Chapter 1

I seriously couldn’t believe this was Hell. Just minutes ago, my friends and I had been fighting for our lives against Vermis, the Devil Worm, in the sleet-covered, horrifying desolation of the Third Circle.

Now?

We were on a grassy landscape reminiscent of the rolling hills of Europe, with its beautiful beds of flowers, large mountain valleys, and bright rays of sunshine.

However, as much as I wanted to take it all in, I had to remain cautious. We weren’t in Switzerland or Germany or France, we were in the Fourth Circle of Hell. The Circle that was the domain of Azazel, my arch enemy and the demon who’d had it out for me for almost two years now.

“Yo, Jakey,” Todd’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “You want a puff of this blunt? You’re lookin’ awful philosophical over there, and a hit on the ‘ol reeferino could help you get to that next level.”

I turned around and saw my three friends sitting happily on the ground. Todd the imp was leaned back with a rather large blunt in his hand.

“No thanks, Todd,” I said with a shake of my head. “I need to be on my A-game for when we finally find Azazel.”

“Relax, bro,” the imp argued as he exhaled a puff of smoke. “That fight with Vermis felt an awful lot like a climax, which means we probably got at least another day or two’s worth of adventure before we hit the next big bad.”

I raised my eyebrow at the imp curiously. “This isn’t a video game, Todd,” I reminded him. “We could fight the ‘big bad’ at any point in time.”

“Nah,” Todd scoffed. “We haven’t fought any mini-bosses yet. We got plenty of time. Pop a squat, Jakey. Take some hits of our new strain … soak in the rays of this beautiful weather … fuck, I’m so happy to not be worm food right now I don’t give a fuck if you wanna raw-dog the girls right here and now! Just let me get outta your way here--”

“Todd!” I reassured the imp and held out a hand to keep him from moving. “It’s alright, I swear.”

“Alright,” he retorted with a shrug. “Suit yourself.”

He took a deep puff from his joint and then passed it to Tristitia, the Sister of Sloth. The brunette succubus’ eyes shone with glee as she inhaled the sweet leaf, and then she offered it to her sister, Ira.

The Sister of Wrath plucked the lit joint from Tris’ hand and rolled it between her fingers as she studied it. Without warning, she pressed the lit end against her right forearm and winced in pain as it sizzled and burned her skin.

“Ohhhh yeah,” she mumbled orgasmically. “That’s the good stuff.”

Todd threw his hands up in the air and stood up from the ground. “That’s it, Toddster out,” he said as he scampered away toward a nearby tree.

Once the imp was a few feet away from the large oak, he surrounded his body in black Hellfire and kicked off into the air. The three-foot tall imp soared up into the branches of the tree, and a huge flock of bats scattered out of its thick leaves with a series of panicked screeches.

Yup, still in Hell.

I turned back to the two succubi, walked over, and joined them on the ground.

“Why’d you go and do that, Ira?” Tris sighed. “There were at least fifteen more hits we coulda taken off that. Twenty if we really rationed it.”

Ira shot her sister a glare of pure insanity. “Because, my dear,” she explained with a crazed chuckle, “we all nearly just died. As much as I enjoy getting a good pounding from large, phallic-shaped things, that was too close for comfort. I needed a release, and that was the closest thing I can get down here.”

“Well that was our release,” Tris sighed. “We’re sure as fuck not going to get any more of the good stuff, especially in the Fourth Circle!”

“Guys, guys,” I chuckled as I sat myself between the two succubi. “There’s no need to fight. I know tensions are a little high right now, but it’s all gonna be alright. Now, if you don’t behave yourself, I’m going to--”

“Punish us?” Ira said excitedly. “Tie us up? Whip us with a rusty chain? Give us paper cuts all over our bodies and then rub salt in the wounds?”

“Uh … I was gonna say ‘send you back to Earth,’” I admitted.

Ira’s look of joy turned into a deep frown. “Oh,” she sighed. “That’s not a very good punishment at all.”

“Exactly,” I shot back and put my arm around the two women. “So don’t make me do it. Now, while we’re taking a little break, why don’t you tell me about the Fourth Circle. This looks nothing like what I read about in The Inferno.”

“Of course not,” Ira said with a click of her tongue. “Rumor has it Dante never actually even came to this one. He based his writings on things he heard from inhabitants of the other eight circles.”

“Really?” I questioned. “Why didn’t he make it here?”

“I thought you were supposed to be a library full of demonic knowledge?” Tris asked coyly. “Everybody knows he avoided this Circle because of Azazel.”

“But he talks about meeting the Devil--”

“Lucifer!” both succubi hissed in unison, and I threw up my hands in surrender.

“Okay, Lucifer,” I corrected myself. “Dante specifically talks about meeting Lucifer, but he was too scared of Azazel?”

“Jacob … ” Ira said with a twinge of worry in her voice, “The Prince of Darkness might be sadistic and powerful, but his brutality is nothing compared to Azazel’s. That’s why we were all so shocked you beat him the first time.”

“Seriously,” Tris added. “That was some top-quality television, my dude. It put Chuck Norris vs. Bruce Lee to shame.”

“I just went with my gut.” I shrugged. “And that was when I was way less powerful. Now that I’ve got six awesome succubi at my side and a whole new set of powers, the asshole doesn’t stand a chance.”

“I wouldn’t get too cocky, Jacob,” Ira warned. “The first time you fought the King of the Fourth Circle, he completely underestimated you. He thought you were a simple mortal who was destined to get squashed under his hooves, just like all the other men who’ve challenged him over the years. Little did he know … ”

“Wait,” I said in disbelief. “There have been other men who’ve challenged Azazel in combat?”

Tris let out a long sigh and slapped me playfully on the back of the head. “Duh,” she laughed. “Get with the program. That’s kinda, like, the whole point of the Fourth Circle.”

“The jousting,” I pondered aloud.

“That was the one thing Dante got right about this level of Hell,” Ira continued. “But even then, he completely fucked up the description. He said people jousted by pushing giant bags of money at each other, money so heavy they could never carry it back with them, even if they tried. It’s a laughably bad description.”

“And it’s also physically impossible,” Tris added. “Bags of money they can push at each other but are too heavy to carry. Ha! How would they push them if they couldn’t carry them? This may be a place filled with sadistic Hellfire magic, but the laws of physics still apply.”

“So what do they do, then?” I asked curiously. “Is it literally jousting, like with the armor and the horses and all that?”

“More or less,” Ira explained. “Ever since Azazel took over the Fourth Circle, he’s held these tournaments, or ‘jousts,’ as he calls them. They’ve changed over time. During the Stone Age, he had people going at each other with sharpened rocks on the ends of sticks. Then, as time progressed, the fighting styles and weaponry evolved. At one point, he had people fighting gladiator-style.”

“So what is it now?” I pursued further. “Do people fight with tactical gear and military-grade artillery?”

The Sister of Wrath shook her head. “I believe he briefly tried that out, but then he went back to medieval-style,” she said with a shrug. “He said something about how modern weaponry was ‘too painless’ and how he preferred to see people bash each other’s brains in with a mace.”

“That’s too much work,” Tris sighed. “I’m getting tired just thinking about it. That’s why I use pistols. Ya point, squeeze, and bang! Target is toast.”

“That’s exactly why he went back to medieval weaponry,” Ira chuckled. “It’s not a very exciting tournament if the round is over in seconds.”

“Did somebody say ‘over in seconds?’” Todd giggled as he reappeared on the grass in front of us. “That was my nickname in college.”

The three of us looked at the imp, wide-eyed, and then began to laugh uncontrollably. He just stood there with his arms crossed over his chest and his eyebrow raised, completely clueless.

“What’s so funny?” he asked cautiously. “My ex girlfriend gave me that nickname. It’s because whenever she needed a booty call, I’d be over in seconds. Luckily for her, Todd’s sausage express offers free delivery to all customers.”

Tris put her hand out on the imp’s shoulder and tried to compose herself. “Oh, honey, no … ” she explained. “That’s not what that nickname means at all.”

Todd shot the succubus a look of confusion. “What else could it possibly me--ohhhhhhhh,” he said as the realization dawned on him. “Goddamnit, Katie! Now that I think about it, her other nicknames for me were pretty similar. The Flash … Zippy … Speedy Gonzalez. Though, I admit, I’d still argue she called me that because I did a killer Speedy Gonzalez impression. Wanna see it?”

“No thanks, ‘Over in Seconds,’” I guffawed. “We’re just talking about Azazel’s tournament. Apparently he has Shades here in the Fourth Circle fight to the death for his enjoyment using medieval weapons and armor.”

“Pffft,” Todd scoffed with a roll of his eyes. “Medieval tournaments are for pussies. One on one in clunky armor? Royal Rumble is where it’s at.”

“Royal Rumble?” Tris asked curiously.

“Oh yeah, Slothy,” Todd explained as he hopped up on a nearby stump. “It’s this thing in wrestling where a fuckton of guys get in the ring, and then they all fight each other at the same time. The last one standing wins.”

“That sounds deliciously violent,” Ira cooed.

“It is, Crazy Eyes,” the imp continued. “Like the time Ric Flair got in the ring and took out dudes for a solid hour. He won the title belt and everything. With a little bit of help from the Hulkster, of course. Me and Jakey here watched it live, and it was the most epic thing I’ve ever seen.”

“More epic than Raph and I taking down an Archangel?” I questioned sarcastically.

Todd spun around, slapped his hands against my cheeks, and looked me deep in the eyes with his beady orbs. “The. Most. Epic. Thing. Ever,” he reiterated.

“That sounds like a blast,” Tris giggled. “Maybe when Jacob takes over the Fourth Circle, he can switch the tournament.”

“Hold up.” I glanced over at Tris, but my head was still stuck firmly between Todd’s hands. “When I take over the Fourth Circle? Why would I want to have dominion over a level of Hell?”

Todd squeezed his hands against my face tighter and pulled me back so I could look into his eyes. “Why wouldn’t you want to own a level of Hell, bro? The possibilities are endless!”

“If you keep pulling me closer, one of those possibilities will be our lips touching,” I mumbled.

Todd’s eyes widened in horror, and he let out an audible gasp as he released his grip on my cheeks. In an instant, the imp surrounded himself with black Hellfire and zipped backward, as far away as he could get from me.

“That was a close one,” he sighed with relief. “Thanks for the warning, Jakey!”

“No problem, bud,” I chuckled and then turned back to the succubi. “So what’s this about me taking over the Fourth Circle?”

“Once Azazel is dead, somebody will need to take over his domain,” Ira explained. “I know Hell isn’t the optimal place to live, but you can make it your own.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Make it my own?” I muttered in disbelief. “This is a place of eternal damnation. I don’t want any part in making people suffer for the rest of time.”

“You don’t understand, Jacob,” Ira sighed. “It doesn’t have to be all fire and brimstone and torture. The King of the Circle is the one who decides its rules. Why do you think the different levels of Hell are so different? Lucifer doesn’t care what you do within your own domain as long as you don’t bother him.”

“So I wouldn’t have to inflict pain on others?” I reaffirmed.

Ira shook her head. “Not at all,” she argued. “Sia mentioned there is a ‘contract’ every Demon Lord has to sign when they get started. I’ve never seen it before, but I’m pretty good with the legal stuff. Let me and her take a crack at it, and I’m sure we can find you some sort of loophole.”

“I dunno.” I shrugged. “Watching over an entire dimension of Hell is kind of a lot of responsibility.”

“And work,” Tris added. “It’s a loooot of work.”

“Look,” Ira shot back, “if you don’t take it over, somebody else will. And that person will surely be one of Lucifer’s most ruthless and cruel. You’d be doing everyone who is sentenced to this Circle a favor.”

“Yeah, Jakey,” Todd chimed in as he floated over above our heads. “We’ve been stuck in shitty apartments all our life. Sure, we’ve got Quinn’s mansion now, but is it really ours? We just kinda stole it from the guy. But if we had an entire dimension to ourselves? Think about it, bro, we could all have our own individual mansions!”

“I could finally have a studio for jammin’ in,” Tris sighed fondly.

“And I could totally have a full-on radio station to produce segments of Tuesdays with the Toddster,” the imp added. “Fuck, with enough space and capital, I could fund my very own paranormal channel! We’d have to figure out how to broadcast it interdimensionally, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

I turned to Ira and cut her off just as she was about to throw out her two cents. “I already know what you’d want,” I chuckled. “My ex was obsessed with those books.”

The dark-haired demon placed her hand against her chest and gasped with offense. “Why, I was going to suggest I could run my campaign out of here,” she said innocently with a wink. “What ever did you think I was going to say?”

“I guess I could build a nice little brick house, with a decent backyard and a two-car garage … ” I pondered aloud. “I could invite Mom and Dad down for the holidays … Todd, I think we finally found the American Dream.”

“Yeah,” the imp snickered. “We just had to travel to Hell to do it.”

“So is that a yes?” Ira asked happily.

I gave her a nod of confirmation, and she jumped up and down happily.

“I knew you’d come around,” she said with a grin. “As crazy as it sounds, Hell has been my home for millennia. It’d be nice to come back here and live with a newer, kinder master.”

“First things first,” I observed as I pulled myself to my feet, “I can’t be the ruler of anything if we don’t find Invidia, rescue her, and then kick Azazel’s shit in.”

All three of my friends let out a weak “yeah,” and then looked at me with horrified expressions on their faces.

“You--you want to do what to Azazel?” Tris asked.

“It’s an expression,” I explained with a roll of my eyes. “Like, I’m gonna shove my foot so far up his ass--”

“Sounds wonderful,” Ira giggled.

“Why didn’t you just say ‘I’m gonna kick his ass’ then?” Todd questioned. “It sounds a lot more badass. The thing you said makes me think you need to throw in a ‘no homo’ afterwards.”

“Fine!” I conceded. “We need to go and kick Azazel’s ass. And save your Sister. Is that better?”

“Much better,” Todd cackled. “Now let’s go kick his shit in. No homo.”

“That’s the spirit,” I laughed. “Now, where is Azazel’s castle? You two should know its location, right?”

Tris and Ira looked at each other uncomfortably for a second or two, and then they looked back at me and shook their heads somberly.

“I know what it looks like,” Ira explained, “and I know the surrounding area. But I have no idea where we are right now.”

“Do you think any of the others would know?” I asked as my hand flitted over the tattoos on my right arm.

We’d used the Porta ad Inferos to get down here, but it required a powerful spell to open up the rift between the dimensions. This meant there needed to be at least four casters up there at all times to hold it open, so only two of the succubi could be down here with me. Thankfully, we’d been clever enough to do a soul-merging spell, as well. This allowed me to summon any of the girls I wanted at any time via a tattoo that represented them.

Ira’s was, no surprise, a whip, but not just any whip. It was an image of the flaming whip she used in battle, with a hilt made out of her own arm bone. Tris was represented by a long, thick blunt already blazing and ready to hit.

The other girls had their own symbols that were perfectly fitting for their personalities. The fallen angel, Cupiditas, was represented by a pair of night-black angel wings. Libidine, the succubus of Lust who also had the ability to control people’s minds, was shown as a picture of her own glowing purple eye. A hand aglow with gold Hellfire was Superbia, the madame of the Circle of Sin and the healer of our team. Last, but certainly not least ,was the enchanted double-sided battle axe. This was the weapon of Gula, the fiery redhead who was our seasoned warrior as well as our personal culinary artist.

“Superbia might,” Ira admitted with a shrug. “But even then, I don’t think charging right into Azazel’s castle head-first is a good idea.”

“Bro, it’s like you’ve never even played a dungeon crawler before,” Todd sighed. “You can’t take on the boss without leveling up first.”

“Todd’s right,” the Sister of Wrath continued. “You may have defeated Azazel on Earth, but this is his domain. He’s going to way more powerful down here, and he’s going to have a lot more henchmen to back him up.”

“Ya gotta level up, bro,” Todd reiterated. “We need to hit the grind.”

Tris let out a long sigh. “Grind?” she whined. “Doesn’t that, like, take hours and hours? We’re totally gonna miss Bigfoot Files now.”

“Chin up, Slothy,” the imp encouraged as he floated over to the succubus, “with the magic of the internet, we can always download it after the fact. I’ll just toss on my eyepatch and my bandana, and I’ll hit the high seas of the dark web.”

“You go to the dark web just to pirate TV shows?” I asked curiously. “You know you can do that with the regular ‘ol internet, right?”

Todd shook his head furiously. “The government is watching the regular internet,” he explained. “Believe it or not, I’m one of its biggest critics, and that’s how they get ya. You go to download the newest action-thriller on some torrenting site, and then the next thing you know they’ve got you in front of a grand jury, and you’re being hit with the whole book! The dark web is the only place the Toddster can be the Toddster.”

“That sounds … very sketchy,” I admitted.

“It is,” Todd said. ”But it’s better than letting the man know what I’m up to.”

“Right,” I sighed and turned toward a small village in the distance. “So, we need to get grinding. Should we try to find a pack of vargrats or something and keep taking them out until we’re stronger?”

“Vargrats might be a nuisance,” Ira said with a shake of her head, “but they’re not going to give you the full experience of taking on a demonic warrior in Hell. If you really want to get rough and raw, you have to throw yourself balls-deep into the tournament. They are held daily at every single village in the Fourth Circle, so you might still be able to hop into one before it’s too late. All we have to do is take out one of the current fighters and throw on his armor, and nobody will know the difference.”

“Sooooo, we just have to watch Jacob kick ass and take names?” Tris questioned curiously.

“That’s the idea,” Ira confirmed. “But there’s also more to it. The current champions of these jousts are Azazel’s finest demons. If you were to defeat any of them in battle, it would expose just how inferior the King of the Fourth Circle and his minions are compared to you.”

“Are you suggesting turning the Shades against Azazel?” I asked curiously. “Has nobody seriously thought of that before?”

“Plenty have thought about it,” the Sister of Wrath sighed, “but nobody has been strong enough to woo them over. I’m very confident you could be the first.”

“Then we need to find one of these tournaments,” I agreed.

The four of us turned toward the village in the distance and began to head in that direction. We walked for about three or four miles, taking in the beautiful landscape as we went.

At least on the surface, the Fourth Circle was a far cry from the three we’d been in so far. The First Circle was a “lesser version of Heaven,” so it just looked like a modern city where the only catch was that it was full of minor inconveniences. The Second and Third Circles, however, were desolate wastelands full of horrors to the greatest extent of their creators’ imaginations.

As we got closer to the village, I realized it looked like something ripped straight out of one of my old history textbooks. We passed by several Shades, souls of the dead, who were out tending large fields of wheat with giant sickles and plows attached to zombified cattle. The village walls themselves were made of dark gray stones that looked like the brimstone we’d seen on the ground back in the other Circles. The brimstones were of different shapes and sizes, and they were cobbled together to create a ten-foot tall barrier that surrounded the entire community like a fortress. At the front of the wall was a large archway with a parchment banner that read Village of Thea in big, stylistic font.

“He really went all out with the medieval shit, didn’t he?” Todd whistled as we passed underneath the threshold. “Now I’m gonna totally be disappointed if we don’t see some dude in tights scream ‘Tallyho!’ and swing down from a tower.”

“Speaking of tights,” I said as I looked around nervously, “do you think we need to find a change of clothes? Right now we’re standing out like a sore thumb.”

I was still wearing the t-shirt and combat pants I’d had on the entire journey, while the two succubi were in skin-tight modern blouses and leggings that showed off their perfect asses. I could tell the girls had the attention of most of the men in the village as we walked by, and the last thing we needed right now was every single villager’s eyes on us.

We needed to get changed, and we needed to change quickly.

“Ugh, do we have to?” Tris asked with disgust in her voice. “All the women’s clothes here look so constricting and uncomfortable. Nothing like these bad boys.”

As she spoke, the Sister of Sloth rocked her knees and stretched out to the side. Tris turned around and bent downward so the leggings showed off her tight ass. Finally, she did a little hop into the air, threw her legs out, and landed into a splits position. The succubus shot me a look of “I told you so” and slowly moved her legs together so she was back in the upright position.

“See?” she said matter-of-factly. “You can’t do that shit in a corset.”

“I think that’s the most I’ve ever seen you move,” Ira gasped.

“Okay, so a disguise would limit your mobility,” I admitted. “Buuuut, look around.”

I gestured all around, to the large group of men who had stopped in their tracks and admired the succubus’ flexibility. They all wore a mixture of shock and curiosity on their faces, with a little bit of horniness thrown in for good measure.

“I think literally every set of eyes in this village is on us right now,” I explained. “Not exactly good when you’re trying to blend in. We need new outfits.”

“That shouldn’t be too hard, Jakey,” Todd explained. “We’re in a medieval-type city. Maytag wasn’t exactly a thing back then, so there should be shit hung out to dry all over.”

I scanned the village around us and quickly saw the imp was right.

No more than a city block away from us sat a woman under a small pavilion. She was dressed in a dark brown dress detailed with a green square on the chest. The woman wore a scarf on her head, and she had her strawberry blonde hair cut short. Most importantly, however, were her actions.

The woman was sitting in front of a well with a bucket full of suds. She’d pull out a piece of fabric, dip it in the soapy water, and then scrub it against a washboard.

“That’s just terrible technique,” Tris observed. “Also, that’s totally not how they washed things in the Middle Ages. So much for authenticity.”

“You have to remember, Sister,” Ira began, “the Shades who inhabit this place are from all periods of time. Most of them are used to dealing with cars and televisions and dishwashers, so this is all a difficult transition.”

“Either way, she’s got the goods,” Todd added. “And I’m not just talking about her tits.”

“You’re talking about her ass, too?” I joked.

“I’m totally talking about her ass, too,” Todd confirmed. “But I’m also talking about those outfits she’s got hanging on the clothesline behind her.”

As the woman in the dress washed her clothes, she hung them out to dry on a thin line of wire behind her. There were four women’s outfits, a man’s outfit, and what appeared to be three garments meant for children.

That would work.

I quickly reached out and engulfed three of the outfits in emerald Hellfire. Using delicate hand motions, I slowly moved them off the wire and then pulled them through the air toward the four of us. Once they had arrived safely in our possession, I motioned for the team to duck into a nearby alleyway.

“Is this a head hole or an arm hole?” I asked as I pulled the shirt over my head and got it stuck in the opening.

“A hole’s a hole, Jakey,” Todd snickered. “You’ll make it work, even if you gotta tear it open.”

“I’d hate to have been one of your girlfriends,” Tris snarked as she placed a loose dress over her body.

“Speak for yourself,” Ira added as she licked her lips at me. “Some of us like getting torn open and spread wide by a certain someone’s big, thick, massive—”

“Okay!” Todd clapped his hand over his mouth as his eyes widened. He made a few gagging sounds, and then he stumbled over and leaned against the wall of the alley with his right hand. The imp began to dry heave, but nothing was coming out.

“Just--just give me a minute,” he begged.

“Sure thing, Todd,” I promised and finally popped my head through the top of the shirt.

These outfits were the epitome of peasant clothing. Both Ira and Tris were now wearing loose-fitting dresses that were a dark brown and came all the way down to their feet. They both had long sleeves that hung off their arms like angel wings, and on their heads they wore a white bonnet-like garment. Completing the whole “peasant” aesthetic was a green corset-like chestpiece.

Even though the outfits were about as modest as you could get, the succubi still looked fine as fuck in them.

Then there was me. The clothes I’d traded for were much, much worse than what the girls got. My outfit was comprised of a pair of brown, baggy pants and a light green shirt two sizes too big and had to be held onto my body by a long piece of rope. There was also a dark brown hood piece that went over my head and came all the way down to my mid torso and made me look like Kermit the fucking frog.

To make matters worse, the entire getup was scratchy as hell. What was it made out of, old potato sacks? The sooner we could get out of these things, the better.

Ira and Tris tried to hold in their amusement when they saw me in the new duds, but the twitching corners of their mouths gave them away.

“Jacob, you look … ” Ira trailed off as she looked for something nice to say.

“Fucking hell!” Tris interjected. “I think these clothes are more comfy than the leggings! I’m going commando under this thing, and I couldn’t feel more free. All we need now is a gentle breeze and some blunts, and I’ll be on cloud nine.”

“I’m glad you like them,” I mumbled. “At least yours look good on you.”

Todd finally recomposed himself and walked back over to the group. He wiped a bit of dribble from his mouth, looked up at me, and then a smile spread across his lips.

I held up my hand and stopped the imp before he could make his comment. “Not one word, Todd,” I warned. “Not one fucking word.”

“But, but--” he protested. “I’ve got so many good jokes I could make right now!”

“After we find the tournament,” I promised. “Once I’m actually out of these fucking clothes, you can make all the jokes you want.”

“Well, then,” Todd began as he walked toward the entrance of the alleyway, “we’d better get a move on it! The sooner we get Jakey to the joust, the sooner the Toddster’s creative comebacks can flow. Heyyyyy, that looks awful ‘jousty’ over there. Let’s gooooo!”

The imp dashed off in the direction of the supposed joust, and I couldn’t help but laugh at his enthusiasm. I looked over at the succubi, took a bow, and held out my arm for them to pass.

“M’ladies,” I joked.

The two woman curtseyed with a laugh and then went to follow Todd.

As I walked close at their heels, I wondered just what the fuck I was getting myself into.

Chapter 2

It didn’t take us very long to find where the tournament was being held. Not five minutes after we’d exited the alleyway in our new disguises, we heard a trumpet in the distance, immediately followed by the footsteps of a thousand villagers as they rushed toward it. We followed the stampede of people until we came to a miniature colosseum-style structure at the far edge of the village.

Its walls were only about twenty feet tall or so, but its circumference was massive. Instead of marble, like the colosseum in Rome, this building was made up of a series of thick wooden beams spread out at five or six foot intervals, with clay-like walls stretched out in between. Every twenty feet there was an archway just tall enough for a person to fit under.

“Wattle and daub,” Ira mused as we approached the colosseum. “Azazel must really hate this village.”

“What’s wattle and daub?” I asked curiously.

“It was a comedy duo from the twenties,” Todd interrupted. “Don’t be a dumbass, Jakey.”

“Actually… ” Ira corrected the imp, “it was a form of building walls back in the medieval period, where you’d thatch together wood and then cover it with a mix of clay, straw, and animal dung.”

“Wait,” Todd said as he looked over the building with wide eyes. “So you’re telling me I’m staring at a giant pile of shit?”

The Sister of Wrath just shrugged. “More or less,” she chuckled. “What did you think that smell was?”

“I figured it was you guys’ clothes,” the imp shot back without missing a beat. “I have a sneaking suspicion those were white when they were made … ”

Even though there were thousands of people descending on the colosseum, we were able to push our way through the crowds and into the venue. Once inside, we were shoulder-to-shoulder with the other villagers as we marched toward the main area.

“Reminds ya of Bonnaroo, right Jakey?” Todd mused as we tried to stick as close together as we could. “Those were the fucking days.”

We continued on until we finally arrived in the main section of the colosseum. There were rows upon rows of wooden bleachers, all set around a field of sand that had to be the size of a football field. I glanced up and noticed there was no ceiling, and I briefly wondered if there was such a thing as weather delays in a place like this.

“So, I need to figure out a way into this tournament,” I explained. “We can’t really do much from the nosebleeds.”

Ira pointed toward a small tunnel at the far corner of the field. “That’s where the fighters come out,” she explained. “If we go down there and follow that path, it should lead us directly to where the fighters are getting ready.”

“The locker room?” Todd gasped. “No way, José. It’ll be like sausage city in there! I’ve already got hundreds of emotional scars from my middle school days. There weren’t enough ‘no homos’ in the world that could save me from what I saw back then.”

“There’s only one person in the fighter prep area,” Ira sighed. “We’ll sneak in, knock him out, and then Jacob can take his place.”

“And then, hopefully, I’ll work my way up the ladder and get some one-on-one experience against demons in their most powerful form,” I finished. “It’s a crazy fucking plan, but it just might work.”

The four of us descended the bleachers until we came down to the very last level. Several villagers grumbled at us, telling us to find our own seats and to “get down in front.” As we moved toward the tunnel, I noticed there was a monster of a man standing in front of its entrance.

“That’d be security,” Ira confirmed. “You want me to handle it? I’ve dealt with these guys before. They’re total pushovers when it comes to a beautiful woman.”

“Whoa, whoa,” Tris interjected. “I never volunteered to do anything.”

“I was talking about myself, Sister,” the dark-haired succubus shot back. “I’ll go down and flirt with him a little bit, and you three can sneak back into the prep room.”

I gave the succubus a nod of confirmation, and then she turned around and hopped over the banister.

The second she struck the ground, there was a sickening “pop,” and Ira let out a wail of agony. Our security guard instantly dashed over to see if she was okay, and the trap was sprung.

Todd, Tris, and I quietly slid over the banister and shuffled off into the tunnel. As we moved further into the bowels of the colosseum, Ira’s fake screams of pain grew quieter until they were finally out of earshot.

“She’s really, really good at that,” I observed.

“Good at faking it?” Todd snickered. “That doesn’t bode well for you, bro.”

“Please,” Tris chimed in as we saw a light appear at the end of the tunnel, “nobody needs to fake it with Jacob. That I can say one-hundred percent from experience.”

The tall brunette shot me a coy smile, and I felt my pants tightening as I thought back to the night we’d spent together at the Velvet Lips. I’d stomped away from my friends in a flurry to clear my head, and Tris offered to help with a little bit of her favorite weed. One thing led to another, and the two of us ended up in the throes of passion. We’d made love multiple times since then, but there was something special about the first time. Something that made me want to hold onto the memory for the rest of my life.

“If you two lovebirds are done with the ‘fuck me eyes,’ we’re here.” Todd’s impish voice cut my daydreaming short.

We exited the tunnel and found ourselves in a medium-sized room that looked completely out of place in the medieval world of the Fourth Circle. It had a concrete floor epoxied with some sort of black coating that made it shiny, and the walls were covered with weapon mounts that held every single hand-to-hand weapon known to man. There were dozens of swords of varying lengths and widths, each with a different type of hilt. Morning stars, maces, spears, axes, and crossbows lined the walls like it was a convenience store of death. To the immediate right of all the weaponry were a few life-sized mannequins decked out in armor.

Just from a quick glance, I could tell each one was built for a different style of fighting. There was your traditional suit of armor, complete with a pointed visor and a bright red plume in the helmet. Then there was a set that had metal pants with a thick leather top and no helmet whatsoever. The third piece was composed mostly of chainmail, with a skirt-like bottom and a long and flat-faced helmet. Last, but certainly not least, was a massive, hulking suit of armor nearly double my size and looked like it could take a cannonball without getting so much as a dent.

“Isn’t there supposed to be a fighter in here?” I asked curiously as I examined the armory. “The first battle starts in like, five minutes.”

“Probably over there,” Tris observed as she pointed over to a sign that read Showers - This Way. “He’s probably taking a nice, long, hot shower to get his muscles relaxed for the big fight.”

“Showering before the fight?” I chuckled. “Isn’t that a little counter-productive.”

“Not at all, bro,” Todd piped up. “Showering before you do any sort of physical activity is great. It expands your blood vessels, so you can have perfect blood flow while the adrenaline is pumping through your veins. That, and it helps your schlong get bigger.”

“Sounds like you’ve got a lot of experience,” I joked.

Just then, I heard footsteps headed our way. I grabbed Tris and pulled her back against the wall, into a crevice where the lockers and the shelves didn’t quite meet. At the same time, Todd snapped his fingers and turned invisible. Tris and I made ourselves as small as possible and prepared to strike whoever came around that corner.

It was just some normal dude, and he was completely naked, save for the dirty brown towel he had wrapped around his waist. The man whistled as he walked over to one of the lockers, turned the knob, and opened it.

I quickly surveyed the room for anything I could use to take this guy out. Sure, I could have easily run him through with one of the swords or beat his face in with the morning star, but I didn’t want to kill the man. He was an innocent shade who probably didn’t want to be condemned to Hell any more than the other people who were here.

Todd reappeared underneath the bench directly behind the man. He pointed with his tiny claw up at the man’s towel and nodded his head as if to ask if he should make a move or not.

I smiled at the imp, and he took that as a form of confirmation.

Todd flipped up onto the bench, threw out his hand, and yanked away the man’s towel. He rapidly spun it into a rattail, hauled it back, and unleashed right as the shocked warrior was turning around.

The towel snapped through the air with an audible crack as it struck the man in the center of the forehead.

“What the fuck?” he demanded as he rubbed the welt on his head. “Who the fuck are--”

Before he could finish, Todd cackled and cracked him in the stomach. The man doubled over and lashed out at the imp, but he was much too fast. Todd ran in circles around the warrior, snapping him in the ass with the rat-tailed towel as he zigged and zagged just out of the man’s reach. The chase eventually led the warrior over to where Tris and I were standing, and I instinctively stuck out my foot in his path.

The man’s eyes widened as he tripped over my leg and then tumbled to the ground. He rolled across the floor like an out-of-control top until he finally smashed into the nearest locker with a loud crash.

Before he could even stir, I held out my hand, summoned green Hellfire, and used it to surround the bulky suit of armor with flames. I yanked my hand toward me, and the armor-clad mannequin let out a creak as it toppled over on top of the man.

He was now unconscious, and he was completely pinned to the ground. He wasn’t going anywhere, even if he wanted to.

“I’m not gonna lie,” Todd said with a sigh as he walked back over to us. “I had way more fun with that than I thought I would.”

“Well, I guess the strongest armor is out,” I observed and pointed to the bulky suit on the ground. “Do I go for speed or protection?”

“Why not both?” Tris blurted out.

The brunette succubus walked over to the traditional suit of armor and placed her hand against its shoulder. “This bad boy will give you the best of both worlds,” she said with a grin.

“Won’t that make me slow?” I questioned.

Tris and Todd both looked at me like I had two heads. Finally, Todd facepalmed.

“Jakey, didn’t you watch any of those videos I e-mailed you?” he sighed. “I found some really cool shit about armor on the internet.”

“Yeaaahhh,” I responded awkwardly, “the last time I clicked on a video link you sent me, the whole library got to hear ‘Four Girls Share a Micropenis’ on full blast.”

“That video was an instant classic!” the imp argued. “You’d think there’d be nothing to work with, but they have a whole twenty-minute video about it. Whoever came up with that shit should win an Oscar.”

“Uh-huh,” I played along with the Toddster. “Now about that armor … ”

“Oh, right,” he brought himself back on track. “Everybody thinks knight armor is super heavy and hard to move in, but it’s totally not true. Medieval knights could do full-on jumping jacks and combat rolls while suited up.”

“Well shit,” I whistled. “That sounds good to me. Let’s get this show on the road.”

Tris and Todd spent the next ten minutes helping me secure each piece of armor on my body. It did add a little bit of bulk, but it was nowhere near as heavy as I thought it’d be. More importantly, however, it was going to keep me protected from whatever demonic terrors my opponents could think of. The silver metallic plating was cool against my body, but it fit as snugly as a glove. I pulled on the gauntlets, strapped on the boots, and then let out a gasp of air as Tris tightened the breastplate to my body extra tightly.

“That just leaves the ‘ol noggin,” Todd mused as he looked over the assortment of helmets on the wall.

The imp grabbed the helmet with the plume and examined it carefully. “You should totally fight with this one, Jakey,” he said as he tried to keep a straight face. “Nothing says ‘badass demon slayer’ like a giant-ass red ostrich feather. And with this visor? You’ll look like a giant metal bird of death.”

Todd and I looked at each other for a moment, and then we broke out into uproarious laughter. After a minute or two, the imp wiped away a tear of joy and tossed the helmet off to the side with a loud clang. Then he turned back to the wall of helmets and started to window-shop once more.

“Hmmm …” he pondered. “Too wide … too dorky … too dick-like … aha!”

Todd snatched up a cylinder-shaped helmet that was dark gray and had a large, golden, cross-shaped symbol across its front.

I recognized it immediately as the type of mask worn by members of the Knights Templar.

“If you’re gonna go out there and kick a bunch of demon ass, what’d be a better ‘fuck you’ than wearing the sign of the Exalted One?” the imp snickered as he scurried up my back and placed the helmet down on my head.

The world went black for a moment as the hunk of metal was pulled down over my head, and then my vision was restricted to two large, rectangular eye holes.

“Is this really the best we can do?” my voice echoed in the helmet as I tested out my mobility. “My vision is kinda restricted.”

I had a full range of motion with my head and neck, but there were the outlines of dark rectangles all around my peripheral vision. Sure, I could see, but that was going to get annoying really fucking quick.

“It’s what we got, bro,” Todd replied. “You could go helmetless, but I don’t want you to come crying to me when your head gets smashed like a Gallagher watermelon.”

“Fair enough,” I sighed. “What about the other helmets? Are there any others that would let me see better?”

“There’s the one with the fucked-up cage thing on the face,” Tris offered.

“Yeahhhh, but that makes me think of the dude from Monty Python,” Todd argued. “I want my boy to look like a badass out there, not a mustachioed momma’s boy.”

“It’s fine,” I promised as I pulled the helmet off and held it at my side. “I can make this thing work. Now we just need a weapon … ”

“Bro, you gotta go with the broadsword,” Todd interjected. “You can’t wear a suit of fucking armor and not go with the classic.”

“I think he needs the crossbow,” Tris suggested. “He can hit people from a distance, and it uses a lot less stamina. Jacob’s already gonna be tired from moving around in all that armor. Why make him work any more than he has to?”

Todd and I both stared at the succubus in disbelief.

“B-Because I’m going to be literally fighting for my life?” I laughed uncomfortably. “Probably against deadly demons with Hellfire powers.”

“Why doesn’t he just take both?” Todd finally suggested. “He can use the crossbow at long range, and if those bastards get too close, he’ll skewer ‘em like a shrimp ‘an the barbi.”

The tall brunette strutted over to the wall, plucked a medium-length broadsword in its sheath, and handed it to me happily. As I strapped the sheath around my waist, the succubus returned with a crossbow and a quiver full of bolts.

I slung the quiver across my body like I’d seen in the movies, and then I held the sight of the crossbow up to my eye. “This is gonna be a bitch to aim in that helmet,” I admitted, “but I definitely need a long-distance weapon. God knows what I’ll be facing out there.”

Just then, I heard the sound of a trumpet reverberate through the walls of the tunnel.

“Oh shit!” Tris gasped. “I think that’s our cue! You go on out there, Jacob. Todd and I will grab you some back-up weapons and armor and then meet you out there as soon as we can.”

“Knock ‘em dead, Jakey!” Todd called out as I approached the mouth of the tunnel. “No, seriously. Make sure they’re dead as fuck before you let your guard down. Double tap ‘em if you have to.”

“I’ll do that,” I chuckled as I moved further down the path that led back out to the arena.

When I arrived at the other end of the tunnel, I took in the massive crowd packed into the wooden bleachers of the colosseum. There was a jester-like figure currently performing in the center of the sandy arena, much to the amusement of the crowd. They roared with laughter as he did his acrobatic flips and twirls, occasionally falling flat on his face for comedic effect.

“There you are,” Ira’s voice suddenly purred in my ear. “I was worried you’d gotten lost.”

I turned around and saw the Sister of Wrath had returned to the arena and was waiting for me patiently at the tunnel entrance.

“I was worried you’d gotten caught,” I shot back playfully. “Or worse, that you’d really hurt yourself.”

Ira let out a small snort. “Please,” she clicked. “I was in complete control the entire time. My little fall worked like a charm. The guard helped me back to the infirmary, and the second we were out of sight, I healed myself and ran him through with my morning star. I tossed him in the dumpster out back, sealed the lid shut with my Hellfire, and came back to find you.”

“You killed him?” I gasped.

“They’re Shades, Jacob,” she reiterated. “They can’t die because they’ve been condemned to eternal torture. If they could, it would kinda defeat the purpose, no? Keep that in mind while you’re out there fighting against them.”

“So they can’t die?” I tried to confirm. “I won’t be out there murdering a bunch of innocent people?”

“Of course not.” She shook her head. “They’ll just get injured, and then they’ll go back to the infirmary to heal up and rest. Now, if you face any of Azazel’s demon minions … that is a fight to the death. It’s all part of his twisted system of promotion.”

I shrugged. “I’ve had bosses do worse,” I joked. “But also how do you ‘run someone through’ with a morning star.”

“Oh, it probably hurt him a lot. That’s the point.” Ira placed her slender hand against the breastplate of the armor tenderly. “You know, I think that armor is super hot,” she cooed and bit her lip. “When we’re done here, remind me to rip it off you and ride your dick raw.”

“Easy there, cowgirl,” I laughed and ran my hand through the succubus’ dark hair. “We’re still working up to the really kinky stuff, remember?”

“Are you ready for this?” Ira asked once more. “Once the jester leaves the field, the announcer will call the first few combatants out. As soon as the trumpet sounds again, it’ll be a free-for-all.”

“I’ll be fine,” I promised with a smile. “Todd and I watched a lot of Royal Rumble growing up, remember?”

Just as the words finished leaving my mouth, the jester rolled out of sight. Ira locked her violet eyes with mine, and then she gave me a playful slap on the rear.

“Go get ‘em, my love,” she said forcefully and then stepped back into the mouth of the cave.

“Laaaadddiiieess and gentlemen!” an announcer’s voice boomed through the stadium. “Who’s ready for some bloodshed?”

The entire colosseum erupted into primal cheers at the man’s words that went on for nearly two full minutes. When they finally subsided, the announcer continued.

“Now, before we begin today, we have a very special announcement from our lord and master, Azazel,” he went on, “but don’t take it from me. Here’s the King of the Fourth Circle himself!”

My heart sank into my stomach as I soaked in the man’s words. Was Azazel here? Did he know I was here, in this very coliseum? Was this all a trap?

I scanned the crowd for any signs of the big red fucker, but I couldn’t see anything from down here. At this level, everyone further than the front few rows looked like a blur of colors.

“Good morning, citizens of the Fourth Circle,” Azazel’s booming voice suddenly came over the PA system, and the crowd fell dead silent. “It is I, your master. The Father of Warfare, and the King of the Fourth Circle. It has recently come to my attention that Jacob Ralston and the succubi he stole from me are loose in my domain. If you see a man and two women in strange-looking clothes, tell my royal guard immediately. They’re also traveling with a small, pathetic imp who is nearly insufferable. I’m offering a full day in the First Circle to anyone who brings me Ralston and my succubi, and I’ll throw in an actual Earthly feast for whoever kills that annoying fucking imp.”

I could almost hear Todd’s snarky comeback in my head, but my mind was much too focused on the task at hand. It didn’t sound like Azazel knew we were at this tournament, but he would surely know we had been in the village soon enough.

Before I could think any further, the announcer began again. “Thank you, oh wise master,” he said as he kissed Azazel’s ass. “Now, let’s begin. Fighters, take your marks!”

I took a deep breath, placed my helmet back onto my head, and stepped out onto the sand. The crowd roared with glee as we stepped out to the roar of the crowd and the sun beating down on our armored bodies.

There were three other warriors, one for each of the remaining tunnels. The first fighter was a blond man wearing chainmail and a leather skirt, but nothing else. In his hands he held two small yet highly lethal daggers, and I noticed a slingshot and a pouch hanging from his waist.

The second man was way larger than anyone else standing on the battlefield. He was decked out in a suit of armor so dark, it almost looked like it was made out of copper. It made him appear somewhat wide, but I couldn’t tell if it was just the cut of the metal or if he really was as bulky as his frame suggested. In his hands he held a deadly warhammer, with one side that flattened down into a spiky head and another that shaped into a long, curved claw.

I really, really didn’t want to find out what that thing felt like.

The last combatant completely forgoed metal and wore a type of armor composed of thick leather panels. It spread out across his shoulders like the pads of a football player and hung all the way down past his waist. Underneath he had on a green, long-sleeve shirt and plain brown pants topped off with dark leather boots. His brown hair was long and gangly, and it hung past his wild eyes in frayed strands. He had a flail with three massive, spiked balls on the end of their chains, and something in his crazed expression told me he knew how to use them.

I reached over, tightened my grip on my crossbow, and waited for the signal.

The trumpet blared like the roar of a bull, and my opponents all drew their weapons. The wildman with the flail charged directly at the bulky knight, and he closed the gap in seconds. He let out a crazed battle cry as he struck the knight in the side with his weapon and tried to tackle his opponent to the ground.

As much as I wanted to watch that battle play out, the sound of approaching footsteps snapped me back to reality. I quickly snatched a bolt out of the quiver, pulled it in the crossbow, and spun around to face my opponent. He was dashing across the sandy terrain with his daggers at the ready, and I figured he’d be on me in seconds.

I raised my weapon, took aim as best I could, and fired off a bolt directly at my charging enemy.

The entire crossbow shook as its deadly bolt was launched forward. My opponent tried to dodge to the left, but the projectile struck him in the shoulder and caused him to spin around, stumble, and then fall to the ground with a spray of sand. He pulled himself to his knees, undid the slingshot from his belt, and began to fumble around in his side pouch.

I cocked back the string on the crossbow, pulled out another bolt from the quiver, placed it into the groove, and yanked back the string. Then I raised the sight up to my eye and took aim at the bastard, ready to go for the kill shot.

Before I could pull the trigger, I felt a tiny pebble smash against the breastplate of my armor. There was a loud “boom,” and my body was thrown backward violently. My crossbow flew from my hand and skidded across the sandy ground as I tumbled across the arena. When I finally came to a stop, I felt down at my torso, just to make sure I was still in one piece.

The metal of the breastplate was hot as hell and had been slightly dented, but it was still mostly intact. Thank fuck I’d gone with this armor, or my guts would be splattered across the stands of the coliseum right now.

I pulled myself to my feet right as my attacker launched another pebble with his slingshot. The tiny bead arced through the air and headed directly for my head, but I was prepared this time. I threw up a shield of protective Hellfire in front of the pebble’s trajectory, and it exploded into a cluster of flames against the violet shimmer.

A gasp of shock washed over the crowd, immediately followed by hushed whispers.

“You’re a demon?” the man in the chainmail asked as he readied his slingshot again. “This will make victory waaaay more satisfying.”

He launched another exploding pebble at me, and I quickly dispelled it with a wave of my enchanted hand.

Ira was right, my opponents were nothing more than Shades, and they apparently didn’t know how to use magic themselves. This whole exercise should be a fucking cakewalk.

The fucker pulled back his slingshot again and released. As soon as he let go of the elastic band, I threw up a barrier of purple right in front of his body. The incendiary projectile struck the wall of flames and exploded into a fiery inferno. The deadly attack splashed back against the man’s body, and his whole figure lit up like a Christmas tree.

The man in the chainmail screamed as he fell to the ground and began to roll around haphazardly in the hopes that the fire would go out.

I drew my sword from its hilt and began to approach my enemy, ready to deliver the killing blow. However, I didn’t get more than two steps before I was struck in the side of the head by an unseen force. My helmet prevented the blow from being fatal, but my brain rattled in my skull from the force of the hit, and I stumbled to the ground in pain.

“Yeah, them helmets are a real bitch to see in,” a crazed voice cackled. “That’s why I don’t use ‘em. Too easy for an enemy to hit you upside the head!”

My vision was still fuzzy as I jerked my body around and stabbed at my enemy with my sword. I saw a blurry figure hop to the side, toss his flail back behind his body, and then swing it upward. There was another painful crash in my jaw, and my helmet was tossed from my head. I fell back into the sand and squinted to avoid being blinded by the light of the sun.

Before the crazed warrior had a chance to crack my skull like an egg, I tossed down a portal of green flames beneath my body. I felt myself fall through the emerald Hellfire as my body was transported through space and time, and then I forced myself to reappear a few feet behind the wild warrior.

The crowd cheered at my actions, and I suddenly felt the throbbing in my head begin to die down. I could now see the guy I’d lit on fire was being hauled away by a group of medics. On the other side of the battlefield, the bulky knight with the warhammer was on the ground. A large pool of blood mixed together with the sand around him to form a slushy mess of gore, and he was twitching in a disturbing manner.

It was just me and this wild fucker.

My opponent turned around and smiled as his eyes went even more wild. Then he dashed across the sandy ground like a cheetah, tossing spurts of sand into the air behind him as he ran.

I fell back into a fighting stance, sword still in hand, and prepared for the assault.

Once he was a few feet away, the bastard pulled back his flail and swung it at me sideways. I let out a grunt of determination as I lashed out and blocked his attack. Sparks flew off my sword as the sound of heavy metal on metal rang out into the air. I quickly spun around and brought my sword up at a diagonal angle, intent on slicing the fucker’s arm off. Instead, he sidestepped the attack and took another swing at my exposed head.

I threw up a portal of green Hellfire, and the spiked balls entered and reappeared directly in front of the wildman’s chest. He let out a grunt of pain and surprise as the barbs of his own weapon stabbed into his sternum.

Now was my chance.

I brought my sword down and slashed it against the asshole’s left leg. He screamed as the muscles and tendons were sliced free of their bones, and a splash of warm blood fell onto the ground behind him. My enemy fell to his knees, and I quickly stepped back and took a swing at his neck.

Just before my blade connected with the fleshy meat of his neck, the chains of the flail shot up and wrapped around it. The man yanked his weapon backward, and the sword was ripped from my hands, spun through the air, and stuck into the ground behind us. The next thing I knew, the fucker brought his fist up and uppercutted me in the jaw.

The blow knocked me back a step or two, but it was really nothing compared to the kind of punches I was used to taking. I’d fought demons and fallen Archangels, after all.

My opponent struggled to his feet and swung his flail as hard as he could. I deflected it with a flash of purple Hellfire, and then I retaliated with a haymaker of my own. Blood sprayed from the wildman’s mouth as my attack connected, and he collapsed back onto his wounded leg. He weakly tried to hit me with his spiked weapon, but he was far too gone to do any real damage. The blow rattled off the side of my armor, but it did little more than leave a tiny series of dents.

I thought about the succubi as I called forth my passion. Red Hellfire appeared in my right hand, and the crowd roared with excitement. As soon as my attack was strong enough, I threw my open palm forward and blasted the wildman at point-blank range. His body caught fire instantly as he was thrown across the sandy ground, and he rolled for nearly twenty feet before he came to a stop.

The crowd was now on their feet, screaming and whistling at the top of their lungs. I took in their cheers for a moment as their voices boomed in my eardrums. For a moment, I forgot I was in Hell. Unfortunately, I was brought back to reality as they all began to chant something.

“Fi-nish him! Fi-nish him!” they hissed.

I looked over at my defeated enemy. He laid there on the ground, burnt to a toasty crisp, but he was still very much alert.

The wildman struggled to get back on his knees, and I realized just how fucked up he looked. His long hair had been singed off his head, and the few strands that remained were now scattered around his scalp in greasy clumps. The flesh on his face was covered with third-degree burns, and I could see bits of charred muscle and bone peeking out through his missing skin. He looked awful, but he was still trying to fight back.

Ira was right. These Shades really didn’t know how to die.

The crowd continued to chant as they demanded blood. Normally, I would be against just killing somebody in cold blood, even if I knew they’d make a full recovery. However, my friends and I had literally been through Hell the last few days, and I wasn’t feeling particularly generous. Besides, this fucker was in no state to keep going. “Ending” him quickly would be mercy.

I began to approach my foe as he tried to stand. As I walked, I reached out with my emerald Hellfire, encircled the warhammer the bulky knight had dropped, and called it into my hands. The hammer was much heavier than I expected it to be, but I guess I should have expected that from a literal two-handed weapon. Once the tool of execution was in my possession, I increased my gait, and the crowd went wild. I raised the warhammer above my head and then brought it down angrily.

The blunt end of the weapon smashed into the top of the fucker’s head, and there was a loud crunch as it split his skull open like an overripe melon. He crumbled to the ground and twitched as his brains spilled out of his head and turned the sand into a soupy mixture of gore.

I raised the warhammer over my head in victory, and the crowd went crazy in response.

A few Shades appeared out of the nearest tunnel, placed the poor bastard’s body on a stretcher, and rushed him back to the infirmary. He may not have been able to die, but that asshole was going to remember this brutal asskicking for the rest of eternity.

The crowd cheered for another minute or two, and then they went eerily silent, like somebody had just flipped a switch and turned their applause off.

“Congratulations to our round one victor!” the man announced over the PA.

Round one? Mother fucker …

“Now, who is ready for the main event?” the announcer prodded, and the crowd responded with hoots and whistles. “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Shades of all ages … please welcome to the field our reigning champion! He’s the destroyer of temples, the commander of forty legions, the demon who’s never lost a single fight in the history of this joust … Malphas!”

Just as the announcer’s spiel finished, there was a loud cawing sound that echoed through the tunnel on the furthest end of the arena. Seconds later a large, black creature swooped out of the tunnel and flew around the perimeter of the coliseum, much to the crowd’s delight. It fluttered down and landed on the ground about fifty feet in front of me, and I took in the demon’s full form.

Malphas’ entire upper half was a strange human-crow hybrid. He wore no armor on his torso, but his chest, shoulders, and arms were covered with thick black feathers that glistened in the sunlight. The lower half of the demon was human and adorned with thick golden plate armor and matching boots. There were several symbols etched into the armor, but I couldn’t quite make out what they were. They reminded me of what I’d seen in The Lesser Key of Solomon, so I just assumed they were Hebrew of some sort. Malphas also had two large, bird-like wings jutting out of his back, but his arms and hands were anthropomorphic.

His head, on the other hand? That was straight crow. He had large, beady, black eyes and a triangular beak dark as his plume.

The demon was the size of a regular human, but I could see his giant muscles rippling beneath his feathers.

I shifted the warhammer over so it was being held in one hand, and then I called forth my green Hellfire. I picked up my helmet with the telekinetic flames and called it back into my hands. Then I swiftly forced it back onto my noggin, repositioned myself into a fighting stance, and readied the warhammer.

“Before we begin,” the announcer continued, “I must remind all of you of the Issuance of Provocation. As much as we love Malphas here in Thea, he’s been the champion for millennia. A true one-on-one fight wouldn’t be fair. Is there anyone here in this stadium who would like to join our ‘hero’ in his fight for the title?”

The crowd was silent, and my stomach twisted in my body. They’ve been watching this demon take down challengers for thousands of years. They knew exactly what he was capable of, and their silence was deafening.

I was on my own.

Just then, there was the faint sound of a guitar riff from the tunnel behind me. Instantly, I recognized it as the opening riff of one of Todd’s favorite songs, Thunderstruck. Malphas and I both turned around to see what was going on, and the song got louder as three armored figures appeared at the mouth of the tunnel.

It was Ira, Tris, and Todd.

The imp must have transformed into a human-sized figure, because he was wearing the bulky suit from the armory. He also had a huge-ass sword attached to his belt, a mace in his left hand, and a small radio in the other.

Tris was leather-clad in a suit that was comically large on her body. She wore an assassin-like hood over her head to conceal her identity, but the two miniature crossbows on her hip gave her away.

Meanwhile, Ira was wearing the chainmail armor from the armory, the one with the leather skirt at its bottom. On her head, she wore the rounded helmet with the grate face that Todd had branded the “dickhead helmet.” The Sister of Wrath had forgone the flashy new weapons from the prep room and instead stuck with her own morning star.

It was quite fitting for her, actually.

“We will challenge Malphas,” Ira answered.

“L-ladies and gentlemen,” the announcer nearly stumbled over his words, “for the first time in three-hundred years, we have a group challenge!”

My friends appeared beside me, and we all turned back to face the crow demon.

“Tag team match, bro,” Todd growled. “Let’s D-Generation X this motherfucker, Jakey.”

Chapter 3

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first team-challenge against Malphas in centuries,” the announcer’s booming voice sputtered over the PA system. “Because it’s been so long, here’s a little refresher course on the rules. Only one combatant is allowed to be in the ring at a time. The other three members of the team must stay in their corner and wait to be summoned by the current combatant.”

“Total tag-team match, bro,” Todd’s muffled voice whispered through his suit of armor.

“The battle ends when either party has been completely wiped out,” the voice finished. “Will this be the day Malphas falls? Probably not. But it’s gonna be a fun joust either way!”

“I’ll go first,” Ira offered. “You need some time to rest and recuperate.”

“I’ll be fine,” I promised. “The armor took most of the blows, anyway.”

The succubus shook her head and clicked her tongue. “No, no,” she argued. “I’ve been itching for a good one-on-one fight for quite some time.”

“If you insist,” I conceded. “Let’s give her some space, guys.”

Tris, Todd, and I ran over to the side of the arena and took our places. Ira tightened her grip on her morning star, narrowed her eyes, and dug her feet into the ground.

Malphas simply cocked his head like a bird and let out an angry squawk. The demon used one of his feather-covered hands to remove a miniature spear from the holster on his armor, twirled it around, and then held it at the ready. The weapon had to be the smallest spear I’d ever laid my eyes on. It was only about as long as the demon’s forearm, which made it the perfect size for short, precise jabs. It’s design was about as basic as they come, just a brown wooden hilt and a small triangular blade on the top.

I guess when you have twelve-inch-long talons on your feet, the fancy weaponry wasn’t really needed.

The trumpet sounded, and the battle began. Malphas screeched as he charged forward with his spear held out behind him like a tail. He swirled his spear around and stabbed at the succubus, but she was quick enough to roll out of his way.

As the succubus tumbled across the sand, she let loose a blast of red Hellfire. The fireball careened across the landscape toward Malphas, intent on turning him into a pile of charred feathers.

The bird-demon used his wings to zip up into the air, out of harm’s way, and the fireball passed underneath him harmlessly. He dive-bombed Ira feet-first just as she was regaining her footing, and she had no choice but to fall backward onto her ass to avoid the attack. She let out a gasp of surprise as his claw struck her in the right arm and left a massive slice in her flesh.

Ira looked down at the wound, growled with frustration, and then healed it up with a flash of golden Hellfire. Then the dark-haired woman held her morning star up like a baseball bat and shifted her weight back and forth as she waited for Malphas to return. When he finally swooped back down, she lined up her swing and struck him directly in the chest.

The demon let out a screech of pain as he was knocked from the sky and crashed into the ground. He pulled himself to his feet and looked down at the fresh wound on his chest. It wasn’t anything serious, but there was visible blood on his feathers.

A gasp of surprise spread across the crowd when they saw that the mighty Malphas had been hurt.

Meanwhile, the succubus was already making her next move. Ira dashed toward the bird-demon and lashed out at his feet, but he was too quick. Malphas leapt over her blow, pulled his legs up into his body, and hit her square in the chest with a kangaroo kick. Ira’s body flipped through the air, but she was able to catch herself and land on her hands and knees.

Before she could get a chance to re-orient herself, Malphas dug his foot into the ground in front of him and kicked up a cloud of sand at the succubus. Ira summoned pink Hellfire around her face right as the sand struck her, and the bird-demon let out a shriek as he was blinded by his own attack.

“Mirror magic, mother fucker!” Todd hooted.

The Sister of Wrath used this distraction to her advantage. She propelled herself off the ground, summoned forth her bat-like wings, and tackled Malphas into the air. The two bodies rocketed through the air and smashed through a large pillar on the far side of the stands.

The audience scattered as brimstone debris fell down from the ceiling, but it didn’t seem to matter to the two combatants. Ira and Malphas tumbled around, dodging the falling rocks as they kicked and clawed at each other. Finally, the demon-bird threw out his right talon and dug its tips into Ira’s chainmail armor.

Malphas swooped down to the ground with his helpless passenger in tow. Ira swung her morning star at the demon, but her blows were bouncing harmlessly off his armored trunk. The bird demon held out Ira’s body in front of him as he approached the ground, and a huge shower of grit shot up into the sky as he slammed her into it.

“Shit, Jakey,” Todd exclaimed. “She’s getting her ass kicked. Now would be a good time to tag someone else in.”

“But how?” Tris shot back. “She’s all the way across the arena, and she’s not getting over here any time soon.”

A sudden epiphany hit me. “If she can’t come to us, we’ll go to her,” I announced and summoned green Hellfire into my hands.

I cast two portals, one in front of our position and another one that was directly to Ira’s left. Within seconds of it’s opening, Ira’s slender hand appeared through the emerald flames. Before Tris or I could react, Todd reached out and slapped it enthusiastically.

“It’s the Toddster’s turn to shine,” he exclaimed as he sat the radio down on the ground, twirled his mace, and stepped into the arena.

Malphas released his grip on Ira, and I saw a flash of golden Hellfire as she healed herself back to full strength. The demon-bird didn’t hesitate to move on his new target, and he shot toward Todd like a speeding bullet.

“Batter up!” Todd cackled and swung at the incoming demon.

The imp’s blow completely missed, and he spun around like a top as Malphas struck him with his deadly spear. Sparks flew from Todd’s armor, and he was knocked to the ground, but he didn’t appear to be hurt.

“Holy fuck, Power Rangers was right!” he sighed with relief when he realized he wasn’t wounded. “Armor just sparks when the bad-guy hits you! I really, reallllly hope there’s something in the armory that summons the Dragon Zord.”

“Heads up, Todd!” I exclaimed when I saw Malphas coming back around.

The imp just scoffed and waved away my concern. “Didn’t you see, bro?” he laughed. “The Toddster’s armor is impenetrable! That needle-dick of a spear isn’t gonna do jack-shit against--”

Before he could finish his taunt, Malphas grabbed him by the ankle and lifted him up into the sky. The demon flew up through the opening in the coliseum, and the two figures completely disappeared from view.

“What the fuck is he doing?” Ira asked groggily as she appeared at my side.

“Have you ever seen how an eagle kills a turtle?” I asked as I tried to locate the combatants. “Their shell is too hard to penetrate, so what they do is pick the poor thing up, fly it up as high as they possibly can, and then drop it. The shell shatters, and the eagle is free to eat the remains. I think that’s exactly what this fucker is trying to do with Todd.”

“Can’t you just throw out a shield or something?” Tris asked with a twinge of panic in her voice.

Ira shook her head. “You can’t directly affect the outcome of the fight unless you’re currently in the arena,” she explained. “The portal-tagging was technically legal, but only technically.”

“Fuck the rules,” I growled and summoned purple Hellfire into my hands. “I’m not letting my best friend get splattered all over the sand.”

Ira held out her hand and laid it against mine. “They take their jousts very seriously,” she continued. “If you interfere, they will take us away to be punished and tortured for all eternity. As lovely as that sounds, it won’t help us save Invidia.”

“You said the portal was legal, right?” I tried to confirm.

The dark-haired woman just nodded. “Technically,” she reiterated. “I wouldn’t push you luck too much.”

“Tris, you’re up,” I commanded.

The tall brunette sprang to attention and gave me a half-cocked military salute. “Ten-four, Mr. Ralston,” she giggled and removed one of mini crossbows from her belt.

“The second Todd’s through the portal, make sure you tag him out,” I explained.

“Just get him through,” Tris agreed. “Then I’ll do the rest. Comprende?”

“Comprende.” I smiled and turned back to the arena.

As I scanned the area for any sign of the imp, I heard a distant scream. Way up in the sky, I could just see the glint of the sun shining off Todd’s armor. He was plummeting fast, and I had to make sure I threw down the portal in the exact spot he would impact.

If not, things were going to get messy.

The screaming imp fell through the opening of the coliseum with Malphas hot on his trail. I thought about what would happen if I missed this spell, if I couldn’t get it off in time, or if I misplaced the portal. Todd would die, and it would be all my fault. The feelings of disgust shot through my body as green Hellfire surged at my very core. I channelled the powers into my hands, held them out in front of me, and then cast the largest portal of jade Hellfire I could muster.

Instantly, Todd’s body shot through the portal and appeared in front of Tris. I cut off the spell, and Todd’s screams halted as he realized he was safe and sound. Tris reached out, slapped the imp’s hand, and then hopped into the arena. Meanwhile, the momentum of Todd’s body carried him up a few feet in the air, and then it reversed as it pulled him back down to the ground. The imp landed on his ass and let out a grunt of frustration.

“I had him right where I wanted him, Jakey,” he sighed. “Promise.”

“I know you did, bro,” I reassured my friend. “But Tris was just chomping at the bit to get in there.”

“That doesn’t sound like Slothy to me,” the imp pondered aloud. “She’s normally the last person to volunteer for anything like that. Fuck, sometimes I can’t even get her to test out the different strands of weed I come up with.”

I just shrugged. “She wanted in, so I let her in,” I lied.

Tris stood tall in her leather armor, and I took a moment to admire her figure. The brunette succubus was the tallest of the Circle of Sin, and she had long, slender legs that jutted out from beneath her leather skirt. The bottom of the armor came down just above her ass, and she wasn’t wearing any underwear. I was sure one wrong move would give me a perfect look at her tight, round bottom, and I was sure that’s exactly why she chose the skimpy outfit instead of something more practical.

I certainly wasn’t going to complain.

Malphas let out a squawk of annoyance and turned to the succubus. Instead of attacking her immediately like he had Todd and Ira, he began to strut around and take in his new opponent. It was almost comical, seeing a half-raven demon strutting around on his legs like a bird curious for a piece of bread. His beady eyes narrowed as he focused on Tris, but he waited for her to make the first move.

The succubus shuddered. “I know we’re both demons and all that shit,” she mused as she pulled both her miniature crossbows from her belt, “but this whole ‘half-bird’ thing is really, really freaking me out. I’m afraid I’m gonna have to put you down, little sparrow.”

Malphas tilted his head curiously at Tris’ words, and then he let out an angry screech. The succubus jumped at his sound, shivered, and then raised her weapons in front of her body.

The Sister of Sloth fired the first two deadly bolts at the demon, but he was able to duck out of the way of both of them. Tris’ weapons must have been some sort of modified design, because she instantly had two more bolts in the chamber and ready to go. She fired off round after round in rapid succession, and soon Malphas was met with a miniature hailstorm of crossbow bolts.

However, he was more than prepared for the attack. The demon’s beady eyes grew wide, and black Hellfire shot out of his hands. The spell hit the incoming projectiles, and they instantly transformed into crows.

“What the fuck?” I said aloud.

“Black Hellfire’s a bitch,” Ira sighed.

“You’re telling us,” Todd added. “That’s some deus ex machina shit. If only Jakey could get a grip on his … ”

I wanted to say something snarky to Todd, but I was too focused on this new development.

Tris had shot about a dozen arrows at the demon, and they were now all living, cawing birds. They banded together in the sky, flew over, and hovered behind Malphas. The bird-demon let out a squawk, and they all began to shriek angrily as they flew at the succubus.

“Not cool, dude,” the brunette hissed as she fired a few more rounds at the birds.

Malphas instantly used his spell to turn her bolts into more crows, and she quickly abandoned the idea.

Tris threw her crossbows to the ground in frustration and began to launch tiny fireballs at the incoming flock. She took out a few of the birds, but there were just so fucking many of the things. The three of us watched in horror as the swarm of birds surrounded Tris and began to peck at her flesh with their beaks.

I heard a few grunts of pain slip out of the succubus’ mouth, and my entire being filled with rage. I took a step forward, completely ready to tear Malphas and his birds limb-from-limb.

“Jacob!” Ira warned. “Don’t be a fool. She may not always act like it, but Tris is a big girl. She can handle herself.”

I allowed my fist to relax, but I was still yearning to dive in and save my succubus.

Tris unleashed another fireball, and a few more of the birds fell. Suddenly, the Sister of Sloth burst through the top of the swarm, carried by her curved demon wings. The birds and Malphas zipped up to follow her, and she led them on a wild chase all around the coliseum. Eventually, Tris got far enough ahead of the swarm to dip down and pick up one of her crossbows. The second she had possession of the weapon, she halted her flight, spun around, and dived headfirst into the swarm. She blasted through the attacking birds and popped out the other side, right in front of Malphas’ trajectory.

The bird-demon let out a squawk of surprise as Tris unleashed a bolt from her crossbow, but he couldn’t get his spell up in time. The projectile hit Malphas in the left shoulder, and he screeched in agony as it pierced all the way through.

The sound of their master’s suffering must have triggered something in his birds, because they somehow grew even more aggressive. The coliseum was filled with their angry caws as they flew toward Tris and surrounded her.

“Over here!” I called out and waved my arms above my head. “Tag me in!”

The succubus dashed through the air on her wings, but the birds were no more than two feet behind her. She led them all the way around the circular arena until she finally came around to our position.

My heart thumped in my chest as I held out my hand and awaited her touch. This was gonna be tricky. Even though I could use my Hellfire magic, I was somewhat restrained. My Hellfire of Judgement and my Divine Light, more particularly my God Bomb, would instantly give away my identity. Without my two strongest spells, taking down Malphas was going to be a bitch.

But I could do it. I was Jacob fucking Ralston.

Tris’ hand slapped against mine, and I dashed forward into the arena. Before the birds could process the change, I threw up a wall of purple Hellfire directly in their path. There were a series of sickly thuds as the crows smashed against the barrier, broke their necks, and then collapsed to the ground, dead. The few that were able to stop themselves were taken out almost instantly by a blast of red Hellfire.

Just as I killed the final crow, I felt a sudden jolt as Malphas smashed into me with his spear. White-hot pain shot through my side as he carried me for a few feet in the air and then tossed me off to the side. I rolled across the sandy ground and left a trail of blood in my wake. I pulled myself to my feet and glanced down to see a sliver punched into the side of my armor. Warm red blood trickled out of the wound and down the side of the silver breastplate, but it didn’t feel like the gash was too deep.

As Malphas turned in the sky and began his descent once more, I summoned up all the passionate thoughts I could think of. My entire body began to glow with red Hellfire, and I clapped my hands together. The second I made the motion, a beam of flames shot forth from my arms.

The approaching demon swooped out of the way of each one of my blasts, but that was okay. The attack had been more of a distraction, anyway.

Malphas held out his mini spear in front of himself, ready to deliver another deadly strike.

I threw up a small barrier of purple in front of my body, and the demon’s spear slammed into the flames. There was a loud crack as its hilt splintered into a million pieces, and the head of the weapon spun through the air and landed harmlessly in the sand.

The next thing I knew, two sharp talons wrapped around my right arm and threw me into the air. Malphas shot up like a bullet and struck me with his claws. There was the sound of metal being punctured, and it instantly felt like my back had been stuck by six large pins. If it hadn’t been for my armor, I would have been skewered like a shish kebab. Malphas moved himself into an upright position, and my body flipped downward so it was parallel with the Earth.

As the demon lifted me higher into the sky, I surveyed the ground of the arena for my sword. It took me a minute, but I finally recognized the glint of the weapon on the ground, so I reached out with my green Hellfire, and the sword came rocketing through the air and landed firmly in my gauntlet. I lashed out blindly with my blade and felt it connect with the flesh of the demon’s leg.

Malphas squawked in pain and released his grip on my body. I had to release my grip on the sword in return, but it remained firmly lodged in the fucker’s ankle.

I felt myself falling and realized the ground was approaching fast. I quickly cast a wave of green around my body and slowed my descent to a crawl. I plopped down harmlessly on the ground and turned my attention back to my opponent.

The bird-demon was beyond angry. Surely the four of us had been the most worthy opponents he’d seen in years, and he was about to go into desperation mode to defend his title. Malphas let out an unearthly, distorted caw as he changed his momentum and dived at me at lightning-fast speed.

I rolled out of the way of his attack, and he swooped back up into the sky like a bird who’d just missed catching a fish. He fluttered in the air for a moment as he prepared for his next assault, but I was getting tired of this bullshit.

The second he halted his momentum, I summoned green flames into my hands and reached out toward the demon. Or, more specifically, I reached out for my sword.

Malphas’ eyes went wide as he was yanked downward. He tried to beat his wings and fight back against my pull, but he was too weak to put up any sort of fight.

My hand touched the hilt of my sword, and I instantly felt the impact of the demon’s fist against my helmet. But it was too late for the fucker.

Now that he was within range, it was time to end this.

I focused my telekinetic Hellfire on the crossbow bolt that Tris had shot into him earlier. The projectile was engulfed with emerald flames, and I used my spell to tear it out of the demon’s body, sideways.

A spray of blackish blood shot out like a geyser from Malphas’ arm as the limb was ripped off at the shoulder. Then I dislodged my blade from the demon’s leg, spun around, and lopped the bird-fucker’s head right off his body.

His cranium fell into the sand with an anticlimactic thud, his body went rigid, and Malphas’ lifeless form toppled over. The entire coliseum seemed to gasp at once before they went dead silent.

The demon who had dominated this joust for so many centuries was no more. The people of Thea had a new champion, and that champion was me.

“L-ladies and gentle-gentlemen,” the announcer fumbled over his words, “I-I present to you, our new champion of Thea!”

The crowd remained silent for another second as they processed what they’d just seen. Then they all stood to their feet and started to cheer louder than they had the entire battle.

I stumbled back over to my friends and let out a long, relieved sigh.

“That was legendary, bro,” Todd said as he patted me on the back. “One for the fucking history books. Jacob Ralston, the man who ended Malphas’ win streak at Theamania.”

“I don’t think they call it that,” I laughed and put my arm around my friend’s neck.

I looked over at Ira and Tris and knew something was wrong. Both of the succubi looked like they’d just seen a ghost, and they wore expressions of complete horror stretched across their faces.

“What is it?” I asked curiously. “Is there another challenge I have to face? Is there an even more powerful demon I have to slay?”

“Worse,” Ira said with tears now filling her eyes. “It’s-It’s … ” The succubus sighed and extended her long finger up toward a section of the crowd.

I followed the line of her finger until my eyes fell upon the coliseum’s “balcony” seating.

Then my heart dropped into my stomach.

There, in the VIP seating, was a large red demon with horns that curved over his head in a “C” pattern. Next to him was a large metal birdcage, almost like a human-sized version of what you’d use to transport your birds to the vet. Inside the cage was a beautiful winged woman in a black corset who had hair darker than night itself.

It was Azazel and Invidia.

“Is that … is that really them?” I finally managed to choke out. “Has he been watching the whole thing?”

“I don’t know,” Ira finally muttered. “He hasn’t said anything yet. If he recognized us, surely Azazel would have stopped the match and had us killed.”

“Thank fuck we were wearing these helmets, bro,” Todd sighed.

“Thank fuck you went all human-size,” Tris added. “It would have been waaay harder to hide if we’d had a three-foot tall imp with our group.”

“Three and a half foot, thank you very much,” Todd scoffed. “Contrary to what my ex will tell you, size does matter.”

My heart was beating so hard in my chest I swore I could hear it echoing inside my suit of armor. Azazel was right there, in front of us, and he was none the wiser.

This was the perfect chance to take him out quickly and without retaliation.

“Thank you for coming out to our joust today, folks,” the announcer’s voice said over the PA. “Our lord and master Azazel is grateful for your patronage. Now, go back out and get to work, peasants. Those sties aren’t going to tend themselves!”

There was a muffled grumbling from the crowd as they all began to stand up and head toward the exit. Meanwhile, a few of the medics appeared out of the far tunnel and began to tend to Malphas’ body.

“Good luck healing that up, bro,” Todd chuckled under his breath. “I dunno about down here, but full head transplants don’t really work up on Earth. Unless you’re Frankenstein.”

“What does a giant green monster have to do with any of this?” Tris sighed. I could tell she was trying to lighten the mood, but she fidgeted with her hands nervously.

“Frankenstein was the scientist,” Todd said in an annoyed tone. “His monster didn’t have a name. You still have a fuckton to learn about Earth culture, Slothy. We’ll have to do a movie marathon when we get back.”

“If we get back,” Ira added somberly.

I felt a sudden surge of adrenaline wash over my body. “Oh, we’re going to get back,” I promised. “I’m gonna take out that fucker right here and now.”

“Jacob, wait!” Tris exclaimed, but I was already moving.

It would be simple. I’d grab my fallen crossbow, use a portal to teleport behind the big red asshole, and then shoot him in the back of the head. It’d be quick, easy, and in the chaos of the leaving crowd, he’d never see it coming.

I ran across the sandy field so quickly I almost tripped over my own feet multiple times. My crossbow was only about two hundred feet away from where I had originally exited the tunnel, and I was on it in no time at all. I snatched the heavy weapon up in my hands and continued in a full sprint over toward the quiver. I didn’t halt my momentum as I grabbed one of the deadly bolts, loaded it into the crossbow, and pulled back the string. As I ran, I turned my attention toward the spot where Azazel had been standing.

He was still there, chatting it up with another important-looking figure. More importantly, he wasn’t paying attention to me whatsoever. Why would he? I was just a harmless inhabitant of Thea, after all.

Without warning, a hooded figure leapt down from the stands and landed in my path. “Halt, Jacob Ralston,” a tough feminine voice commanded.

I didn’t know who the fuck this person was, but I wasn’t going to miss my chance at revenge. I completely ignored the woman with the full intention to barrel her over if she didn’t move.

“I wasn’t asking,” she growled when it was apparent I wasn’t going to stop.

In a single move, the hooded figure pulled out a wooden club and swung it down at my feet. I was able to dodge the initial attack, but the hooded figure’s weapon came up and hurled straight for my head.

Luckily, I was quick enough to catch the blunt object in my hands. My eyes narrowed as I stared down the figure in the hood, but then my anger melted away when I saw who was looking back at me.

It was a blonde woman with pointed features and two beautiful green eyes.

“We need to get out of here before we have any more unwanted attention,” her angelic voice whispered. “The last thing we need is Azazel catching on to us.”

“Fuck off,” I hissed through my helmet. “I’m going to kill that bastard here and now.”

“Patience, Mr. Ralston,” the hooded woman sighed. “You will get to Azazel soon enough. But for now, I come bearing a message from Lilith, the Demon Queen.”

“Start talking,” I shot back.

“She has been very impressed by your story, Mr. Ralston,” the angelic voice continued. “She would like it very much if you and your friends could go on a mission for her.”

Chapter 4

The hooded figure helped me stand to my feet, and I glanced around to see many of the remaining audience members were staring at us with concern. I shot them a little salute to assure them I was fine, and then they began to cheer happily.

“We got a surprise walk-out?” Todd hissed as my friends dashed over to where I was standing. “Do we need to toast this bitch, Jakey?”

“No, no,” I promised my friends. “She claims she’s a messenger for Lilith.”

Ira and Tris both gasped. “Lilith?” Ira asked. “Like, the Lilith? The first succubus? The original wife of Adam? The Demon Queen?”

The hooded figure nodded, and Ira let out a squeal of glee.

“Do you have any idea how much I’ve always wanted to meet Lilith?” she said with a grin. “I’ve looked up to her ever since, well, I was created. The way she’s manipulated Lucifer into subtly doing her bidding over the years … the way she takes no shit from anyone … she’s a fucking legend.”

“All in due time,” the hooded figure reassured us. “For now, we need to get out of here while Azazel is still none the wiser. It took me no time at all to find those people you swapped clothes with. Do you really think it will take the Father of Warfare’s men any longer? Because I can assure you, they will not be as pleasant as I was.”

“You heard the lady in the potato sack,” Todd snorted, “let’s get a move on it.”

The five of us gathered up our remaining weapons and headed toward the exit of the coliseum. The adrenaline of the battle was finally wearing off, and I was becoming acutely aware of the dull throbbing in my side where I had been stabbed by Malphas’ blade. The woman in the robe was walking about five paces faster than anyone else in the group, determined to get to wherever the fuck we were headed.

We exited the massive arena of brimstone and returned to the daily bustle of the village. There were several villagers all out and about, trying to peddle their wares or crops to the passing villagers of Thea. One of them tried to sell us a slab of freshly-butchered pork ribs, but the hooded figure blew past him like he was invisible.

Once we finally reached the outskirts of Thea, I felt myself begin to get woozy. I clutched my wound, stumbled, and only prevented myself from falling by grabbing onto a nearby windowsill.

“Hey guys,” I called out as I doubled over. “I think we need to take a breather. I’m pretty sure Malphas got me worse than I thought.”

I sat down on an overturned crate, and the two succubi walked over with concern in their eyes. Tris hurriedly removed my armored sleeve, and Ira got to work on untying the breastplate. The armor popped off in a flash, and I looked down to see my clothes were completely soaked with my own blood.

“Sorry Tris,” I sighed. “As much as I’ve enjoyed your company, I need Sia on this one.”

“Totally fine, dude,” the Sister of Sloth said with a shake of her head. “I was getting tired, anyways.”

I weakly reached over and placed my finger against the tattoo of the blunt on my forearm. A brilliant white light shot out of the ink, engulfed Tris in its radiance, and then sent her back to Earth. Immediately after, I fumbled around and touched the image of the glowing gold hand. The light returned, but this time it held a much smaller, more petite figure.

As the light of the spell dimmed, I saw Superbia in all her glory. The tiny redheaded succubus was as skinny as a pencil, but she filled out in all the right ways. Her large, violet eyes seemed to smile when they met my own, but then they grew concerned as the woman realized why she’d been summoned.

“Jacob, you’re injured!” she gasped as she ran over and knelt down at my side.

“It’s just a flesh wound,” I lied. “Malphas’ spear, that’s all.”

“You fought Malphas?” she asked in shock.

“Yup,” Todd retorted proudly. “We totally tag-teamed his ass and turned him into a warm bucket of fried chicken.”

My stomach made a large gurgling noise at the imp’s words. “Don’t mention food right now, Todd,” I sighed. “I don’t think we’ve eaten anything since back at the First Circle.”

“I have food back at my dwelling,” the hooded figure explained. “If we ever get there, that is.”

Sia shot the figure a dirty look. “Hello, Eligor,” she gritted out. “It’s been far too long.”

“Good to see you again too, Superbia,” the figure answered sarcastically.

The redheaded succubus closed her eyes and summoned golden Hellfire into her hands. “This is much worse than it looks,” she said with a click of her tongue. “I’m glad you summoned me when you did. Infection would have been imminent. That is, if you hadn’t died from blood loss first.”

The succubus placed her shimmering hand against the gash in my side. At first, her touch was painful, but then the sensation changed to one of numb warmth.

I watched as the golden spell surrounded my wound and slowly began to turn the wet blood into dark, hard scab tissue. Then the edges of the gash began to pull themselves together as if they were being sewed by an invisible needle. Within seconds, it had completely disappeared, and I felt good as new.

“There we go,” Sia said proudly. “That should do the trick. Is anyone else ailing right now?”

“We’re all going to be ailing if we don’t get a move on it,” Eligor grumbled. “Azazel is still in Thea, you know.”

“Sheesh,” Todd whispered to the rest of us loudly. “Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the stable this morning.”

The four of us began to chuckle at the imp’s joke, but a glint of steel flashed in front of us and stopped just short of Todd’s neck. The imp let out a girlish squeal of terror as his eyes widened, and he felt around to make sure his head was still attached to his body.

The hooded figure stood there with her sword held menacingly. She was close enough now I could make out a faint smile on her thin pink lips, and I could see the pointed features of her face. Eligor took a step back, sheathed her sword, and turned back toward the edge of town.

“Alright, alright,” Todd sighed. “No jokes, I get it. Everybody’s a critic.”

“It’s alright, Todd,” Sia reassured the imp. “Eligor is not known for her sense of humor. She’s actually fairly stone-cold, if you want to know my opinion.”

“That sounds familiar … ” I said as I gave the madame a slight jab with my elbow.

“Please,” Sia replied with a roll of her eyes. “My state of mind when you met me was sunshine and rainbows compared to Eligor.”

We began to follow the mysterious figure, but we made sure to stay a few feet behind her so we could speak without being heard.

“I’m starting to get the impression you two don’t get along,” I chuckled to Sia.

The madame shook her head furiously. “Not at all,” she explained. “Eligor was Lilith’s most trusted servant, and I was Azazel’s. There was always a power struggle between the two parties, so naturally their second-in-commands were thrown into the middle of it all.”

“So was there ever like, a super-sexy catfight between the two of you?” Todd asked curiously. “I’m asking for a friend.”

The three of us looked at the imp, unconvinced, but he just threw up his armored hands.

“I’m serious!” he bickered. “The Toddster’s only into the human babes, remember? That kinda shit doesn’t get my yogurt-cannon going, but it sure would for some of my listeners!”

“I-I have no words,” I gagged as the imagery of Todd’s words flitted through my head. “You really think there’s a market for that?”

“Bro,” Todd said matter-of-factly. “There’s a market for everything under the sun. The internet is a deep, dark place if you really take the dive. There was one time I saw--”

“I’m going to stop you there,” I said as I raised up my hand and cut off his words. “I want to live the rest of my life without knowing how that sentence ends.”

“To answer your question,” Sia interjected in an attempt to get us back on subject, “yes, we have come to blows a few times. Usually when I was on an errand for Azazel that Lilith thought was ‘overstepping his authority.’ Our struggles usually ended in a stalemate, though. Eligor is a much better combatant than I, but her magical abilities are nothing compared to my own.”

“Sounds like a rematch is in order?” Ira asked hopefully. “I want to get beaten raw by a badass knight. Malphas didn’t quite pack the punch I was hoping for.”

“Demon knight?” I asked curiously. “I thought Furcas was the only ‘Demon Knight’ in Hell?”

“Technically, yes,” Sia continued. “The recently-deceased Furcas was the sole Demon Knight in Hell. Eligor is not a demon.”

“She’s not?” I gasped. “Then how is she Lilith’s right-hand woman?”

“Because, just like Cupiditas, she’s a fallen angel,” the redhead sighed. “Unlike the succubi, Eligor wasn’t created by Lilith. That meant the Demon Queen saw her as an equal, rather than a subordinate.”

“I sense a twinge of jealousy in your voice, Sister,” Ira prodded.

Sia’s eyes narrowed at the dark-haired succubus. “You’d be jealous too if you worked your tail off to be the best you could possibly be, only to be assigned to one of the most cruel Demon Lords in existence,” the madame spat uncharacteristically. “Working with Lilith has been a dream of mine for centuries.”

“Careful, Sister,” Ira snarked back, “you may have been my madame for a millennia, but we’re partners now. Please don’t speak to me with that tongue.”

“Well, uh, it sounds like you’re about to get your wish,” I interrupted and tried to ease the tension. “Eligor told me Lilith herself has a mission for us.”

Both of the succubi looked at me curiously.

“What could the Demon Queen possibly want from a mortal and his succubi?” Sia pondered aloud.

Todd made a loud “ahem” noise, and the succubus jumped with surprise.

“Sorry,” she corrected herself, “a mortal, his succubi, and their imp.”

“‘Their’ imp?” Todd scoffed and crossed his arms. “Not cool, Strawberry Shortcake. Not cool at all.”

“Are you schoolgirls done gossiping?” Eligor called back as she came to a halt a few feet in front of us. “We’re here.”

The four of us stepped up to meet her and instantly realized we were now standing on a large cliff. A beautiful valley of green grass spread out before us, stretching on for at least two or three miles before it crawled up into the spire of another mountain. There was a large lake out in the center of the valley, and a small herd of vargrats drank from its banks. It would almost have been serine, had I not known what those vermin were capable of.

“Where’s ‘here?’” Todd asked. “Are we pitching a tent or something?”

The fallen angel completely ignored the imp. Instead, she simply surrounded herself in a color of Hellfire I’d never seen before. It was green, but it wasn’t the deep shade of emerald Liby and I’s telekinetic spell was made out of. Instead, it was vibrant with a hint of yellow, almost like a lime. The spell caused Eligor to lift up into the sky, and she began to aim down at the ground below.

Suddenly, the ground began to quake, and for a moment I wondered if there were giant worms in the Fourth Circle, too. My fears were halted when the grass below us spread apart like a giant sinkhole, and a large, square metal structure rose out of the ground. Eligor’s dwelling continued to rise until the bottom of the structure was even with the ground at our feet, and then she motioned for us to follow.

“Home sweet home,” she sighed and strutted toward the entrance.

Eligor threw open the door, stepped inside, and then stuck her head back curiously. “You guys coming?”

The dwelling was large, but it was about as plain as you could get. The walls were made of dark brimstone, and it completely lacked any sort of window or opening save for the main door. It currently sat atop a massive pillar of stone that had been raised out of the ground to create a makeshift platform.

“Elemental magic,” Ira said with a nod. “She is very much like Cupi. And not just because she’s a smoking hot blonde, either.”

“Easy, killer,” Todd chuckled as he headed for the door. “I think Jakey gets first dibs on all the sexy women we run into down here.”

“That’s fair,” the Sister of Wrath cooed. “Just as long as I get to share her.”

The four of us entered the building, and it was as plain on the inside as it had been on the outside. There were no pieces of decor or pictures on the walls, and the only furniture we could see were a handful of cots, a roller desk, and a chair. The far wall was covered with shelves packed to the brim with canned goods, instant meals, and all the supplies you could need for an emergency. The wall to the immediate left of the entrance had a massive armory that dwarfed even the one we’d seen in the coliseum’s prep room. The final wall of the bunker was covered with screens that displayed all sorts of blurry security footage. I recognized the slushy ruins of the Third Circle on one screen, and the windy desolation of the Second Circle on another.

She was spying on all Nine Circles of Hell.

“H-how is this possible?” Sia demanded as she stared at the screens with her mouth agape. “Lucifer would never allow this!”

“You’re right,” Eligor chuckled as she stepped over to what looked like a closet. “That’s why it’s a good thing he doesn’t know. Working for Lilith has its … benefits.”

The succubus madame’s face grew red as she stomped her feet and crossed her arms. “So Lilith and her underlings can do whatever they so desire without any consequences?” she asked in a huff.

The hooded figure of Eligor shrugged. “Oh there would be repercussions, alright,” she said coyly, “but only if one of us was stupid enough to get caught. That’s why I live in a movable bunker.”

“Movable bunker?” Todd chuckled. “This thing is huge. Probably about as mobile as Jakey’s Uncle Chub.”

“You’re literally the only person who calls Uncle Ted that,” I laughed.

Todd shrugged. “He shouldn’t have gotten caught with his pants down then,” he said nonchalantly. “The whole world saw his chode, Jakey. It’s not an image I’ll get out of my head anytime soon, no matter how hard I try.”

“You were the one who de-pantsed him!” I reminded the imp. “At my family barbeque.”

“He shouldn’t have taken the last pork chop, bro,” Todd explained. “That was an unforgivable offense.”

“I can assure you, imp,” Eligor interrupted, “this place is much more mobile than it appears. Once it’s in the ground, I can summon it to my position wherever I want, in any of the Nine Circles. You have to stay on the move if you want to avoid detection. I’m hoping that, once you kill Azazel and take over this place, I can finally leave that life behind me.”

“Look, Eligor,” I sighed, “no offense, but why should I trust you? For all I know, you could have just led us all back here to murder us in our sleep. Why should I believe anything you’re saying?”

The fallen angel let out a deep sigh as she undid the ties on her cloak. As Eligor dropped the hooded garment from her body, I couldn’t help but let out a gasp of surprise. To say the woman was “stunning” would have been a disservice to her in every way.

Eligor had a head full of blonde hair so bright it almost looked white. Her features were sharp, with cheekbones that framed the perfectly-formed smile and deep blue eyes. Underneath her cloak, the fallen angel was wearing next to nothing. Two cups of dark silver metal laid across her massive breasts, each one just big enough to cover her nipples. The armored bikini top was attached to her body at her sides, which themselves were covered with a thin strip of metal that ran the full length of her figure. Both sides of the strip widened into a layered metal boot at her feet, and the fallen angel’s private parts were just barely covered up with a scaled metal thong. When Eligor turned around to hang up her cloak, her tight, curvy ass was on full display.

“Now, I’m by far the least prude of the group,” Ira said as she cleared her throat, “but isn’t that armor a little bit … impractical? It doesn’t even cover any of your vital organs.”

“Oh, Crazy Eyes … ” Todd clicked his tongue as he shook his head. “I see you’re not a fan of RPG games or DnD. Everybody knows the skimpier the armor, the more powerful it is. Fuck, I’d say the shit she’s wearing right now has to add at least fifty defense.”

“The imp is right,” Eligor said with a playful smile. “Looks can be deceiving. I stole this armor off Lamashtu’s corpse, so you know it’s the finest material you can get.”

“Dammmmnnnn Gina,” Todd whistled. “You killed Lamashtu, the Demon Queen of Infertility?”

“It wasn’t that difficult,” the knight admitted. “I honestly don’t even know why she needed armor at all. The majority of the time, her targets were pregnant women and infants. You should have been there, the fight she tried to put up was pitiful.”

“Why are you killing Demon Queens?” I asked cautiously. “I thought you guys all had uneasy alliances with each other?”

“Times are changing, Jacob Raslton,” she explained. “Lilith realizes it. Did you know that, back when you defeated Azazel in that graveyard, it was the first time a mortal had ever defeated a Demon King in one-on-one combat?”

“So I’ve been told.” I nodded. “So what?”

“Lilith sees the potential in you,” the blonde knight continued. “She is a firm believer in ‘survival of the fittest,’ and she believes most of Lucifer’s generals aren’t fit to survive. Lamashtu … Azazel … Onoskelis … They’re all a product of the olden times, and they need to be eliminated if we are ever to have ultimate victory over the Exalted One.”

I instantly tensed up at the knight’s words. She may have been helping us at the moment, but she was still a demon of the vilest order, and just like the rest of her brethren, her ultimate goal was to bring about the end of creation. In fact, I’d heard this whole spiel once before, back in Arizona.

It sounded an awful lot like the rhetoric Uriel and Beelzebub had been spouting.

“That’s it?” I growled. “Lilith just wants us to do her dirty work for her, and then she’ll use the spoils of our victory to destroy our closest ally? Why the fuck would I ever agree to do that?”

Eligor rolled her eyes. “Oh yes, I almost forgot,” she sighed. “You think you are on the side of the Exalted One.”

“We don’t ‘think,’” Sia interjected. “We are.”

“Suit yourself,” the knight continued. “You are in His good graces now, but what happens when you get back to Earth Realm? A mortal traveling through the Realms without authorization is an unforgivable sin. He already wants to put you on trial for killing Uriel, no?”

“It’s just a trial.” I shrugged. “He was trying to raise up an army of Daeva and overthrow everyone. I know we were in the right to stop him.”

“Maybe you were,” Eligor said coyly, “but I have a feeling He won’t see it that way. Give it time, and you’ll all come around to the right side.”

“Look, Goldilocks,” Todd interjected, “I’m all for immoral fun and gray areas and all that shit, but I think we can all agree working for the literal Devil is not being the ‘right’ side.”

“Lucifer,” the blonde corrected. “I know you’ll come around eventually. His name may have been slandered for millions of years, but Lucifer had a very good reason for rebelling.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I scoffed. “He wanted ‘freedom’ and ‘liberty’ and all that. I’m still not going to make a literal deal with the D--er, Lucifer.”

“You’re not making a deal with Lucifer,” Eligor corrected. “You’re making one with Lilith. And it’s not like I’m asking you to lead the Army of the Damned up to the Pearly Gates. She just wants you to kill Azazel, that’s all. So far, you and your friends are the only ones who’ve proven strong enough to defeat the Father of Warfare. Once he’s out of the way, and you control the Fourth Circle, your duty is done. Lilith asks that you allow me and her followers to take refuge in your domain, but other than that small favor, we would leave you alone to do whatever the fuck you wanted.”

“Why do we even need your help in the first place?” I tried to bargain with the knight. “You said it yourself, we’ve already proven we can defeat Azazel on our own.”

“Ah, I was wondering when you’d ask that,” Eligor said in a tone that implied she’d caught us in a trap. “You’ve defeated Azazel and his minions on Earth Realm, but now you’re down in Hell, on his turf. In the Fourth Circle, Azazel and his minions will have powers ten times what they were when you fought them before. But Lilith has a bit of knowledge that will help even the odds, if you choose to accept our offer.”

I rubbed my chin thoughtfully as I pondered the offer. One one hand, I didn’t want to help the literal Devil’s army. On the other, she made it sound like we didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in Hell of defeating Azazel without their help.

“Give us a second,” I offered as I looked at my friends. “Alright, guys, let’s huddle.”

The four of us got into a small circle and leaned in close so Eligor couldn’t hear us.

“What do you think?” I asked.

“I don’t trust her one bit,” Sia said bitterly. “Eligor and I have a long history together, one that is full of bickering, dishonesty, and backstabbing.”

“This may be true, Sister,” Ira argued, “but I see no reason for her to lie this time. What if she really does know the key to defeating our former master? If we don’t take her help, he’s going to spank us when we finally come face-to-face. And I don’t mean in the ‘rough, bite-the-pillow’ sort of way.”

“I’m with Crazy Eyes on this one,” Todd admitted. “Azazel’s never been a pushover, but he’s gonna be waaaay stronger with a homefield advantage. Anything we could possibly do to make this easier would be awesome, bro.”

“Now you’re starting to sound like Tris,” I chuckled. “I guess we should just do what I did back in college when Todd and I were trying to figure out what to spend our limited budget on.”

“Aaaaahhhh,” the imp snickered. “I haven’t played ‘Best Case, Worst Case’ in years.”

“Thankfully, we haven’t had to.” I smiled and then turned back to our friends. “Okay, so what’s the best case scenario here?”

Ira spoke first. “That Eligor is telling the truth,” she suggested. “That we really are outmatched by Azazel here in Hell, and Lilith’s knowledge is the only thing that will even the odds.”

“Okay … ” I continued. “And what’s the worst case scenario?”

“Worst case is she’s lying,” Sia grumbled. “That she’s setting us up for complete failure, or so we’ll do all of the grunt work before Lilith comes down and steals our victory.”

“That’s the worst you can come up with?” Todd chuckled. “I was thinking, like, she could secretly be working for Azazel, and she’s gonna capture us and force maggots up our asses for all of eternity. Or maybe she’s a mirage, another trick by the Fourth Circle, and Jakey’s gonna fall for her only to have his heart broken in a depressing fashion.”

The three of us looked at Todd with horror on our faces, but the imp just shrugged.

“What?” he chuckled. “My mind goes to funky places when I play this game.”

“Then you’ll remember what the next part is.” I nodded. “Does the worst case scenario outweigh the best?”

“Uh, is that even a question?” Todd shot back immediately. “Worms shoved up my asshole versus a little side quest? There is no debate here, bro.”

“As much as I don’t want to admit it,” Sia sighed, “Todd is right. If she’s telling the truth, we can’t afford to not go along with her plan.”

“I agree with Superbia,” Ira added. “As much as my submissive side would love to get her ass beaten raw by a deadly Demon King, we should let the knight help us. She is pretty fucking sexy, after all.”

“Ira!” Sia slapped her sister on the arm. “What have I told you about basing your life decisions on how attractive you find a person?” she demanded.

The Sister of Wrath grinned and locked eyes with me. “It’s worked out pretty good so far, hasn’t it?” she said coyly.

“Alright guys, I think we’ve made up our minds,” Todd tried to bring us back on track. “One, two, three, break!”

The imp clapped his hands, and the four of us turned back to Eligor. The fallen angel had her hands placed firmly on her hips, and she was giving us a look that was both sexy and authoritative at the same time.

“So?” she purred. “What’s your choice? A lifetime of luxury, or certain death?”

“Well when you put it that way, it doesn’t sound like we have a choice at all!” Todd squeaked out in annoyance. “Nobody in their right mind is gonna pick death, bro. I mean, maybe Invidia. She looks like the kinda girl who’d tattoo the lyrics to Welcome to the Black Parade on her inner thigh just because she realizes that’s the closest Gerald Way would ever come to eating her out.”

“That’s … that’s a very specific burn, Todd,” I said as I shook my head with amusement.

“Invidia has always had an infatuation with the macabre,” Sia explained. “She was never one for self-harm or strange fetishes, though. That would be this one over here.”

“Guilllttyyyyy!” Ira said proudly.

“Ohhhhh, so she’s not emo,” Todd realized aloud. “She’s just a big titty goth girlfriend type.”

“I don’t know what that is,” Sia admitted, “but it does sound like an accurate description of our last Sister.”

“Exactly,” Eligor said, trying to persuade us. “And Jacob will never get to experience this ‘big-titted goth girlfriend’ if you don’t accept Lilith’s aid.”

I held out my hands and made a “settle down” motion. “You don’t have to keep trying to persuade us,” I explained. “We’re in.”

The ever-so-subtle hint of a smile spread across Eligor’s lips, and the knight nodded with a satisfied grunt.

“Easy there, Eligor,” Sia said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice. “Don’t get too emotional on us. Now that we’ve agreed to Lilith’s deal, could you please enlighten us on your Earth-shattering secret? The one that will help us defeat Azazel once and for all?”

“Of course,” the blonde knight said with a nod. “Are you familiar with the Unhallowed Sword?”

“Who isn’t?” Sia scoffed.

The room went completely silent, and the redhead looked around at us with surprise etched onto her face.

“I guess it’s just me,” she mumbled. “Eligor, would you mind explaining?”

“Sure thing, my newfound ally,” the blonde said with a slight nod. “The Unhallowed Sword is one of the many legendary weapons of Hell, perhaps even the most powerful of the bunch. It was forged out of the finest steel the universe had to offer, and the blacksmith used the lava from the Lake of Fire itself in the process. Once it was finished, it was given a rock-hard hilt made from brimstone and enchanted with silver Hellfire.”

“Silver Hellfire?” I asked somewhat excitedly. “That’s a power I haven’t mastered yet.”

“Of course not,” Eligor chuckled. “You’ve only been a part of this world for two years, Mr. Ralston. Silver Hellfire powers come from a caster’s ability to channel their pure willpower into a magical form. That takes decades to learn and centuries or even millennia to master.”

“Yeah so, about that,” Todd said with a raised finger. “What exactly does silver Hellfire do? We’ve seen it like, four times, and it’s done something different each and every time.”

“That’s because, like the black Hellfire, willpower magic adjusts itself to the user,” she explained. “Say, for example, the person casting the spell is notoriously self-centered. Then their silver Hellfire might do something like help them escape a trap or turn invisible. Now, if the person using the spell is, say, an aggressive fighter, then it will manifest itself as something more offensive. I’ve seen it take on the form of magma, molten metal, and even a corrosive spell that made opponents’ weapons and armor corrode. The possibilities are endless.”

“So what’s the gimmick of this silver spell?” I asked as I thought about what kind of things I could do with willpower magic. “What makes it so important to defeating Azazel?”

“As long as the King of the Fourth Circle possesses even one member of his original harem, he’ll be next to impossible to beat,” the knight explained. “Needless to say, you’re going to need to free Invidia before you can take him out.”

“Right,” I said with a nod. “We already knew that, though. Where does this sword come in?”

Eligor’s eyes narrowed. “You get right to the point, don’t you, Mr. Ralston? I like that about a man.”

“There’s a lot to like about me,” I flirted back. “Just ask any of my succubi.”

“I’m gonna barf,” Todd said with a gagging noise. “Jakey’s trying to turn Eligor into another notch on his ‘pump ‘n fill’ membership card. Two more, and I think he gets a free appetizer or some shit.”

“There are worse things in the world than having sex with a handsome man,” she said coyly. “But I’m not going to be one of your conquests. We all have work to do.”

“You know,” Ira mused, “I said the exact same thing when I first met Jacob. Now, I’m letting him conquer me almost every day!”

“Right,” Eligor muttered as she completely ignored Ira’s words. “The reason you need the Unhallowed Sword is because Azazel made it especially for this situation.”

“Oh?” I asked as I raised my eyebrow at the woman, who simply nodded.

“I’ve seen the cage Invidia is being kept in,” she sighed. “It was developed by Azazel to hold any significant prisoners of war he might capture during the ongoing battle with the Heavens. Particularly his arch-nemesis.”

“Awww,” Todd said in a valley girl voice. “He build a cage all for Jakey? How fucking sweet of him.”

Eligor shook her head. “Not Jacob,” she explained. “Azazel built it to hold the Archangel responsible for capturing him and chaining him up for so many years.”

“Raphael,” I confirmed.

“Speaking of Raphey boy, I wonder how he’s doing,” Todd pondered aloud. “I’ve been sending him all sorts of crank calls while we’ve been down here, but he’s not answering. Usually he at least acknowledges my jokes, even if he hates ‘em. I had some serious comedy gold in my last slew of messages. I figured asking for ‘Mel Lester’ and ‘Eta Dick’ would have gotten some sort of response from the ‘ol fuddy-duddy.”

“Uhg,” Eligor sighed and rolled her eyes. “Is the imp always this juvenile?”

“You say ‘juvenile,’ I say ‘comedic god,’” the imp shot back. “But different strokes for different folks, I guess.”

“Anyways,” the blonde knight sighed, “the prison Azazel built only has one key, the one he forged from steel and threw into the Lake of Fire.”

“The Unhallowed Sword,” Sia finished.

“It’s the only thing in this universe that can cut through the bars on that cage,” Eligor confirmed. “Azazel designed the prison to be impenetrable, but even he realized it would be unwise to build an entirely inescapable trap.”

“Then we needed the Unhallowed Sword, like, yesterday,” Ira exclaimed. “Where is it?”

“Exactly where it was forged,” the blonde knight confirmed. “It’s in the Lake of Fire.”

There was a long, deafening silence as the four of us all took in the situation at hand.

“ … And?” Todd finally asked curiously. “I’ve seen enough fantasy movies to know that there’s a catch. It’s located in the Lake of Fire, and … ”

Eligor took a deep sigh. “It’s located in the Lake of Fire, but I don’t know exactly where,” she admitted. “However, I do think I know somebody who might.”

Todd crossed his tiny arms across his chest and stared down the blonde knight. “Aaaaaannnnddd?” he asked again.

The blonde woman’s smile quickly turned into a frown. “And it may or may not be protected by a powerful guardian,” she continued. “We can’t know for sure until we have more information.”

“So, just to confirm,” Todd chuckled, “we’re headed toward the Lake of Fire, to collect a sword that will give us the ability to free Invidia, and we may or may not have to slay another massive creature to get it?”

Eligor hesitated, and then she nodded slowly.

“That’s fucking badass!” Todd exclaimed. “Maybe the Toddster should have come down here sooner. I totally feel like Samwise.”

“Don’t you mean Frodo?” I tried to correct the imp, but he shook his head.

“Frodo didn’t do shit, Jakey,” he explained. “Samwise was the backbone of the entire quest.”

The woman in the skimpy armor chuckled. “We will begin our journey tomorrow, my friends,” she announced. “For now, I suggest you four go and get some rest. I have a few cots and blankets in the bunker room. I’ll let you guys crash there for the night, and then tomorrow we can start the first step of our new journey.”

Chapter 5

“Bro, this is just like all the medieval fantasy novels I’ve read,” Todd explained as we made our way over to the stairs of the bunker. “Make sure you hold onto your armor, because we’re probably gonna have to slay a dragon or some shit like that.”

“After watching how it saved my ass back in the tournament, I wouldn’t dream of letting this stuff go,” I chuckled and patted the breastplate of my protective covering. “This thick piece of metal could easily be the difference between life and death on this adventure.”

“Not to mention, it makes you look like a badass warrior,” Ira purred. “It’s really hot.”

“What the hell did I look like to you before?” I asked coyly and watched the succubus’ face contort into an expression of surprise.

As Ira stumbled over her words and tried to answer, Sia looked at us smugly. “You’ve always looked badass and sexy, Jacob,” she explained, “but before, it was more of a ‘modern chic’ sort of thing. In your suit of armor, you look much more regal and classy, like the warriors of old.”

“Good save, Sia,” I chuckled. “Good save.”

We finally came to a stop underneath a section of the bunker roof that had been carved out to make a pull-down attic door. Although Eligor’s house itself looked like it was twenty feet tall, the ceilings were only a few feet larger than your typical structure. There had to be a second story.

“This is you guys,” the knight explained as she used her elemental powers to raise up the ground beneath her and grab onto the string that hung above us.

Once she had a firm grasp on the small piece of rope, the fallen angel lowered herself back down to the floor. She gave the string a light tug, and the square in the ceiling popped open. A large, wooden ladder unfolded from the darkness, and its rungs hit the ground beside me with an echoing crash.

“After you.” I nodded to the ladder as I addressed the succubi.

“You just want to stare at our asses, don’t you?” Ira giggled coyly.

“What’s there to stare at?” I asked innocently. “You’re still completely decked out in your armor.”

“Superbia isn’t,” Ira observed as she placed her hands on the first few rungs. “And my ‘armor’ is going to be coming off in a few minutes here. Hopefully you’ll still be awake to help take it off.”

“Uh, Eligor?” Todd asked with a twinge of fear. “Can I chill out down here with you for awhile? I’ve been around the girls long enough to know when they’re giving me a hint.”

The blonde knight shrugged. “I don’t see why not,” she admitted. “Just promise me you won’t talk too much.”

“You know damn well I can’t promise that,” the imp admitted. “But I’ll try it just for you, Goldilocks.”

Eligor shook her head and turned back to me.

“I’d assumed you guys were going to make the connection once I left you alone,” she explained. “I figured it would be all four of you, not just Mr. Ralston and his succubi.”

Todd’s face stretched into a look of absolute terror. “Where do we even begin with this one?” he sighed. “First off, the Toddster is saving himself for his favorite redhead back in Kansas. Secondly, demon chicks don’t do it for me. They never have, and now that I’m in this temple of a body, they really don’t. Last, but not least, ewwwwww. Are you familiar with the concept of ‘no homo?’”

Eligor tilted her head to the side. “I’m not one to judge,” she explained, “but no, I’m not.”

“Let me explain this wonderful phrase to you, Goldilocks,” Todd muttered as he placed his arm around her leg and began to lead her away from the group. “It all started back in the summer of ninety-seven, when my padre sent me to summer camp for the month … ”

Eligor and the imp moved out of earshot, and I turned to face the succubi.

“Well, was Todd right?” I asked suggestively.

“He sure as fuck was,” Ira cackled and began to ascend the ladder. “Last one to the bedroom does all the work!”

The Sister of Wrath shot up into the second story in a flash, and Sia stared at the ground bashfully while she made circles with her feet.

I raised my eyebrow curiously at the redhead and then walked over and put my arm around her tiny shoulder. “You alright?” I asked. “You seem a little overwhelmed by all of this.”

“What, by Eligor?” Sia finally answered with a scoff. “Nonsense. I’ve been dealing with that woman for thousands of years. There’s nothing she could possibly do to rattle me.”

“Then why do you look so nervous?” I questioned.

Sia’s face grew red, and she looked back down at the ground. “It’s just … I’ve never … ” the Sister of Pride stumbled over her words. “I’ve only ever been with Liby and Cupi. I’ve never shared you with anyone else, and I’ve never made love with Ira. Her tastes were always a bit too … over the top for me.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the succubus’ words. “That’s what you’re afraid of?” I asked. “Sleeping with Ira?”

“Yohoooooooo!” the Sister of Wrath’s voice rang out from above as she poked her head out of the attic door. “You guys better hurry up, or I might just get started without you.”

The dark-haired woman disappeared from our view, and I could hear her footsteps echoing across the second floor. I turned my attention back to the madame and pulled her in close.

“There’s nothing to be worried about,” I reassured Sia. “Ira and I have already agreed we’re gonna hold off on the more crazy shit she likes to do in bed. I’m sure she’ll do the same for you. She’s a little rough, but trust me, Sia, it feels all the more amazing.”

“I guess there’s no harm in trying,” the madame finally said and looked up at me with a smile. “Just as long as she doesn’t bring out the hot wax. Or the leather zipper suits. Or the ball gags.”

“I promise she won’t,” I chuckled and motioned for Sia to get onto the ladder. “Even though I’m pretty sure that’s the more tame stuff of the shit she does.”

Sia walked over to the ladder, hoisted herself up, and began to climb. I was right behind the tiny redhead, and I couldn’t help but stare at her ass as we ascended. Unlike the rest of us, the succubus was still in her modern-day attire. She wore a tight red sundress that cinched around her waist and came down to her slender knees.

More importantly, she wasn’t wearing any panties, and I could see everything. Sia’s toned ass swayed back and forth with each step she took on the ladder. Meanwhile, the succubus’ tender slit was on display on her front, and my heart raced at the thought of being inside of her.

I’d had sex with Sia more times than any other succubus aside from Libidine and Cupi, and it was always incredible. Despite her somewhat serious nature and her prowess as a manager, Sia was a ridiculously tender lover. It was going to be interesting to see how she and Ira were going to interact. It was gonna be like polar opposites, and the old saying always said opposites attract.

When we finally reached the top of the ladder, we saw the second floor was just as barren as the first. There was a medium-sized black couch against the far wall and four small, human-sized cots that had been spread out around the room. A small bookshelf was pressed against the closest part of the dwelling, and it was filled to the brim with what appeared to be all sorts of contraband from Earth Realm.

I’d have to take a closer look at it when we were all done.

“There’s no real bed,” Ira sighed from across the room. “I guess we’ll just have to make the couch work.”

“That’s not a problem for Jacob,” Sia said with a giggle. “There was one time where he created a platform with his Hellfire magic for us to make love on.”

“What can I say?” I responded playfully. “I won’t be denied my women, even in the middle of the desert.”

“What about in the middle of a bunker?” Ira smiled widely as Sia and I approached. Then the dark-haired woman removed her chainmail armor and helmet and tossed it nonchalantly to the side.

I completely ignored the succubus’ words and instead wrapped my arm around her toned waist, pulled her in close, and pressed my lips against hers. Ira slid her tongue into my mouth, and the two of us began to make out passionately. At the same time, I felt a slight tug on my back, and the breastplate of the armor suddenly fell to the ground.

“This is a lot more difficult,” the redheaded madame chuckled. “It’s almost like opening up a can of sardines.”

Ira pulled back for a second. “More like a can of sausages,” she said with a grin. “Thick, juicy sausages that just explode in your mouth every time you take a bite.”

The next thing I knew, all of my armor was off, and Sia’s hands were exploring my body lovingly. As we continued to make out, Ira began to slide her baggy peasant clothes off herself. The shirt came off first, and the succubus’ large, perky, naked breasts were pressed against my body. Ira’s thick pink nipples stood at attention, practically begging to be pleasured. As the Sister of Wrath removed her pants and revealed her shaved mound, Sia’s fingers wandered into my waistband.

The redhead’s petite hand wrapped around the base of my cock and began to stroke it tenderly. “You know,” Sia cooed into my ear. “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of doing this.”

“Why would you?” Ira giggled as she put her hands on her hips and waggled them back and forth. “Jacob’s got a monster cock. I seriously want that thing to rip open every orifice in my body.”

The second the words left her lips, my cock grew to new levels of hardness. “That can be arranged,” I promised the succubus with a wink. “In fact, why don’t we start with your mouth?”

Ira grinned and got down on her knees. Meanwhile, I heard Sia let out a surprised gasp.

The succubus madame wasn’t used to this kind of foreplay. Normally, we just took it slow and let our own bodies to the talking. With Ira, however, we liked to order each other around, it was part of the whole ‘dom and sub’ thing.

Sia slid down my brown pants from behind, and my cock rocketed out so fast it nearly hit Ira in the face. The dark-haired succubus didn’t mind, she just closed her eyes as she grabbed my dick and started to rub it all over her face, making sure to slow down when she reached her soft lips.

The redhead behind me started to sensually kiss the back of my neck, and I let out a groan of pleasure to let her know she was doing a good job.

The next thing I knew, Ira went for the gold. In a singular motion, she opened up her mouth, shoved it forward, and forced my entire erection down her throat. The succubus made a gagging noise as her eyes began to water, but then she reached up, squeezed my balls with her right hand, and began to go to town. Ira kept making sloppy, wet noises as she moved her lips rapidly up and down my dick.

Every time I felt myself hit the back of her throat, I had to hold back my orgasm. She was really, really fucking good at this. It also didn’t help that Sia had now removed my shirt, and I could feel her petite, naked body pressed up against my own from behind. The redhead was soft and warm, and her tiny nipples were erect against my back.

I reached back behind me and ran my hands along the small of Sia’s back. Despite her tiny stature, the succubus madame had a very well-formed ass. My fingers traveled along the dimple at its top and then lingered up and down the perfectly-toned rear.

I looked down at Ira, and the succubus was practically begging for more attention. She locked her violet eyes with my own, and she was making all sorts of sounds with her mouth as she ran her lips and tongue hungrily along my shaft.

“Ohhh Superbiaaaaaa,” the Sister of Wrath giggled as she pulled back. “I think you need to get in here and get a taste, too.”

“I thought you’d never ask,” the redhead cooed.

Sia strutted over so she could be beside her Sister, and I took in the full glory of her body. She was tiny, yes, but her perfectly perky breasts, toned ass, and adorable face made up for what she lacked in thickness. The redhead fell down onto her knees happily and looked over at the Sister of Wrath.

Ira still had my erection in her hand, and she offered it up to the madame. Sia smiled, looked up at me with her violet eyes, and then slid her lips happily over the head of my cock.

I let out an intense moan of pleasure as Sia went down on my dick with her mouth. Ira assisted the entire time, as well. She would occasionally hop in and run her tongue along the exposed part of my shaft or against my balls, but she let Sia handle it for the most part. At one point, Ira placed her hands on the back of the madame’s head and forced her down onto my dick as far as she could go.

It took every ounce of willpower I had to keep from bursting right then and there.

I ran my hands through Sia’s ruby-red locks as she continued to make intense motions with her lips. Then I tightened my grip on the succubus’ hair as my muscles began to tighten in my abdomen.

Finally, at the last minute, Ira pulled Sia’s head away. “We can’t let him finish this quickly, can we?” she cooed. “We haven’t even gotten to the good stuff yet.”

Ira stood up and motioned for Sia to do the same. Then the two naked succubi strutted across the room, and my eyes darted back and forth between their tight asses as they walked. Ira laid down on the couch, face-up, and spread her legs wide.

Sia must have gotten the message, because she instantly joined the Sister of Wrath on the sofa. The madame bent down, buried her face into Ira’s pussy, and went to town, making sure to arch her back so her goods were on display for me to see.

Ira moaned in ecstacy as the redhead licked at her pussy, but then she motioned for me to join them.

As if I needed an invitation.

I walked over, got onto my knees behind Superbia, and gently slid myself inside of her. The succubus let out a small gasp of surprise when she felt my rock-hard dick, but she didn’t let it interrupt her current task. I pumped in and out of the redhead, slowly, while she continued to pleasure our friend. Her tiny yet full ass bounced with each thrust, and I noticed Ira was now biting her bottom lip as she used her hand to force Sia down harder.

All three of us were letting out groans of pleasure, and I could tell our orgasms were going to be intense. I began to speed up my thrusts, and the petite redhead in front of me began to tense her body like it was a spring preparing to uncoil.

Superbia’s muffled groans grew louder and more rapid, until it sounded like she was on the verge of orgasm. Ira recognized the sound, and she pulled up the Sister of Pride’s head so we could both hear her crescendo of pleasure in all its glory. Sia’s body went rigid, and she let out one of the largest groans I’d ever heard. Her pussy quivered around my dick as she came, and I continued my pace until she was completely done. Finally, she collapsed down onto Ira’s stomach, exhausted.

“That was incredible,” the madame panted as she looked up at Ira. “I didn’t know I had it in me.”

“Oh, you’re not done yet.” Ira grinned back. “Now it’s my turn.”

I slid myself out of Sia and sat back on the couch. Both of the succubi stood up on their knees and scooted over so they were next to me.

Ira’s eyes grew hungry as she pushed past her Sister and positioned herself over my erection. Then the dark-haired woman slid herself down onto my cock forcefully, and I let out a tiny yelp of surprise. It didn’t hurt, but I knew full well all the things that could have gone wrong with that little move.

And that was exactly why Ira loved it.

Ira began to move up and down on my cock as quickly as she could, and I could hear the sound of our skin slapping together as she did so. She leaned backward so I could take in her body in all of its glory.

At the same time, I saw Sia’s hands begin to rub at Ira’s slender figure lovingly as the madame kissed her neck. The redhead ran her hands across each of Ira’s nipples tenderly, making sure to give them a rough squeeze, before one of them wandered down to her clitorus. Superbia continued to suck on Ira’s neck passionately as she pleasured her Sister.

I felt myself reaching the brink, but I wanted to make sure Ira got to finish, too. I tensed up my lower body and started to move my hips in unison with Ira’s motions.

The Sister of Wrath’s eyes rolled back in her head in response, and she started to gasp and moan intently. We continued this dance of love for a while, but then Ira’s gasps got closer and closer together. She threw her arms around my torso and pulled me in close against her body as she trembled and moaned intensely.

This was it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt the coil in my lower body unwind and filled the succubus with my warm seed.

When we had both finished our orgasms, Ira pulled back and looked me deep in the eyes. Sia appeared over her shoulder, and the three of us took turns kissing passionately while the other one explored each other’s bodies with their hands.

Finally, we collapsed onto the couch. The two succubi snuggled against my bare torso, and I covered them with a blanket that had been lying on the floor. Within minutes, I passed out.

The next thing I remembered was waking up to the strangest sound I’d ever heard. Through the large, concrete walls of the bunker, I could hear a muffled screeching of bats. However, it wasn’t your typical ear-shattering supersonic sounds, but rather a chorus of musical screeches that almost sounded like a singing bird.

Hell was a strange place.

I glanced at the clock on Eligor’s wall and read the time. It was a little passed six a.m.

Ira and Sia must have already gotten up, because they were nowhere to be found, and the loft door had been lowered.

Meanwhile, Todd was snoring loudly on a miniature cot a few feet away from the couch. The imp’s body was completely covered by a ratty blue blanket, and it rose and fell with each breath he took.

I stood up, got dressed quickly, and then walked over to the cot. I poked at the imp’s rising stomach for a moment until he began to stir.

“Time to get up, sunshine,” I joked. “We’ve got a long day ahead of us.”

The imp rolled over slowly, but he couldn’t stop himself from going over the edge of the cot. He smashed into the ground with a loud crash and immediately bolted to his feet. Todd threw up his fists and shook them like an old-timey boxer as he looked around in panic.

“Who dares disturb the Toddster’s slumber?” he demanded as his eyes darted around the room. “Everybody knows I’m cranky as fuck if I don’t get my required twelve hours.”

“Twelve hours, huh?” I joked. “That number seems waaaayy too small, if you ask me.”

Todd looked over at me, and then his guard instantly went down. “Jakey!” he exclaimed as he ran over and hugged my leg. “I’m so happy you’re awake. The girls both said you were sleeping like you were dead. For awhile there, I thought Crazy Eyes fucked you into a coma!”

“You saw Ira and Sia?” I asked curiously. “Did they go downstairs?”

Todd just shrugged. “Probably,” he admitted. “They came down a few hours ago, woke me up, and told me it was safe for me to go to bed now.”

“Where the hell were you sleeping?” I asked curiously.

“On the desk, bro,” Todd sighed as he shook his entire body to work out the kinks. “It actually wasn’t too bad. I got to lay there in front of the big screens and watch the everyday lives of people in Hell. It was almost like watching a nature documentary, only with a lot more torture, mindless violence, and sadism. Actually, on second thought, it’d probably be right at home on most cable TV networks nowadays … ”

“So they’ve been down there for hours?” I said with disbelief in my voice. “I would have figured they’d have woken me up.”

“You’re a growing boy, Jakey,” Todd giggled. “You need your sleep, especially after killing birdbrain and hooking up with two demon-ladies.”

I stretched out my arms above my head and felt a satisfying pop. Instantly, the tension that’d filled my shoulders and lower body evaporated, and I let out a long sigh of relief. Todd was right, sleeping with Ira was always an experience that called for recuperation.

As Todd and I headed down the attic ladder, I wondered what on Earth the succubi and Eligor could have been doing for all this time. Sia and the golden-haired knight weren’t exactly the best of friends, after all, and I couldn’t imagine the two of them chatting it up for hours on end while I snoozed. The second I stepped off the ladder, I smelled something familiar. It was a smokey, savory aroma, and my stomach growled loudly at the scent.

“Holy shit, is that bacon I smell?” Todd gasped.

Before I could answer, the imp leapt off the rung he was standing on and landed on the back of my head. The impact threw me off balance just a twinge, but I caught myself as Todd hung his legs down over my shoulders.

“Giddy-yup, Jakey!” he cackled. “There’s an ‘ol wagon train I gotta catch by sundown.”

“Yeehaw,” I chuckled with an eye roll, and then I walked toward the source of the aroma.

Eligor was over at the far end of the bunker, working at a camp stove. She had a cast iron skillet in one hand and a small wooden spoon in the other. There was some sort of meat in the skillet that was cut into long, thick strips, and it crackled and popped delightfully as it fried under the heat of its own grease.

Ira and Sia were both sitting at a tiny camping table, playing cards as they awaited their breakfast.

“Straight. Flush.” Ira grinned as she laid out her cards on the table.

Sia’s face contorted into a frown. “Well damn,” she sighed. “The only thing that can beat that is a Royal Flush … ”

Ira sat back in her chair, crossed her arms, and narrowed her eyes at her Sister. “Don’t you dare say it … ” she warned.

A smile drew up Superbia’s thin lips. Then she shot Ira a playful glare as she laid down her cards to reveal a hand of a ten, Jack, Queen, King, and Ace of Hearts.

Ira’s mouth fell agape as she leaned forward in her chair. “How … what … are you cheating?” she gasped. “You’ve won like, eighty percent of the hands!”

The redheaded succubus shrugged and collected her cards. “I guess I just have a really good poker face,” she explained.

“I’m a freaking politician!” Ira exclaimed. “I can lie with the best of them!”

“Now now, Ira,” Sia clicked her tongue. “Don’t feel too discouraged. I’ve been playing the political game since the Fall of Lucifer. American politics are nothing compared to the kind of things I’ve had to deal with over the years.”

“That reminds me,” Ira said, her tone now changing to one of a calm, professional person. “There was supposed to be a vote today. Representative Hoggins was planning on filibustering for hours so it would never see the floor.”

“That sounds awful,” I admitted as I approached the succubi.

“No, no,” Ira sighed. “It would have been marvelous. Watching all the other politicians grow bored and retreat deep into the depths of their own imagination, just to descend slowly into madness? I’m getting wet just thinking about it.”

“I can’t think of a better match made in heaven,” Todd snickered. “The Sister of Wrath, lover of torture and sadism … and politics.”

“I know.” Ira frowned. “And I’m missing all of it.”

“We don’t have much in the way of politics here, I’m afraid,” Eligor finally spoke up from the stove. “There’s the hierarchy that’s based on Lucifer’s Great Chain of Being, but in the end, it’s his way or the highway.”

“But you’re acting as a double agent for Lilith … ” I explained rhetorically. “That’s some next-level political thriller kind of stuff.”

“Exactly.” The blonde knight smiled. “Maybe I should rephrase that sentiment. There aren’t a lot of politics here in Hell on display for all to see. Now, backstabbing and espionage? That happens all the time, and Lucifer absolutely loves it.”

“Sooooo, exactly like Earth politics,” Todd chuckled.

“We don’t pretend to be genial.” Eligor shrugged. “The fact that we all hate each other and want to see each other suffer is completely out in the open.”

“Maybe things would be easier on Earth Realm if everyone acted that way,” Ira scoffed. “It’d certainly eliminate a lot of the pomp and circumstance that surrounds everything we do.”

“Uh … should I be worried one of our elected representatives wants Earth to be more like Hell?” I asked coyly.

“Why, Mr. Ralston,” Ira said in the most professional, sarcastic, condescending tone she could come up with, “I simply want more transparency in Washington. Isn’t that what all the American people want?”

“Well played, Ira,” I chuckled, “well played. Speaking of which, have you guys just been down here playing cards this whole time?”

“There’s not much else to do,” Sia grumbled. “Eligor wanted to make us all breakfast, but she decided she wasn’t going to need our assistance.”

The blonde knight spun around and waggled her wooden spoon at Sia. “It’s bacon and eggs!” she argued. “It doesn’t take more than one person to make bacon and eggs.”

Sia just rolled her eyes and ignored Eligor’s words. “So, since she didn’t need our help, we decided to entertain ourselves with a friendly game of cards,” she continued.

“‘Friendly’ isn’t the word I’d use,” Ira laughed.

I felt Todd shift on the back of my head, place his feet flat against my shoulders, and stand up.

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls young and old,” he started in an old-timey circus voice. “Are you ready for the most amazing thing you’ll see in your lifetime?”

All three of the women just stared at the imp with curious expressions on their faces, and the imp cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Well, you’re in luck!” he continued. “Please give a round of applause for everyone’s favorite dashing, amazing, and well-endowed imp, Toddskovski the Death-Defying!”

The next thing I knew, Todd’s tiny form sprang off my shoulders. The imp tumbled through the air, opened up his body, and used his momentum to cartwheel across the floor. He finally came to a stop when he landed upright directly next to Eligor and the camping stove. The imp shook his woozy head, stumbled, and then leaned up casually against the concrete wall. Once he had settled his dizziness, he gave the knight a “‘sup” head nod.

“So, how about that grub?” he asked the knight as smoothly as he possibly could. “I’ve got a fever only grease-covered pork belly can satisfy.”

“Pork belly?” Eligor asked curiously. “Todd, there aren’t any pigs in Hell. At least, not the eating kind. Chort comes by every now and again to check in on his ‘favorite compadre,’ but he’s the closest thing to a hog I’ve seen in all my time down here.”

Todd crossed his tiny arms and rolled his eyes. “Chort,” he groaned. “What a fucking tool. Did you know he’s the reason my blog is losing readers?”

“I thought Chort was helping you?” I asked the imp. “You said the info he gave us helped get Tuesdays with the Toddster to the next level?”

“He did,” Todd growled. “And then he fucked me. He fucked me raw. That little Hornswaggle was just using me to test out his own content. Now, he’s got his own website, and it’s bleeding me dry!”

“Can’t you sue him for breach of contract?” Sia asked curiously.

Todd put his hands on his hips and gave the madame a dumbfounded look. “Contract?” he asked in shock.

“Yeesssss … ” Sia retorted. “You did have him sign a NDA, right? Those are usually done so this exact situation doesn’t occur.”

“Why would I have Chort sign up with the NBA?” he chuckled nervously. “He’s only four foot tall. He’d be lucky to have a spot on the High School Varsity Team, but the pros? Forget it!”

“No, Todd,” I facepalmed. “An NDA. Non-disclosure agreement.”

The imp’s brain processed my words for a moment, and then his mouth fell open in shock. “I never make any of my guests or employees sign shit,” Todd explained. “That’s a total violation of basic human liberties, bro.”

“So I take that as a ‘no?’” I continued.

“Todd,” Sia warned. “How many guests have you had on your show?”

The imp tapped his fingers against his chin as he did the mental math. “Uh … maybe like, fifty?” he finally concluded. “Why?”

“Are there any other paranormal blogs popping up around the internet?” Sia continued to lead the imp on.

“Now that you mention it, there have been quite a few recently,” he admitted. “Mostly having to do with imps and the mythology of Hell and oooohhhhhhhhh. Son of a bitch!”

“That’s why a succubus always makes sure her contract is air-tight,” Sia said proudly. “That way nobody tries to take advantage of us.”

“It couldn’t have been that air-tight,” I reminded the madame. “Cupi and Liby were able to get out of it, remember?”

A coy smile spread up Sia’s lips. “That’s only because I wanted them to,” she said through her grin. “If I recall correctly, I was the one who convinced Earl not to kill you then and there. Sure, I was mainly doing it to protect the girls, but none of you would have even known about the loophole if it wasn’t for me and my intricate legal knowledge.”

“Thank the lord for that,” I chuckled. “I don’t know what I’d do if I had to send those two back.”

“You wouldn’t be here,” the redhead shot back, “that’s for sure.”

Just then, Eligor walked over with a plate full of greasy bacon and plopped it down on the table in front of us. Todd scuttled over, pulled himself onto a stool, and then picked up the morsel in his hand.

“You said this wasn’t pig … ” he said curiously as he inspected the bacon in his hand. “So what the fuck is it? Please tell me it’s not vargrat.”

“Okay, it’s not vargrat,” Eligor retorted not-so-convincingly. “Just try it. You’ll love it.”

The imp sniffed the strip of bacon once more, held it up to his mouth, and slowly slid his tongue out and touched the food to its tip. His tongue snapped back into his mouth as he took in the different flavors with the smack of his lips. Finally, Todd’s eyes grew excited, and he reached down and picked up three more pieces.

“Goldilocks, I don’t care if this is sewer rat,” he chuckled. “It’s fucking delicious!”

Todd shoved all four strips into his mouth at once, chewed loudly, and then swallowed it down his gullet. As grease dribbled down his chin, his tiny hand shot out and scooped up a few more pieces.

“Hey now!” I exclaimed and reached for my own strip. “Leave some for the rest of us.”

“I’m sorry, bro,” Todd sighed. “I can’t help it. Whatever this is, it’s addicting.”

As I moved the warm, slippery bacon toward my mouth, a few dribbles of grease ran down my hand. Like Todd, I wasn’t sure what kind of game this was, but it certainly was much fattier than Earth swine. I took a bite out of the meat, and my mouth was instantly filled with ecstacy.

My eyes nearly rolled back in my head as I savored the crispy, fatty bacon. I devoured my strip in seconds and then instantly went back for more.

The two succubi had tossed their cards to the side, and they were also indulging. Ira and Sia both made loud “mhhmmms” of pleasure as they enjoyed the tender, crispy goodness of the breakfast food, and Todd had now stuffed his entire mouth full.

Meanwhile, Eligor was being much more civil with her dining. The blonde knight had a few strips of bacon on a plate in front of her, but she was cutting them delicately with a knife and fork and then using the utensils to raise the meat to her mouth. She then produced a napkin that she used to dab her face with after each bite.

I was sure we looked like savages to the fallen angel, using our hands and digging in like starving animals. But we’d been through literal Hell in the last day, and we hadn’t really had anything to eat aside from some sad ice cream back in the First Circle.

Todd let out an eardrum-shattering belch, plopped his ass down in his chair, and patted his belly like it was a drum. Meanwhile, Sia and Ira were both leaning back with expressions of regret splattered across their faces. My own stomach felt like it had been stuffed to the gills, and I could barely move.

Finally, Ira stood up and picked up a large handful of bacon.

“Whoa there, Crazy Eyes,” Todd protested. “Leave some for the rest of us! The Toddster is surely going to want eighths at some point.”

“I am saving enough for everyone,” the Sister or Wrath protested. “I was just going to ask if Jacob could send me back to Earth Realm. I’m sure our other Sisters are starving.”

“I thought you all packed plenty of snacks?” I somehow managed to squeak out in my cathartic state. “Cupi made sure there were plenty of chips and granola bars and bottles of water in the Jeep.”

“There were,” Superbia sighed. “That was before Tris decided to ‘light one up’ while we were waiting to be summoned. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman of her size go through six whole bags of chips by herself!”

Todd’s expression instantly changed into one of shock as he leapt up onto the stool. “She got into my Verde Loco?” he gasped. “That was supposed to be our celebratory joint when we all got back!”

“I don’t know what strain it was,” Sia admitted. “But it made her do some strange things … ”

“Hence why it’s literally called ‘Green Crazy,’” Todd explained with a sign. “It’s like you guys don’t even speak French.”

We all looked at the imp for a second, processing his words.

“Spanish,” I corrected. “Verde Loco is Spanish.”

“Pfffft,” Todd said with a wave of his hand. “That’s not right. Or, as they say in Spanish, ‘keine sorge, mein freund.’”

“That’s … that’s German,” I laughed.

“Then what’s ‘Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?’” Todd pondered curiously.

“That would be French,” I sighed. “Also a song from the early two-thousands.”

“I always wondered why they were speaking German in that movie … ” Todd reiterated, completely clueless. “It takes place in France, for crying out loud!”

“So … what do you think ‘carpe diem’ is?” Ira asked coyly, her arms still full of bacon.

Todd looked at the succubus as if she had just asked the dumbest question in the world. “It’s Latin,” he retorted. “Duh. I’m not an idiot.”

I couldn’t help but bury my head in my palm and sigh deeply. We could have continued this little Laurel and Hardy routine for hours, but there was still a lot of shit to get done.

“Who do you think should take Ira’s place?” I interrupted Todd’s shtick.

“I suppose it all depends on where we’re going next.” Sia shrugged and then turned to Eligor. “What’s the next step in your master plan, Eligor?”

The blonde knight took one last bite of her bacon, dabbed the grease off her chin, and then sat up straight. “I know the Unhallowed Sword is located somewhere in the Lake of Fire, but that’s a body of flames that spans for miles and miles,” she explained. “If we want to be as efficient as possible, we need an exact location. Luckily, I know somebody who can help.”

“Oh joy,” I joked. “Another ominous message.”

“I’m talking about Berith, the Chief Secretary of Hell,” the knight explained.

“How’s that for a resume builder?” Todd snickered and elbowed my ribs. “Oh yeah, I have plenty of experience working in an office role. I hated my boss though. I thought he was the devil.”

“Noooooooo,” we all groaned at the Dad joke.

“Thankfully, we’re in luck,” Eligor continued, completely unphased. “There is a festival in the Fourth Circle today, just beyond those mountains at the other side of the valley. Berith is one of the few demons who makes it a point to be there every single year, mainly because he never gets tired of telling the story of the Fall and his role in everything his master has done.”

“So we’re going headfirst into a festival that is going to be infested with demons from all over Hell?” I asked with a gulp.

Ira, Todd, Sia, and I all looked at each other.

“Cupi,” we said in unison.

The Sister of Greed was our best fighter, and she was going to be needed just in case any scuffle broke out.

“I would recommend bringing forth Gula or Libidine, as well,” Sia suggested. “There are going to be throngs of people, and she is excellent a crowd control. At the same time, Gula’s attacks are the strongest, and I’ve seen how her and Cupiditas work together as a team.”

“We’ll see when we get there,” I promised the madame. “But for now, let’s get everybody fed.”

I touched the tattoo of the whip on my arm, and a bright white light shot out and engulfed Ira. The Sister of Wrath’s figure disappeared inside of the spell, and she vanished before our very eyes.

“I’ll never get tired of that,” Todd admitted. “Totally looks like you’re banishing mofos to the Shadow Realm each time.”

“I mean, I am calling them into Hell,” I reminded the imp. “Is it really that different?”

I pressed down on the angel wings on my shoulder, and the blinding light returned once more. This time, the figure in its warm glow appeared to be much thinner, with short blonde locks.

It was Cupi.

The Sister of Greed looked around, and her expression grew curious as she took in her surroundings.

“Hey guys,” she said with a grin. “You’re really, really gonna have to catch me up on what I missed while I was gone. Tris said something about a knight and a tournament?”

“All in due time, Cupi,” I said with a nod. “Right now, we’ve got a festival to crash.”

Chapter 6

Eligor used her elemental powers to return her bunker back into the ground and then covered it with fresh-grown grass. The knight must have had an excellent handle on her magic, because once she was done, the spot looked precisely as it had when we’d first arrived.

She brushed her hands together nonchalantly, and then we were on our way.

“The Festival of the Dejected One,” Cupi whistled as we walked across the sprawling valley. “I’ve never actually been to one of those before. We succubi were always too busy with our own duties, not that Azazel would have let us go out and have fun anyways.”

“You’re not wrong,” Sia sighed. “I usually accompanied Azazel to this festival, but even then he would never let me leave his side. I was stuck doing whatever he wanted to do.”

“Sounds like a typical marriage,” Todd observed with a chuckle.

“You always were the Father of Warfare’s favorite,” Eligor prodded at Sia. “I wasn’t surprised when I’d heard the rest of the Circle of Sin had abandoned their posts, but you? I figured you’d stay with Azazel forever.”

“Hardly,” Superbia scoffed as she stared daggers at the knight. “I may have been his ‘favorite,’ and he may have granted me slightly more freedom than the rest of my Sisters, but I was still his slave. Everything I did, he forced me to do. You really think I wanted to come to Earth Realm and sit through a plethora of dull classes to earn an impractical piece of paper that said ‘MBA’ on it? Do you think I wanted to be in charge of managing my Sisters, the people in this world who I hold most dear? Watching them get used and tortured by their cruel master? Of course not. I did what I had to do to survive, and to ensure none of my Sisters stepped out of line and made a fatal mistake. So please, Eligor, spare me the talks about being Azazel’s ‘favorite.’”

“Yowzas!” Todd whistled. “I think I need a cigarette after that tongue lashing.”

Eligor’s expression turned to a frown, and she ignored Sia’s words as she continued ahead.

However, Superbia wasn’t done.

“Jacob has already shown he is ten times the man Azazel ever was, and then some,” she spat. “He’s a just leader, a kind soul, and a generous lover. I’d like to hear you say the same for your bosses.”

Eligor shook her head and clicked her tongue. “I guess it’s all in the eye of the beholder, isn’t it?” she said smugly. “That sounds so … boring to me.”

“Oh, you want a bad boy streak?” Todd interjected. “I’ll have you know Jacob fucking Ralston was the epitome of ‘bad’ in college. He had the jean jacket and the slicked back hair and everything.”

The imp shot me a wink, but I felt my entire face flush. I was a lot of things when I was younger. The epitome of badass was not one of them. But I couldn’t be too angry at the imp. He was just trying to be a good wingman.

“Thanks, Todd,” I muttered and then tried to steer the conversation back on track. “Why is it called the Festival of the Dejected One? I have never once heard of Lucifer going by that name.”

“It’s a jab at the Exalted One,” Cupi explained. “If you’ll remember from your history classes, the medieval period was defined by his worship. Literally, every single thing people did in those days was intertwined with the Exalted One. They had a damn festival or parade or celebration every single week. Obviously, Lucifer got annoyed by that shit, so he demanded the people of the Fourth Circle worship him in the same manner.”

“That’s metal as fuck,” Todd whistled. “Is it bad that I’m actually kinda excited to see this now?”

“It’s actually pretty nice,” Eligor admitted. “There’s lots of food, vendors, shows, and goods to check out. It’s basically like a giant Earth bazaar, but with a million better things. Of course, we’re not seeing anything if we don’t get over this mountain.”

The five of us had been walking for nearly an hour through the beautiful valley filled with lilacs and the occasional tree or two, until we finally reached the base of the mountain that sprawled up before us.

“Can’t we just fly over?” I asked curiously. “Most of us have wings or telekinesis.”

Eligor shook her head. “It would be too dangerous,” she warned. “You’d be fine for the first thousand feet or so, but then the winds get very, very harsh. We’d all get tossed around like ragdolls up there, probably right into the jagged cliffs.”

Todd squinted and looked up at the sprawling mountain. “Sooooo, no bueno?” he asked.

“No bueno,” I reiterated.

“Thankfully, we don’t need to climb,” Eligor offered. “You’ve got an elemental magic user with you.”

The blonde knight closed her eyes and concentrated. The lime-green Hellfire started out at her core before it spread casually across her arms and came to a stop in her open palms. The magical flames swirled around for a moment before two vibrant beams shot forth and struck the base of the mountain.

The spell spread across the rocky landscape like wildfire, and a faint rumbling began from deep within the formation. Then the ground beneath us trembled as a few small rocks from the mountain crashed down around our position.

I noticed a human-sized crack was now beginning to form in the mountain, and it grew wider and taller with each passing second. Finally, the crack was ripped open by the green flames, and before us stood a perfectly-shaped tunnel.

My mouth fell agape as I took in what I was seeing. I’d seen other magic users with elemental powers in action before, but never anything like this. What Eligor just did was fucking incredible.

Eligor lowered her hands, let out a sigh, and then looked at us with pride in her eyes. “Who wants to lead?” she asked. “It’s a pretty straightforward system.”

“Uh … ladies first?” I suggested and motioned for the succubi to go.

Sia and Cupi shrugged, and then they sauntered forward into the darkness. I saw one of them call red Hellfire into their hand to illuminate the tunnel, and they were getting further away by the minute.

Eligor was next, followed by Todd, and then finally, it was my turn.

Todd had summoned a tiny ball of red Hellfire into his hands, and the angle of the light caused our shadows to dance up the walls like shades in a funhouse mirror. Our footsteps echoed through the tunnel as we headed through the mountain, and I noticed the walls were glistening with a thin layer of clear liquid. For a moment it reminded me of the sludge-covered walls of Vermis’ lair and the labyrinth of caverns we’d run into back in the Third Circle.

Thankfully, I was pretty sure this was just groundwater, and not a giant devil worm’s excretion.

We ventured on for another hour or so, stopping occasionally for a short rest or swig of water, until we finally saw a literal light at the end of the tunnel. The five of us exited into the warm sun and brisk breeze as our eyes adjusted to the change in lighting.

As my irises narrowed and my vision became clear, I could see we’d popped out onto the edge of a large chunk of land with several fields, peasant dwellings, and a village and castle off in the distance.

“Now I really feel medieval,” I observed as I looked around at the scene in front of me. “This looks like it was ripped right out of one of my textbooks from high school.”

“It’s a noble estate,” Eligor explained as she lifted two glowing lime-colored hands into the air.

The fallen angel brought her hands together in front of her body, and the chasm in the side of the mountain began to seal with an earthy groan. In seconds flat, it was as if the human-sized hole had never existed.

Eligor wiped her hands together proudly and turned around to take in our shocked faces. “Don’t look so surprised,” she said coyly. “I’ve been perfecting my craft for years. What kind of a spy would I be if I went around Lucifer’s domain scattering clues everywhere I went? The Demon Kings of Hell might be egotistical, but they’re far from stupid. Even the slightest fuck-up could spell the end for this whole mission.”

“So, just hypothetically,” Todd asked nervously, “if someone were to say, leave their DNA in the locker room of the coliseum, that would be a bad thing?”

Eligor’s face contorted into a look of disgust. “It all depends what kind of DNA this person is talking about,” she admitted.

“Todd, please tell me you weren’t doing what I think you were doing,” I cringed.

Todd crossed his arms and looked at me with pure annoyance on his face. “Of course not, Jakey,” he scoffed. “I’d never dingle the fig in a men’s locker room. Jesus, what do you think I am, some sort of twisted freak?”

“Of course not,” I sighed, “I just thought--”

“I did leave a massive log in the shitter, though,” Todd interrupted. “I was just sitting there, doing my business, and then the next thing I knew the damn thing wouldn’t flush, bro! I tried again harder, but then the water just kept rising up, and I skedaddled out of there before anyone could pin it on me. Are we gonna get caught, Goldilocks?”

The imp looked over at Eligor with sheer terror in his eyes, but the knight only raised an eyebrow.

“He has those little nicknames for everybody,” I whispered. “Just go with it.”

“Uh … they surely could get a sample of your DNA from that,” she admitted, and Todd let out a flustered gasp. “But who would want to? I believe we’re safe for now. Just be more cautious the next time you... defecate.”

Todd stood up straight and saluted the knight. “Aye aye, captain,” he promised. “From now on, I’ll shit in the fields. It’ll be way safer that way, and I’ve always wondered what it’s like to wipe with a leaf. It’ll be like I’m one with my surroundings.”

Eligor was visibly disgusted, and she took a moment to recompose herself before she turned back toward the estate.

This noble estate was massive, but thankfully there were plenty of visual cues that pointed us in the right direction. For starters, there was the giant-ass castle that stood all the way at the back of the landscape.

That was pretty hard to miss.

Even if the huge visual magnet hadn’t been there, throngs of people were huddled together on a small road that led up a small hill and toward the distant village. That must have been where our festival was taking place, and where our oracle would be located.

“I guess we need to follow the lemmings,” Todd suggested.

The imp took a step toward the road, but I threw up a quick wall of purple to halt him in his tracks.

“Hold up, there, Todd,” I chuckled. “We want to look as inconspicuous as possible.”

The imp turned around and tilted his head curiously. Then, realization appeared to dawn on his face.

“Got it, Jakey,” he said as he shot me a finger gun. “Inconspicuous. Got it.”

The imp crinkled his face like he was trying to hold in gas. His tiny brow furrowed as he pursed his lips, closed his eyes, and allowed his entire body to shake. Then the skin on his upper lip began to bubble as if it were boiling, and a bunch of bristly-black hairs popped through his skin like disgusting play-doh noodles. When all was said and done, Todd was the proud owner of a large black mustache.

“There,” he huffed as he wiped his brow. “Now nobody will recognize us.”

“I was thinking more ‘human’ and less ‘imp,’” I admitted with a laugh. “Although I do like the mustache. It makes you look like a porn star.”

“Jakey?” Todd said thoughtfully. “That’s the greatest compliment you’ve ever given me. But I get it, more meatbag and less godly imp bod.”

Todd flexed to reiterate his point, and then his entire body began to bubble and contort. This time, his legs only grew about a foot longer than normal, and his stubby arms stretched into human-sized ones. As the imp grew taller, he also grew wider. Like, much wider. His horns retreated into his head, but only a small wreath of horseshoe-shaped black hair replaced them.

He may have been adorned in medieval-style clothing, but I instantly recognized the fat, balding, middle-aged man he’d turned into. It was Mr. Batson, our bastard of a landlord from back in Albuquerque.

“You likey?” the imp asked in the landlord’s gruff, blubbery voice. “I figured if anybody would blend into one of the Circles of Hell, it’d be this fat fucker.”

I grinned from ear to ear. “You have no idea how much that makes my day, bro.” The five of us smoothly slid into a small crowd on the road and did our best to blend in. Thankfully, I still wore my knight’s armor from the battle in the coliseum, so I fit right in.

Sia and Cupi had to borrow some period-appropriate clothing from Eligor, so they both were in loose-fitting full-body dresses. The garments were light brown, and each of the three women wore a dirty cream-colored scarves over their heads to further hide their identities.

“I really wish we had more options,” Sia whispered. “Brown isn’t my color. I’ve found if I have to wear clothing, I much prefer red.”

“It’s not mine either,” Cupi added. “I’d rather be wearing white right now. It matches my hair way better.”

“Well, unfortunately, neither of those would work in this Circle,” Eligor interjected. “White cloth gets beyond dirty thanks to the filth, and red was only worn by prostitutes in this ‘time period.’ That would be fitting for two succubi, but it’d also make us stand out like a sore thumb. Not to mention, all the unwanted attention from the men.”

“So. Many. Unwashed dicks.” Todd shuddered. “That’s gotta be ground zero for every STD in the book, bro.”

“We actually do bathe down here,” Eligor scoffed as we walked past a few peasant dwellings. “This whole ‘medieval’ thing is all just for show. The majority of the people in the Fourth Circle aren’t even from that time. Most of them are modern folk like you two.”

“Ehhhh, I dunno … ” Todd argued as he pointed to a man pushing a plow behind a zombified ox. “Does that look like an hombre who showers? He’s probably got cow shit in places he didn’t even know existed.”

We continued down the road for another mile or so, until we finally reached the entrance to the village. It was built exactly like Thea, with its ten-foot high wall around the perimeter and buildings made out of a variety of outdated materials. However, in this village, the sign bearing its name had been torn down and replaced with a banner that read The Festival of the Dejected One.

I couldn’t help but laugh at the banner. It looked like it had been thrown together with Wordart or Paint or some other simple graphic design program, and it was a far cry from the look of the rest of the village.

“I guess Hell’s not full of graphic designers,” Todd snickered and nudged my side.

“That is the understatement of the century,” Sia gagged. “It looks like a trained monkey threw it together. Actually, scratch that. That’s insulting to a trained monkey.”

“As much as I’d love to sit out here and admire Azazel’s font choices,” Cupi spoke up as she stepped toward the gate, “we’ve got a Secretary of Hell to find.”

“Finding him is the easy part,” Eligor explained. “It’s the getting him to talk that’s going to be the hard part.”

“You don’t think he’ll help us?” I asked curiously, but the knight shook her head somberly.

“Berith and I are on good terms,” she admitted, “but the Unhallowed Sword is one of Hell’s most powerful weapons. He’s not going to give up its location willingly. Lucifer would hold his head in the Lake of Fire itself just for divulging that information.”

We passed through the gates of the village and huddled up in a small alley, away from any bystanders or eavesdroppers.

“We need a plan, then,” I said as I racked my brain. “Anyone have any ideas?”

“Could we get him drunk?” Cupiditas suggested.

“Berith doesn’t drink,” Eligor explained. “He says it makes his head too foggy to do his duty.”

“Well, there goes my plan,” Todd said with a shrug. “I was gonna suggest we get him high as a kite. I know for a fact that the shit Slothy and I make can knock a demon on their ass.”

“That’s … that’s actually not a bad idea, Todd,” I admitted. “Do you have any of it with you?”

Todd crossed his flabby arms and laughed so hard his large belly jiggled. “Jakey, Jakey, Jakey,” he muttered. “This is the Toddster you’re talking about. I had Slothy sneak me a few doobies when she came down here last. If I didn’t have weed on me at all times, I would literally die.”

“Is that a thing that happens to mortals?” Eligor asked with surprise in her voice.

“It is for Todd Masterson,” the imp in disguise noted.

“But wait,” Cupi protested and shook her blonde locks, “if Berith refuses to touch alcohol, how the fuck are we going to get him to light up a doobie?”

“D-did Cupi just say the word ‘doobie?’” Todd asked, fake tears filling his eyes. “I’ve never been prouder, my bodacious blonde.”

“We don’t have to get him to light it up,” I explained. “We just have to get him to inhale the smoke. Contact buzzes are a thing, you know.”

“Please,” Todd scoffed. “That’s only a myth people cooked up to make people think weed was evil and shit.”

“I’ve lived with you for nearly ten years, Todd,” I laughed. “Trust me, you can get a contact high. It just takes a fuck ton of smoke to make it happen.”

“But who would be willing to intoxicate themselves enough to--” Eligor began.

Before she could even finish her sentence, Todd began to leap up and down in the air. “Pick me, bro!” he exclaimed. “After much deliberation, the Toddster has decided he’ll take one for the team.”

“Okay, so Todd has a joint on him,” Cupi continued, “but that’s not even close to enough to get a contact high. We’d need sooo much more to make this work.”

“It’s like you don’t even know me, Cupi,” Todd sighed. “You know that duffel bag in the car? The one Jakey always brings along on our adventures?”

“The one that’s supposed to have all of our emergency prep stuff?” I asked hopefully. “The bag that has maps, first aid kits, and the GPS?”

“Doesn’t ring a bell.” Todd shrugged. “I’m talkin’ about the black one with the white stripes all over it.”

“That’s our emergency bag,” I sighed.

“You’re damn right it’s our emergency bag,” the imp laughed. “Open only in case of extreme stress or uptightness. Anyways, that thing is full of reefer, already pre-rolled and ready to go.”

I rubbed my temple with frustration. “Let me get this straight … ” I began. “I’ve been driving around this whole time with a duffel bag full of weed in the hatch of my jeep? What if I had gotten pulled over?”

“Don’t be overdramatic, bro,” Todd said as he brushed off my comments. “You’re a badass demon slayer, you could handle a few human cops. Just have Lib go all mind control on ‘em, and you’d be good to go.”

“Speaking of Libidine,” Sia interjected, “I believe she should take my place for this mission. We’re going to need her abilities much more than we’ll need mine. Besides, I refuse to touch that heinous stuff of Todd’s, but Libidine will jump at the opportunity to try something new.”

“That’s why we love her,” I agreed with a nod. “So it’s settled. Sia will go back, grab the duffel bag, and give it to Liby. Then, we’ll bring her down here and get the plan into motion.”

Todd clapped his hands and rubbed them together devilishly.

“This is the mission of my dreams, bro,” he sighed fondly.

“Not that I don’t like this plan,” Cupi argued, “but why couldn’t we just lure him with one of our demon traps, capture Berith, and then beat the info out of him?”

“If we were on Earth, I’d be all over that plan,” I promised. “But down here, we need to be as discreet as possible. If we can keep him chatting for awhile and get him higher and higher over a period of time, he’ll spill the beans naturally. If we capture and torture Berith, then what? We’d probably have to kill him. You don’t think Lucifer is going to notice his Chief Secretary has gone missing?”

“He hasn’t noticed any of Azazel’s minions going away,” the blonde succubus countered. “Or Vermis, for that matter. But he will. If Lucifer is going to be on our trail anyway, then why not at least go all out?”

“But that’s the thing, Cupiditas,” Sia stepped in. “Lucifer cares not for Vermis or Malphas or any of Azazel’s other underlings. They’re all low-level demons who are replaceable. The second we start offing the high-level ones on the Great Chain of Being, we’re going to have the Prince of Darkness’ full attention.”

“Wait, Ozzy died?” Todd gasped.

“Lucifer, Todd,” I sighed. “She’s talking about Lucifer.”

“Oh thank God,” the imp said as he doubled over and clutched his chest. “I was afraid I was gonna have to ask Ira to call for a national day of mourning.”

“Superbia is right,” Eligor pointed out with a nod. “As much as Lilith would love to take out every single one of these egotistical Demon Lords, we can’t lose sight of our real target. Kill Azazel first, and then we’ll see where the dominoes fall.”

“I can’t believe we’re actually trying this,” Cupi groaned.

“Well, we are,” Eligor declared as she took command of the situation. “Jacob, get everything in order to summon the Sister of Lust. In the meantime, I’m going to go see if I can find our Secretary. I’ll go out, do some recon, and then come back here in an hour or so.”

“What should we do in the meantime?” I asked as the blonde knight walked away.

She stopped at the entrance of the alleyway, turned her head back, and smiled slyly.

“Enjoy the festival, of course,” she said. “It’s not everyday you get to be down here for one of Hell’s grandest celebrations.”

Then Eligor turned around, wrapped her scarf around her head, and ventured out into the crowd.

“Alright, Superbia.” I nodded to the petite redhead. “You ready to go back and tell everyone the plan?”

Sia nodded in return. “Of course,” she promised. “But one thing before I go. I know we said Libidine was the succubus for this mission, but would it be possible for you to bring the other girls down? I think it would be a nice little treat for them after everything we’ve been through so far.”

Cupi’s demeanor finally cracked, and a smile spread up her thin lips as she placed her hand on her Sister’s shoulder.

“This is why you’re the madame, Superbia,” she said lovingly. “And a damn good one, too. Even here, in the midst of the deadliest mission of our lives, all you care about is the happiness of your Sisters.”

A slight blush came to Sia’s face, and she looked down at the ground bashfully. “Thank you, Cupiditas,” she acknowledged. “Just … have a good time for me, okay?”

“Always,” Cupi promised with a wink.

“I’ll bring them here,” I added. “Eligor said she was going to be on recon for a whole hour. That gives us plenty of time for shenanigans.”

“Are they really shenanigans, though?” Todd asked. “Now that we’re down in Hell, we can’t do the whole ‘fish outta water’ thing. Unless … oh no, Jakey! We’re going to be the fish out of water in this situation!”

I patted Todd on the back and chuckled. “Yes we are, Todd,” I agreed. “The tables have turned. Now, let’s get you back, Sia.”

Even though I was wearing my armor from earlier, I had made a few adjustments. I still wore the breastplate, the pants, and the left sleeve, but I had modified the right arm so my entire arm was exposed between my shoulder and my wrist. We were gonna need all the help we could possibly get if we wanted to defeat Azazel, and my magical tattoos weren’t going to do us any good if they were covered.

I extended my left index finger toward the image of the glowing hand, and the joint of the gauntlet creaked. The brilliant silver of the armor was cold against my skin, but it activated the spell nonetheless.

A brilliant beam of light shot out of the tattoo, engulfed Sia in its warm embrace, and transported her back to Earth Realm.

“So, guys,” I addressed my two remaining friends. “What do you want to do next?”

“I saw a spice market part of the festival,” Cupi suggested. “Gula would be all over that.”

“Boooorrrrriiiinnnnngggg,” Todd said in a huff as he headed toward the sidewalk. “I’m going to watch the magician. I wonder if he’s gonna try to saw a woman in half!”

Before either of us could argue, the imp in disguise waddled out into the street, turned the corner, and disappeared from view.

Cupi and I were not far behind Todd, but we kept at our own pace. The sun was shining bright on this joyous day in the Fourth Circle, and there was a certain air to the village atmosphere that almost made it seem … pleasant. The two of us walked toward the spice market, hand-in-hand.

We stopped along the way to watch a lanky juggler and his oafish sidekick. The man was in a skin-tight green leotard as he balanced himself on one leg atop a skinny log. Much to the delight of the crowd, he was juggling three dead fish. Every now and then, his partner would try to toss something deadly into the rotation, but the juggler was somehow able to keep his momentum going without losing a hand. Before long, he had a circle of fish, lit torches, daggers, and even an angry baby vargrat spinning around him. He finally hopped off the stump, and the deadly items crashed to the ground as he stuck his landing. The juggler took a bow, and the crowd went wild.

“That was fun!” Cupiditas exclaimed. “I hope the next one’s just as good.”

“Who cares?” I asked rhetorically. “As long as he puts on a great show, I know I’ll be entertained!”

The smile faded from the succubus’ lips as her eyes grew serious.

“Jacob … ” she explained. “This is a competition.”

“So what?” I continued. “We have these kind of talent shows on Earth all the time.”

“I don’t think you understand,” Cupi sighed. “The reward for winning this competition is the chance to escape torture for a year.”

“What do you--”

“If you think Azazel is just going to let people in his Circle have fun without any repercussions, you were sorely mistaken,” she explained. “Everything you see here might look nice and happy and normal, but there’s always a catch. That’s how Hell works. Especially for a sadistic fuck like Azazel.”

Cupi’s word snapped me back to reality. Sure, we were sitting here watching a juggler in the middle of an old-timey celebration, but she was right. This was all a facade. Things were only the way they looked because that was how Azazel wanted them to be. If he changed his mind and wanted to revert back to the typical fire and brimstone look of the Fourth Circle, with all the horrific psychological and physical torture, he could.

This wasn’t a “fun” place, and I needed to remember that and keep moving forward.

I pulled the succubus away from the next performer, and we continued toward the spice market. We passed by a troupe of actors performing a play entitled The Expulsion of Lucifer, as well as a few vendors who tried to peddle their trinkets. The only one who actually caught our attention was a little old woman who claimed to make her own perfume.

It was mildly intriguing to see, but I immediately suggested we move on the second I saw one of the tiny oval bottles was labeled Vargrat Piss.

Cupi stepped close to me and wrapped her slender fingers inside of my own. Then she looked me deep in the eyes before she turned back to the bustle of the market and took a step in that direction.

Cupiditas had been with me since the beginning, but we surprisingly didn’t get much time alone. The Sister of Greed was almost always accompanied by Libidine, and the two were inseparable. But now, it was the blonde succubus and I, and it was a pleasant development.

Cupi must have read my mind, because she stopped in her tracks and looked down at my feet. “You’re probably wishing Libidine was here, aren’t you?” she questioned.

“I love all of my succubi,” I admitted to Cupi, “but no, not at all. In fact, I was just thinking about how the two of us never really get any alone time together. Aside from the first time we met, of course.”

“Even then, Liby was on the other side of the door listening to our every move,” the succubus giggled.

I put my hand against the blonde woman’s face tenderly. “Look, Cupi,” I explained. “I promised Sia I’d bring the rest of your Sisters to this place. Buuuutttt, the two of us could--”

Before I could even finish my sentence, Cupi leaned in and pressed her lips against mine. She pushed me back against the thatched wall of one of the houses as she forced her tongue down my throat, and we explored each others’ mouths passionately. If we hadn’t been standing right out in the middle of the public square, we probably would have started to make love right then and there.

“There!” a voice interrupted our passion. “It’s him, boss!”

Cupi and I pulled ourselves away from each other and turned to face whoever had decided to call us out.

There were two men standing about two-hundred feet away from us. They were both clad in armor with a deep red hue, armor that looked like it was two sizes too large. On their heads they wore equally red helmets complete with a large, curved black horn on each side. Around their waists they wore a golden ribbon tied to their body with a gaudy jeweled brooch.

“Oh, fuck,” Cupi growled and took a fighting stance. “This is not good.”

“Who are these guys, Cupi?” I asked as I summoned red Hellfire into my hands.

“Azazel’s Elite Guard,” she explained. “But even worse is the man they’re led by.”

“Who--” I started, but the ground began to quake before the words could come out.

Around the corner of a nearby building stepped out a massive, monster of a man. He wore plated armor full of jagged spikes that looked like they were made out of bone, and he had a fleshy-looking cape the same color as his armor and billowed behind him in the wind. His helmet was made of the same plated bony material, with two tiny eye slots and two massive horns that trailed back behind his head in a dragon-like manner. The monstrous demon held a torso-sized shield in his left hand and a sword nearly as big as his entire body in the right.

It was Zepar, the demon we’d killed back at the Velvet Lips.

“Jacob Ralston,” his voice boomed. “Azazel told me you were in Hell, but I didn’t expect to find you here.”

“You should know by now, Zepar,” I growled, “I’m full of surprises. I hope you brought backup, because I’m ten times stronger than the last time we met.”

“I’m glad you mentioned it,” the demon shot back.

Zepar raised his hand in the air, summoned green Hellfire, and slammed it into the ground. The second he did so, the spell shot across the dirt and opened a large portal. Twenty more guards stepped through and joined their leader at his side.

We were horrifically outnumbered.

Chapter 7

“How tough are these guys, Cupi?” I asked hopefully as Azazel’s Elite Guard began to approach.

“Very,” she sighed. “There’s a reason they have ‘elite’ in their name. They’re the best fighters in the Fourth Circle.”

“Funny,” I growled as I launched a handful of fireballs at the men, “I thought I killed the best fighters in the Fourth Circle back in Thea. This should be a fucking cakewalk.”

Even though my attack was right on target, the Elite Guards didn’t even flinch. The fireballs clanked into their armor, knocked them back a step, and then evaporated into thin air. They took a second to recompose themselves, and then they continued their charge.

“Maybe not,” I sighed. “Do you know if any magic works on them?”

“Their armor might be impenetrable to magical attacks, but it’s not completely impenetrable,” the succubus explained. “If we can find a way to pierce that armor, they’ll die just like any other demon bastard.”

“Then that’s exactly what I’m going to do,” I declared as I drew my sword from its sheath.

I summoned red Hellfire into my hand and ran it briefly over the blade. The dull silver of the weapon shimmered as it caught fire, and then I readied it at my side.

If I could fuck shit up with an enchanted dagger, I only imagined what I could do with an enchanted sword.

Intrigued by the approaching battle, a small crowd of villagers had now gathered just behind the guards. They all looked on with baited breath as they waited for one of us to make a move.

Our opponents struck first.

The first member of the Elite Guard came at me from the right. He let out a grunt of anger as he pulled back his sword and thrust it at my heart. Before the blade could make contact with my armor, I tossed out portal of green Hellfire in its trajectory. The tip of the weapon reappeared through a second emerald portal, directly in front of his armor’s face hole. There was a sickly squishing noise as his skull was impaled, and his eyes rolled back in his head as he collapsed to the ground.

The crowd let out a shocked gasp, but I didn’t have time to savor my victory.

Almost as soon as the first guard had fallen, a second attacker was on me. I parried his sword out of the way with my own, and then I blasted him at point-blank range with red Hellfire.

The attack didn’t do any damage, but the impact of the fireball was enough to repel the bastard out of my way. He smashed into a cart of jewelry and groaned as he tried to stand back to his feet.

Cupi had already engaged with another set of guards. The athletic succubus had set the package of perfumes on a nearby stump and was now using her polearm to fend off three of the armor-clad warriors. She knocked away their blows with the blunt end of her weapon before she stabbed it into the ground, jumped into the air, and used her momentum to spin around and kick the demons away.

I was never gonna get tired of that move. It was badass, clever, and sexy as fuck.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have much time to admire the Sister of Greed. There was a loud crash of metal on metal as a sword struck me in the back and sent me to the ground. I rolled out of the way just as the pointy end came down and struck the dirt where my face had been.

My attacker went to stomp on my exposed face, but I dispelled him with a quick flash of purple Hellfire. He screamed in pain as the impact of his boot on the magical barrier shot up his leg, and I used the opening to my advantage.

I took aim at the sliver of unarmored leg, where the bottom of his thigh piece and the top of his boot came together, and swung as hard as I could. There was a hiss of Hellfire as the blade passed through the meat and bone of his kneecap, and then the fucker’s entire lower leg flipped into the air like it’d just been bounced off a trampoline. I quickly knocked the new amputee away with a handful of yellow shuriken to his chest, and then I let out a grunt as I was pinned to the ground by a red boot.

“Dodge this, mortal,” the guard hissed and brought his sword down at my head.

I only had a split second to act, and I realized it was probably time to use my bronze Hellfire of judgement. I thought of all the injustices these fuckers committed in the name of Azazel, and the golden bronze flames lit up my hand instantly. I threw up both my open palms in front of my body and covered the incoming blade with the spell.

It struck me right in the neck, but it passed through harmlessly as if it were the sword of a ghost. The guard’s expression contorted into a look of horror, and he went to strike once more.

This time, I was ready.

I fired another shot of bronze flames at his breastplate and caused it to vibrate on a subatomic level. At the same time, I brought my own sword up, jabbed it through the magical chink in his armor, and skewered him from the side. Dark red blood stained my sword as I removed it from the fucker’s ribcage, and it oozed out from beneath his armor when I released my spell.

The guard grabbed his side, gasped, and fell over in what I assumed was shock.

I quickly flipped myself over to my hands and knees and then pulled myself to my feet. Three more guards were headed my way, and all I could do was sigh and ready myself for their assault. I threw down a wave of purple Hellfire and created a barrier parallel to the ground.

All three of the guards struck the violet flames, tripped over it, and fell to the ground.

Then I threw down a portal of green in front of the first guard, and his body disappeared through the emerald glow. I opened the second portal about three-hundred feet above our position, and I could hear his terrified scream as he plummeted to his death.

In the meantime, I had two more guards to deal with. I leapt into action as I brought my sword up above my head and slammed it down into the head of the second guard. My blow wasn’t fatal, but it was enough to force him back onto his stomach. I spun around and swung at the third guard, who was now back on his feet.

He blocked my attack with his own sword and immediately retaliated with his fist. My vision went blurry for a moment as his armored gauntlet smashed into my face, and I felt the metallic taste of my own blood as it filled my mouth. While I was disoriented, the guard lashed out again with his blade, but I was able to dispel it with a flash of purple.

My head was still spinning, but I noticed there was a large oaken barrel behind the guard. I quickly threw out my hand, surrounded the barrel with green Hellfire, and yanked it toward our position.

It struck my target in the back of the legs and forced him down to his knees. Without a moment’s hesitation, I ran over to the guard, placed my open palm against his face hole, and summoned yellow Hellfire into it. The member of the Elite Guard let out a yelp as I shot a dozen or so shuriken through his brain, but then he crumbled into a heap of lifeless flesh and steel.

Just then, the falling guard’s body smashed into the ground in front of us. His body was twisted in ways a human body should never be twisted, and his horrified screams were now replaced by a weak gurgle as he choked on his own blood.

“Heads up!” Cupi exclaimed from across the way.

The next thing I knew, the succubus launched her polearm like a javelin. The weapon swished past my head in a flash, and then I heard a fleshy squish as it connected with its target.

I spun around and saw another guard on his back, the polearm sticking out of his face. I walked over to his body, yanked the weapon out of his skull with a wet pop, and then weighed it in my hands.

“You dropped this,” I joked as I tossed the polearm back to Cupi. “You should try out for the olympics.”

“I wanted to in six-hundred B.C.,” she admitted and spun the weapon around her body. “But Azazel wouldn’t allow it, of course.”

“What a shame,” I laughed. “I think some backup is in order, don’t you?”

The blonde shrugged. “Superbia did ask that we bring all of my Sisters down here.”

This was the perfect time to summon up some backup, too. The guards who had hung back were all gathered around Zepar, planning their next attack.

If we wanted one of the other succubi, I was gonna have to act fast.

I reached up and touched the flaming battle axe tattoo on my arm. White light shot from my bicep and formed a luminous figure in front of us, a figure that was much shorter than any of the other succubi. Within seconds, Gula was standing there with her battle axe in hand.

“I hear you guys might need some help?” the curvy redhead said playfully.

Zepar let out a roar of frustration and raised his sword in front of his body. The remaining eleven guards all charged at once, swords at the ready.

“I’m glad you called me,” Gula admitted. “I was starting to get bored.”

Then the succubus let out her own battle cry as she charged forward, leapt up into the air, and brought her axe down into the ground. A massive shockwave of red Hellfire sprouted from the weapon and knocked all of the guards on their asses. Gula instantly twirled around and used her momentum to smash her axe against the head of the nearest guard.

His helmet saved him from decapitation, but the blow still caused his headpiece to cave in brutally. He was going to have a concussion, at the very least.

Cupi and I charged at the remaining guards, and we started to take them out in unison. The first one was easy, I just used my Hellfire of judgement on the fucker’s helmet, and Cupi’s spear stabbed through his skull effortlessly.

We got a tad more creative with the second guard. He was already trying to stand to his feet, so I opened up a green portal beneath his body. The bastard’s entire lower body fell through, and then reappeared above our position. He stabbed his sword into the ground to prevent himself from falling through completely, but we weren’t going to be denied such a cool kill.

Cupi leapt up into the air, wrapped her arms around the dangling legs, and pulled him through. I timed it just right, and I closed the portal around the exposed part of his neck just as it passed by. Cupi came away with a headless body, and the guard’s tongue flopped out of his mouth as his head fell over onto its side on the ground.

“Hurry up you guys!” Gula called out, and we turned to see her smash in another guard’s face.

Fourteen down, six to go.

“Are you actually killing them, Sister?” Cupi asked curiously.

“Does it matter?” I shot back. “They can’t exactly fight us if they’ve got a severe head injury.”

The remaining six guards all ran at us at once while Zepar stood back and watched with his arms crossed around his chest. Even though our magic couldn’t penetrate the Elite Guards’ armor, they weren’t as difficult to take out as Cupi had made it sound.

We’d fought plenty of demons who were “immune” to our attacks before. It was all about getting creative with our attacks.

I summoned forth bronze Hellfire into both of my palms and slammed them into the ground in front of me. The entire landscape began to vibrate violently, and a few foot-wide cracks began to form in the earth.

Two of the guards stepped onto the miniature chasm, and there was a disgusting wet snap as their feet twisted in unison. They both let out a scream of pain as they fell flat on their faces and grasped at their broken ankles.

There was a clash of metal on metal as Gula’s axe collided with two more guards’ swords. The Sister of Gluttony caught both blades in the crooks of her weapon, and then she shoved them both up into the air, spun around, and smashed the right guard in the side. His breastplate crumpled as he tumbled to the side and took out his partner.

Meanwhile, Cupi was spinning her polearm around so fast it looked like the blades of a helicopter.

Both of the remaining guards were watching the acrobatic display, waiting for an opportune time to strike. The first one jabbed his sword into the chaos, and it was flung across the landscape like a metal rocket.

Cupi used this opportunity to flip her polearm around and thrust the pointed end into the unarmed guard’s face. Her weapon was still stuck in the guard’s corpse when his partner attacked, and Cupi had to flip out of the way and leave the polearm behind. The dead guard fell to his knees, but the length of the polearm kept him upright like a sort of macabre museum display.

The last remaining guard let out a growl as he ran at the succubus, but Cupi was too fast. His blows kept raining down violently, intent on killing the blonde woman, but she kept dodging and tumbling out of the way of the attacks.

The two guards with the broken ankles were now back on their feet. One of them was leaning weakly against his sword, and the other was wobbling as he tried to advance. It would have been comical if it wasn’t so pathetic.

The least I could do was give them a quick death.

I reached out with my green Hellfire and engulfed the entire wall of a nearby building with its luminous glow. Then I yanked my hands to the side, and dozens of large chunks of brimstone flew off the building. The heavy, rock-like rubble smashed down into the two guards and took them out instantly.

One of the rocks crashed into the fucker’s broken ankle, and he was forced back to the ground. Immediately after, several more rocks fell down on top of him and buried him in a pile of deadly rubble.

The other guard, the one who was leaning against his sword, got a much less painful death. As he tried to hobble away from the incoming debris, a four foot wide rock hit him in the head and snapped his neck instantly.

Cupi and Gula were still engaging with the remaining Elite Guard, but now there was nobody standing between me and Zepar.

The mammoth of a demon cackled deeply as he took in the scene.

“You really have grown in strength, Ralston,” he mocked. “That’ll make it all the more satisfying when I separate your head from your shoulders.”

I tightened my grip on my sword, dug in my boots, and waited for Zepar to make his move. I was prepared for the demon to charge at me, to try and smash me with his shield or skewer me with his sword.

But nothing came.

Instead, he summoned green Hellfire into his hands and opened up a dozen portals behind him. Countless members of the Elite Guard began to enter through the portals, until there was nothing surrounding Zepar but red armor as far as the eye could see.

Two or three at a time we could handle, but fifty? We were gonna have to come up with a different tactic if we wanted to stand a chance.

“Guys!” I called out to my two succubi. “We need to go mobile!”

Gula knocked her opponent to the ground and then blasted him point-blank with her red Hellfire. His body made a crater in the Earth, and he groaned as he laid there, defeated.

A flash of purple started to appear from Gula’s back as her wings began to sprout.

“Don’t, Sister!” Cupi grunted as she swept the leg of her enemy.

Then the fit blonde succubus stabbed her blade into the face hole of the guard’s armor and finished him off.

“There are a lot of these guys,” I noted as I dispelled one of their swords. “If we stay here, we’ll be overwhelmed.”

“If we go airborne, they’ll be able to pick us off easier,” the succubus explained. “But we can run. We can use the crowd to our advantage!”

The three of us turned and bolted off into the festival, the Elite Guards in hot pursuit. We ran for a minute or two until we finally arrived at our original destination, the bazaar.

All around were tents full of knick-nacks, food, spices, and jewelry. People bustled throughout the marketplace, chatting with their friends and haggling over prices. It was a scene that looked like it was ripped straight out of an old globe-trotting adventure movie.

Actually, that gave me an idea.

“We use the environment,” I explained. “There’s a shit ton of stuff we can use here.”

I whipped my head around to see a villager speaking to one of the guards and pointing in our direction. We had to think fast.

Luckily, Cupi was already on it. As the wave of guards began to approach our position, the blonde succubus reached over and grabbed a handful of jewelry from a nearby vendor, much to his dismay. She hurled it up into the air, and the trinkets rained down on the marketplace like a blessing from the gods themselves.

There were gasps heard throughout the crowd before several of the villagers dashed over to try and scoop up as many diamonds and rubies as they possibly could. A few scuffles broke out, and the approaching guards were forced to defend themselves against the rabid peasants.

“Good thinking!” I exclaimed as we turned and pushed further into the market.

We ran past the food district and were halted by a group of guards who must have split off from the main group. The three of us whipped around and saw there were about a dozen more guards who had appeared behind us. We were trapped.

Devilish smiles spread across their faces as they approached our position, swords at the ready.

“Jacob!” Gula ordered and pointed to a nearby vendor. “I think I see a storm coming on.”

There, under the muted purples and reds of the tent fabric, sat a bunch of woven baskets filled to the brim with spices. I noted oregano, cloves, turmeric, cinnamon, and pepper.

Those would all do.

I threw out my right hand, summoned jade Hellfire to my palm, and shot it around the baskets. Then I lifted the baskets into the air and began to swirl them around us in a circular motion.

“Every storm needs an eye, Cupi,” I commanded the blonde.

The succubus nodded and then shot up a wave of blue freezing Hellfire all around herself, Gula, and me. At the same time, the spices started to spill from their baskets as I increased their momentum. Before we knew it, there was a miniature tornado of hot spices all around the marketplace.

I couldn’t see much through the manmade funnel, but I could hear the guards around us groan and sneeze as their senses were assaulted.

“Charge!” I yelled, and the three of us pushed forward.

The second the fuckers in front of us entered the eye of the storm, Gula lashed out with her battle axe and sent all of them flying up into the air.

We pushed through, and I released my spell on the baskets. The three of us came out of the storm directly into another large crowd that was gathered around a large stage.

The people were now staring curiously in our direction, but we didn’t have time to stop.

“Jakey!” I heard the voice of my landlord blubber excitedly. “You come to watch the show?”

I scanned the crowd for any sign of Todd, but I couldn’t see him anywhere.

“Up there,” Cupi sighed and pointed toward the stage.

Todd, still disguised as our old landlord, was up in front of the crowd with his head and hands locked into a set of stocks. In his wide body, the imp looked like an overly ripe tomato hanging onto its stem for dear life as he pulled at the stocks.

“Gula, go get him out of there,” I ordered. “Cupi and I can hold these assholes off for a little while.”

The Sister of Gluttony nodded and ran up to the stage to free Todd. Meanwhile, Cupi and I readied our weapons and prepared for the incoming assault.

The first wave of Elite Guards plowed through the fleeing crowd, stabbing and mutilating people as they advanced. If these fuckers worked for Azazel, they must have been just as twisted as the King of the Fourth Circle. The looks on their faces told me they were enjoying every second of this, and a feeling of white-hot disgust boiled up from the pit of my stomach.

I threw my hands out to the side and used my magic to grab a center pole of one of the tents. Even for a seasoned spellcaster like myself, this massive wooden beam was heavy as fuck. I released my spell with one hand and summoned forth yellow Hellfire of hatred. With a flick of my wrist, I then sent a handful of enchanted shuriken at the post. They struck the wood with a hefty thud, and my makeshift weapon was created.

Now, I had the magical equivalent of a two-by-four with nails in it. Only it was about twenty times bigger than that sort of weapon.

As soon as the guards were out of range of the civilians, I hurled the center post at them as hard as I could. The pole spun around like a twenty-foot-tall boomerang as it approached its target. Then there was a loud clank of crumpling metal as it collided with six of the guards, and they were launched through the sky violently.

The remaining guards continued to advance as I brought the deadly projectile back around, and it took out four more of the fuckers like they were nothing.

“Holy fuck, Jakey!” Todd suddenly gasped from my side. “You actually did it! The spinning beam of death I’ve always talked about!”

“You alright?” I asked the imp as I guided the weapon back into the incoming guards.

“Totally fine, bro,” he admitted. “I guess I was just heckling the dude too much. The jabroni didn’t even do a single good trick. What kind of a magician doesn’t do card tricks or disappearing acts? All he cared about was promoting Azazel and showing off his Hellfire powers. That shit’s weak sauce.”

“Glad to hear you’re okay,” I chuckled. “But we need to move before--”

Just as the words left my mouth, the center pole came to an abrupt stop. It now rested in the clawed, armored hands of Zepar. The demon closed his fist around the beam, and it shattered into a million splinters.

“Enough with these worthless grunts,” his booming voice growled. “I want to feel your soul as it exits your body under the heel of my boot.”

Without another word, Zepar drew his massive broadsword and smashed it against the front of his shield. The resulting shockwave knocked everyone in the immediate area, including us, back on our asses. With his opponents down, Zepar thundered across the landscape, intent on ending things once and for all.

Purple Hellfire shot from Cupi and Gula’s backs as their wings sprang forth, and they rocketed up into the air.

At the same time, Todd surrounded himself with black Hellfire, lifted his bulk into the sky, and zipped over to pick me up. I felt his chubby fingers wrap around my wrist, and he pulled me out of harm's way just as Zepar’s sword smashed into the ground.

“I know, I know,” Todd sighed. “You’re usually used to gettin’ picked up by hot chicks. If it’s any consolation, this body I’m in does have pretty large tits. They may be man-titties, but they’re titties nonetheless, bro.”

“Please stop,” I groaned. “The last thing I wanted to hear today was our landlord talking about his man-tits.”

“Incoming!” Gula exclaimed from across the way.

Todd gasped in shock and changed his trajectory hastily. Just as we dove downward, Zepar’s massive, spiked shield flew past us with a gust of wind that nearly knocked us out of the sky. After it missed, it was surrounded by a shimmer of green Hellfire and returned to Zepar’s hands.

“He definitely didn’t have that power the last time we fought,” I observed aloud.

“Well, we didn’t have a lot of our powers that last time we fought, either,” Todd added.

“You’re right,” I said with a sudden flash of epiphany. “He has no idea what we’re capable of. Get me in closer, Toddster.”

The imp let out a mischievous cackle as he swooped down toward the man in the badass armor. As we descended, I used my telekinetic fire to pick up another giant wooden log.

“Gula, lumberjack maneuver!” I called out to the redheaded succubus.

Then I yanked the log into the air and hurled it directly at the Sister of Gluttony.

With a mighty swing of her axe, the log was cut at a diagonal angle so it was now two large, deadly skewers.

I turned the massive spikes around in the air and launched them down onto Zepar’s position.

The armored demon raised his shield in the air, and the halves of the log stuck into it harmlessly. Then Zepar cut them away with a swipe of his sword and bared his teeth in a snarl.

“Did you really think I was going to fall for the same trick twice?” he sneered. “Zepar does not play games, mortal.”

While the demon was distracted, Todd and I had zipped around behind him on the battlefield. The imp dropped me off on the ground, and then he raised himself into the air and shot across the landscape toward Zepar.

“Too bad you don’t like games, bro,” Todd chuckled. “Because we’re about to play ‘pin the sword on the Zepar.’ You go first!”

Todd grabbed the edge of the demon’s cape and used his momentum to flip it over the fucker’s head.

As Zepar fumbled around to regain his eyesight, I nodded to the two succubi who hovered above him. Then all three of us darted toward the distracted demon as Todd laughed maniacally.

“Who turned out the lights, asshole?” he prodded.

“You annoying little fiend!” Zepar growled. “I’m going to pop your head off your body like a cork!”

“Ohhh, so you’re gonna squeeze until I pop off, huh?” Todd giggled. “Promise that you’ll at least buy me dinner first.”

Once we were in position, I blasted the exposed back of Zepar with a beam of bronze Hellfire and drew my sword. As his plated armor vibrated at a subatomic level, I pulled back my blade and stabbed it into his back.

At the same time, Cupi and Gula swung at him with their own attacks.

All three of the blows passed through the armor and landed against the weak flesh of the bastard.

Zepar howled in pain, spun around, and smashed into us with the blunt side of his shield.

A wave of pain reverberated through my body as I felt myself being tossed across the marketplace. I crashed through a couple of vendor carts and took out a few massive tent poles before my momentum skidded to a stop on the dirty ground. My entire body ached with white-hot pain, and for a minute I didn’t think I was going to be able to stand up on my own.

But I had to. We’d killed this asshole once before, and we could sure as fuck do it again.

Finally, I rolled over, forced myself to my knees, and stumbled into an upright position. Right in the nick of time, too.

Zepar’s spiked shield was hurtling directly at my head, and I quickly threw up a wall of protective purple flames to deflect it. The collision of the giant shield and the violet Hellfire was intense, and the shockwave of the impact shot across the marketplace and shattered several more carts and shelves.

The demon called his shield back into his hands, but Gula intercepted it in midair with a huge ball of fire before it could return. Zepar’s shield hit the ground, ricocheted off, and lodged itself into the brimstone of one of the nearby houses.

Gula then flew down and struck the demon in the helmet with her axe, but it did little damage.

Zepar’s armored hand shot up, grabbed Gula around the ankle, and whipped her into the nearest building. The redhead’s body smacked into the brimstone, and she fell to the ground, unconscious.

The demon moved on the succubus as Todd and Cupi both tried to stop him with their own spells of red, but nothing was working. He lifted his sword into the air, and I instinctively smacked the tattoo on my arm to call her back.

The white light rocketed across the bazaar, engulfed Gula, and returned her to Earth Realm just as Zepar’s blade came down on the ground where she laid.

Zepar turned around to face me when he saw what I had done, and then he let out a primal roar of anger as he lumbered forward.

I reached down for my sword and realized it was still lodged in the demon’s back. He was limping as he stomped across the ground, so at least it wasn’t a total loss.

Just then, a cloaked figure flew onto the scene and struck Zepar in the chest with their feet. As the demon’s momentum was halted, the figure backflipped through the air, caught themselves on their two massive black angel wings, and drew two swords. The hood of the cloak fell down to reveal a head of straw-blonde hair and the pointed features of our newfound friend, Eligor.

“Long time, no see, Zepar,” she mused.

“Eligorrrr,” he retorted with a growl. “It hasn’t been long enough.”

The demon swung his colossal weapon at the fallen angel with enough force to take down a concrete pillar. There was a loud clang as metal struck metal, and then we all let out a gasp of surprise.

Eligor was still floating in the exact same spot, and she had caught Zepar’s blade between her two swords as if it were nothing. The fallen angel let a massive grin spread across her face as she thrust her weapons upward and forced her opponent to stumble backward. Without missing a beat, the knight flew around to Zepar’s rear and slashed at Zepar’s legs.

The attack was enough to bring him to his knees, but he was still able to strike the blonde woman with a quick blast of red Hellfire.

Eligor let out a grunt of pain as she spiraled downward and smashed into the ground with a dull thud. Instantly, she was back on her feet with her swords drawn in a defensive position.

Zepar approached the knight at full-speed, but this was exactly what she wanted. Eligor held out her swords in front of her body and then fell backward the second the demon ran into them. She used the bastard’s own momentum against him, and she flipped the gargantuan demon into the building behind her.

Cupi, Todd, and I ran over and stood beside the knight.

“That was straight-up badass, Goldilocks,” Todd whistled.

“Thank you, imp,” the knight said as she cracked her neck, “but the fight is far from over. Zepar’s armor is nearly impenetrable. How were you able to get a sword lodged in it?”

I summoned bronze Hellfire into my hands and held it up for the knight to see.

Her eyes widened when she realized what it was. “You … you have the power of Heaven and Hell?” Eligor gasped.

“I do,” I confirmed with a nod. “I couldn’t really stay incognito if I went around broadcasting it to everyone I met down here, now could I?”

“It would have been useful to know beforehand,” the blonde shot back coyly. “But it’s better late than never. Especially now that it gives me an idea … ”

“Shoot,” I implored as I watched Zepar weakly stand back to his feet.

“How powerful is your telekinetic magic?” she asked. “Can you use two spells at once?”

“I’ve done it before, but it makes both of the spells weaker,” I admitted.

“Do you have another telekinetic caster on your team?” she asked curiously. “Because if you do, now would be the time to use them.”

I nodded, placed my hand on the tattoo of the glowing purple eye, and called forth Libidine. The dark-haired succubus appeared in a literal flash with the black-and-white duffel bag in tow.

“I didn’t know if we needed this now or not,” she giggled with a shrug. “But I figured it couldn’t hurt to bring along a bag full of Todd’s sweet treats.”

“I’m going to rip your spines out of your bodies and display them on my mantle!” Zepar growled from a distance.

He reached up, called on his shield with green flames, and then yanked it out of the wall it’d been stuck in. The shield returned to the demon, and he smashed his sword against it in an act of intimidation.

“When he charges us, I want you three to grab him by the hilt of the sword,” Eligor explained to the succubi and Todd. “Whatever you do, make sure you hold him in place.”

“The hilt of his sword?” Cupi retorted. “How are we going to--”

“Not Zepar’s sword,” the knight explained. “Jacob’s. The one that’s jutting out of his back.”

My friends looked at me for confirmation, and I gave them a nod of approval. Eligor had earned my trust so far, and I figured she knew what she was doing.

Zepar ran at us with his sword trailing behind him like a deadly tail. His footsteps thundered against the ground, and off in the distance I could see a few more of Azazel’s Elite Guards drawing closer to the battle.

It was now or never.

Once Zepar was about thirty feet away from our position, the two succubi and Todd flew around behind him. Todd and Cupi grabbed onto the hilt of the sword with their hands at the same time Libidine cast a spell of green Hellfire around the blade. All three of them were yanked forward by Zepar’s momentum, but they quickly regained themselves and pulled back against his bulk.

The demon’s massive feet continued to move along the ground, but he wasn’t going anywhere. Lo and behold, it fucking worked.

“Hurry, guys!” Libidine grunted. “I don’t know how long we can hold him!”

“Jacob, now!” Eligor ordered and pointed at the demon’s armor.

I closed my eyes and thought about everything terrible Zepar had ever done. Every innocent life he’d taken under the command of Azazel. Every person he’d fucked over when he was in disguise on Earth. Most importantly, I thought about how much of a pain in the ass he was for my friends and I.

I could feel the power surging through my body, and I channelled it all into my hands as I clapped them together. A huge beam of bronze Hellfire struck Zepar in the head, and he shrieked as his head rattled around inside of his vibrating helmet.

Eligor took off in a full sprint toward the incapacitated demon. She got about ten feet from the bastard before she knelt down, pushed herself into the air, and flew forward as if she had been blasted out of a cannon. The blonde knight held her swords down at her sides, and then she whipped them upward the second she was within striking distance.

Zepar’s screams stopped the second she passed by, and his head slid off his shoulders and plopped onto the ground. Blood spurted like a geyser from his stump of a neck as his body went limp. The succubi and Todd released their hold on Zepar, and his lifeless form fell to the ground with an earth-shaking thud.

The guards who were approaching stopped in their tracks and stared at the scene with horror in their eyes. Their leader was dead, taken out by the same people who had just slain dozens of their brethren. Several of the cowards dropped their weapons and fled, but a few more of them continued to advance.

Libidine landed down in front of them and held up her hand forcefully. All of the charging guards halted as their expressions went slack-jawed and their eyes glazed over.

“There is nothing to see here,” she commanded the Elite Guard. “You will clean up this mess and tell Azazel Zepar wanted to start a coup, and that he killed many of your brothers before he was finally brought down. Tell the citizens of this village to go back about their business. There is nothing to see here.”

The guards tensed back up and began to survey the scene.

“Holy fuck … ” one of them muttered. “There’s so much blood. How did this happen?”

“Zepar happened,” another guard spoke up. “The crazy bastard thought he could overthrow Azazel? Ha! Not while we’re around, buddy.”

Libidine turned around and began to head back toward us with a coy smile on her face.

“You four over there!” one of the guards called out angrily. “Get out of here. This is official Elite Guard business. Disperse and go back to your festival.”

“Of course, sir,” I said as I raised my hands into the air. “We’ll get out of your hair, alright?”

The four of us turned around and quickly fled down a nearby alleyway. We came out the other side into a small crowd of people who had been gathered around, trying to see what all the commotion was about. The second we were safely within the small group, we doubled over with laughter.

“I-I can’t believe that worked!” I laughed.

“Neither can I,” Libidine admitted through her chuckles.

“That was some Justice League shit back there, guys,” Todd observed. “We were all ‘psssssh!’ and then Jakey was all ‘neowwwwww’ and then Eligor went over and chopped his fucking head off.”

As Todd spoke, he reenacted our actions in a completely over-the-top manner. He accidentally smacked a few bystanders, but they simply shot him a dirty look before they continued walking.

“What can I say?” Eligor shrugged. “We make a great team. Lilith is glad to have you on our side.”

I instantly sobered up at the knight’s words. “We’re not on Lilith’s side,” I reminded her. “We’re just two enemies who currently share a common goal.”

“Agreed,” the knight nodded. “Perhaps I got ahead of myself on that one. I’m still far too skilled to consider you my equal.”

“Is that so?” I asked with a raised eyebrow. “I guess I’ll just have to show you my skills first-hand.”

“I’m not sure even that will suffice,” the knight admitted. “But we will see.”

“We will see,” I reiterated with a smile. “Now, where is Berith? We have a sword to find.”

Chapter 8

“The secretary of Hell, huh?” Todd asked curiously as we made our way through the streets of the Festival of the Dejected One. “Why the fuck does Hell even need a secretary? Can’t they just like, use magic to conjure up a magic mist or some shit to do the grunt work?”

“In theory they could,” Eligor explained, “but Berith actually enjoys his job. In fact, he has gone on record that he wants to keep at it for all eternity.”

“Ohhh, so he’s a nerd,” Todd said with a nod. “Got it.”

“What does a Secretary of Hell even do?” I added to Todd’s query. “Is it like the secretary for an office building?”

“I’m not very familiar with your Earth Realm ways,” Eligor admitted. “Down here, Berith’s role is to manage the archives of Hell as well as set up any negotiation meetings between Lucifer’s different factions. Basically, he’s a point person for anything the Prince of Darkness needs completed as well as the keeper of all of the different Circle’s histories.”

“So almost exactly like a human secretary,” I mused. “Only with a lot more violence and fury.”

“Remember Ms. Murphy?” Todd reminded me. “I’d be willing to put money on her being more evil than Berith, bro.”

“The secretary for our high school?” I racked my brain as I tried to remember.

“That’s the one!” the imp confirmed. “She was hot as fuck, but she was one of those ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’ kinda girls. Like, the kind whose vagina would trap you like a Chinese finger trap just so you’d be forced to get her pregnant and stay with her.”

“That’s … oddly specific,” Libidine noted. “Did she do this to you, Todd?”

“Of course not, Lib,” he reassured us with a wave of his hand. “The Toddster likes to follow that old mantra of ‘don’t stick your dick in crazy.’ Unfortunately, Jakey here doesn’t follow that same advice.”

“Are we really gonna talk about Tamira now?” I sighed angrily. “I think you found out how to make Hell even worse.”

Todd made a hissing noise and put his fingers over his heart in a cross shape. “Why would I ever bring up that she-demon?” he said with pure bile in his voice. “I agree, she’s the one thing that could make Hell even worse! I was talking about Crazy Eyes. It’s literally in her name, bro.”

“Her name is technically ‘Ira,’” I laughed. “Or ‘Maggie’ if she’s on the campaign trail.”

“Either way, you’re a braver man than I am,” Todd chuckled. “Although I do love her sense of humor. It’s sadistic and twisted and dark, just like me.”

“You think Ira is twisted?” Libidine couldn’t contain her amusement. “Wait till you meet Invidia. Ira’s a little more lively than the rest of us, and she definitely has her … odd tastes, but Invidia is on a whole other level of dark.”

“Yeah, yeah,” the imp continued. “She’s the fabled big-tiddy goth girlfriend. Jakey’s really getting a variety of chicks with the Circle of Sin, isn’t he?”

“We’re succubi, Todd,” Cupi took over. “If every harem had girls who were exactly the same, our clients wouldn’t exactly be satisfied, would they?”

“You succubi and your harems,” Eligor chuckled and shook her head. “I’m glad I was never a part of that world. I was created to be a divine warrior, not a personal fucktoy.”

“Easy now, Eligor,” Cupi hissed back at the knight. “I was an angel at one point, too. And look at me now. Best choice I’ve ever made.”

“Second best, you mean,” Libidine added as she ran her hand across my chestplate.

Cupi blushed a little bit and sized me up. “Correct, Sister,” she agreed with a grin. “The second best choice.”

“You’re totally making me queasy, guys,” Todd sighed. “All this talk of fucking and lovey-dovey stuff is making me feel like I need a taco or something.”

“You’re in luck, then,” Eligor said as she nodded toward a nearby tent. “That man over there is selling kebab pitas.”

“Keee-bob’s?” Todd asked curiously. “I’m not eating some ‘specially-made’ chili from a dude named Bob, am I?”

“Of course not,” the blonde knight chuckled. “A kebab pita is basically the Middle-Eastern version of a taco. Tacos don’t exist in the ‘Middle Ages,’ so this is probably the closest thing you’re gonna get.”

“Well, sign me the fuck up, then,” Todd exclaimed as he dashed off toward the vendor.

The rest of us looked at each other, and I heard my stomach rumble longingly.

“I don’t know about you guys, but I could also go for some grub,” I announced. “Besides, Todd’s not gonna know what to even barter with for those things.”

The four of us walked over to the vendor’s line, and instantly my nose was filled with the scent of savory meat, fresh dough, and all sorts of exotic spices. It was all I could do to keep from drooling as I looked over the people who already had their kebabs.

Behind the cart stood a man who was dressed like a traveler from the far east. His clothing was made of elegant red silk, and he wore a turban on his black hair that was bedazzled with all sorts of faux jewels.

Behind him sat a series of small campfires, each with a cast iron pot hanging over them. One of the pots was filled with oil that cracked and bubbled as it fried the dough inside of it to a perfect crisp. Above the second pot hung what appeared to be a skinned vargrat. As orders were placed, one of the vendor’s helpers would slice off a few chunks of meat, season it appropriately, and toss it in the pot with a heap of lard. Last, but certainly not least, was a pot used to simmer up whatever “add-ins” a customer could ask for.

“Waiiiittt,” I said as my eyes narrowed on the dead vargrat. “Is that really what they’re serving? You’d think Azazel would at least allow meat from the regular world down here in honor of Lucifer’s festival.”

“It’s just vargrat, Jacob,” Libidine mused. “They might be deadly in the wild, but their meat is actually not half bad. Given that it’s properly seasoned, of course.”

“I dunno if I wanna pay good money to buy a chunk of dead rat, Lib,” Todd added.

Eligor looked down at the imp. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” she muttered. “You already ate some this morning.”

Todd and I looked at each other in horror as realization dawned on us.

“The bacon, bro,” Todd gasped.

“That’s right!” Eligor exclaimed happily. “It was vargrat. And you both loved it.”

“W-well … I guess since it’s already in my stomach, I can’t really complain,” Todd shrugged. “Normally I have a hardcore regiment of what can and can’t go in this temple, but I guess I can liven up for one day.”

“Mhhhmmmm,” Cupi said coyly. “I once saw you down a whole package of oreos in one sitting.”

“Nobody will ever believe you,” Todd giggled and made a “shhhh” sign with his finger and lips.

Eligor rolled her eyes and turned to the vendor. “We’ll take five pita kebabs, please,” she ordered. “With all the fixings.”

“Alright.” The man behind the counter nodded and then turned his head. “Randall! Did ya get that? Five kebabs, with all the fixin’s.”

I was thrown off for a moment because the man went from speaking with a thick Middle Eastern accent to a Boston one lickity-split.

“What will you be paying with, my friend?” he asked as he returned to his original facade. “These are the finest kebabs on this side of the Fourth Circle. They don’t come for free…”

I noticed the vendor looking my armor over, but after the fight with Zepar, I wasn’t going to just hand it over for some food.

“Hold on, bro,” the disguised imp interjected. “I’ve got a little something that’ll definitely make the cut.”

The burly imp waddled over to Libidine, unzipped the duffel bag, and then reached inside. He pulled out a tiny plastic baggie, hid it in his fist, and returned to the vendor.

“Here ya go,” Todd smiled as he placed the bag of weed in the vendor’s hand.

The vendor’s brow furrowed at the action, but then his expression turned into one of shock when he saw what was in the bag.

“Is this … how’d ya get this?” he gasped in his Boston accent.

“That’s for me to know, buddy,” Todd whispered. “Just enjoy it. If those pita things are half as good as they look, you’ve totally earned it.”

“I--thank you!” the man exclaimed in awe. “Randall! Sully! Finish up those ordahs, and then close down tha shop. We got some celebratin’ to do!”

The man pocketed the bag and then set out to work helping make our pita kebabs. He was only gone for a minute or two, but we all watched curiously as he and his partners seasoned the meat, tossed it about in their pot, and then transferred it onto the wrap. Finally, the vendor returned with five entrees all wrapped up in parchment paper.

“Oh, and just so you know,” Todd leaned in as we grabbed our wraps, “you’re gonna need to buckle up tight. It’s gonna be one trippy ride, bro.”

Todd patted the counter, and then the five of us walked away. We found a small spot just outside the village where we could sit down, relax, and enjoy our food away from the bustle of the festival.

“Do you really think Azazel’s gonna fall for all of that?” Cupiditas pondered aloud. “Like, the whole ‘Zepar tried to betray him’ thing?”

“Probably not,” Eligor shrugged, “but it will at least buy us some time. The Elite Guards will be terrified to inform Azazel of their failure, so I’d say we at least have another two or three hours before they’re onto us.”

“And that will give us plenty of time to find Berith,” Liby added.

My stomach growled again, and I couldn’t wait any longer. I unwrapped the paper around my pita and marveled at the creation that stared me back in the face. The bread itself was fried to perfection so it was just doughy enough to bend but not quite crisp enough to crack. Meanwhile, all sorts of spices irradiated from the meat inside, mixed with a healthy dose of onions, tomatoes, lettuce, and some sort of feta cheese-like crumbles.

I raised the sandwich to my mouth and took a hefty bite. Instantly, my taste buds lit up with delight at the mixture of smokey meat, grainy bread, and sweet onion. The flavors of the acidic tomato would have been overpowering, but they were counteracted by the subtle, sharp flavor of the cheese. I let my bite of the food sit around in my mouth as I tried to identify all of the spices in the meat. There was the distinct taste of cumin, a hint of garlic and cinnamon, the biting flavor of cloves, and then the ever-tiniest dash of turmeric.

This was by far the best thing we’d eaten in Hell.

“Oh my god, this is vargrat?” Todd gasped through a mouthful of kebab. “Why don’t we have this shit on Earth?”

“I must admit,” Cupi added, “this dish does make me long for the days of Gula’s vargrat stew. Even though there are waaaay better options on Earth Realm.”

“Our Sister really could make one hell of a stew,” Liby giggled.

While Todd, the succubi, and I sat there chatting, Eligor remained dead silent. The blonde knight just munched on her pita sandwich as she stared off at the distant mountains, probably wondering where Berith’s knowledge would lead us.

I started to reach out to the knight, but Cupi quickly put her hand on my own and pushed it down.

She shook her head somberly as if to say “let her be,” and the four of us went back to shooting the shit. It was mostly inconsequential things. How much Todd and I missed the charm of Kansas City … reminisces about our past adventures … jokes about Oliver … nothing important at all. But, if there was one thing I’d found in my short time in this universe, it’s that you have to stop and take a moment to enjoy the little things in life.

And this was definitely one of those moments.

We finished up our meal, tossed our paper to the wind, and then began to head back into the village.

“I never got to ask,” I suddenly remembered. “Did you actually find Berith’s location?”

Eligor shot me a playful look. “Of course I did,” she scoffed. “I found out where he was located within the first twenty minutes I was gone.”

“And the other thirty minutes?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

“That was me time,” she shot back. “A girl needs some time to pamper herself every now and again.”

“True dat,” Todd interjected. “I don’t know what I’d do without my spa days. No homo.”

“Berith is on the far side of the village,” Eligor continued. “Thankfully, he was far, far away from the commotion we caused earlier, so he should still be set up in his storytelling booth.”

We ventured further into the village until we finally came upon a small crowd of people who were huddled around a small, raised stage. A short, stout demon dressed to the nines in old-timey royal clothing stood at its center, telling his story to everyone who was willing to listen. The demon had a long, crooked nose that pointed downward and long, golden locks that came all the way down past his shoulders. Most distinguishing, however, was his mustache, which looked like it had been ripped right off a deck of playing cards.

This must have been Berith.

“ … and that was when the Exalted One cast Lucifer from his kingdom and doomed our master to wander the Earth for all eternity,” the man announced, already far into his tale. “But the Dejected One got an idea. The Lake of Fire was the one place in this universe that had no master. Instead of residing on Earth, with puny mortal humans and life that was fleeting, he decided to anoint himself as the King of Hell.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how the story goes,” Todd mused as he patted his chin. “At least, not in any books or blogs I’ve read.”

“So he set out to work!” Berith continued. “Lucifer’s first order of business was to divide the Netherworld into nine different Circles, a domain which he rewarded to each of his most trusted generals. The generals have come and gone over the centuries, folks, but one thing remains clear … those who do good in the eyes of the Dejected One will reap his rewards tenfold. That is why I come before you today, ladies and gentlemen, not only to remind you of his greatness, but to plead with you. You are all here in the Fourth Circle because you put your material objects first in life. One of the lesser sins, but a sin nonetheless. You have it much better off than your friends in the other Circles, so I beg of you … you should neither reject nor denounce Lucifer or his generals. The rules of the Circles can change at a moment’s whim, whenever our master decides he wants to switch things up. Show him your support and your courtesy and maybe, just maybe, he will show you his mercy. Thank you.”

The crowd clapped, but they seemed rather unenthusiastic about the whole affair.

I couldn’t really blame them.

“Yikes,” I noted with a whistle. “And I thought street preachers were bad.”

Todd just shrugged. “I honestly don’t see the difference,” he admitted. “When you boil it all down, these religious fanatics are all saying the same thing, bro. ‘Join us and believe in our higher power, or he will smite you down with extreme prejudice. Also, remember to send your little ones to our youth group every wednesday night. It’ll be all the fun and excitement of our normal service, with a little less fear-mongering.’”

“You really have no faith in modern religion, do you?” I chuckled and shook my head. “Even after everything we’ve seen?”

“Believing in something isn’t a religion, bro,” the imp shot back. “That’s just faith. It’s when you start getting a bunch of like-minded people together to form a community and share their common beliefs that it becomes a religion.”

“Huh,” I mused as we watched Berith take a bow and exit stage left.

The imp may have come across as a total stoner and slacker, but every now and again he’d say something actually deep and philosophical. Then, he’d turn around and make a joke about how some dude’s nose looked like a dick.

Thus was the Tao of Todd.

Eligor slapped me gently on the chest. “Now’s our chance,” she explained. “He’s back in his tent getting ready for the next show.”

“Are you guys ready?” I asked the group.

“To get high as fuck and talk to a dude about a flaming sword in the middle of a Lake of Fire?” Todd pondered. “Sign me the fuck up.”

The five of us wandered through the crowd as they began to disperse, and we eventually made it back to a small white and blue tent that had been set up beside the stage.

Eligor raised up her hand, lifted away one of the entrance flaps, and marched into Berith’s dwelling.

I was right behind the knight, and the second I entered the dwelling I noticed there was a heavy fog of sweet incense that filled the room. I glanced around at the makeshift dressing room, taking in the aesthetic.

Even though it was very bare-bones, there were a few pieces of shoddy furniture in the room. A large file cabinet, assumedly filled with important stories from Lucifer’s history, sat all the way in the back, right next to a rough-looking wooden table with an even more rough-looking stool. There was a rocking chair at the far corner that looked much more modern than anything we’d seen in the Fourth Circle so far, and it was set up in front of a firepit that had been dug into the ground.

Berith himself was sitting on a cushioned chair in front of a large vanity mirror. The demon was holding two different crowns above his head, shifting them back and forth as if he was trying to figure out which one looked better on his noggin.

Then I saw it.

There was a rather large incense burner on his vanity. The burner was shaped like a three-headed dragon, and puffs of scented smoke shot out of its trifecta of mouths every few seconds.

I nudged Todd and pointed at the burner.

“You know what that is?” I asked the imp cautiously.

“Of course I do, bro,” he hissed back. “It’s King Ghidorah. I’m not a total dumbass.”

“I mean, do you know what that thing does,” I sighed softly. “It’s an incense burner. If you swap out whatever’s in there for your stuff … ”

“It’ll make our mission go much quicker.” Todd nodded. “On it. Stealth Todd, activate.”

The imp snapped his fingers and disappeared from view. The sound must have gotten the attention of Berith, though, because he whipped his head around curiously.

“I thought I told you no autographs unless you’ve got something to barter with,” he growled, but then a look of recognition spread across his face. “Is that … Eligor?”

“It sure is!” the fallen angel exclaimed with a bright grin, completely out of character. “It’s been a while, my old friend.”

“It most certainly has,” Berith noted as he spun his full body around to face us. “How’s Lilith doing these days? Keeping her succubi in line?”

“You could say that,” Eligor said with a nod. “There’s so many to keep track of, I don’t know how she does it.”

“Nor do I, Eligor,” Berith mused. “As the Chief Secretary of Hell, I’ve seen all the work she puts into keeping her empire running smoothly. The pimps, the Demon Lords, the hundreds upon hundreds of succubi who are assigned to various factions … it’s a feat only she could pull off. Who are your friends, if I may ask?”

“I’m glad you asked,” Eligor said through a completely fake smile. “These are a few of Lilith’s newest recruits. They’re fairly new to Hell, but they lived very impressive lives up on Earth Realm. Impressive enough that the Demon Queen wanted them at her service.”

“Mortals who impressed Lilith?” Berith whistled. “That’s no small feat. What, dare I ask, did you do in your previous life?”

There was a temporary moment of silence, and then I finally spoke up.

“I was a drug runner,” I lied. “One of the best in the business. It’s all because I ran things with an iron fist and killed anyone who dared stand in my way.”

“I was a prostitute,” Libidine half-lied. “I would sell my body on the streets to anyone who wanted a piece and had the coin. Of course, after they were finished, I’d slit their throat and rob them of all their money.”

“Why not kill them before you did the deed?” Berith leaned forward in his chair, obviously interested in what Liby was saying.

The dark-haired succubus just shrugged. “Where’s the fun in that?” she asked coyly. “A girl still has her needs, you know.”

“I was a dirty cop,” Cupi interjected. “I was a deputy chief of police, but I quickly found out selling drugs from the evidence lockers was a way better side gig than working at a fucking big box store.”

Berith leaned back in his chair and placed his hands behind his head. “So we’ve got a kingpin, a whore, and a crooked cop,” he observed. “What brings you to me today?”

As the demon was talking, I saw his incense burner lift up into the air on its own. The lid on the bottom of the burner was slowly removed, and ashes of the incense fell out onto the floor. The three-headed dragon flipped upside down, and a bunch of Todd’s weed dumped into its repository. The lid was put back in place, the metal dragon was turned over, and then there was a brief flash of red Hellfire as the imp got it going again. Finally, the burner was turned back into the upright position and placed back down on the vanity without a single sound.

“Well, Berith,” Eligor explained, “Lilith wanted the fresh meat to be initiated into her circle with some of Hell’s greatest stories, and she figured you’d be the perfect one to tell them.”

Berith looked surprised, and then he placed his hand against his chest happily.

“Awww, Lilith … I’m flattered,” he groveled. “Give me just one second. I’m going to go put out a sign that tells everyone my next story is cancelled. We have a lot of stuff to get through, and not much time to do it!”

The flamboyant demon hopped to his feet, brushed the dust off his cloak, and then rushed out of the tent.

“I think it’s already working, Jakey,” Todd’s disembodied voice coughed. “I can feel this shit in my very soul.”

“Great,” I said with a nod. “Just make sure you get him baked before it starts affecting all of us. The last thing we need is for us to all be stoned out of our minds.”

“That’s quitter talk,” the imp snickered. “But I’ll see what I can do.”

One of Todd’s joints rose up into the air, lit up with a flash of red, and then glowed as it was inhaled. The imp let out a deep cough as smoke spread through the air.

“Holy fuck,” Todd said in surprise. “This shit is waaaay stronger than I thought it was gonna be.”

“Even better,” Cupi interjected. “Maybe that means we can be done quicker.”

“It’s not about the destination,” Libidine giggled and winked at her Sister. “It’s about the journey. We succubi know that all too well.”

“Alright, so where do you want to begin?” Berith asked as he re-entered the room. “I’ve given us nearly an hour to work with, which means there’s time for many, many stories.”

“Why don’t we start at the beginning?” Eligor suggested. “Tell them all about Lilith, her creation, and her fall? It’s a tale she refuses to tell herself.”

Berith sat down on the cushioned chair, adjusted his cloak, and clapped his hands together happily. “The Fall of Lilith?” he exclaimed. “That’s actually one of my favorite stories to tell! Right next to the Fall of Lucifer, of course.”

As the demon spoke, his incense burner puffed out clouds of sweet leaf. At the same time, the invisible Todd was standing behind Berith, blowing out mouthfuls of smoke every minute or two.

This idea was so fucking crazy. It had better work.

“So, let’s start at the beginning, shall we?” Berith began. “Being from Earth yourself, you probably know all about Genesis. How the Exalted One created the Heavens and the Earth, as well as all of the animals and plants and mankind itself. So, naturally, you know about Adam and Eve. But there was another woman before Eve came about. Have you ever noticed how, in Genesis, woman is seemingly created twice? Earthly scholars will tell you it’s a simple mistranslation of the original Hebrew texts, but it’s not. The first woman created to be Adam’s wife was Lilith.”

“That’s some crazy shit,” I said as I tried to put on an act. “You’re telling me all that stuff my momma’s preacher told me was wrong?”

“It’s a lot to take in, I know,” Berith reassured, “but I promise you I only speak the truth. Lilith was the first wife of Adam, but he and the Exalted One quickly grew to dislike her.”

“What for?” Cupi asked, even though she already knew the whole tale.

“She wasn’t submissive like a ‘good wife’ was supposed to be,” he continued. “Mainly, Lilith refused to be on bottom whenever she and Adam would make love, and she wanted them both to be seen as equals in the eyes of their creator. ‘We were both made from the same Earth,’ is what she would always argue.”

Todd let out another puff of marijuana smoke on the back of Berith’s head, and the demon looked around curiously.

“Say, have any of you noticed my incense is smelling super sweet today?” he asked as he studied the three-headed dragon.

“I wouldn’t know,” Eligor lied. “Not that I’m not interested in your incense purchases, but would it be possible to continue with the story? Lilith wants them back at a reasonable hour.”

“Of course, of course,” Berith sighed as he took in another deep breath. “Are you sure that--you know what? Never mind. Where was I?”

“‘Created from the same Earth,’” I reminded the storyteller.

“Oh, right.” He cleared his throat. “Tensions mounted between Lilith and Adam for months, until it finally came to a head. One day, when Lilith and her husband were in the midst of an argument, she uttered the true name of the Exalted One, sprouted a pair of wings, and flew out of the Garden of Eden. She was tracked down by a trio of angels, but she defeated them with ease. Once Lilith had made it clear she wasn’t returning to her husband, the Exalted One created another wife for him out of his rib bone, and well, you know the rest of that story. As for Lilith, she swore to take revenge on her husband by serving Lucifer and acting as a succubus, seducing the children of Adam and Eve from then until the end of time.”

“The ultimate ‘fuck you’ move,” I noted. “I like it.”

“Over the millennia, Lilith, a lowly succubus, rose up the ranks on Lucifer’s Great Chain of Being until she was anointed as one of the Nine Demon Queens,” Berith finished. “And that, my newfound friends, is where she remains today.”

“Which Circle does she reside over?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“Why, the First Circle, of course,” he answered in a matter-of-fact tone. “She is the Queen of Asmodeus, the Demon King of Lust, after all.”

“‘Queen’ is putting it kinda lightly, don’t you think?” Eligor nearly spat. “Lilith has no allegiance to Asmodeus whatsoever. It’s purely a political marriage. Besides, we all know who really runs the show around there.”

Berith’s eyes narrowed, and I noticed they were now becoming somewhat bloodshot.

“Be careful what you say here, Eligor,” he warned. “I may be your ally, but I still report to Lucifer. We both know Demon Kings are higher up than Demon Queens on the Great Chain of Being.”

“Sure, sure,” Eligor conceded, even though I could tell she wanted to keep arguing. “How about another story?”

The demon continued to endow us with his wisdom for the next thirty minutes or so. He told us the tale of Lucifer’s fall and the first few wars between Heaven and Hell. Berith also enlightened us with the story of Azazel’s corruption of man, how he taught them everything they needed to know about warfare and battle strategies. There was one point where he explained, somewhat fanatically, about how Lucifer had been playing the long con and that everything he’s done over the last few centuries was setting the stage for the apocalypse.

As he went on and on, the demon began to slur and stumble of his words.

I myself was starting to feel a bit woozy from the effects of the weed, and we needed to act quickly if we wanted to remember anything he told us.

“Our time is almost up, Berith,” Eligor sighed. “But there is one more story I’ve always been curious about. The Unhallowed Sword.”

Berith made a shocked face and nearly wobbled out of his chair. “That’s quite a leap, ya know,” he exclaimed, now high as a kite. “Going from the apocalypse to the Unhallowed Sword?”

“It’s not that much of a leap,” the blonde knight said with a shrug. “It is quite significant to the Revelation, if I recall. It’s the sword that is said to break Lucifer from the chains the Chosen One will capture him with, no?”

Berith rubbed his tired eyes and nodded somberly. “It is,” he explained. “The magical sword that is able to cut through anything, even the most powerful Demonic or Divine spells.”

“Of course I’m familiar with that part,” Eligor admitted. “Every demon and fallen angel is aware of what it does … but I’ve always been curious as to where it is located. Lucifer must keep it under tight lock and key.”

Berith took a second to process the knight’s words, and then he crossed his arms over his belly and began to rock back and forth. The demon had his mouth open and eyes closed as if he were laughing, but all that was coming out was the occasional squeak.

“You--you want to know where the Unhallowed Sword is?” he guffawed. “That’s, uh, not really something anyone knows.”

“Of course it is!” Eligor implored. “You’re the goddamn Chief Secretary of Hell. Are you really going to sit there and tell me you have no idea where it is?”

The man with the crooked nose stopped rocking and went deadly serious. “I never said I had no idea,” he explained. “Just that I don’t know for a fact.”

Now we were getting somewhere.

“Nope.” Eligor shrugged, obviously trying to lead Berith on. “You said you know nothing about where it is. Some historian you are.”

“Now, wait a minute, wait a minute … ” Berith slurred. “I’ll have you know that it’s right here, in the Fourth Circle of Hell. Fuck, it’s right to the northeast, in the Lake of Fire.”

“The Lake of Fire is massive,” Eligor continued. “That’s like saying you know there’s a needle in a haystack and just telling people to look for it blindly.”

“Hold on,” Berith’s voice grew serious once more. “You’re looking for the Unhallowed Sword? Don’t tell me you and Lilith are planning a coup against the Demon Kings … ”

The room grew tense for a second as we all stared at each other awkwardly. Right this second, the tension was almost as thick as Todd’s reefer fog.

I coiled my hand into a fist, ready to vaporize Berith if he tried anything funny.

Thankfully, that didn’t happen. Instead, the demon doubled over and laughed so hard he began to cry. The tension instantly ceased, and my friends and I all joined in the uproarious laughter.

“I’m just messing with you, my friend,” he said through his laughter. “I know nobody is that stupid, to try and overthrow the balance of power that’s stood for hundreds of thousands of years.”

“Oh, of course not,” Eligor said with a wave of her hand. “But, theoretically, if you had to take a guess, where in the Lake of Fire is this sword located?”

“If I had to guess?” Berith pondered. “I’d say it has to do with the riddle that’s written in all of the scripture about the Unhallowed Sword. ‘Those who seek to find this sacred weapon need to look no further than in the eye of the storm, where the fertility of the buoyant meets the harsh, scalding reality of Hell.’ That’s all I’ve got to go off of, honest.”

Eligor pretended to look down at her watch, and then she stood up gracefully. “I think our time is almost up, Berith,” she observed. “We need to get back to Lilith so she may give us further instruction. Thank you for all your help, old friend.”

“Don’t--don’t even mention it,” the baked demon sighed. “It was just nice to have some company that actually talked back for a change!”

The four of us exited the tent and instantly took in a long, deep breath. The air outside was a far cry from the reefer-infused haze that lingered around Berith’s dwelling, and I nearly choked from the contrast.

“What do you think that means?” I coughed. “I’ve never been one for riddles.”

“That’s why I’m Batman, and you’re Robin, bro,” Todd’s obviously stoned voice interjected. “The Riddler is no match for the Toddster.”

“Let’s break it down,” Libidine pondered as we headed toward the exit of the village. “The riddle mentions fertility … maybe the sword is hiding in plain sight in one of the local brothels?”

“That seems like an accident waiting to happen,” Cupi objected. “What about the comment about buoyancy? And the ‘reality of Hell?’ That makes me think it’s in a place where we get to see the ‘real’ Hell and not this illusion Azazel has created.”

“I suppose that would make some sense,” Eligor pondered. “The Lake of Fire is about as close to the ‘real Hell’ as you can get. It’s quite literally a giant body of fire.”

“You guys are overthinking it,” the stoned imp reassured us. “We just gotta Batman ‘66 this bitch. Watch.”

The imp suddenly reappeared as his own impish self. His eyes were completely bloodshot, and I wondered just how strong the stuff he was smoking was.

“The riddle mentioned something about ‘buoyancy,’” Todd began in Adam West’s voice. “When pronounced phonetically, buoyancy sounds a lot like ‘boy ant.’ And what does a boy ant do? It goes out and collects food for its queen. Where does the queen live? At the center of the colony. The sword is in the center of the Lake of Fire! Now, this riddle also talks about fertility. When is a woman most fertile? When she’s ovulating. Now, what else is fertile and shaped like an egg? An island with lush green grass! The sword is located on an island that’s floating at the center of the Lake of Fire!”

“That … that actually makes sense,” Eligor gasped. “I figured it would be located somewhere along the shore, or maybe even deep down in the fire itself. That would clarify the ‘eye of the storm’ part of the riddle…”

“Not to mention,” Cupi added, “a floating island would be buoyant, and touching the ‘harsh reality of Hell,’ the fire itself.”

“Holy stoned imp, Batman,” I laughed. “I think you’ve solved it, Todd.”

The imp did a little bow. “Thank you, folks,” he said jokingly. “I’m here till Thursday.”

The five of us walked out of the village and continued on until we were in the middle of some wheat field at the edge of the property. Finally, we halted our gait and surveyed the area around us.

“If my geography serves me right,” Eligor said as she closed one eye, raised her thumb into the air, and moved it around the landscape, “northeast should be this way.”

The blonde knight pointed off into the distance, where the sky grew dark and cloudy and hung low over what appeared to be a desolate landscape.

Now, that looked a lot more like the Hell I was familiar with.

Chapter 9

“Can we go over the plan one more time?” Libidine asked with a twinge of fear in her voice. “Just so I can have a little piece of mind.”

The five of us had been traveling for almost six hours now, pausing only for the occasional bathroom break or to snag a drink of water from a well or stream. As we walked further and further northeast, the landscape began to change. The rest of the Fourth Circle was designed by Azazel to look like it was ripped straight out of medieval Europe, with its sprawling hills and valleys and grass so green it put my emerald Hellfire to shame. But now, we were venturing into a part of Hell that was much more ‘fire and brimstone.’

Literally, the grass around us wilted and died, and we were left with rocky brimstone. Off in the distance stood an ominous mountain whose peak rose up into the dark clouds like a twisted, deathly spire, and bolts of lightning randomly lashed out from above. There was a pungent stench of sulfur all around us, mixed in with the occasional waft of burning hot lava.

“Well, Liby,” I admitted, “to say we have a ‘plan’ is probably stretching it. We have a rough idea of where the Unhallowed Sword is, and we’re going to do our damnedest to retrieve it. We’ve come up with what feels like a million different ways to get to the center of the Lake of Fire, but we won’t be able to tell which one works until we actually get there.”

“I still think we should just have the girls fly us out there,” Todd suggested. “That’d be about as quick and easy as your mom, bro.”

“Excuse me?” I asked in annoyance. “I--”

“I’m just fucking with you, Jakey,” Todd reassured. “I love your mom. In a strictly platonic way, of course. I’ve never once thought about her when I’m--”

“Stop!” I ordered the imp. “Just … don’t finish that sentence. For my sake, and yours.”

“I don’t think flying would work,” Cupi sighed. “There are many geysers of flame that randomly shoot out of the lake. As powerful as we are, getting hit by one of those is instant death. We could try to hover just out of their reach, but if we get too high up, our vision will be obscured by the clouds.”

“Jacob and Libidine both have strong telekinetic powers,” Eligor argued. “Couldn’t you just teleport us all out onto the island?”

“Not if we don’t know where it is,” I said. “Teleporting blind is the quickest way to have us all drop into the Lake of Fire headfirst.”

“No bueno,” Todd added.

“That’s right, ‘no bueno,’” I repeated. “Can’t you do anything about it? I thought you had elemental powers?”

Eligor shook her head somberly. “I do,” she admitted, “but they’re not going to do us much good. My skill set is mainly focused on Earth and Water. Other elemental magic users can control fire and wind, but not me.”

“Fucking Fire Nation,” Todd muttered under his breath.

“That’s why I think Ira is our best shot,” I continued. “She’s got self-healing powers, and she can fly, so she could easily skim along the surface of the lake until she finds the island.”

“That honestly sounds like the closest thing to a plan we’re going to get,” Libidine sighed. “What do we do when we get the Unhallowed Sword, anyway?”

“When we get to the sword,” Eligor explained, “Jacob is the only one who can handle it. It’s been enchanted so it can only be wielded by the most powerful demons in existence. Think Lucifer, his lineage, the Demon Kings, etcetera.”

“Wait, wait,” I said as I froze in my tracks. “I’m none of those things. How do you know the Unhallowed Sword will take to me?”

Eligor’s eyes narrowed as her face grew somber. “I don’t,” she admitted, “but, from everything I’ve seen, you’re the most powerful of us all. If anyone can wield the enchanted weapon, it’s you, Jacob.”

“Just out of curiosity,” I asked cautiously, “what happens if it doesn’t take to me?”

“It will,” the blonde knight promised. “But, if it somehow doesn’t, searing-hot chains will erupt from the base of the Lake of Fire, and you will be dragged down into its fiery depths for all eternity.”

My eyes widened as I took in the knight’s words. “Oh,” was the only word I could muster. “Then I guess we’d better hope for the best, huh?”

“Fear not, Jakey,” Todd said as he patted my leg in support. “I believe in you. What kind of a mentor would I be if I didn’t?”

“Thanks, bro,” I chuckled.

The team ventured onward for another twenty minutes, across the desolate landscape of the Fourth Circle’s outskirts. As we drew closer to our destination, the smell of sulfur grew stronger until it was nearly unbearable. Finally, we came over a small, rocky hill, and we saw it.

The Lake of Fire.

Eligor wasn’t kidding when she said this thing was massive. Flames of red, orange, yellow, and even blue danced across the ground in front of us for as far as the eye could see. Every now and again, a white-hot geyser of fire would sprout up from the bubbling surface while lighting cracked off in the distance.

I could feel the intense heat of the Lake from all the way back here, and I wondered if we should get any closer.

“So, the Unhallowed Sword is out there somewhere?” Libidine pondered as she surveyed the lake. “How are we ever going to find it?”

“We go dead-center,” I instructed. “Thankfully, Eligor here has been kind enough to bring along one of her hand-drawn maps. Eligor?”

The blonde knight nodded, fumbled around in her pocket, and produced a small piece of parchment. She unfolded the paper and then held it up to reveal a sketched out, topographical map of the Lake of Fire.

“How did you get this?” Cupi gasped. “Or better yet, how did you get the information to draw this?”

“That’s where it pays to have friends in high places,” Eligor answered ominously. “Lilith has resources all over Hell. She got me the notes on the Fourth Circle’s landscape, and I did the rest.”

“This even has coordinates and everything,” Libidine observed.

“Exactly,” I confirmed. “Which is why we’re also in luck I brought this fancy interdimensional GPS along for the mission. We just need to use the map to find the dead center of the lake, punch the exact coordinates into the device, and voila! There’s our Unhallowed Sword.”

“Interdimensional GPS?” Todd asked. “I didn’t realize our carrier got signal in Hell, bro.”

“I guess,” I said with a shrug. “Oliver gave it to me. He said they used it to find Azazel whenever he called an emergency meeting. The old-timer claimed it worked on any dimensional plane.”

The team poured over the map as we tried to figure out the exact center of the lake. Cupi and Eligor teamed up to read the map and draw the longitude and latitude to the correct coordinates. Meanwhile, Todd read off their deductions aloud, and I transcribed them into the GPS. Liby stood back cautiously and observed the Lake of Fire in all its unholy glory.

“There!” Todd called out when the two blondes figured out the final piece of the puzzle. “I think we’re all good to go, Jakey.”

“Not quite,” I corrected. “We still need our swimmer. Liby, are you ready to head back?”

The dark-haired succubus turned around with a sad look in her eyes. “I’m never ready to leave you,” she sighed.

I walked over and placed my hands tenderly on the succubus’ shoulders. Then I looked her deep in the eyes as I began to caress her cheek and run my hand through her hair.

“Don’t worry about us, Liby,” I reassured her. “We’ll make it through this, and then we’ll be back on Earth Realm before you know it.”

“If you say so.” Liby frowned. “Just … don’t do anything stupid, okay?”

“What, me?” I asked innocently. “I’d never do anything stupid.”

Liby shot me a look of annoyance, and then she gave me a quick kiss before she stepped away and straightened her posture. The Sister of Lust gave me a nod, and I pressed the glowing eye on my bicep.

A white light shot out of the tattoo, engulfed Liby, and then sent her back to be with the rest of the Circle of Sin.

The second she was gone, I pressed my index finger against the whip tattoo on my arm and activated the cycle once again. The light returned, but this time it brought us the taller, more slender of the two black-haired succubi.

Ira stepped forth from the light, cracked her neck in a way that sounded painful, and then let her whole body shiver.

“I’ll never get tired of that, you know,” she giggled. “The whole sensation of interdimensional travel feels like a light, full-body orgasm.”

“We need your assistance, Sister,” Cupiditas sighed. “Unfortunately, it’s not going to be pretty.”

Ira craned her neck as her violet eyes lit up. “‘Unfortunately?’” she asked. “What’s so unfortunate about it?”

“I hope you practiced your breaststroke, Crazy Eyes,” Todd explained and motioned to the fire behind us. “Because you’re going swimming.”

Ira turned around, gazed into the Lake of Fire, and then let out a squeal of glee.

“Why didn’t you think of this sooner?” she exclaimed. “I think this is the greatest thing you’ve ever asked me to do, Jacob. Aside from that one thing, but you asked me not to talk about that in front of the others.”

My face went beet red as I remembered exactly the thing she was talking about.

“Anywhooooo,” Ira continued. “Where am I headed?”

Eligor held up her map, which now had a small circle drawn at its dead center. “Right here,” she explained as she slapped her finger against the drawing. “If our calculations are correct, there should be an island at the Lake’s center, and the Unhallowed Sword will be there.”

“Use this GPS,” I added as I held out the device. “The coordinates are already punched in, so they’ll lead you right to it. Just one last thing to do … ”

I held out my hand, summoned purple Hellfire into it, and then engulfed the tiny device with the spell.

“There,” I mused. “I’ll hold that for as long as I can, so it isn’t melted by the heat of the fire. Once I get out of range, you’ll have to use your own powers to keep healing it and yourself. Think you can do that?”

“You of all people should know,” Ira said with a sly smile, “I can do anything your little heart desires.”

The succubus sat the GPS down on the ground and began to strip. She was still in the medieval clothing that we’d stolen before, so it was a simple process. First, Ira ripped the headscarf off her head and released her long, flowing black locks. She then shot me a hungry look as she bent down, grabbed her dress around the ankles, and began to lift it off her body.

Slowly, but surely, the slender succubus’ body was revealed. It started with her delicate ankles. Then it was her lean, willowy legs. Next came her thick thighs, followed by the shaved slit that sat between them. The fabric slid over her toned navel, and then each of her massive breasts plopped perkily against her chest as they were released from their clothing prison. Finally, she pulled the garment over her head and tossed it to the side.

“Much better,” she sighed. “I fucking hate normal clothes, so you can only imagine how terrible these medieval garments are.”

“They certainly don’t look as good,” I admitted as I watched the succubus strut over to the edge of the lake.

Ira let out a tiny gasp of surprise as one of the flames leapt up onto the bank and singed the bottom of her legs. Her feet and shins were now covered with third-degree burns, but she simply shuddered, summoned golden Hellfire to the wounds, and healed them immediately.

“Oh, this is going to be soooooo much fun!” she cackled.

The Sister of Wrath increased her spell, and the golden Hellfire spread up so it surrounded her entire body. She looked over her shoulder and shot me a wink before she crouched down, wiggled her tight ass, and jumped up into the air. She got to about two or three feet above the surface of the lake when her wings sprouted, aglow with both purple and gold flames. Then, she was off. Ira dashed toward the center of the lake with lightning-fast speed, and her body was smouldering with heat until she finally disappeared from our view.

The purple Hellfire went out in my hand, and I took in a deep breath.

Ira was on her own now.

The four of us sat down on the rocky beach and waited nervously. Ira had been gone for nearly ten minutes now, and I was beginning to wonder if we’d been wrong about this whole endeavor. Maybe we sent her to the wrong coordinates? Maybe there was a trap waiting for her at the Lake of Fire, and she was now ensnared in its horrific tendrils? The possibilities were endless.

Finally, I saw a weak shimmer of golden Hellfire on the horizon.

“Guys,” I announced. “Ira’s coming back!”

The succubus rocketed toward us, her body completely engulfed in gold flames. The spell around her looked more powerful than any healing spell I’d ever seen before. The flames danced nearly ten feet above Ira’s body and let off a radiance that was blinding all the way back here.

I shielded my eyes as she got closer and smiled. She did it, she got the sword that was going to save her final Sister, and the same sword that was going to kill Azazel once and for all.

“She’s coming in too fast!” Cupi gasped.

“Duck and cover, bros!” Todd exclaimed as he threw himself to the ground, and the rest of us followed suit.

The golden ball of fire zipped toward the shore, smashed into it with a sickening crack, and then Ira’s body tumbled violently across the rocky landscape. She came to a halt in a heap, her limbs twisted all around her body in ways that shouldn’t be humanly possible. Blood dribbled out of her mouth, and there were burns all over her body.

“Ira!” Cupi choked, nearly in tears.

The blonde succubus ran over to her fallen sister and tried to console her. Eligor, Todd, and I were not far behind, and we all looked upon the gruesome scene in shock.

“What happened?” I demanded.

“It’s … it’s just too strong,” Ira wheezed. “I made it halfway there, but then the fire started turning f-from red and orange to blue and white. It was too much for my healing powers. I saved the GPS, though.”

Ira’s palm opened up, and the interdimensional GPS rolled onto the ground.

I reached down to touch the succubus’ face, but then realized that would probably just cause her more pain.

“You just focus on healing up, okay?” I ordered. “We’ll find another way.”

Ira nodded, but the simple motion caused her to grimace in pain. She laid her head back down and tried to summon her healing fire into her hands, but all that came forth were a few flickers of flame.

“What’s wrong with her?” I asked desperately.

Cupi put her hand against my shoulder. “She will be fine, Jacob,” she promised. “She used up a lot of her magic trying to get to the center of the Lake of Fire. She should be able to completely heal, but it might take a minute or two.”

“We can’t afford to wait a minute or two,” I shot back. “Look at her! She looks like she’s on death’s door. I’m sending her back to Earth so Sia can heal her quickly.”

Before anyone could protest, I tapped the flaming whip tattoo on my shoulder, and Ira’s beaten body returned to Earth Realm. I was sure the rest of the succubi would be shocked to see their Sister completely mangled, but Sia would know what to do immediately.

“What’s the plan now?” Eligor sighed. “Ira was our best shot at getting there in one piece.”

“Jacob, could you make a series of platforms with your protective flames?” Cupi asked curiously. “Almost like a makeshift bridge?”

I shook my head. “I could, but you heard Ira,” I explained. “The heat was way too intense even for her. We’d have to be way further away from the source, but if we do that, we’ll be walking blind.”

“One wrong step, and tooasssttttyyyy!” Todd added.

“What about you, Eligor?” Cupi tried her next option. “You said that your armor was some of the most powerful in the universe. Do you think it could protect you from the flames?”

The knight shrugged. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “But we’re running out of options, and Lilith won’t tolerate failure.”

Eligor tossed off her cloak to reveal the glimmering silver armor that just barely covered up her unmentionables. Despite its skimpiness, it was stolen directly from a Demon Queen herself, and the knight boasted that it was far stronger than any other armor she’d owned before.

Still, I couldn’t help but be skeptical as she walked closer to the edge of the lake, and I found my eyes gawking at the thong-like rear of the garment. Each cheek of the fallen angel’s ass bounced delightfully as she walked, and I felt my undergarments suddenly get tighter.

Thank God this armor had a codpiece.

“Eyes up here, Jakey,” Todd whispered and broke my gaze. “I know you wanna take her to pound town, but we got bigger fish to fry right now, bro. And if we ain’t careful, those fish are gonna be us.”

Eligor reached the edge of the lake, took a deep breath, and then delicately tried to place an armored stiletto into its depths. She let out a loud “yeow!” and pulled her foot away instantly. Her metal shoe was now red hot, and she instantly kicked it off her foot in a panic. The glowing metal landed on the brimstone with a sizzle as the fallen angel danced around, trying to ease the pain of her burn.

“That’s a no-go,” I sighed. “Todd, you can turn into other creatures, right? Could you turn into a stone golem or something?”

“Afraid not, bro,” the imp admitted. “I can only disguise myself as other humans. I can copy the voices of anything in the world, but I’m not quite at the point where I can shapeshift into anything.”

“What about the other succubi?” I suggested. “Tris or Gula or Sia might have something special about them that could help us in this situation.”

“I can’t think of anything off the top of my head,” Cupi answered. “I don’t see how necromancy or overpowered Hellfire or anything of that nature could be useful. Sia can heal people, but we’ve already seen that the Lake of Fire is stronger than our best healer.”

“What about Slothy’s necromancy?” Todd suggested. “She could kill a bunch of vargrats, bring them back to life, and then throw their bodies into the lake to make a bridge or some shit like that.”

“Not a bad idea,” Eligor said through a grimace, “but it wouldn’t work. They would dissolve in seconds, and the heat would still be too intense.”

“Then we’re out of options,” Cupiditas said somberly. “One of us is going to have to make the sacrifice play.”

“No!” I immediately shot back. “Nobody’s dying. Not on my watch.”

“There is no other way,” the blonde succubus reiterated. “You can cover yourself with your purple flames, and then I can fly you out to the island. If I move quick enough, I can surely get us there before … well, before I’m turned into nothing but ash and bone.”

“That’s not going to happen, Cupi,” I reiterated. “Even if I was on board with the whole ‘sacrificial’ plan, which I’m not, it wouldn’t work. Ira with all of her healing powers could only get halfway. You’d be toast before we even made it fifty feet offshore.”

“Wait … ” Todd interjected. “What was the second part of your plan, Cupi?”

The blonde succubus cocked her head curiously. “What?” she asked. “The part where I get roasted alive?”

“No, no,” Todd sighed. “The part about Jakey.”

“What? About him protecting himself with the purple flames?” she said as she tried again.

“That’s the one!” Todd clapped his hands together happily. “Why don’t you just fly Jakey over to the island, and he can use his purple fire on both of you?”

“That’s not a bad thought,” I admitted. “But it’d limit Cupi’s mobility, and she wouldn’t be able to fly. I haven’t figured out how to make my protective Hellfire fluid yet. If I had, I’d probably be wearing a whole suit of flaming armor into every battle.”

“That’d be bad-fucking-ass, bro,” Todd gasped. “We could call you ‘The Purple Knight’ and everything! You could be one of those badass mofos who goes around the kingdom avenging widows and maidens. Before fucking them, of course. Ya know? One of those big worldbreaker kinda dudes.”

“Worldbreaker … ” I trailed off as my mind began to ponder.

That was it. If we couldn’t pass over the flames of the Lake of Fire, we needed to move them.

And we could do that by breaking the world.

“What the fuck do we do now?” Eligor growled. “We can’t even sacrifice ourselves to make this happen. Lilith is going to have our heads for this. And probably your guys’ balls, as well.”

“Eligor,” I interrupted the knight, “what’s under us?”

“What do you mean?” she questioned. “It’s brimstone.”

“But for how deep?” I continued. “Are we talking a thin layer of topsoil? What?”

“I don’t understand … ” Eligor admitted with frustration in her voice.

I let out a deep sigh and instantly summoned bronze Hellfire into my hands. “Does this help?” I asked somewhat forcefully.

The lightbulb appeared to go off in Eligor’s head as she let out an understanding “ohhhhhh.”

“Are you gonna try and vibrate the entire lake, bro?” Todd gasped.

“It’s not for the Lake of Fire, Todd,” I explained and closed my eyes. “It’s for the ground underneath it.”

I started to think about all the injustices we’d seen back in the village. How people were forced to perform like trained monkeys for Azazel and his followers, and how all the ones who “lost” ended up on the receiving end of the most sadistic torture the King of the Fourth Circle could come up with. I also thought about how the citizens of the Fourth Circle were forced to use fucking rats as their only source of protein. Sure, they figured out how to make it work, but it was still goddamn rat meat.

As the injustices I’d encountered in the Fourth Circle passed through my mind, I began to feel a dull, almost pleasurable tingling in my temples. I heard Eligor gasp as I realized my horns must have been growing out of my head. I opened my eyes, and the radiant blue glow in my peripheral vision confirmed my suspicions.

“Oh my … ” Eligor gasped as she looked back and forth between my horns. “That size is… unexpected.”

“You haven’t seen anything yet,” I reassured the blonde knight with a wink. “Everybody hold on. This could get a little rocky.”

I raised my glowing bronze fist above my head, concentrated on what my magic needed to do, and then slammed my hand into the ground.

Instantly, the entire ground began to shake as if it were being hit by a six-point-oh magnitude Earthquake. The ground rumbled intensely as the fire in the lake danced chaotically before my eyes, but it wasn’t enough.

I needed to increase my power.

I closed my eyes once more, but this time I thought about everything I’d been through in the last two years. I’d literally survived battles between the forces of Heaven and Hell. I squared off with more deadly demons than I could even remember. I faced down an Archangel and lived to tell the tale. Sure, there’d been a lot of great things happening for Jacob Ralston in the last twenty-four months, but there’d been an awful lot of shitty things, as well.

I just wanted this to be over. I wanted to kill Azazel, take my place on his throne, and enjoy the rest of my life with the women I loved deeply. Every second I spent doing an intense mission or trying to take down Azazel’s minions was a second of my life I wasn’t relaxing by the pool or catching a matinee with my friends or making love to my succubi.

Talk about injustice.

I felt a surge of energy swell throughout my body as I re-opened my eyes and saw the bronze fire in my hand grow larger. I let out a primal roar as the ground shook harder, and the flames began to jump off the surface of the lake like they were affected by their own intensity.

Finally, there was a loud crack. Before me, the rocky ground split open and formed a crevice that seemed to have no end. The fire directly above the chasm tumbled down into the abyss into the darkness, and the flames from the surrounding area started to pour into the opening with the consistency of magma.

I released my spell and stood up to admire my handiwork.

My friends must have been hovering in the air behind me, because they fluttered down to my side.

“H-holy fuck,” Cupi stuttered.

“Holy fuck is right,” Eligor added. “I don’t think I could have done that if I’d tried. And I have environmental magic.”

We stood there and watched for nearly twenty minutes as all the fire from the lake drained into the crevice. The Lake of Fire must have been dozens of feet deep, because we were now standing over a huge crater in the brimstone that only had a thin layer of fire across its bottom. The intensity of the heat had dissipated in the air around us, so we all took a few steps closer. Now, even at the very edge of the lake shore, all I could feel was a dull throb of heat that was mildly uncomfortable at worst.

“There’s our island!” Cupi exclaimed happily as she pointed toward the horizon.

The succubus was right. There, far-off in the distance, was a part of the lake that was shaped like a massive pillar of stone. That would be our island.

Without another word, I felt Cupi’s body press against my back and lift me into the air. We zipped toward the island as fast as the succubus’ wings could carry us, and Todd and Eligor kept the pace at our side. Before long, we were over the promised land.

The island itself was no larger than a high-end condo, about one hundred feet long by one hundred feet wide. The island was completely bare, minus one horrific, gory feature.

Right at the far side of the platform sat a rather large, upside-down “L.” The upright portion of the structure was composed entirely of Shades skewered Vlad the Impaler style on a pointed wooden stake. The top of the “L” looked harmless enough, a simple wooden plank.

What made it terrifying were the ghastly figures that hung from it.

Attached to the “L” were three more Shades, each with their intestines ripped out of their abdomen and strung up around the post. They hung from their macabre execution and swung back and forth in the breeze.

The worst part? They were all still alive.

The hanged men moaned in agony as they swung back and forth in the breeze, their guts squishing and squelching as they moved.

The impaled Shades, on the other hand, didn’t make much noise. Rather, they simply whimpered in sorrow every time they moved in the slightest.

The whole scene made anger boil up from my very core. If I hadn’t already known Azazel was a cruel and sadistic fuck, this would have been the final nail in the coffin.

We landed on the ground, and I instantly approached the tortured Shades. I nearly gagged at the smell of rotting flesh and old, stale blood that assaulted my nose, but I persevered.

“What … what happened to you guys?” I asked as I tried to keep myself from dry-heaving.

The Shade on the bottom of the human totem pole, a muscular blond man with a full head of hair, spoke up first.

“W-we are the ones wh-who came for the Unhallowed Sword,” he moaned weakly.

“How the fuck did you guys get all the way out into the middle of the Lake of Fire?” Todd pondered aloud. “It took us forever to figure that shit out.”

“We didn’t,” another Shade, a lanky man with brown hair and green eyes, interjected. “We w-were br-brought here by… Him.”

“Azazel,” I said with a nod.

Instantly, all of the bodies on the “L” froze and began to make a gurgled hissing noise.

“Do not speak his n-name,” a third Shade argued. “We h-have been hum-humbled before his grace. No n-n-need to summon h-h-him here.”

“We’re not servants of Az … Him,” Eligor explained. “We’re here for the Unhallowed Sword.”

The human totem pole made another hissing noise.

“Lies!” the first Shade objected. “Y-you came out t-to tempt us. You were sent h-here by-by him to t-t-tempt us. We w-won’t give up the l-location of the sword. Honestly.”

“This is gonna be trickier than I thought,” I sighed. “What if I freed you? Would you believe I wasn’t working for the King of the Fourth Circle then?”

I took a step back, pressed the glowing hand tattoo on my bicep, and summoned forth Superbia.

The petite redheaded succubus appeared in the shimmer of the spell, and then she stepped out of the light.

Instantly, the Shades gasped in horror.

“It-it is a t-trick!” one of them groaned. “I recognize that s-s-succubus.”

“My name is Jacob Ralston,” I explained as I drew my goat-headed dagger from my belt. “I defeated Azazel on Earth Realm--”

“A m-mortal?” one of the Shades scoffed. “Defeat the Father of Warfare?”

“I know,” I admitted with a shrug. “I couldn’t believe it myself when it happened, either. But I did. And in the process, I’ve been stealing everything he owned up there. His succubi are mine. His cult is mine. Hell, even a bunch of the Earthly institutions he had an influence on are now mine. Long story short, I kicked Azazel’s ass, and I took everything he had up in the human world. Now, I’m here to take this sword and kill the fucker once and for all.”

The Shades stood there in silence as they pondered my words.

“I can vouch for this badass mother fucker right here,” Todd said as he slapped me on the back of the calf. “He’s got bigger cajones than a prize-winning boar.”

“That’s an oddly specific analogy,” I laughed as I raised an eyebrow at the imp.

“Have you seen the cajones on the boars at the State Fair, bro?” Todd shot back. “They’re bigger than my fucking head. No homo.”

“I don’t think you have to say ‘No Homo” if it’s an animal,” I said with a roll of my eyes.

“You can never be too safe, Jakey,” the imp reminded me. “Every day, men across America fall victim to the classic trap. Accidentally glance down in the locker room shower? No homo. Get bumped on the subway and fall back into another dude’s lap? No homo. It’s an epidemic, bro, and not one that I plan to be a part of any time soon.”

“Riggggghhhhtttt,” I muttered as I turned to Sia. “Here’s the deal, Superbia. I cut them down from here, and then you heal them up. Got it?”

The redhead nodded to confirm, and then I got to work.

I dashed over behind the first skewered man and drove my dagger into the flesh of his back. He let out a muffled scream as I slid the blade down his entire backside and warm blood spilled out at my feet, but I stayed the course. Finally, his body fell forward with a disgusting thud as his remaining guts threatened to spill out the giant opening in his back.

Sia didn’t waste another moment before she sprang into action. The redheaded succubus jumped over to the fallen man, called forth her golden Hellfire, and placed it against his back. Instantly, the massive wound was engulfed with a shimmer of gold, and it closed up on its own.

I continued up the pole, cutting down the remaining ten Shades and having Sia heal them as they fell. When I got to the hanged men, I quickly cut open their intestines with a slash of my dagger, and then the healer of our group worked her magic. I climbed down the pole, wiped my dagger off on my armor, and then put it back in its sheath.

“There,” I muttered. “Does that convince you? If I were working for the demon you’re all so afraid of, why would I have cut you down?”

“It certainly doesn’t make the island any bigger,” Todd grumbled as he pushed his way through the small crowd. “Now where’s this Unhallowed Sword? I’m not seeing anything on this island other than bodies and rocks.”

“That is the great irony of it all,” the blond Shade sighed. “We all went out looking for the sword, hoping to bring down our enslaver. But the Father of Warfare caught wind of our endeavors before we could even come close to locating the weapon. As punishment, he beat us to bloody pulps and brought us here to suffer for all eternity, right in the spot where the treasure was located.”

The blond man extended his finger toward the bloody “L” structure.

“It’s in there?” I asked as I felt my adrenaline begin to surge.

“Apparently,” the man explained. “There is some sort of enchantment that protects the sword and makes the wood around it impenetrable. The King of the Fourth Circle showed it to each of us when he brought us here, probably as some sort of twisted joke. He lit up the pole with Hellfire with us still attached, uttered some words in Latin, and then the Unhallowed Sword would appear.”

“Do you have any idea what he was saying?” Cupi demanded. “I kinda know my way around incantations, especially the Latin kind.”

“I distinctly heard the words ‘reveal,’ ‘sword,’ and ‘beholder’ in his spell,” the Shade sighed. “I tried to study it so I could repeat it and break free, but he always talked too fast, almost like he was speaking in tongues.”

“Satanic Gibberish,” Cupi exclaimed as she clapped her hands together. “I haven’t had a chance to do one of those in forever!”

“What is--” I began, but Todd cut me off with a wave of his hand.

“It’s a form of speaking in tongues developed by early followers of Lucifer,” he explained. “It was created to be an ‘unbreakable’ spell against ancient demon hunters. Buuuuttttt, that all went to shit in the time of the Romans, when Christianity became mainstream and suddenly you had government-sanctioned ‘magic users’ of the faith. It didn’t take ‘em too long to crack the code. It’s like you don’t read my blog at all, Jakey.”

“Of course I read your blog, Todd,” I lied through my teeth and turned to Cupi. “Do you have any idea what spell he would have used.”

“The words make me think of The Rite of Deception,” the fit blonde pondered.

“That would be too simple, even for someone as cocky as Azazel,” Eligor chimed in. “Maybe it was the Curse of Insidiousness?”

“That one seems too hard,” Todd sighed as he rapped his chin with his clawed finger. “What about Sight of the Unseen?”

“That’s too niche for Azazel,” Sia admitted. “You should try Shroud of Darkness, Cupiditas.”

“Am I the only one here who doesn’t know any Satanic Gibberish?” I laughed.

“Maybe, but I don’t fault you for it,” Cupi said with a playful wink. “I think our best bet would just be for me to try out as many as I can remember. Jacob, would you like to do the honors?”

I nodded to the succubus, summoned red Hellfire into my hand, and then launched it at the “L” structure. The wood caught fire instantly and started to snap, crackle, and pop as it smouldered.

Cupiditas walked over to the burning spire, placed her hands together in front of her body, and bowed her head. Then the succubus began to speak in tongues with the occasional recognizable Latin word thrown in every sentence or two. Her first attempt didn’t seem to work, and she let out a frustrated sigh before she started in again. Cupiditas went through another four spells, but nothing happened.

Finally, on her sixth attempt, the flames reacted.

As soon as Cupi uttered the word ‘sword’ in Latin, the red Hellfire turned a bright shade of green. It seemed to swirl around the post like an ectoplasmic tornado for a minute or two, and then the wooden post unraveled itself as if it were a banana peel.

“The Condemnation of the Protector,” she laughed and shook her head. “Of course.”

There, at the center of the gory pole, sat the Unhallowed Sword.

The weapon was unlike anything I’d ever seen in my life. It wasn’t silver or gray like a typical sword. Instead, it was made of some sort of pure black metal that looked like it was as dark as the night itself. At the base of the sword sat a crossguard shaped into two long, black, curved devil horns that curved about four inches up the blade. The hilt was just as jet-black as the rest of the weapon, save for the ruby-red diamond encrusted into a circle at the end of the weapon.

“Go ahead, Jacob,” Sia prodded as she motioned toward the blade. “It’s yours. Take it.”

The Unhallowed Sword glinted in the light as I stepped forward and wrapped my hand around its hilt. The instant I did so, I felt a surge of energy shoot through my body, almost as if the sword had fused itself with my very soul. I pulled the weapon from its hiding place and began to examine it.

It wasn’t as heavy as I was expecting. In fact, it was actually much, much lighter, almost weightless. Now that it was closer, I could see all of the engravings in the blade. All along the length of the weapon were carvings of pentagrams and the various pentacles of Solomon, with some rune-like letters every now and again.

If you took all of the heavy metal music on Earth and turned it into a weapon, this is probably what it’d look like.

“It fits you quite well,” Eligor mused as she watched me twirl the blade in my hand.

“I agree,” Cupi said coyly. “It’s almost as sexy as your warhammer.”

“Warhammer?” Todd spoke up. “Jakey doesn’t use a warhammer. He uses a dagger and a-- oooohhhhhh. The warhammer is his penis. Got it.”

“Something isn’t right,” Sia sighed as she scoured the air nervously. “That was too easy.”

“Easy?” I scoffed. “You call what we just went through ‘easy?’”

“Jacob, all of the legends of the Unhallowed Sword say that it’s guarded by Leviathan, the Great Dragon of Hell,” she warned.

I held out the Unhallowed Sword and pointed to the landscape around us. “Sia, there’s nothing around for miles,” I explained. “If there was a dragon, don’t you think we would have--”

The next thing I knew, my friends and I were knocked off our feet by a gust of downward wind. Above us, in the dark storm clouds, arose the sound of massive, beating wings. A shadow appeared in the darkness of the fog, a shadow nearly one-hundred feet long and about half as wide. As it grew closer, I could just make out its white, bony skin with razor-sharp spines jutting out of its back. The creature had a long, narrow snout and a skull with a triceratops-like shield on its forehead. It’s eyes were sunken deep into its skull, but they glowed a bright, evil red.

“That would be Levithan,” Sia said in horror.

“I fucking knew this was too easy, bro,” Todd sighed and summoned Hellfire into his hands.

Chapter 10

“What’s the situation on this thing, Sia?” I asked in a panic as I tightened my grip on the Unhallowed Sword and summoned Hellfire into my hands.

“Leviathan is the Great Dragon of Hell,” the redheaded succubus explained as she tried not to get swept away by the beat of the monster’s wings. “He’s insanely powerful, with scales thicker than the strongest armor and wings that bring down buildings when they beat.”

“I think we get that, Strawberry Shortcake!” Todd exclaimed.

The imp had surrounded himself with black Hellfire so he could fly,  but he was clinging onto the remains of the “L” structure for dear life as powerful gusts of wind tried to knock him loose.

Meanwhile, Eligor had used her elemental magic to cover her feet with rocks, and Cupi had her polearm stabbed securely into the ground. The Shades all around us flew off the island from the shockwave, but I was able to catch most of them with a barrier of purple fire.

I was somehow able to remain standing. The Unhallowed Sword was making a noise in my hand, a strange ringing sound like it was a tuning fork that had been struck and left to vibrate.

“We need to get out of here,” I ordered as I sheathed my sword and brought forth green Hellfire into my hands.

I quickly thought about all the things Azazel had done to these poor Shades. At the same time, I let all of the elements of my disgusting environment seep into my senses. The smell of putrid, rotting flesh was still high in the air, and I could feel the hot breath of the dragon as it barrelled down on us.

Immediately, I felt a blast of power shoot through my body, so I threw out my hands, pictured the rocky shore where we had come from, and cast my teleportation spell. My body became weightless for a second, and then I felt it crash down onto a stony surface. I forced my eyes open and saw all of us, Todd, the succubi, the Shades, and me, were all safely back where we started.

Off in the distance, Leviathan let out an earth-rattling roar.

“We don’t have much time before he figures out where we went,” I observed and leapt to my feet. “Is there anything we could use to bring this thing down? Any weaknesses? Any handy tricks or special weapons?”

“I- I don’t know,” Sia admitted. “Leviathan is a creature that is often heard, not seen. But I am confident we can defeat him. He may be a creature spawned from the very depths of Hell, but as we’ve discovered, anything can be killed if you try hard enough.”

“Then we’ll need to try our damndest.” I grinned with a nod. “I think I have a plan, guys.”

“Good,” Todd sighed. “Because the only plan I have right now is the one where I try to figure out how to not shit my pants.”

“First things first,” I explained, “we need to weaken Leviathan down enough that Sia’s black Hellfire will work on him. But first, we need a distraction.”

The blond Shade stepped forward. “I’ll do it,” he volunteered. “We’ll all do it.”

I raised my eyebrow at the man curiously. “Are you sure?” I asked. “If Leviathan catches you … ”

“We’re already dead, my friend,” the Shade chuckled. “If he catches us, it’ll hurt like a bitch, but we’ll be fine. Besides, we owe you a great deal of gratitude for saving us from our eternal punishment.”

“Alright, so the Shades will act as bait,” I continued. “Cupi, I hate to ask this of you, but I need you on the front lines. Your freezing spell will be the perfect counter to his fire breath or whatever sort of shit he has.”

“Don’t apologize,” Cupi said with a grin. “I love a good battle.”

“Sia and Todd.” I turned to the redhead and the imp. “While Leviathan is distracted, I want you to throw everything you’ve got at him. Fireballs, boulders, water spells, fuck, piss on him if you have to. Just keep him away from the real target.”

“Which is?” Eligor questioned curiously.

“Us,” I said as I put my hand on her soft arm. “I need you to fly me up onto the creature. There’s got to be a chink in his armor somewhere. And if there’s not, I’ll fucking make one.”

“I’m not sure if that will--” the blonde knight began to protest, but then a mighty roar shook the ground.

“No time to argue,” I shouted. “Battle stations, everyone!”

My teammates and I dashed off in multiple directions and left the Shades standing in a small, obvious crowd. Eligor, Sia, and I went left while Todd and Cupi went right.

Suddenly, Leviathan’s massive, slithery form was upon us.

The Shades began to throw up their hands in the air and wave them wildly to attract the dragon’s attention. As soon as Leviathan got a little closer, they scattered across the rocky terrain like a group of billiard balls that’d just been broken.

Leviathan snapped his gargantuan jaws down onto one of the Shades, who screamed as he was lifted up into the air, shook around violently, and then tossed to the ground.

The Shade was still alive, but his entire bottom half was now hanging helplessly from his torso, connected only by the remnants of his spine.

Leviathan snapped down at another fleeing Shade, and we saw our opportunity arise.

Eligor summoned forth her dark black angel wings, zipped around behind me, and lifted me into the air gracefully. Then the knight and I darted up into the clouds, and we were instantly surrounded by fluffy black mist.

The haze was cold and damp against my face, and it was nearly impossible to see even a few feet in front of us.

Lucky for us, we had an elemental magic user on our team.

“Hold tight,” Eligor commanded as she released her right hand’s grip on my arm.

I saw a flash of lime green light as my weight shifted to her left arm, and we fell a bit in the air. Then the clouds around us froze, and the particles of mist lit up like fireflies as they floated to the side and revealed the scene below us.

Leviathan was shooting through the air similar to the way a crocodile would swim effortlessly through the water. His wings produced visible shockwaves with each movement they made, and the Shades on the ground went tumbling to the earth each time the muscles rippled on his bony appendages.

Sia was standing on the far left of the beast with her feet planted firmly on the ground. She was launching red fireball after red fireball at Leviathan, but they seemed to only be minor inconveniences to the dragon.

On the other hand, Todd was doing what he seemed to be best at in life: getting under people’s skin. He shot around the beast like an annoying gnat, and he launched tiny fireballs at its head at point-blank range before he zipped off to plan his next assault.

Cupi was floating about one-hundred feet in front of the creature on her black angel wings, and she almost looked disappointed that Leviathan wasn’t focused solely on her. She launched a few fireballs at the dragon, but he was too focused on Todd and the Shades to even notice.

Finally, Leviathan whipped his neck backward and took in a deep breath. As he inhaled, it almost looked like he was charging up. The crimson sparks of red Hellfire danced off his body like jumping fleas, and the very tips of his spines changed from bony white to a deep, mystical red glow.

Then the monster tossed his head forward and released death on the Shades below.

A tidal wave of white-hot flames, surrounded by the ectoplasmic glow of red Hellfire, shot out of the dragon’s mouth and lit up the ground. The Shades screamed in agony, and Sia quickly tossed up a spell of golden flames around herself. When the beast finally released his spell, there was nothing left but a pile of charred bodies that writhed in pain as they tried to stop, drop, and roll.

And Superbia.

The redheaded woman stood defiantly above the bodies of the fallen, completely unharmed.

Seeing someone survive his normally-fatal blast must have angered the dragon, because Leviathan stopped paying attention to Todd. Instead, he turned his head slowly, stared down at Superbia, and let out an inhuman hiss as he moved downward.

“He’s completely distracted!” I pointed out to my single-seat airliner. “Drop me!”

Eligor’s hands released their grip, and I felt my body become heavier than a box of rocks as I plummeted toward the spiny back of the dragon.

I tightened my grip on the Unhallowed Sword as I fell, and I used my free hand to summon my bronze Hellfire of Judgement. The wind roared in my ears as it whipped past my head and rustled up my brown locks. I briefly wondered if my horns would snap off from the wind resistance against them, but I couldn’t possibly be falling that fast, could I?

Before I could ponder the question any further, I realized I was closing in on Leviathan fast. I extended my enchanted hand, blasted a beam of bronze fire directly into the dragon’s back, and lifted the Unhallowed Sword above my head.

It was time to see how well this thing was gonna work in battle.

Leviathan roared with surprise when the spell smashed into his back, and then I was upon him.

I slammed the black blade of the Unhallowed Sword between his shoulder blades, right where his spinal cord should have been located.

Much to my surprise, the tip of the sword hit the dragon’s back, bounced off his tough hide, and spun out of my hands and into the dark clouds.

The impact knocked the wind out of my lungs and sent me tumbling across the creature’s rough back. I caught myself when I lashed out and grabbed onto one of his massive white spines, and my momentum came to a crashing halt. I put my head on a swivel as I searched the cloudy sky for the missing blade, but it was nearly impossible to find the jet-black metal against the darkened sky.

Leviathan whipped his head back once again as the tips of his spines began to glow, and then he approached a fleeing figure on the ground.

Sia.

The monster threw his head forward and unleashed his fiery blast at the succubus.

From below, Sia threw another healing spell around herself.

However, she didn’t need it.

Right at the last minute, a massive, intense wave of blue Hellfire crashed into Leviathan’s blaze and snuffed it out like an enchanted fire extinguisher.

I looked up as the dragon raised his head and saw Cupi hanging above our position with a large, shit-eating grin on her face. Her entire body was aglow with blue Hellfire, and her violet eyes were more piercing than normal.

The beast roared angrily and blasted at the succubus with another round of Hellfire breath.

This time, she was already prepared.

Cupi clapped her hands in front of her body and shot forward a beam of blue magic three times the size of her figure. It illuminated the dark sky as it rocketed through the air and collided with the dragon’s breath, and the surrounding area turned into a canvas of purple.

“Pretty badass, huh?” Todd’s voice asked out of nowhere. “I think you dropped this.”

I turned to see the imp hovering beside me, and his body was still aglow with mystical black Hellfire. In his hands, the imp was holding the Unhallowed Sword, and I couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of Todd with a sword nearly twice his size. He held it out a little wobbly, and I snatched it out of his tiny mitts.

“Thanks, bro,” I chuckled. “Some magic sword this is. Maybe it’s just for cutting locks.”

“Did you light it first?” Todd asked pointedly. “Please tell me you didn’t forget to light it first.”

“No … ” I admitted. “I figured it would do all the damage on its own. It’s called the Unhallowed Sword, for crying out loud!”

“You have so much to learn, Jakey boy,” Todd said with a click of his tongue. “By now I woulda figured you realized everything Demonic runs on Hellfire, bro. It’s the lifeblood of this whole place. Kinda like coffee back on Earth. No Hellfire? No go.”

Cupi and Leviathan’s fire beam struggle continued, with neither party really gaining an advantage on the other. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a massive, lime-green chunk of brimstone hurtling through the sky. It struck Leviathan with a giant crash in the side of the head, and the dragon grunted as his skull was whipped to the side and Cupi’s fire crashed into his face.

As the monster’s figure spun around in the sky, all I could do was tighten my grip and hold on for dear life. Todd zipped off into the clouds, and the Unhallowed Sword was extended behind me like a shotput about to be launched.

My vision started to go blurry as my brain rattled around against the inside of my skull, but then we finally came to a stop. I shook my head to try and dispel the dizziness, and then I pulled myself into a crouching position.

Leviathan now hovered in the air as Cupi, Todd, and Eligor darted around his head and occasionally blasted him with Hellfire. On the surface, they weren’t doing much damage. Then again, they weren’t trying to.

They were just trying to keep the creature distracted long enough for me to make my move.

Todd said the Unhallowed Sword worked better when it was enchanted. All I needed to do was light this thing up.

I shakily stood to my feet, held out the black sword in front of me, and summoned red Hellfire into my hands. As I ran my burning palm across the blunt end of the blade, the carvings in the sword began to glow intensely. A high-pitched, vibration-like noise filled the air around me, and it was almost as if the sword itself had been awoken from a centuries-long slumber.

Finally, once all of the carvings, letters, and insignias were illuminated, the Unhallowed Sword caught on fire.

But these embers weren’t like the ones that normally danced on my blade. This Hellfire was a deep, dark ruby, almost as black as the sword itself. Yet, despite its shadowy appearance, the flames glowed with the luminescence of a miniature sun, and the dark sky around me lit up with the blade’s radiance as I prepared to strike.

I probably was only going to have one shot at this, so I had to make it count. It’d already been established that the dragon’s hide was too thick to pierce. Even if this thing were to cut through his scaly flesh, it wasn’t long enough to reach his heart or his brain or anything too vital. I was about halfway down the dragon’s back, and I surveyed his body for any damage I could do with my limited time.

The wings.

Leviathan’s wings were incredibly massive, but they were connected to his body by an appendage only about double the width of a human body. It would take quite the effort, but it was the only chance we had of evening the odds.

This was it. The second I let go of the spine on Leviathan’s back, there was nothing to keep me from being thrown off onto the rocky ground below. Even if I was lucky enough to miss the rocks, the Lake of Fire itself would burn me into a crisp.

Then there was the fact that this might not even work. The Unhallowed Sword hadn’t been strong enough to break Leviathan’s skin, even with the help of my bronze fire. For all I knew, the blade could bounce off again and be lost to the fiery depths of the lake.

But I had to do something.

I tightened my grip on the sword, took a deep breath, and let go of the spine. I stepped toward the creature’s left wing and then nearly fell when his body jerked to the side suddenly. I righted my body at the last minute, gripped both hands around the hilt of the Unhallowed Sword, and swung it as hard as I could at the green flesh of Leviathan.

This time, the enchanted blade sliced through the dragon’s skin like butter. Then the massive wing twisted awkwardly in the air as it fell away from the dragon’s body and left nothing but a cauterized stump.

Leviathan unleashed an ungodly shriek of pain, and then his entire right side jerked downward.

I reached out for something, anything, to grab, but it was useless. I was tossed from the dragon’s back as he plummeted toward the ground, and it was all I could do to throw down a wall of purple flames to catch myself. I slammed into the violet barrier, hard, and then groggily pulled myself back up to my feet.

Below, Leviathan had gone into a complete tailspin, guided by his singular remaining wing. The severed appendage fell through the sky until it finally landed in the Lake of Fire with a sizzle. The dragon’s lost wing rested at the lake’s surface for a second before it caught fire and sank into the depths.

Meanwhile, the creature himself smashed into the rocky brimstone about half a mile away from the lake’s shore. Debris sprayed upward as he collided with the ground, and a massive cloud of dust rose into the air and obscured him from my view.

“You think we got him?” Todd asked curiously as he, Eligor, and Cupi fluttered to my side.

“I think I hobbled him, at the very least.” I shrugged. “But there’s no way that fall killed him.”

“I agree,” Eligor added, “but now we will at least have a chance to finish him off on our terms.”

Cupi swooped around, wrapped her arms under my armpits, and lifted me up into the air.

“That was pretty fucking cool back there,” I mused to the blonde succubus as we descended.

“Yeah, Cupi,” Todd giggled. “You totally just went all Mr. Freeze on that thing. All that was missing were the terrible ice puns.”

“I’ll be sure to do one next time,” Cupi promised coyly.

We lowered ourselves down on the ground about two hundred feet away from the edge of the dust cloud. Sia was nearby, and she was using her golden Hellfire to heal our fallen allies.

“That was quite the show,” the redheaded succubus chuckled as we approached.

“It’s not over yet,” I acknowledged as I nodded to the cloud of dust. “We’re just getting ready for round two.”

“Do you have a plan?” Superbia asked curiously.

“Of course my boy Jakey has a plan,” Todd scoffed. “Uhhh. Right?”

“I have one,” Eligor admitted. “That sword can cut through Leviathan’s flesh, no?”

I confirmed her question with a nod.

“It can, but it’s not long enough to reach any of his vital organs from the surface,” I sighed.

“It doesn’t have to be,” the knight explained. “His eyes, ears, and nostrils are all exposed. Maybe we can completely cripple him?”

“That’s not a terrible idea,” I admitted, “but how the fuck am I going to get close enough to--”

Before I could finish my sentence, the ground began to quake underneath our feet. The roar of Leviathan cut through the dust cloud, just as the particles of the cloud started to settle. Suddenly, the monster’s enormous figure blasted through the remaining dust and charged at us with deadly speed.

Even from all the way over here, I could tell Leviathan was through playing games. He was moving with purpose, and his mouth and spines were already beginning to glow as he charged up his Hellfire.

“Leave the restraining to me,” Eligor roared as she charged at the beast. “You just have the Unhallowed Sword ready. Oh, and try to keep up!”

Even in the midst of battle, I couldn’t help but smile at the knight’s playful banter. Todd, Cupi, and Sia all followed Eligor into battle, and I was right behind them.

Once the dragon was within firing distance, he unleashed his white-hot fire in our direction.

Each member of my team reacted differently.

I summoned forth a massive shield of purple flames in front of our position, and the dragon’s Hellfire wrapped around it furiously. I felt the simmering heat of the attack as it flew over my head and both of my sides, but my barrier held.

Just in case it didn’t, Sia stood by my side with her healing spell at the ready. The petite succubus had her brow furrowed with determination as she watched the flames dance up and over my shield, and my heart couldn’t help but soften at just how adorable she looked. Like a kitten that was trying to portray itself as a ferocious hunter.

Todd was beside me, as well. The imp was down on his knees, reciting off every single terrible thing he’d ever done in his life. We were both already in Hell, but I didn’t have the heart nor the time to stop his impromptu confession.

Meanwhile, Eligor and Cupi had taken to the sky. Both of the blonde women activated their spells in unison, and the sky lit up with bright green and blue flames.

The Sister of Greed’s spell struck Leviathan directly in the mouth and extinguished his flames instantly. As the blonde succubus held her assault, the brimstone around the dragon was engulfed with lime green fire. The rocky landscape began to twist and crumble, and then two long, rocky tendrils shot up out of the ground and wrapped themselves around the monster’s body. The glowing green tendrils slammed Leviathan to the ground, and the monster let out a grunt of annoyance.

“Go, now!” I ordered as I released my barrier.

The three of us dashed toward the trapped beast as he struggled to break free of his magical prison.

Todd got there first. He hovered up to Leviathan’s left eyeball, summoned forth red Hellfire into his fist, and hauled back.

“Falcon punch!” he cackled as he brought his hand forward and struck the dragon in the soft flesh of his eye.

Leviathan shrieked and tried to blast his Hellfire, but Cupi’s spell held it back.

I ducked underneath the blue beam of magic, slid across the rocky ground, and then came up with my sword at the ready. Instantly, I jabbed the pointy end of the Unhallowed Sword into the beast’s right eye. As I pulled the weapon out of Leviathan’s eye socket, his entire eyeball came with it.

The orb made a wet shlock as it exited his head, and there was a quick spray of gore as I yanked it free of its retina.

This attack must have done way more damage than Todd’s, because this time Leviathan let out an eardrum-shattering wail. At the same time, he pushed his body up with all of his weight, and the remnants of Eligor’s restraints flew into the air.

Leviathan was free.

The monster roared as he swung his head to the right and smashed it into my body.

The impact from the attack sent me tumbling across the rocky ground at breakneck speed. As I rolled like a ragdoll, I could feel the jagged brimstone of the terrain tearing at my face. I threw up a wall of purple to halt my momentum, and a wave of pain shot up my body as I crashed into it. Warm blood was now oozing down my face, and there was a sensation in my ribs that somehow felt numb and tender all at the same time.

I limped over to the Unhallowed Sword, picked it up, and turned back toward my opponent.

Leviathan was still in the exact same spot he’d been standing, but he was now going ballistic. The dragon was whipping his head back and forth as he sprayed Hellfire around him without rhyme or reason. He was literally attacking blind.

Cupi was trying to counteract Leviathan’s Hellfire with her own freezing spell, but he was moving so fast she couldn’t anticipate the creature’s next move.

I needed to finish this, and I needed to finish it now.

The only thing that could do any sort of damage to the creature was the enchanted sword in my hand, but that wasn’t going to do the trick. As useful as the sword was, it could only do so much against a beast of this size.

Then I remembered the Lake of Fire. Leviathan’s severed wing had caught fire and melted in its flames just like any other regular object.

But how would we get a blind dragon to follow us into the lake?

Then it dawned on me.

We didn’t necessarily need to get Leviathan into the lake. We needed to get the lake to Leviathan.

I ran as quickly as I could back over to the scene of the battle, and I dispelled the occasional blast of Hellfire with purple flames as I moved. When I was finally close enough to my friends, I motioned for them to retreat to my position.

“What’s the deal, Jacob?” Sia asked as she arrived.

“Yeah, bro,” Todd added when he appeared, “why’re you making us run away? I was totally kicking his ass, bro.”

“We were hitting him,” Eligor explained, “but we were far from ‘kicking his ass.’ Most of our attacks were little more than punches from a toddler to Leviathan.”

Cupi was the last one to arrive, and I threw up a large protective barrier in front of us the second she was near.

“I have a plan,” I announced. “Like, a legitimate plan. One that I’m ninety percent sure will work. But I’ll need you, Cupi. You and Libidine.”

“Understood,” Sia said with a nod. “Good luck, Jacob.”

I pressed the tattoo on my shoulder, and Superbia was sent back to Earth Realm. A second later, I touched the image of the glowing violet eye on my shoulder, and the figure of Libidine appeared in a flash.

“How are things go--holy shit!” the dark-haired succubus gasped when she saw Leviathan. “Is that … ”

“It’s Leviathan,” I confirmed. “And I need your help to kill him.”

Libidine’s body was rigid with fear, but she quickly composed herself and forced her face to contort into an expression of determination.

“What are we going to do?” she asked with a trembling voice.

“You and I are going to use our telekinetic flames to bring the Lake of Fire to this oversized lizard,” I explained. “But it’s going to take everything I’ve got, and I’ll have to release my protective spell. That’s where the rest of you come in. Eligor and Cupi, once my spell is released, you’re our only line of defense against Leviathan and the literal Lake of Fire.”

Both of the blonde women looked at each other somberly, turned to me, and nodded their heads.

“Alright,” I announced. “Let’s do this. Ready?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Libidine admitted.

Liby and I both stepped slightly away from the group, and then we summoned green Hellfire to our hands in unison. The second we did so, our protective barrier fell, and Cupi and Eligor began to defend.

The blonde knight lifted up tendrils of brimstone with her elemental magic, while Cupi blasted the incoming fire with her freezing spell.

As much as I didn’t want to look away, I had to trust my friends. So, I closed my eyes and began to summon up all of the disgust and envy I could muster. Azazel was the creator of all this bullshit. He was the one who tortured all of those innocent Shades. He was the one who decided to have a fucking dragon guard the one thing in this Circle that could free Invidia and end him once and for all.

And where was the King of the Fourth Circle? Probably sitting in his castle, eating grapes while he checked in on Earth Realm and all of the shit I’d stolen from him. Or maybe he was at another tournament, watching a group of poor Shades brutalize each other for his own entertainment. No matter what Azazel was doing, it was too good for his sorry ass.

The whole situation was disgusting, and that was exactly what I needed right now.

I felt my body become weightless as it was lifted up into the air by the power of my spell. Then I tried to visualize the Lake of Fire in my mind. I pictured its bubbly texture, with its geysers of red and orange flames as it radiated the heat of a thousand suns. Then I pictured Leviathan, with his spiny figure and nasty white flesh.

“It’s working, bro!” I heard Todd exclaim. “There’s a portal opening up over Leviathan and everything! He’s totally not gonna know what hit him.”

I closed my eyes tighter and continued to picture the dragon in my head, along with the flames from the Lake of Fire. A power like I’d never felt before surged through my body, and the sound of the Unhallowed Sword’s vibration was now piercing through my eardrums like a shrill alarm.

“Boom shakalaka!” Todd cackled. “Here comes the thunder!”

I finally opened my eyes and saw Libidine and I had opened a portal above the creature nearly a mile in diameter.

Fire began to drip down from the emerald opening like honey on a hot day, and a few tiny drops hit Leviathan as they fell.

The dragon roared in pain, but the worst was yet to come. Seconds later, the dam seemed to burst, and a cascade of white-hot Hellfire rained down onto his position.

The only problem? His position was also ours.

“Keep holding the portal open!” Cupi commanded as she stepped forward and summoned blue Hellfire into her hands. “I’ll keep us safe.”

The blonde succubus’ body was instantly engulfed with her blue magic as she turned her head to the incoming flames. Cupi clapped her hands together, shot a large beam of her freezing spell into the air, and then spread out her hands so it formed a dome around the five of us.

At the same time, Eligor used her elemental magic to pull up tendrils of brimstone and wrap them over Cupi’s barrier. There was a loud sizzling noise as the brimstone was melted, but the makeshift barrier seemed to be holding.

Leviathan, on the other hand, wasn’t so lucky.

The dragon let out an uncharacteristic squeal as the wave of fire landed directly on his flesh and seared it from his bones. He flailed and thrashed as he tried to toss the flames from his body, but it was no use. The fucker was being hit with the entire Lake of Fire. Finally, after a few seconds of agony, the creature’s howls went silent.

“Cut it off!” I ordered Libidine.

We both released our green Hellfire, and then collapsed to the ground, exhausted.

Cupi and Eligor held their ground for another few minutes, and then finally removed the barrier when the coast was clear.

“I still want to know how the fuck you do that, Cupi,” Todd whistled.

The blonde succubus shrugged. “I’ve noticed all of our powers have been growing stronger lately,” she explained. “Our connection must be at near-inseparable levels. What I did there? That was just the tip of the iceberg.”

Todd’s eyes widened as a huge grin spread across his face. He raised his tiny, clawed finger into the air and opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a shocked wheeze.

“D-did you just--” he stuttered. “Was that an ice pun?”

Cupi smiled, winked at the imp, and then turned around to survey the scene.

Leviathan was literally gone. There was not a single sign of the dragon left. No bones, no flesh, and not even any viscera or gore. His entire body had melted into an ashy puddle.

Meanwhile, the extra Hellfire from the lake had burned its way through the brimstone around us. Now, my friends and I were standing on a small island at the far side of an even smaller Lake of Fire. The healed Shades were just off in the distance, and they all stared at us with their mouths hung open in awe.

“Holy fuck, we did it,” I sighed. “We killed Leviathan, and we got the Unhallowed Sword.”

“Which means--” Cupi began.

“Which means there’s only one step left,” I said as I felt the adrenaline surge in my veins. “We have to save Invidia and kill Azazel.”

I tried to stand to my feet, but the exhaustion and the pain that roared throughout my body wouldn’t allow it. I fell to my knees and propped myself up with my sword. As I looked up, I felt Cupi’s tender hand against my face.

“You’re in no condition to fight Azazel, my love,” the blonde succubus mused. “None of us are. I suggest we rest for a while, and then we can begin the final leg of our journey.”

My eyes now felt ridiculously heavy.

“Wh-where are we going to rest?” I asked. “We can’t just lie down here in the middle of the Fourth Circle. Even with Eligor’s bunker, they’re surely looking for us now.”

“We have other options,” Cupi continued. “The First Circle, perhaps?”

“Yeeeahhhh,” Todd interjected. “I second that. Plato was such a fun guy! Not to mention, I wanna go back to that sweet arcade. Plus, they have actual Earth food there. Like, real life Earth food!”

“Alright, then,” I said with a small nod. “Let’s pay our friend Plato a little visit. Then, we can figure out how to end that fucker Azazel once and for all.”

Chapter 11

“How are we going to make it back to the First Circle?” Libidine asked groggily. “I don’t know about you guys, but I can barely walk. Teleporting all that Hellfire really took it out of me. And look at you! You’re nursing your ribs like they’re broken.”

“I’ve had worse,” I joked, even though the pain in my side was now searing. “We can fast-travel, remember?”

“Bro,” Todd whispered into my ear. “I can’t even remember what I ate for breakfast this morning. I doubt she remembers all that shit back at the start of our journey.”

The imp was right. We’d only come to Hell two days ago, but it felt like we’d been down here for ages. Things like meeting Charon, staying with Plato, and fighting the Daeva were more like distant memories, no more real than the Shades that occupied the different Circles.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the small, gold coin that we’d been given by the ferryman of Hell, Charon. It may have just been a small trinket, but it was one of the most powerful objects in the universe. According to Charon himself, this coin was the thing that allowed people to travel through the different Circles of Hell without issue. He also claimed the object had the ability to recall people back to the circles they had already completed.

Todd had made the snarky comment it was just like a video game, but he wasn’t wrong.

“I’m still not one-hundred percent sure how to use this thing,” I admitted as I rolled the coin around in my hand like a magician doing a sleight of hand trick. “Do I just order it to take us back, or … ”

“What about the Shades?” Cupi asked curiously and pointed to the men we had saved from the Lake of Fire. “We can’t just leave them here.”

“Unfortunately, that’s exactly what we have to do,” Eligor argued. “Shades cannot leave their respective Circles, even with the help of purple Hellfire magic.”

“It’s alright,” the blonde Shade we had rescued said somberly as they approached us. “You’ve done enough for us, my friend. We are going to stay in our Circle and spread the word about your great deeds here today. Maybe if the denizens of the Fourth Circle hear that somebody is challenging Azazel’s throne, they will be encouraged to rise up and fight back against our demonic oppressor.”

“I like this guy, Jakey,” Todd mused as he pointed to the Shade. “Viva la Revolution!”

“I don’t think we ever got your name,” I noted as I limped forward and extended my hand to the Shade.

“Well, in Azazel’s world, my name is Tybalt. Like the character in Romeo and Juliet,” he sighed. “But in my time on Earth I was known as Daniel.”

“Nice to meet you, Daniel.” I smiled as I shook the Shade’s hand. “My name is Jacob Ralston, and these are my friends Cupi, Liby, Eligor, and Todd.”

“The pleasure is all ours, Jacob Ralston,” Daniel promised. “If it were not for you, we would still be gored on that post for all eternity. We are forever indebted to you. Right, guys?”

The other five Shades let out a cheer in unison and lifted their hands into the air.

“Oooooohhhhh boy,” Todd giggled and rubbed his hands together. “We got a bunch of violent revolutionaries on our side now. This is like a dream come true!”

“We will go and tell people what happened here today,” Daniel promised. “Hopefully, the next time we see you, our numbers will be ten times what they are now.”

“I look forward to it,” I said as I gave the Shade a salute. “Until next time.”

“Until next time,” the blond shade reiterated. “Thank you, Jacob Ralston.”

Daniel turned around, and then the group of Shades began their journey across the desolate plains of the Fourth Circle.

No sooner than they had walked away, and I felt a sharp jolt of pain blast up my side. It was way more intense than it had been earlier, and I fell to my knees in agony.

“We need to get Sia down here immediately!” Libidine gasped.

“I’ll go,” Cupi suggested. “The fight is over for now. I’ll head back and get some rest before we make our final assault on Azazel’s castle.”

I nodded through my grimace and weakly reached up to my bicep. I pressed on the dark angel wings, and Cupiditas disappeared in a flash of brilliant white light. The world began to spin around me, and I quickly moved down my arm, pushed my finger against the healing hand tattoo, and then … darkness.

I remembered feeling the impact of the ground against my body as I collapsed, and all three of my friends gasping my name. I vaguely remembered the feeling of the warm blood that pooled inside my armor and ran down my leg, coating my pants with gore as it did so.

Then, there was nothing.

Maybe this was it. Maybe Levithan’s blows had done more damage than I thought. Was this where Jacob Ralston’s story came to an end? Before I could even get to my arch-nemesis or save the Sister of Envy? As my eyes fluttered shut, I started to wonder.

The next thing I knew, I felt a warming sensation overtake my whole body. It wasn’t the sort of fiery feeling that’d been aching in my ribs for so long, but rather one that was dull and comforting. Little by little, I felt my energy return to me, but I was still way too groggy to move.

“Get him to the portal,” I heard Superbia’s voice command, and then I was lifted off the ground by a pair of hands.

I felt a tiny set of mitts against my back, and I realized that must have been Todd.

Everyone was pulling their weight to get me back to safety.

The next few minutes were hazy, but I remembered seeing a purple portal open up a few feet in front of us, and then I remembered passing through its elegant glow.

Finally, I passed out completely.

“I think he’s waking up,” I heard Libidine’s voice say exasperatedly some time later.

I forced my eyes open slowly and saw I was now inside of a rocky, brimstone-covered cave. The pain in my side had completely evaporated, as had the burning cuts on my face and arms. My armor had also been peeled off me and laid in a pile across the room, and it was replaced by a simple dark robe I recognized immediately.

It was the same robe my cultists wore.

I sat up on the couch and looked around. There was a large box television directly across from the couch I was laying on, as well as a bookshelf full of books that looked to be hundreds or thousands of years old. Across the room, a small camping stove sat on a plateaued rock formation, right next to a table carved out of brimstone.

Todd, Eligor, and a man in a fancy three-piece suit all sat at the table and chatted seriously.

Plato. We were in Plato’s cave.

Before I could process everything that was going on, Libidine wrapped her arms around my body.

“Thank heavens you’re alright!” she said through tears. “Sia healed you up, but we were all worried she was too late.”

“I’m alright, Liby,” I promised the succubus as I patted her tenderly on the back. “I wasn’t gonna die without saying goodbye.”

“Mr. Ralston!” Plato’s booming voice called from across the room. “Good to see you again. How are you feeling, my boy?”

Libidine released me from her embrace, and I stood up and stretched sleepily.

“I feel great,” I admitted. “But honestly, I’m just happy to be alive. Leviathan was no joke.”

The man with the dark beard nodded thoughtfully. “So I’d imagine,” he mused. “If we’re being honest with each other, I didn’t expect you to get past the Third Circle. No one has ever faced Vermis and lived to tell the tale. But to kill both Vermis and Leviathan? You truly are something special, Jacob.”

“So I’ve been told,” I joked. “Maybe our adventures can be the subject of your next work.”

The old philosopher let out a chuckle. “Perhaps,” he said. “Though my work has changed since my days on Earth Realm. I’m not sure you’d want to be the subject of it now.”

“You’re not writing philosophy anymore?” Todd gasped. “Everybody has to learn the great works of Play-Doh in school.”

“I’ve been in Hell for thousands of years, my little red friend.” Plato shrugged, completely ignoring the mispronunciation. “After the first thousand years or so, I started to grow tired of philosophy and political theory. Sure, I’ll always value my original works, but I’ve moved on to things a little more … accessible.”

“Like what?” I asked. “History? PhD level literature? Scientific theory?”

“Much, much more accessible than that,” the bearded man chuckled. “Let’s just leave it at that. I use a pen name nowadays, anyway.”

“It’s historical erotic fan-fiction, isn’t it?” Todd interjected.

Plato’s face turned red as he shot the imp an annoyed look.

“N-no!” he argued. “I’d never go to that level of--”

“I found the manuscript of your first draft on your dresser,” the imp said with a hint of “gotcha” in his voice. “There’s no judgement here, bro. Different strokes for different folks, I always say.”

“That wasn’t ready yet … ” Plato protested as he looked at the floor. “It was just a draft.”

“It was a good draft,” Todd admitted. “That thing you have between Nefertiti and Susan B. Anthony? I was moved to tears, bro. It might just be your best work since Symposium.”

“You really think so?” the philosopher asked like a bashful child.

“Totally,” Todd admitted. “When you’re all done, let me sneak a copy of this back up to Earth Realm and promote it on my show. You’re gonna be even more famous than you already are!”

“Can we get back to business here?” Eligor sighed. “Not that I don’t want to talk about historical erotica and all that.”

“Fine by me,” I agreed. “Where’d Superbia go?”

“Oh, Sister Superbia left right after we got here,” Libidine explained. “After she healed you all up and we put you to rest, we sent her on a very, very important mission.”

“A mission?” I questioned the succubi as my heart sank into my stomach. “You sent Sia on a mission without us? What were you thinking?”

“I tried to stop them,” Eligor said with a shrug. “I said we didn’t have time for tomfoolery and that we needed to head straight for Azazel’s castle, but nope.”

“Liby,” I implored. “Where did Sia go?”

Suddenly, Libidine, Todd, and Plato all burst out into fits of laughter.

“We just sent her back to the surface, bro,” Todd promised. “She isn’t in any danger. But we’re all gonna be if she doesn’t complete her mission pretty soon here. I could eat one of those whatchamacallits? A dung beetle?”

“A Skarbeetle,” Eligor corrected. “And trust me, those are not for eating. I tried that once, when I was starving and desperate. I was ill for weeks.”

“So wait … ” I pondered aloud. “You sent Sia for food?”

Todd stood up on the stool he had been sitting on and began to make a sound like a game show bell. “That’s right, Jakey boy,” he laughed. “We were starving, so we sent Strawberry Shortcake on a food run.”

“Is she at the mall, or--” I started, but the imp cut me off with a wave of his hand.

“Nah, bro,” he explained. “We weren’t gonna take a chance of having hair in our food or having it be the wrong texture or any of that ‘bait and switch’ shit the First Circle likes to pull. Also, minor correction, we sent her back to Earth to tell Gula to go on a food run. She’s the culinary expert, after all.”

“She’s been gone for nearly two hours now,” Plato explained. “She’s probably ready to be called back.”

I pressed my finger against the flaming battle axe tattoo on my arm, and the white light shot forth.

It danced like a flickering flame for an instant, and then Gula’s short, curvy figure appeared in its brilliance. The Sister of Gluttony stepped out of the light holding three massive plastic bags, each one filled to the brim with styrofoam containers.

“Hello, everyone!” the redhead grinned happily as she walked toward the table and sat the bags on top of its stony surface. “Who’s hungry?”

“Did you even need to ask, Firecracker?” Todd whistled as he salivated at the sight of the take-out in front of him.

Gula crossed her arms across her chest and pouted at the imp.

“Firecracker?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, that’s my new nickname for ya,” Todd explained. “The other ones weren’t really sticking, ya know? But this one definitely fits your personality. Doesn’t it, Jakey?”

Todd and Gula both looked over at me with completely different expressions on their faces. Out of fear for my safety, I refused to answer the question.

“How did you get all this?” I diverted. “The Porta ad Inferos is out in the middle of rural Virginia.”

“Tris showed us this app she’s been using a lot lately,” Gula explained. “Grubhub, I think it’s called?”

“Oh yeah,” Todd explained. “I showed Slothy that one. We call them up all the time when we’re in the middle of our pot-testing sessions. Bro, if you knew the kinda dough we blow on Grubhub every week … ”

“Every week?” I couldn’t help but gasp.

Thanks to the various endeavors I’d taken up on Earth, we were pretty well off. Between the Velvet Lips strip club, Ira’s political career, Todd and Ira’s dispensary, and Gula’s cooking show, we had plenty of money. Even so, you don’t get rich by spending your hard-earned cash like it’s going out of style.

“Don’t worry about it, Jakey,” Todd promised. “Tuesdays with the Toddster alone brings in enough to cover our bill.”

“That still doesn’t explain how they found you all the way out in the middle of the woods,” I continued.

Gula just shrugged. “We are very persuasive,” she said coyly. “Particularly Sister Ira.”

“Oh no,” Libidine half-chuckled, half-sighed. “Did Ira threaten some poor delivery boy with genital mutilation again?”

“Of course not!” Gula said with an exaggerated gasp. “She just pretended to be ‘Maggie Franklin’ and told the guy she could get him free Wizards tickets if he was willing to come all the way out to our location.”

“And that worked?” Todd asked as he shook his head. “I don’t know much about sportsball, but even I know the Wizards blow.”

“Free tickets are free tickets.” Gula shrugged. “Either way, it worked, and we are now the proud owners of a bunch of Mexican food!”

“I must admit,” Plato spoke up, “I’m quite ecstatic to try some of this. All of the Mexican cuisine down here is made of vargrat, and it usually is undercooked.”

“Takes ‘Taco Hell’ to a whole new level, huh?” Todd mused as he snatched one of the containers from the bag and popped it open. “I’d hate to see any of the toilets down here.”

“Toilets?” Plato asked curiously.

Todd’s whole body cringed, and he let out a shudder at the philosopher’s words.

“You know,” I said with a shudder of my own, “normally this conversation would make me lose my appetite. But, I’m so fucking hungry, I don’t give a shit. Bring on the tacos!”

“You’ll definitely be ‘giving a shit’ later, bro,” Todd joked as he popped open his container and tossed a tortilla chip into his mouth. “I hope you brought the immodium.”

I picked up one of the remaining containers and sat down at the table next to my friends. The food inside was super warm, and my mouth started to water in anticipation as I opened up the box. Instantly, my nostrils were hit with a scent of the floury tortillas and a mixture of cinnamon, chili powder, and cumin. I looked down at the food in the box, and my anticipation turned into full-on excitement.

Before me sat a huge pile of mexican food, still steaming-hot. There was a tiny pile of yellow tortilla chips that must have been fresh out of the fryer, because they were still shimmering with grease. Just below the chips was a small side of refried beans that melted together in a light reddish-brown puddle and were covered with a helping of melted white cheese. Finishing off the sides was a helping of toasted, puffy mexican rice.

Then there were the main dishes. This must have been some sort of combo deal, because there were three different types of entrees in the container. First, there was an enchilada, a tube of fried corn tortilla smothered with a tomato-based sauce that was almost oozing taco meat from both its sides. Beside it sat three hard-shelled tacos, packed to the brim with shredded chicken and cheese and topped off with a mixture of chunked tomatoes, onions, lettuce, and a dollop of sour cream. Finally, there was a golden-brown, burrito-shaped object I didn’t recognize.

“What’s this?” I asked Gula curiously.

“It’s a chimichanga,” she explained. “Wait … have you never eaten a chimichanga before?”

“I can’t say I have,” I admitted. “I’m more of a ‘taco and burrito’ kinda guy.”

“I have failed you, Jakey,” Todd sighed through a mouthful of beans. “I have failed you.”

“I think this is a first,” Libidine observed. “An Earth food that one of us has tried before Jacob? How the tables have turned.”

“It just means you all are becoming much more well-rounded people,” I said smugly. “Isn’t it every master’s dream to have his students surpass him?”

“It certainly was for Socrates,” Plato interjected. “And I definitely wanted Aristotle to do better than I had in this life. According to what I’ve heard of your history books, it looks like both our dreams came true.”

“You could say that,” I chuckled as I picked up the chimichanga. “This is your first taste of real Earth Realm food in years, Plato. How are you liking it?”

“Pardon my French,” the philosopher grinned, “but this is fucking exquisite. Much better than vargrat, that's for sure.”

“I just heard Plato eat a taco and then say ‘fuck,’” Todd observed through a belch. “I don’t think my life can get any better than this moment right here.”

I raised the chimichanga to my mouth and bit into its golden skin. There was a satisfying crunch as my teeth cut into the fried dough, and then a blast of flavor exploded into my mouth. I savored the mixture of tender carne asada and white queso that hit the inside of my mouth and blended together perfectly with the greasiness of the shell. Then, I gulped it down and went back for more. Before I knew it, the entire chimichanga was little more than a greasy aftertaste.

“Oh my lord,” I nearly moaned with satisfaction. “That was … I need to get me some more of those, asap!”

“I figured you’d like it,” Gula giggled. “You know what my favorite part about these things is? I can eat them all in one bite.”

The redheaded succubus winked at me, and then she picked up her own thick chimichanga and tenderly pushed it into her mouth. It got stuck for a second or two as it passed by her tongue, but then she closed her lips around the morsel and began to chew it up. Once it had been worn down a bit, Gula swallowed it with a singular gulp.

I seriously didn’t know whether or not to be turned on, impressed, or in shock. Probably a mixture of all three.

I picked up one of my hard tacos and bit into it. The second I did so, the warm filling entered my mouth, and my taste buds felt like they were set on fire. There was a taste of the spicy taco meat, but it was perfectly counterbalanced with the acidic tomato, sweet onion, sharp cheddar cheese, and wet crunch of the lettuce.

Unfortunately, my robe also got a chance to enjoy the taco.

As I bit into the morsel, the shell crunched open, and nearly half of the filling spilled out onto my clothes.

That was the catch in the First Circle of Hell. It was made to look just like our own Earth Realm, but with several minor inconveniences that made living here annoying as fuck.

“Shit,” I growled as I snatched up a napkin and wiped off my robe.

I finished off the remnants of my taco and grabbed another one from the box. This time, I made it only about halfway to my mouth before the shell snapped and the entire taco splattered onto my robe. I let out a grunt of frustration as I wiped it up and then ate the now-empty shell. There was only one taco left, and I wasn’t going to let it make a fool out of me.

I snatched it up, this time being very careful to hold it with both of my hands. The morsel made it to my mouth, and I ate it as quickly as I possibly could. However, as I took the last bite of the taco, I felt a greasy, wet drizzle run down my chin and drip off onto the robe.

“Son of a bitch,” I sighed and wiped it clean. “Is anyone else having taco issues?”

“I’m pretty sure there aren’t any gynecologists around, Jakey,” Todd snickered. “You’re on your own if you got taco troubles.”

The imp’s entire front was covered with grease, meat, and speckles of his meal. Even though he didn’t wear any clothing, it still looked like there were stains abounding all across his chest.

I glanced over at Libidine and saw her taco was floating in front of her, encased with green Hellfire.

“I had some issues, as well,” she explained, “but I think I figured it out.”

Gula’s clothes appeared to be fine, but she had remnants of sour cream all over her face.

“Oh dear, Sister,” Libidine mused as she leaned in close. “I think you’ve got a bit of something on your face.”

Without another word, the dark-haired succubus extended her finger, wiped the creamy substance from Gula’s chin, and then used her tongue to lick it off. I couldn’t help but stare as Liby’s long, wet tongue ran along her finger and picked up the dollop of cream seductively. The succubus finally stuck her finger in her mouth, sucked the remaining sour cream off, and then swallowed it down her throat.

“Better?” she asked knowingly.

“M-much better,” Gula admitted.

I looked over at Plato and nearly doubled over in laughter.

The philosopher had been wearing a perfectly-tailored, light gray suit. “Had been” was the key word here. Now, the pristine fabric was covered with splotches of red, brown, white, and even some green. Plato didn’t seem to care, though, as he continued to down his food like it was going out of style.

“You uh, don’t happen to have another suit, do you?” I asked with a chuckle.

The philosopher looked up at me curiously, then down at his outfit, and then he shrugged.

“This old thing?” he said with a guffaw. “I’ve been wearing my suit for hundreds of years. Trust me, this is far from the worst thing that’s ever been on my clothes. It’s pretty ironic, actually. I finally get to savor something that comes from outside of the gates of Hell, and I end up spilling half of it on my suit. That’s the First Circle for you, my friends.”

“It’s because you’re all eating like madmen,” Eligor finally spoke up. “I haven’t ruined any of my clothes.”

“That’s because you’re hardly wearing any clothes!” Gula protested and motioned to the knight’s “armor.” “I swear, girl. How is that comfortable? I’d much rather be naked than in something that skimpy.”

“Comfort isn’t important when you’re a double agent in Lucifer’s world.” Eligor shrugged. “Survival comes first and foremost, then you worry about everything else.”

We finished off the remaining Mexican food quickly, and then we all leaned back in our chairs exhaustedly.

“I think … I think I’m good for another two days, dudes and dudettes,” Todd grumbled and patted his bloated belly.

“Tell me about it,” Libidine added. “I feel like my stomach is about to explode.”

“Mexican food will do that to ya, Lib,” the imp snickered.

“I must admit, that was better than anything I could whip up,” Gula sighed. “This sort of food was never my forte.”

“Not your forte?” Plato said through a slight belch. “If I were you, I’d figure out how to make it my forte! I wish I could have this sort of dish for every meal.”

I motioned to the philosopher’s beard, which was now full of little bits of crumbs and flecks of food.

“I know you want to eat like this every day,” I joked sarcastically, “but is saving it in your beard really the best option?”

“I suppose I could call that ‘Grubhub’ organization you were talking about,” Plato pondered.

“I don’t think there’s a tip in the world big enough to get somebody to deliver to Hell,” I prodded the philosopher.

“Oh, I know of a tip that’s big enough … ” Libidine cooed as she bit her lip hungrily.

Gula must have seen how uncomfortable the comment made me, because she joined in with the teasing.

“I know what you mean, Sister,” she chuckled. “I’ve had some very, very big tips in my lifetime. Most of them have come in the last few months, of course.”

“You’re talking about Jacob’s penis, aren’t you?” Eligor said as she broke the flow of the banter.

“How would you know what my homeboy’s twig-n-berries look like?” Todd gagged. “Please don’t go into much detail.”

Eligor folded her arms over her massive chest and smiled.

“Because I helped get him out of his armor and his bloody clothes,” she mused. “How could I miss that thing? I’ll admit, I gawked a bit more than I probably should have.”

“Everybody does,” Gula purred. “It’s only natural when you see a hog the size of a log.”

Todd shook his head back and forth rapidly.

“I’m impressed with your wordplay, Firecracker,” he said through his motions, “but please stop talking about his bacon rod like that.”

“I could go for some bacon right now.” Gula grinned, obviously trying to weird Todd out. “Extra crispy and hard.”

“I’m going to have to second what the imp is saying,” Plato interjected. “Is this how you people talk all the time?”

“It is!” Todd gasped. “Oh, praise the Exalted One, the Toddster can finally share his pain with another human being!”

Before Plato could utter another word, Todd leapt onto the table, ran over to the philosopher, and pulled his head into a tight embrace.

“What are you--”

“Shhhhhh, shhhhhhh,” Todd whispered. “Don’t ruin the moment, bro. No homo.”

“Riiigghhht,” Eligor sighed and rolled her eyes. “Now that we’ve eaten and rested, what’s our next plan of attack?”

Plato tried to say something, but his voice was little more than a mumble against Todd’s chest. He angrily pried the imp’s hands off the back of his head, pulled his head back, and let out a loud gasp of air.

“I was trying to explain,” he grumbled. “You seek to destroy Azazel, the King of the Fourth Circle, right?”

“That’s the plan,” I confirmed as we all nodded in unison.

“Well, if you truly want to pick a fight with the Father of Warfare, then let me ask you this,” he continued. “What armaments are you taking into battle?”

“Easy, Play-Doh,” Todd scoffed. “First, we got Jakey’s badass Unhallowed Sword. Then, we got all the girls’ weapons, like the kickass flaming axe and the morning star and the stripper-polearm. Not to mention, we’ve got just about every single Hellfire power under the sun. Except for silver. For some reason none of us have mastered that one yet.”

“Invidia has silver Hellfire,” Libidine interrupted.

Todd pointed to the succubus and nodded. “See? We even got that one covered,” he explained. “But, most important of all, we got these bad boys.”

Todd flexed his tiny muscles, put on his “war face,” and growled like a tiger.

Plato raised a curious eyebrow at the imp, but it only made him growl louder.

“Easy there, Tony,” I laughed and patted Todd on the back. “What are you suggesting, Plato?”

“Do you remember that quote from my old work?” he asked. “I believe it went something along the lines of ‘Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.’ Well, Jacob Ralston, you are about to enter the hardest battle you’ve ever fought. Vermis and Leviathan were tough, and I believe you told me you’ve defeated Azazel before. But down here, in his own domain and in his own castle? He makes them look like child’s play.”

“Didn’t you also say ‘I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing?’” Todd chimed in. “Just sayin’.”

“That’s rhetorical!” Plato hissed at the imp and slammed his fist down on the table. “Anyways, this is going to be the hardest battle you’ll ever face, Jacob. You have plenty of interesting tricks up your sleeve, but I can assure you Azazel has seen them all before. However, I know someone who might be able to give you an edge over your foe.”

“Go on,” I said as my interest piqued.

“You might be familiar with him,” the philosopher continued. “He claims to have been a privateer on Earth. Black Bart, I believe, is what he calls himself.”

“A pirate?” I asked. “Like, a legitimate eye-patch-wearing, peg-legged pirate?”

“He doesn’t like to use that term, but yes,” Plato admitted. “He commandeered one of Charon’s ships, and he uses it to travel around the different Circles of Hell, stealing anything he thinks could be of value. The last time I encountered him, he had countless weapons and armaments I think would be very helpful to your cause. I think the five of you should pay him a visit and see what he has to offer.”

I stopped and thought about the situation at hand. Sure, we didn’t have much money, or really anything to barter with, for that matter. But Plato was right. Azazel has been watching our adventures this whole time with his stupid magic mirror, which meant he’d seen every single trick and scheme we’d pulled off before.

Using the same ‘ol tactics wasn’t going to work this time.

Besides, if Bart was really as well-stocked as our friend claimed he was, he probably had all sorts of modern weaponry that could come in handy. The quickest way to even the odds against a demon with a sword, after all, was with a machine gun.

“Alright,” I agreed as I stood to my feet. “Take us to Black Bart, Plato. I want to see what he has to offer.”

Chapter 12

“What’s so wrong about being a pirate?” Gula asked curiously as we walked through the bustling streets of the City of Limbo. “Sailing the high seas, answering to nobody but yourself and your crew, stealing stuff from ‘the man’ and all that? It sounds like a dream come true.”

“Weren’t you guys around for the Golden Age of Piracy?” I muttered and pushed my way through a throng of people. “They’re just a more glorified version of a militia that lived on a ship. They killed, raped, and pillaged all the time without rhyme or reason.”

“You must understand, Jacob,” Libidine explained. “The whole ‘occult’ thing wasn’t as popular back then. It was a time of reason and ‘enlightenment’ when Europeans didn’t put religion at the forefront of everything they did. Needless to say, we didn’t get summoned too often.”

“Although, there was that incident in Salem … ” Gula trailed off.

“Salem, Massachusets?” I said as I shook my head in disbelief. “You guys were there for the Salem Witch Trials?”

“We weren’t, but some of Asmodeus’ succubi were,” the redhead explained. “That mortal really liked Tituba, in particular. So much so he made up this whole elaborate story claiming she was his slave.”

“He wasn’t wrong,” Libidine suggested. “He just failed to specify she was a demon sex slave.”

“You’re literally blowing my mind right now,” I chuckled and made an explosion motion against my temple.

“Ah yes, the time of enlightenment,” Plato mumbled from ahead. “John Locke is down here somewhere. Brilliant young man. Somewhat of an ass, though.”

“What the fuck are we going to trade this guy, though?” Todd questioned. “Hell works on a barter system, right? Well, we ain’t got much to barter.”

“Sure we do,” I corrected the imp. “We’ve got all of our weapons.”

“Bro, I like where your head’s at,” he admitted, “but there is no way in Hell Black Bart is gonna have anything that’s better than what we have.”

“I know that,” I explained. “That’s why we’re going to trick him.”

“How are we gonna do that?” Todd said as he began to bounce with excitement. “Are we gonna give him the weapons and say they’ll curse him with ironic immortality? Or are we going to act like we’re giving our weapons away and then one of us slides down the sail with a dagger and snatches them all back?”

“No, we’re--”

“Orrrrr, what if we planted the seeds of mutiny in his crew, and then take over as Captain when he’s in Davy Jones’ locker?” the imp continued.

“Those are all great ideas, Todd,” I chuckled. “But I’ve got something a little less dramatic. You know how Tris, Ira, and Gula can summon their weapons from thin air?”

“It’s because they are ingrained in their very DNA,” Liby took over. “Even if they were to be broken or lost, my Sisters could just summon them all over again.”

“I get it,” Todd said as the realization clicked in his head. “We’re going to give him the weapons, and then once we’re good and gone, we’ll take ‘em back.”

“Exactly,” I confirmed.

“Why don’t you just have this one use her mind control powers?” Plato questioned and pointed to Liby. “Surely that would make things much easier.”

“Because Shades cannot be influenced by a demon’s mind-control magic,” Eligor explained. “It’s a little failsafe Lucifer himself put in place. If they could be influenced, Hell would always be in a constant state of turmoil, with demons using each other’s Shades to try and overthrow their enemies.”

“I guess that makes sense,” I admitted. “It would be even more chaotic down here than it already is.”

Although I continued with my cheery demeanor, something didn’t seem right. How did Plato know Libidine had mind-control powers? He’d never seen any of the succubi in action, and Todd hadn’t specifically mentioned the ability in his earlier boast. Maybe it was just common sense a succubus had mind control powers, but the way he specifically called out Libidine made me suspicious.

I moved in closer to Libidine so our conversation couldn’t be heard. “Did you happen to mention your abilities to Plato when I was out?” I whispered.

“Not that I recall,” she said as she shook her head.

“Then how did he know you could control minds?” I asked.

Libidine’s eyes grew wide. “I-I don’t know,” she admitted. “I thought one of you might have brought it up.”

“Not that I’m aware of,” I said as my eyes narrowed on the back of the philosopher’s head.

What was the deal? Was he leading us into a trap? There’s no way a sweet old man like Plato would do us dirty. Then again, we’d been fooled before.

Either way, I was going to keep a closer watch on him from now on.

We walked through the city of Limbo for another hour, past all of the slightly off-kilter skyscrapers and the various historical figures lounging around in the parks. At one point Todd swore he saw Bob Ross painting the scenery, but we didn’t have time to stop for an art lesson. Finally, we arrived at the far edge of the city, where it transformed from a sprawling modern metropolis into a small fisherman’s village.

The ocean roared against the trash-covered beaches, and there were several small boats out on the water. However, the one that piqued our interest the most was a large vessel that towered nearly two stories above the waves and stretched almost a hundred feet long. It had three incredible masts, two of which held double sails made out of pure purple Hellfire. On the final mast stood a large, black flag that featured the image of a sailor and a skeleton raising a joint glass in a toast.

I knew next to nothing about pirates, but this certainly had to be Black Bart’s ship.

“Here we are,” Plato said as he clapped his hands together gleefully. “I wish you well, my friends. Black Bart can be a real haggler sometimes, but he’s as harmless as a kitten.”

“You’re not coming with us?” I blurted out with probably too much suspicion in my voice.

The philosopher walked over, placed his hand on my shoulder, and motioned to the sea.

“My boy,” he started, “once you enter that small inn down there, I cannot be of much assistance. I’m a writer and a philosopher, not a businessman. Besides, I’d much rather stay out here and enjoy this beautiful view. Good luck, Jacob Ralston.”

“Thank you, Plato.” I nodded and then turned to leave.

But something held me back. I had to know once and for all where this guy’s allegiances lied.

“Is something the matter?” the philosopher asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Actually, yeah,” I admitted as I turned back to him with a frown. “We never once mentioned Libidine had mind control powers. How did you know?”

Plato took in my words for a second, and then he smiled and shook his head with amusement.

“Is that what was troubling you?” he chuckled. “Jacob, I have been in Hell for thousands of years, and people from your world consider me to be one of the greatest minds of all time. Did you really think I wouldn’t have done extensive research on each of the Demon Kings and their minions? I have books full of notes on each of them, their generals, their pimps, and yes, even their succubi. I could also tell you the powers Beelzebub or Baphomets’ succubi possess. Shall I go through them for you?”

“No, no,” I pleaded as embarrassment filled my core. “I’m sorry I ever doubted you, Plato. It’s just that there’s been a lot of backstabbing going on in our lives recently”

“Ah yes, the Archangel.” Plato nodded. “News of Uriel’s death spread like wildfire, even down here. I don’t blame you for being cautious.”

The two of us shook hands one last time, and then we parted company.

“What was that all about?” Gula asked as I returned to my group of friends.

“Just saying my goodbyes,” I lied. “If things go well, we may never see him again. And if things go badly? We definitely are never going to see him again.”

“Way to stay positive, Jakey,” Todd said as he shot me two thumbs up.

“That is staying positive,” I reassured the imp and turned to Libidine. “Are you ready to head back? We need Tris for this one.”

Libidine nodded, and I sent her back to Earth Realm with a flash of white magic. Then I tapped on the tattoo of the blunt on my arm, and the tall, slender form of Tristitia appeared before us.

“Finally,” she mumbled. “I was honestly starting to wonder if I was gonna be used any more on this adventure.”

“Luckily for you, Tris,” I explained. “We need you and your weapons for this one. In particular, your enchanted guns.”

“You need my guns?” Tris asked as her eyes narrowed. “You’re not thinking of bartering away my babies, are you?”

“It’d only be temporary,” I explained. “They’re magic, right? You can summon them back to you any time you want.”

Tris thought about it for a minute as she tapped her foot against the ground. Finally, her body loosened up, and she let out a deep sigh.

“Fine,” she conceded. “But if anything happens to my babies … I’ll probably just go out and find some new ones to enchant. But I’ll be really pissed about it.”

“Don’t worry, Sister,” Gula promised. “Jacob would never volunteer our weapons if he thought we wouldn’t get them back.”

I turned toward the beach and pointed at the small inn directly next to the docks.

“That’s where our pirate is hanging out,” I reminded everyone. “Now, who’s ready to go down there and trade for some cool shit?”

“You had me at ‘pirate,’ bro,” Todd snickered, and then the tiny imp began to run toward the inn at full speed.

The rest of us tried to keep up with the imp, but he was moving way too fast. Todd reached the building first, threw open the door boorishly, and then zipped inside.

When the women and I arrived at the entrance of the inn, we could already hear shocked murmurs from the other side of the door. Even though we had been on many demonic adventures together, Todd often forgot he was now a three-foot-tall, red-skinned imp with horns, a pointed tail, and hooves for feet. Even the most senior of the Shades here in Hell were probably taken aback by his appearance.

I pushed open the oaken door of the inn and was instantly greeted by the sight of dark wood. The entrance led directly to the “tavern” section of the establishment, where dozens of Shades sat around drinking alcohol, playing cards, and chatting loudly. The decor of this place was literally wood from head to toe, each of the tables and their corresponding chairs was made of dark, sturdy oak. Meanwhile, the walls were covered with long, thin strips of wood that gave it an old-timey rustic feel.

There were televisions above the bar area, but they all seemed to be playing the same thing. On the screen there was a strange-looking man sitting on the beach in front of a chess board. Across from him was another man who was wearing a dark, hooded cloak, and was made up to look like a demon or a ghost. The two would play chess, but then the image would loop and start back over before either of them could claim victory.

Even the TV shows in Hell were torture.

I scanned the crowd for anyone who could possibly be Black Bart. Typically, people who lived in the city of Limbo wore clothes that were modern or timeless. However, if the pirate was really Circle-hopping, he could be in just about anything.

“You gotta be kidding me,” Gula said in disbelief. “Jacob, I think I found our guy.”

The succubus pointed toward the back of the tavern, directly at a man in what could possibly be the most flamboyant outfit I’d ever seen. He had on a bright yellow frock coat covered with vibrant purple detailing. Atop his head he wore a typical three-cornered pirate hat with a massive yellow plume sticking out the back, and he was wearing an obvious white wig underneath. His nose was nearly as gargantuan as the plume on his hat, and just underneath it on his upper lip sat a tiny pencil-thin mustache. To top it all off, the guy had a goatee nearly as thin as the hair on his lip.

If this wasn’t Black Bart, I didn’t know who the fuck could be.

“Oh yeah,” Todd whistled. “I knew we were looking for a pirate, but yeesh. I bet I know which port he’s been dockin’ in, if you get my drift.”

“I don’t think Black Bart was--”

“It gets awful lonely on that poop deck, if you know what I mean,” the imp snickered at his own joke.

“Okay, I get—”

“They are polishing peg legs in Davey Jones’ locker… room.” Todd couldn’t contain his giggles anymore, so I simply rolled my eyes and approached the pirate in the bar.

“Excuse me,” I said as I grabbed his attention. “Would you happen to be Black Bart? A friend of ours told us you’d be willing to sell us some goods.”

“Who’s askin’?” the pirate growled in a thick British accent and placed his pistol on the table.

“My name is Jacob Ralston,” I explained. “Plato mentioned you might be able to help us.”

Black Bart cocked his head slightly, and then a disgusting, toothy grin spread up his face.

“How is tha old philosopher doin’ anyway?” his voice boomed loudly as he stood up and adjusted his belt.

“He’s great, bro,” Todd interjected. “He just got to eat tacos for the first time in his life, and he totally loved it.”

“Aye.” The pirate nodded. “Sounds like a wonderfu’ time.”

“If you don’t mind, Mr. Bart, we’d like to get down to business,” Eligor suggested as she stepped forward and put her hands on her hips. “We didn’t come all the way out here just to reminisce about our mutual friends.”

Black Bart eyed the knight up and down and let out a long wolf whistle. “I like this one, Jacob,” he chuckled. “What kinda goods be ye looking for?”

“We’re heading into battle,” I explained. “So, anything you’ve got that goes ‘boom.’ would be nice.”

“Ahhhhh,” the pirate mused. “Ye be wantin’ the big guns. Sit yerself down right here, order yeselfs a beer on me, and I’ll be right back with the goods.”

Black Bart sauntered away toward the door. As he walked, the chains and jewelry on his body jingled like oversized keys, and his boots clonked heavily against the wooden floor. He shot us a wink, and then he pushed open the door and headed out to his ship.

“Of course,” I chuckled. “Of all the pirates in the world, we had to get the one that was the most stereotypical.”

“If his wares are good enough, none of that matters,” Eligor reminded me.

“Five beers, please,” I asked the bartender as I raised five fingers in the air.

“Actually,” Tris interjected. “Make that four. The Devil’s Lettuce is my depressant of choice, and I’m not going to cheat on it with a freaking beer.”

“Your loss, Slothy,” Todd chuckled. “I love a good doobie more than anything in the world, but nothing beats a cold beer after a long, tiring day.”

A minute or two later, one of the waitresses walked over carrying four glasses of beer. As she sat them down on the table, I noticed they were all a piss yellow, and had almost no carbonated bubbles.

“Excuse me, miss?” Todd asked ever-so-politely. “Do you have anything else? I’m more of a Brown Ale type of guy.”

The dark-haired waitress looked at the imp and placed her hand sassily against her hip.

“Honey, you must be new here,” she explained. “This is the First Circle. The only type of beer we’re allowed to have here is the light, low-calorie stuff.”

“Fucking Hell,” Todd grumbled, but then he changed his tune and smiled at the waitress. “Sorry about that. I totally didn’t know. Thanks for the clarification!”

As soon as the waitress walked away, the imp opened up his mouth, stuck out his tongue, and pointed at it as he made a gagging sound.

“Hey,” I explained with a shrug. “Free beer is free beer. And I’ve never once in my life turned down alcohol that was free.”

“I guess you’re right,” Todd sighed. “Light beer is better than no beer.”

The four of us picked up our glasses and raised them into the air.

“To victory?” I suggested.

“To Jakey!” Todd interjected.

Eligor and Gula both nodded in agreement, and then they exclaimed “To Jakey!”

“You guys are too much,” I laughed and lowered the cup to my mouth.

I took a swig of the beer and instantly remembered why I never drank the light stuff. It somehow had no flavor and too much flavor at the same time, almost like it was a yeast-flavored water. However, I persevered and chugged down the remainder of the glass. It felt warm going down, and it was somewhat refreshing after the insanity of the last couple days.

I let out an “ahh” from my lips as I sat the empty glass down on a nearby table, and my friends did the same.

“Straight horse piss,” Todd chuckled.

Eligor’s face contorted into a look of disgust. “Thaaaat’s what it reminded me of,” she shuddered. “Thanks for that mental image, Todd.”

Gula gulped her beer down in seconds, slammed the glass down on the table, and then wiped her lips clean.

“It’s no Brasserie de Rochefort,” the redhead sighed, “but it gets the job done.”

Just then, the door of the inn flew open, and Black Bart appeared with two of his men in tow. The pirates were carrying a large wooden chest that had to have been at least ten feet in length. Bart motioned for the patrons to make room at the center of the tavern, and then he waved us over as his goons sat the chest down on the floor.

“Are ya ready?” he asked as his men began to unlock the large hatches on the chest.

“Aye-aye, captain!” Todd exclaimed.

“Excellent!” Black Bart clapped his hands together and stomped his foot. “It’s been awhile since I seen a group so excited about me weaponry.”

“He was supposed to say ‘I can’t hear you,’” Todd mumbled as he hung his head.

The pirates finished messing with the locks, and then they popped the wooden chest open. Inside were weapons, armor, and artillery from just about every different historical time period. There was a musket lying next to an AK-47. A few Romanesque daggers intermingled with Aztec Macuahuitl. There was a variety of hand grenades, artillery shells, and landmines interspersed between the different hand-to-hand weapons and semi-automatic weapons. I even caught sight of a chakram, much like the one our friend Aruna used back on Earth.

“Holy shit,” I muttered in awe.

“I take it ye be satisfied with my selection?” Black Bart said in full-on salesman mode.

“You bet your ass I am,” I confirmed.

“Do you have any more guns?” Todd asked curiously. “If we’re going to war with Azazel, we’re gonna need way more than just an AK-47 and some grenades, bro.”

“There’s only a few of us, Todd,” I reminded the imp. “We don’t need more weapons than we can carry.”

The imp grabbed me by the side of my shirt and pulled me in close.

“There is no such thing as too many guns, bro,” he whispered into my ear. “I could finally live out my dream of being a one-imp army.”

“We do have to account for the Shades,” Gula spoke up. “They’re going to need more than their pitchforks.”

I nodded to the redhead and then turned back to face the pirate.

“You heard the imp,” I commanded. “Do you have any more guns or artillery?”

“Oh, son,” Black Bart laughed. “I’m a goddamn pirate. I’ve got everything ye could possibly need!”

Bart whistled to his comrades and pointed to the door. They gave their captain an exaggerated salute, and then they rushed back out to the ship.

“Plannin’ a mutiny of the Shades, are we?” the pirate asked coyly. “Ye wouldn’t happen to be goin’ against Azazel himself now, would ye?”

“Wh--how did you know?” I gasped.

Black Bart clapped his hands together happily.

“I’ve been around the entirety of Hell, my boy,” he explained. “I know a weak Demon King when I see ‘em. That lad’s power’s been a-draining for years now. It was only a matter ‘a time before someone came along and sent him to Davy Jones’ locker!”

The two pirates re-entered the inn with two more chests. These ones were much larger than the first two, and they landed against the ground with a metallic clang when they were set down.

“Ask, and ye shall receive,” Black Bart said as he opened the containers.

Inside of these chests was nothing but modern weaponry. Machine guns, semi-automatic pistols, shotguns, and grenades of all types lined the box.

I couldn’t believe it. This guy literally had everything we could ever dream of.

Suddenly, the two pirates slammed the lid of the chest closed.

“Good,” Black Bart chuckled. “Then let’s talk about prices. What have ye brought to barter? I’ve got my eye on that black sword of yers, there. It’d be a perfect fit fer my collection … ”

I placed my hand on the hilt of the Unhallowed Sword and instinctively took a step back.

“Unfortunately, this is the one item I won’t part with,” I explained. “It’s far too important to me. Now, my friends, on the other hand, have some things they’d like to offer you.”

I nodded at the two succubi, and they called forth their enchanted weapons.

Gula’s axe never ceased to impress me. It was nearly as wide as the redhead’s entire body, and it had a massive blade on each side of the handle. Smack-dab in the center was a goat head very similar to the one that appeared on the hilt of my dagger.

The coolest thing about Gula’s axe? It always roared red with Hellfire.

Tris’ pistols, on the other hand, weren’t quite as flashy as her Sister’s weapon. However, they were equally as deadly with double the efficiency. Each one had a goat engraved into the metal of the grip, as well as the letter “T” on the barrel.

Black Bart took his sweet time examining the weapons. He took Tris’ guns nearly all the way apart as he looked into the barrel, cocked the hammer, and even dumped out the bullets that were currently loaded. When he got the axe, the pirate swung it around his head a few times, polished the goat head with his jacket sleeve, and then held it over his shoulder.

“These are fabulous,” he finally exclaimed. “But I’ve already got a ton ‘a these things in my arsenal.”

“Those weapons are top of the line Hellfire weapons.” Eligor implored. “You can’t come by them easily, and nobody ever gives them up willingly. The only chance you’ll ever have to own a Hellfire-powered weapon again is if you find somebody with one and kill them. And that, I can tell you from experience, is no easy task.”

“Ye drive a hard bargain,” the pirate sighed. “But I be feeling generous today. Tell ‘ya what. I’m a pirate meself, and I love me a good mutiny. I’ll let ya have whatever ye like, as long as ye promise me you’ll give me refuge once yer the new king.”

“Really?” I asked curiously. “Anything we want? Even if we want more than one thing?”

“Like I said,” Black Bart shrugged, “I be feeling generous today.”

I extended my hand to the pirate, and we shook on the setup.

“Deal,” I said as I grinned ear to ear.

Before any of us could make a move, Todd had already jumped into the box and pulled out his prized possession. He hopped out of the chest with an FN F-2000 slung behind his back, accompanied by a string of incendiary grenades and a riot helmet.

“This is gonna make me look like such a badass, bro,” Todd observed as he pulled the clear visor down over his face. “Not to mention, it’ll keep me clear of the splatterzone when I’m whackin the weasel.”

“I’m not even going to justify that with a comment,” I sighed and began to search for my prize.

I finally decided to go with some landmines rolling around in the chest, as well as some cool looking miniature tracking devices. I also grabbed a miniature sword that had a hooked blade on its end, simply because it looked so awesome.

“Ah, the Khopesh,” Eligor noted. “That’s always a good choice. But are we really going with short-range weaponry?”

“You know what?” I said as I stood up and put my hands against my hips. “Why don’t we just take the whole box? We’re going to need every ounce of firepower we can get.”

“Like I said, my lad,” Black Bart spoke up, “take whatever ye need. Ya have no idea how nice it’ll be to not be runnin’ for me life all the time.”

“I think that’s all we need,” I noted as I gave my new weapon a twirl in my hand. “Thank you for your time, Black Bart.”

“The pleasure be all mine, Mr. Ralston,” he said with a bow. “Now that business is all done, how about we get ta celebrating? It’s gettin late outside, but the night still be young. Grab a beer, celebrate our newfound partnership, and then we can hook ya up with a couple of rooms here at the inn, free of charge. If yer really going inta a battle as big as what yer preppin’ for, ya deserve at least one night of celebration and relaxation!”

“I dunno,” I said as I thought ahead to the long journey ahead. “We have a lot of ground to make up.”

“Ah, come on, Jakey!” Todd scoffed. “It’s a night of free beer and hanging out with freaking pirates! Black Bart is right, we owe ourselves a little party now, don’t we?”

“As much as I dislike beer, it does sound like a fun time … ” Tris pondered. “And it’s also gives me a chance to get a full ten hours of sleep in before we go off and storm the castle.”

“Sister Tristitia is right.” Gula nodded. “The two of us haven’t gotten a full night’s sleep in days.”

“Alright, alright,” I finally conceded. “We can party with pirates for a little bit. Then, we need to rest up and get ready for our big day tomorrow.”

The waitress brought us all out another round of beer, and we raised it into the air with a cheer. As I chugged down the second glass and felt its disorienting effects begin to take hold, all of our problems seemed to fade away.

I wasn’t worried about the Circles of Hell or Azazel or Beelzebub or any of those fuckers. It was just me, here with a bunch of my friends, and we were about to have a great time.

I finished off my drink, slammed it down on the table, and ordered us another round.

Tonight was going to be a night to remember.

Chapter 13

An hour or two into our celebration at the inn, I remember things getting a little fuzzy. My friends and I had been guzzling down our free beers like they were going out of style, and it was starting to take effect on us. The next thing I knew, a slurry speech Todd was showing off his wrestling moves on one of the brave patrons of the tavern, and Eligor was passed out in the bench seat of one of the booths. Meanwhile, Gula, Tris, and I were sitting around a high-top table talking about our new gadgets.

“Can you believe this thing?” Tris whistled as she examined her bow. “A semi-automatic crossbow. What’ll they think of next, self-driving cars?”

“That’s already a thing,” I explained with a chuckle.

“But wait,” a half-drunk Gula interjected, “if the car is driving itself, how does it know when to stop for pedestrians? How does it keep from crashing into other cars? Does it have cameras all up inside of it?”

“Sensors,” I stated matter-of-factly. “It’s all sensors and artificial intelligence.”

“I’m gonna call bullshit on that one, dude,” Tris laughed. “A computer can never replace a human mind. Think about it, what happens if it’s faced with an ethical dilemma? Is your windows eight car gonna make the right choice on something like who lives and who dies? I think not. The brain of a living creature is the greatest invention the Exalted One ever gave us, and humans keep trying to build something that’s ‘better.’ You know what that leads to? Terminator. That’s what it leads to.”

“I’m surprised you’ve seen that movie,” I said with a twinge of surprise. “I thought Azazel didn’t let you indulge in human pleasures?”

“I saw it when I escaped that one time,” the Sister of Sloth said with a shrug. “I didn’t get what all the hype was about, honestly.”

“What?” I gasped. “You didn’t like it?”

“What was there to like?” the succubus asked. “It was all about some drug addict and his dead mom. And that woman robot? Please. I’ve seen toasters more deadly than her.”

“Nooooo,” I guffawed as I realized which movie she was talking about. “You only saw the third one?”

“It was the third one?” Tris pondered aloud. “That explains why I had no idea what the fuck was happening … ”

“No wonder you don’t get the hype,” I whistled. “You saw the worst one. At least, the worst one at the time. You should totally watch the first two. They’re the ones that are legendary.”

“Maybe when we get out of here, we can do a movie night,” the brunette succubus suggested.

“That sounds marvelous!” Gula hiccupped. “I could whip up some gourmet food, we could each have a glass of wine as we snuggled on the couch … ”

“That does sound nice,” Tris agreed. “Kicking back with a blunt and my two favorite people in the world?”

Gula’s face turned beet red as she stared at the ground bashfully. “Knock it off, Tristitia,” she giggled. “I’d hate to make the others think you’re playing favorites.”

Without warning, Tris stood up out of her seat and moved over to Gula. She placed one hand tenderly on her Sister’s face, and the other began to run lovingly up and down Gula’s side.

“But you are my favorite,” the brunette cooed into Gula’s ear. “ I’ve already shown you that time and time again, haven’t I?”

“Stooopppp,” Gula chuckled as her face grew even redder. “You’re going to get Jacob all hot and bothered.”

The throbbing sensation I felt in my pants confirmed her suspicions.

“Don’t mind me,” I flirted. “You guys just keep doing what you’re doing, and I’ll just watch.”

“Damn right you will,” Tris said as she turned and looked at me with hunger in her eyes. “And maybe if you’re good, we’ll let you join in.”

My pants grew tighter at the prospect of watching the two beautiful women make love, and I couldn’t help but smile like a fool.

Gula looked around coyly to see if anyone was watching. “Bart said we could have a room on the house, right?” she asked.

“Yeaaah, he did,” Tris confirmed. “Let’s go make use of it.”

The brunette succubus shot me a wink before she stood up, grabbed Gula by the hand, and started to lead her toward the nearby staircase. She stopped once she was about halfway there, and then she motioned for me to follow.

I stood from my bar stool and dashed across the tavern faster than I’d ever run before. Sure, I’d slept with both of these women before, but not at the same time. And I certainly hadn’t been teased with the prospect of getting to watch them go at it.

I followed the strutting succubi up the stairs, and then we walked down the hallway of the inn until we found a door with a sign that read Reserved for Special Guests. We pushed it open immediately, and then the fun began.

As the door slammed shut behind us, Tris placed her hands against Gula’s face and began to kiss her passionately. Then the two succubi made out tenderly as they began to undress each other and allowed their hands to explore each others’ bodies.

Both of the women must have kept a change of clothes in the Jeep back on Earth, because neither of them wore their medieval garments any more. Instead, both of the sexy succubi were in simple jeans and t-shirts.

Gula’s hands naturally sat at Tris’ waistline, so the Sister of Sloth’s pants were the first to go.

I marveled as the fabric of her jeans slid down her thick thighs and exposed her tight, round ass. Gula must have liked it, too, because she grabbed a handful the second it was exposed and pressed her lips even tighter against Tris’ mouth.

Tris playfully tossed the pants away with a flick of her ankle, and then she got to work on the redhead. She tenderly tugged Gula’s shirt off her torso and threw it on the ground behind them.

The redhead’s voluptuous breasts bounced perkily as they were released from their fabric prison, and each of her tiny pink nipples stood erect and at the ready. They wouldn’t be exposed for long, however, as Tris instantly bent down and began to suck on them tenderly.

Gula let out a groan of pleasure and slid her hand up the back of Tris’ shirt. Her expression was a look of pure ecstacy, with her eyes rolled back in her head and her mouth agape. The redheaded succubus tugged on Tris’ shirt and indicated that it needed to come off.

Tris pulled back and stared hungrily at her Sister as the garment rose over her head and exposed her chest in all its glory. The brunette had smaller breasts than Gula, but they were equally as perky and, in my experience, just as fun to touch.

Gula began to kiss Tris on the neck as her hand slid down and started to rub at the tall succubus’ clitorus.

Tristitia gasped at the sudden wave of pleasure that overtook her body, and then she fell back onto the nearby bed. She moaned as the curvy redhead pleasured her intensely and moved her lips all the way down her torso.

Finally, Gula pulled away. “Do you think we’ve teased him enough, Sister?” she cooed.

Tris looked over at me and then let her eyes wander down to the massive bulge in my pants. She bit her lip as she stared at my cock, and then her violet orbs lit up with glee.

“Get over here,” she demanded. “That thing’s not gonna take care of itself.”

I quickly got undressed and made my way over to where the two women were making love. The second I got close enough, Tris’ hand shot out, wrapped around my erection, and began to stroke it delicately.

“I thought about teasing you a little bit more,” Tris purred, “but seeing that bulge in your pants made me crave it.”

“Then what are you waiting for?” Gula’s voice asked. “Get to it, Tris.”

The redheaded succubus started to kiss her way down Tris’ body until she came to the tender slit between her legs. Gula looked up at both of us with mischief in her eyes, and then she began to lick at the Sister of Sloth.

Tris’s grip around my dick tightened momentarily as she took in Gula’s motions. Finally, she regained her focus and turned her attention back to me. The brunette succubus gave me a gentle tug, leaned forward, placed a hand against my ass, and slid my cock into her mouth.

I voiced my satisfaction with a hearty moan, and the Sister of Sloth started to push her lips further down.

She bobbed her head forward and back on my dick, and I could feel her warm tongue gliding across my shaft as she moved. Once she got as far as she thought she could go, Tris used her hand to push my hips forward and drove me deeper into her mouth. The succubus let out a muffled moan against my dick, and I nearly exploded when I felt her throat muscles contract around my head.

Tris pulled back, let my dick slip out of her mouth, and then began to go at it with her tongue. At the same time, the succubus couldn’t contain her excitement with Gula. Tris’s eyes closed, and a series of gasps slipped out of her mouth as she pleasured me. Then, the brunette woman pulled herself away from my erection, slapped her hand against the back of Gula’s head, and tensed up her whole body. Tris let out a loud moan as she orgasmed, and the sound of her pleasure made my erection grow even harder.

Gula pulled her head back from Tris’ pussy and smiled.

“You’re really fucking good at that,” I observed.

“I’ve had years of practice,” the Sister of Gluttony said with a wink. “Now, Tris, if you don’t mind, it’s our turn.”

Tristitia was sitting up on the bed, completely wobbly and panting profusely.

“I dunno,” she joked coyly. “I’ve never been one to do all the work.”

Gula pouted, stood up, and threw her hands on her hips. “I believe I’m the one who did all the work here,” she said in a huff.

Before she could say another word, I moved on the redhead. I pressed my lips against hers as I caressed her right nipple lovingly and used my other hand grab a handful of her curvy ass. Our bodies pressed against each other, and my dick could feel how wet she was just from running along the outside of her lips.

I wasn’t going to wait a second longer. I wanted Gula, and I wanted her now.

I moved my hands so they were positioned on the succubus’ waist, lifted her up into the air, and moved so her back was pressed up against a nearby wall.

Gula gasped in surprise, and then she gasped once more as my rock-hard cock slid into her. Her eyes rolled back in her head as I used my leverage to push deep inside of her, and she bit her lip in satisfaction.

I began to thrust deeply in and out of Gula slowly. At this angle, I was able to get as deep into her as I possibly could, and we were both on cloud nine. Once I had a decent rhythm going, I started to increase my pace.

I felt the warm coil in my pelvis as I neared the edge, and Gula’s intense moans did little but push me closer and closer. I looked down at the succubus’ massive breasts, both of which bounced in unison from the impact of my thrusts. I could feel Gula’s pussy tightening around my cock, but I finally reached the edge when she let out the slightest whimper of pleasure.

My dick began to pulsate, and we both cried out when I filled Gula’s tight wet tunnel with my seed.

Both of our moans turned into whispers as I slowed my pace, and we panted with exhaustion. Then I pressed my lips up against the redhead’s before I finally picked her up and carried her back to the bed.

Tris was waiting for us with her naked body sprawled out teasingly. Her long, slender legs were making small bicycle kicks in the air, and she was running her right hand through her brown locks gingerly.

I sat Gula down beside the Sister of Sloth, and then I sat down beside her.

The second I was on the bed, Tris rolled over onto her stomach, reached up, and gently ran her fingers along the edge of my cock.

“You know we’re not even close to being done, right?” she sighed as she stared longingly at my returning erection. “I’m not passing up on a chance to ride the gut-tickler.”

“This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, Jacob,” Gula giggled. “Sister Tris is actually offering to do all the work!”

“Don’t get used to it,” Tris pouted. “But I think Jacob deserves a little bit of rest after everything he’s done, don’t you?”

I sat up and raised my finger to answer, but Tris shoved me down onto the bed before I could utter a word.

The tall brunette succubus crawled over and positioned herself on top of me, so the warm lips of her pussy were right over my erection. However, instead of sitting up and riding me like the other succubi would, she simply reached down, grabbed my cock, and slid it into her tenderly. She was super wet, and I was deep inside of her in seconds.

Tris ran her hand along the outside of my face, through the side of my hairline, and down my stubbly cheeks. As she traced my jawline with her palm, she also began to bounce her hips up and down on my dick.

I let out a moan to express my pleasure, but I was instantly cut off when Tris shoved her tongue in my mouth. We made out passionately as our bodies writhed lustfully.

After a minute or so of our lovemaking, Gula appeared behind her Sister. The redhead had an ornery look on her face as she placed her hands firmly against Tris’ ass and started to force it down harder.

Tris gasped in surprise, but the sounds she made quickly transformed into grunts and groans of ecstacy. Her body began to tense up like a spring ready to uncoil, but the succubus still kept her pace. Her face was still pressed against my own, and her moans were growing so intense they nearly rattled my brain.

I’d already blown my load into Gula, so my second orgasm took a bit longer to build. But Tris’ body was amazingly lean and taut against me, and I could soon feel myself approaching the edge again, so I wrapped my hands on Tris’ waist and forced her down onto my cock as far as she could go.

“Ohhhhh!” Tris whimpered as she pulled her face back. “I think I’m about to--ohmygod!”

The brunette’s entire body quivered, and she nearly screamed with delight as she came. At the same time, I released my second spray of cum as deep as I could inside of her, and she bit her lip as I filled up her trembling body.

Tris rolled off my body and placed her hand on my chest.

“That was incredible,” she panted.

“You were incredible,” I shot back playfully.

“Take it from me,” Gula chimed in as she crawled over and laid down at my other side. “You were both incredible.”

“You weren’t too bad yourself,” I chuckled and wrapped my arm around the curvy redhead.

“No,” she admitted humbly, “I guess I wasn’t.”

I pulled the succubi in close and basked in the warmth of their naked bodies. They both snuggled up against my chest, and I couldn’t help but wonder how I got so fucking lucky. Here I was, in the middle of Hell, in the middle of a mission that was literally life and death, and I was making love to two beautiful women. Two beautiful women, I might add, who were different than the beautiful women I made love to yesterday.

As I stared up at the wood-covered ceiling of the inn, I only had one thought on my mind. Jacob Ralston was the luckiest guy in the fucking world.

The next thing I knew, I was drifting off to sleep.

“Bro … ” I heard Todd’s voice through the fog of my slumber. “Bro … Wake up, bro … ”

“Just another hour or so, Todd,” I grumbled and rolled over. “We’ve got plenty of time to get to Azazel.”

“No, bro … ” the imp continued. “We got a problem.”

“We’re gonna have a huge problem if you don’t let me sleep, bro,” I growled through my insomniac-like state.

“Jacob,” Eligor’s voice finally cut through the haze of my sleep. “Todd’s right. We have a major problem.”

I shot up in bed and tried to take in my surroundings.

The two succubi were both still at my side, but they were now stirring groggily. Eligor was standing at the foot of the bed with her arms crossed across her chest, and I could hear Todd rummaging underneath the bed.

“What--what are you doing in here?” I demanded and pulled the sheet over my body. “Haven’t you heard of knocking? We could have been--”

“It’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” the blonde knight sighed. “But now’s not the time for that. We’ve got bigger issues to deal with.”

“What are you talking about?” I questioned.

Todd scurried out from underneath the bed and hopped to his feet. The imp was completely covered with cobwebs, and he wore a look of complete defeat on his face.

“It’s not under there,” he sighed. “I think we got double-crossed, bro.”

“What are you talking about?” I demanded. “Who--”

“The Unhallowed Sword, Jacob,” Eligor explained. “It’s not with your armor, and it’s nowhere to be found.”

“Even worse,” Todd added. “Black Bart’s ship is gone. That goddamn peg-legged bitch robbed us, bro.”

Chapter 14

“I guess that’s what we get for trusting a pirate,” I growled as I hopped up out of bed, still naked, and ran over to my clothes.

Eligor let out a slight gasp at the sight of my swinging manhood, but I didn’t have time to stop and model. I quickly tossed on my clothes, and then the knight came over and helped me put on my armor.

Gula and Tris stood up, sauntered over to their fallen clothes, and got dressed once more.

“Do you think he knew we had planned on double-crossing him?” Gula suggested as she pulled her tight shirt over her stomach.

“Maybe,” Todd admitted. “Black Bart is considered one of the most successful pirates in history for a reason, Firecracker.”

“Or maybe it was just a pirate doing what he does best,” I sighed. “Pirating.”

“What do you have against pirates, dude?” Tris asked with a chuckle. “You’ve been ragging on ‘em the whole time we’ve been here.”

“Jakey was always more of a ninja guy,” Todd interjected.

“They’re way cooler,” I said with a shrug. “Not to mention, they actually followed a code of honor. Meanwhile, pirate assholes will steal anything that isn’t bolted down, case in point.”

“Nah way, bro,” Todd argued. “They had their own code and everything. It’s like you never even watched those movies with the cursed skeleton guys and drunken Johnny Depp.”

“That was all just fiction,” I sighed. “Real life pirates were a lot more filthy and violent and not bound by honor at all.”

“Wrong again, Jakey,” Todd scoffed. “I read a bunch of books on real pirates. They were even more boring than what you think they were!”

“Apparently not Black Bart, though,” I grumbled. “He looked like he stepped right out of Treasure Island. Minus the peg leg and eye patch, of course.”

Gula cringed. “Peg-leg?” she gasped. “Isn’t that what Sister Ira is into?”

“No, no, no,” Tris corrected the Sister of Gluttony. “That’s something completely different. I made the mistake of searching it on the internet once, and I’ll never forget what I saw … ”

“The horror, the horror,” Todd gasped in his best Brando.

“What the hell are we going to do now?” Eligor interjected. “We’ve lost the only weapon that can free your Sister.”

“How big is the ‘ocean’ in the First Circle?” I asked.

“Not that large,” the knight admitted. “It’s honestly more like an oversized lake that’s mainly here for anyone who was a boating enthusiast in their previous life. And Charon, of course.”

I clapped my hands together. “That’s it!” I exclaimed. “Charon can help us find the fucker. I bet he’d be really happy to get his stolen boat back, too.”

“See?” Tris giggled and slapped Eligor on the shoulder. “There’s a reason we all follow Jacob. Smart as a box of rocks.”

“Uh … Sister?” Gula said coyly. “That’s the expression you use when you think somebody’s stupid.”

“Oh!” the brunette succubus gasped. “My bad. Jacob’s smarter than a tack.”

“Close enough,” I chuckled and turned back to Eligor. “When does Charon usually make his rounds to the First Circle?”

“He starts bright and early,” the knight sighed. “New souls are brought into Hell every day, and this is his first destination. I believe he’ll be here sometime near sunrise.”

I looked out the window of the inn and saw it was still pitch-black outside. If we moved quickly, there was still plenty of time to try and flag Charon down.

Eligor tightened the final strap on my breastplate and then knocked against the metal of the armor to let me know it was good to go.

I walked over to my weapons belt, which was now completely empty save for a single item.

The broken, goat-headed dagger.

“That son of a bitch must have just taken whatever he damn well pleased,” I growled as I lifted up the belt and wrapped it around my waist.

“At least he didn’t get your dagger, bro,” Todd said optimistically. “That thing’s been with us since the beginning.”

“Stole it from Quinn himself,” I acknowledged. “He probably saw it was broken and figured it wasn’t of any use.”

“Wait a minute … ” Gula gasped. “If he took our weapons, that means he was in this room with us at some point.”

“You heard the guy,” Tris explained. “The innkeeper had these rooms held especially for Bart. He probably had a spare key or something so he could get inside. I bet he pulls this kinda heist all the time.”

“Well, he just stole from the wrong people,” I hissed. “We’re gonna tear this fucking Circle apart until we find him and get our shit back. Starting with his little friend, the innkeeper.”

The five of us stomped out of the room, passed through the wood-covered halls of the inn, and then marched down the stairs and into the tavern section of the building. There was nobody in the establishment other than a single janitor who was hastily mopping up the remnants of our party from the night before. The Shade was down on his hands and knees, scrubbing away at the floor as if he were trying to take the dark stain off the wood itself. He must not have been doing a good job, because I could feel my shoes sticking to the floor as we approached.

“Where’s the innkeeper?” I demanded.

The janitor looked up from his work, wiped his brow, and shook his head. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “Her and Black Bart were getting pretty wasted last night. I saw the two of them leaving together about two or three hours ago, but that was the last I saw of her.”

“She’s probably on the ship, then,” Eligor sighed. “So much for that lead.”

“Come on,” I mumbled. “Let’s get out of here and see if we can catch Charon. It looks like the creepy ferryman is our only shot at finding our missing sword.”

I plodded out of the inn, angry and disgusted with the entire situation. The fucking pirate and his innkeeper friend had played us like a fiddle, but I wasn’t going to let them get away with it. We needed that sword, and I was going to get it back even if I had to pry it out of both of their cold, dead hands.

My blood pressure fell just a tad when I exited the building and took in the calming darkness of the First Circle. It may have been pitch black out here, but it wasn’t an unnerving darkness. I didn’t fear what was out in the shadows. I wasn’t paranoid we were being watched by our enemies or that a pack of wild vargrats were going to come up and attack us.

In fact, it was almost soothing.

The team found a spot on the beach that wasn’t completely covered with trash and hunkered down on the sand. Then we sat there in silence for nearly half an hour as we waited for Charon to make his appearance.

There were no stars in the sky, and the only light around us came from a few hanging torch lights and a large, towering lighthouse at the very edge of the port. It was nearly a soundless morning, filled only with the gentle crash of waves against the shore and the occasional rumble of a large vehicle traveling through the city behind us.

If we weren’t already stressing out about losing the Unhallowed Sword, it actually would have been pretty peaceful.

Finally, the warm glow of the sun began to peek out from over the horizon. It started off as a dull red glow, but then slowly became more and more muted and yellow as it rose. When the fiery orb was about halfway above the landscape, Gula stood up and pointed.

“There!” she exclaimed. “It’s the Ferryman!”

I hopped to my feet and looked out to where the succubus was pointing.

Off in the distance, a brilliant glow of purple cut through the water and headed directly toward us. As the light got closer, it grew larger and its colors grew more vibrant. Once the violet flames were about one-hundred feet away from the shore, I recognized the small, dinghy-like vessel that had brought us to the River of Souls.

On its mast stood Charon, with his dark purple robe and lengthy black beard. The ferryman’s sunken eyes were laser-focused on the shore as he held his staff out in front of him, and the silvery ectoplasmic magic on its tip guided his vessel. Behind the dinghy was a trail of the same silvery ectoplasm that slithered and twisted like a snake.

Then the calm morning became eerily loud.

Suddenly, the air around us became filled with thousands of moans of terror and agony. The worst part? They originated from underneath the water of the ocean, and that made their screams wet and gurgly. It almost sounded like the Shades were choking on their own blood, and I shuddered at the horrific images my imagination put before me.

Finally, the Ferryman’s vessel came to a stop against the sandy beach. Charon stepped off his ship, waded over to the back of his boat, and held the enchanted staff at the ready. Then he jabbed the hook of the staff into the water, almost as if he were spearfishing, and came out with a terrified Shade attached to the end.

“W-Where the fuck am I?” the Shade demanded. “I was just minding my own business, walking down the sidewalk, and now I’m here?”

Charon simply shook his head and pointed toward Limbo. “Welcome to your new home, Jeremiah Neil,” he said ominously. “All will be explained by the mayor of Limbo. But now, you must go.”

The horrified, shivering, naked man nodded his head and then wandered off into the night.

Charon repeated the process a dozen more times, until the final soul was released into the First Circle, and then he stabbed his staff into the sand with a sigh.

“I’ve been doing this job for several thousand millennia,” the Ferryman mused sadly as he looked up at us. “Informing people they are dead and doomed to spend eternity in Hell is a task that never gets easier. I’m glad to see you alive and well Jacob. I’ll admit, I was worried the next time I saw you, you’d be a Shade in my cargo.”

“Not quite,” I sighed. “We still have a mission to finish. You know what they say, there’s no resting until you’re dead.”

“I wouldn’t call what happens down here ‘resting,’” Charon retorted darkly. “What can I do for you, Jacob?”

“We need your help,” I explained. “Black Bart and his cronies robbed us and fled Limbo. We figured if anyone knew where he was, it would be you.”

Charon’s sunken eyes narrowed at my words, and he began to stroke his beard thoughtfully.

“Black Bart, huh?” he grumbled. “That fool commandeered one of my vessels a few centuries ago. I’d very much like to get it back.”

“That’s why we’re asking for your help, Charon,” Eligor said as she stepped forward. “If you help us get to Bart, not only will we get all of our items back, but you will also be reunited with your old ship.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t think I can be of much help,” the man in purpled sighed. “There’s a reason I haven’t been able to find my ship in hundreds of years. I’m just too busy. If I step away for even a few hours, who will guide all of these Shades to their respective Circles?”

“Yo, ZZ Top,” Todd whistled. “I’ll do it. I’ve always wanted to be the captain of my own ship!”

“You?” Charon scoffed. “No offense, my friend, but you’ll stick out like a sore thumb. Especially once you get to the lower Circles, where you cannot throw a rock without hitting a demon of some sort.”

“Are you a demon, bro?” the imp asked curiously.

“Todd!” Tris gasped. “You can’t just go around asking people if they’re a demon or not. That’s very rude.”

“It’s alright,” Charon promised. “What I am is … complicated. I’m not human, nor am I demon or angel. Much like this city, I exist on an astral plane that falls somewhere beyond the capabilities of the human mind.”

“So … not a demon?” Todd reiterated.

“Not a demon.” Charon shook his head.

“Alrighty then,” the imp said with a grin. “This’ll be a piece of cake.”

Todd did a couple athletic stretches for good measure, inhaled deeply, and then closed his eyes. Almost instantly, the imp’s skin began to bubble and change color. His legs and arms stretched out to human length, his horns melted into a head of unkempt black hair, and his soul patch extended so it hung all the way down to his bellybutton.

Within seconds, Todd was the spitting image of Charon.

“Tadaa!” he exclaimed as he did jazz hands. “It’s like looking in a mirror. Besides, you seem more like the strong, silent type that doesn’t really talk to anybody. Nobody will even know the difference.”

“Uhhh, strong silent type?” I asked, and we all turned to Todd.

“Yep,” my friend said with a nod. “No one will know the difference between me and buddy boy Charon here.”

“Silent?” I said.

“Sure,” Todd replied.

The succubi and I exchanged looks, but before we could point out to my best friend that he was full of shit, The Ferryman cut in.

“Hmmmm,” Charon pondered aloud. “I supposed all you would have to do is make my stops in the next few Circles and break the bad news to them … the magic of my staff and the boat will do the navigating automatically.”

“See?” Charon-Todd laughed. “No problemo, bro. I’m really good at breaking bad news to people. Like that time I had to tell Jakey’s parents their son got caught in the closet with Janet Harrison. I got to them before the principal did, but they were piiiisssed.”

“I’m not sure that’s the same level of bad news,” Charon pointed out.

Todd just shrugged. “You’ve never seen Jakey’s parents when they’re mad,” he explained. “Hell hath no fury like God-fearing midwestern parents when their child gets caught misbehaving.”

“I can actually second that,” I said with a chuckle. “Todd’s great at being a punching bag.”

“That’s totally not the words I would have used, bro,” the imp grumbled. “But thanks.”

Charon looked hesitant, but then he finally nodded, walked over to his doppleganger, and handed over his staff.

“There’s nothing to it,” he explained as Todd swiped the long piece of enchanted wood. “Just stand at the front of the boat, hold it out in front of you, and it will guide the way.”

“What about the Shades?” Todd questioned the ferryman. “Do I just jab the stick in the water, or … ”

“Precisely,” Charon confirmed. “Just keep placing the head of the staff into the water until it starts to come up empty, and then move on to the next Circle.”

“We need to make sure we don’t miss each other,” I explained. “My team has only made it as far as the Fourth Circle. If Todd gets any further than that, we won’t be able to catch up with him.”

“Then we must make sure we meet him in the Fourth Circle,” Charon confirmed. “There are many, many Shades who end up in the Second and Third Circles. I usually spend a few hours in each one due to the sheer size of my cargo.”

“Then we need to find Black Bart, get our shit back, and be in the Fourth Circle before Todd gets there,” Gula said as she slammed her fist into her open palm. “But where would Black Bart be?”

“It’s like you guys have never watched a single pirate movie in your lives,” Todd-Charon sighed. “Everybody knows after collecting a big ‘ol heap of booty, you go celebrate at Tortuga. It’s a fucking pirate’s paradise, bro.”

“I don’t think Tortuga is down here,” I chuckled. “That sounds a little too heavenly, even for the First Circle.”

Charon ran his hand down his beard as he pondered. “There is no ‘Tortuga,’” he explained, “but there are a handful of islands and ports around this Circle. I normally drop people off in the City of Limbo, but there have been a few times I’ve been directly instructed to take Shades to the other ones.”

“Why do other locations even exist?” I questioned the ferryman. “I thought everyone who came to the First Circle was put in the city of Limbo?”

The man in the purple hood shook his head. “There are some people who lived decent, Godless lives on Earth Realm that were before the time of cities,” Charon explained. “People like Aristotle or Einstein are able to adapt to life in a modern city easily. Prehistoric man, however, is not. Likewise, there are some people who come down here that just cause too much trouble to be thrown in with the rest of the bunch. Case in point, Black Bart.”

“He was supposed to stay in one of those ports?” Eligor interrupted, “but then he tricked you and stole your vessel.”

“That is correct,” Charon admitted somewhat bashfully. “Lucifer was not pleased about that one.”

“Alright, so he has to be at one of these ports or islands,” I pondered.

“I don’t think he’d go to one of the islands,” Tris added. “If he’s a real pirate and all that, he’s probably off celebrating his ‘victory’ over us. You can’t really do that on a secluded island.”

“I second that notion,” Charon said with a nod. “The islands of the First Circle are for the prehistoric men who ended up down here. A pirate would find no comradery there, only trouble.”

“Then it’s got to be one of the ports,” I concluded. “How many are there?”

“Only three,” Charon retorted. “Not including this one here.”

“Then we’d best check all three of them,” Eligor grumbled. “We need to get going. Time is of the essence. We can steal one of these vessels from the port, find our man, and then bring it back before anyone even realizes it’s gone.”

“I like the way you think, Eligor.” I grinned at the blonde. “Let’s get going.”

We turned to walk away, and the disguised Todd scurried over to Charon’s boat. I looked back over my shoulder and saw the imp leap into the dinghy, land at its front, and then use his glowing staff to push off. As he began to float off into the morning sunrise, I distinctly heard the imp singing Blow the Man Down. He had by far one of the worst singing voices I’d ever heard, but he was trying his damnedest to stay in tune.

“Do you think he’ll actually get all the Shades delivered?” Charon asked as we walked toward a collection of boats docked at the port. “I will admit I’m a little concerned.”

“Say what you will about Todd,” I reassured the ferryman, “but he’s never let me down before. He always finds a way to make things work, even if it’s in his own strange ways.”

“That only makes me feel mildly better,” the ferryman admitted.

“This one looks badass!” Tris nearly shouted as she ran over to one of the boats.

It was a tiny vessel, shaped almost as if it were an upside down banana. The ship had a singular upright mast with a lone sail, and it had hieroglyphics all over the side.

“Egyptian vessels are great for quick trips,” Charon explained, “but they’re way too small for a group like ours.”

“What about this one?” Gula spoke up. “This looks like the one Chef Ramsay always drives around at his lake house in California.”

The redheaded succubus was pointing at a bright red speed boat that floated gracefully in the water.

“It might work,” Charon admitted, “but that’s too modern and loud. We’d give ourselves away before we could even get to Black Bart.”

“Then what about this one?” Eligor suggested and pointed to one of the older ships.

It was a very long vessel that stood nearly two stories tall, and it was painted with a vibrant red and blue coat. The ship was made completely out of wood, and a large sail sat atop its deck, complimented by two smaller ones at the fore and the aft. There were also hundreds of long, branch-like oars that jutted out of each side.

“A Roman Naval Vessel,” Charon said with a grin. “That just might work.”

“Wait, wait,” Tris said in a fluster. “That’s an awwwful lot of oars, dude. Please don’t tell me we’re going to have to be the ones to man all of them. I’ve had enough exercise in the last few days to last me a lifetime.”

“You won’t be, my girl,” the ferryman chuckled. “I’m the Ferryman of Hell. I can make this vessel move without even lifting a finger. Observe.”

The man in the purple robe closed his eyes and lifted his hands toward the ship. Purple Hellfire arose from his open palms, and then it spread across the top of the ship like wildfire. As it rose up the three masts, the spell stretched itself into a series of glowing purple sails.

“Oh thank heavens,” Tris gasped. “I was really worried there was going to be a lot of work involved in this mission.”

“There still is,” I promised as I headed toward the boarding ramp. “We still have a Demon King to slay, remember?”

“That’s not work, Jacob,” Tris retorted and followed me up the ramp. “That’s revenge.”

Our group entered the vessel and took our places in various spots along the deck. Then Charon lifted his hands out in front of him once more, and we were off.

I nearly fell as the boat lurched forward, but instead I was stopped by Eligor’s arms.

“Easy there, Mr. Ralston,” she warned flirtatiously. “That armor must be weighing you down. More than you’re used to, anyway.”

The knight looked down at my crotch, and I knew exactly what she was referring to.

It took us nearly an hour to reach the first port, which was much larger than the one in Limbo. This one felt a lot more like your stereotypical fishing village, with seagulls swarming the sky and Shades in waders carrying bags of what I assumed to be fish. The landscape was rocky and green, completely devoid of any sort of skyscrapers or modern buildings.

As much as we would have loved to hang around the beautiful village, there was no sign of Black Bart’s ship, so we moved on.

The next port was almost two and a half hours away. The aesthetic of this one was ripped straight out of a Japanese history book. The port itself had a bunch of modern piers, but the city was surrounded by a large cobblestone wall. However, a handful of white and black multi-story buildings with thatched, curved roofs rose up from behind the barrier and gave us a peek at what lay inside.

“He’s not here, either,” I growled as we surveyed the port for any sign of Bart’s ship. “I guess that just leaves one more.”

Charon turned the ship around and pointed us in the direction of the final port city of the First Circle. We traveled for another hour, and the seas got rougher as we went.

The waves crashed against the side of the boat, and if it weren’t for Eligor using her elemental magic to keep them at bay, we would have been capsized.

Finally, after a long, grueling journey, we reached the third port.

The second I saw the final port, my eyes lit up with excitement. The surrounding landscape was full of palm trees and other tropical vegetation, and the village itself looked to rest among the forest. The buildings were made in the colonial style, with wooden beams and tile roofs and several large, circular windows. Torches of red Hellfire hung from the lampposts as well as the fronts of the buildings, and they illuminated the dirty, raunchy glory of the port.

Todd was fucking right. This place basically was Tortuga.

“We got him, Jacob!” Gula hissed, and then she bounded over to my side and pointed out at the port.

There it was, Black Bart’s ship.

“Wh-what has he done to my vessel?” Charon gasped. “It used to be beautiful, and now it just looks like any other filthy pirate ship.”

“It’s okay, dude,” Tris comforted the ferryman. “Once we get it back, you can make it return to its former glory.”

Charon sighed, and then he led our ship to one of the empty piers. We exited the vessel and made our way into the small trading village.

It really was like something ripped straight from a pirate movie. There were drunken sailors stumbling around, chasing women and firing their guns at each other. A Shade was running after a few of his livestock, which I assumed had been set free in the chaos, and another one stood atop a roof and made rooster noises.

“Excuse me,” I shouted to a nearby Shade to try and draw his attention, but he completely ignored me.

I tried again as another drunken sailor ran by, but once again, I was ignored. I was already pissed, but now I was getting madder by the second.

The next time a Shade ran past, I threw up a wall of violet Hellfire in his path. His eyes widened as he tried to halt his momentum, but he instead slammed face-first into my barrier and fell back into the mud with a dirty thump.

“Where is Black Bart?” I demanded. “I’m only going to ask once.”

The Shade had a look of pure terror in his eyes, and he pointed over toward a nearby building.

“Y-you’re looking for Bart?” he stammered. “He’s drinking in there. Something about celebrating a major victory or something like that. P-please, Mr. Demon Lord, don’t kill me.”

I wasn’t a Demon Lord, but I really wasn’t in the mood to correct the guy. Instead, I lowered my shield and stomped off toward the tavern. I opened the door forcefully, and my senses were assaulted with every vile smell known to man.

Pipe smoke and old beer mixed together with the smell of vomit, rat droppings, and men who hadn’t showered in hundreds of years, and I nearly hurled when it hit my nose. I took a deep breath, composed myself, and began to scan the tavern for our flamboyant friend.

Finally, I laid eyes on the fucker.

Black Bart was sitting at the bar next to the innkeeper from Limbo. He wore the same over-the top frock coat and hat, and he was laughing loudly as he talked to a handful of similarly-dressed pirates.

Without a moment’s hesitation, I drew my goat-headed dagger and moved on the fucker. The second I was within striking distance, I raised the weapon above my head, lurched forward, and stabbed it into his right hand to pin it against the bar.

Bart let out a wail of pain, and the entire tavern went silent.

A bunch of the pirates drew their guns and aimed them in my direction, ready to take down their new attacker.

I summoned red Hellfire into my free hand and held it high for all of them to see.

“My problem’s with Bart,” I announced. “Unless you want things to get messy, I suggest you all go back to your drinks.”

They must have taken the hint, because I heard the sound of several guns being re-holstered in unison.

“Y-you stabbed me in the fucking hand!” Bart whimpered, his normal pirate accent completely gone.

“That’s right,” I confirmed as I twisted the blade in his flesh, “and that’s not the worst thing I’m gonna do if you don’t tell me where all of our weapons are.”

“Th-they’re on the ship!” he pleaded. “Can you just take the blade out of my arm for two seconds?”

“I could,” I admitted, “but I won’t.”

I twisted the dagger again, and Bart let out another grunt of agony.

“You’re sadistic,” he said, nearly in tears.

“More sadistic than the guy who dresses up in stupid clothes and goes around robbing people?” I growled. “Wake up, asshole. You’re in Hell. There will always be retribution down here. Just be glad I’m not gunning for the First Circle, or you’d be number one on my shit list.”

“Uh, Jacob?” Tris’ voice broke my concentration. “The ship is leaving!”

I shot Black Bart one last venomous look, and then I yanked the dagger out of his hand. As he nursed his wound and whimpered like a kicked puppy, I turned around and dashed out the door of the tavern. The muddy ground squished under my armored boots as I ran to the pier with my friends close behind. We arrived, and I saw Bart’s ship was leaving without him.

“It must be the rest of his crew,” Gula explained. “They must have seen what was going on and decided to split.”

“Fucking pirates,” I hissed. “Always ready to cut and run.”

“They’re not going anywhere,” Eligor stated as she stepped to the front of the group. “I’ve got this.”

The blonde knight closed her eyes, dug her feet firmly into the ground, and then summoned lime-green Hellfire all around her body. She extended her arms out toward the sea, and two beams of the spell shot out into the water. Even in the light of the day, we could see the brilliant glow of the magic as it traveled underneath the waves at breakneck speed. Eligor’s Hellfire cut through the ocean like a shark honing in on its prey, and before we knew it, the spell had reached the boat.

The water around the fleeing vessel lit up with the green fire. Slowly, but surely, the waves began to part. As the very ocean began to split, the ship started to go lower and lower until it was out of our view.

“That should do it,” Eligor confirmed. “Now let’s go get these assholes.”

Gula and Tris both summoned their wings, and then they zipped around, grabbed Charon and me, and lifted us into the sky. The two succubi and the knight flew toward the ship, and Eligor held her spell the entire time.

Once we were in position over the fallen vessel, I could see the blonde knight’s work in all its glory.

Black Bart’s ship was sitting there, stranded on the ocean floor. A vortex of water swirled around it mockingly, but the ship itself was completely landlocked.

The five of us floated down to the top of the boat and landed on the deck with a gentle thud.

There were a handful of pirates on the deck, but they all had their hands up in surrender. Between Black Bart’s screams and the feat Eligor had just pulled off, they surely knew we weren’t in the mood to fuck around.

Gula released me from her grasp, and I sauntered forward, toward a pirate who was holding the Unhallowed Sword in his hands. As he trembled in fear, I snatched the weapon out of his possession and sheathed it back in its rightful place. I turned around to address my friends, and I let a sly grin spread up my face.

“How many of you guys have heard of walking the plank?” I asked coyly.

Chapter 15

Before any of us could even make a move on the remaining pirates, they dropped their weapons, turned around, and scurried over to the side of the ship. Without halting their stride, they hoisted themselves over the edge and leapt into the swirling water around them.

I couldn’t really blame them. The Shades knew that they weren’t able to drown, but they had no idea what kind of horrific shit this team of Hellfire magic users was gonna do to them. Honestly, we were just going to throw them overboard, anyways, so this saved us the trouble.

Without warning, the door of the captain’s quarters swung open, and a man with a bandana over his head dashed out in a panic.

“Snarls? Jam?” he called out for his long-gone crew. “What in the blazes is going on out h--”

Before he could finish his sentence, Tris’ foot shot out and kicked him square in the chest. The pirate let out a grunt of surprise as his body was tossed into the air, and then he screamed as he flew back into the swirling vortex of water around us.

“This. Is. Sparta!” Tris cackled.

The rest of us looked at the Sister of Sloth curiously, but she only shrugged.

“Was that really necessary?” Eligor asked.

“What?” she asked. “I was just channeling my inner Todd.”

“He’d be proud,” I laughed and looked around the ship. “Do you think that’s all of them?”

“Black Bart wouldn’t have had a large crew,” Charon explained. “It should come as no surprise to you that most pirates don’t end up in the First Circle. Usually, they go straight to the Fourth, the Circle of Greed.”

“Alright, then,” I confirmed. “Eligor, bring us back up to the surface. Tris and Gula? You guys go do one final sweep of the ship.”

“Sure thing, captain,” Tris joked and gave me a salute.

The two succubi summoned forth their weapons and cautiously walked over to the stairs that led below-deck. They crept downward, into the bowels of the ship, and I turned back to Eligor and Charon.

“Actually, Jacob,” Eligor sighed, “I was hoping you could help me get this thing back up.”

I waited for a sarcastic comment from the peanut gallery, some sort of erection joke or snide comment about ‘teamwork making the dream work.’ But nothing came.

It was kinda weird not having Todd around.

“I don’t know if I can lift this whole thing,” I admitted.

“You don’t have to raise it all the way,” the knight explained. “Just enough so I can get some water underneath of it. Surely you have the stamina to get it up for a few seconds, right?”

I shot the knight a coy look. Even for a ‘proper’ woman like Eligor, there was no way her phrasing was unintentional.

“I can get it up for waaay more than a few seconds,” I reassured the blonde woman. “Trust me on that one.”

“Then show me,” Eligor challenged with a smirk.

I closed my eyes and started to think about what had just happened with us. How Black Bart had gotten us drunk, only to rob us blind and flee. I thought about how, if we hadn’t had Charon or Eligor around, the bastard probably would have gotten away with it. He would have run off with my sword, and we would have spent lord knows how long trying to track him down. In the meantime, he would have robbed dozens more innocent people.

Black Bart was a disgusting individual, and just picturing his nasty face rocked me to my very core.

Green Hellfire sprouted from my hands, and I could hear it sizzle as it spread across the deck of the ship. I felt the weight of the vessel in my hands, but I simply grunted and began to raise them up into the air.

As I made the motion, the ancient wood of the ship creaked and groaned. I nearly fell down to my knees when I had the entire thing in a deadlift, but I was able to recover and keep myself upright. I could feel the veins in my neck popping out as I struggled to keep the massive ship afloat, and I was starting to worry that I was going to pop a blood vessel or tear a muscle or something from the strain.

“Holy fuck … ” Eligor gasped. “I never thought--”

“A little help here, please!” I demanded. “You can marvel later.”

“Oh, right,” the knight said with surprise. “On it.”

Even though my eyes were still closed, I could hear the sound of the crashing waves as they flowed underneath the ship. Suddenly, the weight lifted off my shoulders and the boat began to rock back and forth on top of the water. I released my emerald spell and instantly collapsed to the ground. Then I opened my eyes to see Eligor standing tall with both of her hands extended toward the raging waves around us.

The knight spun in a circle as the sides of the watery funnel glowed bright with her magic, broke off in small chunks of liquid, and then fell down underneath the ship. As the briny water underneath us continued to rise, so did our vessel. Soon, we were back at the surface of the ocean, level with the horizon.

“That … that was pretty damn impressive, Eligor,” I noted through a series of pants.

“You weren’t to shabby yourself,” the knight said matter-of-factly as she helped me back to my feet. “I counted that you kept it up for nearly a minute. That’s a new record for me.”

“Well, we can’t leave it at that,” I shot back coyly. “That’s a record I look forward to breaking.”

“Maybe when we have more time,” Eligor shrugged, “but for now, we need to head back to the Fourth Circle. Destiny awaits.”

“And Todd,” I reminded her. “We can’t forget that little guy.”

“Can’t we?” Eligor said through a grin. “Our future adventures would certainly be a lot easier.”

“Hey now,” I reminded her sternly, “Todd’s a valuable asset to our team. I don’t see anyone else transforming or turning invisible, do you? Plus, he’s got more occult knowledge than even you or most of the succubi. Plus he’s my best friend.”

“I’m kidding, Jacob,” the knight said with a raised eyebrow. “I wasn’t seriously suggesting leaving Todd behind. He’s kind of grown on me.”

“Good,” I retorted and turned to Charon. “How much longer do you think we have before we need to be at the meeting place?”

“We’ve actually made decent time,” the ferryman admitted. “At this point of the day, I would just be leaving the Third Circle. If we hurry, we can still catch your friend before he runs into any trouble.”

“The ship’s all clear, Jacob,” Gula announced as she and Tris returned to the deck. “Not a single Shade on board.”

“Excellent,” I nodded. “Now, how do we drive this thing? Do we just use the wheel, or--”

Before I could finish my sentence, Charon lifted his glowing hands into the air. The Hellfire sails flickered and twisted upon their masts, and then they whipped around so they were sideways. Instantly, the ship began to turn to the right, until we were pointed in the right direction. Then, the sails returned to the forward position, and we were off.

“Black Bart may have made numerous changes to the ship,” Charon explained with a laugh, “but it’s still my ship. Sit back and enjoy the ride. I’ll take you to where we need to go.”

We sailed at an unusually fast pace for about thirty minutes, until we finally came upon a portion of land where the ocean flowed up and turned into a river that cut through the brimstone of the First Circle.

“Welcome to the Demonic Estuary,” Charon explained. “Normally, this is how you go from one Circle to the next.”

“You drive a boat up into the regular ‘ol river, and that’s it?” I said in disbelief. “We went swimming in the River of Souls to get through the gates.”

“For all your powers and cunning, I forget you’re still mortal,” Charon mused as he shook his head. “Look around you, Jacob. Every single body of water in Hell is part of the River of Souls. It’s the main form of transportation around this dimension. You just have to have the right magic.”

“Your coin,” I said slowly.

“My coin, my staff, my ship,” Charon responded with a shrug. “It really doesn’t matter. It just has to be something that’s been endowed with my magic.”

“Are we going to fit?” Tris pondered aloud as we approached the estuary. “We’re kinda carrying a wide load here.”

The second we touched the mouth of the river, the ground around it began to rumble and groan. Both shores began to retract, and the river was widened until it was large enough for the boat to pass by without issue. There was a slight bump as we entered the river, and then our ride became smooth as can be.

We journeyed up the river for a mile or two, and then I heard Gula let out a gasp of horror.

“Guys, I think we’re headed toward a waterfall!” the redheaded succubus screamed.

“Of course we are,” Charon scoffed. “How else do you think we get to a deeper layer?”

The two succubi, Eligor, and I all ran over and grabbed on to the nearest solid object on the deck, but Charon simply stood there with his hands on his hips.

“Everybody hold on!” I exclaimed as I clung to a neg just off to my left.

The next thing I knew, our ship went over the edge. Charon’s joyous bellows filled the air as the vessel’s nose tipped downward, and my heart jumped up into my throat. Then, we plummeted down into the abyss as we screamed in terror.

Wind. Howling winds that threatened to blow down even the sturdiest of structures. That’s the next thing I remembered.

When I finally stopped screaming and opened my eyes, I saw we were now peacefully floating along a river in the Second Circle. We were down at the bottom of a massive ravine, and the shore was covered with the mangled bodies of Shades who had fallen for the Circle’s trap.

When we were last here, I’d discovered you hallucinate your innermost desires, and then are forced to chase them for all eternity. Usually, this led to severe and gruesome injuries, but the cruel irony was Shades couldn’t die. Instead, they would injure themselves, get back up, and then continue to chase their wildest dreams in agony.

It was sick and twisted, but I guess that was Hell for you.

“I’ve found the best way to avoid temptation in the Second Circle is to just close your eyes as you’re traveling through,” Charon advised. “The wind is actually really peaceful that way.”

We continued through the Second Circle for another twenty minutes, and then we came to another waterfall. This time, Gula was the only one to scream as we went over the edge.

We arrived at the Third Circle, and I was suddenly reminded how much of a shit hole the whole place was. The sleety air made goosebumps rise on my skin, and I couldn’t help but shiver as we passed through.

“Wow,” Charon observed as we floated past Vermis’ old dwelling. “You really did a number on this place, didn’t you?”

“That’s the power of bronze Hellfire for you,” Gula noted with a shrug.

“Bronze Hellfire?” Charon’s voice became darkly curious. “I’ve never met anyone who had those abilities before. And I’ve met every demon known to man.”

“It’s weird, I know,” I admitted, “but it’s what I’ve got, and it’s helped us out a hell of a lot of times.”

Thankfully, the river in the Third Circle was the shortest of them all. We were only in the slushy wasteland for a total of fifteen minutes, and then we hit the final drop. The world went black, and then the next thing I remember, I heard chirping bats.

We were back in the Fourth Circle.

Our ship was floating on a large lake in the middle of a mountainous valley. Off in the distance, down one of the offshoots of the lake, sat a large stone tower. At the shoreline underneath the tower, there was a small dinghy that glowed with purple Hellfire.

Todd, still disguised as Charon, was sitting indian-style on the beach, and he hopped up and waved his staff excitedly when he saw us.

“How did he get here before us?” Charon gasped. “We should have beaten him by at least an hour.”

We sailed up next to the spot where Todd was standing, and then Charon halted our momentum. The five of us exited the boat so we could greet our friend.

“What took ya so long?” the imp chuckled as he turned back into his normal self. “I’ve been waiting here for nearly two hours.”

Charon took a step back, and his normally-expressionless face contorted in shock.

“T-two hours?” he uttered. “How is that possible?”

“I dunno,” Todd admitted with a shrug. “For some reason, the Shades just wanted to scramble away as soon as I pulled ‘em out of the water. I tried to talk to them, give ‘em a little pep talk, and then send them on their way, but they weren’t having it.”

“A pep talk, or a pep song?” I asked curiously. “I remember all the times you tried to pump me up with your wonderful singing.”

“Well, I mean … I started rapping Lose Yourself word-for-word,” Todd explained, “but I don’t see how that would be relevant here at all.”

“Fascinating,” Charon observed. “You cut my route time in half just by being annoying. I might have to start trying that.”

Todd gave a miniature bow. “You’re welcome, ZZ Top,” he chuckled. “At least you can finally take your staff back. I don’t know how you wield that thing all the time. It’s like if my schlong got injected with steroids. Only a lot less veiny. And not quite as smooth. And-”

“Thank you, Todd,” Charon interrupted before the imp could continue bragging about his dick. “Your help has been much appreciated. As has yours, Jacob Ralston and friends. Thanks to you, I have my precious ship back after all these years.”

“Don’t mention it,” I said with a nod. “You’re the one we need to thank. Without your help, we never would have found Black Bart and reclaimed our weapons.”

“The pleasure is all mine,” the man in the purple robe admitted. “I’m supposed to be a force of neutrality in these parts, but I must say … I hope you do end up taking over the Fourth Circle. I’d much rather deal with you than Azazel.”

“Actually,” I asked curiously. “Could you do us one more favor before we part ways?”

“Of course, my friend,” the bearded man nodded. “As long as I am not directly interfering with your affairs, I will do whatever I can to help.”

“Those boxes of artillery are still on the ship,” I explained. “We have a small following of Shades who are willing to help us in the fight. Can you deliver these weapons to them before you leave the Fourth Circle?”

“We’re not keeping it for ourselves?” Eligor asked curiously.

“There’s no way in Hell we can carry around that much artillery,” I explained. “But a small army of Shades can. Besides, this is gonna be a stealth mission. You can’t really be ‘stealthy’ if you’re going around firing off a machine gun.”

“I see you’ve never played Hitman, bro,” Todd mused. “There’s nothing stealthier than killing everybody so there’s nobody left to sound the alarm.”

“I will deliver the weapons to your friends,” Charon agreed. “Good luck, Jacob.”

The ferryman gave us a slow nod, and then he turned around and headed toward the boarding ramp of his boat.

“Wait!” Tris called out as he left. “What about the little one?”

The ferryman stopped in his tracks, turned to us, and made a downward motion with his hand.

“That old thing?” he asked. “I don’t need it anymore. You guys keep it. You’ll need it to get to Azazel’s castle. If you follow the River of Souls, it goes directly past the King of the Fourth Circle’s dwelling. Not to mention, if Jacob becomes the new ruler of this place, he’s going to need a way to travel through the different Circles … ”

With that, the man in the purple robe whipped around and marched up the ramp of his ship ominously. The ramp began to glow with purple Hellfire, and then it lifted itself up into the air and retracted back into the vessel itself. There was a loud clanking of metal as the anchor lifted up out of the water, and then the sails on Charon’s boat turned toward the horizon. The ship began to drift down the river, and the ectoplasmic trail of Shades detached from Todd’s dingy and started to follow Charon like a loyal puppy.

We watched as the ferryman’s ship disappeared over the horizon, and then we were left all alone.

“I can’t believe this is it,” I observed as I sat down on the sandy beach. “Our next stop is Azazel’s castle. No more side quests. No more time to power up or grow our connection. We’re really about to head over to his castle, free your Sister, and kill that son of a bitch once and for all.”

“Yeah, bro,” Todd added. “Who ever would have guessed me wasting our rent money on an ancient book would lead to us standing in the literal Fourth Circle of Hell?”

“Actually, that’s one of the more logical predictions I would have come up with,” I chuckled. “Now, having a cult following and acting as Heaven’s bounty hunter? That’s something I never saw coming.”

“We should get a move on,” Eligor interjected. “There is no way word of our plight hasn’t spread around the Fourth Circle. The longer we wait, the more time Azazel has to prepare. And, it should be obvious why we don’t want to give the Father of Warfare any time to prepare.”

I pulled myself to my feet, looked around at my friends, and patted my breastplate triumphantly.

“Then let’s get to it,” I said as I observed their nervous eyes. “Next stop, Azazel’s castle.”

Chapter 16

The current of the river was fast and swift as it carried us closer and closer to Azazel’s castle, but the boat ride toward our final destination was eerily quiet. We had set off down the River of Souls nearly an hour ago, and it was at that point that our mission had become as lively as a funeral procession.

The flow of the river was so strong we didn’t even have to row. Instead, we all just crammed into the small dingy and sat in silence as we moved through the Fourth Circle.

I suspected we must have been getting closer, because the happy, vibrant colors of the landscape began to fade away. They were replaced by a strange mixture of rocky brimstone and dead, brown grass that stretched out as far as the eye could see. To make things even stranger, the sun seemed to change colors in the sky. Instead of the normal light it provided to the rest of the Circle, everything in our current environment was covered with a splash of deep red.

It was unnerving, to say the least.

“There it is, guys,” I heard Gula sigh. “Azazel’s castle.”

I looked off in the horizon, off to where the succubus had been pointing.

That’s when I saw it.

Azazel’s castle stretched high above the landscape. Even from as far away as we were, I could guess it stood at least twenty stories tall and stretched a mile wide. Unlike everything else in the Fourth Circle, Azazel’s dwelling was a combination of modern and traditional architecture.

Its exterior was made up of black brimstone boulders that were held together by some sort of mortar or grout, but the entire exterior appeared to be polished down so it was nearly chrome-like in appearance. The castle also had your typical medieval components, such as multiple towers, a thick wall with a drawbridge, and a large keep encrusted with jewels and stained glass artwork.

Most peculiar, however, was the tower that stood at the center of the structure. It stretched upward as if it were reaching for the heavens, and it was taller than any other part of the castle by a mile. It came to a head with a massive triangular point.

“That’s where Invidia will be,” Gula explained. “It’s the Warfarer’s Keep, the place where Azazel likes to keep all of his prisoners of war. It’s heavily guarded, and there’s only a handful of ways we can get up there, so it would be the perfect spot to hide her.”

We were now about a mile out from the castle, so I used my telekinetic Hellfire to guide the dinghy to the beach. The five of us exited the boat, pulled it up further onto the rocky ground, and turned our attention back to the castle.

Then we gathered up every single weapon and item we could carry on our person and set off on foot toward Azazel’s dwelling. Even with our bag full of gear, armor, and weapons, we made decent time and arrived near the gates in about twenty minutes. Once we were about five-hundred feet from the entrance, we ducked behind a large rock formation so we could devise a plan.

“So, I’m assuming flying up there is out of the question?” I pondered aloud.

“That’s a bingo, dude,” Tris spoke up. “You see all those towers along the outside wall? They’re full of archers. The second we try to fly up there, we’ll be shot out of the sky.”

“Then we’ll have to go in from the ground,” Eligor growled.

“How are we gonna do that?” Todd questioned. “It’s not like Azazel is gonna see us coming and bring out the welcome wagon.”

“Not for us,” I said as the lightbulb went on in my brain. “But he might for Eligor!”

“Are you suggesting using me as bait?” the knight asked curiously.

“Not bait,” I clarified. “A ploy. You walk up to the gates, explain that you have an urgent message from Lilith, and then demand they let you in. Todd can come along with you as long as he stays invisible. Once the two of you are inside, you take out the guards and let the rest of us in.”

“That’s pretty complicated,” Tris sighed. “Why can’t we just use your green Hellfire to teleport inside the walls?”

“Seriously?” Gula retorted with a roll of her eyes. “Azazel has a powerful counter-curse over his dwelling for that exact reason. We lived here for many millennia, Tristitia. How do you not know this?”

“I never asked,” the brunette succubus admitted with a shrug. “It’s not like I wanted to spend that much time in the castle, anyway. I high-tailed it to Earth Realm any chance I possibly could.”

“Fair enough,” I grumbled. “I wouldn’t want to be around that fucker twenty-four seven, either.”

“Then it looks like your charade will have to do,” Elgior confirmed with a nod. “I just hope it will work. As you know, Lilith and Azazel don’t exactly have the greatest relationship.”

“No,” I agreed, “but they’re both still high-ranking demons under Lucifer’s command. They have to at least pretend to play nice in order to keep up appearances.”

“Or he could let Eligor in just so he has an excuse to kill her in private,” Tris interjected. “That’d be quite the twist.”

“Pffft,” Todd scoffed. “That’s why I’m going along, Slothy. Things start to go south, and the Toddster will be there to swoop in and save the day!”

“Azazel might be sadistic and vile,” Eligor explained, “but he’s still a demon of honor.”

“We literally watched him rip an innocent man in half one time,” I reminded the knight. “After the man had helped him find us. I wouldn’t exactly call that ‘honorable.’”

“Was the man a human?” Eligor questioned.

“Well yes, but--”

“That’s why,” she confirmed. “Azazel thinks humans are the absolute slime of the Earth and that their only purpose is to serve those who are ‘fit’ to rule over them. He has no honor toward mortals. A demon or angel, on the other hand? Yes.”

“I hope you’re right,” I sighed. “Because if you’re not, things are gonna get messy for you and Todd.”

“We’ll be fine, bro,” Todd reassured me. “We’ve got one of the most badass warriors in the entire universe sneaking into that castle. And if things start looking bad, he’s got Eligor to back him up.”

“Right,” Eligor sighed. “It’s now or never, Todd. Let’s go.”

The imp gave us one last flex to show off his muscles, and then he disappeared in a flash.

Eligor stepped out from behind the boulder, faced the castle, and began to make the long trek toward its front gate.

“Good luck,” I whisper-shouted to the knight.

Tris, Gula, and I watched anxiously as we saw Eligor’s scantily-clad figure strut up to the front gates like she owned the place. Finally, she stopped, looked up at the guard tower, and raised her hands to her mouth.

“My name is Eligor, fallen knight of the Divine and right-hand to Lilith,” she shouted, and her voice echoed across the landscape. “My mistress wishes me to deliver a message to Azazel. I demand a quorum with the King of the Fourth Circle, immediately.”

There was silence for a moment, and I could hear nothing but my own heart pounding in my ears. Then, there was a booming mechanical sound of chains turning on a wheel, and the gate lowered to the rocky ground with a large crash.

Eligor gave a nod to whoever had just lowered the door, and then she cautiously entered through the brimstone archway. The second she was through the gates, the mechanical sound started again, and the large wooden door closed up behind her.

Was this going to work? Or was Azazel onto us? He already knew we were down here in the Fourth Circle, and he surely knew we’d eventually be coming for him. We’d been careful to cover our tracks as far as Eligor was concerned, so now we just needed to hope we’d covered them good enough.

If Azazel’s minions recognized the knight as an enemy, we were fucked. If they only recognized her as Lilith’s messenger, however, we were gonna storm the castle, and the first phase of our final battle would begin.

The tension was so thick in the air that it almost cancelled out the putrid smell of sulfur.

Almost.

“I don’t hear any fighting,” Gula observed. “Is that good or bad?”

“It could be either,” I admitted. “We just have to wait and see.”

The three of us continued to peer out from behind the rock formation, completely on edge.

Finally, the sound of clinking metal filled the landscape, and the massive wooden door was lowered back down to the ground. As it fell, I could scarcely make out the image of a small, red figure standing triumphantly on the edge of the door. Todd had his hands on his hips in a superhero pose as he rode the falling behemoth to the ground, and then he skipped happily off the second it crashed against the brimstone.

“Heeeeeeyyyyy yooooouuuuu guuyyyyyssssss!” he called out.

I leapt out from behind the boulder and made a “shhhhh” motion to the imp. Then, I waved the succubi to follow, and the team sprinted to the gate.

“How’d it go, Todd?” I asked as soon as we were on the bridge.

“Way better than I could have even dreamed, Jakey,” Todd explained. “I totally snuck up on those bastards, snapped their neck all spy-like, and then gave ‘em a Stone Cold Stunner just for good measure. Eligor helped, too.”

“I believe I killed three of the demons,” the blonde knight corrected as she appeared at the gate. “You only killed one.”

“Hey, that’s twenty-five percent of the work,” Todd said with a shrug. “I’d say I did my fair share.”

“Mhmmm.” Eligor sounded unamused, and then she turned to me. “We took them out stealthily. Swords through the heart of the first two, and then I smashed the third one’s head in with a rock. I don’t know how Todd killed the last one, but apparently he did it silently.”

“I told you guys,” the imp sighed. “I totally sliced open his throat so he couldn’t scream, and then I gave him the Stunner.”

“I thought you snapped his neck?” Gula asked curiously. “Or did you cut his throat open first?”

“Yes,” Todd said with a nod.

“So, how long do you think we have until they realize their guards are gone?” I asked the blonde knight.

“I’m not sure,” she admitted. “We bought ourselves some time thanks to our stealth takedowns, but there are dozens of guards all over the castle. I don’t know how we’re going to be able to sneak past all of them.”

“I don’t think we can,” I sighed. “But we can take them out as quietly as we can. Is there a spot in particular where they would be concentrated?”

“The dining hall,” Gula said as the lightbulb came on in her head, “but that’s generally only during lunch or dinner hours. They used to go crazy for my vargrat flank steak. Hell, when they smelled that, they’d come running from all around the castle!”

Tris gasped and slapped Gula’s shoulder.

“That’s it!” the brunette succubus explained. “We need to get you down to the kitchen and get you a-cookin’.”

“You really think that’s going to work?” Eligor scoffed as she pulled the lever to close the drawbridge.

“I know it will,” Tris explained. “Look, these demon minion dudes might look scary, but they’re stupid as shit. I seriously never understood why Azazel swore by them.”

“Because they’re the perfect grunt,” Gula answered. “No personality, driven by primal instincts, and too dumb to talk back. You should remember how many times our mouths got us in trouble, Sister.”

“Alright, so they smell the vargrat meat and come running into the dining hall,” Todd said as he tried to follow the plan. “Then what?”

“Then, I bring the fucking roof down on top of them,” I explained. “If Gula’s right, and the majority of the guards will be in there, then I can use my bronze Hellfire to destroy the ceiling, and they’ll all be crushed by the falling brimstone.”

“Won’t that alert Azazel to our position?” Eligor questioned.

“Probably,” I continued. “But do you have another plan? We could always just bring it down and then run.”

“Orrrr, this is crazy, but hear me out,” Todd interjected. “You could totally Temple of Doom the bastards. It’d be a lot quieter. And a lot more fun.”

“Todd … that’s genius,” I said as a massive grin spread up my face.

“I’m not following,” Eligor muttered.

“Once all the demon grunts are in the dining hall, I can make a giant cube of purple Hellfire around them,” I explained. “Then, before they can fight back or sound the alarm, I can bring the walls together and smash them like insects.”

“I … I actually like that idea,” Eligor said in shock. “Good job, Todd.”

“No biggie,” the imp said nonchalantly as he picked at his teeth with a claw. “That’s why I’m in charge around here, Goldilocks.”

“There’s just one issue,” Gula sighed. “The daily shipment of vargrat meat doesn’t arrive until late at night, when the hunters return from the Hunter’s Plains.”

“Then we’ll have to improvise,” I said as I nodded to one of the fallen demon grunts.

Gula gasped and put her hands over her mouth.

“Y-you don’t mean … ” she stuttered.

“Hello, Clarice,” Todd giggled creepily and immediately followed with a creepy-ass slurping noise.

“I know it’s not ideal,” I admitted, “but we have to work with what we got. Besides, Gula, you’re the greatest chef I know. If anyone can make dead demon smell like a vargrat, it’d be you.”

“I’ll take ‘phrases I never thought would be said in the history of the universe,’ for two-hundred, Alex,” Tris joked with an extended finger.

“Alright.” Gula cracked her hands together in anticipation. “Then let’s get started. This demon isn’t going to cook itself.”

“That’s the spirit,” I chuckled. “Everybody grab a body.”

Tris, Todd, Eligor, and I each picked up a demon corpse and flung them over our shoulders.

These things had only been dead for a few minutes, but they were already beginning to reek. To make matters worse, their bodies were filling up with all sorts of gasses, and they were bloated beyond belief.

The four of us followed Gula toward the kitchen quarters of Azazel’s castle. If I thought the outside of the structure looked eclectic, then I had no words to describe the inside.

The interior of the dwelling couldn’t decide if it was a medieval castle, or some twenty-something’s man-cave. There were bright red carpets with frilly yellow trim laid out on the floor to mark the pathways, but then there were neon signs with pin-up girls and beer logos all over the walls. To make things even stranger, every now and again we would see a hand-painted portrait of the demon fucker. There were dozens of these pictures, all with Azazel in a different pose, with clothing from all different time periods.

If I really did take over this place, I was gonna need to hire an interior designer to fix this trainwreck.

Finally, after about a ten-minute walk, we reached the kitchen.

Azazel must have liked his meals gourmet, because there was absolutely nothing in the kitchen that wasn’t modern. All of the countertops, sinks, and grills were made up of a shiny chrome that reflected the fluorescent lights above like a metal beacon.

“Home sweet home,” Gula sighed, and then she walked over and began to wash her hands. “Just set the bodies over on the meat counter, and then we can get to work.”

The rest of the team plopped the corpses down onto a large metal countertop, and each of us gagged from the smell.

“I really hope you’re as good as a chef as you claim,” Eligor said as she held her nose. “These things reek of death.”

“Ye of little faith,” Gula shot back. “Todd, I need you to get into the spice cabinet and fish out the salt, pepper, cumin, and garlic and onion powder.”

“Cumin on steak?” Todd gasped. “What kind of--”

“Now!” the redhead barked.

“Yes, Chef!” the imp gulped and scurried off to find the ingredients.

“Tris,” Gula continued, “I need you to grab one of those cast-iron pots, put a thin layer of oil into it, and then get it cooking over the stove.”

The tall succubus nodded and then dashed over to the pots.

“Eligor and Jacob,” she mused as she looked at us, “I want you to grab a cleaver and a filleting knife.”

“Dare I ask what for?” Eligor sighed.

Gula’s eyes narrowed. “You know exactly what for,” she said darkly.

Eligor and I walked over and found a magnetic strip on the wall filled with all sorts of hanging knives. We quickly identified the two we needed, plucked them off the wall, and then went over to the dead demons.

“This is really fucking gross,” I gagged. “Even for us.”

“Like you said,” the blonde knight shot back. “We have to work with what we have.”

I took a deep breath, raised the cleaver above my head, and then slammed it down on the demon grunt. I hit the space where his arm connected to his shoulder, and his entire appendage fell off with a wet pop.

Eligor picked up the arm, held the knife to its flesh, and then began to carve off chunks of muscle into long, thin strips.

Gula appeared over the knight’s shoulder with a large metal tray.

“Put them on here,” she ordered.

Eligor and I continued to hack ‘n slash the demon’s bodies until there was a large pile of meat on the tray. There was quite literally a small mountain of flesh, but we needed it to be as aromatic as possible if we wanted to attract all the demons to this area.

“I got ‘em!” Todd exclaimed from across the room and held up a handful of metal tubes.

“Well?” Gula growled. “They aren’t going to do us any good all the way over there, now are they?”

“No, Chef!” Todd exclaimed as he ran over to the redhead.

The succubus placed the tray of meat down on the counter next to us and began to season them en masse. Once she was satisfied, she dashed over to Tris and began to place them into the fryer.

“Alright, guys,” Gula explained. “Go get in position. It’s showtime.”

Todd, Eligor, Tris, and I quickly wiped the blood off our hands and ran out of the room. Then Tris led us down the hallways of the castle until we arrived at the main dining hall.

The room was massive, and it looked way too nice for a place like this. The ceilings were at least fifteen feet tall, and the room itself had to have been the size of a football field. Old wooden tables were all over the hall, complete with equally old benches on their sides. They were all made of a fine dark oak, but they had certainly seen better days.

I nearly doubled over in laughter when I saw what rested on the far wall. There, on the other side of the room, stood a massive mural of Azazel. He was in a goofy-as-fuck pose with one hand in a victorious fist and the other extending the Unhallowed Sword up to the sky. In the painting, the King of the Fourth Circle wore a crown made of solid gold, and he was standing atop the corpse of Raphael gloatingly.

Yeah, that was definitely gonna be the first thing to go.

“Up there,” Eligor said as she pointed toward the ceiling. “We can hide in the rafters.”

Before I could even utter a word, I heard the metal of Eligor’s armor clash against mine as she flew behind me and then lifted me into the air. The tables on the ground became smaller as we rose up to the large wooden beams on the ceiling. Once we were level with the rafters, Eligor gently sat me down on the wood. It creaked underneath my weight, and for a moment I feared it was going to snap in two.

Todd and Tris landed beside us, and they both clung to the wooden beam as they waited for the next step of the plan.

As if right on cue, my nostrils began to pick up a garlicky, spicy scent.

“Okay,” Todd mumbled. “I totally know that’s dead body and all, but that shit smells delicious.”

“That’s the plan,” I chuckled. “I just really hope it works.”

“It will,” Tris reiterated. “We lived here for hundreds of thousands of years, dude. The demons will come running the second they smell Gula’s cooking. Shit, we’ve been gone for so long, I wouldn’t be surprised if they tore the entire wall down trying to get here and taste Gula’s food.”

We waited patiently as the smell of the food wafted through the building. Then, after a few more minutes, I heard a rumbling from far off.

Suddenly, a whole horde of demon grunts burst through the door. They had their filthy noses in the air, and they sniffed hungrily as they searched for the source of the odor. Several of them were drooling down their pointed chins, and they were making an inhuman sound that reminded me of a chirping bird mixed with an angry raptor.

“Fifty-nine … Sixty … Sixty-one … ” Tris counted in a whisper. “That’s it. With the other four already dead, that’s sixty-five, which should be all of them.”

“Then it’s time to turn them into a demonic mush,” I mused.

I closed my eyes and thought about the ultimate goal of this mission. Sure, I wanted to kill Azazel and take over his kingdom, but that wasn’t the main reason I was here. I was here because the fucker wouldn’t leave us alone. As long as the King of the Fourth Circle was alive, my friends wouldn’t be safe. He would keep sending his minions after us. He would keep watching us from the comfort of his home, with his stupid magic mirror giving up our every move on Earth Realm.

Make no mistake, this entire mission was to protect my friends.

I felt energy course through my body, and a dull tingle in my temples told me my horns had grown to full mast. I opened my eyes to see both of my arms were completely covered with purple Hellfire, and I was ready to cast the spell that was going to kill all these grunts.

I couldn’t help but smile wickedly as I threw out my hands and summoned two giant walls of violet flames. The first one blocked the exit completely, and the second appeared right in front of that horrific picture of Azazel.

The demons below me began to panic, and they pounded at the Hellfire barrier helplessly. A few of them looked up and started to hiss angrily, but I was in no mood for a fight.

I clapped my hands together, and the two walls followed.

There was a sickening crunch, followed by a wet squish.

“Fucking grody, bro,” Todd whistled. “You ever seen those machines that squish Play-Doh into shapes? Because that’s totally what that looks like down there.”

The imp was right.

I released my spell, and a mess of blood, guts, and crushed bones splattered against the pristine red carpets of the dining hall.

There had been sixty-one demons in this room, and now their bodies were nothing more than a heap of gore.

“Alright,” Eligor sighed. “I’ll admit, that was very impressive.”

“No time for celebration yet,” I interjected as I summoned a series of descending purple platforms. “We still have a succubus to save.”

I hopped down the makeshift staircase and landed on the brimstone floor.

Todd, Eligor, and Tris fluttered down beside me, and then the four of us walked out of the dining area and into the hallway.

“I just saw the whole thing!” Gula exclaimed when she came around the corner. “That was intense.”

“I have a bad feeling that what just happened in there isn’t even close to the most intense thing that’s gonna happen today,” I sighed. “This mission is far from over.”

“Agreed,” Gula said with a nod. “We still need to get to the top of the spire. Follow me.”

The redheaded succubus led the way through the neon-lighted hallways. This entire place was built like a maze, and I was very grateful all of the Circle of Sin knew their way around. Without the succubi, we’d be flying blind in a hostile castle.

And, as Todd would say, that would be no bueno.

Finally, we came to a large red door. It was nearly double my height and nearly twice as wide. The initials “AK” were scratched into the door, and there was an oversized black metal ring that acted as the door knob.

The only problem? It was completely covered with red Hellfire.

“What’s the deal here, Gula?” I asked curiously.

“It’s one of Azazel’s protective spells,” she grumbled. “Apparently, there are three tasks we have to complete in order to make it to the top of the tower, each with their own puzzle to solve. This is the first.”

“Have any of you ever been past this part?” I asked the redhead.

“Unfortunately, no,” Gula said as she hung her head in shame. “Azazel never let us into his keep, so none of us know for sure.”

“There’s something over here,” Eligor pointed out as she walked over to the wall. “Something carved into the brimstone. It’s in Latin.”

I approached the spot where the knight was pointing and squinted. Sure enough, there were several words scrawled into the black brimstone. I summoned red Hellfire into my hand, held it up so I could get better lighting, and started to transcribe.

“It says ‘the domain of the damned,’” I pondered aloud. “And then there’s a bunch of numbers and symbols. I think … son of a bitch, it’s a math problem.”

“Sia,” all four of my friends said in unison.

“You’re probably right,” I laughed. “This shit is way to complex for me. I barely passed calculus in high school.”

“I’ll go,” Gula volunteered. “I may be a decent chef, but I’m no help with riddles and math.”

“You’re not just a ‘decent chef,’” I reassured the curvy redhead as I placed my free hand on her shoulder. “You’re the best goddamn chef in the universe.”

Gula looked down at the ground and blushed.

“Stop,” she muttered. “Send me back before I decide I want to push you to the ground and ride you right here and now.”

“Tempting, but you’re probably right,” I chuckled.

I released my grip on Gula’s shoulder, raised my finger to my arm, and tapped the tattoo of the flaming axe.

Gula was engulfed with the brilliant white light and disappeared instantly.

I moved my finger over to the flaming gold hand, pressed it into my bicep firmly, and summoned Superbia.

The succubus’ petite figure appeared in the shimmering white spell, and then she stepped forward with a small shudder.

“I’m still not sure I will ever be used to that,” she admitted. “What can I help with, Jacob?”

I quickly explained the situation to Sia and watched her expression turn from one of concern to one of curiosity.

Superbia walked over to the writing on the wall, rubbed her chin, and pondered its meaning. She stared at the scratched-up brimstone intensely for a few minutes, and then she spun around with a smug look on her face.

“I thought you said this was going to be hard?” the madame giggled. “The answer to the math problem is ‘nine.’”

“Nine?” I asked rhetorically. “What does that mean? Do we need to tap on it nine times or something?”

“Perhaps we need nine people to break the spell?” Eligor suggested.

“No,” Sia shook her head. “Azazel always came to this place on his own. Unless he somehow could split into nine different people, that is not it.”

As Eligor, Sia, and I racked our brain and tried to figure out the puzzle, my nose caught the sweet scent of pot. I spun around and saw Tris and Todd had both lit up and were passing a thick joint back and forth between each other.

“What?” Todd asked. “It’s ‘Mind-Fucker.’ This strain makes your brain go to crazy places, bro.”

“Yeah, Jacob,” Tris added. “It’s opening up our minds and helping us think!”

I facepalmed and turned back to the members of the team who were serious about solving the puzzle.

“It also reads ‘the domain of the damned,’” I explained. “That has to be part of the equation.”

“Hell does a lot of things in nines,” Eligor sighed. “There are nine Demon Kings, nine Demon Queens, nine factions of demons under each domain, nine circles of Hell--”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Tris stopped the knight in her tracks. “I think I’m having an epiphany.”

Todd jumped to his feet and slapped his hands against his cheeks.

“Somebody call a fucking ambulance!” he gasped. “Don’t worry, Slothy, the Toddster is trained in CPR!”

“An epiphany, Todd,” I explained.

The imp looked over at me, but his bloodshot eyes made me realize I needed to explain further.

“Like, a sudden realization,” I continued.

“Ohhhhh,” the imp said with a slow nod. “Why didn’t you just say so?”

“It’s the nine Circles of Hell,” Tris interjected. “Think about it. ‘Domain of the damned?’ All of Lucifer’s forces are part of the Army of the Damned, and this is where we all live. It’s our domain.”

“Okay, so we know what the text is referring to,” Eligor sighed. “But how does that help us open the door?”

“Wait,” I questioned aloud. “Doesn’t each Circle of Hell represent a different theme associated with it? Like the Fourth Circle is greed, the First is Limbo, and all that?”

“That’s right!” Sia gasped.

“Boom,” Tris exclaimed as she dropped an invisible microphone. “That’s our password, guys.”

I turned toward the door and opened my mouth.

“In Latin,” Sia suggested. “Try it in Latin.”

“Alright,” I agreed and returned my attention to the burning door. “Limbum. Libidine. Gula. Cupiditas. Ira. Dicitur haeresis. Violentiam. Fraud. Perfidae.”

Suddenly, the flames of the door turned a bright orange, and then they disappeared with a flicker.

“Fuck yeah!” I said as I pumped my fist into the air. “Way to go, Tris and Sia!”

The large red door opened with a loud creek, and before us now stood an endless set of brimstone stairs.

I looked back at my friends, nodded, and then began to ascend the path.

We traveled up the stairs for nearly ten minutes before we came to the next obstacle. There was another red door, but this one was protected by purple Hellfire. The protective magic was being expelled around the door by a series of large, flamethrower-like spouts.

“How the fuck do we get past this one?” Eligor growled. “Is there a math problem we have to solve again?”

“I doubt it, Goldilocks,” Todd mused. “If I had to take a wild guess, and I’m just spitballing here, bro, I would say it has something to do with those two buttons on the walls over there.”

On each side of the flaming door, built into the black brimstone wall, was a large black button. In front of the one on the left was a massive chasm. Meanwhile, there were a series of light beams that criss-crossed all over in front of the one on the right.

“I’ve seen enough movies to know that those are both traps,” I acknowledged. “I bet there’s Hellfire or spikes that shoot out if you touch one of those beams.”

“Then we need Ira,” Sia suggested. “She can just run right through and then heal herself with her golden Hellfire.”

“I’ll go back,” Tris spoke up. “I must admit, I’m not going to be in a decent state of mind for at least another half-hour or so.”

I nodded at the Sister of Sloth, tapped the joint tattoo, and sent her back. Then I pressed down on the image of the flaming whip, and Ira appeared in the light of the spell.

“Ohhhhh,” she whistled when she saw where we were. “Does this mean you need me to do something painful?”

“That’s exactly what I need you to do,” I admitted and pointed to the two buttons. “These things are both booby-trapped, but we need them pressed if we want to go further.”

“You don’t need to say another word,” Ira nearly moaned. “I rrrreaally hope there’s bone-crushing involved in this one!”

The succubus’ large, bat-like wings sprouted from her back, and she zipped over to the button on the left.

The second she was airborne over the pit, there was a metallic snap followed by a high-pitched whistle. Ira let out a grunt of pain and pleasure as a bunch of pointed metal spears shot through her body and turned her into a human pincushion. Several holes appeared in her wings, and her left leg was pushed up and pinned against her back. One of the long spears had punched all the way through her foot, but she didn’t seem to mind.

Without missing a beat, Ira surrounded herself with golden Hellfire. She let out a few orgasmic moans as the light of her spell pushed the spears out of her body and slowly began to heal her wounds. The second she was back to full strength, the succubus shuddered with glee, reached out, and pushed the button.

There was another mechanical click, but this time there were no spears.

Ira fluttered over toward the spot with the beams and cackled insanely.

“I hope this one is as much fun as the last!” she exclaimed.

“That chick ain’t right, I tell you what,” Todd whispered to me quietly.

As soon as Ira hit the light of the beams, there was a loud explosion, and her body was engulfed with red Hellfire. The attack held for a solid minute before it finally subsided. When it finally did, the Sister of Wrath stood triumphantly, still in one piece and aglow with her healing spell.

She strutted over to the second button, pressed it down, and waggled her hips in victory.

There was a mechanical click, and then … nothing.

“Perhaps they have to be pressed at the same time?” Sia suggested.

“Well shit,” I growled. “Ira’s the only person who can heal herself that quickly. One of us could go in, and then you could heal us after, but it would be super risky. One wrong move, and there might not be anything left to heal.”

“What about Cupi?” Eligor spoke up. “She pretty agile, right? Ira could hold the button over the chasm and heal herself repeatedly while Cupi slides around the beams and presses the other one.”

“I like that idea,” Sia muttered under her breath.

“What was that, Superbia?” Eligor asked smugly.

“You heard what I said,” the redheaded succubus shot back. “Don’t make me say it again. Jacob, I--”

“Yeah, yeah,” I confirmed. “I’ll send you back.”

I quickly returned Superbia to Earth Realm via the tattoo on my bicep, and then I summoned Cupiditas with another motion. The second the succubus appeared, I explained what we needed her to do.

“A challenge that will test my athletic abilities, and means instant death if I fail?” the blonde succubus asked with a grin. “Sign me the fuck up.”

“That’s the spirit!” I joked half-heartedly.

As much as I wanted to pump up the fit succubus, I was still worried. Like she said, one wrong move meant instant death.

Ira rose up into the air and zipped over to the left side of the door. Spears shot up from the chasm below, and the Sister of Wrath groaned happily when they skewered her on their tips. She instantly healed herself, pulled the spears out of her body, and fluttered over in front of the button.

Cupi walked over to the beginning of the beam maze, cracked her back, and then shifted her weight excitedly. She took a few steps back, tilted her body forward, and then ran at the beams at full speed. Seconds before she hit the first deadly ray, the succubus vaulted herself into the air. She passed through the first tangle of beams, used her momentum to slide underneath the next set, and then rolled up, somersaulted into the air, and passed over the last few rays. She landed on her feet, as close to the wall as she possibly could get, and then pressed the button.

Ira pressed hers at the exact same time, and the mechanism releasing the purple Hellfire sputtered to a halt.

Before it could start again, I ran over, whipped open the door, and motioned for the rest of my team to go through. Once we were all safely on the other side, I let out a deep sigh of relief.

“What a fucking ruuuuush!” Ira moaned orgasmically. “I want to do that again as soon as possible.”

“You both did a damn good job,” I noted. “That means there should only be one obstacle left, then.”

Our team turned back to the staircase and then slowly began to climb once more. This time, we ascended for nearly twenty minutes. Then, we came to the top.

“I-I really need to lay off the donuts,” Todd wheezed as we hit the plateau. “I think I can feel my blood trying to get past all the fatty blockages in my body.”

I paused a moment to look around and take it all in. We’d done it. We were at the top of the tower. It was just as bleak and dull as the rest of the castle, with slimy black brimstone walls and a carpet on the floor that looked like it had been there for thousands of years. At the very far end of the room sat a glowing silver cage, surrounded by a protective spell of purple. Inside the prison sat a very beautiful woman with a leather corset and small, black butterfly wings.

Invidia.

“Sister!” Cupi exclaimed and ran toward the cage.

We followed the succubus over to Invidia, and I got a good look at her for the very first time.

The Sister of Envy was just as beautiful as the rest of the Circle of Sin. She had a deep black eyeliner on that perfectly complemented her violet eyes, and she let her jet-black hair fall down to her shoulders messily. The succubus wore a sultry pout on her face as she saw us approach.

“You finally found me,” she sighed. “For awhile there, I thought you were all dead. Not that it matters, anyway, since we all end up as worm food in the end.”

Yep, she was definitely a “goth girlfriend” type.

“How do we get you out of here, Invidia?” Cupi pleaded.

The gothic succubus just shook her head and let out a sigh.

“There is no escape,” she said somberly. “I appreciate you coming all this way for me, but unless you have the Unhallowed Sword … ”

“You mean this sword?” I asked as I drew the dark blade from its sheath.

Invidia’s head tilted curiously, but her expression remained emotionless. Then, a half-smile slid up her purple-colored lips.

“Is this him?” she asked as she eyed me up and down. “He’s even hotter in person.”

“Focus, Sister,” Ira stepped in. “How do we get you out of here?”

“That sword will break this cage,” Invidia explained, “but there’s a second enchantment that needs to be broken first. Something about a spell that symbolizes his relationship with Jacob and can only be unlocked with that power. Or some shit like that. I usually just roll my eyes and ignore the fucker when he’s talking.”

“I like her already,” I admitted with a chuckle.

“The relationship between Jacob and Azazel,” Cupi pondered aloud.

“Hold up,” the still baked-out Todd spoke up. “Is Azazel gay for Jakey? That would explain so, soooo much.”

“I don’t think there’s any love between us,” I explained. “It’s the exact opposite, actually. We both fucking hate each others’ guts.”

“Hatred!” Eligor exclaimed. “The key to unlocking the final spell is hatred.”

“That’s got to be it, Jacob,” Cupi reiterated. “Try to use your yellow Hellfire on the barrier.”

It wasn’t hard to conjure up feelings of hatred. All I had to do was picture Azazel’s ugly mug in my mind, and the yellow Hellfire sprang to life instantly. I reached out with both of my hands and blasted the purple wall with everything I had. The flames danced together as they fought against each other, but my spell appeared to do nothing.

“We need more power!” Ira suggested.

“No, it’s fine,” Invidia sighed. “I guess I’m just doomed to be in here forever. I’ve totally accepted my fate.”

“Who the fuck could hate Azazel more than I do?” I demanded and held my spell.

“Libidine,” Cupi finally spoke up. “Libidine’s hatred for our former master runs bone-deep. I’d know, I’m the one she’s confided in all these years.”

“Then let’s get her down here,” I agreed as I lowered my spell. “Sorry Ira, but you’re gonna have to take a breather.”

I touched the flaming whip on my bicep, and the Sister of Wrath disappeared. Without wasting another moment, I tapped the glowing purple eye that sat on my shoulder, and Libidine sprang forth in a white shimmer.

“Sister!” Liby exclaimed happily when she saw Invidia. “I’m so happy to see you again!”

Cupi stepped forward and placed her hand tenderly on the dark-haired succubus’ shoulder.

“Liby, I need you to do something,” she sighed. “Something we swore you’d never do.”

Libidine’s face grew cold. “You want me to unleash the full power of my hatred spell,” she guessed.

“That’s exactly what we need to do,” Cupi confirmed.

“But last time, I nearly destroyed an entire city,” Liby protested somberly. “I-I don’t want to hurt anybody like that ever again.”

“You won’t,” the blonde succubus promised. “The only people here are us, and I know you’d never hurt us. But we need you to unleash your full power on this shield. It’s the only way we can free Invidia.”

“I-I--” Liby stammered and then hung her head. “I don’t know if I can.”

“You have to,” Cupi argued. “We have no other choice. It’s all or nothing, Sister.”

Libidine nodded somberly and then stepped forward, closer to the roaring violet flames.

Meanwhile, Cupi returned to the rest of the group.

“What the hell was that about?” I asked cautiously.

“Libidine is much, much stronger than she lets on,” Cupiditas explained. “The last time she conjured up her hatred for Azazel, she leveled five city blocks on Earth. After that, I was instructed to keep her contained.”

“By Azazel?” I growled.

“No,” Cupi continued. “By Sia. She feared Liby’s raw energy would make her unstable, and a danger to herself and others. But now, she’s going to unleash it. I’d suggest a purple shield, by the way.”

“Noted,” I agreed and cast a barrier of violet Hellfire around the four of us.

Liby took in a deep breath, looked down for a moment, and then snapped her head back up violently. Suddenly, her whole body was engulfed with a bright yellow glow, and she began to float into the air. The succubus let out a primal scream as she thrust her hands forward and blasted the protective spell with a massive beam of hatred magic.

The next thing I knew, the whole world went yellow. I heard the walls of the tower shatter around us, and it took everything I had to keep my own barrier up against the succubus’ attack.

Finally, the world returned to normal, and Libidine floated back down onto the ground.

More importantly, the barrier between Invidia and ourselves was gone.

Without another moment’s hesitation, I ran over to the cage, held the Unhallowed Sword in front of me, and enchanted it with my own red Hellfire.

“Stand back,” I commanded the succubus in the cage, and she obliged.

I lifted the sword above my head, took another deep breath, and then slammed it down onto the lock of the prison.

Sparks of silver Hellfire shot off in all directions when the metal struck metal, but it worked. The lock snapped in half and fell at my feet.

Then I slowly opened the door of the cage, and the Sister of Envy stepped out.

The succubus stretched her arms and legs for a moment as she took in the fresh air that now whistled past. Then she held out her hand and turned it around in the breeze as if she was feeling it for the first time.

It’d been god knows how long since Azazel had locked her in this cage, and this was probably the first taste of freedom she’d had in months.

“Holy shit, bro,” Todd gasped. “That was the coolest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Liby just made Goku look like a little bitch.”

“I wouldn’t go quite that far,” Libidine giggled. “But thank you. Anything to free my Sister.”

“How. Fucking. Sweet.” A deep, bellowing voice roared in the distance.

My heart dropped into my stomach.

I’d know that voice anywhere.

I whipped around with my sword at the ready and scanned the landscape from our insanely-high vantage point.

There, down on the ground just beyond the castle gate, stood a large red demon. Behind him gathered an army of hundreds, if not thousands, of demon grunts. They were spread out in factions, with a more distinguished demon at the front of each cluster.

“I knew you’d come for her,” Azazel cackled. “I knew you’d be foolish enough to think you could come into my home and defeat me. But you can’t. I’m the Father of Warfare, mortal, and you’re about to face my full wrath.”

Chapter 17

“Azazel,” I growled and tightened my grip on the Unhallowed Sword.

“Quick, Liby!” Todd exclaimed. “Now would be a good time to use your big yellow fireworks show again.”

“I don’t think I can,” the dark-haired succubus admitted. “I’m not even sure I have enough energy left to fire off a handful of spears.”

“Take a breather, Libidine,” I said sympathetically. “But I can’t promise I won’t need you again soon.”

The Sister of Lust nodded, and then I sent her back to Earth Realm with a flick of my index finger.

“Do you see, Invidia?” Azazel’s voice boomed from below. “The mortal treats his succubi like they are simple play things, nothing more than a tool to get himself ahead in life. I was just trying to protect you from him, my dark butterfly.”

“Eat a dick, Azazel!” I hissed back, loud enough that he could hear me.

“A big, veiny, dick!” Todd added.

“We’re surrounded,” Cupi observed. “Azazel’s got his grunts and generals all around the perimeter of the castle.”

“So, this whole thing was a trap?” I growled.

“Maybe,” Eligor explained. “He must have known we were coming, but I don’t think he counted on us getting inside. Most likely, his plan was to intercept us before we reached the gates.”

“Eligor, you traitorous cunt!” Azazel sneered. “After I rip your spine from your body and hang it on my mantle, I’m going to tell Lucifer all about Lilith’s treachery. Then, while she’s writhing at the end of our master’s spear for all eternity, I will take my rightful place as his right-hand demon.”

“He’s getting really fucking annoying,” the blonde knight said as she tried to ignore Azazel’s taunts.

“Yeah, he does that,” Cupi sighed. “He’s so far up his own ass, I don’t know how he breathes.”

“Or how he fits those horns up there,” Todd interjected. “Prolapse for days, bro.”

That really wasn’t a mental image I wanted in my head right now, so I shook my noggin back and forth to clear it, and then I tried to think up a plan.

“If he didn’t expect us to get this far, then we have the advantage,” I explained. “This is a fucking medieval castle. It’s like, the best defensive position we could ask for. Plus, we’re up one team member. If Invidia is willing to fight, that is.”

I looked over at the gothic succubus, and she gave me a sultry shrug.

“Why not?” she sighed. “Life is pointless, anyways, but I suppose I owe you for trying to save me. Worse thing that happens is we lose, and I just get thrown back in the cage again.”

“That’s the spirit,” I joked weakly. “What are your powers, anyway? All your Sisters have told me you have silver Hellfire, and that you’re the strongest of all of them.”

“That’s sweet of them,” Invidia muttered with no emotion in her voice. “My powers come directly from my cold, dark soul. Whenever I hit people with it, their body and soul are separated and sad. So, so sad.”

“It leaves them completely defenseless,” Cupi added. “It’s the reason she was always on the frontlines of our battles. Vidi would pull our enemies' souls out of their body, and then we would destroy the empty shell.”

“What happened to the souls?” I asked curiously.

“Where do you think ghosts came from?” the blonde succubus sighed. “She might not look like it, but Sister Invidia is also a master combatant with knives.”

“Oh, she looks like she’s a master of knives, alright,” Todd joked darkly.

I pulled my goat-headed dagger from its holster and handed it to the gothic succubus. The blade might be broken, but it was plenty sharp still, and it could also be enchanted with Hellfire to double as a sword.

“You think you can make this work?” I asked.

Without changing the expression on her face, Invidia flipped the dagger around in her hand, tossed it over her shoulder, caught it behind her back, and then held it out in front.

“You tell me,” she said somewhat snarkily.

From below, a series of mocking slow claps rang out from Azazel’s army.

“Bravo, Invidia,” the King of the Fourth Circle mused. “Now why don’t you put that dagger to good use and kill the mortal? Then, you and your Sisters can return to me, and things can go back to the way they used to be. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

Invidia’s emotionless face turned into an angry snarl as she turned around, looked down onto Azazel, and gave him the finger.

“Fuck you, asshole,” she hissed.

“I’m hurt, Invidia,” Azazel laughed. “I wanted to take it easy on you. I really did. But now that you’ve proven to be just as traitorous as the rest of your filthy succubi bitch sisters, I have no choice but to punish you. But first, I have a mortal to kill.”

The Father of Warfare raised his hand into the air and balled it into a fist. The second he did so, his army of demons started to hoot and cheer. From our vantage point, I could see red Hellfire sprout up from each of the grunts’ hands. Azazel threw his fist forward, and the demons in his army followed suit. Suddenly, the air around us sprang to life with the hiss of incoming projectiles.

Without thinking, I threw up both of my hands and created a barrier of purple Hellfire all around our position. The balls of flame cracked and sizzled as they struck my shield, and the sheer number of spells forced me to my knees. I let out a grunt of frustration as I held on with everything I had. Even though my protective magic was holding up for the moment, I knew we would soon be overwhelmed.

“Get to the main level!” I ordered.

My friends shot me a look of concern, but then they dashed down the staircase and out of sight.

I took a step toward the stairs, but then I was instantly knocked to the ground once more by a second wave of attacks. I could feel my power starting to wane, and I realized I needed to move now if I wanted to make it out of here alive. The demon fuckers had me pinned down, so there was only one thing I could do.

I had to release my barrier and make a break for it. I took in a deep breath.

One … two… now.

My hands lowered to my sides, and my heart pounded in my chest as I ran forward as fast as I humanly could. Just as I was about to reach the staircase, one of the blasts of red Hellfire smashed into the ground behind me, and I was thrown forward. I smashed into the brimstone floor violently and heard a pop somewhere in my shoulder. However, I didn’t have time to feel pain right now. I rolled to my right seconds before another blast hit the spot where my face had just been. I pulled myself up onto my knees, pressed the tips of my feet down into the ground, and propelled myself toward the opening in the floor.

I landed on the stairs with a crash, and a wave of pain shot up my shoulder. My body tumbled down the staircase for a few seconds, but then I was finally able to catch myself. I pulled myself to my feet and began to head down the tower.

The sky above me may have been aglow with cascading balls of fire, but I was safe for the moment.

The demon grunts continued their assault on the tower as I descended, but their attacks must not have been strong enough to penetrate the brimstone walls. Every now and again, the impact of a fireball would shake the tower and cause me to stumble, but they weren’t getting through.

Azazel had built this thing like a fortress, and now it was backfiring on him spectacularly.

When I finally reached the bottom of the tower, Cupi ran over and wrapped her arms around me tightly. I winced in pain, and then she released her grip and let out an embarrassed chuckle.

“It looks like we need Sia,” the blonde succubus observed.

“We really do,” I agreed. “She’s our healer, and I have a bad feeling we’re gonna need an awful lot of that once all is said and done here. Azazel’s not pulling any punches this time.”

I grimaced in pain as I lifted up my injured arm and pressed the tattoo of the glowing gold hand on my bicep.

A brilliant white light shot out of my arm, and Sia’s petite figure formed in front of us.

“Invidia!” she gasped when she finally could see what was going on. “You’re free!”

“Jacob saved me from Azazel’s cage,” the gothic succubus retorted, “but I’ll never be free of the prison that is my soul.”

Sia’s eyes blinked rapidly.

“Good to see you, too,” she muttered in disbelief.

Just then, the castle walls shook from the impact of another wave of attacks.

“Did you forget we were in the middle of a battle?” Eligor said jokingly.

“For a minute there, I did,” I shot back and then nodded to my injured shoulder. “Can you fix this for me, Sia?”

“I take it Azazel found us,” Superbia asked as she summoned gold Hellfire into her hand.

The petite succubus touched my wounded arm lovingly, and a warm sensation took over as it began to heal. Within seconds, it was as good as new.

“He knew we were coming,” I confirmed. “But we have a leg up on him right now.”

“How so?” the redhead questioned with a raised eyebrow. “From the sound of it, he has us surrounded.”

“We have a castle, and he doesn’t,” I explained. “We can use that to our advantage. Cupi, you know this place inside and out. Are there any weak spots he might try to exploit?”

The blonde succubus rubbed her chin as she pondered my question.

“The only vulnerable spot I can think of is the area near the west tower,” she responded. “There is a bunch of scaffolding out there from the last time Azazel had it remodeled. They might be able to climb up and get in that way.”

“Maybe I’m missing something here,” Todd interjected. “Why can’t they just, like, summon wings and fly over the walls?”

“Todd,” Eligor sighed and rolled her eyes. “Do you really think Azazel, the Father of Warfare, would be so stupid? He’s got every hex known to man surrounding this place. There’s spells that prevent people from teleporting, flying, or using magic to break down the walls. The only way you can get in here is on foot.”

“Then we need to make sure they don’t get up here,” I growled. “Let’s get over to the west tower.”

Even though there were no enemies in the immediate vicinity, I gripped the Unhallowed Sword like my life depended on it.

At the same time, I noticed my friends getting ready for battle.

Sia and Todd both called Hellfire into their hands, while Cupi expanded her collapsible polearm and Eligor drew her dual swords.

Invidia still had the goat-headed dagger in her hands, and she looked like she was ready to skewer every motherfucker she possibly could.

We ran up the nearest flight of stairs so we were atop the outer walls of the castle, and then we continued on until we reached the west tower. Projectiles crashed into the walls as we moved, but they did little more than act as a distraction and an inconvenience.

“There!” Cupi called out as we approached the west tower. “Our two and our ten!”

Several of Azazel’s grunts were climbing up the wooden scaffolding, and they moved across the dark beams like scuttling cockroaches.

Sia blasted the first one off the scaffold with a shot of red Hellfire, but then three more instantly took its place. She hit another one as it leapt into the air, but the remaining two grunts were able to land safely on the ground.

That safety didn’t last long.

The second their disgusting demon feet touched the dark brimstone, I lopped off their heads with a single swing of the Unhallowed Sword. Their craniums hit the ground with a plop and rolled away as the stumps of their necks spurted blood into the air.

Another wave of grunts came into view, and they jumped off the scaffolding before any of us had a chance to take them out.

Oh well. It was more fun this way, anyways.

Invidia jabbed the goat-headed dagger through the temple of a nearby grunt, and then she spun around, touched another one, and separated his soul from his body with a flash of silver Hellfire.

Cupi was working on crowd control with her polearm. The fit succubus had the weapon stabbed into the ground as she spun around it like a stripper pole and kicked away the grunts.

Meanwhile, Sia was catching the little fuckers in her black Hellfire of fear and holding them in place while Todd incinerated them with baseball-sized fireballs.

“Ultra combooooo!” the imp cackled as he reduced the grunts’ heads to nothing more than melted flesh and charred bone.

A small group of grunts moved on Eligor and I, but we were more than ready.

I skewered the closest demon through the gut with the Unhallowed Sword, lifted his flailing body into the air, and used it as a makeshift battering ram to knock down his comrades.

Even though I was focused on the fuckers in front of me, I could occasionally see the glint of Eligor’s swords as they stabbed and slashed at the grunts.

The first wave of demons had been defeated, but another quickly took their place.

“We need to destroy the scaffold!” I ordered as I threw a handful of yellow shuriken into a nearby grunt’s face.

“On it!” Cupi exclaimed before she smashed a grunt’s face with the blunt end of her polearm.

Then the Sister of Greed dashed toward the wall of the west tower, and she froze a few grunts with her blue Hellfire as she ran.

While the fuckers were frozen, Todd zipped between them and sliced their throats with his claws. Geysers of blood sprayed from their necks, and the grunts made a sick gurgling noise as they choked on their own viscera.

“Jacob!” Cupi called out as she drew close to the tower. “I need an assist!”

I stabbed my sword through a nearby demon’s head, whipped around, and threw out a flaming purple hand.

Cupi leapt up into the air, and a platform of violet Hellfire appeared underneath her feet. She landed on the makeshift pedestal, looked down at the approaching grunts, and summoned red Hellfire into her hands. The fit succubus clapped her hands together angrily, and a literal tidal wave of incendiary flames blasted downward.

The demon grunts screamed in pain as their flesh was melted off their bones, and they released their grips on the scaffold.

More importantly, the wooden beams of the scaffold went up in flames. The fire danced on the poles for a second, and then the entire thing groaned as it collapsed. There were still a few grunts left on the wall, but they all looked around in a panic as they realized it was now open season.

I quickly used my telekinetic magic to pick up a nearby barrel and slam it into a nearby group of demons.

They let out a grunt of surprise as their small bodies were flung over the edge of the wall, and they plummeted to their doom.

“Jakey!” Todd called out from behind. “Power slide!”

I turned around to see the imp running toward the last few grunts, and I knew exactly what he was thinking. I raised my hand, called forth my emerald flames, and opened a portal underneath the demons’ feet.

Todd fell to his knees and used his momentum to slide like a rockstar toward the grunts. His slide was timed just right so his claws sliced open the throats of the fuckers as he passed by their falling bodies.

I opened a second portal over the edge of the wall, and the grunts’ corpses fell through.

“Holy fuck,” Todd gasped. “I’ve always wanted to David Lee Roth a bunch of demons to death!”

“Is that all of them?” Eligor panted.

“I think so,” Cupi confirmed as she leapt down off the flaming purple platform. “At least, for now.”

“Are there any other weak points?” I asked. “Places where the grunts could get in?”

“I don’t think so,” the fit succubus admitted. “We may have won this round.”

I walked over to the wall, looked out over the army, and locked eyes with Azazel.

The cocky demon looked exactly the same as the first time I’d met him. He was nearly three times my size, with bright red skin and muscles nearly as big as my head. His feet were hooved, and his entire lower half was covered with a silver armor with a pattern similar to dragon scales. His horns, of course, were his most defining feature. The pitch-black appendages grew out of his temples and curved up over his head to form a sideways “C.”

Nothing had changed. He was still an ugly motherfucker.

“Celebrate your victory, mortal,” Azazel mocked. “For I, the King of the Fourth Circle, will win the war. I will bathe in your blood as you bleed out at my feet and watch your imp beg for death. I will reclaim my whores, and they will forget all about you once I take them to my bedchambers and remind them why I am the king around here.”

My hand tightened into a fist, and I took an angry step forward before Eligor’s hand stopped me.

“He’s trying to goad you into exposing yourself,” the knight explained. “Don’t fall for his trickery.”

“You’re not gonna do jack shit, cock-for-brains,” Todd mocked. “This fortress is more impenetrable than my ex-girlfriend.”

“Wasn’t she banging a bunch of other guys?” Cupi whispered. “That’s pretty penetrable, if you ask me.”

“Correction,” Todd called out. “More impenetrable than my ex-girlfriend was for moi.”

Azazel crossed his arms, threw back his head, and cackled maniacally.

“Foolish imp,” he mused. “I almost wish I could keep you around as my new fool. But then I remember all of the times you’ve been a thorn in my side, and my desire to crush your skull beneath my hooves boils to the surface.”

“You heard the imp,” Invidia spoke up. “You’re not getting into the castle. You told me yourself it was impossible to breach its defenses and stuff.”

“I don’t have to get inside,” the King of the Fourth Circle snarled. “I’m the Father of Warfare. I am the one who quite literally invented the siege. You will come out of there sooner or later, and then I will make your skulls into drinking cups.”

“Siege warfare?” Todd scoffed. “Borrrring.”

“Boring is right,” I sighed. “But there’s a reason it works. He’s right. We can’t stay in here forever.”

“Jacob,” Sia argued. “This is a fortress. We can hold out here until--”

“Until what?” I snapped. “Azazel’s not going to go away. This place might be impossible to breach, but he's immortal. Sure, we can keep switching out succubi to get food so we don't starve, but that can’t last forever. Even with all our riches on Earth Realm, the money’s going to run out eventually. He’s going to sit out there with his army until we get sloppy and make a mistake. Or until we run out of funds for food runs. And I don’t intend to let either of those happen. We’re gonna have to face this asshole now.”

“Jacob … ” Cupi said with worry in her voice. “What are you planning?”

I refused to answer the succubus, mainly because I knew exactly how she was going to react. This was a fucking crazy idea, but I had to do it.

It was the only way.

I stepped forward, all the way to the edge of the wall, and pointed at Azazel with the Unhallowed Sword.

“Azazel, King of the Fourth Circle and Father of Warfare!” I bellowed.

“Jacob, don’t!” Cupi gasped.

“I, Jacob Ralston, the Champion of Thea and Leader of the Cult of Ralston,” I continued, “challenge you to a duel. Winner takes the Fourth Circle and the succubi. The loser dies.”

Azazel crossed his arms and tilted his head in amusement.

“Your titles are phony,” he growled. “You have cheated, lied, and deceived your way up the ladder, and now you find yourself at a place no mortal deserves to be. Why should I trust you?”

“Trust me?” I scoffed. “If I lose, I’ll be dead. If anything, I should be wary of trusting you.”

“I am many things, mortal,” Azazel sneered, “but the Father of Warfare will always honor the terms of a joust.”

“So?” I asked once more. “Do we have a deal?”

“Please, Jacob,” Sia begged behind me. “Don’t do this.”

“I’m with Strawberry Shortcake on this one, bro,” Todd added. “I’m all for being reckless, but this is suicide.”

“Fine.” Azazel nodded. “I agree to your terms. Winner takes all, and the loser perishes.”

Even though I’d already defeated this asshole once before, my entire body was shaking with anxiousness. I nodded my head, summoned a handful of descending purple platforms in front of me, and followed them down to the ground.

Now, I stood directly in front of the towering monster of a demon.

My heart pounded in my chest. This was it.

One of us wasn’t walking away from this alive.

Chapter 18

“You probably think you are brave for challenging me one-on-one, mortal,” Azazel taunted as he cracked his knuckles with anticipation. “You probably think you’re going to kill me, or that by sacrificing yourself you’ll be giving your friends enough time to flee. But you’re not. Had you stayed in the castle, you and your friends would have died a merciful death from starvation. Now, thanks to your foolish choice, you will all die a slow, painful death.”

“You know,” I growled and readied the Unhallowed Sword, “for someone calling themselves the ‘Father of Warfare,’ you do a lot more whining than you do fighting.”

The demon raised his eyebrow at me as his mouth twisted into an evil grin.

“I’ve never seen somebody so eager to die,” he mused. “And with what? The Unhallowed Sword? It’s only purpose is to cut through enchanted steel, mortal. Other than that, it’s a fucking letter opener.”

I was done talking. I quickly dashed at the demon and took a swing at his arm.

Azazel stepped out of the way, reared back his muscular arm, and swung his oversized fist at my face. I dispelled it with a shield of purple fire, and the Father of Warfare grunted angrily as his hand smashed into the barrier at full speed.

Before he could recover, I took a jab at Azazel’s leg. The bastard moved his leg up at the last second, and the Unhallowed Sword stabbed harmlessly into the ground.

The next thing I knew, Azazel’s massive hoof slammed down on the sword and pinned it to the ground.

I just barely ducked out of the way of his incoming fist and tried to yank the sword free, but he had me trapped.

It was either abandon my weapon or risk getting pummeled by the demon’s boulder-sized fists.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have much say in the matter. Azazel clapped his fists together above his head into one large, deadly club. Then he released a guttural howl of glee as he brought it down directly at my head.

I was forced to release my grip on the Unhallowed Sword and throw my glowing purple fists up into the air. I was able to create a giant wall of protective Hellfire just before the deadly blow hit its mark, and the impact brought me to my knees.

Azazel brought up his fists again and then began to repeatedly slam them into the barrier as he cackled with glee.

I felt the brimstone beneath me crack as I was driven down into the Earth, and a wave of hot pain erupted from my shins. The jagged landscape cut into the flesh of my legs, and my appendages began to go numb.

If I didn’t do something fast, this fucker was going to snap my spine like a twig.

The next time the demon brought his fists above his head, I tossed down a portal of green Hellfire directly beneath my body. His makeshift battering ram smashed into my shield once more, but this time it pushed me through the portal like a pinball plunger.

I reappeared in the air, directly behind Azazel, and I summoned red Hellfire into my hands. Just as he began to turn around, I let out a scream of frustration and blasted the back of his head at point-blank range.

The Father of Warfare let out a gasp of surprise as my attack collided with his skull, and the impact threw him forward so his ugly mug violently slammed into the ground. Azazel pulled himself to his knees and shook his head frustratedly as I picked my weapon up off the ground. Then he spun around and took another swing at my torso, but I was more than ready.

I cast a spell of green Hellfire in front of the fist’s trajectory, and it passed through with deadly intent. The second portal opened to the left of Azazel’s head, and his head snapped to the side as he struck himself with his own fist.

“That ‘ol trick still works on you?” I mocked. “Some things never change.”

“No, they don’t,” Azazel growled as he wiped blood from the corner of his mouth. “But you mortals consider that a good thing, no?”

The King of the Fourth Circle stood up on his knees, summoned silver Hellfire into his hands, and then slammed them into the ground. Instantly, the brimstone between us began to shake violently.

Then two giant, stony tendrils rose out of the ground and danced in the air gracefully before they slammed down on my position.

I rolled out of the way of the first attack, but the tendrils were relentless. Before I could reorient myself, I felt one of the rocky tentacles strike me in the back, and my body skidded across the brimstone like it had been shot out of a cannon. As I tumbled, my armor scraped across the jagged rocks and filled the air with a sound ten times worse than nails on a chalkboard. I was finally able to use my momentum to get myself into an upright position, and then I threw up a large wall of purple flames in front of me.

A massive shockwave blasted across the ground as the tendrils crashed into the flickering violet flames and shattered into a million tiny pebbles.

Azazel was back on his feet, and his hands were aglow with red Hellfire. He clapped his hands together in front of his chest and slowly pulled them apart. As he did so, the fucker’s giant broadsword appeared out of thin air. The thing was nearly as large as my entire body, but it looked tiny in the possession of Azazel’s massive frame.

The King of the Fourth Circle gripped the broadsword tightly, slammed its point down into the ground, and began to thunder forward.

I summoned red Hellfire into my hands, ran it across the Unhallowed Sword to enchant the blade, and then charged.

The two of us ran for about fifty feet before our swords met. Azazel tried to strike me with a rapid upwards strike, but I was able to block the blow with my own weapon. The force of the attack caused me to stumble to the side, but I cleverly used that to my advantage.

Without slowing my momentum, I spun around and lashed out at Azazel’s leg. The demon asshole jumped back in time to dodge the attack, and then he came at me with his free hand.

I ducked down as the blow passed over my head with a gust of wind, and I quickly summoned yellow Hellfire. I unleashed a handful of glowing shuriken into Azazel’s chest, and he let out a yowl of pain as they stabbed into his torso like tacks in a bulletin board. I went in for the killing blow, but the demon was able to parry my attack with his broadsword.

Azazel held his sword up horizontally, grabbed the tip with his free hand, and then drove it at my neck.

I quickly threw up my sword to block, but the strength of the demon was too much. The next thing I knew I was on the ground, using every inch of my strength to keep the blade at bay with my own weapon.

The demon army around us cheered excitedly as Azazel’s blade creeped closer and closer to my neck. Azazel’s face was now directly over mine, and I could see every disgusting detail. His eyes were pitch black, with no irises whatsoever. His breath reeked of whatever foul, raw meat he had eaten for his last meal, and pieces of it were still stuck in his teeth. Azazel was wearing a shit-eating grin as he realized his final victory was near.

Not on my watch, asshole.

I swung my right knee up into the demon’s torso and drove the shuriken deeper into his flesh.

Azazel winced in pain, but he didn’t release his attack. Instead, his face contorted into a look of pure rage, and he started to push even harder against my weapon.

If I didn’t do something now, my head was about to be separated from my shoulders.

I could have tried to use my bronze Hellfire on his blade, but I wasn’t sure if it would work on an item as enchanted as his sword. However, I did know something my Hellfire of judgement would work on.

Myself.

I took a deep breath and halted my defense. As the Father of Warfare’s sword plummeted toward the flesh of my neck, I summoned up the bronze flames into my right hand. Then I slammed the glowing palm against my neck just as the sword connected, and Azazel’s blade passed right through.

The demon’s eyes grew wide with surprise, and I used the opportunity to try and gain the upper hand. I rolled out from underneath Azazel, brought up my sword, and stabbed the fucker right in the shoulder.

Azazel bellowed in pain as a collective gasp spread over his minions.

I pulled the weapon from his flesh, aimed at his thick neck, and swung as hard as I could.

There was the sound of metal-on-metal as his blade rose to meet my own, and the two of us stood there, facing each other down as we each tried to overtake the other one.

I reached out with my free hand still aglow with bronze Hellfire and grabbed the hilt of Azazel’s sword. The flickering fire danced up the weapon, caused it to vibrate at a subatomic level, and the Unhallowed Sword passed right through.

Unfortunately, the sudden forward movement meant that my fatal blow didn’t land. However, the point of the shimmering black metal struck the demon in the chest and left a nasty gash.

Azazel cried out in pain as he lashed out with his bulky fist. The sudden swing caught me square in the chest, and I heard the metal of my armor being crushed as I flew back in the air.

I halted my trajectory with a cast of purple Hellfire, and then I hopped to my feet to access the damage.

The entire front of my breastplate now had an inward dent the size of a small boulder. Thank fuck I was wearing this thing, or that asshole’s fist would have gone straight through me.

Across the way, Azazel was grumbling furiously as he stood to his feet. It’d been a pretty evenly-matched battle so far, but the Father of Warfare looked beat up. His chest was still full of yellow shuriken, and he took heavy, labored breaths as blackish-red blood oozed out of the gash in his torso. There was a gaping hole in his shoulder where I had stabbed him, and a trail of gore ran down his log-like arm.

“I’ll admit,” Azazel’s deep voice bellowed, “you are much stronger than the last time we met, mortal. But you’re still nothing compared to the Father of Warfare!”

The demon called forth his elemental magic, and the ground began to shake. Five large chunks of brimstone were lifted up into the sky, and he began to hurl them at me one-by-one.

I dashed directly at the incoming projectiles and called forth my bronze Hellfire. I hit the first boulder with a blast of the judgement spell, and its massive form passed over me without incident. Then, I leapt up into the air, used the second boulder as a makeshift vault, and propelled myself closer to the demon. I brought down the Unhallowed Sword on the next bogey, sliced it in half vertically, and watched its two halves pass by me harmlessly. The last two projectiles were far enough above the ground that I was able to slide underneath without losing my momentum. Then I rolled upright and closed the gap on Azazel in seconds.

I let out a scream of anger as I swung the Unhallowed Sword as hard as I could, determined to sever his head from his spine.

The Father of Warfare was able to weakly get his blade in front of mine, but my attack was so powerful it disarmed the fucker.

Now, he was completely exposed.

I lashed out at Azazel with my sword, but he was quick to dodge. He countered with a knee, and I jumped out of the way before it could connect. I swung the Unhallowed Sword at the fucker’s injured arm, but he was one step ahead of me.

Azazel’s hand shot up and grabbed the very blade of the Unhallowed Sword. He grimaced as blood dripped from his wounded palm, and the blade made a sizzling sound as it burned his flesh. However, he had stopped the attack successfully.

At least, that’s what I wanted him to think.

I reached down with my free hand, unhooked the curved khopesh sword I’d gotten from Black Bart, and twirled it upward. The heavy blade of the weapon hit Azazel in the wrist and lopped his hand clean off his arm.

The demon roared with pain as he stumbled back and desperately grasped at the stump where his left hand had been. Blood spurted out of the wound like a geyser as his minions hissed with rage. Finally, the Father of Warfare summoned red Hellfire into his remaining hand, clasped it over the wound, and seared it shut.

“You son of a demon fucker!” Azazel growled. “Mortal filth! You think you can defeat the Father of Warfare?”

“Yeah,” I shot back. “I kinda do.”

I lunged at the one-handed demon and swung both swords simultaneously.

Azazel was able to dodge both blows, but then he came at me furiously. His right hand grabbed me by one of my blue horns and lifted me up into the sky. Before I could react, the King of the Fourth Circle began to repeatedly punch me in the stomach with his stump of an arm.

My entire body shook as each blow struck at my armor, and white-hot pain reverberated through my very core. The armor made a sickly crunching sound, and then I felt a sharp crack as one of my ribs was shattered.

“You. Will. Never. Be. A. Demon Lord!” Azazel’s normally confident voice was filled with unhinged rage.

I thrust the Unhallowed Sword upward, and its shiny, enchanted metal stabbed through the meat of the demon’s bicep.

However, he acted like it was nothing and kept going.

A wet pop in my torso. Another rib broken.

Finally, I summoned a portal of green Hellfire in front of my body. Azazel’s stump passed through and reappeared next to his head, but he was smart enough to lean out of the way this time.

Azazel growled as he closed his hand around my horn and crushed it under his might.

The world went white for a second as a sharp pain blasted through my skull, and I fell to the ground. I couldn’t afford to give Azazel a chance to gain the upper hand, so I blindly blasted red Hellfire where the demon had been standing. I heard him let out a grunt of pain, and I knew my attack must have hit its mark. As I stood back to my feet, my vision began to return.

Azazel was patting out the flames on his chest, and the Unhallowed Sword was still lodged in his arm.

Meanwhile, my armor was totally trashed. The breastplate was completely torn open, and I could feel the sharp edges of the metal pressing against my flesh. It was honestly a liability at this point, and I needed to get it off. I quickly unsnapped the breastplate, and it clanged to the ground.

Now, my weakest areas were unprotected. If Azazel got his hands on me again, it was lights out for Jacob Ralston.

I extended my glowing green hand, engulfed the Unhallowed Sword with the spell, and called it back to my hand.

“You know what, mortal?” Azazel grumbled as he nursed his new wound. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe you can beat me in one-on-one combat, and deserve to rule over my domain. But it’ll never happen. Do you know why?”

“Because you’re a coward?” I growled.

“I like to think of it more as ‘self-serving,’” the Father of Warfare said with a grin.

Azazel began to laugh as he summoned orange Hellfire to his hand and stump and then slowly raised his arms.

I heard a commotion up on the castle wall behind me, and then I heard Cupi scream.

This fucker resurrected all the demons we’d just killed.

“Army of the Damned,” Azazel hissed. “Rip them to pieces.”

“No!” I screamed as I turned around and began to limp toward the castle wall.

However, my progress was quickly halted when dozens of Azazel’s minions stepped between me and my friends. They all had red Hellfire in their hands, and I knew what was coming next.

I threw up a dome of purple Hellfire around myself just as the fiery attacks reached my position. There were so many fireballs I couldn’t even see two feet in front of my own face, all I could see was a blinding red light and hear Azazel’s laugh booming through the air.

I should have fucking known he was going to pull a fast one on me. But what other choice did I have? He would win a war of attrition. The worst part was, I had actually been winning. If he hadn’t decided to cheat, I would be savoring my victory right now.

Oh well. Now was not the time to dwell on “what ifs.” I could feel the heat of the white-hot fireballs, and I began to worry my shield wasn’t going to hold for much longer. I was fucking tired, and it was all I could take to keep from falling over and giving up right then and there.

But then I remembered what would happen if I did. If I fell on the battlefield today, Azazel would kill Todd and Eligor and return my succubi into his service. He would cement himself as the greatest Demon King to ever live and become second in Hell’s pecking order.

I couldn’t let that happen, but I wasn’t much use if I had to keep actively focusing on my protective magic. Unless … Todd’s suggestion from earlier. Was it possible to cast a protective spell passively?

I didn’t know if it would work, but I was about to fucking try. I closed my eyes and focused in on everything that was at stake in this battle. I felt the heat of the attacks grow stronger and draw closer to my body, and I almost blacked out.

Then it happened.

It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I opened my eyes and saw they were covered by a bright layer of purple. I looked down and recognized my entire body was aglow with a violet shimmer that resembled the armor I had been wearing earlier.

It was a suit of flaming Hellfire armor.

The fireballs bounced off me harmlessly as I reached out and blasted a handful of the demons with my own attack.

Their flesh melted from their bones, and they screamed in agony as they were reduced to a pile of rubbery flesh and ashy bones. I killed a few more of the fuckers, but there were just too many of them. Even with my new badass armor, it felt hopeless.

The next thing I knew, a bugle sounded.

The chaos of the battle halted as we all turned to face the newcomer to the battle. At the top of a rocky brimstone hill stood a large crowd of what appeared to be Shades. Each of them had a melee weapon in one hand and a machine gun in the other.

I nearly swallowed my tongue. When we had left Daniel and our loyal Shades, there had only been half a dozen. Now, it looked like there were hundreds.

The bugle sounded once more, and the Shades charged down toward the demonic army.

“You dare oppose me?” Azazel bellowed. “You ungrateful bastards! Once I’m through with the mortal, I’m going to raze this whole Circle to the ground and start over with a new, more torture-filled structure. You will all rue the day you betrayed the King of the Fourth Circle.”

The crowd of demons scattered and ran toward the incoming Shade army, leaving Azazel exposed.

“Former King of the Fourth Circle,” I hissed. “You’re about to be deposed, you spineless mother fucker.”

“You can’t blame a demon for trying,” Azazel admitted with a shrug. “But I guess it is just the two of us once more. Let’s settle this once and for all, shall we?”

“Let’s,” I hissed as I sheathed the khopesh and held the Unhallowed Sword in both my hands.

Azazel had his broadsword at the ready, and the two of us stared each other down silently like we were in some old western film. In the background, I heard the screams of demon grunts as they were mowed down by the Shades’ bullets.

Azazel and I were both in rough shape, but I knew we both wanted this fight to be over.

And we were going to give it our all.

“Jakey!” Todd’s voice called out. “You look badass, bro! Long live the Purple Knight!”

“Do not worry about us, Jacob,” Cupi shouted. “The demons up here are dead, and the Shades look like they’re handling the army.”

“Silence, succubus!” Azazel hissed. “As much as it pains me to say this, Cupiditas, I’m going to cut out your tongue first. I’m tired of your insolence.”

“Don’t you dare fucking talk to her like that!” I screamed and charged the Demon King.

Our swords clashed, and I took the opportunity to deck Azazel in the face with my flaming hand.

The Father of Warfare twirled his sword around and brought it down on my right shoulder. I felt the blow of the weapon, but thankfully it didn’t cut off my arm like it should have.

My armor was too strong for that.

I brought the Unhallowed Sword to my side and then swung it upward.

Azazel was able to sidestep the blow, but only somewhat.

The blade of the weapon hit the fucker right where his left horn attached to his head, and the massive black appendage fell to the ground with a dull thud.

The demon let out a gasp of surprise, and then his entire body began to shake with rage.

I tried to skewer the bastard with my sword, but he stepped to the side and caught it just under his left armpit.

“Fine!” Azazel screamed and tossed aside his broadsword. “If I can’t slice you in half, I’ll just bash your skull in instead. Nothing can withstand the wrath of the Father of Warfare!”

Suddenly, Azazel’s hand was around my throat as he lifted me up into the air and forced the sword out of my grasp. Then Azazel slammed me into the ground as hard as he could, lifted me up into the air, and repeated the action as many times as he could.

Which was a lot, since I lost count.

Waves of pain shot through my body as the rocky brimstone of the ground threatened to break through my enchanted armor. My vision began to darken, and I raised my hand to try and cast a spell.

Before I could summon anything into my hand, Azazel’s stump came down and punched me square in the face. My brain rattled around in my skull as he pummeled my body violently, and I could feel my armor beginning to weaken.

I’d thrown the book at Azazel, but he was still going strong. It all seemed hopeless. This might be it. This fucker may just get the last laugh after all.

Even though I couldn’t see myself, I could tell my body was covered with bruises, and I could feel the warm blood dripping down my forehead.

Azazel stopped for a moment to catch his breath.

“Just like cracking open a walnut,” he mocked. “But your skull is going to be much more fun to break open, and your brain is going to make a fine appetizer for the delightful things I’m going to do to your friends.”

My friends. Maybe there was a way out of this after all.

Of course, it wasn’t going to be pretty.

I needed to do a God Bomb on this fucker, and it needed to be the most powerful God Bomb I’d ever produced.

To do that, I needed all hands on deck. It would mean that the portal between the underworld and Earth Realm would be closed, and it would also alert Lucifer to my presence in Hell.

But there was no other option.

“Typical mortal,” Azazel spat. “Here, in your final moments, you show yourself for the coward you truly are. No last words? No final act of defiance? You’re just going to let yourself be killed? I expected more from you, Jacob.”

“I’ve still got plenty of surprises left, asshole,” I reassured the demon.

Then I used the last bit of my strength to reach up and run my hand down my right arm. As I did so, every single tattoo on my body lit up with a blinding white light.

Four beams shot out of my arm, arced through the sky, and landed on the ground about one-hundred feet away from us. There, in the light, stood the figures of the four remaining succubi.

“What have you done, Jacob?” Libidine gasped. “The portal … it’s closed!”

“Portal, shmortl,” Gula hissed and took a step toward Azazel, “Jacob’s in trouble.”

“Wait!” Superbia called out from above. “Jacob and Azazel are engaged in a single combatant challenge. If you step in, it will invalidate Jacob’s claim to the throne.”

Azazel slammed me into the ground two more times and then tossed me to the side.

“Here, succubus filth!” he growled as I landed at the four succubis’ feet. “Take your ‘master.’ He’s not long for this world, anyways.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Azazel,” I said weakly as I forced myself to my feet.

My body was on fire, and I didn’t even know how I was still functioning right now. My ribs were broken, I surely had a concussion, and I was bruised and battered all over.

But, I wasn’t going to let Azazel win.

“It’s time for some divine intervention,” I announced and hoped that my friends would take the hint. “This ends now.”

“You’re right,” Azazel agreed as he walked over and picked up his broadsword. “It ends now, with you writhing at the end of my blade.”

Suddenly, I felt it. A warm, tingling sensation started in my heart and then spread all throughout my body. My hands began to glow with white light, and I felt a familiar surge of energy take over my battered soul.

The succubi and Todd were all channeling their energy into my body, and I was charging up for a big finish.

Azazel laughed. “Oh, this is rich,” he cackled. “Please, please use divine powers on me. There will be Hell to pay if you do.”

Without another word, the fucker charged at me with his sword at the ready.

I stared Azazel down as he approached, and I refused to yield. I felt the sensation slowly turn from a warm tingle into a full-on, electric burst of power. My body was engulfed with Divine Light, and I was charging up for the attack to end all attacks.

The God Bomb.

Azazel was now only twenty feet away from me, and he raised his sword up into the air.

The second he exposed his torso, I unleashed the attack directly into his chest. My eyes were completely blinded by the divine magic, and the earth itself trembled at the release of the God Bomb.

Azazel screamed in agony as the spell overtook him, and his wails of pain continued for a full minute before I finally released the spell.

I took in a deep breath and surveyed the damage.

The King of the Fourth Circle was still alive, but just barely. His red skin was burned to a toasty black crisp, and he was on his hands and knees as he struggled for breath. The area all around Azazel was destroyed, with boulders and debris scattered all throughout the landscape.

I limped toward the fallen demon with the Unhallowed Sword in my hand.

When I finally reached the fucker, he looked up at me with sheer agony in his eyes.

“G-go on,” he rasped out. “End me, mortal. Take your place as King. At least I’ll go to my grave knowing your secret.”

“My secret?” I demanded. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

A thin smile spread across Azazel’s lips, and he shook his head and began to laugh maniacally.

This must have been another one of his tricks, but I wasn’t going to fall for it. I was done with this asshole.

I raised the Unhallowed Sword above my head.

“See you around, mortal,” he cackled. “I’ll--”

I brought down my blade, and Azazel’s head separated from his torso with a bloody plop.

The air grew eerily quiet, and I looked up to see that all of his demon minions had fallen as well.

I dropped the sword to my side, fell down to my knees, and stared at Azazel’s body in disbelief.

“It’s over,” I said aloud to myself with a chuckle. “It’s finally over.”

Chapter 19

“Is he … ” Libidine asked as she and her sisters approached.

“He’s dead,” I laughed, still in disbelief. “Azazel’s dead!”

All four of the succubi looked at each other in shock. Their mouths hung agape as they stared at their former master’s corpse, and then they let out a little squeal of glee and embraced.

“We did it, bro!” Todd called out from the castle wall. “Ding, dong, the bastard’s dead!”

I tried to stand to my feet, but I fell down instantly.

“Get down here ASAP!” Ira demanded. “Jacob is hurt. Like, really, really hurt, and not in the ‘wax candle in the asshole’ kind of way.”

“Is … is that supposed to be good?” I joked weakly.

“You’ll have to tell me,” the succubus flirted. “It’s on my list of things to try.”

“I'll bet it is,” I sighed as Tris and Ira helped me to my feet.

The adrenaline was finally wearing off, and I was beginning to feel just how hurt I really was. My entire face was puffed up from my injuries, and each assisted step I took caused a jolt of pain to shoot up my spine.

The drawbridge of the castle fell to the ground with a loud crash, and Eligor, Todd, Sia, and Cupi came running out in a frenzy.

Sia got to me first, and she wasted no time in summoning her healing spell.

“My lord, Jacob … ” she said, nearly in tears. “He really did a number on you.”

I released the protective spell around my body, and the redheaded madame ran her golden hand over me.

A warm sensation followed her glowing hand, and I felt its healing touch fall over me like a shroud. Unlike before, this was a feeling of being on pins and needles, but in a good way. As Sia’s hand glided over my wounds, the pain disappeared, and the visible cuts and bruises healed themselves up until it looked like they had never been there in the first place.

Within a minute or two, I felt as good as new.

I stood up on my own two feet, cracked my back limberly, and then turned to my friends.

“All hail the Purple Knight,” Todd cackled. “Seriously, Jakey, I told you that would work, didn’t I?”

“You did, Todd,” I admitted. “I guess that means I’ll keep you around a little bit longer.”

“Please,” the imp scoffed. “You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” Cupi admitted. “All those years of torture and abuse … and now the fucker’s dead. I should feel happy, but I don’t. It’s like I’m in a dream, like this is a trick and he could come back at any moment.”

“It’s not a dream,” I reassured the blonde. “Azazel is gone for good.”

“At what cost, though?” Sia sighed. “You used Divine powers in Hell, Jacob. That will surely attract the attention of Lucifer.”

“We’ll deal with that when it happens,” I promised. “Besides, I’m the new King of the Fourth Circle. I’m gonna have to deal with the Devil eventually, anyways.”

“You won’t get far if you call him that,” Ira explained. “I’ve never met the guy personally, but apparently he cuts out the tongues of anyone who refuses to call him ‘Lucifer.’”

“He’s very picky about that name, isn’t he?” I observed.

“I’d be pretty pissed off too if I had an elegant name, but people kept referring to me by some buffoonish nickname,” Eligor chimed in and shot Todd a dirty look. “Thank goodness we don’t know anyone like that.”

“Yeah, thank God, Goldilocks,” Todd shot back without even the slightest indication of taking the hint. “Lame nicknames would get old reeallly fast. Why do you think I spent so much time perfecting Gula’s?”

“I appreciate it, Todd,” the curvy redhead giggled.

Cupiditas walked over to Azazel’s severed head, picked it up, and examined it in awe.

“This seriously feels like a dream,” she mused as she looked over the grisly remains. “Millenia of torture and enslavement, all over.”

I walked over to the succubus, wrapped my arms around her tightly, and embraced her from behind. My nostrils took in the sweet, floral smell of Cupi’s hair, and it was almost pleasing enough to make me forget we were in Hell.

Seeing Azazel’s head, however, reminded me all the better about our current reality. The Father of Warfare’s mouth was open, and his tongue was dangling out over his razor-sharp teeth. One of Azazel’s eyes was closed, and the other was wandering so far to the side I wondered if it was trying to do a full three-sixty in his skull. The fucker’s dark red skin had been burned to a crisp, covered completely by third-degree burns. What little remained of the King of the Fourth Circle was pitiful, just like he had been in life.

Then I had to mentally remind myself that he wasn’t the King of the Fourth Circle any more.

I was.

“Why don’t you put that thing down?” I asked Cupi coyly. “It may feel like a dream, but it’s our new reality. Azazel is defeated, and the Fourth Circle is ours.”

The succubus looked at the head once more, and then she dropped it to the ground and kicked it away like a soccer ball. Cupi turned her head to the side and pressed her lips tightly against mine. She tasted just as sweet as she smelled, and we held our passionate kiss for several, all-too-short seconds.

“The Fourth Circle was where we lived for hundreds of thousands of years,” Sia interjected, “but now, under Jacob’s guidance, it can be the superior Circle.”

“More than just that,” Gula spoke up. “It can truly be our home.”

“Yeah!” Tris exclaimed. “I’ve already got all of these great ideas on how we can fix up this castle, most of which involve large flat screen TVs, comfy sofas, and munchables that are limitless.”

“Now that’s speaking my language, Slothy,” Todd agreed.

“Easy there, Sister,” Ira explained. “Jacob can change the landscape and some of the parameters, but it’s still Hell. This place has to follow Lucifer’s guidelines to a tee, or else we could get audited.”

“Every King and Queen of Hell has a contract,” Sia explained. “Surely Azazel’s was in his castle. If we could find it, Ira and I could examine it and see if there are any legal loopholes we could exploit.”

“Ugh,” Tris moaned, “is that the thing he always carried around that was like twelve-hundred pages long? That’s gonna take forever to get through.”

“We’re going to have plenty of time,” I sighed. “It doesn’t look like we’re going anywhere anytime soon. When I brought you guys down here, the spell holding open the Porta ad Inferos was broken. I have no idea how the fuck we’re going to get home now.”

“What if we don’t have to go home?” Libidine spoke up bashfully. “You now have an entire Circle of Hell that you can bend to your will, Jacob. We can make this our new home!”

For a second, I wanted to believe the dark-haired succubus. I literally had a world at my fingertips, and it had just about everything we could ever possibly need. But then I thought about all the people we’d left behind back on Earth.

My parents were on Earth Realm. Jane and Oliver and the entire Cult of Ralston was on Earth Realm. Our friend Raphael was on Earth Realm.

We couldn’t just leave them all behind.

More importantly, there were still plenty of demons up there who were manipulating, tormenting, and killing human beings.

I couldn’t let that slide, not even if it meant an eternity of relative peace for me and my women.

“All hail Jacob Ralston, the King of the Fourth Circle!” Daniel, the blond Shade we’d saved earlier, called out as he and his friends approached. “What did I tell you guys? He’s a legend in the flesh.”

The large crowd of Shades raised their fists up into the air and let out a triumphant “harooo!” before they all began to break out into a chant of “Jacob! Jacob!”

“Thank you, Daniel,” I said as I walked over and shook the Shade’s hand. “If it wasn’t for you guys, those demons probably would have torn us apart.”

“It’s the least I could do.” The blond Shade shook his head. “You saved us from an eternity of torture and pain. We will follow you to the end of the world, my friend. Or should I say, my king?”

“I’d rather you didn’t,” I chuckled and waved my hand.

“Yeah, bro,” Todd explained, “Jakey gets all weird about titles and shit like that. The girls keep trying to tell me it’s because he’s so humble, but I think it’s just because he doesn’t think he can remember all of ‘em.”

“Or maybe he just wants to remain anonymous,” Invidia spoke up. “Life is too fleeting to worry about bullshit titles given to us by the posers of the world.”

Todd looked over at the succubus and gave her a “what the fuck” look. “Are … are you okay?” he asked. “Like, seriously, do we need to call you a therapist or something?”

“It’s part of her appeal,” Sia explained. “Some men really like the broken, depressed type.”

“The kinda girls who would write ‘This is who I am, nobody says you have to like it’ on their social media and have posters of dudes with eyeliner all over their walls?” Todd asked curiously.

“That seems oddly specific,” Sia pondered.

“I knew a lot of them in high school,” the imp admitted. “I’m sorry to say I even banged a few of ‘em.”

“Are you talking about Sherry?” I chuckled as I reminisced on our youth. “I don’t think holding hands and chanting while dry humping counts as ‘banging.’”

“I still got off, and she got to complete her weird ass wiccan spell,” the imp shrugged. “It was a win for both of us.”

Daniel was watching this entire exchange with a raised eyebrow, and then he turned back to me.

“Well, whether you accept the title or not, you are our king,” he explained. “We are at your mercy and your wrath, although I know you will be a much more just ruler than Azazel ever was.”

“Speaking of that asshole,” I offered, “his body is right over there, and I don’t want it to stay here.”

“Yeah,” Todd interjected, “a dead body would really fuck with the feng shui of the place.”

“Exactly,” I chuckled. “Would you be willing to get it out of here for us?”

Daniel bowed his head. “We would be more than happy, my king,” he answered with a dark look on his face. “Azazel has been the bane of our existence for thousands of years. I’m sure the Shades of the Fourth Circle would love to spend a little bit more quality time with him before we dispose of his body.”

The angry mob of Shades walked over to the body and lifted it up into the air. Another small group approached his head, picked it up, and stabbed it onto the end of a pitchfork. Then the mob walked back toward the horizon, and they carried the two pieces of the corpse while cheering wildly and firing their guns into the air.

“Remind me to never piss off the Shades,” I gasped as soon as they were out of earshot.

“Let that just be a lesson, bro,” Todd explained. “All throughout history, the story of kings always ends the same … even if it does take hundreds of thousands of years to happen. So maybe it is better if you don’t want the crown.”

“Like it or not, it’s mine,” I sighed. “And so is the Fourth Circle. We’ve got a lot of work to do, but thankfully we have all the time in the world.”

“We’ll find a way to return to Earth Realm,” Libidine reassured me. “We’ll see all of our friends once more.”

“I’m sure we will,” I said with a tender smile. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this whole adventure, it’s that when we work together, we can defeat anyone or anything that comes our way. You guys are the best team a man could ask for.”

“Stop it, Jakey,” Todd said as he put his hand over his mouth and kicked the ground bashfully. “You’re gonna make me blush.”

“But, in all seriousness,” Eligor took over the conversation, “you have one of the most efficient units I’ve ever seen. It’s an honor to have you as an ally.”

“What about you?” I asked the blonde knight. “Are you going to go back to Lilith now?”

Eligor nodded. “Yes,” she explained, “my mistress will want to know everything that has transpired here today. Rest assured, she will be beyond pleased.”

“Great,” I said half-heartedly. “Maybe next time we can meet the Demon Queen herself.”

“Play your cards right, and maybe you will,” the blonde answered matter-of-factly.

I walked in a small circle as I looked out at my new kingdom and took it all in. The Fourth Circle was a vast space limited only by the constraints of my own imagination and stretched on to infinity. As much as I wanted to get back home, I was kinda excited to start rebuilding the whole thing. Ideas were already flitting through my mind, but there would be time for that later.

For now, I just wanted to rest.

I began to head back to the castle, and my team followed. We passed through the open gate, walked up to the keep, and then got comfortable in the lounging area.

We were all exhausted from the battle that had just occurred outside these gates, and we wanted nothing more than to kick back and relax for awhile.

There was a couch in the living quarters Azazel had designed to fit all seven of his succubi plus one more, and that was our seat of choice. The girls all cuddled up to me on the couch as they giggled and tried to get comfortable.

“You know,” Libidine said coyly from my left, “you now have a full Harem and a massive following. That technically makes you a Demon Lord.”

“I don’t know about that, Lib,” Todd argued. “Jakey mostly has succubi. Doesn’t that make him more of a succubus lord?”

“I actually kinda like that,” I laughed and leaned my head back against the couch. “Jacob Ralston, King of the Fourth Circle and Succubus Lord.”

“Try putting that one on a Starbucks cup,” the imp joked and held out his hands to frame the headline. “You’ll never believe this man’s name. Baristas hate him!”

“You know … ” Cupi spoke up, “there are still eight more Circles of Hell, each with a Demon King who has their own succubi … ”

“Cupiditas!” Sia gasped playfully. “Are you suggesting we add more members to the Circle of Sin?”

The blonde succubus just shrugged. “Maybe,” she explained. “All I’m saying is that there are lots more worlds to conquer. If Jacob could defeat them all, he’d be a Succubus King.”

“Now that’s a title I could be proud of,” I admitted. “But that’s later. Much, much later. For now, I just want to sit here with my friends and savor our victory.”

I pulled the succubi in closer and let out a deep sigh of happiness.

It was over. My greatest enemy was vanquished, and I was now sitting in his castle with his seven beautiful succubi at my side.

Fuck Azazel. I won.

Hail to the Succubus Lord.

End of book 7

End Notes

Thank you for reading Succubus Lord 7! I was thinking that this seems like a good spot to put the series on hold/end the series. Or I could write more books about Jacob building his empire in hell, conquering other circles, killing more Demon Lords, and building up his harem of succubi. What do you think? Should I write more Succubus Lord, or do you want me to work on other books? Let me know in the reviews right here.

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2019 by Eric Vall