Chapter 1

“So, I’m trying to wrap my head around this,” Libidine pondered aloud as we wandered through the streets of New Orleans. “Today is some sort of religious celebration here on Earth?”

“Correct,” I explained. “It’s called Mardi Gras, and it’s a big deal here.”

“I thought the Exalted One was an old fuddy-duddy,” Cupiditas said with a sly grin, “but the alcohol seems to be flowing, and there was a group of women back there who were flashing their breasts at all the men down below. Maybe he’s not as much of a prude as I thought.”

“Ehhhh,” Todd the imp interjected, “the whole idea behind the thing has been distorted over the years. Now it’s just a giant party where people have an excuse to get drunk, stuff their faces, and bump uglies. Not in that order, of course. That’s just asking for an eruption in the throes of sexy time, and not the good kind. The kind that’s made of stomach stew and not baby-making goo.”

“We get it, Todd,” I said in an attempt to keep the imp from going into any more detail. “Fuck first, eat and drink later.”

“Not necessarily,” Todd continued. “Most of the time, you wanna start with the alcohol. There’s a lot of beautiful women in this place, but a stomach full of Jack Daniels can turn a five into a twenty.”

Thankfully, the imp was currently in his human form and not the three-foot-tall, red-skinned being with hooves and horns he normally was. This form helped my friend blend into the crowd more subtly, but it also allowed him to interact with humans without causing a scene. Todd’s hippie-like appearance might have been off-putting to some, but it was much less alarming to your average Joe than a creature from Hell would have been.

“Not to be a Debbie Downer,” Tristitia spoke up, “but how much farther do we have to go? You said Baal is here in New Orleans, right?”

“Yes and no,” I explained to the tall brunette succubus. “The final member of the Seventy-Two Servants is in the Big Easy, but he’s not downtown. He’s out in some swamp somewhere on the outskirts of town.”

“Then what are we doing in this giant crowd of people?” The succubus sighed. “I’m always down for a good party, but this is exhausting. Everybody has beads, but you can only get them if you show your tits. Which apparently is only allowed in certain parts of the city, mind you. There’s a parade, but you have to be here like six hours early in order to get a decent spot. It’s, like, why even throw a party if you’re gonna toss in a bunch of rules, ya know?”

“Is that an advocacy for total anarchy I hear?” Todd asked hopefully. “I like you more and more every day, Slothy!”

“It makes sense for Baal to be out in the middle of a swamp somewhere,” Cupi interjected. “He is part frog, after all.”

“Of all the demons who are left for us to slay, I can’t believe we’re facing off against the one who is part frog and part cat,” I observed. “It sounds like whoever created this guy was just pulling things out of their ass.”

“It’s like platypussies, bro,” Todd added. “Those things are like duck-beavers that lay eggs and have venomous bites.”

All four of us stared at Todd for a minute.

“Do you mean a platypus?” I asked curiously.

Todd blinked his blue eyes at us, completely confused. “That’s what I said, right?” he protested. “Platypussies.”

“‘Pus,’ Todd.” I laughed. “It’s not a cat.”

“What does a cat have to do with an amphibious mammal?” the disguised imp questioned.

“Nothing.” I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Nothing at all.”

“I still can’t believe we’re down to the last name on our list,” Libidine pondered to change the subject. “After we’ve finished off Baal, the Seventy-Two Servants will be no more!”

The dark-haired succubus was right. Over the course of the last year and a half, my succubi and I, along with the cultists who followed me and the Archangel Raphael, had hunted down and slain seventy-one members of the Seventy-Two Servants. These assholes were a powerful band of demons who followed Azazel, one of the deadliest beings in the universe who also just happened to be my arch-enemy.

Then again, I guess stealing the King of the Fourth Circle’s succubi, converting his cultists, and banishing him to Hell wasn’t exactly going to put me on his good side.

“You have no idea how relieved that makes me,” I said with a smile as I wrapped my arm around Liby. “After all this time… all the adventures… we can finally kill the last of Azazel’s cronies and be free of that red-skinned fucker once and for all.”

Our group passed by a small band of men dressed in colorful clothing who looked like they were drunk off their asses. They were talking amongst themselves loudly, and they each had a full set of beads strung around their necks and beer bottles in their hands. One of the men, dressed up in a purple collared shirt, was fruitlessly trying to light up a doobie.

“Yoink!” Todd exclaimed as he plucked the joint out of the man’s hand.

The imp held the joint out in front of his body, summoned a tiny flame of red Hellfire into his finger, and lit it. Then, he raised the doobie to his mouth, took a hit, and exhaled smoke into the air as his eyes rolled back in his head.

“This is some top-grade shit, Slothy,” Todd promised and extended the joint out to Tris. “I don’t know what it is exactly, but we need to try and make a copycat for our dispensary.”

Tris took the joint from the disguised imp, popped its end between her thin lips, and then inhaled deeply. Smoke blew out of the brunette’s nose, and then she smiled devilishly.

“Please,” she scoffed. “I have a strain of Emerald Ash Borer that puts this shit to shame.”

“You have a strain you haven’t shared with me yet?” Todd asked in a dumbfounded voice. “Slothy, if we wanna be partners, then you gotta keep me in the loop on everything! Nothing should go on at T&T’s Wake ‘N Bake that I don’t know about.”

“T&T’s Wake ‘N Bake?” Libidine mused.

“That’s our depository’s name,” Tris said proudly. “Don’t wear it out.”

Todd looked down the street and then turned to Tristitia in a panic. “Oh shit!” he exclaimed. “It’s the po-po!”

Without warning, the imp knocked the joint out of Tris’ hand. In one swift motion, Todd stomped on the doobie to put it out and then held his foot nonchalantly over the illegal drug as two uniformed officers passed by. The blond man gave them each an awkward nod, and they responded with a knowing smile. However, they just laughed to themselves and continued walking.

“It’s New Orleans, Todd,” I explained to the imp. “I’m sure they’ve seen much, much worse.”

“I take no chances, bro,” Todd shot back. “The last thing the Toddster needs is to end up in prison. Do you have any idea what they’d do to me in there, Jakey? A hot piece of meat like myself would get passed around like the doobie I just smoked. Probably used by multiple people at once. It’d give the term ‘spitroasting’ a whole new meaning.”

“Please stop,” Cupi gagged.

“And the worst part?” Todd continued. “I wouldn’t even get to say ‘no homo’ first. I’ve seen Oz. Those guys’ll just sneak up on ya in your sleep and then bam! You go from a cheerio to a glazed donut.”

“I’m not following,” Cupi admitted.

“You really don’t want him to explain--” I started, but the Toddster was already on it.

The imp held up his right hand and curled his fist so it would make a tiny circle. “Cheerio … ” he explained, and then he loosened his fist and made the inner circle wider. “Donut.”

Cupi thought about his example for a minute, and then her eyes grew wide in horror. The blonde succubus put her hands over her mouth and made sounds like she was dry-heaving.

“I warned you,” I said with a chuckle.

“I’m enjoying this party, Jacob,” Libidine said from my arm’s embrace, wisely trying to turn us from further exploring the topic. “Even if Todd’s examples are gross and horrifying.”

“Unfortunately, we can’t stay here much longer.” I sighed and took in the crowd.

All along the side of the road, people were dressed in vibrant shades of purple and gold and green. They clumped together in groups, cheering as the floats and vehicles of the parade passed by in front of them. Every now and again, you’d see a handful of candy or beads get tossed out into the groups of spectators.

“That’s a shame,” Liby admitted. “I haven’t even gotten any beads yet.”

“I’ll give you all the beads you want when we get back,” I reassured the succubus. “In fact, I may just let you earn ‘em the old fashioned way … ”

The curvy, dark-haired woman looked deep into my eyes with her violet irises and grinned. “I think I’d like that,” she admitted, “but for now, we need to find this Esther woman.”

“What kinda name is Esther, anyways?” Todd asked curiously. “It sounds like she should be wearing an oversized cap and hunting ‘wabbits.’”

“Esther and I go way back,” Tris explained. “Back when I still worked for Azazel and Earl, I was here all the time. There’s just something that drew me to a place called ‘The Big Easy,’ ya know? Well, as you may or may not know, I was always disobeying my master’s orders and sneaking off to check out all the cool shit Earth had to offer.”

“I remember,” I explained as I gave her a grim nod. “Cupi told me way back when we were first together. She used your story as an example of Earl’s cruelty.”

Tris went silent, bit her lip, and then stared down at the ground as if she were staring off into a dark void.

“Yeah,” she muttered, “I remember all that bullshit. I got too close to the sun and figured I could still get back in time before he noticed I was gone. I was waaaay wrong. That meant weeks in the torture chamber of the Eighth Circle for me.”

“I’m so sorry, Tris,” I comforted Tris as I put my hand on her shoulder, “but Earl and Azazel can’t hurt you any more. They’re both back in the pits of Hell right now, probably being tortured by Lucifer and his minions just like you were.”

“Doubtful,” Cupi scoffed. “Azazel might be banished from Earth Realm, but he’s still the King of the Fourth Circle. He’s probably down there right now, drinking cocktails made of blood while he watches everything that’s going on here with his dimensional mirror.”

“Dimensional mirror?” I questioned as a few of the parade floats passed us by.

“One of the main features of Azazel’s castle in Hell is the dimensional mirror he has hanging over his mantle,” Libidine explained. “It’s almost like the TVs we use here on Earth, but instead of showing exciting movies or interesting documentaries, it allows the viewer to check in on their minions.”

“Wait … ” I pondered aloud, and I could feel my face drain of its color. “So you’re telling me Azazel has been able to watch us this whole time?”

“Bro … ” Todd gagged with realization. “He’s probably totally been wacking it while he watches you guys fucking.”

“Thankfully, that’s not an option.” Cupi interjected. “Once we swore our allegiance to Jacob and made our first connection, we became his succubi. The mirror only works on those who truly believe in Azazel and his mission.”

“But he has been able to see what’s going on with all of his minions,” Libidine continued. “Which means he’s probably been watching all of our battles over the last year or so.”

“Probably?” Tris said as she perked back up. “Gula and I watched the entire Battle of Hell’s Gate! It was pretty fucking awesome, even if the surprise twist of Ira’s betrayal felt a little bit cliche.”

“Oh, so now you’re a critic?” I joked and gave Tris a playful nudge.

“We also watched your fight on top of that huge tower in San Francisco,” the brunette continued. “Seeing you and our former sisters in action for the first time was a real treat, you know. Sister Ira kept rewinding the footage and putting the brutal kills in slow-motion. If I remember correctly, she also kept pausing it whenever it would get a close shot of your face.”

“Looks like Ira had a crush on you even back then,” Liby giggled.

“She sure had a weird way of showing it,” I shot back. “Considering she tried to kill us multiple times, including by dropping a beloved memorial on our heads.”

“You know what I say, dude,” Tris said with a wave of her hand. “Namaste. Hakuna Matata. Live and Let Die. What’s in the past should stay in the past, and we should only be focusing on the here and the now.”

“Wow,” Todd mused. “You should totally write a book of zen sayings, Slothy. They’d probably sell like hotcakes on my Toddcast.”

“Toddcast?” I groaned at the imp’s words.

“Yup!” Todd exclaimed proudly. “I’ve transcended the world of blogging and have moved on to podcasting. Tuesdays with the Toddster is one of the top-rated paranormal and occult podcasts in the world, bro!”

“How many paranormal and occult-themed podcasts are there?” I asked coyly.

Todd crossed his arms across his chest and tried a little too hard to make it look like he was thinking about the question. He rubbed at his goatee as he let out an overdramatic “hmmmm.” Finally, the disguised imp shrugged.

“I dunno,” he admitted. “Probably like five or six.”

“Well, hey,” I laughed, “at least you can say you’re in the top five!”

“Sixth,” Todd muttered under his breath. “I’m actually in sixth.”

“Cheer up, Toddster,” I comforted my friend. “Someday, that number one spot will be all yours.”

“Come on, guys,” Tris pleaded as she motioned for us to follow her. “Let’s go find Esther. This parade is getting boring.”

I raised an eyebrow at the succubus coyly. “You think the biggest Mardi Gras parade in the country is boring?”

Tristitia stifled a yawn with her mouth. “It’s just a bunch of sensory overload and people in ridiculous costumes,” she said with a shrug. “If I wanted to watch that, I would have stayed home and turned the TV to pro wrestling.”

Todd let out a shocked gasp, and then the imp furrowed his brow and pointed his finger at the succubus angrily.

“You take that back!” he demanded.

“Maybe I’m being too harsh,” Tris admitted. “This thing is just a clusterfuck of people. At least with wrestling there are stories, even if they are fake.”

“Slothy,” Todd warned as he held up his thumb and pointer finger, “I’m thiiisss close to giving you the Rock Bottom right here in the street. There will be no knocking Earth’s greatest warriors in T&T’s Wake ‘N Bake.”

The brunette winked at the imp and gave him a little salute. “Sure thing, boss.”

“Good,” Todd said as his demeanor became calmer and he turned toward the rest of us. “The Toddster runs a very tight ship as a manager. You can’t let your employees get too far outta line.”

“Aren’t you and Tris fifty-fifty partners?” Libidine reminded the imp. “Superbia set up your charter very specifically so you’d split everything down the middle.”

Todd put a hand over the right side of his mouth so Tris couldn’t hear what he was saying. “That may be the case, but it’s good business practice to treat your partner like a mushroom,” he explained. “Keep ‘em in the dark and keep feeding ‘em shit.”

“That’s the opposite of what you’re supposed to do with a fifty-fifty partner,” I pointed out. “Like, the complete opposite. At least, that’s what all of my business professors would say.”

“Business professors, bro?” Todd scoffed. “Please. What do they know? Everybody knows a degree from Mardsten University is useless.”

“Todd, we went to the same school,” I mused.

“And now I’m a three-foot tall imp who runs a paranormal blog from his best friend’s second bedroom,” the imp argued. “I’ll let you make of that what you will.”

“You know,” I admitted, “I can’t really argue with that one.”

“Shouldn’t we be heading toward Esther’s shop?” Cupi interjected. “I’d hate to have come all this way just to have her be closed when we got there.’”

“Alright, alright,” I conceded. “I just figured we were already in the area and it was the right time. It’s not like you got to see this kind of stuff in Hell.”

“You’re definitely right about that one.” Cupi chuckled. “The only parades we had down there were when Azazel and his army would march their prisoners through the Fourth Circle before they executed them.”

“So not as pleasant?” I joked.

“No,” the blonde succubus retorted. “Unless you consider things like an iron maiden or being broken on the wheel ‘pleasant.’”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, dudette,” Todd argued. “Iron Maiden is the shit.”

Cupi, Liby, and Tris all looked at the disguised imp in horror.

“The torture device, not the band,” I clarified.

Todd’s eyes widened as he realized what I was saying. “Ohhhhhh. Why didn’t you just say so, bro?”

I looked down at my phone and saw that it was nearing five in the afternoon. As much as I would have loved to stay here and party all night long with this lively crowd, Cupi was right. We still had a mission to finish.

“Alright, gang,” I addressed my friends. “Let’s go meet the voodoo woman.”

Thankfully, Esther’s shop was located right here in the French Quarter. The five of us pulled ourselves away from the parade and headed north, toward the address Tris had provided. The slender brunette acted as our guide, and it was nearly impossible for me to take my eyes off her.

Tristitia was wearing a flowing tan shirt that almost looked like something straight out of Woodstock. The fabric of the garment may have been flowing, but it was far from frumpy. The shirt’s material hugged every curve of Tris’ torso, from her slender stomach to her small, pert breasts. On her lower half, the succubus wore a pair of hippie pants with a green floral pattern, and I could catch a glimpse of Tris’ bouncing ass as she walked.

It was nearly impossible to peel my attention away from the succubus’ rear, and my eyes were glued to it all the way from the parade to our destination.

“Here we are,” Tris panted as she doubled over. “Next time can we drive? That was a really, really long walk.”

“It was only six blocks,” Cupi pointed out.

“Six?” the brunette succubus exclaimed. “Holy shit, I think I got my exercise in for the next three months.”

We were now standing in front of a somewhat run-down storefront on the outskirts of the French Quarter. The little shop had a red exterior with a dark green door and shutters, with paint that looked like it had been through decades and decades of weather damage. Like most of the businesses in the area, the shop was housed in a large French Colonial building that was also home to apartment complexes and cafes on the upper levels. Above the door of Esther’s shop hung a small sign that read “Esther’s Voodoo Palace” in shiny red neon letters, right next to the words “Open” in white lettering.

“This old hag isn’t gonna turn us into a frog or some shit, is she?” Todd asked in fear as we stepped through the doors.

“Of course not,” Tris reassured. “Esther’s a sweetheart. She may be a voodoo queen, but she wouldn’t harm a fly if it landed on her arm.”

“In fact,” Libidine added as she observed the inside of the place, “you probably don’t even need your disguise anymore. There’s nobody else here, and Esther is used to all sorts of demonic creatures.”

“Thank fuck!” Todd said with a sigh of relief.

The imp’s human body began to bubble underneath his skin, and then he slowly began to transform back into his regular form. Todd’s flesh returned to a deep shade of red, and then his arms and legs contracted into his torso. Then his blond hair retracted into his skull like spaghetti noodles going through the machine in reverse, until only two stubby black horns remained on his head.

“As much as human Todd helps me blend in,” the imp explained, “I really hate walking on those scrawny legs, bro. Ever since I got this sweet bod, they just don’t work right. I feel like a baby gazelle who’s learning how to walk.”

“In that form, you kinda look like one, too,” Cupi giggled.

Todd put his hands on his hips and shot the succubus a glare. “Normally I’d be offended by that comment, but I’m gonna let it slide this time,” Todd said with a snort. “I’m just happy to be back in the body that looks like it’s been sculpted by Michelangelo himself.”

“Michelangelo?” Libidine asked jokingly.

“Fine,” Todd conceded. “More like Donatello. Or Leonardo. Or Raphael.”

“Those are the only famous artists you know, aren’t they?” I asked with a grin.

“Like I said, bro,” the imp shrugged, “I didn’t pay attention in History class. Everything I know about Renaissance artists I learned from mutant turtles.”

“Speaking of mutant turtles,” I grimaced as I pointed to an item on the wall, “what the fuck is that thing?”

Hanging next to a bunch of voodoo dolls was what appeared to be the corpse of a reptile, all shrivelled up and preserved like a shrunken head. Out of its shell protruded several colorful feathers, each one with a different marking.

“That’s a tchotchot, bro,” Todd explained. “It’s a symbol of good luck.”

“Not for the turtle,” I mused.

Esther’s shop was filled with all sorts of curiosities like the tchotchot, from hand-sewn voodoo dolls to incense burners to wooden crosses and skulls. The entire place smelled of sweet sage, and the shelves on the walls were so packed with items I couldn’t even see what the inside walls looked like.

“It’s quite amazing, isn’t it?” a somewhat piercing voice asked from behind us. “I’ve owned this shop for nearly forty-six years, and even I sometimes get caught marveling at its wonders.”

The five of us whipped around and were greeted with the sight of an elderly woman dressed in a red turban and a pure white gown. She looked like she had to at least be in her seventies, but the gleam in her eye was that of a young soul.

“Esther!” Tris exclaimed.

The brunette succubus dashed over and embraced the elderly woman who cackled gleefully in Tris’ arms. Tristitia finally released the woman from her hug, but she kept her hands on the woman’s shoulders.

“It’s good to see you again, old friend,” the succubus said lovingly.

“Who you callin’ ‘old,’ darling?” Esther shot back. “You haven’t aged a single day since I saw you last. How are things with Azazel? Is he still an uptight, abusive fuckwad?”

“I like this woman already,” Todd whispered to me.

“We’re not with Azazel anymore,” Libidine spoke up. “We’re with Jacob now.”

Esther looked over at the group, and a puzzled expression spread across her face. She rapped her fingers against her chin for a moment, but then she smiled slyly.

“A mortal?” she said in disbelief. “All of you left Azazel to be with a mortal?”

“There is much, much more to Jacob than it appears,” Cupi explained. “He defeated Azazel in one-on-one combat.”

Esther’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Is that so?” she balked. “Good for you, girls! That demon was no good for anyone, anyways. It’s nice to meet you, Jacob. You must be a spectacular soul if these succubi would defy the Father of Warfare himself just to be with you.”

“The pleasure is all mine,” I said with a nod. “I promise you I’m taking good care of these women. All of them.”

“Are the rest of your sisters free, as well?” the elderly woman asked.

“Six of us are.” Liby sighed. “I’m afraid Invidia is still under our former master’s thumb.”

“That’s a shame,” Esther said as she shook her head. “I wish I could do something to help you liberate her.”

“That’s actually part of why we’re here,” Tris interjected. “We’re trying to find Baal.”

Esther’s body went rigid, and she pursed her thin lips. “Baal?” she asked with a twinge of fear in her voice. “Why in Heaven’s name would you want to find Baal? That demon is nothing but trouble.”

“We know,” the brunette succubus agreed. “but that’s why we need to find him. He’s the only one of the Seventy-Two Servants left on Earth.”

“You’ve--you’ve killed all of the Seventy-Two Servants?” the voodoo queen gasped.

“All but Baal,” I explained. “If we can take him out, Azazel’s influence here on Earth will be zero, and his powers will be even more diminished.”

“And once his powers are diminished,” Cupi continued, “we might just be able to put together a rescue mission for Invidia.”

“I see.” Esther nodded grimly. “Let me see what I can do.”

Suddenly, the elderly woman whipped around and ran over to a shelf cluttered with herbs and bottles full of mysterious liquids. Esther grabbed a mortar and pestle and began to grind up some of the unidentified plants in the bowl.

“You see, the thing about Baal is that he’s an amphibian,” she explained as she grinded. “He likes to hang around the bayou to snatch up any unsuspecting boaters who find their way into his domain. The issue is he’s very secluded and doesn’t like to come out too often. Even though he’s lived around New Orleans since the early days of the city, I’ve only actually laid eyes on him twice.”

“So if he’s out in the middle of nowhere, and he’s not a regular here, how are you going to find him?” I asked curiously.

Esther added a drop of some pink liquid to the bowl and raised an eyebrow in my direction. “Honey, I’ve been doing this stuff since before you were born,” she said sassily. “I think I can whip up a simple tracking spell for ya before you can even say, ‘Thank you, Esther.’”

“Daaaaaammmmmnnnnn!” Todd giggled beside me. “I’d totally high-five this woman right now if she didn’t have frog guts and shit all over her hands.”

Esther’s hands worked their magic for another few minutes, and then she scraped out the paste-like concoction onto her fingers. She walked over to another one of the shelves that was labeled “Personal items - Do not touch!” and picked up what appeared to be a leathery scale. The woman bowed her head and said a few words in a language I didn’t recognize as she made large sweeping motions with her free arm. Then she wiped the paste onto the mystery object and brought it over to us.

“Here you go, my friends.” Esther grinned and extended the paste-covered object toward me gleefully. “One scale of Baal, complete with a hex of reconfiguration.”

“Reconfiguration?” I questioned aloud.

The elderly woman nodded. “The hex I put on this scale will make it yearn to be reunited with its original owner. The closer you get to Baal’s location, the brighter the scale will glow, up to a two-mile radius.”

“Two miles is an awfully big space,” I whistled.

“That’s what the paste is for.” Esther chuckled. “That concoction is a powerful demon lure. If you get close enough for the scale to glow, Baal will sense its presence and come to you.”

“Where will we even know where to start?” Cupi asked the old woman, who just smiled and shook her head.

“My dear,” Esther explained, “there’s only one swamp in this area big enough to house a demon of that size, the Atchafalaya Basin. It’s thousands of square feet of pure swamp land.”

“Then we’d better get started,” I said as I reached out to shake Esther’s hand. “You have no idea how much we appreciate this.”

The elderly woman shook my hand as she grinned from ear-to-ear. “No problem, dear,” she said. “Any friend of Tris and the Circle of Sin is a friend of mine. Stop by anytime. I could honestly use the company.”

“If we’re ever back in this area, we’ll be sure to swing in,” Tris promised.

I slipped the large scale into my duffel bag, and then the five of us began to head for the exit.

“Oh, Jacob?” Esther’s voice made me halt in my tracks. “Baal is part cat, too. If you really plan to kill him, you’ll have to do it nine times over.”

“Thanks for the tip, Esther!” I smiled back at the old woman and then exited the voodoo shop.

As my friends and I headed back toward our vehicle, I couldn’t help but look forward to the task ahead. It was time to do some demon hunting.

Chapter 2

“You know, bro,” Todd mused as we traveled over the mossy water, “I’ve never actually been out on a swamp like this before. I’ve always been too scared of contracting swamp ass.”

“Uh… swamp ass?” I nearly lost control of our boat as I was taken aback by Todd’s comment.

“It’s no laughing matter, bro,” Todd shot back from the front of the boat. “I knew a guy who caught that shit from a brothel in Amsterdam. He acted all funny for weeks, and then gaaaak! Dead, just like that.”

“Are you sure you’re not thinking of another disease?” Libidine asked curiously. “Succubi are trained to deal with many different Earthly STDs, but I’m not familiar with that one.”

“Trust me, Liby,” I warned through wheezes of joy, “you don’t want to know about that one.”

“Just don’t fall in, and we’ll all be good,” Todd explained. “That’s how you get it. Dirty water up the bunghole.”

I thought about correcting the imp, but his antics were too amusing. Instead, I steered our boat toward our destination.

We’d rented out a small airboat from a local dock, and it was serving us quite well as we passed through the setting sun of the Louisiana swamp. Todd was standing at the front of the boat with his hand extended like a navigator, and the three succubi were huddled in the passengers’ seats. Cupi was polishing her polearm nonchalantly while Libidine was busy looking around curiously at the plants and animals around us.

“Careful, Cupi.” Todd snickered and pointed at the polearm. “You keep doing that and you’re gonna distract Jakey. I dunno about you, but crashing into a floating tree and getting eaten by a gator aren’t exactly on my bucket list.”

The blonde succubus shot Todd a look and then smiled. “Please,” she mused. “I’ve done this to Jacob enough times, it’s probably ho-hum to him by now.”

“Absolutely not,” I reassured Cupi. “Every time you touch me down there, it’s like you’re touching me for the first time again.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Todd interjected. “You were beat, incomplete. You’d be had, you were sad and blue … I know the song, bro. Now, please don’t go any further, or this swampy water is about to get a lot more murky.”

“You guys!” Libidine hissed with concern in her voice. “Keep your voices down. You’ll wake Tristitia.”

Apparently, Tris had decided traveling toward an epic battle was the perfect time to squeeze in a power nap. The brunette succubus was curled up into a large ball, arms folded over her chest and a purple baseball cap pulled down over her face to keep the sun out of her eyes. Her chest heaved up and down as a pathetic snore whistled through her lips.

“She can’t be asleep for too long,” I warned. “The voodoo queen said this scale would let us know as soon as we were within two miles of Baal, and we’ve been boating around this swamp for hours. We’ve got to be getting close.”

“Unless Eclair was wrong.” Todd shrugged. “Maybe he’s hiding out in a different swamp. She also said he was part cat, so maybe we should try a ball of yarn or something.”

“Esther, Todd,” I corrected, “and this is the only swamp in the area that’s big enough to sustain a creature of his size. If I recall correctly, he’s supposedly massive.”

“Massive isn’t the right word,” Cupi scoffed. “Size-wise, Baal makes Azazel look like a Barbie doll.”

“Great.” I sighed. “Looks like we saved the best demon for last.”

We continued on as dusk turned into night, and we had to ignite the spotlight mounted on the boat. The high-powered beam cut through the Louisiana night and illuminated the trees and water around us. Every now and again, we’d see a small set of reflective eyes drift past our position, but none of them were Baal’s. Now that it was night, the sounds of the swamp were intensified, and the entire environment felt much more sinister.

Then, we finally got a bite. The scale started to shimmer a dark green glow. It started off dull but became more vibrant as we kept heading north.

“This is it, guys,” I warned the crew. “Baal, the last of the Seventy-Two Servants, is coming up. We kill him, and Azazel’s influence on Earth is reduced to nothing.”

“Should I wake up Slothy?” Todd asked as he leaned down over the side of the boat.

The imp scooped up a handful of swampy water and ran over to the sleeping succubus. He pulled back as if he were going to throw it, but then his hand was caught by Libidine.

“You really, really don’t want to do that,” she muttered. “The last time somebody woke Tris up from a nap, she blew their arm off with Hellfire. I don’t think you want that, do you?”

Todd released the water onto the floor of the boat and shook his head. “I can’t lose my right arm, bro,” he exclaimed. “I use that for everything. And I mean everything.”

“Then it’s best not to wake--”

“I wouldn’t be able to play video games and eat a burrito at the same time,” Todd continued. “I’d have to peck at my keyboard to type. I’d have to learn how to write with my left hand … I’m in the middle of writing a new album! Do you know how hard it is to write lyrics that change the world with your left hand?”

“Then how about we just don’t--” I started, but Todd cut me off.

“Most importantly, I’d have to let go of my schlong to change the video when I’m jerkin’ the gherkin,” he said with terror in his voice. “The horror, the horror … ”

“Speaking of horror,” Cupi interrupted, trying to get us back on subject, “we’re really close to our target. Look at how bright that thing is shining.”

The blonde succubus was right. The scale that was acting as a lure was now going nuclear in my hand, and it was nearly blinding to look at.

We continued north for a few more minutes, and then we saw him.

Up on one of the banks of the swamp sat an incredibly large, reptilian creature. His back was facing us, and it looked like he was at least six times the size of any regular human. The creature was covered with slimy green scales, and his left hand rested against a nearby tree to reveal his webbed digits. We may not have been able to see his front, but I could tell by his head motions that he must have been eating.

The creature’s body went rigid, and then Baal whipped his head around to see who was intruding on his domain. His large, amphibious eyes reflected in our spotlight, and we could now see a dead buck dangled lifelessly from his mouth. The monster had sharp, pointed teeth that sunk into the flesh of the buck, but most of his facial features were more rounded and bulging. Baal spat out the mangled corpse of the deer, made a loud hissing sound, and then darted off into the forest.

“Oh no, you don’t!” I yelled and launched a blast of red Hellfire at the shoreline. “Light him up!”

Cupi, Liby, and Todd all joined in on the assault and heaved spells at the fleeing creature as he dashed along the line of trees. Despite our best efforts, and to the detriment of the plant life we blew away, he vanished from view.

“Well shit,” I growled. “We need to get up on shore and follow--”

My words were cut off by an extremely loud “plopping” sound, as if an ungodly large creature had just entered the water. My heart sank into my stomach, and I fumbled to turn off the spotlight. I killed the engine on the boat, and turned toward Todd.

“Hide that scale!” I demanded. “If Baal can see us from underwater, we’re sitting ducks!”

Todd snatched the glowing scale off the floor of the boat and shoved it into our duffel bag. Then the four of us all waited in tense silence.

As we surveyed our surroundings, the sounds of the swamp had now gone from soothing background ambience to a deafening, panicked ringing in my ears. Every tiny splash or sound of sloshing water made us whip around, spells at the ready … but nothing came.

Then, before any of us could react, there was a loud crash, and our entire boat was tossed into the air. Todd’s shrill scream of terror echoed through the swampy landscape as the five of us hit the peak of our ascension. Cupi and Liby both sprouted their wings and caught themselves, and then the blonde succubus zipped over and grabbed our falling duffel bag. Unfortunately for us, I didn’t have wings, so I had to toss down a platform of purple Hellfire to keep Todd, Tris, and me from falling back down into Baal’s jaws. Tris finally began to stir from her deep sleep, and she mumbled profanities under her breath.

Through the translucent shimmer of the violet barrier beneath me, I could see our boat being torn to pieces by the massive creature. Baal ripped the metal airboat in half with his large webbed hands, and then he tore the fan off the back with his teeth. In one swift motion, he launched the debris upward toward our position.

“Hang on, everyone!” I commanded and increased the intensity of my protective spell.

The violet Hellfire shield nearly doubled in size as I pumped more protective magic into it. The pieces of the destroyed boat crashed into the wall of flames violently, and the impact was enough to knock the three of us a foot or so into the air. Despite the kickback, I was able to hold my spell and keep us from falling to certain doom.

“Jaaaacoooobb Rallstooonnn,” Baal snarled. “I knneeewww you’d come for meeee eventually. Welcome to my dommmaiin.”

As the creature spoke, his voice came out in a low-pitched mix between a guttural growl and a snake-like hiss. His bulging eyes kept darting back and forth between the succubi and me cautiously, and he looked like he was treading water beneath the surface.

“You’re goin’ down, frog-pussy!” Todd exclaimed from behind our shield.

“Fooolish imp,” Baal hissed, “I wiiill--”

Before the demon could finish his sentence, glowing yellow spears from Libidine struck him in the shoulder and turned him into a living pincushion. Baal shrieked in pain, and then the sound was cut off by a blast of Cupi’s red Hellfire striking him in the face. Baal’s head whipped backward as his scaly flesh was charred by the attack, but he came out of the blast mostly unscathed. His bulging eyes darted over to the succubus, and then he let out a primal roar as he spat some sort of green slime into the air.

Cupi cast a quick spell of blue Hellfire at the projectile to freeze the spit in its tracks. There was the sound of sizzling as the two enchanted attacks tangled in the air, but then Baal’s spray of doom quickly evaporated. Without missing a beat, Cupi swooped down and struck the beast across the face with the blunt end of her polearm. At the same time, Libidine hit him again with another handful of yellow spears. There was a sickening crack as something broke in the beast’s jaw from the impact and a spray of ichor as Libi’s spears impaled him.

Baal roared as he fell backward into the dark water and disappeared beneath its depths.

“Did they ice him?” Todd asked hopefully.

Meanwhile, Tris was still stirring. She was awake, but she was completely silent and looked like she wanted to murder somebody.

“I don’t think so, bro,” I explained to the imp. “He has nine lives, remember? We still gotta do this eight more times.”

“Who the fuck woke me up?” Tris growled as she sat up. “I was sleeping like a rock, dude. Whoever did it is gonna have Hell to pay.”

Before I could answer, Baal propelled himself out of the water like a rocket directly below us. I tossed down a portal of green Hellfire, and the demon passed through helplessly. I cast the exit portal over to my left, and Baal’s momentum caused him to shoot out into the night sky.

“That’d be him, Slothy.” Todd pointed to the reptilian creature who was now flailing his arms about twenty feet above us.

“That son of a bitch … ” the brunette succubus mumbled as she reached down into the waistband of her pants with both her hands.

“Uh, Tris?” I asked coyly as she fumbled around. “Is this really the best time for that?”

The succubus pulled her hands out of the garment and revealed her two enchanted pistols with a growl. “Now is the perfect time to pop a cap in this bitch. What the hell did you think I was doing?”

“Nothing.” I sighed with relief.

Tris held her pistols up in front of her and took aim at Baal just as he hit the apex of his leap. When the creature began to fall back down to Earth, the succubus followed him with the barrels of her guns. When Baal was only inches above us, she began to squeeze off deadly rounds at near point-blank range.

The enchanted bullets tore through Baal’s scaly skin as if it were made of gorey paper, and blackish-red blood sprayed into the air behind him in tiny bursts of crimson rain. Baal went limp and then smashed back down into the depths of the water.

“There,” Tris said as she stifled a yawn with her pistol still in hand. “Now, I can get some more shut eye.”

The succubus shoved her guns back into what I assumed were the thigh-holsters underneath her pants, and then she stretched. Tris yawned, and then laid back down onto the purple barrier and closed her eyes.

“Seriously?” I asked with annoyance. “That was only two times!”

“Awwww.” Tris sighed as she pulled herself back to her feet. “There’s still more to do?”

“Look at it this way,” I explained. “The sooner we kill this guy, the sooner we can be back in Phoenix, relaxing on the couch, smoking some doobies and watching TV.”

“Fiiiinneee,” Tristitia groaned with a roll of her eyes. “If we hurry up, maybe I can still catch the tail end of that sci-fi marathon they’re running on channel fifty-eight.”

“Have I ever told you she’s my favorite, Jakey?” Todd giggled.

“You’ve said that about all of the girls so far,” I reminded the imp.

“They’re all awesome.” Todd shrugged.

“Incoming!” Libidine cried from above.

I twisted around on the platform to see a massive cypress tree hurling through the air in our direction. Instinctively, I blasted the oversized log with a cast of Divine light and sent it splintering harmlessly in a million different directions.

There was the sound of another tree being snapped at its roots, and then a second cypress came flying at us through the darkness. This time, I was prepared. I reached down into my very core and thought about all of the things about this situation that made me disgusted. We were out in the middle of a filthy swamp, in the middle of the night, fighting one of Azazel’s disgusting goons. Baal was the only thing standing between us and total freedom from the King of the Fourth Circle, and I sure as fuck wasn’t going to let him defeat us.

There was a twinge of a throb as I tossed up my hand and cast a spell of emerald Hellfire around the tree. The cypress’ momentum halted as if it had hit a wall, and it hung there in midair, suspended only by my magic.

“Cupi, Liby!” I commanded my friends. “Can you go down there and draw Baal back out this way?”

“On it!” Cupi confirmed, and then the two succubi took off into the darkness.

As their bodies disappeared into the night, I could still make out the glow of the purple Hellfire that surrounded their wings. It was distant, but it still gave me a rough idea of where they were positioned. I saw the violet lights dart back and forth, strafing their target, and then I heard Baal’s mighty roar, followed by an inhuman mixture of a hiss and a gurgle.

“Three!” Libidine’s voice cried out from somewhere in the distance.

“So much for drawing him out.” Todd sighed.

“What are you talking about?” I asked with a sly grin. “We’ve still got six more chances to make it happen.”

Before Todd could answer, Tris abruptly pointed her pistols down into the water and began to fire off round after round into the depths. “He’s coming this way,” she growled, “and he’s moving really, really fast.”

“Good,” I mused. “Then he’s not gonna know what hit him.”

Baal’s mammoth frame breached the surface of the water and leapt in our direction.

Todd and Tris both screamed in terror, but I was ready for this asshole. As soon as Baal was airborne, I used my emerald flames to swing the cypress tree like a makeshift bat directly at the demon’s skull. The massive trunk of the tree smacked the fucker in the face, and there was a wet popping noise as his neck was dislodged from his spinal cord. Baal feel down into the water once more.

“Four!” I called out to all of my friends.

“Yah know what, Jakey?” Todd mused. “I think I may know how to speed up this process. Yo, Cupiiiii!”

The blonde succubus zipped over to our position and landed atop the shimmering violet platform. She looked at me up and down and smiled devilishly.

“You know,” the blonde succubus said as she bit her lip, “I’ve always thought those things made you look a million times sexier.”

I reached up and touched my temples, and I realized my blue horns were now jutting out from my head. “Strange. I didn’t even feel them this time.”

“That’s because you’re getting stronger and stronger, my love,” Cupi explained as she winked and put her hand on my chest.

“Enough with the puppy love bullshit!” Todd interrupted our moment. “Ya got the duffel bag?”

Cupi pulled the bag off her shoulder, and the imp didn’t even wait until it was on the ground before he dug in. Todd ruffled through the contents of the bag until he finally pulled out a belt full of small circular objects.

“Holy fuck!” I gasped. “You put Raphael’s Divine grenades in the duffel bag and didn’t even tell us?”

“I thought we’d need them.” Todd shrugged. “Who’s laughing now?”

“None of us, if they’d gone off in the car!” I shot back. “We tossed that thing around like it was a ragdoll, Todd.”

“Sheesh, Jakey,” Todd scoffed. “Live life on the edge once and awhile.”

The imp began to whistle what sounded like a ragtime tune as he fiddled with the pins on the grenades. Down below, the water started to bubble again.

“Hurry up, bro,” I said as I pointed downward. “Baal’s on his way.”

Todd finally pulled the pin on one of the small cylinders and then held it out over the edge of the glowing purple platform. “Geronimo!” he cackled as he released the deadly weapon.

The grenade plummeted toward the water and met Baal right as he breached. There was a blinding light, followed by the small rumble of a shockwave as the demon’s head exploded like a blood-filled balloon.

“Five,” Todd said as he looked back with a devilish grin. “About to be six, seven, and eight!”

The imp pulled the pin on two more grenades and hurled them into the water below. They exploded somewhere underneath the surface, and then one of Baal’s severed limbs was thrown out into the air.

Todd grabbed another one, and then pulled it back behind his head. “Haaaalllelujah!” He giggled and tossed it down on Baal.

This time though, the demon was more prepared for the attack. He propelled himself out of the water at an angle and away from the Divine grenade.

Of course, we were still one step ahead of the fucker.

I threw down a portal of green Hellfire, and Todd’s grenade passed through. I reopened the interdimensional spell right above Baal, and the demon’s bulging eyes somehow grew wider as his upper half jutted into the glowing emerald inferno. There was a muted bang, and then Baal’s bloody remains slipped underneath the surface.

“Seven,” I sighed, “but I doubt he’s going to make himself a sitting duck again. Light up the spot where he just fell!”

Tris unleashed a hailstorm of bullets into the water while Liby, Cupi, and I threw everything but the kitchen sink at the demon. At the same time, Todd tossed grenade after grenade into the swampy depths below.

The dark swamp was illuminated by a mixture of Divine light, Hellfire, and muzzle flares, and I was sure we’d killed the demon again.

I was wrong.

As Todd reared back like a baseball pitcher to throw another grenade, there was a massive impact against the rear side of our violet platform. The blow caused all five of us to stumble forward, and Todd lost his grip on the grenade.

“Oh fuck!” he screamed as the deadly sphere hovered in the air in front of him.

Everything seemed to go into slow motion. There was a small flash of blinding light, and I instantly threw out my hands to create a new shield around the tiny Divine explosion that was feet away from Todd’s face. The shockwave of the grenade reverberated all throughout my body, and I was flung backward through the air.

The world spun around me as I tumbled helplessly through the bayou sky, and I finally landed with a violent smack against the branches of one of the cypress trees. My entire body felt like it had been hit by a freight train, but I was alive and well. I tried to reorient myself, and I saw that the large limbs of the tree had kept me from falling into the swampy water below.

Todd, on the other hand, wasn’t so lucky.

“Br-- Bro!” I heard him exclaim as he splashed around somewhere in the darkness. “I can already feel the swamp ass getting in!”

Cupi, Liby, and Tris were dive bombing Baal far off in the distance. They could handle themselves for now. I needed to focus on finding Todd. I tried to squint through the night, but I couldn’t see anything more than a few feet away from my face. Below, I heard a few low, hog-like grunts.

Fucking gators. I needed to get to Todd, and quick. He probably looked like a quick snack to these animals, and one that wouldn’t put up much of a fight.

I summoned Divine light into my hand. “Todd!” I commanded. “Try to flail so I can see you.”

I blasted a small beam of blinding light out into the night, and it illuminated the swamp like a high-powered lantern. About one-hundred feet away, in the water, was the imp who struggled to stay afloat in the murky depths. The light also illuminated three distinct, triangular shapes swimming toward Todd. Those would be the prehistoric predators looking to snatch him up in a single bite.

I immediately cast a large, rectangular bridge of purple Hellfire between Todd and me, and then I hopped to my feet and began to dash toward my distressed friend. As I ran, I continued to fire off small flashes of white light to try and get a handle on where the gators were. They were fast approaching their target, and my heart dropped into my stomach when I realized that I wasn’t going to be fast enough.

It was time to improvise.

I halted in my tracks, shot out another massive blast of Divine light, and then used my free hand to cast a spell of jade Hellfire in Todd’s general direction. I felt a slight weight resist against my spell, so I moved my hand upward. As I did so, Todd’s glowing green body rose up out of the swampy water, followed almost immediately by a hopping alligator.

The gator’s jaws snapped shut just short of the imp’s feet, and Todd let out a squeal of terror in response. As the alligator fell back underneath the surface of the water, I moved Todd over to the safety of the glowing platform.

The night air was again filled with the gurgling scream of Baal.

“Eight!” Tris’ voice echoed across the bayou.

“Thanks, bro,” Todd gasped when he finally landed on the platform. “I knew there was a reason I kept you around. I’ll have to find a way to pay you back somehow. That is, if the swamp ass doesn’t get to me first.”

“You’ll be fine, Todd,” I assured him with a chuckle.

The imp was still sopping wet, and he reeked of the musty water. Without warning, Todd bent down and then shook himself like a dog.

“Todd, no--” I tried to protest, but was instantly cut off by a drop of water that landed in my mouth. I gagged on the musty, earthy taste of the liquid as I tried to hold in my vomit. “Seriously, bro?”

Before either of us could say another word, a volley of yellow daggers shot past us.

“He’s trying to flee!” Libidine exclaimed as she zipped past Todd and me.

I felt Cupi’s arms wrap around the back of my torso, and her fit, slender body was suddenly pressed up against my back. The next thing I knew, I was soaring through the air on the wings of a fallen angel.

Down below, I could just see Baal’s bulky figure swimming like a madman through the water. Liby and Tris were firing down onto him, but he was far too agile for them to land a hit.

“God Bomb?” Todd asked from his koala-like position on the back of Tris’ body.

“Todd’s got a point,” Cupi explained. “Hard to miss your target when you take out everything within a twelve-hundred feet radius.”

“That’s fine and dandy,” I argued, “but how will we know if he’s down for the count or not?”

“With this thing, bro!” Todd pulled out the glowing scale from somewhere on his person. “Catch.”

Without much warning, the imp released the scale, and it shot backward through the air. I snatched the piece of skin out of the sky as it zipped past and held onto it with a death grip.

“When that thing stops glowing, that means Baal’s life force is gone,” Cupi explained. “Now, going up?”

The blonde succubus turned so she was flying upward at an angle. The two of us rose high above all of the cyprus trees, high above the massive swamp, until it was hundreds of feet below us. Once we reached our peak, I began to summon up all of the energy I could muster.

I felt the power of the Divine course through my veins as I channelled all of my abilities at once into my hands. My horns were throbbing on my head, and blue light from the glowing appendages trickled down to intermingle with the white radiance of my hands.

That was certainly new.

I brought all of my energy into my arms, clapped my hands together, and unleashed a brilliant beam of bluish-white light down onto the swamp below. The darkness of the Louisiana night was instantly replaced by a blinding flash of raw energy, and I held the attack for a solid minute to build up more power.

Finally, I released my blast, and my whole body went limp after the tremendous release of raw magic. Thank God Cupi was already holding me, because I felt like all of the energy in my body had drained out. I was breathing heavily, and I wanted nothing more than to just collapse right then and there, but Cupi wasn’t going to let me go anywhere.

“Jacob,” she said happily, “look!”

I glanced down at the small scale in the succubus’ hand and saw that it was no longer glowing.

Baal was dead, once and for all.

“Whew,” I sighed, and then I began to laugh triumphantly. “It’s over then, right? That was the last of the Seventy-Two Servants.”

“It’s over!” Cupiditas exclaimed with a squeal. “We did it, Jacob. All of Azazel’s minions are dead.”

Chapter 3

“I can’t believe it’s finally over,” Libidine mused a day and a half later as Shadow roared down the highway. “The Seventy-Two Servants are defeated.”

“Neither can I,” I said with a big smile. “It’s been nearly two years of intense, back-breaking work, but we did it. Azazel’s minions are back in Hell where they belong, and they sure as fuck aren’t coming back on our watch.”

“And if they do,” Todd boasted from the passenger seat as he smoked a think blunt, “we’ll give ‘em the ol’ one-two and beat their asses again. Nobody gets past The Toddster and Jakey, featuring the Circle of Sin.”

“Are we starting a band?” I asked curiously. “Because that totally sounds like a band name.”

The imp took another drag off his joint and shook his head. “No way, bro,” he clarified. “It’s our superhero team name. Like the Justice League or some shit like that.”

“Yeah, but ‘Justice League’ sounds badass,” I retorted. “‘The Toddster and Jakey featuring the Circle of Sin’ sounds like it’s an opening act for an even lamer but slightly more famous act.”

“It’s the only name I came up with that I thought you’d like,” the imp said with a frown.

“What other ones did you think of?” Tris finally spoke up from the back of the Jeep. “I really want to hear them. Stoned Todd is smart Todd.”

“I’m not sure if I should take offense to that or not…” Todd pondered aloud.

“Come on, Todd,” Tris poked at the imp playfully. “You’re the one who taught me that saying. How’d it go again?”

“Baked is waked,” Todd answered without missing a beat.

“Waked?” I asked. “We’re making up words now?”

“Waked, bro,” Todd sighed. “Like, past tense of ‘woke.’ All the cool kids are saying it nowadays.”

“But it’s true,” Tris interjected. “Being high as a seven-oh-seven opens your mind to all sorts of possibilities you wouldn’t get as your plain ol’ regular self.”

“Like coming up with crazy-yet-badass superhero team names,” Todd finished the succubus’ thought.

“Okay, now I’m intrigued,” Cupi admitted as she sat forward and crossed her arms over the middle of the front seat. “I want to hear these names.”

“Now, keep in mind, they are a work in progress,” Todd warned.

“Noted.” Cupi dispelled his fears with a nod. “Let’s hear them.”

Todd stood up on the seat and gestured with his hands as if he were presenting a marquee sign. “The Ballbusters,” he said with a little too much pride in his voice.

There was a moment of silence as the rest of us looked around at each other and let the imp’s words sink in. Then, we all burst out in laughter.

“I told you it was a work in progress,” Todd said with a shrug. “Here, I’ve got another one. How’s this sound? Todd’s Teammates.”

“Oh, so you get to have your name in the official title?” I busted the imp’s balls with my words.

“Alliteration ain’t easy, Jakey!” Todd shot back with an accusing finger. “What would we do if it were anyone else? ‘Jakey’s Jerks?’ ‘Cupi’s Catfish?’ ‘Tris’ Tadpoles?”

“Why not ‘Jacob’s Jewels?’” Libidine suggested.

“That sounds like we’re talkin’ about his balls,” the imp sighed, “and I already hear enough of that shit between all you girls. In fact, my stomach’s getting all queasy just thinking about it.”

“Jacob’s Judgement?” Cupi added.

“That … okay, I’ll admit, that’s pretty badass,” Todd mused as he took another puff. “If we go that route, you gotta promise me you’ll shout, ‘I am the law,’ any time we’re about to start fucking people up. Stallone would be proud.”

“Why can’t we just remain the Circle of Sin?” Tris asked. “We’ve had that name for centuries, why would we take the time and effort to change it now?”

“It’s a great name,” I admitted. “The only problem is that it doesn’t really apply to Todd or me. Our names aren’t based off any of the sins. Besides, I think all seven are taken.”

“Actually, bro, the Vatican announced a few years ago that there are now another seven deadly sins,” the imp explained. “One of them is ‘excessive drug use,’ and that sounds like the Toddster all over the place. What’s the Latin word for drugs, Mr. Translator?”

“Medicamenta utiliter,” I answered.

“Medacanomicon bandoleer?” the imp asked curiously. “How the fuck am I gonna remember that one? I can barely remember to brush my teeth in the morning. I’ve got one back there in the back who’s hanging on for dear life. All it’s gonna take is a day or two of forgetting, and he’s gonna succumb to gingivitis.”

“Gingivitis really isn’t that bad, I--” I started, but then my words were cut off by the concerned imp.

“I can’t lose my teeth again, bro!” he exclaimed. “How will I live without my wisdom teeth, bro?”

“Lots of people do that, Todd,” I reassured the imp, but he was having none of it.

“Ignorant fucking people,” Todd scoffed. “You know that’s all a big government conspiracy, right?”

“Here comes the tinfoil,” Cupi said as she rolled her eyes.

“Now, now,” Tris shot back, “I wanna hear him out.”

“Thanks, Slothy,” Todd acknowledged the succubus’ support. “Everybody knows wisdom teeth are essential to your neurological development.”

“They really aren’t,” I muttered under my breath, but I let him continue.

“Well, once the government feels like somebody’s getting a little too much to handle, maybe for their political beliefs, maybe for the amount of followers they’re gaining on social media … hell, even if they think somebody’s property is becoming too unwieldy for their city. Anyways, that’s when they pay off your dentist to tell you that your wisdom teeth ‘need to come out.’ It gives them a sample of your DNA for their collection on top of putting you through a week of bullshit pain just to put you back in your place. My dentist told me these babies needed to come out years ago, but I told him to go fuck himself and that The Man wasn’t gonna hold me down.”

“Don’t they hurt?” I questioned the imp. “You’ve basically had impacted wisdom teeth for a decade now.”

“Pain is all in your head, bro,” Todd chuckled. “Sure, there’s a dull throbbing every now and again, and sure, the gums are always so swollen I can’t use them to chew, but I see that as just a subtle ‘fuck you’ to everyone who’s listening in on this conversation right now!”

“Todd, you really need to see a dentist about that,” I pleaded with the imp.

He simply waved my words again with the swipe of his hand and took another drag on his blunt. “Nah, bro,” he scoffed. “I fucking hate dentists. Getting all up in my gums and sensitive teeth with one of those little drill thingies? No bueno. I’m not afraid of much--”

“You’re afraid of spiders,” I reminisced. “That was clear when the spider-demon attacked us.”

“Okay, so I’m afraid of spiders,” Todd admitted. “But--”

“And Mormons,” Liby added.

“Well, yeah, but I--”

“And clowns,” I reminded the imp. “You wanted to sleep in our room after watching IT.”

“That movie would scare anyone, bro!” Todd protested.

“You’re also afraid of hidden ducks,” Tris interjected.

Todd spun around in the seat and pointed back at the succubus. “I told you that in confidence, Slothy!” Then he sighed. “And I’m not afraid of ducks. I’m afraid that somewhere, somehow, there is a duck or a goose that’s watching, waiting for its moment to strike. It’s called anatidaephobia, and it’s totally a real thing.”

“Wait … ” I smiled as a realization slowly dawned on me. “Is that why you wanted to come out to the southwest when we graduated High School? You wanted to go somewhere where there were no geese and ducks?”

“That was definitely a factor, bro,” the imp admitted. “We got quails and roadrunners and hummingbirds out there, but the number of ducks and geese I’ve seen since we moved has been refreshing.”

“Sheesh,” I laughed out loud. “We’ve known each other for nearly twenty-five years, and I’m still learning new stuff about you every day.”

The Toddster turned back around and leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head. “That’s because I’m full of secrets, Jakey,” he explained. “I like to keep myself nice and mysterious, it drives the ladies wild.”

“I wouldn’t call standing on top of Mardsten University’s dorms and shouting ‘Big Brother is watching you’ mysterious, bro,” I shot back. “In fact, that’s like, the opposite of mysterious.”

“You literally just laid out your entire list of darkest fears in front of us,” Cupi said with a smile. “You can’t get much more transparent than that.”

“Oh, I was just fucking with you about the duck thing,” Todd chuckled awkwardly. “You know me! Always making up stories and--”

“Hey, is that a duck on the side of the road?” Tris asked aloud.

Todd’s eyes widened before he looked around frantically and leapt down into the footrest of the vehicle. Once he was on the ground, the imp curled up into a ball tightly and went invisible.

“I’m just fucking with you, bro,” Tris said in her best Todd impression, and then she began to laugh hysterically.

Without warning, Todd’s body floated up into the ceiling of the Jeep. He was still completely invisible, but the outline of his frame was illuminated by a deep black glow I recognized immediately.

The black Hellfire of Fear.

“That was not funny!” he half-laughed, half-cried. “I totally feared for my life right there. You ever fought with a goose before, Slothy? Because I did when I was six years old, and let me tell you, it ain’t a walk in the park!”

“Todd, you’re glowing!” Libidine gasped.

“You’re glowing with fear magic,” Cupi added.

“Say what now?” The imp’s demeanor returned to its normal state. “Oh, yeah, I guess I am. Wait--holy shit, I can fly!”

“More importantly, you can use powers that are normally beyond an imp’s capabilities,” Cupi pondered aloud. “Fear magic is the most dangerous kind, and only a few of the Demonic’s greatest warriors can harness it. How did this happen?”

“I dunno, Cupi,” Todd cackled as he began to make tiny laps around the ceiling of Shadow. “All I know is that this is cool as shit. Look, up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s the Toddster!”

Todd started to hum a superhero theme as he continued to circle around our heads, but I was now focused on the issue at hand.

“If Todd can tap into other types of Hellfire magic, I wonder what we can do,” I asked the succubi in the back.

“Let’s find out,” Liby said sternly. “We’re in a pretty isolated area. Pull over here, Jacob.”

The curvy succubus was right. We had been driving back from New Orleans for nearly two days, and we were now back in the western part of New Mexico, a part that was nearly desolate save for a bunch of plants, animals, and rock formations. I pulled Shadow over into the sand and killed the engine.

The succubi and I exited the vehicle, and I got a chilly reminder of just how cold it got at night out here in the desert. Suddenly, a blur of black light zipped past my head and ascended into the starry sky.

“Up, up, and awwwaaaaayyyyyyy!” Todd exclaimed as he flew up as high as he could possibly go.

“You know,” I shook my head, “for a ‘fear’ power, he’s having way too much fun with this.”

“I wonder if this means you can finally master your fear powers,” Liby said as she wrapped her arms around Cupi and me. “I know you both haven’t had the greatest experience with them.”

“You can say that again,” I agreed with a shudder.

I thought back to my one and only encounter with my black Hellfire powers. It was back during our first adventure, when Cupi and Liby had been trying to figure out what I was capable of. The blonde succubus had been hesitant to let me test my fear magic, and for good reason. When she had tried to use her own, she was trapped in Purgatory for days.

My black Hellfire didn’t exactly work as intended, either.

I remembered my body being engulfed by the fatal flames and being transported to a mirror universe in which everything was frozen in time and appeared to be distorted. And then the image of the horrific creatures I’d encountered flitted through my mind.

The “Shadow People,” as the Divine and the Demonic called them, had a human-like figure that was stretched out so they stood eight feet tall. The creatures had no facial features nor dimension to their bodies save for two eyes that glowed a deep red. Their arms and legs were disproportionate to their bodies, which gave them the appearance of a tall, lanky scarecrow.

Just thinking about those things made my skin crawl.

“I think I’m gonna hold off on that one,” I answered. “At least for now.”

“I second that,” Cupi agreed. “The last thing we need right now is for one of us to get lost in another dimension. We’re not all lucky enough to have fear magic that grants us the power of flight.”

“Then maybe let’s try something more simple,” Libidine suggested. “Hatred is a simple one. Think of something you hate with a burning passion, like demons or evil humans or whatever is going to get you all riled up.”

That wasn’t hard at all. Azazel’s ugly mug popped into my head immediately, and I felt a pit of white-hot rage simmer at my very core. At the same time, a few sparks of yellow Hellfire danced in my right hand.

“Aha!” Liby giggled as she bounced up and down. “You can use my powers!”

I closed my eyes and tried to focus more clearly on Azazel and Beelzebub and all the other demon fuckers we’d come across in the last two years. As the memories of our enemies flashed through my mind, my hand began to tingle as if it were on pins and needles. When I opened my eyes, it was glowing a vibrant yellow.

I was using the hatred magic that was Libidine’s specialty.

Without wasting another moment, I turned toward a small cactus in the distance, pulled back my hand as if I were going to throw a baseball, and then brought it forward. When my glowing fist was at the top of my throwing motion, a handful of yellow projectiles sprang forth and shot across the desert sky.

Liby’s hatred spell always produced a sort of tiny enchanted spear that was cylindrical and came to a point at the end. However, my own brand of yellow Hellfire created a different kind of attack. My enchanted projectiles were small, circular disks that were sharpened on all sides and kinda reminded me of the shuriken ninjas were known for.

The swarm of tiny disks struck the cactus, cut through its spiny flesh with no resistance, and then fell harmlessly to the ground with a small cloud of dust. The cactus looked normal for a second or two, but then it slowly fell apart into pieces where it had been diced up by my spell. Chunks of cactus plopped onto the ground, and I stood back and admired my work.

“You know,” I joked, “for being the Hellfire of hatred, that spell felt really, reeallly good to use.”

“I’m actually surprised yours came out differently,” Cupi mused. “Any succubus or grunt soldier of the Demonic normally produces spears. I’ve seen throwing stars only once before, and that was by one of the Demon Lords.”

“I guess I’m just full of surprises,” I said with a shrug. “What the hell do you think is going on? Todd’s using fear powers, I’m using hatred powers, and I’m almost certain you guys could use each other’s powers if you wanted to, too.”

“That’s a hard pass from me,” Tris refused. “It was hard enough to learn all that necromancy shit, and the only reason I did that was so I could have somebody else do my dirty work for me. Why would I want to take all this time or, more importantly, effort, to learn a new skill?”

“Necromancy … ” Libidine pondered aloud as she surveyed the landscape.

The curvy succubus finally pointed over to the carcass of a roadrunner who hadn’t been lucky enough to cross the road safely. She closed her eyes, stuck out her hand toward the dead bird, and began to make a low-pitched humming noise with her mouth.

There was a quick flash of orange flame as the bird’s body started to twitch with life. It rolled over, hoisted itself up to its feet, and then looked around frantically.

“I brought him back, Jacob!” Liby exclaimed with wide eyes. “I know how to use necromancy powers now!”

“Great.” Tris sighed. “Now I’m gonna have to find a new schtick. The last thing I wanted to do this week was learn something new.”

“Not exactly,” Libidine reassured the brunette succubus. “That was a single, basic case of a dead animal. I’d have no idea how to resurrect something that’s been dead for hundreds of years or how to summon an army of zombie creatures or anything like that.”

Tris nodded her head and slapped Liby on the back. “It’s good to feel needed,” she giggled through a slightly-baked state.

“Why are we all suddenly learning new powers?” I asked the ladies. “This wasn’t even on the table yesterday, and now we’re all stealing each other’s specialty spells?”

“There’s only one way to find out, bro,” Todd’s voice suggested from above and nearly made me jump out of my skin.

“Bro!” I protested as I looked up at the floating outline of black Hellfire. “We’ve talked about this. Sneaking up on your friends while you’re invisible is no bueno. Especially now that you have the power to approach us at all angles.”

“That’s what she said,” the imp giggled. “But in all seriousness, there’s only one thing that’ll solve this mystery. A studying montage!”

“A what?” Libidine asked curiously.

“A studying montage,” Todd reiterated. “You know, when a character in a movie has a big test coming up that he can’t miss, so it shows a bunch of different clips of him studying, usually set to whatever pop song is a hit at the time. We need one of those.”

“I agree.” I nodded and turned back to our Jeep. “We need to get back to the mansion and talk to the cultists to figure out what is going on.”

The five of us piled back into Shadow’s cabin, and then I twisted the key and brought the vehicle to life. I kicked the Jeep Wrangler into gear and headed off toward Phoenix. Thankfully, we only had a few hours left in our journey, and it shot by faster than the speed of light.

Cupi and Liby slept the rest of the way home. The fit blonde was snuggled up into Libidine’s warm, inviting chest, and they were both snoring softly like adorable puppies.

Meanwhile, Todd and Tris both passed around a blunt and came up with a bunch of wild theories as to why we suddenly could use each other’s powers. The imp was afraid we’d fucked up the natural order of the universe by killing an Archangel, and the Exalted One was punishing us by making our powers a clusterfuck. Tris, on the other hand, feared that all the times we “made the connection” as a group led to our DNA being intermingled together. Todd shot back almost instantly with another zany idea, the theory that we had somehow encountered a dimension-hopping creature, and by killing him, we created a tear in the space-time continuum and our different timelines were merging.

“You watch too much Cosmos,” I chuckled as we turned into the driveway of our mansion in Phoenix. “I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for what’s going on.”

“Yeah,” Todd argued as he slipped out of the still-running vehicle, “the explanation is we fucked the timeline, bro. For all I know, my schlong could shrink three sizes thanks to this fuckery. Of course, that would still make it bigger than it was before…”

I ignored the imp’s words as I killed the engine of the Jeep, woke up the succubi, and then got out onto the warm sidewalk. It was now mid-morning, and the Arizona sun was beating down in full force. Even though we made it to the door of our home with lightning-fast speed, I still felt like my shoes were melting onto the pavement with each step. Todd let out a tiny yelp of pain as his hooves dashed across the sidewalk, and that all but confirmed how damn hot it was today. The five of us made it inside, and the girls instantly headed up to bed.

“I don’t know about you, Jacob,” Cupi sighed, “but I’m beat. I’m headed to bed.”

“Me too,” Liby admitted. “I seriously feel like I could crash right here on the stairs.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I reassured the succubi. “You guys go off to bed, and I’ll consult our librarian.”

“Hold up,” Todd interjected. “We have a librarian?”

“Ronaldo,” I explained. “He’s the cultist who spends most of the time in our basement, organizing and protecting the books of spells and cool artifacts we pick up along our adventures.”

“Ronaldo’s our librarian?” Todd gasped. “I totally thought he was just a plumber or some shit like that who needed to fix our pipes downstairs.”

“For over a year?” I shot back at the imp. “That’d be quite the project.”

Todd just shrugged. “Maybe it was a bad clog, bro,” he offered. “I know I’ve done some things to these toilets I’m not proud of. Usually after eating one of Gula’s scrumdiddliupmtious meals that’s packed with grease and carbs. I wouldn’t be surprised if it took a year to get that literal shit out of our plumbing.”

“First off, ew,” I joked. “Secondly … are you ready to hunker down and do some studying?”

“You know it, broseph,” Todd reiterated. “The Toddster will never reject a good montage scene, no matter what it takes.

“Are you sure?” I asked one last time. “I remember your study habits in college. And high school. And elementary.”

“What study habits?” Todd retorted coyly.

“Exactly,” I said with a twinge of worry in my voice. “You sure you’re up to it?”

Todd reached over and patted me on the leg with his tiny left hand. “Bro, this is the occult,” Todd reassured me. “If there’s one thing in my life I’ll actually put effort into learning, it’s this.”

“Excellent,” I said with a grin. “What about you, Tris?”

There was no answer.

“Tris?” I asked one last time.

Finally, I got a response in the form of buzzsaw-like snoring coming from the living area of the mansion. Somehow, the brunette succubus had snuck off into the main room and fallen asleep while Todd and I were talking.

“Alrighty then,” I laughed and turned to my little red friend. “Looks like it’s just the Dynamic Duo, then. Let’s go talk to Ronaldo.”

Todd stuck his finger into the air. “Quick Jakey, to the Todd cave!” he exclaimed as he took off running toward the basement stairs. “Duna-duna-duna-duna, duna-duna-duna-duna, Toddster!”

The imp disappeared around the corner, but I could still hear his voice belting out the theme song from across the house as I made my way to our archives. Our basement stairs were located all the way in the back of the mansion, in a small hallway connected to a backdoor I didn’t think we’d used even once the entire time we’d lived here. Despite the grandeur of the rest of our home, this was only a simple area with a yellow tile floor, a laundry nook, and the two doors that led to the backyard and the basement.

As I walked past the running washer and dryer, I could hear the clip-clop of Todd’s hooves as they descended the wooden stairs. I arrived at the threshold, descended the creaky steps, and found myself in the basement of Quinn mansion.

The basement was one of the few rooms in our house that we hadn’t renovated. It originally was meant to act as a wine cellar for the billionaire tech mogul, Robert Quinn, but we had slightly tweaked the design. There was still an entire wall packed to the brim with wine bottles that were from as far back as the eighteen hundreds, but many of the wine racks had now been converted into makeshift shelves. Hundreds of books and documents belonging to the Cult of Ralston laid in the built-in racks, interspersed with the occasional historical artifact or two.

“This has been down here the whole time?” Todd whistled as he marveled at a dagger that looked hundreds of years old. “And here I thought this was just a stupid wine cellar.”

“I specifically mentioned the archives when we had our big renovation meeting,” I reminded the imp. “Remember? All of the succubi and I got together and tried to figure out what we wanted to spend our money on?”

“Bro,” Todd said with a shake of his head. “Chances are I was high as Willie Nelson in the seventies. Or the nineties. Or the two-thousands. Point is, my mind was probably too baked to remember anything.”

“Well, here it is.” I motioned proudly to our surroundings. “The Cult of Ralston’s official archives.”

“It’s quite marvelous, isn’t it?” a voice asked curiously from the shadows.

Todd let out a squeal of surprise, and black Hellfire engulfed his body. The imp shot up to the top of the basement, and then there was a loud “bang” as his head collided with the wooden ceiling.

A man with dark, pointed features stepped into view. He had short, curly black hair and wore the same navy blue robe all of my cultists wore. Like the rest of the team, he wore a leather belt wrapped around his waist that held the cultists most important tools. However, instead of a dagger or a book of spells, he carried a notebook and a comically-large pen attached to the leather strap.

This was Ronaldo, our archivist.

“I haven’t been down here in a while, Ronaldo,” I mused. “I absolutely love what you’ve done with the place. It feels like we have our own miniature museum down here!”

“That’s the idea, mast--er, Jacob,” he explained. “I apologize. Azazel forced us to call him ‘master’ for centuries. It’s a hard habit to break.”

I walked over to the man and patted him on the shoulder happily. “It’s alright,” I promised. “At least you’re trying.”

“Ya know, you have a shit ton of cobwebs up here, Jakey,” Todd observed from the ceiling. “You might wanna get the dustbuster up here ASAP.”

The imp looked down, held out his fist in front of his body like a superhero, and floated back down to the carpeted ground of the basement. The black Hellfire subsided, and Todd let out a sigh of relief.

“As much fun as that is, I don’t know how the girls do it all the time,” he admitted. “I feel like I’m about to paint the floor with my breakfast almost every single time.”

“You’ll get used to it,” I chuckled. “Maybe there’s something in one of these books that can help you--”

“Magic flight sickness?” Ronaldo interjected. “That’s actually pretty common for demons who are just learning to fly. Just take some frog’s breath, mix it with your drink of choice, and it’ll calm your stomach right down.”

“Jakey,” Todd said somewhat sarcastically, “remind me to pick up frog’s breath the next time we’re at the grocery store.”

“I’ll have one of Oliver’s guys do it,” I promised and turned to Ronaldo. “Unfortunately, Todd’s flight sickness isn’t the reason we’re here.”

“Oh?” the dark-haired man asked excitedly. “To what do I owe the pleasure, then?”

“We all can suddenly use each other’s powers,” I explained. “It used to be that our magic was limited to matching whatever skill set each member of the group was best at, like Todd with his deception magic or Tris with her necromancy or Liby with her hatred spells. Now, Todd is using fear magic, and I can cast my own enchanted projectiles using hatred magic.”

The dark-haired man rubbed his chin curiously as he pondered my words.

“That is peculiar,” he admitted. “But it’s surely something the three of us can figure out together. Come! We should start with the Scrolls of Solomon. I have an edition that dates all the way back to the sixteen-hundreds that could be quite useful in this situation.”

“Ah, good ‘ol King Solomon,” Todd sighed. “He’s always good for a tidbit of information or two. Although I’m seriously starting to question how good of leader he really was. How the fuck do you figure out all this shit about the occult and rule an entire kingdom at the same time?”

“Very carefully,” I retorted. “It’s not that much different than what I’m doing here, juggling the cult and the strip club and Ira and Gulas’ professional careers at the same time.”

“All while staying a perfect bestie and a generous lover, to boot,” Todd added. “At least, I’m assuming that second one based on what the girls are always going on about.”

“Exactly.” I grinned. “I guess you could call me a modern-day Solomon.”

Todd and I followed Ronaldo over to a small wooden table. At its center sat a large, leatherbound, green book that had certainly seen better days. The book was resting on a pedestal, surrounded by plexiglass.

The archivist reached into his pocket, pulled out a pair of white rubber gloves, and then snapped them onto his hands. Ronaldo slowly opened the hinged plexiglass cover, picked up the text delicately, and then placed it down onto the table in front of us. Finally, he produced two more pairs of rubber gloves and offered them to us.

“I’m good, ‘Naldy,” Todd said with a wave of his hand. “I don’t think those are the right size, anyway.”

“When was the last time you washed your hands?” I asked, even though I really didn’t want to know the answer.

Todd raised his finger in the air, and his mouth fell open as if he wanted to say something. However, nothing came out.

“I, uh--” he tried to think of the last time he had been hygienic. “I honestly don’t remember, bro.”

“Exactly.” I said with a nod. “Wear the gloves, Todd.”

“Alright, alright,” he conceded. “No love without a glove. Got it.”

Todd and I put on the white nitrile gloves, and then we began to thumb through the compilation of the Scroll of Solomon. There was so much information in the text that it was almost overwhelming. Information about various spells and pentacles, first-hand encounters with lesser demons, and general rules for pleasing the Exalted One were littered throughout the book, and the three of us spent nearly an hour just going through it.

After another thirty minutes of looking, I leaned back in my chair and rubbed my eyes. “I’m finding nothing about power transfers,” I sighed. “I’m starting to think this one’s a dud.”

“Do you got anything about Hellfire magic, ‘Naldy?” Todd asked the archivist. “Maybe that’d be a good place to check next.”

“Of course,” Ronaldo said with a nod. “Azazel was the one who taught mankind how to tap into Demonic magic. We have plenty of material that covers Hellfire spells. Just give me a minute or two to find it all.”

The archivist dashed out of the room as Todd and I continued to look through the book in front of us.

“I feel like I’m cramming for an exam,” I grumbled. “I thought those days were long behind me.”

“That’s the trick, bro,” Todd giggled and placed his hands behind his head. “I never made it a habit of studying in the first place, so I’ve never had to go through the PTSD you’re going through.”

“I also don’t think you ever gotten a good grade on a test in your entire life,” I reminded the imp, but Todd wasn’t affected.

The imp shrugged. “Cs get degrees, bro,” he explained.

“But you didn’t even get a degree!” I couldn’t help but laugh at his argument. “You dropped out after two years, remember?”

“I can’t say I do,” Todd continued. “Those years were all a blur. I partied so hard in college I think I’d make Charlie Sheen ashamed, bro.”

Just then, we heard a pair of footsteps make their way down the stairs. I looked up to see both Cupiditas and Libidine approaching. Both of the succubi wore see-through nightgowns with skin-tight lingerie underneath. Their breasts bounced playfully as they bounded down the steps, and the sight made me completely forget what I was doing at the moment.

“How are things going down here, guys?” Cupi asked curiously. “Liby here wants to know when Jacob is coming to bed.”

Libidine crossed her arms over her chest and huffed like a scolded toddler. “I do not!” she protested. “I just said I wished I could cuddle up against his tight, ripped chest right about now.”

“Same thing,” Cupi scoffed. “Either way, I wanted to come down here and see if you’d found anything.”

“Not yet,” I sighed. “We went through the entire collection of Solomon’s Scrolls, and nothing. Ronaldo is grabbing us everything he’s got on Hellfire magic right now, so hopefully we can snag a lead there.”

As if right on cue, the archivist reappeared through the threshold of the other room carrying an armful of papers.

“Here you are, Jacob,” he said proudly as he plopped the ancient works down in front of us. “This collection has scrolls of ancient magic from over sixty-thousand years ago, a few writings from medieval scholars, and even a few of Azazel’s hand-written notes. Surely there will be something of value in here.”

“There better be,” Todd said in his best “gruff newspaper editor” voice. “Or yer fired, ‘Naldy!”

The archivist’s eyes grew wide as his face turned beet red. “I--surely there’s--” he muttered, but I raised a hand to cut him off.

“Todd’s just fucking with you,” I reassured the cultist. “You’ve done more than enough to earn your keep around here, Ronaldo. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if a promotion is on the horizon … ”

Ronaldo’s demeanor completely changed, and a wide grin spread up his face. “Really?” he asked. “As always, it’s an honor to serve you in any way possible. But if I could get a promotion? I’d be truly humbled, Jacob.”

“Let’s focus on the task at hand first,” I said as I tried to steer things back to our research. “Then we’ll talk.”

“Of course,” the archivist said excitedly. “If there’s anything I can do for you in the meantime, please let me know!”

“Will do,” I nodded, and the cultist sauntered off into the other room.

The succubi, Todd, and I all turned our attention back to the massive stack of papers that laid on the table.

“This feels familiar,” Cupi said with a smile. “Although, this is nothing compared to all the books we had to sift through at the Chapel of the Trinity.”

“Nowhere close,” I chuckled. “That was literally a small hill of text we went through back in that place.”

“Then this should be easy,” Libidine interjected. “In theory, we should be able to go through these documents in no time.”

“Yeah,” Todd said sarcastically,“and in theory having a massive schlong should have supermodels all up on my dick every single day. But that ain’t happenin’.”

“Don’t worry, Todd,” I tried to comfort the imp. “Surely there’s something in this pile here.”

The four of us spent the next two hours rifling through the papers, looking for anything that might explain why we could suddenly use other people’s powers. I glanced down at my phone and saw that it was fast approaching the wee hours of the morning. I was fucking tired, and I was about to give up then and there.

Until I heard Cupi’s voice let out a proud “aha!”

The three of us looked over and saw the blonde succubus holding a dirty old piece of parchment above her head victoriously.

“I think I’ve found something, guys!” she said proudly. “Listen to this, it comes directly from Azazel’ s own journal. ‘Upon this mortal land, my servants and I shall place a curse. All demonic beings who fall within the scope of my domain shalt not exceed their place on Lucifer’s Great Chain of Being, nor shall they grow more prosperous than I or my most trusted minions as long as the Seventy-Two shalt raise the Earth. Thus speaks Azazel, the King of the Fourth Circle and Father of Warfare.’”

“English, please,” Todd sighed. “It’s way too early for pig latin or whatever that shit is.”

“It’s English,” I explained. “It’s just older English.”

“So, does that mean what I think it does?” Liby asked curiously. “To me, it sounds like the existence of Azazel and the Seventy-Two Servants on Earth had something to do with our powers.”

“It had everything to do with our powers,” Cupi continued. “If I’m reading this right, the mere influence of the Seventy-Two Servants meant no demon who was ever affiliated with Azazel could become more powerful than he was.”

“So you’re saying Azazel had a spell that kept our levels of magic low?” I questioned. “Almost like a power cap of sorts?”

“Bro,” Todd elaborated. “He neutered our power levels like you’d neuter a horny hounddog. That explains so much … like why I felt I could never live up to my true potential. I knew the Toddster should be way, way stronger than this. I mean, look at me, bro. Do you really see this super-sweet bod and think ‘weakling?’”

For Todd’s sake, I wasn’t going to answer that.

I grinned. “So now that Azazel and the Seventy-Two Servants have been defeated and banished back to Hell, there’s no limit on our powers?”

Cupi’s violet eyes locked with my own, and the succubus gave me a bashful smile. “That’s what it’s sounding like to me,” she said happily. “Hell, now that our power cap is gone, literally everything is on the table. There’s all sorts of Hellfire magic out there we haven’t even touched upon yet, and it could be all ours! We need to start training immediately.”

I glanced down at my phone again and yawned instinctevely when I saw the time. “Let’s go to bed for now, guys,” I said to my friends. “Sleep first, and then we’ll see just how powerful we can become.”

Chapter 4

The succubi and I had passed out the second we hit the bed. I slept like a fucking baby snuggled up next to my women, but we had decided to wake up somewhat early the next day so I could practice my newfound powers.

Now, Cupi and I were standing in the backyard of our mansion, taking aim at a series of targets propped up against our fence.

I took in a deep breath as I extended my right hand toward my target. Thanks to nearly a year’s worth of practice, I was now a regular Wyatt Earp with my red Hellfire and Divine Light. Hell, I could probably hit a pebble dead-center from fifty feet away at this point, if I really wanted to.

But sadism-based Hellfire? That was a completely different beast entirely. I’d seen Ira summon turquoise Hellfire a million times, but this was the first time I had ever attempted to cast this sort of a spell.

“You look tense,” Cupiditas observed from behind me. “Here, let me help.”

The next thing I knew, I felt the blonde succubus’ tight body press up against my back, and then her slender fingers ran tenderly along my bicep. Cupi straightened out my arm as she rested her chin on my shoulder and let out a happy sigh.

“The trick is to think about something that brings you pleasure, but shouldn’t,” she whispered into my ear. “Something society shouldn’t know about. Something that would make them think you were a freak for enjoying.”

“You’re making that awful hard to do right now,” I chuckled. “My mind is definitely on much … happier thoughts at the moment.”

Cupi’s left hand slid down my side and then slipped over the erection that throbbed through my pants. “Those must be some very, very pleasant thoughts,” she purred. “Maybe when we’re done training we can do something about that?”

“Come on,” I joked, “how am I supposed to think of things that are taboo when your cupping my balls like that? Anyone would get a kick off to this.”

“Just adjusting the angle,” the succubus flirted back.

“Of my cock?” I retorted.

Cupi let out a sound of fake offense. “Why I never, Mr. Ralston!” she joked. “I’m talking about your elbow. Get your mind out of the gutter. Now, think about something you shouldn’t enjoy.”

“Honestly, Cupi,” I admitted with a smile, “I’m not sure I can. We just eradicated Azazel’s last bit of influence here on Earth. I live in a million-dollar mansion surrounded by six extremely beautiful, extremely talented women. Not to mention, my powers have grown so much I was able to kill a fucking Archangel. That’d make just about anyone ecstatic right about now.”

“Things are definitely looking up,” the blonde succubus explained as she wrapped her hands lovingly around my waist, “but our battle is far from over. Azazel still lives in his large castle in Hell, and the Circle of Sin is still missing its last sister.”

“Invidia,” I confirmed.

“That’s right,” Cupi continued. “Sister Invidia is currently locked away in a cage in the Fourth Circle like some common songbird. She is Azazel’s final sliver of power, and the only chance he has of getting back to Earth. Once she leaves his side, he’s finished.”

“As much as I’d love to save Invidia, Hell isn’t exactly on my bucket list of places to travel to,” I joked. “I’ve heard Cabo is nice this time of year.”

“My sister isn’t in Cabo.” The succubus sighed. “She’s in the Fourth Circle of Hell, and that’s where we’ll have to go if we truly want a final victory over my former master. That’s why we’re out here, trying to grow your power set.”

Cupiditas was right. As much as I didn’t want to think about it, a trip into the Lake of Fire was on our itinerary, and it was going to have to happen sooner rather than later … but, right now, we were training.

“So what exactly is my ceiling here?” I asked the blonde succubus. “Can I learn all the powers you guys have?”

“In time, yes,” Cupi explained, “but they’re going to manifest themselves one at a time. Defeating Baal and releasing the power cap spell means we can learn any sort of magic we desire to know. I’m just trying to figure out which one calls out to you first. We’ve already seen your hatred powers at work, but I want to know what else you can do.”

I closed my eyes and thought about Azazel. How even though we had kicked his ass multiple times and stolen or killed all of his followers, he was down in Hell, smug as ever. The monster currently had a beautiful, delicate succubus locked up in a tiny prison, all because he was too much of an asshole to let her go.

And then I thought about how much pleasure it was going to bring me to kick his ass, to watch him suffer underneath my boot as I boiled the flesh from his face with my own magic. It was gonna feel amazing, and I felt like somewhat of a psycho for admitting it.

If that wasn’t sadism, I don’t know what is.

However, I didn’t feel the energy surge as I did when I called forth passion or disgust or protection. I opened one of my eyes and saw that a few turquoise sparks danced from my hand, but there was no acidic flame.

“No worries,” Cupiditas reassured me. “Some powers are going to take longer than others. Let’s move on to something else … ”

“What are you thinking?” I asked hopefully. “Sia’s black Hellfire?”

“No!” Cupi shot back instantly. “Jacob, do you remember what happened the last time you tried to tap into your fear powers?”

“The Shadow World,” I reminisced with a grim nod. “I definitely don’t want to go back there.”

“Exactly,” she continued. “Sia has spent millennia perfecting the black Hellfire of fear at Azazel’s behest. So far, she’s the only one of us who can control that kind of power.”

“Then what about necromancy?” I asked. “Summoning and controlling zombies like Tris does would be badass.”

“It’s worth a shot.” Cupi shrugged. “Believe it or not, Sister Tristitia gets her power from the emotion of determination.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the succubus’ words. “Determination?” I asked with a raised eyebrow. “Determination to do what? Not lift a finger?”

“You joke, but it’s true,” the succubus said firmly. “Try it.”

I closed my eyes again and thought ahead to our upcoming mission. I thought about how we were going to storm the Gates of Hell, kill Azazel, and then bring Invidia back here to join our group. I thought especially long and hard about the part where we kill Azazel.

I opened my eyes, and there was nothing. No zombies, no orange Hellfire, nothing.

“No necromancy either?” I sighed. “Damn, that’s two strikes in a row.”

“Maybe we need to raise the stakes a little,” Cupi said as she released her grip on my waist.

“Raise the--” I started, but I didn’t get a chance to finish.

The succubus turned, stuck two fingers in her mouth, and then whistled. Instantly, Todd’s impish body appeared out of thin air with a baseball bat in his hand.

“Surprise, motherfucker!” he cackled as he took a swing at my thigh.

There was a dull thwack as the hardwood of the bat struck me hard. The impact reverberated through my entire leg and set all of my nerve endings on fire. I let out a scream of pain, and that was when I felt it.

I felt a huge mix of emotions all at once. There was surprise, anger, pain, betrayal, and annoyance, all racing through my mind at the same time. Power surged through my body, and I instinctively tossed out my arm to strike back at my attacker.

As I did so, my hand was engulfed in a new color of Hellfire, one that was a deep mixture of brown and yellow. The spell was dark, but it shimmered with a metallic glow as it shot from my hand and into the spot right in front of Todd.

The metallic brown bolt smashed into the grass of our back lawn as a shockwave instantly spread across the ground. Todd, Cupi, and I were all knocked down on our asses, and I looked over to see the lower part of the mansion’s fence shatter into a million pieces. My mouth fell agape, and I looked over at my friends in shock.

“Bronze Hellfire!” Cupi sounded impressed as she picked herself back up. “I don’t even think Azazel has mastered that one yet. Very impressive.”

I rubbed my thigh gently as I tried to figure out what the fuck just happened. “Did you really have to hit me with a baseball bat?” I asked, and I was sure I wasn’t hiding the annoyance in my voice.

“I’ll admit, I figured Todd and I’s little surprise attack would have awakened the mirror magic within you,” the fit succubus explained with a shrug. “But bronze Hellfire? That’s much, much better.”

“You hear that, Jakey?” Todd asked like a kid wanting to hear his father was proud of him. “I was gonna totally take that baseball bat at full force if your mirror magic worked. That’s some Mr. Miyagi shit right there, bro.”

“I appreciate it,” I half-joked and continued to rub my aching thigh. “What is bronze Hellfire, and why is it such a big deal that I know it?”

“It’s kind of a long story,” Cupi admitted. “So I’ll just give you the abbreviated version. In the texts of the Exalted One, bronze is highly symbolic.”

Todd raised his hand excitedly. “Oh, oh!” he exclaimed. “I know this one! Bronze stands for judgment. Or sometimes it stands for strength. Or other times scholars argue it stands in for symbolizing dicks. Actually, I really don’t know what it’s supposed to symbolize. Damn you, Sunday School!”

“The first point is correct, Todd,” Cupi reassured the imp. “In everything the Demonic and the Divine do, the color bronze stands for judgment. That is why only those who have the power of Heaven and Hell on their side can use it.”

“How many of those people are out there?” I asked curiously. “There can’t be that many.”

“Well,” the succubus pondered as she rapped on her chin, “any sort of fallen angel could theoretically have this power, as could a Nephilim or a creature that comes from Purgatory. It’s rare in any case.”

“But what does it do?” I continued as I marveled at my glowing hand. “Is it some sort of earthquake magic? That doesn’t exactly sound like judgment, Heaven-and-Hell, fallen angel stuff.”

“Broooooo,” Todd groaned, “you’re totally embarrassing your sensei here. I’ve taught you sooo much better than this, my young apprentice.”

“When you blasted the ground, you were literally causing all of the atoms of the Earth to vibrate under your spell,” Cupi tried to clarify. “Sure, in that particular case, you caused a miniature earthquake, but this is extremely powerful magic, Jacob. The possibilities are endless.”

“How do I make it happen?” I asked one final question. “Do I need Todd to surprise me with a baseball bat every time I want to use it?”

“Of course not.” Cupi chuckled. “Bronze Hellfire is instinctive and reactionary, much like the judgment it is based on. Whenever you want to call upon it, just think about the things like the injustices in the world or the terrible things your enemy has done. I seriously can’t wait to see what kind of ways you utilize this power.”

“Seriously, bro,” Todd interjected, “if you don’t rip somebody apart atom-by-atom by the time our next adventure is over, the Toddster’s gonna be very disappointed.”

“I’ll see what I can do, Todd,” I reassured the imp and turned back to my original target.

Cupi had set up a row of bottles on top of our backyard picnic table, but the shockwave from my bronze Hellfire had caused them to tumble off into the grass. A few of them had shattered, but I brought the surviving bottles back to the top of the table with a quick cast of emerald fire.

As soon as the four remaining bottles were upright, I set to work.

I thought about Azazel and all the terrible shit he’d done. Images of Cupi’s scars dashed through my mind, followed by the horrible things Sia had told me happened when the girls were with the Father of Warfare. Then there was Earl, the fucker who acted as their pimp. Somehow, some way, he treated the succubi even worse than Azazel had. Both of these asshats were burning in Hell right now, but even that wasn’t a good enough punishment.

I was coming for them, and I was going to kill them once and for all.

As these thoughts of revenge coursed through my head, I felt both of my hands light up with the bronze fire. Instantly, I blasted one of the bottles with the Hellfire, and it shattered into a million pieces.

“Why don’t you try something more subtle?” Cupi suggested.

I raised my left hand and targeted the bottle in the center of the table. This time, I tried to make sure I wasn’t hitting it with a full-powered strike. The bronze flames surrounded the bottle, and then it instantly began to vibrate as if it were a cell phone going off. Slowly, I directed the bottle toward the edge of the table until it fell off and shattered against the ground.

Cupi grabbed me by the shoulder and spun me around one-hundred and eighty degrees. The fit blonde pointed in the direction of our Olympic-sized swimming pool and looked at me with a sly grin.

“Are you familiar with the concept of a tsunami?” she asked coyly.

I couldn’t help but grin like an idiot when I realized what she was suggesting. “Of course I am,” I shot back. “Watch this.”

“Hold up!” Todd ran in front of me with his hands flailing wildly. “Bro, I’ve always wanted to know what it feels like to be inside one of those. If I go in, do you promise you’ll catch me?”

“I will catch you, Todd,” Cupi laughed. “I promise.”

“Well, in that case … ” the imp said as he turned and made a mad dash for the pool. Once he was about five feet away, the imp somersaulted across the ground, propelled himself into the air, and cannonballed into the pool with a splash.

I rolled my eyes, clapped my hands together, and sent a massive beam of bronze toward the water. The crystal-clear liquid was engulfed with the dancing Hellfire as it slowly began to ripple. Then, I tried to concentrate and feel every single solitary atom in the pool. All at once, the tiny ripples turned into medium-sized waves.

“Weeee!” Todd cackled as his tiny body was tossed around. “More power, bro!”

I closed my eyes and tried to harness all of my energy at once. Suddenly, I heard the sloshes of the pool water turn into loud, crashing waves, interspersed every now and again with a shriek of joy from Todd. I forced my eyelids open and saw that I was creating waves nearly six-feet tall. The power surged through my body as the bronze flames began to shimmer even brighter, and then all of the water sloshed out of the pool in one massive, two-story-high wave.

The water splashed out of the pool, and I had to quickly throw up a cast of emerald Hellfire to keep it from washing away our house. Instead, the violent waves disappeared into the green portal and reappeared directly above the empty pool. I released both my spells, and the water plopped back down into the hole in the ground where it belonged. Seconds later, Todd’s head popped up to the surface.

“That … was … awesome!” he exclaimed. “I totally felt like Keanu in that surfer cop movie.”

Cupiditas gave me a playful smack on the shoulder from behind. “Just like old times, huh?” she said through a toothy smile. “You learning all these new powers with my help while Todd just sits back and enjoys the ride?”

“For sure,” I agreed with a grin.

This whole exercise really did remind me of the day back in the abandoned parking garage where I first learned how to use my Hellfire magic. It’d only been a little over a year and a half, but I couldn’t even remember what life was like before I’d met these women. My nostalgic thoughts were quickly cut off by Libidine’s cheerful voice.

“Yooohoooo!” she called from the sliding glass door of the patio. “You guys need to come quick. Gula’s show is coming on!”

“Well, shit,” I said as I put my arm around Cupi. “We definitely can’t miss that.”

Todd doggie-paddled to the edge of the pool, pulled himself out, and shook his whole body like an untrained puppy. Then he scuttled toward the back door of the mansion as if his tail was on fire.

“Last one there’s a fallen angel!” he cackled.

“That’s a new one,” I shrugged, and then Cupi and I followed the imp back to the comfort of our home.

The second we walked through the door, I could hear Todd explaining what had just happened outside to one of the succubi.

“A three-hundred-foot tall wave?” Sia’s voice asked with skepticism. “Are you certain about that?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die,” Todd retorted. “And then, Jakey’s new judgment powers summoned some giant sea serpent into the pool, and I had to wrestle him Crocodile Hunter style!”

“Oh yes,” I added to the imp’s tall tale as we entered the living room, “the Toddster totally saved the day.”

“Why, thank you, bro,” Todd said with a hint of surprise in his voice. “It takes a big man to give credit where credit is due.”

Cupi raised her finger in protest. “But Jacob--” she started, but then I cut her off with a wave of my hand.

“Let him have this one,” I whispered.

The two of us sat down next to each other on the loveseat in the living room. Sia, the petite redhead who doubled as the succubi’s madame, was resting in the reclining chair with her feet propped up. Todd had his ass firmly planted on a small stool directly next to the madame, and he looked like an overzealous child as he continued to tell her about his adventures in the backyard.

Meanwhile, Libidine was leaning over the breakfast bar in the attached kitchen. She was wearing a simple tube top and leggings, and her massive breasts threatened to pop out from the sides of the garment at any moment.

Tristitia was sprawled out on the couch across from us. She was awake, but she was acting groggy and slow. The blunt in her mouth and the half-eaten bag of chips that sat in front of her told me she probably hadn’t moved in hours. Her eyes finally glimmered with life when she saw her sister on TV.

“There it is, guys!” Tris exclaimed. “I still can’t believe Gula has her own fucking TV show.”

The intro started off with a stereotypical saxophone-laden tune, followed by short clips of Gula and her co-host messing around in the kitchen. Then, the title appeared. The words Chef’s Special with Gale and Mark were written in big block letters across a pale green screen for a few seconds before they disappeared to reveal Gula and her co-host standing behind a kitchen island.

“Good morning, America,” Gula greeted the world through a wide smile. “My name’s Gale, and this is my friend, Mark.”

“And today,” Mark spoke up, “we’re going to take you on a tour of Italy via a large assortment of dishes.”

“Oh no,” Todd gasped. “It’s gonna be carb city up in that place. All those people are gonna sleep for days.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Tris sighed from her position on the couch.

“Where’s Ira?” I asked as I looked around the room. “She’s the only one that’s missing.”

“Sister Ira said she had to head over to her office,” Sia explained with a shrug. “I find it best not to question her. She is an important political figure in the community, after all.”

“I know,” I agreed. “I just never realized how busy a politician’s life was.”

“I could have told you that, bro,” Todd interjected. “Politicians are always running around, banging their mistresses, collecting their checks from lobbyists, and trying to fuck over the common man in general. Hell, they fuck us better than they probably do their mistresses! Probably use a lot less Viagra, too.”

“Ira’s not like that,” I argued.

“I dunno, bro.” The imp shrugged. “Washington changes people, usually for the worst. I just hope ‘ol Crazy Eyes can come out of the lion’s den without a bunch of scratches. Although knowing her, she’s probably loving every minute of the corruption and backstabbing.”

“That’s why she got into it in the first place,” Libidine reminded us. “Sadomasochism, remember?”

Todd shuddered atop the stool. “You can say that again, Lib,” he grimaced.

I looked over at Cupi and noticed the blonde succubus looked more distant and cold than usual.

“Is everything alright, Cupi?” I asked, but she looked at me with sadness in her eyes.

“It’s just … the gang’s all here,” she sighed, “everyone but Invidia. We’re all sitting here, enjoying ourselves and having the time of our lives, but one of our sisters is trapped down in Hell with Azazel doing God knows what to her.”

I put my hand tenderly against Cupiditas’ soft cheek. “Listen,” I explained. “We’re going to save Invidia, okay? I just don’t even know where to start.”

“Seriously?” Todd spoke up from across the room. “I feel like such a failure as a master.”

“Do you have an idea?” I asked the imp with a raised eyebrow. “Because I’ll take any--”

“Brrrroooooo.” Todd chuckled. “It’s all in the handbook.”

“What do you mean, ‘the handbook?’” I shot back curiously. “Have we had the ability to travel to Hell this whole time?”

“Whoa, whoa!” Tris suddenly sat up on the couch. “Travel to Hell? Why would we ever want to go back there? All you ever do when you’re in that place is work until every bone in your body aches. That’s a no-go from me, dude.”

“Am I seriously the only one who knows about this spell?” Todd asked the group. “It’s right there in the book I bought, the one that summoned Liby and Cupi to Earth in the first place.”

“Are you referring to the Spell of Immolation?” Sia questioned the imp. “Because there are countless issues on that subject.”

“What are you talking about, Superbia?” Cupi butted into the conversation.

The redhead took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. “The Spell of Immolation allows a non-Demonic entity to travel through Hell unscathed,” she explained. “However, there is a catch. Whoever casts the spell must merge their soul with the traveler, hence the ‘immolation’ part of the spell. There are angels who aren’t even powerful enough to make the Spell of Immolation work, and I highly doubt it would work on a mortal or a lowly succubus.”

“Wait, wait,” Todd interrupted the succubus. “I sure as hell am not setting myself on fire. Isn’t that what ‘immolation’ means?”

“If you’re thinking of it in the modern-day, ‘heavy metal’ sense, then yes,” Sia agreed, “but I’m talking about immolation, as in, sacrificing yourself in a ritual. That’s how it was defined for thousands of years.”

“Hold up,” Tris’ voice interjected, and then she took another drag off her joint. “It doesn’t have to work on all of us, you know.”

“Elaborate,” Sia prodded the brunette.

Tris blew a small cloud of smoke into the air and coughed. “So, we don’t have a power cap anymore, right?” she asked rhetorically.

“Correct,” Sia said with a nod.

“Well, then why can’t the six of us combine our energy?” Tristitia continued. “Instead of trying to send an entire army down to the Gates of Hell, why don’t we just give all our energy to Jacob and Todd? Surely we’re all strong enough now to help them pass through unharmed.”

“That sounds very dangerous,” Libidine gasped. “Sending Jacob and Todd down to Hell all by themselves?”

“I’m only spitballing here,” Tris said with a shrug, and then she laid back down onto the couch. “Besides, if I remember correctly, it takes a very powerful spell just to open up a Hell portal, anyways.”

“Sister Tris is right,” Cupi said as she seemingly had an epiphany. “Todd, do you remember anything in that book of yours about soul magic?”

“There’s an entire seventy-page section on that, my bodacious blonde,” the imp retorted. “And I have it all memorized. What do you need to know?”

“Does it talk about soul-splitting at all?” Cupi questioned. “I vaguely remember a spell that can take a demon’s soul and split it into multiple parts.”

“How would that help, Cupiditas?” Sia argued. “Jacob and Todd will need our souls to remain unscathed.”

“Exactly,” the blonde succubus shot back sassily. “Normally, using a soul-merging spell would take us out of the picture completely. But since the power cap is gone … ”

“We can split our souls and then still be strong enough to hold the portal open for Jacob!” Libidine finished her sister’s thought.

“Exactly!” the blonde succubus said with a grin. “We can have our cake and eat it, too. We’ll be the ones who hold open the portal for Jacob and Todd, but we can also be with them in spirit while they’re down there.”

“But where are we going to find a portal to Hell?” Tris asked. “It’s not like those things grow on trees. Also, going through one from the Earth side is like, super forbidden.”

We sat there and pondered Tris’ question for a moment, and then it dawned on me.

“The Porta ad Inferos,” I muttered. “That’s where we need to go.”

As Gula chopped up some onions on the television screen, I stood up from my comfy seat and looked around at my friends.

“Guys, pack your bags,” I said excitedly. “We’re headed back to Washington.”

Chapter 5

“Is it bad that I’m most looking forward to the food?” Todd asked curiously as we sped down the highway in Shadow. “Betty’s home cooking is the bestest shit in the whole wide world.”

“Don’t let Gula hear you say that,” I warned. “She takes a lot of pride in her culinary skills.”

“Which is ironic since she’s the Sister of Gluttony,” Todd giggled. “I would have figured most of the food would end up in her stomach before it even hit the pan. Strawberry Shortcake over here is pride.”

“What’s wrong with taking pride in what you do?” Sia spoke up from the back seat. “There are certainly a few things I do to Jacob that nobody else can do, and I’ll let the entire world know it.”

“Are you talking about that move you do with your legs pressed together?” Cupi asked curiously. “I know Jacob loves that one, but I can’t figure out how to copy it.”

“Me either,” Libidine said with disappointment in her voice.

“And you never will!” Sia giggled coyly. “That’s my signature move. It makes Jacob erupt like a volcano every time.”

“St--stoppppp,” Todd gagged as he hopped to his feet and put his hands over his throat overdramatically. “I don’t wanna know about Jakey’s love juices.”

“Please,” Cupi continued, completely ignoring Todd’s request. “All it takes for me is a little bit of tongue action, and voila! My mouth feels like it's been filled with pure ecstasy.”

Todd’s eyes grew wide, and he tossed a hand over his mouth as he tried to fumble with the automatic window on Shadow’s passenger side. The window rolled down, and the imp stuck his head out like a dog and took a few deep breaths.

“Uh--you okay Todd?” I asked as he continued to take in the afternoon air.

“You two overcomplicate things!” Libidine giggled to her sisters. “Jacob might be an incredible lover and an even more incredible person, but it doesn’t take anything special to do the job. Usually one of these works just fine--”

I looked back in the rearview mirror and saw Liby reach her hand up and run it through her hair. At the same time, she arched her back and began to let out a series of intense moans as she bounced up and down on the seat. She may have been acting, but the sight and sounds brought me back to our many love-making sessions, and I could feel my pants getting tighter.

Libidine opened her eyes, her hair still messed up from her motions, and made eye contact with me in the mirror. “See?” she boasted. “You don’t need any fancy tricks or moves. Just some good old fashioned sexiness.”

“This is it,” Todd’s voice joked beside me. “I can’t take it anymore.”

I looked over and saw that the imp now had the entire upper half of his body sticking out of the window.

“Goodbye, cruel world!” he said melodramatically. “Jakey, you have first dibs on my porn collection. Just don’t look in the box marked ‘hentai,’ alright? Make sure you burn that. And make sure it all gets completely burned, not a single picture or flash drive left over.”

“Get back in here,” I chuckled as I reached over and grabbed Todd’s leg. “I need you to go through Hell with me, remember?”

I pulled the imp back inside, and he shot me a completely shell-shocked look. “I don’t know what came over me, bro,” the imp joked. “It must just be my gut reaction when I start hearing other demons talk about making the Beast with Two Backs.”

“I’m not familiar with that beast,” Cupiditas said as she leaned forward against the back of the front seat. “Is he Demonic or Divine? Is he similar to Vermis the Devil Worm?”

“Oh, all three of you guys are very, veerrry familiar with this one,” Todd quipped. “At least, if everything you just said was true.”

“So it’s a beast of lust?” Sia asked. “Does he serve Asmodeus?”

“You could say that,” the imp snickered.

“Why do they call him a ‘Beast with Two Backs?’” Libidine chimed in. “Does he have multiple heads?”

“It’s a fusion monster,” Todd continued. “It happens when two creatures are close and somebody plays a fusion card.”

I rolled my eyes at the imp’s words. A quick glance at the three women’s faces in the back told me they completely believed Todd’s story and they thought this obscure euphemism for sex was an actual creature we’d have to fight somewhere along the way.

“How does this ‘fusion’ ability work?” Cupi was now completely engrossed in the conversation. “Is it something we could learn?”

“You already know it, toots,” the imp explained, and I could tell he was trying to stifle a laugh. “But you can totally get better at it. There is such a thing as a Beast with Six Backs, but I’ve only seen that in a video once. It all depends on the number of orifices on your body, and how willing you are to have them filled.”

I looked over at Todd, and our eyes met. I didn’t know if it was the awkward eye contact or the fact that the imp had been leading the succubi on so brilliantly, but we both burst out with uproarious laughter. Todd fell over onto his side and began to slap his leg repeatedly, and I was howling so hard I could barely see the road through the tears in my eyes.

Finally, I recomposed myself and wiped away a tear of joy. “He’s just fucking with you guys,” I explained to the confused succubi. “‘Beast with Two Backs’ is one of Todd’s weird-ass slang words for sex.”

Libidine’s face continued to look confused, but then a slow look of realization spread across her face. “Ohhhh,” she mused.

Cupi reached over the seat and gave Todd a playful slap on the head. “Not cool, Todd! I was already thinking of all the different strategies we could use to kill that thing.”

“You can’t kill it,” Todd howled, “unless you ate a bunch of Mexican food before. That’ll kill the mood quicker than you can say ‘burrito-infused aroma.’”

I involuntarily gagged at the visuals that ran through my mind. “That’s nasty, bro,” I said with a grimace. “I seriously feel like I’m about to hurl.”

Todd sprang up in his seat and pointed at me in defiance. “Aha!” he shouted happily. “How the tables have turned, bro. How the tables have turned…”

Sia was trying to be her usual stoic, no-nonsense self, but I could see the beginnings of a smile on her pursed lips. “Are you certain the others got our message?” she asked calmly. “We’re going to need everyone if we truly want enough energy to do a soul-split and a soul-merge.”

I nodded as I looked at the redhead in the mirror. “Gula’s flying in from LA, and Tris and Ira are going to meet her at Reagan National Airport. They said they could be at Elmer and Betty’s farmhouse in no time at all.”

“I still can’t believe Tris is taking one of our buses all the way out here,” Libidine mused. “She’s the only passenger.”

“There wasn’t room in this vehicle,” I explained, “and she was very adamant that she wasn’t going to fly all the way out to Virginia on her own wings. She could have taken Stella, but it’d be kinda cruel to make her drive all the way out here all by herself.”

“I suppose so,” Sia sighed, “but do you have any idea how much it costs to fuel a tour bus traveling from Arizona to D.C.? It’s quite a lot.”

“Relax, Sia,” I chuckled. “We still have plenty of money. Between the profits of the strip club, Ira and Gula’s salaries, and the leftovers from our encounter with Shax, we’re sitting pretty right now.”

“Still,” the madame warned, “you don’t stay profitable by wasting money left and right.”

“Speaking of Jacob’s empire,” Cupi spoke up, “who’s watching the Velvet Lips and our mansion while we’re away? And who’s covering for Gula and Ira?”

I raised my finger happily. “That’s where Jane and Oliver come in,” I explained. “Jane’s agreed to watch over the Velvet Lips for us, and Oliver and a few of his cultists are going to stay at our mansion while we’re on this mission.”

“Jane is a strong-willed, powerful magic user,” Sia observed. “You couldn’t have picked a better replacement for me if you tried.”

“What about my blog, bro?” Todd asked in a panic. “Tuesdays with the Toddster isn’t going to podcast itself.”

I just shrugged. “I’m sure if we asked nicely, Oliver would take care of that for us, as well,” I reassured the imp.

“I hope so,” Todd said with a sigh of relief. “I’ve got a big guest coming up next week. I booked John Zeitmann, bro.”

The cabin of the vehicle went silent.

“John Zeitmann?” I repeated. “Like, the same John Zeitmann who saw us fighting with Gallu back in Las Vegas?”

“Nooooo,” Todd argued. “The John Zeitmann who’s currently blowing up on the paranormal scene. The guy who’s on all sorts of Paranormal Channel shows and who writes all these books about his experiences and his different theories on the paranormal. He’s making his own documentary soon called Devil in the Sin City. It sounds really fucking cool.”

“Todd … ” I tried to let the imp think about what he’d just said. “That’s the same guy. He brought us the expensive champagne, remember?”

The imp opened his mouth to argue some more, but then it clapped shut as he tried to recall that day in Vegas. Then his eyes widened in horror, and his mouth fell agape once more.

“Oh shit, bro!” he exclaimed. “That is the same dude. I should probably call and cancel the interview.”

“Yeah, we definitely don’t want that guy coming into our mansion,” I reiterated, “even if it will make us money. The last thing he needs to do is piece two and two together.”

“Have Ollie make the call,” Todd said with the voice of an angry newspaper editor. “This story’s goin’ nowhere.”

“Are you sure you don’t want Oliver to come up with something?” I asked. “He’s pretty well-spoken.”

Todd crossed his arms and shook his head. “Nah, bro,” the imp shot back. “He may know his paranormal shit, but the Toddster’s gotta keep up his brand. Does he even know about the Wheel of Whack?”

“Do I even want to know?” I asked, even though I knew he was going to give me an answer anyways.

“The Wheel of Wack, bro,” Todd explained. “It’s this segment where I put all this week’s hot paranormal topics on a big wheel, spin it, and then make prank calls to whatever subject it lands on. Did you know the secretary of the Loch Ness Monster Society hates being called ‘Lassie?’”

“I can’t say I did,” I admitted.

“Exactly,” the imp continued. “I can’t have somebody do the podcast without doing the Wheel of Wack. Besides, Oliver would probably find a way to turn it into a podcast about the cult’s group orgies.”

“The orgies!” Sia gasped. “Jacob, did you explicitly state that Oliver and the rest of the cultists weren’t allowed to perform those rituals in our mansion?”

“I--I didn’t think I would have to tell him that,” I admitted. “I figured it’d be implied.”

The entire vehicle was filled with groans of annoyance.

“I really hope they stay out of my collection,” Todd mused. “For my sake, and theirs. No matter how deep into the depths of the internet they’ve gone, no matter how many paranormal entities they’ve encountered, no matter how many blood orgies they’ve done … nothing will prepare them for what’s in that little black box.”

“What could possibly be in the box that would--” Libidine started, and then Todd spun around in his seat and gave her a death glare.

“You don’t want to know, Lib,” he warned. “Nobody needs that in their life. Probably not even me. Come to think of it, I should probably dispose of all that shit myself before somebody accidentally stumbles on it and has their life changed forever.”

“Alright, it’s agreed,” I addressed the friends in my car. “First thing we do when we get settled at Elmer and Betty’s is to call Oliver and remind him not to perform any rituals.”

“And to stay out of that second bedroom,” Todd added. “I’m not paying for the years of therapy bills that’ll be needed after they go through that shit.”

“And to stay out of the second bedroom,” I repeated and turned my attention back to the road.

We drove on for nearly two full days, and only stopped for the occasional pit stop and to stay the night in some cheap hotel we’d seen on the side of the road. Once we were all rested and refreshed, we hit the road again. Now, our GPS told us we were only ten minutes or so away from our destination.

Dusk had fallen across the landscape of upstate Virginia, and the setting sun lit up the beautiful hillsides to make it look like a painting you’d find in an art museum. The succubi stared out at the scenery while Todd was passed out in the passenger seat and snored like a buzzsaw.

Finally, I saw a familiar, beat-up blue mailbox jutting out of the country road like a pale, reflective beacon in the night. I turned the wheel of Shadow, and we began our ascent up the long, winding driveway of the farmhouse. We reached the end of the driveway in no time flat, and soon, we found ourselves in the presence of the humble, two-story house Elmer and Betty had lived in since they were teenagers.

When we had first encountered the old couple, the house was in shambles. Chunks of siding had fallen off, tiles were missing all across the roof, and some of the windows had even been broken. At the time, Ira was still our enemy, and we had a tense meal with Elmer and Betty that quickly dissolved into a violent throw-down in which half of the farmhouse was destroyed. Once Ira was turned and the world was saved, Sia had come back and fixed the house with her healing magic.

“This place looks like it was built yesterday,” I whistled as I killed the ignition on Shadow. “Definitely not the image I get in my mind when I think ‘old farmhouse.’”

“You’re welcome!” Superbia giggled from the backseat. “My touch does quite the number on things, it’s almost like magic. Then again, I don’t have to tell you that.”

“A joke?” I gasped. “From Sia?”

“Don’t get used to it,” the succubus shot back as she and her sisters exited the vehicle.

I reached over and gave Todd a hearty slap on the foot, and the imp began to stir. “Wha--what? I swear, officer, I’m not high,” he mumbled groggily. “It wasn’t me, it was the one-armed man.”

“I don’t care,” I shot back in my gruffest voice as I played along with his charade. “But seriously, bro, wake up.”

Todd sat up in the passenger seat and rubbed his eyes sleepily. “Did we make it to the old fogeys’ house?” he asked through a yawn.

The imp popped open the passenger side door and half-rolled, half-fell out onto the ground. He stood up, brushed himself off, and sauntered over to my side.

“Ya think I need to go all retro-Todd?” he questioned. “Or do you think Elmer and Betty can handle the sexiness of this temple?”

“I dunno,” I joked. “Seeing you in your true form might awaken some things in Betty … ”

“I’ve always wanted to date a cougar,” Todd said with a shrug. “I’m hoping I can find one of ‘em while we’re down there in Hell. Think about it, bro. There she is, some forty-something goddess, trapped for all eternity in the Lake of Fire, and then, in comes the Toddster, locks flowing and muscles rippling. With the help of my trusty sidekick, we beat the shit out of some demons, rescue the fair maiden, and bring her back to Earth, where she repays the Toddster with a mixture of home cooking, back rubs, and sexual favors.”

I raised an eyebrow at the imp curiously. “You’ve thought a lot about this, haven’t you?”

“Bro, when you watch two hours worth of porn a day, you gotta start coming up with your own fantasies,” the imp explained. “Gotta keep a little variety in your life, yanno?”

Without warning, the bright light of the porch sprang to life and cut through the night sky like a knife. The fixture itself wasn’t that bright, but the sudden change from pitch blackness to white LED was enough to blind my vision and make me almost fall over. After a second or two, my eyes adjusted to my surroundings, and I could see the outline of a man and a woman standing on the porch.

“Is that … Jacob Ralston and his pals?” Elmer’s voice called out into the night.

“Oh, what a pleasant surprise!” Betty exclaimed. “Don’t just stand there in the cold, come on in!”

When the group got a little bit closer, I could see the old couple clearly. Betty was wearing a ratty nightgown made of cotton with a yellow color that had faded from years and years of use. Meanwhile, Elmer was dressed in a white undershirt and a pair of denim overalls that looked like they had been thrown on at the last minute.

“Sorry to intrude,” I apologized, “but we were in the area, and we wanted to swing by and talk to you guys.”

Betty walked over and put a frail hand on my shoulder lovingly. “You’re not intruding on anything, my boy,” she explained. “You saved our lives and fixed our home, Jacob. You could stop by at two in the morning, and Elmer and I would be happy to see you.”

“Ladies,” Elmer said as he stepped to the side and extended his arm for the succubi to pass. “It’s good to see you all again. Where’s Todd? I woulda figured he’d be along for the ride.”

The imp walked over to the old man and tugged gently at the leg of his overalls. “What’s up, Doc?” He snickered, and Elmer looked like he was about to swallow his tongue.

“Oh--oh!” Elmer gasped. “I musta forgot you were a little devil. I just remember the hippie hair, if I’m being honest.”

“That was the old Toddster,” the imp said as he puffed out his chest. “This is the twenty-first century, and I’m gonna be the me I wanna be. If that’s okay with your rural views, of course.”

“Of--of course!” the old man retorted awkwardly. “Demon or not, we love ya just the same, buddy. In fact, some of my grandsons’ best friends are--”

Todd doubled over in laughter. “I’m just messing with you, bro,” he guffawed. “It’s good to see ya, Mr. Fudd.” With that, the imp dashed into the farmhouse, right behind the three succubi.

Elmer shook his head after Todd, let out a sigh, and extended his hand out to me.

“It’s good to see you again, son,” he admitted as we shook hands. “We were startin’ to wonder if y’all were ever gonna come back.”

“I wish we could have come under better circumstances,” I sighed, “but we need access to your property again.”

“What, is there another demon tryin’ to take it?” Elmer asked with worry in his voice.

“No, no,” I reassured the old farmer. “We’re actually the ones who need it. It’s a long story, actually.”

Elmer slapped me jubilantly on the back. “No story’s too long when yer telling it over a piece of Betty’s pie and some ice cream,” he implored. “Let’s go inside, and you can tell us all ‘bout it.”

“That sounds amazing.” I grinned at the farmer, and then I followed him into the farmhouse.

Chapter 6

“So, you guys are actually wantin’ to go to Hell?” Elmer gasped when we explained why we had driven all this way. “I woulda thought that’d be the last thing you’d want to do after all those monsters attacked you here.”

“Trust me, Elmer,” I nodded and took a sip from my cup of coffee, “it’s not very high on my list. But it’s something we have to do.”

“Our final sister, Invidia, is trapped down there,” Libidine explained. “This is the only way we can save her and free ourselves of our old master once and for all.”

“Old master?” Elmer scoffed. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that Hell still goes by those old rules. My great grandpappy fought for the union in the Civil War, and I bet he’d have something to say about these ornery cusses!”

“Elmer, are you telling Civil War stories again?” Betty’s voice asked from the kitchen.

“No, dear,” he hollered back and then turned to the four of us. “Betty doesn’t like it when I get goin’ about the Civil War. I can get really into it, and she says she’s worried my heart’s gonna give out or somethin’.”

“Awww,” Liby giggled. “She’s just worried about you.”

“I, for one, would love to hear more about this Earth Realm Civil War,” Cupi said with fascination in her voice. “Was it a massive affair? Did it end with half of the world’s population decimated? Were there lots of betrayals and backstabbings?”

“There sure as Hell were!” Elmer said with a grin. “Wait’ll after dinner, and I’ll show you guys my DVD collection. I think I’ve got just about every Civil War documentary that’s ever been aired on public television.”

“That sounds lovely,” Sia lied obviously. “So do we have permission to use the Porta ad Inferos, then?”

“Permission?” Elmer scoffed. “You guys don’t need my permission to use that thing. Yer welcome to use anything on this property without question!”

“Actually, we do,” the madame corrected the old man. “It states quite clearly in Todd’s spell book that one cannot enter through a portal of Hell without direct permission from its owner.”

“Come on, Strawberry Shortcake,” Todd whispered to the succubus. “Quit being such a downer.”

“I’m not ‘being a downer,’ Todd,” Sia shot back. “This mission is easily the most dangerous one we’ve ever been on. If we don’t stick one-hundred percent to the plan that’s laid out in the spellbook, we could find ourselves trapped in the Lake of Fire for all eternity.”

“Wow … ” Elmer muttered. “If that’s the case, then yes, y’all have my permission to use the Portal ads Enforceres.”

“Porta ad Inferos,” Sia corrected.

“Sia’s just worried,” I whispered to Todd. “And tired. And stressed. I don’t blame her for being short. I’m sure once she gets a little food in her and gets a good night’s sleep, she’ll be good as new.”

Todd’s mouth fell open, and he tugged at my shirt and pointed in the direction of the kitchen. “Broooo,” he mused. “I think I’ve died and gone to Heaven.”

I turned around in my chair and saw what Todd was referring to. Betty was walking into the dining room from the kitchen with a large, steaming object in her hand. When she got closer to the table, the succulent aroma hit my nostrils, and I realized what she was carrying.

It was a freshly-made blueberry pie.

Even though we had already eaten dinner a few hours ago, my stomach growled intensely when I saw the delicious dessert the old woman had in her hands.

Betty waltzed over to the dinner table and placed the pie down right at its center. “Dig in, dears,” she said warmly. “I’ll go grab the ice cream.”

Without even a moment’s hesitation, Todd snatched up the knife beside his plate and cut into the pie. He pulled off a piece about as large as his head, and then he licked his lips as he plopped it down on his plate.

“That wasn’t very geometric.” Sia sighed. “Shouldn’t we all get an equal share?”

Todd looked up at the succubus, his mouth now full of blueberry pie, and shook his head. “First come, first served,” he scoffed. “Last time I checked, we lived in the United States of America. We don’t do that commie shit here, bro.”

“I like this devil,” Elmer chuckled.

Meanwhile, Sia was staring directly at the pie, internally calculating how she would divvy up the rest equally. Then, she grabbed the knife that rested on her napkin and carved the remaining portions of the dessert into six decently-sized portions. The petite redhead picked up her own piece and set it down gently on her plate before she passed the pie around for everyone else to enjoy.

When the dessert finally got around to me, my mouth was watering like no other. The fruity, sugary smell of the pie filled my nostrils, and a bit of drool nearly slipped out of my mouth when I lifted it up and saw the filling spill out from inside its crispy crust. Once the slice was on my plate, I couldn’t help but marvel at it. The thing was stuffed to the gills with a gooey, dark blue filling, and its crust was toasted to golden-brown perfection.

I wanted to devour this whole thing right then and there, but it was still missing its finishing touch.

“Who wants some ice cream?” Betty asked as she reappeared with a carton of vanilla ice cream in one hand and a silver scoop in the other.

“Wait, that was an option?” Todd gasped as he looked down at his half-eaten slice of pie. “Why didn’t anyone tell me this?”

“What part of ‘I’ll go grab the ice cream’ didn’t you get?” Cupi chuckled.

“I was totally zoning out,” the imp retorted proudly. “I was too busy thinking about all the sexy women who will want a piece of the Toddster once I free ‘em from eternal damnation.”

Betty went around and plopped two scoops of vanilla directly on top of our slices of pie. The blueberry dessert was still pretty fresh, so its warmth melted the bottom of the scoops and turned the entire dish into a mixture of buttery, fruity decadence.

I couldn’t wait any longer. I cut into the pie, picked up a large chunk, and shoved it in my mouth. The second it touched my tongue, my mouth was filled with the combined flavors of buttery dough, sweet fruit, and vanilla. The crust of the slice was crunchy, but it was so warm it nearly melted on my taste buds. Together the cool, milky sensation of the ice cream and the warm gooey filling made me feel like my mouth had been transported to Heaven on Earth.

“This is incredible,” I said aloud and raised my fork to point at Betty. “My compliments to the chef.”

The elderly woman put her hand over her mouth and blushed slightly. “It’s nothing, dear,” she giggled. “Honest, I just whipped that together at the last minute.”

“This was last minute?” Libidine asked in awe. “If this is something you threw together on a whim, I’d love to see what you could do if you actually had time to prepare!”

“It’s a shame I didn’t.” Betty grinned. “I’m sure you all would have been over the moon for my sugar cream pie. I know it’s Elmer’s favorite.”

I glanced over at Todd and saw a wide, devilish grin spread across his face. He waggled his eyebrows at me suggestively, and I knew exactly what was fluttering through his mind. I just hoped he was going to keep it to himself.

“Oh … ” Libidine responded. “We like you too, Betty, but that’s something the three of us save specifically for Jacob.”

Elmer and Betty looked at the succubus with confusion on their faces. Meanwhile, Liby’s comment made me nearly choke on my pie, and Todd was roaring with laughter.

After a moment of stunned silence, Superbia leaned over to Libidine and whispered something in her ear. As her madame spoke, the dark-haired succubus’ face contorted into a look of surprise. Then a deep red color flushed Liby’s cheeks, and her eyes looked toward the ground with embarrassment.

“I apologize for my rudeness,” Liby said bashfully. “That actually sounds lovely, and I hope to try your other delicious dessert someday.”

The succubus then went silent and turned her attention to the remaining slice of pie on her plate. Thankfully, the silence was only temporary, and we all continued to chat happily as we finished off our dessert.

“It’s a shame the others weren’t here to enjoy this amazing dish,” Cupi groaned as she patted her stomach.

Sia just shrugged. “They said they’d be here tomorrow morning,” she explained. “How does the Earth saying go? ‘You snooze, you lose?’”

“Speaking of snoozing,” I yawned and looked at my watch, “I feel like I need to go hibernate after eating all that pie. Not to mention, we have to be up at a halfway decent time in the morning.”

“Why’s that, Jakey?” Todd asked curiously. “Do you need to have an appointment to get into the Porta ad Inferos?”

“Of course not,” I replied, “but the sooner we get down there, the sooner we can get out. We should probably be leaving. There was a hotel a few miles away that had its ‘vacancy’ sign on, so I figured we could stay there for the night.”

Elmer stood up and raised his hand in front of his body. “You will do no such thing, Jacob,” he argued. “We have two extra bedrooms in this house. You and yer friends can stay here tonight.”

“Are you sure?” I asked the old man. “I’d hate to impose.”

“Nonsense,” Elmer scoffed. “Here, I’ll show you to your rooms.”

The five of us stood up from the table, wished Betty good night, and then followed the old man toward our temporary sleeping quarters. We passed through the kitchen and the living room, all the way to the back end of the house, where there stood a narrow staircase. We continued to follow the man of the house up the stairs and toward two small doors just past the landing.

“Here ya go.” He smiled as he motioned to the two doors. “These used to be my kids’ rooms when they were younger. They got to be in pretty rough shape these last few years, but thanks to you, young lady, they’re practically good as new. Betty and I will be downstairs, so just holler if ya need anything.”

“Thank you, Elmer,” I said to the old man. “We really appreciate you and your wife’s hospitality.”

“The pleasure’s all mine, Jacob,” Elmer said with a nod. “Now you youngins get off to bed. Good night!”

The elderly man turned away and hobbled down the stairs. The second he was out of earshot, Todd dashed over to the door on the far right.

“Let’s see what’s behind door number one, shall we?” he asked playfully.

The imp tried to reach up and grab the doorknob, but he was much too short. He hopped up and down as he tried to wrap his hands around the handle, and his motions reminded me of a cat chasing a laser pointer up the wall. Finally, Todd sighed, outstretched his hand, and his skin began to bubble. A second or two later, the succubi and I were staring at a fully human Todd. More importantly, however, was the fact that this version of the imp was tall enough to reach the doorknob.

“Like I said,” he grinned through his goatee,“let’s see what’s behind door numero uno!”

Todd opened the door, and we were greeted with one of the smallest rooms I’d ever seen. The whole place had to be less than one-hundred square feet total, and it was reminiscent of one of those rooms you’d see on a “tiny houses” TV show. There was a twin-sized bed against the far wall with a tall, light brown wooden dresser at its foot. A miniature desk sat caddy corner to the bed, but even that seemed to take up most of the floor space. To top it all off, the walls were painted in a sickly aqua color that reminded me of seaweed.

“Certainly not a five-star hotel,” I chuckled as I looked around the room, “but for the price, it’s perfect.”

“I dunno, bro,” Todd mused. “A twin-sized bed isn’t even big enough to hold my schlong.”

“Or four full-sized adults,” I added. “Let’s see what the other one looks like.”

We walked back out into the hallway and opened up the door to the second bedroom. I felt a sigh of relief reverberate through my body once I saw what was inside.

This room was much larger than the first bedroom. The floors were made of dark hardwood, and there was what looked to be a queen-sized bed at its center. There were Victorian-style nightstands on each side of the mattress, and the headboard was carved with intricate, curving designs. The walls featured the same nasty aqua color as the other room, but that could be forgiven.

At least this room was going to be able to fit us all.

“Blech,” Todd gagged as he took it all in. “On second thought, I think I’ll take the smaller one. That style of furniture is so one-hundred years ago.”

“Good night, Todd,” Libidine called out as the imp dashed out of the room and slammed the door shut behind him.

“I’m glad he chose that one,” I laughed and walked over to the bed. “I don’t even think the other bedroom could fit all four of us, let alone give us a decent place to sleep.”

“Sleep?” Cupi asked with a raised eyebrow. “Who said anything about sleeping?”

Sia strutted over to the door and slowly turned the doorknob into the locked position.

“I like where this is going.” I grinned as the three succubi formed a line in front of me.

“Maybe it was all the talk about cream pies that got me hot and bothered,” Libidine joked, “but I’ve been wanting this all night.”

“Me too,” Cupi purred. “It feels like it’s been so long since the four of us have been alone together.”

“Now, girls,” Sia said coyly. “Remember, we are guests in someone else’s house so that means we can’t be too loud. Or too messy.”

“Awwww,” Cupi pouted at her madame. “Messy is my favorite.”

Before anyone could make a snarky comeback, Libidine floated over to me and pressed her tender lips against mine. Our tongues explored each other’s mouths as she pushed me down onto the bed and ran her hands up against my abs under my shirt.

Libidine pulled away, sat up in a cowgirl position, and then playfully pulled up her shirt. The succubus made sure that she removed her garment slowly so each of her massive breasts fell with a sexy bounce. Her pink nipples were hard and inviting, and I didn’t wait another moment.

I sat up, ripped off my shirt, and began to suck on the dark-haired woman’s right nipple. At the same time, I slapped my right hand against her curvy ass and let the other wander down into the waistband of her pants. I could feel how wet Libidine already was, so I gently slid two fingers into her warm pussy.

Liby let out an intense gasp, and then she began to groan with satisfaction. I continued to finger the succubus as I ran my right hand along every single curve of her busty figure, and I also made sure to give each of her rock-hard nipples the attention they deserved.

Finally, I felt another pair of hands on my back.

“Now, now,” Sia purred into my ear. “Libidine doesn’t get to have all the fun, does she?”

Libidine’s lips made their way back to my own, and we continued to make out while the other two succubi kissed at my back and my neck. Suddenly, I felt my pants being tugged off, and my rock-hard erection jumped to attention. I didn’t even have time to think before Cupi and Sia were both pleasuring my cock with their hands. One succubus was jerking me off sensually while the other focused on my balls, and I couldn’t help but let out a moan of pleasure.

Liby finally pulled herself away from my kiss and looked me deep in the eyes. “I-I want it,” she said as she bit her lip. “I want it all right now.”

Cupi and Sia moved away from my body, and Libidine gave me a light shove so I was now laying on my back. She stood up and pulled down her leggings, revealing the smooth slit between her legs that was just aching to ride my dick. Liby tossed her pants to the side, crawled over so she was aligned with my body, and then straddled me tenderly. Both of us let out a whimper of ecstasy as I slid into her warm pussy.

Then Liby went to town. She instantly started to hop up and down on my dick as she ran her hands through her hair and moaned intensely. Her perfect breasts bounced in unison with the motions of her body, and I was trying my best not to fill her up right then and there.

The task at hand got harder when I turned my head and saw Cupi and Sia. Both of the women were completely naked and exploring each other's bodies. Cupi’s fit body was pressed up tight against the tiny redhead, and their lips were locked in a passionate kiss. Meanwhile, Sia had her hand cupped around Cupi’s tight ass, and the blonde succubus was rubbing her fingers across Sia’s clit vigorously.

Libidine must have seen me ogling at her sisters because she placed a hand against my cheek and turned my attention back to her. She increased the intensity of her pace as the inside of her pussy grew tighter and tighter around my cock. The succubus finally placed both of her hands palm-down against my torso and started to ride me like a horse on rocky terrain. Her pelvis pounded against my own as her moans became more and more intense.

Finally, it all became too much to handle.

Liby bent down and smashed her lips against mine as her pussy quivered, and she let out a long, powerful moan. At the same time, I felt myself hit the edge, and I groaned as I unleashed my warm cum inside of her. The succubus gave me one final, tender kiss, and then she sat up and smiled.

“That was incredible,” she mused, “but I don’t think we’re done yet.”

“Oh, we’re not,” Cupi’s voice cooed.

No sooner had Liby gotten off my cock were Cupi’s violet eyes staring up at me hungrily. “You know,” she observed as she grabbed the base of my dick, “sometimes I still can’t believe I can fit this whole thing in my mouth.”

I may have just orgasmed, but the thought of the fit blonde’s lips wrapped around my cock made the throbbing sensation return. Within seconds, I was hard as a rock once again.

“That’s more like it,” Cupi purred, and then she began to lick the shaft of my erection.

I groaned with pleasure as the succubus ran her warm tongue up and down my cock. Every now and again, she would let her mouth wander down and lick at my balls while she stroked my massive erection with her hands.

There was a reason Cupi was known as the succubus with a golden tongue.

As the blonde succubus took care of my dick, Sia’s naked body appeared over my torso. She slowly slid her fire-red pussy down onto my face, and I began to tenderly lick at her while she ran her fingers through my hair. At the same time, I saw Libidine approach the madame and start to caress her petite breasts.

Sia didn’t last very long. Her moans grew louder and louder as I went to town on her pussy until her body finally tensed and she orgasmed against my face. I gave her a final lick, just for fun, and then she stood up with a wobble.

“And then there was one,” Cupi giggled from below. “Always save the best for last, right?”

“Cupiditas!” Sia protested. “I taught you better than that.”

Cupi locked her violet eyes with my own. “Why don’t you two get down here?” she asked the other two succubi. “Then we can have some real fun.”

The thought of all three women pleasuring my cock at the same time made my already-large erection swell intensely.

“Oh my!” Sia gasped when she saw it. “I never realized it could get even bigger!”

Cupi did one final pass at the shaft with her tongue, and then she wrapped her lips around my cock and pushed herself down as far as she could go. At the same time, Libidine and Sia both moved down and sucked on my balls.

The feeling was one of pure ecstasy, and I nearly blew my second load right then and there.

The succubi continued at it for a few more minutes, each one taking turns going down on my dick, until Cupi finally pulled back. The fit woman slowly stood up, and she made sure to let her erect nipples brush against my cock as she did so. Cupi strutted over to the wall on the other side of the room and then bent over so her tight, sexy ass and the throbbing lips of her pussy were on full display. She looked back at me with her intense violet eyes, and I instantly knew what to do.

I got up, moved over to the succubus, and slid my cock into her from behind. Cupi’s body tensed as she braced herself against the wall and took in my entire shaft. I started to pump in and out of the blonde, and she responded with a series of pleasure-filled groans.

“Let us help you with that,” Libidine offered as she and Sia approached.

The busty, raven-haired succubus leaned up against the wall and grabbed Cupi by her golden locks. Liby began to make out with the moaning succubus passionately while she rubbed her slender fingers along her sister’s breasts.

At the same time, Sia reached down and started to rub at Cupi’s clit. The blonde woman stopped groaning, and her sounds of pleasure quickly turned into small, hurried gasps.

I could tell that she was nearing the finish line, and so was I.

I quickened the pace of my thrusts, and Cupi’s gasps grew so loud they nearly threatened to shatter the windows of the bedroom.

“Jacob, I think I’m--” she started, but then her sentence was cut off by a long, loud “oooooohhhhhhh” as she came.

All of the nerve endings in my cock felt like they were stimulated at once, and I unloaded a massive shot of cum into Cupi’s pussy.

I slid out of the succubus, and then I looked around at my three women intensely. All four of us were panting with exhaustion, but we easily could have gone another round or two if we had so desired.

But it was already nearly midnight, and we needed to meet the others early in the morning.

“That was fun,” I said aloud. “We should do that more often.”

“You’ll hear no argument from me, Jacob,” Sia purred. “I quite enjoy getting to know my succubi so … intimately.”

I wrapped my arms around the three women, and then we made our way toward the bed. We threw ourselves down onto the sheets, covered up with the blankets, and passed out instantly.

We had enjoyed ourselves today, but tomorrow?

Tomorrow, we were going to Hell.

Chapter 7

That night, I slept like a baby who’d chugged a whole bottle of Nyquil. Maybe it was the fact that I knew we were venturing into the pits of Hell the next day, or maybe it was just because I was exhausted from the intense love-making from the night before. Either way, it was the most peaceful sleep I’d gotten in weeks.

And then there was Todd.

“Brrroooooooo.” I was awakened by the sound of the imp’s voice in my ear. “Wake up bro. All the girls are here, and they’re waiting for you. What kinda juggalo would you be if you kept your clients waiting?”

“Don’t you mean ‘gigolo?’” I asked as I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes sleepily. “A juggalo is something completely different.”

“Po-tay-to, pot-ah-to,” the imp retorted with a shrug. “Now come on, let’s get down there and get this road trip to Hell goin’!”

The imp giggled mischievously as he ran toward the foot of the queen-sized bed. Once he was a few inches from the ledge, he cartwheeled into the air, spun around, and then smashed into the hardwood floor face-first.

“Oof,” Todd grumbled as he pulled himself back to his feet. “I really gotta work on my tumbling routine.”

“I’d still give you a silver,” I chuckled as I slid over to the side of the bed with the sheet still wrapped around my naked body.

“Hey, second still gets the podium,” the imp said as he turned and walked out of the room. “I’ll take it.”

As soon as Todd was out of my room, I stood up and let the sheet fall down from my body. As I pulled on my boxers and blue jeans, I noticed one of the girls had left a series of hickies all along my chest, and I was sure there were more on my neck.

Oh, well. If that was the price I paid for getting to sleep with three beautiful women at the same time, so be it.

As I sauntered down to the first floor of the farmhouse, I could hear voices chatting loudly from the dining room. When I finally passed through the rustic threshold of the doorway, I saw all six of my succubi were now present and accounted for.

Ira was giggling happily as Elmer told her some story from his youth. Meanwhile, Gula, Tris, and Todd were sitting around a plate of donuts, praising Betty for her culinary skills. Sia, Liby, and Cupi were all leaning up against the far wall, plotting our next move.

“There’s the sleepy head,” Libidine announced when she saw me. “Did you have a good rest?”

“Couldn’t have asked for a better one,” I answered with a knowing wink.

“Maggie here was just telling me about how she won the Arizona Seventh?” Elmer half asked, half explained and then pointed to Gula. “And that little spitfire over there is a master chef?”

I shrugged. “Everybody has their talents,” I said nonchalantly.

Betty put her arm around Tris’ shoulder and grinned. “And this one is as sharp as a tack,” the elderly woman explained. “Even though she likes to pretend she isn’t.”

Tris waved her hand and scoffed. “I have my moments,” she explained. “Usually after I’ve been hitting the--”

I quickly cut off her words with a silent shake of my head. Betty and Elmer were a nice old couple, but I knew they probably wouldn’t approve of us smoking the Devil’s Lettuce.

“The, uh--the gym!” Tris finished with a pained fake smile. “Yup, I sure do love goin’ to the gym. They call me ‘Tris the gym rat’ for a reason.”

“Yer a really lucky man, Jacob,” Elmer chuckled. “You always seem to be surrounded by beautiful, talented women.”

“Can you blame them?” Betty shot back with a chuckle. “Jacob seems to be a real lady’s man. A regular James Dean.”

Todd leaned over and put his hand over the right side of his face. “The thirst is real, bro,” he said amusedly. “Although I don’t know what the breakfast sausage guy’s got to do with any of this.”

“Not--she doesn’t want to fuck me, Todd,” I shot back with a roll of my eyes. “She’s just being friendly.”

“Sure thing, bro,” the imp giggled. “Although I’ve heard getting a blowie from a woman with no teeth is an experience like no other.”

“You really did grow up in the Midwest, didn’t you?” I joked back in a whisper.

“So, Jacob,” Elmer’s voice interrupted our banter, “do ya think you’ll need anything else from us? Me and Betty are about to head out. We’ve gotta date with the casino we just can’t miss!”

“You’ve already done way more than you’ve needed to,” I reassured the old man. “My friends and I appreciate everything that you’ve done for us. Go out and have a fun time at the casino, you’ve earned it.”

Elmer looked over at his wife and gave her a large grin. “Ya hear that, dear?” he laughed.

“Sounds good enough for me,” Betty responded, and then she stood up and hobbled over to the coat hanging on the wall. “We need to get goin’, Elmer. Before the buffet line gets too long.”

My friends and I thanked the elderly couple one last time, and then we followed them out the door. They sauntered over to their beat-up old truck in the garage, brought its sputtering engine to life, and then gave us a happy wave as they drove down their driveway.

“They’re always such a pleasure to be around,” Sia said with a reminiscent smile as she watched them drive away.

“They really are,” Ira agreed. “I can’t believe I tried to murder them the first time we met.”

“Who haven’t you tried to murder?” Gula joked with a snicker. “I bet your list makes one of Paula’s recipes look like a short story.”

“Paula?” I questioned the curvy redhead.

“Dean,” Gula clarified. “We’ve actually become very good friends since I joined that food show.”

“Come on, guys,” I chuckled and motioned for them to follow me to the vehicle. “The Porta ad Inferos isn’t that far away. We can drive most of the way there, but then we’ll have to go on foot for a mile or so.”

“I call shotgun!” Tris exclaimed, and the brunette was at Shadow’s passenger door before anyone else could react.

“No fair!” Todd exclaimed. “Didn’t you know that seat is reserved for the Toddster?”

The succubus shrugged. “I don’t see your name on it.”

“It doesn’t need a sign, Slothy,” Todd explained. “I’ve sat in it so much it’s basically conformed to the shape of my ass. She’s not gonna like it if somebody else’s rump is smooshed up against her. It’d feel like a violation.”

“Todd,” Cupi said as she placed her hand reassuringly on the imp’s head, “I figured you’d just fly with us. Sia and Jacob are the only ones without wings, so they have to take the car. The rest of us are going to fly out and meet Jacob there.”

“Ya know,” Tris said as she made a noise like a deflating balloon, “I totally would, but my, uh, the goiter in my right wing is acting up right now. I should probably just ride in the Jeep.”

Superbia raised an eyebrow at the Sister of Sloth. “Your goiter?” she questioned. “Aren’t those normally located in your neck?”

“Yup, yeah, totally,” Tris lied as she slid into the passenger seat of the Jeep. “That’s why I can’t fly right now.”

The rest of the succubi rolled their eyes at Tristitia’s words, but nobody said a word of protest.

Finally, Todd turned to Cupi. “I guess I’m flying,” he sighed. “Is there any room left on Bodacious Blonde Airlines?”

Cupi gave him a smirk and held her hands out wide. “First class, or coach?” she joked.

“I’m no rich fuddy-duddy,” Todd said with feigned offense in his voice. The imp scurried over and hopped on the back of the succubus just as her wings sprouted forth with a flash of purple. “Coach all the way, baby!”

There was another gleam of purple Hellfire as Ira, Liby, and Gulas’ wings all popped out of their backs.

Even though I’d seen them what felt like a million times before, I still couldn’t help but marvel at the majestic appendages that rested on the succubi’s back. Each pair of wings was similar, but slightly different, almost as if they were a visual fingerprint that identified their wearer.

Cupi was a fallen angel, she had the stereotypical feathery wings you saw in all the drawings and all the works of fiction that featured the heavenly creatures. The only difference was that, instead of being pure white and pristine, the feathers on her wings were a deep, weathered black.

Meanwhile, Libidine’s wings looked straight-up like a bat’s. They had a lanky, hand-like frame running all the way through, and their texture reminded me of a fleshy leather. At the tip of each wing sat a large, curved talon.

Ira and Gulas’ wings also looked like those of a bat, but with subtle differences. The Sister of Wrath had a wingspan nearly three times the size of her body, and each appendage had what looked like a jagged, upside-down mountain at their bottoms.

Gula, on the other hand, seemed to have standard demon wings. Hers were more circular in nature, and their tips came up over her head to form an upward-facing “C.” On top of all this, the Sister of Gluttony's wings looked much shinier than her sisters, as if they had just been painted with a fresh coat of paint.

“Yo, loverboy,” Tris’ voice called out from inside the vehicle. “Are you gonna keep staring, or are we gonna hit the road?”

“Now, Tristitia,” Sia reminded her sister from the back seat, “don’t be rude. Jacob is literally headed toward the Gates of Hell just to save our sister. If he wants to spend a few minutes eyeing the rest of the group, we should let him.”

The succubus’ soft, purring voice snapped me out of my trance, and I headed over toward the driver’s seat. “We’ll meet you guys there,” I promised the rest of the group.

I hopped into the vehicle, kicked on the ignition, and then put it into gear. At the same time, I saw the four other succubi take a running start and catapult themselves into the sky. They headed north of the Edisons’ property, toward the location we’d discovered where the Porta ad Inferos was the first time.

By land, it was going to take us slightly longer, but we didn’t mind. It wasn’t like we were on a time crunch or anything, and it was actually extremely peaceful driving through the countryside this early in the morning. The three of us headed north on the wheels of Shadow. For this particular trip, we had to go off-road, onto a tiny dirt pathway that just barely fit the width of our vehicle.

“This feels somewhat like déjà vu,” Sia muttered from behind me. “I never thought we’d come back to this place. At least, not for more than a friendly visit with Elmer and Betty.”

“Superbia?” Tris asked curiously. “What exactly about this situation makes you feel like Beelzebub’s succubus?”

“No, no,” Sia corrected with a laugh. “Déjà vu the psychological sensation, not the succubus.”

“Wait,” I said in surprise. “Beelzebub has succubi?”

“He’s a demon lord, Jacob,” Sia explained. “They all have their own harem of succubi.”

Tris looked over at me curiously from the passenger seat. “We’re all based on the seven deadly sins, but Beelzie, that’s what I call him, ‘Beelzie,’ has a harem that’s all based off scientific shit,” the brunette added.

“Psychological phenomenon,” Sia corrected, “but close enough. Déjà vu is one of his most powerful as she has the power of foresight.”

“Sounds badass,” I joked. “I hope we get to meet her someday.”

“If Beelzebub is still trying to follow through with his and Uriel’s plan, then you just might.” The madame sighed. “However, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, we need to keep our sights aimed on Azazel and saving Invidia.”

Sia was right. As much as I wanted to dive in and discuss our new, deadly enemy, we had to focus. Save Invidia now, worry about the potentially world-ending threat later.

Thus was the life of Ralston.

We continued up the path for a few more minutes until we finally got to the spot where the vehicle could go no further. The three of us exited the Jeep, and Sia made a beeline to the hatch on the back.

The redhead popped down the hatch and gagged. “How does Todd find anything in here?” she said with a loud sigh. “There’s no rhyme or reason to any of this organization. Is that a half-eaten bagel I see over there?”

“Let me try,” Tris offered as she sauntered over. “To find something of Todd’s, you gotta think like Todd.”

The brunette succubus crouched down so she was roughly the height of the imp, and then she put her hands on her hips comically. Her eyes narrowed as she surveyed the mess in the back of the Jeep.

“There’s a lot of shit in here, bro,” she said with a deeper voice that was supposed to be Todd’s. “I really hope I can find my vintage Playboys I left in here. I’m gonna need a release after this is all done, if you get my drift.”

“That’s actually not a half-bad impression,” I chuckled. “Todd would be proud.”

“I dunno, bro,” she continued. “I just--aha!”

Tris’ slender arm shot out into the pile of clutter and then returned with an old, red, leather-bound book.

Todd’s book of Vatican Magic.

“See?” Tris shrugged. “That wasn’t so hard.”

“You’re a lifesaver, Tristitia,” I said as I put my arm around her and pulled her in close. “It would have taken us an hour to find that thing if it wasn’t for you.”

“Don’t mention it, dude,” the brunette giggled. “That’s what I’m here for. I--”

Tris’ words were swiftly cut off by the sound of my phone ringing in my pocket. I fumbled around in my pocket, pulled out the small device, and answered.

“I got some bad news for you, bro,” Todd’s voice explained on the other line. “The girls and I just did a quick fly-by of the portal, and we’ve got company.”

“Company?” I echoed as my heart sank into my stomach.

“There’s a bunch of those little black and red demons down there, bro,” the imp continued. “It looks like they were waiting for us.”

I put my hand over the speaker of the phone and looked back at Sia and Tris. “The fucking Daeva are here,” I explained. “Get ready for a fight.”

“Dude,” Tris explained as she pulled a doobie out of her pocket and lit it with Hellfire, “I was born ready. Let’s go kick their asses.”

I pulled the phone back to my ear. “We’re only a few minutes out on foot, Todd,” I explained. “Could you ask the other girls to maybe give us a lift?”

“Already on it, broseph,” Todd giggled. “In fact, you guys look like tiny ants from up here!”

I looked up into the sky and saw Ira, Cupi, Gula, and Liby float into view. The succubi gently descended, and then I felt Cupiditas’ tight body press up against my back.

“Cupi Express, now boarding,” she giggled into my ear as she lifted me up off the ground.

At the same time, Ira grabbed Sia and Todd repositioned himself onto Cupi’s back. Tris, however, just stood there with her arms folded.

“Come on, Tris,” Gula huffed. “You have your own wings. Am I really gonna have to carry you?”

“Goiter,” the brunette shot back. “Doctor says I can’t fly on it for a week.”

“Fine,” the fiery redhead exclaimed.

In one quick motion, Gula zipped around, grabbed Tris by the ankles, and then yanked her up into the sky upside down. “You wanna act like a toddler?” she continued. “I’ll carry you like a toddler!”

“Put me down!” Tris demanded. “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“What?” I heard Gula cackle from above. “I’ve heard gravity does wonders for goiters.”

“Fucking Hell,” Ira whistled from beside us. “Remind me to get on Gula’s bad side. Like, first thing when we get back. I get the feeling she and my sub side would get along really well.”

Our airborne group soared through the morning sky, toward the Porta ad Inferos.

“How did they know we’d be coming?” I pondered aloud. “Do you think Beelzebub tipped them off?”

“Maybe,” Cupi explained over the noise of the wind. “Déjà vu might have foreseen our trip to Hell.”

“Doubtful,” Sia interjected. “Beelzebub is somewhat old school. His succubi aren’t allowed to leave Hell without their pimp, and they would rather die than stay on Earth Realm. More than likely, they got this intel from Uriel before he perished. Who knows how long they’ve been posted here.”

Fuck. Even after the Archangel’s death, Uriel’s betrayal was still rippling through our lives.

When we finally found the clearing which housed the old well that led to the Porta ad Inferos, I saw what the succubi had warned me about.

Below stood a large crowd of at least fifty Daeva, all of which surely were members of Beelzebub’s Army of the Dejected. The demons made the sound of mocking cheers and whistles when they saw us up in the sky, beckoning us to come down and fight.

Unfortunately for them, I was in the mood for a good battle.

“Alright,” I addressed my friends. “Quick plan. Liby, you and Tris handle crowd control from above. Gula, Ira, and Cupi, I want you on the ground with me. Sia and Todd? You guys kill these little bastards however you see fit.”

“You want me to improv?” Todd asked excitedly. “The Toddster approves.”

“How the hell am I supposed to be crowd control when I’m upside down?” Tris whined.

“Oh yeah,” Gula grunted. “We need to fix that. Liby, catch!”

“Wait--” Tris protested, but she was cut off when her sister heaved her up into the air.

The brunette succubus flailed wildly in the air for a moment as she fell. Then, the empty-handed Libidine dashed over, snatched the succubus in her hands, and adjusted her grip so Tris’ hands were free.

“There,” Liby chuckled. “Now that you’ve got your hands and feet in the upright position, you can be my turret.”

“Yikes,” Todd whistled. “Turrets is no joke, Lib. I knew a guy once who had turrets, and he couldn’t stop swearing to save his life. He even made up his own! What I wanna know is how the fuck do you turn Mr. Tanner into an expletive?”

“I’ve seen the video, Todd,” I chuckled. “Everybody who was alive in the early two-thousands has. Now, if we could get back on topic … let’s kick some Daeva ass.”

Ira, Cupi, and Gula shot down into a small patch of grass just off to the left, one of the few parts of the clearing that wasn’t filled with the little red and black devils.

The second we hit the ground, every single one of the bastards craned their neck around so their full attention was on us. The air of the clearing was filled with dozens of inhuman hisses that mingled together and echoed through the trees as one. Dark brown soil was kicked up by the creatures’ claws as they charged at us with the intent of tearing us limb from limb.

That sure as fuck wasn’t going to happen.

Todd hopped off Cupi’s back and summoned red Hellfire into his hands. “Alright tough guys,” he said in his best Mr. Mom voice. “You wanna get nuts? Come on, let’s get nuts!”

The imp somersaulted forward through the air, releasing a handful of tiny fireballs as he did so. A few of the projectiles struck the charging Daeva, but they did little more than cause them to stumble backward.

“These guys have thick skin, remember?” Cupi growled as she pulled her collapsable polearm from her belt. “We’re gonna have to hit them way harder than that.”

“That’s why I’m here, Sister,” Gula said with a grin.

The curvy redhead held her hand behind her head and summoned forth her massive, double-sided battle axe engulfed in Hellfire. Without missing a beat, she charged forward and swung the weapon. A large shockwave of red Hellfire shot across the landscape and knocked all of the Daeva on the front lines onto their asses. The second they were on the ground, Gula closed the gap, raised the blunt end of her axe over her head, and brought it down onto her nearest enemy.

There was a loud, sickly crunch as the small demon’s bones were ground into dust and his organs were squeezed out of his sides like a tube of toothpaste. Another handful of Daeva leapt at Gula, but she quickly dispersed them with a swing of her axe.

“Holy fuck, that’s hot,” I heard Ira’s voice muse from beside me. “I wanna be bludgeoned to death with that massive warhammer. It’s almost as big as yours, Jacob. Almost.”

I looked over and saw Ira had used her mirror magic to split up into her two separate forms. The first was her sub who wore a leather collar around her neck complete with a bright red ball gag. On her forehead sat a black blindfold, complemented by her thigh-high fishnet stockings and pointy, dagger-like high heels.

Right next to the sub was Ira’s Dom half. This half of the Sister of Wrath was clad in a skin-tight leather corset, with flecks of melted wax all over her exposed skin. In the succubus’ right hand sat a whip of pure red Hellfire whose base was made up of her own arm bone.

“Catch me if you can!” the sub giggled and ran straight for the Daeva.

The creatures were on her in an instant, and she did nothing to parry their blows. Daeva hisses of glee rang out as they tore at the sub’s flesh, but their noises were quickly drowned out by the succubus’ orgasmic moans. There was a flash of golden Hellfire as the Sub healed herself, and then she knocked a bunch of the little guys away with a gout of scarlet flames.

At the same time, the Dom charged into another wave of the creatures. “Let’s see how thick that hide of yours really is, you sick little puppy,” she challenged her attackers.

The Dom tossed out her turquoise acidic Hellfire in an arching tidal wave of death. Her spell struck a handful of the Daeva, and they yelped in pain as the outermost layer of their flesh was singed away. Before they could respond, Ira’s Dom half lashed out with her whip. It struck one of the Daeva square in the chest, and the tip of the enchanted weapon punched through his heart like it was made of tissue paper.

“Heads up, Todd!” I exclaimed as I raised an enchanted green hand.

One of the little assholes had leapt at Todd, his claws ready to tear the stoner imp limb from limb. Not on my watch.

A tiny portal of green Hellfire appeared in front of the Daeva’s trajectory, and his body disappeared into the abyss. I reopened the portal right about twenty feet above my body, and then I whipped out my goat-headed dagger, enchanted it with red Hellfire, and held it up over my head like the Statue of Liberty. The Daeva’s body landed directly on my blade, and I felt the warm splash of blackish-red blood spray across my face.

I tossed the dead demon to the side and readied for my next opponent.

“You know,” Cupi called out from across the battlefield, “now would be a great time to use your new powers!”

The fit blonde succubus was completely surrounded by Daeva, but she was holding her own just fine. Cupi was knocking her attackers away with her polearm as well as rapid blasts of red Hellfire, and the stunned bodies were flying in the air like bowling pins.

Another wave of the black-and-red demons was rapidly approaching, and I had to do my best to focus on my Hellfire of judgment without losing sight of the battle at hand. I thought about all the injustice these assholes stood for. How they were servants of Beelzebub, the Demon King who wanted to challenge Lucifer and the Exalted One in order to burn everything down and take over for himself.

As these thoughts flitted through my head, I could feel the power of bronze Hellfire engulf my left hand. At the same time, a dull throbbing sensation hit my temples, and I let out a primal scream as I charged forward. Once I was a few feet away from the Daeva, I leapt into the air. I came down just behind the little bastards, and I slammed my enchanted hand into the ground. The resulting shockwave sent at least ten of the demons into the air.

As the Daeva hit the height of their ascent, there was a rapid succession of gunfire, and their bodies were riddled with Tris’ bullets. Liby and the Sister of Sloth zipped by overhead, and Tris gave me a playful salute.

However, I couldn’t savor my victory for too long. Three more demons charged at me, and I instinctively lashed out at them with my flaming sword.

The blade sent the bastards tumbling backwards, but it did little damage. Their skin was just too thick.

Or was it?

I thought back to what Cupi had told me about the bronze Hellfire of judgment. She said it worked by causing the atoms of its target to vibrate. She also had said the possibilities for this type of magic were endless, and I was about to test that theory.

I reached out with an enchanted bronze hand and blasted the Daeva nearest to me. He shrieked as his body was caught by the attack, and his entire figure became blurry as every molecule in his body shook back and forth at the speed of light. Instantly, I swung my blade at his neck, and his head flew off his shoulders and landed with a wet plop on the ground.

I whipped around and blasted the next Daeva with the bronze spell. This time, I stabbed my blade longways through his forehead. His brain matter shot out the back of his head and covered the ground with gore. A third attacker took a swing at my intestines with his razor-sharp claws, but I quickly knocked his blow away with a well-placed shield of purple Hellfire. I spun around, pumped him full of the bronze spell, and sliced his body neatly in half.

The demon’s innards plopped onto the grass like a pile of gory ice-cream, and I turned around to see if my friends needed any assistance.

Sia’s black Hellfire of fear shot past my position and grabbed a small group of Daeva. The black-and-red demons were lifted up into the air as they kicked and flailed for breath. Within seconds, the bastards’ eyes rolled back in their heads as they suffocated to death. Sia released her spell, and the Daeva fell into a heap of dead bodies.

I guess she was doing fine on her own.

There were only a handful of the Dejected left, and they were mostly focused on Gula and Iras’ two halves. The three succubi were back-to-back, fighting off their attackers with their weapons and the occasional blast of red or turquoise Hellfire.

Meanwhile, Todd was engaged in one-on-one combat with one of the tiny creatures. They were both rolling around on the ground like a pair of toddlers squabbling over a toy they both wanted. Todd was slapping the Daeva in the face with his fire-enchanted hands, all while the evil demon grunted and swung at Todd with his fists. He may have been locked in a stalemate with his opponent, but the imp was doing fine.

I dashed over to Cupiditas, who was still engaged with what I assumed were the same demons from before. “Need a hand?” I asked playfully as I approached and called forth my bronze magic.

“I thought you’d never ask,” she chuckled and spin-kicked away a member of the Daeva.

I cast my spell onto the first two Daeva in my path, and their bodies went blurry. “Take ‘em out, Cupi!” I ordered.

Cupiditas spun around and jabbed the pointy end of her polearm into one of the little bastards’ heads as she blasted the second with Hellfire at point-blank range. He screamed as his flesh melted from his face and turned into a puddle of gore and mushy marrow.

While her back was turned, another attacker dashed toward the succubus and prepared to gut her from behind. I threw up a small wall of purple Hellfire to repel his attack, and then I surrounded the demon’s entire body in a flaming violet cube. Without even a moment’s hesitation, I slammed the four walls of the prison together and turned his body into a mushy heap.

Just as we were about to take out the final two Daeva, Liby and Tris swooped by, and their bodies were turned into swiss cheese by enchanted bullets. They fell to the ground, dead, and I turned to survey the rest of the battlefield.

Gula and Ira’s two halves were now standing amongst a pile of crumpled Daeva bodies, and they were hugging each other in celebration.

Sia looked completely uninterested in the battle as she approached our position. Behind the succubus madame laid a pile of black-and-red bodies with their eyes rolled back in their heads and their tongues hanging out of their mouths.

Liby landed beside us and released Tris, who blew the smoke away from her guns’ barrels seductively. The brunette succubus shot me a wink, and then she checked the action on both her pistols.

That just left Todd, who was still struggling to kill the final Daeva.

“Todd!” I exclaimed. “Get him airborne, and we’ll take him out!”

“Oh, sure!” I heard the imp argue back sarcastically. “Let me just do that for you.” Todd and the Daeva continued to struggle as the rest of us looked on in amusement.

“Should--should we help him?” Liby finally asked.

“Probably,” I sighed. “I wanted to give the Toddster his big hero moment, but I guess I’ll have to handle it.”

I summoned forth emerald Hellfire into my left hand and took aim at the black-and-red demon. Instantly, his small body was engulfed by the spell, and I raised him up into the air to go for the killing blow.

There was a flash of brilliant white light, and the Daeva’s body exploded like a balloon filled with gristle and guts.

“Holy shit, bro,” Todd panted from the ground. “You can blow shit up with your mind now? That’s fucking badass. Almost as badass as--”

“I didn’t do that, Todd,” I said as my hands tightened into fists. “We’re not alone.”

“You’re never alone, Jacob,” a familiar voice said softly.

After a tense moment, a tall figure stepped through the trees. He was wearing a flowing white robe that was tied off at the waist by a braided rope. His long, black locks flowed in the wind, and he sported a small beard on his face.

It was the Archangel Raphael.

“Good morning, my friends,” he said with a grin. “I hoped I’d find you here. We need to talk urgently.”

Chapter 8

“Oh, hey Raphael … ” I said as cautiously as I could.

The succubi had told me a mortal traveling to Hell was one of the biggest offenses one could commit in the eyes of the Exalted One, and one of his Archangels had just caught us in the act. I needed to proceed carefully.

“I’m glad I found you,” Raphael sighed. “Do you have any idea how hard it was to find this place? I know we’ve been out here before, but the Edisons’ property isn’t charted on any sort of map. I’ve been looking for you for the last hour.”

“Why didn’t you just use a GPS, Raphey?” Todd asked curiously. “That’s how we got out here the first time.”

“A global positioning system?” the Archangel scoffed. “Why would I voluntarily give my position away to anyone with satellite access? My intel told me there were Daeva swarming this place. That’s just poor military tactic.”

“A worse tactic than getting lost in the woods and arriving once the battle was already over?” Cupi snarked.

“I am the one who ended the battle,” Raph said proudly. “I think I deserve a little bit of credit.”

“Credit for killing one Daeva?” the fit blonde succubus argued. “We took out nearly fifty before you got here!”

Superbia put her hand on Cupi’s shoulder tenderly. “Relax, Cupiditas,” she tried to calm her sister down. “There is no need to be upset.”

Cupi crossed her arms and grunted. “If you were so on top of things, then why didn’t you reach out and warn us about the Army of the Dejected?” she asked accusingly.

“I tried,” Raph said with a shrug. “Unfortunately, my prepaid phone is out of minutes. I didn’t have a chance to stop by the store and purchase more.”

“Minutes?” Todd snickered. “Please don’t tell me you have one of those ‘pay as you go, twenty cents a text message’ plans.”

The Archangel raised an eyebrow at the imp. “I wish it only cost twenty cents to send a text message,” he scoffed. “Mine normally cost a full dollar. They are quite thorough.”

“If they’re that long, why don’t you just send an e-mail?” I questioned the dark-haired man.

Raphael glanced over at me for a second as he took in what I said. Then, he threw his head back and laughed.

“E-mail?” he said through his bellows. “On a phone? That’ll be the day. Everybody knows the best way to send an e-mail is through Outlook. I recently upgraded to the ninety-seven version, and it makes my old program look like molasses on a cold day.”

“Outlook … Nintey-seven?” Todd giggled. “Do you have your computer hooked up to one of those modems that won’t let you use the phone when it’s turned on?”

“Actually, no,” Raph said rather boastfully. “I have a software program on my desktop that allows me to answer the phone through the computer’s microphone. It’s been revolutionary.”

Todd grabbed his sides and fell over as he cackled loudly. The imp then rolled over and beat his fists into the ground gleefully.

“Why are you here, Raphael?” Cupi finally spoke up. “Surely you’re here to bust us?”

“Bust you?” the Archangel asked curiously. “For what?”

“Bust us,” I lied quickly. “Like … bust our balls.”

“Ohhhhh,” Ira’s dom moaned. “That’s one of my favorite positions.”

Raphael’s eyes widened in horror as he looked at the succubus. “I--no!” he promised. “I would never even dream of--”

“It’s okay, Raphey,” Todd interjected. “It’s the twenty-first century. What you and Uriel did in the bedroom is your own business.”

“Uriel and I were not--” Raph began to protest, but then his train of thought returned to its original destination. “Uriel is the reason I am here.”

My heart sank into my stomach as all the different possibilities raced through my mind. Did Uriel have another clone we didn’t finish off? Was he about to be resurrected by Beelzebub? We really didn’t need any extra confrontations right now.

Sia must have sensed my nervousness because she stepped forward to address the Archangel. “Do tell,” she said with a smile and a nod.

“You are a man of many firsts, Jacob Ralston,” Raph explained. “You were the first mortal to harness the powers of both Heaven and Hell. You were also the first mortal to ever defeat Azazel in one-on-one combat. Now, there is another first to add to the list. An Archangel has never died before, Jacob. Many angels have perished, and those of the highest order have certainly been injured in battle, but no Archangel has ever died before.”

Now I was really confused. “So, wait--you came all the way out here to do what? Just to congratulate me?”

Raphael shook his head. “I’m afraid not, Jacob,” he sighed. “Due to the nature of this event, you and your friends have been requested to come before the Council of the Exalted.”

“The Council of the Exalted?” I questioned the Archangel. “Is that, like, God’s personal board of trustees?”

“You could say that.” Raph shrugged. “They’re more like a small group of decision makers, tasked with hearing arguments from both sides of a story.”

Todd popped back up to his feet, raised a finger into the air, and narrowed his eyes with suspicion. “Wait a minute,” he observed. “That sounds an awful lot like a trial, bro.”

“Todd,” the Archangel chuckled. “If it were a trial, I would tell you it’s a trial. The council just wants to ask you a few questions about Uriel’s death, that’s all.”

“Will there be other people present?” Todd pushed the issue further.

“Just a few,” Raph admitted. “Raguel, the Archangel of Justice, will be presiding over the whole affair, and there will be various angels present as spectators.”

“So … like a trial?” I tried to confirm.

Raph held up his hands. “No no no,” he reassured us, “not a trial. Just a little Q&A session.”

“Will we have representation?” Sia chimed in. “Or will we have to represent ourselves?”

The Archangel went silent and stared at the ground for a moment. “ … Yes,” he finally admitted. “Raguel has appointed you with a mortal representative named Adreus. He’s quite good, actually.”

Todd gasped and pointed at Raphael in shock. “Aha!” he exclaimed. “So it is a trial!”

“What happens if they don’t like our answers?” I continued.

Raph looked me in the eyes and let out a long, defeated sigh. “Then you get locked up in the House of the Fallen,” he admitted.

Todd scurried over to a large tree stump, hoisted himself up onto it, and began to rant.

“The Toddster will not be put on trial, bro!” he exclaimed. “I’ve never let The Man hold me down here on Earth, and I’m sure as fuck not going to let him hold me down in Heaven, either. Besides, we can’t be put on trial. The rules of your district don’t fall within our jurisdiction!”

“Todd,” Raph chuckled, “the rules of the Exalted One are universal.”

“Well, the rules are broken as shit!” Todd argued back. “Maybe it’s time for me and the rest of my brethren to rise up and take back our universe!”

“Uh … Todd?” Libidine whispered to the imp.

“Not now, Lib,” he blew off the succubus. “I’m trying to fight for freedom here! Now where was I? Oh yes, the revolution. Our revolution will not be televised, but it will be glorious!”

“Todd!” I hissed at my friend.

“What, bro?” he scoffed. “I’m in the middle of my stump speech.”

“You’re going a little bit too radical here,” I warned. “I know you hate ‘The Man--’”

“And with good reason,” Todd interrupted. “If it wasn’t for him, John Lennon would still be alive.”

“You’re starting to sound like Uriel did back on that hilltop,” I ignored his protest. “We’re trying to look innocent here, and not like a group of demons staging a revolution. That’s no bueno.”

Todd thought about my words for a moment, and then he nodded in agreement. “Fine,” he conceded. “I’ll have to postpone the revolution for another day. But we’re not going to trial!”

“I agree,” I said as I looked back at the Archangel. “We’re in the middle of an important mission right now. We can’t take the time to go up to Heaven and participate in a trial that could last lord knows how long.”

“You can’t run from this forever,” Raphael sighed. “There is literally nowhere on this Earth you can hide from the Exalted One and his angels.”

“Oh, I know,” I said, maybe a little too slyly. “We’ll get up there eventually.” I did my best to reassure the Archangel. “We promise.”

Raph raised an eyebrow curiously. “Promise?” he asked with skepticism in his voice.

“Sure thing,” I lied and turned to the succubi. “Right guys?”

The women of the group all responded with different variations of “yes,” “sure,” “of course,” and “we promise.” It must have been enough to satisfy the Archangel, because he nodded in agreement.

“Alright,” he caved. “I’ll let them know you intend to partake in the Q&A session once this mission is done. They might be angry, but they love me, so they won’t do anything.”

“How could anyone not?” Cupi muttered sarcastically.

“Speaking of your mission,” Raph continued, “what is it, and why has it brought you all the way out to the location of the Battle of Hell’s Gate?”

“Uh--” I stalled as I tried to think of a lie.

“Elmer was sick,” Sia finally spoke up. “He was really sick, and we decided to come out here so I could restore him to full health with my magic.”

“You came all the way out here to save a mortal man?” Raph asked.

“We were in the area already for this mission,” Gula now spoke up. “Think of it as killing two birds with one stone.”

“The final member of the Seventy-Two Servants is dead,” the Archangel stated with a tilt of his head. “What business could you possibly have out here?”

“Well geez!” Todd interjected with an annoyed tone in his voice. “Way to ruin the surprise, bro.”

Raph looked at Todd curiously. “Surprise?” he questioned.

“Yeah, bro,” the imp continued his fib. “We wanted to see if Elmer and Betty would sell us part of their land so we could build a retreat for religious people. Ya know, taking a horrific place and turning it into something nice? We figured it’d be a good ‘thank you’ to the angels for all the help they’ve given us.”

“Wow.” Raph grinned. “How thoughtful of you! I cannot wait to tell the others.”

“Shhhh,” Todd reiterated as he put his finger over his mouth. “It’s a surprise, remember?”

“Ah.” Raph nodded and mirrored Todd’s action. “I won’t say a word, then. But please do hurry. The Council of the Exalted doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”

“We’ll hit you up the second we’re done,” I fake promised. “Just make sure you have minutes on your phone!”

Raph guffawed, and then he turned and started to walk away. A few strides in, he turned back and looked at us over his shoulder. “You always were the comedian, Jacob,” he laughed. “And to think, I thought you were going to do something foolish, like use the Porta ad Inferos.”

“Whaaaaat?” Todd scoffed. “Never, bro.”

“I look forward to hearing from you soon,” Raphael nodded, and then he outstretched his hands and was engulfed by a brilliant white light. Seconds later, the Archangel was gone.

“That was close,” I laughed nervously. “Way, waaay too close.”

“One thing’s for sure,” Libidine sighed as she stepped toward the medium-sized well that stood before us, “once we do this, there’s no going back.”

“Libidine is right,” Sia added and walked up to join her sister. “Mortals are forbidden from entering Hell through any channel other than death. If you thought you had a target on your back before, Jacob, this will make you public enemy number one for both Heaven and Hell.”

“It’s the only way we can rescue Invidia,” Cupiditas protested. “There is no other option. We’re here. We have the spell book. We’re doing this.”

“Cupi’s right.” I nodded to the madame. “We already came all this way. It’d be ridiculous to flake out now. Okay, so once word gets out that I’ve gone to Hell and back, I’ll have every paranormal entity in the universe gunning for me. So what? We haven’t faced an enemy yet we haven’t been able to defeat. And besides, if this mission is successful, we’ll be one succubus stronger.”

“It’s do or die, bro,” Todd interjected, “and the Toddster has no intention of dying today. I already know exactly how I’m gonna go out, with a bong in my left hand and the TV remote in my right. Or maybe my schlong. It all depends on if I’ll need boner pills when I’m six-hundred years old.”

“Todd … ” Libidine explained. “A demonic imp’s lifespan, unlike true demons who can only die if killed, is two-hundred years optimistically. If you think--”

“Shhhhhhhh,” the imp cut her off. “Let a guy dream, will ya?”

I sauntered over to Liby and Sia and put my arms around their shoulders. “No matter what happens in the coming days or months or years, we’ll face it together,” I reassured the succubi. “We’re a kick-ass team, and we’ll conquer any challenge, whether it be from the Demonic or the Divine.”

“Ever the optimist,” Libidine chuckled. “That’s why we love you so much, Jacob.”

“Really?” Todd asked curiously. “I always thought it was his horse-like cock? You girls make jokes about it all the time.”

I heard Gula let out a bashful giggle from behind, and Libidine looked down at the ground coyly.

“Well, that too,” she said playfully. “That definitely makes it a lot easier.”

“As much as I’d love to stand around and talk about Jacob’s cock all day long,” Cupi interjected, “we need to think about starting this spell. It’s not going to be easy, and the slightest misfire in its casting could cause some very, very bad things to happen.”

“Then let’s grab the book and get started.” I nodded in agreement. “We left it back at the Jeep.”

“I’ll get it!” Gula exclaimed happily, and then she backflipped into the air and flew off into the sky. “Be back quicker than a caffeinated jackrabbit.”

“Is that a thing people say?” I asked aloud as the redhead soared off toward our vehicle.

Todd just shrugged. “I dunno, bro,” he admitted. “I’m still trying to catch up with the lingo from ten years ago. Did you know people say the word ‘dope’ now even when it has nothing to do with drugs? I tried to buy some pot off some kids a few years ago because they kept saying they were ‘dope.’ Their parents were not very happy.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t because you were a twenty-something dude with unkempt hair and a goatee who was hanging around a playground?” I shot back with a raised eyebrow. “Stranger Danger and all that.”

Todd crossed his tiny arms across his chest. “Bro, you joke,” he chortled, “but those swings in the park were fucking therapeutic. Sometimes, those things would get me higher than the best weed in the state ever could. Those parents had nothing to be worried about. I only pushed a kid off once, and that was because he kept asking me where my great dane was and saying ‘ruh-roh’ every time I came close.”

“He totally deserved it,” I lied through a snort and then turned to the other succubi. “Before Gula gets back with the book, what exactly do we need to do to prepare for this spell? Is it a blood ritual, or a chanting spell, or what?”

“It’s … complicated,” Cupi sighed. “We’re going to have to do two different casts, one to open the portal, and the other to split and merge our souls. Sia and I were trying to interpret them on the drive out here, and it seems like one is mostly a hex and the other requires us to blend our DNA.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Todd protested. “If that means you guys are gonna have a massive orgy out here in the middle of the woods, count me out. Nobody’s gettin’ their DNA all up in the Toddster.”

“I was thinking strands of hair,” Cupi chuckled, “though your idea would be much more fun.”

“On second thought,” the imp sighed, “I’m sorry I said anything at all.”

The shadow of Gula appeared over the grass of the clearing as the beating of her massive wings rang out in the air. The curvy redhead fluttered down to an empty spot on the clearing, strutted over to me, and handed me the dusty old book.

“Thanks, Gula.” I smiled at the Sister of Gluttony. “You really were faster than a caffeinated jackrabbit.”

“In more ways than one.” The succubus winked. “But you already know that, right?”

“Well, not that fast,” I flirted back. “You take time to simmer. You are a redhead, after all.”

“Brrrroooooo,” Todd said with a roll of his eyes. “Less flirty-flirty, more spelly-spelly. The longer you two stand there and give each other the ‘fuck me’ eyes, the longer it’ll be before we’re all back at the mansion, lounging around watching Bigfoot Detective.”

“I second that,” Tris said as she pointed her finger at the imp and nodded. “I’d hate to miss our favorite show. There’s a new episode out this week where some dude in West Virginia claims he caught a sasquatch on his cell phone camera. I totally don’t want to miss that!”

“Now see?” Ira chimed in coyly. “We certainly can’t have Tris and Todd missing their documentary, now can we?”

Cupiditas stepped forward, snatched the book of spells out of my hands, and then began to rustle through the pages.

“While Cupi’s searching for our spell, we need to devise a strategy,” Sia declared as she took the lead on the situation. “Jacob and Todd are going to have to transverse through four Circles of Hell, each one with its own dangers. The First Circle isn’t too bad, but the second and the third contain deadly obstacles few have ever gotten past.”

“Like Vermis the Devil Worm.” Libidine shuddered. “He’s the guardian of the Third Circle, as well as the Circle’s main tormentor of souls.”

“Oh yeahhhh,” Todd mused. “I read about that thing. It’s like one of the sandworms from Beetlejuice, isn’t it?”

The Toddster spun around, morphed into the movie’s titular character, and threw out his arms playfully. “Sandworms … I hate ‘em myself!” he exclaimed.

“No, no, dude,” Tris explained. “I watched that movie like, twenty times when I went on my little Earthly adventure. Those things are adorable and charming. Vermis has razor-sharp teeth and giant horns on top of his head.”

“Horns, got it.” Todd spun around and turned back into himself. “So more like Tremors.”

“Oh god,” I laughed. “The less we talk about that, the better.”

“Don’t you dare insult that cinematic masterpiece, bro,” Todd warned with an extended finger. “If we’re doing Tremors, then I get to be Kevin Bacon. Jakey can be Fred Ward, Sia can be Reba McEntire, Cupi can be Ariana Richards, and Gula can be Finn Carter!”

There was a silence as we all stared at the imp.

“Todd, I don’t know any of those names other than Kevin Bacon,” I admitted.

The imp crossed his arms and clicked his tongue. “You uncultured swine,” he joked. “How did I ever become best friends with somebody who doesn’t even know the cast of Tremors?”

“Well, Kevin Bacon or not, it sounds like we need to figure out how to take down this giant Vermis creature if we want to make it to Azazel,” I observed. “Does he have any weaknesses?”

“Well he’s a giant worm, so he probably eats shit,” Todd observed. “That’s gotta be something.”

Sia let out a long sigh. “None that we know of,” she explained. “If Vermis had any sort of weakness, then somebody would have been able to defeat him long ago.”

“What about Dante?” I asked curiously. “He made it through all nine circles, right? How did he get past Vermis?”

“I don’t know,” Sia admitted. “I would imagine he snuck past or used non-violent methods.”

“Laaaaaaammmmmmmeeeeee,” Todd called out with his hands cupped over his mouth. “It ain’t a Todd and Jakey adventure unless the baddie gets his guts splattered all over the landscape.”

“There it is!” Cupi interrupted as she slapped her finger down on a page of the book. “The spell that will open the gates of Hell for us.”

“Casting a spell seems like soooo much work.” Tris sighed. “Why can’t we just hop on into the well? It’d be like an interdimensional waterslide!”

Ira, Cupi, and Sia all looked at their sister, completely dumbfounded.

“There are … many reasons, Tristitia,” Sia said as she facepalmed.

Ira patted Sia on the shoulder. “I’ll take it from here, Superbia,” she promised the madame. “I was the one who originally led us all out here, after all. The first issue is Jacob was born of the mortal world. As soon as his skin touched the fiery inferno of the portal down below, his entire body would be scorched by a wave of intense heat. With the spell we’re going to use, any being from any world can pass between the realms without harm.”

“Okayyy.” Tris nodded like a kindergartener listening to her teacher. “But why the second spell?”

“The soul-merging spell is key, as well,” Ira continued. “The magic that will be required to keep the portal open is going to require at least four or five of us succubi to stay up here and monitor it at all times.”

“Wait.” I shook my head in denial. “I only get to take one or two of you with me?”

“Of course not,” Sia explained. “That’s where the soul-merge comes in. If all six of us combine our soul with yours, Jacob, you can summon us at will from anywhere in the universe. One or two at a time, of course.”

“Of course,” I echoed as it all started to make sense to me. “So that way, I can bring one or two of you into the action down in Hell without making the portal unstable.”

“Precisely,” Sia said with a grin. “Perhaps the best part is that, once our souls have merged, we will be able to see everything you do, Jacob. We’ll be aware of everything that goes on down there, whether we are present or not.”

“Genius,” I whistled. “You guys really outdid yourselves this time.”

“We try,” Cupi flirted as she brushed her blonde locks behind her ears. “Now, let’s get this show on the road. Ira, I figured you’d want to collect the samples.”

“Hell yes I do!” the Sister of Wrath exclaimed with almost too much excitement in her voice. “I’ll try to be gentle, but you all know that’s not in my nature.”

The slim, dark haired succubus dashed around to each succubus, one-by-one, and plucked a singular hair from their head. When she finally got to me, she stared hungrily in my eyes as she reached up and yanked a piece of my brown locks from my scalp. She did it rather forcefully, but I wasn’t going to complain. Finally, she slid her hand up the side of her face and snatched a piece of her own raven-colored hair.

Once Ira was done, she formed a pile of our locks in her palm and balled her fist around it. Then, she strutted over and stood before Cupi with her hand outstretched.

“I’ve got a handful of hair whenever you’re ready, sister,” she giggled. “If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been in this situation … ”

Despite Ira’s joke, Cupi just shot her a stone-cold glare. The succubus motioned for all of us to come in closer, and then she began to start the incantation.

“You know the drill, guys,” the fit succubus explained. “Repeat after me in as close to perfect Latin as you possibly can.”

The entire group bowed their heads and began the incantation. Though my Latin skills were a tad rusty, I could just make out the gist of what we were saying. We were asking the Exalted One to bless our souls and saying something about how love binds the universe together. The incantation ended with a final plea to merge our souls with those of the ones we truly love, so we could remain with them for all eternity.

It’d actually be pretty romantic, if we weren’t exploiting it so we could sneak into the pits of Hell.

At first, my friends and I were completely off-kilter with our chants. After two or three times of running through the spell, however, our words began to meld together in unison. As they did so, Ira’s fist began to glow with a bright, blinding white light.

“Touch Jacob,” Cupi commanded the Sister of Wrath. “He’s the one who will be the keeper of the souls.”

“Gladly,” Ira cooed as she placed her glowing hand on my right bicep.

The second I felt the succubus’ tender touch, my entire right arm lit up with the light of the spell. It was like thousands of tiny pins and needles were running across my flesh, but in a way that was oddly calming. The nebulous white light eventually started to morph into six small patches across my arm, and then its glow resided.

Now, where the spell had formed, sat six tattoos.

Although each of the images was abstract, I could instantly tell they represented the individual succubi. On my shoulder sat a pair of black angel wings, symbolic of the fallen angel Cupiditas. Directly underneath was a glowing violet eye which I assumed stood for the mind-control queen of the group, Liby. My forearm held the symbols of the other four succubi, a flaming whip for Ira, a double-sided battle axe for Gula, and a golden hand for Sia. Then there was Tris’ symbol, a lit blunt.

I nearly doubled over in laughter when I saw that one.

“Jesus, bro,” Todd scoffed. “That’s a really, really nice sleeve, and it was free! Maybe I need to try one of these soul-merging spells. Then again, I swore I wasn’t going to soil this temple of a body with tats like I did with my flabby human one.”

“When you want to call upon one of us, just picture our likeness in your head and touch our symbol,” Cupi explained. “The corresponding tattoo will glow, and then whichever one of us you need will materialize from it.”

“That’s fucking badass,” I admitted, “and very useful.”

Cupi sighed, looked up from her book, and nodded toward the portal. “That means there’s only one spell left,” she continued. “The one that allows you to pass through the portal unscathed.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Libidine asked as the eight of us approached the Porta ad Inferos. “We can try to find another way to save Sister Invidia.”

I put my hand longingly against Liby’s face and looked her deep in her purple eyes. “This is the only way, Liby,” I reiterated. “I wish there was another way, but this is something I have to do. Something we have to do.”

The dark-haired succubus’ eyes filled with tears, and I tried to calm her fears with a long, warm embrace.

“I’ll come back,” I whispered into the succubus’ ear. “I promise.”

When I released my hold on Libidine, she quickly wiped away a tear and gave me a sorrowful smile. Then, she turned to her sisters, and the six succubi formed a tight ring around the well that contained the Porta ad Inferos.

Meanwhile, Todd and I cautiously climbed up onto its rocky rim. The well was old, and I was sure it’s structure was going to give out at any second and send us both tumbling to our doom. Thankfully, it just had to hold together long enough for my friends to cast their spell.

“Let us begin,” Cupi announced grimly. “Repeat my words, sisters.”

All six of the succubi bowed their heads as Cupi began to speak in tongues. The rest of the Circle of Sin listened carefully before joining in on the cast. Soon, the entire groups’ voices united as one.

A bright green light erupted from inside of the well, and for a moment I feared that it was going to knock Todd and I off balance. However, we held our ground, and the glowing green portal of Hellfire grew taller and taller until it was nearly at our feet.

The succubi stopped their chant as all of their eyes fell on the imp and I. “This is it, Jacob,” Cupi explained. “The spell has been cast. Jump through that portal, and you will arrive at the Gates of Hell.”

I looked over at Todd, who was being surprisingly quiet. The imp looked mortified. His eyes were wide with fear, and his entire body looked like it was shaking nervously.

“Hey,” I said to get the imp’s attention. “Unus pro omnibus, omnes pro uno.”

My words must have calmed Todd because he perked up and let a wide grin spread across his face. “All for one, and one for all,” he repeated. “Geronimo!”

Without another moment’s hesitation, Todd propelled himself into the air, did a double somersault, and dove into the portal head-first like an Olympic diver.

I took a deep breath, looked around at my friends one last time, and then stepped off the ledge and into the Porta ad Inferos.

Chapter 9

The last thing I remembered was the vibrant emerald flames flitting by my sightline before the tingling sensation overtook my body and the world went black. Then I vaguely remembered a dull thud as I smacked into the ground.

The next thing I knew, my nostrils were assaulted by the overwhelming smell of smoldering sulfur. My eyes screamed in their sockets as they began to burn and water, and I was forced to jerk my eyelids open to release the dam that was building up behind them. My body heaved as I took a few short, exasperated gasps of the dense air, and I could almost taste the ashy dust that surrounded me. Even though I was now fully conscious, the landscape around me was pitch black, and I couldn’t even see my hand in front of my face.

Worst of all, however, was the intense sense of dread that pressed down against my body. Somehow, I felt an uneasy sense of anxiety, like I was all alone in the universe yet somehow being watched at the same time.

Yep, this was Hell alright.

“Todd?” I called out into the darkness, and my voice echoed back from the abyss. “Can you hear me?”

“Broooooo!” the imp answered back from the darkness. “It’s darker than an ape’s asshole down here.”

The visual imagery that danced through my head was quite unpleasant, but it was comforting to know that, even as we transferred into the pits of Hell, my best friend hadn’t lost his sense of humor.

“You have no idea how happy I am to hear your voice, bro,” I chuckled. “Where are you?”

“The fuck if I know,” the imp chuckled. “Just follow the sound of my voice.”

“Follow your voice?” I scoffed. “With this echo, it sounds like you’re everywhere all at once.”

“Here,” Todd’s reverberating voice continued. “I’ll give you some sweet tunes to act as a beacon in the night. Ahem …”

The imp’s tone-deaf voice cut through the silent, dust-filled air like a knife as he started into Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” and my ears attempted to pinpoint his location. It was difficult, but I was finally able to figure out a general direction to move in.

As I took a step toward Todd’s position, I felt the landscape of Hell underneath my feet. The terrain was hard and jagged like limestone, but grains of sand-like material fell from my shoes as I lifted my feet and headed in the direction of the imp’s song. Even with my educated guesses, it took me all the way up until he belted out the long “niiiiiiiiggggghhhhhhtttt” of the song before I realized he was directly on my right.

Todd broke out into an over-the-top guitar solo, and I breathed a sigh of relief when his tiny left hand smacked into my groin. Thankfully, the imp missed all my vital parts.

“Sorry for slappin’ your salami, Jakey,” he apologized, “but the Toddster’s windmill will not be denied.”

“Wow,” I chuckled nervously as I looked around for any sign of light. “You nearly touched my dick, and you didn’t even say ‘no homo.’”

“I guess I didn’t,” Todd pondered. “Oh well. We’re already in Hell, bro. I’m sure there are a million things worse than that down here.”

“First things first,” I muttered, “we need to figure out a way to transverse this bitch.”

“Yesh, bro,” Todd gasped. “I don’t think it’s cool to talk about them like that anymore.”

“Transverse, Todd.” I facepalmed. “Like, to find our way through the darkness.”

“Ohhhhh,” the imp acknowledged. “I totally got it. That’s easy. Watch this--”

The imp snapped his fingers and summoned two glowing balls of Hellfire into his hand. As he did so, the darkness of the landscape was illuminated by the flickering flames, and I nearly fell over in shock at what we saw.

Hell’s ground was made up of some sort of dark, sand-like material, but the stuff somehow twisted itself into rocky formations that reminded me of the ceiling of a cave. I cautiously walked over to one of the formations and stuck out my hand to feel the material.

The second I touched it, the sandy structure retreated back down into the ground in a panic. It left a cloud of thick dust as it moved, but a small handful of its grainy makeup remained on my hand. As I rolled the substance between my thumb and my forefinger, it dawned on me.

“It’s ash,” I said with amusement. “It’s some sort of living, breathing ash.”

“Hell is such a marvelous place,” Todd shot back sarcastically. “Seriously, nothing in this universe can live up to its beauty. We totally need to get Attenborough down here, bro.”

“You joke,” I reminded the imp, “but if we can make it out of here alive, we’ll be the first mortals to travel to and from Hell without any repercussions.”

Todds pearly white chompers glowed with the light from his Hellfire. “No repercussions?” he said through his toothy grin. “You know I’m all about that life.”

“Now that we’ve got some light, we need to figure out where the fuck we’re going,” I sighed. “I dunno about you, but I left the interdimensional GPS in my other pants.”

“This looks like a job for one of the girls, bro,” Todd offered. “They should know this place like the back of their hand.”

“Which one, though?” I pondered aloud as I looked down at the enchanted tattoos on my arm. “Any one could be useful in this situation.”

Without warning, Todd’s impish hand slapped the back of my leg. “Bro, did all those hours spent playing Pokemon in our dorm room mean nothing to you?” he demanded. “All your characters are good, but certain ones are gonna be more useful than others. In this case, we need one who can use flash.”

“How about Liby?” I asked.

“I was thinking Gula myself,” Todd suggested. “Her fire spells are bigger than Chuck Norris’ balls, and that’s saying something.”

I completely ignored the imp’s outdated joke. “What about Sia?” I continued. “She was the Circle of Sin’s madame, and she was the one who Azazel and Earl gave the most freedom to. She’d probably be our best bet.”

“Porque no los dos?” Todd asked with a shrug. “Cupi said we could take two at a time if we needed.”

“Not a bad idea.” I nodded to the imp and took a few steps away. “The pair of redheads it is! Also, I didn’t realize you knew Spanish.”

“That was Spanish?” Todd gasped. “Oh boy … no wonder I failed my Italian class in college. I wanted to take French, but nooooo.”

I looked down at my tattoos one last time, and then I closed my eyes and pictured Gula and Sia in my head. Even though they were both on another dimensional plane, I could visualize the beautiful women perfectly. I could see Sia’s big, violet eyes and petite body, complete with her short, strawberry-red hair. I could see Gula’s curvy figure just as clear, with her massive breasts and soft, wide hips. As I thought about the succubi, I could feel my pants tightening by the second.

“You have to touch it, bro,” Todd’s voice interrupted my semi-fantasy.

“What?” I asked, completely confused.

“Your tattoos, bro,” the imp reiterated. “You have to touch each one if you want to summon the girls.”

“Oh, yeah,” I laughed. “Totally remembered that.”

I continued to think about the redheaded bombshells as I placed my index finger against the image of the battle axe and the golden hand. Instantly, the outline of both tattoos started to glow with a shimmer of violet Hellfire, and then the flames filled in the entire image. A small blast of purple fire shot out of my forearm and created two beings of pure energy directly in front of me, the images of Gula and Sia. As the violet spell waned, I was greeted with the familiar smiles of the two succubi.

Gula looked down at the ground and blushed. “I’m honored to be the first one you called, Jacob,” she giggled. “It’s always good to be wanted.”

“I’m just glad you two survived,” Sia interjected. “The spell we used was very complex. I was somewhat worried it would have adverse effects on your body or your psyche or, well, just about anything.”

“Hold the phone,” Todd demanded. “You mean Jakey and I could have died?”

“Of course,” Sia shrugged, “but even had you perished, you just would have ended up here anyway.”

“Touché, Strawberry Shortcake,” Todd agreed. “Touché.”

“Do either of you have any idea where we are, and where the, well, Hell we need to go?” I addressed the elephant in the room. “I figured you guys would have a better grasp of Hell’s landscape than we did.”

Sia rapped her slender fingers against her rounded chin and surveyed the area. “Hmmmm,” she mumbled. “I never would have guessed the Porta ad Inferos was located above the Hunter’s Plains.”

“Hunter’s Plains?” I questioned as adrenaline surged through my body. “I don’t like the sound of that.”

“Calm yourself, Jacob,” the madame chuckled. “It’s called that because it’s where lesser demons come to hunt for food. The only thing out here is vargrats and the occasional hunter, and those are nothing compared to what we’ve faced on Earth Realm.”

“Yeah, I was sent out here all the time,” Gula added. “Earl would always just tell me to make some sort of stone soup for the rest of the succubi, but I’d be able to sweet talk him into letting me come out here and get fresh meat every few days. It’s actually a pretty peaceful place. For being in Hell, that is.”

I felt a wave of relief wash over my body. Now that we were in the Belly of the Beast, I had assumed everything and anything was deadly, and that it would try to kill us without a moment’s notice. But people with bow and arrows and a couple of vermin? That I could handle.

“Which direction do we need to go in order to reach the Fourth Circle?” I implored. “The sooner we can get out of this place, the better.”

“The main Gates of Hell are in that direction.” Gula pointed to our east.

“Main gates?” Todd finally spoke up. “I thought that’s what the whole swirly green portal of fire we just passed through was!”

“I’m afraid not,” Sia answered. “Lucifer is very particular on who he lets through those gates. Because of this, any and all channels between the different realms and Hell lead to the outer rim. For example, there’s a portal interdimensional demons use that gives them direct access to the Vatican catacombs. However, the wormhole drops travellers back off out in the Forest of Souls, all the way to the South of the main gate. Then there’s the one I was familiar with located in the New York City sewers. To access that one, you had to climb all the way to the top of Mount Torment.”

“Damn,” Todd whistled. “And I thought giant alligators were the worst of the city’s problems. That and giant mutant turtles.”

“So it sounds like we got lucky with this one,” I added. “I’m no expert on the regions of the Netherworld, but ‘Forest of Souls’ and ‘Mount Torment’ don’t exactly sound like pleasant places to go.”

“They’re not.” Sia’s face went dead serious. “They’re most certainly not. Now, shall we get on our way? It’s at least an hour’s worth of walking.”

“Thank goodness you didn’t summon Tris,” Gula giggled. “She would have complained the entire way.”

“Why can’t you just go all Superman and fly us to the gate?” Todd questioned the redhead.

Gula looked as if Todd had just asked the dumbest question in the history of the world. “There’s gargoyles here in Hell,” she explained. “They’re very rare, and they provide an excellent source of meat for hunters. The last thing we want to do is be mistaken for one of those creatures and attacked.”

“We would easily vanquish whoever came after us,” Sia argued, “but we would also draw a lot of unwanted attention to ourselves. As of now, I don’t think anybody is aware of our presence. Except maybe Charon, the Grand Ferryman of Souls. But he’s more of a passive watcher. I’m not worried about him sounding the alarm.”

“So more of a ‘true neutral’ sort of demon?” I observed.

“You could say that,” the madame continued as she began to head east. “Charon’s duty is to transport lost souls on the River of Hades. He has no loyalty to Lucifer or the Exalted One, but he could easily be swayed to help us if we play our cards right.”

“Then we just gotta know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em,” Todd giggled. “Let’s go crash Azazel’s party! Gula, we need your balls.”

“My what?” the succubus asked with a blush.

“Your fireballs, dudette,” he sighed. “You’ve got the biggest fireballs of them all, so you’re gonna be our own personal lighthouse. Get your mind outta the gutter, sheesh.”

The imp took off, and Sia, Gula, and I exchanged a glance before we began to follow. As we took the first few steps of the journey, Gula’s hand lit up with a roaring red Hellfire and a massive, ten-foot circle was illuminated around us.

“That’s what I’m talking about,” Todd said as he pumped his fist in the air. “Giant fucking balls.”

The four of us continued east for about twenty minutes or so. Down here, my entire sense of time was completely off-kilter, so I couldn’t be certain how much longer it was going to take to reach the Gates of Hell. My cell phone was still turned on, but the screen was all staticky and glitchy, almost as if it were a character in a retro video game who was lagging. At the same time, the watch on my left wrist completely stopped working.

I guessed when you were in a place of eternal damnation, the laws of time and space didn’t really matter.

Then we heard a sound that made my blood curdle. Somewhere off in the distance, there was a long, low-pitched sound that could only be described as a cross between a squeal and a hiss. Immediately after, there was the rumblings of something massive charging across the landscape.

“What the fuck is that?” I asked as I clenched my fists and prepared to fight.

Before any of the girls could speak, I got my answer. A large, cow-sized creature burst through the darkness and charged directly on our position. The monster ran on all fours, and it was covered by a brownish-red, matted down coat of fur that had several chunks ripped out from its base. Our mystery monster’s teeth were large and square, and the incisors jutted out of its mouth into a deadly overbite. It’s eyes were scarlet red.

This thing was out for blood.

I instantly rolled out of the way of the incoming creature and let loose a quick blast of red Hellfire as I moved. The incendiary attack struck the beast square in the temple, but he wasn’t phased in the slightest.

“These are vargrats, Jacob,” Sia explained as she zipped out of the beast’s path. “They’re creatures of Hell. They don’t respond to fire-based attacks.”

“Thanks for telling me sooner,” I joked and fumbled for the goat-headed dagger on my belt.

I pulled the deadly weapon from its sheath and enchanted it with my magic. At the same time, I saw a flash of red Hellfire in the darkness as Gula summoned forth her battle axe.

The creature missed its initial charge and disappeared into the cover of blackness. The succubi, Todd, and I instinctively ran over to Gula and formed a miniature defensive circle so we could watch from all angles.

“That thing was a vargrat?” I asked in disbelief. “I thought they were tiny, like an Earth rat!”

“Do you really think you could feed an entire harem of succubi with a single, Earth rat-sized creature?” Gula asked sarcastically. “I couldn’t even feed myself with one of those!”

“So you used to hunt these things for a living?” I asked the fiery redhead, and she responded with a slow nod. “What’s your advice for killing them?”

“Go for the neck,” she responded without missing a beat. “Vargrat bones are too thick for you to land a killing blow in the brain or the heart with a simple hand-held weapon. Their throat and spinal cord, however, are wide open for business. And, like Superbia said, they’re immune to Hellfire.”

“What about my Divine magic?” I asked. “That’s gotta do some damage on a creature from Hell.”

“Don’t even consider it, Jacob!” Sia hissed. “The second you use Divine magic down here, Lucifer himself will be alerted to our presence. And that, you may imagine, is the last thing we need on this journey.”

“It’s comin’ back around!” Todd exclaimed and pointed a tiny finger toward the area in front of him.

The imp springboarded into the air just as the vargrat appeared in the light of Gula’s makeshift torch. Todd twisted his body around like a gymnast, landed on top of the beast’s back, and began to tear into the back of its neck with his razor-sharp claws.

The vargrat shrieked in agony as its flesh and muscle was ripped off in large clumps of meat and fur. It bucked its massive body and tried to whip the imp off, but it was no use. Just as the monster moved past the succubi and me, Todd sunk his teeth down into its neck, yanked his head upward, and came out with a large chunk of spinal tissue. The creature’s eyes went dark, and it slumped over to the ground, dead.

Todd spat out the piece of spinal cord and brushed at his tongue panickedly with his hands. “Yeeeeck!” he gagged. “Tasting a vargrat’s nervous system wasn’t exactly on my to-do list, bro.”

“But that’s the best part.” Gula shrugged. “The brain and spinal cord have the most fatty tissue, so that makes them perfect for making a sort of vargrat meatloaf or burger.”

Todd stood up and rolled down off the dead creature. “I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that,” he shot back. “I also didn’t need two of my favorite meals ruined.”

“That was quick thinking, Todd,” Sia mused. “I’m impressed.”

The imp just shrugged. “It wasn’t my idea,” he admitted. “I totally stole it from Tyson. If ya can’t beat ‘em, bite ‘em!”

“That’s the spirit,” I chuckled. “But we should--”

“Wait,” Gula gasped and made a shushing gesture with her hand and lips.

The curvy succubus walked over and examined the dead beast. She felt around its snout, eyes, and ears, and then she turned back to us with a look of horror on her face.

“Guys,” she said with a gulp. “This was a scout vargrat. Which means--”

“There’s a whole tribe of them nearby.” Sia muttered grimly. “Surely they heard the dying screams of their denmate.”

“Which means we need to get the fuck out of here,” I confirmed and pointed east. “Move!”

The four of us started to run toward the Gates of Hell at breakneck speeds, but almost immediately, somber, inhuman cries filled the sky around us, and my heart pounded in my chest as we fled from what I assumed was a massive horde of vargrats. Behind us, I could hear the rumbling sounds of their feet kicking up dust and sand as they grew closer and closer.

“How fast are these things?” I questioned through labored breaths.

“Very fast,” Gula retorted. “There’s a reason you normally have to sneak up on them when you’re hunting. They can run much faster than most demons can fly.”

“Well shit,” I growled. “They’re probably nocturnal too, aren’t they?”

“They couldn’t survive in the abyss of the Hunter’s Plains if they weren’t,” the redhead answered.

As Gula ran, her massive breasts bounded up and down in time with the pumps of her arms. If we weren’t in the middle of a literal race for our lives, it would have totally turned me on.

“We need to stop running,” I demanded to my friends.

“Uh, what?” Todd panted as he dashed as quick as his tiny imp hooves would take him. “That’s like, the opposite of what we need to do, bro.”

“You heard Gula,” I huffed. “These things have already nearly caught up to us. If we keep trying to run, they’re going to catch us and rip us to pieces.”

“What do you suggest, Jacob?” Sia pondered aloud.

“Sorry, Sia,” I explained, “but you’re being recalled for now.”

I tapped the glowing golden hand tattoo on my arm, and it instantly lit up with a brilliant glow of white. A small beam shot out of the image, engulfed Sia, and then sucked her entire body back inside. Without wasting another second, I pictured Libidine in my mind and tapped the tattoo of the purple eye. It lit up, shot its glowing plasmic aura out onto the ground in front of us, and then Liby appeared in all her glory.

“What’s up, guys?” She grinned. “It’s always good to--”

I grabbed Libidine by her arm and forced her to run along with the rest of us. “No time to explain,” I commanded the succubus. “How large can you cast your spell of hatred?”

“Good to see you too,” she half-joked. “Since we’ve made the connection so many times, I can probably do a spread of about two-hundred daggers, maybe about eighty feet wide?”

I quickly did the math in my head. “That’ll work,” I confirmed. “Everybody, halt!”

The four of us stopped running, and I spun around to face the incoming pack of vargrats. I instantly began to picture what those fucking things looked like, how they were about as gnarly of an animal as you could possibly imagine, about how the one we encountered had smelled like putrid sewage on a warm summer day, and even about the disgusting sounds the creature made as it died. Most important, however, was the thought that my succubi had eaten these things as a main source of food for a millennia.

As my stomach churned in my body, I knew I was disgusted enough to cast the spell I needed to. I channelled all of my emotions into my hands, and they both lit up with a bright emerald green glow. I could vaguely see the outlines of the incoming horde through the light of my spell, and there were a fuckton of these things.

I pointed over to my right. “Over there, Liby!” I commanded. “Now!”

Without a moment’s hesitation, the glow of Libidine’s hatred spell began to radiate from behind me. It started off small, but within seconds it had grown to be nearly as bright as my God Bomb. I heard the succubus let out a scream of determination, and then hundreds of glowing yellow spears shot through the darkness and stabbed into the ground where I had pointed.

The second Liby’s projectiles were firmly in place, I clapped my hands together and created the largest portal of green Hellfire I could possibly imagine. The towering inferno of jade fire stretched at least two stories tall, and then I moved my hands apart so the spell stretched to the size of an entire football field.

There was a yelp of surprise as the vargrat horde passed through the interdimensional portal. There was an even more helpless yelp when the entire horde reappeared directly above Liby’s field of deadly spikes. Too many vargrats to count tumbled through the sky, illuminated in a sickly yellow-green by a mixture of Gula’s hand-torch, my Hellfire portal, and Liby’s enchanted spears. The monsters’ growls of anger turned into yelps of pain as, one-by-one, they were impaled by the glowing yellow spears. The vargrats weakly struggled to pry themselves free, but they all eventually succumbed to death’s warm embrace.

“Quick thinking, bro,” Todd whistled. “We’d all be rat shit right now if it wasn’t for you.”

“Seriously,” Gula sighed as she still panted from the mini-marathon we’d just run. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more thankful to see Liby in my life.”

“Me either,” I agreed. “Well, maybe other than the very first time we met…”

“Stop,” the raven-haired succubus said with a giggle. “You’re going to make me blush.”

“I’ve seen the kind of stuff you’ve done in bed, Liby,” Gula playfully shot back. “Nothing could possibly make you blush.”

“Oh, Sister Ira has definitely accomplished it,” Libidine retorted. “Are you familiar with the term ‘pegging?’”

“I’m gonna stop you there, Lib,” Todd said with panic in his voice. “There are no amount of ‘no homos’ in the world that can protect me from that subject.”

“You keep talking about this ‘no homo,’” Gula said curiously. “It sounds like a very powerful spell. Is it one we should all be familiar with?”

“Only if you’ve got a schlong, Gula,” he giggled, “and if you do, Jacob’s got some explaining to do.”

“Ohhhhh!” The lightbulb seemingly came on in Gula’s head. “So it’s more of a thing an incubus should be worried about?”

“What does my favorite alternative rock band have to do with anything?” Todd asked, and then his mouth fell agape. “Is there something I should know about their music? Has it been secretly infiltrating my mind, making ‘no homo’ less and less effective over the years? That would explain the long hair and all the leather!”

“Relax, Todd,” I chuckled. “I think she’s talking about male sex demons. Ya know, like succubi, only with schlongs, as you’d say.”

“So, demon juggalos,” Todd confirmed.

“Sure thing, bro.” I rolled my eyes as the words left my mouth. “Sure thing.”

I dispelled the Hellfire from my goat-headed dagger and placed it back in its sheath. Then I lit up my free hand with a cast of red Hellfire and used it to survey our surroundings.

“Do you think we need to call Sia back down here?” I asked my friends. “I have no idea where the fuck we are.”

“We’ll be fine,” Gula promised. “Sister Superbia might be the most familiar with Hell in general, but I’m the one who’s hunted these plains for hundreds of thousands of years. Besides … ” The curvy redhead tossed her hand around Libidine’s shoulder. “ … I much prefer the company of Lib to Superbia. Me and this one here are two peas in a pod.”

“We really are,” Libidine said with a grin. “We always had so much fun together. So much fun, in fact, that Earl eventually stopped allowing us to go out together.”

“It was all because of that stupid earthquake we caused back in five hundred twenty-six,” Gula grumbled.

“The one in the Byzantine Empire?” the dark-haired succubus chuckled. “Earl was soooo pissed about that. He said it helped reunite the Exalted One’s church after it was so devastated by the fall of Rome.”

Gula burst out into laughter. “He wouldn’t even let us leave our quarters for a year afterwards!” she guffawed and slapped her knee with amusement.

It was quite the scene seeing Gula and Liby get along so well. Despite the fact that we had been on so many adventures together, I didn’t think I’d ever seen the two of them interact one-on-one, and it was quite the treat. Both succubi were full of joy, good humored, and bubbly.

And, of course, they were both sexy as hell.

“Earl tried to split us up,” Liby explained to Todd and I. “He made it so that I mostly went out on missions and jobs with Cupi, and so Gula mostly went out with Tris. Little did he know what that would lead to.”

“Yep,” I said proudly. “If it wasn’t for that little gesture, the two of you never would have appeared in our apartment that night.”

“Nope,” Todd added. “Lilith probably would have just sent us some random women and then wham, bam, thank you ma’am. We would have totally gone back to our miserable lives the next day.”

“And I probably would have killed Todd for spending his half of the rent money on an ancient Vatican spell book just so he could get laid,” I laughed.

“So I guess we owe Earl a ‘thank you,’” Todd mused. “We’ll have to tell him if we ever see that little gay asshole again.”

“Phrasing,” I reminded the imp.

“My bad, bro,” Todd said with the shake of his head. “We’ll have to tell him if we ever see that big gay asshole again.”

“Much better,” I said coyly. “Now, we need to start--”

“Jakey.” Todd interrupted, his voice now dead serious. “There’s somebody watching us.”

I followed the direction the imp was pointing in, and I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw he was right. Just outside of the glow of Gula’s flame stood a figure shrouded in a hood and a robe. When the stranger saw that he had been spotted, he slowly sauntered into the light and revealed himself.

Even though his head was covered by a deep purple hood and his body was obscured by a robe of the same color, I could tell it was a man. A burly, unkempt black beard jutted out from the opening of his hood and sat against his attire all the way down to where his navel should be, and his robe was bespeckled with flecks of glowing ectoplasmic substance.

The mysterious stranger reached up with two rough, dark-skinned hands and pulled back the hood of his robe. As he did so, a mess of greasy black hair popped into view along with a face with sunken black eyes and pearly-white sharp teeth.

“Charon,” Gula gasped aloud. “The Ferryman of Hell.”

Chapter 10

“It’s good to see the succubi of Azazel are back home,” the man in the violet robe mused.

Charon’s voice was exactly what you’d expect based on the man’s figure. It was low, raspy, and nearly emotionless as the words flitted from his thin lips.

“We don’t belong to Azazel any more, Charon,” Gula growled as she tightened her grip on her battle axe. “Jacob Ralston is our master now.”

Charon glanced over in my direction and raised a bushy black eyebrow. “So this is the great Jacob Ralston?” he asked, even though he already knew the answer. “I knew he was a mortal, but he is … far from what I expected based on Azazel’s descriptions.”

“So the big red buffoon still talks about me, huh?” I snarked as I placed my hand against the hilt of my dagger.

The succubi had said Charon was a “neutral” in all of this, but the way he’d been spying on us and his knowledge of our endeavors made me suspicious of the ferryman.

“All the time,” Charon scoffed, and for the first time, it sounded like there was a bit of emotion in his voice. “It’s quite insufferable, actually. Ralston this, Ralston that. Is it true that you convinced a Rakshasi to take your side?”

A wave of relief swept over my body, and I loosened my grip on the dagger. Charon sounded more like an intrigued scholar, and not a servant of Azazel.

“It sure is.” I nodded. “Aruna.”

Charon’s expression remained emotionless, but he tilted his head to the side curiously. “Aruna?” he questioned. “One of the deadliest assassins in the universe, one who refuses to ally herself with anyone, is on your side? I was curious before, Jacob Ralston, but now I am fully interested.”

I stepped forward and extended my hand to greet the ferryman, but he just looked at me with confusion.

“It’s a mortal greeting, Charon,” Liby explained. “He wants you to shake his hand.”

The man in purple reached out with both hands, and for a moment I nearly stepped back in shock. Charon’s fingers were long and thin, with nothing separating the bones from the outside world but a thin layer of stretched out and sagging skin. Charon grabbed my thumb and my pinky and shook them vigorously.

“Good enough,” I chuckled. “It’s nice to meet you, Charon. If Azazel hasn’t stopped talking about me, then I’m sure you can figure out why I’m here.”

“Of course,” the man in purple nodded. “Azazel has locked away his seventh and final succubus in his castle for this exact reason. He’s been expecting you for some time now.”

“Is that how you knew we were here?” I asked cautiously. “Because Azazel told you?”

Charon shook his head emotionlessly. “No,” he admitted. “I am the one who carries mortal souls between the world of the living and the world of the dead, Mr. Ralston. Every single one. When I was alerted that one had entered through the Hunter’s Plains, I knew I needed to investigate. We can’t just have unauthorized souls entering and exiting as they please, you know.”

“Wow,” Todd mused. “That sounds an awful lot like somebody’s trying to keep tabs on all of their citizens, bro. Total violation of human rights.”

“It’s Hell, Todd,” I reminded the imp. “You know, the Lake of Fire? Place of Eternal Damnation? I don’t think they really give a fuck about your human rights.”

“Indeed,” Charon reiterated. “Lucifer wants to know each and every soul that passes through his gates.”

The ferryman’s words made my heart fall into my stomach. “Does that mean he knows we’re here?” I gulped.

“Not unless I inform him,” the dark-bearded man confirmed. “And, at least for now, I do not intend to inform him.”

“Thank you,” I sighed. “We’ve got enough on our plate right now. The last thing we need is the Devil--”

“Lucifer!” Charon, Liby, and Gula all corrected in unison.

“Sorry,” I apologized. “The last thing we need right now is Lucifer on our trail.”

“I agree,” Charon added. “The last time an unauthorized mortal came down here, he made it all the way through the Nine Circles of Hell without so much as a single scratch. He even was able to sneak past Lucifer himself and make it back into the world of the living. He was very clever, that Dante.”

“Heyyy, I’ve actually read that one!” Todd exclaimed. “The Inferno, right?”

“Unfortunately,” the ferryman sighed. “He spread the word of his experience in the Netherworld all around Earth Realm with that blasted book. Lucifer and the Exalted One were both beyond livid. Lucifer because it made him and his minions look like fools, and the Exalted One because mortals who enter Hell willingly are seen as the lowest of the low.”

“Oof,” Todd whistled. “You and I are gonna have some explaining to do to Raph when we get outta here.”

“If all goes well, he won’t even know,” I reassured the imp. “And even if he does, wouldn’t he be happy? Azazel is like, his arch-rival. We’d be doing him a favor by coming down here and knocking off the Father of Warfare.”

“You’re not going to be doing any ‘knocking off’ if we stay out on these plains for much longer,” Charon continued. “You may have killed all of those vargrats, but there are plenty more out here that can take their place, and they will be attracted by the scent of these animals’ blood. We need to leave.”

“Wait, so does that mean you want to help us?” Liby asked as Charon turned to walk away.

The man in the purple robe looked back over his shoulder. “‘Help’ is perhaps not the right term,” he explained. “But I will help you gain access to the First Circle, and I will allow you refuge in my dwelling, if you so desire. Now, come.”

“The Gates of Hell are that way,” Gula protested and pointed east. “Why are you heading South?”

“Sure, you could enter Hell through the main gates,” Charon explained, “but then everybody would know Jacob is here. After the last incident with Dante, Lucifer put a hex on the main gates so it will detect anyone who passes through that is a still-living mortal. Not only would you have to worry about Azazel and his minions, but the entire Army of the Damned, led by the Four Horsemen themselves.”

“Yeahhhh, let’s not do that,” I agreed. “How do you propose we get in, then?”

“Follow me, Jacob Ralston,” Charon said as he waggled his finger at me. “I have my ways.”

The four of us followed the man in the dark purple robe through the darkness of the Hunter’s Plains for about thirty minutes, until the deafening silence in the air was replaced by the sound of rushing water. However, there was something slightly off about the noise, as if the soundwaves of the water itself was being squeezed through a strainer as they hit our ears. Unless my sense of hearing deceived me, it also sounded like the water was running slower than a normal stream.

Once we were close enough for Gula’s Hellfire to illuminate the space, I could see why.

The “river” was a sickly black color whose outline was surrounded by a shimmering gray light. I recognized it immediately as the same ectoplasmic substance Aruna and her fellow assassins used in battle.

“Welcome to the river of Styx,” Charon said as he threw out his hands triumphantly. “This is the ‘back door’ way to get into Hell, the way you take when you pass away up on Earth Realm.”

I glanced down into the ectoplasmic substance and saw several shadowy, human-shaped figures zip past my reflection. These must have been the souls of the dead, on their way to their final resting place.

“Shades,” Libidine explained. “Souls of the living, damned to an eternity of torture and pain. Poor things.”

“Now, where did I put that--ah,” Charon said as he surveyed the riverbanks, bent down, and picked up a large wooden staff. “My ferryman’s stick.”

“And you told me to watch my phrasing,” Todd whispered coyly.

Charon raised his hand over his head and called forth a small ball of purple Hellfire into his palm. He then placed it against the tip of his stick, and the staff lit up like an enchanted torch. Then, the ferryman stuck his staff out into the darkness and chanted a few indistinguishable words in Latin.

There was silence as we all held our breath, waiting for something to happen. The blackness of the Hunter’s Plains was suddenly illuminated by a flash of purple Hellfire so bright, it felt like my retinas were burning out of my skull. When the blinding light finally subsided, we were left with a large, wooden boat whose frame was outlined by the violet spell.

Charon pulled his staff in our direction, and the boat followed his command. It floated across the river of ectoplasm until it found itself lodged in the sooty banks in front of us. Charon sauntered forward, threw his leg up into the boat, and then hoisted the rest of his body in after. He looked up and motioned for the four of us to follow.

“I fucking hate boats, bro,” Todd sighed as he approached. “The last time we went on one, I got so seasick it wasn’t even funny.”

“That’s because you drank seven cans of beer in a row and gulped down a whole bag of chips by yourself,” I reminded him. “And that was in less than an hour.”

Todd just shrugged. “All I remember was leaning over the side of the canoe,” he explained, “chumming up the water for all the fish we were trying to catch.”

“Chumming up the water?” Gula asked with a twinge of disgust in her voice.

“Yeah, Cheffers--that’s my new nickname for you, by the way,” the imp explained. “Like this.”

Todd grabbed his stomach and pretended to vomit violently onto the ground. Meanwhile, Gula just raised an eyebrow and looked on in horror.

“I--do you realize what ‘chumming the water’ means?” she asked.

“There was potato chips and beer in that mixture, Cheffers,” Todd continued. “If that wasn’t going to attract those little guys, I don’t know what would.”

Gula put her hand over her mouth as her face went pale. “Ya know, I think I’m feeling a little sick,” she pleaded. “Can I go back to the surface for awhile?”

“Sure thing, Gula,” I chuckled. “Hold on tight.”

I reached over and tapped the battle axe tattoo on my arm, and it shot out its light, surrounded Gula, and transported her back to Earth Realm.

“A soul-merging spell?” Charon asked. “You get more and more impressive by the minute, Mr. Ralston.”

“Oh, oh!” Todd jumped up and down with anticipation. “Who you gonna choose next?”

“I dunno,” I admitted. “Cupi’s a good warrior, and Tris would probably love to go on a free boat ride, or--”

Libidine cut me off by placing a hand against my mouth. “Why don’t we just stick with three right now?” she suggested. “The spell says we can have one or two at a time, so there’s no reason we have to bring one of my sisters down here. Why give them the PTSD of all the bad memories this place brings if we don’t have to?”

“I guess you have a point,” I admitted as I pulled myself onto Charon’s boat.

“And besides,” the succubus giggled and hopped up into the transport, “I can’t even remember the last time I had you all to myself.”

“All aboard the Love Boat,” Todd joked sarcastically.

The imp took a running start, somersaulted into the air, and then landed on the far end of the ferry. As soon as we were safely situated in the boat, Charon raised his staff to the horizon, and we set off down the river of Styx.

Charon’s vessel was designed as if it were a simple rowboat, but it cut through the ectoplasmic waves as quickly as if it were a jetski, and specks of the spiritual goo sprayed up onto the deck in rapid intervals, misting our bodies in the glowing substance.

“Now I see why Charon’s robes look like he’s been through a round of moneyshots,” Todd observed as he wiped the specs of goo from his torso.

“At least you’re naked,” I gagged. “I don’t think this shit is coming off, and I really liked these pants.”

“Don’t worry, my love,” Libidine cooed into my ear. “I’ll help you take those pants off as soon as we have a moment of privacy.”

“You really do want me all to yourself, don’t you?” I flirted back.

We continued down the River Styx for quite some time until we finally arrived at a small, broken-down pier that jutted out of the riverbank like a pathetic wall of moldy wood. Just up from the bank was a rather large, square structure that looked like it was made out of dark gray rock. Even though we were still in the pitch-blackness of the Hunter’s Plains, a number of large lanterns were hung around the property and shone through the dark landscape.

“Welcome to my humble abode,” Charon said with a bow.

The ferryman drove his boat up to the pier and commanded it to stop with a wave of his staff. He held out his hand kindly, instructing us to exit the vessel.

“Watch your step,” he warned. “This pier hasn’t been fixed in nearly six-thousand years.”

I cautiously swung my foot over the edge of the boat and pressed down on the wood of the pier. It had a bit of give to it, but it seemed sturdier than our old apartment floors, and those held Todd and me for years. I pulled myself onto the wood of the dock, and Libidine was close behind me.

Todd leapt out of the boat, landed on the deck with a loud “thud,” and stuck his hands up into the air happily. “Ground, sweet ground!” he exclaimed. “Jakey, you have no idea how happy I am to--”

Before he could finish his sentence there was a loud “snap,” and Todd’s entire lower body fell through the pier. The imp was able to catch himself, but his eyes grew wide as he struggled to pull himself back up through the hole in the wood.

“Need a hand?” I asked with amusement.

I stuck out my arm, called forth my green Hellfire, and surrounded the imp’s entire body with the spell.

Todd began to cackle maniacally. “That--that tickles!” he laughed as I lifted him into the air, moved him over to the riverbank, and sat him down on the ash of the beach.

Charon was the last one out, and he made sure to make his boat disappear with a quick movement from his enchanted staff. He turned around, motioned to his home, and nodded.

“After you, please,” his raspy voice suggested.

Libidine and I turned and began to head toward Charon’s home. There was a small stony path that led from the edge of the pier all the way toward the front door, and our feet clicked against the rocks as we moved.

“So, are we officially in the boundaries of Hell?” I asked curiously.

“Not quite,” Charon admitted. “Even though I am the ferryman of Hell, my dwelling remains outside of its limits. Do you see that light off in the distance?”

Charon extended his finger and pointed downstream. My eyes followed his motion, and I saw what he was referring to.

Off in the distance, maybe two or three miles away, was a series of flames that stretched up as far as my eyes could possibly see. Likewise, the flames stretched all the way across the horizon until they were out of view.

“That’s the barrier that surrounds the First Circle,” Charon explained. “We will be passing through it in the morning.”

“Do you have access to all Nine Circles?” I asked curiously. “Why can’t you just take us straight to the Fourth?”

“Unfortunately, you can only travel through the layers of Hell consecutively,” he explained. “If you want to get to the Fourth, you have to go through the First, Second, and Third. Now, there are portals in each Circle that will lead you back to previous ones, but none that will lead you forward.”

“So, fast travel?” Todd suggested as we wandered toward the front door of the house.

“I’m not familiar with this concept,” Charon pondered. “Do elaborate.”

Todd cleared his throat obnoxiously and clapped his hands together like he was a professor explaining things to a classroom full of ignorant students. “So, Fairy Man,” he said with a specific emphasis in his voice, “have you ever played a video game? Like, ever? I know they’re a pretty new concept in the grand scheme of things.”

“I can’t say I have,” Charon admitted.

“Well, in a lot of open world video games, you have to go around to certain areas of a location in order to unlock the full map,” the imp continued. “Then, once you’re all done, you can move on to the next location and do the same thing. Badda bing, badda boom, you get the picture. Now, there may be like, twenty more locations you haven’t unlocked yet, but you can always go to a portal or a horse or a car or something and ‘fast travel’ back to places you’ve been before.”

Charon ran a hand through his bushy beard for a moment and nodded. “I guess it is fairly similar,” he admitted. “We call it ‘circle jumping,’ but ‘fast travel’ does have a certain ring to it.”

We finally arrived at Charon’s door, and I took in just how massively large his home really was. The structure had to be at least two-hundred feet tall, and it was at least as wide as a shipping warehouse.

“Still rocking the Sumerian vibes?” Libidine asked in jest. “I would have figured you’d upgraded by now.”

“You joke,” Charon shot back, “but the Sumerians knew how to build a dwelling. This house has stood for thousands of years without so much as a crack in the foundation.”

“That could also be because it’s built from brimstone that was intended to last an eternity,” the succubus chuckled. “I believe this structure would still be standing if you’d made it into an abstract igloo.”

The ferryman stopped in front of his door, raised his glowing staff into the air, and tapped the wood in a five-point pattern. Instantly, a purple pentagram lit up on the entrance, and then it groaned as it pulled out of its hinges and slid away from the threshold.

The four of us stepped inside and were met with a very peculiar sight. From the outside, it had looked like Charon’s home consisted of multiple stories. However, it was now apparent that this was a single-story home with a ceiling that stood hundreds of feet above the floor.

All along the walls hung various pieces of haunting, abstract art along with weapons and strange-looking trinkets that came from somewhere other than Earth. At least, that’s what was hanging on the first ten feet or so of the wall. After that initial area of decor, the remaining one-hundred and ninety feet were left completely bare.

It was actually kinda hilarious.

The house was about as open-concept as you could get. There were a few floating structures off in the distance, but there was no discernable furniture as far as I could see.

“I love what you’ve done with the place,” Todd whistled as he admired an inhuman skeleton that hung against the wall. “Is this a Qilin? I can tell by the dragon ears.”

“It is,” Charon said proudly. “I found it drifting through the Styx a few centuries ago. It’s not often I get to collect specimens for display that used to be alive.”

“If you don’t mind me asking,” I interrupted the conversation, “why is your ceiling so high if there’s only one floor?”

For the first time, a faint smile rose on the lips of the man in purple. “Let me show you,” he offered mysteriously.

The ferryman turned around so he was facing the large, empty void that seemed to go on forever. He put his fingers in his mouth and whistled as loudly as he could.

Almost instantly, the ground began to shake with thundering footsteps. Something was coming our way, something big. Suddenly, a large, canine-like figure appeared from behind one of the floating structures.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” I mumbled aloud.

It was Cerberus, the three-headed dog.

“Talk about irony, bro,” Todd giggled as we watched the massive beast approach.

The dog’s heads all looked extremely excited to see their master. Their eyes were wide with joy, and their tongues flopped out of their mouths and were pushed back against their cheeks as they ran. Cerberus came right up to Charon before he came to a skidding halt.

The man in purple walked up to the beast and happily scratched a small patch of his paw. “This is Cerberus,” Charon explained. “He’s the guardian of the Gates of Hell during the day, and my closest companion by night.”

“Again, bro, phrasing,” Todd sighed. “You’re making it sound like you’re into beastiality.”

Charon just shrugged. “I’m not into that personally, but this is Hell,” he explained. “There are so, so many people down here who are.”

“We’re very familiar with Cerberus,” Libidine mused. “We once had to fight a clone of this big oaf in order to keep Azazel from being resurrected.”

“Ah yes, the Battle of Hell’s Gate.” The ferryman nodded. “Azazel was fuming about that one, too. As was Lucifer and all of the other demon lords. They weren’t too happy that the first real battle in this phase of the war was decided by a human.”

“They’re just gonna have to deal with it,” I said somewhat cockily, “because there are going to be a lot more battles, and we’re going to win them all.”

“Maybe it’s your gusto, Mr. Ralston,” Charon pondered, “but there’s something about you I like. That’s why I’m going to help you and your friends transcend the Circles of Hell. But first, you must be tired. Let’s get the three of you settled in for the night.”

Charon made a sweeping hand gesture to Cerberus, and the giant dog laid it’s three obnoxiously large heads down onto the ground in front of us. The man in purple climbed onto the middle one and motioned for us to get on the other two.

Even though I knew this was the real Cerberus, and not Azazel’s sinister clone, I was still hesitant to climb onto the massive death-dealing creature.

“What are you waiting for?” Charon offered. “It’s much too far to walk. Come, you can sleep in my quarters.”

I took a deep breath and then hoisted myself up onto the left head of Cerberus. Libidine was right behind me, and she made it a point to sit down in front of my body. The succubus playfully pressed her delicate body against my chest, and I responded by wrapping my arms around her tenderly.

Liby’s hair smelled faintly sweet, like a bundle of lilacs, and her curvy ass was rammed so hard against my dick that one slight bump might put us in the throws of passion. I pulled the Sister of Lust in close and kissed her head from behind.

“Fuck it.” Todd sighed and approached the final head. “I already reek of Swamp Ass. Just add ‘wet dog’ to the list of smells that the Toddster radiates.”

“Todd, your swamp ass would be gone by now,” I reassured the imp as he hopped onto the third head of Cerberus.

“I’m not talking about the disease, bro,” my friend corrected. “I’m talkin’ about the new strain of weed Slothy and I came up with. We got the inspiration from our little quest to New Orleans, though.”

“You might wanna work on the name,” I laughed. “I dunno about anyone else, but I’d be really put off telling people that I smoke something called ‘Swamp Ass.’”

“It’s a work in progress, bro,” Todd argued. “We’ll get it right eventually.”

Charon let out another whistle, and the three-headed dog stood back up to its feet. Atop the beast, we were hundreds of feet above the floor of the house, and I could see everything it had to offer.

All the way in the back corner was Cerberus’ massive doggie bed, right next to a pile of bones and what looked to be a pool of water carved directly into the floor. From this vantage point, I could now see that what I thought were floating installations were actually walled-off rooms. None of them had ceilings, so I could distinctly make out a kitchen, a bedroom, a study, and some sort of laboratory.

Cerberus began to rush toward the bedroom area, and it took everything I had to keep myself and Libidine from being thrown from his back. Meanwhile, Todd was holding on for dear life to a clump of fur on the dog’s neck and looked like a cartoon character as his body flapped in the wind. Each step the creature took shook the entire foundation of the house, but it was surely used to it by now.

Finally, Cerberus came to a stop and lowered his head so we could be on our way. The four of us hopped off, Charon gave the dog a happy scratch on the forehead, and then Cerberus stood up and headed back to his area of the house.

“This place is huge, Charon,” I marveled as I looked back and realized we’d probably covered at least a mile in the last thirty seconds.

“It has to be,” he mused. “I don’t want Cerberus running off while I’m asleep.”

We entered into the ferryman’s sleeping quarters, and it was … interesting, to say the least. There were four dark, brimstone walls that made up the shape of the room, but there was no ceiling and no door whatsoever. There was a wardrobe made out of wood, a medium-sized mattress of fabric and straw that rested upon a protruding flat rock, and a end-table formed of stone that was made to hold a torch. Other than that, it was about as plain of a room as you could get.

“So wait,” Todd said as he rubbed at his chin. “Does Hell have like, hours of operation? It all shuts down for the night, like a giant theme park?”

“Something like that,” Charon explained as he walked toward the open threshold of the sleeping quarters. “After a certain time of day, all souls of the damned, ‘Shades’ as we call them here, are put into a queue and left for me to deal with in the morning.”

“What about him?” I asked as I pointed to the spot where Cerberus had just disappeared. “Lucifer just lets the gates of Hell go unguarded for long periods of time?”

Charon walked over to a small wardrobe, tossed it open, and then stuck his entire upper body into the piece. “Please,” he scoffed. “It’s Hell, Mr. Ralston. Who in their right mind ever wants to come here? Especially in the wee hours of the night?”

“Well, us for one,” I pointed out to the ferryman. “Dante for another. Any of the Army of the Divine…”

“The Divine?” Charon said in a tone that almost made me think he was amused. “The Army of the Divine has only been down here once, and I’m sure your friend Raphael told you how that went. The chances of anyone sneaking into Hell undetected are about as slim as you can get. Unless they have internal help, of course.”

“Of course,” Liby said with a wink.

Charon finally emerged from the wardrobe with three small cylinders made up of wood and fabric. Being an avid camper myself, I instantly recognized them as sleeping cots.

“You get a lot of visitors?” I questioned the man in purple.

“Me?” Charon asked in surprise. “No. I made these so I could use them as stools and miniature tables, that way I wouldn’t have to leave this room if I wanted to eat dinner in here. I always figured that, if I ever had guests, they could use them as cots.”

“This is getting sad, bro,” Todd whispered into my ear.

I walked over to Charon and took the cots proudly. “Thank you so much for your hospitality,” I said to him. “I’d hate to infringe upon your space, so we’re just gonna set up our cots out here, just outside your door.”

“That’s perfectly fine,” Charon yawned. “Pleasant dreams.”

I handed a cot to both of my friends, and then we walked through the threshold of the sleeping quarters.

“Welp, ‘sleeping in the Netherworld’ is something I can now cross off my bucket list,” I joked. “Is it even possible to get a good night’s rest down here, or do you just have nightmares all night long?”

“It’s possible,” Liby shrugged. “I always slept fine. Unless Earl decided he wanted to be unusually cruel and force me to stay up all night on the punishment pole.”

“That does not sound pleasant at all,” Todd admitted.

“It wasn’t.” The succubus shuddered. “It was a thin wooden post located over a large lake of Hellfire. You had to stand on it and balance with a single foot, or else you’d fall. And, of course, it required your absolute attention, so sleeping wasn’t really an option.”

“What an asshole,” I growled as I opened up my cot and patted a few crumbs off its surface.

“What a giant, gaping asshole,” Todd added, and then he clicked open his cot and climbed in.

“What a giant, gaping, disgusting asshole!” Libidine finished it off with a small grunt as she slammed her cot down on the ground. “If I never see that man again in my life, it would be too soon.”

The three of us had positioned our cots to form a small triangle so we could stay close. Even if Charon was a truly neutral entity, even if we had Cerberus guarding over the house, the safest place for us to be was together.

I laid down on my makeshift mattress and struggled to get comfortable. The cot was itchy, rough, and reminded me of sleeping on a burlap sack. Even the tension of the bed wasn’t that great, and I felt my body sagging down so low I was touching the wooden cross beams. Just when I was about to give up and sleep on the rocky floor, Liby’s hand reached out and touched my arm. I glanced over at the succubus, and her bright, violet eyes were staring back at me as she grinned from ear to ear.

“I can sleep anywhere, Jacob,” she said through her wide smile. “As long as we’re together, I’m comfortable.”

Libidine was right. As long as my friends and I were together, nothing could stand in our way. Especially not something as trivial as an uncomfortable cot.

I reached up and cupped my hand over Libidine’s, and then I drifted off to sleep.

The next thing I knew, I was awakened by the loud snarling of Cerberus. My eyes flew open, and I sprang to attention.

“What is it, Jakey?” Todd said through a tired yawn. “We musta been out for hours.”

“I dunno, but I don’t like it,” I growled as I stood to my feet and summoned red Hellfire into my hands.

“Wait!” Charon’s voice called out as he dashed over to our position. “Cerberus senses somebody at the door. You three wait here, and I’ll try and see what’s going on out there.”

The man in purple whistled, and then Cerberus thundered over, snatched him up with his jaws, and took off toward the door.

“I hope this isn’t as bad as I think it is,” I pondered aloud.

“We should pick up our cots,” Libidine observed. “Make it look like we were never here.”

I quickly engulfed the three tiny beds with my green Hellfire and moved them slowly into Charon’s sleeping quarters. Just as I finished arranging the cots, I heard Cerberus’ earth-shaking footsteps approaching.

“Hide!” I hissed to my friends.

The three of us quickly dashed to the other side of the wall and pressed up tightly against it.

“I can assure you gentlemen that there’s nobody here,” Charon’s voice explained somewhat nervously. “Why, I haven’t had any visitors in centuries.”

“Then how do ‘ya explain dis?” a gruff, familiar voice questioned.

“Those?” Charon retorted. “I use those for foot stools and miniature tables. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“You can knock off this charade, Charon,” another familiar voice hissed. “We know he’s here.”

This one was much more charming and slimy, almost like a used car salesman.

“Who?” Charon continued to play dumb. “I can assure you that--”

“Jacob Ralston!” the voice screeched with a twinge of insane anger.

One look at Libidine’s flushed, horrified face told me why the voice sounded so familiar.

It was Earl, the Circle of Sin’s former pimp.

Chapter 11

“It’s him, bro,” Todd explained as if neither of us could figure it out on our own. “The big, gaping asshole.”

“You’re not fooling anyone, my old friend,” Earl sneered at Charon. “Did you really think I’d let my prized possessions go without some way to track them?”

“Track them?” Charon continued to play dumb. “What do you mean by--”

“I mean that Libidine is here!” Earl’s voice was now full of rage. “I intend to kill Ralston and bring her back home where she belongs.”

My fist tightened, and I glanced over at Libidine beside me.

The face of the dark-haired succubus was completely drained of color, and she looked like she was seconds away from passing out. Her entire body trembled in terror as she bit down on her lip to keep herself from crying.

Seeing my beloved Liby like this really, really pissed me off.

I summoned Hellfire into my hands and stood up from the wall.

“What are you doing, Jacob?” Libidine asked in horror.

“Something very, very stupid,” I admitted.

I walked over toward the corner of the room, stepped out from behind my cover, and took on a fighting stance.

In front of me stood Earl, clad in his used-car-salesman gray suit, with his greasy black hair slicked back with god knows how much product. Beside Earl stood another familiar face, the face of the half bull, half man, Gallu. The second demon was already in his transformed state, with his massive black head and furry, hooved feet. To tie it all together, Gallu was wearing his signature full-length leather jacket. Between the two demons stood Charon, who was trying his damndest to cover for us. All three men were standing with their backs facing me, but I refused to be ignored.

“Hey, assholes!” I called out angrily. “Looking for moi?”

Earl and Gallu both turned around slowly, wearing wide grins on their faces.

“Well … well … well,” Earl said in a tone that was smooth like butter. “If it isn’t Jacob Ralston, the mortal. Long time no see, Jacob.”

“It hasn’t been long enough, if you ask me,” I spat back at the fucker.

“How are my succubi doing?” he continued. “I trust you’ve been keeping them up on their practice? I hope you haven’t twisted their minds with foolish things like love and relationships and commitment.”

“You can ask us yourself, Earl,” Libidine snarked as she appeared next to me.

“There you are, Libidine!” the demon pimp exclaimed. “Are you ready to come home? We’ve already missed out on hundreds of thousands of clients in the short time since you’ve been gone.”

“Suck a dick, Earl,” Liby growled. “Jacob is more of a man than you could even dream of being. We’re going to kill you, just like we did back in Las Vegas.”

“Yer gonna kill us?” Gallu laughed loudly. “If I remember correctly, it took everything you had plus a whole lotta fucking luck to beat us last time, and that was only cause you fought dirty. Now dat we’re here on our turf, yer toast.”

“Good to see you again too, lard ass,” Todd mocked.

“I see yer imp is somehow still breathing,” Gallu observed. “I woulda figured you or one of the succubi would have iced him by now.”

“Unlike you assholes, I don’t kill people on a whim,” I explained. “Now, I’ve got somebody else here who’d absolutely love to see you again, Earl.”

I quickly reached up and pressed on the angel-wing tattoo as images of Cupi fluttered through my mind. The ink lit up with a bright, ectoplasmic glow, and then it shot out and formed the figure of the Sister of Greed. Within seconds, Cupi was standing in our presence, polearm in one hand and red Hellfire in the other.

“Cupiditas!” Earl cackled. “I wondered when you were going to--”

Before Earl could finish his sentence, the blunt end of Cupi’s polearm came around and smashed him in the face. A mouthful of blackish-red blood shot from his mouth, and Earl’s normally well-kempt hair became messy and ruffled.

“You bitch,” the pimp hissed through the hands that covered his mouth. “I’m going to--”

“Shut the fuck up, Earl,” Cupi demanded as she came around and smashed into his gut.

The second Earl bent over, the succubus brought her foot up and kicked him in the face.

Without warning, Gallu’s hands lit up with red Hellfire. He clapped them together, formed a somewhat large attack, and then launched it at Cupiditas.

“Not so fast, asshole,” I said aloud as I tossed out a portal of green.

The giant fireball passed through the jade portal and then reappeared directly under Gallu’s body. My target instinctively rolled out of the way of the attack and hurled a small hailstorm of fireballs as he dodged.

I dispelled the fucker’s attack with a few casts of purple fire, and then I quickly turned to my friends. “Liby, you help Cupi with your old boss,” I commanded. “Todd, you and I are gonna fry this bastard and serve him for dinner tonight.”

“Half demon, half-cow probably tastes a fuckton better than vargrats, bro,” Todd mused as he prepared for the fight.

Libidine summoned yellow daggers into her palm, took off toward Earl and Cupi, and launched them at her former abuser with a primal scream. Although I didn’t have time to focus on the girls’ fight, I heard Earl let out a yelp of pain.

And that did put a smile on my face.

Gallu began to charge on our position, and he threw out some fireballs as a form of covering fire. I dispelled the attacks as if they were nothing with spells of purple and green Hellfire that sent them careening back to their original caster. Gallu was able to dodge most of the flaming projectiles, but one of the balls of flame struck him in the left shoulder and caused him to twirl out of control like a ballerina.

Before the bull-demon could re-orient himself, Todd went in for a strike. The imp ran so fast he was little more than a blur of red rapidly approaching Gallu, and then there was a spray of blood from the demon’s leg as the imp sliced open his shin. Gallu let out a deep wail of pain and fell to one knee. Without wasting another second, I spun around and sent a fireball of my own directly into his torso.

The attack struck the bull-demon square in the chest, and there was the smell of burning flesh as he was tossed back onto his bulky ass. When Gallu stood up his entire torso was covered in burns, with patches of fur burnt off in nasty clusters.

“Somebody cooking steak?” Todd joked from somewhere off in the distance.

Gallu struggled to pull himself to his feet before he tried another assault with red Hellfire.

“That rookie shit may have worked on me back in Vegas, Gallu,” I scoffed as I knocked the attack away with ease, “but now I see you’re nothing more than a low-level cronie for Azazel.”

“Fuck you, Ralston,” Gallu bellowed and smashed his fist into his open palm. “I’m one-a the deadliest assassins in the fuckin’ universe!”

“Please,” I growled as I unsheathed my goat-headed dagger from my belt. “I’ve met the deadliest assassin the in universe. I think she’d have no problem killing you with nothing but her little finger.”

I enchanted the dagger with red flames and turned it into a cutlass. Then I readied the blade, dug my feet against the brimstone of Charon’s floor, and charged at the bull-man. He tried to throw down a portal of green fire beneath my feet, but I was too quick. With my free hand, I cast a platform of violet Hellfire, and my feet passed over Gallu’s spell as if it weren’t even there. When I was within striking distance of the asshole, the demon launched a mammoth-sized fireball. Although I’d expected some sort of counter-offense, I certainly wasn’t prepared for a body-sized fireball at point-blank range.

Seconds before my body was incinerated by the bull-demon’s attack, I threw up a wall of purple Hellfire. The impact from Gallu’s attack sent me flying backward, and my dagger skidded out of my hand when I hit the rocky ground.

“That’s right, ya little bitch,” Gallu bellowed. “I gotcha right where I wantcha.”

I quickly glanced over to check on Cupi and Liby, and what I saw was nothing short of glorious. Earl now had his weapon of choice in his hand, a whip made from his arm bone and enchanted with red Hellfire. He was weakly flailing it at the girls, who were both parrying the attacks as if they had been thrown in slow motion.

Libidine laughed as she tossed down a handful of yellow daggers into the ground, and then Cupi joined in by spinning around and sweeping Earl off his feet with her polearm. The demon pimp fell at a weird angle, and the fucker let out a wail of pain as the entire left side of his body was skewered by the spears.

I wiped an armful of sweat from my brow, rolled over onto my back, and hopped to my feet. Just as I got myself in the upright position, Gallu was upon me. He took a swing at my head with his gargantuan fist, but I was too quick. I ducked under the bastard’s attack, summoned red Hellfire into my right hand, and came up with an uppercut directly into Gallu’s snout.

The demon’s head was flung backward, but I couldn’t let up. Gallu may have been a lower-level demon, but he could still do quite a bit of damage at close range. I couldn’t let him recover, not even for a second.

So, I reached up, grabbed Gallu’s ridiculous nose piercing, and ripped it from his snout.

The fucker screamed in pain as the hot metal jewelry tore out his entire septum before he instinctively lashed out with his knee. Unfortunately for him, I was ready. I tossed down a portal of green Hellfire between Gallu’s knee and my stomach, and the asshole ended up smashing himself in the face. Gallu fell onto his ass, and I took the opportunity to strike him in the face multiple times with a glowing red fist. Chunks of charred flesh and blood shot across the floor as I beat the bull-demon’s face in. Gallu tried to knock away my blows with his tree-trunk sized arms, but he was getting way too tired.

Todd made the sound of a bugle charge as he reappeared behind Gallu and leapt onto his back. The imp dug his razor-sharp claws into the demon’s back repeatedly and created an endless spray of crimson mist that painted his already-red flesh a deeper shade of the color.

In one final effort, Gallu threw down a green portal beneath himself, and he and Todd both collapsed into the glowing emerald abyss. There was a sound of crackling Hellfire as they reappeared somewhere behind me, and then a sickly thump followed by a loud “yeoww!” from the Toddster.

I whipped around and saw Gallu had landed on his back, effectively crushing Todd under his bulk. The imp was still alive, but his body almost looked like a cartoon character that had been run over by a steamroller.

Gallu rolled over, put his hands together to form a makeshift bludgeoning weapon, and raised them over his head to go for the killing blow.

“Not so fast, dickweed,” I growled and reached out with my bronze Hellfire.

I cast the glowing bronze spell over Gallu’s fists, and his hands passed through Todd’s body harmlessly. He looked ridiculously confused, but then he brought his hands up again to strike once more. This time, I was able to toss out a portal of green exactly when Gallu’s fists came down. His own hands reappeared above his head and smashed into the crown of his skull violently with a wet crack. Gallu’s eyes went cross, and he fell over onto the ground.

“Did--did you get him, bro?” Todd huffed as he tried to sit up. “I was three seconds away from becoming a fucking pancake.”

A groan from Gallu told us that he wasn’t quite done yet. The bull-demon rolled over onto his side and tossed another large fireball as he did so. I parried the attack with a cast of purple flames, and the Toddster responded by launching a hailstorm of tiny fireballs into Gallu’s body.

Gallu let out several grunts of pain as Todd’s attack sizzled his flesh. The air became filled with the scent of burning hair, and it was enough to make me want to hurl.

“We need to finish this,” I confirmed to the imp. “I dunno about you, but I’m getting tired of the ‘used cow’ smell that’s filling up the place.”

“At least its not methane farts,” Todd added. “Those things are fucking nasty, bro. Swamp Ass is like roses compared to that shit.”

Gallu rolled over onto his stomach and pulled himself onto his hands and knees. He struggled to bring himself to his feet, and he hobbled once he was upright. The bull-demon was bleeding profusely from his nose, and his body was so burnt up that it looked nearly unrecognizable, but then he heaved as his hands lit up in an attempt to summon red Hellfire.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see my enchanted dagger lying on the ground. Gallu’s eyes and mine met for a moment, and Todd added to the atmosphere of the standoff by whistling a popular western tune.

Gallu raised his hands to fire, but I was far too quick on the draw.

I threw a cast of green Hellfire around the demon’s leather coat and used it to lift him about thirty feet in the air. Gallu’s eyes widened in surprise as he was yanked off the ground, and his fireball attacks completely missed their mark. At the same time, I used my other free hand to engulf my goat-headed dagger with a jade spell, picked it up telekinetically, and then launched it at Gallu’s chest.

The flaming blade shot through the air until it finally came to a screeching halt in the demon’s heart. Gallu’s expression instantly changed from one of anger and hatred to one of shock as he fumbled with the hilt jutting out of his chest. The demon was finally able to pull the sword from his body, but it was far too late. What looked like a waterfall of blood was now pouring from his chest wound, and he panickedly flailed around as he tried to cover up the wound.

Of course, there was absolutely nothing you could possibly do to heal a hole in your fucking heart.

I held Gallu in the air until he finally stopped kicking and went limp. Then, I released my spell, and his dead body fell onto the brimstone with a sickly crunch.

“Fucking hardcore, broseph,” Todd said as he extended his tiny hand for a high-five.

I reciprocated the imp’s gesture. “You think that’s hardcore?” I chuckled. “Check out what the girls are doing.”

The two of us looked over to observe Cupi and Liby, and what we saw was poetry in motion.

Earl was still alive, but only because the succubi wanted him to be. His normally-pristine gray suit was tattered to pieces and smeared with his own blood. Every step the pimp took looked like a drunkard in a bar fight, and none of his strikes with the whip were anywhere close to hitting their mark.

Meanwhile, Cupi and Liby were all smiles. Liby giggled as Cupi caught Earl’s whip with her polearm, yanked him closer, and then slugged him across the face with her fist. Not a second later, Libidine unleashed a slew of yellow daggers directly into Earl’s feet. The pimp shrieked with pain as blood poured from his dress shoes, and then Cupi shut him up quickly with another blow from her polearm.

“I have to admit,” Cupiditas explained when she saw Todd and I approach, “this feels good. Like, really, really good.”

“Succubus filth,” Earl spat. “Soon, you will be back under my rule, and the King of the Fourth Circle will use Jacob’s skull as a chalice.”

“Keep telling yourself that, bro,” Todd suggested. “Maybe wish upon a star. Or toss a coin into one of those lakes of fire ya got down here. You know, for good luck.”

“I’m going to kill you, you snarky little imp!” Earl hissed as he lurched forward to grab Todd.

The imp simply stepped to the side and then giggled as Earl’s face smashed into the hard rock of the ground. While his opponent was down, Todd used the opportunity to kick him hard in the side of the face.

Earl rolled over and spat up a mouthful of dark red blood.

As tempted as I was to end this fucker’s life right then and there, we needed him to talk, so I grabbed Earl by the remnants of his shirt and yanked him up to meet my eyes.

“Listen, and listen closely, because I’m only gonna ask once,” I growled. “How does Azazel know we’re here, and how did you find us?”

“He--he doesn’t,” Earl admitted. “Gallu and I were assigned to watch the perimeter of Hell.”

“What about our location?” I demanded. “How did you know we were here?”

“I can answer that one,” Cupi hissed. “Because we were under Earl’s rule for so long, the Circle of Sin developed a sort of ‘sixth sense’ that allowed us to feel when the others were near.”

“It was a protection thing,” Liby elaborated.

“Keep telling yourself that,” Earl chuckled weakly. “It was so I could keep tabs on these pesky succubi at all times. We couldn’t have Azazel’s property wander off, now could we?”

“There,” Cupi said through gritted teeth. “Now you know how he found us and that our cover is still good. Now can we kill this motherfucker?”

The fit blonde succubus flipped her polearm around and pressed the pointy end against Earl’s neck.

“Such feistiness,” the pimp scoffed. “You always were my favorite, you know.”

“You sure had a demented way of showing it,” Cupi growled. “Now, the shoe’s on the other foot. If Jacob was even half as cruel as you were, he would subject you to all the terrible things you’ve done to us over the years. He’d torture you, threaten you, beat you, abuse you … ”

“But Jacob is not like you,” Libidine piped up. “That’s why we love him. That’s why we left you, and that’s why he will always win in the end.”

“How heartwarming,” Earl spat through a mouthful of blood.

While the four of us were interrogating him, the pimp must have somehow gotten ahold of his bone-whip. His face stretched into an evil grin as he brought the pointed end forward, directly at my gut.

I caught the slimy asshole’s blow with my left hand, and the smile faded from his face real fucking quick.

“Fucking coward,” I growled as I yanked the whip from Earl’s hand and threw it across the room.

I raised my free hand up to the pimp’s face, summoned forth as much red Hellfire as I could muster, and then unleashed a beam of the white-hot flames into his face. Earl let out a scream of agony as his flesh was melted from his bones, and then he went silent when his brain was turned into nothing more than ash. When I finally let up on my spell, the pimp was a headless corpse.

“It’s--it’s over!” Libidine bounced up and down happily. “It’s finally over, Jacob! Earl is dead for good.”

Liby continued to jump for joy as she embraced Cupi warmly. The girls deserved to celebrate. Libidine was right, they were finally free. The bastard who had acted as their pimp for thousands of years, the man who tortured them and abused them and forced them to sell their bodies for his own selfish needs, was dead. And for real this time. When a soul was eliminated in the afterlife, it was gone for good.

Earl would never be bothering anyone ever again. Not to mention, the way he went out, sniveling and defeated by his two “favorite” succubi, was a memory I was going to cherish forever.

“That was quite the show,” Charon mused as he reappeared.

“Where were you, Fairy Man?” Todd demanded. “We coulda really used your help. Or at least that giant, man-eating beast of yours.”

Charon just shrugged. “I am forbidden from interfering in these affairs, remember?” he explained. “Sure, I can do small things for you like give you shelter and passage through the Netherworld, but to directly take up arms against an agent of Lucifer is not something that’s on the table.”

“True neutral,” Todd reiterated. “I kinda dig it.”

“Speaking of which,” Liby sighed, “thank the Exalted One Earl and Gallu didn’t sound the alarm to Azazel.”

“Yeah, that was extremely lucky,” I admitted. “Now we at least still have the element of surprise on our side.”

“Not if we keep putzing around,” Cupi added. “We need to get to the Fourth Circle, and fast.”

“I can take you to the back door,” Charon explained, “but from there, you’ll be on your own. Of course, you may always contact me when you’re in need of assistance, and I will see if there’s any way I can help you.”

“How do we do that?” I asked as I glanced around the massive dwelling. “I don’t see a phone or anything like that around.”

“Let me guess,” Todd snickered. “You’ve got a Nokia or a Blackberry or some shit like that?”

“Modern technology?” Charon said with disgust in his voice. “Never in a million years. No, if you want to contact me, use this.”

The man fumbled around in his purple robe and pulled out a small, shiny gold coin. He handed it to me, and I took in the trinket in all of its glory. The coin looked as if it were made of the finest metal in the universe. There were no imperfections, it was perfectly round, and it was about as sturdy as something made of rare metal could be. On the first face of the coin sat an image of a flaming boat on an equally flaming river. This must have represented Charon’s ferry boat on the River Styx. On the opposite side sat a pentagram and a handful of phrases engraved in Latin.

“This may look like a simple coin,” Charon explained, “but it is the single most important item you will have on this mission. Back in the days of Ancient Greece, people would put coins similar to this one in the possession of the deceased. They saw it as a way to ‘pay Charon so they may have safe passage to the underworld.’ Even though they were correct in that their loved ones needed coins, it wasn’t for a toll.”

“You weren’t doing after-death Uber,” Todd added.

“Precisely,” the man in purple continued. “Coins like this one have been enchanted by my magic so entities may pass through the different layers of Hell as they please. There are different types of coins depending on which parts of Hell you are granted access to. That one right there? That’s your ‘master key.’ That one will get you into any part of the Netherworld you possibly could desire.”

“I’m not sure ‘desire’ is the right word,” I chuckled, “but I get the gist. This is our ticket to passing through the Circles without you.”

“Correct.” Charon nodded. “Now, we need to get going before we lose any more daylight.”

“Uh, daylight?” Todd asked curiously. “It’s pitch black out there.”

“On the Hunter’s Plains, sure,” Charon agreed. “Believe it or not, Hell is full of many different types of biomes, each with their own set of rules about how time and the seasons behave. Trust me, you don’t want to be stuck in the Hunter’s Plains when nightfall comes.”

“Let’s get going, then,” Cupi confirmed, and the five of us stood up.

For the sake of time, Cupi and Liby sprouted their wings and flew Charon, Todd, and I over to the exit. The five of us walked back out through the ashy air of the Hunter’s Plains and made our way to the ferryman’s boat. We climbed aboard and set off down the River Styx once more.

We traveled for only about twenty minutes before we reached the massive, sprawling wall of fire that acted as the barrier between Hell and the outside world.

“There,” Charon said as he pulled the boat up to the shore. “That’s where you will go in.”

The man in the purple robe was pointing to a small opening at the base of the wall, just big enough for his own boat to pass through.

“This is where I deliver new Shades every day,” he explained. “This entrance will take you into the First Circle, but I’m afraid I can come no further.”

I nodded in agreement. “I understand,” I told the ferryman. “Those souls aren’t gonna deliver themselves. Thank you for everything you’ve done, Charon. You have no idea how much my friends and I appreciate it.”

Charon sauntered back to his boat and hoisted himself inside. “Just do me one favor,” he said as he looked back at us from the shore. “Make sure you give Azazel my regards. Farewell, my friends.”

“Goodbye, Charon.” I smiled and waved as the ferryman took off to perform his daily duties.

“Sheesh, can you imagine how boring that would be?” Todd scoffed. “Getting up at the exact same time every single day and then going in to do the exact same tasks for hours at a time, every day for the rest of your life?”

“That’s called a job, Todd,” I chuckled. “Although I get why you wouldn’t know that.”

“Hey now,” the imp shot back with a pointed finger. “I worked at Chubby’s Chicken for like, six months.”

“Yeah, and you were fired for asking all the women customers if they’d like any extra pork with their order,” I reminded him.

Todd just shrugged. “Believe it or not, there were actually a bunch of sexy women who came into Chubby’s Chicken,” he mused. “I guess hot people need their chicken tenders too, bro.”

“So, what now?” Libidine asked as she stared into the Styx.

“Now?” I repeated. “Now we hold our breath and jump in. Thanks to Charon’s magic coin, the current should take us right into the First Circle.”

“Ohhhhh no,” Todd refused. “I’ve seen Lord of the Rings, bro. You get into the water with a bunch of creepy-ass souls, bad things happen. It’s no bueno.”

“This isn’t a movie,” Cupi explained. “Shades in the real world are perfectly harmless. In fact, they’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them.”

“So they’re like spiders,” Todd confirmed. “I fucking hate spiders.”

The four of us walked over to a small rock formation that jutted out just above the widest part of the river. As I looked down into the Styx, I saw a variety of different people pass by. There were Shades of the young, the old, the sick, the poor, the rich, and of every nationality you could possibly think of. I took a deep breath as I realized the insanity of what we were about to do.

Then I turned to my friends and smiled. “Who’s ready to take a dip in the River of Souls?” I asked as nonchalantly as I could.

I took one last look at the ectoplasmic river, bent my knees slightly, and then pushed myself off into the abyss.

Chapter 12

The second my body touched the water, a wave of frigid cold shot through my very being. Although the ectoplasmic substance that surrounded me was thick and jello-like in consistency, it was also slimy and warm. The chill didn’t come from the physical environment, it came from the realization that I’d just cannonballed into a river full of dead people.

Todd, Liby, and Cupi were right behind me, and seconds later the four of us were washing down the River Styx, headed into the First Circle of Hell. From up on the surface, the river looked like it was rushing faster than Todd when somebody told him the cops were at the door. However, down here in the depths of the Styx, time felt like it slowed to a crawl.

The water moved past my head as if it were molasses, and through the clear, whitish-gray of the ectoplasm I could see both the spirits of the dead and the swimming bodies of my three friends. Todd was flailing around helplessly, while Cupi and Liby were both trying their best to steer themselves with a breaststroke.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Charon’s coin had begun to glow with a vibrant purple shimmer. As the river swept us further downstream, the color became brighter and more luminous until it felt like my entire figure was illuminated by a deep shade of violet. Cupi noticed this development, as well, and she motioned for us to head up and breach the surface.

This was it. We were in the First Circle of Hell.

My heart pumped in my chest as I kicked my legs and moved upward. Even though we’d only been underwater for less than a minute, my lungs screamed for breath as if it’d been an eternity. There was a panicked tremor that filled my lungs, and I started to worry I wasn’t going to make it up in time. Then, just as my breath started to give out, my head popped through the surface of the river.

I sucked in a massive gasp of air as Liby, Todd, and Cupi appeared in the waves beside me. “Everyone alright?” I asked through labored panting.

“I’m all good, bro,” Todd reassured me, “but this ectoplasm stuff is nasty. I feel like I’ve just been bukkakkaed.”

“There are worse feelings,” Cupi said coyly, and then she began to paddle her way toward the shoreline.

The first thing I noticed about the First Circle was that, unlike the Hunter’s Plains, there was no shortage of light. The entire landscape was lit up with some sort of natural yellow light, and from my spot in the water I could make out a brown sandy beach right next to a sprawling field of grass.

I forced myself to swim over to the beach, pulled myself out onto the gritty ground, and then let out an involuntary laugh as I stared up into the “sun.”

“We did it,” I said in disbelief. “We’re in the First Circle.”

“I wouldn’t get too comfortable,” Libidine warned from the ground beside me. “This place isn’t as cozy as it looks.”

Todd’s tiny body leaned over my head and blocked out the light. “Yeah, bro,” he explained. “The First Circle is where all the ‘good-hearted non-believers’ end up.”

“Good hearted non-believers?” I questioned as I rubbed my temples. “So like, pagans and atheists who still did good during their time on Earth?”

Todd stuck his finger in the air and made the sound of a dinging game show bell. “That’s correct!” he chuckled. “There’s still hope for you yet, Jakey. The First Circle is just a lesser version of what Heaven is like for real believers. It’s actually kinda cruel when you think about it.”

I rolled over, stood up onto my knees, and tried to take in everything around me. Off in the distance I could see a semi-large city, complete with a handful of skyscrapers that looked like the ones we currently had on Earth. The perimeter of the area wasn’t surrounded by anything but bright green grass and the absolute beauty of the weather.

“Did we go through the wrong portal?” I asked, half-joking. “This doesn’t feel like Hell at all.”

“Trust me,” Liby promised, “it’ll get worse.”

The four of us headed toward the city, and I was still having a hard time believing this was part of eternal damnation. The sun was out, there was a crisp summer breeze that flitted across my face and brought along the scent of daisies, and the temperature was absolutely perfect. There was nothing that could bring me down.

Just as I was soaking in the atmosphere, my foot smacked against a large, jagged rock. I fell face-first into the grassy Earth with a hard smack, and my tastebuds were assaulted by a mixture of grass and dirt as the soil flew up into my mouth. I was back on my feet in seconds flat, unhurt, but horribly embarrassed.

“See?” Cupi chuckled. “Liby tried to warn you.”

“If that’s the worst that’s gonna happen to me in the First Circle, I think we’re golden,” I mused.

The fit blonde succubus just crossed her arms and laughed. “We’ll see, Jacob,” she said with a click of her tongue. “We’ll see.”

As we drew closer to civilization, I couldn’t help but notice the tallest building in the city was slightly off-kilter. The body of the skyscraper was so twisted and bent that it was obvious the top wasn’t square with the middle whatsoever. Meanwhile, there was something that just felt … off, about the rest of the skyline. Unlike so many large cities on Earth, the skyline here was filled with large, empty spaces, and none of the structures that appeared looked like they belonged together.

Finally, we reached the edge of the city and took a breather.

“Welcome to Limbo,” Liby announced.

“This is limbo?” I questioned with a raised eyebrow. “I thought that was supposed to be nothing but a big white landscape with nothing around?”

“You’ve watched too many movies,” Cupi said flirtatiously. “This isn’t ‘limbo.’ The city’s literal name is Limbo.”

“That’s … horrifically clever,” I admitted. “And just a tad evil.”

Cupi shrugged. “That’s Lucifer for you,” she explained.

“Where do we go from here?” I asked rhetorically as I looked around. “Is there another main entrance that will take us into the Second Circle?

“That I don’t know,” Liby sighed, “but surely somebody who lives in Limbo would!”

“I like the way you think, Lib.” Todd shot finger guns at the succubus. “Now, who’s an imp gotta torture around here to round up some information? I’ve got my eye on that fucker over there. He’s been eyen’ me for the last minute. Get outta here, Adolf!”

I looked over to see who Todd was talking about, and I nearly choked on my tongue.

It was Charlie Chaplin.

“Uh, Todd?” I tried to defuse the situation. “That’s not Hitler.”

“You don’t have to lie to me, bro,” Todd continued to stare down Charlie. “I’d recognize that mustache anywhere.”

The imp pretended to roll up his sleeves and march toward the silent film actor, but the succubi grabbed him by the arms and lifted him into the air.

“Aww, come on!” he protested. “I’m just doing my duty as an American.”

“Todd,” I explained as calmly as I could. “This is supposed to be a place for non-believers who did good things in their life. Hitler was neither of those things. That’s Charlie Chaplin. You know, the Tramp?”

“Wait,” Todd said as he shook his head. “He played the dog that kissed the other dog with the spaghetti noodle? He must have had some ssserrrrious work done.”

“No, Todd,” I sighed. “The Tramp. The guy with the bowler hat and the cane with the hook.”

“I thought that was the dude who was in Natural Born Killers?” The imp scratched his head as he tried to make sense of it all.

“You’re thinking of the dude with a hook for a hand in Kingpin,” I couldn’t help but laugh. “‘Bowler hat’ is just a style of hat, not the sport with pins.”

“My brain’s about to malfunction from all this mind-fuckery,” the imp sighed. “We need to get a move on before I go into total shutdown mode.”

We passed by the Shade of Charlie Chaplin and sauntered further into the city of Limbo. On the surface, it looked like your standard metropolitan area. There was an above-ground train system similar to the L-Train in Chicago, and as it moved its mechanisms shrieked like nails on a chalkboard. From the outside, it also looked like it was packed to the gills with people. Just off to the northwest of us was a small city park where Shades relaxed, played frisbee, and exercised. I could see a man who appeared to be William Shakespere reciting lines from an upcoming play to a couple that I had a sneaking suspicion were Cleopatra and Mark Antony.

“Bro, is that Carl Sagan over there?” Todd gasped and pointed to a man looking up through a telescope. “That dude’s always been, like, an idol to me. I learned so much shit about the cosmos from him!”

“If you’re excited for him, then you’re gonna love what I’m seeing,” I chuckled and pointed over toward a small crowd of people who had gathered around a makeshift wrestling ring.

The crowd was cheering loudly as a flamboyantly-dressed wrestler was hopping around fighting a man twice his size, delivering soft punch after soft punch to his torso. The larger guy was dressed in a single-piece black leotard, and his opponent had on leopard-spotted spandex and sunglasses.

“Ho-lee shit … ” Todd mused, completely dumbfounded. “That’s--is that-- M--m---”

“Macho Man Randy Savage fighting Andre the Giant?” I finished his thought for him.

The imp stared at the scene for a few more seconds as a devilish grin washed over his face. Then Todd let out a squeal like a happy fangirl and dashed over to where the commotion was taking place.

“Todd must be a huge fan,” Cupi chuckled. “Is this another one of those mighty Earth warriors Todd likes to talk about?”

“Macho Man Randy Savage was Todd’s idol growing up,” I explained. “Whenever kids at school would give him shit, he’d just knock them on the ground, give ‘em a Flying Elbow Drop, and then stand up and scream ‘Oh yeaaaahh!’ This is probably a dream come true for him.”

“And all he had to do to make it happen was to travel into the Lake of Fire,” Libidine said sarcastically.

The succubi and I walked over to the crowd, and instantly I was annoyed. No matter where we stood, I couldn’t see over the outstretched hands of the people in front of me. Even when I finally pushed my way to the front of the masses, I was too close to the ring to see what was going on inside. Every now and again, I’d hear a loud “thud” and the crowd would go wild, but I couldn’t see a damn thing.

“Bro, these seats fucking suck,” Todd sighed from beside me. “I’ve tried turning into every size of person I can think of. Midgets, teenagers, basketball players, you name it. I can’t see shit no matter what I do.”

“Do you think this is one of those ‘imperfections’ that the First Circle is known for?” I questioned. “There’s the match of a lifetime going on in front of you, but no matter what we do our sightline is blocked by the other people.”

“I dunno.” The imp shrugged. “Let me ask. Yo, buddy? Can you tell what’s going on up there?”

The rather large man standing next to Todd turned and looked at the imp sideways. “You must be new here, pal,” he laughed. “This is how it always is. Everybody else sees what’s happening, but none of us can. Welcome to Hell.”

“Come on, Jakey,” Todd said as he hung his head sadly. “This is almost worse than not even being here at all.”

My friends and I left the park and headed toward the city center. We didn’t know exactly what we were looking for, but we sure as fuck knew we’d know it when we saw it. Just then, Liby stopped in her tracks and began to bounce up and down excitedly.

“Ohh, ohh!” she said with a grin. “There’s an ice cream shop over there. Can we stop and get one?”

“I dunno.” I winked at the curvy succubus. “I’m having some vivid flashbacks of the first time I bought you ice cream.”

“That was, how you say, ‘back in the day,’” Cupi protested. “We’ve become much more accustomed to the social practices of Earth.”

“I don’t believe you,” I shot back playfully, “but I could totally go for a sundae right now.”

The girls let out a “hooray” in unison and then dashed toward the door of the ice cream parlor. Todd and I were right behind them, but the succubi were already at the counter placing their order by the time we made it through the door.

“ … And a chocolate for my friend Liby here,” Cupiditas giggled. “She likes the bigger ones.”

“Please,” the curvy succubus scoffed. “It’s not the size that matters, it’s the flavor. And I just so happen to think chocolate is fucking delicious.”

“You totally ordered ice cream without us?” Todd protested. “Not cool, dudette. Not cool at all.”

“Relax,” Liby reassured the imp. “We already placed an order for all eight of us.”

“All eight?” I gasped. “We can only have two of you guys here at a time, remember?”

“Exactly.” Liby grinned. “We can take turns.”

“It’s ice cream in Hell,” I tried to explain. “It’ll melt before we even make the first--”

“That’s where I come in,” Cupi cooed.

The fit blonde succubus summoned blue Hellfire into her hands and blew on the flames seductively. Then she ran her slender fingers over the glass covering of the counter, and it crystalized with her touch.

“See?” she suggested. “I can keep it colder than Sister Ira’s heart. Liby can go back first and send each of our sisters out one at a time.”

The bell at the other side of the counter went off, and the four of us happily walked over to grab our delicious treats. The second my eyes saw the eight mounds of creamy goodness in front of them, drool began to pool in my mouth.

Cupi walked over, grabbed the tray that held the eight dishes, and then walked over to a small table. The parlor was somewhat “modern chic” in that it was open concept, filled to the brim with dark wood, and had lots of whites and browns. Not to mention, it looked like a hipster would be right at home in this aesthetic.

“For you, my love, I got some mint chip,” Cupi explained. “I know it’s your favorite.”

The succubus picked up my dish, cooled it with a quick cast of her blue magic, and then placed it down in front of me on the table.

“You’re damn right it is!” I exclaimed as I grabbed a spoon.

The metal of my utensil cut through the light green delicacy as if it were a hot knife through butter, and a full ribbon of the dessert flipped up into a scoop on my spoon. I raised the delicious treat to my lips, opened wide, and shoved the minty goodness into my mouth. The second it hit my tongue, my taste buds lit up with a refreshing, minty sensation, and a wave of cool satisfaction washed over my body. I allowed the ice cream to melt on my tongue, and then I swallowed the mint-chocolate scoop whole.

Then I felt it. On my tongue, there was a distinct feeling of a tiny strand of hair.

I nearly vomited as I gagged, stuck out my tongue, and plucked the piece of debris away from my mouth. The thing was scraggly, short, and black, much too short to be a strand of hair from our server’s head. Then I remembered that the guy had a large, burly mustache, and I nearly lost my lunch right then and there.

“What’s the matter, Jakey?” Todd giggled. “Cat got your tongue?”

The imp snatched up his own dish, a sundae that was two scoops of ivory-white ice cream topped with gooey caramel, hot fudge, and pecans that were roasted to a golden perfection. The saliva was nearly dribbling down Todd’s chin as he pushed aside the spoon and went in to devour the dessert in a single gulp. As he raised the dish to his mouth, it suddenly slipped out of his hands. The glass shattered against the tile of the floor, and Todd’s ice cream splattered all over the ground.

“N--nooooo!” the imp exclaimed as he fell to the floor and started to slurp up the dessert before it completely melted. Within seconds, Todd let out a yelp, pulled his head back, and plucked a piece of jagged glass from his tongue. “Yep, make no mistake about it. This place is still Hell.”

“You mortals are such wimps,” Liby sighed. “So what if it falls on the floor or has a small little hair in it or even if it’s a tad lumpy? This sort of thing is still a million times better than what we get in the other parts of Hell.”

Cupi picked up her ice cream cone and looked me deeply in the eyes as she ran her tongue around its perimeter. Her most famous tool ran up and down the edges of the red cream, licking it off in large gulps. She used the tip of her tongue to peel off a rather large ribbon of the red dessert, and then she swished it around happily in her mouth. The succubus looked at me, winked, and then swallowed it whole.

“Cherry,” she giggled.

“Amateur,” Libidine shot back from the other side of the table. “I’ve discovered that it’s sooo much better if you do it like this.”

The dark-haired succubus lifted her chocolate waffle-cone into the air, placed the bottom of it in her mouth, and bit off the end with a loud crunch. Instantly, the melted brown goo poured down into her waiting mouth. A bit of it missed and got onto her lips and cheeks, but the succubus just lapped it up bashfully with her tongue. Finally, she wrapped her thin red lips around the hole of the cone and began to suck as hard as she could. The air of the ice cream parlor was filled with her slurping sounds, and then she gulped down the last few bites of waffle cone with a satisfied smile. Liby’s face was covered with melted chocolate goo, but she herself couldn’t be happier.

“That was delicious,” Liby said joyously as she tried to lick the remaining ice cream off her face. “Who’s next?”

“Let’s get Tris down here,” I chuckled. “She hasn’t really done anything yet.”

I placed my index finger against the glowing eye tattoo on my bicep, and the brilliant white light engulfed the succubus’ body and sent her back to the surface world. Next, I put my hand against the image of the smouldering blunt on my arm to call forth the Sister of Sloth. The tattoo glowed, shot out a beam of light, and then formed into the familiar shape of Tristitia.

The brunette succubus’ eyes were completely bloodshot, and the instant the tattoo spell let up the air was filled with a dank, sweet smell that was unmistakably reefer. Tris leaned forward in her chair, looked around slowly, and spread her eyes wide.

“That was totally trippy, dude,” she said in shock. “One minute I’m up there hanging around with Gula and Sia and Ira, smoking some of the ‘ol Rocky-Top Dandelion, and then the next I’m in the middle of an ice cream shop in Hell.”

Todd stood up on his stool and pointed at the succubus accusingly. “You got into the Rocky-Top Dandelion?” he asked angrily. “I was saving that shit for when we got back. It’s like, top-grade celebration weed!”

Tris yawned and leaned back in her chair. “Tell me about it,” she mused. “I feel like I could hibernate for weeks after getting a few puffs of that stuff.”

“How is that any different than your normal routine?” I asked coyly.

“Hey now,” the tall brunette shot back as she sat up straight. “Normally I only sleep for sixteen hours a day. This stuff makes me want to sleep sixteen days straight!”

“I got you some ice cream, Sister,” Cupi explained and held out a dish of the dessert with a glowing blue hand. “They call it the ‘Rastafarian.’ It’s birthday cake flavor but with food coloring that makes it look like the Jamacian flag.”

Tris perked up at the sight of the ice cream. “You know me all too well, Cupi.”

Tristitia grabbed the dessert from her sister and, without even a moment’s hesitation, slammed the entire thing into her mouth. It was almost like watching one of those small cleaner fish, the kind that feed on the algae in their own tank. The transparent bowl formed itself around the contour of the succubus’ mouth, and I nearly laughed out loud when I saw her thick lips sticking to the bottom of the dish from the other side. Finally, she released her grip, sat the empty dish down onto the table, and wiped away any remaining bits of the Jamacian flag with the back of her arm.

“Hey Todd,” she giggled. “I’ve got a secret to tell you.”

Tris beckoned for Todd to lean in close. She moved over so her mouth was less than an inch away from the imp’s ear, and then she let out an Earth-rattling belch. Todd pulled away and grumbled as he rubbed his ear in pain, but Tris simply guffawed at his annoyance.

“Todd must not have been fucking around,” I observed. “That stuff must be reeaally good.”

“Alright, Sister Tris,” Cupi said sadly. “It’s time for another member of the Circle of Sin to enjoy their treat. I think that--Tris?”

In the short time between her belch and Cupi’s address, Tristitia had laid back in the chair and fallen asleep. The succubus snored loudly as she lay there with her hands behind her head and her feet up on the table. Then her slumber was abruptly brought to an end by a loud, screeching siren that came from outside. Tris’ bloodshot eyes flew open, and she came up with her pistols drawn.

“Who the fuck’s attacking us?” she demanded. “Is it Geraldo? I told him I’d have his money by next week.”

“It’s just a police car,” I explained and tried to calm the succubus down. “How about we put the two deadly weapons away?”

“Sorry, bro.” Todd flexed from beside me. “I couldn’t put these things away even if I wanted to. My body’s just too statuesque. Carved directly out of marble and all that shit.”

“More like Play-Doh,” I retorted. “Play-Doh that’s been left out for a few days, more specifically. You know, when it starts getting all hard and crusty and shit?”

“Very funny,” Todd mocked with a fake laugh. “The sun’s out bro, but I don’t see your guns out. What gives?”

“Jacob doesn’t need muscles to impress his women,” Cupi explained. “He’s got a much more potent weapon hidden beneath the fabric of his pants.”

“Ohhhh, yes he does,” Tris added. “It made me feel like I was a tiny log, and Jacob was the splitter, coming at me with his big ‘ol axe.”

Todd’s eyes widened in horror. “Et tu, Slothy?” he gasped.

“Sorry, dude,” Tris said with a shrug. “Me tu.”

“Sheesh,” the imp scoffed. “Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one in this group who’s not getting any action.”

“It’s alright, Todd,” I promised the imp. “Once we’ve saved Invidia and killed Azazel, we can take a little trip back to that diner in Kansas. Maybe your favorite waitress is still working there.”

“Be still, my beating heart.” The imp smiled as he placed his tiny hand on his chest. “Even just thinking of that redhead with the great ass makes my heart skip to the beat of a Peter Gabriel song. I should totally Say Anything her when we get there. In my experience, chicks dig that shit.”

“In your experience?” I asked knowingly. “Your vast experience with all two of your girlfriends?”

“Hey now, Mr. I-don’t-wanna-let-she-who-must-not-be-named-go,” the imp warned with an extended finger.

“Please,” I scoffed. “I was over Tamira--”

Before I could finish my sentence, the imp’s clammy finger slapped over my mouth and cut me off.

“Shhhhhh,” he warned. “We don’t say the name of the beast out loud.”

“I still don’t get why you hated her so much.” I shrugged. “She wasn’t even your girlfriend.”

“You know how dogs have a sort of sixth sense that can tell when a person is evil?” the imp questioned. “Well, the same thing happens when you see your best bro with somebody who is the embodiment of Satan himself. Something never sat right with me about her.”

“I guess I should have listened,” I sighed. “Woulda saved me a lot of heartbreak. Oh well. If I’d never broken up with that bitch, I never would have gone on my dry spell. Which meant I never would have agreed to summon the succubi in the first place, and that would have been the biggest mistake of my life.”

Cupi put her hands on her cheeks and feigned embarrassment. “You’re too kind,” she giggled.

Before any of us could say another word, Tris let out a large, over-the-top yawn. “If you guys don’t mind,” she said as she patted a tired hand over her mouth, “I think it’s time for me to be hittin’ the old dusty trail. Don’t the other Sisters need to eat their treats, as well?”

“Of course,” I mused as I reached out and touched the tattoo of the blunt on my arm. Tris was quickly engulfed by the spell and transported back to Earth.

At the same time, I tapped the flaming whip to call Ira into our presence. The hourglass shaped, dark-haired succubus looked intense when she appeared, and she already had her whip out in her hands and was ready to pounce. When she saw that she was standing in the middle of an ice cream parlor, she hung her head.

“Damn it,” she sighed. “I thought you were calling me forward for a battle.”

“Not quite,” I explained, “but this is even better. Cupi got you some dessert.”

“Bubble gum flavor?” Ira exclaimed when she saw the sundae. “My favorite!”

“What, was orange juice and toothpaste not available?” Todd snorted. “How can anyone eat that shit?”

“Very easily,” Ira shot back. “There’s just something that’s so unique about bubblegum ice cream. It’s just so … ”

“Fucking gross,” Todd interjected. “It’s an abomination to mankind, Crazy Eyes.”

“Maybe that’s why I love it so much.” The succubus grinned. “You know I’m all about the freaks and kinks, Todd.”

Ira stabbed her spoon into the dish and began to shovel giant scoops of the pink dessert into her mouth in rapid succession. With each bite, her eyes rolled back into her head, and she let out a tiny groan similar to the sound she made when she orgasmed. When she finally finished, Ira was panting like a madman.

“Whew,” she sighed. “I think I need a cigarette. My mouth feels like it’s been blown full of Bazooka Joe juice.”

“That--that was not a visual I needed in my life,” I laughed and shook my head. “Or a description of the taste, for that matter.”

As Ira let her sadistic satisfactions settle into her body, I tapped on the tattoos once more. This time, I replaced the Sister of Wrath with the Sister of Gluttony herself, Gula.

“I heard there was ice cream?” the short, curvy redhead questioned the second she was fully in view. “Libidine told me there was ice cream.”

“There sure is, Sister,” Cupi giggled. “We know how much you enjoy your food, so we got you an ‘everything’ sundae. It has every single topping this place has.”

Gula’s eyes lit up when she saw the tiny mountain of delicious dessert in front of her. The base was plain vanilla ice cream, but it was so smothered with crunchy candies, cookie bits, hot fudge, caramel, and marshmallow fluff that you couldn’t even tell.

The succubus dug into her sundae, but she only got about halfway through the dish before she gagged, put her hand on her stomach, and pushed it away.

“I’m throwing in the towel, guys,” she said through a sigh.

“Wait,” Cupi mused, “Gula is … full? What type of bizarro world are we living in?”

“The First Circle of Hell, my bodacious blonde,” Todd reminded her. “Everything here is a ‘lesser’ version of heaven, so maybe it’s kinda like poetic justice?”

“I’d say more like dramatic irony,” I added. “Gula loves to eat, and the ice cream is fucking delicious. But, because we’re in the First Circle of Hell, she’s not able to eat as much as she normally does without getting full. Dramatic Irony at its finest.”

Gula raised her hand and let out a pained groan. “Tag me out, coach,” she begged. “Before I upchuck all over this beautiful parlor.”

“That just leaves one last succubus,” I observed and touched the battle-axe tattoo on my arm. “Sia.”

Gula disappeared into a flash of white light, and the three of us were left alone. I instantly pressed on the image of the golden hand that was ingrained into my bicep, and Sia was teleported to our position in seconds.

“Ice cream, at a time like this?” the redheaded madame scoffed when she looked around at our surroundings. “What is next? Are you going to stop by the spa and get a massage before we journey deeper into the Lake of Fire?”

“Stop being such a sour-pus, Sister,” Cupi sighed and extended a dish of ice cream to Superbia. “Here, it’s strawberry, just the way you like it.”

Sia seemed distant for a second or two, but then she hesitantly took the dessert from her Sister’s hand. “I suppose,” she finally caved. “I do like strawberry.”

“See?” Todd snickered. “All this time of calling you ‘Strawberry Shortcake’ has really paid off!”

Sia took the longest of any succubus to finish her dessert. The Sister of Pride took tiny, proper bites of the ice cream, and Cupi was forced to hold her spell for nearly another thirty minutes. When she was finally done, the redhead dabbed at the corners of her mouth with a napkin, sat the dirty rag down next to her empty bowl, and let out a long breath of satisfaction.

“So, what’s our plan of attack?” the madame asked curiously. “Do we intend to sneak into the Second Circle on our own, or do we have any sort of contacts around here that could assist us on our quest?”

“It’s the First Circle.” I shrugged. “Technically, I know seventy-percent of the people here in some way or another. Most of them are famous figures from history.”

“So what?” Todd asked. “We're just gonna go find Abe Lincoln and ask him if he can guide us through the rest of Hell?

“You joke, but yeah,” I chuckled. “That’s exactly what we’re going to do.”

We were gonna find somebody who knew their way around this literal Hellhole, and they were going to be our ticket to getting into the Second Circle.

Chapter 13

“So … are we sure we can’t find Carl Sagan?” Todd asked hopefully. “He was an atheist, but he also was totally one of the most wholesome guys to ever walk the Earth. He’s gotta be down here somewhere.”

“Todd,” I reiterated. “I know how much you want to meet Carl Sagan, but I’m not sure how much he would be able to help us. We’re trying to travel through the Circles of Hell, not find Orion’s Belt.”

“Wow, bro,” Todd scoffed. “You’re really, reaaaallyyy downplaying Mr. Sagan’s accomplishments.”

“That’s not what I mean,” I said as I rolled my eyes at the imp. “It’s just we need to find somebody who’s been down here for awhile. Sagan died in, what, nineteen ninety-six? That’s less time than I’ve been alive, bro.”

“Fine,” Todd finally conceded, “but if we ever come back down here, I’ve got an entire list of people I want to get autographs from.”

“Come back down here?” I laughed aloud. “Who in their right mind would ever come to Hell willingly?”

“Somebody who controls one of the Circles,” Cupi suggested. “If we’re really serious about taking out Azazel, the Fourth Circle will need a new king.”

“How does that even work?” I asked as we continued down the streets of Limbo. “Is it simply whoever kills the old king? Is there an election? Does Azazel have an heir I need to worry about?”

“That’s the beauty of this adventure, Jacob!” Sia chimed in. “If we are victorious, you will sit on the throne of the Fourth Circle.”

“Is that really the best idea?” I asked as I stepped into a puddle of some unknown liquid. “To have a mortal sitting on one of Hell’s thrones? Don’t you think Lucifer might get a little pissed off about that?”

“Surely he will,” Cupi added, “but if there’s one thing I’ve learned about our former boss over the years, it’s that he’s all about survival of the fittest. If Azazel is weak enough to fall in combat to a mortal, then Lucifer will allow it. He might not be thrilled about it, but he won’t interfere directly.”

“So then what?” I questioned the succubus. “I take over the Fourth Circle, which by all accounts is a horrific place. Do I start turning everything into sunshine and rainbows? That really wouldn’t go over well with the powers that be.”

Cupi shrugged. “Aesthetically, you couldn’t do very much to change the Fourth Circle,” she admitted. “However, you could change its social structure. You could free all of the tormented souls that dwell there. You could allow Raph and the Army of the Divine to use it as a base in case they ever want to try an all-out assault on Hell again. Fuck, you could turn it into an expansion of the Velvet Lips for all I care! Once it’s yours, it is yours.”

“I find that hard to believe,” I admitted. “Lucifer is just going to let a mortal have full reign over a major piece of his domain?”

“Azazel has reigned for multiple millennia,” the fit blonde explained. “Several have challenged him, but none have won. I’m guessing if we can truly defeat the Father of Warfare in battle, then he will honor his word.”

“If you say so,” I retorted skeptically. “He is the Devil, after all. I’m not sure how much you can trust his word.”

“Very much, actually,” Sia explained. “The whole ‘lying trickster’ thing is just a giant piece of propaganda put forth by the Exalted One. There’s a reason that a ‘deal with the Devil’ is played up the way it is.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” I said with a shrug. “For now, we just need to get to the Fourth Circle and save Invidia. We’ll worry about the aftermath later.”

The five of us finally came up to a large, green park located in the middle of the city. All around us were “virtuous non-believers” who did a lot of good in their lives but refused to believe in the Judeo-Christian doctrines. I recognized a couple of the people from my history classes, such as Howard Hughes and Benjamin Franklin. The two famous figures sat underneath a large apple tree, chatting it up as they took bites out of the tree’s fruit.

Todd suddenly burst into laughter. “Bro, you wanna see the definition of ‘irony?’” he asked playfully and pointed. “Check it out.”

I looked over in the direction Todd was referring to and let out a small guffaw. There, in the middle of the park, stood Julius Caesar. Unlike the rest of the people in the First Circle, who all wore modern-day attire, the former Roman Emperor wore a vibrant white toga that flowed off his body and billowed in the wind. Most hilarious, however, was the fact that he appeared to be talking to Brutus and Cassius.

“This is rich,” Todd cackled and fell to the ground. “Even Hell doesn’t know whose side to take on that issue, so all three of ‘em are down here!”

“Do you think Caesar would help us out?” Sia asked. “He was a great general, right? Whatever it takes to get us home.”

“I don’t speak Italian,” I sighed.

“You don’t have to,” Cupi explained. “In the afterlife, everybody speaks the same language. Watch.”

The blonde succubus walked up to Julius Caesar and his friends and began to talk to them in English. All three of the men seemed to understand what she was saying, but they didn’t look amused. Instead, their faces flushed red, and then they dashed away from the succubus.

“They said they’d love to help us,” the fit blonde sighed as she made her way back toward us, “but they also said they don’t want to get on Azazel’s bad side. Apparently he’s been a lot more on edge lately, and the last person from the First Circle who crossed him was brutally murdered. But not before he was publicly humiliated and tortured. Caesar said he’s already been through enough of that, so I totally get why he didn’t want to help.”

“Who was the last person to defy him?” Todd pondered aloud.

“Napoleon, apparently,” Cupi answered. “He tried to bring together a bunch of the great military leaders from history and form a rebellion, but most of them were too afraid of what would happen if they did. Apparently, Leonidas the Spartan ratted him out.”

“Again, irony,” Todd chuckled.

“So what,” I continued, “the rebellion fell apart and Napoleon was killed?”

Cupi got a horrified look in her eyes as she nodded. “Yes, but Brutus made it a point to tell me to check out the town square. He said that would tell us all we need to know about why people aren’t going to help us.”

“The Town Square … “ I muttered as I looked around to see if I could locate it.

Beyond a few Egyptian-looking men trying to pull their frisbee out of a tree there stood a sign that read Limbo Center, with an arrow that pointed west.

“Close enough,” I said with a shrug and motioned for my friends to follow me.

The four of us walked down the sidewalk, past a couple of “mom and pop” stores that looked like they had seen better days and a few restaurants that were super busy, but wore their poor health code scores like a badge of honor on their window. We turned the corner, and I froze in my tracks and let out a gasp of shock.

Before us was a town center, all right. There was a large statue of Asmodeus, the King of the First Circle, placed directly in the center of a fountain. The sculpture looked as if it were made out of pure brimstone, and it glowed red-hot around its detailing. The fountain it stood in, however, wasn’t a typical water fixture. Instead, it ran crimson with blood. As jarring as that was to see, it wasn’t even close to the most shocking thing in the center.

Just above Asmodeus’ statue hung a string of mangled bodies.

One of them was hanging upside down, missing its head and its feet. Another one had its chest torn completely open, and its ribcage jutted out at an angle to form some sort of inverse, gory butterfly wings. Then there was another one that hung from its neck, with its rotten tongue flapping out of its mouth and its eyes bulging out like a frog. Most disturbing of all, however, was the fact that he was missing his entire lower half, and what looked like his severed penis had been forced into his right hand like a fleshy sword. Above them all hung a warning, written in blood, that said “Beware those who betray their master” in Latin.

“Jacob?” Sia cried. “I think I’m going to be ill.”

“You and me both, Strawberry Shortcake,” Todd agreed as he put his hand over his mouth. “That shit ain’t right.”

“Well, that explains what Brutus meant,” I sighed and averted my eyes from the scene. “If that’s what happens to the people who try to break out of the First Circle, I can see why nobody has ever done it before.”

“It’s absolutely barbaric, that’s what it is.” An unfamiliar voice spoke up from behind us. “I know this is supposed to be Hell, but there could be a bit more civility.”

I turned around slowly and saw a somewhat burly man dressed in a nice three-piece suit. He had curly black hair and a bushy beard that ran all the way down to the center of his chest. His eyes were sunken, and his nose was massive. In his hand he carried an old book with some Greek writing scribbled onto its spine and a cover that looked like it had seen better days.

“Tell me about it, bro,” Todd gagged. “I don’t think I’m gonna eat for weeks after seeing this shit.”

“Don’t fool yourself, Todd,” I tried to lighten the tense mood. “You’ll be munching on something the second we leave this city center.”

“Phrasing, bro,” the imp giggled awkwardly. “Besides, I’m saving my munching for when I get back to Kansas. Then, I’m gonna make that beautiful redhead in the diner call me ‘Dyson’ thanks to how well I’m gonna tear up that carpet.”

“That’s too much information, Todd,” Sia groaned. “Even for us succubi.”

“You’d better hope she still works there when we get back to Earth,” I warned the imp. “The last thing you want to do is go on a statewide manhunt to find her with no leads whatsoever.”

“Nah, bro,” Todd said with a wave of his hand. “She’s still there. I can sense it. Our souls are totally connected, bro.”

“Actually,” the bearded man spoke up, “it’s been proven our souls do make up two halves of a singular being. I wrote about it in my work, The Symposium. Perhaps you’ve heard of it?”

“Wait a minute … ” I said aloud as I took in the man’s words. “You’re Plato.”

The bearded man did a small bow and nodded. “In the flesh,” he announced. “It’s nice to meet you four. Are you new to the First Circle?”

“Sure are,” I confirmed. “And hopefully we’ll be leaving soon.”

The philosopher looked perplexed. “Oh?” he mused curiously. “That scene back there doesn’t deter you?”

“It’s horrific, but it just makes me want to get at the asshole who did it even more,” I explained. “My name is Jacob Ralston, and these are my friends.”

Plato extended his free hand and shook my own. “Ahhhh, you are the ‘Mortal’ everyone has been gossiping about,” he said with a smile. “I never thought I’d actually meet you, especially not down here in the Lake of Fire.”

“Why do people keep calling it that?” Todd pouted. “We’ve been down here for hours, and I have yet to see a single body of water that’s on fire.”

“Patience is a virtue, my friend,” Plato reassured the imp. “Once you’re down here long enough, you’ll see every horror Hell has to offer. Especially if you do decide to leave the First Circle. Believe it or not, it’s the best one.”

My eyes flitted back over to the mangled corpses in the city center. I found it hard to believe it could get much worse than that, but then I remembered everything the succubi had told me about this place. It was going to get a Hell of a lot worse if we didn’t proceed with caution.

“Follow me,” Plato said as he turned down the street. “We should talk about this somewhere else. Somewhere … not so public.”

We followed the philosopher for about thirty minutes as he led us to the outskirts of the city. When we finally reached Plato’s dwelling, Todd and I couldn’t help but share a humorous glance.

It was a giant cave carved out of the brimstone.

“Go ahead and laugh,” the philosopher sighed. “I thought it was quite funny myself the first time I arrived. Then it got old after a few weeks, and now it’s just depressing that I have a cave while everybody else in this god-forsaken place has their own house. Although I will admit, it’s a relief there isn’t any maintenance that needs to be done here. I heard Kant’s house always has a leaky roof and Confucious’ home keeps getting holes punched in the wall by his neighbor. I also hear that Tut kid is a real little shit.”

“Man,” Todd whistled. “This place really is a ‘death by a thousand cuts’ sorta thing, isn’t it?”

“It’s a ‘lesser’ version of Heaven,” Sia explained. “Lucifer thought it’d be humorous to create the spitting image of the Exalted One’s territory, but with several minor issues that were persistent for eternity. It’s actually very cruel when you stop and think about it.”

“That, plus the fact that if you step out of line or try to escape you end up upside down with your dick cut off and shoved in your mouth,” Cupi added.

“Please,” Plato scoffed as we entered into his dwelling. “The people you see out there were the most foolish of all the fools in this place. They tried to use brute force to defy the Demon Kings openly, and they failed miserably. If you truly want to get out of the First Circle, you must use your brain. With a little help from Charon’s coins, of course.”

The cave that we entered was kinda sad to see. The brimstone walls were lit completely by torchlight, and they looked wet and slimy. An uncomfortable looking couch sat in front of a box TV that came straight out of the eighties, and the room was tied together with a massive bookshelf full of ancient texts and notebooks. At the other side of the dwelling sat a makeshift icebox, a freezer that had a flame of blue Hellfire running underneath it constantly. Directly next to the icebox was a small rock formation that was just large enough to fit a camping stove.

“I see the look in your eyes,” Plato chuckled. “Do not pity me, my friends. I may be stuck in a cave, but I choose to live like this. My mind is much, much sharper when I don’t have to worry about modern luxuries. The only thing I did end up springing for was a memory foam mattress. There was no way I was sleeping in a bag on the floor like some of my philosopher friends suggested.”

“Amen to that,” I chuckled. “So you want to escape, too, Plato?”

The philosopher looked annoyed at my question. “Have you actually read any of my works, Mr. Ralston?” he asked.

“Back in some of my lower-level college courses,” I answered with a shrug. “Why do you ask?”

Plato crossed his arms. “Because,” he explained, “escaping a false sense of reality is kind of my whole thing. Even though I know the rest of Hell is ten times worse than this, I’d rather know the truth and be trapped in eternal torment. False realities are even more horrific in my eyes.”

“Oh, oh!” Todd said as he raised his hand in the air and danced back and forth. “The Cave. You’re totally talking about The Cave.”

“Very good, imp,” the philosopher laughed. “I’m glad to see people are still familiar with my work.”

Cupi stepped forward with a sigh. “Look, Plato,” she started, “we appreciate the hospitality, we really do. But how is this going to get us out of the First Circle and into the Second?”

“All in due time, my dear,” the philosopher explained. “First, we would need a coin from Charon, the ferryman of Hell.”

Todd snickered at Plato’s words, but I rolled my eyes and fished around in my pocket. Finally, I produced the small gold circle Charon had given us.

“You mean, like this one?” I asked rhetorically.

“That’s it!” Plato grinned. “I love it when the hard part of the job is already done for me. I had a whole elaborate plan to lure him here and mug him and everything. There was a very good chance it wasn’t going to work, but now we’re in the clear.”

“Great.” I nodded. “So the hard part’s over. What’s the next step, then?”

“Now, I just need to find the Porta in Circuli secundi,” the philosopher explained. “I’ve narrowed it down to a few places here in the city, but it shouldn’t take me more than a few hours to find the exact location. In the meantime, why don’t you four go get some shut eye? My bedroom is right down the hallway, and you are all weary travelers who must be exhausted. Go get some rest, and I’ll have the location to the gateway when you wake up.”

I suddenly felt Sia’s slender hand against my chest. “Well, we certainly won’t say no to that offer,” she giggled. “I don’t know how you two feel, but I could use a cat nap. Holding that spell open between the two realms is exhausting.”

“Uh, Plato?” Todd asked panickedly. “Can I stay out here with you? Maybe crash on the couch? I know what these three are planning, and I want no part in it.”

“They’re going to have intercourse.” Plato nodded. “I figured as much. A demon lord has to recharge with his succubi every so often or else their power levels will fall to dangerous lows. I just assumed you were in on the action, as well.”

Todd’s face contorted into a look of terrified disgust. “No fucking way, bro!” he protested. “I’m all for free love and all that shit, but in the heat of the moment, swords could clash. There are no amount of ‘no homos’ that could make that right. And with my best bro and two demon chicks, to boot? No way, Jose.”

Plato shrugged. “You need to remember where I came from,” he laughed. “It was a much, much different time.”

“Oh yeah, Ancient Greece,” Todd shuddered. “Those people diddled everything that had a pulse. They had badass temples, though.”

“Indeed, my friend,” Plato continued. “Indeed. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back to my cartography while your friends go off to make their connection. They’re going to need to be at full strength if we wish to travel between the Circles.”

“Well, when you put it that way … ” Cupi said slyly as she tugged at my arm.

“Don’t get too loud, you kids,” Todd joked as we walked away. “But seriously, keep it down. The Toddster needs his beauty sleep.”

Sia and Cupi led me down one of the passageways of the cave to a room with a simple sign that read Bed. Inside was a massive queen-sized mattress with golden silk sheets and large pillows double the size of my head. The second we were inside the room, I felt my shirt being pulled over my torso.

Sia’s thin lips smashed against my own as we began to kiss passionately. At the same time, Cupi was running her hands all along my midriff, slowly moving down toward the waistband of my pants.

I pulled back for an instant and became painfully aware that there was nothing standing between us and the hallway outside. “Wait,” I sighed. “There’s no door. I really don’t want Todd or Plato walking by and seeing more than they need to.”

Cupi grinned as she summoned green Hellfire into her hand. This was the first time I’d ever seen her use the spell, but I really didn’t have time to process it at the moment. The succubus waved her flaming palm in a circular motion, and the oversized wardrobe that sat against the wall lifted off the ground, floated through the air, and landed right in front of the doorway so it was completely blocked.

“There,” Cupi said seductively as her eyes looked me up and down hungrily. “Nothing is going to stand in the way between us and you, Jacob.”

Maybe it was just the fact that I was still on edge from being in Hell, or maybe it was the way the succubus purred out her words. Either way, Cupi’s demeanor made my cock throb hard in my pants, and it rose to attention to greet her.

“There we go,” Sia giggled as she pressed her petite body up against mine. “Now there’s nothing between us. Nothing but this thin, man made fabric, that is.”

The madame slid her hand down my pants slowly, and her slender fingers wrapped around the base of my erect cock. She began to stroke at my dick tenderly as our tongues explored each other’s throats, and then she began to push me back toward the bed. With a gentle push, I fell backward onto the springy mattress.

Cupi strutted up behind Sia and started to gently kiss at the madame’s neck. Sia responded with a coo of satisfaction as she reached back and ran her left hand through the blonde’s hair. At the same time, Cupi gently kissed her way down Sia’s back and tugged off the Sister of Pride’s leggings, exposing the thin, delicate slit between her legs. Normally Sia was completely shaved, but I noticed that this time she had a small, fiery red landing strip.

“I--I wanted to try something different for you, Jacob,” Sia said bashfully. “I hope you like it.”

I smiled and nodded down at the massive bulge in my pants. “I love it,” I said with a wink. “I can’t wait to inspect it closer.”

“You heard the man, Superbia,” Cupi joked playfully. “Get in there!”

The blonde succubus smacked her sister on the back, and the half-naked Sia stumbled forward toward my waiting dick. Cupi swiftly ran over to me, got down on her knees, and nearly ripped my pants off.

My rock-hard cock stood straight up in the air, and Cupi smiled as she grabbed it in her hand. “I’ll never get tired of this, you know,” she giggled and wagged her tongue out of her mouth.

“Neither will I,” I gulped, and then the succubus ran her wet tongue across the length of my dick.

I groaned with intense pleasure as she made her way up and down, from the tip of my head to the base of my balls, in rapid succession. About the fifth time through, Cupi stopped at the head of my penis, pressed her lips against it, and shoved her head downward. I felt the ridges of her throat tickle my cock as she bobbed up and down, stroking the exposed part of my cock with her hand as she did so. If it wasn’t for the fact that I had to pleasure both of these women, I would have orgasmed then and there.

There was definitely more than one reason Cupi was known for her “sharp tongue.”

Sia was watching intensely, biting her lip as she allowed her tiny fingers to rub at her clitorus. “Don’t keep me waiting too long, Cupiditas,” she warned.

My dick slid out of Cupi’s mouth, and she turned to her sister coyly. “Well, then you’d better get the fuck on here, then,” she demanded. “I’ve got him all started for you, but he’s not going to last for that long.”

Sia walked over, straddled my cock, and then began to lower herself down. She let out a small gasp as Cupi guided it in, and then the blonde pulled back so she could enjoy the show. The redheaded madame’s eyes rolled back in her head as she slowly moved herself up and down on my dick. The succubus was super wet, and her pussy lips felt like pure ecstasy as they ran along the sides of my erection.

While Sia was pleasuring me, Cupi started to strip seductively. She waggled her hips as she pulled down her jeans, making sure her legendary ass was exposed at just the right moment. She playfully tugged her jeans down to her knees and then flicked them across the room with an adorable kick. Then, she wrapped her hands along the bottom of her white shirt and pulled upward. The fabric slid along the succubus’ torso, exposing her flat stomach and her tiny, perky breasts as it moved up her body. Her bright pink nipples stood erect in the cold air of the cave, but the look she was giving me could have melted even the coldest of icebergs.

The air of the bedroom was filled with the moaning sounds of Sia and I, and our sounds of pleasure were now almost in unison. Then, without warning, I saw Cupiditas’ hand wrap around Sia’s waist and reach down toward her pelvis. Cupi’s fingers rubbed hard against the madame’s clitorus, and her other free hand slid up and cupped Sia’s nipples between her fingers. She slowly tugged Sia’s shirt off, and the redhead’s tiny breasts wiggled up and down with each thrust of my hips.

Sia’s moans grew more and more intense, and I knew she was nearly at the end of her rope. The hand that had been on the redhead’s tiny breasts was pulled away and then suddenly reappeared against my balls as she rubbed gently.

“Oh! I think I’m about to--” Sia said, but then her words were cut off by an intense orgasm.

The sound of the madame’s pleasure caused me to finally lose control, and I filled Sia’s pussy with my own orgasm. Cupi pulled back, and Sia fell on top of my body. The two of us shared a passionate kiss, but then the tiny redhead was flipped over by her sister.

“You don’t get to horde it all,” Cupi protested.

The blonde succubus buried her face in between Sia’s legs, and the madame gasped with a mixture of shock and pleasure. She reached down and grabbed the back of Cupi’s head as she arched her back and took it all in.

I felt the familiar throbbing sensation return to my dick, and I noticed it was growing into an erection once more. The sight of Cupi going down on Sia after I’d filled her with my cum got me all hot and bothered, and I knew I needed to get in on all of this. I rolled out from underneath Sia, stood up, walked over behind Cupi, and slid my still dripping wet dick into her.

Cupi tensed up and let out a massive moan of satisfaction as I pushed myself all the way into her. Those moans turned into gasps of pleasure when I started to slowly move my cock in and out of her from behind. My eyes flitted back and forth between Cupi’s tight ass and Sia’s petite body, both of which were bouncing seductively from the force of my pumps. The succubi were in pure bliss, moaning as their hands explored each other’s bodies.

I felt a dull sensation rise up in my loins, and I knew I was gonna have to end this fast. I grabbed Cupiditas’ hips with both of my hands and started to thrust as quickly as I possibly could. She responded with a series of short, hurried gasps, and then she grabbed a handful of the silk sheet with her left hand. Then, it was like she went mute. All of her sounds stopped, but her body tensed up, and her face was frozen in a look of pure pleasure. She held the pose for a solid minute, and then Cupi let out the longest, loudest moan I’d ever heard her make.

She must have sensed that my orgasm was imminent, because the fit succubus pulled herself off me, spun around on her knees, and started to stroke my dick as fast as she could. I let out a low, guttural groan as I unleashed my cum all over the succubus’ face and chest, and she just smiled the entire time.

When I was finally done, Sia crawled over. “I must return the favor, Cupiditas,” she cooed and began to lick my orgasm off Cupi’s chest.

The two succubi playfully caressed each other for another moment or two, and then they turned to me and giggled. Both of the naked women crawled up into bed, making sure I could see their bodies in all their glory as they moved. They spun around, laid down on their backs, and patted the area next to where they laid.

They didn’t have to tell me twice. I walked over to the bed, plopped down between the two women, and held them tightly in my arms. They both rubbed my chest lovingly for a while, and then we all drifted off to sleep.

Chapter 14

“No, no, no,” Todd argued with Plato as the succubi and I re-entered the main room of the cave. “Why would a secret portal be located in the middle of a shopping mall? What city even has malls any more?”

“Cities that are located in Hell and are supposed to be full of minor tortures for its residents,” Plato shot back. “I believe it’s in the old arcade in--oh, there they are! How’d it go?”

The bearded philosopher smiled joviantly when he saw us approaching, but I just tried to keep myself from cringing at his question. “It went, uh--well,” I said hastily and tried to change the subject. “How are things going out here?”

Todd rubbed his temples and let out a long sigh. “Well, I tried to get some rest and relaxation, but it sounded like a freight train was barrelling through these caverns,” he explained. “A freight train whose name was Jakey Jr.”

“It’s called the ‘Warhammer,’ thank you,” I said aloud, even though I didn’t know where it came from.

Todd and the succubi looked at me with confusion in their eyes. “Are you okay, bro?” the imp finally asked. “That didn’t sound like you at all. You’re all humble and shit.”

“I--I don’t know what came over me,” I admitted. “The words just slipped out.”

“The Immolation Spell,” Sia muttered. “Your subconscious is starting to meld with the rest of the succubi.”

“That did totally sound like Ira,” Todd said curiously. “She’s always the first one to speak up about the size of your peas and carrot.”

“Oh great,” I sighed. “So now I have to worry about what I’m saying and who’s saying it.”

“It’ll be fine, Jacob,” Sia promised. “We’re in Hell. Rude words are nothing compared to what goes on down here normally.”

“On that point,” Plato interrupted, “can we get back to the task at hand? I believe I’ve narrowed the location of the Porta in Circuli secundi to two spots, but Todd and I cannot agree on which one is the correct one.”

“I say it’s at the base of Mount Diablo,” Todd argued. “It’s a fast-travel portal that leads you into the Second Circle of Hell. I’ve played enough video games to know it’s gotta be at the bottom of some evil-sounding mountain.”

“But see?” Plato argued heatedly. “That’s exactly why I think it’s in the arcade. Lucifer may be given a bad rap by the forces of the Divine, but he is far from stupid. Why would he hide such an important architechtural feature of Hell in the most obvious place?”

“Probably because it’s guarded by swarms of his minions?” Todd argued. “Duh. It’ll be like a full-on dungeon crawler mission, guys!”

“Lucifer keeps almost none of his forces in the First Circle,” Plato sighed. “It’s a relatively peaceful place, save for, well, you know. Either way, I’m sure it’s at the arcade. It has to be.”

“You’re not denying me a dungeon crawling adventure, beard-bro,” Todd muttered angrily and pulled himself up onto a chair.

The imp and Plato were now at eye level, looking angrily into each others eyes and waiting for the other one to break.

“Guys, guys,” I chuckled awkwardly and stepped in between the two. “There’s no need to fight. You’re both bringing up valid points.”

“So you do believe me?” Todd asked happily. “Ha! In your face, planet boy!”

“Plato, not Pluto,” the philosopher sighed and put his hand over his face. “We’ve been over this a million times.”

The imp began to break out into a celebratory dance reminiscent of an Irish Jig, but I threw up a hand to stop him just before he got too into it. “Todd,” I explained, “we’re gonna follow Plato’s advice on this one.”

Todd instantly halted his dance, and his mouth fell agape in shock. “You-- but I--” he uttered. “I thought we were besties, bro?”

“We are, we are,” I promised the imp, “but Plato is one of the most brilliant minds in the history of the world, and he knows the First Circle better than any of us. I trust his intuition on this one.”

Todd hung his head in shame. “Fine,” he sighed. “Let’s go check out the arcade. They’d better at least have Pac-Man, bro.”

My group grabbed the few things we’d brought with us, and then we followed Plato out of the cave and back toward the city of Limbo. We walked for thirty minutes or so, until we were back on the west side of the metropolitan area. Finally, the bearded philosopher led us to our supposedly final destination, a large, three-story mall that read The Nine Circles on its front.

“That’s the most original name they could come up with?” Todd laughed. “I could come up with something more clever in my sleep, bro.”

“Really?” I asked with a raised eyebrow. “Like what?”

“I, uh--” Todd rapped his claws against his chin. “I dunno. Give me a minute or two. I haven’t smoked a joint in, like, four hours, so my brain is a little murky.”

“Did somebody say they needed a joint?” a hippy-looking man said as he stumbled up to our group. “I got the hook-up for you right here, man.”

The mysterious stranger held out a freshly-rolled doobie in his hand and offered it to Todd. The imp’s eyes lit up with joy as a toothy grin spread across his face, and he snatched up the herb-filled tube in his tiny mitts.

“I don’t know who you are, bro,” Todd sighed and called forth red Hellfire into his hand, “but you’re a lifesaver.”

“Don’t mention it, duderino,” the mall hippy exclaimed as he walked away.

Todd lit the end of the joint, placed it in his mouth, and took a deep breath. Suddenly, his eyes went wide, and he began to cough violently as smoke billowed from his nostrils. The imp’s hacking fit went on for a minute or two until he was finally able to gulp in air comfortably.

“What’s the matter?” I asked. “Did that asshole poison you?”

“Was it a cruel prank?” Sia added. “Is there rotten fish in the joint or something like that?”

“W--worse,” Todd gasped and tossed the joint away at lightning-fast speed. “It’s … it’s that shit that costs a dollar an ounce. What kind of cruel fate is this?”

“Did you really think you were going to get good cannabis in the First Circle of Hell?” Plato asked coyly.

“Of course not,” Todd shuddered. “But this shit? This shit … ”

The five of us walked into the mall, and I instantly felt like I had been transported back to my youth. The entire place felt like it had been ripped straight out of an eighties movie. Out-of-date stores lined each side of the interior, broken up every now and again by a restaurant that looked barren and had a “closed” sign above its counter.

“This place looks like a ghost town,” I observed as we walked through the building. “I don’t see any other shoppers in sight.”

“That’s the way it’s meant to be, I’m afraid,” Plato sighed. “There are all these shops and restaurants that the residents of the city want, but they’re always closed. Not to mention, there is no form of currency here in Hell, so everything either has to be free or done with the barter system. As you can imagine, business owners down here don’t really care for either, so they mostly just leave their stores closed and only open them for people who have an appointment.”

“That fucking blows,” I whistled. “At least you can still grab a Cinnabon at the dying malls up on Earth.”

We walked all the way to the north end of the mall until we hit a small section that had an “arcade” marquee hanging on for dear life from a rope that looked like it was about to snap. There were stains all over the “galaxy” themed carpet, and the whole place smelled like somebody’s bad gas. The only saving grace was the fact that the arcade was vibrant with bright colors and the sound of old-school gaming sounds.

“And I thought Chuck E. Cheese was bad,” Todd joked. “Oof. I’d take little kid vomit over this shit any day.”

“So, I’ll bite,” Cupi said as she looked around at the borderline depressing area. “What makes you think the portal to the Second Circle is in here?”

“Two reasons,” Plato explained. “First, this is one of the biggest power sources in the city, all controlled by Asmodeus’ electric Hellfire of love. The power levels in this building are so far off the chart it would make for the perfect disguise to hide an interdimensional portal. The second reason is Lucifer likes to be clever with his puzzles. Charon’s coin is needed to travel through the dimensions--”

“And what better place to use a dimension-hopping coin than an arcade!” I clapped my hands together as it dawned on me. “Now the only question is which machine do we use it on?”

“Bro, the answer is obvious,” Todd spoke up. “It’s gotta be something gory like House of the Dead or Splatterhouse.”

“That would be too obvious,” Sia argued. “Lucifer is old school. He’d probably put it in something like Wizards and Warriors or Ghosts ‘n Goblins.”

“It’s going to be the one we least expect,” Plato threw in his two cents. “Why don’t we try Donkey Kong?”

As my four friends bickered, my eyes were drawn to a flashing white strobe light in the back of the room. The light flickered, beckoning me to approach like a lighthouse in the darkness. Or a bug lamp, if it was a trap. It all depended on the source of the light. I walked back to find a small, blue-and-purple arcade machine with vector graphics flashing across the screen.

“Holy shit … ” I muttered. “Guys! Get over here! I think I found the one we’re looking for.”

The top of the arcade read Polybius.

“What is it, Jakey?” Todd asked as the group approached. “Did you--oh shit, I thought that thing was an urban legend?”

“What’s so special about this one?” Cupi asked curiously. “It looks like any other arcade machine to me.”

“Polybius was an arcade game back in the day that allegedly was created by the U.S. government,” I explained as I fumbled in my pocket for Charon’s coin. “Supposedly the people who played it experienced all sorts of deteriorated mental states and psychosis, and the machines were snatched up by paranormal investigators when all was said and done. Of course, it’s all just a myth, and the game itself never actually existed.”

“That’s what they want you to believe, bro,” Todd said with a nod. “It’s totally a cover-up.”

“Which is why I think this is the one,” I reiterated. “If Lucifer really wanted to be clever and cheeky, what better machine to put a portal to the Second Circle in than a conspiracy-laden video game that may or may not have existed on Earth?”

“I know next to nothing about video games,” Plato admitted. “As you probably already knew, they weren’t exactly from my time. I’ll trust you on this, Jacob.”

“What happens if I’m wrong?” I asked the philosopher.

Plato’s eyes narrowed. “You aren’t,” he reassured.

I took a deep breath, removed Charon’s coin from my pocket, and enchanted it with purple Hellfire. Then, I shoved the tiny trinket into the coin slot, where it fell through the machine with a mechanical “thunk.” The screen of Polybius sprang to life with a white vector space ship and the game’s logo.

“Maybe you gotta do the Contra Code, bro,” Todd suggested.

I considered the imp’s request for a moment, but then my thoughts were cut off when the entire arcade machine was engulfed in violet Hellfire. The LCD screen morphed into a swirling nebula of purple, and a small breeze swept through the arcade and chilled me to the bone.

This was the Porta in Circuli secundi. AKA the portal that would take us into the Second Circle.

Charon’s glowing coin popped out of the return chute on the machine, and I snatched it up before I stepped toward the portal.

Sia’s slender hand touched my shoulder delicately. “This is it, Jacob,” she explained. “The Second Circle is much more treacherous than the First.”

I grabbed the madame’s hand and held it firmly in my grasp. “We’ll get through it as a team,” I explained. “There’s nothing in this universe that can bring us down.”

The redhead gave me a determined nod and turned to face the portal. She took off toward the machine, sprang into the air, and disappeared into the glowing violet Hellfire. Todd was next, followed by Cupi. As I approached the portal, I looked back at Plato.

“Aren’t you coming along?” I asked the philosopher. “This whole thing was to get you out of here.”

“No, son,” the bearded man said with a shake of his head. “It was to show me there was something else out there. That’s the whole point of The Cave, isn’t it? Human beings want to know the truth, but even when they discover it, they are fine staying right where they are, in their own reality. This is my reality, Jacob.”

“Well, that is one interpretation … ” I protested, but I was quickly cut off with a wave of the philosopher’s hand.

“One interpretation?” he guffawed. “I wrote the damn thing! Now go, Jacob. You’ve done far more for me than I ever could have hoped for.”

“Thanks, Plato,” I acknowledged. “I’ll be sure to tell everyone that you’re ten times cooler than what you read in History class.”

I turned around, started to run toward the portal, and then propelled myself headfirst into the interdimensional doorway. My body was weightless, and my brain felt like it was vibrating in my skull. There was blackness for a moment or two, and then I felt myself smash violently into a rocky surface. I pulled myself to my feet and saw the area around us was barren and rocky, like the surface of a mountain, and I could hear the high winds howling through the sky.

Cupi, Sia, and Todd were already on their feet, surveying their surroundings.

“Welcome to the Second Circle,” Sia sighed. “The Circle of Lust.”

Chapter 15

“Wait a minute,” Todd said as he looked around curiously. “This is supposed to be the circle of lust? I figured it’d be packed to the brim with strip clubs,hookers, adult toy stores, and all that shit.”

“It can be,” Sia said coyly. “If that is what you so desire.”

“Ah, so we’re doing the Mirror of Erised thing here,” the imp observed. “Cool beans. Just don’t let the author of that book know Lucifer stole the idea from her.”

“Or maybe she stole it from him?” I suggested jokingly, and the imp made a “mind blown” gesture with his hands. “This makes no sense, though. It’s basically a barren landscape.”

“There’s a lot of that in Hell, Jacob,” Cupi giggled playfully. “You get used to it. And it’s not completely barren. See those people over there?”

Off in the distance there was a small cluster of people formed into a loose clump, all of them darting in different directions with their hands extended out in front of them. I couldn’t see their faces from this far away, but I could tell by their body language they were chasing something rather than running.

“What are they running after?” I asked curiously. “There’s nothing there but jagged rocks and--”

Before anyone could answer my question, one of the runners fell down and smashed hard into the stony ground in front of him. His scream of pain echoed through the air, drowning out even the roaring wind that was constantly ringing in our ears. I saw a glimpse of white jutting out from his leg, and I cringed when I realized it was probably his femur. Despite the horrific pain he must have been feeling, the man wobbled back to his feet and started to lumber off toward his invisible target once more.

“They’re chasing the things they wanted most in their Earthly lives,” Sia explained. “The catch is they will never actually be fast enough to grab them. In fact, they will spend all of eternity trying and injure themselves gruesomely in the process.”

“Fuck,” I muttered in shock. “It really did go from one to one-hundred between the First and Second Circles.”

“Thankfully, we know all about this trick,” Cupi said somewhat cockily. “We won’t fall for such treachery.”

“Whhhhooooaaaa,” Todd said out of the blue. “Is that … is that … it is! A first-edition copy of Bob Marley and the Wailers’ The Birth of a Legend! I’ve been looking for that my whole life, bro.”

“Todd,” I tried to talk the imp down, “it’s just a trick. It wants you to follow it so you can hurt yourself.”

“But what if it’s not?” Todd asked hopefully. “If this is a real copy of that album, I’m probably not gonna get another shot at this as long as I live.”

“If you go after it, you won’t live,” I warned my friend.

“Todd, it’s not real,” Sia jumped in. “It’s all part of the cruel game the Second Circle plays on its victims.”

Todd clenched his fists, slammed his lips shut, and let out a large huff of air as he tried to resist. He stood there for a moment, heaving in anticipation, and then he finally sighed loudly.

“Fuck it,” he mused. “If this is how the Toddster goes, this is how he goes!”

The imp laughed maniacally as he dashed after the invisible album.

“Todd, wait--” I started to run after him, but Sia held out her arm and cut me off.

“It’s too dangerous,” she explained. “If he hurts himself, I can always use my healing powers to fix him up.”

“Uh, Sia?” Cupi asked worriedly. “Are you sure you’re talking to the real Jacob?”

The redhead turned back to her sister and gave her a curious glance. “Whatever do you mean, Cupiditas?” she questioned. “Jacob is right here.”

“But if that’s Jacob, then who is that guy over there?” the blonde succubus asked as she pointed to a blank space beside where I was standing. “And why is he rubbing the other Jacob’s shoulder seductively?”

“Jesus,” I grumbled and put my head in my hand. “Her biggest desire in life is to have two of me at the same time.”

Cupi blushed a tad and shrugged. “It’s a reasonable goal, wouldn’t you say, Superbia?” she giggled.

Sia’s violet eyes darted over behind me, and she went rigid as her irises grew larger than life. “Well helloooooo,” she cooed.

“Oh no,” I groaned. “What do you see, Sia?”

“I see you, Jacob.” The redhead bit her lip. “Only you’re wearing a two-piece navy suit and a crimson-red tie, and you have a pair of wide-framed glasses over your eyes. And a briefcase! You have a giant briefcase that looks like it’s filled with all sorts of important documents.”

“I see,” I sighed. “Prim and proper, business-professional Jacob. Is that really what you want from me?”

“I--of course not,” Sia lied obviously. “I love you just the way you are. Untucked shirt, jeans, and all.”

“Now see?” I laughed and pointed at the succubus. “The way you say that makes it sound like it’s a bad thing.”

“No, no,” the madame played it coy. “It’s only a fantasy, that’s all. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Cupi strutted over toward the spot where my alleged doppelganger had been standing, and then she frowned when a gust of wind blew by and tussled her blonde hair. My heart dropped into my stomach when I realized what was happening next, and the blonde succubus began to run.

“Cupi, it’s an illusion!” I exclaimed, but it was no use.

Cupiditas was headed directly toward the edge of a massive cliff, and I had to act fast if I wanted to keep her alive. I reached down, pressed the image of the black angel wings on my skin, and recalled the succubus back to Earth. White ectoplasmic substance sprang forth from my arm, shot across the landscape like a lightning bolt, and engulfed the running woman. She was lifted into the air and disappeared in a flash of brilliant white light.

“Whew,” I sighed. “That was close. Which of your sisters do you think can actually handle this place?”

“Definitely not Tris,” Sia retorted instantly. “Nor could Gula. They are quite literally the Sisters of Sloth and Gluttony, and they have enough problems resisting temptations up on Earth Realm.”

“Liby?” I suggested.

“No!” Sia snapped uncharacteristically. “Libidine is one of our strongest members, but she is far too trusting and gullible. She would fall for this illusion the second she set foot on the ground.”

“Then that just leaves Ira.” I nodded. “Think she can handle it?”

“I do not know,” the madame admitted, “but she is a politician, and she has self-healing powers. She might be the most helpful in this scenario.”

“Ira it is,” I confirmed and pressed my finger against the tattoo of the bone-whip.

There was another flash of light as the Sister of Wrath’s form materialized and floated down onto the rocky ground. Ira shook her head like a wet dog and let out a strange noise with her cheeks as she reoriented herself.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that sensation,” she admitted. “Even though it feels marvelouuuuss!” The dark-haired succubus looked around, and a devilish grin slowly slid up her face. “Is this the Second Circle? I’ve always wanted to come to this place, but Azazel would never allow it. It’s all desolate and full of pain and sorrow. I love it! Ohhh, and that horrific, biting wind! I could probably cut through diamonds right now with my--”

“Focus, Ira,” Sia interrupted. “We are on a mission right now. Focus on your sadistic desires later.”

The Sister of Wrath crossed her arms over her chest and pouted like a scorned toddler. “Fine,” she conceded. “What’s so important, if I must ask?”

“We need to get through to the Third Circle without falling for the tricks of the Second,” I explained. “Todd’s already been deceived, but we figured you’d be the most helpful here and now.”

Ira clapped her hands together joyously. “Now that’s what I like to hear!” she exclaimed. “Now, I’m gonna go grab Todd and completely ignore that version of you that’s standing right behind you. Gimp costumes? That is sooooo last century.”

The succubus summoned her massive wings from her back, waved a playful goodbye, and was then carried into the air by the massive gusts of wind. She twirled her body around, righted herself, and then flew off in the direction of Todd.

“Gimp suit?” I gulped. “I really, really don’t want to know what she saw.”

“And let’s keep it that way,” Sia said with a chuckle. “Looking into the mind of Sister Ira is the last thing anyone should do. There are things she’s mentioned that even I’m too afraid to question. For example, are you familiar with the term ‘figging?’ She tried to describe it to me a few thousand years ago, and ever since then I’ve made it a point to just smile and nod and not question her any further. I can only imagine what kind of crazy fetishes have evolved as the years went on…”

“Well, apparently she wants to see me in a gimp suit,” I chuckled. “It’s too bad I fucking hate wearing leather. Besides, I--”

I stopped talking when, off in the distance, I saw her. Just a few hundred feet away was a beautiful, tall woman with deep purple hair and pitch-black eyeliner around her eyes. Her pouting lips were an equal shade of darkness, and her torso was covered by a lacy black corset that smooshed her massive breasts into an even more massive line of cleavage. Other than the corset, there was little more to her outfit than thigh-high leather boots with sharp heels and a silver choker around her neck. What made her stand out the most, however, were her wings. The woman had two elegant, butterfly-like wings attached to her back whose orange radiance was a sharp contrast from the rest of her jet-black appearance.

This had to be Invidia.

The Sister of Envy stuck out her hand and beckoned for me to follow. Invidia floated into the air on her wings, turned around, and began to flutter away. A surge of pure adrenaline shot through my body, and I took off after the succubus.

“Jacob!” Sia exclaimed. “What are you seeing?”

“It’s Invidia!” I said happily as I dashed across the rocky landscape. “This makes things a million times easier.”

“Stop, Jacob!” Sia demanded. “It’s another one of the Second Circle’s illusions! She’s leading you right for a cliff!”

Deep down, I knew what I was seeing wasn’t the real Invidia. I knew it was an illusion, something I’d never actually catch no matter how fast I ran or what magic I tried to use. I knew Invidia was still trapped in a cage, somewhere in the Fourth Circle.

But even though I knew all of this was fake, I couldn’t force myself to stop. My legs kept pumping, carrying me toward the illusion of the Sister of Envy. More importantly, it was leading me directly toward a deadly ledge, and I was going to be in a world of pain if I didn’t stop myself soon.

My heart thumped in my chest as the edge of the cliff approached and Invidia floated out over the deep chasm below. If I couldn’t stop my legs, then I was just going to have to improvise. I closed my eyes and thought about what this whole mission was about. I was here to save Invidia, reunite the Circle of Sin, and finish off Azazel once and for all. Thanks to us, the Army of the Demonic would be down one of its best generals, and the universe would be a much safer place.

As I weighed the stakes of our mission, my hands began to glow with an awesome violet color. I threw them both out in front of my body and created a makeshift bridge out of the defensive Hellfire spell. My feet clapped against the enchanted platform as I went off the ledge. There were still no signs of my legs stopping any time soon, and the image of Invidia was getting further and further away by the second. I quickly summoned up a portal of green Hellfire in front of my trajectory and dashed through the glowing emerald spell.

When I reappeared in front of Superbia, I was still running at full speed. I tried to slow my momentum, but it was no use. I crashed into the redheaded madame, and we both tumbled down onto jagged ground. There was a twinge of pain as rocks cut at my flesh, and I could feel fresh, warm blood running down my arms when I finally came to a stop and stood to my feet.

Sia was already up and running her right hand, aglow with golden Hellfire, across her wounds. The small cuts on the succubus’ body shimmered with the brilliant spell before the blood dried up, the skin closed itself together, and they disappeared completely.

“I knew it wasn’t her,” I explained. “Once I got a little bit closer, I realized it was just another one of the Second Circle’s illusions. But I couldn’t stop myself.”

“It’s alright, Jacob,” Sia sighed and walked toward me with her glowing hand. “Hell is relentless. It only takes a single second for it to deceive you and suck you into its traps. Luckily, now that you know it’s all fiction, it won’t be able to trap you again. At least, not in this Circle.”

“Thank God for that,” I grimaced as I looked down at the gnarly gashes on my arm.

Sia’s slender fingers touched my body, and her warm glow instantly spread from her palm to the wounds on my arm. The throbbing pain of each of the cuts slowly transitioned into a feeling of numbness, almost as if they were on pins and needles. Then, each of my cuts stopped bleeding and sewed themselves up on their own.

The succubus’ big, violet eyes stared seductively into my own as she pulled her hand away. “There,” she purred. “Good as new.”

I wrapped my arm around the back of Sia’s waist and pulled her in close to me. “I knew there was a reason I kept you around,” I joked.

“What?” she protested. “It’s not just for the crazy good sex?”

“You really are the succubus of Pride, aren’t you?” I laughed.

“Guys,” Todd’s voice suddenly interrupted from above, “if you don’t knock that shit off, there’s a forecast of scattered spew storms here in the Second Circle. I’m no weatherman, but my gag reflex has never been wrong before.”

“I bet it hasn’t,” Ira giggled. “I know that I can always trust mine.”

I looked up and saw the Sister of Wrath floating down toward us with the small imp clasped in her hands. She landed on the ground, released the imp from her grasp, and folded her arms over her chest.

Todd began to brush himself off, and then his eyes went wide. “Oh shit!” he gasped in realization. “No homo! No homo!”

“It was just a phrasing thing,” I reassured the imp. “We all knew what you meant.”

Todd ran his hands across his face in horror and fell to his knees. “You don’t understand, bro,” he protested. “There’s only a five second buffer before ‘no homo’ doesn’t work anymore, and I totally missed it!”

“Oh no,” I uttered sarcastically. “I guess that means you like men now. Whatever will you do about this?”

“I could teach you some good pegging techniques,” Ira suggested. “I’ve gotten really good at that through the centuries. I’m just glad we have those high-tech, silicon mold dildos now. Back in the day, we had to use ones made out of marble or gourds or even wood, if you were desperate enough.”

Todd shuddered and hung his head. “I guess this means it’s a life full of flamboyant fashion and anal splinters for the Toddster,” he sighed.

“That fate sounds like it’d be too pleasant for ya goddang scoundrels,” a voice filled with a thick southern drawl sneered from behind.

The four of us whipped around and summoned our Hellfire into our hands. Behind us stood three demons, all ones we had killed back on Earth.

I recognized the first one as Robert Quinn, the eccentric cowboy billionaire whose mansion we were currently living in. He wore the same type of outfit that he had when he pretended to be a human, with a pure white suit, a black bolo tie, and a white cowboy hat that was nearly double the size of his head.

Beside him stood a massive man who was built like a tank. His girth was nearly twice the size of his height, but he was anything but obese. He seemed like the sort of person you’d call “fat fit,” almost like a sumo wrestler. The demon held a massive battle axe made of pure ice over his shoulder, and I recognized him almost instantly as Shax.

Last, but certainly not least, was Furcas, the great knight of Hell. He was tall and lean like an NBA player, with jet-black wings and horns that made his demonic appearance even more menacing. His lower body was covered by silver, reptilian scales, and there was a bushy white beard on his face that ran all the way down to his waist. The demon knight twirled a glowing red pitchfork in his hand as he prepared for battle.

“Long time, no see,” Quinn growled. “Ya’ll still squattin’ in my mansion? I heard y’all made some renovations. I can’t wait to see them when we kill you and take it back.”

Chapter 16

“You’re staying right where you are, Flauros,” I shot back at the cowboy demon. “In fact, you’re about to go wherever the fuck demons go when they get fucked up a second time!”

Red Hellfire erupted into Quinn’s hand as he took on a fighting stance. “I’ve been waitin’ for this rematch for far too long,” he said through an evil grin. “It’s time to put you back in your place, city boy.”

“I’m from Missouri!” I growled as I tossed a wave of yellow throwing stars at the demon.

A massive wall of flames shot up in front of Quinn and dispelled the projectiles. Then, in the next instant, the wall of fire rocketed toward our position like a flaming tornado.

I called up a purple barrier around my friends and I, and Quinn’s attack stretched around the walls and engulfed us in its intense heat. “Quick strategy session,” I announced to my friends. “Who do you think you can handle?”

“I can handle anybody,” Ira scoffed, “but Furcas is still probably all bitter that I betrayed him. I’d love to crush his bones into the ground and grind his balls into dust with my heel.”

“Okay … Ira’s got Furcas,” I said, somewhat disturbed. “What about--”

“I’m going after Quinn, bro,” Todd announced. “I’ve been wanting a new cowboy hat ever since I lost his old one in Santa Cruz.”

“So that just leaves Shax.” I nodded. “He’s a pretty heavy-hitter, Sia. Do you think you’re up to the challenge?”

“Please,” the madame said with a wave of her hand. “If you’re by my side, I can handle anything.”

“Good to hear,” I chuckled. “Now, the second he lets go of his spell, we break and go for our targets. Got it?”

All three of my friends nodded in agreement, and then we prepared for the assault. Flauros held his spell for another minute or two before the red-hot flames evaporated. I released my barrier, and the team sprang into action.

Sia and I dashed directly toward the bulky demon, Shax, repelling blasts of red Hellfire as we ran. At the same time, Todd scurried in the direction of Robert Quinn, and Ira went for Furcas.

“Giddiup, cowboy!” I heard the imp cackle from behind as he lunged at the demon.

The sounds of Hellfire spells rang out around us, and I knew my friends were now engaged with their targets. Meanwhile, Shax was prepared for us.

The massive demon raised his icy axe above his head, enchanted it with a cast of silver Hellfire, and then slammed it into the ground. Silver fire poured into the rocky terrain and rocketed toward our position. Sia and I split up right as the ground morphed into a large, jagged rock and thrust itself forward.

“I thought he had ice powers?” I asked the redheaded succubus.

“Elemental, Jacob,” she corrected. “He can control any sort of terrain!”

I lurched to the side just as another rocky spike sprang forth from the ground. As I dodged, I tossed a small fireball of red at the demon, even though I knew it wasn’t going to do any damage.

We at least had to keep this guy distracted until we could figure out how to take him down once and for all.

It sucked that I couldn’t use my God Cannon down here. That was how we beat this asshole before, but using it down here would draw all sorts of unwanted attention to us. The last thing we needed was the entire Army of the Damned on our asses.

The fireball smashed into Shax’s body and ricocheted off harmlessly. However, it was enough of a diversion for us to get closer to the fucker. Shax took a swing at me with his giant axe, but I was too quick.

And, unfortunately for this guy, I already had a plan.

Seconds before Shax’s weapon struck the ground, I tossed out a cast of bronze Hellfire onto the terrain in front of him. The rocks vibrated as I rapidly moved the atoms that made up the very fiber of their being, and the axe passed through them effortlessly. Then, just as quickly as I had cast my spell, I cut it off. The atoms of the ground turned back into their impenetrable solid state, and Shax’s weapon was now lodged firmly in its grasp.

The demon struggled to pull his axe free, but even with his herculean strength, it was no use. That left him right where we wanted him.

In one swift motion, I unsheathed my goat-headed dagger from my belt, cast a spell of bronze into Shax’s side, and thrust it into his “unbreakable” skin. The massive demon let out a wail of pain as blackish-red blood spilled from his side, and the next thing I knew his giant fist was rocketing toward me in a backhanded motion. I threw up a quick barrier of purple, but the impact from the blow sent me flying backwards across the landscape. Another cast of violet Hellfire behind me halted my momentum, and I smashed into the makeshift wall like a ton of bricks.

The shockwave seemed to reverberate throughout my entire body, and I felt a shooting pain in my back. This asshole packed quite the punch. I momentarily thought about what the blow would have done to me if I hadn’t gotten my barrier up in time, but then I got my head back into the action.

Sia had closed the gap on Shax and was now blasting him with a combination of red and black Hellfire. The succubus’ black nullifying fear magic would counter Shax’s own spells, and then she would follow up with a quick blast of searing-hot Hellfire of her own. Sia’s attacks weren’t doing any damage, but I could see Shax was getting pissed.

“Give that back, ya varmint!” Robert Quinn shrieked from elsewhere on the battlefield.

“Not on your life, bro!” Todd’s voice cackled. “This hat’s gonna make all the ladies line up to get a piece of the Toddster.”

As I ran back toward Shax and Sia, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the exchange. Even in the heat of battle, when the stakes were at their highest, Todd was back there being Todd.

Even though Shax was a total beast of a demon, the wound I’d given him on his side had slowed him down. He was futilely trying to hit Sia with his elemental magic, and when that didn’t work, he swung at her with his grubby mitts. This was one of the few times that the succubus’ tiny frame came in handy, because he wasn’t even coming close to making contact.

Shax’s eyes grew wide when he saw me approaching, and he blasted a spell of silver in my direction. The Hellfire struck the ground and summoned forth a handful of spiky rocks, but I was ready for the bastard’s attack. I threw down a series of purple platforms in ascending order and dashed up them safely as the spikes shot up from the ground. I continued to create my makeshift bridge as I approached Shax. The demon tried again with his elemental spell, this time by picking up a large chunk of the landscape and hurling it at my body.

Just like I was hoping he’d do.

“Sia!” I ordered. “Get down!”

The redhead ducked for cover as I cast a large portal of green Hellfire in front of the incoming projectile. The massive rock passed through the interdimensional gateway, traveled through time and space, and then reappeared behind Shax. There was a sickly crunch as it collided with the demon’s bulky frame, and he was thrown forward onto his stomach. Shax laid on the ground motionless for a moment before he began to stir.

“Sia?” I called out. “He’s weak! Cast--”

“Already on it!” the madame confirmed as she shot a blast of black Hellfire from her fingertips.

The pitch-black spell consumed Shax’s body as he came to. He tried to reach out and attack with his elemental magic, but nothing but silvery sparks came from his sausage-like fingers.

He was trapped, and I was about to put him out of his misery.

I was now just a few feet from the fucker’s body. I took a deep breath as I leapt into the air, summoned bronze Hellfire in my left hand and yellow in my right, and took aim at the fallen demon. I made sure the bronze spell landed first, directly on the back of Shax’s head. He screamed in agony as the atoms in his skull vibrated and separated, but his cries were quickly cut off when a handful of yellow shuriken passed through his brain like a hot knife through butter. I landed on the ground next to the demon just as his body went limp and a large pool of his blood began to grow around his cranium.

“Excellent job, Jacob,” Sia mused.

“You didn’t do so bad yourself,” I flirted back, “but we should probably see how Todd and Ira are holding up.”

We turned back to check on our friends and instantly saw they were struggling. Ira was split into her two halves, the Sub and the Dom, and was engaged in close-quarters combat with Furcas. The sub had a fiery whip she was using to lash out at the knight’s flesh, and her Dom’s enchanted morning star was clashing with Furcas’ spear. The demon was moving with lightning-fast speed, dispelling the Dom’s blows and then dodging the sub’s whip without so much as breaking a sweat.

Meanwhile, Todd and Robert Quinn looked more like they were in a Looney Tunes cartoon and not a fight to the death. Todd was wearing the cowboy’s massive white hat, and he was running around cackling devilishly as Quinn chased after him, hurling fireballs at the imp.

“I think Ira needs our help at the moment,” Sia observed. “Todd looks like he has things under control.”

As we ran over to Furcas and Ira, I saw the pointed end of the demon’s spear stab through the Sub’s right shoulder. However, instead of crying out in pain, the succubus let out an orgasmic moan.

“Fucking do that again, you sadistic fuck!” she groaned.

Furcas obliged and rammed his spear directly into the sub’s stomach. She stumbled back, summoned golden Hellfire around her body, and healed instantly.

“A spear through the gut?” she mused. “You really are brutal. How have we never met before?”

“We have!” the demon growled as he parried the Dom’s morning star. “You stabbed me through the gut, remember?”

In one swift motion Furcas got his spear against the hilt of the morning star, flipped it out of the Dom’s hand, and used the blunt end to smack the sub in the face. He twirled around and lashed out at the Dom with the pointy end, but I was quick on the draw. Instead of piercing Ira’s heart, the enchanted spear bounced off my violet barrier.

Ira’s Dom half used the opportunity to toss a handful of acidic Hellfire into the demon’s face.

At point-blank range, there wasn’t anything Furcas could do but gasp as the deadly spell struck him between the eyes. The knight screamed as his flesh was melted away from his skull, and he stumbled backward. He retained his grip on his spear, and he began to lash out wildly with his weapon.

“Such a naughty boy,” the Dom said with a click of her tongue.

Ira’s Dom half charged at Furcas, sprouted her wings, and then propelled herself into his body. She picked the demon up into the air and flew up a few dozen feet, beating her fists into his wounded face during the entire ascension. Furcas’ spear dropped to the ground as he was beaten to a bloody pulp, and Ira looked down at us from above.

“He’s all yours,” she declared with a grin. “Punish him for me, will you?”

The Dom released Furcas’ body, and he plummeted back down to the ground.

“You heard the girl,” I announced to the sub and Sia. “Light him up!”

All three of us unleashed a hailstorm of red fireballs at Furcas, and his figure lit up as if he were made of dry kindling. He didn’t even scream as his body was burnt to a crisp and his flesh was singed from his bones. When we finally released our spell, there was nothing left of Furcas but a blackened skeleton.

Furcas was dead. That just left Robert Quinn, better known as the demon Flauros.

The four of us turned around to scope out how Todd was handling the demon. Nothing had changed. Quinn’s face was now as red as a tomato as he blasted at the fleeing imp, but neither of them looked like they had been engaged in battle.

That was gonna change really fucking quick.

I pulled back my hand, summoned yellow Hellfire into it, and then launched a cluster of glowing shuriken in the direction of Robert Quinn. The attack struck the cowboy in the back of his left leg, and there was a spray of dark crimson as his tendons were severed by the blades. He let out a yelp of pain and began to limp along as blood oozed out and stained his pristine white pants.

Quinn instantly twisted his body around and unleashed a massive red fireball in our direction. The projectile sizzled as it traveled through the air, but Sia was able to dispel it with a quick shot of her black Hellfire. The dark flames struck Quinn’s attack, and the roaring red flames were snuffed out instantly.

“Ya got a lotta fucking gall, Ralston,” the cowboy demon hissed. “You come into my home, kill me, and then take all my money and property like it’s your own? What kinda man of honor does that?”

“One who wants to wipe demon filth like yourself off the face of the Earth,” I growled as I came within striking distance of the demon.

I lashed out with my goat-headed dagger and stabbed Flauros in the upper part of his chest. He tried to counter with another blast of Hellfire, but I blocked it instinctively with a cast of violet flames. Instead of burning me alive, the inferno blasted back into the fucker’s crotch.

Quinn yelped in agony as his family jewels were toasted, and I whacked him in the side of the head with my fist. He tumbled to the ground, bloodied and bruised, and looked up at me with pure hatred in his eyes.

“How the fuck did you find us?” I demanded. “Did Azazel put a tracker on these succubi, too?”

“I’d tell ya to go ta Hell, but yer already here,” Quinn chuckled as he spat out a mouthful of blood.

I drove the dagger into the other side of Flauros’ chest and caused him to scream in agony once more.

“You’d better start talking, Quinn,” I tried again. “We can make this very painful if you don’t. How did you find us, and where is the gateway to the Third Circle?”

“The--the Third Circle?” Quinn chuckled. “And here I thought you were just down here playin’ around. Y’all actually want to go into the Third Circle. You know what’s in there, right?”

“Vermis the Devil Worm,” I confirmed, “and I really don’t give a fuck. Nothing is gonna stand in the way of me reuniting the Circle of Sin, not even Azazel himself.”

“He was hopin’ you were gonna say that,” the cowboy giggled. “I’m almost disappointed we tried ta stop y’all. It would have been a total hoot to watch you guys get yer ass kicked by Azazel and then fed to Vermis.”

I twisted the hilt of the blade and caused Quinn to wince. “Where’s the portal?” I asked firmly. “And how did you find us?”

“Relax, partner,” he said through an evil smile. “There ain’t no trick to getting in and out of the Second Circle. The illusion spell usually works on the small-minded, so there’s no need ta hide the exit. But you should already know that, shouldn’t ya, Superbia? Aren’t ya supposed to be the expert on all things Hell?”

“I knew it was easy to find,” Sia confirmed, “but I didn’t realize it was just sitting in plain sight.”

“What are we gonna do with him now?” Ira’s Dom asked eagerly. “Can we torture him for a bit? String him up by his legs and put pins and needles into his genitals? Gag him and pour hot wax all over his wounds?”

“Jesus,” Todd muttered aloud. “And I thought I had issues … ”

“I’ll make it easy on ya,” Quinn sighed.

Without warning, the cowboy jerked his head around awkwardly, and there was a wet pop in his neck. His body went limp, dead.

Or so we thought.

“Oh fuck me,” Quinn said in horror.

Todd stifled a laugh. “Did he--did he just try to kill himself?” he snickered. “But he didn’t do it right, so now he’s paralyzed?”

“It looks like it,” Ira’s Dom mused. “It’s a shame, really. I wanted him to feel everything I was going to do to him.”

Sia held up her hand and summoned golden Hellfire. “Should I heal him?” she asked curiously.

“Yes!” the limp body of Robert Quinn demanded. “Heal me or finish me off. Just do it quickly!”

“No way,” I said as I held out my hand to get Sia to stop. “This guy has caused way too much trouble in our lives. He doesn’t deserve that kind of mercy.”

I stood up and turned to walk away.

“Wait!” Quinn’s terrified voice called out. “Azazel knows yer here now, so he has his goons posted all around the first Four Circles. We came from the west, and we only found ya because you used that spirit-melding spell that can be seen for a mile or two away.”

The demon was trying to plead for some form of mercy, but I completely ignored his requests. This asshole deserved much, much worse than this. The rest of my friends turned and began to follow.

“Thanks for the hat, Robbie,” Todd mused. “I’ll make sure to record and post all the videos of the girls I’m gonna get with this thing.”

“You can’t leave me here!” the paralyzed demon protested as we walked away. “This--this is inhumane.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” I growled. “Especially from you, Flauros. I hope you rot here for all eternity.”

“You--what--” Quinn muttered. “I told ya what ya wanted to know!”

I continued to ignore the demon’s words, and his voice grew further and further away as we headed west. The last thing I heard from the cowboy was his voice calling me a “Kansas City ass-lickin’ motherfucker,” and then we were out of his range.

The five of us continued onward, as far west as we could possibly go. Eventually, we came to a massive cliff edge that overlooked an even larger lake of Emerald Hellfire. The intensity of the flames cut through the darkness like the torch of a lighthouse, and we were drawn to it as if were were moths and it were a candle light.

“I guess Quinn was telling the truth,” I whistled as I took it all in. “It almost makes me feel bad for leaving him to eternal damnation. Almost.”

“Ah, he’ll be fine, bro,” Todd joked. “It’s only for eternity. How long could that possibly be? Besides, his sacrifice was not in vain. At least I got this sweet hat.”

The imp flicked the front of the hat’s brim, and it jumped up off his head just enough for the high winds to catch it. The hat was yanked off Todd’s head by the breeze and launched out over the lake. It fluttered like a leaf for a moment, and then it floated down and disappeared into the jade flames.

“Welp, I guess we have no choice now,” Todd sighed. “Fuck it--cannonball!”

The imp took a running start, jumped off the cliff, and tucked his body into a ball. His laugh echoed throughout the chasm as he fell, and then he disappeared into the same portal that had stolen his newly beloved hat.

I looked over at the succubi and gave them a grim nod. “Are we ready?” I asked rhetorically. “Vermis is probably already waiting on us.”

Ira’s Dom strutted up to my side and looked down at the lake, completely unamused. “Then we had best not keep him waiting now, should we?” she cooed. “Come, sub.”

The sub half of Ira perked up, ran over to her other half, and then wrapped her hand around the Dom’s wrist. The two of them looked at each other, took a deep breath, and then stepped off into the abyss.

“I guess it’s our turn, then,” Sia observed as she approached the cliff’s edge. “Onward, to the Third Circle, and onward, toward Vermis.”

“Toward Vermis,” I reiterated with a sigh.

I walked up to Sia, took her soft, delicate hand in my own, and looked her deep in the eyes.

Then we both faced forward and stepped off the edge.

Chapter 17

The world went black the second I passed through the glowing green portal of Hellfire. My body felt weightless as it traveled through space and time, interdimensionally moving from the Second Circle to the Third. The next thing I knew, a frigid, bitter wind was blowing against my face.

My eyes sprang open as I plummeted toward the ground, and I briefly saw a flash of white and brown before I slammed into a slushy, cold substance. Every hair follicle in my body stood on end as I shivered and tried to pull myself to my feet. I couldn’t get any sort of footing on the ground underneath me, so I fell forward into the slushy terrain once more.

“What the f-f-fuck, bro?” Todd asked aloud through his chattering teeth. “This is supposed to be Hell. Why is it colder than a yeti’s ballsack right now?”

I was finally able to pull myself up onto my hands and knees and then slowly get myself into an upright position. Sia and Ira’s Dom half were huddled together, their teeth chattering as they tried to cling to any sort of body warmth they could get from one another.

Meanwhile, the sub half was running through the slush, giggling like a madwoman. “This is so much funnnn!” she exclaimed as she fell down and began to roll back and forth in the icy sleet. “I’m gonna get frostbite in no time. Once I’m numb, the limits of what I can do to my body are endless!”

“H-Have I ever mentioned how f-fucked up I think she is?” Todd tried to joke, but it came out in a chatter of teeth.

I surveyed the landscape of the Third Circle and sighed. It was a slushy mess, to say the least. All around us were piles upon piles of the mushy, melted ice mixed together with the ground to create a sort of dirty brown goop. The sky was also filled with a never-ending drizzle of sleet and a frigid wind that could probably cut through even the thickest of shelters.

All around the landscape, there were bodies of people who were rolling about like a turtle that had been turned over on its shell. Nothing seemed to be physically wrong with the Shades, but they weren’t able to do anything more than slowly fail and moan as they sloshed around in the muddy slush.

The moans, to be blunt, were nothing short of haunting.

There were bodies scattered as far as the eye could see, and they were all wailing in agony. The air was filled with the Shades’ moaning, and the chilling sound only added to the discomfort I was already feeling in this place.

My shivering body quickly reminded me that, if we didn’t take action soon, we were going to freeze to death. I quickly surrounded my hand with red Hellfire and held it close to my skin.

There was nothing. Even though our Hellfire of passion burnt at thousands of degrees, I couldn’t feel a thing.

“What gives?” I asked aloud to all of my friends. “My Hellfire’s not working. When we were up in Canada fighting Shax, we didn’t even need any magic. Cupi said our bodies regulated themselves thanks to our internal Hellfire.”

“W-w-welcome to Hell,” Sia said with a sigh. “It’s another one of Lucifer’s cruel j-jokes. Demons and magic users who reside here can’t use their Hellfire to keep warm.”

“Fuck,” I growled and wrapped my arms tightly around my body.

None of us had been prepared for it to be this frigid. We were all still wearing the casual fall wear we’d been wearing in D.C., where it was a brisk sixty-two degrees. Here? I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was in the double-digit negatives.

“Why aren’t they frozen to death?” I asked and pointed to one of the moaning Shades.

Sia huddled in closer to Ira’s Dom. “They’re Shades, Jacob,” she explained. “All of t-them are already dead. They can feel the fr-frigid temperatures, but it’s not going to do much more than make them eternally uncomfortable.”

“Us, on the other hand?” the Dom took over. “We’re not d-dead. And unless we want to be, we need to do something quickly.”

The next thing I knew, I felt Todd’s tiny figure clasp onto my left leg like a koala. “Fucking heat, brooooo,” he sighed with relief. “I never realized your leg was so warm, Jakey. It must come from years of not skipping leg day. No h-h-homo.”

“We need to find something,” I said as I scouted the terrain for anything that could be helpful. “A legit firepit or some extra layers of clothing or something.”

“What we n-n-need is a fucking Tauntaun, bro,” Todd chattered from below.

“Wait, Todd, you’re a g-genius!” I exclaimed as his words washed over me.

“I already knew that,” he retorted proudly. “But, uh--could you explain how again? J-just so the girls over there can understand.”

“Sia, are there any Vargrats in this part of Hell?” I asked the shivering redhead.

“O-of course there are,” Superbia explained. “They’re everywhere down here.”

“Then we need to draw one out.” I nodded grimly. “Do either of you know how to do that?”

“Gula w-would,” Sia answered. “She hunts these creatures all the time.”

The petite redhead looked like she was nearly on the verge of hypothermia. Her frail body was shivering violently, and her entire face was a rosy-red color.

“I’m sending you back, Sia,” I explained as I reached up toward the glowing hand tattoo on my arm. “Go back up to the surface and warm yourself up. Gula, Ira, and I can handle it from h-here.”

I tapped on the tattoo, and the light shot out and sent Sia back to Earth Realm. Not a second later, I tapped the image of the battle axe, and Gula’s figure appeared.

“Holy fuck!” she exclaimed once she was fully formed. “It’s colder than Chef Ramsey’s heart here.”

“Sorry to bring you into the fray, Gula,” Todd explained, “but we needed somebody to go Rambo on a Vargrat for us.”

“Superbia said you’re the expert on hunting and tracking these creatures,” I implored. “How can we lure one out here to kill?”

“That’s all you n-needed me for?” the other redhead gasped. “That’s easy! I’ll be back at surface level in no time. You just need some fresh, raw meat and a way to ensure it all blows downwind.”

“Okay, so…where are we gonna get fresh meat?” I asked rhetorically. “We can’t just go around slicing up these poor Shades.”

“May I put forward a suggestion?” Ira’s sub half spoke up as she ran back over to our position.

“You m-may,” I answered cautiously. “As long as it’s not t-too far off the beaten path. You don’t look so hot.”

The sub was now completely frostbitten. Her nose was a bluish black in color, and there were similar splotches that ran all along her exposed body.

“Oh, this little thing?” she giggled as she tapped her nose, and it crunched queasily. “Let me fix that.”

The sub closed her eyes, and a flash of golden Hellfire encircled her body. She giggled as her skin turned back into its normal fleshy tone and her appendages regained their movement.

“Taadaaa!” she said in an over-the-top manner. “Good as new. Now, for my suggestion … why don’t I act as the fresh meat?”

“Come again?” Todd asked, completely dumbfounded.

“Exactly!” She grinned. “That’s what I’ll be doing when those blades hit my flesh.”

“Let me see if I’m understanding this c-correctly,” Gula muttered. “You want us to cut off chunks of your skin and use it as bait?”

The sub shrugged. “I can heal myself, can’t I?” she asked, even though she already knew the answer. “It’s probably the best shot we have.”

“This is f-fucking insane,” I chuckled at the absurdity of the whole situation, “but you’re right. It just might work.”

Todd sprang from my leg and popped his tiny claws into an attack position. “Alright,” he announced. “Sounds l-like the Toddster’s gonna have t-to cut a bitch.”

“If you don’t mind,” the sub said bashfully, “I’d much rather have my Dom half do it. She knows the exact amount of pressure to use to pierce the skin and get me off.”

Todd threw his hands up in a shrug. “I think I’m done for the day,” he joked. “I don’t think I-I’m gonna hear another sentence like that my ent-tire life.”

I unsheathed my goat-headed dagger from my belt, handed it to the Dom, and took a step back. The succubus looked over the weapon as a sly grin spread across her face, and then she tightened her grip on its hilt.

“I’m not gonna lie,” she said happily. “I’m gonna enjoy this.”

The sub presented her left arm and shivered. “So am I,” she cooed. “Lay it on me, Sister.”

I couldn’t watch. I crossed my arms and turned away, trying to focus on anything other than Ira’s imminent self-mutilation. There was a sound of the sub wincing, followed by a groan of ecstacy.

“Is that really all you’ve got?” Ira’s sub half said in a playful growl. “What are those, safety scissors? Really give it to me!”

“Oh, you want it harder?” the Dom shot back. “Fine!”

Ira’s Dom half must have obliged, because there was another yelp of pain that melted into a slow purr.

“That’s more like it,” the sub cooed. “Do you want me to heal up so we can play this game again?”

“I want you to heal up so you don’t bleed out,” the Dom responded. “We don’t need half of ourself dying on us. But maybe if you be a nice little kitten, we’ll do it again sometime.”

“You sure you wanna be turned away from this, Jakey and Gula?” Todd said with fascination. “It’s s-super cool to see all the t-tendons and shit.”

“No thanks,” I responded. “I think I’ll look at the naked people damned to eternal suffering, if you don’t mind.”

“What about you, Chefsters?” Todd asked Gula. “This isn’t any different from handling raw meat.”

“It’s completely different,” the curvy redhead sighed.

“There,” the Dom muttered. “It is done.”

I turned around just as the sub’s wounds were healing up. Her arm was encased with golden Hellfire, and there was a gnarly gash all the way up the length of her forearm whose edges were closing just as I glanced over it. The Dom was standing there with a large, arm-length chunk of bloody skin and muscle.

The sight nearly made me sick.

“That should work,” Gula said through a small gag. “Vargrats have a very keen sense of smell. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were on their w-way already. But we should speed up the process b-before we all f-freeze to death.”

The Dom gave a salute to the redhead and called forth her massive bat-wings. “Aye-aye, Gula!” she exclaimed happily and jumped into the air.

The succubus flew off across the landscape in search of our only chance of survival. Meanwhile, the sub, Gula, Todd, and I all formed a tight cluster of bodies as we huddled together to try and conserve what little body heat we had left.

“Ya know what, bro?” Todd said through chattering teeth. “My head might be huddled up right next to your frank n’ gibblets, but I’m not even gonna bother saying ‘no homo.’ This is a matter of survival, and all bets are off the table when it comes to that. I might change my tune if we have to try skin-on-skin contact, though … ”

“Good to know, Todd,” I tried to laugh, but the frigid air had nearly glazed over my vocal chords.

Then, I heard our salvation.

“Jacob, look!” Gula exclaimed. “Ira did it!”

“You’re welcome,” the sub half said proudly.

I looked over and saw the Dom flying toward us like a speeding bullet. Behind the succubus were two vargrats, charging after the meaty flesh in her hands with a look of savage hunger in their eyes.

“Remember guys,” I ordered as I tightened my grip on my dagger. “No magic, and go for the neck.”

“Y-You’re getting good at this, Jacob,” Gula giggled and summoned forth her battle axe with a flash of red Hellfire.

“Look at those teeth!” the sub giggled. “I wanna be in those jaws sooooo bad.”

All three of us looked at Ira’s sub with a look of annoyance.

“Uh, maybe you should sit this one out?” Todd suggested. “We got this under control, Crazy Eyes.”

The sub crossed her arms and pouted. “Fine,” she conceded, “but I can’t promise I won’t touch myself while I watch you bash their brains in.”

I nodded with a roll of my eyes. “Deal.”

The two vargrats were nearly upon us, and I saw the Dom summon her morning star into her free hand. She halted in the air about one hundred feet from our position and looked down at me for final approval. I gave her a nod, and then the succubus heaved the meaty flesh right over in front of us.

Instantly, both of the vargrats turned their attention toward the fallen meat and plowed through the snow. As they ran, I could hear a few of the people on the ground grunt in pain as they were crushed underneath the rodents’ feet. The beasts were now only a few feet away from us, and we had to act quickly before they decided to turn their attention on us.

I dashed forward, dagger in hand, and tossed up a portal of green Hellfire in front of my body. I zipped through the portal and came out in the air just above the vargrat on the left. My dagger-holding arm flew back behind my head, ready to deliver the killing blow. I landed on the creature with my legs just behind his muscular shoulders, and he began to shriek and flail as he tried to buck me off. Quickly, I threw my body forward and wrapped my arms as tightly as I could around the beast’s upper body. It took every ounce of strength in my core to keep myself on top of the vargrat as he bucked, but I was able to slowly inch myself forward.

As I crawled, I glanced over at the other monstrous beast. He must have sensed that something was up, because he dashed right past the bloody chunk of meat lying on the ground and snarled at my friends as he approached.

Thankfully, Todd and Gula were already prepared. The voluptuous redheaded succubus picked up the imp in her free hand, ran forward, and heaved him as hard as she could toward the incoming beast. Todd curled up into a ball as he spun through the air, and then he made himself go spread-eagle as he landed directly on the vargrat’s snout. He began to tear at the creature’s eyes with his claws, and the monster let out a shrill screech of pain as it was blinded.

I turned my attention back to my own vargrat, which was now chasing the airborne Dom of Ira as she flew through the sky. The creature pushed itself up into the air, and I had to hold on for dear life as it nipped at the succubus’ feet. Ira’s morning star connected with the vargrat’s face, and his body spun around as it spiraled back to Earth.

The beast hit the ground hard, and a spray of slush flew up and nearly covered my body. It was still freezing out here, but the adrenaline currently surging through me made it feel like my whole body was burning up.

I inched forward a few more feet, until I was finally upon the beast’s neck. The vargrat shook its head back and forth violently, and I nearly lost my grip. Before I could fall off and become this ugly fucker’s next meal, I stabbed my blade down at the base of the creature’s brain. It let out a cry of pain, but it didn’t go down.

Fucking hell. My dagger wasn’t long enough to pierce its spinal cord.

The vargrat was now flailing so hard it was only a matter of time before I lost my grip. I slammed down my dagger into its neck repeatedly, but the beast just wouldn’t go down. Finally, the monster tossed its head back and threw me into the air. My heart sank into my stomach as I hung there for what felt like an eternity, and then I twisted my body around so I could see the beast.

The creature leapt up into the air with its mouth wide open and its razor-sharp teeth exposed, ready to devour my fleshy body. I wanted to use my green Hellfire, but the vargrat was immune. He’d simply pass through it as if it weren’t there and kill me anyway.

“Jacob, catch!” I heard Ira’s Dom call out from above.

The next thing I knew, her morning star was flying through the air directly toward me. I snatched it up into my hand, pulled it back, and then brought it down onto the vargrat’s skull. It didn’t kill the monster, but it did knock his razor-sharp teeth out of my trajectory. My body smashed into the beast, bounced off his furry body like a trampoline, and landed face-up in the slush.

Before I could even reorient myself, the vargrat appeared above me, and it was all I could do to hold out the morning star to block his deadly teeth. The creature’s mouth clamped down on the hilt of my weapon, and then I felt myself being lifted and slammed into the ground repeatedly. The freezing slush helped to numb the blows, but each one still reverberated through my body and sent a wave of pain shooting up my spine.

“Hold on, Jacob!” Ira’s Dom exclaimed.

Suddenly, the succubus’ body flew into the side of the vargrat’s head, feet first. Her pointed heels stabbed into the side of the creature’s cranium, and the blow from her momentum caused him to release his grip on the morning star.

Now was my only chance to finish this thing off.

From the ground, I pulled back my arm and brought the morning star forward, directly into the vargrat’s throat. The spike on the weapon’s tip slid across the rodent’s flesh and tore it open. What seemed like a waterfall of warm red blood sloshed out and covered my body as the monster shrieked in pain.

The vargrat rolled over onto its back, and I hopped up onto my feet to finish it off. I held out my hand and called my goat-headed dagger back into my hand with a cast of green flames. Then, I charged at the vulnerable vargrat, held out my dagger in front of my body, and stabbed it into the bottom of his neck as far as my momentum would allow.

There was a yelp of surprise, and then the creature’s body went limp.

I fell to my knees and let out a sigh of relief, but not before I heard a second shriek of pain from behind me. I quickly spun around to see the second vargrat go down with a blow from Gula’s axe. The second he had fallen, the curvy redhead raised her glowing weapon above her body, brought it down, and severed the creatures’ head at the neck. The muddy slush was turned into a deep red as a geyser of gore erupted from the stump where the vargrat’s head used to be.

He was dead.

“Ohhhh, that really got me off!” Ira’s sub panted from off in the distance. “The way you two both brutalized those things? All this blood? Whew!”

The other half of Ira landed beside me and picked up her morning star. I stood up, held my dagger in my hand, and approached the fallen creature.

“We don’t have much time,” I observed. “The adrenaline high won’t last forever. We need to get these things skinned before the cold overtakes us.”

The group spent the next few minutes using our weapons to cut the furry skin off the animals. I’d never actually skinned anything before, but I knew plenty of people back in Kansas City who had, and I got the general idea from watching them. Soon enough, we had the creatures’ hides clean off.

“So what now?” Todd asked curiously. “Are we all just gonna huddle together underneath a giant fur blanket?”

“Of course not,” I promised and began to slice through the hide.

I was able to get it into a rough square pattern about five feet wide by three feet tall, and then I handed it to the imp.

“See?” I explained. “It’s kinda like a cloak.”

“Kinda” was the key word here. There was a whole process that normally went into skinning and prepping an animal’s hide for a coat, but we didn’t have anywhere near the time or skills to make that happen. These things were about as rough as you could get. The cloaks were soaked with the warm, red blood of the vargrats, and they reeked of iron gore and dying flesh.

However, they were the only things that were going to stand between us and the bitter cold, so they would do for now.

The imp snatched the piece of fur from my hand and tossed it around his shoulders. “Winter is coming, bro,” he announced. “I fucking love it. Even if it smells like our old high school locker room.”

“That’s the s-spirit,” I shivered as I sliced out another piece. “Although I’d much rather be back in that locker room than here, wearing a piece of dead animal on my body.”

“I dunno, bro,” Todd mused. “Weird shit went on in those locker rooms. Did I ever tell you about the time I saw Robbie Parker’s mold?”

“You mean, ‘his mole,’ right?” I asked hopefully.

Todd shook his head. “No, bro,” he shuddered. “I mean his mold.”

I was able to get enough skin from each vargrat to make six more cloaks, more than enough for each member of our party. When I finally wrapped my own furry garment around my body, I felt like I was being embraced by an electric blanket on steroids. The cloak did a perfect job at blocking out the bitter wind and the sleet, even if it was rough and didn’t fit quite as snuggly as I had hoped.

“Ira?” I said to get the two halves’ attention. “Would you be willing to take the extra cloaks back to the rest of the team?”

The sub just pouted. “Does this mean we don’t get to be in this fantastic place any more?” she questioned. “This has been my favorite adventure so far.”

“Trust me, you’ll be back,” I chuckled. “We still have a demon worm to kill, remember?”

“Speaking of the ‘ol Tremor,” Todd spoke up, “how exactly do we plan on beating him? Didn’t Strawberry Shortcake tell us it’s never been done before? I’m all for trying something new, but winging this one doesn’t sound like an option, bro.”

“We’ll beat him the same way we’ve beaten everyone else so far,” I acknowledged, “as a team. That’s why it’s so important we get these to everyone.”

“Why?” Gula asked. “What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking that, if we want to stand any chance of killing Vermis, we’re going to need everybody on deck,” I continued.

“Maybe it’s just the years of drug abuse talking, but I’m really confused,” Todd admitted. “We can only have two of the girls down here at a time.”

“That’s right.” I nodded. “Which means we’ll have to do a bunch of quick changes. Every single one of us is going to have a role to play in this battle.”

I turned back to the two halves of Ira, handed them the remaining cloaks, and took a step back. “When you get surface-side, make sure you warn the rest of the team,” I ordered the Sister of Wrath. “You all need to be ready, because I could call you into battle on a moment’s notice.”

“Ohhhh, I get it now,” Todd said as the lightbulb turned on in his head. “We’re totally battling the Elite Four. The dragon dude, to be exact.”

“Precisely,” I confirmed. “And just like with that guy, we’re going to have to play our cards right and make sure we’re using each team member’s special abilities at just the right time.”

“I love it,” Gula said with a wide grin. “Let’s go take down a demon worm.”

“We’ll go and inform the others,” Ira’s Dom proclaimed. “When you need us, you know what to do.”

“Goodbye, Third Circle,” the sub sighed and stood beside her other half.

I touched the whip tattoo on my shoulder, and the two succubi disappeared. I turned back to my remaining two friends and looked at them somberly.

“Now all we have to do is find this Vermis thing,” I sighed. “I don’t even know how the fuck we’re gonna--”

“Don’t stress out about it, bro,” Todd explained as he patted my knee comfortingly. “Everybody knows you just gotta go through the front door of the house. Sand worms and all that.”

“This isn’t one of your movies, Todd,” I said as I rubbed my temples. “There’s got to be a place where Vermis hangs out here in the Third Circle, or at least a way to summon him to our location.”

“Todd’s right, you know,” Gula explained. “We do just have to go through the front door.”

“Say that again, Swedish Chef,” Todd said boastfully. “Those words are like music to my tiny ears.”

“Seriously, though,” I asked in shock. “What do you mean?”

Gula extended her arm out and pointed off in the distance. “The whole point of Vermis is to watch over these tormented Shades,” she continued. “If we follow the trail of bodies in the slush, they’ll eventually start to show up in larger clusters. The bigger the cluster, the closer we are to Vermis’ dwelling.”

“And then we kick in his front door and do the whole ‘final battle’ thing,” Todd finished.

“Exactly,” Gula confirmed with a nod. “Although I doubt he has a door, per say. He is a giant ground worm, after all.”

“But then what?” I questioned. “We still have to find the portal to the Fourth Circle, and that could be anywhere.”

“Oh, contraire,” the curvy redhead giggled and tapped my nose playfully. “All of the tunnels in Vermis’ lair lead to the gateway between the Third and Fourth Circle. All we have to do is get inside and follow them to their end. Finding the portal will be easy, it’s killing Vermis that’s hard.

“Then what are we waiting for?” Todd announced impatiently. “We gotta head over to this oversized dick’s cave and kick its ass. The spice must flow.”

“Ya know, there are a surprising amount of sand worm references in this world,” I observed with a chuckle. “And you seem to know them all, Toddster.”

The imp put his hands on his hips and let his cloak flow behind him like a superhero. “I sure as fuck do,” he said through a toothy grin. “Now, come, House of Ralston. We’ve got a worm to kill.”

The three of us began to scope out the landscape and count the number of bodies we saw. The clusters seemed to grow bigger off to the east, so we began to march in that general direction. We continued in this direction for nearly an hour. As we walked, we observed the groups of bodies growing larger and larger, until we were eventually passing by clumps comprised of fifty or sixty people.

“We gotta be getting close,” Todd mused. “It’s starting to look like an orgy-flavored icee around here.”

“That was a term I think I could have gone my whole life without hearing,” I laughed.

“I’m not even going to pretend to imagine what that would taste like,” Gula gagged.

“Sweat and the disappointment of your parents,” Todd explained. “That’s what it would taste like. And raspberry.”

We finally came over the crest of a small hill and stopped in our tracks immediately. Before us stood a huge, open landscape filled with hundreds, if not thousands, of tormented bodies. Their cries echoed through the air with a haunting hum, and it was unnerving enough that I almost wanted to turn back. Most importantly, however, was the fact that there was a massive opening in the center of the field of bodies.

“That must be Vermis’ lair,” I said as I pointed to the pit. “Now we just need to draw him out.”

“That won’t be hard.” Gula shrugged. “A simple blast of Hellfire should be enough to grab his attention.”

I looked back and forth between Gula and Todd. “This is it, guys,” I announced. “We can’t go any deeper into Hell before we kill this thing. Are you ready?”

“Wait!” Todd exclaimed. “Give me a second to get into character.”

The imp clapped his feet together, stood up straight, and began to hum the theme from Footloose. As his tune crescendoed, he began to do the infamous dance in all of its glory until he came to the end of the song.

“There,” he panted. “Now I totally feel like Kevin Bacon. Let’s do this shit.”

Gula and I looked at each other with fear in our eyes, and then we turned our bodies in the direction of the massive pit. We both summoned red Hellfire into our hands, and then clapped them together in unison to intertwine our spell and send a mammoth-sized fireball hurling toward Vermis’ dwelling. The attack lit up the dreary landscape as if it were a miniature sun, and then it disappeared into the opening of the cave. There was a loud, echoing crash when the fireball made an impact, and then there was silence.

“Maybe he’s not home?” Todd suggested. “I mean, surely there’s a lot of errands a devil worm can--”

Before Todd could finish his sentence, the ground began to tremble at our feet. Instantly, the three of us summoned our Hellfire into our hands and prepared to face whatever horrific monster awaited us.

Slowly, the head of Vermis erupted from the cavern and raised itself into the air until it stood nearly six stories tall. The worm creature didn’t have any sort of eyes, but he had two massive silver horns like a bulls that rested on his forehead. His skin was a dark reddish color, and it looked like it was covered with a thick layer of slime and dirt. Vermis’ mouth opened in four different directions as he let out a primal hiss of rage, and I observed that the inside was filled with thousands of razor-sharp teeth.

“This is it, guys,” I growled and drew my dagger from my belt. “Let’s turn this fucker into worm food.”

Chapter 18

“I’ve never actually seen Vermis in the flesh before,” Gula muttered as we stared down the giant devil worm. “He’s even more disgusting than the stories I’ve heard.”

“He’s one ugly mothafucker,” Todd added in a Schwarzenegger voice.

“He’s also way bigger than I would have thought,” Gula said as she looked the six-story-tall demon up and down.

“If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that one,” I joked.

“You’d have like, eight nickels, bro,” Todd shot back coyly. “That’d be about enough for a gas station soda.”

“Touché, Todd,” I admitted. “Touché.”

“So, what’s the plan?” Gula asked in a panic. “I don’t think he’s gonna take long to figure out it was us who just ruined his beauty sleep.”

“Let’s call our battle strategist and find out,” I said as I placed my finger on top of the black angel wings tattoo.

There was a quick burst of light as Cupi’s figure appeared. The succubus was already battle-ready, with her wings sprouted and her polearm at full length in her hands. She wore the vargrat fur cloak we’d made her around her shoulders, and her wings poked out the back somewhat comically.

“Cupi,” I ordered. “What’s your take on this situation?”

Vermis was scanning the landscape, surely looking for the source of the disturbance. Without eyes, I assumed he was a blind demon that used the rest of his senses to navigate the Third Circle. Or maybe he had infrared vision or some shit like that. There was still a lot about this worm creature I didn’t understand.

“We need to hit him hard and fast,” Cupi explained. “Vermis navigates by echolocation and his sense of sound, so if we move quick enough he won’t be able to get a handle on our location..”

“But how the fuck do we kill something that big?” I asked as I cautiously watched the worm begin to slither forward. “He’s larger than Cerberus!”

“I don’t know,” the blonde succubus admitted, “but the portal to the next Circle is located in the caverns below, where he has a massive advantage over us. We have to kill him up here, or we’ll all be worm food.”

“Then what the fuck are we waiting for?” Todd screamed as he raised his flaming hand into the air. “Let. The. Spice. Floooowwww!”

The imp charged in the direction of Vermis, and the rest of us were right behind him. Cupi was far and away the fastest of the group, and she was several feet ahead of us in no time at all.

“You two take to the sky,” I commanded the succubi. “Todd and I will try to hit him from below.”

“Got it,” Gula nodded and summoned forth her wings.

The curvy redhead in the cloak zipped up and into the air with her battle axe at the ready. At the same time, Cupi propelled herself off the ground and went airborne next to her sister. They both rocketed toward the demon worm’s head at breakneck speeds.

“I need you to be my spotter, Todd,” I admitted to the imp. “It’s a risky game we’re playing here, summoning all of the succubi rapidly like this. Your job is to make sure I don’t get distracted.”

“Uh, I dunno if I’m the best imp for that,” he groaned. “I swear I got ADD. I get distracted so easily.”

“If we pull this off, I’ll finally sign off on those papers for that dispensary you and Tris have been talking about,” I offered.

The imp’s eyes shone bright with happiness, and he nodded without another word.

“First things first,” I ordered, “we need to give the girls a little distraction.”

I summoned red Hellfire into my hands as I channelled all of the energy I had into my attack. At the same time, my temples throbbed aggressively, and the darkness around me was illuminated by a soft blue glow.

That’d be my horns, right on cue.

Todd was charging his own attack. “Kame … hame … ” he growled as his whole body trembled at the awesome fireball he was creating.

It was only about the size of a basketball, but bless him for trying.

“Ha!” Todd cackled as we both released our incendiary spells.

The two fireballs shot across the slushy landscape as drops of slushy rain sizzled against the white-hot flames. Eventually, they struck Vermis in his midsection, and the devil worm let out a roar of pain. The sound was so intense it shook the entire landscape and nearly knocked Todd and I on our asses. Vermis turned his attention in our direction and began to slither over toward our position.

“Oh shit, bro,” Todd gasped. “We’re totally about to get Beetlejuiced! I don’t wanna wait in line for forty years.”

Vermis was approaching fast, but my succubi were faster. There were two flashes of purple streaking through the sky on the demon worm’s left side, accompanied by the glow of Gula’s battle axe. The two women struck Vermis in the side of the head at full speed, and there was a small spray of blood as his body stumbled to the side. The girls zipped up into the air just as he snapped at them with his jaws, and I saw the underside of his neck was now exposed.

I threw out a portal of green Hellfire in front of us and nodded at the imp. With my other hand, I summoned forth yellow Hellfire and launched two or three handfuls of yellow throwing stars through the jade inferno. At the same time, Todd tossed fireball after tiny fireball through the portal.

I pointed my glowing emerald hand at the worm’s neck, and our projectiles reappeared right at the fucker’s soft spot. Even from this distance, I could see the impact of our attack, but it seemed to do little more than make the worm angry.

Vermis roared once more and brought his head down like a battering ram.

“Fuck!” I screamed as I threw up the biggest purple barrier I could muster.

My shield held up, but the impact of the massive worm’s body against my Hellfire forced me down to my knees and caused a small crater to form around my feet. This asshole was heavy as fuck, but I couldn’t let up now or Todd and I would be crushed to a pulp.

Up close, Vermis was somehow even uglier. The demon worm’s skin was rigid like an Earthworm, and gooey pink slime oozed out of every inch of his body.

There was the sound of blade hitting flesh, and Vermis screamed in pain. The creature pulled itself back into an upright position and tried to snap at its attacker with its jaws.

“We need to move,” I commanded the imp as I summoned a portal of green at our feet.

“Ya don’t gotta tell me twice,” he confirmed and then jumped through the glowing green vortex.

I hopped into the portal and reappeared about half a mile behind Vermis.

“That thing’s taking damage, but it’s still going strong,” I growled.

“Maybe we need Strawberry Shortcake to weaken it with her fear powers?” Todd suggested.

The imp was right. Gula and Cupi were doing some damage, but right now they were doing little more than inflicting flesh wounds on the six-story-tall creature. Maybe having Sia around could at least weaken him enough to land a fatal blow.

“Alright, Cupi,” I mused as I touched her symbol. “I’m calling you back.”

The light shot across the landscape and engulfed the flying succubus. Not even a second after she had disappeared, I called forth Sia with her golden hand tattoo.

“What’s the situation, Jacob?” she asked as her petite figure appeared next to us.

“We need your fear powers,” I explained. “Gula is our most powerful fighter, and she’s not doing much damage to this bastard. If you could weaken him a little, maybe--”

The madame stepped forward and summoned black flames into her hands. “On it,” she cut me off as the spell began to engulf her entire body.

Sia’s tiny figure floated up into the air, surrounded by the dark Hellfire that she was charging. Then, she let out a grunt of determination as she launched a beam of her fear magic directly at Vermis.

The spell struck the fucker in the back of his torso and set him ablaze with the black flames. Gula must have understood what was going on, because there was a flash of her enchanted battle axe as she zipped over to the darkened spot. This time, what looked like a geyser of blood sprayed across the slushy landscape, and Vermis’ sounds were much more agonized.

“That fucking worked!” I clapped my hands together joyfully. “Sia, Todd, let’s toast this bitch.”

Sia shot another blast of the black Hellfire at the beast, while Todd and I threw everything we had at the monster. Spells of yellow, red, and black illuminated the sky as they struck Vermis in the side and caused him to howl in pain.

The creature whipped its head around and began to survey the air. Then, he seemed to lock down on our position, and he slithered toward us faster than I’d seen him move this whole time.

“Hit him again!” I ordered, and Sia launched another blast of her fear spell.

This time, Vermis must have been onto us. He began to serpentine through the slushy ground and dodged each and every one of our attacks. The demon worm was approaching fast, and I was gonna have to improvise if we wanted to make it out of here without becoming worm shit.

Then it hit me. Cupi had mentioned that Vermis navigated based on vibrations.

I summoned forth the bronze Hellfire into my hand and blasted it into the ground about ten feet away. The slushy landscape began to vibrate violently, and Vermis stopped right in his tracks.

The devil worm raised his head up into the sky and looked around in a confused panic. My idea had worked. He had no idea where the hell we were, and that made him a sitting duck.

The succubus madame didn’t even need another command. She blasted a wave of black Hellfire into the side of the worm creature’s face. Gula followed up with another strafe with her axe, and the monster screamed in pain as the bottom right jowl of his mouth was sliced off.

Vermis shrieked and lashed out blindly with his tail. The massive appendage headed in our direction, and I only had seconds to react. I threw up a wall of purple flames, but the shockwave from the impact tossed all three of us back into the wet, icy ground.

I quickly hopped back up to my feet and checked on my friends. Todd was struggling to stand up on the icy ground, and Sia was laying there, groggy but alive.

“Fuck,” I hissed. “Sia, you need to get back to surface level and heal yourself up. You’ve done enough for now.”

“No, Jacob, I--” she tried to protest, but I had already touched her emblem.

Sia disappeared, and I turned back to watch Gula squaring off with Vermis.

The curvy redhead was zipping past the demon worm, but she had much less speed in her flight than she had before. She must have been getting worn down from the battle.

“I think it’s time to call back Gula, bro,” Todd observed. “Maybe Slothy will have a solution?”

“Liby and Tris it is,” I nodded and tapped the flaming battle axe to recall Gula.

Instantly, I pressed down on the two logos that represented Libidine and Tristitia, and the succubi appeared by our side. Liby didn’t even hesitate before she summoned her wings and sprang into action, soaring up toward Vermis and darting back and forth around his head like an annoying fly.

Tris, on the other hand, just stood there with a joint in her mouth.

“Are you high?” I demanded. “Right now?”

Todd wiped away a tear. “I’m so proud, Slothy,” he giggled.

“You say ‘high’ like it’s a bad thing, dude.” Tris shrugged. “But don’t stress, I already have a plan. Namaste, Jacob. Namaste.”

“You have a plan?” I asked with surprise. “What exactly are you--”

“Are you familiar with a zerg rush?” the brunette asked coyly.

“Slothy,” Todd sighed, “you make me one happy imp.”

Tris’ eyes began to glow orange, and the color engulfed both of her arms. She reached out toward all of the bodies lying around in the slushy mess of the Third Circle and encased them in the Hellfire.

Slowly, each of the tormented Shades began to show new life. The groans of agony stopped, making the landscape eerily quiet, and they started to pull themselves to their feet. Soon, Tris had a whole army of Shades at her side. The succubus shot me a smile before she tossed her glowing hands forward and commanded her undead army to attack.

Hundreds upon hundreds of Shades ran up to Vermis on all sides and began to climb up his body like they were kids on a playground. Within seconds, the demon worm’s entire lower body was covered by a swarm of the undead. He tried to shake back and forth to throw them off, but there were far too many of them. The swarm eventually overtook his entire body and pinned Vermis down onto the ground.

“Holy fuck Tris!” Libidine exclaimed as she landed beside us. “That was brilliant.”

The brunette succubus just shrugged. “I do my best, Lib,” she admitted. “To be honest, I stole it from an online game I play while you guys are out on missions.”

“I don’t care where you got it from,” I whistled. “It worked like a charm.”

“As great as it is, I don’t think it’ll hold him forever,” Libidine admitted. “We need to figure out a way to land the killing blow.”

“What if we went at him from the inside?” I asked curiously. “We could send Ira’s Sub into his throat, and she could take out his internal organs?”

Todd slapped my leg happily. “I knew there was a reason I kept you around, Jakey,” he giggled. “Let’s Hercules this bitch.”

“Sister Tris needs to stay here to keep him pinned down,” Libidine nodded. “I’ll sit this one out, even though I totally want to see how this all ends.”

“I’ll tell you all about it the next time we see each other,” I said lovingly to the dark-haired succubus.

I touched my tattoo and recalled Libidine. Then, I summoned Ira, who was already in her two different halves and ready for battle. I quickly explained my plan to the succubi, and the sub looked like she was about to get off just from hearing my words.

“I fucking love it!” she exclaimed. “All that stomach acid … those razor-sharp teeth … get me in there!”

“You’re not gonna have to wait much longer, guys,” Tris said through a grimace. “These Shades are starting to lose their grip on Vermis. They’re only humans, after all.”

The brunette succubus grunted with frustration as she tried to keep the devil worm pinned down, but it was no use. There was a soft rumble as Vermis’ body raised back up into view, and the bodies of the glowing orange Shades tumbled off helplessly.

“Wohoooo!” Ira’s sub half exclaimed with glee as she sprouted her wings and took to the sky.

The succubus made it a point to be as loud as possible to attract the attention of the worm, who turned to face her with his half-missing maw. As she approached the creature, the sub called forth her flaming whip and began to crack it through the sleet-filled air like a madwoman.

Vermis responded with a guttural growl that shook the entire landscape, and then he charged headfirst at his new opponent. Several of Tris’ enchanted Shades clamored up his body, but none of them had the strength or the numbers to bring the devil worm down again. He opened the three remaining lips of his mouth, and his razor-sharp teeth glared in the little bit of light we had in the Third Circle.

Ira’s sub covered herself with the golden flame of healing as she passed into the worm’s mouth. He snapped his jaws shut around the succubus, and we all held our breath in anticipation.

“We need to keep him distracted,” I ordered the rest of my friends. “Todd, you wanna go be a fly on the wall?”

“Do I ever!” Todd giggled and engulfed himself in black Hellfire. “Da-da-da-da-da, SuperTodd!”

The imp floated up into the air, extended his fist out above his head like a superhero, and shot off toward the angry Vermis. As he flew through the air, his cloak flapped behind him like a cape, and I was sure he was loving every second of this.

“I guess I’ll join him, as well,” Ira’s Dom said with a shrug, and then she sprouted her large bat wings and flew up into the sky. “You two take care of things from down here, okay?”

“That’s just what I was thinking.” I grinned as I summoned yellow Hellfire into my hands.

I glanced over at Tris, who had not released her necromancy spell. “I guess I’m gonna have to get my hands dirty after all,” she sighed and pulled two pistols out of her thigh-high holsters. “At least I can do it from a distance.”

I launched a handful of throwing stars at the beast at the same time that Tris began to unload a hailstorm of bullets in its direction. Our projectiles smashed into the creature and riddled it with holes that were little more than pinpricks to a demon of his size. Todd and Ira’s Dom zipped around Vermis’ head as he lurched at the swarming attackers and tried to snatch them up in his jaws.

Suddenly, Vermis’ entire body went rigid, and he let out a painful whimper that echoed across the landscape. His body started to twitch violently, and for a moment, I thought victory was imminent.

We weren’t that lucky.

Vermis’ whimper turned into a full-on bellow of rage, and he began to quicken his pace as he snapped his jaws at my two friends. Todd and Ira’s Dom were still able to dodge the strikes, but his teeth were getting closer and closer with each attack.

If I didn’t do something quick, they were gonna join the sub in the belly of the beast.

“Keep shooting,” I commanded Tris as I surveyed the surroundings for anything I could use as a makeshift weapon.

Save for the mountains of slush and tormented Shades, there was nothing as far as the eye could see. Fuck it, that would have to do for now.

I summoned green Hellfire into my hands and aimed at a few of the Shades that were closest to our position. Their bodies were engulfed with the emerald flames as I lifted them up into the air. Then, I hauled my hand back behind me, brought it forward, and launched the cluster of bodies at Vermis.

The second the Shades were within striking distance, the demon worm lashed out and grabbed one in his jaws. He made a ghastly sound as he growled and shook the body violently, and then he tossed it up into the air, opened his mouth, and gulped it down his gullet.

“Eat this, worm-boy!” Todd yelled as he tossed a dozen small fireballs directly down into the demon’s throat.

Vermis yelped with pain and retracted his head away in a panic. Before he could reorient himself, Todd and the Dom launched another assault. Ira’s Dom half swooped down and swatted the worm’s head with her morning star. At the same time, Todd began to fly around his target in circles, unleashing wave after wave of fireballs as he flew.

The devil worm now seemed to be completely disoriented, and he snapped at the air as he tried to retaliate. Finally, he went completely still, and the sound of his gurgling intestines reverberated across the slushy environment.

Ira’s sub, still covered with glowing golden Hellfire, burst forth from the creature’s lower body. She was covered from head to toe with blood, guts, and stomach acid, but she still wore a wide grin on her face. The succubus zipped over to Tris and I and fluttered down to the ground gracefully.

“What a rush!” she said with a happy shudder. “Can I do it again?”

“If that worked, you won’t have to.” I nodded to the demon worm, who now had a gaping hole in his gut.

Vermis groaned in agony and began to retreat from the battle. He inched backward slowly, wounded, but still very much alive. As he slithered away, the devil worm dragged a large streak of blood behind his body.

“He’s headed back to his hidey-hole, bro!” Todd called out as he flew back over.

“Fuck!” Ira’s Dom spat. “If he makes it back down there, we don’t stand a snowball’s chance in Hell to beat him.”

“That’s a terrible analogy, Crazy Eyes,” Todd said sarcastically. “It’s colder than my ex’s heart here.”

“Could you teleport him back to us?” Tris suggested. “Then we could try to finish him off, and we wouldn’t have to waste any energy chasing after him.”

As I watched Vermis slink away, an idea began to form in my head. “What if we don’t have to chase him?” I asked aloud. “You said the portal to the Third Circle is down in his cave, right?”

“I believe so,” the Dom explained, “but it’s pitch-black down there, and Vermis knows the paths through these caves like the back of his hand. Going down there would be suicide.”

“Then we destroy the caverns,” I said as I clenched my fists and summoned green Hellfire into my hands.

“Bro, I hope you’re not thinking of doing anything stupid … ” Todd warned.

“I hope he is!” the sub giggled.

“Do you trust me?” I asked my friends as I cast a human-sized portal of green in front of us.

“Of course,” both Iras said at once.

“Till the end, dude,” Tris added.

I looked up at Todd, and the imp nodded in agreement. “Bro, if I didn’t trust you by now, I woulda found a different roommate a looonnggg time ago,” he laughed. “Let’s get dangerous.”

“Follow my lead,” I commanded, and then all four of my friends stepped through the portal.

I took a deep breath and followed them into the abyss. My body became weightless as I momentarily traveled through space and time, and then all five of us reappeared directly at the edge of Vermis’ cave.

The devil worm was still hundreds of feet away, but he was approaching rapidly.

I turned to my friends and motioned for them to enter the cavern.

“Damn it,” Todd sighed. “I knew it was gonna be something crazy.”

“Just get in there!” I pleaded.

The three succubi looked at me with fear in their eyes, but then they jumped into the cavern. Todd raised his hands into the air like a gymnast, somersaulted forward, and disappeared into the darkness. Vermis was close enough now that I could hear the sound of the slushy ground quaking under his body.

Without looking back, I stepped off the ledge and fell down into the opening. As I fell, I lit up my hand with red Hellfire so I could see where the fuck I was going. The mouth of the cavern was gargantuan to accommodate for the demon’s size, but I could just make out the jagged, oozing walls of the cavern around me. My trajectory continued, and I could feel my body falling faster and faster by the second. Even worse, I could now see the bottom of the cave down below, and it was approaching at breakneck speed. I instinctively wrapped my entire body in green Hellfire, caught myself in midair, and slowed my descent down to a survivable speed. My feet smacked into the hard ground of the cave, and I tumbled forward onto the rocky floor. A sharp pain shot through my entire being as I smashed into the ground, but I was able to reorient myself and stand to my feet.

Every bone in my body might be aching, but I was still alive. At least, for now.

Up above, I heard the ground tremble as the opening of the cave was covered by Vermis’ shadow. I could no longer see the devil worm, but I was sure he could see me, and I was sure he was out for blood.

Exactly like I’d planned.

“Bro!” Todd’s voice called out from my left. “Over here!”

I spun around and dashed toward the sound of the imp’s voice. Todd’s tiny fist was glowing red with Hellfire, and it acted as a beacon in the darkness of the cavern. Once I got closer, I pointed further into the tunnel.

“Run!” I demanded. “If we want this plan to work, we have to be deep in these caverns.”

“He really is crazy,” Ira’s Dom whistled. “Mama like.”

The five of us continued down the caverns, running as fast as our feet would take us. We kept running for a solid ten minutes, and I was starting to get exhausted. However, the adrenaline of knowing that there was a giant, killer devil worm somewhere behind us made for one hell of a motivation. Finally, we came to a screeching halt just above another massive chasm.

“I--I think my sides are gonna explode,” Tris panted and placed her hands on her knees.

“This plan better be worth it, bro,” Todd added. “I always knew I’d die after being forced to exercise.”

“Nobody’s gonna die,” I promised my friends. “I--”

“Jacob, look!” Ira’s Dom exclaimed and pointed down into the chasm. “All seven of the tunnels lead to this one spot. And this one down here is only a few dozen feet deep. I think this is it.”

“The portal to the Fourth Circle,” I gasped. “But why isn’t it open?”

As if the universe were answering my question, the tunnel behind us began to shake.

“That’d be why,” the Dom sighed. “The portal can’t be opened as long as its guardian is alive.”

I clenched my fist and stepped in front of my friends. “Then we’re just going to have to kill this fucker, now won’t we?” I growled. “You three go stand where the portal will open. I’ll handle Vermis.”

“Jacob--” Tris protested.

“Just go!” I commanded and turned back toward the devil worm.

Vermis’ outline was still far down the tunnel, but I knew it wouldn’t take him long to close the gap between us. I stepped forward, away from my friends and into the massive underground passage, and prepared for the final showdown.

The creature let out a loud, shrieking roar, and I instinctively shot back with my own angry scream. The sounds of our rage echoed off the walls of the cavern, and then the creature’s figure began to zip forward with the speed of a cheetah.

I was getting real tired of this shit. I was tired of fighting through the Circles of Hell, beating the shit out of all of these demon fuckers that we’d already killed, traveling through terrible terrain filled with death traps galore. Vermis was the only thing standing between us and our final destination, and I was going to fucking make him pay for it.

My hands began to glow with brilliant bronze Hellfire. I allowed all of the power in my being to flow into my spell, and once it was fully charged, I slammed both my fists down into the ground in front of me. The entire cave began to shudder from the might of my judgement, and chunks of rock began to collapse from the ceiling. I felt the energy surging through me as I pulled up one of my fists and created a quick purple barrier around my body. I tried to balance my spells so I still had enough power to protect myself, but every other ounce of energy in my body went into my bronze Hellfire.

Vermis was now only a few hundred feet away from me, and he opened his deadly jaws wide, ready to gulp me down like a quick snack. I screamed a scream of primal rage as I intensified my judgement spell, and it felt like a magnitude seven earthquake was now reverberating through the cave. Just before the ugly fucker’s jaws reached my position, the roof of the cavern collapsed down on his head. He screeched in agony as his body was crushed by the weight of the falling rocks, and then the place went unnervingly silent.

This was it, I only had one shot to escape. The cave-in had hopefully killed Vermis, and it would definitely kill me if I was more than a few feet off with my calculations. I kept my protective spell around my body, but I began to think about this whole situation, and just how disgusted it made me feel. I thought about the nasty-ass worm that had tried to kill us, and about how none of us would be going through this right now if it wasn’t for that fucker Azazel. I felt the green Hellfire engulf my body, and I tried my damndest to picture the spot in the cave where the portal was located. My body went weightless as it was teleported, and then I reappeared where my mind had instructed it to go.

For a half-second, I was too scared to open my eyes. I forced myself to pry them open, looked down, and sighed with relief. Below me was another, larger green portal. It was like a thousand-ton weight was lifted off my chest as I fell down, through the portal, and into the Fourth Circle.

Then there was lush green grass. I landed onto the soft, dewy ground with a dull thud, and then I quickly rolled over and looked around for my friends. Ira’s two halves were both sitting atop a small tree stump, and they both looked like they were about to pass out from exhaustion. Meanwhile Tris and Todd were both laying on their backs, spread-eagle, moving their arms and legs up and down.

“Grass angels, Jakey!” Todd cackled. “Come over here and celebrate! We made it out of that slushy hellhole!”

I looked around and realized the Toddster was right. The landscape around us was pristine, grassy, and mountainous. There were flowers and trees all around, and off in the distance I could see a few structures in the shape of a cathedral. I fell back down onto my face and let out the loudest laugh I think I’d ever laughed.

I couldn’t believe it. We had done it.

Vermis was dead, and the first three Circles of Hell were now behind us. Once I composed myself, I stood to my feet and sauntered over to Ira’s halves.

“That was pretty ballsy of you,” the Dom cooed. “Trying to sacrifice yourself like that. Vermis would have ripped you to pieces.”

“What are you talking about?” I responded coyly. “I definitely knew what I was doing. The situation was totally under control.”

“Oh, totally,” the succubus shot back knowingly.

I sat down on the stump between the two halves of Ira and wrapped my arms tenderly around both of them. The sun was just setting off behind the mountains in the distance, and I wondered how such an evil place could hold such beauty. Then I looked over at the two halves of the succubus and realized it didn’t fucking matter.

I had an entire arsenal of powers at my disposal, six beautiful women who would literally go to Hell and back for me, and my best friend in the whole world at my side. No matter what came next, no matter what the Fourth Circle of Hell had in store for us, we’d face it together, and we would be victorious.

The next stop? Azazel.

And I was going to destroy him.

End Book 6

End Notes

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2019 by Eric Vall