Chapter 1

“Why can’t all Earth clothing be like this?” Sia asked as we pulled into the parking lot of the Velvet Lips Nightclub.

“Because if that kind of outfit was everyday attire, us guys would never get anything done.” I laughed and killed the ignition on Shadow, our jet-black Jeep Wrangler. “We’d all be waaay too distracted.”

As much as I found the redhead's comment funny, I wasn’t joking.

All three of my succubi were wearing the skimpiest, most revealing outfits they could find.

Sia was essentially wearing a pair of slim leather strips that rested over her shoulders and ran vertically down her chest, just barely covering the nipples on her petite breasts. At her waist, leather straps attached to a pair of leather bottoms that looked like they were being devoured by her tight ass.

Cupiditas, the fit blonde, wore a skin-tight red dress that hung just above her breasts and ended just at the top of her inner thigh.

She may not have been showing as much skin as her sister, but she was flaunting her goods all the same.

Then there was Libidine, the curvy, raven-haired succubus.

Liby’s attire was specifically catered to her best assets. She wore a black, sheer top with a plunging neckline that showed off her massive cleavage. The top itself was completely see-through, and if it weren’t for the star-shaped pasties covering her nipples, nothing would be left to the imagination. To finish off the sexy outfit, the succubus wore the tightest pair of leather pants she could find.

“I have to admit, bro,” Todd the imp spoke up as he slid out of the passenger seat, “I don’t think I’ll be too much help on this mission.”

“Why not?” Libidine asked with concern. “Is everything alright?”

“Everything’s perfect!” The imp chuckled and then turned invisible. “That’s the problem. It’s gonna be reealll hard to focus when all these sexy dancers are up in my face.”

“Luckily for you, we’re not here to sit back and enjoy the show,” I joked. “We’re here to kill Zepar.”

“He was definitely one of the easier people to find from our list.” Cupiditas shrugged. “A demon who forces people to fall in love? Where better to hide than as the owner of a strip club?”

“And not just any strip club,” Sia added. “One of the most successful in this region.”

“That’s why I’m worried about getting distracted,” Todd’s voice said with a giggle. “These women are supposed to be sexy as fuck, and we’re going in during prime business hours.”

“To kill a demon and take over his operation,” I reminded the imp.

“Oh yeah.” Todd said. “Honestly, I’m not sure which part of that makes me harder.”

“Bro!” I gagged.

“I’m a lot more of a sadomasochist now, so definitely the ‘killing him and stealing his shit’ part,” he continued. “Becoming an imp has awakened some things inside of me that I never knew existed, Jakey.”

“Maybe we should let you spend a night with Sister Ira,” Libidine suggested. “That’d change your opinion really quick.”

“No thanks,” Todd retorted. “Not into demon chicks, remember?”

The five of us were now at the entrance of the Velvet Lips, and I slowly pushed the tinted glass-and-chrome door open.

Instantly, all five of my senses were assaulted.

Some sort of bass-filled techno beat blasted in my ears, and I could barely hear myself think. Meanwhile, my eyes darted around the club between the brightly lit stages, the colorful stage lights, and the sexy naked women dancing in cages and on the main stage. As we began to walk across the sticky floor, my nostrils took in the scent of the place.

It seemed to be a mixture of sweat, alcohol, and shame.

The five of us continued across the club until we came to a large, u-shaped booth with a black leather seat and gray table in the middle.

“We need to get one of the server’s attention.” I motioned to the booth. “Quickest way to do that is by pretending to be customers.”

Sia and Liby slid into the booth first, followed by me and Cupi. I wrapped my arms around the three succubi and leaned back as a seductive voice grabbed my attention.

“What have we here?” the sultry voice had come from a topless blonde server.

The woman stood there, her perky breasts completely exposed, and a tray in her hand. Her tiny nipples were erect, and she bit her lip as she looked us up and down.

“You girls better be careful.” She winked at the succubi. “The bossman won’t be happy if you beauties start drawing attention away from the stage. Unless, of course, you’re here to enjoy the show as well.”

“We want to be part of the show,” Cupiditas purred seductively. “We love to show off our bodies anyway, so we figured why not try to make some money while we’re at it?”

“Ohhh.” The blonde woman’s eyes lit up happily, but then her face contorted into a frown. “As well as I think you’d do here, my boss doesn’t do open auditions. His dancers are hired by appointment, only.”

“Can you go inform your boss that we’ve arrived?” Sia batted her large violet eyes at the blonde.

“Sorry, guys.” The topless woman shrugged. “The bossman doesn’t like to come out of his office unless it’s official strip club business.”

“Then how about a round of drinks?” I offered. “We may as well enjoy ourselves while we’re here.”

“That’s what I like to hear.” The blonde server grinned from ear to ear. “What can I get you, handsome?”

“Broooo,” Todd whispered into my ear. “The stripper is actually flirting with you. Like, for realsies. This is a momentous occasion. They normally just give me a disgusted look and laugh when I try to hit on them.”

It took everything in my power not to laugh at Todd’s comment. Then I glanced over at the bar to see what kind of alcohol they had at this fine establishment. My eyes flitted past the many bottles of different shapes, sizes, and colors, until I finally spotted a familiar bottle with a blue and gold label.

“Is that Johnnie Walker Blue Label I see up there?” I asked with a flirtatious tone. “I’ll take one. Neat.”

“Hmmm,” the blonde’s eyes lit up, and then she crossed her arms across her tiny breasts. “A man who knows what he wants, I see. And one who has expensive tastes. What about for your friends?”

“Bro, get me some fucking tequila shots,” Todd whispered into my ear, “and some Jaeger bombs.”

“How about a couple shots of your top-shelf tequila and some Jaeger bombs?” I asked the waitress

“That’s a lot of alcohol for a guy that’s so slim,” she flirted. “Are you trying to get tipsy so that somebody will take advantage of you?”

“That’s the idea,” Cupiditas purred as she ran her hand up and down my thigh. “There’s always room for one more, you know.”

“I’m still on duty for another few hours,” the waitress giggled and tapped at an invisible watch on her wrist, “but all bets are off once I’m out those doors. In the meantime, what can I get you beauties?”

“I’d very much like to try this ‘Tequila’ that To-- I mean, you are getting,” Libidine spoke up.

“I’ll have what he’s having.” Sia nodded at me. “I trust his judgement.”

“And for you, doppelgänger?” The blonde waitress smiled at Cupi.

“I knew there was a reason I found you so attractive,” the succubus purred. “I’ll have the whiskey as well.”

“You know what?” I shrugged. “Just bring us the whole bottle and some glasses. We’ll separate it out ourselves.”

“High-rolling it today, aren’t you?” The topless woman giggled. “I’ll be right back with those drinks.”

I turned toward the spot where Todd’s voice had come from.

“Tequila and Jaeger?” I questioned. “We’re on a mission, you know. How fucked up are you trying to get?”

“Relax, Jakey.” Todd snickered. “Like you said, nothing can ever be as bad as college. Remember that time we both got blackout drunk and then woke up in the trunk of Lola?”

“I still have no fucking idea how we ended up in there.” I shook my head as we reminisced. “I miss that shitty beater car.”

“You mind your tongue!” Todd hissed jokingly. “She may be long gone, but she was still my baby.”

“She may not have looked like much on the outside, but she held a lot of sentimental value,” Libidine added and then turned to Sia. “It’s where the three of us first made our triple connection.”

“I wish I could have been there.” The redhead smirked. “What happened to her?”

“Your ‘ol buddy Azazel sent a bunch of assassins after us,” Todd explained. “They totally blew her off the road with an RPG and a full minute of heavy machine gun fire, but even then, Lola still wasn’t out. She started transforming into a giant robot--”

“That’s definitely not what happened.” I shook my head. “At least we have Shadow now. She’s no Lola, but she gets us where we need to go.”

“For now,” the imp corrected. “The ride back from San Francisco was a little crowded with you, me, the succubi, and Jane all in there. We’re gonna have to work on that fast-travel ability the girls told us about sooner rather than later.”

“I’m not sure I’m strong enough for that yet.” I shrugged. “I can’t seem to teleport anything more than a mile or two, let alone across the country.”

“Believing in yourself is the first step, Jakey,” Todd encouraged. “That, and getting a fuck ton more succubi that you can bang so you will become stronger.”

“Todd’s on the right track, you know.” Sia confirmed. “Look at how strong you’ve gotten with just the three of us. Now, imagine what will happen when you have all seven of Azazel’s succubi?”

“Who knows?” I leaned back and put my hands behind my head. “Maybe someday I’ll have an army of succubi at my side. Hundreds, no, thousands of beautiful naked women who want nothing more than to serve me.”

“I think all of our recent success has been going to your head, Jakey,” Todd laughed, “both of them.”

“Nonsense.” I said. “I’ve already got three succubi, a sexy cultist, and an entire army of followers at my side. It can only get better from here on out.”

“I heard you say something about followers?” the blonde server asked as she set our drinks down on the silver table and then plopped down at the far end of the leather seat. “Can you teach me your secrets?”

“Uh, secrets?” I tried to play dumb.

“She’s onto us bro!” Todd whispered fearfully. “You want me to light her up?”

I discreetly stuck out my hand to calm the invisible imp down.

“Yeah!” the topless blonde bubbled. “I want to know how you got so many followers. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret of my own--”

The woman leaned over and motioned for me to come in close.

As I leaned over the table toward her, I tried not to stare at her hanging breasts. At least, not obviously.

“I’m working here at this strip club, but that’s not what I really want to do with the rest of my life,” she whispered.

“Oh?” I tried to feign surprise.

“Nope.” She giggled. “I want to be a model. I have an account on every social media platform known to man, but barely any followers. I want to know your secret!”

I let out a sigh of relief and laughed. “Maybe after I’ve had a few drinks, I’ll be ready to spill the beans.”

“Or spill something else.” The blonde winked coyly at me. Then she stood back up and picked up her serving tray. “I’m only a waitress for a few more minutes. Then I get to get up there on stage. Maybe you’d like a dance?”

“Maybe,” I said with a playful wink as the topless woman started to walk away.

As soon as the blonde was out of earshot, I turned back to where Todd was sitting.

“See?” I said with a raised eyebrow. “That’s why we don’t just burn people to death when they’re acting funny.”

“Well shit.” Todd clicked his tongue. “I guess I owe an apology to a couple of the birds I saw in the park the other day. The little fuckers were eyein’ me, I swear to God…”

“What do we do now, Jacob?” Sia asked with concern in her voice.

“We relax,” I explained as I reached over for the Blue Label. “Zepar’s not going anywhere. We’ll figure out a way to get him to come out here, and then we’ll go from there.”

I opened the bottle of Johnnie Walker whisky and tried to distribute it evenly into our cups. Then I sat the bottle back down and spread out the six shots of tequila between Liby and Todd. Finally, I slid the imp his Jaeger Bombs.

“Still think that’s a mistake, bro.” I warned Todd one last time.

“I’ll be fine, Jakey.” He promised. “Just drink your high-class fancy shit, and I’ll worry about the sticky deer-blood.”

I raised my glass into the air, and all four of my friends followed suit.

“Cheers!” I called out and then tilted the glass backward.

The whiskey was as smooth as butter going down, with a small hint of nutty-caramel-smoky flavor. As the liquid traveled through my throat, I felt a warm sensation spread out all across my body.

This was some high-quality stuff. But I already knew that.

Beside me, I saw two of the shot glasses of tequila lift into the air and then pour down the invisible imp’s gullet.

“Yikes!” Todd coughed violently. “I don’t remember it being that potent.”

“That’s because we always bought the shitty big box store stuff,” I said with a laugh. “It was all we could afford.”

The invisible imp let out a loud belch, but luckily, everybody was too focused on the women on stage to notice.

“Easy there, buddy.” I warned. “Your body is way smaller now. It probably can’t handle as much as you’re used to.”

“Nonsense, Jakey-boy,” Todd said as he picked up two of the jaeger bombs and poured them into what I assumed was his mouth. “I can throw ‘em back just like I used to. See?”

“I’m not sure if it’s the alcohol talking, or what,” Libidine giggled, “but this music makes me want to get up and dance.”

“That’s it!” Cupiditas stood up in revelation. “The dancers! That sexy blonde waitress said that she was going to be switching over to be a dancer pretty soon here, right?”

“How could I forget?” I chuckled.

“Maybe she could be our ticket to getting Zepar’s attention,” the blonde succubus mused. “If there’s one thing that a demon loves more than raw power, its riches.”

“I’m not following,” Todd hiccuped. “Do you want Jakey to get up there and start stripping?”

“Of course not.” Cupi shook her head and laughed. “Even though that’s a sight I’d love to behold. No, Jacob’s going to flaunt his riches for everyone to see.”

“You want me to make it rain?” I couldn’t believe my ears.

“How much money did you bring?” Sia asked.

I rifled through my pockets and produced the large wad of twenties we had pulled out of Robert Quinn’s bank account.

“About six grand, if I’m remembering correctly,” I said as I counted the money.

“Excellent.” Sia’s eyes narrowed. “Spend it all.”

“You’re going to make it rain all over that woman who was flirting with you,” Cupi explained. “Show the rest of the girls up there that you’re a high-roller--”

“And then I’ll have the attention of all the strippers in this place, and Zepar won’t be able to ignore me,” I finished. “That’s a brilliant idea, Cupi!”

“Not to mention,” Todd hiccuped, “it gives Jakey an excuse to have a bunch of hot chicks grind on his crotch and shove their tits in his face.”

“That too,” I said with a big smile. “That too.”

“Gentlemen, give it up for Chastity!” the announcer’s said, and his voice was met with cheers from the entire club. “And now, let’s give a big, Velvet Lips welcome to our own Megan Miracleeeeeee!”

It was the waitress. She wore a shimmering silver bikini as she walked out onto the stage and struck a seductive pose.

“Do we have a song suggestion for this sexy, sultry siren?” The announcer asked the entire club.

“West Philadelphia, born and raised!” the tipsy Todd called out from beside me.

“Did I hear ‘Cherry Pie?’” the announcer continued even though no one in the club had suggested it. “Let’s do it!”

The opening guitar riff of the song blared through the club as the blonde woman strutted around the stage like she owned it. Once the lyrics of the track started, the dancer slowly began to grind her hips and flip her flowing hair to the beat.

“Showtime.” I grinned as I stood up, adjusted my shirt, and then headed toward the woman in silver.

“We thank you for your sacrifice, brother!” Todd’s voice giggled sarcastically.

The blonde woman had drawn a decent sized crowd up around the stage, and she was getting bombarded with dollar bills left and right. She looked up and then froze for a moment when she saw me approaching. A sly grin slid up her face, and the dancer started back up again. Without breaking eye contact, she stuck her thumbs underneath the straps of her bikini and pulled at them teasingly.

The crowd roared and whistled for her to take it off, but the blonde only tugged it down enough to expose the very tips of her areolas.

Finally, I made it to the front just in time for the main event. I pulled out one of the twenties, locked eyes with the dancer, and gave her a wink.

The blonde woman must have understood because she instantly bit her lip excitedly. She tugged the bikini top down the rest of the way and exposed her perky breasts and erect nipples.

I could feel myself grinning like a fool as I extended two of the twenties out for her to take.

“Thank you, darling,” she cooed as she stuffed the bills into the sidebands of her panties.

“There’s plenty more where that came from, ‘Megan,’” I said over the beat of the music and roar of the crowd.

Megan Miracle stood up and strutted over toward the shiny chrome pole in the middle of the stage. She reached up, took the metal rod in both hands and then swung around it gracefully. The blonde halted her momentum when she wrapped her legs tightly around the pole and extended her torso outward. She continued to spin freely in the air, held up by nothing but the strength of her legs.

Damn. I threw another couple of twenties onto the stage.

The dancer slid down the pole and landed with her knees on the ground. She leaned forward and began to crawl forward, picking up the strewn bills as she went. Her supple breasts hung down, and she used her arms to smoosh them together as she crawled right toward me.

“Just how much more do you want to see?” she asked with a sexy growl.

I smiled and held up the two wads of twenties. “All of it,” I pleaded. “And bring your friends.”

The dancer’s eyes lit up when she saw the money. She continued her dance routine by rolling over onto her back and kicking her legs in the air repeatedly. As she did so, she slowly slid her panties up around her thighs. She caught them around her left ankle and then tossed them out into the crowd with a flick of her leg.

Behind me, I heard a bunch of guys fighting over the discarded panties as I threw another hundred or so at the naked woman.

The sexy blonde gyrated her body as she stood to her feet, and then she looked over at the other two dancers performing off on the side stages. Ms. Miracle seductively motioned for them to come and join her, and then she turned her attention back to me. She continued to run her hands up and down her body and gyrate sexily to the different beats that were booming through the club. Finally, a brunette and another blonde woman appeared at her side.

The brunette was petite, with long, slender legs and breasts that were tiny, yet beautiful. She was completely topless, but the dancer was still wearing a hot pink bikini bottom.

The second blonde dancer was a little more on the thick side of things, with breasts that were threatening to pop out of her black sheer top and an ass so curvy that you could probably balance a level on it.

Ms. Miracle whispered to the other two strippers as she pointed directly at me. The next thing I knew, I was being pulled onto the stage by the three women.

“Go Jacob!” I heard Libidine call out from somewhere in the crowd.

All three of the dancers began to grind against me to the beat of the music.

The brunette was behind, running her hands along the small of my back as she pressed her naked torso against my body.

At the same time, the busty blonde woman stood off to the side and rubbed her soft fingers tenderly against my face and neck.

Then there was Ms. Miracle herself. The flirty blonde was completely naked, and she made sure that she had the best seat in the house. She stood directly in front of me and grinded her tight ass against my throbbing manhood.

As the women danced on me, I continued to toss twenties at them like they were going out of style.

“Jakey!” Todd’s drunken voice called out from across the club, but I was already focused on the sexy woman in front of me.

I ignored they imp’s words and kept soaking in the incredible scene in front of me.

“Jaaaaakeeeeyyyy!” Todd’s voice now sounded angry, but I continued to ignore him.

“Jacob!” Cupiditas’s voice finally snapped me back to reality.

I scanned the club for the three succubi and found them just off to my right.

Cupi was pointing excitedly toward the back of the club, while Liby and Sia were both giving me the ‘ol thumbs up.

I looked over to where the blonde succubus was pointing, and I saw a man huffing toward the stage.

The music cut off, and the entire club groaned and murmured in annoyance.

“Sir, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ask you to get off the stage,” he demanded.

This must have been Zepar.

The strip club owner looked about how I expected. He wore an untidy white button-up shirt with a plain ol’ pair of slim-cut jeans. Over the shirt, he wore a dark red blazer, and his mismatch of an outfit made him look both classy and tacky at the same time.

“Girls, this isn’t a private performance!” he barked at the women who surrounded me. “Go back to your dressing rooms.”

The three strippers pouted and then waltzed off the stage in a huff.

“That was really stupid, bro.” I clicked my tongue and shook my head. “I was gonna tip all of them really well for that lapdance.”

“I appreciate your enthusiasm, sir,” Zepar’s tone changed to one much more slimy and charming, “But you must understand that we can’t have any gentlemen up on the stage here at this gentlemen’s club.”

“Don’t act like you wouldn’t love it!” Todd’s voice slurred from somewhere out in the crowd.

“Excuse me?” the demon hissed and looked around for a moment, and then he turned back to me. “As I was saying, if you want to show the girls just how much you appreciate them, you’re going to have to schedule a session in one of our ‘private rooms.’ I’m sure Ms. Miracle would love to provide her services for you.”

“Look, I have to level with you,” I chuckled and motioned across the room for the succubi and Todd to come join us. “I’m not here for shits and giggles, and I’m sure as fuck not here to give you any more money.”

“That’s right,” the imp’s disembodied voice added. “We’re gonna take it from you, motherfucker!”

Zepar looked behind me for the source of the voice, but then straightened his blazer and scowled when he didn’t see anyone.

“Then you’re wasting my fucking time,” he growled. “I’m a busy man, with lots of shit to do. I--”

The succubi, and I assumed Todd, were now standing around Zepar in a circle.

“Do you really think you can intimidate me with a couple of skanky-looking bitches?” He chuckled. “Get the fuck out of my club before--”

“You gonna let him talk to you like that?” Todd’s voice now came out in a drunken stupor.

“Who the fuck keeps butting into our conversation?” Zepar demanded as he looked around. “Whoever you are, you need to mind your own damn business!”

Without warning, a blast of projectile vomit sprayed from where Todd was sitting and struck the demon in the chest. Zepar bent over and tried not to hurl as he fumbled to remove his now-stained blazer.

“I feel better now,” the imp slurred.

“Wa-- Wait.” The man was still doubled over as he gagged out the words. “A-- A cocky tall guy with three hot women? An invisible friend? Here in my club, trying to-- to woo me?”

The demon tossed his blazer off to the side and stood up to face me.

“You’re Jacob Ralston, aren’t you?” He spat.

I just shrugged. “Guilty as charged, Zepar.”

“I should have known this day would come,” the fucker growled. “Luckily, I’m prepared.”

“You’re surrounded,” Cupiditas retorted. “Just give up, and we’ll send you back to Hell quickly.”

Zepar clicked his tongue and began to laugh. He held up his hand, closed it to make a fist, and then the booming music was silenced.

All around us, I heard the all-too-familiar sound of guns cocking. As my eyes darted back and forth around the room, I saw that a bunch of the men who had been acting as customers were now holding pistols. The few who weren’t were now panicking and scrambling for the exits alongside the dancers.

I turned back to Zepar, who was now cackling maniacally.

The demon tossed out his arms, and his entire body began to glow with red Hellfire. Shiny, scale-like crimson armor began to materialize and spread across his body. Not a second later, Zepar was fully encased in the brilliant protective garment.

Upon his head, he now wore a large helmet with two long, protruding horns with only a small slit for his eyes. The armor appeared to be a cross between dragon scales and bone, with each panel of armor containing a bony protrusion. Large, spiny shoulder pads now jutted out of his frame, and he held a massive shield in his left hand. Behind the demon hung a tattered leather cape.

Zepar stuck out his right hand and summoned forth a mammoth broadsword.

“Now, mortal,” he bellowed, “who’s the one that’s surrounded?”

Chapter 2

“You’re the one who’s surrounded, bitch!” Todd slurred, and then he turned visible once more and summoned a small bit of Hellfire into his hand. “We’ll kill you, and then all your little gunny buddies will run away like pussies when they see how bad we fuck you up.”

“The imp is just as annoying as the stories I’ve heard,” Zepar’s muffled voice hissed from behind his helmet. “I didn’t think that was possible.”

“Annoy this.” Todd clapped his hands together, and the Hellfire grew slightly larger. “Hadouken!”

The imp launched a basketball-sized blast of Hellfire at the massive demon that struck Zepar in the chest, bounced harmlessly off like a rubber ball, and ignited a small spot on the floor.

The demon nonchalantly looked down at the fire and stomped it out with his armored foot.

“Huh,” Todd hiccuped. “I totally thought that was gonna work.”

“Now, it’s my turn,” Zepar said as a sly smile spread across his lips. Then, very slowly, he raised his hand. “Goodbye, Mr. Ralston.” Then the motherfucker snapped his fingers.

As the strip club was filled with the crackle of gunfire from all angles, I conjured a barrier of purple Hellfire around me and friends.

“Enchanted bullets!” Sia hissed as the glowing silver bullets pounded the barriers and hissed as they ricocheted off.

“They’re not going to let up any time soon,” I shouted over the screams of the strippers and patrons alike as they ran for cover. “We need to mount a counter-offensive.”

“I love that game,” Todd hiccuped. “That’s the one that all the people play on PC, right?”

“What’s wrong with him?” Cupiditas pointed to the imp who could barely stand on his feet.

“He got a little too carried away with his alcohol,” I said with a sigh. “Now, on three. Ready?”

“Ready!” The three succubi replied in unison.

I nodded. “One… Two… Three!”

I took a deep breath and summoned a few portals of emerald flame between us and our assailants, and as their bullets disappeared into the rifts, the purple hellfire barrier around us stopped flaring with every impact. I smiled as I clocked each of their positions and cast more green Hellfire. Only this time, I opened the rifts above their positions.

“So, it was a good idea,” I said to Zepar as the fuckers’ own bullets exited the portals and rained down on their heads. “Just lousy with execution.” I shrugged. “Points for trying though.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a few of the lifeless assholes collapse to the ground, and while several of them were able to avoid the hail of bullets, I wasn’t worried at all.

That’s what the succubi were for.

As the last of the bullets cascaded from the portals I’d summoned, I removed the purple protection spell, so each of my friends could unleash their own deadly attacks into the crowd.

I turned to see one of Libidine’s yellow spears stab through the jaw of an assailant, and another one’s head exploded as it was struck with a blast of red Hellfire.

“I must give you props, mortal,” Zepar said sarcastically. “You’ve already survived way longer than I thought you would.”

Todd jumped in between the hulking demon and me and raised his tiny fists up into the air. The imp was trying to pull off a fighting stance, but he was wobbling around like crazy.

“Liby and I are on crowd control!” Cupiditas exclaimed right before the two succubi ran toward the remaining fuckers with the enchanted bullets.

The demon in the massive red armor cackled and readied his sword.

“Sia, your black Hellfire wouldn’t happen to work on this guy, would it?” I asked hopefully.

“You should know by now,” the redhead sighed. “Only if he is weakened first.”

“Come at me, broseph!” Todd was now beating his chest like a gorilla as Zepar sauntered toward him.

Quickly, I drew my goat-headed dagger from its sheath. I held the weapon out in front of me and waved my left hand over it. As I did so, the small blade of the weapon glowed red with Hellfire and extended out into the shape of a cutlass.

“Knock him off-guard for me, okay?” I looked over at Sia, who nodded in agreement.

I gripped my enchanted weapon in my hand and charged at Zepar. As I ran, I felt the dull throbbing in my temples that signaled the growth of my blue horns.

Just as I dashed by Todd, Sia’s blast of red Hellfire shot past my left shoulder.

The attack crashed into Zepar’s horned helmet, and his head recoiled for a brief second from the impact. Sia’s attack hadn’t done any real damage, but it gave me enough of an opening to close the gap on the fucker.

Without slowing my momentum, I dove to the ground as I came up to the demon. My body slid across the disgusting floor and passed right between Zepar’s spread legs. Then I thrust the enchanted sword up into the slit where his thigh armor met his lower body.

The demon shrieked in agony, and I felt the splash of his warm blood as it sprayed out onto my face.

I rolled into an upright position behind Zepar and stood to my feet as the demon spun around and struck me with his massive shield.

I tumbled across the strip club, over tiny shards of broken glass, hot bullet casings, and substances that I didn’t even want to identify. My body finally came to a crashing halt when it struck the side of the main stage.

Ouch.

As I pulled myself up off the ground, I looked up past the stars circling my vision and saw Zepar limping toward me.

“That hurt, but it won’t be enough to stop me.” The demon raised his broadsword into the air and swung it down at my head as soon as he got within striking distance.

Before it could connect, I caught the blow with a quick barrier of purple Hellfire. I thrust my sword up at the demon’s torso, but he was fast enough to knock my strike away with his own shield.

With expert skill, Zepar then turned his shield horizontally and punched it forward into my stomach.

The air was completely knocked out of my lungs, and I stumbled back a few steps.

I leapt to my left just as Zepar buried his sword to the hilt in the ground where I’d been standing. Before he could recover, I cast the emerald fire around myself and teleported up onto the stage. Zepar looked around in confusion, and I took this brief pause in the fight to survey my surroundings and catch my breath.

If I really wanted to give it to this fucker, I needed to up the ante.

Sia was trying her damnedest to attack the red-armored demon, but all of her blasts were just bouncing off his armor as if they were little more than spitballs. Todd was next to her, hurling small fireballs at the wall and shouting obscenities as he did so. His attacks also seemed ineffective, but it didn’t stop the little guy from screaming like he’d just won at beer pong when each blast of fire connected.

I looked to my left and saw Cupi snap the neck of an assailant, and then I turned to my right and watched Libidine skewer a couple of the fuckers with a broken bar stool.

That gave me an idea.

I reached out with my left hand and encased the thick metal stripper pole next to me in jade fire.

Pieces of drywall fell down onto the stage as I tugged the pole out of its resting place and then flipped it on its side. Just as Zepar turned back to face me, I launched the massive makeshift spear into his chest.

The fucker grunted as the metal pole impacted straight on, and the tremendous blow tossed him back into the air. Zepar’s cape fluttered behind his body as he twisted, and then he landed upright on the ground.

While the pole I'd thrown like a spear hadn't cracked his armor, it had left a massive dent in the breastplate. Zepar glanced down at the mark, then up at me, and it seemed like his red glowing eyes actually narrowed in his helmet.

I guessed he was mad, and that fact was confirmed when he charged right past Sia and angled toward the stage where I was standing.

I dismissed the enchantment on my knife and slid it back into its sheath. As I raised both of my emerald-engulfed hands, I aimed the metal pole at Zepar and made a bending motion. The shiny post flew down and wrapped itself around the fucker’s legs mid-charge.

Zepar’s momentum was instantly halted, and the weight of his large body was sent crashing into the ground. The impact caused the fucker’s sword and shield to tumble out of his hands and skid across the ground.

“Sia!” I called across the club. “Try it now!”

The redhead lifted her right arm and blasted a beam of black Hellfire at the demon. Sia’s spell caught Zepar as he struggled with the thick metal trap, and it caused him to seize up in agony.

“It’s not working as it should!” the madame yelled as she held her attack. “He’s still too strong!”

Zepar was finally able to wrest the pole off of his legs and toss it to the side. He pulled himself to his feet, but he had to stop every few seconds to writhe in pain from the corona of black Hellfire licking over his form.

The fucker’s magic might not have been completely squelched by Sia’s flames, but it certainly had an effect on him.

As Zepar lumbered for his sword and shield, I could see that his magic armor was flickering on and off of his body. He almost looked like a character that was glitching out in a video game, and I realized that we were finally starting to win.

Before he could reach his weapons, Libidine and Cupiditas landed on each side of the massive demon. The glitched-out warrior tried to punch Cupi, but the fit blonde succubus caught his fist in a time-freezing spell of blue Hellfire before it could make contact.

From his other side, Libidine picked up the discarded stripper pole with her telekinetic fire, looped it over to the fucker’s head, and then wrapped it around his neck. Liby continued to use her magic to tighten the pole around the demon’s throat, but his constantly reappearing helmet kept her from delivering the killing blow.

Todd then joined the fray, hopped up into the air, and released a hailstorm of tiny fireballs at Zepar.

“It’s a-me, Toddio!” he slurred with a god-awful Italian accent.

A few of the imp’s attacks struck the demon’s body when his armor was glitching out, and he let out a scream of pain.

That’s it.

“Sia!” I cupped my hands over my mouth. “I want you to release him on my signal?”

“What?” The redhead sounded shocked. “You want me to just let him go?”

“Just trust me on this one!” I reassured her.

I closed my eyes and thought about the things that fueled my passion. I thought about how my and Sia’s bodies had mingled out in the desert. I thought about how the other girls had gone to town on me back at the mansion. At the same time. Then I thought about Jane.

It’d been a few weeks since I’d seen the sexy brunette cultist, and I missed her dearly. We had scheduled one of our regular “in-person” meetings for this week, and the only thing standing between me and my sweet, blue-eyed beauty was this asshole.

That was gonna change real quick.

I opened my eyes, and my entire vision was red. My body was now completely surrounded by a burning red Hellfire of passion, and it was so intense that I could feel the stage melting beneath me. At the right moment when his armor was about to glitch out, I channeled my energy down into my hands, clapped them together, and released a gigantic beam of fire at Zepar.

“Now!” I commanded as the attack left my body and slipped past his missing armor.

A split second later, Sia cut off her spell, and the black flames around Zepar’s body disappeared. The demon’s armor stopped glitching, and it returned to its glowing, impenetrable form.

The only difference was that now, my searing-hot red Hellfire was in there with him.

I couldn’t see what was going on inside of the fucker’s armor, but Zepar’s howls of pain and the smoke that billowed out of his eye holes told me everything I needed to know.

The demon fell to his knees, and then his massive frame collapsed forward onto the floor. His glowing armor dimmed and then vanished, revealing the charred, crispy body of the dead demon.

“Bro. Bro. Bro.” Todd stumbled over and nudged the body with his foot. “Did we just fucking hotbox a demon to death?”

“Yes, we did, Todd,” I sighed with relief. “Yes, we did.”

I looked around at the mess that surrounded us.

There were at least twenty or thirty dead assassins littered across the floor of the strip club, their bodies in different states of manglement. Before us sat a smoldering demon, and the blackish blood from his thigh wound had been trailed all around the main area of the establishment. Then there was the general destruction of the furniture, stage, and interior of the club.

“This place is a mess.” Libidine shook her head as she looked around at the damages.

“But it’s our mess, right, Jakey?” Todd rubbed his eyes as the words slipped out.

“Our mess?” I asked the drunken imp.

“Well, yeah.” Todd smacked his lips. “We totally just killed the owner of this joint. That means it’s ours now, right? Finders keepers and all that.”

“We are going to need some way of keeping up our income…” Sia ran her hand through her red locks as she pondered the proposition. “Robert Quinn’s bank account is getting drained by the second thanks to our newfound culting endeavors. We still have plenty in there, but it would be wise to think of ways to create passive income.”

“What about the cultists?” Cupi huffed. “You’d think the Cult of Azazel would have some rich asshole in their midst who could fund all their crazy rituals.”

“They did,” I reminded the blonde succubus. “His name was Robert Quinn. We killed him and took all his money, remember?”

“Does that mean we’re the rich assholes now?” Todd muttered in disbelief.

“Maybe, Todd, maybe.” I patted the drunken imp on the head and then turned back to the succubi. “But seriously, this place needs a lot of TLC if you’re serious about taking it over.”

“TLC?” Libidine asked curiously.

“Tits, Lips, and Clits,” Todd belched.

“Oh!” Liby giggled. “We can make sure there’s plenty of those.”

“That’s not-- You know what, nevermind,” I laughed.

Sia was now holding her hands in front of her face and forming her fingers into a frame shape.

“We already know the Velvet Lips can be very profitable,” the redhead mused. “Under my management, I think we could at least double its earnings.”

I chuckled. “I like the sound of that.”

“We just gotta get rid of the bodies,” Todd suggested. “I’ve got a few concrete blocks in the back of Shadow. We can take ‘em down to the river and make ‘em sleep with the fishes.”

“Or, we could just burn the bodies,” I retorted. “We’ve got five of us here that can summon Hellfire hotter than any temperature known to man.”

“That could work, too,” Todd said with a burp.

“I’m seeing it now!” Sia half-joked. “We could do different themed nights, each with special dancers and menu items. That way, customers would have to come back multiple times a week to see all their favorite dancers. I’d love to see this drab ‘black and white’ color scheme go away, as well. I have so many ideas for this place!”

“First, we need to get it all cleaned up,” I noted. “And even once that is done, somebody needs to talk to the cops about the gunfire and get the dancers back. It’s gonna be a lot of work.”

Cupi put her hand tenderly against my chest.

“Don’t worry about it,” she purred. “The four of us can handle the nitty-gritty details. You’ve already done your part, and I know you’re anxious to get home so that you can see Jane.”

“I, uh--” I tried to think of an excuse, but she was one-hundred percent correct.

I was exhausted from the fight, and all I wanted to do was go back to the mansion, rip Jane’s clothes off, and ravish her.

“You heard Sister Cupiditas,” Sia agreed. “Go on home. We’ll handle all of this.”

“We’ll totally grab an Uber or a cab or something,” Todd added. “I’m totally not okay to drive right now, anyway.”

“Alright,” I conceded. “I trust you guys to handle things. Please be careful.”

“We will, Jacob,” Liby said with a reassuring nod. “Now go. I’d hate to have you miss your-- What did Todd call it? A ‘booty call’ with Jane? We don’t want to make you late for that.”

“It’s an ‘in-person’ cult meeting, thank you very much,” I explained. “It’s going to--”

“But you do intend to make love to her, right?” Cupiditas cut me off.

“Well, I, uh--” I stammered. “We’ll see where the conversation takes us.”

“That means he is,” Libidine tried to explain to Sia.

“Excellent!” The redhead giggled. “Jacob could use a release after what just happened here.”

“And while he’s banging our brown-haired friend,” Liby added, “We can be working on more important things, like reestablishing this strip club!”

“We’re not going to--”

“Is it okay if I go with the succubi while you’re knockin’ boots with the cult chick?” Todd asked.

“Well, somebody picked a fine time to sober up!” I laughed. “It’s not a booty call. Jane’s coming into Phoenix to talk to me about important cult business. She even mentioned on the phone yesterday that she has some big news that she’s been saving to tell me in person.”

“Probably got a tit job,” Todd whispered not-so-subtly to the succubi. “She just wants to wait until she can get ‘em all up in Jakey’s face.”

“I couldn’t imagine that’s it,” Sia said as she patted the imp on the head. “Her breasts are already quite splendid.”

“Speak for yourself, sister,” Libidine pouted. “I still think mine are bigger.”

“Maybe someday Jacob will let us compare them, side-by-side?” Cupiditas cooed.

“The three of us haven’t even been in bed together at the same time,” I deflected. “One thing at a time.”

“Oh, it’s going to happen.” Sia smirked. “Sooner rather than later, hopefully.”

“Now that’s something we can all agree on.” I winked.

Our flirting was suddenly interrupted by another bout of Todd’s projectile vomiting.

“Okay, now I think it’s all out.” The imp gagged and then wiped his mouth with the back of his wrist. “Good thing this place is already a fucking mess, because that’s the tequila stomach stew right there, bro. Nobody wants to touch that.”

“On that pleasant note, I think I’m gonna head out.” I plugged my nose and started to make my way to the exit.

I walked out through the door of the strip club and back to Shadow, our jet-black Jeep Wrangler. As soon as I was in the vehicle, I glanced over at the clock on the dashboard excitedly.

The strip club was about an hour away from the mansion, and I didn’t want to keep the brunette waiting. I turned the keys in the ignition, and Shadow roared to life. I kicked her into gear, and I was off, back to my new home.

My friends may have been teasing me about Jane’s visit, but it was all in good fun. Besides, they were right. We hadn’t seen each other in weeks, and I had a long list of things that I wanted to do to her when I saw her.

Hopefully, her list was twice as long.

Chapter 3

Jane’s enormous breasts bounced happily up and down as she rode my rock-hard cock.

As the brunette straddled me, I slowly ran my hands up her body, stopping to caress each and every curve as I did so. I must have been doing something right because the woman let out a series of moans that became more and more intense with every bounce.

“Hold on, now,” she said as her blue eyes stared intensely into my own. “I don’t want this to be over too quickly.”

“Don’t you dare,” I warned.

Jane pulled herself up so that I slid out of her, and my erect dick flopped down against my stomach. Then the brunette lowered herself back down so that the lips of her pussy were wrapped around the very bottom of my shaft. Slowly, she started to grind her hips back and forth. She was ridiculously wet, and I could feel myself edging closer and closer to the brink.

She leaned down and pressed her lips against mine, and the sweet taste of her kiss took me back to the first time we made love. Our tongues danced around for minutes, all while Jane slowed her pace so that we could continue to make it last.

I never wanted this to end.

“That’s enough teasing.” The brunette winked and then rolled over onto the other side of the bed. “It’s your turn again.”

I was going to make some sort of smart comment about how we’d been going at it for an hour already, but then Jane slid up onto her knees, arched her back, and stuck her tight ass up into the air.

The sight left me speechless.

Without uttering a single word, I pulled myself onto my knees, got behind the curvy brunette, and guided my massive erection back into her pussy. I made sure that I did it slowly. That way, she could feel every single inch as it made its way deep inside of her.

Jane gasped once her lips touched the base of my shaft, and she realized that now, and only now, was I all the way in.

For the next few minutes, I pounded her from behind. Her heart-shaped ass trembled with each thrust, and she tried in vain to stifle her moans as I continued to go to town.

Jane kept sounding like she was getting closer and closer to orgasm, but she was like a well-oiled machine this time around. No matter what I did, no matter how deep I went or what motions I made, she kept going.

Finally, the brunette started to mirror my movements, and as I would push myself into her, she would slowly ease herself backward to meet me halfway. Then, she reached back between her legs and began to stroke my balls.

This was it. I couldn’t take it anymore.

Jane must have sensed it because she lurched forward as I pulled out and then flipped around just as I exploded all over her perfect breasts.

“That was marvelous, Jacob,” the brunette cooed as she picked up some of my cum off her nipple with her finger and then licked it off.

“Oh, we’re not done yet.” My eyes narrowed at the woman, and her blue eyes shined bright at my words.

I slid my head down Jane’s body, spread apart her legs, and then started to run my tongue along her inner thigh.

The brunette gasped and then groaned as I pressed my tongue against the lips of her pussy.

I teased her for a moment, and then I finally made my way up to her clit. It took me a minute to figure out what motion was going to work best, but two hands tightly gripping at my head suddenly told me I’d found a winner. I kept going, and Jane’s moans got louder and louder.

Finally, I felt the brunette’s entire body quiver, and her hands threatened to rip all the hair out of my scalp. Jane let out an intense groan of pleasure as she tensed up, climaxed, and then fell back onto the bed.

I lifted my head up, and then I slowly climbed into the empty spot beside Jane.

“Is that what you normally do?” The brunette panted and rubbed her forehead.

I just shrugged. “It’s different with every woman. That was probably one of the most intense ones I’ve ever seen, for sure.”

“How the fuck did you do that?” she begged. “Like, seriously?”

“With my tongue?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she moaned. “Your cock is so big, so I just didn’t expect your tongue to be so good.”

“I dunno,” I admitted. “My ex hated the thought of me going anywhere near her vagina, so I kinda fell out of practice there for a while.”

“Until the succubi came around?” Jane asked as she snuggled up close to me.

“Actually, no.” I chuckled. “None of them have gotten to experience that yet.”

“Really?” Jane was now giddy. “I got to try something with you before the others did?”

“It’ll be our little secret.” I wrapped my arm around the naked brunette. “Although I can’t promise that it’ll stay that way forever.”

“That’s fine,” she cooed. “I understand. You’re on your way to becoming a demon lord. You’ve got all of these hot demon women lusting after your body, and you have hundreds of mortal women who literally worship you and would give anything to spend a single night with Jacob Ralston. I’m just glad you chose me.”

“I don’t think I chose you,” I corrected. “If I recall, you’re the one who got us all drinks at that cult meeting… and then you tried to burn me alive with your Hellfire.”

“And then I fucked you,” she added.

“Of course,” I laughed, “that was the best part.”

“I dunno… I can go back and tell all of my cult friends that I survived a scuffle with our legendary master.” Jane ran her hand across my face. “That’s a story that will last for a millennium, long after I’m gone.”

“What do you mean?” I asked with a twinge of fear.

“Don’t be silly, Jacob.” The brunette chuckled. “I’m mortal. You are becoming a dark god, and your friends are demons. There will come a day when I pass on, and you will continue on without me. It’s kinda the way demon-worship works.”

“Unless we find a way to make you immortal,” I suggested.

“I would like that,” she said with a soft sigh. “Spending an eternity with her master would be all a cultist could ask for.”

“Remember what I told you about the whole ‘master’ thing.” I wagged my finger at the woman. “It’s kinda creepy.”

“Sure thing, Jacob.” Jane laughed and then leaned her head back against my chest.

A stared up at the ceiling as I ran my hands through Jane’s long, brown hair. The next thing I knew, I was drifting off to sleep.

When I finally awoke, I looked over at the clock and realized it was nearly two in the afternoon. Jane and I had gone at it for nearly two hours, and then we must have fallen asleep for another three.

I was exhausted, but I shouldn’t have been surprised. Last night was draining, and the brunette woman had ridden me raw.

The bed was empty when I started to stir, and I could no longer feel Jane’s soft, warm skin against my body. I sat up, stretched, and then climbed out of bed and walked toward my gigantic closet.

This entire mansion used to belong to Robert Quinn, the millionaire tech mobile who dressed like a cowboy but was really a centuries-old demon in disguise. After we killed the fucker, we took it all for ourselves.

Of course, squatter’s rights didn’t have much legality in Arizona, so Sia and Todd had to go out and fudge some paperwork. With the imp’s voice-mimicking abilities and the redhead’s business acumen, we officially became the owners of the Quinn Mansion in no time.

As I entered the walk-in closet, I was greeted with all the fashionable clothes I’d purchased using the dead demon’s credit cards. Shiny gray blazers, vibrant dress shirts, slick ties, and shiny shoes lined the entire wardrobe.

Of course, I hadn’t sprung entirely for the finer things. There were a couple pieces of more casual attire like sweatpants, athletic shorts, and t-shirts, but those were hidden away in the closet’s built-in drawers.

I wrapped my hand around the sleek, faux-crystal knobs, and then I opened the sleek black wood of the drawer. I rummaged around for a minute or two until I found what I was looking for, a pair of slim-fit jeans and a nicer-looking white and black shirt.

I quickly slipped on my boxers, and then I tossed on the rest of my outfit in a flash. Even though I’d already seen this combo a million times before, I couldn’t help but admire the casual-yet-stylish look in the mirror.

Once I was completely dressed, I made my way out of the bedroom, down the pristine white staircase onto the first floor, and then into the main living area.

Everyone was there, and I mean everyone.

Todd was relaxing on the couch, smoking a blunt as he watched some sort of conspiracy theory show on the TV. Beside him sat Cupi and Liby, who both looked just as engrossed in the program as he was.

Behind the original trio stood Oliver and a few other cultists, all of whom were standing there in their navy robes with their arms crossed. The looks on their faces told me that they were not as amused by the bullshit that was spewing out of the television.

Jane and Sia both sat at the breakfast bar and giggled as they spoke to each other in hushed voices. Given what the brunette and I had just done, I could only guess what they were talking about.

“It looks like Jacob is finally awake!” Sia smiled as I entered the room, and then she turned back to the brunette. “He was out for hours. You must have been extremely satisfying for him.”

Jane just gave a playful shrug. “I did my best.”

“We were just--”

“Oh, don’t worry, Jacob.” The brunette chuckled. “I already told them everything.”

“Everything?” I asked as my heart sank into my stomach.

“Every. Fucking. Thing.” Todd shuddered. “When am I gonna get powers that make me close off my eardrums? That’s something that would be really handy whenever I’m around you and your horny demon chicks.”

“You… told them everything?” I felt the color rush to my face.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Jane chuckled. “We’re a family. We fight together, break bread together, sleep to--”

“I’m gonna stop you there,” I blurted.

“Jacob, Jacob, Jacob,” Oliver started as he walked over, “there is nothing to be ashamed of. The cultists formerly known as the Cult of Azazel feel that transparency is integral to our mission.”

“Except for the whole, ‘secret blood cult performing rituals out in the middle of the forest at midnight’ thing, right?” I laughed.

“Well, yes, except that.” The white-haired man nodded. “The fact of the matter is, the more connections you make--”

“AKA, the more magical demon chicks you bang,” Todd explained.

“Thank you, Todd.” Oliver sighed and then continued, “The more connections you make, the stronger you’re going to become. And when you grow stronger, so do all of your followers.”

“Speaking of which,” I tried to change the subject away from Jane and I knocking boots, “what are we up to now, numbers-wise?”

“Four-hundred and sixty-three!” Sia interjected.

“I’m not a mathematician, but that sounds about right,” Oliver agreed. “Word of your second victory over Azazel has spread quickly, and almost every single sect of his cult has now sworn allegiance to you.”

“What about the demons in the cult?” I asked as I sauntered over and grabbed an apple from the fruit basket. “They probably weren’t too thrilled that a mortal was taking over.”

Jane chuckled. “That’s an understatement.”

“They were not pleased,” Oliver explained. “Most of them ran off and hid like the cowards they are, but some flew into a fit of rage and tried to kill their brethren.”

“And?” I asked just before I took a bite out of the juicy apple.

“They weren’t successful.” The white-haired man grinned. “You now have eight fewer members of the Seventy-Two Servants to worry about.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” I said as I walked over to Oliver and gave him a happy pat on the shoulder. “What about those other chores I sent you on?”

“You mean the demon slayings?” Jane asked nonchalantly. “We’ve taken out every single demon you’ve asked us to. In fact, it’s been almost too easy. I’m starting to get bored with the whole thing.”

“Of course it’s easy,” I explained. “I’m not going to send a bunch of mortals in robes after the high-level Servants, whether they have magic or not.”

“Yeah,” Todd agreed. “Leave that to the sexy badasses with horns.”

“On the topic of sexy women,” I continued, “how did everything go with the strip club?”

“Great!” Libidine bounced up and down excitedly. “I was able to sweet talk the cops out of investigating, with a little help from my mind-control powers, of course.”

“I found the deed to the place in one of Zepar’s office safes,” Sia explained. “Congratulations, Jacob, you are now the proud owner of the Velvet Lips.”

“Good to hear,” I chuckled at the succubi’s words. “What about the strippers and the bodies?”

“Those were a bitch to get rid of,” Todd mused.

“The bodies, or the strippers?” I asked, even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer.

“The bodies, bro,” the imp scoffed. “I had to drag ‘em all into a massive pile in the middle of the room, and then I burnt ‘em to a crisp with my Hellfire. Then I lit one of my joints with the fire from their bodies. It was pretty fucking badass.”

“He kept hopping around shooting fireballs and screaming ‘burn, baby, burn,’” Cupi added.

Todd just shrugged. “You woulda had to have been there.”

“As for the strippers, most of them hadn’t gone far,” the fit blonde continued. “I was able to catch up with them and told them they were needed for ‘police questioning.’ Of course, what I really meant was that I needed them so that Liby could erase this memory from their minds.”

“And?” I asked excitedly.

“You have an entire team of dancers for your club who have no knowledge of the events.” Cupi grinned. “Even better, they all believe that Zepar sold the club to you after it was damaged in a massive fire. They’ve agreed to come back to work as soon as the repairs are done.”

“How long will that take?” I questioned.

“If my calculations are correct,” Sia chimed in, “about a week or so.”

“Excellent!” I clapped my hands together with joy. “You four have really outdone yourselves this time.”

“It sounds like you had a blast!” Jane interjected. “You’re going to have to promise that you’ll take me on one of your adventures someday, okay? I’d love to meet someone like Beelzebub or Naamah or Bughuul.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” Cupi said from the couch. “All three of those guys are assholes. Trust me on this one.”

“Bughuul is that creepy motherfucker who steals children and teenagers away from their parents,” Todd explained. “Unless you wanna end up on a watch list, I wouldn’t suggest hanging out with him. I bet he’s one of those guys who looks like he hasn’t showered in months and drives around in a beat-up van with ‘Free Candy’ scrawled on the side.”

“Not exactly--” Cupi started, but Todd had more to say.

“He’d be easy to find, though.” The imp scratched his chin. “All we’d have to do is put up some posters written in chicken scratch claiming that we’re missing a dog.”

“I don’t think it works like--”

“Or we could just toss a backpack and schoolgirl outfit on Strawberry Shortcake over there and have her walk up and down the street for a while,” Todd continued. “That would be sure to draw him out!”

“Anything I could do to help.” Sia said way too seriously.

“I think what Cupi is trying to say is that you’ve got your facts wrong,” Libidine said timidly.

“What?” Todd sounded shocked. “That’s impossible. All the Toddster’s research is backed up by peer-reviewed work.”

“Todd,” I laughed and put a hand over my face, “a documentary on the Paranormal Channel is not a ‘peer-reviewed work.’”

“Lots of people review it before it goes out.” He shrugged. “That’s good enough for me.”

“Obviously they don’t.” Cupiditas clicked her tongue. “Listen to this guy! He thinks that demons only have magical powers because they used to be angels. Nothing about drawing their power from Lucifer or the different colors of Hellfire at all.”

I looked over at the TV to see what the blonde was going on about.

On the screen was the type of guy you’d expect to see interviewed on a paranormal conspiracy show. He wore a tan tweed sports coat over an unkempt white dress shirt with a bright red bowtie. His black hair was long and wild, and it almost reminded me of a mad scientist’s.

“Now you see,” his nasally voice explained, “demons can be categorized into many forms. You have your shapeshifters, spellcasters, tricksters, brawlers, and sexual deviants.”

“He’s sooooo wrong,” Cupi huffed.

The voice of the narrator now took over, and the image on the screen turned to one that we were all too familiar with.

It was Las Vegas.

“John Zeitmann was just a simple room service attendant,” the booming narrator tried to hype up his next guest, “until the fateful day he met not one, not two, but four demons.”

“So there I was, doing my job like normal...” The man appeared on the screen, and I recognized him instantly.

It was the room service employee from the Excalibur.

“Whoever this demon was, he was loaded,” John explained. “He ordered our most expensive bottle of champagne, and then when he was done with that one, he ordered our second most expensive bottle. That’s where the plot thickens.”

“Why does this sound so familiar?” Libidine asked curiously.

“Because it’s our story.” I frowned.

“When I go back to deliver the second bottle, the door of the suite has been blown off its hinges, and there’s this huge bull-like creature standing in the room,” the interview continued. “Which was now on fire, by the way. The creature and the man who bought the bottle were both tossing flames at each other. I dropped the champagne and booked it out of there as quickly as I could.”

“Zeitmann also believes that there were at least three more demons in the suite,” the narrator said in his monotone voice. “He claims to have seen them the first time he provided service to the guest.”

“So, the first time I go up there, I’m talking to the guy.” The screen now showed the room service employee again. “He was really nice, gave me a big tip and everything, but then, behind him, I see this little red creature with horns go flying through the air, and then two beautiful women running after him. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but now I’m one-hundred percent sure that was another demon of some sort.”

The documentary then cut to a picture of the Excalibur as it burned.

“Zeitmann claims that the firefight between the two demons is what ultimately destroyed the top floor of the casino resort,” the deep voice returned. “Further adding to these claims of demonic intervention is a video that surfaced not long after the incident.”

“What?” I gulped. “I made sure we were out of that building in seconds!”

But there it was, on the TV. It was a grainy video, taken from a few blocks away from the Excalibur as it burned. The cameraman was focused in on the roaring flames as they billowed out of the top floor. But there, at the very bottom corner of the frame, a human-shaped figure passed by in a blur.

The documentary rewound the footage, paused it, and then a red circle appeared over the figure.

“Could this be the demon that Zeitmann was talking about?” the narrator asked rhetorically. “We may never know the truth…”

“Holy shit, we’re famous!” Todd jumped up and down on the couch excitedly.

“I’m just glad that the footage was so grainy.” I sighed. “It looks about as credible as all the other paranormal videos out there.”

“So, one-hundred percent legit?” Todd chuckled.

“This John Zeitmann fellow seems to be causing problems,” Oliver said with a frown. “Shall we dispose of him for you, Jacob?”

“What?” I shook my head. “No! You have got to stop asking if you can kill people for us. Violence isn’t the solution for everything.”

“Except for when it comes to slaying demons,” Libidine spoke up.

“Well, yeah--”

“Or when there are some motherfuckers trying to kill you with enchanted bullets,” Todd added.

“Of course--”

“Or if somebody is threatening to hurt one of your succubi.” Sia nodded.

“Okay fine!” I conceded. “Sometimes violence is the answer… but not in this case. This guy’s totally innocent. Besides, nobody is going to believe him anyway unless they’re a total nutjob.”

“I dunno, bro…” Todd mused. “That footage was pretty convincing. Oh! I think Nessie Hunt is on next!”

“Point taken.” Cupiditas snickered.

“Do we have to watch that show?” Sia begged. “I’ve been in Earth Realm for weeks now, and I still haven’t had a chance to sit down and catch up on current affairs.”

“You want to watch the news?” Todd asked in shock. “Bleh.”

“I’m with Sia,” I retorted. “Honestly, now that we’re all caught up in the battle between Heaven and Hell, watching these show just feels like reliving a bad dream. The mortal news might actually give us a break.”

“Jakey’s gone all lame-o, too?” The imp snickered. “Double bleh.”

I picked up the remote and switched the channel over to one of those twenty-four-hour news stations.

Currently, the station was showing live coverage of a political rally here in Phoenix. A younger man with sleek, parted black hair stood at the podium in a charcoal suit as he made promises to the people of Arizona.

“Politics?” Todd gagged. “Triple bleh.”

“As your new Representative from Arizona, I’m going to ensure that Proposition Sixty-Six passes through Congress and gives the land back to you, the people.” The man’s voice was somewhat effeminate, but elegant and commanding. “For too long have the greedy business owners of America sat on empty property, land that could be used for the public good. Land that could be a new park or a new community center for locals to enjoy. Places where hard-working Americans could go to spend time with their families after a long forty-hour week. I promise you, Phoenix, that I’m going to make Proposition Sixty-Six a reality. Not because I want to or not because lobbyists want me to, but because you, the American people, deserve it. Thank you.”

The entire crowd erupted into cheers as the man waved and then made his way off the stage.

“Sounds like typical political bullshit to me.” Todd shrugged and took another puff of his joint. “You wanna know the real reason this shit is illegal?”

“Please enlighten me, Todd,” I chuckled.

“It’s because--”

“I know that guy!” Libidine exclaimed and then rushed out of the room.

Todd and I looked at each other in confusion.

A second later, the curvy succubus ran back into the room in a huff. In her hand was the ancient Vatican text we had swiped from the Chapel of the Trinity, the book that gave us the names of the demons hiding here on Earth. Liby threw open the volume to the list of names and slapped her finger down onto the page.

“Marvin Franklin,” she hissed. “Confirmed demon.”

“That dude looks like he’s only in his thirties, tops,” I questioned. “How has nobody noticed that he hasn’t aged since the eighties?”

“Perhaps he wasn’t in the public sphere back then?” Sia suggested.

“That could easily be it,” Oliver added. “I’ve been on this earth for centuries, yet I’m not familiar with Franklin whatsoever.”

“What about Forneus?” Libidine asked. “Does that name ring a bell?”

“Oh, oh!” Todd raised his hand and jumped up and down. “I know this one! He’s the demon that’s all great at making speeches and getting people to like him.”

“That would make him the perfect politician,” I agreed “but why is he coming out of the woodwork now?”

“Probably something to do with that Proposition Sixty-Six,” Cupiditas explained. “He mentioned that it did something with land, but I have no clue what that has to do with anything.”

“It looks like it’s some sort of legislation,” Jane said as she tapped away at her cell phone. “But I can’t make heads or tails of it. Too much political and legal jargon.”

Sia perked up at the brunette’s words. “Did someone say legal jargon?” she grinned. “Would you like me to take a peek at the legislation? I’m sure it’s available online somewhere.”

“If you’re really that brave,” I chuckled.

“It would be my pleasure.” Sia’s smile was now ear to ear.

“In the meantime,” I turned to the rest of my friends. “We need to get up close and personal with Representative Franklin.”

“What are you suggesting, Jacob?” Oliver asked coyly.

“I’m glad you asked.” I smirked. “Forneus is here in Phoenix right now, and Robert Quinn’s only been dead for a month or so.”

“I think I see where you’re going with this,” Todd chuckled. “You want me to lure him over here so that we can kick his ass?”

“Not quite, but you’re on the right track,” I reassured the imp. “I’m thinking we should have ‘Robert Quinn’ throw him a fancy fundraiser here at his mansion.”

“Does that mean we get to dress up in fancy clothes?” Libidine couldn’t contain her excitement.

“And eat fancy food?” Cupi added.

“Yes and yes.” I smiled at both the succubi.

“Do I get to drop that fancy chandelier on his head?” Todd asked excitedly. “I could go all invisible and shit. He would never see it coming!”

“Negative,” I frowned. “We just need to get him here so that we can figure out his plan, not kill him.”

“Awwww.” Todd hung his head and moped.

“Don’t worry,” Sia said as she patted the imp on his head. “That part will come in due time.”

“Jane, Oliver,” I addressed the cultists, “Go round up everyone we have within a twenty-mile radius.”

“Right away, Jacob.” Oliver bowed and then turned to walk toward the exit.

“What should we tell them all, ‘master?’” Jane asked with a knowing wink.

“Haha.” I rolled my eyes at the brunette. “Tell them that we need caterers. And possibly back up.”

“Caterers?” she asked, unconvinced.

I nodded. “We’ve got a party to set up.”

Chapter 4

“Come on, bro,” Todd begged as we walked out into the backyard. “I’ve always wanted to ride on a chandelier. We can kill two birds with one stone!”

“Oh sure,” I said with a laugh. “Let’s invite a prominent and controversial politician into our home, in front of hundreds of people, and then the chandelier will just happen to fall on him right as he’s leaving. There totally wouldn’t be an FBI investigation into us or anything.”

“Not if the Toddster makes it look like an accident,” he suggested.

“Accident or not, they’d still want to investigate for the sake of transparency,” I explained. “Do you really want the feds following us around for the next few weeks?”

“Small price to pay for something so awesome.” Todd shrugged.

“They’d also be sitting the succubi and me down for questioning.

“Big whoop!” The imp shook his head. “We lie all the time.”

“They’d probably go through all our stuff too,” I fibbed. “Take away anything we owned that’s not exactly legal.”

“Say no more,” Todd said, and then he made a zipping motion with his lips. “That reminds me, bro. Don’t let anyone go into the second bedroom upstairs.”

“Why no--”

Before I could finish my question, Todd jumped up, put his hands on my cheeks, pressed his hooves against my chest, and then looked me directly in the eyes.

“Do. Not. Let. Anybody into that room, bro,” he warned. “They don’t need that kinda scarring in their life.”

“Alright,” I mumbled even though my cheeks were held in place. “Nobody goes in the second bedroom.”

“I’m glad we’re clear on that,” Todd said with a sigh of relief. “Now, watch how I stick this landing.”

Todd let go of my face and then used his tiny cloven feet to push himself back into the air. The imp tightened into a ball and made two or three backward rotations as he fell. Finally, he uncurled his body and landed like a gymnast on the soft grass.

“Ten out of ten?” he asked excitedly.

“Ten out of ten.” I chuckled and rolled my eyes. “Now, we have a pergola to set up.”

“Per-a-who?” Todd asked.

“Pergola,” I replied. “It’s a like… free standing awning you sit under with--”

“Like an E-Z Up?” Todd snorted.

“Well, yeah, but made of wood and--”

“So, a wooden E-Z Up?”

“But it has vines on the side that--”

“So, a fancy wooden E-Z Up?”

“But it’s called pergola, and it’s--”

“A fancy wooden E-Z Up,” Todd finished for me as he stroked his chin. “Man, rich people use all these fancy words. Sia told me the other day that the drinking fountain in the master bathroom was actually called a bidet. Can you believe it?”

“It’s actually not a drinking--”

“I mean, the water just tastes totally normal. I don’t know why they have to make it all French sounding.”

“That’s not…” I started to say, but then I realized that I didn’t want to be the one to tell him and just cleared my throat. “You gonna help me with the pergola or not?”

“Broooo,” Todd whined. “Why do you gotta make me do shit? You know the Toddster isn’t cut out for manual labor.”

I summoned a small green ember onto my finger and tapped my temple. “It’s not really manual labor if you’re moving things with your magic Hellfire powers.”

“But stillllll,” the imp whined, “why can’t we just have all the cultists set it up when they get here? I could be chilling with a bong and Bigfoot instead of working right now.”

We stepped off of the concrete path that led to the pool and out into the massive backyard of the mansion. A few feet away from the path sat a large pile of wooden beams made out of the finest lumber available.

Or at least, the finest lumber I could find online at such a short notice.

“If we work together, this will literally only take a few minutes.” I pointed to the pile and summoned my green flames. “Besides, the sooner this thing goes up, the sooner we can order food. I’m sure you’ve got the munchies like crazy.”

“Always do.” Todd snickered as a smile spread across his face and he patted his belly. “Ohhhh, can we get a mac and cheese pizza? I saw that pizza joint that’s, like, ten minutes away makes those now. Cheesy pasta smothered with more cheese and pizza sauce? It’s a stoner’s wet dream, bro.”

“Todd, if you help me put this thing together, I’ll buy you a whole mac and cheese pizza all for yourself,” I said with a smile.

“And some garlic breadsticks?” he implored.

“And some garlic bread sticks,” I nodded.

“What about some barbeque wings?” Todd wagged his finger. “You can’t get pizza without the wings.”

“Sure, you can,” I chuckled, “but I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“What about--” the imp started.

“Todd,” I cut the imp off, “I’ll buy you whatever you want. But the more we stand here chatting, the later our dinner’s gonna be.”

“Why aren’t the succubi helping?” Todd argued. “They got magical powers and shit too.”

“We’ve been over this.” I sighed. “Cupi and Sia took one of Quinn’s credit cards and went out to get some formal attire for all of us. We can’t go to a huge political fundraiser in jeans and a T-shirt.”

“Rules were made to be broken,” the imp huffed. “I’m gonna be there in the buff.”

“That’s because you’ll be invisible,” I corrected my friend. “You’re naked all the time, anyway. Thankfully for my retinas, there’s nothing to see.”

“Oh, it’s there,” Todd boasted, “and it’s fucking massive. It’s just all hidden up in--”

“I’m sorry I brought it up!” I shook my head and tried to ignore the imp talking about his dick.

“What about Lib?” Todd asked as he made his way toward the pile of beams.

“She insisted on doing the interior design for this whole endeavor,” I explained. “I dunno why. Say what you will about Robert Quinn, but he certainly had an elegant style.”

“Also a badass cowboy hat,” Todd added. “That was the most important thing of all. Now, how can we get this E-Z Up thing up so that we can go for some grub?”

I reached out with my two glowing emerald hands to engulf the eight uprights of the pergola, and then I slowly moved them into position.

The yard of our new mansion was gigantic, so I had to buy the biggest covering I could find. The end result was an equally large freestanding pergola that was a few thousand square feet all around, and, thankfully, didn’t have to be anchored into the ground.

“You have the most important job of all, Todd.” I smiled and nodded at the tops of the poles.

“I get to be a porn star?” he asked excitedly.

“What?” I laughed. “No. You’re going to climb up the poles and make sure the cross beams fit snugly in place.”

“So you’re saying I get to place these long, hard beams into tight holes?” he asked mischievously. “Close enough.”

Todd let out an impish giggle and then ran over to the first upright. Once he was at the base, he sprang up into the air and wrapped his arms and legs tightly around the wooden pole. Like a flash of red lightning, the imp ascended to the top of the upright using the tiny claws on his hands and feet. Once he finally reached the top, Todd raised his right foot into the air and stuck out his hands in a karate pose.

“If Miyagi could see me now!” He snickered. “Hit me, Jakey!”

I left one hand focused on the uprights and then I moved my other over to the cross beams. I lit the first beam up with a jade fire and lifted it into the air. Carefully, I moved the wooden pole over to its resting place. One end sat on the beam where Todd stood, and the other rested on the middle upright.

As the cross beam approached, the imp jumped up and grabbed it with both of his tiny hands. He gently guided the wooden beam into the slot on the top of the upright and then violently brought his fist down to knock it into place. Todd hopped onto the crossbeam with one foot in front of the other and raised his hands up into the air.

“This is Todd Masterson’s first attempt at the quadruple front-flip, a move that could very easily net him the gold.” The imp’s voice and expressions went stern as he imitated an announcer. “Will he pull it off?”

Todd let out a grunt and somersaulted forward on the wooden beam, using his hands and feet to keep his momentum going at each half-rotation. He tossed himself up into the sky for a moment and then landed on the end of the pole which creaked as it locked into place.

“And Masterson takes home the gold!” Todd exclaimed. “Ahhhhhhh. Ahhhhh.”

“Bravo, Todd.” I laughed. “Bravo.”

I spent the next few minutes raising up the other cross beams with my green fire, and then Todd would run over and knock them into place. There were only fifteen in total, so it wasn’t long until we were on the last beam.

As it approached Todd’s position atop the upright, I realized that it was just a foot or two short of where it needed to be.

“No worries, bro.” Todd assured me.

Before I could pull the upright closer with my magic, Todd’s right arm turned flesh colored and grew outward. The human-like appendage allowed the imp to close the gap on the beam and pull it into position.

I let out a gasp and nearly dropped the entire structure.

“Oh, this thing?” Todd examined the human arm nonchalantly. “That’s been happening a lot lately. It makes it really awesome to jerk off. Feels like I’m with a stranger, you know? A hot stranger named Todd.”

“That’s… Is it some new power or something?” My voice cracked in shock.

I seriously had no idea what the fuck was going on.

“Maybe.” The imp pounded the beam into place and then shrugged. “I can imitate human voices. Maybe once you’ve banged a few more succubi and are a bit stronger, I can imitate a whole human?”

“Imps are supposed to be tricksters by nature, so that makes sense.” I depowered my hands and released the pergola from my spell.

“Wow, bro.” Todd clicked his tongue. “All these years of friendship, and I never would have pegged you as someone who’d believe offensive stereotypes.”

“I’m not--” I protested.

“I’m just fucking with you, bro.” Todd snickered.

The imp tossed his body down around the beam and slid down the pole like a firefighter.

“Yeeeoww!” he exclaimed when he finally landed on the ground. “It’s gonna be a bitch to get splinters out of there. You think Strawberry Shortcake can fix me up?”

“Sia can fix anyone,” I reminded him. “Hopefully she can turn your hand back into a normal imp one while she’s at it. That just looks unsettling as fuck.”

“I agree.” Todd chuckled and then flexed. “It might be great for stroking the sausage, but it takes a lot away from my sweet imp bod. That’s no bueno.”

I placed my hands on my hips and admired our work. It was a simple addition to the mansion’s backyard, but it made all the difference. The guys from the rental place were gonna show up with the dance floor at any minute, and then Liby was going to put some finishing touches on the structure once they were done.

It was now a yard fit for a king. Or a sleazy politician’s fundraiser. Either way, it was gonna be great.

As Todd and I made our way back toward the sliding glass door of the mansion, I noticed that the imp was having trouble walking with the massive arm jutting out of his body.

“Are you sure you can’t just turn it off?” I asked and stifled a laugh.

Todd slapped his forehead sarcastically with his human hand. “Oh, gee, Jakey, why didn’t I ever think of that?”

“That’s how my powers work.” I shrugged. “Transformational powers are a new one for me, though. What were you feeling when you were reaching for the beam?”

“Going all Dr. Phil on me, I see.” Todd chuckled and then stroked his tiny chin with his human hand. “Let’s see… I was thinking about how I wanted to impress my best friend, and how that wasn’t going to happen if I couldn’t reach the pole.”

“What other times has this happened?” I asked as I slid open the big glass door, and we entered the mansion.

“Well, a couple times when I was slapping the salami up in the second bedroom and thought I heard somebody walking to the door… Once when I thought I lost the TV remote… That one time I was worried about if the two-week-old pizza I was eating was safe. Spoiler alert, it wasn’t.”

“So uneasiness?” I pondered. “Anxiety? Uncertainty?”

“Concern,” Libidine’s voice answered from the other room. “Is Todd finally growing to his loyalty powers?”

“Loyalty what now?” Todd scratched his head in confusion.

We walked into the area near the staircase, and my eyes lit up in awe.

Libidine was fluttering up near the ceiling, polishing off the crown molding that lined the ceiling of the entryway.

She had completely redone the room, and it looked incredible. The succubus had replaced the small black table that normally housed the Robert E. Lee bust with an all-white marble piece. On top sat a beautiful lantern with a glowing white candle inside. All across the ceiling now hung retro Edison-era lightbulbs that gave the normally cold room a warm glow. At our feet was a massive black and white rug that took up almost the entirety of the space between the two staircases.

When Liby saw we had entered the room, she fluttered back down to meet us.

“Loyalty powers.” The curvy woman giggled. “Imps are known for their loyalty, like dogs. No offense, Todd.”

“You too, Lib?” He sighed. “What is this, pick on the imp day? I might need some lube if you guys are gonna keep coming at me this raw.”

“I mean no ill-will,” Liby apologized, “but it’s true. Imps are loyal to their masters, and they have magic that arises from those emotions. Normally, it involves shape-shifting, like Todd here is finding out.”

“But how the fuck do I make it stop?” the imp begged and motioned to his arm. “I know some people who skip leg day, but this is ridiculous!”

“Just calm yourself.” Libidine patted Todd on the head. “Meditate. Clear your mind, and it’ll go away.”

Todd grinned mischievously at the succubus’ words.

“You mean like Kenjataimu?” he asked.

“I can already promise you don’t want to ask what that is,” I warned the dark-haired woman.

“I’ve never heard of this ‘Kenjataimu,’” the succubus said with a frown. “Is it a form of meditation?”

“You really don’t--” I started.

“Something like that.” Todd laughed. “It’s that moment post-wad-toss where your mind is totally clear of all emotions and your thoughts are crystal clear.”

“I’m not following.” Libidine frowned.

“Ya know,” Todd nudged the succubus’ leg, “‘When in doubt, whack one out?’”

Liby thought about the imp’s words for a moment, and then her face contorted into a look of disgust.

“Is that a real thing?” She asked in shock.

“I wouldn’t know,” I lied coyly.

“Thanks for the advice, Lib!” Todd exclaimed and then hugged the succubus’ leg. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some business to attend to. I guess I’ll just have to use my left hand, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

The imp turned and bolted up the large white staircase. A second later, we heard a door slam, and I was overcome with an intense desire to change the subject.

“This all looks beautiful, Liby.” I smiled as I admired her work. “You’ve got a lot of fashion sense for a demon woman from Hell.”

“Flauros-- Er, ‘Robert Quinn’ was a bachelor,” the dark-haired woman mused. “This place needed a woman’s touch if it was going to be acceptable for hosting.”

“You can do it, Toddster!” I heard the imp’s voice yell out from upstairs. “Leftie is your new bestie!”

“Uh, let’s go into the living room.” I put my hand on Libidine’s back and started to lead us out of the entry room. “I need to order the pizza anyway, and I’m going to totally lose my appetite if we stay here too much longer.”

“Pizza?” Liby asked with a raised eyebrow. “For a high-class political event?”

“No, no.” I laughed. “The pizza’s for us. We’re going to have hors d’oeuvres at the fundraiser, but I figured I’d leave that to the caterers we hired.”

I walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed the Pizza Club menu that we had used time and time again. By this point, I was surprised they didn’t know our number by heart.

I dialed the number into my cell phone and then waited for an answer. Once I heard the voice on the other line, I ordered us a feast. We were gonna get four large pizzas, two orders of cheesy garlic bread sticks, a couple of two-liters, and a bunch of chicken wings.

The party was going to start in a few hours, and we needed to eat something before then. Sure, there was going to be some food there, but that fancy shit almost never filled me up. The situation called for a warm, cheesy, greasy pizza.

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a knock at the door.

“I’ll get it!” Libidine smiled and then bolted out of the room.

As I watched her go, I realized how much I loved Liby. She was always so carefree and positive all the time, and she always did whatever she could to make her friends happy. You could never get the curvy succubus down, and if you did, she sprang right back up ten times more enthusiastic.

Libidine was my first succubus. She was the one who Lilith had sent when I asked for someone to fulfill all my deepest desires. She was the one who suggested that Cupiditas and her stay here with me on Earth. Most importantly, she believed in our mission, and she believed in me.

Of course, the dark-haired woman was also sexy as hell.

Liby walked back into the room, followed by a pair of guys in red uniforms with tool belts on their waist.

“Our dance floor is here,” the succubus cooed. “These fine gentlemen would like to know where to install it.”

“You’re in luck, guys,” I motioned for them to come over by me, and then I pointed outside at the pergola. “My friend and I just got done setting up that beautiful piece of architecture out there. The floor can go underneath, and there’s a gate out back so you can pull your truck around and unload easier.”

“Alright, you heard the man,” one of the uniformed men ordered. “Underneath the pagoda-thingy. You go pull around the truck, and I’ll go meet ya out there.”

One of the men turned and walked back toward the main entrance of the mansion, and the other pulled open the sliding glass door and stepped outside.

“Excellent.” I chuckled. “That just leaves the caterers and then we’ll all be good to go.”

“And the beautiful outfits my sisters are bringing us,” Libidine reminded me coyly.

“Ah yes,” I said with a chuckle. “I’m surprised Sia went along with Cupi. She’s never exactly been over the moon about wearing human clothing. Or shopping. Or giving up management duties.”

“I think she mainly went because she was afraid of how much money Cupi was going to spend.” The curvy succubus giggled. “Pride must keep greed in check, after all.”

Liby’s thoughts were interrupted by another knock at the door, and I quickly rushed over to answer. When I opened the large wooden door, I was greeted with the sight of Sia and Cupi, arms full of boxes and bags from the local clothing store.

“We brought goodies!” Cupiditas smiled. “Now we’re gonna look like royalty, all on the dime of Robert Quinn.”

“I still can’t believe nobody has questioned all the insane amounts we’ve been putting on his cards for the last few weeks.” I shook my head and stepped aside so the succubi could enter.

“That’s the beauty of being wealthy, Jacob.” Sia clicked her tongue. “Unlimited credit card lines that the companies know you’ll be good for.”

“A million dollars in his bank account doesn’t hurt, either,” Cupi added. “Sia’s been making the minimum payments so that nobody gets suspicious.”

“Now, close your eyes, Jacob,” Sia giggled. “I’ve got a surprise just for you.”

“Oh no,” Todd groaned from the top of the stairs, and I realized he’d been about to rejoin us even though his arm was still human-shaped. “Is it one of those ‘surprises’ that requires me to leave the room?”

I shut my eyes and held my open palms out in front of me.

Not a second later, the succubus dropped a heavy item into my hands. It was about the size of a regular sheet of printer paper, but it felt like it was wrapped up in a mailing envelope.

I opened my eyes and began to inspect the parcel.

“What is this, Sia?” I asked as I reached in and pulled out a massive document.

This thing must have been at least a couple hundred pages long because it was heavier than any of the huge textbooks I had to carry around in college. I held the document in front of my face and squinted to read the title.

Proposition Sixty-Six.

“This is proposition Sixty-Six?” I asked as my jaw nearly hit the floor.

“We stopped by the Fedex Store down the street and had them print the whole thing off,” Sia explained. “It’s actually a pretty light read compared to most government documents.”

“Uh-- Would it be possible for you to give us an executive summary?” I chuckled. “There’s no way in Hell I’m going to be able to understand all of this.”

“Oh, it’s simple, actually,” Sia mused. “It’s mostly about the parameters of governmental spending and the jurisdiction of the Congress in regard to works deemed for the public good.”

“English please,” Todd said, dumbfounded.

“All of that stuff is inconsequential,” Sia continued. “What stuck out to me was one of the pork barrels put forth by Franklin and a few of the Representatives from Virginia.”

“Parlez-vous English?” Todd reiterated.

“It’s a law that people slap onto a larger law at the last minute so that nobody notices,” I explained. “That way, their pet project gets passed without anyone noticing.”

“Finally,” Todd scoffed. “Somebody who speaks my language. That sounds shady as fuck.”

“That’s government for you.” I shrugged.

“Anyway,” the madame continued, “Franklin partnered with a couple of other Representatives to put a pork barrel law into the Proposition that would make it easier for the government to call Eminent Domain on private property in the state of Virginia.”

“That’s where the government seizes private land so that they can use it for public works,” I translated for the imp. “Stuff like highways, National Parks, and the like.”

“Surely that’s what this is all about,” Cupi chimed in. “There’s land out there that Franklin wants for his own purposes. But why Virginia?”

“That’s why it’s important to try to get as much info out of him as we can,” I nodded at the boxes of dresses in the succubus’ arms.

“Not to be the immature one, but I’m getting tired of political talk,” Libidine sighed. “Can we go try our dresses on?”

“Well, it looks like you’ve got just about everything done with the interior,” I said as I admired the dark-haired woman’s work. “All that’s left is the food and the finishing touches on the dance floor, but we’ve got other people to do that. You girls have earned a little relaxation.”

“Yay!” Liby smiled and then took off up the stairs.

The other two succubi weren’t far behind.

“Just be careful not to go in that second bedroom,” I called out with a shudder.

Twenty minutes later, I was tempted to go up and see how the girls were doing. My heart raced as I began to picture all the sexy fun they were probably having while I was away. They were probably helping each other get in and out of beautiful dresses and exploring each other’s bodies delicately as they did so. The three succubi could have been engaged in a playful pillow fight or a sensual game of truth or dare for all I knew.

With these girls, anything was on the table.

Just as I was on the verge of rushing up the stairs, tearing off my clothes, and joining the beautiful women in the bedroom, I heard an upstairs door slam shut.

Todd sauntered out to the top of the staircase, and the little imp looked like he was about to topple over from exhaustion. He reached up and steadied himself on the handrail with his right arm that had now returned to its impish form. Todd let out a small “ow” with every step he took as he descended the pristine marble staircase. When he finally got to the bottom, he plopped his rear end down on the first step.

“Bro…” he panted. “I just Kenjataimu-ed all over that room. You didn’t happen to hire any professional cleaners, did you?”

I shook my head and laughed as I walked back over and sat down beside my friend. “I’ll just make sure nobody goes into that room.”

“Oh, Jacob…” Cupi’s voice cooed.

I stood up, turned around, and then nearly fell over onto the floor when I saw the succubi.

Liby, Cupi, and Sia stood at the top of the staircase. The succubi were dressed to the nines in the most gorgeous outfits I had ever seen, each one hand-picked by the redhead and the blonde to match their personalities.

Sia wore a flashy crimson dress with a plunging neckline that came all the way down past her tiny breasts and stopped just above her navel. The shimmering fabric of the garment glistened like a disco ball with each small move the succubus made. Her normally long, red hair was tied back in a wide ponytail behind her head, and the madame was wearing a dark purple lipstick that made her large violet eyes pop.

Cupiditas was in a black mermaid-style dress that wrapped around her entire torso and crimped together at her tiny waist to show off her tight ass. The bustle of her dress hung down around her feet, and the entire garment was held up with a small wrap of fabric that came up around her chest and tied back behind her neck. Finishing off the fit blonde’s outfit was a pair of crystal earrings that dangled from her tiny lobes and a choker made of pearls.

Last, but certainly not least, was Libidine. The curvy succubus wasn’t afraid to show off her long, black hair in all its glory. The straightened, raven-colored locks were parted at Liby’s forehead and cascaded down her back. The succubus was wearing a golden dress that completely covered her torso and long legs. However, the garment had no sides, and Liby’s massive breasts threatened to pop out at any moment with one wrong move.

“Good morning, Angels.” Todd whistled.

I heard another knock on the door as the women descended the staircase, but I completely ignored it. My attention was on the three gorgeous creatures in front of me, and nothing else.

“You can pick your jaw up off the floor now, Jacob.” Cupi smirked as she approached and casually tapped my chin.

“Yeah, bro, I think our grub is finally here,” Todd implored. “I’d go get it, but well, I’m all impish again. Plus my hands are probably still covered in--”

“I get it.” I threw up my hand to cut off his words.

I walked over to the door, opened it, and saw a teenager with a pizza carrier in his hand.

“Order for Mr. Quinn?” the boy’s voice cracked as he looked at the receipt.

“That’d be us.” I smiled and then took the receipt and pen the boy had provided.

As I forged Robert Quinn’s signature, I noticed that the boy kept glancing up to look into the mansion behind me.

“Throwing a fancy party?” he awkwardly asked.

I nodded. “We’re doing a fundraiser for Marvin Franklin later tonight,” I explained, “but I can’t stand rich people food. Give me some good ol’ fashioned cheese and carbs, right?”

I tried to hand the receipt back to the teen, but he was now completely distracted by the succubi behind me. I stood there with the receipt and pen outstretched for a few seconds before I finally did a forced cough to regain his attention.

The kid looked like he had just come out of a trance as he opened the carrier and passed me a few warm boxes. His mouth was still hung open as I thanked him for the pizza and closed the door slowly.

“He was awfully quiet,” Cupi observed.

“It’s because he was marveling at our beauty, sisters.” Sia giggled and flipped her hair playfully. “We have that effect on many people, men and women alike.”

“You are absolutely correct, Sia. Now, let’s go eat.” I laughed and started to carry the warm pizza boxes into the kitchen. “The cultists and the caterers will be here any minute now, so we’d better get our fill before we run out of time.”

“I like the sound of that!” Todd said excitedly as he followed me.

“I don’t know about you, sisters, but whatever is in those boxes smells incredible,” Libidine said in an orgasmic tone.

The succubus was right. A cheesy, garlicky aroma was wafting out of the boxes as I set them down on the table, and it took every ounce of my willpower to not rip open the boxes and tear into the food like a barbarian. Instead, I went over to the cupboard and grabbed a bunch of plates out of the black cabinets.

While my back was turned to the food, an inhuman snarling sound surprised me. I whipped around and summoned red Hellfire into my hand, prepared to blast whatever fucker was trying to get the drop on us.

Instead, I nearly doubled over in laughter.

The sound was coming from Todd, who was standing on top of the counter tearing into one of the Mac and Cheese Pizzas. I couldn’t see exactly what was going on behind the open lid of the box, but flecks of pizza sauce and cheese were spraying up into the air as if a human artery had been punctured. Todd slammed the box closed, and the imp looked like he had just ripped somebody’s throat out. Red pizza sauce was splashed all across his face and chest, and he had a crazy, intense look in his eyes when he let out a window-rattling burp. Todd plopped down onto the breakfast bar and patted his belly.

“I told you I was gonna need an entire pizza for myself, bro,” he proclaimed.

“That was scary.” Cupiditas sounded like she was in shock. “Downright terrifying.”

“You don’t deny a baked, hungry imp his sustenance.” Todd wagged a finger at the blonde, “and I’m not even halfway done.”

I handed out a plate to each of the succubi. “Dig in, guys. We have a long night ahead of us.”

I opened the second box, and I couldn’t help but drool.

Todd was over the moon about this “Mac and Cheese Pizza,” and I could see why. Sitting on the crispy thin crust of the pizza was a literal heap of macaroni noodles, topped off with melted cheddar and mozzarella glistening with grease.

As I pulled a piece loose, a few of the supple noodles slid off of the pie, and the melted cheese left a gooey string in its wake. I lifted the triangular slice to my mouth, used my left hand to catch any dangling strings of mozzarella, and took a huge bite.

My teeth pressed through the soft noodles and cheese and then crunched through the perfectly crisp crust of the pie. Instantly, my mouth was filled with a blast of warm cheddar, garlic, and oregano-infused tomato sauce. My eyes rolled back in my head as I chewed the greasy Italian concoction.

The five of us tore through the pizzas and garlic bread like they were nothing, and then I turned my attention to the small black takeout container that held our wings. There were twenty barbeque boneless wings in the box which I distributed evenly between the group.

Even though I already felt stuffed from the pizza, the sight of the juicy fried wings gave me a second wind. The morsels were absolutely drenched in barbeque sauce, and they gave off a sweet, smoky aroma as they left the package.

“These are the wings of a chicken?” Sia asked, unconvinced. “I’ve seen many chickens slaughtered for blood rituals. Never once did they have a wing that was shaped like an oval.”

“It’s the meat from the wings of the chicken,” I tried to explain. “They take it off the bone, mix it together, and then fry it.”

“It’s basically a chicken nugget with sauce,” Todd added, “and it’s fucking delicious.”

Still skeptical, Sia raised the wing to her mouth and took a small nibble. Her violet eyes lit up with pleasure, and then she popped the rest of the wing into her mouth, swallowed it whole, and licked her lips.

“I think I like these chicken wings,” she said with a satisfied grin.

“If there’s one thing Jacob knows, it’s the best food here on Earth,” Libidine chuckled. “I don’t think he’s ever steered us wrong!”

We gobbled up the rest of the wings, and then the five of us sat there in silence. I felt like I couldn’t move, and I seriously started to wonder if I was in a food coma.

“So much grease…” Todd panted and clutched at his chest. “Is this what it feels like to have a heart attack?”

“Do I need to heal you?” Sia barely could say the words.

“He’s fine,” I argued. “We’re just all stuffed to the gills.”

“Good,” the redhead continued, “because I’m not even sure I could get over there if I wanted to.”

A second later, there was a knock at the door.

“That must be the caterers,” I groaned and pulled myself to my feet.

I started to waddle toward the door, and I looked out to check on the status of the dance floor. The men were now in the final stages of installation. The floor was completely finished, and a tiny bandstand had been built for the live group we’d ordered. Tiny starlights now hung all across the top of the pergola.

This whole place was going to look classy as fuck when the party started.

“Hey, guys,” I turned around to address my friends, “we’ve only got a few more hours left before it’s showtime. I’m gonna go let the caterers in, then go up and change into my tux.”

“What about us, Jacob?” Libidine asked innocently.

“You guys do what you do best,” I said with a wink. “Look sexy as fuck and charm the pants off of anybody who comes through.”

I headed off toward the door. It was time to get this party started.

Chapter 5

“After seeing what the girls’ outfits did to you and that pizza guy,” Todd explained as he adjusted his bowtie, “I can just imagine how wet all the chicks are gonna get when they see the Toddster in his tux.”

The two of us stood next to each other in front of the full-body mirror that was located in Quinn’s bedroom. The party was now a little under an hour away, and both of us were now putting the finishing touches on our “classy” attire.

“I’m really glad we were able to convince you to wear some clothes.” I chuckled as tossed on my jet-black jacket.

“Yeah, I’m not really one for fancy clothes and shit,” Todd explained, “but once I saw the little toddler tux in the box Cupi brought home, I couldn’t pass it up. Maybe this sweet outfit will be the difference between squirting some baby batter into some hottie’s hot oven or going home dry.”

“Maybe once you’ve mastered your transformation powers.” I shook my head and pushed the small black cufflinks through my sleeves. “Besides, I thought you were saving yourself for that redhead back in Kansas?”

“Bro,” Todd shot me finger guns, “you should know that the Toddster isn’t a ‘one-girl’ kinda imp. That sexy freckle-faced waitress is still the one for me, but I’ve got plenty of time before I need to think about settling down.”

“Settle down?” I laughed as I tied my polished black shoes. “You’re twenty-seven, Todd.”

“Yeah, but I’ve got it all planned out.” Todd stuck his hands out in front of his face to paint a picture. “I’m gonna have my fun for a while, master all my sweet-ass demon powers, kick some ass with my best friend Jakey, bang some chicks, travel the world. Then I’m gonna go back, find that sexy redhead, and we’ll run off together to start our own pot farm somewhere out west.”

“You’ve got it all figured out, huh?” I chuckled.

“For sure, bro.” Todd nodded. “Everyone has their entire life all figured out by the time they’re in their late twenties.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell him otherwise.

“We should probably get down there,” I explained. “Guests are gonna be here at any minute, and I’d hate to be a bad host.”

“Hey, it’s technically Quinn’s party.” Todd shrugged. “If it sucks, at least he’ll take all the blame.”

“Haha, true. At least we know Franklin himself is gonna be here,” I explained. “He seemed really excited to hear Quinn’s voice on the phone.”

“Yeah, I’m starting to wonder if they had a little thing going on if you get my drift.” Todd nudged my leg.

“Todd, they were both demons.” I rolled my eyes. “Quinn hasn’t been seen for a while, and I’m sure word has spread about us taking over the cult. He was probably just relieved to hear that Flauros wasn’t dead.”

“Nah,” Todd argued, “they were totally a thing.”

“Franklin has a wife and kid,” I pointed out to the imp. “They’re both going to be here tonight.”

“Since when has that meant anything?” Todd snickered. “I’m telling you now, bro. Take it to the bank and make a deposit.”

“I’ll take that under advisement.” I glanced down at my cell phone and sighed. “Welp, it’s showtime.” I turned and started to walk out of the room. “Just remember--”

Todd put his hand over his heart and raised his left hand into the air.

“I will not drop a chandelier on Marvin Franklin’s head,” he swore.

“Good to hear.” I smiled and opened the door. “Now, after you, James Todd.”

The imp giggled, turned invisible, and then ran down the stairs. I took a deep breath, and then I followed through the door of the bedroom.

I was always up for a good party, but not like this. I was used to beer pong and loud music and getting so trashed you woke up over the toilet the next day. This was all about elegance, dressing fancy, and talking about things like public policy and voter demographics and balancing budgets.

The whole thing made me want to gag.

But, we needed to find out just what Franklin was up to, and one way to do that was to get him here, charm his pants off, and then have him tell us himself.

As I stepped out into the stairwell, I looked down at the three beautiful women beneath me.

Sia, Liby, and Cupi chatted playfully as they stood around in their sexy dresses and shared a bottle of red wine.

I started down the stairs, and the noise from my steps must have drawn the succubi’s attention.

“Oolala!” Cupiditas cooed.

“Is that really Jacob?” Sia whistled. “I’ve never seen him in such fancy clothes.”

“It makes him look like a hunk, doesn’t it?” Liby grinned. “Well, even more of a hunk than he already is.”

“Girls, girls, girls,” I joked as I stepped off the final step. “There’s plenty of me to go around. I would be glad to give each and every one of you some time on this ride, but I also offer group discounts.”

“You want me to hurl again?” Todd’s disembodied voice asked. “Because I’ve got a stomach full of pizza that isn’t settling too well.”

Cupi walked over and placed her delicate hand on my chest.

“What are the specifications?” she flirted. “I hope you don’t have to be a certain size to ride.”

“I’m open to anyone.” I winked. “Any size, any time, and any number of riders.”

“I really hope this isn’t a rental,” Todd gagged.

“In all seriousness, though, let’s go over the plan.” I nodded to my friends. “We need to get Marvin Franklin alone, and we need to get him to talk. There are a couple of ways we can make this happen. First, I want you girls to flirt with him. He’s married, but he’s also a politician and a demon. I’m sure he’ll spill the beans if you pump him up a little.”

“And if that doesn’t work?” Libidine asked.

“Then Plan B,” I explained. “The invisible imp over here will really get to play spy. Todd, I want you to tail Franklin and see if he slips up in any of his conversations.”

“What is Plan C?” Sia asked curiously.

“Plan C is me.” I chuckled. “If all else fails, then I’ll try to get him drunk and charm the pants off of him until he tells me what I want to know.”

“Is there a Plan D?” Todd asked curiously. “We should all know by now that everyone loves the D.”

“Hmmm…” I rubbed my chin as I thought of a back-up fall-back plan.

Then it hit me.

“His phone!” I exclaimed. “Todd, your transforming hand issues may just be a blessing in disguise.”

“How so?” the imp wasn’t following.

“We already know you have the power to imitate people’s voices, right?” I said as I tried to lead my friends to my conclusion. “Why couldn’t you do the same for somebody’s fingerprints?”

“You want us to try to steal Franklin’s phone and then use Todd’s powers to unlock it?” Cupiditas’ eyes lit up at the thought.

“Bingo!” I snapped and pointed at the blonde. “It shouldn’t be too difficult since two of us have telekinetic powers. We can just slip his phone out of his pocket, check the contents, and then give it back to him as if nothing ever happened.”

“Bro,” Todd chuckled. “This is some James Todd shit. I love it, but how do we figure out what his fingerprints look like.”

“Like any spy movie,” I said, “we get him to drink a glass of some expensive wine or something, and then we take the glass back, you look at his fingerprint, and then match it.”

“Hmmmmm,” Todd said as he looked at his wiggling fingers. “Kind of takes the term ‘sticky fingers’ to a whole new level, doesn’t it?”

“What shall we do in the meantime?” Sia questioned after she rolled her eyes at the imp. “We need to manage our time efficiently if we want this to succeed.”

I wrapped my arm around the redheaded succubus. “Just relax, Superbia. It’s a party, so go dance. Go drink wine and enjoy the hors d’oeuvres. Franklin is going to have to make his big speech and ask for money before he lets his guard down and loosens up, anyway.”

“How many people do you think are gonna show?” Todd asked. “Did you make sure to invite all the hot babes?”

“It was fairly short notice,” Sia explained. “I expect it to mostly be locals who support his cause and his close friends and family. Probably not much more than that.”

“Is he at least one of those guys that has a hot sister or something?” Todd moped.

“Not to my knowledge.” The madame shrugged.

“Well damn,” the imp snickered, “I guess I’m gonna have to get extra drunk then to offset the boner-killers.”

“That’s… horribly offensive.” I shook my head at the imp’s words.

Before he could offer an explanation or a counter, the doorbell rang to announce our first guest. Everything was set up, the caterers had delivered all the food, the band was here, and my followers were currently incognito as servers and random guests.

It was go-time.

“I’ll be the greeter, and I’ll take a shot at Franklin first,” Libidine offered. “You guys go mingle!”

Cupi, Sia, and I headed toward the main area, out to the backyard with the pergola and swimming pool.

A few of the cultists were already out there, standing around with wine and hors d’oeuvres in their hand as they pretended to socialize. Across the way stood Jane and Oliver, both in disguise.

Jane was wearing a glittery-textured navy dress that hugged her curves in all the right places. The garment was fastened up behind her throat, but the neckline itself was just above her massive breasts. The dress then tightened at her waist to show off her wide hips and tight ass.

I had a really hard time believing she wasn’t a succubus in disguise.

As we approached the two cultists, I noticed that Oliver kept tugging at the sleeves of his jacket.

“I really hate wearing this monkey suit,” the white-haired man groaned.

“It’s a formal fundraiser,” I pointed out. “What did you expect, socks and crocs?”

“It would have been preferable.” Oliver chuckled which Jane shared.

“You guys have outdone yourselves,” she added and then took a sip of her wine. “All this just to get one demon?”

“It’s not just about killing Forneus,” I explained. “It’s about figuring out what the fucker is up to. This kinda shady political land-grabbing shit has Azazel’s fingerprints all over it, and I want to ensure that he stays in Hell where he belongs.”

“Until you kill him, right?” Oliver asked.

“Kill him?” I was somewhat confused. “He’s already in Hell.”

“Precisely,” the white-haired man said, “but he’s still alive. If you really want to assert your total dominance over our former master, you’re going to have to finish him off once and for all, even if that means venturing into the Lake of Fire itself.”

“Uh-- I don’t think my passport covers interdimensional travel,” Todd’s voice protested.

“Well, not now, obviously,” the cultist scoffed. “Only when Jacob becomes more powerful and is certain that he will have a clear and decisive victory over the King of the Fourth Circle.”

“Jacob has defeated Azazel twice already,” Sia argued. “I’m positive he could march straight into Hell and defeat him right now.”

“Let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves.” I tried to bring the conversation back to the here and now and nodded to the people entering the yard. “We’re starting to fill up.”

As we continued to chat, dozens and dozens of people wandered into the party. It was hard to keep an accurate headcount, but there were at least five or six dozen people who passed through the sliding glass door as the night progressed. About thirty minutes into the celebration, the whole crowd went silent and then began to applaud.

It looked like our guest of honor had finally arrived.

Marvin Franklin looked just as sleazy here as he did on television. He wore a black tuxedo that matched his parted black hair, complete with a matching raven-colored bow tie and shoes. The man used so much product in his hair that it appeared greasier than our pizza from earlier. Franklin walked through the crowd, waving at his constituents as he made his way toward the dance floor. Every now and again he would stop, shake somebody’s hand, and talk with them for a few moments about whatever the Hell politicians made small talk about.

When he was finally within our vicinity, I stepped out in front of him and extended my hand happily.

“Marcus Pearson,” I lied. “Mr. Quinn asked me to talk to you.”

“Marvin Franklin.” The man gave me a weak handshake. “Nice to meet you. Where is Mr. Quinn, anyways? It’s just like that old cowboy to be a no-show at his own party!”

“Unfortunately, Mr. Quinn had urgent business to attend to,” I explained. “That’s why he asked me to be his representative tonight. You know all about how that works, don’t you?”

I slapped Franklin playfully on the arm as the words left my mouth.

The politician just blinked at me blankly. “Well, tell Robert that words cannot describe how humbled I am to be a guest in his home. After a rough year of campaigning, it feels good to get back down to my roots and spend time with the people I represent. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go prepare for my speech. Pleasure to meet you, Marcus.”

“The pleasure is all mine.” I nodded and shook his hand again.

Franklin walked off under the pergola to continue the typical political meet-and-greet, and I turned back to my friends.

“This guy’s talking a lot, but he’s not saying anything,” Todd’s voice snickered. “He’s gonna be a tough nut to bust--”

“I think you mean ‘a hard nut to crack,’” Oliver corrected.

“I know what I said,” Todd retorted. “If anyone can crack this case, it’s gonna be James Todd, super spy!”

“Go forth, young imp.” I laughed as I pointed overdramatically toward Franklin.

I could hear Todd’s impish laugh as he traveled away from our position and grew distant under the sound of the playing band.

“I wonder how Liby did with the whole ‘trying to woo him,’ thing,” I pondered aloud.

“Ask her yourself.” Jane nodded behind me. “She’s on her way right now.”

I turned around to see Libidine fast-walking across the backyard, brushing people out of her way as she glided. The curvy woman was panting when she reached us, and she bent over to catch her breath. Doing so allowed gravity to take hold of her massive breasts, and our entire group was given a healthy dose of sideboob. With each breath, the succubus’ breasts heaved in and out.

Finally, she stood back up and regained her composure.

“Jacob,” Liby warned, “I’ve got some really bad news.”

“What is it?” I implored the succubus.

“Sister Ira,” Cupi hissed.

“Helllloooo, friends!” I heard a voice that I hadn’t heard since the motel out in California. I looked to my left and saw a slender, large-chested woman in a beautiful green dress approaching. It was definitely Ira, the Sister of Wrath.

“What are you doing here, sister?” Sia asked cautiously.

“That’s for me to know, and you to find out,” the woman purred.

“So which side is this, your sub or your dom?” I snarked back at the succubus.

“Neither,” she shrugged, “or both. It depends on how you look at it, I guess.”

“You never answered Superbia’s question,” Cupi said as she stepped closer to Ira. “Why the hell are you here?”

Ira grinned and ran a hand along Cupi’s cheek. “Why, to support my dear husband, of course,” she cooed. “He’s a big, strong Representative from Arizona. I have to follow him around and act like his eye candy, along with our little boy Ralphie. We’re the modern American Family, don’t you know?”

“Cut the shit, Ira,” the fit blonde hissed. “We know Azazel sent you.”

Ira looked shocked. “Whatever do you mean?” She placed her hand on her chest and acted offended. “Azazel is gone, and I’m turning over a new leaf.”

“I think you’re coming on too strong,” I said as I gently stuck out my arm to hold Cupi back. “Let me try. Would you like to dance, Ira?”

“For the record, my name is Maggie,” the succubus laughed, “but yes, that sounds lovely.”

I stuck out my hand, and the woman took it.

“I won’t keep him long, friends,” she said coyly as I began to lead her toward the dance floor.

“Be careful, Jacob!” Libidine warned. “You don’t know what she’s capable of.”

I turned my head back and gave the girls a wink. I knew damn well that this was a bad idea, but it was the only way to enact our plan. The longer I distracted Ira, the more time Todd had to spy on Franklin and the more chances the girls had to try to woo him.

We reached the dance floor just as the band started to play a slower tune.

Ira reached out and placed her hand on my shoulder, and I responded by wrapping my hand around her back. Then we locked fingers with our free hands and began to move back and forth slowly to the beat of the classical tune.

“This is the first time you’ve danced in a while, isn’t it?” Ira mocked.

“What can I say?” I grinned. “I’m more of a ‘beat drop’ kinda dancer.”

“Oh, so you’re saying you can’t dance at all?” she purred.

I lifted our connected hand over our head and twirled Ira. When she finally stopped, she looked impressed.

“I’ve been around the block once or twice.” I shrugged. “Now, let’s get down to business. We all know you’re still working for Azazel. In fact, you were trying to murder me in his name the last time I saw you.”

“Speaking of which,” the raven-haired succubus smiled, “my sub half can’t stop thinking about that bludgeoning object she saw when you were naked. I’d love to meet it again. I think it could be useful to my dom half, too. If it were handled correctly, of course.”

“Careful.” I nodded toward Marvin Franklin across the way. “You wouldn’t want your ‘husband’ to hear how much you worship another man’s dick, would you?”

“I couldn’t care less.” Ira stared deep into my eyes with her own.

The succubus’ irises were violet like that of any other demon, but they were much more intense, as if there was some insanity simmering just underneath their surface. Ira definitely had the ‘ol “crazy eyes” going on.

“I thought you were turning over a new leaf?” I asked. “You’re here with your husband and son, after all.”

“Please,” Ira scoffed. “That man up there wouldn’t be interested in me if I were the sexiest, most horny woman in the universe, if you get my drift. It’s more of a political marriage.”

Well damn. Todd was right.

“And your kid?” I continued.

“That little twerp is quite mature for his age,” She laughed. “Speaking of making babies, how is fucking three succubi?”

I completely ignored her question. “So it’s all a sham? Why would Azazel need somebody in the political world to do his dirty work?”

“You still haven’t figured it out?” Ira smiled deliciously as the words left her lips. “That’s rich. I would have figured the great Jacob Ralston would have had the whole mystery wrapped up and tied up with a little bow by now.”

“Even Sherlock needs a little--” I started.

“Shhhh,” the succubus said as she placed her entire hand over my mouth. “My ‘dear husband’ is about to start his speech.”

The music cut off, and everybody stopped what they were doing so that they could give Franklin their full attention.

“My fellow Phoenicians, my fellow Americans, thank you for coming out tonight,” the politician began. “Can I first start off by saying that I am very impressed with this turnout? I know this entire fundraiser was short notice, but I’d like to extend a big thank-you to our host, Robert Quinn!”

The crowd erupted in cheers and applause but then went silent again as Franklin raised the microphone back to his mouth.

“Unfortunately, Robert could not be here tonight, but he has my gratitude and my humble appreciation,” the dark-haired man continued. “Now, you might be wondering why you’ve all been asked here tonight. Believe it or not, it’s not for the incredible shrimp cocktail.”

The crowd feigned laughter at the weak joke.

“No,” Franklin’s voice now grew more serious, “I asked you here tonight because we have a problem in Washington. For far too long, the fat cats in Congress have pushed back against the will of the American people. Our infrastructure is crumbling. Bridges are collapsing due to misrepair, pollution is running rampant, and what does Congress do? They take the tax revenue that comes out of our paychecks, our hard-earned paychecks, and use it on things that have no bearing on the common folk.”

Several “yeahs” and cheers arose from the crowd at the man’s words.

Emboldened by that, Franklin continued. “It says right there, in the Constitution, that the government is supposed to ‘promote the general welfare and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity.’ Well, I’ll tell you, my friends, I will ensure that your voices are heard! And with the help of Proposition Sixty-Six, I will make sure that we address this wasteful government spending and the hindrance of red tape that plagues our country. I will fight for you, and I will make sure that congress listens to the people it claims to work for! Thank you everyone, and enjoy the rest of your night.”

The entire party erupted into cheers as Franklin handed the microphone back to the band leader. As he walked away, the music started up again, and I turned back to Ira.

“That was a very rousing speech,” I joked. “I totally would have voted for him… had I not known he was a demon, of course.”

Ira clicked her tongue. “You don’t know everything, Jacob. Or should I call you ‘master’ like all the other succubi do?”

“Ah, that’s where you don’t know everything, Ira,” I shot back at the succubus. “Nobody calls me ‘master.’ I hate that hierarchical shit. Everyone is equal in my eyes, whether they’re demons or imps or mortals.”

“You know, you could be a good politician too,” the dark-haired woman purred, “if only you knew how to pick your words more carefully. Saying ‘shit’ on national television would kill your career very quickly.”

“I don’t give a fuck,” I snarked back.

“Oh, I hope you do.” Ira locked her intense eyes with my own. “With me. And that massive hammer you’ve got down there.”

“Well, maybe if you weren’t still working for that asshole Azazel, I’d consider it.” I winked.

“I’ve served the King of the Fourth Circle for millennia.” She shrugged. “It’s going to take more than a few bouts of dumb luck in battle, a handsome face, and a large dick to get me to change alliances. In fact, once this is all over, I’m sure my master will promote me. I’ll be his most trusted advisor, and then I’ll single-handedly help him reunite the Seventy-Two Servants and defeat the forces of the Divine once and for all.”

As we made our next turn, I looked over Ira’s shoulder and saw Libidine and Sia both talking with Marvin Franklin. I was sure they were trying to flirt their way to information, but if what Ira had said was true, it wasn’t going to work.

Either way, I had to keep the evil succubus distracted for a little while longer.

“That’s where you’re wrong, Ira,” I continued. “Even if you are victorious, and even if we aren’t able to stop you this time, Azazel will never promote you. Everyone under Lucifer follows his Chain of Being, remember? To a demon, a lowly succubus will never grow beyond their level.”

Ira stopped dancing, slowly slid her left arm up my shoulder, and began to squeeze my neck tightly. She was much stronger than she looked, and I began to struggle for breath.

“You have no idea what you are talking about, mortal,” Ira hissed. “If we weren’t surrounded by your own cronies, I’d snap your neck like a twig right here and now.”

“But we are.” I tried to laugh through my collapsing windpipe. “You kill me, and they’ll turn you into a smear of black blood on the dance floor. And even if they don’t, it’ll be a PR nightmare for your ‘husband.’”

Ira released her grip and pulled away. Then she frowned as she readjusted her green dress and stared at me with hatred in her eyes.

“I will be victorious, and Azazel will be grateful,” the succubus promised. “But don’t worry Jacob. Before I torture and kill you, I’ll fuck you at least once. As I said, you are quite handsome, and I want to feel that cock inside of me, just not as much as I want to kill you. Good thing I can have both.”

Then, Franklin’s “son” appeared at Ira’s side and tugged at her dress.

“Mother,” the kid said in a monotone, almost robotic voice, “I have to use the restroom. Will you come help me?”

“Sorry, ‘Marcus,’” Ira sneered as she traced her finger down my jawline and throat, “but motherly duties call. Ta-ta for now.”

As the evil succubus walked away, she made a point to swing her hips back and forth and shake her ass forcefully. She knew I was watching, and I was sure she just wanted to tease me.

I rubbed the spot on my neck where Ira had grabbed me and thought about how the woman had turned on me in seconds flat. She was probably exaggerating when she said she could kill me single-handedly, but the minor twinge of pain throbbing on my throat reminded me that I didn’t want to test out that theory. Ira had gone from flirty and seductive to psycho and murderous in an instant, like some sort of switch had flipped in her brain.

She really was wrath incarnate.

“I see you survived your meeting with Sister Ira,” Sia’s voice sounded amused as she and her sisters approached. “She is quite the character, isn’t she?”

“I’d hate to see how her dominant side is in bed,” I joked and pointed to my throat.

“Oh, you don’t want to see that.” Libidine shuddered. “She’s definitely killed some people before.”

“What a way to go.” I shook my head at the thought. “Death by snu snu.”

“It’s more common than you think, bro.” Todd’s voice suddenly joined the conversation. “It’s a problem plaguing America to this day. Fuck, maybe I should become a politician and spread the word about this modern-day crisis.”

“Our first imp congressman?” I laughed. “I like the sound of that.”

“Also, legal weed.” The imp chuckled. “The Masterson platform is one that every slacker, stoner, and pervert in America can get behind!”

“You’d have my vote, Todd.” Libidine chuckled.

“So,” I brought us back on track, “how’d it go with Franklin?”

Cupiditas frowned. “He didn’t respond to us at all. We tried to sweet-talk him into ‘getting out of here,’ but he kept pulling up the ‘I have a wife and kid’ card.”

“That’s because he’s as straight as a circle,” Todd explained.

“As much as I hate to admit it, I think Todd is right,” I conceded. “Ira told me the same thing.”

“Did Jakey just say I was right?” The imp sounded like he was in complete disbelief. “I need to mark this day on my calendar, for it is a momentous occasion!”

“I just want to know what kind of contact lenses he uses,” Libidine chimed in. “I couldn’t see the purple in his eyes at all. All the brands we’ve tried so far still allow our true colors to shine through.”

“So Plan A and Plan B are completely out the window.” I sighed. “Time for Plan C and D.”

“Plan CD, if you will,” Todd snickered.

I turned to the redheaded succubus. “Sia, can you tell the caterers to go grab that expensive bottle of wine I ordered and meet me in the living room?”

“It will be done, Jacob,” Sia confirmed.

I turned to the other three. “Cupi, I want you to go let Jane and Oliver know what just went down. All of us need to be ready just in case things go south and Ira tries to pull something.”

“She wants to pull something, alright.” Cupi winked at me. “I saw how close you two were dancing over there.”

“What about Lib and me, Jakey?” Todd raised his hand.

“You two are coming with me.” I nodded. “While I’m shooting the shit and drinking with Franklin, I want Libidine to snag his phone. Once he’s nice and tipsy, Sia will come around and switch out his wine glass. Use it to grab his finger prints, copy them into your human hand, and then unlock his phone and see what you can find. Sound like a plan?”

“Complicated, team-oriented, and extremely unlikely to succeed?” Todd mused. “Sounds great!”

“Plan C and D, go!” I nodded to my friends, and then we split up.

I scanned the crowd for our guest of honor. It took me a while to find Marvin Franklin, but eventually, I saw his familiar profile of greasy hair and a crooked nose making its way toward the sliding glass door.

I dashed across the lawn to try to catch the politician, and I entered the mansion just behind him.

“Marvin!” I called out to get his attention, and the dark-haired man turned around with his ever-so-fake smile. “You’re not leaving yet, are you?”

“Mr. Pearson,” Franklin said with a grin. “It’s been very fun, and I really appreciate Robert’s hospitality, but all good things must come to an end. I’d love to stay, but it’s getting late, and my flight to DC leaves early tomorrow morning.”

“But you haven’t even gotten to sample Mr. Quinn’s special gift yet,” I implored.

The politician raised a curious eyebrow. “Special gift?”

I could see that Sia was standing just off in the kitchen with the bottle of wine in her hand. I motioned for the succubus to bring us the wine and indicated that we’d need three glasses.

“Mr. Quinn knows how much you enjoy your wine,” I explained. “He sprang for a vintage bottle of Chateau Margaux 1787 as a special treat.”

Franklin’ eyes lit up. “Did you say 1787? That’s almost as old as our country itself!”

“The more aged, the better.” I shrugged. “Come on, why don’t the three of us sit down and enjoy Mr. Quinn’s generous gift?”

“Well, when you put it like that…” The politician smiled slyly. “Maggie and Ralphie can socialize for a bit longer.”

“That’s the spirit,” I placed my hand on Franklin’ shoulder and then led him over to the fancy couch in the living room. Sia was already waiting for us, and the redhead poured us each a drink and then sat down next to me on the couch.

I raised my glass of wine into the air, and the two of them followed suit.

“To new beginnings, and to the people!” I exclaimed.

“And to Robert Quinn!” Marvin added.

I lowered my cup, swirled the wine around to mix up the flavor, and then sniffed. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing, but I’d seen some people on TV do it once so I assumed that’s what all stuffy wine drinkers did. Finally, I raised the glass to my lips and gulped down the fermented red liquid.

As soon as the wine hit my lips, I knew that it had been worth every penny we’d spent. My mouth was filled with the sweet mixture, and I savored it before I swallowed it down my throat.

I glanced over and saw that Franklin was enjoying the wine just as much as I was.

“More?” I asked.

“Of course!” He giggled. “It would be a shame to let such an expensive bottle go to waste!”

We continued to drink for a solid hour. Every few minutes, our conversation would be interrupted by somebody coming by to bid farewell to the politician and thank him for his hospitality. Before too long, it was just Franklin, my followers, and me left at the party.

Though he wasn’t completely trashed, I could tell that Marvin was starting to get a little tipsy. He had drank four glasses of the Chateau Margaux, and he was beginning to slur his words and hang on every sentence we said.

Now was the time to strike.

I glanced over and noticed that Liby had now joined Sia off in the kitchen. I gave the girls the signal, and they nodded back to confirm.

“So, Marvin-- Can I call you Marvin?” I asked coyly.

“You can call me whatever you want, friendo.” He giggled.

“Well, Marvin,” I continued, “I wanted to ask you about something in your speech. You mentioned Proposition Sixty-Six…”

“Ah yes,” he said as he stuck his finger up into the air, “the white whale of my campaign.”

“Exactly. I keep hearing you talk about it, but details online are pretty scarce,” I implored. “I tried to read the whole damn thing, but if we’re being honest, I have no idea what half of those damn words even mean!”

Franklin leaned in close and motioned for me to come closer.

“Let me in on a little secret, my friend,” he giggled. “Neither do we!”

The politician threw his head back and roared with glee at his own joke.

As he did so, I saw a flash of green appear in his pocket, and his phone slowly slid out of his dress pants and toward the waiting Libidine.

“No,” the politician tried to calm himself down. “Proposition Sixty-Six is a great piece of legislature that the American people have needed for a very long time. There is so much land all around this country that could be used for the common good, but too many stubborn landowners refuse to see the bigger picture.”

Sia walked over and nodded to our glasses.

“More wine for you gentlemen?” she asked kindly.

“Sister,” Franklin was now giddy drunk. “I’ll take the whole bottle if you’ve got it!”

“Right away, Mr. Franklin.” The succubus picked up his wine glass and shot him a knowing grin.

“So, back to Proposition Sixty-Six…” I tried to get Forneus back on track.

“Right.” Franklin nodded. “So, I was proudly one of the many representatives to put my name on this piece of legislation. I want to see good ‘ol red-blooded Americans like you, Mr. Pearson, get what they deserve. Did you know that in less than two decades, scientists predict that our entire infrastructure system here will collapse?”

I looked over the politician’s shoulder and saw Libidine give me a thumbs up.

“That sounds made up,” I said with skepticism.

Sia returned with the entire bottle of wine and two new glasses, sat them down in front of us, and then walked away in a hurry.

Franklin pointed a drunken finger at my face. “I thought you were supposed to be on our side?” he interrogated.

“I am, I am.” I corrected. “I just have a hard time believing rhetoric and simple words, that’s all. I’m a man of hard science, you know?”

“Damn straight,” Marvin slurred and slapped my playfully on the shoulder. “Here, let me show you that report--”

The politician reached into his pocket and then panicked when he realized his phone was missing.

“Well shit,” he grumbled, “I could have sworn it was here just a second ago.”

“Looking for this, Mr. Franklin?” Libidine pranced over and held out the man’s phone in her hand. “I found it out near the dance floor.”

“Why thank you, pretty lady.” The politician hiccuped and took the small rectangular device.

“Pssst!” Todd’s disembodied voice whispered into my ear. “The BDSM Bitch is comin’!”

“Honey, there you are!” Ira’s annoyance was clear as day when she called to her fake husband. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

“Hi, dear,” he mumbled. “Me and Mr. Pearson here were just talking politics.”

“Oh no, I see you found the wine,” Ira said with an insanely fake laugh. “You know you can’t trust anything this guy says while he’s drunk, right?”

The succubus tried to make her words sound like a joke, but I could hear the twinge of fear in her voice. Ira helped Marvin up off of the couch and motioned to the door.

“It’s really late, dear,” she said as she batted her violet eyes at the politician. “We need to get Ralphie back to the hotel. You know how grumpy he is when he doesn’t get a full eight hours of sleep.”

“I guess you’re right.” Franklin sighed and then gave Sia and me a wave. “It was nice meeting you all. I hope to see you again someday!”

Ira led the politician and their ‘son’ out the door in a huff.

“So, what did you guys find out?” I asked the succubi.

“There weren’t many incriminating e-mails or text messages, but we did find something quite disturbing,” Liby shuddered. “Todd took pictures of it with your phone.”

The imp fumbled around in his pocket and pulled out my black smartphone. He tapped his tiny claws against the screen and then held it up for me to see.

On the display was a forested area in what appeared to be a mountainous landscape. The picture looked like it was taken from above with a plane or a satellite, but it was as clear as day. Smack dab in the center of the image was an old, beat-up water well.

“It’s a well in the middle of the forest.” I questioned with a raised eyebrow. “What’s so special about that?”

“Look closer.” Liby implored.

I squinted my eyes and leaned in closer to the picture. Now, I could just barely make out a fiery glow coming from deep within the depths of the well.

“What am I looking at, guys?” I asked.

“It’s worse than we thought.” Sia shook her head back and forth in denial. “He’s going after the Porta ad Inferos.”

“My Latin may just be a tad rusty,” I chuckled, “but did you say he’s going after the Gateway to Hell?”

“Bro,” Todd scolded as he reappeared, “you don’t know about the Porta ad Inferos?”

“Obviously not--” I started.

“It’s an alleged portal that connects Earth Realm to Hell,” the imp explained. “Duh. Some people--”

“Let me guess,” I cut him off. “Some people believe that it’s located in Virginia?”

“Dingdingdingdingding!” Todd jumped up and down. “Jakey does know his paranormal shit!”

“Lucky guess,” I mumbled. “So I guess my next question is why go through all the pomp and circumstance? Why can’t Ira and all of Azazel’s cronies just go and take it by force?”

“The Porta ad Inferos is protected by a powerful Divine spell,” Sia explained, “but once it becomes public land owned by the government…”

“Give unto Ceasar what is Caesar's.” I nodded.

“That is correct,” the redhead continued. “The spell will be rendered irrelevant.”

“And then that fuckwit Azazel can just waltz right back onto Earth like he was never banished in the first place,” Todd finished.

“Maybe,” Cupi corrected. “Nobody has ever been able to reverse a banishment spell.”

“If Sister Ira and Forneus are so hellbent on securing this land, they must have a plan,” Sia warned.

“Well fuck,” I blurted out as I leaned back on the couch. “The new congressional session starts in a week or so. We don’t have much time to get this situation figured out.”

“Ahhh, no worries.” The imp swiped his hand through the air. “We’ve beaten way bigger odds than this. For example, I ate that entire mac and cheese pizza, and it didn’t destroy the toilet upstairs. Those were some pretty bad odds.”

“I appreciate your optimism, Todd,” I laughed, “but we--”

My words were cut off by a knock at the door.

Sia, Todd, and I looked at each other in confusion.

“Did somebody forget their purse or something?” I asked as I stood up and made my way over to the mansion’s entryway.

I opened the massive wooden door, and there was Franklin and Ira’s “son,” Ralphie. Next to the boy stood a small poodle that was wagging its tail happily and drooling on the sidewalk.

“Uh, where are your parents?” I asked, rather unconvincingly. “Didn’t they take off already?”

“They did, but we found this little puppy wandering around just down the street,” the boy’s cold voice responded. “My loving Mother and Father wanted me to see if it was yours.”

I did not like where this was headed.

“Look, you can cut the crap,” I sneered at the “child.” “I know you’re not really their kid, and I’m ninety-nine percent sure that’s not a dog.”

“Oh thank fuck,” the kid said as his voice grew deeper. “I didn’t know how much longer I could keep that bullshit up. You’re right, I’m not a kid, but this is a dog. He’s my special dog, one that you’re going to be very familiar with once I send you to Hell.”

The bodies of both the boy and the dog started to contort as they were engulfed with red Hellfire. Their legs stretched and bent in inhuman ways, and snake-like hisses of pain spouted from their mouths as they transformed.

The former poodle now stood as a massive black dog with bright red eyes and blood that dripped from its mouth. Its tail grew longer and curved upward, and two large horns protruded from the sides of its head, just in front of the canine’s ears.

As for the boy, he was now a five-foot tall, obese demon with red skin and two stubby horns. Around his waist hung a loincloth that covered his manhood, but that was honestly the last thing that needed to be covered. All across the demon’s body were large, pus-filled boils that looked like they were about to burst at any second. The nasty-looking fucker was completely bald, minus a few patches that stuck up out of his boil-covered head like mud-covered grass poking through the sidewalk. In his hand, he held a flaming single-headed battle axe.

The creepy fucker whistled, and the dog crouched down and began to snarl.

“Sic him.”

Chapter 6

I was able to duck out of the way just seconds before the jaws of the hellhound snapped shut on my skull, but before I could reorient myself, the ugly fucker with the axe brought his weapon hurling down from above.

I pushed my body back with my legs, and my ass hit the floor just in time to see the axe smash into the ground a few inches from my crotch.

“What the fuck is going on in-- Holyfuckingshitballs!” I heard Todd exclaim from behind.

The hellhound leapt up at me once more, but I was able to block it quickly by tossing up a purple barrier. At the same time, I unleashed a blast of red Hellfire on the demon with the loincloth, but he skillfully knocked it away with the haft of his weapon.

“You’re one ugly motherfucker,” Todd mocked in his best Austrian accent.

“Kill them all, my pet!” the demon exclaimed, and then the hellhound turned its attention away from me and began to run back at Sia and Todd.

“You’ve got a lot of balls coming here,” I warned the fucker as I hopped up to my feet and sprouted my blue horns. “This whole place is filled with spellcasters who are quite literally willing to fight to the death for me.”

“My pet will take care of those pesky mortals,” the demon mused, seemingly unconcerned, “but you’re all mine, Ralston!”

Ralphie swung his axe horizontally to try to go for the killing blow, but I was too quick. I cast a green portal up in front of the blade, and it suddenly reappeared beside the ugly bastard as it plunged into his side.

The ugly demon let out a grunt of agony, and I quickly closed the portal around the pole of his weapon. The axe was snapped in two about three-quarters of the way up the shaft, and he was forced to pull on the stubby handle to get the massive head out of his body. Blackish-crimson blood splashed onto the floor of the mansion as the demon gripped the now-shortened battle axe in his right hand. In his left hand, the fucker held the broken pole like a makeshift spear.

My opponent made a move like he was going to swing the axe, but then struck out with the metal skewer.

I tossed down another green portal to redirect the thrust, but this time the fucker was prepared. He jerked his head to the side just as the spear reappeared and tried to turn his head into a kebab. At the same time, he swung the enchanted red axe at my feet, and I had only seconds to react.

I leapt up into the air, created a purple barrier underneath my feet, and used that to propel myself over him. I landed upright on the floor behind the fucker and unleashed a bowling ball-sized blast of Hellfire directly into his back.

The ugly demon’s body was sent hurling through the air until his momentum was finally stopped by the marble of the left staircase with a terrible crash.

With the big guy down for now, I took a brief moment to check on my friends.

Todd was now riding on top of the hellhound with his tiny mitts wrapped around its horns. Meanwhile, Sia was trying to hit the lightning-fast beast with blasts of her black Hellfire.

“Get him outside!” I ordered. “With a little bit of backup, we’ll make short work of these assholes.”

“You heard the man, Cujo!” Todd snickered and jerked his hands to the left.

The hellhound’s momentum was turned in the same direction as his head was yanked, and he disappeared through the threshold that led to the kitchen. A second later, I heard the shattering of glass and a handful of shouts from outside.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the massive demon leap to his feet.

“Oh, no you don’t,” Sia called out as she blasted a beam of black Hellfire at the ugly fucker. Her attack caught the fucker just as he was leaping over the edge of the staircase, and he was frozen in time and space.

Most importantly, he couldn’t attack or defend himself.

As the demon struggled to breathe, I used the opportunity to create a purple circle of Hellfire all around his body. Sia cut off her spell, and I slowly started to close the walls of the magic prison around the demon.

“No, wait!” he begged. “I’ll tell you whatever you need to know!”

“We already know everything,” I sneered. “We know about the Porta ad Inferos. We know that your ‘parents’ are both demons trying to find a way to bring Azazel back from Hell, and, most importantly, we know that you tried to come in here and attack us in our home. For that, you’re going to die!”

Despite the ugly fucker’s pleas, I continued to close the purple barrier around him. I could hear his bones breaking as they were forced out through his muscles and poked out through his flesh. Once I heard the wet pop of his spinal cord, I released my spell.

The ugly fucker’s mangled body collapsed to the floor in a bloody heap.

“Now let’s hope Lassie out there is as easy to kill as his handler.” I nodded to Sia, and then we both ran toward the action outside.

I was definitely not prepared for what I saw when we reached the door.

Several of the cultists’ bodies lay across the yard. They were all still alive, but they were way worse for wear.

All the way out by the pergola, I saw Todd riding on the back of Cupi as she hovered in the air, just out of the dog’s reach. Libidine was beside her sister, fluttering upon her bat-like wings as she unleashed handfuls of glowing yellow spears down at the hellhound.

Meanwhile, Jane and Oliver were on the ground, leading the group of cultists. They were firing spell after spell at the dog, but he was too fast as he charged and spun past the mystical projectiles.

Every now and again, a spray of crimson would fly into the air when the hellhound went in for the kill, but thankfully my people got away without getting mauled to oblivion.

“Can you heal any of them?” I pointed to the bodies of the fallen cultists.

“On it,” the madame nodded, summoned a gold flame into her hands, and tended to the wounded.

From all the way across the yard, I tried to throw up an emerald portal at the beast’s feet. The little bastard must have seen it coming because it jumped into the air and completely avoided the trap. A few more spells flew past the dog as it hung in the sky, but none of them connected.

“This fucker’s fast,” I growled. “We may not be able to hit him, but we can at least keep him from killing any more of our men.”

I reached out with my right hand and created a massive wall of purple fire between the hellhound and the cultists. They’d be safe for now, especially as the hellhound bounced off the first time it tried to break through.

The dog continued to dash back and forth, avoiding the succubi’s attacks and trying his damnedest to make a dent in my barrier. I was fully focused on the thing as I planned a way to take it out permanently when...

“Jacob, watch out!” Cupi called out from above as she unleashed a blast of blue Hellfire behind me.

I turned around to see the ugly fucker’s single-headed axe frozen in the air. Had the blonde succubus been two seconds later, it would have caved in my skull. Behind the floating axe stood the nasty-looking demon. Despite the beating we had given him back in the house, and the fact we’d turned his spinal cord into jelly, the fucker looked as good as new.

“Didn’t I just fucking kill you?” I asked and shot a blast of red Hellfire with my free hand.

The ugly fucker rolled out of the way of the attack. When he came to a stop, he stomped his foot into the ground, and a shockwave was sent hurling through the dirt toward Sia.

I tackled the madame out of the way of the attack just before it could connect.

“A boy and his dog!” The ugly fucker laughed. “It’s a trope as old as time itself.”

“Bro, did you seriously just give away your one weakness?” Todd called out from above. “What a fucking idiot.”

“It’s called a strategic revelation,” the demon retorted. “I like to give a little bit of mystery to my prey before--”

“You have to kill him and the dog within a few minutes of each other, or else they’re just gonna keep coming back,” Todd explained.

“How did you kn--” the fucker started to ask as his eyes opened wide with fear.

“You need to work on your riddle skills, bro!” The imp cackled as Cupi released her blue spell and flew off to fight the hellhound.

“That’s actually great.” I summoned red and green Hellfire into my hands. “That means I can kill you as many times as I fucking want.”

I reached up, engulfed the battle axe with jade flames, and then hurled it at the boil-filled demon. He jumped out of the way of the strike, but I had anticipated that and was already prepared. I fired off a shot of red Hellfire directly into his trajectory. The blast hit the demon and spun him around like a top.

As if we had planned it, Sia then unleashed her black flame around the spinning demon to hold him, and then I summoned the emerald fire again to guide the axe back around.

This time, it didn’t miss. It struck the fucker in the side of his head and exploded it like a gore-filled balloon. The demon’s headless body crumbled down onto the grass and spewed blackish blood like a water fountain.

“Alright,” I said as I turned back toward the hellhound, “we only have a few minutes to finish this killer demon dog before his master returns.”

“Do you have a plan?” Sia asked hopefully.

“Do I ever not?” I shot her a knowing smile.

“That does not make me feel better,” she laughed.

“Ever seen how a rancher corrals his herd?” I asked, hoping to reassure the succubus. “I’m gonna need your help on this one.”

The redhead’s eyes lit up with recognition when she realized what I planned to do.

I reached out and tossed up a purple barrier in front of the hellhound, who quickly darted around it, and a split second later, Sia fired a blast of red fire toward the dog’s feet, but he jumped up to avoid it. As he did so, I created another barrier, but this time it was below his feet.

The hellhound backflipped off the barrier, but I was able to toss another one underneath his trajectory while he was still in the sky. The dog looked confused and jumped again to avoid an incoming attack from the succubi.

I continued to create purple platforms underneath the hellhound, slowly raising him higher and higher up into the night sky. Finally, once he was nearly two hundred feet in the air, I dismissed my spell, and all the Hellfire platforms evaporated into thin air.

The demonic dog snarled as it plummeted back down to Earth, but the monster was silenced when it smacked into the ground with a bone-crunching thud. It was this dog’s day.

“Holy fuck, we did it!” I let out a sigh of relief.

The succubi landed back down on the ground next to me, and Todd slipped off Cupi’s shoulders.

“Eat shit, assholes!” I heard a familiar voice scream from behind.

I turned around to see the ugly fucker’s axe hurling right at my face.

Just before the attack connected with my skull, I saw a blur of red flash past my face. There was a wet “thunk,” and Todd’s body flew back and collided with my own, knocking me to the ground.

I looked over at the imp and saw the massive axe sticking out of his body. Todd was heaving with each breath he took as he barely clung to life.

I felt an unbridled rage pour up into my body from my very core. This fucker hurt my best friend. Fuck this ugly bastard and his fucked up dog.

This ended now.

Still, on the ground, I unleashed a blast of red Hellfire upon the ugly demon like none I’d ever created before.

The demon’s body lit up like a candle, and he shrieked in agony as every inch of flesh was scorched off of his bones and then his bones were turned to ash. When I released my attack, there was nothing left of the asshole.

I looked up to make sure that the dog was still dead, and then I ran over to check on Todd. The poor guy was still alive, but he was in rough shape. The imp grimaced in pain with each breath that he took, and blood oozed out of the massive wound on his chest.

I reached down and took Todd into my arms.

“Annnndd IIIIIIIIII will alllwaaays love yoouuuuuu.” My friend weakly coughed and then spat up some blood.

“Thanks, bro.” I smiled at the imp in my arms. “You totally saved my life.”

“That’s… that’s why I’m Kal-El and you’re Jimmy Olsen,” he wheezed with a chuckle.

“Let me see him,” Sia demanded as she ran over.

“What do you think?” I asked as she studied Todd’s wounds. “Can you fix him?”

Superbia closed her violet eyes and concentrated. The air around the succubus became warmer and warmer as her right hand began to glow with a golden flame. The fire grew more intense and illuminated the entire area around the redhead. Sia reached out and touched Todd’s body, and the flame spread from her open palm to all around the figure of the fallen imp.

Slowly, the protruding axe began to dissolve. Once it was gone, the golden fire encircled Todd’s puncture wound, and his skin began to close back into itself like the iris of a camera. Even the broken horn jutting out of the left side of the imp’s head began to regrow.

Sia relaxed her magic and stepped back to admire her work.

Todd sat up and felt at his body, and then his horn. “Holy shit! The Toddster lives to fight another day!” The imp jumped down out of my arms, ran over to the redhead, and hugged her leg tightly. “You’re my new favorite, Strawberry Shortcake.”

“It’s the least I could do.” Sia shrugged.

“Thank God we have a healer in our midsts now.” I let out a sigh of relief. “I don’t know what I’d do without our little imp around.”

“The group would be a lot less sexy, that’s for sure,” Todd noted with a snicker.

“What do we do now?” Jane asked somberly.

“I want to find whoever is responsible, and make them suffer,” Oliver hissed.

“I think we all know who’s responsible.” I nodded grimly. “Azazel and Forneus. This is my fault, guys. I should have never let that asshole into our home.”

I felt Libidine’s tender hand as she placed it on my shoulder.

“It’s not your fault, Jacob,” the curvy succubus said as she tried to comfort me. “We all agreed to this. It was the only way we were going to figure out what Azazel and Sister Ira were up to.”

“Oliver’s right,” I growled. “We need to go after Forneus and make him pay, and we have to make sure that asshole Azazel never steps foot on Earth ever again.”

“I sense a road trip coming on…” Todd giggled.

I looked around at my friends and my followers.

“We need to head to Washington, D.C.”

Chapter 7

“I thought the idea of going to Hell was bad,” Todd scoffed as he stared out the window at passing trees, “but Washington? That’s much worse, bro.”

“Oh, it won’t be that bad,” I reassured the imp as we drove through the vast open plains of Oklahoma. “We went on a school trip to D.C. in my junior year. There’s actually a lot more to do there than you’d expect. As long as you avoid the tourist traps that is.”

“It’ll probably come as no surprise to you,” Libidine chuckled from the backseat, “but we succubi are very familiar with Washington D.C. It’s one of the biggest hotbeds of activity in this part of the world.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Todd made a “mind-blown” motion and took a puff from the joint in his hand. “Are you telling me that politicians aren’t faithful to their wives?”

“I would have figured you’d be more surprised that our high-ranking government officials knew about demons and knew how to summon succubi.” I chuckled.

Todd just shrugged. “Illuminati, bro.”

“You know, normally I’d roll my eyes and laugh, but nothing surprises me anymore,” I mused. “I honestly wouldn’t be surprised to find out the Demonic and the Divine were pulling strings behind every major event in world history.”

Todd and the succubi remained silent at my words.

“Oh, come on!” I glanced back in the rearview mirror at the girls. “You’re not saying--”

“The influence of Heaven and Hells’ forces goes back very far and goes very deep,” Cupi explained. “Maybe not every single important moment, but certainly a lot of them.”

“You have to remember, Jacob,” Sia added, “that the dealings of Earth Realm mean little to the Demonic and the Divine unless they directly interfere with their own plans. On the rare occasion that happens, then they will step in and intervene.”

“Like with Proposition Sixty-Six.” I nodded.

“Precisely,” Sia confirmed. “Although I must admit, this particular scenario is rather odd.”

“How so?” I asked the madame.

“I’ll take this one, Sister,” Libidine piped up. “What I believe Sister Superbia is saying is that normally, demons would simply force their will onto humans using trickery or brute force. It’s weird to see Forneus playing by the rules of mortal men.”

“Remember how Azazel had me torture that poor paranormal investigator, and then he tore him in half once he told us what we wanted to know?” Sia added somberly.

“How could I forget?” I shuddered. “That was fucked up.”

“That’s how some demons normally deal with humans,” the redhead explained.

“So wait,” Todd blew some of his reefer smoke out the window of Shadow, “if demons can just Hulk Hogan their way through everything, then why even pretend to be humans at all?”

The succubi remained silent as they thought about Todd’s words.

“I don’t think they know who that is, Todd,” I said with a laugh.

“Only the baddest motherfucking wrestler who ever lived!” Todd exclaimed as he jumped up onto the seat.

The imp’s tiny appendages transformed into two large, muscular human arms, and he flexed them downward dramatically.

“You know, ‘Whatcha gonna do, brother?’” He threw his voice to sound like the Hulkster.

“This guy sounds like he’s a powerful warrior of Earth Realm?” Cupi asked curiously.

“Not exactly,” I began to correct her. “He’s a pro wrestler. It’s basically scrip--”

Before I could finish my sentence, one of Todd’s human hands slapped over my mouth.

“Don’t you dare say that, bro!” Todd warned. “Don’t you go putting that evil on these girls, brother!”

I grimaced as I tried to keep my cool. The hand Todd had put over my face was really warm and really clammy, and I shuddered at the thought of what he’d done with it before.

“Shhhhh.” The imp slowly removed his grubby paw from my face as the sound slipped out. “Don’t ruin this for them. It’d be like telling a kid Santa isn’t real.”

“Like you did to my nephew?” I said with a raised eyebrow.

“Hey,” Todd shrugged with his massive arms, “you can’t blame the Toddster for the things he does while under the influence.”

“Dude,” I laughed, “you told him that Santa was part of a big government conspiracy to promote capitalism and the commercialization of Christmas.”

“I didn’t see St. Nick selling anyone soda before.” Todd shrugged and then flipped back so that he was facing the succubi. “What do you guys think?”

“Bro, they’re demons.” I shook my head. “Christmas is, like, the opposite of what they celebrate down in Hell.”

Todd scratched the nest-like hair on his head with his human hand and then shrugged.

“Anyway, you guys never answered my question,” the imp retorted, completely unaware of the irony in his words.

“Right…” Cupi said sarcastically. “So, basically, it all comes down to what we talked about before with demons and their followers.”

“Oh yeah, that.” Todd snickered. “I totally remember everything we talked about all that time ago, but, uh, I don’t think Jakey here does. Could you give him a little refresher course?”

Cupi chuckled. “Demons need mortal followers to believe in them. One, because it feeds their massive egos. Two, because it gives them influence over the Divine’s creation, which in turn weakens their enemy. And three? Because they think it’s fun.”

“So demonic influence over mortals weakens the Divine?” I questioned the succubus.

“Right because every mortal has a soul,” the fit blonde explained. “In almost every culture and every religion, the soul is seen as the life force, the ‘battery’ of the human body.”

“The soul is the powerhouse of the body.” Todd nodded. “We learned that one in biology.”

“I don’t think-- Nevermind.” I shook my head and laughed.

“In most religions, who created the souls?” Sia quizzed.

“The Big Man upstairs.” Todd nodded.

“Precisely,” the redhead continued, “and, at least according to most religious texts, the Exalted One put a little bit of himself in everything he created.”

“It wasn’t such a problem at first when there were only a handful of people on Earth,” Cupi said as she took over the conversation once again. “But now there’s, what? Over seven billion? That’s spreading the power pretty thin.”

“With every follower Lucifer and his minions gain, the Divine’s powers are chipped away little by little,” Sia explained.

“So what, the Devil’s plan--”

“Lucifer,” Libidine corrected.

“Excuse me,” I apologized, “Lucifer’s plan is to take over the souls of all mortal men?”

“That’s more of a stretch goal.” Sia chuckled. “Even he and his minions don’t believe that will ever happen, but they’re still going to try.”

“Azazel believed it could,” Libidine added. “He thought that given time and the right exposure to the demonic, man would always prefer sin over the path of the righteous. And if they didn’t? Our former master thought that you could brute force your way into their souls through fear and intimidation.”

“It’s why he had such a massive following,” Cupi chimed in. “It’s also why he’s so dangerous.”

“So, back to Todd’s question--” I started to ask, but the blonde succubus cut me off.

“I’m getting there!” she mused. “Sheesh, and I thought I was the impatient one. Even between the Demon Kings, Demon Queens, and Lucifer himself, there are many opinions on how to influence the minds of men. Azazel thought that power and fear were the way to the gain a following. Lucifer, on the other hand, uses smooth talking and manipulation. Lilith? She’s all about desire.”

“Basically, it all comes down to the old adage of whether it is better to be loved or better to be feared,” Sia continued.

“Oh yeah.” Todd giggled. “We learned about that too. Ravioli or what’s his face.”

“Machiavelli,” I corrected.

“That’s what I said, Tagliatelle.” The imp nodded.

“No, Machiavelli.”

“Manicotti, got it.” Todd shot me a finger gun.

“Machiavel--”

“Bro, are you stroking out on me?” the imp asked with concern in his voice.

“I’m fine, Todd.” I sighed and then tried to get us back on track. “Well, let’s simply be glad all the demons have never stood on a united front.”

“I’ll say so,” Cupi agreed. “Personally, I think if they all banded together and tried to use brute force, they’d win over the souls of mortal men easily.”

“Cupiditas…” The madame clicked her tongue. “You of all people should know that’s not true. Fear can only get you so far. Are these people really ‘following you,’ or are they just pretending so that they can avoid punishment?”

“They’re listening either way,” the blonde argued.

“Sia is right, Cupi,” Libidine added. “Think about Earl and Azazel. We were a part of their ‘followers’ at one point. Would you say we truly believed in their mission, or that we even liked them as leaders?”

“Fuck no!” the blonde succubus spat. “I hated Earl with every fiber of my being.”

“I rest my case,” Sia said slyly.

“Pack it up, philosophers.” Todd snickered. “We just solved the age-old mystery of Manicotti.”

“So I’m assuming that means Forneus is more of a ‘wants to be loved’ type of demon?” I asked the succubi.

“Certainly,” Sia retorted, “but I’m still surprised he’s jumping through all the hoops of running for office. That takes true dedication. Then you throw in the fact that Sister Ira, a low-level succubus, claims to be the power behind the throne? The whole situation doesn’t sit right with me, Jacob.”

“You think there’s more to it than simply getting Proposition Sixty-Six passed?” I raised an eyebrow back at the redhead.

“I don’t know.” She sighed. “Azazel and his followers have never been traditionalists, but this scheme seems too out there, even for him.”

“It means that the fucker is desperate,” Cupiditas argued. “Jacob has kicked his ass back to Hell twice now. He’s like a cornered animal.”

“That’s what scares me, Cupiditas,” Sia said grimly. “The last time he was desperate and angry, he broke a centuries-old agreement between Heaven and Hell and reignited the war. There’s no telling to what lengths he’ll go to this time.”

“Eh, it’s just Azazel,” Todd scoffed. “No biggie. The dynamic duo of Todd and his sidekick Jakey will take him out if he ever shows his ugly mug again.”

“I’m actually with Todd on this one,” I half-joked. “Azazel can’t come back to Earth at full power thanks to that banishment spell, and our powers are getting stronger and stronger by the minute. If he does find a way to come back, which he won’t, we’ll beat his ass again and send him back to Hell where he belongs.”

“I get soooo turned on when you talk like that,” Cupi purred.

“A confident man is a sexy man,” Libidine added with a giggle.

“I do admire your confidence,” Superbia chuckled, “and I do think we could defeat a weakened Azazel here on Earth quite easily. Still, my role as a madame has exposed me to nearly all of Hell’s big players, and a mere General is far from the biggest threat we could be facing.”

“So you’re trying to tell me that the King of the Fourth Circle, the Father of Warfare, the demon who literally taught mankind how to kill each other and went toe-to-toe with an Archangel, isn’t a big deal?” I couldn’t believe my ears. “What could possibly be more dangerous than this asshole?”

“Well, there’s Lucifer himself,” Libidine answered for the redhead. “That’s the big one. Then there’s the Demon Kings. There are eight other circles of Hell, you know.”

“Then there’s the Demon Queens,” Cupi spoke up. “You already know about Lilith, but there’s still one Queen for every King.”
“Hold up!” Todd nearly swallowed his joint. “Azazel is hitched?”

“Yes and no.” Liby giggled. “Demon bonds are much different from those here on Earth. The Kings and Queens of Hell are certainly ‘partners’ like in your mortal marriages, but they are far from in love. And they definitely aren’t bound to a single lover.”

“So they sleep around on each other?” I asked. “That might be a way for us to win.”

“I know what you are thinking, Jacob,” the blonde succubi chuckled. “Lilith will probably not betray Lucifer, but the other Queens might be willing to make you their king. I know the three of us have.”

“And it is wonderful!” Liby giggled.

“I feel the same, my lord,” Sia purred.

“Awww, thanks girls,” I said, and my chest warmed as I smiled at the three beautiful succubi.

“Anyway,” Cupi continued, “you’ve got nine Demon Kings and Nine Demon Queens. Then you’ve got all the rest of the generals: Beelzebub, Asmodeus, Zahhak, Namtar--”

“And those are merely the high-class demons,” Sia cut the succubus off. “There're the beasts of Hell, as well. Cerberus, Leviathan, The Beasts of the Revelation, The Four Horsemen, The Great Dragon, Blemmyae…”

“Don’t forget all the creepy shit that’s living here on Earth!” Todd added. “Like those Skinwalkers and the Shadow People.”

“I almost forgot about the creatures from the other realms.” Sia laughed. “Thank you for the reminder, Todd. There are--”

“I get it.” I raised a hand to silence all four of them. “There are a lot more threats out there than just Azazel and the Seventy-Two Servants. But right now, they’re the ones that keep crossing our path, so they’re the ones we’re gonna have to deal with first. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting really sick of these fuckers.”

“You also can’t move on until you’ve banged all his succubi,” Todd added with a raised finger. “That’s the most important mission of all.”

“Yes, it is,” Libidine said with a soft sigh. “As happy as I am to be free of Earl and Azazel, I do miss our sisters.”

“It’s alright, Libidine,” Sia reassured the dark-haired succubus. “I’m confident that they will all join Jacob in due time. Then he will have tremendous power.”

“Yeah, I’m not too sure about Ira,” I mused. “She seems pretty crazy and determined to finish her mission.”

I glanced up and noticed a passing sign on the highway.

Welcome to Missouri, the Show-Me State.

“So was I, if you recall,” Sia argued. “I eventually saw the error of my ways. Give her some time. Sister Ira will soon learn that sometimes the grass is actually greener on the other side.”

“Speaking of the other side,” Todd grinned, “we’re home, bro!”

“This is your home?” Libidine asked and then happily looked out at the landscape surrounding us. “Did you live out here in the forest?”

“That would explain why Jacob likes camping.” Cupi snickered. “It’s his natural habitat.”

“It’d also explain why you two were living in such a terrible apartment when we first met,” Liby added. “You guys don’t take pride in your Earthly possessions.”

“Uh, sure,” I lied. “That’s definitely it.”

“I thought it was because we were both working shitty jobs, and I was blowing all my money on weed and occult books?” Todd rapped on his chin, deep in thought.

“That too.” I sighed. “That too, but we don’t have to worry about that anymore. Now, we can get the best hotel rooms money can buy. Speaking of which, the driver’s starting to get tired, and Missouri is about the halfway point of our trip. I was looking up some awesome resorts around Springfield--”

“Brooooo,” Todd cut me off. “Why waste the money on the hotel when we could just go stay with your parents? Kansas City is right on the way.”

“I’d love to meet Jacob’s parents!” Libidine giggled happily. “They must be something special since they created an amazing guy like him.”

“Come on,” I laughed nervously, “you guys don’t wanna go to our old house in the suburbs and sleep in my old full-sized bed and listen to stories about my childhood, do you?”

“That sounds incredible,” Cupiditas gasped. “We’ve been living the high life every single day since we’ve been with you. I’d love to see you back in your natural element, back down to your nitty-gritty roots.”

“Eh, I still think the hotel would be better.” I shrugged.

“You’re not embarrassed by us, are you?” Sia asked sheepishly.

“Of course not!” I reassured the redhead. “It’s just that it’s gonna be hard to explain to my parents why I’m traveling with three super-hot demon women and an imp to the nation’s capital to murder another demon who’s posing as a congressman.”

“Nonsense, my man.” Todd slapped me playfully on the shoulder with his still-human arms. “You’re the greatest bullshitter I’ve ever met. You’ll figure something out.”

“Guys, I seriously don’t think--”

“Ja-cob’s house! Ja-cob’s house!” Todd started a slow chant.

The succubi joined in on the chant, and soon, the entire cabin of Shadow was ringing out with calls to stay at my parents’ house.

“Alright!” I finally conceded. “We can stay at my old place, but we have to be really careful not to tip my parents off about what we’re really doing. They’re pretty old-fashioned, and I think they’d freak if they knew I was dabbling in the occult.”

“I think the ‘dabbling’ was done a long time ago,” Todd cackled. “You’re balls-deep now.”

“I guess I am.” I smiled at the imp.

I turned the wheel to the right and headed toward the exit for Kansas City.

“Next stop, Jacob’s house!” I weakly laughed.

The entire car erupted in cheers as we turned onto the exit ramp, but I could feel the knot in my stomach tying tighter by the minute.

I was on my way home with three sex-crazed demons and a tiny imp by my side.

Of all the people in the world, my parents were the ones who could always see through my bullshit. It was gonna be real interesting explaining this one.

Chapter 8

Kansas City was somewhat northwest of our trajectory, about two hours’ drive from where we had crossed over into Missouri. As I drove Shadow down the interstate, eventually I saw the familiar skyline of K.C.

It wasn’t as glamorous as New York or Los Angeles. Hell, it wasn’t even as iconic as some place like Denver or Fort Worth. The largest building in the whole city was only a little over six-hundred feet tall, and there were only a handful of structures that could technically be considered skyscrapers. Not more than a few miles from the outskirts of the metropolitan area laid a bunch of farm land, which only helped give the city a more midwestern feel.

This place may have been given the nickname of “Cowtown,” but it was my home, and a part of me was happy to be back.

“When was the last time you were home, Jacob?” Libidine asked excitedly from the backseat.

I thought long and hard about the succubus’ question. “Probably last year, around the holidays.”

“That long?” The curvy woman sounded surprised.

“It’s a twelve-hour drive,” I explained to my friends, “or a three-hundred-dollar plane ticket. We were both afraid Lola couldn’t make it that far, and neither of us could afford to buy two round-trip tickets.”

“The modern life of the mortal man fucking sucks, dudettes.” Todd shook his head and frowned. “It’s all work, work, work. Bills, bills, bills. That’s why I didn’t hesitate to have Cupi take all my Earthly responsibilities away and give me this smokin’ hot imp bod.”

“He didn’t even wait for me to introduce myself.” The blonde succubus laughed.

The tiny imp kicked back the seat of Shadow slightly and took another deep puff of his joint. “Even with the revelation that Heaven and Hell are real, I still wonder. Is that all man was put on Earth to do?” He pondered. “Or is that merely a social construct of our capitalist society?”

“Oh God.” I laughed. “Todd’s getting philosophical. Somebody take that weed away from him.”

“I’m telling you, bro,” the imp protested, “you should be writing down all the shit I say when I’m high. Type it up, publish it, and it’ll sell like a condom at an orgy after somebody yells, ‘Chlamydia!’”

“That’s… That’s an odd analogy,” Sia mused.

“But it’s clever, isn’t it?” The imp giggled. “Blame the weed. It makes me a million times smarter. A book of ‘Toddisms’ would make so much money that we wouldn’t even need to own the strip joint anymore.”

“Speaking of which,” I said as I looked back at Sia in the rearview mirror, “how’s the Velvet Lips doing, Ms. Manager?”

“The last time I spoke to Oliver, he said that the residuals from our battle were all cleaned up, but they were still looking for dancers,” the redhead explained. “He graciously offered to act as the hiring manager for the auditions next week.”

“That dude’s, like, a thousand years old.” Todd shuddered. “His battle station definitely isn’t fully operational, if you get my drift. I hope he brought a lot of little blue pills along.”

“I’m still surprised Oliver handed over the reins of this mission to Jane so willingly,” I pondered. “He kinda comes across as a tightwad control freak.”

“But not too many, that can cause a heart attack,” the imp continued with his original thought as if I hadn’t said a word. “Then again, the dude might have a heart attack just by having a bunch of sexy titties bouncing around in his face.”

“The Cult of Azazel was prone to orgies before they switched masters,” Sia chimed in. “I’m sure he will do fine.”

“Seriously, Jakey,” Todd was now in full-on baked mode, “why did you have to ban the one place where an imp can fuck a human and nobody bats an eye?”

“I never banned--”

“So, it’s okay when your dick is acting as a lightning rod for a demon’s Hellfire powers, but not cool when it’s a bunch of mortals doing it for fun. Got it.”

“It’s not-- The most I’ve ever been with at once is two!” I argued. “It’s completely different.”

“That’s going to change soon, though,” Cupi whispered into my ear.

“Ohhh.” I felt my face flush, and my heart began to pound faster in my chest.

“It has to!” The blonde giggled. “Your powers aren’t going to get any stronger until it does, or until you add a new succubus to our group.”

“And if Sister Ira is as stubborn as we all know she is,” Liby added, “that could take quite a while.”

“I rest my case.” Todd giggled. “Bring back the cult orgies, bro.”

“They never left.” I rolled my eyes. “I simply told them not to do it when I was around. Have you seen most of my followers? Like, eighty percent of them are over the age of sixty.”

“That’s a lot of droopage.” Todd’s face contorted into a look of disgust. “On second thought, maybe I’ll keep saving myself for the perfect woman.”

“I’d say that ‘the perfect woman’ doesn’t exist, but I’ve already met three of them.” I smiled in the rearview mirror.

“Noooooooo,” Todd hissed. “Bro, that’s the corniest thing I’ve ever seen, and we drove through Nebraska for a full day.”

“Did it work?” I chuckled.

“You’ve already wooed us, Jacob,” Sia giggled, “but it’s always nice to hear flattery. You may have just earned something special next time we make love.”

“Uh oh,” Libidine cooed. “That ‘thing’ is supposedly so legendary. I’d love to see it.”

“Why’d you put the child-proof locks on these doors?” Todd demanded in a panic as he tugged at the handle.

I shook my head, laughed, and then pointed at the sign on the highway ahead. “We’re almost to my parent’s place. When we get there, can we not talk about orgies and special sexual favors? Please?”

“We’ll do our best, but no promises.” Liby chuckled.

“You’ll get no such promise from the Toddster,” the imp in the passenger seat said with a shake of the head. “The pores on my mental filter are wider than a porn star’s assho--”

“Todd!” I cut him off. “You’re not really going to be saying anything. At least, not unless you’ve figured out how to control your transformation powers yet.”

The imp’s arms had returned to normal, probably thanks to the relaxing powers of the ridiculous amount of pot he’d smoked.

I could explain to my parents why I was traveling with three beautiful women, but a three-foot tall, cloven-footed imp who also was my childhood best friend? Probably not.

“What do you mean, bro?” Todd asked. “Your parents love me. Especially your MILF of a mom.”

“I’m unlocking those child-proof locks for you now,” I half-joked. “But seriously, you’re gonna have to go incognito for this one. There’s not an excuse in the world I can think of to describe why my best friend is now a tiny demon.”

“There are, like, a million reasons I can think of,” Todd protested.

“Like?” I tried to call him out.

The tiny imp turned his head and stared at me as he tried to think of a clever answer. His eyes were completely bloodshot, and his mouth hung agape as if he were in a trance. Todd sat there in silence for a solid minute before he finally shook his head.

“You got me beat.” He sighed. “It’s a shame, too. This was finally gonna be the time where I sealed the deal. Get your dad out of the house… Pour a couple of glasses of red wine… Put on some Marvin Gaye…”

I outstretched my hand and engulfed Todd with a blast of green Hellfire. Before he could say another word, I made the imp disappear.

Todd’s tiny frame reappeared on the hood of Shadow. His eyes nearly bulged out of his skull when he realized he was on the outside of our vehicle traveling at seventy miles-per-hour. Though I couldn’t hear it over the sound of the radio, Todd’s mouth opened wide in a horrified scream.

I only left him out there for a few seconds, and then I used another spell of jade flames to bring him back into the car.

Todd put his hand over his heart, let out a huge sigh of relief, and then leaned back in his seat.

“Gonna stop talking about my mom?” I asked as I raised an eyebrow.

“Point taken,” he panted.

“You were never in any real danger.” Libidine chuckled. “Jacob was holding you in his spell the entire time.”

“Tell that to my empty bladder,” the imp sneered. “I hope Shadow needed a wash.”

“Well, she does now,” I joked.

“Was that completely necessary, Jacob?” Sia asked from behind. “Todd was just being humorous.”

“Jakey always gets mad when I talk about his mom being a--” Todd started, but then I shot him a dirty look. “I mean, yes, it was totally necessary. I’ve completely learned my lesson, and I won’t talk about how hot his mom is ever again.”

“Good.” I nodded. “Because we’re literally a few minutes away, and we’re gonna have to put on our best acting faces for the night.”

“Only a night?” Libidine said in a disappointed tone. “We’re not on a time crunch or anything. Can’t we stay longer?”

“As much as I enjoy spending time with my parents, I don’t think we can keep up this charade for that long,” I explained. “Seriously, do you think Todd can remain invisible and near-silent for a week? Do you think I won’t slip up and spill the beans at some point?”

“Jacob’s right,” Sia agreed. “Statistically, the longer a lie goes on, the harder it is to keep hidden. Though I’m still not sure I understand why we have to hide in the first place.”

“Because,” I retorted, “in my experience, mortals don’t really handle the whole ‘there’s a demon in my presence’ thing too well. Not to mention, my parents are kinda old-school and traditional when it comes to things like religion and social norms like only dating one girl at a time. They would freak the fuck out if they find out everything we’ve been doing in the last few months.”

“So you’re worried about your parents getting mad at you?” Cupiditas was unconvinced.

“I’m a demon slayer with badass Hellfire powers,” I told her. “I’m not afraid of what they’ll say, I’m afraid of what they’ll do. They might go to the police or their priest or something. Then word spreads quickly, and suddenly all our enemies know about Jacob Ralston’s parents.”

“No bueno,” Todd agreed. “That’s like, supervillain tactic number one: Going after the loved ones.”

“Exactly.” I nodded as we pulled off onto my parents’ road. “The less they know, the safer they are. Promise you’ll all do your best not to say anything?”

“We promise,” Sia spoke up from the backseat. “The last thing we want is to drag more innocent mortals into this conflict, especially ones that mean so much to you.”

“I’ll be like the wind.” Todd giggled. “Silent, but deadly.”

“I appreciate it, guys,” I said sincerely. “You really are the best friends a guy could ask for.”

“When I’m not making jokes about your mom,” Todd said with a raised finger.

“Yeah, there is that.” I chuckled. “Sorry I teleported you out the window of our moving vehicle. That may have been a teensy tiny overreaction.”

“No harm, no foul.” Todd shrugged. “I knew you weren’t gonna actually hurt me. Who would be our resident rascal if I was gone? Could you imagine Star Wars without Han Solo?”

“Well, Sister Ira is pretty crazy,” Cupi suggested. “She’s not as witty as you are, but some of the stuff she says is batshit insane. It was always good for a laugh.”

“The Toddster cannot be replaced.” I shook my head. “He’s one of a kind.”

As the words left my mouth, I turned into the smoothly paved driveway of my parents’ house.

There it was. My childhood home.

The two-story, white and red house was built in the early sixties, but my parents renovated it when I was just a small boy. It hadn’t changed too much since I lived here. The shutters were still the shade of crimson that my mom always thought was ugly, but Dad never bothered to repaint. He had, however, got around to replacing the shingles on the roof, but only after one literally fell off and put a massive dent in their minivan when I was fifteen.

“It’s weird being back at this place,” Todd observed. “You may have been here last Christmas, but I don’t think I’ve been at your place since… high school, at least?”

“Yep,” I confirmed. “Back in the day when our biggest worries were who could ‘pwn the most noobs’ and who was going to pay for the pizza that week.”

“Bro, those are still top priorities for moi,” the imp corrected me as he turned invisible.

I killed Shadow’s ignition, sighed, and then got out of the Jeep. I opened the back door for the succubi, and the girls each slid out of the vehicle onto the sleek pavement of the driveway.

“So this is your childhood home?” Cupi said as she took in the sight. “Believe it or not, even though I’ve known you for months, I didn’t have the slightest image in my brain of what it’d look like.”

“Me too.” Libidine shrugged. “We’ve been alive for so long that I’ve started to kinda stop viewing time as a linear object. It never even crossed my mind that you had a whole past before you summoned us.”

“I did,” I shrugged, “but now that I’ve met you guys, I never want to go back to it.”

We finally arrived at the small green door at the front of the house.

“Are we ready for this?” I asked the group.

“As ready as we ever can be.” Cupi nodded.

I reached up, balled my hand into a fist, and then rapped three times on the door.

There was silence from the other side, and my whole body felt like it was being overtaken with anxiety as we waited for somebody to answer.

“Maybe nobody’s home?” Sia asked.

“No, that’s their car in the driveway.” I pointed to the silver minivan with the tiny dent in the hood. “They’re definitely here. They’re probably just not expecting company.”

“Maybe we’re interrupting sexy time?” Todd’s disembodied voice suggested.

“Do you want to go on the roof this time?” I asked playfully. “I’ll--”

Before I could finish my sentence, I was interrupted by the sound of the locking mechanism of the door.

There was a loud creak as the green door swung open to reveal my dad, in all his glory.

Dad was wearing a red and white flannel shirt with baggy bootcut jeans. Upon his button nose sat a pair of large coke-bottle glasses with rims so thin that they looked like there were none at all, and his balding head shone in the afternoon sun. My dad was tall and lanky like me, but the pouch-like state of his belly told us that he hadn’t been exercising as much as he should have.

When he saw us, he did a double take, rubbed his eyes, and then stared in disbelief.

“Jacob?” He grinned. “What are you doing home?”

“Hi, dad.” I smiled and went in for the hug.

“And who are these three?” he asked as he glanced over at the succubi.

“They’re friends from school,” I lied. “We’re carpooling on our way to a school trip. I thought maybe we could all stay the night?”

“Any friend of Jacob’s is welcome in our home, anytime!” Dad proclaimed before he called over his shoulder. “Honey, you’ll never guess who’s here!”

“Who is it?” I heard my mother’s voice call out from somewhere inside the house.

“I’ll bring him to you!” Dad chuckled as he wrapped me with a brief embrace, and then smiled at the girls and me. “Well, don’t stand outside in the cold, come on in.”

“It’s the middle of the afternoon,” I heard Todd’s voice snicker as we entered the house. “Good ol’ Mr. Ralston.”

We passed through the main hallway of the house, past the closet where I’d always hung my coats as a child, past the markings on the kitchen doorway with the lines indicating how tall my brother and I had grown, and past the dinner table where the four of us had spent almost every night together. The carpeted floor of the old dwelling creaked underneath our feet a few times as we walked, and I also noticed that some of the wallpaper in the kitchen was peeling.

Once we were through the kitchen and dining areas, we entered into the small but comfy family room that I was so familiar with. There, on the large gold-and-black reclining couch, sat my mother.

She was sitting there in a green pullover sweater and a pair of pajama bottoms, with her brown hair hanging down over her shoulders and her legs propped up in the reclining position. When she saw us enter the room, her eyes lit up like diamonds, and she leapt out of the chair to come and meet us.

“Jacob!” Her voice was filled to the brim with joy, and a second later I found myself in a tight bear-hug. “This is a great surprise!”

“I’m glad to see you too, Mom,” I grunted through the powerful embrace.

She finally let me go, and I had to take a second to recapture my breath.

And I thought Azazel’s grip was strong.

“And who are these three gorgeous ladies?” Mom walked over and gave each of the succubi a hug as if they were her own children.

“They’re friends from school,” I lied.

“What are you doing back in Kansas City?” my dad asked. “I thought you were too busy with school and work and keeping Todd in line to make it back here?”

“Well,” I explained, “the girls and I are doing some traveling. One of my political science classes offered us an all-expenses-paid trip to Washington, D.C. as long as we provided for the travel costs. Hence, me and a couple of my buddies decided to carpool and split the cost. We were passing through, and I figured we could stop by and visit for a while before we continue on.”

“That’s marvelous!” Mom jumped up and down happily. “You know how happy it makes us when you come home.”

“We had no idea who pulled in.” Dad shook his head. “We didn’t recognize the black Jeep. Is that your car?”

“Yes, it is.” I grinned. “Jacob’s got a new set of wheels.”

“How on Earth did you get a new car?” My father was puzzled. “A month or two ago, you could barely afford to pay your half of the rent.”

“It’s a long story that all happened very quickly.” I laughed. “I got a new job which led to a huge increase in pay, which then let me afford a new car.”

“Oh?” Dad raised his eyebrow. “A new job? It better not involve Todd and the Devil’s Lettuce.”

I was sure it was taking every ounce of Todd’s willpower not to make a snarky comment, but the imp remained silent.

“Of course not, Dad,” I reassured him. “It’s this cushy pencil-pushing job in downtown Albuquerque. The professor at my night class introduced me to one of his contacts a week or so ago, and the rest is history. I feel like a real adult now, and that was part of the reason I wanted to visit; so I could tell you in person and not over the phone.”

“I’m proud of you, son.” Dad placed his hand on my shoulder. “I knew you would make it eventually, it was only a matter of time. You’ve always been destined for great things, Jacob.”

Oh, if he only knew the half of it.

“Well?” Mom cleared her throat. “Are you gonna introduce us to these lovely ladies?”

“Of course, Mom.” I motioned to the girls. “These are my friends, Sia, Liby, and Cupi,” I explained.

Dad went around and shook each of the succubi’s hands.

“Cupi?” he asked. “That’s a beautiful name that I’ve never heard before.”

“It’s Latin,” the fit blonde explained.

“Well, it’s nice to meet all of you.” Dad smiled. “You said you go to school with Jacob. What are you majoring in?”

“Business management,” Sia responded without missing a beat.

Cupi had to think for a second. “Political science, particularly involving warfare,” she said coyly.

“I’m studying fashion design.” Libidine grinned proudly.

“Those are all excellent choices,” my mom chimed in. “If you’re as great of students as Jacob is, then I’m sure you will go far in life.”

“Mom, you’re embarrassing me.” I chuckled.

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Jacob,” she said with a laugh and then motioned for us to follow. “We have a pull-out couch in the basement, right next to Jacob’s old room. I hope you girls don’t mind sleeping in the same bed.”

“Of course not,” Cupi said with a subtle grin.

We followed my mom down a set of wooden stairs to the basement.

This place used to be my “man cave” in high school, the place where Todd and I would hang out and play video games, or Dungeons and Dragons all night long or where I’d kick back and watch a movie while my parents were fast asleep.

“Here you go, guys,” Mom said as she flipped on the lights of my old room. “You four make yourself comfortable, and I’m gonna go make some of my homemade pasta! Have you girls ever had a home-cooked Italian dinner before?”

“I can’t say we have, Mrs. Ralston,” Sia answered.

“Then you’re in for a treat!” My mom smiled and then turned around to leave. “I’ll go get started, and I’ll have your father come get you when it’s ready. In the meantime, you guys just relax. I’m sure you’ve already had a long drive, and you’re gonna have another one tomorrow!”

“Thanks, Mom,” I grinned warmly as she left.

“Holyshitholyshitholyshit!” Todd’s voice couldn’t contain its excitement. “We’re gonna eat Mrs. Ralston’s cooking! Lord, take me now.”

“I was wondering how long before you’d crack,” I laughed, “but you’re right, Mom’s food is the fucking best.”

“Your parents are very kind,” Sia noted as she looked at the posters that were still hanging on my wall.

“We shouldn’t be surprised, Sister,” Libidine said softly. “Jacob is the kindest soul we’ve ever met. His parents surely played a big part in that.”

“Who is this ‘Juicy’ woman?” Cupiditas mused and pointed to a poster of a scantily clad supermodel sitting on top of a Mustang. “One of your old girlfriends?”

Todd burst out into uncontrollable laughter.

“He wishes!” the imp cackled. “The best thing Jakey here could snag in High School was the spawn of Satan herself.”

“Tamira?” Libidine asked.

“Shhhhhhhhhhh!” Todd stopped laughing. “Don’t say her name aloud. Some say that if you look in the mirror and say her name three times, she’ll appear in the darkness and nag you to death.”

“Nobody says that.” I rolled my eyes. “She was just a bitch.”

“Understatement of the year, bro,” Todd’s voice retorted. “Understatement of the fucking year.”

“Now I’m intrigued.” Sia placed her delicate hand on her chin.

“Sorry,” I said as I shook my head, “that’s a part of my past I’m not ready to grapple with yet.”

“Those memories should be locked away, and the key should be thrown into a deep, dark hole where nobody can ever find it,” Todd mused.

“Awwww,” Libidine purred. “Are these yours?”

I looked over to see that the curvy succubus was now standing by my old dresser. She had pulled open one of the drawers, and in her hand was a pair of my old boxer shorts. They had some famous comic strip character on the back, with the character’s face on the front and a hole where the nose should be.

I cringed at the sight of my teenage years.

“I thought it was funny.” I shrugged. “I did a lot of stupid shit back when I was a teenager.”

“You ‘did’ a lot of stupid shit?” Todd snickered.

“Hey, at least I’m not still wearing novelty boxers and hanging up supermodel posters or listening to goth screamo,” I pointed out.

“Goth screamo?” Cupi giggled.

“I really should learn to keep my mouth shut.” I shook my head and put my hand against my face in embarrassment.

“Oooh, I bet Jakey has some of his old CDs around here somewhere!” Todd’s voice exclaimed, and then I saw a few boxes from underneath my bed move out on their own.

And so, we hung around in my old room for about an hour and a half. Todd and I reminisced about all the trouble we got ourselves into when we were growing up, the succubi asked about a bunch of the embarrassing stuff they found from my teenage years, and we even put on a few tracks of the goth screamo CD we’d found under my bed.

Thankfully, it was just a few tracks.

“Hey, guysssss!” My dad’s voice rang out from the stairwell. “It’s time for dinner!”

“Oh shit,” Todd clapped his hands. “I get to eat Jacob’s mom--”

“Bro!” I hissed.

“--’s home cooking,” he finished in an offended tone.

“Oops.” I chuckled and then stood up and motioned for my friends to follow. “Well, let’s go, guys. It’s getting colder by the minute.”

The succubi rushed past me toward the stairs, and I followed closely behind them. We’d made it this far without spilling the beans, but the real test was yet to come.

Now, it was time to find out if we could keep this charade going all through dinner.

Chapter 9

“You know the low-down, bro,” Todd’s voice whispered to me as we walked down the hallway of my parent’s house. “You’re gonna slip me some of that incredilicious food underneath the table when your parents aren’t looking, and I’ll eat it all stealth-like. It’ll be like you’re a kid feeding the family dog.”

“Stealth-like?” I asked with a raised eyebrow. “I’ve seen how you eat. You’re about as subtle as a lawnmower.”

“Cross my heart and hope to-- Oh shit!” The imp chuckled. “I forgot I’m invisible. Just imagine that I’m doing the motion.”

“Don’t worry, Todd,” I reassured my friend, “I’ll make sure you get some. Mom makes so much food for these family dinners that she probably won’t even realize it’s gone.”

“If your mother is as good at choosing food as you are, Jacob, then we’re in for something else,” Sia said eagerly.

“Oh, trust me,” I said as I smiled at the redhead, “she’s even better.”

“There you guys are!” my mom greeted us as we entered into the dining room. “I thought it was gonna get cold before you ever got up here.”

Our round family dining table was usually only equipped to hold four people at a time. It was only my parents, my brother, and me in this house, so it was all we needed for the longest time. For special occasions where the Ralston household had company, the dark brown oaken table was expanded with a leaf to accommodate our visitors.

Today was one of those days.

As we approached the table, my nostrils were filled with the pleasant aroma of a home-cooked meal. All across the dining area were large bowls filled to the brim with pasta, meats, and sauces. It was almost like a family-style, build your own entree buffet.

“Goodness, Mom.” I laughed, put my hands on my hips, and whistled. “You’re really outdone yourself this time.”

“Well, I know how much you love my cooking.” She shrugged. “Besides, I wanted to treat your friends to a good ol’ fashioned Ralston family dinner. Do they even have good Italian food out in Albuquerque?”

“They’ve got some good restaurants, but nothing compares to your food,” I conceded.

My mom pointed at me with a wooden spoon and smiled. “Right answer.”

My parents sat down at their regular seats. Dad was at the head of the table, and Mom sat directly to his left. I plopped myself down onto the rickety wooden chair on the right of my father, and the succubi filled up the remaining seats. Todd, I assumed, was hiding somewhere underneath the table.

“Would you like to lead us in Grace, Jacob?” Dad asked. “You are our guest of honor.”

“Uh, sure,” I agreed.

Mom and Dad both closed their eyes and bowed their head, but the succubi looked at me quizzically.

“Just play along,” I mouthed silently to my friends.

“Jacob?” my dad asked and opened an eye in annoyance.

“Sorry about that.” I apologized and cleared my throat. “Dear Exalted One, we thank you for this glorious food and the bountiful feast that sits before us. We thank you for our friends, our family, and the cherished memories we shall make here on your creation. Amen.”

“Exalted One?” Mom asked. “Where on Earth did you hear him called that?”

“It’s a more accurate term.” I shrugged. “We learned it in one of my religion electives.”

“Alright then,” my dad said, still a little confused, “let’s dig in!”

First up was the age-old classic, spaghetti. The noodles themselves were store-bought, but they were the premium kind that had Italian seasoning and parsley baked right into the gourmet dough. As for the sauce, it was my mom’s special recipe, cooked and canned right here in her kitchen. The concoction was dark red, and the aromatic smell of tomatoes, garlic, and parmesan wafted off as I poured it onto my noodles.

“Is that sausage?” Libidine’s perky voice asked. “I love sausage!”

Oh no.

I slowly turned to look at the succubus who was now holding a half-sausage with her hand firmly gripped around the base. As much as I wanted to see what happened next, I really didn’t want it to happen in front of my parents.

“Why, yes, dear,” Mom explained, “but you’re going to want to mix that in with the rest of your pasta. Those are much too small to eat on their own.”

I heard Todd snickering from beneath the table, and I was sure he was thinking of some ridiculously dirty comment. I gave the imp a tiny nudge with my foot to remind him to keep quiet.

“Oh.” Libidine grinned. “Do forgive me. I’m used to eating ones that are much larger.”

“You know,” my Dad said with a chuckle, “if Jacob’s friend Todd were here, he’d probably have something very filthy to say about that. Have you three ever met Todd?”

“Of course we have,” Cupiditas said as a sly grin slid up her face. “How could we be friends with Jacob and not be familiar with the legendary Todd?”

“He’s such a sweet boy…” My mom smiled.

“Schwing!” I heard Todd whisper under the table.

“... but he’s got some… character issues, that’s for sure,” she added.

“Oh?” Cupi looked like she was holding back a laugh. “How so? He seemed like a normal guy to me.”

“Well, despite Jacob’s many denials in High School, I know he’s smoking the devil’s lettuce.” Mom took a puff of a pretend joint. “How could I not know? He reeked of the stuff twenty-four seven!”

“Then there’s all the stuff about conspiracies and the occult.” Dad rolled his eyes as he scooped some Alfredo sauce onto his plate. “I always wanted to offer him a tin-foil hat when he started talking about all that.”

“But he was always very kind and kinda awkward around me.” Mom chuckled as she reminisced about it.

“Yeah,” my Dad laughed. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Jacob’s friend had a crush on Mrs. Ralston!”

I could feel Todd tugging at my pant leg, and I was sure he wanted me to change the subject.

“Oh, Todd…” Dad shook his head. “What’s he up to these days, anyway?”

“He’s actually got a decent paying job right now,” I explained.

“Really?” My dad took a bite of his pasta, chewed and swallowed, and then leaned forward with curiosity. “What kind of work does he do? Hopefully not drug dealing.”

“No, no,” I scoffed. “He’s in… management. At a really popular local nightclub. And he does a little bit of extermination on the side.”

Dad leaned back with a look of bewilderment on his face. “Well, I’ll be damned.” He clicked his tongue. “I never would have pegged Todd for the management type, but good for him!”

Landmines dodged, I finally took a bite of my spaghetti, and the flavors nearly knocked me out of my seat.

The sauce was the perfect mixture of garlic, oregano, and Italian seasoning, with just a hint of red pepper to give it a little kick. I could feel the chunks of tomato in the sauce, but they only acted as a counter to the buttery-smooth noodles they were mixed with.

I made a sound of satisfaction and then swallowed the spaghetti down my gullet.

Libidine had heeded my mom’s advice and mixed together the small Italian sausages into her fettuccine Alfredo. The curvy succubus picked up a forkful of the pasta, examined it for a moment, and then quickly shoved it into her mouth. Liby’s eyes fluttered happily as she chewed and then swallowed.

“Oh my, Mrs. Ralston,” she nearly moaned. “This is delicious!”

“I’m glad you like it, Liby.” Mom nodded. “If you liked that, you need to make sure to try some of my ravioli.”

While my parents were locked in conversation with Libidine, I slowly lowered my plate with the spaghetti down to where Todd could reach it. After that, it all happened so fast. There was a slight tug as the plate was ripped from my grasp, a muffled slurping sound, and then the dish was right back in my hand mere seconds after it had left.

I brought the plate back up to the top of the table and began to refill it with more food.

“What… is… this?” Cupiditas was staring down at the bowl full of manicotti tubes that my mom had just handed her.

“My world-famous manicotti!” Mom grinned.

The blonde succubus picked up one of the pieces of the dish, and my stomach instantly started growling. Even from all the way across the table, I could see the chunky, creamy ricotta dripping out from the handmade tube of pasta. Unlike the spaghetti noodles, my mom had surely made these completely by hand.

Cupi’s eyes were as big as saucers as she marveled at the manicotti in her hand. The succubus raised the food to her mouth and opened wide to take it all in. However, instead of taking a bite of the cheese-filled tube, Cupi closed her lips around the end and started to suck all the filling out. It was all but gone in a few seconds, and then the succubus used her tongue to clean out the remaining bits with laser-like precision. Finally, she put both hands around the end of the manicotti and inhaled the shell into her mouth with a single gulp.

“So, uh, where did you girls say you were from again?” my dad asked after he cleared his throat.

“We’re from Texas,” Sia said as she joined the conversation. The redheaded succubus had been pushing her food around on her plate the entire meal, but she had yet to eat anything.

“Texas.” My dad nodded. “I never would have guessed. You don’t have accents at all.”

I laughed. “Dad, not everyone from Texas sounds like a cowboy.”

“Of course not,” he snorted and then turned back to Sia. “So, are you all finishing up your degrees at Mardsen University too?”

Sia didn’t appear to know what to say, so I shot her a subtle nod.

“Yes.” She smiled. “The three of us were all good friends before we met Jacob and Todd, but now our friend group is growing.”

“All thanks to a political science class,” Cupiditas added. “Who would have thought?”

As the succubi continued to distract my parents, I slipped Todd down a plate of manicotti. The food was gone in an instant, and then the imp let out a massive, Earth-shattering burp.

The entire room went silent, and both my parents and the succubi turned to look at me.

“Uh, sorry.” I chuckled awkwardly. “I didn’t think it was going to be that loud.”

“We raised you better than that, Jacob,” my mom scolded, “and in the presence of such beautiful ladies. Tsk, tsk.”

“It’s alright, Mrs. Ralston.” Libidine giggled. “You know, it’s considered a compliment in some countries to belch after you’ve eaten your meal.”

“You’ve traveled abroad?” Dad asked in disbelief.

My father turned to me and gave my shoulder a playful punch.

“Jacob, you’d better grab onto one of these girls, and fast,” he quipped. “I don’t think you’re ever gonna find somebody this great again in your life!”

If only he knew.

I shook my head and grinned. “We’re just friends,” I lied. “Besides, I don’t need relationship advice, Dad. I think I’m good on my own.”

“You sure about that?” he asked with a raised eyebrow. “How’s Tamira working out for you?”

Cupi was taking a drink, and she nearly did a spit-take when she heard what my dad had said.

“Low blow,” I joked through gritted teeth. “Low. Blow.”

“I’m just sayin’.” Dad shrugged. “A great partner is hard to come by. Take your mother over there, for example. We were ‘just friends’ at one point, too. If we hadn’t gone to David’s party--”

“Is this really appropriate talk when company is around?” I asked coyly.

“Just making small talk.” Dad shrugged and passed me the bowl of ravioli.

I glanced down at the small pockets of dough packed to the brim with unseen goodies and smothered with a saucy pesto rub.

“Is this the ravioli?” I asked eagerly.

Mom grinned and nodded. “This is Jacob’s favorite,” she explained to the girls. “It’s very difficult to make by hand, so I would only make it once or twice a year. And Jacob always wanted it on his birthday.”

“Because it’s the greatest food on this entire planet!” I agreed.

“I figured since you gave your father and me such a nice surprise, it was only fair that we returned the favor.” My mom shrugged.

I picked up six or seven pieces of the ravioli with a pair of metal tongs, and then I passed the bowl down so that everyone else could try some. It may have simply been a pasta dish, but to me, it was almost better than sex.

Almost.

I forked one of the pesto-covered pockets, and instantly some of the creamy ricotta oozed out from underneath the utensil’s prongs. I raised the ravioli to my mouth, took a bite, and savored it. Along with the subtle-yet-flavorful cheese, the hand-tossed dough was filled with a sauteed mushroom that had been smothered with garlic butter. The texture wasn’t rubbery like a typical mushroom dish, but rather tender, so much so that it felt like it was melting right in my mouth.

“These are amazing!” Cupiditas sounded like she was about to have a food orgasm.

“They are quite marvelous,” Superbia said with an impressed tone. “I can see why Jacob plays them up so much.”

The tugging at my pant leg was now growing more and more desperate, but I ignored it as I gulped down four more of the delicious morsels. Finally, once my parents were distracted, I lowered down the plate so that Todd could enjoy a couple of the ravioli pieces.

From underneath the table, there came a sound similar to a dog thumping its foot on the ground.

My dad looked completely confused for a moment, and then he reached down and peeked underneath the tablecloth. His head was under there for a moment or two, but then he came back up and shrugged.

Thank God for Todd’s invisibility powers.

We continued to chat and eat for another hour or so. My parents told embarrassing stories about Todd and me when we were children and teens, and the succubi continued to make up intricate details about their human lives.

Apparently, the girls were all best friends in high school who were also in cheerleading together. Cupiditas was a star player on the softball team, and Sia was the head of the debate club. Libidine didn’t seem to care much for extracurriculars, but she talked a lot about how she owned a horse and could ride like a champion.

It took all my willpower not to make a comment on that one.

Finally, all the grub was gone, and we all looked like we were about to fall into a food coma.

“What are you guys going to do for the rest of the night?” my mom asked groggily.

“Well, if any of us can still move after gorging ourselves, I thought I might take these girls around town,” I suggested. “Maybe show them some of my old stomping grounds?”

“That sounds like an excellent idea!” Libidine grinned. “I’d love to get to know the mind of teenage Jacob.”

“I think your mother and I are going to hit the hay early.” Dad yawned. “We can clean up all these dishes in the morning. It’s already ten o’clock, and that’s like, two in the morning for us old people.”

“You’re fifty-one, Dad.” I chuckled. “That’s just barely middle-aged.”

“See, you tell me one thing, but my aching back tells me something else entirely.” He stood up and patted me on the shoulder as he lumbered off. “See you in the morning, kiddo. Have fun with your friends.”

“Now I really do feel like I’m back in high school,” I said with a grin. “Good night, Dad.”

“Are you heading out tomorrow?” my mom asked as she stood up and grabbed her plate. “I know you still have quite a drive to get to D.C.”

“Probably,” I nodded, “but not first thing in the morning. You know that I’m not an early riser.”

“No, you never were.” Mom chuckled and then started to walk out of the dining room. “Have a good night, Jacob… but not too good of a night. I don’t want to see you all on the eleven o’clock news tomorrow.”

“Good night!” I called out.

“Brooooo,” Todd’s voice rang out from under the table. “That shit was delicious.”

“Todd’s not dead,” I joked.

“You have no idea how hard that was,” the imp complained as he slid out one of the chairs. “Not talking for nearly two whole hours? That ain’t natural for the Toddster.”

“It must have been torture,” I agreed.

“So what are these ‘old stomping grounds’ that you’re referring to?” Sia asked curiously.

“I can answer that!” Todd exclaimed. “Jakey and I used to go to this sweet-ass park only a few miles from here. We’d always sneak out of the house, go out there, and get high. Some of our greatest philosophical debates happened at that place, dudettes.”

“It’s also gorgeous at night,” I added. “It’s far enough out from the city that you can see all the stars, but it’s still close enough that you can get a beautiful view of the skyline.”

“Oh no,” Todd mused. “You guys are totally gonna bang out there, aren’t you?”

“I mean-- It’s a romantic spot.” I shrugged. “I was just planning on showing the succubi around, but what happens, happens.”

“Romantic spot?” Todd laughed. “We were out there all the time, and you never tried to bang me. No homo, of course.”

“I think this may be a teensy-tiny bit of a different situation, Todd.” I laughed.

“Oh well,” the imp conceded, “I’m still coming along. I can go off and smoke and have deep conversations by myself if you decide to do the ol’ in-out in-out.”

“In-out in-out?” Liby asked.

“You know…” Todd’s voice started.

One of the remaining manicotti tubes lifted up into the air, and then an empty glass rose up beside it. Todd made the pasta enter the open end of the cup, pulled it out quickly, and then continued the motion until Libidine threw her hand up to make him stop.

“I get it, Todd,” she got out in between giggles.

“Here.” I stood up and motioned to the girls’ plates. “I’ll toss these in the dishwasher and meet you out by Shadow. Then we can head out.”

The succubi reached out to pass me the dishes, but I waved them off.

“Allow me.” I smirked and summoned green Hellfire into my hands.

I surrounded the remaining dirty dishes with jade embers and lifted them up into the air. Then, I made my way through the threshold of the dining room and into the kitchen as I whistled a happy tune. I turned around, concentrated on the glowing plates and slowly moved my right hand so that it was pointing toward the sink. As I did so, the dishes levitated through the air until they were just above the chrome cubby in my parents’ countertop. I lowered the dishes into the sink as quietly as I could and then brushed my hands together in satisfaction.

I closed my eyes and started to think about one of the most disgusting things I could possibly imagine. Something that had been part of our dinner conversation. Someone I never wanted to see again, my ex, Tamira. I thought about her stupid fake tan, her bulbous lips, and the limp-fish way she’d lay there while we had sex.

Once I was good and disgusted, I pictured the car keys that I’d left down in my old room, and how they could easily end up in my hand. Not a second later, I felt a small, cold metal piece appear in my hand. I’d just teleported my keys into my hand without knowing exactly where they were.

I was getting good at this shit.

And now? It was hopefully time to go and grow my connection with these beautiful women.

Chapter 10

“It’s gonna be just like the good ol’ days, bro,” Todd mused as we pulled up to the dark gates of the nature park. “We can sneak in after hours, smoke a few joints, shoot the shit, and then crash under the stars.”

“Don’t forget about getting shitfaced,” I said with a chuckle.

“And fornicating,” Sia added.

“I might just sit that part out,” Todd gagged.

Our old stomping grounds were only about twenty minutes north of my parent’s house, on the outskirts of the K.C. metropolitan area. Todd and I had made the drive so many times that it was still practically ingrained in my muscle memory, and I basically auto-piloted through the entire journey. The only time I actually had to focus was when we stopped by a local liquor store and bought up what felt like their entire stock of beer.

You couldn’t go out into the woods with your friends in the middle of the night and not bring beer.

“It looks like they’re closed,” Libidine observed sadly as our headlights illuminated the empty service windows and the large mechanical arm that blocked the road.

“Never stopped us before.” I chuckled and rolled down the window of Shadow. “Fuck, now that I’ve got my demon powers, we’re not even gonna have to hop the fence!”

I reached down into my deepest emotions and summoned emerald flames into my hand. Then, I aimed my spell out the window and sent a wave of jade fire hurling into the barrier. Slowly, I raised my left hand into the air, and the muted yellow arm followed suit. Once Shadow was through the gate, I used my powers to lower it back down as if nothing had happened.

“Show off.” Cupi giggled. “I remember a time when you struggled to teleport even a simple thing like Todd. You were afraid you were gonna lose him and that he was going to be trapped in Purgatory or some alternate dimension until the end of time.”

“What now?” The imp sounded confused and horrified at the same time.

“When Jacob was first learning his powers,” Liby explained. “You were the very first thing he teleported. Don’t you remember?”

“I’m gonna be honest with you, Lib,” Todd began with a chuckle “eighty percent of my life is a baked-out blur, so probably not. I don’t even think I could tell you what we had for breakfast this morning.”

We traveled through the winding, pitch-black roads of the woods for a few miles until our surroundings finally grew familiar. I turned the wheel of Shadow, and the vehicle lurched onto a man-made gravel pull-off just to the right of the main road.

“You sure this is the place, Jakey?” Todd asked.

I rolled down all four of the Jeep Wrangler’s windows. “It sure is. Listen.”

The Missouri woods were fairly silent. Only the sounds of cicadas and the occasional croaking frog resonated off the trees and reverberated through the forest. However, the white noise was also joined by the sound of running water off in the distance.

I opened the door of Shadow and slid out of the vehicle. As I walked back to the rear of the Jeep, I took in all the sights and sounds around us.

The air was crisp and cool on this beautiful night, and the temperature was perfectly mild against my exposed skin. All around us stood large sour gum trees that stretched out as far as the eye could see, and the ground of the forest was completely littered with freshly fallen leaves. Up in the sky, a full moon shone brightly and helped illuminate the landscape.

I popped open the tailgate on the Jeep Wrangler and then began to rummage through the assorted junk Todd had put in the back. Being the badass demon hunters we were, the five of us were constantly on the road. This meant that Shadow had to act as not only our vehicle but also as a makeshift bed and a traveling closet.

“Bro,” I clicked my tongue as I rifled through the piles of random items, “I thought you said you were gonna clean this out? What even is half this stuff?”

“I did clean it out!” Todd protested as he made his way back to where I stood. “Every single thing that’s in that hatch is essential to our demon-hunting mission.”

I pulled out an old comic book from the eighties, held it up so the imp could see it, and then raised my eyebrow in challenge.

“That’s The Demon Slayer, bro,” he explained. “Where do you think I get so many of my badass ideas?”

“Uh huh,” I grunted and then went back to the pile.

This time I pulled out an old phone book that looked like it had been run through a shredder.

Todd crossed his arms. “Just in case we break down, and I need a place to sleep for the night,” he mused.

“And this?” I asked as I held up a single black sock. “How could this possibly be useful?”

“Kenjataimu,” the imp said with a shrug.

It took me a moment to understand what my friend was saying, but the horrifying realization slowly overtook my entire soul. I didn’t want this thing in my hand a second longer, so I tossed it away back into the pile in disgust. Quickly, I summoned a bout of red Hellfire around my fists.

“Sanitizer,” I said to the succubi, who had just gotten out of the vehicle and were making their way back to help.

“Jakey just touched my jizz rag,” the imp cackled. “You shoulda seen the look on his face!”

“Why would you need a rag for your jizz?” Cupiditas asked confusedly.

Todd and I looked at each other as we tried to process the succubus’ question.

“I always just swallow it.” She shrugged. “Or let it fill up my--”

“Does this dudette not know what choking the chicken is?” Todd asked in disbelief. “I seriously think she doesn’t understand the concept of spankin’ the monkey.”

“Cupi,” I chuckled awkwardly, “that thing isn’t for sex.”

The fit blonde still looked confused, so Sia stepped in.

“You must understand Cupiditas’ roots, Jacob,” the madame explained. “She wasn’t always one of us, remember? The Divine look at human sexuality in a completely different way than we demons do.”

“So let me get this straight.” Todd tapped his right horn as he spoke. “You’re trying to tell us that Cupi doesn’t know what it means to slap one out because she didn’t have proper sex ed up in Heaven?”

“Does that surprise you?” Sia asked.

“Nothing surprises us anymore,” the imp noted.

“We were always taught that sex was something to be avoided, for both legal and moral reasons,” Cupiditas started. “It’s why I ended up falling, remember? I got a taste of the forbidden fruit, and I loved it.”

“The Divine really gotta get another way to test temptation.” Todd snickered. “The whole ‘forbidden fruit’ thing always comes back to bite them in the ass every time.”

“Everything I know, I learned on the job.” The blonde shrugged. “This ‘choking the chicken’ you speak of is something I’ve never encountered.”

“I intentionally left those sorts of things out of my lessons while teaching the Circle of Sin,” Sia chimed in. “We’re all succubi. If we’re being summoned to watch somebody pleasure themselves, then we’ve already been wasted. Besides, it’s something a demon should discover themselves, anyway.”

“If Cupi’s discovering how to whack herself off, I think Jakey’s got bigger problems.” Todd held back a laugh.

“Well, this conversation has been enlightening.” I laughed as I pulled Todd’s “reggae blanket” out of the vehicle. “As much as I would love for it to continue, we should probably head back to our spot.”

“I’ll grab the beverages!” Libidine exclaimed.

The succubus summoned green flames into her hand and then aimed at the cases of beer in the back of the Jeep. One by one, they were surrounded by a brilliant emerald light and lifted up as if they were connected to a stage wire.

“Alright.” I double-checked our supplies. “We’ve got a blanket, we’ve got beer, and we’ve got some candles--”

“And I’ve got some California Emerald Oxygen.” Todd patted the tiny weed-filled baggie in his hand. “This is grade-A shit.”

“What’s that thing in your hand?” Cupiditas asked the imp. “Is it some sort of ceremonial horn?”

Todd looked down at the glass bong he was holding in his hand. The entire thing was made of glass, and it was molded to look like a miniature devil. It looked like the weed would sit in a small cup the creature held in its hand, and you could smoke it using the demon’s “tail.”

“A ceremonial horn,” Todd chuckled, “I like that. I’ll totally call it that if we get pulled over and the officer checks our trunk.”

“I think it’s for Todd’s little green treat, sister,” Libidine explained. “I think it’s a pipe of some sort.”

“Dingdingding, Lib is a winner!” The imp jumped up and down and then extended the pipe to the curvy woman. “You win this shiny, top-of-the-line, oh-so-appropriate demon bong! Of course, for promotional purposes, we have to call it a ‘water pipe’ here in the state of Missouri.”

“I think Liby’s hands are full, Todd.” I nodded to the floating beer cases.

“Nonsense,” Todd argued. “Watch this.”

The imp let out a small grunt as he tossed the crystal bong up into the air.

“Todd, I can’t--” the dark-haired succubus’ eyes widened in panic.

Libidine tried to catch the bong with her emerald flames, but she had to turn back to the beer cases the second she realized she couldn’t hold both items. The bong floated through the sky and then crashed onto the ground with a loud crack.

“What have I done?” Todd gasped and ran over to his prized possession. “First Lola, now Chester?”

“You named your bong Chester?” I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“He looks like a Chester, okay?” Todd shot back.

The imp picked up the demon “water pipe” and assessed the damage. Despite its delicate nature, it hadn’t appeared to have been shattered from the fall. Todd whimpered and held up the broken-off tail that acted as the pipe’s mouthpiece.

“This was the most important part, too.” He sighed.

Sia walked over to the imp and patted him lovingly on the head. “Don’t be sad, Todd,” she comforted her friend. “My powers work on non-human objects, as well.”

The tiny redhead placed her delicate hand on the broken bong and lit it up with a spell of golden flames.

As the fire danced happily around the pipe, it reflected off the glass surface and lit up the surrounding area. The area around the broken stub of a pipe liquefied and then slowly began to grow and extend until it was back to its normal length. Finally, the liquid glass cinched together, and Todd’s bong was fully repaired. In fact, it was even better than repaired. The entire glass piece was now shiny and pristine as if the imp had just bought it and taken it out of the package.

Todd looked up at Sia, and for once in his life, it appeared as if he was speechless. A wide grin spread across the imp’s face, and then he hopped to his feet and wrapped his arms gleefully around the redheaded madame’s leg.

“I’d like to reiterate that you’re my favorite succubus,” Todd mused.

“How does that work?” I asked curiously. “Healing inorganic material?”

Sia shrugged. “It is ancient magic taken from the pits of Hell, Jacob,” she explained. “Don’t think too hard about it.”

“Right.” I started off into the trees with the Jamaican flag-colored blanket draped over my shoulder. With each step, the distinct stench of stale reefer smoke filled my nostrils, probably residue built up from years’ worth of heavy use. From behind, the sound of crunching leaves told me that the succubi and Todd had followed my lead.

We continued back into the forest, back toward the sound of the rushing water in the distance. After about ten minutes of walking, we finally came upon the familiar clearing that I had frequented as a teen.

“Oh, Jacob, it’s beautiful,” Libidine gasped.

“See?” I shot the succubus a knowing smile. “Sometimes I do know what I’m talking about.”

The floor of the clearing was completely covered by leaves and other kindling, but the distinct lack of trees and the miniature rushing river told us that we had found our spot. Just off to the northwest of the clearing was what Todd liked to call “the gusher,” a miniature waterfall that was created when the river experienced a small drop-off in its path. The cascading falls only came up to about my knees, but the sound made for a great ambiance.

Also, it was just loud enough that nobody could hear you shooting the shit with your drunken buddy or fucking your girlfriend. It was the perfect spot for a little rest and relaxation.

I started to kick around at the dead leaves to clear a place for our blanket while Libidine looked around for a place to set the floating beer.

“Right over there, Liby,” I said and pointed to a dead stump that was jutting out from underneath the forest covering. “That’s the alcohol stump.”

The dark-haired succubus slowly lowered the glowing cases of alcohol down into place and then released her spell.

“The alcohol stump?” She laughed. “You two really do have this place all figured out, don’t you?”

“Lib,” Todd said as he picked at his tooth with a tiny claw, “this was nearly every weekend for Jakey and me back in the day. We’ve had some good times back here in these woods.”

“They weren’t all good,” I reminded him. “Some were incredible. Remember that party we had Senior year?”

“How could I forget?” The imp grinned. “That was one of the rare times the Toddster was a triple-threater.”

“A triple-threater?” Sia asked.

“Yup,” Todd continued. “It’s when you’re stoned, trashed, and tripping all at the same time!”

“I still don’t think that’s physically possible.” I shook my head. “The science just doesn’t--”

“Nneeeeeeerrrrrdddd!” the imp cut me off with the wave of his hand. “I was a triple-threater that night, bro. Trust me on this one.”

“Crack me open one of those beers, Liby,” Cupiditas interrupted and stuck out her hand.

The dark-haired succubus used her telekinetic magic to rip a can out of the box and then toss it over to her sister.

Cupi threw up her left hand as the beer passed over her head and caught it nonchalantly. The succubus pulled it down in front of her face, cracked open the tab, and was then met with a spray of foam from the shaken-up beverage. She slammed her lips down against the edge of the can and furiously began to suck up all the foamy liquid before it could pour out onto the ground.

“She really knows how to go about sucking on that head, eh?” Todd said and then nudged the side of my leg.

I looked down at the imp who slapped both his tiny mitts on his cheeks and recoiled in horror.

“Did I just set Jakey up for a succubus sex joke?” he asked himself as he started to put a few shakes of his weed into the pipe’s downstem. “What kind of a monster have I become? I’m gonna need to get reallll nice and calm if I don’t want that to happen again. Hey Jakey, could you--”

“Way ahead of you, buddy,” I noted. “Are you sure you want to use stream water?”

“Bro,” Todd shook his head and slapped his potbelly, “I’ve never really given a shit about what goes into my body. Now that I’ve got this gullet of steel? Bring it on.”

I raised one arm toward the river, and the other toward Todd’s bong. My hands lit up with telekinetic green fire, and I used my spell to create an interdimensional portal between the two objects. The water cascaded out of the glowing jade portal and filled up Todd’s pipe.

“When, bro,” the imp laughed, and I cut off the flow. “You know, other demons probably use their Hellfire to destroy buildings and burn people to death and take over the world. Yet here we are, using our mystical magic to fill up a bong.”

“Don’t act like you’d have it any other way,” Sia joked. “I haven’t been around you for that long, but even I understand how much you love your sweet leaf.”

“Am I really that predictable?” The imp summoned a small ball of red Hellfire into his hand and then stuck it up to the bowl of the pipe.

There was a gurgling sound as the imp took a hit from the demon-themed pipe. Todd tossed back his head, exhaled a puff of smoke, and then let out a sigh of pleasure.

“That’s the shit,” he mused.

“Beer me, Liby!” I called out happily to the succubus.

Libidine grinned and then used her powers to throw a can my way.

I caught it with my own telekinetic fire, cracked it open, and then poured it down into my throat.

The drink was very light, very foamy, and very, very yeasty. It wasn’t my favorite, but it would do the trick. Despite the fact that we still had a lot of Robert Quinn’s money, the five of us wanted to party, and we wanted to get good and fucked up.

The best way to do that was to drink a fuckton of cheap beer.

The five of us spent the next few hours downing beers and talking tipsy topics as we sat on the large reggae blanket. At one point, Todd started to go on a rant about UFOs, but even the succubi were quick to shut him down on that one.

I’d drank about six or seven cans of beer on my own, and I was really starting to feel it. The edges of my vision were starting to blur, my head was spinning, and I had started to slur my words.

Yep, that cheap shit had done the trick.

Meanwhile, Todd looked like a mess. He was laying at the edge of the blanket spread-eagle, and his body looked like it was completely paralyzed, only moving to inhale and exhale. The imp’s demon bong was lying on its long end beside him, and beer cans surrounded his passed-out figure. It almost looked like Todd was making a drunken beer-angel.

The succubi were all total lightweights. Cupi and Liby were cackling loudly at each other’s jokes, even the ones that weren’t that clever or funny. Sia remained dead silent, but she was also stumbling around the clearing. The only time the redhead made a sound was when she tripped over a fallen tree branch, smacked into the ground, and then began to laugh hysterically.

Eventually, the three succubi and I ended up laying together on the blanket. All three of the girls were snuggled up against me. Cupi and Sia were both right on my chest, and Libidine was playfully caressing Cupi’s golden hair as we looked up at the stars.

“You know, Jacob,” Cupi sighed. “Sometimes I wish you had turned down this whole ‘demon hunter’ gig. As much as I fucking love to kick ass and take names, the more time we spend fighting the forces of darkness, the less time we get for stuff like this.”

“That’s just the alcohol talking.” I laughed and ran my hand through the succubus’ hair.

“I agree with Cupiditas,” Sia added. “This is a great moment, and I don’t want it to ever end. I wish we could do this kind of thing every single day.”

“You don’t get it, sisters,” Libidine said firmly. “That is why we are fighting. Now, more than ever, the forces of darkness are gathering and preparing to launch an assault on the Divine. If they win, everybody loses. They’ll kill Jacob and Todd, take us back to Hell, and enslave every mortal on Earth until the end of time. As much as I’d love to simply lay here with my best friends and keep having a good time, we cannot ignore our destiny.”

“Destiny?” Cupiditas let out a mixture between a laugh and a slur and then rolled over so that she could face her sister. “Listen to this, Liby gets a few drinks in her, and suddenly, she gets all self-righteous and starts talking about things like ‘destiny’ and the difference between ‘good and evil.’”

“And it’s rich to hear you lecture me, Cupi,” Libidine snuggled closer to her friend. “Coming from the succubus who’s literally been on both sides.”

“What can I say?” Cupiditas said smugly. “I swing both ways.”

“I already knew that,” Liby cooed, and then pulled Cupi in for a kiss.

The two succubi made out passionately as they ran their hands lovingly across each other’s faces. Libidine suddenly rolled over and jerked the blonde’s body up on top of her as their tongues continued to explore each other’s mouths.

“I see you’re enjoying the show, Jacob,” Sia purred into my ear.

I was rock hard from watching the beautiful women make out, and my erection was threatening to burst through the seam of my pants.

“I can help you out with that,” the tiny redhead whispered, and then her hand began to slide slowly down my chest.

The madame’s palm glided under the waistband of my pants and my underwear, and then I felt her soft grip wrap around my cock. Sia bit her lip and let out a small gasp as she felt up my erection.

“It feels bigger than usual,” she marveled as her large violet eyes lit up.

“Well, I mean…” I nodded to the two succubi who were rolling around on top of each other.

“Don’t worry, love,” the redhead cooed, “they’ll let you join them soon enough… but for now, you’re all mine.”

Sia began to move her hand up and down, jerking my dick delicately as she stared deeply into my eyes. The madame used her free hand to tug the top of her dress off her shoulders and expose her beautiful red nipples. Each one stood erect atop her petite, perky breasts, and she started to run her slender fingers across them playfully. Sia leaned in closer for the kiss, but I put my hand up to stop her.

“Wait,” I warned. “We can’t just fuck while Todd is laying there passed out.”

“Why not?” The redhead pouted.

“Because it’s fucking weird,” I explained. “Give me, like, two seconds. You don’t even have to move your hand.”

“Oh, I’m not letting you go anywhere.” The redhead’s eyes narrowed.

I awkwardly reached my hand over the two sexy succubi beside me and shot a quick beam of green fire at the sleeping imp.

Todd snored louder when the blast hit him, but he didn’t stir.

I closed my eyes, pictured the black leather interior of Shadow, and thought about how I needed to get Todd out of here as soon as humanly possible. The imp vanished in a flash, and I hoped that he made it to his destination.

I didn’t get to think about it for too long because the second Todd was out of sight I felt Sia’s tender fingers caressing my cheek.

“Now, where were we?” she asked seductively.

The succubus turned my head back around so that I was facing her, and then she pulled me in close. Sia’s sweet red lips pressed passionately against mine, and she slipped her tongue into my mouth as we kissed intensely.

I ran my hand up the redhead’s smooth legs, up past her thigh, and then inserted two fingers inside of her. Even though we had only been at it for a few moments, she was ridiculously wet.

Sia gasped at my action and then moaned loudly when I reached my thumb up to rub her clitoris at the same time.

“Excuse me?” I heard Cupiditas ask from behind us.

Sia pulled away and shot the blonde a dirty look. “You two were having so much fun together. We would have hated to interrupt you.”

“The more, the merrier,” Cupi said as I felt her tender hands begin to tug off my shirt. At the same time, another set of hands started to pull at my pants.

I slid my fingers out of Sia and allowed the other two succubi to take off my clothes. A few seconds later, I laid back on the blanket, completely naked in the middle of the forest.

The entire time, Sia made sure that she didn’t release her grip on my erection, not even for a second. She looked up at Cupi and Liby with a playful gleam in her eyes.

“I was here first, Sisters,” she grinned, “and that means I get to go first.”

“I’m not worried.” Cupi shrugged as she tugged off her own dress to reveal her slim, athletic body.

“Neither am I,” Libidine added and released her massive breasts. “You’ll have to let go at some point. Unless you’re going to fuck him completely clothed.”

Sia clicked her tongue at the curvy succubus’ words. “You girls apparently still have a lot to learn,” she retorted. “I’ve got all I need right here.”

The redhead shook her tiny breasts at the other succubi, raised her free hand into the air, and then gently started rubbing its open palm along my balls.

I groaned intensely at her touch, and Sia giggled.

“You’re lucky I’m not the Sister of Greed, girls,” she smiled. “I could easily get him off right here and now, but what fun would that be? I’m merely getting him started for the three of us.”

“Let me help!” Libidine giggled.

The next thing I knew, I saw Libidine’s leg lift up over my head, and then the succubus’ inviting pussy was staring me back in the face.

Instinctively, my tongue shot out and began licking her sensually. The succubus tasted distinctly sweet, and her tightening grip on my hair told me she was enjoying this as much as I was.

Below, the petite madame was joined by her sister. Sia’s hand continued to stroke my dick while Cupiditas’ slender fingers ran tenderly along my shaft and balls.

“I think we’ve teased him enough, Cupiditas,” I heard the madame say slyly. “Remind him of what that mouth of yours can do.”

I felt the warm sensation of the blonde succubus’ mouth as it slowly lowered itself down onto my throbbing erection. The feeling was so intensely pleasurable that, for a moment, I nearly forgot what I was doing with my tongue.

Another moan from Libidine made me quickly remember.

Cupiditas continued to suck my cock for another minute or two as she edged me closer and closer to the brink. In the meantime, Sia began to kiss her way up my body, starting from just above my pubic bone and continuing all the way up to where Libidine was positioned.

From where I was laying, I saw the madame’s hands wrap around Libidine’s curvy body.

Sia used one hand to rub the thick and perky nipple on Libidine’s left breast while her other reached down for the slit between her legs. The redhead started to massage at Liby’s clit vigorously at the same time that I went into double time.

The curvy succubus started to quiver, and loud moans of pleasure escaped her mouth in heated gasps.

Sia moved her left hand up to Liby’s cheek and then kissed her partner.

I was already on the verge, but now it was taking every ounce of my strength to keep from blowing in Cupi’s mouth. I kept myself in check and kept forging ahead.

Soon, Libidine’s thighs tensed up around my cheeks, and I felt her entire body tremble as she orgasmed. The succubus heaved and nearly fell over as Sia helped her stand up.

“I don’t think I can walk,” the dark-haired woman wheezed and sat down on the blanket beside me.

“Don’t give up yet, sister,” Sia urged Liby onward. “We wouldn’t want Cupi reaping the reward for our hard-earned efforts, would we?”

Cupiditas stopped sucking for a second and looked up at her sisters stubbornly.

“If you think you can do better, I’d love to see you try,” she dared the redhead.

Sia crawled over on her hands and knees so that she was beside Cupi and then playfully shoved the blonde.

“Challenge accepted,” the redhead purred as she took my erection in her hands.

Sia made sure that she kept her violet eyes locked with mine the entire time as she began to tease the tip of my dick with her tongue. When she heard my moan of delight, she smiled, quickly shoved the entirety of my cock into her mouth, and made a gagging sound as I felt the tip of my penis touch the back of her throat.

“Holy fuck.” Cupiditas’ eyes grew wide as she watched her sister go.

“Stop showing off,” Libidine huffed and then walked back over behind Sia. “I think Superbia can still go deeper, don’t you think, Cupi?”

Cupi and Liby locked eyes, put their hands on the back of Sia’s crimson hair, and then gave it a shove.

Somehow, some way, the madame went down even further.

“I think I’m gonna--” I started, but then Sia quickly pulled herself up.

“Oh no…” the madame teased. “Not yet you’re not.”

Sia looked over at her sisters and then motioned for Libidine to step up.

“Cupiditas got to do this last time, so I’ll let you do the honors this time.” The redhead winked.

Libidine’s legs must have still been weak because Sia and Cupi had to help her stand up. The curvy woman straddled me for a second, and then she brought down her luscious pussy lips down onto my cock.

“Oh!” She gasped. “Maybe I could have another one!”

The dark-haired succubus arched her body backward to further accentuate her massive breasts and began to grind up and down. At the same time Liby rode me, both of the other succubi used their tongues to tease at her nipples.

Liby’s moans grew louder and louder, and I kept getting closer and closer to the edge.

Finally, the curvy succubus bent down and pressed her lips against mine, all the while continuing to ride me.

This was it. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I let out an intense moan and dug my fingers deep into Liby’s ass as I released my warm cum inside of her.

“No fair,” Cupiditas pouted from below. “Libidine took it all!”

“We’ll get it next time, sister,” Sia reassured her friend, “and by that, I mean right now.”

The redheaded madame wrapped her hand around the base of my diminishing erection and leaned in close.

“Cupiditas deserves some too, no?” she cooed as she looked up at me with her large violet eyes.

I could feel my dick begin to throb at the succubi’s words.

Sia’s warm tongue then inched out of her mouth and began to lick its way around my cock. The redhead went to town, lapping up any remaining cum and juices from Liby’s wet pussy.

I was rock hard again in a matter of seconds.

Sia gave me a look of satisfaction, wrapped her thin lips around the head of my dick, and shoved the whole thing into her throat. When the succubus finally came up for air, she playfully waved my cock back and forth like a joystick.

“That’s quite tasty,” she said as she licked her lips as her eyes darted over to Libidine. “I want more.”

The redheaded succubus turned around and then motioned for Cupi to do the same.

“We can both get our fill, Cupiditas,” Sia purred. “Bend over.”

Cupi shot her madame a hungry look of defiance, but then she turned away, wiggled her hips, and bent down to show me her tight ass.

I needed no further instructions. The second the fit blonde was in position, I got up on my knees, wrapped my hands around her slender hips, and slid my cock into her tight pussy.

Cupi let out a gasp as I entered her, but then she looked back at me and bit her lip.

To my right, Libidine spread her legs wider and motioned for Sia to come closer. Then the redheaded succubus crawled over on her hands and knees to her sister and then buried her face into Liby’s yearning pussy. As soon as Sia started licking my cum out of Liby, the raven haired succubus gasped with intense pleasure and began to run her hands through Sia’s hair.

Meanwhile, Cupi’s groans were getting louder and louder by the minute. The blonde succubus was incredibly wet, which made sliding in and out of her nearly effortless.

Finally, I found her sweet spot, and as I continued to pound Cupi from behind, I slowly reached my right hand over and brushed it tenderly against her clitoris. The fit blonde let out an approving moan, so I kept at it.

Between Cupi’s tight pussy lips around my cock and the sight of Sia’s head buried between Liby’s legs, I knew I wasn’t going to last much longer.

Then, the blonde set me off. Cupi looked back at me and then gripped my left wrist tightly. Her ass bounced in time with my thrusts, and her eyes were now rolling into the back of her head. She let out an intense moan, tightened her grip, and then came on my cock.

At the same time, Libidine’s moans crescendoed into an orgasm.

I couldn’t hold it any longer, and I groaned as my cum filled Cupi’s pussy.

“Wow,” I sighed as I slid out of the blonde, wiped my brow, and lay back down on the blanket.

“Wait a minute,” Cupi clicked her tongue and got down on her knees in front of me. “Sia needs her turn.”

“You guys are exhausting,” I joked.

“Poor you,” the blonde giggled and then motioned for her sisters to come join in.

“Oooh!” Liby grinned as she got down beside her sister. “Are we going for round three?”

“Sia deserves more than sloppy seconds, right?” the blonde cooed.

Libidine and Sia both began to run their tongues along the side of my cock while Cupiditas went for my balls. Every now and again, one of the succubi would stop what they were doing and slip my dick back inside their mouth.

Even though I’d already cum twice, I was rock hard again in an instant. It was almost a shame, I would have liked for them to keep going.

“There, Superbia,” Cupi bit her lip. “He’s all yours.”

Sia stood up, placed her hand on my chest, and looked at me with begging eyes. “I’d like to be on top if you don’t mind. I want to feel you all the way up inside me.”

Before I could even answer, Sia had her legs around my waist. The madame was so wet, and I was so hard that she didn’t even need to guide me in this time. Sia eased herself down onto my hard cock and then gasped when it was fully inside of her.

Then the madame began to sway her hips, and Cupi and Liby brushed their hands across the redhead’s breasts as she rode. Then, they leaned in and started to run their tongues across their madame’s pink, erect nipples. At the same time, Cupi’s hand slipped down Sia’s body and began to play with her clit.

Sia groaned softly and kissed at her sisters’ heads as she rode me. Suddenly, her entire body tensed up, and she closed her eyes.

“I’m-- I think I’m about to--” She nearly screamed. “Oh, Jacob!”

The madame’s pussy tightened around my dick as she let out an intense groan.

“Keep going, sister!” Liby gasped. “He’s almost there, too.”

The curvy succubus’ words caused a determined look to spread across Sia’s face. As the madame kept up the pace with her hips, she reached behind herself and started to rub at my balls playfully.

“Let’s help out, Liby,” Cupi grinned.

Cupi and Liby leaned in front of Superbia and started to make out passionately.

The feeling was already starting to creep up on me but seeing the two beautiful women kissing sent me over the edge. My cock pulsed violently, and then I groaned as I finally filled the third succubus’ pussy.

Superbia collapsed onto my chest, let out a sigh, and then rolled over onto her back beside me. “That was incredible.” She stared up at the night sky in disbelief. “You were incredible.”

“I can say the same thing about you,” I wheezed through labored breaths. “All three of you.”

“Anything for you, Jacob,” Cupi said with a graceful bow. “I hope you enjoyed yourself.”

“That’s the fucking understatement of the year.” I laughed and then patted the blanket beside me.

Cupi and Sia crawled over and laid down on my left side while Liby was on my right. I reached over their delicate bodies, grabbed the corner of the blanket, and then pulled it back so that it covered the four of us.

The girls snuggled in close, and we cuddled as we looked up at the beautiful night sky. The three succubi fell asleep within minutes, but I couldn’t rest.

Today might have been a much needed stress reliever, but we were still in the middle of a mission that could decide the fate of the universe. My mind drifted to Forneus and Sister Ira, to Azazel, and even to Lilith and Lucifer themselves.

My thoughts were abruptly interrupted by the sound of tiny footsteps crunching through the leaves.

“Seriously, bro?” Todd demanded. “First, you teleport a shit-faced imp without his consent, and then you soil my Bob Marley blanket with your love juice?”

“It will all wash out.” I chuckled and reached for my pants.

“But the memories won’t,” Todd scoffed.

“I can get you a new blanket if you want,” I offered as I tugged on my boxers and jeans. “You can throw a rock and hit a head shop around here.”

“Every little ‘ting’s gonna be alright, mon.” The imp giggled. “That’s the philosophy Bobby boy himself lived by. That and always getting your pet spayed and neutered.”

“Uh, that one’s Bob Barker,” I pointed out before breaking down into snickers.

“Well, shit,” Todd sounded legitimately concerned, “I guess I owe Mr. Letterman’s dog an apology.”

“Nope.” I shook my head. “Not even gonna ask.”

“It really wasn’t that bad.” The imp shrugged. “Some fire, scissors, and a good sewing kit--”

“Please don’t,” I begged.

“Fine, have it your way.” Todd giggled and then pointed at the sleeping succubi. “You feel more powerful yet?”

“I dunno,” I admitted. “It’s not like my powers get triggered while we’re in the middle of doing the deed.”

“No worries, Jakey.” Todd slapped my leg playfully. “I’m sure you’ll get to show off your new abilities in some awesome battle with Sister Ira or some shit like that.”

“Probably.” I laughed. “That’d be just my luck.”

“Bro, you just fucked not one, not two, but three hot demon chicks,” Todd mused. “I don’t wanna hear about your ‘luck.’ Speaking of which, should we wake the girls? The morning shift is gonna be here in a couple of hours.”

“Let them sleep,” I decided. “We have a long drive tomorrow, and probably an even more massive battle ahead of us down the line. They’ll need all the rest they can get.”

Todd and I wandered over to the tiny waterfall, and I leaned against a tree as I took in the beautiful scenery around us.

“Here, bro.” Todd got my attention and held out one of his hand-rolled joints. “You’ve earned it.”

“Maybe just one,” I said as I took the cigarette from the imp.

I lit up the joint with my Hellfire, raised it to my lips, and took a puff. This stuff must have been as good as Todd claimed it was because I instantly felt my entire body relax. I exhaled the smoke into the air and then handed the joint back to the stoner imp.

“Pretty good stuff, huh?” he lauded.

“I’ll say.” I coughed. “Maybe it’s because I haven’t smoked in fucking years.”

“Oh no!” He wagged his finger. “I smoke multiple times a day, and this shit still gets me high as a fucking airliner.”

The imp and I continued hanging out by the waterfall and reminiscing about our past for another hour or so, and then I glanced down at my cell phone.

“Alright, we should probably head back to my parents’ place and pack up,” I sighed.

“Road Trip 2: Electric Boogaloo!” Todd exclaimed and then ran back toward where the succubi were sleeping.

I took in the sounds and sights of the forest one last time, and then I turned around to follow my friend.

It was time for Mr. Ralston to go to Washington.

Chapter 11

Not long after the imp and I had been talking in the park, we went back to our camp for some much needed sleep.

All three of the girls were still exhausted from our sexual adventure, so they were already out like a light when I finally returned.

“Good night, Jakey Boy,” Todd giggled as he sprawled out on a handful of phone books.

“Good night, Todd,” I chuckled and then walked over to the sleeping succubi.

I longingly stared at the three beautiful women before I laid down beside them. Then I pulled the blanket over my body and was completely passed out a few moments later.

The next morning we awoke, packed up our makeshift campsite, and headed back through the forest. Liby and I loaded the vehicle with our telekinetic powers, and then the five of us hopped in the jeep and set off. Within a half-hour, we were back at my parent’s house.

Mom and Dad were still asleep when we arrived, so we snuck in and cautiously made our way to my old room downstairs.

We fell back asleep for a few incredible hours. When we finally awoke, we packed the remainder of our things and made our way upstairs to bid farewell.

“We always hate to see you go,” my mom moped as the succubi and I stood in the living room with our packed bags. “But I know you’ve still got a long drive ahead of you, and I’d hate to keep my son from his scholarly endeavors!”

Mom went around and gave each succubus a warm hug.

“It’s always nice to meet Jacob’s new friends.” She smiled at the girls. “You’re welcome in our home any time. In fact, we’d love to have you come back soon.”

My dad eschewed the hugs and simply shook each of the girls’ hands.

“Don’t be a stranger now, ya hear?” He nodded and then wrapped his arm around my mom. “And Jacob? Tell Todd he needs to get up here and see us. He was practically our third son, and we miss him nearly as much as you.”

“I’ll let him know, Dad.” I smiled at my parents, gave them a farewell wave, and then headed for the door. “Adios!”

Once we were through the threshold of the house and nearing Shadow, I heard a series of sniffles come from the empty space on my left.

“Bro, are you crying?” I asked Todd smugly.

“No,” he wept. “It’s just-- Your dad called me his third son. That means a lot to me. I really love your parents, dude.”

“Awwww,” I said, and then I reached down, wiggled my fingers until I found his shoulder, and gave him a squeeze.

The five of us climbed up into the Jeep Wrangler, and I flipped on the ignition. As we pulled out of the driveway, I saw my parents standing in the window of the living room, waving goodbye.

“If only they knew that the Toddster was gracing their presence the entire time,” the imp sighed as his body reappeared in the passenger seat.

“You’re really taking this whole third son’ thing pretty seriously, aren’t you?” Cupi joked from the back.

Todd leaned forward, opened Shadow’s dashboard, and pulled out a joint.

“Fuck yes I am,” he explained as he lit the blunt and took a puff. “Believe it or not, the Toddster didn’t really have a bunch of positive male role models growing up.”

“I never would have guessed.” I snickered as we pulled back onto the interstate.

“I know, right?” Todd giggled. “I’m a model citizen.”

“So,” Sia’s voice spoke up, “what is the first order of business when we get to D.C.? We know that Ira and Franklin are currently residing there, but we don’t have an address or anything of that sort.”

“Well, Franklin is easy,” I said as I looked back at the redhead in the rearview mirror. “He works in one of the most famous buildings in all of America. Of course, getting to him is another story.”

“Washington’s a hotbed of surveillance,” Todd added. “You got the FBI, the CIA, the NCA, and, most horrifyingly, the DEA. I feel like I’m walking straight into the lion’s den.”

“It won’t be as difficult as you think,” Libidine spoke up. “We may not be able to brandish our weapons and our regular powers openly, but we still have two things that even the most well-trained mortals won’t see coming.”

“What’s that?” Cupi questioned.

In the rearview mirror, I saw Libidine’s eyes begin to glow a deep purple.

“Mind control.” She giggled. “That, plus our green fire. Mortal eyes can’t perceive it, remember?”

“Even so,” I sighed, “Todd’s right. This place is one of the most well-patrolled cities in the country, and Franklin is an up-and-coming media darling. Confronting him anywhere besides the comfort of his own home is going to be ridiculously difficult.”

“I don’t even know if it’s a good idea to use our Hellfire powers there,” Todd remarked. “I’m sure they’ve got all sorts of shit that can detect paranormal activity, and they’re probably on high alert after all the shit we’ve been doing in the last few weeks.”

“Are you really gonna start with the Illuminati stuff?” I asked with an arched eyebrow.

“Not the Illuminati, bro,” he explained and took a drag. “I’m talking a government-sponsored paranormal investigation firm. You really think demons have been walking the Earth for centuries and the government doesn’t know about it?”

“Outside of the Vatican and the Divine, I don’t think anybody knows that secret,” Sia chimed in. “It would be fairly Earth-shattering if it got out.”

“Think about it,” the imp continued. “Why didn’t any of the news reports mention Gallu’s body? Jakey and I left it right out in the open when we booked it out of there. Why is that room service attendant from the Excalibur being discredited left and right? He’s simply telling the truth.”

“Simple,” I scoffed. “It’s because what he saw sounds too crazy to be true. I know I wouldn’t have believed him if I wasn’t personally wrapped up in this holy war between Angels and Demons.”

“I’m just sayin’.” Todd shrugged. “We need to watch our step while we’re out there.”

“How much time do you think we have?” Cupiditas asked. “I’m sure your ruler passes these laws seconds after they are announced, right?”

Todd and I glanced over at each other, and then we both burst out laughing.

“Oh God no,” I howled. “Nonononono.”

“I think somebody needs to watch that educational cartoon with the talking Bill,” Todd cackled as he held his sides. “Shit takes forever to get done in the government.”

“Your ruler doesn’t simply decree things into law?” Libidine asked curiously. “That’s how it works with the kings down in Hell, and the angels in heaven.”

“Contrary to popular belief, no.” I wiped a tear away from my face and recomposed myself. “There’s a whole process involving the different branches of the government voting, and then it goes to the President and then it may or may not get sent back to Congress depending on what he says. It’s a long, convoluted process. Sometimes it takes months for bills to become laws.”

“That sounds more nightmarish than Hell,” Cupi mused. “How does anything get done?”

“Not very well.” Todd chuckled.

“Uh-oh, Todd’s about to get on his political soapbox,” I warned the girls. “This might get a little weird.”

The imp began his rant about the government and politics somewhere in mid-state Missouri and didn’t stop until we got to Virginia. Todd would take a break every now and again whenever we’d stop for food or gas, but then he’d start right back up the second we were on the road.

“… and that’s how Millard Fillmore planted the seeds for faking the moon landing, over a hundred years before it actually happened,” Todd finished. “It just goes to show you once again that you can never trust a politician.”

“New rule,” I pronounced when the imp finally stopped rambling. “Todd has to wear a tin foil hat at all times until we’re done with this trip.”

“You laugh now, bro,” the imp giggled, “but just wait and see.”

“We have to be getting there soon, right?” Sia asked patiently. “We’ve been driving for over fifteen hours.”

The redhead was right. We had left my parent’s house in Kansas City at around seven this morning, and the clock on the dashboard currently read midnight.

“According to our GPS, we’re about forty-five minutes away,” I said as I glanced at the built-in screen on the dashboard. “And not a moment too soon. I seriously don’t know how much longer I’m gonna make it.”

Even though we had done nothing but drive for the entire day, I was fucking exhausted. My eyes felt like they were drooping down to my knees, and I started to rub them groggily to keep myself awake.

“Ooh, I know!” Todd exclaimed. “I can keep you awake by telling you about the new conspiracy theory I discovered!”

“No!” The entire cabin of the vehicle said in unison.

The imp hung his head in defeat. “Well, fine,” he moped. “It was about aliens and fairies and all that shit. It’s totally true, bro.”

“Maybe later, Todd,” I reassured my friend with a pat on the head and then reached down to the radio. “Right now, I want to jam out with some tunes.”

“I hear ya.” The imp grinned. “I’ve got the perfect CD for this occasion.”

The imp popped open the glove compartment in front of him and began to rummage around inside. He finally emerged holding two generic-looking CDs held high above his head.

“Mixtape CDs, bro!” he exclaimed.

“You finally upgraded?” I couldn’t help but laugh as I remembered Lola’s cassette player and how much it had meant to Todd.

“Yup!” He laughed as he pushed the disc into the slot on the dash. “The Toddster’s finally living in modern society.”

“More like early two-thousands, but it’s a step up from where you were,” I joked.

The dashboard made a whirring sound as it read the CD. The display lit up with a large, digital “number one,” and then the sounds softened. A generic news-like jingle erupted from the speakers of the Jeep.

“Good morning folks, and welcome to Tuesdays with the Toddster.” The voice coming out of the speakers was distinctly the imp’s. “Today I’ve got something on my mind. Something… magical. The Jinn. What are they, and why are they a threat to you?”

Todd fumbled at the eject button for a moment and then ripped the CD out of the slot.

“Wrong one.” He chuckled awkwardly and slid the other disc into the player.

“You’re not going to get away without an explanation, bro,” I implored the little red imp.

“It’s… It’s a podcast I’m trying out.” Todd sighed. “Anyone with a decent recording system can make those nowadays. You just upload it to the internet and boom, suddenly you have a massive following.”

“How long have you been doing this?” I asked cautiously. “You’re not talking about all our adventures, are you?”

“Of course not!” He scoffed. “I wouldn’t do you dirty like that, bro. It’s more of a generic paranormal show, making people aware of the different cryptids and government cover-ups and shit like that. I’ve only uploaded a few episodes, anyway.”

“Fair enough.” I shrugged.

“You’re not mad?” the imp asked.

“Why would I be mad?” I chuckled. “As long as you’re not giving away our identities or revealing millennia-old Earth-shattering secrets, I couldn't care less what you do in your spare time.”

“Yes!” the imp hopped up and down happily. “More Tuesdays with the Toddster, coming up!”

“Do you actually have an audience?” Libidine asked curiously.

“You gotta remember who we’re dealing with here.” The imp wagged his finger. “There aren’t many people who buy into this kinda mumbo-jumbo, but those that do are insanely loyal. I’ve only got, like, a hundred so far, but I’m getting fan mail all the time! One woman even sent me a picture of her--”

“Where are they sending the mail?” Cupiditas piped up. “Are you giving out our address?”

“Relax, Cupid.” Todd giggled. “There’s this magical thing called the internet. All the Tuesdays with the Toddster fan-mail are digital.”

“Okay,” the blonde sighed, “I’m sorry for being on edge, but I’m starting to get worried that Sister Ira is going to find us again. She already knows we were camping out at Quinn’s mansion, and she was able to track us down out in the middle of the desert. I wouldn’t be surprised if we were walking right into a trap.”

“Even if we are, I’m not worried,” Sia said nonchalantly. “Sister Ira is a force to be reckoned with, but I saw how she was looking at Jacob during the fundraiser. She’s intrigued by him. Her submissive half has already experienced a beating at his hands, and I’m sure she wants more. I honestly think this whole exercise is merely some sort of sick foreplay for Ira.”

“So Ira’s created this entire plan to invade the Government and get a bill passed and steal private land with a portal to Hell and try to bring Azazel back to life, just because she wants Jacob’s dick?” Todd asked in disbelief.

“Something like that,” the redhead agreed.

“It sounds crazy enough for Sister Ira, that’s for sure.” Libidine shuddered.

“She didn’t seem that crazy the last time I saw her,” I protested. “A little angry and threatening, sure, but crazy?”

“Oh, Jacob…” Sia mused and clicked her tongue. “You haven’t seen anything yet. Sister Ira is a master of manipulation, and you encountered her in a public space in front of dozens of people. She was able to keep herself in check then, but do you remember our encounter at the motel?”

“When she kept asking me to hurt her more and beat her to death with my penis?” I laughed. “How could I forget?”

“That’s the real Ira,” Sia explained, “or at least, that was half of her.”

“Wait until you meet her dominant half.” Cupiditas grimaced. “She’s… fun.”

“If you consider getting tied upside down by your ankles and then having your balls and neck both strangled until they turn blue ‘fun,’” Libidine continued. “And that’s only one of the things she’s told us about.”

“Jakey,” Todd’s voice was dead serious, “if this succubus does end up joining the group, please promise me you’re not gonna get involved in that auto-erotic asphyxiation stuff. I’ve already lost too many friends that way.”

“Like who?” I asked as I frowned at him. “I know everyone that you know, and no--”

“Uhhh, David Carradine?” Todd huffed. “The Kung Fu master?”

“But you didn’t actually kno--”

“And Vaughn Bodē? Don’t forget about the Cheech Wizard dude. Beer, babes, and a good time, but now--”

“I don’t even know who that--” I started to say, but he continued.

“My point is that I don’t want to lose you, bro,” he huffed. “So, practice safe sex, and don’t let this Ira babe choke you while she’s fucking you. Promise?”

“I promise.” I nodded and held in a laugh.

“Ira is certifiably crazy,” Libidine warned. “She usually means well, but she was always the one that Sister Superbia had to keep in line most often.”

“She once tried to travel into the Ninth Circle so that she could, and I quote, ‘use Lucifer’s horn as a dildo.’” Sia made air quotes as she spoke. “Luckily, the girls and I were able to talk her down before she actually got down there.”

“That sounds like just what our group needs,” Todd said with a giggle. “Somebody who can take some of the heat off of me!”

Up ahead in the distance, I saw a large pencil-shaped building jutting out from the landscape.

“There it is, guys,” I pointed out to my friends in the car, “the nation’s capital.”

“It’s a lot less impressive than I thought it would be.” Cupi frowned. “San Francisco and Las Vegas looked way grander than this. Where are all the tall buildings made of chrome and hotels that look like castles?”

“It’s a different type of city, that’s for sure,” I chuckled. “But it’s like this for a reason. There’s a lot of tradition and history in this area.”

“So it’s almost like the Principes domus saltus?” Sia asked.

I looked over at Todd for an explanation, but the imp simply shrugged and shook his head.

“It’s the main meeting place of Lucifer and his various Demon Kings and Queens,” the redhead explained. “Hell doesn’t have ‘cities’ like you do here on Earth, but rather ‘rounds.’ If I had to try to describe it in mortal terms, the Rounds of Hell are small pocket dimensions housed within the different Circles. They are technically the same physical space, but in different dimensions.”

Todd rubbed his head in confusion. “I didn’t realize Hell was so much like an instanced MMO dungeon.”

“The Principes domus saltus is a Round where any and all official decrees made by Lucifer are created and debated,” Sia continued. “It is also sometimes where negotiations between the forces of the Demonic and the Divine have taken place. I’ve only had the luxury of going there once, with Azazel.”

“What was it like?” I was on the edge of my seat.

“It was beautiful, like nothing else in the netherworld...” Sia’s voice trailed off as she thought of the pleasant memory. “Lots of ivory structures, flowing crystal-clear waterfalls, oases as far as the eye could see, cobblestone streets… Azazel claimed that it was made to look like the part of Heaven in which Lucifer and the Exalted One first had their tensions. It was a small piece of Heaven mixed into the deepest pits of Hell, and it was something that all succubi and lower-level demons aspired to see someday.”

“See?” Todd giggled. “That sounds an awful lot like the place we’re going to.”

“How do you gain access between the different Rounds of Hell?” I asked as we pulled up to our hotel.

“That’s all Charron,” Cupi cut in. “He and his pet dog Cerberus are the only ones who can grant safe travels between the different dimensions with their green Hellfire powers, unless you’re a high-level demon, of course.”

I pulled Shadow into a parking space and cut the ignition.

“So, in theory, if I were to get powerful enough, I could travel through the different dimensions on a whim?” I clarified with the redhead as I opened my door.

“With Charron’s permission.” She shrugged. “He keeps watch over every single paranormal entity in the universe to ensure that they remain where they belong and don’t break the rules of interdimensional travel.”

“Sounds like he could be an awesome ally,” I said as I opened the rear door for the girls.

“Good luck with that.” Libidine chuckled. “Charron isn’t exactly a social butterfly. Plus, he has never left Hell once in his entire life. The only way we could talk to him is to stamp our passports for a trip back to the netherworld.”

“It sounds like that might be what we have to do eventually,” I noted. “Azazel will never stop until we kill him once and for all down on his turf.”

With that solemn note, the five of us exited our Jeep Wrangler, grabbed the bags from the back, and then headed into the Mandarin Oriental.

After the grittiness of our last few lodging experiences, I had made sure to book a five-star hotel for this trip. The Mandarin Oriental was one of the nicest hotels in D.C., and the lobby was no exception. The second I walked through the automatic sliding doors, I began to marvel at the rotunda-style design of the ceilings and the black and yellow marble of the floor. The walls and furniture radiated hues of walnut and cream to give the interior a unique blend of modern and historical.

“It smells like a flowery cherry in here,” Liby noted as we made our way to the front desk.

“Cherry blossoms, babe,” Todd’s disembodied voice corrected her. “Get used to it, because they’re everywhere around here. There’s probably a good cherry-popping or deflowering joke in there somewhere, but I’m really fucking tired.”

It only took a minute for us to check in with the man behind the counter. He made sure that we were in the system, handed us our room key, and then wished us a good night as we departed toward the elevator.

“Did we get a suite this time?” Cupi purred and then stepped into the elevator. “Sister Superbia has yet to stay in one of those fancy places.”

“We’re staying in the presidential suite,” I confirmed with a smile and then slid my special keycard into the panel. “Only the best for my beautiful succubi.”

“Ahem!” a disembodied voice coughed.

“And Todd,” I added.

“Thanks for thinkin’ of me, Jakey,” he replied with a giggle.

We ascended for a few moments, and then the chrome doors of the elevator opened to a cozy-looking hallway. The walls were all painted with a faint pink, and the carpets had a sort of floral pattern.

“Geez, enough with the cherry blossoms,” Todd snarked. “I think we get the hint.”

At the end of the hallway was a fork in the road with two signs. We followed the one that said “Presidential Suite” and were soon met with a large black door.

I clicked the key into the door and turned the knob. The room we were now standing in had three paths, one to the master suite, one to the dining room, and one to the living room. Our shoes clomped against the pristine hardwood floors of the entryway as we passed through into the living room.

This was where my jaw hit the floor.

“Holy shit!” Cupiditas let slip. “This almost looks nicer than Quinn’s mansion!”

The succubus was right. To say this part of the suite was luxurious was an understatement. The whitewashed walls stretched over twenty feet high and featured massive windows that looked out over downtown D.C. The entire room looked like a blend of Colonial and Modern styles, with an elegant Victorian chandelier on the ceiling and a vintage floral-patterned carpet on the floor. Of course, the traditional style was offset with furniture that looked like it was ripped straight out of a New York penthouse, and a large chestnut cabinet stood on the far wall to pull the room together.

Sia whistled. “This looks fit for a king.”

“A President,” I corrected.

“How much did this cost, Jacob?” the redhead asked cautiously.

I patted her on the shoulder and smiled playfully. “Enough.” I winked, and her face contorted into an expression of worry.

“Jacob, there were plenty of decent hotels that were a hundred dollars a night or--” she protested, but I put my finger over her lips.

“Look at them.” I pointed to Cupi, Liby, and Todd.

Todd was now visible again, and he was sprawled out like a dog on top of one of the couches. Cupiditas and Libidine were both staring longingly out the window, pointing at the bright lights and whispering to each other happily.

“They’re having a great time,” I argued. “There will always be time to get more money, but how many chances do we have to live like kings in Washington?”

“I don’t know,” the redhead murmured thoughtfully. “There are a great many demons disguised as politicians in this world. But... the girls are enjoying themselves so I won’t harp on this too much.”

“That’s what I like to hear!” I clapped my hands together happily and then wrapped my arm around Sia’s shoulder. “We haven’t even seen the best part yet. Let’s go to the bedroom!”

“Uh-- Is this an ‘I want to show off cool shit’ sorta thing, or is this an ‘I want to bang the succubi’ sorta thing?” Todd raised his head off the couch.

“It’s super late, and I’m exhausted,” I assured the imp. “It’s definitely the first one.”

“Woohoo!” Todd jumped to his feet and then dashed off toward the bedroom.

The four of us followed him through the pristine, white-carpeted Den Room into the master suite.

Our bedroom had a similar style to the rest of the Presidential Suite, with a chandelier, antique-looking dressers, and colonial-style artwork all along the walls. Of course, it was all juxtaposed by a large, sixty-inch flat screen TV just across from the bed.

“This isn’t even the best part.” I slyly grinned at the succubi. “Follow me.”

We walked past the massive walk-in closet connected to the bedroom and then onto the black tile of the bathroom floor.

“Wow,” Libidine balked at the sight before her.

The left side of the bathroom was made to be a spa. It had a massive tub filled with water jets, and a long, padded bench sat directly behind. Beside the bench was a porcelain teapot and cups made to look like a traditional china set.

Then there was what I liked to call the “fun side” of the bathroom.

Opposite all the spa equipment sat a gargantuan glass shower. Two waterfall-style showerheads were attached to the ceiling above, accompanied by two removable massager heads on the wall. Against the orangish-tan tile of the wall sat eight chrome knobs and two black grab bars.

The best part? It was large enough for at least five or six people to fit in comfortably.

“That’s totally gonna be the orgy shower, isn’t it?” Todd rolled his eyes.

Superbia patted the imp on the head. “Absolutely.”

Todd didn’t seem too enthralled by the attention. “Yeah, yeah,” he mumbled. “I think I’m gonna go hit the hay. An imp needs his beauty sleep, and it sounds like your night is gonna go in a completely different direction.”

“Todd, we’re not--” I started.

“Bro,” he shook his head, “I get it. You need to wet the ol’ lizard and giblets. Were there any blankets out in the living room?”

“We’re going to bed too,” I laughed, “and you don’t have to sleep on the couch. There’s a whole second bedroom all for the Toddster.”

“Really?” Todd’s eyes lit up.

“Yep, just go through that door on the other side of the den out there,” I directed.

“You’re the best, Jakey!” the imp proclaimed as he ran over and wrapped his arms around my leg. After a brief hug, he turned around and disappeared through the threshold in a flash.

“Shall we?” I asked the girls and stuck out my elbows.

All three of the succubi took my arms, and we proceeded back out into the bedroom.

We plopped down underneath the covers of the king-sized bed, and the girls snuggled up against me tenderly. We still had a long day ahead of us, and we needed all the rest and relaxation we could possibly get.

Tomorrow, we were gonna hit the capital, stop Sister Ira, and just possibly save the world.

Chapter 12

“Even the room service at this place is fit for a king,” Todd belched proudly from the sleek gray couch in the living room.

“President, you mean,” Libidine groggily corrected. “Right, Jacob?”

All I could manage was a muffled “mhmmm” through a final mouthful of fluffy, syrup-drenched pancakes.

“Ha!” The curvy woman giggled. “I’m getting good at understanding your Earth Realm’s hierarchy. Maybe someday I could run for Congress.”

“You’d probably fit right in on Capitol Hill,” Todd moaned. “I swear half of our elected officials are demons, anyway.”

“I’d vote for you, Liby,” I said earnestly as I wiped the sticky maple syrup off of my face.

After the long night we had yesterday, the very first thing I did this morning was to order us all room service for breakfast. I didn’t go as all-out as I normally did, but there were still mountains of doughy pancakes, plump smoky sausages, crispy and smoky bacon, and an entire box of Grape Nuts. It wasn’t much for five people, but it did the trick.

As I looked around at my friends in their various states of food comas, I confirmed that I’d done well.

“You know,” Cupi groaned, “I keep thinking that we’re gonna run out of new Earth food to try or that we’re gonna get bored with the stuff we’ve eaten, but then Jacob always finds a way to surprise us.”
“I agree.” Sia nodded. “This breakfast was much more delicious than the meal we had in the motel out in California.”

“This is a five-star resort, and that was a tiny, run-down motel out in the middle of the desert.” I chuckled. “I’d really fucking hope there was a difference in quality.”

I suddenly felt Libidine’s warm hand against my back.

“We’re simply happy to have a master who does these sorts of things for us,” she cooed. “Before we met you, a ‘gourmet meal’ was a Vargrat that was fire-roasted instead of boiled.”

“Your former masters only let you eat boiled Hell-rats?” I raised an eyebrow.

“There isn’t much around to sustain yourself down in the Pit of Fire,” Sia added, “and the masters are very concerned about their succubi keeping their womanly figures, so Earth Realm food was completely out of the question.”

“I bet Gula needs to be kept away from Earth food, eh?” Todd giggled, but then belched in anguish halfway through and patted his belly.

“We’ve been over this, Todd.” Cupiditas rolled her eyes. “Just because Gula is gluttony doesn’t mean she eats like a pig. She’s skinny and curvy just like Liby over there. In fact, some would say she was the most beautiful of us all.”

“Indeed,” Sia added. “Sister Gula’s gluttonous tastes extended far beyond consuming food. It’s why she’s still down in Hell with Azazel.”

“How do you figure?” I asked as I plunked down onto one of the living room chairs.

“Azazel has been sending his succubi after you in a particular order, Jacob.” The redhead joined me in one of the fancy chairs. “In my opinion, it’s been in the order of strength and controllability. I was first, and in Azazel’s mind, there was no way in Hell I was going to turn. I was the oldest, most mature, and most loyal succubus he had, and I was in full control of all my Hellfire powers.”

“Sister Superbia is a badass,” Cupi let out enthusiastically.

“Thank you, Cupiditas.” Sia rolled her eyes and then continued. “After I turned, he panicked and tried to bring himself back so that he could face you personally.”

“That didn’t really work out too well for him, did it?” Todd snickered. “Jakey and I kicked his ass to the Golden Gate Bridge and back.”

“Indeed.” Sia nodded. “Now, he’s getting desperate. Sister Ira is one of the most fearsome warriors in the Circle of Sin, but she’s also quite… hard to control.”

“That’s a fancy way of saying she’s insane in the membrane,” Todd said with an extended finger. “Paging Sigmund Freud!”

“Sister Ira, especially her dominant side, is nearly impossible to command,” the madame explained. “She does what she wants, when she wants, and she doesn’t let anyone stand in her way.”

“Then why didn’t Azazel send Gula or Tris or, uh, Envy?” I inquired of the redhead.

“Because they’re even worse!” Sia chuckled.

“Sister Tris disappeared the last time she was sent to Earth unsupervised,” Libidine said as she joined the conversation. “It took Earl weeks to find her. It turns out that she got sidetracked before she could even do her succubus duties, and she went off to explore Earth Realm on her own. Tris was punished severely when she was finally caught.”

“What about the other two?” Todd now sat upright.

“Well, Sister Gula is beautiful and one of the most-requested succubi from our harem,” Sia explained, “but she and Tris have a very special relationship.”

“Ahhhh…” Todd made two circles with his hands and started pounding them together. “I gotcha.”

“You joke, but you’re more or less correct.” The madame chuckled at that. “Anyway, Gula is very easily swayed by the influence of Tris. As you can imagine, she didn’t take to Tris’ punishment too kindly. I know that Azazel fears she will betray him the first chance she gets.”

“And Envy?” I asked.

“Sister Vidi?” Cupi laughed. “She’s not allowed on Earth Realm anymore. We don’t really get along.”

“I wouldn’t get along with the succubus who tried to literally stab me in the back, either,” Liby joked.

“Invidia was always jealous of the other girls,” Sia added. “Though I’m not sure why. She is just as stunning. Anyway, one day her envy got the best of her, and she tried to take out Cupiditas.”

Cupi pulled down her dress, turned around, and pointed to one of the scars on her back.

“Got me right here,” she said with a, well, prideful tone. “Missed all my major organs, but it still hurt like a bitch.”

“If she’s already got it out for Cupi, then why wouldn’t Azazel send her after us before Ira?” I asked. Something didn’t add up here.

“Because if Gula and Tris are difficult to control, then Invidia is impossible to control.” Sia’s eyes narrowed. “She would take one look at you, Jacob, and she’d join us in an instant. She’s the succubus of envy, and she’d be envious that we all are part of this incredible group with an incredible new master.”

“And once Azazel loses all his succubi, he’s going to grow weak.” Cupi slapped her fist into her open palm. “That’s why he’s bringing out the big guns first.”

I stood up and stuck out my hands.

“Then it’s a good thing I’ve already got the greatest succubi and imp on my side,” I exclaimed, “but for now, we need to go and find Ira and Forneus.”

“Brrrrrrooooooooo,” Todd said and then shook his head. “We’re in D.C. There’s a fuckton of cool shit here that we can do for free, and we have all the time in the world.”

“How do you figure?” I asked the imp skeptically.

Todd stood up on the couch with his tiny hooves, placed one hand on his hip and the other into the air, and then cleared his throat.

“Proposition Sixty-Six is being introduced today,” he explained with a scholarly voice, “but that doesn’t mean it’s gonna be a law. In fact, we probably have weeks or months before we even would have to worry about this shit getting passed.”

“Yeah, but--” I started.

“No ‘buts’ about it, bro.” The imp waggled his finger. “Do you really think an entire bill is going to be passed in the next day or two?”

“You have a point.” I laughed as I shook my head. “Bureaucracy is a bitch.”

“Exactly!” Todd clapped his hands together. “Now look, I want to get down to the badass world-saving shit as much as anyone, but we should at least have a little bit of fun before we do it.”

“What would you suggest?” I asked, finally conceding to the imp’s demands.

“You gotta start with the museums, bro.” Todd giggled. “Everybody knows the Toddster is an imp of culture.”

“All in favor?” I said to the rest of the room.

All five of us raised our hands.

“The ‘ayes’ have it!” I grinned. “Let’s go grab Shadow and head downtown.”

“Ugh, tourists.” Todd snorted in derision. “Trust me, bro, you don’t wanna drive down here. For your sanity, and for ours. This beautiful suite is already a hop, skip, and a jump away from everything we could possibly want to see. Let’s take the Metro.”

“Metro?” Libidine asked curiously.

“It’s a train system,” he explained.

“I’ve always wanted to ride on a train!” Sia giggled. “The closest thing we have in Hell is Charron’s ferry.”

“I don’t think you’re allowed to call them that anymore,” Todd corrected.

“You’re not allowed to call them a boat?” The madame raised an eyebrow at the imp.

“Oh, yeah,” Todd muttered, “that’s totally what I meant.”

The girls and I were all still in our clothes from last night, so with our plans set, we had to go make a quick change.

I tossed on a black and gray flannel button-up and a clean pair of jeans. As much as I enjoyed getting all dressed up, we needed to blend in. Sure, we could have worn suits and business attire and claimed to be government officials, but I had left my suit at home. Besides, sometimes it was nice to dress casually.

“I think it looks sexy,” Cupiditas purred, “like a hunky farm boy.”

“You joke, but I’m enjoying what I’m seeing,” Sia added and bit her lip. “If they all looked like Jacob, I’d move out to the country in a heartbeat.”

“Easy there, cowgirl.” I chuckled. “It’s just flannel. Lots of people wear it.”

“What about this?” Libidine asked as she gave a little twirl. “Do you think my outfit looks touristy enough?”

The dark-haired succubus was wearing a navy v-neck T-shirt that plunged all the way down and barely covered her large breasts. Small silver lightning-bolt earrings dangled from each of her earlobes, and a simple pair of leggings threatened to burst at the seams as they tried to contain her curvy ass.

“Oh, for sure.” I smiled at Liby.

“What about me?” Cupi pouted.

The fit blonde was wearing a white tank top and a pair of tight jeans. The tank top was as tight as her jeans, and I could see the outline of her toned stomach perfectly. She was going commando as always, so it was also quite easy to see her erect nipples through the thin fabric of the shirt. When Cupi turned, both of her small breasts tried to escape out the side of the garment.

“You’re gonna turn a lot of heads,” I said with a big grin, “in a good way.”

Then there was Sia.

The redhead had always made it clear that she hated wearing clothes, so she was dressed as skimpily as she legally could. Around her torso was a gold halter top that hid her petite breasts under its glistening fabric and left her navel exposed. On her bottoms, Sia wore the tiniest pair of black shorts that she could find. The entire outfit was topped off by a pair of golden gladiator sandals.

“No red?” I asked in shock.

“I wanted to try something different.” The madame shrugged and then pointed to her hair. “Besides, I always have red on me.”

“And what about me, Jakey-poo?” Todd did his best to imitate a woman’s voice.

I turned to the imp who looked no different.

“Uh… Did you do something to your horns?” I asked.

“Typical guy,” he jokingly huffed. “I totally got a new set of hooves.”

I squinted at the imp’s feet and tried to figure out what the fuck he was talking about. After about a minute of observation, he started laughing uncontrollably.

“I’m just fucking with you, bro,” he cackled. “Now let’s go hit the town!”

We exited our suite, walked down to the lobby, and then headed outside into the brisk air of the city.

An invisible force tugged at my jeans, and I looked down to see a floating map being offered.

“Check it out, bro,” Todd’s voice explained. “We don’t even have to take the train. The Smithsonian is only a ten-minute walk from here.”

“Does that sound good to everyone?” I asked the group.

“You’ve never steered us wrong before, Jacob,” Sia noted. “We will follow you wherever you want to go.”

“Come on, guys!” Todd exclaimed as his voice grew further and further away down the sidewalk. “I wanna go see dinosaurs and shit!”

“Did turning him into an imp also turn him into a toddler, Cupiditas?” Sia asked the blonde succubus.

“Oh no.” I laughed as I answered for Cupi and shook my head. “That’s just his personality. It’s why he’s so fun to be around. And don’t lie, you wanna see dinosaurs and shit just as much as he does.”

“Alright, fine.” The redhead giggled. “Let’s go see ‘dinosaurs and shit.’”

Libidine’s mouth dropped open. “Did… Did Sister Superbia just swear?”

“This is a day for the history books,” Cupi proclaimed.

“It was a direct quote of Todd,” Sia said with a sly smile. “Now let it go before I have to wipe those damn smiles off your faces.”

“Oooooohhh!” Cupi and Liby both giggled, but then a dirty look from the madame made them shut up.

We walked down the streets of D.C. for a couple of blocks as we took in the beautiful sights. All around us were buildings similar to our resort, with the same blend of colonial and modern architecture. The air was filled with the smell of cherry blossoms, and the muted pink flowery trees lined the sidewalks. Finally, we arrived at a massive white building with a golden dome.

“Come on, slowpokes!” Todd’s voice giggled as we made our way up the steps of the Museum of Natural History.

For the next four or five hours, the succubi, Todd, and I went around to the different museums on the mall. The little imp was like a kid in a candy store at all the animal exhibits, but he went off his rocker when we went to the Museum of American History. Our entire trip in that place was filled with Todd making ridiculous pop culture references and doing his best impersonations of famous movie characters.

As much fun as it was to see all these timeless relics, I breathed a huge sigh of relief the second we were through the doors.

“There were soooo many factual errors in those places.” Cupi clicked her tongue. “Everybody knows that dinosaurs played a major role in the war between Heaven and Hell.”

“Wait,” Todd stopped the succubus. “Please tell me you guys rode around on them like He-Man and Battlecat.”

“I’m not familiar with those warriors--” the blonde shrugged.

“They’re Eternia’s greatest defenders,” Todd added.

“But yes, there were some instances where we rode them into battle,” Cupi finished.

Todd’s disembodied voice let out a squeal of glee.

“Why couldn’t we learn that shit in history class?” he moaned. “I’d have paid way more attention if our teacher had been talking about battle-dinos in High School.”

“Well, there’s an easy way to fix that,” I supplied with a chuckle. “We’re already in Washington. Why don’t we just go to the Secretary of Education and tell them that we need to implement this important piece of history into the national curriculum?”

“That’s a brilliant idea, Jakey!” Todd agreed.

“We can even bring in the succubi as eyewitnesses,” I continued the joke, unbeknownst to Todd.

“Of course,” the imp continued. “Seeing is believing, after all.”

“Of course.” I nodded sarcastically. “We’ll roll up to the Secretary of Education’s office, tell them that their entire view of history is wrong, and say that they need to start telling students about demons riding dinosaurs. And if they don’t believe us, we’ll say we have three millennia-old demons that can vouch for us.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Todd confirmed. “Now, how do we get to the Department of Education?”

“Todd…” I sighed. “That was sarcasm.”

“Was it really though?” he asked hopefully. “You know you want your kids to read about demons kicking ass on top of dinosaurs.”

“Angels and demons,” Cupi corrected.

“Angels and demons, bro,” Todd reiterated.

“Maybe we should go check out the rest of the city first?” I tried to change the subject before the idea picked up any more traction. “There’s still a bunch of things we haven’t seen yet.”

“Alright, alright.” The imp agreed. “Their headquarters are just a mile or two away. We can hit them on the way back.”

“Sure thing, bro.” I laughed and then started down the sidewalk toward the Washington Monument. “How about we go to the far end and work our way back?”

“Start off with the vampire hunter himself, Mr. Lincoln?” Todd perked up. “Count me in!”

“I think that is one of the few paranormal legends that isn’t the slightest bit true,” I mused.

“He’ll always be a slayer in my heart,” the imp’s voice said with a giggle.

We made our way past the tall, pencil-like structure of the Washington Memorial and past the signs that would have directed us toward the iconic Vietnam memorial.

“Why didn’t you tell us there was a pool here?” Libidine asked innocently as we walked along the side of the reflecting pool. “I would have brought my bikini.”

“Who needs a swimsuit?” Sia grinned.

“One, that thing is full of fowl crap,” I noted as I pointed to a group of ducks swimming in the water. “Two, it’s like ten inches deep.”

“I like the sound of that,” Cupi purred.

“Three, it’s here just for decoration,” I continued. “And four? How are you not freezing to death right now, Sia?”

It was far from winter, but the air in D.C. was brisk, and the wind kicked up a cool breeze from the Potomac River. I was shivering even in my long-sleeves and jeans, so I could only imagine how chilly the succubi must be. Then again, it probably didn’t help that I’d spent the last few years of my life living out in the Southwest. Even a fifty-degree day felt like subzero temperatures to those of us from out there.

“Jacob, I’m from Hell, and my body is filled with enchanted Hellfire.” Sia laughed. “I’m always warm on the inside.”

“He knows all about that, sister,” Cupi added coyly.

As the words slipped out of her mouth, we arrived at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial. Before us stood a massive, Parthenon-like structure with two massive sets of stairs. Pillars stretched all around the white building, and symbolic engravings with the names of the thirty-six Civil War-era states lined the friezes.

“It looks like something out of Greece,” Sia observed. “Quite impressive for a modern structure.”

“I just want to get up there and find the secret passage,” Todd’s voice said excitedly. “It’ll lead to the-- Oh my God, look! My people!”

I couldn’t see where Todd was pointing, but it wasn’t hard to tell who he was talking about. Just off to the right of the pathway stood a large group of protesters holding signs and chanting. One of the signs read, “Keep Business Growing” in green, with a little pot leaf underneath. There was another one that read, “Nature’s Gift,” and another that simply said, “Legalize It.”

“It’s beautiful,” Todd’s disembodied voice sobbed. “Permission to exercise my right as an American citizen, Jakey?”

“Permission granted.” I laughed and motioned for the imp to go join.

“‘Merica,” Todd retorted, and then I assumed he went over to the group.

The succubi and I walked up the massive steps of the memorial until we finally reached the top.

“Who was this man?” Libidine asked as she balked at the massive statue. “He must have been really important if they gave him a statue this large.”

I briefly explained to the succubi about Lincoln and the Civil War. When I finished, none of them looked too impressed.

“That’s it?” Cupi crossed her arms. “He was a figurehead who led the country when brother fought brother? That happens in our world daily.”

“But it doesn’t happen here that often,” I explained. “In fact, it’s only ever happened once in the entire two-hundred-year history of the United States.”

“Well, that’s why.” Cupi tossed her arms out in revelation. “It’s still a baby country, less than five-hundred years old. Give it time, you mortals will always find something to squabble about.”

“I agree,” a familiar voice purred from behind us. “Mortals are weak and petty.”

Sister Ira.

The four of us turned around and were met with a sinister grin from the black-haired succubus. Ira was wearing a gray blazer over a mid-length black dress. She was in high heels, but she somehow made her movements appear effortless as she approached.

“And here I was hoping you were going to try something stupid, like rushing the floor of the Senate during the vote or trying to blow up the entire government.” She giggled. “I actually would have enjoyed that.”

“I think Todd would have, too,” I sneered. “We figured we’d come check out all the sights and sounds of D.C. before you asshole demons tried to erase it from history.”

“Why the fuck would we do that?” Ira laughed. “National capitals are hotbeds of demonic activity. I, for one, love it here.”

“Shouldn’t you be out stumping for your ‘husband’s’ new bill?” I said through gritted teeth. “It’s gonna take a lot to get that pushed through, and Lord knows how long. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but hooray for Government gridlock.”

“Jacob, Jacob, Jacob…” Ira cackled. “It’s already done.”

I was sure my ears hadn’t heard that correctly.

“Wha-- You guys just got in a few days ago,” I said to try to poke holes in her argument.

“It’s simply amazzzing what your Earth government can do when it’s firing on all cylinders.” The devilish succubus grinned. “You should have been there. Marvin brought me out onto the floor to deliver this big, rousing speech to his colleagues, and I did. I implored them to take action and to make the world a better place and how this bill was going to be the solution to all of America’s problems. They ate it the fuck up. Then, when it came time for the vote, I may have slipped in a teensy-weensy bit of mind control. Wash, rinse, repeat in the House of Representatives, and voila!”

Ira smirked broadly. “The bill is on the President’s desk as we speak.”

“So what now?” Cupi stepped between us. “Are you going to use it to take control of the portal to Hell? We know what your end game is, sister.”

“Too bad you won’t be alive to seeeeeee it!” The succubus made jazz hands as she spoke. “It’s almost a shame. I would have loved to see Azazel rip this mortal apart limb from limb.”

“Not if I get to him first,” I clenched my fist and started to conjure up feelings of passion.

Sia placed her hand gracefully on my chest.

“She’s trying to bait you, Jacob,” Sia warned as she placed her hand gracefully on my chest. “Attacking a Senator’s wife out in the middle of public would be very foolish.”

“Very good, Superbia,” Ira cooed. “You may be a traitor, but you’re still the smartest cookie in the box by far. I was trying to bait you, but it didn’t work. Now I’ll simply have to kill you.”

In the blink of an eye, a blast of emerald flame shot from the succubus’ hands and crashed into the top of one of the pillars. The white, fluted support beam cracked loose and began to topple onto our position.

Instinctively I threw up my own green fire and transported the pillar over to safety on the grass of the Mall.

But that was just the beginning of the chaos.

People started to scream and run away as more pieces of marble rubble began to fall from the sky, but Libidine caught a few of the pieces with her own telekinetic flame seconds before they smashed into the fleeing citizens. At the same time, Cupiditas dashed over and tackled a family of tourists out of the way of the debris.

I summoned red fire into my hands and prepared to go super-demon.

“No, Jacob,” Sia implored. “We need to save as many people as we can and get out of here. We can’t be seen using our powers out here. We’d make the national news and become public enemy number one.”

“She literally just used her Hellfire to--”

“Mortals can’t see the green fire, remember?” the redhead begged. “Right now, they think it’s a freak accident. Don’t turn this into a terrorist attack.”

Ira was now standing across the way, behind one of the remaining pillars. She stamped her foot at the madame’s words and pouted.

“You just have to go and ruin everything, don’t you?” she hissed at Sia and then teleported herself away with a flash of green.

The top of the Lincoln Memorial continued to crumble underneath its own weight, and we only had seconds before the whole place was going to come down on our heads and kill hundreds of innocent people.

I closed my eyes and thought about what Ira had just done. The heinous act that she committed that was going to kill so many good people. And for what? Just to prove a point? My hands throbbed as the emerald fire coursed through my entire body.

I opened my eyes and at the same time unleashed all the green fire that I had built up.

It rocketed toward the ceiling of the memorial and then spread across the entire structure like a virus. Seconds later, the entire Lincoln Memorial was aglow with my spell.

And it was fucking heavy.

I fell to my knees and grimaced as I tried to hold up the marble building. I could feel the sweat pouring down my face, and my entire body ached and screamed for me to let go.

But I couldn’t let these innocent people die. Not because of Azazel.

“I’ll help you, Jacob!” Libidine called out and then shot her own fire into the ceiling.

The load was lessened on my shoulders, but when I saw Liby collapse to her knees, I knew we couldn’t make it much longer.

“Cupi, get these people out of here!” I commanded to the blonde. “Sia, you--”

My eyes caught the glint of the madame’s golden dress in the sun.

That’s it.

“Sia!” I called out. “Do you think you can heal the building?”

“I-- I’ve never done anything this large before!” she yelled back with concern.

“You’re gonna have to try!” I groaned as the weight of the building continued to push Liby and me into the ground.

Sia’s hand began to glow with golden fire, and then she disappeared behind a pillar.

“Hurry, sister!” Libidine grimaced. “I can’t hold it much longer!”

It felt like the literal weight of the world was on my shoulders, and I was about to collapse. I let out a primal scream as I tried to stand up, but the counter-force made me fall back to the ground. My knees were getting weak, and my arms felt like they were made of rubber. We were all going to die if Sia failed.

As if right on cue, I saw our emerald spell get overtaken by golden fire. The weight was lifted as the massive cracks on the ceiling began to mend themselves with the help of the redhead’s healing magic. Seconds later, as more and more of the main supports were mended, the entire structure was fully supporting itself once more.

Minus the pillar that was on the grass of the mall, of course.

“So that’s it then?” Libby panted as I helped her off the ground. “Sister Ira has won?”

“Of course not,” I hissed, “but that was a close call.”

“I did it, Jacob!” Sia was giddy as she ran over. “I didn’t think I could, but then I thought about what would happen if I couldn’t, how I would lose both of you forever, and how it would have been my fault.”

“It’s alright, Superbia.” I pulled the succubus in for a hug. “We made it. Now we need to round up Todd and Cupi and get the fuck out of here before the Feds arrive.”

“What will we do now, Jacob?” Sia asked hopelessly.

I stumbled over to Libidine and helped the succubus back to her feet. “We need some Divine intervention.” I nodded. “As soon as we get back to the hotel, we’re calling in the Archangel.”

Chapter 13

The girls and I sat around the pristine oak table in the dining room as we deliberated our next move. We’d been back at the hotel for a few hours now, but we were still drained from the fight with Wrath. Cupi and Sia were back to their normal perky selves, but Libidine looked just as exhausted as I felt.

I guess that’s what happens when you try to hold tons of marble and limestone with nothing but your Hellfire powers.

“Do we really need to call up that goody-two-shoes?” I heard Todd groan from the living area of our suite. “We can totally handle Ira and that politician dude on our own.”

“Probably,” I agreed, “but what harm does it do to have a little bit of backup? Especially when that backup is a super-powerful Archangel from Heaven who knows more about this stuff than we ever could?”

“He’s laaaaammmmeeee,” the imp pleaded. “I can already tell you how this conversation is gonna go down. He’s gonna show up here all glowy, and then he’s gonna start scolding us for not calling him sooner. Probably say how he knew about everything from the beginning and how he could have defeated Ira and Forneus single-handedly or some shit like that.”

“What about you guys?” I turned back to address the succubi. “Do you think we’re making the right call here?”

“I don’t see why not.” Cupiditas sighed. “I agree with Todd that Raphael is an insufferable tightwad, but things are starting to escalate, and we can use all the help we can get.”

I looked over at Sia, who nodded in agreement.

“If the legislation has already been passed, then we only have a day or two before Sister Ira and the Seventy-Two Servants are in possession of the Porta ad Inferos,” she said grimly, “if not less.”

“And then what?” I asked. “Will Ira and the rest of the demons just like, chant some ancient spell that lets Azazel waltz right on through?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted with a shrug. “That’s the scary part. I’ve never seen one of these portals in the flesh, as they’ve always been protected by the Divine.”

“All the more reason to call for Raphael,” Libidine argued. “Our knowledge is limited on this one since we are such low-level demons.”

“Come on,” Todd groaned again. “Jakey and I can figure it out! Please don’t bring that snobby wanker into our place.”

“How much do you know about the Porta ad Inferos?” Sia asked with a raised eyebrow.

There was silence from the other room for a moment.

“Uh-- lots!” Todd called back. “I know that it’s a portal that can teleport people directly through the different dimensions. And that’s it’s located in Virginia. And that Sister Ira and the Seventy-Two Servants want it for themselves.”

“And?” the redhead asked coyly.

“And, uh--” the imp continued. “I know that it’s-- It’s the key to getting Azazel back on Earth Realm and that it’s really no bueno.”

“Is that all?” Sia giggled.

“I-- Yeah, that’s all.“ Todd’s voice sounded disappointed. “We should probably call Mr. stick-up-his-ass.”

“I wonder if he ever upgraded from his pager?” I mused as I typed the Archangel’s number into my cell phone’s dialer.

The display of the phone lit up blue with Raph’s number and contact photo.

“Did he really let you take a photo?” Sia asked curiously as she peered over at the phone. “Hmm. He looks a lot younger in that one.”

“It’s just a generic picture of an angel I found on the internet.” I laughed. “If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ‘em all, right?”

I looked around the table and saw that all three of the succubi were staring at me with horrified expressions.

“What?” I shrugged.

“Bro…” Todd sauntered into the dining room. “You can’t just say all angels look the same.”

“You know what I mean.” I rolled my eyes and held the phone up so that Todd could look at the contact picture. “His face is so generic, it looks like one of the character’s you’d be trying to find in Guess Who?”

“I guess you’re right,” Todd conceded. “Ooof. Like if a sketch artist was asked to draw a human incarnation of the word ‘Tool.’ I don’t even think his own mother could pick him out--”

“This is Raphael,” the Archangel’s voice crackled through my phone’s speaker.

“Raphey boy!” Todd exclaimed happily.

“Hello, Todd.” Raphael sighed. “Please tell me this isn’t another one of your prank calls. ‘Amanda Fuch’ isn’t here.”

“Are you sure?” the imp giggled into the phone. “What about Holdo Myzak?”

I tapped the screen to turn off speaker mode and held the phone up to my ear.

“Ignore him, Raphael,” I explained. “I’m the one who called you.”

“Jacob!” the Archangel’s crackling voice sounded relieved. “To-- do I owe the pleasure?”

The other line was suddenly filled with a fuzzy white noise, and Raphael sounded like he was three feet away from the phone when he spoke. To make matters worse, his sentences were cutting in and out.

“I need to talk to you about the Porta ad Inferos,” I explained.

“The Portal to Infants?” he asked in confusion.

“No, the Porta ad Inferos,” I reiterated into the phone.

“I’m afraid you’re breaking up, Jacob,” Raphael huffed. “Are you going through a tunnel or something?”

“I’m standing in our hotel room!” I snapped and then let out a sigh of frustration. “Look, can you come here in person? It’ll be a lot easier than trying to explain.”

“I’m-- my way,” the Archangel confirmed. “And-- bring along company.”

I hung up the phone and turned to the imp.

“Todd… have you been using my phone to crank call an all-powerful Archangel?” I asked as I tapped my foot on the ground.

Todd held out his hands to calm me down. “If it makes you feel any better, that’s not even close to the worst thing I’ve done with your phone,” he explained.

“How is that supposed to make me feel better?” I demanded and then tossed the phone onto the table.

“Did Todd use your phone for pornographic purposes?” Sia asked innocently. “I know I have before.”

My annoyance began to wane as I turned back to the redhead.

“You have?” I muttered in disbelief.

“Of course.” Sia giggled. “We all do it so that we can research better ways to please you.”

“Research?” I asked as I raised my eyebrow and glanced at the three beautiful women. “But you are succubi. Don’t you already know--”

“It never hurts to see what the latest trends are,” Libby said. “It’s good for fashion and sexual positions. The three of us will see what is getting the most views on the sites, and then we’ll discuss how we can incorporate the positions or fetishes into our lovemaking with you.”

“Seriously?” I laughed, and the three women smiled. “That’s, uhhh, kinda nice that you are thinking about me--”

“Of course it is,” Cupi laughed. “Everything we do is for you, Jacob. You are our master and our love. But what about you?”

“What about me?” I asked.

“Are you trying to tell us that you’ve never used your phone for porn?” the blonde grinned.

“What I do with my own phone is my business.” I winked at the fit succubus.

“I can safely say that I’ve never used your phone for sinful reasons,” a soft-yet-booming voice came from behind. “It’s things like this that make me thankful I have not given in to modern technology.”

The five of us whipped around and saw Raphael standing in the doorway. Beside him stood another tall man with long, blond locks that were tied back into an intricate hairstyle behind his head. Across his broad shoulders was a bright red cloak that hung down to his knees and clasped at the neck with a golden square. Beneath it all, he wore a basic, pristine white robe and gladiator sandals.

“Raphael.” Cupi nodded hesitantly.

“Hello Cupiditas,” Raphael returned and then extended the greeting around the room. “Superbia. Libidine. Jacob.”

“And me!” Todd jumped up and down to draw the Archangel’s attention. “Don’t forget your favorite imp!”

Raphael looked down his nose at Todd. “You are the only imp I know, so I suppose that is true,” he conceded and then motioned to his friend. “This is Uriel. He has been assigned as my partner on this mission.”

“Partner, eh?” Todd giggled. “Two pretty boys sent on a mission all by their lonesome? I know what that’s code for.”

“I don’t follow.” Raphael sounded confused.

“Let me spell this out for you,” Todd offered.

The imp held up both of his hands in front of his face and made two fists. He extended the index finger of each hand and then started to bump his fingertips together while giving the Archangels a mischievous look.

“Is he always this annoying?” Uriel rolled his eyes. The second Archangel’s voice came out much softer and at a higher pitch than his friend’s, and it sent Todd into a fit of laughter.

“Only on good days,” Raphael chuckled, “but we need to get down to business. Uriel, meet Jacob Ralston and his succubi.”

“We have names, you know,” Cupi snarked and crossed her arms. “I may have switched sides, but I’m still a divine being.”

“Where are my manners?” Uriel mused, grabbed Cupi’s hand, and kissed it delicately. “It’s nice to see you again, En--”

Cupi slapped her free hand over the Archangel’s mouth.

“Don’t you dare,” the succubus warned through gritted teeth.

Uriel put his hands up in submission and backed away. “Fine,” he mused with a cocky smile. “It’s nice to see you again, ‘Cupi.’”

“I feel like there’s a lot more to this,” Todd said as he tapped his finger on his chin, “but I also have the sneaking suspicion that it’ll be one of those ‘story for another time’ kinda shticks.”

“As much as I’d enjoy continuing these pleasantries,” Raphael said as he took over the conversation, “I’m here to talk to you about the Porta ad Inferos and Azazel’s master plan.”

“So you did understand what I was saying on the phone,” I accused the man in the robe.

“No, Jacob,” he said with a chuckle as he reached beneath the flap of his robe.

“He’s packin’ heat!” Todd screamed and ducked for cover. “I knew one of these days I was gonna push him too far!”

The Archangel rolled his eyes at the imp’s words and then brandished a hand-sized plastic device about half the size of a shoe box. Upon closer inspection, I saw that there was a thick black antenna sticking out of the top, as well as a tiny LED display and some numeric buttons.

It was a fucking brick phone.

“Impressive, isn’t it?” Raphael said with a proud smile. “The only downside is that it gets awful reception, so I have no idea what you were saying over the phone. Something about babies? Anyways, I have some urgent news for you all: Your Sister Ira has taken control of the Porta ad Inferos, and she’s going to use it to resurrect Azazel.”

“Bro, where have you been?” Todd questioned. “We already knew all that shit like four hours ago.”

“Todd!” I shushed the imp and then returned my focus to the Archangels. “You tell us what you know, and we’ll tell you what we know.”

“The Porta ad Inferos is a complex matter.” Raphael sighed. “For centuries it has resided on a small plot of farmland only an hour or two outside of your nation’s capital. Thankfully, it’s currently owned by a sweet old couple who couldn’t be more oblivious to the situation.”

“You say ‘currently’...” Liby trailed off.

“Some of the land’s previous owners were cursed with the knowledge of what lurked in their wilderness,” Uriel explained with narrowed eyes. “Some of them even tried to better themselves or profit off of their predicament, if you get what I’m saying.”

“Step right up, boys and girls,” Todd said as he did his best ringmaster impression. “Come see the Portal to Hell! Hours and hours of demon-infested fun for the entire family!”

“Not exactly,” Uriel chuckled, “but you’re close.”

“What happened to those people?” Cupiditas asked with bated breath.

“Divine intervention,” Raphael retorted and then nodded grimly. “The Divine have been tasked with keeping this land out of the hands of the Demonic, no matter the cost.”

“So you killed them?” I could feel the anger building in the pit of my stomach as I asked the question.

“Of course not,” Raphael shot back. “We’re not monsters. That’s what separates us from the Demonic.”

“Ha,” Cupi snorted, “okay.”

The Archangel completely ignored the succubus’ snide comment and continued.

“Arrangements were made,” he explained. “Sometimes it was as simple as appointing Watchers on the outskirts of the property. Other times, it involved sending representatives down to Earth Realm to negotiate with the U.S. Government to keep the land from changing hands or going public.”

“Why does that matter?” I questioned the dark-haired angel. “Can’t you simply cast a massive protective spell over the whole property and call it a day?”

“I wish it were that simple,” Uriel shook his head. “How familiar are you with Biblical Law?”

“Not very.” I shrugged.

“Are you at least familiar with some of the more popular verses?” the blond asked. “Particularly the one about giving unto Ceasar what is Ceasar’s? The Exalted One is all about teaching lessons in mysterious ways and fighting for the common man.”

“So what?” I tried to wrap my head around what the Archangel was saying. “Do Divine powers not work on public lands?”

“Community and brotherhood are very important to the Exalted One,” Uriel continued. “We cannot forbid access to that which is used for such purposes, such as what is intended to become of the land around the Porta ad Inferos.”

“What the fuck kind of rule is that?” I groaned.

“We don’t make the rules, Jacob.” Raphael shook his head. “We’re only here to explain and follow them.”

“It’s still bullshit,” I grumbled. “Why can’t you just cut another deal with the government?”

“It’s too late.” The Archangel sighed. “We miscalculated our enemies. For centuries, it was forbidden to use mind-control powers on government officials, for both Angel and Demon alike.”

“Shit woulda gotten done a lot quicker, that’s for sure.” Todd giggled.

“Precisely why it was forbidden by the Accords,” Raphael confirmed. “We didn’t figure a succubus would be so brash.”

“But now that Azazel has gone and broken the Accords, all bets are off?” Libidine questioned.

Uriel and Raphael slowly nodded in unison.

“Now,” Uriel implored, “tell us what you all know.”

I spent the next few minutes telling Raphael and Uriel all about our recent adventures with the hellhound, Sister Ira, and the ugly demon. I also told them about the incident at the Lincoln Memorial and Forneus’ use of mind control in Congress.

Both of the angels nodded curiously as we caught them up to speed.

“Are you sure it’s Forneus?” Uriel sounded skeptical. “Marvin Franklin, his alter ego, hasn’t been seen since the mid-nineties.”

“It’s a dude named Marvin Franklin,” I explained, “who’s claiming to be married to one of Azazel’s succubi and is using his influence in Congress to help the Seventy-Two Servants bring back one of their masters. Who else could it be?”

“It’s just curious, that’s all.” Uriel shrugged. “I want to be prepared for whatever we’re getting into.”

“What’s there to prepare for, Urinal?” Todd asked. “We just go to this portal, kick Forneus’ ass before he can do anything, and the world is saved once again.”

“It’s going to be much harder than that,” Raphael answered as he shook his head. “I’m certain Marvin Franklin and Sister Ira aren’t working alone. If Azazel is behind all of this, and he truly intends for this to be his revival, then there’s no telling how many other demons we’ll have to go through.”

“Then why don’t we cut off the head of the beast directly?” Sia suggested. “Why not kill Forneus before he has a chance to take this plot any further?”

Raphael rubbed the scruff on his chin. “That’s not a bad idea, Superbia.”

“His address is public knowledge,” I continued. “We could go pay the fucker a visit right in his own home. Maybe catch him by surprise?”

“I doubt there would be any other demons there,” Cupi added. “It would look suspicious if Franklin suddenly had a gathering of dozens of well-known public figures at his house.”

“That brings us to the first issue,” Uriel mused. “How would we get in and out without attracting attention to ourselves?”

“Also, how would we possibly take out a Senator without somebody noticing?” Raphael pondered.

“You Divine are such goodie-two-shoes,” Todd scoffed. “Making somebody big and powerful disappear is easy. We can take some risque pictures of Strawberry Shortcake over there and plant them all around his house. He goes missing, the police show up to investigate, find the photos, and bam! Instant scandal where everybody just assumes he fled to Mexico.”

“That’s-- That’s actually not a bad idea,” Uriel admitted. “I’m impressed.”

“Why does everybody say that when I come up with a good idea?” Todd wondered aloud.

“It would make sense for the four of us to show up at his home.” I pointed to the succubi as I continued to flesh out the plan. “We helped throw him a fundraiser, after all.”

“Surely he was the one who ordered the demon and the Hellhound to attack you?” Raphael retorted. “Why would he ever let the three of you into his home?”

“He doesn’t have to.” I grinned. “Todd, show them what you got.”

The imp giggled, snapped his fingers, and then turned invisible.

“Todd can sneak in and then unlock the doors from the inside!” Libidine exclaimed. “Jacob, that’s genius!”

“Exactly,” I confirmed. “He lets us into the house all inconspicuous, we catch Franklin by surprise--”

“And then we end his sorry existence.” Cupi was now grinning from ear to ear.

“What about Sister Ira?” Uriel asked calmly.

“What about her?” Sia shrugged. “She may be pretending to be his wife, but she has no feelings for the demon. It’s highly doubtful she would live in his dwelling. In fact, she’s probably making her final preparations for the assault on the Porta ad Inferos.”

“This is a crazy idea, but it just might work,” Raphael pondered. It finally looked like the Archangel was coming over to our side. “So, what is our role in this plan?”

“You two are both Watchers, right?” I asked.

“Correct.” Uriel nodded.

“It might raise some eyebrows to have two random six-foot-tall, hippie-looking dudes be seen going into the place,” I explained. “No offense.”

“None taken,” Raphael said with a wave of his hand.

“Seriously,” Todd added, “you guys look like you stepped straight out of Woodstock. Kinda smell like it, too.”

“Now that was offensive.” The Archangel’s eyes narrowed at the imp.

Todd slapped Raphael’s leg playfully as he giggled. “You know you love me, Raphey-boy.”

“You two can act as our backup,” I continued to address the angels. “If Forneus really is alone, then we should be able to handle him. Now, if shit really goes down, then we’re gonna need all the help we can possibly get.”

“So, just to clarify,” Sia started, “we’re going to go to Marvin Franklin’s house, kill him, and then frame him using risque pictures of me?”

“That’s the plan.” I nodded. “Any more questions, concerns, or comments?”

“Just one.” The redhead smirked. “I want to choose what I get to wear in the pictures.”

“That’s what I like to hear.” I winked at the madame and then turned back to address the group.

“Alright, guys, it’s time to go slay a demon.”

Chapter 14

As Shadow rolled into the driveway of Marvin Franklin’s mansion, the five of us sat in awe. Intricate, moss-covered rockwork lined the winding driveway leading up to the luxurious house. It stood three stories tall, and I could barely make out the cobblestone-like architecture through the dozens of trees that surrounded the dwelling.

“So that’s what six million dollars looks like, huh?” Todd whistled beside me. We should snag it for ourselves after we kill him.”

“If we’re framing him, how is that gonna work?” Libidine asked from the backseat.

“Simple!” The imp giggled and then turned his arm into a human one. “Remember these puppies? Once I get a better hold on my transforming powers, I can pretend to be Franklin himself!”

“And you’d get arrested the second you walked back into the active crime scene,” I pointed out.

“Then why do we need to frame him at all?” Todd shrugged. “Can’t we just kill the fucker, and then have me record some sorta voice message saying I resign from Congress?”

“What about all his contacts?” I grilled the imp on his audible to our play. “Franklin is a rich and powerful guy. People will start to find it suspicious if he’s still around but isn’t talking to them.”

“Why not meet halfway?” Sia suggested. “Instead of going for the criminal route, could we use Cupiditas or Libidine as our model instead?”

“That way it looks like Franklin is having a regular ol’ affair, rather than an illegal one!” Cupiditas spoke up.

“Bingo.” Todd chuckled. “Then he ‘resigns’ in disgrace and becomes a recluse in his six-million-dollar mansion. The poor guy.”

“Did we just completely audible out of our original play?” I couldn’t believe it.

“We sure did, Jakey-boy!” Todd giggled. “Seconds before we actually went through with it, too.”

“Should we tell Raphael and Uriel?” I asked. “They should probably--”

“C’est la vie, bro.” Todd shook his head. “C’est la vie. Now, are we ready to kick some demon ass?”

“I only hope we’re far enough away to have enough cover,” I said as I killed the vehicle’s engine.

It was just turning into dusk, and I had made sure to cut the headlights seconds before we turned into Franklin’s property. Thankfully, our vehicle was still fairly new, and she purred softly like a kitten. Had we tried this with Lola, we would have been spotted two miles down the road. Shadow was built for stealth, and she was coming through in spades right now.

I studied the mansion to see if there was any sort of obvious entry point for Todd to sneak in. A few lights were on in the main floor of the mansion, and there was also one on in the middle of the second story.

“There!” I exclaimed and pointed to the second story. “That window is open.”

“Say no more, Jakey.” Todd nodded and then turned invisible.

“Just be careful not to get caught,” I warned him one final time. “The last thing we want to do is go in there guns blazing if we don’t have to. Remember our signal?”

“Of course.” Todd laughed. “Aunt Jemima’s getting hot tonight.”

“That’s not--” I started to protest, but the imp was already opening the door.

“I am the night!” Todd said in a raspy voice, and then the door closed gently behind him.

“Good luck, Todd,” Liby whispered under her breath.

As I turned back to the mansion to keep watch, I could see the silhouette of a man and a woman appear through one of the first story windows.

“Oh shit,” I growled into the communicator. “Todd, I think Ira’s in there, too. Be extra careful.”

“Proceeding with caution, Thunder Down Under,” the imp’s voice confirmed.

“Is that my code name?” I chuckled. “I actually kinda like it.”

“Yep,” Todd huffed through the other line. “Cupi’s Crossfit, Liby’s Bodacious Beauty, and Sia’s China Doll. You can call me Schlongmeister.”

“I’m not calling you that,” I tried to muffle my laughter.

“You just did, bro. You just did.” Todd replied. “Schlongmeister out.”

“Right,” I said as I continued to scan the residence for any sign of activity. “Just be careful.”

The silhouette of the man in the window pulled the outline of the woman in close, and their lips appeared to touch tenderly.

“What the fuck?” Cupiditas was audibly rattled. “Are you sure that’s Sister Ira? She’d never submit herself to another demon.”

“Who else could it be?” I shushed the blonde. “Maybe they’re putting on a show for company.”

“Uh, that’s definitely not a show.” Liby chuckled as we watched the two silhouettes kiss passionately and push their bodies close together. “Though if it is, I really want to know what kind of stuff they’re into.”

The man and woman in the window began to disrobe each other without breaking their smooch, and then they disappeared out of view.

“Hey Todd, are you in the house yet?” I asked through the transmitter.

“Squeezing through the window right now,” Todd’s voice answered. “Holy fuck, this place looks nicer than Quinn’s mansion!”

“Be on high alert,” I warned. “The people in the house moved out of our sight. They looked like they were getting frisky so I wouldn’t be surprised if they ended up in one of the bedrooms.”

“Ohhh yeah.” Todd snickered. “I’m inside, and I can hear them loud and clear. They’re really getting into it in there. Wanna hear?”

“Just come down and unlock the door, Todd,” I said with a sigh.

“Can’t you give me a second?” the imp implored. “I can be done in--”

“Todd!” I tried to bring his focus back to the mission.

“Alright, alright,” he said. “I guess I’ll just have to wait until we’re back at our place. I’ve got a new contraption in the second bedroom that I’ve been dying to try out.”

I gagged. “I’m gonna pretend we didn’t hear that. Just get down here.”

“On my way, Jakey,” Todd confirmed.

I restarted Shadow’s engine, flipped on the low beams, and kicked her into gear.

We drove up to the front of Franklin’s house as if we were regular visitors, and then the four of us slid out of the vehicle as quietly as we could. The succubi and I made our way to the large brown front door, pretended to knock, and then stood back and waited.

The whole exercise was probably pointless, but we at least needed to put on a good show for the security cameras. Once we’d killed this fucker, I was going to have to go in and erase some of the footage, anyway. That would make it look like Franklin didn’t want anyone to see him coming and going late at night, and further the claims of infidelity.

A few seconds later, we heard the click of the locks, the rattle of the deadbolt chain, and the door was opened by an unseen force.

“You rang?” Todd’s voice giggled softly.

“Good job, bro.” I smiled at the space where I thought the imp stood.

As I entered, I took a second to admire the structure. Unlike our Presidential suite at the Mandarin Oriental, the entire interior of this house was ripped straight out of the seventeen-hundreds Colonial. The light-colored hardwood floors blended in with the cream wallpaper and the white molding. Every now and again, the bright palette was broken up by the occasional accent of a dark wooden chair or banister. The furniture looked old and antique, and even the light in the entryway radiated out of a chandelier that looked like it was at least a hundred years old.

Todd was right, this place was a lot fancier than Robert Quinn’s mansion. Though I still wasn’t sure if I preferred it to our luxurious dwelling back in Phoenix.

“Did you see anybody else while you were scoping the place out?” I asked the imp nervously.

“Nada,” he retorted. “Just the two lovebirds.”

We made our way up the beautiful wooden staircase, and I couldn’t help but cringe every time the wood creaked underneath our feet.

“I don’t think you gotta be too quiet.” Todd giggled. “I don’t think those two could hear an airliner taking off right at the moment.”

“Was it Sister Ira?” Sia asked the imp.

“I didn’t see them,” Todd answered, “but I sure as fuck heard them. I could have sworn this dude was fruitier than Fruit Loops, but I guess not.”

Once we were at the top of the stairs, it was easy to understand what the imp was talking about. The entire area around us was filled with the sound of muffled groans, moans, and grunts. It sounded like they were really enjoying themselves.

It was almost a shame that we were going to have to interrupt them.

Just down the hallway was the source of the noise, a large entryway with white double doors that were left wide open.

I looked at the succubi and then motioned for them to move in on both sides of the structure. Cupi and Liby sprouted their wings and then floated softly up to the ceiling. There was only a two or three-foot clearing between the roof and the top of the doorway, so both women had to press their bodies tightly against the ceiling as they passed over.

Once they were finally safe on the other side, I nodded and summoned a ball of red Hellfire into my hand. My four friends followed suit and readied their own glowing flames.

I started the silent countdown with a “one.”

These two were gonna be a challenge, but I knew that catching them by surprise may even the odds in our favor.

Two.

I took a deep breath as adrenaline coursed through my body.

Three.

The five of us leapt around the corner and unleashed a hailstorm of spells at the two figures on the bed.

The fucker must have really been surprised because I could see the whites of his eyes from all the way across the room.

Franklin quickly shoved the woman on top of him off and rolled out of the way of the attack just before the bed was incinerated, stabbed, and disintegrated all at the same time. The politician came up swinging with a blast of his own red Hellfire, but I quickly knocked it away with a purple shield.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the naked woman try to make a run for it, but then a blast of Cupi’s blue fire stopped her in her tracks.

“We can be real boner-killers sometimes, huh?” Todd chuckled and turned visible once again.

“Let her go!” Franklin demanded. “She’s innocent. She has no knowledge of anything I’ve been doing.”

“Even better,” I sneered. “You’re doing our job for us. I thought you were gay, anyway?”

Franklin looked puzzled for a second, and then grew angrier.

“Is that what Ira told you?” he growled. “Why the fuck does she keep telling people that?”

Before I could even process the information or make a snide comment, I reached out with my green flame and tossed a large dresser at the fucker. Todd followed up with a couple of baseball-sized blasts, and Liby hurled a few glowing yellow spears.

Franklin blasted the deadly piece of furniture with red Hellfire into smaller chunks of wood and splinters. Without missing a beat, he cast an emerald spell over the chunks, twisted his body, and then used them as makeshift shields. Libidine’s spears and Todd’s fireballs lit up the remnants of the dresser, but Franklin was unscathed.

“Liby!” I ordered. “Get that woman out of here and see what she knows. Then make her forget all of it.”

“Got it!” the curvy succubus called out. Then she backflipped into the air and then flew toward the frozen woman. Cupi released her spell on the naked blonde, and then Libidine picked her up in her arms and darted out of the room.

While that was happening, I didn’t waste a second to toss a ray of jade fire around Marvin Franklin. As the flames surrounded him, I moved my enchanted hand to the side and sent him hurtling toward the flaming bed.

Franklin tossed up a violet shield of his own to stop his trajectory, and I heard a wet pop as he collided with his barrier. He shot a blast of red Hellfire down into the ground and rocketed himself upward, out of the trajectory of my jade trap. Before he could come down on the ground, a fireball from Cupi struck him in the shoulder and sent him spinning backward. Franklin crashed into the bookcase on the wall behind him and completely decimated the piece of furniture.

The naked man pulled himself out of the rubble, and he was now looking much worse for wear. Franklin now wore a third-degree burn on his left shoulder that appeared to still be bubbling with red-hot gore. He gritted his teeth, clapped his hands together, and summoned yellow Hellfire into his palms as he pulled them apart.

I was prepared for a handful of enchanted spears, but Franklin’s hatred spell manifested itself very differently than Libi’s. The yellow fire engulfed his body and lifted him up into the air.

Sia and Cupi tried to halt his ascent with a blast of black and blue flames, but the attacks did little but bounce off.

Franklin laughed maniacally, raised his arm above his head, and placed his open palm on the ceiling of the room. The yellow fire spread across the Colonial interior as quick as lightning and headed downward.

“Off the ground!” Cupi demanded as she scooped up Sia in her arms and lifted off into the air while I hopped up and summoned a platform of purple Hellfire beneath my feet.

Not a second later, the rush of yellow flames met up on the floor, and massive yellow spikes shot out from the walls, ceiling, and ground. If any one of us had been standing there or even near a wall, they would have been skewered, but thankfully, none of us had… and then I remembered Todd.

That’s when the imp let out a high-pitched scream, and my heart hit my stomach at the thought of my best friend being skewered by this fucker. I looked down and saw that the imp was perfectly fine since his body was pinned harmlessly in the space between a few of the spikes.

“Worst game of Twister ever!” the imp grumbled. “Here, Jakey.”

Todd fumbled around in his pocket and then produced a familiar black cube. It was one of the portable Demon Traps Raphael had given us, so I summoned it into my free hand with an emerald flame, and then I quickly shifted my flames to red.

Before I could use the Key of Solomon, Franklin clapped his hands together like a crocodile, and the walls of the massive spike trap mimicked his actions. As the entire room of death slammed down on us all, I was forced to drop the Demon Trap so I could call forth four small purple walls around my friends and me.

Even so, the impact of Franklin’s attack drove me to my knees and nearly knocked me off my ledge. I grunted as I held my ground and pushed back with my power. I was the only thing keeping my friends from being turned into human pincushions, and there was nothing in the world that was going to get me to release my spell.

“You’re much more annoying than Ira warned,” Franklin hissed, “but you’ll break eventually. I’ve got all damn day, ‘Marcus.’”

“Jacob!” Sia exclaimed. “Your Divine powers are taking over!”

I could feel the holy energy surging through my body as my horns sprouted from my temples. I let out a primal scream, stood back to my feet, and forcefully pushed the massive spikes away from my friends.

“Well I don’t have all fucking day, ‘Marvin,’” I growled as I released the purple spell above me and blasted the fucker with a brilliant white light.

The spikes on the floor and ceiling disappeared as Franklin refocused his energy into a protective violet barrier of his own. The white light struck the shield, but instead of ricocheting off, it drove the fucker up into the ceiling. The politician let out a wail of pain as his burnt shoulder struck the roof.

I halted my attack, and Franklin fell from ten or more feet onto the ground.

“Hold still!” Todd giggled as he snatched up the demon trap I’d dropped on the floor. “This will only hurt for a minute.”

The Key of Solomon projected out onto the fucker’s collapsed body, ensnaring him in its spell.

Or so we thought.

“Why isn’t it working?” Cupiditas gasped.

“Forneus couldn’t possibly be that strong!” Sia added.

I had no idea why our trusty demon trap didn’t work, but I sure as fuck was going to find out.

Franklin giggled as he weakly pulled himself to his feet. His nose was bloody and broken, and the gash on his shoulder was now so gnarly that you could see all the way to his bones.

“Ira’s plan worked perfectly,” he cackled as he nursed his useless left arm.

“Start talking,” I demanded, “or we’re going to make your death a whole lot more painful.”

The politician’s hand lit up as he produced a small yellow dagger. Without another word, he plunged it upward toward his skull.

“Wait--” I implored but was cut off by a blast of blue Hellfire.

Cupi’s spell struck Marvin Franklin’s hand a millisecond before he delivered the fatal blow and froze him in time. Sia followed her sister’s lead and quickly ensnared the fucker with her black Hellfire.

Franklin’s body was lifted into the air as he struggled to breathe. He tried to cast some sort of defensive spell, but Sia’s magic reduced his spell to little more than a few brightly-colored sparks.

“You heard Jacob,” the madame hissed and then lowered the flames so that Franklin’s head was free. “Start talking.”

Marvin Franklin simply laughed. “You should have seen the look on your fucking faces,” he taunted. “You all thought that demon trap was gonna work!”

“Why didn’t it?” I demanded. “Is that your black Hellfire power? Immunity to demon traps?”

The fucker started to cackle even louder at my words. “You still don’t get it, do you?” He grinned. “I’m not a demon.”

“Nice try, Forneus,” Cupi spat. “We know who you really are. Only somebody as fucking sinister as you could come up with such a convoluted scheme to gain access to the Porta ad Inferos.”

“Don’t talk about your sister that way, succubus.” Franklin chuckled. “It was her idea.”

“You’re the demon of rhetoric and manipulation.” Sia tightened her spell, and there was an audible pop from somewhere inside the politician’s torso. “Do you really think we’re going to fall for your tricks?”

“Plus you’re a politician,” Todd added. “I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you.”

“Believe what you want,” Franklin shook his head, “but I’m not Forneus. I’m just a plain ol’ mortal who got wrapped up in the demonic world.”

“A mortal?” I sneered. “You seem pretty powerful in the dark arts for a fucking mortal.”

“That’s what happens when you’ve been a loyal follower of Azazel for centuries, poser.” He laughed. “Unlike the rest of my brethren, I didn’t fall for you and the traitorous succubi’s charm. Once the Father of Warfare has returned, he will join with his brethren and bring the Army of the Divine to its knees.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, kiddo,” Todd scoffed. “We already know where the Porta ad Inferos is. After we splatter you all over this beautiful interior and tarnish your legacy, we’re gonna go there and stop Sister Ira.”

“Tarnish my legacy?” Franklin cackled.

“We’re gonna make you more disgraced than OJ, bro,” Todd warned. “Political legacy ruined, publically disgraced, all that fun stuff.”

“Do you honestly think I give a fuck about the mortal name of a long-dead demon?” Franklin shook his head.

“So Forneus is dead,” Sia confirmed.

“Forneus was weak,” the politician explained. “My master and his brethren killed him a long time ago. Sister Ira suggested I take on his alias just to fuck with you. It looks like it worked.”

“That does sound like Ira,” Cupi noted with a shrug.

“My legacy will live on eternally as the man who finally gained the Demonic access to the Porta ad Inferos, the mortal who brought about the end of the Divine rule!” Franklin’s voice now grew shrill and insane.

“Too bad you won’t be around to see it, huh?” I growled.

Without another word, I used my green Hellfire powers to pick up two broken pieces of the oaken dresser. I raised them up on each side of Franklin’s head, tossed up a purple barrier behind the fucker, and then I slammed the debris together.

Fragments of skull bone and gore sprayed across the violet shield with the first blow, but Franklin simply laughed in agony. The second time, the fucker’s jaw was dislocated, and his tongue flapped helplessly out of his mouth as he continued with the gurgled howling. Finally, the third blow reduced his head to a bloody pulp, and the cocky fucker was silenced.

Sia released her spell, and Franklin’s dead body fell to the ground.

“We need to go find Liby and the Archangels,” I commanded. “If Sister Ira has played us this far, then chances are she’s still one step ahead of us. We need to change that.”

“What are you suggesting, Jacob?” Sia questioned.

“We need to do the last thing she’d expect,” I said as I made my way out of the room. “We need to head straight to the source, the Portas ad Inferos.”

Chapter 15

“This is a foolish idea, Jacob,” Raphael warned as I walked around the hotel room gathering up our stuff. “Seeking out the Porta ad Inferos will lead you to nothing but pain and suffering.”

“We have to get ahead of Ira,” I retorted angrily. “She’s going to find out about her little boy toy’s death soon, and then she’s gonna come looking for us. I’ve already told Jane and Oliver to head out this way and meet us by the property.”

“Alright,” the Archangel continued, “say you get there before her. Then what? The pit cannot be closed. Will you just wait for her with your army of cultists at your side?”

“Maybe.” I shrugged and tossed some of my clothes into my duffel bag. “If that’s what it takes to stop Azazel from being reborn, then I’m ready to go to war.”

“There hasn’t been a legitimate battle between the forces of good and evil in centuries,” Raphael pleaded. “Even our little scuffle with Azazel and his minions was just that, a scuffle. I can assure you that Ira will not be coming to the Porta ad Inferos alone.”

I dropped the duffel bag onto the floor in a fit of anger and turned to the Archangel. “Then what are you suggesting?” I demanded. “That we do nothing while that asshole Azazel is revived an hour away from here?”

“Maybe.” Uriel now spoke. “The forces of the Divine have defeated Azazel in battle before. His army of followers has thinned, and his ego is certainly rattled from being bested by a mortal two times in a row.”

“That’s what scares me.” Sia nodded grimly. “I know how Azazel’s mind works. He was willing to break the Accords simply to pump up his own ego. Who knows what he will do once he is back on Earth in the flesh?”

“He won’t stop until we’re all dead,” Cupi added. “And then, pumped up from his victory, he’ll march right to Heaven’s gates with Lucifer’s army in tow.”

“If he even can be resurrected,” Raphael objected. “Sister Ira lied to you about Forneus. How do you know she isn’t lying to you about her master plan?”

“Doubtful,” I countered. “She’s gone through an awful lot of trouble to get to this point and to get this land freed up. Ira might be crazy, but I doubt she’d go this far for a cruel joke.”

“Not a joke, Jacob,” the dark-haired archangel continued. “I fear she might be setting a trap for you.”

“How so?” I asked curiously.

Raphael put his hand on my shoulder and then knelt down slightly to look me in the eye. “The Porta ad Inferos only goes one way, Jacob. What if Sister Ira isn’t trying to resurrect Azazel, but rather send you to Hell where her master can kill you himself? Even if you survived, there would be no way back.”

The Archangel had a point. That did sound like the sort of sadistic ploy a BDSM succubus would come up with. But then why all the pomp and circumstance? Why would Ira have jumped through a million hoops just to kill us?

Something didn’t add up.

“I appreciate your concern, Raphael,” I told the dark-haired man. “I really do, but I still think we should go check it out. If you think it’s a bad idea, then you don’t have to come along. We can handle Ira and whatever she throws at us on our own.”

“Yeah,” Todd scoffed. “We didn’t need your help last time, and we were just fine. Jakey and I here took out a thousand cultists all by our lonesome.”

The imp’s words were a gross exaggeration, of course, but both Uriel and Raphael stood there for a moment and pondered.

“We would never abandon you, Jacob,” Raphael finally spoke. “If you wish to fight Sister Ira head-on, then we will fight by your side.”

“I like you, mortal,” Urial added. “You’ve got gusto and fear no one. In fact--”

“He didn’t say ‘no homo,’ bro,” Todd whispered loudly in my ear.

“In fact,” Uriel continued, visibly rattled by the imp’s words, “I’d even go so far as to say Raphael and I would be willing to round up more of our brethren to aid your cause.”

The Archangel’s offer made my attitude do a one-eighty. I stood up, smiled at the two angels, and then clapped my hands together happily.

“That’s what I like to hear.” I grinned. “How long do you guys need to gather up more angels?”

“The location of the Porta ad Inferos is only an hour or so away from here with your Earth vehicles, right?” Uriel asked hopefully.

“Of course.” I nodded. “My guess is that we can be there sometime around early morning.”

“That’s all the time we will need,” Raphael said and then turned to Uriel. “Come, brother. Let us go and gather as many of our forces as we can. Tonight, the next chapter in the war begins.”

Raphael walked over to Uriel, and then the two closed their eyes and vanished with a flash of brilliant light.

“Bro.” Todd rubbed his eyes in agony. “If we’re gonna continue our relationship with these angels, we really need to invest in some sunglasses or something. It feels like my eyes had their assholes stretched open with red-hot pokers.”

I shook my head and chuckled. “Where do you come up with these analogies?”

“My brilliant imp mind.” Todd tapped his temple slyly. “That, and a fuckton of weed.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see all three of the succubi huddled together, whispering and giggling to each other. When they noticed me looking, Cupiditas pretended to yawn.

“We have a long day ahead of us,” she said with mock weariness. “If we want to get there as early as we’re planning, then we’re going to need to hit the sack here pretty soon.”

“I get it.” Todd winked at the blonde. “You want to go play tonsil hockey or hide the salami or-- You know what? I’m too fucking tired to think up another clever analogy. I’m gonna go hit the sack for real while you hit up Jacob’s.”

The imp sauntered off toward his bedroom suite, dragging his feet and rubbing his eyes the entire way until he was out of view.

I turned back to the succubi and gave them a coy smile. “Is that really the reason you wanted to get me alone?”

Libidine tilted her head downward and then looked up at me with her violet doe eyes. “We just figured that it would be nice if we could grow our connection a little bit more,” she said innocently. “We do have a large battle in the morning.”

“Not to mention, it’ll help us sleep better,” Cupi added with a giggle.

“I thought it’d be fun,” Sia cooed.

“Alright,” I held up my hands in defeat sarcastically, “you’ve twisted my arm. Shall we head to the bedroom?”

Cupi walked over and placed her hand on my chest. “I was thinking more about that large shower,” she purred.

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” I said as I wrapped my arm around the fit blonde and then stuck out my hands for the other two. “Darlings?”

Sia and Liby took my hand and instantly began to pull me toward the bedroom suite. We made our way into the bathroom, and the succubi didn’t waste another single second before they got undressed.

Sia tugged off her shirt in a single pull, exposing her petite breasts and small red nipples. The redhead twirled her hair playfully as she removed her shorts and tossed them seductively onto the bench on the other side of the bathroom.

I tried to admire the delicate, fiery flower between Sia’s legs, but my vision was quickly obscured by the fabric of my own shirt as it was pulled over my head.

“We’ve had such a long day,” Sia cooed. “We’re all hot and sweaty and dirty, so I’m going to prepare the shower. In the meantime, you girls get him going.”

“Right away, Sister Superbia,” Libidine giggled, and then I felt her hands pull at my waistband.

The next thing I knew I was fully naked and the two succubi were down on their knees in front of me.

“You know, I’ve seen this thing many times, but I’m still always taken aback by how huge it is,” Cupi mused as she wrapped her hand around the base of my erection and began to stroke. “I’ll let you do the honors, Liby. You need the practice.”

Libidine didn’t hesitate or make a witty remark. Instead, she moved her head forward and wrapped her warm lips around the tip of my cock. Her violet eyes looked up and locked with my own as she slowly made her way down the shaft of my rock-hard dick.

“I know you can do it,” Cupi playfully taunted the curvy succubus. “Just keep pushing.”

As she talked, the fit blonde pulled her shirt over her head, and my eyes began to wander up and down her torso. Cupi’s body was that of a goddess. Her stomach was tight and chiseled, and her arms were toned. Then there were her breasts, which also looked like they were perfectly crafted by a master sculptor. They were abnormally perky, with thick nipples that stuck out like the eraser of a pencil.

A wave of pleasure shot through my body and quickly put my focus back on Libidine.

The succubus had now gone almost all the way down, but she was struggling to get the last few inches into her mouth.

I could feel the back of her throat spasming against the head of my penis, and I probably would have filled her full of my cum right there and then if I had less self-control.

Liby must have sensed my satisfaction because she suddenly got a second wind. Her lips slid up the remaining part of my shaft, and the corners of her lips curled upward into a half-smile.

“Gooood,” Cupi purred and rubbed the back of her friend’s head. “Want me to take over?”

Liby’s eyes narrowed and darted over to the blonde. Then the curvy woman’s hand reached up and began to gently rub my balls as she continued to move delicately back and forth. The succubus wasn’t going to give up her prize.

“Fine, be that way.” Cupi shrugged and then stood up. “I’ll go have some fun with Superbia. See you in a bit.”

As the fit blonde walked toward the shower, I couldn’t help but admire her bouncing ass. She looked back, blew me a kiss, and then walked into the glass shower.

The entire encasement was already covered with steam, and my imagination ran wild as I thought about what they could have been doing in there, but my thoughts were cut off as Liby let my erection pop out from the grasp of her voluptuous lips. I let out another groan of pleasure in response.

“Superbia asked me to get you ready,” the succubus cooed and pulled at her shirt. “I fully intend to do so. You’ll be ready for round two, right?”

“With you three?” I chuckled. “Always.”

Libidine’s massive breasts fell away from the fabric of her shirt and bounced vivaciously on her chest.

“Okay, let’s play a game,” the dark-haired woman mused. “Let’s see if I can get you off without using my best asset.”

“Your personality?” I joked.

“Very funny.” Liby giggled and then slowly raised up so that her breasts were inches away from my erection. “Good thing I already got it all nice and wet, right?”

I knew what was coming, but even then, I wasn’t prepared at all for what happened next.

Liby smooshed her giant breasts around my cock and began to move her entire torso up and down. As it passed by the top of her rack, the succubus would lap her long tongue against the tip.

It was far from the first time she’d done this, but for some reason this time it felt like total euphoria. I held back for as long as I could, but the sight of Libidine’s beautiful face staring up at me seductively as she pleasured me nearly sent me over the edge.

The succubus finally stopped, wrapped her hand around the base of my dick, and slid it back into her mouth.

I couldn’t take it anymore. My hands slid onto the back of Libidine’s head, and I unloaded what felt like a gallon into her mouth.

The succubus took it all in stride, pulled her head back, and then licked her lips as a satisfied look spread across her face.

“Yummy,” she said with a wink and then stood to her feet. “I hope you really are ready to go again because it sounds like my sisters may have already gotten started without us.”

From behind the steamed-covered glass, I could hear a few muffled moans.

“What are we waiting for, then?” I asked and started for the shower. “Let’s jump right into the action!”

As I pulled open the door of the shower, I was greeted with one of the most incredible sights anyone could ask for.

Cupi had Sia pressed against the tile wall, locked in a passionate kiss. One of the fit blonde’s hands gently caressed the redhead’s face, while the other held a pulsating shower head between Sia’s legs.

Sia’s legs looked like they were about to give out from weakness, so I quickly ran over and grabbed her from behind.

“Just in time,” the redhead moaned as Cupi pulled away.

“It’s almost a shame.” Cupi giggled. “I was really enjoying that, but now the real fun can begin.”

Libidine’s hands wrapped around the front of Cupiditas’ soaking wet body and began to rub her seductively.

“Jacob and I already had some fun while you two were in here,” she purred into the blonde’s ear, “but it looks like he’s already good to go again.”

Sia nodded in agreement as she bent over and slid herself back onto my cock.

We both let out a groan as I entered her pussy, and then I slowly began pumping in and out of her while the other two succubi watched.

“Don’t think we’re gonna sit back and do nothing.” Cupi brandished the shower head playfully.

As I was gliding in and out of the redhead’s wet pussy, the blonde succubus walked over and slid the massager back down between Sia’s legs.

Sia’s moans grew louder instantly.

Liby followed Cupi over, turned to face her friend’s torso, and then slowly began to tease her nipples one at a time with her mouth.

The madame’s groans of pleasure were getting more intense by the second. A minute or two later, she threw out her arm to brace herself against the wall and repeatedly orgasmed on my cock.

“Next?” she giggled as she slid off and stumbled forward.

“My turn!” Cupi shot Liby a look as she strutted past. “You two have already had your fun.”

For whatever reason, the way the fit blonde spoke her words got me all hot and bothered. Before she could do anything, I swept her up in my arms, one hand on the small of her back and the other between her shoulders. I picked up Cupi and slid her slender body down onto my erection.

She responded by wrapping her legs around my waist and pressing her lips passionately against mine.

The two of us continued to make out as Cupi ground her hips up and down on my cock. My eyes were closed, but I could picture the succubus’ entire body in my mind vividly. Every curve, every tone, and every smooth feature.

Then, I heard Libidine let out a gasp, and I forced one of my eyes open.

Sia was down on her knees in front of the dark-haired woman. Her face was pressed tightly against Libidine’s slit, and it appeared that her jaw was getting quite the workout. Liby’s eyes were nearly rolling back in her head as she ran her hands lovingly through Sia’s wet hair.

Meanwhile, Cupi’s perfect breasts were bouncing happily with each thrust against my pelvis, and the blonde was now staring into my eyes deeply as she bit her lip.

“I think-- I think I’m almost there!” she said through gasps.

I increased the pace of my thrusts, and Cupi bit her lip more intensely. As her moans grew louder, it drove me closer and closer to the edge.

The fit blonde suddenly tensed up and wrapped her arms around my torso. Her entire body quivered as she let out a moan so loud that it could have shattered the glass around us.

At the same time, I heard Libidine let out an orgasmic wail.

That was it. I felt myself pass over the brink, and Cupi’s pussy continued to shudder as I filled it up with my sperm.

Both of us were breathing heavily as I sat the blonde back onto the wet tile floor.

“Whew,” I panted. “Thank goodness we’re already in the shower, huh?”

The four of us did a quick pass over on our bodies with soap and water, and then we exited the shower with haste. We helped each other dry off, and then we headed to bed.

“What a fucking day.” I sighed as I slid under the sheets of the king-sized bed.

“No pun intended?” Cupi giggled and rolled over so that she was next to me under the covers.

Sia snuggled up on my other side, and Libidine plunked down next to her.

“Tomorrow is going to be much, much worse,” the redhead admitted. “I can almost assure you of that.”

“That’s why it’s so important to enjoy the here and now,” I mused. “Tomorrow is a big day. Hopefully, twenty-four hours from now, we’ll be on the road back home, maybe even with another member of our party.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Liby said groggily.

I reached out with my telekinetic flames and flipped off the light switch on the other side of the room. As our bedroom suite went dark, I thought about what was going to happen next.

If Raphael was right, then the war between Heaven and Hell was about to get a whole lot more real.

Chapter 16

My eyes shot open when I heard the sound of the blaring alarm across the room. This had been the best sleep I had gotten in weeks, and I was halfway tempted to smash the damn alarm with my telekinesis. Or burn it to a crisp with my Hellfire. Or just toss it out the window.

I looked up and saw a large red “2:00 a.m.” staring me back in the face. As much as I didn’t want to get up, we needed to make it to the Porta ad Inferos before the current residents were awake and could see us snooping around.

I closed my eyes and fought against my urge to fall back asleep. Instead, I thought about how much I didn’t want to wake up. That was disgusting enough to conjure up a small blast of emerald fire and press off the snooze button without even sitting up in bed.

The succubi’s soft, warm skin was still pressed up tightly against my chest, but they began to stir. I doubt anyone could have slept through the shrill ear-torture that had been blasting in our ears.

“I don’t want to wake up.” Liby yawned. “I’d love it if we could just stay in bed all day.”

Cupiditas sat up, and I had to stifle a laugh. The blonde succubus was suffering from a major case of bedhead, and her short hair shot off in every direction like a beautiful bird’s nest. She smacked her lips together, rubbed her eyes, and then groaned.

“Is it really time to wake up already?” she moaned and then slammed her head back down onto the pillow.

Sia was already out of bed and heading toward the bathroom. The redhead re-emerged a few moments later, fully dressed and with all our clothes in hand.

“Good morning, sunshines.” The madame grinned and tossed our clothes on the bed.

“What the hell is so good about it?” Cupi asked as she forced herself off the king-sized mattress. “It’s two in the morning.”

“Early to bed, early to rise--” Sia began.

“If you say one more word, I’m going to throw you through the wall, sister,” Cupi growled through her messy hair.

“Yikes,” I whispered to Liby, “I knew Cupi was the ‘grumpier’ one of the group, but I’ve never seen her this way.”

“Cupiditas despises mornings,” the dark-haired succubus stifled a giggle “and today is a very early morning.”

“Would some coffee and donuts make things better?” I offered the blonde. “There’s a place down the road that’s open twenty-four hours.”

“Any sort of food would be incredible,” Cupi acknowledged as she tugged her skintight shorts up over her ass.

“Please, get her sustenance as soon as possible,” Sia joked. “I’m starting to fear for my life.”

The succubi and I finished getting dressed and then headed out to the main area of the suite.

“I wonder if Todd is awake?” Libidine asked curiously. “I hope we haven’t kept him waiting.”

“I can almost promise you that he’s not.” I laughed. “If anything, he probably hasn’t even gone to bed yet.”

I walked through the den of the suite and knocked a couple times on Todd’s door.

“Yo, Toddster,” I called through the large white piece of colonial wood. “It’s time to head out. You awake?”

“Bro…” I heard a groggy groan from the other side. “It’s two in the morning. Being up this early should be illegal.”

“Another thing to add to your platform,” I noted playfully. “I know for a fact you’d have Cupi’s vote. Now come on, we need to get going.”

“Give me like, two seconds, bro,” Todd groaned.

I stepped away from the door and headed back to join the succubi.

“Do we have a plan when we get to the Porta ad Inferos?” Sia asked. “Certainly we’re not going to just ‘wing it,’ right?”

“It all depends on what the situation is when we arrive,” I explained. “Ideally, we set a few traps or try to create a defensive perimeter around the Gateway.”

“And if we don’t get there in time?” Liby asked somberly.

My expression stretched downward into a frown as I pondered her words. “If they’re already there, then we’ll just have to take as many demons out as we can and hope that Jane, Oliver, and Raphael arrive with reinforcements in time.”

“Great plan, bro.” Todd chuckled from around the corner. “Is it weird that I’m almost hoping it’s the second one?”

When the imp came around the corner, the succubi and I all gasped in shock. The imp was no longer an imp at all. Instead, there stood Todd Masterson, in all his human glory.

It’d been quite a while since I’d seen Todd’s original form, but it was just as I remembered. My friend’s long, blonde hair was greasy and unkempt, and he had a tiny soul patch on his chin. Thankfully, he must have remembered that humans couldn’t hide their shame like an imp, and he was wearing one of the suite’s bathrobes.

“Bro,” Todd rubbed his eyes groggily, “I think I’ve gotta case of the humans. I’ve had these hands since one in the morning.”

“Just the hands?” I asked coyly. “Not the whole--”

“What the fuck are you talking about, bro?” Todd’s face contorted with confusion.

“Your powers are working fully!” Sia giggled. “How charming. I see you started off with a fairly simple form. Are you the homeless man from down the street?”

The redhead’s words made me double over with laughter. I’d forgotten that she’d never seen Todd as anything other than a demon, and the idea of her confusing him with a homeless man was hysterical.

Todd looked around at the four of us, completely lost. “These are my old human arms,” he explained. “I figured that if I couldn’t control when my shit gets all changed up, at least I could make sure it’s a familiar grip.”

“Familiar grip?” Libidine said as she tried to make sense of Todd’s sentence.

“You don’t want him to answer that,” I warned and then turned my attention back to Todd. “Bro, are you sure it’s just your hands that got changed?”

“What do you mean?” he said through a blank stare.

“Todd,” Cupi hinted, “don’t you feel a bit… Taller this morning?”

“I noticed that my robe was fitting much tighter.” The blond guy shrugged. “I simply figured I hit imp puberty or something.”

“You might wanna go look in the mirror,” I suggested.

“Why?” A look of realization spread across Todd’s face. “Oh, no.”

Todd ran off into the nearest bathroom to check himself out. Seconds later, there arose a blood-curdling scream.

“Welp,” I chuckled, “he’s definitely awake now.”

The scream went on for a solid minute before it finally ended.

“Wait a minute,” Todd called out from the other side of the suite. “This might not be as bad as I thought.”

Todd’s footsteps rang out through the suite and grew closer and closer as he returned to the rest of the group. When he finally came back into view, I couldn’t help but laugh.

He wasn’t Todd at all anymore. He was John Wayne.

“Hey there, pilgrim,” he said in his best Duke imitation. “We gott-a go round up some demons and take ‘em back to the ranch.”

“Bravo, Todd,” I said as I applauded the imp.

“No need ta thank me, pilgrim.” He couldn’t keep a straight face as he gave me a tip of his hat, breaking down into impish giggles.

John Wayne’s body was suddenly engulfed with a brilliant flame, and then he started to shapeshift once more. His large nose and jowls slowly morphed into more pointed features, and his body began to shrink as horns replaced his cowboy hat. Soon the figure was back in the imp’s familiar form, with the oversized bathrobe hanging off his shoulders like the train of a dress.

“That’s gonna be a game-changer, guys,” Todd said with a shit-eating grin.

“It certainly is.” Sia sounded impressed. “Think of how much easier it’ll be for espionage or trickery missions now that we have a shapeshifter in our midsts?”

“Fuck the missions,” Todd scoffed. “Think of how much easier it’ll be to pick up chicks! Most of them are too intimidated by the sweet imp body and my massive schlong. Now, I can woo them over while looking like a Calvin Klein model.”

“Maybe you can--” I started, but the imp cut me off.

“And with my massive schlong,” he continued.

“Well yeah, but--”

“I wonder if I can change my dick size with these powers?” Todd closed his eyes and tried to focus.

“I think we need to go--”

Todd’s eyes grew wide as he peeked inside his robe. “The answer is a resounding ‘yes.’”

“Ew,” I groaned playfully. “Really didn’t need to know that.”

“We should probably get going,” Cupi grumbled. “I need to get some food in me, or it’s gonna be a reeeaaalll long drive. For all of us.”

“Food?” Todd perked up. “Why didn’t you say so? Let’s go! Did you know there’s a twenty-four-hour donut shop not too far from here?”

“That’s what-- Nevermind.” I sighed. “You should probably still stay invisible for now, at least until we can find you some human clothes to wear or you get a stronger handle on your powers.”

“Can I practice in the car?” Todd laughed. “There’s a million different people I wanna pretend to be!”

“Sure thing, bro.” I shook my head with a smile as I tossed my duffel bag back up onto my shoulder. “Now, let’s hit the road.”

As much as I wanted to stay in this incredible suite, we were already behind schedule. I took one last look around the colonial interior as the three succubi and the imp sauntered through the threshold, and then I closed the door.

The five of us made our way down into the lobby, checked out of our room, and then headed out to Shadow.

As I slid into the comfy leather interior, I couldn’t help but feel exhausted. Despite the incredible night the succubi and I had spent together, we were still only running on a couple of hours of sleep. I turned the key in the ignition, and Shadow purred to life. I kicked the Jeep Wrangler into gear, and we headed off to our next destination, the all-important donut shop.

Honestly, I wasn’t even sure the strongest coffee in the world would keep me focused at this point. I was still worn out from the events of yesterday, and there was a lot on my mind at the moment.

The twenty-four-hour shop was only a few miles away, and it was no time at all before we were pulling up to the large screens of the drive-thru.

“What can I get for you this fine morning?” a woman’s voice announced through the loudspeaker.

“Can we get a dozen donuts?” I ordered into the speaker. “A mixed variety box, if you have one.”

I felt Todd tugging on the sleeve of my shirt. “Bro, I want a whole box for myself. Chocolate glazed.”

“And one dozen of the chocolate glaze--”

“The more glazy, the better,” the imp implored. “I want that shit to look like it just went through a bukkake scene.”

I had to take a moment to get the disgusting image out of my head.

“Extra glaze on those, if you could,” I forced myself to say through my gag reflex, “and then a couple coffees.”

“Cream or sugar?” the voice asked.

“You know how I am.” Todd was now mockingly using a ‘Jersey Girl’ voice. “I just, like, can’t even function until I’ve had my iced macchiato with two pumps of coconut milk, a hint of ginger spice, and a teensy-tiny pinch of peppermint.”

“Just throw some packets in the bag,” I got out as I managed to avoid laughing into the microphone. “We can sort it out in the car. That’ll be all.”

I pulled the vehicle around to the first window, paid for our breakfast, and then drove over to pick up our food.

“Watch this, bro,” Todd snickered.

A second employee was stationed at the pick-up window, and his eyes grew wide, and his jaw fell open when we pulled up.

“You’re-- Is that Ozzy?” he asked in disbelief.

“Wha--” I asked as I turned back to Todd and then had to stifle a laugh.

There, in my passenger seat, was the Prince of Darkness himself.

“Hey there, mate,” Todd mumbled incoherently. “Out here for a little drive here in the nation’s capital. I’ve got the mad munchies if ya get mah drift.”

The man was grinning ear-to-ear as he passed our coffees through the window. “I’m a huge Sabbath fan, you know,” he said giddily.

“Always ah pleasure to meet a fan,” “Ozzy” mumbled happily and then made devil horns with his hands. “Hail Satan!”

“Hail Satan!” the guy reiterated and passed our two boxes of donuts through the window. “I slipped a few extra ones in there for you, Wizard of Ozz.”

“Thankya, mate.” I could tell that Todd was trying his hardest not to break. “You have a cursed day.”

“You too, Mr. Osborne!” The man sounded like he was still in shock as we pulled away.

The second we were out of sight, Todd returned to his impish form and began pounding the seat as he laughed hysterically.

“Like I said, bro,” he cackled, “the possibilities are endless!”

“That was kinda cruel,” I pointed out with a grin. “That guy really thinks he just met his favorite artist.”

“I don’t see the problem,” the imp said as he hopped to his feet and whipped around to address the succubi. “Did you, girls?”

I looked in the rearview mirror and saw Liby shrug.

“I don’t see any problems,” the dark-haired woman agreed. “Todd made that man’s day, and he got us some free food out of it, as well.”

Cupi’s slender arm shot over the back of the front seat and snatched an entire box of donuts. “Speaking of which,” the blonde succubus sighed, “I feel like I could eat this entire box, even though I don’t know what a ‘donut’ is.”

“Have we seriously not had donuts in the entire time we’ve been together?” I asked as I honestly couldn’t remember.

“No, Jacob.” Liby giggled. “We’ve had lots of pancakes and waffles and sausages and eggs, but never any donuts.”

“You spoil ‘em too much, Jakey,” Todd observed as he pulled out a chocolate donut from the box. “Donuts are cheap, unhealthy circles of fried dough. Just the way the Toddster likes ‘em. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to indulge myself. You might wanna look away. This is about to get freaky.”

Todd stuffed the entire chocolate donut into his mouth and then gripped the seat tightly. His eyes rolled back in his head, and he made an over-the-top groaning sound as he chewed and then swallowed the donut.

“I think I just had a fucking orgasm, bro,” he joked. “You gotta try one of these before I devour them all.”

We were now out on the open highway, so I didn’t have to worry about keeping my attention on the road. I reached down and grabbed one of the chocolate morsels, and a few pieces of the glaze crumbled off at my touch.

“See?” Todd giggled. “Creamier than an albino vampire.”

I raised the pastry up to my mouth and took a bite. The second it hit my taste buds, I could see what Todd was talking about. The donut must have been fresh out of the fryer because it was warm and greasy. That, mixed with the sweet combination of chocolate and the sugary glaze, made it taste like Heaven on Earth.

“Holy fuck, that’s delicious,” I exclaimed through a mouthful of crumbs.

“No mouth orgasm, though?” The imp beside me chuckled.

“No, Todd.” I laughed. “I’m not that into food.”

From behind us, I heard Sia let out a sound of pleasure. I looked up into the mirror and saw that the redhead now had a mouthful of a Bavarian. She made a face of satisfaction as some of the creamy white filling dribbled down her chin.

“Let me get that for you,” Liby cooed.

The curvy succubus leaned over to Sia and sensually licked the cream off her face. She moved back into her seat, swallowed, and then moved her body back and forth happily.

“Looks like the girls know what I’m talking about, eh?” Todd gave me a wink and a nudge. “Takes the term ‘food porn’ to a whole new level.”

“This one is huge,” Libidine exclaimed.

Again, I looked up in the mirror to see what was going on in the back.

Libidine was holding a massive long john donut in her hands, and my heart began to skip a beat as she raised it to her mouth.

“Oh please,” Cupi joked. “That thing isn’t even close to the size of Jacob.”

“Just because it’s smaller than Jacob’s dick doesn’t mean it still isn’t big,” Liby shot back.

“I don’t think you’ll find many things in this world that can match that length and girth,” Sia cooed. “Jacob’s is abnormally large.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Todd had frozen in place. I looked over at the little imp, who slowly turned his head over to meet my gaze. His eyes were wide with disgust, and pieces of chocolate donut were tumbling out of his mouth. The imp looked down at the donut, then back at Sia, and then at me.

“I’m never eating a fucking long john again.” He shook his head as he spat a little bit of donut out onto a napkin and placed it back in the box. “In fact, I think I’m gonna leave the rest of this for you.”

I heard Libidine make a gagging sound, and I slyly let my eyes slide back up to the mirror to watch.

The succubus had the long john halfway down her throat, and she was slowly trying to get the rest of it to fit while her two sisters were cheering her on gleefully. Finally, Liby relaxed her jaw and slid the rest of the donut into her mouth with a singular gulp.

“You know, not chewing their food has to be really hard on their stomach,” Todd mused as he opened the lid of his coffee.

The imp fumbled around in the brown sack from the donut shop and produced a handful of sugars. One by one, he opened the little white packets and dumped them into his drink.

“Uh, Todd?” I chuckled. “How many sugars are you gonna put in that?”

“As many as it takes to turn this bitter beverage into a sweet treat,” he retorted and poured another packet. “Everybody knows that’s the only way to drink coffee.”

“I honestly prefer it black.” I shrugged. “It gives it a lot more power, and it makes it less of a bitch on your intestines later.”

“Nah,” Todd scoffed. “Like everything in life, you have to overpower it with sugar, and you’re all good.”

“What is this concoction?” Sia asked, and I looked back to see her staring in awe at a jelly donut.

The pasty itself was a deep golden-brown, and it was coated in what looked like layer upon layer of granulated sugar. A bit of red jelly was oozing out of the opening in the back, and the redhead lapped it up with her tongue.

“Strawberry,” she noted with a nod. “How fitting.”

The madame placed her lips on the opening of the donut and inhaled deeply. There was a wet slurping sound as the jelly was sucked into her mouth, and her cheeks filled up like a chipmunk’s. Sia attempted a few swallows but seemed to back out at the last minute. Finally, she took a big gulp and then stuck out her tongue to show everyone that it was gone.

“Oops.” She giggled and then bit into the remainder of the donut. “Force of habit.”

“Hey, uh, Jakey?” Todd tapped at my shoulder. “I know the succubi are getting you all hot and bothered, but do you think you could maybe focus on the road? You’ve been driving on the wrong side for like, five minutes.”

I forced my eyes back to the road and realized that he was right. I panicked as I swerved back onto the correct side, but thankfully there hadn’t been anyone else in sight.

After all, what kind of a fool would be driving on the interstate at three in the morning?

I took a swig of my coffee to try to calm myself. The liquid was bitter against my lips, but the jolt from the caffeine was just what I needed to get my focus back on the task at hand.

We continued driving down the dark highway for about an hour until finally, I saw the light of the GPS indicate we were close to our destination. I turned Shadow off the highway and onto the backroads of rural Virginia. We continued through the winding roads of the countryside and soon found ourselves out in the boonies. There was even a time or two where our top-of-the-line GPS lost its signal, and I contemplated trying to wing it with an old-school map.

I guess if you were trying to hide the Gateway to Hell, you’d want it as far away from civilization as humanly possible.

Finally, Shadow’s GPS announced that we had reached our destination. The only thing marking the driveway was a small, black metal mailbox, and I nearly passed it in my exhausted, caffeine-riddled state. The gravel pathway appeared to snake back into the forest, toward the location of the Porta ad Inferos. I turned our black Jeep Wrangler onto the foreboding pathway, and we began the final leg of our journey.

At this point, we had lost all signal to our radio, and the only noise that filled the vehicle’s cabinet was the muffled sounds of Shadow’s tires as they moved over the gravel.

That, and Todd’s loud snoring.

We traveled through the dense, foggy forest for a few minutes until we came upon a farmhouse that nestled at the foot of a large hill.

The house was fairly large with two stories and a wide base. Of course, its size was counteracted by the fact that it was old as hell. Pieces of the red vinyl siding were falling off in clumps, and the duct tape that reflected off our headlights told the story of many home window repairs. The roof of the structure appeared to be sagging in the center, and even the beamed porch at the front of the house looked like it was going to fall over if you even breathed on it wrong. There was a light visible through one of the second-floor windows, but I couldn’t see any signs of people stirring inside.

It was now four-thirty in the morning, so I imagined that it was simply a light that somebody forgot to turn off last night.

I killed the lights and the engine of our vehicle, nudged Todd awake, and then the five of us tried to sneak out of the car as stealthily as we could.

“Where do we even start?” Liby whispered. “There’s nothing but forest and farmland as far as I can see.”

“I think you mean ‘as far as the eye can see,’” Todd corrected.

“No, I mean as far as I can see,” Liby giggled, “but I appreciate your concern for my grammar.”

The imp shrugged. “Just trying to make you sound smarter,” he explained. “Now, where the fuck is the Portillo ad Inferno?”

I didn’t have the heart to correct the little guy.

“It might be tricky,” I said as I pulled out my cell phone and began to search through the pictures, “but we still have the photos from earlier at the party. That’ll at least give us a starting point.”

“Oh, great.” The imp chuckled. “So we simply need to figure out which of the hundreds of open clearings in this forest is the right one, based off a grainy satellite picture. That’ll totally be easy.”

“Todd, Todd, Todd.” I clicked my tongue and tapped my temple. “You’re not using your noodle.”

“What’s my dick got to do with this, bro?” the imp asked curiously. “It’s not a Hell-portal finder, as magical as it may be.”

“Your head, Todd.” I rolled my eyes.

“Right, but what, you think my head is gonna point the way?” He motioned to his crotch. “It only does that when--”

“No!” I cut him off with a laugh. “It means you’re not using your brain to think.”

“Oh,” Todd muttered. “Why didn’t you just say so?”

“I-- Nevermind.” I sighed and then pointed to Cupi and Liby. “We have two satellites of our own right here. They can fly up, do some recon of the area, and see if they find anything that matches the picture.”

“What about us three?” Sia asked. “Are we going to wait here while the other girls go scouting?”

I nodded to the redhead. “We need to stay with the vehicle and make sure the owners don’t get suspicious,” I explained. “Or, more importantly, we need to make sure they don’t spot the two demons that are swooping around their property on magic wings.”

“Ah, that’d be easy to explain.” Todd giggled. “Just tell ‘em they’re a rare species of birds or some shit.”

“A rare species of birds that looks exactly like a human woman and wears clothes?” I raised my eyebrow at the imp.

“Stranger shit exists in this world, bro,” Todd said as he scratched his chin with tiny claws. “I still don’t think the platypus is a real animal.”

“Yet you believe in Bigfoot.” I rolled my eyes and then turned to the succubi. “You guys ready?”

Liby and Cupi nodded before they summoned their wings with a quick flash of purple fire.

“You take the left sector, and I’ll take the right, Liby.” Cupi nodded to her sister as her black angel wings raised into the air.

Libidine wrapped her bat-like wings around her body, and then crouched down to prepare for takeoff.

“Godspeed, brave souls!” Todd saluted the succubi.

Libidine propelled herself off the ground like a bullet, and seconds later she was out of sight.

Cupi’s wings pushed downward and drove her up into the sky. She fluttered above us for a moment, suspended by her jet-black feathery appendages.

“Showoff,” Cupi grumbled and then shot off into the morning air.

“Not to bring up a sore subject,” Todd mused as he watched the blonde fly away, “but where are your wings, Strawberry Shortcake? Did somebody forget to ring a bell for you?”

“That’s angels, Todd,” I corrected.

Sia shook her head sadly and sighed. “Unfortunately, I’ve never had that ability. I can produce wings, but they are tiny and useless, like that of a Cherub.”

“Don’t be sad,” I comforted the woman with an arm around her shoulder. “I think you’d look cute with Cupid wings.”

“Please don’t compare me to the angel of love.” Sia shuddered. “He is… deeply troubled. Have you ever seen a grown man wear a diaper before?”

“Nope,” I laughed, “and I never intend to.”

“Well, if we ever-- Someone’s coming!” Sia hissed.

“Who’s out there?” I heard an old man’s voice call out from the doorway of the house. “I’ve got a shotgun, and I’m not afraid to use it!”

“Don’t shoot!” I implored as I held up my hands. “We’re surveyors from the Bureau of Land Management.”

“You’re supposed to give me a reason not to shoot you,” the old man growled. “What are you doing out here this early?”

“We just wanted to get started before anybody woke up, bro,” Todd added.

I turned my head and saw that the Toddster was now in his human form.

Thank God. I was afraid I was gonna have to try and bullshit a reason for why we had a little devil with us.

The man must have been tickled by Todd’s comments, and he began to laugh hysterically. He stepped out to where we could see him and lowered the shotgun he had cocked in his arms.

“We’re farmers, son.” He chuckled. “You should know our day starts at four a.m. sharp.”

I lowered my hands, walked up to the old man, and extended my arm.

“Jacob,” I said as I shook his hand. “Jacob Ralston.”

I probably should have used an alias, but this guy seemed genuine. Besides, we were trespassing on his land in the wee hours of the morning. The least we could do was be transparent.

“You look like an honest man, Jacob,” the old man in blue flannel observed. “But you’re late. Come on in, Betty made more breakfast for all ya. We can discuss all this government nonsense over a plate of bacon and eggs.”

“I’m not gonna say no to that, broski.” Todd giggled and then headed toward the door of the house.

Sia looked over at me, shrugged, and then followed Todd through the threshold.

“Late for what, if I may ask?” I questioned, but the man didn’t seem to hear my words.

“Come on, son.” The man turned around and motioned for me to follow. “Food’s getting cold, and your friend is already here.”

“Friend?” My heart sank into my stomach.

I began to walk toward the door as my mind raced with what he could possibly be talking about. I stopped for a moment and then looked back at the forest. I really hoped that we were buying Cupi and Liby enough time to find the Porta ad Inferos, and I really hoped that our ‘friend’ wasn’t who I thought it was.

“Yeah?” The old man sounded confused. “You’re part of our meeting right? She was saying that the rest of you wouldn’t be here until much later.”

I nodded and followed. We had to play along for now, after all. As I walked through the door, I nearly froze in my tracks.

Todd and Sia were already anxiously taking a seat at the table, next to an old woman I assumed was Betty. To their left sat two familiar faces, a short-haired woman with black hair and a small, nearly tow-headed toddler.

It was Sister Ira and her “son.”

Chapter 17

For a moment, I thought that this whole setup had been some elaborate scheme by Ira to taunt us. The look on the succubus’ face when we walked in, however, told a different tale. For the first time, Ira looked surprised.

“Your friends are here, Miss Franklin,” the old man exclaimed as I made my way to the tiny circular dining table.

“Oh, these aren’t the people I was expecting,” the succubus said as her eyes narrowed. “We were waiting for my husband and his secretary.”

I slid down directly across from Ira and locked eyes with the demon.

“Your husband and his secretary aren’t coming,” I hinted not-so-subtly. “They’re a little tied up at the moment.”

“Is that so?” Ira hissed.

“Yeah, so he sent us instead,” I continued the lie. “Of course, being the peons we are, he didn’t really fill us in on the nitty-gritty details before we left.”

“That’s a shame,” Ira grumbled. “This is a fairly sensitive meeting about a very sensitive matter. It’s not like my husband to leave his associates in the dark like this. Perhaps you can come back during our next meeting, once you have a firmer grasp on the issue?”

“We’re not that deep in the dark,” I laughed and gestured to the old couple. “This is a meeting about Proposition Sixty-Six and how it’s going to affect these nice citizens.”

“Shall I call your associates, mother?” the child’s monotone voice interrupted.

“Creepy Omen-looking fucker,” Todd mumbled under his breath, and the “little boy” shot him a death glare.

“Not yet, sweetie,” she said with a frown. “Mommy can handle this on her own.”

“So, what were you folks discussing before my associates and I so rudely interrupted?” I coyly prodded. “We’re simply here to get a firmer grasp on the situation so that we can do our job better later.”

“Who are these people, Elmer?” Betty asked mildly.

I looked over at Todd, who was pursing his lips. I was sure he wanted to make a Looney Tunes joke, but he at least seemed to be trying to hold back.

“Where are my manners?” I slapped my forehead playfully. “I’m Jacob. I’m the project manager of this particular case. That charming young man over there is the head of development, Todd, and this redhead over here is Sia, our logistics manager.”

“Sia?” Betty mused. “That’s such a pretty name.”

“Betty is equally as charming a name,” Sia said with a smile.

“Pleasure to meet you, Sia.” Ira barely held back the growl in her voice, now visibly annoyed. “I really don’t think Marvin would--”

“We’re here on his orders, Ira.” Todd shrugged.

“Excuse me?” Ira growled.

“Er, I mean ‘Megan,’” Todd wrongfully corrected himself.

“Do you even know my name?” Ira’s pupils narrowed. “I would have figured top-level government employees would at least know their client’s names.”

“My apologies, ‘Margaret.’” Todd winked.

Now, he was doing it on purpose, and it was really getting under Ira’s skin.

“Are you sure I should not call, momma?” the boy asked again as he brandished his cell phone.

“Why do you have a cell phone?” Todd laughed. “You’re, like, four.”

“Mom, the smelly man is being mean.” The toddler was also getting annoyed with Todd’s antics.

“Who you callin’ smelly?” Todd snarked back. “At least I’m potty trained.”

“When did that happen, last week?” the demon child shot back.

I needed to turn the conversation back to business before things got too off the rails, so I turned back to Elmer and Betty.

“So, as I was saying, what is the purpose of this meeting?” I asked. “Marvin wants as detailed notes as possible, so spare nothing.”

“Mr. Pearson, I can surely tell my husband what has happened,” Ira chimed in. “I’m still not sure why your services are needed.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were trying to get him to leave.” Elmer chuckled. “I knew government was a cut-throat business, but sheesh.”

Betty picked up a bowl of scrambled eggs and passed it between the succubus and me.

“Here, eat some breakfast,” she smiled. “A little bit of bacon and eggs makes everyone happy.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” I grinned and plopped some eggs onto my plate. “Thank you very much, Mrs…?”

“Edison,” the old woman finished my sentence.

“Thank you, Mrs. Edison!” Sia and Todd both repeated in unison.

Meanwhile, Ira and her “son” looked shell-shocked. There was no way in Hell this was going as they expected.

“So, back to Proposition Sixty-Six…?” I started.

“Ha!” Elmer scoffed. “What a crock of malarkey. No offense.”

“None taken, bro,” Todd said through a mouthful of eggs.

“Proposition Sixty-Six?” The old man shook his head angrily. “More like Proposition Six-Six-Six! It’s just another way the rich, out-of-touch politicians up in Washington are screwing over us common folk.”

“Now, Mr. Edison,” Ira responded, “we are going to compensate you quite generously for your land, at least double the calculated value and then some.”

Elmer took a bite of sausage, sat back in his seat, and crossed his arms.

“Sorry, sweetie, but you couldn’t make me happy about this deal if you offered me ten times the value,” the man grumbled. “These four-hundred acres have been in the Edison family since before Virginia was even Virginia. It ain’t right that you’re taking it for ‘the public good.’ I’m a member of the public, and it ain’t good for me!”

“That’s why I’m here, Mr. Edison.” Ira was trying to keep her cool, but her eyes were growing crazier by the minute. “My husband and I wanted to come here personally and talk to you about all the good your land is going to bring to this great state.”

Elmer let out a scoff. “You’re not even from this state,” he accused the succubus. “You’re from Arizona! Why do you carpetbagging politicians think you can just come in here and tell us what’s best for us?”

“Mr. Edison, my husband and I--” the dark-haired succubus began.

“I don’t see no husband!” Elmer cut her off. “It’s just you and yer cronies. At least they’re all treating us like we’re human beings, and not just another voter to woo.”

The man’s sharp tongue left Ira speechless. Her visible simmering rage told me that she wanted nothing more than to rip this guy limb-from-limb.

But she hadn’t. Ira and her demon friend had been here alone with the couple for who knows how long before we got here. Yet they were both still alive.

I needed to get to the bottom of this.

“I’m having a hard time understanding the purpose of this meeting,” I butted into the conversation. “The proposition has already passed. The Edisons here don’t seem too pleased about that, but there’s nothing they can do. So, I must ask again, Mrs. Franklin, is this meeting something trying to comfort them and smooth things over?”

“It’s above your pay grade,” Ira sneered. “That’s why my husband was supposed to be here, and not low-level employees like you.”

“My goodness!” Betty gasped. “That’s not very kind of you, to speak to this nice young gentleman like that.”

“It’s okay, Betty,” I reassured the old woman. “I work in the government, I’m used to getting talked down to all the time. I hate it, but it’s an honest day’s pay. It really would help my friends and me here if we could know a little bit more about the nature of this meeting.”

“Of course, son.” Elmer nodded. “Mr. and Mrs. Franklin wanted to talk with us about the older features on our land.”

“Like the old barn, grain mill, and wishing well,” Mrs. Edison added.

I looked over at Ira and grinned slyly.

They didn’t know where the Porta ad Inferos was, either.

“We wanted to be sure that these historic sites were preserved as the new project got underway.” Ira huffed. “It was the least we could do to carry on these fine citizens’ legacy.”

“You know, you could have simply let them keep their land,” Todd noted from across the table and then took a bite of bacon. “That’d be a great way for them to keep their legacy.”

“Whose side are you on?” the succubus hissed.

Todd shrugged. “Your husband pulled a huge dick move by forcing that bill through,” he explained. “I may work for the government, but I don’t gotta like it.”

Elmer slapped the table and pointed to Todd. “I’m liking this kid more and more by the minute, Betty!”

“How would you know anything about a ‘huge dick,’ imp?” the Franklin “kid” mumbled under his breath.

“I swear, kid, I’ll drown you in a bathtub,” Todd whispered back.

“I’m particularly interested in the wishing well.” Ira was not putting on a fake “sweet” voice any longer. “I’ve never actually seen one in real life. I’ve seen those ones that are in malls and parks, but never one with such a history. Do you think you could take us there after breakfast?”

“I suppose we don’t really have a choice, do we?” Elmer scoffed. “We either show it to you, or your workers accidentally destroy it to make room for a new highway or power plant or whatever you plan to do with my family’s land.”

“Excellent,” Ira said as she shot me a victorious glare and then turned back to her “child.” “Hurry up, Ralphie. We don’t want to impose on our hosts any more than we have to.”

“I’m finding it hard to eat, momma.” The boy shook his head, plugged his nose, and then pointed to Todd. “This guy smells like a dead skunk.”

“You’re not a basket of roses yerself, kid.” Todd chuckled. “I think somebody may have just shit themselves. Multiple times.”

“Gee, mister, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” the Franklin boy snarked.

“Nope. I use it to kiss yours. She actually gave me a blow ‘n go before I came here. You’d think it’d be hard to do with no teeth...” Todd leaned in close to the boy and whispered. “... but it actually makes it feel a million times more fun. She called me ‘daddy’ a few times if it makes you feel better.”

“Don’t talk about my mom like that, asshole!” the little boy growled.

“Now, Ralphie,” Ira tried to put the lid back on her faux child, “you know he’s only trying to rile you up. He has the mental capacity of a child.”

“I don’t give a shit!” The toddler rolled up his sleeves and jumped on top of the table. “I’m gonna make sure this Shaggy-looking asshole has to eat his next Scooby Snack through a straw.”

“Such a potty mouth!” Betty gasped. “Elmer, where’s my soap?”

“Oh, shut the fuck up, you old broad,” Ralphie snarled.

“This wasn’t the plan, Alban,” Ira implored.

The kid turned around and pointed a finger at the succubus. “We tried it your way, Ira! It ain’t working. Now we do it the fun way, by torturing these old bastards until they tell us the location of the Porta ad Inferos!”

“Hey, Jakey,” Todd warned. “I’m about to do something I’ve always wanted to do, but that society would never allow.”

Alban turned back to Todd summoned a ball of Hellfire into his hand.

“Oh yeah?” he growled. “And what would that be, asshole? You finally gonna ask your first cousin for her hand in marriage?”

“Nope, I’m gonna punch out a toddler!” Todd snickered and crouched down as the boy ran at him. Todd lit up his hand with a red flame, and he threw his body upward just as the boy came with striking distance.

“Shoryuken!” he exclaimed as his blow connected and the demon in disguise was sent flipping back through the air.

The tow-headed “toddler” landed gracefully in the center of the table like a superhero. He stood up, and the old couple let out a shriek of horror.

I could see why.

The innocent face of the Franklin child was now replaced by the dark red complexion of a demon. His entire body began to glow red as he began to morph back into his true form. Two tiny horns sprouted from his head, and cloven hooves ripped out of his dress shoes. The demon stood no more than three foot tall, with two stubby wings and a loincloth tied around his waist.

It turned out “Ralphie” was an imp all along.

“Well, this whole thing just went to shit.” Ira shrugged and summoned her own turquoise Hellfire to her hands.

“Die, bitch!” Alban screamed and sent a blast of Hellfire right into Todd’s chest. At the same time, Ira launched an acidic spray at Sia and me.

I caught the blast with a violet shield, but that was just what the succubus wanted. The next thing I knew, Ira used that distraction as an opening to launch herself across the table. The hard cap of her knee crashed into my stomach and doubled me over in pain, but I was quick to recover.

As I stood back up, the crazed succubus tried to feed me a face full of acid, but I threw out a green portal mere seconds before Ira’s acidic spell turned my face into mush.

The sickly turquoise blob reappeared directly above my target and crashed into the ceiling. Chunks of plaster rained down on Ira, who let out a grunt as the non-lethal debris smacked her in the head. The attack was intentionally non-lethal, but it had disoriented the succubus and left her open for a blast of Sia’s red Hellfire from my left which sent Ira flying through the wall of the farmhouse.

“Nice shot,” I called to the redhead.

“Thank you! You have no idea how long I’ve waited to do that.” Sia grinned.

“Okay, so that’s how you want to play?” Todd yelled from across the room as he pulled himself to his feet. “Imp fight, motherfucker!”

The stoner’s human features began to contort as his body shrunk back to his normal size. Then Todd summoned red Hellfire into his hands as he returned fully to his imp form.

“Who’s ready for some hot imp on imp action?” he cackled as he charged at his doppelganger.

“Somebody help!” I heard Betty scream in the chaos.

Sia and I turned to see the old woman kneeling on the ground, holding her husband in her arms. Elmer was clutching his chest and looked like he was struggling to breathe. His belt and the top buttons of his shirt had been undone, and his skin looked flushed.

He was having a heart attack.

“Sia, you know what to do.” I nodded to the redhead.

The succubus madame nodded and then ran over to try to heal the old man.

I turned and made my way toward the hole in the wall where Ira had fallen. Small blasts of red Hellfire were ricocheting across the room as the two imps tried to burn each other to a crisp, and I had to toss up the occasional purple shield as I walked to guard myself from their brawl. I slipped through the hole in the wall, but Ira was nowhere to be seen.

The room on the other side of the wall was filled with furniture that looked like it was thirty years out of date and a TV that was still an old tube model. The lime green wallpaper was peeling all over the place in dirty ribbons, and even the carpet looked like it could blend in with the dirt of the ground.

“Yoohooo,” a voice called out from the adjoining room. “Mr. Hammer-for-a-dick! I’m in here.”

I called forth red Hellfire into my hands and dug deep down into my emotional core. In the mirror on the wall, I could see two bright blue horns sprout from my head, but something else caught my attention. The irises of my eyes were now violet like the succubi’s.

Maybe I really was becoming a demon lord.

I carefully rounded the corner of the threshold with my magic at the ready.

Sister Ira was sitting on the bed in nothing but tight leather lingerie. Her busty chest was just barely covered by the straps of her garment, which came up around her neck and were fastened to a collar. She was on her hands and knees with her tongue hanging out of her mouth.

“It’s time to puuuunnisshhh me!” she said with glee when she saw my Hellfire. “Do your fucking worst. Please.”

“Gladly,” I growled and unleashed a blast of fire at the succubus.

Ira didn’t even try to dodge the attack. Instead, she stood up and thrust out her chest to absorb the full impact. She stood her ground as the fire engulfed her, and she made orgasmic sounds through the crackle of the flames. When the attack finally subsided, her body was burnt and bruised, but she was panting excitedly.

“Is that your worst?” she begged. “Please do more! Don’t you have a dagger you can hold against my throat or some sort of chain you can put me in?”

“Okay, this is starting to get weird--” I began, but then was cut off by a noise from behind. I instinctively rolled out of the way as another spray of turquoise Hellfire flew past where my skull would have been.

Ira’s eyes widened as the attack struck her just on the edge of the shoulder, and she screamed in pain as it sizzled on her flesh. The scream only lasted for a second before it turned into a groan of pleasure.

“Somebody’s been naughty, Jacob,” Ira’s voice cooed from behind me.

I turned around and saw the dom half of the succubus.

She was wearing a leather corset around her torso and massive spiked heels on her feet. The dom had a belt full of BDSM goodies such as ball gags, a whip, a chain, and a few gadgets that I couldn’t identify. In her hand, the succubus held a large morning star that was aglow with her acidic turquoise flames.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me.” I rolled my eyes and summoned green fire into my hands. I picked up the entire bed, with the Sub still on it, and then flung it at the Dom.

Ira’s dominant half laughed happily as she readied her morning star. Once the bed was within striking distance, she used her enchanted weapon to skewer it and toss it off to the side. The Sub backflipped into the air and landed beside her other half.

“You missed me.” She pouted. “I wanted to get a taste of your hammer.”

“Don’t worry,” the Dom rubbed the Sub’s hair lovingly, “I’ll let you have a taste of Jacob’s hammer before we kill him.”

“That would be delicious,” the Sub licked her lips and then extended her left arm, “but we need to get him in our grasp first.”

A sharpened bone slipped out of the Sub’s right arm, and she grasped its base firmly in her hand. Then the succubus then ran a glowing red hand over the weapon, and the glowing red tail of a whip appeared.

“Not this shit again,” I groaned and took a fighting stance. “You claim to like pain, right? I’m gonna test out how much you can take.”

“Please do!” the Sub moaned, and then the two halves of Ira charged.

The Dom was the first up as she went for a home run swing with her morning star.

I blocked it with a quick shield of purple and then blasted her in the side with a small ball of red Hellfire. The Dom rolled away in pain, but I didn’t even have a second to breathe before the Sub’s whip was headed toward my neck. I threw up my arm defensively, and the enchanted whip wrapped around it instead of my throat.

I let out a scream of agony as the white-hot tail seared its pattern into my skin. Without even thinking, I grabbed the lower part of the tail with my hand and tugged it forward.

The Sub’s eyes widened as I jerked her body forward, off-balance. As she stumbled forward, I unleashed another blast of red Hellfire into her stomach at point-blank range.

There were no sadistic moans of pleasure this time as the Sub’s body blasted up through the ceiling of the living room and her whip fell to the ground.

I didn’t have time to survey the damage to my arm, because Dom Ira was back in action and another blast of acid was headed my way. I threw up a green portal and sent the attack down at the charging Dom’s feet. The floor melted in front of the succubus, and she let out a wail as she tripped, fell, and rolled over to where I was standing.

“Spiky heels weren’t exactly the greatest fashion choice, now were they?” I remarked sarcastically.

“You tell me!” the Dom yelled as she lashed out with the point of her shoe.

I hopped up into the air and summoned a violet platform under my feet. As I landed safely on the barrier, Ira’s lethal heels passed harmlessly underneath. Without missing a beat, I summoned red Hellfire into my right hand and blasted it at my opponent.

“Ready to be punished?” the Dom purred as her body was encased in a pink flame the moment before my blast struck home.

As my flames engulfed her, the entire front of my body felt like it was being seared by a red-hot poker, and then I was blown off my feet. I tumbled through the living room helplessly until my momentum was finally halted by a wall. My entire body felt like it had just been hit by a freight train as I pulled myself up off the ground. My head was spinning, and there was still a burning sensation in my chest. I looked down to assess the damage but saw little more than a burnt shirt.

Fucking mirror spell.

I removed the rest of my shirt and charged back at the Dom.

“Oooohhhh!” she cooed and readied her morning star. “I’ve got you halfway undressed! Now I need to show you what a naughty little boy you’ve been.”

I closed the gap on the evil succubus in seconds and then slid down on my back as she swung her weapon like a baseball bat. As I passed by her legs, I stuck out my hand and knocked Ira’s feet out from under her.

The succubus let out a squeal of surprise as she collapsed to the ground.

Before she had a chance to conjure up another mirror spell, I used my emerald fire to pick up the tube TV and launch it at the dark-haired woman. The massive projectile struck the Dom in the back as she tried to stand up. Pieces of the screen shattered and flew across the floor, and her body fell to the ground once more.

But the fight wasn’t over. From above, down through the hole she had made in the ceiling, the Sub swung down and struck me in the chest feet first.

My entire torso screamed with pain as I slammed onto the grimy carpet. The wind was knocked out of my lungs, and I struggled to catch my breath as I writhed on the ground in agony. As I laid there, I suddenly felt a light tug on my pants.

“Oh my god,” Ira’s Sub half gasped. “It’s even bigger than I remember! I hope it tastes as yummy as it looks.”

“Oh, it does,” Sia’s voice echoed from the left. Then I heard the sound of crackling fire as there was a flash of red light, and then the Sub’s body flying over my head. Sia appeared over me and extended a helping hand. I grabbed the succubus’ petite hand, and she pulled me to my feet.

The two halves of Ira appeared to be down, at least for the moment. Now was the perfect chance to reorient myself after the chaos of the evil succubus’ onslaught.

“Thanks for the assist,” I said with a smile as I tugged up my pants. “What is it with these two and my penis?”

“It’s quite impressive.” The redhead winked. “It was enough to convince Jane to join us, remember?” She gave me a quick once over. “Are you hurt?”

“It’s just a scratch,” I lied. “Just a little whip burn, that’s all. If you don’t mind...”

Sia summoned golden Hellfire into her hands, rubbed them together, and then placed them tenderly on my wound.

My entire upper body lit up with the fire, and it felt like a million tiny ants were crawling around on my forearm. A warm, calming sensation spread through my body, and the burn marks slowly began to heal. The entire process only took a few seconds, and then I was as good as new.

“Thanks, Sia,” I said as I made a fist a couple times. “How are things out there?”

The redhead shrugged. “Todd and Alban’s ‘imp fight’ is about as epic as you’d imagine, which is to say, not at all. They’re just insulting each other as they throw balls of fire that are missing their mark by a yard.”

“What about Elmer and Betty?” I asked.

“I took care of Elmer,” Sia explained. “He’s good as new, and I sent them out of the house to safety.”

“Do you think they’re going to call the police?” I questioned. “They’ve just seen a bunch of crazy-ass shit.”

“I asked them to wait for us,” Sia answered with a shake of her head. “I told them that the fate of our entire universe may depend on them.”

“No pressure though, right?” I chuckled.

“You-- You need to hit me harder,” the Sub said weakly from across the room as she pulled herself to her feet. “Hellfire is child’s play. Give me some real sadistic shit.”

“You asked for it,” I shot back and then turned my attention to the Dom.

She was starting to stir, but she still wasn’t in any condition to fight. Using my telekinetic fire, I pulled the chain loose from her belt, raised it into the air, and then flung it at the Sub. It wrapped around her neck with a metallic clank and gently lifted her into the air.

“Oh-- Oh my God!” she choked out. “I want more!”

“Son of a bitch.” I shook my head. “This is supposed to be torture, not fun and games!”

“Come on!” The Sub giggled between gasps. “This isn’t even going to leave a mark. Go harder!”

“Fuck that,” I said as I released Ira from my grip.

As she fell to the ground, I used the emerald flame to tie up her arms and legs behind her back.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about,” she cackled. “Grab me one of those ball gags over there.”

“I see Ira beat us here,” I heard Cupi’s voice sigh.

Sia and I turned around and saw the blonde succubus and Libidine standing in the doorway.

“We heard the commotion and returned as quickly as we could,” Liby explained. “Even though it looks like you guys have things all tied up in here.”

“Well, other than Alban,” I admitted, “but I figured that was Todd’s fight.”

“Yeah,” Cupi chuckled, “I’m not too worried about him. Now this girl, on the other hand--”

“Please hit me with one of your freezing spells,” the Sub begged. “I love the tingly sensation. It makes my nipples hard, and that makes it so much easier to put the clamps on.”

“That’s gonna be a hard pass,” the blond succubus sighed.

“So what do we do with them?” I pointed to the two halves of Ira on the ground. “We can’t kill them, and if we just leave, they’ll find a way to break out again.”

“We could deliver them to Azazel,” Liby suggested. “Signed, sealed, and delivered.”

It took me a second to understand what the curvy woman meant, but when I did, a wide smile rose up on my face.

“Does that mean--” I started.

“Yes.” Liby grinned. “Saw it myself, just up to the northwest of the property.”

“And you think you could get us there again?” I asked eagerly.

“My navigational skills aren’t the greatest,” the curvy succubus explained, “but it’s a pretty straight-shot. There was a charming little path that looked like it takes you most of the way there.”

“Then let’s go fuck up Alban, and then we can send Ira and her other minions back down to Hell where they belong.” I grinned. “I can’t wait to fuck over Azazel again.”

The four of us dashed back into the dining area, where Todd and Alban were now tumbling across the floor swinging at each other pathetically.

“Get your hands off me, you grubby little midget!” Alban growled.

“Who are you calling a midget, you nasty-ass gnome!” Todd shot back.

“Alright, that’s enough,” I demanded and shot out a blast of green fire.

The fire surrounded the evil imp, and I lifted him into the air. He flailed his arms and legs as he tried to fight the spell, but it was no use.

This little fucker was gonna be the first one we sent back to Hell.

Without missing a beat, I encased Alban in violet fire. Then I closed my fist, and the barriers closed in on each other.

The evil imp’s eyes bulged as his entire body was smashed under the weight of my spell. There was a wet crunch as Alban’s bones shot out of his skin, and then his eyes rolled back in his head, and his tongue flopped out of his mouth.

I released his body, and the bloody heap fell to the ground.

“Uh, I weakened him for you,” Todd said with an extended finger.

“Oh, of course,” I lied to the imp. “You did a great job, Todd.”

Todd jumped up in the air and pumped his fist. “Fuck yeah, the Toddster gets a gold star!” he shouted and then began to rush around the room doing cartwheels like a happy toddler.

“Alright,” I laughed, “you just beat up a toddler imp. Don’t get too carried away, bro. We still need to--”

“Incoming!” Cupi screamed as she tackled me to the ground.

I heard the sizzle of acid from above as a flash of turquoise shot past and melted the wall of the farmhouse.

“Thank you, sisters,” Ira’s voice called out before falling into a twisted giggle. “You did my work for me.”

I turned to see Ira knocking away a barrage of blasts from Todd, Liby, and Sia with her morning star as she sauntered toward us. The succubus was still in her Dom’s leather corset, but the way she carried herself made me think she was back to her combined form. Her entire figure was glowing with the healing touch of golden Hellfire as she strutted.

I tossed up a barrier of purple fire to block another spray of acidic flame, but before I could launch a counter-attack, Ira was already making her escape. The leather-clad succubus made a running jump, sprouted two massive, bat-like wings out of her back, and then smashed through the doorway and out into the morning sky.

Sia and Cupi both ran toward the new hole in the door, but the evil succubus was already far out of sight.

“I thought she was down and out?” Cupi sighed and turned around.

“She was radiant with the same magic I use to heal our allies,” Sia pondered. “I wasn’t aware Ira had those powers.”

“It makes sense.” Todd shrugged. “If you’re gonna ask people to set you on fire and cut you with a knife and choke you, you’d better have a way to heal yourself. Accidents happen all the time with that kinda shit, and nobody wants ‘Died by Erotic Asphyxiation’ on their tombstone.”

“She must have been playing possum,” Cupiditas growled. “That’s just like Ira.”

“Although, you could get around the embarrassment by writing ‘he died doing what he loved,’” Todd continued as if no one else was talking.

“How could I have been so stupid?” Liby said sadly. “I just wanted to make you proud, Jacob.”

I walked over to the raven-haired succubus and placed a hand delicately on her cheek.

“It’s not your fault, Liby,” I explained as I stared intensely into her violet eyes. “Ira fooled us all. Nobody could have known she was going to have those sort of powers. Even Sia didn’t know, and she knows everything.”

“That’s very true,” Cupi pointed out.

“You know where the Porta ad Inferos is, but Elmer and Betty can give us more detailed directions,” I continued. “If we play this right, we can still get there before Ira and her goons have a chance to do any damage.”

“I hope you’re right,” Liby pulled away and sighed. “I really don’t want the end of creation to be my fault.”

“It won’t be,” I reassured as I stepped through the shattered door of the house. “Let’s go find the Edisons.”

The five of us went outside and walked to where Sia claimed the Edisons were hiding. We found the elderly couple out in the old barn behind their property, huddled together in fear.

“Is-- Is our house gone?” Betty sobbed.

“Maybe,” I confirmed. “We might be able to fix it, but we’re all going to be in deep trouble if you don’t help us.”

“Why should we help you?” Elmer demanded and clutched his shotgun. “We invited you into our home, and you nearly killed my wife and me!”

“Sia saved you, remember?” I pointed to the redhead.

“We’re the good guys, bro,” Todd added.

“My imp friend is right,” I nodded. “That woman pretending to be Mrs. Franklin is working for some really bad men, and if we don’t stop them, the entire universe will be in danger.”

“What can we possibly do to help?” Elmer rubbed his head nervously. “We’re only a couple of old geezers who have no idea what the hell is going on.”

“You can start by telling us where the old wishing well is located,” I explained. “That’s what she was here for, and now she’s found it.”

“The wishing well?” the man in plaid was now confused beyond belief. “What could anybody possibly want with that?”

“There’s a lot more significance to that thing than ‘historical landmark,’” I told him cryptically. “Let’s just leave it at that.”

“It’s-- It’s out to the northwest of our property,” Elmer confessed. “If you head about two or three miles in that direction, you’ll eventually come across it. It’s in this beautiful little clearing where we used to have picnics all the time. Perfect view of the hills. But I guess that’s over now.”

“Not if we can help it,” I said and extended my hand. “Thank you, Elmer. For everything. We’re going to make this right.”

Elmer hesitated for a second and then reached out and shook my hand.

The succubi, Todd, and I exited the barn and tried to formulate a plan. I called up Raphael, Jane, and Oliver to tell them about what had happened and to give them the location of the Porta ad Inferos. Each of them agreed to meet us there with reinforcements as soon as they possibly could, but they also feared it might take a while. Once our allies had been informed, the four of us headed off northwest, toward the Gate.

The off-road drive through the woods was completely silent. We were all pissed, anxious, exhausted, and wanted this to be over. Even the normally foul-mouthed and snarky Todd uttered not a single word. More concerning, he didn’t smoke a single joint the entire five-minute trip.

“This is as far as I think she can go, guys,” I nodded to the forest ahead as I put our Jeep in park. “There’s not enough room for Shadow to maneuver through that brush. From here, we go on foot.”

The four of us got out of the vehicle and continued through the Virginia forest. The night air was eerily silent around us. No crickets, no frogs, not even any mosquitoes. There was definitely a magical quality to this place.

We must be getting close.

Finally, up through the brambles of the trees, I saw it. Upon first glance, there was nothing elegant or special about the Porta ad Inferos, it was merely an old cobblestone well out in the middle of the forest. Just beyond the moss-covered, gray well stood Sister Ira.

“Last chance, Ira,” I growled as we approached the succubus. “Give up now, and we might just let you out alive.”

“There are only two ways this can go, Ira,” Cupi warned. “You either denounce Azazel, or we will have to kill you. I know which one I prefer.”

“Is it sad that I don’t know which one you’re talking about?” Ira purred. “Either way, I prefer option number three.”

“What’s option number three?” Todd asked. “Is it like Plan D? That D fucked Marvin Franklin real good.”

“I’m glad you asked, imp,” Ira mused and then snapped her fingers.

Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of rustling leaves and tree branches. Then, the darkness lit up like a rock concert with the familiar embers of red Hellfire. Out of the forest behind Ira stepped hundreds of hissing demons, prepared to attack.

“Meet the Seventy-Two Servants and their followers,” Ira giggled. “Or as I like to call them, option three.”

Chapter 18

“Ha!” Todd scoffed at the demons that were emerging from the woods. “Seventy-Two Servants? We’ve killed, like, twenty of you already. Shouldn’t you take on a new name, like the ‘Fifty-Two Fuckwits?’”

“Uh, Todd?” I asked as I prepared my red Hellfire for an attack. “I’m counting way more than fifty-two.”

“Hundreds, actually,” Sia gasped.

“Did you really forget about all the Servants’ minions?” Sister Ira cackled and then shot a playful look at Todd. “You know, Todd, you’re much more fun than Alban ever was. He was simply grumpy all the time. Perhaps when I kill Jacob and my former sisters, I’ll take you in as a pet.”

“Normally I’d jump at the chance to be a woman’s ‘pet,’” Todd hissed and summoned Hellfire into his hands. “But I get the feeling it’d be more of a ‘fido’ situation and less of a ‘daddy’ one. Plus, I’m just not into demon chicks. Sorry.”

“Too bad.” Ira clicked her tongue. “Maybe I’ll have to settle for making Jacob my plaything before Azazel kills him.”

“When will you assholes ever learn?” I growled at the succubus at the front of the still and silent army. “Azazel is never getting resurrected. Not on my watch.”

“In fact, we actually have to thank you, sister,” Cupi said with a grin as her hands lit up with blue and red flames. “You’ve brought all the remaining Seventy-Two Servants to one place and spared us the inconvenience of hunting them all down on our own.”

“It’s actually quite a shame,” Sia added. “I was looking forward to killing off the rest of them one-by-one.”

Sister Ira doubled over in laughter. “You think I’ve done you a favor?” she mused. “I almost wish we weren’t going to tear you limb from limb before you could see our master plan enacted. I’m really proud of it.”

“Enough with the talking!” a grizzled demon yelled and stepped up beside the dark-haired succubus. “We need to rip this mortal to pieces.”

To say this fucker was tall would be an understatement. The bulky demon towered over Ira and the rest of the Seventy-Two Servants like an NBA player over a dwarf. The demon had two large black wings that sprouted from his massive body, and two stubby ebony horns that curved out at a downward angle. His entire lower body was covered with crimson scales like that of a dragon’s, and upon his face sat a bushy white beard.

“Ah fuck,” Cupi groaned. “It’s Furcas.”

“The Furcas?” Todd asked in shock. “Like Furcas, the legendary Knight of Hell?”

“Yep,” the blonde succubus continued, “Azazel’s most trusted general, in the flesh.”

“Patience, my friend,” Ira noted. “We outnumber them nearly three-hundred to four. At least let me play with my prey before I devour them.”

“No,” Furcas hissed. “Every second we waste taunting this mortal is a precious second we could be using to destroy the armies of the Divine. My patience is wearing thin, succubus filth.”

Ira’s eyes narrowed, and her mouth twisted into a scowl at the demon’s words, but he didn’t seem to notice. Or care.

Furcas turned away from the succubus, summoned a flaming pitchfork-like weapon with a flash of red flames, and then pointed it in our direction.

“Kill them for our master!” he bellowed to his followers. “I don’t want to see a single piece of flesh left on their bones!”

The remaining Seventy-Two Servants and their minions howled with glee and then began to charge across the small clearing.

Ira and Furcas were right, we were hopelessly outnumbered. There were at least two or three hundred demons, and only four of us. Raphael and my followers were on their way to the battle, but who knows how far away they still were?

We were probably doomed, but at least we could take some of these demonic assholes out with us.

Seeing the charging demons and realizing that our chances of survival were minimal made it very easy to be in the right emotional state to cast a protective spell. My hands glowed violet as a massive purple wall of fire surrounded us.

Spells of every color bounced off my barrier, including some that I’d never even seen before. Glowing reds, yellows, blues, turquoises, and even some silvers and maroons illuminated the dark morning sky as they tried to break my shield. Only the sheer strength of my emotions kept them at bay for now.

I turned to the three succubi. “We can’t let them surround us,” I ordered. “That means we’re going to have to go on the offensive.”

“Jacob,” Sia gasped, “That’s practically suicide.”

“We don’t have to kill them all,” I explained. “We just have to stay alive until backup arrives. I’m fairly confident we can do that.”

“And if we can’t?” Cupi asked nervously.

I wanted to tell the blonde succubus that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to tell her how we would easily take out this army of demons and save the world on our own.

But I didn’t want to lie.

“If we can’t,” I started with a somber frown, “then at least we lived our last few months on Earth with each other. That’s the most a guy like me could ever ask for.”

“What was Todd’s saying?” Libidine asked. “All for one and one for all?”

“Yup.” Todd snickered. “Totally made that up myself.”

“If we’re going to die, then at least we’ll go down swinging.” Sia nodded. “What is your plan, Jacob?”

“In a few seconds here, I’m going to release my purple Hellfire,” I explained. “I can’t hold this spell forever, but I still have enough power to create multiple smaller, focused shields. I’ll cover the three of us with those while you two lay into these fuckers with everything you’ve got.”

“I-- I love you, Jacob.” Cupi blurted out suddenly. “If we die today, I just want you to know that.”

“I love you, too.” I nodded. “All of you. Now, are we ready?”

Todd and the three succubi readied their attacks and spells, and Hellfire danced around their fingers.

“Three, two, one, now!” I screamed and dismissed my wall.

The instant I did so, Cupi, Liby, and Sia tore into the crowd of demons with blasts of blue, black, and red Hellfire. Meanwhile, Todd cackled as he acrobatically dodged the incoming attacks like a spider monkey.

Several of the demons were sent flying backward, and a few of them were killed on the spot.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t really focus on the women's kill count or their creativity. I was too busy trying to make sure we weren’t incinerated by the hundreds of spells being cast in our direction. I was tossing up so many small circles of violet that it looked like the Virginia landscape had come down with a case of the chicken pox.

It was taking some very intense concentration to block each of the individual spells. Thankfully, most of these demons were little more than grunts, and everybody knows that your average footsoldier can’t shoot for shit. Those guys were doing my job for me.

As a couple more of the demon fuckers erupted into flames, Furcas’ roaring laughter echoed through the clearing. The guttural sound boomed over the screams of agony and the sizzle of fire almost as if it were taunting us.

I took my eyes off our assailants for a fleeting moment and saw Ira and Furcas standing along the tree line with their hands crossed over their chest. The large demon had his head thrown back in glee, and the succubus wore a broad smile on her face.

We really were fucked.

“Jacob!” Sia commanded as she threw a group of demons away with a flick of her black flame. “Cupi, Liby, and I can’t keep at this forever. We need your Divine powers if we want to stand any chance against these hordes!”

I tossed up a small purple barrier just before a yellow spear collided with the redhead’s skull.

“If you haven’t noticed, I’m the only thing keeping you guys from being turned into human pincushions!” I shot back.

“I think he needs a bit of motivation, Sia!” Cupi called out as she rolled out of the way of a blast of red Hellfire. “Let’s get out of harm’s way, shall we?”

The blonde’s back was engulfed with a purple flame as her dark angel wings sprouted. Cupi propelled herself off the ground, and then she swooped over, grabbed Sia, and lifted the two of them into the sky. Libidine was right behind her, on her bat-like demon wings.

As the three succubi ascended, vibrant spells of every color blasted past them. Cupiditas expertly maneuvered through the air, dodging attacks as her sister reigned down blasts of red and black fire onto the crowd while Liby dispelled the attacks by blasting them with her own telekinetic flames.

Although most of our opponents focused on the airborne succubi, they hadn’t forgotten about me. I knocked a few projectiles away with a cast of purple and then began to unload randomly onto the army of demons. Adrenaline pounded through my body as I continued to deflect attacks and blast the flesh off the fuckers with my fireballs. My temples were now throbbing with pain, and it felt like my brain was going to explode out of my skull.

From across the way, Furcas’ face grew sullen.

I wasn’t sure how, but apparently, I was wiping the smile off that smug asshole’s face.

“Bro, you must be a grower, not a shower,” Todd’s voice sprang up beside me as he reappeared. “Those things must be at least two feet long!”

“Huh?” I asked as I crushed another demon with a prison of magical purple flames.

“Your horns, bro,” he explained. “They’re almost as big as my schlong.”

“Somehow, I don’t believe you.” I ducked out of the way of an attack and blasted back at the assailant.

“You wanna bet?” the imp argued. “I could whip it out right here and show you, but that’d nearly double my surface area. Can’t have that in the middle of a fight.”

“Sure, Todd,” I humored the imp.

A couple more demons fell under our combined fire, and I realized that, slowly but surely, the army was thinning out.

The problem? We were nowhere close to victory. At this rate, the four of us were going to die from exhaustion before we could wipe out the rest of their forces.

“Those little bear creatures in Star Wars made it look so easy.” Todd sighed as he tumbled away from another attack. He was still keeping up his cocky front, but I could see the exhaustion in his eyes. “If only we had those giant chicken walker thingies. Then we’d be all pew pew smash smash smash!”

“That’s it!” I exclaimed.

I had an idea, but it was risky. It would require me to split my focus and take up damn near all my power, but it would pay off in spades if it worked. I had to try.

I called forth a purple flame into my left hand and then made it spread across my entire body. The last thing I saw before I closed my eyes was a violet glow as it passed in front of my irises, and then there was darkness.

As I tried to conjure up deep feelings of envy and disgust, a rain of Hellfire impacted against my body. The attacks caused me to stumble and nearly lose my focus, but there was far too much at stake here.

If this didn’t work, I’d be little more than a splatter of blood and guts in the middle of the forest.

I didn’t really give a shit if I died. I’d done more in the last few months than any mortal in the history of the universe. I’d killed dozens of demons, saved the world twice, and had a fucking blast doing it.

But I had to keep going for my friends.

Who would take care of the succubi? Who would keep Todd in check? Most importantly, who would protect them from Azazel’s wrath?

The fucker was already bitter about his defeat at my hands. He’d do terrible things to my friends before helping Lucifer achieve victory over the Divine. He’d enslave the human race, and innocent people like my parents would be tortured by his minions… or worse.

At this point, the spells were pelting me like rubber bullets blasted out of a machine gun. They couldn’t break through my protective barrier, but I could still feel their impact.

They fucking hurt.

But more than that?

They pissed me off.

Why?

Because the idea that I’d go down to something like this when it really mattered, when everyone was truly counting on me was so disgusting, I couldn’t stand it.

My body grew warm and tingly as I held my ground. Suddenly, I felt myself grow weightless, as I had back in the Trinity Library. I wasn’t sure if it was the power of the disgust I felt toward Azazel, Furcas, and Ira, or if I was bleeding internally. Either way, my time to act was now.

I opened my eyes and saw that I was floating a few feet in the air, my body now surrounded by a brilliant color halfway between green and violet. I outstretched my hands toward the line of trees on my left and my right, and the large pines lit up with a jade glow. My whole body trembled as I pulled at their deep roots, but they were refusing to budge. I let out a scream of desperation as attacks continued to blast me from below.

I couldn’t hold both of my spells for much longer.

But I didn’t need to because I had a plan.

As I ripped dozens of the massive pines free from the ground, I couldn’t help but grin with satisfaction when I moved my hands toward each other, and the hundred-foot-tall bludgeoning weapons followed suit.

The massive, glowing logs smashed into the army of demons below, and I saw a few of the fuckers fly up into the sky like foul balls. As the helpless demons flailed in the air, Cupi and Sia made a strafing run and fried them to a crisp.

I slammed my hands downward, and the demon horde scattered under the awe-inspiring might of my tree clubs. A few of the unlucky fuckers couldn’t get out of the way in time, and their bodies exploded like gore-filled balloons under the weight of the trees. I used my telekinesis to turn the logs toward Furcas, but the demon simply scowled and raised his hand.

The demons instantly stopped attacking at their leader’s signal.

“Enough, Ralston!” he hissed and summoned a flaming red bow and arrow into his hand. “I’ve had just about enough of this. Azazel couldn’t kill you, but I sure as fuck can!”

Cupi, Liby, and Sia landed back beside me, and the three succubi took a fighting stance.

Furcas summoned his enchanted red pitchfork into his right hand, flipped it around like a baton, and readied the attack. Then, the massive demon let out an inhuman hiss of pain as his guts splattered onto the ground in front of him.

There was now a massive morning star protruding through the demon’s stomach from behind.

Furcas’ dark blood dripped from the tips of the spikes of the morning star as he gasped for breath and clutched at his intestines. He looked like he was trying to speak, but nothing was coming out.

Sister Ira stepped out from behind the demon and blew on her enchanted weapon like it was a gun.

“You know,” the Succubus of Wrath mused, “I was getting really tired of your shit, too. How’s that for a ‘lowly succubus?’ Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have official business to attend to. Try not to die too messily.”

Ira gave Furcas a playful kiss on the cheek and then pushed him away.

The remaining Seventy-Two Servants and the demon grunts watched in horror as their leader stumbled around like a chicken with his head cut off.

“Now’s your chance, Jacob!” Liby screamed. “Send him back to Hell!”

I nodded, raised two of the massive trees, and then clapped them together right on top of Furcas.

What looked like a geyser of demon blood sprayed into the air, accompanied by a wet crunching sound. The bloodied logs fell to the ground and revealed the mangled remains of Furcas. His lower body was mostly intact, but the demon’s entire torso and head were a mess of gore and protruding bones that spouted blood as they fell over.

“Oof.” Todd chuckled as Liby joined the crew. “I don’t remember this much blood in that space opera movie.”

“Quick, while they’re still distracted!” I commanded and unleashed a slew of Hellfire at the remaining army.

All four of my friends followed my lead and launched an assault onto the shocked crowd. We were able to thin their forces a little bit before they retaliated, but there were still way too many of the fuckers.

I tossed up a massive purple barrier around the group as the demon’s all-out assault resumed. If these assholes weren’t pissed off before, they definitely were now. They charged full-speed at our position and began to fan out. This was an attempted flank if I ever saw one.

“If they surround us, I don’t know how long I can keep this up,” I admitted. “This might be it, guys.”

“Then at least we’ll go down together,” Cupiditas spat.

Directly behind us, the forest began to rustle violently.

“Uh, I think they’re in the trees,” Todd said with horror in his voice. “The Toddster’s had a good run. I just pray for forgiveness for the things in that second bedroom.”

A gust of wind nearly knocked me on my ass as a handful of white streaks flashed over my head.

“Jacob, it’s the angels!” Libidine exclaimed.

Blasts of white light rained down on the army of demons from above, incinerating the fuckers like they were ants under a magnifying glass.

“Don’t forget about us,” Oliver’s voice called out. “We’ve got your back, Master!”

“Don’t call--” I almost corrected but then cut myself off.

Backup had finally arrived and saved our asses. I’d let him call me ‘Master’ this once.

“Where are the generals?” Jane questioned as she and Oliver appeared at my side. “Our forces can handle the grunts, but we need to take out the big dogs if we want to end this battle.”

“Furcas is already dead,” I confirmed. “I have no idea where the fuck Ira ran off to.”

“You killed Furcas?” Oliver sounded impressed. “No mortal has ever--”

“You should know by now that Jacob is much more than a mere mortal, Brother Oliver.” Jane clicked her tongue.

Suddenly, from off in the distance, there was a deep, guttural growl that shook the entire forest and caused everyone to stop fighting. Without warning, the head of a towering shadow rose up above the treeline and blocked out the rising sun. The figure had three massive canine heads attached to its mountain-like body, and it felt like there was a miniature earthquake with every step it took. Within seconds, the creature was on us.

Though they all shared the same body, each of the creature’s heads looked like it belonged to a different type of dog. The center appeared more like a Doberman, with pointy ears and an elongated snout. On the right was the head of a pit bull, and on the left was a rottweiler. All three of the creature’s heads had their own neck that intersected at the shoulders and wore a flaming purple collar.

“Yohoooo!” a voice called from above.

Atop the center head of the creature sat a slender, dark-haired figure.

Sister Ira.

“Meet Azazel’s newest creation, modeled after the guardian of the underworld himself,” Ira cackled. “I summoned him here while all of you idiots were busy killing each other. He’s such a good boy.”

“That’s right, sister,” Sia called up to the evil succubus. “He does his job diligently. He would never allow Azazel to return from the depths of Hell.”

“Bringing people out of Hell is like, the total opposite of what Senor Poochie here is supposed to do,” Todd observed.

“Very good, imp!” Ira giggled. “This isn’t Cerberus.”

Massive black bat wings sprouted from Ira’s back, and she laughed maniacally as she flew up and landed on the new beast’s head.

“Sister Ira is right,” Libidine observed. “Cerberus’ heads are in the opposite order, and this dog doesn’t have violet eyes!”

“She said it was her and Azazel’s ‘creation,’” Sia pondered. “They must have used Ira’s mirror powers to create a clone of the beast.”

“You were always so smart, Superbia,” Ira cooed from above, “It’s a shame you couldn’t figure it out sooner.”

Ira patted the Cerberus clone on the head tenderly, and the beast responded with a deep growl.

“Now, my pet,” the evil succubus sneered, “let’s bring back our master.”

Chapter 19

As I stared up at the evil succubus riding the massive dog creature, all I could do was laugh. Ira may have been evil, but she certainly was the master of clever, needlessly complex plans.

“So… can somebody recap for me?” Todd asked with a raised hand. “How does having a copy of a demon dog bring Azazel back to life?”

“Are you familiar with Newton’s Third Law?” Sia asked.

“That’s the kid with the robot dog, right?” Todd retorted.

“No, it’s-- Nevermind.” I sighed. “It’s the law of physics that claims that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

“Precisely,” The redhead nodded. “That’s how Ira’s mirror spells work.”

“But this time, it’s on a massive scale,” Cupi added.

“But how--” Todd began.

“If Cerberus was the guardian of Hell’s gates, the being that allowed souls to pass in and out of the underworld, then what would the job of his polar opposite be...?” I lead the imp like a teacher.

The lightbulb dinged on in Todd’s head. “To let people in and out of the underworld but from the inside!”

“But we’re not going to let it get to that,” I assured my friends. “It’s time to go Divine and blast a hole through this fucker’s chest.”

I searched deep down into my core and tried to summon up every emotion I could possibly think of. For a second, I swore I could feel the souls of my friends as my body was engulfed with a brilliant white light.

“So it is true…” Ira muttered. “No matter! You’ll need a lot more than your lame-o Divine powers to stop this puppy.”

Ira pointed in my direction, and the evil creature’s massive paw took a swipe at us.

I summoned a large green portal on the ground underneath my friends and me, and we were harmlessly transported behind the fucker as it took out a swath of forest.

“Take my energy, Jakey!” Todd exclaimed as he overdramatically pointed both his fingers in my direction.

“Brothers! Angels!” Oliver raised his hands over his head. “Send your magic to Jacob!”

I closed my eyes and tried to focus all the power that was now entering my system. The energy surged and pulsated in my body as it was being charged like a battery, prepared to deal the final blow. My eyes opened, and I saw that I was now fully encased in a blinding white light.

“Eieci te ad infernum unde venistis!” I commanded to the beast.

Ira catapulted herself to safety at the last second, but my attack was still true to its mark. Cerberus’s clone was surrounded by the angelic light of my curse, and the creature shone like the supernova of a star. Four silver, ectoplasmic ropes shot out of the ground, wrapped around the monster’s legs, and began to pull him downward.

The three-headed dog snarled as his two outer heads bit at the shimmering ropes. The creature’s body was forced into the dirt, but he remained determined to break his chains. The monster coiled up into a ball, shook his hind end, and then jumped into the air. His raw strength caused two of the magic ropes to snap, but they quickly regenerated and wrapped themselves back around Cerberus’ feet.

A swirling violet portal appeared in the sky above the dog and began to descend on the evil pooch. Try as he may to escape, the beast was trapped.

Victory seemed imminent.

“Foolish succubus!” one of the demons roared from the crowd. “Our entire plan has gone to shit because you couldn’t leave Ralston out of it!”

“I guess she just couldn’t resist the mortal’s dick!” another demon hissed. “Leave it to a succubus to think with her pussy and not her brain.”

“See, sister?” Libidine shook her head solemnly as she yelled at Ira. “These demons will never accept you for who you are. To them, you’ll always be a lowly succubus, inferior in every way.”

“You’ve set up one of the most elaborate plots I’ve ever seen, Ira,” Cupi added. “You were minutes away from success, and they still don’t appreciate everything you’ve done.”

“What would you have me do, sister?” Ira balked. “Join you? I’d rather join the dog in--”

Ira’s words were cut off by a strange sizzling sound. The succubus went silent, and then a wide grin spread across her face.

I looked over toward the commotion, and my mouth fell agape.

The massive portal, the one that was supposed to banish the creature back from Hell, was frozen in place. Sparks of violet shot off in every direction from the spell as it tried to descend, but it refused to budge.

“Nice try, Jacob,” Ira giggled, “but it looks like my creation is more powerful than we originally thought.”

“Why the fuck isn’t it working?” I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. “That’s ancient Vatican magic. It’s supposed to banish any demon back to Hell!”

“Sister Ira’s creation isn’t from Hell, Jacob,” Sia explained as her eyes lit up with understanding. “The spell cannot work on something that isn’t Demonic in the first place.”

“So you’re saying that Jakey’s spell is glitching out because it can’t identify Satanic Scooby-Doo’s genetic makeup?” Todd asked curiously.

“More or less.” The redhead sighed.

“Delicious,” Ira cackled from above, and then she darted over toward her pet on her bat-like wings. She glided down onto the nape of the Cerberus clone’s neck and then nestled herself into his fur playfully. The succubus cockily shook her shoulders and cleared her throat.

“Oh, Doggie!” she cooed. “Let’s have some fun, shall we?”

The evil succubus whistled, and the massive dog’s ears perked up. Ira gave another silent command to her creation as he pulled himself to his feet.

“Well, if Divine power won’t cut it… light them up!” I commanded my army.

Blasts of red, black, white, and yellow began to strike the titanic dog, but they did nothing but bounce off like raindrops on a windshield.

The Cerberus clone knelt down, shook his body, and then forced himself upward into the air. As he hit the height of his jump, the silver ropes snapped like an ectoplasmic rubber band and evaporated with a sizzle. All three of the dog’s heads had a rabid look in their eyes as it turned to face us.

“Aw, fuck,” Oliver grumbled.

“The trees, Jakey!” Todd let out a shrill scream. “Use the trees again!”

I summoned emerald flames into my hands and stuck them out at the bloodied logs next to Furca’s crushed body. I raised the massive bludgeoning objects into the air and then flicked my hands to throw them at the Cerberus clone.

The two outer heads of the creature jerked to the side and caught the logs in their mouths. The clone then snarled, bit down, and snapped the huge trees in half as if they were twigs. He shook his head furiously as the giant chunks of log fell to the ground and turned the demons at his feet into a gory smear.

“Fucking mutt!” I heard one of the demon’s hiss. “You’re supposed to kill them, not us!”

“Is that so?” Ira laughed maniacally as the beast lowered its head so that she was just above the snarky demon.

“Are you threatening to turn traitor like the others?” the demon growled. “Typical succubus. Our loyalty is to Azazel, and we’ve gone through Hell and back to make his return possible.”

“I have gone through Hell and back to make our master’s return possible!” Ira screamed angrily. “This whole plan was my idea. I was the one who got ‘Marvin Franklin’ where he needed to be. I’m the one who got Proposition Sixty-Six passed. I’m the only one who has the power to clone the Guardian of the Gateway!”

She swept her gaze across all the bitching demons still alive and snarled. “And what thanks have I gotten? I’ve been called a traitor, a horny idiot, and an ‘inferior succubus.’ You Seventy-Two Servants are a bunch of ungrateful fuckers!”

“Know your place, you--” the demon began.

Before he could finish his sentence, one of the dog’s long-snouted heads snapped the demon up into his jaws. There was a horrified scream as the dog raised the fucker up into the air and shook him around, spraying blackish-red blood across the landscape. The Cerberus clone finally clenched his jaws together, and a grisly crunch rang out as the demon’s eyes rolled back in his head and his body went limp. The beast threw his head back, tossed the dead demon up into the air, and then swallowed him down his gullet in a single gulp.

“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” Ira cackled from atop the monster. “I’m done working for assholes who don’t appreciate me. Fuck Azazel, fuck the Seventy-Two Servants, fuck the Divine, and fuck Jacob Ralston!”

The remaining army of demons began to unleash attacks of Hellfire at the evil succubus and her pet, but they seemed to be just as useless as the Cultists and Angels’ attacks.

Ira continued to laugh as the dog started to tear into both armies. The clone took a swipe at the demon horde with his massive paw, and there was a mist of crimson as several of the fuckers were thrown back through the air.

A few of the Divine were airborne, strafing the giant dog as they blasted at it with beams of blinding light. The left and right heads of the beast snapped at the passing angels, but the Divine were too quick for the beast.

Meanwhile, the center head of the creature was focused on the foot soldiers on the ground. Ira unleashed blasts of turquoise fire from the top of the beast down onto the demons and cultists like an acidic rainstorm.

Several of the targets were able to toss up purple barriers or teleport themselves away with a flash of emerald. A few inhuman screams of agony, however, told me that some of the demons hadn’t been quick enough.

“How the fuck are we gonna take down ‘roided out Lassie?” Todd mused as he threw another handful of fireballs at the beast.

“If video games have taught me anything, it’s that every giant creature has a weakness,” I joked. “There has to a weak spot on his body, or he has to be vulnerable to a certain type of spell, or--”

“The central head,” Uriel’s voice panted as the Archangel landed beside us. “Cerberus’ brain is located in his center head. It might be the same with this beast, so if we can destroy that, we can destroy her minion.”

“How exactly do we do that?” Cupi scoffed. “If you haven’t noticed, our attacks aren’t really doing any damage.”

“Our attacks aren’t, but his might.” Uriel pointed at me. “Raphael tells me that you can control the powers of both Heaven and Hell, no?”

“Well, yeah,” I started, “but that hasn’t exactly done much good so far.”

The Archangel put his hand on my shoulder. “Trust me on this, Jacob Ralston,” he implored. “You are much stronger than anyone else here, including Raphael and me.”

I nodded to Uriel. I wasn’t sure if I actually believed him, or whether I thought he was just blowing smoke up my ass. Either way, I liked what I was hearing.

“Thanks for the pep talk.” I chuckled. “So what? I teleport up there, blast poochie in the head with my Divine powers, and that’s it?”

“I wish it were that simple,” Uriel said with a sigh. “Unfortunately, Ira has cast an anti-teleportation hex around her. You’ll have to get up there the old-fashioned way.”

“That’s what I was afraid of,” I said.

“Shoulda read the fine print, bro.” Todd snickered.

“What are we waiting for?” Libidine asked as I suddenly felt her arms wrap around my torso. “Sisters, let’s get Jacob up!”

“Phrasing, dudette.” Todd chuckled and then walked over to Uriel. “Care to be my Divine Uber, Urinal?”

“Uriel,” the Archangel corrected with a sigh and then held out his arms, “but yes, I’ll take you.”

“Uh-oh,” Todd started as he hopped up into the blond angel’s arms, “I’m totally giving you a bad driver review.”

Uriel ignored the imp’s antics and pushed his bright red wings downward to take off toward the Cerberus clone. A second later, Liby lifted us off into the air, and we followed the Archangel into battle.

“Sia and I will distract Sister Ira,” Cupi called out over the sound of the rushing wind. “You just worry about the clone.”

As we approached the beast, I surveyed the battlefield from above. There were only a few angels in the fray, and they seemed to be fighting alongside my cultists like they were all one well-oiled machine. From what I could tell, nobody on our side had fallen, thankfully.

The demons, on the other hand, were not so lucky. Those fuckers were being assaulted on all sides by angels, cultists, succubi, and a giant demon dog. Several of the demons looked like they were trying to flee as they were skewered by spears, incinerated by white light, and crushed under the Cerberus clone’s body. It was only a matter of time before they were wiped out, and victory was ours.

Of course, there was still the matter of the evil succubus and the giant demonic beast. One thing at a time, I guess.

“Sisters!” Ira called out happily when she finally noticed our approach. “Welcome! It’s beautiful, isn’t it? We can finally write our own destiny. No more bowing down to a master, no more following the rules of Lucifer or the Divine, and no more sitting at the bottom of the food chain!”

Libidine corkscrewed her body to avoid a blast of red Hellfire, and for a moment I felt like I was gonna be sick. The succubus and I continued to twist through the air until we were right above Ira.

“We’ve already broken our bonds, sister,” Liby proclaimed firmly. “We are with Jacob because we want to be, not because he is our ‘master.’”

From above, there was the sound of beating wings. Cupi landed beside us on the back of the beast with Sia still in tow.

“I was skeptical at first too, Ira,” Sia added, “but he is a kind and gentle soul who truly cares for us.”

“We love him, Ira,” Cupiditas explained.

Ira made a gagging face. “Love?” she spat. “Ewww. I just thought you were with him for his massive cock. That sounds much more appealing than all that mushy, touchy-feely shit.”

“Oh, we get plenty ‘touchy-feely’ when we want to,” Cupi quipped with a giggle.

“I can vouch for that.” Todd shuddered. “I’ve walked in on it so many times that my retinas have been permanently scarred.”

Without warning, Ira unleashed a blast of acidic Hellfire in our direction.

Liby spun us out of the way of the deadly attack just in time, and I countered with a giant fireball right as the succubus stopped spinning. At the same time, I saw two more flashes of red hurling toward the Sister of Wrath.

The dog lifted his head, opened his massive jaws, and the fireballs entered his throat. The dog slammed his mouth closed and swallowed the attack harmlessly.

“Cute,” Ira giggled, “but it’s gonna take a lot more than that to stop my baby.”

The dog beast lashed out and used his snout as a blunt instrument to strike at Uriel. Though the Archangel tried to twist out of the way, the false Cerberus was too immense to dodge. Uriel was struck hard in the back, and Todd’s screams grew distant as he and the Archangel were sent hurtling through the air away from the battle.

“That’s quite enough, Ira!” Sia hissed and blasted at the evil succubus with black fire. At the same time, Cupi cast a blue spell at her former sister.

“I agree,” Ira cackled as she summoned pink Hellfire around her body. “I want to end this as quickly as possible.”

It was too late for either succubi to cut off their spells, and the second the attacks struck the evil succubus, they reverberated back and engulfed Cupi and Sia. Both of my friends tensed up and froze in midair, trapped by their own spells. Both of the succubi began to fall toward the ground, unconscious and helpless.

“Fuck!” I roared and cast down a purple platform.

Sia and Cupi’s bodies bounced off the barrier and rolled into the trees below. They might be hurt, but they were at least far enough away from the battle that they were safe for the moment.

“Get us behind this fucker, now!” I commanded Libidine as I launched another blast of Hellfire.

The succubus wasted no time. We darted around to the backside of the Cerberus clone, and I tried to summon up my Divine powers.

My entire body surged with power as I charged my attack. A brilliant white light surrounded my form, and I could feel my horns throbbing on my temples. I channeled my power into my hands, clapped them together, and prepared to unleash figurative Hell on these fuckers.

There was a flash of turquoise light as Ira tried to take us out, and Libidine’s body suddenly jerked to the side. She saved my life even as the acid rocked her, but the sudden dodge came right as I released the Divine blast.

Instead of taking out the Cerberus clone, the Divine light shot into the remnants of the demon horde as we spun downward. Liby and I both landed roughly onto the back of the dog, and I had to throw up a wall of violet fire to keep us from tumbling off completely.

“That hurt like a bitch,” the curvy succubus hissed as she pulled herself to her feet.

“It must have, if it got you to swear,” I noted with a groan.

“I really hope Superbia can fix this.” Liby grimaced and outstretched her left wing.

The succubus’ bat-like appendage was now gnarled beyond recognition. Half of the wing was melted off, and there was a giant hole in the middle of the remaining skin.

“No wonder we just did a tailspin,” I growled and then turned back to Ira. “That bitch is gonna pay for hurting you.”

“Don’t be too harsh on her, Jacob,” Liby pleaded. “Ira is merely misguided... and a little looney. All she needs is a little bit of love and direction in her life.”

“I’ll say,” I muttered. “Maybe she just needs some sense knocked into her, too.”

“Aw, poor doggie!” Ira clicked her tongue and floated up into the air. “It looks like you have a couple of pesky fleas. But don’t worry, Mommy will exterminate them for you.”

The evil succubus summoned her enchanted morning star into her right hand as she charged at me from above. She launched another shot of acid flame in our direction as she glided, and Liby and I were forced to roll out of the way.

That gave Ira time to close the gap, and I was barely able to toss up a violet shield before her morning star smashed into my face. The impact from the blow knocked me to my knees, but I quickly recovered with a blast of red Hellfire to the succubus’ stomach.

Ira let out a grunt of pain and somersaulted backward. She halted her momentum by thrusting her feet down into the beast’s back and propelling her body into the sky. The succubus twisted agilely out of the way of Liby’s yellow daggers and then returned fire with a blast of red magic.

Liby rolled out of the way of the attack, but Ira was prepared. The evil succubus readied her morning star and darted downward, ready to finish the job.

Unfortunately for her, I was prepared too.

I cast up a wall of purple fire, and Ira crashed right into it, face-first.

The succubus ricocheted off the barrier as her morning star flew out of her hand and over the edge of the beast’s body. Ira collapsed to the ground, but she was back on her feet in no time. The succubus’ nose was bloodied, her eyes were intense with fury, and she was now nursing her left shoulder as she stood.

“This isn’t over, Jacob,” she hissed. “I will never bow down to you and worship you like my sisters do.”

Ira tossed a spray of turquoise fire in my direction, but it harmlessly sizzled as it met another enchanted purple barrier.

“That’s not what I want at all, Ira,” I explained to the crazy-eyed woman. “I want you to be free just as much as you do.”

“Liar!” The succubus hissed and then charged at me with her hand aglow in red Hellfire.

Ira raised her enchanted hand above her head, but I closed the gap and caught her wrist before she could release the spell. Instead, a brilliant beam of crimson flames shot up into the air like a spotlight.

“You’re just like Azazel and Earl,” Ira growled. “You want to get all of us under your control so that can grow more powerful and conquer all of creation. You may have Sia and Cupi and Liby all fooled, but if you’ve seen one Succubus Lord, you’ve seen them all!”

The succubus continued to struggle in my grasp, but I tightened my grip and made sure she wasn’t going anywhere.

“Your sisters are free to go whenever they wish,” I tried to explain. “They choose to follow me because they believe in our mission.”

“Your mission?” Ira sneered.

“Yes, sister,” Liby added painfully as she favored her crippled wing. “To eliminate the evils in this world, to crush those who prey on the weak and the innocent. And of course, to have a blast while doing so.”

“We’re succubi, Liby.” Ira sighed. “We are ‘evil.’ It’s in our nature.”

“That’s not true at all!” I shook my head. “Ira, meeting your sisters was the single greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. Before them, I was a down-on-his-luck loser with a dead-end job and a shitty apartment.”

“I can believe that,” the dark-haired woman spat.

“Thanks.” I chuckled. “The point is, your sisters are the purest souls I’ve ever met. Demonic or not, they have done more good in this world than most people could ever dream of. You’re not evil at heart, Ira.”

The succubus finally stopped struggling, so I let her go. Then Ira’s body relaxed, and she looked down at the ground sadly.

Then, she did something I never would have dreamed of. Ira started to cry.

“I-- I just wanted to do good for once,” she sobbed. “I just wanted to be more than a lowly succubus, to be treated like somebody who mattered.”

Libidine embraced Ira tenderly from behind.

“I understand, Sister,” she comforted Ira. “Sia, Cupi, and I all felt the exact same way when we were under Earl’s rule, but even if you succeed with this plan, Azazel won’t look at you any differently. He’s using you as a means to an end, that’s all. He’ll toss you aside the second he’s back on Earth, and I think deep down you know that too.”

The clone of Cerberus growled as a few more angels dive-bombed it from overhead.

“Ira,” I said as I tried to bring us back to the task at hand, “the Seventy-Two Servants and their minions are all but wiped out. It doesn’t look like we’ve suffered any casualties, but if this continues this little doggie’s gonna run out of bad guys to chew up. How can we stop this thing?”

“You already know the way.” The succubus sighed in defeat. “Take out the main head, and the body will die. But I don’t know how that’s possible, only a--”

“Leave it to me,” I interrupted.

I walked over to the base of the beast’s neck and closed my eyes. The first Divine blast already missed, and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to summon up enough energy to do a second. I thought about all the things that were at stake. If I couldn’t do this, the best-case scenario would be a bunch of my allies and followers would die. The worst case scenario was that Azazel would return and wreak havoc on the universe.

Neither of those options sounded particularly good.

I could feel the power of the Divine coursing through my body as a brilliant light began to glow around me.

“So those holy powers weren’t just a one time thing,” Ira cooed. “It is what they are afraid of.”

“What are you talking about?” Liby asked.

“I’ll explain later,” the other succubus said slyly. “For now, we need to focus on channeling our energy to Jacob.”

“We?” I asked coyly and then my power surged.

Suddenly, I felt Ira’s surprisingly tender hand on my back. “Yes, Jacob,” she whispered into my ear. “I’ll join your little foursome.”

At Ira’s words, the light surrounding my body grew even more intense.

I could barely see anything beyond the outline of the creature in front of me, but my powers felt stronger than I had ever felt before. I clapped my hands together and let out a scream as I funneled all my divine energy toward the Cerberus clone’s neck.

The beast’s outer heads let out a yelp of surprise as the white-hot energy melted the flesh and muscle off the middle one. The clone began to flail around wildly in terror and then went limp.

When I finally let up on my attack, all that was left of the middle head was a smoking stump of burnt meat. The Cerberus clone’s body started to topple to the side. He was dead.

“Hold on!” Ira called out, and then I felt the succubus’ hand on the nape of my shirt. Ira pulled me and Libidine up into the air as the creature fell.

The dead body of the massive beast smashed into the ground, and the impact caused the Earth to tremble. Then, it lit up with a vibrant pink Hellfire and disappeared into the morning air like a specter.

The next thing I knew, my feet were safely back on solid ground, with Ira and Liby right beside me.

In the distance, I could see the few surviving demons fleeing toward the Portas ad Inferos with my followers in hot pursuit. Several of the fuckers were taken down by blasts of red and yellow Hellfire, but a handful of them made it to the Porta ad Inferos in time. The demons leapt over the edge of the well and screamed as they descended into the portal, toward the fiery abyss. Finally, there was nothing left of the demon horde but dead bodies.

All around, I heard the cultists and angels erupt into happy cheers.

Somehow, some way, we had won the battle.

Chapter 20

Liby and I all rushed through the forest, through the brush and the bramble and the thorns, as we looked for our two fallen friends. Their bodies had landed somewhere just to the west of the Porta ad Inferos, and I just hoped that they were okay.

“I found them!” Ira called from above.

The dark-haired succubus swooped down into a cluster of trees and then reappeared with Cupiditas and Sia in her arms. Ira glided down gracefully in front of us and sat the unconscious succubi gently down onto the ground.

I ran over, knelt down, and sat up Cupi in my hands.

“Come on, Cupiditas,” I begged. “You’re fine. It was just a little de-powering spell, right?”

“That barrier hurt, jerk,” the blonde stirred with a grin. “Don’t you think you could have let us down a little easier?”

“I’ll never let you down,” I winked at the succubus, “even if my life depended on it.”

“That’s good to hear.” The fit blonde’s grin turned into a look of fury as her eyes settled on Ira. “I-- Ira!”

Cupi shot straight up and blasted a freezing spell directly into her enemy.

Ira didn’t even try to fight back, and her body instantly tensed up and froze in place.

“Let her go, Cupi,” I reassured the blonde. “She’s on our side.”

Cupi raised her eyebrow and looked at me like I had a third eye.

“Our side?” she argued. “She was just trying to kill us a few minutes ago.”

“That’s right,” I nodded, “but Ira has agreed to join us. Sort of. Mainly, she wants to be free of Azazel.”

“That’s what I have been telling her since back at the mansion,” Sia sounded more annoyed than usual as she stood to her feet. “What made her change her mind?”

“I saw Jacob at full power,” Ira cooed. “Not to mention, he beat me raw like a dog, and my sub side is totally into that.”

“Too much information, sister.” Liby gagged playfully and then walked over to Sia. “I hate to be a bother, Superbia, but our newfound ally messed up my wing pretty bad.”

Libidine outstretched her injured wing, and the redheaded madame began to examine it.

Sia grimaced as she took in the damage, and then she clicked her tongue playfully. “That’s not too bad.” Her frown turned into a smile. “I’ve brought people back from the literal brink of death. I think I can handle a piece of torn skin.”

The redhead’s hand lit up with golden flames as she caressed Liby’s mangled appendage. The wing was surrounded with the warm, yellowish glow of the spell, and then it began to re-grow before our eyes. At the center hole, the flaps of skin around the edge began to extend back inward. Meanwhile, the bone that was jutting out of the top mended itself until it once again had a familiar bat-like frame. Within seconds, Libidine’s entire body was healed.

“Speaking of which,” I spoke up, “we need to get you back to the battlefield. I’m sure there are a lot of our followers and angels who were injured and could use your help.”

Sia nodded with a smile. “I’m always glad to be of assistance, Jacob.”

The five of us made our way back through the woods until we stumbled back into the clearing that housed the Porta ad Inferos. Sia went to work instantly, dashing back and forth across the battlefield and assisting anyone who was injured with her healing spell.

Across the way, I noticed Todd and Uriel stagger through the tree line on the opposite side of the clearing. The little imp threw up both his hands in victory.

“Todd’s not dead, bitches!” he exclaimed and ran toward us.

“You guys okay?” I asked the second Todd wrapped his tiny arms around my leg in an embrace. “You missed all the good stuff.”

“I dunno, bro.” The imp shook his head. “Urinal and I kicked some more demon ass while we were over there. I even got into a fiddle-off with Lucifer himself. I had to show that sonovabitch that I was the best that’s ever been!”

“Or,” Uriel rolled his eyes as he approached, “my wing was damaged by the dog’s teeth, and we got lost in the forest.”

“Nah, I totally won that fiddle made of gold,” Todd lied.

I patted the imp on the head. “Sure, you did, little buddy,” I chuckled. “Sure, you did.”

“There needs to be a guardian of this place,” Jane spoke up. “Especially now that its location has been revealed, and it’s set to become public land.”

“I can deal with that,” Ira chimed in. “I may have switched sides, but I’m still ‘Mrs. Franklin.’ I’ll ask to speak again before Congress, and then I’ll get them to reverse Proposition Sixty-Six. This land is going to stay with the Edisons.”

“Then it will need a guardian more than ever,” Cupi explained. “We can’t be here twenty-four seven, but maybe one of our Divine friends can help us find a protector for the Edisons?”

“Uh, shouldn’t we ask them how they feel about this?” I laughed. “We should probably go check on them, anyway.”

“Agreed,” Raphael’s voice joined the conversation. “They need to know that they are safe, but that they are also being asked by the Divine to perform a crucial role in this war.”

“On that subject,” Todd motioned to the angels that stood on the battlefield with the cultists, “who are these Woodstock-looking dudes and dudettes over there?”

“I’ll explain along the way.” Raphael smiled at the imp.

The Archangel turned around, whistled, stuck his hand into the air, and then closed it into a fist. The rest of the angels mimicked the gesture and then began to march toward us.

“Uh, right,” Oliver mumbled and stuck his hands around his mouth. “Cult of Ralston, assemble!”

“Holy copyright infringement, Batman,” Todd clicked his tongue.

We all made our way back to the old barn that housed the old couple, and we were followed by the cult and a group of angels.

I really hoped Elmer wasn’t going to have another heart attack when he saw our motley crew.

We got to the massive door of the barn, and I slowly pushed it open. The cock of a shotgun told me that Elmer and Betty were still safe and sound.

“Who’s there?” the old man demanded. “I’ve got a weapon, and I ain’t afraid to use it!”

I held up my hands as the flanneled man appeared from the shadows, gun at the ready. “It’s just me, Elmer,” I said as I tried to calm the man down. “We won.”

“How do I know you aren’t another one of those little demons, trying to trick me?” he demanded.

“Elmer, it’s me,” I explained. “Jacob Ralston. My redheaded friend saved you from having a heart attack, remember?”

Elmer was visibly sweating and trembling. The poor guy must have been terrified.

“Elmer Edison,” Uriel’s calm-but-booming voice called out from behind. “Hello, my friend.”

The old man’s eyes widened in disbelief, and he lowered the gun.

“Are you-- Are you what I think you are?” he asked.

Uriel nodded. “Yes, my friend,” the blond man confirmed. “I am an angel.”

“Betty, get out here!” he called to his wife. “There’s a-- a real angel out here who wants to meet us!”

Betty waddled out from behind one of the banisters and sauntered over next to her husband. The second she saw Uriel, she clasped her hands together, fell to her knees, and bowed.

Elmer was right behind her.

“Please, please.” Uriel chuckled. “You don’t need to bow. I’m not even that far up on the Chain of Being, relatively speaking.”

As the Edisons returned to their feet, the rest of our crew entered the barn.

“This is the Army of the Divine,” the Archangel explained. “Your own property is now sacred ground, Elmer and Betty Edison.”

“S--Sacred ground?” Betty gasped.

“That’s right,” Todd interjected. “We just had a badass epic demon vs. angel battle out by the old well, led by yours truly. I’m available to pose for the statue whenever you’d like.”

“He’s only halfway joking,” I pointed out.

“Your well contains the Porta ad Inferos, the portal to Hell,” Raphael now added. “That’s why the demons wanted your land so badly.”

“But we defeated them and drove them back to the pits from whence they came.” Sia nodded.

“My succubus friend is correct,” Uriel continued. “Your property is now the site of the first major battle between the forces of Heaven and Hell in centuries.”

“The Battle of Hell’s Gate,” Raphael interrupted.

“We’re-- I don’t know what to say,” Elmer sputtered.

Sia placed her hand tenderly on the old man’s shoulder. “Then don’t say anything. You two are safe for now.”

“What about Marvin Franklin?” Betty asked. “Our land is still going to get scooped up and given to the Government.”

Ira stepped forward, and the old couple pulled back in horror.

“No, they won’t.” She sighed. “I’ve been terrible to you, Edisons. I’m sorry. I’m going to try to atone for all my sins, starting with what my ‘husband’ and I did to you. After everything is done here, I’m headed back to D.C. to get the Proposition reversed.”

“What about the demons?” Elmer continued. “They found us once, what’s stopping them from finding us again?”

“I shall request the Exalted One to send one of his most trusted Archangels to guard over this place,” Raphael explained. “He shall be the first angelic Watcher that the Earth has had in centuries.”

Todd nudged Elmer’s knee playfully. “Hear that?” he giggled. “You guys are getting your own Watcher. I’d rather have one of those around than one of those cable company all-in-one home security systems.”

“Elmer and Betty Edison,” Raphael commanded as he stepped forward and placed his hands on their shoulders. “You have been tasked by the Exalted One with guarding the Porta ad Inferos from Lucifer and his minions,” he explained. “Do you accept?”

“Of course we do,” Elmer nodded solemnly. “Anything for the big man upstairs.”

“Excellent!” the Archangel exclaimed. “Then it is settled. Uriel and I will return home to strategize and deal with our divine duties--”

“That means they’re totally gonna bang,” Todd whispered to me.

“--and then we will figure out where to go from there,” he finished. “This war is far from over, but we have won for now.”

Raphael, Uriel, and the rest of the angels walked back outside and then turned around.

“Until next time, Jacob.” Raphael nodded, and then the entire group vanished into a brilliant white light.

“We’d better get going ourselves,” I said to the old couple as I handed them a card with our cell numbers on it. “Take care of yourself, Edisons. Call us if you ever need us.”

I shook Elmer and Betty’s hands one final time before we walked away.

“Uh, do you have room for one more?” Ira asked coyly as we walked toward our car. “Or is the orgy vehicle full?”

“I think we can manage.” I winked at the dark-haired succubus.

“What about us?” Oliver asked hopefully. “I really don’t care to take an Uber all the way back to Arizona.”

“Wait, did you take one from Phoenix to here?” I said in shock.

“Of course!” the white-haired man scoffed. “How else were we going to get dozens of people out here on such short notice? Surely there’s enough in Quinn’s accounts to cover the sixty-thousand-dollar bill.”

“When we get back, remind me to give you a lecture about finances.” Sia sighed.

“Perhaps the purchase of some buses would be in order?” Oliver asked with a raised finger.

“Buses?” I scoffed. “Those things cost an arm and a leg to keep up! We may finally have an income flow thanks to the strip club, but even then--”

“A single bus is going to cost much less than sixty-thousand dollars every time we need them somewhere,” Sia argued.

“That’s... That’s fair,” I chuckled. “Remind me to look into bus prices when we get back to Phoenix. For now, I guess just take a Greyhound or something. It’ll still put a dent in our wallet, but it can’t possibly be as expensive as dozens of cross-country Ubers.”

Finally, we came upon Shadow, still parked where we had left her. I hopped into the driver’s seat, while Ira and Todd slipped in beside me and the other three succubi jumped into the back.

“We’ll see you guys back at the mansion,” I called out to Jane and Oliver through the rolled-down window. “We’re gonna drop Ira off back in D.C., and then we’ll be on our way.”

“I can’t wait,” Jane purred as her eyes narrowed. “It’s about time for another one of our ‘check-ins.’”

The brunette cultist whipped around and started walking down the makeshift path. As she walked, she made sure to pop her ass back and forth playfully. She knew I was watching, and she knew it was just what I wanted to see.

Oliver and the rest of the cultists followed Jane excitedly.

I may have been eager about seeing Jane again, but I certainly wasn’t looking forward to getting that travel bill.

I flipped the key, and Shadow roared to life. I put her into gear, and then we headed off down the path.

We gave the cultists a playful wave as we drove past, and they responded with a mixture of playful annoyance and cheers. A few minutes later, we were back on the country road that would lead us back to the highway.

“There was something I wanted to ask you, Ira,” I remembered. “You mentioned something about how ‘they’ were afraid of my Divine powers. Raphael and Azazel said something similar. What the fuck are you all talking about?”

None of the succubi said anything as an uncomfortable silence filled the air.

“It’s a secret,” Ira finally cooed. “I’ll let you know once you get to know me a little better.”

“That won’t take long.” I laughed. “That fight was really draining. I’ve got to get stronger a.s.a.p. if you get my drift.”

“I hope you’re into bondage,” Todd cackled.

“Nonsense.” Ira giggled. “For Jacob, I’ll start off gentle. Then maybe we can work our way up to that kind of thing.”

“We’ll see,” I said thoughtfully. “That’s all I’m gonna say about that.”

The sun was shining brightly along the mountains of Virginia as we passed through. It was a beautiful day, and we now had a beautiful new ally and a few new friends. We’d just won a legitimate battle against the forces of Hell, fucked over Azazel, and saved the universe once more. Most importantly, we’d added a new succubus to the group, one who was more powerful and unpredictable than any we’d encountered before.

Azazel’s powers were dwindling by the minute as mine grew stronger and stronger. Soon, I would have his other three succubi, and he would be little more than a worthless, spineless coward.

I looked around at the succubi and Todd, and then I leaned back in my seat.

As long as we were together, I don’t think there was anything in the entire universe that could stop us.

End Book 3

End Notes

Thank you for reading Succubus Lord 3! This series gets tons of positive feedback and reviews. I really appreciate all the love you all give me. Don’t forget to leave your nice review here!

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2018 by Eric Vall