Chapter 1

That was just our fucking luck.

My friends and I had spent months trying to figure out how to leave Hell and get back to Earth, and now we were surrounded by a small team of Divine special forces.

“I’m only going to ask so many times, Mr. Ralston,” the Archangel Metatron sighed. “The Exalted One demands your presence immediately.”

“What for?” I growled. “We’ve done nothing wrong.”

The Archangel raised a blond eyebrow questioningly.

“Nothing wrong?” he snorted. “You, a mortal, broke interdimensional law by traveling down to Hell. That alone is grounds for concern, not even taking into account the other offenses you’ve committed.”

“What other offenses?” I demanded. “You should be thanking us! We took out Azazel. How long has your boss been after that guy?”

The Archangel crossed his arms over his chest and huffed.

“Yes,” he began, “you may have slain the Father of Warfare, and for that we are all very thankful. But there are rumblings you’ve taken his place as a Demon King of Hell?”

“I got this, bro,” Todd the imp promised as he stepped forward and made a motion like he was adjusting a bowtie on his neck. “Look here, Megatron, Jakey here may have taken over as the King of the Fourth Circle, but what other choice did he have? If he didn’t do it, some other demon jabroni was gonna claim the throne. And that would be a demon jabroni who would want to lay waste to everything on Heaven and Earth, no?”

“Metatron,” the Archangel corrected. “My name is Metatron. But you’re right. Surely, whoever would have taken Azazel’s throne would be ten times worse than Jacob. However, you’ve proven you’re not above aligning yourselves with other demons. Rumor has it you’ve formed a pact with Asmodeus? And I see Lilith is trying to sway you over to her side by offering you her cronies for your pleasure.”

“It’s good to see you too, Metatron,” Eligor, the fallen angel and knight of Hell, shot back sarcastically. “Really, it’s been too long.”

“My client here’s just working with what he’s got,” Todd argued. “We were all stuck in Hell. Wouldn’t you try and make some allies so you didn’t end up stuck to a pole with maggots in your eye sockets and a sharp stake rammed up your ass?”

“Perhaps,” the Archangel admitted, “but I have already been given my orders. Now, are you coming with us, or are we going to have to take you by force?”

“This is why Starscream always tries to overthrow you, bro,” the imp grumbled and returned back to our circle.

I didn’t know what this guy was talking about. Sure, traveling to Hell as a mortal was taboo and all, but we’d done so much good down there. We killed a ruthless dictator and made the entire Fourth Circle a somewhat decent place to live. My friends and I had been through literal Hell and back just to find a way back to Earth, and now this pompous ass wanted to bring us in?

Not on my watch.

Of course, these weren’t demon grunts we were looking at. These were Heaven’s special forces, and I didn’t know if the seven of us could handle them all on our own.

Immediately next to me stood Todd, the three-foot-tall imp. He wasn’t the greatest fighter, but what he lacked in combat skill he made up for in trickery.

Then there was Superbia, the succubus who acted as the madame for the Circle of Sin. Her magical abilities were mostly subduing spells, with black Hellfire that could negate weaker spellcaster’s magic and suffocate those with little to no power.

The submissive half of Ira, the Sister of Wrath, was also present. She was quite deadly with her enchanted whip made out of her own arm bone, but she also had a tendency to let her enemies gain the upper hand in battle. Pain and pleasure went hand-in-hand for Ira’s sub, and the more damage she could take, the more intense her orgasm.

Libidine, the succubus who started this whole adventure, stood to my right with her hands aglow in yellow flame.

Last, and certainly not least, was Eligor. The blonde knight was by far the best warrior on our team, with her elemental magic and her two deadly swords.

The Shade of Angelo Martatelli had traveled with us to Earth, as well, but he was now little more than a ghost. In his current spectral state he looked like a floating blue hologram, and there was no way he would be of any use to us in battle.

The odds were stacked against us in every conceivable way. What else was new?

“Alright, guys,” I whispered as quietly as I possibly could, “non-lethal takedowns, alright?”

“Non-lethal?” Eligor hissed. “Are you crazy?”

“These people aren’t our enemies,” I reminded her. “They’re just misinformed.”

“Coulda fooled me,” the blonde knight grumbled. “But fine. Non-lethal it is.”

Metatron snapped his fingers, and a spark of Divine Light danced from his lanky digits. The bits of glowing white began to swirl in the air behind him before they mixed together to form a large portal.

“Now,” the blond man asked once more, “shall we be on our way?”

“Sure,” I lied and nodded to my friends. “We wouldn’t want to keep the Exalted One waiting.”

I took a few steps forward, and then I quickly summoned red Hellfire into my hands. In one quick motion, I hauled back, threw my hand forward, and unleashed a basketball-sized fireball at the Archangel.

Metatron was quick to react, but not quick enough. His eyes went wide as the fireball struck him in the chest, and then the angel tumbled backward through the portal. His body disappeared in the glowing white light before the gateway snapped shut behind him.

The soldiers on the SWAT team were already raising their weapons, so I didn’t have a moment to spare. I called forth purple Hellfire and tossed up a large wall around our position. The enchanted bullets ricocheted off the violet barrier like hail on a windshield, but I knew we were going to have to strike quickly and efficiently.

“Alright guys,” I ordered. “We only have a minute or two before Metatron recoups. As soon as I release this shield, we have to take out as many of these soldiers as we can.”

I counted down on my fingers from three, and then I decast my spell. The second the wall was gone, my friends and I made our move.

The air was filled with the sound of swishing bullets and empty casings hitting the ground as I ran toward the men on my left. I dispelled a couple of their shots with a cast of purple Hellfire, and then I was upon them.

The first SWAT member held an assault rifle that looked like an SR-88, and he swung its barrel around to meet me as I approached.

I threw up a small portal of green Hellfire directly in front of the bastard just as he pulled the trigger, and the barrel of his gun reappeared directly behind his right calf. The enchanted bullets tore through his lower leg as if it were made of paper, and bluish-red blood splattered onto the ground in front of him.

Meanwhile, the second SWAT soldier turned his twelve-gauge shotgun at my face and squeezed the trigger.

I threw up a barrier of purple right in front of the gun, and the force of the slugs against the shield caused the barrel of the gun to split open like a watermelon.

The soldier in white grunted with frustration as the shotgun flew from his hands, and he reached for his combat knife.

Unfortunately for him, I was faster.

I threw my left hand down to prevent him from drawing his blade, and then I slugged him across the face with my other. While he was stunned, I spun around and snatched the rifle out of his wounded partner’s hands. Before the first SWAT team member could react, I smashed his face with the butt of his own rifle.

Blood sprayed from his broken nose as he collapsed onto the ground in a heap.

I turned back around to finish off the other SWAT guy, but he grabbed the barrel of the rifle. The soldier pushed the gun to the side as he lashed out with his fist and found the hard steel of my breastplate. There was a loud, metallic thunk as the metal was dented in, but the blow seemed to do more damage to my opponent than it had to me. As the bastard stumbled backward and clutched his newly-sprained wrist, I flipped the rifle around and swung it like a baseball bat at the man’s head.

The butt of the rifle connected with the side of his skull, and there was a loud crack as his entire body spun around and then collapsed into the dirt.

I turned back to check on my friends and saw they were holding up surprisingly well.

Eligor had one of the SWAT members wrapped up with a tangle of vines while she dueled the other two with her swords. The soldiers lashed out at the knight with their oversized bowie knives, but all of their attacks were parried by Eligor’s blades. Finally, the fallen angel was able to flip the knives out of their hands. However, instead of beheading them like she normally would, the knight threw her blades against their glutes and sliced them open like a hunk of raw meat.

Blood ran down the pristine white garments of the soldiers as they fell to their knees in agony, and then Eligor used her elemental magic to pick up a nearby rock and smash it into their heads.

The soldiers crumpled to the ground as I ran over to the knight’s position.

“I was wrong,” the blonde woman admitted with a grin. “Non-lethal can be fun after all.”

“Yeah,” the disembodied voice of Todd exclaimed from a couple dozen feet away, “breaking arms, cracking skulls, and crushing windpipes are all still allowed. Sure, they might be left in the hospital for weeks or maybe even crippled for life, but at least they don’t die! I call it ‘the Batman method.’”

One of the SWAT members was desperately trying to pinpoint the imp’s location, but he was mostly shooting his pistol into thin air. Every now and again, a small fireball would smack him in the back of his head, and he would get even more pissed off. When the soldier finally noticed Eligor and I approaching, he abandoned all hope of catching the imp and turned his attention to us. Then the bastard pointed his pistol at me and squeezed off a few rounds.

I simply dispelled the projectiles with a wave of my hand, and then Eligor used her lime-green Hellfire to launch a medium-sized rock at his head.

The soldier knocked away the projectile with his weapon before he rapidly reloaded it and took aim once more.

However, Todd was already on it. An unseen force seemed to grab the man around his ankles and yank them out from underneath his body. The soldier’s arms flailed wildly as he went down, and then his head smashed onto the rocky ground with a hard crack. The man in the white SWAT uniform went limp as his body began to twitch.

“Oh yeah,” Todd’s voice observed. “He’s totally gonna survive that.”

There were still eight enemies left, and they all seemed to be engaged with the rest of my team.

Superbia and Liby both dodged a hailstorm of bullets as they fought against three more of the Divine SWAT members. Superbia held one of her attackers with her black Hellfire, while Libidine delivered a swift punch to another one’s face.

Meanwhile, the last remaining attacker was trying his damnedest to hit the agile succubi with his machine gun.

“Should we help them?” Eligor asked.

“It looks like they’re doing fine to me,” I noted. “Now, Martatelli, on the other hand … ”

I pointed over to the floating spectre of the Renaissance scientist.

His astral form hovered in the sky above two more of the SWAT team members as it glowed intensely with a sickly blue plasma. Martatelli was joyfully shouting in Italian as the bullets passed through him harmlessly, and he gave his attackers obscene gesture after obscene gesture.

“He looks like he’s having the time of his life, bro,” Todd observed. “Let him have his fun.”

“He might be having a blast,” Eligor argued, “but he’s not doing any damage. Sooner or later, they’re going to realize they can’t hurt him and turn back on us.”

“Then we need to bring them down while they’re distracted,” I observed as I turned to the imp. “Hey Todd, you remember that fighting move you’ve been begging me to try, but I always shoot it down?”

“Human bowling?” Todd gasped.

“That’s the one,” I confirmed. “You still up for it?”

“I was born ready, bro,” the imp retorted, completely giddy.

Todd did a few quick jumping jacks, stretched out his calves, and then cracked his knuckles. He gave me a nod, and we began our combo.

I threw up a portal of green Hellfire just above my head and then quickly created a second set just below the feet of the SWAT officers. Then, I raised my hands, grabbed around their ankles, and yanked down so the entire lower half of their bodies were now in front of me.

At the same time, Todd took off into a sprint. He summoned black Hellfire around his body, leapt up into the air, and curled himself into a ball. The spherical imp-missile rocketed forward, smashed the first SWAT officer in the face and then bounced up into the air. Without another moment’s hesitation, Todd redirected his trajectory and came down hard on the second soldier’s head.

I released my grip on the soldiers’ ankles, and their unconscious bodies crumpled to the Earth in front of me.

Todd’s glowing black figure landed beside us as he rubbed his head tenderly.

“Sonic makes it look way easier than it really is,” he grumbled.

I looked over to check in on Ira’s sub, and my mouth fell agape.

The succubus was laying on the ground, and she was letting the remaining two SWAT members club her with their rifles.

“Is that all you got?” she moaned. “You guys hit like children compared to my Dom!”’

Suddenly, there was a flash of pink, and the two guards grabbed their own faces and wailed in agony. Ira’s mirror magic was one of her most useful powers, as it absorbed whatever energy her opponents struck her with and then replicated it back onto their bodies. The sub wasted no time in dispelling the remaining soldiers as she hopped up to her feet, spun around with her whip in her hand, and lashed one of them in the forehead.

The man’s head cracked back as if it had been hit by a freight train, and he fell down onto his ass.

Ira twirled around, her enchanted whip following her like a glowing red ribbon, and threw the tail of the weapon around the second soldier’s leg. She gave the man a wink before she jerked the hilt upward and laid him out flat on his back.

Suddenly, the final SWAT member’s unconscious body tumbled across the ground to our left.

Sia and Libidine walked over to his position, high fived, and then put their hands on their hips in celebration.

“I think that was the last one,” Liby exclaimed proudly as she wiped her hands together. “You know, for being Divine soldiers, I would have figured they’d put up more of a fight.”

“I’m a little insulted,” Eligor added. “These aren’t even their best men, they’re just a simple strike force.”

“You’ve gotta remember,” I reminded the knight, “they weren’t trying to kill us, they were trying to catch us.”

“Speak for yourself, bro,” Todd scoffed. “It’s you they want. The rest of us are just disposable demon scum to them.”

“Even so,” I shot back, “that seemed way too easy. Almost like--”

“Jacob Ralston!” Metatron’s voice boomed from somewhere off in the forest. “You dare defy a direct command from the Exalted One?”

“Ah, shit,” I sighed as my friends returned to my side. “We only wanna go home, Metatron. We mean you no harm.”

The beat of the Archangel’s wings caused the trees around us to sway as if they were in a miniature wind tunnel. Then Metatron’s glowing white figure swooped down before us. The blond man wore a scowl on his face as he delicately landed on the ground and took a defensive stance.

“Your intentions matter not,” he growled. “You’re coming with me back to Heaven, even if I have to take you there on life support!”

The Archangel reached down, grabbed the opening of his robe with one hand, and then tossed it onto the ground behind him. The warrior’s white satin garment fell from his body to reveal a suit of armor underneath. The metal covering was nearly as white as ivory, and it was surrounded by a shimmer of Divine light. The detailing on the armor was extremely intricate, with a large “PX” symbol at the center of his breastplate and the image of a dove on each shoulder.

From his belt hung a broadsword nearly twice the size of a human arm and almost four times as wide. Its hilt was shaped to form an ivory cross, with light purple amethyst gems encrusted into each of the three endpoints.

Metatron drew his sword and held it at the ready.

Just then, Martatelli swooped down and began to taunt the Archangel. The spectre of the Renaissance scientist blew raspberries at Metatron as he waved his arms at the warrior and yelled at him in incomprehensible Italian.

The Archangel growled at the spectre, and then he swung his sword directly into Angelo’s face. There was a flash of light as the blade actually seemed to connect with the ghost’s head, and then Martatelli’s entire head was sent flying off his spectral body.

The scientist’s hands wildly grasped at the stump where his noggin used to be, and then he flew off into the forest in search of his cranium.

I felt bad for Martatelli, but I knew I could use this distraction to my advantage. I dashed forward, unsheathed the Unhallowed Sword from my belt, and prepared to attack.

Unfortunately for me, that was exactly what Metatron expected. The Archangel quickly threw up his free hand and unleashed a powerful blast of Divine Light in my direction.

I halted in my tracks, summoned a massive barrier of purple Hellfire, and dug in my heels as the force of the Archangel’s attack threatened to toss me across the landscape. The blast was intensely blinding, and I had to close my eyes to keep my retinas from searing out of my skull. The next thing I knew, the blunt end of Metatron’s blade struck me in the back and threw me face-first into the dirt. The taste of mossy Earth filled my mouth as I struggled to stand, but the Archangel’s foot was holding me down.

Oh well. If I couldn’t move Metatron’s foot, I’d just have to move the ground.

I summoned green Hellfire into my hand and then cast it onto the earth below me. Instantly, my body passed through the interdimensional portal, and I found myself briefly floating through space and time. I made myself reappear directly behind the Archangel, and I swung my pitch-black blade into the back of his armor.

There was a loud screech as enchanted metal struck enchanted metal, and Metatron stumbled forward.

He recovered nearly instantly, though, and spun around to retaliate.

I blocked his attack with the Unhallowed Sword, and the two of us locked eyes as our black-and-white blades struggled against each other.

“Why are you being so stubborn?” Metatron demanded. “The Exalted One just wants to ask you a few questions.”

“Why are you being such a dick?” I spat back. “We’re innocent.”

Metatron gave me a shove, and I stumbled back as our blades released from their gridlock. The Archangel raised his sword behind his head and prepared to go for a powerful blow.

However, before he could go through with his attack, the glowing red tail of Ira’s whip wrapped around his blade.

The succubus gave her weapon a tug, and Metatron was pulled off-balance.

At the same time, three small balls of red Hellfire struck the Archangel in the chest.

Metatron stumbled backward, tried to retain his balance, and then fell on his ass.

The second he was on the ground, a beam of lime green Hellfire spread across the terrain, and a rocky formation grew up around him and encased the Archangel in a sort of natural prison of stone and dirt.

“Forget about us?” Eligor mused as she and the rest of the team ran over to my position.

“Actually,” Metatron growled as he struggled to break free, “yeah, I kind of did. Too bad you just wasted your only shot at taking me off-guard.”

“What do you--” the blonde knight started, but then her words were cut off by a miniature explosion.

There was a blinding wave of light as Metatron surrounded his entire body with Divine magic. He let out a grunt of anger as the spell increased in power, and then the earthly prison around him exploded into a hailstorm of dirt and debris.

Now, the Archangel was floating in the air, and his armor had been upgraded. His head was covered by a bullet-shaped helmet made up of the same ivory metal as the rest of his armor. A golden cross sat across his face, and small slits lined up with where his eyes should be. On his back he now had a long, flowing cape of pure Divine light.

“Now we done fucked up,” Todd whistled. “He went from Megatron to Galvatron!”

Metatron unleashed another blast of Divine light down on our position, and it was all I could do to throw up a dome of purple Hellfire over my friends and myself.

I fell to my knees as I let out a scream of frustration and tried to hold my barrier in place.

“Jacob won’t be able to hold this much longer!” Sia gasped. “We need to do something!”

“I’ve got an idea,” Todd exclaimed. “Lib, I need you to be an Ewok.”

“A what?” the dark-haired succubus asked.

“Don’t question it!” the imp implored. “Just pick up two trees and follow my lead.”

I could feel myself making a deeper imprint into the ground below as the Divine light beared down on us. Sia was right, I wasn’t going to be able to hold this for much longer.

Suddenly, there was a loud “crunch” sound, and the beam of light ceased.

I looked up to see two large tree trunks, glowing emerald with telekinetic Hellfire.

Both of their ends had been splintered into oblivion, and Metatron was now lying groggily on the ground. It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together. Liby had smashed the Archangel between the massive logs, and the blow was enough to at least knock him down.

I figured we only had a few seconds before Metatron recovered, so we needed to make this count. I released my purple barrier, and the six of us sprung into action as Metatron began to pull himself back to his feet.

“Sia, Ira, and Eligor, subdue him!” I commanded as I charged at the Archangel. “Liby and Todd, follow me!”

Liby, Todd, and I began to charge at Metatron. At the same time, a tree branch encased with lime green Hellfire wrapped around his left arm and held it in place. Superbia’s black Hellfire covered his body, and Ira’s whip wrapped firmly around his right leg.

Metatron struggled against my friends’ spells, but the combined effort was too much for him.

Todd struck him with a few snowball-sized balls of red fire, all while Libidine assaulted his Divine armor with spears of yellow.

The Archangel weakly deflected the attacks with his sword, but then I was upon him.

I heaved the blade of the Unhallowed Sword up against his, made a twisting motion, and disarmed the Archangel in one fell swoop. Then I summoned bronze Hellfire into my hands, spun around, and blasted him point-blank with my spell of judgement.

Metatron’s body vibrated violently from the attack before he was launched into the air like a ragdoll. The Archangel let out a grunt of shock as he flew backward, and then he went silent as his body smashed into the ground and rolled across the landscape like a runaway cannon ball. The armored angel took out nearly a dozen trees as he bounced helplessly against the ground and then finally rolled to a stop about two-hundred feet away. His body laid there, motionless.

“Holy fuck,” I sighed and decast my spell. “I think we just defeated another Archangel.”

“Don’t sound so surprised,” Eligor purred into my ear. “You’re a Demon King now. Keep gaining followers, and soon an Archangel will be little more than a grunt to you.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Eligor,” Sia warned. “Jacob still has quite a ways to go before that happens.”

“I’m confident he will get there, Sister,” Libidine giggled.

“I appreciate the enthusiasm, guys,” I admitted, “but we need to get the fuck out of here before these guys start coming to. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t want to fight them two times in a row.”

“What about Martatelli?” Todd asked with a hint of worry in his voice. “Is he gonna be the headless horseman forever now?”

“Of course not,” Sia explained. “Demons and the Divine can interact with ghosts just as we can with Shades. However, much like down in Hell, you cannot kill something that’s already dead. Angelo will be fine.”

“He’ll have to catch up to us along the way,” I announced as I pointed to a stirring soldier. “We need to split right now.”

I motioned for my friends to follow me, and then we took off into the woods.

The sounds of chirping insects and howling coyotes filled the air as we wandered aimlessly through the forest. Wet, soggy leaves schlurped under our feet as we jogged, and there was a cool, brisk breeze that chilled me to the bone. Finally, after a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to find our way out, I turned to Libidine.

“Liby, can you fly up there and see if there’s any sort of civilization around here?” I asked the Sister of Lust.

“What if somebody sees me?” Liby questioned. “Aren’t we supposed to remain hidden from the human world?”

“Honestly,” I admitted, “at this point, I don’t give a damn.”

Liby nodded, and then she summoned her large, bat-like wings with a flash of purple Hellfire. She took a few hurried steps and then crouched down and pushed herself off into the night sky. The succubus soared up above the trees, turned around in the air, and then whistled.

“There’s a road with a gas station just off in the distance!” she exclaimed.

“You heard the succubus,” I announced with a grin. “Let’s get over there!”

Eligor and Ira’s sub both sprouted their own wings, while Todd covered himself with his black Hellfire.

Ira’s sub backflipped into the air, flew around behind me, and grabbed me just underneath my armpits.

Eligor did the same for Superbia, and then they lifted us up into the sky.

Once we were all airborne, it only took a few minutes to fly over to the gas station. I still didn’t know where we were, exactly, but I could tell we were out in the middle of nowhere.

The gas station looked like it hadn’t been remodeled in thirty years. It still had the old-timey analog numbers on each pump, and the building itself was missing large chunks of siding. One of the windows had been broken out and replaced with a piece of plywood, and the large neon sign read “Cigarettes- $9/pack.”

“I’m really hoping these people will let us use their phone,” I sighed as we approached the door. “If they even have one, that is.”

“Bro,” Todd gasped. “We don’t have to worry about that. Look!”

I followed the imp’s clawed finger and saw he was pointing at a large glass rectangle just off to the side of the main building.

It was a fucking pay phone.

“Is that what I think it is?” I asked rhetorically.

“It is, Jakey,” Todd cackled. “I feel like we just stumbled on the remnants of an ancient civilization.”

I wandered over to the phone booth, popped open the door, and stepped inside. As I fumbled through my pockets to see if I happened to have any change, I realized my efforts were pointless. I could manipulate metal with my silver Hellfire, after all.

I called forth the silver flames into my hand and aimed down at the metal floor of the booth. Instantly, the area around my feet began to liquify as it glowed with the gray shimmer, and then I carefully ripped up four quarter-sized pieces from the floor. I forced them to harden in my hand, and then I placed them one-by-one into the coin slot of the phone.

Finally, I picked up the headset, held it to my ear, and punched in the numbers I wanted to dial. The phone made a dialing sound as it tried to connect, and then I heard a ring on the other side.

“Hello?” a familiar, feminine voice answered.

“Hey Jane.” I couldn’t help but grin ear-to-ear as I talked to my most beloved cultist. “It’s Jacob.”

“J-Jacob?” Jane gasped. “Is it really you?”

“It sure is, dear,” I answered coyly. “We’re on our way home.”

Chapter 2

Turns out, Todd was wrong.

Despite the distinct smell in the air, we had reappeared out of the Porta ad Terram in southwest Colorado, not New Jersey. Still, Jane informed me that it would be nearly a seven hour drive between our mansion and our current location, so the seven of us had to lay low in the gas station until the cavalry arrived. Well, as low as we could lay, given Eligor’s outfit, but thankfully night shift clerks have seen all manner of shit, and the guy behind the counter barely batted an eye when he saw us.

At first, we all hung out awkwardly in the aisles of the convenience store, but then the clerk finally figured out what we were doing and offered for us to lounge in the break room.

After we’d been back there for a few hours, the clerk finally popped his head in.

“How’s it goin’ back here, friendos?” the balding, middle-aged man asked. “Still waitin’ for your buddies to come pick you up?”

“Unfortunately,” I confirmed. “They live really far away, and they ran into some traffic issues.”

“At four-thirty in the morning?” the clerk asked with raised eyebrows.

“There was an accident, bro,” Todd, now disguised in his human form, explained. “Apparently a fucking roadrunner came outta nowhere.”

“A roadrunner caused a back-up?” the balding man still sounded unconvinced.

“It wasn’t the roadrunner,” Todd said as he shook his head. “It was the damn coyote chasing it. The car hit the poor bastard, and the big-ass rocket strapped to his back--”

“What he’s saying is our friends hit a coyote in the middle of the desert, and its bones caused a tire to blow out,” I interjected. “But they got it fixed, and they should be here any minute.”

“Okay … ” the clerk sighed. “I was just letting you all know I’m about to head out for the night. My manager’s coming in for the morning shift, and I didn’t know if he’d be okay with y’all being back here.”

“We’ll be out of your hair shortly,” Libidine reassured the clerk. “We appreciate your hospitality.”

“If you say so.” The man shrugged, and then he walked away while he whistled a cheery tune.

“I still don’t understand why we can’t just fly to your home,” Eligor grunted. “I can’t stand all this sitting around and doing nothing.”

“Because if we fly,” I explained, “it’ll make it way easier for Metatron to track us down. Unlike the place you’re from, we don’t have a lot of flying humanoids around here. Our ride should be here shortly, and then we can blend in with the morning commute.”

Eligor’s face contorted into a look of disgust.

“Morning commute?” she gasped. “What is this place?”

“Welcome to Earth Realm,” Todd snickered. “Where you work eight hours a day so our corporate overlords can give us money that we then turn around and spend on things created by our corporate overlords.”

“That sounds dreadful,” the knight admitted. “This is … normal on Earth?”

“Only for squares, Goldilocks,” Todd said as he leaned back in his chair. “AKA not the Toddster.”

“Yeah,” I joked to the imp, “since your transformation, you’ve always been a little more circle-shaped.”

Todd sat forward in his chair as he eyes narrowed, and then he flicked a small wrapper of gum in my direction.

“Very funny, bro,” he chuckled. “Regular ‘ol Rodney Dangerfield over here.”

“Thankfully, Jacob is not your average mortal,” Sia explained to Eligor.

“Oh yes,” Liby added. “I can promise you’ll never have a dull moment when you’re around him! Cupi and I have been in Jacob’s world for almost three years now, and we don’t regret it one bit. In fact, I’d say it was the best decision we ever made.”

“I’m quite aware of how … fun Jacob can be,” the knight purred, and her eyes looked me up and down as she spoke. “I hope he’s just as aggressive here on Earth Realm as he is as King of the Fourth Circle.”

“Believe it or not,” Ira’s sub spoke up, “he might even be better.”

Todd stood up from his chair, threw his arms above his head, and headed for the main area of the convenience store.

“I’m gonna go into the other room before everyone finds out what I had for lunch yesterday,” he sighed as he walked through the door. “Trust me, vargrat curry isn’t gonna look that great coming back up.”

“Was it something I said?” Eligor looked perplexed as she watched the imp walk away.

“Todd’s weird about all that sex stuff,” I explained. “He claims it makes him ill to hear us talk about it.”

“He’s probably just longing for that woman we met out in Kansas,” Liby added. “Remember? The one at the diner?”

Ira’s sub sat forward in her chair.

“Todd has a girlfriend?” she gasped. “Tell me more!”

“He admired her from afar,” I chuckled. “He was invisible the whole time.”

All of the women in the room let out a collective “awwww” as they listened to the imp’s plight.

“Maybe we should have the bus go out there first?” Liby suggested.

“That would add, like, hours to our drive,” I reminded the succubus. “Besides, that was years ago. I’m sure that waitress has probably moved on to greener pastures by now.”

“He’ll never know until he goes back out there,” the Sister of Lust said with a shrug.

“Maybe after all this shit with the Exalted One dies down,” I conceded. “But for now, we need to lay low until we can regroup and figure out the next step of our plan.”

“Speaking of ‘the plan,’” Sia interjected “what exactly is your plan, Jacob? I know we’re checking in on your cultists, but then what? Are we immediately returning to Hell? Do you plan on bringing your forces with you?”

I rubbed my temples in frustration and sighed.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I was thinking something along those lines. But that was before the forces of the Divine came along and threw a wrench in all those plans.”

Suddenly, there was a shrill whistle from the other room.

“Yo, Super Friends!” Todd called out. “Our chariot has arrived!”

The succubi, Eligor, and I got up and began to walk out to the exit.

“Wait … ” Sia pondered aloud. “Where’s Martatelli?”

“Oh, yeah,” Todd mused, and then he turned and cupped his hands over his mouth. “Casper, you can come out now. The coast is clear!”

The second the words left Todd’s mouth, the spectral form of Angelo Martatelli burst forth from behind the refrigerated beverages. The scientist appeared to be shivering as he grumbled to himself in Italian, but he floated over toward our position and followed us outside.

“Won’t the cameras see him?” Liby asked curiously.

“Probably.” I shrugged. “I guess the Paranormal Channel is gonna get some new material.”

The sun was just beginning to peek out from behind the horizon when we stepped out and were greeted by the early morning. Birdsongs rang out in harmony across the landscape, and the dewy air felt cool on my face.

Off to the left of the convenience store, underneath one of the large metal awnings, sat a giant white and black bus. The entire upper half of the vehicle was covered with modern, sprawling windows that were covered on the inside with red curtains. The lower half featured a couple of large compartments where luggage or other travel necessities could be stored, and it had one of those strange purple-and-blue, nineties swirl patterns on the side.

The door of the bus opened, and a man in a dark navy robe poked his head out and then waved.

Yup, that was definitely our ride.

“Just as beautiful as I remember,” Todd whistled.

The imp in disguise marched over to the door and hoisted himself in, and then we followed him in a hurry.

We may have bought this bus for our cultists forever ago, but this was the first time I’d actually been on it.

The seats were made up of some sort of blue velvety material, and they were lined up two-by-two on either side of a carpeted aisle that ran the entire length of the bus. There were small, gray storage areas above each seat and TVs every ten feet or so. A strip of dull white light ran down the ceiling and illuminated the interior in a warm glow, and there were a few multi-colored light installations just under the storage compartments.

I wasted no time in sauntering over and plopping down in a nearby seat. Maybe it was because I was tired as fuck, but the cushion made me feel like I was lying on a cloud of air. I kicked back the seat as far as it would go, leaned back, and let out a deep sigh.

Sia, Liby, Eligor, Todd, and Ira’s sub all found their own seats, and they relaxed as the driver twisted the key and the engine roared to life.

The ghost of Martatelli appeared through the side of the vehicle as if it weren’t even there. He looked around, admiring the modern decor, and then he gracefully floated over to one of the TVs. The spirit reached up, flicked the power button, and then gasped when the screen sprang to life.

“Oh yeah,” I observed in a whisper. “I guess this is the first time Angelo’s ever seen a television before. I hope it’s not too much for him.”

“And I hope he likes Howard the Duck,” Todd snorted back. “That’s the only movie which we could afford the rights to play on this caravan.”

“Great,” I couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought. “I guess that’s one way to get him acquainted with modern culture.”

The driver kicked the bus into gear, and I felt the vehicle slowly begin to lurch forward. I closed my eyes as I took in the sounds of the highway passing by outside, and then the next thing I knew I was asleep.

“Well, well, well,” I was finally awakened by a familiar, seductive voice. “Look what the cat dragged in.”

As my eyes fluttered open, I could just make out the figure of a woman wearing a dark robe. Her curves were unbelievable, and her dark brunette hair fell down over her shoulders like a cascade of cocoa. The woman’s eyes were a bright blue, almost to the point where they were teal.

I’d recognize those eyes anywhere.

“Hey Jane,” I greeted the cultist as I rubbed my eyes groggily. “Long time no see.”

Instead of responding, the cultist threw her arms around my body and pulled me into a long, warm embrace. She held me like she never wanted to let me go, and I could feel her entire figure trembling as she tightened her grip.

“We thought you were gone forever,” she said through a sniffle. “When we didn’t hear from you for all those months, Oliver and I assumed … ”

“I’m far from dead, Jane,” I promised the brunette as I ran a hand through her silky brown locks. “In fact, I’ve never felt better in my life.”

The brown-haired woman pulled back and looked me deep in the eyes. Her bottom lip quivered as her eyes lit up with joy.

“We’re just glad to have you home,” she noted.

“I’m glad to be home,” I chuckled. “But soon, you’ll be coming with me to our new home. A place where we can do whatever the fuck we want and eventually live in peace.”

“Eventually?” Jane asked. “I don’t like the sound of that.”

I let go of the cultist, stood up, and headed toward the exit of the bus.

“We have lots to talk about,” I explained. “I’ll tell you everything once we’re in the safety of air conditioning.”

I stepped out into a dusty landscape and was instantly engulfed in the heat of the mid-afternoon sun. The UV rays beat down on my skin, and I swore I could feel my skin turning red and burning in its presence. The fact that I was still clad in my armor didn’t do me any favors, either. I wiped the sweat from my brow as I took in the view of our mansion.

It’d only been a few months since we’d left on our adventure to Hell, but it felt like it’d been an eternity. The white stucco walls of the Spanish Villa-style mansion appeared to be as pristine as ever as their color was amplified by the afternoon light, and the brownish-red tile on the roof looked as if it were brand new.

Jane strutted past me, and I couldn’t help but watch the sashay of her hips as she walked. Her curvy ass was almost hypnotic as it swayed from side to side seductively, and it had caught me deeply in its trance.

I was finally snapped out of it when the cultist cleared her throat.

“We’ll have plenty of time for that later,” Jane chuckled as she opened the door. “Trust me, I’ve been thinking about it for ages.”

A sly grin spread up my face at the thought, and then I followed the brunette inside.

The interior of our mansion was just as I remembered it. Inside the front door was a small room with a large, dual set of marble staircases that led up to the second floor. Each one had black metal railings that had been carved into intricate designs and turned into a bannister for the second floor. At the bottom of each staircase was a door that led to a different part of the mansion, and right between them was a small wooden table that acted as a “catch-all” for the house.

Jane walked through the door on the left, the one that led to the living area of the house, and I followed in a hurry. On the other side of the threshold was a large room divided directly in half. On the right side was a beautiful red couch and a few “modern” style fabric chairs. The seating arrangements sat in front of a small gas fireplace on the wall, and there was a large flatscreen TV mounted on the wall above it.

Todd, now back in his imp form, was standing up on one of the couch cushions, gesturing wildly as he told a story to a man in a dark navy robe.

The man’s face was full of wrinkles, and his hair was white and unkempt, almost like a bird’s nest. He had an expression of awe and wonder on his face as he sat and listened to Todd’s words, but his eyes seemed to be zoning out.

That would be Oliver, the co-leader of my cult.

Superbia and Ira’s sub sat in chairs with their legs crossed delicately over themselves, but they were both rolling their eyes at what I assumed was an over-exaggerated story.

Libidine and Eligor were both in the left half of the room, sitting at the dark marble breakfast bar. The succubus had a half-eaten apple in her hand, while the knight was twirling around a small butter knife on the counter.

Finally, there was Angelo. I could see the spectre of the Italian scientist through the sliding glass door, and he looked like he was having a blast. The Shade was staring up at the sky with his arms outstretched to both sides, and he appeared to be cackling loudly as he soaked in the sun.

“He’s been Shawshank-ing for like, ten minutes straight, bro,” Todd explained when he saw I’d entered the room. “He’s totally eating up the sun.”

“Thank goodness he’s a ghost,” I joked. “If that were me or you, we’d be getting burnt to a crisp.”

“Or we’d die of heat stroke,” the imp added. “‘Dry heat’ my ass.”

“Hey, it was your idea to come out here for school,” I reminded my friend. “We could have stayed in Kansas City and went to one of the universities there, but you wanted to come out here and ‘explore the west.’”

“And by that, I meant the babes,” Todd noted. “The reservoir in KC had all but dried up for the Toddster by that time, bro. The chicks just couldn’t handle the awesomeness that was the five-four, goatee-d sex machine I was. Now that I got this sweet imp bod and massive schlong? I’m set for life, Jakey!”

Oliver’s eyes went wide as a large smile spread across his face. The white-haired man leapt to his feet as nimbly as he could, and then he scuttled across the room and began to shake my hand profusely.

“Jacob!” he exclaimed as he nearly ripped my arm from its socket. “It’s so great to see you again! We feared you’d been killed by Azazel. Or even worse, trapped in the Lake of Fire for all eternity!”

“Not quite,” I retorted slyly. “In fact, that ‘Lake of Fire’ is going to be your new base of operations.”

The cultist quirked his head to the side curiously and released my hand.

“What do you mean?” he asked. “Did we do something wrong?”

“Quite the contrary,” Superbia giggled slyly. “It is a great reward.”

“Nobody’s told them?” I gasped.

I would have assumed between Todd’s blabbermouth, Sia’s “down-to-business” attitude, and Liby’s chattiness, somebody would have spilled the beans already.

“I figured it was not my place to tell,” Superbia said with a shrug.

“I was getting to that part,” Todd admitted. “I was just telling Oliver here about that sonofabitch, Vermis. Ya know, how I invoked the power of Grayskull and then picked him up by his tail, swung him around like a yo-yo, and then threw him off into the Lake of Fire?”

“That’s exactly how it went down,” I snorted.

“That’s fine and dandy, but what are they talking about?” Jane demanded somewhat sassily.

I took a step away from the brunette so I was now standing in the center of the room, and then I cleared my throat dramatically.

“Well … ” I began. “I guess now’s as good of a t--”

“Hold up, Jakey,” Todd interrupted. “Let me give you some hype music.”

The imp balanced himself on the thin back of the couch, started to pound his chest repeatedly, and then began to beatbox.

“I, uh … ” I tried not to be distracted by the imp’s sounds. “I guess now’s as good of a time as any to tell you that … I’m the new King of the Fourth Circle. We killed Azazel and took over his domain.”

Todd did one last “ricki-ricki,” and then he put his hands over his mouth and did a soft cheering sound.

“You--you’re the King of the Fourth Circle?” Oliver gasped.

“In the flesh,” I joked awkwardly.

Without another word, both Jane and Oliver fell down onto their knees and bowed.

“We are humbled to simply be in your presence, my King,” Oliver proclaimed.

“Please don’t do that,” I sighed. “Come on now, you know it made me uncomfortable when I was just a cult leader. It’s ten times worse now that I’ve been promoted.”

“You weren’t promoted,” Jane shot back as she stood up. “You took the throne from that bastard fair and square. And now you’ve returned to us so you can bring your loyal subjects back to your domain?”

I gave the brunette a short nod, and she grinned from ear-to-ear.

“That’s the idea,” I explained. “At least, some of you are coming back. I’m still going to need people here on Earth Realm to make sure everything’s good on this end.”

“I’m glad you brought that up,” Oliver explained as he raised his eyes to meet mine. “We’ve actually been--”

“Wait, waaaaaiiiitttt,” Todd interjected.

The imp hopped down off the couch, ran over to Oliver’s feet, and then leaned over and inspected his footwear.

“Todd,” the white-haired man scoffed, “I don’t see what’s so import--”

“Are you wearing New Balance sneakers?” the imp guffawed.

“Of course I am!” Oliver shot back. “You always gave me lip about my crocs and socks, so I figured I’d try to be a bit more ‘hip.’ They’re even gray. Perfectly neutral to go with the dark robes and my khaki cargo shorts. See? I even made sure to wear ankle socks.”

Todd stared at the cultist as if his brain was trying to compute the words. Then, he let out a giggle, grabbed his sides, and fell over onto the ground.

“I really fucking missed you, Ollie,” the imp cackled in between fits of laughter.

“Anyways,” Jane sighed. “What Oliver was trying to tell you is that we’ve had some issues up here since you’ve been gone.”

“What kind of issues?” I questioned.

“The Cult of Beelzebub,” the brunette retorted grimly, “and Daeva. The two parties have apparently joined forces, because they’ve both been wreaking havoc all over the Southwest in the last few months.”

“That’s probably because we haven’t been playing nice with their leader,” Eligor interjected. “Beelzebub and Baphomet are both currently planning to invade the Fourth Circle.”

“Probably Gressil, too,” Superbia added. “I doubt he’s too happy that we broke into his territory, released a bunch of his Shades, and killed his henchmen.”

“Ah, so we probably have three Demon Kings to worry about,” I sighed. “No biggie.”

“Do you have any allies of your own?” Oliver asked as he stood up and began to bounce up and down like an excited puppy. “Belphagor, perhaps? Or were you crazy enough to convince Abbadon to join you? I knew you could do it, my Ki--er, Jacob!”

“Actually,” I admitted, “right now we’re just in an alliance with Asmodeus, and we’ve got Mephisto and Gamigan on our side as generals.”

Oliver continued to smile at me like a fool as he took in my words, but then his expression slowly faded into a frown.

“Oh,” he muttered, obviously trying to hide his disappointment. “I-I suppose Asmodeus does have much sway over the other Demon Kings.”

“Lilith is on Jacob’s side, as well,” Eligor announced, and then she stabbed the knife into the table and stood up. “She is the most powerful ally a Demon King could have, save for Lucifer himself. Fear not, Oliver. Once we sway the other Demon Lords to our side, nobody will be able to stop us.”

“I like this one,” Oliver whistled. “Whose succubus is she?”

Suddenly, the knife that had been jutting out of the table flew past the old man’s head point-first. It made a loud swishing sound as it just missed his earlobe and stabbed into the stuccoed wall behind him.

The cultist’s jaw dropped as his eyes went wide, and he felt his ear to make sure it was still there.

“I’m no succubus,” Eligor hissed at the white-haired man. “I’m a Knight of Hell, loyal servant to Lilith and Jacob Ralston. Try to remember that.”

“I like her even more,” Jane whispered into my ear.

“What is the status on everything else?” Superbia asked curiously. “Where are we on the list of demons in disguise?”

Oliver recomposed himself, brushed off his robe, and then turned to the redhead.

“That old thing?” he said with a smile. “We’ve been done with that list for nearly two months now.”

“You’ve killed every single demon who was hiding here on Earth?” I gasped.

“Welp,” Ira’s sub chuckled, “that’s gonna give me a lot less competition in the political sphere.”

“Not every single demon who’s been hiding on Earth,” the cult leader corrected, “just all the ones whose names appeared in that old Vatican book.”

“Holy shit!” I exclaimed with a broad grin. “Excellent job, guys!”

“We try,” Jane flirted back with a wink.

“What about our Earthly endeavors?” Sia continued. “Surely those have been taken care of by somebody, no?”

“Of course,” Oliver continued. “The Velvet Lips Gentlemen’s club, for example, is currently being run by brother Robert. Profit has been steadily increasing, too! Do you know how much money we brought in last month? One-hundred thousand dollars!”

The color drained from Superbia’s face as she sat forward in her chair, and her violet eyes narrowed.

“One-hundred thousand?” she growled. “We normally bring in five-hundred thousand on a bad month!”

“Oh,” Oliver sighed. “Well, it’s a good thing you’re temporarily back, then! Maybe you can show Robert how it’s done.”

“What about me?” Ira’s sub perked up. “Has anyone come looking for ‘Maggie Franklin?’”

“Actually, no,” the cult leader admitted. “Not a single word has been said about your absence from Congress.”

“Not a word after six months of no-shows?” Todd scoffed. “Fucking typical. That’s probably still a better record than most of the other slugs up on Capitol Hill. Did I ever tell you how Congress is built over a literal portal to the center of the Earth?”

“No, Todd,” I sighed. “Maybe another time.”

“We have received lots of concerned calls about Gula,” Jane stepped in. “Chef Ramsey … Rachael Ray … Paula Deen … they’re all looking for her and her wonderful cooking.”

“Well, she’s currently doing the rations for our army,” I laughed. “They’re probably gonna have to wait a while longer on that one.”

“Oh my god … ” Todd gasped and slapped his hands against his cheeks. “What about Slothy and I’s dispensary? The one just across the border?”

Oliver and Jane looked at each other with confusion in their eyes.

“You had a dispensary?” the brunette asked curiously. “We had no idea.”

“Nooooooooooo!” Todd shrieked and began to run for the sliding glass door. “My babies are probably all wilted. I bet they’re drier than Hugh Hefner’s ballsack by now!”

The imp threw open the sliding glass door, surrounded himself with black Hellfire, and turned invisible. Then he ran to the center of the backyard and propelled himself off into the air.

Angelo’s ghost had now settled in by the pool, and he simply watched the imp curiously as he disappeared into the clouds.

Libidine walked over, slid the door shut, and then sighed.

“Poor guy,” the Sister of Lust mused. “He hasn’t had a hit in forever. It must be driving him crazy.”

“He’ll be fine,” I reassured her. “A sober Todd is a much less mischievous Todd. I think we could all do without his prank calls for a little--”

I went silent as the words left my mouth. Raphael. The last time we’d seen the Archangel, we’d lied to him about trying to enter the Porta ad Inferos.

“What’s wrong, Jacob?” Liby asked with a concerned tone.

“It’s just … do you think Raphael sold us out?” I pondered aloud. “He warned us not to go to Hell, and now that we’re back we suddenly have the Exalted One looking for us?”

“I don’t know,” Oliver admitted. “We haven’t heard from Raphael since you guys all left for the Porta ad Inferos. When we thought you were lost forever, we sent a small group of cultists out there to retrieve you, but there was no sign of anyone around.”

“We did bring back Shadow, though,” Jane added. “So, I guess there is a small silver lining to this whole thing.”

“You guys are allied with Raphael?” Eligor said with a gag. “He’s so pompous.”

“He’s not that bad once you get to know him,” I retorted. “If it weren’t for Raphael, I don’t know if any of us would be here right now.”

“Exactly,” Libidine interjected. “Raph is our friend. There’s no way he would sell us out.”

“Then why has he gone AWOL?” I sighed. “I would have thought he’d come looking for us, too.”

“It’s quite peculiar,” Oliver admitted. “Perhaps he went off looking for you on his own? Or maybe he was killed by the same people who attacked you?”

“Why would Raph’s own people attack him?” I shot back.

“Uriel did,” Superbia reminded me. “It’s not as uncommon for an angel to fall as Raphael would like you to think.”

“Case in point.” Eligor nodded and motioned to herself.

I sat down on one of the chairs and rubbed my temples vigorously. This whole situation was giving me a splitting headache, and I just wanted to relax for a moment.

“Welcome home,” I grumbled.

Suddenly, I felt the warm, soft hand of Jane reach out and touch my shoulder.

“You look tired, Jacob,” she observed. “What you need is a nice hot bath.”

I glanced up to see that the brunette woman was bent over, and her cleavage was on full display. My pants tightened at the sight as my heart raced in my chest.

“That sounds incredible,” I admitted.

Jane leaned in close to my ear. “Let’s go, then,” she purred. “Perhaps we just need some time to catch up one-on-one.”

I gulped as the curvy cultists stood back up, adjusted her robe, and walked toward the main entryway.

“I-uh,” I stuttered as I tried to explain. “I think I’m going to go relax for awhile.”

“Don’t relax too hard,” Libidine shot back with a wink.

I sprang out of my chair and ran over behind Jane as she began her ascent up the stairs.

Maybe a warm bath was all I needed, after all.

Chapter 3

Jane and I remained silent as we sauntered up the stairs and onto the landing of the second floor. The cultist glanced seductively behind herself a few times, just to make sure I was still following.

As if I were going to miss out on this. I hadn’t had any time to “catch up” with Jane in months, and now was our perfect chance.

However, I paused curiously when the brunette walked straight past the door to the master bedroom.

“Aren’t we gonna need to be in there?” I asked hopefully.

Jane halted her stride, turned around, and put her hands on her hips sassily.

“I meant what I said,” she cooed, “you need a nice warm bath to relax. I think I need one, too.”

The cultist whipped around again and walked over to the far end of the hallway. She opened the bathroom door and then motioned for me to go inside.

As I passed through the threshold of the room, I realized this was one of the few places in the mansion I didn’t know like the back of my hand. Even though we’d lived here for a few years now, I always showered in the bathroom attached to my own bedroom, as did the succubi. This place was kinda one of those “unused rooms” we always just forgot about.

Much like the rest of the mansion, the bathroom was about as elegant as could be. Its walls were made of a shiny ivory material with white-washed cabinets attached to a dark gray marble countertop. In the center of the room was a large, circular bathtub that appeared to have jets on the inside. A few feet behind the tub, on each side, stood a walk-in shower with a large tile seat.

“Damn, this is nice,” I whistled as the brunette came in behind me.

“You’ve never been here before?” she gasped. “This is my favorite place to be in the whole mansion.”

“I guess I always went for convenience,” I said with a shrug. “Besides, this looks like it was only made for one or two people, and there are waaaay more than that living here.”

“But right now, it only needs to hold two people,” she giggled with a wink. “Here, let me go draw up that bath for you.”

“Just for me?” I shot back playfully.

The brunette woman walked over to the tub, bent over so her curvy ass was on full display, and turned on the faucet. She ran her hand underneath the cascading water before she pressed down on the plug and then looked back over her shoulder.

“I needed to make sure it wasn’t too hot,” she purred.

“There’s no such thing,” I flirted back as I took off the breastplate of my armor.

“Let me help you with that,” Jane offered.

The cultist walked over behind me and then slowly began to take off my armor, piece-by-piece. She was moving much slower than I probably would have, but it added an air of sensuality to the whole situation.

“Sorry about that armor,” I apologized. “When you’re down in Hell, everything wants to kill you. You gotta take the proper precautions.”

“That’s alright,” the brunette giggled, “it just means I have to work a little harder to get to the prize underneath. It’s like finding buried treasure.”

Jane tenderly helped me pull off my shirt, and then she ran her hand along my body as it traveled playfully down to my belt. The cultist reached down, undid the fastener on my pants, and slid the garment slowly down off my lower body.

I was now standing there, completely naked, and at full mast.

The cultist looked up at me from her position on her knees and bit her lip hungrily. Then she wrapped her hand around my erection and gave it a few strokes before she ran her tongue along the tip of my cock.

“Hold on, now,” I argued through a stifled moan. “Don’t I get to undress you, too?”

Jane’s face went red, but then she nodded happily. She gave my dick one last tug before she stood up to meet my eyes.

Before she could say anything else, I was fumbling at the belt on her robe. I kissed her slender neck tenderly as I undid the buckle and tossed it to the side, and Jane responded with a satisfied purr. Once the belt was gone, I grabbed the opening on both sides and pulled it back to reveal the cultist’s curvy body.

Normally, she would have been naked underneath the navy garment. But this time, she was wearing red lingerie that just barely contained her massive breasts.

“You’re wearing underwear?” I asked coyly. “That’s a new one.”

“This was the first time I’d seen you in months,” Jane shot back. “I wanted to try something a little bit different. You like?”

The cultist did a little twirl as she showed off her body in all its glory. When she got to her backside, I noticed the strap of the bra looked like it was holding on for dear life, and that her panties were really a thong.

Even though I was already hard as a rock, my cock somehow felt like it was growing harder.

When she had turned all the way around, Jand noticed, too. Her eyes lit up as she stared down at my throbbing erection, and she let out a slight gasp.

“You do like it,” she cooed.

“I think I’d like it better if it was off,” I admitted.

I pulled the cultist in close, and then our tongues began to explore each other’s mouths.

Jane threw her right leg up around my waist as I started to undo the straps on her bra. The fasteners popped loose, the fabric fell away, and the next thing I knew I felt her hard nipples pressed up against my bare chest.

We continued to make out as I ran my hand up and down the cultist’s soft back and tight ass. Every now and again, Jane would reach down and stroke me tenderly, just to make sure I was still ready to go.

As if I would ever not be ready for this.

Finally, Jane pulled away and strutted over to the bathtub. Her breasts jiggled with every step, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off her for even one second. The brunette bent over, turned off the water, and then ran her hand through the surface tenderly.

“It’s hot,” she purred.

“The water?” I asked with a wink.

The cultist turned around, threw her hands on her hips, and gave me a sultry pout.

“Very funny,” she mused. “I guess you’ll just have to find out.”

Jane bent over to remove her thong, and her breasts hung down perkily. She pulled her panties off her ankles, tossed them to the side, and then beckoned for me as she turned toward the walk-in shower.

I watched the cultist’s ass as she walked into the tiny room.

“I thought we were taking a bath?” I asked curiously.

Jane turned around, leaned her naked body up against the door frame of the shower, and then stared me down with her bright blue eyes.

“That’s for afterward,” she cooed. “Relaxing, remember?”

The second I was over by the shower, Jane wrapped her hands around my neck and kissed me passionately. At the same time, I grabbed her ass, picked her up, and sat her down on the seat.

Jane let out a tender moan as I slid myself inside of her slowly. Once I was all the way in, we began to move our hips together in unison. Her pussy lips were warm and tight around my cock, and the sensation made me wonder if I was going to last as long as I normally could.

I pulled my head away from Jane’s lips and started to kiss my way down her body as I tried to keep my rhythm going. My tongue landed on one of her perfect pink nipples, and the cultist let out a groan of satisfaction. I increased my speed as I sucked on her breast tenderly.

“Holy fuck … ” she gasped. “W-wait! I want to switch!”

“All you had to do was ask,” I moaned.

I slid out of the cultist, and then she weakly stood up. The second she was off the seat, I took her place.

“My knees are kinda weak,” she cooed with a wink. “I think I need to sit down.”

The cultist went down onto her knees, grabbed my cock with her right hand, and then slid it into her mouth.

I let out a deep, guttural groan as she moved her red lips up and down on my erection. She was only going about halfway down, but she was using her free hands to pleasure the area she wasn’t hitting with her mouth.

This was definitely something new, but I fucking loved it.

She continued to pleasure my dick like that for awhile, and I teetered on the edge the entire time. Her light blue eyes alternated between staring into my own and staring in awe at my erection, almost like she couldn’t decide what she liked more.

Finally, the brunette let my dick slip from her mouth, and she stood back up onto her feet. Jane spread her legs and straddled me, and then she gracefully slid her pussy down onto my waiting cock.

We both moaned as I entered her, but then she bit her lip and started to grind her hips against mine. The way we were sitting put Jane’s breasts right in my face, and I lovingly caressed each one as they bounced up and down with each thrust.

Her moans grew louder and louder as she pleasured me, and her warmth grew tighter around my dick. Jane whipped back her head and increased her pace as she rode me.

“Oh, I think I’m about to--” she gasped. “Ahhhhhhh!”

The sound of Jane’s climax sent me over the edge, and I felt my muscles spasm as I pulled her down onto my full erection and unleashed my own orgasm into her.

She grinded a few more times, and then she came to a halt. The cultist pressed her lips against mine once more, and we kissed for a minute or two before she pulled herself off me.

“Now that we’re all hot and sweaty,” she panted, “a bath sounds great.”

“All part of your plan?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

“It worked like a fucking charm,” Jane mused as she helped me back to my feet.

Jane was always beautiful, but she was currently bathed in an afterglow that made her look ten times more sexy. Her eyes were almost shimmering under the light, and her skin felt as soft as velvet. She took me by the hand, and the two of us made our way over to the bathtub.

I got in first, and I nearly passed out as the water surrounded me. Its warmth covered me like a blanket, and my muscles relaxed as I sank down to the bottom like a stone. My neck was just above the water, so I leaned back and rested my head against the lip of the tub.

Jane slid in next. Her sexy body disappeared beneath the surface of the water, but then returned when it pressed up against me tenderly. The cultist snuggled up against my chest and laid her head back next to mine on the side of the tub.

“All we’re missing is the spa pillows,” she sighed.

“You did a fine job, Jane,” I reassured the brunette. “Trust me, this is everything a guy could ask for.”

“I’m glad you like it,” she chuckled, but then she let out a troubled sigh. “I really thought I was never going to see you again, you know. When I heard your voice on the other side of that phone … it was the happiest moment of my life.”

“Wow,” I joked. “Happier than when you first converted over to my side?”

“I’m serious, Jacob,” Jane shot back. “If anything ever happened to you, I don’t know what I’d do. I thought I was happy when I was serving Azazel in his cult, but now I realize it wasn’t true ‘happiness.’ It was all a facade. He didn’t love us like you do.”

“The only one I ‘love’ is you,” I promised as I kissed the top of her head. “Well, and the succubi. And I think I’m coming around to Eligor, too … ”

“Those are all fine choices, my love,” Jane giggled. “I’m interested in that fiery blonde you brought back, as well. Maybe next time we take a bath, she can join us.”

“I dunno if she’s ready for that,” I said with a chuckle. “If you haven’t noticed, Eligor is a bit of a loner.”

“I can be persuasive,” Jane giggled and ran her finger against my chest. “So … what’s it like down there in Hell? It can’t be as bad as it sounds if you want to go back so bad.”

“Trust me, it was bad,” I explained. “Like, some of the most horrific shit I’ve ever seen was down there. But that was why I decided to take over as King of the Fourth Circle, so we could change things. Now, the Fourth Circle of Hell is hardly any different than modern-day Earth. It just has more vargrats and a hell of a lot more fines.”

“Fines and vargrats, huh?” Jane joked. “That doesn’t sound very pleasant.”

“Gula makes a mean vargrat curry,” I continued. “It honestly tastes better than a lot of the stuff here on Earth.”

“I guess I’ll have to try it when we get down there,” the cultist conceded.

“So that’s a yes?” I gasped. “You’re going to follow me back down into Hell? I have to warn you … doing that is a mortal sin.”

Jane’s bright blue eyes locked with mine.

“Jacob,” she explained, “I was a cult member for one of the most ruthless Demon Kings in the universe. I think I passed the threshold for ‘mortal sins’ a long time ago. Anyway, I will follow you wherever you go, Jacob.”

“I like the sound of that,” I admitted. “There’s plenty of room in the castle for you and Oliver and as many of the cultists who want to follow.”

“Castle?” Jane said with a fake gasp. “My, King Ralston … how official of you.”

“Ha ha.” I shot back. “It’s more of a shell of a castle, anyway. Once Asmodeus gives us access to his electricity supply, it’ll be just like our mansion up here, only ten times better.”

“I’m looking forward to it ‘my king,’” Jane mocked coyly.

I splashed the cultist playfully and then pulled her in as close to my body as I could. We laid there in the bathtub for at least another hour, enjoying the warmth of the water and the company of each other’s bodies.

Right as I was about to fall asleep, I heard a loud vibration against the tile of the bathroom floor.

“What was that?” Jane asked groggily.

“It’s just my phone,” I explained. “My last one got lost in Hell, so I had to get a cheap one from the gas station in Colorado. It vibrates louder than a fucking freight train.”

The phone went off again, but I tried to ignore it.

“It sounds like it’s important,” Jane admitted. “Are you sure you don’t want to check it out?”

“It’s probably Todd fucking around,” I explained. “I bet he’s freaking out about everything at his dispensary being dead.”

The vibration went off three more times, each one seemingly louder than the last. It went silent, and I leaned back and shut my eyes. Unfortunately, my slumber wasn’t long, since it vibrated with the force of a blender again.

“Fine!” I sighed. “I’ll go check it out. Excuse me … ”

Jane slid to the side, and I slowly stood up out of the tub. She gave my ass a playful smack as I exited, and the force made me stumble forward a bit.

I glared back at the brunette, but she just giggled coyly. I grabbed the nearest towel, wrapped it around my waist, and then headed over toward my heap of clothing. I rummaged through the stack of fabric until I found my pants, and I fumbled through the pockets until I found the small flip phone inside.

I popped it open and looked at the screen, ready to see all the messages that Todd had sent me. Instead, my mouth fell agape.

5 new messages from Raphael.

Chapter 4

My eyes must have been fucking with me. Text messages from Raphael? One, the Archangel hadn’t been heard from in months. Two, I wouldn’t have thought Raph could operate a cell phone, much less send entire text messages on his own.

“What is it, Jacob?” Jane asked curiously as she pulled her naked upper body out of the bathtub and pressed her breasts firmly against the side.

“It’s … it’s Raphael,” I stammered. “He sent me a bunch of texts.”

“The Archangel?” Jane gasped. “What are you waiting for? Open them up and see what they say!”

I pressed the small square button on the top right of the keyboard and opened up the first text. An hourglass appeared on the screen and flipped end-over-end for nearly a full minute.

“I knew I should have just sprang for the nicer phone,” I sighed and smacked the side of the flip-phone in frustration. “This damn thing is taking forever to load.”

Finally, the hourglass disappeared, and an entire wall of text appeared on my screen.

Jacob, it is me, the Archangel Raphael. I have been trying to call you for months now, but it keeps telling me ‘this mobile customer has an account that is inactive.’ I believe this might be the work of one of our most nefarious enemies. Beelzebub, perhaps? Anyways, after months of practice, I have finally perfected the art of the text message. As you can see, I’ve sent each one of these without a single grammatical or spelling error. Hopefully, this finally reaches you.

A few days after our conversation in Virginia, I was met by the Archangel Metatron and a small Divine SWAT team. Get this-- they told me you and your friends had descended through the Porta ad Inferos and were currently running around in Hell! Of course, I laughed in his face and told him the Jacob Ralston I knew would never do such a foolish thing. In fact, I told him I’d just spoken to you and your group of friends a few days ago and that you reassured me nothing was amiss. He seemed to get angry when I told him the location of our conversation, and then he demanded I come with him back to Heaven until you showed up for your trial.

Obviously, I obliged, as I figured you were just off on some short adventure and that you’d be there in no time. The day of your trial came and went, and I reassured them all you’d probably just forgotten. You are a busy man, after all. However, they refused to listen. Metatron had me detained and locked in one of Heaven’s holding cells for a few days.

But the plot thickens from there, my friend. Not long after this altercation, Metatron stormed into my room and accused me of ‘conspiring’ with a known Demon King. I simply laughed off the notion, but then he tried to convince me you’d killed Azazel and that you had taken over as the King of the Fourth Circle. Even more disrespectfully, he claimed I’d set this whole thing up and that I was a traitor to the Exalted One! Can you believe the nerve?

I told him you had done no such thing and that you hadn’t even gone into the Porta ad Inferos, so what he was claiming couldn’t possibly be true. But, he didn’t believe me. He locked me away in a slightly worse cell, which is where I sit now as I text you this message.

You’re probably wondering-- how did I sneak in this phone? Well, I’m ashamed to admit I had to hide it in a very, very awful place. A place where these angels would never think to look. That’s right, I hid it in my back pocket! Everybody knows it is the most scandalous place for a man to put anything, because of the obvious implication of its location. My shameful hiding spot worked, and I was able to keep my handy Motorola Zn200 on my person. Thank goodness for modern technology with its aerodynamic, slide-up design.

As I stated before, I tried to make several phone calls, but nothing seemed to go through. If you get this text message, please heed this warning-- Metatron is looking for you, and I get the feeling he won’t be as kind to you as he was to me. Please, for the sake of yourself and all of your friends, turn yourself in. I know you have done nothing wrong, and I hope to see you clear your name as soon as possible.

P.S. if you see Todd, please don’t tell him I have the ability to text. The last thing I need is to receive an inbox full of messages from “Phil Desnutz.”

“Holy fuck that was a long message,” I whistled when I finally read the last line.

“What does he want?” Jane asked curiously as she wrapped a towel around her curvy figure. “Did he tell you why he’s been gone for so long?”

“They got him,” I sighed. “Metatron and the forces of the Divine have had him locked up for all these months. He’s probably rotting away in a prison cell right now, and it’s all my fault.”

“Don’t talk like that,” the cultist pleaded as she placed her hand delicately against my face. “Raphael is a big boy. If he had wanted to avoid capture, he could have. But you know how much of a square he can be sometimes, never wanting to rock the boat even the slightest.”

“You’re telling me,” I chuckled. “Come on, let’s get some clothes on and talk to the others about what we’re going to do.”

Jane and I spent a few more minutes drying each other off sensually, and then we pulled our clothes back onto our bodies and headed for the door. As we approached the living room, I could hear Todd’s voice booming loudly from the couch.

“ … And then I had to beat off a pack of wild fucking dingoes to make sure the last of our weed crop hadn’t bit the dust!” the imp proclaimed as he stood atop the marble countertop and gestured wildly. “But, alas … I was too late. All of our shit, from the Canadian Moose Tranquilizer to the Don’t Worry Be Happy Mon was dead. Like, it was all drier than my ex when I tried to initiate.”

“What a shame,” Libidine said with a pout. “Tris is going to be very sad all her sweet treats are gone.”

“I’m more upset we lost over three-hundred thousand dollars worth of profit!” Todd added. “And the Brain Fucker. I was really looking forward to trying out that shit.”

“Can’t you just go buy some marijuana from a dealer?” Oliver asked curiously.

Todd’s eyes narrowed, and his entire demeanor changed. His body went tense, and then he scurried off the table, hopped up onto the back of the couch, and grabbed Oliver by the front of his robes.

“Buy … from … a dealer?” He grimaced as his eyes twitched. “What kinda peasant do you take me for, Ollie? I haven’t smoked a doobie in six months, and I’m sure as fuck not going to let my first time be some half-cocked, low-level strain that was grown in some dudebro’s basement!”

“Uh … am I interrupting something?” I tried to announce my presence.

Todd looked over at me, and then his eyes lit up, and his body relaxed. He let Oliver go and tried to compose himself.

“Oh hey, Jakey,” the imp greeted us as he brushed at Oliver’s robe. “Sorry about that, Ollie. I just left some cheeto dust on ya there … I’m totally not myself when I’m denied my Devil’s Lettuce.”

“That’s quite alright,” Oliver assured him. “We all have our addictions, and withdrawal is no joke. In fact--”

Todd leapt at the cultist, grabbed him by the robe, and began to shake him violently.

“Now listen here, you little New Balance-wearing fossil!” he snarled.

Suddenly, his body was surrounded by green Hellfire, and he was lifted up into the air and separated from the cultist by the telekinetic spell.

“That’s quite enough,” Libidine said, and her hand was aglow with emerald flames.

She set Todd back down on the table, and he plopped onto his rear.

“I’m-I’m sorry guys,” he sighed. “It’s been a long day.”

“Again, don’t mention it,” Oliver chuckled.

“Did you two enjoy your ‘spa time?’” Superbia asked coyly. “Hopefully, you’re all recharged and ready to go?”

“I sure am,” I said happily as I cracked my knuckles. “I feel like a million bucks. But I’ve got some bad news for you guys … I heard from Raphael.”

“So, the Archangel is still alive?” Oliver gasped. “What did he say?”

“He texted me saying he’s been captured by Metatron,” I explained.

“Fucking Megatron … ” Todd noted. “Also, Raphey does texts now? What’s his number?”

“He said he’d rather not--” I began, but the imp cut me off.

“I’m totally gonna send him a long string of messages where the first letter of each sentence spells out ‘UR Gay,’” the imp giggled. “Or maybe I’ll ask him if he’s heard about the man from Nantucket … ”

“I’ll give it to you later,” I promised the imp. “The long and short of it is Metatron wants me to stand trial for all the crazy shit I’ve done over the last few years.”

“But we’ve been helping the Exalted One!” Superbia growled. “Surely that must count for something.”

“I think it mostly has to do with our little excursion to Hell,” I explained. “The Archangel specifically mentioned something about me being King of the Fourth Circle.”

“I don’t see why that’s an issue,” Eligor finally spoke up. “If anything, it gives the Exalted One a man on the inside.”

“Exactly!” I agreed. “Maybe they just need to hear it from me.”

“You can’t seriously be considering turning yourself in, bro,” Todd argued. “We should all totally sneak up into Heaven and do some Prison Break shit to get Raphey outta there.”

“That sounds like a lot of fun,” Libidine concurred. “I’ve always wanted to see what Heaven is like.”

“Don’t be absurd,” Sia scoffed. “If anything, we need to try and cut a deal with Metatron. Perhaps we could offer him insider information on Hell in exchange for Raphael’s freedom? I wish Ira were still here … she’s good at that kind of thing.”

“Where did the sub go, anyway?” I asked curiously as I scanned the room.

Todd was still on the counter, with Eligor and Liby leaning against the marble behind him. Meanwhile, Sia and Oliver were nested in the fabric chairs that sat in the living room. Angelo Martatelli, or at least, the ghost of Martatelli, was hovering over in the corner as he browsed through the bookshelf against the wall.

However, there was no sign of the Sister of Wrath.

“Ira headed off to do some sort of fundraiser,” the succubus madame explained. “She wished she could stay, but she also claimed she couldn’t re-elect herself.”

“I suppose not,” I sighed. “Back on topic, what do we gain from bargaining with Metatron?”

“Not a lot,” Eligor protested. “Sure, he’d give back Raphael, but then what? You’d be at the mercy of the Exalted One. That’s completely unacceptable for a Demon King, especially one who’s trying to establish himself in the hierarchy of the underworld.”

“The new girl’s right,” Jane added. “You’re a king now, Jacob. You shouldn’t take shit from anybody.”

Jane and Eligor’s logic was sound. Even though I had no ill-will toward the Exalted One, I wasn’t Heaven’s lackey any more. Our original agreement had been we would act as their “spy” until all of the demons on that list were exterminated. Well, now all those bastards were gone, and so was their ringleader.

I didn’t answer to the big guns any more. I was one of the big guns.

“You’re right,” I said with a nod. “I need to confront this head-on. I’m going to try and find Metatron, and then I’ll tell him what’s what. Maybe I’ll go to Heaven for my trial, maybe I won’t. But if I do, it’s sure as fuck going to be on my own terms.”

“Now you sound like a king!” Oliver exclaimed as he clapped his hands together. “I must admit, I’m loving every second of this.”

Martatelli’s ghost suddenly froze, cocked its head, and then turned to Superbia. He whispered something in Italian, and then the redhead’s face drooped into a frown.

“He says somebody’s coming,” Sia warned. “A small group of people is headed this way. He can sense it.”

“Holy shit,” Todd whistled. “I didn’t know Martatelli was a Force Ghost.”

“I’ll give you all five guesses who it is,” I joked sarcastically. “Looks like we’re not going to need to go looking for Metatron after all.”

“What do you want us to do, Jacob?” Libidine asked with a hint of worry in her voice. “Shall we surrender?”

“Never,” I reminded her. “No, I’m not going to roll over like a kicked puppy and let them take me away in handcuffs. We’re going to kick their asses and then, once they’re defeated, I’ll decide what I’m going to do.”

“Non lethal, then?” Superbia asked as she summoned black Hellfire into her hands.

“Non lethal,” I confirmed. “Sia, I want you up on the second floor. Remember when we first visited this place, and there was a guard posted on that balcony?”

“Way ahead of you.” Sia nodded. “I’ll pick them off from above.”

“Excellent,” I continued. “Liby, Eligor, we’re going to try and lure them outside. That’s where you’ll be waiting to take them by surprise.”

The succubus and the knight both nodded, and they summoned forth their wings with a flash of purple. Then they dashed out the sliding glass door and took to the sky.

Superbia got up from her chair, ran into the entryway, and then her footsteps clanked up the stairs.

“So, where does that leave us?” Oliver asked.

“You, Jane, and I are the frontline,” I explained. “It’s going to be our job to funnel them all out into the traps we’ve set.”

“Soooooo, whatabout me, Jakey?” Todd questioned.

“You get the best part,” I said with a grin. “You’re an imp. Go do mischievous imp shit.”

“Full permission to be myself?” Todd tried to confirm.

“Full permission,” I chuckled. “I--”

My catty sentence was suddenly cut off by a loud knock at the front door. The tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife, but I knew somebody needed to grab the door.

“Todd, you wanna get that?” I asked.

“Uh, how about no?” the imp shot back. “Every time the Toddster answers the door, something crazy as shit happens. I’m not dealing with any creepy crawly spider-ass demons again, bro. Hey Linguini!”

The ghost of Martatelli placed his finger on his chest. “Perdono?” he mused.

“Yeah, you,” Todd continued. “You’re all poltergeisty and shit. Do ya mind grabbing the door?”

The Italian scientist shrugged, and then he floated out to the main entryway. The room was silent for a moment as we all readied our Hellfire, but then we heard Angelo’s voice call out from the other room.

“Pizza?” the scientist said with confusion in his voice.

Todd slapped himself on the forehead.

“Oh yeaaaah,” he snorted. “I totally forgot I ordered that. Be right there!”

The imp quickly transformed into his human form and then ran out to greet the delivery boy.

“It’s the pizza guy,” I laughed as I decast my Hellfire. “We just got all worked up over the--”

There was an explosion sound from the entryway, and then Todd’s body came flying through the nearby wall with a spray of drywall and stucco. The imp rolled to a stop right at the foot of the couch, but smoke still rolled off his body. He’d reverted back into an imp, and his entire front half looked like it had been burnt to a crisp.

“God … fucking … damn it,” he mumbled with his head against the floor.

Angelo’s ghost was right behind the imp, and he was shrieking in his native tongue. The scientist’s spectre zipped back through the wall with his arms trailing behind him like a fucking muppet, and then he vanished through the door behind us.

A large, muscular man stepped through the threshold of the living room. He was wearing a stain-covered red jacket with our favorite pizza place’s logo on the breast, and he had on the same gaudy hat the delivery guy always wore. His hand was still glowing with Divine light, and his eyes narrowed when he saw me.

“Jacob Ralston, I presume?” he asked. “Sorry to drop in on ya like this, but you left us no choice after that little stunt you pulled back in Colorado.”

From outside, I heard the simultaneous sound of gunfire and blasts of Hellfire. Fucking hell, they were way more prepared than I thought.

“Jane, go help Liby and Eligor,” I commanded. “Oliver, you go help Sia. I’ll take care of this clown.”

“I’m hurt, Jacob,” the man sighed as he threw his hat off to the side. “Or should I call you ‘King Ralston?’”

“You know,” I sneered and summoned red Hellfire into my hands, “that joke was funny, up until about the thousandth time somebody said it. Who the fuck are you, anyway?”

The man threw off his red jacket to reveal a white SWAT uniform underneath. Unlike the ones I’d seen before, this was much more heavily armored. The uniform looked like riot gear with its shiny white breastplate, shoulder pads, and shin and arm guards.

“Name’s Cael,” the man explained, and then he unsheathed a baton glowing with Divine light. “I’m Metatron’s second in command.”

“Fucking Starscream, bro … ” Todd joked weakly from the floor.

I wasted no time in attacking the bastard. I quickly called forth my green Hellfire, engulfed the flatscreen that hung on the wall, and launched it at the bastard’s head.

Cael was quick to knock it away, and the expensive television exploded into several shards of plastic wiring. The attack wasn’t very successful, but it gave me just enough of a distraction to make my move.

I blasted the warrior in the chest with a small fireball to knock him off-balance, and then I charged with a glowing yellow fist. I slugged the guy in the face and sent a spew of saliva and blood into the air.

Cael fell down onto his ass, and then Oliver and Jane made their departure. The white-haired cultist blasted the SWAT officer with a cast of red Hellfire as he ran by, and our opponent was knocked all the way to the ground.

I called forth my silver Hellfire and reached out toward the kitchen. I could feel the different utensils as they came under my spell, so I ordered them to meld together and take a new form. The drawers flew open as the liquified metal burst from inside, and then the silvery material mixed together to form a medium-sized warhammer. I commanded the newly-made weapon into my hand, and it flew across the kitchen until it landed firmly in my grasp.

Cael was just getting back to his feet as he tried to shake off my last blow.

“You know, you’re really lucky I’m not trying to kill you,” I mused. “That would have been a perfect opportunity right there.”

“Funny,” Cael growled and readied his glowing baton, “I was gonna say something very similar.”

The angelic warrior lunged at me and took a swing with his weapon. I blocked it immediately with my warhammer, but he was quick to get off a blast of Divine Light at point-blank range.

Unfortunately for him, I was always quick on the draw.

I threw up a small shield of purple Hellfire just as he released his attack, and the up-close impact sent us both flying backward. I felt my body being stuck like a pincushion as I crashed through the sliding glass door. I rolled across the hot grass until I finally used my momentum to flip myself up into a crouch. My warhammer had fallen from my grasp, but I knew I could recall it with a quick cast of my silver flames.

The warm sun beat down on my body, and I could feel small streams of blood running down my arms. But this was nothing compared to what I was used to.

I was a fucking Demon King.

I observed that there were already several SWAT officers down all over the yard.

Eligor was currently going hand-to-hand with one of them on the roof, while Liby and Jane were tag-teaming a small group over by the pool. It was actually quite the sight to see, Libidine zipping around and hurling yellow daggers at the men’s feet, all while Jane was setting them on fire and then tossing them into the pool to finish them off.

All of my friends made for a great team.

Unfortunately, my thoughts were cut short by another blast of Divine Light. I threw up a wall of purple flames in front of the attack, and the spell struck the wall and wrapped around it like cling wrap. The heat of the blast was intense, but I was determined to take this bastard down.

“Just give up, Ralston,” Cael taunted. “You don’t want to kill me, and I don’t want to kill you. Don’t make me beat your ass like we’re out in the schoolyard.”

As the warrior was monologing, I used my free hand to reach up, summon jade flames, and cast my telekinetic spell on the roof behind him. Several of the red clay tiles were encased with the glowing emerald light, and then I yanked my hand back toward my body.

There was the sound of breaking clay accompanied by a few yelps of surprise, and then the Divine Light disappeared.

I instantly threw out my hand, summoned silver flames, and recalled my warhammer back into my grasp. I readied the weapon before I took off in a full sprint toward Cael.

The last enchanted tile broke over the warrior’s head, and he turned around just in time to see me lash out with my weapon. The blunt end of the warhammer smashed into his side, and there was a loud crunching sound as his armor was cracked from the blow.

The attack sent Cael tumbling to the ground, but he was already retaliating with his baton. The weapon struck me in my left leg, and a huge jolt of electricity sent my body into a seizure.

I fell down on one knee and tried to cast a spell, but Cael was too fast. He struck me in the back of the skull with the enchanted baton, and I tasted iron blood as my head whipped to the side, and my body seized up again.

One more strike, and I was probably down for the count. I had to think fast.

The next time his baton came down, I engulfed my hand with purple Hellfire and reached up to grab it. The impact from the baton hurt like a bitch, but its trajectory was halted by my protective spell.

Unfortunately, my defensive maneuver left my whole right side exposed.

The next thing I knew, a small beam of Divine Light blasted into my side and sent me tumbling across the grass like a ragdoll. As I struggled back to my feet, my ribs felt numb, and I could taste even more blood in my mouth. I spat out a small puddle of crimson before I called my warhammer back into my hands.

“You call this non-lethal?” I mocked.

The Divine warrior just shrugged.

“You’re not dead, are you?” he shot back, and then he charged at me with his baton.

I blocked the first attack with the hilt of my weapon, twirled it around in my hand, and then smacked the fucker in the side of the leg.

Cael let out a grunt of pain, but then quickly recovered with a punch to my face. Some of my blood splattered onto his pristine white uniform, but I didn’t think he really gave a fuck. He followed the attack with another punch to my gut that made me double over in agony.

While I was bent over, the fucker twisted around my body and pressed his baton up to my neck.

Jolts of pain shot through my body as I was electrocuted by the Divine spell, and I struggled to stay on my feet. The pain was excruciating, but even worse, I couldn’t breathe. I made strikes to the fucker’s side with my elbows as I gasped for air, but his grip held firm. My vision started to tunnel, and I knew I had to do something before I was completely choked out.

I summoned yellow Hellfire into my right hand and then slapped it against Cael’s outer thigh. The second I did so, I unleashed a flurry of enchanted shuriken directly through the meat of his leg.

Cael let out a wail as his outer thigh was turned to ribbons.

But, more importantly, he let me go.

I fell to the ground and gasped for air as I tried to think of my next move. Unfortunately, the Divine warrior was already on it.

The baton struck me in the head once more, and I couldn’t help but collapse onto my hands and knees. Before I could recoup, the bastard’s weapon hit me violently in my already wounded ribs. My vision went black for a second, but then I shook my head and reoriented myself.

We were both worn down from the fight, and I was sure the next blow from Cael would certainly be the last. I just needed one final desperation heave.

I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, created a large portal beneath my body, and allowed gravity to do its thing. My exhausted body felt weightless as I fell through the portal and was transported through space and time, but I couldn’t drift off now.

I had to finish this. Now.

I re-appeared in the air directly behind Cael. Then I quickly cast a spell of silver flames, pulled my warhammer back into my hands, and raised it above my head.

Cael whipped around to block my attack, but he was much too late.

I let out a scream of frustration as I swung my weapon, and the blunt end of the warhammer came down on his right shoulder. There was a sickly pop as Cael’s armor splintered and his arm dislocated.

Without missing a beat, I held the weapon with both my hands, smashed the hilt into Cael’s face, and then spun around and took out his feet.

The Divine warrior fell onto his back and just laid there, nursing his wounded arm as he screamed in agony.

“Non lethal,” I mocked as I walked over to the fucker and pressed the blunt end of my weapon against his throat. “Just like we promised.”

As if right on cue, the body of one of the SWAT officers plopped to the ground behind me, and then I heard the flutter of large wings as they descended.

I glanced back to see Jane, Liby, and Eligor all at my back, Hellfire at the ready.

“That’s all of them,” Eligor mused as she brushed the dirt off her hands. “All taken down without a single casualty.”

“And Sia?” I asked. “How’s she doing?”

“Her and Oliver are tending to Todd,” Jane explained. “By the looks of it, they need to tend to you, too.”

“What gave it away?” I asked sarcastically, and then I turned back to Cael. “Now, I want you to contact your boss.”

“Why?” the Divine warrior questioned. “So you can beat him up too?”

“Of course not,” I growled. “Been there, done that. Call Metatron. I want to turn myself in.”

Chapter 5

“Oohhhhh,” Todd whistled as he, Oliver, and Sia stepped through the remnants of the sliding glass door. “That looked like it had to hurt.”

“I’ll be fine,” I reassured the imp. “It’s just some scratches. And a broken rib or two.”

“I was talking about him, bro,” he corrected me as he pointed to the crumpled heap of a man that was Cael. “He looks like Mankind after he got on the wrong side of the Undertaker.”

“I really must meet these Earthly warriors you keep talking about,” Eligor pondered. “They sound quite brutal.”

“You don’t get much more brutal than the Undertaker, Goldilocks,” Todd said grimly. “Nobody enjoys getting tombstoned. Nobody.”

“He’ll live.” I nodded and pulled back my warhammer. “Sia, can you heal us?”

“Us?” the redhead protested.

“Yeah,” I reassured her. “This guy may be a tool, but I don’t want him to be crippled for the rest of eternity.”

“I don’t need your help, Demon King,” Cael spat from the ground. “I trust the Divine Healers will do a much better job than any care your madame could provide.”

Superbia’s face contorted into a frown, and then she stomped over to Cael and slammed her left foot into his dislocated shoulder. The warrior grunted in pain, so the succubus began to twist her foot under her weight and caused him to writhe even more.

“Do you still wish to deny my care?” the succubus growled.

Cael muttered something under his breath, and Sia’s demeanor changed. She let out a deep sigh, summoned gold Hellfire into her hands, and then bent down to place her open palm on his wound.

The golden flames spread across Cael’s body slowly as his arm moved on its own and reconnected with his torso. The purplish-blue bruises on his face faded and were replaced by his natural bronzy skin tone. The blood that oozed from his nostrils seemed to coagulate in an instant, and then it flaked away in the breeze as the bridge of his nose fixed itself back into its regular position.

Sia removed her foot from Cael’s shoulder, and the Divine warrior sat up at the waist. He held his hand out in front of him in awe as he moved it back and forth, completely perplexed that it was as good as new.

“How’s that compared to your Divine Healers?” Superbia mocked.

The redhead sauntered over to me, summoned her golden fire, and placed her hand delicately on my side.

I couldn’t help but wince from her touch, but soon the dull throbbing sensation in my side turned into a warm tingle. Seconds later, the golden Hellfire engulfed my entire body, and the tingling sensation sprouted up at every single one of my wounds. I could feel the warm blood that ran down my face harden into a crusty scab and then flit away into dust, and the pain in my side completely disappeared.

Sia decast her spell and gave me a loving smile. “Better?” she asked coyly.

“Very much so,” I said as I tried to emulate her way of speaking. “I don’t think I’ll ever quite get used to that feeling, though.”

Cael pulled himself to his feet, and I quickly threw out green Hellfire around his entire body. His figure went rigid as it vibrated under my spell.

“Wha-- I wasn’t even going to try anything!” he protested.

“Gotta be safe,” I explained. “We were just beating the ever-loving shit out of each other a few seconds ago. Now … call Metatron.”

I released my hold on the Divine warrior, and his body relaxed.

He gave me a dirty look as he brushed off his uniform and reached into one of the pockets underneath his armor. The SWAT officer pulled out a large gray brick with a rubber antenna at the top, pressed a button, and then held it to his ear.

“What is it with these angels and their lack of technology?” I pondered aloud.

“Think about it, bro,” Todd continued, “Megatron was from the eighties. This is ‘modern’ to him.”

“No, we did not apprehend the perp,” Cael muttered into his communicator. “But he’s here right now. He wishes to surrender himself, but only to you. No, we’re all okay. Just a little beat up, that’s all … okay, see you in a bit.”

Cael put away his gray brick and turned his attention back to my friends and me.

“Well?” I asked with annoyance in my voice.

“Metatron is on his way,” the blond man admitted. “In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if--”

The warrior’s words were instantly cut off as a blinding white light appeared just behind him. The light materialized into the shape of a large, robed blond man, and then the figure of Metatron stepped forward.

“Is it true, Jacob?” he asked somewhat sarcastically. “Have you finally decided to turn yourself in?”

“I have,” I announced as I tossed my warhammer to the ground. “I’ll come peacefully. I just want to clear my name once and for all from whatever slanders have been tossed around while I was gone.”

Metatron raised a golden eyebrow as he looked at the scene around him.

“You call this ‘peacefully?’” the Archangel scoffed. “This makes it twice now you’ve beaten my men to a bloody pulp.”

“And don’t forget it,” I shot back. “I may be surrendering willingly right now, but never again. The next time you send your men after me, this is what’s going to happen. Again and again until you guys finally take the damn hint. We’re not enemies, Metatron.”

“I’ll let the jurors decide that one,” Meatron retorted grimly. “Now, come with me, please.”

The Archangel held out a glowing white hand and summoned a portal of Divine Light at his side.

All of us stepped toward the portal, but Metatron held out his hand.

“What now?” I sighed.

“Succubi cannot pass through the Pearly Gates,” he explained. “For … obvious reasons. You may call as many witnesses to the stand as you want when the trial begins, but for now you must come alone.”

“What kinda Ally McBeal bullshit is this?” Todd scoffed as he stepped to the front of the group. “As Jakey’s own personal lawyer, I demand that I be allowed to accompany my client. Without my authority present, you could pull some extortiony shenanigans, bro.”

“Is that the legal term they use here on Earth?” Metatron questioned. “Extortiony shenanigans?”

“Sure is,” the imp lied. “Now, I don’t know what kinda janky law you guys got up there on Cybertron, but usually a defendant is also allowed to keep his star witness around. Ya know, for safe-keeping.”

I knew Todd was lying out of his ass, but I was doing my best to play along. I guess that’s what I should have expected when my lawyer’s personal idol was fucking Harvey Birdman.

“Fine,” Metatron conceded. “As a sign of good faith, I’ll follow your code of Earth laws. You may bring along your lawyer and your star witness, but nobody else. However, I cannot bend on the ‘no succubi’ rule.”

“Seriously?” I argued. “My succubi are going to be my best witnesses!”

“Psssst, Jakey?” Todd called out. “A moment of legal counsel, bro?”

I bent down so I was at ear-level with the imp, and he placed his tiny hands on my shoulders.

“What’s up, Todd?” I asked.

“I know all the girls are gonna be your best witnesses, but I gotta be honest … I don’t have much legal ground to stand on with the whole ‘lawyer and star witness’ thing, bro,” he admitted.

“Really?” I asked with feigned surprise.

“Yeah, really,” Todd continued. “We don’t wanna push our luck on this one, so I’d recommend we just choose one of the non-succubus people in this group. I’m gonna say Eligor, since she was around for most of our adventure in Hell, and she used to be an angel and all.”

“You think Metatron will go for that?” I shot back.

“Leave it to me, bro,” Todd reassured me. “I’m about to work this guy’s mind like Chris Angel.”

We broke our impromptu huddle and turned back to face the Archangel.

“Alright,” I announced. “I’ve chosen my star witness. Eligor.”

“The fallen angel?” Metatron said with anger in his voice. “She most certainly is not--”

“Hold on just a gosh-darned minute there, bro,” Todd interjected. “You said no succubi. What about this fine blonde beauty here says ‘interdimensional sex demon’ to you?”

“The armor that barely covers her private areas, for one,” the Archangel answered.

“OBJECTION!” Todd shot back. “That armor is just for show. She’s a fallen angel who’s also a knight of Hell, not a demon. Thus, she doesn’t fall under the category of ‘succubus,’ and is therefore allowed to travel to Heaven. Am I wrong?”

“Technically, no,” Metatron sighed. “Alright, the fallen angel can come along. Now, let’s make it snappy. Your trial is already months behind schedule.”

Todd reached out his tiny red hand for a high-five, and I obliged him as I walked past.

“Best lawyer ever,” the imp whispered to himself.

Eligor, Todd, and I approached the portal of Divine light before I stopped, turned around, and looked at all of my friends.

“You guys hold down the fort while I’m gone,” I said with a nod. “And be ready, I may need you.”

Then I turned back around, took a deep breath, and stepped through the interdimensional gateway.

The sensation of this magic wasn’t like that of Hellfire. Instead of a feeling of emptiness and weightlessness, my body was engulfed with a warmth like that of a soothing balm. For a moment, just a brief moment, I felt a sensation of pure happiness.

The next thing I knew, my feet landed on a soft, spongy surface. I looked down and saw Todd, Eligor, the angels, and I were all standing on some sort of white fluffy terrain.

It was a fucking cloud.

“So all the portrayals are true?” I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Heaven’s built on a giant cloud?”

“Not exactly,” Cael grumbled.

“It wasn’t always like this,” Metatron explained. “However, in the last two hundred years or so, people started to panic when they first got here and didn’t recognize the Pearly Gates. They thought they had all died and gone to Hell, so the Exalted One repurposed the entrance to better match their … imaginative visions.”

“Speaking of Pearly Gates,” Todd whistled, “look at that beaut, Jakey!”

I couldn’t help but notice the massive structure that stood about a hundred feet away from us. It was a large, whitish-pink set of gates that were close to forty feet tall, and they stretched horizontally as far as the eye could see. At the front of the structure sat a small marble booth about the size and shape of an usher’s podium at a fancy restaurant. Behind it saw a short, stocky man with unkempt white hair and a long, bushy white beard.

Even though we’d literally been to Hell and back, I couldn’t believe we were currently standing in front of St. Peter and the Pearly Gates.

Metatron and Cael took the lead, and we followed them up to the small podium.

“Good day, Peter,” the Archangel greeted the man. “Look what we finally found.”

The man with the unkempt hair looked at me curiously, and then his eyes lit up.

“Jacob Ralston!” he exclaimed. “I was wondering if I would ever get to meet you. I was starting to worry you’d sold your soul to Lucifer or something like that.”

“If only I were so lucky,” I joked. “Nice to meet you, St. Peter.”

“Now, who else do we have here?” the Saint asked as he pulled out a pair of glasses and squinted at my friends. “Ah, Eligor the Knight! I gotta admit, I never thought I’d see you again.”

“Good to see you too, Peter,” the blonde grumbled.

“And then there’s--oh, no,” St. Peter gasped.

“What’s wrong?” Todd asked curiously. “Did they spell my name wrong on the form? I told ‘em it was ‘Todd’ with a double-d.”

“No,” Peter reiterated as he glared at Metatron. “No, no, no!”

“Peter,” Metatron sighed, “let’s be professional here.”

“There is no way in the h-e-double hockey sticks I’m letting Todd Masterson into Heaven!” the Saint protested. “Why don’t I let Jeffery Dahmer in while I’m at it? Maybe Pol Pot?”

“Surely Todd’s offenses can’t be that severe,” the Archangel protested as he walked over behind the podium and looked over the list.

Metatron scanned the document as he frowned curiously and ran his eyes back and forth across the writing. His eyebrows furrowed a few times, and at one point he pulled back with a disgusted look on his face. Then the Archangel shook his head and shuddered as he returned to the other side of St. Peter.

“See?” the Saint retorted.

“His offenses are very … odd, to say the least,” Metatron agreed. “But he is Jacob’s legal counsel, and thus he must be by his client at all times.”

“But, the thing with the--” Peter began to protest.

“Silence!” the Archangel ordered with a booming voice. “I am your superior, Peter. If I say Todd Masterson gets to enter through the Pearly Gates, he gets to enter through the Pearly Gates!”

St. Peter shrank below his podium and gave the Archangel a slight nod. Then he muttered some words in Latin, aimed his open hand at the door of the gates, and cast a spell of Divine Light onto it. There was the sound of trumpets as the gate swung open gently, and a series of white portals appeared along the horizon.

There must have been hundreds of the glowing portals, and they lit up the already bright landscape like a Christmas tree.

“What are all those?” I asked as my mouth fell agape.

“Those would be the real gates of Heaven,” Metatron explained. “No offense, Peter.”

“N-none taken, boss,” the Saint answered with a fake smile. “I’m just a glorified security guard, that’s all!”

Metatron rolled his eyes and then led us through the opening in the gates. We took a hard right as we walked past portal after glowing portal, and I could feel the temptation to step through washing over me like a spell.

Each gateway was accompanied by a small wooden signpost with writing that looked like it had been painted on freehand. From what I could tell, the portals were labeled with a different Earthly location or a different type of biome.

Finally, we came to a stop, and Cael broke away from the group.

“It’s been fun,” he mumbled, “it really has. But now, I’m gonna head back to my secluded cabin in the woods and unwind in the peaceful bliss of silence.”

The SWAT officer gave his boss a salute, and then he stepped through the portal labeled “Swiss Alps.” He vanished in a flash of Divine Light, and then we continued onward.

Metatron led us along for another ten minutes or so, until we finally came upon a signpost labeled “Cabo.”

“After you,” the Archangel implored as he motioned for us to enter.

The three of us stepped through the portal, and I instantly felt the warm rays of sunlight hit my exposed skin. I could tell it was fairly hot in this environment, but it wasn’t an unpleasant heat. I wasn’t sweating my tail off underneath my combat attire, and the light from the sky didn’t force me to squint like it would have back on Earth.

Grainy sand squished beneath my feet as I took in our surroundings and noticed we were currently on a beach. The sound of the crashing waves was music to my ears as I inhaled and caught the scent of brine, suntan lotion, and margaritas.

“It’s marvelous, isn’t it?” Metatron asked. “You see, Heaven is often referred to by you mortals as ‘paradise,’ correct? Well, everybody has a different definition of what ‘paradise’ is. To accommodate all the Ascended Souls who come to us from Earth, we have thousands of different locations that our guests can travel between at their own leisure. Once they find the perfect paradise for them, that’s where they plant their roots for eternity.”

“What about the nutters?” Todd interjected. “Ya know, the ones who think we’re all destined for Hell and think their reward is the apocalypse?”

Metatron’s eyes grew cold at the imp’s words, and he crossed his arms across his chest.

“We will get to that shortly,” he explained. “Now, come along.”

We followed the Archangel across the beach until we came to a large, four-story building that sat just off the sandy shore. It was light brown, with full-story windows placed across its facade at five-or-six foot intervals. The roof of the structure was a large square, and it jutted out beyond the border of the main building like an oversized piece of plywood.

At the bottom of the place were a series of large archways, each of which framed a large white door with two SWAT officers standing guard.

The soldiers gave Metatron a nod of recognition, and then they opened the door for us to enter.

Once inside, I noticed just how out of date this place felt. The carpet was a chocolate brown that somehow still looked stained beyond belief. On the light brown walls hung photographic portraits of all the different Archangels, accompanied by strange rectangular decor that was bright orange.

Inside the offices we passed, I saw flat-topped metal desks with orange chairs. A large, boxy computer sat to one side of the desktop while a dark green typewriter sat on the other.

“Ya know, Jakey … ” Todd whispered. “When I joked about these guys being stuck in the eighties, I totally wasn’t serious.”

We finally walked up to a tall brown reception desk. A woman with wide-brimmed pointy glasses sat behind it as she typed away at what appeared to be Macintosh Performa 580CD.

“Good day, Savannah,” Metatron said to the woman. “I have three people here awaiting trial for horrendous crimes against nature. Could you look up and see if there are any conference rooms available right now?”

The woman sassily snapped her gum in her mouth, and then she went back to typing at the computer. She clicked on something, and then the air was instantly filled with the grating digital sounds I was all too familiar with.

“Fucking dial-up?” Todd giggled.

Once the noise had finally stopped assaulting our ears, the secretary looked over at Metatron and clicked her tongue.

“Looks like yer in luck, Metatron,” she mused. “We already got Raphael in room twenty-six B.”

“Thank you, Savannah,” the Archangel nodded, “I appreciate everything you do for us.”

“Don’t mention it, toots,” the secretary said back nonchalantly, and then she returned to snapping her gum and typing at her computer.

“I apologize for that,” Metatron said as we walked down the hallway. “Sometimes I let my passion get the better of me.”

“Wait … ” Todd gasped. “Were you two just flirting?”

“Wasn’t it obvious?” the Archangel sighed. “We both need to learn how to keep it in our pants, or else the Exalted One will demote us to trash duties for a century.”

“Right … ” I trailed off. “I thought Raphael was being held in a prison cell?”

“Who told you that?” The Archangel stopped in his tracks and shot me a dirty look.

Shit. I forgot I wasn’t supposed to know that.

“I just assumed,” I shot back with a shrug. “You guys came after us, so I figured you got him, too.”

“Raphael is an Archangel of the highest order,” Metatron scoffed. “He may be in hot water right now, but we would never lock our old friend away in a cage. He’s been staying at a resort here in this sector of Heaven all this time. Of course, it’s a one-star resort. And we did forbid him from using cellular devices. And he cannot leave this sector. But still.”

“Sounds awful,” I chuckled as we came up on room twenty-six B.

Metatron reached out, turned the knob, and let us into the room.

The Archangel Raphael was sitting back in a chair with his feet up on the conference table like an old-timey mobster. He was wearing a deep blue hawaiian shirt with a floral pattern and a pair of chino shorts, and his skin looked ten times tanner than it normally did. The angel’s dark black hair was tied up in his normal man bun style, but now it was complimented by a pair of designer sunglasses that sat on his hairline.

“Is that--Jacob?” Raph exclaimed as he pulled his feet off the table and leaned forward in his chair. “And … Todd!”

“Hey Raphey boy,” the imp said with a grin, “how’s it hangin’?”

The Archangel leapt to his feet, rushed over, and swept Todd and me up into a bear hug.

“I thought I’d never see you again!” he said, nearly in tears. “It’s been horrible, Jacob. The things they’ve done to me here … ”

“I thought you said you were locked away in a cell?” I mumbled as I tried to escape the Archangel’s grip. “Not a resort on a tropical island.”

Raph released us and crossed his arms over his chest.

“What else would you call a place whose idea of a ‘continental breakfast’ is bagels and cream cheese?” he scoffed and then pointed at Metatron. “This man should suffer the First Circle of Hell for what he’s put me through!”

“Easy there, Raph,” I said as I tried to calm him down. “I’m here to clear my name, and then we can both get out of here.”

“That would be great,” the Archangel admitted. “The sooner we-- Eligor? What are you doing here?” He stared in shock at the fallen angel beside me.

“I’m part of Jacob’s team now,” the blonde knight said with a wink. “Looks like you and I are gonna have to be buddy-buddy once again.”

“I cannot wait,” Raph sighed sarcastically.

“You missed a lot, Raphael,” I admitted. “Like, a lot a lot.”

Todd hoisted himself up so he was standing at the center of the conference table, and then he cleared his throat obnoxiously.

“Alright, Megatron,” he explained. “Now that I’ve got both of my clients in one room, I’m gonna have to ask you to step out. They need some time to speak to their lawyer.”

The blond Archangel agreed, and then he exited the room and closed the door behind him.

“Hold on,” Raph protested, “I was going to represent myself. I never agreed to have Todd be my legal counsel.”

“Actualllllllyyyy, you kinda did,” Todd interjected. “Remember that delivery slip I had you sign like a year ago?”

“Not really,” the dark-haired man admitted.

“Welp, that was when I was really into my ‘lawyer movie’ phase,” the imp explained. “I needed a client, soooooo that slip was actually a legally-binding contract that says I get to defend should you ever go to trial.”

“What?” Raph gasped. “Why didn’t you just ask me, Todd?”

“I think we both know the answer to that one, Raphey,” the imp sighed as he clicked his tongue. “But I assure you, the Toddster’s gonna make sure you’re a-okay. And don’t worry, it’s all gonna be quid pro quo.”

“I appreciate that,” the Archangel admitted. “But, if I may ask, what are your credentials?”

“I got a BA from the University of Matlock,” the imp proclaimed. “Plus I have an MS from the School of Saul Goodman, and I did a bit of post-grad study at Boston Legal. Also, I’ve got My Cousin Vinny on speed dial. He knows A Few Good Men that can assist if we need them.”

“Wow!” Raphael proclaimed. “I never realized you had so many titles under your belt.”

Todd wobbled over to Raph, slapped him happily on the back, and leaned into his ear.

“I got a lot of surprising things under my belt, if ya get my drift,” the imp joked.

“Right.” Raph sighed. “Now, shall we discuss--”

“I’m talking about my schlong, if ya didn’t get it,” the imp explained.

“I understand, Todd,” the dark-haired man retorted. “What I was saying is we need to discuss our legal strategy.”

“As ‘star witness,’ I agree,” Eligor chuckled. “Do we know the exact charges brought against us?”

“There were quite a few,” Raphael explained. “First, there’s the accusation Jacob broke interdimensional law and traveled to Hell as a living mortal. That’s the big one. Then there’s this insane idea he somehow not only killed Azazel, but then took his place as one of the Demon Kings of Hell and has begun to form alliances with other powerful demons. Last, but certainly not least, I’m sure they’ll bring up the fact you were in contempt of court for months. That last one may be true, but we should be able to get off scott-free on those other charges.”

“Weeelllllll … ” I said awkwardly. “Probably not.”

Raphael raised a dark eyebrow and leaned forward in his chair.

“What are you talking about?” he demanded. “Was I not clear in the charges that have been brought against us? Tell me there isn’t any truth to them.”

“That’s the thing, Raph … ” I sighed. “It’s all true. When you found us out in the woods, after we’d killed all those Daeva, we were looking for the Pora ad Inferos.”

“You lied to me?” the normally-levelheaded Archangel growled. “Why on Earth were you looking for the portal to Hell?”

I went silent. I felt bad I had lied to one of our friends, but what else was I supposed to do? Had he known what we were really doing, he would have tried to stop us. At least now I could come clean.

“Because I was tired of having that sorry bastard Azazel dictating what happened with my life,” I explained. “He had Invidia locked up in a cage, and her sisters wanted her to be freed. So, we went down into Hell, fought our way through the first Four Circles, and then freed her.”

Raph’s face was slack, and he wore an expression of hurt in his eyes. The Archangel ran his hands through his hair in frustration before he leaned back in the chair.

“And what about Azazel and the throne of the Fourth Circle?” he asked. “Are the rumors about that true as well?”

“They are,” I admitted. “You’re currently speaking to the King of the Fourth Circle, in the flesh.”

Raph bit his lip in frustration as his eyes darted around the room. Finally, he took a deep breath and folded his arms over his lap.

“Alright,” he said calmly. “So, you’re now a Demon King. I think we may actually be in some deep trouble here. Pardon my French, but once we enter that courtroom, we’re screwed.”

“Easy there, potty mouth!” Todd exclaimed with fake shock. “Nobody’s gonna be in trouble. Jakey and I have a fool-proof plan to get us outta this.”

“You do?” The Archangel’s tone perked up a bit. “What is it?”

“I’d love to tell ya,” the imp admitted, “but it’s Jakey’s plan. So, I’ll let him do all the legwork on this one. Right, Jakey?”

“Sure thing,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “My plan is to tell the truth.”

“With a bit of a spin, of course,” Eligor added.

“Right,” I confirmed with a nod. “I’m going to march in there and explain everything that’s happened in the last few months. But I’m going to remind them I always have been and always will be on the side of the Divine. I’m also gonna mention how my followers and I have killed off every single demon that was in the book from the Chapel of the Trinity, and how that means our agreement is terminated. I’m a free agent now, so it shouldn’t matter that I’m a Demon King.”

“But it matters very much,” Raph protested. “The Divine and the Demonic are sworn enemies, Jacob. If you’re forming alliances with other Demon Kings and picking up followers in the Lake of Fire, then the Exalted One is going to see you as his enemy.”

“That’s a pretty black and white way of looking at things,” I shot back. “The way I see it, now the Divine has an inside man down in Hell.”

Raph quirked his head to the side as he began to rub his chin and stare off deep in thought.

“That angle might work,” he admitted. “Having an operative inside Hell itself is a prospect we’ve been trying to make happen for years. Unfortunately, most of the fallen angels tell us to, and I quote, ‘go fuck ourselves.’”

“See?” I proclaimed. “This is totally going to work.”

“As your friend, I’m afraid I’m going to warn you against that,” Raph sighed. “It’s one thing to be a demon-hunter on the side of the Divine, but it’s a whole new game if you want to be Heaven’s inside man.”

“How so?” I asked. “It can’t be any worse than having literal demon bounty hunters showing up at our doorstep and trying to kill us. Can it?”

“I’m afraid it’s much worse,” the Archangel explained. “Though both sides would love to do it, sending an inside operative into the other party’s domain is strictly forbidden by the Articles of Sodom. If you are caught, the Divine will have to officially deny they know you.”

“That means you’d be at the full mercy of Lucifer and all of the pissed-off Demon Lords who thought you were on their side, with zero help from the Divine,” Eligor added. “If they get ahold of you, I promise we’ll all suffer a fate far, far worse than death.”

“Then they won’t find out,” I declared. “I’m a pretty good actor. At least, that’s what Mr. Tarley from Drama Class always told me.”

“I can vouch for that,” Todd said excitedly. “This dude’s portrayal of Sam in Green Eggs and Ham never failed to bring a tear to my eye. Oscar-worthy shit, bro.”

“So, we go for the plea deal,” Raphael conceded. “But what do I say? I lied through my teeth to one of my oldest comrades.”

“I’ll tell them you had no idea about any of this,” I promised. “Once they hear that, they should let you go with no questions asked.”

“Thank you, Jacob,” the Archangel said somberly. “I do have one last question for you, though.”

“What is it, Raph?”

“What was it like to kill Azazel?” he said as a smile started at the corner of his mouth. “The two of us have been at each other’s throats for millennia. I wish I could have been there to see you put him out of his misery.”

“It was fucking awesome,” I assured him. “I sapped all of my succubi’s energy into myself and unleashed a God Bomb on the bastard. Then, when he was down on his knees, giving one of his pompous villain speeches, I cut off his head with the Unhallowed Sword.”

“Yup,” Todd backed me up. “I saw the whole thing. Now Azazel’s noggin is nailed to a pike on the nearest village’s outer wall.”

“That sounds delightful,” Raphael chuckled. “If I’m ever allowed to venture down there, I hope you’ll take me to see it.”

“Of course we will,” I promised the Archangel with a grin. “Hell, I could take some photos of it if you want!”

All four of us began to laugh, but whether it was from the dark scenario or just pure stress, I didn’t know. Then a knock at the door shut us up quickly.

“Come in,” Todd called out.

The door of the outdated conference room opened, and in walked a shorter redheaded woman. She had her orangish-red locks tied back into a ponytail, and her face was covered all over with adorable freckles. The woman was wearing a pair of black leggings, with a plain gray tank top that clung to her body like a wet towel and showed off the erect nipples underneath. Her figure was on the smaller side, but her arms and legs looked completely ripped, and I could clearly see the outline of abs underneath the tank top.

“Can we help you, dear?” Eligor finally asked.

The woman looked down at the ground bashfully and kicked her foot back and forth in an “aw shucks” manner.

“I, uh … ” she stammered. “I just wanted to see if what they said was true.”

“That depends,” I said in a tone probably way more flirty than it needed to be. “What are they saying?”

The redhead let out a slight giggle and then looked up at me with her dark brown eyes.

“They said they had a Demon King in their possession,” she explained. “I’ve never actually met one, or any demon, for that matter, before. So, I just wanted to come by and see, that’s all.”

“Well, for starters,” I corrected her, “they don’t have me in their possession. I volunteered to come up here so I could clear all the slander that’s been going on against me lately. I beat their men twice down on Earth, and I could do it again easily. The only reason I’m here is because I want to be.”

The woman pursed her lips and looked at me coyly.

“So you’re the one who gave Metatron that shiner on his eye, huh?” she asked.

“Damn straight,” I admitted.

“He’s trying to cover it up with makeup,” the woman giggled, “but we all know it’s there.”

“Jacob, I don’t see how this is--” Raph started, but then Todd shushed him.

“Jakey’s trying to add another notch to the belt,” the imp whispered loud enough that everyone in the room could hear it. “Just be cool and try to be a good wingman, okay?”

“Uh, sure,” Raph whispered back in a fluster.

Suddenly, the Archangel’s massive, feathered white wings sprouted from his back and stretched out wide enough to fill the width of the room. He gave Todd an awkward thumbs up, and the imp facepalmed.

“You guys are a lot more fun than I thought you’d be,” the redhead said with a smile. “I’ve always heard Demon Kings were ruthless warlords who wanted nothing more than to put my head in a blender and eat my brains in their morning protein shake.”

“Yuk,” Todd gagged. “Protein shakes. Who the fuck even drinks those?”

“I do,” the woman answered with a shrug. “You can’t start your day promptly at six a.m. without a good ‘ol fashioned protein shake.”

Todd slithered over to my position and leaned in close to my ear.

“Jakey,” he whispered. “As your legal counsel, I’m gonna have to advise you to pass on this one. When the fuck was the last time either of us even saw six a.m.?”

“Thanks for the advice,” I answered with an eye roll, “but I think I’m gonna abstain.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, who are you?” Eligor spoke up from the other side of the table. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before.”

“Oh, probably not,” the redhead admitted. “I’m just a lowly blacksmith in the Divine Army. I spend most of my days hammering away at pieces of enchanted armor and weaponry, and when I’m not doing that I’m usually going for a jog or a swim or hitting the gym.”

“The red flags are allllll over the place, bro,” Todd warned once again, but I completely ignored him.

“The name is Ariel,” she finally announced.

“Jacob Ralston,” I said with a nod. “Technically, ‘King Ralston,’ but everyone I give a shit about just calls me Jacob.”

Ariel’s face turned red, and she looked down bashfully.

“Am I somebody you give a shit about?” she cooed.

“I dunno,” I admitted, “you definitely could be.”

“That would be nice,” she giggled. “Um, so, I hear you’re going to be on trial?”

“Unfortunately,” I sighed. “But with any luck, it should all be wrapped up by the end of the day.”

“I hope so,” Ariel said with a nod. “Well, ‘King Ralston,’ if you’d like to come and find me when all is said and done, I generally hang out in this building’s exercise room down on the first floor.”

“I’ll do that,” I promised with a wink. “Nice to meet you, Ariel.”

The redhead gave us a little wave, and then she opened the door and slunk out of the room.

“She was cute,” Eligor purred. “Definitely got some pep to her.”

“A little too much, if you ask me,” Todd interjected. “What kind of psychopath wakes up at six a.m. every day?”

“Literally ninety percent of the working world,” I answered. “You should try it sometime.”

“Nah,” the imp said as he waved his hand dismissively. “I think I’ll stick to waking up at noon sharp, bro.”

“How did I do as a ‘wingman?’” Raphael asked, completely oblivious.

“Ya did good, Raphey,” Todd lied. “But I might need to work with you on the art of subtlety.”

There was another knock at the door, but this time it was much more heavy-handed.

“Are we ready to go?” Metatron’s voice asked from the other side of the wall. “Or do you need more time with your clients?”

“We’re all good in here, bro,” Todd called out.

The four of us stood up, took a few deep breaths, and then headed toward the door.

“Hey Todd?” I asked the imp. “Can you promise me you won’t use too many lawyer movie references? This is kind of a major deal.”

“I’m not ready to make promises I know I can’t keep, bro,” Todd admitted. “But I’ll try. Oh shit, I forgot the finishing touches!”

The imp stopped in his tracks, closed his eyes, and then his skin began to bubble. Instantly, his bare torso morphed so that it was covered with a small black blazer with a red dress shirt and black tie underneath.

“Looking snazzy,” I joked as Todd slicked back the nest of blond hair on his head.

“You can’t go into the courtroom looking like a bum, bro,” he explained. “At least, not when you’re the lawyer.”

I reached up, grabbed the handle on the door, and then pulled it open.

The Exalted One V. Jacob Ralston was just about to begin.

Chapter 6

Raphael, Eligor, Todd, and I walked out into the hallway and were instantly greeted by a large mob of people. Cameras flashed in our faces, and incomprehensible questions were shouted as Metatron and a pair of white-uniformed SWAT officers led us through the throng of people. The cluster of bodies parted like the Red Sea as we moved through, but then they began to follow us down the hallway.

“Everybody stay back!” one of the guards announced. “You know the rules, you’ll get your chance for interviews after the trial’s over.”

“Who the fuck are those guys?” I asked as we followed the Archangel.

“Reporters,” Metatron sighed. “We tried to keep this whole ordeal under wraps, but when you didn’t show up for your original trial date, people started to talk.”

“Why does Heaven even need reporters?” Todd pondered aloud. “Aren’t you guys all impotent for the most part?”

“I think you mean ‘omniscient,’” Raphael whispered.

“Oh, riiiiggght,” the imp said as he smacked himself on the head. “Immunodeficient. My bad.”

“You’d be surprised at all the things we have up here,” Metatron explained. “Often, when humans die, they want to spend eternity doing the same things they did when they were alive. It’s quite strange to someone like myself, but I suppose old habits die hard. Believe it or not, Heaven is not just a bunch of people sitting on clouds playing the harp.”

“Thank God,” the imp whistled. “That sounds like torture.”

“It is, actually,” the blond Archangel continued. “If you four are found guilty, the Exalted One will have you put away on a large cloud over one of the oceans of Earth Realm with a harp that plays eternally.”

“Jesus H … ” the imp muttered, and then he turned to me with his eyes wide. “We gotta win this one, bro. If we don’t, we need to form some sort of suicide pact, because I’m not spending eternity listening to a fucking harp.”

“That’s what you’re here for,” I reminded Todd as we wound our way through the hallways of the office building.

We continued on with the reporters at our back for a few minutes, and the decor around us began to change as we walked. We soon found ourselves surrounded by pasty white walls with a dark wooden trim that ran halfway up the side. Every now and again there was a logo that read “Department of Divine Justice” in bold letters. Just beneath the writing was the image of a dove holding a “Jesus Fish” symbol in its mouth, with a weight scale behind it.

“So, I gotta ask,” I blurted out as we continued to walk through the hallways, “is the Exalted One himself going to be our judge? He is the one who summoned us, after all.”

Meatron stopped in his tracks, turned around to face me, and then burst out laughing.

“Did you really think the Exalted One was going to come out to the ‘Cabo’ section of Heaven?” he guffawed. “This is just one of the smaller courts, Jacob Ralston. The master of all things only appears when the case is very, very grave. And even then, those cases are heard in the Hall of Justice, not here.”

“This place is too much,” Todd giggled.

We pressed on as a group for another five minutes or so, and then we came to a set of massive double doors engraved with the Department’s logo.

“Now, be on your best behavior,” the Archangel warned. “They take their legal cases very serious here in Heaven.”

Without further ado, Metatron opened up the door and motioned for us to walk inside.

My jaw nearly hit the floor as we entered the massive chamber. I’d been inside courtrooms down on Earth, but this one made them all pale in comparison. The ceiling of the room stretched all the way up the four stories of the building and came to a head with a large rotunda.

Inside the rotunda was a beautiful painting that seemed to depict the biblical account of Joseph confronting his brothers. The entire thing was done in a Renaissance style, with the hyper-realistic human figures and muted colors abound. Yet, something felt off about it. Perhaps it was the fact most Renaissance painters never painted a scene from Ancient Egypt, or maybe it was just because it wasn’t one of the images I’d seen in my history textbooks a million times over. Either way, it was hypnotizing to look at.

I finally pried my eyes away from the painting and examined the rest of the room. Up at the front was a large, white marble bench with the Department’s logo etched into its front. Immediately to the right of the judge’s bench was the witness stand, made out of the same marble material. All the way against the wall of the room sat a large, lifted square area, filled with people who I assumed to be the jury. Two stone tables were attached to the ground in the center of the room, each one with a hook for handcuffs and a small podium to place notes or documents.

Most curious of all, however, were the bronze horns that sat in front of each installation. Those couldn’t possibly be the substitute for microphones, could they?

All the way at the back of the white marble room, there was row after row of audience seating. As we passed between the aisles of the soft leather seats, I observed we were going to be performing in front of a full house of angels and Shades.

Todd, Raph, and I were led to the large marble table, where we stood patiently as we awaited the proceedings.

Eligor, as the ‘star witness,’ had to stay in the front row of the audience until she was called upon.

“Hold on … ” I whispered to my friends. “If we’re the defendants, then who’s the prosecutor?”

“That would be me, my friends,” Metatron chuckled as he left us and walked over to the second table.

The Archangel undid his robe and slid it off his shoulders to reveal a pure white suit underneath, complete with a white dress shirt and a gold tie. He placed his robe delicately on the back of his chair, adjusted his suit, and then stood there in waiting.

“I totally didn’t see that one coming, bro,” Todd sighed.

“Ah, we’ll be fine,” I joked. “I’m sure that ass-kicking we gave him back in Colorado will have absolutely no repercussions in this trial.”

“Ass-kicking?” Raphael gulped. “Metatron was the one you beat up when you returned?”

“Relax, Raph,” I promised the Archangel. “I’ve got a plan.”

“Oh thank God,” Todd sighed. “Because I was totally just gonna wing it, bro.”

“You were going to what?” I hissed back at the imp.

Before he could respond, a man with a trumpet walked out of the back room. He blew into his instrument to get our attention, and then he stood stiff as a rock.

Just behind him, another man entered the room wearing a flowing white judge’s robe and an old-timey judge’s wig. His face looked like it was powdered beyond belief, and he wore a stern, uncaring expression.

“All rise!” the man with the trumpet announced, and the entire courtroom stood up. “The Court of the Cabo District is now in session. Judge Elijah will be presiding. You may be seated.”

“Thank you,” Judge Elijah announced as he sat down behind the podium. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, good afternoon. Calling the case of the Exalted One vs. Jacob Ralston and the Archangel Raphael. Is everyone ready to proceed?”

“The prosecution is ready, your honor,” Metatron announced.

“Uh, yeah,” Todd said as he adjusted his miniature tie. “We’re all good to go over here too, your excellency.”

The next few minutes were spent by having everyone in the courtroom sworn in on a copy of the Bible that looked like it was thousands of years old. First it was the jury, then Metatron, and then us.

Being a Demon King, I was halfway worried I was going to light on fire the second I touched the thing. Thankfully, my concerns were unfounded.

Once everyone had been sworn in, the judge cleared his throat loudly.

“We shall begin with the opening statements,” Judge Elijah announced. “Would the prosecution like to go first?”

“Actually, your honor,” Metatron explained, “the prosecution would like to defer.”

“I don’t like the sound of that,” I whispered to my friends. “What’s this guy trying to pull?”

“I dunno, Jakey,” Todd admitted, “but your plan is foolproof. We’ll just stick to that.”

“Granted,” Judge Elijah announced with a nod. “The defense will make their opening statement first.”

Todd hoisted himself up onto the table, fastened the top button on his blazer, and then rubbed the creases out of his jacket.

“Your honor,” he began, “ladies and gentlemen of the jury … I’m just gonna be real with you here, okay? Raphael is completely innocent, no “ifs,” “ands,” or “buts.” I can prove he had nothing to do with anything that’s transpired in the last few months and that his hands are totally clean, so he is pleading ‘not guilty.’As far as my other client, Jakey, goes? ‘Not guilty,’ as well. We’ll let the evidence speak for itself, because it’s gonna mindfuck you so hard you’ll drop all charges like a supermodel drops her panties when standing in my presence. Jacob Ralston isn’t the evil, diabolical dude you all seem to think he is, and I can prove it. I’m not sure what exactly you think he’s done, but he’s still the coolest, baddest bro this side of the interdimensional portal. Thank you.”

Judge Elijah was leaning in to hear, and then he shook his head.

“Would the defense repeat that?” he asked in a huff. “Perhaps into the microphone?”

“Oh, yeah,” Todd chuckled.

The imp leaned into the brass horn at the corner of the table and repeated his speech. Once he was done, he gave the judge and jury another “thank you,” and then he stepped back and sat down.

“Thank you.” Judge Elijah nodded and then turned to Metatron. “Now, the prosecution.”

Metatron looked smug as ever as he stood up and walked out onto the floor of the courtroom. Just for good measure, the Archangel slicked back his blond hair and paused for dramatic effect.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” he began, “Judge Elijah, I come before you today to ask you one question. How much should we allow our laws, our sacred, interdimensional laws, to be bent?”

“I really don’t like where this is going,” Raphael grumbled.

“Yes, this man, Jacob Ralston, has done lots of good for both Earth and Heaven,” Metatron continued. “He and his friends have eliminated countless demons that have been plaguing the world for the last few millennia, and for that, we will be forever grateful. But, these good benefits come at a great cost. For every demon Jacob Ralston kills, for every despot he removes, for every succubus and cultist he steals, he gains followers. Now, he has not only mortals worshiping him like a deity, but also Shades, assassins, and Demon Lords! Ralston has proclaimed himself a Demon King and has formed alliances with our mortal enemies! And then there’s his followers on Earth … they used to mostly stick to their own turf with their strange rituals and cult-like worship of Jacob, but now they turn to active violence?”

“Wait, what?” I couldn’t help but gasp.

“And they claim it’s in the name of our Lord, the Exalted One?” Metatron growled, but I could see he was nearly in tears. “The Cult of Ralston goes around recruiting other mortals into their perverse ways, and kills anyone who doesn’t agree with them. Worst of all, they’ve dragged one of our Divine brothers into their twisted games!”

“Objection!” Todd shouted overdramatically.

“On what grounds?” The judge asked.

“Uhhhh,” Todd paused. “Cause Megatron is an asshat?”

“Overruled!” Judge Elijah hissed. “The prosecution may continue.”

“Thank you, your honor,” Metatron said with a slight bow. “Now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I say enough! Jacob Ralston has abused his power, his followers are out of control, and if we don’t do something soon, who knows the destruction he will cause next? Thank you.”

“Not gonna lie,” Todd whispered to the two of us, “his speech was way better. But the Toddster’s gonna get you outta this, okay? Cross my heart and hope to die.”

“Defendants,” Judge Elijah asked in our direction, “do you have any witnesses or exhibits you’d like to present to the jury?”

“We sure as shootin’ do, your honor,” Todd exclaimed. “Goldilocks, get up here!”

Judge Elijah shot Todd a dirty look, and the imp shrank in his chair.

“Er, I mean,” he stuttered, “the defense would like to call Eligor to the witness stand.”

The blonde knight stood up out of her chair, and then the bailiff escorted her up to the marble square that sat next to Judge Elijah. She was forced to swear on the Bible, and then she sauntered up and sat down in the leather seat.

“Please state your name for the record,” Judge Elijah bemused.

“Eligor, fallen angel and knight of Hell,” she announced.

The room was suddenly filled with hushed whispers, until the judge banged his gavel angrily against the stand.

“Order in the court!” he growled. “Defense, please question your witness.”

“Star witness, your honor,” Todd stated proudly as he stood up on the seat of his chair.

The sharp-dressed imp strutted out onto the floor of the courtroom with confidence, and then he leaned up against the witness stand with one arm.

“Alright, Goldilocks, I’ll make this quick,” he began. “Tell the boys and girls here how you met Jacob, and what exactly his mission was when you met.”

“Alright,” Eligor said with a nod. “I met Jacob during one of the great jousts of the Fourth Circle. He and his friends had just slain Azazel’s champion, Malphas, and Jacob was planning on attacking the Father of Warfare right then and there. Thankfully, I was there to talk him down from the ledge.”

“So, you admit he was there to kill Azazel?” Todd questioned.

“I do,” the blonde knight agreed. “One of the first things he told me was he and his friends were in Hell so they could, and I quote, ‘kill Azazel once and for all.’”

“So, Eligor, please tell the ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” Todd continued, “was he successful in his mission?”

“Yes, he was,” the blonde answered.

“And so, what happened after that rat bastard was dead?”

“Jacob took over as King,” Eligor admitted. “That part of the accusation is very true. But it’s not what you think, not by a long shot. I’ve been a fallen angel for hundreds of thousands of years, and I’ve dealt with many different Demon Kings and Demon Lords in my time. None of them have ever been as level-headed, just, and fair as Jacob Ralston.”

“Fair in what ways?” Todd fired back.

“First of all, Jacob took away all forms of violent torture in the Fourth Circle,” Eligor explained. “Now, the Shades are punished for their greed in their previous life through excessive fines, rather than by being forced to fight to the death. As acting King, Jacob has also brought the Fourth Circle out of the eleventh century and into the modern world.”

“And has he ever seemed to be plotting against the Exalted One in any way, shape, or form?” Todd inquired.

“Quite the contrary,” Eligor scoffed. “King Ralston has on multiple occasions spoke of his intentions to work with the Divine.”

“Final question,” Todd said as he pulled away from the podium. “Did the Archangel Raphael conspire to cover for Jacob?”

“I wouldn’t know,” the blonde admitted. “This is the first time I’ve seen Raphael in hundreds of years.”

“No further questions, your highness,” Todd said with a bow, and then he turned around and shot me a thumbs up.

The imp sauntered back to his seat before he and Raphael exchanged a high-five.

“Prosecution?” Judge Elijah asked Metatron.

The blond Archangel stood up, walked over to the podium, and then placed his hands behind his back. He began to pace back and forth, with a smug smile glued onto his face.

“So, remind me, Eligor,” he began, “you introduced yourself as a Knight of Hell and a fallen angel. Why should the ladies and gentlemen of the jury trust anything a traitor has to say?”

“Objection, your honor!” Todd groaned.

“Oh what grounds?” the judge sighed.

“Uhhh, he, uhhh called her a traitor, but that doesn’t have any bearing on her testimony.”

“Sustained,” Elijah agreed. “Metatron, please refrain from using derogatory words when questioning the witness.”

“Of course,” the Archangel conceded before he turned back to Eligor. “So, why should the people of the jury trust your words?”

“Because there’s nothing to lie about,” Eligor shot back. “Ever since I allied myself with Jacob, things have been going great for me. Besides, every single word I’ve said could be proven just by taking a look into the Fourth Circle.”

“You say you allied yourself with Jacob … ” Metatron continued. “Who, may I ask, were you allied with before?”

The color drained from Eligor’s face, and she held her head down in shame.

“Lilith, the Demon Queen,” she admitted.

The courtroom broke out in murmurs once more, and Judge Elijah restored order with the bang of his gavel.

“Lilith!” Metatron exclaimed and pointed at Eligor. “You were a subject of the Demon Queen, the betrayer of Adam and the first succubus?”

“I was,” the knight sighed.

“Does this mean Jacob Ralston has allied himself with the Demon Queen?” he asked, somewhat surprised at his own findings.

“No,” Eligor explained. “Though they shared a mutual interest in killing Azazel, I acted on my own accord.”

“No further questions, your honor,” Metatron said as he headed back to his table.

Eligor stood up, and one of the armed SWAT officers led her back to her seat.

“Now, if the defense has no further witnesses to--”

“We do, your honor,” I cut the judge off as I stood to my feet. “Two more, actually.”

I shot Metatron a knowing glare, and the smug look on his face melted real fucking quick.

“Todd,” I asked my lawyer, “introduce the court to Cupiditas.”

Chapter 7

I rolled up my sleeve, pressed down on the tattoo of black angel wings on my arm, and the image was outlined with a white light. A pale glow illuminated the already bright room as a beam shot out of my arm and struck the center of the courtroom.

Soon, the white blob morphed itself into the figure of a fit blonde succubus. Cupiditas to the rescue.

“Your honor,” Todd said snarkily, “I’d like to call Cupiditas to the stand.”

“Objection!” Metatron howled. “Succubi aren’t allowed in--”

“Overruled,” Elijah shot back. “The Treatise of Milan clearly states demons may enter Heaven for trials related to interdimensional law. Please continue.”

The blonde succubus looked around with confusion on her face, and then her expression contorted into a look of utter terror when she realized where she was. However, Cupi was a tough cookie. She took a deep gulp, straightened her posture, and then followed the uniformed officer up to the stand. The succubus swore herself in and then stated her name into the trumpet for the jury.

“I really, really hope she brought that thing I asked her to,” Todd giggled from beside me.

“When did you ask her about--”

“Before we left for the Sixth Circle, bro,” the imp cut me off. “I told her to go gather up some evidence just in case this whole trial thing blew up. You’re totally gonna love it.”

Those were famous last words.

Todd sauntered up to the floor and cracked his knuckles gleefully.

“So, Cupi … ” he started. “Tell me all about you and Jakey’s relationship. Without going into any of the really dirty stuff, though. Nobody in this room wants to hear that shit.”

“I was Jacob’s second succubus,” Cupi explained. “I was summoned on the same night as Libidine, and I knew right off the bat Jacob was something else.”

“And not just because of his genitallis penilis?” Todd interjected.

“I don’t think that’s a real word,” she chuckled. “But no. The minute Libidine and I said we wanted to stay on Earth Realm, Jacob made it his priority to figure out how to make that happen. He freed us because he truly cares about those who are less fortunate than him, and he’s one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. The idea that he’s plotting some dark and evil scheme is, pardon my French, bullshit.”

“Language, Cupiditas,” Elijah warned.

“So, Jakey isn’t violent and murdery?” Todd pressed on. “He’s not a mean green mother from outer space?”

“No way,” the blonde sighed. “Jacob Ralston wouldn’t harm a fly. Unless, of course, that fly was constantly trying to kill him like Azazel was.”

“I’m glad you brought that up, Cupi,” the imp proclaimed. “May I present to you all, Exhibit D. Show ‘em.”

Cupiditas reached into the satchel bag on the floor beside her, fumbled around for a bit, and then produced a shriveled, red and gray object. She tossed it onto the floor of the court, and the entire room gasped.

This thing had obviously been alive at one point, as its red skin was faded and full of holes from where maggots had chewed through. There were two black stumps where it looked like there had once been horns, and a shriveled tongue hung out of its mouth.

It was Azazel’s rotted head.

“Haha!” Raphael exclaimed as he stood up and clapped his hands together. “Who’s the ‘lame-ass cock sucker’ now, huh?”

“Order!” the judge screamed. “Bailiff, please take this evidence back to the evidence room and label it properly.”

The SWAT officer grabbed the head and then rushed through the back door and out of sight.

“Now, Cupi … ” Todd continued as if nothing had happened. “Would you please tell everyone why you were after Azazel in the first place? Perhaps with that other piece of evidence.”

“Objection!” Metatron hissed. “He’s clearly leading the witness!”

“You know the law, Metatron,” Judge Elijah answered. “Evidence can be presented in the Divine Court at any point during the trial. Continue.”

“Thank you, Your Honor,” Cupi said with a nod, and then she reached down into her sachel and pulled out an old book. “This is the book we found in the Chapel of the Trinity. It has a massive list of demons who have been living on Earth Realm in disguise, polluting the minds of the mortals. When we first met with Raphael, he told us the Exalted One wished for us to work as his agent and exterminate all of these demons.”

“And?” Todd prodded. “Did you?”

“We did,” Cupi shot back. “With the help of Jacob’s followers, we eliminated every single demon on this list.”

“Speaking of followers,” the imp continued. “Would you say the Cult of Ralston is a violent cult?”

Cupi looked at Todd like he was an idiot before she burst into a fit of laughter.

“Not at all,” she guffawed. “Ever since Jacob took over, they mostly stick to doing the more tame stuff, like their midnight orgies or ping-pong parties. In fact, Jacob forbid them from doing any blood rituals or sacrifices or anything of that sort.”

“And what about Raphael over there?” Todd finished off his interrogation. “Was he a co-conspirator in Jacob’s rise to power and his journey to Hell to kill Azazel?”

“Not at all,” Cupi shot back. “We actually encountered Raphael before we entered the Porta ad Inferos, but we lied through our teeth to convince him we were just out for a leisurely stroll. He fell for it hook, line, and sinker, like he usually does.”

“She doesn’t have to be so rude about it,” Raphael mumbled to me under his breath.

“The Toddster rests.” Todd slapped his hand on the podium and then returned to his seat.

Now it was Metatron’s turn, and I could tell he was becoming frazzled. The Archangel adjusted his golden tie flusteredly before he pushed his chair out, stood up, and sauntered up to the witness stand. He then leaned forward and placed his crossed arms on the edge of the podium.

“Hello, Cupiditas,” Metatron said in a fake happy tone. “So nice of you to join us today. Now, much like Eligor, you were one of us once, right? And then you fell?”

“Unfortunately,” Cupi grumbled.

“My first question for you, Cupiditas, is this,” the Archangel continued, “why did you fall?”

“Do I really have to say it for the record?” the blonde succubus sighed. “I’m a succubus now. It shouldn’t take a rocket scientist to put two and two together.”

“Please, Cupiditas,” he pleaded. “For the jury.”

Cupi’s eyes narrowed, and then she took a deep breath.

“I was tired of playing the role of the ‘goody two-shoes,’” she explained. “Plus, I liked sex. Like, a lot. I really don’t see how this relates to anything--”

“And what is your role now, if you may?” Metatron asked slimily. “For thousands of years you were a demonic succubus who turned her back on the Divine, but now you’d have us believe you are behind our mission?”

“I never said I was,” Cupi admitted. “But Jacob is, and I’m … very fond of him. I will follow him through whatever mission he chooses.”

“Has King Ralston ever instructed you to commit a violent crime or to punish those that disrespect him?”

“Never,” the fit succubus scoffed. “My king would never be that cruel.”

“I’m going to ask you again, Cupiditas,” Metatron continued. “What is your current role in Jacob’s … band of slaves? Is that what he calls you?”

“We’re his teammates,” the succubus shot back. “He treats us as equals, not as his playthings! Currently, I am his head general.”

A clever smile spread up Metatron’s face, and the guy looked like he was seconds away from declaring “gotcha!”

“General, eh?” he chuckled. “If Jacob is such a benevolent ruler, as you and Eligor claim he is, then why does he need a general? That implies he has an army to lead.”

“Have you been to Hell lately, Metatron?” Cupi spat. “Everybody down there wants to see your head on a pike. Jacob has it even worse since he’s a mortal, and many of the other Demon Kings don’t believe he ‘deserves’ to be on their level. Are you familiar with Beelzebub, Metatron? Or what about Baphomet? I know you’ve clashed with him many times through the years. Many times that ended up in a loss for you.”

“I’m doing the questioning here, Cupiditas,” Metatron growled. “Why does Jacob need an army, and why has he allied himself with other Demon Kings and Demon Lords?”

“Because those two have already agreed to form an alliance to kill Jacob and take the Fourth Circle,” the blonde explained. “You’d want as many allies as you could get if you knew two of the most powerful Demon Kings were coming after you.”

Metatron shook his head in frustration and then turned to address the jury.

“I don’t know about you, ladies and gentlemen,” he laughed, “but there appears to be a very obvious solution to this whole predicament. Why doesn’t Jacob just abandon the Fourth Circle and return to his place in Earth Realm? Then he wouldn’t have to worry about Beelzebub or Baphomet or anything in that God-forsaken place. This entire trial may not have been necessary had he simply killed Azazel, renounced his claim, and returned to Earth. Sure, you all would have gotten a slap on the wrist for killing an Archangel and crossing interdimensional borders without authorization, but nothing quite as severe as what you’re looking at right now.”

White-hot rage burned in the pit of my stomach, so I clenched my fists and pursed my lips to keep myself from speaking out of turn.

Abandon the Fourth Circle? I killed Azazel. That made it “my place” to sit upon the throne and rule over the domain’s subjects. Who did this asshole think he was?

“I’m not a mind reader,” Cupi hissed through gritted teeth. “You’ll have to ask him that one yourself.”

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” Metatron announced, “I believe the reason Jacob Ralston refuses to denounce his throne is that this was his plan all along. He’s spent the last few years gaining a following on Earth and powering himself up via succubi. Then he goes down to Hell, kills a Demon King, and takes his throne? This was all premeditated.”

“That’s a lie, and you know it!” Cupi spat, and Judge Elijah banged his gavel to calm her down. “We went down to Hell so we could save my sister. Killing the Father of Warfare was just an added bonus, and Jacob was extremely reluctant to take the throne. For awhile there, it looked like our chances of escape were slim to none. He did what anyone would have done in our circumstances.”

“You keep talking about this ‘rescue mission,’” Metatron chuckled, “but I believe it’s all just a decoy. An elaborate alibi that explains why you were so desperate to go down to Hell in the first place.”

“What more proof do you need?” I growled as I stood up in a fluster. “You can’t possibly think everybody on this jury is that dense.”

“Sit down, Mr. Ralston,” Elijah ordered. “You will have your turn to speak, if you wish.”

“Uh, what my client here is saying,” Todd interjected and patted me on the back, “is that you want the truth, but you can’t handle the truth.”

“The imp is right,” Metatron pleaded with the jury once more, “all I want here is the truth, but I don’t think we’re getting it. No further questions, your honor. Now, may we call up our first--”

“I have one more witness!” I protested.

“What, another succubus?” Metatron mocked. “How long are we going to go around in circles, Mr. Ralston.”

I pressed the angel wing tattoo on my arm, and Cupiditas was instantly surrounded by glowing white light. She disappeared from the witness stand, sent back to whatever she was doing in Hell before I called upon her.

Then I moved down to my arm and placed a finger on the image of the black-and-pink plaid heart. White light erupted from the tattoo, and the figure of a short, curvy woman appeared in the witness stand.

She had on a black beanie hat over her equally black hair, and a set of pink skullcandy headphones were pulled down over her ears. Invidia was wearing a white All-American Rejects t-shirt as she bobbed her head to the tunes with her mascara-clad eyes tightly shut. Finally, she opened up her eyes and slowly began to take in her surroundings.

“What the fuck?” she demanded as she tugged off her headphones. “It was just getting to the acapella solo part!”

“Please refrain from using such language in the Divine Court,” Judge Elijah warned.

Invidia sat back in the chair and crossed her arms sassily.

“Ohhh, so that’s what all the white’s about,” she groaned. “And here I thought I was in my own personal Hell.”

“Just ask her about the rescue mission,” I whispered to Todd.

The imp shot me a salute before he headed over to the stand.

Metatron rolled his eyes and returned to his table.

“I’ll make this quick, Elvira,” Todd promised. “Then you can get back to making your ‘life is bullshit’ playlist on Myspace or whatever it was you were doing.”

“Nobody uses Myspace anymore, Todd,” the gothic succubus sighed. “We all use Tumblr now, geez.”

“I stand corrected,” the imp admitted. “Now, why did Jacob Ralston come down to Hell?”

“To save me or whatever,” Vidia said with a huff. “Azazel decided to be Mr. Crabby Pants and locked me in a cage, and then Jacob and my sisters rescued me.”

“And do you think Jacob is a benevolent ruler?” Todd continued.

“Sure, whatever,” Invidia mumbled. “I mean, he let me out of the cage and killed my abusive master, so that was pretty cool and all. And he lets me sit around in my room all day doodling in my journal and listening to my deep music. And when I’m horny, he fucks me with that big—”

“Language!” The judge shouted as he slammed his gavel down.”

“—cock of his,” Invidia finished as she glared at the judge. “I dunno what ‘benevolent’ means, but I’d say he’s pretty dope.”

“What about Raphael?” the imp asked his final question. “Did he have anything to do with this?”

“Who the fuck is Raphael?” the gothic succubus asked. “The artist? Why would he have anything to do with this?”

“No,” Todd chuckled, “not the artist, the—”

“The Ninja Turtle?” Invidia asked. “He’s the angry rude one. He’s my favorite.”

Todd turned to the jury, brushed his hands together with satisfaction, and grinned.

“I rest my case, Your Honor,” he giggled as he returned to his seat.

“Would the prosecution like to cross-examine the witness?” Judge Elijah asked.

“I would not, your honor,” Metatron admitted. “She’s only going to reiterate what she’s already said. I would much prefer if we could just move on to the prosecution’s witnesses.”

“Thank you, Invidia,” the judge said as he nodded to the succubus. “You may be … returned?”

I tapped the heart tattoo on my arm, and the gothic woman returned to her lair with a flash of white magic.

Next, Metatron walked to the front of the room and began to pace back and forth with his hands behind his back.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” he began, “the defense has given us plenty of witnesses today. However, do you trust quantity, or quality? Each one of them has been a demon, a fallen angel, a succubus, or a mixture of the three. Why should we trust their words? Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering, ‘how could we possibly guarantee a witness is telling the truth? Who in this modern-day society is pure enough to still care about truth, justice, and the Divine way?’”

“This guy’s so far up his own ass, I think he can taste his last meal,” Todd grumbled.

“I do not like where this is going,” Raphael warned.

“There is one man in this room who took a vow,” Metatron explained. “He took a vow that he would always be pure of heart and always defend the word of the Exalted One until the end of time. I am talking, of course, about my first witness. Raphael, please come up here.”

“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” Todd reminded him. “That was like, a huge plot point on the episode of JAG I saw forever ago.”

“No, Todd,” Raph retorted. “I’m going to testify. Metatron is right. I took a vow to uphold the word of the Exalted One, and now I must set the record straight.”

The Archangel, still in his blue Hawaiaan shirt and khaki chino shorts, headed over to the witness stand. He was sworn in swiftly, and then he plopped down in the seat and placed his hands delicately on his lap.

“So, old friend,” Metatron began, “I want to first ask you about your involvement with Jacob Ralston and his friends. When did you meet them, and what is the nature of your relationship?”

“Certainly not homosexual, if that’s what you’re asking,” Raph scoffed.

“I’m so proud,” Todd whispered to me with a fake sniffle.

“That’s not at all what I’m asking,” Metatron tried again. “What is your professional relationship to Jacob Ralston? Remember, Raphael, you are under oath.”

“I met Jacob three years ago, when he and his friends were under assault by Azazel and his minions at the Chapel of the Trinity,” the dark-haired Archangel reminisced. “Since then, I have been the official liaison between Heaven and Jacob in his demon-slaying missions. However, I must confess that, over time, the two of us have become good friends.”

The words nearly floored me. I knew Raph had come around to our antics, but I always just figured the Archangel considered us to be colleagues and nothing more.

“So, you admit there would be motive for assisting Jacob’s takeover of the Fourth Circle?” Metatron hissed.

“Come on, your honor!” Todd exclaimed. “That’s totally a leading question.”

“Agreed,” Elijah grumbled. “Metatron, this is your second warning.”

“I’m sorry,” the Archangel said in a fluster. “I’ll just be blunt with you, Raphael. Did you or did you not know Jacob was planning on taking over as a Demon King?”

“I didn’t,” Raph shot back. “In fact, when I didn’t hear from Jacob or Todd or Sia for all those months, I feared they’d been killed.”

“So, you didn’t conspire with Jacob Ralston to overthrow Azazel and install him as a despot?” the other Archangel questioned.

“I would never even consider it!” the dark-haired man grumbled through gritted teeth.

“Moving on to another topic,” Metatron continued, “what are your thoughts on the Cult of Ralston? Do you think they would be capable of committing heinous acts of violence against their fellow man?”

“A little old lady from the nursing home is fully ‘capable’ of committing violent acts,” Raphael snorted. “What kind of a question is that?”

“Just answer it, Raph,” the blond prosecutor sighed.

“Of course they are capable,” the witness explained, “but I don’t believe they would do it. Between Superbia’s management prowess and the respect they show for Jacob, they would never step out of line.”

“But don’t you admit there is something a bit … off about some of his cultists?” Metatron prodded.

“They are somewhat eccentric, yes,” Raph admitted, “but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

“Would you say they are clever?”

“Sure.”

“Cunning?” Metatron asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I don’t see where--”

“Please answer the question, Raphael.”

“Yes, Oliver can be cunning at times,” Raph sighed.

“Excellent,” Metatron said as he clapped his hands together. “Now, while I have you on the witness stand, I want to ask you one last thing. About an incident that happened a year ago, involving our brother, Uriel.”

“Fire away,” Raph growled. “Uriel was a traitor to the Exalted One, and I regret nothing about that situation.”

“I understand that,” the blond man agreed. “Uriel partnered with Beelzebub to create The Army of the Dejected, two completely unforgivable sins. But his guilt isn’t what’s in question. I wanted to ask you, why did you kill him? Should he not have been brought to trial?”

“Neither of us wanted to kill Uriel,” Raph admitted. “However, he tried to surprise-attack Jacob, and he was killed in self-defense.”

“Wait … ” Metatron gasped. “Jacob killed Uriel? A... Mortal killed an Archangel?”

“I … I thought that was already known,” the dark-haired said with a slight cringe.

“We all assumed you did it,” Metatron said in disbelief. “Only an Archangel is powerful enough to take out an Archangel. And even then, it’s never happened before.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Raphael shrugged. “Jacob killed Uriel in self-defense using his ‘God Bomb.’”

Whispers arose in the audience behind me, and I could feel the tide start to turn in our favor.

“I-I … the prosecution rests, Your Honor,” Metatron sputtered as he ran his hand through his hair in shock.

“Would you like to ask any questions?” Judge Elijah asked Todd, but the imp simply shook his head.

“We want to move on, Your Honor,” Todd explained. “Get to the good stuff.”

Metatron still looked shell-shocked, but he tried to recompose himself as Raphael sauntered back to his seat.

“Our next witness is a man named Trent Hopkins,” the Archangel announced.

“Who the fuck is that?” Todd asked aloud.

Raphael and I just looked at the imp and shrugged. I’d never heard that name before in my life. Why the hell was he one of the witnesses?

From the front of the audience, a short, portly man stood up and headed toward the witness stand. He wore a small soul patch on his chin, a perfect compliment to his short brown hair, and he was wearing a white robe. What really gave him away, however, was the way his body glowed a light blue aura as if it were a hologram.

He was a Shade. A spirit of a deceased mortal who had crossed over.

Once the man was seated and sworn in, Metatron approached the stand.

“Please state your name, and tell the ladies and gentlemen of the jury your story,” he implored.

The man looked around at his surroundings, almost as if he couldn’t believe where he was.

“My name is Trent Hopkins,” the man said in a trance-like state. “I used to be a marketing consultant in Denver, but then … well, just look at me. Now I’m not really sure what I am. Some sort of angel? A ghost? I don’t know, I only died a few days ago.”

“You’re an Ascended Soul,” Metatron said sadly. “One of the Exalted One’s chosen, destined for eternal life.”

“Yeah,” Trent sighed, “what this guy said.”

“Tell us, Trent,” the Archangel continued, “how did you die?”

My blood ran cold as I realized what was going on.

“Well … ” the Ascended Soul answered, “a few days ago I was on my way home from work like any other day. But when I got to my apartment, I noticed my door had been forced open. Thankfully, I’m a concealed carry guy, so I whipped out my pistol and went inside. There was a small group of people in the living room, all standing in a circle and wearing robes.”

“What color were the robes, Mr. Hopkins?” Metatron asked.

“I dunno … ” he admitted. “Dark blue, I think. Anyway, they all drew knives on me, so I started to pump ‘em full of lead. I took down one of them, but then the next thing I know, my gun was yanked out of my hand. They started chanting some sorta foreign language as they pinned me to the ground and--and … ”

Metatron put his hand on the Soul’s shoulder.

“It’s alright, Mr. Hopkins,” he promised, “you’re in eternal paradise now. Please continue when you’re ready.”

The man took a second to compose himself, and then he took a deep breath.

“I’m good,” he sighed. “They pinned me to the ground, and the next thing I knew, they were stabbing me to death while they laughed like maniacs. That was the last thing I remember before my world went black and I appeared in front of the Pearly Gates.”

“Thank you, Mr. Hopkins,” Metatron said with genuine sadness in his voice. “Now, would the bailiff please bring out Exhibit A?”

One of the men in the white SWAT uniforms snapped his fingers, and then the room was filled with the sound of rusted bearings squealing across the sleek marble floor.

I glanced over to see a man pushing out a large vertical cart with an old-school box TV strapped to the top. On the shelf just underneath the television was a massive black box with “play,” “stop,” and “rewind” buttons. At first I thought it was a VCR, but then I realized it was way too wide for that.

Metatron walked over in front of the cart, reached to the bottom shelf, and produced a large, flat square of cardboard.

“I hold here in my hand,” he explained, “here on this laserdisc, irrefutable proof that Jacob Ralston’s cultists have been slandering the Exalted One’s name during violent, murderous rampages.”

The Archangel clicked a button, and a massive disc holder slid from the machine. Metatron pulled out a disc from the sleeve nearly double the size of his head and placed it delicately in the slot.

The machine pulled it back in before it started to make a loud, ear-grating hum. The sound continued for a few seconds, but nothing happened.

“Uh, hold on,” Metatron sighed and opened the player. “Sometimes these things get a scratch or two, and the whole thing goes haywire.”

He breathed onto the disc, wiped it with his sleeve, and then put it back in the machine. This time, the screen popped to life with what appeared to be security footage.

“This was taken this morning, at a gas station just outside of Denver,” the blond man explained.

There was a man standing behind the counter of the convenience store, just minding his own business and twiddling on his phone. Then six people wearing navy blue robes appeared on the screen, all brandishing knives. The teller reached down to grab his gun, but then he was suddenly thrown back against the wall with a blast of red Hellfire. As he laid there on the ground, writhing in pain at the third-degree burns on his chest, one of the cultists walked around the counter, picked him up by his hair, and slit his throat. Crimson blood sprayed out of the man’s jugular and onto the floor in front of him, and his body twitched disturbingly as the life drained from his eyes.

The rest of the cultists came around to meet their brother, and then they began to dip their hands in their victim’s blood. They all walked with a near-floating gait over to the wall of the store, then the group used the man’s blood to write a message on the wall. They must have had lots of practice, because they were finished in minutes. Once they all stepped away, the entire courtroom gasped.

All sinners must perish in the name of the Exalted One and his one true herald, Jacob Ralston.

Metatron paused the video and stepped back onto the floor.

“Were these the men who killed you, Mr. Hopkins?” he asked.

Trent’s eyes were wide with terror, but he managed to give the Archangel a grim nod.

Metatron whistled, and the bailiff brought over another piece of evidence, a small broken dagger.

It was my fucking goat-headed dagger.

“Where did you get that?” I demanded.

Judge Elijah shot me a glare and raised his gavel, but Metatron held up a hand to stop him.

“I had Cael steal it off you when you were brawling,” he said smugly. “You didn’t think I’d send my best warrior into the fray without a plan, did you?”

This guy was fucking good.

“I don’t think that bodes well for our case, Jakey,” Todd whispered.

“Ya think?” I hissed with frustration.

“Mr. Hopkins, was this the weapon that killed you?” Metatron asked. “Or at least, a weapon that looked similar?”

“That’s--That’s the one!” Trent gasped. “They were all holding daggers with animal heads on ‘em, just like that.”

“The prosecution rests, your honor,” Metatron said cockily.

“Todd, you think you can get this guy to clear our name?” I asked my legal counsel.

The imp just shrugged.

“I dunno, bro,” he admitted, “but I’m sure as fuck gonna try. That’s what besties do, we--”

A deafening trumpet blared across the courtroom, and everyone stood.

“Wait, what’s going on?” I questioned aloud.

“This concludes our trial for the day,” Judge Elijah announced. “We will reconvene tomorrow at ten o’clock sharp and pick up right where we left off.”

“Hold on!” I growled. “I don’t even get to testify? How’s that fair?”

“You will get to testify tomorrow, should you so desire,” the Judge explained.

“But that gives all of the jury a full day to stew over what they just saw!” I argued. “I don’t even get to respond? That’s not fair in the slightest.”

“Mr. Ralston!” Judge Elijah’s voice was now booming. “Sit down, or I will have the bailiffs escort you to a holding cell. A real holding cell.”

“Over my fucking dead body,” I growled, and sparks of red Hellfire danced from my fingertips.

“Bro, chill out,” Todd whispered. “This is totally a win for us.”

“I’m with Todd,” Raphael agreed. “Violence won’t do anything to help our case.”

“Easy for you to say,” I grumbled as I tried to calm myself down. “You’ve come out so far looking like a Saint.”

“A foolish Saint, apparently,” the Archangel chuckled.

Two armored SWAT officers walked over to us and motioned for us to follow.

Todd, Raph, and I turned to leave, and I noticed a familiar head of red hair in the audience.

It was Ariel, the angel from earlier.

Eligor walked up to us and let out a deep sigh.

“Well, that could have gone much better,” she admitted.

“What are you talking about?” Todd scoffed. “Y’all slayed it up there on the stand.”

“Until that last guy got up there,” I argued. “That may have turned the whole trial in Metatron’s favor.”

“Why are your cultists killing people?” Raph pondered. “And claiming it’s in the name of the Exalted One? It makes no sense.”

“It doesn’t,” I agreed. “That’s why I think I’m being framed.”

“Beelzebub?” the Archangel asked.

“Who else?” I shot back. “This has his fingerprints all over it.”

The SWAT officers led us to a nearby elevator, allowed us to enter, and then pressed a button.

“This will take you directly to your room,” the officer explained. “Go straight there, and do not try to leave. If you do, we’re authorized to come after you with lethal force.”

The four of us stepped onto the elevator and then watched the metal doors close behind us.

“But how do we prove our innocence?” Raph continued our earlier conversation. “Especially when we’re going to be confined to a … one-star resort for the next twenty-four hours.”

“We can’t,” Eligor said proudly, “but that’s why we’re not going to stay in the hotel.”

“What do you mean?” Raphael gasped. “You’re not suggesting--”

“Take this,” the knight continued and shoved a piece of paper into my hand. “It’s from the sexy redhead we met earlier.”

I raised my eyebrow as I opened up the small piece of paper. Ariel had scribbled a few sentences onto the parchment with a blue pen, and her writing was somewhat hard to read. I held it up to the light, squinted, and then the words became clearer.

This is a total hack job. There’s no way for you to win this case, so we need to find a plan b. Hold tight in your room for a bit, I’m coming to get you.

We’re getting out of this place.

Chapter 8

“A jailbreak, bro,” Todd whistled. “I dig it.”

“We don’t need to be ‘jailbroken,’” Raphael whispered as the chrome doors of the elevator pinged. “That would only make us look more guilty, and I believe justice will prevail in this situation.”

“Easy for you to say,” I shot back. “They’ve got absolutely nothing on you. Meanwhile, I’ve got a bunch of fuckers out there pretending to be my cultists and killing people in my name. And they’ve got it on video.”

“And they have a witness,” Todd added. “I gotta admit, Jakey, as you legal counsel, I think this case is going south really quickly.”

The doors opened in front of us, and we were greeted with a large room with a light brown carpet and yellow walls. The ceilings were nearly ten-feet tall with a “popcorn” texture to them, and there was a half-circle light in the center of every room. A small flatscreen sat on a light brown dresser immediately next to a two-foot table with a coffee maker and a few wrapped plastic cups. Two full-sized beds sat across from the TV, and right beside it sat a black leather couch. All the way across the room was a sliding glass door that led to a balcony overlooking the beach and the crisp, blue waves of the ocean.

“What a dump,” Raphael scoffed as we stepped off the elevator. “I bet they don’t even have a cable package with the public news channel.”

“Probably not,” I sighed. “But I’d still say this is pretty nice for a holding cell.”

“This is by far the nicest place I’ve ever stayed in,” Eligor admitted. “Aside from your castle and mansion, of course.”

“Looks can be deceiving,” Raphael warned as he headed off toward the bathroom. “Watch.”

The Archangel disappeared into the other room, and then Todd hopped up onto one of the beds and laid back with his hands behind his head.

“I wonder what Little Mermaid is planning,” Todd mused. “Is she gonna go all Rambo up on those guards and bust us out? Or is she gonna put on some sorta skimpy maid outfit, pretend to be room service, and then slip us out through the back door?”

“You really need to find a better nickname for Ariel,” I chuckled.

“Maybe once we get to know her better,” the imp admitted. “Ohhhhh, maybe she’s going to rappel down onto the balcony from the rooftop, and then take us up to the roof where she has a chopper waiting?”

“She’s an angel, Todd,” I laughed. “She could just fly down here and grab us.”

“That’s not how the mind of an angel works,” Eligor corrected. “Most members of my former race are more like Raphael, always trying to one-up each other or go above and beyond in everything they do.”

“Fucking overachievers,” Todd gagged.

“Aha!” the Archangel’s voice called out from the bathroom. “They only gave us miniature bottles of generic shampoo! I told you this place was terrible.”

“Anyways,” Eligor continued with a roll of her eyes, “whatever Ariel is planning, it’s going to be over-the-top and convoluted.”

“I just hope it doesn’t involve cardio,” Todd sighed and closed his eyes. “That chick’s insane with her workout shit, and the Toddster doesn’t do anything that gets his heart rate over one-hundred beats per minute.”

“Isn’t that just a resting heart rate?” Eligor asked rhetorically.

“Bingo,” Todd said as he clicked his tongue and shot finger guns at the knight.

“I still think this is a terrible idea,” Raphael argued as he stepped back into the main room. “We still have half of a trial to go. That gives us plenty of time to clear your name.”

“Not if we’re stuck here in this room the whole time,” I argued. “Meanwhile, Beelzebub is probably having more of his cultists out there killing people and slandering my name as we speak.”

“Justice will prevail,” the dark-haired man said as his eyes narrowed.

“I don’t know how it works up here in Heaven,” I retorted, “but down on Earth this whole trial would be seen as a set-up. I mean fuck, they didn’t even tell us all of the charges we were being brought in on! How the hell were we supposed to prepare for that? And then the video evidence? Even if I get up there on the stand tomorrow and give the biggest, most moving speech ever written, most of the angels on the jury are going to side with their brethren. Why would they trust me? To them, I’m nothing but a mortal who got too big for his britches and ‘cheated’ my way through the demon underworld to become a Demon King.”

“You didn’t cheat,” Eligor protested. “From what your succubi have told me, you earned every single thing you currently have.”

“I agree with the knight,” Raph said with a nod. “You are much more than a simple Demon King, Jacob. You are a highly valuable asset to the Divine, as well as a good man. You just need to make the jury see that.”

“How?” I growled. “They’re going to see what they want to see anyways, and right now that’s a violent Demon King whose followers are unhinged and violent. Without actual proof of the contrary, we can’t win this one.”

“And how do you propose we get proof?” Raph questioned.

“By busting out of here, returning to Earth, and then getting one of those bastards to confess,” I explained. “And then maybe I can do my whole monologue bullshit.”

“It’d also look pretty good if you broke outta here and then came back later to finish your trial of your own free will … ” Todd mused.

“But what if this doesn’t work?” Raphael continued to beg. “If we break out of here and then don’t find whoever is causing this commotion, it will solidify you as guilty.”

“It won’t be hard to find these people,” I said with a shrug. “I’ve got eyes and ears all throughout the southwest.”

“If this really is Beelzebub we’re dealing with,” the Archangel continued, “then you need to be on your A-game. He’s not a mindless brute like Azazel or Baphomet. The King of the Eighth Circle is much more devious and crafty. He’s likely been monitoring our situation and probably has Plans B, C, and D all figured out and ready to go. I wouldn’t be surprised if he expected you to break out of Heaven and instructed his cultists to hold off on their attacks just to make you look even more guilty.”

“That’s a risk we’re going to have to take,” I admitted. “This is literally one of those ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ situations.”

“I’d much rather use the route that doesn’t look as damning, though,” the Archangel sighed.

“Look, Raph,” I explained, “you can stay, or you can go. But I’m going, and I’m sure Todd and Eligor are coming along. That’s your choice, and I won’t force you to do anything. In fact, it’d probably be better for you to stay behind anyway. It’ll further prove your innocence.”

I turned away from the Archangel and walked over to the glass patio door. Then I let out a deep sigh as I stared off into the crystal blue waves of paradise, soaking in the hypnotic sound of each one as they sloshed onto the shore.

I couldn’t be mad at Raphael. He was an Archangel, and his good name was currently being dragged through the mud thanks to my actions. He was completely innocent, and the last thing I wanted to do was implicate him in some massive conspiracy against the Divine.

“Jacob, wait … ” Raphael spoke up from the doorway. “I … I’ll go with you.”

“You will?” I asked curiously and spun around to look at the Archangel. “But what about ‘looking innocent’ and all that?”

The dark-haired man crossed his arms across his chest.

“Don’t mistake my gesture, Jacob,” he explained. “I still think running is a bad idea. But I believe in you, my friend. Just like you’ve believed in me before. If you think that’s the right move, I will follow you for better or for worse.”

“In sickness and in health?” Todd snickered.

“Why yes,” the Archangel explained, “in sickness and in health.”

“For richer or poorer?” the imp could barely contain his laughter at this point.

“Todd’s an ordained minister,” I jumped in before Raph could answer. “He’s just leading you on with a bit so he can say we’re ‘legally married.’ It’s a prank he loves to play on people. Me and my ex-girlfriend found that out the hard way.”

“Hey!” Todd argued. “I made sure you got the Playstation in your divorce proceedings.”

“Oh yes,” I laughed. “How could I possibly forget that?”

“An ordained minister?” Raph gasped. “I didn’t take you as the religious type, Todd. In fact, I figured you’d be aligned with the Church of Satan.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean, bro?” Todd demanded. “Just because I’ve got red skin, hooves, and horns, I’m supposed to worship Satan? That’s racism, and I figured Archangels would be way more forward-thinking, but I guess I was wrong.”

“I- uh, that’s definitely not what I was--” Raph muttered as his face turned red.

Suddenly, Todd began to cackle. He rolled over onto his stomach and slammed his fists and feet into the mattress as his laughter filled the room.

“I’m just fucking with you, bro,” Todd admitted. “I’m a Scientologist.”

“Oh, that’s uh- quite an interesting religion,” Raphael began. “Some of my closest mortal colleagues are, uh … ”

“Still fucking with ya,” Todd snickered. “But in all seriousness, I did take the test on holeymatrimony.com, so I can totally marry people if I want to. There was that time--”

Todd’s story was cut off by the dinging of the elevator, and Eligor, Raph, and I whipped around to see who was coming.

The doors slowly opened, and there stood Ariel. The angel had her hair pulled back in a messy bun, and she was wearing a pair of white and blue yoga pants with a black tank-top. Most importantly, however, was the pristine white apron tied to her body. She stood behind a small gray cart filled with all sorts of cleaning supplies.

“Ha!” Todd exclaimed. “I told you she was gonna do the maid thing. You all owe me twenty bucks.”

“We never bet on anything,” Eligor sighed and then turned her attention back to the redhead. “Brilliant plan, Ariel.”

“It’s really nothing,” the angel explained as she pushed the cart into the room. “I just snuck into the staff room, snagged an apron and a cart, took it down to the armory and then to the evidence room, filled it with everything we might need, and then told the guards I was headed up to clean the cells.”

“Wait,” I said curiously, “how did you get into the evidence room dressed like a maid?”

“Claimed I got a call from some officer that there was a spill that needed cleaning,” she said with a shrug.

“And they didn’t question the outfit?” Eligor added with scepticism.

“Not at all,” Ariel admitted. “Honestly, our security here is pretty awful. Probably because we almost never have to worry about issues with the residents, considering they’re the Exalted One’s ‘chosen’ and all that jazz.”

“This place is strange,” I observed with a sigh.

“But enough chit-chat,” Ariel continued, “I brought you all some goodies!”

The fit redhead walked over to the side of the cart, bent over, and pushed a bunch of the cleaning supplies off onto the floor. She fumbled around on the bottom shelf for a second or two, and then she popped back up with a white garment in her hands.

“For you, Magnum P.I.,” Ariel joked as she tossed the outfit to Raph. “I figured this would be much more handy for our current situation.”

The Archangel held up the garment and allowed it to unfold before him. A wide smile crept up his chiseled face as recognition flashed across his eyes.

It was his SWAT uniform.

“I haven’t seen this in months!” he exclaimed, and then he turned to run off to the bathroom to change.

“What did ya bring for the rest of us?” Todd asked curiously. “Hopefully not just a few bland uniforms.”

“The rest of you are dressed pretty normally,” she noted, but then her eyes wandered over to Eligor. “Well … except for you. Here, take this.”

The redhead pulled out a white robe, similar to what all of the Archangels wore, and handed it to the knight.

“This takes me back,” Eligor laughed. “I never in a million years thought I’d be wearing one of these things again.”

“Now that we’ve got the outfits out of the way, we can move on to something a bit more exciting,” Ariel giggled.

The angel bent over once more, and I couldn’t help but marvel at her toned calves and tight ass. Finally, she popped back up holding a short sword about two and a half feet in length, with an even shorter hilt topped off with a large ball at the end.

“Is that a fucking gladius?” Todd gasped. “I call dibs!”

“I figured you’d want the shorter one,” Ariel chuckled as she handed the weapon to the imp.

“Hey now,” Todd shot back as he took a few practice swings with the sword. “It’s not the size that counts. If it can penetrate, it’s a first-rate. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.”

“I’ve got a few more weapons for--” Ariel began.

“But I never had that problem,” the imp interjected. “‘Cause my schlong’s giganto.”

The redheaded angel looked disgusted, but then she continued to dig into her armory. Next, she produced a claymore sword made of pure white steel and had several latin phrases etched into its blade.

“I want that one!” Eligor announced. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m pretty damn good with a sword.”

The knight took the Divine blade and weighed it in her hand as Ariel showed us the next weapon. It was a single-sided battle axe with a blade that curved nearly halfway down its hilt.

“Have you ever fought with a Scottish battle-axe?” the angel asked as her brown eyes locked with mine. “It’s a fairly simple weapon, but it’s very, very effective.”

“It can’t be that much different than a warhammer or a sword,” I admitted, and then I took the weapon in my grasp.

The hilt was made up of some sort of solid dark wood, and the head of the axe was composed of the same white steel that the rest of these divine weapons seemed to have. It was much lighter than I expected it to be, and I twirled it around for good measure.

“Anything else?” I asked.

“There is one more thing … ” Ariel seemed hesitant. “But it’s one of the more lethal weapons around Heaven.”

“I like the sound of that,” I shot back. “Now you have to show us.”

The angel bent over once more and came back up with a shiny golden pistol inside of a pure white holster.

“Is that what I think it is?” Todd gasped.

“It’s the Divine Desert Eagle,” Ariel said with a smile. “I know this is supposed to be a ‘non-lethal’ mission, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to snatch it from the armory. Here.”

The redhead held out the golden gun and its holster, and I plucked it from her hand delicately. I wrapped the belt of the holster around my waist, fastened it tightly, and then tossed the bottom of my shirt over it to conceal the weapon.

“I appreciate it,” I said with a grin. “It’ll come in handy when we get back to Earth.”

“Jakey’s gonna pop a cap in some cultists’ asses, aren’t ya, Jakey?” Todd couldn’t help but be giddy as he posed the question.

“Oh, it’ll do more than that,” Ariel explained. “I’ve seen the Earth version of that in action, and it looks like a pea shooter in comparison.”

“Jakey,” Todd mumbled in disbelief. “Promise me one thing.”

“What is it, Todd?” I asked.

“You gotta promise me first,” he pleaded.

“Okay fine,” I conceded. “I promise. Now, what do you want?”

“Promise me whenever you use that magnificent piece of golden death, you’ll say some sort of clever catchphrase,” he continued. “You can’t use something that badass without following up with a catchphrase.”

“Alright … ” I promised weakly. “I’ll try to say something badass when I use it.”

“What will you be using, Ariel?” Eligor questioned her angelic ally. “Surely you don’t plan on pushing forward with just your fists?”

“Of course not,” Ariel giggled. “Here, let me show you. You might wanna step back.”

We all took a step away from the redhead, and then she clenched her fists and threw out her arms violently. As she did so, four pure white daggers of energy emerged from the top of her hands and jutted out nearly six inches beyond her fingertips.

“Damn,” I gasped.

“Holy fuck, Jakey!” Todd exclaimed. “Did we just add Wolverine to our team?”

“I don’t know about that,” Ariel said coyly, “but these energy daggers have been my go-to weapon for as long as I can remember. My fighting style is much more acrobatic than most angels, and these puppies do wonders for landing quick, lethal strikes.”

Just then, Raphael came walking back out into the room. He was now clad in his pure white SWAT uniform, with his FAMAS slung over his back, a dagger at his belt, and a handful of grenades in a bandolier across his chest.

“Now this is more like it,” the Archangel mused. “I feel like myself again.”

“There’s the badass warrior Archangel we remember,” I laughed.

“So, Ariel,” Eligor asked hopefully, “what is our plan of attack?”

“First, we take out the guards,” she explained, “and then we try to be as discreet as possible as we leave the building. Once they realize we’ve escaped, they’re going to send the whole cavalry after us.”

“You say that with a little too much enthusiasm, Bub,” Todd noted.

“What can I say?” Ariel said with a shrug. “I’m always up for a good challenge.”

“Why can’t we just fly out over the balcony?” I questioned. “There’s literally nothing between us and the open sea but a couple hundred feet of beach.”

“And a bunch of armed guards,” Ariel corrected. “They might be treating you well right now, but you’re still their prisoner.”

“Fair enough,” I said with a nod. “So, we go through the building. Then what?”

“Sooner or later I’m afraid we’ll have to come to blows with some of these Divine soldiers,” the redhead explained. “We’ll never be able to outrun these soldiers on foot, so we’ll need to send somebody for a getaway vehicle. They’ll still be able to chase us through the air, but at least we might be able to stay a few paces ahead of them.”

“Uh, can’t Raphey just teleport us all down to Earth with his sparkly magic?” Todd pondered aloud.

“Not while we’re in one of the paradises,” the Archangel explained. “An angel can only perform an act of interdimensional travel once they are beyond the Pearly Gates.”

“So, we need to get back there,” I noted.

“Precisely,” Ariel continued. “There is an exit portal about ten miles down the road, where the beach comes to an end. It’s the one I use every morning when I’m jogging so I can travel to the Alps.”

“So, let’s see if I’m understanding this,” Todd began. “We hotwire some Divine vehicle, drive it to the edge of town, go to the Pearly Gates, break through them, and then have Raphey teleport us back down to Earth. All while we’re being chased by a small army of Divine soldiers?”

“That is correct,” the angel confirmed.

Todd stared at her for a second, but then he just smiled and shook his head.

“That sounds like it has the makings of a classic Todd and Jakey adventure, Little Mermaid,” he chuckled. “Let’s do it.”

“Todd,” I ordered the imp, “you’re the only one of us who can turn invisible. I’m designating you to sneak out and find our getaway car. Just try to be discreet about it, alright?”

“Jakey,” the imp sighed, “you can’t give me a badass gladius sword and tell me to be discreet. I’ll try to be all stealth-like, but I can’t promise I won’t end up stabbing a bitch.”

“Definitely no stabbing!” I shot back at the imp. “We want to try and make it look like we’re innocent, remember?”

“Even if it’s non-lethal?” Todd said with a frown.

“Even if it’s non-lethal,” I clarified.

The imp let out a sigh and hung his head in disappointment. Then he walked over to the sliding glass door, tugged it open, and turned himself invisible.

“One getaway car, coming right up, bros,” the imp’s disembodied voice said sadly. “And no bitches will be stabbed, cross my heart and hope to die.”

I heard Todd let out a small “oof,” and then there was no sign of him.

“One last thing, before we begin,” I said as I turned back to Ariel. “Why are you helping us escape? You’re literally risking life and limb right now, and for what?”

“Because, after watching your trial, I believe in you,” Ariel admitted. “Metatron is a fantastic lawyer, but it’s obvious he’s missing the big picture here. You’re being set up, and he’s falling for it hook, line, and sinker. I don’t want to see that happen. Besides, my life here isn’t that great.”

“That’s quite a bold statement,” Raph scoffed. “It’s Heaven. What’s there not to like?”

“Easy for you to say,” she shot back, “you’re an Archangel. You have all the power and fame and glory you could ever want. Me? I’m just a lowly blacksmith for the Army of the Divine. Do you know how long I’ve been trying to get a promotion? Two-thousand years! Yet there I am, hammering away at Angelglass day after day.”

“Angelglass?” I pondered aloud.

“That’s what all of the Divine’s armor and weapons are made out of,” she explained. “It’s a special metal that’s been enchanted by Divine Light so it’s more resistant to Hellfire. Speaking of which … ”

“I really don’t like the sound of that,” Eligor sighed.

“Your Hellfire magic isn’t going to work like it normally does,” the redhead continued. “It’s going to be much weaker than it is down on Earth or in Hell.”

“Great,” I sighed. “I guess Todd better find a really fucking fast car, then.”

“Look on the bright side, Jacob,” Raphael joked. “Weaker Hellfire means it can be used more often, since it’ll be non-lethal.”

“I guess you’re right,” I chuckled at the Archangel’s comments.

The four of us turned around, faced the elevator, and held our weapons at the ready.

“Alright, guys,” I commanded my friends. “Let’s blow this joint. I’ve got a name to clear.”

Chapter 9

This was it. With the help of a sexy redheaded angel, we were gonna break out of Heaven.

Even for us, this was a fucking crazy idea.

But we really didn’t have any other choice. I was currently on trial, and the public opinion had heavily shifted toward a “guilty” verdict. The only way I was going to clear my name was by going back down to Earth and getting my hands dirty in order to get a confession.

Raphael, Eligor, Ariel, and I gripped our weapons tightly as we boarded the elevator that would take us back to the first level of the building.

The first part was simple. There were two armed SWAT officers guarding the elevator doors, we needed to take them out non-lethally and as quietly as we could, and then we would have to make our way through the rest of the building.

Considering this building housed the courts of this district as well as most of its law enforcement, that was where things would get tricky.

My friends and I boarded the elevator, and then I gave them a nod as I pressed the button that would take us down.

“Remember the plan,” I reminded everybody. “We just have to get outside, and then we’ll rendezvous with Todd, and he’ll get us out of here in some sort of turbocharged sports car.”

“Are you sure it was the best idea to send the imp to be our driver?” Ariel questioned. “Can he even reach the pedals?”

“He can once he morphs into his human form,” I explained. “Don’t worry about the Toddster. He might not seem like much, but he’s saved our skin more times than I can count.”

My eyes were laser-focused on the numbers at the top of the elevator as they lit up in descending order. We were now only two floors from our destination, and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and the adrenaline beginning to course through my veins.

Finally, the “number one” circle lit up, and a loud ding sounded throughout the tiny chamber of the elevator. Then the doors opened.

There was no turning back now.

Ariel put on a massive fake smile as she stepped out of the elevator. “It was very messy up there,” she said through a sigh. “It’s like those mortals are raised in a barn.”

“Hold on,” I heard one of the soldiers growl. “Where is your--”

I wasn’t going to let him finish that sentence. I hopped out of the elevator, summoned red Hellfire into my hands, and blasted him square in the side.

The SWAT officer smashed into the nearby wall and let out a gasp as the air was knocked from his lungs.

As I stepped toward the stunned officer, I heard the sound of one of my teammates hitting the second guard. I saw my opponent reach down for his walkie-talkie, but I quickly threw up a cube of purple Hellfire over his hand so he couldn’t grip the communicator. Then I rushed over to the fucker, surrounded my own hand with the purple spell, and punched him as hard as I could in the face.

Bluish-red blood flew from his mouth, but he didn’t go down.

“Come on,” I pleaded, “don’t make me hurt you badly.”

The SWAT officer stumbled back toward me and took aim with his assault rifle.

I knocked the barrel of the gun away with my hand before I threw my foot up and drove it into the man’s stomach.

He let out a gasp as he was tossed back into the wall, and then I slugged him in the face with my glowing fist once more.

Thankfully, he went down this time.

I whipped around to see Eligor standing over the other guard, who was also out cold.

“You could have helped, you know,” she hissed at Raphael.

“I-I’m sorry,” he sighed. “Committing a potential act of treason is one thing, but actually fighting against my brothers is another. I promise I’ll act quicker next time.”

“Good,” Eligor said as she pointed her finger at the Archangel. “Because next time, it may be the difference between escape and capture.”

“More like life or death,” Ariel admitted. “Jacob and Raphael are the ones on trial. You and I are completely expendable in the eyes of the Divine.”

“Great,” the blonde knight shot back. “Even more reason to get the fuck out of here quickly.”

Raphael pulled his FAMAS from his shoulder and held it in his hands menacingly.

“I’ll act as your escort,” he explained. “If we play this right, they’ll all just think I’m a SWAT officer taking you to your next holding cell.”

“You sure about that?” Eligor sounded skeptical. “You literally have an official portrait hanging in the lobby.”

“You’d be surprised at how well I can blend in,” Raph scoffed. “Contrary to popular belief, you don’t become an Archangel just by kissing up to the Exalted One. You have to be the best of the best, and that includes being a master of espionage.”

The Archangel reached up with his left hand, untied his man bun, and let his dark locks fall down onto his shoulders. He messed his hair up with his free hand, shook his head, and then straightened his body up into a more firm posture.

“There,” he mused. “Nobody will ever recognize me now.”

“You can’t be serious,” Eligor sighed. “That’s--”

“We don’t have time to argue!” Ariel snapped. “Let’s go!”

I walked over to Raph and placed my hands behind my back as if they were bound, and then we started down the hallway.

Eligor and Ariel made sure they walked several feet in front of us to not arouse suspicion. As they made their way down the drab, seventies-style corridor, they chatted as if they were old friends who were just going out for a mid-afternoon coffee, not two deadly warriors who were committing an unforgivable sin.

We walked through the building for a few minutes, past several large, open-concept offices full of outdated technology and angels who clanked away busily at their typewriters. We had to take the long way around in order to avoid the courthouse section of the building, where we surely would have been recognized after the earlier fiasco. Finally, off in the distance, we saw the front desk where we’d first come in.

One more corner, and we were home free.

Ariel and Eligor continued to yak it up as they passed by the receptionist, and for a moment I thought all was well.

That is, until Raph and I tried to walk by.

“Hold it!” Savannah, the woman behind the desk, called out. “Don’t I know you guys?”

“You must be mistaken,” Raphael chuckled in a much higher-pitched voice than normal. “I don’t think we’ve formally met. I’m just a simple guard, trying to transfer this prisoner to his next holding cell.”

The woman behind the desk popped her gum in her mouth and raised her eyebrows.

“Uh-huh,” she mumbled. “You sure about that? It don’t say nothin’ here about no prisoner transfer.”

“I can assure you we’re legal,” Raphael joked. “I got the order from Judge Elijah himself. We’re moving him for his own safety.”

“Oh my,” Savannah gasped. “They really think he’s in danger? He musta done somethin’ really serious.”

Oh, thank fuck. She must not have watched the trial.

Maybe there was still hope for us after all.

“Maybe, maybe not,” Raphael continued. “It’s on a ‘need to know’ basis. Now, if you’ll excuse me--”

“Sorry, mister,” the woman with the wide brimmed glasses warned, “I can’t just let you walk outta this building with a wanted criminal. I’m gonna have to verify it with Metatron first.”

I glanced over and saw the exit was only a few dozen feet away. If we made a break for it right now, we could probably make it there before anyone got to us.

“I’m afraid I cannot keep waiting around out in the open,” Raphael argued. “This man is in mortal danger, and you’re making us stand around like sitting ducks?”

Savannah reached down, grabbed a corded phone, and slammed it onto the desk. She then picked up the headset, placed it between her shoulder and her ear, and began to use the rotary pad on its front.

“Sorry, mister,” she fake-apologized, “I gotta verify this.”

I tried to think of any way out of this that I possibly could. Then it hit me.

My silver Hellfire.

If I could focus it in on the inner components of the phone, maybe I could melt it from the inside and render it useless. Of course, if these things were made out of enchanted metal, nothing would happen other than me getting a splitting headache.

I closed my eyes, tucked my hand underneath my shirt so the spell was hidden, and tried to focus. I pictured the phone in Savannah’s hand, and then I tried to imagine the inner workings of the device. Images of circuit boards and wiring crossed through my mind, and then I ordered my magical spell to turn it all into a mushy pulp.

“That’s weird,” Savannah sighed. “The phone’s not workin’.”

“What a shame,” Raphael nearly gasped with relief. “Now, if you don’t mind?”

“If this comes back to bite me in the ass, I’m gonna have yer badge,” the receptionist growled.

“That’s quite alright,” Raphael chuckled as we began to head toward the exit.

Then all Hell broke loose.

The lights in the building went dark and then were immediately replaced by a flashing red glow. The shrill sound of sirens filled the air as large metal gates crashed down onto all of the doors, including the exit.

“Fucking shit,” I growled as I dropped the “prisoner” facade and summoned green Hellfire into my hands.

I tried to throw out one of my interdimensional portals, but nothing happened. Instead, dark green sparks flitted from my hands and then disappeared into thin air.

“I told you it wouldn’t be as strong up here,” Ariel sighed and summoned forth her claws. “It looks like we’re gonna have to hold them off until you find a way to get through that door.”

Eligor drew her white claymore from inside her robe and held it at the ready. Meanwhile, Raphael shelved his FAMAS and drew his oversized dagger.

A group of about twenty soldiers rounded the corner, led by Metatron in his pure white armor.

“Raphael, I’m so very disappointed,” he said with a long sigh. “Despite all the mud I dragged you through earlier, I truly thought you were innocent. I guess I was wrong.”

“You are wrong!” Raph shot back. “I am innocent, as is Jacob Ralston. We will prove it to you in due time.”

“I don’t think so,” Metatron growled. “Thanks to this little endeavor, my case is now open and shut, and I’m going to--”

Metatron’s words were suddenly cut off by a snowball-sized ball of Divine Light.

“Enough talk!” Ariel exclaimed, and then my friends all charged at our opponents.

I had to think fast if I wanted to get us out of here. I clapped my hands together, summoned red Hellfire into both of them, and then created a ball of fire nearly the size of my whole body. I launched the attack at the fortified door, but it simply bounced off as if it were made of styrofoam.

Next up was the bronze Hellfire of judgement. I aimed it at the door, and instantly the entire hallway began to shake violently as every atom in its structure was rocked to the core. However, it still remained.

I tried my silver flames, but the shrieking sound of enchanted metal against my spell nearly knocked me to my knees.

Fucking Hell.

Suddenly, a blast of Divine Light struck me from behind and sent me flying through the air. I rolled across the sickly brown carpet for a few feet before I hopped up onto my feet and drew my axe.

Metatron was currently engaged with Raphael, and the two Archangels were essentially at a stalemate. They each knew each other’s moves and techniques, and their bodies were moving in a sort of lethal dance as they blocked and parried each others’ blows.

Eligor was knocking away soldiers with the swing of her sword, and she only stopped occasionally to block an attack or two.

Meanwhile, Ariel was kicking ass like I’d never seen before. The angelic redhead sliced one of the soldiers in the arm, then she hurled her body up into the air, wrapped her legs around his neck, and twisted so her momentum threw him to the ground. As she came up, she used her claws to take out the leg of another SWAT officer.

Three of the remaining soldiers had found their way through the crowd and were headed straight toward me with their weapons drawn. The first man held a shotgun in his hand, while the second one wielded dual daggers, and the third man had both of his fists aglow with Divine Light.

The first soldier squeezed the trigger of his shotgun, but I threw up a small barrier of purple directly in front of him. There was a small fireball as the barrel of the shotgun splintered like a banana peel, and the SWAT officer was knocked down on his ass.

I swiftly ducked out of the way of a blast of Divine Light, and then I used my feet to propel myself forward and tackle the man with the knives to the ground. I felt him swing wildly at me with his blades, but I was quick to dispel each blow with a cast of purple flame. I slammed the hilt of my axe into his windpipe, and he dropped both of his weapons as he grabbed at his throat and fought for breath.

Then I whipped around and slammed the blunt side of my axe into the third soldier’s leg.

He had been charging up a blast of Divine Light, and as he collapsed to the ground, he unleashed it into a nearby door. His attack punched a basketball-sized hole in the enchanted metal, and I couldn’t help but smile.

That was it. If Hellfire didn’t work, I was just going to have to use a little Divine intervention.

I slammed the end of my axe into the fucker’s face, and he crumpled to the floor like a marionette whose strings had been cut. The final soldier was already back on his feet, and his hands fumbled for the pistol at his side.

Unfortunately for him, I was too fast.

I was pissed off, so it didn’t take much for me to call forth a massive red fireball. I unleashed it onto the SWAT officer at point-blank range, and his body caused a dent in the metal door as it slammed into it violently.

He fell to the ground, unconscious, and then I turned back to the exit.

I closed my eyes and pictured all of my friends in my head. I thought about what they meant to me, how important they were, and how much my life had changed for the better since they’d entered the picture. As the images of my succubi, Todd, Raph, and Eligor shot through my brain, I could feel a familiar power surge in my body. When I finally opened my eyes, I was floating in the air, and my entire figure was surrounded by white light.

I let out a growl of frustration as I threw back my hands, pulled them forward, and released my full power onto the metal door.

The fucking thing didn’t stand a chance. There was the screech of its hinges being yanked from the wall, and then it flew off into the distance.

“Guys,” I commanded my team. “Move!”

While my attack was still going, I spun around and aimed at the ceiling of the hallway. Chunks of metal, drywall, and plaster rained down from above to create a large barrier between me and the Divine.

Thankfully, my friends had heard my command, and they were already halfway to the door when I released my spell.

Small blasts of Divine Light and enchanted bullets were already ripping through the debris, and I knew that would only keep them preoccupied for a minute or so.

So, I whirled around and followed my friends out the door and into the light of the beautiful day.

“Where the hell is Todd?” Eligor demanded as she looked around with a bit of fluster in her voice. “Our getaway vehicle should be here by now.”

“We’ll just have to head toward the road on foot,” I ordered. “He’ll be heading this way, so we’ll just meet him out there.”

“That might be difficult,” Raphael sighed and then shot off a blast of Divine Light in the direction of the highway.

Another group of SWAT officers had come around the corner, and Raph’s attack was able to disorient them by kicking up asphalt and sand into the air around them.

“We got this,” Ariel chuckled. “You know what they say, nothing worth having comes easy.”

The redheaded angel charged at the group of soldiers just as they reoriented themselves. A swarm of bullets were fired in her direction, but Ariel was able to dodge them gracefully as if they’d been fired in slow motion. She flipped onto her open palms, tumbled forward, and then drove the heels of both of her feet into the chest of one of the soldiers. As the man went flying backward, she swiftly lashed out and sliced the tendon of a second soldier. Ariel was back on her feet before any of the SWAT officers could get a good shot at her, and then she spun around and slammed the back of her heel into another soldier’s face.

While this was going on, I unleashed a blast of red Hellfire that sent two more of the distracted soldiers onto their backs.

Eligor quickly sprouted her black angel wings, fluttered a few feet off the ground, and soared toward our enemies with her sword drawn. One of the SWAT officers tried to blast her with his shotgun, but she was as graceful as the wind. She dodged the cluster of enchanted buckshot in the air, and then she flipped her sword around so she was holding it like a club. The second the knight got within striking distance of her, she swung the weapon and struck the bastard square in the face with the wide end.

“Jacob!” Raphael gasped. “Six o’clock!”

I spun around and saw our opponents from earlier must have broken through the rubble.

Metatron’s normally cocky expression was twisted into a scowl of rage as he held his giant sword in his hand. His pristine white armor was covered with grit and grime and looked like it had been dented in a few places. The Archangel raised his Angelglass blade into the air.

“We need Ralston and Raphael alive,” he sneered. “Try to take the others if you can, but they have no value to the Exalted One. Lethal force will be tolerated in this case.”

“That was the wrong fucking thing to say, Metatron,” I growled. “Threatening me is one thing, but my friends? That warrants a fucking beatdown.”

The two soldiers on the far end of the group raised their assault rifles and unleashed a flurry of bullets at Raph and I’s ankles. The Archangel took to the sky, and I threw down a small wall of purple Hellfire to dispel the projectiles. The bullets disappeared into the flames with a hiss, and then I made my move.

Without breaking my violet spell, I summoned bronze Hellfire into my hand and slammed it into the ground. The asphalt below us rumbled as if it were being struck by a massive earthquake, and then a crack formed in front of the glowing purple barrier. The crack shot through the pavement like a bolt of lightning before it splintered off and opened up the earth beneath a cluster of the soldiers.

The fuckers let out a yelp of surprise as they were swallowed by the ground, and then they disappeared from my view. A few of them were able to sprout their wings and get airborne in time, but those unfortunate few were taken out by a few quick blasts of Divine Light.

Soon, it was just us and Metatron.

“Just like old times, huh?” I mused to Raphael as we stared down our foe.

“Metatron makes Uriel look like a kitten,” the Archangel warned.

“Please,” I scoffed and whipped out my axe, “I kicked his ass not that long ago. I can do it--”

“He was taking it easy on you because he wanted you alive,” Raph shot back. “Metatron at full power is no joke.”

“I hear my ears burning over there, ‘brother,” the blond Archangel growled as he hovered in the air and readied his sword.

Metatron swooped over on his pristine angel wings and lashed out at my head.

I threw up my own weapon to block, but the force of the blow caused me to stagger backward. I caught myself before I fell with a quick cast of purple, but then I had to duck down to avoid getting decapitated by the glowing white sword.

“Metatron, stop!” Raphael pleaded as he leapt onto the other Archangel’s back and wrapped him in a bear hug. “Can’t you see that Jacob isn’t your enemy?”

“Could have fooled me!” the blond man hissed as he flew up higher into the air and tried to shake Raph off violently. “Now get off me, you traitor! First Uriel, now you … does anyone in this universe have any honor any more?”

As the two Archangels tangoed in the air, I summoned yellow Hellfire into my hand and took aim at Metatron. However, the two combatants were moving too fast, and I couldn’t get a clear shot without hitting Raph.

Metatron suddenly summoned white light around his body and then shot it outward at a three-hundred and sixty degree angle. The blast of blinding light must have disoriented Raph, because he released his grip on his foe and floated back with his hands over his eyes.

Then, before he could make another move, Metatron’s sword found Raphael’s abdomen.

“No!” My heart sank as I saw the blood-soaked blade protrude from the other side of the Archangel.

Raph’s eyes were wide in shock as he stared at his former ally, and then his body went limp as the blade was removed and he plummeted to the ground.

I let out a scream of rage and released my yellow shuriken at full power. The tiny projectiles struck Metatron directly on the exposed part of his back, and there was a spray of blueish-red blood as they tore at his flesh.

Raphael’s body smashed into the sand of the nearby beach and sent a cloud of dust into the air. The Archangel stirred weakly as his blood was soaked up by his white SWAT uniform, but he was still alive.

For now.

I didn’t have time to worry about my friend, because a blast of Divine Light was headed right in my direction. I rolled to the left just as it struck the spot where I was standing and melted the asphalt into a sludgy mess.

Metatron darted down and lashed out with his sword, but I was able to block it with the hilt of my axe. The Archangel’s face was inches from my own as we both tried to overpower each other with our own weapon.

“What the fuck happened to ‘take them alive?’” I growled through a fit of white-hot rage.

“He’ll live,” Metatron grunted. “An Archangel can survive through much, much worse. You, on the other hand--”

Before the Archangel could finish his clever comment, his words were cut off by a car horn blaring the tune of “La Cucaracha.” Both of our heads spun around toward the commotion, and I couldn’t help but grin at what I saw.

It was a bright yellow Volvo that looked like it had been ripped straight from the eighties.

It was fucking Lola.

Todd sat behind the wheel of his beloved car with a pair of sunglasses on his head and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

Before the remaining SWAT officers could react, the yellow Volvo ran straight into them and sent their bodies tumbling up over the roof of the car. The vehicle swerved to a stop, and Todd sounded the novelty horn once more.

I used this distraction to my advantage.

With one final heave, I shoved Metatron backward. Then I quickly ran a flaming red hand over the blade of my axe, spun around, and struck the Archangel square in the chest. There was the sound of metal scraping metal as my axe clashed with his white armor, and a massive gash appeared in his breastplate.

Metatron stumbled back and readied his sword, but I quickly knocked his arm back with a blast of red Hellfire. Then, without a moment’s hesitation, I thrust my axe upward and severed the fucker’s hand at the wrist.

Metatron roared with agony as he grasped at his now-bloody stump.

The bluish-red blood shot out of his wrist like a small geyser and ran down his uniform like a waterfall of blood. He fell back onto his ass as he fumbled to apply pressure to the wound.

I holstered my axe, summoned green Hellfire into my hands, and cast it around the wounded Raphael. I lifted the Archangel up into the air, pulled him toward me, and then ran toward the yellow Volvo.

Eligor and Ariel were already in the back of the vehicle as they beckoned to us from an open door.

I heard more gunshots behind me, but I didn’t dare try and halt my gait as I sprinted as fast as I could toward the car with Raph. Once I was a few feet away from Lola, I tossed the Archangel into Eligor’s waiting arms, ran over to the front, and leapt up into the air. I used my own momentum to slide across the hood of the vehicle like something out of Dukes of Hazard, and then I quickly scurried into the passenger’s seat.

“Gogogogogogo!” I exclaimed as I slammed the door shut.

Surprisingly, Todd didn’t make any sort of clever comment. The next thing I knew, I heard the sound of our wheels spinning out, and then we were off. The gunfire began to sound like it was getting further away, but I could still hear the thwip of the bullets as they passed by our car.

“I found her, Jakey!” Todd cackled over the blaring tunes of AC/DC. “I know you always told me Lola was up here in Car Heaven, but I always thought you were just fucking with me. Ya know, kinda like how my parents always told me my dog was sent away to a farm somewhere, when in reality they sold him off to some Hollywood executive so he could star in Air Bud.”

“Right,” I noted with a sigh. “Glad to see your old sex machine is back in action. How’s Raphael looking back there, guys?”

“He’s critically injured,” Ariel explained, “if we don’t get him medical attention soon, he might not make it.”

“All the more reason to get us down to Earth as quickly as we can,” I growled. “Sia should be able to get him back to normal.”

“How ya feelin’ back there, Raphey?” Todd asked as he glanced in the rearview mirror.

The Archangel gave the imp a weak thumbs-up with a blood-covered hand.

“I-I’ve been better,” he joked. “Could you do me a favor? If it looks like I’m not going to make it, I do have one request. I want to try one of your joints. I’ve always been forbidden from that by my Divine Code of ethics.”

“Well, I got some bad news for ya, Raphey,” Todd shot back. “One, this is just a normal cigarette, not a joint. I don’t think they allow that shit in Heaven. Two, you aren’t dying today, bro, so get that shit outta your head.”

“There it is!” I gasped and pointed to a massive glowing portal about five miles ahead on the road. “Step on it, Todd!”

“I’m trying, Jakey,” the imp in disguise admitted. “This thing only has a max speed of one hundred. Technically it can go one-fifty, but the last time I tried, the wheels nearly flew off.”

“Why in the world would you pick such a slow car?” Eligor demanded from the backseat. “And why would you pick something as out of date and hideous as--”

“Don’t you dare talk smack about my baby, Goldilocks!” Todd warned. “When you’re in the yellow beaut that is Lola, you will show some respect.”

“Todd has a soft spot for this car,” I explained. “It was his first and only car all the way up until we got Shadow.”

“You’d have a soft spot too if you’d been through everything I’ve been through with this sexy beast,” Todd added. “Did you know I lost my virginity in this car? Right where Ariel’s sitting, actually.”

I glanced at Ariel in the rearview mirror, and her face contorted into a grossed out expression. She scooched over to the side, and then Todd let out a small chuckle.

“Good luck with that one,” he laughed. “There’s not a spot in this baby that hasn’t been the home to the Toddster’s school of love making at some point in time.”

“Can we please focus?” Raphael groaned. “I don’t want the last thing I ever hear to be Todd’s sexual history.”

“Are you going to be able to use your powers?” Ariel asked the wounded Archangel. “This entire plan is riding on that, and, uh, not to be a downer, but it looks like you’ve lost a lot of blood.”

“Just get me there,” the Archangel grimaced in pain. “I’ll get us out of here, even if it kills me in the process.”

Suddenly, there was a flash of white light, and chunks of asphalt sprayed up into the air beside us. Todd yanked the wheel to the right, and the vehicle swerved violently. He forced the car back to the left as another blast took out a spot in the pavement beside us, but then he was able to get Lola back on the straight and narrow.

“Holy fuck!” the imp gasped. “How is this guy still following us? I thought you went all Darth Vader on his ass, Jakey?”

I glanced back and saw a figure in shining white armor hurtling toward us upon a pair of massive feathery wings.

Metatron.

“I did!” I argued. “I figured cutting his fucking hand off would have been enough!”

“Did you tell him you were his father?” the imp asked.

“What?” I shot back with a raised eyebrow. “Why the fuck would I do that?”

Todd slapped his hand on his forehead as if he had an epiphany.

“There’s your problem, bro,” he explained. “You just went for the physical mutilation and not the emotional one.”

“Well, I’ll be sure to try that next time,” I sighed. “Just make sure we stay on the road, okay?”

Metatron launched another flurry of Divine Light at our vehicle, and our bodies were thrown violently to the side as Lola swerved to dodge them. The portal was now only a few feet away, but Metatron was gaining on us quickly.

My heart thumped in my chest as the adrenaline ran through my veins and Back in Black blared in my ears.

“Aw, shit,” Todd groaned. “Everybody hold on!”

There was the sound of a spell hitting the pavement behind us, and suddenly Lola’s back end was knocked up into the air. We all braced ourselves, but thankfully the vehicle still had enough momentum to keep it moving forward.

As we passed through the portal, the whole world went white. My body felt like it was being encompassed by some sort of deep, warm, tingling sensation, and the light around us was so intense I thought for a second my retinas were burning.

Then the world returned to normal.

At least, as normal as it could be when your car was flipping forward, end-over-end, over a landscape of clouds.

“I hope you liked what I had for lunch, bro,” Todd gagged, “because I think we’re all about to see it again.”

I closed my eyes and called forth my green Hellfire. I surrounded the vehicle with the telekinetic spell, but nothing seemed to happen. The Demonic magic was too weak up here in Divine territory, but if I didn’t do something fast, we were going to lose our getaway car.

And, even more importantly, Raphael.

I closed my eyes and tried to summon up every single disgusting thought I could muster. I thought about how this whole situation could have been avoided, how I should have never been brought to trial, and how Beelzebub had his bastards out there ruining my good name. This whole fucking thing was a waste of time, time I could be spending building up my army and preparing for the impending invasion of the Fourth Circle.

I felt the green Hellfire spread across my entire body, and then Lola came to a sudden halt.

“Holy shit, bro,” Todd panted from the driver’s seat. “You caught us.”

“Never doubted myself for a minute,” I chuckled awkwardly.

I lowered the vehicle down onto the cloudy surface as quickly and delicately as I could, and then we sped off once more.

“Son of a bitch,” Eligor growled. “This guy’s relentless!”

I glanced back to see Metatron emerge through the glowing white portal, still hellbent on capturing us.

“We just need to keep him off our tail until we reach the Pearly Gates,” I explained. “Then Raph can cast his spell, and we’ll be back on Earth in no time.”

“Uh … ” Ariel said somberly. “That might be an issue. Raphael is out, guys.”

I whipped around in my seat and saw that the Archangel’s eyes were closed, and his body was heaving with deep, shallow breaths.

“Shit!” I growled. “Stay with us, Raph.”

“I’m almost there,” Todd announced. “We just need to keep Megatron off us for a few more minutes.”

“I’ll handle flyboy up there,” Eligor announced and summoned lime green Hellfire into her hands.

“How the shit are you gonna do that?” Todd asked in a panic. “We’re driving on a giant fucking cloud!”

“Exactly,” the knight explained. “And clouds are giant balls of mist, right?”

“Say … ” Todd pondered aloud. “How the fuck is it holding a whole car if that’s--”

“Don’t think too hard about it,” Eligor shot back. “Just get us out of here.”

Todd swerved out of the way of another one of Metatron’s blasts, and I looked back to see the landscape become encased in lime green Hellfire.

Suddenly, two giant geysers of water shot up from the ground and surrounded Metatron on both sides.

Eligor clapped her hands shut, and the roaring spouts of liquid closed in on the Archangel.

Metatron’s body was caught up in the watery twister as his armored form was tossed and tumbled like clothes in a washing machine.

The blonde knight in the back seat held onto her spell for as long as she could, until the geyser was nearly out of sight.

“Excellent work, Goldilocks,” Todd mused as we approached the backside of the Pearly Gates. “Now everybody hang on!”

The imp slammed his foot down on the gas pedal as far as it would go, and Lola lurched forward at the breakneck speed of one-hundred and fifty miles per hour. As the shiny metal of the gates grew closer, I threw out a glowing hand of purple and encased Lola’s fender with a protective spell.

We slammed into the gates, and they burst open without incident. Vapor trails were shooting up from beneath the wheels of Lola as we peeled out of Heaven, and Saint Peter shook his fists and yelled second-grade profanities at us as we shot past.

“Uh, guys,” Todd muttered in a panic. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we’re running out of cloud. Is Raphey awake yet?”

“No,” Eligor sighed. “And what do you mean we’re running out of cloud?”

I looked back at Raphael and saw he was now breathing much more slowly than normal. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the white blur of Metatron off in the distance, heading in our direction. Then I glanced ahead and saw that Todd was right. A few miles in front of us, the cloudy landscape gave way to a dark abyss.

We needed to get Raph conscious, and we needed to do it quickly.

“Keep driving, Todd,” I ordered.

“Are you fucking crazy, bro?” he gasped. “We don’t know what’s down there? That could be a portal to purgatory or the Ninth Circle of Hell or Grandma Georgina’s outhouse for all we fucking know!”

“Just keep driving!” I shot back. “Eligor, use your powers to see if you can wake him up.”

The knight gave me an understanding nod, and then she threw her glowing hand out the window. Bits of mist began to gather into her hand until she had a full-on ball of water in her hands. Then she hauled back and tossed the liquid onto Raphael’s face.

The Archangel’s eyes sprung open as he sat to attention.

“W-what’d I-” he began.

“We’re through the Pearly Gates,” I explained as I watched Metatron growing nearer. “Teleport us out of here, now!”

“I’ll try,” Raph said weakly, and then he summoned a bit of Divine Light into his hand.

The Archangel closed his eyes as the glowing white light spread across his body and onto the seat around him. However, that’s as far as it got.

“Come on, Raphael,” Ariel encouraged him. “Keep it up! You can do this!”

The light spread a few more inches across the interior of the vehicle, but it wasn’t nearly enough.

“Fuuuuuuuckkk me,” Todd groaned. “We’re gonna go over in t-minus ten, nine, eight--”

Before he finished the countdown, the nose of Lola went over the edge of the cloud. My body felt weightless as the world seemed to drop out from underneath to reveal a vast abyss of darkness.

“I thought you said we had ten seconds?” Eligor screamed.

“Math was never my best subject, okay?” Todd retorted as his eyes grew wide.

“Raph, come on!” I pleaded with the Archangel.

“Feel the burn, Raph!” Ariel encouraged once more. “Focus all your energy from your body into your spell!”

Energy. That was it. Raph’s Divine Light was like a power source, and the Archangel was in desperate need of a recharge.

We just needed to be the chargers.

“Ariel!” I commanded the redhead. “Stab him with your enchanted daggers.”

“You want her to do what?” Raphael gasped.

“Just trust me on this,” I explained as I summoned a small ball of my own Divine Light into my hands. “If all Divine magic works anything like my own, it can be powered up by siphoning off the magic from other spellcasters. It’s like asphalt absorbing the heat of the sun and getting hotter. Make sense?”

“Not completely,” Ariel admitted, “but I trust your judgement.”

The car was now plummeting at full speed, and the darkness below was beginning to surround us. We had to act fast.

“On three,” I commanded the angel. “One … two … three!”

I blasted a small beam of Divine magic directly into the Archangel’s stomach. At the same time, Ariel called forth her hand-mounted daggers and stabbed them into Raphael’s leg.

The Archangel let out a yelp of pain, but then his cries slowly grew into a scream of determination. His spell’s power began to increase, and soon the entire vehicle was engulfed in the blinding white light.

“Yes!” I couldn’t help but declare. “It worked!”

At this moment, Metatron’s figure came over the clouds and began to hurtle down toward us.

I extended both of my middle fingers into the air, pointed them in the Archangel’s direction, and then the world when white.

Chapter 10

As the blinding white light faded out from my vision, our surroundings became more clear. We were currently parked in front of a two-car garage attached to a large white and red, Spanish villa-style mansion. There were a few acres of lush green grass off to the side, with rosewood trees interspersed every fifty feet or so.

It had worked. We were back on Earth.

We were home.

“We did it,” I half-laughed, half-sighed. “Good work, Raph. Raph?”

I looked back and saw the Archangel was now completely passed out, and his chest was moving ever so slowly as blood poured from the wound on his abdomen.

Ariel put two fingers on the Archangel’s neck and gasped.

“His pulse is really weak,” she gulped. “He needs medical attention now.”

I threw open the door of the vehicle and ran over to the passenger-side rear. The door had already been opened, so I reached in, tossed one of Raph’s arms around my shoulder, and helped to stand him up.

Ariel took his other side, and then we hurriedly made our way to the front door.

Todd returned to his imp form as he scurried ahead of us, threw open the door, and held it in place.

“Wounded Archangel, coming through!” he called back into the halls of the mansion.

Ariel and I passed through the threshold and quickly moved into the living room.

Ira’s sub, Liby, and Sia were all sitting on the couch chatting happily when we entered.

“Sia, we need your help,” I explained. “Raphael is hurt bad.”

Both of the succubi jumped up with in a flash, and Ariel and I laid the Archangel down onto the leather piece of furniture.

“He looks quite rough,” Sia observed as she summoned her golden healing flames into her hand. “May I ask what happened?”

“The night of my life,” Ira’s sub cooed. “That’s what it looks like to me!”

Superbia placed her glowing hand against Raphael’s wound, and its warm shimmer spread like wildfire. Within seconds, the bright red blood began to coagulate and turn into a scab. Then the skin around the wound slowly started to pull itself back together until it looked like there was nothing there at all.

“There,” Sia sighed. “The bleeding is stopped. But, just for good measure … ”

She closed her eyes again, and her healing spell spread all the way across Raphael’s body. His bruises and scrapes healed in seconds flat, and even the blood on his clothing dried up and flaked off into the air.

“Please don’t die on me, Raphey,” Todd pleaded as he ran into the room. “We need you, bro. Plus, you still owe me fifty bucks!”

I shot the imp a questioning glare, and he pursed his lips devilishly.

“But mostly that first thing,” he said with a firm nod.

“We broke out of Heaven,” I explained to my succubi. “Raphael was injured by Metatron.”

“Broke out of Heaven?” Libidine said in shock. “How is that even possible?”

“We had a great helper,” I explained and pointed to the redhead beside me. “This is Ariel. She’s an angel who decided to join us.”

Libidine stepped forward and extended her hand happily.

“Pleased to meet you, Ariel.” She grinned as she shook the redhead’s hand. “It’s always great to have some fresh meat on the team.”

“I don’t think she’s got one of those, Lib,” Todd whispered loud enough for everyone to hear. “We’d see it through those yoga pants.”

Ariel let out a slight giggle, and then Liby’s cheeks went red.

“I could have worded that better,” the dark-haired succubus admitted. “Anyway, welcome to the team.”

Superbia finally decast her healing spell and stood up from tending Raphael.

“He’ll be fine,” the madame explained, “but he’ll need to rest for awhile. Now, let’s work on you.”

“Oh thank God,” I sighed as I plopped down on one of the nearby chairs.

“I don’t think he’s the one you should be thanking right now,” Eligor muttered. “We wouldn’t be in this mess right now if it wasn’t for the Exalted One.”

“What exactly happened in Heaven?” Sia asked again as she walked over and placed a glowing gold hand on my arm. “I thought you two were going to be on trial.”

I explained everything to my succubi while the madame worked on healing me. I told them all about the trial, how it looked like we had all the momentum after Cupi and Invidia’s testimony, but then things took a turn for the worse with the Ascended Soul and the video evidence. I told them about how Ariel had helped us escape, the beating we gave Metatron, and the way we Dukes of Hazzard-ed it off the cloud at the end.

“That sounds like quite the trial,” Sia admitted.

“All those brutal fights?” the sub purred. “All those cuts and bruises and beatings? That really does sound like Heaven.”

“Do you have any clue as to where this wannabe cult will strike next?” Libidine asked curiously.

“Not a clue,” I sighed. “All I know is they dress up like my cultists and go around killing people in the name of ‘The Exalted One and his herald, Jacob Ralston.’”

“That sounds very familiar,” Superbia admitted as she stroked her petite chin, “but definitely not the Cult of Beelzebub. They’re much less subtle in their ways. In fact, that’s where Oliver and Jane are right now, out battling a sect that’s been trying to force its way onto our turf.”

“Who else could it be?” I demanded. “He’s the one who’s out to get me, and Raph told me all this behind the scenes manipulation shit is right up his alley.”

“If he was really serious on wanting to ‘get you,’” a familiar, seductive voice purred from the other room, “he would have just hired me.”

I turned around to see a beautiful woman leaning against the doorway of the dining room. She had the slim figure of an acrobat, with long brown hair that flowed gracefully in battle. The woman was wearing a dark purple wrap-around top with matching colored pants whose fabric was somewhat flowy.

It was the Rakshasi assassin, Aruna.

Eligor drew her divine sword, and Ariel summoned forth her claws.

“It’s alright,” I promised them. “She’s a friend.”

“This time,” Aruna said coyly, “but only because the redhead is paying me well. I must admit, though, I do like these new additions you’ve made to your team. They’ve got a lot of spunk.”

“Just this one,” Todd explained matter-of-factly as he pointed at Eligor. “I don’t think Jakey’s had sex with Ariel yet.”

Everyone in the room turned to look at the imp, and then realization spread across his face.

“Ohhhhhh,” he mumbled foolishly. “You’re talking about being spunky, not love juice. I gotcha.”

“Right,” Aruna said with a roll of her eyes.

I turned to Sia and gestured back to the Rakshasi.

“Why did you hire her?” I asked. “Not that I don’t appreciate the company, but we had things under control.”

“We needed a contingency plan,” Sia said with a shrug. “I didn’t know how things were going to go with your trial, so I hired Aruna. You should be glad I did. We may not need to send her on a rescue mission to Heaven, but we could certainly use her to help track down your slanderers.”

“Did I hear you say ‘track?’” the assassin purred. “I’m always down for a good cat and mouse game.”

“That is correct,” Superbia announced as she switched to a more professional tone. “Someone is slandering Jacob’s good name, we think it might be--”

“Beelzebub,” Aruna finished as she grabbed an apple off the marble counter. “I heard the whole story.”

“Oh,” Sia said, somewhat flustered. “Then you should know Jacob is going to need--”

“A person to help hunt down these bastards, kill them, and then get one of them to squeal,” the Rakshasi finished. “Look, Superbia, you already paid me. Just tell me what you need me to do, and I will make it happen.”

“Unfortunately, right now I just need you to hold tight and await further instructions,” the redhead explained.

Aruna took a bite of the apple and gulped it down as she cocked her head and shrugged.

“Fine with me,” she mused, “but realize I charge by the day.”

“Such dishonor,” Eligor said as she clicked her tongue.

Aruna’s dark eyes narrowed as she stared down the blonde knight. She strutted over to Eligor, took another bite of her apple, and then walked in a circle as she looked her up and down.

“So what,” she observed, “are you Jacob’s sexy blonde warrior now that he’s a King of Hell? I thought that was Cupi’s role?”

“I am a loyal servant of Lilith and Jacob Ralston,” Eligor explained with a somewhat regal tone. “I am, to this day, the only knight of Hell.”

“Impressive,” Aruna conceded, and then she moved on to Ariel. “And what about you, hmm? You’re really fit … somewhat shy based on the fact you haven’t spoken up lately … I bet you’re going to be the one who whips all of his soldiers into shape.”

“Actually,” Ariel corrected the Rakshasi, “I am- er, was, a blacksmith for the Army of the Divine.”

“Ohhhh,” Aruna smiled as her eyes lit up, “you’re the one who’s going to be making Jacob’s wonderful toys, then. I must warn you, though, nothing is ever going to top that warhammer in his pants.”

Ariel blushed, but I could also tell she was holding back a smile at the thought.

Aruna finished off her apple, tossed the core into the trash can, and then headed for the sliding glass door.

“Let me know when you need me,” she announced, “but by all means, take as much time as you need to.”

The Rakshasi slunk out the door as Sia shot her a dirty look.

“I may be starting to regret this decision,” the madame sighed.

Liby was already on it. She walked over to Sia and began to tenderly massage her shoulder blades.

“Don’t stress about it, Sister,” she murmured. “Aruna might be a little … hard to work with, but she’s the best of the best. No matter what she ends up doing, I’m sure your money will be well spent.”

“Thank you for the words of confidence, Libidine,” Sia mused.

“So, maybe I’m missing somethin’ here,” Todd spoke up meekly. “What’s our next move? Are we just gonna sit around and wait for these sorry mofos to attack again?”

“We need to figure out who they are,” Sia explained. “I believe Sister Ira may be of assistance with that.”

“I finally get something to do?” Ira’s sub gasped. “Halle-fucking-lujah. Congress has been so boring lately, especially compared to all the fun we’ve been having in Hell. I got into politics for the backstabbing, corruption, and pure sadomasochist curiosity, but it hasn’t really been getting me off like it used to.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t run for re-election?” I suggested. “I could totally give you a full-time role as a royal weapons tester and food taster.”

The sub’s eyes lit up at the thought.

“I could be the one who checks your food for poison?” she asked hopefully. “And I could be the one who gets sliced, crushed, and whipped by all of your new weapons? Sign me the fuck up! Buuuutttt, for now I need to finish out my term, and that means using my legislative powers appropriately. So, what is it you want me to do, Superbia?”

“I want you to talk to one of your corrupt police chiefs and see if he’ll give you any copies of the files they have on this copycat cult,” Superbia explained. “Pictures, witness accounts, evidence, anything.”

Ira’s sub pointed to her self and chuckled. “Public servant number one, right here,” she joked.

“Can you get the files, or no?” Superbia sighed.

“Of course I can,” the dark-haired succubus giggled. “Let me make a few phone calls, and I’ll have them on your desk in the next hour or two.”

“Excellent,” Sia said with relief.

Ira’s sub stood up, whipped a cell phone out of her pocket, and then meandered into the other room.

“Sister?” Libidine spoke up. “What do you want me to do?”

“Actually,” I interjected, “I have a job for you, Liby. I want you to go around town and use your mind-control powers to see if you can find any leads. With Beelzebub’s cult multiplying like rabbits, surely there’s some weak-minded individual out there who would spill the beans.”

“Will do,” the Sister of Lust exclaimed. “I actually just bought a new outfit that would be perfect for going undercover!”

The succubus gave me a playful salute, and then she turned around and ran off to change.

“What about us?” Eligor motioned to herself and Ariel.

“Eligor,” I explained, “you’re my most trusted knight--”

“I’m your only knight,” she reminded me.

“Well, then that makes you my most trusted by default,” I chuckled. “I want you to help Sia try and figure out who these people are or what their end game is. As for you, Ariel … I want you to do what you do best.”

The redheaded angel’s face twisted into a look of confusion.

“You want me to do Crossfit?” she asked.

“Crossfit?” I scoffed.

“That’s what I’m best at.” Ariel shrugged. “I’m actually such a pro I can blow through an expert workout without so much as breaking a sweat!”

“Redddddd fllaaaaggggs,” Todd whispered ominously.

“I meant your blacksmithing,” I admitted. “If you’re really going to be the head of research and development of my Department of War, then I’m going to need to see what you got.”

“You already have,” she argued as she pointed to the axe on my back.

“No, no, no,” I said with a grin, “you made this out of the most powerful material known to God and man. In the Fourth Circle, we have a lot less to work with. I want to see what you can whip up using limited resources. There’s a workbench out in the garage, plus a bunch of random objects. Get out there and show me what you got!”

“I won’t disappoint,” Ariel reassured me, and then she turned and walked off into the dining room.

“Uh, Little Mermaid?” Todd whistled and pointed in the opposite direction. “The garage is that-a-way.”

Ariel reappeared through the doorway as she speed-walked back through the room and toward the actual garage.

“So, that just leaves the four of us,” I observed. “I think it’s a no-brainer Eligor and Superbia work on trying to do a little research and figuring out who these bastards are and where they could pop up again.”

“I can totally work on my new strains of weed while you guys are doing all that,” Todd offered.

“I’m not sure how that--” I started, but the imp quickly flipped up onto the counter and placed his hand against my mouth.

“Just go with it, Jakey,” he chuckled. “A stoned Todd is Todd at his best, bro. And we all want the Toddster to be at his best, right?”

“Actually,” Superbia spoke up, “I had something in mind for you, Todd.”

“And what might that be, Strawberry Shortcake?” the imp asked curiously.

“I want you to do your podcast,” she explained.

Todd and I shot each other a look of confusion and then looked back at the redhead.

“Tuesdays with the Toddster?” the imp scoffed. “At a time like this? It’s not even Tuesday!”

“Yeah,” I admitted, “I think I’m with Todd on this one. I’m not really seeing how Todd’s podcast is going to do us any good.”

A coy smile slid up Sia’s face, and she began to click her tongue as she shook her head back and forth.

“Where’s your imagination, my friends?” the madame joked. “Think about it. Beelzebub’s cult is most likely staying on top of our whereabouts. They know we’ve been down in Hell for months, and they probably are aware you were on trial up in Heaven. Now, what happens when they suddenly see a new episode of Todd’s podcast appear?”

Realization finally sunk in as a large grin spread across my face.

“They’ll know we’re back on Earth,” I noted.

“And if they know we’re back on Earth,” Todd continued, “they’re like, ten times more likely to try and pull something.”

“Exactly,” Sia mused. “They’ll see it as us just being careless, but in reality, it’s a well-orchestrated trap.”

“So, you want to send out an open invitation for our enemies to come here?” Eligor said, and she sounded unconvinced.

“They won’t come here,” the redhead explained. “At least, not yet. Their whole charade goes completely out the window if they’re seen trying to kill Jacob. My guess would be they’ll do something crazy and desperate in an attempt to force the Divine’s hand. They’ll try to raze a whole city or go on a massive killing spree in the hopes they’ll get the Divine’s attention, and then the Divine will realize you’re still on Earth Realm and come after you once more.”

“It sounds, crazy,” Libidine observed as she sauntered back into the room in a short blue dress, “but it might work. Surely the Divine think you’re hanging out in Hell, where they can’t travel.”

“Yeah,” Todd chuckled. “What kinda idiots would we have to be to set up shop right where all of our villains could find us without much effort?”

“Huge idiots,” I shot back with a wink. “Insane, wreckless idiots.”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about the Divine right now,” Ariel explained. “Metatron is Heaven’s main prosecutor, a prosecutor who just allowed his biggest case slip through his fingers. The mountain of paperwork he’s going to have to fill out for the police and the courts should keep him busy for at least a day or two.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but yay bureaucracy,” Todd snickered, “Anyways, I’ll go get workin’ on that podcast, but shit, I need a guest. It’s not Tuesdays with the Toddster without a special paranormal guest star!”

“Could you call up Chort?” Sia suggested.

Todd let out an offended gasp and placed his hand over his mouth.

“I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just suggest that,” he retorted. “I will never, ever, have that pompous asshole on my show. He’s my main competition.”

“I’ll be your guest,” Eligor offered. “I’m not sure what this whole ‘podcast’ thing is, but surely a fallen angel can be of some assistance.”

“Actually … ” Todd pondered the suggestion, and then he raised his index finger into the air. “You’d be perfect! My listeners would love to hear the account of somebody who’s been up and who’s been down. Follow me, Goldilocks.”

Todd motioned to the knight, and then he hopped off the table and scurried out of the room.

Eligor shrugged and then followed the imp.

Superbia stood up from her chair, stretched, and then headed for the threshold between the living room and the entryway.

“Come now, Libidine,” she ordered her Sister. “We have much work to do.”

Liby shot up from her chair and then sauntered over to the redhead.

“You guys are just leaving me?” I chuckled.

“You’ve been through a lot in the last day,” Sia noted. “It’s going to take all of us some time to make any progress on this case. You should follow Raphael’s lead and get some rest. May I suggest a swim in the pool?”

Even though Sia had healed up all of my wounds from the fight with Metatron, my body still felt like it was recovering from being hit by a freight train. A dip in the nice, cold water followed up by a short bask in the Arizona sun sounded heavenly.

“Actually,” I admitted, “I think I’m gonna do just that.”

“Let us know how the water is,” Libidine purred. “If it’s nice enough, we may have to go skinny-dipping later.”

Both of the succubi giggled as they turned and moved out of view.

I took one last look at Raphael as I headed over to the sliding glass door.

The Archangel’s breathing had returned to normal, and he was now snoring loudly as he laid on the leather couch. His wiry, sweaty hair covered his face like a tangle of wild seaweed, and his body was sprawled out in a position that looked uncomfortable in every way, shape, and form.

At least it finally looked like he was getting some rest.

I opened up the door, stepped outside, and instantly felt the rays of the sun splash against my skin. As I walked briskly toward my enormous swimming pool, I noticed Aruna and the ghost of Martatelli were locked in some sort of conversation all the way on the other side of the yard.

The ghost was flailing his arms wildly as he spoke, and Aruna just stood there with her hands on her hips and an amused look on her face.

I ignored my paranormal allies and continued on to the pool.

We’d made a lot of changes to this place since we took it from Robert Quinn, and the pool was no exception. Originally, it was your standard Olympic-sized swimming pool, perfectly round and ridiculously excessive. When we were remodeling the place, Superbia suggested we shrink down the pool into something more humble, and I totally agreed.

I mean, fuck, it cost thousands of dollars a year just to keep it chlorinated.

Now, we had a pool that was more suited to our needs. It was still composed of a massive round hole in the ground, and it was still filled with water so blue it would make a sapphire jealous. However, there were now several dark wooden lounge chairs and soft yellow orb lights that dotted its entire border.

Then there was my personal favorite addition, the hot tub. At the far edge of the pool, there was an installation made up of ceramic rocks that looked like a miniature waterfall. At the top of this waterfall was an elevated platform that housed the hot tub, which bubbled and churned with warm, soothing liquid.

Our contractor looked at us like we were fucking looney when we asked him to install an outdoor hot tub. I honestly couldn’t blame him. Phoenix was already atrociously hot, who would want to torture themselves with one-hundred degree water when they were already cooking in the one-hundred degree sun?

Demons, imps, and mortals-turned Demon Kings, that’s who. Thanks to what Cupi called the “internal Hellfire,” the heat and the cold had way different effects on me than they used to. I could stay warm in sub-zero temperatures, and I could sit in a fucking sauna for hours without getting fatigued.

Despite my newfound love of the Fourth Circle, being a Demon King on Earth certainly had its perks.

Once I got to the side of the pool I tossed my shirt, pants, and socks onto one of the lounge chairs. Then I looked around to see if anyone was looking. When I realized the coast was clear, I yanked off my underwear, added it to the heap of clothes, and then hopped into the deep end of the pool.

A wave of refreshment washed over my body as the lukewarm water surrounded every inch of my skin. I remained under the surface for just a moment, and then I thrust myself back above the water with a kick of my feet. I gulped in a huge breath of air as I reemerged, and then I swam over to the more shallow end.

We also had the foresight to install small underwater seats in this part of the pool, and words couldn’t describe how thankful I was for that right now. I plopped down onto the rocky seat, leaned back against the side of the pool, and relaxed as I soaked in the rays.

The mixture of the cool water on my lower half and the warm sun on my torso put me at ease, and I felt myself drifting off to sleep.

“Well, well, well,” I heard a woman’s voice interrupt my slumber.

My eyes shot open, and I quickly threw my hands down to cover my crotch.

There, in front of me, stood Aruna. The Rakshasi had her hands on her hips seductively as her dark eyes traveled up and down my body.

“How long have you been there?” I demanded.

“Long enough,” she shot back. “I knew you were packing a massive hammer down there, but wow. It’s even larger than I thought it was.”

“Excuse me?” I said as I splashed some water at the assassin. “Whatever happened to privacy?”

Aruna shrugged, sat down on one of the chairs, and then pulled her boots off her feet.

“It’s warm out,” she explained, “and I haven’t been able to go for a decent swim in forever. Your water here is so clear, not like the mucky stuff we have where I’m from.”

“And where is that, exactly?” I asked curiously. “I mean, I know Rakshasi are big in Indian lore, but I always figured you had some giant base at the top of a mountain where you hung out with the other paranormal assassins.”

Aruna raised an eyebrow as she unfastened her belt.

“My home is in Montana, Jacob,” she chuckled, “but you’re halfway correct. We assassins do all live out in a secluded village.”

“Of all the places in the world to set up base,” I continued, “why the hell would you choose Montana?”

“Because one, we get most of our jobs in the States,” Aruna explained. “Two, it’s one of the few places left in the US that isn’t packed to the brim with mortals. And three? Well, we have a deep spiritual connection to the place.”

Aruna stood up, pulled off her pants, and exposed herself to me. My eyes traveled up her long, toned legs, up to the delicate mound that rested between her legs. Then, she reached behind her back and untied the purple wrap around her torso. As the fabric fell away from her chest, I was treated to the beautiful sight of her small, perky breasts with their dark, erect nipples.

The Rakshasi noticed I was admiring her, and she positioned herself so I could see her in all her glory.

“What?” she mused knowingly. “I don’t want to get my fine clothing all wet.”

The Rakshasi sat down onto the side of the pool and lowered herself into the water. Then she slowly made her way over to the seat next to me. Aruna threw back her head as she leaned up against the pool wall and arched her back so her chest was protruded.

My cock throbbed as I admired the assassin, and it took everything in my power to keep my hands off the dark goddess’s body.

“You know, Jacob,” she flirted, “I usually don’t allow myself to get involved with my clients. It’s too much baggage, if you ask me.”

“That’s a shame,” I shot back. “I bet there hasn’t been a single client who didn’t want to be involved with you.”

“I’m sure.” The Rakshasi shrugged, and her breasts jiggled with the movement.

“Buttttt?” I tried to lead her on.

“But what?” she giggled. “I usually don’t get involved with clients. Plain and simple.”

“Oh come on,” I argued playfully. “Usually a sentence like that is followed up with a ‘but’ statement.”

“What’s the matter?” Aruna smiled. “Can’t two adults just sit in a pool together naked? That’s normal in some parts of Europe, you know.”

“Is it also normal to ogle at their naked bodies while they sleep?” I said with a smile. “And then comment on the size of their cock? Or is that--”

Before I could finish my snarky comment, Aruna flipped her body around so she was sitting on my lap facing me. Then she threw her hands onto my cheeks, pulled me in close, and shoved her tongue down my throat.

I could feel my cock growing harder as we made out, and the Rakshasi rubbed her naked body against mine.

Finally, she pulled back.

“You should know by now that I’m a woman of action,” Aruna purred. “I see what I want, and I make it mine.”

“Hey,” I shot back, “I’m the one with an entire harem of succubi.”

“Maybe they can join us next time,” the Rakshasi noted, and then she pressed her lips back against mine.

This time, as we were exploring each others’ mouths, Aruna reached down and wrapped her hand around my erect cock.

I let out a groan of pleasure at her touch, but then the sensation changed to pure ecstasy as she guided me inside of her.

The Rakshasi moaned happily as her tight pussy began to move up and down on my dick. My hand gripped against her tight ass as she rode me, and then the assassin temporarily released her hold on my tongue. She bit her lip with satisfaction as her eyes stared deeply into my own, and her pert breasts jiggled in unison with her hip movements. Aruna’s face appeared to be growing flush, and her moans were getting closer and closer together.

I buried my face into her chest as I began to tenderly kiss her body. I made sure to stop to give each of her nipples a gentle nibble, and the Rakshasi responded with a moan of ecstasy.

Finally, she stopped. Then the Rakshasi pulled herself off me, threw one hand around the back of my head, and stared passionately into my eyes.

“I’m a fucking tiger, Jacob,” she growled. “I want you to make love to me like a fucking tiger.”

Instantly, I threw both of my hands underneath her fit bottom, picked her up with all my strength, and thrust myself into the assassin.

Aruna gasped at my sudden motion, but then her eyes rolled back in her head as I began to pound her with everything I had.

“Oh my god!” she gasped. “That’s--That’s it!”

I could feel the Rakshasi’s hands running through my hair as I continued to make love to her like an animal. Suddenly, I felt her pussy lips begin to tighten around my erection, and I knew the end was near.

“K-Keep going,” she demanded. “Harder and faster. Pound into me, Jacob.”

“No, I give the orders around here,” I said as I slowed down my movements, and the assassin shot me a dirty look. Of course, that dirty look melted away the second I started to nuzzle on her neck.

Aruna made a sound I’d never heard her make before, so I assumed I was doing something right.

As I kissed at the assassin’s neck, I started to change the intensity of my thrusts. I would go slow for a few seconds before reverting back to fucking my lover with the intensity of a siberian tiger.

Suddenly, Aruna threw back her head and let out the loudest moan I’d heard in my life. The Rakshasi’s sounds of passion sent chills of pleasure down to my very core, and I could feel myself edging closer to the finish.

“I think I’m about to--holy fuuuuuck!” Aruna gasped as she climaxed against my cock.

That’s when I felt the warm coil release. I pulled the assassin down onto my dick as far as I could, and then I let out an intense moan and poured all of my cum inside of her tight tunnel.

Once we were both finished, Aruna gracefully slid herself off me and ran her finger along my chest.

“That was fun,” she said with a wink. “You should hire me more often.”

“That’s not all I hired you for,” I reminded her. “Though I will gladly pay to make that happen again.”

“That was just my basic package,” the assassin cooed. “Imagine what you’d get for the premium one.”

I plopped back down onto the underwater seat, and Aruna joined me on my lap. Despite her hard-as-nails personality, the Rakshasi’s skin was as soft as silk against my own, and she was snuggled up in my arms and purring contently.

I couldn’t help but laugh. Somehow, I’d turned the mighty tiger into a fucking kitten.

We continued to sit there and soak in the sun for at least another hour, but then we were brought back to reality.

“Jacob!” I heard Superbia’s distant voice call from the house. “Come quick! We’ve found something!”

Chapter 11

Aruna hoisted her naked body out of the pool, shook herself off like an animal, and then did a few stretches as she let the hot Arizona sun dry her off.

I pulled myself to the concrete surface, and I instantly felt the water on my body begin to evaporate as if it were under a heat lamp. I stared at the naked Rakshasi assassin as she quickly re-tied her top and then pulled her pants on over her tight ass.

She shot me a brief seductive look over her shoulder as she re-dressed, and then she schlocked her boots back onto her feet.

“I see you’re itching for round two?” Aruna purred as she glanced down at my returning erection.

“Can you handle a round two?” I snickered. “You came pretty hard.”

“Yesss,” she sighed,” but after the mission is over. Right now, it sounds like your madame has made a breakthrough.”

“What?” I flirted back as I pulled my pants back onto my now-dry body. “You don’t think we could get in a quickie?”

“Please,” the Rakshasi joked. “We both know a ‘quickie’ would be impossible for either of us to accomplish.”

“Blast,” I laughed and tugged my shirt over my torso, “foiled by my unselfish love-making once again.”

Now dressed, the two of us walked back across the yard toward the house. Aruna tried to stay a few feet ahead of me so she could feign disinterest, but she kept sneaking glances back over her shoulder at me as she walked, and I was sure everyone could figure out what we were doing out here all alone.

The assassin opened up the door and strutted in, and then I was right behind her.

“Do you feel better?” Superbia asked knowingly as her eyes darted back and forth between the two of us. “It looks like the two of you are much less tense than you were before.”

“Two of us?” Aruna chuckled. “Jacob was the one who was swimming. I was just out there brushing up on my Italian with Martatelli the whole time.”

“Oh?” Superbia asked coyly. “You mean the same Martatelli who’s been in here watching cooking shows for the last forty minutes?”

I glanced over the redhead’s shoulder to see the ghost of Angelo Martatelli sitting on the leather couch beside Raphael, who was now up and alert.

The two of them were sitting there chatting it up while they watched some sort of chef’s competition on the wall-mounted flat-screen TV.

“I thought our flat screen was destroyed in the fight with Metatron?” I asked curiously.

“We bought another one soon after you left.” Sia shrugged. “Oliver and the cultists may not have run our businesses very well while we were gone, but there was most certainly enough in our reserve funds to replace a television. Besides, we needed something to keep Martatelli busy while you were gone. He kept saying he wanted to go out and explore the city, but we all agreed having a Renaissance Italian ghost floating around Phoenix was a bad idea.”

Angelo laughed joyously, clapped his hands together, and then exclaimed something to Raphael in his native tongue.

“Why yes, Angelo,” the Archangel chuckled, “that man’s ravioli is quite scrumptious.”

“What the fuck did people like him do before they had TV and internet?” I joked and shook my head.

“They died, bro,” Todd answered as he and Eligor came walking back into the room. “Everyone worked out in the fields or in the monasteries or whatever for fifteen hours a day, and then they died at age thirty. That’s like, a historical fact.”

Even though Todd was being as nonchalant as usual, I couldn't help but notice he had a bright red helmet in his hand with a long, jointed tube on the top.

“I don’t think that’s right,” I mumbled.

“Maybe not,” the imp admitted. “It was probably more like forty-five. Anyways, bro, Goldilocks here and I just made the greatest episode of Tuesdays with the Toddster to ever grace the airwaves.”

“It was all about fallen angels,” Eligor explained, “and how we have come down to Earth to ‘watch over’ all of the mortals and protect them from evil.”

“Guardian angels, bro,” Todd snickered. “People are gonna eat that shit up.”

Todd reached up with his tiny imp hand, and what happened next caused my jaw to drop in disbelief. Eligor, the stoic knight who used to roll her eyes at all of Todd’s antics and swore him off as a ‘fool,’ gave him a high-five.

“Is something wrong?” Eligor questioned with a raised eyebrow.

“It’s … nothing,” I laughed, “but now I’m wondering what Todd's got in his hand."

“Oh, this little thing?” Todd snickered as he placed the helmet on his head. “This is the ticket to a world of babes and riches, bro.”

“But what is it?” Aruna asked again. “I’m sorry to admit it looks kinda foolish.”

“First off, how dare you,” the imp scoffed, “this is a GoPro helmet. See this little camera on the top of the snake thingy up here? It’s so I can document all the extreme shit in my life my absolute favorite way: hands free.”

“Don’t you sit on the couch most of the day?” Libidine asked with a coy smile.

“Actually,” Todd admitted, “I was thinking of creating my own Pornhub channel. I’ll call it ‘Todd Thumping Thots.’”

“What’s a thot?” Liby retorted. “Is that an Earth creature?”

“I thought beastiality was taboo on Earth Realm?” Eligor added.

“If it is, Jakey’s in trouble,” Todd laughed as he motioned between me and Aruna. “No, no, a thot is an internet term for women who sleep around. The ones who gobble down dicks like they’re at a hot dog eating contest. AKA my favorite kind.”

“You don’t even have a girlfriend, Todd,” I reminded him with a roll of my eyes.

“Of course not, Jakey,” Todd shot back, “if I did, she wouldn’t let me thump thots.”

“If I may interject,” Sia cut in, visibly annoyed, “Raphael and I had a long chat when he finally woke up. We believe we have figured out the identity of our enemy cultists.”

“Well duh,” I sighed, “they’re the Cult of Beelzebub, right?”

“Wrong,” Raphael spoke up. “The Lord of the Flies is much too clever to leave a bread trail back to himself like that, even if he is the one who is ultimately behind the attacks.”

“Haha, Pene!” Martatelli cackled as he pointed at a man wearing a chef’s hat on the television.

“Yes, Angelo,” Raphael sighed, “that man’s hat does look quite phallic. I was around during the Renaissance, you know. I don’t remember their humor being quite this juvenile.”

“Sacco di cazzo,” Martatelli mumbled.

“You think I’m a sack of what?” the Archangel growled back at Angelo, and then he stood up in a huff. “I don’t remember Renaissance scientists being so rude, either.”

“There was a reason this guy was condemned to Hell for all eternity, bro,” Todd said with a shrug. “He’s a lot more tolerable if you just pretend you don’t know Italian.”

“Wait … ” I gasped. “You’ve known Italian this whole time?”

The imp’s eyes went wide at the realization of his Freudian slip, and he opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something. Then he spun around on his heels and scuttled out of the room, all while whistling innocently.

Raphael walked over to where Sia, Aruna, and I were standing and crossed his arms in frustration.

“I might have to try that one,” he admitted. “Anyways, what I was saying was we believe the people you are looking for are members of the Order of the Exalted, or the Ordo et exaltabitur.”

Suddenly, Angelo’s jabbering went silent, and the scientist’s ghost slowly turned his head one-hundred and eighty degrees so he could listen to our conversation.

At the same time, Eligor’s face dropped down into a deep frown.

“Should I know these guys?” I asked rhetorically. “It seems like you guys all know who they are.”

“They’re batshit crazy, that’s what they are,” Eligor growled. “The scourge of both Heaven and Hell.”

“Which would make perfect sense for Beelzebub,” Superbia admitted. “He’s already got the Daeva, the ‘rejected gods,’ on his side, and his whole mission is to tear down the establishment and replace it with his own brand of extremism.”

“Okay, I’m lost,” I sighed. “Who are these people, and why are they such a big deal?”

“Back in the Middle Ages, there was a group of demonic cultists known as the Sons of Cain,” Superbia explained. “They traveled the countryside of Italy, murdering anyone and everyone who didn’t bow down to their deity.”

“How’s that any different than modern-day Demonic cults?” I asked curiously. “They kill and kidnap and sacrifice, no?”

“Not like these people,” Eligor shuddered.

“The Sons of Cain were extremely brutish and vile,” the madame continued. “They killed without rhyme or reason, burning whole villages to the ground and sparing no lives, not even those of infants.”

“It is said many Demon Lords got together and confronted the Sons of Cain,” Raphael took over. “Even though they applauded their commitment to the cause, they feared mass murder was probably not the way to go if they wanted to gain followers. The Sons of Cain, of course, disagreed.”

“They thought if you didn’t believe in the powers that be, if you didn’t worship the ‘sun and the moon’ in a way that felt appropriate--” Sia started to explain.

“The Exalted One and Lucifer,” Raph clarified.

“Right,” Sia said with a nod. “If you didn’t worship them the way they were ‘meant’ to be worshipped, then you didn’t deserve to live. The members of this organization were excommunicated from their respective cults.”

“So, where does this ‘Order of the Exalted’ come in?” I questioned.

“Well, not long after their expulsion,” the redhead explained, “a large number of Catholic priests were excommunicated from the Church for being ‘too extreme.’”

“The Purge of the False Acolyte.” Raphael nodded. “I remember that day well. It was a difficult decision for the Exalted One to make, but he assured the Pope he was doing the right thing.”

“It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together,” Eligor interjected. “The Sons of Cain met up with the excommunicated priests, and together they formed the Order of the Exalted. For the next few centuries, they merged their missions together, killed everyone who was a ‘nonbeliever,’ and used violence and intimidation to try and convert people into believing in the natural order that flows through the universe, the balance between pure good and pure evil. Or, in this case, the Exalted One and Lucifer.”

“Worshiping both?” I scoffed. “Sounds a bit contradictory.”

Superbia shook her head.

“They simply worship the idea of both of them,” the madame explained. “Not necessarily the deities themselves.”

“In other words,” Raph interjected, “they would worship whoever was on the two sides of the spectrum.”

“Or whoever was at the center,” Eligor said grimly.

“Beelzebub and Uriel,” I muttered.

Martatelli said something sad in Italian as he hung his head somberly.

“Martatelli says the Order of the Exalted was big in his time,” the madame explained. “According to him, they were the ones who had him executed.”

“Damn … ” I trailed off. “That would explain a lot about what we know from those times.”

“The Knights Templar, with the help of various cults and Divine warriors, waged war against these people until the mid-seventeen-hundreds,” Superbia sighed. “Even though we all knew they were still around, their members were forced into hiding. I’d honestly figured they’d all died out by now.”

“Apparently not,” Raphael mumbled. “I’m sure Beelzebub was able to woo them out of hiding with one of his ridiculous, radicalized speeches. He probably riled them up by claiming your involvement in the war between Heaven and Hell represented how out of touch the current order was. How people of this Earth needed to be reminded of their natural place in the world, and how he could lead them through the chaos back into that natural order. That’s how Uriel got the Daeva on his side.”

“But how are you so sure it’s these guys?” I continued.

Superbia walked over to the couch, snatched up the remote, and then punched in a few buttons.

As she did so, the screen flickered and showed our DVR menu. The succubus flipped through the different options until she found what she was looking for, and then she let out a huff as she slammed her slender finger onto the button.

Suddenly, the television changed to a news report. A large, burly man in a suit sat at the desk next to a petite blonde woman in a blazer and a nice dress.

“Tonight out of Santa Fe,” the man began, “more information about the ‘Cult of Ralston’ murders that took place a few days ago. Law enforcement officers have now released security footage of the attack in the hopes locals can help them identify the attackers. A warning to our viewers, this footage may be disturbing.”

The news cut to a somewhat grainy night-vision camera located just outside a brick building. A small band of robed cultists walked up to the back door, threw it open, and then went inside. Instantly, the sounds of horrified screams and swishing Hellfire filled the broadcast, and my heart fell into my stomach.

I’d seen plenty of death and destruction in my day, but this was so far over the line I wanted to kill these fuckers right then and there.

Finally, the sounds ceased, and the group exited through the same doors they had come in. However, the first man out of the building wasn’t wearing his hood. The footage froze and then zoomed in on his face.

It was a guy who appeared to be middle-aged, with short gray hair and a clean-shaven face. His features were chiseled and wide, and his eyes looked like they were almost halfway back in his eye sockets.

“Cancio,” Martatelli sneered.

“He’s right,” Sia agreed. “See that man right there? That’s Russo Cancio, the man who has been the leader of the Order of the Exalted since its inception.”

“He doesn’t look bad for being almost a thousand years old,” Raphael admitted. “I would have figured even with his powerful magic, he’d at least have some white hairs or something. Instead, he’s pulling off the whole ‘silver fox’ thing quite well.”

“You’re supposed to say no homoooooo!” Todd’s voice snickered from the other room.

“Todd, you can come back in here,” I sighed.

The imp walked back into the living room with his hand over his mouth and an amused look on his face.

“First Uriel, and now this OE guy?” Todd observed. “As your buddy, I gotta tell you that you’re looking about as straight as a circle right now.”

“I can assure you that’s not the case,” Raph sighed.

“Oh yeah,” Eligor chuckled. “If there’s one thing all the angels knew about Raphael, it’s that he liked his Earth women.”

“What?” the dark-haired man scoffed. “I would never break my holy vows like that.”

“Mhmm,” Eligor shot back, unconvinced. “I’m sure Cupi would back me up on this one. There’s probably dozens, if not hundreds, of little Nephillim Raphaels running around out there.”

“Nephilim?” Aruna asked curiously.

“The children of an angel or demon and a human,” I explained. “Allegedly more powerful than both, and highly forbidden by interdimensional law.”

“Holy shit!” Todd gasped. “Jakey knew something about the occult that Aruna didn’t? I see the apprentice has become the master.”

“Nephilim are highly illegal and seen as an abomination to the Divine,” Raphael shot back with a scowl. “Even if I were to break my vows, which I didn’t, I wouldn’t have been stupid enough to not use protection.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Todd said as he made a “hold up” motion with his hands, “are you tellin’ me there are some sort of Divine-strength condoms out there?”

“Of course there are,” the Archangel explained matter-of-factly. “We can’t have our angels and Archangels going around getting each other pregnant now, can we?”

“Damn,” Todd whistled. “Finally, a cock sock strong enough to contain the Toddster’s love juice! Is there like, a family planning section in the Safeways up there?”

Raphael made a gagging noise as his entire body dry heaved.

“Man,” I joked, “maybe those six months away from us reset your Todd tolerance levels.”

The Archangel went to say something, but then he stopped, held up his finger, and gagged again.

“Alright, so the Order of the Exalted is behind these attacks,” Aruna said as she rolled her eyes and tried to get us back on track. “How does this change our strategy whatsoever?”

“It changes it a lot, actually,” Sia sighed. “The Order of the Exalted is made up of powerful sorcerers who have had nearly a thousand years to perfect their craft. It’s not like modern-day Demonic cults made up of mostly average mortals who just wanted something to do on Saturday nights and dabble in magic.”

“In other words,” Todd explained, “it’s the difference between a grunt and an enforcer.”

“I’m not sure what that means, exactly,” Sia admitted, “but it sounds about right. The Order of the Exalted are much more powerful foes than simple Daeva or Cultists or even those red demon grunts we’re used to fighting.”

Just then, there was a loud knock at the door. All six of us looked at each other cautiously.

Martatelli and Todd both stared at each other as they shook their heads.

“I’m not getting fried again, bro,” the imp argued.

The ghost of Martatelli mumbled something back in Italian as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Goodness,” Raphael chuckled. “It’s just the door. I’ll get it.”

The Archangel sauntered out of the room and toward the entryway. Next, there was the sound of the door opening slowly, and then a loud sigh of relief.

“It’s Libidine, everyone!” he announced.

The Archangel walked back into the room, immediately followed by the Sister of Lust.

When I saw Libidine in all her glory, I felt the breath disappear from my lungs. The succubus was absolutely stunning in her long, flowing, knee-high sundress with its light blue fabric dotted with white florals. The garment’s neckline was plunging, to say the least, and Liby’s massive cleavage was on full display.

“Did you even need to use your powers?” I chuckled. “I would have given you all the information you wanted totally willingly.”

“Always the charmer,” Liby shot back with a wink. “But yes, I was able to shake loose some information. I--”

“Uh-huh,” the voice of Ira’s sub pondered as she walked into the room from the other side, phone still at her ear. “Uh-huh. Okay, thanks, Charlie.”

The submissive succubus pulled her device away from her ear, tapped the button to end the call, and then slid it back into her side pocket.

“Who’s got two thumbs, self-inflicted bruises, and just got us a lead?” she announced. “This girl right here!”

“I was just telling them about my lead, as well,” Libidine mused. “Unfortunately, the Cult of Beelzebub has been all but driven out of Phoenix thanks to your followers. But, I was able to track down a small sect of the Cult of Mammon. They were … less than willing to share information with me, but I was able to eventually get it out of them.”

“Attagirl, Lib!” Todd said with a fist pump. “Please tell me you held somebody’s face up to the fire until they squealed?”

“No, no,” Liby admitted. “As I was leaving, I used my mind control powers on the guard and forced him to attack his brethren. He killed like, half of the group before one of them decided they were going to beg for their lives.”

“Niiiiicccce,” the imp whistled.

“What did they tell you?” I demanded.

“They said they were trying to keep a low profile thanks to the increased activity from the Cult of Ralston,” she explained. “They claimed that nowadays they’re afraid to even show their faces because ‘our cult’ is going around slaughtering everyone. Strangely enough, they said their own cult has been the one targeted the most.”

“That makes sense,” Raphael admitted. “Mammon and Beelzebub have never really been on good terms.”

“Exactly,” Liby confirmed with a nod. “Apparently, their cult has been all but wiped out in the Southwest, and all of their sects have been trying to regroup tonight in a small town in Colorado. Cortez, I believe?”

“That lines up with what I heard!” Ira’s sub announced. “My source told me the local police have been pulling their hair out trying to figure out this string of murders. A string of murders that follows a clear pattern. Here, let me show you.”

Ira snatched away the remote from the ghost of Martatelli, who just grumbled in his native tongue. She flipped through the channels until she found a weather station currently displaying a map of the United States. The succubus walked up and pointed at the spot where Phoenix should be.

“So, if we go by the police reports, these murderers are following a pattern,” she explained.

Ira’s sub ran her finger along the map as she drew an invisible line going northeast.

“First there were the murders in Flagstaff,” she continued, “then the small town of Cameron, and then they literally just found bodies out in the middle of the desert near Red Mesa. That was yesterday.”

“So, the Order of the Exalted appears to be following highway one-sixty,” Sia observed.

“And what’s the next major stop on highway one-sixty?” the dark-haired succubus proceeded.

“Cortez, Colorado,” I realized.

“Which is where the Cult of Mammon claim to be currently regrouping,” Libidine added.

“Well shit … ” I mused. “Then it looks like we’ve got a destination. We can go out there, kill these fuckers who are trying to ruin me, and then take one of them back to Heaven and have him clear my name.”

“A stakeout in a state with legal weed?” Todd gasped. “Say no more, Jakey. I’ll go get my shit.”

“I’ll go, too,” Eligor announced. “I swore to Lilith I would assist you, and it’s an oath I intend to keep.”

“I shall go, as well,” Raphael added. “Like it or not, I’m now in this as deep as you are. Clearing your name is going to help clear my own.”

“Obviously, I’m going, too,” Aruna said matter-of-factly. “Unless you want to pay me to sit around and do nothing.”

“There’s still room in Shadow for one more,” I announced. “Any takers?”

“Perhaps Ariel should go with you?” Libidine suggested. “She’s new to the team, and it would be a great bonding experience.”

“Not a bad idea,” I admitted as I turned to address the room. “Alright, team, grab everything you could possibly need and meet me out in the garage in fifteen. In the meantime, I’ll see what Ariel is up to.”

My friends all gave me understanding nods and then went off to prepare.

“What shall we do in the meantime, Jacob?” Sia asked curiously.

“You guys have to hold down the fort,” I explained. “Metatron is surely going to be looking for us, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he showed up here again. Other than that, I want you guys to do what you do best.”

“Does that mean I can remodel the basement like I’ve been asking for the last year?” Liby gasped and jumped up and down with joy.

“We don’t have the financial capital for that right now, I’m afraid,” Superbia explained, “but surely you can come up with some ideas for when we do. I’m going to be writing up some business plans for the Velvet Lips, that’s for sure.”

“And I’ll be on the phone trying to catch up with everything I’ve missed,” Ira’s sub sighed happily. “I’ve forgotten how tedious Earth politics are. It’s Hell on Earth, and I love every second of it.”

“Guys,” I chuckled, “we’re not going to be gone for that long. Cortez is only a six hour drive from here. If all goes well, we should be back sometime tomorrow afternoon.”

“If you don’t end up stopping to copulate with those beautiful women you have along for the ride,” Sia cooed.

“Nah,” I shot back with a smile, “I’ve got Raph and Todd with me. They’ll keep me on track.”

With that, I bid my friends farewell and headed out to the garage. As I quietly opened the door and snuck into the large two-car structure, the smell of motor oil, grease, and hot metal filled my nostrils.

Directly in front of me sat my pride and joy, the 2015 Jeep Wrangler we all referred to as Shadow. This thing may not have been the most flashy or expensive vehicle, but it had gotten us through adventure after countless adventure. Not to mention, it had the ability to go off-road and could hold five people plus Todd if he was in his imp form.

Just behind the black jeep was the vehicle we’d “inherited” from Robert Quinn when we killed him and stole his mansion. It was a bright red Maserati GT with a ridiculously powerful engine and a sleek, sexy design. Stella was a lot less practical than Shadow or Lola, but she was an absolute blast to drive.

At the front of the garage stood Ariel, hunched over a workbench as sparks flew from the space in front of her. The angel’s ridiculously toned ass was on full display as she arched her back and focused on her work, and I couldn’t help but stare as I approached her.

Finally, the sparks stopped, and the redhead stood up straight. Ariel sat the small blowtorch she was holding down on the bench beside her, and then she flipped up the welding hood on her face and turned to greet me. Her face and hands were covered with smudges of grease, but her pearly-white grin told me she was having the time of her life.

“It’s done!” she exclaimed happily. “I hate to brag, but I think I’ve totally outdone myself this time.”

The redhead whipped off her welding hood, placed it delicately on the bench, and then reached over and picked up a hilted black object. She motioned for me to open up my hand, and I obliged.

“Careful,” she warned, “it still might be hot.”

“I’m a Demon King,” I reminded the angel. “It doesn’t matter.”

She plunked the dark object down into my hand. It was a medium-sized combat knife made of pure black metal.

“I noticed they were holding your dagger as evidence,” she explained, “so I made you a new one. It matches your sword and everything.”

This new weapon was far more tactical than the ones I was used to. It’s jet-black hilt had tiny grooves for my fingers to rest in, and the blade itself was nearly seven inches long. The razor-sharp blade had a slight curve to it, with a sharp hook at the tip and small serrations on the back end. It was heavy in my hand, and I guessed that made it more useful in combat.

“I fucking love it,” I said, dumfounded. “How did you make this? What the hell did you make this out of?”

The redhead just winked.

“That’s for me to know,” she giggled. “So? Did I pass?”

“With flying colors,” I admitted as I sheathed the knife in the spot where my dagger used to go. “Damn, it even fits my sheath and everything.”

“Glad to hear you’re satisfied,” Ariel retorted in a flirty tone.

“You want to satisfy me more?” I shot back, and the angel’s face turned beet red. “I, uh- I mean … we’re going on a mission. I wanted to know if you would join us.”

“Oh.” The redhead smiled and looked up at me bashfully. “Of course I’ll come with you.”

“It’ll be you, me, Todd, Eligor, Raph, and Aruna,” I explained. “Pretty good company, if you ask me.”

“None of the succubi are coming?” she questioned.

“They’ve all got way more important things to do than stake out some hodunk down in the middle of nowhere,” I admitted. “Besides, I want to see how my newest allies all work as a team.”

“I won’t disappoint you,” Ariel promised. “Teamwork makes the dream work.”

Just then, the large garage door at the other side of the building began to open.

“I hope you guys are decent,” Todd’s voice called out, “we’re comin’ in, bro, and we’d really prefer not to see your twig-n-berries.”

“Speak for yourself,” I heard Aruna jab.

Ariel and I turned around to see the Rakshasi had changed into her armor. The breastplate was made up of shiny silver, with a scale-like pattern and an intricately-punched design that ran along the perimeter of her neck. Loose red fabric came down to just above her knees, where her silver boots ended, and there was a yellow strip of fabric tied around her waist. The Rakshasi was wearing sterling silver cuffs on both of her wrists, and she had a tiara encrusted with a single ruby buried in her dark locks. On her belt hung her vast array of weapons, including her enchanted chakram, her bhuj sword, and a deadly katar.

Raph stood next to the Rakshasi in his pristine white SWAT uniform. He had his trusty enchanted FAMAS slung over his shoulder, and it looked like his pockets were stuffed to the brim with other gadgets and goodies.

Eligor was still in her tiny yet protective armor, with its bikini top that barely covered her nipples and essentially a metal thong for bottoms. She rested her hands happily on the hilts of her dual swords as she approached.

Then there was Todd. The imp had a beat-up blue backpack slung around his shoulders and a large, purple bong in his hand.

“Only the essentials, bro,” he explained as he scurried over to Shadow and popped open the back hatch.

My friends all took turns placing their gear in the back of the vehicle, and then they plopped into the jeep one-by-one.

“Did you need to grab anything else?” I asked Ariel.

The redhead shook her head.

“Between my energy claws and the tiny arsenal we’re taking along, definitely not,” she explained.

“Alright, then.” I nodded as I motioned to the vehicle. “Let’s get going.”

Eligor and Todd were already sharing the passenger’s seat, so Ariel had to slide into the driver’s side back seat next to Raphael.

I walked up to our jeep, threw open the door, and then hoisted myself up into the vehicle. The leather seats greeted me like an old friend as I adjusted myself to get comfortable, and then I slid the key into the ignition and twisted.

Shadow’s engine roared to life, and I put her in reverse.

“Next stop, death and destruction,” I laughed as I pulled out of the garage and onto the road.

Chapter 12

Waves of heat rolled off the desert highway as we shot down the road at nearly one-hundred miles per hour. The sun was high in the sky, and the cabin of the jeep was filled with the sounds of one of Todd’s classic rock mix CDs.

Todd was standing on the center console of the vehicle, explaining some convoluted conspiracy theory to the angels and demons in the back, all while they argued skeptically.

Honestly, as much fun as I’d been having as a Demon King of Hell, I’d missed this shit.

We’d been driving for about an hour at this point, and I could tell the rest of the team was starting to get restless.

Then the unthinkable happened.

Todd went silent.

“What’s wrong, Todd?” Raphael asked with concern in his voice. “I was quite interested in hearing how the Chupacabra related to the Moon Landing.”

“Broooooo,” the imp gasped. “Do you see that sign over there?”

Up on the road ahead, there was a large brown sign with the National Park Service logo on the side. It read “Montezuma’s Castle National Monument.”

“What the hell is that?” Eligor spoke up from the back seat. “Is Montezuma one of Earth’s kings? Is that his dwelling?”

“No, Goldilocks,” Todd explained, “it’s a conspiracy theory wrapped up in a historical occult site. We gotta stop there, bro.”

“Stop?” I scoffed. “We’re on our way to battle. Why would we stop now?”

“Because it’s badass, bro,” the imp argued. “It looks like something ripped straight out of an Indiana Jones movie, and it’s the stuff of legends for occult aficionados like moi.”

“I wouldn’t mind a break,” Raphael explained. “I haven’t been able to feel my legs for the last twenty minutes.”

“We haven’t been driving that long,” I shot back.

“We’re all used to flying, Jacob,” Ariel explained. “This is honestly the first time I’ve ever even ridden in a car. Outside of our escape from Heaven, of course.”

“What about you, Aruna?” Todd asked. “You wanna get out and stretch your moneymakers?”

“I’m fine,” the Rakshasi admitted. “This is nothing compared to that job I did in the arctic. For that one, I transformed myself into a child and hid in a sealed barrel for twelve hours while I waited on my target to show up.”

“Soooooo, no?” Todd sighed.

“It’s fine,” I finally conceded. “We can stop for a minute so we can all stretch out. But we can’t stay for long. And I’m not stopping again until we’re closer to the state line, got it?”

“Kapeesh,” Todd said as he shot me a pair of finger guns. “Our only stop for the next two hours.”

“I think it will take more than--”

“Or until we get hungry,” the imp pondered. “When the Toddster gets the munchies, you’d best be stopin’.”

“Okay, so--”

“Or until I have to piss,” Todd continued. “Trust me, Jakey, you don’t want me trying to piss in a bottle while we’re in a moving car. Ever seen a garden hose during an earthquake? It’d be the same situation.”

“Let’s just see where the day takes us,” I chuckled as I signaled and turned into the entrance.

We drove another few miles down a small road, and then we parked in the lot of the monument. There were several school buses already there, and throngs of local children were running toward the trail that led to the main attraction.

As the group was about to get out, I had to whistle loudly for their attention.

“Hold on, guys,” I explained. “We’re not in Hell any more. We should probably try to not stick out like sore thumbs.”

“What do you mean?” Eligor questioned as she adjusted her chain-mail bra.

“First things first,” I continued, “you should probably throw on some clothes. I think Cupi left some of hers in the back the last time we-- well, you know. Anyways, these kiddies don’t need an anatomy lesson.”

“Probably no weapons, either?” Raph added.

“Right,” I said with a nod. “Leave those in the Jeep.”

“That’s why the Toddster always packs light,” Todd snickered as he reached for the door handle. “Or, at least, as light as I can when my schlong weighs as much as a whale’s. Let’s go check this shit out!”

“Todd,” I implored.

The imp spun around and looked at me with confusion on his face.

I raised my eyebrows and looked him up and down.

“Ohhhhhh,” he realized, “I forgot mortals can’t handle this temple of a body I’ve got now. Give me one second. Could you give me some room, Mystique?”

Aruna frowned at the imp, but then she popped open the door and slid out. The second she was gone, Todd hopped up onto the passenger’s seat, did a few stretches, and then cleared his throat.

“Let’s do this shit,” he announced, and then his skin began to bubble as he made Transformers sounds with his mouth.

Slowly, the flesh on his body changed from red to a pale peach color. His legs and arms extended until they were normal human size, his hooves gave way to worn-out converse, and his wiry hair stretched out into a full head of unkempt blond locks. Soon, the Toddster was back in his human form.

“A grifter,” Ariel mused. “Excellent choice for a disguise.”

“Grifter?” Todd gasped with hurt in his voice. “I’ll have you know that this look was the hottest stoner style of the early two-thousands.”

Eligor quickly tossed on an old t-shirt and a pair of shorts from the back of the Jeep, and then we exited the vehicle.

Somehow, some way, the sun was even hotter out here where there was nothing but wide open sand plains as far as the eye could see. The heat was only intensified by the dark black pavement beneath us, and in this moment I was thankful my body was made up of powerful Hellfire magic.

“So, what’s the big deal with this place?” Eligor scoffed as we walked down the pathway toward the main attraction. “And why are there so many children here?”

“It’s a field trip, Goldilocks,” Todd explained. “Those were the best fucking days, when Mrs. Thompson would put down her ruler and chalk and bring us out to someplace cool in the wilderness. It was times like those where I felt like I was truly one with nature, bro.”

“That’s because you’d always sneak off and get high,” I reminded him.

“Excuse me, Mr. Ralston,” Todd said as he threw his voice to sound like our freshman social studies teacher, “but I seem to remember catching you smokin’ the Devil’s Lettuce with that little scamp a time or two.”

“That’s horrifying,” Raphael shuddered.

“What?” Todd asked in his normal voice. “That we were getting high as fuck as freshmen?”

“No,” the Archangel shot back, “the fact you can do that with your voice. Now I’m wondering how many times you’ve used it to prank call me … ”

“I dunno … ” Todd snickered and then changed his voice into that of a seductive woman. “How many times did you have hot local singles in your area calling you for a good time?”

The color drained from Raph’s face as realization set in.

“Y-you--that was you?” the dark-haired man gasped.

“You tell me, ‘Mr. Longpecker,’” the imp in disguise was now on the verge of bursting out with laughter, all while Raphael looked ashamed of himself.

“Todd, did you prank Raph into thinking he was having phone sex?” I asked skeptically.

“Nothing too crazy,” he shot back with a wave of his hand. “It was mostly just describing lingerie and cuddling.”

“Uhhhhhh,” I groaned as I tried to even find the words for this situation. “You do realize what that means, right?”

“That I’m a master prankster?” Todd mused. “Damn straight.”

“No, Todd,” I explained. “It means you were flirting with a dude over the phone.”

“Nooooooooo,” the imp protested, “it was all just a big joke. I wasn’t really doing it.”

“It sounded pretty real to me,” Raph mumbled.

“Did you say ‘no homo’ afterwards?” I prodded the imp.

“Of course not,” Todd shot back. “That’d ruin the whole joke.”

“Then you know what that means … ” I joked coyly.

Todd rubbed his blond goatee as he thought about it, and then his eyes went wide. His mouth fell agape as he slapped his hands against his cheeks and let out a sound of shock.

“N-No!” he gasped. “That can’t be true! First it was the giant-ass spider-guy’s penis, and now this?”

“Spider-guy’s penis?” Ariel questioned aloud.

“It’s a long story,” I explained. “An assassin went kablooey, and his dead body’s junk hit Todd in the face.”

Todd shoved his hands in his pocket and murmured underneath his breath.

“Does it count if I say it now?” the imp asked as we finally approached the monument.

“Hey, that’s on you,” I admitted and threw my hands in the air. “You gotta figure that one out. In the meantime, we’re here.”

We walked down a small dirt trail for about half a mile, until we finally came to the foot of a large rock formation towering over the ground. The cliffy formation was made up of light brown rock that was textured like the back of an alligator and jutted out in varying degrees of depth.

The bottom of the rocky structure was covered with wiry foliage, bushes, and trees, probably to deter tourists from trying to climb it. Then, about halfway up the cliff, stood its most prominent feature.

There, carved into the side of the cliff, was a small castle. It was made out of the same light brown rock as the surrounding formation and shaped into a sort of flat-topped, three-tiered structure. Small window openings appeared at random intervals, and I could just barely make out the sets of stairs that led up to the castle from the nearby ground.

“This is it, bro,” Todd whistled. “This was where first contact was made.”

“First contact?” Aruna asked. “First contact with what?”

“Some people call ‘em martians, some call ‘em ancient gods … ” the imp in disguise mused in awe. “I like to call them little gray men. This is where the aliens tried to settle, bros and bro-ettes. But then the Native Americans drove them away.”

Our entire group all exchanged glances of skepticism, but we refrained from laughing. Todd was so into this, and none of us wanted to ruin it for him. Then I overheard a nearby second grader run off to his tour group.

“The aliens built this!” he exclaimed proudly to his teacher. “Did you know aliens built that?”

“I don’t think that’s true, Jimmy,” the teacher chuckled. “It was built by the ancient Native Americans so they had a permanent home and could stay out of the sun.”

“But Shaggy just said it was aliens,” the little boy sighed. “Shaggy would never lie, not even for a Scooby Snack.”

That was it. I couldn’t help it any more. I doubled over and started to laugh hysterically. That was enough to get the rest of the group to release their bemusement, as well.

Todd just threw his hands on his hips and shot us all a dirty glare.

“You laugh now, but that kid knows what’s up,” he scoffed and turned toward the group of second graders. “Don’t let the man ever tell you you’re wrong, kiddos!”

The teacher gave the imp in disguise a horrified look, and then she quickly shooed the children away in the opposite direction.

“You’re both wrong,” Raphael said with a coy smile. “The Divine built this place as a covert base sometime back in the bronze age. We needed to keep tabs on a large group of Skinwalkers who had threatened to break their pact of neutrality.”

“Fuck Skinwalkers,” I shuddered as I remembered the horrific creatures we’d faced back when we were first starting out.

“So, no aliens?” Todd asked sadly.

Raphael crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Todd,” he mused. “Aliens aren’t real.”

“Oh, of course not,” the imp grumbled as he turned and headed back toward the car. “Skinwalkers, demons, angels, and chupacabras are all real, but aliens? No way, bro … ”

“I hope I didn’t upset him too much,” Raph said with a shrug.

“He’ll be fine,” I promised as I turned around and stared at the desert landscape. “I can see why you guys wanted to set up base here. The view from up top must be amazing.”

“Only one way to find out,” Aruna cooed, and then she looked around to make sure nobody was watching.

“What are you--” I started, but then was cut off by the sound of ectoplasmic magic bubbling across the Rakshasi’s skin.

Black ectoplasm engulfed the assassin’s entire figure, and then her body began to morph. Her legs became short and yellow with large talons, and feathers began to grow out of every inch of her skin. Aruna’s arms spread out as they turned into wings, and her face elongated into a pointed beak.

When all was said and done, the Rakshasi had turned into a falcon.

Without another word, the newly-transformed Aruna let out a caw of happiness and then took off into the sky. Her body became little more than a dot in the distance as she flew up to the very top of the structure. Once she was level with the roof, the falcon’s body was engulfed with ectoplasm again, and she turned back into her normal self. Aruna gave us a playful wave from the top of Montezuma’s Castle, and now I knew we needed to join her.

“Todd!” I whistled to the imp, who was now almost halfway down the trail. “You wanna get up there?”

From off in the distance, I could see his entire demeanor change. He lifted his head up into the air as his body became more relaxed, and then the imp in disguise ran back over to us as quickly as he could.

I summoned green Hellfire into my hands as I looked around slyly.

“What are you doing?” Ariel gasped. “Won’t that give us away?”

“Mortals can’t see the green Hellfire,” I explained with a smirk.

I extended my hands and instantly engulfed all five of us with emerald flames. Then I closed my eyes and pictured Aruna at the top of the castle, sitting up there all alone, probably mocking us for not having shape-shifting powers. I felt my body become weightless as I traveled through space and time, but then I felt my feet hit rocky ground.

I forced my eyes open and saw we were all currently standing atop the sandy brown castle, looking out at the sprawling desert before us.

“Damn,” I mused. “It is beautiful up here.”

“Seeeeee?” Todd snickered. “Sometimes the Toddster’s ideas are gold, bro.”

“More people are coming,” Eligor warned. “Off in the distance.”

The six of us stood up and then slowly climbed down to the upper wall, where our heads just barely stood above the sides of the structure.

“There,” I chuckled as we watched another group of school children approach the viewing area. “Now we can stay up here as long as we want, no questions asked.”

“Unfortunately, no,” Eligor reminded me. “We need to be in Cortez by nightfall if we want to cut off the Order of the Exalted.”

“Yeah, I know,” I admitted, “but it’s hard to pull yourself away from this view.”

“So, like, are there all sorts of hidden messages in this place?” Todd asked Raphael. “Like, if you or Little Mermaid or Jakey were to blast the wall with Divine Light, would a secret passage open up or some shit like that?”

“I have no clue,” Raph explained. “And I really, really don’t want to destroy one of Earth Realm’s ancient relics trying to figure it out.”

“Fair enough,” Todd mused.

We sat up on top of the wall for a few more minutes as we watched the people down below. There were several park rangers leading tours, along with daily hikers who stopped to take a selfie in front of the castle in the cliff. Finally, I heard a loud grumble from my left.

“Sorry about that, bro,” Todd apologized. “I haven’t eaten in two full hours, so my tummy’s gettin’ a little hangry.”

“Only two hours ago?” I mused. “And you’re already hungry again? How is that even possible?”

“It’s all those years of weed munchies, bro,” the imp in disguise explained. “My body’s become so used to consuming large amounts of calories every few hours that it shuts down when I don’t get my fill.”

“That’s not a real thing,” Ariel said as she rolled her eyes.

“Is that a risk you wanna take?” Todd asked sinisterly. “The only thing worse than a bored Todd is a hangry Todd.”

“Alright,” I conceded. “We can grab some food in the next town we find. But for now, let’s get out of here before somebody sees us. Everybody hang on.”

I closed my eyes, summoned green Hellfire into my hands, and then blasted it around my friends. In my mind, I pictured the interior of Shadow, and I pictured the six of us teleporting there via Hellfire magic. The next thing I knew, my body went weightless, and then I felt the leather seats of the jeep under my rear. I opened my eyes and saw that we were all back in our original seats.

Well, except for Todd and Aruna.

The imp was still in his human form, so he was scrunched up uncomfortably on the Rakshasi’s lap.

“Get … off … of me,” Aruna growled.

“I would if you’d stop struggling,” Todd shot back. “Here, just let me--”

Before he could finish his response, Aruna’s body glowed with black ectoplasm, and then she morphed into a small housecat. Todd fell backward onto the seat comically before he sat forward, brushed his greasy blond hair out of his face, and sighed.

“I was totally gonna change myself,” he explained. “No reason to be a pussy about it.”

The cabin of the Jeep let out a collective groan at the terrible joke.

“I’m here ‘till Tuesday, bro,” he chuckled as his skin began to bubble.

A few seconds later, and the Toddster was back in his imp form. He leaned back in the passenger seat, reached out, and patted the Aruna-cat on the head. The cat let out a loud hiss, and Todd retracted his hand with lightning-fast speed.

“I don’t think she likes that,” Raphael observed matter-of-factly.

“If I had a dollar for every time I’d heard that one,” the imp mumbled. “Anyways, let’s go get some grub!”

I twisted on the ignition, backed the car out of the parking space, and then headed back onto the highway. We traveled down the semi-busy interstate for about thirty miles, until we found the nearest small town. We pulled off on the exit and began our hunt for food.

“What’s everyone feeling like eating?” I asked the group.

“Is that even a question, Jakey?” Todd mused. “Anything that’s greasy, fried, and or chocolate. Preferably all of the above.”

“I don’t care,” Ariel admitted, “as long as I can get a salad or a superfood mix.”

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that, LM,” Todd warned.

“What about that place?” Raphael spoke up from the back. “Tex’s Chicken? Surely you can’t go wrong with a place that sells poultry.”

“I like the way you think, Raphey!” Todd exclaimed. “You heard the Archangel. To the chicken palace!”

As we pulled up to the restaurant, I noticed just how run-down it looked. The building was shaped so it looked like a kid’s meal box, with little handles at the top and bright colors all over, including a logo with a cartoonish yellow chicken with an oversized cowboy hat. The red and yellow paint on the exterior was flaking off in large clumps, while the logo was fading and the windows looked like they hadn’t been washed in weeks.

“Are we sure it’s even open?” Eligor asked. “It looks deserted.”

“Ohhhhh, no,” Todd said as he rubbed his hands together excitedly. “That just means its fucking incredible. The places that look the shittiest always have the best food.”

“And usually a moderate risk of food poisoning,” I reminded him. “But it’s almost always worth the risk.”

We pulled up to the speaker and inspected the menu as it crackled to life.

“Yeeeehaw, welcome to Tex’s Chicken,” a monotone voice mumbled from the other side. “What can I get ‘y’all’ today?”

“What do you think, guys?” I asked the group. “Do we just wanna get a bunch of stuff and split it up?”

“Fine by me,” Raphael said with a nod. “As long as we all get equal portions, of course.”

“Commie bastard,” Todd joked, but then went silent when Raph shot him a death glare.

“What about you, Ariel?” I laughed as I glanced back at the redhead in the mirror. “Do you think you can stomach anything on this menu?”

“They appear to have grilled options.” She shrugged. “One of those with a side salad and water would be a-okay with me. I eat paleo.”

“Of course you do,” Todd snickered.

“Alright,” I said, “everyone else okay with the greasy combos?”

“You know it, bro,” Todd said as he slapped his potbelly.

“Okay,” I announced into the speaker, “we’ll take a grilled chicken combo with a salad and a water. And then give us the ‘mega pack’ of tenders and five sides of french fries.”

“And a large chocolate shake,” Todd whispered.

“And two large chocolate shakes,” I explained and then turned to the cabin. “Anyone else want one?”

Cat-Aruna meowed loudly.

“Make that three--”

“I would like one, too, Jacob,” Raphael whispered.

“Why not?” Eligor added.

“Make that five large chocolate shakes,” I sighed.

“Don’t you dare forget the biscuits, bro,” Todd warned. “Or the mashed potatoes.”

“How am I supposed to eat mashed potatoes while I’m driving?” I shot back at the imp.

“You leave that to your wingman over here,” he reassured me. “I’ll fucking feed you like a baby bird if I have to, just get those microwaved potatoes!”

“And a large order of mashed potatoes and biscuits,” I announced into the speaker. “That will complete our order.”

“Cool,” the monotone voice sighed. “Your total comes to fifty-six eighty. Pull around.”

As we rolled up to the first window, I saw why the employee was so disengaged.

A teenage boy in a stained yellow polo stood at the drive-thru. He was completely zoned out on his phone when we pulled up, and then he stuck out his hand lazily. I handed him my card, and his eyes never left his screen as he swiped it, ripped off the receipt, and then placed them both back in my hand.

“Have a nice day,” he mumbled as we pulled away.

We moved up to the next window, where an overly-enthusiastic employee handed us a giant bag with the “Tex’s Chicken” logo on it, followed by a drink holder containing all of our shakes. Instantly, the cabin of Shadow was filled with the smell of greasy, spicy chicken tenders, and my mouth began to water.

Todd took charge of the drinks, while the passengers in the back got the large bag.

I pulled out of the parking lot as quickly as I could and then got us back on the main highway, back toward our destination.

“Alright, Jakey,” Todd explained. “This is just like our trips back to Lallapalooza in high school. You focus on driving, and the co-pilot will focus on getting that delicious grub in your gullet.”

I glanced over and saw Todd had laid out a small package of fries in front of the cat-Aruna, who was gobbling them down intensely.

“Come on, dude … ” I sighed. “Salt and grease all over the leather seats?”

“It’ll clean out.” He shrugged. “Besides, look at how content your little girlfriend is over here.”

“My goodness … ” Raphael gasped as he crunched into a chicken tender, “you were right, Todd. This is the best chicken I’ve ever eaten. And I’ve dined with the Exalted One!”

Eligor handed Todd another small bag of fries, and he placed it delicately in the small cubby of the Jeep’s console. Then he snatched a napkin, wrapped it around a few chicken tenders, and then placed it next to the fries.

“There ya go, Jakey,” he mused. “Now you can eat ‘em at your leisure.”

“Thanks, bro,” I chuckled and grabbed a handful of fries.

The small ribbons of fried potato were golden-yellow, warm, and greasy to the touch. As I placed them into my mouth, my taste buds lit up with a mixture of grease and salt.

“Here, bro,” Todd pleaded. “You gotta take a swig of this shake. That’s always the best way to wash down your greasy-ass fries.”

The imp placed one of the large styrofoam cups in the center cup-holder and then stabbed a thin red straw into it.

I grabbed the shake, wrapped my lips around the straw, and inhaled. The sweet, cold sensation of the chocolate ice cream was the perfect counter to the oil and salt of the french fries, and my eyes rolled back in my head.

“I haven’t had a good shake in forever,” I groaned. “Those were surprisingly in short supply down in Hell.”

“I’ll admit,” Eligor spoke up, “this shit is really good. Much better than vargrat, that’s for sure.”

“So, Raphey, back to your last comment,” Todd pondered as he gulped down another chicken tender. “What’s the big guy upstairs like? Is he some old dude with a white beard and bushy white hair like in all the pictures?”

“Not even close,” the Archangel explained through a mouthful of mashed potatoes. “Much like Lucifer, the Exalted One appears to you in whatever form he finds the most appropriate at the time.”

“Wait … ” I gasped. “Is that why nobody has ever really ‘seen’ Lucifer? Because he appears differently to everyone he encounters.”

“Precisely,” Raph continued. “In fact, I would be shocked if you hadn’t already encountered him, with you being in Hell for six months and all.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” I admitted as I picked up a chicken tender.

I bit down into the greasy morsel and its crispy, spiced breading nearly melted in my mouth. The meat of the chicken was ridiculously juicy, and I almost wondered if it had liquified in my mouth. I scarfed down the rest of my fries and the tenders and washed it down with another sweet swig of shake.

“I wouldn’t worry too much about it, Jacob,” Eligor explained. “As Superbia and I told you, if Lucifer really wanted you dead, he would have killed you by now. Surely he’s been keeping a close eye on all or our endeavors.”

“Great … ” I sighed. “That’s just what we’d need. The literal Devil on our asses.”

I paused and waited to be corrected, to be told I should call him “Lucifer,” but nothing came. It was strange traveling without my succubi, but I knew they were off making strides in both of my Earth Realm and Hellish affairs.

“How’s that gym rat meal going for ya, LM?” Todd asked as he whipped around in his seat and looked at Ariel.

“It’s delicious,” she explained. “Unfortunately, it’s a little too much for me. I’m gonna have to go on a two mile run just to work this off.”

“Meanwhillllle,” Todd snickered as he turned back around, “I’m gonna smash this whole chocolate shake in a single gulp. Check this out.”

The imp threw his mouth around the straw of his shake, exhaled through his nose, and then inhaled intensely. As he did so, an obnoxious slurping sound filled the cabin of the vehicle. Todd’s expression grew determined as he continued to try and suck down the ice cream in one go. Finally, his eyes grew wide, and he released the straw from his lips.

“Fuckin’ brain freeze!” he growled as he grabbed his head.

“Who ever could have seen that coming?” I joked.

“Here you go, Jacob,” Raphael interjected from the back seat as he held up a small packet with the Tex’s Chicken logo on it. “These biscuits are to die for. Plus, maybe they’ll help with Todd’s brain freeze.”

I snatched the package from the Archangel’s hand, unwrapped it, and popped one of the hand-made biscuits into my mouth whole. Instantly, it crumbled into what seemed like a million pieces and felt like a buttery explosion against my tongue. I swallowed down the last bits of the dish as I passed the second one to Todd.

The imp grabbed the biscuit, tossed it into his mouth, and swallowed it whole. He then fell back onto his ass, wiped his forehead, and let out a loud “whew.”

The cat-Aruna beside him let out a frustrated meow, and the imp raised his wiry eyebrows.

“Yeah, yeah,” he mumbled. “You still need your shake. Here.”

The imp grabbed the last cup in the holder, popped off the lid, and then held it at an angle.

Aruna let out a happy chirp, stuck the entire front half of her face into the cup, and began to lap up the shake happily.

We continued scarfing down the various foods until it was finally all gone. At one point, Todd tried to spoon-feed me mashed potatoes while I was driving, but a bump on the road stopped that real quick. Instead of eating the delicious, buttery potatoes, my friend got them all over his lap.

When all was said and done, the car was filled with miserable groans of an overstuffed team. Even Aruna, in her cat form, laid lazily against the passenger’s seat as she made over exhausted wheezing sounds.

We drove down the highway for another four hours, with my friends swapping stories of their various adventures in between bouts of snoozing and singing along to the tunes on the radio.

Then, along the side of the road, I saw the sign.

Welcome to Cortez, CO.

I knew this was a small town, but I had no idea just how small it really was.

Nightfall was upon us as we drove down the main drag of the town, with its gas stations, fast food joints, and run-down inns. There wasn’t a single car out on the road, and the whole place felt like a modern-day ghost town.

“I don’t like this one bit,” I announced as I gripped the steering wheel tightly. “Where the fuck is everybody?”

“It’s a small desert town on a weekday night, Jakey,” Todd explained. “They’re probably all locked away in their homes watching Wheel of Fortune or some shit like that.”

“I don’t think that’s--” I started, but then I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.

“Jacob!” Ariel gasped. “Watch out!”

No sooner had the angel’s warning left her lips did a blast of red Hellfire strike the road directly in front of our vehicle.

I twisted the wheel around as I tried to keep control of the Jeep, but we still did a total one-eighty and ended up on the opposite side of the road.

“What the fuck was that?” I demanded as I scanned the night for any sign of our assailant.

Suddenly, the cat in the passenger seat was surrounded in ectoplasm and turned back into Aruna. The Rakshasi wasted no time in tossing open the Jeep door, ducking down, and then combat rolling out into the road. As she popped back up to her feet, the assassin spun around and unleashed her Chakram into the night.

Sparks flew as it struck a nearby building, and I saw the shadow of a distinct robed figure take off like a bat out of Hell.

“Guys,” Aruna announced, “we’ve got a runner.”

The Rakshasi took off after the assailant on foot, and I kicked the Jeep into gear.

“Let’s go catch these bastards,” I growled as I slammed down on the gas pedal and launched us into action.

Chapter 13

“Easy on the turns there, bro,” Todd gagged as our vehicle whipped around the corner of a side road. “Unless you want Shadow’s interior to be painted with a fresh coat of ‘imp’s last meal.’”

Normally, I would have made a snarky comment or laughed at Todd’s jokes, but now was not the time for goofing off. Aruna and I both had one of the Order of the Exalted’s fuckers in our sights, and we weren’t gonna let him get away.

“Jacob,” Raphael spoke up from the back seat. “You must know that this is a trap.”

“Probably,” I admitted, “but that’s why I was sure to bring along my airborne allies. You guys get out there and make sure they’re not trying to ambush us. And if they are, you know what to do.”

“This is always the most fun part of our adventures,” Eligor mused, and then she turned around and hung her torso over the seat.

It took everything in my power to keep myself from staring at the fallen angel’s ass as she rummaged through the back, but I managed to keep my eyes on the road.

Aruna was doing a form of crazy parkour as she chased after the cultist, and she was gaining on him fast. The Rakshasi propelled herself off a brick wall, spun around, and unleashed her deadly chakram.

There was a quick flash of midnight blue as freezing Hellfire struck the weapon and halted it in midair.

The assassin, however, didn’t let it discourage her. She somersaulted off a dumpster and twisted her body as she snatched the weapon out of the air, and then she kept her momentum as she hit the ground running.

“She’s really good,” Ariel whistled. “I need to invite her to do P90X with me sometime.”

“The best money can buy,” I noted as I swerved down another street.

“Alright, Raph,” Eligor announced as she tied her weapons belt around her bare waist. “You ready to hit the skies?”

“Can an albatross travel ten-thousand miles in a single journey? The answer, of course, is yes!” the Archangel shot back in a seemingly badass tone.

“Raphey, we gotta work on your one-liners,” Todd said queasily.

The next thing I knew, the rear passenger’s side door flew open, and Eligor and Raph rolled out onto the street. As I glanced back in my side mirror, I saw their angel wings sprout from their backs with a flash of white light, and then they darted up into the sky.

I made a violent right turn, and the open door slammed shut on its own.

“Why are we going this way, Jakey?” Todd asked as he leaned his head out the window like a dog. “The cat-lady and our bogey are still headed north.”

“We’re going to cut them off,” I explained. “Raph and Eligor are our eyes from above, right guys?”

“Right, Jacob,” Eligor’s voice crackled through the communicator I’d had her install on her belt. “They just turned and are headed west.”

I whipped the vehicle around so we were now headed back north.

“How are we looking, guys?” I asked desperately.

“You look to be on the right path,” Eligor admitted, “but you’ll need to go much faster if you want to cut him off.”

I floored the gas, and Shadow’s wheels screeched against the asphalt of the road as we shot down the street at breakneck speeds.

“Something’s not sitting right with me,” Ariel fretted. “We’re making all sorts of noise. I’m not one-hundred percent sure how it works on Earth Realm, but up in Heaven we’d have cops all over us by now. Also, why doesn’t it look like there are any lights on?”

“We’ll figure that out in a minute,” I growled as we approached the intersection. “Right now, I just want to catch this bastard.”

“You’re coming in too hot!” Eligor’s voice warned through the other side of the communicator. “Hit the brakes now!”

I slammed down on the brake pedal, and smoke shot up from beneath the Jeep as it screeched to a halt in the dead center of the intersection.

Right in front of the fleeing bastard.

I saw his eyes go wide for a brief second before he slammed into the nose of Shadow, flipped into the air, and then tumbled along the ground violently for a few feet. He tried to pull himself back up onto his knees, but the heel of Aruna’s foot slammed him forcefully back down into the ground.

I pulled Shadow over into an empty parking spot along the side of the road, and then my friends and I hopped out of the car and dashed over to the scene.

Aruna now had the blade of her bhuj pinned against the back of the fucker’s head as he writhed beneath her foot.

“It was Jacob Ralston!” he exclaimed. “I don’t know who you are, but he made me do it! My glorious leader ordered us to kill all those men in the community center. If we didn’t, he was going to feed us to that demented imp of his!”

“Now hold just the fuck up there, buddy,” Todd hissed as we approached. “I can’t even stand to have my steak medium rare, let alone human flesh!”

The robed man looked over at me, and his mouth spread into a wide grin. He had gashes and bruises all over his face, and it looked like his nose was broken out of place.

“Master!” he gasped through a mouthful of blood. “I’m so glad to see you here. We finished off the Cult of Mammon and destroyed all of the heretics in the city, just like you asked!”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I snarled as I unsheathed the black combat knife from its sheath.

“Please don’t be mad, King Ralston,” the cultist was now practically begging. “Please don’t smite me as you did my brothers in Phoenix. I submit to your divine glory!”

“Shut the fuck up,” I commanded, and then I kicked the bastard in the face. “Who sent you? Where are the rest of the Order?”

“You sent me, my king,” the man blubbered and spat out another mouthful of blood.

“Cut the shit, OE scum,” Aruna demanded as she pressed the man back into the ground. “Where are the rest of your brethren?”

Suddenly, the street lights around me went out, one-by-one.

“Ah, shit,” Todd sighed. “They’re totally Batman-ing us, bro.”

I summoned red Hellfire into my hands and tried to light our surroundings, but I couldn’t see much beyond a few feet in front of my face.

Suddenly, the street lights came back on, and I gasped in shock.

There were at least one-hundred men surrounding our position. They all wore dark gray robes with a large “OE” logo written in Greek letters, and each one of them had eyes that were lit up with a glowing yellow light.

“Bravo, Jacob Ralston,” a snooty, nasally voice mocked. “Truly a performance for the ages.”

I turned around just as one of the robed men stepped forward and pulled off his hood. I recognized him immediately as Russo Cancio, the centuries-old leader of the Order of the Exalted.

“Cancio,” I growled and took a fighting stance.

The cult leader let out a high-pitched, mocking “ohhh,” as he glanced around at his followers.

“It looks like I have a fan, boys,” he snickered, and they all followed like a horde of mindless zombies. “It’s so nice to finally meet you, Mr. Ralston. That’s enough, Luca.”

“Thank fuck,” the man underneath Aruna’s boot said as he changed his whole demeanor. “That whole ‘grovlin’ for my life’ shit was getting old.”

“Enough for what?” I demanded, but then I saw my answer.

A few of the cultists who were standing next to Cancio had their phones out, and they were all pointed in my direction.

My heart dropped as I realized what was going on. They fucking got me on tape, interacting with one of my “followers” who was confessing to mass murder in my name.

Without so much as a warning, I roared and blasted a flurry of red Hellfire in the direction of the cultists. Unfortunately, these guys were all too prepared, and they threw up a wall of purple Hellfire to dispel my attack.

“My, my,” Cancio chuckled. “You’re every bit as brash as I’ve heard. Unfortunately, I’m gonna have to cut our little visit short.”

The leader snapped his fingers, and instantly all of the surrounding cultists’ hands lit up like wildfire.

“Wait, Cancio!” the man beneath Aruna’s boot begged. “I’m still in the--”

Before he could finish his sentence, the rest of his brethren unleashed their attacks on us.

I threw out a dome of violet Hellfire around the four of us and fell to the ground as we were assaulted by Hellfire of all colors. Even though my shield was holding up, I could tell these bastards were way stronger than any of the regular cultists I was used to facing.

Aruna pulled back her bhuj, intent on finishing off the man beneath her foot.

“Hold it, Tony the Tiger!” Todd exclaimed. “Don’t kill him yet. We need him to talk, remember?”

“I’ll never betray my brethren!” the man screamed over the sounds of the spells crashing against the barrier. “Go to Hell, imp.”

“Already been there,” the imp said with a shrug. “And you’re really gonna defend the guys who were about to light you up like a firecracker?”

“I will never conspire with the Divine,” he reiterated. “Long live Beelzebub and his new order!”

“Testify, or I’ll eat your face off,” Todd snarled. “Remember how I said I hated raw meat? Well, I lied. I cut my steaks straight from the cow, bro.”

“I said, go to H--”

Todd lashed out at the cultist with his claws, and the man let out a shriek as his left eyeball was ripped from its socket.

“Eligor!” I called out as I felt my shield begin to weaken. “You guys seeing this?’

There was some static from the other side, but otherwise nothing.

“Maybe it doesn’t work through the Hellfire?” Ariel asked with a hint of terror in her voice.

“They should be here by now,” I observed. “There’s no way they haven’t seen this fireworks display.”

As if right on cue, I heard the sound of machine gun fire from above.

A few of the cultists went down as their brains exploded from the back of their head. Some of them turned their attention to the sky, but most of the fuckers refused to let up the assault.

Then, on the other side, I saw a giant pillar of stone burst forth from the ground, enchanted with lime green Hellfire. A second pillar shot up just on the other side of the cultists, and then they quickly moved toward each other. Screams of agony rang out through the air as several more of the cultists were crushed between the rocky tendrils of Eligor’s magic.

Thanks to the cavalry, most of our assailants were either dead or distracted. We had to move now.

I looked over at Aruna and Ariel and gave them a slight nod.

The redheaded angel summoned her Divine claws, while the Rakshasi readied her bhuj and her chakram.

“Todd,” I ordered, “you make sure dickless here doesn’t go anywhere.”

“Aye, aye, Jakey!” the imp agreed, and then he hopped onto the fucker’s head feet-first.

“On three,” I commanded. “One … two … three!”

I let go of my protective spell as all Hell broke loose. Shots of yellow, blue, red, silver, and green Hellfire rocketed past my position as I ran toward the nearest line of cultists. I quickly created a large shield of purple around my one hand and used it to deflect spells as I approached. At the same time, I summoned emerald flames into my free hand and teleported the Unhallowed Sword out of the trunk of Shadow and into my possession.

I dispelled a blast of blue Hellfire, and then I spun around and lopped a cultist’s head off with the swing of my blade. As his viscera geysered out of his neck and splashed onto his friends, I skewered the second bastard through the chest. Then I spun around with his body still attached and used him as a human shield.

The fucker screamed as chucks of his body were melted off his bones and his back was turned into an enchanted pincushion.

I heaved him forward so his body knocked down a small group of cultists. I was forced to throw up a shield of purple as I finished off the guys on the ground with my sword, but then I turned my attention to the few remaining enemies in my quadrant.

There were six men left in my immediate vicinity, and I had forced their backs literally up against the wall. A brick wall, to be exact.

I summoned green Hellfire into my hand as I dispelled their blasts and engulfed the wall behind them with my telekinetic magic. I closed my open fists, and dozens of individual bricks shot out of the wall and smashed them in the back of their heads.

My enemies stumbled forward, dazed, and I made sure I finished them off quickly.

The first one got my new combat knife straight through his eye socket, while the second one took the point of the Unhallowed Sword through his stomach. In one fell swoop, I spun around, stabbed the combat knife into the temple of the next cultist, and then blasted another one in the face with red Hellfire.

The last two opponents raised their enchanted hands in a panic, but they weren’t even close to being quick enough.

I called forth purple Hellfire and tossed the protective spell around their hands just as they released their attack.

The two men screamed in pain as their hands were incinerated by their own attack, and then I took them both out with two swift swings of my sword.

As I wiped the blood off my weapons, I tried to take in the rest of the battlefield.

Aruna’s chakram was causing absolute chaos as it zipped around on its own, slicing up tendons and slitting throats. The Rakshasi herself was engaged in hand-to-hand combat with several of the cultists, who had now drawn enchanted daggers.

Meanwhile, Ariel was acrobatically tossing around cultists with her legs like they were little more than ragdolls. Every few seconds, she’d halt her momentum and stab her claws through the fleshy meat of some poor fucker’s body.

Up above, Raphael was blasting at the Order of the Exalted with a mixture of Divine Light and a hailstorm of bullets from his FAMAS. At the same time, the Archangel was turning around on his wings and dodging the attacks coming his way.

Then there was Eligor. As I looked in her direction, the blonde knight stabbed her two swords through the skull of one of the cultists up on a nearby roof. Then, she held onto the hilts, threw up her foot, and kicked the guy’s body off the side.

As he plummeted to the ground, I glanced over at Todd. The imp was still standing on top of the downed cultist’s head, cackling maniacally as he jumped up and down on it like it was a trampoline.

He was having way too much fun with this.

Then everything stopped.

The spells stopped shooting, weapons stopped clashing, and even the wildlife in the desert seemed to go silent.

There were still about fifty or so cultists left alive, and they seemed to go into a trance-like state in unison. They all called forth large purple shields in front of their person, and then they slowly began to back up and form a perimeter around us.

“I don’t like this, guys!” I exclaimed. “Everybody get back-to-back, now!”

Eligor, Ariel, Raph, and Aruna all dashed back to the spot where Todd was standing, and I wasn’t far behind. The six of us stood there as we held our weapons at the ready and waited for whatever was about to happen next.

As we waited, the cultists formed a large circle around us and then fused their violet spell together to form one large, ring-like wall.

That’s when we heard the sound. It started off as a distant hum, similar to the sound a hummingbird makes when it flaps its wings. Then, as it grew closer, the droning noise seemed to fill the entire landscape as it rattled our eardrums.

“It--It can’t be … ” Raphael gasped.

A lanky shadow with two massive, curved wings appeared above us and then floated down to the ground. This thing had to have been at least eight feet tall, with dark green flesh and two short, thick black horns that curved out like a goat’s. As he landed, his wings wrapped around him like a royal cloak, and his eyes narrowed atop his beak-like nose.

“Beelzebub,” Raphael growled.

“Raphael?” the King of the Eighth Circle mused. “You’re a long way from Heaven, my old friend. And hanging out with a so-called Demon King? What happened to you, Archangel?”

“Jacob is nothing like your lot,” Raph shot back.

“No, I suppose he’s not,” Beelzebub sighed. “If he was, Baphomet and I wouldn’t be trying to kill him, now would we?”

“You’re Beelzebub?” I scoffed, even though my heart was in my throat. “I didn’t expect the mighty King of the Eighth Circle to be such a string bean.”

The demon raised an eyebrow at me as he took in my words. Then a devilish smile spread across his face, and he began to roar with laughter.

“Your wit is amusing,” he admitted, “but it’s not going to get under my skin like it did with that oaf, Azazel.”

“I’m more surprised that you’re here,” Raphael mused. “You’ve never been one to do your own dirty work.”

“You know me too well, Raphael,” the demon snickered and crossed his arms over his chest. “The truth is, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to. I figured Cancio and his men would be competent enough to get the job done on their own, but I should have known better. They are going up against the King of the Fourth Circle, the mortal who killed Azazel, after all.”

“So, it’s a fight you want?” I growled. “I’ll be more than glad to give you that.”

“Not really a fight,” the King of the Eighth Circle said as he yawned and looked at his claws disinterestedly. “More like, evening the odds. You’ve killed far too many of my men for--”

The words of the Demon King were cut off by the sound of Aruna’s chakram slicing through the air. The enchanted weapon swirled like a UFO as it flew around, turned in the sky, and aimed directly for the bastard’s throat.

Beelzebub simply held out his hand and caught it as if it were a harmless frisbee.

“You’ve got gusto, assassin,” he laughed. “If you somehow survive my wrath, I’ll have to hire you sometime.”

Then the King of the Eighth Circle placed his other hand on the chakram, held it out in front of him, and snapped it in half like a twig.

There was a short burst of black ectoplasm and smoke as the weapon broke in half, and then Beelzebub tossed it to the side.

Aruna let out a primal scream of rage as she charged the demon with her bhuj at the ready.

“Fucking hell,” I groaned. “Let’s show this bastard what a real king can do!”

Raph, Eligor, Ariel, and I all charged at Beelzebub, prepared to go in for the kill.

Unfortunately for us, the Lord of the Flies was quick on his feet. He raised his wings out so they were parallel with the ground, and I saw the damn things glint in the light of the street lamps.

“Get the fuck down!” I ordered my friends.

Beelzebub began to spin around as quickly as he could, and his movement kicked up dirt as he turned his wings and whole body into a deadly buzzsaw.

I hit the deck just as the razor-sharp wings passed over my head, and then I lashed out at the fucker’s feet with my sword.

Beelzebub halted his momentum instantly as he leaned his body backward and struck me in the face with his fist.

I stumbled backward, and Beelezbub seemed to summon a bow out of thin air. Then he called forth an arrow of pure Hellfire, put it against the string, and released.

I tossed out a shield of purple just as the arrow would have hit my chest, and I felt myself being tossed backward violently. I smashed into the wall of a nearby building, fell forward, and landed on my knees.

As I looked up, I saw all of my friends were attacking the King of the Eighth Circle.

Todd was throwing small fireballs from afar, while Ariel and Aruna were striking at him with their blades. Raphael and Eligor remained at a distance as they shot blasts of Divine Light and Hellfire at him, respectively.

But nothing seemed to hurt him.

Beelzebub had his wings back over his body, and all of the attacks were bouncing off as if they were made of rubber. Most chilling of all, however, was the Demon King’s expression.

His eyes were cold and dark, and they were locked directly on me. He paid my friends no attention as he began to walk in my direction and continued to shrug off their attacks.

“Son of a bitch,” I mused as I pulled my aching body back to my feet.

Once he was about one-hundred feet away, I used my green fire to pick up a large metal dumpster and hurl it at the bastard. Just like my friends’ attacks, it bounced right off his wings without leaving so much as a scratch.

Now, Beelzebub was about fifty feet away from me, and he threw open his wings like a cobra throws open its hood. Instantly, another Hellfire arrow rocketed toward my position, and I rolled away just as the wall behind me exploded into ash and dust.

I came up with a blast of yellow shuriken, but Beelzebub was quick to throw his wing back over his body.

But apparently not quick enough.

He let out a grunt of pain as a few of the tiny yellow throwing stars struck his arm, but then his face contorted back into its emotionless state.

That was it. I just had to wait until he opened himself up to attack.

Unfortunately, with the distance between us, that also meant I had to get up close and personal with the King of the Eighth Circle.

I tightened my grip on the Unhallowed Sword, threw a wave of purple armor over my body, and then let out a battle cry as I ran toward Beelzebub.

He reared back his bow again and launched another flaming projectile in my direction.

I leapt over the attack, closed the gap, and then plunged my sword into his right shoulder.

Beelzebub let out an inhuman hiss as the enchanted weapon burned his flesh, and for a moment, I thought I had him right where I wanted him.

I was wrong.

“Fool!” he cackled through his pain, and then he summoned another flaming arrow into his hand.

Before I had a chance to react, he stabbed the arrow into the back of my leg.

White-hot pain shot through my calf, and I fell down onto one knee in agony.

“Jacob!” I heard Eligor scream, and then I heard my friends’ attacks become more intense.

However, Beelzebub seemed unaffected. He grabbed a tuft of my hair and raised my head so we were looking at each other eye-to-eye.

“Now, that’s what I’d call even,” he sneered. “It’s a shame you won’t see your kingdom razed to the ground and your friends tortured for the rest of eternity. But, small price to pay for--”

“You talk too fucking much,” I hissed as I unloaded all the Divine Light I could muster directly into the Demon King’s chest.

Beelzebub’s body was tossed up into the sky, and then he caught himself on his massive wings. The demon was grimacing in pain, but he was doing his best to hide it from us. His eyes looked crazed as he knocked away more attacks with his powerful wings and floated toward Todd and the cultist.

“Out of my way, imp!” he sneered

“Fuck no, Brundlefly,” Todd shot back proudly. “You’re gonna have to--”

Before he could even finish his sentence, Todd was knocked away with a swing of Beelzebub’s fist. His body slammed into a nearby car, denting it and causing its alarms to go off.

“Todd!” I screamed and began to fire off every spell I knew at the bastard.

“Master!” the cultist exclaimed as he stood up to greet the Demon King. “I knew you wouldn’t leave me behind.”

“Of course not,” Beelzebub mused. “I couldn’t have you testifying to the Divine, now could I?”

Realization spread across the cultist’s face, and he lifted his arms to try and plead with the Demon King.

“Wait, I--”

Beelzebub grabbed his cultist by the throat and then took to the sky. Once he was about one-hundred feet above us, he halted his ascent and hovered in the air. My friends and I were still blasting him with everything we had, but nothing seemed to be getting through those wings.

“I was going to make this easy on you, Ralston,” the King of the Eighth Circle sneered in an amplified voice. “But now? I don’t even know if I want to kill you. I’d much rather watch you suffer.”

“P-Please put me down--” the cultist blubbered, but then his voice was cut short when Beelzebub squeezed his neck.

The man’s head twisted in an awkward way as his spine tore through his flesh, and his tongue flopped out of his mouth. Then the Lord of the Flies tossed him away nonchalantly.

“Good luck clearing your name without your star witness,” he cackled. “Oh, and Jacob? Remember to keep an eye on those you love. You never know when they’re going to be gone.”

“What the fuck are you planning, Beelzebub?” I demanded as I used the Unhallowed Sword to prop myself up onto my feet.

The Demon King just smirked as he summoned green Hellfire into his hands. He snapped his fingers, and instantly he and the rest of his cultists disappeared with a flash of jade fire.

We were alone, once again.

I collapsed down to my knees and slammed my fist into the ground in frustration.

“Fuck!” I roared. “All of this for nothing.”

“At least we know the next part of his plan,” Ariel tried to comfort me as she approached. “That’s not nothing.”

“It’s worse than nothing,” I sighed. “Now, he’s got one of my ‘cultists’ with me on tape, confessing to all the murders that went down here.”

I heard Todd’s voice say something from the wrecked car, but it was too weak to understand.

“What was that, Todd?” Raphael asked curiously.

Aruna appeared at my other side, and she and Ariel helped me up. With their assistance, we made our way over to where the imp was laying in a heap.

Todd was still alive, but he was pretty battered and bruised.

“I said … ” he weakly announced, “as your legal counsel, I beg to differ, bro.”

“What do you mean?” Raph sighed. “We all saw what happened. Beelzebub has the tape, and he killed our witness. We’re hosed.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Raphey boy,” the imp joked through a cough.

Todd pointed up at his head. Slowly, his invisibility spell began to disappear, and a helmet with a small go-pro camera appeared seemingly out of thin air. The thing was pretty dinged up, with shards of plastic ripped off and wires sticking out.

“Is that what I think it is?” I gasped.

“It is, bro,” Todd confirmed. “I had it on this whole time, but it makes me look like a total dweeb, so I made it all invisible. I figured our adventure would make an awesome Tuesdays with the Toddster episode, but when we got up here I realized I was thinking small cajones.”

“I think you mean ‘small potatoes,’” Raph corrected.

“Tomato, tomato,” Todd mused without even trying to make them sound different.

A wave of joy shot through my body as I realized what this meant. Even though we had been put through the ringer, even though we were beaten and bruised and all hope had been lost, we still somehow came out on top of this one.

I threw back my head and began to laugh awkwardly.

We did it. Somehow, we had fucking done it.

Chapter 14

Aruna and Ariel helped me back to the Jeep, but stopped me as I tried to climb into the driver’s seat.

“You’re in no condition to drive,” the Rakshasi argued. “I’ll do it. We need to get back to your home as soon as possible. Here, Raph, take over.”

Raphael walked over and placed my arm around his neck as Aruna slid in behind the wheel of Shadow.

“You know,” I chuckled as my friends helped me over to the other side of the car, “when I first met you, there was no way in Hell I ever would have let you drive Shadow. In fact, if I recall correctly, you nearly sent her to the scrap yard during our first encounter.”

“My chakram did a number on her,” the Rakshasi laughed.

“Too bad Brundlefly went and broke your favorite toy,” Todd offered his condolences from the back seat. “That’s a loss you never get over. I still remember when my dog chewed up my Optimus Prime. I’d just watched the movie a few days before, and it was like he’d died all over again. Traumatic shit, bro.”

My friends helped me into the passenger’s seat, and then I clicked my belt in place as they hopped in the back. I fumbled around in my pockets for the keys, and then I tossed them to Aruna.

“It’s not a big deal,” the assassin said with a shrug. “The chakram is just a giant hunk of sharpened metal. I can always get another one. It’s my magic that makes it so … unique.”

The Rakshasi inserted the keys into the ignition, twisted, and brought our Jeep to life.

“You sure you don’t want to sit up here?” I asked Todd as I glanced into the back seat. “There’s a lot more room.”

“And sit on your lap?” Todd scoffed. “I’ve had too many close calls with ‘no homo’ today, thank you very much. Besides, bro, you need your space with your wound and all.”

“It’s not that bad, actually,” I lied. “At least the arrow was made of pure Hellfire, so the wound cauterized instantly. I just can’t walk or put any weight on the damn thing.”

“Surely Superbia can heal you when we get back to Phoenix,” Raphael reassured me.

“As long as the Order of the Exalted don’t get there first,” I warned. “I really, really didn’t like what Beelzebub said as he was leaving. I need to watch the ones I love?”

“It sounds like he’s planning a strike on your home,” Aruna observed. “What do you love more on this Earth than your succubi?”

“Raph,” I grumbled as I shifted in my seat, “can you call everyone back home and give them a heads-up?”

“Of course,” the Archangel explained. “I’ll do that the second I receive a signal.”

“We need to get you healed up, fortify your mansion, and send that video to the prosecution in Heaven,” Eligor spoke up.

“If they’ll even take it at this point,” I noted. “We didn’t exactly leave on the best terms.”

“I’ll send it under one of my aliases,” Todd explained. “After I get it converted to VHS, of course. I really doubt they have anything up there that takes SD cards.”

“Well, shit,” I said as realization sunk in. “You’re probably right. How long will that take?”

“An hour or so, tops,” the imp continued. “But I need all my studio equipment, and that shit is all back at our house.”

“It was very lucky you brought that along, Todd,” Ariel jumped in.

“And to think,” Aruna mused, “we laughed at you for wearing it the first time.”

“All is forgiven,” Todd promised. “This little baby is gonna make me a millionaire. Especially when I start my ‘Look Ma, No Hands’ series of videos.”

“Please tell me there’s not more footage on that card,” I shuddered as I thought about his words.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that, Jakey,” the imp snickered. “I plead the fifth. But, cross my heart and hope to die, the Divine will only get the footage of the Brundlefly fight.”

“Why do you keep calling him that?” Eligor faltered.

“Because he’s the Lord of the Flies,” Todd explained, “and everybody knows the greatest fly story ever told is the Cronenberg movie with Jeff Goldblum. The fucking Brundlefly, Goldilocks. Sheesh.”

“Uh-huh,” Eligor sighed. “Let’s just go home. I feel like I could sleep for a week.”

“You and me both,” I joked, “but unfortunately, I don’t think we have a week.”

“No,” Raphael put forward, “but we might have longer than you think. He may have tried to hide it, but your fight with Beelzebub actually did quite a bit of damage. He’s going to need to lick his wounds before he comes back and tries anything else.”

“If he even comes back,” Eligor noted. “He’s not exactly the kind of demon to get his own hands dirty.”

“I dunno,” Todd shot back, “it looked like he was getting his hands pretty dirty to me. Or at least, as dirty as he would let them get.”

“Did you see how our attacks just bounced off his wings?” Aruna sighed. “I’ve seen some fairly powerful shields in my day, but nothing like that. He was shaking off Raphael’s Divine magic like it was a splash of water, and he didn’t even flinch at my or Ariel’s blows.”

“Thank fuck he was only trying to kill Jacob,” Todd sighed. “No offense, bro.”

“None taken,” I reassured the imp. “That was strange, though. It’s like he didn’t even notice you guys were there.”

“That’s how the King of the Eighth Circle is,” Raph explained. “He prides himself on efficiency, hence why he didn’t really bother with us. You were his target, so he only exerted effort on trying to kill you.”

“Still,” I admitted, “that was pretty horrific. I’d hate to fight him one-on-one again.”

“You and me both, bro,” Todd exclaimed. “You and me both. I was able to hold him off with the little bit of fu-manchu I know, but it obviously wasn’t enough. Thankfully, I weakened him for ya, or we all woulda been fuuuuucked.”

“Right,” I sighed as I leaned back in my seat.

We still had a long drive ahead of us, and my eyes felt as heavy as bowling balls. I closed my eyes as I tried to process all the shit that had just gone down in the last twenty-four hours, and soon I found myself drifting off to sleep.

“We have arrived,” I heard Aruna’s voice announce from the driver’s seat.

I sat up in the seat and glanced around.

The Jeep was now parked back in the garage, right next to Stella.

“Holy fuck,” I mused as I rubbed my eyes. “Did I sleep the whole way back?”

“Sure did, bro,” Todd explained as he slid out of the vehicle. “You totally missed all the awesome conversations we had.”

“Yes,” Raph added sarcastically as he opened up my door for me. “Todd gave us a brilliant oral history on a man called Stanley Kubrick, and how he helped your government fake the moon landing.”

“There was a coke bottle in one of the frames!” the imp shot back as he scurried through the main door of the mansion. “I’m gonna go edit the shit out of this thing and put it onto a tape. I’ll let you know when it’s all said and done.”

Raphael helped me out of the car, and then the two of us followed Aruna, Eligor, and Ariel back into the house. As I limped into the main room, we found Sia at the table, scribbling notes furiously.

Meanwhile, Liby and Angelo were sitting on the couch watching The Godfather on TV.

“Jacob!” Superbia said with a grin. “You’re back! How did--”

The succubus’ happy expression dropped into a frown when she saw how I was nursing my leg.

“You’re hurt,” she gasped. “Let me help you with that.”

“It was him, Sia,” I grimaced as Raph let me go, and I nearly fell over when I put weight on my injured leg. “It was Beelzebub. He tried to set us up.”

“Beelzebub?” Libidine gulped. “He was there.”

“He was like the fucking killer in a slasher movie,” I explained as Sia summoned golden flames to her hands. “We threw everything plus the kitchen sink at him, and it hardly slowed him down.”

The succubus madame placed her hands against my wounded leg, and it went numb. Then it was filled with a warming sensation that could only be described as soft, comforting pins and needles. Slowly but surely, the wound began to heal itself under the guidance of the golden glow, and then my leg was back to normal.

“Beelzebub is no joke,” Superbia agreed as she stood up and gave me a tender smile. “There, good as new.”

I bent my knee a few times, shifted my weight back and forth between my legs, and then squatted down to make sure it was functioning.

“What, and Azazel wasn’t?” I joked.

“Not at all,” Sia clarified, “but you have to understand, Lucifer awarded the circles to the Demon Kings based on their value to him. The closer the king is to the Prince of Darkness’ domain, the stronger he is. And Beelzebub is in the Circle right next to Lucifer’s.”

“Great,” I sighed. “Of all the Demon Kings to piss off, we get the one that can fuck up our day the easiest.”

“It could be worse,” Libidine suggested. “You could be going up against Lucifer himself.”

“I shudder to even think of that,” Raphael said grimly.

“Wait,” I questioned the black-haired man, “I thought Archangels weren’t afraid of demons?”

“Demons?” Raph answered. “No. Paranormal monsters? No. Demon Kings? No. But Lucifer … he’s something else altogether.”

“Did you find a witness to clear your name?” Sia asked nervously, and I assumed she was trying to change the topic.

“Yes and no,” I explained. “We had a witness, but Beelzebub killed him. But, Todd caught the whole altercation on video. He’s putting it on a VHS tape right now, and then we’re going to send it off to Heaven to prove my innocence. If we can somehow pick up a witness somewhere along the way, all the better.”

“And the Order of the Exalted?” Sia continued. “What happened to them?”

“We wiped out a big chunk of them,” I told the succubus, “but Cancio and about a quarter of the cultists were saved when Beelzebub showed up. They got away with what they thought was damning evidence against me, but they have no idea what’s coming.”

“But we do,” Eligor noted. “We know they’re probably coming here.”

Martatelli flipped around in his chair, stared at us with wide eyes, and began to ramble in Italian.

“You have nothing to worry about, Angelo,” Sia sighed. “You’re a ghost. What’s the worst they can do? Kill you again?”

The spectre grumbled to himself as he turned around and continued to watch his movie.

“The Order of the Exalted is coming here?” Libidine asked with concern.

“I don’t know,” I admitted, “but as he was leaving, Beelzebub warned me to keep a close eye on those I cared about. I’m assuming that means my succubi here on Earth, since he still can’t get to the ones back in the Fourth Circle.”

“So, what do we do?” Liby panicked. “How much time do we have? Do we need to evacuate?”

“Don’t worry about it,” I promised the Sister of Lust. “We’ve kicked their sorry asses before. We can do it again. And this time, we’ll be prepared.”

“I still have that chest of Divine weapons from when we fought Uriel,” Raph added. “That may just come in handy.”

“Chest of weapons?” Eligor asked in an annoyed tone.

“Why didn’t we use them in Cortez?” Aruna demanded.

The Archangel crossed his arms and scoffed.

“Jacob told us to pack light,” he explained. “I didn’t think a box full of grenades, miniguns, and automatic weapons was necessarily ‘light.’”

“That’s in the past,” I scolded as I tried to get tensions to cool down. “No point in worrying about it now. What we do need to worry about is how we’re gonna fortify this place.”

“Surely there’s a spell in one of those old Vatican books?” Sia pondered aloud. “Perhaps one that could enhance your protection spell?”

“What about boobie traps?” Ariel suggested. “I could easily whip up some of those with the stuff you’ve got out in the garage.”

“Ariel,” I smiled as I placed my hands on her slender shoulders, “have I ever told you how much I love having you on our team?”

The redhead blushed and pursed her lips.

“I’m, uh--I’m gonna go get started on those,” she giggled, and then she turned around and headed out toward the garage.

“I’ll go help her with the traps,” Aruna announced. “Plus, I want to see if she can build me a new chakram.”

The Rakshasi dashed off after the angel and disappeared into the other room.

“What about us?” Raph asked. “Surely we can help out in some way.”

“You know best what’s in that box of weaponry,” I told the Archangel. “You and Eligor can go through it, take inventory, and figure out what can be used.”

“Got it,” the dark-haired man agreed. “Come, Eligor.”

The blonde knight just crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow at Raph.

“‘Come, Eligor?’” she scoffed. “Am I a dog?”

“That’s not what I--” Raph began to apologize, but she cut him off with a wave of her hand.

“It’s fine,” she promised. “Let’s go. Time’s a wasting.”

The two other members of the team sauntered out to the garage, and I heard the door slam behind them.

“And then there were three,” Sia said through a toothy grin. “Four if you count Angelo. But he’s little more than a bump on a log right now.”

“Speaking of which,” I asked curiously, “where’s Ira?”

“Politician stuff.” Liby shrugged. “That’s all she would tell us.”

I plopped down on a nearby stool and rubbed my temples in frustration.

We currently had an ominous warning from one of the most powerful Demon Kings in the universe, and we also were public enemy number one in the eyes of the Divine.

Fuck, the only reason we hadn’t been captured so far is because we were reckless enough to come back to the most obvious place we could go on Earth.

Suddenly, I felt the soft touch of a succubus on my shoulders.

“You look tense, Jacob,” Sia offered. “You know what might cheer you up? A beer.”

“Actually, that sounds amazing right now,” I chuckled.

“Here,” the madame continued, “the three of us can go downstairs and grab beverages for everyone. It’s already been a long day, and we’ve got another one ahead of us.”

“That sounds lovely, Sister,” Libidine agreed.

As the three of us walked out of the room, Angelo’s voice called out something in his native tongue.

“He says he wants a diet cola,” Superbia said with a roll of her eyes.

“Good lord,” I chuckled as we made our way through the mansion’s large dining room and toward the basement. “If television would have been around back in his day, we never would have gotten any of those revolutionary inventions.”

“It’s a good time-waster,” Superbia said with a nod. “That’s why I try to avoid it. While Liby and Angelo were planted on the couch, I was busy making a ten-page business plan to get the Velvet Lips back to its former glory. I hate to brag, but it’s so straightforward and simple that only a total fool wouldn’t be able to follow it.”

“Well, that’s good,” I chuckled as I opened the white wooden door that led to the basement, “because once we’re back in Hell, there’s probably going to be a revolving door of cultists who will try to run it.”

“I’m sure Meghan will keep them in line,” Sia added. “She’s gotten quite good at doing a lot of the day-to-day business at the club, but she still has yet to grasp the financial side of things.”

I took a few steps down into the basement, and the stairs beneath me creaked loudly as I walked.

The staircase was covered with light gray carpeting and framed with pristine white walls all the way down to the clean, bespeckled white-and-black marble floor at the bottom.

As my boots clicked on the shiny marble, I took in my surroundings. The basement of Robert Quinn’s old mansion was the “entertainment room” of the house. It was completely open concept, with ten-foot tall ceilings and not a single pillar or wall in sight. At the center of the room sat two long couches with a series of black swivel chairs directly across from their position. Between the two pairs of furniture was a long, white coffee table that stretched the entire length of the couch, and on the floor was a giant faux fur rug that covered about one-hundred square feet of the basement.

All the way on the other side of the room was a bar built into the wall. It was covered floor to ceiling with a mirrored glass shelf that held every type of alcohol known to man and included a chrome ice machine and a small minifridge.

On the opposite wall sat a gas fireplace encapsulated by sleek, gray rocks that looked like they were nearly obsidian. Directly beside the fireplace sat a massive projector screen probably used by Quinn to do business presentations, but we just used it to watch movies.

The basement was equipped with a top-of-the-line surround sound system, after all.

“I’m surprised Angelo’s not doing all his TV watching down here,” I joked as we headed toward the second, more “moderate” part of the basement.

Over in this section, the floor turned into simple carpet, and the walls became white drywall. This was the “back of house” part of the basement, where Quinn’s caterers would work whenever he held a large function at his place. It also had kitchen facilities superior to the ones upstairs, so this was where Gula spent a large chunk of her time when she was on Earth.

The two succubi disappeared as I walked into the second room, but my mind was so laser-focused on getting that ice cold, refreshing drink that I didn’t pay it much mind.

Finally, I came to a large, walk-in fridge. If this were a normal mansion, this would be where we kept things like elaborate cakes, bulk bags of caviar, and the like.

But this was Jacob Ralston’s mansion. The fridge in our place was packed to the brim with beer, cheese, pretzel dip, and bacon.

You know, the essentials.

“Can I make a confession?” Superbia cooed from the other room as I approached the fridge. “I didn’t want to get us down here just for beer.”

“Oh?” I asked as I turned around, but then my heart began to beat in my chest.

Both Sia and Liby were now standing in the doorway, completely naked.

I took a deep gulp as my eyes wandered across the succubi. First, they studied Superbia’s petite frame, with her short, slender legs, flat stomach, and small breasts.

On the opposite side was Libidine, the Sister of Lust who was curvy beyond belief. Her bright pink nipples stood erect on her massive breasts, and I swore I could see the curves of her ass even though she was facing my front.

“In all honesty,” Libidine admitted, “we just wanted to get you alone for awhile.”

“I know time is of the essence,” Sia said with a wink and placed her hand on her hip, “so we won’t take too long.”

“I, uh … ” I trailed off, but then Liby walked over and grabbed me by my shirt.

The succubus pressed her luscious lips against mine as she began to pull me back into the main room.

I stroked her breasts tenderly as we walked, until we finally got to one of the couches. Then she fell back onto the seat, I positioned myself over her, and I slid my hand down her body until I reached her clitorus.

Libidine let out a gasp of pleasure as I started to alternate between rubbing at her clit and fingering her, and I could tell she was in ecstasy.

Meanwhile, I felt Superbia’s slender hands tugging at my belt buckle. The redhead unfastened my belt, pulled it out from around my waist, and tossed it to the side.

I stopped what I was doing with Liby for a second so I could reach down and help Sia with my pants. My trousers popped off quickly as my erection stood to attention.

Libidine bit her lip as she studied my rock-hard cock, and her eyes practically begged me to fuck her.

I obliged.

Before Sia could even get my shirt off, I moved forward and slid myself into Libidine. The succubus was extremely tight and wet, and waves of pleasure shot through my body as I began to make love to her with rhythmic passion.

Soon, I felt Sia tug off my shirt and then kiss my naked back tenderly. Her lips and tongue trailed up to my shoulders and then just below my jawline. The Sister of Pride sucked on my neck seductively in two-second spurts, and I let out a moan of satisfaction in response.

At the same time, Libidine’s eyes were nearly rolled all the way back in her head as her large breasts bounced along with my thrusts. Liby let out a few whimpers of pleasure, and I knew she must have been close.

I halted my motions, wrapped my hands around the succubus’ waist, and then slid her down onto my erection at a snail’s pace.

“Ohhhhhhhh!” she moaned as she bit her lip.

The further down she went, the more intense her moans became. Finally, I felt her warm lips on the base of my dick, and she was quivering intensely.

I pulled myself all the way out and did it again.

“Holy fucccck,” Liby moaned as I entered her once more.

“Let me help out with that,” Superbia purred, and then she came around to my front.

The redhead reached down and began to rub at Libidine’s clitorus as I pleasured her. At the same time, she leaned forward and began to make out passionately with the Sister of Lust.

The sight of the two beautiful women kissing brought all sorts of feelings to my cock, but I tried to keep going for as long as I could.

Liby’s whole body was now shaking as she let out a few muffled moans, and her pussy was tightening around me like a vice grip.

That’s when it happened.

Libidine pulled her lips back from her madame, threw back her head, and let out a ridiculously loud moan as she orgasmed.

The sounds of her pleasure drove me over the edge, and I pulled her back down onto my cock and let my orgasm come.

Liby screamed my name when she felt my sperm fill her, and she seemed to climax again and again with each fresh spray of my cum that coated her tunnel.

I slid out of the succubus, flipped over so I was sitting on the couch, and then let out a sigh of relief.

“I fucking needed that,” I bemused.

“You aren’t done yet,” Superbia nearly growled as she sauntered over and got down on her knees.

Seeing the petite redhead staring at my cock with her large, violet doe eyes, all while she licked her thin pink lips, brought my erection back to life.

Sia began to run her tongue across my throbbing erection, which only made it grow even bigger. She kept at it until I was finally back to full mast, and then she placed the tip of my dick into her mouth.

I let out a groan of happiness as Sia started to work my cock with her left hand and rubbed at my balls with her right, all while she ran the top half of it into her mouth.

“I may be tired,” Libidne joked as her wobblily legs brought her down to Sia’s side, “but that looks like too much fun.”

Sia let my erection fall from her mouth, and then she pointed it over in Liby’s direction.

Libidine didn’t waste a single moment. She opened up her mouth and moved down my cock as far as she could possibly go.

I felt the warm coil of pleasure returning to my netherregions, and I wondered just how long I could keep this up.

Liby moved off my dick as she ran her tongue down my shaft and to my balls. The Sister of Lust began to suck on them seductively while Sia placed my erection back inside her mouth.

The coil was now getting tighter and tighter as the succubi pleasured me, and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to keep this up much longer. I let out groans, gasps, and moans as I felt myself growing closer to the edge.

“Hold on, sister,” Libidine said as she stopped. “I think he’s on the verge. I already got mine, and I’d hate to be a selfish lover.”

“You’re too kind, Libidine,” Sia cooed as she released her grip on my cock.

Superbia stood up and then turned around so her small, fit ass was on full display. She positioned herself over my hard cock, spread out her legs, and then lowered herself down onto me.

We both let out a gasp of excitement as the madame rode me, and my eyes kept flitting between her ass and her bounding red locks as she moved.

Libidine, however, didn’t seem to move from her old position. She moved her head inward, and I felt Sia’s lips tighten around me as the Sister of Lust licked at her clitorus.

We went at it like this for another minute or two, until Superbia’s body began to shudder and tremble with every move. Then her body went rigid, and she nearly screamed as she orgasmed.

Her pussy somehow got even warmer and tighter in this moment, and I couldn’t hold back any more. I let go of my seed deep into the redheaded succubus as she continued to ride me.

Sia slowed to a halt, pulled herself off, and sat down on the couch next to me.

“I agree, Jacob,” she joked. “That was very much needed.”

“And now I reaaally need a beer,” I laughed.

I tried to stand up, but my legs were still wobbly from all the love making. I stumbled for a second and caught myself on one of the coffee tables before I slipped and fell.

“It’s alright,” Libidine chuckled. “We know that thing must throw you off balance all the time.”

“Very funny,” I shot back as I pulled my pants up around my waist. “I’m totally used to it by now. And you are too, apparently.”

“I’ll never be used to that monster,” Liby giggled. “And I am one-hundred percent okay with that.”

“Well, don’t sit around and ogle too long,” I reminded them as I put my shirt back over my torso. “The last thing we need is for us to be caught with our pants down, literally.”

“Go get your beer,” Sia said sarcastically as she tossed one of the couch’s pillows at me. “Maybe we’ll have some more fun without you.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” I shot back. “You’d miss me too much.”

I walked into the other room, into the large fridge, and then grabbed a couple bottles of beer from the shelf. Personally, I was more of a stout guy, so I grabbed the darkest shit I could find.

The succubi weren’t exactly the biggest beer drinkers, so I figured I’d get them something light, like a pale ale. I picked up a variety and headed back out to the girls.

As I came back into the main room with my collection of bottles, I was sad to see Liby and Sia were both fully clothed.

“Don’t look so disappointed,” Sia giggled. “You’re the one who told us we couldn’t wait around forever.”

Just then, I heard footsteps on the stairs.

I whipped around to see the rest of the group as they stepped onto the marble floor.

“Uhhhh, can we help you?” I asked somewhat defensively. “What’s going on?”

“Oh,” Ariel spoke up bashfully, “we just wanted to let you know we’ve got everything ready to go. I made a couple traps I think will do the trick.”

“They’re really good,” Aruna added. “I saw them myself.”

“And Eligor and I have an entire arsenal waiting for you upstairs,” Raphael announced proudly. “We think you’ll find it quite satisfactory.”

“Great … ” I said somewhat awkwardly. “But why are you all down here? Couldn’t this have waited until we were back upstairs?”

“You can thank Super Mario for that one, bro,” Todd explained as he hung off the bannister of the staircase. “He ran upstairs screaming about how he heard ghosts downstairs. Something about some really scary moans … so I rounded up the crew and prepared to go all Ghostbusters down here.”

“Everything seems to be in order to me,” Raphael observed.

Aruna crossed her arms over her chest and then nudged Eligor playfully.

“I think we both know what’s going on here,” she said matter-of-factly.

“Oh yes,” Eligor shot back. “I’ve been in this situation before.”

Sia and Liby both looked at each other, and then their faces turned red as they began to giggle.

“Grosssssss,” Todd gagged. “That was literally the last thing I needed to hear today.”

“What are you talking about?” Raphael asked innocently. “Are there evil spirits down here, or not?”

“Oh, Raph,” the imp laughed. “Sweet, innocent Raph … there aren’t any ghosts, bro. Just a lot of ectoplasm being slung around.”

The Archangel blinked at Todd blankly.

“I still don’t understand,” he admitted.

Todd sighed, and then he hoisted himself back up onto the stairs. He formed one hand into a circle, extended the index finger on his other, and then began to move it in and out of the hole.

“They’re down here pressing buttons?” Raph guessed.

“They’re fucking, bro,” Todd sighed as he gave up. “Tears of a Clown. Doin’ the ‘ol in-out, in-out. Forming the beast with two backs.”

“Oh,” Raph exclaimed as he slapped his head with realization. “Why didn’t you just say so? I suppose we should let you carry on?”

“No, no,” I reassured the Archangel. “We were just about to head up, anyway. What’s the status on that conversion, Todd?”

“About that … ” the imp said as he twiddled his thumbs nervously. “I may have made a little oopsie.”

My heart fell into my stomach as I stood up and ran over to the stairwell.

“What do you mean?” I demanded. “That video was our only hope of salvation. Please tell me it wasn’t deleted or corrupted.”

“It wasn’t,” the imp reassured me, “but I was thinking, ‘why should it be on a VHS tape? Doesn’t the whole world deserve to know the kinda shit they’re getting into, and how much of an evil bastard Beelzebub is?’”

“What did you do, Todd?” Sia prodded.

“Wellllllll,” the imp said innocently as he rocked back and forth on his feet, “I may have just uploaded it to the world wide web. It’s soooo much easier, ya know.”

“You shared interdimensional secrets with the mortal world?” Raph gasped.

“Relax, Raphey,” Todd laughed. “The only people who will believe it are the conspiracy theorists, or ‘the enlightened few’ as I like to call them. Besides, Heaven has e-mail with their dial-up, right? I sent it to that secretary woman in Cabo under the alias ‘Dick E. Normis.’”

“Of course you did,” I sighed. “As long as they got it, I really don’t give a shit how it got there. Now, we just need to hope they believe it.”

“Ciao?” Angelo Martatelli’s voice called out from the top of the staircase.

Sia walked over to the stairs and looked up at the spectre. She called out a few words in Italian, and then Martatelli answered in the same language.

The madame’s face went white as she turned back to face us.

“He says there’s somebody at the door,” she explained. “Somebody wearing a white suit. They want to know if they can speak to Jacob.”

“Metatron,” Raphael growled.

Chapter 15

“Why did he come alone?” I asked aloud as we headed back up to the main level of the mansion. “I would have figured he’d be kicking down our door, guns blazing.”

“Maybe he saw the video, and he’s here to let us know we’re off the hook,” Raph suggested.

“If only we were that lucky,” I sighed. “My bet is he’s going to try and be all macho and alpha and threaten us to ‘come quietly’ and all that shit. Then if we refuse, he’ll call in backup to take us in.”

“Should we run?” Libidine asked sadly. “We could try and flee and go back to Hell, where he can’t get us.”

“I’ve never been one to run from my problems,” I shot back at the succubus. “Besides, this is our home, too. I’m not abandoning it just because some pompous Archangel can’t get his head out of his own ass.”

“So, what do we do?” Ariel mused. “Do we fight him and hope we do enough damage he runs away.”

“This isn’t DnD, Little Mermaid,” Todd reminded her. “As you guys’ legal counsel, I would highly recommend you three stay hidden and let me do all the talking.”

“I’m not sure that’s a great idea,” Raphael protested, but Todd completely ignored him.

“Actually, having Todd serve as a distraction might give us some more time to prepare,” I added. “Ariel and Aruna can go around setting up the traps, and Raph, Eligor, and I can all gear up.”

“What about us?” Superbia asked.

“It’ll look suspicious if you guys aren’t around,” I explained as we all reached the top of the stairs. “You guys go with Todd and try to convince him we’re not here. Everyone understand what we’re doing?”

Everyone gave me a confirmation nod, and then we turned back to the doorway of the dining room.

“Alright, everybody but Lib and Strawberry Shortcake, lock hands,” Todd whispered. “I’ll sneak us out and into the garage.”

Raph, Eligor, Ariel, Aruna, and I all took each other by the hand as Todd placed his open palm on my leg.

The imp cleared his throat loudly and then stuck out his chest.

“By the power of Grayskull … ” the imp said in a deep voice, “I haaavvvveee the powwweerrrrr!”

I looked around and saw we were all still visible.

“Did it work?” I asked the succubi.

Libidine gave a thumbs up in our general direction and smiled.

“Like a charm,” she whispered. “I wouldn’t even know you guys were here.”

Todd whistled to get our attention before he began to lead us toward the garage.

As we passed through the living room, I glanced over and saw the tall blond Archangel peering through the small glass windows engraved into the door. His eyebrows were arched upward into an expression of curiosity as he looked around in hopes of spotting us, but thankfully Todd’s spell was working like a charm.

We reached the threshold of the garage door, and Todd let go of my leg as we dropped hands.

“Whew,” the imp panted. “That’s definitely him alright. But, never fear, the Toddster is here!”

Todd began to make “swishing” sounds with his mouth as he began to spin around in a circle rapidly. As he twirled, his upper body began to bubble and change color until he finally came to a stop. The imp was now wearing the same suit he had worn in the courtroom, and he haughtily adjusted his tie as he made his way toward the entryway.

“Just keep him busy for as long as you can,” I requested. “Whatever it takes to keep his cronies off us for a little bit longer.”

“Got it,” Todd agreed. “If worst comes to worst, I’ll start filibustering with the lore of the Starsky and Hutch universe. I could talk about that for days, bro.”

“Please don’t do that,” Raphael said as he facepalmed. “Please, please don’t let it come to that.”

“Don’t diss the Huggy Bear, bro,” Todd warned as he began to walk away. “That man’s a national treasure.”

“This way,” Ariel hissed as she opened the garage door and motioned for us to follow.

The five of us entered the attached workshop, and then the angel made sure she closed the door slowly behind us. She flipped on the lights of the garage, strutted over to the workbench, and then placed her hands on her hips triumphantly.

On the bench behind Ariel sat a series of metal contraptions. The first one was a long metal chain with a thick cuff at the end.

“Snare trap,” she whispered. “Enchanted with Divine Light. It’ll instantly fry any humans or demons that come in contact with it, but angels? It’s practically harmless for them.”

Aruna walked over beside the angel and picked up a small metal statue. It was only about two feet tall and shaped into the figure of a small, burly man with a beard and a pointed hat.

It was a fucking garden gnome.

“This one is my favorite,” Aruna explained through a hushed whisper. “Ariel had me enchant it with my ectoplasmic magic.”

“It’s motion-activated,” Ariel explained. “So, when somebody gets too close, it’ll spit the sticky ectoplasm out of its mouth and trap them like a mouse on a glue trap. We made like, four of these.”

I glanced down and saw Aruna had a new weapon on her belt.

It was a small, silver metal circle with a golden edge that looked like it had been honed into a sharp point all the way around. There was a small bar through the center of the weapon, perfect for whoever was trying to wield it.

“She make that for you, too?” I whispered with a nod.

“She did,” Aruna purred. “It’s ten times better than the last one I had. You’ve got a real keeper on your hands, Jacob.”

“What about that one?” Eligor whispered as she pointed to the right of the redhead.

Ariel’s eyes grew wide as a smile came up her lips.

“This one?” she asked as she sauntered over to her creation. “This one is the mother lode. I call it ‘leapfrog.’ Basically, it’s a small metal casing that houses a super-bright flash of Divine Light. But here’s the kicker … they only activate when they’re stepped on. We’re going to stick them in the ground outside and essentially create a minefield of these suckers.”

“Excellent work,” I said with a nod. “Gear up and then go get those placed.”

Ariel nodded, and then she and Aruna began to collect up her gadgets. Then they popped open the side door of the garage, peered out cautiously, and made their way to set their traps.

Meanwhile, Raph, Eligor, and I made our way over to the chest full of weapons we kept under lock and key at the far end of the building. It had been popped open by the Archangel earlier, and a vast array of goodies sat out around it.

Off to the right of the chest was an assortment of guns. There was the minigun that had saved our asses back against Uriel, a handful of assault rifles, two shotguns, and a set of revolvers. But the one that caught my attention was the one I had already encountered before, the one Ariel had nabbed for us in Heaven.

The Divine Desert Eagle.

“I’m totally taking that one,” I announced in a hushed voice as I reached down for the pure white holster.

“Are you sure about that?” Raph asked cautiously. “I’m not even sure I could handle that much firepower.”

“I’ll be fine,” I promised. “I probably won’t even need the damn thing. And if I do, it’ll be because it’s an emergency.”

Just off to the right of the gun collection sat a large number of tactical gadgets. Raphael picked up a few grenades and slung them onto his belt, as well as a line of pure golden rope and a pair of white kevlar gloves.

“These will go with my FAMAS quite nicely,” he mused. “Plus, you never know when you’ll need Divine-quality rope.”

“Call me old-fashioned,” Eligor chuckled as she sheathed her two swords, “but I’ve always been a stickler for the melee weapons. If I want to kill somebody from afar, I’ve got more than enough Hellfire magic to do that.”

“You never know when you’ll need a little extra firepower,” I mused. “Here, at least take one of these grenades.”

The knight rolled her eyes, but then she reached down and picked up a bandolier full of impacts.

“Fine,” she sighed, “but only because you asked me nicely.”

Then came the final piece in my armory, my pride and joy. I walked over to a large case on the wall, opened it up, and basked in the glory of my most prized possessions.

Sitting on the shelf was the suit of armor I wore on all my adventures in Hell. It was missing its helmet, but otherwise it was fully intact, with a thick breastplate, shiny silver gauntlets, and boots that came all the way up to my knees.

And then there, right next to the armor, hung the Unhallowed Sword.

Even all these months later, the sword was the most badass weapon I’d ever seen. It was made up of pure black metal, with crossguards that curved upward as if they were the horns of a demon. At the very base of the hilt sat a single, translucent ruby, and it gleamed brightly in the light.

I picked up the pieces of my armor, attached them to my body one-by-one, and then threw the Unhallowed Sword around my waist.

I turned around and saw Raphael’s pure-white SWAT uniform was now covered with weapons and tactical gear, and his flowing black locks were tied up in a man-bun.

Eligor was adjusting her silver, scaly armor on her chest as she tried to find a comfortable way to wear the bandolier between her breasts. The belt on her waist held one of her dual swords on each side, and in between the weapons hung a series of daggers and throwing axes. It was almost like she was wearing the world’s deadliest skirt.

More importantly, my friends and I looked like we were ready for war.

Raphael whistled. “We look like quite the soldiers.”

“We look fucking badass!” Eligor corrected. “Let the Order of the Exalted come. We’ll send them back to Hell where they belong.”

“That’s the spirit,” I chuckled. “Now, should we--”

Before I could finish my thought, there was a loud knock on the garage door.

“Jacob?” Metatron’s voice asked from the other side. “I know you’re in there.”

My hand tightened around the Unhallowed Sword as the three of us went silent. I could feel my pulse slow down into a dull rhythm, and I wondered for a moment if I was even still breathing.

How did he know we were out here? Did he already kill Todd and the succubi? I knew I should have toasted this fucker when I had the chance. He was just like all the other Archangels, a pompous dickhead who did whatever the hell he wanted and waived it off because he was “holy.” I didn’t give a shit any more.

If this fucker hurt my friends, I was going to gut him like a goddamn fish.

“Bro,” Todd’s voice joined in, “it’s me. The Toddster. The Toddfather. Jean-Todd Van Damme.”

I hesitated before I said anything. Was this a trap? Was Todd being forced to say this against his will?

“Jacob, I just want to talk,” Metatron sighed.

“Yeah, bro,” Todd added. “After a long and intense chat involving an absolutely beautiful and moving speech by moi, I got Megatron to come to an agreement with us.”

An agreement? This sounded way too good to be true. The last time I saw this bastard, he was trying to blow me out of the sky.

“Jacob?” Superbia spoke up. “We were able to get you a great deal, but you need to talk to Metatron face-to-face.”

I glanced over at Raph and Eligor, and they both looked unconvinced. Their eyes darted back and forth between my own and each others’, and then they finally nodded in agreement.

Raph stood up straight, slunk over to my position, and leaned in to whisper in my ear.

“I think we should take it,” he murmured. “If they’re offering us an out, then we’d be stupid to not at least hear him out.”

“I’m sure it’s a terrible deal,” I hissed back. “There’s no way we get out of this completely scott free.”

“No,” Raph admitted, “but do we really want to try and fight off the forces of the Divine on top of Beelzebub’s forces? If we talk to Metatron, perhaps he could help us.”

My mind raced with a million possibilities, but eventually I realized the Archangel was right. Even if we somehow escaped, if we somehow defeated Metatron and his forces and then got past the Order of the Exalted, we’d have the entirety of Heaven looking for us.

I really didn’t like those odds.

“Alright, Metatron,” I called out as I summoned green Hellfire into my hands. “I’m coming out.”

“What are you doing?” Raph hissed in horror.

“Going out,” I said with a sly grin. “We’re gonna teleport ourselves into the other room. That way if it’s a trap, we’ll at least have the jump on the bastard.”

I closed my eyes and thought about how frustrating this whole situation is, and about how this fucker was potentially using my friends to lure us into a trap. It disgusted me to the core, and I felt the emerald flames intensify.

Next, I pictured the doorframe on the other side of the entryway, opposite of where the entrance to the garage stood. Then I felt the warm glow of the green fire as it engulfed my body.

I opened up my eyes and saw I was floating a few inches off the ground, completely weightless as I hovered like a spectre. I shot out two beams of jade Hellfire, surrounded my friends with the spell, and transported us to our destination.

Seconds later, I felt my feet land gently on the marble floor of the entryway and saw the figure of Metatron towering over Todd, Liby, and Sia. I drew the Unhallowed Sword from its sheath and held it out threateningly. Then I made a loud throat clearing sound to get the bastard’s attention.

Metatron turned around with a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Very clever, Jacob Ralston,” he chuckled. “However, you won’t need that weapon.”

“Awesome maneuver, bro,” Todd added, “but you totally forgot to say ‘Omae wa mou shindeiru’ when you appeared.”

“Are you being held against your will?” I questioned as I tightened my grip on the Unhallowed Sword. “Todd, blink twice if you are.”

“Broooooo,” the imp whined as he threw back his head. “Now that you told me not to, it’s gonna be the only thing I can think about!”

Libidine took a few steps forward before she placed her hand on the shiny dark blade and gently pushed it down.

“It’s alright, Jacob,” she promised. “He means us no harm.”

My eyes narrowed as I looked over at the smug Archangel, but then I lowered my guard. I let out a deep sigh as I sheathed the Unhallowed Sword and motioned for the group to follow me into the dining room.

I pulled out a chair at the end of the table, plopped down into it dramatically, and then placed my hands together in front of my face. When Metatron entered the room, I locked eyes with the blond man and motioned for him to sit across from me.

Todd, Liby, Sia, Raph, and Eligor pulled up chairs on the sides of the table, and then they sat down in a hushed manner.

“Alright, Metatron,” I demanded as the Archangel took his seat. “What is this deal Todd’s telling me about?”

“We got Dick E. Normis’ e-mail,” Metatron began, but then he was instantly cut off by muffled snickers from Todd. “Does the Defense find something I said humorous?”

Todd was covering his mouth with his tiny, clawed hand, but I could tell he was doing his best not to lose it.

“No, no,” he mumbled. “Please continue.”

“Thank you,” the Archangel grumbled. “We saw the footage, Jacob. We now know Beelzebub and his followers set you up, and that you were telling the truth when you said you were still on our side.”

“Damn straight,” I growled.

A look of disdain spread across Metatron’s face, but then he continued.

“However,” he sighed, “just because you are exonerated from one crime does not mean you’re going to get off completely without consequence. You still broke interdimensional law by traveling to Hell without authorization and taking over as a Demon King.”

“I told you,” I seethed, “I only took over as King of the Fourth Circle so none of the other fuckers down there would. I wanted to use that position of power to do good things and not just let another demon asshole use it as a cruel, sadistic way to channel his anger and hurt innocent people.”

“And for that, the Exalted One applauds you,” Metatron admitted.

I raised an eyebrow at the Archangel’s words. The Exalted One gave me a compliment? I definitely didn’t see that coming.

“So, Jakey’s all good in the eyes of the Alpha and the Omega,” Todd spoke up. “That means he’s not gonna be punished, right?”

“On one condition,” the blond man said as he leaned forward in his chair. “He wants to see if your intentions truly are pure.”

“Meaning?” I sat back and crossed my arms.

“Meaning, you have a deal,” the Archangel muttered. “Despite my better judgement, we will look past any and all of your offenses if you agree to act as our inside man in Lucifer’s domain.”

“So … ”I said somewhat snarkily, “you’re offering me exactly what we asked for in the trial?”

“Please understand things were different then,” Metatron argued. “The evidence we had against you was quite substantial--”

“Yeah,” I erupted as I sat forward and slammed my fist on the table, “your evidence was fabricated, and you guys were too dense to see through it!”

“Easy there, tiger,” Todd warned.

“We’ve got the deal you desired, Jacob,” Sia pleaded. “Please don’t let your anger get in the way of your freedom.”

I took in a deep breath as I tried to calm my frustration.

“Fine,” I sighed. “You’ve got a deal, Metatron. We’ll be your guys on the inside.”

“Excellent!” The Archangel grinned as he clapped his hands together. “I knew you’d make the right decision.”

“How is this going to work?” I asked curiously. “We have reason to believe Lucifer is watching our every move when we’re down there. Kinda hard to be covert when Big Brother’s watching all the time.”

“Believe it or not, that’s part of the plan,” Metatron admitted. “If Lucifer is constantly watching you, that means we can constantly be watching him.”

The Archangel fumbled in the pocket of his suit for a moment, and then he whipped out a small black-and-gray box. As soon as he sat it down on the table, I knew exactly what it was.

It was an old-school flip phone.

“Is that an LG C3310?” Raphael whistled. “I haven’t seen one of those in a year.”

“Don’t you mean ‘years?’” Todd tried to correct the Archangel, but he simply shook his head.

“No, no,” Raph shot back, “these phones were all the rage a year ago in Heaven. But now we’ve moved on to bigger and better things, like Blackberries and Razors.”

“Will a cell phone even work in Hell?” I chuckled. “I don’t think any networks cover the Fourth Circle.”

“It’s a Divine cell phone,” Metatron explained as he rolled his eyes. “It’s a direct line straight to me. I want you to use it to tell me about your dealings in Hell. Got it?”

“Can do,” I shot back sarcastically. “What’s the worst that could happen? I’m already hated by half of the Demon Kings in Hell anyways. What’s one more risk to add to the pile?”

“I like your attitude,” the Archangel snarked as he leaned forward.

Metatron slid the phone across the table, and I caught it in my hand.

It was ridiculously small compared to the things we had nowadays, but it was also light and compact enough to be discreet. When closed, the phone had a small digital display on the front that indicated the time as well as any missed calls or messages. There was a very tiny iris right above the display, a camera that could be used to snap pictures and video when it was in the “on” position. As I opened up the clamshell, I was greeted by a slew of buttons as well as a small color screen.

“Not gonna lie,” I admitted as I fumbled around with the buttons, “I’m kinda digging the retro aesthetic.”

“If you can,” Metatron continued, “please send us as many photos and videos as possible. That will help us immensely.”

“Sure it will, all two-megapixels,” Todd cackled. “That thing is so pixelated, it’ll make everything Jakey sends look like Japanese porn.”

We all gave the imp a strange stare as he laughed at his own joke, and then he went silent as he wiped a tear of glee away from his eye.

“I, uh--not that I’d know anything about that,” he clarified.

“Indeed,” Metatron said, unconvinced. “We have a deal, then?”

I gave the Archangel a slight nod before I slid back my chair, stood up, and walked over to where he was sitting. I extended my hand, and the blond man shook it with the grip of an eagle snatching a fish out of the water.

“I’ll act as your spy in Hell, and you’ll drop all the charges against me and my friend here,” I agreed.

“Your friend?” Metatron asked.

Raphael cleared his throat loudly, and then Metatron’s face lit up with realization.

“Oh, right,” he laughed. “I had completely forgotten about the charges against Raphael. The jury was going to find him innocent, anyways. Well, until he decided to pull that little jailbreak with you guys. Either way, he’s free to go, as well.”

“Thanks,” Raphael grumbled angrily.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something small and dark scurry across the floor. A mouse. That was odd, Libidine always made sure to keep this place as tidy as possible, and we’d had our contractors seal up all the cracks in the doors and windows. Then the tiny creature dashed over toward the back of Metatron, and realization struck me.

“Wait, Aruna--” I warned, but it was too late.

In an instant, the small mouse was covered with dark black ectoplasm. The creature flung itself into the air as it transformed, and within seconds the full form of Aruna was behind Metatron with her chakram at the ready.

Metatron turned around just as the Rakshasi’s blade struck him in the chest and sent him tumbling back into the wall. He let out a grunt of anger as he hopped back onto his feet and summoned Divine Light into his hands.

I threw up a wall of purple flames between the two just as Aruna unleashed her weapon, and the chakram bounced off the fire harmlessly.

“Cool it, Aruna!” I commanded. “He’s with us now.”

The assassin gave me a confused glare at first, but then she let her guard down and got out of her fighting stance.

I held the wall of protective fire until Metatron finally cooled off, and then I decast my spell.

“Metatron and Jacob have come to an agreement,” Superbia explained. “There’s no need for violence. At least, not now, anyway.”

“A Rakshasi,” the blond archangel mused as he inspected the large rip in his suit. “You have quite a strange group of acquaintances, Jacob.”

“Are you alright?” I asked the Archangel. “Aruna can be a little too much of a go-getter sometimes.”

“I’ll be fine,” Metatron reassured me. “I’m wearing my armor underneath this thing anyway.”

“Armor and a suit,” Todd chuckled. “It’s no crocs-n-socks, but it’s a strange fashion choice nonetheless.”

“Does this mean my job is done?” Aruna asked as she leaned back against the wall and crossed her arms seductively. “Our agreement was to help Jacob clear his name, and it looks pretty damn cleared to me.”

“What?” I asked coyly. “You weren’t helping me out of the kindness in your heart?”

“‘Kindness of the heart’ doesn’t pay the bills.” Aruna shrugged.

“Wait … ” Todd mused. “What kinda bills does a paranormal shapeshifter have to pay?”

“It’s--It’s an expression,” the Rakshasi shot back. “Now, as much as I’d love to stick around, every second I’m not under contract is another second I could be making some dough. So, if you’ll excuse me--”

“They’re here!” Ariel’s voice cried as she ran into the room, panting. “Jacob, they--they’re here!”

Metatron’s expression went dark as his posture grew tense.

“Who’s here?” he demanded.

I walked over and placed a hand on the Archangel’s shoulder.

“The Order of the Exalted,” I explained. “They’ve come to finish the job they set out to do in Cortez.”

Chapter 16

“The Order of the Exalted are coming here?” Metatron gasped. “In broad daylight? This is bold, even for them.”

“They’re running with Beelzebub now,” I explained as I adjusted my armor and tried to think up a battle strategy. “If they really think he’s their ticket to starting a ‘new order’ and bringing balance to the universe, they’ll do whatever he asks of them. Even if that means losing the ‘secret’ part of their secret society.”

“How do you know they are coming?” Libidine asked as she stood to her feet and sprouted her large black bat wings.

“After I finished setting up all the traps outside, I flew up onto the roof to take a breather,” Ariel began. “As I was sitting up there, soaking up the sun and enjoying the view, I saw a bunch of small black dots off in the distance. As they got a little closer, I realized it was a caravan of vehicles!”

“How far away are they right now?” Sia demanded.

Ariel put her hands on her head as her eyes stared off into the abyss.

“I-I don’t know,” she admitted. “They were driving pretty fast when--”

“I’m on it!” Aruna called out as she ran toward the front door.

As the Rakshasi ran, her black ectoplasmic magic encased her body in a sludgy glow, and her figure began to transform. The second she threw open the red door, she fully transformed into a falcon and took to the sky.

“We need to be in position,” I ordered. “We need at least one heavy hitter on each main entrance.”

“Say no more, Jakey,” Todd mused. “I’ve got the front yard covered. LEROOOOOOOY JENKINS!”

Before I could correct the imp, he bolted out the open door and into the driveway. I glanced over at Raphael, who was just shaking his head amusedly.

“I’ll go with him,” he sighed. “Though I admire his enthusiasm, Todd’s ambition is going to get himself killed.”

“Sia, Ariel,” I continued, “you follow Raph and Todd. We could use a good melee fighter and supportive spellcaster out there.”

“As you wish,” Sia said with a nod. “Come, Ariel. I want to see your legendary skills in action.”

“Hopefully they won’t disappoint you, Superbia,” the redhead chuckled as they both dashed through to door.

“Keep an eye on them, Raph,” I warned. “They can be a handful.”

“I would have never guessed,” the Archangel chuckled as he gave me a salute. “Good luck, my friends.”

Then Raphael spun around and then flew out the door.

“Looks like Metatron, Eligor, Liby, and I got the back,” I observed.

“Why do we need to take the back?” Libidine asked curiously. “Ariel said they were approaching in cars.”

“They’re powerful sorcerers,” Eligor explained as we headed toward the sliding glass door. “Surely they’ll try to gain the upper hand on us by teleporting themselves here.”

“That’s why Ariel set up all these traps,” I added. “Stay the fuck away from those garden gnomes. And those bushes over there. And that entire section of the yard in general.”

“If the backyard is already so fortified,” Metatron argued, “then why do we need to be out here in the first place?”

“Most of the traps were set up to be non-lethal,” I explained. “So, we need to make sure we use our powers to make ‘em lethal.”

“Why on Earth would you want non-lethal--” the blond Archangel began, but then his eyes lit up with realization, and a deep frown spread across his face. “These traps were meant for us, weren’t they?”

“So, you do have backup?” I demanded.

“Of course I have backup,” Metatron said with offense in his voice. “What kind of an idiot goes into a wanted criminal’s home without backup on hand?”

“Are they watching right now?” Eligor asked.

“They’re just a tap away,” the Archangel clarified as he pointed to a small communicator on his belt. “But, if it’s all the same to you, I don’t want to call them in unless it’s a last resort. No need to have my men lose their lives if the eight of us can handle ourselves.”

“What about Angelo?” Libidine spoke up as we took our places in the yard. “Is he just going to hang around and watch this all unfold?”

“He’s a ghost,” I said nonchalantly. “There’s not a ton else he can do.”

Then, off in the distance, I heard a sound that made my stomach drop. It was the distinct sound of blasting Hellfire, and it was much closer than I would have hoped.

Aruna must have engaged with the Order of the Exalted.

“They’re close!” I hissed. “Get ready, everyone.”

The next few seconds were all a blur. Dozens of portals made up of green Hellfire suddenly appeared all across our backyard. Cultists wearing their dark gray robes passed through the interdimensional gateways with their spells at the ready, and the second they had us in their sights, they unleashed a flurry of attacks.

I threw up a shield of purple Hellfire around myself, while Libidine, Eligor, and Metatron took to the sky. Blasts of red, yellow, silver, and black bounced off my shimmering barrier as I planned my next move. Within seconds, several of the cultists turned their attention to their airborne enemies, and I had a chance to make my move.

I decast my shield and began to move forward, toward the Order of the Exalted. Every few seconds, I would have to knock away a blast of Hellfire with a cast of purple and a wave of my hand, but that was just the beginning.

One of the fuckers started to charge me with his hands aglow in yellow fire, and I made him pay.

I tossed out a portal of green at his feet, and the bastard wasn’t able to halt his momentum in time. He extended his hands and caught himself as his lower half plummeted, but it was too late.

I swiftly decast my emerald fire, and the fucker was sliced in two at the waist.

He let out a gasp of surprise and horror as his severed torso fell forward, and then he wriggled around for a second or two before he died.

I heard the crackle of Hellfire behind me, and then I ducked as a bull-headed dagger covered with green flames shot past where my head had just been. I twisted my body around, summoned yellow flames into my hand, and slapped my open palm on the front of the cultist’s face. I unleashed a flurry of enchanted shuriken at point-blank range, and his skull was turned into a fleshy swiss cheese.

The cultist tried to scream as he fell backward and clutched at his porous face, but all that came out was a wet gurgle. Blood gushed out of his wounds like a million tiny waterfalls as he fell to his knees, and then he collapsed forward onto the ground.

I glanced up just in time to see a blast of incendiary Hellfire coming my way, but I dispelled it with a quick cast of my purple Hellfire.

There were three cultists about fifty feet away from my position, all with their spells at the ready.

Unfortunately for them, Eligor had them all in her sights.

A flash grenade appeared above my opponents’ heads, followed up immediately by a flash of red Hellfire.

I averted my eyes for a brief second, but the screams of the men in gray told me the weapon had done its job. As I turned back to my attackers, I saw Eligor already on the ground.

The fallen angel stabbed two of the bastards through the torso from behind, and small spurts of blood sprayed from their chest cavities as they crumpled to the ground.

Still blinded by the flash bang, the third attacker held out his hands in frustration and fired randomly. Flits of red and blue shot past the blonde woman’s head, but none of them even came close to hitting their mark. Instead, the attack just reminded Eligor that she still had one last asshole to take down.

In one quick motion, the blonde knight ripped her swords out of the two dead men, twirled around, and shoved the pointed ends directly into the man’s eye sockets.

His mouth opened as if he wanted to scream, but his voice was silenced as his body went limp.

Another small group of cultists appeared in a flash of green, ready to attack, and I was forced to throw up a portal of my own jade spell. Blasts of red Hellfire vanished through the interdimensional portal before I forced them to reappear underneath their bodies.

The red flames erupted from the ground in a deadly wave, and the cultists’ bodies caught fire as if they were made out of kindling. They flailed around for a second as they tried to put out the thousand-degree flames, but within seconds their flesh and bones were reduced to nothing but piles of ash.

I spun around just as another cultist was upon me.

The man in the gray robe had his bull-headed dagger in one hand and a small ball of yellow in the other. He lashed out at me with his weapon first, but I was more than prepared for this asshole.

I summoned silver flames into my right hand and held it up in front of the dagger’s trajectory.

For a split second, my heart hammered in my chest as I wondered if I’d miscalculated. If this dagger was made out of enchanted metal, my Hellfire would be completely ineffective against its composition, and I would be destined for a world of hurt.

At least there was nothing vital in my palm.

I heard the man let out a gasp of surprise as the dagger in his hand turned into liquid metal and seared his palm. He tried to bring around his glowing yellow fist and unleash a deadly blast, but I was too quick.

I shaped the fluid silver into a long, sharp, point and drove it into the cultists’ temple before he could get his shot off.

The dark-haired man’s eyes rolled back in his head as the color drained from his face, and the fire in his hands went out.

I heard the sound of splattering, and then I quickly whipped around to see four more cultists coming around the side of the house.

Unfortunately for them, they’d stepped right into the path of one of Ariel’s traps, and were now covered from head to toe in sticky black ectoplasm. They tried to ignite their flames and burn the substance off, but their powers were overtaken by the soul-based magic. Soon, they realized they were trapped, and they began to furiously tear at their own flesh in the hopes of escaping.

I unsheathed the Unhallowed Sword as I dashed at the cultists. Once I got about ten feet away, I tossed down a wall of purple flames horizontally, hopped up onto it, and then dashed safely across the sticky trap until I was right up next to the bastards. Then I hauled back my blade, swung it forward as I ran, and severed the first guy’s head at the neck.

As the spray of gore shot up from his corpse, I halted my momentum, raised the weapon above my head, and then brought it down hard on the second cultist.

The blade tore through the flesh of his noggin all the way down to his shoulder blades, and his head split apart like a freshly-sliced orange.

Only instead of delicious citrus fruit, all this orange contained was brain matter and fractured bone.

“Jesus fucking hell!” one of the other cultists screamed, but then I silenced him with a quick stab of my blade through his open mouth.

The last fucker’s eyes grew wide, and he struggled with every fiber of his being to escape.

That wasn’t going to happen.

I grabbed the top of his head with my hand and snapped the man’s neck snapped like a dry piece of spaghetti.

As I went to turn my attention back to the battle at hand, one of Eligor’s throwing axes zipped past my head. There was a loud, wet “thunk,” and I saw another cultist’s body fall to the ground as I glanced back.

“Thanks for the save, Eligor!” I called out to the hovering knight.

“Don’t make it a habit!” she retorted in an uncharacteristically flirty tone.

On the other side of the yard, Metatron was absolutely destroying all of the fools who came up against him. The Archangel had changed out of his pristine white suit and was now in a suit of armor made of pure Angelglass. He held the largest broadsword I’d ever seen in his hands, and he was using it as both a sword and a club.

A blast of red Hellfire struck the Archangel in the chest, but he shrugged it off as if it were nothing. The blond man simply smiled at his attacker before he swung his weapon like a baseball bat. Blood sprayed from the cultist’s head as the blunt side of Metatron’s sword smashed into his face.

Even more brutal, the blow had knocked loose one of the fucker’s eyeballs. The cultist fumbled at his dangling orb frantically, but then his head was separated from his neck with another swing of the Angelglass sword.

“Damn,” I whistled, impressed with Metatron’s brutality.

I dispelled another flash of yellow Hellfire and blasted back with red flames of my own.

My unidentified attacker shrieked as his face was melted off his skull, and then I moved on to the next unlucky bastard.

I tossed a few fireballs at the next group of cultists as I ran, but they were prepared. They knocked away my attacks gracefully before responding with a hailstorm of yellow daggers.

I threw up a shield of purple to protect myself from the onslaught, but these guys were relentless. I let out a grunt of frustration as I pushed back against the force of the attacks and slowly made my way forward. These guys weren’t that strong, but the combined power of their attacks was enough to at least slow me down.

That’s when I saw the falcon circling their heads.

Aruna was here, and these guys were fucked.

Without warning, the falcon in the sky was covered with black ectoplasm as it slowly began to transform. It’s body grew to nearly ten times the size of a regular bird as its feathers turned into scaly skin and its beak stretched out into a snout. The tailfeathers went slender and elongated until they were nearly the same size as the creature’s body.

Aruna had just turned into a fucking alligator.

The airborne alligator plummeted down to the ground, just behind the attacking cultists, and then let out a loud grunt.

The first cultist went down as Aruna’s jaws clamped around his right arm and dragged him violently to the ground. The other two bastards tried to blast the Aruna-gator with their enchanted flames, but her ectoplasmic magic simply absorbed it harmlessly.

More importantly, their attention was no longer on me.

I summoned the yellow fire of hatred into my left hand and then launched a flurry of enchanted shuriken at the cultist on the left. The tiny, circular razors tore through his flesh like a swarm of angry bees, and he went down hard.

The last cultist standing spun around to face me just in time to get a face-full of my shuriken. He screamed horrifically as he was turned into a fucking pincushion, and then he stumbled backward, right toward the pool. The man tripped over his own feet, fell back into the water, and then disappeared beneath the waves.

The Aruna-gator snapped its head toward the commotion and caught the trapped cultist’s arm as it whipped its head around.

“Oh fuck!” the man gasped in agony. “Nonononononono!”

Aruna dragged the fucker by his broken arm over to the pool, flung him into the water like a rag doll, and then plopped over the edge. Next, there was the sound of horror-filled screams interspersed with snapping bones and violent splashing as the Aruna-gator tore the man limb-from-limb. Finally, the water went silent and red.

There was a flash of ectoplasm, and then the human form of Aruna emerged from the depths. She shook herself off like a wet dog before she strutted over to my position.

“That pool’s been through a lot in the last few days,” she purred and whipped out her bhuj weapon. “How many more of these men do you think there are?”

“I have no idea,” I admitted as I surveyed the battlefield.

Metatron was taking on a handful of cultists off to our left, and Eligor was fighting just in the air to our right.

The blonde knight used her elemental powers to literally move the Earth beneath the cultists’ very feet. As soon as they were on new ground, the attackers took a step forward, and Ariel’s “leapfrogs” activated.

Small metal casings sprung up behind the men, and then there was a blinding flash of white so strong I could see it through my closed eyelids. I could only imagine what it had done to the guys who’d just seen it from two feet away.

I didn’t have to imagine for very long, because when I opened up my eyes, I saw everything I needed to see.

There, where the cultists eyes should have been, were two pillars of billowing smoke. The men fumbled at their now-empty eye sockets, and then were ended swiftly by Eligor’s blade against their throats.

All the way across the yard, near the house, Libidine was attacking the cultists with acrobatic grace. The succubus had both of her hands aglow with yellow Hellfire as she spun around like a top and struck her enemies in the face.

“I think they’ve all got it handled,” I chuckled, but then I noticed another flash of green Hellfire.

Seven more cultists stepped through the portal and unleashed a slew of spells in our direction.

Aruna and I dashed out of the way in opposite directions just as the enchanted projectiles struck the sod beneath our feet, and then we both went on the offensive.

The Rakshashi tossed her chakram at the crowd with a mighty heave, but it was met almost instantly with a blast of blue Hellfire. The circular blade was instantly frozen in the air, but that was exactly what Aruna was hoping for.

The assassin’s body was engulfed with black ectoplasm, and then she turned into a tiny rabbit.

Now, I just needed a distraction.

I threw out a cast of green Hellfire around a nearby tree, ripped it out of the ground with a spray of sod and sand, and then hurled it at the cultists.

One of the men whipped around and caught the incoming log with his own emerald fire, but the other six remained focused on Aruna and me.

I instantly recognized the man who had single-handedly caught the tree, with his short-top gray hair and chiseled features.

It was Russo Cancio, the leader of the Order of the Exalted.

They must be running out of men, if they were desperate enough to send their leader after us.

I rolled out of the way of another blast of red Hellfire and came up swinging with my own shot of yellow.

The deadly shuriken blasted toward the cultist on the far left and took out his legs with a spray of blood. As he was falling to the ground, I threw up a small barrier of purple flames, and his face smashed into the rock-hard wall violently. His body twisted as it bounced off, and then it landed on the ground, motionless.

By this time, Aruna had closed the gap. The Rakshasi turned back into her human form, ran the blade of her bhuj through the first cultist’s throat, and then spun around and struck a second enemy in the throat with the weapon’s blunt end.

Her attack caused the man to release his blue Hellfire, and her magical chakram was now free.

Another cultist tried to blast the assassin, but she swiftly flipped over his head as he unleashed his attack. The Rakshasi landed at the end of the line and then held out her hand as if she was calling out to an unseen object.

Russo and two of the cultists must have figured out what she was doing, because they ducked down and rolled out of the way.

The other two, however, weren’t so lucky.

Aruna’s chakram flew back toward her extended hand. It zipped past the two remaining cultists in a blur, and then a river of blood flew out of their throats as it sliced them open.

The men fell to their knees and gasped for breath, but it was too late.

Just then, Cancio whipped the tree around like a giant club and smashed it into Aruna’s body.

“No!” I screamed angrily as I watched the unconscious Rakshasi tumble across the landscape.

I charged at the three remaining cultists with my sword drawn and red Hellfire at the ready.

Cancio took a swing at me with the enchanted tree, but I was able to duck out of the way.

I used my momentum to push myself off the ground and out of the way of another incoming fireball, but that must have been what they were expecting.

A blast of blue Hellfire hurled toward me, and I was forced to throw up a small violet barrier to keep myself from being frozen in place. However, the attack was able to halt my momentum, and I felt myself falling back toward the ground.

There was another hiss of Hellfire as a glowing green portal opened up just beneath my feet.

I didn’t know where that thing was leading to, and I sure as fuck wasn’t about to find out. I tucked my knees back into my chest, pressed the soles of my feet against my own purple shield, and propelled myself backward. As I tumbled through the air, I heard the wind swishing around me, and I knew what was coming.

Cancio’s tree smashed into the side of my body, and the world went white for a second as searing-hot pain shot through my ribs.

I rolled across the grass, but I was able to catch myself and flip up onto my knees.

The tree was coming down on me from above, and I quickly threw up a barrier of purple flames to block. I felt the reverberation of the impact in my very soul, and I swore I saw a shockwave shoot out from around my body as I held strong.

The two remaining cultists unleashed everything they had on my position, and I was forced to use my other hand to cast a protection spell around the rest of my body.

Cancio continued to hammer at my shield as violently as he could, and I wondered how much longer I could keep this up.

Both of my hands were currently being used for protective spells. If I wanted to fight back, I would have to expose myself.

Or would I?

I had an idea, but it would require me to get really, really angry. With my current situation, however, that should be no issue whatsoever.

I’d had about enough of the Order of the Exalted. They’d spent the last six months going around and tarnishing the good reputation I’d built up, and now that we were back on Earth, they’d tried to kill my friends and me. I wanted nothing more than to see these assholes’ heads on the pikes around my castle, and I was going to stop at nothing to make it happen.

Suddenly, I felt Hellfire engulf my body. I glanced down to see my torso and legs were completely covered by silver Hellfire, but my hands were still casting the purple protective spell.

I was fucking triple-casting, and now these guys were really fucked.

I pictured the bull-headed daggers in the cultists’ pockets. I pictured them melting into a silvery sludge and then turning themselves inside out so that, instead of hanging down harmlessly, they’d stab themselves up into the bastards’ guts. I felt the silver fire tingle across my body as I created the mental image.

Then I heard all three of the cultists let out a yelp of pain, and their attacks ceased.

I quickly decast my purple Hellfire, threw a wave of green over my body, and teleported myself over so I was directly behind the fuckers. Before any of them could respond, I stabbed the Unhallowed Sword through one of the grunts and blasted a basketball-sized hole through the chest of another.

I lashed out at Russo Cancio, but he apparently still had a little bit of fight left in him.

He ducked under my swing, ripped the dagger out of his gut, and took a stab at me.

I deflected the attack with a shield of purple, and his dagger blade snapped at the hilt. Then I summoned red Hellfire into my hand and slugged him in the face.

Cancio grunted in pain as the entire right side of his face was singed, but he was still going strong. He took another stab at me with his broken blade, but I simply sidestepped out of the way, grabbed his wrist, and twisted it so he’d release his weapon.

“I didn’t give you permission to remove that thing,” I growled at the cult leader.

Cancio looked at me with confusion in his eyes, and then it turned into a look of absolute horror.

I summoned silver Hellfire into my hands, engulfed his broken dagger with its shimmer, and then threw the liquified metal directly into his open wound.

The man began to flail wildly under my grip, but there was nothing he could do. I commanded the molten steel to enter his bloodstream and fill him with the essence of the very weapon he’d used to kill so many innocent people. Finally, I gave Russo Cancio a shove.

He tried to raise his flaming red hands in defense, but his fate was sealed.

I commanded the molten metal to return to me, as quickly as possible.

Cancio screamed as his flesh began to bubble intensely, and then bits of sharpened metal tore out of his body from the inside. The metal tore through just about every inch of the fucker’s body, and his blood sprayed onto my feet as he was reduced to nothing but a mutilated pulp.

I stepped back and took a few deep breaths. I’d had some creative kills in my time as a demon hunter and Demon King, but this one took the cake.

“FATALITY!” I heard Todd snicker from behind me.

I turned around and saw that Todd, Raph, Ariel, and Sia were now in the backyard.

Their weapons and clothes were all covered with blood, but otherwise they looked fine.

As I observed the rest of the battlefield, I realized it was over. All of the cultists, including their leader, were laying dead all around the yard.

“Holy fuck,” I whistled. “Did we kill the entire Order of the Exalted?”

“More or less,” Metatron noted as he, Aruna, who looked relatively unscathed from Cancio’s earlier attack, Liby, and Eligor walked up to me. “Everyone who tried to assault your home is dead. Surely, there are more members of the Order out there, but with Cancio now gone, it will take them decades to regroup.”

“If they even can regroup,” Raphael added.

“That’s it, then?” I asked rhetorically. “The Order is gone, and my name is cleared?”

“As long as you honor our deal,” Metatron said with a nod. “You act as our guy on the inside, and the Divine will stay off your case.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I couldn’t help but chuckle with relief. “I guess I’ll be adding ‘undercover spy’ to my list of--”

“Telefono!” Angelo Martatelli’s ghost called out from the house.

“What’s he on about?” Eligor asked as she placed her hands on her hips.

“Telefono!” Martatelli repeated, somewhat annoyed. “Jacob! Telefono!”

“Hey there, pal,” Todd growled as he pretended to roll up his sleeves and walk toward the house, “nobody calls my buddy that kinda slur!”

“He’s saying there’s a telephone call for Jacob,” Superbia corrected.

“Who the fuck is calling me at this time of night?” I pondered. “Whoever it is, it can wait.”

“Jacob!” the spectre called out again. “Madre!”

“He says it’s your mother,” Sia translated as she quirked an eyebrow.

“Ohhhh,” Todd snickered. “Maria Ralston is on the phone? I wanna talk to her. She hasn’t heard the smooth, soothing voice of the Toddster in years. Other than in her fantasies, of course.”

“I’m gonna ignore that,” I warned the imp, “but only once.”

“MILF!” Todd prodded as I ran back toward the house.

I gave the imp the finger, and his cackle rang in my ears as I approached the door. I had no idea why my mom would be calling at this time of the day, unless it was an emergency.

I threw open the sliding glass door, entered the house, and saw Angelo floating next to my phone on the coffee table.

It was vibrating like crazy, and when I picked it up, I saw that I had already missed five calls from my parents. Panic began to set in as my mind raced with possibilities.

Did Dad have another heart attack? Were they in a car accident? Was my deadbeat brother back in town?

I pressed the small green “answer” button, took a deep breath, and held the phone to my ear.

“Mom?” I asked in a fluster. “What’s wrong? Is everything--”

“You’re a really hard man to reach, King Ralston,” a deep, nasally voice cackled from the other side. “But I figured your parents might be able to tell me how to find you.”

My heart sank into my stomach as I recognized the voice instantly.

It was Beelzebub.

Chapter 17

“So, I must ask,” Beelzebub’s voice asked from the other side of the phone, “how many did my men take out? I figured they wouldn’t be able to kill you on their own, but please tell me they at least squashed that annoying imp.”

“Todd’s fine,” I growled into the microphone. “Where are my parents, you bastard? If you touch a single hair on their heads, I’ll--”

“So brutish,” the King of the Eighth Circle sneered. “Always jumping right to violence. I can see why Azazel was so intimidated by you, he couldn’t dare have anyone in Hell who was more boorish than he was.”

“Where the fuck are they, you cloak-wearing piece of shit?” I demanded.

“Relax, King Ralston,” the demon cackled. “They’re perfectly fine. Why would I kill them before I could get your attention? Of course, now that I have it, I can’t make any promises … say hello to your son for me, Mr. and Mrs. Ralston.”

“Jacob? Call the police!” I heard my mom cry from off in the distance.

“We’ll be fine, son,” my dad chimed in unconvincingly. “Don’t do anything stupid!”

“There?” Beelzebub was now back on the phone. “Satisfied? They’re alive and well.”

“Where are you, Beelzebub?” I hissed. “And what the fuck do you want from me?”

“I don’t want anything from you, King Ralston,” the Lord of the Flies retorted smugly. “I want you. I’m going to text you a set of coordinates. That’s where your parents and I will be, and that’s where you’ll come. You will come alone. If you don’t, I’ll slit their throats and force you to watch as their life drains from their very eyes.”

“When I find you, I’m going to--”

“I hope you realize the severity of what I just said,” Beelzebub mused. “No friends. No Archangels. No succubi. I have eyes and ears everywhere, King Ralston. If I even get so much of a hint that you’re bringing along company, you’ll find nothing at these coordinates but your parents’ corpses.”

“I’ll come alone,” I agreed. “It’ll be way more satisfying to kick your ass without any help, anyway.”

“Always the enthusiastic one,” the Demon King said with a click of his tongue. “I hope you get out here soon. You’d hate to keep us waiting.”

Before I could say anything snarky back, the other end of the line beeped and went to dial tone.

“Va tutto bene, amico mio,” Angelo said sympathetically.

The spectre attempted to give me a reassuring pat on the back, but his hand passed through my body as if it wasn’t there.

“Jacob?” Superbia asked as she stepped through the door. “Is everything alright?”

“Did Maria ask about me?” Todd asked hopefully as he entered just behind the succubus. “Did she sound like she was wearing something sexy?”

The rest of the team were right behind Todd and the madame, and soon we were all crammed into the living room of my mansion.

“G-guys … ” I stammered. “That was Beelzebub. He has my parents.”

The team let out a collective gasp.

“Then let’s go kick his ass,” Libidine growled. “We’ll call up your cultists,grab Shadow, and--”

“He told me to come alone,” I explained with a sigh. “If I don’t, he’s going to kill them.”

“But if you go alone, he’ll certainly kill you,” Raphael warned. “As you found out in Cortez, the Lord of the Flies is no pushover.”

“I could totally come with you, bro,” Todd announced. “I can turn all invisible imp, untie your parents, and then run off with them while you kick Brundlefly’s ass. After stealing a kiss from the damsel in distress, of course.”

“That’s too risky,” I explained. “If you so much as sneeze or kick up a cloud of sand when we’re out there, he’ll know. And then he’ll kill my parents. I have to go alone.”

“At least let me send one of my SWAT officers with you,” Metatron pleaded. “I have a guy, Zachariah, who is a brilliant marksman. He could hide up in a rock formation far away and cover you from afar.”

“And I could turn into a roadrunner or a coyote or something that would blend in,” Aruna offered.

“I’m not going to risk it, period,” I reiterated. “Not when my parents’ lives are at stake.”

“Jacob … ” Superbia sighed and placed her hand against my chest. “You have grown far more powerful than any of us could have ever imagined. You’re a king now, with a whole harem of powerful succubi and an army of friends and allies who would lay down their lives for you. But I’m not talking to you as any of the above. As your friend, your madame, your lover … you can’t take Beelzebub in a one-on-one battle. If you go alone, you will die.”

“I have no choice,” I explained. “I got my parents into this mess, and I’m going to get them out of it. Even if it means I have to trade my life for theirs.”

My friends tried to protest some more, but I was already on my way to the garage. I held out my hand, summoned silver Hellfire into it, and called a set of keys to me. I heard a few more desperate pleas as I entered the garage, but I ignored them.

My parents were in danger, and I wasn’t going to do anything that could possibly risk their lives.

I clicked the unlock button on the fob as I approached Stella, our bright red Maserati GT, and she chirped in response. I tossed open the door, plopped down into the low seat, and cranked the engine to life.

My phone dinged as a new message notification appeared, and I opened it up to see a set of coordinates. Then, as I was punching the numbers into the dashboard-mounted GPS of the car, it went off again.

I glanced down at my phone and instantly felt white-hot rage boil in the pit of my stomach.

It was a selfie of Beelzebub standing next to my dad. My father looked absolutely terrified, his eyes wide with fear and his lip trembling as sweat poured down his face. The King of the Eighth Circle had one of his bony claws extended against Dad’s face as if he were caressing him on the cheek.

When I found this fucker, he was going to pay. I was going to snap his lanky ass like a fucking twig and hang him with his own goddamn intestines. Then maybe Todd and I’d play soccer with his severed head.

Jesus. Maybe Beelzebub was right. Where were all these brutal thoughts coming from? Was I really destined to be the brutish leader that the Fourth Circle was used to having?

My thoughts were interrupted by Libidine pounding on the window.

I rolled it down and gave the succubus a piercing glare.

“I said I’m going alone,” I reiterated. “I’m not going to change my mind.”

“I know you won’t, my love,” Liby said sadly. “You’re much too headstrong for that. I just didn’t want you to leave without saying goodbye.”

The dark-haired succubus leaned her torso against the door of the vehicle, and her massive breasts pushed up into a huge line of cleavage. Her violet eyes stared at me as she grabbed me by the shirt, yanked me in close, and pressed her tender lips against mine. We kissed passionately for a solid minute before Liby pulled away.

“Just for luck,” the Sister of Lust said as she pulled away and shot me a wink.

“I’ll be back,” I promised. “I can’t die yet. I haven’t even got to see how Todd’s love story with the redheaded waitress works out.”

“Oh,” Liby giggled. “You certainly can’t miss that. It’ll be the inspiration for an Oscar-winning film some day.”

I gave the succubus one final nod as I clicked the garage door opener, and then I put Stella in reverse and backed out into the driveway. I whipped back into a small plot in the front yard, turned around, and headed for the main road.

I had to drive through the suburbs for a few minutes, but once I was out on the open road, I kicked the car into the highest gear and floored the gas. There was the squeal of tires against the asphalt as I gunned it and shot off down the highway like a bat outta Hell.

The coordinates Beelzebub gave me were way out in the middle of nowhere, somewhere off the beaten path in the desert. It was definitely a trap, but I had no choice. I was completely on my own, but I was almost certain Beelzebub wasn’t going to be.

As I cranked up the tunes of the rock song on the radio, I tried to push my feelings of doom and gloom to the back of my head. I was currently sitting in a super-sexy red sports car, I was King of an entire Circle of Hell, and I’d just made out with an amazingly hot succubus that thought the world of me.

Even if this somehow was my last day alive, I’d say I had a pretty damn good life.

I drove out for about another hour, with nothing around me but the desert, the setting sun, and the kickass jams of Metallica. Finally, the GPS dinged.

“Turn right, brother!” the voice of Hulk Hogan growled from the dashboard.

Todd had made the command decision to change all of our vehicles’ GPS navigation voices to famous pro wrestlers. As annoying as it could be sometimes, I had to admit it made me chuckle every now and then.

And I definitely needed a humorous moment right now.

I slammed on the brakes and whipped the car around so it was facing in the right direction.

There was only one problem. Stella may have been the fastest car that we owned, but it wasn’t exactly built for offroading. In fact, it was built for the exact opposite. There was nothing between me and my destination but open desert, and I would never make it there on time if I went by foot.

I was gonna have to improvise.

It didn’t take very much effort to conjure up the feelings needed for a protective spell. I cast a large strip of purple Hellfire as far as I possibly could, just inches above the sandy landscape before me. Then I kicked Stella back into gear, slammed down on the gas pedal, and sped off into the night.

I continued into the desert for about twenty more minutes, making sure to cast new strips of enchanted road as I drove.

Then I saw them.

My parents were both tied by their hands to a large metal pole that had been leaned up against a large rock formation. Right next to them stood Beelzebub, who almost looked bored as he sat back against the structure and zoned off into space. Of course, when he saw me approaching, he sprung to his feet.

I slowed down to a crawl, decast my protective spell, and stepped out of the car. I was still wearing my full suit of body armor, and I had the Unhallowed Sword strapped to my waist alongside the Divine Desert Eagle and a few small incendiary grenades.

As I walked toward Beelzebub’s position, I summoned purple flame into my hands, cast it over my body, and created a suit of glowing Hellfire armor. At the same time, a dull throbbing started in my temples, and the dusky air around me lit up with blue light.

Those would be my horns.

I wasn’t going to fuck around with the King of the Eighth Circle, and I wanted him to know that.

“There’s the man of the hour!” Beelzebub exclaimed happily as he saw me approach. “And he actually listened to me and came alone! Doesn’t that make you happy, Maria?”

“Don’t fucking talk to her!” I growled and blasted a shot of red Hellfire at the Demon King.

Beelzebub threw his large black wing in front of the attack, and it bounced off harmlessly.

“He’s definitely got your temper, doesn’t he, Jeff?” he cackled and patted my father on the head. “Do you know how many different profane names he’s called me in the last few hours?”

“Not enough, you sonofabitch!” my dad shot back.

“Let them go, Beelzebub,” I demanded. “This is between you and me.”

“Of course it is,” the King of the Eighth Circle said through a devilish grin. “It’s always been about the two of us. Two Demon Kings who want the same thing.”

“What is he talking about, Jacob?” my mother asked with fear in her voice.

“I’ll explain later, Mom,” I promised, but I didn’t take my eyes off the demon in front of me. “We don’t want the same thing, Beelzebub. I just want to be left the fuck alone with my friends.”

“Is that what you really want, though?” the King of the Eighth Circle questioned. “If that was the case, you would have stopped when you were ahead. You had everything you could have possibly ever wanted. You had the Divine on your side … multiple succubi at your beck and call … multiple successful business and a huge mansion any mortal would kill for. Yet, here you are, sticking your nose in places it doesn’t belong.”

“You’re trying to overthrow the entire order of the universe,” I growled as I came to a halt about one-hundred feet away from my enemy. “I can’t just sit around and do nothing while you’re putting innocent peoples’ lives in danger.”

“And that, my friend,” Beelzebub cackled, “is why you’ll never truly be accepted as a Demon King by the other Kings of Hell. You’ve got far too much good in you. That’s why you can’t stop running back to the Divine pigs, right? Because you want to ‘do good’ in the universe?”

“That’s right,” I assured him. “As stuck-up and annoying as they can be sometimes, at least they’re on the right side.”

“Right side?” the Lord of the Flies scoffed and slapped my dad on the shoulder. “Get a load of your son, will ya? He still thinks there’s a ‘right side’ in this war.”

Beelzebub pulled away from my parents and began to pace around in the sand with his bony hands behind his back.

“You see, Jacob,” he explained, “there is no right side in the eternal war for the fate of the universe. Uriel understood that, and I know deep down you do, too.”

“Call me old fashioned,” I snarked back, “but I think that literal demons from the pits of Hell are pretty clearly the ‘bad guys’ in this situation.”

“Then why do you ally yourself with so many of them?” Beelzebub shot back. “Some of your closest friends are succubi, imps, Demon Lords, and the Souls of Sinners who were damned to eternal Hellfire. If you truly thought they were evil, you wouldn’t be working with them.”

“They might have demonic origins, but they’re not evil,” I growled. “You, on the other hand--”

“Am what?” Beelzebub laughed. “Insane? A heretic? A radical?”

“You’re a fucking abomination to the universe,” I shot back, “that’s what you are.”

“Oh, that’s rich,” he said as his eyes narrowed. “Especially coming from you. Do you even really know what you are?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I demanded.

Beelzebub recoiled in surprise, and then an evil grin of realization crept up his face.

“They haven’t told you?” he asked rhetorically as he pointed to my parents. “None of the Divine have told you, either? Azazel didn’t even rub it in your face as he was dying?”

“Spit it out, asshole,” I growled. “What, you think you can insult me by calling me a mortal? How fucking original.”

“But you’re not a mortal, Jacob.” Beelzebub smiled and crossed his arms over his chest. “You never have been. Isn’t that right, Mr. and Mrs. Ralston?”

The Demon King looked over at my parents, who remained deathly silent. They were both staring down at the ground with shame on their faces, and they looked like they were frozen in place.

“M-mom? Dad?” I stuttered. “What’s he talking about?”

“Jacob … ” my mom muttered. “I’m sorry. We should have told you sooner.”

“Dad, what’s he talking about?” I asked again, this time more forcefully.

“Oh, you should probably stop calling him ‘Dad,’” Beelzebub suggested. “Isn’t that right, Jeff?”

“Liar!” I growled. “I’ve had about enough of your bullshit, Beelzebub. Stop trying to get into my head and face me like a man.”

The Lord of the Flies laughed as he spread out his massive bat wings and summoned his trusty bow into his hand with a snap of his fingers.

“As you wish, Nephilim,” he said with a tone that oozed venom.

Even though my adrenaline was pumping and I was ready to kill this bastard, his words echoed in my head.

He was lying. He had to be lying.

Everyone made it a huge point to call me “mortal.” There was no way I was a fucking Nephilim. And how the fuck would that even happen? My parents were super-strict Christians, through and through.

The next thing I knew, a flaming red arrow struck me right in the chest and sent me tumbling through the sand. I came to a halt, spat out a mouthful of sand, and pulled myself to my feet.

Son of a bitch, I hadn’t even seen that coming. He really had gotten inside my head.

“Jacob!” Dad gasped. “Are you alright?”

“I’ll be fine,” I promised. “Believe it or not, I’ve taken much harder blows than that.”

Before I could continue, Beelzebub fired another enchanted arrow at my head. This time, I was able to toss up a shield of purple Hellfire just in time, but the impact was massive. My feet slid back into the sandy ground, but my barrier held.

If I wanted any sort of shot at Beelzebub, I was gonna have to get in close. His bow and arrow was a weapon tailored to keep his opponents far away, and the near-impenetrable hide of his wings made it so my Hellfire was no good.

However, Beelzebub wasn’t a brawler. If I could get close enough to the fucker, maybe I could take a shot at him.

And with the Unhallowed Sword, all I’d need is one good strike.

I decast my protective spell and took off as I tried to flank Beelzebub to the left.

He took aim with his bow once more, and I felt a blast of intense heat and the spray of sand as his arrow just narrowly missed me. The Lord of the Flies let out a growl of frustration as he aimed once more, but this time I was ready.

The second Beelzebub let go of his arrow, I threw up a portal of green Hellfire in front of its trajectory. The flaming arrow reappeared directly behind the King of the Eighth Circle, struck him between the shoulderblades, and caused him to stumble forward.

Now was my chance. I summoned my bronze Hellfire of judgement into my hands and blasted it down at my opponent’s feet.

The Earth shook beneath Beelzebub and caused him to fully lose his balance and fall to his knees.

I used this brief distraction to close the gap on the fucker. I unsheathed the Unhallowed Sword as I ran, raised it above my head, and prepared to crush Beelzebub’s noggin like a watermelon.

Unfortunately, the Lord of the Flies was onto me.

He threw out his razor-sharp wings as far as they could go and began to spin around rapidly. The Demon King created a deadly funnel cloud of sand and spikes, and I was headed right toward it.

I tried to halt my momentum, but I was coming in too hot. The next thing I knew, one of Beelzebub’s wings struck me in my chest, and sparks flew from my armor as I stumbled backward. Something felt warm and wet underneath my armor, and I glanced down to see a massive slice on the breastplate with dark red blood oozing out beneath it.

Thank god I had this enchanted armor, or those fucking things would have cut me in half.

Beelzebub rose up into the air, still under the cover of his miniature sandstorm.

I tried to hit him with a blast of yellow shuriken, but they instantly scattered into the wind when they hit the funnel.

A flaming red arrow shot from inside the storm, and I quickly rolled to the side to keep myself from being skewered.

This fucker knew my armor was damaged.

I was sure he was going to take every opportunity to attack this weak point, so I couldn’t let him have even one chance. I ducked out of the way of another arrow as I tried to figure out how to get him exposed again.

Then it hit me. Maybe I could trap him in his own deadly spell.

I quickly threw up four walls of purple Hellfire, one on each side of the funnel cloud. Then I slowly began to close the walls around Beelzebub.

“Very clever, King Ralston,” the Demon King’s voice sneered. “But not quite clever enough.”

As soon as the purple barriers hit Beelzebub’s wings, they were torn to shreds. The King of the Eighth circle suddenly popped out of his funnel and unleashed another arrow down onto me.

This time, I wasn’t ready. I tried to hop to the side, but the projectile struck me in the left shoulder, spun me around, and caused me to fall to the ground. My shoulder felt like it was on fire, but I didn’t have time to dwell on the pain.

Beelzebub came down onto my position with his wings aimed at my neck, and I just barely rolled out of the way in time.

I hopped up to my feet, gripped the Unhallowed Sword, and brought it upward in a slashing motion. My blade connected with Beelzebub’s right wing, and the fucker let out a hiss of pain as I put a foot-long gash in his hide. I instantly cast a portal of green Hellfire beneath my feet and fell down into it, just as Beelzebub took a swing at my head.

I reappeared a few feet in front of the Demon King’s exposed body, and I unloaded the strongest blast of Divine Light I could muster.

Beelzebub let out a grunt as he was tossed backward. As he tumbled, he closed his wings around his body so he was curled up like a ball. Once he was about fifty feet away, he popped them open and took to the sky.

Without warning, another arrow careened toward my position.

I leapt out of the way as a spray of sand shot into the air, and then I tried to regroup.

Now, I knew my blade could cut through his wings. The problem was, I couldn’t get close enough to him to make it count. As soon as I got within a few feet of the fucker, he either shot me with an arrow or spun around like the tasmanian devil.

If I wanted to even the odds, I had to take away his agility.

I really wished Eligor was here. She could have used her elemental magic to summon tendrils or something that would hold him in place. The only thing I had even close to that skill set was my silver Hellfire, but where was I going to find enough metal to make a restraint?

Then it hit me.

The car.

I dodged away from another one of Beelzebub’s projectiles and took off in a full sprint toward Stella. As I ran, I summoned silver flames into my hands, cast them around the sedan’s two doors, and then turned them into liquid metal. Then I spun around and commanded the silvery substance to encase the demon in its embrace.

The liquid shot across the sky like a rocket before it formed into an orb around Beelzebub’s body and constricted him tightly.

The Lord of the Flies screamed with frustration as his arms, legs, and wings were rendered useless, and he plummeted to the ground. Beelzebub hit the ground hard and then rolled a few feet to a stop.

I could already see his wings were threatening to escape their metal prison, and I dashed toward the fucker at lightning speed.

Apparently, that still wasn’t quick enough.

The orb exploded into a shower of deadly shards in all directions, and I had to toss up a shield around myself and my parents to keep us from being turned into swiss cheese.

As soon as the coast was clear, I decast my spell.

Beelzebub was already on me.

I ducked down and avoided the points of his razor-sharp wings, but the fucker had me in his clutches. I tried to lash out at him with the Unhallowed Sword, but he caught my hand by the wrist.

The Demon King and I were eye-to-eye, and he was ready to go for the killing blow.

If I didn’t do something drastic right here and now, this was it.

So, I summoned silver Hellfire onto my body and then commanded it to pull the pins out of the grenades on my belt.

“Fuck you, Beelzebub,” I growled as he reared back his right wing and prepared to skewer me.

I threw down a small shield of purple Hellfire just as the incendiary grenades went off. My entire skeleton rattled in my body as the shockwaves knocked me to the ground, but my plan had worked.

Beelzebub let out a shriek of pain as his entire lower body caught on fire, and then he quickly spun around like a madman to put it out.

However, the damage had been done.

When he came to a halt, the fucker was covered with second-degree burns from his bellybutton to his knees.

“Ohhhh,” I mocked. “The ladies really aren’t gonna like that one, are they?”

“Nephilim slime!” Beelzebub sneered. “You’re an abomination to the natural order. Nobody should have the power you do! Especially not someone as reckless and undeserving as you!”

The Unhallowed Sword had been knocked out my hand by the explosion, and it was lying in the sand only a few feet away. I called forth green Hellfire to my hands, cast it over the black blade, and tried to bring it back into my possession.

Tried.

As the deadly weapon flew through the air, Beelzebub intercepted it. He snatched it out of the sky, twisted around, and swung at my legs.

I hopped up into the air just as the blade passed beneath my feet. Then I came up with a blast of red Hellfire.

Beelzebub covered himself with his wings, and the attack bounced off without leaving so much as a scratch.

Now, the Lord of the Flies had the only weapon that could hurt him.

Or so he thought.

I reached down into my belt, grabbed the Divine Desert Eagle, and took aim.

Beelzebub halted, mid-flight, and his eyes widened with terror.

“You know what this is, don’t you?” I panted.

Before he could answer, I squeezed the trigger on the golden gun.

A literal fireball of Divine Light blasted from the muzzle, and a glowing white bullet cut through the sky.

Beelzebub covered himself with his wings and tried to dodge, but the enchanted projectile cut through his left wing as if it were nothing. There was a searing sound as the King of the Eighth Circle let out a scream and fell out of the air.

Unfortunately, the kickback of the gun was just as much of a bitch as Ariel warned. As soon as I fired the damn thing, it exploded.

My left hand was completely fucked up. My palm was burnt to a literal crisp, and my veins were glowing red as they throbbed in my hand. At least, that’s what I thought they were doing. My entire left arm was numb, so I couldn’t feel anything.

As Beelzebub unfolded his wings, I saw he was just as fucked up as I was. The bullet had hit him in the left arm, which now hung down uselessly. The flesh on the appendage was completely black, almost as if his very cells had all been killed at once.

“I-I don’t need my arm to kill you,” he panted as he began to march toward me.

How the fuck was this guy still going? He may have looked like a string bean, but he was apparently tough as nails.

Me, on the other hand? I was exhausted, battered, and wounded. I’d lost god knows how much blood, and my left hand was out of commission for the moment.

I was in no shape to continue this battle.

Which was why I needed to end it right now. Or, at least, put it on hiatus.

It was a risky move. I hadn’t cast this spell in nearly three years, but I still remembered it by heart.

It was the spell I’d used to send Azazel back to Hell, the one that banished him from the Earth permanently. If I wasn’t powerful enough to outright kill Beelzebub, I could at least send him back where he belongs and prepare for round two.

I closed my eyes as I called Divine Light into my body and tried to feel the energy of the souls around me. A wave of warmth swept across my body as I channeled the souls of my parents, the two human beings on this Earth who were closest to me. As I prepared for the spell, I felt a huge surge of energy. When I finally opened my eyes, Beelzebub was about twenty feet away, with the Unhallowed Sword at the ready.

“Eieci te ad infernum unde venistis!” I hissed.

Beelzebub jumped up into the air, raised the weapon above his head, and prepared to slice me open like a stuffed hog.

Then he froze in place as his body was surrounded by white Hellfire. A small portal of the colorless flames opened up just below his body, and a handful of pure-energy tendrils shot out and wrapped around his arms, legs, and wings.

“You Nephilim bastard,” Beelzebub growled. “I had you dead to rights!”

“Sure you did,” I mocked. “Now, you’re going back to Hell. Banished from Earth Realm for all eternity.”

“You think that changes things?” the King of the Eighth Circle sneered. “I will still build up my Army of the Dejected, and then I will march into the Fourth Circle and rip you and your friends to shreds!”

“I’m looking forward to you trying,” I shot back. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a mansion to get back to. Eieci te ad infernum unde venistis!”

The tendrils tightened around Beelzebub, and he dropped the Unhallowed Sword from his grip.

I caught the falling weapon with a cast of emerald flame and then moved it back into my good hand. Then I sheathed my blade as I watched Beelzebub struggle against the sacred spell.

The lanky demon put up less of a fight than Azazel had, and he was forced back down into the depths of Hell fairly quickly. As he disappeared into the white flames, he let out a roar of anger, and then everything went silent.

I let out a sigh of relief as I began to hobble over to my parents. Sure, I’d only put off my inevitable final battle with Beelzebub, but at least I would live to see another day. Plus, the fucker couldn’t come back to Earth Realm even if he wanted to.

That in itself was a huge win.

I summoned silver Hellfire into my hands and tried to cast it on the pole that held my parents. Instantly, my ears were filled with a shrill, high-pitched whine.

Enchanted metal. Of fucking course it was.

“Hold still, guys,” I commanded as I pulled out the combat knife Ariel had made me.

“Jacob?” my mom gasped. “What is going on? What was that thing, and what does he want with you?”

“And where did you learn to shoot fire from your hands?” my dad added in shock. “And when did you start growing horns?”

I cut the bonds around both of my parents’ hands, and they instantly wrapped me in a warm embrace.

“It’s okay,” I promised. “You guys are safe now. I’ll explain everything on the way home.”

“Your hand!” Dad said in horror. “What happened to your hand?”

“It’s nothing Superbia can’t fix,” I explained.

“That nice girl you brought to dinner?” Mom asked. “She’s in on this, too?”

“Yes, she is,” I admitted. “Come on, let’s go back to my place. We can talk on the way there.”

“I’ve always wanted to see your place in Albuquerque,” Dad chuckled. “I just didn’t think this would be the way I saw it.”

“Actually,” I corrected him, “my place is in Phoenix. I haven’t lived in Albuquerque in years.”

Both of my parents looked at each other and then gave me a scowl.

“What else aren’t you telling us?” my mom asked curiously.

“I dunno,” I shot back. “What aren’t you telling me? Is it true what he said?”

The expressions on Mom and Dads’ faces went stone cold, and they looked at each other nervously.

“Well … it’s … ” Mom muttered, nearly in tears. “We were just stupid kids, Jacob.”

I could feel the color drain from my face at their words, and my head started to spin.

“We were messing around with some old spell book I found at the library,” Dad explained. “I said some words in Latin, and then the next thing I know, the world goes black.”

“For him,” my mom continued. “He kept acting like your father, even though something felt slightly … off about him. I thought it was just because he was nervous. We made love, and then nine months later, you arrived.”

“We thought things were strange when you were a toddler,” Dad sighed. “So, we went to an expert on occultism and demonology and all that stuff. He mentioned something about a ritual where a demon takes over the man’s body? Apparently that was what I activated when I said those words.”

Holy fuck. It was the same ritual we’d stopped back in San Francisco.

Only this time, it actually happened.

And I was the result.

“So … ” I asked, not really wanting to know the answer. “Who is my ‘father?’ Which demon am I descended from?”

“That I don’t know, son,” my dad sighed. “Apparently he was very discreet, and he never gave your mother his name.”

“Let’s go home, Jacob,” Mom tried to comfort me, even though she was an emotional wreck herself. “We have a lot to talk about on the ride back.”

Yeah, we sure as fuck did.

Chapter 18

The next few hours flew by like a dream. Maybe it was the shock of what I had just learned, or maybe it was the fact the adrenaline was finally wearing off and my whole body ached.

As soon as I got back to the car, I ripped off my breastplate and inspected the wound on my chest. It was a pretty gnarly gash, and it still oozed blood as it soaked my black t-shirt and ran down my torso. It wasn’t as deep as I’d initially thought, but I really didn’t want to lose any more blood than I had to. Plus, I’d hate to ruin Stella’s leather interior.

“That looks bad,” my mom observed. “Do you have any gauze or bandages in your--“

Before she could continue, I summoned red Hellfire into my right hand, slapped it against my chest, and grimaced as my wound was seared shut. My nostrils filled with the distinct smell of burning flesh, but my spell had done what it needed to do. My wound was cauterized.

“Holy crap, son,” Dad mused. “Is that healthy?”

“Not really,” I admitted as I slowly slid down into the driver’s seat of the red Maserati GT, “but it only has to hold for the next hour or so. As soon as we get back to Sia, she’ll heal me up, good as new.”

My dad popped the seat of the coupe forward, hopped into the back awkwardly, and then pulled the chair back up into position.

Mom sat down in the passenger’s seat and stared off into the abyss of the night.

“You alright?” I asked her as she continued her thousand-yard-stare.

“It’s just … a lot to take in,” Mom sighed. “I always wondered if we did the right thing by not telling you the truth, you know? As if somehow that would keep you protected from this world of deep dark demons and monsters, and you could live your life as a normal boy from Missouri. But I heard him call you a king? King of what? How deep into this are you?”

“If the last few minutes didn’t give it away,” I chuckled as I put the keys in the ignition and started the engine, “pretty damn deep.”

Mom buried her head in her hands and began to bawl like a baby.

“Dear … it’s alright,” my father tried to reassure her. “It’s not our fault.”

“Of course it’s our fault!” she snapped back. “We were the ones who were messing around with a book of spells, and we were the ones who kept this hidden from him for so many years. Who else’s fault could it be?”

“Mom, it’s okay,” I promised her. “Things are actually way better now that I’ve been swept up in this world. In fact, Todd and I--”

“Todd had something to do with this?” Dad grumbled from the back seat. “I should have known. That kid was always running around with the Satan worshippers, smoking the Devil’s Lettuce and playing that pagan Dungeons and Dragons game.”

“Okay, so I get you guys were just dumb kids and didn’t know any better,” I blurted, “but neither of you strike me as the type to play around with demonic spells. You both were super-religious when I was growing up.”

“That was a cause and effect,” my mom explained as she began to sober up. “We weren’t so religious until, well, we found out about you. Then we made sure we said our daily prayers and took you to church and all that jazz. If we really had a half-demon child on our hands, the last thing we wanted was for you to grow up into some sort of Omen child.”

“Well, you did a good job,” I reassured her. “I may be a Demon King, but I’m also ‘Heaven’s golden boy’ according to all of my peers.”

“Wait,” Dad said curiously as he leaned forward and poked his head between the front seats. “If you’re Heaven’s golden boy, does that mean you’ve met him?”

“The Exalted One?” I asked. “No, not quite yet. But I have met several of his Archangels, both as friend and foe. There’s actually quite a lot to explain.”

I summoned purple Hellfire into my hands and spread it out across the sandy desert in front of us.

“Whoa,” my dad gasped. “Is that part of your demon magic?”

“Sure is,” I said with a grin as I kicked Stella into gear and took off down the enchanted road.

We spent the next hour clearing the air. I told my parents all about my adventures with the succubi and Todd and Raph over the last few years, about how we slowly but surely weakened Azazel by stealing his followers and then went down into Hell and killed him. I explained I was now the Demon King of the Fourth Circle, and how the guy they just saw me fight was trying to overthrow me and then conquer the universe.

In return, they told me about all the crazy shit that had happened when I was a child. Apparently, all of the “child psychologists” I’d gone to when I was little were really occult experts who were making sure I wasn’t turning evil. They also told me about how I had somewhat of a mean streak as a toddler, punching kids who stole my toys and hurling curse words at my pre-K teachers. My parents continued to explain how they were terrified to send me to public school out of fear I’d snap and literally rip some kid’s head off. That’s where Todd came in, allegedly. Once I started my friendship with the future imp, my demeanor became much more relaxed.

I honestly didn’t have the heart to tell them it was probably thanks to all the weed the two of us smoked under the bleachers at lunch every day.

Finally, we pulled into the driveway of my mansion, popped open the garage door, and then pulled into the carport.

Ariel was tinkering at the workbench when we entered, but she perked up as soon as she saw the headlights against the wall.

I wasn’t even fully out of the car before Ariel dashed over and wrapped her arms around me in a warm embrace. She squeezed tightly, and a small wave of pain shot up my ribs. I let out an uneasy grunt as my face turned to a grimace, and the angel must have gotten the implication.

She let go, giggled, and then looked down at the ground bashfully.

“Sorry,” she apologized. “I should have figured you’d be injured. But I’m just so happy you’re home!”

My parents got out of the door-less Maserati and stretched groggily as they looked around at my garage. Then my mom cleared her throat quite obnoxiously.

“Oh, right,” I mused. “Where are my manners? Ariel, these are my parents. Mom, Dad, this is Ariel. She’s an angel.”

“My, my, my,” Mom chuckled. “Jacob usually doesn’t have such kind words to say about his girlfriends. He must really like you.”

“No, Mom,” I grumbled. “She’s literally an angel. Like, from Heaven.”

“Ohhhhhh,” my mom laughed. “I guess I should have known. It’s nice to meet you, Ariel.”

“Jeff Ralston,” Dad interjected as he stuck out his hand as only a dad could. “Nice to meet you.”

“It’s very nice to meet you, too,” Ariel chuckled and shook his hand. “You’ve raised quite the gentleman, I must say.”

“I think that’s my cue to leave,” I laughed as I headed toward the door. “I think I’m gonna get stuck to the floor with all this sap that’s oozing out everywhere.”

I hobbled through the threshold of the mansion and then limped into the living room.

All of my friends were sitting around on the various seats, completely silent as they awaited my return.

Angelo Martatelli was the first one to notice me enter the room. His eyes lit up as he hopped up onto his “feet” and floated over to where I was standing.

“Jacob!” he exclaimed. “Amico!”

“Jakey’s back!” Todd yelled as he hopped up onto the back of the couch.

“Oh thank God,” Superbia gasped as if she were breathing for the first time since I had left.

All of my friends stood up to greet me excitedly, and they all wore looks of exhaustion mixed with relief.

“Did you do it?” Raphael asked in a hushed voice. “Did you actually kill Beelzebub?”

“I wish,” I admitted as Superbia walked over and placed a glowing gold hand on my chest. “He put up one Hell of a fight, and I was starting to feel myself wear down. So, I banished him back to Hell with a little help from that spell I used the first time I fought Azazel.”

“So, the King of the Eighth Circle still lives?” Metatron added.

“Unfortunately,” I growled as I felt my chest wound scab over and then fade away. “But he’s not Earth Realm’s problem anymore.”

“Yeah,” Todd said with a coy nod. “Now that Brundlefly’s been permabanned from Earth and all his little lackeys are dead, he’s got next to no influence up here, bro. He’s basically shootin’ blanks.”

Metatron raised an eyebrow at the imp and then turned to Raphael.

“You’ll get used to his antics eventually,” Raph explained. “I promise.”

“For sure, bro,” Todd added. “You may as well start to call me Soundwave, because soon I’m gonna be your number one tiny guy! No homo.”

“Uh, sure,” Metatron sighed. “Jacob, are you sure that was the best course of action? The forces of the Divine are forbidden from entering Hell, doing so would be seen as an act of war. If Beelzebub is limited to the depths of the underworld, Raphael and I can’t help you fight him.”

“I know,” I admitted. “That’s why I’ve got something important for you to do, Raph.”

“What would that be?” Raph asked hopefully.

“Raph,” I asked as seriously as I could, “I’m going to need somebody I can trust to be my eyes and ears up here on Earth Realm. Beelzebub might be banished to Hell, but his army of Daeva and his demonic allies aren’t. Would you be willing to take on the official role of General for my forces here on Earth?”

“General?” the dark-haired man gasped. “I-I’d be honored. I haven’t held a title like that one in centuries.”

“You’d be in charge of all of my cultists, as well as any of the succubi or other allies who remain here on Earth,” I explained.

“Oof,” Todd whistled. “Oliver’s gonna shit his cargo shorts when he hears that.”

“Oliver and Jane are still the leaders of the Cult of Ralston,” I reiterated, “but now they’ll have to report to you before they make any major decisions.”

“Speakin’ of which … ” Todd interjected, “where is old bird-nest head right now?”

“Oliver and Jane are hunting down the last remnants of Beelzebub's cult,” Sia explained. “With any luck, they’ll be eliminated within the next few months.”

“Leading a cult would be a big task … ” Raph pondered aloud. “Would the Exalted One even be alright with me doing that?”

“I’m sure we can work out an arrangement,” Metatron said with a nod. “Anything to keep our greatest asset secure.”

Greatest asset. I bit my lip as I thought about the new information I’d just been given by Beelzebub. Metatron knew what I was. So did the Exalted One.

“Were you ever planning on telling me about my heritage?” I blurted out.

The color drained from Metatron’s face, and he crossed his arms on his chest.

“Who told you?” he asked gravely. “I figured you’d find out eventually.”

“Wait,” Libidine asked curiously, “find out about what?”

“What about you, Raph?” I accused the dark-haired Archangel. “Did you know?”

“Of course I knew,” the Archangel admitted, but he averted his eyes from mine.

“Knew what, Raphey?” Todd interjected. “I really feel like we’re about to be hit with an exposition-bomb here.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

I thought I’d be angry, but I wasn’t. It was more of a feeling of betrayal, the likes of which I hadn’t felt since I’d walked in on my last ex-girlfriend with another guy. I’d known Raphael for almost three years. Why was he keeping this from me?

Raphael hung his head in shame.

“I should have told you sooner,” he moped. “I didn’t wish to keep it from you, I really didn’t.”

“What are you talking about?” Todd was now nearly demanding.

“Then why did you?” I hissed as I walked over to the Archangel.

I was up close to Raph’s face, but he wouldn’t even look me in the eyes.

“I didn’t tell you because, as stupid as it may sound, I didn’t think it mattered,” he admitted.

“Didn’t think it mattered?” I guffawed. “This matters a whole fucking lot!”

“Jacob,” Raph sighed, “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want it to influence your decisions. I wanted you, Jacob Ralston, to control your own destiny, not some Demon Lord that bore your DNA.”

“Wait,” Eligor gasped. “Are you saying--”

“You’re killin’ me, Smalls!” Todd groaned and rubbed his hands over his eyes.

“I’m a Nephilim, Todd!” I burst out angrily, and the whole room went silent.

Honestly, saying it out loud made me feel a whole lot better. I suddenly didn’t feel as angry or betrayed, and it was as if the largest weight in the universe had now been lifted off my chest.

“That’s why I can control the powers of both Heaven and Hell,” I continued. “That’s why so many powerful Demon Kings and the Exalted One have taken an interest in me. I’m one of the most powerful beings in the universe, the spawn of a demon and a human.”

“Damn … ” Todd mused in a tone much too serious for him. “You’re telling me Maria Ralston had sex with a demon? Lucky bastard.”

I let out a deep sigh and then proceeded to explain to my friends everything my parents told me.

They all listened with bated breath, and I could see in their eyes they had a million questions.

“So, yeah,” I said as I finished my story. “That’s the long and short of it. I’m Jacob Ralston, King of the Fourth Circle and Nephilim.”

“Nephilim of Hell,” Raphael corrected. “Since angels can breed with humans too, you have to add the--you know what? It’s not important.”

“I actually kinda like that title,” I laughed. “It sounds way more badass than ‘mortal.’”

“I could get behind that,” Superbia mused. “Jacob Ralston, King of the Fourth Circle, Leader of the Cult of Ralston, and Nephilim of Hell.”

“Stay faaaar away from coffee shops, Jakey,” Todd warned. “If they gotta write that on your order, they’re gonna be spitting in your drink.”

“So, what happens now?” Libidine spoke up, and I could hear the concern in her voice. “This changes everything.”

I walked over to the succubus, placed my hand against her cheek, and looked deep into her violet eyes.

“It doesn’t change anything,” I promised. “At least, not when it comes to me. I’m still the same guy I was when you met me. I’ll still be a benevolent ruler, and taking care of you girls is still at the top of my list.”

“Honestly?” Aruna’s voice spoke-up from the shadows in the corner. “It mostly just means he’s going to have even more people gunning for his head.”

“Great,” I noted as I turned to the Rakshasi. “So, that means we might be meeting as adversaries next time?”

A sly smile slid up Aruna’s face as she shrugged.

“Perhaps,” she answered coyly. “It all depends on how much you’re willing to counter-offer. As much as I like you, Jacob, we Rakshasi have a strict code to follow.”

“Well, if anyone ever tries to put a hit on me, just let me know,” I begged the assassin. “I’ll make sure to double your price.”

“Now, that’s what I like to hear,” Aruna purred. “But now that the job is done and I know you’ve returned safely, I must be going. Good luck, Jacob.”

With that, the Rakshasi assassin strutted over to the door, flung it open, and surrounded herself with black ectoplasm. Her figure shifted into that of a hawk, and then she soared off into the night.

“I must be leaving now, as well,” Metatron admitted. “Come, Angelo.”

Martatelli’s ghost rubbed his hands together happily as he floated over to where the Archangel was standing.

“Awww,” Todd pouted. “Super Mario’s not coming back to Hell with us?”

Angelo’s brow furrowed, and he shook his head vigorously in disagreement.

“I’ve offered Angelo a consulting job back in Heaven,” Metatron explained. “I trust he will like it much better up there, and we could use his scientific and paranormal knowledge.”

“Wasn’t he killed for being a heretic?” Eligor questioned.

“He was,” Metatron nodded, “but, much like everyone else in this room, he has atoned for his sins. I look forward to your weekly updates, Jacob. Now, if you’ll excuse us--”

“Wait!” I called out before the Archangel vanished. “How are we supposed to get back down to Hell? Please don’t tell me we have to drive all the way back out to Virginia.”

“Of course not,” the Archangel chuckled. “I’ve spoken with the Exalted One himself, and he’s given you a verbal waiver. You and your … family may travel between Hell and Earth Realm at your leisure simply by using your green Hellfire. The only stipulation is you may only teleport to places you’ve already been.”

“Fucking fast-travel,” Todd grumbled under his breath.

“Goodbye, everyone.” Metatron gave us one last nod as he summoned Divine Light into his hands.

Soon, he and Martatelli were both engulfed by the vibrant spell.

“Addio!” the scientist’s spectre called out as the two of them disappeared into the brilliant light.

I walked over to Raphael and extended my hand.

“We’ll see you around, my friend,” I mused as we shook. “Take care of everything while we’re gone. I’ll still be popping back up every now and again, but I have a feeling a lot of our work is gonna be done in Hell for the foreseeable future.”

“Good luck, Jacob,” the Archangel said somberly. “If anyone can beat the odds, it’s you.”

I turned around, started walking toward the garage, and motioned for my friends to follow me.

Eligor, Todd, and the two succubi walked behind me as I opened the door and stepped out into the cold, hard concrete.

Ariel and my parents were still chatting up a storm when I approached, and it made me happy to see they had already recovered from such a traumatic experience.

“You guys ready to go?” I asked the group.

“Go?” my dad scoffed jokingly. “We just got here, and you’re already sending us back to Kansas City?”

“Not KC, Dad,” I sighed. “You’re coming to the Fourth Circle with me and my friends.”

The color seemed to drain from my parents’ faces when they heard the news, and their expressions twisted into looks of horror.

“You’re taking us down … to Hell?” Mom asked as if I had just sentenced them to death.

Just then, Todd hopped up onto the hood of Shadow. The imp waggled his eyebrows at my mom and then began to flex his nonexistent muscles as he did pose after ridiculous pose.

“No need to fear, Maria,” he promised in a voice much deeper than his regular one, “the Toddster will be there to protect you. Nothing gets past these guns.”

“Oh my,” my mom chuckled. “Jacob told us about your new body, Todd, but it’s still a bit jarring to see in person.”

“I know it can be a little overwhelming at first,” the imp joked as he struck another pose, “but you’ll totally get used to it.”

“Todd’s right,” I admitted. “Even if he can’t be here himself, Beelzebub still has a ton of influence here on Earth Realm. And now that he knows he can use you as bait? You’re not safe.”

“What about our home?” Mom asked sadly.

“It’s not forever,” I promised. “Just until I can destroy Beelzebub. Once he’s out of the way and I know you’ll be safe, you can come back.”

My parents looked at each other, and then nodded somberly.

“Alright,” Dad conceded. “We’ll come with you.”

“You too, Ariel,” I said to the redhead. “My army could use a great blacksmith.”

“You had me at ‘you.’” The scarlet haired angel winked.

“Alright guys,” I announced, “hold onto your butts, because things might get a little weird.”

I summoned green Hellfire into my hands and then cast it around all of my friends and family. I closed my eyes, pictured our castle back in the Fourth Circle, and felt my body become weightless as it floated up into the air. The next thing I knew, there was a burst of green light, and it was like my soul left my body as I traveled through space and time.

Finally, when I opened up my eyes, I saw the familiar walls of our humble abode.

The spell had worked. We were back in Hell.

“What the fuck?” I heard Tris’ deep voice muse as she sat up from the couch and rubbed her eyes.

The succubus stared at the group with confusion on her tired face, but only for a second. Then her violet eyes lit up, and she hopped off the couch, ran over, and threw her arms around me.

“You’re back!” the Sister of Sloth laughed. “The others were all worried about you, dude. But not me. I totally figured you were just off doing your own thing, kicking ass and taking names. And who are these fine dudes and dudettes you picked up along the way?”

“These are my parents,” I explained and motioned to my mom and dad. “They’re going to be staying with us down here until we can take care of our Beelzebub problem. And this is Ariel. She’s an angel, and she’s going to be our new blacksmith.”

“Finally,” Tris mused. “I’ve been getting really tired of the makeshift armor Cupi and Daniel have been making us use. Do you have any idea how heavy that shit is? I’m getting tired just thinking about it.”

“I’ll do my best,” Ariel promised. “I can’t wait to get to work. In fact, where is the armory? Can I get started right now?”

“Uh, it’s a little to the east of the castle,” Tris explained. “Just follow these stairs or whatever until you get to the exit.”

Ariel let out a squeal of glee, and then she dashed off in the direction of the stairs. As her strawberry red locks disappeared down the staircase, Tris gave us a strange look.

“I have a bad feeling about that one,” she shuddered. “Nobody should be that eager to work.”

“Right?” Todd mused.

“Sia,” I asked the madame, “would you be willing to take my parents to their new rooms? There were plenty of extras in my wing, and I can have the Shades bring up furniture as soon as possible.”

“I’d be honored,” Superbia said with a slight bow. “Come, Mr. and Mrs. Ralston. Now, we may pass by a room at some point that’s blaring Sugar, We’re Going Down, but that’s just Invidia. She’s actually quite pleasant once you get to know her.”

My parents gave me one final look of uncertainty before they turned and followed the redhead down the corridor.

Meanwhile, I unfastened my weapons belt, yanked off the rest of my armor, and then placed it on a nearby table. Then I turned and headed for the staircase.

“Where are you going, Jacob?” Libidine called after me.

I stopped at the top of the stairs and turned back to respond.

“I need to go for a walk to clear my head,” I sighed. “There’s been a lot of shit thrown at me in the last few days.”

“Can we come too?” the Sister of Lust asked hopefully.

“Who’s ‘we?’” Tris shot back. “My derriere is staying planted right here on this couch.”

“I’ll go,” Todd offered. “I may have the body of a god, but your mom didn’t seem that impressed. I need to get back into prime Todd shape, bro, and it starts with the dreaded ‘e’ word.”

“No … ” Tris gasped in horror.

“That’s right, Slothy,” the imp sighed, “I’m gonna go exercise.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the exchange. Maybe having Todd and Liby along would further ease my mind? It definitely couldn’t hurt.

“Alright,” I chuckled. “Come on, you guys.”

The succubus and the imp high-fived, and then they followed me down the stairs.

We walked out through the first floor of the castle, through the large entry room with our commissioned portraits, and out into the grassy courtyard. We had the guards lower the gates, and then we passed through to the other side. Once we were outside the castle walls, we proceeded for another mile or so, until we came to a serene creek just on the outskirts of our palace.

“As crazy as it sounds,” I admitted to my friends as I watched the trickle of water, “I feel way better being in Hell than I did on Earth.”

“That comes with the territory,” Liby explained. “You’re a Demon King, Jacob. Of course your kingdom is going to feel the most like your home.”

Suddenly, a blur of red zipped past our position. Todd was running as fast as he could toward the creek, and then he leapt up into the air, threw out his arms and legs, and belly-flopped into the water. There was a tiny splash as he went under the surface, but then his horned head popped back up above the water.

“You don’t get water like this on Earth, bro,” the imp cackled. “You guys coming in?”

“Maybe if I wanted to get my knees wet,” I shot back. “I think we’re good for now. I’d much rather just sit here and enjoy the serenity.”

“It is quite beautiful, isn’t it?” a man’s voice asked from behind us.

I whipped around with red Hellfire in my hands, ready to incinerate whoever the fuck was trying to sneak up on us. However, I decast my spell when I saw who it was.

It was Plato, the Greek philosopher we’d made friends with here in Hell.

“Damn, Plato,” I chuckled. “You scared the shit out of us.”

“I’m sorry, Jacob,” the philosopher said with a warm smile. “I didn’t mean to alarm you.”

“Wait … ” Libidine pondered aloud. “How did you get out of the First Circle?”

“Yeah,” Todd added as he paddled back to shore, “I thought you refused to leave due to philosophical reasons? Something about wanting to know there was a beyond or some shit like that.”

“That’s not important,” the bearded man promised. “What is important is the message that I bear. I hear you discovered your true heritage during your tour of Earth Realm?”

Something wasn’t right. Plato was a bright man, but there was no way he could have known about all that.

“How did you--” I began, but then I was silenced with a wave of his hand.

“Because I’ve been watching you,” Plato snickered, and his voice became much deeper and slimy. “I’ve been watching you for a long, long time. Your whole life, in fact.”

Then the philosopher snapped his fingers, and his entire body erupted into a rainbow of Hellfire of every brand. When the spell subsided, his entire appearance had changed.

The long, bushy black beard and unkempt hair were now completely gone, replaced with a slicked back businessman’s hairstyle and a face that didn’t have so much as even a hint of stubble on it. His normally-gray three piece suit was now a deep crimson, topped off with a dark black tie.

Most disturbingly of all, however, were his eyes. They were now a shade of red that matched the color of his suit, and they looked like they were peering into my very soul.

“You fucking tricked us!” I growled and summoned red Hellfire into my hands. “Who the fuck are you?”

The man in the red suit just smiled smugly. Then he snapped his fingers again, and blue Hellfire engulfed my hand and put out my spell.

Libidine gasped and took a step backward. Her whole body began to tremble, and she looked like she was about to cry.

“It’s--it’s him,” she nearly screamed.

“Yes, my dear,” the man in the red suit mused. “It is I. Please allow me to introduce myself--”

“You’re a man of wealth and taste,” Todd scoffed as he came to stand beside me dripping wet. “Yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard the song.”

My heart sank down into the pit of my stomach as I realized exactly who we were talking to.

“L-lucifer,” I stammered in disbelief.

This was him. The fucking Prince of Darkness. The original fallen angel and the King of All Demons. The literal Devil.

“That’s right,” he grinned, “and I’ve been watching you for quite some time, my son.”

End of book 9

End Notes

Thank you for reading Succubus Lord 9! You all asked for more stories with Jacob, so here you go. Please keep the reviews coming in. I’ll start on the next book as soon as this one has one-hundred reviews.

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2019 by Eric Vall