Chapter 1

“Are you sure this thing is safe, bro?” Todd asked over the roar of the tiny Cessna seaplane. “I think I saw a piece of the wing fly off a minute ago.”

“Relax, son,” the pilot promised from the front. “I’ve been flyin’ since before you were born. Those fuckers weren’t able to shoot me down over in ‘Nam, and it’ll be a cold day in Hell if Ted Rubble crashes his plane on the Canadian side of the border!”

“It’ll be okay, Todd,” I reassured the imp who was disguised in his human form. “Mr. Rubble here was the best pilot our money could buy.”

“How much is he getting for this?” Todd demanded. “I thought you said we were almost broke?”

“That’s irrelevant,” I said with a wave of my hand.

“Ted is very skilled,” Libidine chimed in. “He’ll get us to our destination just fine.”

“But will he get us there in one piece?” Todd whispered with a raised finger. “I think I saw a gremlin out on the wing.”

“That was an episode of Twilight Zone,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “If gremlins were real, don’t you think we would have encountered one by now?”

“Oh,” Cupiditas clicked her tongue from the front seat, “there are still plenty of metaphysical creatures you haven’t met yet… but gremlins aren’t one of them.”

“See?” I motioned to the blonde succubus. “There’s no such things as gremlins. We’ll be fine.”

“Easy for you to say,” Todd grumbled. “You all can fly.”

“So I never got to ask,” Mr. Rubble, who seemed oblivious as to our unusual conversation, asked the cabin. “What brings two young guns and three beautiful ladies like yourselves out to the Yukon?”

“We’re here for work,” I lied. “Our bosses were too cheap to pay for a commercial flight, so we had to swing for a private plane.”

Of course, everything I was telling the pilot was a total lie. Well, maybe not a total lie. Todd, Ira, Liby, Cupi, and I really were out here on “official business,” but not in the way he was thinking. We were out here to find Shax, one of the few remaining members of the Seventy-Two Servants.

He was a hard demon to find, mostly because he liked to keep to himself. As in, he was currently barricaded in a desolate cabin all the way out in the middle of the Canadian wilderness. The closest city was hundreds of miles away, and the nearest airport was even further from his location.

Thankfully, we had been able to put up an ad online looking for a private pilot who could get us out there. That’d be our new friend here, Ted Rubble.

“What line of business are you guys in?” the pilot’s words broke up my thoughts. “Whatever it is, remind me not to get into it. It’s hard to believe anyone would send their employees all the way out to the middle-a nowhere.”

“I dunno, bro,” Todd mused. “We’re gonna get to meet Shaq.”

The pilot looked back at us in confusion. “Shaq?” he asked. “Like, the famous basketball player?”

“No, bro.” Todd shook his head. “I’m talking about the legendary guy who played the rapping genie and the metal superhero. I’m a huge fan. I’ve even got an original copy of Shaq-Fu still in the box!”

“They’re the same person, Todd,” I explained, “and that’s not who we’re meeting. Not even close.”

“You’re not fooling anyone, Jakey,” the imp said as he rolled his eyes. “You just knew I’d never come along if I thought we were going after my favorite actor. Luckily for you, our bromance is stronger than any fanboyism I could possibly have.”

“Glad to hear it,” I played along. “It’s a good thing, too. I hear our Shax is almost as rich as the real Shaq. He’s allegedly got hundreds of thousands of dollars tucked away in his little hideout.”

“Millions,” Ira corrected. “Shax has millions of dollars’ worth of loot in his cabin, mostly in the form of valuable jewels, precious artwork, and gold.”

“You’d be the one to know, sister,” Libidine said as she gave Ira a playful slap on the shoulder. “He donated to your ‘husband’s’ campaign.”

“And now he’s going to donate to mine,” the Sister of Wrath purred. “Whether he wants to or not.”

“Hey now,” Todd interrupted. “There’s five of us, so we should all split it five ways, right? It’s only fair that I’m compensated for taking out one of my idols. You know, emotional trauma and all that.”

“For the last time, Todd,” I sighed, “it’s Shax with an ‘X,’ not the basketball player.”

“Serious actor,” Todd corrected. “It’s like you’ve never seen the masterpiece that is Blue Chips, bro.”

“Fine.” I sighed. “This guy we’re meeting is a demon, not an actor. Besides, all the money is gonna come back around to you, eventually. Think of all the cool shit we can do once we have millions of dollars at our disposal.”

“We could finally add on my ‘playroom!’” Ira cooed.

“Sister Gula could finally have an industrial-sized kitchen,” Libidine added. “And Cupi here could get her personal gym, and I could have a closet the size of a warehouse.”

“Careful.” I grinned at the curvy succubus. “Some of this money needs to be invested in our businesses. It can’t all be for clothes and gyms and food.”

“Hmmmm.” Todd patted his chin as he pondered, and then the lightbulb seemed to come on in his head. “Slothy and I have been talking about opening up our own dispensary… I’ve even been experimenting with my own strains of weed in my greenhouse.”

“Slothy?” Liby questioned.

“That’s what he’s been calling Tris,” Ira explained. “Our newest members of the group aren’t exempt from Todd’s nicknames, either.”

“Bingo, Crazy Eyes.” Todd winked to the succubus. “Slothy’s been trying all the new strains I’ve been making. Fuck, one of them was so good that she didn’t move off the couch for a solid week. That greenhouse is like my own private mad scientist lab.”

“We don’t have a greenhouse,” I reminded the imp cautiously.

“Sure, we do, bro,” Todd argued. “What do you think all those lights in my closet are for?”

“No, Todd,” I tried again, a little less subtle. “We don’t have a greenhouse because that would be illegal, remember?”

“Ohhhhh.” Todd nodded. “Gotcha. Anything we’d be making would be across the border, and one-hundred percent legal.”

The imp in disguise fumbled around in his pocket and produced one of his joints. He lit it with a flash of red Hellfire, placed it on his lips, and took a puff.

“Not that I let the Man tell me what to do, anyway,” Todd explained. “I like to live life on the--”

“Put that out right now!” Ted growled. “There’s no smoking on Rubble Airlines. Especially not the…. Wacky Tobaccy.”

Todd’s eyes grew wide, and he quickly snuffed the doobie and tossed it through the crack in the window. “Won’t happen again, sir,” he promised.

“Good.” The pilot nodded and then did the sign of the cross on his chest. “This is a holy airplane, son. What you want to do in your own spare time is you and the Lord’s business, but don’t be soiling this aircraft with your devilish hobbies.”

My friends and I all looked around at each other and tried our best not to laugh. This poor guy didn’t know the half of it.

“I think we’re getting close, Jacob,” Libidine pointed out the window. “This is Wayfinder’s Lake, the one Shax always comes to when he wants to fish. His cabin has to be somewhere around here.”

“Alright, Ted,” I called up to the pilot. “Is that enough space for you to put ‘er down?”

Mr. Rubble turned around and looked at me with glee in his eyes. “Son,” he explained, “I could put a plane down on the Erie Canal if I had to.”

The pilot then reached up and grabbed the walkie-talkie-like device from his dashboard. “Attention all passengers,” his voice rang through our headsets. “We are about to make our descent. We’d ask that you please buckle your seatbelts and remain seated until the plane has come to a full stop.”

Liby, Ira, and I all fastened the small black belts around our waists, but Todd remained unmoved. After a moment or two, I motioned for the imp in disguise to do the same.

“Nope,” Todd shook his head. “Not doing it. I don’t believe in seatbelts.”

“You don’t believe in--”

“Look, Jakey,” he tried to explain. “The Toddster’s all about freedom and living life on the edge. If I don’t wanna wear my seatbelt, then why should anyone tell me otherwise? What’s next? Are they gonna tell me it’s illegal to cross the street where there’s no crosswalk?”

“Actually--”

“And then what?” Todd continued. “Is ‘The Man’ gonna make me donate my blood so that they can use it in their super-secret cloning experiments?”

“That went from zero to one hundred real quick,” Ira whispered.

“I’m not wearing it,” the imp scoffed one last time. “It’s a matter of personal freedom, bro.”

“Alright,” I conceded, “if that’s what the Toddster wants.”

“It is.” Todd grinned and put his hand up into the air. “Viva la--”

Before he could finish, our plane took a massive nosedive down toward the lake. Todd’s eyes widened as his body was propelled upward by the G-forces of the motion, and he smacked his head violently against the top of the cabin. As he landed back in his chair, he fumbled at the belt until he finally clicked it into place.

“You were saying?” Ira said with a sly grin.

“Hey,” Todd panted through panicked breaths, “at least I woulda gone out on my own terms.”

“Attention, passengers,” Ted’s voice crackled through our headsets. “We’re experiencing a slight bit of turbulence, but we should be arriving at our destination shortly. Fair warning, the landing’s gonna be a little bumpy, so hold on to your rears.”

I glanced out the window of the Cessna and saw the ground quickly approaching. The lake was still pretty far away, and for a moment, I began to wonder if we were going to hit it at all.

My fears were thankfully squashed when the aircraft jerked up horizontally and began to level off.

“We’re comin’ in hot!” Mr. Rubble warned. “I’d hold on to somethin’ if I were you.”

I gripped the armrests of my leather seat tightly and closed my eyes. The next thing I knew, there was a massive jolt and a large splashing sound. Finally, I opened my eyes, saw the beauty of Wayfinder’s Lake floating past the window, and then let out a sigh of relief.

“I knew Ted could do it.” I smiled at my friends. “He’s the best private pilot in all of Oregon.”

“Damn straight.” Mr. Rubble chuckled. “Although I was a tad worried there for a second or two. Honestly, if I hadn’t pulled up when I did, we probably would have all been splattered across that tree line right now.”

“That’s really not something you should admit to your passengers, bro,” Todd explained with a horrified tone in his voice.

“I believe in transparency, son,” Ted argued. “I may be a lot of things, and I may have done some terrible shit in my day, but if there’s one thing I’m not, it’s a liar. Now, where do you want me to drop you off?”

I unbuckled my seatbelt, stood up, and walked up to the cockpit portion of the plane. “There.” I pointed to a small shore area just up ahead. “That’ll do just fine.”

Ted pushed on the stick of his plane, and the aircraft buzzed across the water. It finally stopped about twenty feet from the shore, and the pilot looked over at me with a frown.

“I’m afraid that’s as far as this ol’ girl can go,” he said with a sigh. “It’s too shallow for me to get any closer. Do you guys want me to deploy the life raft?”

“That won’t be necessary,” Cupi explained and stood up from her seat. “We can take it from here.”

“Uh, you fellas are aware that it’s in the negatives up here, right?” Mr. Rubble asked with concern.

“Of course we are,” the blonde succubus explained. “Don’t worry about us, we’ve got it all covered.”

“Fine,” he conceded. “Do you want me to just idle here until you get back, or--”

“Just keep her running,” I commanded the pilot as I popped open the side door. “If all goes well, we shouldn’t be gone for long. And if it doesn’t? Well, then you’ll get paid double.”

“You’re not gonna hear any arguments from me!” Ted was nearly giddy at the thought. “Just radio me and let me know when you need to be picked up.”

The three succubi and Todd gathered around me, and I began to think about everything in the world that made me disgusted. For the first time in as long as I could remember, it was actually hard to do.

Things were going great right now. As the manager of the Velvet Lips Gentlemen’s Club, Sia had been making us money left and right. Of course, it was also getting quickly spent thanks to our demon-hunting endeavors and funding issues with our cult, but we’d just added two new members to our band of Merry Men. First, there was Gula, the beautiful redhead who was extremely powerful and could easily be considered a master chef.

Then there was Tristitia, or “Tris” as we called her. She was a tall, slender brunette who was the perfect embodiment of her name. As the Sister of Sloth, Tris had done little more than lie around on the couch watching TV, smoking weed and eating potato chips as she did so. Of course, whenever she was needed, Tris was just as loyal and brave as the rest of her sisters.

Currently, life was good for Jacob Ralston.

I tried to think about anything I possibly could to make myself disgusted or envious. The only thing I could muster was the fact that Azazel was still alive. Sure, he was trapped in Hell, but he was still alive and pulling the strings of his minions here on Earth. Meanwhile, Beelzebub had apparently entered the fray and was now trying to kill my friends and me.

That was definitely enough to make me disgusted.

I felt my body light up with emerald Hellfire, and then I quickly cast it over onto my friends. They lit up with the jade glimmer, and then the five of us were teleported through space and time. Even though I’d done it a million times, the sensation never got old.

I felt the squish of solid ground underneath my feet, followed by a cool breeze against my face. I opened up my eyes to see that the succubi, Todd, and I were all standing on the snowy shore of the lake, exactly where I’d told the pilot to put us down.

“We’re gonna need to do some mind wiping, aren’t we?” Libidine asked and then waved at the Cessna.

“Oh yeah,” I confirmed and waved along with the succubus. “There’s no explaining this one to a mortal.”

“Listen to you,” Ira sounded impressed. “You just called someone a ‘mortal.’ You’ve come so very far, my friend.”

“I won’t make it a habit,” I quipped back with a smile, even though her words made me think.

Ira was right. I had just referred to one of my fellow human beings as a “mortal,” just like how all the demons we’d met referred to me. Even though I was now endowed with near God-like abilities, I couldn’t let myself go on an ego trip. I needed to be careful and not let my growing powers and the attention of these six beautiful women go to my head.

There were still plenty more challenges on the horizon, and there were certainly many more demons to slay before we could completely be free.

“I can’t believe we don’t need coats or anything,” Todd mused as he picked up a handful of snow. “If I were still a human, my nuts would be turning from grapefruits to raisins right now, bro.”

“Aaand that’s another mental image I didn’t need to see,” Cupi gagged.

“Grapefruits?” Ira asked curiously. “I’ve never seen ones like that before. My dom half would absolutely love to put those into a vice!”

“It’s just an expression,” Todd promised. “Not into demon chicks, remember?”

Ira just shrugged. “I’m not into imps,” she added. “No offense. I’d much rather be with Jacob and his massive warhammer.”

“None taken.” Todd giggled and then tossed a snowball at the Sister of Wrath.

Unfortunately, Ira was much too quick for the imp. Before the harmless projectile could even get anywhere near her body, the brunette dissolved it with a small cast of her turquoise Hellfire.

“Careful, my friend,” Ira warned playfully. “Getting into a pissing contest with a dominatrix isn’t a wise move. In fact--”

Before she could finish, another snowball struck her in the back of the head.

“Got you, sister!” Libidine cackled and formed three more balls of snow with her telekinetic fire. The curvy succubus launched another flurry of snowballs at Ira, and Todd flung another chilly sphere of his own.

A sly grin spread up Ira’s face as she cast out a spell of pink Hellfire that engulfed her body. Right as the snowballs smacked into Ira’s glowing figure, Todd and Liby both were knocked back slightly as if they had been struck by an invisible fist as the impact of the snowballs were mirrored by Ira’s spell.

“You asked for it,” the Succubus of Wrath mused and then ducked down to scoop up a ball of snow.

Ira stood up, tossed her hand back, and then released. The second the snowball was in the air, it was incinerated by a small wave of Hellfire.

“I hate to be a spoilsport,” Cupi said as she blew out the remnants of red flame on her hand, “but we really need to focus on the mission at hand here. Maybe we can have an actual snowball war once Shax is out of the picture.”

As Cupiditas was giving her lecture, I reached out and summoned green Hellfire into my hands. I raised up a small pile of the powdery snow, manipulated it into a snowball, and launched it at the blonde from behind.

“It’d be a technicality, of course,” the Sister of Greed continued, “since you all know I’d win. I was one of the Divine’s--”

Cupi’s monologue was cut off mid-sentence by my snowball. The succubus turned around with rage in her eyes, ready to retaliate.

I gave her a coy wave and a smile, and her anger melted away instantly.

“It could do us some good if we’d all lighten up a little.” I chuckled. “I don’t think we’ve had any time to just sit back and relax since--”

“Santa Cruz, bro,” Todd interrupted. “That was like, two episodes of ‘Todd and Friends’ ago. I mean, we’ve had some downtime--”

“Todd and Friends?” Cupi asked as she rolled her eyes

“--but it feels like forever since taking over Azazel’s fan club and the Velvet Lips we’ve been just ‘go-go-go,’” my best friend continued.

“Todd and Friends?” the blonde asked again.

“Sure.” He shrugged. “If we had a TV show, that’s totally what it would be called. Annnyyyywaayyyyyy. As I was saying, the Toddster needs a little bit of time for some R and R from all the work he’s been doing. It’s like I always say: ‘All work and no play makes Todd a dull boy.’”

“You always say that?” I asked.

“Of course!” he laughed. “Jack Nicholson totally stole it from me.”

“You mean Stephen King,” I sighed.

“Same dude,” Todd said as he waved his hand. “We are getting off topic here. After we whack my favorite actor, we need to get some R&R. Ya feel me, babes?”

“Rest and relaxation does sound wonderful.” Liby sighed.

“What are you talking about?” The imp in disguise looked at Libidine curiously. “I’m talkin’ Reefer and Riding!”

“Why would you be riding…?” I asked coyly.

“No homo, bro,” Todd sighed. “Sheesh. I’d be the one getting ridden.”

“Oh,” I snickered, “glad you clarified that.”

“Haha,” the imp in disguise sneered. “Now can we go find Shaq? I may not be freezing my cajones off, but this place isn’t exactly what I’d call a dream vacation. Also, I’d love to get out of this human costume and back into my sexy imp bod, but I can’t do that until we’re out of sight of Teddy over there.”

“Alright,” I addressed my friends. “You heard the Toddster, let’s go find Shax!”

The group was silent for a moment until Liby finally raised her hand.

“Uh, how are we going to do that?” she asked. “His cabin could be anywhere.”

“I’m glad you asked.” I smiled at the succubus, swung the backpack I was wearing off my shoulders, and then stuck my hand inside. I fumbled around for a second or two until my hand touched the familiar leather-bound, crumbling cover of the Lesser Key of Solomon. I pulled the dusty old book out of the backpack and held it over my head triumphantly.

“I’ve been experimenting with this thing over the last few weeks,” I explained as I opened up the text. “Whoever owned this book before us left a fuckton of notes, especially in the parts about the Seventy-Two Servants.”

Todd walked over and looked over my shoulder. “Uh, Jakey?” he pondered. “I don’t see anything. That looks no different from the copy of the book I have back home, just a little bit rattier.”

“That’s where the magic comes in,” I explained.

I summoned emerald Hellfire into both of my hands and then let it spread all across the book. As I did so, the pages began to glow with a swirling vortex of Hellfire. A second later, tendrils from the black hole of magic spread across the text and illuminated it with a glow of green. Now, the text within the enchanted book read completely different than it would to the mortal eye.

“Holy shit, bro!” Todd whistled. “Whoever had this thing before you did must have been a badass sorcerer like you and me.”

“I don’t know about that,” I explained, “but they definitely knew their shit when it comes to demons. Check it out, there are some coordinates right underneath of Shax’s name. I’d bet my life savings that’s where we’re gonna find the fucker.”

“If we don’t find Shax, we’re not going to have anything.” Cupi sighed. “I’m not even sure we’ll be able to pay our pilot.”

“That’s why we’re not leaving until Shax is dead and sent back to Hell where he belongs.” I nodded.

“Yeesh, must be a Celtics fan,” Todd joked and nudged Ira playfully.

The Sister of Wrath was too busy tapping away at the GPS to respond to the imp’s words. There was a shrill beep with the press of each button, and then a long, grating sound that was almost like an old computer booting up.

“Aha!” Ira exclaimed. “The coordinates from the book are only about two miles away from here.”

“Then that’s where we’ll find Shax,” I confirmed. “Ira, lead us to newfound wealth and riches.”

Chapter 2

“Remember how I said it wasn’t that cold out here?” Todd asked through chattering teeth. “I was wrong, bro. Totally fucking wrong.”

Now that we’d walked a few thousand feet away from the lake, we were feeling some of the effects of the cold. The surrounding area was now a wide-open field of snowy, hilly terrain, and the frigid air wasn’t being filtered through the trees.

“You’re the one who didn’t want to wear a coat,” I reminded the imp as we pushed through the howling winds. “Just be glad we all have demonic powers, or else we would have frozen to death a looong time ago.”

“How does that work, anyway?” Todd shivered and rubbed his tiny hands on his shoulders. “Like, do I need to set myself on fire or some shit like that?”

“Of course not,” Libidine explained. “The Hellfire inside your body, the one that powers your abilities, should keep you warm enough to survive. Of course, it never hurts to have backup.”

The curvy succubus motioned to her own body which was covered by a heavy blue winter coat. Liby now had the fur-lined hood pulled up over her head, and she wore a pair of dark brown boots on her feet. The rest of the succubi and I were bundled up just as warmly with matching parkas and snow boots.

Then there was Todd. When he was in his human disguise, he made it look like he was wearing the same toasty outfit as the rest of us. In reality, the imp was as naked as a jaybird, just as he always was.

“I really wish Strawberry Shortcake was here with her healing powers.” Todd sighed. “I’d totally set myself on fire to keep warm, but I’m kinda worried I’m gonna singe off my schlong. Everyone knows that having an overcooked sausage is no bueno.”

“We’re almost there,” Ira said as she glanced down at the GPS. “The cabin should be just on the other side of this tiny mountain here.”

“Hang in there for just a little bit longer, bro,” I reassured the imp. “Before we know it, we’ll be back at our mansion with literal piles of riches at our disposal.”

“Bro,” Todd begged. “This is gonna sound really fucking weird, but can I borrow your glove? I dunno if I’m gonna make it over the mountain without some protection from the wind.”

“Sure thing,” I nodded and pulled off the gloves that covered my hand.

“No, no,” Todd shook his head. “I just need one.”

“Okay…” I confirmed as I handed the imp the glove from my left hand. Instantly, I summoned a small cast of red Hellfire onto my bare skin to protect it from the cold.

Todd grabbed the glove, turned around, and then fumbled around like he was affixing it to his hand. “There,” he mused. “Much better.”

The imp turned around, and I nearly doubled over in laughter. The glove was attached over his crotch.

“What?” he asked as the succubi and I giggled at the sight. “You gotta protect the family jewels.”

“It looks like you have a rooster crown.” I guffawed.

“A cock on my cock, eh?” Todd giggled.

Once we had recomposed ourselves from Todd’s antics, we continued over the snowy hills of the Yukon. The bitter wind nipped at our faces, but it was no match for our inner Hellfire. Rather than causing frostbite and hypothermia, the winter breeze felt no worse than a draft of cold air let in by opening a window.

This was one of those times I was thankful we lived in the Southwest. The worst thing we had there were forty-degree nights.

“There it is!” Cupi exclaimed as we came to the peak of the hill. “Shax’s hideout.”

Down below, at the foot of the snowy hill, sat a lone, two-story log cabin. The structure wasn’t as tiny as I thought it would be, nor was it as run-down as I had pictured. The siding of the building was a light brown, and the cabin was topped off with a pristine green roof. There was a balcony with a sliding glass door for each level of the cabin, each containing various patio furniture and what even looked like a grill. The building was topped off with a large chimney that billowed dark smoke up into the wintery sky.

“I’m not gonna lie,” I admitted. “When I heard Shax was living out in the middle of nowhere in a log cabin, I figured it was going to be a lot shittier than this.”

“This guy is a multimillionaire,” Cupi explained. “Even if he wants to stay secluded, there’s no reason he can’t do it in style.”

“This would be such an awesome place to throw a party, bro,” Todd pondered aloud.

“It’d be an even better place to come once all of this mess with Azazel is cleared up.” Libidine sighed. “Think about how great it would be to come out here… Just the nine of us, hanging out and enjoying each other’s company. Away from all the vices of modern life, and doing whatever the hell we want.”

“Nine of us?” I asked curiously.

“You, Todd, my six other sisters, and I,” Libidine continued. “Eventually, you’ll be the master of the entire Circle of Sin, Jacob.”

“Remember what I told you about calling me ‘master?’” I reminded the succubus. “Besides, we still have a long way to go before we can even think about rescuing Invidia. Right now, I just want to focus on building up our resources and getting as powerful as I possibly can.”

“You know what that meeeeeaaans,” Ira cooed. “Sister Tris and Sister Gula are going to get some first-hand experience with Jacob Jr. Although, it’s big enough that calling it ‘junior’ is probably the wrong term…”

“One thing at a time,” I tried to dispel the succubus’ words. “I just met them a few weeks ago. I doubt they’re gonna want to get with me so soon.”

“They’re already falling for you, Jacob,” Libidine added. “I’ve seen it in the way they look at you, and the way they act when they are around you.”

“Do you think Sister Gula made home-cooked meals for that fucker Earl every morning?” Cupi chimed in. “Definitely not.”

“And Tris might seem ‘lazy’ on the outside,” Liby continued, “but I can tell she’s trying to help out in any way she possibly can. In time, they will come to love you just as much as we do.”

“I dunno about that,” I mused. I had to stay humble after all, but I wasn’t so dense as to not see the looks our two newest succubi flashed me when they thought I wasn’t looking.

“You made me a believer,” Ira argued, “and you didn’t even have to break out the whips and chains. That’s a true accomplishment!”

“Guys,” Todd interrupted, “I’m glad you all found love and all that shit, but I’m seriously gonna be sick if you don’t dial it down a notch.”

“Fine.” Ira stuck out her tongue at the imp. “I’ll tone it down just for you, Todd.”

“Thanks, Crazy Eyes.” The imp nodded. “I think I’ve just got more butterflies in my stomach than usual. You know, since I’m meeting my childhood idol and all that.”

“For the last time,” I explained, “we’re not here to kill--”

“Shax!” Cupi hissed and motioned to get down.

The five of us instantly fell into a prone position, our bellies pressed tightly against the cold snow.

Down below, I could see a figure moving about on the deck of the cabin. The demon appeared as a huge human, with a bald head and a body that was nearly double as wide as he was tall. Shax was carrying a trash bag in his hands as he made his way toward a small metal barrel in the yard. Once he arrived at the container, he tossed the trash in, summoned red Hellfire into his hand, and then blasted it down into the metal cylinder. Then, the demon wiped his hands, turned around, and made his way back into the cabin.

“Jakey?” Todd whispered from beside me. “I’m starting to think this guy isn’t Shaq after all. I know he’s getting up there in age, but there’s no way he’d let himself go this bad.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.” I rolled my eyes and looked over at the succubi. “So, what’s the best way to go about this? Should we pretend to be some sort of government representatives?”

“We’re in Canada,” Ira reminded me. “I don’t know about you, but I know nothing of their government or its ways.”

“Yeah,” Todd added. “It’s kinda scary being in a foreign country. What if we really get lost and none of us know how to ask for directions? I don’t speak Canadian!”

I completely ignored the imp’s words. “What if we pretended to be lost hikers?” I asked my friends.

“That might work if there were one or two of us,” Cupi sighed, “but five? And we’re all wearing brand new clothes. I don’t think he’d buy it.”

“We could just go in guns blazing,” Ira suggested. “Just kick in his door, string him up by his balls, and then beat him like a naughty kitten until he’s raw and tells us where the treasure is.”

“What if Jakey nukes him from orbit with his God Cannon?” Todd threw his opinion into the mix. “That was pretty fucking badass, and it’d save us a ton of work.”

“That’d destroy the treasure along with the demon.” I shook my head. “As much as I want to bust out the God Cannon again, it should be reserved for special situations. Great power and great responsibility, you know?”

“Oh no,” Todd gasped. “Why’d you have to go and say that, Jakey? Now you’re gonna get shot by some burglar and die in my arms while you lecture me about being a hero. Don’t worry, bro. I promise to use my powers for good.”

“Good to hear.” I chuckled and then turned my attention back to the cabin. “What kind of a demon are we dealing with here, Cupi? Tackling him head-on may be our best option.”

“As you can see,” the blonde pointed out, “Shax isn’t exactly agile. However, he’s notorious for having thick skin and powerful environmental magic. Rumor has it, one blow from his infamous ‘ice axe’ is enough to break every bone in your body.”

“So he’s basically a human, er, demon tank,” I pondered. “Do you think our magic is enough to take him down?”

“Surely,” the blonde continued. “We’ve made many connections since we’ve been together, and our powers grow stronger with each one.”

“If fucking makes Jakey powerful, then he should be a god by now,” Todd mused. “You guys make rabbits look like Puritans.”

“Exactly,” Cupi agreed with glee. “Killing Shax with our magic shouldn’t be an issue, but we have to keep him at a distance. If he gets his hands on us, that’s it.”

“Pop goes the demon,” Todd added for dramatic effect. “Got it. I’ll keep the dude at schlong’s length.”

“Great,” I said with a chuckle. “So we’re all in agreement? We get Shax out here in the open, take him out from a distance, and then go steal all his shit?”

I looked around at all my friends, who were nodding in agreement.

“Then all we need to do is get his attention,” I commanded and then pointed at the flaming barrel of trash. “Liby, would you like to do the honors?”

“It’d be my pleasure.” The curvy succubus grinned.

Liby outstretched her hand toward the makeshift fire pit and then surrounded it with emerald flames. The barrel lifted up into the air as if it were suspended on an invisible wire and floated into the brisk Yukon sky. Libidine pulled her arm back like she was an all-star pitcher and then thrust her enchanted hand forward.

The flaming barrel followed her motions and hurled toward the cabin door and then crashed into the front of the building with a loud splintering of wood. As it struck Shax’s dwelling, pieces of flaming garbage were flung all across his front porch as if it were some sort of trashy party popper.

The demon instantly flung open the door and dashed out onto the deck. He ran around, stomping out the burning pieces of trash in a panic.

Now we had the fucker.

“Let him have it!” I called out to my friends.

I summoned red Hellfire into my hands and unleashed a massive fireball at the asshole. At the same time, a handful of Liby’s enchanted spears zipped past my head, accompanied by Ira’s acid flame and fireballs from Todd and Cupi.

Shax was stomping out the last tiny fire when he looked up and saw the projectiles hurling his way. He tried to duck out of the way of the incoming attacks, but his massive bulk made it impossible. The hailstorm of spells struck him directly in the chest, and the impact flung him back into the outer part of the cabin. The outer side of the wall cracked from the impact of Shax’s bulk, and there was the sound of crinkling glass as the windows of the cabin shattered out of their frames. The demon fell forward on all fours, shook his head, and then stood up and brushed a few of Liby’s spears off his body.

Even though the massive demon had just been lit up like one of Todd’s doobies, our spells hadn’t done jack shit to Shax.

“Who dares disturb the mighty Shax in his own domain?” the demon’s voice bellowed across the frozen tundra. “Whoever you are, you shall pay with your meddling with your lives!”

“Hmmm,” Todd pondered. “He does have the acting range of Shaq…”

“Hit him again!” I commanded.

All five of us unleashed our assault once more. This time, Shax was prepared.

The massive demon summoned silver Hellfire into his hands and then cast it out onto the snowy landscape. Instantly, a small hill rose up from the ground and absorbed the brunt of our attack. The snow-covered mound then shot forward like a wave of earth rolling directly at our position.

“Incoming!” Ira growled.

I tossed up a quick barrier of purple Hellfire, and the hill imploded into a spray of powder when it crashed into the wall. At the same time, I used my green flames to pick up the metal trash barrel that laid on the front deck. Then I jerked my hand inward, and the large projectile hurled at the demon.

Shax roared with rage as he turned his massive body and caught the barrel in his bare hands. Not halting his momentum, he spun around and launched the trash bin into the sky.

“Shit!” I cast a portal of telekinetic fire in the path of the metal drum and sent it right back at the demon bastard. The barrel reappeared above his head and then crashed down on top of his balding dome, open-end first. Shax fumbled at the metal trash bin on his head, and he nearly tripped over his own bulk as he did so. It almost looked like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon.

“Again!” I commanded, and we all blasted our target once more.

Still blinded by the barrel, Shax could do nothing to protect himself. The attacks struck the bastard all over his body and sent him tumbling across the deck of the cabin. His fat frame bounced around the deck comically until it finally crashed through the railings on the far side of the porch and landed in the powdery snow.

Shax pulled himself to his feet, seemingly no worse for wear, and let out a primal scream.

“This guy really can take a beating, huh?” I asked rhetorically.

The demon began to lumber toward our position, with each step echoing through the valley like the sound of a charging elephant.

“Alright, guys,” I quickly addressed my friends. “Split up and use his momentum against him. That’s the only way we’re gonna pierce that thick skin of his.”

Cupi and Ira ran off to the left while Liby and I began to move to the right. Meanwhile, Todd stayed right where he was.

While we were running, I heard the distinct sizzle of fireballs behind me, immediately followed by Todd’s signature cackle. Libidine and I pushed through the snow for about one hundred feet, tossing blasts of magic at the fucker as we ran. When we finally came to a stop, I looked over at Shax.

Shax was still charging, and he was now moving much faster than any fat guy I’d ever seen before, but our attacks were still bouncing harmlessly off his body, and he looked like he was going to close the gap with Todd in no time.

“Give me some ground spikes, Lib,” I called over to the succubus.

Liby summoned the yellow Hellfire of hatred into her hands, clapped them together, and unleashed a flurry of glowing spears. They flew across the frozen tundra and smashed into a small snowbank right in Shax’s path.

Without much thought, I cast out a tiny wall of purple flames a few feet in front of the lumbering demon. The wall was only three feet tall, and I knew that it wouldn’t stop the charging beast. Unfortunately for Shax, that wasn’t my intention.

The demon’s eyes widened, and he stuck his feet out in front of his bulk to try to stop his momentum. Shax was already moving too fast, and his legs did little but trip him up and cause him to stumble over himself. He stumbled forward, hit the protruding wall, and then fell face-first into Libidine’s spears.

Shax’s roar of pain reverberated across the valley like a miniature earthquake. The demon continued to howl as he slowly pulled himself back to his feet. Several yellow spears were wedged into his body, and each one was accompanied by a small stream of blackish-red demon blood at its base. He may have looked like a human pincushion, but he was still very much alive.

“Enough!” Shax bellowed. “Only one mortal would be foolish to come all the way out here and challenge me with his pathetic little imp and his worthless succubi. Jacob Ralston, you’ll pay for your intrusion onto my property. Thus declares Shax!”

From across the way, Todd made an obnoxious snoring sound. “Jesus, bro. Did you rehearse that speech specifically for when we got here? If you did, yikes. You make the real Shaq look like an Oscar winner.”

Shax growled and summoned silver Hellfire into both of his palms. He pointed at the snow, lifted his hands upward, and a cluster of razor-sharp icicles popped out of the ground. Then the demon laughed and then flung a few of the deadly icicles at all three of our groups.

I threw up a wall of purple, and the icy projectiles smashed into pieces against my flame. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Todd zip out of the way of the attack, and Ira dissolved the assault on her position with a gout of turquoise acid.

“Icicles?” Todd heckled. “What, are we back on the elementary playground, bro?”

“Shut up, you bothersome imp!” Shax growled. “Let’s see how humorous you find this.”

The silver flames in his hands burst with redoubled intensity and then he began to charge once again. As he ran, he shoved his hand down into the snow and produced a massive axe that looked like it was made completely out of ice.

The succubi and I tried to flank the massive target with another round of spells, but the demon just knocked them away with a swing of his newfound weapon.

Todd waved his hand back and forth in front of his face and then turned invisible. “You can’t see me, bitch!” he cackled.

“Yes, he can, Todd!” Cupi called out from across the way. “Shax is the finder of all things hidden!”

“Wha--” Todd began, but then he let out a shriek as Shax’s axe came down where he was standing.

“Todd!” I screamed as my heart dropped into my stomach.

My fear was temporarily calmed when Shax continued to swing his axe furiously around in front of him. The demon was trying to catch the tiny, invisible imp with his deadly weapon, but the Toddster must have been too fast for the fat asshole. While Shax was leaving himself wide open for an attack, none of us could see Todd, and the last thing we wanted to do was to hurt him in the crossfire.

“Wait,” I said as I grabbed Libidine’s arm to get her attention. “Didn’t Cupi say that asshole’s axe could kill almost anything with a single blow?”

Liby nodded. “Shax’s pure strength makes him one of the deadliest of the Seventy-Two Servants at close range.”

“Then it’s time to use his own power against him,” I growled. “None of our attacks are doing any damage, but--”

“We could make him attack himself!” Liby finished with an excited gleam in her eyes.

“He’s a big guy,” I mused. “I’m gonna need your help on this one.”

I summoned green Hellfire into my right hand and then held it out to the succubus. Libidine called forth her own emerald flames and then clapped her hand down on mine. The second our hands touched, the jade Hellfire spread across both of our bodies in unison and combined into a swirling inferno.

“We have to time this just right,” I warned. “Wait for his next swing… Now!”

Liby and I threw out our hands in unison, and a beam of dark green fire shot across the barren landscape. It struck the crystalline axe of the demon and engulfed it in the radiant flame. Then we both made a downward motion, still in perfect harmony.

Shax tried to halt the momentum of the massive axe, but our combined telekinetic might was too much for him. The weapon continued its swing, but instead of cleaving Todd in two, the blade twisted inward and lopped off the fucker’s left foot. Blackish-red blood splattered across the snow as Shax fell over onto his side and relinquished control of the axe.

Now that it was fully in our grasp, I realized just how fucking heavy this thing was and how strong Shax was. Even with Liby and I combining our magic together, we were both straining to keep it in the air. I nodded to the succubus, and then we grimaced as we moved our hands upward.

Shax must have seen what we were doing because he quickly tossed out another flurry of icicles in our direction.

Fuck.

Liby and I were currently using every ounce of strength in our bodies to hold up this mammoth battle axe and releasing the telekinetic spell from even one hand would have lost our control over the weapon.

We were sitting ducks.

Suddenly, there was a flash of red Hellfire, and the icicles evaporated into smoke in the air.

“You can thank me later, Jakey,” Todd mused as he reappeared beside me and blew the smoke off his hand. “Now, go all turkey day on this cock-knocker.”

Liby and I made a downward motion with our enchanted hands, and the axe came down on top of Shax. The demon tried to catch the incoming weapon, but it was far too late. The axe sliced through Shax’s arm like butter and then proceeded to lop his head off his shoulders with a meaty pop. Blood spurted out of the demon’s neck like a gore-filled volcano and turned the surrounding snow into a slushy of blood and snow. Shax’s body flailed around like a chicken with its head cut off and then went limp.

Liby and I released our hold on the axe, and it stuck into the ground beside the fallen demon.

“You’re really strong,” Liby flirted through strained panting. “We’re going to have to incorporate that telekinesis into our love-making somehow. If you can pick up that massive axe without much help, surely you can lift me into the air with your powers and then lower me down onto your massive co--”

“I’m gonna stop you there, Lib,” Todd interrupted. “We’ve already ruined this beautiful scenery with Kazaam’s insides. Let’s not soil it even more with the Toddster’s breakfast, capiche?”

“Capiche,” I said with a grin to the imp.

I looked across the way, toward Cupi and Ira, and then caught their attention with a wave of my arms above my head. Then, I pointed in the direction of the cabin, and the succubi began to saunter over. Liby, Todd, and I made our way through the snow and met our friends at the entrance of the building.

“That wasn’t as intense as I thought it was going to be.” Ira sighed. “I was really hoping I was gonna get beat around, even if it was just a few cuts and bruises.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Todd exclaimed. “He nearly caught me with his axe, like, five times. Thankfully, my spider-monkey-like agility and uber-swole muscles were enough for me to get the jump on him and slice off his foot with his own weapon.”

“Uh, wasn’t that Jacob and L--” Cupi started.

“I know,” Todd continued. “Jacob and Lib helped. I couldn’t have saved the day without ‘em.”

I rolled my eyes but wasn’t going to even try to correct the imp. “Sure thing, bro,” I said as I approached the door. “Now, let’s see what kind of rewards we get for slaying this dragon.”

The knob of the door was frigid, even through my gloves. I gave it a quick turn, pushed on the door, and then there was a loud creak as the entrance swung open.

“Holy shit,” I muttered aloud.

Our eyes were instantly met with the sight of piles upon piles of shimmering gems, jewels, and precious metals. The entire entryway of the house was packed to the brim with loot, with only a pathway just large enough for Shax to walk around on.

“Jesus,” Todd whistled. “It’s like a special rich-person episode of Hoarders in here. Is that a fucking Picasso I see over there?”

The painting was buried in the heap of treasure, too far away for me to see,  but I was sure the imp was right. Shax seemed to have everything in here.

Ira held up a small handful of diamonds. “These things are worth at least ten thousand dollars all by themselves,” she said in disbelief. “And they were just laying on the end table! What the Hell else is in this place?”

Ira took off down the makeshift pathway, with Liby and Todd directly on her heels.

“This is a lot of stuff,” I whistled and put my hand around Cupiditas. “You did good, Cupi.”

“What, me?” The blonde giggled. “If I recall correctly, you and Liby were the ones who killed Shax. With help from Todd, of course.”

“Yeah, but it was your idea to come after Shax in the first place,” I argued. “Now, look at us. We’re millionaires!”

“Hopefully,” she said coyly. “For all we know, this stuff could all be junk.”

“Brrrroooo!” Todd called out from the other room. “He’s got a mint condition copy of Gamma Attack for the Atari in here! It’s still in the box and everything. That’s a crisp twenty-thousand dollar bill right there. And is that-- Oh my God!”

Todd dashed back into the room holding a square, white piece of cardboard in his hand. “Do you know what this is, bro?” he asked excitedly. “This is the White Album. On vinyl. I saw one of these go for hundreds of thousands of dollars on the Internet recently. We’re fucking rich!”

“See?” I gave Cupi a playful bump on the shoulder. “We’re rich.”

“How are we going to carry all this stuff back to the mansion?” the blonde asked curiously. “Ted’s plane was barely large enough to fit the five of us.”

“We don’t have to get it all in one trip,” I admitted. “Now that we know where this place is and the threat is eliminated, we can come and go whenever we please. We’ve got the GPS coordinates, and now we’ve got plenty of money to charter Mr. Rubble’s plane again. When we get back, I’ll have some of the cultists come out here and clear the place out.”

I released my hold on the blonde, flipped my backpack off my shoulders, and then reached down into it. I pulled out a couple of collapsible duffel bags and tossed them onto the bare spot on the floor.

“In the meantime, grab a bag,” I said, grinning ear from ear. “We’re gonna take as much of this treasure back with us as we possibly can.”

Chapter 3

“You have no idea how good it feels to be home.” I sighed as I pulled our black Jeep, Shadow, into the driveway. “Even though we were just in Canada, it feels like we’ve been gone forever.”

“The long-ass drive didn’t help, bro,” Todd added from the passenger seat. “I literally got bored of sleeping. Sleeping, Jakey!”

“Well, I had a lot of fun,” Libidine piped up. “I’m always happy to go on road trips with the love of my life and my best friends! I could never be bored when I’m with you guys.”

“Aww,” Ira cooed as she slipped out of the vehicle. “I enjoyed your company too, Libidine.”

“Maybe it was just the shit I was smoking.” Todd shrugged. “It’s a new strain Slothy and I developed. We call it ‘The Clockstopper,’ because time nearly slows down when you smoke it.”

“Is that FDA approved?” I asked as I opened the door and stepped out into the driveway. “Or are you just putting whatever chemicals you can find into your body?”

“Bro,” Todd shook his head disapprovingly, “you of all people should know that I’m not gonna let The Man tell me what I can and can’t put in my body. You know the saying, right? ‘If it gives you a high, there’s no reason to ask why.’”

“Nobody says that,” I told the imp and walked back to the hatch of the Jeep. “But hey, if you want to grow a third arm--”

“Fourth,” Todd corrected. “My massive imp schlong counts as numero tres.”

“Still, isn’t it a little unwise to be admitting to testing unregulated, illegal drugs in front of the future Representative from Arizona?” I asked coyly and motioned to Ira.

“You’re too kind, Jacob.” Ira giggled and pressed her hand to her chest. “I haven’t won the election quite yet.”

I opened up the back of Shadow and removed two of the bags filled with Shax’s loot. The succubi and Todd waltzed over and grabbed their share of the treasure-filled bags.

“Maybe, Sister,” Liby admitted as she put her hand on Ira’s shoulder, “but the latest polls seem to say it’s little but a formality at this point.”

“There’s still one debate left,” Ira corrected. “If I bomb on that stage, it might swing the election for my opponent. Of course, I won’t bomb. Mainly because Bill Hoggins is a little bitch.”

“Have I ever told you I like this one, Jakey?” Todd pointed to Ira excitedly.

“Exactly,” Cupi added as we all headed toward the door. “You’re going to destroy Hoggins with your words just like you destroyed Furcas with your morning star.”

“I wouldn’t go that far…” Ira said humbly.

“Of course you will, Sister.” Libidine grinned and wrapped her arm around Ira’s shoulder. “If what you’ve told me about Bill Hoggins is true, then your dom half will rip him to shreds. Doesn’t that sound lovely?”

“It actually kinda does,” the Sister of Wrath pondered. “Actually, I’m getting kinda turned on just thinking about it.”

We entered the house and were instantly greeted by some sort of delicious aroma. It was a somewhat smokey smell mixed in with the succulent fragrance of seared meat and cooking grains.

My stomach began to growl the second the scent hit my nostrils, and I realized just how hungry I had been. Thanks to our recent lack of funds, the entire trip to Canada and back had been subsidized by a cooler full of cold meat sandwiches and potato chips. Sure, it was enough to keep us from starving, but it was far from a satisfying dining experience. I looked down at the bag over my shoulder and thanked my lucky stars that we weren’t going to have to worry about that again for a while.

We walked into the main living area of our mansion and saw the remaining succubi, all in their element.

Gula, the Sister of Gluttony, was over in the kitchen portion of the dwelling. Her red hair bounced playfully atop her head as she moved back and forth between the different pans to dash on spices and flip the food as she went.

Meanwhile, Tristitia and Superbia were sitting on the couch chatting happily. Tris had a fancy cigarette holder in her right hand which itself had a rather large blunt at its end. When they saw us enter, they both grew silent, and a wide grin spread up their faces.

“You made it!” Sia exclaimed. “It’d been far too long since we’d officially heard from you, and I was starting to worry.”

“I tried to tell her it was cool.” Tris shrugged and then took a puff from the blunt. “Namaste and all that shit. I knew you’d come back.”

“I was aware they were coming back, as well,” Sia shot back to the stoner succubus. “I was just concerned that they wouldn’t come home in one piece. Shax is quite the warrior.”

“He really wasn’t,” I admitted, “but I am glad to be home. I missed all of you.”

Sia popped up from the couch, and I walked over and gave her a long, warm embrace. The tiny redhead’s hair nestled against my chin, so I kissed her adoringly on the top of her head. Superbia smelled as sweet as a bundle of fresh-cut roses, and I could have stayed lost in her crimson nest for hours.

The madame finally pulled back and looked up at me with her large, purple eyes. “I don’t think anyone could possibly have missed you as much as I have, Jacob,” she purred.

The succubus then went around and gave a loving hug to each of her sisters and a gentle pat on our imp’s head. Todd responded by jumping onto Sia’s leg and clinging on for dear life.

“I missed you too, Strawberry Shortcake,” he said happily.

“I’d get up and give you a hug,” Tris confessed and motioned with the joint, “but that would require body-eye coordination, and I’m not sure I can even walk with this strain in my lungs.”

“Understandable.” I chuckled. “I appreciate the thought, anyway.”

A tiny blur of red swished past my eye as Todd dashed over to Tristita, stopped in front of her, and then jumped up and down with excitement.

“So it works?” the imp asked. “‘The ‘Good Fuck’ is a go?”

“The good fuck?” Libidine asked with confusion in her voice.

Todd stuck up a finger to explain, but Ira quickly interjected. “I’ll explain this one,” she promised the imp. “Have you ever had one of those fucks that’s just so good that you can barely walk afterword?”

Libidine ran her hand over her chin as she thought, and then she grinned at her sister. “You know me,” she cooed. “I can take just about anything.”

“Really?” Ira gasped. “Every time I get Jacob’s warhammer up in my guts, it feels like I’ve been stretched out by a freaking horse cock, and I’m hobbling around for hours.”

“I’m not as rough with the others as I am with you,” I explained. “For obvious reasons.”

Ira looked completely confused. “What reasons?” she said as she racked her brain.

“Sister of Wrath?” I hinted.

“Oooohhhh,” Ira squeaked. “Well then, that makes me all the more special. Anyway, sister, Todd and Tris are calling it that because the weed is so good, it makes you unable to walk. Just like a good fuck.”

“Nope,” Todd gagged. “Tris, we’re throwing out this strain and starting from scratch! I’m never gonna be able to get that association out of my head now.”

“But, Todd--” the brunette succubus started.

“No ‘buts!’” the imp cut her off. “I’m tryin’ to run a business here, and the Toddster demands that his product isn’t soiled by the thoughts of my bestie’s manhood.”

“Well, shit…” Tris mused. “There goes the idea for my next strain.”

“You were gonna name a strain of our precious weed after Jakey’s cock?” Todd said, mouth agape.

“Not exactly.” The succubus shrugged. “It was inspired by what my sisters have told me sex with Jacob is like. It was gonna be this massive, thick bud with just a teensy bit of an energetic buzz to it. The name would have been ‘Pulsing Head.’”

“Hmmmm.” Todd’s tiny, clawed hand rubbed at his non-existent goatee. “I hate the association, but I think there might be a market for that one. I’m giving you the full go-ahead on mass-producing that strain, just as long as you don’t keep reminding me what it actually stands for.”

Tris nodded approvingly and took another puff of her joint. “Aye-yay, boss,” she acknowledged.

“I’m quite impressed, Todd,” Sia mused. “I didn’t know you had such a knack for management.”

The imp gave the madame a stony glare and smiled. “When it comes to weed, just call me Tony Montana,” he explained.

“Uh… Doesn’t Tony Montana end up dead at the end of that movie?” I reminded my friend.

“Yep.” Todd made a massive sweeping gesture with his hands. “After he created his own multi-million dollar empire. Now that we’ve got all these goodies from Shax, we can start our own dispensary out in Nevada, and we can let the empire building begin. A Todd and Tris’ on every corner! We can call it ‘TT’s’ for short.”

“Don’t call it ‘TT’s,’” I said through a facepalm. “Or maybe do. I guess it all depends on who you’re trying to attract.”

Todd’s eyes widened happily. “Everyone, bro,” he plotted. “We want the hippies, the hipsters, the stoners, the junkies, the young, the old, and even the near-dead!”

“Easy there, Todd,” Cupi interrupted. “We haven’t even gotten any of this stuff appraised yet. We know it’s worth a lot, but it could be anywhere from one million to a few million to even a billion. Though I highly doubt there’s a billion dollars’ worth of stuff in that cabin.”

Todd crossed his arms and scowled at the blonde’s words. “A man can dream.” He shrugged.

“Aaaanddd voila!” Gula’s perky voice exclaimed from the kitchen section of the mansion. “Dinner is almost ready if you guys wanna start heading toward the dining room.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” I answered and motioned for all my friends to follow me.

The dining room of Robert Quinn’s old mansion was a part of the house we almost never used. Normally, we just ate all our meals at the marble-topped breakfast bar in the kitchen, or if we were feeling particularly lazy, we would just chill out and dine on the couch and chairs.

As we walked into the dining area, it almost felt like we were explorers checking out an uncharted part of an old building. Despite it being a part of the house we’d lived in for almost a year, I recognized nothing in this room. There was a massive, black rectangular table at the center, surrounded by cream-colored upholstered chairs. The walls were painted with a dark yellowish color that almost looked brown, and a massive chandelier hung from the stucco ceiling. To counterbalance the light in the center of the room, there were four tall lamps in each corner that radiated a soft glow.

“Damn,” I muttered. “We should use this room more often. It’s actually really fucking nice.”

“We’ve never needed it,” Libidine explained. “At first, it was just the five of us and occasionally Jane and Oliver. Now, we’ve got eight people who call this their permanent home!”

“And you couldn’t possibly comprehend how thankful we are for that, Jacob,” Sia added with a smile. The redhead walked over to the seat at the far end of the table, pulled it out, and motioned for me to sit down. “You deserve to be at the head of the table. For all of your generosity.”

I waved my hand at the succubus. “Aw, come on,” I said humbly. “I’m sure all of you would do the same for me if the situations were reversed.”

I sat down in the cream-colored chair and tried my best to get comfortable. It was definitely one of those pieces of furniture that were more for show as the fabric was rough and dug into my back like a burlap sack.

“The second we collect the money for that loot, remind me to buy new chairs,” I said sarcastically. “Wait a minute, where’s Tris?”

“She’s coming, bro,” Todd explained from all the way across the table. “‘Good Fuck’ is no joke. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had to drag herself in here. Oh, wait, there she is.”

Just as the words escaped Todd’s mouth, Tris came fluttering in on her tiny, bat-like wings. The brunette hovered over to an empty seat at the table, and then slowly lowered herself down onto the chair.

“Whew,” she panted. “My legs might not be functioning, but my wings are as good as new.”

“Huh,” Todd mused, pulled out a small notepad and pen, and then began to scribble as he muttered to himself. “Doesn’t have any effect on paranormal appendages.”

Just then, Gula burst through the entryway, carrying two massive silver platters in her hands. “Dinner is served!” The Sister of Gluttony grinned as she sat the platters down in the center of the table. “I hope you brought your appetites.”

“Listen, Short Stuff,” Todd said coyly. “If you have to ask that question, you don’t know the Toddster very well. I could honestly eat Shax right now if that were an option.”

“Phrasing, bro,” I reminded the imp.

“It’s a unit of measurement, Jakey,” he shot back. “Sheesh.”

“What country uses that system?” I pushed jokingly.

“The People’s Republic of Todd, that’s who,” he said dreamily as he spread his arms wide. “It’s a beautiful land of the free that I’m gonna create once my weed empire has blossomed. No government, no currency system, and, most importantly, all the weed, alcohol, and hot babes that you can possibly want!”

“I’ll be sure to come and visit someday,” I humored the imp. “Just make sure you don’t forget about all of us when you get rich and famous.”

“I could never forget my best buds, bro,” Todd reassured. “You’ll all be ambassadors with your own private mansions when the PRT is established.”

“If you don’t have a system of commerce,” Sia asked with a raised eyebrow, “how will you get people to build the mansions?”

“Free weed, Strawberry Shortcake,” Todd explained as he leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head. “That’s the best motivator of all.”

Sia obviously knew better. Her business knowledge was as breath-taking as she was. “But,” she implored, “if there’s free weed all the time, why would anyone work in exchange for more?”

“It’d be the good stuff,” the imp continued. “The highest grade shit I can come up with.”

“I understand that part,” the madame continued. “But if you held back the best strains and then used that to motivate people to work for you, does that not make it a form of currency?”

“Nope.” Todd shook his head. “It’s just exchanging a highly sought-after product for people’s goods and services. Totally different.”

“That’s quite literally capitalism,” Sia pointed out astutely.

“N--no…” Todd began, and then his face contorted into a frown and his eyes grew wide. “What have I become? Jakey, why didn’t you tell me this whole ‘empire business’ was turning me into a monster?”

“I didn’t notice.” I stifled a laugh and winked at Gula.

The curvy redhead giggled and then raised up the lids of the platters. When I saw what was underneath, it felt like my mouth was hit with a tidal wave.

The first platter contained several pieces of smoked salmon, with perfectly red flesh and several singe marks from the cooking process. Underneath platter number two was a massive bowl of rice pilaf, topped with a few pieces of fresh bay leaves and half a lemon.

Gula picked up a lemon, squeezed it delicately over the bed of rice, and then placed it off to the side. The succubus sat down in one of the empty seats, picked up her utensils, and licked her lips happily.

“Dig in, guys!” she ordered. “I know it’s not much, but I did my best.”

“Gula,” I drooled, “this looks like the best meal we’ve had in months.”

We passed the platters around the table, and each took a piece of salmon as well as a couple large scoops of rice. The salmon that I’d grabbed was one of the plumper pieces, and the juices oozed out of it as I dragged my knife across its flesh. I popped the fatty fish into my mouth, and instantly my taste buds were assaulted by a smokey, subtle fishy flavor. To top it all off, the skin on the underside of the morsel delivered a satisfying crunch when I bit down into it. I allowed the delicious flavors to wade around in my mouth for a moment or two, and then I swallowed the spectacular food down my throat.

“Gula, this is incredible!” I exclaimed.

“Incredible?” Ira added. “This is the best fucking salmon I’ve ever had, and us politicians eat a lot of fish.”

A snicker from Todd told me that he took that in the worst possible way.

“I’m not joking,” Ira continued. “You could easily be a chef, Gula.”

“Stop.” The short redhead giggled shyly. “You’re gonna make me blush.”

“This is quite good,” Sia confirmed. “Where did you learn to cook like this, Gula? It’s not as if we had cooking classes in Hell.”

“Of course not,” Gula shrugged, “but we did have a singular food source that tasted like shit if it wasn’t cooked properly. I know nearly six-hundred different ways to cook a vargrat, and I’ve just been applying that knowledge here on Earth Realm. To much better food, of course.”

Todd let out a massive belch. “You can say that again,” he said as he picked at his teeth with the claw on his index finger. “That shit was delicious.”

“Did you try the rice?” Gula asked the imp hopefully. “This is the first time I’ve ever made a grain-based food here on Earth Realm. Normally I just have to work with ground-up bones and the internal organs for the side dishes.”

“You make rice pilaf with bones and organs?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, that’s not what we call it,” she shrugged, “but it’s the same concept. Base ingredient, cooked in stock and spices. It’s practically the same thing.”

I picked up a spoonful of rice and placed it into my eagerly awaiting mouth. It was the perfect texture, and on top of that, it was about as flavorful as you could ask for with just a bit of tang from the lemon juice and a hint of sage.

Plain white rice this was certainly not.

“My God,” I mused. “Even your ‘plain’ dishes are fucking amazing.”

“Gula,” Cupi basically moaned through a mouthful of food, “you need to have your own cooking show or a recipe book or a food blog or something. You’re a natural at this.”

“Stoooop,” Gula said as she looked down at the ground bashfully. “You’re too kind, really.”

The eight of us spent the next few minutes practically inhaling the incredible food that Gula had put before us. When it was all said and done, both platters were nothing more than a few grains of rice and some juices from the salmon.

“You need to cook for us more often, Short Stuff,” Todd begged as he patted his swollen belly.

“Agreed,” Tris concurred, even though it sounded like she could barely speak. “There’s nothing better than having a delicious pile of home-cooked food when you’re in the middle of a baked-out haze.”

“Well… there is In-N-Out,” Todd argued. “It’s really hard to beat that shit when you’re as stoned as Medusa’s victims.”

“I’ve never been.” Tris sighed. “Also, how do you know of Medusa?”

Todd gasped and jumped up onto his seat. “Jakey, can I borrow the car?” the imp begged. “I need to give Tris the In-N-Out experience, like, yesterday.”

“Of course you can.” I rolled my eyes and pointed toward the living room. “The keys are in that bowl on the counter. Just make sure you bring her back in one piece.”

“You’re the best, bro,” Todd exclaimed. “Come on, Slothy. If we hurry, maybe their ice cream machine won’t be ‘broken.’”

With that, Todd disappeared through the threshold of the door, and Tris was not floating far behind him.

“What’s ‘In-N-Out?’” Sia asked. “Is it a rival strip club?”

“It’s a burger joint.” I guffawed at the redhead’s words. “Todd’s become addicted since we moved to Arizona. Speaking of strip clubs… How are things at the Velvet Lips?”

Sia took a sip of her glass of water, sat it down, and then pursed her lips. “It’s much better than it was under Zepar’s ownership,” she sighed, “but it could still be much better. Unfortunately, there is a ceiling on how profitable a gentlemen’s club can become, even if it’s one of the more popular ones.”

“That’s a shame,” Libidine pouted. “Is there something you’d rather be doing, sister?”

“Oh, no,” Sia continued. “Don’t misunderstand my words, Libidine. I enjoy being the manager, and I love working with the girls. It’s just that… I’ve gotten too comfortable in my role, and I’d like to take on another challenge. That’s all.”

I rubbed my hands on my chin as I pondered the madame’s words. Then it hit me. Ose’s shop. A devilish grin slid up my face.

“You want a challenge?” I asked the petite redhead. “I’ve got a challenge for you. Remember Ose?”

“The member of the Seventy-Two Servants that you killed?” Sia asked curiously. “What could I possibly be doing with him?”

“He had his own business,” Ira interjected. “A pretty shitty one, if you ask me.”

“It was one of those ‘New Age’ shops,” I explained. “It’s just been sitting there empty since his death.”

Sia perked up at my words. “And you wish for me to take it over?” she practically begged as she batted her large eyes at me.

“Maybe,” I played it coy. “If you can figure out how to get it in our name, it’s all yours. Of course, making a New Age shop profitable is a tall order--”

“I’ll do it!” Sia exclaimed in a rare moment of raw emotion. “I’m already picturing the business plan in my mind…”

“Now,” I warned, “we still need you to keep up the Velvet Lips, of course.”

“Of course.” Sia nodded. “I could never abandon my girls, especially Meghan Miracle. She’s quite the firecracker, as you may remember.”

“How could we forget?” I admitted.

“She asks about you quite often.” Sia bit her lip and ran her eyes up and down my body. “You should stop by sometime and see us.”

“I will.” I smiled back at the succubus.

“Excellent!” The madame grinned. “I was starting to--”

“Oh shit!” Ira interrupted and showed us her phone. “The new poll has me down to only ten points ahead of Hoggins. Fuck me, that means I really can’t mess up this next debate.”

“You won’t, sister,” Libidine reassured. “You’ve just got to make sure you prepare like you’re preparing for a dominatrix session.”

“That’s hard to do when I’m always out slaying demons.” Ira sighed and put her head down on the table. “It’s not fair. I wanna be out helping you guys, not sitting on the sidelines.”

“Ira,” Cupi said sympathetically, “you’ve helped us out plenty. If not for you, we never could have saved Tris and Gula from Beelzebub, and we never would have defeated Shax. Maybe it’s time you took a well-earned break from demon slaying and focused on your career?”

“I agree, Ira.” I nodded. “You’re going to get burnt out if you’re not careful. Just hang back and focus on your political career for a while. I don’t even know who we’re going after next, and there’ll always be another demon to slay.”

“You don’t know how correct you are, Jacob Ralston,” a booming voice called out that nearly made me jump out of my shoes.

The succubi and I did jump to our feet though, prepared to kick ass. We turned toward the direction of the sound and saw a man in a flowing white robe standing against the corner with his arms crossed. He had his long black hair put up into a manbun, and his bright blue eyes seemed to shimmer in the dull light of the room.

It was the Archangel, Raphael, and at the sight of him, we all relaxed.

“Jesus, Raph.” I sighed. “You gotta stop sneaking up on us like that.”

“I apologize, Jacob,” the angel apologized, “but please don’t use the Lord’s name in vain.”

“Sorry,” I fake-apologized. “What brings you here, old friend?”

Raphael looked like he was in rough shape. His normally well-kempt hair was messy, and the bags under his eyes told me that he probably hadn’t slept in days. Meanwhile, his robe had stains all over, as if it hadn’t been washed.

“I had to see you immediately.” He sighed grimly. “I’m afraid I come bearing some disturbing news.”

“Did one of your mortal baby-mamas come looking for alimony?” Cupi snarked.

“I appreciate your attempt at humor, Cupiditas.” Raph let a small smile rise at the corner of his lips. “But no. This is much, much worse. Our friend, the Archangel Uriel, has gone missing. I believe he’s been kidnapped by the forces of the Demonic.” Raph’s face turned into a somber frown. “Or worse.”

Chapter 4

Shadow sped through the streets of Phoenix, under cover of the dark desert night. The second that Todd and Tris had returned from their munchie run, I snagged the keys to the vehicle and decided to head toward my cult’s hideout. If we really were going to be tracking down a missing Archangel, rallying my cultists was probably the best place to start.

“I still don’t get why you didn’t just call Oliver,” Todd muttered from the middle seat. “It would have saved me from being uncomfortably smashed between two guys for an entire car ride. I think I’ve had to say ‘no homo’ more times today than I have in my entire life.”

“Doubtful,” Raphael uttered under his breath.

“What’d you say, angel boy?” Todd demanded. “We may be best buds, but don’t think I won’t give you the ol’ one-two, one-two if you get outta line.”

“Of course,” the Archangel said with a coy smile. “I’d never think of insulting you, Todd.”

“Damn straight,” the imp nodded, “but, as the leader of this group, I’ll let it slide. Just this once. Now, Jakey, why are we doing this the old fashioned way?”

“Honestly, because up until we stole the loot from Shax, I couldn’t afford to pay their cell phone bills,” I admitted. “Did you know my cultists racked up almost ten thousand dollars worth of charges last month? How is that even possible?”

“Two words, bro,” Todd suggested. “Candy. Crush.”

“Oh!” Raph perked up. “Is that like Snake? I love Snake.”

“I bet you love the snake.” The imp snickered and put his two index fingers together. “That’s why you’re trying to find Uriel so bad.”

“Excuse me?” Raph sneered. “I’m trying to find Uriel because he’s been a dear friend for millennia, and he’s one of the most powerful allies we have in this battle against Lucifer and his forces. Not because I want to play a game with him.”

“Boys, boys,” Gula spoke up from the back seat, “can’t we all just get along? I thought we were all on the same side?”

“We are.” I nodded. “Todd and Raph just have the whole ‘Laurel and Hardy’ dynamic between the two of them.”

“Jakey’s right,” Todd admitted as he flipped around to face the succubi in the back. “Raphey and I may get on each other’s nerves all the time, but deep down, we both know that we’re bestest buds. No homo.”

“No homo.” Raph sighed. “I still can’t believe you make me say that.”

“And I can’t believe you’ve gone your whole life without saying it!” Todd shot back. “What the fuck did you do when you accidentally brushed another man’s hand or when you were pressed up against them on a crowded subway or when you accidentally walked in on them in the shower?”

“Is that last one a common problem?” Cupi asked curiously.

“You bet your ass it is, my bodacious blonde,” the imp explained. “Our old apartment had no locks on the door. If you were in a baked-out haze or a drunken stupor, it was like playing Russian roulette every time you opened that door.”

The trip between our mansion and the main headquarters of the Cult of Ralston was only a twenty-minute drive, but it always felt like it was so much further away. The building was located in an old store just on the outskirts of the Phoenix metropolitan area. It was just far enough out in the desert to be secluded, but still close enough to be accessible from the city.

As we pulled up to the modest white and black building, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the entire situation. Three succubi, a demon-slaying mortal, and an imp were taking an Archangel of the highest order to a little building out in the middle of the desert that had been taken over by a former demon-worshipping cult.

It was batshit insane, but that had been my life for the last year and a half.

I pulled Shadow into the parking lot, put her in park, and then killed the engine.

“It’s much bigger than I imagined,” Libidine mused from the backseat.

“Sounds like our first time with Jacob,” Cupiditas cooed. “Those were good times.”

“Don’t make me jealous, Sisters,” Gula pouted. “I’ve yet to make the connection with our new master, but I’m dying to do so.”

“Patience is a virtue, Gula,” Liby explained as we exited our vehicle. “Your time will come, and when it does, it will be magical. I know mine was.”

“Maybe we should just focus on finding Uriel for now,” I suggested. “There’s always plenty of me to go around.”

“You can say that again,” Cupi purred and bit her lip.

“Stop it, Cupi!” Gula nearly moaned. “You’re just making me want him more and more.”

“I dunno about you, Raphey,” Todd interjected, “but I’m gonna go on inside and let these lovebirds hammer this out on their own. That’s not something my retinas need to be exposed to.”

Raphael nodded. “If you wish to fornicate out here, I’ll gladly go in and speak to Oliver myself,” he offered.

“We’re not-- I’m coming in--” I stammered.

“You’re cumming?” Todd exclaimed. “TMI, bro. TMI.”

“No.” I sighed. “I’m coming inside--”

“Bro,” Todd grabbed his stomach, “I really don’t need to know where you’re spraying your love juice.”

“I’m going into the building with you!” I finally spat.

“Oh,” the imp said with surprise. “Why didn’t you just say so?”

“I was-- Nevermind.” I sighed and then began to walk toward the door of the building.

The headquarters for the Cult of Ralston was moderately sized, as it sat in a single-story structure that was about the width and length of a small warehouse. The building used to be a convenience store for travelers who wanted to avoid city prices, but it had sat abandoned for years, condemned and waiting to be torn down. That is, until we came along, bought it with Robert Quinn’s money, and then gave it a little TLC.

Now, it was the main hub for the entire organization.

The six of us sauntered up to the main door, and then I knocked gently. There was a sound of mechanical locks turning and chains being removed, and then the bright red door opened to reveal one of my loyal followers.

“Welcome to our humble abode, mast-- uh, Jacob,” the man in the navy robe caught himself.

“The pleasure is all mine.” I nodded and entered the building.

It was easy to see the remnants of the convenience store in the headquarters. The entire floor was still made up of bright, neutral-colored tile, and many of the large metal shelving units were still present, now home to dusty old books and artifacts. Most annoyingly, there was the distinct hum of fluorescent lighting from above.

Of course, the contractors we’d hired had done their best to make the old store feel more like an office building. There were cubicle dividers all throughout the far end of the structure, and I distinctly remembered them talking about turning the entirety of the back into individual offices. Not to mention, there were ugly black-and-gray area rugs all throughout the place.

It may not have been much, but it was ours.

“There he is!” Oliver’s voice echoed through the room. “Jacob Ralston, in the flesh!” Once he got a little bit closer, the old man extended his right arm and violently shook my hand.

“I was starting to get worried,” the cultist admitted. “We hadn’t heard from you in a few weeks, and I noticed that all of our cell phones weren’t working. I was afraid you’d abandoned us.”

“Give me a break, Oliver,” a familiar voice prodded. “Jacob would never abandon us. Not even if his life depended on it.”

I looked over to see the stunning brunette walking our way. She was also adorned in the standard uniform of the cult, but this navy robe hugged the green-eyed woman in all the right places. As she walked, her massive breasts jiggled playfully underneath the fabric of her clothes, and her hips swayed side to side with each step she took.

My lover Jane was always a delicious sight to behold.

“Yeah,” I admitted, “the phone thing was on me. The truth is, we were bleeding funds for a while there. The banks decided to freeze Robert Quinn’s accounts, and our demon-hunting endeavors were anything but cheap. Luckily for you, we just came across a little nest egg that’s gonna last us a very, very long time. I’ll get your phones back up and running ASAP.”

“Such a gentleman,” Jane cooed. “Always putting his cultists first.”

“Yup, that’s me.” I winked to the brunette. “Just call me Mr. Charitable.”

“I’m gonna barf,” Todd gagged.

“So to what do we owe the pleasure of this visit, ‘Mr. Charitable?’” Jane asked coyly.

“Unfortunately, Jacob is here on my behalf,” Raphael said as he stepped into the conversation. “Our ally, Uriel, has gone missing, and I’m afraid he may have been snatched up by one of Beelzebub’s minions.”

“We wanted to come here and see if you guys had any leads,” I continued, “or at least if you had any idea on where the fuck we’d even start to look for an Archangel.”

“Well,” Oliver pondered, “I can almost guarantee that if Uriel was captured, it wasn’t by one of the Seventy-Two Servants. There are only four surviving members, and they have all fled to the far corners of the globe like the cowards they are. No matter. The Cult of Ralston will still find them, and we will incinerate them with extreme prejudice.”

“Damn,” Todd whistled. “And I thought Crazy Eyes got intense.”

“I appreciate the enthusiasm,” I agreed, “but is there any way we can get everyone on high alert and looking for Uriel? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the Seventy-Two Servants can wait.”

“Of course, Jacob,” Oliver said with a bow. “I will send out an alert right away. Er, once our phones get reactivated.”

“I’ll get on that,” I promised. “In fact, if you guys have an internet hookup, I’ll get on that right now.”

“We have a couple of open computers in the back offices,” Jane said as she pointed to the back end of the building.

“It’s okay,” I retorted, and then I pulled out my phone. “I can just do it on here as long as I have the wifi password.”

“It’s gonna be better if you use the desktop,” Jane insisted. “The connection is a million times faster.”

“Alright,” I conceded. “Since you’re so adamant about it, I’ll oblige.”

“You won’t regret it,” Jane promised.

I turned to go back to the offices, but I was halted by Cupi’s hand on my arm. “Wait,” the blonde succubus implored. “Take Sister Gula with you. She’s very good with technology.”

“The best, actually,” Libidine added with a giggle.

“I see what you’re doing.” I clicked my tongue and winked at them.

“You’ll thank us later,” Cupi said as she pressed her slender finger over my lips. “Now go.”

I shook my head, smiled, and then motioned to Gula. “I guess we’re going solo for this one, Gula,” I explained. “Let’s get back there and pay that bill.”

“Right away, Master.” The short redhead nodded and began to follow.

The two of us walked through the makeshift corridors of cubicles until we finally came upon a set of double doors that read “Offices.” I pushed them open, and then we passed into the bowels of the former convenience store.

“You know,” Gula observed, “this is the first time the two of us have been alone together. Usually, the other succubi are with us.”

“What’s the matter?” I asked with a grin. “Are you shy?”

The redhead snorted. “Anything but,” she argued. “It’s just… I don’t know… I feel like Sister Libidine and Sister Cupiditas are putting a lot of pressure on me to hook up with you.”

“Really?” I noted sarcastically. “I didn’t notice.”

We passed by a few of the offices of the lower-level cult members, and then we were at the computer room. I stepped aside and let the succubus enter the room first.

“Well… I want to,” Gula continued. “I really, really want to. But--”

“You want to ease into things,” I finished her sentence. “I get it, Gula. We don’t have to rush into that if you’re not ready.”

“What?” the Sister of Gluttony asked with a confused quirk of her lips. “That’s not what I meant at all.”

“What did you mean, then?” I questioned.

Gula looked down at the ground bashfully and then turned her head up to stare me in the eyes. The succubus bit her lip, and I could see that her nipples were growing erect through her tight shirt.

“I… I want you now, Jacob,” she admitted. “I can’t wait like the rest of my sisters did. I was just afraid that you’d think I was being selfish or using you for your body or--”

I stepped over and wrapped my hands around the redhead’s wide waist. “Gula,” I chuckled. “Why would I ever turn down that offer? Especially from a woman as beautiful and talented as you?”

“Stop it!” The succubus giggled. “You’re making me blush.”

The redhead’s violet eyes surveyed the room for a moment, and then she pulled away from my grip and began to saunter over toward a nearby closet. As she walked, my eyes wandered to her curvy ass, which was covered only by a thin layer of legging fabric.

I couldn’t wait to pull them down so there would be nothing between me and the succubus’ ass.

Gula looked back at me and then beckoned for me to follow. She didn’t need to tell me twice. I practically ran over to the succubus, spun her around to face me, and then pressed my lips against hers. I reached back and popped open the closet door as our tongues explored each other’s mouths, and the two of us literally fell through the doorway.

Thankfully, this was a large closet, more akin to a storage room, so there was more than enough room for our love-making.

Our bodies rolled around on the carpeted floor as we continued to make out and fumble at our clothes. Eventually, I was able to wrap my hands around Gula’s shirt and tug it off her head.

The succubus’ massive breasts plopped happily against her chest, and her dark red nipples stood erect atop her large areolas. Without even giving it a second thought, I moved down and began to suck on her tits.

Gula let out a groan of pleasure and ran her hands through my hair. At the same time, I allowed my right hand to slide gracefully down her body, down into her pants. I felt the dampness of the redhead’s pussy, so I slid two of my fingers deep inside of her.

The succubus responded with another moan as I began to finger her and lick her nipples at the same time.

“Oh, Jacob,” she groaned. “I… This is amazing.”

I kept pleasuring Gula, and she was got wetter by the moment. Her moans grew more intense, and then she began to tense her body as if she was preparing to orgasm. Then, she reached down, grabbed my hand, and pulled it out of her pants.

“Nonono,” she panted. “If you’re gonna get me off, it’s gonna be with that massive cock between your legs.”

“With pleasure,” I teased as sat up and pulled off my shirt.

Once the shirt was gone, I tugged off the woman’s leggings and grinned with delight. Gula’s pussy was dripping wet, and the clean-shaven mound between her legs was pulsating with anticipation as it waited for my dick.

I stood up, pulled down my pants and boxers, and revealed my rock-hard erection.

“It’s-- It’s even bigger than I thought!” Gula gasped. “Get it inside me. Right now.”

I grabbed the base of my shaft and guided it slowly into the redhead’s throbbing pussy. The succubus’ mouth fell open as I entered her, and her moans grew louder the further I pushed into her. Once I was all the way inside, she bit her lip and looked at me hungrily.

“Fuck me hard,” she purred. “I want everything you’ve got.”

Right after the words left her mouth, I pushed the last remaining bit of my cock inside of Gula. Her eyes rolled back into her head, and then I started to move in and out of the succubus, making sure that she got each and every inch of me. Gula’s incredibly large breasts bounced in unison with the sound of my thrusts, and I could feel myself already headed toward the edge.

Finally, the succubus reached up and pressed her hand against my bare chest. “It’s my turn,” she said through her moans.

I slid myself out of Gula’s tight pussy and laid down on my back. The succubus stood up, turned around so that I could see her curvy ass, and then straddled herself over my erection. She reached down, grabbed my dick, and then slowly slid herself down onto my cock, reverse cowgirl style.

A loud groan of pleasure slipped out of my mouth in response, and I heard the succubus giggle.

Gula began to bounce up and down, and the sight of her sexy ass riding my cock was almost enough to make me blow right then and there. The redhead's fiery locks dangled down her arched back like a cascade of fire as she ground the lips of her pussy against me.

At the same time, Gula reached down with one of her free hands and began to rub them against my balls. This time, the sound of pleasure that escaped my mouth was more intense than any of the succubus’ groans.

“You like that?” she mused. “Good. Because when you cum, I want to make sure I get it all.”

Gula continued to do the cowgirl rub-and-ride on my dick while she used her other free hand to play with her clit. After a few minutes of performing this combo, the succubus’ motions became more focused. She started to move the lips of her tight, wet pussy up and down my shaft slowly, and it took everything I had to keep from filling her up right then and there.

I grabbed the succubus’ narrow waist from below and began to thrust my hips upward. Gula let out a surprised gasp, but the sound quickly turned into a symphony of gleeful squeals and moans. The lips of the redhead’s pussy were now quivering, and her sounds of pleasure were growing louder and louder.

Without warning, Gula stood straight up, flipped her body around, and then slid back down onto my cock. Now that she was facing me, the succubus bent over, pressed her body against mine, and stuck her tongue down my throat. The sounds of our lovemaking seemed to intermingle in the air, building up to a powerful climax.

Finally, the beautiful redhead sat back up, pressed herself all the way down onto my dick, and nearly screamed as her entire body quivered. The sounds of Gula’s orgasm sent me over the edge, and I filled her pussy with my warm cum.

The succubus fell over onto my chest and laid there, panting.

“That… That was incredible,” she purred.

“Yes, it was,” I agreed, “and that was just a quickie. Now imagine what we could do if we weren’t on a time crunch.”

“Oh, I can imagine quite a lot.” Gula grinned as she ran her index finger along my chest. “But right now, we need to get back to the mission at hand. The others are going to wonder what’s taking so long.”

The two of us got back to our feet and began to get dressed.

“I think they all knew exactly what we were doing back here.” I chuckled. “Jane was practically begging me to fuck you. Remember, with each connection, we all grow stronger. Not that I’m complaining.”

“Neither am I.” Gula sighed and pulled her shirt back over her head.

The two of us finished getting dressed, and then we headed back out toward the computer room. It took approximately five minutes to get everything set back up for the cultists’ phones, and then we were on our merry way.

As Gula and I walked back out into the main room of the headquarters, I could tell that all eyes were focused on us. Libidine and Cupi were grinning ear-to-ear while Todd looked mortified and Raphael wore a look of disapproval upon his face.

Yep. They definitely knew what we had done.

“So…” Cupi asked not-so-subtly. “How’d it go? Are the phones back online?”

“Yes,” Gula said with a wink. “They are very much back on.”

Oliver clapped his hands together happily. “Excellent!” he exclaimed. “Now we can get back to business as usual. As old-school as I am, I do admit that I missed the musings of modern technology, especially the orgy group chat.”

“We’ll use every piece of technology at our disposal to find your missing angel, Jacob,” Jane promised. “I swear to you, on my mother’s--”

“Whoa, whoa,” Todd said as he held out his hands. “Are we really just gonna skip over the whole ‘orgy group chat’ thing? Please tell me we’re not just gonna skip over the orgy group chat.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is.” Oliver shrugged. “It’s just, like, what do the kids call it nowadays? ‘Sexting?’ It’s just like sexting, only in a massive group chat. It takes me back to good old days of our blood moon orgies, only without the hassle of actually getting everyone together!”

“Uh-huh.” Todd nodded, but the imp looked dead on the inside. “I-- I don’t even think I have a comeback for that one.”

“Holy shit!” I laughed. “You broke Todd!”

“No, no,” the imp assured me, “I’m sure I can come up with something. Just let me think for a moment.”

Todd stroked his invisible goatee as he searched for some sort of snappy quip. From afar, there was a loud pounding on the front door. Todd looked up at me, extended his finger as if the lightbulb went off, and then lowered it again.

“I’m gonna go get that,” he sighed. “Maybe a short walk will get my creative juices flowing.”

The imp dashed off toward the front of the headquarters, and I nearly doubled over in laughter.

“Seriously,” I said as I shook my head at Oliver. “I’ve never seen Todd speechless before.”

“Nor have I,” Raphael noted. “It’s actually somewhat disheartening.”

“Like a sad puppy.” Libidine frowned. “I hate to see him like this, I--”

The succubus’ words were interrupted by a loud, shrill scream that came from the direction Todd had just gone. Suddenly, the imp came running back toward us. When he saw me, he leapt up into the air and latched onto my leg like a koala bear.

“What’s wrong, bro?” I demanded. “Who was at the door? Was it one of the Seventy-Two Servants?”

“Is it Uriel?” Raph asked hopefully.

“Was it one of Beelzebub’s goons?” Gula hissed.

“N--no, guys,” Todd shuddered against my leg. “It was worse. Much, much worse.”

Two young men dressed in white shirts and black pants with black ties suddenly came into view. They both wore overly large backpacks on their person, and they both carried a large book in their hands. Their skin was very pale, a stark contrast to the strawberry-red hair on their heads and the many freckles that dotted their face. When they saw that we were looking at them, the gentlemen shot us a grin and a wave.

Todd let out another shrill scream, and the imp looked like he was gonna faint.

“It’s okay, Todd,” I said soothingly. “It’s just two nice young men who are trying to spread the word about their religion. They aren’t gonna hurt anybody.”

“Have you heard the good news?” one of the boys asked.

“Sure, we have,” I nodded, “but I’d love to hear it again.”

“That’s great, mister!” the second young man exclaimed. “Why don’t you come over here, and we can tell you all about it?”

I started to take a step toward one of the two gentlemen, but then I froze. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but something was off about these two.

When the boys moved, it was almost like they were suspended like a marionette on a string. Then there was their voices, which seemed devoid of all emotions even though they wore large smiles on their faces.

Something wasn’t right here.

“Actually, I think I’m gonna stay over here,” I explained. “But you boys are more than welcome to tell me all about the ‘good news’ from a distance.”

The boy on the left looked at his friend. “I was afraid he’d say that.” He sighed and then turned back to us. “The good news is that we finally found you, Jacob Ralston.”

In an instant, the two creepy-looking young men began to glow with a black ectoplasmic substance. They reached out and took each other’s hands, and then their bodies began to meld together into one large, ominous blob. Finally, the magical nebula began to take on a new shape.

It had the body of a man, but the creature had eight massive, spider-like legs that made it tower over even the tallest person in the room. This thing had eight eyes, pinchers, and a thorax-like growth on its bottom half.

“And now,” the creature mocked through gurgled breaths, “we’re going to collect our bounty.”

Chapter 5

“I knew there was something funky with them, Jakey!” Todd exclaimed and released my leg. “Life is a dark, cruel void. Nobody should be that happy, bro.”

“Don’t go emo on me, Todd,” I warned the imp and summoned Hellfire into my hands. “We’ve got a spider to swat.”

“The only thing getting swatted here today is you,” the spider-like creature gurgled.

Several cultists ran over to the beast and began to unleash their casts of yellow, red, and blue Hellfire at the creature. The monster leapt up, flipped its body around in the air, and dug its legs into the ceiling of the headquarters. Then, it made an inhuman hissing noise and fired two balls of glowing ectoplasm out of its mouth. The ectoplasmic substance warped in midair, contorted into a pair of magic nets, and landed on top of the cultists on either side.

My captured allies struggled to escape, but it was useless. They were quite literally trapped in a spider’s web, and it didn’t help that ectoplasm, as we found out in our fights with Aruna the Raksashi bounty hunter, were proofed against Hellfire. The spider-demon contorted its head around, looked directly at me, and then began to scuttle in our direction.

Todd let out a girlish scream and began to toss baseball-sized balls of fire into the air haphazardly.  “Fucking spiders, bro!” he exclaimed. “The only thing on this Earth scarier than mimes.”

I wanted to make a snarky joke at my friend, but I was too focused on our incoming assailant. I looked over at Libidine and nodded.

“Death from behind,” I ordered the succubus as I tossed up a portal of green Hellfire directly in front of my body. Liby must have understood what I was getting at because she quickly launched a handful of enchanted spears into the portal.

Like bullets in a chamber that traveled through time and space, I began to unload each spear at the creature one-by-one. To keep the fucker on his toes, I made sure that I was firing each one from a new direction. Still, the spider creature was able to scuttle past each of the spears, and they stabbed harmlessly into the ceiling.

“Careful!” Oliver cried. “That’s the original ceiling of this place! It’s on the historic register!”

“Seriously?” I asked and then motioned for my friends to attack. “Raph and Gula, you go high. Todd, Lib, and Cupi, follow my lead.”

Gula stuck out her hands and called forth red Hellfire into a single-headed battle axe. At the same time,  two large, bat-like wings sprouted from her back with a flash of purple light. The redhead let out a battle cry and then leapt upward.

Raph, on the other hand, didn’t have to do much to get into battle mode. The Archangel simply untied his robe, pushed it back over his shoulders, and revealed the pristine white SWAT outfit underneath. He reached down on his belt, unhooked an Uzi, and then readied it in his hands. Raph’s gigantic wings stretched out horizontally, and then he took to the air.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group tried our best to take the spider out from below. Jane, Oliver, and Todd provided covering fire while Libidine and I tried to find anything in the environment that we could use as a projectile. I threw out my hands, encased a few desk chairs and computers with green Hellfire, and then launched them at the monster.

The spider demon hissed as he dodged the cultists and Raph’s fire and then defied the laws of physics by rolling out of the way of Gula’s axe strike. Thankfully, our assailant was distracted enough that he rolled right into the path of the flying chairs and the computers.

The debris struck the creature, and he lost his grip on the ceiling. As he plummeted to the ground, Liby and Jane both tossed down a bed of yellow Hellfire spikes directly below the falling beast. There was a flash of black ectoplasm, and the creature saved himself with a strand of magic web. Without halting his momentum, our assailant used the strand of web to swing off to the side. He tumbled across the floor, sprang to his eight legs, and unleashed another net.

The spreading weave moved so fast that it caught Jane, Oliver, and Todd by surprise, and the net wrapped around them. There were flashes of red flames as my three friends tried to escape, but it was useless as the fire washed off the ectoplasm harmlessly.

With the beast’s attention on the others, Raphael dive-bombed the creature and unleashed a hailstorm of enchanted bullets as he did so. The spider creature barely managed to shoot a web up into the ceiling and yank himself out of the deadly attack at the last moment.

Or so he thought.

At the exact same time our attacker hoisted himself up, Gula swooped by and snapped his web with a swing of her mighty axe.

Raph’s bullets tore into the creature’s left leg and reduced it to little more than a useless, hanging branch of flesh. The creature shrieked in agony as he landed back onto the floor and his wounded limb twisted under his weight.

“Now!” I commanded.

Cupi, Liby, and I all unleashed a wave of red Hellfire at the same time. Our spells flew through the air and combined into one massive, glowing ball of flames as it traveled. The attack had been timed perfectly with the creature’s fall, and he was blasted with the incinerating flames.

The spider shrieked in pain as he was roasted by the attack and thrown back through the old convenience store. His body finally came to a halt when it smashed into one of the old paintings on the wall and then collapsed to the ground.

“That painting’s from 1547!” Oliver gasped.

“Relax, Oliver,” Todd’s voice suddenly appeared beside us. “It’s just an old picture. You can take a million of those with your cell phone cameras nowadays.”

“Todd?” Cupi said with surprise. “How did you get out?”

The little imp just clicked his tongue. “You know what they say-- Size matters.” He giggled. “I was small enough to fit through the holes in the net. Now go finish him off, Jakey!”

“You’re not coming?” I asked as I ran toward the fallen assailant.

“You couldn’t pay me to go near that thing, bro,” Todd’s voice grew distant as we approached the monster.

“Don’t kill him right off the bat,” I reminded the succubi who had followed. “He said something about a bounty. We need to figure out who the fuck he’s working for first.”

“That’s a shame,” Gula growled as she hovered down and landed beside us. “I really wanted to slice his disgusting body apart piece by piece.”

As we grew closer, I saw just how much our attack had fucked this guy up. He was now heaving, and his fur was singed off all across his torso, revealing third-degree burns underneath. We must have ruptured something internally because his stomach looked like it was swollen to three times its normal size.

“Wait,” Raphael stopped me with his arm. “Nobody go any closer. Do you hear that?”

The five of us all went silent, and I realized what the Archangel was talking about. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact location, but it sounded like there was a chorus of small squeals coming from somewhere near the fallen assassin. Suddenly, the monster’s body began to twitch. His skin was moving, but it didn’t look like it was being brought on by his muscles.

Something was moving underneath his hairy skin.

“I’m gonna be sick.” Libidine held her hand over her mouth.

There was a loud crack, and then the spider-demon’s body burst open. An identical version of the assassin stood up from the shell of his former skin, covered with the gooey ectoplasmic substance that matted down his new fur like a form of gnarly hair gel.

Then there were the actual spiders. Along with his newfound body, a small army of arachnids, each one the size of a small rodent, emerged from the husk of the corpse.

“Nope!” Todd shrieked from across the room. “Nooooooooooooopppee!”

“Fucking hell!” I growled and started to blast at the little fuckers with my Hellfire.

All my friends that were free followed suit as they tossed out handfuls of yellow spears, incanted spells of red Hellfire, swung weapons, and fired bullets into the tiny crowd of arachnids. The assassin tried to take advantage of the distraction by launching an ectoplasmic net to cut them off, but I was quick to throw up a shield of purple, and instead of ensnaring us, the net harmlessly wrapped around the violet Hellfire. The ectoplasm ate through it in a moment, but without any momentum, the net just fell uselessly to the ground.

The spider-monster let out another gurgling sound and charged forward with two of his spiny legs at the ready. It was obvious that he was sprinting toward me, so I kicked a few of the spiders away from my feet and then blasted at their master with a shot of red fire to cut him off.

The assassin leapt out of the way, extended his spiny arms, and landed directly on top of me. The impact from his weight knocked me to the ground, and then he jabbed his pointed appendages into the floor around me to form a sort of makeshift trap with his body. Now that I was face-to-face with the beast, I could see just how hideous he was. The eight eyes on his face reflected my snarling expression, and he had two creepy-ass feelers where his lips should be.

The worst part? His breath smelled like a rotting carcass.

“You’re mine now, Ralston,” he gurgled, and a few drops of his rancid saliva dripped down onto my neck.

Suddenly, I felt the sensation of a million tiny legs swarming my arms, legs, and face, as the spiders began to skitter over me. The assassin opened his mouth and revealed two massive, dripping fangs. The creature reared back his head, ready to go in for the killing blow.

Then, there was a flash of red, and the monster’s body went tumbling backward.

“Get away from my best friend, you bitch!” Todd growled.

I rolled over and brushed the remaining spiders off my body in a panic, killing as many as I possibly could as I did so. Before the mother spider, father spider, whatever-the-fuck spider could regain his composure, I blasted the asshole in the chest with another beam of red Hellfire.

The monster’s body tumbled backward and then knocked over a pedestal containing a semi-expensive-looking urn. The urn shattered atop the monster’s head and sent dark powder all over his ghastly form.

“Those are Brother Beauregard's ashes!” Oliver cried from afar.

I surveyed the battlefield around me and saw that, despite our best efforts, the army of oversized spiders was quickly overwhelming us. They were already halfway up Raphael’s body, and they had Gula nearly completely covered with their horrid wave. It was like they kept multiplying faster than we could kill them.

“Precision strike?” Todd suggested.

I nodded to the imp, and then we both ran toward our friends. I created a series of ascending platforms for the imp to climb, and he acrobatically hopped up the makeshift stairs with ease. Once he was at the top, he flipped up into the sky above Gula and rained down a hailstorm of tiny balls of Hellfire. The spiders screamed as they were burned off the succubus’ torso and arms.

Once she had her upper body free, Gula took a swing with her enchanted battle axe. Chunks of spider and greenish blood flew up into the sky, and then the succubus was free.

“Save Liby,” I nodded to the redhead as I dashed toward Cupiditas. Todd was already over at Raphael, ripping spiders off our ally’s body with his tiny claws.

Cupi seemed to be having the best luck with her creepy crawlers as she was able to halt their advance by covering her body with her blue time-freezing Hellfire. Of course, the succubus was channeling all her power to keep the spiders at bay so she couldn’t fight back. It was a total stalemate, but one I could easily break.

I approached the succubus, cast out green Hellfire onto the spiders all over her body, and pulled them away. While they were still in the air, I closed my fists and squished the little fuckers into jelly. Then, I cast down a quick blast of red Hellfire at my feet and toasted the remaining spiders in the vicinity of the blonde.

From behind us, there was a sudden squishing sound. I spun around to defend myself and then realized that there wasn’t anything to defend against. Off to my side, I saw Gula and Libidine ensnared in the ectoplasmic net. Across the room, Raphael had been caught by the spider’s trap, as well.

Meanwhile, the assassin was back on his feet, charging toward our position.

“You know,” Cupi growled, “I’m getting really tired of this shit. Do you think you can hold this fucker off for a minute or two?”

“What’s your plan?” I asked the succubus as I tried to hit the spider-demon with a fireball.

“I’m improvising,” Cupi promised. “Just trust me on this one.”

“Don’t worry, Cupi,” Todd slid in front of me and threw out a couple fireballs of his own. “The dynamic duo of Todd and Jakey are on the case!”

The succubus dashed off behind us, and the imp and I continued our assault.

Our target was ridiculously fast, much too fast for any projectile we could throw at him now that we were losing the numbers advantage. The spider-demon sidestepped our fireballs as if they were moving in slow motion, and he always seemed to know exactly where I was going to cast a disruptive portal or shield.

Then I thought of something this asshole couldn’t dodge and quickly cast a spell of green Hellfire onto a fallen office chair, picked it up, and tossed it at a large glass cabinet that stood a few yards off to my right. The glass case shattered, and I immediately caught the shards with my telekinetic flames. Then, I tugged my hand to the left and sent a wave of deadly shrapnel at the spider-monster.

The creature still tried to dodge, but it was far too wide of a spray of shards. There were several spurts of green blood accompanied by shrieks of pain as the chunks of glass stuck into the fucker’s body. His momentum slowed, but the creature didn’t let up.

From far behind me, there was another sound of shattering glass.

“What are you doing?” Oliver whimpered from that same part of the building. “That thing is thousands of years old!”

“Guys!” Cupi’s voice called out. “It’s time to part the Red Sea!”

Todd and I looked at each other, nodded, and then readied ourselves. As soon as the creature was a few feet away, we both dashed off in opposite directions. I couldn’t see exactly what happened next, but there was a gust of air against my back, and then I heard the spider creature let out a painful scream. When I turned around, I saw that the fucker was down on his hands and knees.

He was missing two of his arachnid arms, and green blood was spurting out of the stumps where they used to be.

Directly behind the assassin stood Cupi. The blonde succubus wore a triumphant grin on her face as she brandished a medieval-style polearm over her right shoulder. Her dark angel wings were sitting gracefully behind her back, and she looked totally badass.

The spider-creature lashed out at Cupi with his remaining back legs, and the succubus instinctively knocked them away with a flip of her newfound weapon. Then the blonde warrior-succubus twirled the polearm around her body and then struck the assassin in the face with the blunt end.

Green blood sprayed from the fucker’s mouth as his head was twisted to the side, but the spider-demon recovered quickly. He twisted his body around, pressed his six legs against the floor, and then leapt at the succubus. Cupi sidestepped the attack, placed her polearm onto the ground, and then spun around it like a stripper pole. As she came around, the blonde struck the spider-creature in the back of the head with her feet.

The assassin’s face smashed through the plaster of the nearby wall, and he took a moment to reorient himself. Before he could mount a counter-offensive, another one of his legs went flying into the air with a mist of green as Cupi slashed clean through it. The spider-demon must have been running on pure adrenaline at this point because he didn’t even seem to be affected by the loss of limb number three. Instead, he spun around and struck Cupi in the face with his human fist.

Cupi’s body tumbled backward as she dropped the polearm. She was back on her feet in seconds, but I was already on my way to help. It had been a bit too dangerous to get near Cupi’s whirling storm of steel and feet but now was my chance. I couldn’t sit back and watch any longer.

It was time to end this guy.

As I ran towards the assailant, I drew the jagged remains of my goat-headed dagger from my belt, ran my Hellfire covered hand over the base of the blade, and enchanted it. The jagged, broken steel stretched out into a fiery cutlass, and I readied my weapon for the assault.

The spider-creature threw out the pointy end of its leg in my direction. He was probably hoping that I was going to run into the point and skewer myself, but luckily for me, I wasn’t that stupid.

Instead, I twisted my glowing blade and parried his deadly appendage away with a flick of my wrist. I ducked down, spun around, and lopped off another one of the creature’s back legs.

As the spider-demon fell awkwardly onto his knees, I saw a flash of Cupi’s polearm as the blunt end shot up and struck him in the chin. Green mist sprayed upward, and the demon was now dripping his own sludge-like blood out of his mouth.

I wasted no time in thrusting my sword in the direction of his next appendage, and the leg was separated from his body effortlessly.

The spider-creature was on its last legs quite literally, and it showed. At this point, he wasn’t even really trying to fight back. He tried to stumble into an upright position, but Cupi and I brought him down with another strike to his remaining legs. The assassin collapsed onto all fours, but he still refused to go down.

“I got this, Jakey!” Todd exclaimed as he came running over to our position.

The imp was carrying a massive painting that was nearly three times the size of his tiny body. He stopped in front of the spider-demon, raised it up, and then smashed it over the assassin’s head. The spider-creature’s entire upper-body punched through the painting like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon, and then he fell over onto the floor.

Somewhere off in the distance, Oliver sounded like he was sobbing.

“Way to go, Todd,” Cupi sounded impressed.

“I totally kicked his ass,” the imp said as he pretended to wipe the dust off his hands. “I couldn’t have done it without you guys, though. Every Batman needs his Robin.”

“I’m just glad you got over your fear of spiders,” I chuckled, “and of creepy religious people.”

“Oh, I’m not over it, bro,” Todd shuddered. “Not by a long shot. I’ve been screaming internally this entire battle. In fact, I’m probably gonna have night terrors for weeks, but it was all worth it to save my best friends’ lives!”

Cupi patted the imp lovingly on the head. “And for that, we are grateful,” she smiled down at Todd.

I turned my attention back to the assassin. As much as I wanted to celebrate our victory, there was still some unfinished business to attend to. I crouched down, grabbed the spider-demon by the back of his neck, and held my sword up to his throat.

“You’re gonna start talking, asshole,” I demanded. “You went through a lot of trouble to get to my friends and me here. Why?”

“You really think it’s that easy?” The creature’s voice was much more gurgly than it had been before, probably because of the mouthfuls of blood he was now coughing up. “Rough me up, and I’ll squeal like a pig with its throat slit?”

“If you don’t start talking, that won’t be a metaphor,” I warned and pressed the blade into his flesh.

There was a sound that was halfway between a wheeze and a laugh. “You really do got stones, Ralston,” he spat. “You’re the first person to ever defeat me, you know that? Normally the whole ‘army of spiders’ thing gets people to shit themselves in terror, but not you. I respect that.”

“Get to the point,” I demanded.

“The point is that I respect you, mortal,” the spider-creature coughed out. “So, tell you what, I’ll give you a little hint.”

“A hint?” I growled. “This isn’t a game, asshole.”

The creature chuckled and spat up some more blood. “Take it or leave it.” He shrugged.

“Talk,” I commanded.

“I’m an assassin,” he explained. “I’m not the first one to come lookin’ for you, and I sure as fuck won’t be the last. Not with the bounty that’s on your head.”

“Who put out a bounty on Jacob?” Cupiditas now stepped into the interrogation. “Was it Azazel? Beelzebub?”

“You’re way cold, succubus slime,” the assassin confirmed.

“Was it our waiter at that diner the other day?” Todd suggested. “I knew you should have tipped him more, bro.”

“It was someone… near and dear to your hearts,” the spider-creature wheezed. “Let’s just leave it at that. Now, if you’ll excuse me--”

“You’re not going anywhere,” I hissed. “You’re gonna tell us exactly who--”

Before I could finish my sentence, the spider-creatures body started to glow with the black ectoplasmic substance. His skin began to bubble like a pot of boiling water, and the assassin began to let out grunts of pain.

I jumped back and readied my knife. Whatever was about to happen next, it wasn’t gonna be good.

The assassin’s body was now bubbling like crazy, and some of the boils were growing to nearly the size of a baseball. His face began to contort into an unrecognizable, abstract horror, and then his torso began to expand.

“Oh shit!” Todd exclaimed. “He’s gonna go Big Trouble in Little China on us. Hit the deck!”

The three of us dove to the ground, and then there was a loud, sloppy-sounding pop. I could feel the chunks of gooey gore crash into my body, and I was nearly mortified. I pulled myself to my feet and observed the scene.

The assassin’s body was completely gone, or more accurately, it was scattered all across the inside of the Cult of Ralston’s headquarters. Pieces of furry spider flesh ran down the walls and left a trail of green gore in its wake. The fucker’s organs were spread across the ground at various intervals,

This place was going to need a real deep cleaning as soon as possible.

I nearly gagged as I wiped the slimy remains of the creature off my arms, legs, and chest. Cupi had gotten it even worse than me as her shirt was completely soaked with the green goo and was now nearly see-through.

“Hey bro?” Todd spoke up. “Do I have something on my face?”

I turned around and nearly doubled over in laughter. Todd definitely had something on his face, alright. There, between the imp’s two black horns, sat what appeared to be a dark gray, furry penis.

“Uh, yeah,” I said as I tried to keep my composure. “It’s right up there between your horns.”

The imp reached up and patted the severed phallus. “You sure?” he asked. “That just feels like my regular hair, bro.”

“No, Todd.” I stifled a giggle. “There’s definitely something up there.”

“You better not be fucking with me, Jakey.” Todd sighed and reached up once more.

This time, the imp was able to wrap his entire hand around the shaft. Todd gave it a good yank, and it came loose from his forehead. He then held it up to his eyes and inspected it carefully.

“What is this?” he pondered aloud. “One of his legs?”

“I think that’s his manhood, Todd,” Cupi suggested.

“This doesn’t look like an F-150 to me, Blondie,” the imp scoffed. “I’m not an idiot.”

“No, Todd,” I continued. “His manhood. Like, the thing that literally makes him a man. His dick.”

Todd’s face contorted into a look of confusion as he looked over the body part once more. Suddenly, the lightbulb seemed to go off. The imp’s eyes went wide, and his entire body began to tremble. He threw the phallus as far away as he could before he fell down to his knees.

“Nooooooo!” Todd sobbed. “I just touched another dude’s dick, and I didn’t even say ‘no homo.’ I think that officially makes me gay.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works--” I tried to console the imp, but he continued to sob.

“Sorry, my love,” Todd continued to wail. “It looks like the Toddster isn’t headed back to that diner in Kansas after all.”

“Todd,” I rolled my eyes. “You’ll be fine. You can just wash--”

“Fine?” he demanded in agony. “I can never use this hand to masturbate ever again! Do you know how long I’ve used this hand to whack off? It’ll be like getting with a stranger, Jakey.”

“What did he mean by ‘somebody near and dear to your heart?’” Cupiditas interrupted the imp’s ranting to get us back on point. “Was he suggesting that somebody in our group of allies is trying to kill us?”

“I don’t know.” I sighed. “He honestly didn’t give us any answers, but he definitely raised a fuckton more questions.”

Cupi and I walked back over to our friends who had been snared in the spider’s web. The ectoplasmic substance had vanished, and they were all trying to reorient themselves. Some of my cultists were a little banged up, but it looked like they were all still alive and kicking. It made sense as the spider-monster’s focus as an assassin was on me. As Cupi and I approached, cheers rang out throughout the building.

“Jacob, Cupi,” Jane cooed, “that was incredible.”

“Thank you!” The blonde succubus grinned and held out the polearm. “I’m actually pretty good with this thing. It fits my fighting style quite well. It’s a shame we have to put it back into a display case.”

“Yes.” Oliver walked over and held out his hands. “That’s exactly where such a rare and precious artifact belongs. Safe and sound, in a glass box with a display label for all to see.”

“Oh, no, it’s not,” Jane said as she held out her hand. “You saved us all, Cupi. Keep it. Like you said, it’s very you.”

“But, but--” the white-haired man muttered. “It’s a priceless relic…”

“A priceless relic that just saved our asses,” Jane argued. “It’s a weapon of man, made for warfare. What good is it doing sitting in a case?”

“Well-- I--” Oliver tried to argue. “Fine. It’s all yours, Cupi. Please take care of that thing. It’s been with our cult for generations.”

“Don’t worry, Oliver.” The blonde winked. “It’s in good hands, I promise.”

Raphael, Gula, and Libidine finally found their way over. Liby was holding Todd in her arms like a baby, consoling him as he shuddered and stared at the ceiling, completely zoned out.

“Do you think what the assassin said was true?” Raphael asked. “Do you truly believe somebody close to us wants you dead?”

“He sounded like he was telling the truth,” I said thoughtfully. “Not to mention, we all know how assassins are with their code and all that. He wouldn’t have lied once he knew his mission was over and that he’d failed.”

“This is troubling,” the Archangel pondered. “First, Uriel goes missing, and now this? Something very strange is afoot, my friend.”

“You’re telling me,” I scoffed. “We just got ambushed by the evil Wonder Twin Spider Monster.”

Raphael reached out his right arm, engulfed it with Divine light, and then his discarded robe came flying back into his hands. He tossed it over his shoulders and carefully tied the waistband so that his SWAT uniform was completely hidden.

“I shall return to Heaven for the time being,” Raphael explained. “I’ll see if I can shake loose any leads amongst the Divine, and you guys keep working on things here on Earth Realm. Sound like a plan?”

“As much of a plan as I think we can muster right now,” I admitted.

Raphael put his hand on my shoulder. “Fear not, Jacob,” he reassured me. “We will get to the bottom of this, and we will find whoever is responsible for sending that assassin. Right now, you need to try to get some rest. If you need me, you know how to get ahold of me. I have a Blackberry now, so I’m always available.”

The Archangel stepped away from the group, threw out his arms, and was then engulfed by a brilliant white light. Seconds later, the light faded, and Raphael was gone.

“Our headquarters is ruined.” Oliver sighed. “We spent so much time and money to try to make this our new home.”

“We would have had to move, anyway.” I tried to tease out the silver lining in this situation. “There’s not much point in having a secret headquarters if all the demons of the world know where it is, right?”

“I suppose,” the old man admitted. “Actually, I have been eyeing that old warehouse down the road…”

“That’s the spirit.” I smiled and gave Oliver a playful pat on the back.

The man responded with a large grin of his own, and then he started to head back toward the office area of the building. “I’ve got so many ideas!” he muttered as he became more distant. “This is going to be so much fun.”

“We can start searching for Uriel as soon as possible, but we might be a little bit delayed with the move and the cleanup and all that.” Jane brought us back on to the subject. “What are you guys gonna do?”

I looked over at the rest of my friends and frowned.

For once in my life, I had no idea what the fuck we needed to do.

Chapter 6

Wearing a tuxedo generally went a long way in improving my mood, and tonight was no different. I sat there at the massive round table, decked out in a jet-black tux complete with its own vest and bowtie. This was a black-tie affair, and Jacob Ralston was never one to come underdressed.

Luckily for me, neither were any of my friends.

Libidine sat directly next to me at the round table, and it was taking everything in my power to keep from gawking at her perfect and massive breasts. The succubus wore a sparkly silver dress that had a wide, plunging neckline. If it weren’t for the dress’s halter top, her delicious boobs would have been flopping out all over the place.

Of course, I wouldn’t have complained if they were.

Then there was Cupi. Surprisingly, the Sister of Greed had little to no interest in fashion, but she was still dressed to the nines. The fit succubus wore a tight red dress with an off-shoulder neckline that ran all the way down to her knees. It had the textured effect of a toga-style wrap around the chest and torso area, and then it spun out into a more flowing gown down below the belt. It was subtle but elegant.

Meanwhile, Gula’s outfit was about as eye-catching as you could get. The redhead wore a vibrant white dress that contrasted amazingly with her warm hair color and ran all the way down to the floor. It was stylized so that it had what could only be described as an armor plating pattern all the way up and down the garment. To top it all off, Gula’s dress was covered with sequins that sparkled under the limelight.

Tris sat directly across from me, and she looked like she couldn't care less. The Sister of Sloth didn’t even want to come tonight, so she just threw on the first outfit she found. Thankfully, the matte black dress that the tall succubus was wearing fit in perfectly with the rest of the patrons’ attire.

Sia was right next to Tris, and the madame of the Circle of Sin was always one to keep it basic. The petite redhead was in a simple burgundy silk dress that dripped down her petite frame like a waterfall. It was held up by two spaghetti straps around her shoulders, and Superbia was constantly adjusting the fabric around her breasts so that she didn’t accidentally expose a nipple to all of Ira’s donors.

“I still wish I could be in my real body, bro,” Todd mused from beside me. “I could totally rock this outfit with my super-sweet imp bod.”

For obvious reasons, the imp was currently in his human form. He wore a shimmering maroon tuxedo with matching pants, all topped off with a black bowtie.

Was it a little over the top? Yes. Was it Todd? Also yes.

“You know why you can’t do that, bro,” I reminded my friend. “The last thing we want to do is embarrass Ira on the national stage.”

We were currently sitting in the ballroom of the local Hilton and eagerly awaiting Ira to appear on stage and debate her political opponent, Bill Hoggins.

“She’s totally gonna crush this guy,” Cupi whispered. “I’ve read that he’s a total pushover when it comes to the big issues.”

“Oh, Ira is going to do much more than crush him,” Libidine added with a giggle. “She’s going to totally dominate him.”

“She isn’t…?” I mused.

Libidine’s violet eyes narrowed, and she nodded approvingly. “She is,” the succubus confirmed.

“She’s busting out the dom?” Gula asked excitedly. “I can’t wait to see her destroy this asshole!”

“Gula!” Sia hissed. “Must I remind you of where you are? Mind your language. We don’t need Ira’s donors thinking her friends are all uncivilized buffoons.”

The Sister of Gluttony bowed her head in shame. “Yes, Superbia,” she muttered. “I’ll mind my tongue from here on out.”

“She didn't mind her tongue yesterday.” Cupi snickered. “That’s for sure.”

“Did she finally make the connection with Jacob?” Tris perked up at the thought. “I want to hear all about it. Did he fill you up with his massive warhammer? And more importantly, how much work would you say you put into it? Like, give me percentages.”

“Shhh!” Sia reminded the brunette.

The succubi all went silent, but they continued to look at each other coyly.

“Sixty-forty,” Gula finally said with a giggle.

“But who was the sixty?” Tris guffawed. “Please tell me it was him.”

“This is torture, bro,” Todd gagged. “I’d almost rather have that spider-guy’s dick on my head again than listen to all of your sexual exploits in graphic detail.”

“Dude.” I raised my eyebrow curiously.

“No homo!” the imp in disguise caught himself. “Jesus, I almost forgot to say ‘no homo.’ What’s happening to me?”

“It’s okay,” I promised. “You’ve been under a lot of stress lately. Now, who’s up for some champagne?”

“Oh!” Libidine gasped. “Is that the bubbly stuff we had at the Excalibur? That drink was amaaazzing.”

“That’s the stuff,” I confirmed and gestured for the server to come over. “Of course, it’s not going to be the high-end stuff like we had out there. This is a Congressional candidate debate for the state of Arizona. Not exactly an Earth-shattering affair.”

One of the servers came over and filled each of our glasses with the clear, bubbly liquid. I handed him a generous tip, and then he sauntered away with an approving nod.

I picked up my glass and held it in the air. “I propose a toast,” I started. “To Ira-- er, I mean, to Maggie!”

Todd and the five succubi raised their glasses in unison. “To Maggie!” they all repeated, and then we kicked back our crystal flutes.

The champagne may not have been the five-hundred-dollar stuff that we’d had back in Vegas, but it was still damn good. It had a sweet, fruity taste, and the bubbles tickled my throat all the way down.

“My lord,” Tris gasped. “Is all Earth drink this delicious? I’ve just been knocking back PBR this whole time.”

“PBR?” Todd asked. “You still have so much to learn, my young apprentice.”

The seven of us finished our drinks and then continued to chat for a few minutes. Although I was paying attention to what my friends were all saying, I was having a very hard time focusing. According to the spider-demon, one of our closest allies had betrayed us. Even though I knew it couldn’t possibly have been one of the succubi, I still occasionally allowed my mind to wander to those thoughts.

And, like clockwork, I’d instantly knock some sense back into myself. These women all loved me. In fact, they’d probably worship me if I let them. They’d all go to Hell and back to make me happy, and I would do the same for them.

Meanwhile, Todd had been my best friend since elementary school. He was the one who came up with the idea to summon the succubi in the first place, and he always had my back.

I was one-hundred percent confident that it wasn’t anyone at this table.

Even with my closest allies eliminated, there were still some disturbing options on the table. What if it was Jane or Oliver? They surely missed the freedom that they had when they had full control of the cult, but I doubted that meant they wanted to kill me.

“Jacob?” Sia’s voice brought me back to the here and now. “Are you alright?”

“Huh?” I asked in a daze and then realized what had happened. “Sorry. I’m just kinda distracted right now.”

“Damn,” Tris whistled. “What did you do to him last night, Gula?”

“A lady never kisses and tells.” Gula stuck her tongue out at her sister. “You’ll just have to find out for yourself.”

“And do forty percent of the work?” the brunette succubus shot back. “I’ll have to think about that one.”

“I can assure you, Tristitia,” Sia said as she placed a slender hand on Tris’ shoulder. “It is quite worth it. Every. Single. Second.”

“Wow,” Tris mused. “That means a lot coming from you, Superbia.”

“I know it does,” the madame retorted with a smile. “That’s why it’s so important that I’m the one that tells you. Make the connection with Jacob, Tristitia. Not only will it make us all stronger, but it will also be a night that you’ll never forget.”

“Especially when there are multiple people involved,” Cupi added with a smirk. “Those are simply the best.”

“Shhhh!” Todd hissed. “Ira’s about to take the stage.”

Libidine smiled at the imp tenderly. “You just want us to stop talking about sex, don’t you?” She giggled. “I’m sorry if your virgin ears can’t handle it.”

“Whoa, whoa!” The imp in disguise shook his head in disgust. “Don’t mistake my disgust for ignorance, dudette. The Toddster is a first-class sex machine, crafted by the finest German mechanics in the heart of a dying star and sent down to Earth to bestow his elegant seed upon the women of this realm.”

“Ew,” Cupi muttered under her breath.

“Oh yes, I, the Toddster, may as well be the subject of a James Brown song,” he continued. “I’m just a little weirded out by the image of my best friend playing bump-n-go with the rest of my best buddies. That’s all.”

“Awww,” Sia cooed as she put her hand on her chest. “You consider us your best friends, Todd?”

The humanish imp just shrugged. “Well, duh,” he joked with a wink. “Who else is there?”

“You are too kind,” the madame said with a smirk.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” an older, white-haired man in a suit announced from the stage. “Welcome to the debate for the 7th congressional district of the great state of Arizona. My name is Jim Acostas, and I’ll be your moderator.”

A round of weak claps arose from throughout the room.

“But I know you guys aren’t here for me.” He awkwardly chuckled. “Without further ado, let’s bring out our candidates. First, the man who has been an Arizonian his entire life and prides himself on the wholesome family values of the middle-class American family. Please welcome, Bill Hoggins!”

The crowd erupted with applause, and Ira’s opponent walked out onto the stage. He was a middle-aged man with dusty brown hair that was graying at the tips and combed over to hide a not-so-subtle bald spot. He was wearing a dark gray suit with a white shirt underneath and a brilliant red tie around his neck. Completing Hoggins’ outfit was a lapel pin on his jacket that was shaped like the state of Arizona and featured the colors of the American flag.

“Ah,” Todd observed. “I see he’s wearing the ‘Political Dominatrix’ outfit.”

“Political Dominatrix?” I questioned. “Do I even want to know?”

“Yeah, bro,” Todd explained. “It’s totally the standard outfit of politicians. I call it that because the people that wear it like to put it on while they fuck us senseless.”

“Is that what being a politician is?” Tris asked, surprised. “No wonder Ira was always so engaged with Marvin Franklin’s campaign.”

“It’s a metaphor.” I sighed. “Like, the politicians are fucking over the people.”

“I’m not using a metaphor,” Todd argued. “They’re literally fucking us in a  bareback, raw-dog, ‘bite the pillow’ sort of way.”

“That sounds right up Ira’s alley.” Tris nodded in agreement.

“And now, Mr. Hoggins’ opponent,” the moderator interrupted. “Former wife of Marvin Franklin, the man who used to represent the seventh district, Maggie Franklin!”

The crowd applauded for Ira but not nearly as much as they had for Hoggins. To make up for the lack of enthusiasm, Todd, the succubi, and I all made sure to hoot and holler as loudly as we could when our friend took the stage.

Ira was wearing a tight-fitting but very elegant woman’s suit with matching black high heels. Underneath the garment was a ruffly white shirt that accented the centerline of her perfectly shaped hourglass body. The succubus was also wearing an Arizona-shaped lapel pin on her jacket, and she strutted out onto the stage looking as radiant as ever. There was a certain aura of confidence that surrounded Ira, and it drew the attention of everyone in the room.

Just by the way she was walking, I could tell that she was in her dom form, and she had come ready to play.

And Ira played very rough.

Ira and Hoggins did the ceremonial shaking of hands, but it didn’t seem to end. The succubus was grinning widely, and her opponent looked like he was trying half-smiling, half-grimacing as their interlocked hands continued to move up and down. Ira finally released her grip, and Hoggins pulled away with a hand that looked like it had just gone through the wringer.

She was fucking with this guy right out of the gate.

The first few questions were your typical political softballs. The whole “why do you think you’re the best candidate,” “what would you do for the people of Arizona” kind of stuff.

Hoggins and Ira both answered truthfully with their own similar-yet-different political buzzwords, and it was quite uneventful.

That was until it came to the million-dollar question.

“So,” the moderator turned to Ira, “our next question comes from one of your potential constituents here in Phoenix. They ask, ‘Ms. Franklin, your husband, was an adamant supporter of Proposition Sixty-Six, which he claimed would put public lands back into the hands of the American people who so very desperately needed them. You, on the other hand, shot down the bill the second your husband’s scandal came out and he went AWOL. Why did you do it, and how can the people of Phoenix trust you not to flip-flop on sensitive issues?’”

“That is an excellent question,” Ira leaned in close to the microphone. “Now, this may come as a shock to you, but my ex-husband and I didn’t always see eye-to-eye on a lot of things.”

The crowd laughed at Ira’s tongue-in-cheek joke.

“In all seriousness, Proposition Sixty-Six was never a good idea,” she explained. “It led to plenty of arguments between the two of us, and it further fractured our already-struggling marriage. I was able to get the bill reversed by doing what I do best, by keeping my finger on the pulse of the American people and telling Congress what they wanted.”

Claps rang out across the ballroom, and Ira nodded smugly.

“Mr. Hoggins?” the moderator continued. “Your rebuttal?”

“Thank you, Jim,” Hoggins breathed into his microphone. “I’d just like to remind the ‘American people’ that Ms. Franklin was on the public record supporting the bill. It’s not like she was simply giving her husband lip service. In fact, Ms. Franklin here even gave a rousing speech on the floor of the House about how important it was for our public interests to have this bill passed.”

He took in a breath that was almost a snort before continuing. “If my opponent really has changed her mind on this issue, it is quite troubling. Because one, if she was truly for the bill and then changed her mind the second her husband left her, how can she be trusted to not make other reckless, emotional decisions? On the other hand, if what Ms. Franklin says was true, and she was against this bill the entire time, then she has proven herself to be a master of lies and deception. Either way, she’s not the person we need in charge of this district.”

The entire crowd erupted with cheers, and the dom’s eyes narrowed. I knew that look. She was about to go in for the kill.

“I’d like to throw in a quick rebuttal if you don’t mind, Jim,” Ira asked.

The moderator nodded, and then the succubus turned to her opponent.

“I’m going to tell you all a little story about this so-called ‘flip-flopping,’” she began. “Long ago... is two years long ago? Probably in the eyes of a politician, it is. Anyway, a long time ago, there was an up-and-coming young man who wanted to get into politics. He was a recent college graduate with a Master’s in political science, and he desperately needed a job. Of course, being a new grad, he had no experience, and nobody would hire him. So what does he do? He’s young. He’s in the prime of his life. He’s got a semi-decent body. Naturally, he slips off to Nevada. The Sin City, to be precise.”

As Ira spoke, the color drained from Bill Hoggins’ face.

“Las Vegas,” the dom continued. “The place where anybody can make it rich and famous. So what, I ask, did this young man do? He started to work as a ‘private contractor’ in the sex industry.” Ira extended her slender finger accusingly at her opponent. “That’s right. The man you see here before you was a male prostitute.”

“Jim,” Hoggins interrupted, “I don’t see how this is relevant--”

“Oh,” Ira chuckled, “it’s very relevant, Bill. Now, I’m a proud proponent of free love and feminism and all that, so I really don’t give a damn what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home.” The dom leaned in closer to the microphone and frowned. “But that’s not the reason I bring this up,” she whispered.

“Jim, can we move on to the next question?” Hoggins asked as sweat now poured down his face.

The moderator completely ignored the politician’s words and nodded for Ira to continue.

“Thanks, Jim,” she retorted.

Ira grabbed the mic off the podium and began to walk around the stage gingerly. “My fellow Arizonians,” she explained. “The reason I bring this up here, in front of you, is because I don’t want my opponent to weasel his way out of these accusations behind a PR team. There’s far too much of that in the political world. No, Bill, I want you to face the music here, in front of our constituents.”

“About what?” Hoggins chuckled awkwardly. “So I was a male prostitute? So what? As you said, all of my clients were consenting adults.”

Ira shot the man an angry look and tightened her grip on the microphone. “That’s not what I’m talking about, and you know it. You see, being the businessman that he is, Mr. Hoggins just had to have his cake and eat it too. He was much more than a prostitute, my friends. He built an entire sex worker empire up there in Vegas.”

“Lies!” Hoggins shrieked. “Jim, can we please get back to the real issues, and not this horrific slander?”

The moderator ignored the politician, but I wasn’t sure if it was because he disagreed or if he was just in shock from Ira’s words.

Hoggins’ face was now beet red, and sweat was pouring down his face. “This is ridiculous,” he huffed. “My fellow Arizonans, Ms. Franklin here is just trying to embarrass me. I’ve done nothing wrong, but she’s slandering my name by trying to make it sound like I’m a criminal. Everything I did was legal across the state border. So what if I ran a business that wasn’t as ‘wholesome’ as most? There are plenty of people in the political world who have done far worse. I don’t know what you’re trying to pull here, Ms. Franklin, but our constituents aren’t going to fall for it.”

Ira’s dom half raised an eyebrow. “Everything you did was legal?” she questioned. “I must ask, then how did some of your workers end up all around the Southwest?”

“That’s not-- They didn’t!” Hoggins growled. “You have no proof. This is all just hearsay.”

“Is it now?” The dom smiled. “Why don’t you stand up and give a little wave to the crowd, girls?”

Right on cue, a group of well-dressed women a few tables over from us stood up.

“These women are all employed by a friend of mine who runs her own business,” Ira explained. “They have revealed some deeply troubling things about their former boss… which would be you, Mr. Hoggins.”

Hoggins crossed his arms angrily. “I’ve never met those women before in my life,” he scoffed, but there was a twinge of fear in his voice.

“I figured you’d say that.” Ira shrugged. “I guess it’s up to the people to decide if you’re guilty or not, even though they all said the same thing about ‘their former boss.’ How he was a tyrant who sometimes would do anything for a buck, including forcing them to get with clients who had diseases or who they were afraid were abusive. Does the name Regan Johnson ring a bell?”

“Jim,” Hoggins pleaded. “Can’t we move on? I think this is terribly unfair. The question was about flip-flopping on Proposition Sixty-Six, not stupid things we all did when we're dumb kids.”

“I agree, Jim.” Ira smiled sinisterly at the moderator. “We should move on to the next question.”

“Damn,” Todd whispered. “She just handled that guy like I handle my schlong.”

“Tenderly and with care, I hope?” I cringed.

“Nope,” Todd continued. “Brutal, unforgiving, and sloppy.”

“I’m really glad we haven’t eaten yet,” I noted with a chuckle.

“Sister Ira hasn’t even begun to tear into this guy yet,” Cupi noted. “That was all just a setup. She’s going to go in for the kill later, once the debate is coming to a close.”

We sat there for another thirty minutes as we watched the dom completely control the debate. Hoggins was rattled from his opponent’s earlier accusation, so he was fumbling through his words and tripping over himself throughout the rest of the debate.

Unfortunately, as much as I was enjoying watching Ira kick this guy’s ass, my mind kept wandering back to what the assassin had said. I wrote Oliver and most especially Jane off my list of suspects then and there. I also didn’t think any of our cultists would have betrayed us. Then again, there were hundreds of members all across the United States, and I imagined that there was no way in hell they were all as thrilled about me taking over as Jane was.

Then my mind drifted to an even stranger thought. What if it was Raphael? The dude was an all-knowing Archangel who claimed to always be watching us, and he was taken out by the spider-demon without much of a fight. He was a total square, but then again, that would have made for the perfect cover.

And then there was Uriel. Something always rubbed me the wrong way about that dude. He was like Raphael, only much more robotic and prude, if that was even possible. But he was currently missing, maybe even captured or killed by the same people that were coming after my friends and me.

The options were endless, and it was driving me crazy thinking about the whole shitty situation. I’ve done my best to be a good friend and a good leader, and now somebody close to me had gone and betrayed me? Somebody who I’ve given everything for has gone off and tried to kill my beloved succubi and me?

Whoever it was, fuck them.

Then another possibility popped into my mind. The spider-demon was a crafty assassin, and he could have easily been lying just to fuck with us.

One way or another, we had to get to the bottom of this whole thing. It felt like it was literally eating away at my very core.

“I must ask, Ms. Franklin,” Bill Hoggins’ voice interrupted my thoughts. “What say you about the accusations of witchcraft? You are always hanging out with Jacob Ralston, a man who is gathering quite the following around these parts, and who has been rumored to dabble in the occult.”

I froze at the accusation, and it looked like everyone at my table became tense, as well. Thankfully, the tension was dissolved immediately when the rest of the room lit up with roaring laughter.

The dom chuckled awkwardly. “I dunno, Bill,” she played along with the crowd. “I’ve heard rumors that I’m best friends with Bigfoot and the Chupacabra, too.”

The crowd was now in stitches, and Hoggins grew angry.

“You all laugh,” he hissed into the microphone and then pointed down in my direction, “but weird stuff seems to follow that man wherever he goes. Las Vegas. San Francisco. Washington, D.C. Hell, even shit here in Phoenix! Ms. Franklin has allied herself with this weirdo, so I must ask you, people of Arizona. Is that the kind of person that you want as your leader? Someone who’s taken in by an occultist?”

The crowd’s laughter died down to a dull chuckle, but the atmosphere of the room still showed that they were skeptical of Hoggins’ claims.

“And I must ask you,” Ira said as a sly grin spread up her face, “what is the age of consent in Nevada? Judging by what I’ve heard, you aren’t too good at math, are you?”

The color again drained from Hoggins’ face, and the crowd went silent. There were a few gasps heard throughout the room, and then whispers.

“That… This is slander!” Hoggins screamed. “I will not stand up here and take this abuse from somebody who wasn’t even a good enough wife to keep the biggest simpleton on the planet satisfied!”

The room filled with gasps once more, followed by angry chatter. Ira held up her hand to silence the crowd.

“Well, Bill,” she explained, “Marvin was a womanizer, through and through. That’s part of the reason I left his sorry ass at the curb when it came out that he was cheating on me. You’d know all about that, though, wouldn’t you?”

“Again with the slander!” Hoggins hissed. “I’ve never once--”

“The secretary at your firm told me much, much differently,” the dom cut the politician off.

The debate was almost over, and it looked like Hoggins was utterly defeated. There were massive bags under his eyes, and he looked like he was sweating like a hog underneath the bright lights of the debate stage.

The moderator asked a few more softball questions, but it was already clear that ‘Ms. Franklin’ had schooled the man.

“... and that’s why I, Bill Hoggins, am not only the best choice but the only choice to represent the seventh district of Arizona,” Hoggins finished and then pointed at Ira. “Ms. Franklin, on the other hand, has shown to be wishy-washy and to care only about her own benefits. When the time comes, I urge the people of Arizona to make the right choice. Thank you.”

“Ms. Franklin, your closing remarks,” the moderator asked the succubus.

“Thank you, Jim.” Ira’s dom half smiled at the man. “People of Arizona, it’s time for a change. Do you really want somebody in office who will use you and abuse you, just like this man has been accused of doing to so many innocent people over the years?”

“No, bro!” Todd called out from his seat.

“Do you want another cookie cutter politician in office who is only going to care about their own personal interests and the interests of their sponsors?” the dom continued.

“No, bro!” Todd called out again, this time joined by several people in the crowd.

“Then vote for me, Maggie Franklin, for your representative for the Arizona seventh district,” she continued. “Together, we will forge a new path, and just like the mythical being it was named after, the city of Phoenix will rise again, to greater heights than it has ever soared! Thank you.”

The crowd erupted in cheers and chants of “Magg-ie, Magg-ie!” Ira’s dom waved to her future constituents and then strutted off the stage. Meanwhile, Hoggins bowed his head and shuffled off in defeat.

“Ira’s gonna make a good politician, bro,” Todd said as he nudged my shoulder. “She just fucked that guy raw.”

“Aruna!” Tris suddenly said from across the table.

“What?” I asked the brunette, just to make sure I was hearing her correctly. “Aruna? What does that have to do with anything?”

“Think about it, Jacob,” Tris continued, “you said you were attacked by a hired assassin with ectoplasm powers. Who else do we know that’s a hired assassin with ectoplasm powers? Aruna!”

Tris put both of her hands up to her head and made a “mind blown” motion.

“We should totally go talk to her and see if she can give us a lead,” the succubus continued.

“Sister Tristitia is right,” Cupi added coyly. “Despite her Sloth-like nature, she occasionally does have moments of brilliance.”

Tris just shrugged. “I blame the weed,” she explained.

“I told you the ‘Mindfucker’ strain made you think on a different existential plane.” Todd snickered.

“Then I guess that’s where we need to start.” I nodded as I picked up my phone, removed Aruna’s business card from my wallet, and then proceeded to dial the number.

It was time we met up with our old Rakshasi assassin.

Chapter 7

“A museum?” Todd sighed as we pulled into the parking garage of the Arizona Museum of Natural History. “This better not be some elaborate trick to get the Toddster to learn, bro.”

“I wouldn’t think of it.” I chuckled as I pulled Shadow into an empty spot. “Besides, I bet you already know more about dinosaurs and shit than the rest of us put together.”

“Bro, bro, bro.” Todd shook his head and clicked his tongue. “Everybody knows that dinosaurs are really just the remains of ancient Lizard people. They just got rearranged so that they looked like inhuman beasts at the demand of the ones that are still around today.”

I killed the ignition and then looked over at the imp. “That’s pretty crazy, Todd,” I mused. “Even for you.”

“Go ahead and laugh.” Todd shrugged and took one final puff of his joint. “But who’ll be the one laughing when they finally reveal themselves as our new overlords? It will be me, cause I told you so. Of course, I won’t be happy that I’m enslaved, but at least I’ll be right.”

“Sure thing, bro.” I chuckled and stepped out of the vehicle. “You know I’m like a demon lord now? Even if there are lizard people, I’m guessing that we are all a few rungs higher on the power ladder.”

“But they are still scary,” Todd said, as he turned invisible.

“You’re not turning human for this mission?” Libidine asked to the space where the imp had just been standing.

“Are you crazy?” Todd’s voice echoed through the parking garage. “They charge twelve bucks a pop to get into this place. That’s twelve dollars that would cover one of my subscriptions to those premium porn sites. I’m gonna stay invisible for this one.”

“Uh, sites?” I asked. “As in plural? How much are you spending on that?”

“That’s for the Toddster to know, and you to find out,” the imp’s voice explained. “On second thought, you probably don’t want to find out. No worries though, bro. I pay for them all using the revenue I get from my blog.”

“You get actual money for that?” I asked curiously.

“It’s not much,” the disembodied voice explained, “but it’s enough to cover my expenses.”

The rest of the women slipped out of the car, and then we all made our way toward the entrance. For this mission, in addition to our core cast of Liby, Cupi, Todd, and me, we had asked Tris and Gula to join us.

The short redheaded succubus had already proven herself an expert in combat against our previous assassin, so it was a no-brainer that we brought her along. Although Aruna had reassured me over the phone that she was currently a free agent, there was a very small chance that we were walking into a trap.

If that was the case, I wanted our most rawly powerful succubus in the mix.

Tris, on the other hand, wasn’t the greatest combatant, but she kept showing signs of brilliance every now and again in between her baked-out hazes. Plus, she could conjure up waves of undead zombies to fight for us, and that was fucking cool. Not to mention, it was her idea to talk to Aruna in the first place. What kind of a dick would I be if I didn’t invite her along?

We walked out of the parking garage and were instantly met with the intense heat from the Arizona sun as it wafted up off the parking lot.

“Good Exalted One,” Tris nearly wheezed. “Of all the places here on Earth Realm, why did you choose to live here? It’s nearly as hot as Hell out here.”

“It’s just a dry heat, Slothy,” Todd explained. “You’ll get used to it in no time.”

“This is why I almost never leave the house.” The Sister of Sloth sighed.

“Cheer up, sister,” Libidine mused as we approached the front of the building. “Soon, we’ll be inside, surrounded by all sorts of cool exhibits and artifacts. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

Tris let out a groan. “That’s what a museum is?” she bemused. “I’m gonna have to learn stuff? My brain is already so tired.”

“See?” Todd added. “I’m not the only one bummed that this is where we chose to meet Aruna.”

“It’s nearly thirty minutes out from our home, and it’s a public place,” I explained. “I just wanted to take some precautions, just in case things go south with the Rakshasi.”

“I think you’ll be fine,” Cupi spoke up. “Aruna is very attracted to you. She said so herself the last time we met, remember?”

“What, you mean that time where she tried to decapitate us all with her chakram?” I laughed.

“She is definitely into you,” Libidine continued. “I’d recognize those looks she was giving you anywhere. Mostly because it’s the ones that were on Cupi’s face the first month that we were together.”

The blonde succubus slapped Liby angrily on the shoulder and shot her sister a dirty look.

“Still,” Gula interrupted, “Aruna is a Rakshasa assassin, and those demons are ridiculously strict when it comes to their code. If somebody hired her to set up a trap for us, it won’t matter if she likes Jacob or not.”

“That’s why you guys are both here.” I smiled at the redhead. “If things end up taking a downturn, I’ve got four of my best warriors here at my side.”

The sound of Todd’s throat clearing echoed from his invisible body.

“Five best warriors,” I corrected.

The exterior of the Arizona Museum of Natural History wasn’t your stereotypical museum architecture with sprawling windows and a chrome and white color scheme. Instead, it looked like the Alamo. The entire front of the building was in the Tuscan style, built from what looked like yellowish-tan stucco and featuring large blocks of empty space that would have normally characterized a Spanish fortress. The sign was fairly plain, as it read Arizona Museum of Natural History in big, red letters.

We walked into the building and looked around at the brown and tan interior.

“Ugh,” Todd’s voice mused. “This isn’t even one of the cool museums if there is such a thing.”

“We needed a place that was public, but not too public,” I explained. “I think this fits the bill nicely.”

We walked up to the counter, paid for our admission with our earnings from Shax, and then entered into the main lobby. The main area of the museum was meant to look like a cross between a rotunda and a Spanish villa, complete with several cool-looking fossils. The roof of the lobby was circular and tall, supported by stucco-style pillars, and it had the same brown and white color scheme as the rest of the place. In the center of the place stood a massive skeleton of a large, elephant-like creature.

“What kind of a conspiracy theory do you have for that mammoth, Todd?” I asked sarcastically as we walked up to the exhibit.

“First off, that’s a mastodon, bro,” the imp’s voice explained. “You can tell by the structure of the skull. And to answer your question, there’s no conspiracy behind these things. They were the ancient ancestors of elephants. Duh.”

“Duh, Jacob.” Libidine giggled in response.

“So they had to kill these beasts themselves?” Gula asked. “Is this like some sort of big-game hunter’s trophy room?”

“No, no,” I explained. “These things have been dead for a long, long time. Millions of years, actually. They’re fossils.”

“Fossils?” Tris asked curiously. “So like, preserved remains of living organisms from billions of years ago that were discovered and then reassembled?”

“Yes,” I mused. “That’s exactly what they were.”

“I caught a documentary on paleontology the other day while you guys were out with the cult,” the brunette admitted.

“Speaking of the cult,” Cupi chimed in, “the nerve of that asshole yesterday! Trying to discredit Ira by pulling you into the debate like that.”

I just shrugged. “I mean, he wasn’t lying,” I admitted. “Luckily for us, the general population still doesn’t believe in demons or the occult like we do.”

“Which is a damn shame.” Todd sighed. “Imagine what the world would be like if everyone could harness the powers of Heaven or Hell just like our little troupe can.”

“Mortals with Demonic and Divine Powers?” Libidine gasped. “It’d be mass chaos.”

“I know!” Todd giggled. “It’d be beautiful.”

“Where are we supposed to meet Aruna, anyway?” Cupi said as she tried to get the conversation back on track.

“The Mesoamerica Gallery,” I explained. “She said that would look the least inconspicuous.”

“It also probably makes her feel like home,” Todd added.

“Rakshasa are from Indian folklore, Todd…” I corrected.

“Well, duh,” the imp retorted. “Isn’t that where we’re going?”

I put my hand over my face in shame. “You really needed to pay more attention in school, bro.”

“Maybe if we had some of those hottie-pants teachers like I saw on the internet today, I would have paid more attention,” he admitted. “Our history teacher was, like, seventy years old. And I don’t remember any of them asking us to stay behind for any sort of ‘extra credit’ assignments.”

There was an awkward silence as we continued toward the Mesoamerica Gallery.

“You’re comparing our teachers to the ones you see in porn, aren’t you?” I finally asked.

“Whaaaaaat?” Todd’s voice said with mock innocence. “Never.”

We walked for a few minutes and then finally passed through the threshold leading to the Mesoamerican exhibit. This portion of the museum was a stark contrast to the rest of the place, and it almost looked like it was a completely different building.

The walls were painted with a bright orangish-red, similar to the color scheme of an ancient Mesoamerican temple. Likewise, they were designed to look like they were made of some sort of volcanic rock. All around us stood glass cases on pedestals that housed artifacts from thousands of years ago.

“You know,” Gula mused as we walked past a few of the exhibits, “this place makes me kinda feel like home.”

“Agreed,” Cupi added and then turned to explain. “Obviously, there’s a lot of fire and brimstone down in the underworld. Any and all structures have to be built from that super-hot rock, just as it appears your ancient ancestors had to do.”

“It’s not red, though.” Libidine sighed. “This is far too much color for our dwellings in Hell.”

There were a few empty benches near the far side of the exhibit, so the six of us ventured over and sat down. These things were creaky and old, but they still provided us with a place to relax, and that was all one could ask for.

We sat there waiting for nearly an hour. There weren’t a ton of people coming through the museum on a weekday afternoon, but none of them seemed to be Aruna.

“Do you think she set us up?” Cupi asked cautiously. “We were supposed to meet here at noon, and it’s nearly one-thirty.”

“Of course not,” I comforted the succubus. “She’ll be here.”

In the back of my mind, however, I was starting to get a little concerned.

A small group of elementary school students on tour passed by us, and one of them moved away from our group and walked over to us. The little girl smiled up at me and stuck out her hand.

“Oh, no,” I said soothingly. “You should probably get back over there with your group. You don’t wanna get lost in this big, scary place.”

“That’s the least of my worries,” the kid said slyly.

The child’s body was engulfed by a black ectoplasmic substance, and then it began to stretch and contort. After a moment, the magical substance subsided, and there stood Aruna.

“Good to see you again, Jacob.” The Rakshasi grinned.

The assassin was wearing a simple outfit, but one that was stunning none the less. She wore a skin-tight long-sleeved black shirt that hugged her curves like a second skin. The shirt was tucked into a long, colorful skirt at the Rakshasi’s waistline that cascaded down her lower body like a waterfall full of flowers. Her dark hair was pulled back into a messy bun behind her head, but it still glowed radiantly in the light of the exhibit space.

Needless to say, Aruna looked sexy as ever.

“I’m sorry I took so long to get here,” she apologized. “I was trying to blend in with that group of kids, and the chaperone kept chasing after me every time I tried to sneak away. On the plus side, I have learned much about the wonders of the natural world.”

“I like talking to you when you’re not trying to kill us,” I joked. “You’re a lot more lighthearted.”

The assassin shrugged and then took a seat beside me with a smile. “What can I say? When you work in a profession such as mine, always surrounded by death, you need to lighten the mood a little bit every now and again, or else you’ll go crazy. Now, shall we discuss payment?”

“Ah, yes,” I said as I reached into my pocket and pulled out my wallet. “Where are my manners?”

I handed the Rakshasi a handful of twenties.

“Three hundred should be enough for a simple Q&A, right?” I asked hopefully.

Aruna flipped through the bills to make sure they were all there, slid them into her dress, and then nodded. “You’re lucky I offer a discount for those who I respect,” she purred. “My normal rate is one-thousand per hour, but you defeated me in battle. That alone earns you at least a fifty percent rate.”

“So if I defeat you again, the rate will go even lower?” I flirted back at the assassin.

Aruna’s eyes narrowed, and a devilish grin spread up her face. “Don’t push your luck, handsome,” she warned. “I’m still a Rakshasi with a strict code of rules to which I must abide.”

“Yeesh,” Todd’s voice interrupted. “Enough with the lovey-dovey crap. Get to the point, Jakey!”

Aruna jumped to her feet and whipped out the katar that was hidden on her person. She pointed the tip of the weapon directly in the direction of the invisible imp, and he let out a small shriek of terror.

“Easy.” I put my hands up into the air to calm Aruna down. “It’s just Todd.”

Aruna’s body relaxed, and then she slipped the katar back into her belt. “You should know better than to try to surprise a Rakshasi,” she warned. “I could have easily taken your brain out of your skull.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Todd’s voice noted through shaky vocal cords. “It won’t happen again.”

“Todd is right, though,” Cupi spoke up. “We didn’t hire you just so that you could flirt with Jacob.”

“Well, damn,” Aruna mused. “You could have fooled me.”

“I know this is going to be hard to believe,” I started, “but somebody wants us dead.”

Aruna put her hand against her chest and then opened her mouth sarcastically. “No,” she mocked. “Do elaborate.”

“There were these two twins that showed up at my cult’s headquarters, dressed like Mormons,” I explained. “Only once they were inside, they fused together to create this freaky spider-demon thing.”

“Ah!” Aruna nodded. “You met Ai Apaec. Or Aiep, as we assassins like to call him.”

“So you are familiar with this assassin?” Libidine asked hopefully.

“Of course I am,” the Rakshasi shot back. “I know all the assassins of the paranormal world. Mostly because I’m better than all of them, and they know it. Aiep was one of the… more worthy assassins for hire and one of the most brutal. You must have really pissed off whoever hired him if they wanted you that dead.”

“That’s what I’m hoping you can help us with,” I explained. “We have no idea who hired this guy, but before he died, he told us that it was somebody ‘near and dear to our hearts.’”

“The plot thickens,” Aruna purred.

“Do you have any idea if what he said is trustworthy?” I asked. “Or was he just trying to fuck with us? And if not, can you help us figure out who’s behind all of this?”

Aruna frowned. “Of course I can,” she explained, “but unfortunately, even with your loyalty discount, a detective mission is going to cost an awful lot more than three hundred dollars.”

“How much are we talking?” I sighed. “A thousand? Two thousand?”

Aruna scoffed, turned away, and began to head toward the door. A few feet away, she spun around and pointed a finger at me accusingly.

“Two thousand?” The Rakshasi laughed sarcastically. “Please don’t insult me. My going rate is at least ten thousand for simple missions, and this will certainly not be a simple mission.”

“I really wish Sister Superbia was here.” Tris sighed. “She’d know how to negotiate the price down, and then maybe I could be laying at home on the couch right now.”

“Quiet, Tristitia,” Gula hissed. “Let Jacob work his magic.”

“Look, Aruna, we’re not exactly what you’d call wealthy,” I fibbed. “Is there any way we could negotiate the price?”

“That’s rich,” Aruna sneered. “You own your own strip club, and rumor has it you’ve just come into a bunch of money via the death of Shax.”

“Well, that’s where you’re wrong,” I continued. “Sure, we have a little bit of a nest egg from that fucker in Canada, but with all the expenses we’ve taken on in the last year, we’ll be lucky to turn in much of a profit, if anything at all. The cult, the remodel of our home, the renovations to the Velvet Lips, and that New Age shop we just inherited are all draining us dry.”

“That’s tough,” Aruna shrugged, “but I’m not going to be working for free.”

“And I would never ask you to,” I huffed back at the Rakshasi. “I’m just telling you that we don’t have a ton of money to offer at the moment. We could do a ‘half now, half later’ sort of thing.”

“I wasn’t born yesterday,” the assassin scoffed. “I’m… Well, a lady never reveals her age, but I certainly have been around long enough to understand what that means.”

“What does it mean?” I asked coyly. “We pay you the first half now, and then once we figure out who is trying to kill us, we give you the rest. Think about it, Aruna. Every time one of these assholes comes after us, what happens? They destroy our home, they break shit at our cult’s headquarters, they create PR nightmares for my friends and me… That’s a lot of money that we have to funnel into cleaning up the mess.”

The Rakshasi shrugged. “I don’t see how that’s my problem,” she argued. “You either have the money to hire me, or you don’t.”

“We can do five thousand,” I offered. “That’s about the best we can do. I can’t promise that there won’t be any action involved, but it should be as simple a task as shaking down your contacts for info.”

Aruna folded her arms over her chest and frowned. “Ten,” she demanded.

“Six,” I shot back.

“Nine,” she wavered but didn’t break. “Even though you claim it’s a simple espionage mission, I know better. Heads will have to roll at some point in the equation. If I’m putting my life in danger, I’m not doing it for peanuts.”

“Nice story,” I whistled. “I’d almost believe it if you were a regular ol’ assassin… but you’re a Rakshasi. You’ve told me yourself that you’ve never been beaten before and that you love the thrill of the chase.”

The corner of Aruna’s mouth twitched up into a small smile. “You’re very observant, Jacob,” she purred. “I’ll do it for seven. That’s my final offer.”

I stood up and outstretched my hand to the Rakshasi. “Deal,” I said as we shook on it. “All upfront, or is half and half okay?”

“That’s not even a question.” She chuckled. “I want it as soon as possible, but if you’re really struggling so hard, then I’ll give you a little bit more time to figure it out.”

“You know,” Libidine cooed, “if you really wanted Jacob’s wealth and power, you’d join up with our group. He is a kind and generous soul, and he always makes sure we have everything we could ever want. Not to mention, he’s a very, very generous lover.”

Aruna raised an eyebrow at the succubus. “Join your Jacob Ralston fan club?” she snorted. “Don’t you already have enough members of that?”

“There’s always room for one more,” Liby flirted with the Rakshasi.

The assassin rolled her eyes, but I could tell she was holding back a smile. “As tempting as that sounds, I’m gonna pass,” she explained. “Even though it would be nice to be with a man who satisfies all of my needs, both monetary and… otherwise.”

“She take my money, when I’m in need…” Todd’s voice began to sing in the background.

“So I’ll take that as a ‘maybe,’ then.” I grinned at the Rakshasi.

I knew I was brazenly flirting with Aruna, but I couldn’t help it. She was dark, mysterious, bold, and badass. Just my type of woman.

“We’ll see, Jacob,” she nodded, “but for now, let’s just strictly keep this relationship as a professional one.”

There was a sudden chattering of high-pitched voices as a group of children entered the room. The adult at the front of the group looked like he was about as unenthusiastic as one could be as he directed the children toward the artifacts in the room.

“... Let me hear that back,” Todd’s voice finally finished. “Ohhh, is this the part where Aruna goes all superspy badass, shapeshifts, and then melds back into the crowd unnoticed?”

“Actually,” the Rakshasi said as her eyes narrowed, “that’s not my group, and I swear I’ve seen that man before.” Aruna’s face went cold, and she quickly reached down into her belt.

Instantly, I grabbed her wrist. “Easy there, Aruna,” I warned. “There’s no need to splatter some dude’s blood all over the museum just because you think he looks familiar.”

“You don’t understand,” the Rakshasi hissed. “If that’s who I think it is, we have to strike now!”

“Who do think it is?” I implored. “Another demon--”

Before I could finish my sentence, there was a loud pop, and then a flash of blue Hellfire. I turned my head around slowly to see a bullet directly beside my face, suspended in the air by Cupi’s freezing spell.

Aruna broke out of my grip, spun her body around, and then launched her chakram at the man at the head of the group. Our assailant reached out with his hand and caught the projectile. Instead of losing his hand in a spray of blood, he halted the chakram’s momentum instantly without taking any damage.

“Good to see you, Aruna,” he mused with his buttery-smooth voice as he motioned to the gun in his other hand. “I see you’re still sticking with the tired and true methods of your Rakshasi species. Personally, I’ve moved on to modern weapons. They get things done a lot quicker and usually with a lot less of a mess.”

“Who the fuck are you?” I demanded as I summoned red Hellfire into my hand. “Another fuckwit of an assassin?”

“Oh, where are my manners?” the man mocked. “You’ll have to forgive me. Normally my targets don’t live long enough to talk back. My name is Azar.”

As the man spoke, his skin began to bubble. His body then began to contort into a much younger, athletic frame. The assassin was now wearing a tight maroon shirt with a mid-sized leather jacket over that, and his outfit was completed by a pair of slim-fit black jeans. His hair was jet-black, and the features on his face were almost elvish in nature. Most jarring, however, was his black skin with bright red tattoos.

“I’m not just ‘a demonic assassin,’” Azar explained. “I’m the demonic assassin. And these guys…”

Azar motioned to the children, and their bodies began to contort and twist in ungodly ways. A second later, the assassin was standing in front of a small army of tiny black demons with bright red eyes and tattoos that matched the leather-bound bastard.

“... are my assistants,” he finished. “You’ll find they are much, much deadlier than they look.”

Chapter 8

“Deadlier than they look?” I scoffed. “They don’t look any different from any other demonic minions we’ve ever killed.”

“Wooooow, bro,” Todd gasped. “Not cool.”

“You know what I mean,” I reassured the imp.

“Look, Jacob.” Azar sighed. “As Aruna here can probably confirm, I’m a huge talker, but for right now, I’m just gonna get right down to business, okay? The sooner I get you in a body bag, the sooner I can bag that three million.”

Azar raised his pistol up to his eye and fired off another volley.

This time, I was prepared and caught the bullets with my green Hellfire. Unfortunately, I was pretty sure this is what he wanted because the next thing I knew our assailant’s minions had closed the gap on us.

Without a care, Aruna roundhouse-kicked the little fuckers out of the way and then began to rush Azar.

At the same time, flashes of red and yellow Hellfire blasted out from my friends into the small crowd of demons. There were a few screams of pain as the spells hit their mark, and a bunch of the tiny bastards tumbled to the ground like rolling balls of flaming toilet paper.

A few more gunshots rang out, but Aruna gracefully dodged the enchanted bullets and then somersaulted into the air. She came down feet first and drove her heels directly into the assassin’s face. Azar let out a grunt and tumbled backward, but then he got up no worse for wear.

I began to blast at the little black and red demons with my own crimson Hellfire and slowly made my way back to where my friends were standing.

“You guys know this song and dance,” I explained over the sound of demonic hisses and Hellfire swishing past my body. “Liby, I want you on crowd control. Cupi, you need to try to get these little guys into position so that Gula can take them all out with one fell swoop. Todd and Tris? I don’t know what you guys should do, but I’m putting you together. I know both of your reefer-fueled minds will figure something out.”

“Yes, sir!” Todd exclaimed and reappeared beside us. “The Dynamic Doobie Duo is on the case.”

The imp motioned for Tris to come closer, and then he whispered something into her ear. The brunette giggled joyously, bent down, and then Todd hopped onto her back. She sprouted her large, bat-like wings and then took off like a rocket across the museum.

“Where the fuck are they going?” Gula demanded. “The battle’s right here!”

“Just trust them, alright?” I reassured the succubus and pulled out my goat-headed dagger. “When Todd’s got an idea, it’s usually go big or go home.”

I blasted another one of the small demons with red Hellfire, and then I moved my hand across the blade. Instantly, the steel began to glow, and then it extended to form a cutlass-shaped blade of pure Hellfire.

Meanwhile, Libidine had grown out her wings and flown up to the ceiling. The dark-haired succubus was now zipping back and forth, strafing the demons below with handfuls of enchanted spears.

I looked over at the two remaining succubi. Gula had conjured up her battle axe, and Cupi had somehow produced the polearm that she had been gifted from the cult headquarters. How she got it in here, I had no idea, but there were some questions best left unasked. They both nodded and then we charged.

Cupi and Gula went off to the left and cleaved through the tiny demons as they ran. Another grunt of pain rang out through the exhibit hall, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a few of the little fuckers tossed into the air.

My friends could handle the grunts. I was going to help Aruna.

The Rakshasi and Azar were locked in hand-to-hand combat. With one hand, the assassin in the leather coat was lashing out at Aruna with her own chakram. With the other, he was trying to get enough space between them so that he could get a clear shot in with his pistol.

That wasn’t gonna happen.

A few of the small demons tried to swipe at me as I ran, but I made short work of them with a few blasts of Hellfire in rapid succession. Once I got closer to Aruna and Azar, I reached out with my green Hellfire and picked up one of the concrete pedestals. The pillar wasn’t super heavy, but it was still definitely not something you wanted smashing into your head at a high velocity.

Aruna must have caught my drift, because she fell backward onto the ground, pulled her feet up into her chest, and then launched Azar a foot or two into the air with a double-legged kick.

Right as Azar reached the peak of his ascent, I moved my glowing fist and launched the pedestal right at him. It smashed into the leather-clad man right in his chest, and his body went flying back through the room. There was the sound of shattering glass as he knocked over a bunch of displays before he finally came to a halt against the far wall. Most importantly, though, was the fact that his pistol and Aruna’s chakram were now laying a few feet from his body.

Aruna reached out with her left hand and summoned her weapon back to her. At the same time, I used my emerald Hellfire to pull the enchanted pistol into my hand. That was when one of the tiny demons screeched and jumped up into the air in front of me. I hit him dead on with a swipe of my enchanted sword, but it did little but knock the little guy out of the way.

“Why are these fuckers so hard to kill?” I asked the Rakshasi.

“They’re Daeva, Jacob,” she explained as if this were common knowledge. “They’re very thick skinned. As you may have already discovered, blades can’t pierce through their hide unless they are traveling at high velocities.”

The Daeva I had knocked away charged at us once again, and I raised the sight of the pistol in front of my eye.

It’d been a very, very long time since I’d actually fired one of these things. When you have powerful Demonic and Divine magic, you don’t really need human weaponry. Luckily, I’d had plenty of training from my dad back at the gun range near my house.

I squeezed the trigger, and there was a loud pop as the bullet exited the muzzle. A gory hole instantly appeared between the Daeva’s eyes, and bits of his brain matter splattered across the floor behind him like a tossed bowl of spaghetti. The demon’s eyes rolled back in his head, and he fell down to the ground, dead.

I could actually get used to this.

The pistol began to glow with black ectoplasm, and then it started to be tugged out of my hand as if it were attached to an invisible string. I fought against the assassin’s magic for a second, but it was too much for my regular grip, and the gun flew through the air and landed back in its owner’s possession.

“Haven’t you ever heard that you shouldn’t take things that don’t belong to you?” Azar hissed and fired off a few rounds.

I tossed up a purple shield in front of us, and the Hellfire seemed to disintegrate the enchanted bullets as they struck. Normally, this was where I would drop my shield and counterattack with a spell of my own, but this guy was relentless. There was only a split-second break between rounds of fire, and he seemed to be reloading the pistol at lightning-fast speed.

“We’ve gotta get that gun out of his hand,” I demanded to Aruna.

“Way ahead of you, Jacob.” The Rakshasi nodded and then pointed up at the ceiling.

I understood what the assassin meant, so I changed my sword back into a dagger, sheathed it, and then raised my right hand up at an angle. There was a flash of purple flames as I created a small angled platform in the spot Aruna had been pointing, and then I gave her a quick nod.

Then Aruna spun around and launched her chakram at the makeshift shield. The weapon hit the violet fire, and the angle of the platform caused the chakram to ricochet directly at Azar. The spinning disk of death struck the unlucky bastard in the hand and knocked his gun across the room.

I released my wall of Hellfire and instantly retaliated with a massive fireball of red. Azar tried to cartwheel out of the way, but my attack was able to catch the bottom of his left leg and caused his body to spin around like an out-of-control top. Before he could reorient himself, Aruna lobbed a ball of black ectoplasm at Azar.

The gooey magic substance struck the assassin in the chest and pinned him down onto the ground.

“Make him suffer, Jacob,” Aruna growled. “My weapons will do no damage.”

I clapped my hands together, summoned a massive inferno of red Hellfire all around my body, and then funneled it into a beam of molten magma directly at Azar. The blast lit up the fucker like a fleshy firework, and sparks of red sprayed all around the room. I held the attack at full power for another few seconds, and then I released. Once the shimmer of the magic subsided, there stood Azar, still alive and well.

Well, maybe not well. The demonic assassin had burn marks all over his skin, and his jacket was burnt at the edges, but he was still very much in one piece.

“You’ll have to try harder than that,” he growled as his hands began to glow with black ectoplasm. “Us Deava don’t go down that easily.”

Azar shot a glob of the ectoplasm in our direction, but Aruna and I were quick to dodge. The blob of goo landed on the ground behind us and then sizzled. Suddenly, the scent of hot metal filled the air of the museum.

This fucker’s spirit magic appeared to be similar to molten lava.

Azar hauled back his fist to unleash another blob of sizzling magic, but I was much faster than this asshole. Right as the demon’s hand opened to release his spell, I threw up a wall of purple Hellfire in front of his position. The molten ectoplasm struck the shield and then splattered back onto Azar’s chest and upper torso.

The assassin shrieked in pain as he grabbed at the goo on his face and stumbled backward.

Not wanting to waste the opportunity, I cast a spell of emerald fire over a few nearby pedestals. I picked up the large white beams with my magic, then slammed my hands together. The pillars both mimicked my motion and flew into Azar’s sides like a deadly vice. The stone pedestals shattered upon impact, but they disoriented my target long enough to allow the ectoplasm to do some more damage.

Azar finally managed to toss the sizzling goop off his head, and his face looked gnarly as fuck. There were now puss-filled welts all over the right side of his ugly mug, and it looked like there was a small hole in the side of his cheek.

“My face!” the assassin hissed. “Look what you’ve done to my face, assho--”

Aruna’s foot struck Azar in the stomach and turned the whiny bastard’s words into a grunt of pain. The assassin took a swing at the Rakshasi, but she was too swift. Aruna uppercutted the leather-bound assassin, grabbed him by the sides of his burnt face, and then brought his head down into her knee. While he was still dazed, Aruna twirled her body around and slashed Azar in the face with her chakram. She continued her brutal assault, but it looked like it was doing little more than dazing the assassin.

Finally, Azar’s hand glowed with the ectoplasmic substance, and his gun flew back into his hand.

Then he thrust it up into Aruna’s gut and squeezed the trigger.

I only had a split second to act, but I was able to get up a green portal in time. The fucker’s shot zipped through time and space and then reappeared out of a second portal directly behind him. An enchanted bullet blasted downward into Azar’s calf, and there was a spray of blood on the floor as his tibia and fibula shattered.

Azar let out a blood-curdling scream and fell to one knee in agony. He raised both of his fists into the air, summoned ectoplasm, and then slammed them into the floor. The simmering goop began to spread across the floor like flowing lava.

Aruna backflipped out of the way of the attack, ran back to me, and then grabbed my arm.

“What are you doing?” I demanded. “I can stop it with my--”

“Spiritual magic overrides Hellfire, remember?” the Rakshasi explained. “We’ve been over this before.”

The two of us dashed backward, back to where Liby, Cupi, and Gula were still fighting off the Daeva.

Libidine was still hovering above the small crowd and firing off handfuls of yellow spears. Meanwhile, both of her sisters were engaged in hand-to-hand combat with the demons. A few Daeva bodies were lying lifeless on the ground, but there was still plenty of the group still kicking, as resilient as Aruna said they were.

“We’ve got incoming fire, guys!” I warned. “Literally.”

Cupi knocked a few of the black-and-red demons away with her polearm and then used her weapon to push herself into the air. As she did so, her dark angel wings sprouted and pulled her out of the path of the incoming lava. Gula was kicking up several of the Daeva with her battle axe and creating what almost looked like a wave of bodies. She jumped up, summoned forth her wings, and got out of the way.

I summoned a large platform of violet flames in front of Aruna and myself, and we hopped up to safety. A few of the little fuckers tried to hitch a ride on our floating island but were quickly dispelled by Aruna’s foot.

A quick look around the room told me that this stuff was serious business. The pedestals that housed the museum’s artifacts began to melt from the intense heat and sink into the ectoplasm like a deflated buoy. The Daeva began to howl in pain as the molten ectoplasm engulfed their lower bodies, but none of them seemed to be dying. Suddenly, their shrieks of pain morphed into uproarious laughter. These assholes were just fucking with us.

“Cupi,” I commanded. “Give these motherfuckers something to laugh about.”

The blonde succubus nodded and then unleashed a wave of blue Hellfire down on a few of the Daeva. Their eyes went wide as they were frozen in place. The next thing I knew, their heads were shattered into a million pieces by Aruna’s chakram. The flying disk made a pass around the room and then flew back into the assassin’s hand.

“So there is something that can break through that thick hide of theirs,” the Rakshasi mused.

Another series of gunfire exploded through the air, and I had to use my free hand to dispel a slew of incoming bullets with my jade magic. The enchanted projectiles appeared through a portal in the ceiling and rained down on the Daeva. A few of the tiny demons were able to dodge the attack, but the rest weren’t so lucky. The bullets tore through their skulls, and their brain matter exploded out the back of their heads and sizzled when it hit the molten lava below.

To finish off the little assholes, Cupi darted through the air and blasted the tiny demons with her freezing spell. Immediately afterward, Gula zipped past and lopped off their torsos with her glowing battle axe.

Off in the distance, a booming thundering noise rattled the floors and walls, and with every boom, it sounded like it was growing closer and closer. Suddenly, the wall behind Azar was smashed into oblivion. The man in the leather jacket dodged out of the way of the falling debris and was forced to release his spell. The floor returned to normal, and Aruna and I were able to jump back on the ground to safety.

There was a beastly sound that was similar to that of a trumpet, and I looked over at the chaotic scene. As the dust and debris settled, I finally got a clear look at what was the source of the sound.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” I half-joked.

There, standing in the rubble of the broken wall, was a fucking Wooly Mammoth. The creature was somehow even more massive than his skeleton, probably because it now had zombified flesh clinging to its frame, and he was encased with orange Hellfire.

There, on top of his mangy figure, sat Todd and Tris. The succubus was holding a pistol in her hands, and Todd had a comically large bone laid across his shoulder.

“The cavalry has arrived, bro!” the imp yelled from across the room and then pointed forward with the bone. “Charge!”

The mammoth let out another trumpet and then began to barrel its way toward Azar.

The assassin had a look of pure terror in his eyes as the creature approached. He fired off a few rounds of enchanted bullets at the lumbering beast, but they did nothing but bounce off like pieces of hail on concrete. The mammoth finally reached the limping Azar, reared its head to the side, and the struck the assassin with its massive tusk.

The fucker in the leather coat tumbled through the air like a ragdoll and then smashed into the lava stone wall. He finally fell to the ground and went limp.

Todd continued his charge over to our side, and then he and Tris leapt off the mammoth. The imp landed with his hands in the air like some sort of gymnast pose, and then he readied his makeshift club.

“Fore!” he cackled as he swung the bone and smashed one of the Daeva in the face. The tiny tattooed demon was tossed up into the air where he was then finished off with a bullet from Tris’ pistol.

Meanwhile, the rampaging mammoth reared up and stomped at the Deava. With each stomp, its gigantic feet turned our enemies into nothing more than messy heaps of gore and bones.

Cupi and Gula made one final sweep of the room, and the last Daeva’s frozen body shattered under the heavy blade of the redhead’s axe.

“Did you just reanimate a fucking mammoth?” I asked in disbelief.

“Well, Slothy did, but we sure as fuck did.” Todd smiled and patted the creature on the leg. “Can we keep him, Jakey? I’m sure he’s house-trained.”

“Sorry, Todd.” Tris sighed. “He’s going to turn back into a fossil as soon as I release my spell.”

“Well that’s a bummer,” Todd said with a frown. “I’ve always wanted a pet mammoth.”

“No you haven’t,” I argued, but I was still dumbfounded. “I can’t believe you literally brought back an entire mammoth.”

“What?” Tris shrugged. “I figured it was a lot less work to bring back one large creature rather than hundreds of smaller ones.”

“It was either this guy or the T-Rex,” Todd explained, “but I’ve seen how that movie ends when Jeff Goldblum isn’t in the cast.”

“But…” I stuttered. “How did you, bring something back with just its bones? Doesn’t a zombie have to be freshly killed or turned or--”

Todd made a shushing sound to cut me off. “Don’t think too hard about it, bro,” he chuckled. “Life, uh, found a way.”

A gurgling cough from off in the corner made me realize that we weren’t quite done yet. The seven of us walked over to the downed assassin, weapons at the ready. Azar just looked up at us, chuckled, and then spat blood out onto the floor.

“I’m flattered.” He coughed through bloody mouthfuls. “I’m on the verge of death, and you’re still keeping on your toes. I must admit, bringing an extinct animal back to life? That’s a new one, even for--”

Azar’s words were cut off by a swift punch to the face from Gula.

“That’s for trying to kill my friends, asshole,” she hissed.

“Oooh,” Azar mused, “she’s quite the firecracker, isn’t she?”

“Why are the other Daeva involved in this, Azar?” Aruna demanded as she crouched down to eye level. “You’ve always made it quite clear that you work alone. Why the sudden change of heart?”

“What?” The assassin grinned. “Can’t a Daeva just want to include his brethren in his career? Maybe I was just giving some down on their luck demons some work.”

“Snarky, even at the end.” Aruna sighed. “You and I have a long history, Azar. Please don’t make me torture the information out of you.”

“That’d be the noblest of deaths, wouldn’t it?” Azar chuckled. “Killed by Aruna, the legendary Rakshasi who has never been defeated in battle.”

“Defeated in battle once,” the Rakshasi corrected.

Azar looked over at me in shock and then back at Aruna. “No…?” he gasped through his collapsing airway.

“Yes.” Aruna nodded. “Jacob now has the distinction of defeating not one, but two of the universe’s greatest assassins in battle.”

“This is rich,” the assassin gurgled and looked over at me. “He really was right about you.”

I summoned red Hellfire into my hand and then grabbed the assassin’s forehead. The sound of Azar’s screams mingled in the air with the stench of burning flesh.

“Stop being cute,” I growled. “Who is ‘he?’ Who hired you?”

“Go to Hell, Ralston,” Azar grimaced through gritted teeth. “It’s where you belong.”

“Tell me who hired you!” I screamed at the assassin. “Tell me, and this can all be over.”

“You’re gonna shit a brick when you find out,” he continued. “I just wish I was there to see it.”

I increased the intensity of my Hellfire, and Azar screamed louder.

“You’re going to kill him, Jacob!” Libidine gasped.

“If he’s not going to talk,” I explained, “that’s the point.”

I released my spell and pulled back my hand. Azar’s head drooped downward, now completely burnt. His breaths appeared to be shallow as he raised his head up to meet my eyes.

Then he spat blood in my face.

My core burned with rage, and a dull throbbing sensation came to my temples. I summoned Divine light into my right hand, grabbed Azar by the face, and then unleashed it all at point-blank range.

There was a blinding white shimmer as the assassin’s flesh was melted off his bones, but it didn’t stop there. Once his flesh and muscle were disintegrated, the Divine light turned Azar’s skull into a pile of ash.

I released my spell, and the headless body of our assailant fell to the ground.

“I’m not gonna lie,” Gula whistled. “That was kinda hot.”

“Kinda?” Cupi added. “I wish I could fuck Jacob right now. Blood-soaked and everything.”

The loving words of my women cooled the rage that burned in my soul, and I took a deep breath to steady my nerves.

“I appreciate the thoughts, girls,” I joked, “but we need to get the fuck out of here before the cops show up.”

“Sorry, Todd.” Tris frowned and pointed at the mammoth. “Looks like this is the end of the line for our friend here.”

The imp walked over, picked up Azar’s pistol and then approached the beast. “No, no,” he sniffled, “I’ll do it. He’s my mammoth.”

“You don’t have to shoot him,” the brunette succubus said with a chuckle. “I just have to dispel my magic, and…”

Tris summoned orange Hellfire into her hands and then waved them in front of her face. Instantly, the fire disappeared from the body of the mammoth, and his flesh disappeared into thin air. All that remained were his bones, still delicately arranged into the display that we’d seen when we first walked in.

Todd fell to his knees and sobbed. “He was such a good boy,” he cried.

Tris walked over to the imp and patted him on the head. “There, there,” she comforted Todd. “He was a zombie, anyway. Our entire mansion would have reeked of rotting flesh, and I know for a fact that neither of us wants to clean up mammoth shit.”

“I guess you’re right,” Todd said as he stood back up and held out Azar’s pistol. “Here, Slothy. I know these are more your style.”

Tris nodded, grabbed the enchanted pistol, and weighed it in her hands. Then, she pulled out her own gun, inspected it, and tossed it to the side.

“This one is a major upgrade,” she explained as she holstered Azar’s weapon on her belt. “Much better firing rate, which means less trigger pulls for moi.”

“Let’s get out of here.” I motioned to my friends, and then we started to head for the exit.

We made our way through the ruins of the Mesoamerican exhibit, back out through the lobby, and then to the parking garage. The succubi and Todd slipped into the cabin of Shadow, but not Aruna.

“You’re not coming with us?” I asked the Rakshasi.

“Unfortunately not.” The assassin’s sigh was more wistful and longing that I think she intended. “There is still much investigating that needs to be done. That is unless you want to pay me overtime…?”

I put up my hands in defeat. “Say no more,” I conceded. “You’ll call when you find something?”

“Something like that.” Aruna winked. “More likely, I’ll show up at your mansion unannounced. It’s more fun that way.”

The Rakshasi gave me a playful smile, and then her body was encased with black ectoplasm. Her features began to stretch, contort, and flatten, and then a completely different woman was standing in front of me. She waved and then turned away and strutted off into the night. I watched Aruna for as long as I could, and then I opened the door of the Jeep and hopped up into the driver’s seat.

“What do we do now, bro?” Todd asked. “We didn’t really get much out of that whole excursion.”

“We’re heading to the Velvet Lips,” I explained. “And you’re one-hundred percent wrong about us not getting anything. We got Aruna’s loyalty.”

Chapter 9

“Ahhh, the Velvet Lips!” Todd sighed as we pulled into the parking lot of our strip club. “This place was like Heaven on Earth before, but now that we’re the owners, the Toddster gets all sorts of special attention from the ladies.”

“I thought you were saving yourself for that redhead back in Kansas?” I asked coyly and turned off the vehicle.

Todd crossed his arms and nodded. “Of course, bro,” he explained. “You may as well call me Huey Lewis because that woman made me feel the power of love. But… it’s always nice to know you’re loved. Especially when that love comes from women who take their clothes off for a living.”

Todd’s red skin began to bubble, and then it faded into a regular skin tone. The imp’s arms and legs stretched out as his horns regressed into his skull and his facial features became more human. Finally, the blond goatee sprouted out of the imp’s chin, and his transformation into a human was complete.

“Touche,” I admitted as Todd, the succubi, and I headed toward the entrance. Even though I was fully committed to my succubi, the imp was right. It did feel nice to be treated like a celebrity every time we showed up here.

Under Sia’s guidance, the Velvet Lips Gentlemen’s Club had changed a lot. The facade on the front used to look about as sleazy as you could get, with a red neon sign that had the silhouette of a stripper gliding up and down a pole. It was one of those cheap signs that made a loud humming noise and illuminated the entire parking lot with a sickly crimson glow. The entire exterior of the original club was a faded gray, with windows that were so tinted that they made a black hole look subtle. It wasn’t exactly welcoming.

Now, the building was much more fitting for a classy institution such as this one. Gone were all traces of neon and tacky gray siding. Instead, the structure was made to look like it was constructed out of bright red brick, complete with an even darker red roof. The sign was now simplified to the words “Velvet Lips Gentlemen’s Club” in black on a white background, with a pair of voluptuous red lips immediately on the right. It was simple, indicative, and to the point. It was the middle of a weekday, but the parking lot was nearly overflowing.

“Sister Superbia has really done a number on this place,” Libidine mused. “I can’t wait to see how it is on the inside!”

“It’s surely much better than when it was under the ownership of Zepar,” Cupi added. “Superbia is much classier than that asshole, that’s for sure.”

“You fought Zepar?” Gula asked excitedly. “Like, the fearsome warrior of Hell Zepar?”

“Oh, we did much more than fight him, sister,” Cupi cooed. “Jacob utterly destroyed him and then took his club and his women for himself.”

“Ahem,” Todd grunted.

“Todd played his part, as well,” the blonde succubus added.

“Played my part?” the human imp protested. “If it wasn’t for my projectile vomiting and hardcore Hadouken skills, we all woulda been toast.”

“Of course,” I humored the little guy.

“That sounds like a lot of work,” Tris protested. “Why didn’t you just make all your minions kick his ass and then claim all the credit? You know what they say, a good artist creates, but a great artist steals.”

“Because I don’t view my cultists as ‘minions,’” I explained to the brunette. “They’re people, just like you and me. Their lives are just as important as ours.”

“This is why we love Jacob so, Tristitia,” Libidine interjected. “To him, we’re all equals. We’re not just lowly succubi like we were to Azazel and Earl and all the other Demon Kings and Demon Queens.

“Lilith was like that,” Gula argued. “She was always looking out for her succubi, even though she didn’t have much power over the men of the underworld.”

“That’s what made her so brilliant, sister,” Cupi continued. “I’ve never met her myself, but Sia has told me great stories of how the original succubus is able to pull off power play after power play, and how she always stays one step ahead of those who oppose her.”

“If Lilith is so great, then why were you all enslaved?” Todd argued. “That sounds like a pretty shitty leader to me.”

Cupi shook her head with a sigh. “It’s much more complicated than that. Even though Lilith was a high-ranking Demon Queen, she was still a succubus. She didn’t have much power when it came to her place on Lucifer’s Great Chain of Being, but she was able to leverage the influence she did have to protect us. For example, she was the one who negotiated with Lucifer to get every faction of succubi a madame. Without that contribution, Superbia would have ended up being little more than a common sex demon.”

“Then there would have been nobody to keep Earl in check.” Libidine shuddered. “She may be a ruthless Queen of Hell, but Lilith has done so much for us lesser demons.”

“She sounds lovely.” I chuckled. “I hope to never meet her.”

When we reached the entrance of the club, I opened up the door for my friends, and the six of us entered. We walked through a narrow hallway until we eventually reached a dark-haired woman in a silver bikini standing in front of a rope and stanchion.

“Jacob!” she grinned when we got closer. “Todd! And Sia’s family! It’s so good to see you all again. Welcome to the newly renovated Velvet Lips. Stay right here, and I’ll go let Megan know you’re here.”

The woman twirled around and then dashed away. As she ran, it was difficult to keep my eyes averted. The stripper’s tiny thong bikini bottom looked like it was disappearing between her large, round ass as it jiggled up and down.

“Costanza rule, bro,” Todd whispered.

“What?” I asked, completely zoned out.

“Costanza rule,” the imp in disguise explained. “You know, my personal hero, George from Seinfeld? You take one quick look and then glance away or risk facing the consequences.”

“They’re strippers, Todd.” I laughed. “I think having men stare at their bodies is the whole point.”

“I’m not gonna lie,” Tris mused. “I was totally having a hard time looking away, too. I wish I could have an ass like that, but ya know, that’d require me to do squats. The Sister of Sloth does not do squats.”

“You could have fooled me.” Gula giggled and gave her sister a playful slap on the ass. “I’d kill for a toned butt like yours.”

“Please!” Tris grinned and ran her hand against the redhead’s face. “Your ass is amazing. Curvy, tight, and perfectly proportioned. I’m sure Jacob had a great time watching it bounce up and down on his cock yesterday.”

Both of the succubi shot me a coy look, and I couldn’t do anything but smile devilishly.

“I dunno.” I shrugged. “Maybe you’ll have to jog my memory.”

“Megan!” Todd called in a panic into the main room of the strip club. “Hurry up!”

“You rang, Todd?” a familiar voice said with a giggle.

A blonde woman strutted up to our group. She was topless, and her perky breasts bounced happily as she walked over with a massive grin on her face. The only thing that was preventing her from being completely naked was a dark green, sequined thong on her bottom and a pair of emerald high heels.

It was Megan, or “Ms. Miracle,” as we called her around the Velvet Lips.

“Oh, thank God, you’re here.” Todd clapped his hands together and bowed. “They were talking about Jakey’s dick again.”

Megan raised an eyebrow and looked me up and down. “Oh?” she cooed. “That’s a conversation I’d like to be a part of someday. Unfortunately, not while I’m on the clock.”

The topless blonde leaned over, and her breasts hung down and pressed together to form a massive block of cleavage. She undid the rope, straightened herself back up, and then motioned for us to pass through.

“Come,” she beckoned. “There’s a lot to show you!”

We passed through the stanchions and then through the inner doors of the club. The second we did, our ears were assaulted by some classic rock music that blared throughout the club. It was loud, but it wasn’t deafening like so many of the clubs I’d been to before.

“See?” Megan asked over the noise of the music. “You can actually hear yourself think now! Us strippers don’t have to wear earplugs all the time anymore.” The topless blonde waltzed over to the main stage, where one of her coworkers was strutting her stuff, and slapped the surface of the stage happily.

“This is one of Sia’s greatest additions,” she mused. “It’s a top of the line performance stage, complete with built-in strobe lights and mist effects that can be synced up to any song we want. Most importantly, its surface is made with a heavily porous substance, so it’s not as easy to slip on when you’re performing. Isn’t that right, Krystal?”

The naked woman on the stage rolled up out of her spread eagle pose, crawled over to us, and then grinned. “It’s like dancing on a cloud, honey,” she explained.

The woman leaned onto her back, stuck her long legs up into the air, and then kicked to the beat of the music. As she did so, the patrons roared with approval and began to shovel money at the stripper.

“I don’t know about overall revenue,” Ms. Miracle admitted, “but I do know that our attendance has gone up since Sia took over, and that means higher tips, which also means higher morale among the dancers.”

“That’s great to hear, Megan,” Liby said happily. “What other goodies has Sister Superbia added to this place?”

“Sia’s name is Superbia?” Megan asked curiously. “I never realized ‘Sia’ was short for something else, I always just thought that was her full name. Where does ‘Superbia’ come from?”

“It’s Latin for ‘pride,’” I explained.

Ms. Miracle put her hand up to her chin which had the fortunate side effect of pressing her naked breasts together as she did so. “That explains a lot, actually,” she pondered aloud. “Anyway, you guys have to check this out!”

Megan took our group around the remodeled strip club to show off the newly built bar, DJ booth, and dance floor. Then there were what the stripper called “dancer aquariums,” large, clear cylindrical tubes that were filled with water. Right now, they were simply illuminated by neon lights, but apparently, on certain nights, there would be dancers who would put on special equipment and then perform underwater.

“Sia has incorporated lots of new events to our itinerary,” Ms. Miracle explained. “On top of the ‘Mermaid Shows’ that go on in this thing, we now do mud wrestling, wet T-shirt contests, and ‘Fetish Nights.’”

“Fetish Night?” Todd giggled. “Please enlighten us. I can’t go another second without knowing about Fetish Night.”

Megan just smiled at the imp in disguise. “Sorry, Todd,” she mused. “It’s a private event. If you want to know what it’s all about, then you should show up next week.”

“Sold!” Todd nodded. “Hey Jakey, can I borrow fifty bucks for Fetish Night?”

“Tickets are only fifteen,” Ms. Miracle corrected.

“Like I said, Jakey,” Todd said as he ignored the stripper’s words, “can I borrow five hundred dollars for Fetish Night?”

“You just said fif--” Cupi started to say, but Todd kept talking.

“How about five large? You know I’m good for it. Also, you make some of that back the very night I spend it! So it’s like an immediate return on your investment.”

“We’ll see, Todd.” I rolled my eyes. “We’ll see.”

“Let’s see…” Megan thought aloud. “Am I missing anything? Oh yes, the bathrooms have been remodeled, but I figured I’d let you explore those on your own. I haven’t been in the men’s room, but I heard they took out all the glory holes. Apparently, they weren’t getting as much use as we thought they were.”

“That’s a shame,” Todd muttered.

“That just leaves the private rooms.” Ms. Miracle grinned. “But those are reserved for special occasions. Maybe I’ll give you a private tour when you have a little bit more time.”

“Not if we get there first,” Cupi warned playfully.

“Why not both?” Megan flirted back at the succubus. “I’m sure Jacob would enjoy having two blondes at the same time. That’s, like, the American Dream.”

“It’s buying a house, starting a family, and then getting a job that pays enough for a single-income household?” Todd asked curiously.

Megan and Cupi both looked at the imp in disguise, completely lost for words. Ms. Miracle shook her head, chuckled, and then motioned for us to follow her again.

“Sia’s office is back this way,” she explained.

The six of us followed the topless blonde through a door marked “employees and paying customers only” and into the back section of the building. Although this was supposed to be the “back of house” of the establishment, it felt just as pristine as the main part of the club.

A crimson, velvety-looking carpet filled the floor of the hallway, and the walls wore a shiny black coat of paint. Along both sides of the room were a series of slim, gray doors with small chrome handles and no windows whatsoever.

“Those would be the private rooms,” Megan explained. “Sia had them built each with their own sound system, and they’re supposedly soundproof. But that all depends on how satisfying your customer’s experience is, I suppose.”

As we walked through the hall, I could hear music of various genres booming behind the doors of the private rooms. Finally, we landed at another large gray door with a frosted glass window.

On the window, in a small, business-style font, read, “Sia- General Manager.”

Megan opened the door and peeked her head into the room.

“Sia?” she asked coyly. “You’ve got visitors.”

“Send them in!” I heard the madame’s voice order.

The blonde opened the door and then nodded to the six of us. We entered behind and saw Sia sitting at a large oak desk with her feet propped up on the top.

“Welcome, my friends,” Sia mused as she pulled her legs down and leaned forward in her chair. “You have no idea how happy I am to see you here. Megan that will be all.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” the blonde said, and then she winked at me and closed the door to Sia’s office.

“You’ve done a brilliant job with this place,” I said as I approached the redhead. “This makes the old Velvet Lips look like a total shithole.”

“That’s because it was, dear,” Sia scoffed. “It may have been one of the most successful strip clubs in this area, but it certainly wasn’t known for its top-quality service. Now, we’re bringing in new customers left and right!”

“It must have cost an arm and a leg to get all this stuff renovated,” I pondered aloud.

The petite succubus just shrugged. “You must spend money to make money,” she explained. “It may have nearly bankrupt us in the short-term, but over the next few years, we’re going to nearly quadruple our investment. If my calculations are correct, of course.”

“When are you calculations not correct, Superbia?” Libidine joked.

Sia thought about the question for a second and then raised a slender finger to the air. “There was that one time, back in the early days of the Roman Republic…” she explained. “Oh, and the time I tried to convince you to rejoin Azazel because I thought he was going to crush Jacob. I was dead wrong about that one, and I’m really glad I was.”

“Ye of little faith,” I said with a sly smile. “At least you know better now.”

“Correct,” Sia continued. “Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jacob could find a way to defeat Lucifer himself at this point.”

“Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves,” I warned. “Demons and assassins I can handle, but the Prince of Darkness himself? That might be a little too tall of an order for even all of our powers combined. Let’s just stick to talking about the Daeva for now.”

Sia’s expression contorted into a frown. “The Daeva?” she asked cautiously. “What do they have to do with anything?”

“The bounty hunter Azar attacked us with a small force of Daeva,” Libidine explained.

“That is somewhat troubling.” Sia sighed. “There hasn’t been a large gathering of Daeva in centuries. They generally like to keep to themselves.”

“What’s so special about these fuckers?” I asked the madame. “They just looked like little black and red demons who were a little bit harder to kill. So what?”

“Are you familiar with the ancient religion of Zoroastrianism?” she questioned.

“Not very,” I admitted. “I think I skipped that day in history class. It has something to do with Persia, right?”

“Correct.” Sia nodded. “In the Zoroastrian faith, the Daeva were seen as entities of chaos. Some practitioners of the religion even saw them as a collective personification of all known evil in the world. They called them ‘the gods to be rejected.’”

“So we’re dealing with ancient Zoroastrian demons,” I confirmed. “Why is that any different from Gallu or Shax or Zepar?”

“Because, if this is the case, it’s the first time the Daeva have worked with the Demonic,” she explained. “Ever. These entities were seen as ‘rejected gods’ because neither the Demonic nor the Divine wanted anything to do with them. They were simply too self-serving and unpredictable. If there’s an alliance forming between the Daeva and the Demonic, who knows what other entities our enemies have recruited? All bets are off.”

“Then we’ll kill them too,” I said as I tried to comfort the succubus. “As long as we’re together and have the Army of the Divine on our side, we will win. Besides, we’re just in this until we rescue the last of your Sisters and kill Azazel. After that, Heaven and Hell can throw their armies at each other forever and ever, for all I care.”

“I’m afraid we’re in it much deeper than that,” Sia admitted. “Even when Invidia is free and Azazel is destroyed, word of our victory will spread. We’ve already got enemies all over the universe, Jacob. Once you kill the Master of Warfare, one of the oldest demons in existence, don’t you think you’ll have a target on your back?”

“So what?” I asked with a huff. “We’re never free? We’re going to have to keep fighting for the Divine the rest of our lives?”

“Uh… This is getting a little too intense for me,” Tris interrupted. “I’m gonna step out and take a smoke break.” The brunette succubus disappeared from view, and then Sia and I continued the conversation.

“I truly don’t know, Jacob.” She sighed. “Killing Azazel will finally set my girls and me free, but I fear it won’t be the end of our involvement with this eternal war.”

“Eh,” Todd interjected, “retirement was never in the Toddster’s cards, anyway. You risk life and limb to save the free world, and what does it give you? Jell-o and a bad '70s TV show.”

“Are you quoting Fast and Furious again?” I sighed.

“No, bro,” Todd groaned. “I keep telling you that they stole the best lines from me.”

“Well, we don’t have to retire,” I scoffed. “We can still run our businesses. Ira can still become a politician. Hell, maybe we could even get into the bounty hunting business for a little bit of extra cash. The nine of us and our cultists can still have a blast doing whatever the fuck we desire, but that doesn’t mean we have to be smack-dab in the center of the struggle between Lucifer and the Exalted One.”

“I would trust Sister Superbia on this one,” Cupi added. “She’s the smartest of all of us. If she thinks the Daeva’s involvement is a major sign of things to come, we should take her word on it.”

“I… I need a minute,” I said with a sigh.

“Jacob?” Sia asked, but I shook my head.

“You all wait here. I just need to walk around for a few minutes and think. I just… yeah.” I stepped out into the hallway, closed the door behind me, and then let out a pent-up breath of anger. I felt a wave of sickness, fear, and anger shoot through my body.

I didn’t want to fight forever.

Sia had to be wrong. I loved her dearly, and I valued her opinion on all matters, but everything I’d done so far had been leading to the ultimate defeat of Azazel. What could possibly be left after that asshole was gone and the Circle of Sin was reunited? Sure, Raph had been talking about how the war between the Divine and the Demonic had been reignited, but that wasn’t our problem. Was it?

Did I have to keep fighting?

“Psssst,” I heard a familiar voice beckon from off to the side.

I turned my head and saw Tris standing in the doorway of one of the private rooms. The succubus was holding a joint in her hand, and she motioned with her finger for me to come over.

“You look really tense, my friend,” the brunette observed. “Come in here and smoke some of this shit. It’ll take the edge off reeeaallll good.”

“Ya know what?” I shrugged. “That actually sounds great. I don’t even remember the last time I was able to just sit down and smoke one of those things.”

I stepped into the private room with Tris, and the succubus shut the door carefully behind me. Then, I walked over and took a seat in the chair that was normally reserved for the club’s customers.

Megan was right, these new rooms were really nice. The interior was made up of warm colors, with the same velvet carpet as the hallways and red and yellow curtains all over the wall. In each corner of the ceiling sat a small speaker, assumedly connected to the media console against the far wall.

Tris handed me the joint and then sauntered over to the media console. “You want some music?” she asked. “You’ll have to give me a recommendation because I don’t know too many tunes here on Earth Realm. Most of the shit we had to listen to at those parties was grating on my ears, but it was what the people wanted.”

“How about some Pink Floyd?” I asked. “Their music is pretty appropriate for this situation. Real psychedelic and dark and smooth.”

“That sounds right up my alley!” Tris exclaimed and then typed something into the console.

A minute later and the speakers around the room started to blare the slow, mysterious musings of the dark side of the moon. Tris nodded in approval at my song choice, and then she walked over and sat down on the floor beside me.

“Try it out,” she motioned at the joint in my hand. “It’s one of our newest strains. It’s not that strong, I promise.”

“You think I can’t handle it?” I chuckled. “I’ll have you know that I did four years at a public university. I’ve smoked just about every strain known to man.”

I placed the joint between my thumb and index finger and then raised it up to my lips. The smell of the stuff was potent, and I was a little worried I was going to get a contact high before I even inhaled any of the smoke. Finally, I took a breath, and the taste of the sweet leaf filled my mouth. I let the smoke waft around in my mouth for a moment before I blew it into the air like a character in a stoner comedy.

“You really do know your way around one of those, don’t you?” Tris giggled and then snatched the joint out of my hand.

The succubus took a quick puff, blew a few rings of smoke into the air, and then passed it back.

“You’re really good at that,” I mused. “It must have taken you quite a long time to perfect that art.”

“What can I say?” Tris grinned. “I’m really damn good with my mouth.”

The words were innocent enough, but I could tell that the succubus was trying to come on to me. I’d noticed her giving me the occasional hungry look every now and again, and I’d also caught the brunette giggling with her sisters while obviously talking about me. She may not have been blatant about it, but Tris definitely wanted me just as much as Gula and the rest of the succubi.

I took another drag off the joint and gave it back to Tris. After a few more run-throughs of the action, my body started to feel completely relaxed, and my mind began to wander to some strange places. Soon, Tris and I were debating the metaphysics of our own powers, the philosophical differences between Heaven and Hell, and even simple shit like Todd’s government conspiracies.

The two of us sat in the smoke-filled room as we yukked it up and debated the most pointless shit, for God knows how long. Eventually, Tris took the final puff off her joint and sighed.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Jake,” Tris said with a frown, “but I think we’re all out of weed.”

“That’s a shame,” I agreed. “I was really enjoying myself. It felt good to step away from all the Demonic and Divine bullshit and just hang out with somebody so chill and carefree, you know?”

Tris looked down at the ground bashfully, but she still had a ridiculously wide grin spread across her face. “Why does the enjoyment have to stop here?” she asked. “There are plenty of other ways we could entertain ourselves, you know.”

“Oh?” I asked, even though I knew exactly what she was talking about. “What are you thinking, my fine succubus? Changing up the music and dancing? Playing some cards?”

Tris gave me a playful shove. “Don’t play dumb, man.” She laughed. “You know exactly what I mean. I want to see it.”

“See what?” I continued to play dumb. “My vintage record collection?”

The tall succubus fell down on the floor, crawled over to me, and then gently began to caress my legs. “It,” she demanded. “I want to see what Sister Gula saw the other day. It’s only fair.”

Seeing the sexy brunette on her knees so close to my cock, begging for it to be unleashed, made me hard as a rock, so I stood up from the chair, and then I reached down and undid my pants.

Tris wasn’t going to wait. The second my belt was undone, the succubus had her hands on my waistband. She yanked downward, and my erection nearly smacked her in the face as it was released from its fabric prison. Tris’ eyes grew wide as she reached up and grabbed my dick by its base.

“Holy fuck, man,” she marveled. “I-- They told me it was huge, but fuck… I don’t know if I can even fit all of this inside of me.”

“There’s only one way you’re going to find out,” I suggested.

The brunette looked up at me with her bright violet eyes. She was nearly drooling at the sight of my cock, and she slowly began to run her fingers along the side of my massive member.

My dick grew harder at the motion, and the succubus bit her lip in anticipation.

“Only forty percent of the work?” she asked.

“Only forty percent,” I chuckled, “but obviously, I can’t help out too much with this part.”

“Are you sure?” Tris winked and wrapped her full hand around the base of my cock. “I think you can.”

Without another word, the succubus placed her tender lips against the head of my penis and began to slide it into her mouth. Tris got about halfway down the shaft before she pulled back and repeated the action. She did it a few more times, and I responded with a large groan of pleasure.

“I feel like I’m doing too much of the work here, man.” Tris giggled.

The succubus put her lips back on my cock and then reached out and placed both her hands against my ass. She pulled them inward, and my hips thrust forward. At the same time, three-quarters of my dick slid down Tris’ throat. She made a gagging noise, but then looked up at me and nodded without removing my manhood from her mouth.

“That’s what you want?” I asked.

The brunette slapped my ass playfully and let out a muffled sound of approval.

I delicately placed my hands on the back of Tristitia’s head and then began to thrust in and out of her mouth. My cock glided further down the succubus’ throat with each push, and she gave me a moaning approval with each one.

Tris kept one of her hands firmly clasped to my thrusting ass, but the other began to creep down her body and into her pants. The succubus’ moans grew louder as she began to pleasure herself at the same time.

This whole sight made me struggle to keep myself from unloading right then and there in her mouth.

After a few minutes of throat-fucking action, the succubus pulled her hand out of her pants and began to caress my balls tenderly. As she did so, she started to move her head back and forth, countering my own thrusts. She continued to pleasure my dick for another minute or two, and then she held up a hand to indicate I should stop.

Tris pulled her lips off my dick and let out a long sigh. “It’s a really good thing I did all that weed first,” she said with a giggle. “That really relaxed my throat muscles.”

“Now it’s your turn,” I demanded as I dropped down to my knees.

“I’m not gonna argue with that.” Tris shrugged and then laid down on her back.

I grabbed the brunette’s waistband and gave it a light tug. Instantly, I was greeted with a small landing strip that led down to the juicy pleasure that was located just below. I threw Tris’ pants off to the side and then buried my face in her pussy.

The succubus gasped at my sudden tongue assault on her clitoris. Then she let out a few hurried groans, and her moans slowly crescendoed into sounds that I don’t think I’d ever heard a woman make before.

I felt Tris’ legs begin to tremble, and then her hand began to run tenderly through my hair. The succubus tasted sweet, and I wasn’t going to let up until she told me to.

Finally, the brunette’s moans got closer and closer together, and her grip on my hair grew tighter. She nearly yanked my brown locks out of my skull when her body tensed up, and she came to a climax. Tris’ body relaxed, but another hungry look from the succubus told me that she wanted more.

A lot more.

I hopped up onto my knees, wrapped my arms around Tris’ ankles, and lifted them up into the air. At the same time, I pulled the brunette woman’s body toward me and slid my throbbing cock into her.

Tris’ eyes rolled back in her head when she felt my hard dick fill up her tight pussy. The succubus was wet as fuck and tighter than a vice, and I let out a gasp of surprise when her tunnel clamped onto my full length. Tris fumbled at her shirt and then yanked it up over her head, revealing her perky breasts and bright pink nipples. The woman’s breasts were not particularly large, but they were round and perfectly proportioned on her slender body.

I began to thrust in and out of the succubus’ pussy, and she responded with intense sounds of sweet agony. As I pleasured the woman with my cock, I leaned my upper body down and kissed her torso tenderly. I eventually worked my way up to her erect nipples and sucked on them delicately.

“Oh, Jacob!” Tris moaned. “Keep-- Keep doing that.”

I obliged, pumping in and out of her as I licked at her breasts.

I kept going for a solid ten minutes, going back and forth between sucking on her tits and kissing her neck and shoulders. Finally, when it felt like I was going to blow my load, I slowed down.

I wanted this to keep going for as long as it possibly could.

“You want to try a different position?” Tris asked happily. “I could go for something new.”

The naked succubus pulled back, and my erection slid out from her vice-like lips. She rolled over, stood up, and then walked over to the wall. Tris folded her arms in front of her body and leaned up against the velvety curtains. Then, she looked back over her shoulder and grinned.

“This looks comfortable enough,” she purred. “Why don’t you come over here and fill my body with your baby batter?”

She didn’t have to ask me twice.

I nearly ran over to where Tris was standing, grabbed her around the waist, and guided my cock back inside of her. She groaned as it entered and then pressed her face up against the wall.

Slowly, I started to fuck the succubus from behind. With each thrust of my hips, her tight ass bounced in unison. My motions became so intense that the succubus’ entire body was being driven forward each time I reentered her tight pussy.

And she loved every second of it.

Tris gasped, groaned, and nearly screamed with pleasure as I took her from behind. I must have really been getting into it because at one point the succubus slapped her hand over her mouth to cover up her sounds. The brunette took my cock for another few minutes, and then she finally started to show signs that she was headed for orgasm number two.

I increased the speed of my thrusts, and Tris’ body began to tremble. I felt her pussy lips quiver against my cock as she let out an eardrum-shattering moan, and that was it. My entire body tensed as the first wave of a climax hit me, and my balls tensed as I began to release inside of the succubus. Tris was climaxing in unison with me, and she nearly collapsed against the wall as we both spasmed against each other. It really felt like her pussy was squeezing and milking my cock, and my climax seemed to last for almost half a minute. I felt like I had pumped a gallon of sperm into the slender succubus supermodel, and a river of my cum began to dip down her legs as soon as I pulled my cock out of her tight hole.

“Damn,” the brunette sighed and slumped back in the chair. Then she turned around and let out a giggle through heaving breaths. She strutted over to where I was sitting, plopped down on my lap, and began to caress my face.

“That was amazing,” she purred and rested her head on my shoulder. “I feel so full and warm now. Damn, your cock is soooooo good. We need to hang out and get high together more often.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “Yes, we do.”

Tris and I cuddled in the chair for a few more minutes, and then we decided that we should probably get back to our friends. We stood and I helped her clean up with some of the sanitary wipes in a cabinet in the room. Then we put our clothes back on and then exited the private room. In no time, we were pushing open the door of Sia’s office.

The remaining succubi and Todd were all huddled around a small table with a handful of cards and a pile of chips at its center.

“I’m going all in, Strawberry Shortcake.” Todd chuckled and pushed a large stack of chips into the middle of the table.

“I fold.” Cupi tossed her cards down.

“Me, as well.” Libidine sighed.

“Is this where we say, ‘Go Fish?’” Gula asked innocently.

“You should probably fold, Sister.” Liby giggled.

Gula shrugged and then tossed her cards face-down in front of her.

“I’m calling your bluff, Todd.” Sia grinned and pushed her own chips into the center. “I’m all in, as well.”

“I’m offended,” the imp scoffed. “You think the Toddster would lie to one of his closest friends?”

All four succubi at the table said, “Yes,” in unison.

“Ouch.” Todd sighed. “That kinda stings… but not as much as this! Four of a kind, all kings.”

“That’s quite an impressive hand,” Sia agreed. “But mine is better. Royal flush.”

The room was filled with “oohs” and “ahhs” as the madame collected her winnings and Todd looked like he needed to be talked down off a bridge. Sia stood up, walked over to her desk, and placed the chips into a small bag. She then looked up, saw Tris and me standing in the doorway, and smiled.

“Jacob and Tristitia have returned,” she called out happily.

“So…” Gula asked coyly. “How did it go?”

“How did what go?” I said as I played dumb.

“Just as you said it would, Sister,” Tris purred. “He gave it to me hard, in every sense of the word.”

“Wait--” I raised my finger into the air and looked over at the other succubi. “You all were in on this?”

Nobody said a word, but the giggles they gave me were all the answer I would ever need.

“You lied to me!” Todd exclaimed as terror filled his voice. “You said they were out on a mini-mission, not that they’d be playing the ol’ pork-and-barrel.”

“I wanted you to keep your lunch down,” Sia retorted. “I know you weren’t going to be too thrilled if I let you know our real plan.”

“What’s next?” Todd frowned. “Are you gonna tell me that there was weed involved that I didn’t get to partake in?”

Everybody in the room went dead silent, and Todd must have gotten the hint.

“Well, shit!” He threw up his hands and sighed. “At least I got to get a few rounds of poker in. That was pretty fun. Which reminds me… Jakey, can I borrow a couple hundred dollars? That’s what I just lost to Sia over here.”

“Maybe later, Todd.” I rolled my eyes and chuckled. “I’m assuming this was Cupi’s idea?”

“More or less,” the blonde admitted, “but Liby was the one who wanted it to happen here, and Sia was the one who offered the private room for you guys.”

“And I was just here for emotional support,” Gula added. “After you ran me raw the other night, that’s about all I could do.”

“So I’m assuming your time with Sister Tristitia has… relieved your stress?” Sia asked knowingly.

“Yeah,” I nodded and put my arm around Tris. “I’m not sure if it’s just the weed or the crazy good sex, but I feel like a million bucks.”

“Excellent.” Sia grinned. “Now that your mind is cleared and your focus has returned, we can continue talking about your current predicament.”

“Oh, oh!” Todd raised his hand. “Pick me!”

Sia shook her head and then pointed at Todd like a teacher in a classroom.

The imp picked up his cell phone and held it up for the group to see. “I’ve actually got a new lead, courtesy of my paranormal blog,” he explained. “Check it out. I posted a new blog about the Daeva and asked my readers to contact me if they had any more info. Well, this guy apparently does.”

I squinted at the imp’s screen and tried to read the words in the e-mail. It read “Dearest Todd, I hope this message finds you well. You asked your readers for any information on the Daeva we might possibly have, and, well, I might just have some of the answers you’re looking for. However, because these are sensitive secrets, I cannot exchange this info electronically. I currently live in the greater Tucson area and would love it if you could meet me in the parking garage of the old mall near the city’s east side. That’s only an hour or so away from your location, and I’d be happy to tell you everything I know. Please let me know your decision ASAP.”

“You think he’s telling the truth?” I asked Todd. “Or is this just another crazy paranormal fanatic who wants his fifteen minutes of fame?”

“It’s worth a shot, Jacob,” Liby suggested. “If he really has information on the Daeva that is that sensitive, we’d be stupid not to take him up on his offer.”

“What if it’s a trap?” Cupi added.

“I’d be surprised if it weren’t,” I admitted, “but I think Liby’s right. We’ve got next to nothing right now, and we’d be stupid to pass up this offer. Trap or not.”

“So,” Gula asked, “what’s our next move, Jacob?”

I smiled at all of my friends. “It looks like the gang is hitting the road once again,” I explained. “Next stop, Tucson.”

Chapter 10

“‘An hour or so’ my ass,” I scoffed as we zipped through the desert highway.

After all the shit that had gone down yesterday, we had decided to return to our mansion and get a good night of sleep. There was surely much more crazy shit ahead of us, and all six of us were exhausted. Our new informant friend was just gonna have to wait.

When we got home, Ira was waiting for us. The Sister of Wrath was excited to hear about how Gula, Tris, and I made the connection, and our two newest succubi explained the nitty-gritty details with their sister while I got ready for bed. Finally, all of my beloved succubi and I hit the hay, forming what felt like a massive pile of naked bodies. I was half tempted to try something with all the women at once, but my orgasm with Tris had been all sorts of crazy, and I didn’t think I had any more cum to give to my women.

My succubi and I had passed out almost instantly and slept like a rock through the night.

“It’s a shame this vehicle isn’t bigger,” Ira mused from the backseat. “I would have liked to see Superbia, Gula, and Tris in action. Did you know that I’ve never actually fought beside them before? Usually, I was sent off to handle enemies on my own thanks to my… aggressive fighting style and my healing powers. I could take out waves of enemies all by myself, and they would inflict oh so much damage on me…”

As she spoke about her previous battles, the Sister of Wrath’s voice sounded like it was on the brink of orgasm.

“I’m sure you’ll get your chance,” I reassured the dark-haired woman. “We’re going to need all hands on deck when we finally have to make the descent and face Azazel on his own turf.”

“Don’t remind me,” Ira nearly moaned. “I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it.”

“Why didn’t the other three come along, Jakey?” Todd asked and then took a drag off his joint. “You said this is probably a trap. Even though I am highly offended that you think one of my beloved fans would do me dirty like that.”

“A few reasons,” I explained. “Sia’s got other shit to do. Business might be booming at the Velvet Lips, but it’s not going to run itself. Gula told me that she wanted to stay back and practice her cooking. Apparently, she’s got some sort of audition tape she’s making for some chef with a video channel or something like that. She also promised that she’d have a home-cooked meal ready for us when we got back.”

“Say no more!” Todd nodded. “I’m gonna need one after smoking all this ‘Hunger Pang.’ It’s a new strain Slothy and I made that gives us seriously bad cases of the munchies after we use it.”

“And that’s why Tris isn’t here,” I continued. “She wanted to hang back and work on her ‘herbology’ for a bit. That, and she said that she thought she deserved a long break after all the stuff she did yesterday.”

“Sister Tristitia lives up to her name, as you can see,” Libidine giggled.

“I’m assuming that you invited me along thanks to my political expertise?” Ira added.

“Right,” I confirmed. “Even if this isn’t a trap, we’re dealing with a ‘Deep Throat’ sort of situation, and we need all the political espionage experience we can possibly get.”

“You didn’t tell me deep throating would be involved,” Cupi’s voice perked up.

“Me either,” Libidine added. “Are we all going to be involved? Because I’m not as good at it as Cupi, but I’m willing to give it my all.”

“You’re perfectly fine at it, Liby,” I promised. “I would know.”

My comment was met by Todd shoving his fingers into his ears and repeatedly saying “lalalalalala” so that he couldn’t hear.

“I’ve got this, Jacob.” Ira snorted. “He’s not talking about that kind of deep throat, guys, as much as I wish he were. I nearly choked to death on that thing when we were in the throes of love, and it was marvelous. He’s talking about the informant who leaked information and eventually brought down Richard Nixon.”

“Who is that?” Liby asked curiously. “Was he some sort of powerful businessman here on Earth?”

“Wait,” Todd finally entered the conversation, “you don’t know who Richard Nixon is?” The imp hopped up onto the passenger seat, turned around, and looked at the succubi with bulging eyes. “It’s time for a little history lesson, guys!” The imp giggled and cleared his throat. “Four score and seven years ago…”

Todd then went on to spend the next thirty minutes of the trip blazing through the list of American Presidents, changing his physical appearance and voice to match each one as he told their story. Finally, he got to the current administration, and then he turned back into his regular impish self.

“Whew,” he sighed, “I guess I paid more attention in Government than I thought. Anyway, now you know who Nixon was, and all about ‘Deep Throat.’ I still can’t believe they thought that was a good name for the guy.”

“Maybe they were just oblivious?” Cupi suggested. “In our experience, humans here on Earth Realm are pretty prudish compared to us succubi.”

“Nah,” Todd said with a wave of his hand. “This was the seventies, bro. The era of Woodstock, free love, and anti-conformism. If I had a time machine…”

“I thought that was the Sixties?” I asked.

“Woodstock was sixty-nine, bro,” he said. “It was a fine year, but closer to the seventies. Then Watergate happened, and we lost all the orgies. Fucking Nixon, dude.”

“How did Nixon make it so there weren’t any more org-- you know, I’m good,” I laughed. “I’ll take your word for it.”

“I know about these things.” Todd nodded. “Speaking of knowing things. We should be there.”

“Is that it?” I asked curiously and pointed to a two-story structure that looked like it had been abandoned for some time. “That looks like it could have been an old mall to me.”

“The address matches up, bro,” Todd explained as he glanced at his phone. “He wanted us to meet him on the second floor, near the sign marking the ‘sun’ section.”

We pulled off the main drag of road and into the old parking lot. Shadow’s wheels rolled over what sounded like a few shards of glass, but she kept moving. We drove up into the bowels of the crumbling parking garage, up to the second story, and then we drove around for a few minutes studying the signs. Finally, we came to a section marked with a large, indigenous-style drawing of a yellow sun.

I slowed the Jeep to a stop, but I didn’t turn her off. We might need to make a quick getaway.

“Alright, guys,” I addressed my friends. “Stay on your toes. Something feels weird about this whole situation.”

The five of us exited the running Jeep Wrangler, walked out into the open space in front of the vehicle, and formed a small huddle. We stood there for what felt like forever, waiting on something to happen.

“Do you think he stood us up?” Cupi pondered aloud.

“Or he never intended to meet with us in the first place,” Ira suggested.

“Internet trolls, Crazy Eyes,” Todd added. “They’re all over.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” I retorted. “Why would they ask us to come all the way out here for nothing?”

“Why would an internet troll do anything?” The imp shrugged. “Because they’re bored, and because they can.”

“I’m insulted, friend-o,” a deep, demonic-sounding voice arose from the shadows. “You think I would make the author of my favorite blog drive all the way out here just to leave them high and dry?”

I summoned Hellfire into my hands and whipped around, ready to fight.

Off in the corner stood a figure in a flowing black robe with the hood pulled over his face mysteriously. The figure put his hands up into the air in submission.

“Easy there, guys,” he tried to calm us down. “I’m not here to cause any trouble.”

“Then what are you here for?” I demanded. “You told Todd that you had information on the Daeva that could be useful for us to know, and then you make us drive all the way out of our way to get it?”

“I have my reasons.” The figure shrugged. “All will be revealed in time, Todd.”

“I’m not Todd,” I corrected the hooded figure and pointed to my friend. “That’s Todd.”

“Wait--” the figure’s deep voice sounded confused. “You’re telling me one of the most genius paranormal minds in the world is a three-foot-tall imp?”

“The one and only!” Todd grinned and pretended to adjust an invisible bowtie. “It’s so awesome to meet one of my adoring fans in the flesh.”

“Ugh,” the mysterious figure sighed, “I thought I was talking to a mighty demon slayer, not some wannabe Hornswaggle.”

“A pro wrestling reference?” Todd gasped. “You really are one of my fans! Even if you are kinda being a little bit of a prick about it.”

The hooded figure shook his head. “There’s no ‘little prick’ on this end, compadre,” he admitted. “Mine’s so long there’s a danger of split-roasting a babe all by itself.”

“Well, that’s just vulgar, bro,” the imp said as he crossed his arms. “There are ladies present, you know.”

“There sure are.” The figure chuckled. “I’d recognize these succubi from anywhere. The mighty Circle of Sin. Or, at least, three of them. Where are the others? Off gobbling down schlongs like a Thanksgiving turkey?”

“Bro!” Todd exclaimed. “Show some class.”

“Wait a minute…” Libidine’s eyes narrowed, and she began to approach the guy in the robe. “Chort? Is that you?”

The hooded figure’s posture went tense. “Uh-- No,” he argued. “I’m just a mild-mannered reporter who wants to share some info with my favorite paranormal blogger. Of course, at night, I take off my glasses, tussle up my hair, and go out fighting crime as Earth’s mightiest protector. They call me ‘The Monster Dong.’”

“It is you!” Libidine giggled happily. “I’d know that sense of humor anywhere.”

“Calling it ‘humor’ is a stretch,” Todd muttered as Liby walked closer to the hooded man.

“Fine, you got me,” the figure’s voice changed into something much more nasal and high-pitched.

He reached up, grabbed his hood, and then pulled it back. This demon didn’t look anything like most of the supernatural beings we’d dealt with before. His skin was a dark gray, and his facial features were elongated like a snout. At the end of the protrusion sat a circular, pig-like nose, and the demon had two tiny black horns that stuck about three or four inches out of his forehead. Meanwhile, his ears were long and pointed, and his lips were bright pink.

Libidine stepped forward, and the two locked into a warm embrace.

“It’s so good to see you again,” the succubus mused. “Jacob, Todd, this is Chort. He and I go way back to the Medieval period.”

“Nice to meet you, friend-o.” Chort let go of Liby and stuck out his hand.

His hand was ridiculously clammy, but I gave it a good shake anyway.

Chort patted Todd on the head and then knelt down so that he was at eye level. “It’s good to finally meet you too, Mr. Masterson.” He stuck out his hand for the imp to shake, but Todd refused at first.

“Never meet your heroes, bro,” Todd scoffed and then gave Chort a limp fish handshake.

“So, Chort,” I began, “Cupi and Liby have told me a little bit about you, how you’re the ‘chaotic neutral’ and all that. Why do you want to help us? And why did you force us to come all the way out here?”

Chort snickered and put his clammy hand on my shoulder. “I’m gonna be real honest with you, compadre,” he admitted. “I wanted you to come out here because I couldn’t afford gas to get to you. Do you know how much a demon of mischief makes nowadays? Not much. ‘The Man’ keeps holding us down.”

“Why didn’t you just call us, bro?” Todd asked in a somewhat mocking tone. “Did ‘The Man’ keep you from doing that, too?”

“I don’t believe in cellular devices,” Chort explained. “You think I want the Government knowing my exact location at all times and listening in on all my sensitive information? No way, dudes and dudettes.”

Ira’s elbow nudged into my side. “It’s like looking into a funhouse mirror.” She giggled and pointed between Todd and Chort.

“Well, I’m glad you’re willing to help out,” I interrupted the demon. “So please, tell us what you know.”

“Hold on there just uno momento,” Chort implored. “Please understand that I’m not ‘helping out’ because I want to betray my demonic heritage or anything like that.”

“Then why are you helping?” Ira asked cautiously.

Chort’s face grew into a devilish grin. “Because, like Todd said,” he explained, “I’m in it for the pure chaos.”

“Aha!” Todd pointed his tiny finger at the demon accusingly. “So you are a troll!”

“Not a troll, an anarchist,” the demon corrected. “I’ve always hated following the ‘Great Chain of Being’ and all of these fucking stupid laws that Heaven and Hell have enacted through the centuries. I’m only doing this because the truth bomb I’m about to tell you is gonna blow your minds better than an Amsterdam prostitute and send shockwaves throughout the metaphysical world.”

“So profane,” Todd scoffed under his breath.

“Then tell us,” I demanded. “What do you know that’s such an important piece of information?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Chort said through a shit-eating grin. “Let’s talk about payment first.”

“Payment?” I growled. “I thought you were just doing this for the hell of it?”

“I am,” he admitted, “but do you really think I’m going to give away my intel for peanuts? I know you guys have a lot of money and influence around the U.S. Isn’t that right, ‘Maggie?’”

“Don’t be an asshole, Chort,” Ira warned.

“Maybe to balance out the odds, I should tell the world that their beloved frontrunner for representing Arizona’s seventh is really a dominatrix sex demon,” he pondered aloud. “That would be fun…”

“So this is turning into blackmail now?” Ira growled.

“Chort!” Libidine chimed in. “I thought we were supposed to be friends?”

“We still are, Lib,” he admitted, “but I still gotta look out for numero uno.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Ira argued. “Nobody would ever believe you, anyway.”

“They would after they see the pictures that ‘Marvin’ gave me a few weeks before he died…” Chort giggled.

The color drained from Ira’s face, and I felt a deep rage boil up from my very core. I’d had just about enough of this guy’s games. I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, blasted the demon, and lifted him up into the air. Then I made a clockwise movement with my hands, and Chort’s body flipped upside down.

The lower part of the fucker’s robe fell down over his eyes comically and revealed that he was wearing nothing underneath but a pair of pink polka-dotted boxers on his waist. The half-naked demon flailed helplessly in the air and let out a muffled scream behind the fabric that was now covering his face.

“How about this, Chort?” I growled. “You tell us what you know, and I won’t rip you limb from limb.”

“I-- Are you who I think you are?” Chort squealed.

“I’m Jacob Ralston,” I confirmed. “The mortal who defeated Azazel and stole his succubi. The demon slayer who’s all but eradicated the Seventy-Two Servants and their minions. The only person in this universe to defeat Aruna, the deadly Rakshasi assassin. Is that who you think I am?”

“More or less,” Chort answered with a gulp. “I’m sorry. I-- I’d heard the rumors, but I thought people were just fucking with me.”

“Well, now you know they aren’t,” I said with steel in my voice. “Are you going to tell us what we need to know?”

“Yes!” Chort begged. “Yes, I’ll tell you, free of charge.”

“And you’ll hand over those incriminating photos of Ira?” I continued.

“They’re in the pocket of my robe, compadre,” he admitted. “I’ll tear them up the second I’m back on solid ground. Now, can you please put me back on my feet? I get really bad cases of vertigo.”

I rotated my glowing emerald hands once more, and Chort’s body followed suit. Once the demon was back in the upright position, I released my spell, and he fell onto the ground.

“There’s a lot more where that came from,” I promised. “Start talking.”

“Damn, dude,” Chort mused as he pulled himself to his feet. “You’re a lot more hardcore than I’d heard. A regular ol’ Sly Stallone.”

“How dare you insult Jakey like that?” Todd hissed. “Everybody knows Arnold is the superior macho action hero! I’m gonna put this guy in his place, bro.”

Todd pretended to roll up his sleeves and then marched toward Chort. Thankfully, Cupi dashed over and picked up the over-enthusiastic imp in her arms before he could reach his target.

Chort brushed the dirt off himself, reached into his pocket, produced a couple of photos, and then tore them up into tiny little shreds. The demon dropped the remains of the pictures onto the floor and kicked them away with his foot.

“You want to know my little secret about the Daeva, friend-o?” Chort sighed. “Fine. But you’d better be sitting down for this one.”

“I’m comfortable right where I am, thank you,” I growled. “Why are the Daeva allying themselves with the Demonic?”

“They’re not,” Chort admitted. “Right now, those little black-and-red fuckers are planning something huge. Something that goes waaay beyond the confines of ‘Demonic’ and ‘Divine.’”

“The Daeva?” Cupi scoffed. “Master planners? Those creatures couldn’t even plan out a three-course meal if they were handed a children’s menu.”

“It’s not their design, my beautiful blonde,” Chort continued. “They have a new master, the same one who is sending all of these assassins your way.”

“Who is it?” I demanded. “Is it one of my cultists? Did Beelzebub or Azazel figure out how to infiltrate my own people and turn them against me?”

“I’m afraid not.” Chort sighed.

“Then who?” I growled and summoned red Hellfire into my hands. “I want to know who’s behind all of this bullshit.”

“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you, Mr. Ralston,” Chort continued. “I don’t have an exact name, but my sources tell me that the man who now controls the Daeva is on the side of the Exalted One.”

My head began to spin at the demon’s words, and I nearly fell over.

“Wha-- What are you saying?” I asked once more.

Chort frowned. “You were betrayed by a member of the Divine, compadre.”

Chapter 11

“Can you believe that Chort guy?” Todd grumbled as we sped through the desert. “What a fucking tool, right?”

After the demon of mischief had given us the information we needed, I released him from my spell. Chort promised to stay out of our hair from now on, but he also gave us one of his business cards just in case we ever needed an informant on the inside.

We took his card, thanked him, and then the five of us got the fuck out of there as quickly as possible.

“He gave us the information we needed,” Ira argued. “Even if we did have to knock it out of him the fun way.”

“Yeah,” Todd agreed. “After he exhorted us. Also, what was with the way he talked? What kind of fucking idiot uses the same catchphrase after every sentence, bro?”

“I dunno, Todd,” Cupi said coyly. “It would get pretty annoying after a while.”

“No doubt, dudette,” the imp continued. “No doubt. Then there was the fact that he made everything into a joke. That was a life or death situation, and he’s cracking jokes? Totally unrealistic.”

“I dunno,” Libidine interrupted. “He very much reminded me of somebody else I know.”

“Sia?” Todd asked. “I just don’t see the resemble--”

“No,” Liby sighed. “You know, uhhh, somebody who’s also hilarious, mischievous, and fun-loving.”

“Ira?” Todd asked as he looked at the brunette succubus. “No offense, but her sense of humor is kind of dark, and--”

“No,” Ira sighed as she covered her face with her hands. “Liby is talking about someone else.”

“Okay,” Todd groaned as he rolled his eyes. “I mean, Cupi is super fun, but I think her joke timing is--”

“No,” the blonde groaned. “How are you so dense?”

“I’m just saying that this Chort guy is really annoying, and not funny at all,” Todd scoffed. “It’s like he didn’t even know he was actually the butt of all our jokes, and not really the one telling the jokes. It’s a total lack of introspection. Know what I mean?”

“No,” Ira said flatly. “We have no idea what you are talking about, Todd.”

“See?” he sighed. “I love you girls, but you just aren’t the comic genius that I am. That’s okay. Stick with me. I know funny, and I’ll let you all know when we encounter someone who is my equal in comic genius and delivery. What do you think, Jakey?”

“I, uh-- I’m just glad he cooperated in the end,” I stuttered. “He seemed like one of the few demons in this universe that I could actually tolerate. It would have been a shame if we’d had to take him out too.”

I tried to remain my normal optimistic self, but Chort’s revelation was eating away at my soul. We had been betrayed by a member of the Divine, somebody who knew our local hangouts and all of our contacts. That narrowed it down to one of two people.

Raphael or Uriel.

“Are you alright, Jacob?” Cupi asked with concern in her voice. “You’re not as talkative as normal.”

“I’m just thinking about what Chort told us,” I sighed. “You know what that means, right? Raphael or one of his friends might be playing double agent.”

“Raphey totally wouldn’t do that, bro,” Todd argued. “He’s my bestie. Right after you and the rest of the girls, of course.”

“I don’t know, Todd,” I admitted. “Whoever’s hiring these assassins is somebody that’s ‘near and dear’ to us and a member of the Divine? It’s either Raph or Uriel, and it sounds like Uriel might be six feet under right now.”

“Is it really six feet under if an Archangel dies?” Todd pondered aloud. “Wouldn’t it be ‘six feet above?’”

“What could Raphael possibly gain from betraying us?” Ira asked. “He was allied with you guys way before I was even part of the equation.”

“I’m with Ira,” Cupi added. “Raphael is one of the most pompous, goody-two-shoes I’ve ever met. The chances of him being a turncoat are next to nothing.”

“Still,” I warned, “he fits the profile, doesn’t he? Always disappearing off on mysterious ‘missions’ that don’t involve us. He knows all our greatest strengths and weaknesses. Also, did you notice how he never actually factored into that fight with the Spider-Demon?”

“Jacob has a point,” Libidine mused.

Todd hopped up onto the seat and crossed his arms. “No way, bro,” he grunted. “Raph may be a square, but he’s our square. He’d never do anything to hurt us.”

“I hope you’re right.” I sighed. “The last thing I want to be doing right now is fighting an Archangel, but it sounds like it’s a real possibility.”

“Why don’t you just call him up and ask?” the imp questioned. “I’m sure if you beeped him on his pager or Blackberry or whatever the fuck kind of archaic technology he has, he’d answer you right away.”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Cupi confirmed. “If you summon Raphael to our mansion, you could confront him directly. If he really has betrayed us, then at least we will have the element of surprise on our side.”

“You’re right.” I nodded. “Call up Sia, Gula, and Tris, and have them meet us back at the mansion. I hope and pray that I’m wrong about all of this, but if I’m not, we’re going to need all hands on deck.”

We continued on our journey back to Phoenix for another hour, and then we finally arrived back at our Tuscan style mansion. While we were traveling, Ira had contacted the other three succubi and informed them of the grim news. In the meantime, the five of us formulated something of a plan, just in case things went south.

“Alright, let’s go over this one more time,” I announced to my friends as we pulled into the driveway of our home. “I call Raphael, get him to come here, and then confront him with Chort’s news. If all goes well, then maybe we’ll talk it over and get to the bottom of all this. If it doesn’t, then be prepared to hit him with everything we’ve got. I know this is going to be hard, and emotions will be running wild, but we have to do this.”

Todd, the succubi, and I exited the vehicle and then walked into the mansion. The other three members of our group were already waiting for us in the living room, all with grim expressions on their faces.

“Is it true?” Sia asked the second we came into the room. “Has Raphael really betrayed us?”

“I don’t know, Sia,” I explained. “As much as I don’t want to admit it, he seems like the most likely candidate. You know, if things get too crazy, I won’t blame you for saving yourselves.”

“Nonsense,” Sia scoffed. “We would never think of such a thing. We are loyal to you first and foremost, Jacob. Right, girls?”

The other five succubi all answered with, “Right!”

“You are the one who freed us from our bonds of servitude and gave us a new life,” the madame explained. “If we must fight, then we will fight and die by your side.”

“Thank you,” I said with a tender smile. “I’m glad I’ve got such amazing friends who will always have my back, even if we’re facing down an Archangel’s wrath.”

“Please,” Cupi interjected. “I was a member of the Divine at one time, remember? They’re not all they’re cracked up to be in combat. If they were, why would this war go on for all eternity? The Divine are master manipulators and negotiators, and nothing more.”

“Then this should be a piece of cake,” I joked half-heartedly as I pulled out my cell phone. “Here we go, guys. Be ready for anything.”

I opened up my contacts, moved down to the Rs, and then tapped the name of the Archangel. My screen lit up with the default contact picture over a blue background and the angel’s cell number directly underneath. There was ringing on the other side of the line, and then I heard the sound of a microphone rustling in the wind.

“Jacob?” Raphael’s voice asked curiously. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Hey, Raph,” I tried to hide the nervousness in my voice. “We’ve got a situation over here. Could you get over here so we can talk in person?”

“Of course, my friend,” the Archangel’s booming voice confirmed. “I’ll be there in approximately thirty seconds.”

The line went dead, and then I pushed my phone back into my pocket and looked at all of my friends grimly. A few seconds later, the living room was illuminated by a blinding white light. In the center of the Heavenly glow appeared the outline of our friend, the tall and muscular Archangel, Raphael. The light subsided, and our “friend” greeted us with a warm smile.

“Hello, Jacob,” he said with a bow, and then he stood up and looked around the room. “I see you’ve got the whole party here! This must be urgent.”

“You don’t know the half of it, buddy,” Todd muttered.

“It is,” I confirmed. “This is a very, very important matter. But first I wanted to ask how the investigation into Uriel’s disappearance is going?”

“Unfortunately, all of our leads have gone cold,” the dark-haired angel admitted with a frown. “We tried going directly to the assassin’s guild to see if we could get any information out of them, but they just laughed us out of the building. None of my Divine friends have seen Uriel in weeks, and now I fear we might be too late to save him.”

“What makes you think he was even captured in the first place?” I interrogated the Archangel.

“Jacob,” Raphael explained, “Uriel has been one of the Divine’s finest warriors since the beginning of time. He wouldn’t just disappear off the face of the universe without so much as a letter. For Heaven’s sake, Uriel refuses to travel between the Realms without announcing himself with a chorus of trumpets every time he does so!”

“When was the last time you saw him?” I continued.

“Two weeks ago, maybe?” Raphael answered, and his voice was growing more defensive by the second. “The two of us had just finished serving together in the Battle of the Fiery Plains. Together with a few of our brethren, we took out an entire army of Myrmecoleons.”

“Ew,” Todd whistled. “Half ant, half lion creatures are no bueno.”

“Indeed,” Raphael confirmed. “Anyway, we had just finished decimating the forces of the Demonic, and then we headed back to our quarters in Heaven. Somewhere along the way, Uriel decided that he wanted to make another stop on Earth, and we parted company. That was the last time I saw him.”

“And he said nothing about where he was going or what he was doing?” I pressed further. “Nothing at all? He just went back to Earth and disappeared, just like that?”

“Jacob,” Raphael said with a raised eyebrow, “I’m sensing that you’re somewhat sensitive about this whole issue. What’s going on?”

“I just want to make sure we’ve got all our facts straight.” I sighed. “We’ve learned some very disturbing news in the last few hours.”

“Oh?” the Archangel asked cautiously. “Do tell. Did Aruna deliver on her job? I heard about the incident at the museum. It was all over the news. They tried to play it off as a ‘boiler explosion’ though.”

“Not from Aruna,” I explained. “This info came from Chort.”

“The demon of mischief and chaos?” The dark-haired man chuckled. “I hope you took whatever information he gave you with a heaping spoonful of salt. That demon will make up anything to sew chaos in the realms.”

“Funny that you discredit him before you even hear what he had to say,” I growled.

The Archangel crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his head to the side. “I’m sorry,” he questioned. “Did I do something to offend you, Jacob?”

“If what Chort said is true,” Libidine interrupted, “then you might have.”

“What did the lying demon say?” Raph now demanded. “What falsehoods did he fill your heads with about our situation?”

“He said that all of these assassins have been hired by a member of the Divine,” I finally admitted. “Somebody up in Heaven betrayed us, and I’ll give you one guess as to who our prime suspects are.”

Raphael looked shell shocked. His eyes were nearly as wide as saucers, and his mouth hung agape as his brow furrowed. Then, the Archangel doubled over and let out a booming laugh.

“A member of the Divine, hiring demonic assassins?” he bellowed. “I’ve heard some real side-splitters from Chort, but that’s a new one. Please tell me you didn’t take his words seriously.”

I tightened my fist. “We did, Raphael. We made him fear for his life, so he had no reason to lie.”

The Archangel’s laughs instantly stopped. He stood back into an upright position and then began to look around the room.

“Wait,” he gasped, “is that what all of you are here for? Did you think I-- I can’t believe you’d think I’d do such a thing! I’m no Benedict Arnold!”

“What does the dude from Sherlock have to do with anything?” Todd asked angrily. “Did you sell us out or what, bro?”

“Of course not!” Raph’s voice was now booming and vengeful. “How dare you, Jacob? How dare you slander the name of an Archangel, all because you believe the blithering lies of a demon?”

“Who else could it be?” I demanded. “It has to be one of you two, and you seem pretty adamant that Uriel is dead!”

“And you of all people should know by now that angels don’t fall,” Raphael growled. “Our spirits are pure, shaped in the image of the Exalted One himself.”

“Uh, hello?” Cupiditas interrupted. “You’re literally standing in the room with a fallen angel here.”

“Nonsense,” Raph scoffed. “You may have left the Divine, but you are not a ‘fallen angel’ in the sense Jacob is talking about. A member of the Divine, an Archangel, turning to the side of the Demonic and stooping so low as to hire assassins? That’s… That’s verging on blasphemy!”

“I saw the fear in Chort’s eyes, Raphael,” I continued. “He wasn’t lying. Honestly, I don’t know who to trust anymore. You’re not telling us something about Uriel, aren’t you?”

“So now I’m a liar?” the Archangel spat. “First, you accuse me of falling to the side of Lucifer, and then you insinuate that I killed one of my closest allies, and then you say I’m a liar?”

“Uh, one of those things is not like the others,” Todd observed.

“You’ve been a great ally to us, Raphael,” I argued, “but we can’t trust anyone nowadays. If you want to be one of the few people that I do trust, you need to come clean about Uriel right now.”

Raphael let out a huff and gritted his teeth. “Fine,” he finally conceded. “I have not been fully truthful with you all. I did make up my story about the last time I saw Uriel.”

“Why?” I demanded. “Why would you lie to our faces?”

“Because I was covering for him, okay?” Raph sighed. “Uriel has been sneaking down to Earth to have relations with a mortal woman. I’ve known about it for years, but I refused to tell anyone. The last time I saw my brother, he was headed back down to Earth to visit this woman. I fear that she may have had something to do with his disappearance.”

“What?” I asked. “You think she may have been working with the forces of the Demonic?”

Raphael sat down in one of our chairs and hung his head. “I don’t know,” he sighed, “but I think whatever happened to Uriel is my fault. I was covering for him when I knew I shouldn’t be. I was letting him visit this mortal woman even though it was forbidden by all the laws of both of our races.”

Todd walked over and patted the Archangel on the shoulder. “It’s okay, bro,” he tried to comfort Raph. “When you find that person that makes your heart beat to the tune of Barry Gibbs, it’s hard to stay away. He was gonna do it with or without your permission, Raphey Boy.”

Seeing the Archangel in this near-depressive state definitely sucked the tension out of the room, and I was relieved myself as it became clear to me that Raph wasn’t our guy.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Libidine added. “Uriel made the decision to break the rules, and he knew exactly what he was getting into.”

“He was a big boy,” Cupi nearly mocked. “There’s no point in feeling sorry for yourself, although it does kind of put a smile on my face.”

“Cupiditas!” Sia hissed. “That’s no way to talk to our ally. I trained you better than that.”

“Uh-oh!” Tris giggled and nudged Gula. “Cupi’s getting the ol’ tongue lashing from Superbia.”

“Some things never change.” Gula snickered back.

I walked over and sat down on the couch opposite of Raphael. “You said it yourself, Raph,” I explained. “None of us know what happened to Uriel. For all we know, he could be out in the middle of the desert with no cell phone service. So far, we’ve got no indication that he’s dead.”

“I suppose you’re right,” the Archangel admitted, “but even if he’s still alive, he must be in mortal danger. Whoever has been sending these assassins after you surely has he and I on their hit list as well.”

“That’s why we need to find this mole before they can do any more damage.” I nodded. “Do you know of any members of the Divine who could be dabbling in the Demonic? Anyone who might be holding a vendetta against my friends or me?”

“No.” Raph shook his head. “Angels don’t fall or dabble in the Demonic.”

“Again,” Cupi sighed, “I’m right here.”

“And again,” Raphael protested, “not the same thing.”

Suddenly, there were a series of vibrations in my pocket. I fumbled around in my pants, pulled out my ringing cell phone, and looked at the caller ID.

It was Oliver.

“Hello?” I greeted the cultist as I raised the device to my ear. “Talk to me, Oliver.”

“Jacob, I’ve got some big news for you,” Oliver sounded absolutely giddy. “It’s Uriel.”

“Uriel?” I asked excitedly, and the Archangel on the couch perked up when he heard my words. “Did you find him?”

“Yes!” the white-haired cultist exclaimed. “One of our members in the northwestern sect found him. He wasn’t able to make contact, but he’s following the Archangel as we speak.”

“Tell them to send me the coordinates when he stops moving,” I demanded. “We need to get to him before anyone else can.”

“Right away, Jacob,” Oliver confirmed, and then the line went silent.

“They found him!” I grinned at my friends. “Uriel is alive and well.”

Raphael nearly leapt out of his seat with excitement. The Archangel clapped his hands together, smiled, and then addressed the room. “Well then, what are we waiting for?” he asked rhetorically.

“Let’s go save an Archangel.”

Chapter 12

“What could Uriel possibly be doing all alone out in the desert?” I pondered aloud to my friends.

“Maybe he was lucky enough to escape his captors?” Raphael suggested as he checked the hammer of one of his jet black pistols. “Lord knows what kind of things they did to him while he was their prisoner.”

The Archangel, Todd, and I were all in the garage of our mansion, going through our various pieces of weaponry and tech. If we were looking to face a demon strong enough to capture an Archangel, we were going to need all the help we could get.

“Something just isn’t adding up, though,” I questioned as I grabbed a handful of small black demon traps. “If Uriel really did escape his captors, why hasn’t he tried to make contact yet?”

Raph shrugged. “They probably took away his phone,” he explained. “It’s a shame, too. He had a Blackberry and everything.”

“Then why didn’t he just try to teleport back to Heaven?” I continued. “Isn’t that a thing you guys can do?”

“Have you learned nothing, Jakey-san?” Todd asked accusingly. “They got a bunch of ugly-ass demon assassins working for them. Ectoplasm’s not just for ghosts, bro.”

“Todd’s right.” Raph nodded. “Ectoplasmic magic comes from the pure spirit of a being and can cancel out even the strongest Hellfire or Divine spell. They probably had him in a trap like the one our spider-friend used on us.”

Todd shuddered at the mention of the spider-assassin. “... And my night terrors are back,” he sighed. “Holy fuck! What’s this thing?”

The imp reached down into a large munitions box, fumbled around for a minute, and then grunted as he lifted up a massive minigun. Despite its name suggesting otherwise, this thing was huge. The gun was nearly twice the size of Todd’s body, and he struggled to keep his balance as he steadied it in his hands.

“I thought you’d like that.” Raphael chuckled. “That’s our newest model, and it fires six-thousand rounds per minute. I brought it down from the armory back in Heaven so that we could mount it to Jacob’s car.”

“Awww,” Todd said with a frown. “So I don’t get to go all Rambo on these bitches?”

“It’s much too heavy for that,” the Archangel noted and took the gun from the imp’s hand. Raphael sat the minigun back down in the box, and then he began to sift through the container full of guns, ammo, and explosives. Finally, he pulled out a small belt with several tiny circles attached.

“This seems to be much more your style.” The dark-haired man grinned. “Believe it or not, these little orbs are Divine impact grenades.”

“Ohhhh,” Todd murmured, “I’ve seen those before. You pull the pin and count to three, right? ‘Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two--’”

“I don’t think they’re that kind of grenade, Todd,” I said with a chuckle. “They’re impacts. They only explode when they hit their target really, really hard.”

“Exactly!” Raph exclaimed. “And that’s why I’m giving them to Todd. Normally, they’d need to be launched out of a grenade launcher, but I’ve seen the arm on this imp. He could play for the Diamondbacks if he wanted!”

Todd weighed the small grenade in his hand and looked up at the Archangel curiously. “Why would I want to play for a poisonous snake, bro?”

“I was referring to the baseball team,” Raph explained. “You know, the one that plays here in Arizona?”

“Bro,” Todd said as he shook his head, “do I look like the kinda guy who’s into sports? Especially baseball. I’d rather watch paint dry.”

Raphael put his hand over his heart, and his eyes got wide. “You don’t like baseball?” he gasped. “That’s one of my favorite pastimes!”

“Oh yeah.” Todd nodded as he slung the belt over his torso. “I guess I should have known. They did make a movie about it after all.”

I shook my head in amusement as I tossed a few more traps into my bag, strapped my dagger to my belt, and then lugged my duffel bag over my shoulder.

“That should do it,” I explained. “I think we’ve got every piece of artillery we could possibly think of. This asshole isn’t going to know what hit him.”

“What about the succubi?” Raphael asked as he slipped a bowie knife into one of the belts on his body armor.

“I think they’ve been ready to go for a while now.” I laughed. “Cupi claimed that all they needed was ‘their hand-to-hand weapons,’ and nothing more. But the joke’s on them… We’ve got some heavy artillery ready to go.”

We really did. Raph’s little side-trek to raid the armory of Heaven brought us a fuckton of cool new gadgets and weapons. The Archangel himself had all sorts of pistols, knives, and grenades tucked away in the pockets and belt of his white SWAT uniform, and he had the Divine’s equivalent of a FAMAS slung over his back.

Todd and I went a little bit lighter, but we still grabbed as much as we could. On top of the impact grenades he’d been given by Raph, the imp had snagged a tiny 9mm Beretta pistol he found in the box. Although we both insisted that a gun and grenades would be enough, the Toddster insisted that he bring along his pair of nunchucks that he’d bought off the internet.

Unlike my two friends, I was somewhat skimpy on the weapon side of things. My magic already made me a heavy hitter in the firepower department, so I opted to grab gear that was mostly tactical. My new duffel bag was littered with portable Keys of Solomon alongside a tiny trap that launched an enchanted Kevlar cord around its target. Todd so helpfully reminded me that it would be rendered useless if a demon had a laser sword, but I didn’t think that was going to be the case. Completing my arsenal was a hatchet multi-tool and a pair of goggles that Raph claimed could spot paranormal energy from nearly a mile away.

We were ready to kick some ass and take some names.

“Hold up, bro,” Todd beckoned as I turned to walk back into the house. “I’m still missing one teeny-tiny little thing.”

The imp looked around frantically and then dashed over to the old workbench that’d been installed in our renovation of the Quinn Mansion. He fumbled through the drawers until he found an old, grease-covered rag. Todd shrugged, folded it up into a tiny band, and then tied it against his forehead.

“There we go,” he mused as he finished his knot. “Now all I need to do is practice my slack-lipped drawl.”

“That won’t be necessary.” Raphael sighed and put his hand over his face.

Todd turned around and let his face go slack. “Yo, Jakey,” he said in his best Stallone voice, “you ready to go get our angel back?”

Even though I could tell Raph was annoyed, I thought it was funny as hell.

Finally, the three of us made our way back into the main portion of the mansion where we found Cupi, Liby, and Gula all standing around impatiently. Cupiditas leaned her fit figure up against her polearm and looked at us with an impressed gleam in her eye.

“Took you long enough,” she joked. “And they said us women take forever to get ready.”

“Yo, blondie,” Todd-Stallone scoffed, “there ain’t no better art form than the art of war.”

Libidine’s eyes widened with fear, and she ran over and put her arm around Todd. “Did-- Did Todd have a stroke or something?” she gasped.

The imp looked at her in disbelief and then patted her gently on the shoulder with a smile. “Nah, Lib,” he explained. “I’m just impersonating one of Earth Realm’s greatest warriors, that’s all.”

“Oh thank goodness!” The succubus sighed with relief. “I was afraid we’d have to get Superbia in here.”

“I’m already here,” the succubus madame protested as she walked into the room. “You think I’d sit back and let you go on this mission without me? Nonsense.”

“What about Ira and Tris?” I asked curiously as the brunette and the second redhead were nowhere to be found.

“I’m right here, man!” A puff of smoke rose from the other side of the couch as Tris’ voice answered. “I’ve been here the whole time, just trying out a few more of these strains. I think we’ve got it narrowed down to about ten or twelve that we can sell.”

Todd clapped his hands together with a serious look on his face. “Nonsense!” he growled. “Everybody knows that if you want to hang with the big boys in the weed industry, you have to get your number down below ten varieties!”

“I dunno, Todd,” Tris’ voice argued. “I’m all for, like, free choice and all that. Give the customer a million options, and they’ll always be happy.”

Todd put his hand over his face and let out an overdramatic sigh. “But if you give them too many options, they’ll feel overwhelmed, and you’re gonna have fewer people smoking the same thing,” he muttered. “How do you build a brand like that?”

“Alright, Mr. Boss Man, sir.” Tris’ hand peeked out over the edge of the couch and waved. “I’ll get it down to ten.”

“Thank you, Slothy.” Todd chuckled and then turned to me and whispered. “I’m really gonna have to give her a lesson in economics when we get back.”

“Quite impressive, Todd,” Sia uttered with a nod.

“Where was all this knowledge when you were in school?” I asked, mouth agape. “Maybe we could have had a nicer apartment if we’d put it to good use.”

“It’s always been there, bro,” he said matter-of-factly. “At least when it comes to the Devil’s Lettuce. Now, if you asked me about literally anything else, that’s probably a no bueno.”

“The Pythagorean theorem?” Raph challenged.

“Is that the one who had the weakness in his heel?” Todd answered. “The one who lived in Atlantis?”

“No, that was Plato,” Cupi corrected.

“And Achilles,” Gula added.

“First off, gesundheit.” The imp pointed at Gula. “Secondly, why the fuck didn’t anyone tell me Atlantis was on Pluto? That suddenly explains soooo much.”

There was a moment of silence as we all stared at the imp.

“Yep,” Cupi giggled, “Todd is our weed and demonology expert, through and through.”

“There’s no shame in that,” Sia admitted. “It just means he has his own special role to fill within the group.”

“Awww.” The imp grinned. “Strawberry Shortcake said I’m special.”

“Don’t let it go to your head,” I warned and then looked around once more. “I don’t see Ira, either. Politician stuff?”

“Unfortunately,” Libidine explained. “She had to run off and do some last-minute campaigning. The election is only a few days away, you know.”

“She thinks she’s got it all in the bag,” Gula explained, “but I gave her a little bit of a pep talk. I told her that it won’t be enough to just defeat her opponent. She needs to crush him like the cockroach that he is!”

“Wasn’t she up by ten points in the last poll?” I questioned. “I’d say that’s a pretty good margin.”

“It’s still not enough,” Gula said as she clapped her fist into her open palm.

“Sister Gula is right,” Sia added. “Statistically, ten points is not that large of a lead.”

“Alright, alright.” I put up my hands in defeat. “It’s okay. We’ve still got an Archangel, an imp, and five succubi at my side. That’s more than enough to--”

“Uh….” Tris’ voice interrupted. “Five succubi? I’m so far gone, I don’t think I could stand even if I wanted to. Which I totally, totally do.”

“Okay, fine.” I sighed. “Four succubi. We can still kick this demon’s ass with seven members of the group. Actually, that makes transportation easier anyway. Tris, you can sit this one out.”

“Score!” Tris’ exclaimed. “Er, I mean-- Bummer, dude.”

“Let’s head out,” Raphael interrupted. “Every minute we spend here is another minute Uriel’s life could be in danger.”

“Yeah,” Todd added. “Urinal isn’t going to save himself.”

“The cultist that’s tailing Uriel sent me his GPS location,” I explained and held up my phone for everyone to see. “It updates in real time, so we’ll always know exactly where the cultist is, even if Uriel moves and he has to follow.”

The seven of us headed out to the garage once again and hopped into Shadow. Though our Jeep Wrangler technically had five seats, we were able to squeeze in six people if Todd was in his imp form. Normally, the little guy would sit on the lap of whoever was riding shotgun. This time, when he saw Raph slid into the passenger’s seat, he refused.

“Ohhhh no,” he said with a shake of his head. “I’ll take the back. I don’t even think a ‘no homo’ covers riding on another dude’s lap.”

“Todd,” I sighed. “We’ve got four succubi in the back. Can’t you just--”

“It’s okay, Todd,” Liby chimed in. “You can sit on my lap, and you won’t have to say, ‘no homo.’”

The imp sighed, sauntered over to the back seat of the car, and then hopped up onto Libidine’s lap. Even though it was a tight fit back there, Sia was tiny enough that she was able to squeeze in between her sisters with plenty of room to spare.

We all buckled in, and then I turned the ignition and kicked Shadow into gear. The location of the cultist was illuminated on our dashboard’s GPS screen, and it looked like he was only twenty minutes away, headed toward Papago Park on the outskirts of town. It was now late at night, and the place surely was closed by now.

Then again, I doubt that’d stop an Archangel who was fleeing for his life.

“It looks like our targets have stopped moving,” I explained as I pointed to the screen. “Or at least, they’ve stopped moving fast.”

“That means your cultist is probably on foot right now,” Raphael explained. “He must be getting close to Uriel.”

“I still don’t get why he’s running toward Papago,” I pondered aloud. “Our mansion’s not that far away. Why didn’t he just go there?”

“I don’t know,” Raph said somberly. “He may be injured, or he might still have active pursuers on his tail. When your body is pumping with adrenaline, sometimes you don’t always see the most obvious solution.”

“Or he might be trying to keep whoever’s chasing him away from us,” Cupiditas suggested from the back seat. “Chort told us that a member of the Divine betrayed us, remember? Uriel might be trying to lead one of his fallen brethren in the wrong direction on purpose.”

“Angels don’t fall.” Raphael sighed. “I’m sure the words of Chort, the demon of deception and mischief, were planted in your mind just to sow doubt.”

“I think I’m with Raphey on this one,” Todd added. “That Chort guy was a total tool.”

“You spoke with Chort?” Sia asked curiously. “I haven’t seen him in decades. How has that little devil been?”

“Ugly, rude, and unhelpful,” Todd scoffed. “Just like I assume he always is.”

“Well,” I joked to ease the tension, “we’re going to find out soon enough.”

This really was a strange place for someone to flee. Though the Arizona night was dark and foreboding, this place wasn’t secluded or abandoned in the slightest sense. It was right next to the city zoo, for crying out loud.

I pulled Shadow into a parking space in the desolate lot and cut the engine. The only other vehicle I could see was a small Mitsubishi Mirage, one of those compact cars that looked like it belonged in the circus, not on the highway.

We killed the engine and exited our Jeep. We didn’t get more than twenty feet onto the main pathway before a sharp whistle drew our attention. Just off to the right, on one of the hiking trails, was a man in a navy blue robe. He was short and somewhat stocky, and he was waving his arms around crazily like one of those inflatable tube people at a car dealership. Finally, I gave the man an acknowledging wave, and he stopped flailing. The six of us cautiously approached the man under cover of the night, and he excitedly stuck out his hand to greet us.

“Martin Alden,” he stuttered. “It’s so nice to finally meet you, Jacob. I’ve heard so many stories of the great Jacob Ralston, but to actually be standing in your presence? I’m so humbled, sir.”

“Uh-- It’s okay,” I said awkwardly.

It’d been months since I’d taken over Azazel’s cult, but I still wasn’t one-hundred percent used to being worshiped as a living god on Earth. I honestly didn’t know what to say other than “thank you.”

“Oliver tells us you’ve found Uriel.” Raphael interrupted the awkward silence. “Where is he?”

Martin pointed in the direction of a large boulder off in the distance, less than a mile down one of the hiking trails of the park. “The Archangel went that way,” he explained. “He disappeared over that rock formation thing, and then I heard some sort of horrific sound. It almost sounded like the hissing of a snake.”

“And you didn’t investigate?” Raph growled. “Uriel could be hurt or killed or Lord knows what!”

The man in the navy robe just shrugged. “My job was to track the guy, not rescue him,” Martin argued. “Besides, I didn’t hear any screaming or commotion when that was over, so I figured it was just a coyote or snake or something like that. I was awaiting further orders before I did anything else.”

“Fine.” I sighed. “We’re here now, so you’re relieved of your post. Our team can take it from here.”

“Are you going to fight whatever’s over that hill?” the cultist asked eagerly. “I would love to see the Jacob Ralston in action!”

“We can take it from here,” I reiterated. “I don’t know what’s on the other side of that hill, but I can assure you it’s going to be dangerous.”

“Of course,” Martin agreed, “but they will be no match for Jacob and his mighty band of succubi and his imp.”

“You’ve done enough, Martin,” I reassured the cultist. “Go home and get some rest.”

There was another awkward silence as we all hoped the guy would take the hint, but he still just stood there like a shell-shocked fanboy.

“I promise I won’t get in the way,” he started, “I’m actually pretty good with--”

“Bro,” Todd interrupted with a loud sigh, “Jakey’s telling you to go home.”

The man looked at Todd curiously, but he didn’t seem to follow.

“Amscray,” the imp continued. “Vamoose. Go on and git. Hit the ol’ dusty trail.”

“You want me to leave?” Martin asked, his voice full of confusion. “Why didn’t you just say so? I’ll be on my way, then. Good luck, master.”

“Don’t call me master,” I muttered, but the cultist was already on his way back to his clown car.

Martin hopped in, turned on the engine, and then slunk away into the desert night. Finally, my friends and I were alone.

“What do you think’s on the other side of that hill?” Libidine asked fearfully. “The demon that captured Uriel?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted, “but we have enough firepower to take down a small army. Whatever or whoever it is, we’re going to go kick its ass and save the Archangel.”

“Urinal’s gonna owe us sooooo much,” Todd said giddily. “I’m totally gonna ask if he can buy us a seventy-inch TV as repayment.”

“That seems like a low figure if we truly do destroy a beast capable of bringing down an Archangel,” Sia scoffed.

“I think his help in the fight against Azazel’s forces is more than enough repayment,” Cupiditas pointed out. “Now, let’s go see what trouble our friend has gotten himself into.”

As she spoke, the fit blonde reached behind her back and pulled out the polearm she’d swiped from the cult headquarters. It was only about two feet in length collapsed so that it’d fit on the succubus’ person, but then Cupi twirled the weapon, pressed a button, and the weapon snapped out and tripled in size.

Meanwhile, Gula and Liby were also preparing for the battle that lay ahead. The redheaded succubus outstretched her hands, summoned red Hellfire, and then spread them outward. As she did so, her massive, glowing red battle-axe appeared in her grasp. Gula smiled wide as she rested the enchanted weapon over her shoulder.

Libidine was much more subtle in her preparations. The curvy, dark-haired succubus summoned yellow Hellfire of hatred into her right hand and red Hellfire of passion into her left. At the same time, a flash of purple shot out of her back to herald the appearance of her bat-like wings.

“I must be ready, just in case you need me for crowd control,” she explained.

“I really fucking hope we’re not dealing with a crowd.” I let out a sigh, drew my goat-headed dagger, and then pulled out the pair of high-tech goggles from my duffel bag.

“Nobody told me we were playing superspy,” Todd protested. “I thought we were gonna go in there all guns blazing?”

“That would be very unwise, Todd,” Sia spoke up. “As Sun Tzu would say, ‘the supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.’”

“Pffft,” Todd said with a wave of his hand. “This Sun Tzu guy sounds like a pussy. It’s not like he wrote the book on warfare or anything like that.”

“Actually, he did,” Sia corrected, but the imp was already ignoring her and jab-punching his fists into the blank space in front of him.

I placed the elastic band of the goggles against the back of my head and then pulled the lenses down into place. “It all depends on what we’re dealing with, and the only way we’re gonna find out without going in blind is with these bad boys. Raph claims these goggles can detect metaphysical energy from nearly a mile away. If Uriel or any demon asshole is anywhere near us, we’ll be able to find them.”

Right now, I don’t even think I could find a circus clown if they were standing a foot in front of me. Everything was pitch black in these goggles, and I worried that I was going to trip and fall if I didn’t get my bearing soon. I reached up and fumbled around as I looked for any sort of switch or button that would help me out.

“Here,” Raphael offered. “Let me get that for you.”

I felt the Archangel’s finger press against the top of the goggles’ front, and then there was a quick computerized beep. Instantly, the lenses sprung to life, and I was met with the image of the desert, illuminated by a sickly green. I turned my head slightly to the left, and the glowing figures of Todd, Cupi, Liby, and Gula appeared. The outlines of my friends were similar to what you’d see if you were looking at them with infrared goggles, but they were all one unified, glowing color. Their metaphysical energy radiated off their bodies like sparks from a flame, and at this moment, I realized just how powerful the succubi had gotten since we had first met.

“I must admit, Raph,” I chuckled, “these are pretty badass.”

“What do you see?” he asked.

I figured he didn’t want me saying ‘my women looking super hot and powerful,’ so I turned around slowly toward the direction Martin had pointed us in, and my heart fell into the pit of my stomach. Off in the distance, just beyond the large boulder, was a small army of tiny figures.

“Holy shit,” I gasped.

“What is it?” the Archangel demanded. “Is it Uriel?”

“Much, much worse.” I sighed. “It’s a bunch of Daeva.”

“Daeva?” Raphael muttered, unconvinced. “Are you sure? The Daeva are powerful adversaries, but they don’t have the capacity to take down an Archangel.”

“Please,” Cupi scoffed quietly, but just loud enough so that Raph could hear her.

“I’m glad you can joke, Cupiditas,” Raph snarked back. “My friend is in mortal danger here. I don’t understand how--”

“Wait.” I cut off the dark-haired man. “I think I see our Archangel.”

At the back of the crowd of tiny glowing figures now stood the outline of a tall, winged man. The second he appeared in my view, the night air rang out with a sound of excited hissing, and the tiny bodies jumped up and down. They parted like the Red Sea, and then the tall figure slowly made its way through the crowd. He ascended what looked like a small hill, stopping only when he got to a large hole in the boulder on top. The figure turned around, raised both hands into the air, and the crowd went silent.

“What’s going on, Jacob?” Liby asked. “I can see the shape of somebody up there on the hill.”

“It has wings,” Gula hissed. “Is it Beelzebub?”

“No,” Cupi gasped. “They’re much too feathery to be demon wings. I think that’s--”

“Uriel!” Raphael exclaimed. “What is he doing up there? Why isn’t he attacking the rejected gods?”

“I don’t like the looks of this, Jakey,” Todd spoke up. “My Toddster sense is tingling like crazy, and I’m ninety percent sure it’s not just gas this time.”

“My friends!” Uriel’s voice rang out across the park. “I’m so glad to see you’ve come.”

“See?” Raphael laughed. “He’s happy to see us!”

“I don’t think he’s talking to us,” Sia uttered with shock in her voice.

My heart sank into my chest when I realized what the succubus meant. Uriel’s back was completely turned, and he had no idea we were even here. He was talking to the Daeva.

“I’m sure you’re all wondering why I called you here,” the Archangel continued. “Well, my friends, it is because the final stage of the plan is coming together.”

My head began to spin once I realized what was going on. The assassins… Uriel’s disappearance… the Daeva… He’d set it all up.

“Soon, my friends,” Uriel’s voice echoed, “we will be rid of Jacob Ralston and his pesky succubi.”

Chapter 13

“What?” Raphael said in shock. “It--It can’t be. This must be a mistake. That has to be some sort of devilish trick from Lucifer! My brother Uriel would never betray us.”

My head was now spinning out of control, and my body threatened to give out beneath me. Our friend and ally, a freaking Archangel of the highest order, wanted me dead.

“I’m afraid that may be the case,” Libidine balked. “It all makes sense now.”

“What do you mean it makes sense?” Raphael argued. “None of this makes sense. Uriel is one of the Divine’s finest soldiers and commanders. What reason would he possibly have for associating himself with those abominations and calling for the death of a--”

“You know,” Todd interrupted, “if you’d just stop arguing for a minute and let the guy monologue, he’ll probably tell you everything you need to know, bro.”

Raph got quiet and then turned back to look at his friend on the hill. Meanwhile, I had to sit down on a nearby boulder to keep my body from completely failing me.

“The ‘Rejected Gods,’” Uriel mused. “That’s what they call you. That’s what the Divine and the Demonic claim that you are, horrific beasts that don’t belong in Heaven nor Hell, damned to an eternity here on Earth Realm. Well, my friends, I’m proud to tell you that your time has finally come.”

Cheers erupted from the Daeva, but then they were cut short when Uriel raised his hand once more.

“For the longest time, millennia actually, I bought into the ideologies of my people,” the Archangel continued. “I bought into all the bullshit and the propaganda. I really thought that destroying Lucifer and bringing about the apocalypse was the ultimate end goal. I believed that I was fighting for the side of righteousness, for the side that was going to bring peace and prosperity to the universe, and that would ultimately save all the Exalted One’s creation. Then I met him.”

This time, the crowd of tiny demons hissed and snarled.

“Many of your brethren have fallen to this mortal,” Uriel continued after a few moments. “A freak of nature who is endowed with all the powers of Heaven and Hell, and who grows stronger by the minute. You see, my friends, when I met Jacob Ralston, I instantly knew that all the propaganda I’d been fed through the years was false. Look at what Ralston has done in the last year. He shows up, takes a few succubi for himself, and then suddenly the entire balance of the universe is thrown off.”

The Archangel began to count off on his fingers as he spoke. “Treaties that have stood fast for centuries are torn up. The war between Heaven and Hell is reignited. Almost all of the Seventy-Two Servants have been slain. Need I remind you that these were some of the Divine’s most wanted criminals, and he’s killed almost all of them in just twelve short months? And what does he do after he’s slain these demons, I might add? He takes their money and their material goods and all the wealth they’ve accumulated over the millennia as if it were just chump change. As if his smug, human face was entitled to it.”

“Damn, Jakey,” Todd whistled. “I didn’t realize Urinal hated us so much.”

“Neither did I, Todd.” I sighed. “Neither did I.”

Uriel’s body motions became more and more exaggerated as he spoke. “No one mortal should have that much power,” the Archangel growled. “If we don’t act quickly, Ralston is going to take over everything. Sure, he’s focused on the Demonic at the moment, but what’s to stop him from getting power hungry? What’s to stop him from waltzing up into Heaven, killing all the Archangels, and then proclaiming himself as the new Exalted One? At this rate, nothing! Thankfully, I’m not the only one with these concerns. Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies, had agreed to break his sacred vows and join forces with us. Together, we can put an end to the abomination that is Jacob Ralston, and get things back to how they used to be.”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing!” Raphael still sounded like he was in shock, but he now had a twinge of rage in his voice. “This has to be a trick.”

Libidine put a slender hand on the Archangel’s shoulder, but he quickly jerked away. “Raph,” she said as she tried to comfort the dark-haired man. “I think you’re in denial. It’s hard for all of us to hear, but Uriel isn’t the Archangel you thought he was.”

Raphael now looked like he was on the verge of tears, and his jaw was clenched in disgust. “I just-- How could he do this?” he balked. “Hundred of thousands of years of working together, all down the drain?”

“You heard the man,” I snarled. “He thinks I’m a threat to the ‘natural order’ of the universe.”

“He can’t possibly be stupid enough to think that this plan will work,” Cupi spoke up. “Even if he were to kill all of us, things wouldn’t go back to ‘normal.’ The accords have still been broken, and he would be kicked out of Heaven for allying himself with a demon and the rejected gods.”

“You’re right,” Raphael perked up. “Maybe there is still hope for him yet.” Before any of us could say another word, the Archangel began to run toward Uriel.

“Wait, Raph!” I called out, but the man in the white SWAT uniform was already halfway down the pathway.

“Well, shit,” Cupi hissed and readied her polearm. “I guess we’re going in guns blazing after all.”

“Yeeeeeeessssss!” Todd cackled and cocked his miniature pistol. “I really wanted to pop a cap in some fugly demons’ asses.”

I stood up off the boulder and tossed the goggles to the side. Then, I extended my hand out, summoned red Hellfire, and enchanted my goat-headed dagger.

“Alright, quick plan,” I addressed my friends. “We’ve already dealt with the Daeva once before. If we want to take these little bastards out, we have to hit them as hard as we can. Shoot ‘em with enchanted bullets, crush them with oversized rocks, suffocate them, whatever it takes. Just make sure we hit them hard, or they’re gonna keep getting right back up.”

Gula moved her axe down to her side. “We’ve already kicked their asses once before,” the redhead reminded me. “This time, we’re going to have to kick their asses even harder.”

“This time, they have an Archangel on their side,” I warned. “Uriel is waaay deadlier than Azar could have ever hoped to be.”

“I think Raph is taking care of that one,” Todd interjected. “I’ve seen enough kung-fu movies to know that you never step between a warrior and his best-friend-turned-enemy.”

“I just hope Raph knows what he’s doing,” I growled. “I’m afraid he’s going to pull his punches, and that could easily get him killed. It doesn’t sound like Uriel is fucking around.”

“Then it’s a good thing that we’re not, either!” Cupi said as she twirled her polearm around her body gracefully and then turned the pointed end toward the ground. “Sisters, would you like to join me in slaying some Daeva?”

Libidine floated up into the sky, and Gula nodded excitedly.

“Liby, you take the crowd from above,” I ordered. “Gula, Sia, and Cupi… You guys hit ‘em from the outside. There aren’t a ton of the little asswipes, but we can’t have you getting surrounded. Todd, you go with Libidine. I want you to put that artillery of yours to good use.”

“And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee,” Todd said with a salute and then jumped up into Liby’s arms. “Let’s do this thing.”

“What about you?” Cupi asked.

“I’m a floater,” I explained. “I’ll assess the situation and help out whoever needs it the most.”

“Look at you,” Sia mused. “Acting like a natural leader. I’m so proud.”

“I do what I can,” I said with a nod. “Now let’s go hunt some Daeva.”

Cupi turned to follow the Archangel down the hiking path. The rest of us were right behind her as we trekked up the rocky desert trail as quickly and stealthily as we possibly could.

“Unfortunately, Beelzebub couldn’t be here tonight,” Uriel continued to monologue. “The Lord of the Flies had much more important matters to attend to, setting up a plan that will bring our enemies to their knees once and for all. If we don’t get to him first that is.”

The crowd of Daeva cheered and hissed like a deflated soccer ball. Uriel was really good at this speech-making shit.

We were now about two hundred feet away from the Archangel, but Raphael closed the gap instantly, and then he stood behind Uriel with his hands on his hips. There was a shocked gasp that echoed through the crowd, and their cheers turned into muted growls.

“What is the meaning of this, Uriel?” Raphael hissed.

“Well, well, well,” the other Archangel said as he slowly turned around. “You found us after all. And here I was afraid you were going to miss out on the party.” The blonde man leaned to the left so that he could see over Raph’s shoulder.

“And Jacob!” his voice boomed joyously. “So glad you and your friends could finally join us! Maybe Beelzebub’s plan isn’t needed after all.”

“What sort of trickery is this?” Raphael demanded once more. “Are you under the influence of some sort of Demonic spell?”

Uriel shook his head as we finally came up to his position.

“I’m afraid not, my old friend,” Uriel explained. “I hate working with the Demonic and the Daeva just as much as any other Angel would, but it’s for the greater good.”

“Greater good?” Raphael scoffed. “You’ve betrayed all of our brethren and the Exalted One himself!”

“‘Betrayed’ is too strong of a word, Raphael,” the blonde Archangel scoffed. “I like to look at it as my eyes have finally been opened. I now see just how unstable the balance of all things metaphysical is.” Uriel extended his long finger out and pointed it directly in my direction. “All thanks to him.”

“Jacob?” Raph continued. “He’s on our side! He’s slain countless--”

“Wrong!” Uriel hissed and gestured angrily with his hand. “Jacob Ralston is on nobody’s side but his own. Look at him! He’s been going around killing demons and stealing their possessions. He’s the head of a cult, and while he tries to play it off as nothing, he drinks up the admiration of anyone who will give it to him. He has a harem, for fuck’s sake!”

“So what if he’s beloved by those around him?” Raph argued. “Isn’t that what the Exalted One says is the symbol of a good man?”

Uriel nearly doubled over in laughter. “A good man?” he howled. “Jacob Ralston? Just wait. Do you think this all stops when Azazel and his minions are dead? The power he has will eventually doom us all. Beelzebub and I are just trying to get out ahead of the problem and stop him before it does.”

“Listen to yourself, Uriel!” Raph was now practically begging. “Jacob is our ally and our friend. He would never do anything to harm us!”

“That was always your problem, Raphael.” The blonde Archangel sighed. “You get so caught up in your own emotions that you can’t see the bigger picture. Jacob is your ally now but just wait. Wait until he gets a taste of his full potential and finds out his true purpose.”

“True purpose?” I interrupted the argument. “What the fuck does that mean, Blondie?”

“Nearly a year with the succubi and Jacob still hasn’t figured it out?” Uriel responded, but he wasn’t talking to me. He was talking to Raph. “I thought he was supposed to be highly intelligent.”

“Street smart ain’t necessarily book smart, bro,” Todd interjected, “but Jakey’s still a million times smarter than your sorry ass, Urinal.”

This time, Uriel actually broke his gaze away from Raphael and looked back at our group. His face contorted into a scowl, and his chiseled jaw clenched in anger.

“Is that so, imp?” he growled. “I’ve orchestrated this entire thing for weeks. Ever since I got a taste of Jacob’s true power in the Battle of Hell’s Gate, I knew something had to be done. Ever since then, I’ve been sabotaging your efforts at every turn. Who do you think was behind the assassins? Why do you think we’ve had a ‘hard time’ recruiting other members of the Divine to join our alliance?”

“You son of a bitch!” I growled and tightened my grip on my enchanted dagger. “We trusted you.”

“As I did you, Jacob,” the Archangel sighed, “but that was a poor decision. I did it more to appease Raphael, anyway.”

“Awww,” Todd mocked. “How sweet. He wanted to make his butt-buddy happy.”

Uriel’s face grew red, and his scowled intensified. “We are not-- You know what, I’ve had just about enough of you, imp!” The blonde Archangel turned back to Raph, and he summoned Divine light into his hands. “Step aside, old friend. My quarrel isn’t with you, it’s with those abominations.”

Raphael cautiously reached down toward his belt and put his hand on the hilt of his bowie knife. The man in the SWAT uniform stepped to the side so that he was now directly in front of Uriel’s face.

“You know I can’t do that,” he warned. “I’m not going to betray my friends. I’m not like you.”

“Fine,” Uriel growled. “Then I’m afraid you’ll have to die along with them!”

There was a flash of bright light, and Raphael was tossed back into the air. The Archangel caught himself on his massive feathered wings and instantly began to unleash a hailstorm of enchanted bullets down onto Uriel’s head. The blonde target ducked out of the way, rolled to his feet, and then blasted white light in our direction.

I tossed up the biggest shield of purple Hellfire I could muster in the nick of time, but even then, I could feel myself struggling against the Divine powers. I’d never fought an Archangel before, but they were apparently just as strong as all the stories would suggest.

Uriel’s blast was interrupted by the sound of unceasing gunfire, and the Archangel was forced to somersault backward to avoid being riddled with the deadly projectiles.

“Army of the Dejected, attack!” the blonde man screamed as he zipped up into the sky on his wings. “Rip them to pieces!”

“Jacob, you should come with us,” Libidine argued. “Uriel has made it clear that you’re his target, not Raphael.”

“Liby is correct,” Cupi added as she took a defensive posture at my side. “If you’re down there in the trenches with us, that bastard is less likely to attack. He’d kill his own army in the process.”

“That’s never stopped our enemies before,” I reminded her.

“Uriel might be a fallen Archangel, but he’s still an Archangel,” the blonde succubus continued. “He won’t fire on his own.”

The growls of the Daeva grew closer, and I assumed they were ascending the other side of the hill, yearning to sink their teeth into our flesh.

“Alright guys, I’ll let Raph handle this himself.” I sighed and then perked up as adrenaline pumped through my veins. “Time to activate our master strategy. Go!”

Libidine swept Todd up in her arms and flew past my right. Uriel tried to blast the succubus as she ascended, but his aim was thrown off when he was hit with a blast of Divine light from Raphael. As soon as Liby and Todd were high enough, I saw the muzzle flash of Todd’s pistol as it began to fire down on the Daeva. At the same time, Liby began to strafe and unload handfuls of yellow spears with her free hand.

“Split up!” I commanded the remaining two succubi. “I’ll take the front, you guys take the left and the right. If we can flank them, it’ll divide up their ranks, and they’ll be easier to handle.”

Cupi, Sia, and Gula dashed off to get in position. Meanwhile, I readied my enchanted dagger and summoned red Hellfire into my left hand. Then, I took a deep breath and charged forward. Blasts of Divine light pelted the ground all around me as I pushed forward, but none of them were able to connect.

Raphael was doing his job perfectly.

Finally, I got to the top of the hill and looked down on what we were dealing with. Hundreds of small, black-and-red demons were scuttling up the side of the hill as they hissed and growled into the night sky. The army of Daeva wasn’t as large as I had originally thought, but there were still plenty of the little fuckers to deal with.

Instantly, I unleashed a massive fireball down onto the ascending Daeva. A few of them were able to swing their bodies out of the way, but many of them weren’t so lucky. The skin of the Daeva closest to me was seared from his flesh, and his lifeless body fell backward as little more than bone and gore.

I was somewhat taken aback because red Hellfire didn’t seem to work on these guys before. Maybe making the connection with Gula and Tris made me stronger than I thought. I didn’t have much time to ponder because the remaining members of the army were approaching fast.

I launched a few more blasts of red Hellfire into the crowd, but this time it only caused a few of the little bastards to lose their grip and tumble down the hill. As strong as my Hellfire had gotten, the Daeva still had thick skin. Anything less than a blast at point-blank range wasn’t going to do the trick.

There was suddenly a shriek of pain as a few of the Daeva off to the left were tossed into the air. Off in the distance, I could see Gula’s glowing battle axe illuminating the night sky as it cut through the crowd. On my right, I could see Cupi’s slender figure was she twirled around her polearm. A gout of red flames exploded from her free hand like a flamethrower as she spun like the world’s deadliest lawn sprinkler. Then there was Sia, who was short enough that she was lost in the crowd. However, a few shots of black Hellfire gave her position away.

Well, that and the floating Daeva that she suffocated to death in her spell.

The first Daeva reached the top of the hill and leapt into the air. I lashed out at him with my enchanted blade and knocked him to one side. Before he could even hit the ground, one of Libidine’s yellow daggers struck him through the shoulder and pinned him helplessly to the ground. I finished him off with a flash of red Hellfire and then turned my attention back to the others.

Three more of the little demons were vying with me for King of the Hill, and I was forced to throw up a portal of green Hellfire just as their jagged claws shot out to disembowel me. The attacking Daeva’s hand reappeared behind another one’s head, and it sliced open the fucker’s skull like an overripe watermelon. I quickly dispatched the third attacker with a blast of red Hellfire at point-blank range, and his entire body dissolved under the fiery spell. Then, while the first Daeva was still in shock from feeling his friend’s brain, I caught him in a cast of green flames. The black and red demon flailed wildly as he hung in the air, and then I looked up to see Liby and Todd making another pass.

“Hey Liby!” I called out to the approaching succubus. “You need some target practice?”

The Daeva’s eyes grew wide as I moved my hand upwards and launched him into the air. Once his body was about a dozen or so feet above me, I heard the muted crack of Todd’s Beretta, and a spray of dark-red demon blood splashed onto the sand in front of me. I released my spell, and the Daeva’s body fell to the ground, lifeless.

Another small wave of the tiny demons reached the top of the hill, but they didn’t get any farther than that. As soon as they took a step in my direction, one of Todd’s impact grenades smashed into the rocks in front of them. There was a blinding white light, a loud boom, and then the six or seven approaching Daeva’s were turned into a gory spray of dismembered body parts.

“Good shot, Todd!” I called up to the aerial team.

“Thanks, kid, but don’t get cocky!” Todd snickered and then fired off another couple of shots into the crowd below.

I surveyed the small battlefield again and tried to find a way to take out these Daeva all at once. The six of us had been successful in thinning their ranks, but there were still at least a hundred of the grunts left. Gula was still blasting them with oversized fireballs and slicing at them with her battle axe. The redhead’s blade wasn’t of any use against the Daeva’s thick skin, but it looked like she had found a way to improvise. Instead of slicing the demons’ limbs off their bodies, Gula was using her battle axe as a bludgeoning weapon, and it was working like a charm. As the curvy redhead advanced, she left a trail of battered piles of flesh and crushed bone in her wake.

On the other side of the battlefield, it looked like Cupi was faring just as well as her sister. As I looked over at the succubus, she struck one of the Daeva between its legs with her polearm, flipped him into the sky, and then spun around and blasted him with red Hellfire. His skin melted off his flesh like it was made of silly putty, but Cupi didn’t have time to savor the victory. She spun, hooked another Daeva around the neck with the pointy side of her polearm, and then flung him into the crowd of his brethren. The fleshy projectile struck a group of Daeva, and they tumbled to the ground as if Cupi had just bowled a strike.

Off in the distance, Sia was getting creative with her attacks. She picked up clusters of the Daeva with her black Hellfire of fear and was using them as a makeshift flail. The petite redhead knocked the bastards away and then blasted any that got too close with a flash of red flames.

We may have been in the midst of battle, but the sight of my friends kicking demon ass so effortlessly brought a stupid grin on my face.

Though the succubi and Todd were taking care of a huge portion of the Daeva army, there were still a few dozen who were ascending the hill in front of me. That meant there were still a few dozen bloodthirsty demons who had the intent of ripping me limb from limb, and that just wouldn’t do.

I needed to improvise, just like my succubi.

The next wave of demons approached from below, and I noticed that they struggled to keep their balance on the rocky hillside. I needed to use this environment to my advantage.

I blasted a handful of red fireballs into the ground in front of me and caused a spray of rocky debris to kick up. Quickly, I repeated this action three more times until the small pile of debris turned into a rather large bundle of jagged rocks. Then, I encased the entire pile with emerald Hellfire and raised it into the air. Despite my increasing power levels, the rocks still felt like they weighed a ton, and I heaved deep breaths as I moved them into position.

The Daeva must have realized what I was doing because many of the little devils tried to turn and run back down the hill. Unfortunately for them, I was way too fast.

I moved my glowing green hands outward, and the pile of rocks spread out in front of me in response. Then, I heaved my arms down, and the large jagged projectiles followed suit. The remaining Daeva in front of me scrambled to get away, but they weren’t fast enough. Some of their heads exploded underneath the weight of the rocks, and the few who did survive the onslaught found themselves buried alive underneath the pile of rubble. Muffled wails of pain radiated out from underneath the jumble of rocks, but they grew silent after a few more seconds.

I’d taken care of my third of the battlefield. Now, I just needed to help my friends in whatever way I could. Another quick survey of the scene reminded me that the succubi and Todd were doing just fine on their own, with Daeva grunts falling left and right.

That just left the two Archangels. I turned around and saw that Raphael and Uriel’s epic battle had moved down into the parking lot of the park.

Chunks of asphalt were laying all around the disheveled lot, and the two combatants both looked like they were about to fall over from exhaustion. Raphael readied his FAMAS and squeezed off a few rounds at his target, but Uriel was able to knock them away with what looked like a whip made of pure Divine light. The sound of thunder rang out across the desert night as the blond Archangel cracked the whip, and the bullets disintegrated in midair.

Uriel cracked his whip again, and it swung forward and knocked Raphael’s rifle out of his hands. The Archangel brought his weapon back above his head once more, but this time his opponent was too fast, and Raphael reached down onto his belt and then tossed a handful of cylindrical grenades at the blond man. The grenades exploded just inches away from Uriel’s face, and the Archangel was thrown backward. His body tumbled across the landscape and through a few cactuses before he finally rolled to a stop.

Uriel wasn’t out though. Almost instantly, the blond Archangel launched himself into the sky and launched a blast of Divine light down onto Raphael. The torrent of energy struck right where Raphael was standing, and the pavement shot up in a circular pattern as his body was engulfed by the blinding flash. When Uriel finally let up, the smoke cleared to reveal Raph laying at the bottom of a tiny crater.

The dark-haired Archangel rolled over and tried to stand, but he was beaten. Instead, Raphael collapsed back onto his stomach and went limp. Meanwhile, Uriel’s figure lifted up into the air and fluttered toward his fallen target at breakneck speed.

That shit just wasn’t going to fly, not on my watch.

When Uriel was just a few feet away from Raph’s unconscious body, I threw up a wall of purple Hellfire. The Archangel must have been caught by surprise because he tried to fling himself out to the right of the expanding barrier. However, it was no use, and Uriel’s perfect face slammed right into the barrier at full speed.

The fallen Archangel’s momentum was halted, and he fell to the ground hard. As he stood up, I noticed that he was nursing his right shoulder.

Good. This fucker was going to be hard enough to bring down so any weakness I could exploit would be helpful. I began to run down toward the Archangel, my enchanted sword at the ready.

“Ralston!” Uriel screamed as he saw me approaching.

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out,” I snarked as I got closer and readied my weapon.

Uriel struggled to get back to his feet which left him wide open for my first attack. I pulled my flaming dagger back behind my head, aimed for the Archangel’s jugular, and then swung it as hard as I could. At the last moment, Uriel’s hand shot up and caught my weapon directly by the blade.

“You’ve been a thorn in our side for far too long, Jacob,” the blond man hissed, and then his hand began to glow with Divine light.

I tossed down a small barrier of violet Hellfire right as my opponent unleashed his attack. The impact of the blast against my shield was intense, and I stumbled backward. Uriel yanked my goat-headed dagger out of my hand, tossed it to the side, and then clapped his hands together to increase the power of his blast.

At the same time, I tried to match him by summoning purple flames into my left hand and increasing the size of my shield. Though the dancing violet spell was enough to keep me alive, Uriel’s power was insane. My entire body was slowly being driven back by the sheer force of the attack, and it felt like my shoes had zero traction against the rough asphalt under my feet.

I closed my eyes and began to think about the odds we were up against. This was an Archangel, not a low-level demon or paranormal assassin. A fucking Archangel. Now that Raph was down, I was the last line of defense between my friends and one of the most powerful creatures in existence. My entire being screamed with rage at the thought of what he’d do to my friends if I couldn’t bring him down.

As I thought about what was at stake, my feet stopped sliding, and my body felt like it was surging with power. A familiar throbbing sensation pressed against my temples as I caught a glow of blue from the corner of my eyes. My horns must have been growing along with my newfound strength.

I cast white light into both of my hands, and my purple shield disappeared. It was replaced by a massive beam of my own Divine energy, and I pushed back against Uriel as hard as I could. The two blasts of light struggled back and forth as they tried to overtake each other, but neither one of us seemed to be able to grab the upper hand. Finally, the backwash from the spells began to flood over both of us, and we were forced to release before there was an explosive aftermath.

Uriel’s body was heaving, and he was still nursing his right shoulder. “Foolish mortal,” the blond man growled. “You could have had a simple life. You could have just fucked a succubus and moved on with your shitty existence as if nothing had ever happened. But no, instead you had to go and get yourself involved in all of this, and for what? Just so you could have a couple good fucks?”

“Such a potty mouth,” I shot back. “I thought you were supposed to be Heaven’s golden boy?”

“Look at you!” the Archangel hissed. “Even now, against the greatest odds you’ve ever faced, you’re still cracking jokes. So arrogant.”

“Says the guy who wants to completely overthrow Heaven and Hell and take over,” I reminded him. “Talk about lofty goals.”

I really didn’t give a fuck about what Uriel was planning to do, but I had to keep him talking. Behind the blond Archangel, Raphael had pulled himself to his feet and drawn his Bowie knife. The dark-haired warrior was approaching Uriel stealthily, ready to go in for the killing blow.

“You seem like a decent guy, Jacob,” Uriel admitted. “I’m actually somewhat sorry I have to kill you and your friends. But only a member of the Divine deserves the kind of power you have.”

“Ouch,” I mocked. “I didn’t realize you looked down on mortals so much.”

“Mortal?” he scoffed. “You think that’s the reason for all this? Trust me, Jacob, I wouldn’t--”

Before he could finish, Raphael drove the blade of his Bowie knife into the back of Uriel’s torso. The tip of the weapon shot through the Archangel’s chest and sent a spray of bluish-red blood onto the pavement. In one swift motion, Raphael pulled the knife out of the Archangel’s chest and sliced open the tendon in his right leg.

Uriel let out a grunt of pain as he fell to his knee and grabbed the gaping wound in his chest. As Raphael held the knife to his throat, he began to laugh maniacally.

“What’s so funny, Uriel?” Raph demanded. “You’ve lost.”

“No, my friend,” he chuckled, “I haven’t. Do you really think I would come out here with a tiny army of Daeva if I thought there was any possible chance I’d lose?”

“What are you getting at?” I snarled.

“This isn’t Uriel.” Raphael sighed. “At least, not all of him.”

“What do you mean ‘not all of him?’” I said in shock. “He seems pretty complete to me.”

“Foolish mortal,” Uriel laughed.

“One of Uriel’s powers is that of mirror magic, much like your Ira,” Raphael explained. “He can split himself into multiple clones, more than the Sister of Wrath, but unlike her, each one is less powerful than the Archangel himself.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. “So you’re telling me that this guy,” I said as I pointed to the defeated Archangel, “this guy who defeated you handily and nearly took all of my strength to bring down, isn’t even Uriel at full power?”

“I’m afraid not.” Raph shook his head sadly.

“I was hoping one of my clones and a small group of Daeva would be sufficient to kill you, Jacob,” Uriel choked as blood dribbled down his mouth. “But it looks like I’m going to have to get my hands dirty, after all.”

“Fuck you,” I spat at the blond man who was now wearing a shit-eating grin on his face.

“See you sooooon!” He chuckled ominously.

The Uriel clone’s laughs were quickly silenced by the motion of Raphael’s knife across his throat. Bluish-red blood poured out onto the Archangel’s white robe, and then his lifeless body fell to the pavement with a wet plop.

“I was afraid that was the case,” Raphael said somberly as he wiped the blood off his knife with a cloth. “Uriel always defeats me handily when we spar in practice. I was doing too good against him this time, so I suspected something might be wrong.”

“Holy fuck,” I said as I rubbed my forehead. “This is bad.”

The Archangel put his hand on my shoulder comfortingly. “Yes, it is,” Raph admitted, “but now that we know Uriel’s true nature, we can prepare. The next time we face him, we will be ready.”

“Way to go, Raphey boy!” Todd’s voice exclaimed from above. “You got the sonofabitch!”

Libidine and Todd landed next to Raphael, both of their faces grinning happily. “We have taken out the remaining Daeva,” Liby explained proudly and pointed to the top of the hill.

Cupi, Sia, and Gula were standing in the opening of the large rock, and they were all covered with dark red demon blood. The succubi gave me a celebratory wave when they saw us looking, and I returned the gesture.

“That’s good to hear,” I smiled, “but our fight isn’t done yet.”

“What do you mean it’s not done yet?” Todd motioned dramatically to the Uriel clone’s body. “The dude literally had his throat cut, slaughterhouse style!”

“It’s complicated,” I promised the imp. “Let’s just get everybody rounded up and into the car before the cops get here. I can explain on the way back to the mansion.”

Maybe we were gonna need that roof-mounted minigun after all.

Chapter 14

“Wait,” Todd asked as we pulled up into the garage of our mansion. “You’re telling me that the guy we fought was only half of Urinal?”

“If even that.” Raphael sighed. “That could have been the Archangel at one-eighth of his power for all we know.”

“Well, whatever fraction it was,” I warned, “it was nearly too much for us to take alone. We’re going to have to step it up a notch if we want to defeat the real Uriel. That’s why we’re coming back here for now so that we can reload, rest, and plan our next move.”

The seven of us got out of the Jeep and headed toward the door.

“I’d imagine that the real Uriel couldn’t have gone far,” Libidine pondered aloud. “If his mission is to destroy us all, then he’d have to be somewhere within our area.”

“Or he’ll just keep sending assassins to take us out,” Cupi interjected.

“Bring ‘em on!” Gula said with a fist pump. “We make a pretty badass team. Honestly, I feel four times more powerful with Jacob than I did under Earl’s rule. We are a great team.”

“That’s the understatement of the millennium.” Sia chuckled.

“Earl wasn’t exactly a great leader,” Cupiditas added. “It’s hard to be a good team when your so-called ‘leader’ is so far up his own ass he can taste what he ate for lunch.”

“That’s probably why we were always on the losing side of those large battles.” Gula shrugged. “The Demon Kings may have been good strategizers, but they were waaay too ego-driven to actually function as one unit in battle.”

“I guess all they needed was Jacob!” Liby giggled. “He’s done things that nobody else in the history of the universe has done. I’m very sure he could have won all of those battles single-handedly!”

“See?” Todd spoke up from behind us. “It’s jokes like that that make Urinal see Jakey as a threat.”

“Agreed,” Raph added. “Jacob is one of the most powerful warriors I’ve ever had the pleasure to fight alongside with. Unfortunately, my former brother sees him as a dangerous usurper.”

“Usurper?” I laughed and unlocked the door of our home. “Usurper of what? I seriously just want to rescue the rest of the Circle of Sin, kill Azazel, and then retire to a life of luxury here in my mansion with my beautiful women.”

“I wish Uriel would see it that way,” the Archangel said as he shook his head. “He obviously thinks this is all the first step in some sort of master plan to take over the universe for yourself.”

“Well, he’s fucking crazy if he thinks that way.” I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I could have told you that, bro,” Todd added. “I was getting some serious Nazi vibes from his little speech on the hill.”

“You get ‘Nazi vibes’ from everything, Todd,” I reminded the imp. “Remember when you were summoned for jury duty?”

The imp stopped in his tracks, put one hand on his hip, and put his finger in the air. “Forcing us away from our homes to sit in a cold, dark room with a bunch of strangers to decide the fate of somebody that we don’t even know?” he argued. “And it’s for a whole week? And they only serve you cold meat sandwiches? I dunno what else you call it, bro.”

“A pillar of democracy?” Raph suggested. “A trial by your peers?”

Todd just shook his head and stared at the Archangel with bulging eyes. “Oh no,” he gasped. “They got you too?”

“Well, well... look who’s back!” Ira’s voice called out happily.

The dark-haired succubus was still in formal attire from one of her campaign events. Her black hair dangled past the diamond-studded earrings she wore on her lobes, and there was a beautiful golden chain on her neck that ran all the way down to her cleavage. Ira had on a tight, one-piece purple dress that was bespeckled with sequins and hugged her tight body like a glove. On top of that, the succubus wore a blazer that was as black as her smooth hair.

Ira walked over to us carefully as she tried not to trip over her own high-heels. “Have you heard the news?” she asked joyfully. “The latest polls are out, and I’m up by nearly thirty points!”

“Yeah,” Cupi explained, “that’s what generally happens when you expose somebody as being a sex trafficker.”

“You’d be surprised, my bodacious blonde,” Todd interrupted. “Politicians in this country get away with all sorts of shit like that. That’s why it’s so important that--”

“Finally!” Tris’ voice boomed as she stepped through the threshold of the entryway. “I’ve been waiting for you guys to get back for forever. It’s sooooo boring when you’re the only one home.”

“But, Sister Ira is here,” Libidine pointed out to the brunette succubus.

Tris looked over at Ira and frowned. “I totally didn’t see you there, sis.” The succubus shrugged. “I totally would have invited you to watch TV or play a game with me if I had.”

Ira extended a slender finger and tapped Tris’ nose like she was a cute puppy. “And I would have crushed you in any game we did play,” she reassured the Sister of Sloth. “I’ve been dying for some sort of release after a long day of political crap. I may be a sadomasochist, but the world of politics is rougher than even I could have imagined.”

“Exactly what I’ve been trying to tell you,” Todd started up again. “I--”

“So did you find Ariel or Utherial or whatever his name is?” Tris interrupted the imp.

“Oh, we found him alright.” I sighed and then motioned for everyone to follow me. “Come with me. You’re gonna want to sit down for this one.”

My friends followed me into the living area of the mansion and then sat down on the various couches, chairs, and benches. Once everyone was comfortable, I began to explain what we had seen up at the hill in the park. How Uriel had called for our extermination, and how he had claimed that he had partnered with Beelzebub and planned to create a “new order” in Heaven and Hell. As I spoke Ira and Tris were both dumbfounded.

“Of all the Archangels to fall, the last I would have suspected would be Uriel,” Ira said with a click of her tongue.

“Hey!” Raphael protested.

“No offense, Raphael,” Sia interjected. “It’s just that Uriel was the ‘golden boy’ of the Divine for so long, it’s hard to believe he would turn to the side of the Demonic.”

“But that’s the thing,” Cupi explained. “He’s not on the side of the Demonic. Uriel and Beelzebub have teamed up with the Daeva to create their own army. They’re on nobody’s side but their own.”

“Some army,” Todd scoffed. “I’ve been to Black Sabbath cover band concerts with more people than the guys we fought.”

“That wasn’t the whole army,” Raphael corrected. “That was only a small fraction of Uriel and Beelzebub’s forces.”

“Oh well,” Todd said with a wave of his hand. “Those guys were bitches, anyway. Did you see how they exploded when I hit ‘em with those impact grenades? Ahhh, it took me back to those days where my dad used to take me fishing…”

“Fishing with grenades?” Libidine asked curiously.

“I see you’re not too familiar with Missouri, dudette.” Todd chuckled. “If you didn’t know how to throw a hand grenade by the time you were five, your father would disown you.”

“I think that was just your dad, Todd,” I said cautiously.

“Sure thing, bro.” The imp waved his hand dismissively. “Next you’re gonna tell me that it wasn’t a rite of passage to get locked in an underground bunker for a month with nothing but cans of beans and an FM radio.”

We all stared at Todd silently, and his face contorted into a frown.

“Huh,” the imp mused as he rubbed his chin and pondered. “You know, that would actually explain a lot.”

“Whatever you intend to do, Jacob,” Superbia finally spoke up. “Know that the Circle of Sin will be there to help. All of us.”

“All of us?” Tris asked disappointedly.

“All of us.” Sia shot the Sister of Sloth a glare, and Tris was instantly quiet.

“Unfortunately, I don’t even know where to start,” I said as I rubbed the back of my head. “Uriel could be anywhere, but, more importantly, he knows where we live and could strike at any time.”

“Which just means we have to strike him first,” Gula explained as she slapped her fist into her palm. “I’m totally into the whole ‘preemptive strike’ shit!”

“Excellent,” Raphael exclaimed as he stood up. “We must start to strategize immediately. Who’s with me?”

All of my friends let out a resounding “yeah!” and then we all stood up and headed toward the dining room. I was at the back of the group, and the instant I started to move, I was halted by Cupi’s slender arm against my chest.

“Oh no, you don’t.” The blonde giggled. “You just saved our asses against an Archangel. You deserve to get some rest.”

“Yes, Jacob,” Sia cooed into my ear. “Let the rest of them do the heavy lifting. Raphael is more than capable of leading the strategy session, and Gula can cook us one of her delicious meals. You should just come upstairs and get some shut-eye.”

“Shut-eye?” I asked and raised my eyebrow coyly. “I don’t think there’s going to be much sleeping going on up there…”

Libidine walked over and began to rub her hand against my chest. “If it’s anything like normal, my eyes are going to be shut quite often… or at least, they’re going to be in the back of my head.”

“Come, Jacob,” Superbia purred.

The madame grabbed my hand and led me out toward the staircase, with Libidine and Cupiditas right behind. We made our way up the beautiful marble, across the soft carpet of the hallway, and then we nearly kicked open the door of my bedroom as we entered.

The second we were through the threshold of the bedroom door, Cupi pressed her tender lips against mine. As our tongues danced in each other’s mouths, I felt a gentle tug at my shirt as Liby and Sia nearly tore it off my chest. As the two succubi ran their hands gently up my naked back, I could feel the erection in my pants growing bigger and bigger.

“Oh, how I’ve missed this,” Superbia cooed, and then her slender hand reached around and massaged my dick through my pants.

I let out a small groan to voice my pleasure as the madame gently tugged at my cock.

“It’s my one regret, you know,” Sia continued. “Not being able to come with you on all these fantastic adventures the girls tell me about.”

“You know what they say,” I pulled my lips away from Cupi and teased the madame. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

Sia spun me around and looked me up and down with her dark purple eyes. “I can’t argue with that,” she admitted. “Nowadays when we get together, it’s like fireworks are going off in my soul.”

“I think that’s just every day with Jacob, Superbia.” Libidine giggled.

The dark-haired succubus reached down to her midriff and lifted up her shirt. Liby’s massive breasts lifted up with the fabric, and then they each plopped down perkily as it passed over her erect nipples. The succubus tossed her shirt off to the side, winked, and then gave me a little bounce.

“I think he enjoys that, Libidine,” Sia gasped as she felt my erection grow larger in her hand. “I don’t hate it, either.”

Cupi’s lips began to kiss delicately against my back, and then I felt the blonde succubus’ hands reach down and give my ass a firm squeeze.

“I think your muscles are actually getting more sculpted,” she whispered in my ear. “I didn’t even think that was possible.”

Meanwhile, Sia took a step back from my body and playfully pulled off her own top. The madame’s breasts were tiny and perky against her petite body, and her red nipples currently looked like they could cut diamonds. Her hands fumbled at the skirt on her hip, but Libidine stopped her.

“No, no,” Liby teased as she wagged her finger in front of Sia’s face. “Leave them on. They look really good on you, sister, and I think Jacob would agree.”

Both of the topless women looked over at me hungrily, and I could do little more than gulp and nod.

“That doesn’t mean you get to leave yours on,” Sia cooed.

The madame fell down to her knees, grabbed Liby’s waistband, and tenderly pulled the succubus’ pants down. Sia bit her lip as Libidine’s delicate flower was exposed and then she wrestled the pants completely off. The second Libidine was naked, Sia hopped up to her feet, put her slender hand between Liby’s breasts, and pushed her back onto the bed. Then, the redhead fell to her knees, wrapped her arms around Liby’s thighs, and buried her face in her pussy.

Liby’s entire chest turned red as her surprised gasping turned into moans of pleasure.

“Here, let me help you with that,” Cupi said as her hands began to wander down to my waist. The blonde succubus pulled down my pants, and my thick erection jumped to attention as it was exposed to the cool air of the bedroom. Without missing a beat, Cupi reached down, wrapped her warm fingers around the base of my cock, and started to pleasure me with a fluid pumping motion. At the same time, she went back to kissing the back of my neck and back.

Between the firm grip of the fit succubus and the sight of Sia going to town on Liby, I could feel my cock growing harder and harder by the second.

Sia continued to lick between Libidine’s legs, and Liby was loving every second of it. The madame kept one hand on Libidine’s curvy waist, and the other was outstretched toward her chest as she ran the succubus’ nipples between her fingers tenderly.

Libidine moaned as her eyes rolled back in her head and she ran her fingers through Sia’s crimson locks, stopping every now and again to force her sister down harder.

“It’s a wonderful sight, isn’t it?” Cupi purred. “But those two shouldn’t get to have all the fun.”

The fit blonde released my cock from her grip and then walked over to my side. She put her arm around my shoulder, and the two of us began to walk toward Sia and Liby, who were still completely into each other’s passion.

Once we got close enough, Cupi reached down and grabbed the bottom of Sia’s skirt. She folded the fabric up so that it was resting on Superbia’s back, and the madame’s warm, inviting pussy lips were revealed in all of their glory.

Before I could even react, Cupi grabbed my cock, gently pulled me forward, and then guided me into Sia. The redhead let out a shocked gasp as I entered inside her all the way, and then she briefly looked up from Libidine to give me a passionate stare.

“You just keep paying attention to Liby, sister,” Cupi said flirtatiously. “I’ve got things under control back here.”

Sia’s eyes narrowed. “You shouldn’t talk back to your madame, you know,” she joked, and then she turned back to pleasuring the Sister of Lust.

Superbia was already ridiculously wet, so it took next to no effort for me to glide in and out of her. I started off slowly, easing myself into her delicately with each thrust, and Sia’s muffled moans told me she enjoyed it.

Cupi gave me a wink and then stood up, strutted over to where Liby was laying and sat down. The fit blonde ripped off her own clothes piece by piece and then leaned down and began to kiss Liby passionately.

Watching Liby and Cupis’ tongues intermingle while they caressed each other’s breasts made my cock throb, and I could feel a dull tingling sensation in my groin. I wrapped my hands around Sia’s waist and began to go harder. The redhead’s hair bounced with each thrust, and she now was letting out a muffled groan every second or so. Her lips began to contract around me, and I knew that she was reaching the end of the line.

I reached down with my right hand and began to rub her clit as I pounded her, and Sia responded by pulling herself up and arching her back.

“Oh my!” she gasped. “Don’t stop-- Don’t-- Ohhhhhhhhh!”

Sia’s pussy quivered as she orgasmed, and that was the final straw. At the same time, I released my own orgasm and filled her full of my sperm.

I pulled my still-throbbing erection out of the redhead and nearly stumbled over. Of course, I wasn’t sure my legs were tired from the battle with Uriel or the ridiculous orgasm I just had.

“Oh, Jacob looks tired,” Libidine cooed from the bed. “Let him lie down, sisters.”

Cupi rolled over and patted where the sheets where she had just been laying were. She didn’t have to tell me twice.

I wobbled over and plopped down into the bed. The second I did so, Cupi’s naked body appeared down by my cock. She looked up at me hungrily as she took my renewed erection in her hand and began to stroke. Then, she pursed her lips together, moved over toward the head of my dick, and shoved it into her throat.

I moaned intensely as her warm mouth slid all the way down the shaft of my dick. One of the succubus’ hands reached over and slid behind the small of my back, and the other rubbed gently over my balls in a circular motion.

Cupi pushed against the small of my back and forced my dick even further into her mouth. She let out a gurgled sound of satisfaction as she pulled up and stared deeply into my eyes. The fit blonde then alternated back and forth between deepthroating my cock and running her legendary tongue around the shaft as if it were an ice cream cone.

Meanwhile, Sia had gone back to pleasuring Libidine. Beside me, Liby was making tiny squeaks of satisfaction as her madame’s face burrowed into her vagina.

Once I was back to full mast, Cupi decided that it was time to go in for herself. She pulled her lips off my dick, crawled up so that our pelvises were even, and then slowly slid herself down onto me. Her eyes fluttered underneath her eyelids once she was all the way down, and she bit her lip to keep herself from screaming.

Cupi’s fit body moved up and down as she ground against my cock, and her small, perky breasts bounced against her chest vigorously. Libidine’s moans grew louder and louder in my ears, and the sound made me want to finish her off myself.

Small groans were now slipping out behind Cupi’s pursed lips, and the succubus slowed her motions. She rose up and down on my dick, taking each moment to savor it entering and exiting her pussy. After the third time of doing this, the blonde’s body began to tense. Cupi started to move a little faster, and then she froze.

“Oh-- I-- Ohhhhhhhhh,” she screamed as she orgasmed on top of me.

The succubus fell down onto my chest and kissed me delicately. She then pulled back and looked up at me innocently with her bright purple eyes.

“Want to see if Sia needs any help?” She giggled and pointed down to the back of Superbia’s head.

“What do you think, Lib?” I asked the succubus who was now nearly incoherent as she gasped and groaned.

“Y--Yes!” she got out between gasps, and then she tapped Sia on the head.

The madame pulled back and looked up at the three of us. She instantly understood what we were getting at, and she stood up and walked over to Liby’s left.

I got up onto my knees, crawled over to the dark-haired succubus, and gently slid my cock inside of her. Libidine wrapped her legs around my back and pulled me in as deep as I could go. She let out another gasp of pleasure as I started to pound in and out of her wet pussy. Cupi leaned over and delicately sucked on Liby’s pert nipples, while Sia reached down with her left hand and rubbed at the succubus’ clit. Thanks to the three of us, Libidine was on cloud nine.

It didn’t take Liby long to reach the finish line. Her breasts shook with each thrust of my hips, and her face was getting redder and redder by the minute as she tried to keep from cumming. Finally, her eyes rolled back in her head, and she let out the loudest, longest moan I’d ever heard in my life. Her lips trembled against my dick, and even though I had just climaxed inside of Superbia, I was able to reach another, and my balls spasmed as the last of my cum filled Liby’s accepting body.

I pulled myself out of the dripping succubus, crawled up to the pillow beside her, and collapsed. “Holy shit,” I panted. “That was… That was just what I needed after today.”

Cupi nuzzled up against my right side. “You’re welcome,” she said lovingly

I wrapped my arm around the blonde succubus, and then I outstretched my left arm so that Liby and Sia could snuggle up closer. Both of the succubi giggled as they crammed together, and the four of us formed a cozy pile of warm bodies on our California King.

“Talk about a release.” Sia sighed. “Remind me to stay away longer next time. Maybe that will make our lovemaking even more intense!”

“Maybe,” I joked back, “but I don’t know how much better it can get than this.”

“Me either,” Libidine purred as she nuzzled up against my chest.

The four of us laid together, snug and comfy. The next thing I knew, my eyes fluttered shut, and I was fast asleep.

Chapter 15

When I woke up, I noticed that all three of the succubi were gone. I rolled out of bed and groggily fumbled for the pair of pants I had been wearing just an hour ago, and I tugged them up onto my waist. The clock in the corner of the room read 3 am, and I rubbed my eyes when I realized just how long I’d been out. I stumbled over to my walk-in closet, grabbed a shirt off the hanger, and then made my way downstairs.

The second I hit the marble staircase, I was jolted awake by the smell of frying bacon and the sound of people talking loudly in the living room. I hurried down to greet my friends and saw that they were all standing in different parts of the room, chatting it up with each other.

Tris was lying on the couch as she talked to Sia and Liby and made animated motions with her hands. Meanwhile, Ira, Gula, and Cupi were over by the breakfast bar and crunched away on some sort of burrito-looking food item.

“Good morning,” I announced as I entered the room. “Even if it is an early one.”

“Did you sleep well, Jacob?” Sia asked from her seat in the chair. “I know I did.”

“Like a rock.” I chuckled and shot the redhead a wink. “So what’s been going on here since I was… pulled away for some rest?”

“You don’t have to be so humble, dude,” Tris interjected. “Liby told us all what you guys did. I’d say it sounded fun, but four people at the same time sounds exhausting.”

“Speak for yourself,” Ira shot back. “That sounds marvelous. So many holes… so many appendages…. so many opportunities for fun!”

Gula stood up from her stool and dashed over to me with a foil-wrapped log in her hand. “Here,” she said as she extended the item out to me. “I made us all breakfast burritos. I figured we’d need all the nourishment we can get if we’re going to fight an army of Daeva and an Archangel.”

“Thanks, Gula.” I grinned at the curvy redhead. “You know how much I love your cooking.”

Gula blushed and looked down at the ground. “Stop…” she muttered.

“No, seriously,” I reiterated. “If you made all of our meals, I don’t think I would ever have to eat out again.”

“That’d be a shame.” Libidine sighed. “I love it when Jacob eats me out.”

“Jacob is referring to eating fast food or at a fancy restaurant,” Sia explained. “I’m sure he’s more than willing to continue doing the action you’re thinking of.”

“Oh, thank goodness,” Liby said with relief. “I guess I still have a lot of Earth Realm slang to learn, don’t I?”

“It’s okay,” I promised as I unwrapped my burrito. “I don’t even know all of it, and it seems to change every few months or so.”

As I peeled the foil back from the burrito, my nostrils were filled with a mixture of flour, cheese, and grease. I tried to keep the drool from falling out of my mouth, but I needed a bite of this thing, like, yesterday.

I raised to the burrito to my lips and bit down into the soft shell. There was an explosion of flavor that lit up my taste buds, and I tried to make sense of everything that was going on in my mouth. Long, gooey strings of cheddar cheese stretched from where I had bit into the burrito and fell down onto my chin.

“What-- What on Earth did you put in here, Gula?” I asked in awe. “This is incredible. Are those chives I’m tasting?”

“That’s right,” Gula stated proudly. “It’s a loaded potato breakfast burrito. I got the recipe idea from some food show we were watching while you guys were, uh, making the connection.”

“You got Todd to change it away from the Paranormal Channel?” I asked as I took another bite of the delicious burrito.

This time, I distinctly tasted the creaminess of the sour cream, mixed with a bit of crunchy fried potato and bacon. Together with the freshly shredded cheddar cheese and the scrumptious golden eggs, it made a combination of flavors the likes of which I’d never experienced before.

“Todd’s been in the dining room with Raphael for the last two hours,” Gula explained with a wink. “He didn’t really get a say.”

I finished off the deliciously swaddled burrito and then tossed the foil into the trash can. “Good lord, Gula,” I whistled. “You should have your own cooking show. That was the best damn breakfast burrito I think I’ve ever eaten!”

Gula was now grinning ear from ear. “Really?” she exclaimed. “I was worried I put too much bacon and cheese, and that would block out all the rest of the flavors.”

I put my hand on the redhead’s shoulder comfortingly. “Gula,” I explained, “there is no such thing as ‘too much bacon and cheese.’ I can promise you that right now.”

There was a loud thump from the other room, and Gula and I nearly jumped out of our skin. We ran into the dining room to find the source of the crash, and I nearly fell over laughing at what I saw.

The Archangel Raphael was standing there with both of his hands rubbing against his temples in frustration. On the other side of the table stood Todd, decked out with a WWII-style helmet and an oversized cigar in his mouth. Between my two friends was a large cardboard map of what looked like the entire world, complete with plastic markers that represented different military forces.

“Now listen here, Raph,” the imp commanded in a gruff voice. “The only way we’re going to beat this great evil is by flanking ‘em on both sides and then sending a large group of cavalry right up the middle.”

“For the last time, Todd,” Raph sighed, “that might work on the Daeva army themselves, but it’s not going to do us any good against an Archangel and a demon that can fly.”

“Nonsense!” the imp bemoaned. “We just have to hit ‘em hard and not let up. It’s the American way.”

“Hey, guys,” I greeted my friends as I walked into the dining room. “What, uh-- What’s going on here?”

“We’re trying to figure out a plan to defeat Uriel,” the Archangel explained. “Todd thinks we need to divide and conquer, but I think it would be much more beneficial to do the siege method.”

“Siege method?” Todd’s fake gruff voice scoffed. “Sounds like commie talk to me!”

“I don’t even know where he got the cigar.” Raphael sighed. “He just pulled it out of his pockets and started chomping on it.”

“If we’re gonna strategize,” the imp interrupted, “you gotta go full Patton. I’m just throwing out my two cents, bro. The general would never let his troops stand around and be all defensive and shit, he’d want them to charge straight in there and kick some ass.”

“That’s the thing, Todd.” Raph rubbed his drooping eyes as he spoke. “I’ve gone toe-to-toe with Uriel, and attacking him and his army head-on is foolish. If we can surround them and take them out layer by layer--”

“We’ll be sittin’ ducks!” Todd resumed his gruff general’s voice. “We have a small army of cultists, but it’s not like they’re special ops or anything like that. If we don’t charge in there and take out the Daeva in one fell swoop, we may as well shoot ourselves in the foot.”

“Exactly!” Raphael groaned. “You said it yourself, they’re not special ops. Having them attack an Archangel head-on is suicide.”

“What about using something a little more… medieval?” Gula suggested and stepped toward the table.

The redheaded succubus bent down and rearranged the tiny soldier markers on the map so that the forces representing our people were now in small clusters. Then, she put the markers representing the Daeva into a large, square-like formation.

“Maybe you’ll remember this from History class,” the Sister of Gluttony explained. “Of course, my sisters and I were actually there, so we got to see it first-hand.”

“Ah yes,” Cupi said as she entered the room. “This was always one of my favorites. I like to call it the ‘yo-yo.’”

“Yo-yo?” Todd’s gruff voice asked. “I like the sound of that. Go on…”

“Sister Cupiditas calls it the ‘yo-yo’ because that’s how the attacking and defending works,” Gula continued. “The infantry would surround the knights and create a sort of human shield to defend them. Then, when the enemy looked like they were wearing down, the ranks would open up, and the knights would charge, attack, and then fall back into the ranks to recharge.”

“So we would be the knights in this situation?” I asked.

“Exactly,” Gula said with a nod. “We can have the cultists surround us, and then we can chip away at their ranks little by little as we charge, retreat, and then regain our strength. Eventually, we’ll break a hole in their line and then we can get straight to Uriel.”

“I only see one issue with this tactic,” Raphael argued. “What happens if Uriel orders his Daeva to take an offensive position? Doesn’t that throw a massive wrench in the entire strategy?”

“Not if we do it right,” Cupi snarked at the Archangel.

“It won’t matter as long as we can divide our forces up equally,” Gula said as she pushed around a few more pieces on the board.

Now there were ten cannon markers on the board, each an equal distance apart and surrounded by dozens of individual soldier markers.

“Watch,” Gula said as she moved the pieces representing the Daeva. “If they take on a defensive position, let’s just say a ‘Testudo’ formation, around their leader, then we divide our forces around them and attack until we find a weak point in their setup. If they take on an offensive position, then we can cluster into one large circle and fight them off until they finally wear down.”

“Let ourselves get surrounded intentionally?” Todd scoffed and puffed on his cigar. “That sounds kinda sketchy if you ask me.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” I chuckled, “but I’m with Todd on this one. Getting ourselves surrounded by the Army of the Dejected doesn’t sound like a good idea, especially if Uriel and Beelzebub are there. Couldn’t they just fly over and spirit-bomb us from above?”

“In theory, yes,” Gula admitted, “but they won’t.”

“What makes you so sure about that?” I questioned. “Not that I don’t trust you, but I really don’t want to put all of my friends’ lives at risk just based on a hunch.”

“It’s not a hunch,” the redhead said with annoyance in her voice, “it’s a fact. Look, we’re going to have an army full of spellcasters. We can designate a handful of people to cast a shield of purple Hellfire over our position. That way, any fliers who might be present can’t hit us from above.”

“Okay,” I continued. “That’s a good plan, but it’s going to be a bunch of mortal magic users’ spell versus an Archangel. There’s no way that’ll hold up.”

Gula shrugged. “Maybe,” she admitted. “But maybe not. I believe in the abilities of your followers.”

“As do I,” Cupi added. “Because they worship you as their master, anyone who is part of the Cult of Ralston grows stronger as you do. And trust me, Jacob, you are much stronger than you think you are.”

“Remember Earl?” Libidine’s voice chimed in from just outside the door. “It took us days’ worth of training to prepare for him, and even then, it took all four of us to bring him down. Now? You literally went toe-to-toe with an Archangel and lived to tell the tale. You are strong, Jacob, and your followers will be just as strong.”

“You just have to trust your followers and your friends, Jacob,” Raphael explained. “I’ve been in many battles throughout the millennia, and the second you start doubting your fellow soldiers is the moment where the fight is lost.”

“Okay,” I said in acceptance. “I like this plan, but I do have one more question… Why are there ten ‘knights’ on the board? There’s only nine of us here right now.”

“Because we need all troops on deck, Jakey,” Todd said as he extended his finger into the air. “Oliver and Jane together are strong enough to equal one of the girls or you or me. They’re our number ten.”

“Actually…” Raph interjected awkwardly. “I was thinking you would be partnered with Jacob, and then Aruna would be our number ten.”

Todd’s brow furrowed at the Archangel’s words, and he slowly turned his head to look at the man. His mouth fell agape, and the cigar slipped out of his lips and hit the table which tossed black ash everywhere.

“You-- You don’t think I’m knight material?” The hurt in Todd’s voice was very apparent.

“It’s not that, Todd,” Raph stumbled as he tried to think of an explanation. “It’s just that, uh--”

“We make a way better team than when we work alone,” I jumped in to save the conversation. “I’m the Hutch to your Starsky, remember? The Luigi to your Mario? Sure, we’re both awesome on our own, but when we’re together, we’re unstoppable.”

“Nobody ever wants to play as Luigi, bro,” Todd reminded me, “but I like the cut of your jib. Those little black and red chicken fuckers will have no idea what hit ‘em when Todd and Jakey come to town!”

“That’s the spirit.” I laughed and rolled my eyes at the imp’s over-enthusiasm.

“Now we just need to figure out a place to lure the Army of the Dejected,” Cupi explained. “We know that Uriel and his forces have to be somewhere around the Phoenix area, probably plotting an assault on our mansion.”

“Oh, we’re not going to let that happen,” Liby hissed. “I’ve already had to redecorate this place three times. Interior design might be one of my hobbies, but I’m starting to run out of ideas for this particular space.”

“Yeah,” I laughed, “that’s totally the biggest reason we don’t want them coming here.”

“What if we went all pro wrestling on his ass?” Todd suggested. “Grab a mic, set up some cameras, and then call him a pansy-ass jabroni on live TV? That’d get him to come out for sure.”

“That’s actually-- That’s actually not a bad idea,” I admitted. “Go out somewhere in the middle of the desert, cast some sort of crazy Demonic or Divine spell, and then draw him and his army toward us on our terms.”

“Fuck yeah!” Todd fist pumped in the air, and his helmet went crooked on his head. “I just hope we have more cultists than we do on this map, bro.”

“Speaking of which,” I mused as I looked down at the rectangular cardboard map on the table, “is this a Risk board?”

“It was all that we had in the house, bro,” Todd explained. “Don’t blame an imp for improvising.”

A gleeful, robotic chirping noise rang out from somewhere in the dining room, and Raphael quickly began to pat the pockets of his SWAT uniform. “Darn it,” he growled. “I know I keep it in one of these pouches…”

The Archangel searched for his phone for nearly a minute, and then he finally pulled the small silver device out of the pocket on the left of his hip. He flipped the ancient clamshell phone open, clicked a button, and then held it up to his ear.

“This is Raphael, Grand Archangel of Heaven,” he spoke into the device. “May I ask who I have the pleasure of speaking with?”

Raph listened to the voice on the other line for a second, and then his eyes got wide. “Uh, please hold,” he stuttered and then held the phone away from his mouth, making sure to cover the microphone with his hand as he did so. “It’s Uriel.”

“Holy fuck,” I gasped. “Put it on speaker.”

“Speaker?” he questioned. “The speakers are turned up as loud as they can go.”

“No, no,” Todd hissed. “He means click the button so that we can all listen. It should be a little handlebar symbol with wifi coming out of it.”

The Archangel looked over at the imp, still confused.

“It’s the phone symbol,” I corrected in a whisper. “It should be on the side of the device.”

Raph looked over at the right side of his cell phone, let out a silent “aha,” and then pushed the button. “Alright, Uriel,” he continued. “Say your piece, but make it quick. I can barely stand to hear the sound of your traitorous voice.”

“No need to be judgmental, Raphael,” Uriel’s voice crackled through the shitty speaker of the phone. “You of all people should know what it’s like to be judged without having a chance to explain yourself.”

“You explained yourself plenty when you tried to kill me,” the dark-haired Archangel snarked.

“Kill you?” Uriel sounded hurt. “If I recall correctly, you were the one who stood between Ralston and me. I gave you the chance to walk away, and you refused to take it.”

“That’s right,” Raph retorted. “Jacob and his friends have been good to me. Sure, Todd likes to pull pranks, and Cupi and I don’t always see eye-to-eye, but they’re my allies. I’m not a backstabber like you.”

“Careful, Raphael,” Uriel’s voice warned. “I’m calling to make you an offer, but I’m already starting to regret it.”

“What could you possibly offer that I would want?” the dark-haired man scoffed.

“I want you to join me, Raphael,” the angel on the other side of the line offered. “You are a noble warrior and a good friend, and you would make a valuable ally in this fight to shake up the status quo. If the three of us joined forces, we would be unstoppable.”

“That’s what you’re calling for?” Raphael sneered. “I’ll never join you. My place is with the Divine, and my alliances lie with Jacob and his friends.”

“Your choice, Raphael,” Uriel sighed, “but... I’ll tell you what… I’m going to let you know my location, just in case you decide to change your mind.”

“You’re-- You’re going to tell me where you are?” Raph tried to play it coy, but his mouth spread into a wide grin.

“Of course I am,” the other Archangel scoffed. “What are you going to do? try to kill me? I’ll be surrounded by my entire army of Daeva. So, basically, you can come and join me, or you can come out and die. The choice is yours, but I figured I’d give you one last chance to join the winning side.”

“I’ll think about it,” Raph lied. “Where are you, Uriel?”

The Archangel on the other line spoke his coordinates, and I quickly scribbled them down on a nearby notepad.

“Please make the right choice, Raphael.” Uriel sighed. “I’d hate to have to kill one of my oldest and dearest friends. Oh, and one more thing…” The Archangel’s voice oozed vitriol, and my hairs stood up on end as he spoke. “... hello, Jacob. I do hope you decide to join the party. Your mansion is beautiful, and I’d hate to see it ripped apart by my army. It’d be much, much easier if you just decided to die out here in the desert, where the buzzards and scorpions could clean up the mess your corpse will leave.”

There was suddenly a beep and then a dial tone as the other line went dead. The nine of us stood there, dumbfounded and in silence, for a solid five seconds. Finally, I let out a deep sigh and pulled out my own cell phone.

“I’m going to call Oliver and tell him to pull together every follower I have in the greater Phoenix area,” I explained. “According to what Uriel told us, he’s about an hour away. I’m gonna have him, Jane, and my followers meet us there. In the meantime, does anyone want to call Aruna?”

“I’ll have Sia do it,” Cupi said with a nod. “That way we have our best negotiator on the line when the Rakshasi tries to haggle over compensation.”

I nodded and then dialed Oliver’s number into my phone. Once he picked up, I explained our situation to the white-haired cultist and asked if he and Jane could round up everybody they could find. He agreed to meet us at the coordinates with his small army as soon as he possibly could. I hung up the phone, walked into the living room, and caught the tail end of Sia’s conversation with Aruna.

“Thank you so much for your time, Aruna,” Sia said happily. “I’m glad we could come to a mutual agreement. Jacob will be sure to pay you the second the battle is through.” The redhead hung up the phone, and I walked over and sat down next to her on the couch.

“Dare I ask what she asked for?” I joked.

“Well, she asked for a million dollars,” Sia explained, “but I was able to work her down to three hundred thousand.”

I nearly swallowed my tongue when I heard the figure. “Three hundred thousand?” I whistled. “That’s-- That’s a lot of money.”

“It will be well worth it to have a Rakshasi on our side,” Sia assured me. “I’ve never actually seen this woman in combat, but from what my girls have told me, she’s the best of the best. You can’t put a numeric value on that.”

“I guess not,” I agreed. “Is she coming here, or is she going to try to meet us there?”

“She said that she’d be at the coordinates long before any of us could make it.” The petite redhead chuckled. “I don’t doubt it, either.”

“Then I guess there’s nothing left but to get out there,” I said as I stood up from the couch. “Let’s lock and load, guys. We’ve got an Archangel to kill.”

Chapter 16

“This is insane,” I muttered out loud as we drove through the Arizona night. “We’re headed straight for an Archangel and his army of deadly demons to fight them head-on? Even for us, this is crazy.”

“We don’t really have any other choice, bro,” Todd reminded me from the passenger seat of our Jeep. “It’s either this, or he was gonna bring his army to us. And I totally don’t need my bedroom getting fucked up again. I’ve got a good Feng Shui going on in there right now. I come home from a long day of demon hunting and podcasting, light a few candles, sit back in my reclining chair, flip on my HD monitor, grab the Jergen’s out of the drawer--”

“We get it, Todd,” I cut him off before he could finish his thought.

“I don’t,” Liby admitted from the backseat. “It sounds like a relaxing way to unwind, with some scented candles and a good movie and a comfy chair. You’ll have to elaborate on who this ‘Jergen’ is, though. Is he some sort of movie star you like?”

“Lib,” Todd snickered. “Me and Jergen’s go waaaaay back. You could even say he’s gotten me through some of the hardest times of my life.”

“Stoppppp,” I said as I stifled a gag.

“What’s the matter, Jakey?” the mischievous imp continued. “Don’t tell me you haven’t spent a lot of time with Jergen. We went to college together, remember? You can’t hide the past from me.”

“Wow,” Cupi spoke up from behind. “It sounds like you guys and Jergen are close. Why haven’t we gotten to meet him yet?”

“I dunno.” The imp giggled. “He likes to keep to himself. It’s like he’s always bottling himself up.”

“We’re doing Dad jokes now?” I asked the imp with a raised eyebrow.

A sharp grin spread across Todd’s face. “What?” he said with a shrug of his shoulders. “I’m just trying to lighten the mood a little bit and keep myself occupied until I can test out that sweet minigun. You have no idea how hard that’s been, bro.”

Before we had set out on our journey, Raphael made sure that we didn’t forget the minigun Todd had been so over the moon about earlier. The Archangel was able to mount the deadly weapon on top of Shadow, and it was currently locked, loaded, and ready to shred through Daeva like they were made of paper. The most genius part of the whole setup was how it was concealed. I was a tad concerned that driving around with a minigun mounted to the roof of our Jeep would turn some heads and draw unwanted attention to our group after all. So, the Archangel installed what looked like a plastic cargo carrier box over the deadly machine gun. Now, it just looked like we were a little old Southwestern family headed off on a road trip, and not a band of deadly demon hunters.

“The worst part is I don’t even know if you will get a chance to use it,” I admitted. “If we’re really going through with the whole ‘yo-yo’ tactic, we don’t really have room for a giant-ass Jeep in our ranks.”

“Bro,” Todd clicked his tongue, “there’s always room for a giant-ass Jeep with a minigun attached. I will personally find a way to make it happen even if it’s just celebrating by firing it up into the air on the way back.”

“That sounds like a very unwise idea,” Sia chimed in. “It’d be a waste of bullets, and it could be potentially dangerous…”

Todd flipped around in his seat and gave the redhead a funny look. “Listen, Strawberry Shortcake,” he explained. “If we really pull this shit off, we deserve to celebrate in any way possible. And if that means the Toddster has to go all Rambo on the night sky, so be it.”

“Speaking of which,” Liby chuckled, “where is your bandana? I thought you told me you needed it to feel like a badass?”

Todd felt at his forehead, and then his face went slack in horror. “Well shit,” he gasped and turned to me. “Jakey, we have to go back. I can’t become Toddbo without my headband.”

“We’re almost here, Todd,” I said as I shot down the imp. “We can’t turn back now. Besides, that would confuse the fuck out of the rest of the crew.”

I glanced up in the rearview mirror to make sure we were still being followed. Two bright yellow headlights reflected back at me, and I had to avert my eyes so that I wouldn’t be blinded. That would be the rest of our band of merry demon slayers.

Shadow only had room for five people or six if Todd was willing to sit on somebody’s lap. With nine people in the party, this was obviously an issue. Thankfully, that’s where Stella came in. Raph, Ira, Gula, and Tris had all decided that they wanted to take the bright red Maserati GT for a joyride, so they followed close behind us as we drove.

“Okay, fine,” Todd conceded. “I’ll do without the headband, but I’m definitely using that minigun before the night is over.”

“Fair enough, bro,” I said with a smile.

“Do you think the rest of the group will be there on time?” Sia asked with a twinge of worry in her voice. “I fear we might have another Battle of Hell’s Gate situation on our hands if they are not.”

“Oliver promised that the cultists would be there when we got there,” I reassured the succubus. “He might be a little scatter-brained sometimes, but there’s a reason he’s the leader of my followers. Oliver hasn’t let me down yet.”

“What about the Rakshasi?” the redhead continued. “Do you think we can count on her to--”

“Relax, Superbia,” Cupi said soothingly. “If Aruna is really getting paid, she’ll be there. There’s no need to worry.”

“Honestly, I think the tiger-woman would be there even if she weren’t getting thousands of dollars of our hard-earned money,” Todd added. “She’s got the hots for Jakey. Just another demon woman swayed over by the power of his penis.”

“Wait,” Cupi said as if she had an epiphany. “Say that again.”

“What?” Todd looked beyond confused. “The power of Jakey’s penis? That’s really not something I want to--”

“No, no,” the blonde succubus mused. “The first part.”

“Where I called Aruna a tiger-woman?” the imp asked.

“Yes!” Cupi exclaimed as she clapped her hands together. “Why didn’t we think of that before? Aruna is a shapeshifter. She could be the key to ending this battle before it even begins!”

“What do you mean?” I asked curiously.

“Call Gula and ask her if she thinks we can hold the line with just nine groups,” the fit succubus demanded.

I fumbled in my pocket, pulled out my phone, and dialed Raphael’s number. The line rang for a moment, and then there was the sound of the phone being clicked open.

“Hello?” Raph answered. “Jacob? Is everything alright?”

“Hey, Raph,” I greeted the Archangel. “You’re on speaker. Cupi has a question for Gula.”

“Yes?” I heard the Sister of Gluttony’s timid voice ask in the distance. “I’m all ears, Sister.”

Cupi’s blonde locks whipped over the middle of the console as she leaned in to speak. “Okay, master strategist,” the succubus spoke grimly, “how much does our battle plan change if we only have nine groups and not ten?”

There was a short silence on the other side as if Gula couldn’t comprehend what was being said. “Honestly, nothing,” the succubus answered. “It just means we probably have to clump closer together, but that’s it. Why?”

“Because,” Cupi grinned, even though her sister couldn’t see it, “I have an idea on how to use our Rakshasi.”

We continued down the road for another twenty minutes, and then the GPS informed us that we had finally arrived at our destination. Of course, our “destination” was still far out in the middle of the desert, but this was just the spot on the highway that was parallel.

As I rolled Shadow to a stop on the side of the road, I saw that there was a massive line of vehicles that were already waiting for us. Hundreds of people in dark navy robes stood around in the sand as they chatted, smoked, and sparred, and I felt a swelling of pride.

Oliver and Jane had done it. It might have been a small force, but we now had a legitimate army.

The second I stepped out of the vehicle, Oliver and Jane were on me.

“What do you think, Jacob?” the white-haired man asked proudly as he motioned to the crowd of cultists. “Do you think this will be enough soldiers?”

I reached out and shook Oliver’s hand enthusiastically. “Oliver,” I said as I grinned like an idiot, “you’ve really outdone yourself this time. Good job.”

The eyes of the white-haired man went wide, and he looked like he was off in a trance. A huge smile spread across his face, and then he turned to Jane.

“Did you hear that?” he asked. “Our master said I did well!”

Jane crossed her arms over her massive chest and shot me a dirty look. “And what about me?” she joked. “I was the one who brought together the entire southeast sector.”

I patted the brunette cultist on the shoulder tenderly. “I’d say you outdid yourself too, Jane,” I flirted, “but I already expect the world from you. You go above and beyond every single day.”

Jane gave me a playful swat on the arm and laughed. “Good save, Jacob,” she chuckled, “good save.”

“Holy shit, Ollie.” Todd whistled when he saw all the cultists. “Are these people all from the group orgy chat?”

“No, no,” Oliver corrected. “We like to keep that more intimate. There’s only thirty people or so in that group.”

“That still sounds like it’d be really confusing,” Todd admitted. “How do you know whose nudes are whose?”

“That’s the beauty of it!” The white-haired man grinned. “You don’t know!”

“Huh,” Todd mused, looked down at the cultist’s feet, and then started to laugh hysterically. “Hold up, you wore your socks and crocs to a battle?”

Oliver’s eyebrow raised as he watched the imp fall over onto the ground and roll around cackling. “Why wouldn’t I?” he asked without shame. “If I’m going to die, I want to die comfortably.”

“What’s-- What’s next?” Todd got off between snorts. “Are you gonna tell me you’ve got elastic-band sweatpants under your robe?”

“Of course not,” the white-haired man protested. “I’d never make such a fashion faux pas.”

“Is that so?” Jane snickered knowingly. “Why don’t you tell him what you’ve really got going on under there?”

Todd rolled over onto his belly and bent his legs up behind him like a preteen girl gossiping on the phone. “Ohhh,” he begged, “do tell.”

“If you must know…” Oliver sighed and undid the belt on his robe.

The old man opened up his cloak like some sort of creepy flasher, and when I saw what was underneath, I almost wished he had been.

“Are those…” Todd started. “Are those cargo shorts?”

Todd’s face looked completely devoid of emotion as if his brain was trying to process what he was seeing. Then, his eyes lit up with realization, and his body began to tremble with laughter.

“They’re-- they’re camouflage and everything,” Todd said in disbelief. “I think I can die now, Jakey, because I don’t see life getting any more hilarious than this.”

“What’s wrong with wearing cargo shorts?” Oliver scoffed as he closed his robe back over his body. “I’m a busy man with a lot of stuff to carry around. They’re comfy, and they fit my needs perfectly. Do you have any idea how hot it gets in these robes?”

Todd motioned to his naked body and snickered. “Can’t say I do, bro. Can’t say I do.”

“Are you guys seriously talking about fashion choices right now?” a familiar voice asked in annoyance. “Don’t we have a battle to win?”

I looked over and saw Aruna approaching, and the beauty of the woman nearly knocked me over on my ass. The Rakshasi had her sleek black locks tied back in a ponytail, but she still allowed the sides to cascade down and frame her slender face. On her torso, she wore a brilliant silver breastplate that was form-fitted to her chest and had a design as if it were made up of dragon scales. Underneath the armor, the Rakshasi had on a garment of vibrant red fabric that draped down to her knees like a waterfall of color. On each arm, she wore a silver gauntlet similar to her chestplate, and her entire uniform was completed by a leather belt that held her chakram and bhuj dagger.

“You like?” Aruna purred when she saw me gawking. “It’s the traditional battle armor of the Rakshasi. I only bust it out when I’m on a mission that could get ugly.”

“Wait,” Cupi observed from behind me, “you weren’t wearing that when you were hunting down Tris and Gula.”

The Rakshasi shot Cupi a wink. “No, I wasn’t,” she said coyly.

“Ouch, lady,” Tris mocked as her, and the rest of the gang approached. “I know we were the Sisters of Sloth and Gluttony, but sheesh, show some respect.”

“It had nothing to do with respect,” Aruna admitted. “I just figured you two wouldn’t be that much of a problem. Of course, then I met Jacob, and that all changed.”

“The power of your penis, bro,” Todd whispered with a giggle.

“I’m glad you’re here, Aruna,” Raphael said as he approached with an outstretched hand. “You’re just the Rakshasi we wanted to talk to.”

“Really?” Aruna feigned surprise. “It’s always good to be wanted.”

“We want you to use your powers to kill Uriel,” I cut in. “If you can take on the form of a Daeva and sneak up on him through the ranks of his own army, we can end this whole battle before it even starts.”

“That’s quite clever,” the Rakshasi mused. “Did you come up with that yourself?”

“Actually, it was Cupi,” I admitted. “She’s the combat expert around here. Anyway, do you think you can do it?”

“Please,” Aruna scoffed. “It’ll be like child’s play.”

“What if we just tried to subdue him?” Raph suggested, much to the dismay of everyone else in the group. “He may be a fallen angel, but he’s still my responsibility.”

“Aha!” Cupi declared in victory. “So he is a fallen angel now!”

“I can make no promises,” Aruna shrugged. “Obviously, subduing an Archangel is going to be hard to do. Which means--”

“More money,” I finished her sentence with a sigh. “Of course we’ll compensate you fairly, no matter which method you employ.”

“That’s what I like to hear!” Aruna grinned. “Now, when do we get started?”

“Right now.” I nodded as I looked out over my cultists.

I walked over to an empty clearing, created a few platforms of violet Hellfire, and then walked up them like stairs. Soon, I was nearly ten feet above everybody on the ground, and I could see far beyond the large group of cultists. Off on the horizon, there was a soft glow of what appeared to be fire.

Surely that was Uriel and his troops. I took a deep breath, turned around to face my followers, and tried to calm my nerves.

“Excuse me, everyone!” I called out into the chattering crowd.

They all instantly went silent and turned their eyes to me. I felt a small twinge of nervousness shoot down my spine, but I quickly pushed it down and out of my mind.

“Look,” I admitted to the crowd, “I’m no good at speeches, so I’ll just make this quick. Words can’t describe how thankful I am that you all came out here today to support our cause. The uneasy alliance between Uriel and Beelzebub is more than just a threat to me and all my followers, but to everyone who lives on Earth Realm. As much as I’d love to tell you that this will be easy, it won’t be. In fact, it’s going to hard as fuck. But if we play our cards right, we can win. We have to win.”

I took another deep breath and then continued. “You mortal cultists are going to act as infantry. The succubi, Archangel, your leaders, and Todd and I will act as ‘knights’ in this situation. Your goal is to form a barrier around us and keep the Daeva at bay until we’re strong enough to attack on our own. They’re going to be coming at us from all angles, so it’s up to you to keep them off us. Once we’re ready, we’ll charge out, take out as many as we can, and then come back before things get too hairy. Wash, rinse, repeat until the Army of the Dejected is decimated. Sound good?”

The cultists and the succubi tossed their hands up into the air and let out a triumphant “yah!” in unison.

“Alright, so we’re dividing up into three units, each composed of three ‘knights,’” I announced. “Todd, Raph, Liby, and I will take the center unit. Gula, Cupi, and Sia will take the right. That just leaves Ira, Oliver, Jane, and Tris for the last one.”

The crowd listened to my battle plan with bated breath, and then they erupted in cheers when they realized I was finished. I hopped down off the glowing platforms and walked over to my friends.

“That was beautiful, bro,” Todd said through a sniffle and wiped away a tear. “That was totally some Braveheart shit.”

“I’d totally follow you after that speech,” Cupi joked.

“Ha ha.” I shot back sarcastically and then turned to the rest of the group. “Alright, guys, let’s get into position.”

We split up and formed our three units, and then we came to create a single-file line. Oliver raised his hand into the air and let out a whistle.

“Cult of Ralston, forward!” he exclaimed in an over-the-top fashion, and then the entire small army started to march.

The coordinates Uriel had given us were a little under a mile away from where we had parked, and it took us a good twenty minutes before we finally reached our destination. As we came over a small hill of sand and dirt, we saw what we were up against.

In front of us sprawled a large plain filled only with desert plants and the occasional cactus. About five hundred feet away stood hundreds of Daeva, their tiny black-and-red bodies illuminated by the light of the torches they carried. Above them hovered Uriel on his massive feathered wings.

The fallen Archangel was decked out in full battle attire, with white combat pants on his legs and a white suit of body armor on his torso. His signature red shawl was fastened across his chest by a golden clasp, and the crimson fabric fluttered in the wind behind him.

“So glad you could join us, Jacob,” Uriel’s voice boomed. “Although I must admit I’m disappointed that you brought so many of your friends along. No matter. Once your followers witness my strength firsthand, they’ll turn on you just like they did to Azazel.”

“Not likely,” Raphael spat up at his former brother. “Jacob has treated his followers better than any demon or fallen angel ever could.”

Uriel scowled, looked down at the dark-haired man, then sighed. “So I take it you’ve chosen death, Raphael?”

“I’ve chosen to take the side of righteousness,” the Archangel shot back. “You’ll pay for your betrayal, my old friend.”

“So death it is!” the floating blond angel hissed.

I noticed that Aruna had completely disappeared, and I assumed she was probably making her way toward Uriel as we spoke. We just had to keep him talking for a little while longer.

“The only one who’s dying here today is you, bro,” Todd sneered. “We’re gonna make you wish that bell had never rung and given you your wings!”

“That’s not how it works.” Uriel chuckled condescendingly. “Good lord, you really are an idiot, Todd.”

“Better an idiot than a traitor.” The imp shrugged.

Uriel rolled his eyes. “Says the man who willingly allowed himself to be transformed into a Demonic creature?” he scoffed. “The only traitor to his lineage I see here is you.”

“That’s quite enough, Uriel,” Raphael growled. “You dare not speak of betraying your lineage when you have broken bread with a Demon.”

“How dare you?” the blond angel demanded and swooped down closer to our position. “You stand there next to cultists and succubi who used to serve Azazel, the Father of Warfare, and you accuse me of unspeakable actions?”

Before he could utter another sentence, Aruna’s chakram zipped past and sliced Uriel’s left wing clear off. The Daeva below hissed as their leader spiraled down onto the ground and bluish-red blood spurted from the stump on his back.

Then, I saw one of the Daeva charging toward the Archangel. As it ran, it glowed with black ectoplasmic substance and transformed back into Aruna. The Rakshasi leapt up into the air and readied her bhuj for the final strike.

There was a primal scream of rage, and then a beam of blinding white light struck Aruna square in the chest. The assassin’s body flipped backward through the night sky, lifeless, and I quickly tossed down a portal of green Hellfire underneath her before she could slam into the ground.

Instead of smacking into the rocky sand, Aruna’s body plopped down into my arms. She was breathing shallowly, and her chestplate had been caved in at the site where the attack had hit her. Thank God she’d been armored, or Uriel’s attack would have torn right through her body.

“Medic!” I called out, and then I saw Sia’s petite frame dash over.

The succubus madame lit up her hands with a glowing golden flame and then placed them against Aruna’s chest. Instantly, the enchanted fire spread across the Rakshasi’s body and repaired her bruises and scrapes. It even reformed the dent in her chest plate. The assassin’s eyes shot open, and she let out a gasp of shock.

“You good?” I asked the injured beauty in my arms.

She looked up at me with her brown eyes and grinned. “I am now,” she flirted.

“Ralsttooonnnn!” Uriel’s scream quickly brought me back to reality, and I set the assassin down so I could face him.

The Archangel was standing in the center of his army of Daeva, and he looked beyond pissed. His blood had stained the feathers on his remaining wing as well as his white pants, and there was a crazed look in his eye.

“You really are a fucking demon,” he growled. “Trying to take out an enemy while they’re distracted? Where is your honor?”

“I must have left it in my other duffel bag,” I snarked back.

“Enough of your games!” the blond man shouted and raised his hands above his head. “Army of the Dejected, make your masters proud!”

The landscape was filled with the sound of Daeva hisses and shrieks, and the demons charged forward in one massive wave.

Chapter 17

“I’m sorry, Jacob,” Aruna sighed as she leapt back to her feet. “I thought I had him dead to rights, but I guess I wasn’t used to throwing from the perspective of a four-foot tall demon.”

“Don’t be sorry,” I reassured the Rakshasi as she took her place at my side. “You just did us a huge favor. Now that asshole can’t fly up into the air and attack us from above. In fact, that might change the tide of the entire battle now that we can have all the cultists focused forward.”

“So I did good?” the assassin asked coyly.

“Better than good,” I promised.

“Uh, guys?” Todd interrupted. “Fight now, flirt later.”

I looked up and saw that the Army of the Dejected was almost on our position. As planned, the hundreds of cultists surrounded our heavy hitters in three massive units and had begun to toss spells of many colors at their foes. The night sky lit up with all the colors of the rainbow as Daeva bodies were tossed into the air like ragdolls.

“If they keep this up, we might not even be needed,” Raphael observed. “Your cultists are much stronger than I thought, Jacob.”

“I believe it,” I retorted, “but I’m afraid we aren’t going to be that lucky. The Daeva’s skin is too thick for a mortal’s spell to break through, no matter how strong they may be. Also, they’re attacking in a massive wave, so we’ll need our big guns to break their line and get to Uriel.”

“Speaking of big guns,” Todd spoke up and summoned Hellfire into his hands, “I’ve got an idea.” The imp motioned to Aruna, and the Rakshasi bent down to his level. Todd skittered over and whispered something into her ear, and then the assassin grinned ear to ear.

“I love it,” she said as she gave Todd a high five. “Let’s see how things play out here first, though.”

“Jacob!” I heard Oliver’s voice call out from somewhere in the crowd. “Are you ready for the first assault?”

“Let ‘er rip, Oliver!” I shouted back over the sound of explosions and hissing Hellfire.

“Part the sea, men!” the white-haired cult leader shouted, and the cultists in front of us began to create a path.

I looked over at Todd and shook my head with a sigh. “We really gotta work on phrasing with him.”

Then, I reached down into my belt, drew my goat-headed dagger, and ran a flaming hand across the blade to turn it into an enchanted sword. I readied my weapon and called forth green Hellfire into my hands.

It was time to kill some demons.

My heart was thumping in my chest so fast that I could practically feel it in my ears. Then, when the final cultist was out of the way, and there was nothing between the Daeva and us but barren land, we charged.

“For Rohaaaaan!” Todd exclaimed as he darted forward and hurled a few baseball-sized fireballs at the Daeva.

The imp’s attacks struck a few of the little demons and knocked them backward, but he wasn’t delivering a fatal blow. Thankfully, Libidine was there to turn the Daevas’ bodies into living pincushions with a swift cast of yellow. It was like watching somebody shooting clay pigeons, Todd would toss them into the air, and then Liby would finish them off with a blast of red or a handful of enchanted spears.

Meanwhile, Raph’s FAMAS was a death-dealing machine. As the Archangel charged, he let out a primal scream and pumped round after deadly round of enchanted bullets into the crowd. Several of the Daevas’ heads exploded, and limbs were sawn off their bodies from the sheer velocity of the projectiles.

Aruna ran toward the crowd, engulfed herself in black ectoplasm, and morphed into a hippo. As unorthodox as it may have seemed, that was actually a brilliant tactic. Those things were the deadliest animals on Earth not because of their blunt teeth, but because of the sheer power of their bite. Two of the Daeva soon found that out as Aruna picked them up in her jaws and crushed their skulls into a heap of bone and brain matter.

I knew that my sword wasn’t going to be enough to pierce the Daeva’s skin on its own, but I had come prepared. Once I was about twenty feet from the tiny demons, I reached into my belt, pulled out the Kevlar snare trap from Raph’s arsenal, and shot it at the Daeva. The cord made a high-pitched swishing noise as it traveled through the air and then wrapped around three of the black-and-red demons. I clicked the button on the mechanism, and my prey was pulled back toward me at breakneck speeds. The Daevas’ eyes widened as they approached, and then their bodies ran directly into my blade. Blackish-red blood sprayed out of their torsos as my enchanted weapon pierced their flesh, and then their eyes rolled back in their heads, and they went limp.

I tossed the bodies to the side and then immediately blasted a couple of incoming Daeva with a shot of red Hellfire. It hit the tiny fuckers at point-blank range, and they shrieked in agony as their skin was burnt off their bones.

A dagger zipped past my head, and I heard a wet crunch as another Daeva was impaled right before he took a bite out of my neck. Raphael, the origin of the blade, gave me a nod and then turned back to firing on the Army of the Dejected.

I was really fucking glad this guy had my back.

Another small group of Daeva leapt toward me, and I threw up a portal of emerald Hellfire in their trajectory. Their bodies disappeared through the portal and then reappeared about a mile above the ground. I didn’t have time to watch them fall as I had to toss up a shield of violet flames quickly to throw off one of the Daeva who had gotten within striking distance. His sharp claws bounced off my shield harmlessly, and then I lit him up with a blast of red flames.

“I’m out!” Raphael hissed as he used his FAMAS as a blunt force weapon.

“Fall back!” I commanded to my friends.

I threw up a large wall of purple between the five of us and the attacking Daeva, and then we all dashed back into the safety of the cultists.

“That was intense,” I panted once my followers had recreated their human shield.

“I’ll say,” Todd agreed. “Aruna was fucking crushing their heads like watermelons! I’ve never seen a rhino up close before, but they’re even more badass than I thought!”

The large water mammal was encased in ectoplasm, and then it slowly morphed back into Aruna. “Rhinos have horns, Todd,” she explained to the imp. “Though that was my second choice.”

“We make a good team,” Raphael mused as he reloaded his machine gun. “If we keep this up, we’ll have their forces thinned out in no time.”

“How are we doing over there, Oliver?” I asked through the crowd.

“Excellent!” the white-haired man’s voice called back. “Ira is quite the combatant, and Tris honestly scares me a bit with her love of firearms.”

“I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me!” Tris’ voice cackled over the sound of hissing spells.

“What about your group, Sia?” I asked the group on my left.

“All’s well over here,” the succubus madame called back. “These pesky demons may have thick skin, but their airways are just as susceptible to my fear magic as any other enemy! Gula and Cupi are working well together as they always have.”

“Good to hear,” I acknowledged and then turned back to my unit. “Alright, so now we know that we can kick their asses on our own. But if we work as a team, we can clear these bastards out even quicker.”

“I like the way you think,” Libidine agreed. “Five heads are better than one.”

“Unless we’re talking about penises,” Todd interjected. “In that case, having five heads would make you some sorta circus freak. Or the greatest lover in the universe. There is no in-between.”

“Okay…” Raphael chimed in, somewhat disturbed. “What do you have in mind, Jacob?”

“You have Divine light, correct?” I asked the Archangel, who nodded to confirm. “Well, why don’t we hotbox the fuckers?”

“Now you’re speaking my language, bro!” Todd perked up.

“I’m not familiar with this concept,” Raph admitted.

“Simple,” I explained. “I make a box, and then you guys make it hot with your spells. We’ll melt the Daeva’s flesh right off their bones!”

“Just follow my lead, bro,” the imp admitted. “I have a fuckton of experience hotboxing. I’ve been doing it since sixth grade, and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.”

The five of us readied our spells and waited for Oliver’s next command.

“Cult of Ralston, make way!” the old man’s voice rang out, and the soldiers followed his command. The mass of navy robes parted in front of us, and we charged at the Daeva once more. This time, none of us attacked until we were nearly upon the little demons.

“Now!” I ordered as I threw out two flaming purple hands.

A massive cube of violet fire encased the Daeva, and nearly fifty of the fuckers were trapped helplessly inside. A split-second later, Libidine tossed out a portal of green Hellfire in front of our position, and Todd launched a bunch of fireballs into the gateway. At the same time, Raphael shot a beam of blinding white light into the portal. My friends’ spells reappeared inside of the makeshift prison, and the interior of the cube lit up like a Fourth of July fireworks show.

The trapped Daeva screamed as they were burned to death inside of the glowing purple cube.

As I held the spell, I felt a throbbing sensation on my temples, and then a blue glow told me that I had sprouted my horns. Good. I was going to need all the power I could get if we wanted to keep this up.

When I finally released my spell, the charred bodies of the Daeva crumpled to the ground with a sickly plop. Exhausted, the five of us dashed back into the crowd to regroup.

“I’ll admit,” Raphael chuckled, “that was badass.”

“There’s still so fucking many of these guys,” I observed. “We’ve nearly killed a hundred of them, and they still keep coming.”

“Hey, Aruna?” Todd asked as he patted the Rakshasi’s leg. “I think it may be time to do that thing I told you about earlier.”

“Excellent idea,” the assassin nodded.

Black ectoplasm engulfed her body, and then her entire form shrunk. Her legs got shorter, her frame grew wider, and her skin began to darken. Before I knew it, there was the spitting image of a Daeva standing in front of me.

“How is that going to help?” Libidine asked curiously.

“It’s camo,” Aruna reassured the group, and then she turned away. “Come on, Todd, let’s go.”

The imp nodded, yanked the belt of impact grenades off his torso, and held them up to me. “Could you do me a favor and hold these, Jakey?” he asked. “Go ahead and use them if you need to. We’ll be right back.”

“Where are you…?” I started to ask, but the two tiny demons were already out of earshot. “I really hope they know what they’re doing.”

“When has Todd ever steered you wrong?” Liby asked coyly.

I refused to answer the question, though, to be fair, Liby didn’t know the Toddster in his college days. In fact, it made me smile despite the battle as I thought about how far my best friend had come from those days, just like I had.

Meanwhile, Raphael slung the FAMAS over his back, reached down to his belt, and pulled out a sawed-off shotgun. “This might have a lower rate of fire,” he observed, “but it packs a much more powerful punch. Also, it’s one-handed, which means I can use this beauty.”

The Archangel dug into the other side of his belt and pulled out a knife that was thick like a machete but curved like a boomerang.

“This is my pride and joy,” he mused and twirled the weapon in his hand. “She was forged in the fires of Hell itself, and she can cut through literally anything. Hopefully, that includes Daeva flesh.”

“I hope so,” I agreed as I slung Todd’s grenades over my shoulder. “You guys ready to go?”

Liby and Raph both nodded grimly, and then the three of us looked toward the sea of cultists.

“Separate!” Oliver called out, and the path was cleared for us once more.

This time, I sheathed my dagger. There were much more creative ways to kill a Daeva.

We ran forward and were met with a wave of about twenty or thirty demons. Blasts of yellow spears zipped past me as I ran, and I could hear the thundering boom of Raphael’s shotgun off to my left. Once I was thirty or so feet from the Daeva, I pulled one of Todd’s grenades off the belt on my shoulder and hurled it into the crowd.

There was a blinding light, and then a handful of the tiny demons were thrown back to the ground. The blast must have done some damage because there were a few limbs scattered across the landscape, and the Daeva that were still standing were covered with blood.

Without missing a beat, I threw my zipline around the closest demon’s neck, engulfed his body with emerald flames, and then tossed it to the side as I tensed up the cord. There was a sickly crack, and the Daeva’s body went limp.

“Liby!” I commanded. “Pincushion!”

A handful of yellow spears shot past my right side and struck the body of the dead demon. The enchanted projectiles jutted out of the Daeva like a porcupine, just like I had planned.

This would make for a perfect weapon.

I began to spin the dead demon above my head like a makeshift flail, and then I tossed it into the group of enemies that were charging toward us. The spiky corpse shot into the crowd, and there were a few grunts of pain. I yanked the flail back to me like a yo-yo, and sprays of crimson blood were shot up into the sky. One of my targets had actually been impaled by the weapon, and he flailed wildly as he was pulled toward me. The second he was within reach, I lit him up with a blast of red Hellfire.

I released the cord on the corpse, picked up the body with emerald flames, and then tossed it into the crowd. The Daeva screamed in pain when the spiny projectile struck them, but I didn’t have much time to savor their pain.

“Jacob!” Libidine called out behind me. “Shall we create a pit of death?”

“You read my mind!” I chuckled as I blasted another handful of the Daeva with my red Hellfire.

I dashed back to where Liby was standing, and the succubus threw down two large handfuls of yellow spears into the sand in front of us. I closed my eyes and began to concentrate on my feelings of disgust. I thought about how we’d been betrayed by the Archangel who was supposed to be our friend. How he wanted to kill me and everyone I cared about. How he partnered with one of the most evil Demon Kings in existence. I could feel my entire body glowing with the emerald flames, and my body became weightless.

I opened my eyes and saw that I was now floating a foot or two off the ground. More importantly, so were all the Daeva in front of us. I lifted my arms into the air, brought them in closer, and then slammed them down. As I did so, the enemies caught in my spell followed my motions, and their bodies were skewered by the spears on the ground.

“Great job, Jacob!” Raphael laughed from behind me.

There was another blast of his shotgun, and I saw a tiny black-and-red body get tossed across the landscape, but even more importantly, I saw Uriel. Raph, Liby, and I had cleared out enough of the Daeva that there was now a clear path through their forces.

“You guys see what I see?” I snarled.

“I do,” Raphael confirmed. “Let’s get that son of a bitch.”

“What about the rest of the Daeva?” Libidine asked with concern. “There are still so many of them attacking the other units.”

“You stay behind and help with crowd control,” I commanded. “Raph and I will--”

From over the horizon, I heard a faint sound that sounded like an electric guitar. Suddenly, Shadow came soaring over the small hill like a jet-black bullet. Her windows were down, and a Black Sabbath song was blaring at full blast through her speakers. Aruna was behind the wheel, and on top of the vehicle sat Todd cackling behind the trigger of the mounted minigun.

“That clever bastard,” I whispered to myself as I watched the Jeep approach.

Aruna turned the wheel, and Shadow began to move in a circle around the Army of the Dejected. As it circled, Todd unleashed Hell.

My cultists tossed up their shields to protect themselves, but the Daeva weren’t so lucky. Their bodies were torn to shreds as enchanted bullets blasted onto their position and they were reduced to a bloody pulp. As his army was torn to shreds, Uriel turned away and began to flee.

“Todd and Aruna look like they’ve got things handled.” I nodded to the Archangel. “Let’s finish this.”

Raph and I took off through the chaos, directly toward the fallen Archangel. Despite being hobbled by his injured wing, Uriel was still pretty damn fast on foot. As he ran, Raphael’s wings extended outward, and then he pushed himself off the ground and into the sky. He soared across the landscape like a bullet and then twisted his body and landed in front of the fleeing Uriel.

“You’re not going anywhere, old friend,” he growled. “Your army is defeated, and it’s time to pay for your crimes.”

“You really think that was our entire army?” Uriel scoffed. “There are plenty more Daeva where they came from.”

Before Raph could respond, Uriel whipped out a dagger and lunged at the Archangel. Raphael caught the blond man’s hand, spun him around, and then kicked into the back of his leg. Uriel was forced to his knee, but he was far from done.

Not one millisecond after his shin hit the ground Uriel tucked his body, he wrapped his legs around Raph’s arm and flung the Archangel across the dirt. The blond man leapt to his feet, and I greeted him with a blast of red Hellfire. He ducked out of the way of my attack and quickly responded with a beam of Divine light.

I threw up my purple Hellfire, but this time I did not waiver. The blast struck my barrier and bounced off into the dark desert sky, but I stood my ground. Uriel’s Divine light was now a sickly yellow as if it had been corrupted by his fall and was no longer “pure” like Raph’s and my own.

Uriel was forced to let up his assault when the dark-haired Archangel came at him with his Bowie knife. He dodged Raph’s attacks with pinpoint precision as he knocked away his attacker’s hand before the knife could reach his flesh.

While Uriel was distracted, I shot out the Kevlar snare in his direction. The trap wrapped around the fallen Archangel and immobilized his arms against the sides of his body. That set him up for Raph to plunge his knife down into Uriel’s right shoulder, and the blond man let out a roar of pain.

In a pained fury, Uriel jumped up into the air, pulled his legs up into a ball, and then drove them into Raphael’s face. The dark-haired man was knocked onto his ass, and then Uriel’s body began to glow with the sickly yellow light.

“What the fuck are you-- Shit!” I exclaimed when I saw that his light was melting my trap.

Without missing a beat, Uriel landed upright and unleashed a blast of Divine light in my direction. The attack struck me right in the chest, and I let out a grunt of pain as my entire body was tossed backward. I hit the ground hard and heard a wet pop somewhere in my side. Dirt and sand kicked up into my eyes and mouth as I rolled across the ground, and then I finally came to a stop when my back struck a jagged rock jutting out of the landscape.

I pulled myself to my hands and knees and spat out a mouthful of blood onto the dark sand. This was the first time I’d ever taken a blast of Divine energy, and my whole body felt like it was on fire. I looked down and saw that the entire front of my shirt had been burned off, and the skin on my chest was covered with burns, too. I stumbled back to my feet just in time to see Raph take a shot at Uriel with his sawed-off shotgun.

Raph aimed for Uriel’s right leg, but the fallen Archangel was much too fast. He kneed the barrel of the gun, and it bounced up over his shoulder as the muzzle flared and a thunderous boom filled the air. Uriel elbowed the gun out of Raph’s hand and then struck him in the face with his fist. Raph tried to counter, but Uriel grabbed his hand, kneed him in the stomach, and then flipped the Archangel over his shoulder.

As Raph struggled to get up, Uriel charged his Divine light.

“Fuck,” I growled as I summoned emerald flames into my hand.

The second Uriel unleashed his attack, I tossed up a green portal directly in his path. His attack passed through the portal, reappeared above him, and then blasted down onto his head. The blond man let out a grunt as his head was whipped forward into the ground.

“It’s over, Uriel,” I hissed. “Don’t give me a reason to kill you.”

“Over?” The fallen Archangel chuckled as he pulled himself back to his feet. “It’s not even close to being over.”

Uriel’s nose was bleeding profusely, and his normally pristine white clothes were covered with blood and dirt. His hair was now completely unkempt, and even the clasp of his cloak was threatening to snap like a twig as it clung onto the fabric for dear life.

Raph and I surrounded Uriel, and we all seemed to be waiting to see who made the next move.

“I don’t need my full powers to kill you two,” Uriel scoffed.

The blond Archangel’s body seemed to distort for a second like a bad video glitch, and then he suddenly split into three versions of himself. The one closest to Raphael lashed out at him with a roundhouse kick, and the remaining two clones came at me.

I threw up my hand to block a punch from the first one, and then I had to spin quickly out of the way of the second’s Divine light. As I dodged, I reached down and grabbed my goat-headed dagger. I came around and stabbed the blade into one of the clone’s sides, and he screamed in agony.

Before I could strike again, I felt Uriel’s boot come down on the back of my head. I blindly blasted a shot of red Hellfire at the fucker, but it didn’t seem to strike. The next thing I knew, I was being assaulted by two pairs of fists. I could taste the iron of the blood in my mouth, and I could feel the welts forming on my face from each of the Archangel’s blows. I threw up small shields of purple, but Uriel was striking too fast from too many angles for me to defend myself properly.

If I didn’t act fast, I was going to get beaten to a pulp. I summoned green Hellfire into my hands and tossed a portal down at my own feet. Instantly I felt myself fall through the jade circle, and then my body traveled through space and time. I reappeared about fifty feet from where I had been standing, and I quickly unleashed a massive fireball onto the clones’ position.

Uriel’s clones sprouted their wings and darted up out of the way of my attack… or so they thought. I was already tossing out another portal of emerald Hellfire directly in the path of the first clone, and his entire upper body passed through before he could stop himself.

Unfortunately for him, the portal led directly in front of the white-hot fireball.

The Archangel’s clone let out a blood-curdling scream, and the flesh on his face melted off his bones as if it were made of silly putty. The lower half of his body went limp, and then he fell back down through the portal and smashed into the ground, dead.

“You mother fucker!” Uriel growled from above.

The fallen Archangel unleashed a massive beam of Divine light down at me from the sky, and it was all I could do to throw up a purple shield before I was incinerated. The impact from the blast forced me to my knees and threatened to push my entire lower body into the sand, but I held my ground. This fucker wasn’t going to win. Not on my watch.

Images of all my friends flashed before my eyes. I thought about the beautiful Libidine, the sexy and fit Cupi, the bold and proper Superbia, and all the other succubi who had literally risked it all to come out here and fight for me. I thought about Todd and Raphael and Oliver, people who had no horse in this race, yet decided to get in my corner, anyway. As I thought about my friends, I could feel myself becoming connected to their very souls.

My horns began to throb more painfully than normal, and I felt a surge of power shoot through my body. I placed my feet into the ground, grunted against the force of Uriel’s attack, and forced myself up.

“I’m giving you everything I’ve got!” the clone of the fallen Archangel said in disbelief. “You should be a blood smear on the sand right now!”

I let out a primal scream and then pulled one of my hands away from my protective spell. The power of the Divine was coursing through my body, and I channeled it into my left hand.

It was time to unleash the God Cannon.

In one motion, I deactivated my shield, called forth Divine light into my second hand, and then blasted all my energy at Uriel’s clone. My pure white energy danced against his polluted yellow light for a second or two, but then I began to overtake him.

“No!” Uriel’s clone cried out. “This can’t be! I’m the one who’s supposed to be all-powerful, not you!”

My light continued to overtake Uriel’s, and then the fallen Archangel’s body was completely engulfed by the God Cannon. His eyes went wide as smoke began to sizzle off his body, and his clothes began to burn. Uriel’s flesh slowly began to turn to ash, and then he screamed as his entire figure dissolved into the light. I let up my attack, and there was nothing left of the Archangel’s clone.

And then there was one.

I turned my attention back to Raphael and the final form of Uriel. The two were locked in an epic battle, but it wasn’t as one-sided as it had been back in Padeo Park. My friend was trading blows with Uriel tit-for-tat, and it looked like things were at a stalemate.

That needed to change.

I dashed over to the scene, and I lit up my fist with Divine light as I ran. Once I was within striking distance of Uriel, I lashed out with my glowing fist and decked him across the face. Bluish-red blood sprayed out of his mouth, and he balled his fist to counter.

Unfortunately for him, Raph was ready. The dark-haired Archangel’s fist came up and uppercutted the fucker before he even knew what hit him. Before he could reorient himself, Raphael brought his knee up into the spot where I’d stabbed the blond man earlier. As Uriel let out a grunt of pain, I brought my glowing fist down onto the stab wound on his shoulder. Uriel screamed, but he was quickly cut off by Raphael striking him in the jaw.

The fallen Archangel fell to his knees in pain, and Raph and I shared a nod. Both of us summoned Divine light into our hands, spun around, and blasted Uriel directly in the chest with a non-lethal attack. The blond man’s body hit the ground hard, and he groaned as he struggled to move.

“Raph?” I panted and looked over at my friend. “I think we did it.”

“I think we did.” Raphael smiled through the blood that covered his face.

The Archangel outstretched his hand, and I gladly reached out and gave it a shake.

We’d done it. Together, we just defeated a fallen Archangel.

Chapter 18

As Raph and I stood there, savoring our victory over Uriel, I heard the familiar roar of Shadow’s engine across the landscape. I looked up and saw the black Jeep Wrangler headed directly toward our position, with Aruna still behind the wheel, Sia in the passenger seat, and Todd mounted on the top. Behind the vehicle, the rest of the succubi glided through the air on their elegant wings.

The Jeep screeched to a halt right next to Raph and me, and then Aruna and Sia leapt out with their weapons at the ready. Meanwhile, Todd pointed his minigun directly at the writhing Uriel.

“Thanks for holding him off for me, Jakey,” Todd cackled. “But the Toddster is here now, and he’s about to piss all over this Urinal!”

“That’s actually quite clever,” Raphael mused. “You took your common mispronunciation of his name and turned it into something catchy.”

“Really?” Todd asked as he eased his body. “Because it took me forever to come up with that, and I was afraid nobody would get it.”

“No, no,” the Archangel reassured. “It’s excellent, Todd.”

“Thanks, Raph!” The imp grinned, and then he snapped his hands back against the handle of the mounted minigun. At the same time, the rest of the succubi landed onto the ground and prepared to assist.

“It’s alright,” I said as I raised my hand to calm the group. “Uriel is defeated. This is him at one-fourth of his regular power, and he just got his ass kicked into next week. He’s not going anywhere.”

“We’ve taken care of the Daeva, as well,” Cupi explained. “This faction of the Army of the Dejected is no more.”

“Some of them tried to escape,” Ira added with a devilish grin. “I chased them down and punished them like the sorry little puppies that they were.”

“What Sister Ira is getting at is that the battle is over,” Sia took over. “We were victorious, and not a single cultist was lost. There were a few minor injuries, but it’s nothing my healing touch can’t fix. Speaking of which... are you two alright? You look like you’ve been through Hell.”

“We did just fight an Archangel,” I reminded the redhead. “I’m sore as fuck, but I think I’ll be okay. You might have to run your hands all over my body though. Just to be sure.”

“Seriously, bro?” Todd asked in annoyance. “We’re in the middle of a battle here!”

“No, Todd,” Libidine corrected. “The battle’s done. We won!”

“This calls for celebratory reefer for everyone!” Tris added coyly. “Todd’s treat.”

“I’ll admit,” Aruna spoke up, “I’m happy I took this job after all. I’ve fought against you before, Jacob, but fighting alongside you in battle is something to behold. I--”

Aruna’s words were cut off by a slow, sarcastic clap. I looked over and saw that Uriel had weakly pulled himself up to his knees, but he looked like he could topple over at any given moment.

“Congratulations,” the blond man mocked. “You won. I hope you’re proud of yourselves.”

“I dunno,” Todd sneered. “I kinda am.”

“Good for you,” the Archangel on the ground hissed and then looked at Raphael. “I hope you see the light some day, Raphael. This is just the beginning of the next chapter of our war. Beelzebub and the Daeva will get to Ralston eventually, and then they will finish what I started here and restore order to the universe. I just wish I could have been around to see it.”

“What are you talking about?” Raph sneered and picked up his enemy by the back of his cloak. “You’ll get to watch Beelzebub’s plan unfold from a Divine jail cell if you’re lucky.”

“Ohhhh no,” Cupi protested. “We can’t let Uriel live. He’s way too dangerous to be left alive!”

“He’s going to stand trial,” Raph reiterated, “and then he’s going to face whatever justice the Exalted One has in store for him.”

“I’m with Cupi on this one,” Todd interjected. “I’ve seen this movie way too many times. If you take him away, he’s just gonna escape and come back in the sequel.”

“What would you have me do then?” Raph demanded. “I’m not a cold-blooded killer. That’s what separates us from the Demonic!”

“I’m-- I’m afraid the imp is right,” Uriel said as he coughed up a mouthful of blood. “You’re going to have to kill me, old friend.”

“I will not--” Raphael began.

“You don’t have a choice!” Uriel growled and pulled a dagger from his boot. The blond man used his last bit of strength to whip around and stab Raphael directly in the chest. Raph’s eyes grew wide, and he stumbled back as he fumbled at the hilt of the blade lodged in his sternum.

“Sia!” I commanded. “Heal him!”

The redhead dashed off to the Archangel. If she was fast enough, she could save his life before any real damage was done.

Meanwhile, Uriel pulled himself slowly to his feet, summoned a weak sputter of yellow light into his hand, and grinned. He raised his hand to blast us, but we were all too fast for the fucker. Uriel’s body was instantly lit up by spells of red, yellow, and white in addition to the enchanted bullets of Todd’s minigun. His figure was fully engulfed in their blinding gleam, and an angry roar erupted from somewhere inside the ball of light.

Then, all was silent.

We let up our attack, and the Archangel’s charred and bullet-riddled corpse laid in a heap on the sand.

“There,” Sia said with a sigh of relief as her golden flames encased Raphael’s body, the bloody dagger removed from the wound and in her free hand. “Good as new.”

“Thank you, Superbia,” Raphael’s booming voice retorted. “Another second or two, and I would have been a goner.”

“Don’t mention it.” The madame shrugged off the compliment. “It’s the least I could do for one of our closest friends.”

“I’m flattered.” Raph chuckled.

Sia smiled, then turned away from the Archangel. She walked over to me and placed her tender hand on my exposed chest. The succubus’ hand glowed with shimmering gold Hellfire, and I felt the spell spread its warmth across my body. Slowly, the painful burning sensation that had filled my insides was replaced with a cool tingle, and then my body felt like it was back to normal. Sia gave me a loving look with her large violet eyes, and then she stepped away with a wink.

“Suicide by succubi,” Todd scoffed. “Now I think I have seen everything.”

“It’s a shame.” Raphael sighed as he prodded Uriel’s body with his foot. “Death was too good of a punishment for Uriel. His crimes went against every Holy Law in the book.”

Oliver and Jane appeared over the hill, with the cultists close behind them. The white-haired man ran up to me, doubled over with his hands on his knees, and looked like he was about to keel over.

“We-- We got here as quickly as we could,” he gasped between breaths. “Where is the Archangel?”

“I think that’s him over there, Oliver.” Jane chuckled and pointed to the heap of charred flesh and gore that used to be Uriel. “I told you Jacob could handle it on his own.”

“I appreciate your faith.” I raised my eyebrow at the brunette. “But I didn’t do it alone, Raph did just as much as me.”

“You’re too humble, Jacob,” Raphael conceded. “You’re the one who ultimately took down all of his clones. If it weren’t for your Divine abilities and Superbia’s healing touch, I’d be dead right now.”

“Hold the phone, bro,” Todd’s voice interjected. “There’s only room for one bromance in this story, and that’s Jakey and me. No homo, of course.”

“Aw, come on,” I explained. “We can still be the Dynamic Duo. Batman has plenty of other superhero friends. A whole team of them, in fact.”

“But Robin doesn’t!” Todd argued. “And remember---”

Todd covered his arm as if he had a cape draped over it.

“I’m Batman,” he growled in a voice that sounded like he smoked twenty packs a day.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to the rest of the group. “We should head home,” I announced. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m exhausted.”

“Fiiinaally, somebody said it.” Tris sighed and then ran over to Shadow. “Let’s go! There’s a spot on our couch that’s calling my name.”

“Where do you think you’re going?” Gula pouted as she ran after the Sister of Sloth. “We rode in the sports car, remember?”

“Awwww,” Tris groaned. “Do we really have to fly all the way back there?”

Gula grabbed Tris by the arm, and the two of them took off into the air.

Ira looked up into the air and sighed. “That’s my ride,” she chuckled. “I should probably go after them. Although… a night out in the desert, surrounded by all this gritty, rough sand might be just what I need to get my juices flowing.”

“Your creative juices?” I asked hopefully.

“If that’s what you want to call them.” The Sister of Wrath winked and then floated up into the air. “Are you coming, Raphael?”

The Archangel shook his head and frowned. “As much as I’d love to return to your mansion and celebrate,” he explained, “I’m afraid I’ll have to pass.”

“Aw, come on, Raphey boy,” Todd begged. “There are, like, a million funny internet videos I wanted to show you.”

“How many of them involve lewd sexual acts?” Raphael asked, and his tone made it sound like he already knew the answer.

“None of them!” Todd answered proudly.

Raph stared at the imp and crossed his arms. Todd’s face dropped into a frown, and he threw up his arms in defeat.

“Alright, all of them,” he admitted, “but they’re a lot more tasteful than the last batch. I promise!”

“I’m afraid I still have to pass,” Raphael sighed. “This whole situation is a mess.”

“A mess?” I asked curiously. “We just did the Divine a huge favor.”

“That may be,” Raphael explained, “but there are going to be some major consequences to our actions here tonight. Nobody has ever actually killed an Archangel before. There’s going to be so much red tape and a lot of reports when I get back… It might be weeks before we see each other again.”

I nodded. “I hope that’s not the case, but I do appreciate your help here tonight.”

“As I do yours, Jacob Ralston,” the Archangel said with a smile and then turned to my friends. “And all of yours, as well. We would not have been victorious if this unit hadn’t worked as one well-oiled machine. The Battle of the Sonoran is a story that will be told for millennia.”

“The Battle of the Sonoran?” Todd asked. “What the fuck does that mean?”

“It’s the name of the desert we’re in.” Raph chuckled and then stepped a few feet back. “Farewell, my friends. Until we meet again.” The Archangel’s body was engulfed by a brilliant white light, and then he slowly disappeared into the windy night.

As I walked back over to Shadow, I paused to put my hand on Oliver’s shoulder. “You guys fucking killed it,” I promised the cultists. “Tell you what, take as much money from our funds as you need, and go celebrate. You’ve earned it.”

The white-haired man grinned at my words. “Yes!” he exclaimed and turned back to the rest of the cultists. “Did you hear that, guys? We can celebrate however we want! No more roach motel orgies!”

“Again with the orgies.” Todd shuddered. “That was not a mental image I needed in my head right now, bro.”

“If you don’t mind,” Jane interrupted, “I think I’ll head back with you. The whole ‘orgy’ scene was totally the old me.”

I put my arm around the brunette and began to walk back to the vehicle. “The more, the merrier.”

Cupi, Liby, and Sia had all gotten into the Jeep, and I noticed that Aruna was walking off into the barren plains.

“Uh, Aruna?” I tried to get the Rakshasi’s attention. “Don’t you need a ride?”

The assassin turned around, shot me a sly grin, and then shook her head. “You may be a badass demon hunter and a powerful warrior,” she chuckled, “but you still have much to learn.”

The Rakshasi’s body glowed with black ectoplasm, and then her figure morphed into that of a hawk. The bird took off and disappeared into the horizon in seconds.

“She’ll be back,” I admitted to Jane. “She still needs her paycheck, after all.”

Once we were all in the Jeep, we set off back toward the main road. Thankfully, Shadow was built for off-roading, and the rocky terrain was no match for her massive wheels. We were back on the highway in no time at all, and then we set off toward our mansion.

The group was silent for nearly the whole drive, and I noticed that all the succubi in the back were out cold. Jane was still awake, but she looked like she was about to pass out at any moment. Meanwhile, Todd was curled up in the cultist’s lap, snoring loudly like a buzzsaw.

We arrived at the mansion and saw that Gula, Tris, and Ira had already beat us home. The six of us stumbled out of the vehicle, entered through the door of the mansion, and then headed to bed. Todd didn’t even make it all the way into his bedroom before he collapsed onto the floor. I shut the door behind him as silently as I could, and then I followed the succubi into our room.

Tris, Gula, and Ira were already fast asleep in bed, and the four of us tried our best to slide in without disturbing them. The second I was under the covers and in a semi-comfortable position, I was out like a light.

The next thing I knew, I was awoken by the sound of shrieks coming from somewhere downstairs. When I noticed that the succubi were all gone, my heart sank into my stomach.

Was it Beelzebub? Had he found us?

I jolted out of bed, ran out of my room, and dashed down the marble staircase as quickly as I possibly could. I summoned red Hellfire into my hands as I prepared to take on whatever piece of shit demon could possibly be in my house. I passed through the threshold of the living room and let out a sigh of relief.

Most of the succubi, Jane, and Todd were cheering and screaming happily as they watched the television mounted to the wall. I deactivated my Hellfire and looked around curiously.

“What’s going on?” I asked the jubilant crowd.

Ira stepped forward with a smile that was ten miles wide. “The election results just came in,” she said with a happy bounce. “You’re looking at Arizona’s newest representative!”

Without even thinking, I threw my arms around Ira and picked her up into the air. “I knew you could do it!” I shouted happily as I embraced the succubus.

“Easy there, killer,” Ira nearly moaned in my arms. “Save all that strength of yours for the bedroom.”

I set Ira back down, straightened myself out, and then extended my hand to her in a professional manner. We shook as if we were both stuffy politicians, and then the succubi and I burst out into a fit of laughter.

“I’m going to hate D.C.,” she cackled. “Those guys all have sticks up their asses, and not in a good way.”

“Wait,” Todd asked in horror, “there’s a ‘good way’ to have a stick up your ass?”

“Only if you know what you’re doing.” Ira winked at the imp, and Todd made a gagging face.

Just then, Libidine appeared around the corner of the kitchen holding a bottle of wine in her hand. “This is supposedly the best wine Robert Quinn had in his cellar,” she explained. “I figured this was a good occasion to bust it out.”

“Liby,” Cupiditas mused from her seat on the couch, “is there ever a bad occasion to bring out the wine?”

“In my experience, there is not.” Sia giggled.

Libidine opened up the cupboard and floated a few wine glasses down with her green Hellfire. Then, she popped the cork, filled each glass with a liberal amount of red wine, and lifted them up into the air once more. The succubus used her telekinetic flames to pass out the goblets, and then we each raised our glasses in a toast.

“To Ira?” Jane suggested.

“To Jacob!” Ira added.

“No, no,” I corrected. “To victory!”

“To the Toddster!” Todd interjected.

The room went quiet, and all six of us glared at the imp for a moment. Then, I shrugged and lifted my glass in front of my face.

“Fuck it!” I laughed. “To the Toddster!”

I tossed back the glass of wine, and my mouth was instantly filled with its sweet, berry-filled flavor. I continued to take swigs of the delicious drink as I mingled with my friends and watched the political analysis on TV.

“Now,” the commentator on the news explained, “there are some concerns over Maggie Franklin’s credentials. Did you know that there’s a rumor going around that she hangs out with Satanists?”

“Please,” the other commentator scoffed. “Are you referring to the claims that nutjob John Zeitmann made in his latest book? You know that guy’s crazy, right?”

“Jesus,” I said as I shook my head at the absurdity of the situation. “If this Zeitmann guy keeps it up, people might actually start to believe him.”

“I’m not worried about it,” Ira admitted. “I’m a politician now. That’s probably not even close to the worst thing people are going to say about me.”

“Besides,” Cupi added, “that guy was a room service attendant. He’s just milking his one paranormal encounter for all it’s worth, that’s all.”

“I hope you’re right,” I sighed and took another swig of the wine.

My thoughts were interrupted by the shrill noise of the house phone as it rang.

“I’ve got it!” Gula exclaimed as she ran off into the other room. “I’m expecting a call.”

“Who-- You know what?” I chuckled. “I don’t even want to know.”

“So, Jakey,” Todd asked curiously, “what’s next for the ol’ group here? We got a politician in the group now, and we’ve killed an Archangel. You can’t get much more intense than that, bro.”

“Oh, sure we can,” I reminded the imp. “We still have one more member of the Circle of Sin to rescue, remember?”

“Oh yeah,” Todd nodded. “Individual or whatever.”

“Invidia,” I corrected, “but yes. If we ever want to be fully free of all this demon hunting and Heaven and Hell bullshit, we need to save her and kill Azazel once and for all.”

“That’s a pretty lofty goal, bro,” Todd admitted. “That could take, like, five or six episodes.”

“Speaking of episodes,” I tried to change the subject, “how is your blog going? Any new hits?”

“Actually, it’s doing fan-fucking-tastic,” the imp said with a grin. “Remember that tool, Chort? Well, apparently, he’s not such a bad guy after all. He sent me an e-mail asking if I’d be interested in taking on a virtual paranormal consultant, and as a sign of good faith, he let me in on some classified info about the Daeva. I published it all on my blog, and it caught fire like 1871 Chicago!”

“Typical.” I chuckled. “I love it.”

“Anyway,” the imp continued, “my blog is up to ten thousand views a day! That little pig-faced demon pulled through!”

“Ten thousand views a day?” I inquired. “That’s gotta be bringing in some decent money, right?”

“It sure is, bro,” Todd said proudly. “Last month, I brought in a whole two-hundred dollars.”

I raised my finger to say something snarky, but then Gula ran back into the room squealing.

“Guess what?” the curvy redhead asked rhetorically. “I took Jacob’s advice and submitted a demo video to the Cooking Channel. Some guy named… Robert Flay, I think, wants me to work on his show!”

“This day just keeps getting better and better,” I smiled and raised my wine glass. “To Gula!”

“To Gula!” all of my friends repeated, and then we finished off our drinks.

I looked around the room, and I couldn’t help but feel pride swelling up within my soul. I was surrounded by seven sexy, beautiful women who were all ridiculously powerful and talented, and I had two of the best friends a guy could ever ask for.

It didn’t matter if the final battle with Azazel or a confrontation with Beelzebub lay ahead. My friends and I would see it through, just as we always had.

For now, it was time to sit back, relax, and celebrate the sweet taste of victory.

End Book 5

End Notes

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2019 by Eric Vall