Chapter 1

This had to be our most insane idea yet.

My friends and I had slain demon after countless demon in the last few months. We’d been all across the country, traveling to cool locations, investigating cases of the demonic, taking down Azazel and his Seventy-Two Servants, and having a fucking blast doing so.

But this? This one was definitely not that.

Before us, in a wheelchair, sat an elderly man with leathery, wrinkled skin. He was wearing a button-up red flannel shirt along with dollar-store sweatpants, and atop his head sat nothing but a horseshoe pattern of gray hair and some unhealthy-looking moles. What the man lacked in hair on his head, he made up for with a bushy peppered mustache on his upper lip that he kept twitching sporadically.

This man was our imp.

“Hurry up and get me to bingo,” Todd demanded as he rolled out into the hallway. “These Depends ain’t gonna hold up all day, sonny.”

“You look fine, Todd,” Libidine reassured.

All four of the succubi stood next to me and admired the imp in his disguise. For this mission, we decided to go with something a little bit more subtle than usual. We all wore matching maroon scrubs, the standard uniform of the employees here at the nursing home. It wasn’t very elegant, but it helped us blend in.

“Did you really need the ridiculous Sam Elliott-stache?” I whispered as I walked over and wrapped my hands around the handles of Todd’s wheelchair.

“The chicks dig it, bro,” the incognito imp whispered back. “Mustache rides for days, that’s all I’m gonna say.”

“Did someone say ‘mustache rides?’” Ira, the Sister of Wrath, perked up like a dog at the words. “I could use a good one of those right now.”

“I rest my case,” Todd said with a shrug.

“I like the way you think, Ira.” The blonde succubus, Cupiditas, giggled. “Maybe Jacob could start to grow one?”

“I can’t say I’ve ever had one of these ‘rides’ you speak of,” Sia pondered, “but I’m open to anything.”

“Easy there, girls.” Todd raised an old man hand to settle them all down. “I don’t even think Jakey here can grow one of those puppies. Last time he tried, it was just patches of five-o’clock shadow everywhere.”

“That was in ninth grade, bro,” I said with a roll of my eyes. “Now that I’m a badass demon-slayer, I’m sure I could look all grizzled and manly with some facial hair.”

The imp in disguise pointed to his upper lip and snickered. “Ain’t nothing gonna top this thing, bro. Might as well not even try.”

“Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t go with Cheech.” I snorted at the thought.

“That was actually my second choice,” Todd explained as he ran a hand happily through the hair on his face, “but I figured this would help me blend in a little bit more.”

Sia made a loud throat-clearing noise and shot us both a reminding look. “Speaking of blending in, we need to get ‘Gerald’ here to the main hall. His favorite game is about to start, after all.”

I nodded to the succubi, gave Todd’s wheelchair a little push, and we were off toward what could perhaps be the most epic game of bingo to ever be played.

“Ohhh,” Libidine cooed. “I like it when you bend over in those pants!”

“I like it better when he’s facing us,” Ira interjected. “If you look reeaaall close, you can see the outline of one massive package. Addressed to me, of course.”

The succubi and I were dressed in cheap, flimsy maroon scrubs as we made our way through the bowels of the Green Valleywood Senior Community. These outfits were horribly uncomfortable and flattering in all the wrong places, but they made for the perfect disguise.

“Now, Gerald,” Sia cooed to the imp in disguise, “the game is right down this hall here. You just went to the restroom. Surely you won’t have to go again in the next hour, right?”

“I dunno, toots.” Todd giggled. “If I keep seeing all these nurses in their tight scrubs, I might have to hit it up for another reason.”

“Is it bad that I can’t tell if he just broke his disguise or not?” Cupi sighed.

I could hear loud chatter from up ahead as we passed through the dingy hallways of the nursing home. As we walked, I took in everything around us. The entire place smelled of a disgusting, unidentified scent, but with the faint hint of lilacs. The carpets and paint job looked to be at least a decade old, and there were several small holes in the walls and ceilings.

All around us, men and women in their own maroon scrubs were guiding elderly patients toward the main hall with massive grins on their faces. Some of them even went as far as to lead their residents on their walkers as they chatted it up. This place may not have been a luxury resort, but at least the employees seemed to genuinely care about giving their residents a great experience in their twilight years.

It was heartwarming to see, but it also caused muted anger to boil at my core. These people didn’t deserve what was coming.

There were a handful of demons in their midsts, including Naberius the Bestower, one of the few remaining members of the Seventy-Two Servants.

We were here to send them back to Hell where they belonged.

“I still don’t get it,” I pondered out loud. “Why an old person’s home? Shouldn’t Naberius be running for office or sitting on a board of trustees or something like that?”

“I’m afraid our enemy has just as much influence here as he would out in the wider world.” Sia sighed. “Many lower-level demons are tasked with doing the more … subtle manipulations here on Earth.”

“Think about it,” Cupi added. “This place has, what, two-hundred residents? These people love having company, Jacob. Bring in a charming, charismatic demon or two, and suddenly, you have the ear of two-hundred people with voting power and a semi-disposable income.”

“So Naberius is basically manipulating these people into giving the Seventy-Two Servants money and voting for their Manchurian candidates?” I asked.

“Bingo!” Todd snickered from the wheelchair. “See what I did there, Jakey?”

“Yes, Todd.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the terrible pun.

“What I wanna know was how the old whipper-snapper is still alive,” the incognito imp continued. “He was totally at the Battle of Hell’s Gate, so Ira’s evil Lassie should have turned him into dog chow.”

“I do miss that dog,” Ira said with a wistful sigh. “I wish we could have kept him since he was such a good boy.”

“Other than the fact that he was going to kill us all and bring Azazel back from Hell,” I reminded the dark-haired succubus.

“Small price to pay.” Ira shrugged. “Being a pet parent would still be totally worth it.”

“Focus,” Todd got out while he stifled a giggle. “You damn millennials and your Pacman video games, Scooby-Doo cartoons, and toilet-paper thin attention span. I asked you a question!”

“Easy there, ‘Gerald,’” I jokingly warned the imp. “We’d hate to have to take you out back and put you out to pasture.”

“If it’s my time, it’s my time.” Todd shrugged.

“To answer your question,” I sighed, “there were a few members of the Seventy-Two Servants who slipped away through the Porta ad Inferos, remember? Naberius doesn’t sound like a fighter, so I’m sure he was one of the first to put his tail between his legs and run when things went south.”

“You’re welcome!” Ira said, utterly unapologetic. “See? If I hadn’t tried to take back the Gateway to Hell, then the Seventy-Two Servants would still be at large, and we never would have met. I did you a favor by trying to kill you.”

“There’s a silver lining for everything,” I admitted as we entered the main recreation area of the nursing home.

Brown rectangular card tables were set up all throughout the massive room and surrounded by elderly people in wheelchairs and walkers. At the front of the grand hall, next to the makeshift PA system and large bingo cage, stood a scrawny man in a mustard-yellow plaid suit.

Even from a distance, I could tell this guy was slimy. His brown hair was formed into a messy comb-over, and there was so much product slicked into his ‘do his head gleamed like a disco ball with each move he made. The mustard-plaid suited man was holding a slender portable microphone in his hand as he paced back and forth in front of the poorly-made “Bingo Night” banner hung up behind him.

It was Naberius.

Without warning, there was the distinct sound of a slap in front of us. A young blonde employee was now staring at the “elderly man” intensely with a look of murder in her eyes. She stuck out her finger and waggled it at Todd.
“That was not appropriate!” she hissed. “You know that kind of behavior could get you sent away. Is that what you want?”

“Where am I?” Todd snickered coyly. “Is this the woodworking shop? Are you my wife?”

The blonde employee’s face grew sympathetic, and she patted the disguised imp on the head.

“No, this is your home now,” she said sadly, and then she stood up to look at us. “You guys need to watch him better. He just smacked my ass like it was a freaking tambourine!”

“I’ll do better,” I swore. “Gerald here’s merely been a little more forgetful than usual today. Maybe a good game of bingo will jog his memory a little bit.”

“I hope so.” The blonde sighed and then walked away.

“Was that totally necessary?” I asked “Gerald” as I rolled him up to an empty spot at the table.

“Yes.” Todd nodded. “You shoulda seen it, Jakey. It was like the holy grail of asses.”

“Yeah, but--”

“You know those signs that say ‘Danger: High Voltage?’” the incognito imp continued. “And how you want to go up and touch them anyway just out of morbid curiosity?”

“I can’t ever say that I have--”

“It was like that, but with the blonde’s ass.” He chuckled. “I just happened to get electrocuted this time.”

“Okay, I get it,” I cut off Todd. “Now, let’s go over the plan one more time.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he scoffed as he swung his hand around. “I get Naberius to come over here real close, and then me, you, Strawberry Shortcake, and Leather Spanking kick his ass while Playmate and Fitness Model get everyone to safety.”

“Leather spanking?” Ira asked as she raised a dark eyebrow.

“I was going to go with ‘Hotter and Female Version of Two Face’s psyche, but that was a bit too long winded.” Todd shrugged.

“Wow, so you were listening,” I said with feigned shock. “Good luck, bingo master.”

The succubi and I left Todd to his game and walked to the back of the room.

“I did have one question,” Ira asked as we stood there watching the game unfold. “Do you want me as one or as two?”

“Excuse me?” My heart thumped in my chest as I pondered the succubus’ words.

A sly smile slid up Ira’s face. “I meant for this mission,” she explained. “Do you think I can cover more ground if my sub and my dom are both in on the action?”

“I would think it would be wise to have your dom half guard the door,” Cupi interrupted. “Trust me, that would ensure none of our targets escape. Not to mention, having a self-healer like your sub in the heat of a battle is always a great idea.”

“Just be warned,” Ira purred, “my sub half is going to say some things that can’t be unheard.”

“Trust us, sister.” Libidine chuckled. “Nothing could surprise us at this point.”

“Bingo!” Todd’s voice echoed through the main hall as he raised his ticket into the air. “I got one!”

“That’s the first signal,” I said as I nodded to the four succubi.

Ira hustled away toward the bathroom while Sia, Liby, and Cupi all took their places against the east, west, and south walls of the great hall.

“That’s excellent, sir!” Naberius’ raspy voice called out. “Whattya got for me?”

Todd looked confused. “Uh… B9, I27, free space, G50, and O63.”

“I don’t think I called those numbers, sir,” the demon at the front mused.

“What? I can’t hear you, sorry!” Todd fake yelled-apologized to Naberius as angry murmurs began to rise around him.

The man in the mustard plaid let out a sigh and then continued on with the game.

“If the Toddster doesn’t play it carefully, these old people are gonna rip him apart,” I told Sia. “The demons will be the least of his problems.”

“You must explain this game to me again.” Sia rapped her petite chin with her slender fingers. “It’s purely based on luck of the draw?”

“Basically.” I shrugged. “There’s no skill or strategy to it, at least that I know of. You just sit there and hope all of your lucky numbers get called.”

“That sounds boring,” the redheaded madame mused. “I’ll take a game with statistics and numbers and complex strategies any day over something so trivial like this.”

“It might be a little dry and uneventful, but that’s what makes it the perfect game for people in the later years of their lives,” I explained. “Could you imagine these guys trying to play Monopoly? The nursing home would burn to the ground.”

“That sounds delightful.” Ira’s voice giggled as the succubus returned.

The Sister of Wrath was still wearing the maroon scrubs, but the twinge of insanity in her eyes and the sadistic grin she wore on her face told me this was only half of the succubus.

“Sub half, I presume?” I said with a playful bow.

“Hammer cock,” the dark-haired woman grinned back, “we still need to set up a time to get to know each other better, you know. I want that thing to punish me like a naughty doggie.”

“Shhhh!” Sia hissed at the sub. “We’re undercover, remember?”

“I’d like to be under the covers with that battleaxe of a cock.” The sub giggled. “And above them. And on the couch. And in the pool. And until I’m raw like a piece of sandpap--”

“I understand, sister,” Sia cut off the sub, a little annoyance in her tone, and then turned to me. “Todd should be giving the second signal at any moment now, correct?”

“I hope so.” I nodded. “There can’t possibly be that many demons in an old folks’ home, right?”

“I hope there are.” The sub half of Ira laughed, slapped her hands on my cheeks, and stared me deeply in the eyes. “I wanna get fucked up real baaaaad.”

I pulled away from the crazy succubus and shook my head.

“It’s really gonna take me a while to get used to that, you know,” I retorted to the dark-haired woman. “I’ve dated some really crazy women before, but I think you might just take the cake.”

Ira’s sub half clapped her hands together joyfully. “Thank you, master,” she said with a smile. “I’ve never had anyone give me such a kind compliment before. I hate it! Please take me into the bathroom and punish me instead.”

“This is gonna be weird,” I turned and whispered to Sia.

From across the room, I saw the elderly Todd raise his hand into the air sheepishly.

“Yes, sir.” Naberius pointed from the stage. “You with the raised hand. Do you need help with something?”

“Sure do, sonny!” Todd yelled as if he was deaf. “I think I got another one of them ‘bingos,’ but I don’t want to get in trouble again for being wrong. Could you be a gent and come tell me if I’ve won?”

Naberius’ slimy face contorted with concern as he began to walk off the stage.

“Of course I can,” he comforted the “old man.” “You all know I’d do anything for my favorite friends here at Green Valleywood, don’t you, folks?”

There were a few weak claps and cheers as Naberius made his way to Todd. Once the demon got there, he placed his hand kindly on “Gerald’s” back and leaned in to read the bingo card.

“This is it,” I reminded Sia and Ira’s sub. “Once Liby hits the fire alarm, we move.”

I looked over and saw Liby was in position, right next to the red pull-alarm. The succubus nodded in my direction, reached up, and then yanked down on the lever.

Flashing red lights erupted from the tiny fixtures on the walls, and the entire nursing home was filled with the shrill scream of the alarm.

The residents were looking around in confusion, but the employees were rushing around like chickens with their heads cut off. Libidine and Cupiditas both fell back into their disguise roles and began to help their “co-workers” get people out of the main hall.

Naberius tried to turn and run, but Todd grabbed at his mustard-colored suit and held him in place. The demon in disguise tried to break the imp’s grip as he started to scream at the “old man,” but he wasn’t going anywhere.

I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but I could see the demon was getting angrier and more panicked by the second.

This was our chance.

I sauntered toward the fucker as I extended a flaming green hand. It didn’t take much for me to get disgusted, the sight of this sleazy bastard was all I needed. I blasted the spell at Naberius’ feet, and his eyes widened as the jade fire traveled up his legs and encased his entire body.

“Ralston,” he growled. “I should have known you’d find me eventually.”

“Where are the rest of the Seventy-Two Servants?” I demanded. “There can’t be that many of you left.”

“There are still plenty enough left to kill you and your traitorous succubi!” Naberius hissed.

“Uh, guys?” Todd was now standing on the seat of the wheelchair and looked like his normal impish self. “I think the old fogies might be mad we interrupted their bingo game.”

There were at least a dozen “residents” who were now on their feet and advancing angrily toward us. More alarmingly, they all had red Hellfire glowing in their hands.

“Now, sonny,” one of the old women chuckled, and as the old lady spoke, her voice grew deeper and deeper until it was a raspy, demonic growl. “Why would you go hurting such a nice, handsome boy like that? I suppose we’re just gonna have to teach you a lesson now, aren’t we?”

Chapter 2

“You know,” Todd scoffed as he summoned a ball of fire into his open palms, “you demons are really bringing out the worst in me. First, you guys made me lay the smackdown on some little toe-headed kid, and now I get to beat up old people?”

“You guys would be fucked if Todd actually had a conscience,” I joked and tightened my telekinetic hold on Naberius.

“What--What the fuck are you waiting for?” the demon gasped. “Kill them!”

“You’re really not in a position to be making threats,” I said as I let out a snicker.

Quickly, I raised Naberius into the sky and brought him down hard on one of the tables. The demon let out a weak yelp as the flimsy plastic buckled under his weight, and he was driven head-first into the floor.

Immediately after I pounded the fucker into the ground, I released my spell and summoned red and purple Hellfire into my hands. Before any of the grunts could get a shot off, I blasted the old bastard on my left with an intense wave of crimson. He screamed in agony as his chest got a new cavity, and then he collapsed to his knees in shock.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to admire my handiwork as an “old woman” on my right had her arm back like she was winding up for a pitch. Only, instead of a harmless baseball, she was about to release a thousand-degree ball of Hellfire in my direction.

Right as her arm was set to release, I called up a small barrier of purple around her fist. Instead of launching her attack, the “old woman’s” eyes widened in terror as her entire hand was engulfed with her own searing-hot flames. The demon let out an inhuman hiss of pain as its hand was melted into little more than singed bone and sinew, and I felt a little bit better about beating up a geriatric.

These fuckers might look like elderly men and women, but they were really centuries-old demon grunts, and they were all about to be sent back to Hell where they belonged.

While the demon was distracted with its injury, I used my telekinetic spell to snap two of the metal legs off the card table next to her and lifted them into the air. Then I held out my hands in front of me in a parallel pattern and then slammed my two fists together.

The metal legs followed suit as they sped through the air and skewered both sides of the demon’s head with a sickly crunch.

Before the bastard died, its eyes rolled back into its head and it reverted back to its regular form. Unlike the demon grunts we’d encountered before who looked like larger versions of Todd, these guys were tall and lanky with green skin and red eyes.

Weren’t these supposed to be Azazel’s minions? Why did they look so different?

Before I could ponder the question any further, I heard a scream coming from my left. I whipped around and saw one of the demons had grabbed an elderly woman and was holding her with an arm around the throat.

More alarmingly, the son of a bitch was threatening the helpless woman with a dagger against her temple.

“Give up, Ralston,” the distorted demonic voice hissed. “Give yourself up, and we’ll let these old geezers live.”

“How the fuck--pardon the language, ma'am,” I caught myself. “How the hell do you demons keep thinking this is gonna work?”

“I swear to Lucifer himself, I’ll end her!” the demon threatened again.

“Try it,” I dared the cocksucker.

The “old man” plunged the dagger at his hostage’s temple. Instead of harming the innocent old woman, the tip of the weapon found itself traveling through space and time via green Hellfire … directly into the side of his own head.

What a dumbass.

He let out a yelp of surprise as his dark red blood shot out of the side of his skull, and then he let go of the white-haired woman and crumpled to the floor. I dashed across the hall and steadied the elderly woman as she stumbled and nearly fell.

“Get back in your room, ma'am,” I commanded and handed her an abandoned walker. “It’s much safer in there.”

I didn’t have to tell her twice. The old woman shuffled off into her room with the speed of a startled snail, and I turned my attention back to the battle.

Sia and Todd were dancing around the room, returning fire at the old-looking asshole demons.

“That’s for all the times you called me a ‘hippie’ and told me to get a haircut, Grandma!” Todd screamed as he released a fireball at his target. “Maybe next time I’ll forget your bladder-control meds on purpose!”

Meanwhile, Ira’s sub was standing naked in the middle of the room, shaking her ass at the demons tauntingly. All of the incoming projectiles were hitting the dark-haired succubus, but she didn’t seem to mind. Ira let out an intense moan of pleasure, healed herself with golden flames, and then continued to taunt her attackers.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Naberius climbing back to his feet. The demon tossed off the mustard-colored jacket of his suit, cracked his neck, and then pointed directly at me.

“My brethren couldn’t kill you, Jacob Ralston,” he roared, “but I will!”

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at this point. The Seventy-Two Servants and Azazel had been trying to kill us for nearly a year now, and we had kicked their asses each and every time. This wasn’t going to be any different.

Another quick survey of the battlefield told me most of the nursing home residents were out of harm’s way and my friends were doing fine on their own.

Good. That meant I could focus on Naberius, and Naberius alone. I smiled cockily at the demon as he rushed me and summoned an enchanted rapier into his hands.

Naberius made a stab at my head, but I sidestepped the attack. As I dodged, I summoned red Hellfire into my fist and countered the fucker with a punch to the face.

Naberius’ head kicked to the side as he grimaced with pain. Before I could get another swipe in, he lashed out at my legs with his rapier. I hopped gracefully over the blade and came down in a combat roll. As I jumped to my feet, I looked over in Todd’s direction and extended my hand.

“Toddster,” I called out to the imp. “Dagger me!”

“Brooooo,” Todd retorted as he dodged another fireball. “You were supposed to do the finger salute, just like we practiced! I even sketched it out on the whiteboard and everything.”

Still, despite his complaint, the imp drew my goat-headed dagger from his seemingly endless pockets and tossed it over in my direction. The weapon spun through the air for a moment before it landed perfectly in my right hand. As I brandished the weapon, I called forth red Hellfire, ran it over the cold steel, and the blade extended into a cutlass-like sword.

“Bad. Fucking. Ass,” Todd squealed from across the room.

I raised the sword toward Naberius. “So, it’s a swordfight you want?” I asked the demon. “Azazel and Zepar thought that was the way to beat me, too. You’ll have to ask how well it worked out next time you see them.”

Naberius was looking way worse for wear. My punch had completely burned the flesh on his left cheek, and a mixture of charred muscle and exposed bone replaced his normal complexion. His usually well-kempt hair was now standing up in tufts, and the new hairdo was held in place by the gallons of product on his head.

“What, with their broadswords?” Naberius scoffed and held the blade of his rapier in front of his face. “The weapon of a brute. This is a much more … sophisticated weapon.”

The demon flipped the tip of his blade downward at a diagonal angle and then swiped it up at my torso. I smacked the blow away with the swing of my cutlass and took a swipe at the fucker’s neck.

Naberius jumped backward, but the edge of my blade caught him in the chest and tore open his dress shirt. Blackish-red blood dribbled down his torso and stained his perfect white button-down, but the demon didn’t seem to pay much attention. Instead, he brought his rapier back into a defensive position and let out a sigh of frustration as he awaited my next move.

The two of us began to circle around each other, waiting for the other to strike. Waiting for the other to make a mistake we could exploit.

Luckily for Naberius, I was a much more aggressive fighter. I let out a primal growl of frustration as I lashed out in a downward motion with my weapon. The demon deflected my attack and quickly stabbed at my shoulder, but I was fast enough to knock it away. I countered with a diagonal slice at the bastard’s sword-carrying arm, and he gracefully parried out of the way of the attack.

We began to circle again.

This motherfucker was right about one thing, he was definitely more sophisticated of a fighter than most of the demons I’d faced. If I wanted to win a fight against someone as defensive-minded as Naberius, I was going to have to dig deep into my bag of tricks. Then it struck me.

Bingo.

I took another slice at the demon, who sidestepped the blow, and flipped his blade onto the opposite side of my own. Then, he sent my weapon flying through the air with a flick of his wrist.

I threw up a small barrier of purple just before the tip of Naberius’ rapier pierced my heart.

“Magic in a duel of the blade?” Naberius huffed. “I’m disappointed, Ralston.”

I didn’t even respond to the fucker. Instead, I used my free hand to reach out, encase the entire bingo table with emerald flames, and then yank it toward us.

Naberius ducked out of the way of the large table and then let several of the hollow balls bounce off his body harmlessly. He shook his head, chuckled, and then turned back to face me.

Right as I unleashed a white-hot fireball into his gut at point-blank range.

The demon was knocked off his feet and tossed across the great hall like a ragdoll. Before Naberius could make contact with the shitty plaster wall, I used my jade fire to wrap the massive bingo banner around his body, flung the end around one of the ceiling banisters, and then hung him upside-down.

The bastard weakly tried to break free from his entanglement, and I began to charge. As I ran, I stuck out my hand and summoned my cutlass back to me with a cast of green Hellfire. I was upon Naberius in seconds, and I used the enchanted blade to slit the bastard’s throat.

Blood seemed to pour out onto the floor by the gallon as the demon gurgled and writhed in shock. Naberius’ eyes glazed over, and then his body went limp.

“Not using magic against the man who defeated Azazel?” I snarked to the dead body. “I’m disappointed, Naberius.”

I turned around to see most of our enemies had now fallen.

Todd hopped off the face of one of the “old men,” and the demon fell back with his face now a bloody pulp. The imp backflipped through the air, landed on his wheelchair, and nodded satisfactorily.

Meanwhile, Sia had her hands wrapped around the throat of another demon. Black Hellfire engulfed the demon’s entire head as he struggled to breathe, and the redhead was unnervingly calm as she watched her enemy suffocate to death in her arms.

“Man, Sia really knows how to choke a bitch,” Todd joked as I walked up next to him.

I looked over at Ira’s sub and couldn’t help but chuckle. All four of her demon adversaries were still alive and well, hurling magical attacks at the succubus with frustration on their faces.

“Come on, is that really all you’ve got?” the sub demanded. “I’m starting to think you really are a bunch of weak old geezers. I’ve only orgasmed twice!”

“She’s enjoying this a little too much.” I shook my head and readied my sword. “Shall we?”

Todd motioned for me to lower the sword, so I obliged.

“Bro,” the imp said with a twinge of excitement in his voice, “I just got the coolest fucking idea.”

Todd sat down on his wheelchair and pointed directly ahead.

“I want to drift my wheelchair into those fuckers,” he explained with a completely serious look, “and then stab them with your sword.”

“What?” I asked in disbelief.

“Come on, bro,” Todd begged. “You and your Professor X powers can make it happen. Pleeeaaasseee? It’d be cool as shit.”

“Oh yes!” Ira’s sub exclaimed from afar. “Burn me! Stick me full of daggers! Break a fucking brick over my head!”

“Fine,” I conceded. “Anything to make that stop.”

Todd snatched my enchanted sword out of my hand, flipped back around, plopped his rear in the seat, and grabbed on tight to the wheelchair handles. Then he raised the glowing red weapon into the air.

“Let’s make the magic happen, Jakey!” he exclaimed.

I chuckled, wrapped my hands around the bars on the back of the chair, and gave it a hard shove.

Todd cackled with glee as the wheelchair sped toward the remaining demons. As soon as he was within a decent striking distance, I summoned emerald fire around the makeshift chariot and turned it to the side.

“Flash!” Todd exclaimed as his chair drifted toward his targets. “Aaaaahhaaaahhh!”

The demons on the far side of Ira’s sub noticed the incoming imp, but it was far too late. The first one’s head was lopped off his neck with a swift strike, and the second one got a sword directly through the heart.

The mobile imp’s momentum kept him going, and he sliced open the leg tendons of the third demon as he passed by. Then, Todd propelled himself out of the wheelchair and flipped over the final demon. There was a flash of red Hellfire, a spray of blood and brains, and the last son of a bitch went down.

“I’m proud of our little imp,” Sia mused as she appeared beside me.

I wrapped my arm around the madame. “They grow up so fast, don’t they?” I said with a chuckle as we watched the scene unfold in front of us.

“Oh, come on.” Ira’s sub stood up, crossed her arms, and pouted. “You spoiled my fun!”

“Uh, Jakey?” Todd asked and pointed his sword at the only surviving demon. “I think that guy I kneecapped is trying to get away.”

Todd was right. Our final enemy was crawling toward the hallway, blood streaking behind him as he moved.

I walked over to the fucker and knelt down in front of him.

“Now,” I explained, “there are two ways this can go. The first is that I kill you right here and now, quickly and painlessly, or we can let you keep moving toward the exit where Ira’s dom half is waiting.”

“She’s even crazier than I am!” the sub cooed with an insane giggle. “She makes what you did to me here look like child’s play. It’s marvelous.”

“Fuck you, mortal filth,” the demon spat through his old man disguise.

“Fine.” I shrugged. “Dom half it is. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I stepped back and let the demon pass.

He weakly crawled through the threshold of the door, and I went back to join my friends.

“Yikes,” I said as I motioned to the bloody mess around us. “We really outdid ourselves this time, huh?”

“How the fuck are we gonna cover our asses this time?” Todd pondered. “Sure, Lib can mind-control all the residents and employees and make them forget about everything, but how are we gonna clean this shit up? It looks like somebody with anemia just got their first period in here.”

“That’s--That’s not the mental image I needed right now,” I gagged.

“I heard my name?” Libidine asked as she and Cupi re-entered the main hall.

“Todd was just saying how you’re gonna have to wipe the minds of all these people,” I told the succubus, “including the ones that were still in their rooms.”

“I already got all the people outside, but I can get the patients, too.” Liby nodded and then ran off to deal with our spectators.

Somewhere in the distance, I heard a blood-curdling scream of agony.

“We warned him.” Todd shrugged. “I guess he must have been a glutton for punishment.”

“No, silly!” Ira’s sub giggled. “That’s Sister Gula.”

“Ah yes, the porker,” Todd retorted.

“For the last time, Todd,” Sia rolled her eyes, “Gula isn’t obese.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” the imp scoffed. “I’ve been fooled by too many dating apps.”

Sia ignored Todd’s words. “How about we stage an accident?” she suggested. “The residents have already been evacuated, and it would explain why there appears to be a literal bloodbath in the great hall.”

“I see it on the news now--” Todd stuck up his hands and made a frame. “Explosion at local nursing home. Eyewitnesses claim one of the employees dropped her lit cigarette out of her mouth and into an oxygen tank when she saw their sexy new blond employee: A Mr. Todd, James Todd: Has the human body finally been perfected? Take one look at James Todd, and you’ll know it has.”

“Or…” I tried to get Todd back on track. “How about we just claim the boiler in the basement exploded? It would explain why there are so many burn victims.”

“Ohhhhh,” Ira’s sub moaned. “Can I be the one to blow it up? I’d relish a chance to take shrapnel and an intense fireball at point-blank range.”

“Why not?” I chuckled. “You go and blow the thing, and I’ll make sure the explosion is contained and doesn’t cause any more damage than we already have.”

“Yay!” Ira’s sub giggled as she floated up into the air.

In one quick motion, the succubus blasted a hole into the ground and flew down to the basement.

“Have you adjusted to Sister Ira yet?” Cupiditas said with a smirk. “She can be a handful sometimes.”

“She’s certainly fun enough to be around,” I admitted. “Definitely unpredictable.”

“I’m reaadddy!” the sub’s voice called out from below. “Three …  Two … One!”

Barely a moment later, the entire nursing home seemed to shake, and a massive fireball charged at me from the hole in the floor. Fortunately, I was ready. I tossed out a portal of green flames with one hand and cast a massive container of purple with the other.

The explosion traveled through the portal and directly into the large violet prison. Flames and gas danced around behind the barrier, but it was about as harmless as the now-dead demons in the room. I continued to hold my spell for a few more minutes until the flames subsided. Then, I dismissed the emerald and purple flames, sat down, and let out a huge sigh of relief.

“One more demon down,” I laughed. “We’re gonna be out of the job pretty soon if this keeps up.”

“Nonsense,” Sia scoffed. “There are hundreds of thousands of demons in this universe. I’d say we have very good job security.”

“You missed one,” the voice of Ira’s dom half said from behind us.

I turned around to see her holding the head of the escaped demon. The jaw was completely snapped off, and the demon’s tongue dangled down like the pendulum of a clock. The entire right side of the face looked like it had been melted off as well.

The dom tossed the head onto the ground in front of us.

“At least I got to have a little bit of fun too,” she mused. “I was afraid I was going to just be on guard duty the entire time.”

There was the sound of beating wings, and then the sub half of Ira reemerged from the depths below.

“What a rush,” she moaned to her other half. “We’ll have to start incorporating this kind of stuff into our sessions.”

“For sure,” the dom said with a smirk, “as long as I’m the one that gets to inflict it.”

“I’m not sure whether or not to be turned on or scared for my life,” Todd interjected.

“Why not both?” The sub giggled and retracted her wings. “That’s how I like to live my life.”

“It’s finally happened, Jakey.” The imp shook his head in disbelief. “I finally found somebody that’s crazier than moi. And here I thought it would be one of those chicks I met on the paranormal hookup sites … ”

“It’s done,” Libidine explained as she returned to the group. “I told them there’s been an accident and they need to stay in their rooms. Now, we just need to get out of here before anyone starts asking questions.”

“I suppose.” Ira’s dom half sighed.

A wave of pink Hellfire suddenly engulfed the sub and dom halves of Ira, and then the two were pulled toward each other by an unseen force. As soon as their bodies touched, they merged back into a singular figure. The recombined Ira seemed disoriented for a moment and rubbed her forehead groggily.

“How’d I do on my first good guy mission?” the succubus asked.

“We’ll talk about it in the car,” I promised the dark-haired woman. “I think it’s time to go home and recharge.”

“Nooooo,” Todd groaned. “That’s code for ‘go home and bang.’ I really need to invest in some noise-canceling headphones.”

I wrapped my arms around the four succubi, and we made our way toward the exit of the nursing home. This had been one of our more bizarre adventures, but it was still exhausting.

A little bit of rest and relaxation was exactly what we needed right now.

Chapter 3

“ … and that’s when I sliced that mother fucker’s head clean off with Jakey’s glowing sword,” Todd exaggerated. “And then, as the pièce de résistance, I whipped out a holy hand grenade, pulled the pin with my teeth, and tossed it behind us as we walked away. After I counted to three, of course. I didn’t need to look back over my shoulder either, cause I’m that kind of hero.”

“This sounds like quite the adventure,” an obviously-skeptical Oliver mused. “How was Naberius slain?”

“Ohhhh,” Todd grinned at the white-haired man, “that’s the best part. Me and Jakey--”

“Jacob and I,” Sia corrected.

“Jakey and I beat the shit out of Naberius with a rubber hose, and then my trusty sidekick hung him up and slit the fucker’s throat with a dagger,” Todd retorted.

“That last part is true,” I added.

“Aww.” Todd looked at me with empathy in his eyes. “You’re too humble, Jakey. You’re not really my sidekick, we’re partners. No homo.”

“No homo.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

“No matter the circumstances, I’m delighted to know Naberius is dead.” Oliver smiled at me happily. “With every member of the Seventy-Two Servants you kill, the closer you come to final victory over Azazel.”

“That’s a relief.” I sighed as I grabbed a beer out of the fridge. “The sooner we can put that asshole in the rear-view mirror, the better.”

We were now back at our mansion in Phoenix, the one that had formerly belonged to billionaire tech mogul and demon-in-disguise Robert Quinn. Not too long after we killed Quinn and took up residence, our new mansion was attacked by a demon and his hellhound. We killed those bastards, too, but our home took a lot of damage in the process.

Thankfully, thanks to a little bit of imp trickery, we also took over Robert Quinn’s bank accounts. It took hundreds of thousands of dollars to get our home back to its former glory, but with Quinn’s finances mixed with our newfound revenue from the Velvet Lips Gentlemen’s Club, the mansion was able to get a complete redesign.

The exterior of the mansion was mostly left alone, as its Tuscan-style siding and massive backyard fit in perfectly with the rest of the surrounding neighborhood. The only new edition to the property on the outside was a small fire pit with a seating area and the permanent installation of Todd’s favorite, the pergola.

On the inside, however, we went hog wild. What used to look like the elegant, “classy” home of an old bachelor was now adjusted to fit its younger, more modern residents. We pulled out a bunch of the walls, re-did the entire living room and kitchen, and even had the contractors re-do the bedrooms to make them feel more appropriate for someone under the age of forty. The only thing we made sure to restore in its exact original form was the dual staircase at the very front.

Nothing said “I’m rich and classy” like a dual marble staircase staring you right in the face when you enter the house.

I plunked down across from Oliver on the new black leather couch, cracked open the beer, and took a swig. It was hoppy and slightly bitter, with a faint nutty aftertaste. In other words, it was just the way I liked it.

“This is fucking great, Oliver,” I said as I wiped a dribble of foam off my chin. “Where did you get this stuff?”

“Your loyal servants made it for you, Jacob,” the white-haired man explained. “Brother Ezekiel is quite the brewer.”

“He was the one who provided the drinks for all our cult gatherings back when we were still the Cult of Azazel,” Jane added. “It’s marvelous, isn’t it?”

“It certainly is.” I took another swig of the hoppy alcohol as I admired the brunette cult leader.

Jane was wearing her typical outfit, the same navy blue robe all of my cultists wore when they were on official business. Typically the robe was meant to be loose and baggy, but that certainly wasn’t the case with Jane. The fabric clung to her massive breasts, two triple-D sized mounds that looked like they were screaming to burst out at any moment. The cult leader was just as curvy down at her waistline, where her robe squeezed to her hips as if they were made of elastic.

“A picture would last longer, you know,” Cupiditas’ voice taunted from behind.

“Did I really make it that obvious?” I turned and asked the blonde succubus.

“For a second, I thought I was going to have to walk over and manually force your tongue back into your mouth.” Cupi grinned.

“That sounds like fun,” I flirted back at the succubus.

“Jane is very pretty.” Libidine shrugged. “I can’t blame Jacob for staring.”

“Thank you, Liby,” Jane said with a sultry smile. “But Jacob is our mast--excuse me, our ‘leader.’ He can take a peek whenever he wants.”

“What about us?” Cupiditas mused as she wrapped her arm around Libidine’s shoulder. “Why don’t we ever get in on the fun?”

I felt my heart flutter in my chest at the blonde’s words, and I turned back to Jane to see her reaction.

“I--” the brunette stammered and her face grew red. “I’ve--I’ve never been with another--”

“I’m going to give you some privacy,” Oliver said with a mortified tone, and then he dashed out of the room as quick as a flash.

“He’s totally going to beat it.” Todd snickered. “I hope he has some little blue pills, or else he’s gonna have a real hard time bringing his evanescence to life.”

Sia walked over and placed her hand on Jane’s shoulder tenderly.

“It’s alright, Jane,” she whispered into the brunette’s ear. “I was skeptical my first time too, but once it was over, I wanted to go back and immediately do it again.”

“It’d totally help make Jakey get stronger and shit,” Todd called out and then shot me a wink. “You’re welcome, Maverick.”

“I--I’ll have to think about it.” Jane recomposed herself. “Besides, we’re not going to be doing it right here and now, anyway.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” Todd clicked his tongue. “I’ve seen Jakey and these thirsty demons try and get it on in the shower, in the back of a jeep, and even in the middle of the desert.”

“That one was quite the feat,” Sia reminisced.

“Jacob has come a long way since I met him, and we slept together in his bedroom.” Libidine giggled.

“You can say that again,” Todd added.

The imp paused and looked back and forth at the five of us, seemingly waiting for a laugh. His eyes were wide and his mouth stretched into a devilish smile as he gave us comical looks.

“Get it?” he implored. “Jakey has ‘come’ a long way since then?”

“Ha,” I said half-heartedly and forced my lips into a smile.

Todd looked around again, frowned, and then pretended to adjust his invisible tie. “Yesh, tough crowd,” the imp said in his best Rodney Dangerfield impression. “I thought this was supposed to be Jakey’s playboy mansion, not the local cemetery.”

The joke wasn’t that funny, but Libidine let out a slight chuckle.

“Thanks for humoring me, Lib.” Todd shot finger guns at the dark-haired succubus.

“Anything for my favorite imp.” She winked back.

Todd put his hand over his forehead like he was going to faint. “Did you hear that, Jakey?” he asked. “She said I’m her favorite. No takesies-backsies!”

“Anyway,” the visibly-shaken Jane interjected, “congratulations on your mission, Jacob. As Brother Oliver mentioned, this is just another step toward your final victory over Azazel. Soon, my former master will be weak and powerless, and that’s when you can go down to Hell and crush him like the cockroach he’s always been.”

“I’m sure Azazel is growing desperate,” Sia added. “He’s lost his four greatest warriors and the majority of his followers, and all three of his master plans have been halted in a spectacular fashion.”

Cupi nodded. “That means he’s probably scheming up Plan D as we speak.”

“Oh, I bet he’s down there thinking of a big ‘ol D, alright,” Todd sneered.

“Surely he’s got to be out of ideas?” I said as I finished off the beer and set it down on the end table. “He’s already shot his wad prematurely twice now. How many fucking ways could there be to get out of Hell?”

“If there’s a way, Azazel will find it,” Sia warned. “Jane’s right when she says he’s a cockroach. At least, he has the longevity of one.”

“The fucker has no more cult, almost no more minions, and he’s running low on succubi,” I argued. “We’ve got him right where we want him. I’m halfway tempted to just let his sorry ass rot in Hell for all of eternity, but where’s the fun in that?”

“I wouldn’t underestimate the rest of our sisters, Jacob,” Liby warned.

“Who’s even left?” I asked. “Gluttony, Sloth, and Envy? You said the four of you were his best warriors. What could they possibly have that you don’t? Besides, I’ve been able to convince Pride and Wrath to join my side. I don’t think I’ll have a problem getting those last three to join us.”

“Seriously,” Todd agreed. “Just leave out some donuts for Gluttony, some pictures of Jacob’s dick for Envy, and some leaves for the Sloth. Rig up a trap, toss ‘em under, and boom! Instant new friends.”

“For the last time,” Cupi sighed, “Sister Tris isn’t a sloth like you have here on Earth.”

“I’ll be the judge of that one.” Todd nodded defiantly.

“None of those succubi sound like they’re very dangerous,” I said with a shrug. “If we could survive Ira summoning a giant three-headed dog and gathering the Seventy-Two Servants, I think the worst is behind us.”

“Speaking of Ira,” Jane looked around the room curiously, “where is she?”

“Alas, our sweet Ira has decided to go back into the pit of shit,” Todd explained. “The place that would make even the most evil of demons blush with shame.”

“The pit of shit?” Jane questioned.

“She’s running for office,” I translated. “We decided since she is the ‘wife’ of recently-disgraced Representative Marvin Franklin, she should try to take his place in Congress. There’s a special election for his vacant seat coming up here soon.”

“Rest her soul.” Todd shook his head and did a cross pattern over his chest.

“Careful doing that.” I chuckled. “We don’t need you bursting into flames.”

“I would have thought Ira wanted to take a break from the cut-throat world of politics,” Jane sounded surprised, “especially after that elaborate scheme to get Proposition Sixty-Six passed.”

“Are you kidding?” Todd snorted. “It’s a dog-eat-dog world full of backstabbers, under-the-table deals, lies, corruption, and conspiracies. Of course, the sadistic Sister of Wrath would want to jump right back in, probably balls-deep with a strap-on!”

“Actually, that might not be too far off with Ira’s dom side,” Libidine said with a raised finger.

“Exactly,” I agreed. “If we could survive Wrath, we can survive anything.”

“Just don’t underestimate our other Sisters, Jacob,” Sia reiterated her warning. “Gula and Tris might not be the greatest warriors in the world, but they have other special talents that make them formidable foes.”

“What about Envy?” I asked curiously. “I don’t think you guys have ever really talked about her at length before.”

Sia, Liby, and Cupi all looked at each other cautiously and remained silent.

Finally, Cupi spoke up. “Sister Invidia is the ‘red-headed stepchild’ of the Circle of Sin,” the blonde explained. “She is extremely powerful, but also has a fuse like the wick of a candle.”

“She’s very unpredictable,” Sia added. “That’s why she was only let out on special occasions.”
“What do you mean ‘let out?’” I questioned.

“Sister Invidia isn’t a great warrior, but she’s by far the strongest of us all,” Sia continued. “For that, Azazel and Earl always kept her on a tight leash. She’s always been kept in a large cage directly at the center of the Fourth Circle of Hell, that way she is never out of Azazel’s sight.”

“But she’s a succubus, right?” Something didn’t add up. “Her whole job is to come to Earth and sleep with those who summon her. How does that work if she’s always kept under lock and key?”

“Like Sia said,” Liby started, “Sister Invidia was Azazel’s last resort. He would only send her to Earth Realm to satisfy those who needed convincing.”

“So she was his ‘Ace in the Hole’ to gain more powerful followers?” Todd asked.

“I think they were the ones putting things in her holes,” Sia sighed, “but yes, something like that.”

Todd fell over onto the counter and began to roll back and forth hysterically. “It’s a figure of speech, Strawberry Shortcake, but I’m totally gonna use it that way from now on.”

“So, what, she’s good at sex?” I was trying to get the gist of what the succubi were saying.

“You don’t even want to know,” Liby said. “The rest of us in the Circle of Sin refer to Invidia as the ‘Forbidden Fruit,’ because once you’ve gotten a taste of her, you don’t want anything else.”

“Another reason Azazel decided to lock her away,” Sia continued. “He didn’t want the succubi and incubi fighting over her.”

“Well damn.” I sat back on the couch and put my hands behind my head. “Now I’m intrigued.”

“Don’t fly too close to the sun there, Icarus,” Todd snorted as he wiped a tear away from his eye. “Instead of losing your wax wings, you could be risking losing your whole schlong, and once that’s gone, what’s the point of life?”

“As always, I think Invidia will be Azazel’s last resort,” Cupi said as she ignored Todd’s joke. “Especially now that he’s so weak. He’s going to hold onto his strongest succubi until we pry her from his cold, dead hands.”

“So we need to start planning for Gula or Tris then?” I confirmed.

“Both,” Sia corrected. “Gula and Tris are inseparable. If the King of the Fourth Circle sends one of them, the other will not be far behind.”

“Excellent.” I smiled at the redhead. “That just means two for the price of one.”

Oliver popped his head through the doorway, his hand over his eyes like a makeshift blindfold.

“Are you guys done yet?” he asked. “I hear a lot of talking, but no fornicating.”

“Oh, we’re just getting started,” Todd joked. “Talking about the deep lore of Hell makes us all wet and shit. It’s the only foreplay for a demon.”

“Very well,” Oliver responded with a nod. “I’ll leave you to--”

“Oliver, wait.” I stopped the white-haired cultist. “Todd’s only fucking with you.”

Oliver lowered his hand away from his face and let out a sigh of relief. Then, the elderly man walked back into the kitchen and took a seat on one of the stools at the breakfast bar.

“I overheard you talking about Azazel’s remaining succubi, and I wanted to know if I could be of any assistance,” he offered.

“I dunno,” I explained. “We know Gula and Tris are going to be the next ones we encounter, so we’re just trying to figure out how to best prepare for their powers. I’m not gonna get caught with my pants down again.”

“Yeah, like when you and Janey here first met.” Todd shuddered. “I still see that shit in my nightmares.”

“May I make a suggestion, Jacob?” Oliver asked. “Perhaps a little bit of research is in order.”

“No,” Todd crossed his arms, “nonononono. That’s the most evil word you could say. I haven’t done that shit since college.”

“If memory serves me correctly,” I chuckled, “you didn’t really do much of it there, either.”

“Nonsense,” Todd scoffed. “Urban Dictionary and I were best friends back then.”

“Don’t you mean Wikipedia?” I asked coyly.

“Nope.” Todd shook his head. “Urban Dictionary. It taught me everything I could possibly want or need to know about the world. Does anyone else in here know what a Blue Waffle is? I think not.”

“What’s a Blue Waf--” Liby began, but I cut her off with a wave of my hand.

“You do not want to know,” I said with a shudder. “Trust me. Todd got me with that one forever ago. I was halfway tempted to burn my computer afterward.”

“Nonsense,” Oliver scoffed. “We were part of the Cult of Azazel. Nothing of this mortal world could possibly shake us.”

The white-haired man pulled his small black smartphone out of his robe pocket and began to tap away at the screen curiously. He had a skeptical look on his face as he typed in his query, and then he cockily held up his hand, extended his index finger, and pushed it against the display. The second he did so, his entire demeanor changed. Oliver’s face became as white as his hair, and his smirk stretched downward into a frown. The cultist’s eyes grew wide as he slipped his hand over his mouth in shock.

Meanwhile, Todd was prone on the breakfast bar, slamming his fist into the ground repeatedly while he cackled.

“I can’t believe--” he gasped through guffaws. “I can’t believe you actually looked it up! How’s that for research, old man?”

“That’s definitely not what I expected.” Oliver sounded speechless. “I--I think I need something to drink. The stronger, the better.”

The white-haired man stood up to leave, but Jane stopped him.

“Focus, brother,” she pleaded. “What were you talking about when you said ‘research?’”

“Not that,” he muttered weakly. “Certainly not that. I was only suggesting if you really wanted to get the jump on Gula and Tris, you could always go back to the Chapel of the Trinity or another old church. Perhaps even in the Vatican itself?”

“Oooohhhh,” Liby purred. “I’ve always wanted to see what that place looks like! We demons weren’t allowed in for obvious reasons.”

“We could go church hopping through Europe!” Cupiditas jumped up and down happily. “Think about it, Jacob. We could hang out in France, Italy--”

“Amsterdam, bro,” Todd added. “The Toddster could finally take Amsterdam!”

“I don’t think the world is ready for that,” I said as I shook my head at the thought, “but I’m loving the idea. Who’s ready for an adventure across the pond?”

Cupi, Liby, Jane, and Todd all raised their hands and chattered happily.

“Great!” I grinned at my friends and stood up from the couch. “Let’s go find Ira, and--”

“Hold on, Jacob.” Sia interrupted. “Have you checked our finances lately?”

I frowned at the redhead. This probably wasn’t going to be good news.

“Uh … no,” I murmured. “I thought that was your job.”

“It is,” Sia confirmed. “I am quite familiar with our finances. Now, let me ask you a question--”

“Oh, this definitely isn’t good, bro,” Todd whispered.

“In the last year,” Sia started, “we’ve purchased a new vehicle, completely renovated the Quinn Mansion, bought a passenger bus to transport your followers, fixed up the Velvet Lips, and, on top of it all, we had to foot a sixty-thousand dollar Uber bill your cultists racked up traveling cross-country to Washington, D.C.”

“And we still have a bunch more?” I asked playfully.

“Oh, and we completely rebuilt Elmer and Betty’s house,” the redhead mused. “I almost forgot about that.”

“It was the least we could do for destroying it.” I shrugged.

“I agree, but that’s beside the point,” the succubus continued. “Now, with all of those expenses on the table, on top of the standard operating costs for the strip club, do you think we can afford a trip to Europe?”

“Is that rhetorical?” Todd asked hopefully.

“Plane tickets alone would be through the roof, and that’s just if a few of us went,” the madame continued. “Unfortunately, any research endeavors will need to be done locally until we have time to build up our revenue stream.”

“Have we really blown through Quinn’s accounts that quickly?” I’m sure I couldn’t hide the shock in my voice.

“There is still a significant amount … ” Sia began to clarify.

“Yes!” Todd exclaimed. “Red Light District, here I come!”

“... but there’s nowhere near enough for an all-expenses-paid trip across the world,” the redhead finished.

“Damn it.” The imp hung his head in disappointment.

“What can we afford?” I asked as I tried to gauge what kind of shape we were in. “Could we go back out East to the Chapel of the Trinity? There were a lot of books out there we never got to check out.”

Sia sighed. “While you could technically afford to go out there, I wouldn’t recommend it.”

“What about the paranormal convention downtown?” Oliver chimed in. “Apparently this is one of the big ones. There are going to be scholars from all around the world there, all with their own ideas and theories about the occult.”

“Yeeeeessss,” Todd agreed. “That’d be perfect, bro. We could go there and rub it in the faces of those bookworms that we know more about the occult than they ever did. Plus, the chicks who go to these things are like, super smokin’ and normally in skimpy clothing, and if you can bring one of them back home with you? Buckle in, bro, because you’ll be in for a wild ride.”

“You sound like you have experience in these things,” I joked.

“Of course I do,” Todd retorted. “Where do you think I found out about the book that summoned Liby and Cupi here in the first place?”

“Wait, back up.” I held up my hands for clarification. “You can actually get valid information at these places? I thought they were all just full of quacks looking for a quick buck.”

“You disappoint me, bro.” Todd clicked his tongue.

“Paranormal conventions are actually really important to demons,” Cupiditas explained. “It’s one of the few times we can walk amongst those of Earth Realm without needing to hide.”

“That and Halloween,” Liby added.

“Well, fuck me … ” I said in disbelief. “I think I owe you an apology, bro.”

“Get in line, broski.” Todd shrugged. “You should know by now the Toddster lives his life by the HALF system. High, anti-conformist, loyal, and fuckable.”

“If only we could all be so blessed,” Oliver half-joked.

I turned back to Sia. “So what about it?” I asked our financial planner. “Do we have enough in our account to go downtown and explore the paranormal convention?”

Sia rolled her eyes playfully and then patted me on the small of my back.

“I suppose so,” she cooed into my ear. “Just make sure Todd stays away from the ‘ancient books’ section.”

“A joke from Strawberry Shortcake?” Todd mused. “I mean, I know I’m stoned, but I didn’t think I was that bad yet.”

“Only a partial joke,” Sia said with a knowing grin,“but seriously, go have some fun.”

“Aren’t you coming along?” I looked into Sia’s large violet eyes. “Our missions aren’t the same when you’re not there.”

“As much fun as spending the day in a hot convention hall filled with sweaty people and egotistical demons sounds, I think I may sit out this one.” The madame nodded. “We’re currently having some issues at the Velvet Lips, and those need to be addressed ASAP if we wish to become profitable and fund another big adventure.”

“Are you sure, Superbia?” Liby asked sadly.

“It’s only one mission, Libidine,” the redhead reassured her. “You guys did fine with Jacob before me, and I’m sure you’ll do fine without me present. Besides, Ira will have your back.”

“Oh joy,” Cupiditas muttered. “I hope the carpets in the convention center are red because they sure as fuck will be when she’s done there.”

Sia walked over to Cupi and put her tiny arms around the blonde’s neck. “Now, Cupiditas,” the madame smiled, “play nice. I know you and Ira were always rivals back in the Circle of Sin, but we have a new master now. There’s no need for petty squabbling.”

“Yes, Sister Superbia.” Cupi sighed. “I’ll treat her well, I promise.”

“Good.” Sia smiled at the blonde as she pulled away.

The madame walked over to Liby and patted her on the shoulder. “You too, Liby,” she joked. “Keep them all in line while I’m away.”

“I will, Sister,” Libidine assured.

There was a ding, and Sia pulled a phone out of her pocket.

“Ah,” she exclaimed. “My ride’s here. Good luck, my friends.”

“Your ride?” I asked as Sia headed toward the door.

She looked back over her shoulder and gave me a wink. “Uber.” She grinned.

“Okay, that’s two jokes in the last few minutes.” Todd rubbed his head. “What kinda shit did I smoke?”

Sia gave us all a farewell wave, and then she opened up the massive front door and stepped through its threshold.

“I think Sia got the raw deal here,” I admitted to my friends. “We get to go off and have a good time at this convention, and she gets to go manage a club.”

“Superbia got exactly what she wanted,” Cupi explained. “She enjoys that kind of stuff. There was a reason she was our madame down in Hell, remember?”

“And they call Ira the sadist,” Todd whispered. “Yeesh.”

“Speaking of our sister,” Libidine interjected, “shall we go find Ira?”

“Nah,” I said with a wave of my hand. “She’s busy doing campaign stuff. We can tell the both of them everything we learned, anyway.”

“Well then,” Oliver exclaimed as he hopped back to his feet, “what are we waiting for? Let’s get to the convention, there are so many new things I want to learn!”

“Neeeeeeerrrrrrrdddddd,” Todd mocked the man with the white hair as Oliver dashed toward the door.

“You wanted to come too, Todd.” Cupi snickered. “It was partially your idea.”

“I’m just going for the chicks,” the imp argued.

“Sure thing, bro,” I said as I rolled my eyes, “sure thing.”

Jane, the succubi, and I followed Oliver and Todd out to the front of the house, and seconds later, the six of us were cozily inside our trusty Jeep Wrangler.

“We really need to get an upgrade, bro,” Todd pointed out. “There’s barely enough room for all of us here.”

“Maybe once Sia gets our strip club up and running,” I mused, “but for now, we’ve got a paranormal convention to hit up.”

I twisted the key, put Shadow into gear, and we were on our way.

Chapter 4

It wasn’t a far drive from the mansion to downtown Phoenix, and it made for a peaceful trip. Parking in the Southwest’s concrete jungle, on the other hand, was terrible, and the ridiculous demands of my friends certainly didn’t help.

“You know the rule, Jakey,” Todd reminded me. “If it’s not within three blockin’s, the Toddster’s not a-walkin’.”

“I second that notion,” Oliver spoke up. “I may look young for my age, but I’m still hundreds of years old. The closer we get, the better.”

“Also, no parking meters,” Todd added.

“No parking meters?” I questioned. “Why on Earth--”

“I had a bad experience with a meter maid I picked up at a bar back in Albuquerque,” the imp spouted with crossed arms. “I refuse to give her any more of my money.”

“Todd, you realize the money actually doesn’t--”

“Don’t care.” Todd shook his head. “I’m not giving money to any industry that produces soulless banshees like that.”

“Banshees aren’t actually soulless,” Libidine interjected. “They’re literally spirits themselves.”

“Geez, Todd,” Cupi joked, “I hope you don’t embarrass us like that in front of all the paranormal nerds in there.”

“I would never do anything to embarrass you, my bodacious blonde,” Todd promised and then took a drag off his joint. “On purpose, at least.”

Thankfully, there was a parking garage right up ahead. As soon as I was close enough to see the sign read “open,” I swerved between the bollards and drove up into the structure. There was a spot just near the entrance of the second floor, so I pulled Shadow into place, killed the ignition, and slid out of the car.

“You really have a knack for fitting things into tight places,” Cupiditas purred from the backseat.

“He really does,” Liby agreed and then slid out of the Jeep.

“I feel like I’m the only one who isn’t in on this joke,” Oliver said with confusion.

“Bro.” Todd sighed before he stood up on the leather seat, turned to the cultists, and then extended his right index finger. Then he made a circle with his left hand and started sliding his finger back and forth inside of it.

“Get my drift?” he asked the white-haired man.

“Oh, of course!” Oliver chuckled. “I just didn’t think that applied to succubi.”

“What are you suggesting?” Cupi hissed angrily.

Oliver’s eyes grew wide at the blonde’s sudden turn, and he stumbled over his words. “I only thought a-a succubus might not be as, uh--compressed, you know?”

“You need to get out more, Crocs-and-socks.” Todd patted the cultist comfortingly. “Now, if you’ll excuse me … Optimus Todd, transform!”

The imp closed his eyes, and then his red skin began to bubble. Slowly and comically, his arms and legs started to elongate as they turned a peachy color. Next, familiar blond locks began to protrude out of Todd’s head like sprouting grass, and within seconds they were at shoulder-length. Finally, his face and upper torso stretched and widened into a human form.

“What the fuck?” Oliver demanded in horror.

“Oh, I forgot,” I said as I held back a laugh. “You’ve never met the original Toddster. Human Todd, meet Oliver. Oliver, meet human Todd.”

“My God,” the white-haired man muttered. “Has he been human this whole time?”

The Toddster stroked his goatee. “That’s a loaded question,” he pondered aloud. “Are any of us really ‘human?’”

“It’s a long story,” Cupiditas explained and opened her door.

The six of us stepped out of the Jeep and made our way down to the ground level of the parking garage.

“You know,” Jane mused as our group approached the Phoenix Convention Center, “I’ve lived in Arizona all my life, and I’ve never once been here.”

“You didn’t come downtown much?” I asked. “It shouldn’t surprise me. You strike me as more of a ‘country girl’ anyway or at least, as ‘country’ as you can get out here in the Southwest.”

The brunette just smiled. “Too busy with cult business,” she corrected. “I never had time to make it downtown unless it was required for a mission.”

“Jane has been a loyal member of our organization her entire adult life,” Oliver explained.

“It’s true,” the green-eyed beauty admitted. “When I finally left my parents’ house, I came straight to the headquarters on the outskirts of town to live. The Cult of Azazel, and now the Cult of Ralston, has been the only family I’ve had for years.”

“Uh … how old were you when all this went down?” I questioned, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer.

“She was eighteen, of course,” Oliver scoffed. “We may have been working for one of the vilest Demon Kings in existence, but we weren’t that evil.”

“Perv alert,” Todd whispered into my ear. “Hide the Cialis, bro.”

“What was that, Masterson?” Oliver grumbled.

“Oh, nothing,” the imp promised. “I was just telling Jacob how excited I am to be at this convention with my bestest friends in the whole world.”

“Mhmm.” The white-haired man nodded, entirely unconvinced. “No matter, it appears we’ll be in the bowels of the building shortly.”

“We really gotta work on your social skills,” I mused to the cultist. “People really don’t talk like that. Did Azazel ever have you interact with other humans? Like, ever?”

Oliver and Jane both looked at each other and shrugged.

“Only when we were required to,” Jane retorted. “Other than that we just talked to each other. Usually about cult business.”

“I thought most cultists had day jobs?” Libidine questioned. “Robert Quinn, Anton Blum, and Marvin Franklin certainly did.”

“They weren’t in charge of leading the entire organization,” Oliver answered. “That’s a full-time job in and of itself.”

“What about you, Jane?” Cupi addressed the brunette. “You didn’t take over as a liaison until we defeated Azazel in San Francisco.”

“I was what demons would call a ‘maid-servant.’” Jane sighed. “I stayed at the headquarters with the rest of the servants, doing odd jobs for Azazel whenever they were needed. In return, my former master provided us with food and shelter.”

“So, a slave?” I growled and tightened my fist. “That fucker had you as his slave.”

Oliver must have sensed my anger because he placed his hand on my shoulder kindly. “That is why it is so liberating to follow you, Jacob,” he said with a smile. “You have disposed of the old ways and brought our organization into a new era of progress and prosperity. All hail Jacob Ralston!”

“All hail Jacob Ralston!” Jane, Todd, Cupi, and Liby replied in unison.

I felt my rage begin to calm when I saw the gesture of support from my friends. Oliver was right, I was in charge now, and I was making sure I scraped every slimy speck of Azazel’s influence off my cult.

Finally, we reached the entrance to the convention center. The building stretched out over our heads, with three slanted facades on each side that were completely covered with glass windows. In between each of the transparent facades was a structural pillar made of orangish-tan brick. At the very top of it all was a set of chrome metal bars that fanned out into a makeshift awning, assumedly for hanging large banners. Just behind us, the design was mirrored.

“There it is.” Todd pointed to the middle entrance on the left. “Hall C.”

I jogged over to the main door, opened it, and motioned for my friends to pass through.

“Such a gentleman,” Liby purred as she passed by.

“I do my best,” I reassured the succubus jokingly and then stepped inside.

My footsteps seemed to echo off the tile on the floor, and then became muffled as I stepped onto the gray carpet.

“This place is fucking nice, bro,” Todd whistled and looked around. “Get me a couch, a TV, a weed supplier, some snacks, and I don’t think I’d ever leave. Think of all the cool shit you could do when all the employees leave for the night!”

I didn’t even have time to process the imp’s words. I was too busy taking in all the stimuli of the sprawling center.

Hundreds of people were passing through the main hallway, chattering and laughing to their friends as they walked. There must have been another conference or convention going on down the way because several of these passersby were in formal business attire.

It didn’t exactly scream “paranormal convention.”

“I feel somewhat underdressed,” Jane scoffed as she looked down at her robes. “I thought this was a casual event?”

“It totally is.” Todd stroked his chin as he looked around. “Trust me, at the last one of these I came to, there was a guy wearing a literal potato sack with tin foil on his head. I shit you not.”

“There!” Libidine exclaimed and pointed to a young couple passing through.

These people were definitely not in formal attire. The man wore a black T-shirt with the iconic picture of a UFO flying over a forest with the words “I believe” printed below. His girlfriend was dressed in a flowing, flowery dress so big it could have been a sheet, and she also wore a bright red headband across her head.

“Those are definitely my people.” Todd nodded. “Follow those paranormaphiles!”

My friends and I tailed the couple down the massive hallway for a few minutes, until they finally stopped in front of one of the exhibit hall entrances. There was a man in large-brimmed glasses sitting at a table in front of the doors. To his right sat a cash register, and on his left laid a heap of what appeared to be passes.

The couple handed him a few bills, and the man responded by handing them two of the passes.

This must have been the place.

Todd stuck up a hand valiantly. “Let me do the talking. We paranormies speak each other’s language.”

The blond imp in disguise sauntered up to the man and placed both of his hands palms-down on the table.

“Hello, my good sir,” Todd said jubilantly. “Can me and my hombres get some passes?”

“Whattya got there, six?” The man in the glasses punched some numbers into the mechanical register, and the machine responded with a ding. “That’ll be two-hundred and forty dollars.”

Todd let out a sound that could only be described as a balloon deflating. He shook his long blond locks back and forth, chuckled, and then turned around to face us again.

“Hey, uh, Jakey?” he grimaced. “I think I’m gonna need you on this one after all.”

I fumbled around in my pocket as I approached the table. I pulled out a small pile of twenties, plopped them down on the table, and then counted out two-hundred forty.

“There ya go,” I said as I slid the bills across the table. “Exact change and everything.”

The man in the glasses looked dumbfounded. He looked back and forth between me and the bills for a second, and then he recomposed himself, opened up the register, and slid the bills in.

“I apologize.” He shook his head back and forth. “I’ve never had anyone pay that much in bills before. Here you go, six all-access passes.”

I picked up six of the purple lanyards and wrapped it around my neck.

“We get necklaces?” Libidine said excitedly as she and the rest of my friends grabbed their own passes.

“Those are way better than a necklace,” the man explained. “Those things give you access to any and all special sessions. The Q and As, the documentary screenings, the hands-on gear tests, all of it!”

“Sia would shoot me if she knew we just spent two-hundred and forty dollars to get into this place,” I whispered to Jane.

“What the succubus doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” The brunette shrugged. “Besides, I have faith Superbia will turn the Velvet Lips around. You’ll be a self-made millionaire in no time.”

“I hope so,” I said and made my way through the threshold of the exhibit hall.

On the other side of the door, there was quite the scene. This was one of the smaller rooms in the building, but I estimated it was still nearly the size of two football fields. Booths were set up all around the perimeter of the hall, and in the center sat a makeshift bazaar bustling with people from all different walks of life. Against the furthest wall sat a huge stage, complete with a twenty-foot television screen and theatrical lights.

It certainly was a modest event, but it was far from the shitshow I expected it to be.

“Brooooo,” Todd jumped up and down with excitement and pointed to a line of people, “do you know who that is over there?”

“Should I?” I asked as I squinted to see what the imp was pointing at.

“You put me to shame, bro.” Todd sighed. “That’s Nathan Emmerson, the UFOlogist who got famous doing all those ‘aliens through history’ shows.”

“Never heard of him,” I admitted.

“That’s irrelevant.” Todd waved his hand dismissively. “I’m gonna go get his autograph. Can I borrow, like, forty bucks?”

“He charges forty dollars for an autograph?” I couldn’t believe my ears. “Patrick Stewart only charges seventy, and he’s a waaay bigger star than that dude.”

“Maybe in your eyes,” the imp in disguise scoffed, “but to me, Picard can’t even hold a candle to this legend.”

“Still, forty dollars?” I said with a raised eyebrow.

“Fine.” Todd sighed. “What about twenty? I’m pretty sure that’s all he charges for a picture.”

I pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and outstretched it in my hand. Before I even finished my motion, Todd snatched the bill out of my grasp and was running toward the alien guy.

“You’re the best, Jakey!” he exclaimed as he hopped into the back of the line.

“Alright, guys,” I said as I distributed twenties to each member of the group. “While Todd’s waiting for that, we need to spread out and cover all the ground we can. Remember, we’re looking for any info that might give us a leg up on Azazel and his remaining succubi.”

“Got it,” Oliver confirmed. “I’m going to hit up the fortune tellers and psychics.”

“I reeaallly want to check out the clothes.” Libidine giggled. “That dress the woman outside was wearing actually looked quite comfy. What did Todd call it? The ‘hippie’ style?”

“You’ll find a lot of that kind of stuff here,” I said as I nodded toward the makeshift bazaar.

Now that we were closer to the merchants, my nostrils were being assaulted by a mixture of candles, essential oils, and incense. There was no doubt in my mind Libidine was going to find some “flower power” clothing somewhere.

“If it doesn’t make a difference, I’d like to just stay with you, Jacob,” Jane said through pursed lips.

“I would, as well,” Cupi added. “We should probably hit up the books and see if there is anything about the occult that’s rare or notable.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I agreed and then outstretched my hand. “Cult of Ralston on three?”

Oliver, Jane, and the succubi all put their hands on top of mine.
“One, two, three,” I counted.

“Cult of Ralston!” the five of us said together as we tossed our hands into the air.

Oliver and Liby went off in opposite directions, and Cupi and Jane followed me toward the book section.

“Did I just miss a huddle?” Todd’s annoyed voice called out his place in the line. “You gotta warn me when you do that shit, bro!”

“You can be in on the next one,” I promised the imp as the three of us passed him by.

As we split up, I marveled at how large this convention really was. This was the epicenter of occult fanatics in the Southwest United States, with some of the world’s biggest fortune tellers, demonologists, UFO experts, and the like in attendance.

If there was anything that could help us bring down Azazel once and for all, this would probably be the right place to find it.

Chapter 5

There were occult and paranormal books scattered at booths all throughout the conference, but the majority of the literature vendors were clumped dead-center in the middle of the exhibit hall.

“Check this one out,” Jane implored as she picked up one of the newer-looking books. “It’s called Demons, Angels, and The Afterlife. It looks interesting.”

“Let me see that,” Cupiditas demanded and then snatched the book before Jane could respond.

The blonde succubus sifted through the book, and her face contorted into a different look of skepticism with each turn of the page. Eventually, Cupi slammed the book shut, laughed, and shook her head.

“The things you humans come up with,” she said dismissively as she put the title back on its shelf. “We must be careful. It’s much more dangerous to have the wrong information on this stuff than it is to have no info at all.”

That’s when I saw it.

“No … ” I said to myself as I reached for the book. “It can’t be.”

“What is it, Jacob?” Jane asked curiously.

The title that caught my eye looked like any other paranormal memoir, with its warm color scheme and “creepy” cover font. What separated this book from the rest was the name of the author. John Zeitmann. The room service attendant from the Excalibur. His smiling face and name were right there on the cover.

“Remember this guy?” I asked Cupiditas as I held up the novel.

It took the blonde succubus a minute, but then she burst out laughing.

“Ah, yes,” she mused. “The guy from Vegas. He’s really milking that one encounter for all its worth, isn’t he?”

“I can’t say I blame him,” I admitted. “If I wasn’t worried about the safety of you guys and my family, I totally would be doing interviews and memoirs and all that. It’s an easy buck.”

“Unfortunately, it’s not very helpful to our situation.” Cupi sighed. “We already know everything that happened at the Excalibur. We lived it.”

We continued to scan the books in the massive booth for at least an hour, but nothing was really jumping out at us. Finally, Jane pointed to something in one of the piles.

“What about this one?” Jane grumbled as she picked up a much thinner volume. “The Lesser Key of Solomon. That’s a classic, right?”

“You’re damn right it is!” I said with a grin.

I examined the leatherbound copy of our most-discussed book and realized it had seen better days.

“It looks old,” Cupi observed. “What’s the date on it?”

Jane flipped through the first few pages as she tried to find any clue as to when the edition was published.

“Aha!” the brunette exclaimed and slapped her finger down on the page. “Right here.”

Cupi and I went over to the cultist’s side to get a better view. There, on the page, was a handwritten note dated 1879.

“What does it say?” Jane implored. “I think it might be Latin, but I’m not sure.”

“It’s definitely Latin,” I said as I leaned in closer. “I’m a little bit rusty, but it looks like it says something along the lines of ‘the truth will be revealed to the magician who holds the emerald.’ At least, that’s the closest I’m gonna be able to come to an accurate translation. What the fuck does that mean?”

The three of us thought for a second, and then Cupi’s eyes lit up.

“Jacob, I think ‘the emerald’ is talking about telekinetic Hellfire,” the blonde whispered excitedly. “If you light the book up with your magic, it might just reveal a hidden message.”

“Light the book up with Hellfire?” I chuckled. “Right here?”

“Non-magical mortals can’t see the green, remember?” Jane argued. “Everybody here will be none the wiser.”

I looked around to make sure nobody was watching. “This is insane, but I’ll give it a shot.”

I closed my eyes and thought about the reason we were here. Even though we’d experienced the sweet taste of victory three times, that fucker Azazel was relentless. He was going to keep sending his cronies after us until one of us ended up dead.

That sure as fuck wasn’t going to be me.

Cupi let out a muffled squeal of glee.

“That’s it!” Jane encouraged.

I opened my eyes and saw the entire Key of Solomon was encased with jade Hellfire.

The ink on the pages suddenly began to flow together. It pooled into the center of the page like a whirlpool and swirled in a glowing counter-clockwise pattern. Then, droplets of glowing green ink spread out across the parchment and created a brand-new text, all in Latin.

I recognized some of these words.

“Holy shit,” I murmured. “These are fucking Angelic spells.”

“That’s … that’s impossible.” Cupi shook her head. “No angel has ever revealed their magic to a mortal. It is punishable by death.”

“Well, it’s staring at me right in the face,” I argued. “So somebody in the Army of the Divine must have--”

“Ah, the Lesser Key of Solomon,” a man’s voice mused from behind. “An oldie, but a goodie!”

I slammed the book shut and spun around to greet our eavesdropper.

He was an older gentleman with a button-up black shirt that matched his graying black hair and small peppered goatee. The man’s skin was unbelievably tan, and he had a certain glimmer of charm in his blue eyes.

“I’m sorry, son.” He held out his hands defensively. “I didn’t mean to startle you. My name’s Jackson. I’m the owner of this booth here.”

I shook off my initial shock and then shook Jackson’s hand.

“Nice to meet you,” I said with a polite nod. “You own all of these books?”

“Sure do!” He grinned. “Much to the disdain of my wife, I’ve gotten quite the collection over the years. That’s why I’m selling so many of them.”

“It looks like you have a lot of old books,” Cupi added. “How on Earth did you find some of these?”

The man put a finger over his mouth and made a shushing sound. “A good collector never reveals his secrets to a competitor,” he explained playfully.

“And what makes you think we’re competitors?” I asked cautiously.

“Well, you’re holding an 1879 edition of the Lesser Key of Solomon, for starters,” he pointed out. “That book is ridiculously easy to find. Hell, you can get a brand new copy for less than ten bucks online! No, no … you guys are interested in that edition right there because you appreciate its true value, just like me.”

“We’re definitely interested,” I agreed. “How much are you asking for it?”

“Tell you what, son,” the old man pondered as he stared at the floor. “Normally, I’d be asking for two-hundred. But, because I like you and your friends here, I’ll part with it for fifty.”

My mouth fell agape. “Seriously?” I gasped.

“Why not?” Jackson shrugged. “The convention’s been going on for days now, and you’re the first person to even touch the damn thing. I’d much rather it end up with somebody who appreciates it than in a donation bin somewhere.”

I quickly fumbled around in my pocket, pulled out three twenties, and placed them in Jackson’s hand.

“Let me go get your change--”

“Not necessary,” I said with a wave of my hand. “Keep the change. It’s the least I can do for you after you cut me such a great deal.”

“I appreciate it, son.” Jackson nodded. “Do you need a bag for that?”

“I don’t think it’ll be necessary,” I reassured the man, “but thank you anyway.”

“You take care now, you hear?” Jackson shot us one last grin and then turned and walked back to the check-out area of the booth.

“What a sweet old man,” Jane gushed as we left the book area.

“Get used to it,” Cupi explained. “People of Earth Realm are very kind when Jacob is around.”

“What can I say?” I shrugged. “I have a way with people. Now, we should probably--”

“Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention on the main stage, please?” a timid voice came over the loudspeakers. “We’re about to begin a very special question and answer session over a topic you’ll all be drooling over … first-hand demon encounters.”

The three of us looked at each other cautiously. We didn’t even need to say anything. We all wanted to see what this guy was talking about.

Cupi, Jane, and I made our way over to the mainstage area of the exhibit hall as quickly as we possibly could. There was already an enormous crowd gathered around the stage when we arrived, making it standing room only. The girls and I stood at the very back of the assembly and waited patiently to see what was going to happen next.

On the stage stood a scrawny man in a yellow dress shirt and khaki pants. He was nervously pacing the stage with a microphone in his hand, and he paused every so often to readjust his tucked-in shirt.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the man started, “for this Q&A session, we have two very special guests. These sisters claim to not only have encountered a demon but worked for him!”

“You’ve got to be shitting me.” Cupiditas sighed and buried her face in her hand.

“Please welcome Tristina and Gina Sullivan!” the man pointed to the edge of the stage and walked out of frame.

The crowd erupted into cheers as two women stepped out in front of the crowd with gracious waves.

The first one, “Tristina,” was very tall and slender, with brown hair and pointed features. She was wearing a very tight white dress that left little to the imagination. Her perky nipples were visible through the thin fabric of the dress, and her sexy legs were exposed all the way up to her inner thigh.

The second woman, “Gina,” was a curvy redhead. Her clothes were less fancy than the first woman’s, as they consisted of a simple green button-down shirt and black skirt. The buttons near the woman’s chest looked like they were going to explode off the garment at any minute thanks to her massive breasts.

Both of the woman approached their microphones as they continued playing the crowd.

“Is that who I think it is?” I asked Cupi.

The blonde succubus looked up from her facepalm and nodded. “That would be Gula and Tris.”

“Hellllloooo Phoenix!” Gula spoke into her mic. “Let’s hear you make some noise!”

The crowd erupted again in response to the succubus’ words.

She stood tall on the stage, soaking in the roar of her adoring fans as if they were the warm rays of the sun. Finally, she picked up the portable microphone and sat down next to Tris on the provided chairs.

“So, let’s open this Q&A up with a little bit of background information,” the man in yellow said as he sauntered back onto the stage. “You girls claim that, for the last few years, you’ve been working for a demon?”

“That is correct,” Tris confirmed.

“But not just any demon,” Gula added. “Azazel, the King of the Fourth Circle and the Father of Warfare.”

Hushed murmurs spread like wildfire through the crowd.

“Alright, you heard it here first.” The MC chuckled. “These two beauties are representing one of Satan’s finest himself. Now, we’re going to open it up to the audience for questions.”

“What the fuck are they doing?” I asked Cupi. “This has to be breaking nearly all the universal laws in the book.”

The succubus just shook her head. “Azazel doesn’t care about those any more,” she said with a grave tone. “After the Porta ad Inferos, he’s desperate, and all-out war between Heaven and Hell has broken loose. Silly little pieces of paper don’t mean anything anymore.”

“I have a question for Gina,” a random woman from the crowd stood up. “There have been rumors for years that a cult of demon worshipers resides right here in Phoenix. My question is does this cult exist? And if so, what is your involvement?”

“I’m glad you asked that.” Gula smiled. “Yes, there was a Cult of Azazel at one point in time, but it has been hijacked.”

“Hijacked?” the woman in the crowd retorted.

“Oh no,” I groaned. “I don’t like where this is headed.”

“Yes, hijacked,” Tris added, “by a man who thinks he’s better than Azazel, the demon who literally taught humans all they know about magic and warfare. He’s got a screw loose if you ask me.”

The crowd laughed at Tris’ joke, and it took everything in my power not to respond.

“But, here’s the thing about the Cult of Ralston, yes, that’s what they’re calling themselves,” the redhead continued. “He makes his followers do all his dirty work. He’s got them running all over the country, fighting his battles for him, and putting their own lives on the line for his own selfish reasons. And what is their leader doing while his followers are out there risking life and limb? He’s fooling around with not one, not two, but four different women!”

There were a few boos in the crowd.

“That’s just not true,” Jane growled under her breath. The brunette started to walk in the direction of the stage, but I stopped her and shook my head.

“Which brings us to the real reason we’re here,” Gula admitted. “We want to spread the word about Azazel!”

“Worst Mormons ever,” I mumbled.

“A few hours from now, right across the Nevada state line, we’re going to throw a banging party in honor of our master,” Tris chimed in. “Whether you believe in demons and angels or just want to have a good time, we hope to see you there. Bring your friends, all are welcome!”

The crowd erupted into excited cheers and hollers.

“And one more thing,” Gula spoke again. “You may be wondering why we’re hosting it all the way in Nevada. Well, we can’t say why, exactly, but I can give you a hint.”

The brunette succubus put her thumb and forefinger together as if she was holding a joint and then pretended to smoke it. The implication was obvious, and the crowd ate it up as they went wild with their cheers.

Tris and Gula stood up and waved to their adoring fans. After soaking up the praise for a few moments, they gave each other a hug and then began to walk off the stage.

“Oh, girls,” the man in the yellow stopped the succubi in their tracks, “it looks like there’s one more question. Go ahead, ma’am.”

The crowd quieted down, and a beautiful woman with a dark complexion stepped forward.

“So, I have a question for both of you,” she nearly purred into the mic.

I didn’t know who this woman was, but her sultry voice was sexy as hell.

“Go ahead, friend,” Gula nodded.

“So, my question is how does it feel?” the woman asked coyly.

“How does what feel?” Gula sounded confused. “I don’t think I understand your question.”

“How does it feel to be a traitor to the cause?” the mystery woman hissed.

“Traitor to the … ?” the brunette succubus started.

Before she could finish, a sharp, circular projectile shot through the air directly at the unsuspecting Gula, and the succubus’ eyes widened in terror as she cringed and prepared for death.

Luckily for these two, I wasn’t a total heartless bastard.

I tossed out a blast of green Hellfire and caught the blade a millisecond before it would have severed the succubus’ head.

Tris ran over to her sister and hustled her off the stage while mass chaos erupted across the exhibit hall. Innocent bystanders were fleeing toward the exits, knocking over vendor’s booths and nearly trampling each other as they did so. The air was filled with the terrified screams of the clueless mortals.

But there was one figure that stood their ground, the mystery woman with the sexy voice. The black-haired assailant slowly turned around and pointed in our direction.

“You!” she bellowed. “You have just denied a Rakshasi of her prey! For that, you will pay the ultimate price.” The woman threw out her hands, and her fingernails elongated and sharpened into what looked to be massive tiger-like claws.

“My name is Aruna,” she growled. “Get to know this name well, mortal, for it is the last one you will ever know.”

Chapter 6

“Aruna?” I snarked back at the assassin. “That’s a pretty name. How’d they get such a beautiful woman like you to be a cold-blooded killer?”

“My quarrel is not with you, mortal,” Aruna hissed. “Stand aside right now, or I’ll rip you limb from limb before I slaughter those succubi.”

“You know,” I joked, “you’re not really in a position to be making threats.”

I pulled my fist back toward my chest, and Aruna’s circular blade followed my emerald spell. The deadly disk spun through the air, guided by my Hellfire, and headed directly for the assassin.

Aruna simply grinned and leapt up into the air. Her body twisted as her right hand lashed out and snatched up the weapon as it passed her by. The dark-haired assassin continued to spin until she landed with feline grace on her feet.

“Okay, that was pretty badass,” Cupi muttered.

Then Aruna stuck out her hand, and a black ectoplasm-like substance began to spray in our direction. Cupi tucked and rolled out of the way of the attack. At the same time, I tossed up a shield of violet to protect Jane and myself.

The black slime hit my shield with a disgusting plop, not unlike the sound a wet rag makes when tossed on a tile floor. Instead of bouncing off the violet wall of fire, the substance oozed down to the floor and piled up until it was overflowing around the edges.

I tried to make my barrier wider, but it wouldn’t budge.

“Uh, Cupi?” I called over to the succubus with concern. “I’m having some technical difficulties with my Hellfire over here.”

“It’s ectoplasmic magic,” the blonde responded from behind. “It has a different type of makeup than our Hellfire powers.”

“That’s all Greek to me, Cupi!” I exclaimed.

“Her power is derived from spiritual energy,” the succubus continued as she rushed past my left. “It’s energy in its purest form that comes directly from the human spirit, unlike the powers of Hellfire and Divinity.”

“That still doesn’t--” I grimaced as I pushed back against Aruna’s spell.

“The tainted powers of the demonic can’t penetrate it!” Cupi called back as she approached the assassin.

The substance continued to run over and touched our feet. The second it covered our shoes, the magical assault seemed to stop, and the next thing I knew, I heard a loud smack before Cupi’s body tumbled across the floor of the exhibit hall.

“Cupi!” I released my protective spell, and the ectoplasm remained in the same abstract shape it had been forming over my shield. I tried to turn and run to the knocked-down succubus, but the black substance was sticking us to the ground like the gnarliest bubble-gum I’d ever seen.

Jane and I weren’t going anywhere for the moment.

“Crafty,” I mused as I removed the goat-headed dagger from my belt. “Very crafty.”

I enchanted the blade with a wave of red Hellfire, and with a quick swing, I sliced open the ectoplasm and freed us from its clutches. The Hellfire didn’t burn the black goo at all, but thankfully my dagger was wicked sharp. Then Jane and I ran toward the fallen succubus, who was just pulling herself to her feet.

“I’ll be fine” Cupi gasped through shallow breaths and pointed behind us. “The Rakshasi is getting away!”

I halted my momentum and turned back toward the main entrance.

Aruna had used the distraction to try to make her escape. Across the massive room, the assassin’s slender figure dashed through the large double-doors and out into the hallway.

“Cupi, go round up the others,” I commanded. “Jane, come with me. We’ve got to stop Aruna before she can catch up with the other succubi.”

The brunette nodded, and then we took off after the assassin. By the time we made it out into the hallway, Aruna was already nearly a football field ahead of us.

“She’s not getting away that easily,” I growled and summoned emerald fire into my hands.

I conjured up a portal of green Hellfire directly in front of the fleeing assassin with the intent of bringing her back within striking distance, but Aruna didn’t even break her stride. The assassin leapt into the air and tumbled gracefully over the portal as if it were little more than a puddle on the sidewalk.

“Okay, new plan.” I looked over at Jane. “We need to get ourselves in front of her. I’ll get us there, and you unleash Hell. Got it?”

“Got it.” The brunette nodded and summoned yellow Hellfire into her palms.

I threw down a portal of jade fire in front of us, summoned a red spell into my other hand, and we both jumped in. My body and soul became weightless for a moment, and then I reappeared in front of the charging assassin.

Aruna didn’t even look phased. If anything, she wore an expression of annoyance as she grew closer. Not one to wait ourselves, Jane and I both blasted at the assassin with everything we had.

A slew of magical yellow daggers and red fireballs careened toward Aruna, and the dark-haired woman had to roll to the side to avoid getting lit up like a Christmas tree.

Without missing a beat, Aruna rolled into an upright position, sprang up into the air, and unsheathed her claws. As she came down on top of us, she took a swipe at Jane. The brunette tossed up a small shield of purple to dispel the attack, and Aruna’s claws struck the violet flames harmlessly.

At the same time, I unsheathed my goat-headed dagger and plunged it toward our opponent. Somehow, Aruna had the presence of mind to throw herself into a backflip. The amazing move managed to avoid my jab. Then her feet caught my weapon and kicked it up into the ceiling, where it embedded into one of the art installations above. Before her feet even hit the ground again, she launched her chakram at me.

I just barely managed to summon my own shield of violet Hellfire at an angle and ricocheted the projectile upward.

This was apparently exactly what Aruna wanted because as the assassin jumped out of the way of another one of Jane’s Hellfire attacks, she vaulted up into the air and bounced off my shield like a springboard. As she passed over my head, the assassin took another swipe at me with her claws.

I lunged forward, barely avoiding the deadly slash that was clearly meant to sever my spinal cord. I spun around, raised my hand to the ceiling, and called my dagger back to me with a flash of emerald flames. I was ready to skewer this bitch.

Unfortunately, Aruna had other plans. She dashed down a long hallway, only slowing her run to dodge the occasional yellow dagger tossed her way. In the few seconds it took me to reclaim my weapon, the assassin was already far away from us and only seeming to get faster.

“She’s good,” I said in awe.

“Damn!” Jane hissed with a twinge of urgency. “How the fuck are we going to catch her now?”

From behind Jane and me, there was the sound of a human voice imitating a trumpet. I turned around and saw Cupi and Liby hurtling toward us on their demon wings, Todd and Oliver in their arms. The two succubi landed in front of us and released their passengers.

“Everybody, stand back,” Todd exclaimed. “The real heroes have arrived!”

“Hey, ‘real hero,’” I chuckled and pointed down the hall, “the bad guy’s all the way down there.”

“Then what are we waiting for?” Todd questioned triumphantly.

Libidine ran up behind me and wrapped her arms underneath my armpits. At the same time, Cupi grabbed Jane and Todd hopped onto her back. The next thing I knew, I was soaring at break-neck speed through the hallways of the convention center with Libidine’s massive breasts pressed tightly against my back.

There were certainly worse ways to travel.

“What about Oliver?” Todd asked over the sound of the streaking wind.

“He’ll catch up,” Liby promised.

Thanks to the wings of the succubi, we closed the gap on Aruna in no time. Then, without warning, the assassin blindly threw her chakram back at us. The spinning wheel of death zipped right past Cupi, Jane, and Todd, but I could hear the hiss as it cut through the air.

“Ha!” the imp exclaimed. “You missed us, you gazelle-lookin’ bitch!”

His taunts were cut short when a metallic snapping noise echoed from above, and then the chakram shot back into the running Aruna’s hands. I glanced up and saw the projectile had severed the ties of a couple of the massive triangular art installations above, and hundreds of pounds of heavy white canvas were now falling directly in our path.

Cupi and Liby tried to halt their momentum, but they weren’t fast enough.

Before we were trapped, I threw out both of my hands, cast a wave of green fire around the massive installation, and grimaced as I held the debris. It was heavy, but it was nothing compared to keeping the Lincoln Memorial from collapsing back in D.C.

The falling art froze in the air, and the succubi and I passed underneath swiftly. Now, we were only about thirty feet behind the assassin.

“Now we got her!” Todd scoffed and tossed a baseball-sized fireball. “Suck on my spicy balls, bitch!”

Without missing a beat, Aruna somersaulted into the air and out of the way of the imp’s attack. Her body became engulfed in the same ectoplasmic substance she used against us earlier, and then there was a quick flash of dark light.

There, where Aruna had been, now flew a golden eagle.

“What the fuck?” Todd and I both said aloud.

“The Rakshasa are shapeshifters,” Cupi explained. “I’m surprised she didn’t break out that power sooner.”

“Of course,” I said sarcastically. “How did I not know that?”

In her animal form, Aruna was once again much faster than any of us. Jane, Todd, and I tried to hit her with various spells of red, yellow, and green Hellfire, but the assassin was much too agile as she spiraled through the barrage. It didn’t help that there were innocents everywhere in the convention center, and they forced us to keep from using anything too powerful in our magical arsenal.

Judging by Aruna’s willingness to dive through the screaming crowds, I figured it was intentional on her part to use the bystanders against us.

The eagle rounded a far-ahead corner, and then there was a wave of screams. The succubi and I rounded the turn and instantly saw what all the commotion was about.

There, in the middle of a massive gathering of people in business professional attire, was Aruna. She was headed straight for Gula and Tris, with her chakram in one hand and deadly claws in the other. All around, people were either marveling at the scene with their cell phones or fleeing in terror.

Tris and Gula were airborne, desperately looking for a way to escape out of the dead-end. Both of the succubi’s wings were bat-like, but Tris’ were much more sleek and slender than Liby or Ira’s. Meanwhile, Gula’s appendages jutted out nearly three times the width of her body. Both of the women were soaring through the sky, trying to keep as much distance between them and Aruna as possible, but it wasn’t going to be enough, not with the assassin’s speed and agility.

Within a moment, Aruna was within striking distance. She spun her body around and released her chakram directly at her fleeing targets.

“That thing is getting really fucking annoying,” I growled as I reached out with a glowing green hand. A portal appeared in front of the spinning projectile, and it harmlessly passed through and reappeared in front of the assassin.

That’s when Aruna really changed up the game. She sidestepped the incoming attack, reached out, and caught it, and then flung it into the crowd of panicking bystanders.

“Fuck!” I exclaimed and summoned purple flames into my hands.

Seconds before it sliced through a man filming in a gray suit, the chakram bounced off the violet barrier and ricocheted upward. I caught the weapon with my telekinetic fire, but I held off on throwing it back at Aruna. Instead, I moved it over and set it down on one of the catwalks on the ceiling.

“We can’t strike from above,” I warned Libidine. “There are too many people. Somebody could get caught in the crossfire.”

“Then we’ll have to get in closer,” Cupi said with a little too much glee in her voice. “Todd, have you ever wanted to base jump?”

“Have I ever!” the imp exclaimed. “Get me down there, blondie.”

Cupi and Liby both changed their trajectory downward, and we dive-bombed the assassin, who was now running toward her targets. Todd moved into position, shook his rear in preparation, and then leapt off Cupi. He fell for a few feet, went spread eagle, and then landed directly on the back of Aruna.

The sudden impact from the imp’s landing knocked Aruna off balance, and the woman fell and skidded across the floor. She agilely jumped back to her feet and began to claw at the literal monkey on her back.

Meanwhile, Cupi, Liby, Jane, and I landed a few feet away from the struggling assassin.

“Remember,” I warned my friends. “Don’t let your attacks get away from you. There are still too many innocent people around.”

The citizens in business attire were scrambling for the exits, but the sheer number of people trying to escape caused gridlock on a massive scale. Screams of panic echoed through the space, and I noticed some people were still on their phones, assumedly filming the altercation.

We were definitely going to have to do some mind-wiping when all was said and done.

Aruna grabbed Todd by his tiny arms and flung him off into the crowd. Meanwhile, Cupi shot a blast of blue Hellfire at the assassin, but she rolled out of the way. Instead, it struck an innocent bystander and caused him to tense up in place.

“Sorry!” the blonde apologized and released her spell.

Jane, Liby, and I were all charging at Aruna, but she was already back on the hunt.

“She really doesn’t give a fuck about us, does she?” I mused as we tried to push through the crowd.

“The Rakshasa are the deadliest assassins in the whole universe,” Liby sighed. “Once she zeroes in on her target, nothing can get in her way.”

“That’s what she thinks,” I retorted.

Gula and Tris looked panicked and horrified when they saw Aruna approaching, and Gula, the evil redhead, shot down a massive ball of red Hellfire at the charging assassin.

“What the fuck is she doing?” I screamed and threw up a purple shield. “She’s going to hurt those people.”

“It’s not her fault,” Libidine explained. “Gula is the Sister of Gluttony. All of her attacks are horrifically over-the-top, that’s why Azazel gave her that nickname.”

The evil redhead’s attack struck my barrier and spread outward, scorching the walls of the convention center. Aruna saw that as an opening, and she leapt up onto the wall of fire. A handful of yellow daggers from Jane and Liby shot past her as she flipped, and a split second later, Aruna propelled herself off the purple flames and rocketed toward Tris.

The tall brunette succubus let out a wail of pain as Aruna’s claws struck her in the left wing. Then Tris spun away from her assailant and began to tailspin out of control.

“Sister!” Gula exclaimed and swooped down to catch the falling succubus.

Aruna took her chance to pounce at the redhead from above. Before she could hit her target, the assassin was caught by Cupi’s blue Hellfire.

Tris and Gula landed somewhere off in the chaos, out of sight, as Cupiditas made her way into the air, Aruna held tightly in her time-freezing spell. The succubus floated downward, the assassin in tow, until they were both safely on the ground.

“Okay, Cupi,” I said. “Let her head out of stasis so she can hear this.”

As I commanded, Cupi released her spell around the assassin’s face with a wave of her hand.

“Alright, now you’re going to talk,” I demanded as I walked up closer to Aruna. “Who do you work for, and why are you trying to kill Gula and Tris?”

“I’m shocked you of all people would care what happens to Azazel’s followers,” Aruna spat. “Then again, you have made it a habit of stealing his succubi, haven’t you? What’s the matter, Jacob? Afraid those two will die before you get to fuck them?”

“So you do know who I am.” I nodded and completely ignored her taunt.

“Who in the world of the occult hasn’t heard of Jacob Ralston?” she said with a roll of her brown eyes. “The mortal who defeated Azazel. Everybody either wants to be you or wants to kill you.”

“That still doesn’t answer my question,” I sneered. “Who do you follow?”

“The Rakshasa are warriors for hire, Jacob,” Cupi explained. “They follow whoever pays them the most. That’s what makes them so dangerous and unpredictable. They serve no one master.”

“Very good, succubus,” Aruna mused. “Though I am surprised you can talk with this mortal’s cock jammed so far down your throat all the time.”

Todd let out a snicker. “I kinda like this one, Jakey,” he admitted. “She’s got sass.”

“Please,” the assassin laughed, “you’re no different, imp. At least the blonde here doesn’t deny her love for the mortal. The closet can only get so full, you know.”

“Okay,” Todd summoned red Hellfire into his hands. “I changed my mind. This chick is toast, bro.”

“You’ve caused me a great deal of trouble, mortal,” Aruna hissed. “My targets are fleeing as we speak.”

I shrugged. I already knew where to find Tris and Gula, anyway.

“Well, I guess today’s just your unlucky day, isn’t it?” I snarked. “Now the only question is what are we gonna do with--”

Before I could finish my sentence, Aruna’s eyes flared with black energy as ectoplasm flooded across her body. Before any of us could so much as raise a hand, the black goo snuffed Cupi’s blue Hellfire, and the Raksashi was already springing backward with feline grace.

“Shit,” I growled as I readied a gout of red Hellfire to turn the assassin to ash, but before I could get a clear shot, Aruna had already backflipped into the midst of the crowd of gawking bystanders.

“Don’t shoot,” I commanded to my friends who were a hair behind my reflexes. “Those morons aren’t gonna get out of the way.”

“Hey, internet video revenue is no joke,” Todd argued with a raised finger.

As we began to rush forward to try to pursue her through the crowd, black ectoplasm encased Aruna’s body as she took on another form. This time, she didn’t turn into any beast or animal. Instead, she now looked like a completely different woman, complete with a pinstripe pantsuit. She gave me a little salute before she slunk back into the crowd.

I didn’t even bother to chase her any further. Aruna was clearly a smart operator, and so she would have shapeshifted at least two or three more times by the time we even began to sift through the crowd.

“Dammit!” Jane hissed.

I put my hand on the brunette’s shoulders to comfort her.

“It’s okay, Jane,” I reassured her. “Despite what it looks like, we won this round. Aruna retreated, and Gula and Tris are going to live to fight another day.”

“We also know where to find them next,” Libidine added.

“I still wish we hadn’t let that bitch get away,” Cupi growled. “I wanted to take her out myself.”

“Eh, I’m sure we’ll see her again.” Todd shrugged. “Even if she didn’t have a contract to kill the ladies we’re trying to get our hands on, she’s clearly got the hots for Jakey. Something tells me she’s going to be boinking him before all’s said and done.”

“I dunno about that,” I mused. “She seemed pretty dead-set on turning me into mincemeat. I think maybe she just gets off on men trying to kill her.”

“Sounds like my ex.” Todd clicked his tongue. “Only, instead of ‘men trying to kill her,’ she got off on ‘other men sticking their dicks in her.’”

“Awww,” Liby pouted. “I’m sorry, Todd, I didn’t--”

“Sometimes all at once,” the imp continued. “I tell ya, that was not something I was expecting to walk in on after my twentieth birthday party.”

“Uh--” the curvy succubus continued. “I’m … I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Eh.” Todd shrugged. “It’s all water under the bridge. Just like the little bridge over the Rio Grande. It’s where we had our first date. We shared ham sandwiches, smoked some blunts, and enjoyed the beautiful view.”

Todd hung his head and buried his face in his hands.

“God, I miss her!” he said as he hugged Jane’s leg.

Jane looked like she was frozen with panic, and she just patted the imp awkwardly on the head.

I motioned to the people who were still trying to force themselves out of the convention center like lemmings. “We need to wipe their minds,” I said to Liby. “Do you think you can make that happen?”

“Of course,” the dark-haired succubus nodded. “I will just need their attention.”

“I can do that,” I confirmed.

There was a flash of purple as Libidine’s wings sprouted from her back. The succubus slowly floated up into the air until she was above the heads of all the terrified people.

I reached down into the deepest pits of my being and thought about the succubi. I thought about all the times we’d made love, the beautiful looks of passion they shot me while our bodies were intertwined, and, of course, their greatest assets.

My entire body was overcome with a warm, tingling sensation. I opened my eyes and blasted a quick spray of brilliant red Hellfire into the air.

The screams of terror subsided for a moment as the crowd turned to see the brilliant display of power.

Libidine’s eyes began to glow a deep purple. “Attention, my friends,” she explained. “What you saw here today was nothing out of the ordinary. There was a miniature earthquake that caused some structural damage here in the convention center, but nobody was injured. You may delete any and all pictures or videos from today off your phones because you are perfectly safe. Please, and thank you.”

Liby lowered herself down to the ground, and I cut off the geyser of fire.

The people around us calmed down. There were no more panicked screams or people trying to push each other over as they ran for the exit. Many of the citizens tapped away at their phones as they deleted the videos they had taken of the incident.

“What--what did I miss?” Oliver panted.

The white-haired man was all sweaty and out of breath. He bent over and placed his hands on his knees as he tried to reclaim the air in his lungs.

For a minute, I was afraid he was going to have a heart attack.

“They got away,” I explained and held up one of Tris and Gulas’ party fliers, “but we’re all still in one piece, and we know where they’re headed next.”

“Excellent!” Oliver mused. “We’d best be on our way, then.”

“We need to regroup back at the mansion,” I corrected the cultist. “Sia and Ira should both be back from their own duties, so we can touch base with them and see where we go from here.”

“And then what?” the white-haired man asked.

“Then?” I smiled. “Then comes the best part. We go back home, rest, and then we get to go party in Nevada.”

Chapter 7

“I can’t believe we met an honest-to-God Rakshasa, bro,” Todd pondered as we drove down the highway. “Even will all this shit with Heaven and Hell going on around us, I didn’t think those were real.”

“Rakshasi,” Cupi corrected from the back. “Female Rakshasa are called Rakshasi.”

“Potato, potato,” Todd said, and he made no effort to make the words sound any different. “Either way, she was such a badass. Living the bounty hunter life, holding her own against multiple demons, hopping around with that sweet-ass deadly donut … ”

“I thought you were supposed to be on my side?” I joked as I turned Shadow off onto our exit.

“I still am, bro,” Todd swore. “You’re still the PB to my J. The fish to my chips. The better home to my garden.”

“Good to know.” I chuckled and turned back to Cupi. “So what is a--”

“But Aruna was sooooo badass,” Todd interrupted. “This is the first time I think I’m actually rooting for you to add another member to our band of Merry Men. As long as I get to still be Little John, of course.”

“Of course, Todd,” I promised. “You’ll always--”

“Actually, I’m not sure I like ‘Little John,’” the imp pondered. “That makes it sound like I’ve got a small dick. I’d much rather be called ‘Giant Dick.’”

“You’ll hear no argument from me,” Oliver muttered under his breath.

“So …” I tried to steer the conversation back onto its original trajectory. “What is a Rakshasa, exactly? Aruna said she wasn’t a demon, but she sure as fuck wasn’t human.”

“The Rakshasa are one of those ‘neutral parties’ in the world of the paranormal Raphael has been talking about,” Cupi explained. “Just like the Skinwalkers were.”

“Uh, those things tried to rip us apart,” I reminded the fit succubus. “I wouldn’t go as far as calling them ‘neutral.’”

“That was only because Lucifer’s forces got to them first,” Cupi protested. “It didn’t help that we set up camp directly in their territory.”

“Well, if what happened at the convention center is any indication,” I argued, “it looks like the Demonic got to the Rakshasa first, too.”

“Not necessarily,” Jane spoke up. “While Liby and I were fighting Tris and Gula, they kept indicating they thought we were assassins, too.”

“Okay, so Aruna doesn’t work for Azazel,” I sighed. “That’s good, at least.”

“Bro, I just had a crazy thought.” Todd jumped up on the passenger seat. “Hear me out. What if Aruna was hired by the Divine?”

“Why would they do that?” I asked. “They’ve already got a Demonic bounty hunter with me. Killing Tris and Gula would do nothing but stop me from getting stronger. Besides, if she was working for the Divine, why would she turn on us like that? I doubt the Divine would want one of their biggest assets taken out of the equation.”

“Biggest asset?” Cupi giggled. “That’s true in more ways than you could possibly know.”

“Killing Jacob does sound somewhat counter-productive,” Oliver thought aloud. “Could she be working for another one of Lucifer’s minions? I know from my experience as a cult leader that demons are always trying to sabotage each other.”

“They are petty like that,” Libidine added, “especially the Demon Lords.”

“But who?” I questioned. “The Seventy-Two Servants are all but dead.”

“Precisely,” Oliver shot back. “That means Azazel is weak, and all the other demons know it. Now would be the perfect time to strike. At least, that’s what I would do, kick him while he’s down.”

“That’s why I pay you the big bucks.” I smiled at the white-haired man.

Finally, we pulled up to the Tuscan-style mansion we called home. Once Shadow was safely parked in the attached garage, the six of us slipped out of the vehicle and made our way inside.

“I don’t know who Aruna is working for,” I sighed as we passed through the side hallway and into the marble-floored entryway, “but we’re definitely going to get another chance to find out. There’s about a zero percent chance she doesn’t show up to Gula and Tris’ party later tonight.”

“What’s this about a party?” Ira’s voice called out excitedly from the living room. “I adorrree parties. They’re an easy way to gain voters!”

“Unless you get blackout drunk and accidentally admit you wet the bed until you were fourteen,” Todd shuddered as we entered the room. “You’ll never live that shit down.”

Sia and Ira were both sitting on the black leather chairs in the living room, and I assumed they were chatting it up before we arrived. On the coffee table in front of Sia sat what looked like an explosion of papers filled with scribbles about finances and building codes and the like. Meanwhile, Ira had a fancy brown briefcase that sat on the ground beside her chair.

“How did everything go?” Sia asked perkily. “If you’re talking about going to an afterparty, it must have gone fairly well.”

“Oh, it certainly went … ” I sighed.

I spent the next few minutes explaining to the succubi what happened down at the convention center. How Gula and Tris were trying to bleed us dry of followers, how Aruna attacked, and our theories as to who she was working for.

The entire time, Sia wore a large frown. “That sly demon,” the madame scoffed. “Sending the two laziest succubi back to Earth to do the one thing they’ve always enjoyed doing, having a good time. It’s ingenious, actually.”

“Ingenious, or absolutely idiotic?” Ira interrupted. “Tris and Gula might be all about doing the least amount of work possible, but think about just how much is going to go into these recruiting parties. I’ve been to fundraiser after fundraiser while I was the ‘wife’ of Marvin Franklin, and if there’s one thing I learned from my time in politics, it’s these things are a bitch to put together.”

“It’s just planning a party,” Oliver snorted. “The Cult of Azazel had get-togethers all the time, and they were never that difficult.”

“Big-budget parties are not potlucks in the woods, my friend,” Ira shot back. “You have to book the venue and the DJs, send out marketing, address every possible contingency you can possibly think of, hire a chef … they’re a lot more stressful than they sound. My point is, Ira and Gula are going to find out real quick that Azazel is really just making them do work by another name.”

“Which means the longer we let this go on, the easier it’s gonna be to get them on Jakey’s dick!” Todd interjected. “I don’t blame ‘em. Do a bunch of planning and logistics for an asshole Demon Lord, or travel around the country kicking ass, taking names, and eating delicious food with a few seconds of fucking thrown in between.”

“A few seconds?” Cupi asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, duh,” Todd said as he put his hands on his hips. “Everybody knows sex isn’t supposed to last over a minute.”

The rest of the group looked around at each other, not wanting to be the one to burst the imp’s bubble. After a very long minute of silence, it finally dawned on Todd.

“That’s not true at all, is it?” He sighed. “Damn it, that hooker lied to me! What, next thing you’re gonna tell me is that the going rate isn’t seven-hundred per minute?”

Todd was answered with another awkward silence.

“Son of a bitch!” he groaned. “I literally got the worst bang for my buck. Be right back, I’m gonna go leave that hooker a terrible Yelp review.”

The imp dashed out the door, assumedly toward his room upstairs.

“I’m one-hundred percent sure hookers aren’t on Yelp.” I chuckled, and then rubbed my eyes and yawned. “Geez, fighting with a shape-shifting entity really takes it out of you.”

“Shall we go up to the bedroom?” Libidine said coyly. “I’m pretty tired, too.”

Cupiditas smiled at us and faked a yawn. “I’m pretty exhausted,” she said with a wink. “I could also use a good nap before we continue.”

Sia’s large violet eyes perked up, and she stood to come and join us. “I’ve been working on the Velvet Lips’ finances all day,” the redhead explained. “I could use a short rest, as well.”

“Ira?” I asked flirtatiously. “Are you drained from stumping all day?”

The dark-haired woman looked up into my eyes from the couch as a wide smile spread up her face. “I think I’m okay for now,” Ira purred. “When I go to bed with you, I want you all to myself. Besides, if we all go up, who’s going to keep Oliver company?”

“I appreciate the thought, Ira,” Oliver said sarcastically. “I really do.”

“I can stay down here with Brother Oliver,” Jane volunteered. “I’m not really that tired … ”

Cupiditas walked over to Jane and wrapped her arm around the brunette. “Nonsense, my dear,” she cooed. “You had an exhausting day. Come upstairs with us and get some rest. It’ll be therapeutic, I promise.”

“I--” Jane muttered as her face grew red. “I don’t know--”

Liby bounced over to the cultist and wrapped her delicate hands around Jane’s waist. “Nonsense!” she promised. “It’ll make you feel a million times better.”

Jane looked up at me bashfully with her brilliant green eyes.

“Try everything once.” I smiled at the brunette. “That’s my motto.”

“I guess I could use some rest and relaxation,” Jane mused as a large grin spread across her face.

“That’s the spirit!” Libidine said with a playful smack to Jane’s ass.

The brunette responded with a yelp, and then she shot Liby a dirty look.

Sia and I turned around and began to head toward the staircase.

“Uh … have a good time?” Oliver called out as we left, and there was a snicker from Ira at his words.

The five of us made our way up the elegant staircase of the mansion with its newly-refurbished white steps and industrial-modern style railings. Our excited footsteps resonated off the marble as we ascended, and the sound intertwined with the happy giggles of the succubi.

Before we even reached the threshold of the bedroom door, Sia threw her arms around my neck and shoved her tongue into my mouth. We continued to makeout as I pushed the door open with the back of my body and picked up the petite succubus in my arms.

Without breaking stride, I flipped around and tossed the redhead onto the bed. As I began to unbutton my shirt, I felt the sensual lips of one of the girls on my neck. Then, I felt the hands of the other two running along my belt.

Liby and Cupi were on their knees in front of me as Jane slipped the remaining bit of clothing off me from behind.

“Sorry, Sister,” Libidine called back to Sia. “I know you haven’t seen him all day, but we’re going to take our turn first.”

“We’re just gonna get him warmed up for you,” Cupi added.

“Fine,” Sia agreed with a grin, “but only on one condition. I get to have some fun with the brunette.”

Jane made a muted gasp.

“Don’t worry, dear,” Sia promised, “we’ll both get a chance to be with Jacob once those two are done.”

“O--I guess so,” Jane muttered shyly.

Sia beckoned to the brunette with her finger, and Jane hesitantly walked over and sat down on the bed. The second Jane was seated, the redhead began to run a petite hand across her face tenderly.

“Oh!” Liby gasped and looked at my dick. “I think Jacob is liking what you’re doing.”

“Well, in that case, he’s going to love what comes next,” Sia purred as she shot me a wink.

The redhead pulled Jane in close, and the two began to makeout.

Jane looked surprised at first, but then she slowly got more and more into it. She started to run her hands through Sia’s hair as they kissed, and then she grabbed the redhead’s hand and slid it onto her thigh.

Sia placed her other hand down at the base of Jane’s robes and gave them a forceful tug.

The motion ripped the cultist's clothes right off, revealing her massive breasts, wide hips, and the rest of her curvy figure.

Sia looked surprised as her eyes wandered up and down Jane’s body.

“So that’s what you were hiding under there,” the madame mused. “No wonder Jacob likes you so much.”

“Now it’s your turn,” Jane said as she lurched forward and grasped at the back of Sia’s dress. “I showed you mine, now you show me yours.”

“Oh my!” Cupi giggled. “Jacob is really liking this.”

“I’ve never seen him this hard before.” Liby bit her lip hungrily.

Jane snapped the clasp of Sia’s dress, and then she pulled down the front to expose the madame’s petite breasts. Before the rest of the dress was even off, the brunette went to town on Sia’s erect nipples.

Sia responded with a moan of pleasure as she ran her hands along Jane’s naked back.

“Alright,” Cupi exclaimed. “I can’t take this waiting anymore! I’m going in … or should I say, ‘going on?’”

The blonde succubus tugged off her shirt, and her perky breasts plopped down happily against her tight body. Cupi looked up at me with her beautiful violet eyes, wrapped her hand around the base of my cock, and then wrapped her lips around the tip.

I let out an intense moan of pleasure as the blonde moved back and forth on my dick.

Every now and again, Cupi would get stuck, and Liby would have to help her out with a playful push forward.

“Don’t hog him all for yourself.” Libidine sighed as she pulled off her shirt and revealed the massive breasts that were hidden underneath. “I want a taste, too.”

Cupi slipped her mouth off my dick and pointed it in Liby’s direction.

The dark-haired succubus didn’t even hesitate, and she had her lips all the way down to the base before I could even react.

I grabbed the back of Liby’s head as Cupi made her way down underneath. The next thing I knew, I felt the blonde’s warm tongue running around my balls while her sister gagged on my dick.

Meanwhile, Sia and Jane were really getting into it. Jane was laid back on the bed with her head thrown back as Sia licked her pussy. Jane’s moans grew even more intense when the madame slid her fingers in to help out.

“That’s enough lip service,” Cupi mused as she stood up and pulled off her pants. “At least, those kind of lips.”

Libidine went down on my cock one last time and then slowly let it slide out of her mouth. The curvy succubus stood up, making sure to let the left nipple on her breast brush against my dick as she did so. Liby shot me a wink and stepped to the side.

Then, without warning, Cupiditas jumped up into my arms. The succubus wrapped her slender legs around my waist as my cock slowly slid into her warm, waiting pussy.

My entire being trembled with pleasure as her lips glided all the way down to the base of my dick, and the sensation nearly made me drop the blonde.

Cupi bit her bottom lip and moaned sensually as I began to move her up and down on my cock. She mirrored my motions, gyrating her hips down at the same time as I pushed upward. The succubus gasped intensely as we ground in unison.

“Wow,” Jane muttered from the bed.

I looked over at the brunette and nearly blew my load right then and there. Jane now had her back arched as Sia nestled her head violently between her legs. The woman’s face was flushed and red, and her eyes were locked on me and Cupi. The brunette’s moans became louder and louder as she watched me pleasure the fit succubus.

“I think she wants a turn with you, Jacob,” Liby giggled. “She’ll have to get in line. Sister Superbia will keep her busy until then.”

I couldn’t even think of a response to the curvy succubus. I was currently too focused on the sexy blonde in my arms.

I pulled Cupi all the way off my throbbing dick and then steadily lowered her down. Starting at the tip of my cock, I pushed her wet lips onto me at a snail’s pace.

Cupi quivered in my arms and tightened her grip around my neck. She must have really liked that.

I kept lowering the blonde until I finally felt her outer lips press against the base of my cock. I was all the way up inside Cupi, and I could tell she was loving it just as much as I was.

“Oh!” the blonde succubus gasped. “Do--do that again.”

She didn’t have to ask me twice.

As I pulled out for a second run, the blonde pulled herself in close and started to kiss me. Our tongues intertwined as I entered her wet pussy once more, and she gave me a satisfied groan that grew more intense the deeper I went into her. Her song of pleasure finally crescendoed once she was all the way down on my rock-hard cock. The blonde’s eyes rolled back into her head, her body tensed, and then she screamed with joy as she orgasmed.

“Well damn,” Cupi panted as I pulled out and stood her back onto her feet. “I don’t even think I can walk after that one.”

“Then get on your knees, Sister,” Libidine commanded coyly.

Cupi shot Libidine a look of contempt, but then she turned back to me and fell on her knees. The blonde’s violet eyes looked hungry as she licked her lips and took my still-erect cock in her hands.

“I’m going to get my fill,” Cupi purred, “one way or another.”

The succubus wrapped her lips around the head of my dick and then began to gently stroke at the shaft with both of her hands.

“Let me help you with that,” Liby mused as she got down beside the blonde. “Jacob’s so big, you’re going to need another set of hands.”

Cupi quickly removed her hands, and Libidine wrapped her palms tenderly around my erection. As Liby began to stroke, Cupi started to move deeper and deeper with each thrust of her mouth.

Between the succubi’s joint effort and the image of Jane getting eaten out by Sia, I wasn’t going to be able to keep this up much longer. I moaned as my women continued to pleasure me. I felt my orgasm building as the dark-haired succubus stroked and the blonde one sucked, until it was finally too much.

I grabbed the back of Cupi’s head and pushed her further onto my dick as I blew my load.

The succubus made a gagging sound immediately followed by a muffled “mmmmm” of satisfaction. She pulled her lips off my cock, and a tiny dribble of cum dribbled down her chin and onto her perky breasts.

“Oh no,” Libidine warned as she turned Cupi’s face toward her. “You’re not taking it all this time!”

Liby reached down and started to lap up the cum on Cupi’s chest. She licked at her sister’s nipples and neck and then kissed her way up to the blonde’s lips. The two succubi made out passionately on the ground in front of me as they playfully shared my load.

“Oh, Jacob … ” Sia beckoned from the bed. “Jane’s all ready for you. Why don’t you come over and finish her off?”

“With pleasure.” I smiled as I walked over to the bed.

Sia moved up above Jane’s head, straddled her face, and then reached down and grabbed her ankles. The madame then raised Jane’s legs to her waist, opening up her inviting pussy.

I could already feel myself getting rock hard again, so I positioned myself down in front of the woman’s bottom half between her legs. Without another moment’s hesitation, I slid my cock into her pussy. The brunette was already ridiculously wet thanks to Sia’s foreplay, and I was all the way up inside her in an instant.

Jane let out a gasp of surprise, but her sounds turned into a moan as I started to thrust in and out of her.

“Shhhh,” Sia hissed playfully. “No need for such noise.”

The redhead opened up her legs and then lowered herself down onto Jane’s face.

I continued to pound Jane passionately, and the woman responded with muffled groans from beneath Sia’s pussy.

Meanwhile, Sia’s petite body was trembling and tensing as she was pleasured by the brunette below her. Her pink nipples were erect on her petite breasts, and the succubus’ face was contorted into a mix of pleasure and surprise. Of course, her thoughts were easily given away by her muted moans.

The next thing I knew, Libidine and Cupiditas were on both sides of the redhead.

Liby bent down on her hands and knees, making sure to arch her back and show off her massive ass. The dark-haired woman looked up at me seductively, and then she moved down and started to suck on Jane’s nipple. With her left hand, she reached down and began to rub at Jane’s clitoris.

The brunette quivered at the new sensation that ran through her body.

At the same time. Cupi began to sensually kiss the back of Sia’s neck and run her hands along the tiny redhead’s body.

This was fucking amazing.

Jane’s muffled groans were getting closer together and growing louder, so I increased my pace. Suddenly, the brunette’s body tensed up, and she let out an ear-shattering orgasm.

Her tightening pussy clasped around my cock, and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I unleashed another load deep into the brunette’s pussy.

“Done?” Sia asked hopefully. “Good. Now I believe it’s my turn.”

The redhead released Jane’s legs and stood up on the king-sized bed. She strutted over to me, raised her slender hand, and gave me a playful push on the chest.

I fell backward onto the lower end of the bed and gleefully awaited what was to come.

“You’ve been doing an awful lot of work, Jacob,” Sia purred as she stood over me. “How about you sit back on this one and let me do all the work?”

“I’m not gonna argue with that one.” I grinned at the succubus.

Sia squatted down, got on her hands and knees, and moved herself so she was directly above my still-throbbing erection. Then the redhead lowered herself down onto my cock, and her eyes rolled back in her head.

“I always forget how large it is until it’s inside,” Sia moaned, and then she placed her tiny hands on my chest and began to grind her hips around against my pelvis. Her arms pressed her breasts together and caused her cleavage to bounce happily as she rode on my massive cock.

I felt another pair of hands come into the equation. Cupiditas was standing behind the redheaded succubus, and she must have slid her hand underneath the madame’s bouncing body. Cupi’s hands rubbed at my balls gently as she stared me deeply in the eyes.

Libidine’s face appeared above me, and I reached out to run my hand along her massive breasts.

“I still haven’t gotten off, you know,” she suggested innocently.

“Well, we can’t have that,” I scoffed through my own moans.

I beckoned for the dark-haired succubus, and her eyes lit up. Liby crawled over my body and straddled my face with her pussy. I wrapped my hands around the succubus’ curvy ass, extended my tongue, and went to town on her womanhood.

The four of us kept going for a long time, our bodies grinding and interconnecting as we passionately made love.

Libidine was the first to tag out when I started getting creative with my cunnilingus. As my tongue passed over her clit in a circular motion, the succubus’ thighs locked around my head and she threw back her torso. Liby gasped and groaned, and then she crumbled down onto her hands and knees. The succubus moved down, gave me a kiss, and then rolled off the bed.

Sia was still enjoying herself, and I couldn’t blame her. She was grinding up and down on my cock like a cowgirl riding a rampaging bull. All the while, she had Cupi nibbling on her back.

“I think he’s close, Sister,” Cupiditas purred into Sia’s ear. “I can just feel it. Literally.”

Sia took a deep breath and then quickened her pace. The succubus was so wet her lips glided up and down without any effort whatsoever, and her chest began to grow red.

“I--I think I’m gonna--” I warned, but my words were cut off with an intense orgasm from Sia.

Watching the redhead cum on top of me was the last straw. As she continued to ride my cock, I filled her pussy with my load.

Exhausted, the redhead fell down on top of me. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and then nuzzled into my chest. I patted Sia on the shoulder and pointed to the other side of the bed, where the pillows were located.

“I’m beat,” Liby sighed as she climbed under the covers.

Jane was already there, and she patted the empty spot beside her longingly. Sia, Cupi, and I all made our way over to the right side of the bed and tucked ourselves into the warm covers. Jane and Sia were the closest to me, so they rested their heads on my chest lovingly, while Cupi and Liby were on the outer edge. I reached out and gently laid my hands behind their delicate bodies.

The three succubi and the cultist snuggled in close, and they were out like lights within minutes.

My entire body was on pins and needles. I couldn’t tell if it was just from the exhaustion from pleasuring four women at once or if it was my powers growing stronger from our deeper connection.

Either way, it was strangely euphoric.

I glanced over at the rustic antique clock that hung on the bedroom wall. It was only one in the afternoon, and Gula and Tris’ party wasn’t set to start until eight. If my math was correct, and it was a four-hour drive to the venue, then we had a three-hour buffer for some rest and relaxation.

I closed my eyes and felt myself begin to drift off.

We needed all the sleep we could get, because in a few hours we were gonna party the night away.

Chapter 8

“You guys were in there forever, bro,” Todd pointed out as Jane, the succubi, and I walked back into the living room. “Do you even have any fluid left in your body, or is it like the Sahara Desert all up in your schlong?”

“A gentleman never kisses and tells,” I joked back to the imp.

Ira and Todd were both chilling on the couch, passing a joint back and forth. Meanwhile, Oliver was passed out in the leather recliner and snoring loudly.

“We only made love for an hour or two.” Liby shrugged. “We were asleep the rest of the time.”

“Oh,” Ira cooed happily. “I can’t wait until I get a go at Jacob! That sounds delightful.”

“You were more than welcome to join us,” Sia mused. “The more the merrier.”

“Like I said,” the crazy-eyed succubus grinned, “when I get Jacob, I want him all to myself.”

“Wait,” Todd said as he shook his head. “You mean the Toddster could have been taking a nap this whole time? I’m currently running on a cocktail of Red Bull, Monster, Nos, and a teensy-weensy bit of Jager to stay awake.”

“How has your heart not exploded out of your chest?” I uttered in disbelief. “That’s enough caffeine to bring down a horse.”

Todd shrugged. “I seriously think it’s the weed, bro.” He nodded toward the joint in his hand. “This Canadian Moose Tranquilizer makes me as mellow as a koala.”

“You’re smoking animal tranquilizers?” Cupi asked in disbelief.

“That’s just the brand name,” I explained to the blonde. “It’s not really tranquilizers.”

“Brand name?” the succubus asked curiously.

“It’s the thing companies use to differentiate their product from the rest on the market in this capitalist society,” Todd added sarcastically. “Get with the program, Cupi, geez.”

Cupi stuck her tongue out at the imp, who responded with a funny face of his own.

“Maybe it’s a good thing you’re all hopped up on caffeine,” I mused. “We still have a long night ahead of us. One of dancing, drinking, and hopefully a little bit of--”

“Fucking?” Todd sighed. “You really got a one-track mind, bro.”

“I was gonna say ‘recruiting,’” I corrected, “but I could go for either.”

“You better be careful, Jakey,” Todd warned. “Too much yogurt-squirting can lead to dehydration. I know, I had to go to the ER for it once.”

“You had to go to the ER because you whacked it too much?” I tried to hold in my chuckle.

“Technically, it was a case of severe dehydration and repeated spasms in my right arm,” Todd explained. “Long story short, don’t go for the marathon session unless you’ve got some orange slices and a gallon of water handy.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I lied and turned back to my friends. “We need to head out there pretty soon if we’re going to make Gula and Tris’ party.”

“Unfortunately, I’m going to sit this one out,” Sia said sadly. “There is still much work to be done at the Velvet Lips. Once I actually sat down and started crunching the numbers, I found it is actually in much worse shape than we thought.”

“Oh, so that’s it?” I joked. “Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am?”

“More like ‘suck, go, thank you, bro’ in your case,” Todd snickered.

“I’ll still be around,” Sia mused. “I’m going to need a release every now and again.”

I wrapped my arm playfully around the tiny redhead. “What, am I only a piece of meat to you?” I asked sarcastically. “Use me at your convenience?”

“Don’t tempt me,” Ira cooed from her seat. “Just the thought is making my dom half go crazy.”

“Of course not,” Sia said as she gave me a peck on the cheek, “but I think maybe it would be good for you to take Ira on this adventure. She has yet to be fully initiated into the group.”

“Translation,” Todd interrupted, “she needs to fuck Jakey, and putting the two of them in a life-and-death situation together is the best way to get that to happen.”

“Sold!” Ira jumped up from the couch and threw her hands into the air. “I will join you on your quest.”

“What about you, Jane?” I turned to the brunette. “You up for catching two more succubi?”

Jane shook her head. “Not this time, Jacob,” she retorted and pointed to the sleeping Oliver. “Lately, he’s been slacking in doing his cult leader duties. Did you know we’ve only done three blood rituals in the last month? That’s a new low for us.”

“Uh … you’re still doing those?” I asked cautiously.

“Relax,” the brunette said with a wave of her hand. “We don’t use real animals or humans anymore. It’s more of a symbolic ritual than anything, but it’s still very important for us to retain our comradery as a cult and keep our power levels up. Then there’s the demon-hunting thing … ”

“How’s that going?” I questioned.

“We’re actually doing pretty good for a bunch of mortal cultists,” Jane admitted. “I just got word from the sect out in Florida they killed the demon Dagon--”

“Wait,” Sia said, her eyes wide. “How did they manage to bring down Dagon?”

“Is that a big deal?” I asked, also confused. “I mean the name sounds kind of familiar … ” I shrugged.

“Dagon is the god of the Philistines, bro,” Todd said as he patted his knee. “Why don’t you let Doctor Todd educate you?”

“I’m not sitting on your knee.” I sighed.

“Just say ‘no homo’ first, bro. It’s fine.” Todd waited a beat, and when I didn’t move, he smirked. “Anyway, remember all the Old Testament stuff with the Philistines?”

“Not really.” I scrubbed my face with my hands. “In fact, I barely remember anything other than there was a flood and an apple … ”

“Dagon was a very powerful demon in the past,” Sia interrupted. “I’d heard he’d fallen, but even still, how could they defeat him?”

“We were able to lure him into a trap. Even then, it was a brutal battle, especially because he was hopped up on bath salts, but they pulled it out in the end.” Jane smiled. “We wanted to make you proud, Jacob.”

“Florida, bro.” Todd shuddered. “Not even once.”

“I am proud,” I smiled at her, and she flushed.

“Under your leadership,” Jane continued, “the Cult of Ralston has slain nearly one-hundred demons on the list. Mostly thanks to your ever-growing power levels.”

“Aw, shucks,” I said humbly. “You’ve helped with that too, you know. You’ve helped a lot.”

Jane glanced downward as her face grew red.

“I think I’m gonna hurl,” Todd gagged. “Can we just get on with it? The sooner we get to this party, the higher the chances the Toddster can score!”

I raised an eyebrow and looked over at the imp. “What makes you think you’re gonna score at this party? It’s gonna be full of paranormal fanatics who are crazy enough to believe Tris and Gula work for Azazel. Not to mention, they’re all gonna be drunk and stoned off their ass.”

Todd fell to his knees and clasped his hands together with a grin. “My people.”

“He does have a point,” Sia added. “If Todd has any chance of ‘getting lucky,’ it’d be there.”

“Are you sure you two don’t want to go?” I asked once more to Jane and Sia. “It’s gonna be a blast.”

“Next time, maybe,” Jane winked.

“Surely there are still plenty more demons out there to defeat,” Sia continued. “There will be many more chances for us to, ahem, work together, but for now, we need to work on stabilizing your growing influence. If you keep expanding at this rate, Jacob, you’ll have influence over the entire Southwest in no time at all. Maybe eventually even over the entire country.”

I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. “I do like the sound of that,” I conceded.

“Brrrrooooo.” Todd was now tugging at my pant leg to get my attention. “Let’s go. Strawberry Shortcake and Jane Doe here can handle themselves just fine, and I’m like, positive, they’ll be waiting for you when you get back. Probably as wet as a tsunami and everything.”

“He’s not wrong.” Ira giggled.

“Uh … on that note,” I tried to change the subject, “let’s get going.”

“Should we wake Oliver and tell him what’s going on?” Libidine asked innocently. “I’d hate to leave without saying goodbye to one of our friends.”

“He’ll be fine,” Jane reassured. “It’s better to let him get his beauty sleep. I woke him up in the middle of a nap once, and it was one of the worst mistakes I’ve ever made. Let’s just say, things were destroyed.”

Todd sauntered over to the white-haired man and raised a clawed finger into the air. “That makes me wanna poke the bear even more.”

“Don’t you dare,” Jane warned.

“Why not?” the imp asked. “It’d be funny as hell.”

“Bro, she said it’s a bad idea,” I reiterated. “That’s an order.”

“Awwwwww!” Todd sighed and hung his head. “I wanted to see shit get blown up.”

“I’m sure you’ll get your fill of explosions, Todd,” Cupi spoke up. “Aruna’s surely going to be on the trail of our sisters as well.”

“Ooohhh,” Todd perked up. “Maybe her and Jakey will get into an epic sword fight atop two moving vehicles? Or maybe they’ll end up getting into one of those ‘fight until they fuck’ situations? The possibilities are endless!”

“As long as I get to be in on option two,” Ira cooed. “If it happens, of course.”

The three succubi and Todd turned and walked toward the door, leaving me alone with Sia and Jane. I gave both of them a smile.

“Good luck, girls,” I said as I gave each of them a hug.

“I hope we make you proud, Jacob,” Sia answered.

“You already have,” I said overdramatically and then turned to follow the others.

“Such a romantic,” I heard Jane muse from behind as I headed toward the door of our mansion.

Todd and the succubi were already in the car when I got there, all buckled up and ready to go.

“Yeesh, Jakey,” Todd scoffed as I climbed into the vehicle. “Did you try to get in a quickie before we left?”

“No, I was just--”

Todd’s face contorted into a look of horror. “Oliver was right there, bro!” he gasped. “That poor old geezer is gonna wake up wondering why everything around him is so sticky. Little will he know … ”

“I was just saying goodbye,” I explained.

“With your penis?” the imp shot back without missing a beat.

I rolled my eyes. “With my mouth.”

“Ahhh,” Todd winked, “you gave ‘em the ‘ol tongue lashing, eh? Got it.”

“I could use a good tongue lashing.” Ira sighed as I turned the keys and kicked Shadow into gear. “I haven’t had one of those in years. Well, other than from my dom half, of course, but at that point, it’s essentially masturbation, and that gets tiring after a while.”

“Not if you’re doing it right,” Todd snickered.

“Can we talk about something other than touching ourselves?” I asked as we headed toward the interstate. “Maybe we could focus on the mission ahead?”

“Right,” Cupi agreed from the back of the Jeep. “Gula and Tris made no effort to hide their location, so surely they know we are going to find them, Aruna included.”

“I think you give too much credit to Sister Tris,” Libidine interjected. “She’s named after Sloth for a reason. I doubt she’s even given a second thought to her plan since she came up with it. And as for making an adjustment? Not on her life.”

“Still,” Cupi argued, “I’d imagine they’re going to have beefed-up security, or at least, they’re going to be on high alert.”

“I still think you’re giving them too much credit,” Liby retorted. “I’ll be shocked if Tris and Gula have deviated from their original plan at all.”

“Didn’t Tris get in trouble the last time she was on Earth?” I asked. “I remember you mentioning she wasn’t allowed back on Earth Realm any more because she disobeyed her masters?”

I looked up in the rearview mirror and saw Cupi give a slight nod.

“She got a little too into this realm’s Earthly pleasures,” the blonde succubus confirmed. “Tris went off the grid for awhile, and Earl finally had to send his minions after her. Once she was back in Hell, he tortured her and refused to let her leave ever again.”

“And Azazel trusts her?” I scoffed.

“I doubt he does,” Cupi continued, “but what choice does he have at this point? It’s either those two, or Invidia. If I know Azazel, he’s going to hang onto Invidia until his dying breath.”

“Why the fuck do they still do his bidding then?” I said angrily. “He’s the one who had her tortured and keeps her on such a tight leash. Why can’t they just see life would be so much better on our side?”

I felt Liby’s soft hand reach up and touch my shoulder tenderly.

“Because, like so many of us before her, they fear Azazel,” she explained. “If something were to ever happen to you, he would take all of us back, and if that happened, I don’t even want to think about all the terrible things he’d do to us.”

“It’s like you talked about before,” Todd spoke up. “Is it better to be loved or feared? You know, Manicotti.”

“Machiavelli,” I corrected.

“Look, bro,” Todd said as he reached into the glove compartment. “I’m only repeating what you said. You’re the expert here, not me.”

“Not I, you mean,” I corrected.

Todd pulled out a joint, rolled down the window slightly, and then lit it with a flash of red Hellfire.

“See?” he laughed. “You’re the brains of the whole operation. I’m just the brawn. And the comic relief. And the dashing good looks.”

“Oh, oh!” Ira jumped up and down in her seat. “Now do us.”

“Hmmmm,” Todd pondered as he took a long drag.

The imp stroked his chin for a moment as he pondered, and then his eyes lit up. He turned around in the seat and pointed at Cupi.

“The Bodacious Blonde is the warrior,” he explained. “She’s the one who’s gonna kick ass and take names. A little hotheaded, but totally deadly.”

“I don’t know whether to kiss you or throw you out the window,” Cupi said sarcastically.

“That’s the spirit!” Todd exclaimed.

The imp then slid across the seat and pointed to Libidine. “You,” Todd started, “you are the innocent and wide-eyed one of the group. Or at least, as innocent and wide-eyed as a schlong vampire can be.”

“I believe the word you are looking for is ‘optimist,’” the dark-haired succubus said with pride. “Though I’m not familiar with this ‘schlong vampire’ you are referring to.”

“You don’t--” I began to warn the succubus, but Todd was too fast.

“Schlong vampire,” he explained. “You’re like a vampire, but instead of needing blood to survive, you need the love juices out of Jakey’s third arm.”

“Jake has a third arm?” Ira said in disbelief. “Why didn’t any of you tell me about that? I’m sure it makes lovemaking all the more intense.”

“Oh, it does,” Cupi smirked, “but Todd’s talking about Jacob’s manhood.”

“I could see how it could be mistaken for an arm.” Ira nodded and then poked Todd on the shoulder. “What about me? You never said which one of the group I am.”

“Welp, Crazy Horse,” Todd pondered aloud. “You haven’t been with us very long, but I can already tell you’re the Leroy Jenkins of our group.”

“Who’s that?” Ira asked her sisters.

Both of the women shrugged helplessly.

“No … ” Todd said with a small gasp. “None of you have ever seen that video? Jakey, I’ve got a lot of education to give these girls when we get back from the party.”

“He’s basically saying you don’t have a single fuck to give,” I tried to explain.

“But that’s not true at all,” Ira scoffed. “I’m a succubus and a dominatrix at that. I have plenty of fucks to give!”

“No.” I shook my head and tried to think of a better way to word my answer. “Like, you don’t have any care in the world, and you don’t care about consequences.”

“You’re in it for the lulz,” Todd added.

“I’ve never heard this term before,” Ira said blankly.

Todd took another drag, rubbed his forehead, and sighed. “There are so many sites I need to show you when we get back. You all have much to learn, my young apprentices.”

We continued the drive for another two hours until we were only a few miles away from the Nevada border. It was later in the afternoon, but the desert climate was out in full force. The heat from the sun still shimmered off the dark pavement of the highway like a mirage, and the cabin of Shadow was getting warmer by the minute. Even with the AC at full blast, it was still an uncomfortable drive. It would be dusk soon, and hopefully, that would squelch some of the insufferable warmth.

“Jacob,” Cupi suddenly spoke up, “I think we’re being followed.”

“What do you mean?” I asked as I surveyed the rearview mirror.

The only thing I could see was a silver Camero a few miles behind us.

“Relax, Cupi,” I sighed. “It’s probably just another person trying to make it across the border. This is a major interstate, after all.”

“I just--I have a really bad feeling about that car,” the blonde reiterated.

“Uh, Jakey?” Todd interrupted. “I think I agree with Ms. Warrior back there. That sexy beast is rolling up on us pretty fast.”

“They’re probably just--”

“Duck!” Ira screamed.

I tossed my head down right as the back window of Shadow was shattered. I felt the projectile zip past my head, but its momentum had been slowed enough it just bounced off the front windshield. The weapon fell down into the seat between Todd and me.

It was a chakram.

Aruna was following us.

Chapter 9

“I gotta admit, Jakey,” Todd picked up the chakram and examined it in his hands. “This chick’s got balls, and not, like, in the ‘you looked feminine on your profile picture’ kinda way.”

“Todd’s right,” Ira mused. “There are five powerful magic users in this vehicle, and Aruna throws a circle of metal at us? I admire the insanity.”

“Then we’ll just have to show her exactly how badly she fucked up,” Cupi growled.

In the mirror, I saw the blonde twist her body around toward our assailant and unleash a blast of blue Hellfire through the newly-made hole in the Jeep. With a screech of tires, Aruna’s Camaro lurched to the left and dodged the attack.

“Why isn’t she returning fire?” Liby asked with concern in her voice.

“I’ll tell ya why.” Todd turned around and waved the chakram above his head mockingly. “It’s because the moron went ahead and gave away her most important weapon!”

The second after the words left Todd’s mouth, the tiny imp’s body was tugged violently over the seat. He let out a scream of terror as the chakram pulled him toward the opening in the back of Shadow, directly toward Aruna.

Thankfully, Ira was quick as a cat on crack. I looked back and saw the crazed succubus had caught Todd by his ankles and was hanging on for dear life.

Todd finally released the weapon, and it shot off like a rocket back toward the speeding Camaro. The imp fell down, landed on Ira’s chest, and let out a sigh of relief.

“You know,” he chuckled, “if I was into demon chicks, it’d be pork city back here right now.”

“Eww,” Ira gagged, and then she tossed Todd back into the front seat of the Jeep.

“We need to shake her, Jakey!” the imp suggested.

“How the fuck am I gonna do that?” I demanded. “We’re on an interstate in the middle of the desert! It’s not like I can try to lose her on the backroads or anything.”

In the back seat, Libidine had joined her sisters in an all-out assault on Aruna’s car. From the rearview mirror, I could see blasts of red, yellow, and blue smash into the road as the silver Camaro continued to dodge gracefully from side to side.

I glanced into the side mirror just in time to see the chakram, encased in black ectoplasmic material, hurtle directly for the driver’s side tire. I jerked Shadow’s wheel to the right, and the projectile smacked into the asphalt and ricocheted back toward the Camaro. A slender hand caught the chakram nonchalantly as it returned.

I didn’t know how the assassin was getting so much heat on that thing. The chakram was zipping around like a spinning rocket intent on carving us up like a Thanksgiving turkey.

Aruna either had one hell of a sidearm, or there was some magic fuckery afoot.

“She’s trying to take out our tires!” I cried out in warning.

“This woman’s relentless,” Ira observed. “What the fuck did you do to piss her off?”

“Aruna is an assassin who was after Gula and Tris at the convention center,” I explained. “We stopped her and helped them escape. That’s probably why she’s trying to kill us right now.”

“Probably?” Todd spoke up from beside me. “She literally told you to ‘stay away from her prey,’ bro.”

“Liby!” I called back to the dark-haired succubus. “Can you use your telekinesis to knock her off the road?”

“She’s moving far too fast for me to get a bead on, and even if I could, it’s too much mass with too much velocity to counteract its force,” Libidine huffed.

“Well, look at Ms. Physics here,” Todd said with a laugh. “Good on you, Liby, for that big brain there!”

The busty succubus shot a bright smile at the imp and was about to thank him for the compliment when the chakram shot at us once more. She was cut off as I had to twist the wheel harshly to the left and everyone in the back was flung around.

And it only got bumpier from there.

The motion caused the Jeep to leave the road momentarily, and the vehicle rumbled as it drove over assorted rocks and plants in the sand. Thankfully, I was able to regain control of the vehicle and get her back onto the pavement before we spun out or blew a tire.

Unfortunately, that was exactly what Aruna wanted.

A massive glob of the black, sticky ectoplasmic substance shot past our left and splattered onto the road ahead.

“Oh shit!” Todd screamed. “She’s trying to bukkake us!”

“What the hell does that mean?” Libidine asked in a panic.

“You seriously don’t know?” Ira sounded surprised.

“It’s when a bunch of guys stand around a kneeling woman and--” Todd began.

“Hold on tight!” I yelled and cut the imp off as I outstretched my left hand and summoned purple Hellfire.

I cast a spell of violet flames down onto the road, directly on top of the ectoplasm. There was a huge, cabin-rattling bump as we hit the glowing barrier, but it did its job. Shadow passed over the sticky substance without even the slightest form of resistance.

“We need to stay on the offensive,” I demanded. “Everyone, let’s show this shapeshifter what we’ve got!”

Todd rolled down his window, stuck his head out, and began to fire small balls of red flame back toward the assassin. At the same time, I noticed an increased glow of red, yellow, and turquoise fire from behind as the three succubi joined the assault.

There was the roar of a supercharged engine, and the Camaro was suddenly on the opposite side of the highway. Despite her practicality, Shadow was much slower than the souped-up silver sports car. Before we knew it, Aruna was driving right along beside us.

I got to get a good look at her through the driver’s side window. The assassin was wearing a pair of sunglasses, and her sleek black locks were tied back into an intricate hairstyle. Aruna turned her head, gave me a playful wave, and then twisted her wheel to the right.

I tossed up a large purple barrier seconds before the Camaro collided with Shadow. The impact of metal on Hellfire caused a shockwave that nearly knocked us off the road, but I was able to stay the course.

From the back seat, there was a flash of yellow as several enchanted daggers stabbed into the Camaro’s side. The barrage shattered the passenger-side windows and turned the left half of the car’s body into Swiss cheese. Aruna’s vehicle lurched to the left violently and then careened back toward us.

I decided it was time to change up my tactics.

Instead of blocking the Camaro with a barrier, I blasted directly into its front end with a massive geyser of red Hellfire. She didn’t manage to dodge that one, and the blast spun Aruna’s car like a top. In that wild moment, its rear smacked into the back of Shadow.

The impact caused our vehicle to fishtail, and it took everything in my power to keep it from spinning out. All four of my friends were screaming in terror as I fought with the wheel, twisting it back and forth in an effort to keep Shadow’s body straight. Then, as quickly as it started, we were back on the straight-and-narrow.

“I think we actually got her,” Cupi said with a sigh of relief. “I can see Aruna’s car all the way back there. It’s not moving.”

“Hell yeah!” Todd extended his hand up for a high-five.

I obliged the imp but looked back in the rearview mirror nervously as I did so. “I don’t think this is over,” I pointed out. “Not by a long shot.”

“Aw, fuck,” Ira groaned. “You’re right. Incoming!”

I turned my head to the left just in time to see Aruna’s chakram headed directly toward us from the side. There was a brief impact accompanied by a metallic thud, and the blade of the weapon jammed itself into the side of the Jeep.

“That’s it?” Todd laughed. “That was Aruna’s big finale? Some bounty hunter she turned out to--”

“Shhh!” Cupi demanded. “Listen.”

The entire cabin went silent as we tried to hear what the blonde was talking about. There was the howl of the wind as it passed by our open windows, the gentle purr of Shadow’s engine, and a sound I assumed was the gurgling of Todd’s stomach. Then I finally heard it, and my heart dropped into my stomach.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“Oh shit, it’s a bomb!” Todd cried.

I immediately surrounded the chakram with emerald flames and tried to cast it away, but I only managed to toss the weapon about ten feet away from the vehicle when it exploded. Aruna must have been using some high-grade explosives because the blast punched through my telekinetic fire like it was cardboard. The shockwave put a massive dent into the side of Shadow, and our jet-black jeep was tossed sideways and began to roll through the air.

I closed my eyes and tried to conjure up every feeling of disgust and envy I could possibly imagine. This couldn’t be how Jacob Ralston, the man who defeated Azazel, was gonna go out. What kind of shitty end to my story would that be? If I couldn’t pull this off, three of my succubi and my best friend would perish alongside me.

I sure as fuck wasn’t going to let that happen.

I thrust open my eyes and saw the entire cabin of Shadow was aglow with green Hellfire, so I tossed out both of my hands, made a fist, and tried to focus.

Our momentum stopped suddenly. The entire Jeep was suspended in the air thanks to my telekinetic Hellfire.

“Holy fuck,” Ira muttered. “You can catch a whole fucking car with your mind? That’s the hottest damn thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Why does lifting a Jeep Wrangler always get Jakey the poontang?” Todd joked.

We were currently on our side, so I made a circular motion with my hand to get us back in an upright position. Then, I slowly lowered Shadow back down onto the ground, dispelled my flames, and kicked her into gear. We had only gone about thirty feet off the road, so we were back on the highway in no time.

“Seriously?” Cupi growled from the back. “This bitch doesn’t know when to give up, does she?”

I glanced up in the rearview mirror and saw a four-legged figure dashing toward us from behind. Cupi and Liby were both trying to hit it with their Hellfire, but the creature was dodging the attacks as if they were nothing. So, I slammed down my foot on the accelerator, but Shadow’s engine just made a horrific sound as if it were gasping for air.

“Mother fucker,” I hissed. “I don’t know how much faster we can go!”

“Then you’d better brace for impact,” Cupi warned.

“We’re about to get raw-dogged by this assassin if we don’t give her the slip,” Ira added. “Actually, on second thought, that might be kinda nice…”

The beast in the rear-view mirror was dodging attack after attack from the succubi. It looked like a large cat of some sort, but it was running as fast as a jackrabbit.

Shadow’s needle currently read thirty, and she was gaining speed. Unfortunately, we still weren’t moving fast enough to outrun the creature behind us. Within seconds, the large cat had caught up with our vehicle.

It was a cheetah.

The beast dodged another handful of Liby’s yellow daggers and then pounced into the air. Black ectoplasm engulfed the cheetah’s body, and she morphed back into Aruna’s familiar human form while she was still in mid-air. A split second later, there was a thump on top of Shadow’s roof.

“This is just like a superhero movie, bro,” Todd exclaimed as he called red Hellfire into his hands. “Only this time, we’re in the role of the baddies.”

“How fitting,” I growled and whipped the steering wheel to the right.

Todd began to barrage the roof of the Jeep with fireballs as he tried everything in his power to hit the seemingly untouchable assassin. I tried to throw off her dodging, and her in the process, by jerking the wheel back and forth, but between the two of us, all we managed was to make the roof holier than the Pope.

“I’m on it,” Cupi called out as she kicked open her door, called forth her angel-like wings, and rolled out of the moving vehicle. Her wings flared wide to catch her, and then, an instant later, a blast of her blue Hellfire hurtled overhead and struck the road in front of us, somehow missing Aruna completely.

“How is Aruna dodging all this?” Libidine asked.

“She won’t be for long,” I growled and pointed up the road. “Check it out.”

A mile or two ahead, there was a bridge over a massive ravine. At the very bottom flowed the raging rapids of a river, nearly one-thousand feet down. That was our ticket to ditching our unwanted hitchhiker.

“Guys,” I warned. “This is gonna be a fucking crazy idea, but you’ll have to trust me.”

“You’ve gotten us this far,” Liby mused. “Go for it, Jacob!”

“All for one and one for all, remember?” Todd added. “We’ll follow you to the ends of the Earth and back, buddy.”

“Good lord,” Ira gasped, “and I thought Azazel’s followers were loyal.”

Right as we passed over the threshold of the bridge, I took a deep breath. It was now or never. I twisted Shadow’s wheel to the right, and the vehicle headed toward the barrier on the side of the bridge.

“Bro,” Todd yelled, “what are you doing?”

“Just trust me!” I reassured the imp.

Our Jeep Wrangler smashed through the thin metal on the side of the highway, and we began to plummet downward.

I immediately closed my eyes, conjured emerald fire into my hands, and then wrapped them around the steering wheel. The jade flames spread across the cabin, eventually engulfing Shadow’s entire frame.

But not the assassin on top of us.

Our freefall was brought to an abrupt halt, and Aruna was flung from the roof. The four of us watched her body hurdle downward comically, and then she quickly wrapped herself up with black ectoplasm. A hawk rocketed upward, stopped in front of our windshield, and transformed back into her human form.

Aruna stood on the hood of our floating car and readied her chakram.

But before she could make a move, she was hit with a blast of Cupi’s red Hellfire from above. The violent impact threw Aruna back like a ragdoll, and her body plummeted down into the raging river below.

“Bro, dudettes,” Todd addressed the vehicle. “I’ll never make fun of you for fucking ever again. Jakey wouldn’t be even half as powerful as he is right now if he hadn’t plowed all of you lovely ladies.”

“Such a way with words.” Libidine giggled.

“Don’t thank me yet,” I gasped out through gritted teeth. “I still have to get us back onto the road.”

I slowly raised my hands into the air, and sweat beaded on my brow. It was like Libidine had said, it wasn’t the mass, it was the acceleration. It had taken a ton of juice to snatch us out of freefall, and while I could move the Jeep fresh, it was a struggle to get it back up after such a hard catch. Still, Shadow slowly rose up as she followed my gestures. Once we were level with the bridge, I slid both of my enchanted palms to the side and moved us back to safety.

The second we were on solid ground, Cupiditas landed beside the car, tossed open her door, and hopped in.

“How did you know I was going to hit her?” the blonde asked in disbelief.

“I didn’t,” I admitted as I wiped my brow, “but I knew she wasn’t going to be defeated with our normal strategies. She was going to tear this Jeep open like a can of sardines.”

“Speaking of which,” Todd sighed, “I hope you don’t mind Shadow being a convertible, because her roof is pretty much like the condoms a billionaire's mistress wants him to use.”

I looked over at the imp and raised my eyebrow in confusion.

“Full of holes she put there,” the imp explained.

Well, when Todd was right, he was right. I let out a laugh as I put Shadow back into gear, and we started off down the road.

The vehicle was making a bunch of weird sounds, and there was cosmetic damage all over the place, but she still seemed to be running like a charm. As long as we didn’t need to go over seventy miles per hour, that is.

“How’s she holding up?” Liby asked with concern in her voice.

I patted the steering wheel lovingly. “She should be fine,” I promised. “Nothing Sia can’t fix when we get back to Phoenix. She just looks like she drove through an active warzone, that’s all.”

“I told you we shoulda gone with the Hummer, bro,” Todd suggested. “Those things can get beat like my meat, and they’ll still keep ticking.”

“It’s still a car,” I pointed out. “I’m pretty sure it’s just as weak to Hellfire and ectoplasm as Shadow is.”

Todd shrugged. “I don’t think you understand how hard I beat my meat.”

“And we’re going to keep it that way,” Cupi chimed in from the back.

“Do you think we’ve seen the last of her?” Libidine spoke up. “Did we kill the Rakshasi?”

“I doubt it.” I shook my head. “Knowing our luck, Aruna probably turned into a crocodile on the way down and is swimming toward our destination as we speak.”

“Cheer up, Jacob,” Ira tried to comfort me. “Even if that’s true, we’ve still bought ourselves a pretty good head start.”

“You’re right,” I said with a firm nod. “We’ll make it to Gula and Tris’ party before she does. Maybe we’ll even have a chance to talk to them one-on-one this time.”

The sun was setting off in the distance, and it threw a cool blanket of night over the Arizona desert. We continued down the road for a few more miles, and then we saw a familiar sign.

Welcome to Nevada.

It was just about time to get this party started.

Chapter 10

To call this place a “small town” would be an insult to small towns. My friends and I were just over the Nevada border, driving through the “downtown” of a small rural city.

“You sure this is the place?” Ira asked curiously. “I think I’ve seen ghost towns with more of a nightlife than this.”

“It’s what the flier said,” I retorted as I scanned our surroundings for anything that might look like a party venue.

“Perhaps Gula and Tris tricked us?” Libidine sighed.

“Doubtful,” Cupiditas shot back without missing a beat. “Aruna was headed in the same direction we were. I doubt a seasoned assassin like her would be so easily tricked.”

“Ouch,” I joked playfully to the blonde.

“No offense, Jacob,” Cupi apologized with pain in her voice. “I didn’t mean to--”

“I’m only messing with you,” I snorted. “I know you’d never insult me on purpose.”

“Of course not,” the blonde promised. “My love for you runs much too deep for that.”

I expected our imp companion to make a snarky comment, but the cabin of the vehicle was filled with silence. I glanced over to Todd curiously.

“My love for you runs just as deep,” I tried again, “for all three of you. Sometimes at the same time.”

The imp remained silent as he puffed on his joint.

Maybe I needed to try something more on-the-nose.

“You know,” I started, “I bet there’s gonna be a bunch of people at this party. Sweaty bodies everywhere, drunk people grinding up against each other … ”

“Fornicating in the bathrooms,” Ira added gleefully.

Still nothing.

“Todd?” I asked. “You okay?”

The imp looked over at me, and I could see why he was being so quiet. His eyes were completely bloodshot, and his entire body was relaxed to the point of hilarity. Todd slowly turned his head and stared at me blankly, his mouth agape.

“Did you say something, bro?” he asked through his baked-out haze.

“Oh dear,” Libidine giggled, “you weren’t kidding when you said that stuff was strong.”

“I guess that’s why they call it ‘Canadian Moose Tranquilizer,’ huh?” I observed. “I’m surprised Todd can even move right now.”

“Of course I can move, bro.” The imp grinned. “Watch this.”

The imp turned his head back so it was facing forward, and then his entire body seemed to spasm. He slowly looked back over at me and nodded with a devilish smile.

“See?” he slurred. “Triple backflip.”

“Uh-huh…” I humored the little guy and then turned back to scan the town.

There were a few shops that had already been closed for hours, what looked like a baseball park off in the distance, and a massive statue of a multicolored bull on every corner. The streets were completely dead, and even the few sickly-looking lamps flickered and threatened to go out at any second. Just up ahead, there was a bar dressed up to look like a saloon. Most importantly, however, was the fact that its sign was flashing “open.”

I turned the sputtering Shadow into the parking lot and wedged her in between two large trucks.

“I really hope she starts up again.” I sighed and killed the ignition. “I can’t believe what Aruna did to our baby.”

“Lola?” Todd perked up.

“Who’s Lola?” Ira questioned. “Another succubus?”

“No, no,” I corrected. “Lola was Todd’s trusty yellow Volvo. She was a bucket of rust, but she kept on chugging for years.”

“Yeah, until what’s-his-nuts decided to kill her,” the stoned imp growled.

“The Volvo died after we escaped some of Azazel’s henchmen,” I translated for the succubus. “Todd was devastated.”

Beside me, the imp was still making a low growling noise. His face was contorted into a scowl, but his tiny body was still as limp as a dead fish. Most unnerving were his eyes which were glazed-out and staring off into space but still had the simmering fire of fury underneath.

“Uh … are we gonna have to carry him?” Cupi mused as she slid out of the vehicle.

I tried to open my door, but it wouldn’t budge thanks to the dent from Aruna’s chakram. I slid to the side and then threw my entire body weight against the door, but it still refused to move. A small draft of wind then reminded me our vehicle was currently missing half of its roof.

It looked like I was gonna have to go up and out.

I stood up onto the leather seat and hoisted myself out over the side of the car. On the way down, I tossed a couple quick purple shields into the air to act as descending stairs and made my way toward the ground.

Despite the beating Shadow had taken, the rear of the passenger side was mostly intact. The three succubi slid out through the same door and onto the cool asphalt of the parking lot.

I turned around and saw Todd weakly reaching for the unlocking mechanism of the Jeep. The imp’s arm was moving but only at a snail’s pace.

Thankfully, I had just the contingency for this occasion.

I walked back to the hatch of the Jeep and popped open the tailgate. There were still shards of broken glass scattered all over the contents of the cargo bed, and I had to be careful not to cut myself as I dug. Finally, I found what I was looking for, my trusty duffel bag.

“Alright, Toddster,” I explained. “You’re going for a ride, just like the good ol’ days.”

Todd now had his hand on the door latch, but he wasn’t able to pull it hard enough. With a faint smile, I outstretched my hand toward the imp and covered him with a blast of emerald flames. Todd’s demeanor didn’t change one bit as he was engulfed with the Hellfire, disappeared, and then reappeared inside of the bag on my shoulder. The imp was still fumbling helplessly for the door handle when he reappeared, and then his eyes widened in surprise.

“Brooooooo,” he grinned, “I think I just time-traveled.”

“Through time and space, actually,” I corrected the imp in the bag.

I clicked the beeper on Shadow, turned around, and headed toward the swinging wooden doors of the saloon.

“What are we doing here again?” Cupi asked. “I thought we were looking for Gula and Tris’ party?”

“We are,” I confirmed. “Look around, Cupi. There’s not a soul in sight anywhere but in this bar. If anybody in this ghost town knows where there could possibly be a huge party, we’re gonna find them here. Besides, it wouldn’t hurt us to have a drink or two before we hit the road again.”

“I think we’ve earned it after what happened on the highway,” Liby added.

“I hope they have a Devil’s Tonsil-Tickler!” Ira jumped up and down excitedly.

All three of us looked at the slender succubus curiously, and she must have taken the hint.

“You’ve never had a Devil’s Tonsil-Tickler?” she asked. “It’s amazing. So, you take some Fireball cinnamon whiskey, add a little bit of chili pepper, toss some salt on the rim, and voila! Devil’s Tonsil-Tickler.”

“That sounds disgusting,” I gagged at the thought. “Wouldn’t that burn like a bitch going down?”

Ira’s eyes got a crazed look and her mouth twisted into a devilish grin. “That’s the point, love,” she explained. “It hurts sooooo good.”

“Yep,” Cupi sighed as we reached the bar’s entrance, “definitely something Ira would drink.”

There really wasn’t anything to say to that, so I zipped up the Todd carrier on my shoulder and then pushed through the swinging wooden doors of the saloon.

The outside may have been designed to look like an old-timey saloon, but the inside was anything but. Massive wide-screen televisions on the walls showed every sports station known to man, and loud country music blared over the speakers. The place didn’t seem too crowded, but then again, it was a weeknight in a small town in the middle of nowhere. This could have been half the town’s population, for all I knew.

The succubi and I approached a high-top table in the middle of the dining area and took our seats.

“Soooo,” Ira asked excitedly, “how are we gonna torture the information out of these people?”

“We’re not,” I said firmly. “We’re just gonna ask them, no need to resort to physical violence. What kind of a politician are you, anyway?”

“It depends on which half of me shows up,” the succubus cooed.

“Sounds about right,” Todd’s muffled voice arose from inside the duffel bag. Even when the Toddster was stoned out of his mind, he still couldn’t resist taking a stab at the political establishment.

A cheerful slender man dashed over to our table, menus in hand.

“Hello, guys!” he said with a grin. “I haven’t seen you around here before. You passing through our sleepy little town?”

“Maybe,” I nodded, “I’ve got a somewhat strange question for you, actually.”

“No, this is not my natural hair color,” the waiter joked. “In all seriousness, though, I’ll do my best to answer.”

The joke wasn’t that funny, but we all let out a tiny chuckle to humor the man.

“I just wanted to know,” I started, “have there been a lot of people around here tonight? My friends and I here heard there was a massive party somewhere out in this area.”

The man’s jubilant smile turned into a frown. “I’m afraid we don’t get many people in this neck of the woods,” he explained, “and we certainly don’t get many wild parties. Cedarville is a pretty laid-back town. Hell, I think we’re the only establishment that’s actually open past eight!”

“Well, darn,” I said with a sigh. “I was hoping you could point us in the right direction.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be of better assistance to you, sir,” the waiter apologized, “but I can help you get some alcohol in your stomachs!”

“That sounds incredible,” Cupi interrupted. “I’ll take a glass of red wine, please. The sweeter, the better.”

“I’m kinda feeling a Pilsner,” I added. “I’ll take whatever variety you’ve got on tap. And would it be alright to get a glass of stout beer, too? Just in case I wanna change things up.”

“Of course!” the waiter grinned.

“Onnnniioonnnnn riiiinggs.” Todd’s voice sounded like a ghost. “The Toddster needs his onnniionnn riiinggss.”

“An order of onion rings, as well,” I added.

“I’d like an IPA,” Libidine said as she smiled cheerfully.

“Alright,” the waiter said as he began to call back our order, “I’ve got an order of onion rings, a pilsner, a stout, a glass of sweet red wine, and an IPA. What about for you, ma'am?”

Ira patted her chin and let out a thoughtful “hmmmm.” Then she raised her violet eyes up to meet the waiter, and I knew what she was going to say before she even said it.

“Do you guys do mixed drinks?” she asked coyly.

“Of course!” the man responded.

“Can you do a Devil’s Tonsil-Tickler?” Ira begged. “It’s my absolute favorite drink.”

“I’m not familiar with that one.” The waiter frowned. “What’s in it? Maybe I can ask Tony over there to make one for you.”

Ira explained her choice of drink to the man, and his face instantly filled with confusion.

“Uh, let me go talk to Tony about that one,” he muttered through a fake smile. “In the meantime, I’ll get the rest of the order in for you.”

The second the waiter was out of earshot, I returned our focus to the mission.

“Well, shit,” I grumbled. “I would have thought these guys would have known about Gula and Tris’ party. Maybe they did trick us after all?”

“Bro,” Todd’s voice uttered from below, “that guy reeks of demon.”

“What do you mean?” Libidine pondered. “He seemed very friendly. Most of the demons we’ve encountered try to burn us alive the second they realize who we are.”

“That’s the thing, Lib,” Todd said as he began to unzip the duffel bag from the inside. “He’s a little too nice for my liking. I may be baked as a brownie right now, but even I can see through his charade. Actually, a brownie sounds sooooo good right now. You don’t think they sell those here, do ya, Jakey?”

“Probably not,” I replied as I shook my head, “but what makes you think our waiter is a demon?”

“It’s just a hunch, bro,” Todd muttered and then yawned. “Oof. That’s enough work for one day. Toddster, out!”

The imp laid back down in the bag and instantly began to snore.

Without disturbing the exhausted imp, I reached down and zipped him back in safely.

“I’m not really getting demon vibes from that guy,” Ira mused. “I worked directly with those assholes for years, so I would know.”

“Maybe he’s not a demon,” I wondered aloud, “but do you think he’s hiding something from us? Todd’s right, he does seem a little too happy for a server this late at night.”

“We’re about to find out,” Cupi said and then nodded behind me. “Take a look at these guys.”

I spun around in my chair and saw three guys and a woman enter the bar. One of the guys wore wide-brimmed glasses on his bulbous nose, and his body was decked out with a tie-dye shirt and a pair of khaki pants. To top it all off, the man’s hair was tied back into a man-bun. The other two guys were dressed a little bit more inconspicuous, but they still stood out like a sore thumb here in this small rural town. Each of them wore casual flannel shirts and had facial hair that was well-kempt and groomed.

Meanwhile, the woman who was with them had her hair tied back with a bright red headband and wore a dress so flowy it could be confused for a toga.

Everything about them screamed “city slicker,” and that meant they were probably here for the same reason we were.

The four newbies sat down at a table a couple of feet away from us and were greeted by our enthusiastic waiter. I couldn’t make out everything they were saying to each other, but I did catch some words that sounded awfully similar to the banter we had shared.

Then, one of the guys in the group motioned for the waiter to come closer, leaned in, and whispered something in his ear. The server stood upright, nodded, and then began to walk toward the doors that divided the front of the bar from the back. The group of four looked around cautiously, stood up, and followed the man.

“Something smells fishy about those guys,” I observed.

“Sorry, bro,” Todd called up from the bag. “I haven’t had a chance to shower in a few days. I thought I was covering it up with Eau du Reefer.”

“That’s not--ew.” I gagged and then turned to the succubi. “One of us should try to follow them and see what’s going on.”

“Oh, oh!” Ira raised her hand. “I’ll do it! I love spying on people.”

“Alright,” I nodded, “but no torture. Got it?”

Ira made an “X” motion over her chest. “Cross my heart and hope to die, stab an icicle in my eye,” she promised. “No torture. Not even a little.”

“Okay,” I confirmed. “Figure out what’s going on back there and then report back what you found. I’m sure it has something to do with Gula and Tris. It has to.”

“Yes, master.” Ira stood up and saluted.

“Don’t call me master,” I said with a sigh as the succubus hustled away.

Ira was wearing a pair of tight leggings, and I couldn’t help but stare at her ass as she bustled toward the door.

Seconds before the succubus reached the back-of-house entrance, another waiter pushed open the door, carrying a tray in his hand. He gave the succubus a suspicious look, but it looked like Ira just talked her way out of it. The man pointed back to the restrooms, and then Ira laughed and started to walk in that direction.

Of course, the second the man turned away, the succubus darted through the door.

“I think that’s our stuff,” Libidine said excitedly.

As the new waiter approached, I saw the succubus was right. On the tray sat a few glasses of beer, a glass of wine, and a massive boat of onion rings.

“Here you go, guys!” The man smiled as he began to set our order on the table. “Unfortunately, Tony says he can’t make the Devil’s Tonsil-Tickler. He’s fresh out of chili powder and, well, you’ve probably noticed that nothing around here is open at this time of night. Can I order the lovely lady something else, instead?”

“She just went to the restroom,” I explained. “We’ll talk it over with her when she gets back.”

“Excellent!” The man grinned. “Call me or one of my friends over when you’re ready.”

This server was just as ecstatic as the first guy, and I was starting to wonder if Todd’s theory was actually holding water. There was something going on with this place. Thankfully, we had Ira on the case, and she was a politician and a deadly warrior-demon. If anyone could get to the bottom of this, it was her.

“What are we waiting for?” Liby asked. “Let’s dig in!”

The dark-haired succubus grabbed the glass of light-colored beer in front of her and took a sip. She swallowed the liquid and then let out a loud purr of satisfaction.

“I’m surprised you like IPAs,” I mused. “The only beer I think I’ve ever seen you drink was the light stuff.”

Liby shot me a wink. “You of all people should know I’m always down to try new things.” She smiled and then took another sip.

“Hey, I’m trying to keep it classy over here,” Cupiditas interrupted sarcastically.

The blonde succubus picked up her glass of wine, held it in front of her face, and then swirled the liquid around and inhaled. A pleasant smile rose on her lips, and then she took a swig of the cherry-red wine. Cupi held it in her mouth for a moment, taking in the flavor, and then she gulped it down.

“Ahhh,” she cooed. “Much better than that yeasty stuff.”

“You don’t know what you’re missing,” Todd’s voice suddenly said from the chair beside me.

I nearly fell out of my chair in shock, and I looked down to see the bag on the floor had been unzipped and the imp was gone.

“Feeling better?” I asked the empty spot beside me.

“Obviously, bro,” Todd’s voice explained. “I just figured it’d be a lot easier to try and down a beer and eat this greasy food when I’m not in the bag. Unless you wanted to pour it all in at once and make me lap it up like a dog.”

“Of course not,” I reassured the imp. “I’m just glad to have you back.”

“Pass me that stout, Jakey,” Todd asked, “and those onion rings. Maybe they’ll offset the amount of wasted I’m about to get.”

“It’s only one beer, Todd,” Liby said with a chuckle.

“It was only six shots of tequila and Jaeger at the Velvet Lips, too,” Todd protested. “I never wanna get sick like that again. I think I’ve still got the taste of that back in my teeth somewhere.”

Cupi was holding an onion ring up to her mouth, but she instantly stopped when she heard Todd’s words. The succubus’ face grew disgusted, before she slowly pulled the onion ring away, lowered it down to her plate, and pushed it away.

“I’m going to need a minute,” she sighed.

I might have thought the same until I stared at the pile of onion rings in the large boat in front of us, and my stomach instantly reminded me we hadn’t eaten anything since before the convention.

Even from here, I could tell these things were freshly made. Each ring was a bright golden-brown color, with breading that looked like it was hand-made. They must have just come out of the fryer because the entire pile was glistening brightly even though the bar’s lighting was dim.

I reached over and picked up one of the onion rings, and my thoughts were confirmed. I could feel the warm grease from the fryer against my hand as I moved the appetizer toward my mouth and took a bite.

The breading of the ring crunched against my teeth, and the onion itself was perfectly crisp. As soon as the morsel was in my mouth, my eyes rolled back into my head, and I fell back against my chair.

“That good?” Liby asked curiously.

“Oh my God,” I retorted. “Words can’t even describe what’s going on in my mouth right now.”

“Sounds like a personal problem,” Todd giggled.

Libidine grabbed two or three of the smaller onion rings and shoved them into her mouth all at once. Then, the succubus made a sound I’d only heard her make during sex, and she reached out for another handful.

“See?” I asked. “I told you they were good.”

The largest ring in the basket raised into the air on its own and then disappeared into Todd’s spot with a spray of crumbs.

“Holy shit, bro,” Todd nearly moaned. “It’s like my mouth is having an orgasm.”

I looked over at Cupi and motioned for the succubus to take a bite.

“I guess if they’re that good, I can try to push Todd’s comments out of my mind,” the blonde sighed.

“If it helps, I could tell you something even grosser,” Todd suggested. “That’ll get your mind off the months-old tequila breath realll quick.”

Cupi shot up a hand in Todd’s direction. “Please stop talking,” she begged.

The blonde succubus grimaced, took a deep breath to clear her mind, and took a bite of the onion ring. Her eyes widened with surprise, and then her face contorted into a look of satisfaction. Cupi nodded approvingly as she finished off the rest of the morsel.

I reached out and grabbed my pilsner. Its color was fairly light, and I hoped that was an indication of its taste. I raised the glass to my lips, took a swig, and instantly realized I made the correct choice. The beer had a lighter flavor, but it was still bursting with hops. It was much less yeasty than the beers I was used to, and it was as smooth as ice going down. Before I knew it, I’d inhaled half the glass.

“I don’t know where these guys get their beer,” I mused, “but holy fuck, compliments to the brewer.”

Todd let out a massive belch, and I looked over to see his glass was completely empty. “Amen to that, bro,” he groaned through a mouthful of onion rings.

“Make sure we save some for Ira,” I reminded everyone. “She’s doing all the heavy lifting right now.”

“The only heavy lifting I’ll ever be doing is when I’ve got my hands around that massive warhammer of yours,” Ira’s voice cooed from my right.

The succubus walked up to the table and leaned against it playfully. “I don’t see a Devil’s Tonsil-Tickler anywhere in sight.” She sighed. “Do I need to go have a little talk with the bartender?”

“They were out of chili powder.” I shrugged and held out an onion ring. “Here, try one of these.”

Ira snatched the golden ring of grease out of my hand, held it up to the light, and examined it thoroughly. A curious frown spread across her face, and she shot me a look of confusion.

“How are you possibly supposed to use these?” she asked. “They’re all warm and greasy. That would be torture on your cock.”

I tried to stifle my laugh, but the Toddster could do no such thing. The imp’s mischievous cackle resonated throughout the bar and drew dirty looks from the other patrons.

“She--she thinks it’s a cock ring!” he snorted. “An edible cock ring!”

“Shhhh!” I commanded the imp.

“But … but, bro,” he snickered, “a cock ring … ”

“What else could it possibly be for?” Ira asked. “They come in all different sizes, and you handed me the biggest one. I figured you were finally popping the question.”

“Marriage?” I asked cautiously.

“Noooooo!” Ira shook her head violently. “Fucking.”

“Just--just eat the onion ring,” I said with an exasperated sigh.

Ira sniffed the morsel like a dog and then shoved the entire thing into her mouth at once. The succubus chewed for a moment and then swallowed, but her face remained stone-cold. Finally, Ira shrugged nonchalantly.

“It’s no roasted vargrat,” she muttered, “but I suppose it’s pretty good for Earth Realm food.”

“Hey, that just means more for us.” I grinned and grabbed another ring. “So, what did you find out, special agent Ira?”

“Psycho Slut,” Todd added. “Her code name is Psycho Slut.”

“That’s rude!” I hissed at the imp. “Ira is a beloved member of our team, don’t insult her like that.”

“Jakey, it was her idea,” he said with all honesty. “We talked about it back at the mansion when you guys were all knockin’ boots.”

I looked over at Ira, and she grinned.

“It’s true,” she explained. “I’m the Psycho Slut.”

“Uh … I’m still just gonna call you ‘Ira.’” I sighed. “What did you find out?”

Ira’s entire upper body slumped, and she let out a sigh. “I really wanted to be the Psycho Slut,” she complained, but then she stood back up straight. “Our waiter took them back into the freezer. They were in there for a few minutes, and then he exited without them. Which means--”

“Which means we’re dealing with a serial killer!” Todd interrupted. “It’s the perfect crime. Run a little bar out here in the middle of nowhere, kill innocent people passing through, hide their bodies in the freezer, and then serve them up to unsuspecting customers. Oh, God … the hamburgers are people!”

“Or … ” I rolled my eyes. “There’s a secret door or something in the freezer. We should go check it out.”

The five of us finished up our food and drinks and then headed over toward the back-of-house entrance. Both of the waiters we’d seen were busy helping other customers, and the bartender had all of his focus on the baseball game on the television screen. Now was the perfect time to investigate.

We slipped through the heavy black door and into the back of the bar.

I looked around at our surroundings and instantly realized this place was much grodier than it appeared. The ridged gray tile floors were all slimy from grease, and there were bits of old food scattered around on the ground. If that wasn’t enough, the entire back-of-house smelled distinctly of old cheese and yeast.

It was enough to make me want to hurl.

“There,” Ira pointed to the very back of the room. “That’s where they went.”

All the way against the back wall of the establishment was a large stainless-steel door with a thermometer built into the wall next to it. Above hung a sign that read, “Please keep door closed at all times!” This was definitely the freezer.

We walked up to the door, popped it open, and entered the sub-zero climate.

“Ahhh, this takes me back to my days as a fast food worker,” Todd mused longingly. “Those were definitely the good ‘ol days.”

“That was a little over a year ago,” I reminded my roommate. “You literally got fired from that job a few weeks before you bought the book that summoned these two.”

“It totally wasn’t my fault, bro,” Todd protested.

“You wouldn’t stop eating the food as it came off the line,” I explained.

“Exactly,” the imp continued as he turned visible. “They’re the ones who put a notorious stoner back where they make the burgers. What else did they think was gonna happen?”

Liby shushed the imp. “Do you hear that? It sounds like music.”

All five of us went silent and realized the dark-haired succubus was right. The frigid air around us was filled with the loud hum of the freezer unit, but there was also the slight pounding of a bass coming somewhere from inside the room.

The group spread out across the small unit and began to search diligently for the source of the music.

“Aha!” Cupiditas suddenly called out from across the freezer. “These tiles are loose. We just need to move this shelf and--”

Before the succubus could even finish her sentence, I called forth green Hellfire into my hands, encased the wire shelving unit, and slid it gracefully across the floor.

“Show off,” the blonde joked as she began to pull up the tiles.

Ira, Todd, Liby, and I joined Cupiditas right as she pulled loose the last tile. There, on the floor of the freezer, was a small latch.

“Secret door,” I grinned.

Cupi gave the latch a tug, and a small portion of the floor swung upward on a hinge. Below us was a modern-looking staircase that led down into a vibrant room full of flashing lights and loud electronic music.

“Clever girls,” Todd observed with an Australian accent.

I approached the stairs, nodded to my friends, and then began to descend.

We had a party to crash.

Chapter 11

Walking into this place was like sensory overload. Neon strobe lights were flashing alongside bright spotlights that shone all around the room. At the same time, hundreds of people were spread out between the dance floor and the bar area, and they murmured away as the music blared over their words.

“A speakeasy,” Todd observed as we walked down the stairs. “Out in the middle of nowhere. This was the perfect place for a secret demon party.”

“I didn’t think these sort of places still existed,” I pondered aloud as we hit the bottom of the steps.

“Bro, you really do still have a lot to learn.” Todd sighed. “It’s the hot new trend right now to have these ‘exclusive’ places where you can go to party without everybody and their brother knowing about it. Great for album drops, invite-only parties, shady meetings, and masked orgies. You know, shit like that.”

“One of those things is not like the other,” I protested.

“I agree,” Todd added. “Album drop parties are so 2005, bro.”

I surveyed our surroundings for signs of Tris and Gula, but the tall brunette and the short redhead were nowhere to be found.

Liby must have read my mind because she pointed up toward the mainstage. “I would imagine our sisters will be up there at some point tonight,” she explained.

“Especially if they want to address their ‘adoring fans,’” Cupi added, “but that could be hours from now, for all we know. I think we should split up and--”

Before Cupi could finish her sentence, Libidine placed a finger on her mouth. “You’re worrying too much, sister,” she said with a smile. “We’ve already found their party, and we know they’re here. Why don’t we just enjoy ourselves for a little bit? It looks like Gula and Tris have provided us with plenty to do.”

“But the mission … ” Cupi protested.

“The first half of our mission was to find Gula and Tris,” I explained. “I’d say ‘mission accomplished.’ We might as well enjoy the party until they reveal themselves.”

“Yay!” Libidine bounced up and down, and her massive breasts jiggled playfully. “I wanna go dance.”

“Alright,” I agreed, “but we need to meet back here at the first sign of Tris or Gula. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.” Liby giggled, and then she turned and ran toward the dance floor.

“Wait for meeeee!” Ira laughed as she chased after the curvy succubus.

I turned to face Cupi, who now was standing with her arms crossed and wore an annoyed look on her face.

“What?” I asked coyly. “Were you gonna tell her no? She was giving me the puppy dog eyes and everything.”

“I guess we do have time to kill,” Cupi sighed, “but what about the stuff upstairs in the freezer? Won’t they realize something is up?”

I just shrugged and laughed. “So we found their secret party. What are they gonna do, call the cops and tell them somebody crashed their cult-recruiting party? Warn Gula and Tris that a bunch more people wanted to attend their gathering? We’ll be fine.”

“Is that an imp?” a woman’s voice exclaimed from behind me.

Oh, fuck.

I turned around, prepared to defend myself. Instead, I was greeted by a group of twenty-something women who all wore expressions of glee.

“I’ve always wanted to meet a real imp before!” one of them squealed. “Do you work for Azazel, too?”

Todd pretended to adjust a bowtie on his neck and then stepped forward.

“Of course not, lovely ladies,” he explained. “I’m currently employed by the Cult of Ralston.”

“It can talk!” another woman in the group exclaimed. “What else can you do?”

“That’s for me to know, and you to find out.” Todd winked.

“We want to know everything,” one of the women cooed as she stepped forward and held out her hand.

Todd looked over at me, and I gave him an approving nod. The imp reached out and grabbed the woman’s hand with his own tiny mitt. Before he could react, the woman swept Todd up into her arms and hugged him close to her chest.

I couldn’t see the imp’s face, but I could bet he was on cloud nine.

“I’ll tell you all about it, girls,” Todd’s muffled voice explained as the group began to walk away. “It all started with me and my sidekick, Jakey…”

“He’s definitely loving this.” Cupi chuckled.

“I don’t blame him.” I shrugged. “These people here are all open-minded enough to believe in demons and cults, so seeing an actual imp is like a special treat to them.”

“I just hope Todd makes good choices,” the blonde said with a sigh. “I’d hate for Sia to have to treat him for herpes or something like that.”

“Todd will be okay,” I promised. “He’s made much, much worse decisions. Come on, let’s go dance or get a drink or something.”

I reached out toward the succubus, but she was being a tough nut to crack, well, for a succubus anyway.

Finally, she smiled and placed her palm into mine. “Fine,” she conceded. “You win. Let’s go grab a drink. I’m already a little tipsy from the wine, but I could use something a little bit stronger.”

“Hmmm,” I pondered as we headed toward the bar to the right of the dance floor. “Have you ever had a martini? Or a tequila sunrise? That sounds like it’s right up your alley.”

“Isn’t tequila what made Todd get sick?” Cupi asked cautiously.

“Moderation is key,” I pointed out with a raised finger. “You’re not going to be throwing back six shots of hard liquor like our little friend did.”

We continued on until we finally came to the large black-and-gray structure that acted as the bar of this “club.” This entire place was hopping with people, but the bar was fairly empty. These people must have been more of a “grab and go” type of drinker.

The blonde and I hoisted ourselves up into the soft leather stools, and then I signaled for the bartender.

“The lady would like to try a Tequila Sunrise,” I ordered. “With Patron, if you could. I’ll do a glass of Johnnie Walker Blue Label, neat, of course.”

The man behind the counter nodded and then turned to create our concoctions.

“What’s in a Tequila Sunrise?” Cupi asked. “I’d really hate to have to send the drink back. That’d be rude.”

“You’ll love it,” I promised. “It’s just tequila, orange juice, and grenadine.”

The blonde looked at me with a puzzled expression.

“It’s a syrup that’s kinda sweet and tart, almost like a cherry flavor,” I explained.

“Hmmm.” Cupi rubbed her chin playfully. “It does sound pretty amazing.”

“You don’t have to take my word for it.” I pointed behind the succubus. “Here it comes right now.”

Our bartender slid both of our drinks down in front of us, and in response, I slid him a ten-dollar bill. The man looked at the money on the table in shock, scooped it up into his hand, and then gave me a large smile and a nod.

I raised the short whiskey glass to my nose and gave it a quick sniff. I’d had Johnnie Walker Blue Label a few times before, but I couldn’t help but take in the entire experience every time. After all, I’d been dirt poor before, and if I wasn’t careful, I could easily be dirt poor again.

I just needed to enjoy the high life as long as I could.

The cool glass hit my lips, and I tipped it back excitedly. As soon as the whiskey hit the inside of my mouth, my entire body was engulfed in ecstasy. The flavor of the rich and smokey liquor traveled down my throat and made my entire body feel warm. As much as I wanted to chug the entire glass of the heavenly drink, I stopped myself.

Moderation was key, after all.

“That shit is incredible,” I mused to the succubus. “How is yours?”

“I shouldn’t have doubted you,” Cupi admitted. “I might just enjoy this even more than wine.”

“Be careful,” I warned and took another sip of my whiskey. “I’m not sure how it works with demons, but tequila can make humans do some really weird things.”

“Such as?” Cupi grinned.

“There’s an old saying,” I explained. “When you drink too much tequila, you’re gonna wanna do one of two things, fight or fuck.”

The blonde succubus’ violet eyes lit up at my words, and she took another big gulp of the drink. She downed half the glass with a single gulp, and then sat it back down on the table and wiped her mouth with her arm.

“Why didn’t you say so sooner?” she asked playfully and raised her arm. “Those are my two favorite things in life. Bartender, I’ll--”

“Whoa, whoa.” I gently lowered the succubus’ arm. “Let’s slow it down there. As much as I’d love for this whole mission to go smoothly, the last thing we need if shit hits the fan is a drunken warrior. For all we know, Aruna’s still hot on our trail.”

The blonde looked at me, unconvinced. “She’s swimming somewhere down the Colorado River,” she scoffed. “Maybe she’s even halfway to the ocean by now.”

“That would be the tequila talking.” I snickered. “I wouldn’t count out Aruna. I’m sure all we did was inconvenience her for a little bit.”

“She really is amazing, isn’t she?” The blonde smiled and raised her eyebrow. “Maybe when all is said and done, she will want to join our group, too.”

It took me a moment to register what Cupi was getting at.

“What?” I feigned ignorance. “I don’t--I’m definitely not into her.”

“That’s not what I’m seeing,” the blonde said with a sly grin. “I don’t blame you one bit. She’s really beautiful, she’s resourceful, and she can kick your ass. What more could you want in a woman?”

“Not trying to kill us at every turn, for starters.” I sighed and finished off the glass of smooth whiskey. “That’s a kinda big turn off.”

“She’s only trying to kill us because we keep getting in her way,” the blonde explained. “The Rakshasa may be assassins for hire, but they are a noble race. They don’t take sides unless they are specifically paid to do so. Hell, their code even has a clause in it that states a Rakshasa can yield to their opponent if they feel like they are about to be defeated. They really don’t want to be involved with anyone or anything unless it’s part of their job.”

“What, like a poison pill in their contract?” I asked.

Cupi shrugged. “Something like that,” she mused. “It’s not a clause that’s used frequently. For obvious reasons, people who tangle with a Rakshasa generally don’t live to talk about it afterwards.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” I admitted with a somber nod.

“Bro!” I heard Todd’s voice call over to us.

I turned and saw the imp was a few feet away, still with the same group of women that had swept him up earlier. The imp was now sitting atop some brunette’s shoulders, and he wore colorful mardi gras beads around his neck and held a handful of cocktail shrimp in his hand.

“Bro, this party is totally off the hook!” he called out over the music. “They’re giving out free food and shit over there. There’s even a fucking taco bar, bro. A taco bar!”

“I’m not losing you to Gula and Tris, am I?” I joked.

“Of course not, Jakey.” Todd grinned as he popped one of the shrimp into his mouth. “You’ll always be my number two.”

“Number two?” I asked curiously.

“No offense, bro,” the imp explained, “but I always put myself first. Therapist’s orders. Now, if you’ll excuse us, the night’s still young!” Todd pointed in the direction of the dance floor, and the group around him made its way toward the flashing lights.

I just looked over at Cupi, and then we both shook our heads and laughed.

“He seems to be having a good time,” I observed.

“That’s the name of the game, isn’t it?” Cupi said coyly. The blonde tipped her cup back, finished off the rest of her tequila sunrise, and then grinned.

“Oh dear,” I snorted, “you’re tipsy, aren’t you?”

Cupi leaned over toward me and nearly fell off her seat. The succubus caught herself on my chest, and then she began to run her hand tenderly up and down my torso.

“That’s for me to know, and you to find out.” She winked.

“Oh yeah,” I laughed. “You are tipsy.”

“I’d like a tip in me,” she purred. “Then I’d like the shaft spearing me.”

“Hmmm.” I quickly surveyed the underground club to see if there was possibly any place for us to slip away for a minute or two. Our options were pretty scarce. Just a surely-disgusting bathroom and a few dark corners that were already full of drunk people making out.

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the DJ’s voice booming over the loudspeaker.

“Lllllaadies and gentlemen,” the man behind the spinning discs exclaimed. “Please welcome to the stage two of the most stunning women this side of the Mississippi, your gracious hosts, Gina and Tristina!”

The crowd erupted into cheers as the tall brunette and curvy redhead waltzed out onto the stage. They were both doing the “queen wave” at their adoring fans as they walked, and I could tell both of the succubi were absolutely loving all the attention they were receiving.

Both women were now in much more casual attire than they had worn earlier in the day.

Gula was in a skin-tight black dress that looked like it was about to explode at the seams around her chest and waist. The neckline plunged all the way down to her bellybutton, and it was a miracle her massive breasts were able to stay in place. It was a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen.

Meanwhile, Tris had changed into a gorgeous, purple strapless dress. The lacy pattern wrapped around her toned chest, with holes strategically placed to show off just enough of her cleavage to remain classy. The violet gown flowed down to the brunette’s knees, leaving her long, slender legs exposed. She was wearing diamond earrings that glimmered under the bright lights, and a dark shade of lipstick nearly the same color as her purple eyes.

Tris grabbed the microphone from the DJ and held it up to her violet-colored lips.

“Helllloooo, everyone!” the succubus hyped up the crowd. “How are we doing tonight?”

The people screamed, but Tris just looked at Gula and shrugged. The curvy redhead snatched the mic away from her sister and then shook her head.

“That was weak,” she taunted. “Let’s try again. How are we all doing tonight?”

This time, the roar of the crowd was almost deafening. Gula most definitely had a knack for being on-stage.

“That’s more like it!” The succubus laughed. “Now, Tristina and I wanted to come up here and make a few announcements before this party gets too out of control. Which I promise you, it will.”

The people in the club responded with whistles and hollers, and the redhead grinned devilishly.

“But before that happens,” Gula continued, “I’d just like to say I believe we have an intruder in our midsts. Five of them, most likely.”

Boos and sneers rose up from the crowd, and I clenched my fists and prepared for the worst.

“Now, now,” Gula shushed the group. “They may be part of our rival cult, but they’re still our guests. Besides, they’re not a threat. I know the Cult of Ralston, and they wouldn’t harm a fly unless it was working for Lucifer, and even then, they wouldn’t do jack shit unless it was trying to kill him.”

“She’s putting you on blast, bro!” Todd warned from across the room. “You want me to kick her ass?”

I shook my head at the imp, and he responded with a thumbs up.

Tris leaned into the microphone. “No, we’re just going to let you, our humble friends, decide who you want to serve. Jacob will make you work. He’ll make you put your life on the line for his own selfish gains. I’ve even heard that he forces all the women in his cult to sleep with him!”

Gasps murmured through the crowd, but I shook my head in annoyance.

“Well, that’s just not true,” Cupi muttered. “Jane’s the only mortal you’ve slept with so far, and she did so of her own free will.”

“Unless the ol’ Ralston charm is considered one of my magical abilities,” I sighed, “you’re right.”

“Azazel, on the other hand?” Gula was now speaking again. “He has generously given you all of these luxuries. Free food, wild parties, all the alcohol you could ever want or need. And what, may I put forth, does he ask in return?”

The redhead waited a moment for dramatic effect.

“Nothing but your gratitude and support!” she finished.

“And blood oaths and orgies,” I grumbled under my breath.

“Now,” Gula asked, “which of these sounds like the better deal to you?”

“Azazel!” The crowd responded in one voice.

“Say it again!” the redhead implored.

The entire makeshift club was now filled with chants of “Azazel! Azazel!” It was enough to make me sick to my stomach.

Gula scanned the crowd until she finally found me. The redhead’s angry eyes met with mine, and they narrowed in victory as a sly grin slid up her face. The succubus raised the microphone back to her mouth.

“That’s right,” she continued without breaking eye contact. “Azazel is your master now. Jacob Ralston is a fake, a fraud. He’ll never be superior to the King of the Fourth Circle, or any demon lord for that matter.”

“Alright,” Tris chuckled awkwardly as she pulled the mic away from Gula. “It’s getting a little intense in here, so I think I’m gonna let Gina cool off for a minute. One more announcement, and then we will let you get back to your sinful pleasures.” She cleared her throat. “The party doesn’t stop here! Our master has so graciously rented out a nightclub back in Phoenix, and we’ll be throwing another one of these massive celebrations there tomorrow night! You all know how to find us, right?”

The crowd screamed with glee at the brunette’s words.

“Now, go have a great time, and we’ll hope to see you all again tomorrow,” Tris finished. “Ave Azazel!”

“Ave Azazel!” the spectators repeated.

Tris and Gula gave the crowd another wave, and then they slunk off the stage. The second they were gone, the DJ resumed his playlist.

“That was intense,” I muttered to Cupi. “Your sisters know how to play the crowd, and they certainly have a way with words, that’s for sure.”

“Gula was always one for theatrics,” the blonde succubus mused. “Tris, on the other hand, has a way with words. That’s what happens when you’re too lazy to fight, you find a way to talk yourself out of situations. You become a great bullshitter.”

“Something I can relate to.” I smiled.

“It’s also something that might come in handy if we really want to convince these people to denounce Azazel.” The tipsy succubus shrugged.

“How are we gonna do that?” I sighed. “Not that I’m against trying, but Gula painted a pretty shitty picture of us up there.”

Cupi placed her hand on my shoulder and looked intensely into my eyes.

“Exactly, Jacob,” she prompted me. “She painted a shitty picture that is nothing like you at all. We know she’s lying, now, we just need to show all these people she’s lying.”

“And how are we gonna--” I started.

“Jakey!” Todd’s voice cut me off. “Why aren’t you out there partying?”

The imp and his group of friends approached us at the bar. Todd was now wearing a pair of novelty sunglasses and a comically large, pink, tiger-striped top hat. In his hand was possibly the largest joint I’d ever seen.

“Hey there, Todd Dogg.” I laughed.

The imp tossed up a hand in protest. “It’s ‘Todd Lion’ now, thank you.” He snickered and took a puff. “Why aren’t you out there on the dance floor? Or at least chowing down at the taco bar? Did you know these guys even sprung for an adult ball pit?”

“An adult ball pit?” I questioned.

“Yeah.” The imp grinned. “It’s like a kids’ ball pit, but with a lot more drugs, alcohol, and nudity! I’m still pretty sure I found a dirty diaper in there, though … ”

“To answer your question,” I said as I ignored Todd’s words, “I’m trying to figure out how to convince all these people they should join us, and not Azazel.”

“Wait, Todd,” one of the women in Todd’s group said as her eyes grew wide. “You work for Jacob Ralston?”

“Well, ‘work for’ is a matter of opinion,” the imp sounded offended. “But yes, Jakey and I here are buddies.”

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” the woman implored. “You’ve made this party so much more fun than it would have been without you.”

“Aww, shucks.” Todd kicked at the ground bashfully.

The brunette woman of the group walked over in front of me, got down on one knee, and then looked back at her friends. “I don’t know about the rest of you girls, but I’d much rather serve Jacob and Todd than some demon I’ve never even met before,” she explained.

“You don’t have to do that.” I chuckled and motioned for the brunette to stand up. “I’m really not comfortable with all that ‘Master’ bowing shit.”

The woman looked at me up and down. “Is it true?” she asked coyly. “Do you really make all the women in your cult sleep with you? It’s a risk I think I’m willing to take.”

“No, no,” I flirted back. “I don’t do that, either, but I am always open to the possibility, though.”

The brunette stood up and shot me a wink. “Maybe after I get to know you a little,” she giggled.

The next thing I knew, the rest of the group that was partying with Todd approached. One by one, they gave me a little bow and swore their allegiance. Once all was said and done, our cult was ten members larger, and Azazel’s was ten members smaller.

“Hey Todd,” I suggested to my friend, “do you think you could go out and do whatever you just did with another group of people? It worked like a charm.”

“Bro,” Todd said with an offended tone. “You know the Toddster is always down to share the love.”

The imp whistled to the girls, and one of them scooped him up in her arms and placed him onto her shoulders. “Let’s go, girls.” Todd pointed back toward the crowd. “Imp Pimp, awwwwaaaaayyy!”

The group was giggling as they walked away, back out to see if they could recruit more people for our cause.

“So Todd is working the floor.” I nodded to Cupi. “Let’s go see if we can get Ira and Liby in on the action.”

The blonde succubus and I slid out of our seats and then headed out into the chaos.

Somehow, the music was even louder once we stepped onto the black vinyl tiles of the dance floor. All around us, people were crammed together and moved their bodies in time to the beats that blasted over the speakers. Trying to navigate through was almost as difficult as trying to shove a marble through a can of sardines.

It didn’t take us long to find Ira and Liby. The two dark-haired succubi were at the very center of the club, and they had amassed a large crowd around them.

Once we got a little bit closer, I could see why.

Ira and Liby were dancing like they didn’t have a single care in the world. They flipped their hair back and forth as they danced to the beat, and they would occasionally gyrate their hips in time with the beat drops. The two raven-haired women ground their bodies up against each other in a seductive-yet-playful way.

Cupi and I just stood there for a moment, hypnotized by the succubi’s moves. Finally, I cleared my head and walked up to Liby.

“Jacob!” she grinned and pulled me in close. “I knew you’d come to join us!”

“I just wanted to talk to you about--”

Ira slapped her hand against my mouth and made a shushing sound.

“We’re way ahead of you, my friend.” The crazy-eyed succubus smiled. “Why do you think we’re putting on such a show for the crowd?”

“And now that you’re here,” Liby added slyly, “it’s time for the grand finale.”

Ira stopped dancing and addressed the people around her.

“Everyone,” she yelled, “do you know who this is? It’s Jacob Ralston! The man who those two women up on the stage claim you shouldn’t follow. The one who is supposedly going to ‘make you work for his own selfish reasons.’ Now, I ask you, does this look like an old fuddy-duddy to you?”

As Ira pulled her politician magic on the crowd, Cupi sauntered up and joined us. The Sister of Wrath continued to talk, but I really didn’t care what she was saying. Instead, I was focused on the two sexy women who were now dancing with me.

Both of the girls ground their perfect bodies against my own as they moved in time to the music. Libidine rubbed her curvy ass directly against my crotch, and it took everything in my power to keep from ripping off her clothes right then and there. Meanwhile, Cupi ran her slender hands all around my body from behind.

Ira’s rousing speech must have been working on the crowd because our audience was growing larger and larger.

“Why would you follow the hideous demon Azazel when you could follow this gorgeous man instead?” the succubus continued. “I worked for Azazel for centuries, and I can tell you how miserable it was. My friends, don’t be fooled by the empty gestures of the King of the Fourth Circle, for you will be paying for them later. Meanwhile, every man wants to be Jacob Ralston, and every woman I’ve ever met wants to be with him!”

The crowd cheered at Ira’s words, and I started to wonder if we actually were onto something.

Suddenly, there was a record screech, and the music stopped. The three of us stopped dancing and looked toward the stage.

There, standing behind the DJ booth, was Todd and his group of new friends. The imp was still decked out in his ridiculous outfit as he sat atop one of the women’s shoulders, and she handed the microphone up to him.

“Hey there, dudes and dudettes,” Todd addressed the crowd. “It’s your friendly neighborhood Toddster. Who wants to kick this party up a notch?”

The crowd responded with a mix of gasps, murmurs, and some cheers.

“Say it with me now,” the imp started. “Ja-cob Ral-ston!”

After saying my name, the imp and his group of friends clapped three times and then repeated the chant. The group around us on the dance floor answered back enthusiastically by mirroring the cheer. Soon, the entire club was getting into it.

I couldn’t help but smile at the sound of hundreds of people chanting my name. Sure, it was great to be worshipped and all, but it felt even better to be applauded.

“Who wants to join the Toddster and his crew and swear their allegiance to Jakey?” the imp asked. “All of our adventures are optional, and we offer dental.”

“Uh--” I raised my hand to correct the imp, but he continued.

“Best of all, we won’t force you to travel to Hell or murder innocent people in cold blood like Azazel will,” he explained. “That’s a real dick move if you ask the Toddster.”

The crowd booed, but I couldn’t tell if it was directed at Todd or Azazel.

Suddenly, there was a flash of red Hellfire, and Todd’s body was sniped off the stage. The imp tumbled through the air, smashed into the back wall like a cartoon character, and then slid down out of sight.

I whipped around to see Tris and Gula standing on the dance floor behind us. The brunette succubus still had the remnants of red Hellfire glowing in her hands.

“How do you put up with that thing all the time?” Gula growled.

I took a fighting stance and summoned Hellfire into my hands. “That ‘thing’ is my best friend,” I hissed at the two succubi, “and you’re gonna pay for what you just did to him.”

Tris stuck out her hand in front of her sister, and Gula lowered her spell.

“Don’t waste your energy on this mortal, Gula,” the brunette mused. “Let my friends take care of him and the traitors.”

“Please hear us out, sister,” Libidine begged. “We can help free you from Azazel’s--”

“Nobody escapes Azazel,” Tris scoffed. Then the brunette succubus pulled up the bottom of her dress and revealed her upper thigh. It was completely covered with scars that looked like they came from a variety of different weapons.

“I’d know better than anyone,” she said with a mournful sigh. “Even though you three and Sister Superbia think you’re free, you’re not. You’ll see.”

“Sister--” Ira started.

“Gula and I are just making the best of a terrible situation,” Tris interrupted, “but that all comes to a crashing halt if you keep stealing all of our followers.”

The brunette succubus’ hands began to glow with orange Hellfire.

I’d encountered this type of magic only once before, back at the graveyard where Azazel and I fought for the first time. It was a necromancy spell.

The floor of the club began to rumble, and then cracks began to form all throughout the faux wood and vinyl. There was a dull thumping sound, and then several hands punched through the floor of the nightclub and began to claw their way out of the ground. One by one, horrific creatures started to rise from the rubble.

Each of the monsters appeared to be human. At least, they appeared to have been human at one point in time. Their flesh was pale and decaying, and their clothes were covered with dirt and dust. Maggots crawled in and out of sponge-like holes in their skin, and some of them were missing whole limbs.

The entire nightclub was now filled with the stench of death and the ghastly moans of the creatures.

Tris smiled and raised her hands in our direction.

“Tear them apart,” she ordered her undead army.

Chapter 12

“Liby, go grab Todd,” I commanded the succubus as I drew the goat-headed dagger from my belt. A simple bit of thought brought forth the red Hellfire blade from its edge, and I prepared for the incoming assault of the undead.

The succubus nodded quickly as she jumped up into the air, summoned her wings, and then glided backward and out of sight.

People were screaming as they dashed toward the exit of the club, and they caused a traffic jam on the stairs as they pushed at each other like lemmings. All around, glasses shattered onto the floor and furniture was overturned by the panicked stampede.

One of the zombie fuckers was on me a second later, and I stabbed my blade into its eye socket. The creature wailed for a moment and then crumbled onto the floor. As it did so, I got a clear view off in the distance as Tris blew me a playful kiss, and then she and Gula dashed off into the crowd.

I didn’t have time to give chase because there were four more of the bastards headed in my direction. I threw up a purple cube of Hellfire around one of the monsters, lifted him into the air, and then started to use him as a makeshift hammer.

Blood, brains, and guts splattered across the vinyl dance floor as I bludgeoned the fuckers to death with their own comrade. Once I was finished with those three, I raised the cube into the air, closed my fist, and smashed the zombie inside. I released my spell, and a waterfall of gore fell to the floor. Then I twisted my head around to check on my friends, and I saw they were doing just fine.

Cupi incinerated one of our opponents with a massive fireball of red, and then she roundhouse-kicked another zombie’s head clean off.

Meanwhile, Ira was giggling with glee as she melted the rotting flesh off the creatures with her acidic fire.

“These guys aren’t that tough,” Cupi mused.

“No,” I agreed, “but there are a fuckton of them. It looks like Tris is going for a war of attrition.”

“Then we’ll just have to kill them all!” Ira cackled. “One by one, in the most fun and brutal ways possible!”

“Have I mentioned she scares me sometimes?” I joked to Cupi.

A flash of pink Hellfire covered Ira’s body, and the succubus instantly separated into her two forms.

Instead of the casual attire she had been wearing before, Ira’s sub half was now in a skimpy leather outfit that barely covered up her goods. She wore a dog collar around her neck and a blindfold around her forehead. Her posture was timid, but the flaming whip in her hand was anything but.

Meanwhile, the dominant half of Ira was in a leather corset with a belt full of all sorts of BDSM goodies wrapped around her waist. The dom stood tall in her black spiked stilettos as she outstretched her hand and summoned her enchanted morning star.

“This is gonna be fun,” the dom cackled as she smashed in a zombie’s head with her morning star.

Another wave of the undead was headed toward Cupi and me, but we were ready.

“You know, a stationary target is much easier to hit,” I hinted to the blonde.

“Understood loud and clear, Jacob,” Cupi grinned.

The blonde succubus clapped her hands together and created a massive wave of blue Hellfire. The azure flames cascaded over the horde of zombies and immediately froze them into place, all in a nice and neat little line.

Just what I was hoping for.

I twirled my flaming sword, threw it directly at the group of zombies, and then caught it with my emerald fire. Using my telekinetic flames, I spun the sword in the air and redirected it in an arc-like pattern. The makeshift throwing star swooped around and tore through the rotten flesh of the zombies like a hot knife through butter. The heads of the monsters popped off like champagne corks, and their bodies crumpled.

My sword spun back around, and I caught the hilt in my waiting hand.

“I’ve got one,” Cupiditas offered and pointed at another wave. “What is that children’s game called? The Ground is Fire?”

“The Floor is Lava,” I corrected, “and I love that game.”

Cupi’s wings sprouted from her back, and then she darted up a few feet into the air. As soon as she hit her highest point, she unleashed a colossal fireball down onto the approaching undead. The instant the attack struck the ground, I tossed up walls of violet flames all around the fuckers.

The zombies screamed in agony as they beat at the walls of my prison, but they weren’t going anywhere. Cupi’s fire slowly but surely ignited their bodies and turned them into little more than piles of ash.

“Fore!” Ira called out, and then another crumpled zombie head shot over our position.

All of the zombies on the left side of the room had been taken care of, so Cupi and I whipped around to help out our comrades. Ira’s sub half was standing there yawning as the undead clawed and bit at her flesh.

“This is fucking boring,” she hissed. “I’ve had hamsters that bite harder than you!”

The sub brought her flaming whip upward, and there was a spray of gore as it sliced through the torso of one of the creatures. The succubus grabbed the face of another zombie and summoned turquoise Hellfire into her hands. The monster tried to scream as its skin and bone were melted off of its face, but all that came out was a gurgled whimper.

Ira’s dom half was faring just as well against the undead. The dom stabbed the top spike of her morning star into the forehead of a zombie, grabbed its jaw with her other hand, and then snapped it clean off its hinges. The zombie’s tongue flopped downward like a necktie, and then the succubus finished it off with a swift snap of the neck.

“Holy fuck,” I muttered. “I’m really glad she’s on our side.”

Ira’s two halves might have been making short work of the creatures, but she was only taking them out two or three at a time, and there were still at least thirty or forty more of the bastards.

Just then, Libidine zipped past the horde and tossed down a handful of enchanted yellow daggers into the crowd. A few of the zombies were pinned to the ground by the glowing daggers but the rest continued onward.

Liby landed next to Cupi and me with an unconscious Todd still in her arms.

“Please tell me he’s alright,” I begged the succubus.

“He’ll be fine,” Liby confirmed and then threw another handful of spears. “Thankfully it was sister Tris who hit him, not Gula. The Sister of Gluttony is notorious for her powerful attacks. She always likes to say ‘go big or go home.’”

“I get it,” I retorted as I readied my sword. “Succubus of Gluttony and all that. Liby, I want you to get Todd and all these innocent people out of here. Any goodwill we can get out of these people is a victory against Azazel.”

“I’ll get them to safety!” The dark-haired succubus nodded. Then Liby turned around and began to run toward the people who were still struggling to get through the exit.

“Cupi,” I turned to the fit blonde, “I want you to cover me. I’m going in for some hand-to-hand combat.”

A sly grin spread up Cupiditas’ face. “Of course,” she confirmed. “I’ve got your back, Jacob.”

The surviving zombies were now about twenty feet away from us.

I held my sword down in a fighting stance and charged at the fuckers. As I ran, blasts of red Hellfire rocketed past my head. Ira’s two halves took out the first few zombies on the left and right, and a few of them fell to Cupi’s searing-hot Hellfire.

But there was still plenty of undead left for me.

The second I was within reach of the fuckers, I began to slice through their spongy flesh like it was wet cardboard. Crimson blood splattered through the air as arms, legs, and heads were severed from their bodies. Screams of pain beat at my eardrums as the monsters were cut down violently.

Then, as soon as it had begun, it was over.

I stood amongst a pile of dead corpses, and I panted heavily as I surveyed the battlefield.

“Awwww,” Ira’s sub sighed. “You didn’t leave any more for us.”

“So much blood,” the dom gasped. “So much violence and aggression. I’m so fucking wet right now.”

“Escape now, fuck later,” Cupi interrupted. “It looks like there are still people trying to escape.”

The blonde was right. Over by the stairs, there was still a massive crowd of people screaming and trying to shove their way to the front of the line. The four of us ran over to the foot of the stairs and glanced up at the gridlock.

Libidine was still there at the bottom with Todd in her arms. “They’re refusing to move,” she explained. “Something about the door upstairs being locked from the outside.”

“Then I’ll just have to make them move,” I growled and raised my hands in front of me. I summoned emerald fire into my hands, tossed it around the crowd of people, and then gently moved them off to the side.

“Parting the Green Sea,” Todd chuckled weakly as the five of us dashed up toward the exit.

Once we reached the door of the walk-in freezer, I tried to give it a push with my body. Instead of knocking down the door, I felt a searing hot pain shoot through my arm.

“Yeow!” I yelled and grabbed my burning arm with my free hand.

“Jacob, are you okay?” Libidine said, nearly in tears.

“I’ll be fine,” I reassured the succubus, “but the door is fucking hot.”

“Really?” Ira’s sub asked excitedly. “Let me try!”

The Sub dashed past us and threw her entire body into the door, spread-eagle. There was a warm sizzling sound, and she began to tense up.

“Oh my god, it’s like seven-hundred degrees,” she moaned. “I fucking love it!”

“B--bro,” Todd’s weak voice offered. “There’s always an emergency release in these things. You know, just--just in case managers get locked in during a robbery or shit like that.”

The imp raised a fragile arm and pointed behind a pile of hamburger boxes. “It--it should be over there,” he explained.

I patted the injured imp on the head calmingly. “Thanks, buddy. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

I moved a few more people out of my way with a flash of jade fire, and then I ran to the release lever. It was a small metal mechanism with a rubberized yellow tip on the end, attached to what I assumed was a pulley system. I grabbed the lever and yanked downward. There was a mechanical popping sound, and then another door directly next to the lever swung open.

Right into a giant wall of roaring flames.

I tossed up a barrier of purple Hellfire before the inferno could enter the freezer, and then turned back to my friends in a panic.

“They fucking set the whole place on fire!” I yelled.

All of the innocent people began to scream in terror, and some of them tried to push forward toward the door. Luckily, the succubi were there to keep them at bay.

“Jacob,” Cupi called from across the room, “you’re going to have to teleport us all out to safety.”

“I--I don’t know if I’m that powerful,” I admitted. “I’ve never teleported this many people before.”

“You’re going to have to try,” Ira’s dom added. “If you don’t, we’re all going to be burnt to a crisp.”

“That sounds loveeellyyy!” the sub cackled.

Ira was right. I needed to do something, or we were all going to die. I knew I was strong enough to teleport Todd and the succubi to safety without any issues, but then the rest of these innocent people would be left to burn.

“I believe in you, Jacob,” Libidine’s sweet voice begged from afar.

I couldn’t let them down. I had to do this.

My eyes slammed shut, and I instantly began to think about this entire situation. Tris and Gula set this entire bar ablaze in the hopes that it’d kill us. They didn’t care about the innocent people who were caught in the crossfire, even though these people were cheering for the evil succubi and their master just an hour ago.

I felt a mixture of disgust and rage boiling deep within the core of my soul.

“Jacob, you’re doing it!” Libidine gasped.

I opened my eyes and saw I was now floating a foot or two in the air, completely surrounded by emerald fire. Without breaking my spell, I tossed out my left hand and channeled a beam of green Hellfire directly into the crowd.

The spell struck the man standing closest to us, and then quickly spread out through the shocked gathering of people. The metallic walls of the freezer room danced with the brilliant glow of emerald as the telekinetic spell snaked down the stairs. I held it for a few more seconds, just to make sure it had caught everybody who was trapped in here with us.

Then, it was show time.

I closed my eyes once again and focused. Then I pictured the safety of the parking lot outside and the beautiful tapestry of stars that hung in the cold desert night. I pictured my friends, the civilians, and me standing on the hard pavement, far away from the harm of the roaring flames.

There were a few gasps, and then I felt my body become as light as a feather. At the same time, the green Hellfire in my left hand grew heavy from the strain of my spell.

I let out a primal grunt of frustration. These people were not going to die. Not on my watch.

As I continued to scream, my body lost all feeling. This wasn’t a numbness or a “pins and needles” type of feeling like you’d get from sleeping on your arm for too long. I recognized this feeling. It was the feeling that accompanied traveling through space and time.

I just hoped all of these innocent bystanders were coming along for the ride.

An instant later, I felt the cold breeze of the night wind against my face, and I opened my eyes.

Roaring flames already engulfed the top half of the saloon, and thick black smoke billowed out from nearly all of its windows. Cupi, Liby, both of Ira’s halves, and Todd were all standing in front of me. Just as importantly, so was the rest of the crowd.

The adrenaline finally wore off, and a sudden wave of exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks. I started to collapse, but Cupi and Ira’s sub caught me before I hit the ground. The two succubi lifted me back to my feet delicately.

“Jacob Ralston, you’re my hero,” Todd said weakly from Liby’s arms.

The people from the club looked like they were still trying to process what the fuck was going on. They looked back and forth between the flaming building and me, and then back to their own bodies in awe. Then, from somewhere out in the crowd, there were the beginnings of a clap. It started off with a single grateful citizen but quickly spread through the crowd until the entire group was applauding.

“Ja-cob! Ja-cob!” they chanted in unison.

“I think my heart’s about to grow three sizes,” I joked as Cupi and the sub helped me walk to Shadow.

“Should I wipe their minds?” Liby asked from behind.

“No,” I said with a shake of my head. “I want them to remember what happened here today. I want them to remember that Azazel’s minions turned on them the second they weren’t useful to him anymore, and, more importantly, I want them to remember who saved them.”

“That way, they’ll join us, and not Azazel,” Cupi continued.

“Exactly.” I smiled and hoisted myself into the driver’s seat. “I think our cult may have just become a few hundred members larger.”

“What if they try to tell people what happened?” Ira’s dom half asked as she slid into the middle of the back seat. “It’s no good for our political career if rumors get out of us fighting off zombies in an occultist gathering.”

I turned around and looked at the succubus with a raised eyebrow.

“Are you even hearing yourself right now?” I chuckled. “Do you really think anyone’s gonna believe Maggie Franklin, the ex-wife of a disgraced politician and a current candidate for public office, is out here fighting zombies in a leather dominatrix outfit?”

The succubus just shrugged. “You’d be surprised what people will believe,” she explained. “Especially when it comes to politics. Take our imp friend, for example.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “but nobody ever believed Todd when he talked about his conspiracy theories, even if most of them turned out to be true. You’ll be fine ‘Maggie.’”

Ira’s sub slid into the seat beside the dom and nuzzled in close. The dom rolled her eyes, called forth a spell of pink Hellfire, and then the two bodies fused back into one. The newly-formed Ira smiled and leaned back in her seat.

“I hope my two halves didn’t get into too much trouble.” She winked.

Liby gently set Todd down into the seat beside me and helped buckle him in. A second or two later, the dark-haired succubus opened the rear door and hopped in beside her two sisters.

I turned the key, kicked the injured Shadow into gear, and pulled out onto the main road. As we drove down the empty streets of the small Nevada town, I saw the flashing lights of fire trucks up ahead. The emergency crew was headed in the opposite direction, toward the burning saloon.

“Aw fuck,” Todd sighed from the passenger seat. “I--I think we left our duffel bag.”

“It’s okay, bro,” I reassured the imp. “It was just a bag, we can easily buy a new one.”

“It’s--it’s not the bag I’m worried--worried about, bro,” the recovering imp continued. “My Canadian Moose Tranquilizer was in there.”

“I’ll buy you some more weed, Todd,” I guaranteed the imp. “Highest-grade stuff, I promise.”

“Thanks, bro,” Todd mumbled, and then he laid back in his seat and passed out instantly.

“Shit,” I muttered and rubbed my eyes. “I think Todd’s got the right idea. I’m fucking exhausted.”

“I saw a hotel just a half-hour or so away from here,” Ira said slyly. “It has its own exit along the interstate and everything.”

“Oh?” I joked. “That must mean it’s fancy.”

“We could crash there for the night,” Ira suggested. “If you’re not up to the drive home, that is.”

“It’s only a few hours back to Phoenix--” I began.

“Oh, no.” Libidine giggled. “I think you are much too tired for that. We should stop at the hotel.”

“But Sia said--”

“Sia’s not here,” Cupi added. “Besides, a hotel room is like what? A hundred dollars a night? I’m with Liby and Ira. We shouldn’t risk some accident happening because we’re all tired.”

“We could all use the rest,” Libidine added.

I looked in the rearview mirror, and I could see the succubi were all secretly giggling like schoolgirls. I’d seen this kind of behavior from them once before, when Sia had first joined the group. I knew exactly what they were trying to do: they were acting as Ira’s wingmen.

Fuck it. If they were cool with Ira and me banging, I certainly wasn’t going to stop them.

“Sure.” I smiled. “Why not?”

Cupi and Libidine both let out a muffled squeal of glee, and Ira just bit her lip and stared at me from the back seat.

The other succubi had told me time and time again Ira was an animal in the bedroom, and everything I’d seen from her so far reiterated that idea.

What the hell was I getting myself into?

Chapter 13

Even though the hotel was only a half-hour away from the town we’d just left, it felt like hours before we finally arrived. I wasn’t sure if it was all exhaustion from the fight, or if it was partly the anticipation of what was to come.

We finally pulled up to the hotel at around eleven at night, and we were greeted by a large sign with the company’s logo that read, “Rooms- $80 per night.”

“We’re here, guys,” I announced to my friends as I pulled into a parking spot.

Todd had been sleeping soundly, and he gave me a dirty look as he groggily pulled himself to his feet. “You should know you never interrupt an imp during his beauty sleep. That’s how hands get thrown, bro.”

“Trust me, Todd,” I promised. “You’ll be sleeping in a nice comfy bed in a few minutes here. Doesn’t that sound much better than a leather seat in the cabin of a vehicle with a draft?”

Todd looked back at the succubi and then back at me. The light bulb must have gone off in his head because he grinned and nodded knowingly.

“I see what this is,” he observed. “You wanted a room so you could get kinky with the dominatrix over there.”

“That’s not--”

“Say no more, bro.” Todd waved away my protest. “Just one thing. Can I have my own room? I’m all for freedom of sexual expression and all that, but I’d like to get some shut-eye, and that’s gonna be hard to do with all the screams.”

“I would never subject Jacob to my more … devious talents,” Ira cooed. “Unless, of course, he wanted me to.”

“We’re just stopping because I’m tired, and I don’t want to crash and kill us all,” I explained.

“Uh huh,” Todd prodded as he turned invisible. “We all have powerful Hellfire magic, bro. I literally just got toasted by a blast of fire that was thousands of degrees hot, and I walked away perfectly fine. I’m sure a little car crash wouldn’t do too much damage. Unless there’s another reason you want to stay here … ”

I ignored the imp’s words and climbed up into the Jeep through the open roof.

The five of us slipped out of the car and headed toward the entrance of the hotel. Since this was an unplanned stop on our journey, we carried no bags to check or reservations to confirm. We just walked right up to the counter, reserved two single-bed rooms, exchanged credit card info for the keys, and headed to the elevator.

“This actually is pretty exciting,” Todd murmured. “It’s been a while since the Toddster’s had a king-sized bed all to himself. My bed back at the mansion is a queen. There’s barely enough room for an imp to slap the salami in that thing.”

“Uh--” I started to ask a question, but then thought better. “Actually, on second thought, I really don’t want to know.”

We took the elevator up to the fifth floor of the building and then headed toward our rooms.

“This is where I leave you,” Todd’s disembodied voice snickered at the door to room 503. “Good night and good luck, Mr. Ralston.”

“Actually,” Cupi interrupted, “if it’s not too much hassle, Liby and I were wondering if we could hang out with you for a little bit?”

“We could order some late-night snacks, watch the paranormal channel, and debate about the occult,” Libidine added. “We all know how much fun we have doing that.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Todd said in disbelief. “Am I hearing this right? You’d rather hang out and shoot the shit with me than go off and drain the love juice outta Jakey? Did I just enter bizarro world?”

Cupi’s mouth slid up into a devilish grin, and the succubus snatched the key card out of the invisible imp’s hand. “It’s just we know Jacob is so exhausted from his fight against Tris’ undead, and Ira’s mirror spells take a lot of energy out of her. We’d hate to bother either of them while they’re trying to sleep.”

“I see,” Todd retorted coyly. “Oh well, at least I get some free food and good company out of all of this!”

“Exactly.” Cupi smiled and then slid the keycard into the door. “What more could you ask for?”

The blonde succubus opened the door, stepped into the room, and then shot me a sly look. “We’ll be over later,” she flirted. “Don’t wait up for us.”

Libidine and, I assumed, Todd were quick to follow her inside. The door closed, and then Ira and I were left alone in the hallway.

The dark-haired succubus lifted her arms over her head and did an exaggerated yawn.

“Oh my,” she cooed. “I think my sisters are right. My mirror spells really took it out of me. Let’s go to bed, Jacob.”

My heart throbbed in my chest as the succubus held out her hand playfully. I took Ira’s hand, and she led me over to our room. The succubus slid in the key card, twisted the knob, and then pushed open the door.

As we stepped through the threshold of the room, my nostrils were hit with the distinct mix of cinnamon and chemical bathroom cleaner. Green and pink flowery wallpaper covered the walls, and in the middle of the hotel room sat a king-sized bed with pure white sheets. There was a small thirty-two-inch television on the orangish-brown dresser at the foot of the bed, and a picture of one of Nevada’s famous rock formations hung just above the headboard.

It wasn’t a five-star hotel, but it was far enough away from a roach motel that I really didn’t care. It would serve our purposes.

Ira released my hand. “I’ll be right back.” She winked. “Don’t go anywhere.”

Then the succubus slid into the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind her.

I made my way over to the bed and began to undress. My brain was pounding in my head as I slid my shirt over my shoulders and tossed it into the chair in the corner. I had to admit, Ira was so beautiful that the thought of making love to her had kept me awake ever since she’d joined us.

All I could think about was how, way back when I’d first met Libidine, she’d told me Sister Ira was a taste I “didn’t want to acquire.” I kept thinking about the way her sub and dom forms acted, wanting to be sadistically tortured or wanting to be the one to do the torturing.

I definitely wasn’t ready for that.

I sat down on the bed and pulled down my pants and underwear. As I finished undressing, I started to hear the metaphorical devil on my shoulder.

There was a stunning, beautiful, and intelligent woman who wanted me, and she was right there in the other room. Making love to her was going to make us both more powerful, and that would help immensely with our ongoing fight against Azazel. She wanted me, and I wanted her. What more was there to it?

I pulled myself under the covers and awaited Ira’s return.

“Ohhhh, Jacooobbbb,” Ira’s voice called from around the corner.

Then the succubus stepped out into the main portion of our room, and any doubt I had before went out the window in a flash.

Ira was standing there, completely naked. Her massive breasts clung to her slender torso, but they still stood up as perkily as they did in one of her dresses. It was almost as if they were held up by an invisible wire.

After ogling at her perfect breasts, my eyes were drawn downward, toward Ira’s toned abdomen. It was shaped into a “v-shape,” and her navel looked like it was sitting snug against her fit stomach. At the bottom of it all was her pussy which looked tight and inviting even from all the way over here.

The succubus’ skin seemed to glisten in the light as she strutted over to the bed.

“I see you’re all ready for bed,” the naked woman cooed.

Ira waltzed over to the foot of the bed, bent over, and then began to crawl up toward me.

I could feel myself get rock hard as the succubus’ breasts jiggled gracefully between her arms.

“Oh my,” she gasped playfully when she saw the lump in the sheets. “It looks like somebody had another idea?”

The dark-haired succubus looked up at me with her violet eyes, and then she reached up and began to rub my erection through the blanket. I let out a groan of pleasure as my dick got even harder.

Ira gasped and bit her lip hungrily. “You’re really enjoying that,” she cooed, “but I know what you’d like even more.”

The raven-haired demon crawled up to me and began to kiss my chest. She wrapped her hands around the edge of the blanket and then continued to press her lips against my body as she moved downward. Then she tugged the blanket off my lower body and exposed my massive erection.

“Holy fuck,” Ira gasped. “It’s even bigger than I remembered! Even better.”

The succubus cupped one of her hands tightly over my balls, and then shoved my entire cock into her mouth in one fell swoop. Ira’s eyes began to water as she pushed down further onto my dick until her warm lips touched down on the base. The dark-haired woman made a gagging sound, but her eyes told me she was on cloud nine.

I tensed up and grabbed the back of the succubus’ head. I’d never felt anything like this in my entire life, and it was fucking good. A loud moan escaped my lips to signal my satisfaction with her moves.

I must have gotten a rise out of the woman, because she instantly began to move her mouth up and down like a jackhammer. It looked like she was struggling each time she went down on my cock, but the more she did it, the more I realized it was all for show.

And it was working like a charm.

As she was blowing me, Ira reached up, grabbed one of my hands, and gave it a tug backward.

Was she telling me what I think she was telling me?

The succubus repeated the action, so I gave her hair a playful tug.

Ira’s eyes rolled back, and she let out a muffled groan. She kept pleasuring me like this for nearly thirty minutes, running her lips up and down along my cock as she made all sorts of noises to indicate her pleasure. Finally, she let my dick slide out of her mouth and looked up at me happily.

“Your stamina is almost as great as your cock,” Ira mused. “It looks like I’m gonna have to try another method.”

The succubus climbed up, straddled me, and then slid her wet pussy down on my throbbing erection.

I let out a moan of pleasure as she began to ride me.

Ira started out slowly, and she made sure to hoist herself all the way off before she slid leisurely back down. After she ground up and down on my dick a few times, the succubus started to go harder and harder. Soon, her pelvis was smashing against mine at a nearly violent pace.

This was fucking incredible.

The dark-haired woman shot me a sly look, and then stopped moving. “Now it’s your turn,” she commanded.

I began to sit up, but Ira shoved me back down onto the bed.

“I think you misunderstood,” she mused. “We’re not moving from this position. It’s just your turn to go through the motions.”

I instantly understood what the succubus was talking about, so I slapped my hands onto her hips. Then, I pushed Ira down onto my hard cock and thrust upward at the same time.

The succubus’ eyes rolled backward. “That’s it,” she moaned. “I want you to go as hard as you fucking can.”

I gladly obliged. I pounded Ira’s pussy from below, and the force of the motion caused her massive breasts to bounce up and down as we fucked.

Ira’s breaths quickened, and her eyes looked like they were permanently rolled up in the back of her head. She ran one hand against her breasts and one through her jet-black hair as she took my cock from above.

“That’s--that’s amazing!” she gasped over the sound of my thrusts.

The succubus’ entire chest became flushed with color, and she began to tug at her own hair in ecstasy. Finally, she held up a finger and motioned for me to stop. Ira’s warm body fell onto my chest, and she began to run a hand along my face as she nibbled at my neck.

I wasn’t going to stop completely, so I continued to thrust in and out of Ira gently as I held her in my arms.

The succubus looked up into my eyes, and then she rolled off the bed. Ira motioned me over with her slender finger, and then she bent and placed her upper torso on the foot of the mattress.

I didn’t need any further instructions.

I hopped off the bed, walked up behind the succubus, and slid into her from behind.

Ira’s ass was small, but it was about as tight as one could possibly hope for. It gave a slight bounce as I glided in and out of the succubus’ tight pussy, and I nearly lost it at that sight alone.

“Come on,” Ira begged. “I know you can do better than that!”

Challenge accepted.

I grabbed Ira around the waist and started to thrust into her as hard and as fast as my muscles would allow.

Ira let out a passionate moan and gripped the bed sheets tightly with her hands. Finally, her entire body tensed up, and she nearly screamed as she prepared to orgasm.

The sound of the succubus’ pleasure was enough to send me over the edge, and my cock exploded inside of her as we came at the exact same time. The climax was incredible, and my balls tensed almost half a dozen times as I kept shooting my load into her. My lover felt each of my climaxes through her own, and she let out a gasp when each new wave of sperm splashed into her womb.

“Wow,” I finally gasped as I slid out of Ira and sat down on the bed.

Both of us were panting heavily from the intense love-making, and Ira looked like she couldn’t move.

“You need some help?” I asked coyly.

“I--I don’t think I ever want to move from this position again,” she panted. “Fuck, I never want to leave this bedroom again!”

The succubus began to crawl forward toward the pillow. Once she was within striking distance, she let out a massive sigh, and then fell onto the pillow face-first.

I went to stand up, but I realized my legs were much too weak. Instead, I also flipped over onto my stomach and crawled up to where the succubus was laying. Then I slid under the covers, wrapped my arm around Ira, and pulled her in close.

“That was … intense,” I mused.

“That?” she giggled. “That was nothing. Maybe next time I’ll introduce you to my dom side. That’s intense.”

“Baby steps.” I chuckled. “Let’s stick to baby steps for now.”

Ira nuzzled her head into my chest, and the two of us laid there for a minute before we drifted off to sleep.

The next thing I knew, I was being awoken by a loud knock on our door. I sat up, rubbed my eyes, and looked over at the alarm clock on the dresser. Four in the morning.

Who the fuck could it possibly be at this hour?

I rolled out of bed, careful not to wake Ira, and headed to the bathroom. I quickly tossed on one of the complimentary white robes and then went to answer the door. There was the squeak of rusty hinges as the wooden divider opened.

“Hello, Jacob,” a familiar voice acknowledged.

There, in the hallway of the hotel out in the middle of the desert, stood the Archangel Raphael.

“Do you have a minute?” the man in white asked. “We need to speak of some urgent matters.”

Chapter 14

“Do you think we could go over to the other room?” I asked the Archangel who was standing in the hall. “Ira is tuckered out in there, and I’d hate to wake her.”

“Of course,” Raphael acknowledged. “Wherever is most comfortable.”

Laying next to the bed with the beautiful and slightly-crazed Ira was the most comfortable, but I wasn’t going to be rude to my surprise guest. I stepped through the door, rubbed my eyes, and then began to walk toward Todd’s room.

“I see you’re copying my fashion choices,” Raphael observed with a nod to my robe. “Now you just need to grow out your hair. We’ll make you a member of the Divine yet, Jacob Ralston.”

“Don’t count on it,” I warned as we approached our destination. “I’m in on all this because I want my friends to be free, and the only way that’s going to happen is by killing Azazel and the Seventy-Two Servants. Once that fucker is gone, we’re out of the whole ‘demon hunting’ shtick.”

The Archangel simply chuckled at my words. “We’ll see, Jacob,” he pondered. “We will certainly see. I know your type. You try to play the grizzled loner, but deep down, you want to do good.”

Finally, we arrived at Todd’s door, and I gave a slight knock.

“The only thing I want is for my friends and me to be left alone,” I reiterated.

The small brown door swung open to reveal Todd, who was standing in the doorway wearing the same bathrobe I was. It was comically large on the imp, and it’s lower half seemed to drag behind Todd’s body like the train of a wedding dress. Meanwhile, the arms of the garment were so droopy and wide they looked like something a pro wrestler from the eighties would have worn.

“Raphey!” the imp exclaimed when he saw the Archangel. “So nice of you to drop by.”

“It’s good to see you too, Todd.” The angel smiled.

“Ohmygosh.” Todd looked back and forth at Raphael and me, and then back to himself. “We’re in matching outfits! Now, all we need is a little logo up here, and we’d be a regular ol’ superhero team.”

“Easy there, Ric Flair,” I chuckled. “He’s just here to talk. These aren’t even our robes, anyway.”

Todd clapped his hands together over his head, brought them down, and let out his best “woooo!”

Almost instantly afterward, there was an angry pounding on the wall from the residents in the other room.

The imp just shrugged. “They’ve been doing that all night,” he explained. “These walls must be paper thin because all we’ve been doing is watching TV, and they’re still getting pissed off. Anyways, come on in!”

The second we entered Todd’s room, I could see why his neighbors were angry. The television must have been turned up to the highest setting because the sound of horrific screams greeted us the second we were through the door.

Cupi and Liby were both sitting at the foot of the bed with controllers in their hands. The succubi turned and waved briefly, but then they turned their attention back to their game.

On the screen was some sort of first-person shooter. The succubi’s characters were walking around in some sort of hellish landscape, blasting out demons’ brains with a shotgun. In the game, the enemy’s head would explode into a mist of red gore and brain matter as they were shot. Even after all the shit we’d seen, it was almost too real for my liking.

“Oh my lord.” Raphael put a hand over his mouth as if he were going to throw up. “Is this a snuff film?”

“Nonono.” Todd grinned. “This is Demonslayer Five: The Slayening Returns Again. It’s the baddest fucking video game ever made, probably because it’s so realistic!”

“We made it past that thing with the four heads,” Libidine explained. “I blew off his leg and then stabbed him in the dick with my bowie knife.”

Todd ran over and grabbed a third controller. “Atta girl, Lib!” he praised as he began to slay virtual demons alongside the literal demons in his room.

“It’s too realistic, if you ask me.” Raphael shook his head and turned away from the carnage. “Give me Mario Kart any day of the week.”

“There are video games in Heaven?” I asked in shock.

The Archangel gave me a strange look. “It’s Heaven, Jacob,” he explained. “We have anything and everything you could ever ask for.”

“Hey, I don’t know how it works,” I admitted. “I’ve only heard the girls’ descriptions of Hell, and it sounds terrifying.”

“It is.” Raphael shuddered. “I once led an army of Divine forces into the very pits of the damned. We only made it halfway into the First Circle before we suffered too many casualties and were forced back into our realm.”

“Damn,” I sympathized, “that sounds brutal.”

“That’s Baphomet for you.” Raphael sighed. “One of the most ruthless generals in Lucifer’s army, and his forces are the first ones you encounter.”

“Thankfully, we’re not going into the pits of Hell anytime soon,” I said with a chuckle.

Raphael’s face grew sullen, and my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach.

“Right?” I pleaded.

“That’s partly what I came here to talk to you about,” the Archangel answered. “I’ve received intel that Azazel is growing more and more panicked by the moment. Now that Tris and Gula, two of his last three succubi, are here on Earth, his back is against the wall. He’s apparently got Invidia, the Sister of Envy, locked up in a prison of brimstone and has thrown away the key.”

“Meaning?” I already knew the answer, but I wanted to hear it aloud.

The Archangel’s eyes met mine and narrowed. “Meaning the only way to finish this once and for all, as you so wish, is to go down into the Lake of Fire itself and retrieve Invidia.”

“That’s what I was afraid of,” I groaned. “Couldn’t we just convert Tris and Gula and then call it a day? I’d have six of his seven succubi, and Azazel would be stuck down in Hell where he belongs.”

Raphael shook his head somberly. “I’m afraid not. Invidia is the strongest of all his succubi. As long as she remains in his grasp, there is a chance Azazel could return to Earth Realm. Or worse, Heaven.”

I fell back into one of the chairs and buried my face into my hands.

“Fuck!” I shouted in frustration.

There was a distinct pausing sound from the main area of the hotel room.

“Are you alright, Jacob?” Libidine’s voice asked with concern.

“I’m fine,” I explained. “Just frustrated, that’s all.”

The succubi and Todd stood up and walked over to join the conversation.

“Frustrated about what, Jakey?” Todd mused. “Are you upset that you can’t rock this robe like the Toddster can? I know I look fabulous.”

I couldn’t help but smile at my friend’s joke.

“I was just explaining to Jacob that Azazel has now locked up Invidia and thrown away the key,” Raphael addressed the succubi and the imp. “If you want to achieve an ultimate victory over the King of the Fourth Circle, you’re going to eventually have to face him on his own turf.”

“I figured as much.” Cupi sighed, and then the blonde bent down and placed her hands on my face delicately. “It’ll be alright, my love,” she comforted. “That battle is still far away. Besides, once we convince Tris and Gula to join us, you’ll be stronger than ever.”

“Speaking of which,” Todd interrupted, “how did it go playing ‘hide the pepperoni’ with Ira?”

“Hide the--” Raphael began, but then he put his hands up in the air. “You know what? I don’t want to know.”

“Bro,” I reminded the imp, “gentlemen don’t kiss and tell, remember?”

“Well, you were able to walk in here without grunting in pain,” Todd observed. “That means she must not have busted out the ball-busting stuff quite yet.”

“Please stop,” Raphael begged. “My pure spirit can’t take all this talk of fornication.”

Cupi rolled her eyes. “Seriously?” she asked the Archangel. “You’re one of the biggest womanizers I know.”

“Not anymore, I’m not.” Raphael nodded. “I’ve turned over a new leaf since the days we fought together, Cupiditas. It has been over multiple millennia, you know.”

“Old habits die hard.” The blonde shrugged.

“He’s not banging Earth chicks anymore, Cupi,” Todd explained. “He’s with Urinal now. Yeesh, get with the program.”

“Uriel and I are not--” Raph huffed.

“Where is Goldilocks, anyway?” Todd interrupted.

“That was the other reason I wanted to talk to Jacob,” the Archangel huffed. “Uriel is currently off trying to recruit more of our brethren for our cause. They all know the war has begun, but some of them are … leary about following Jacob into battle.”

“Why the fuck is that?” I growled.

“There are … many reasons,” he explained. “One of which is the fact that you associate yourself with the succubi. Many of our men have fought and died against Liby, Cupi, Sia, and Ira in battle. I trust them, but I can see why my friends do not.”

I stood up out of the chair and thrust a finger into Raphael’s face. “They were forced to fight by a ruthless, heartless, dickless master,” I hissed. “Don’t try to put this on them.”

The Archangel put up his hands in submission. “I’m not,” he promised, “but I cannot control what the other angels think. Hopefully, Uriel can bring them around.”

I nodded and let out a sigh. “You’re right, you can’t, and thank you for doing what you can to turn your buddies around.” I clapped Raphael on the shoulder. “We really are going to need them if a full-out assault on Hell is in our future.”

“Don’t worry, Jacob,” Libidine said as she began to rub my back. “We should just focus on getting rested up and then getting to Tris and Gulas’ next party.”

“That was the other matter I wished to speak with you about,” Raphael interjected somberly. “Some of my angelic allies have delivered to me some disturbing news … ”

“Well?” Todd asked with annoyance. “Spit it out, Raphey!”

“By now I’m sure you’re aware of Tristitia and Gulas’ goals,” the Archangel suggested.

“Yeah, yeah,” Todd mused. “They want to gather up people to be part of their Azazel fan club so the dickless bastard can get stronger. Tell us something we don’t know.”

“Tris and Gula are gathering up followers so they can perform a dark blood sacrifice ritual,” the Archangel continued. “Remember San Francisco, when they brought back Azazel inside the body of one of their own?”

“Of course.” I nodded.

“That was with a few dozen cultists feeding Azazel power,” Raphael sighed. “To perform the ‘Ritual of Resurrection,’ you need a large following, all of whom are willing to put their souls on the line to bring you back from the dead. Basically, you’re swapping out their soul for your own.”

“And you think that’s what Tris and Gula are up to?” Cupi asked. “They’re going around gathering up a bunch of followers for a mass sacrifice?”

“I know it is,” the dark-haired Archangel confirmed.

“Hold on here.” Todd said as he scratched his head. “This all sounds really, really familiar … somebody dies, and then their loyal fans will them back to life with sunshine and rainbows?”

Raph rolled his eyes. “That was intentional on the part of the Demonic,” he explained. “They wanted a blood ritual that mocked the Lamb of God himself.”

“Lamb of God?” Todd laughed. “I was thinkin’ the fairy from Peter Pan, but that’s even more metal.”

“So what happens when Azazel gets enough followers?” Libidine questioned with a twinge of fear in her voice.

“He won’t,” I promised the succubus. “We’re going to crash their next party, convince everyone we’re the gang to hang with, and then convert them over to our side. That is, if Aruna doesn’t get there first.”

There was a tense silence in the room that radiated from Raphael. I looked over at the Archangel and saw his entire body was frozen in terror.

“Aruna?” he asked cautiously. “Why is she involved?”

“You know her?” I questioned.

“Who doesn’t?” Raphael nodded grimly. “She’s the deadliest assassin in all the Realms. To face her is to face the Grim Reaper himself.”

“She wasn’t that tough,” Todd shrugged, “not after she met my machine gun.”

“That’s not how it went down.” I rolled my eyes at the imp.

“Say hello to mah little friend,” Todd continued in his best Cuban accent and then pretended to spray bullets all around the room.

“You defeated Aruna?” Raph now sounded impressed. “That will certainly help your case with the other angels.”

“We beat her, but she’s still very much alive,” Cupi explained. “I’m certain our paths are going to cross again. She seems to be after Tris and Gula.”

“Very strange, indeed,” the Archangel puzzled. “The Divine would never stoop to hiring an assassin, and it makes no sense for anyone on the Demonic side to want their own succubi dead.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “We’re trying to figure it out, too.”

“Uh, Raphey-boy,” Todd said with a raised finger. “Aren’t we your hired assassins?”

“Of course not!” Raphael scoffed. “You are our spies. There’s a big difference.”

“Yeaaaahhhh,” the imp sounded skeptical, “I’m not seeing the difference. We go around finding demons on Earth and then killing them, just like an assassin would.”

“It’s much different,” the Archangel implored. “You are doing this of your own free will. There are no monetary gains involved.”

“Sounds like the difference between a gangbang and an orgy to me.” Todd shrugged. “Same thing, different name.”

“But you did promise us we could keep whatever earthly goods we got from killing the demons,” Cupi retorted. “So technically there are monetary rewards involved.”

“It’s--it’s still different.” The Archangel now seemed like he was at a loss for words. “We aren’t giving you money to go out and kill these demons, no questions asked. There’s a little bit of a gray area involved. I wouldn’t be opposed to giving these demons a chance to switch sides, but they always seem to shoot first and ask questions later.”

“Totally different,” I said, though I was still not completely convinced. “Anyways, Aruna seems like she’s a force to be reckoned with. We’ve gotten lucky these last two times, but we need to figure out how to take her down once and for all. Magical weaknesses … personality flaws … anything we can exploit.”

“I’ll see what I can do to get to the bottom of this,” Raphael promised. “We’ve got Watchers all around the world. Surely one of them will have some intel that could be useful about Aruna. In the meantime, you focus on the two succubi.”

“I think Raphey here is tryin’ to get you laid,” Todd whispered into my ear loud enough that everyone could hear.

“I am doing no such thing,” the Archangel rolled his eyes, “but adding them to your group would be the best thing you could do right now. It would prevent Azazel from returning and make you all the more powerful. You will need to be as strong as possible when the final confrontation arrives.”

“And what do we do if we need you in the meantime?” I asked. “Call you on your eighties block phone?”

The Archangel grinned at my words and then rummaged into his pocket. “Actually, I’ve upgraded once more,” he said giddily. “Modern technology is actually pretty incredible.”

Raphael fumbled around in his robe pocket for a moment and then produced what looked like a small black brick.

“They call this a ‘Nokia 3310,’” he explained. “It has a display screen so you can see who you’re calling and everything. Not to mention, it has this cool new game called ‘Snake!’ I must admit, I’ve spent much more time than I should playing that.”

“Ohhhh, a relic!” Todd giggled and then ran over to the Archangel. “These things are legendary, bro.”

“The best part?” The Archangel grinned as Todd fiddled on his phone. “It comes in three different colors. Can you believe that?”

“Modern technology has gone too far,” I said with a chuckle.

“No, no,” Todd added, “the best part is these things are nearly indestructible. I saw some video where a soldier overseas got attacked with an RPG, and his Nokia still held up! Watch this.”

Todd held Raph’s phone up into the air and summoned red Hellfire into his hand. Once the phone was fully engulfed in the blaze, the imp flung his right arm down and threw it into the floor.

The phone smashed into the ground but remained in one piece.

“It’s a miracle!” the imp exclaimed.

Todd jumped up into the air and then landed with his left foot directly on the Nokia. This time, there was a loud crack, and bits and pieces of the cell phone went spraying across the floor of the hotel room.

“Uh, oops,” Todd apologized and began to scramble to pick up the pieces. “Maybe I got a little too carried away there.”

“It’s alright, friend.” Raphael sighed. “This just means I’ll have to upgrade again. I hear there are these things called ‘clamshell phones’ now that can flip closed and have their own adjustable signal antenna.”

Todd placed a handful of the Nokia’s remains into the Archangel’s hands and then patted him on the arm. “The future is now, buddy,” the imp smiled.

Raphael shoved the debris into his robe pocket and then turned back to face us. “I will let you know the instant I find out anything more about Aruna or when I receive any updates about our numbers,” he promised. “Probably via a new cellular device.”

The Archangel took a few steps backward, tossed his arms out to the side, and closed his eyes. A brilliant white light overtook his body, and then the man in the white robe vanished in a literal flash.

“We really gotta invest in sunglasses, bro,” Todd said through gritted teeth. “Being around Raphey-boy there really does a number on the retinas.”

“It does a number on quite a lot of things,” Cupiditas grumbled.

“You really don’t like him, do you?” I asked the blonde succubus curiously.

Cupi shook her head vigorously. “No, I don’t,” she confirmed. “He was always acting like he’s so much better than everyone else. If Demons are egotistical, then Angels are snobs.”

“Exactly!” Libidine added. “They like to think they are night and day, but they’re really just different sides of the same coin.”

“Once again, orgy vs. gangbang,” Todd observed. “BDSM vs. Femdom. Hentai vs. Tentacle Porn. I could keep going if you’d like.”

“I think we’re good,” I said as I tried to shut the imp down. “Raphael might be a little frustrating to work with, but at least he’s trying to help. I don’t see any demons stepping up and offering to help us bring down Azazel.”

“You’d be hard-pressed to find any,” Cupi explained. “Most demons are petrified of the Father of Warfare, especially the lower-level ones.”

“Well, somebody wants his succubi dead, and Raphael seems to think it’s not anyone on our side,” I retorted. “We just need to figure out all this shit with Aruna and Tris and Gula before it’s too late.”

Libidine smiled, walked over, and placed her hand delicately on my shoulder. “In the morning, Jacob. We can figure it all out in the morning. For now, we should return to bed. I’m sure Sister Ira will appreciate the company.”

Even though I was exhausted and frustrated, the dark-haired succubus’ words perked me up.

“That sounds excellent,” I agreed. “Let’s go back to bed, girls.”

I stood up, and Cupi and Liby both instantly took me by the arm.

“Good night, Todd,” Liby called back as we headed toward the door.

“Kick that winged creature’s ass for me, okay?” Cupi added. “Maybe next time we can get past the sixth level.”

“Oh, I will,” the imp promised. “I’m gonna finish this all-nighter and beat this fucking game like it owes me money.”

We walked back out into the hallway, and the sounds of machine-gun rattles and dying demons became distant. The three of us made it to my room, slowly opened the door, and then tried to sneak in stealthily.

Ira was still in bed, passed out right next to where we had made love. Cupi and Libidine undressed quickly and then slunk over into the king-sized bed beside their sleeping sister. I tossed off my robe, climbed into bed, and pulled the girls in close. As I stared up at the ceiling and felt myself drifting off to sleep, I thought about our next adventure tomorrow.

We were headed back to Phoenix, and we were gonna have to crash Gula and Tris’ party once more.

Chapter 15

The succubi and I cuddled close in bed for another few hours. The four of us woke up around ten thirty in the morning, still groggy as fuck. I could have easily slept another four or five hours, but unfortunately, checkout was at eleven.

We hadn’t brought anything up to the room, so getting ready to leave was as simple as tossing on our original clothes and making sure I had my phone, wallet, and keys.

Once we were all ready to go, we went to check on Todd.

The imp looked like death when he opened the door. There were gigantic bags under his bloodshot eyes, and his entire body was twitching involuntarily.

“Uh, are you okay?” I asked curiously.

“N--never better,” Todd responded.

“It’s almost time to check out,” I continued. “How’d you sleep last night?”

The imp raised a trembling hand to his chin and pondered the question for a moment. Then, he looked up at me and shrugged.

“I didn’t,” he said as he smiled. “I beat the game at around six in the morning, and then I was gonna sleep. But I found some ‘all-access’ channels if you get my drift. One thing led to another, and well … let’s just say I sympathize with the maid on this one.”

“That was four hours ago,” Cupi gasped. “Are you telling me that--”

“Like I said,” Todd interrupted. “My condolences to the maid.”

“If it makes you feel any better,” Ira spoke up, “Jacob and I did a number on our bedsheets, too.”

Todd grabbed his stomach queasily. “Actually,” he gagged. “It doesn’t. Give me like, five seconds, and then I’ll be ready to go.”

The imp ran back into the room for a second and then came back out holding his keycard and a handful of miniature shampoo bottles.

“Seriously?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

“They’re only gonna throw them out, anyways,” the imp explained. “May as well get some free shit while we’re at it. You know what I say, Jakey: ‘if it’s up for grabs, the Toddster’s gotta haves.’”

“That’s just poor grammar,” Libidine giggled. “Superbia would be very upset.”

“Strawberry Shortcake ain’t here,” Todd retorted. “I can speak in Pig Latin if I want.”

“Pig Latin?” Cupi asked as the five of us began to walk toward the elevator. “I’m not familiar with that sort of dialect. What part of Europe speaks that?”

“Oh, it’s from some tiny country most people have never heard of,” Todd lied. “The land of Middle Schoolorus.”

“I haven’t heard of that one,” Cupi pondered as the doors closed behind us. “Could you speak a little bit for us? I’m always interested in learning new modes of communication.”

“You are famous for your tongue,” Todd snickered and then cleared his throat. “Hetay allcay siay omingcay romfay nsideiay hetay ousehay.”

“Wow,” Cupi mused. “That sounds pretty complicated. I have no idea what you’re even trying to get at.”

“He said ‘the call is coming from inside the house,’” I explained. “Todd, aren’t you forgetting omethingsay?”

The imp looked at me with confusion in his eyes.

I motioned up and down his tiny body, and then the imp gave me his signature finger guns.

“Otgay tiay,” he giggled and then quickly turned invisible.

“Wow,” Libidine mused. “You guys could use that to communicate for secret missions and stuff like that. I’ve never heard anyone speaking in Pig Latin before!”

I glanced over at the succubi and nearly lost my composure.

Cupi and Liby were both enthralled by the concept of this “new language,” but Ira just stood there with a sly grin on her face.

The Sister of Wrath had spent much more time on Earth than any of the other members of the Circle of Sin, so she must have already been privy to this joke. Ira let out a muffled chortle, and both of the other succubi turned around to look at her curiously.

“What’s so funny, Sister?” Cupi asked.

“Nothing,” Ira cooed. “Nothing at all. I’m just letting my mind wander back to last night with Jacob, that’s all.”

“His penis is still all in one piece, right?” Libidine questioned with a little too much concern in her voice. “I’d hate to have to work with damaged goods from now on.”

“Of course it is.” Ira rolled her eyes. “I didn’t bring out the big guns. Yet.”

“Baby steps, remember?” I lied to the succubus. “Baby steps.”

My friends and I exited the elevator, headed over to the checkout, and then handed over our room keys.

“How was your stay?” the man behind the counter grinned. “I hope everything was to your satisfaction.”

Ira leaned forward on the counter and thoughtlessly pushed her breasts together as she did so. “Brother, you have no idea,” she explained coyly.

“The video games were nice,” Liby added. “Even our room at the Excalibur didn’t have those.”

“Ah, yes, I almost forgot about the room charges!” the employee slapped his forehead playfully. “Thanks for reminding me.”

“Room charges?” I said, dread filling my voice.

At first, I was worried, but then I forced myself to cool down. We had only been here for one night. How many charges could there possibly be?

“That’ll be four-hundred dollars,” the man explained.

“Excuse me?” I gasped aloud. “Could you break down those charges for me, please?”

“Absolutely!” The employee kept his happy demeanor. “Fifty dollars for a five-hour video game rental, purchased twice. One-hundred dollars worth of room service food and beverage, and ten dollars per, um, adult movie. Purchased twenty times.”

“I thought they were all complimentary,” Todd’s disembodied voice sighed from below, “but I’m not gonna try and cover for anyone. It was totally all on Cupi.”

“Hmmm,” I sighed and reached into my wallet. “Apparently there was a misunderstanding. My friends thought all that stuff was complimentary--”

“Tell you what,” Ira stepped in. “Why don’t we make a deal?”

“A deal?” the employee asked. “I’m just a desk worker, I--”

“My name is Maggie Franklin,” the succubus continued. “You may or may not know me, but you certainly are familiar with my ex-husband, Marvin.”

The man’s eyes lit up with recognition. “Oh, yeah! He was the one who was caught--” he started, but then quickly changed his tune. “He used to be in office until that big scandal.”

“Damn straight,” Ira continued, “and then I kicked his cheating ass to the curb. Now, as you may or may not know, I’m currently running for his vacant seat. This little hotel is charming, and you have a beautiful lobby. It’s very elegant and traditional, yet chic all at the same time!”

“Uh, thanks?” the man behind the counter asked curiously.

“My point is, I’m going to need a place for our upcoming debate with my opponent, Mr. Hoggins,” Ira explained. “My candidacy is all about giving back to the people who elected us, and I’d be absolutely enthralled if we could hold the debate here. Why go for the ballroom of some fancy chain hotel when we could have it right here, in an establishment run by local Arizonans?”

“I’ll, uh, I’ll have to call my boss,” the employee said as he held up a finger and fumbled around in his pocket.

The man pulled out his phone, punched in some numbers, and then held it up to his ear. He stepped away from the counter, and I took the opportunity to pull Ira away for a quick sidebar.

“What are you doing?” I asked the succubus. “We don’t need all this pomp and circumstance. I was just gonna pay and we’d be on our way.”

“Nonsense,” Ira smiled and waved her hand. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned since being involved in the world of politics, it’s that you never have to pay for anything. If you play your cards right, of course.”

“Yeah, but--”

“Mr. Hoggins and I needed a place to debate,” Ira shrugged. “Now we have one. And if the hotel owner so graciously waives all of our room fees in return for the free publicity and the slight increase in business, so be it.”

“You really are good at this.” I grinned knowingly.

Ira put her hand on my arm tenderly. “That’s why it’s so great to have me in the group.” She winked. “Now you can save your money for that nice, fancy lunch you’re going to buy us later.”

“Well, I just talked to the owner,” the hotel employee interrupted our conversation. “He says he’d be more than thrilled to host your debate here. Give him the date, and he’ll have everything ready.”

“That sounds marvelous, dear.” Ira placed her hand against her chest happily. “Now, about those fees--”

The man shook his head. “Don’t worry about it, Ms. Franklin.” He smiled. “We’re just glad you and your friends stopped in for a stay at our fine establishment.”

“We are, too,” Ira said coyly, and she shot the employee a friendly wave. “Have a marvelous day!”

“You too,” the man replied, “and thank you once again!”

The five of us sauntered out through the doors of the hotel, made our way to Shadow, and then hopped into the beat-up Jeep.

Todd’s body reappeared in the passenger seat, and he quickly stood up and tossed his hands out in front of himself.

“I can totally explain, bro,” the imp began. “I thought all those movies and shit were free. Like, who puts a full-fledged gaming system in their hotel room and expects people to pay extra for it?”

“Literally every hotel with a gaming system in their rooms,” I answered nonchalantly.

“I mean, I expected to pay for the room service, but I was gonna do that with my own money,” he explained.

“Where are you getting money from?” I mused as I turned the key and Shadow roared to life. “It’s not like I give you an allowance or anything.”

“Have I not told you?” Todd said with mild surprise in his voice. “I’ve started my own occultist blog.”

“A blog?” I asked, unconvinced.

I kicked Shadow into reverse, and then we backed out onto the main road.

“Yeah,” Todd continued. “I call it Masterson’s Musings. It’s nothing compared to the big sites or paranormal channels, but I’ve got a small cult following. No pun intended.”

“You’re not giving away sacred secrets that have been protected for thousands of years, are you?” I asked in horror.

“I take offense to that, bro.” Todd scoffed. “Of course not. It’s mostly my opinions on the Illuminati, the JFK assassination, and Lizard People. And Bigfoot. I can’t forget my hairy friend, Bigfoot.”

“So let me get this straight,” I questioned. “You take all of your tinfoil theories about the paranormal, type them up, publish them to the web, and somebody pays you for them?”

“Not a lot.” Todd shrugged. “Like, I could afford to maybe go out to a nice dinner or something. Someplace fancy, like Sizzler. But that’s about it.”

“What I wanna know is who the hell is paying you for all this?” I continued as Shadow pulled onto the interstate.

“It’s all in the advertising dollars, bro,” the imp said as he pulled out another joint from his “pocket.” “Sia’s the one who taught me all about it. You’ll have to ask her how it works. After she fixes up our baby here.”

Todd took a puff from his joint and made a grandiose gesture to the interior of the Jeep.

The imp was right, Shadow was looking pretty worse for wear.

I patted the steering wheel jovially and smiled. “She might be a little banged up,” I joked, “but she’s still purring like a kitten.”

“Yeah,” Todd snickered, “a mangy kitten. The kind you’d see in a Sarah McLachlan commercial.”

“She still runs,” I retorted. “As long as Shadow can get us from point A to point B, that’s all that matters.”

“I dunno, bro,” Todd continued. “I’d say once Sia gets the Velvet Lips back up and running and Ira starts collecting her politician’s salary, we should trade in ol’ faithful and get a Lambo.”

“Orrrrr … ” I tried to plead with the imp. “We could just have Sia fix up Shadow with her healing powers and keep using our Jeep.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Todd sighed. “I’m sure everybody in this vehicle right now would rather have a sexy red Lamborghini than a soccer-mom Jeep.”

“Again,” I reminded the imp, “soccer moms drive vans. Jeeps are for rugged off-roaders which is much closer to what we are.”

“A Lambo would be really sexy,” Ira pondered and then turned to her sisters. “It’s one of the highest-end cars here on Earth Realm. It costs an arm and a leg, but they’re sleek, stylish, and make a lot of loud noises!”

“That sounds amazing,” Cupi agreed. “Why can’t we get one?”

“A couple of reasons,” I scoffed. “One, it wouldn’t be able to fit all of us. Two, like Ira so graciously reminded us, a Lambo costs hundreds of thousands of dollars.”

“Aw, come on,” Todd continued. “We could call it the ‘Lambro.’ Think about how badass that’d be.”

“Even if Sia makes the Velvet Lips the greatest strip club in the history of the universe, I don’t think we’ll be making that kind of money,” I chuckled, “and even if we were, millionaires don’t get to where they are by spending their money carelessly.”

“Fine, fine,” he finally caved, “but if Masterson’s Musings ever becomes a mega-hit, the first thing I’m doing is getting us a Lambro.”

“I appreciate the thought, Todd.” I smiled at the imp in the passenger seat.

We continued down the highway for another hour or so, back over the bridge where we’d last seen Aruna, and then back to a more populated part of Arizona.

As we passed by one of the blue exit signs, my stomach made a loud growling noise. Cupi, Liby, and Todd may have had some midnight snacks, but I was still running on those onion rings from the night before.

“Who’s hungry?” I asked the cabin of the Jeep Wrangler.

Libidine hung her head over the front seat from behind and made a face of exhaustion. “Food sounds incredible right now,” she begged.

“You do owe me a fancy dinner for saving your skin back there,” Ira added, “but I guess a nice lunch would suffice.”

“Bro, I could eat a donkey right now,” Todd groaned.

“Don’t you mean ‘I could eat an elephant?’” I asked with a chortle.

Todd looked at me, his eyes bloodshot. “No,” he explained. “I’m talking a donkey. Elephant meat is actually not too bad, but have you ever had donkey? That shit’s gross.”

“I have so many questions,” I pondered aloud, “but at the same time, I really don’t want any answers.”

“It’s for the best,” Todd nodded. “Let’s just say, there’s a certain ethnic restaurant back in Albuquerque you don’t want to go to when they’re running low on hamburger. Let’s leave it at that.”

“Uh--” Words were completely escaping me at the moment. “Where do you guys want to eat? Preferably not a burger joint.”

Ira’s slender hand extended past my head and pointed to one of the logos on the exit sign. “I’ve never been there before,” the succubus suggested. “Why don’t we give it a go? I’m always ready for some experimentation.”

I turned Shadow off the exit, and we were at the restaurant in no time. I wasn’t familiar with the name or the logo of the establishment, but it looked pretty busy for a weekday.

Just from looking at the building, you could tell this place was originally designed to be something else. The structure was five times larger than a restaurant needed to be, and its bulk rivaled the strip mall across the street. The facade looked like it was supposed to be a pagoda of some sort, and it bore a red and yellow color scheme. Despite its oriental look, the sign on the front read “Marty’s Marvelous House of Steaks.”

Definitely not a Chinese place.

The parking lot of the restaurant was nearly full, and it took us a few minutes to even find someplace to squeeze in our Jeep. Finally, we pulled the jet-black vehicle into a parking space, and then we exited.

“That’s a good sign, Jakey!” Todd, now in his human form, giggled. “The more customers they have, the better the food is.”

“I just want a good steak,” Ira grumbled. “Even though I was a politician’s wife, he never really treated me to the finer things in life. Marvin and our masters thought I was ‘below’ that kind of treatment. Outside of the public eye, of course.”

“Of course,” I growled.

Ira may have acted crazy and sadistic sometimes, but underneath it all, she was a kind spirit. All she ever wanted in life was to do her master proud and serve him in a more powerful role, but fuckers like Azazel and Earl would never see a succubus as their equal. That would somehow damage their fragile little egos.

I thought back to all of the assholes who’d wronged Ira, and I was glad they were all rotting in Hell.

“It’s alright, sister,” Libidine reassured the succubus. “Now that you’re with Jacob, he’ll treat you to all the finer things in life.”

“If you haven’t noticed,” Cupi added, “he treats us all like queens.”

“Even me,” Todd added with a giggle and then held open the door for the four of us.

As we passed through the door into the steakhouse, the change in the environment was almost jarring. The entire outside of the restaurant was made to look oriental, but the inside was anything but. A modern-looking chandelier hung from the twenty-foot ceiling, and the tables were all black with fancy red tablecloths. The floor felt like it was made of real hardwood, and there were cobblestone fireplaces all around.

“Welcome to Marty’s Marvelous House of Steaks!” an over-excited employee greeted us. “Where you pick ‘em, we stick ‘em, and then you lick ‘em!”

“There’s got to be a motto with better alliteration than that,” Todd observed.

The man snatched up a couple menus. “Five?” When I nodded, he motioned for us to follow. “Right this way, please.”

“This is the most bizarre restaurant I’ve ever seen,” I muttered as we made our way toward the table.

“I swear I saw this place on Kitchen Nightmares once,” Todd added. “I think that was the one where they found a mouse in the deep fryer.”

I gagged at the thought, and the succubi giggled.

“What’s so funny about finding a dead mouse in your food?” I asked. “That’s disgusting.”

The five of us sat down at our table, and then the employee set the menus in front of us and scuttled away.

“I think you forget where we came from, Jacob,” Cupi smiled. “Vargrats, creatures similar to your Earth rodents, were all we had down there.”

“What can I say?” I shrugged. “You guys have adapted to Earth Realm so well that I don’t even think of you as demons anymore.”

“Awww,” Liby cooed. “What do you think of us as?”

“Don’t answer that, bro,” Todd interjected. “It’s a trap.”

I ignored the imp’s words and gave the succubi a devilish grin. “I think you all know how I think of you.”

“My client doesn’t know what he’s saying,” Todd said with mock seriousness and then leaned into my ear. “As your best friend and legal counsel, I’d advise you to stop talking before you say something you’ll regret.”

“Nonsense.” I rolled my eyes and then turned back to the succubi. “You are all my best friends. And my lovers. I would say ‘girlfriends,’ but that seems to undersell the situation a little bit.”

“So we’re not your girlfriends?” Liby asked playfully.

“Abort! Abort!” Todd warned.

I continued to ignore the imp, and I grinned back at the raven-haired beauty. “Of course you are,” I explained, “but you guys are all so much more than that. Like, I think we might be soulmates. If you believe in that kind of thing, of course.”

“Jacob,” Cupi mused. “We’re millennia-old succubi. Of course, we believe in that concept.”

“Most importantly,” Ira added, “we believe a single person can have multiple soulmates.”

“It also means we have no problem sharing you,” Liby purred.

“Demon thoughts on love certainly are strange,” I pondered, “but you’ll hear no complaints from me, that’s for sure!”

“Then there’s the Toddster.” Todd sighed. “Single and unloved.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Todd,” Libidine comforted the imp. “You’ll find love someday. You just haven’t met the right person yet.”

“Those girls back at Tris and Gulas’ party seemed to like you.” Cupi nodded.

“Yeah, I guess.” Todd shrugged. “They were sexy and all, but my heart only belongs to one woman … ”

“The redhead in Kansas?” I asked as I glanced over the menu.

“The redhead in Kansas,” Todd confirmed. “Her love would lift me up to where we belong, bro.”

“You want to love her tender?” I chuckled.

“Oh, bro.” Todd sighed again. “When she asks ‘how deep is your love?’ I wanna have the perfect answer.”

“Why don’t you go back and talk to her?” Cupi interrupted the banter. “That diner in Kansas is only a day’s drive from our mansion.”

“I’m kinda in a pickle,” Todd explained and motioned to his human body. “I can’t just show up to her like this. I look like a drifter, and I can’t go to her with my super-sexy imp bod. That’d be waaaayy too much too soon.”

“What?” I asked. “You think she’d be freaked out?”

“Oh, on the contrary,” Todd clarified. “I think there’d be too much ‘hunka hot imp’ for her to handle. And then there’s my schlong--”

“Why don’t we order?” Ira interrupted. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m famished.”

I shot Todd a wink. “We’ll get you back out there eventually, buddy,” I promised, “but for now, let’s just focus on stuffing our faces.”

Todd smiled, gave me a heartfelt nod, and then directed his attention to the menu.

My friends and I studied the menu for a bit, and then a perky blonde waitress appeared at our table with a tray full of waters.

“Hi, guys!” She grinned. “Do you think you’re ready to order?”

“It’s a tough call,” I pondered aloud. “Do you recommend the ribeye steak or the swordfish?”

The waitress thought for a moment. “Marty’s is famous for our steaks, so I’d say that one. I’ve heard great things about the swordfish, though.”

“Screw it.” I shrugged. “I’ll take the ribeye. Medium, if you don’t mind.”

The waitress scribbled down my order and then turned to the rest of the group.

“I want a T-bone,” Ira said without missing a beat. “As rare as you can legally make it.”

“I second that.” Cupi nodded.

“Two steaks, still mooing,” the blonde server joked. “Got it. And for you two?”

“I want to try the pork chops,” Libidine explained. “I’ve never had those, but they sound delicious.”

Now it was Todd’s turn. “This might sound crazy,” the imp warned. “I want a medium rare steak, but chopped up into tiny pieces and then served over a fluffy mountain of mashed potatoes. With onions, mushrooms, and gravy, of course. Where I come from, we call it a ‘smothered slut.’”

“Nobody calls it that,” I reassured the waitress. “I think my friend here is trying to order sirloin tips.”

“Ahhh,” the blonde woman nodded, “makes sense. I’ll get that order in for you, and hopefully, it’ll be right out!”

The waitress flipped her hair and strutted back toward the doors of the main lobby.

“A smothered slut?” I leaned over to Todd.

The imp let out an “eh” sound. “That’s what I’ve always called it,” he said with a smirk. “Mostly because you’re basically talking dirty the entire time you’re eating it. It’s like your own personal flavor bitch.”

“Uh huh.” I quickly changed the subject. “So, what’s the plan for when we get back to Phoenix?”

Cupi shrugged. “Oliver and Jane are off doing cult stuff, right?” she asked, and when I confirmed with a nod, she continued, “and Sia is busy trying to bring the Velvet Lips back to its former glory. The way I see it, our team for this mission is sitting right here at this table.”

“We will need to find out where our sisters are holding this banger,” Ira added. “They left it fairly vague in their announcement.”

“That’s because they save the juicy details for social media,” Todd answered.

The imp fumbled around in the pockets of his torn-up jeans and produced his cell phone. He rapped at the screen for a moment and then held it out for all of us to see.

“Check it out,” he explained. “Tris and Gula--er, ‘Tristina and Gina’ have their own social media sites. I found them last night while I was looking for some whacking material.”

“How does that--” I began, but my words were cut off by Todd’s finger pressing over my lips.

“Don’t ask, bro,” Todd said softly. “Just savor the victory.”

Liby read the screen. “It says here they’re holding it at the ‘Rise Again Nightclub.’”

“I know that place.” I nodded. “It’s one of the hottest clubs in Phoenix right now. Azazel must be serious if he’s willing to foot the bill for that.”

“If Azazel is even footing the bill,” Ira added. “For all we know, Tris and Gula could be getting their funding from another demon lord. Maybe that’s why Aruna is after them?”

“No way.” Libidine shook her head. “Tris is way too lazy to turn against her master. That would require intricate planning and a whole lot of deception. The Sister of Sloth would never be up to all that.”

Todd let out a snicker and then nearly doubled over in laughter. “Please don’t call her that,” he begged through his wheezes. “That just makes me think she’s a giant hairy animal. In fact, remind me to learn Photoshop when we get back so I can create that monstrosity of an image and frame it.”

“So it looks like we’re headed to the Rise Again Nightclub.” I nodded. “Are you guys ready for demon party number two?”

“Electric Boogaloo,” Todd added, and his words made him laugh harder. Finally, the imp composed himself.

“I got some bad news for you, Jakey,” he explained as he wiped away a tear. “It says here the girls’ party is by invite only, and ‘unwanted parties will be turned away.’”

“That’s demon-speak for ‘I have demonic minions all over the place, and they’ll fuck up anyone who I don’t want there,’” Ira translated.

“Yikes,” Todd continued. “According to the RSVPs, it already looks like they’ve got a full house. Thousands of people are gonna be there. But that’s not even the best part! Check out the fine print here on the website. It’s fucking hilarious in the most twisted way possible.”

Todd put his fingers up to the screen of the phone and then made the display zoom. He had to do the motion three times to make the small print readable, but when it finally came into focus I saw exactly what he was talking about.

***Disclaimer: By attending this party, graciously paid for by the King of the Fourth Circle, all parties involved agree to relinquish their souls to their new master, Azazel. The sign-in sheet at the door is a legally binding contract created by the occult’s finest lawyers. By signing on the dotted line, you agree to give up your Earthly body and soul for use in activities such as (but not limited to): possession, mass sacrifice, ownership of first-born child, and demonic sexual endeavors.

“Whatever you do,” Todd warned, “don’t let me sign on the dotted line, bro. I really don’t wanna end up as Azazel’s fuck doll.”

“If there’s really that many people at the party, then going in guns-blazing is a no-go.” I sighed. “Especially with Ira here. The last thing we need is for the general public to see their potential representative murdering people with a morning star.”

“That’s a display of power in some countries,” Ira mused, “but you’re probably right.”

“It sounds like stealth is the best option, then,” Cupi jumped in. “How will we sneak into a place that well-guarded? Todd?”

“Que?” The imp looked up from his phone with confusion on his face.

“I was saying you could use your powers to sneak in,” the blonde succubus explained. “Maybe you could turn invisible or turn yourself into one of the other members of the Seventy-Two Servants?”

“No can do, my bodacious blonde.” Todd shook his head. “My imp powers don’t work that way.”

“What do you mean they don’t work that way?” I asked curiously. “They’re imp powers, don’t they just kinda … work?”

Todd held up two fingers. “Two things, bro. My powers don’t allow me to imitate demons physically. I can do shit like throw my voice to sound like them, but that’s about it.”

“What about Marvin Franklin?” Libidine added. “You copied his fingerprints.”

“He wasn’t a demon, remember?” I reminded the succubus. “He was just a really powerful cultist.”

“Thank the Lord!” Ira sighed. “If I had been ‘married’ to the real Forneus, I would have slit my wrists a long time ago. And not in a foreplay kinda way.”

“Uh--” The voice of our waitress interrupted the conversation. “Here’s your food,” she said awkwardly and then sat Ira’s plate down in place.

“Oh, don’t worry, honey,” Ira promised to the mortified server. “I was only making a joke. Although you know what I say, never knock something until you try it.”

The waitress ignored the succubus’ words, but I could tell she was more than a little weirded out. The blonde woman came around to each of us, passed out our plates, and then crossed her arms jovially.

“Can I get you anything else?” she asked. “How does everything look?”

“It looks incredible,” I somehow responded through my watering mouth. “Like, really really incredible.”

“Excellent!” The waitress grinned over-enthusiastically. “Just let me know if you need anything else.”

Before I could say another word, our server spun around and zipped across the dining room of the restaurant.

“I can’t say I really blame her,” Cupi joked. “Sister Ira can be a little strange to those who don’t know her very well.”

Ira shot the blonde succubus a dirty look. “Of course you’d come to that woman’s defense,” she cooed. “You blondes gotta stick together. It’s better for your IQ.”

Todd nearly choked on his food at Ira’s words. “Holy fuck,” he mumbled through a mouthful of mashed potatoes. “That was cold.”

“Please!” Ira waved her hand nonchalantly. “Cupi knows I’m just busting her balls. I love all of my sisters, especially the blonde ones. They have more fun.”

“Let’s eat.” Liby took her fork, stabbed it into the pork chop, raised it to her mouth, and took a bite. The second it hit her mouth, the succubus nearly fell back into her chair.

“What is this thing?” she begged. “It’s so tender, and it tastes like it’s been slathered in smoke, sugar, and butter!”

“That’d be the barbeque sauce.” I chuckled. “It is a BBQ Pork Chop, after all.”

Liby chomped off another bit of the meat with her teeth. “But what is it?” she asked as she chewed. “Like, is it a rat or a chicken or--”

“It’s a pig,” I explained.

“Ohhhh,” Cupi nodded, “kinda like Chort.”

“Chort?” I asked as I began to cut at my tender steak.

“Chort is one of the lesser demons of Hell,” Cupi explained.

Ira cupped her hands together and held them up over her nose. “He has a big, flat, circular nose like this,” the succubus added, “and he’s got these giant ears. Much like the swine here on Earth Realm.”

“Chort’s not inherently evil, but he’s very mischievous when he interacts with humans,” Cupi continued. “He likes to trick them into selling their soul for his faux gold and making them perform devious acts on other humans. Simple, generally harmless things like that.”

“Harmless?” I mused. “Are we really so far down the rabbit hole that ‘selling your soul’ is considered harmless?”

“It’s better than the alternative of death or eternal damnation,” Ira countered.

“Fair enough,” I conceded, then cut off a piece of my steak. I took a moment to admire the morsel resting on my fork.

It was perfectly-seared with small black grill markings all across it. Small ripples of sleek fat ran along the outer edge of the cut, creating that marbling effect every butcher knows and loves. There were bits of herbs and spices pounded into the tender meat, remnants of what the menu assured was a three-hour marinade, and the entire thing was still sopping in its own juices.

If this thing tasted half as good as it looked, my taste buds were about to be in Heaven.

I placed the piece of meat into my mouth, and I instantly wanted another bite. Not only was the steak cooked to perfection, but the marinade and seasoning they used were out of this world. What felt like an entire shot of flavorful juices exploded into my mouth with each bite. I savored the herby, grilled goodness in my mouth for as long as I could, and then I swallowed it down my throat.

“You okay, Jakey?” Todd asked.

My mind jumped back to reality, and I saw all four of my friends were staring at me with concern in their eyes.

“I’m fine,” I explained. “But this steak is just … it’s beyond words.”

“Ahh.” Todd nodded. “It looks like Jakey just took the magnet train to Flavortown, that’s all. Happens to the best of us.”

I continued to gobble down the steak, and each bite added another morsel of bliss. Finally, I finished the entree and moved on to my side dishes.

First came the loaded baked potato. It was still steaming from its time in the oven, and it was stuffed to the gills with gooey cheddar cheese, chives, and bacon bits. Atop the stuffing sat a soft pillow of butter that melted by the second and ran down to cover each and every inch of the perfect spud. It must have been freshly broiled because the top of the cheesy-filled dish was still bubbling, even all this time later.

I cut into the potato and raised it to my mouth. As it lifted, the gooey cheese created strings of resistance, but nothing was going to stop me from getting this delicious morsel into my stomach. I took a bite of the piping-hot potato, and my mouth instantly filled with creamy, buttery ecstasy. I scarfed down the delicious mix of spud, cheeses, and chives in no time. Then, I sat back in my chair and patted my belly happily.

My friends’ must have been enjoying their meals as much as I was, because the entire table was silent as they focused their whole attention on the plates in front of them.

All that was left of Todd’s sirloin tips were a messy pile of mashed potato crumbs with a few stray onions and mushrooms laid off to the side. Todd himself was finishing off some of his green beans, and the crunch from the perfectly-cooked veggies could be heard from all the way over here. Gravy dibbled all down Todd’s goatee and onto the front of his black T-shirt, but the imp didn’t seem to mind.

It was all just an illusion, anyway.

Cupi was trying to finish off her own steak, and it looked like she was making short work of the cutlet. The blonde succubus held the steak with her fork as a single piece, and she tore at it with her teeth. Her actions caused drops of bloody juice from the ultra-rare steak to splatter all over the table.

“So,” Ira uttered through bites of her steak, “I’ve been thinking about what you were saying earlier, about how we need to be stealthier for this mission. I had a good relationship with Ose, the demon of secrets and insanity.”

“Sounds like a pleasant guy,” I mused.

“He really is,” the dark-haired succubus continued. “At least, as long as you’re on his side … which brings me to my next point. Ose was always more of a loner, and he’s kinda old school. He has no phone, no internet, no tablets … not even the archaic stuff like Raphael has. In short, he probably doesn’t know that I’ve turned yet.”

“Get to the point, Crazy Eyes,” Todd joked.

“Ose owns a little paranormal paraphernalia shop in Phoenix,” Ira continued. “If he doesn’t know I’ve turned--”

“Then he might be our ticket to getting into the party without being seen!” I finished the succubus’ sentence for her. “Do you think he could be our double agent?”

“As long as I get to him before Tris and Gula do, I believe so.” Ira smiled.

“And if they get to him first?” I asked.

“Then we’ll probably have to kill him,” the dark-haired succubus said with a grin. “We’d be back to square one, but it would be oh-so-satisfying to watch that little worm squirming under my stiletto heel.”

“Why would we be back to square one?” Todd interrupted from beside me. “Couldn’t we just ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ the dude?”

“I’m not familiar with that battle technique,” Cupi noted with intrigue.

“It’s only one of the greatest battle techniques ever invented, my friend!” Todd continued. “It’s where you kill somebody and then prop up their body to pretend they’re still alive. Bonus points if you can imitate their voice like I can. We could kill Ose, Jakey and Lib could use their telekinesis to make him move, and I could be his voice. It’s a fool-proof plan!”

“Hopefully it won’t come to that,” I retorted and raised a finger into the air to ask for the check.

Our waitress saw me, nodded, and then hustled over with the paper in her hand. I pulled out a bundle of bills from my pocket and tossed a few twenties down onto the little plastic tray.

“Keep the change,” I told the waitress.

“Thank you so much!” She grinned as she counted her tip. “Have a great day, guys!”

The server walked away, and I instantly turned the conversation back to demon slaying business.

“How sure are you Ose is still around?” I asked Ira.

The succubus took her final bite of steak, patted her mouth clean with a napkin, and then sat her utensils delicately back onto the table.

“One-hundred percent sure,” she said with a nod of utter confidence. “Marvin and I held a fundraiser at his shop just a few weeks before we did the one at your mansion.”

“I hope you’re right.” I stood up from the table. “Come on, guys, we have a demon to catch.”

Chapter 16

“Is it bad that I kinda want this whole thing to go south?” The now-impish Todd pondered from the passenger seat. “I’ve always wanted to do a recreation of Weekend at Bernie’s, but I’ve never been cruel enough to try it with a real dead guy.”

“As your roommate, I appreciate that.” I chuckled and then looked back at the succubi. “So, are we going straight to Ose’s? Or should we stop by the mansion first?”

“The mansion,” Libidine responded instantly. “I could do with a fresh change of clothes, especially if we’re really going out tonight.”

“We’re just fighting a demon and trying to stop your sisters,” I explained. “Do we really need new clothes to--”

“I agree with Libidine,” Ira interrupted. “In the last twenty-four hours, this outfit has gone through a high-speed chase, a battle with zombies, and a greasy steak dinner. It’s done its duty for the day.”

“Yeah, bro,” Todd agreed. “I need a fresh set of clothes, too. I left all my good weed in my other pants.”

“You don’t wear pants,” I reminded the imp.

Todd took a puff from his joint and then began to pat at his lower body. Then, he slowly looked over at me with a wide-eyed look of surprise on his face. “Then why do I have pockets?” He asked in horror before he looked up toward the sky dramatically. “What the fuck am I?”

“Don’t think too hard about it,” Cupi snorted. “Demon anatomy makes far less sense the more you think about it.”

“Exactly,” Ira continued. “For example, are our wings inside our body, or are they simply invisible until we want them to appear? Or, are they not attached at all, and simply manifest when we summon them with Hellfire magic?”

Todd rapped on his chin for a moment and stared at the ground. He took another puff of his joint, rested his right arm on the cup holder of Shadow’s interior, and sighed.

“I just … I dunno anymore,” he said through a spaced-out look.

“Uh-oh,” I observed. “We just gave Todd an existential crisis.”

The imp was completely silent as he continued to stare out into the desert landscape.

“Uh…” I pondered my next words carefully. “Hey, buddy. How hilarious will it be if we do end up pulling a Weekend at Bernie’s on this guy? He’s a fortune teller, so maybe he has a funny voice you could imitate?”

“He does have a Slavic accent,” Ira confirmed.

“See?” I slapped the imp on the shoulder playfully. “You might be able to do your best Zoltar impression!”

“I have always wanted to imitate a fortune teller,” Todd said as he began to perk up. “I could be my very own Madame Tussauds.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him Madame Tussauds was a wax museum, not a real person. “That’s the spirit, Toddster,” I continued as I tried to bring up his spirits. “Tell you what, when this is all said and done, maybe we can go to that place you’ve always wanted to go.”

“Amsterdam?” Todd asked hopefully.

“Uh, not that one,” I responded.

“Disneyland?”

“Not that one, either.” I sighed. “Think more within our budget.”

“The pizza place down the street?” Todd tried again.

“No, no,” I laughed. “Not quite that cheap. Think movie related.”

“No…?” Todd gasped.

“Yep!”

“You wouldn’t…?”

“I would.” I nodded happily. “Vasquez Rocks. It’s only a few hours drive from our home.”

Todd let out a squeal of glee and began to hop up and down. “The place where Captain Kirk fought the motherfucking Gorn? The place where Bill and Ted met the Grim Reaper? The rocks that were on the cover of the Village Peoples’ breakout album? Sign me the fuck up!”

“I knew that’d cheer you up.” I chuckled at his excitement.

“These rocks sound like they’re of much importance to your Earth culture,” Cupi said from the back. “Is this like some sort of holy pilgrimage?”

“For Todd, it certainly is,” I replied.

“Bill and Ted are legends,” Todd added. “I’ve always wanted to recreate their adventures, but that would require a time machine. There aren’t any demons who can time travel, are there?”

“Unfortunately not,” Ira answered. “Even with all the complexities and varieties of Hellfire magic out there, time travel is waaayy too complicated for the Demonic.”

“What about the Divine?” I asked. “Isn’t the big guy upstairs supposed to exist on some sort of different astral plane where he’s everywhere at any point in time at once?”

“Allegedly,” Ira confirmed, “but the Exalted One is on another level than even Lucifer himself. None of us have ever set eyes upon him.”

“Not even the fallen angel back there?” Todd questioned Cupi.

The blonde succubus shook her head. “Only the Archangels are allowed into the Chambers of the Holy,” she explained. “Even then, I don’t think they have all met the Exalted One face-to-face. Only the major players like Michael or Gabriel.”

“So many rules,” Libidine gagged. “That’s why, in some ways, I’m happy I was on the side of the Demonic. They’re much crueler and more evil, but they’re also so much more fun.”

“Minus the torture and oppression,” Todd added with a snicker.

“What are you talking about?” Ira answered coyly. “That was an added bonus.”

“But now,” Cupi interrupted, “we get the best of both worlds. With Jacob, we can still do all the fun stuff demons are allowed to do, but without any fear of what our asshole of a master will do to us.”

“Oh yes,” Ira purred. “It took me some time to come around, but I much prefer Jacob to any of our old masters. He’s so much more kind and caring. Plus, his dick is like a warhammer. I could barely fit it into my mouth last night, and that’s never happened before.”

“Here comes the queasiness,” Todd said as he grabbed his stomach.

“I’m glad you’re having a good time.” I winked at Ira through the rearview mirror. “I enjoyed myself, too.”

“It certainly sounded like it!” Ira giggled. “You ran me so hard, I think you may have given me bruises.”

“I’m sorry,” I started to apologize. “I--”

“It’s all part of the game, sweetie,” Ira playfully explained. “I love it.”

Todd made another gagging sound and tossed his hand over his mouth. “Bro,” he heaved, “I really enjoyed my steak. Please don’t make it part of Shadow’s interior.”

“Alright.” I rolled my eyes at the imp’s words. “We can ease up on the sex talk for now.”

“Hell,” Ira added, “I don’t need to talk about it at all. It’s all saved right up here in my noggin. Plus, I have plenty of mementos of last night all over my body.”

Todd dry-heaved at the succubus’s words, took a gulp, and then looked over at me again. “Ew,” he gagged. “They say it tastes better going down the second time, but that is not true at all.”

“Nobody says that,” I argued. “Nobody would ever say that.”

We continued down the interstate for another hour or so, and then we finally reached the exit for our quaint Phoenix suburb. Or, at least, as quaint as a suburb full of million-dollar mansions could be. Within minutes, we pulled into the driveway of the former Quinn Mansion, and I killed the ignition.

Instead of messing with all of the logistics of exiting a banged-up Jeep, I just quickly cast a wave of emerald fire around all of us.

My body was on pins and needles for a second, and then the next thing I knew I felt the familiar cushion of our couch underneath my ass.

The five of us were safely back in our living room. Todd and I were on the couch, and the succubi were scattered across the remaining chairs in the main area in front of the TV.

“Teleportation’s always such a trip,” Todd mused. “I really wish I knew how to do it myself. It’d save me soooo much money on weed.”

“I don’t think it’s quite as strong as your Moose Tranquilizer,” I joked. “That stuff looked like it packed quite the wallop.”

“Bro, that’s not even my good stuff,” the imp explained. “Canadian Moose Tranquilizer ain’t got nothing on a strain like Bullcock or Granny Delicious or Wicked Witch Pubes. That shit’ll put you under for days.”

“Don’t you mean ‘Red Delicious?’ or ‘Granny Smith?’” I cringed as I asked.

The imp shook his head and grinned. “Nope,” he answered. “I mean Granny Delicious. It’s probably the best-tasting thing on this whole damn planet.”

“Is it made from real grannies?” Libidine asked from the chair across from us.

“Of course not!” Todd sounded horrified.

“It’s just a codename,” I explained to the curvy woman. “Like when he calls Sia ‘Strawberry Shortcake’ or when he calls Cupi ‘Bodacious Blonde.’”

“Good!” Liby nodded. “Cannibalism is never acceptable, even in the eyes of the Demonic.”

“That’s where you guys draw the line?” I couldn’t help but laugh at the thought. “Murder, sex, and world domination are okay, but cannibalism isn’t?”

“We don’t make the rules.” Libidine shrugged. “We’re only lowly succubi, here to follow them.”

“It’s seen as sacrilege for both the Divine and the Demonic,” Cupi explained. “We’re metaphysical beings. Eating our own kind is seen as the ultimate insult to our creators.”

“Kinda like the Haka Dance,” Todd mused.

“I’m not familiar with that one,” Ira pondered. “Is that some sort of new craze all the young people are doing? If so, I might want to consider adapting it for my campaign … ”

Todd clicked his tongue. “Oh no,” he clarified, “this is much more badass than any of those. It’s a traditional dance done by Maori Warriors before they went into battle. There’s a part where they basically tell their enemy they’re gonna kill them, eat ‘em, and then use their bones to make weapons. It’s metal as fuck. Check it out.”

“The meaning of the dance is still up for debate--” I started to argue, but Todd cut me off with a weak roar.

The little imp jumped to his feet on the couch and began to do the dance. His beady eyes nearly protruded out of his skull as he pounded his hands against his chest, jutted out his tongue, and stomped his hooves on the couch forcefully.

“Come on, bro.” I sighed as his hooves left indentations in the fabric. “We just bought this thing.”

Todd concluded his dance, and then he did a graceful bow as the succubi all cheered.

“That was intense,” Cupi mused. “I want to learn the dance.”

“Me too!” Ira exclaimed. “My dom half would be all for it. Maybe I could use it to intimidate my opponents in the debate.”

I immediately stood up, waving my hands and shaking my head. “Nope,” I explained. “Nopenopenope. That would be political suicide.”

Ira looked at me, confused. “Why not?” she protested. “I’ve seen plenty of other politicians gettin’ their groove on when they go on talk shows!”

“Are you from New Zealand?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Of course not,” the succubus retorted. “I’m from the Fourth Circle.”

“Exactly,” I continued. “Just…just trust me on this one, okay?”

“Uh-oh,” Todd said as realization dawned in his little eyes. “Looks like I’m being a bad influence on the girls again, aren’t I?”

I looked over at the imp and smiled. “You’re just trying to liven up the party. No shame in that. I’m the one who’s throwing a damper on the party with the whole ‘cultural appropriation in politics’ thing.”

“Two things you never want to bring up at a dinner table.” Todd nodded. “Well, that and trying to explain your sexual fetishes. That completely derailed my last family Thanksgiving.”

I glanced down at my watch and realized it was already mid-afternoon.

“I hate to be Debbie Downer again,” I addressed the room, “but the day’s already halfway over. We still need to go find Ose and then try to convince him to be our ‘in’ guy.”

“And get to the party,” Liby added.

“I don’t have to worry about you switching sides, do I?” I joked to the curvy succubus.

Libidine’s eyes lit up, and she gave me a bashful look. “Never,” she promised. “I just enjoy having a good time, that’s all. Luckily for you, it’s all you’ve given us since we joined you all nearly a year ago.”

“Has it really been less than a year?” I pondered aloud. “I can barely even remember my life before you guys came into it.”

Liby stood up and stretched, exposing her sexy midriff and forcing her massive breasts to press against the fabric of her shirt. She dropped her arms down, sauntered over, and laid a tender hand against my shoulder.

“I can’t either,” she purred, “and I never want to.”

Liby then turned and made a motion to Cupi and Ira.

“Now come, sisters,” she commanded. “We asked Jacob to bring us here so we could change. Let’s not keep him waiting.”

Cupi and Ira stood up, locked arms, and then followed Libidine out toward the marble staircase.

Once they were out of earshot, Todd leaned in toward me. “For the record, I can’t remember life before we met, either,” he whispered.

“That’s because we’ve known each other since the fourth grade,” I said with a big smile. “I don’t think our long-term memories had been fully developed before then.”

“No big difference.” Todd shrugged. “That just means we were meant to be best hermanos from the very beginning. Fate totally brought us together, bro.”

“Honestly, I’m starting to wonder,” I admitted. “With you buying the book and us getting chosen by the Divine to be badass demon hunters and all that, it definitely feels like there are higher powers at play here.”

“Or you knew how much of a badass wingman I was gonna be when we were youngins,” Todd joked. “Although nobody ever could have known how sexy I was gonna be with this sweet imp bod. Hopefully, Goose isn’t taking too much away from Maverick.”

“He’s not,” I reassured the imp. “In fact, the Toddster is the best wingman a guy could ask for.”

“Aww shucks,” Todd mused and bashfully kicked at the ground with his hoof. “You can’t tell because of the red skin, but I’m totally blushing right now.”

“I think I’m gonna go change, too,” I told the imp. “The girls are probably right, it’s not a good idea to wear the same clothes for twenty-four hours straight.”

“I don’t see any issues,” Todd retorted. “My current record is two weeks. The only reason I eventually caved was because I kept getting kicked out of places. Something about smelling like ‘Satan’s asshole’ or some shit like that.”

“Thank God you don’t have to wear clothes anymore,” I shuddered as I exited the living room.

“Nope,” Todd’s voice grew distant as I walked toward the stairs. “Everything is just out there, flaunted for everyone to see. I would have done it when I was a human, but people would have totally freaked out.”

I sauntered up the brilliant marble staircase of the mansion, and the sound of my shoes clicking against the white rock reverberated throughout the main room. As I passed by the girls’ bedroom, I heard the three of them giggling and considered joining them. Unfortunately, we were already on a tight schedule, and we’d be at it for hours if I opened that door.

For the first time in a long time, I went with my gut feeling on this one.

Calling the room the girls were in their “bedroom” was actually somewhat of a stretch. Sure, it was a massive room complete with two king-sized mattresses, and it was the room that held all of their clothes, but there hadn’t been a night yet where all five of my succubi, and sometimes Jane, weren’t sharing my bed.

Maybe calling it a “wardrobe” would be more fitting?

I walked into my own dwelling and instantly began to undress. As I headed toward the walk-in closet at the far end of the room, I peeled off my shirt, pants, underwear, and socks, and tossed them one-by-one at the hamper on the other side of the room. Most of the articles of clothing were right on target, but I had to use my green Hellfire to redirect the flying pair of socks into the basket.

“Three out of four isn’t bad,” I said aloud, even though there was nobody around to hear me.

I rustled around in my oaken dresser for a moment, pulled out a pair of socks and underwear, and slid them onto my body. Once those were on, I waltzed over to the closet and admired my options.

Luckily for me, the former owner of this mansion wore the same size as I did, and he was fucking loaded to the gills. All throughout the closet were articles of clothing that looked fairly normal upon first glance. However, knowing Robert Quinn, most of these outfits probably cost more than I’d paid for Shadow.

Even though we’d been here for a few months now, I hadn’t had the time to completely go through and sort out which of Quinn’s clothes I wanted to keep and which ones I wanted to toss. Instead, I just added my own clothes to the fray and that created an eclectic mixture of styles, half a twenty-something like myself would wear and half of an eccentric billionaire cowboy.

I needed something stylish but still flexible enough to fight in. I’d fought in a full tux once before, and it was a real bitch. If all went well, we wouldn’t even need to enter the club or get into a direct conflict with anybody.

With our luck, I knew better.

As I mulled over my fashion choices, I noticed Quinn’s gigantic collection of bolo ties sitting in the back, right behind a series of tan suits. For a fleeting moment, I considered it. Then I remembered how ridiculous it looked on the man himself and realized it would only look ten times worse on me. Todd had already raided the selection of cowboy hats, so the outfit would have been incomplete, anyway.

Finally, I settled on something a little bit more traditional. I grabbed a pair of slim-fit jeans, a brown belt, a green collared shirt, and called it good. Topping off my outfit was a pair of light brown shoes. It may not have been anything too flashy or stylish, but something subtle was probably what this mission needed anyway.

I made my way back out to the hallway, and I noticed the girls’ door was wide open. A quick peek inside told me they were already finished changing and were probably back down with Todd. As I sauntered down the marble staircase, I heard chuckles from the living area, and my suspicions were confirmed.

“There he is!” Todd exclaimed as I walked into the living room. “Yeesh, I figured you’d be out way before they were. What were you doing up there, getting some alone time with Palmala Handerson?”

“I just wanted to look good for my girls.” I winked at the succubi.

“Well, you did a bang-up job,” Ira cooed. “It takes a lot of talent to pull off something that simple, but you’re rocking it.”

“I think I’d enjoy ogling at Jacob in a potato sack, honestly.” Cupi shrugged. “He can make anything look incredible.”

“Speak for yourself,” I shot back at the succubi. “You guys are killing the ‘sexy casual’ look.”

They really were.

Libidine was wearing a yellow romper with a pattern of white and pink florals peppered throughout. She must have noticed my attention was on her, because she did a little twirl as I gawked. As she spun, her curvy ass and breasts jiggled along with the loose-cut fabric of the outfit.

It was like heaven on Earth.

“You like it?” the dark-haired succubus asked with a flirty look in her eyes. “They call it a ‘romper.’ I saw one at the store the other day, and I just had to have it. It’s so comfortable, it almost feels like I’m wearing nothing!”

“You’re definitely wearing something sexy,” Ira purred. “I went with something much more classy and traditional. Jacob, do you like it?”

Ira was wearing a light blue blouse that was more business-casual. Large frills ran vertically down the torso, and its sleeves were cut off mid-bicep. On her lower body, the succubus wore a pair of black trousers and matching colored high heels.

“I do,” I agreed as my eyes roamed her perfect body.

“How about me, Jacob?” Cupi motioned to herself. “Plain and boring, but functional.”

“You’re too hard on yourself, Sister,” Ira said sympathetically. “You look absolutely stunning.”

Cupiditas was wearing a sleeveless white turtleneck that hugged against her torso and pressed tightly against her perky nipples. She wore a pair of torn jeans on her lower half, as well as some black slip-on shoes. Around her wrist she wore a bracelet that looked like it was made of solid gold.

“I love your outfit, but where did you get that?” I pointed at the piece of jewelry.

“It was in that bedroom with all of our clothes,” the blonde explained. “Probably from one of Quinn’s mistresses. I’m not sure if it’s real or not.”

“Let me see!” Todd demanded as he dashed over beside Cupi. “I’ve seen this done a million times on TV.”

The succubus slipped the bracelet off her wrist and handed it to the imp.

Todd folded it over in his tiny hand, held it up to his mouth, and then bit down on the piece of jewelry. Instantly, there was a loud cracking sound, and Todd’s eyes widened with surprise. The imp pulled the bracelet out of his mouth, dropped it back into Cupi’s hand, and then began to rub his mouth painfully.

“Yup,” he mumbled through his hand, “it’s real, alright.”

“Are you okay, Todd?” Libidine asked with concern in her voice.

“I’ll be fine,” he reassured. “Nothing Sia can’t fix.”

The imp pulled his hand away from his lips and held out his palm. In the middle of his hand sat a pointy yellow tooth. Todd slowly sat it down on the end table next to the couch, patted it gently, and then stepped away.

Ira glanced up at the clock on the wall. “We should get going,” she announced. “Ose’s shop is still open, but generally, he closes up whenever the fuck he feels like it.”

I walked over to the breakfast bar and snatched up a set of keys that was laying inside of a bowl. “Since Shadow’s a little under the weather, I figured we could take one of Quinn’s old cars,” I explained. “Who’s up for a ride in the GT?”

“Bro, I thought you’d never ask,” Todd exclaimed happily. “I was born ready.” The imp and the succubi headed toward the garage, and I followed in close pursuit.

We had a demon to turn and a party to crash, and I really didn’t want to be late.

Chapter 17

“This thing is so badass!” Todd was on the verge of tears as we sped down the highway. “So much better than that beat-up old rust bucket we used to call a vehicle.”

“Lola?” I said in surprise. “I’m surprised you’d ever say a bad word about her.”

“How dare you?” the imp gasped. “Lola was the greatest sex wagon in the history of the planet Earth! I’m talking about Shadow.”

“Right … ” I sighed.

“Seriously, bro,” Todd continued. “Why didn’t we take this thing out sooner?”

“Because,” I explained and motioned to the backseat, “there’s barely any room in here. Look at how cramped it is with just the five of us.”

Liby and Cupi were sitting in the back seat of the red Maserati GT with their legs nearly up to their chests. Meanwhile, Ira sat in the passenger seat, and Todd sat on her lap.

“You can’t tell me this is comfortable,” I pushed back at the imp.

“It’s not,” Todd shook his head, “but it’s worth it. The chicks are gonna be all over the Toddster when we roll up in this thing.”

As much as I hated to admit it, Todd had a point. We may have been crammed into this sports car like a can of sardines, but it sure as hell felt good to drive.

We were cruising down the highway at nearly seventy miles an hour, and the car was showing no signs of fatigue. The engine was still roaring loudly like a tiger, but our ride was as smooth as if we were driving at ten miles per hour. Every time we stopped at a stop light, we drew looks of jealousy and awe from the other drivers on the road.

I could get used to this.

“She needs a name,” Todd interrupted my thoughts.

“I’m sure she already has one,” I retorted. “Quinn definitely seems like the kind of guy who would name all his expensive possessions.”

“Yeah, but he probably named it something stupidly Western, like ‘Bessie’ or ‘Annabelle’ or some shit like that,” Todd protested. “A car this sexy needs to have a name like ‘Eva’ or ‘Flash’ or ‘Red Rocket.’”

I just looked over at Todd and gave him a look of disapproval. At the same time, Ira stifled a giggle.

“Okay, okay,” Todd conceded. “Maybe not ‘Red Rocket.’ Sometimes I say things before I can think them through all the way. It’s all part of the Toddster charm.”

“Flauros was very sentimental about the fall of Lucifer,” Cupi spoke up from the back of the vehicle. “Her name probably has to do with that time period. If I had to float a guess, I’d say it’s probably ‘Stella.’”

“Like the old Marlon Brando flick?” I asked.

“The name ‘Stella’ means ‘star’ in Latin,” Cupi continued. “The fall of Lucifer is often associated with the story of Venus, the morning star.”

“I could live with ‘Stella.’” I smiled and revved the engine again. “She seems like a Stella.”

“And I approve, simply for all the pop culture references I can make.” Todd snickered and fell to his knees. “Steeeelllllaaaaa!”

“That’s going to get old.” Cupi sighed. “It’s going to get very old very quickly.”

“It was about time we got another vehicle,” I announced over Todd’s theatrics. “With Sia taking over the Velvet Lips and Ira going to be on the campaign trail all the time, we can’t all rely on Shadow.”

“What about us?” Libidine questioned sadly. “Will we have to go off on our own, too?”

“Only if you want to,” I said with a soft smile into the rearview mirror. “Unlike your previous masters, I don’t give a damn what you decide to do. If you want to go off and have a career on your own, be my guest. If you want to hang around me for all of eternity, also be my guest. My succubi are always free to do what they want!”

“I want to stay around you,” Liby confirmed. “I’ll leave all these Earthly pleasures to my sisters.”

“Glad to hear.” I nodded. “And who knows? Maybe after Azazel is defeated once and for all, we can go retire to some quiet tropical island somewhere and spend the rest of our lives partying and soaking up the sun on the beach.”

“That sounds more lovely than you could ever imagine,” Cupi said with a soft sigh. “To finally be free. Like, really free. Azazel is the only thing standing between us and our goal.”

“That’s why Jakey’s gonna steal all his women, fuck ‘em, and then get strong enough to go down into the underworld and blow Azazel’s dick off!” Todd explained.

“Phrasing.” I laughed. “Phrasing, Todd.”

“My bad,” the little imp apologized. “Jakey’s gonna go down there and beat the dick off Azazel!”

Todd’s words were met with silence, and he must have taken the hint.

“Wait,” Todd implored. “Let me try that again. You’re gonna go down into Hell and pound the shit outta his dick with your bare hands.”

“Why do I have to attack his dick?” I asked and tried to lead the imp to what he was trying to say.

“Because that’s his greatest weakness,” Todd said matter-of-factly. “You know how the old saying goes, ‘cut off the dick, and the body will die.’”

“Head,” I corrected. “It’s ‘cut off the head--”

“Brilliant!” Todd grinned. “Cut off the head of his dick and leave the rest as a reminder of what you’ve done. He’ll go by the name ‘stumpy’ for the rest of his days. That’s a fate way worse than death, bro … ”

“It’s this exit right here.” Ira pointed to a sign on the side of the road. “Not to interrupt your talk about genital mutilation.”

“Apology accepted, Crazy Eyes,” Todd said as he waved her concern away.

“So what’s Ose like?” I quickly took the opportunity to change the subject. “Is he super dangerous?”

All three of the succubi let out a snort at the same time.

“Ose?” Ira asked. “Dangerous? He’s one of the weakest members of the Seventy-Two Servants.”

“You said he might try to fight back.” I shrugged. “I’m just trying to prepare, that’s all.”

“If Ose fights back, I am more than capable of taking him on my own,” Ira promised. “He’s a little bitch.”

Todd fumbled, reached toward the floor, and pulled up a pair of sunglasses. “If you have to kick his ass, can you plleaaase wear these?” he asked. “They’re camera glasses with full audio. I snagged ‘em just in case we had to Weekend at Bernie’s this guy, but if he’s really as much of a wimp as you say he is, I want to watch you beat him up in real time. In full HD.”

“That’s actually not a bad idea,” I added, “but when did you have time to buy them?”

“Huh?” Todd asked as he blinked at me.

“The glasses?” I asked. “When did you buy them? We didn’t really have--”

“Okay, so I may have already had them.” Todd cleared his throat. “You probably shouldn’t ask.”

“Yeeeeaaahhh,” I sighed, but my brain was already spinning stories of the various ways my best friend had used the recording glasses. “Anyways, we could be watching from Todd’s phone while you’re--”

“Your phone,” Todd interrupted.

“But I don’t have the app on my--”

“Oh, you do,” Todd said. “I installed it a few weeks ago. It’s in the ‘Todd’s Sexy Place’ app folder on your phone.”

“Of course it is,” I said as I rolled my eyes. “As I was saying, we can watch Ira talking talking to Ose on my phone, and if things start to go south, we can rush in and help.”

“I appreciate your concern--turn here,” the succubus commanded, and I whipped the sports car around the corner. “As I was saying, I appreciate your concern, but I am more than capable of handling an Earl of Hell. Those guys are only one step above succubi.”

“Exactly,” I agreed. “They’re still higher on the Chain of Being. Just wear the glasses, Ira. Please? It’d make us all feel a lot better.”

Ira snatched the sunglasses from Todd’s hand, opened them up, and then put them onto her head. “Fine,” she sighed, “but for the record, I look ridiculous. The shop should be up here on the right, FYI.”

We pulled up to the storefront of the demon’s shop and were met with a large sign that read “Dika’s Haven.”

“Is that really the best name he could come up with?” Todd snarked. “It sounds like the name of a boss lair from the most generic video game in the world.”

“Like I said,” Ira sighed and slid the glasses down over her eyes, “Ose isn’t exactly a force to be reckoned with. Let me out here, Jacob.”

I nodded and rolled to a stop a block away from the new age store.

“We’ll be right over there in that parking lot, watching on my phone,” I promised. “If things start to look like they’re getting out of hand, we’ll be there in a flash.”

“There’s a mic and little earpiece in there, too,” Todd reminded the succubus. “You can hear us, and we can hear you.”

Ira nodded, and then she picked up Todd and sat him down on the console of the GT. The succubus unfastened her seatbelt, opened the door, and then stepped out into the street. She gave us a reassuring nod, and then she slammed the door shut behind her.

I pulled the sports car into an alleyway about a block away and killed the engine. Quickly, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my phone, and opened the app connected to the spy glasses.

The live feed popped up onto the screen with text that read, “Connecting, please stand by.”

“Fuck,” Cupi growled. “I thought these ‘cell phone’ things were supposed to make everything more convenient?”

“If only,” I said with a snort. “Just give it a minute, my signal is a little weaker here.”

I shook it a couple times, and the camera’s stream finally started. We were seeing things from Ira’s point of view as she pushed open the door of the shop.

There was the sound of a bell ringing and a metallic creak as the door opened, and then she was standing inside of a small room. This place certainly looked like your typical New Age shop, with colorful fabrics draped all over the shelves and incense smoke drifting off multiple burners.

Even though we weren’t physically there, I was sure the entire place smelled like sage and cedar.

“Hello?” Ira called out into the empty shop. “Anybody hooomee?”

Just off to the left, a curtain of hanging beads rustled and an older-looking man stepped through the threshold. The demon wore a ridiculously large purple headband over his fading black hair, and on his chest rested a leather vest that would have made Davy Crockett jealous. He had a floral-patterned shirt underneath the vest, and a pair of black pants held up by one of the biggest belt-buckles I’d ever seen.

Yep, this was our guy, alright.

“Is that … Ira?” Ose asked happily and extended his arms out in welcome. The demon had a thick Slavic accent, precisely as the Sister of Wrath warned.

Ira moved in and gave Ose a warm hug. The succubus seemed calm through all of this, but the tension in the air was thick on our end. All it would take was a quick strike while her guard was down, and Ose could end Ira without much of a fight.

“It’s been too long, old friend,” Ira’s voice replied happily.

Ose motioned toward the corner of the room. “I’ve just finished putting on some tea,” the demon said with a smile. “Come. Sit down and drink with me.”

“I’d be honored,” the succubus answered and then began to follow.

Ira sat down at a tiny table with a shiny yellow tablecloth, and the demon sat down opposite of her.

“What’s with these silly glasses?” Ose pulled back and motioned to the sunglasses. “Your eyes are always so beautiful. Why hide them?”

“Unfortunately, my ‘beautiful eyes’ are still purple,” the dark-haired woman explained. “Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you probably know I’m currently running for congress.”

“Really?” Ose mused. “I never took you as someone to get involved in the political world. Although, it is a pretty good fit. Dominatrix and all. They’ll love that in Washington. I apologize for not knowing about your candidacy, but you know how I like to keep to myself. I haven’t even spoken to the other Seventy-Two Servants since the incident at the Salesforce Tower.”

“Ah, yes,” Ira continued. “The meeting to figure out what to do about the mortal.”

“Precisely.” The demon nodded. “Speaking of which, how is that Cerberus clone you and Azazel are working on? I hope you let me see it before it’s sent into battle.”

“Unfortunately, he’s already been defeated.” Ira sighed. “He was beautiful, though.”

“The mortal again?” Ose’s face grew grim.

The video shook up and down, and Ose sat back in his chair.

The demon rubbed at his chin as he pondered Ira’s words, and then he leaned forward with one hand on his thigh.

“So a mortal defeated Azazel for the third time?” he asked. “This would almost be funny if it wasn’t so scary.”

“Scary?” Ira responded. “What’s so scary about it? He may have defeated us, but he’s still just a mortal. He’ll never be strong enough to defeat my master, at least not while all of his succubi are standing by his side.”

“Aye,” Ose agreed. “I heard about Superbia and Libidine and Cupiditas. I never would have thought any of them would go turncoat. If anything, I would have figured it’d be Tris or Invidia.”

“That’s actually what brings me here,” Ira admitted.

“Oh?” the demon’s face contorted, and I began to worry something was up.

“Sister Tris and Sister Gula are in town on Azazel’s orders,” Ira explained. “They’re throwing this massive party to try and gain us more followers, but I’m concerned the mortal might try to crash it. Jacob already caused havoc at both of their last two recruiting bashes.”

“I see,” the demon sighed, “and what do you want me to do about it?”

“I’m worried the mortal will try to woo them as he has wooed the other succubi in the Circle of Sin,” Ira continued. “Now, I’m not one for all the theatrics like my sisters are. My question to you is this: would you be willing to act as my personal liaison to Tris and Gula?”

“Why can’t you just go talk to them yourself?” Ose asked curiously.

“Because my Sisters and I had a falling out,” Ira explained. “As you can imagine, Azazel was not too happy when our Cerberus clone was destroyed. He punished me, and not in a ‘harder, daddy’ type of way.”

“See?” Todd snickered in the seat beside me. “I told you I liked this one.”

Ose frowned. “That’s terrible, Ira.”

“It was awful,” the succubus continued. “Needless to say, my master doesn’t trust me anymore, and he ordered me to stay as far away from Tris and Gula’s party as possible, but I don’t trust those two clowns at all. They’re going to cave to Jacob and his lies as soon as they hear them, I just know it.”

“So you want me to be your eyes and ears?” Ose pondered.

“Just to get me into the party,” she explained, “and to help me keep an eye on my Sisters. The last thing Azazel needs is to lose another succubi when he’s already lost three.”

“I’m actually impressed, Ira.” The demon nodded. “If that mortal could have gotten Superbia on his side, I figured you’d be next in line.”

Ira scoffed at Ose’s comment and let out a laugh. “I’d never join the world of the mortals. Besides, he works for the Divine. What kind of a life is that?”

There was a high-pitched squealing sound from the back room, and Ose sat up in his chair.

“That’d be the tea!” he exclaimed as he hopped to his feet. “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere, my friend.”

As soon as the demon disappeared behind the bead curtain, I raised my phone up to my mouth. “Ira, I don’t like this,” I warned. “He seems a little too eager to jump on board with this plan.”

“Relax,” the succubus whispered. “Ose didn’t even know about the battle with Cerberus. I’ve got him right where I want him.”

“Just … just don’t drink the tea,” I implored. “Please. I don’t trust this guy.”

“Fine.” Ira sighed. “I won’t accept anything from Ose that could possibly be poisoned.”

“Thank you,” I mumbled into the earpiece. “I’ve just got a really bad feeling about this.”

“Here we go!” Ose exclaimed as he walked back into the room holding two cups of tea. “Fresh out of the kettle.”

“Thanks, Ose,” Ira said playfully. “So, what’s the verdict? Will you help me spy on Gula and Tris?”

“If this were any other demon, I’d probably say no,” the colorful man mused, “but because we go way back, sure. I’ll help you. As long as Azazel doesn’t find out.”

“You have my word,” Ira promised. “Azazel will be none the wiser.”

Ose picked up his cup and downed it in a single gulp. He let out an “ahh” sound, and then motioned to the succubus.

“Go on,” he smiled. “Try it. It’s my own special blend.”

My heart sank at the demon’s words, and I unfastened my seatbelt.

“What are you doing?” Cupi hissed from behind me. “You’re going to blow her cover.”

“Something’s not right,” I whispered. “He’s too laid back about all of this.”

“Oh, I think I’m going to pass,” Ira explained softly. “I’m on a detox diet right now, and tea is one of my forbidden items. Gotta keep my slim figure. It’s good for my public image, you know?”

“Please, Ira,” Ose continued. “I insist. It’ll be good for you.”

Ira let out an awkward chuckle. “I appreciate you brewing this for me, Ose, I really do. I’m just not in a tea-drinking mood right now.”

“Ira,” the demon’s voice now grew angry. “You are a guest in my shop. Please, it would be disrespectful to not accept my offer.”

“Why are you so insistent I drink from this cup, Ose?” Ira asked accusingly.

The demon slammed his hands palm-down on the table. “You are being very rude, you know,” he growled, and his eyes began to glow green.

“Fuck this.” I tossed my phone into the cubby on the dash and threw open the door. “I’m going in.”

“Right behind you, Jakey!” Todd exclaimed, but I was already out of the car and dashing toward the shop.

It didn’t take me long before I was at the door, and I nearly tore it off the handles as I entered.

Ose had Ira on the ground with an emerald spell, and he was about to force the tea into her mouth.

Without even thinking, I launched a shot of red Hellfire at the fucker. Ose looked up right as the ball of flames struck him in the chest. The demon flew back into the wall and then fell down onto his hands and knees.

The teacup shattered onto the ground beside him, and the liquid inside evaporated with a sizzle.

“So it is true,” he growled and nursed his side. “You are with the mortal now.”

“You’re gonna pay for trying to poison her, asshole,” I warned and summoned another cast of crimson fire into my hand.

“Poison her?” he laughed as he stood to his feet. “I wasn’t going to kill her. Just make her unconscious long enough to deliver her back to Azazel, where she belongs!”

Ose’s eyes glowed green, and the wall of statues on the far side of the shop flew off the walls.

I quickly threw up a wall of purple, and the ceramic projectiles shattered as they struck the protective Hellfire. At the same time, I shot another ball of red flames at the bastard. Ose used his telekinesis to throw the tea table into the path of the fireball, and it was incinerated instantly.

“The cavalry has arrived!” Todd exclaimed as he and the succubi burst through the door. The imp made a trumpet sound with his mouth, and a small barrage of fireballs shot out from behind his lips like angry bubbles.

Simultaneously, a handful of Liby’s yellow daggers flew across the room, but Ose’s eyes glowed once more, and a few of the large wooden shelves were torn from the wall. A few of the shelves landed in front of the demon and acted as a makeshift shield, but Cupi caught a good half of those shelves with her blue freezing spell, and it left a massive hole in the asshole’s armor.

He let out a squeal of pain as Todd’s fireballs and Liby’s daggers struck his left side and sent him spinning.

The pain must have been enough to break his concentration, because Ira was released from her emerald prison. Then the succubus hopped back up to her feet and summoned her morning star into her hand.

“I can’t believe I trusted you, asshole,” she hissed and charged Ose.

The ceiling was encased with green fire, and the demon tried to bring it down directly in Ira’s path. I tossed out my own cast of jade Hellfire just below the crumbling ceiling, and the debris passed through the glowing portal. They then reappeared directly above Ose’s head.

I couldn’t see everything that was going on, but I could tell the fucker was forced to make a split second choice. Either save himself from the debris, or save himself from Ira.

I knew which one I would have chosen, and Ose chose the same. Ira’s body went tumbling backward with a flash of green, and then there was a loud crack as the rubble smashed into Ose from above. The spell around the shelves released, and they fell to the floor. Now, where the demon had stood, was a giant pile of debris.

“Is he dead?” Todd asked hopefully. “Because if he is, that was super fucking easy.”

Just after the words left the imp’s mouth, pieces of rubble blasted in every direction. There was a sharp pain in my right shoulder as a piece of plaster smashed into my body and sent me tumbling across the floor. I caught myself quickly and rolled with the impact so my momentum propelled me back to my feet.

All of my friends were laying on the floor groggily, but otherwise appeared to be okay. This mother fucker may have knocked us down, but we always got back up.

And now he was fucked.

I charged at Ose and hurled pieces of furniture at the demon as I ran.

Ose cackled as he knocked each of the projectiles away with his own green spells. Then, he threw out his hand toward the fallen Ira and encased her morning star with emerald fire. He raised it into the air and hurled it in my direction.

I quickly tossed up a portal of my own, and the morning star rocketed through, reappeared behind the son of a bitch, and struck him in the back of the leg.

Ose screamed as the tip of the weapon tore through his achilles tendon and poked out the front. The attack forced the demon to his knees as he tore at the weapon stuck inside him.

“Remember, bro,” Todd called out as I passed by him. “Clean kill!”

The imp was right. If I gnarled up this guy too much, this would all be for nothing.

The window pane of the storefront began to rattle and glow with emerald fire, and then it shattered. Deadly chunks of glass shot toward the five of us, and I had only a split second to toss up violet barriers before we were skewered alive.

All three of the succubi were now back on their feet, and they began to bombard Ose with spells of turquoise, red, and yellow. Ose pulled the large wooden checkout counter into the air with a flash of green, and the succubi’s spells blasted into the thick barrier, blowing off chunks but not penetrating.

This was my shot while the girls had Ose’s attention.

Without slowing my momentum, I summoned green Hellfire into my hands and aimed them directly at Ose’s head. As I passed behind the demon, I cast the spell directly around his head and jerked my hands in a circular motion.

There was a wet pop as Ose’s head twisted awkwardly, and then his body went limp. I released my spell, and the demon crumpled to the floor, dead.

“Whew,” Todd wiped the sweat from his brow. “That was totally not as easy as you made it out to be, Crazy Eyes.”

“He must have known we were coming,” Ira spat, “or at least, he knew I had turned.” The succubus walked over to the demon’s body, reached down, and dislodged her morning star from his leg. “But how? He’s practically a fucking hermit.”

“Azazel must have all of the remaining Seventy-Two Servants on Defcon One,” I suggested. “There aren’t that many of them left, after all.”

“How many of those fuckers are left, anyway?” Todd asked. “There were, like, less than a dozen who survived our wrath at the Porta ad Inferos.”

“If my memory serves me well, there should be--” Cupi said and then paused to count mentally. “Fourteen remaining. Nine of them escaped through the Porta ad Inferos, and there are five more of these demons who keep themselves isolated, much like Ose here does.”

“You mean ‘did,’” I corrected as I stepped over to the demon’s body. “I fucked up his neck pretty good.”

Now that I saw my work up close, I was somewhat mortified.

Ose’s tongue was hanging out of his mouth involuntarily, and his eyes were widened in shock. Worst of all, the demon’s neck was bent at a horrific angle, with the upper part of his spine jutting out through his flesh like a white whale breaching through a sea of gore.

“Yikes,” Todd whistled as he admired the body. “Remind me to never get on your bad side.”

“Damn,” I growled. “Even if we tried to do the whole Weekend at Bernie’s thing, he looks like a fucking corpse. How would we pass him off as a living demon.”

Todd waved his hand dismissively. “Aww, he doesn’t look that bad,” the imp scoffed. “Nothing a little TLC can’t fix.”

The imp scuttled over to Ira and snatched the spy glasses off her face. Then, he dashed over and grabbed some of the colorful fabric from the shelves that’d found its way onto the floor. Todd dashed back over to Ose’s body, slid the sunglasses in front of his eyes, and stepped back.

“Now for the gross part,” he warned. “Those with queasy stomachs might want to look away.”

Todd reached down with his tiny mitts and placed a hand on each side of the dead demon’s head.

“One … two … ”

Before he could utter “three,” the imp made a swift motion with his hands, and there was a sickly pop.

“Ah, shit,” the imp sighed. “Twisted it the wrong way. Now there’s even more sticking out. Good Lord, it looks like a crowning baby. Let me just--”

There was another wet crack.

“There!” Todd exclaimed. “Now I just need to wrap this thing around his wound, and voila, good as new.”

The imp stepped away and motioned to his creation.

Ose’s tongue was still hanging out of his mouth, but the sunglasses covered up his lifeless eyes, and the makeshift scarf hid the fatal wound around his neck.

“Not bad, eh?” Todd said as he nudged my leg playfully.

“Actually,” I admitted, “not bad at all.”

“Now all that’s left is for you and Lib to make him all animated and shit,” the imp explained. “Go on and try it!”

“I’ll take the mouth if you take the body,” Libidine offered.

“This is fucking insane,” I noted, but I couldn’t help but chuckle as I summoned green Hellfire into my hands.

I outstretched my palms toward the dead demon and encased his body in jade flames. Then I raised Ose’s body up into the air so it was standing in an upright position, and I tried to keep him looking as natural as possible.

“Ahhh, shit,” Todd sighed. “We fucked up.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked, and we all turned toward the imp.

“I can see the green fire. Can’t you all?”

“Doh,” I sighed as I realized that Todd was right. We couldn’t possibly use Ose’s animated body to sneak in if the various succubi and demons in the party saw the green hellfire. They would know someone was manipulating his body.

“Well, it was a good plan while it lasted,” Ira groaned.

“I have an idea,” I said as I looked back and forth between Liby and the floating body of the dead demon. “Can you try to just manipulate the skeleton inside of Ose instead of the exterior of his body?”

“Hmmm,” the curvy succubus hummed as she scrunched up her nose. “That just might work.”

“Let’s try,” I said, and then I altered my magic a bit so that I was using my green Hellfire magic to move the dead guy’s bones.

“It worked!” Ira said a half moment later, when the flames disappeared, but Ose continued to stand.

“Awesome!” I laughed, and then I gave Liby a high five. I knew that the flames were still “there,” but they were now wrapped around the corpses’ skeleton, and I couldn’t really see them through the muscle and fat of his body.

“This is just an example of how much power we have all gained,” Cupi said.

“For sure,” Liby agreed. “I would have never been able to manipulate something I couldn’t see before I became Jacob’s succubus. We are all getting way stronger. I love it.”

“Alright, let’s do some voice lessons,” Todd commanded, and then he hopped up onto the dead demon’s back. “Give me something to say.”

“How about ‘My name is Ose, and I’m a stupid asshole?’” Ira suggested.

“I like the way you think.” Todd winked. “Let’s try it, Liby.”

Libidine nodded and then raised her own enchanted hand. She delicately began to move her fingers, and Ose’s mouth followed suit.

“My name is Ose, and I’m a stupid asshole!” Todd snickered with the dead demon’s voice.

“You even nailed the accent,” Cupi mused. “I’m impressed.”

“It’s gonna take some practice to get all the motions right,” I explained, “but I think with enough practice we just might be able to pull this off.”

“Uh-oh, Jakey,” Todd grinned from the back of Ose’s corpse, “you know what that means?”

“What does it mean, Todd?” I humored the imp.

“We need a montage sequence!” He giggled. “Somebody queue up Eye of the Tiger, and let’s get to work.”

“I’m not carrying heavy logs in the middle of a snowstorm,” I joked as I pulled out my cell phone and clicked “play” on my music app.

This idea was fucking insane. Probably the most insane one we’d ever had.

But it was so crazy, it just might work.

Chapter 18

“Todd,” I promised my friend, “if this idea of yours actually works, I’m going to go out and buy you whatever the fuck you want. Seriously. No limits, no questions asked.”

“Sweet.” The imp grinned beside me. “I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to have one of those premium subscriptions on a porn site. I could be spanking it like royalty.”

I rolled my eyes. “That’s, uh--I really shouldn’t have asked.”

We stayed back at the shop for nearly an hour, practicing with our life-sized marionette. I’d dropped Ose’s body a couple of times, and Todd and Liby were still having some issues syncing up the demon’s lip movements, but otherwise, I think we had it down.

Now, we stood on a rooftop right across the street from the Rise Again Nightclub, while our puppet was currently stationed in the alley below. We were streaming the live feed from the sunglasses camera on my phone, and we had a perfect POV of the nightclub thanks to the glasses on the dead demon’s head.

“I still don’t get why we can’t just charge in there,” Ira said with a faint pout. “It’d be messier, but it’d be way more effective.”

“Because,” I reminded the succubus, “there’s security all around the building, and I’m sure they’re on the lookout for the five of us.”

“Then why don’t we just teleport inside?” the Sister of Wrath said as she continued to press the issue.

“I thought of that, too,” I retorted as I tapped the side of my head smartly. “I’m almost one-hundred percent sure there’s an anti-teleportation hex on this place. They’d be stupid not to do one. This is the best way for us to get in without attracting too much attention.”

“If our walking corpse’s neckerchief doesn’t fall off, that is,” Ira joked.

“It’s showtime, guys,” I announced as I ignored the succubus’ words and took a deep breath. “Does everyone remember the plan?”

“Get him in, get Tris or Gula to meet with him, and then get them isolated, away from their guards,” Cupi confirmed. “Then, we intervene.”

“Exactly.” I nodded and turned to Todd. “Ready to take your position, Toddster?”

“I was born ready, bro,” Todd agreed.

The imp gave us a hearty salute, and then he somersaulted off the side of the building. Below, there was a small crash and then the screech of an alleycat.

“I’m in position, Jakey,” Todd’s voice crackled over our communicator. “Right up in the dude’s man-purse. I think we may have gone a little overboard on the cologne though. It smells like a middle-school locker room over here.”

“We had to cover up the stench of decaying flesh somehow,” I explained. “It was either middle school locker room or morgue. I figured you’d rather have the first choice.”

“Touche,” the imp conceded. “Now, time’s a wastin’. Let’s get a move on it, bro.”

I nodded to Libidine, and then we both reached out with glowing green hands.

On the screen, we saw the camera raise up so it was at normal human eye level. We started to manipulate the body, and the camera began to saunter toward the entrance of the club.

“I totally feel like I should be instructing this guy while he’s doing flips and lifting rocks and shit,” Todd joked. “All I’m missing is the green skin and pointy ears. And the backwards vocabulary. And hundreds of years’ worth of mystical knowledge. On second thought, I’d be a terrible master.”

“Alright,” I whispered into the communicator, “you’re almost there. Time to switch to your Ose voice.”

Right at the front of the Rise Again Nightclub stood three massive security guards, all of whom certainly were demons. They towered over Ose’s corpse, which meant they each had to be at least six feet tall apiece.

One of the guards stepped forward and held out his hand angrily. “Hold it, sir,” he growled. “This party is invite only. We have very specific instructions not to let anyone in who isn’t on the list.”

Libidine began to move her fingers and manipulate the corpse’s mouth.

“Oh, I don’t mean to be any trouble,” Todd explained in Ose’s voice. “I just had a very important message to get to Tris and Gula.”

“Who?” one of the other bouncers asked angrily.

All three of the bouncer’s bodies tensed up, and they looked like they were ready to tear our puppet limb-from-limb.

“You know who I’m talking about,” “Ose” continued. “We’re all cut from the same cloth, if you get my drift.”

The bouncers let a little bit of tension out of their posture, but they continued to look skeptical.

“Just tell them that Ose is here to talk to them,” Todd continued. “It’s important.”

One of the bouncers held up a finger, and then he turned around and raised a finger to his earpiece. It was hard to make out exactly what the man was saying, but the words “Ose,” and “important” were definitely uttered. The bouncer nodded, turned around, and unlocked the velvet rope.

“Today is your lucky day,” he mused to Ose’s corpse. “You’re in. Don’t make us regret this.”

“Thank you very much, friendos!” Todd’s Ose voice called out as he passed through the entrance of the club.

Immediately, our live feed went wild. Bright neon strobe lights flashed all around the screen, and bass-filled music was blaring so loud I wondered if it was going to blow out my speakers. I forced Ose’s head to look around and survey his surroundings.

Like any good nightclub, there was a massive dance floor out in the middle. Giant cubes of soft light were suspended above the floor, and a vibrant disco-ball-like fixture was shooting off beams of neon colors all around the room. Around the outer edge of the club was wrap-around seating, complete with a walk-up bar at one end and a DJ booth at the other. Directly behind the DJ booth was a wall of screens that occasionally played clips related to the song booming over the speakers, but the screens mostly remained a singular color.

“This place is fucking nice,” Todd gawked in his regular voice. “I could see myself coming back here to pick up chicks, that’s for sure.”

“Focus, Todd,” I reminded the imp. “Jesus, it looks like this place is packed to the gills. That’s easily more than enough human batteries to bring Azazel back from the beyond. We need to find Tris and Gula asap.”

“Bro, that’ll be super easy,” Todd mused. “The way this guy dresses makes him stick out like a sore thumb. We’re quite literally a gypsy in a room full of hipsters.”

I turned to Ira and Cupiditas. “Where do you think your sisters could be hiding?” I asked.

“Todd, this is Cupi,” the blonde spoke into the communicator. “What do you smell?”

“You mean other than the overpowering stench of Ose’s perfume shower?” Todd snorted. “Let me see. I’m picking up the scent of sweat and guilt all over. Also, a little bit of fruity drink--wait. Hold the phone … that’s California Emerald Oxygen if I’d ever smelt it!”

“So there’s weed present?” Cupi asked.

“Is there ever!” Todd retorted. “That shit’s my favorite. I’d know it’s succulent smell anywhere.”

“Follow the trail,” the succubus ordered. “Tris is a notorious stoner. Find that weed, and you’ll probably find her.”

“Why are we fighting this chick, again?” Todd joked. “She sounds like my type of demon! To the right, Jakey. Two-o’clock, to be exact.”

Liby and I manipulated Ose’s body so it was now walking in the general direction Todd had given us.

“Slight left,” Todd gagged. “There’s some vomit on the floor, and I really don’t wanna step in it. Okay, now that we’re over that landmine, head to your ten.”

We moved Ose again, this time through a small crowd of people who were huddled into the corner of the club. Once our puppet made it through the throngs of people, we saw our target.

There, on the couch, sat Sister Tris.

The tall brunette was holding a joint in her hands, taking the occasional puff of reefer in between her banter with the club’s patrons. She looked over at Ose’s body, and a wide smile grew across her face.

“It really is you!” Tris exclaimed as she stood up, “and here I thought this was one of Ralston’s tricks.”

“Pffftt,” Todd imitated Ose’s voice once more. “Ralston and his friends could never get through all this security. You’ve really spared no expense.”

Tris let out a giggle. “That’s totally a movie reference,” she pointed out. “I’d know, I’ve seen it about thirty-seven times. I never pegged you as a movie watcher, Ose.”

“Oh, I’m not,” the imp continued. “I just wanted to point out this party must have cost a lot of money. I’m impressed the King of the Fourth Circle would authorize this.”

Tris shrugged. “We’re hemorrhaging cult members,” she explained. “He wanted us to go out and get new members, and this is the way Gula and I do best.”

“Speaking of your sister,” Todd asked, “where did she get off to? There’s a somewhat urgent matter the three of us need to talk about.” Todd was doing surprisingly well at sticking to the script we’d practiced.

Tris took a drag off her joint and held it out to Ose. “Here, friend,” she smiled, “it’s a new strain I just know you’ll love. Of course, nothing beats the stuff you grow in your shop.”

I had Ose’s arm reach out and snatch the joint out of Tris’ grasp. Carefully, I tried to manipulate the dead demon’s hand so it raised the joint to his mouth.

“I’ll try to manipulate his diaphragm,” Libidine explained. “That’ll at least make it look like he’s inhaling.”

Through the live feed, there was the sound of a weak inhalation and a small flit of light from the end of the joint.

Then, I moved our puppet so he pulled the doobie from his mouth and handed it back to the brown-haired succubus.

“Uh, Ose?” Tris chuckled. “You’re supposed to exhale, remember?”

Libidine looked over at me and shrugged desperately. “I released my spell,” she panicked. “Why isn’t anything happening?”

“Ose!” Gula’s voice exclaimed. “What in the three realms are you doing here?”

“Our friend here says he has something important to tell us,” Tris answered. “Something urgent.”

“Look around us, Ose,” Gula mused as she came into view of the screen. “What could possibly be so important that you’d want to interrupt this amazing celebration?”

“It’s … it’s about the mortal,” Todd explained. “He and his friends stopped by my shop earlier and asked me to play double agent for them. They wanted me to pretend everything was normal, and then kill you once I got up close. I told them to go fuck themselves. They attacked me, and I barely escaped with my life.”

“That’s terrible,” Tris said sympathetically. “I can promise you that you’re safe here. We’ve put a powerful hex on this place that makes it impenetrable to most forms of Hellfire magic.”

“We’ve also stationed some of Azazel’s most powerful demons at every entrance,” Gula added. “Ralston and the other traitors aren’t getting in.”

“Is there some sort of safehouse for our kind around here?” Todd asked pathetically. “Eventually we’ll have to leave, and then what? I’ll be a sitting duck. I can’t let that happen again … ”

“Of course, my friend.” Tris nodded. “We can take you there right now, if you so wish.”

From below, there suddenly rose a commotion. A shrill scream of pain rang out from the opposite side of the nightclub building’s exterior, and the bouncers whispered to each other hysterically. Finally, one of the guards ran off to check on this new development.

“Hey, Todd,” I whispered into the communicator. “Hold off for now. There’s something going down out here. Liby, switch to dialogue option B.”

“Wait,” Ose’s corpse retorted through the video feed. “Maybe you’re right. Why should I let my paranoia ruin our night? All these people came here to have a good time, so I might as well try and have a good time with them!”

Gula and Tris both looked taken aback, but then they smiled at each other.

“Now that’s what I like to hear!” the brunette exclaimed, and then she grabbed Ose by the hand. “Wow, you’re much colder than normal.”

“I’m just a little clammy,” Todd explained, “that’s all.”

There was another scream from around the side of the building, and both guards must have realized something major was happening. They summoned Hellfire into their hands and took off out of sight, directly toward the commotion.

“Now’s our chance, Jacob!” Ira exclaimed. “They’ve left their post. We can just run straight in without--”

I tossed up my hand to silence the succubi. “Hold on,” I explained. “They’re coming back.”

As soon as I said it, all three of the guards returned to the front of the building and re-took their positions.

“That’s odd,” I squinted as I looked down at the men below. “Surely something--”

Without warning, the bouncer in the middle lashed out at the man on his right. There was a spray of crimson as the man fell to the ground and writhed in pain. Before the second man could react, his head was severed from his shoulders by a weapon we knew all too well: a chakram.

Aruna was here.

The bounty-hunter-in-thug’s-clothing dashed past the other bouncer, who was bleeding out, and through the door of the nightclub.

“Todd!” I nearly screamed into the communicator. “Aruna is here. I repeat, Aruna is here. Protect Gula and Tris at all costs.”

“Well, fuck a duck,” Todd sighed and let his real voice through.

“Ose?” Tris asked accusingly. “Your voice … ”

“Look, toots,” Todd now wasn’t trying to hide himself whatsoever, “the charade is up. I’m not really your buddy, Ose. In fact, he’s been dead for nearly two hours now, and he’s starting to smell like it, too.”

“It’s the fucking imp,” Gula hissed and summoned red Hellfire into her hands.

“Hold on, now,” Todd explained. “We’ve got way, waaaaayyy bigger problems right now. Remember that tiger assassin bitch? She’s here, right now, and she’s out to get your heads on a platter.”

“We’re on our way, Todd,” I said into the communicator and the succubi and I dashed toward the entrance. “Just try to keep Aruna off the succubi’s tail until we find her.”

I released my spell on Ose’s body, and the camera collapsed to the floor of the nightclub. At this point, I really didn’t give a fuck about keeping with the mission anymore. We just needed to keep Aruna from killing these two.

We were through the door in an instant. Once inside, I began to scan the club for anyone that could possibly be our assassin. Who was I kidding? I just saw Aruna transform into a six-foot tall muscular dude. She could literally be anybody in this place.

“We need to get to Tris and Gula,” I ordered the succubi beside me. “We can take up a defensive position, and then we’ll deal with Aruna.”

The four of us began to push through the crowd of drunken dancers, back toward where we had last seen Todd and our targets. Despite the fact that we all looked like we were in a hurry, nobody seemed to pay us any attention. Everyone just kept grinding and grooving to the beat of the bass drops blaring across the club.

“Fuck!” I yelled aloud and then pressed the button on my communicator. “Todd? It’s gonna take a little while for us to get to you. Are you and the succubi doing alright?”

“We’re headed toward the exit,” he explained. “We decided it probably wasn’t safe in this highly-populated area with an assassin who can shapeshift.”

“Good call,” I retorted. “We’ll get over there--”

I paused as some drunk dude bumped into me, and then a random girl began to grind against my side. I pushed them gently out of the way and kept talking.

“Sorry about that,” I told the imp. “There’s a lot of fucking drunk people here. We’ll meet you over by the exit, but keep your eyes peeled. Aruna could be anyone.”

“Eeeeevveeeeeenn Yoooooou.” The imp snickered in a ghastly voice. “But seriously, I’ll be on the lookout.”

Another drunken woman ran into me, and then she looked up at me hungrily as she placed her hand on my torso. As much as I appreciated the attention, we had a mission. I pushed her gently to the side and continued through the crowd.

“I really fucking wish our sisters hadn’t put an anti-teleportation hex on this place,” Cupi hissed. “That’d make things a lot easier right now.”

Todd’s voice crackled through the communicator. “I spy with my little eye … a badass demon slayer,” he said playfully.

“Is it Aruna?” I asked.

“No, bro,” the imp chuckled. “It’s you! Don’t you see me waving?”

I looked around but saw no sign of the imp.

“I don’t see anything,” I admitted.

“Don’t fuck with me, bro.” Todd sighed. “I see you right there. You’re walking right toward us. Where are the girls, though? And why are you holding onto your knife so tightly?”

I patted my belt and realized my dagger was missing from its holster. My heart sank into the pit of my stomach when I realized what was going on.

“Todd!” I yelled into the communicator. “That’s not me, it’s Aruna.”

Chapter 19

“What are you talking--holy shit!” Todd cried out from the other side of the line, and then there was nothing.

“Fuck this,” I growled and summoned purple Hellfire into my hands. “I’m parting the drunken sea.”

I clapped my hands together and formed a long thin line of violet fire in front of me, directly between a bunch of the dancing civilians. I raised my hands in opposite directions vertically, and the Hellfire rose to be seven feet tall. Then, I moved my hands in opposite directions to create two walls that gently nudged people out of our way. Once there was an opening in the crowd, the succubi and I dashed through.

Before we could even reach the end of the tunnel, I located Aruna. Directly to our right, people were screaming in terror and fleeing the scene as flashes of red Hellfire lit up the dark club.

“There!” I pointed and released my barrier.

The crowd around the fight had thinned out enough that I could just make out the figures of Aruna, Todd, and the succubi.

“Don’t engage until we get closer,” I ordered. “We don’t need any civilian casualties.”

As we approached the battle, “I” leapt out of the way of one of Gula’s massive fireballs and unleashed the chakram. Todd cartwheeled out of the way of the projectile right in the nick of time.

“Everybody was kung-fu figh-thing!” he exclaimed, landed, and then launched a snowball-sized ball of fire at the doppelganger in time with a “Ya!” My clone knocked away Todd’s attack with my goat-headed dagger, and then landed on the ground acrobatically.

“Well, this is awkward,” I growled once we got in position.

I summoned forth green Hellfire into my hands, surrounded a couple of bar stools with its shimmer, and then launched them at the impostor. At the same time, Liby tossed a handful of enchanted yellow spears at the assassin while Cupi tried to freeze Aruna with her blue fire.

My doppelganger’s body was engulfed by black ectoplasm as it backflipped over the barrage of projectiles effortlessly. The clone finally landed on its feet, and its body was now back in the form of the deadly assassin, Aruna. The Rakshasi may have dodged our magic spells, but unfortunately for her, Ira was more of a “hands-on” type of player.

The Sister of Wrath brought her morning star down directly onto Aruna, and the assassin barely managed to halt the spiked weapon with her stolen blade.

With a grunt of effort, Aruna slipped out of the tangle of weapons and then proceeded to flip around Ira, slicing the succubus’s leg and arm with the chakram as she did so. Once Aruna was behind the succubus, she drop-kicked both feet into Ira’s back and sent her sprawling across the floor.

“That’s so fucking hot,” Ira cooed from the ground as golden Hellfire encased her body and stitched her wounds shut. “I hope you cut me some more.” Ira summoned turquoise fire into her hand and immediately tried to snipe the Raksashi with a stream of acidic flame.

Aruna spun away from Ira’s attack and tossed some sort of double-edged dagger at the succubus. At the same time, she somehow had the presence of mind to whip out my goat-headed dagger and hold it in front of the acid. There was the smell of melting steel and a sizzling sound as the blade corroded but thankfully didn’t break.

“Hey!” I hissed and launched a fireball at the assassin. “Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to destroy other people’s property?”

Aruna dashed directly at my fireball, vaulted over the projectile, and raised my dagger into the air. She came down right on top of me, but I tossed up a quick shield of purple before the blade could pierce my skull.

Instead, there was a deafening snap, and I saw the blade of my beloved dagger fly off to the side. Before I could even react, Aruna threw up her legs, wrapped them around my waist, and then used her momentum to throw me to the ground.

I tumbled across the sticky floor of the club, only stopping when I threw out a barrier of purple to halt my momentum.

Aruna had no time to respond as we all began to assault her with spells from every spectrum of the rainbow. Still, the assassin had, well, tiger-like reflexes and barely managed to stay one step ahead of our onslaught.

After ducking past another of Liby’s yellow daggers, the Rakshasi hopped into the air once again to go on the offensive, but this time Cupi was prepared for her. Right as Aruna hit the top of her jump, the blonde succubus smashed into her violently using her wings.

The two women tumbled through the air and then crashed into the ground about fifty feet away from us. Both of the warriors jumped back to their feet instantly and began to go at it in hand-to-hand combat.

As I ran towards the fighting women, Aruna tossed a handful of her black ectoplasmic substance in my direction. The ooze struck me in the chest and then instantly began to travel across my body. I pulled back and tugged at the gooey material, but it just kept spreading.

“Jacob!” Todd and Ira said in unison, and they ran over to help.

The substance ran down to my legs, and I could no longer move. I felt Todd and Ira tugging at the ectoplasm as it began to engulf my head, but it wasn’t going anywhere. The last thing I saw before the world went dark was a spray of debris upward as Aruna morphed into some large animal.

Then there was nothing.

I could still hear my friends’ muffled screams through the suffocating goo, but there was nothing I could do to help them.

The entirety of my life began to flash before my eyes. I saw all my friends back in Kansas City. I saw my family. I saw the succubi. When my memories hit the last few months, a dull throb begin to rise up in my body. I saw a bright white light, and I assumed this was it. The big one. The end of the line.

No. It couldn’t be.

It was the power of the Divine filling my soul. I tried to scream as I channeled the energy outward in all directions. There was another flash of brilliant white light, and then I was floating up in the middle of the room.

“Your horns!” Ira gasped.

“Holy fuck!” Todd exclaimed. “You really are a grower, not a shower, aren’t you?”

I reached up and felt at the horns on my head. They were twice the size they normally were, and I could see out of my peripheral vision they were glowing with a deep blue magic.

Down below, Cupi and Liby were both trying their best to keep Aruna at bay, but the assassin was relentless.

The Rakshasi ducked under a wave of red Hellfire, rolled across the floor, and lurched upward at Cupi. As she propelled herself upward, Aruna unsheathed a katar out of her belt and thrust it toward the succubus’ jaw.

Cupi threw her face backward seconds before the blade of the brass-knuckled sword would have put her head on a pike.

Just as the blade passed in front of the blonde’s nose, Libidine threw a couple of her enchanted daggers at Aruna. Without missing a beat, the assassin spun around and knocked away the projectiles with her katar. In another swift motion, she leapt into the air and roundhouse kicked Libidine in the face.

The dark-haired succubus’ body twirled around and then collapsed to the ground.

Cupi lashed out at the Rakshasi with a glowing fist, but this time Aruna was too fast. Before the succubus’ attack could connect, Aruna swiveled her body around and came down with a windmill kick.

The blow struck Cupi at the top of her skull and put her out cold.

“I don’t know about you guys,” I spat as my feet touched back onto the ground, “but I’m really fucking tired of this shit.”

Ira and Todd both charged at Aruna, and I provided a few blasts of Divine light as covering fire.

“Me too!” Ira growled, lit herself up with pink Hellfire, and prepared to split into two.

Meanwhile, Todd’s tiny frame was much quicker than Ira’s, so the imp reached his opponent first. Todd propelled himself off the ground and somersaulted at Aruna, but she instinctively ducked and swung her katar at the lightning-fast assailant.

There was a loud crack, and a piece of black ivory flew from a blur of red. Todd landed and touched at his right horn, which was now little more than a stump jutting out of his forehead.

“Son of a bitch!” he growled, but Aruna paid him no attention as she was already engaging with both of Ira’s halves.

I unleashed another round of Divine light at the assassin and forced her to dodge sideways … right into the sub’s waiting whip.

The enchanted tail of the bone-whip lashed around Aruna’s right arm and yanked her katar away violently. At the same time, the dom swung her morning star at the Rakshasi’s skull and just narrowly missed. Distracted by the dual forms of the succubus, Aruna was completely helpless when Todd leap at her back.

Unfortunately, the assassin quickly called the ectoplasmic substance to her neck and blocked Todd’s blow. The imp fell backward and waved his hands violently as the magic goo spread across his body.

I threw out another wave of blinding light, but it did little more than inconvenience the Rakshasi as she continued to fight.

Fuck. There had to be something more I could do. She’d already taken out three of my friends, and as much as I respected Ira’s fighting skills, Aruna was currently acting like an animal backed into a corner. That made the Rakshasi even more deadly than normal.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a glint of light. My goat-headed dagger. Or, at least, what was left of it.

I reached out and called the broken blade back into my hands with a cast of green flames. The weapon rocketed back into my right hand, and I examined it for a moment. The hilt was still completely intact, and there was still a jagged edge where the steel blade was once attached.

Fuck it. It was better than nothing.

I ran my hand over the remains of the dagger and enchanted it with my Divine light. The blade stretched outward until it formed into the shape of a more traditional one-handed sword. I did a quick spin to get a handle on the weapon, and then I rushed toward Aruna.

As I approached, the assassin punched Ira’s sub in the face and tugged the enchanted whip out of her hands. Instantly, the flames extinguished from the bone hilt of the weapon, and Aruna used it to her advantage.

The assassin flipped the pointed bone in her hand, ducked out of the way of the dom’s morning star, and drove the pointy end of the hilt into the sub’s stomach. The sub’s eyes widened, but I wasn’t sure if it was with shock or pleasure. She stumbled backward and fell on her ass as she fumbled at the hilt of her own weapon.

Finally, I was in the thick of the chaos. I lashed out at Aruna, but she rolled out of the way of my blade. Instead, the glowing light of the Divine struck the dom’s morning star and sent it spiraling across the room.

“Sorry!” I apologized and then turned to face down the Rakshasi.

“I was hoping you’d get in on the action, handsome.” Aruna grinned. “I was starting to get bored.” The assassin reached back into her belt and produced another unknown weapon. It was short like a dagger, but it looked completely different than any weapon I’d ever seen before, with a broader blade that was only sharpened on one side. Most jarringly, the hilt of the weapon was thin and long, like the handle of an axe.

“I’ll give you some action,” I growled as my eyes fixed on her weapon.

“You should be honored, mortal,” Aruna growled. “I only bring out my bhuj for my deadliest targets.”

The assassin spun around and brought the handled-dagger upward.

I quickly deflected it with a barrier of violet flame, and then swung my enchanted sword at the Rakshasi. At the same time, Ira unleashed a handful of acidic Hellfire at point-blank range.

Aruna twirled the hilt of her bhuj to block my attack, but I twisted my weapon to bind her blade long enough that the burst of acid splattered across her arm. The Rakshasi let out a scream of pain as Ira’s spell sizzled the flesh on her left shoulder, and then she flipped her blade to her other hand to swipe at Ira’s feet.

This time, her attack connected, and there was a brief spray of blood as the succubus’ shin was sliced open like a grape. Ira fell to her knees, and Aruna finished her off with a boot to the face.

“Fuck you, bitch!” I screamed as I summoned Hellfire into my free hand.

I lashed out at Aruna and punched the angry assassin directly where Ira had hit her before. At the same time, I stabbed at her gut with my blade.

The Rakshasi’s head rocked backward from the punch, but she had the presence of mind to reach out and grab my enchanted blade with her bare hand. Her desperation play was enough to keep me from impaling her, but she was now roaring with pain as the flesh on her hand burned with Divine light. Aruna brought her bhuj back around and smashed it hilt-first into my face.

The world went topsy-turvy for a moment from the impact of the blunt handle, but I quickly reoriented myself. Then I threw up a spell of purple just in time to block the incoming windmill of Aruna’s blade.

As the blade sparked off the shield, I tried to toss down a portal of green Hellfire at the assassin’s feet, but she backflipped into the air and out of harm’s way. While she was tumbling backward, I tried to hit her with another few shots of Divine light, but it was to no avail.

As she passed over her chakram, the assassin dislodged the weapon from the floor. She landed gracefully on her feet and readied both of her deadly blades.

“I’m trying to play fair here,” I warned, “but you’re making it really fucking hard.”

“You talk too much, mortal,” the assassin hissed as she twirled around and tossed the bladed disk in my direction.

I threw up a portal of green in front of the incoming projectile and it passed harmlessly through. Now, I had a split-second decision to make.

Did I try to reroute the attack back at Aruna, or did I try to get cute with my powers?

This fight could have gone on forever if I wasn’t careful, so option B it was.

Another emerald portal opened above the assassin’s head, and the chakram came careening through. I quickly summoned violet Hellfire into my hands and motioned upward. Then, I charged at the assassin.

Four barriers of purple blasted up around the Rakshasi, momentarily trapping her in a flaming prison. More importantly, the newly-formed tunnel caused the chakram to ricochet off the walls with downward momentum.

Aruna’s hands glowed with black ectoplasm, and she tried to punch her way through the violet Hellfire. Although she was making some headway, her blows weren’t quick enough. She quickly held up her bhuj horizontally to block the incoming blade, and the chakram bounced up into the air.

My little distraction had given me all the time I needed to close the gap. I released the purple spell, conjured white light into my left hand, and then blasted Aruna in the stomach at point-blank range.

The assassin dropped her bhuj as she was launched upward. Out of nowhere, Cupi’s slender frame flew up and tackled the Rakshasi in midair.

The two women were now tumbling around on the floor, lashing out at each other. Cupi managed to get the upper hand for a moment as she straddled the Raksashi, but before the fallen angel could punch the assassin’s face in, Aruna managed to get her feet up and kicked Cupi hard in the gut. The force of the kick launched Cupi into the air, and then the assassin tossed her chakram at the succubus.

I caught the flying disk of death seconds before it would have severed the blonde’s spine and held it in place.

At the same time, Ira charged with her morning star held high.

Aruna quickly summoned ectoplasm over her body. Her figure morphed right as the succubi reached her, and a blow from Cupi’s enchanted fist sent her stumbling backward. Still disoriented, she barely managed to catch Ira’s morning star by the shaft and kneed the Sister of Wrath in the stomach.

Ira doubled over in pain, and then Aruna’s form was finally changed.

Before me stood two Cupis.

“Ah, fuck.” I sighed. “Not this whole song and dance.”

The two versions of the blonde succubus dove right back into hand-to-hand combat, but in the commotion, I couldn’t tell which one was which. Cupi was the agile fighter of our group, and the one who matched Aruna’s style the closest. This was actually quite a brilliant play by the Rakshasi assassin.

“Which one do we go after?” Ira growled.

“I--I dunno,” I admitted. “Just give me a--”

I looked back and forth between the two versions of Cupi and tried to look for anything that could reveal their true identity.

One of the Cupis punched the other in the gut and then kneed her in the face. Without missing a beat, the injured Cupi swung her fist up and uppercutted the other directly underneath her chin. The blonde stumbled back, wiped a drop of blood from her mouth, and then tackled her clone to the ground.

“Son of a bitch,” I growled. “This is gonna be impossible. Unless-- Cupi! Stand down! That’s an order!”

Instantly, both of the succubi stopped fighting and jumped back to their feet. They both stared at each other intensely, their bodies heaving from what I assumed was exhaustion, but neither of them attacked.

“Jacob, it’s me!” one of the blondes pleaded.

“Fucking liar!” the other one said with a pointed finger. “Aruna’s trying to trick you. Don’t fall for it.”

“You know.” I shook my head and summoned red Hellfire into my hands. “I always fucking hated this trope.”

“How big is Jacob’s dick?” Ira asked out of the blue.

I shot her a raised eyebrow, and the succubus shrugged.

“What?” she shrugged. “The real Cupi would know, wouldn’t she?”

“Oh, it’s fucking huuuge,” the blonde on the left mused.

The other one looked me right in the eye and slowly began to pull down the waistband of her pants. “Yes, it’s much, much bigger than Azazel’s,” she continued, “and Earl’s.”

“Earl was an asshole,” the other Cupi continued. “He wasn’t as kind or as loving as you are, Jacob. Can’t you see it’s me?”

The succubus on the right lowered her waistband down just far enough that her left thigh was exposed. There, right below her tiny waist, sat the scar from one of Earl’s torture sessions.

It was her.

“Honey,” the real Cupi hissed, “you don’t even know the half of it. Earl left his mark on me, in more ways than one.”

“I know,” the “other Cupi” mused. “He tortured us so badly that--”

Before the imposter could finish her sentence, I blasted her with a huge ball of red Hellfire. Her body careened through the air, struck the wall, and then fell to the ground. As she groggily stirred, the blonde turned back into Aruna.

I quickly cast a spell of emerald fire around the Rakshasi and lifted her into the air upside down. I made sure to keep the deadly woman at a distance, but I brought her in close enough so she could be interrogated.

The air of the nightclub was suddenly filled with Aruna’s amused laughter. “You are just as impressive as I’ve heard, mortal,” she sighed. “It’s almost a shame the fight has to end here. I yield.”

“What the fuck are you talking about,” I hissed. “This fight ends when I say it does.”

“Of course,” Aruna cackled, “but I have a sneaking suspicion you’re going to end it here and now once you hear what I have to say.”

“Oh?” I asked. “You’d better start talking then. Before I lose my paper-thin patience.”

Aruna rolled her eyes. “Here.” She nodded behind me. “A sign of good faith.”

The assassin’s eyes glowed black, and I prepared myself to go another round.

“Holy fuck,” Todd’s voice called out from behind. “I’m free! The Toddster gets to fight another day!”

“What about the succubi?” I demanded. “I’m not going to forgive you for nearly killing them.”

“The Sister of Wrath has already healed herself,” Aruna pointed out, “and the other two are just shaken up. Look, they’re already back to being good as new.”

I forced myself to turn my head around and check on my friends.

Todd was celebrating his survival with a series of cartwheels. Meanwhile, the succubi were back on their feet, and seemed to be doing fine. I also saw Gula and Tris fleeing across the empty nightclub.

“Mother fucker,” I hissed. “Liby, Todd, you think you can catch them? I’ve got some business to attend to with the Rakshasi.”

Todd raised an invisible walkie talkie to his mouth and made a staticky noise. “Attention all units,” he joked, “we’ve got a runner. Let’s go, Lib!”

The curvy succubus nodded, and then the two of them took off toward the other fleeing succubi.

“This seems all too convenient.” I returned my attention to Aruna. “What do you get out of all of this?”

“Less wear and tear on my body, for starters,” Aruna explained. “My job is done. Why put myself into harm’s way any more when I don’t need to?”

“Alright, so you don’t want to kill us anymore,” I pondered aloud. “That doesn’t mean we’re just going to let you walk out of here.”

“Why not?” the assassin asked coyly. “I have no quarrel with you and your friends. In fact, I would love to fight on your side one of these days. If the price is right, of course.”

“You were literally trying to kill us a few seconds ago!” I shook my head.

“What can I say?” Aruna said nonchalantly. “You pushed me to my limits and beyond even that. I literally threw every single trick I know at you, and yet you still outmatched me. Had I continued to fight, you would have beat me, and nobody’s ever done that before. Now, I yield to you, Jacob Ralston.”

“So what?” I continued. “You’re just going to switch sides because you respect me or some shit like that?”

“It has nothing to do with ‘switching sides,’” the assassin admitted. “It’s part of the Rakshasa Code. When it looks like we are about to be defeated in battle, we are allowed to yield to our opponent. We may be a race of deadly assassins, but we’re not stupid. All of us would much rather live to fight another day.”

“Who says I’m going to let you live?” I sneered.

Aruna grinned. “Because you said it yourself,” she said as she shrugged. “You aren’t a heartless killer. Also, when we were struggling … damn. You’re pretty good with that dagger of yours, but I got a feel for the real weapon you’re packing. That alone gets you respect in my eyes.”

“Let her go, Jacob,” Ira suggested. “The Rakshasa might be a sly race, but they are true to their word.”

“She stabbed you and sliced open your shin--” I protested.

“And it felt marvelous,” the succubus cooed. “As you can see, I got better.”

“Fine,” I sighed, “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

I flipped Aruna so she was standing upright, and then I released my spell on the Rakshasi.

“Thank you.” Aruna nodded and brushed dust off her shoulders. “Now, if you’ll excuse me--”

“Hold on,” I interrupted. “We’re not done yet.”

“Jakey?” Todd’s voice crackled into the communicator. “We’ve got bogeys all over the place over here. We’re trying to fight them off, but there’s way too many!”

“Bogeys?” I asked.

“Yeah, bro,” Todd said in a panic. “All these dudes in robes came out of nowhere, and they’re trying to light us up like a Christmas tree!”

I turned back to Aruna. “You didn’t come alone, did you?” I growled.

The assassin gave me a coy shrug.

“Bro, get over here now!” Todd demanded in the communicator.

“Just hold out for another minute or two, we’re on our way,” I confirmed and motioned for my friends to follow me.

The three of us dashed across the nightclub, through the flashing lights and music that had been continuously stuck on loop since the DJ bailed. The club was now completely empty.

Todd and Liby must have taken their battle outside.

“Shit, nooooo!” Todd screamed as we made our way toward the nearest exit. “They’ve got Tris and Gula, bro!”

“What?” I said as I felt dread fill my core. “Who has them?”

“Those fuckers that attacked us,” Todd explained. “They had those portable demon traps with them, and they caught ‘em both while Lib and I were fighting them off.”

As we came to the door, I blasted it off its hinges with a wave of red Hellfire. We ran out into the street and saw Todd and Libidine engaged with a handful of assailants.

Rage boiled up in the pit of my stomach. I was gonna kill all these assholes.

“Todd, Liby!” I called out. “Get clear, now!”

Libidine snatched up Todd and shot up into the sky as high as she could.

My entire body began to glow with a white light, and I floated up into the air. Right as the fuckers turned around to attack, I clapped my hands together and unleashed a massive blast of white light. There were howls of pain as the Divine powers engulfed the evil minions and their bodies were reduced to piles of ash.

Still in the air, I surveyed our surroundings for any sign of Tris and Gula. When I saw nothing, I let up on my spell and fell to the ground. I was exhausted, and now I was pissed off.

Liby landed next to me with Todd in her arms.

“What happened?” I demanded. “Where the fuck did they go?”

“I don’t know, Jacob,” Libidine sighed. “There were so many of them and only two of us.”

“I know, I know,” I said and held out a comforting hand. “It’s not your fault. We didn’t know we were going to have company, especially not so many of them.”

“Do you think they were cultists?” Liby asked her sisters.

“I’m sure of it.” Ira nodded. “They travel in packs, know how to cast powerful Hellfire magic, and they knew who we all were. They’re definitely part of some demon worshiping cult. The only question is, whose?”

I stood back to my feet and tightened my fist. “I know exactly who can tell us,” I growled and stomped back toward the door.

The five of us ran back through the remnants of the club, back to where Aruna was still waiting patiently.

“Alright, Aruna, who were those people helping you?” I asked. “They were mortals. Are they part of some demon’s cult?”

Aruna chuckled. “You thought the Cult of Azazel was bad?” she mused. “Wait until you meet the ones who follow the Lord of the Flies.”

“Lord of the Flies?” I asked. “What does that--”

“Uh, Jakey?” Todd spoke up. “We really need to move this conversation to somewhere more discrete. The Popo are on their way.”

The wail of sirens off in the distance confirmed Todd’s statement. We needed to move.

“Let’s take this up to the rooftops,” I suggested and closed my eyes.

I summoned up a massive spell of emerald fire around the six of us. I thought about the rooftop where we had originally been stationed, and then my body felt weightless. There was a sudden breeze on my face, and I could hear the sounds of the city in my ears. I opened my eyes and saw all of us, Aruna included, were now on top of the building across the street.

“A group teleport,” Aruna purred. “You continue to impress me, mortal. Now, as I was saying, I must be going. Every second I waste here is a second I could be spending on another paying job.”

“Wait,” I demanded, “can you at least tell us where they took Tris and Gula?”

“Why would I compromise my own boss?” Aruna chuckled. “He’s a very powerful demon lord, and this isn’t the first time I’ve worked with him. In fact--”

“Jakey’s got money,” Todd blurted out. “Like, millions of dollars.”

Aruna’s eyes lit up at the imp’s words. “Really?” she asked. “That changes everything. What do you want to know?”

“Where are Gula and Tris, and what are the cultists planning on doing to them?” I retorted.

“Simple enough.” Aruna shrugged. “I don’t know the exact location, but they told me they were headed to a local headquarters. As far as what they plan to do with your friends? They’re meeting up with a powerful general from the Lord of the Flies’ army, one who apparently has the ability to drain energy from a succubus.”

“A power transfer,” Cupi mused as she finally pulled herself to her feet. “Those are forbidden by Lucifer himself.”

“Hey, I was just hired to do the kidnapping.” Aruna shrugged again. “I don’t know anything about the logistics behind it. Now, is that all you need? I’d like to go get my weapons back before those other mortals get their grubby hands all over them.”

I nodded to the assassin. “Sure thing, Aruna,” I confirmed. “You’re free to go.”

“Excellent,” she said with a wink. “I’ll be by to pick up my check later.”

The Rakshasi turned around, spread out her hands, and summoned black ectoplasm into her palms. The substance spread across her body, and the assassin began to transform. Before the metamorphosis was completed, Aruna leapt forward and plummeted down into the Phoenix night sky.

“Such a badass,” Todd sighed, “even if she did take out a piece of my beautiful horn.”

Cupi and Libidine were now back on their feet, but Ira still attended to them.

“What was that Aruna said about the ‘Lord of the Flies?’” I asked. “What’s a book got to do with anything?”

“Not a book,” Todd corrected. “A superpowered demon. He ain’t nothing to fuck with.”

“Why?” I continued. “Who the hell is--”

“Beelzebub,” Ira muttered grimly. “She was talking about Beelzebub. The game just got much more complicated.”

Chapter 20

“Beelzebub?” I asked with my mouth agape. “Like, the Beelzebub? The most famous demon next to Lucifer himself?”

“Well,” Todd protested, “you could argue Baphomet, Leviathan, or Asag are just as famous, but that’s not important right now. Yes, that Beelzebub.”

“Lord of the Flies, or Flyers, depending on who you ask,” Libidine mused, her voice distant. “Lord of the High Place. King of the Third Circle.”

Cupi put her hand on Liby’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, Sister,” she promised. “He won’t take us again.”

“Again?” I couldn’t help but ask aloud.

Cupi turned and nodded grimly. “Beelzebub was Liby’s and my first master,” the blonde revealed. “He’s the one who taught her all of her powerful mind control abilities. He wasn’t as physically violent as Azazel, but he was just as cruel.”

“My first master was a manipulator, through and through,” Libidine spoke up. “What he lacked in strength, he made up for with his cunning.”

“So he’s really good at dining at the Y,” Todd interrupted. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

All four of us looked at the imp, confused.

Todd sighed, held up his hand, and made a “Y” shape with his pointer and middle fingers. He pushed them against his lips and began to lash his tongue in and out between the two digits with an over-the-top gobbling sound.

“Cunning, Todd!” I corrected and threw up my hands. “Cunning. You know? Clever, like a fox.”

“He does that to foxes?” Todd exclaimed. “I knew demons were into some kinky shit, but yeesh.”

“No, I’m saying he’s smart and sly,” I sighed. “Now can you please stop doing that motion?”

“Ah, come on.” Todd raised an eyebrow and continued to whip his tongue. “You know you like it.”

I ignored the imp’s words and turned back to the succubi. “Not to pick away at old wounds,” I disclaimed, “but how did you guys end up with Azazel, then?”

“It’s my fault,” Cupi frowned. “It’s all my fault. Beelzebub was still evil, but he was never as much of a heartless bastard as Azazel and his cronies.”

“It wasn’t your fault--” Ira began.

“Yes it was!” the blonde succubus shot back. “I’m the one he kept trying to sabotage. I’m the one he kept referring to as ‘Divine Dog.’ If I wasn’t part of the group, he never would have demanded Lucifer trade us to Azazel.”

“So it had something to do with your history as an angel?” I questioned.

Cupi’s violet eyes were now full of hatred, and she gave me a glare that looked like it was piercing into my very soul.

“It had everything to do with the fact I was an angel,” she hissed. “As crazy as it sounds, Beelzebub was a radical demon. Lucifer and his other generals were at least willing to bargain with the Divine and could tolerate mortal men. But not Beelzebub. No, the Lord of the Flies wants nothing more than to see all of humanity wiped out, and the neck of every single filthy angel broken under his boot.”

“Calm down, Sister,” Libidine weakly tried to comfort the blonde. “Remember we’re with Jacob now. He’ll protect us from Beelzebub, just as he has done with all of the other demons we’ve faced.”

Cupi shook her head. “This is different,” she sighed. “Beelzebub despises me in particular. Once he finds out I’m involved in this, he’s going to come after us hard.”

“Come on,” I tried to lighten the mood. “I’m a mortal going around killing demon lords and stealing their succubi. There’s no way he can hate you more than he hates me.”

“I wouldn’t count on it,” the fit succubus responded. “It got so bad at one point, I was contemplating a coup. It would have been guaranteed suicide, a succubus or two going up against a mighty Demon King, but at least I wouldn’t have to tolerate that fucker’s abuse anymore.”

“So Lucifer eventually moved you over to Azazel’s kingdom?” I continued.

“More or less.” Cupi nodded. “At that point, though, it was just going from an awful situation to a slightly less awful one.”

“So like, thinking you’re going to a crunkcore concert and then finding out you’re really going to a nu-crunk one?” Todd suggested.

“I don’t know what either of those is,” Cupi admitted.

“Good,” the imp shuddered. “Let’s keep it that way.”

“Word was that it was a ‘business decision,’” Libidine added. “Lucifer was supposedly afraid Beelzebub was going to kill Cupi in cold blood thanks to her Angelic heritage.”

“But why would Lucifer care about a lowly succubus?” I inquired. “You guys said you haven’t even met Lilith in person, let alone Lucifer. Why would he give a damn about if a succubus lives or dies?”

“That was one instance in which I was thankful I had Divine origins,” Cupi sighed. “I was a fallen angel. Lucifer wanted me to stick around because I was a symbol of a ‘victory’ over the forces of Heaven. Like, the other fallen angels and I showed the universe it was possible to break away from Divine influence. I was a giant middle finger to the Exalted One, so the Prince of Darkness wanted to keep me around for as long as possible.”

“Wait,” Todd hopped into the conversation. “There were other fallen angels? Like, after the big revolution?”

“It’s not a common occurrence,” the blonde succubus explained. “But it did happen every now and again. If I was the only one to have ever fallen, I’m sure I would have been made more than a lowly succubus.”

“How does that even work?” Todd continued. “Do you just go up to one of the Archangels and be like ‘I’m outsie?’ Is there formal paperwork you have to file? Or is it more like one of those awesome renaissance paintings where you’re knocked out of Heaven and fall through the sky all meteor-like while you are flipping them off? Oh. My. God. That’s totally awesome.”

Cupi shook her head. “The biggest regret of the Divine was making Lucifer a martyr,” she murmured. “All of the angels who’ve been cast out since have been done so unceremoniously, led by a small group of Divine warriors to the gates and then escorted to a neutral spot here on Earth.”

“Damn,” Todd mused. “Cupi’s done the perp walk. That’s so badass.”

Cupi still looked somewhat shaken, but Todd’s words caused a smile to slide up her face.

“Thank you, Todd.” The succubus patted the imp on the head. “I appreciate the kind words.”

“Beelzebub is also a stickler for the survival of the fittest,” Ira interjected. “He’s notorious for trying to sabotage other demons he has deemed ‘weak.’ I guess it should come as no surprise that he’s behind this whole scheme.”

I looked down at the scene below us.

There were cop cars and ambulances all over the place, and from here I could just barely make out the outline of the first responders mulling around the chaos. Somehow, some way, we’d escaped this excursion with no civilian casualties.

The cultists, on the other hand, were splattered all over the interior of the Rise Again Nightclub. My mind filled with sadistic glee as I thought about how the cops and medics were going to be clueless about the circumstances of the cultists’ deaths.

It may have been gruesome, but those cultist assholes deserved exactly what they got.

“We should probably go.” I turned back to the succubi. “Ira, do you know where the Cult of Beelzebub could possibly be hiding out?”

“That was more of Sia’s thing,” Ira explained, “buuuuuttt, I may be of some assistance. Just let me call my data guy.”

The dark-haired succubus pulled a cell phone out of her pocket and began to tap on the screen aggressively. After a moment, she held it up to her ear and put on what looked like the fakest smile I’d ever seen.

“Hello, Edward?” she asked kindly. “This is Maggie Franklin. I’m sorry to bother you so late, but I’ve got an urgent campaign matter that’s come up, and I need your help.”

The succubus got quiet for a moment, and then she nodded at the four of us.

“So, here’s the thing,” she explained to her campaign employee. “I need you to send me over that report we ran a few weeks ago, about all of the registered charitable organizations in the greater Phoenix area.”

Ira paused again, and then she grinned from ear-to-ear. “Uh-huh, that’s the one!” the succubus exclaimed. “If you could be a doll and e-mail that over to me, I’d appreciate it very much. Thank you, Edward, you’re a literal life-saver.”

The succubus hung up the phone and did a little dance of victory.

“I got it!” She grinned. “A list of all the charitable organizations in Phoenix.”

“Uh, not to be a downer,” Todd said with a raised finger, “but how is that going to help us find Tris and Gula? Unless your charity workers are all secretly badass ninja demonslayers with assault rifles. If that’s the case, I’m all for this idea.”

“No,” the succubus chuckled. “When Jacob’s cult was still under Azazel’s rule, it was registered as an official organization. That way there was no suspicion as to why this large group of influential people met on the regular. Each and every demonic cult I know of registered themselves under a name that mocked the Divine in some way, shape, or form. For example, the Cult of Azazel used the alias ‘Heavenly Hands.’”

“So what you’re saying,” I questioned aloud, “is if we have this list of organizations, we can identify which local organizations are actually demon-worshiping cults because they have stupid names?”

“Exactly,” Ira confirmed. “Which would mean--”

“We could scope out their known headquarters and figure out which of them belongs to the Cult of Beelzebub!” Liby smashed her fist into her palm happily.

“And then we find Tris and Gula,” I nodded.

“Heerre it is!” Ira giggled and marveled at her phone screen. “Thank goodness for interns, eh?”

“What’ve you got?” I asked as I rubbed my chin in thought.

“Let’s see--” The succubus’ eyes narrowed as she studied the list. “We’ve got one here called ‘On the Wings of Angels,’ there’s another one that’s just called ‘Our Daily Bread,’ one with the name ‘Knights of the Grail.’ And then there’s one called the ‘Salvation Army.’”

“Ohhhh,” Todd joked. “That one might be the most evil of them all. We should totally hit up their store. I’ve been looking for this old Bob Marley record that’s really hard to come by--”

“Are there any others?” I asked and cut off the imp.

“There’s ‘The Pearly Gates’ and ‘Servi Domini Nostri,’” she confirmed.

I shook my head and put my hands on my hips. “Good Lord, how many fucking cults are there around here?”

“Far too many for my liking,” Cupi chimed in. “Honestly, I wish we could just wipe them all off the map.”

“Jakey could go all demon terminator and do it,” Todd suggested. “No questions asked.”

“Cool your jets, Toddster,” I warned. “We’re not even sure all of those organizations are even cults. The Salvation Army is definitely not.”

“I dunno.” Todd shrugged. “Have you seen their prices?”

“My point is,” I sighed, “we can’t just go around blasting buildings without rhyme or reason. Ira, how long do you think it’d take us to scope out all of these places?”

The dark-haired succubus shook her head. “According to the maps I’m finding, they’re pretty far apart.” She frowned. “It could take us nearly two or three days to hit them all.”

“That’s not going to work,” I observed. “Who knows what Aruna and Beelzebub’s cultists have done to Tris and Gula already? Time is of the essence.”

“What about a tracking spell?” Libidine suggested. “We’ve got cultist blood splattered all over our clothes.”

“Uh, Lib?” Todd motioned for the succubus to lean in, and then he whispered loudly. “How exactly do you plan on tracking people whose brains are splattered all over the nightclub?”

“We wouldn’t be tracking them, Todd,” the curvy woman explained. “We’d be tracking their brethren.”

“Tracking spells only work when you have the DNA of your target themselves,” Cupi protested. “That’s not going to do us much good when all we have is the blood and guts of dead men.”

Libidine smirked knowingly at her sister. “What was yesterday, by chance?” she asked coyly.

“Tuesday?” Cupi shrugged. “I don’t know. What was so special about yesterday?”

“There was a full moon last night,” the dark-haired succubus continued, “which means … ”

“Lunar Orgy!” Ira exclaimed happily.

“Say what now?” Todd’s ears perked up at her words. “And why wasn’t I invited to this classy affair?”

“Every full moon, the Cult of Azazel would have a Lunar Orgy,” Libidine continued. “I remember Oliver saying it was the standard thing to do for anyone who worshipped Lucifer and his minions.”

“But what’s that got to do with a tracking spell?” Todd questioned.

“I think I see where you’re going with this.” I nodded. “You think these guys we killed may have left their, uh, DNA inside some of the surviving members?”

“Exactly,” Libidine confirmed. “I know. I’m much smarter than I look.”

“So how do we cast this spell?” I asked the succubus.

“We need Todd’s book,” Cupi explained. “The one that originally summoned Liby and I to Earth. Do you still have it, Todd?”

The imp pondered for a moment and then grinned. “You of all people should know I treat that shit like a credit card,” the imp snickered. “Never leave home without it. It’s back in Stella’s trunk.”

“Excellent,” the succubus nodded. “Then we need to get back to the vehicle immediately.”

“We can’t just fly back over to where we parked,” I warned and pointed down at the commotion below. “There’s a ton of people down there. Cops, news crews, you name it. We can’t risk blowing our cover that badly.”

“So what are you suggesting?” Todd asked. “You want us to take the elevator?”

“Not exactly,” I said with a coy smile. “Who’s ready for another trippy case of interdimensional travel?”

“You know me, bro,” Todd giggled. “I’m always down for a good trip.”

I closed my eyes and conjured up images of what had just happened back in the nightclub. I thought about how those asshole cultists and their hired gun took away the two beautiful succubi, and I thought about all the disgusting things they were going to do to them once they got back to Beelzebub.

“Burn, baby, burn!” Todd’s voice said jubilantly. “He’s gonna teleport this whole building if he’s not careful.”

I opened my eyes and saw what the imp meant.

The entire rooftop was now covered with emerald fire, and it was beginning to spread down the edge of the buildings.

Thankfully, this sort of magic was invisible to mortal eyes.

I slammed my eyelids shut once more and pictured our destination. We were only a few blocks away, in a shitty little back alley nobody would pay any mind to. We’d disguised the car as best as we could with one of Cupi’s disappearing spells, but the image of Stella and her beautiful red coat of paint was vivid in my mind.

The next thing I knew, my body became weightless and began to fill with a tingling sensation. There was a dull pressure in my head as I zipped across the space-time continuum, and then I felt my feet land back on solid ground.

“You never cease to impress, Jacob,” Ira cooed.

I forced my eyes back open and saw we had arrived in the cramped little alleyway.

“Would you like to do the honors, Cupi?” Libidine asked.

The blonde succubus stepped out in front of us, clasped her hands together, and bowed her head. Then, Cupi began to speak in tongues.

Starting from the bottom, our Maserati slowly began to reappear as if a mystical tarp was slowly being yanked off. Finally, the pristine body of Stella sat before us in all of her glory.

“I’m just glad it wasn’t garbage day, bro,” Todd pointed to the dumpster next to the vehicle. “That woulda done some real damage to her paint job.”

The imp approached the Maserati, clicked open the trunk, and hopped inside. Almost instantly, the hatch of the trunk fell back closed on top of the imp. There was a banging from the inside, and then I had to rush over to free the tiny prisoner. Todd’s horned head popped up, eyes widened with fear.

“Holy fuck, bro,” he mused. “That reminded me way too much of my college years. Most of which were spent blackout drunk. Anyways, here’s your book.”

The imp stuck out his tiny mitts and brandished the ancient book of Vatican magic in front of him. Cupi walked over, swiped the text out of his hand, and then started to flip through the pages vigorously.

“Counter-curses to blood magic … cover up incantations … these must be in alphabetical order,” the succubus mused and then turned to the back of the book. “Here we go, tracking magic. According to this spell, we need to draw a magic circle around the object we’ll be using.”

“Damn it,” Todd sighed. “I musta left my chalk in my other pants.”

“It’s fine,” I assured the imp and summoned red Hellfire into my hands with a snap. “We’ll just have to improvise. What kind of a magic circle do we need, Cupi?”

“The First Pentacle of Jupiter,” she explained.

“The Pentacles?” Todd scoffed. “That’s a throwback. I don’t think we’ve used those since our very first adventure.”

“We haven’t needed them.” I shrugged and walked over beside Cupi.

On the page sat a visual of the First Pentacle of Jupiter. It was a double circle with four slender lines that all met in the middle of the image like some sort of eight-direction compass. On the tip of each of these lines sat eight unique symbols, one looked like a backward letter “Z,” one looked like two upside-down triangles, and a few more were a series of stacked lines with a tail on each end. Between the inner and outer layer of the drawing’s rings were scribbles of what appeared to be an ancient Hebrew language.

“Isn’t there a less complicated one we could try?” I asked hopefully. “I don’t even know where to start on this thing.”

The blonde succubus shook her head. “I’m sure it doesn’t have to be an exact replica,” Cupi smiled coyly. “Only about ninety percent accurate.”

“Wow, Cupi’s got jokes now?” Todd snickered. “I’m so proud.”

“In all seriousness,” the blonde explained, “this is the one we have to use. The First Pentacle of Jupiter is said to teach its conjurer how to gain the same possessions of those whose names appear inside it.”

“So the Hebrew around the edges are the names of the people we’re looking for?” I asked. “That could be a problem.”

“No, no,” Cupi corrected. “The names written on the outside never change. Those are the names of the metaphysical beings you are invoking to cast the spell. It’s what you put in the middle of the circle that matters.”

“You really think this will work?” I asked as I began to burn a rough outline of a circle into the ground.

“It’s our best shot,” Libidine chimed in. “If not, we could be searching for hours.”

I finished up the two circles and then began to work on the inner “X”s. Then, I attempted to match the patterns on the tips. They weren’t very intricate, to begin with, but when I finally finished and admired my work, I kinda wish I’d paid more attention in art class.

“That’s … that’s about as good as you’re gonna get,” I sighed. “How’s it look?”

“I don’t see much of a difference.” Ira shrugged. “Other than the inscriptions.”

“That will suffice,” Cupiditas nodded, walked over, and handed Ira the book. “Now, allow me to do the text.”

“Oh thank God,” I exhaled.

The blonde succubus summoned a small flame of red onto the tip of her finger, and then she began to twirl it around on the inner edge of the Pentacle. Another minute or two passed, and then she stood back and put her hands on her hips gracefully.

“Not too shabby, if I do say so myself,” she mused. “Now all it needs is something with our target’s DNA on it.”

“Let me help, sister!” Libidine offered.

The curvy succubus tugged at the seam of her romper, and there was a small ripping sound. Libidine pulled a piece of the blood-stained fabric off in one fell swoop and exposed her midriff as she did so. Then, she strutted over, bent down, placed the crimson-soaked material down into the middle of the circle, and stood back up.

“This one-piece was starting to get on my nerves, anyway,” she shrugged. “I’m wasn’t even sure how I was supposed to take it off.”

“Jacob was supposed to rip it off with his teeth,” Ira explained. “Right before he filled you with his--”

“Can we get on with this?” Todd pretended to look at an invisible watch on his wrist. “We don’t have all day.”

“What, you don’t want to hear about all the ways Jacob’s massive cock--”

“Imma stop you right there, Crazy Eyes.” Todd held up a hand. “We imps don’t like to kiss and tell. We’re way classier that way.”

“Really?” Ira questioned. “Alban, the imp who pretended to be my son, always talked about his sexual adventures. In fact, he explained them in such detail it made me somewhat queasy. And that, you should know, is no small accomplishment.”

“Todd just gets uncomfortable thinking about his close friends making love,” Libidine explained. “Cupi and I have tried to tone down our comments, for his sake.”

“And you have no idea how much I appreciate that, Lib,” Todd shuddered. “You really don’t.”

Cupiditas stepped up to Ira and held out her hand. The dark-haired succubus returned the open book into the fallen angel’s possession with a smile and then stepped back.

Instantly, Cupi began to chant in Latin. She was speaking far too fast for me to make out every single word, but I could vaguely tell she was asking “The Exalted One” for something along the lines of “guidance in the direction of our enemies.” As she spoke, the magic circle on the ground began to shimmer with a dull purple glow.

Cupi glanced over at the rest of the group and motioned for us to join in.

The other two succubi were able to join the blonde’s words without missing a beat, but Todd and I were not so lucky.

For a minute or two, the chants that echoed through the alleyway sounded like a total word-salad. Then, after two or three more times through the incantation, the voices of Todd and I joined the succubi’s in unison.

The second our five voices joined as one, the glowing circle grew more vibrant. Its violet shimmer illuminated the entirety of the dark alley, and I worried for a moment it might give us away. Then, as quickly as it had begun, the light of the circle went dark.

“Fuck,” I sighed. “It didn’t work.”

“Patience,” Cupi promised. “This is perfectly normal. See?”

The blonde succubus pointed to the bloodied fabric as it was engulfed with purple Hellfire. The torn piece of the romper radiated violet light as it lifted into the sky and hovered there as if suspended by an invisible wire.

“There you have it,” Cupi bragged and slammed the book shut. “If we’re correct, this should lead us right to the Cult of Beelzebub.”

“You heard the woman,” I ordered. “Everybody in the car. We’ve got two succubi to save.”

Chapter 21

“Traveling with a demonic GPS,” I mused as we sped down the road. “I don’t know about you guys, but this is definitely a first for me.”

“I’ve done tracking spells before,” Cupi admitted, “but they were never quite like this.”

The piece of glowing fabric was floating in the air directly in front of our vehicle, dead-set on finding its target. The only issue was that it was speeding through the night like a bullet train, and we had to push our Maserati to the limits just to keep up. We whipped around a turn, and for a split second, I swore I felt the vehicle go up on two wheels.

“This is so awesome!” Todd exclaimed from Ira’s lap. “I feel like a super-spy, driving through the city at breakneck speeds late at night, off to save two damsels in distress. All I’m missing is my tuxedo.”

“It looks like we’re headed toward the headquarters of the Servi Domini Nostri and the Pearly Gates,” Ira said as she studied a map on her screen.

“Of course the one with the Latin name is a finalist,” I mused.

“Nothing good ever comes from Latin shit, bro.” Todd sighed.

“Other than all the romance languages,” I argued sarcastically. “You know. Italian, French, Spanish. Just all those.”

“Not to mention the entirety of Western Civilization as we know it,” Libidine added.

“Pfffft,” Todd scoffed. “I’ve got my own romance language. It’s called the slow smooth jams of Marvin Gaye. That shit drives the ladies crazy.”

“Fair enough.” I shrugged and whipped around another corner.

“We need to be prepared,” Cupi muttered from the backseat of the vehicle. “There’s only one demon I know who has the ability to drain another’s abilities. Ukobach.”

“Gesundheit?” Todd half-asked, half-consoled.

“No, Todd,” Cupi said with a chuckle. “Ukobach. He’s the demon who collects the blood of the damned and brings it back down to Hell to act as a fuel source. When he drains the blood from his victims, he also temporarily inherits their energy.”

“Of course,” Ira added, “the fact that Lucifer banned power transfers between demons made him practically useless. He’s kind of a joke in the demonic community.”

“If Beelzebub has really decided to go rogue and disobey his master, it makes perfect sense for Ukobach to join him,” Cupi continued. “Suddenly, the power he was forbidden from using for all these millennia makes him a wanted demon. With the way demonic egos work, I’m sure the Lord of the Flies didn’t even have to ask twice.”

“Do we need to be worried about this guy swiping our abilities?” I asked cautiously.

“Only if he gets to your neck,” Cupi warned. “He drains the blood of his victims through the arteries on their neck with his teeth.”

“So, he’s basically a demonic vampire?” I asked.

“Sure.” The blonde shrugged. “He isn’t allergic to sunlight or garlic or anything like that, but yes.”

“What makes no sense to me is why Lucifer would forbid power drains between demons,” I thought aloud. “He’s the Lord of the Underworld. Why would he care if his demons try to fuck each other over?”

“I can answer that one!” Libidine perked up from the backseat. “It’s because he doesn’t want any of his minions to become stronger than himself. Somebody like Ukobach with the help of a higher-level demon lord could become the most powerful force in the universe.”

“So far, Lucifer has been able to keep his minions in line,” Ira mentioned, “but lately, it’s felt like all the traditions that have kept the world order for the last millennium are getting thrown out the window. It almost makes me think that--wait, there it is!”

The enchanted piece of fabric had finally stopped soaring through the night sky, and now it hung in the air and floated in front of its destination.

From the structure of the building, I could tell the place used to be a church of some sort. There was a changeable-letter sign out in front and a large steeple-like structure at the building’s highest point.

“Well that’s fucking ironic,” I mused as we pulled into the parking lot of the converted headquarters.

On the sign read a simple sentence, Pearly Gates Charity Meeting- 10 pm.

“Looks like we have a winner,” Todd mused as we exited the vehicle. “I shoulda known. ‘Pearly Gates’ sounds waaay more like a cult than anything else on that list. I wonder if they’ve got complementary Kool-Aide?”

“Bro,” I said as I shot the imp a shocked glare, “totally not cool. I’m all for dark humor, but sheesh.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll try to keep my dark jokes to a minimum,” the imp promised. “Or at least, I’ll try to make them a little grayer.”

“These guys have some nerve,” Ira scoffed. “Holding a demonic ritual in the middle of a former church and basically broadcasting it to everyone who drives by. I wish I’d thought of it.”

“How many of them ended up snatching the succubi?” I asked Todd and Libidine.

The dark-haired succubus shook her head. “It was chaos when they attacked. I couldn’t get an exact count, but I know the four of us were pretty heavily outnumbered.”

“So somewhere between a boy band and an army,” I confirmed. “Works for me.”

“What’s the plan?” Cupi chimed into the conversation. “Even if there’s only a handful of them, we can’t just go charging in guns blazing. They’ll kill Tris and Gula if we do that.”

“Then we need a distraction.” I nodded and then turned to the imp. “Todd, you feeling up to the challenge?”

“Bro,” the imp chuckled, “the Toddster is always down for a hairbrained scheme.”

“It’s not even gonna be that complicated,” I explained. “We just need you to go in there and pretend to be somebody who wants to join their ‘club.’ Basically, play the ‘clueless civilian’ card. In the meantime, we’ll try and free Tris and Gula.”

“Got it,” Todd agreed. “One fleshbaggy disguise, coming right up!”

Todd cracked his knuckles in anticipation, stretched his arms out above his head, and then his skin began to bubble. The imp’s arms and legs stretched out as his skin faded into a peachy cream color. Todd’s torso widened, and his signature potbelly was sucked inward to create a more slim and toned figure. His sharp, devil-like features shrunk to become more rounded and less threatening. Finally, Todd’s jet-black horns flattened, changed texture, and spread across his head to make dark locks. Standing in front of us was a youngish-looking man with slicked-back hair, wearing a black leather jacket.

“I totally look like the Fonz, bro.” Todd snickered and shot me finger guns. “Ayyyyy.”

I couldn’t help but grin at the imp’s enthusiasm. “Lookin’ good, Todd. Now get in there and whip us up a distraction. They’re probably hiding out in the basement.”

“If only I had a jukebox to punch … ” the imp pondered as he opened the front doors and strutted inside.

“Follow me,” I commanded the succubi. “There’s got to be a back door we can use. We’ll wait for Todd to distract the cultists and the demon, and then we’ll sneak in and set your sisters free.”

We slunk back behind the yellowish-brown brick building, toward the entrance in the rear. The double glass doors were locked, but it was gonna take a lot more than that to keep out Jacob Ralston.

I closed my eyes, cast a quick spell of emerald over the succubi and me, and teleported us inside.

The interior of the former church was laid out much like you’d expect of a local community center. These particular doors led us directly into the open stairwell of the building, and we were greeted with pale, cinder block walls. The level above us had a small landing with several doors that looked like they were about to fall off their hinges. Meanwhile, below us stood a singular, worn-out fire door with a small window. Like a beacon in the night, a dull light shone through the window and indicated one of the rooms on the other side was occupied.

That would be our cultists.

“I’m surprised they didn’t put a countercurse on this place,” Cupi whispered.

“They probably thought we wouldn’t find them,” I explained, “and I’m sure they didn’t expect Aruna to give up info like she did.”

“It’s always foolish to put your faith in a Rakshasa,” Cupi added. “No matter how trustworthy they might seem, and no matter how pretty you think they are. In the end, they are mercenaries with loyalty only to themselves.” The blonde succubus shot me a knowing glare and eagerly awaited my response.

“What?” I asked, and I could feel the blood rushing to my face. “You’re the one who said it, not me.”

“Mhmm,” Ira cooed. “It’s okay, I think she’s sexy as fuck too. I wonder if she’s willing to take payment for other services. My sub half would simply adore her. There’d be so much blood and bruising and scarring, it’d be like heaven!”

“I’m gonna just ignore that,” I muttered and motioned for the succubi to follow.

We approached the tiny window on the door, and I peered through stealthily.

On the other side, I could see quite the commotion. Todd stood at the far side of the room with his hands in the air and his mouth running a mile a minute. At the same time, I counted twenty-six cultists who all stood facing the imp. They hadn’t tried to attack Todd yet, but I could tell they were super tense. All the way in the back of the crowd, purposefully hidden from Todd’s view, I saw Gula and Tris bound together by some sort of glowing purple chain.

“There they are,” I announced quietly. “How do we break that spell?”

“We have to kill the person who cast it,” Cupi whispered as she pointed through the window. “You see that guy in the back there? The one with the glowing purple hand he’s holding behind his back? That’s our guy.”

“So, what you’re saying is we need to do a stealth kill?” I asked.

A sly grin spread up Cupiditas’ face. “I thought you’d never ask.”

“Ohhh, oohhh!” Ira could barely muffle her excitement. “How are we gonna do it? Want me to give him the ol’ gag-n-stab? Or maybe I could use my acid Hellfire to burn his vocal cords so he can’t scream?”

“I was thinking something a little more subtle,” I explained. “Liby, I’m going to need your help.”

“How can I be of assistance?” the succubus questioned.

“Here’s the skinny,” I explained. “I’m going to use my green hellfire to snap his neck. Then, I need you to catch his body before it hits the ground. After that, we can sneak in there, and Ira can melt the metal chain with her powers. Got it?”

Libidine nodded and summoned jade flames into her hands. I did the same, and then I readied my enchanted fists.

The man was a magic user, so he could see the green Hellfire unlike most mortals. He was going to know what was going on the moment I cast my spell, and I would only have a split second to take him out before he could sound the alarm.

I took a deep breath, nodded to Libidine, and then concentrated.

My spell engulfed the man’s head instantly, and his hand made the slightest twitching motion. Before anything else could happen, I twisted my hands, and the cultist’s head followed suit.

The man’s head twisted back almost one-hundred and eighty degrees, and then another corona of green fire engulfed his body. Slowly, Libidine’s conjured flames dragged the corpse of the cultist through the air, back toward our position. I gently opened the door, and the body passed through.

Libidine sat the corpse down onto the floor, and then we snuck into the main room.

“Come on, guys,” Todd was trying to explain. “I just want to join the Pearly Gates. I’ve got so many ideas for all the great shit we could do around this community. I--”

“We’re a closed group, Fonzarelli!” one of the cultists heckled. “We ain’t accepting new members.”

“Hear me out,” Todd continued. “What does every charitable organization need? That’s right, matching letterman jackets! I know a guy who can set us up with some sweet new threads, on the house!”

Todd continued to bullshit, and the cultists continued to heckle. I could tell by their voices they were about to turn on the imp any second now.

We needed to move.

The succubi and I snuck over to Tris and Gula, and then Liby and Cupi removed the bags that were over their heads. Tris’ eyes went wide with shock, and her mouth fell agape. Before she could say anything, Cupi clapped her hand over the succubus's mouth and made a “shhh” signal. At the same time, both of Ira’s hands lit up with turquoise fire, and she grabbed the chain that was wrapped around the succubi’s torsos. The chain sizzled as its metal links were dissolved, and then the metal bonds fell away, right into Cupi and Libidine’s hands.

I looked up at Todd and gave him a thumbs up.

“You know what?” Todd threw up his hands in defeat. “I’m too cool for your little club anyways. If you’re not gonna let me in, I’m just gonna go make my own, and we’re all gonna have matching jackets and use the same brand of hair gel.”

“No, the fuck you aren’t,” a voice from the crowd hissed. “This asshole has seen too much. Kill him!”

As if on cue, a barrage of multicolored Hellfire shot directly at the imp. Todd closed his eyes and cringed, prepared to enter a world of pain.

Thankfully for my friend, I was quick on the draw. I threw up a massive wall of purple flames in front of Todd, and the spells ricocheted off harmlessly.

“Well, well, well,” the nasal voice continued. “It looks like we’ve got company, boys. Check your six!”

The cultists turned around, and tension filled the air. I summoned Hellfire into my other hand and prepared for battle. From my peripheral vision, I could see all five of the succubi had done the same.

“Now, now,” the voice continued. “There’s no reason we can’t be civil.”

The small sea of cultists parted, and a small creature emerged. This demon was short, probably no taller than five feet, and had pale, grayish skin. Despite his small stature, he was very lanky and slender. His head was too large for his body, and upon his face sat a massive nose and two bushy black eyebrows. The demon’s ears were just as comically large as his snout and bulging eyes, and his entire face almost reminded me of a goblin. In his hands, the demon held a small, curved bar of iron that looked like a fire poker.

“Civil?” I nodded cautiously. “Right. You must be Ukobach.”

“In the flesh.” The demon sighed. “Look, Ralston, we can do this one of two ways. You and your friends can walk away, and all will be forgiven, or you can stay, and we’ll kill you all.”

“Tough words coming from a demon that looks like a bobblehead,” I growled. “I’m not letting you kill Tris and Gula.”

“When will you mortals learn?” Ukobach said as he shook his head sadly. “I’m going to drain those two succubi of their power one way or another. In fact, adding five more deliciously powerful casualties to this endeavor would please my master greatly. He’d become more powerful than Azazel could ever imagine!”

“I’m the one who needs to learn a lesson?” I scoffed. “Name one demon who’s figured out how to beat me. Go ahead, I’ll wait.”

The short demon snickered and shook his head. “You’re just as cocky as Aruna warned us,” he mused. “Where is the Rakshasi, anyways? Not dead, I hope. She was quite a lovely woman.”

“Aruna’s fine,” I hissed. “Unlike you, I’m not one to go around murdering people without rhyme or reason.”

“Without rhyme or reason?” Ukobach put his hand against his heart and acted offended. “Why, Mr. Ralston, there is plenty of reason behind our decision. My master is going to become the most powerful demon lord in existence, even stronger than Lucifer himself. It all starts with destroying the Father of Warfare. If Azazel falls, then there will be nobody else who could even stand a chance against Beelzebub.”

“As much as I’d love to see that fucker dead and buried, I’m not going to let you hurt these two,” I growled. “That may be how shit works down in your fucked-up world, but I’m not going to let that happen here on my turf.”

“I knew you’d say that.” Ukobach sighed as he hefted his little bar of iron and set it on his shoulder. “I was really hoping to get through this night with minimum bloodshed, but alas, here we are. Army of the Damned, you know what to do!”

Ukobach summoned red Hellfire into his hand, ran it across his iron poker, and then slunk back into the crowd as the cultists took a fighting stance.

It looked like we were gonna have to fight our way out of this after all.

Chapter 22

“Yo Jakey!” Todd called from across the basement of the church. “Why don’t we have a cool name like ‘Army of the Damned?’”

“Priorities, Todd!” I yelled and unleashed a blast of red Hellfire at the crowd of cultists.

The five succubi at my side followed my lead, and a hailstorm of red, yellow, and blue shot past my left. Between the twenty-five cultists, they had plenty of defensive tactics to counter our assault. Shields of purple shot up all over the room and deflected our attacks like a ping-pong ball against a concrete wall. At the same time, what looked like a shockwave of red Hellfire shot across the room.

“Duck!” I commanded.

The next thing I knew, I was on the ground, and a white-hot heat passed above my head. There was a loud crash behind me as pieces of the cement block went whizzing past our position. I came up from the attack swinging with my own blast of fireballs, but they were little more than a distraction. These guys were pretty well protected, and the only way we were going to do some damage was if we got behind their defenses.

And that was exactly what I intended to do.

“Keep up the assault, girls!” I ordered and dispelled my Hellfire.

Against the wall, a few feet behind the protective barrier of the cultists, sat a cast-iron radiator. It may have been crude, but it was just what we needed.

“Cupi,” I called out to the blonde succubus and then nodded at the radiator. “Scattershot?”

Cupiditas nodded, turned her body, and then blasted a fireball directly at me. I tossed up a portal of green, and the deadly projectile passed through. It reappeared directly above the radiator, and the impact of the blow turned it into deadly shrapnel.

I threw up another spell of jade fire and surrounded the shrapnel with its radiance. Then, I pulled my arm sideways and hurled the cloud of razor sharp chunks of metal directly into the crowd.

A few of the cultists turned to deflect the incoming debris, but a spray of blood and a handful of yelps told me my attack had hit its mark. More importantly, it distracted enough of the cultists to leave a hole in their defenses.

“Gula.” Libidine pointed to the chink in the armor. “I’ll let you do the honors.”

The short redheaded succubus clapped her hands together, summoned red Hellfire into her hands, and then launched a massive fireball at the cultists. The projectile was nearly as tall as the succubus herself, and it was just as wide. It struck a small group of cultists on the right, and their flesh was singed off their bones with a flash.

“Try not to completely incinerate them, if you could,” Tris argued sarcastically as she ducked under a volley of yellow daggers. “It makes this next part a whole lot harder.”

“Next part?” I asked aloud.

Tris ignored my question and summoned orange magic into her hands. Then she threw her arms out toward the fallen cultists who had not been mangled, and surrounded them with the glowing embers of her spell. The dead bastards began to stir on the ground, and then they slowly brought themselves to their feet. From across the room, I could see their eyes had been replaced by glowing orange orbs, and they were limping intensely as they walked.

Yep, those were zombies alright.

One of the reanimated fuckers grabbed a cultist by the shoulders and then buried his teeth into the back of his enemy’s neck. The cultist screamed in pain as a large chunk of flesh was ripped away and blood began to gush out of his wound.

The remaining cultists were now fighting a battle on two fronts, and they were losing pretty badly. Not counting the ones resurrected by Tris, I counted fourteen left in total. Cupi froze one in place and held him until one of the zombies could tear out his Adam's apple.

Make that thirteen.

“Eat that, you big-nosed bitch!” I heard Todd’s voice yell over the chaos.

I looked up to see the Toddster was engaging with Ukobach directly. The imp had the other demon in a headlock, and Ukobach was desperately swinging at Todd with his weapon. Todd flipped over his opponent and delivered a swift kick to the stomach. Then, the imp turned around, grabbed Ukobach around the neck, and fell down onto his rear. The movement caused Ukobach’s neck to slam hard into Todd’s shoulder, and as the demon stumbled backward from the impact, Todd flipped him off.

“Toddster three-sixteen, bitch!” the imp howled as he grabbed a steel chair and smashed it into the demon’s face. As the demon crashed to the floor, Todd proceeded to stomp a Texas-sized mudhole in his ass.

“Is that a Bible verse or something?” Ukobach growled as he rolled to the side, leapt to his feet, and readied his weapon.

“No,” Todd growled. “It’s the bottom line because Stone Co--”

Before the imp could finish, Ukobach swung his flaming poker. The weapon struck Todd in the side and caused the little guy to crumple over in pain. Right as Ukobach raised the fire poker over his head to finish the imp off, I lashed out with a blast of red flames.

My attack struck Ukobach directly in the stomach, and the small demon was thrown backward into the wall with a crash.

I dashed across the room and slid to a stop right beside Todd. “You alright, bro?” I asked the injured imp.

“Never better,” he lied. “Although I did learn the Stone Cold Stunner isn’t as effective as it looks on TV.”

Ukobach hopped back to his feet and readied his weapon.

“What the fuck is that, anyway?” Todd asked. “Is that a fire poker? Who the fuck uses a fire poker as their weapon of choice?”

“If you must know,” the demon hissed, “it’s used to stoke the fires of Hell themselves. My trusty sidearm has served me well for centuries, and it will look simply marvelous with both of your heads mounted on top of it!”

Ukobach let out a weak roar as he propelled himself through the air and swung at me with his red-hot iron. The little fucker was quick, but I was much quicker. I caught the blow of the demon with a burst of violet fire, and then I blasted him at point-blank range with an incinerating spell of red Hellfire.

Ukobach shot back onto the ground, released his weapon, and tumbled across the floor. The demon smashed into a white fold-in-half table, and then his momentum halted. He instantly jumped back to his feet, but now he was looking much worse for wear. The entirety of his torso was covered in third-degree burns, and blood was oozing out of his large nostrils. He wiped away the blood from his face and then quickly leapt out of the way of an incoming fireball. From behind the demon, I heard the sound of Ira’s acidic magic as the blast hit another cultist and then a horrified scream.

“You mortal fucks are useless!” Ukobach screamed. “I’m going to--”

Before he could even finish his sentence, I grabbed the toppled table with my emerald flames, pulled it behind Ukobach, and then closed it against him repeatedly. Blood splattered on the white plastic as both halves slammed into the demon violently, over and over. I released my spell, and the bloodied table collapsed to the ground, right next to the little fucker’s beat-up body.

Ukobach struggled to get back to his feet, and his body was now covered with blood and bruises.

“This guy doesn’t stay down, Jakey,” Todd cried out.

“He’s almost done,” I growled, “and so are his friends.”

“That’s what you think,” Ukobach sneered, and then his eyes began to glow with black Hellfire. The demon hissed, pushed himself off the ground, and rocketed through the air with lightning-fast speed. Ukobach landed directly on the back of one of the cultists, and then he sunk his teeth into their neck.

“What are you doing?” the man screamed as Ukobach’s lips twitched against his neck.

The man’s eyes rolled back in his head, and then his face became as white as a ghost. As the cultist fell to the ground, lifeless, Ukobach propelled himself at his next target.

“He’s draining their life-force, Jacob!” Libidine cried out. “He’s trying to make himself more powerful!”

Not if I could help it. I tried to throw up a green portal between the speeding demon and the next cultist, but he was far too fast.

“But Beelzebub … ” the next cultist pleaded as all the energy in his body was siphoned into Ukobach’s.

“Light him up, guys!” I ordered and launched a fireball at the perched demon.

Ukobach catapulted off the cultist’s body right as all of our spells rocketed in his wake and blasted the poor dead cultist’s corpse into meaty, bloodless chunks. He flipped through the air, landed atop one of his other minions, and then began to drain their life force.

“He’s too fast!” Cupi growled.

“Then we’ll just have to kill all of his power sources before he can get to them!” I commanded.

There were only six more cultists remaining, and they began to panic when they heard my words. Two of them made a dash for the door, but Libidine took out their feet with the bloodied table from earlier. At the same time, the succubus threw down a handful of yellow daggers onto the floor in front of them, and the cultists were impaled horrifically as they fell onto them.

“We got a jumper!” Todd exclaimed as Ukobach hopped to another cultist.

Before the fucker could steal the cultist’s energy, Gula blasted a massive fireball in their direction. Ukobach hissed as he jumped from the man’s body, and it was incinerated by the colossal wall of flame. Ira tossed turquoise fire at the demon, but she missed completely as the little bastard kept jumping around like a spider monkey on crack. Instead, it struck another cultist in the face. The man clutched at his head helplessly as his flesh melted away from his bones, leaving nothing but a gory soup on the floor in front of him. He toppled to the floor, dead.

And then there were two.

There was a grayish blur as Ukobach zipped past the remaining cultist and slashed the tendon in his leg.

“Please, master Beelzebub would be--” the cultist begged.

There was a spray of crimson as his throat was sliced open, and then the tiny demon latched his mouth onto the waterfall of gore. The seven of us blasted at the son of a bitch once more, but the little guy was still too slippery. He sped out of the way of the incoming spells and left a trail of blood behind as he ran.

The cultist’s body was riddled with yellow spears, burned by red Hellfire, and melted by acidic flames all at the same time. At least his death was quick. The final cultist shot a quick spray of daggers at Ira, but the succubus simply knocked them away with her morning star. She twirled her weapon around in her hand, and then smashed it into the skull of the final enemy.

His head caved in like a cracked walnut as the morning star punched a massive hole through his soft flesh. Chunks of the his brain spilled out onto the floor, along with bits of bone and muscle. Then, his body collapsed, and the rest of his gray matter slid out with a sickly plop.

“That’s just grody, bro,” Todd gagged.

The seven of us quickly turned our attention back to Ukobach, who was now standing across the room. His tiny body was covered with gore, but it wasn’t his own. From afar, it actually looked like his own wounds had healed.

“Seven on one,” Todd taunted. “This is gonna be a bigger massacre than whenever somebody tries to invade Russia in the winter.”

“You’re all idiots,” Ukobach said with a click of his tongue. “I’ve gained more than enough power from these fuckwit mortals to kill you woeful wizards.”

“Ohhh,” Todd observed. “Maybe that can be our badass group name!”

Without another moment’s hesitation, all seven of us began to assault Ukobach with our various spells. For a moment, it looked like the demon’s body was completely overtaken with the vibrant blasts. Then, our spells began to grow more dull, until they eventually faded into a murky black.

I raised my hand, and all of my friends cut off their strike.

Our spells, now darkened and rendered useless, began to mix together and form one giant nebulous blob. There, at the base of the spell, stood a completely unscathed Ukobach.

The tiny demon opened his mouth and exposed two long, jagged fangs. The cloud of mixed Hellfire swirled around the gray fucker, and then it began to get sucked into his fangs like dirt under a vacuum cleaner. Instantly, Ukobach’s body began to glow with the black Hellfire, and his figure started to contort. His muscles began to expand, and his slender body grew both taller and wider. When all was said and done, the demon stood six feet tall and had the frame of a bodybuilder.

“That’s more like it!” He grinned and cracked his knuckles. “I almost forgot what it felt like to be at full power!”

Before any of us could react, the demon summoned a giant ball of fire into his hand and threw it right at us. I tossed up a wall of purple flame just in time, and the attack bounced off into the floor. The impact from Ukobach’s attack must have been insanely powerful because the shockwave from the blow sent all seven of us flying into the air like bowling pins.

I landed on my feet and saw Todd shoot off another bout of baseball-sized fireballs at the demon. Ukobach simply laughed, held out his hand, and absorbed the projectiles as if they were droplets of water.

“I don’t think we can defeat him with our normal magic,” I explained to the imp. “It looks like his fear powers let him absorb anything we throw his way.”

“Fine by me,” Ira growled. “I’d love to get all up in those guts. Literally.”

The succubus’ body was encased with pink flames, and then she split into her two forms. The dom was already holding her morning star at the ready, and the sub held her own arm bone in her hand. The submissive succubus ran a flaming hand over the tip of the hilt, and a glowing red whiptail appeared.

“Please tell me you guys have some hand-to-hand weapons,” I asked Tris and Gula.

“Please,” Tris scoffed and pulled out a pistol from the waistband of her pants. “I may hate fighting, but I’m always prepared to defend myself.”

“Is that a fucking Glock?” Todd exclaimed.

“It is,” the brunette smiled as she removed a joint from her pocket. “Swinging swords or throwing knives is way too much work. I’d rather just bust a cap in some motherfucker’s ass and get it over with.”

Tris put the joint in her mouth, took a puff, and pointed the Glock at the demon.

“I’m starting to warm up to this one, Jakey,” Todd mused.

Meanwhile, a wide grin spread across Gula’s face, and then she held out her hands in front of her. There was a flash of red Hellfire as a massive, double-sided battle axe appeared in her grasp.

“What are you waiting for, succubus filth?” Ukobach questioned. “The sooner I kill all of you and take your powers, the sooner the Divine will fall and my master will rise up to become the one and only master of the universe!”

From off to my side, Todd began to laugh uncontrollably.

Ukobach’s face contorted into a look of confusion. “Why are you laughing?” he demanded. “You face certain death, and yet you dare to laugh at my authority?”

“Do you work for Skeletor?” Todd giggled. “Because this whole scheme would totally make more sense if you were working for Skeletor.”

“Silence, imp!” Ukobach hissed and lashed out with a blast of black Hellfire, filled with the energy his absorption magic had fed upon.

Our group scattered as we dodged the incoming projectile, and then Ira’s two halves and Gula charged at the motherfucker. As they ran, Tris fired a round of enchanted bullets at the demon. Ukobach sidestepped the incoming projectiles, and they rat-tat-tatted into the ground. Not wanting to miss out on the party, I whipped out my broken blade, cast a red flame into my hand, and then enchanted the weapon.

“What the fuck are we supposed to do?” Cupi asked and motioned to Libidine and herself. “We don’t have any weapons.”

“Sure you do,” I said as I threw my hands out to my side. “There’s shit to use all around you!”

Liby nodded and brought forth jade fire into her hands. I turned back to the demon and saw he was currently locked in hand-to-hand combat with Gula and Ira’s halves. In his new form, Ukobach was much more lumbering than he’d been before. Of course, what he lacked in speed he more than made up for in pure brute strength. The succubi were trying their damnedest to perform quick, rapid strikes on the demon. After they’d attack, they would instantly duck out of the way of his counter. All it would take was one wrong move, and he could snap them in half like a twig.

As I approached, I tossed a few platforms of purple Hellfire down into the air and created a makeshift staircase. At the very top I cast a spell of green, and then I hopped up the platforms and into the interdimensional portal. When I reemerged, I came down on top of Ukobach from behind with my flaming dagger raised. He didn’t see me coming as I plunged it down into his neck, deep into the fucker’s skin, and I was left dangling from his massive frame.

Ukobach let out a roar of pain, but he didn’t keel over like I had expected. Instead, he reached back and tried to pull me off his back.

Thankfully, Ira’s sub was quick on the draw with her whip, and she caught the demon’s massive paw before it could pluck me off his body. At the same time, Ira’s dom slammed her morning star into the son of a bitch’s leg.

Ukobach collapsed down onto one knee, but the blow didn’t seem to be critical. I used this opportunity to hop off the bastard’s body and reorient myself.

“Eat this, asshole,” Gula growled and slammed her battle axe directly into Ukobach’s chest. The demon let out a gasp of surprise, but he still didn’t fall.

“What the fuck?” the curvy redhead demanded.

“You’ll find that my skin is quite thick, I’m afraid,” Ukobach said devilishly. “Impenetrable like armor, you might say.”

“My morning star is stuck!” the dom grunted as she tugged at the hilt of her weapon.

“My axe too!” Gula said in a panic.

Ukobach cackled, twisted his body, and then struck Gula and Ira’s halves with a massive backhand. The bodies of the three succubi flew through the sky and only halted when Cupi caught them with a flash of blue Hellfire.

The sight of my friends getting hurt by this fucker burned at my very core. I felt a massive throbbing at my temples, and I knew my horns were sprouting.

Shit was about to get real for this asshole.

“So it is true,” Ukobach mocked. “The mortal poser found a way to look like us, too.”

“The only poser I see around here is you,” I warned as the Divine light began to engulf my body.

Before I could make a move, a large steel pipe stabbed through the demon’s chest from behind. The pipe stuck into the ground and pinned Ukobach down as he flailed and tried to pry himself loose.

“All armor is penetrable,” Libidine said smugly from across the room. “Light him up, Jacob!”

I clapped my palms together and channeled all of the Divine energy flowing through my body into my hands. It charged for a second, and then I unleashed it directly into the demon’s chest. Ukobach screamed as the light struck him in the chest and filled the room like a flash grenade. I held the attack for what seemed like forever, released, and then nearly fell back in shock.

The demon was still standing.

“Impressive,” he mused weakly as he pulled himself to his feet. “I see that the rumors of your heritage were true, as well.”

I didn’t know what this fucker was talking about, and frankly, I didn’t care. I blasted him again with the Divine light, but it did little more than knock him down on his ass.

“I got you, Jakey!” Todd exclaimed.

I looked over and saw the imp was standing on top of another huge steel pipe. It was aglow with Libidine’s emerald Hellfire, and Todd was balancing on top with his finger outstretched.

“Charge!” he ordered, and Libidine sent the makeshift missile hurtling toward Ukobach.

The demon turned around and caught the pipe in midair. Without slowing its momentum, he swung it around and smashed it directly into the side of my body.

There was a wet crack, and then I was tossed into the air. I felt myself smash into the cinder block wall, and then I collapsed to the ground. My body felt like it was on fire, and every time I took a breath there was a shooting pain that ran along the side of my torso. Something was definitely broken.

But I was still running on pure adrenaline. This asshole was tough, but I wasn’t going to let him kill my friends. I weakly stood to my feet and nursed my side. Across the room, Cupi and Todd were trying to engage with Ukobach hand-to-hand while Tris and Liby were attacking from afar. It was an image that both inspired me and made me sick to my core.

Even when things looked hopeless, even though it seemed like we couldn’t win this one, my friends still continued to fight on. For me.

I owed them better than this.

I closed my eyes and thought about everything that was at stake. I didn’t know much about Beelzebub, but if what Cupi and Liby had told me was true, he was even worse than Azazel. If his minion won here today, that was it. The armies of the Divine would fall, the human race would be wiped out, and, most importantly, all of my friends would either be killed or sent back to Hell with a cruel new master.

I sure as fuck wasn’t going to let that happen.

Suddenly, my entire soul felt warm. Maybe it was just the shock from the wounds, or maybe it was the Divine energy that coursed through my body. Either way, I got my second wind, and then my horns grew even longer as the area around me glowed brighter and brighter with Divine light.

There was only one way I could end this. With a big boom.

“Cupi, Liby, Tris!” I called out to the succubi. “We need to get clear and go up!”

Cupi dodged out of the way of Ukobach’s blow, sprouted her wings, and then flew over to the unconscious halves of Ira. The succubus then looked up, blasted a massive hole in the roof, and grabbed the Sisters of Wrath in her arms.

At the same time, Tris’ wings sprang forth, and she grabbed Gula.

Libidine and Todd were the last to disengage from Ukobach. The imp hopped onto the curvy succubus’ back, and then the two of them were over behind me in a flash.

Liby wrapped her arms underneath my pits and lifted me into the air. Instantly, my entire body screamed in agony, and I had to fight to keep myself from passing out from the pain.

The succubus carried me up through the hole in the ceiling and into the night sky.

“Is the noble Jacob Ralston running away?” I heard Ukobach taunt as we flew upward.

“You fucking wish,” I muttered under my breath. “Guys, I need--”

“I’m familiar with how your God Cannon works, Jakey,” Todd reassured. “You heard the man! Give him your energy!”

I summoned the white light of the Divine to my hands and then closed my eyes. Instantly, I felt the power from all of my friends coursing through my veins. I let their power flow through me for a moment, and then I opened my eyes and looked down at Ukobach.

“Dodge this,” I growled as I unleashed a beam of blinding light that must have been triple the size of my entire body.

The beam struck the top of the old church and punched a massive hole into the ceiling. There was a brilliant flash, and the next thing I knew, the entire building was shimmering with Divine luminescence. Before our eyes, the brick structure started to evaporate, hopefully along with the demon inside of it.

I continued to hold the blast for as long as my body would allow it, and then I released the spell.

“Holy fuck,” Cupi mused.

Below us, where the old church had been, was nothing more than a smoldering crater.

“Did he just--did Jacob just level an entire building?” Tris gasped.

“Yes he did,” Libidine said perkily. “He’s quite impressive, isn’t he?”

I felt Todd’s tiny hand patting me on the head. “That was the coolest shit I’ve ever seen, bro,” the imp exclaimed. “You gotta do that more often!”

I couldn’t even respond to my friend. I was completely drained, and my body was screaming in agony. All I could do was stare down at my work and savor the victory. Somehow, some way, we’d done it again.

The world was safe, at least for one more day.

I closed my eyes, and the next thing I knew, the world turned to black.

Chapter 23

Bacon.

When I finally came to, there was the distinct smell of bacon in the air. I opened my eyes and saw I was now back in my room at Quinn’s old mansion, safely tucked into the king-sized bed. Most importantly, my body no longer felt like I had been hit by a freight train. I threw back the covers and looked down at where I’d been hit by Ukobach. Instead of a black-and-blue mess of shattered flesh and bone, it looked completely healed.

Sia must have got to me before any permanent damage had been done.

I rolled out of bed, tossed on some clothes, and then made my way toward the direction of the delicious aroma. When I finally got downstairs, I was greeted by the sound of a smoke alarm.

“Shitshitshitshitshit!” Todd’s voice panicked from the kitchen.

I walked into the living area and saw the imp was standing at the stove with a smoking fry pan in his hand.

“Aw, I’m sorry, Jakey!” The imp sighed when he saw me. “I was gonna surprise you with breakfast in bed, but as you can see, I’m no Guy Fieri. I do swear like Gordon Ramsey, though … ”

“It’s alright, Todd,” I promised. “It’s the thought that counts, and I really appreciate what you’re trying to do.”

“Here,” a voice suggested from the other room. “You should let me try.”

Gula stepped through the threshold of the kitchen wearing a tight red crop-top and a pair of booty shorts. The redhead waltzed over to the stove, grabbed some spices out of the cupboard above, and then placed them on the counter.

“I’ve been told I’m pretty good at cooking,” she explained.

“Hey, if you can do anything more than oatmeal and buttered toast, you’ve already got me beat.” Todd shrugged.

“What are you doing here?” I asked the succubus, not even trying to hide the surprise in my voice.

“We live here now,” another familiar voice mused from behind me.

I turned around and saw Tris’ brunette head peeking up from the leather couch. “I guess you have been out this whole time,” she admitted. “We denounced Azazel. We’re part of your little demon hunting club now.”

“Wow,” I mused. “I’m out for a few hours and suddenly our group has grown by two whole succubi.”

“After what you did for us, how could we not?” Gula said with surprising softness. “If it wasn’t for you, Todd, and our sisters, we both would be dead right now. We owe you a debt we can never repay, Jacob Ralston. Though I swear to you, I will try.”

“No need,” I reassured the redhead. “I’m just happy we finally have you on our side. You guys kicked ass back there at the church.”

“We kicked ass?” Tris joked. “You’re the one who took out an entire building with your spirit bomb thingy.”

“God Cannon,” Todd corrected. “I’m totally getting that trademarked.”

“Actually, that is a pretty badass name for it,” I admitted. “What do the others think about this?”

“We love it,” Cupi explained as she, Liby, and Ira entered the room. “It’s like we’re getting the entire gang back together.”

“Well, minus one,” Liby added.

“Invidia?” I asked.

The dark-haired succubus gave me a sad nod. “The Sister of Envy is the last piece of the puzzle when it comes to defeating Azazel. Also, I’m starting to miss her. Seeing the rest of my friends back together makes me yearn to have her back in the group.”

“We will save Invidia, Sister,” Cupi promised. “Even if we have to literally travel through Hell to do so.”

“You guys are so overdramatic,” a sly voice observed.

I flipped around and saw Aruna standing in the corner of the room, with her arms crossed, leaning against the wall. The assassin was wearing a casual green Kurti dress that perfectly matched her dark hair and eyes.

“How long have you been there?” I questioned the Rakshasi. “And how did you know where to find us?”

“I’m a bounty hunter, Jacob,” she cooed. “I’m just here to get my payment. After all, it looks like my information led to something important.”

I walked over to the kitchen drawer where I kept my checkbook and pulled out one of the small notes. “How much do I owe you? A couple thousand? A million?”

Aruna walked over to where I was standing and put her hand gently on top of mine. “Let’s say three hundred,” she suggested, “because I like you.”

“Uh-oh,” Todd whispered not-so-quietly. “Sounds like our group is about to get bigger.”

“Nonsense, imp,” Aruna purred. “I’m just willing to give a discount to those who satisfy certain … needs.”

I wrote out the check, tore it off, and then handed it to the bounty hunter.

“She’s talking about his dick,” Todd whispered to Gula, once again loud enough for everyone to hear. “Jacob has a big dick.”

Gula giggled back. “So I’ve heard.”

“No homo though,” Todd verified. “Talking about your bro’s dick doesn’t make you gay.”

“Suuurrrre,” Gula chuckled.

Aruna placed the check safely in her pocket and then produced a small card. She placed it in my hand, closed my fingers around it, and then looked me deeply in the eyes.

“It’s my card,” she explained. “Give me a call if you ever need me.”

“I’ll make sure I do.” I winked at the Rakshasi. “We could always use somebody as badass and sexy as you in our group.”

“Careful now,” Aruna said playfully. “You might just make me break my Rakshasa code. Farewell, Jacob Ralston. Hopefully, the next time we meet, we’ll be fighting for the same side.”

“I hope so too,” I nodded.

The bounty hunter turned and walked out of the room toward the main entrance of the mansion.

“Call me,” Ira sighed quietly as the front door slammed shut.

“Is it bad to be relieved that she didn’t charge us more?” I asked. “I know she’s the best of the best, but I also know we’re currently bleeding funds.”

“About that,” Cupi spoke up. “While you were out, we spoke with Jane, Oliver, and Sia.”

“Are they still here?” I asked hopefully.

The blonde succubus shook her head. “Unfortunately not,” she confessed. “We called Sia here when we saw how bad you were hurt, but she left shortly after she healed you. Jane and Oliver, we just spoke with them on the phone.”

“And?” I pushed. “What did they say? Is everything going alright?”

“More than alright!” Libidine interjected. “Sia says that, under her guidance, the Velvet Lips is becoming quite the powerhouse in the world of gentlemen’s clubs. It’s already starting to bring in a profit.”

“That’s great.” I grinned. “What about the cult? How are they handling their increased responsibilities?”

“Jane and Oliver are currently hot on the trail of one of the remaining Seventy-Two Servants,” Cupi explained. “They couldn’t be here in person, but they told me how excited they were now that the Cult of Beelzebub was in the fray.”

“Why the hell would they be excited about that?” I chuckled. “It’s another massive group of magic users that are going to try to kill us.”

“Because,” the fit succubus continued, “if we can somehow defeat Beelzebub, you will inherit all of his cultists. Oliver sounded like he was dripping wet just thinking about all the things we could do if we doubled our numbers.”

“That analogy,” Todd gasped. “I’m so proud of you, Cupi.”

“Did anything else happen while we were out trying to recruit these two?” I asked as I pointed to Tris and Gula. “It sounds like we’ve already missed quite a lot.”

“Oh!” Ira jumped up and down. “The first public polls came back for my election. I’m in the lead by five points!”

“That’s great, Ira,” I grinned. “Or should I call you ‘Maggie?’”

“Ira,” the succubus said with a roll of her eyes. “I really hate that fucking name, but it’s what Marvin decided to go with, so I guess I’m stuck with it. Our first debate is coming up here in a few weeks. That’s going to be the real challenge in winning over the hearts and minds of the public.”

“What about Raphael?” I said as I finished off my mental checklist. “Have we heard anything from him whatsoever?”

“No.” Liby frowned. “There’s been nothing but radio silence from the Divine.”

“It’s probably just because he hasn’t gotten a new phone yet.” Todd shrugged. “I kinda did a number on his Nokia.”

“I hope so,” I admitted. “The last thing we need right now are issues with the Big Man Upstairs. Especially if we really are going to have to go where I think we have to go.”

I felt Cupi’s slender hands on my back, and the succubus began to massage away. “It’s alright, my love,” she promised. “You now have six of Azazel’s seven succubi. The King of the Fourth Circle is weaker than he’s ever been, and now that there’s another demon out for his blood, he’s going to lay low.”

“Which means?” I asked.

“We don’t have to go to that place until you are ready,” she finished. “Trust me, you don’t want to try and go into the underworld unprepared.”

“Cupiditas is right,” Ira agreed. “A mortal going to Hell woefully unprepared is Lucifer’s bread and butter. He’d eat you up and spit you out before you even passed through the gates of the First Circle.”

“What do you suggest, then?” I rubbed my brow in frustration. “We can’t just leave Invidia down there, imprisoned by that asshole for all eternity. And we sure as fuck can’t let Azazel live. Until he dies, we’re all still in danger.”

“We need to build up your empire, Jacob,” Libidine spoke up. “You already have a large cult following and a succubus who is a genius in the business world. If all goes as planned, then soon you’ll have an insider in the government, as well.”

“I’m a good cook!” Gula added as she worked away at the stove.

“And I’ve got millions of incredible ideas floating around in this brain of mine,” Tris explained. “Sometimes it just takes a little bit of weed and a day of sleeping on the couch to get the juices flowing.”

“I like that one more and more every minute, bro,” Todd mused. “Also, I could build up a following with my podcast. That’d totally get you more influence in the world of the occult.”

Cupi came around to the front of my body and placed her soft hands against my cheeks. “Use us, Jacob,” she said not-so-coyly. “We all have special skills that could help you grow your influence here on Earth Realm. Let us help you get stronger, and then we can think about our final battle with Azazel.”

“Breakfast is served,” Gula interrupted. “Hurry up, before it gets cold.”

The redhead set a large plate of pancakes and bacon down on the breakfast bar, and my friends and I swarmed.

Everything looked perfectly done. The bacon was crisp and greasy, with long streaks of white fat running through the pinkish-red skin. Meanwhile, the pancakes were golden brown and smothered with butter and maple syrup. I picked up a strip of bacon, placed it in my mouth, and was instantly transported to heaven on Earth.

“Alright,” I conceded. “We won’t jump straight into Hell, but only if Gula here promises to come along on our adventures. We really need a good cook, and these pancakes are delicious.”

As my friends and I sat around the breakfast bar, chatting and enjoying our food, my mind drifted to Cupiditas’ words.

The final battle with my arch enemy was fast approaching, but I knew we would be ready. After all, we’d faced Azazel before and come out ahead. And now? Now I had two more of his succubi.

“Jacob, you look troubled. Do you want some more pancakes?” Gula asked as she leaned in so close to me that her breasts pressed into my back and held out a plate of fluffy blueberry goodness. “Because breakfast makes everything better.”

“I’m not troubled,” I said with a laugh as I held out my plate. “Just excited about ruling the world.”

End Book 4

End Notes

Thank you for reading Succubus Lord 4! This series gets tons of positive feedback and reviews. Thank you again for leaving me a review here!

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2018 by Eric Vall