Chapter 1

Life was good for Jacob Ralston. It’d been nearly a month since I’d tasted ultimate victory over the Unholy Trio, and it had been fiesta after glorious fiesta ever since.

First came Lilith’s coronation, the symbolic act that gave her the Eighth Circle and revealed to the world that she was no longer a neutral observer in the battle between good and evil. It was a quick, yet serious, ceremony.

What came next, however, was anything but serious.

The festivities began in the City of Umbra, where we dined on Darkfisk hors d’oeuvres and drank Caliginian ale until we nearly passed out. Then came the celebration in Ziminiar’s castle in the Sixth Circle, followed by a fun, club-like experience back in the First Circle.

Now, here we sat, on the warm, clear beaches of the Fifth Circle as we soaked in the sun.

As I sat up from the makeshift beach chair I’d made out of my purple Hellfire, I couldn’t help but marvel at the spectacular scene around me.

Beside me, all lined up in a row, were the Demon Lords who had once been my succubi.

Liby, Cupi, and Sia were sprawled out on a towel, and they were clad in nothing but skimpy two-piece bikinis that left almost nothing to the imagination. Their lotion-covered skin glistened under the rays of the sun, and I wanted nothing more than to saunter over there and rub them down some more.

Meanwhile, Gula and Tris were both snuggled up together on a shared towel. The Sister of Gluttony was nearly bursting out of her bikini top as she thumbed through some tabloid magazine, and beside her, Tristitia was out like a light, and her long, lean body laid stretched out like a piece of candy I wanted to devour.

Tris’ sunglasses may have hidden her eyes from view, but her snores were louder than a buzzsaw on a winter night.

Next to them were Invidia and Ira, both of whom had their own unique brands of comfort.

Ira, the Sister of Wrath, was sprawled out completely naked in the hot sand. She had refused to put on any sunscreen, and I could already see her delicate, pale skin turning a painful shade of red. Ira didn’t mind, though. In fact, she was reveling in it.

The Sister of Wrath had even surrounded herself with tanning mirrors, and she was moaning softly with glee as she was burnt to a crisp.

Then there was Invidia, who took the complete opposite approach. The Sister of Envy wore a tight, Baywatch style black one piece on her body, and on her head she wore a giant, equally dark sun hat. Her headpiece completely blocked the sun from her body, and she sat calmly in the shade as she stared out into the sea.

Deja, Eclipse, Mirage, and Inpulsa were all present, as well. Each one of the women were laid out on their own individual towels, and they soaked up the rays of the sun through their skin-tight swimsuits.

Eligor rounded out the rest of the sunbathers, though I wasn’t sure how she was able to stand this heat with her heavy metal chainmail top and thong.

“Boom!” I heard Todd cackle from my right. “That’s twenty-five points, bitch! You guys really need to step up your game, bro. It’s like you’re not even trying.”

“I’m trying,” Asmodeus grumbled, “but my partner here is practically useless.”

As I looked over at the scene before me, I couldn’t help but chuckle.

On one side of the volleyball court was the dynamic team of Todd and the angel Ariel. On the other side stood Asmodeus, clad in nothing but a leopard-print banana hammock, and Mammon, who looked like he was about to keel over from exhaustion.

“I’m doin’ my best!” the fat, yellow demon king shot back as he wiped a torrent of sweat from his brow. “That one over there’s cheatin!”

“Cheating?” Ariel gasped. “Mr. Mammon, sir, I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but ‘cheater’ isn’t one of them.”

“Your partner is floating around like an annoying gnat while the both of us are usin’ our feet,” Mammon protested. “Of course you guys are winning.”

“Easy there, Jabba,” Todd warned, “it ain’t my fault the only exercise you get is chasing down the ice cream man every day.”

“I thought we agreed, no powers?” the King of the Second Circle huffed.

“Ref?” Asmodeus called out. “What do you think?”

The Demon King Mephisto hovered ominously just off to the side of the court, and his arms were crossed as he watched the game play out below.

You did agree to the ‘no powers’ stipulation, he explained. However, Todd’s at a disadvantage due to his height. I’m not even sure he could reach the top of the net if it weren’t for his black Hellfire, so I will allow it in this rare instance.

“That’s what I’m talkin’ about!” Todd cackled as he gave Ariel a high five. “Now that our game’s over, Little Mermaid, there’s only one thing left to do. We gotta walk back to the rest of the group in slow motion, so the camera can focus on our chiseled abs and all that shit. I just hope this one’s a little less homo than Top Gun.”

Ariel gave Todd a grin and a nod, and then the two teammates turned around and began walking back over toward us. Now that I could see them fully, I truly appreciated what they had decided to wear.

Ariel was in a green sports bra and tight, black dri-fit shorts. Her abs, thighs, and arms were muscular with the perfect amount of femininity, and she took the term “fitness model” to a whole new level of sexy.

Meanwhile, the Toddster was wearing a bright yellow pair of trunks with red across the waistband. As if that wasn’t enough, there was a set of sunglasses plastered to the front along with a Hulk Hogan mustache above the crotch.

As they strolled, the tiny imp made it a point to hum out Danger Zone as obnoxiously as he possibly could.

“We still coulda won,” I heard Mammon grumble as he waddled past Asmodeus and followed the victors. “I honestly coulda just stood up front and blocked their shots with my bulk.”

“Please,” Asmodeus scoffed, “you’d still have to move around. Besides, I’m not exactly a fan of being on the behind, if you get my drift.”

“Bro,” Todd whispered loudly, “I told you not to make it gay.”

The four players sauntered back over to where the rest of the team laid, found their towels, and then plopped down in ecstasy.

“It’s a shame Lilith, Ziminiar, and Daniel couldn’t come out today,” Superbia mused as she looked off into the bright blue sky. “It’s the perfect weather for the beach.”

“Ziminiar is working,” I reminded the Sister of Pride, “he’s been cooped up in his castle for the last few weeks, studying every nook and cranny of the Book of Bezaleel. He fought alongside us during the battle with Beelzebub, so he’s earned a long vacation doing whatever he thinks is most important. If that’s figuring out the Book of Bezaleel, then so be it.”

“Daniel probably could have come along.” Cupiditas shrugged. “But he’s still hungover from all the partying he’s been doing with the other Shades in the army.”

“I hope they’re all having the time of their lives,” I smiled, “they’ve definitely earned it.”

“And Lilith is too busy figuring out the logistics of her new domain,” Eligor piped up from down the line. “My Mistress has been hard at work liberating the Shades of the Eighth Circle, rebranding its entire image, and putting the correct social and political structures into place. That’s why she sent me in her place.”

“I’d have it no other way,” I retorted as I looked the knight’s body up and down. “Any day you’re here with us is a fucking prize.”

“Easy there, Jakey,” Todd warned, “please don’t make me bust out the spray bottle, bro.”

“He’s just marveling at beauty when he sees it,” Asmodeus mused, “that’s what I’ve always liked about King Ralston. He has excellent taste in his romantic partners, and he’s not afraid to say it aloud.”

“He’s also not afraid to take what he wants,” Mammon chuckled as he gave Asmodeus a playful punch to the shoulder. “Isn’t that right, Mirage?”

A dark blush crept up the succubus’ face as she nodded her head in hesitation.

“A madame doesn’t kiss and tell,” she purred.

“Bullshit, Chris Angel,” Todd snickered. “Do I really gotta remind you of all the times you went around the castle, literally singing about how much you loved having Jakey all up in your guts?”

“How did that song go again?” Libidine giggled. “Long Hog Blues?”

“I dunno what makes you so blue about a hulking dong,” Todd shrugged, “if anything, I’d figure you’d be singing Ah Sweet Mystery of Life.”

“A song from a Kurt Vonnegut play?” Sia questioned. “I didn’t think you were that classy, Todd.”

“Kurt Vonnafuck?” the imp shot back. “Who the fuck is he? I’m talkin’ about the song from Young Frankenstein, Strawberry Shortcake.”

“Ah, yes.” The petite redhead rolled her eyes. “Much more cultured.”

“If Gene Wilder tap dancing with a reanimated corpse isn’t cultured,” Todd mused, “then I don’t know what is.”

“Speaking of a reanimated corpse,” Ira strained as she slowly sat up, “if I don’t switch sides soon, I’ll be in dire need of Tris’ necromancy powers.”

The skin on the Sister of Wrath’s front was now as red as a tomato, and she was covered from head to toe with white blisters and yellow, crusty chunks where the entire epidermis had been burnt off. As she slowly rolled her body over, my entire team let out a series of groans and gags.

“Are--Are you really gonna put sand in all those cuts?” I gagged. “That’s gonna sting like a bitch.”

“I know!” Ira cooed as she plopped her wounded front down onto the sandy ground.

Then the Sister of Wrath began to wiggle her body against the gritty, harsh earth as she let out a series of stifled moans.

Meanwhile, all the rest of us could do was watch in horror as the sand rubbed into her open wounds.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Ariel gasped and then placed her hand against her mouth.

“Why don’t we, uh, move to a different spot?” I suggested. “Like, away from here. Anywhere but here.”

I set off down the beach, and all of my friends and allies followed me until we came to where the shore made a natural bend.

“How about a fire?” I asked as I looked off into the setting sun. “This looks like the perfect spot for a campsite.

“I hate to be a Debbie Downer,” Todd spoke up, “but I don’t see any kindling or rocks or anything we can use to keep it going. And we’re missing the most important ingredient of all, bro … Gasoline. You can’t have a bonfire without gasoline.”

“Sure, you can,” I reminded the imp. “Actually, you probably shouldn’t be using it anyway. Remember what happened to our friend from college, Sean?”

“You mean Skippy?” Todd shot back. “The dude who was always hopping around on his fake leg? I dunno what an amputee has to do with pouring gasoline on a fire, bro.”

“Bro … ” I stared the imp down silently as I watched the realization spread across his face.

“Ohhhhhhh,” Todd giggled and slapped his forehead. “You’re saying he slipped on a puddle of gasoline, broke his leg, and they had to amputate? No worries there, bro. The sand’ll soak up anything we spill on it!”

“That’s … That’s not what I meant.” I facepalmed, but the imp was already moving on to the next subject.

“Ya know what? Fuck it.” The imp shrugged, and then he summoned Hellfire into his hand. “Sand burns, right?”

“Not really--” Asmodeus began, but Todd was already moving.

“Haduken!” he screamed as he launched a blast of red flames into the ground below.

Chunks of sand flew up into the air as the tiny fireball smashed into the dirt, and I threw up a small wall of purple flames to protect us from the backsplash. However, once the literal smoke had cleared, we saw Todd’s flame was still roaring strongly.

“That defies the laws of physics … ” I mumbled to myself.

“Bro,” Todd shook his head, “I’m a demonic imp who lives in the Fourth Circle of Hell, has a massive schlong, and is obsessed with pro wrestling. This is the part you find unrealistic?”

“I guess you’re right,” I chuckled, and then I popped a squat right next to the imp in front of the tiny flames.

“I wonder if Sister Ira will join us when the sun finally goes down,” Deja mused as she plunked down beside me.

The beautiful, tan brunette smelled sweetly of suntan lotion and coconut, and her skin was now a nearly perfect bronze as it glowed in the setting sun. Deja was clothed in a tiny, bright green bikini top composed of little more than two patches of fabric held up by a series of black metal links around her neck. The fabric swatches were just large enough to cover her erect nipples, and the bottom of the suit was a simple v-string thong.

All of my succubi were beautiful, but Deja was the one I could always count on to kill the “suns out, buns out” look.

“Are you kidding?” I laughed and put my arm around the Cali girl. “Once the sun’s gone, she’s probably gonna need a new source of pain. And that fire right there would be perfect.”

“I don’t think so,” Invidia shrugged as she pulled off her hat and tossed it to the side, “she’ll probably run down into the sea. This is salt water, right?”

“Oh, god, Elvira,” Todd shuddered, “are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“The salt water will fill her wounds and send shots of pain straight through her body,” Vidia continued, “and she’ll love every second of it.”

Just the thought of what Vidia was describing made my entire body tingle and shiver.

There was pain, and there was sadism. And then there was Ira.

We all sat there as we told each other jokes, chatted about the new developments in our Circles, and just enjoyed each other’s company as the sun went down.

Finally, after about an hour or so of socializing, Ira came sauntering over. The Sister of Wrath’s wounds were completely gone, though, no doubt a result of her powerful self-healing spells.

“Well, that was a much-needed spa day!” the dark-haired succubus exclaimed as she squeezed in between Mephisto and Asmodeus. “I haven’t felt this refreshed in years!”

“How could you?” I retorted. “Ever since Todd and I got sucked up into this world of Heaven, Hell, and everything in between, it’s been one thing after the other. First, it was hunting demons on Earth. Then it was coming down here and killing Azazel. Then we had to build up our army and take down the Unholy Trio. I think this is the first time since the beginning where we’ve had any time for a vacati--”

Before I could finish, a cold, clammy hand slapped against my mouth.

“Don’t you dare, bro,” Todd warned. “Don’t you dare jinx us by saying it out loud.”

“Saying what out loud?” Eclipse spoke up. “Was Jacob about to say some sort of incantation?”

“Even worse, Lizbeth,” the imp continued, “he’s gonna ruin all our fun party time by talking about how great it is. Total fucking jinx.”

“But … haven’t you just ‘jinxed it’ by saying it out loud?” Libidine suggested.

The color seemed to drain away from Todd’s face, and he pulled his hand away from my mouth. The tiny red imp stared at his mitts in disbelief, placed them against his head, and then let out a deep sigh.

“Maybe not, Lib,” he muttered. “Noooooo. I totally said Jakey was gonna jinx it. You can’t jinx something just by pointing out the potential for a jinx.”

“Are you sure about that?” Cupi giggled. “Because that’s not the way regular hexes work at all. If you say the right combination of words, the spell will occur. Intent or semantics don’t really matter.”

“This ain’t a regular spell, my bodacious blonde,” the imp continued, “I’m sure we’ll be fine. Just as long as Jakey doesn’t say … the thing he was about to say.”

“What?” Mammon asked with a quirked eyebrow. “That this was the first real vacation you guys have had in years?”

“Auuuuuuuggggh!” Todd tossed his head back and did his best Charlie Brown. “Way to go, Jabba, ya just jinxed us all.”

“Relax, bro,” I chuckled, “I think you’re being a bit superstitious. I know life is eventually gonna throw us back into the fray, but for now we should just kick back and enjoy each others’--”

“I see you’re still savoring your victory, King Ralston,” a familiar, cooing voice spoke up from behind me.

I spun around on the ground and found myself staring directly into a pair of golden metal trunks. Then my eyes slowly made their way up the armored body until they met with two dark purple eyes looking down at me.

Lilith, the Demon Queen.

“Awwww, what’d a I tell ya?” Todd grumbled. “Vacation jinxed.”

“Vacation?” Lilith mused. “This is what you call a vacation? I would have figured this was every day for you, Jacob. I know if I had access to these beautiful shores, I’d almost never leave their side.”

“Well, for starters, these shores are technically King Mephisto’s,” I reminded the Demon Queen, “but even if they were mine, I definitely wouldn’t get to enjoy them daily. There’s way too much shit going on for me to just sit back and push off all my responsibilities.”

“You don’t have to push them off,” the redhead smiled and then nodded to Eligor, “you just have to delegate.”

“Nah,” I shook my head as I flirted with Lilith, “you know me … I’m more of a ‘hands-on’ sort of guy.”

“Oh, yes, I remember,” she purred, “that’s exactly why I’m here right now. I have a small job. A very important job, one that will require a man of your talents.”

“The great Demon Queen is asking me for help?” I asked with a raised eyebrow. “This is new.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, King Ralston.” She smirked and wagged her finger at me. “I could probably handle this mission on my own, but I wanted the company. It makes it much more tolerable.”

“I dunno … ” I grinned, “whatever it is, I’m sure the mighty Queen of the Eighth Circle can pull it off.”

“Hmmmmm.” Lilith smiled devilishly. “I love hearing you call me that.”

“Just go ahead and fuck already!” Todd called out through a makeshift hand-bullhorn. “If I wanted to see awkward sexual tension without any action, I’d go watch Supernatural.”

“Please,” the Demon Queen said as she shot Todd a dirty look, “you and I both know that’s already happened. Many, many times. It’s how I got Jacob to keep coming back to me in my human form.”

“And it worked like a charm,” I admitted. “Now, what do you need help with, Queen Lilith?”

“Stop!” the redhead said with a happy shudder. “You’re going to make me all weak in the knees … and I can’t have my loyal subjects seeing me like that. The job’s a simple one.”

“Let me guess,” Eligor spoke up, “does it involve the Malebrache and the Fifth Pillar?”

“Whose mail are we breakin’?” Todd questioned, but the Demon Queen simply ignored him.

“Eligor is correct,” Lilith confirmed. “As you may know, I’ve spent the last few weeks going around and conquering the Eighth Circle, pillar by pillar. I’ve slain all of the Beelzebub sympathizers, as well as driven out the beasts that were once loyal to the King of the Eighth Circle.”

“So, Geryon is dead?” Sia gasped. “How in the world were you able to defeat that legendary beast?”

“Geryon isn’t dead, unfortunately,” Lilith sighed, “he somehow fled the Eighth Circle after the news of his master’s defeat. The Shades I’ve interrogated have given me several different theories on where he could have gone, but he isn’t my problem anymore. Now, the Malebrache, on the other hand … they have given me far too much grief for a single group of demons.”

“Are they some sort of cult?” I asked.

“Not a cult,” Lilith shook her head, “more like a gang or a brotherhood.”

“A fraternity?” Todd suggested.

“I suppose you could call them that.” The Demon Queen nodded.

“Wait, so you’ve got a fucking demonic fraternity in your Circle, and you wanna kick ‘em out?” the imp gasped. “Why would you do that? They throw the best parties. In fact, the frat back at Mardsten University was where the ‘ol Toddster learned how to do his first keg stand.”

“Not that kind of frat,” I rolled my eyes, “like, a group of people who share common interests and goals.”

“Oh, so more like an after-school club,” Todd scoffed, “laaaaaammmmeee.”

“Very lame,” Lilith agreed. “They live in the Fifth Pillar of the Eighth Circle, and they refuse to submit themselves to my rule.”

“Why haven’t you just wiped them all out?” Inpulsa, the yellow-haired succubus, questioned.

“Individually, the demons of the Malebrache are weak,” Lilith sighed, “but together, under the guidance of their leader Malacoda, they are quite the force to be reckoned with. My Shades are still fresh and untrained, so I need a little bit more firepower to flush them out.”

“Not to sound all selfish and shit, Scully,” Todd interjected, “but what’s in it for us? Like Jakey and I were just talking about before you rolled up, this is the first vacation we’ve had in years. There’s gotta be some sort of incentive to get us off our asses and jump back into the fight.”

“The Malebrache are known treasure hoarders,” the Demon Queen explained. “They travel around the Eighth Circle collecting the trinkets and contraband that Shades have had snuck in from Earth Realm. Surely, their cave will be filled with gold, silver, rubies, and all sorts of rare items.”

“Ehhhh.” The imp shrugged. “My sidekick Jakey over there is literally the King of the Fourth Circle. What’s a few more riches to somebody who’s already richer than Jeff Bozo?”

“Bezos,” I reminded him.

“Whatever,” the imp scoffed, “at least you didn’t have to go out to the Amazon to make your money, bro.”

There was so much wrong with the imp’s sentence, I didn’t even know where to begin. Thankfully, Lilith was quick to respond.

“The treasures they have in their cave aren’t all of the gemstone or rare metal variety … ” she goaded. “I’ve heard they have something you just might be interested in. One of the few remaining copies of Playboy’s first issue?”

Todd’s mouth fell agape when he heard the news.

“Count me the fuck in.” He nodded with wide eyes.

“Bro,” I chuckled, “why do you need an old dirty magazine? Don’t you have like, fifty gigabytes of porn saved to your hard drive?”

“You just don’t get it, Jakey,” the imp shook his head, “if what Scully’s tellin’ me is true, I could be the proud owner of a piece of pornographic history!”

“Okay … ” I mused as I watched the imp begin to do backflips of joy. “I’m in, too.”

“Interested in that Playboy as well?” Lilith teased, but I just shot her a playful dirty look.

“Actually,” I grinned, “I’m way more interested in helping out the Demon Queen who wants my help. It just feels good to be needed, ya know?”

“Wanted,” Lilith reminded me, “I want your help, I don’t need it.”

“Noted,” I chuckled, and then turned back to my circle of friends. “Alright guys … Who’s down for some treasure hunting?”

Chapter 2

“I wonder what other sorts of treasure will be waiting for us in the Malebraches’ horde,” Libidine mused as we soared over the dark, sandy desert of the Seventh Circle.

Or, at least, the mirror image of the Seventh Circle.

Even though my truce with Abaddon was still alive and well, I didn’t trust that psychopath further than I could throw him. Plus, with all of my Demon Lords along for the ride, the last thing I wanted to do was head straight into his deadly domain.

“I’m not here for the treasure,” I reminded the succubus as the bone-chilling, silent breeze of the Shadow World blew past my face. “There’s nothing in the world I could possibly want. Especially when I’ve got all of you.”

“I’m glad we’re so far up in the air, bro,” Todd rolled his eyes beside me, “because shit’s gettin’ reeeeeealllll deep in here.”

“It’s true.” I shrugged. “I’m just here to help Lilith out, especially since she’s helped me so many times. I could care less about what’s in that cave.”

“That’s not what Mammon was saying,” Liby snorted. “I swear I saw some drool come out of his mouth when Lilith was explaining everything that could be in the horde.”

“I’m pretty sure he was just daydreamin’ about deep fried butter, Lib,” Todd snickered. “That, or the KFC Double Down. Those were like, the greatest thing in the world, but I could totally feel my arteries clogging up while I ate ‘em. I mean shit, I’d smash like, ten of those things after I’d hotbox Lola, bro. Fuccccckkkk. Now I totally want one of those deliciously diabetes-inducing nuggets of greasy goodness!”

“He wanted to come along,” I explained, “but he stood down the second I told him we were all flying. He didn’t think he’d catch up, even with his, uh, motorized assistance.”

“You mean his rascal scooter?” Todd guffawed.

“Yes, his rascal scooter,” I chuckled.

“There it is!” I heard Lilith call out from the front of the group, and then she pointed down toward the ground in the distance.

There, smack-dab in the center of the dark desert, was a massive manhole cover. I recognized it immediately as the same one we’d use to sneak into Beelzebub’s domain the last time we’d come through here. That time, though, we were assaulted by flies the second we opened up the hatch.

“I love what you’ve done with the entrance,” Eclipse noted as we fluttered down around the door. “It’s a lot less gross than the last time we were here.”

The tattooed beauty was right, Lilith had definitely changed things up since she became Queen of the Eighth Circle. Gone were the dark inferoglyphs depicting Beelzebub’s feats of terror and pain, and they’d been replaced with a simple, intricate carving of a beautiful flower.

The sigil of Lilith.

The Demon Queen strutted over to the hatch, drew her rapier from her belt, and then dragged the tip across the image of the flower. As she did so, traces of black Hellfire lit up the edges of the circle, and then there was a loud metallic creak as it swung open. Finally, Lilith sheathed her weapon, turned to the rest of us, and then motioned for us to go down the hole.

One-by-one, the members of the group swooped over, positioned themselves over the hole in the ground, and then slowly lowered themselves downward. After a minute or two, only Lilith and I remained.

“Go on,” the Demon Queen urged, “I’ll shut the door behind us.”

I gave the beautiful redhead a nod of confirmation, and then I took a running start toward the interdimensional gateway. Once I was about a foot or two away from the edge, I jumped up into the air, sprouted my wings, and caught myself in the sky.

As I lowered myself down into the deep, dark hole, I couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear. I still wasn’t completely over the fact that I had fucking wings now.

I didn’t have to rely on any of the succubi to carry me places anymore, and I was already fully intending to have Cupi train me on how to better use my wings in combat.

Not to mention, they looked fucking badass.

My wings were similar to the succubi’s in that they were bat-like in appearance. The two large, leathery appendages were nearly five feet long, pitch black in color, and each one had a massive, bony spike at the tip.

If I wanted to, I could totally turn them into deadly weapons.

I floated down into the darkness for a few moments until I finally came out on the other side of the interdimensional portal. When my eyes finally adjusted to the light, my jaw hit the floor.

Even though the scene before me was frozen in time and space, it was still a sight to behold.

All around us, stretching out of the gargantuan pillars of the Eighth Circle, were equally large smoke stacks that billowed steam upward like a frothy volcano. Even more peculiar were the giant blimps and hot air balloons that dotted the horizon. I could see just how massive these things were even from a distance, and my gaze wandered over the robust vehicles made up entirely of fabric, wood, and helium.

“She totally went all Firefly with this place, bro,” Todd whistled. “Please tell me we’re gonna find some hot babe in a box at some point.”

“I can’t promise you that, Todd,” Lilith explained as she landed and joined our group, “but I can promise you the Eighth Circle is now much more inviting than it ever was under Beelzebub’s rule.”

“I love the steampunk aesthetic,” Deja noted.

“Is that what this is called ?” Lilith questioned with a tilt of her head. “Steampunk? I just chose this aesthetic because it reminds me of the early twentieth century on Earth. But it always pained me to realize they could do so much better, especially by harnessing the power of steam and clockwork. So, I built my new kingdom around that idea. Plus, how could I have a domain with this much open sky and not have any flying vehicles?”

“I dunno, Scully,” Todd snarked, “maybe if you had wings or some shit like that.”

Lilith shot daggers at Todd from her eyes, and the imp shrank back in fear.

“The Shades do not have wings,” Superbia pointed out, “and they all need a way to get around, especially if the rumors I’ve heard are true.”

“They are,” Lilith shrugged, “as penance for their sins, the Shades of the Eighth Circle are required to work eight hours a day in the factories that create these mechanical marvels you see before you.”

“Forced to work a nine-to-five job?” Todd shuddered. “I think I’d rather have the harpies ripping off my flesh.”

“It’s true,” I reminisced, “Todd’s only been employed twice. The first time was by Dave’s Burger Shack in high school, but that only lasted a week--”

“That manager was a total jabroni!” Todd protested and made air quotes. “He totally fired me for, ‘making inappropriate comments to the customers.’ Like, bro, if I can’t hit on hot babes at Dave’s Burger Shack, where can I hit on ‘em?”

“Then there was the accounting place … ”

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” the imp stuck out his tongue, “they wanted me to wear a suit and tie to work every day, Jakey. I don’t even own a suit and tie!”

“Why didn’t you just buy one with your salary?” Sia suggested, but Todd just crossed his arms and shook his head.

“Uh-uh, Strawberry Shortcake,” he scoffed, “I ain’t no trained monkey, made to submit myself to the laws and norms of ‘The Man.’ That’s why I’m all about freelancing nowadays. It’s a lot more lucrative than you’d think, ya know.”

“Tell that to all the times I had to cover your half of the rent,” I retorted with a snort.

“That was old, flabby minded human Todd,” the imp reminded me and waved his hand dismissively. “Now that I’ve got this super-smart imp brain and an equally chiseled bod, my business endeavors are ten times better, bro.”

“You mean your pyramid scheme?” Libidine giggled.

“Multi. Level. Marketing,” the imp emphasized for the succubus. “Totally legit. Just ask Ollie. He’s up to the ‘Sabbath’ level already, ya know. If he sells another million dollars worth of product, he’ll be at ‘Dio,’ and then if he does another three million, he’ll get up to the highest level, ‘Iron Maiden.’ You don’t get any better than Iron Maiden, bro.”

“As much as I’d love to stand here and discuss your business practices,” Lilith mused in a tone that suggested she was lying, “we have a Pillar to liberate. Jacob? Would you be so kind?”

“Right.” I nodded as I summoned black Hellfire into my hands.

I raised my arms out toward my friends, engulfed us all in the dark magic, and then closed my eyes as I transported us from the Shadow World and into the Eighth Circle of Hell. My body became weightless as I felt myself floating through space and time, and the whiny white noise of the Shadow World slowly turned into a different sort of noise. It was a shrill, high-pitched sound, almost like somebody was dragging a chair across a laminate floor while simultaneously whistling.

It was the sound of escaping steam.

“Welcome to my domain!” Lilith exclaimed.

I opened my eyes and saw the redhead in golden armor making an exaggerated, Sound of Music-esque twirl as she pointed out her world in action.

Now that we were out of the Shadow World, the Eighth Circle was full of life. The airships off in the distance floated toward us menacingly, while pillars of white steam poured out of the smokestacks like a reverse waterfall. The air around us was filled with the sounds of steam, mechanical whirs, and a faint hint of clicking clockwork.

“Wow,” the usually-unimpressed Invidia whispered.

“I second that,” Cupi added, “this is very impressive, especially for only being here for a few weeks.”

“I’m just fantasizing about putting my face directly in front of those steam stacks,” Ira moaned, “I bet it could melt the flesh off my skull in seconds.”

“And here I was thinking I could use them as a more sustainable cooking method,” Gula chuckled, “but I suppose you could do that, too.”

“So,” Cupi stepped forward and looked around, “where is this ‘Fifth Pillar?’ Do we have any battle strategies for fighting the Malebrache? I don’t know a ton about them, but I do know they like to fight dirty.”

“That’s an understatement,” Deja spoke up. “I fought alongside them in the Battle of First Atonement. They’ll pull some hella dirty moves. Dick kicks … Sand in the eyes … Eye gouges … Nothing is below the Malebrache.”

“Even sweeping the leg?” Todd gasped.

“Especially sweeping the leg.” The tan succubus nodded.

“Well, fuck, Clockblocker,” the imp shook his head, “we’d better Daniel-san these bitches, then.”

“That’s part of the reason my Shades haven’t been able to handle them,” Lilith explained, “since they’re still mostly untrained humans. Sure, they have the advantage of sheer numbers, but the terrain of my Circle doesn’t really lend itself to that sort of mob approach.”

“So, we really need to be on guard, then,” I reminded everyone, “but I know we can kick their asses. We’ve killed way more powerful enemies than these fuckers. Do they have any sort of special weaknesses? Are they hive minded?”

“A dagger to the heart.” Lilith winked. “That seems to do the trick.”

“Ha-ha.” I rolled my eyes. “Let’s get ready to roll out, team.”

Tris raised her hand sheepishly and then waited like a shy schoolgirl for me to call on her.

“Do we have to fly there?” she asked. “I mean, I could totally do it, but, like, we’ve flown allll the way through the last few Circles, so I figured--”

“Fear not, Tristitia.” Lilith smiled, and then she snapped her fingers. “We’re going to be riding in style.”

Suddenly, the air around us roared with the whirring of what sounded like a massive propeller. Then, over the side of the nearest cliff, a blimp that must have been the size of a football field floated up into view, stopped in midair, and hovered there ominously. Its inflated body was made up of a silver canvas that had been plated with pieces of gold here and there, and smack-dab in the middle of the airship sat the giant image of Lilith’s sigil.

The Demon Queen strutted over toward the edge of the stalagmite, took to the sky, and then motioned for us to follow her.

Each of my teammates followed Lilith’s lead, and soon we were upon the blimp. One-by-one, we floated into the open door in the cabin of the craft, and then Lilith shut the door behind us.

The inside of the blimp was fairly plain, and it was made up of the same dark brimstone so much of Hell was composed of. There were twenty leather-covered chairs lined up in two rows along the side of the craft, and they led up to the small cockpit.

“Hello, Mistress Lilith!” the man at the controls said as he turned around and waved. “I was starting to think you weren’t coming!”

The man was wearing a long, tan leather frock coat on top of a frilly, button-up white shirt, with one side folded over the other disproportionately. On his head sat a short tan top hat complete with a dark brown band, and his eyes were covered by overly-large coke-bottle goggles.

“Friends, this is Bastien, my personal driver,” Lilith explained. “He’s the best pilot in the Eighth Circle.”

“Thanks, mademoiselle,” Bastien said through a thick French accent as he adjusted his leather gloves, “I’d like to think my two years as a pilot during the Great War have something to do with that.”

“You mean World War I?” Todd asked curiously.

Bastien’s eyes went wide as his mouth dropped open. “What did you call it?”

“Oh, shit,” the imp mumbled awkwardly, “I’m guessing ya didn’t make it through the Treaty of Versailles, huh?”

“Beg pardon?” Bastien asked with a look of pure confusion on his face.

“Bastien here was shot down in nineteen-sixteen,” Lilith noted, “anything after that is completely foreign to him.”

“Fuuuuucccck,” Todd groaned, “how am I supposed to come up with a nickname somebody that old will get? Like, shit, I’m gonna have to dig deep into my bag of references for this one … ”

“Take us to the Fifth Pillar, Bastien,” Lilith commanded, and the man gave her a salute of confirmation. “We’ve got a date with the Malebrache.”

Without another word, the pilot turned back to his controls, moved a few levers and dials, and we were off. The airship lurched forward sluggishly, but with the force of a charging elephant.

My team stumbled as we moved, and then we each quickly found an empty seat and plopped down in them for safety.

These seats may have been made of brimstone, but they were as comfy as could be. My body sank down into the cushion, and I felt like I was sitting on a fucking cloud.

A cold, leathery cloud.

I took in all the sights of the Eighth Circle through the window as we floated through the domain at what seemed like a snail’s pace. Each of the major stalagmites had a large factory at its top, while the smaller ones tended to house villages for the Shades and landing spots for the various balloons and blimps of Lilith’s kingdom.

Finally, I saw our destination. The Fifth Pillar.

This was the only large stalagmite that hadn’t been redeveloped. Instead, it still looked like something from Beelzebub’s reign, with its crumbling cliff sides, gaping cave system, and rickety bridges that connected it to the other stalagmites around it.

“I don’t mean to be rude, mistress,” Eligor spoke up, “but won’t they see us coming?”

“It won’t matter,” Lilith reassured us, “they already know we’re on our way. I did give them an official decree to vacate, after all. Oh, and I sent a bunch of my Shades after them yesterday, so it’s only natural they’d assume I would be coming for them next.”

“So, we don’t have the element of surprise, and these guys fight dirty,” I noted. “What could possibly go wrong?”

“Do I sense sarcasm?” the Demon Queen shot back sassily.

“Oh, no,” I chuckled, “I actually like these odds.”

“Good,” Lilith purred, “because their cave is dead ahead. Bastien, stop us here.”

“Right away, mistress,” the pilot called out before he pushed a few buttons and slowed our airship to a halt.

I stood up from my seat and instinctively reached for my sword. However, it wasn’t there.

“Fuck,” I muttered to myself.

That fucker Beelzebub had knocked the Unhallowed Sword out of my hand during our final confrontation, and my beloved weapon had been lost to the abyss of the Eighth Circle, never to be seen again.

Lilith apparently had her Shades searching for my prized possession, but so far, they hadn’t had any luck. The Demon Queen must have sensed my frustration, because I soon felt her delicate hand on the shoulder of my armor.

“I know how you feel,” she sighed, “I actually lost my original rapier during the confrontation against the Archangels. It was quite disheartening, but I eventually got over it. I can assure you, however, that my Shades are looking for your sword as hard as they can.”

“I believe it,” I reassured the redhead, and then I pulled the goat-headed dagger out of its sheath. “At least I still have ‘ol reliable here to get me through.”

It wasn’t a lie, my goat-headed dagger was one of the first weapons I’d ever used against a demon. The dagger and its symbol had become so intertwined with my followers that it was now my official sigil, worn by all my cultists and Shades alike.

I summoned red Hellfire into my hand, dragged it across the blade, and watched sternly as it glowed with the enchantment. The dagger’s blade grew out into the size and shape of a magical cutlass, and then I held it at the ready.

All around me, I heard the sound of Hellfire as my friends summoned their own weapons into their hands. Finally, I stepped over to the airship door, pulled it open with a heave, and summoned my wings.

Before I could say anything further, I saw a tiny blur of red zip past my position and heave itself out of the blimp.

“Yippie ki-yay, motherfucker!” Todd cackled as he plummeted downward, caught himself with black Hellfire, and then took off toward the Fifth Pillar.

I crouched down, readied myself, and then jumped. I felt myself careening toward the dark abyss below, and then I quickly tossed out my wings at an angle. I used my momentum to swoop downward like a hang-glider before I turned them upward and rocketed straight up into the sky.

The rest of my team were right behind me, and soon the area around the Fifth Pillar was surrounded by war-ready Demon Lords.

Lilith gracefully drew her rapier, pointed it at a hole in the side of the pillar, and then put on her best war face.

“There!” she announced. “The defiant demons!”

I followed her motion to the mouth of the cave, where I saw a series of tall, red-skinned demons. Each of them had dark black wings that curved downward at an angle so sharp they looked lethal. Their bug-eyes were so large I could see the whites all the way from back here, and they all were holding what appeared to be short xiphos swords in their hands.

Then, at the center of the group, stood a demon who was dual wielding two claymores. He stood about a foot taller than the rest of his peers, and atop his head sat a lopsided crown bedazzled with jewels.

“I’m guessing that’s Malacoda?” I asked the Demon Queen.

“Is that even a question, bro?” Todd snickered. “He’s the only one who doesn’t look like a faceless grunt. If RPGs have taught me anything, he can’t be anything but the leader.”

Malacoda crossed his swords above his head and then began to speak in a language I couldn’t understand. He must have been saying something inspirational, because the rest of the Malebrache responded with a resounding “harumph!”

Then they took to the sky.

“Unleash Heeeeeeelllllllll!” Todd exclaimed as he tossed out a few balls of black Hellfire at the incoming demons.

The enchanted flashbangs exploded in the air and sent the Malebrache flying backward as they held their eyes.

Now was our chance.

My teams shot forward to meet the disoriented demons, and we began to cut them down in rapid succession.

Gula’s axe lopped off the head of one of the Malebrache, while Cupi’s polearm and Eclipse’s naginata skewered the two demons right next to him. Eligor’s dual swords plunged into the heart of another demon at the same time Mirage’s gladius schlocked into his head.

Deja and Ira were both using their mid-range weapons to keep the Malebrache at bay as well. The Sister of Wrath tossed her flaming whip around one of the fucker’s necks and then unleashed a blast of acidic, turquoise Hellfire directly into his face. Deja was right beside Ira, and she used her black flames to guide her spear and chain through the crowd of red demons effortlessly.

Then there were Todd, Tris, Liby, and Inpulsa, who were more equipped to fight from a distance. The imp rode atop Libidine’s back, and he cackled wildly as he hurled red and black fireballs into the group of Malebrache while, at the same time, Liby tossed spears of yellow.

Tris and Inpulsa were even further away, and they picked off the lanky demons with their Tommy gun and yellow fire, respectively.

That just left Lilith and I.

As we came to the first demon, Lilith spun around in the air, kicked out her foot, and struck him square in the back of the neck. The Malebrache doubled over in pain, and I quickly ended his suffering by stabbing my goat-headed sword between his eyes as he came down. The demon’s body went limp and collapsed downward into the abyss below, and I moved on to my next opponent.

This time, I took the initiative. I summoned silver Hellfire into my hands, surrounded the metal ball on my belt, and launched it at the fucker as hard as I could.

The projectile shot across the sky with the speed of a cannonball and then struck the Malebrache square in the chest. There was a wet cracking sound as his sternum was crushed by the impact, and he spat up blood as he tried to recompose himself. However, Lilith’s rapier shot through the side of his neck, and all he could do was gurgle helplessly as the life drained from his body.

Lilith dodged out of the way of an incoming xiphos, summoned silver Hellfire into her hands, and then slammed it into the demon’s chest. There was a flash of metallic flame as the Demon Queen manipulated the life inside the fucker, and then his eyes went wide as he grabbed his chest like he was having a heart attack. As he gasped for air and fell away, Lilith spun around and stabbed her rapier into the eye socket of her next attacker.

Fuck, she was good.

Suddenly, I saw Invidia’s double-sided knife zip past my position like a boomerang. Then I heard a wet stabbing sound, and I turned just as a Malebrache fell out of the sky.

“I’ve got your back, Jacob,” Vidia chuckled as she flew past me, grabbed the knife, and blasted silver flames at another demon.

Just then, two more of the bastards were on me. They both lashed out at me with their weapons, but I was able to quickly parry one of them with a flash of purple flame while I blocked the other with my enchanted dagger. Without missing a beat, I turned the small purple barrier into a three-dimensional block, tossed it around the Malebrache’s head, and forced it to shrink. Then I flipped the other bastard’s sword out of his hand, summoned red fire into my open palm, and incinerated his face at point-blank range.

At the same time, I heard a loud scream of terror behind me, followed by a gnarly crunch, and then silence.

Then I heard Lilith let out a grunt of pain, and my heart fell into my stomach.

I spun around in the air to see the leader Malacoda had the Demon Queen’s strawberry locks in his hands, and he was pulling her by the hair as he flew down toward the darkness below.

The fuck he was.

I threw out a barrier of purple Hellfire horizontally, just in front of the demon’s trajectory.

He let out a gasp of surprise before he slammed into the wall at breakneck speed, and the impact caused him to release Lilith from his grasp.

The Demon Queen gracefully rolled across the purple floor, flipped upright, and held her rapier at the ready.

At the same time, Malacoda regained his composure, drew his claymores, and prepared to attack. Then the leader of the Malebrache charged Lilith, but she was more than ready.

Lilith ducked underneath the claymores as they swung above her head. Then she fell down to her knees, used her momentum to carry herself forward, and stabbed her weapon into Malacoda’s right knee.

The demon let out a scream of pain as he collapsed, but he caught himself with his own sword. He spun around to attack Lilith once more, but I sprang into action.

I deactivated my purple flames and watched as both Malacoda and Lilith fell. As they caught themselves on their wings, I sheathed my dagger, called my metal ball back to my hand, and transformed it into a warhammer. Then I wasted no time in swooping down, taking aim at my opponent, and slamming the head of the weapon directly into his stomach.

Blood flew from Malacoda’s mouth as he doubled over in pain and was tossed back into the side of the stalagmite. Before he could recover, I reached out, summoned bronze Hellfire around the side of the pillar, and shook the rocks violently.

Malacoda tried to fly back into the battle, but he was instead stuck by the large falling rocks that had been jarred loose by my spell. Then one of the smaller boulders shattered as it hit him in the back and sent him spiraling out of control.

Lilith and I both looked at each other, nodded, and flew down to kill this fucker.

The demon recovered just in time to evade our first strike. He sidestepped my hammer, caught Lilith’s rapier between his two blades, and then tossed it up into the air.

Malacoda spun around with his blades out like a makeshift buzzsaw, but Lilith and I were both swift enough to dodge the attack. He came at us again with a downward swipe, and I caught his sword with the hilt of my warhammer.

I twisted the weapon in my hand, knocked away Malacoda’s weapon, and then struck him in the chin with the short end of my hammer. As he was knocked backward, Lilith made a quick jab with her rapier, and Malacoda let out a roar of pain as the weapon stabbed him through his right shoulder.

But Lilith wasn’t done yet.

The Demon Queen reached out with her free hand, surrounded it with silver fire, and grabbed Malacoda’s arm. His wrist was caught in her enchanted touch, and he writhed in pain as his red skin began to turn black and then crumble off his bones.

That was definitely a new one.

Malacoda roared as he kicked Lilith in the stomach, elbowed her in the back of the head, and then brought his knee up into her face.

The Demon Queen let out a gasp of pain as she released her grip, and I jumped into action.

I struck Malacoda in the face with the top of my hammer and then watched as his teeth flew from his mouth with a spray of crimson. Before he could recover, I hauled back, aimed for his neck, and then swung as hard as I possibly could.

The demon held up his sword to parry my blow, but it was no use. Instead, the warhammer just pushed the deadly claymore back into Malacoda’s neck, and his eyes went wide as his own blade struck his carotid artery.

Luckily for him, he didn’t have to suffer long. Almost instantly after his blade hit, my warhammer caught him in the side of the head. Then Malacoda’s right eye flew out of its socket as the entire left side of his skull was crushed, and bits of brain and viscera flew through the sky.

The demon tried to recompose himself, but he was all but dead. Half of his head and been caved in like a fucking dropped watermelon, and his entire lower jaw was hanging by a thread. Malacoda’s tongue dangled out of his mouth helplessly as blood poured from the wound in his neck. He tried to take one final swipe at me, but he was so weak his claymore just hit air as it fell from his grasp.

Finally, the demon wobbled in the sky and plummeted straight down into the abyss below.

As much as I wanted to revel in my victory, I needed to make sure Lilith was alright.

I floated over to the Demon Queen, who wiped away the small trails of blood that oozed from her nose with the back of her hand.

“That fucking bastard,” Lilith growled as she leaned her head back. “I was prepared for them to fight dirty, but holy shit.”

“Yeah,” I chuckled as I tried to console the Queen of the Eighth Circle, “but at least he’s not your problem anymore.”

“The others still are,” Lilith grumbled and pointed at the battle above us. “We’re not out of this yet.”

“I think the rest of the crew’s got it under control,” I mused as I watched Superbia mangle one of the Malebrache with her black spell.

The Sister of Pride watched with determination as the life drained from his body, and then she tossed him off to the side like he was a ragdoll.

Then I flew up so I was level with the rest of the battle, spun around, and unleashed a blast of yellow shuriken into the nearest Malebrache.

His body was riddled with the deadly disks, and I finished him off with a strike from my warhammer.

“They’re retreating!” Libidine gasped. “We did it!”

Sure enough, the dozen or so remaining Malebrache now fled down toward the darkness below.

“Oh, no, you don’t,” Inpulsa chuckled as she looked over at Gula. “Sister, give me a boost!”

Gula blasted a spell of brown Hellfire around Inpulsa, and the yellow-haired succubus summoned her black flames into her hand.

Then Inpulsa clapped her hands together as a giant beam of yellow and black Hellfire blasted out toward the Malebrache below. At first it looked like the attack was going to miss its target completely, but I knew better.

Inpulsa was cold and calculating. She knew exactly what she was doing.

As the beam of fire passed through the crowd, tendrils of yellow flames shot off in all directions and lit up the fleeing demons like fireworks on the Fourth of July. The Malebrache shrieked as their bodies were fried to a burnt crisp, and then they all dropped like flies.

Inpulsa released her spell, brushed her hands together casually, and then smiled.

“How about that?” she mused. “Perfect strike.”

“Why didn’t you just do that from the start, Pikachu?” Todd questioned with a huff. “You totally could have saved us a buncha time and effort.”

“Now, now,” Superbia chuckled as she walked to the edge of the stalagmite, “Sister Inpulsa shouldn’t get to have all the fun. The rest of the girls wanted in on the action, as well.”

“I mean, I totally would have been okay with her wiping them all out at the beginning.” Tris shrugged. “I’ve gotten more exercise today than I think I’ve had in months.”

“We literally were in a giant battle a few weeks ago, Sister,” Gula reminded her with an eye roll.

“Was that really a few weeks ago?” Tris said as she stared off into space sluggishly. “That new strain Todd and I are working on really fucks with my brain when it comes to awareness of time.”

“That’s why I called it the ‘Clockstopper,’” Todd announced as he puffed out his chest, “in honor of Clockblocker over there, of course.”

“I’m honored,” Deja giggled. “Really, I am. Having a strain of weed named after me is like, one of the greatest honors a Cali Girl could ever ask for.”

“Mistress!” Eligor gasped when she saw Lilith. “You’re hurt!”

“I will be fine, Eligor,” the Demon Queen assured the knight. “It’s just a broken nose. Nothing Superbia can’t fix.”

“Awwww,” Ira sighed and hung her head, “I wanted to get my nose broken … ”

“Here,” Sia called out as she summoned golden Hellfire into her hands, “let me help with that.”

The madame took aim at Lilith, blasted her with the soft golden flames of healing, and then we all watched in awe as the blood on the Demon Queen’s nose dried up, flaked off, and completely disappeared. At the same time, the crook in her nose straightened itself up and then popped itself back into place.

Lilith reached up, felt her nose, and let out a sigh of relief.

“I’m glad I have you around, Sia,” she admitted, “my nose has always been one of my best features.”

“Don’t mention it,” the petite redhead replied. “Just keep that in mind when you’re dividing up the treasures in the hoard.”

“That’s not for me to decide,” Lilith shrugged, “I have no use for these sorts of material riches. I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes, and I’ve got everything I could ever want. That’s why I’m giving it all to you, Jacob. You can divvy your prize up as you see fit.”

“Thanks,” I joked, “but let’s check out this hoard first. For all I know, it could all be just a giant-ass pile of Dave and Buster’s tokens in that cave.”

“You joke, bro,” Todd giggled, “but that would be dooooope.”

I fluttered around the stalagmite until I came to the mouth of the Malebrache cave. The entire place reeked of guano and sulfur, and I almost hesitated to light my red Hellfire out of fear for what I’d find inside. However, I cast my crimson flames around my left hand, held it up like a torch, and made my way into the cavern.

The Malebrache dwelling was surprisingly small, and it only took me a minute or two before I saw the glint of shiny metal pressed up against the back wall of the cave. As I got closer, it became clearer what I was looking at.

Gold. Lots and lots of fucking gold, interspersed with precious gemstones and the occasional rare trinket that had been snuck in from Earth Realm.

“Bro, I’m about to do something I’ve always wanted to do … ” Todd announced as he ran up to me.

Without warning, the tiny imp scurried past me, somersaulted up into the air, and put his hands together over his head like he was diving into a pool. The imp’s body slammed into the pile of gold hard, and I heard a loud pop as he ricocheted off, bounced down the pile, and then crumpled to the ground in front of me.

“You alright, bro?” I asked as I tried to stifle a laugh.

“Scrooge McDuck makes it look so easy,” he sighed as he pulled himself back up to his feet, held out his right hand in front of his body, and watched as it went limp. “Uh, Strawberry Shortcake? I believe the Toddster needs some assistance … ”

The rest of the team were already approaching my position, and they all seemed to marvel at the pile of rarities in front of us.

“Is that a handheld butter churner?” Gula gasped as she inspected the hoard.

“And even better,” Deja grinned, “it’s right next to a Hermes Birkin bag!”

“Everybody dig in,” I chuckled and motioned to the hoard, “I’ll bet there’s at least something in there that we all can enjoy.”

The succubi charged over to the pile and began rummaging through its contents. Superbia stayed behind for a moment to heal Todd, and then the two of them joined the fray. Meanwhile, Lilith, Eligor, and I watched with amusement.

“It’s like a demonic flea market,” I joked.

“I told you the Malebrache kept all sorts of valuables down here,” the Demon Queen laughed.

“Mostly contraband,” Eligor added, “since Beelzebub strongly forbade anyone from having earthly possessions down here. But obviously, some things must have slipped through the cracks.”

“Aha!” Todd announced as he held up the image of Marilyn Monroe above his head. “You were totally right, Scully. It’s the first issue of Playboy ever published! I know what I’m gonna do tonight … ”

“It’s a rare issue, Todd,” I laughed, “you probably don’t want to actually use it for, well, it’s intended purpose.”

The imp looked at me with horror in his eyes.

“No way, bro,” he shook his head, “I’d never soil a piece of history like this with my baby gravy. I was totally gonna read the articles. And not in a ‘I say I read the articles, but I’m really just gonna beat it to the pictures’ sort of way. There’s some actual good shit in here.”

The rest of the succubi all found something special in the pile, too. Liby found a beautiful green necklace, while Invidia discovered a rare vinyl of a Green Day album, and Cupi found a set of rare Civil War era knives. Even Inpulsa, the member of the group who was hardest to please, was over the moon when she discovered a pair of leather gauntlets.

“Jacob!” I heard Eclipse gasp from the other side of the pile. “Come here! You’re definitely gonna want to see this.”

I followed the succubus’ voice over to the other side of the hoard, where she was standing with a long, white object in her hand.

It was a sword.

Eclipse handed the weapon over to me, and I couldn’t help but marvel at its beauty as I studied its form. It appeared to be made out of metal, but it wasn’t bronze or silver or even black like the Unhallowed Sword had been. Instead, it was pure white. The hilt was a typical “T” shape, with a bright blue sapphire encrusted into each of the ends and intricate, wavy lines running up the handle.

The blade itself was your standard double-edged longsword, but the outer edges were engraved with writing I instantly recognized from the Book of Bezaleel’s third section.

Deorish. The language of deities.

“I can’t believe what I’m seeing,” Lilith gulped when she saw what was now in my hand. “I thought that weapon had been lost for all eternity.”

“What is it?” I questioned. “Some sort of ancient demonic weapon or something like that?”

“Not quite,” Eligor interjected. “That’s the Sword of Saints, Jacob.”

“The weapon the Archangel Malach used against Lucifer in the first war … ” Lilith trailed off. “We thought it was gone forever.”

“Uh, is this Malach guy gonna want it back?” I chuckled. “It’s a pretty badass sword. I’d be pissed if I lost it.”

“Jacob … ” the Demon Queen continued with a frown, “Malach was slain in battle at the hand of your father. I don’t think he’s going to be coming back for it any time soon.”

“Wait,” Todd spoke up, “I thought Raphey said nobody’s ever killed an Archangel before? That’s why it was such a big deal when Jakey and him offed Urethral.”

“Pure propaganda,” Lilith spat, “Lucifer killed plenty of Archangels during his rebellion, but that’s not something the Divine are going to openly talk about. Especially with the Nephilim who is the son of Lucifer.”

“Fair enough,” I admitted as I weighed the sword in my hands. “So, is this thing some sort of special metal? Does it have any powers?”

The Sword of Saints was nearly half the weight of the Unhallowed Sword, which would allow me to perform some much more intricate swordplay. It was also a tad smaller, which meant I could be more acrobatic with my blows rather than focusing all on brute force.

This was a fucking great find. As much as I missed the Unhallowed Sword, this thing was going to make a fine replacement.

“Remember how you could enchant your last sword with red Hellfire?” Eligor asked, and I nodded. “Well, this one does the same thing, only with Divine Light. It’ll make the weapon ten times more powerful. Not to mention, the material makes it much more durable and lightweight than your last one.”

I looked over the weapon one last time before I sheathed it in the spot where the Unhallowed Sword used to hang. Then I turned back and watched as my Demon Lords rifled through the horde of treasures.

Life was already looking up for me and my friends, but it just got a whole lot fucking better. Now, I had the weapon that was used against my father himself.

Now, I had a weapon that could hurt Lucifer.

And I fully intended to use it when the time was right.

Chapter 3

After claiming our prizes from the Fifth Pillar, the team made the long journey back to the Fourth Circle. We’d done it so many times by this point that it was practically an auto-pilot experience, and we arrived back at the black brimstone castle in no time at all. Then we went our separate ways, rested up for the night, and awoke the next morning completely refreshed and ready to take on whatever the day threw at us.

It was a big day today, too, the third Friday of the month. That was when Azazel used to hold his deadly “jousts” where Shades would try and mangle each other for the gruesome entertainment of their masters.

Unfortunately, the rules of Hell didn’t allow us to get rid of the jousts completely, but we made the best of it.

Now, instead of a fight to the death tournament, Todd had reformatted these events to be WWE “Royal Rumble” style extravaganzas.

I’d missed so many of these things thanks to the ongoing war with the Unholy Trio, but on this day, things would be different.

Today, I was going to watch Todd’s masterpiece unfold.

As I sauntered up to the coliseum, with a cup of coffee in hand, I ran into the group of Deja, Cupi, Libidine, Ariel, and Mirage.

“Well, good morning, King Ralston.” Mirage perked up when she saw me approaching. “I’m surprised you came out today.”

“Good morning.” I smirked. “Just you four?”

“The others didn’t seem interested.” Cupiditas shrugged. “Tristitia wanted to sleep, Gula and Superbia had, and I quote, ‘better things to do,’ Invidia is… well… Invidia, and I couldn’t get a hold of the rest of our Demon Lords.”

“I don’t know how they could have better things to do,” Liby huffed and seemed offended, “I’ve never missed one of Todd’s Royal Rumbles. They’re such a hoot!”

“That’s why I came out here today,” Mirage noted, “I wanted to see what all the hype was about.”

“Me too!” Deja exclaimed. “Besides, I thrive in these big-crowd coliseum type shows.”

“Of course you do,” I chuckled.

“Cupi and I wanted to participate,” Ariel frowned, “but Todd said it was for Shades only. Something about how it wouldn’t be fair if we fought against them.”

“He’s got a point,” I nodded, “I think you two could single-handedly take out the whole Shade population of this Circle.”

“That wouldn’t be good enough,” Cupi purred, “once all the Shades had fallen, we’d have to turn on each other to see who was the best.”

“We both know who that’d be,” Ariel chuckled as she slapped Cupi on the shoulder.

“Me?” The Sister of Greed stuck out her tongue.

Suddenly, I got flashbacks to the somewhat catty rivalry between Cupi and Eligor. Then my heart hammered in my chest excitedly when I thought about how I’d solved that rivalry …

“Earth to Jacob,” Deja’s high-pitched voice cut through my daydream. “You still with us?”

“What? Oh, yeah,” I muttered as I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly. “It’s still pretty early, that’s all.”

“So, that’s morning wood I’m looking at right now?” Cupiditas giggled as she motioned down to my semi-erect dick.

My face flushed a bit, but then I figured I should just own up to it. So, I placed my hands on my hips and then thrust my hips forward proudly.

“Damn right it is,” I announced. “Maybe one of you girls can deal with it when the show’s over?”

“Or maybe all of us.” Mirage winked, and my semi-erection quickly turned into a full one.

“Easy, Sister,” Libidine shook her head, “Jacob won’t be able to walk once that thing gets to full mast.”

“Just think about baseball,” Ariel giggled.

“Once I’m in there, watching sweaty shirtless dudes fake beating the crap out of each other, I think I’ll be just fine,” I reassured her.

The six of us walked into the coliseum, where we were promptly met by the Shade General, Daniel.

“Good morning, King Ralston,” he smiled, “and good morning, Demon Lords. You may all follow me to the luxury suite.”

“This thing has a luxury suite?” I whispered.

“Don’t you remember?” Liby shot back. “That’s where Azazel sat when he watched us fight against Malphas. It was pretty nice, from what I remember. Even though I only got to see it in short spurts, when we weren’t trying to get hit by the demon’s attacks.”

“This joust will be a very special event, my King,” Daniel explained as he led us down the corridor. “We have a guest referee.”

We continued to follow the Shade until we arrived at a staircase guarded by two men who were clad in the makeshift armor that characterized my soldiers. They gave us a hearty nod of recognition as we passed by and then started up the stone stairs, and before long we arrived in the luxury suite.

It didn’t look much different than when Azazel had sat here. It was still designed to look like a cross between a theatre balcony and a Roman Emperor’s podium, and it still had an oversized seat carved out of black brimstone smack-dab in the middle. The only new additions were the dozen smaller chairs right next to the main chair.

“I’m assuming that’s where I’m supposed to sit?” I motioned to the large chair.

Daniel waved his hands and then patted the stony seat as if he were beckoning me to take my rightful place on the faux throne.

Not wanting to be a spoil-sport, I obliged.

The chair was just about as comfortable as I’d expected a chair made out of sulfur-infused brimstone to feel, but that didn’t matter. It was the sightlines that counted, and this one had a fucking amazing one.

The entire coliseum stretched out before me, and I could see thousands of Shades packed into the levels and levels of bleachers in a sea of excited spectators. Down at the center of the sandy circle sat a regulation-sized wrestling ring, surrounded by announcer tables and hardcore fans who bore tacky, handwritten signs.

“I feel like a princess,” Libidine joked as she sat down in the chair to my left.

“You mean a queen,” Deja corrected as she plopped down on my right. “If you’re the royal concubine, you’d be closer to a queen.”

“Please.” I rolled my eyes. “None of you are ‘concubines.’ That title went away when I freed you from your shitty former masters.”

The rest of the girls sat down around us, and then Daniel took his seat at the far end of the balcony.

Just then, a tiny figure sauntered out into the center of the ring while holding a microphone. He was about three feet tall with red skin, stubby horns, cloven feet, and a referee shirt that looked like it was made out of duct tape.

It was Todd.

“Goooooooood morning, ladies and gentlemen!” the imp announced in a deep, southern drawl. “I got one question, and one question only … Who’s ready to ruuuuuummmmmmbbbbblllllleeeeeee?”

The crowd erupted into cheers, and the imp began prancing around the stage and waving his arms up and down to hype up his audience. Finally, he made a “stop” motion with his right arm, and the entire coliseum went silent.

“How have I missed these?” I guffawed. “This is amazing.”

“Todaaaay, we’re gonna answer a question that’s as old as time itself,” Todd continued, “for there can be only one. The very best, like no one ever was. The best around, that nothin’s ever gonna keep down. Yes, lads and lasses, today we’re going to find out who will be … The Kiiiiiiiiiingggggg of the Ring!”

The crowd roared as they jumped to their feet.

“He’s really good at this,” Cupi noted.

“That’s what years of watching pro wrestling religiously does to a guy,” I noted.

“And now, let’s meet our participants,” the imp boomed. “Hailing all the way from the Screaming Plains, it’s Night Shaaaaaaaade!”

The imp pulled the microphone in close and attempted to make walk-out music with his mouth. As he did so, the Shade wrestler known as “Night Shade” entered the coliseum, waved to the crowd, and strutted out onto the stage.

Todd repeated similar speeches with the other wrestlers, all of whom had a name that was a pun involving the word “Shade.” When all was said and done, there were twenty contestants in the center of the ring, and each one was raring to go.

Finally, Todd surrounded himself in black Hellfire, floated up into the sky, and then launched a red fireball at the bell on the announcer’s table. The projectile struck the bell, and the wrestlers sprang into action.

The succubi and I watched in amusement as the Shades began to fight each other using the most over-choreographed punches and kicks I’d ever seen. Not long after the fight began, the first contestant was tossed from the ring and kicked out of the match. One by one the contestants threw each other over the ropes until there were only two wrestlers remaining, “Shady Sean” and “Shadeless.”

The two men grappled with each other for a bit before they began wailing with their fists. Finally, when it looked like Shadeless was going to toss Shady Sean out of the ring, Todd intervened.

The imp-ref swooped down, clotheslined Shadeless, and then gave him the double middle finger as the crowd booed.

“That’s right, bitch!” Todd cackled. “I’m on team Shady. Just call me ‘Slim.’”

“Oh yeah?” Shadeless said in a monotone voice. “Well, I’ve got the whole ‘Less’ Best’ here to back me up!”

As the words left his mouth, a crew of similarly dressed wrestlers stomped out of the nearby tunnel, marched up to the stage, and climbed into the ring.

As they did so, Todd’s eyes looked like they were about to bug out of his head, and the imp looked around frantically.

“Damn, he really does know how to put on a wrestling match,” I chuckled, “he’s even got it all the way down to the awful acting.”

When I turned to speak to Deja, I noticed her eyes weren’t on the ring whatsoever. Instead, she was staring longingly at my face with her lips stretched up into an oversized grin. When our eyes finally locked, the tan succubus gasped and looked away.

“Sorry,” she muttered, “I know I should totally be watching the show.”

“It’s alright,” I reassured her with a whisper, “I like the attention.”

“I just … can’t stop thinking about what I saw earlier,” she purred into my ear, and then the succubus’ slender hand rested on my knee. “Especially what you said about ‘fixing it.’”

Slowly and inconspicuously, Deja ran her fingers up my leg until she reached my crotch. The second her delicate hand touched my manhood, it sprang to attention, and she then quickly took it in her hand.

“There’s a lot of people around,” I whispered to the valley girl. “I don’t think they all want to get a show.”

“Then meet me downstairs, in the locker room,” she purred. “I’ll go first, and then you can come down in five.”

My heart was beating rapidly in my chest as I watched Deja stand up and begin to head toward the stairs.

“Where are you going, Sister?” Libidine questioned.

“Oh, I just wanted to stretch my legs,” Deja lied, “maybe go grab some Twizzlers and a soda or something while I’m out and about … ”

Deja then turned around and nearly sprinted down the staircase.

I sat there for another few minutes and pretended to watch Todd and “Shady Sean” fight the new evil wrestling super team. However, my mind was anywhere but here. It was in the locker room with Deja, where I was sure she was already preparing for whatever fun times she had in store for me.

Finally, when I thought enough time had passed, I stood up and stretched.

“I’m gonna hit the restroom,” I announced.

“There’s a chamber pot right up here, King Ralston,” Daniel protested, but I just stuck out my hands and shook my head.

“I appreciate it, Daniel,” I explained, “but this is kinda one that requires running water, if you get my drift.”

“Say no more.” The Shade grimaced as he held up his hand.

“Say hi to Deja for us,” I heard Libidine whisper as I left, but I wasn’t even going to acknowledge her comment with a response.

I’d done this sort of thing with each of my succubi before, where I’d tell everyone I was leaving and then sneak away to share in our passion. Most of them probably knew exactly what I was going to do, but I found it best to at least keep up the charade, at least for Daniel’s sake.

I descended the staircase, passed the two guard Shades, and then wandered down one of the back corridors of the coliseum. I’d never been to the locker room of this one in particular, but I knew they were usually nestled all the way in the back, through a series of winding hallways.

You didn’t want your audience to see your performers before they were ready, after all.

I made my way through the stretches of dark brimstone hallways until I finally came to a large, wooden door with a sign that identified its purpose.

For Royal Rumble Participants Only! All violators will be locked in a room for three hours and forced to listen to John Cena’s theme song on repeat.

Definitely Todd’s doing.

As I pushed the door of the locker room open, I caught the sweet smell of lilacs delivered through a warm, moist steam. Off in the distance I heard the distinct sound of the locker room shower, and my anticipation began to rise.

I followed the lovely scent and sound through the large space, past the wall-mounted armory and stone lockers and the individual stalls. Then, when I turned around the corner of the shower entryway, I nearly fell back onto my ass.

There, underneath the waterfall, was Deja. She was completely naked as she ran her fingers through her slick brown locks and arched her back so her small, perky breasts looked three times bigger than they normally were. The water ran down her pert chest and toned stomach, and the liquid made her skin glisten like the hood of a freshly-painted sports car.

And, much like those cars, I wanted nothing more than to take her for a ride.

As I stepped forward, the succubus held out her hand.

“Uh-uh,” she teased, “no clothes in the shower. Haven’t you ever been to a gym before?”

“I can honestly say I haven’t,” I admitted through what I was sure was a goofy grin. “I wasn’t exactly the type of guy who played sports in high school, and before all this demonic stuff, I couldn’t afford a gym membership even if I tried. This is all foreign territory to me.”

“Is it, now?” Deja cooed. “Then I guess I’ll just have to give you something you’re a bit more … familiar with.”

The brunette turned her body toward me and then began to run her hands up and down her thin, toned figure. My eyes followed her motions, from the large, erect nipples on her chest to her hourglass waist all the way down to her tight, shaved mound.

Once she was done, Deja raised her finger and waggled it for me to follow.

I didn’t have to be asked twice.

My dick was already at full mast in my pants as it screamed to be released, and I quickly obliged. I yanked off my belt, pulled my pants down to my ankles, and then kicked them out into the locker room. My shirt came off next, followed by my heavy leather boots.

All the while, Deja stared at me with hunger in her eyes.

“There,” I announced as I tossed my arms to the side and let her take in my body. “May I come in now?”

“Oh, you’ll be ‘coming in’ alright,” the tan succubus insisted as she made her way over to me.

Before I could spout off another word, Deja’s naked body was pressed against mine, and her hand was wrapped firmly around my erection. Then the succubus used her already-wet hand to stroke me gently as she sucked tenderly on my neck and let out a few soft moans.

At the same time, I allowed my hands to explore her perfect body. I slapped her firm ass with my hand and then gave it a tight squeeze as it jiggled in my grasp.

Deja let out a gasp of surprise, followed by a primal growl of determination. Her hand began to tug furiously at my manhood, and I felt myself get even harder.

The beautiful, wet brunette looked up at me with her purple eyes, grabbed a handful of my hair, and then pushed her lips against mine. I let out a dull groan of satisfaction as our tongues explored each other’s mouths, and she pleasured me with her short, hard strokes.

Each of her motions drew me closer and closer to the edge, and I was in shock. I hadn’t had any sort of stimulation like this since, well … ever. She may have only been using her hand, but it was sending sensations through my body as if she were riding me raw.

Deja moved forward, and the next thing I knew I had my back pressed against the cold stone of the shower wall. She continued to stroke me intensely as we made out, and I ran my hands all along her tender body. Then Deja’s second hand went down to rub my balls, and they tightened instantly.

“Ohhh, you like that?” Deja asked as she pulled away.

Before I could answer, the succubus increased her tempo with both her hands and smiled at me devilishly.

My entire body began to quiver with pleasure, and I had to lean back harder against the wall to keep myself from falling. Slowly, I tensed up along with the tight coil in my abdomen, and then I felt myself reaching the mountain top.

“I think I’m about to--” I began, but it was too late.

Deja watched excitedly as I unloaded a geyser of my seed onto the floor of the shower with the force of a firehose. The succubus bit her lip as she continued to stroke it out, and she only stopped when she saw every last drop was gone.

“I would have figured you’d want that somewhere else,” I panted.

“I do.” Deja grinned, and then she wiggled down onto her knees. “I also know there’s a lot more where that came from.”

She was right. Now that I saw the sexy, tan brunette down on her knees, practically worshiping my cock, the blood began to rush back into my nether-regions.

Much to Deja’s delight, I was back to full mast in seconds, and she didn’t say a word as her tongue stuck out of her mouth and slowly ran up the side of my erection.

I moaned deeply as she licked me, and my knees began to weaken once more.

The succubus ran her wet tongue up and down each side of my cock, around each side of my balls, and then all the way back up to the tip. After about three or four of these motions, she placed one of her hands against my ass, put the head of my dick to her lips, and then pushed herself down on me as deep in her throat as she could go. Deja’s eyes stayed fixed on mine the entire time she pleasured me, but she couldn’t resist reaching up and rubbing my abs as she moved.

I ran my hands tenderly through her chocolate locks as she bobbed and let out a few muffled moans, but I wasn’t about to let her have all the fun. I took a handful of her hair, pulled back, and then began to thrust into her mouth rhythmically.

We both moaned intensely as my cock hit the back of her throat, and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to keep this up much longer. I thrusted into her mouth a dozen more times before a knee-buckling sensation overcame my body, and I gripped the back of her head like she was a life preserver on a crashing plane.

She let out a gasp as my seed filled her mouth, and then her eyes rolled back in her head as she took it all in. Finally, once I was drained, I let her go, and she slid off my erection.

“Yummy,” she smiled as she licked her lips and stared at my cock, “but what exactly was in it for me?”

“Excuse me?” I jested. “I think you were enjoying that just as much as I was.”

“You get off twice, and I don’t get off at all?” she giggled as she stood back up. “I’m not sure that’s a fair deal.”

“Luckily for you, I’m not done.” I grinned and took a step toward her.

I wrapped my hands around Deja’s tight ass, lifted her up into the air, and moved us so we were back under the water. Then I summoned a barrier of purple flames about at my hip level, sat her down, and moved my returning erection toward the lovely slit between her legs.

“H-How are you still so haaaard?” she moaned as my cock entered her.

Deja bit her bottom lip as she tried to keep her composure, but it was no use. The second my dick bottomed out inside of her, the tan succubus became jelly in my arms.

“You like that?” I pumped myself in and out of her warm, wet tunnel as a symphony of pleasure rang out from her mouth. I watched as her pert, water-covered breasts bounced in unison with my motions, and then I bent down and made sure to suck on each nipple one-by-one. They both got harder in response, which only made me tweak them gently with my teeth.

“Yesssss! Oh, yesss!” The succubus’ moans started to become more of a series of whimpers, and I knew she was on the verge of ecstasy.

So, I picked her up off the platform, held her as tightly against my body as I could, and thrusted into her pussy sensually as the water rained down on us. Within minutes, her fingernails made a death grip against my back, and she pulled her head back as her whole body tensed up.

“J-Jacob!” she gasped. “Oohhhhhhhhh!”

Deja’s orgasmic moan echoed off the walls of the shower, and for a second, I wondered if the entire coliseum could hear us. When I felt the sensation of her lips quivering around my cock, though, I suddenly didn’t care.

I just pulled Deja all the way down onto me and then unleashed my warm seed inside of her.

Her purple eyes stared at me intensely as I filled her up, and then she collapsed against my shoulder.

“That … That was incredible,” she whispered. “You were incredible.”

“You weren’t too bad yourself,” I shot back as I gave her a peck on the shoulder. “Seriously, I’m not sure if I’ll even be able to walk out of here under my own power.”

“I highly doubt that,” the succubus scoffed as I set her back on the ground. “You seemed pretty damn strong at the end there.”

“Are there any towels around here?” I chuckled as I headed for the exit.

“Jacob,” Deja grinned as she raised an eyebrow, “remember where you are right now.”

“Oh, right,” I snickered, and then I summoned red Hellfire into my hand.

I moved the glowing, intense flames slowly around my body, and the liquid evaporated off in no time whatsoever. Finally, once I was good and dry, I yanked my pants back up onto my waist, tossed on my shirt, and then slid my feet back into my boots.

“Leaving so soon?” Deja purred as she turned off the water and called her own Hellfire into her hands.

“I told everybody I was going to the bathroom,” I explained, “they’re gonna think I’m getting sick or something with how long I’ve been gone.”

“No, they won’t,” Deja winked as she dried off her body, “you’ve only been gone for five minutes.”

“Five minutes? I certainly lasted longer than five minutes, thank you very much.”

“No, no,” the tan succubus chuckled, “I’m using my time manipulation powers right now. Even though we’ve been at it for almost, like, an hour, anyone outside this bubble of the shower will think it was five minutes.”

“You get more and more impressive by the minute, Deja.” I grinned.

The succubus finished drying herself off before she strutted out of the shower, walked over to a nearby bench, and bent over to pick up her clothes.

Her tan lined ass jutted up into the air for a second, and I briefly considered going in for round four.

But we were out of the time bubble now, and we needed to get back to the coliseum.

Deja got dressed in a hurry, and then we walked arm-in-arm out of the locker room. We followed the winding corridors back to the hidden staircase, greeted the guards as we passed by, and then returned to our seats.

“Did we miss anything important?” I asked as we entered the balcony.

“Quite a lot, actually,” Cupi admitted. “Todd and Shady Sean looked like they were about to win, but then another wrestler rappelled down from the ceiling and knocked all of them out of the ring.”

“All in the five minutes I was gone?” I gasped.

“It happened very quickly,” the blonde succubus shrugged, “but I figured you two were both doing much better things.”

Deja and I looked at each other coyly, and then we returned to our seats.

As I sat down, I saw Todd in the center of the ring. His referee shirt was drenched in fake blood, and his body was covered with black Hellfire as he floated in midair. He had the newcomer’s hand raised high in victory, and the title belt was slung over his shoulder.

All of us in the balcony stood up and gave the victor a standing ovation while he pranced around the ring and beat his chest.

“Best upgrade ever,” I laughed, “this is ten times more fun than watching Malphas kill those poor Shades.”

We continued to clap as the winner continued to showboat, until a finger suddenly tapped gently against my shoulder. Then I turned around to see one of the guards from downstairs with a concerned look on his face.

“King Ralston,” he explained, “I have an urgent message for you.”

“Can’t it wait until after the show’s over?” I asked curiously, but he responded with a deep frown.

“It’s from your acquaintance on Earth Realm,” he explained. “Oliver, I believe. He wanted me to tell you to visit him immediately because things are, and I quote, ‘getting quite strange Earthside.’”

I gave the Shade a somber nod, and then I briefly turned back to the show.

I had no idea what Oliver wanted, but if he was calling me on such short notice, it couldn’t be good.

Looks like my vacation was ending sooner than I had hoped.

Chapter 4

“And that’s when he cut me with the fucking razor-blades in his hand, bro,” Todd exaggerated as we prepared for our journey to Earth, “but that wasn’t even the worst part. Then that Shady motherfucker tried to gouge out my eye. My fucking eye, bro! Thankfully, I got him down on the mat, counted to three, and then declared myself the King of the Ring.”

“I thought the new guy won?” I questioned as I strapped my dark Caliginian breastplate to my chest. “The one who came down on the zipline? We were there, bro.”

Todd just crossed his arms and shook his head furiously.

“Nah, Jakey,” he explained, “me doth think your eyes deceived you. I was in pretty bad shape. Like, Rocky Balboa at the end of the first movie shape. Strawberry Shortcake had to heal me and everything, so you can totally ask her.”

“Ask me what?” Superbia’s angelic voice spoke up as she entered my room.

“Uhhhhhh,” Todd trailed off, “about how excited you all are to see Ollie and Jane again? It’s been forever. Like, at least three adventures. Fuck, it’s been so long I don’t even remember the nicknames I gave ‘em.”

“You didn’t give them any,” Superbia reminded the imp, “at least, none you’ve used consistently.”

“Well, that needs to change,” Todd pondered as he rubbed his goatee. “Ollie totally looks like Emperor Palpatine. Maybe something Star Wars related? Nah, that’d be too easy. And Jane looks like that smokeshow from True Detective, ya know the one I’m talking about, right?”

“Never seen it,” I admitted with a shrug.

Todd’s mouth opened wide as he covered it with his hand, and his eyes bugged out in horror.

“I see you’ve still got a lot of culturing to do, Jakey,” Todd sighed. “I need to get on that.”

“I’ll add it to my list,” I lied as I turned to the petite madame of the group. “Is everybody ready to go?”

“I believe so,” Sia nodded, “our newcomers are quite excited. Aside from Mirage, I don’t believe any of them have seen your mansion back on Earth.”

“It’s not that big of a deal,” I chuckled as I finished lacing up my boots, “it’s really fucking nice, but it’s nothing compared to all the cool shit I’ve got down here.”

“Yes, but remember where they come from,” Sia reminded me. “These girls may have slipped off to Earth Realm every now and again, but for the most part, all they’ve ever known is Hell. And as ‘cool’ as it may be, it gets kind of monotonous after a few millennia.”

“I get it,” I agreed sarcastically, “I’ll make sure the cultists treat them to a true, luxury spa experience.”

“That’s the spirit, Jakey!” Todd clapped his hands together. “And while we’re at it, do you know if any of the chicks in your cult are mamouses? Speaking of ‘monotonous,’ the Toddster needs to change up his method of release, if ya get my drift.”

“First off, it’s ‘masseuses,’” I explained.

“That’s what I said,” Todd protested, “Marty Mooses.”

“That’s a fictional mascot!” I sighed as I threw out my hands in frustration. “Mas-seu-ses.”

“Dr. Seusses, got it.” Todd winked. “Anywho, if you find any of ‘em, ask if they’d like to do a little ‘hop on pop’ with a well-endowed imp.”

“Sure thing,” I lied and rolled my eyes.

Then Sia, Todd, and I walked out into the main living area of the castle, where the rest of the succubi were anxiously awaiting our arrival.

I had no idea what sort of shit was going down on Earth, so I figured it’d be best to take all twelve of my Demon Lords along for this mission. Best case scenario, it was something as simple as a few rogue cultists we could cut down easily. Worst case scenario …

Well, since I knew my father was now out for blood, I didn’t even want to think of the worst-case scenario.

“Is everybody ready?” I called out to the crew.

They all responded with a resounding “yeah,” so I summoned green Hellfire into my hands and then commanded it to engulf all of our bodies.

As I tried to focus my telekinetic spell, I thought about the entire situation at hand. We’d been living large for the last few weeks as we celebrated our ultimate victory over our greatest enemy yet, but now, thanks to some Earthside bastards or some other Demon fuck, we had to go off and risk our lives on a mission that would probably be little more than a side quest.

I was looking for a reason to be disgusted, and it came to me very easily.

Soon, I felt my body floating through time and space as I pictured the familiar, black-and-white tiled floor of my mansion. I pictured the building’s large, rounded thresholds and the beautiful chandeliers Libidine had installed on the ceilings … the garage where my trusty Jeep Wrangler and Maserati GT sat, just waiting to be driven again …

Then my armored feet clacked against the tile floor, and I opened my eyes.

All thirteen of us were now standing in the entryway of my mansion.

“This is yours?” Deja gasped as she looked around. “This is fucking wicked.”

“I’m not sure what’s so wicked about it,” Inpulsa admitted, “I feel poor just standing here, and I don’t even use money!”

“I wonder how your security systems are … ” Eclipse mused. “These fancy houses always have the ‘best of the best,’ but in reality, they’re about as easy to hack as possible.”

“Uh, please don’t hack into our systems, Lizbeth,” Todd warned. “There’s stuff on that computer upstairs that should never see the light of day. Eeeeevvveeeer.”

Just then, two familiar, smiling faces entered through the living room. They were both wearing similar navy blue robes, tied up at the waist with a brown leather belt that bore a goat-headed dagger.

One person was an elderly man, with a face as leathery as the belt around his body and thin white hair that sat like a bird’s nest atop his head. His dark, sunken, beady eyes lit up with recognition, though, and he grinned at me happily.

The other figure had bright blue eyes, luscious lips, and brown hair tied back into a ponytail behind her head. Even through her baggy robe, I could see the hourglass figure hidden underneath, dotted by thick curves.

Oliver and Jane, the leaders of the Cult of Ralston.

“It is so good to see you again, my friends!” Oliver exclaimed as he opened his arms wide for an embrace.

The white-haired cultist wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a surprisingly-tight bear hug that lasted an uncomfortably long time. When he finally released me, he turned to do the same to Todd.

“Ah, no, no.” Todd wagged his finger at the cult leader. “Normally, I’d be down for the whole ‘bro hug’ thing, but I don’t wanna smell like Depends and hemorrhoid cream for the rest of the day.”

“Oh, Todd,” Oliver cackled and rested his hands on his belly, “I’ve missed your jokes.”

Todd quickly turned to Jane, ran over to her feet, and held out his arms like a toddler.

“Now I will take a hug from you, Jane Doe,” the imp giggled.

Jane rolled her eyes, but then she picked Todd up in her arms and gave him a quick, platonic hug. As she put him back down to the ground, he let out a deep sigh and waddled back toward the group.

Then I ran over to the brunette cultist, wrapped her in my arms, and kissed her forehead tenderly. Jane smelled sweet, like chocolate wrapped up in citrus, and I didn’t want to ever let her go.

“Good to see you again, too, Jacob.” She smiled as she pulled her head back. “Good to see all of you.”

“Is this the human woman Jacob is always talking about?” Mirage asked as she stepped forward and stuck out her hand. “My name is Mirage. I’m his newest madame.”

“Another madame?” Jane raised her eyebrow as she shook the succubus’ hand. “I’m guessing Jacob and Sia finally got overwhelmed, huh?”

“Something like that,” Mirage giggled and then motioned to the other three new succubi. “We are Jacob’s newest Demon Lords.”

“Demon Lords?” Oliver gasped. “You turned them into Demon Lords? That’s … ingenious! How many other marvelous, powerful new demons did you add to your army?”

“You’re lookin’ at ‘em, Ollie,” Todd said as he thumped on his chest. “Well, we had some more, but they all got turned into Demon Kings. None of ‘em were as good looking or well-endowed as this one, though.”

“Demon Kings?” Oliver shook his head and grinned. “It sounds like a lot has happened since we last spoke. On both fronts.”

“There truly has been,” a deep, flat voice announced from the kitchen. “We’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

The Archangel Raphael stepped through the door with the Spirit of Angelo Martatelli by his side.

“Amici!” Martatelli declared. “E passato troppo tempo.”

“Uh, que pasa to you, too, Tortellini,” Todd responded awkwardly.

“Shall we reconvene in the other room?” Oliver asked. “In there we can sit down and discuss all the crazy happenings that have occurred in these last few months.”

“Are we all going to fit in there?” Sia questioned.

“Unfortunately not,” Oliver explained, “but that’s why I’ve got some alternate activities for you succu--I mean, Demon Lords.”

The white-haired cultist snapped his fingers, and a small group of my followers walked through the door. They each had a skimpy bikini in one hand, and an individual bottle of strawberry daiquiri in the other.

“Are you suggesting what I think you are?” Libidine grinned.

“I am.” The cult leader nodded. “You all go and enjoy yourselves by the pool. The weather is actually quite lovely this time of year, and I figured you don’t have many places to swim down in Hell.”

Oliver had assumed wrong, but the succubi didn’t care.

“I call the tube top!” Cupi exclaimed as she ran over, snatched the bikini from the cultist, and then dashed to the sliding glass door.

“Last one to the pool doesn’t get a daiquiri!” Deja cackled as she followed the Sister of Greed.

The rest of the Demon Lords dashed out after the other two, and they made sure to grab their goodies as they ran. Finally, it was just Oliver, Jane, Todd, Raph, and Martatelli in the room.

Todd began to take a step toward the door, but Oliver stopped him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked the imp. “Don’t you want to discuss these new happenings with the rest of us?”

Todd furrowed his brow, crossed his arms, and clicked his tongue as he tapped his foot against the ground.

“Oh, I see,” he mused, “you send all the girls off to play in the pool and drink fruity drinks, but ya want the big, strong men to stay here and talk about the important shit.”

The color drained from Oliver’s face as he immediately went on the defensive.

“That’s not--I didn’t mean for it to happen … Jane is going to be in this meeting!” he protested.

Todd just shook his head.

“Mhmmm,” he shot back, “she’s only here because you know Jakey would make you include her.”

Oliver seemed to get even more flustered.

“That’s not true!” he argued. “Jane is a valuable asset to this cult. She and I go back even before we knew Jacob!”

“Ohhhh.” The imp frowned. “So, you just keep her around because you want something pretty to look at, huh?”

“I … I …” the cultist sputtered.

Oliver’s face was now dripping with sweat as he tried to think up another counterpoint, but it was of no use.

Just when it looked like Oliver had nowhere else to go with the conversation, Todd broke. The imp let out a loud guffaw as he doubled over and slapped his leg repeatedly.

“You shoulda seen your face, Ollie!” he cackled. “You totally thought I was serious, didn’t you?”

“That’s not something you’d normally joke about,” Oliver huffed, but the imp just kept laughing.

Meanwhile, Raphael slapped me playfully on the shoulder.

“Now I can see why Todd does that to me all the time,” he laughed, “it’s quite humorous when you see it from the other side.”

“Idioti.” The ghost of Martatelli facepalmed.

“If you boys are done tugging each others’ dicks,” Jane sighed, “we’ve got some important business to attend to.”

“Whoaaaaaaaa there, Jane Goodall.” Todd’s demeanor suddenly became serious. “The Toddster doesn’t tug anybody’s dick but his own. And that one guy in high school when he went up for the basketball and I missed my jump. But that was an accident, and I screamed ‘no homo,’ afterward!”

“I’m sure it was,” Jane chuckled as she strolled over into the dining room.

I was right behind her, and Todd, Oliver, and Raph were right behind me. As we all took our places at the table, Todd looked around curiously.

“Where’d Rotini get off to?” he asked.

Suddenly, the ghost of Martatelli floated through the wall as if it weren’t even there. Then I watched curiously as he hovered straight through Todd, walked through the table, and then “took a seat” across from Raphael.

“Spiacente.” Martatelli nodded.

“I don’t care about your damn spaghetti,” Todd shuddered, “warn a guy before you just go through him like that.”

“Now, shall we get down to business?” Oliver spoke up as he went to put this meeting in order.

“Not quite,” I ordered. “There’s something we need to do first.”

I picked up the salt shaker in the center of the dining room table, twisted off the top, and then stood from my chair. Then I began to walk around the perimeter of the room, sprinkling salt in a circular pattern as I moved. Finally, once there was a closed circle around the table, I bowed my head and began to utter the protective incantation that would keep my father from hearing this conversation. When the spell was set, I took my place at the table once more.

“There,” I explained, “now Lucifer won’t be able to eavesdrop on us.”

“Lucifer has taken an interest in your dealings?” Oliver gasped.

“Good lord, Jacob,” Jane added. “What exactly have you gotten yourself into down there?”

I took a deep breath, sat back in my chair, and began the long story of everything that had occurred since the last time we’d spoken. I told them all about the Unholy Trio and how we’d gone through and killed each one of them. I told them about Lucifer’s revelation to me, as well as how I’d turned all my friends into Demon Lords and then some of them into Demon Kings. I even told them about my little excursion into the Shadow World. My cultists took the most astounding interest, however, in the fact that Lilith was on my side.

“The Demon Queen has never done anything like this before,” Jane whistled. “She must really like you if she’s decided to betray Lucifer like this. Nobody does that and lives to tell about it.”

“Well, there’s a first time for everything.” I shrugged.

“Precisely!” Oliver added. “And if you haven’t noticed, my dear Jane, our glorious leader always brings about ‘firsts’ wherever he goes.”

“Please don’t call me glorious leader,” I scoffed, “it makes me sound like a dictator or something.”

“More like the monocled Russian dude from Rocky and Bullwinkle,” Todd snickered.

“My apologies, Jacob,” Oliver noted, “but you must admit, you’ve brought about lots of changes in the world of the Demonic.”

“Unfortunately,” Raphael sighed, “he is also bringing much controversy and change to the world of the Divine. The Archangels just took a vote yesterday, Jacob … I’m afraid it’s bad news.”

“They want to abandon me, don’t they?” I sighed.

“It was a close vote,” the dark-haired Archangel explained with a wince. “Four to three.”

“Who were the other three?” I asked. “You, Metatron, and … ”

“Not Metatron,” Raphael shook his head, “he’s a kiss-butt, remember? He was vocally outspoken against assisting you the entire session.”

“Maybe you should just Starscream his ass,” Todd suggested. “It sounds like he’s about as useful as Megatron. Then again, at least Megatron killed Optimus Prime. Scratch that, he’s more like fucking Galvatron. Totally Unicron’s bitch.”

“I’m not familiar with that political strategy,” Raphael admitted.

“Neither was Starscream.” The imp shrugged. “That’s why it never fucking worked.”

“Who voted with me, then?” I demanded, but Raph simply shook his head.

“It was a secret vote,” he explained, “so I couldn’t tell you. However, it’s comforting to know we at least have two other archangels on our side, whoever they may be.”

“So, what happens now?” I continued. “Does this mean I’m cut off from all of Heaven’s resources?”

“Yes,” Raph sighed, “they destroyed the radio and proclaimed any angel or Archangel who fraternized with you would be excommunicated from Paradise.”

“Then what are you doing here?” Oliver asked with a raised finger. “Can’t they see what you are doing right now?”

“Idioti,” Martatelli mumbled once more, but Raph didn’t seem to hear.

Instead, the Archangel reached up, pulled the hair tie from his man bun, and then shook his dark locks like a dog as they cascaded down his shoulders. Then he held the tie up for all of us to see.

It was composed completely of gold, and a yellow light sizzled off it like a wild flame.

“It’s all thanks to this little device Martatelli whipped up,” he boasted. “We call it the Heavenly Artificial Light Overrider, or the HALO for short. It’s a magical device that can shield Divine powers from anyone, even those as powerful as the Exalted One or Lucifer. As long as I have this on me, I can move about between Earth, Heaven, and even Hell without being tracked.”

“Does it have to be, like, on you on you?” Todd questioned. “Or could I totally stuff it in my pockets and then conduct a panty raid on the Ninth Circle?”

“See for yourself.” Raphael grinned, and then he tossed the HALO over to Todd.

As the imp inspected the glowing gold band, Martatelli looked petrified.

“Idioti!” he growled and slammed his hand on the table. “Rimettilo su! Qualcuno ti vedra!”

“Check it out, Raphey,” Todd snickered as he wrapped the headband around his tiny noggin, “I’m mother-fucking Ryu!”

“Buffone!” Martatelli flew over and yanked the HALO away from Todd. “Restituiscilo!”

The ghost threw the HALO back at Raphael like it was a discus, and the Archangel caught it nonchalantly. Then Martatelli began to swear at Raphael using just about every Italian curse in the book. When the tantrum had finally subsided, Raphael quietly put his hair back up into the bun.

“It was only off for a minute,” he muttered like a kicked puppy, “I’m sure nobody saw me.”

Martatelli crossed his arms across his chest, scoffed at Raph’s statement, and then floated back to his chair.

“So, the real question is … are there suddenly going to be angels coming after me now, too?” I asked.

“No,” Raph promised, “the vote was to halt aid to your endeavors, not to turn you into an enemy. I think the Exalted One still has a soft spot for you, thanks to all the demons you slayed while here on Earth Realm.”

“God and Jakey, sittin in a tree … ” Todd began, but I quickly shut him up with an irate stare.

“I hope you guys have better news to report on your front,” I chuckled as I turned toward Oliver and Jane.

Both of the cultists went silent, and then they began to exchange awkward glances between themselves, the table, and the floor.

Son of a bitch.

“It’s nothing too bad,” Oliver chuckled nervously, “it’s just, well, um…”

“The End Times, that’s all,” Jane finished as she stared down at the floor.

“Wait,” Todd chuckled, “did I just hear you right? Because I totally thought you said ‘The End Times.’ Like, the apocalypse. The Rapture. The Return of the Jedi. Or I guess Return of the King would fit there, too.”

“That is what I said,” Jane sighed.

I couldn’t believe my ears. The End Times? What the fuck were they talking about?

“Tell me she’s joking,” I demanded as I looked over at Raphael.

However, the Archangel simply shook his head.

“I wish I could,” he reiterated, “but she is right. I fear the End Times are upon us.”

“How?” I questioned. “Based on what? Because all the different Demon Kings are being slain? Because there’s a Nephilim coming for Lucifer’s crown? Or is the Exalted One behind this?”

“None of the above,” Oliver noted. “It’s John Zeitmann.”

“John Zeitmann?” I scoffed. “The butler from Vegas? What in the bloody fuck does he have to do with the apocalypse?”

“Well, as you know, Zeitmann’s spent the last few years going around, spreading the account of his encounter with you and Gallu to all who will listen,” the white-haired man continued, “he’s become somewhat of a celebrity in the world of the paranormal.”

“So?” I asked again. “I’m not quite sure I’m following.”

“Recently, Zeitmann’s message has changed,” Jane interjected. “Now, instead of milking his Vegas experience for all its worth, he’s begun to talk about how the time of the Second Coming is upon us, and how the Earth shall be swallowed up by the great serpent and how the Beast is already living among us.”

“Okay … ” I muttered with a raised eyebrow, “so Zeitmann’s gone off the deep end. And? There have been thousands of people through the years who have predicted the apocalypse, yet we’re all still standing here.”

“Pazzo,” Martatelli added as he made a circle around his temple.

“Exactly!” I agreed. “All those years of panicking over the Excalibur incident have probably just gone to his head.”

“It’s not that,” Raphael responded grimly. “The details of Zeitmann’s rants are … rather specific. Too specific to be the random ramblings of some lunatic.”

“Even worse,” Oliver shuddered, “it is said a Prophet named John will be the one to spread the message of the End Times before they occur.”

“Come on, Ollie,” Todd said as he waved his hand in disbelief, “Johnny boy’s a paranormal contessour like moi. He probably knows about all the prophecy shit and is just spewing it to get more attention. I know it’s what I’d do!”

“Perhaps, but it’s too much of a coincidence for my liking,” Raph continued. “We need to find this guy and tell him to knock it off before he accidentally sets off the end of the world.”

“That’s what you called me up here for?” I chuckled. “Just to shake down some conspiracy theorist?”

“It’s not that simple, I’m afraid,” Oliver sighed.

“We’ve been trying to find John Zeitmann for nearly a month now, with no success,” Jane explained. “The man is like a fucking ghost. No offence, Angelo.”

“Nessuno preso,” Martatelli reassured the woman.

“Of course he’s a ghost, Janey,” Todd added, “have you ever met these paranormal nuts? They’re not all cool, intelligent, and badass like me. Oh, no … They’ll lock themselves in an underground bunker because they think the government has a chip in their heads or only use burner phones because they think they’re being tracked or some shit like that. They’re insane in the membrane, bro.”

“Not like you, though,” I joked, “you’re totally not one of them.”

“Damn straight,” Todd said with a hearty nod, “I only speak the facts. It’s not my fault The Man doesn’t want you to hear ‘em.”

“Right,” I rolled my eyes, “so there’s no leads on Zeitmann? No social media? Not even an e-mail address? How the fuck does he get all these speaking arrangements if he doesn’t have any way to contact him?”

“Anonymous letter chains, bro,” Todd explained. “I’ve been on his website before, and it’s bug-nuts insane. He says the only way to contact him is to either send a letter to some address out in the middle of the Yukon, or to reach out to one of his acquaintances. If you do option two, his friend will reach out to him, and if Zeitmann thinks you’re clean, he’ll send you a letter or let you know when or where he’s going to be at any given time.”

“A letter doesn’t really work in this situation.” I facepalmed. “So, I guess that means we need to find one of these acquaintances of his. Any idea where to start?”

“You’re in luck, Jakey,” Todd giggled, “because I just so happen to know a guy. Please step into my office, and we can continue this talk further, bro.”

The imp hopped up on the table, dashed over to the end, and leapt off onto the ground. He didn’t halt his momentum as his hooves clacked against the tile floor, and the rest of us simply watched in disbelief as he disappeared through the doorway. There was silence for a moment, and then his tiny, horned head peeked back around the threshold.

“That means I want you guys to come up to my room,” he clarified, and then he vanished behind the door once more.

The five of us stood up from the table and then began to follow the imp. Well, everyone but Martatelli.

Instead, the ghost simply giggled as he floated upward and through the ceiling.

“Well, that’s just cheating,” I mused as I walked out the door.

“He does that quite often,” Raph clarified, “in fact, he takes great joy in springing out at random angels in the office and nearly giving them heart attacks.”

Now, I could see more clearly why Martatelli’s relationship with the Divine had been so terrible while he was alive.

We made our way up the marble staircase and then halted in front of Todd’s door. The imp was standing there waiting, and he had transformed his body so he was now wearing a bright purple top hat, an equally purple frock coat, and held a cane in his hand.

The imp slowly opened the door as he began to whistle the tune of Pure Imagination, and then he stepped through the door.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he said in a soft, calming voice, “the Toddster’s room. There is noooo--Jesus Captain Kangaroo on a fucking dildo!”

The imp jumped back through the door and clung to my leg like a koala.

Meanwhile, I could hear Martatelli’s mischievous laugh coming from inside the room.

“You alright, bro?” I snorted.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” he grumbled as he climbed down from my leg. “Tortellini just ruined my mojo, that’s all. The last time I saw somebody in my room, it was a super hot chick with a gun who I made dance for me.”

The five of us stepped into the room, and I chuckled at all the random shit that adorned Todd’s dwelling.

Technicolored pot leaf stickers were plastered on everything, from the bed frame to the window to the ceiling. Posters of women in various states of undress were scattered across the wall, but there was one sign Todd had that never failed to make me laugh.

There, right above the headboard of his bed, stood the poster for the movie Pulp Fiction. Only instead of Uma Thurman’s gorgeous face looking back at me, Hulk Hogan’s mug had been superimposed on her body, and the words Hulk Fiction stood where the movie title was supposed to be.

There were only four pieces of furniture in the room. Todd’s bed was only a twin, and it was little more than a mattress that laid on the floor with a small, dinged-up black headboard. Next to the bed was a night stand with a blindfold, a crumpled-up sock, and a bottle of lotion. Then there was the bookshelf, a four-shelved unit that housed both Todd’s books on the paranormal as well as his vast collection of WWE action figures.

Last but not least was the Toddster’s pride and joy, his computer. Todd had always prided himself on gaming, so he’d put a ridiculous amount of money into building his own machine. The tower stood nearly two feet tall and was custom-built to look like it was straight out of Tron, complete with green piping that glowed in the darkness.

Todd walked up to his chair, hopped up onto it, and then spun it around to face the monitor.

“Pretty sweet setup, huh?” he boasted. “It’s got an Intel Core i-nine, nine-thousand and ninety k. Only the best for pwning noobs and beating the meat, amirite?”

“Why would you tenderize your meat here in the bedroom?” Raphael questioned. “Isn’t that a task that’s more suited for the kitchen?”

“Oh, I’ve done it in the kitchen before,” the imp cackled.

“Seriously?” I gagged. “We eat in there, bro!”

“It was just in the sink, Jakey,” Todd shrugged, “no worries. I was just eating an apple in there one day and got hit with a sudden wave of nostalgia for Michelle Pfeifer in her Catwoman costume. And when you get a sudden wave of the Pfiefer, you gotta drop what you’re doing and quell your urges, bro. I know you’d do the same.”

“No,” I reassured him, “I definitely wouldn’t. Now, can you find this guy who knows where Zeitmann is, or not?”

“Sure thing, Jakey.” Todd cracked his knuckles and then leaned over his keyboard.

The imp took his mouse in his hands and began to navigate through the internet. As he started to type the name of his website into the search bar, literally every porn site I’d even heard of popped up in the suggestions.

However, the imp was unphased, and he didn’t even bat an eye as he went to TuesdayswiththeToddster.com.

“Your podcast?” Oliver asked. “Is Zeitmann a fan?”

“No,” Todd pouted, “after we cancelled on him that one time, he swore he’d never speak to me again. He’s kinda a stuck-up prick like that.”

“And he’s the key to stopping the apocalypse,” I sighed, “great.”

Todd continued to navigate through his website until he got to the chatroom. He clicked a few of the drop-down menus, found the user he was looking for, and then typed a message for the anonymous user into the chat box.

“Hey, there,” Todd narrated as he typed, “you still got that info on John Zeitmann? I could totally use a hookup right now.”

The imp sent the message, and then the three “reply” dots appeared to show the other guy was responding.

I told you I’m outta horse tranquilizers, hombre.

“Uhhhh,” Todd chuckled, “I can explain. They were for a new strain Slothy and I were working on. One that’s supposed to put you out with just two or three puffs. Let me clarify … No, not that stuff. I’m talking about the info. Do you know where Johnny boy is right now?”

Who’s asking? He’s entrusted me with highly sensitive information, and I can’t just give it out to anyone who asks. How do I know you’re clean?

“Tell him he’s speaking with an imp and an Archangel,” Raph interjected. “That should put some fear of God into him.”

“Okay … ” Todd sighed, “I’m an imp, and my friend here is an Archangel. You don’t get much more goody two-shoes than that.”

Fat chance! You think I’m gonna believe that shit, Mr. FBI man?

“Bro,” Todd narrated as he typed, “if we were with the FBI, we’d have found you already.”

Found me? You’re looking for me!? I knew I couldn’t trust you, and I’m glad John makes me vet everyone before I tell them anything sensitive.

“No, wait!” Todd’s fingers flew over the keyboard rapidly. “We only wanna talk to him. It’s not even about anything bad … Just talking.”

My great uncle was “just talked to” by the KGB, hombre. Now he can’t watch TV without getting a seizure from the chip they put in his head.

“Jesus,” I sighed and shook my head, “these guys really are nuts.”

“We’re not KGB,” Todd reassured the man on the other side. “We’re paranormal enthusiasts who want to talk to Mr. Zeitmann about some of his work. We’re like, huge fans.”

How can I trust you? For all I know you could be a bear. Because online, nobody knows you’re a fucking bear.

“This guy,” Todd rolled his eyes and then went back to his keyboard warrior mode. “What if we met in person? Then you could see we’re just regular ‘ol people, like you.”

This is entrapment, you know. I’m not going to give myself away willingly! If you want me, you’re gonna have to drag your ass up to 39.4621/112.5980 and pull me out kicking and screaming!

“Is that where you live?” Todd typed in disbelief.

The dots on the screen stayed there for a solid minute, but then only responded with a two-sentence answer.

Fuck. Don’t try it, Mr. FBI Man.

With that, the little green circle beneath his username went dark.

“Somebody type in those coordinates!” I called out in a panic.

“Already on it,” Jane announced as she fiddled with her phone. “There. It’s saying this guy lives somewhere … in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado?”

“In the mountains?” I questioned.

“That’s what it’s showing,” the brunette cultist said as she turned her phone to show me.

The little “X” on her phone that indicated the coordinates were smack-dab in the middle of the mountain range, far away from any major cities or civilization of any sort.

“Yep,” Todd mused, “that makes total sense. This dude’s obviously a basket case. He’s probably up there in some sort or rickety shack, out where he doesn’t think the government can find him.”

“But he has high-speed internet connection,” Oliver pondered.

“Wireless hotspot?” Todd suggested.

“You have to have service to use a hotspot,” I reminded him.

“Satellite internet?” he tried again.

“Is that even a real thing?” I questioned, but the imp just shrugged.

“Look, bro,” Todd explained, “I don’t make the rules. Fuck, I don’t even explain ‘em. But this guy is our lead on Johnny boy, and he says he’s out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere.”

I rubbed my chin as I pondered our predicament. This guy was clearly not the brightest bulb in the box. Even if we went all the way out to the mountains, found his secluded cabin, and shook him down for information, would he tell us what we wanted to know? Surely Ira could get something out of him …

Then there was the fact this could be nothing more than a wild goose chase. If we went all the way out to those coordinates and found nothing, we’ll have wasted almost a full week with nothing to show for it.

And if we were really dealing with the apocalypse, we didn’t have the luxury to walk away with nothing.

“What should we do, Jacob?” Oliver looked to me for advice.

After a few more seconds of thought, I turned to address my friends.

“I think we should go,” I announced, “but I don’t think we should all go. I’m going to send a few of my Demon Lords back down to Hell to protect my domain while I’m away, and I’m going to ask some of them to stay here. Just in case this is a ploy, and some chucklefucks try to ambush us.”

“That happens waaaay too often at this place,” Todd admitted, “I’m starting to think we’re keeping the local hardware store afloat with all the times they’ve had to come out here and fix things.”

“And the rest?” Raphael spoke up.

“The rest of us?” I repeated with a smirk. “The rest of us are about to go mountain climbing.”

Chapter 5

The succubi weren’t too happy I interrupted their pool party, but we had to get on the move.

As I walked out into the hot Arizona sun, I saw all of the beautiful women lounging around the pool, some sipping on their daiquiris while some tanned and others splashed around in the shallow end.

“There he is!” Deja announced when she saw me approaching. “What’s the lowdown, King Ralston?”

“Not good news, I’m afraid,” I admitted.

“Awwww,” Libidine sighed as she swam up to the side of the pool, “why don’t you hop on in the water? You look like you could use some tension release.”

“I already released his tensions earlier today,” Deja giggled. “Three times, actually.”

“Three times?” Cupiditas gasped. “All by yourself?”

“Yup,” the tan succubus said as she puffed out her chest and put her hands on her hips. “And it was fucking marvelous each and every time.”

“That’s not fair,” Gula pouted from atop her beach towel. “My record is only twice.”

“Girls, girls,” Superbia called out as she applied some sunscreen, “there’s no need to be jealous. I’m sure you’ve all got plenty more time to break Sister Deja’s record, and I’m more than sure Jacob would be willing to let you try.”

My Demon Lords all giggled with anticipation, and my cock grew harder in my pants.

I needed to focus.

“I have to go to Colorado,” I blurted out, “and unfortunately, I can’t take all of you with me.”

“Why not?” Inpulsa asked as she sat up in her chair. “We all have wings. We can follow you in the car.”

“That’s a negatory for me, dude,” Tris spoke up from her prone position on a beach towel, “I’m super comfortable right here in the sun, and I don’t plan on moving any time soon. Like, maybe even for the next few days.”

“Don’t be foolish, Sister,” Gula reminded Tris, “you’d be burned to a crisp just after a few hours.”

“That sounds lovely,” Ira interjected, “I volunteer to stay here, as well. I want to see if I can get sunburn all the way down to the bone this time.”

I shuddered at the thought, but pushed it out of my head quickly.

“If you guys stay here,” I explained, “you have to be on the lookout. We’re all kinda wondering if this might be one of my father’s traps or something like that, and I don’t want to leave any of my homes open for attack.”

“So, some of us will be returning to Hell?” Mirage questioned. “I would be more than willing to go back down there and manage your assets while you’re away.”

“I can live with that.” I nodded. “Any other volunteers to return to the Fourth Circle?”

“I’ll go.” Gula raised her hand. “As much as I love it up here, I can’t let my restaurant go for too long without a head chef.”

“Me too,” Invidia added. “Not because I want to work in the restaurant, though. I just wanna head back to my cabin in the mountains, put on some My Chemical Romance, and chill out for a few days. My social battery has been completely, utterly drained.”

“I shall go with you, Jacob,” Cupi offered. “I feel like the two of us haven’t been on an adventure together in quite some time.”

“I second that,” Liby smiled, “I wanna go on another road trip with you. They’re always so much fun. Minus the whole ‘fighting demons to the death’ thing, of course.”

“I wanna come along, too!” Deja smiled from ear to ear. “I’ve never been out to Colorado before … I usually stay on the West Coast.”

“I’ll go.” Eclipse shrugged as she pulled her tattooed body out of the pool. “I’m starting to yearn for a bit of excitement, after all.”

“Speak for yourself,” Inpulsa mused and tilted her face up to the sun, “I’m staying right here. This place is fucking beautiful.”

“I shall stay, as well,” Superbia announced, “we can’t have a bunch of former succubi hanging around this house unsupervised, now can we?”

“Alright, then.” I clapped my hands. “I guess the chips all fell the way they needed to after all. Everyone who’s coming with us, get dressed and meet me in the garage. Those of you who are going back to Hell, the Porta ad Inferos is located at the back of the garage. It’s under a huge blue tarp … It’s really hard to miss. Everybody else? I guess just hang tight until we all get back in a day or two.”

“Can do.” Tris gave me a thumbs up without even looking.

“Hopefully, when you come back I’ll be nothing but a charred, barely alive piece of burnt flesh and bone,” Ira moaned.

She may have been the Sister of Wrath, but that woman needed some serious help.

I walked back into the house, followed by the succubi who intended to join me on the journey. They quickly ran off to change back into their clothes while I went to meet the rest of the team.

Oliver and Todd were chatting it up in the two leather chairs that sat across from each other, while Jane and Raph both sat there awkwardly staring off into the distance. Then there was Martatelli, who was sitting between them talking gibberish in his native tongue.

“Who’s ready to hit the road?” I called out to everyone as I entered the room. “I’ve got a couple of Demon Lords coming along, so we’ll probably need to take two cars.”

“What about the bus?” Oliver suggested. “Last time I checked, that vehicle could hold nearly fifty people.”

“I don’t know if taking a bus up into the mountains would be the best idea,” I admitted, “but I appreciate the outside-the-box thinking. Shadow seats five comfortably, six if Todd sits on somebody’s lap, and there are what? Nine of us? If one of you wants to take Stella, we should be golden.”

“Ohhhhhh, no.” Todd stood up on the back of the chair and waggled his finger. “It’s been forever since I drove the sex machine, bro. That’s the other car we’re taking.”

“Lola?” I groaned. “No offense, Todd, but I don’t want to be calling triple A halfway through the trip.”

“How dare you slander her good name like that!” Todd gasped and placed his hands on his cheeks in shock. “My baby can totally make it out there, and I bet she’d even make it there faster than Shadow.”

“Okay,” I scoffed.

“No, seriously, bro,” Todd continued. “I’d totally bet my reputation on it.”

“That can’t be worth very much,” Rapahel chuckled to himself.

Todd went bug-eyed, slowly turned toward the Archangel, and tilted his head to the side.

“Whose side are you on, Raphey?” he demanded. “You’re supposed to be my wingman, kapeesh? The Goose to my Maverick. Right now, you’re more like Launchpad McfuckingQuack.”

“I … I don’t know if that’s an insult or not,” Raph admitted.

“It sure as fuck is!” Todd snickered. “That dude couldn’t land a plane for shit.”

“But I don’t even know how to fly a plane … ” Raphael continued, “I always just fly around on my own wings.”

“Just let the joke die, bro.” Todd facepalmed.

As the Archangel and the imp continued their playful banter, the succubi strike team walked into the room, and each of them was dressed in tactical gear that was somehow both extremely form-fitting and practical at the same time.

The uniforms were black, with tight pants covered in pockets and wife beater t-shirts that left just about nothing to the imagination.

“So, we ready to go?” Cupi asked with a hand on her hip.

“Wow, Ollie,” Todd snickered, “those pants probably give your cargo shorts a run for their money, huh?”

“I don’t wear cargo pants anymore,” the cult leader proudly boasted. “I have moved on to denim now. It may not have as many pockets, but it’s much more durable than what I had before.”

“Wait … ” A devilish grin spread up Todd’s face. “You’re telling me you wear jorts now?”

“‘Jorts?’” the white-haired man questioned. “I’ve never heard them called that before, but I absolutely love it!”

Todd clamped his mouth shut as he tried to hold back his laughter, but his amusement was obvious.

“Just promise me you’ll never stop wearing Crocs with socks,” Todd giggled.

“That won’t be a problem,” Oliver admitted. “That’s one pairing that will never, ever go out of style.”

“If you gentlemen are done talking fashion,” Jane sighed as she stood up and headed toward the garage, “I believe we have an informant to track down.”

The rest of the team followed Jane out to the garage, where Shadow was waiting.

The black Jeep Wrangler looked just as pristine as the day I’d bought her. Somehow, through all the crazy adventures my friends and I had been on, Shadow was still in one piece.

I clicked the key fob, and our black beauty chirped to life.

“Just like old times, eh?” Cupi purred as she strutted past me and climbed into the back seat.

“I’ve always wanted to ride in an Earth vehicle,” Eclipse mused as she joined her sister in the rear of the vehicle.

Libidine climbed in after them, which then left only the passenger seat.

“I’ll ride with you, if that’s alright.” Jane smiled as she walked up and placed her hand on my shoulder.

“You can always ride me.” I winked, but the cultist was unphased.

“I’ll take you up on that offer.” She grinned. “It’s been far too long since we’ve fucked.”

The brunette woman shot me a wink back, and then she strutted over to the passenger side door of the jeep.

That was always what I loved about Jane. She was incredibly cute, but she was also eerily intelligent and highly opportunistic. The second she thought she could become the leader of my cult, she pounced and never looked back.

Kinda like she did when she first met me.

“So, that leaves me, Ollie, Raphey, and Clockblocker,” Todd counted aloud. “All aboard the Toddster express!”

“Hold on,” Oliver asked nervously, “how are you going to drive?”

“Ye have little faith, Ollie,” Todd clicked his tongue.

Suddenly, the imp’s legs began to bubble, and then they stretched out until they were the size of a regular human’s. However, Todd didn’t change the rest of his body, and he now looked like a fucking cherry tomato on stilts.

“That’s not very comforting,” the cultist admitted. “What if we pass other people on the road?”

“Fine, fine…” Todd sighed, and then he forced the rest of his body to transform. Within seconds, he had returned to the Shaggy-looking form of his human body. “Better?”

“Why do you look like a homeless person?” Deja questioned as she climbed into the back of the yellow, beat-up Volvo. “Is that some sort of disguise you use?”

“What?” Todd muttered as he popped open his door. “No … this is the old me, Clockblocker.”

“I can only imagine how much fun that trip is going to be,” I chuckled as I slid into the driver’s seat of the van, stuck the keys in the ignition, and twisted.

It took her a second, but Shadow’s engine roared to life, and then I pressed the button to open the garage door. As I looked up into the rearview mirror, I saw dark black smoke sputtering out of Lola’s exhaust pipe. Meanwhile, Raphael, Oliver, and Deja were all sitting in the car, wide-eyed and petrified.

They had no idea what was in store.

We both pulled out of the garage, turned down the road, and headed toward the interstate. It was about a seven hour drive out to where we were going, but it flew by in the blink of an eye.

As we traveled, the succubi giggled as they whispered to each other in the back seat of the car, while Jane and I shot the shit up front. We talked about everything, from the current political landscape of Hell, to the locations of remaining cultists in the U.S., to shit as simple as what movies we’d seen recently.

As much as I loved the company of my succubi, it felt nice to have a human to talk to every now and again.

We passed through New Mexico in a flash, and we only stopped once to refill our gas tank and take a much-needed leg stretching session.

I kept my eyes on Lola the entire way through the desert, especially since I remembered exactly what had happened the last time we tried to take her on a long journey. However, the eighties Volvo held it together, and soon we crossed the border into Colorado.

From here, it got tricky.

A light snow began to fall once we reached the higher altitudes, and we were both forced to slow down or risk sliding off the ravine. Even though we all could fly our way to safety, our cars would have been lost to the abyss, and there was no way either of us were going to lose our precious babies.

“I didn’t prepare for this sort of weather,” Jane sighed as she watched the snow fall outside. “There’s a reason I chose to join the cultists in Arizona.”

“Don’t worry,” I reassured the brunette woman, “we all have our Hellfire powers that can keep the cold away. And if that doesn’t work, I can always keep you warm.”

“Do we need to give you two a minute?” Libidine giggled from the back seat.

“Not while I’m driving,” I chuckled.

“That’s no fun,” Liby shrugged, “I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to play with your stick shift while you have your hand on the real one.”

“This is an automatic,” I shook my head, “and besides, it looks like we’re about to hit even worse weather.”

Up ahead, the blustery winds and snow appeared to pick up to the point where I couldn’t even see the road. Or its deadly, winding curves.

We needed to proceed with caution.

I slowed my speed down to a crawl as we entered the snowstorm. According to the GPS, we were almost to the spot where our informant was located.

Todd and I crawled through the snowy mountain roads at a snail’s pace until finally, we reached the coordinates we’d been given from the source himself.

However, as I pulled off to the very narrow side of the road, I saw nothing. So, I shut down the car, threw open the door, and stepped outside.

Thankfully, the internal Hellfire that gave all of us demons our powers also acted as a temperature regulator in frigid weather, and I didn’t even notice the cold.

“Jacob?” Raphael called out as he exited Lola. “Where is the informant?”

“I think we may have been duped,” I grumbled over the sound of the blowing winds. “There’s nothing here.”

“I wouldn’t give up so easily, my friend,” Oliver said as he stood shivering in the cold. “Oh, my. Actually, would one of you mind?”

“Of course not.” Deja nodded, and then she summoned red Hellfire into her hands and held it up toward the cultist.

Oliver let out a sigh of relief as the warmth overtook his body, and then he continued his query.

“Just because it’s not at this precise location doesn’t mean the GPS is wrong,” he explained. “It just means we’re not at the proper elevation.”

“That’s what I was afraid of,” I groaned as I looked up the side of the mountain.

Even though the blowing snow covered most of the sightlines, I could tell the peak of this mountain wasn’t going to be easy to find. If this guy even lived on the peak, that is.

“Here, Ollie,” Todd offered as he ran to the back of Lola, “no need to be standing around risking setting yourself on fire!”

The imp in disguise threw open his trunk, rummaged through it for a few minutes, and then came back with two large coats. He tossed the first one to Oliver, and then offered the second to Jane.

Both of the cultists took Todd up on his offer, and I couldn’t help but chuckle when I saw them in the stoner’s clothes.

The jacket Todd had given Oliver brandished an intricate Native American print all around, and it had an oversized hood that looked like it was double the size of the man’s head.

On the other hand, it was much better than the one he gave Jane. That coat was a putrid tan color, with dark green pot leaves stamped all over the garment. When the hood was put up, it looked like the wearer had a skull on their head.

A green, rastafarian skull.

“I got one more thing to keep us warm,” the imp announced, “all of us.”

Todd fumbled around in his trunk for another minute or two, and then he popped up with a bunch of doobies in his hands.

“I don’t think we need those … ” Cupi began, but Todd was already handing them out.

“Nonsense, my bodacious blonde,” he argued, “even if we’re adapted to survive in the cold, do you know what I’m giving you?”

“I can’t say I do,” Liby admitted.

“It’s Five-Alarm Hash,” he snickered, “this shit will warm you to your very soul. Swearsies.”

The imp finished passing out the joints before he put one in his mouth, lit it with Hellfire from his index finger, and inhaled deeply. His eyes rolled back in his head, and then he topped it all off with a chef’s kiss.

“You want me to smoke marijuana?” Raphael gasped. “I-I don’t think I can do that. I could be excommunicated from Paradise if they think I’m some sort of drug addict.”

“I think you’re being a bit overdramatic, Raphey.” Todd shrugged and took another long puff. “Besides, you’ve already had a bunch.”

“I have never smoked in my life!” the Archangel protested.

“Oh, you didn’t smoke it … ” Todd grinned. “Remember that huge plate of brownies I left on the table the last time we were on Earth?”

“Of course I do,” Raphael muttered, “they were delicious. So delicious, in fact, that I went back and ate three more of them. And then I consumed an entire bag of bugles, followed immediately by a whole ham sandwich.”

“A whole ham sandwich?” I asked with a raised eyebrow as I lit the joint in my hand.

“A whole. Ham. Sandwich.” Raphael confirmed. “And then I passed out on the couch for a few hours. There was nothing out of the ordinary about that situation.”

“Raphey, Raphey, Raphey,” the imp clicked his tongue, “you were high, my friend.”

“Impossible,” the Archangel scoffed, though I could tell he was beginning to realize his mistake. “Would a high person stare at the ceiling for upwards of an hour, thinking about how odd it is that all the Archangels are named in English?”

“That’s exactly what they’d do,” Todd giggled, “welcome to the mile-high club, my dude.”

“N-No!” Raph gasped as he flicked away the joint.

“Keep denying it, bro.” The blond-haired imp shrugged. “It doesn’t change that it happened.”

I took a puff off the joint Todd had given us, and I instantly felt what he was talking about. As the smoke entered my lungs, every inch of my body lit up with the fire of a million tiny suns, and when I finally exhaled, it felt like I was on fucking fire.

The rest of the team all took a few puffs from their doobies, and then we flicked them away.

They may have been great, but we were still on a mission. A mission that looked like it was about to get even deadlier.

“So, now what?” Deja asked as she stared up at the roaring winds.

“We go up,” I confirmed as I summoned my wings from my body.

“I know you mentioned your wings earlier,” Jane muttered with wide eyes, “but it’s one thing to hear about them, and another thing to see them.”

“Like the upgrade?” I chuckled.

“Very much.” The cultist grinned.

“Are you sure it’s safe?” Liby worried as she nodded to my wings. “Those are some awfully strong winds up there … ”

“Only one way to find out,” I muttered and then turned my attention upward. “I’ll go first.”

I squatted down and then pushed off the ground, and my wings carried me up into the sky. The cold air and snow pounded against my face as I rose up into the storm, and then my vision was completely gone. I looked around desperately for any sort of visibility, but it was all in vain.

I was flying blind.

Suddenly, a gust of wind struck me in the back, and I was blown into the side of the mountain. My body slammed against the jagged rocks violently, and I thanked my lucky stars I was wearing my armor.

If not for the durability of Umbrian Steel, I’d at least have a few broken bones.

I tried to fly upward once more, but the wind had other plans. The next thing I knew, I was blown off course once more. This time, it was right into a large, pointed rock.

I let out a grunt of pain as I slammed into the deadly point, ricocheted off, and plummeted downward. My wings beat helplessly against the wind as it spun me around in the sky. I used the long appendages to slow my descent, but I was completely at the mercy of nature. My insides felt like they were about to fly through my own mouth as I spun out of control like a leaf sucked through a vacuum cleaner, and then I finally slammed against the snowy ground with a violent thud.

Pain shot through my body as I landed, but thankfully it didn’t feel like anything was broken. The combination of the powdery snow and Caliginian armor must have softened the blow enough to make it non-critical.

“Jacob, are you alright?” Libidine cried as she dashed over to my body. “Do we need to get you to a hospital? I knew we should have brought Superbia along!”

“I’ll be fine, Liby,” I groaned as I slowly pulled myself back to my feet. “The snow broke my fall.”

“So, I take it that flying isn’t an option?” Cupi sighed as she stared up at the swirling storm above.

“Not unless you want to have all your bones smashed into little tiny pieces,” I joked. “Even though I know Ira would totally be into that.”

“Then it looks like we’ll have to do the next best option,” Oliver suggested as he summoned yellow Hellfire into his hands. “If we climb, we’ll be close enough to the side of the mountain that the wind shouldn’t affect us.”

The white-haired cultist ran over to the stony mountain, formed his spell into spikes, and jabbed them into the side. Then I watched in amusement as the elderly man used his yellow daggers as makeshift pickaxes and began to scale the mountain like fucking Spider-Man.

Oliver may have been hundreds of years old, but he still had the spryness of a young man.

“You heard the man,” Jane chuckled as she summoned yellow Hellfire and took off toward the rocky wall.

The brunette cultist leapt into the air, hit the wall, and then didn’t break stride as she ascended the mountain.

“That’s nothing,” Todd scoffed as he did a few pre-game stretches in the snow. “I can do it without all the fancy magic bells and whistles.”

Todd finished off his joint, tossed it off into the distance, and dashed over to the wall. Then he opened his clawed hands wide and used them to scurry after Oliver and Jane.

“I’ll do you one better,” Cupi teased. “Ever heard of freestyle?”

Just like that, Cupiditas ran after the imp and then proceeded to climb up the rocky formation with nothing but a few strategic handholds and footholds.

Libidine followed right after her, but the Sister of Lust used the same yellow-spell technique as Oliver and Jane. Before long, the five climbers were almost out of our view.

“Show offs.” Eclipse stuck out her tongue at our friends’ backs. “How are we gonna get up there?”

“I don’t know about you,” Raphael mused as he pulled two fancy pickaxes from beneath his robe, “but I’m going to use these. International Climbing and Mountaineering Federation standard, of course.”

“Of course.” I rolled my eyes as Raphael ran over, stabbed them into the mountain, and began to climb.

“And we get up there by getting creative,” Deja mused as she summoned forth her spear-tipped chain.

The tan succubus surrounded her weapon in black Hellfire, raised it up into the air, and then commanded it to fire up into the mountainside. The spear struck about six feet above her head, and then she commanded it to yank her upward. Deja quickly slingshotted past Liby and Cupi, pulled the spear out of the rocks, and then repeated the action.

“I’m not that creative,” Eclipse chuckled as she watched her sister go.

“Nonsense,” I reassured the tattooed beauty, “luckily for you, improv is my specialty. Well, except in high school theatre class. I fucking sucked at that.”

I commanded silver Hellfire into my hands, tossed it around the ball on my belt, and then commanded it to transform into four mini pickaxes. I handed two of them to Eclipse while I took the other two and headed for the wall. Then I hauled back, stabbed the first axe into the rocky structure, and repeated with the second.

Eclipse did the same, and then we lifted ourselves up into the air.

I made sure to create tiny footholds of purple Hellfire under Eclipse and I as we ascended, and before long I was up inside of the storm once more.

Somehow, I felt even more helpless this time. The blustering winds whipped my hair around my head and threatened to knock me from my place on the mountainside. Even though I couldn’t feel the bitter cold of the storm, seeing the near-whiteout conditions before me sent a chill down my spine, but despite these troubles, I was able to keep up the climb.

Soon, we hit the worst of it all. Snowflakes shot past so rapidly that I couldn’t even distinguish the figure of the succubus climbing five feet beside me.

“Elemental powers would be really nice right about now!” I shouted over the roaring winds. “Or wind powers or something that could at least calm this storm!”

“Wait!” Eclipse gasped. “Maybe I can help out … Guys! Hold on tight!”

I couldn’t tell exactly what the tattooed succubus was doing, but I suddenly saw the glow of dark flames cut through the white-out. The next thing I knew, a ball of black Hellfire was floating through the air, sucking in all of the snow in its vicinity.

Eclipse’s black hole spell was erasing the blizzard before it could get to us.

Within seconds, I had the succubus in my sights once more.

“Good thinking, Eclipse!” I called out as I stuck my axe into the wall and hoisted myself up further.

“Don’t mention it,” she said through a sly smile, “I--”

Suddenly, the rock around the succubus’ left pickaxe broke free of the mountainside, and Eclipse let out a shriek of terror as her left arm fell and her body’s momentum swung to the right. She dangled there like a puppet on a string for a second, and then she stabbed her left axe back into the wall.

“Be careful,” I reminded the dark-haired beauty, “we’re not in the clear yet. Not by a long shot. I don’t even know how much fucking longer until we hit a plateau or the peak or any sort of stopping point.”

“You alright down there?” Cupiditas’ voice called out from above. “I heard Eclipse scream.”

“We’re fine,” I reassured the Sister of Greed, “just a little scare, that’s all.”

We continued onward, swiftly but with a hint of caution, until I finally heard Deja’s voice squeal with glee.

“I found it!” Deja called down. “I’m on flat ground! Here, let me throw down my chain so I can help you up … ”

From a distance, I saw the glowing black spear and chain float down far enough so Oliver, Jane, and Todd could all grab it. My three teammates took hold of the weapon, and then they were lifted up to safety.

The spear came back down for Cupi and Liby next, and then for Eclipse and me.

Finally, the chain hoisted us up over the edge of the cliff, and I let out a sigh of relief as my knees hit solid ground.

“Holy fuck,” I panted, “note to self … we need to find an easier way to get down. That was waaaaay too fucking stressful.”

“It wasn’t that bad.” Deja shrugged as she made her spear and chain disappear.

“Says the girl who was literally flinging herself up the mountain like a bungee jumper,” Libidine protested. “Some of us had to climb up the old-fashioned way.”

“Yeah,” Cupi giggled and slapped Libidine’s arm, “without magic at all.”

Liby put her hands on her hips as she shot Cupi a playful glare, but then her expression quickly turned back to normal, and she just shrugged.

“There’s no shame in a little old-fashioned mountaineering,” Raphael noted as he stretched his legs. “In fact, it is my second-favorite form of locomotion.”

“What’s your first favorite train?” Todd questioned with a tilted head.

“Not locomotion as in steam engine,” the Archangel scoffed, “I mean perambulation.”

“Eww, bro.” Todd gagged. “Keep your perambulation between yourself and the Big Guy upstairs, kapeesh?”

“I don’t understand,” Raphael stated with a face plastered in confusion.

Todd’s face drooped, and then he made a jerking motion with his right hand above his nether regions.

“Ya know,” he explained, “perambulation.”

“That’s not what that means at all!” Raphael exclaimed in horror. “I would never … ”

“Metatron tells me otherwise, bro,” the imp snickered, “he said it’s like living with a preteen boy who just hit puberty.”

“That’s foul.” Raphael shuddered.

“I dunno what birds have to do with this, Raphey,” Todd shrugged, “but I’ll take your word for it.”

As I got back up to my feet, I observed the scenery around us. Before me stretched a massive forest of pine trees that must have been at least one-hundred feet tall. Their branches were completely covered in snow, and off in the distance we saw a vast, desolate landscape that stretched upward and then into a small peak.

“Where the fuck is this guy’s cabin?” I grumbled. “We’re right where the GPS says we’re supposed to be, and the mountain doesn’t go any higher.”

“Perhaps your informant did, as you say, ‘fuck us over,’” Oliver suggested.

“No way, Ollie,” Todd waved his hand. “I’ve known this guy for like, a full year now, and he’s never steered me wrong. If ya can’t trust anonymous guys on the internet, who can you trust nowadays?”

“It’s true,” Raph added. “In fact, I just recently sent a large charitable donation to a poor woman in Nigeria so she could pay off her son’s ransom. He’s a prince, you know.”

I just rolled my eyes as I tried to see if I could spot anything.

Then I saw it.

Far off in the distance, just beyond the forest, in the desolate area near the peak of the mountain, there was a small dot. A small dot that was moving.

That must have been our guy.

“That’s gotta be him!” I called out as I took off into the small patch of woods.

The snow crunched underneath my armored feet as I ran, and my heart pumped in my chest. Maybe we hadn’t come all this way for nothing, after all.

I didn’t know who this asshole was, but if he could tell us where John Zeitmann was located, this whole journey would be worth it.

As soon as I was fully inside of the woods, my body was overwhelmed by a strange feeling. Even though I couldn’t see anything amongst the white and green foliage of the trees, I had the sneaking suspicion that we weren’t alone right now.

Then my fear was confirmed.

“Jacob!” Deja cried in horror. “Your three o’clock!”

Without a second’s hesitation, I drew the Sword of Saints from its holster, spun toward my three o’clock, and held it out at the ready.

No sooner than I’d turned, and I saw a hideous creature spring onto my position.

The creature was bipedal, about four feet tall, and had an elongated snout with razor-sharp teeth. Its yellow, slitted eyes went dark as it impaled itself on my blade, and then the creature’s body went limp as it moved all the way up to my face.

I could see why I hadn’t seen this fucker before. His skin was made up of patches of white and green, a perfect camouflage for this sort of environment, and he had several sleek feathers on his body and large, padded feet that undoubtedly made him move stealthily through the snow.

I tossed the creature’s body onto the ground and gasped.

Now that I could see it from a distance, I realized what it reminded me of.

A raptor. I’d just killed a fucking raptor.

“Clever girl,” Todd said nonchalantly as the rest of the team came to my position. “Daaaammmmn. That’s a Hill Hunter, bro. I always told you there were still fucking dinosaurs on Earth. Anywho, we’d better get the fuck outta here quick, because--”

Before the imp could finish his sentence, the entire forest around us rattled with shrill, mournful cawing noises.

My team summoned their Hellfire and Divine powers into their hands, whipped out their weapons, and then got into formation in a large, back-to-back circle.

Just as we did so, the air around us was filled with rustling noises, and then dozens more of these “Hill Hunters” appeared out of the trees.

“Because they always hunt in packs,” Todd finished with a sigh. “Thank you, Dr. Grant.”

We may not have found our informant, but things were about to get interesting.

So, I tightened my grip on the Sword of Saints as the creatures let out a deep, angry roar, and then they charged at us.

Chapter 6

“How the fuck are there still dinosaurs living on Earth?” I growled as I locked eyes with the nearest apex predator.

“I told you, bro,” Todd sighed as he transformed himself back into an imp, surrounded himself with black flames, and floated up into the air. “The ones that adapted to harsh climates weren’t affected by the extinction event. And since they’re all chillin’ in areas that don’t have people, they only get seen every now and again, usually by people who then get called crazy for even suggesting they saw a fucking dinosaur. It’s like you don’t even listen to me, Jakey.”

“Fair enough,” I joked. “We can talk about that in counseling later.”

“What are they waiting for?” Eclipse, now clad in her rough, hide-like armor, whispered.

“A weakness, Lizbeth,” Todd shot back. “They’ll only attack if they think we’re easy prey. Thankfully, we’re about as hard-ass as it gets.”

“We can’t just stand here and wait for them to leave,” I grumbled. “We have to find the guy who’ll get us to Zeitmann, and we’re not doing that by just standing around with our dicks in our hands.”

“Are you suggesting we make the first move?” Raphael questioned as he flipped the Bowie knife in his hand into a downward position. “Because I will gladly wipe these foul creatures off the face of the Earth. The Shadow People may have failed to do their duty to the full extent, but I will finish the job. These creatures are the slime of creation.”

“Raphey’s prejudiced against dinosaurs,” Todd mused, “who knew?”

“We need a plan of attack,” I whispered to my team. “Liby and Eclipse, you work on crowd control. Oliver and Jane, you focus on keeping them contained from a distance. I don’t want any of these fuckers flanking us. Everyone else? Do what you do best.”

“Bro,” Todd whispered, “I’m not gonna fuck these things.”

“I meant ‘kill,’” I hissed back at the imp, “you totally ruined the badass one-liner, bro.”

“It’s not my fault you didn’t warn me first,” Todd snickered. “That one’s on you.”

“Totally,” I lied. “Forgive me for--”

Before I could finish my sentence, the first Hill Hunter charged.

I quickly tossed up a shield of purple Hellfire in front of its snarling jaw, and the creature’s face smashed into it violently.

While the Hill Hunter was disoriented, I finished it off by stabbing the Sword of Saints through its neck. The raptor hissed in agony as his blood painted the snow crimson, and then he fell over to the ground and began to gurgle as he died.

That must have been enough to set off the rest of the herd, because they all began to charge.

“Itttttttt’s showtime!” Todd said with Beetlejuice’s voice, and then he unleashed a hailstorm of red fireballs at the incoming creatures.

The baseball-sized projectiles hit the monsters as they charged and left burn marks on their flesh. However, the attacks didn’t seem to do much other than knock the reptiles off balance.

Thankfully for Todd, Cupi was there to land the killing blows.

The Sister of Greed flipped in front of one of the Hill Hunters, twirled her polearm around acrobatically, and then struck. She thrust the point of the weapon into the brain of the nearest creature and then, in the same motion, took out the legs of another with the blunt end. Finally, she flipped her polearm around and stabbed the spear end into its neck.

“Jacob!” Oliver called out as he pointed up to the trees. “Could we perhaps get a boost?”

I threw out an ascending platform of purple Hellfire in front of Oliver and Jane, and the two cultists dashed up them and then into the branches of the trees. From there, I saw them both blast a shot of blue and red Hellfire off into the distance.

Meanwhile, Libidine and Eclipse had both taken to their wings and were firing black and yellow flames into the crowd of Hill Hunters below. Several of the beasts yelped as Liby’s spears pierced their thick hides, and others shrieked in terror as they were pulled into the void of Eclipse’s black holes.

Then there was Raphael, who looked like he was having a bit too much fun as he flipped over a charging Hill Hunter. As he somersaulted above the raptor, the Archangel tossed his robe onto the creature. He landed fully clad in his badass white SWAT uniform, and then he came up with a fucking revolver.

The barrel of Raphael’s gun flashed with Divine Light as it kicked back in his hands, and a nearby Hill Hunter’s chest exploded into a bloody mess. Then the Archangel spun around and stabbed his Bowie knife into the struggling figure underneath his robe. There was a wet shluck as the robe began to turn red, and then the monster underneath toppled over.

Raphael may have been a bit of a ditz, but he was a badass warrior of Heaven, and he wasn’t about to let us forget that.

“Having fun yet?” Deja chuckled as she tossed her spear and chain at two of the attacking Hill Hunters.

The raptor caught her attack with its mouth, but Deja wasn’t about to give up that easily. She used her black Hellfire to yank her chain toward the beast and then twirled in midair like a gymnast. Deja used her momentum to guide herself behind the two creatures, wrap her chain around their necks, and then land on their bodies like she was surfing on them. Finally, the tan succubus gave her weapon a yank, and the raptors’ heads smashed together as they lost their balance and tumbled to the ground at my feet.

I stabbed the Sword of Saints into the first one’s eye and quickly turned the second one’s head into a pile of ash with my red Hellfire.

“Actually,” I grinned as I looked at Deja, “I kinda am.”

Suddenly, what felt like a freight train struck me from the side and sent me rolling across the frigid ground. Before I could catch myself, one of the Hill Hunters was on top of me.

I threw out a green portal in front of his face, and his entire head passed through. Then I forced his attack to reappear just above the base of his neck, and I watched with satisfaction as the Hill Hunter literally decapitated himself.

Unfortunately, his lifeless body collapsed right on top of me, and the warm blood from his stub of a neck splashed out onto my face like a bowl of spilled soup. A warm, irony taste began to seep into my mouth, and I gagged horrifically as I tried to keep my lips pressed together as tightly as possible to keep from getting any more in my mouth.

Finally, I summoned green flames to my hand, threw them around the body of the dead Hill Hunter, and launched it up into the sky. Once the corpse was airborne, I commanded my telekinetic flames to rip it apart in ten different directions, and gory chunks of the body were scattered throughout the trees.

There were more Hill Hunters on me as I stood up, and I just barely was able to parry an attack with my sword. The creature yelped as its head was knocked away, but there were still two more to deal with.

I ducked out of the way of the first one’s jaws, stabbed it in the stomach, and then watched as its warm blood splashed out onto the snow.

Before I could get my bearings, the jaws of the third raptor clamped around my right arm. I heard my armor crunch underneath the power of its jaws as the raptor yanked me off my feet and began to drag me across the snowy ground. I reached down to grab the goat-headed dagger from my belt, but the creature was too fast.

It began to shake me around on the ground like a chew toy as it let out a series of chirps, and then I heard more of the Hill Hunters answer its call in unison.

This thing had me dead to rights, and it wanted to make sure it rang the dinner bell.

I wasn’t going to go down that easily, though.

So, I summoned silver flames into my hand, surrounded the ball of metal on my belt, and then commanded it to turn into a long, thin strip. Then I ordered it to fly up, stab through the Hill Hunter’s lower jaw, and wrap around its snout like a makeshift muzzle.

The creature released its grip on my arm and roared as the soft tissue of its mandible was punctured, but then he was silenced as the metal strip closed his mouth completely.

From my spot on the ground, I could see at least five more Hill Hunters charging me from about ten feet away. So, I summoned bronze Hellfire around my fist, flipped over, and slammed it straight down into the ground.

A shockwave rang out as the earth rocked, and the Hill Hunters were knocked down onto their sides.

I ordered the strip of metal to tighten around the fucker’s jaw above me, and within seconds, there was a wet crack as his jaw bones both snapped. The strip continued to tighten as blood oozed out in a thin line, and the creature continued to frantically flail his head back and forth. Finally, the entire loop was closed as the Hill Hunter’s entire snout fell off with a bloody shlock.

The beast stared at me in horror for a second before it fell over and went into shock as it bled out.

Then I turned my attention back to the five Hill Hunters on the ground, who were now just getting back to their feet.

My left hand turned red, my right hand turned yellow, and I clapped them together as I tossed out a swarm of glowing shuriken. They stabbed into three of the raptors, exploded, and sent their guts splattering across the nearby trees.

The other two fuckers charged me, but I was more than ready.

I ran at the Hill Hunters, fell down to my knees, and lopped off the right one’s leg with the Sword of Saints. Then, without missing a beat, I threw up a green portal in front of my trajectory, stabbed the sword into it, and forced it to reappear in front of the second raptor’s head.

Even though I couldn’t see through the interdimensional portal, I felt my blow land, and then I heard the creature behind me let out a wail before I heard it crumple to the ground.

Finally, I ordered the metal strip that was still lying on the ground to turn into a spear and stab through the neck of the wounded Hill Hunter.

Its cries went silent as the metal pierced its jugular and then returned to a ball on my belt.

As I tried to regain my bearings, I realized how well we were doing against these guys. There were only a handful of the mountain raptors left, and my friends were making short work of them.

“Just like grenading fish in a barrel!” Todd cackled as he tossed down magic flashbangs.

The Hill Hunters screamed as they were temporarily blinded, and then they were both struck by a blast of blue Hellfire. Their entire upper bodies froze in place under the icy spell, and then Cupi shattered them with the blunt end of her polearm.

Raphael’s pristine SWAT uniform was soaked in Hill Hunter blood as he climbed up onto a creature and unloaded his Divine FAMAS directly into its back. The Hill Hunter’s body was literally ripped to shreds by the hailstorm of bullets before Raph spun around, whipped out his revolver, and blasted another raptor between the eyes.

Brain matter flew from the back of its skull as its eyes rolled back in its head. Then the raptor fell to the ground and slid across the snow.

“Nice shootin’, Raphey!” Todd called out from above. “Should I be worried about all that, uh, pent-up rage?”

“Not at all,” Raph mused as he blew the smoke away from the barrel of his gun. “It’s just that I haven’t had a good fight in months, and this is quite exciting.”

As I turned back to check on the rest of my succubi, the head of a Hill Hunter plopped down on the snow at my feet.

“That’s the last of them,” Eclipse announced proudly as she wiped the blood off her naginata.

“Uhhh, not quite, I’m afraid,” Oliver sighed from above. “You’re going to want to take a look at this.”

I grabbed onto the lowest-hanging branch, hoisted myself up onto it, and then climbed up the tree, branch-by-branch. Finally, I found myself at the top of the giant pine, and my heart fell into my knees.

Far off in the distance, charging down the mountain, was another herd of Hill Hunters, but it wasn’t a few dozen, like the group we’d just taken out.

No, this had to be at least a few hundred of the fuckers. The dinner bell had been rung, and we were the first course.

“Fucking hell,” I groaned as I racked my brain.

There was no way we could kill all of these things. We may have been great fighters, but they outnumbered us nearly one-hundred to one, if not more.

“What’dya see, Jakey?” Todd asked as he floated up next to me, and then his eyes bulged out of his skull. “Holy jackrabbit sexcapades! We need to get the fuck outta here, bro!”

“We can’t,” I shot back, “we need to find the informant.”

“We’re not gonna find the informant if we’re dino shit, bro,” the imp implored. “I can always message the dude again. Offer him Azazel’s skull as a collector’s item or something. Anything but staying here and facing down these odds.”

The imp was right. Trying to fight these monsters one-on-one was a death wish. If we wanted to stand any chance at all, we had to take them all out swiftly at once.

The problem was none of us knew any spells that were quite as powerful. Purple Hellfire might be able to stop them in large clumps, but that wasn’t going to be enough. I could create a fuck ton of shuriken, but those were about as inaccurate at long distance as you could get.

My silver flames were practically useless on large groups, as was the red fire. I could try and transport us all to the Shadow World, but even that wouldn’t do much with the sheer numbers they had.

My bronze Hellfire? Sure, maybe I could knock them off their feet, but that wouldn’t do much other than buy us some more time. And get the army of Hill Hunters covered in snow.

“Wait … ” I gasped. “That’s it!”

“What’s it?” Todd asked as he turned his head. “I think you may have just been monologuing internally, bro.”

“Everybody get airborne!” I commanded my team.

Without a moment’s hesitation, each and every one of them joined me in the pine.

“That’s a lot of Hill Hunters,” Libidine gasped when she saw the incoming army.

“It was a lot of Hill Hunters.” I grinned, and then I summoned bronze Hellfire into my hands.

“What are you doing, bro?” Todd asked. “You gonna try to shake ‘em to death?”

“Not them,” I explained, “but I can shake the snow, and then the mountain will do the rest for me.”

I took aim at the ground below us, called the flames into both of my hands, and then hauled back. These creatures were abominations to all creation. They were hidden monsters, sole survivors of a race that was supposed to have been wiped out millions of years ago.

I was about to make the legend a reality.

The bronze flames danced wildly in my hands as I unleashed a massive beam straight down into the ground. The earth began to shake, and it took everything I had to keep my balance atop the pine tree.

“Not to be the bearer of bad news,” Oliver chuckled awkwardly, “but they’re almost upon us.”

I held my spell for as long as I could, rocking the earth like a two-point-oh level quake. Finally, I heard the sound I needed to hear …

Cracking ice.

A large wave of snow fell from the top of the mountain’s peak and then rushed toward us with the intensity of a tsunami. The deadly ripples of snow and ice shot down the slopes at nearly one-hundred miles per hour, and there was nothing the Hill Hunters could do but attempt to run away fruitlessly as they were swallowed up in its wake.

Unfortunately, the avalanche was much larger than I’d anticipated, and it looked like we were about to become its next victims.

“Red Hellfire!” I ordered the rest of my team as I released my bronze spell and switched to a crimson one.

Everyone else in the group called forth their incendiary flames as the wall of snow billowed toward us, and then we fired in unison. Our beams of red fire twisted together, and they formed a singular, white-hot blast that fought back against the wave.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t nearly enough to stop it.

Instead of halting the avalanche, the unstoppable tide simply flew up over us and shot past both our sides. It continued on for another two or three minutes before the roaring sound of the snow stopped, and we decast our spell.

“Why didn’t that work?” Raphael asked as he inspected the large cavern we were now trapped in.

“It did,” Cupi explained, “but there was too much snow, and it simply surrounded our position. But our fire was able to stop it from completely engulfing us and created this small pocket of air that will keep us alive.”

“So, we got that goin’ for us,” Todd mumbled sarcastically, “which is nice.”

“Can’t we just blast our way out of here?” I suggested, but Cupi shook her head.

“We could, but it’s very risky,” she explained, “if there’s too much snow above us and we compromise the integrity of this structure, it’s all going to come down on our heads. And I don’t need to explain to you why that’d be bad.”

“So, what’s the alternative?” Libidine asked in frustration. “Just sit here and wait until it all melts?”

“Not exactly,” Deja suggested. “What if I send my spear up through the ceiling? That wouldn’t be enough to compromise the structural integrity, but we could at least see how much snow we’re dealing with.”

“It’s worth a shot,” Raphael agreed as he holstered his revolver, “as much as I do enjoy your company, I’m not exactly a fan of small spaces, particularly those shared with other people.”

Deja summoned black Hellfire into her hands, wrapped it around her chain and spear, and spun it around at her side. Then the beautiful brunette succubus launched the weapon straight up into the roof of the cavern, and we all watched with bated breath as it struck the top and disappeared into the snow. Deja concentrated for a moment, and then she smiled intensely.

“I’m in!” she joked. “Or actually, should I say ‘I’m out.’”

“Alright,” I nodded, “so at least we know it’s a manageable distance. Slowly pull that thing down, and then we can figure out our next move.”

“Right.” Deja nodded, and then she attempted to pull down her chain.

Attempted.

The tan succubus’ eyes went wide as she yanked on her weapon, but it didn’t budge.

“What’s wrong?” Libidine whispered. “Is it stuck?”

“S-Something’s holding onto the other end,” Deja said in horror. “It’s trying to pull my chain upward!”

Fuck. If any of the Hill Hunters survived the avalanche, and they found us down here … we’d be sitting ducks.

“Let them have it,” I hissed.

“Let them have it?” Cupi protested.

“It’s probably one of the raptors, inspecting the terrain after the avalanche,” I explained, “maybe if we just let it go, it’ll take the chain and be on its way. I can always have Ariel make you another one … ”

“I suppose,” Deja sighed, and then she released her chain.

Suddenly, the long weapon rocketed up through the hole it’d created and then disappeared from view.

There was a tense silence as we waited to see if whatever was on the other side had gone away, or if it was deciding to climb down here to fuck us up.

“Yo!” a familiar voice called down from above. “Jacob! Todd! You guys down there? I know this is one of your new girls’ chain and spear … ”

That voice … I couldn’t quite place it, but I knew I’d heard it before. It was very nasally and high-pitched, like Todd’s, only more shrill.

Apparently, Todd recognized it, too, because his mouth dropped open, and he began to make silent shushing gestures.

“Don’t say a word, bro,” he hissed, “I am not dealing with this jabroni again.”

“Come on, compadre,” the voice implored, “don’t leave me hangin.’”

Holy fuck. I realized where I knew the voice from.

It was Chort. The prankster demon, legendary occultist, and bane of Todd’s existence.

We’d found our informant. Or, more accurately, our informant had found us.

And I’d never been happier to see a demon in my fucking life.

Chapter 7

“Hang tight, compadre,” the prankster demon Chort called down through the tiny hole above us, “these avalanches are no bueno. But never fear, the Monster Dong is here!”

“Ughhh.” Todd mimed sticking his finger down his throat. “Can you believe this guy? No wonder he’s isolated himself all the way up here, bro. Who could stand being around that guy twenty-four seven? Everything’s a fucking joke to him, and his zingers aren’t even that clever.”

“I suppose we’ll never know,” Cupiditas said with a sarcastic eye roll.

“Alright, friendos!” Chort called down once more. “I’m just gonna penetrate this tight hole with my hog and, once you see the tip, grab on and I’ll pull you up. I totally have the length for that, and the girth to match.”

“Dick jokes,” Todd scoffed, “how original.”

“He’s obviously fucking with us,” I chuckled, but I had a momentary flight of panic, so I raised my voice. “You’re just fucking with us, right, Chort?”

“I can’t see the look on your face right now,” Chort snickered, “but I’m sure it’s priceless. You guys couldn’t handle the Chortle. Few can.”

“You know ‘Chortle’ totally makes it sound small, bro,” Todd shot back.

“Todd,” Eclipse hissed as she slapped her hand over his mouth. “Please don’t insult the one person who can get us out of here safely, okay?”

The imp gave the tattooed woman a panicked nod, and she released him from her grip.

“In all seriousness, though,” Chort continued, “I’m gonna use my claws to dig you out.”

“Couldn’t that cause a cave-in?” Oliver questioned.

“Not if I take my time, compadre,” the piggish demon called down. “You know my motto, ‘Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you’ll miss it.’”

“You totally stole that from Ferris!” Todd argued and crossed his arms, but we shut him up with a quick glare.

“Anyways,” Chort ignored the imp, “you all just hang tight for a minute, and I’ll have you outta there quicker than my first time.”

“Alright, I’ll admit.” Todd shrugged. “That was kinda funny. But why does everything have to be about sex? Sheesh, change up your material.”

“What exactly is going on here?” Raphael whispered to me.

“Todd and Chort don’t get along,” Cupi explained.

“Not even that,” I snorted. “Todd doesn’t like Chort at all, but Chort’s fine with him.”

“It’s probably because they’re so alike,” Deja giggled, “I haven’t met this ‘Chort’ guy yet, but he sounds a lot like our friend here.”

Todd’s body went rigid, and his head turned around like something out of The Exorcist to give Deja the dirtiest of looks. The imp appeared to be fuming as he undoubtedly ran through every expletive he knew in his mind, but he eventually took a deep breath and calmed himself down.

“Listen here, Clockblocker,” Todd simmered, “me and that hog-nosed, Hornswoggle-looking motherfucker ain’t nothing alike. Ya hear me?”

“Then how do you explain the--” Deja began, but Todd cut her off with a wave of his hand.

“I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.” He frowned. “And here I thought you actually liked me, Clockblocker.”

“Of course I like you!” the tan succubus scoffed. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Cause you’re comparing me to that gray-skinned porker up there,” Todd grumbled, “that’s basically like being compared to Hitler. Actually, no … it’s worse.”

“Perhaps you’re being a tad … overdramatic?” Oliver suggested.

“Come on, Ollie,” Todd snorted, “when has the Toddster ever been overdramatic?”

“Does he really want us to answer that?” Raphael whispered once more.

Suddenly, a large chunk of snow fell from the ceiling, and then Chort’s gray, snouted head poked through the opening.

“Check it out, dudes and dudettes!” he cackled. “You’ve just witnessed the miracle of life, only with a ton less placenta.”

“Vulgar and outdated lingo,” Todd huffed under his breath and then turned to Cupi, “at least this should be a brief visit, my bodacious blonde.”

“Alright, compadres,” the piggish demon announced, “there’s a one-way ticket to freedom, right this way!”

Chort disappeared back through the hole, and then the rest of us made our move.

I summoned my wings and then watched as the rest of my friends did the same, except for Jane and Oliver, who were carried by some of the succubi. One-by-one, they carefully flew up through the hole, single file, and out to freedom until the only ones left down in the pit were Todd and me.

“Do I have to, bro?” the imp sighed. “I think I’d rather just let the avalanche take me.”

“You’ll be fine,” I reassured the imp, “besides, it’s not like we’re going to be here for long. Just long enough to ask this guy where Zeitmann is right now.”

“I shoulda known it was him,” Todd muttered to himself, “who else in the world signs off all of their messages with an eight, followed by a bunch of equal signs and then a ‘D’?”

The imp shook his head, surrounded himself with black Hellfire, floated up into the air, and then out the hole.

Finally, I forced my wings toward the ground, lifted upward, and then launched myself out of the hole. The snowy tunnel was frigid as I passed through, and bits of powdery white material rained down on my body. As I got closer to the top, the tunnel narrowed, and I worried my clunky Caliginian armor might get stuck. Thankfully, my fears were unfounded, and I was back out in the crisp air of the Rockies once again.

“Holy shit!” Chort nearly squealed as he ran over to Raphael and extended his hand. “You’re a fucking Archangel! An honest-to-god fucking Archangel!”

“I-I sure am,” the dark-haired man agreed in a flattered tone. “Pleasure to meet you, Chort.”

“The pleasure’s all mine, Mr. Macho man,” the pig demon laughed. “I’ve heard all about your adventures with Jacob and the band, and even more about all the cool shit you did during the ancient times. That kill you had in the Battle of Purgatory? Fucking legendary, compadre.”

“Thank you!” Raphael was now smiling like an idiot. “I must confess, I’ve never had a fan before. Most of the Divine fans flock to Metatron or Gabriel. And Michael for a brief period of time in the nineties, thanks to some strange movie with Travolta.”

As Raphael shook the pig-faced demon’s hand, Todd’s expression dropped like a lead balloon.

“Todd?” Libidine asked with a sly grin. “Are you jealous of Chort?”

“The Toddster? Jealous?” the imp scoffed. “No such thing. I’m just disgusted Raphey would even touch that jabroni’s hand. It’s probably all clammy. Or warm from pettin’ the ‘ol skin snake. Either way, I bet it’s disgusting.”

“Totally jealous,” Deja whispered.

“So, Chort,” Jane finally spoke up as she stepped forward, “what are you doing all the way out in the Rockies? And why did you require us to make this venture to find you instead of just telling us what we wanted to know?”

“Two reasons, Ms. Brighteyes,” the demon explained as he held up his index finger. “One, I would never, ever give away Zeitmann’s location on the internet. That’s just asking the world shadow government to come find him, throw a bag over his head, and then drive him off to be ‘suicided.’ And that would be no bueno.”

“Very no bueno,” I agreed.

“Secondly,” Chort continued, “it kinda gets lonely up here, ya know? Like, I’ve still got all my compadres on the interwebs, but nothing beats some good ‘ol fashion shooting the shit face-to-face, right? It’s been nothing but me and the Hill Hunters for the last year, and there’s only so much I can communicate through squawks and hisses.”

The entire group went awkwardly silent as we exchanged glares.

“The, uh, Hill Hunters?” I played dumb.

“Well, yeah,” Chort chuckled, “the mighty raptors of the Rockies. They’re totally cool as long as you don’t provoke ‘em. Or wear black. They reaallllly hate the color black for some reason. In fact, I’m surprised they aren’t coming for you right now with all that glowy dark armor.”

“Yeah,” I chuckled awkwardly, “I guess we’re just lucky.”

“Super lucky,” the demon agreed, “but we really shouldn’t press that luck, compadre. I’m gonna take you back to my cabin, and then we can talk about this whole Zeitmann business over some grub and coffee.”

“Why can’t we talk about it now?” Eclipse asked with crossed arms.

“Seriously,” Todd added, “I’m with Lizbeth here. Sure, we could go back to your rickety little shack and eat your maggot-filled bread or whatever the fuck you got up there, but we’ve got places to be.”

“Rickety shack?” Chort pursed his light pink lips, and his pointed ears fell back on his head. “What are you talking about, compadre? I live in the goddamn Maserati of cabins. But don’t take my word for it, let me show you.”

The pig-faced demon turned and then began to scurry off due east.

“Just humor him,” I sighed to the rest of the team. “He wants some friends, and he’s our only ticket to finding Zeitmann. If that means we have to eat moldy cheese while dodging leaks from a half-destroyed roof, then so be it.”

“Fine.” Todd frowned. “But just for the record, I’m gonna smack a bitch if he tries to tell me Macho Man Randy Savage is better than the Hulkster again.”

“Fair enough.” I shook my head with amusement, and then I turned to follow Chort.

The nine of us hiked through the snow for about another mile, until we came to the peak of the mountain. Once we crossed over to the other side, we saw Chort’s cabin in all its glory.

The demon wasn’t lying. It was a really fucking nice cabin.

The entire thing was nestled against the mountainside, down the slope from where we were and nestled across a small ravine. It was a two-story cabin that must have been at least fifty feet wide and equally as tall. It had a green metal roof with brown detailing, and the log siding appeared to be made out of pure cherry wood. Several circular windows made up the facade of the building along with two dark red doors, and the structure was topped off by an oversized porch with an overhanging ceiling.

“Why is it across a ravine?” Libidine asked. “That doesn’t exactly seem like the most convenient place for a dwelling.”

“Oh contraire, friendo.” Chort clicked his tongue. “For this part of the world, it’s a perfect location. Notice how it’s still standing after that freak avalanche? That would be thanks to the big, gaping hole in front of it. Or as I like to call it, the slutty moat.”

“Slutty moat?” Cupi asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, yeah,” Chort giggled, “it’s a giant hole that’s been filled with white stuff over and over again, but keeps on going like a bottomless pit. And, like most women I’ve encountered, it doesn’t even acknowledge my existence.”

We stomped through the powdery snow until we finally arrived at Chort’s doorstep. The tiny, gray-skinned demon whipped out an iron key from his pocket, turned it in the door, and then opened it with a loud creak.

As we stepped inside, I couldn’t help but laugh.

The piggish demon had hyped up his dwelling as if it was going to be some secluded shack cut off from society and on the verge of crumbling. However, this fucking thing almost put my mansion to shame.

The “cabin” was built in an open concept, with pointed ceilings that stretched up nearly twenty feet into the air and were supported with a series of large, stained wooden beams. The upper floor of the home was a mezzanine style, where it only took up half of the overall floorspace and had a bannister that let you look out over the first floor. Just off to the left was a kitchen with a stainless steel fridge and marble counters, topped off with a giant table made to look like it was crafted from a tree trunk sawed in half.

On the other side of the cabin was a full-on bachelor pad, complete with a seventy-inch TV, a pool table, a few vintage arcade machines, and a built-in bar wall.

“How in the fuck did you even get all this shit out here?” I questioned as I looked around at the space before us.

“When it comes to Chort, all things are possible,” the demon snickered. “Make yourselves at home, compadres, and I’ll whip us up some grub. Just, uh, word of advice … don’t go upstairs. Trust me, your eyes and your minds will thank you for that. Toodles.”

Chort rushed off to the kitchen area of the cabin, threw open the cabinets, and then began to rummage through them like a madman. The demon whistled a familiar tune as he began to pull items out of his fridge and then proceeded to prepare whatever meal he was planning on serving us.

“Can you believe this shit?” Todd whispered. “What happened to ‘living ruggedly in nature?’ This dude’s a total fraud and a complete tool, bro.”

“I think he’s quite humorous,” Raphael admitted with a shrug. “It’s about time we had some comic relief in our group.”

Todd’s mouth hung open as an expression of pure hurt spread across his face. He looked at me as he motioned to Raph, then turned back to the Archangel and motioned at me, and repeated the wide-eyed process three more times before his shoulders finally slumped and he hung his head in defeat.

“Come on, Todd,” Libidine comforted the imp with a hand on his shoulder, “I bet I can kick your butt at Donkey Kong.”

“Lib?” Todd gasped as his face brightened a bit. “The Toddster is the king of the Kong. You’re on!”

Libidine and the imp dashed off to the arcade machines as the rest of my team tried to make heads or tails of the situation.

“I don’t know about you guys,” Jane announced as she strutted toward the back wall, “but I’m hitting the bar. He said ‘make yourself at home,’ and it’s not home without a good glass of rum and coke in my hand.”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself,” I chuckled, “though I’m not a big rum guy. Whiskey’s more my scene.”

“I don’t understand how you can drink that stuff whatsoever.” Raphael frowned and crossed his arms. “Alcohol is the devil’s drink.”

“Well, I am the son of Lucifer, soooooo … ” I chuckled as I followed Jane over to the bar.

Oliver, Eclipse, Deja, and Cupi were right behind me, but Raphael sat down on the edge of the pool table and scowled.

“Won’t you be joining us, Raphael?” Oliver beckoned, but the Archangel just shook his head.

“The Divine are forbidden from drinking,” he explained, “aside from communion wine, of course.”

“You always were the goodie two-shoes,” Cupi prodded with a smirk, “other than when it came to human women, of course.”

Raph frowned at Cupi’s words, and he raised an accusatory finger.

“I’m not a goodie two-shoes,” he shot back, “I just know where to draw the line. As well as how to keep my extracurricular activities hidden. Not all of us knew how to do that, obviously.”

“Wooooooowwwww,” Cupi grumbled as she shook her head with amusement. “Low blow, Raph. Low blow.”

“I think we all need some drinks,” Eclipse spoke up from the other side of the bar, “we’ve had a really long journey, and it sounds like we need to take off some of the edge.”

“I’ll drink to that!” Deja giggled. “Does anyone know how to make a Sex on the Beach?”

“I definitely know that one.” I winked at the tan succubus.

“Great,” Deja retorted as she pulled two bottles from the wall, “here’s the vodka and schnapps. Get mixing.”

That definitely wasn’t what I meant, but I wasn’t going to deny the beautiful woman her request. So, I found a tumbler glass, mixed the vodka and schnapps together, and then searched around the mini fridge until I found orange and cranberry juice. Finally, I mixed it all into a singular concoction, plopped a few ice cubes into the glass, and passed it to Deja.

The succubus picked it up hesitantly, held the edge of the glass to her lips, and took a sip. Then she gulped down nearly a quarter of the drink in a single swallow before she set it down, licked her lips, and made a “yum” sound.

“Not bad for my first time, huh?” I joked.

“Not bad at all,” Deja mused. “I propose Jacob makes all of our drinks from now on!”

“I second that.” Cupi smiled and raised her glass of scotch.

“Thirded,” Eclipse added as she poured a bit of Jagermesiter into a copper cup.

“What exactly are ya making there?” I asked and raised an eyebrow at the tattooed succubus.

“Jaeger Mule,” she explained. “It’s like a Moscow Mule, but with Jaeger instead of vodka.”

“That sounds … awful,” I admitted.

Eclipse just shrugged and then took a sip of the drink.

“I like my dark liquor,” she shot back, “sue me.”

“There’s no shame in liking the dark stuff,” Oliver chimed in, “I myself indulge in a glass of bourbon every now and again. But it’s been a long journey, so I think I’ll settle for something a bit more light.”

The white-haired cultist had a corkscrew in his hand as he surveyed Chort’s shelf of wines. Finally, he made an “aha” sound and pulled out a bottle of dark red. Oliver popped it open with the corkscrew, poured it into a glass, and swirled it around in front of his nose as he savored its scent. Then he took a swig, rolled his eyes back in his head, and let out a deep sigh.

“Good?” I chuckled as I poured myself a glass of whiskey.

“Incredible!” Oliver corrected with a broad grin. “Our friend Chort has spared no expense.”

“Leave the Jurassic Park jokes for me, Ollie!” Todd warned from his spot in front of the Donkey Kong machine.

“You sure you don’t want some, Raph?” I asked the Archangel once more.

“This wine is to die for,” Oliver added, “also, if you don’t get over here soon, I may just drink the whole bottle myself.”

“I-It’s forbidden,” Raphael protested weakly.

“Fine.” Jane smirked as she set down her glass.

The brunette cultist dashed out to the kitchen, where she then began to have an indiscernible conversation with Chort. The next thing we knew, she ran back into the room with a handful of crackers. Then she placed one in each of our hands and held her own piece up in the air in a toast.

“This is terrible,” I whistled under my breath when I realized what she was about to do.

“There,” Jane stated with a waggle of her hips, “now you can pretend you’re taking communion. See? Body and blood and all that.”

Raphael reluctantly walked over to the rest of the group, took a spare glass from the bar top, and poured a dab of wine into it. He then placed the cracker in his mouth, took a swig of the wine, and swallowed.

“Well, I’d better hope this device on my head really does work in Hell,” he joked, “because that’s straight where I’m going after this little excursion. Though I must say … that wine is really good.”

“Isn’t it?” Oliver agreed as he poured more into the Archangel’s glass. “Please, take some more.”

Raphael looked down at the cherry red liquid in his hand, shrugged, and gulped it all down like a frat boy chugging a beer.

“Easy there, Raph,” I chuckled. “You gotta pace yourself.”

“I am pacing myself,” he protested as he waved for another glass, “I’m only drinking one at a time, aren’t I?”

“Makes sense to me,” Cupi snickered. “Drink ‘till your heart’s content, Raph.”

The team continued to shoot the shit as we waited on Chort and took swigs of our alcohol.

Well, Raph was a different story. Within the first ten minutes, the angel had already slammed down four glasses of wine, and I could tell he was getting a bit tipsy. The Archangel was a hardcore lightweight, and I was starting to wonder if I needed to cut him off.

“Can Archangels get alcohol poisoning?” I whispered to Jane.

“I-I hearrrd that!” Raphael accused as he stumbled over to me and held his finger in my face. “I know when I’ve had enough vine. Er, rind. W-wine! I know when I’ve had enough wine, and I’m nowhere even close to being inebriashoned.”

“Inebriated?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

“That’s what I said,” Raph concurred before he made a sloppy, sweeping gesture with his arm. “Keep the wine flowing, Oliver!”

Raph smashed two more glasses before he started to stumble around and wobble. His demeanor began to fluctuate between dead silence and loud, boastful statements, and I could tell he was about as far gone as he could be.

So, the next time he went for the bottle, I pushed his arm down gently.

“Easy there, man,” I chuckled, “I think it’s time for the bartender to cut you off.”

“I told you, Jacob,” he slurred, “I’m far from drunk. In fact, I could fly through a fucking tsunami right now and be fine.”

There were audible gasps throughout the room. Did Raphael, the Archangel, just swear?

“Atta boy, Raphey!” Todd exclaimed with a twinge of pride. “You’re makin’ the Toddster proud, bro.”

“Did I just say ‘fuck?’” Raph placed his hand over his mouth, and his eyes widened in horror. “Shit. Damn. Fuck!”

I bit my lip as I tried to hold back my laughter, but Todd was already in stitches. The imp cackled wildly as he doubled over and slapped his knee repeatedly, and then he wiped away a tear from his eyes as he approached.

“You just made my millenium, Raphey boy,” he giggled and then patted the Archangel on the back.

The sudden impact caused Raphael to stumble forward and then fall across the bar top like a ragdoll. He pulled himself up off the table, turned back around to Todd, and furrowed his brow.

“D-don’t- hic! Don’t do that,” he warned, “I might not be drunk, but this alcohol has c-certainly thrown off my equilibrium.”

“You mean balance?” Todd snickered.

“Whatever,” Raph muttered as he sat down on the bar stool and leaned his head back. “W-When did I get so tired?”

Before anyone could answer, Raphael’s eyes closed for a brief second, and it looked like he was going to pass out right then and there.

“Alright, compadres!” Chort announced as he walked back into the room wearing a tiny apron. “I invite you to relax and pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents … your dinner!”

“Fucking movie quotes,” Todd whispered, “and outdated ones to boot. Does this guy have an original bone in his fucking body?”

“I dunno?” I shot back. “What do you think about the Predator?”

“He’s one uhgly mothafucka,” Todd said in an Arnold voice and then shrugged, “what’s your point, bro?”

I just smiled and shook my head amusedly.

“Let’s go eat,” I announced to my friends before I nodded to Raph. “Uh, maybe somebody should help him get out there.”

Eclipse and Cupi walked over to each side of the Archangel, wrapped an arm around their necks, and then supported him as they made their way to the dining room.

“Oh, wow,” Raph slurred, “you are both quite strong. Your lack of muscles really doesn’t do you justice.”

“Keep talking,” Cupi warned. “The floor here looks really comfortable.”

“No, it doesn’t,” the Archangel guffawed, “it’s all wooden and cold and ohhhhhhhh, I understand. Shutting up now.”

The Archangel stopped talking, but he then started to involuntarily hiccup as he was guided over to the dining room.

“I hope you guys brought your appetites,” Chort boasted, “because I really went all out with this one. Observe!”

As the dining room came into view, my stomach gurgled hungrily. There were four large, wooden bowls spread out across the table, and each one was filled with a different dish that looked ten times better than it probably was.

The first was a bowl of silvery fish, still complete with their heads and tails but split open so the meat inside could be cooked to perfection. The silver scales on their sides glistened with oil in the light of the cabin, and they were dotted every now and again by a crispy brown spot of char from the oven. The fish were also encircled by lemon wedges and then topped off with a variety of sprinkled herbs.

Then there was a bowl full of large sausages, and each one pooled in its own grease and was singed by the grill they were cooked on. Right next to that was a dish that looked like some sort of hamburger slathered in chili sauce and covered with warm, gooey cheese.

“Trout, elk sausage, and a buncha sloppers,” Chort explained proudly. “All hand made.”

“Sloppers?” Todd gagged as he inspected the food. “That sounds way too pornographic for me, bro.”

“It’s just a burger covered with chili, my man,” the piggish demon replied and waved his hand. “Never had one till I moved out here, and now I’ll never go back to eating ‘em plain.”

“What’s this one?” Libidine asked as she hungrily stared down at the last bowl.

Inside was a pile of breaded, fried morsels. They were about the size of large mushrooms, but with a surface area that was spread out and frilled, and next to them sat a small saucer of cocktail sauce.

“Oh, those?” Chort mused. “Those are fresh Rocky Mountain Oysters. Muy deliciouso, compadres.”

“Shit, bro,” Todd whistled as he ran over and picked up a handful of the “oysters” with one hand and the bowl of cocktail sauce with the other. “I haven’t had good seafood in foreeeever.”

“Todd,” I warned, “I don’t think you want to--”

Before I could stop him, the imp tossed the handful of Rocky Mountain Oysters into his mouth, chewed for a few seconds, and then poured half the container of cocktail sauce in with it. He swished the concoction around in his mouth briefly, and then he swallowed it all down with a hearty gulp.

“Damn,” he smacked his lips, “those were really fucking good, bro. Say … where do you find oysters up here, anyway? You said they were fresh, but don’t those usually come from like, the ocean or some shit?”

“They’re not real oysters,” Chort snickered as he tossed a piece into his mouth. “We just call them that. I got those from one of the wild bulls that roams down by the base of the mountain.”

“A bull?” Todd quirked his head to the side in confusion. “Is that some sorta slang for one of the lakes around here?”

“Nah, Toddy,” the pig demon continued, “I’m talkin’ a real-life, honest-to-god bull. Like, a boy cow. Though I’m not sure if I can consider him a boy any more … ”

“I’m not following, bro,” Todd admitted as he casually tossed another Rocky Mountain Oyster into his mouth.

Suddenly, drunk Raphael busted out into a fit of giggles, and as we all looked over at the Archangel, his snickers turned into a full on guffaw.

“T-Todd just ate bull balls!” he cackled for a moment, but then his eyes went wide, and he covered his mouth with his hand.

Before any of us could respond, Raphael shot to his feet, ran off to a nearby trash can, pulled it up to his face, and unloaded his guts into it violently. As he rolfed, Deja walked up and gave him a comforting pat on the back, even though her face was contorted in disgust.

“There, there,” she reassured the Archangel. “Let it all out … We’ll get you a Tylenol, some water, and a cold compress later, and by tomorrow this will all be a bad dream…”

“Whoawhoa, whoaaaaaaaa,” Todd interjected, “what’d Raphey just say? Bull balls? Is that some sorta exotic clam that only lives around these parts?”

“Nope,” Chort shook his head, “bull balls. Cajones. The testicles of a bull, seasoned, battered, and fried.”

Todd’s expression dropped as he listened to Chort’s explanation, and he placed his hand on his stomach queasily and let out a belch of disgust.

“I … ate … testicles?” The imp was in disbelief. “Please, Hornswoggle … Please tell me I didn’t just put literal balls in my body.”

“I’m afraid so, compadre,” Chort shrugged, “I dunno what you’re worried about, though. These things are fucking delicious! And if loving them makes me gay, then I guess it’s time to buy a banana yellow Mazda Miata and move to West Hollywood!”

Chort picked up another handful of the Rocky Mountain Oysters, tossed them into his mouth, and then chewed loudly. One of the “oysters” flopped out of his mouth and flapped against his bottom lip as he chomped, but he quickly slurped it down his gullet as if it were a spaghetti noodle.

Meanwhile, Todd’s eyes were wider than I’d ever seen them as he dry heaved.

“Holy shit, I ate testicles!” he gagged and then ran over to where Raph was vomiting. “Move over, Raphey, this ain’t a drill! The Toddster’s straightness hangs in the balance.”

“I don’t think he’s done yet,” Deja warned, but Todd was already shoving his finger down his throat.

“Nohomonohomonohomonohomo!” he exclaimed as he tried to induce vomiting. “I literally just had balls in my mouth, bro. I dunno if I’ll ever be able to come back from that.”

Finally, Todd must have hit his sweet spot. His whole body froze before he heaved and then shoved his face right beside Raph’s in the trash can. Raph and Todd pushed each other back and forth as they both tried to keep their guts from spilling outside of the waste bin, and Deja just shook her head in disbelief.

I walked over to the table, summoned purple Hellfire into my hands, and then put up a wall between the vomiters and the rest of us.

“Temporary fix,” I explained, but Todd and Raph’s combined gags seemed to drown me out. “Let’s eat, I guess.”

The succubi, cultists, and myself sat down around the half-log table as Chort began to walk around and pass out plates and silverware. Once he was done, he took his seat at the head of the table, pulled off his robe, and bowed his head.

“Alright, let us pray,” he began.

We all exchanged confused looks as the demon remained deep in thought.

“Is he serious?” Libidine mouthed silently.

I threw my hands up in the air and shook my head.

Finally, Chort opened one eye to look at us, and a large grin spread up his face.

“Pfffffft!” he cackled and tossed back his head. “I’m just fucking with you, compadre! I dunno about you, but I have no intentions of bursting into flames today.”

The gray-skinned demon picked up the bowl of fish, plucked two of them from inside, and tossed them on his plate. He then passed the bowl to Cupi, who repeated the action. Soon, all four of the bowls had been distributed between the eight of us who were currently at the table.

Everything may have looked good before, but it smelled even better up close. Fuck, I even considered taking a bite of the Rocky Mountain Oysters before I realized what I was thinking.

“Not to be rude,” Cupi spoke up as she held up a bit of slopper to her mouth, “but how did you get all these ingredients? These aren’t exactly things you can forage.”

“Of course not, blondie,” Chort grinned, “there’s a Costco like, an hour away from here. We might be way up high in the mountains, but it’s not like I set up shop on the fucking moon. People just don’t come out this way and, if they do, they don’t stay very long.”

“Why’s that?” Libidine asked curiously through a mouthful of trout.

“Because of the Hill Hunters,” Chort replied and made his voice sound much deeper and more threatening than usual. “Humans have been trying to settle down in this area for centuries, but it never works out. The first ones here always get gobbled up by my little raptor compadres.”

“The raptors are your compadres?” I asked as I stealthily placed my hand over the blood stain on my armor.

“Not really,” he shrugged, “more of a ‘good neighbor.’ I keep to myself all the time, plus the Government Agents who come up here to try and find me always make great snacks for the little fellas. Circle of life and all that.”

Chort raised up one of the trout like a baby as he said the words and then let out a garbled “hakuka these-tatas” before he tossed it into his mouth.

“We should probably tell him,” Jane whispered.

“We shall do no such thing,” Oliver shot back, “not until he gives us the information we need to know.”

“I think we should be honest with him,” Deja hissed.

“Especially if they were his friends.” Liby frowned.

“Ohhhhh, I love secrets!” Chort giggled as he leaned in closer to the rest of the group. “I’ll go first. I don’t sleep in the nude, even though I beat it every single night!”

“That’s … not a secret?” Oliver questioned, but Chort continued.

“I’m a demon who’s also a paranormal expert,” the piggish demon continued, “but I’m still not one-hundred percent convinced Bigfoot exists. Now, you go!”

“Hey, it looks like we’ve got two more table mates!” I changed the subject as I waved at Todd and Raphael, who were now approaching. “You both feeling better?”

“I dunno, bro,” Todd sighed as he pulled up a chair, “I’m no expert, but I don’t think you can vomit the gay away. I think I might be converted, all thanks to that little piggy over there.”

“Bro.” I rolled my eyes. “Let me ask you this … What did you think of the WWE match between Tris Stratus and Lita that happened a few years ago?”

“Ohhh, that was the best fucking thing in the world.” Todd grinned. “Two hot babes, pulling each others’ hair and slapping the shit outta each other … rolling around on top of each other with their mouths ever-so-close to touching … ”

“Don’t forget the skimpy clothing,” I reminded him.

Suddenly, Todd looked down, and his face lit up.

“Not gay, bro!” he exclaimed as he pumped his fists in the air. “Look out, ladies, because the Toddster’s still available and DTF.”

“Diddling the fleshlight?” Chort snickered.

“Down to fuck, bro,” Todd shot back.

“Who, me?” the pig-demon snorted. “I don’t swing that way, compadre, but there’s no problem being gay. Different strokes and all.”

“I hate this fucking guy,” Todd grumbled under his breath as he plopped some sausages down onto his plate.

“What was this I heard about telling secrets?” Raphael slurred as he sat down with his ass halfway off the seat. “Because I’ve got a couple of doozies … ”

“Secrets from an Archangel?” Chort’s eyes lit up. “Do tell.”

There was a panicked silence in the room as Raphael rapped on his chin and tried to think of what secret he wanted to spill first.

Maybe he was too drunk to remember we killed all the Hill Hunters, and he would say something completely different?

Or, maybe I just needed to change the subject again.

“So, Chort,” I interrupted, “we didn’t come all this way out here to just talk about our dirty little secrets.”

“Oh, right!” Chort smacked his forehead. “You wanna know about the Z-man.”

“That’s right,” Jane nodded, “Todd says you know where John Zeitmann is located, and we needed to know yesterday.”

“Why such a fuss over the Z-man?” Chort’s eyes narrowed. “You’re not with the government, are you?”

“No fucking way, bro!” Todd shot back. “The day I side with the government is the day I fucking die and they bring me back as an android to fight in their interdimensional takeover. Of course, then I’ll meet some hot human chick, fall in love, and accidentally create the savior of mankind. But that’s not the point! We’re totally clean.”

“How do I know you’re not BPI?” the demon continued. “If you’re with those wankers, there’s no way I’m selling out Johnny boy like that.”

“The BPI?” I asked aloud.

“Bureau of Paranormal Investigations,” Chort and Todd said at the same time.

“That’s not a real thing.” I shook my head.

“That’s what ‘The Man’ wants you to think, Jakey,” Todd scoffed. “But even so, we ain’t no snitches. I may not like you, Hornswoggle, but the Toddster’s got a strict code he follows … Demons before He-Mans.”

“Hellspawns before Voltrons?” Chort asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Hellraisers before Fraisers.” Todd nodded and made an “x” across his heart.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Eclipse questioned in awe.

“It’s the paranormal bro-code, Lizbeth,” Todd sighed, “the different characters from eighties pop culture represent the over-commercialization and indoctrination the government put into our TVs during that decade.”

“Yeah, geez, Lizbeth,” Chort added. “Get with the program.”

“We don’t want to hurt him or anything, if that’s what you’re suggesting,” I reassured the piggish demon. “We just want to talk to Zeitmann about a few things. Particularly, his role as a harbinger of the potential apocalypse.”

“Z-man? The harbinger of the apocalypse?” Chort snorted. “Now I think I’ve heard it all, compadre.”

“It’s--hic--true,” Raphael added. “He’s been going around lately citing verses from the Book of Retaliation. Er, Retribution. Revelations. The Book of Revelations.”

“I know that.” The demon shrugged. “But what does that have anything to do with the end of the world?”

The combination of a drunken Raphael, Oliver, Cupi, and I spent the next twenty minutes or so explaining everything that had been going on in Heaven and Hell recently, from the death of all these Demon Kings, to the decision to cut me off from the Divine, to even the trivial shit, like how we rearranged the different Circles to be less evil and torture-filled.

“This’ll all make some great content for my new blog,” Chort said as he made a fake frame with his fingers. “Mornings with tha Chort. It’s gonna be epic, compadre.”

“How original,” Todd grumbled, “any jabroni with half a brain can make their own blog or podcast. It’s not a coronation-worthy event, ya know.”

“Honestly, I don’t care if you put all this information on your blog,” I admitted, “we just need to know where Zeitmann is so we can talk to him and stop the apocalypse from happening.”

I wasn’t lying. Even if Chort started his little blog and it blew up, it was going to be read by paranormal fanatics who were already super far down the rabbit hole. It’d just be another voice to add to the white noise of their lives, nothing too dangerous.

“Fine,” Chort finally conceded, “I’ll tell you where Z-man is. But if I find out you guys killed him or had him arrested by the Feds, I’m gonna be really pissed, ya hear?”

“We won’t hurt him,” I promised.

Chort let out a deep sigh, finished off his final bite of sausage, and then leaned back in his chair.

“So, it’s obviously on the down-low right now,” he began, “but Zeitmann’s gonna be signing autographs at the annual Paranorma-phernalia down in Tampa Bay this year.”

“Johnny’s gonna be at the ‘Nalia?” Todd gasped. “Fuck, I’ve always wanted to go to that.”

“Well, now’s your chance,” Chort said with a small bow. “Z-man’s down there right now. The ‘Nalia doesn’t start until Saturday, so you could probably still make it down there in time to catch him.”

“Then it looks like we’re going to Florida.” I nodded. “Thank you, Chort.”

“Especially for the food,” Libidine chimed in, “I didn’t know you were such a good chef. Gula would be proud.”

“Aww,” Chort said through faux embarrassment, “you’re gonna make me blush.”

“Is that even possible?” Todd scoffed and crossed his arms. “Or do you just turn an even sicklier shade of gray?”

“The ladies love the gray, compadre,” Chort mused. “They say it has a certain … je ne sais quoi.”

“Now you’re just making up words.” The imp rolled his eyes. “And that’s probably our cue to be hitting the ‘ol snowy trail. Thanks for almost making me gay, bro.”

“Don’t leave yet!” Chort frowned. “It’s almost dark out there. Plus, there’s a whiteout blizzard I saw heading this way. Aaaaand, there’s a bunch of freaky, deadly shit that comes out around here at night.”

“The Hill Hunters?” Todd scoffed and then shook his head. “Imma tell him, Jakey. I’m about ta tell him.”

“Not just the Hill Hunters,” Chort warned, “there’s also wolves, bears, wampuses, howlers, and yetis.”

“I thought you said you didn’t believe in Bigfoot?” Deja questioned.

“Bigfoot is totally different than the yeti,” the piggish demon argued. “One’s a eight-foot tall primate with white fur that lives in the mountains, and the other is an eight-foot tall primate with brown fur that lives in the forest. Totally different creatures, Deja Vu.”

“The Hill Hunters!” Rapahel drunkenly exclaimed. “That’s what I was going to tell you. They’re all dead! We killed them on our way in.”

Chort raised an eyebrow and cocked his head to the side. Then he stared at the Archangel for an extremely awkward and tense few moments, but he finally clicked his tongue and smiled.

“Man, you really are wasted,” Chort chuckled, “all the more reason to stay here and chill for the night. Mi casa es su casa, compadres.”

“But … but … ” Todd muttered as he tried to think of any reason not to stay. “I thought you said the upstairs are forbidden? Where are we supposta crash?”

“The upstairs may be no touchy,” Chort explained, “but I’ve got a basement in this crib that is doooooope. It’s got two separate rooms, plus a pullout couch. Then there’s the couch up here, which is actually really fucking comfortable. You can crash here for the night, I’ll put on some Slayer, we’ll play some video games, maybe join Raphey here in his sloshed-ness … It’ll be a great time, compadres.”

How could we say no to that? If we really had a few days until the convention, it wouldn’t hurt to stay here for the night. Besides, if we left we’d just be driving out there, anyways.

And with the blizzard we were supposed to get tonight, mixed with the darkness and slick roads, it was probably safer to wait until morning.

“We’ll stay.” I smiled at the demon.

“We’re staying?” Todd groaned.

“Excellent!” Chort cackled as he jumped up on the table and played the air guitar. “I’ll go see if I can find the other controllers for my Xbox. You’re not gonna regret this, I promise!”

Chort dashed off toward the staircase as we heard his heavy footsteps thundering throughout the cabin.

“Seriously, bro?” Todd sighed.

“He’s right,” I argued. “It’d be dumb to go out there with the weather being like that. Plus, with Raphael in that condition? It’s better to just hole up here until morning.”

Todd looked around at all of us like he wanted to protest, but then he finally crossed his tiny arms across his chest.

“Fine,” he grumbled, “but if he calls me ‘compadre’ one more time, bro … ”

“I think it sounds like a lovely time,” Oliver admitted, “I haven’t played a video game since the Atari days. Do they still have such marvelous graphics?”

“Ten times better,” Raphael explained in a stupor, “up in Heaven, we’ve got this thing called the ‘Nintendo.’ It actually has four buttons!”

“Four buttons?” Oliver gasped. “How strange. It may take me awhile to learn that, but I’ll spend all night if I must.”

“Oh, boy.” Todd facepalmed. “It looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me, bro. As much as I’d love to go and lock myself away in one of the rooms for the next twelve hours, I can’t just leave these guys out to dry like that. It’s my natural duty to teach people the power of the video game, bro.”

“I wish to help, as well,” Cupiditas giggled. “Libidine and I were once naive, non-game-players at one point until Todd showed us the way. We’d be doing both of them a disservice if we didn’t help.”

“I’m probably gonna go out on the balcony and take in the view,” Deja sighed longingly. “It’s no SoCal, but it’s still beautiful.”

“I think I’m going to turn in,” Eclipse noted with a yawn. “It’s been a long, exhausting day.”

“I’m probably headed that way, as well,” Jane admitted. “Not that I don’t enjoy the company of Chort, but, well, it’s a bit much.”

“Agreed.” Eclipse nodded as her violet eyes looked at me playfully, “I think we could both use some stress relief. How about you, Jacob?”

“Sure.” I felt my pants tighten when I realized what the tattooed woman was suggesting. Then Jane and Eclipse both gave me a knowing glance before they sauntered off toward the stairs and walked down them with a sexy sashay.

“Welp,” Todd chuckled, “I know what Jakey’s gonna be doing. Just be careful, bro … Obviously you’re more experienced with those bazongas than I am, but if ya don’t watch out, you could totally be suffocated between a pair of that size. It would be a glorious death, but a death nonetheless.”

“I’ll be careful,” I chuckled, and then I headed downstairs to follow the two women.

Another reason I didn’t want to leave quite yet … I couldn’t really have any alone time with my women in a car full of people.

But now, it was just me, Eclipse, and Jane.

I was starting to like this decision more and more by the minute.

Chapter 8

I couldn’t contain my excitement as I thundered down the stairs of Chort’s cabin into the basement. The second my feet left the final step, I began to hurriedly pull off my armor as I walked.

The breastplate was the easiest to remove, which was ironic because it was always the hardest to put on. Next came my gauntlets, then my boots, and then my greaves and gorget. By the time I got to the doorway of the guest bedroom, I was in nothing but a plain white t-shirt and a pair of tight gray sweatpants.

When I finally entered through the threshold of the bedroom, my heart skipped a beat.

Jane and Eclipse were both already in there waiting for me.

“Took you long enough,” Jane smirked, “I was worried we were going to have to get started without you.”

“I wouldn’t have minded.” I winked, stepped into the room, and closed the door behind me. “I would have just joined in when you found a stopping point.”

“You know me, Jacob,” Eclipse purred, “I have no stopping point. And I hope, for our sakes, you don’t either.”

Eclipse’s nipples were rock hard as they poked through her tight white shirt, ready to be fondled and sucked and whatever other fucking dirty things I wanted to do to them. Then the tattooed beauty reached down, grabbed the bottom of her wife beater, and pulled it over her head in one motion. As she tossed her shirt to the side, she revealed her massive breasts with their pert, thick nipples.

My cock throbbed in my pants at the sight of the topless, tattooed goddess.

“Oh, wow,” Jane gasped. “I think those may be bigger than mine.”

“I don’t believe you,” Eclipse purred, “Superbia has told me what you’re hiding under there, and it sounds anything but small.”

“I never said ‘small.’” Jane winked as she reached down for the belt on her robe. “I just said ‘smaller than yours.’”

Jane unbuckled the belt, tossed it to the side, and then removed her navy blue robe. Her pristine, beautiful body popped out from beneath the garment with her giant, curvaceous breasts and tender slit that was covered with just a tasteful amount of chocolate-colored hair.

As her robe fell away, Eclipse let out a gasp.

“I don’t know,” she admitted with a shrug, “I think you might have me beat.”

“Let’s find out,” Jane cooed as she strutted over to the topless woman, pulled her in close, and made sure to press their breasts against each other.

Jane inspected both pairs of breasts thoughtfully. She ran her hand along the sides, cupped them tenderly, and even gave them a good squeeze a few times. Finally, she turned back to me and shrugged.

“I can’t tell,” she admitted. “Jacob? You get to be the judge.”

My cock shot to attention, and I worried I was going to tear a hole straight through the front of my pants. I walked over to where the two women were standing, placed one hand on Eclipse’s waist and the other on Jane’s breast, and began to rub gently. Then I moved my fingers across Jane’s nipples, and I stopped to tweak them gently between my thumb and index finger.

The brunette cultist let out a moan of satisfaction as her bright blue eyes nearly glowed in the light. Suddenly, she threw her hand around the back of my head and pulled me in for a kiss.

I hadn’t made love to Jane in months, but her kiss tasted just as sweet as the first and last times we’d been together.

As our tongues explored each other’s mouths, I felt Eclipse’s hand wander down below my belt and into my pants. The tattooed succubus grasped my erection firmly and then began to tug in short, small bursts like she was trying to start a lawnmower.

I groaned to let her know I liked her gusto, and then I felt Jane enter the fray, as well.

Jane and Eclipse’s hands met on my erection, and both the girls let out a gasp.

“Great minds must think alike.” Jane smirked as she pulled away.

“Then you already know what I’m thinking next, don’t you?” Eclipse teased.

I didn’t know what either of them were thinking, but I was looking forward to it. My cock was now harder than a sledgehammer left out in the cold, and it was anticipating whatever these two were about to throw at it.

Eclipse moved away from us and then slowly began to pull down her panties. She had a beautiful, Celtic-style flower tattoo just above her pussy, and I couldn’t help but stare at the intricate artwork.

“Is that new?” I asked excitedly.

“It is,” she purred, “I thought you’d like it. It also doubles as a sign telling you where to go.”

“I already know where to go.” I grinned as I pulled away from Jane.

I walked over to Eclipse with haste, wrapped my arms under her curvy ass, and picked her up into the air. She giggled with excitement as I carried her over to the bed, tossed her down gently, and then fumbled with my belt. Within seconds, my pants were off, and my rock-hard dick was staring down at her pussy.

Eclipse bit her lip as she watched my cock slowly move toward her tender slit, but I didn’t go in right away. Instead, I rubbed the length of my manhood straight across her clitoris.

“Oh, shit,” she moaned and gripped into the bed.

The tattooed woman’s body quivered beneath me, almost as if she were silently begging me to stop the teasing and just fuck her already.

Thankfully, Jane was quick to oblige.

The cultist’s large breasts pressed firmly up against my back as she reached down and took my dick in her hands. Then she guided it to the opening between Eclipse’s legs, wiggled it into place, and slid me into the succubus.

Eclipse and I both groaned excitedly as our bodies became one.

“There … ” Jane whispered into my ear. “Now, we’re getting this party started.”

I thrusted in and out of Eclipse slowly at first, and I only increased my speed when she tensed up. Then the succubus reached up, wrapped both her legs around my waist, and pulled me into her as deep as I could go.

I nearly exploded when I felt myself bottom out against her cervix, but I was able to keep it together.

I wasn’t done yet. Not by a long shot.

Jane crawled over to Eclipse, laid down beside her in the bed, and then stimulated her clitoris. The succubus arched her back and moaned deeply, but her sounds were quickly cut off by Jane’s lips pressing against her own. Then the two beautiful women made out intensely as I continued to pound into the tattooed woman and hold back my ever-increasing desire to orgasm.

The next thing I knew, Jane threw her right leg up over Eclipse’s body and pulled herself on top of the succubus. Jane’s curvy, thick ass was now just above Eclipse’s waist, and it jiggled like a water balloon with each thrust I made.

Meanwhile, Eclipse’s tight tunnel was gripping my cock like a vice, and I could tell she was also growing closer to the edge.

Maybe it was time for a break.

I pulled my dick out of Eclipse, grabbed Jane around the waist, and then pulled her back onto me.

The cultist gasped with surprise as I entered her, but then she arched her back and fell down into Eclipse’s chest. Eclipse rubbed Jane’s chocolate locks as the cultist sucked on the tattooed woman’s nipples tenderly, but little moans of pleasure slipped out every now and again.

Soon, Jane began to match my motions with her hips, and her curvy ass jiggled as it slammed against my pelvis intensely.

The warm, tight coil was beginning to form in my abdomen, and I knew I was going to burst in no time.

The only question was, who was going to get my orgasm first?

“Fucking hell … ” Jane moaned as she grabbed a handful of the sheets on the bed.

Suddenly, I felt Eclipse’s hand reach up and fondle my balls. They tightened in response, and I felt myself come to the edge of the mountain.

Then, without warning, Jane pulled herself off me.

The cultist turned around, positioned herself over Eclipse’s face, and then sat down on top of it.

“Finish her first,” Jane commanded, “I already know what I want to do to you.”

Eclipse reached up and ran her hands along the inside of Jane’s thighs as she ate her out, and the cultist responded with a powerful, guttural groan.

Jane threw her head back as her womanhood was licked by the succubus, and she bit her lip as she tried to hold back her own orgasm.

Meanwhile, I got back to work on Eclipse.

I grabbed her ankles, pulled them up to my shoulders, and rested them there as I re-entered the tattooed beauty. At this angle, I was coming dangerously close to pushing through the back wall of Eclipse’s pussy, but she didn’t seem to mind.

In fact, she was reveling in it.

“Oh, my god!” she gasped from beneath Jane. “I-I can feel all of you!”

“Let’s see if he can go any deeper,” Jane panted, and then she leaned forward and took Eclipse’s ankles in her hand.

Jane pulled the succubus’ legs back toward her, and I felt myself push even deeper into Eclipse’s tunnel.

Now, the entire shaft of my cock was inside of her, and my balls were pressed up against her nether regions as far as they could go. Then I pulled out slowly, positioned the head of my penis against her warm, wet pussy, and returned to its depths.

Eclipse’s body tensed as I pushed into her. Her hands were now so tight around Jane’s legs that I feared she would cut off the circulation, and her moans were coming out in short, hurried gasps.

I repeated the action two more times, and that was when she came.

Eclipse let out an earth-shattering groan as I entered her the third time as her pussy tightened around me. She kept moaning for nearly a minute straight, until I finally felt myself lose control.

I shoved myself deep into Eclipse and tensed up as I unloaded my seed inside of her. When I was finally done, I pulled out and then rolled over on the bed, exhausted.

“Holy shit.” Jane bit her lip. “I want in on that.”

The brunette cultist let go of Eclipse’s legs, bent over, stuck out her tongue, and began to lick Eclipse clean. Even though she’d just orgasmed with the intensity of a freight train, the tattooed beauty let out a whimper as Jane ate her out.

Finally, Jane pulled herself up and rolled off the succubus.

“Oh, my god,” Eclipse panted. “That was incredible.”

“There’s more where that came from,” I reassured the two girls. “But, uh, I might need a little help, if you get my drift … ”

Jane didn’t need any more prompting. She knew exactly what she had to do.

The brunette cultist turned her body around so she was parallel with mine, and she slowly moved down to my abs. Jane kissed my six-pack and then slowly started to peck her way up my body as she removed my shirt.

“We can’t have this getting dirty,” she winked as she pulled it over my head, “we didn’t bring any spare clothes.”

Jane tossed the garment off to the side before she slowly crawled down to my waist. Her massive breasts hung down as she moved, and her hard nipples brushed against my body teasingly. They brushed down against my cock, and I instantly grew back to full mast.

The cultist’s bright blue eyes stared up at me with excitement as she took my erection in her hand. Then her tongue flopped out of her mouth, and she began to lick up and down my cock as she cleaned me off with every rapid motion of her tongue.

I let out a moan of excitement as I felt myself return to full strength.

The next thing I knew, I saw Eclipse’s deep purple eyes over my head. She smiled at me devilishly as she reached down, grabbed the back of Jane’s head, and forced it down onto my cock.

“Now, it’s my turn to take control,” she purred.

Jane didn’t break eye contact with me as her lips bounced up and down on my cock, and she stopped only every once and awhile to catch her breath. Her delicate hand cupped my balls as she pleasured me, but they were already so tight I wouldn’t be surprised if she was just grasping air.

Eclipse’s lips pressed down against mine, and we found ourselves lost in each other. I squeezed the tattooed woman’s breasts as her partner gobbled my cock, and we continued to explore each others’ mouths. We went on like this for nearly five minutes, until Jane decided it was time to flip the script.

The cultist pulled off my cock, gave it a playful kiss on the head, and then stood up.

“We’re going to do the daisy chain,” she commanded.

“Ohhhhh,” Eclipse purred, “I haven’t done that one!”

“What’s that?” I asked with a twinge of confusion. “Is that like, linking up to each other, or … ”

“Just follow my lead.” The brunette smirked.

Eclipse must have known what she was talking about, because she quickly pulled herself off me, laid down on the bed, and opened her legs excitedly.

“What do I--” I began, but Jane cut me off.

“It requires some arm strength,” she winked, “but I trust you not to drop me. Now, if you’ll get on your knees … ”

I stood to my knees, and then Jane directed me to go above Eclipse’s mouth. Before I could make another move, the tattooed succubus grabbed my cock, slid it into her mouth, and pulled it all the way into her throat.

My eyes rolled into the back of my head as I entered her, and my legs began to quiver.

Then came the best part.

Jane’s legs came up over my head and then pulled me onto her womanhood. At the same time, the brunette went down on Eclipse.

We were now all pleasuring each other at the same time. I guess it was like a fucking chain.

Jane’s pussy tasted sweet against my tongue, and the sensations that shot through my body thanks to Eclipse were mind-blowing. We pleasured each other this way for a long time, and our mouths worked overtime as our bodies quivered, tensed, and prepared to orgasm. Finally, Jane pulled her legs from around my head, came down beside Eclipse, and rolled over.

Then she patted the spot beside her, and I quickly laid on my back.

Jane bit her lip and let out a deep sigh as she got up, moved herself over me in a reverse cowgirl position, and then lowered herself onto my erection. She went down slowly, and I could hear the whimpers escaping from her mouth as her curvy ass came down against my pelvis. Before I knew it, Jane was riding me like a madwoman.

And I was loving every second of it.

Her long, brown ponytail dangled above my head, and I playfully reached up and gave it a tug. She must have loved that, because she suddenly stopped, let out a deep moan, and then glanced back at me over her shoulder.

Eclipse wasn’t done yet, either.

The tattooed woman got down by the action, and the next thing I knew, her tongue was running rapidly along the edge of my balls. Eclipse must have been switching back and forth between Jane and me, because she would periodically stop what she was doing, and then Jane would tense up and groan.

This was too fucking much.

I had fucked these two women just about every which way possible, and now it was time for me to finish the job.

Jane’s arms became wobbly as she tensed her body up and continued to ride me raw. Finally, I felt her pussy squeeze against my erection, and I knew I’d reached the promised land.

“Holy shiiiiiit!” she moaned as she came on top of me.

The sound of the cultist’s orgasm, mixed with the sensation of both women pleasuring me at once, sent me over the edge.

I pushed Jane’s curvy ass down against my cock, tensed up, and filled her with a gallon of my love juice.

The three of us remained in that position for a moment, frozen in time by our bodily pleasure. Then Jane pulled herself off me, laid down, and turned to jelly in my arms.

Eclipse was right behind her, and I pulled the tattooed woman against my chest.

“That was amazing,” Eclipse whistled. “Like, where did you learn all that stuff, Jane?”

“I was in a cult that had orgies all the fucking time,” she explained. “They were never my style, but I always got to watch and learn new ideas. What you just saw there wasn’t even the craziest thing I’ve ever seen at one of those.”

“Maybe you can save that for the next time.” I winked and kissed the brunette on the head.

“Hopefully, the next time won’t be months from now,” she shot back jokingly.

“If it’s gonna involve stuff like that,” I reassured her, “I can promise you it won’t be!”

“Just as long as I can be involved, too,” Eclipse added, “I think you fuck better than a succubus, Jane.”

“Jacob’s given me lots of practice,” Jane giggled, “but I’m always open for one more. Or two, or three.”

“When Jacob turned us into Demon Lords, he fucked four of us at a time,” Eclipse bragged.

“And when I turned the first batch, it was seven at a time,” I corrected.

“Seven at a time … ” Jane mused longingly. “That’s something I’d like to experience some day.”

“Stick around long enough, and you might,” I promised her.

“Stick around?” Jane scoffed. “I’m not going anywhere any time soon. Especially if we’re all going to Florida together.”

“I can’t hardly wait,” I mumbled through a yawn. “Not because I don’t wanna spend time with you, but it’s just … Florida? It’s like Arizona, but ten times more humid, and with a million more things that can kill you.”

“It won’t be that bad.” Jane shrugged. “Besides, it’s just going to be for a day or two. We’ll go there, talk to Zeitmann, and then you can be back in your kingdom in no time flat. Apocalypse averted.”

“You know how our adventures go,” I chuckled, “we both know it won’t be so easy.”

“Jacob?” Eclipse asked as she looked up at me timidly. “This is somewhat off topic, but there’s a question I’ve been meaning to ask you …”

“Sure thing.” I nodded to the dark-haired beauty.

“It’s these tattoos,” she continued as she ran her hand along the pair of angel wings on my bicep. “What do they mean? I always see them when we make love, but I’ve always been too afraid to ask.”

“These old things?” I questioned as I looked down at my tats. “They’re a remnant from an old adventure. The first time I came to Hell, in fact. None of the others have told you about that?”

“Not the tattoos,” she admitted, “but me, being the purveyor of skin art that I am, was curious.”

“There’s one for each of my original seven succubi,” I explained, “the ones who used to be ruled by Azazel. If I summon Hellfire into my hands and touch the image, it’ll summon them right to this very spot, no matter where they are or what they’re doing.”

“Damn,” Jane whistled, “that could really spice things up in the future.”

“I’ve been meaning to get one for all of my new Demon Lords,” I admitted, “but it keeps slipping my mind.”

“Well, if you ever decide to get one for me, I think you know what to get.” Eclipse grinned as she tapped the Celtic rose above her pelvis.

“That’d look amazing right above my heart.” I smirked, and then I pulled the succubus in close.

“You’re so fucking corny,” she laughed and gave me a playful slap on the shoulder.

“But I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Jane giggled.

I laid back onto the pillow and stared up at the wooden ceiling of the basement. Then I closed my eyes as I tried to think of all the crazy shit we were going to encounter in the coming days.

Oh, well. No matter what awaited us when we went to find John Zeitmann, it couldn’t be any crazier than what we’d seen before.

So, I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, with both of the beautiful women still in my arms.

Chapter 9

The next morning came in a flash. I felt like I closed my eyes, and then the morning sun was shining through the window on the far side of our room. I yawned as I sat up, stretched, and then nudged the women at my side to get them stirring.

The three of us got up, got dressed, and then went to meet the rest of the crew.

As I pulled open the door of our room, I saw my Caliginian armor was now resting in a pile at the foot of the threshold. I quickly picked up the individual pieces, strapped them back onto my body, and then made my way toward the stairs.

“Good morning, sleepy heads,” Libidine’s angelic voice giggled from behind us.

I turned around to see Libidine, Cupi, and Deja all emerging from the other room.

“What time did you guys go to bed last night?” I questioned. “We didn’t hear you come down.”

“But we heard you.” Cupi smiled devilishly. “It was making the guys so uncomfortable that they had to turn the volume on the TV up to full blast.”

“We were simply having a good time,” Jane shot back playfully. “Maybe we let ourselves get a bit too into it, but that’s all part of the fun.”

“Oh, trust us,” Cupi promised, “we know. I kind of feel bad for all the times we’ve scarred Todd with our talk of what happens in the bedroom.”

“I don’t,” Libidine giggled, “for every time we’ve scarred him, I think he’s scarred us ten times over.”

The six of us headed up the creaky staircase until we came to the top. Then we marveled at the scene we saw.

Chort, Oliver, Raphael, and Todd were all passed out beside each other on the couch, surrounded by beer cans. The television was running some sort of first-person shooter video game, but it was long since abandoned by its players.

“Looks like we weren’t the only ones who had a wild night,” I chuckled as I pointed at the motley crew on the couch.

“Who’s going to do the honors of waking them up?” Deja inquired. “I’m sure they’re all going to be hungover and grumpy.”

“I’ll do it,” I volunteered as I stomped into the room and stood behind the snoring men on the couch.

Then I summoned bronze Hellfire into my right hand, placed it on the back of the couch, and forced it to rock back and forth rapidly.

Todd and Chort’s tiny figures were tossed from their seats, and they both hit the ground rolling.

Meanwhile, Oliver and Raph both sprang to their feet and began to panic.

“An earthquake?” Oliver gasped. “In the Rockies?”

“We’ve failed, my friends!” Raph wailed. “The apocalypse is upon us!”

The two men glanced over at me, frowned, and then crossed their arms over their chests as I shot them a mischievous grin.

“Good morning,” I chuckled. “You guys awake yet?”

“We are now,” Raphael grumbled as he rubbed at his temples. “Was that truly necessary?”

“Seriously, bro,” Todd added as he clomped over to our position. “Not cool.”

“What a wiiiiiilllld night, compadres,” Chort whistled, “I haven’t had so much fun in ages. Probably because I’m all isolated and alone out here, but still.”

“Yeah, about that … ” I started as I rubbed my neck.

I needed to come clean to Chort about the Hill Hunters. In the one percent chance there really were “BPI” agents after him, he’d now lost all his natural protection. So, he needed to know it probably wasn’t safe here anymore.

“Jaaaaakkkkeeee,” Chort said as he placed his hands on his hips. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“Yes and no,” I admitted, “Look, Chort… Raphael wasn’t just too drunk last night when he told you the Hill Hunters are gone. They really did attack us yesterday, and we really did kill them all. In fact, we were the ones who caused the avalanche in the first place.”

Chort’s expression contorted into a frown. The piggish demon began to rub his chin as he pondered my words, but then he shrugged.

“No problemo, compadre,” he admitted.

“You’re not mad?” I couldn’t believe my ears.

“Not at all!” he reassured me. “Ya see, Jake … I’m a demon who likes to get around.”

“You wish,” Todd grumbled under his breath.

“I’ve been out here for like, a year now,” Chort continued, “so it’s just about time for me to be moving on to greener pastures anyway. The BPI is hot on my trail, and it was only a matter of time before they found a way to get past the Hill Hunters and capture me. If anything, I should be thanking you. I was startin’ to get complacent, my man, and you knocked me outta my funk.”

“Glad to hear it.” I smiled. “So, where do you think you’ll go?”

“Ahahah.” Chort wagged his finger at me. “If I tell ya, that kinda defeats the whole purpose, doesn’t it?”

“So, you’re just going to leave this marvelous cabin behind?” Raphael asked. “Because if so, I’ve been looking for an Earth dwelling … ”

“The Velvet Lips is two states away, Raphey,” Todd interjected, “how would you make that commute every day?”

“I’m an Archangel, Todd,” the dark-haired man mused, “you don’t have to take commute times into account when you can just teleport everywhere.”

“Wait … ” Cupiditas interjected, “if you can teleport everywhere, then why couldn’t we have teleported up here?”

“Divine light telekinetic powers don’t work like your Hellfire ones do,” he explained. “I can only teleport myself, not anyone else.”

“Then why didn’t you just teleport to Chort’s cabin, talk to him, and then get back to us?” I questioned.

Raphael raised his hand to answer, but then the words sputtered out as his brow furrowed. The Archangel’s eyes glanced back and forth around the room as he tried to find the answer, but nothing seemed to come to him.

“I-I suppose that could have been a solution,” he admitted. “Though, much like your powers, I can only teleport to places I know. It wouldn’t have done me much good in this case.”

“But could you travel to the convention center in Florida?” I inquired. “To see if Zeitmann is even there?”

“I suppose,” Raphael shrugged, “if I had the exact location on hand. But what kind of sorcery would even allow me to--”

“Here you go,” Oliver interjected as he held out his smart phone. “I found the exact location of the place hosting Paranorma-phernalia.”

Raphael’s mouth dropped open as he stared at the screen.

“My lord … ” he muttered to himself. “Technology has gone too far.”

“So, now that you know where it is … ” I began, but he must have read my mind.

“I can go there ahead of you, yes,” he agreed. “I’ll start staking out the hotels around that area to see if I can find him and then report back to you periodically.”

“And then we’ll meet you there in a few days,” I agreed.

“Good luck, Raphey!” Todd called out with a salute.

Raphael glanced at the phone once again, and then he closed his eyes and began to mutter the address to himself repeatedly. As he spoke, his body became engulfed in a blinding white light.

Once the light faded, Raph was gone.

“That way, he can at least get a head start on us,” I explained to the rest of my friends.

“Do you really think it was a good idea to send Raphael out on a mission by himself?” Cupi questioned.

“He’ll be fine,” I reassured her. “He’s been a badass Archangel since the dawn of time, I’m sure he’ll be able to handle himself in fucking northern Florida.”

“I dunno, bro … ” Todd admitted, “have you seen the kinda shit that goes on down there? I swear I heard their governor was thinking of changing their state motto to ‘Florida-Not Even Once.’”

“Well, we’ll find out in a few days,” I chuckled and then turned back to Chort. “Thank you for the intel, and thank you for letting us stay here.”

“No problemo, compadre,” Chort reassured me as he shook my hand, “just hit me up on the messenger whenever, and we can have another shindig like this one. Hopefully at my new pad.”

“That sounds like a plan,” I smiled, “now, is there an easier way to get back down the mountain? We came up the southern side.”

“The southern side?” Chort gasped. “No wonder you had so many problems getting here! That’s the stormy side of the mountain. Follow me, compadres, and I’ll get you back to where you need to be!”

Chort waddled over to the front door, tossed it open, and then motioned for us to follow after him.

My team and I accompanied the piggish demon back out into the cold snow and then ventured across the ravine and over the peak. However, this time, we cut a hard left and headed east. After about forty minutes of walking, we came to a large drop-off that stretched out into the sky.

As I peeked out over the edge, I saw there was absolutely nothing between us and the ground but thousands of feet of space.

“This is where I leave you, compadres,” Chort sighed. “As much as I hate to see the little chicklets fly from the nest, it’s time.”

“So what, we just jump?” I asked.

“Well, you use your wings to catch yourself,” Chort reiterated. “Duh.”

“What about those of us who don’t have wings?” Oliver raised his hand.

“Oh, well … ” Chort pondered as he rubbed his pointed ears. “I guess you’ll just have to hold onto the ones who can!”

“How do you get down the mountain?” Todd questioned with narrowed eyes. “You’re not trying to set us up, are you? Revenge for killing your raptor buddies?”

“One, how dare you,” the piggish demon scolded, “two, of course I can fly. I’m a demon, compadre!”

As the sentence left his mouth, two tiny black wings, about the size of a sapling tree, sprouted from his back and lifted him up into the air.

“Well, I’ll be damned,” Todd whistled, “pigs do fly. I guess the end of the world is coming sooner than I thought, bro.”

I looked back at my friends as I tried to formulate a plan.

“So, I’ll take Jane,” I announced, “Liby, you take Oliver. Everybody else can fly under their own power, right?”

“Right,” Deja, Cupi, Todd, and Eclipse said in unison.

“Good,” I continued. “So, we fly down there, meet at the bottom, and then head over to where we left our vehicles.”

“Do you think they’ll still be alright?” Cupi asked.

“I’d assume so.” Chort shrugged in the air. “Barely anybody comes up here any more, and even if they did, Coloradans know better than to mess with an abandoned car in the middle of nowhere. That’s no bueno on many fronts.”

I walked over to Jane, got behind her, and wrapped my arms under her arms.

“Well,” she cooed, “this feels familiar.”

I summoned forth my wings, lifted her up into the air, and began to hover over to the edge of the cliff. My friends followed my lead and, within seconds, we were over the ledge.”

“Arrivederci, compadres!” Chort called out as we began our descent.

The cold wind of the Rockies whipped past our faces as we dove down like a group of hawks zeroing in on their prey. Unlike before, there was nothing but clear skies all around, and I couldn’t help but marvel at the beauty of the scenery around us.

The entire landscape was covered with the powdery white snow for as far as the eye could see. Up here, in this desolate part of the mountain, everything was undisturbed. Pristine. Unsoiled by the hands of mankind.

It was nature at its finest, and it made me feel at ease.

Finally, we came to a halt on the cold, frozen ground below. We quickly fixed the wind-tousled hair on our heads before we headed back south around the mountain and back to our vehicles.

“That Chort guy was a real tool, huh?” Todd asked rhetorically as we walked. “Using other languages that aren’t even his … Being all paranoid and shit … Then there’s his catchphrase and overly vulgar jokes.”

“Such a tool,” I sarcastically remarked, but Todd didn’t seem to notice.

The journey back to the spot where we started was long, but the weather had broken, and it wasn’t as grueling as it might have once been. Finally, after nearly an hour of walking, we came to the spot where Shadow and Lola had been left.

Both of the cars were still there, in one piece, but they were covered by a massive pile of snow.

“Oh, man.” Todd whistled when he saw our predicament. “The mountain totally bukakkaed our cars, bro.”

I held back a gag as I tried to keep the visual from my mind, and I summoned a ball of red Hellfire into my hands. Then I held the white-hot ball of flame out in front of me like a makeshift torch as I approached Shadow. The closer I got to the Jeep, the more snow that melted off into a wet puddle at her tires. By the time I got to the driver’s side door, she was completely free of her icy prison.

My teammates did the same with their vehicle, and Lola was free in no time.

“You sure you wanna take her all the way to Florida?” I asked the imp. “It’s a full day’s drive, through all sorts of different climates. Do you think she’s got another road trip in her?”

“Ye have little faith, Jakey,” Todd sighed, “the answer would have been ‘yes’ even in her heyday. But now that she’s got a fucking upgrade from literal Heaven? Fuck yes, she can make it!”

“Alright,” I shrugged, “according to the GPS, it’s a fairly straight shot on I-70. Try to keep up.”

“Keep up?” Todd scoffed as his body began to contort and stretch back into his human form. “I’m gonna be ten miles ahead before we even get off this mountain, bro!”

I severely doubted the imp’s boasts, but at least he had the confidence to push forward. So, I climbed into the driver’s seat of Shadow and then watched as Oliver and Deja climbed into Lola.

Cupiditas slid into the passenger seat of Shadow, while the remaining three team members got into the back. Eclipse and Jane sat next to each other, and they made it a point to snuggle in close together.

Libidine immediately noticed, and a sly grin came to her face.

“It must have been a very fun time last night,” Libidine giggled.

“We’ve certainly had many of those through the years, haven’t we, Liby?” Cupi grinned back at her Sister.

“Most certainly,” the raven-haired beauty in the back giggled. “And I hope we have many more.”

“We will,” Cupi purred, “we’ve yet to congratulate Jacob on his victory over Beelzebub. That is a momentous occasion that will need some major celebration … Perhaps something as big as the ceremony, only bigger?”

My heart fluttered in my chest, and all the blood in my body rushed to my groin as I thought about having another ceremony like the one that had made all of my succubi into Demon Lords.

“Easy there, Jacob,” Eclipse teased, “focus on the road. I’d prefer to let all these horrific things in Florida kill me rather than a car crash.”

“We’ve been in that region before,” Cupi rolled her eyes as I twisted the key and put Shadow into drive. “It’s actually pretty damn nice.”

“Yeah, Todd exaggerates about its deadliness,” I chuckled. “Go figure.”

We set off down the narrow, slick mountain road with Todd’s car right behind us, and within a few hours, we’d made great headway into the journey.

We were in Kansas, near the eastern border, and I glanced back in the mirror to check in on Todd. Even from this distance, I could see him chatting up Oliver and Deja in the rearview mirror.

Deja appeared to be conversing happily with the imp, but Oliver looked like he was about at his wits end.

“Maybe someone should offer to switch at our next gas stop?” I chuckled. “Oliver looks like he’s about to commit seppuku back there.”

“I’ll trade!” Libidine raised her hand excitedly. “Todd’s chattiness might bother some of the group, but it never bothers me. I actually kinda like it!”

“That’s because of your upbeat personality.” Cupi smiled. “I honestly think there’s not a person in the world you could truly dislike.”

“Not true, Sister,” the Sister of Lust retorted, “I fucking hated Earl. And Azazel. I hated them with every fiber of my being.”

“What about your master, Eclipse?” Jane asked. “I always hear about Azazel, but where did you come from?”

“I hail from the Third Circle of Hell, the same as Inpulsa,” the tattooed woman explained. “We had a fairly standard life for being succubi. Which is to say, I fucking hated my pimp and my master, as well. Jacob here is the first one I’ve had who doesn’t give me a burning desire to gouge their eyes out every second I see them.”

“That’s, uh, good, I guess,” I chuckled.

“I wonder if Todd’s thinking about that girl,” Libidine mused as she stared out the window. “We are in Kansas right now, correct?”

“Yeah,” I confirmed, “but I don’t think she’s too much on his mind right now. I haven’t heard him mention her in weeks. Besides, for all we know, she doesn’t even work at that diner any more.”

“Probably not,” Cupi interjected, “you humans tend to move on from your jobs pretty frequently.”

“That’s not completely true,” I argued, “we only move on when we find something better. Like I did when I met you.”

“King of the Fourth Circle is most definitely a better job title than … What did you do before you met us?” the Sister of Greed questioned. “I always forget.”

“I worked as an ‘intern’ at one of the accounting firms downtown,” I sighed. “It fucking sucked.”

“From intern to Demon King in just the span of four years,” Libidine giggled, “I’d say that’s quite the promotion.”

We continued on deep into Missouri before we finally stopped for some gas and much needed leg stretching. We pulled into a tiny gas station out in the middle of the plains, one of those that had the large gold star for a logo and pumps that still used analog numbers to count the total.

I hopped out of the vehicle, swiped my credit card, and then got the automatic pump going. While the tank was filling up, I wandered over to see how Todd and the rest of the crew were doing.

“How you holding up in there?” I whispered to Deja, who was sprawled out against the hood of the yellow Volvo.

“Oh, it’s been fun.” The tan succubus grinned. “Remember, I can mess with our sense of time, so it’s only been about an hour in the car for us.”

“Damn,” I whistled, “that must feel great.”

“It’s only been an hour?” Oliver groaned. “It feels like it’s been much longer than that.”

“It’s been about ten hours, technically,” I reminded the group. “If either of you want to switch cars, now’s your chance.”

The second the words left my mouth, Oliver made a relieved face and dashed over to Shadow.

“Where’s he goin’ in such a hurry?” Todd pondered as he came around the side of Lola. “Is his rubbery old bladder finally giving out on him? I told him it was only a matter of time before that thing became useless. At his age, it’s gotta look like a fucking shriveled up old prune or something.”

“He wanted to switch cars,” Deja explained with a wink, “I guess he thinks he’s not cool enough for the totally tubular sex wagon like we are.”

“That’s a shame,” Todd sighed, “I thought we were makin’ some progress. At least we finally got him to agree a male romper was not the way to go for his underclothes … ”

“Wait,” I laughed, “Oliver’s wearing a romper under those robes?”

“No, bro,” Todd reassured me, “he’s still wearing his cargo shorts with his crocs ‘n socks. But he was talking to us about how he wants to revamp the fashion choices of the whole cult, and that was his first idea.”

“I don’t even like women’s rompers,” Deja shuddered, “whoever thought of putting them on dudes?”

“Somebody far more sadistic than either of us, Clockblocker,” Todd shook his head as he filled his gas tank, “probably crazier than Crazy Eyes, too.”

“Who’s going to join us, then?” Deja asked as she moved on from the thought.

“Liby,” I replied, “and I have a feeling she’ll be a great improvement over Oliver, for sure.”

“Totally, bro.” The imp in disguise pulled the nozzle from his gas tank, plunked it back down in the holster, and tightened the cap. “Lib’s always a hoot. What about Jane and Lizbeth up there? I see ‘em being cuddlebuddies up there … Don’t tell me the power of the penis struck again.”

“It’s a great power.” I shrugged and then turned to walk back to my car.

“Use it for good, Jakey!” Todd snickered. “With a great schlong comes great responsibility. Trust me, I’d know!”

Libidine gave me a giggle and a nod as she walked past me toward Todd’s car, and I shot her a wink back.

When I finally got back to my Jeep, I yanked out the nozzle, returned it to its holder, and then hopped back into the driver’s seat.

“Hello, Jacob.” Oliver was already in the passenger’s seat when I got back into the car, and he suddenly looked ten years younger.

“Hi, Oliver,” I greeted the white-haired cultist, “ready to hit the road?”

“Oh, please!” he said with a huff. “Those two spent nearly an hour of the trip trying to convince me my fashion choices were subpar. Can you believe that?”

“What, you?” I lied. “You’re a trend-setter, Oliver. And, like most people who are ahead of their time, your critics probably just don’t understand you.”

“That’s right,” the cultist said with a proud nod. “You’re right, damn it. I’m going to go out and buy those rompers for the whole cult, critics be damned. Thank you for restoring my confidence, Jacob.”

“Wait,” I did a double take as I turned the key into the “on” position, “did you just say ‘for the whole cult?’”

“That’s right,” Oliver grinned, “all three thousand and twenty-three members.”

“Uhhhh, how much is that gonna cost?” I asked. “Just, ya know, for Sia’s records.”

“They’re about twenty-five dollars a piece,” he explained. “So, what’s that, seventy-five thousand? A small price to pay for fashion.”

Fuck. Welp, that one was totally my fault. That’s what I got for trusting an ancient dude with making fashion choices for an entire organization.

I kicked Shadow into gear, and we set off for our destination once more.

This time, we drove for nearly six more hours before the exhaustion began to kick in. We were driving down the Alabama interstate at four in the morning, and I could feel myself beginning to nod off.

In fact, the only thing keeping me awake was Oliver’s snoring.

The cultist had his head back against the seat beside me, with his mouth wide open as bits of drool hung from his lips. Meanwhile, all three of the women in the back seat were out, as well.

I picked up my phone, called Todd, and we agreed to crash at the next rest stop. The second we pulled into the parking spot, I killed the ignition, locked the doors, and passed out.

It may have been a shitty night’s sleep, but it was still sleep nonetheless.

The next morning, we woke up and continued on our journey, and we were about an hour outside of Tampa when my phone began to go off.

Raphael.

“What’s going on, Raph?” I questioned the second I picked up. “Any leads on Zeitmann?”

“Unfortunately not,” he sighed from the other side. “I’ve been to almost thirty hotels, motels, and resorts in the last few days. Do you have any idea how many of these things are in Florida?”

“Too many,” I agreed, “that’s for sure.”

“I will say, though, that the people down here are very friendly,” the Archangel continued. “There have been several women, mostly at the motels, who tell me they want to ‘show me a good time.’ Very considerate of them, if I do say so. So hospitable.”

“Right,” I tried to contain my amusement, “well, we’re about an hour away right now, so just hang tight until we get there.”

“Will do,” Raphael agreed. “Oh, and Jacob? There was one other thing I wanted to ask you while I have you on the line … Why are so many of the women I ran into obsessed with jewelry?”

“I dunno, Raph,” I admitted, “maybe it’s a deep south thing?”

“I’m not sure,” the Archangel chuckled, “but it must be financially draining to date any of them. They literally wouldn’t stop asking me if I wanted to give them a pearl necklace. I most certainly don’t have those sorts of funds at the moment.”

Oh, boy.

For a second, I almost considered telling Raph he was being propositioned by skanky prostitutes.

Almost.

“Just meet us at the convention center,” I explained, “even if we couldn’t find Zeitmann beforehand, we know he’s gonna be somewhere at the convention today. And since he’s signing autographs, he’s probably got a booth reserved somewhere. That should at least narrow things down a bit.”

“Indeed,” Raphael agreed. “Archangel, over and out.”

“I’ve got the Paranorma-phernalia website pulled up right here on my phone,” Oliver mused as he tapped away on his outdated device. “There’s no Jon Zeitmann listed in the program whatsoever.”

“That makes sense,” Jane agreed. “If he was really trying to stay off the grid, he wouldn’t want his name and image plastered all over the official program. It’s probably supposed to be a secret surprise for his most loyal fans.”

“I still can’t believe this guy has ‘loyal fans,’” I chuckled as I turned off the interstate and onto the highway that would take us to Tampa. “Just a few years ago, he was working in fucking room service at the Excalibur. Now, he’s so popular around the paranormal circuit he’s raking in millions in book deals, TV shows, and conference appearances.”

“All because of your story, too,” Cupi reminded me. “None of this would have been possible without us.”

“I’d be furious,” Oliver admitted. “If someone were profiteering off me, I would have cut them down a long time ago. Or at least threatened them with a warning to get them to stop. Why haven’t you confronted this man yet, Jacob?”

“I-I dunno,” I confessed. “Maybe it’s because I just felt bad he got sucked up in all of this. I mean, it is our fault his place of employment burned down.”

“Exploded,” Cupi reminded me. “At least, our floor did.”

“Right,” I reminisced. “A bunch of people lost their jobs that day, and they easily could have been killed. Maybe I just figured letting Zeitmann have his fifteen minutes of fame was some form of, I dunno … atonement for what happened?”

“Gallu was the one to blame, Jacob,” Cupi reassured me, “not you. Our only crime was having too much fun in the Sin City.”

“You’re right,” I agreed, “but I still wanted to let the dude have his moment. But it looks like that moment has quickly gotten out of hand and evolved into fucking years. Though I will admit … since we’ve been in Hell, he really hasn’t been an issue. I was actually starting to forget he even existed, if I’m being honest. We’ve just had so many bigger things going on.”

“Life is strange that way, Jacob,” Oliver mused, “the little, insignificant things always seem to come back up when you least expect them to, quite often bigger than the last time you left them.”

“I’ll say,” I whistled, “going from ‘that annoying guy on TV’ to ‘harbinger of the Apocalypse’ is a pretty big leap.”

We continued down the highway until we finally saw the skyline of Tampa rise up over the brisk blue ocean and then climb until its buildings reached the heavens. Before we knew it, we were crossing over a highway surrounded by nothing but the pristine, briny water on both sides.

I glanced back in the rearview mirror and saw Lola was only two cars behind us. Todd was hunched over the steering wheel, and he gripped it tightly as his eyes shifted back and forth across the highway.

The imp didn’t necessarily hate the ocean, per say … but I knew he didn’t like to be unprotected, surrounded by vast swatches of water because “that’s where the Krakens get you, bro.”

“Are they alright back there?” Jane questioned as she turned around in her seat and looked back at the yellow Volvo. “You seem pretty focused on our friends.”

“Just making sure Todd’s not panicking, that’s all,” I explained. “He hasn’t really driven anywhere long distance in, well, probably since he became an imp. I’ve always done the driving since, and he just rides shotgun.”

“They’ve made it pretty well so far,” Eclipse chimed in, “also, he’s riding with Libidine and Deja. They’re both really good about comforting people when they need it.”

“Actually, now that we’re sitting here alone,” I looked back at the Volvo as if they could somehow hear me, “why is that? Like, when they were created by Lilith, did she specifically make them to be the comforting and caring type?”

“Lilith simply creates the succubi, Jacob,” Cupi explained, “what happens to them after that is up to fate, if you even believe in that sort of thing.”

“Well, it’s now been proven to me there’s a Heaven and a Hell,” I joked, “so sure, why not believe in fate?”

“Because it’s total rubbish,” Oliver scoffed. “Everything that has happened to lead us here has been the result of our choices, not the Exalted One’s. Lilith led you toward finding the book that summoned the succubi. Lucifer impregnated your mother. Even Jane and I chose to follow you after we saw how you fared against the other demons of the universe. Choices, not fate.”

“Well, then,” mused, “I hope John makes the right choice when we tell him to abandon his message.”

We continued on for another thirty minutes until finally, we arrived at our destination.

The Tampa Convention Center was located right on the bay. It was a sprawling white building built to look like a cross between a luxury cruise liner and the Parthenon. It was multiple stories tall, with a flat roof and giant white pillars that appeared to hold up its bulk. As we passed by the back of the building, I could see several conference goers sitting out on the open landing next to it. Palm trees stretched up from holes in the red brick ground, and there were several bright blue awnings that provided shade.

Maybe after all this shit with Zeitmann was over, we could come back and enjoy the Florida sun.

But first, we needed to find our target.

I pulled Shadow around to the attached parking garage, paid the attendant, and then entered the concrete labyrinth. The place was packed tighter than a can of sardines, but we eventually found a spot a few floors above.

As the five of us exited the vehicle, we saw Lola zip past us while she sputtered dark smoke from her tailpipe. Now that she was in an enclosed space, the Volvo’s pollution couldn’t escape into the breeze. Instead, it hung around the car like a dark rain cloud, and I coughed heartily as its smog went into my nostrils.

Lola pulled up a few spots, whipped into an open space, and then the imp and two succubi stumbled out of the car hacking and wheezing.

“Still runs like a fucking charm, bro,” Todd gagged and waved his hand in front of his face.

“More like a hex,” I corrected the imp, but he wasn’t having any of it.

“Don’t be talking shit about my baby, bro,” Todd warned, “Lola may be a beast, but she’s a very sensitive beast.”

Once we were all accounted for, we began to make our way toward the entrance of the Convention Center.

“According to the program, Paranorma-phernalia is located on the second floor,” Oliver explained, “and the autograph booths are all the way in the back.”

“Then that’s probably where John will be,” Cupi noted. “Let’s not waste any more time.”

Todd, however, was super excited to be here at all.

“I second that, Cupi,” he snickered, “I want to see all the goodies that await us in this place. Also, I really wanna get outta this garage. I can already feel the swamp ass coming on.”

“Ew.” Jane grimaced, but Todd was completely unapologetic.

“And if I get it, everyone in the car’s gonna get it, too,” he continued.

“That’s not how it--” I began.

“Let’s get a-move on, bros and babes!” the imp in disguise cackled as he dashed toward the door.

“We should probably let him explore a little,” I whispered to my friends, “this is one of his lifelong dreams, after all.”

“I’m okay with that,” Jane admitted, “it’s not like we’re on a time restriction.”

“No, of course not,” Eclipse joked. “We’re only trying to stop the end of the world and all that.”

We entered through the sliding glass doors of the building and then sauntered out into the main area of the second floor. Even though this place looked like a luxury paradise from the outside, the interior looked like any old convention center.

The carpets were made up of faded reddish-brown blocks of fabric which were separated only by a dark blue line. The walls were made to look like they were constructed from light tan wood, but it was obvious they were made of marble or granite or some other blocky material. Really, the only defining feature I could see in this place were the light blue waves painted on the walls.

As we approached the entrance to one of the main exhibit halls, there was a line of tables with yellow-shirted volunteers and some security guards stationed at the door.

“Shit,” I grumbled, “we’ll need a ticket to get in. Oliver? Can you pull up the website?”

The white-haired cultist began to fiddle on his phone for a second, but then he shook his head and scoffed.

“Sold out,” he sighed. “Apparently, they’ve been sold out for months.”

“That’s totally normal, ya know,” Todd mumbled, “this place is sorta a big deal, especially to those who dabble in the occult like moi.”

“Let me try,” Libidine suggested as she strutted up to the table.

She stopped in front of a volunteer, a guy who must have been no older than nineteen or twenty, with large square glasses and tousled blond hair cut into a long-top.

Libidine made it a point to bend over the table and show off as much cleavage as she possibly could.

“Excuse me,” she asked the man, “my friends and I over there seem to have lost our tickets. Is there anything you could do to help us?”

The man glanced up, and then his eyes shot up to Liby’s face as his own turned red.

“That’s, uh--unfortunate,” he said as sweat beaded against his head, “did you try to print them off again?”

“Our printer is broken,” Libidine continued. “I was hoping you could help us get it in--I mean, get in.”

The man took a big gulp at the succubus’ words, and his hand gripped his pencil tighter.

Poor guy. I could tell he was doing everything in his power to not stare at Libidine’s massive cleavage. I could totally relate.

“Uh, you--Uh … ” the man squirmed, “let me check the list here. What’s your name?”

“Oh, we refuse to give our real names,” she continued, “we don’t want ‘The Man’ knowing we’re here.”

“I’m sorry, miss,” the volunteer gulped, “but if you aren’t on the list, you can’t have a ticket.”

Suddenly, I saw the man’s entire body tense up.

“Check the list again,” the succubus mused, “I know we’re on there.”

The man glanced down at the list in front of him, but his eyes were locked in a thousand-yard stare. Then he ran his finger down the list of names before he sat up, looked Liby straight in the eyes, and nodded.

“I’m sorry about that,” he chuckled as his body relaxed, “I must have missed you the first time. Here you go, eight tickets.”

The volunteer bent down, rifled through a box at his side, and then came back up with eight laminated tickets attached to dark red lanyards. He handed them to Libidine, waved goodbye to her, and then went back to his job.

“See?” Liby mused as she walked back over and began to distribute the lanyards. “We’ve got things under control.”

We placed the lanyards around our necks, walked over to the security guard, and showed him our badges.

His eyes narrowed as he tried to read the names, but then he simply waved us through.

“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!” Todd was giddy as we entered the exhibit hall. “Watch out, Paranorma-phernalia, because here comes the Toddster!”

The halls were set up just like any other conference or trade show, with long rows of vendors stationed in the center, with a few stages off to the right and a row of autograph signing stations all the way to the left.

That was where Zeitmann would be.

“There.” I pointed to the autograph stations. “Our guy’s gonna be back there.”

We wandered through the convention hall and, as we passed the vendors, I couldn’t help but notice all the crazy shit they were selling. There were your typical booths devoted to peddling paranormal books, DVDs, and other normal merchandise, but then there were ones that took it a bit … further.

One of the booths was selling what they called “Hellfire stones,” or gemstones allegedly created from pure Hellfire left here on Earth.

“That’s not even how Hellfire works,” Cupi chuckled as we passed. “The idea that you can capture our powers in a stone is fucking ridiculous.”

“But how else are you gonna power your Hellfire Gauntlet?” Todd snickered. “They gotta cash in on the whole Thanos thing while it’s still hot, Cupi.”

“Holy shit!” somebody in the crowd gasped. “I know you!”

Fuuuuuuck.

I turned around to see a small group of people rushing toward us. They all were wearing matching brown shirts that read “Demons Never Say Die” in the Goonies font, and each one of them had a different form of crazy facial hair.

“Hi … ” I waved awkwardly, but they all just gave me an eyebrow.

“Hi,” one of them said, but then he turned to Todd. “I can’t believe it’s you! You’re the host of Tuesdays with the Toddster!”

Todd’s mouth fell open in disbelief, and I swore I saw tears of happiness well up in his eyes.

“Yes, I am, bro!” The Shaggy-looking imp stuck out his hand. “In the flesh.”

“That opinion piece you did on the Chupacabra?” another man spoke up. “That was eye-opening. Do you really think it’s connected to Area Fifty-One?”

“Of course it is!” Todd said as he puffed out his chest. “It’s all interconnected, bro. I’m actually thinking of doing an episode next week where I reveal how Bigfoot fits into all this.”

“Wooooowww.” The group seemed to swoon.

“Yeah, it’s gonna be a big deal and everything,” the imp in disguise explained. “Kinda like my donger. Just as long as the world doesn’t end in the meantime.”

Todd’s fans doubled over in laughter at his joke, while the rest of us just looked at each other in confusion.

“Hey, bro?” I patted Todd on the shoulder. “We’re gonna go see if we can find Zeitmann, but you can totally stay here and hang out with your fans.”

“Sounds like a plan, Jakey,” Todd agreed.

“Wait … you’re Jacob?” one of the fans gasped. “The Jacob Ralston?”

“Uh, yeah,” I chuckled. “I’m guessing Todd talks a lot about me?”

“All the fucking time!” the man whistled. “Where would Todd be without his lovable, bumbling, less-than-well-endowed sidekick?”

I shot Todd a dirty look, but he simply shrugged and then motioned for his fans to follow after him.

“Ya know, Jakey’s got things to do,” the imp in disguise chuckled awkwardly as he began to walk away, “let’s take this convo somewhere else, alright?”

“Todd’s with his people,” Jane laughed and shook her head.

“Exactly,” I shot back, “which means he’s going to be taking attention away from us. Which also means we should be able to get to Zeitmann a lot easier.”

We continued back toward the autograph booths when suddenly, a random woman walked up to us and scowled.

“Are you supposed to be the Cult of Ralston?” she gagged. “Your costumes are totally off. For starters, Jacob has a black sword, not a white one. Then there’s the robes … How do you mess up a simple navy blue robe? Not to mention, your succubi costumes are way off.”

“How so?” Eclipse placed her hands on her hips and frowned.

“Well, the tattoos, for one.” The woman rolled her eyes. “They don’t go as far down as the ones you have on. What is that, a fabric sleeve?”

Eclipse’s fist tightened in anger, but the woman was already moving on to the next one.

“And where’s your polearm?” she questioned Cupi. “The Sister of Greed always has her--”

Before she could finish her sentence, Cupi whipped her collapsible weapon from her belt, clicked it open, and held the blunt end at to the woman’s face.

“You mean this one?” the blonde succubus snarked.

“That’s pretty cool,” the woman admitted with a grin, “points for style!”

Without another word, the random woman scuttled off back into the crowd.

“Fucking badass, m’lady,” a deep, nasally voice proclaimed.

We turned around to see there was a man, clad in an X-Files “I want to believe” shirt, down on one knee.

Jesus fucking Christ.

“Thank you?” Cupi half-asked, half-stated.

“I don’t think there will ever be another girl like you, with your perfect, badass ninja moves and your firm, raised cheekbones and--”

“Easy there, cowboy,” I chuckled as I walked up and patted him on the shoulder, “she’s with me. They all are.”

The man in the X-Files shirt frowned, hung his head, and then walked away while muttering something about how my Jacob costume was completely wrong.

“I can’t believe so many people are familiar with your work,” Oliver admitted.

“I can,” I retorted. “Between Zeitmann’s shit and Todd’s podcast, I’d bet the whole world of paranormal fans knows all about our adventures. I just never realized there were this many of ‘em.”

“Maybe you could convince them to become part of the cult?” Jane suggested. “Surely, these people would all jump at the opportunity to serve a legitimate Demon King.”

“I’m sure they would,” I admitted, “but at this point in the game, with the Apocalypse looming and my father watching from afar, we need fighters, not just followers. I’m not sure how good of fighters these guys would be.”

“Speaking of fighters and strange people,” Deja glanced around the room, “where is Raphael? I thought he was going to meet us here.”

“I did, too,” I pondered as I picked up my phone and dialed the Archangel’s number. “Let me call him.”

The phone rang for a few moments, and then I heard Raph’s voice on the other side. However, that wasn’t all I heard.

On the other side of the line came a loud, booming bass of club music, which itself was accompanied by the chattering of people.

“Jacob?” the Archangel screamed into his phone. “Where are you? I’m here at the convention center. I will admit, though, I didn’t expect all these paranormal fanatics to be dressed in skimpy leather and masks.”

“Uhhhh, I don’t think you’re at the right place, Raph,” I warned him. “Are you at a nightclub?”

“No, no,” The Archangel continued, “I found a group of people on the street, asked them where I could find ‘Paraphernalia’ of the strange variety, and they pointed me in the direction of this place.”

“Well, we’re at the convention center, smack dab in the center of the conference,” I explained. “And there definitely aren’t any leather-clad dancers here. Did you come to the second floor? Exhibit Halls F and G?”

“No need to be vulgar, Jacob,” Raphael scoffed. “I believe I’m on the fist floor.”

“You mean the ‘first floor,’ right?” I asked.

“That’s not what everyone else is calling it,” the Archangel replied. “I’m currently looking at a giant sign with bright red lettering that reads ‘Welcome to the Fist Floor.’”

Oliver’s eyes went wide as he stared at his phone, and then he held it up for me to see.

Apparently, Raphael was in the right building, but the first floor of the convention center was currently doing its annual “Kink Con.”

“Uh, Raph?” I chuckled into my phone. “I think you should get outta there before you start experiencing some freaky stuff. Probably involving fists.”

“What could you possibly do with a fist that would be beyond its regular use?” Raph protested. “Play rock paper scissors?”

“Just come up to the second floor,” I rolled my eyes, “we’ve got your badge and everything.”

I hung up the phone as I held back laughter.

“Is he alright?” Libidine questioned.

“He’s fine,” I giggled, “he’s just stuck in the middle of a sex gathering, that’s all. He should be up shortly.”

“Other people get to have all the fun,” Oliver sighed, “we should have invited the rest of our cultists down here. We could have had the annual blood orgy even sooner than usual.”

“I thought I banned those?” I warned. “No blood’s getting spilled in the Cult of Ralston, unless it’s that of our enemies.”

“Of course, King Ralston,” Oliver said with a bow, “we use wine and grape juice now instead of real blood. It’s actually a lot easier to clean up, and it’s far less sticky.”

“Things I didn’t need to know for two-hundred, Alex.” I shuddered and turned back to the autograph booths.

As we approached the back wall, I scanned our surroundings for any sign of Zeitmann.

“Let’s see … ” Cupi squinted as she looked at the banners, “a woman who wrote a book about Ancient Sumerian Demons … ”

“We’ve had too many of those lately, thank you very much,” I mused as I remembered Pazuzu and his snake dick.

“A man who claims to have been abducted by aliens,” the succubus continued, “a man claiming to be an incubus himself … some sort of gothic looking magician … and a team of ghost hunters. No Zeitmann anywhere.”

“Fucking Hell,” I grumbled, “Chort better not have led us on.”

Suddenly, the PA system of the hall shrieked as it came to life.

“Uh, attention, ladies and gentlemen,” Todd’s voice came through, “it’s your friendly neighborhood Toddster here, with a very special request.”

“How did he get to the speakers?” Jane questioned as we turned to look back at the stage.

There, in front of the microphone, stood the human form of Todd, surrounded by many of his adoring fans. As he spoke, even more people wandered over toward the stage, and it felt like the entire back of the exhibit hall was empty.

“Oh, great,” one of the authors behind us grumbled, “this fucking guy.”

“Now, I came all the way down here today because you might have heard that this year’s Paranorma-phernalia was gonna have a special guest,” the imp in disguise continued. “Welp, here he is! It’s the voice of Tuesdays with the Toddster himself, Todd Masterson!”

The crowd erupted into cheers of “Todd, Todd, Todd!” as well as the occasional whistle and scream of joy.

Holy fuck, they really did like him. But what was he doing?

“What’s his endgame here?” Oliver questioned, but I quieted the cultist with a shush.

“That’s right, boys and girls,” Todd continued as he scanned the crowd. “I’m the very special guest. Nobody else. It’s me, Tampa … It was me all along!”

“Wait!” a voice in the crowd called out. “That’s not true! I’m the special guest!”

Suddenly, a tall, middle-aged man with graying black hair dashed onto the stage. He was wearing a plain white dress shirt and dark, blue pants that were tailored at the bottom.

I recognized his voice and his gait immediately.

John Zeitmann.

Chapter 10

There were quiet murmurs as John Zeitmann made his way up onto the stage, but this only lasted for a moment. Once the crowd realized who they were looking at, they erupted into cheers, gasps, and hoots.

Zeitmann awkwardly waved to his adoring fans as he ambled over to Todd, motioned for the microphone, and then snatched it away from the imp in disguise.

“I wanted this to be a surprise,” Zeitmann sighed, “I wasn’t even listed on the program because, as you know, ‘The Man’ is after me right now. They think I’m getting too close to the truth, so they’ve started to send BPI agents out to follow me home.”

“The BPI again?” I rolled my eyes and whispered to Oliver. “Even if that were a real thing, which it’s not, there’s no way in Hell they’d waste their time going after Zeitmann with all the other crazy shit going on right now.”

“Unfortunately, the wonderful Todd here has spoiled the surprise.” John slumped his shoulders as he shot the disguised imp a glare. “It’s funny … the last time I met this guy, I could have sworn he was a three-foot tall, red-skinned imp. Now, he looks like he’s missing his talking Great Dane.”

The crowd erupted into laughter, but Todd simply scoffed at the accusation.

“And the last time I saw you,” Todd snickered and shot Zeitmann finger guns, “you were a wage slave to a bunch of rich capitalists in the most evil city in the world. Totally steady gig. Probably was making you a ton on tips alone … So, in short, you’re welcome.”

“Please,” Zeitmann scoffed, “I didn’t get into this line of work for the money. I got into it for the truth. Now, just an FYI, I’ll be in the back corner signing autographs on my book for the next hour or two. All for the low cost of forty dollars! Stick it to the man, my brothers!”

The crowd cheered once more, and all I could do was shake my head as Zeitmann stomped off the stage and then walked back out into the crowd.

What the fuck? He was right there, next to Todd, and he didn’t say a single word about me or my cult at all?

I would have figured Zeitmann would jump at the chance to meet me so he could confirm his first-hand account, the one that had been getting him called a loon for the last four years.

Yet, he brushed off Todd as if he were just another peer.

I raised an eyebrow to the imp on the stage, but he just shrugged and gave me a confused look.

Meanwhile, the entire crowd of convention-goers followed Zeitmann back across the exhibit hall, all the way back to his autograph booth.

“What the fuck was that?” I pondered aloud. “He was way too calm for meeting the people who changed his life.”

“I know, bro,” Todd agreed as he hopped off the stage. “Something ain’t right about Z-man, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

“No matter what the issue is,” I continued, “we need to get back there so I can talk to him one-on-one.”

So, the team followed the massive throng of paranormal enthusiasts back to where they were now clumped together like lemmings.

“Maybe he’s just moved on?” Cupi suggested. “It seems like he’s more interested in the apocalypse now, so perhaps he’s got a new focus?”

That’s when we saw the banner.

Right as Zeitmann sat down behind his autograph booth, a large white banner rose behind him. It had the picture of his newest book, right next to large letters reading “Zeitmann’s Signature - $40” with a small disclaimer underneath that read “Pictures - An Extra $20.”

However, it was the cover of his book that made my jaw drop.

It was a photograph of the burning Excalibur in Vegas, and just right of center, there was a red circle with a zoomed in image on an unidentified object in the sky.

Of course, I knew better. It was a picture of me carrying my unconscious friends to safety in the aftermath of our battle with Gallu.

Thankfully, even with the blown-up cover, we only appeared as blurry figures against the sprawling white cathedral that was the luxury hotel.

At the top of the cover sat the words “Uncovering the Excalibur Incident, Part 4: The Man with the Flames.”

“I definitely don’t think he’s moved on,” I whistled. “Like, at all.”

The crowd around Zeitmann was packed into the corner like sardines, and I could only slowly push forward as the paranormal expert signed autographs and chatted with his adoring fans.

Finally, after much effort, I came face to face with the man.

His head quirked to the side when he saw me, but he retained a somewhat blank expression.

“Autograph, or photo?” he asked with a fake smile.

“Mr. Zeitmann, it’s me,” I explained. “Jacob Ralston. The guy you saw at the Excalibur.”

Suddenly, the man’s expression changed into a frown, and he dropped the pen from his hand.

“It is you … ” he gasped and then began to shake.

“Look, John,” I tried to ease his nerves, “I just want to talk to you about--”

Before I could finish my sentence, Zeitmann sprang to his feet, grabbed the edge of the table, and flipped it forcefully.

I leapt backward as the plastic tabletop smashed into the floor and bounced a few inches, and then I looked up as Zeitmann took off running in the opposite direction.

Even though he’d been walking at a snail’s pace before, the paranormal expert was now dashing across the room with the speed of an Olympic sprinter.

I briefly considered using my Hellfire powers against the fleeing target, but I didn’t want to draw any more attention to us than we already had.

Then I remembered. Humans couldn’t see the magic of green flames.

That may have just been my ticket to catching this guy.

So, I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, took aim at Zeitmann, and then conjured up a large portal straight in front of his trajectory.

Much to my surprise, the man simply sidestepped the obstacle and continued to run.

“How did he know it was there?” Libidine gasped.

“I dunno,” I admitted, “but something funky is going on here. Come on! After him!”

All of us bolted toward Zeitmann, but he was already through the main doors by the time it took us to get halfway across the room. When we finally exited the exhibit hall, I frantically scanned our surroundings for the runner.

There.

He was all the way down the long stretch of carpeted hallway as he headed toward the parking garage exit.

Thankfully, I saw another familiar face appear through the elevator right next to the exit.

Raphael.

“Raph!” I called out and pointed at Zeitmann. “We’ve got a runner!”

The Archangel locked eyes with the fleeing man and then charged at him like a bull.

However, Zeitmann was too fast.

The paranormal expert saw Raphael coming, and in one swift motion he bent down, propelled himself into the air, and flipped over the Archangel.

Raphael’s eyes went wide as he crashed into a large potted plant and sent clay shards flying across the floor.

“What the fuck?” Cupi gasped. “How is that humanly possible?”

“If I tried a move like that,” Oliver noted, “I think my spine would snap right in two.”

Then it hit me. The fact he could see my telekinetic flames … the superhuman speed and agility …

“It’s not humanly possible,” I growled as I continued the chase, “because he’s not human.”

In the distance, I saw Zeitmann disappear through the door and out into the parking garage of the convention center.

“I-I tried to catch him,” Raphael panted as he jumped back to his feet and joined our hunting party. “He’s much more slippery than he looks.”

“After where you just were, bro,” Todd snickered, “I bet you know all about slipperiness. I bet that fist floor was lube city, huh?”

“I’d prefer not to talk about it,” the Archangel shuddered, “I was asked to do things that would violate every single one of my sacred oaths.”

The nine of us pushed through the doorway and out into the old, darkly-lit parking garage of the convention center. Zeitmann was nowhere to be seen, but there were only two paths he could have possibly taken.

“Todd and the succubi, come with me!” I commanded. “We’ll take the upstairs. You guys see if he went down.”

“Right away, Jacob!” Oliver called out, and then he dashed down the ramp with Raphael and Jane right behind him.

The rest of us followed the pathway that led upward until we reached the third floor of the garage. When there was still no sign of Zeitmann, we continued onward, up to the fourth and final level of the building.

The top level of the parking garage was open-air, so we were wrapped up in the warm, wet blanket of humidity the second we arrived.

However, all was not lost.

There, standing in the corner next to a cluster of garbage bins, was John Zeitmann.

Now that we weren’t surrounded by a million people, I didn’t hold back. I tossed up a cube of purple Hellfire around his body, lifted him up into the air, and dashed over to his position.

“Who are you?” I demanded. “What are you? Certainly not human, that’s for sure.”

“Why, whatever do you mean?” The dark-haired man grinned smugly. “I’m just John Zeitmann, paranormal celebrity. I don’t know why you decided to attack me.”

“Ha, yeah,” Todd joked, “and I have a tiny penis, bro.”

“Yeahhhh, that one totally doesn’t work, Todd,” I admitted to the imp, and then I closed the cube a few inches around Zeitmann.

“Have you been a demon this whole time?” Cupi asked as she approached.

“No way,” Libidine protested, “if he was, he wouldn’t be milking his fifteen minutes of fame for this long. That’s a total human move to make.”

“It doesn’t matter who I am.” The man in the box shook his head.

“What matters is your plan?” Todd shot back in a raspy, Scottish accent.

“Uh, yeah,” Zeitmann said, completely confused. “The plan. Right.”

“You better start talking,” I threatened, “because the world surely won’t suffer from having one less paranoid weirdo around.”

“But I’m not paranoid … ” Zeitmann shrugged. “If anything, you guys are giving me more evidence.”

“Dead men can’t talk,” I warned. “So, you’d better start spilling the beans while you’re alive.”

Zeitmann rolled his eyes.

“Of course you’d say something like that,” he chuckled, “just like your father … ”

I tightened the cube around him once more, until his knees were pushed up to his stomach.

“What about him?” I growled. “How the fuck do you know about my father?”

“All will be revealed in due time, Jacob,” Zeitmann sneered. “Well, not to you. You’ll be dead.”

Suddenly, a dark red Hellfire, almost maroon in color, flashed into Zeitmann’s hands. Then he snapped his fingers and, as he did so, the trash cans next to him lit up with the same mystic glow.

“A metamorphosis spell,” Cupi gasped. “But on the trash cans? What could possibly--”

The trash cans began to vibrate as a series of scuttling noises filled the air.

“Aw, fuck … ” Eclipse groaned as realization set in.

Then the plastic edges of the trash cans began to bend and crack against the weight of whatever was inside them until finally, they shattered into a million pieces and sent foul-smelling trash across the parking garage.

I just barely held down my lunch when I got a waft of the stench, and then again when I saw what had popped out of the garbage.

In front of us hovered twenty palmetto bugs, and they had now grown to the size of fucking Saint Bernard dogs.

“Aaaaah, hellll no!” Todd screamed as he began to unleash blasts of red Hellfire at the monstrosities.

The creatures scuttled out of the way of the attack before they regrouped around the trash can.

Then it happened. The thing that everybody fears the most when they see a cockroach.

The fucking things spread their wings and began to fly toward us.

Todd let out a girlish scream as he covered his face with one arm and began to throw fireballs like a pitching machine with the other.

One of the giant roaches shot straight toward me with its mouth at the ready. Zeitmann’s spell must have changed these things’ anatomy, as well, because this roach had a row of razor-sharp teeth along with prehensile tongue that came out to a deadly point. Nasty green saliva dripped from its mouth as it charged me, but I was more than ready.

I pulled out the Sword of Saints, spun to the side, and then brought it down vertically on the monster.

The oversized roach let out a gurgled wail as its head was separated from its body, and then it collapsed lifelessly to the ground. The second it was out of commission, it shrank back down to its original size, and I stomped on the tiny bug to finish it off.

You could never be too careful.

Meanwhile, the rest of my friends were already in action.

Deja’s spear was darting around while Libidine hurled yellow darts at the monsters. At the same time, Eclipse and Cupi were slashing at the roaches with their mid-range weapons, coupled with the occasional blast of Hellfire.

Even then, these things were fucking fast. They might not have been the brightest enemy we’d ever faced, but they weren’t going down as easily as I’d hoped.

“Maybe they just want sugar in water, bro!” Todd shrieked as he dove out of the way of an incoming bug and then retaliated with a blast of red flames.

The imp’s attack hit its mark, and the cockroach screamed as it burst into flames, rolled over onto its back, and flailed.

I spun back around just in time to see two more of the monstrosities heading straight for me. I tried to parry with my blade, but all I could do was hold on tight as their heads slammed into me and knocked me to the ground. Their teeth gnashed at my body, but thankfully my Caliginian armor held up.

However, the blow caused me to release my purple spell, and Zeitmann dropped to the ground.

“Don’t let him get away!” I called out to my friends as I blocked the incoming teeth with my armored arm.

I summoned red flames into my left hand, silver fire into my other, and then combined them as I commanded the metal ball at my side to liquify. Next, I ordered it to stretch out into a long, thin strip, and then I commanded that strip to wrap around both roaches’ bodies.

The searing, red-hot metal hit their exoskeletons and then burned through them like a hot knife through butter. Green liquid oozed out onto the ground as the metal passed through their bodies, and they squirmed for a few seconds more before their bodies went limp. They returned to their original size, I smashed them, and then I looked around for Zeitmann.

Surprisingly, the paranormal expert hadn’t fled. Instead, he was standing near the far wall of the garage, and he used his maroon flame to command his newly-made puppets.

Cupiditas summoned forth her wings, took to the sky, and skewered two more of the creatures with her polearm. Then she clicked the button on her weapon’s shaft, which turned her single point into a three-pronged blade. As it opened, it tore through the flesh of the roach and sliced it in half.

Cupi then spun around, blasted the chunks of dead roach with blue Hellfire, and shattered them with a quick strike from the blunt end of the polearm.

“Fucking scuttly, punk-ass, beings of pure ‘nope’ incarnate!” Todd continued to panic as he tossed out covering fire and then ran to safety behind a bunch of parked cars.

The parked cars.

Those could definitely help.

I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, surrounded an SUV and a muscle car with the spell’s glow, and raised them up into the air. Then I ordered the vehicles to surround one of the roaches, slammed them together, and heard a wet crunch as the monster was pulverized.

Just then, a blast of Divine Light shot down from the sky and turned another roach into ashes.

I looked up to see Raphael with Jane on his back and Oliver dangling like a baby kitten from his left hand. The Archangel blasted at the swarming roaches as he descended, and then he released his passengers the second his feet were on solid ground.

“We heard the commotion,” Raph explained as he drew a Bowie knife from underneath his robe. Then he let out a grunt as he stabbed the knife straight between one of the roach’s eyes and watched it go limp.

Jane and Oliver joined the fray as well, and they sent blasts of all different colored Hellfire at the flying creatures.

“Behind you, Jacob!” Deja called out from across the way.

I ducked down just in time to see a butterfly knife shoot past where my neck had just been. Then I turned, lashed out with my foot, and kicked Zeitmann straight in the gut.

The man let out an oomph of pain as he stumbled backward, but I wasn’t done with him yet.

I smashed another roach with the two cars before I tossed them back in their spots, turned back to Zeitmann, and summoned silver flames into my hand. He was coming at me with another butterfly knife, but he didn’t stand a fucking chance. I commanded the metal ball on my belt to liquify, turn into a metal lasso, and then wrap around my opponent’s legs.

Zeitmann’s eyes went wide as he was tripped up by the spell, and then his face slammed into the ground with bone-shattering force. Blood oozed from his nostrils as his body went limp, but his shallow breaths told me he was still alive.

Then he started to change.

Maroon Hellfire surrounded Zeitmann’s body, and then it began to contort and shrink, similar to how Todd’s form did when he changed. Zeitmann continued to transfigure until I was staring at a five-foot tall, lanky demon with a crooked nose and tiny, beady eyes.

“Dolo?” I gasped at the unconscious figure.

It was fucking Dolo, Lucifer’s right-hand demon. I’d been told this guy only appeared when he was delivering a direct message from his master …

Well, this message was loud and clear.

I heard the disgusting flutter of wings behind me, so I spun around and lashed out with the Sword of Saints. I held the blade straight up vertically, ducked down, and then watched as the roach disemboweled itself with its own momentum.

Its guts splashed out onto the concrete floor with a hiss, and then it crumpled to the ground, dead.

There were only four more of the creatures left, and my friends seemed to have the situation under control.

Eclipse flipped up into the air, landed atop one of the flying beasts, and then lopped off its head with the blade of her naginata. She gracefully cartwheeled off the falling monster, landed on another one, and her momentum pushed it straight down into one of Libidine’s sprays of yellow darts.

The golden daggers turned the roach’s head into a pincushion, and it fell out of the sky unceremoniously.

“Broooooooooooooo!!!!!” Todd called out from the other side of the garage.

I looked over to see the humanized imp cowering under a large truck as an oversized cockroach lashed out at him from above with its pointed antennae.

“Todd?” I called back. “What did I always tell you when we were roommates?”

“That I need to stop touching it all the time?” the imp retorted with a twinge of confusion.

“Exactly,” I confirmed. “So, stop touching it!”

The imp must have gotten my meaning, because he flattened his body against the ground and took care to make sure none of his appendages touched the metal of the vehicle.

Then I summoned red and silver Hellfire into my hands, tossed them both around the vehicle, and commanded its metal to rise up and engulf the roach.

The creature shrieked in panic and agony as it was encapsulated by the molten metal, and then its screams went silent as it was literally burned to death inside of an aluminum prison.

I turned back around to see the final bug fall, taken down by Deja’s spear.

“Thanks, Jakey,” Todd whistled as he walked back over to me. “You know how much I fucking hate bugs.”

“I remember,” I mused, “it was the only thing that motivated you to clean the apartment.”

“Fuck yeah, it did,” the imp in disguise shuddered, “I dunno about you, but I didn’t want to live in a roach motel.”

“Is that … Dolo?” Cupi gasped as the rest of the team approached the fallen demon.

“Who’s that?” Jane questioned. “Another demon who was hiding on Earth?”

“We haven’t done those sorts of adventures in forever,” Todd reminded the cultist, “get with the program. Sheesh.”

“It’s Lucifer’s right-hand demon,” Libidine explained, “which means--”

“He’s working directly under the Morning Star’s orders,” Raphael finished.

“So, wait … this doesn’t make any sense.” I shook my head. “There’s no way John Zeitmann’s been a demon this whole time. Things just don’t add up.”

“Why don’t we ask him ourselves?” Libidine suggested. “I can be quite persuasive, if you remember.”

“First, we gotta wake him up.” Cupi smiled as she summoned blue Hellfire into her hands. “A little magic ice bath should do the trick.”

I commanded the metal lasso to lift Dolo up into the air, and then Cupi hit him with a weak blast of blue.

His eyes instantly shot open as he cried out, and he began to shiver from the frigid spell.

“Start talking, Dolo,” I demanded as I held the Sword of Saints up to his throat. “Why did my father send you here? Has this whole thing with John Zeitmann been a setup?”

“I’d tell you to go to Hell,” Dolo sneered, “but apparently it’s where you flourish.”

“Let’s try that again,” Libidine noted as she bent down so she was at eye level with the demon.

The Sister of Lust’s eyes began to glow a deep violet as she stared Dolo down, and then finally the lanky servant’s body tensed up as he fell into a trance.

“I’ll ask again,” I sighed. “Why did Lucifer send you here?”

“To trap you,” Dolo muttered robotically. “He knew you’d go looking for Zeitmann to try and stop the apocalypse, and he couldn’t let that happen. I was supposed to pretend to be this guy, lure you out here, and then kill you myself.”

“Well, that obviously didn’t work,” I taunted. “Was Chort in on this? He was the one who told us Zeitmann was gonna be here.”

“Lucifer would never enlist the help of a third-rate demon like Chort,” Dolo explained, “what he told you was accurate.”

“Then where is the real Zeitmann?” I asked as my heart fell into my stomach. “Did you kill him?”

“That would be counterproductive, wouldn’t it?” Dolo snarked through his trance. “Lucifer killing his own harbinger? No, John Zeitmann is still alive and here in this very city. He’s tied up in his room at the Super 8 a few miles from here.”

We still had a chance. John Zeitmann was still alive, and still within our reach. Who knows … Maybe if we went there and freed him, the guy would be more willing to listen to us about the whole apocalypse thing.

But first, we had to deal with Dolo.

“What should we do with him?” I pondered aloud.

“I know!” Eclipse suggested with a savage grin. “We could tear him limb from limb and then feed him to these fucking roaches.”

“Nah, too painless,” Todd scoffed, “and by that I mean, the pain would be over too quickly.”

“Why don’t we take him back to your castle and let Ira have a go at him?” Oliver suggested. “She’s surely thinking up new ways to torture our enemies.”

“Why do we have to kill him at all?” Raphael spoke up. “Not that I truly care what happens to an evil demon, but must we always be so quick to resort to violence?”

“This is why you sucked at GTA, Raphey,” Todd sighed. “No killer instinct.”

“I wanted to obey the laws of traffic, Todd!” Raph shot back. “If that meant the other gang members were able to catch up to my character and kill him, then that’s the price I pay for being a good citizen.”

“Laaaaaaame,” the imp chuckled.

“I think Raphael’s right, you know,” Cupi suggested. “We shouldn’t kill him. I think we should send a message of our own back to Lucifer, using his own messenger.”

I liked where she was going with this. In fact, I was already two steps ahead of her.

I called silver Hellfire into my hands, commanded the lasso to come back to me, and then formed my warhammer.

Dolo, now free from Liby’s trance, hit the ground with a violent crash and then attempted to flee. However, my friends were much too quick.

Eclipse and Libidine both grabbed the demon by the shoulders, pinned him down, and then held him in place.

Dolo’s eyes got as big as saucers when he saw my warhammer, and he began to plead for his life.

“D-Don’t kill me!” he begged. “I can give you anything you want! Just ask your father.”

“I don’t want anything from you, Dolo,” I growled, but then I changed my tone. “Actually, scratch that. I do want something from you … I want you to tell my father that we have better things to do than fuck around with his demon boy toys. If he sends you or any of his other bastard servants after us, we’ll kill them. Or worse.”

“W-Worse?” Dolo asked, but then his face turned into a look of instant regret.

“Worse,” I confirmed as I raised the warhammer over my head.

“P-please don’t--”

I brought the flat end of the weapon down on Dolo’s right kneecap and heard a wet crunch as it shattered underneath the warhammer’s weight. Dolo let out a shriek of pain, but I wasn’t done yet.

I raised the hammer above my head once more and then slammed it into his left knee. This time, I just barely missed the cap. Instead, I struck his femur with the full force of my blow, and Dolo’s leg twisted awkwardly to the side as the bone inside snapped in half.

Finally, I stepped away from the demon, and I was satisfied with my work.

“You’re fucking crazy!” Dolo howled in agony. “I told Lucifer fucking that girl was a bad idea! You’re--you’re almost as bad as him!”

“That’s what I like to hear.” I shrugged. “Now, run back to my father and let him know about our little chat here today.”

Dolo nodded, and then turned around and dragged himself away toward a nearby vehicle. We watched as he climbed up inside, started it up, and then drove down the ramp toward the exit.

“How the fuck is he even driving, bro?” Todd asked curiously. “He ain’t got no usable legs.”

“He’s a demon, Todd,” I explained, “it’s probably some hand-wavy magic thing.”

I returned the warhammer into the metal ball, placed it back on my belt, and then picked up the Sword of Saints. Once all my weapons were back in place, I headed back down the ramp, back toward our vehicle.

“Where are you going, Jacob?” Raphael questioned.

“To Shadow,” I explained over my shoulder. “We still need to have a chat with John Zeitmann.”

Hopefully, our chat with the paranormal celebrity would go better the second time around.

Chapter 11

As Shadow and Lola pulled out onto the streets of Tampa, I noticed a slew of red and blue lights approaching from a distance.

“Somebody must have called the cops,” Jane noted as she craned her neck around to get a better view.

“Not surprising.” Eclipse shrugged. “We certainly made enough of a commotion up there to attract some unwanted attention.”

“It probably wasn’t even that,” Cupi chuckled. “They probably called the police when they saw ‘Zeitmann’ take off like he did. Those conference goers were quite paranoid, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they said we were there to kill him or something.”

“Probably thought we were members of the BPI.” I rolled my eyes as we sped down the street. “Since they all seem to think that’s a real thing.”

Thankfully, we were already down the street and turning when the cops rolled up to the convention center. We whipped around the corner, cut through the traffic on the streets of downtown Tampa, and then hit the main road. Finally, once I assumed the coast was clear, I pulled into the parking lot of some run-down fast food joint to talk things over with my friends.

I rolled down the window and then indicated for Todd to do the same. The second it was down, the entire parking lot was hit with the reverberating jams of Motley Crue.

“Somebody called the Feds on us, bro!” the imp in disguise gasped as he turned down the radio. “They probably woulda caught us too, if it hadn’t been for that sweet peel out turn I did back there.”

“I don’t think it’s the Feds,” I mused, “they were regular ‘ol police cars.”

“That’s what they want you to think, bro.” Todd shook his head.

“Either way, we lost them,” I conceded. “More importantly, we need to figure out where the real Zeitmann is staying, especially since the guy who was taking care of him is now crawling back to Lucifer with two less kneecaps.”

“I’ve looked through all the hotels in the immediate vicinity,” Raphael spoke up from the passenger seat of the vehicle. “Zeitmann doesn’t seem to be on the list for any of them.”

“Which ones did you check?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

“The usual suspects,” Raph shrugged and then began to count on his fingers, “Motel 6, the Holiday Inn, Super 8 … None of them seem to have any record of a John Zeitmann checking in.”

“Well, there’s your first problem, bro,” Todd sighed. “Zeitmann would never, ever stay at a place like that. Too mainstream. Too easy to find. Also, no way in Hell he uses his real name. It’s gotta be an alias like Seymour Butts or Ivanna Fucher or Jurgen Ovf.”

The lightbulb went on in my head. Maybe we couldn’t find John Zeitmann using conventional methods, but we did have an ace in the hole. A guy whose mind functioned just like Zeitmann’s, somebody who was super into the occult and paranoid about the government.

We had Todd.

“Todd,” I got the imp’s attention, “if you had to stay somewhere here in this city, where would you go?”

The man-imp stroked his blond soul patch as he pondered the question.

“It’d have to be a locally-run motel or location,” he explained, “probably in a not so nice part of town. But not, like, a dangerously bad part of town. Being able to walk down the street and buy tacos is a must, and you can’t really do that in the ghetto, bro.”

“Oliver?” I asked my cult leader. “Can you do some research and--”

“Already on it, Jacob,” the white-haired man said as he fiddled on his phone. “Todd, would this sort of an area be located next to a Starbucks?”

“Starbucks?” the blond imp scoffed. “How fucking bougie do you think I’m tryin’ ta be?”

“I’ll take that as a ‘no,’” the cultist sighed.

“What about transportation?” I asked the imp. “Would you bring your own vehicle, or would you Uber?”

“Neither, bro,” Todd shook his head, “I’d take the bus or the train. If you take your own car, the people tailing you will know you left. And if you Uber, they can totally track you on their phone.”

“Look and see where all the bus stops are in these ‘not so nice’ neighborhoods,” I ordered my cult leader. “Then cross-reference that list with the list of hotels you just found.”

“Just one moment … ” Oliver muttered as he continued to type. “Annnnnd there! I’ve found three different cheap hotels, within walking distance of a bus station, in the more mediocre parts of town.”

The cultist raised the screen up to show me the three options. The first one was called the Bayside Inn, and it looked like something straight out of one of the drug houses in Breaking Bad. Then there was the Evergreen Economy Suites, a modest two-story joint that definitely had roach problems at one point in time. Finally, there was a coastal economy inn called the Seashore Suites.

“Which one of these would you stay at, Todd?” I questioned the imp, but he just raised an eyebrow in my direction.

“I thought we were sleepin’ in the car, bro?” he mused. “Are you gonna put us up in a hotel so we can sleep in style?”

“Not exactly,” I explained, “but I need to know how somebody like Zeitmann thinks. That’s the only way we’re going to find him in a city this large.”

“Ohhhhhh,” Todd chuckled. “I totally see what you’re doing here. You’re Hannibal-ing me, aren’t you? I’m telling you right now, bro … if we come across a dude who wears other peoples’ skin and tucks his junk between his legs all the time, I’m out.”

“I don’t think that’ll be a problem,” I snorted. “Now, which one would you choose?”

Todd mulled his choices over for a moment before he crossed his arms over his chest and huffed.

“Definitely not the first one,” he admitted. “That thing’s so sketchy, I’d be surprised if there was anyone there who wasn’t trying to hide out from the law. And the third one? No way am I staying in a hotel on the beach. That’s how they spy on you via the sea, bro … ”

“So, you think he’s staying in the Evergreen Economy Suites?” Cupi spoke up.

“That’s where I’d stay.” The imp shrugged. “Not too shitty, but not so bougie it’s outta my price range. Plus, it’s the last place people would think to look, since they’d expect me to be holed up in a shitty roach motel. But after today, I never wanna see another fucking roach again, bro.”

“Then I guess we’re headed to the Evergreen Economy Suites,” I noted as I kicked Shadow back into gear. “Catch you when we get there!”

Shadow’s wheels screeched against the pavement as we peeled out of the parking lot and then sped down the road with Lola right behind. Oliver navigated with the GPS on his phone, and within twenty minutes we were inside the parking lot of the Evergreen Economy Suites.

The building didn’t look like anything special, just a large, three-story structure painted an off-color tan, with green accents that matched its roof. The entire thing was built to look like an old hacienda ranch house, and it used the same rough stucco exterior and large, circular archways.

Todd was definitely right. There was absolutely nothing about this place that would have stuck out to potential investigators.

We found two parking spots right across from each other, and then we exited our vehicles and headed for the sliding glass doors of the entrance.

The interior of the hotel was just as gaudy as the outside. Tacky, light-brown wood panels stretched halfway up the eggshell white walls, and all around the room were various “bay area” inspired paintings of harbors, cruise ships, dolphins, and unidentified beaches, framed as if they weren’t things you could see just outside the walls of the hotel. A frumpy old woman sat at the front desk with tiny-framed glasses that sat on the edge of her nose.

“Let me handle her,” Raphael whispered. “I have found I can be quite persuasive, especially with the older ladies.”

“Who you calling old, Raphey?” Todd snickered and then slapped Raphael on the back. “You’ve got, what, a couple million years on her? If anything, you’re the one robbing the cradle here!”

“Perhaps,” the Archangel boasted, “but even then, I haven’t lost my boyish good looks.”

“Like Frank Sinatra with a man-bun,” the imp interjected. “Now, go rob that cradle, Raphey.”

“What name should I ask her to find?” the Archangel questioned. “You said he wouldn’t be under the name ‘John Zeitmann.’”

“No way, bro,” Todd agreed, “if I was Johnny boy here, I’d probably go under the name Ed Warren.”

“The character from The Conjuring?” I pondered.

“Jakey.” Todd shook his head. “Jaaaaakey. I’ve failed you as a teacher, bro. Ed and Lorraine Warren were totally real people who were like, the superstars of the paranormal world. A modern-day paranormal celebrity trying to hide his identity? I’d bet my left nut that’s the name he’s staying under.”

“Here goes nothing,” the Archangel muttered.

The rest of the team followed Raphael up to the front desk and then watched as he straightened his hair, rolled up the sleeves of his robe, and leaned in against the desk roguishly.

“Hi, there,” the man’s deep, monotone voice greeted the woman. “We were supposed to meet one of our friends here, but we’re not sure what room he’s in. His name is Ed Warren.”

The woman looked down over her glasses and then grimaced.

“I’m afraid I can’t help you with that,” she shrugged, “I’m not allowed to give out customer information.”

Raphael frowned, but then he reached up and released his hair, taking care to keep his HALO on his wrist. The Archangel shook his hair around like a model, brushed it out of his face, and then gave the woman an intense stare.

“Are you sure you can’t help us?” he pouted. “Our friend will be very disappointed if we don’t find him.”

She wasn’t having any of it.

“Maybe you should just call him, if it’s so important?” she grumbled back with a librarian’s stare.

“His--His phone’s off,” Raph lied. “It would really help us if--”

“I can’t give you customer information.” The old woman shook her head. “I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is.”

“Should I step in?” Libidine whispered.

“No need, Lib,” Todd proclaimed as he stepped toward the desk. “Tell you what … you give us the info we want, and I’ll go buy you a whole package of Werther’s. Not the small ones, either … I’m talkin’ the one-pound bag.”

The old woman’s eyes went wide before a deep blush crept to her face, and then she gave Todd a sultry look.

“Why hello, handsome.” She smiled. “Why didn’t you come to me first?”

“Uhhhhh.” Todd looked around awkwardly. “Look, Golden Girl, I just wanna find out where our friend is. Can’t ya help an imp out here?”

“Are you sure you don’t want a room?” the old woman continued. “I could take you there right now.”

Todd was trying to keep his cool, but I could tell he was on the verge of losing his shit. The only question was, would Todd say something horrifically offensive, or was he gonna vomit?

“If you could tell us where our friend is, I’d totally let you take me up to his room.” Todd fidgeted. “So, uh, where is he?”

“Slow down there, Bob Dylan.” The old woman grinned as she began to type away at her computer. “Warren, you say?”

“That’s the one!” The visibly-worried imp nodded.

“Room three-oh-nine,” the receptionist conceded. “But promise me one thing … ”

“Sure thing, Gladus.” Todd gulped.

“Make sure you stop by and say goodbye before you leave,” she giggled.

“Can do!” The disguised imp shot her a double thumbs-up, and then scurried away as quickly as he could.

“Come back soooooon,” the receptionist called out as she watched him go.

Raph was right behind Todd, followed by the rest of us. Once we were down the hall and finally out of earshot of the woman at the desk, Todd spun around, leaned against the wall with his left arm, and let out a deep sigh.

“I coulda died back there, bro,” he gagged, “how the fuck would that even work? Like, it’s gotta be so dry down there … like fucking an old leather shoe.”

“What’s wrong, ‘Bob Dylan?’” I prodded as I pressed the button to call the elevator. “I thought you’d be happy to be associated with a hippie icon.”

“Not that way, bro,” Todd shuddered, “not. In. That. Way.”

“I’m just glad you were there to take the heat off me,” Raphael admitted, “I’ve never met an Earth woman who was immune to my charms.”

“I guess you’re just losin’ your mojo, Raphey,” the imp in disguise smiled weakly, “next thing ya know, you’ll be takin’ Divine Viagra just to keep it up.”

“There is no such thing,” Raph scoffed as the elevator arrived.

“There should be,” the imp continued, “Diviagra, for when your serpent has trouble getting Eve to sin.”

We all burst out laughing at the horribly inappropriate joke. At least, everyone but Raphael.

“Buck up, Raph,” Cupi chuckled, “you know that was funny.”

“Sacreligious, that’s what it was.” The Archangel frowned.

“You’re currently assisting a Demon King who’s trying to stop the apocalypse from happening, all while keeping it a secret from the Exalted One,” I reminded him, “I think you’re way deeper than ‘sacrilege.’”

The elevator finally came to the third floor, and the nine of us wandered out into the hallway, which was stained with all sorts of unidentifiable spots. Then we followed the numbers posted on the doors until we found our destination, room three-hundred and nine.

I reached down and twisted the door handle, but nothing happened.

“It’s locked,” I sighed.

As if that was going to stop us, though.

I summoned silver Hellfire into my hand, touched the doorknob, and liquified it instantly. The metallic fluid slithered downward until it formed a puddle on the floor, and then there was a giant hole where it had once stood. Without a locking mechanism, the door swung open freely with a loud, squawking creak.

Suddenly, there was the sound of muffled screams.

I dashed into the hotel room, turned to the bed, and saw him.

John Zeitmann, the real John Zeitmann, was tied to the bedposts by his wrists and ankles. He had a bright red ball gag in his mouth, and he had been stripped down to just a pair of plaid boxer shorts. His face lit up with a mixture of confusion and relief when he saw us enter, and he began to struggle with his bonds.

I walked over to the man, pulled out my goat-headed dagger, and then watched as he began to squirm in terror.

“It’s alright, John,” I reassured the man, “I’m not here to hurt you.”

I cut the paranormal expert’s feet free first, and then I moved up to his arms. Once those were free, he ripped the ball gag from around his face and let out a deep sigh.

“I thought I was going to die in here,” he admitted in a raspy, dry voice.

“Get him some water,” I commanded, and then Deja dashed off to find a cup. “You’re safe now, Mr. Zeitmann. The demon who impersonated you has been taken care of.”

“Taken care of? Do you mean--” Zeitmann made a slitting motion across his throat, accompanied by the appropriate sound.

“Not dead,” I admitted, “but he’s going to think long and hard before he shows his face here on Earth again.”

“Here’s some water!” Deja exclaimed as she came back with a tiny plastic cup and handed it to John. “Poor guy, you sound like you just swallowed a bunch of sand.”

John downed the entire drink in a single gulp, let out a loud “ahhh,” and then surveyed the room. As he did so, the color seemed to drain from his face.

“So, I take it you know who we are?” I chuckled.

“How could I forget?” Zeitmann shook his head. “You’re the man from Vegas. The one who burned down the Excalibur.”

“Jakey didn’t burn it down!” Todd interjected. “That was the sorry reject from the McDonalds-Matrix crossover.”

“And you’re--The Toddster?” he gasped as realization set in. “You were the little creature!”

“Ain’t nothing little about me, Johnny boy,” Todd snickered.

“I recognize you two, as well … ” Zeitmann pointed between Cupi and Liby. “You were in the room.”

“My name is Jacob Ralston,” I explained, “and that’s right, I’m the man who ruined your life that day all those years ago.”

Zeitmann quirked his head to the side.

“Ruined my life?” he questioned. “The Excalibur burning down was the best thing that ever happened to me! Wait … are you with the BPI?”

Again with the BPI.

“No,” I sighed, “but what you saw in the hotel room that day? It was true. All of it.”

“Jacob … ” Raphael warned, “are you sure you should--”

“He deserves to know the truth,” I interjected. “It’s the least we can do after letting him get dragged into our mess.”

I sat down on the bed next to John Zeitmann and began to explain everything that had happened. I told him about how Todd and I summoned the first two succubi, and then how I proceeded to become a demon hunter, then a succubus lord, and then finally a Demon King.

As I spoke, Zeitmann’s face was frozen in a look of awe.

“I can’t believe it … ” he mused as he sat back in his bed. “After all these years of being called crazy … the ridicule and laughter … I was right. You are all living proof of the paranormal, in the flesh.”

“Don’t get too excited,” Cupi warned. “You know we can’t come out and confirm your story, right? That would break all sorts of interdimensional laws, and the last thing we need right now is the Exalted One coming after us.”

“Of course,” Zeitmann nodded, “but it’s comforting to know I’m not crazy like everybody thinks I am. For a while there, I started to believe them.”

“Tell me about it, bro,” Todd agreed, “I think I’ve been called every name in the damn book for the shit I’ve been talking about, and almost all of it’s been proven true!”

“I’ll admit,” I chuckled, “I was one of those non-believers, and now I’m a Demon King.”

“But why did you come to rescue me?” Zeitmann questioned. “Surely, as a Demon King, you have much more important things going on than saving the human who’s constantly tried to out you.”

“We would like some answers,” Oliver spoke up. “Your message lately has changed into something a bit more … grim than normal.”

“In particular,” Jane added, “we want to know why you’re going around talking about Revelations.”

“Oh, that?” John asked with a raised eyebrow. “I’m just trying out something new, that’s all. The whole ‘I survived a demon encounter in Vegas’ can only be milked so dry.”

There was something off about Zeitmann’s comment. Maybe it was his tone of voice, or maybe it was the way he fidgeted when he spoke.

“So, you’re turning to the end of the world?” I questioned. “That seems like a big jump.”

“It gets ratings,” the paranormal expert shrugged, “and besides, it’s going to happen eventually. Why not warn people about it now?”

“Because that’s just a tad sensationalist,” Eclipse explained.

“And the rest of my work isn’t?” he admitted with a chuckle.

“Well, we’re here to ask you to stop,” I said and finally opened the can of worms. “I know you’re just doing what you can to stay relevant, but we think that if you don’t stop, you may accidentally bring on the apocalypse for real.”

Zeitmann’s brow furrowed as a frown spread to his face.

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

“We believe you are being used by Lucifer,” Raphael added, “used as an unknowing pawn to be the messenger for the End Times.”

“Impossible,” the balding man scoffed, but his voice cracked as he did so. “I’m just a regular human.”

“Bro,” Todd sighed, “think about the Book of Revelations. Who’s the guy who goes around spreading the word about the End of Days?”

Zeitmann thought about it for a moment, and then his eyes opened wide.

“A man named John,” he whispered.

“We think that’s you, Mr. Zeitmann,” I continued. “Other weird shit has been happening around the different universes, and we’re worried it’s all aligning a bit too well. Whatever your reason is for this change in your message, we all think it’d be best if you stopped.”

“Uh, right.” The man looked at the ground conspicuously. “Of course. I’d hate to bring about the end of the world.”

My eyes narrowed as I watched the already-nervous man continue to fidget and pick at his nails.

“John … ” I changed my tone, “what aren’t you telling us?”

Zeitmann’s eyes shot up to meet my own, and they were now nearly as big as saucers.

“N-nothing!” he proclaimed. “I’ve told you everything you need to know.”

“You’re lying,” Cupi growled as she walked over to the man and got in his face. “We drove all the way down here from Arizona. If we leave here and then find out you’re not telling the truth? Well, let’s just say we can pull a Dolo on you, too.”

“Pull a Dolo?” the man asked nervously.

“That was the demon who snatched you,” Libidine added, “Jacob broke his legs and sent him back down to Hell.”

“Wha--I don’t think that’s necessary.” Zeitmann gulped.

“Then tell us whatever it is you’re hiding,” I demanded. “You seem like a really nice guy, John. I don’t want to have to force it out of you against your will.”

“Which I most certainly can do,” Liby added as her eyes began to glow purple.

“Alright!” John conceded as he threw his hands up into the air. “Fine, fine! Just promise you won’t think any less of me … ”

“Not possible, bro,” Todd reassured him, completely unaware of the irony.

Zeitmann crossed his hands between his legs and hung his head somberly.

“The reason my message has changed recently is because, well … I’ve been getting paid to change it,” he sighed.

“Brooooooo,” Todd shook his head, “rule number one of being a paranormal expert is you don’t ever, ever sell out like that.”

“I know!” The man now looked like he was on the verge of tears. “But you don’t understand. The Vegas story was starting to run dry, and this man offered me millions of dollars to do it. How could I refuse?”

“What man?” I questioned.

“I-I never got his name,” John admitted, “or at least, I never really paid attention to it. The second he told me he’d pay me three million dollars a year, I told him I was in.”

“Yikes,” Todd whistled, “you’re breaking all sorts of paranormal bro codes. What if the dude was representing ‘The Man?’”

“Come on,” John shot back, “you really think you would have turned down three million a year? Especially when you’re down on your luck?”

Todd mulled it over and then gave a hearty nod. “Okay, you gotta point.”

“Do you have anything that could identify who this man is?” I asked. “Like a letter or a picture or something like that?”

I didn’t want to sound too demanding, but I also wanted to know who this wealthy benefactor was. If he was trying to bring about the apocalypse, we were going to need to have a little chat with him, too.

“I don’t have any pictures,” John explained, “but I definitely remember what he looks like. He had slicked-back black hair and a sleek, gray suit with a red tie. Every single time I saw him, he was wearing the same outfit … ”

“So, he’s a greaseball with a suit in Tampa,” Todd snorted, “that narrows it down to about, oh, a few thousand people.”

“He also told me his name was Lou,” the paranormal expert continued, “but that could be an alias, for all I know.”

“No last name?” I questioned, but John just shrugged.

“How does this man pay you?” Oliver added. “Cash? Direct deposit? Check?”

“Check,” Zeitmann confirmed, and then his eyes lit up. “Perhaps that’s it! I haven’t had time to cash his last check for, well, obvious reasons. It’s still in my suitcase over there, in the front compartment.”

Jane walked over to the man’s suitcase, unzipped the front compartment, and began to fumble around inside for the check. Then she came up with a small, rectangular piece of paper and held it high above her head.

“Got it!” she exclaimed, and then she held it out in front of her.

Suddenly, Jane’s smile faded, along with all the color in her face.

“What’s wrong, Jane?” Oliver asked as he walked over and inspected the check.

Then the white-haired cultist bit his lip as he held back a gasp.

“What is it?” Cupi demanded. “Who is this guy?”

Jane walked back over to our group and then held up the check for all of us to see.

It was notarized by some bank called “Falling Star Credit Union,” and was made out for the amount of two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

Then I saw the signature.

Even though it was written in elegant cursive, I could read it plain as day.

Lou C. Fierre.

“You gotta be shitting me,” I groaned when I realized the play on words.

“What’s wrong, bro?” Todd asked. “Are the Fierres like, some noble family or something?”

“Lou C. Fierre,” I said aloud.

“I still don’t get it.” The imp shrugged.

“Lucifer,” I explained.

“Lucifer?” Libidine gasped. “He’s the one who’s been paying Zeitmann?”

“Wait, wait,” John interjected. “You mean Lucifer as in, the Devil? The dude with giant horns and red skin and a pitchfork Lucifer?”

“Yes, that Lucifer,” Raphael confirmed. “This all makes so much more sense now … ”

“How so, Raphey?” Todd questioned. “Like, I totally know how it all fits together, with my Sherlock Holmes mind and all that, but I dunno if the girls know, sooooooo … ”

“By agreeing to this arrangement,” the Archangel explained, “John has made a literal deal with the Devil. This means that whatever their terms were, they are bound in blood.”

“Bound in blood?” John muttered. “Did I sell my soul to Satan?”

“Not quite,” Raph continued, “but this is the next worst thing.”

“What are you saying, Raph?” I prompted, though I already feared that I knew.

“What I’m saying is this situation is much more dire than I originally thought.” Raphael shook his head. “Lucifer is purposely trying to bring about the End Times.”

Chapter 12

“What would Lucifer get out of starting the end of the world?” I questioned as I stood up from the bed and began pacing around the hotel room. “I thought the Rapture was the end goal of the Exalted One?”

“Perhaps,” Raphael pondered aloud, “but remember what happens to all the humans on Earth who are left behind. The non-believers.”

“Oh, shit!” Todd gasped. “They have to star in a shitty movie with Kirk Cameron or Nicholas Cage?”

“Not quite … ” Raph rolled his eyes. “They’ll be stuck down here on Earth to be tried and tortured for their sins. It’s supposedly quite the spectacle.”

“So, my father just wants to have some new souls to torture?” I rubbed my temples. “That doesn’t make any sense. He gets thousands of new Shades down in Hell every day.”

“But that’s changing, isn’t it?” Eclipse said as realization dawned on her face. “Slowly but surely, you and your allies are taking over Hell and changing the way it works.”

“Which means he’s running out of places to torture souls,” Cupi added, “which means he needs to branch out to new places to find them.”

“What do we do now?” Libidine asked with concern in her voice. “If this John won’t act as Lucifer’s harbinger, then he’ll probably just find another one to pay.”

“Hold that thought,” I announced as I surveyed the room.

I noticed Zeitmann had a bucket of ice on one of the end tables of his room, so I dashed over, picked it up, and took a cold cube into my hand. Then I began to walk around the room and, as I walked, I placed the cubes down on the floor until I’d created a giant circle. Once that was done, I placed the bucket back onto the bed, ran over to my friends, and motioned for them to join hands.

“What are you--” Zeitmann began, but Cupi interrupted him.

“Just do it,” she ordered, and the paranormal expert complied.

I mumbled the sacred words that would protect us from Lucifer’s gaze, and as I did so, the cubes on the floor began to glow with the bright white enchantment that let me know the spell had worked.

“There,” I said as I released my grip. “Now he can’t hear us.”

“W-What did you just do?” John gasped.

“Protective circle,” Jane explained. “It’s so the big guy downstairs can’t hear what we’re saying.

“We don’t have long,” I noted as I glanced around at the ice cubes. “Those things will melt in a few minutes, and then the spell will be rendered useless. John, you’re going to keep taking Lucifer’s money.”

“What?” all of my friends seemed to gasp in unison.

“Jacob,” Raphael warned, “if he continues to take the money and spread the word about the apocalypse, the entire world is in danger of annihilation.”

“That’s why we keep in contact with him,” I continued. “John will keep taking the money, but then he’ll reach out to Oliver and Jane and tell them exactly what message he’s supposed to be spouting off that month. Then, once we have our insider info, we can stop anything Lucifer does before it happens.”

“Not to overstep my bounds,” Oliver noted with a raised finger, “but that sounds somewhat risky, King Ralston.”

“It’s very risky.” I shrugged. “But it’s going to be ten times worse if Lucifer goes and finds another mortal to deliver his message. One we might not be able to find. Better the Devil you know, right?”

“Quite literally, in this case,” Deja giggled.

“I … I don’t know if I can continue interacting with this guy now that I know he’s the Devil.” Zeitmann shuddered. “To know he’s pure evil incarnate, standing right in front of me, and that I’ll be doing his wicked bidding? I don’t know if I can handle that, Jacob.”

“You don’t have anything to worry about,” I reassured him as I placed my hand on his shoulder. “If any of Lucifer’s messages are set to come true, we’ll take care of it. We’re not going to let the world end.”

“Yeah,” Todd snickered, “the dynamic duo of Todd and Jakey, with the help of my other sidekicks of course, will single-handedly knock off whatever apocalyptic bullshit Big Red can throw at us.”

“Big Red?” Libidine giggled.

“Yeah,” Todd explained, “that’s the name I just came up with for Jakey’s Dad. Ya like it?”

“It’s quite fitting.” Cupi shrugged.

“Anywho, don’t worry, Johnny Boy,” the imp in disguise promised. “This group right here? We’re gonna single-handedly stop the apocalypse.”

Maybe it was just the way Todd worded the sentence, or maybe it was just the first time I had a moment to truly ponder what we were talking about. Either way, I could feel the color drain from my face, and my heart sank down into my chest.

The apocalypse. We’d just agreed to literally stave off the apocalypse.

“I suppose … ” Zeitmann conceded. “I mean, what have I got to lose? I’m still gonna be paid millions of dollars to do what I love, and if you guys are right, then I’m still gonna have the rest of my life to spend it. And if you’re wrong? Well … at least the Zeitmann gets to go out on top of the paranormal world!”

I extended my hand out to the balding, dark haired man, and he shook it limply.

“So, we have a deal?” I asked. “You keep going on like nothing has happened, and then report everything you’re told back to my cultists?”

“I can live with that.” John nodded.

“Unfortunately, there is still one more thing we need to do,” Cupiditas spoke up, “and I apologize in advance.”

Cupi nodded to Oliver and Jane, who then both drew their goat-headed daggers.

“Whoa! Whoa!” Zeitmann gasped as he threw up his hands. “I said I’d work with you!”

“If you come out of this protective circle unharmed, Lucifer will know something fishy is going on,” Jane sighed, “so, we need to make it look like we roughed you up a little bit.”

“Rough me up?” The man shook his head. “Are you going to hurt me?”

“Of course not,” Oliver chuckled. “What do you think we are, sadists?”

“I mean, you are wearing cultist robes,” Zeitmann shot back, “and weren’t you the Cult of Azazel before? I’ve heard lots of stories about the weird stuff you guys have done in the past … ”

“That was then, this is now.” Oliver shrugged. “The Cult of Ralston only kills demons or other supernatural beings that dare cross our leader.”

Jane sauntered over to the pale, salmon and brown curtains in front of the window and then made a gagging sound.

“And these curtains,” she chuckled, “these are almost worse abominations than the demons.”

The brunette cultists stabbed her dagger into the fabric and then ripped it downward. At the same time, Oliver started to repeatedly stab his weapon into the faux oak wood of the dresser.

“Holy shit!” Todd giggled with glee. “I’ve always wanted to do one of those rage room things!”

The imp in disguise proceeded to run over to the flat screen TV, yank it off the wall, and held it over his head like he was a pro wrestler. Then he spun it around so it was facing the ground length-wise, hopped up into the air, and put the top of it between his knees. The plastic casing of the television snapped immediately when he hit the ground, and a massive crack shot up the screen.

But he wasn’t done with it yet.

Todd stood up, looked out at the invisible crowd, and motioned for them to get loud. Then he nodded, patted his elbow, and fell down so it slammed straight through the TV.

“Is that really necessary?” a horrified John Zeitmann asked.

“Listen, jabroni,” Todd emulated in the Rock’s voice, “I just had to teach this pansy-ass television to know its role and to shut its mouth.”

I looked over and saw Eclipse, Deja, Cupi, and Libidine had all gotten in on the action, as well.

“Fore!” Libidine giggled as she tossed a coffee mug at Cupi, who then proceeded to shatter it with the blunt end of her polearm.

Meanwhile, Deja was scratching every profanity she knew into the walls with the point of her chain and spear. Eclipse must have been off in the bathroom, though, because I could hear the sound of porcelain and glass shattering in the distance.

Even Raphael had gotten in on the mayhem. The Archangel had a furrowed brow as he stood over a tissue box, yanked each tissue out in rapid succession, and then flung them into the air carelessly.

What a fucking rebel.

Finally, once all was said and done, the group returned to my side and marveled at their work.

“H-how am I gonna explain this to the room service?” Zeitmann whined.

“Tell them ‘the truth.’” I air quoted. “Some crazy people broke into your hotel room, trashed the place, and threatened to kill you. Fuck, tell them it was the BPI or whatever, since that’d be right up your alley.”

“They’re not going to believe that,” the paranormal expert sighed, “they never do.”

“Then pay them off,” I offered. “Oliver? Are you still the traveling bank for the Cult of Ralston?”

“I sure am!” The white-haired cultist grinned, pulled the belt off his robe, and then opened it up excitedly.

“Jesus, Ollie!” Todd screamed as he covered his eyes. “Warn a guy before ya go whipping it out like a teen who just discovered the safe search was disabled!”

“I’m fully clothed under the robe, Todd,” Oliver explained.

Now that his robe was open, I could see the cult leader’s fashion faux pas in all its glory. On his feet were a pair of dirty white socks, covered by the “oh-so-fashionable” black rubber Crocs he always wore. His socks came up to his shins, and then there was a large gap that revealed his pale skin before his legs were covered up by his baggy, camouflage cargo shorts. As if that wasn’t enough, the shirt on his torso was horrifically hilarious.

“Wh-what … ” Todd snorted as he pointed and tried to hold in his laugh. “What. Is. That?”

“This?” Oliver looked down at the dark mesh, see-through shirt on his body. “This is my undershirt. It gives me an extra layer of fabric for protection, but it’s completely breathable. Almost like I’m not wearing any shirt whatsoever!”

“You look like the world’s worst stripper!” Todd fell down to his knees and laid his face in his hands as he laughed. “Geriatrics, please welcome to the stage the Cargo King … The Crocs ‘n Socks himself, Ollie!”

“That’s not my name,” the white-haired cultist protested.

“It is when your German-pornstar-lookin’ ass is up on that stage!” the imp snorted through his cackles.

Oliver simply rolled his eyes, reached into the pocket of one of his cargo shorts, and produced a handful of hundred-dollar bills. Then he walked over to the stunned Zeitmann, placed the wad into his hand, and smiled proudly.

“There,” the white-haired cultist mused, “that should be enough to cover any damages they might charge you for. Also, here is my contact information so you can let us know when Lucifer reaches out.”

“We should go,” Eclipse warned. “I’m sure all this commotion attracted somebody’s attention, and the whole charade is lost if we’re still here when the manager arrives.”

“Do I need to carry him out?” Raphael joked as he pointed down at Todd.

“Nah, nah, I’m good,” the imp reassured us as he stood to his feet and wiped away a tear. “I can just die happy now, that’s all.”

“How are you going to get out without anyone seeing you?” Zeitmann questioned.

“Same way you’ve seen us do it before.” I winked at the man and then summoned green Hellfire into my hand.

Zeitmann stood there for a moment with pure confusion on his face. He looked back and forth between my hand and my face, and then he quirked his head to the side.

“Regular humans can’t see green Hellfire, bro,” Todd whispered into my ear.

“Oh, right.” I laughed. “John, I’m going to teleport us out of here using some demonic magic.”

I spread the emerald flames across the floor so they engulfed the rest of my team, and then I closed my eyes and focused on the task at hand. I thought about my father, trying to bring about the end of the world for his own selfish reasons. I thought about all the people who would die if he was successful, or if for some reason we weren’t able to stop him. Feelings of disgust boiled up from the deepest pit of my stomach as my mind raced, and soon I had enough power to get us all out of here.

“Bye, Johnny boy,” I heard Todd bid Zeitmann farewell.

I pictured our two vehicles out in the parking lot, and then I felt my body become weightless as it floated up into the air.

“Holy shit!” John gasped.

Then I teleported us back out to the parking lot, right in between where Shadow and Lola were stationed.

“Ten bucks says he milks that little encounter for the next five years,” Todd snorted as the glow faded from his body.

“I just hope he’s not foolish enough to include Lucifer in his account,” Raphael added. “Being outed to the mortal world isn’t something he takes too kindly. Nor would the Exalted One.”

“I’m sure he’ll keep it focused on us,” I admitted. “I mean, shit, there were people back in that convention who knew who we were. We’re big names in the world of the paranormal now.”

“Now?” Todd mused. “Jakey, I’ve been talking about you guys on Tuesdays with the Toddster ever since the beginning. My listeners adore you!”

“I just hope we haven’t made a mistake,” I sighed. “Slaying demons and conquering the Circles of Hell was one thing, but preventing the entire apocalypse? That’s another.”

“Do not fear, Jacob,” Raphael reassured me. “If Lucifer really is trying to bring about the End Times, you will have the Exalted One on your side. Even if it’s simply an uneasy truce. The Divine will not stand to have Revelations happen before it is the proper time.”

“Then why don’t they come down and stop all this?” I questioned. “It would save us a lot of time and energy if the Big Guy could just step in, wave his hand, and erase everything that was about to happen.”

“That could still be in the cards,” Raphael admitted, “but first, he must be made aware of Lucifer’s actions. Once this adventure is over and I have returned to Paradise, I will have a little chat with my brethren. They need to know what’s going on.”

“When the adventure is over?” Libidine pondered aloud. “What else do we have left to do?”

Raphael looked down at the pavement somewhat coyly.

“Well, I had assumed we were all going to celebrate our victory, right?” he chuckled. “We are in The Big Guava, after all. I hear their beaches are second to none, even the ones in Heaven.”

“Hold up,” Todd gasped, “am I hearing this right? Raphael, the goodie-two-shoes archangel, wants to party?”

“I’m not that much of a goodie-two-shoes!” the dark-haired archangel shot back. “In fact, I am quite the rebel in the Divine Circles.”

“I don’t think taking two free samples when the sign says one counts as ‘rebellious,’ bro,” Todd joked.

“Please,” Raph scoffed, “I’d never aspire to that level of pettiness. I used to occasionally chew gum in Divine Classes without getting caught, and I have been known to jaywalk across the streets of Paradise right in front of officers of the Heavenly Police Force. While making direct eye contact with them.”

“Ohhhhh,” Todd giggled and threw his hands up in the air, “careful, guys, we’ve got a badass here.”

“The girls at the Velvet Lips have really gotten me to lighten up, as well,” Raphael continued. “The sorts of things we do at that place … Thank goodness you’ve hexed it so the building is hidden from the Exalted One’s eyes!”

Todd suddenly stopped laughing, and his eyes went wide.

“Bro, I was joking when I said that,” the imp in disguise clarified, “like, it was just a sarcastic Todd-ism.”

The color drained from Raphael’s face.

“But you said, verbatim, ‘This is a strip club, Raphey. Everything that happens here stays between you, the babes, and absolutely nobody else. Not even the Exalted One.’ End quote.”

“Brrrroooooo!” Todd slapped his hand over his eyes and shook his head. “That was just an expression. Ya know, playful banter?”

“So, the Exalted One could see everything that went on in there?” Raphael now looked like he was going to faint.

“Well, yeah.” The imp in disguise shrugged. “It’s just a fancy gentlemen’s club, not a sacred site or anything like that. Though I think there might be just as many people getting on their knees and saying ‘Oh, God.’”

The dark-haired archangel stumbled backward, leaned himself against the side of Lola, and stared off into space.

“Fuck,” he muttered to himself.

“It’s alright, Raphael,” Deja reassured him, “I’m sure none of the other Archangels are as clean and pure as they’d like you to think.”

“Well, no … ” Raph shuddered. “But I don’t think you realize the sorts of things we would do when the eye of the Lord isn’t upon us … I did things that would make Tony Montana blush with shame.”

“What, did you tell all the girls there to say hello to your little friend?” Todd snickered, obviously amused by the whole situation.

“I wish that was all … ” Raphael trailed off as he stared into the distance.

“Okay, so it sounds like Raphael reallllly needs to blow off some steam right now,” I chuckled. “So, I think a big, blow out session is in order. Drinks … Grilling out … hell, maybe even a little yacht or some shit. We’ve definitely earned it.”

“Where shall we go, then?” Jane pondered as she laid a delicate hand against my chest. “The beaches are going to be jam-packed at this time of year.”

“That’s why we’re gonna find one that isn’t.” I smiled.

“Right now?” Oliver mused. “In one of the most popular places in Florida during peak season?”

“We’re not going to one of the public beaches, Oliver,” I shot back. “We’re gonna find our own.”

“Find our own?” Jane questioned. “I don’t think there’s a single stand of beachfront in this state that hasn’t already been discovered.”

“Then we go out of the state,” I continued. “There have to be dozens, if not hundreds, of undiscovered islands out there. Surely, we can find one that isn’t being occupied right now.”

“I volunteer!” Deja said excitedly. “I love the ocean. It reminds me of those California beaches I’ve always dreamed about, but never really got to see.”

“We’ll make that our next trip,” I promised the succubus. “Now, who wants to go with her? The Cult of Ralston always employs the buddy system.”

“I’ll go,” Raphael offered as he finally snapped to his senses. “That way, should we get lost, I can just use my Divine Magic to teleport myself back to the shore and get help.”

“And what about me?” Deja protested. “So I’d just be lost out at sea?”

“We’d come back for you,” Raph reassured. “Jacob would kill me if I let anything happen to one of his Demon Lords. Besides, can’t you slow down time? It’s not like you’d be lost for very long.”

“Very funny,” the tan succubus huffed and crossed her arms.

“Head to Fort De Soto,” I explained to the team. “It’s about as far south as you can go in this city, right next to the open ocean. Plus, it’s not as big of a touristy place as the rest of the beaches around here. As for the rest of us, we’ll go to the store, pick up some essentials, and then meet you there. Hopefully, by then, you’ll have found some sort of usable place for us to go.”

“Roger that, friendo.” Todd saluted, and then turned back to the car and waved. “Clockblocker and Raph, get in the sex machine!”

“I’ll go with them,” Cupi sighed, “I know better than to leave Todd alone on a beach with a bunch of scantily-clad women.”

“Probably a good call.” I shook my head and then started back for our Jeep. “Everyone else, come with me. We’ve got some ‘essentials’ we need to pick up.”

The team filed into the two vehicles, started them up, and then headed our separate ways. Not too much later, we came upon our destination, a little beach shop called “Tony’s Surf Outfitters.”

Eclipse, Jane, Libidine, Oliver, and I entered the vividly-colored store, where our nostrils were promptly assaulted by the smell of surfboard wax and sunscreen.

“What’s the plan, masteee--, I mean Jacob?” Oliver caught himself before he said the word I hated.

“I dunno, keeper of the coin,” I laughed, “just grab whatever you think we’ll need. Alcohol, games, boards, whatever floats your boat, I guess. I think we’re all gonna go look at swimsuits in the meantime.”

“I’ll find one for myself, as well,” the white-haired cultist noted, and then he turned around and hobbled off to look at all the goodies that awaited him.

“He’s going to find something terrible,” Jane whispered.

“Something very, very terrible.” I shook my head.

Then I put my arm around the three women and headed toward the swimsuit section of the store.

“I don’t know why we’re looking for suits,” Eclipse purred, “I’m intending on just lounging around naked.”

“Raph, Todd, and Oliver are all gonna be there,” I reminded the tattooed succubus, “so you should probably cover up with something, even if it’s barely a cover.”

“Fiiiiine.” Eclipse rolled her eyes.

She strutted over, found a black two-piece suit that was obviously too small for her, and then slung it back over her shoulder.

I wasn’t going to complain.

Jane and Libidine went off to find their own bathing suits, and the ones they came back with didn’t disappoint.

The brunette cultist had picked out a skimpy two-piece the same dark navy color as her robes. The top looked like it came up and wrapped around behind her neck, which was a perfect support for the massive breasts on her chest.

Libidine’s suit was somehow even more tiny. It was a shiny green fabric with a G-string bottom and a top barely large enough to cover her nipples.

“I picked out suits for the rest of my Sisters, as well,” Libidine giggled. “I hope they like them.”

“You’re good with fashion, Liby,” I promised her, “so they’ll love whatever you give them. Besides, most of them are gonna want to just be naked, anyway. I don’t think they’ll care that much.”

“What about you?” Jane purred. “Are there any speedos around here that’ll show off that warhammer in your pants?”

“As much as you’d enjoy that,” I chuckled, “I don’t wanna scar the other guys for life. Let’s stick with something a little more traditional, huh?”

Jane frowned, but Libidine was already springing into action.

The Sister of Lust ran over to the men’s section and then came back with two pairs of plain-colored trunks.

“There.” She smiled. “A black one and a white one, perfect for you and Raph. No patterns or pictures or gimmicks to show off your package, plain as can be.”

“Perfect,” I confirmed with a nod. “Now, let’s go see how Oliver’s doing.”

As we arrived at the cash registers, we saw Oliver standing there excitedly with a large cart full of items. Even from here, I could see the cultist had splurged on fruity, single-bottle drinks as well as a few beach tents, towels, and a set of horseshoes.

“Looks like you’re all set,” I whistled. “You find everything you needed?”

“I most certainly did.” Oliver grinned. “And best of all, I found this wonderful suit!”

The cultist reached down and then picked up what could only be described as a man’s one-piece bathing suit. It was dark blue, but it looked like it wrapped down around the crotch and then came back and hung around the shoulders.

I could already hear Todd’s Borat jokes now.

We checked out, bagged up our goodies, and then put them in the back of Shadow. Next, we sped off down the highway toward our meeting space, and I could barely contain my anticipation.

Finally, after another long, successful adventure, we were gonna get to celebrate the only way we knew how.

We hopped onto the interstate, headed down through St. Petersburg, and then finally out onto the highway surrounded by nothing but open ocean. After about a two-hour journey, we arrived at the gate of Fort De Soto. We paid our entrance fee, drove inside, and then followed the signs to the southernmost tip of the beach.

There, parked alone in the parking lot, was the eighties Volvo we all knew and loved.

Todd, Cupi, Raph, and Deja were all there on the beach, and they were  waved excitedly when they saw us approach.

We met up with the rest of our team and passed around the supplies, and the girls took some time changing in the back of Shadow. Within fifteen minutes, everyone was clad in their bathing suits, ready to hit the road.

However, something on Deja’s outfit particularly caught my attention.

Probably the fact that it was so fucking skimpy.

Her top was a black string bikini, with patches of fabric barely large enough to cover her large, erect nipples. Her lower half was just as revealing, a G-string whose small front rode up to reveal the lips of her pussy. Then there were her legs… Transparent fabric covered her feet up to her high ankle and then spread out into a series of strings that created intricate patterns all around her calves. From those hung tiny stings with sparkly black diamonds and charms.

But that wasn’t the only interesting accessory Deja was rocking.

On top of her head sat two large, black and pink ears.

“Where’d you get those bunny ears?” I chuckled and pointed at the accessory.

“These?” Deja smiled. “First off, dude, they’re totally bat ears. I’m a demon, not a rabbit! As far as where they came from, we saw a little beach shop on the way over here, so I begged Todd to stop so we could check out all the knick-knacks.”

“What can I say?” Todd snickered. “I’m a sucker for knick-knacks, bro.”

“I like them,” I admitted, “very Playboy-esque.”

“Bro, you’re not gonna believe the place they found!” Todd could barely contain his excitement as he jumped up and down like an overexcited cartoon character.

“There’s a small island about fifty miles southeast of here,” Raphael announced, “probably no larger than two by three miles and covered only by pristine white sand and a small forest of trees.”

“And surrounded by nothing but vast, blue ocean,” Deja sighed. “We didn’t even see any ships within six miles of the place!”

“Sounds perfect.” I grinned as I walked back to Shadow’s back gate and pulled it open. “But here comes the hard part. We kinda went overboard buying stuff, so everybody’s gonna need to carry something on the way.”

“Small price to pay for some ‘sun’s out, buns out’ fun!” Todd snickered as he tossed a tote bag full of beach towels over his shoulder and grabbed two lounge chairs.

“I believe you mean ‘sun’s out, guns out?’” Rapahel chuckled as he flexed.

“Nah, bro,” the imp repeated, “You ever been on a beach trip with us? There’s more uncovered buns than a fucking McDonalds the health department shut down.”

I started pulling out the different objects we’d gotten from the store, from the beach tents to the bags of towels and, most importantly, the bathing suits. Once everything was in a pile on the ground, I shut Shadow’s hatch, locked her doors, and then beeped it for good measure.

I took a few of the bags containing foldable chairs and the beach tents into my hands and then watched as the rest of the team picked up other various goodies.

The rest of the team picked up various items as we prepared for our journey. Then, the dark-haired Archangel sprouted his wings and walked to the edge of the surf.

“Follow me,” he announced, and then he zipped off into the distance at lightspeed.

Deja grabbed Oliver, Liby grabbed Jane, and then they followed the Archangel to the horizon. The rest of us were not far behind, and I couldn’t help but marvel at the beautiful, pristine blue ocean underneath us. We flew for another ten minutes until we saw the land behind us completely vanish from view.

The hot Florida sun beat down on us intensely as we traversed the sea. Briny sprays of water shot up into the air from below, and I watched as the wildlife swam underneath the surface of the water. Now that we were this far away from civilization, entire schools of fish moved around without care, and I even saw a few dorsal fins break the surface momentarily before they disappeared back into the abyss.

Then, I saw the island.

Raphael’s figure floated down to the shore, immediately followed by the rest of the team.

When I finally touched down, I turned around and gasped. There was nothing but the pure blue waves of the ocean on the horizon, and beneath my feet was sand that looked like it had never been touched by the wind, let alone any living creatures.

“Jacob,” Deja announced as she twirled in place, “welcome to paradise!”

Chapter 13

This really was the life.

As I sat on the pristine beach of the island and soaked in the rays of the sun, I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if I just decided to absolve my position in Hell, claim this island for myself, and spend the rest of my days sipping Coronas with my best friends and lovers.

Unfortunately, that was just a fantasy. I was the King of the Fourth Circle now, and I was locked in a battle with Lucifer himself. There were way too many people counting on me to just up and leave everything behind.

However, the thought was still pleasant.

“I think we should call this place ‘Ralston Island,’” Oliver mused from a few feet away.

“How original,” Todd scoffed. “Also, I gotta be honest … I don’t really trust the judgement of a guy who buys that sort of swimsuit. I’m seeing all sorts of folds and wrinkles that shouldn’t be humanly possible, bro.”

“I don’t understand what you dislike about it.” Oliver shrugged. “It’s comfortable, and it covers up enough to keep me from having a case of indecent exposure. I don’t hear you complaining about the women’s choice of attire.”

“Well, that goes without saying, Ollie,” Todd snorted, “you’re like, ten times their age. Actually, no you’re not. They’re really waaaaay older than you. But they don’t look it. And you? Wellllll … ”

“That seems like quite the double standard.” Oliver crossed his arms with a harrumph. “It’s okay for them to be next to naked because they’re beautiful, and it’s not okay for me to be because I’m not?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Todd snickered.

“But you’re naked!” the cultist protested as he motioned to Todd’s body.

The imp had returned to his regular form the second we arrived on the island, but he refused to put on any sort of garment.

“I know you’re jealous of my bod, bro,” the imp retorted, “but I can be naked because my massive schlongo is tucked away and hidden from view. Trust me, it’s better that way.”

“You tuck your genitals away?” Raphael gasped. “That sounds quite uncomfortable.”

“What? No!” Todd frowned. “I ain’t Buffalo Bill, Raphey.”

“What does a football team have to do with this?” the Archangel questioned. “Is it because they wear jock straps?”

Todd stared at Raph for a full ten seconds of awkward silence until, finally, he shook his head and sighed.

“Alright, alright,” he conceded, “I’ll try to be more tolerant of Ollie’s old, saggy, wrinkled body. But I’m not giving up the Borat jokes!”

“I can live with that,” Oliver admitted as he adjusted his body on his towel.

“Verrry nice,” Todd Borat-ed back with a thumbs up.

“Could you guys keep it down?” Deja warned as she peered over her sunglasses. “How am I supposed to feel at peace with nature if I have to keep listening to you guys talk about your schlongs?”

“What do you think we should call the island, Clockblocker?” Todd shot back.

Deja thought about it for a moment before she simply nodded and grinned from ear to ear.

“I think we should just call it ‘Our Little Chunk of Paradise,’” she finally explained.

“I still prefer Isla Nubar.” Todd shrugged. “But I’m totally down for that.”

“Our little chunk of paradise,” I chuckled as I walked over and sat down on the beach towel.

Soon, all nine of us were spread out on the beach of the private island.

Deja, Oliver, Raphael, Todd, and I were sitting thirty feet away from the surf on our beach towels, and we soaked in the rays of the sun while we chatted, drank, and watched the others enjoying themselves.

“No matter how much I hyped up those California beaches,” Deja sighed as she placed her hands behind her head, “there’s no way in Hell they beat this right here.”

“They really don’t.” I admitted as I leaned over to the succubus with bat ears on her head. “I’ve been there before, and they aren’t all that special. Just a bunch of surfer bros hitting the waves and Instagram ‘models’ posing for pictures. And the occasional family on vacation that’s slowly starting to realize they should have gone somewhere else.”

“That seems harsh,” Deja giggled. “Don’t talk too much shit about the valley. Those are my people, ya know.”

“You’re from the Eighth Circle of Hell!” I snorted. “If anything, your people are the ones with the giant gold top hats and clock parts all over their bodies.”

“Oh, yeah.” The succubus winked. “Clock parts all over my body would be awesome… I am the ‘Clockblocker’ after all.”

“Blocker?” I grinned. “You certainly weren’t blocking it in the coliseum earlier.”

I could feel my cock throbbing in my pants as I thought back to our passionate session of love-making in the shower, and my eyes wandered all over Deja’s oiled-up body.

“Easy there, Jacob.” The brunette blushed. “There’s an Archangel present.”

“Nothing he hasn’t seen before,” I whispered, “you know he fucks human women all the time, right? That’s kinda, like, what he’s known for up there.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing compared to the number of women you’ve conquered, King Ralston,” Deja purred, and then ran her hand along my arm.

“I don’t need to conquer a lot of women,” I teased, “just the right ones.”

“Ohhhhh?” the tan succubus cooed as her whole body shuddered. “Am I one of the right ones?”

“I chose you to be my Demon Lord, didn’t I?” I shrugged.

“I thought that was because I won Who Wants to be Jakey’s Succubus?” Deja joked.

“Well, that too.” I nodded. “Plus the fact you’re fucking beautiful. And sexy. And your powers are second to none.”

“You’re going to make me blush,” the bat-eared woman feigned embarrassment. “You want me to use them right now? I could totally bend your perception of time so it feels like we’re on this island for hours.”

“Sounds good to me,” I said as I leaned back in my chair, “I wanna stay here forever.”

Not too far away, Libidine and Cupi were locked in an intense game of horseshoes, while Jane and Eclipse both swam out in the ocean.

Even though I hated playing horseshoes, I was intensely watching the game at hand. Of course, my attention was on the sexy, oiled-up succubi more than anything.

Libidine’s curvy body was nearly bursting out of her green swimsuit, and she came about a split-second away from a wardrobe malfunction with each toss of the horseshoe. Her chest pushed together into a massive line of cleavage as she bent down and readied the contoured piece of metal, and then her entire, glistening bosom bounced as she launched it into the air.

The horseshoe landed on the ground just next to the metal post, and then Libidine jumped for joy. One of her nipples fell loose from the shiny green fabric as she bounced, and then her face quickly turned red as she covered herself.

Cupi was on the other side, wearing a tight white bikini that was practically translucent. Her perky breasts were held up by a tiny tube top, which itself was wrapped around the back of her neck. As Cupi bent down and lined up her shot, her tight ass screamed to be released from her Rio-style panties.

When the blonde succubus tossed the horseshoe into the air, it suddenly froze, hung in the air for a second, and then shot off at a right angle.

“Hey!” I heard Cupi growl as she stomped her foot. “I thought we agreed that telekinetic fire is cheating!”

“We never set any ground rules,” Libidine giggled, “so all the bets are off.”

“Oh, yeah?” Cupiditas shot back playfully. “Then I guess this is fair game, too?”

As Libidine tossed a horseshoe into the air, Cupi threw out a blast of blue Hellfire. The spell struck the bent iron as it traveled through the sky and then froze it in place.

“Okay, I deserved that,” Libidine said with a roll of her eyes. “I suppose that’s game?”

The two scantily clad succubi walked over to each other, and then they slapped each other’s asses like volleyball players after a victory. Then they linked arms and began to head back toward the rest of the team.

“Who won?” I asked with a wink when they were back.

“We’re calling it a draw,” Cupi admitted.

Libidine lowered herself down onto the multicolored beach towel a few feet in front of us, but Cupiditas decided there was a better spot on the beach.

The blonde beauty plopped down directly onto my lap.

Her tight, toned ass pressed up against my dick, and we were separated only by my shorts and a thin layer of fabric. Cupi leaned back into my chest, laid her head against my shoulder, and looked up at me with her dark purple eyes.

I stroked her hair as we sat and watched the waves for a seemingly endless amount of time.

Not long after, Jane and Eclipse returned from the water, and their bodies glistened from the combination of the sun, the briny water, and their suntan lotion. Their massive breasts jiggled and threatened to fall out of their tops as they walked, and I felt my cock slowly getting harder.

Jane was still rocking the navy suit she’d picked out at the store, but it looked ten times better on her than it ever could have possibly looked on the mannequin.

My eyes ran up her glistening legs, all the way to the mesh panties that barely covered up her womanhood. It was made out of a dark fabric, but decorative, floral patterns were cut throughout the front and exposed small patches of her skin. The top was more modest than the succubi’s, but that wasn’t saying much.

Each of Jane’s incredible breasts were pressed against her body by two long, thin strips of navy fabric only an inch or two wide, and her tits looked like they were bursting out from each side.

The whole thing looked way more like lingerie than a swimsuit, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Then, there was Eclipse.

With all the tattoos on her body, there was no way the dark-haired beauty was going to wear anything modest. Eclipse’s suit was made out of dark purple-and-red sequins that glistened almost as much as her skin as she strutted toward us. Her bikini top was held up by a series of strings that crisscrossed across her exposed neckline and were reminiscent of one of Ira’s BDSM contraptions. The bikini bottom was nothing more than a piece of measuring tape thick fabric that covered her pussy lips, and not a single millimeter more.

“You can’t beat this view, can you?” Raphael sighed overdramatically as he stared out into the ocean.

“Definitely not,” I retorted, and my eyes remained locked on Jane and Eclipse. “It’s fucking incredible.”

The beach and the ocean were nice, too, I guess.

“The water is really nice,” Jane noted as she plopped down on the sand in front of us, “you should have come out and joined us.”

“Look, Ms. Goodall,” Todd said and raised a finger at the cultist, “I’ve been gobblin’ down Coronas like an Amsterdam whore gobbles cock. I totally don’t want ‘drowned while drunk swimming’ on my tombstone.”

“We might go out later,” Libidine admitted, “but first, I wanted to show my Sister here what a real beatdown looks like.”

“We tied, remember?” Cupi stuck out her tongue at Liby.

“Honestly, I don’t want to move from this spot,” Raphael sighed. “Ever. I’m dreading going back to Heaven at this point.”

“Why’s that?” Deja asked. “I thought you angels loved that place?”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Raph clarified, “I still do. But I’m going to have to tell them about Lucifer’s plan when I return, and once I do that--”

“They’ll know you’ve been talking to me,” I finished the sentence for the Archangel. “And you’re strictly forbidden from doing that.”

“Precisely,” the dark-haired man sighed.

“Buck up, Raph,” Todd spoke up. “Maybe if you go to them with this big of a fucking scoop, they’ll look the other way about all that ‘breaking interdimensional law’ stuff.”

“You really think so?” The Archangel seemed to perk up.

“Uh, I wouldn’t--” I began, but Todd was already in too deep.

“Surrreee,” he promised with a wave of his hand. “If my intricate understanding of history and politics tells me anything, it’s that the good guys always come out on top!”

He must have been reading different textbooks than I had in college.

“Oh, Todd,” Raphael chuckled, “you have no idea how much better that makes me feel. As soon as we’re done here, I will go straight to the Exalted One and tell him everything that happened. Then, once he’s been enlightened to Lucifer’s diabolical plan, he’ll welcome you back to his side with open arms. Perhaps he’ll even promote me to Archangel General!”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” I warned. “The Divine aren’t exactly--”

“It’ll be like this paradise every single day,” Raph continued to daydream. “I’ll be hailed as the hero of this interdimensional war … All my sins will be forgiven … They could even create a day of celebration in my honor!”

“I think he’s taking this a bit too far,” Cupi whispered with a giggle.

“He’s a big Archangel,” I answered, “let him have his optimism while it lasts. Lord knows we don’t have enough of that these days.”

“It’s hard to be optimistic when you think the world is coming to an end,” Cupi agreed, “or at least, to think we might be the only things standing between the world as we know it and the end times.”

“All I know is I can’t let the world end,” I joked. “If that were to happen, I’d lose everything. Hell would be completely obliterated, and all of its power structure would come toppling down like a house of cards. Most importantly, however, is the fact that I’d lose you guys. I’m not sure there’s room for succubi in Heaven.”

“Well, then, we can’t let it happen.” The blonde woman winked. “But for now, we should revel in our victory. It’s not every day we get to set up an elaborate plan that will bring down the Prince of Darkness himself. Hell, it’s not every day you see the head of the most feared Demon King in the universe on a pike, yet here we are. We still haven’t celebrated that one, you know.”

“What are you talking about?” I chuckled. “We coronated Lilith almost the minute it was over, and we haven’t stopped celebrating since.”

I felt Cupiditas’ slender hand touch my left leg, and then it began to slowly move upward.

“But we haven’t celebrated,” the blonde woman purred, “not one-on-one, at least.”

I suddenly knew what I had to do.

“Welp,” I announced as I stood up and did a fake stretch, “as much as I love this beach, I’m really curious about the mini forest back there. I think Cupi and I are going to go check it out.”

“Sooooo, you two are gonna boink in the forest?” Todd saw straight through the lie.

“What? No!” I shot back as I picked up one of the beach tents in a bag. “We’re just going exploring. We’ll be back in a few.”

“Jakey,” Todd chuckled, “I’ve been around you and your chickas since elementary school. If it takes you just ‘a few,’ you should probably ask your doctor if Cialis is right for you.”

“We’re just gonna check out the forest,” I reiterated, “and maybe, if it seems nice enough, we’ll hang out for a while. But we will be back at some point.”

“Alright, alright,” the imp finally conceded, “go find some good sticks for me, alright? I totally wanna build a real campfire when it gets dark.”

“We’ll stay right here,” Libidine promised.

“I wasn’t worried about that,” I joked as I motioned around to the rest of the open island. “You don’t have many places to go.”

Cupiditas tossed a couple of beach towels over her shoulder and sauntered up beside me. Then we linked arms and headed toward the tiny forested part of the island.

“You know damn well we’re not going exploring,” the blonde succubus purred.

“Not true,” I shot back, “we’re definitely going to be exploring each other’s bodies. Or did I completely mis-read the situation back there?”

“Only time will tell.” Cupi shrugged. “Let’s get to the beach on the other side of these trees, and then we’ll find out.”

It only took ten minutes or so before Cupi and I hit the edge of the forest. Actually, to call it a “forest” was a bit of a stretch. There were vibrant green palm trees that stretched up from the ground and towered over us immensely, and then clustered with about three or four feet of space in between them. The ground of the forest was littered with all sorts of foliage, and a mixture of fallen leaves, sticks, bushes, and flowering plants weaved between the trees like a patchwork quilt.

“Huh,” I mused as we walked across the sandy floor, “and here I thought nothing could live on desert islands.”

“Humans can’t live here,” Cupi corrected, “and because of that, the plants and animals who are native flourish.”

“Look at you, a little botanist,” I chuckled and wrapped my arm around Cupi’s shoulders.

The succubus smelled of sweet vanilla when I pulled her close, and my brain unleashed a kick of dopamine that hit me like a freight train. Honestly, if I wasn’t worried about the thorny branches, I’d have laid her down and taken her right here.

However, we pushed forward.

Finally, after about another twenty minutes of walking, we came out onto a beach equally as pristine as the one we’d started out on.

The only difference was that here, we were all alone.

“Shall I help you pitch the tent?” Cupi giggled, and I felt my cock throb in my pants.

“I think you already are.” I winked. “But yeah, we should probably get this thing up before we try anything else.”

I tossed the beach tent down onto the ground, and then the two of us got to work putting it together. My eyes wandered across Cupi’s thonged, fit ass as she took the tiny poles in her hand and then proceeded to connect them. Finally, she slid them through the inserts on the fabric, and then we proceeded to raise the structure to its full height.

I lifted the stakes into the air using my green Hellfire, and then slowly began to push them into the sand. As I moved the poles slowly and deeply into the Earth, I shot Cupi a playful glance and waggled my eyebrows.

The succubus rolled her eyes, walked inside of the tent, and then laid the towels down on top of the sand.

“There,” she announced as her face popped up on the other side of the mesh window, “now we’re all set for … extracurricular activities.”

“Thank goodness,” I chuckled as I stood up and walked around to the opening of the tent. “I really didn’t want to use my purple Hellfire the whole time. Even though I can totally do it, that takes a fuckton of concentration.”

“That’s why the beach towels are here,” the blonde succubus purred and then sat down cross-legged. “I want all of your attention … elsewhere.”

“Wherever you want it to be,” I promised as I looked at her small, perky breasts, “it’s already there.”

Cupi had opted for a pure white bikini that already made it look like she wasn’t wearing anything at all. Her nipples were rock-hard through the fabric, and I could see each of the dark, tender buttons perfectly.

I got down on my knees, climbed over to the succubus, and then kissed her passionately as we both laid down on the ground. Cupi let out a moan of excitement as my right hand wandered down into her bottoms, past her toned tummy and her smooth pelvis until my index and middle finger slid into her pussy.

“Oh, fuck,” she gasped.

The blonde woman must have been anticipating this, because she was already as wet as if she’d just been swimming in the ocean.

I continued to kiss Cupi while I simultaneously fingered her and rubbed at her clitoris with my thumb, and she started to go wild.

The succubus’ athletic body tensed, arched, and contorted in ways I never thought it could as she took in the pleasurable sensations and explored my mouth. Her tunnel of love quivered around my fingers, and then I felt her hand slip down my pants to return the favor.

Cupiditas’ slender hands grasped my dick and then began to yank it like she was trying to start a lawnmower.

I felt myself get rock hard at her touch, and my balls started to tighten as they began to build up for the grand finale.

Of course, that wasn’t going to happen any time soon.

We masturbated each other for nearly five minutes straight, and we explored each other’s mouths and filled the beach tent with loud moans of satisfaction.

Eventually, Cupi pulled back from my face, stared at me hungrily with her violet eyes, and then began to softly bite my chest while she jerked my cock. She only got a few nibbles in, though, before I decided I’d had enough foreplay.

I slid my fingers out of her tender slit, grabbed the waistband of her bottoms, and pulled them off.

The trunks of her swimsuit looked like they had just been through a monsoon, which only made me all the hornier. I tossed the bottoms to the side, grabbed the sides of my own trunks, and pulled them down to free the monster in my pants.

Cupi didn’t stop tugging on me while my pants came off, but now that it was out and free, she bit her lip intensely as she marveled at my massive erection.

“It’s been too long,” she cooed. “How the fuck does it look bigger every single time we make love?”

“It’s the same size as always.” I winked. “And I’m sure it’s just as great as you remember.”

“Only one way to find out.” The succubus shrugged and gave me a tug that was more forceful than usual.

Then Cupi spread her legs, put the head of my cock against the lips of her pussy, and began to move it up and down vertically.

Both of us let out a moan of pure ecstasy at the action.

She was so fucking wet I was kinda worried I’d keep slipping out. It was like a burst dam down there, and I was only knocking on the door.

After she was satisfied with her action, the succubus guided me back to the entrance of her warm tunnel and then slid my rock-hard cock inside of her.

The walls of her pussy were freakishly tight, and I nearly blew my load as she tensed around me. I watched excitedly as Cupi’s eyes rolled back in her head, and my dick slowly pushed its way up into her body. Finally, I felt my head hit her cervix, and I tensed up at the thought of being bottomed out inside of her.

“Oh, fuck,” she moaned and gripped a handful of towel. “Just … Just keep it in me for a second. You are so big.”

I leaned down so our chests were pressing together, and then I felt her toned legs wrap around my waist. Her movement somehow made me go even deeper inside of her pussy, and she let out a whimper as she took me in.

Cupi and I made out on the towel-covered sand for a few minutes as our pelvises ground against each other slowly. Our hands were moving all along each other’s bodies as we kissed, but I knew we couldn’t stay like this forever.

No matter how much I wanted to.

I pulled my erection a few inches out of the succubus, and then thrust back into her like a jackhammer.

Cupi gasped when I hit her hard, but then she bit her lip and moaned as if she were begging for more.

I was always one for giving my women what they wanted.

So, I wrapped my arms around the back of Cupi’s shoulders, pulled her close, and started to pound her intensely.

“Fucking shit!” she gasped as she clung to my body with a death grip. “That’s fucking amazzzzing!”

As we fucked, I reached up and untied the succubus’ bikini top. Her small, pert breasts bounced free of their fabric prison and then jiggled in unison as I fucked her as hard as I possibly could.

My balls tightened as they slapped against Cupi’s tight ass, and I could tell I was about to hit the mountain top.

Thankfully, so was she.

Cupi’s moans suddenly turned to soft, muted whimpers as her body became more rigid.

“J-Jacob!” she moaned. “I think I’m gonna--Oh, fuckkkkkkk!”

The blonde woman arched her back, and I took the opportunity to suck on her left nipple as she spasmed around my cock and then came with the intensity of Old Faithful. As she came, Cupi tightened her grip around my waist, pulled me deep into her, and sent me over the edge.

“Yesssss.” I exploded inside of the succubus when I touched her cervix, and she quivered as my seed filled her up.

Finally, we both slowed down, collapsed onto each other, and then kissed tenderly.

“Holy shit,” I whistled as I rolled over onto the towel beside her. “I’ve always heard that sex on the beach was amazing, but that was something else.”

“Was?” Cupi panted as she got up to her knees. “As in past tense?”

I should have known better. Cupi was far from done with me.

She was the Sister of Greed, after all.

“What, do you think you can handle a second round?” I winked.

“We both know damn well that I can,” Cupi purred, and then she bent over and started to kiss my abs.

My cock slowly began to harden once more as she pecked her way down my body, and by the time she finally got to it, my erection had almost fully returned.

Then Cupi placed one hand on my balls, squeezed them gently, and let her tongue flop out of her mouth.

I watched with glee as the blonde woman’s tongue darted around my dick and licked it clean. She made sure to stare up at me with her dark, purple eyes the entire time she lapped up my cum, and then she gave me a seductive wink. She moved down to my balls, jerked my cock as she sucked on them one-by-one, and then came back to the tip of my penis.

Cupi wrapped her lips around my erection and then proceeded to simultaneously jerk me off while she blew me.

I could already feel the warm coil tensing up in my abdomen.

Cupiditas was known for her legendary tongue in both spellcasting and fellatio, and she’d yet to let me down in either.

Finally, after an intense session of oral, she let my dick flop out of her mouth and down to the side.

“Do you want to try something new?” Cupi purred as she stood up and turned around on all fours. “I’ve been practicing this position for a while now … I figured it’d be perfect for us.”

“Cupi,” I laughed as I sat up, got to my knees, and settled in behind her, “I’ll never say no to that.”

“Then stand up,” she ordered seductively.

I raised my eyebrow for a moment, but then I simply shrugged and went along with her suggestion. As I straightened out and got to my feet, the succubus arched her back and put her super-tight ass on full display.

Then came the main event.

In one motion, Cupi heaved her bottom half up, wrapped her legs around my waist, and held herself up with nothing but her arms. The next thing I knew, her tight pussy lips pushed against my erection, and I guided myself into her.

At this angle, I could see everything. Cupi’s ass was right up against my waist, and I had a perfect sightline down her toned back to her bright blonde hair. On the flip side, I could see her perky breasts as they hung down, and the succubus was staring upside down at me in between them.

I pushed myself deeper into the blonde woman, and we both groaned as I bottomed out. Then I couldn’t believe what happened next.

Somehow, some way … my dick slid into her even further.

“Fucccccck,” Cupi moaned as her ass quivered in front of me, “I knew all those handstands were worth it.”

“You can say that again,” I growled as I wrapped my hands around her tiny waist.

I fucked Cupiditas with the force of a hurricane. Yet, somehow, even in this position, she matched my intensity tit-for-tat.

The succubus gyrated her hips in unison with mine, which led to a sensation that nearly caused my legs to buckle beneath me.

“You think that’s good?” she moaned playfully. “Watch this.”

Suddenly, Cupi pulled her arms out from underneath herself, straightened her back, and held out her arms like she was Rose from Titanic. Somehow, through a mixture of my hands underneath her waist and her pure core strength, she remained in this position.

“You’d--You’d better hurry up,” she teased, “my record for planking is only two minutes.”

That was more than enough time.

I pounded her in the air slowly but passionately, until finally I felt her warm tunnel begin to tighten around my erection.

“That’s it!” she gasped. “Just keep doing that, and I might … Oh, shit!”

Cupi’s entire body was now quivering like jelly, and then her pussy clamped onto me like a vise as she orgasmed.

I tossed down a barrier of purple right beneath her body as she let go of her hold and collapsed down onto it, and then I continued to fuck her from this position.

Her tight ass jiggled with each thrust and then, finally, I felt my balls fire off my seed with the power of a drag racing car.

Cupi moaned weakly as my orgasm filled her a second time, and then she slumped down onto the wall of purple flames as I pulled out. The succubus’ legs were wobbly beneath her as she got off the platform, and then she instantly fell down onto the towels below.

I laid down beside her, wrapped my arm around her slender body, and pulled her in close.

“I’d say those exercises were well worth it,” I laughed and then kissed Cupi tenderly on the forehead.

As I laid there with the succubus on my arm, I looked out the door of the tent and took in the gorgeous view.

The deep blue ocean stretched out across the horizon, but its waves seemed to be much higher than on the other side of the island. Either way, it was somewhat relaxing to hear them smash against the shore, slide up the beach, and then slowly retreat. The sound of the powerful waves, mixed with the exhaustion I was feeling from the day I’d had so far, made my eyes feel heavy.

I glanced over at Cupi and saw she was already passed out, so I closed my eyes and joined her. Before I knew it, I was out like a light.

But not for very long.

Suddenly, I felt a tiny hand pushing against my shoulder.

“Come on, bro!” Todd’s voice cut through the haze of my slumber. “Wake up! I can only keep feeling blind for so long before I touch something neither of us want me to touch.”

I groggily blinked open my eyes and sat up to see Todd was standing beside me.

His right hand covered his eyes as he blindly shook me by the shoulder, and the imp’s face was contorted into a grimace, but he persevered anyway.

Cupi, meanwhile, was already out of the tent. She was back in her bathing suit as she stood at the edge of the shore and stared at the horizon. The rest of the team was all beside her, and they each were also staring off into the distance.

And I could see why.

The sky was now a dark, foggy purple color, and the waves were rising up out of the ocean to nearly the same height as the pine trees behind us.

I quickly snatched up my trunks, pulled them back on over my waist, and patted the imp on the head.

“You can look now, bro,” I promised, “everything’s covered up.”

“Oh, thank god,” Todd sighed as he pulled away his hand. “I was really worried I was gonna grab at the wrong area and get a handful of Jakey junior. I think that’d be the final nail in the coffin for my heteromorphism.”

“I think you mean ‘heterosexuality?’” I retorted as I exited the tent and stared off into the purple sky.

“I know what I said,” Todd scoffed. “I’d be so embarrassed I’d turn into a fucking human permanently and give up my imp bod forever. So, I wouldn’t be heteromorphic any more. That means having many different forms, just in case you didn’t pay attention in biology class, bro.”

“I remember what it means.” I rolled my eyes as I walked across the beach and joined my friends. “What the Hell is everybody staring at? How’d it get dark so quickly?”

“That’s what we’re trying to figure out,” Raphael admitted. “Just a few minutes ago, the other side of the island was as still and calm as a baby on Xanax.”

“Raphey,” Todd sniffled, “I’m so proud of you for that one.”

“It looks like a storm’s coming in,” I noted. “We should probably pack up and head back to the other beach as soon as we possibly can.”

“It’s not just any storm,” Raphael added. “My Jitterbug Smartphone sent me a push notification that there was a category five hurricane on its way toward our area.”

“How the fuck does your cell phone get service all the way out here?” I pondered aloud.

“Because the Jitterbug, paired with the sophisticated modern network of Boost Mobile, can get service even in the Bermuda Triangle,” Raphael explained proudly. “The young man at the store told me so. Who’s got the ‘old man phone’ now, Todd?”

“You,” the imp giggled. “It’s still you, bro.”

“It’s nowhere near hurricane season,” Deja spoke up, “so how on Earth are we getting one now, and without any sort of forewarning?”

“If I’m being honest, Clockblocker,” Todd began, “this has apocalyptic tomfuckery written all over it.”

The imp was right. Category five hurricanes didn’t just pop up out of nowhere.

This did have Lucifer’s fingerprints all over it.

“Jacob!” Libidine gasped as she pointed out to sea. “There’s something coming out of the water!”

Far off in the distance, I could see the ocean begin to swirl, twist, and churn like a sloshing bathtub, and then a large blue funnel rose up like a tower into the air. It looked like it stretched for miles, ready to swallow up anything that got in its path.

“Since when do hurricanes produce giant waterspouts?” Cupi said as her eyes narrowed.

“They generally don’t,” Eclipse added, “or at least, not ones that large.”

“I’m afraid that’s not all,” Oliver noted as he pointed a few feet off the shore. “We do not appear to be alone on this island.”

All throughout the water, large, bald heads with ashy white skin began to break through the surface. They were followed almost immediately by massive, muscular bodies that were missing their right hands, but in the appendage’s place sat a large, pure black, three-pronged trident.

“Fucking Tartaruchi,” I growled.

If there was any doubt in my mind before, it was gone now.

This wasn’t a hurricane.

It was my father.

Chapter 14

“Shit, bro,” Todd whistled as he ran over and did a kung-fu stance beside me. “They totally Pirates of the Carribean-ed us!”

As I watched the deadly Tartaruchi demons emerge from the depths of the ocean, I realized this was probably Lucifer’s plan all along. Make us think we were safe and comfortable so we’d let our guards down, and then strike while we were unprepared.

Unfortunately for these assholes, I was always prepared.

I summoned black Hellfire into my hands, slammed it against my bare chest, and then watched as it spread across my body like wildfire. As it spread, it began to solidify into darkened black metal, and when all was said and done, I was fully covered with my trusty Caliginian armor.

“Ya know, Jakey,” Todd giggled as he summoned red Hellfire into his hand, “no matter how many times you do that shit, it’s still badass.”

It got better than that.

All around me, my friends jumped into action.

I watched as Eclipse’s tattoos began to stretch across her body and then turn into rough, thick hide armor resembling a samurai’s. Her deadly naginata appeared with a flash of black flames, and then she held it out as she prepared for battle.

Cupi pulled her collapsible polearm out of thin air, popped it open, and then twirled it around acrobatically. Meanwhile, Deja was cracking her chain and spear like a whip, and Libidine wore what appeared to be yellow-spiked gauntlets on her hands.

Oliver and Jane didn’t have any weapons, per say, but they didn’t need any. Both of the cultists were experts in every type of Hellfire under the sun, and they fully intended to pull out all the stops to take down these bastards.

Last but not least was Raphael. The Archangel stepped forward, tossed out his arms, and was instantly engulfed in Divine Light. When the blinding flash subsided, Raph was fully adorned in his white SWAT outfit, complete with his FAMAS in hand.

“Of course, it’s the Tartaruchi,” he grumbled as he checked the magazine of his machine gun. “They seem to be the go-to for Lucifer these days.”

“Well, he kinda ran outta Daeva,” Todd reminded the Archangel, “and we fucked up all the Targlins, soooooo … these sorry, demonic excuses for Mr. Clean are all that’s left.”

“Then we’ll fuck them up, too,” I growled as I watched the demons saunter onto the shore.

The creatures let out a roaring battle cry before they held their tridents toward us and charged.

“Remember,” I warned, “these guys can take way more of a beating than normal grunts, so don’t get too cocky.”

“Aye, aye, Han.” Todd saluted. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to go crop dust some fools.”

The imp surrounded himself with black Hellfire, took to the sky, and called silver flames into his hand. Then Todd zipped around the small army of Tartaruchi as he tossed out a mist of his silver spell, and it wafted down onto their position.

The reefer-laced magic filled our opponents' nostrils, and they instantly began to stumble around aimlessly.

“Quick!” I ordered. “Before it wears off!”

My friends and I charged the Tartaruchi, and we were on them in seconds.

I pulled the Sword of Saints out from its sheath, and then stabbed it into the nearest Tartaruchi’s chest. I must have missed its heart, though, because the fucker stayed upright as I yanked the weapon from the gaping wound in his chest. Dark red blood sprayed out of his torso like a waterfall and stained the white sand at our feet, but the bastard remained upright.

Then he took a swing at me with his trident.

I knocked it away with a blast of purple flames, spun around behind him, and then stabbed the Sword of Saints into the back of his neck. There was a wet schlock, and he went down to the ground.

Just for good measure, I stomped my black metal boot into the back of his head and squashed it like a gory watermelon. His body twitched as his brains sloshed out into the sand and were then washed away by the briny water.

I almost felt bad for ruining the beauty of the beach.

Almost.

I didn’t have time to dwell on it too much, though, because two more of the Tartaruchi were on me in a flash.

The first one stabbed at my chest with his trident, but I quickly tossed up a portal of green flames in front of his blow. I forced his weapon to reappear in front of the second Tartaruchi’s face, and then the second bastard let out a yelp of pain as he ran face-first into the three-pronged spear. Before the first Tartaruchi could pull back his arm, I grabbed it and cut it off at the elbow.

The Tartaruchi shrieked in agony as blood rocketed out from his stump of an arm. He futilely tried to stop the bleeding as he stumbled backward, but he wasn’t going to have to worry about that for much longer.

I stabbed his severed arm into his stomach, yanked it upward, and disemboweled the fucker.

His lungs fell through the gaping hole in his chest, and then he collapsed to the ground as he gasped for breath.

Then I surrounded the severed arm with green Hellfire, spun around, and then commanded it to fly into the neck of the nearest Tartaruchi.

His eyes went wide as the trident punctured his windpipe, and then he fell to the ground as he writhed in pain.

Another ashy-skinned fucker charged me as I turned around, and I just got my sword up in time to block his trident. My blade got caught between two of the prongs, and the Tartaruchi used the opportunity to flip my weapon out of my hand.

It stuck into the sand blade-first as the fucker hauled back and went in for the killing blow.

Not today, bitch.

Before he could strike, I summoned silver flames into my hand, surrounded the metal ball on my belt, and commanded it to turn into a tripwire. The thin string of metal wrapped around the Tartaruchi’s ankles, tightened, and caused him to fall forward.

Then I summoned red Hellfire into both my hands, reached up, and caught his head in my hands.

The air was filled with the sound of searing flesh and howls of pain as the fucker’s face literally melted away in my hands. His bald head became covered with gnarly blisters as it turned black, and his skin fluttered away as ashes. He tried to lash out at me with his trident, but it simply bounced off my armor as the life drained from the fucker’s body. Once his head was nothing more than a charred skull, I released my spell and watched him collapse to the ground, dead.

“I thought these guys were a lot tougher the last time we fought them?” Cupi mocked as she flipped over to me and jabbed her polearm into the stomach of an incoming Tartaruchi.

As she did so, the spearhead spread out into three separate blades and separated the fucker’s top half from his bottom. Cupi then retracted her polearm, twisted around, and blocked another enemy’s trident with her weapon’s hilt.

She smiled coyly as she twisted the polearm in her hand and took the Tartaruchi’s arm with it.

The fucker roared in agony as the bone in his arm stabbed out through his elbow, but his howls were quickly silenced by a flash of blue Hellfire.

Then Cupi twirled around, tossed up her heel, and shattered the Tartaruchi’s head into a million icy pieces.

“Maybe we’re just getting better at it,” I chuckled, “just like the sex.”

“Please,” Cupi scoffed, “I was already an expert at that long before I met you.”

Another Tartaruchi dashed by, but he was far too preoccupied to notice us. Todd was sitting on his shoulders like a kid getting a piggy-back ride, doing the same “yeaaaah!” that Atreyu did in Neverending Story. However, unlike the character in the movie, Todd was ripping open the creature’s skull with his razor-sharp claws and reveling in the geysers of blood that erupted into the sky.

“He’s enjoying that way too much.” I shuddered as I walked over and pulled the Sword of Saints out of the sand.

“I hate to be a bother, Jacob,” Oliver’s voice called out from across the beach, “but Jane and I could use some assistance over here!”

Cupi and I looked over to see the two cultists completely surrounded by Tartaruchi, and they were blasting the demons with every color of Hellfire they could muster. They were dropping the bastards left and right, but there were simply too many enemies for them to handle all on their own.

There was a dull throbbing in my back as I summoned forth my wings, took to the sky, and zipped over to the swarm of Tartaruchi. Next, I called bronze Hellfire into one hand and purple into the other. As I came down, I threw out a platform of purple flames underneath Jane and Oliver. Then I hauled back my glowing bronze fist, slammed it into the ground, and caused the beach around me to tremble like it was being hit by a miniature earthquake.

The sand beneath my feet sputtered and shifted, and then I watched as the incoming Tartaruchi were sucked down into the makeshift sinkhole. I cut off the spell once they were buried up to their heads, and then I released the purple platforms under Oliver and Jane.

“There,” I announced as I walked over to one of the snarling heads in the sand, “now it’s open fucking season.”

I readied my sword like a golf club, pulled back, and then sliced the Tartaruchi’s skull clean in two.

His blood soiled the white sand as his tongue flopped out of his mouth, and his brain spilled out of his noggin. I took down two more bastards on the way out, and then I heard the sound of Jane and Oliver’s spells behind me as they unleashed hell onto their trapped enemies.

Raphael also appeared to be surrounded by Tartaruchi, but the Archangel was faring much better than the cultists had been. Raph just unloaded a hailstorm of bullets from his FAMAS, and the ashy-skinned fuckers dropped like flies.

One of the creatures got a bit too close to Raph, though, and the Archangel made him pay.

Raphael hit the bastard with the butt of his machine gun, whipped out his massive revolver, and then blew a baseball-sized hole in his head with a flash of white light.

Without missing a beat, the Archangel turned, put a bullet through the leg of another Tartaruchi, and then snapped his neck effortlessly as it fell.

Yeah, Raphael was doing fine.

So, I turned my attention to the rest of my team.

Deja, Libidine, and Eclipse were huddled up in a circle as they staved off incoming attackers, and they seemed to have a system in place.

Libidine would toss out a handful of yellow spears as the other two succubi darted in between the crowd and lashed out with their weapons as they did so.

Then, once their cover was gone, Libidine would follow up with a shot of her black “poison bomb” spell while her Sisters retreated. Deja and Eclipse held their breath as they returned to their original positions, and they made sure they took out as many of the Tartaruchi as they could while they ran.

Even though my friends seemed to be holding our own against these ashy-skinned fuckers, they just kept coming out of the ocean. At least a dozen more of the bastards popped up onto the beach, and I could see the air bubbles of the dozens of more that were about to pop up behind them.

I needed to take these fuckers out, and I needed to do it quickly before they overwhelmed us all.

But how the fuck was I going to do that?

I could try to open up the sea floor with my bronze Hellfire, but that ran the risk of taking the entire island down with us.

Maybe I could send them all to the Shadow World and let the Caliginis take care of them? No, that wouldn’t work, though, because I still didn’t know how many of these things were left.

Perhaps I could try to drain the ocean with my green flames? Drop the Tartaruchi to their deaths from above? No. Even that wouldn’t work, mainly because I didn’t have that kind of power in my body.

Suddenly, three of the Tartaruchi charged me at once, and I dealt with them accordingly.

The first felt my blade directly in his sternum. There was a wet crack as his eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed to the ground, and I quickly dispelled the next two enemy’s attacks with a few flashes of purple fire. Then I ducked down, sliced off another ones’ foot, and commanded the metal ball on my belt to turn into a deadly spike.

The Tartaruchi’s eyes went wide as he was impaled under his own weight, and then I turned my attention to the third attacker.

I rolled out of the way just as his trident stabbed into the sand where I had stood and then jumped to my feet. Then I separated his arm from his body with a bloody slash, twirled around, and rammed my white blade between his shoulder blades.

As he fell to the ground, I heard the roars of the other Tartaruchi that were now on land, and my heart fell into my stomach.

There were at least three dozen more of the ashy-skinned fuckers, and they were still rising out of the water quicker than we could kill them.

Then it hit me.

The water.

If there were too many to kill one-by-one, maybe I could kill them all at once. And if I wanted to do that, the water was the only way.

“Guys!” called back to my friends. “Clear the beach! I’m going to make sure we don’t get any more unwanted guests.”

“I’ll do what I can, bro!” Todd called back as he dive-bombed a bunch of Tartaruchi with his black flashbangs. “But I gotta admit, I’m starting to feel like Boromir versus the Uruk-hai. I’m just waitin’ for some big-ass, dreadlocked motherfucker to start pumping us full of arrows.”

“Today is not that day!” I reassured the imp.

I flew up into the sky, darted out over the open ocean, and then surveyed the battlefield. From this vantage point, I could see hundreds of Tartaruchi descending on the island from the crystal-clear waves below.

Jesus … I really hoped this was going to work.

I closed my eyes and thought about how much I needed to protect my friends. I thought about what would happen if this idea didn’t work. The Tartaruchi would descend on our position and then completely overwhelm us. They would tear us limb-from-limb and then march into the nearest city, killing every human in their paths. If that wasn’t enough, the giant, ominous water spout would probably finish off whoever survived the initial assault.

Lucifer would be victorious. The apocalypse would begin, and eventually everything I had worked so hard for would be gone.

That wasn’t going to fucking happen.

I opened my eyes to see my entire body was glowing brilliantly with purple flames. Then I intertwined those flames with red Hellfire to create a spell that would both protect and assault at the same time.

Now, I just had to put my plan into motion.

I created a large barrier of purple along the entire coast of the island and stretched it nearly a mile in both directions of the ocean. Then I created two barriers perpendicular to the original wall, extended them back for three miles, and finished up the giant cube with a final wall at the rear.

Then came the pièce de résistance.

I commanded the entire subaquatic cube to glow bright with red Hellfire, and slowly but surely, I saw the ocean water within the cube begin to bubble and steam. The next thing I knew, the hundreds of Tartaruchi who were in its watery depths broke through the surface and began to yowl with pain.

I had just turned this entire section of the ocean into a massive boiling pot, and the Tartaruchi were being burned alive.

The sound of escaping steam mixed with the screaming demons as they struggled at the surface of the boiling water. The ones standing closest to the sides attempted to pound on the walls to break free, but instead their flesh was singed by the deadly incendiary flames. Finally, after about two or three minutes of struggling, their voices went silent, and their bodies floated to the top of the water like dead fish.

Satisfied with my work, I decasted my spell, turned back to the beach, and checked on my friends.

Even from up here, I could see the beautiful white beaches had nearly turned to crimson from the blood of the slain Tartaruchi. There must have been nearly a hundred bodies strewn across the sand, and they all gushed their dark gore onto the ground like a Jackson Pollock painting.

There were only a handful of the fuckers left, though, and I didn’t want to miss out on any of the fun.

I shot down toward the remaining crowd of Tartaruchi, held out my sword, and decapitated two of the demons as I zipped by. My blade skewered another one as I flew, and I hoisted him up into the air as he squirmed and struggled to break free.

“Batter up!” I called out to Eclipse as I halted my momentum.

The Tartaruchi flew off my sword, and then the top half of his skull was sliced clean off by Eclipse’s naginata. His body rolled across the sand until it came to an abrupt halt against a large palm tree.

“How many more are left?” I asked the tattooed succubus.

“None.” She pointed over to Raphael as he slit the throat of a Tartaruchi with his Bowie knife. “That was the last one.”

Raphael let out a deep sigh as he stumbled forward and sheathed his weapon. The Archangel’s white SWAT uniform was completely soaked in demon blood, and there were splatters of the crimson liquid across his face.

“Well, that was an experience,” the Archangel chuckled, and then wiped some of the blood off his face. “I’ve never seen so many Tartaruchi here on Earth. The last time I fought any in this large of a group was the Battle of Babylon, back in one-thousand two-hundred and three B.C.”

“I’m just glad Jacob had a plan,” Cupi noted as she and Liby strutted up to the group. “Things could have gotten very messy, very quickly if not for his quick thinking.”

“I just did what anyone would have done.” I shrugged.

“I hate to be a buzzkill,” Deja interjected, “but is anyone else worried about that water spout? It’s just been, like, hovering there, not moving at all. Aren’t hurricanes supposed to come with high winds and rain and all that?”

“I think it’s pretty obvious that’s not a hurricane, Clockblocker,” Todd snickered. “When’s the last time you saw a hurricane that brought a bunch of pasty demons outta the ocean?”

“We need to figure out what the fuck that thing is, then,” I decided, “and we need to figure out a way to destroy it before it decides to move inland.”

“Could we blast it with Divine Light?” Raphael suggested. “Perhaps the combined powers of Jacob and I could obliterate it out of existence?”

“What the fuck are you, Exodia?” Todd snarked. “I dunno if you can ‘obliterate’ water like that, Raphey.”

“What if we tried to evaporate it?” I questioned. “It’s just water, and we all have red Hellfire, right?”

“It’s worth a shot,” Cupi noted, “especially if--Oh, shit.”

Suddenly, the gargantuan water spout began to move north.

“It’s headed north!” I called out. “If we don’t stop it, that thing will hit land in St. Petersburg or Tampa and kill a fuck ton of people. No time for a plan B, let’s fry this thing! Raph and Libidine, you grab Oliver and Jane. The rest of you, follow me!”

I took to the sky, and my friends were right by my side. Then we shot out over the corpse-filled ocean and chased down the water spout until we were right upon it.

Now that we were closer to the deadly tornado of water, the harsh winds threatened to knock us all off course, and I could taste the salty flecks of water that splashed onto my face.

“We need to surround it!” Deja called out over the roar of the swirling water.

We got into position so the nine of us were around the water spout and followed its trajectory under the power of our wings. Then all of my demonic friends with empty hands called forth red Hellfire and awaited my signal.

“Start at the bottom!” I commanded. “Ready? Now!”

All of us unleashed our white-hot flames down at the base of the water spout, and the air was instantly filled with the intense steam of the evaporated liquid. The heat from the gaseous liquid was fierce, and I felt sweat pouring down my entire body as we all endured the makeshift sauna.

Then the sound of swirling water stopped.

“Did we get it?” Raphael shouted through the haze of humidity.

That’s when I heard it. Clapping.

“Bravo, King Ralston,” a familiar voice mocked, and my heart fell into my stomach.

As the steam began to clear, I could just barely make out a tall, muscular figure with pointed black hair floating in midair. Once it cleared a bit more, I saw the figure’s scaly lower body, large, dragon-like black wings, and pointed ears.

Abaddon, the King of the Seventh Circle.

But that wasn’t all. Now that the literal smoke had cleared, I saw the source of the water spout.

Abaddon sat atop a massive, bipedal creature with slimy yellow skin and tentacles that emerged from every point of its body. It had a head that looked like an exposed brain with eyes, but not human eyes, or even a squid’s. No, this thing had eight beady eyes just like a spider, and each one had a yellow iris and a large, slitted pupil. The creature’s mouth was stretched out into a razor-sharp beak, complete with gnashing teeth that looked like they belonged to a shark. Two giant dorsal fins jutted out of its back, and it almost looked like the monster had wings.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Abaddon?” I demanded.

The King of the Seventh Circle just shrugged.

“Once I heard what your father was planning, I couldn’t resist helping him out,” Abaddon mused. “Oh, and let me introduce you to my friend here. This is Ecturra. Say hello, Ecturra!”

The creature’s eight eyes all darted over in my direction, and then the beast let out a screech the likes of which shook me to my very core.

I had no idea what this thing was, and I didn’t really care.

No matter what it was, I was going to have to kill it.

Chapter 15

“Don’t give me that look, King Ralston.” Abaddon frowned from atop the Lovecraftian horror Ecturra. “You need to understand, this is nothing personal. In all honesty, I was kinda rooting for you to win this one … ”

“Then turn back now,” I warned. “I don’t know what it is my father’s up to, but you don’t want any part of it.”

“Oh, quite the contrary,” the King of the Seventh Circle chuckled. “Lucifer’s plan is incredible, Jacob. It’s a shame it doesn’t involve you. Well, other than the whole ‘killing you and putting your head in a jar next to all of his other failed Nephilims’ part.”

“What is the end goal here, Abaddon?” Raphael demanded.

“Raphael, is that you?” the Demon King gasped in an overly dramatic fashion. “I haven’t seen you in centuries!”

“And I wished it would have stayed that way,” the Archangel grumbled. “State your business, demon.”

“My business?” Abaddon laughed. “You know what my business has always been and always will be, Raphael. Pure, unadulterated chaos.”

“So, what?” I spat, “You’re summoning a creature of the depths and sicing it on people just for shits and giggles?”

“There’s more to it than that,” the Demon King admitted, “but telling you about it would spoil the surprise. And I’m not about to do that. Oh, no … not with what Lucifer has in store for all of you.”

“Enough!” Raphael growled as he pulled his FAMAS from around his back. “You’re going to return to the depths from whence you came, and you’re going to do it right now.”

Abaddon’s mischievous face contorted into a scowl, and he turned to face the Archangel.

“I’d forgotten how much of a fucking tool you are,” he growled. “But, if you insist, I suppose I should listen. I wouldn’t want to piss off the Archangel who healed Abraham’s circumcision and stirs up the water of fucking Bethesda.”

“Joke’s on you, demon,” Raph chuckled and raised the sight of his gun to his eye, “I’m very, very proud of both of those things. I believe you are also forgetting the part where I beat the snot out of Azazel and chained him to a mountain for eternity. Now, I’m not going to ask again.”

“Alright, you win,” Abaddon said through a devilish grin, “I’ll go back to Hell. But Ecturra here is gonna stay. She’s kinda got an apocalypse to start and all that. Give my love to the people of Tampa, will ya?”

Before any of us could make another move, Abaddon lifted up his fingers, summoned green Hellfire into his hand, and snapped. The second he did so, he vanished into thin air.

Now, it was just us and Ecturra.

Without her rider, the humanoid squid-brain-shark’s eyes shot back and forth in all directions.

“Easy there, girl,” Todd whispered as he slowly floated closer to the beast.

“What are you doing?” Libidine hissed, but Todd waved away her concern.

“Don’t worry, Lib,” he retorted, “the Toddster’s got a gentle touch when it comes to the ladies of any species. You just gotta make her feel special, and then that’s when you rein her in as your own.”

“No wonder he hasn’t had a serious girlfriend in years,” I whispered to myself as I watched the imp inch closer and closer to Ecturra.

Finally, Todd’s small, clawed hand landed softly on the monster’s forehead, just between its eyes.

“That’s right,” he whispered, “Uncle Toddster’s here for ya now. There’s no need to--”

Suddenly, the creature let out a wail, opened its mouth, and snatched up Todd in its jaws.

“Todd!” Cupi cried out, and then she summoned blue flames into her hand.

The succubus shot the freezing spell directly into one of Ecturra’s eyeballs, and the Lovecraftian terror shrieked. As it opened its mouth to yelp, Todd’s tiny figure went flying out of its gullet.

The imp caught himself with his black Hellfire, but his eyes were as wide as saucers, and his body was covered in slimy, white saliva.

“Bro, are you alright?” I questioned.

Todd looked at me through a thousand-yard stare.

“I just about died, Jakey … ” He shuddered. “I-I totally coulda bit the big one there.”

“But you didn’t,” I reminded him, “the Toddster lives to fight another day.”

“We can talk about your existential crisis later,” Eclipse spoke up, “right now we have a monster to kill.”

Ecturra’s cry of pain was reverberating across the ocean and creating giant, thunderous waves.

My friends began to unleash their spells onto the yellow-skinned creature, but all that seemed to do was piss it off even more.

Ecturra roared as it flapped its fins in opposite directions and created a massive gust of wind.

All of us were knocked back like ragdolls by the sudden blast of air, and that distraction gave the creature all the time it needed.

It lowered itself back down into the depths of the ocean as we tried to reorient ourselves and fire on it from above. However, within seconds, it was little more than a massive shadow underneath the water.

A massive shadow that took off toward the bay with the speed of a fucking rocket.

“Fucking Hell,” I growled as I watched the shadow swimming out of sight. “After it!”

My friends took off to follow the beast, but I wanted to try a different approach. I closed my eyes, summoned purple Hellfire into my hands, and then thought about all the people I needed to protect. If I couldn’t stop this creature, it was going to hit Tampa. Not to mention, it would bring about the apocalypse.

And that, as Todd or Chort would put it, was no bueno.

My body glowed with the purple Hellfire when I opened my eyes, and then I tracked the shadow underneath the surface. Finally, I threw out a massive wall of purple Hellfire directly in front of its trajectory.

I found out very quickly this was a mistake.

Ecturra slammed into my barrier, and I felt the impact all the way back where I was hovering hundreds of yards away. My body was jerked forward through the air as I tried to retain control, but it was useless.

The monster slammed into the barrier once more, and this time I let out a yell of frustration and agony as it felt like every tendon in my arms were being stretched off my body.

Ecturra attacked my shield a third time, and the pain became unbearable.

I let out another growl of pain as darkness began to tunnel around my vision, and then I felt myself growing faint. This thing was way too strong to contain. If I didn’t release my spell right now, I was going to pass out. And if I passed out over the ocean wearing heavy Caliginian armor, I was going to drown.

So, I decasted my spell as I tried to regain control of my focus, and then I saw the shadow continue on its course with my friends hot on its tail. After a moment, I shook off my exhaustion, righted myself in the sky, and followed them.

I caught up to the group in no time, and they were already formulating plans to stop this creature when I joined them.

“ … And then we freeze the whole fucking ocean!” Todd suggested.

“That’s not going to work,” Cupi sighed as she blasted a shot of ice-cold Hellfire down at her target. “It’s too big, and it’s natural waves will keep it from ever truly freezing over.”

“Let me try something,” Eclipse suggested.

The tattooed succubus halted in midair, summoned black Hellfire into her hands, and then launched a floating ball of black hole plasma down at Ecturra.

The spell struck the water, turned into an interdimensional vortex, and began to suck the ocean into its nebula.

However, Ecturra kept swimming as if nothing had happened.

“Let me try,” Raphael offered. “Hold him for a moment.”

Raphael tossed Oliver into the air, where he was promptly caught by Eclipse. The Archangel then reached behind his body, and there was a flash of bright white light. When Raph pulled his hands back to his front, he was holding a fucking rocket launcher.

“Broooo,” Todd groaned, “you’ve been holding out on us with the rocket launcher this whole time?”

“It’s only supposed to be used in cases of emergency,” Raph explained as he lifted the scope up to his eye and shouldered the weapon. “I think both you, I, and the Exalted One would all consider this an ‘emergency.’”

Raphael led his target, squeezed the trigger, and then his body was pushed backward as a massive rocket shot out of the long metal tube.

The projectile disappeared underneath the water, and all was silent for a moment. Then there was a blinding white light accompanied by an explosion, and a geyser of water spouted out of the sea.

Still, Ecturra kept going.

“How is that possible?” Raphael moped. “That--that was supposed to have the firepower of a small nuclear bomb.”

“Maybe Squidward there is a fucking roach, too,” Todd suggested. “Those things can survive a nuclear apocalypse, ya know.”

“Let’s try something else,” Cupi growled. “Deja? Do you think you can hook him?”

“I’ll try,” the tan succubus offered as she spun her chain and spear around like a grappling hook.

Deja surrounded her weapon with black Hellfire, took aim, and launched it at Ecturra. The tan woman’s eyes narrowed as she tried to focus on her target, and then she smiled intensely.

“I’ve got her!” she exclaimed. “Right in the dorsal fin!”

“Great.” I nodded. “Now, see if you can do some damage to the rest of her body.”

Deja squinted as she mentally ordered her weapon to attack the beast, but her look of determination quickly drooped into a frown.

“It’s not able to pierce her flesh,” she gasped.

“I thought you just said you had her fin?” I questioned.

“Dorsal fins are made of cartilage, bro,” Todd said with a facepalm. “Seriously, it’s like you never even paid attention to Mrs. Carson’s biology class.”

“You only paid attention because you thought she was hot!” I shot back at the imp.

“Well, yeah,” Todd confirmed, “how could you not pay attention to anything those sweater puppies were sayin’? You know the song Hot for a Teacher? Totally about her, bro.”

Deja’s spear shot out of the water and then returned to her hand.

“It’s no use,” she sighed, “we need, like, another course of action here.”

“The city’s on the horizon!” Oliver warned.

“What if you tried to God Bomb it?” Libidine suggested.

“That’s too risky.” I shook my head. “If I were to miss, or if Ecturra were somehow able to shrug it off, I’d have drained all my energy for nothing. And if that happens, I’m pretty fucking useless for the immediate future.”

“Can we at least try to get it off course?” Jane suggested. “Todd’s flashbangs might be able to do the trick.”

The imp summoned black Hellfire into his hands, zipped forward, and then made it rain dark magic on the beast beneath the waves. His tiny balls of dark magic exploded into blinding flashes when they hit the water, and miraculously, the creature halted in its tracks.

“Keep it up, bro!” I commanded the imp. “You’ve got it on the ropes.”

Now, we just needed to figure out what to do with Ecturra before it was mobile again.

“Evaporate the water around the creature!” I called out and summoned red Hellfire to my hands. “If we can at least see this thing, maybe we stand a chance with taking it out.”

Soon, the sky glowed red as beams of red fire blasted down into the water below. Steam rose up from the super-heated water, and then the air was filled with a pissed-off roar as Ecturra rose into view.

“Take it out!” Jane commanded.

We started to throw everything we had at the monster, from fireballs, shuriken, freezing spells, and even some of Raph’s Divine bullets.

Ecturra yelped in pain as the attacks singed its flesh and riddled its body with holes, but overall, our blows seemed to be more like a mild annoyance. Then the yellow-skinned monster leapt up into the sky, beat its fins furiously, and slammed into the water to its side. As it did so, a wave that must have been the size of a thirty-story building rose up from the ocean.

Oh, fuck.

We all tried to run, but there was no escaping this attack. The briny ocean water swallowed us up in its embrace, and we were all tossed down into the sea as if we’d been attacked by Poseidon himself.

The world went dark for a moment as I was dragged underneath the surface of the water, but then I came up gasping for air. I spat out the salty kiss of the sea as I looked around for my friends.

“H-Help!” I heard Oliver cry, and I saw his hand out of the corner of my eye as it frantically waved above the water. “I-I don’t know how to--”

The last words the cultist tried to say came out as a watery gurgle, and I feared he was gonna drown if I didn’t act quickly.

I created a makeshift pair of goggles with my purple Hellfire, dove underneath the surface, and swam toward the struggling cultist as quickly as I could. Oliver’s panicked movements made it really fucking hard to grab him, but I eventually was able to wrap my arms around his waist. Then I turned us toward the surface of the water, kicked my feet with fury, and took us upward.

Both of us let out a relieved breath when we broke through the surface, but we didn’t have much time to relax. Another massive wave rose up from the depths, and I just had enough time to get up a barrier of purple fire before it crashed down on top of us.

“Hold on to this platform,” I ordered the white-haired cultist. “Don’t worry, I’ll come back for you.”

Oliver’s eyes were almost as wide as baseballs as he nodded and then clung to the glowing violet platform for dear life.

I dove back under the water and looked around for the rest of my friends, but all I could see was the thrashing blue ocean around me. Finally, I spotted a tiny red body floating among the waves, and I swam over, snatched up the unconscious Todd, and then pulled him to the surface.

I laid him out on another purple platform and gasped in horror.

He wasn’t breathing.

“Shitshitshit,” I grumbled to myself as I began to do chest compressions on the imp.

Nothing.

Fuck. Maybe he needed some air in his lungs?

I pinched the imp’s nose, leaned his head back, and then bent down to give him the breath of life.

“Nhmo,” Todd sputtered weakly.

“Todd?” I called to the imp as I paused.

Suddenly, the imp’s eyes shot open and widened in horror. Then he turned his head and coughed up nearly a gallon of water before he shuddered.

“N-No homo!” he gasped. “You totally almost just kissed me, bro!”

“I was trying to save you,” I reminded him as I stood up and surveyed the ocean for the rest of the team.

“A bro kiss is still a bro kiss, Jakey,” Todd argued. “That’s almost as bad as having bull balls in my mouth. Almost.”

Off in the distance, I saw Cupiditas rise from the water with Liby and Jane in her arms.

Deja and Eclipse were clinging to each other as they treaded water, and then Raphael broke the surface right next to them.

“Everybody alright?” I called out to my friends.

“Just drenched and humiliated,” Deja joked. “Otherwise, totally great.”

One-by-one, the succubi, Todd, and Raphael took to the skies on their now-soaked wings. Deja carried Jane, while Eclipse took it upon herself to pick up the PTSD-laden Oliver.

I followed them up into the air, turned around, and tried to find Ecturra.

It didn’t take me long.

Thanks to this little distraction, the creature had gotten a huge head-start. The skyscrapers of Tampa were now a small speck in the distance, and Ecturra was heading straight for them.

At this rate, she was gonna beat us there.

“Fuck!” I vented. “There’s no way we can catch her before she hits the shore!”

“But we could cut her off,” Raphael suggested. “If my calculations are correct, if we fly off to the west and then approach the city from an angle, we might be able to beat her there by a few minutes.”

“You sure about that?” I questioned.

“Absolutely.” Raph nodded. “I pride myself on being a mathematician.”

“You’re a Dark Magician?” Todd quirked his head. “Deus ex machina … loyal second fiddle to the main characters  … totally explains a lot, bro.”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Cupi agreed, “but I suggest some of us approach from the rear. That way, we can surround the bastard and deliver maximum damage.”

“I second that, bodacious blonde,” Todd snickered, “the last time I surprised a chick by approaching from the rear, there was totally some damage done.”

“I’ll stay behind,” Cupi said as she ignored Todd’s joke.

“As will I,” Libidine offered.

“The rest of you should go with Jacob and Raph,” Cupi added. “Your skills will be needed on land if we want to keep anyone from being killed.”

“You don’t gotta worry about it, Cupi.” Todd waved his hand. “I’ve watched enough Power Rangers to know the city just turns into a big, empty desert when the giant monster shows up. Nobody’s ever in any real danger … ”

“As much as I appreciate your expertise, bro,” I sighed, “I think I’m going with Cupi on this one.”

“Time is of the essence,” Raphael warned, and then he took off to the left.

All of us who were going back to shore followed Raphael as he bolted off to the west. We followed him for a few minutes out, and I started to become increasingly nervous as we got further out from our target. Then, the Archangel stopped in midair, turned back toward the North, and nodded.

“Try to keep up,” he boasted before he took off like a bat out of Hell.

Raph was flying at a faster speed than I’d ever seen him move before, and I had to use every muscle in my wings to keep up with him.

We rocketed toward the shore for another few minutes until finally, we saw the skyline of Tampa rise out of the ocean. Finally, we fluttered over the bay, found a pier, and landed atop it.

My heart was hammering in my chest as I doubled over and tried to catch my breath. I had no idea how fast we’d just gone, but it had to be some sort of record.

“Ecturra will be here at any moment,” I warned everyone. “We need to start getting people out of the city.”

“How do you know she’s coming here?” Oliver questioned. “We’re not even on the coast.”

“No, but this is the most populated area around here,” I reminded the cultist. “You heard Abaddon, Lucifer wants to make a statement to start the apocalypse. He’s not going to attack a tiny fishing village or a tourist beach or something like that. Ecturra is coming here.”

“I can make the announcement to evacuate,” Raphael offered. “My Divine voice can carry for up to three miles.”

“Divine voice?” Todd questioned. “Bro, are you tellin’ me you’ve had thaumaturgy this whole time and didn’t tell us?”

“Every Archangel has this power.” Raph shrugged. “I assumed it was common knowledge.”

“We can work with that,” I agreed. “Oliver, you go with him to help with crowd control. The rest of us will stay here and hold back this fucker for as long as we can.”

“We’ll come back once everyone is out of harm’s way,” Raphael said with a salute. “Godspeed, Jacob.”

I returned the salute, and Eclipse handed Oliver over to Raph, and the two men took off toward the center of the city.

“How long till fuckface pops outta the ocean like Godzilla?” Todd questioned.

“Not long enough,” I retorted, “but I’ve already got a plan. Eclipse, I want you to put out Ecturra’s lights. Deja, do you think your chain is long enough to wrap around its leg?”

“I think so,” the tan succubus admitted.

“Good. Todd and Jane? You guys can act as the distraction.”

“I dunno, bro,” Todd scoffed with a hint of sarcasm, “I’m not really good at being annoying.”

“Bro--” I began, but the imp held up his hand.

“You don’t gotta say it,” he snickered, “I know I’m the Jar Jar of this team.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” I shot back with a coy smile, “you’re more like our Ruby Rhod.”

“People of Tampa!” Raphael’s voice nearly shook the Earth as it bellowed from behind us. “This is the Divine Archangel, Raphael. Please follow my associate and I here to the north side of the city. There is no time to explain, you must act quickly!”

“Dude’s flying through the city claiming to be an Archangel,” Todd mused. “I’m sure nobody’s gonna question that. Then again, this is Florida … They’ll probably just think he’s on bath salts or some shit.”

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news,” Jane announced and pointed off in the distance, “but I think our ocean monster is almost here.”

Right on cue, a large bubble of surface tension appeared in the distance. It grew larger and larger as it approached the shore until finally, the brain-shaped head of the monster broke through the surface and rose up out of the ocean. From down on the shore, even from this distance, Ecturra’s body looked ten times larger than it had before.

The yellow-skinned creature was just a bit taller than the skyscrapers that made up the Tampa skyline, and my mouth fell open as I marveled at the beast in awe.

Now that the beast was out of the water, Ecturra propelled itself forward under the power of its massive, tower-sized legs. With each step the monster took, the ground beneath us shook as giant waves were pushed up to the shore.

This was going to be no small task. Pun intended.

“Ready?” I commanded my team.

“Let’s get dangerous!” Todd snickered.

The imp surrounded himself with black Hellfire, took to the sky, and then began to wave his arms back and forth foolishly as he tried to get the monster’s attention. When that didn’t work, Todd began to toss fireballs at the beast. The small projectiles turned into small bursts of flame when they struck Ecturra’s skin, but they didn’t seem to do any damage.

However, they did get her attention.

Ecturra’s eight eyes shot over to Todd, and then the monster let out a roar of frustration. Her massive footsteps began to head in our direction, and I knew now was the time to strike.

“Let’s do this.” I nodded to the two succubi beside me, and then we flew up into the sky.

Eclipse summoned black Hellfire into her hands, darted over right in front of Ecturra’s face, and then blasted her blinding spell directly into the creature’s eyes.

Ecturra yelped, and then it lashed out at Eclipse with its slimy, oversized tentacles.

The tattooed succubus dodged the swipes with grace as she continued to hold her spell, and it soon became apparent it was working.

The Lovecraftian monstrosity continued to swing at Eclipse, but its blows were now missing by an almost literal mile.

It couldn’t see a damn thing.

That was our cue.

I summoned silver Hellfire into my hands as I flew out to the right of the creature, and Deja darted over to the left. Then I commanded the metal ball on my belt to liquify, turn into a large flat strip, and wrap around Ecturra’s leg.

Deja’s chain wrapped around the opposite appendage, and then we both flew out perpendicular to the monster and gave our ropes a tug.

When the metal strip finally went taut, I felt a wet pop in both my shoulders. Pain shot through both my sides as my arms threatened to fall out of their sockets, but I held my snare steady.

The dual, opposite yanks knocked Ecturra off-balance, and the beast flailed wildly as it stumbled and then began to fall face first.

Swiftly, I let go of my snare, summoned red and purple Hellfire into my hands, and then created the biggest wall I could possibly muster.

Ecturra slammed into the barrier, and then there was the sound of hissing as its flesh was burned, and the creature slid down the wall and back into the depths of the ocean.

All went silent.

“Did we get her?” I questioned aloud.

“I dunno,” Deja admitted, “but that looked fucking gnarly.”

Suddenly, Ecturra burst out from underneath the waves with the speed of an attacking orca. Before I knew it, her beak-like snout was upon me, and I was just able to shove my friends out of the way before it snapped down on top of me.

Luckily, I was already one step ahead.

Ecturra’s deadly teeth caught nothing but my purple flames as they attempted to gobble me up. They bounced off harmlessly, and then I struck back.

I summoned yellow and red Hellfire into my hand and launched a fistful of incendiary shuriken down the bastard’s gullet. Once they were nice and deep in its throat, I forced them to explode, and Ecturra’s cry of pain was so forceful that it physically knocked me several feet back in the air.

Now that I was free of the creature’s jaws, I could assess the situation better.

Ecturra’s entire front was covered with burns, but she didn’t seem to be hurting whatsoever. However, one thing stuck out to me more than anything else.

Its eyes. All eight of them were now focused on me, and they were full of pure hatred.

Well, shit. Maybe this wasn’t going to be as easy as I had originally thought.

Chapter 16

“I think we may have just pissed her off even more,” Deja gasped as Ecturra’s eyes shot daggers in our direction.

“Pissed off?” Todd questioned. “She looks madder than that time my Dad caught me putting his ‘special spices’ on my pizza. How the fuck was I supposed to know Adderall wasn’t a seasoning?”

The Lovecraftian horror before us moved its dorsal fins so they were parallel to the ground and then spun around rapidly. As it turned, the water beneath its feet rose up and surrounded its body in a massive, deadly water spout.

Before we could react, the liquid tornado shot toward us, and we were sucked into its grasp.

I struggled for breath as my body was whipped around inside of the vortex, and every now and then I could see Ecturra’s sinister, slitted pupils flash by. Then my momentum was suddenly halted with a wet schlock as I hit one of Ecturra’s slimy tentacles.

One of the creature’s suction cups slurped against the back of my head and sent me into a full body cringe. Then the yellow tentacle wrapped around my body and began to squeeze.

This thing was trying to crush me like I was a fucking grape.

I quickly surrounded myself with purple Hellfire, though I wasn’t even sure that would hold up against the sheer strength of the beast. There was a dull, throbbing pain throughout my body as I pushed back against the organic trash compactor, and I could feel myself getting worn out.

My magic might have been powerful, but I was literally fighting back against a creature ten times my size.

Thank the Exalted One I knew how to combine my different colored Hellfires.

I summoned red flames to my body, intertwined it with the purple ones, and then increased the power of the spell as Ecturra’s tentacle caught fire.

The creature released me from its grasp as it let out a shriek of pain.

In one quick motion, I pulled out the Sword of Saints, enchanted it with a bit of Divine Light, and took aim at the damaged tentacle. Then I swiped at the appendage, and my blade lodged itself firmly into Ecturra’s skin. As I pulled my weapon away and watched the orange blood spray from the newly-created wound, a relieved grin spread across my face.

So, this bastard could bleed after all.

And, as Todd liked to quote … If it bleeds, you can kill it.

I shot forward in the sky with the Sword of Saints outstretched like a spear in front of me. However, I wasn’t quick enough to get to the fucker’s heart before another tentacle got to me.

A wave of pain shot through my body as I was tossed to the side by the tentacle and then back out through the other side of the water spout. I caught myself on my large, bat-like wings, but I needed a minute to reorient myself.

As a living, breathing water spout, Ecturra was now making a beeline straight toward Tampa. I could see from up here that several people were now out in the streets, and they were running away from the commotion as quickly as their feet could take them.

Oliver appeared to be directing people away from the approaching creature of the depths, while Raphael continued to dart around in the sky as he delivered his words of warning.

“Shhhhhiiiiiiiiit!” Todd screamed as his tiny body burst through the wall of the water spout.

I caught him with a shot of telekinetic flames and then righted him next to me.

Not two seconds later, Deja shot through the watery vortex and joined us.

“Ecturra’s trying to counteract my spell,” Eclipse explained as she floated over to our position, and her hands were still glowing bright with dark Hellfire. “It thinks that if it can’t see me, I can’t see it.”

“Not gonna lie,” Todd admitted, “that’s kinda adorable. Like playing peek-a-boo with a world-ending monster that totally wants to eat us all as a midnight snack.”

“It’s heading right for the shore,” I observed, “and Raphael and Oliver don’t have everybody to safety yet. Hell, it will probably take an hour or three to evacuate a city that size.”

“Then we’ll have to step in,” Deja spoke up, “because if we don’t, hundreds of thousands of people are going to die.”

Suddenly, I saw two figures approaching rapidly in the distance, both under the power of their own wing movements.

Liby and Cupi. They finally made it.

Now, I just needed to make sure Ecturra’s attention was on me.

I summoned red Hellfire into my hands, blasted the water spout, and then watched as a large chunk of the barrier evaporated into steam. Ecturra’s fugly face was exposed for a brief moment, and I took the opportunity to launch a blast of yellow shuriken at the fucker.

The tiny, spinning blades simply hit the monster’s skin and bounced off harmlessly, but its attention was now on me, and not on the incoming succubi.

I flew blindly backward and made sure to keep my eyes on the fucker at all times. Finally, I swooped back far enough so that Jane could hear me from her place on the skyscraper.

“When you see Cupi, light the bastard up,” I explained. “Join in with blue Hellfire.”

“Got it,” Jane agreed, and then I heard the sound of Hellfire crackling into her hand.

The water-encased Ecturra moved forward, now only a few strides away from land, and behind me, I could hear the screams of the terrified people of Tampa as they fled from the incoming monstrosity.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news,” Raphael sighed as he fluttered over beside me, “but I wasn’t able to get everybody out. Several of them refused to believe me, particularly the fact that I’m an Archangel.”

“How the fuck could they not believe you?” I grumbled. “There’s a giant fucking Cthulhu heading right for them!”

“They said, and I quote, ‘they’ll start paying attention when it’s a category five,’” the Archangel mumbled. “And others simply refused to take off their headphones so they could hear me.”

“Well, that’s gonna make things more complicated.” I shrugged. “I guess our objectives are changing from kill to ‘kill and protect the civilians.’”

“Bro, I suck at those kinda missions,” Todd protested as he floated back to us. “I’m lucky if I get away with fifty-percent.”

“Try to bat one-hundred on this one,” I shot back.

The swirling water spout finally reached the shore and sent briny ocean water into the air in a massive wave as it landed.

Thankfully, Cupi was on it.

A giant blast of blue Hellfire rocketed toward the creature from behind, struck the back of the water spout, and then began to freeze it in place. Jane joined in with her own freezing spell, and soon both of the icy attacks wrapped around the spout to form a frigid belt. The rotation of the spout caused the ice to splinter and crack, though, and within seconds, it broke open.

As the crystalized water rained down onto the shore, Jane and Cupi continued their freezing spell in near-perfect harmony. They froze the bottom half of the spout first, and then once that had shattered, they moved on to the top. Finally, there was nothing left covering Ecturra’s body.

More importantly, that left the beast wide open.

“Hold your spell, Eclipse!” I called out to the tattooed succubus as I took to the sky. “Let’s hit this bitch with everything we got!”

Eclipse’s spell still held firm, and all eight of Ecturra’s eyes were still aglow with black Hellfire. The monster was as blind as a bat, and we needed to take advantage of this opportunity.

I hauled back, summoned red and silver Hellfire into my hands, and then turned the metal ball at my belt into a floating puddle of molten-hot metal. Next, I took aim at Ecturra, launched the attack, and then watched as it slammed into her face with a satisfying sizzle.

Ecturra bellowed as she stepped up onto the shore, and the bulk of her weight pushed her leg down into the ground, all the way up to her knee. She stumbled forward, stomped her second foot into the ground, and then thundered forward like a blind bull in a china shop.

And she was heading straight for downtown Tampa.

“I’ve got her!” Deja called out as she swooped over to my position.

The tan succubus tossed out her spear and chain, wrapped it around one of Ecturra’s tentacles, and yanked.

The motion pulled the Lovecraftian horror off balance, and then the beast spun around and let out a groan as she fell onto the ground with an Earth-shaking thud.

“The dorsal fins!” Raphael pointed, but it was too late.

Ecturra beat her fins up and down like a bird trying to take flight, and shockwaves rippled across the ground. Then chunks of dirt, concrete, and asphalt were tossed up into the sky as the waves demolished the surrounding area.

But that wasn’t the worst of it.

“Uh, Jakey?” Todd tapped me on the shoulder. “You probably wanna take a look at this, bro.”

The imp pointed toward a few nearby buildings. Glass shattered from the windows as the shockwaves hit, and I could see visible cracks beginning to form all along their height.

“Please tell me you evacuated those?” I asked Raphael.

Much to my horror, the Archangel shook his head.

“They were the ones who wouldn’t listen,” he explained.

“Fucking Hell … ” I growled. “Todd, you’re fast, right?”

“You kiddin’?” the imp scoffed. “The ladies in college always called me ‘The Flash’ because I was done so quickly.”

“Uh, great.” I gagged. “I want you to start at the top of that building and get every fucking person you can outta there.”

“Can do, Jakey!” the imp answered, and then he flew off toward the cracking skyscraper.

“Jane, hold on tight!” I ordered, and then I swooped down to the roof of the building and picked up the brunette cultist in my arms. “You guys keep trying to hold this thing off, okay?”

“I’ll do what I can,” Raphael agreed as he pulled out a few grenades, “but make it quick.”

Jane and I flew over to the building and, from the sky, I saw a familiar tuft of white hair down below.

Oliver was already at the foot of the building, with green Hellfire in his hands as he tried to hold it up with his telekinetic magic.

“Jacob! Jane!” the old cultist called out with relief. “Thank goodness you’re here. I don’t know how much longer I can hold this together!”

The white-haired cultist was down on his knees with a look of pure pain stretched across his wrinkled face. Sweat was pouring down his forehead by the gallon, and his glowing green hands were shaking intensely.

I could see why.

Oliver’s emerald spell was wrapped around the base of the skyscraper like an enchanted band-aid, and it appeared to be the only thing keeping its structure from crumbling into oblivion.

Jane and I both created our own telekinetic spells, shot them up around the building, and held on for dear life.

“Todd’s rounding up all the people still in there,” I explained, “we just have to keep it up until they’re evacuated.”

“And then what?” Jane questioned through a grimace. “We can’t just let an entire skyscraper fall down on the city.”

“We won’t,” I reassured the brunette. “Trust me, I have a plan.”

“I just hope Todd makes it brief,” Oliver panted. “My old bones feel like they’re about to snap like twigs!”

We held our telekinetic spell for another two or three minutes as the battle raged on behind us, but the strain of the building’s weight in our grasp made it feel like an hour.

Finally, I saw the tiny red imp appear through the main entrance, followed by six people who were in complete disbelief.

“Comeoncomeoncomeon!” Todd motioned to the civilians. “Move your asses before you become octopussy food!”

The second Todd and the others were at a safe distance, I looked back and forth between Jane and Oliver.

“This is gonna take a group effort,” I explained, “so grab onto my shoulders, and don’t let go. Of me or your spells.”

Both of the cultists got on me, and then I rose up into the sky. Without breaking the grip of the glowing jade Hellfire, I fluttered as high as I could go and then glanced back over my shoulder.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my friends zipping around Ecturra’s head like a swarm of angry bees. The monster was lashing out at them with both its tentacles and its razor-sharp teeth, but they were way too fast for her.

“Are--Are we going to do what I think we are?” Oliver gasped as realization sunk in.

“We have to try,” I confirmed, “or we’re not doing too much damage otherwise. Now, one three. One … Two … Three!”

As the words left my mouth, the three of us raised our hands upward, and the base of the building began to shake and rumble as it was torn off its foundation and lifted up into the sky.

“I-I don’t know if I can do this!” Oliver grunted.

“Keep going!” I commanded the cultist. “We’re almost there.”

Poor guy. I was fucking struggling with this one, so I could only imagine how a mortal was handling it.

Finally, the base of the skyscraper was at eye level with my team.

Now, came the hard part.

My arms were trembling like jelly as I turned around and took aim at Ecturra.

“Forward!” I ordered, and then all three of us threw our hands out like we were releasing a beam of energy.

The entire fucking skyscraper was launched across the landscape, directly at the yellow monstrosity that was attacking it. My friends shot off in all different directions as the building rocketed toward Ecturra, but the Lovecraftian terror was none the wiser.

Finally, the building struck Ecturra square in the chest and shattered into a million pieces of concrete and steel. The impact of the attack knocked the creature off its feet and launched her far back into the ocean, where she disappeared underneath the surface with a splash that could account for a fucking tsunami.

In fact, it was a fucking tsunami.

As the monster landed in the water, a tidal wave rivaling the skyscraper we’d just thrown sprang forth from the ocean and nearly stretched across the entire horizon.

Even though my body ached like a mother fucker, I flew us back to the shore, summoned purple Hellfire into my hands, tossed up the biggest wall of protective flames I could think of, and held it out in front of us.

Jane and Oliver joined in with protective spells of their own, but even then, it wasn’t enough to hold back the entire wave.

“Liby! Deja! Follow me to the left!” Cupi ordered as she summoned red flames into her hand. “Todd and Eclipse, you take the right. We need to stop this thing by any means necessary!”

Todd flew off to the right side of our barrier and then proceeded to assault the tidal wave with a barrage of red fireballs. Meanwhile, Eclipse was right behind him as she tossed down black holes using her black Hellfire magic.

On the other side, Cupiditas flew ahead of her Sisters and blasted the wave with blue flames. Once the wave was frozen, Deja and Liby proceeded to take it out with a blast of red fire.

The impact from the sea swell knocked me to the ground, but I held my enchantment as I pushed back against it with purple flames.

I wasn’t going to let Ecturra destroy this city. Not while I was still breathing, at least.

Finally, after a few seconds of intense pushback, the wave subsided.

“Holy shit,” Jane panted as she fell down on all fours. “How did we manage to pull that off?”

“I dunno,” I admitted, “I guess there’s still a few tricks left in this old dog after all.”

“Excellent job!” Raphael announced as he slapped me heartily on the back.

“Owwww.” A wave of pain shot through my already-bruised body, and I stared daggers at the Archangel.

He immediately withdrew, looked down at the ground, and began to whistle.

“Do you think we got her?” Libidine asked as the rest of my team landed next to us.

“We’ve burned her, stabbed her, and Hulked a fucking twenty-story building at her,” I huffed. “I fucking hope so.”

“I dunno.” Todd shrugged. “Octopussy seems to be like fucking Jason Vorhees. You keep thinkin’ she’s dead, and then--”

Suddenly, Ecturra’s massive form burst forth from the ocean, only a few hundred feet from where we were standing. The creature let out a rage-filled roar, and then it slammed its mile-long tentacle down onto the ground and sent a massive fissure through the Earth.

All nine of us were tossed up off the ground from the impact, but thankfully we were able to catch ourselves on our wings, purple platforms, and black Hellfire.

Eclipse flew over so she was only a few dozen feet away from the monster and then blasted it with her black magic.

However, Ecturra wasn’t having it this time.

Before the blinding spell could reach her eyes, the Lovecraftian horror contracted the muscles in her tentacle and shot a dark, gooey substance out of its suction cup. The goo struck Eclipse and knocked her backward, where it promptly pinned her to the ground.

“It’s ectoplasm!” she gasped as she struggled to break free. “It’s counteracting my spell!”

“Ectoplasmic money shot,” Todd whistled, “now I’ve seen everything, bro.”

Ecturra lifted up her tentacle and then brought it down on Eclipse, but all the beast hit was a large barrier of purple flames.

Raphael snapped his fingers, and a large glow of Divine Light appeared before him. Slowly, but surely, it stretched out to take the form of a large, two-handed weapon.

A minigun. It was a fucking minigun made out of pure Divine Light.

“What the fuck, dude?” I groaned.

“It’s only for emergencies,” Raph explained when he saw us giving him frustrated looks.

Raphael took to the sky as the magazine on the gun began to whir and spin around like a carousel on crack. Suddenly, the muzzle lit up, and shots of pure Divine energy blasted forth from the barrel like thousands of tiny shooting stars.

The bullets struck Ecturra’s tentacle and riddled it full of holes. The creature shrieked as it pulled its appendage back, but it was far too late.

Raphael’s weapon had turned it into swiss cheese, and the entire top half was dangling down as it hung by a fleshy thread. Literal gallons of orange blood poured from the tentacle’s wounds as Ecturra flailed it around and doused the entire shore with gore.

The monster tossed out a bunch of more ectoplasmic blobs of goo, but my friends and I were quick enough to avoid the incoming attack.

Cupi cartwheeled out of the path of the ectoplasm, threw out a blast of red Hellfire, and then flipped backward to dodge another.

Raphael spun around to dodge the attack, but the ectoplasm struck him in the back and knocked his minigun from his hands.

“The weight of the weapon threw off my timing!” the Archangel explained.

“It’s alright, bro,” Todd promised as he flew over to the fallen weapon, “I got this. Hey, Ecturra? You a farmer? How ‘bout a couple of acers?”

The imp looked comical as he picked up the minigun that was double his size, propped it up toward the monster, and squeezed the trigger. As he did so, the force from the bullets exiting the barrel pushed back against his weight, and his tiny body spun around end-over-end. Todd looked like an out-of-control wind turbine as he flipped in midair, and then he finally halted his assault.

Suddenly, a glob of ectoplasm landed on top of him and pinned him to the ground.

“We need to get that thing closer if we want to do some real damage!” I commanded and pointed at the fallen weapon.

I ran toward the minigun, but Ecturra had turned its attention on my friends.

A massive tentacle shot out, grabbed Oliver and Jane, and picked them up in its grasp. Black ectoplasm oozed out of its suction cups and then smothered the cultists in its hold.

Fuck the gun. I was gonna do this the old-fashioned way.

I rocketed toward Ecturra’s tentacle, drew the Sword of Saints, and then stabbed it into the creature’s appendage.

It let out a wail of pain as it released Oliver and Jane, and then Cupi and Liby flew by to catch the falling cultists.

Unfortunately, that was just what Ecturra wanted.

Two more tentacles wrapped around my body, one at the arm and one at the leg, and then squeezed tightly.

I quickly re-enforced my Caliginian armor with purple Hellfire, but even then, it still felt like my bones and muscles were about to be squeezed out of me like a tube of toothpaste.

Then the creature brought me toward its mouth and opened wide.

Its breath smelled like fucking rotten shit that had been left out in the hot sun, and spittles of its nasty green saliva flecked out onto my armor.

All I could do was complete my protective spell, cover my body completely with purple flames, and then hold on for dear life.

“Jacob!” Libidine screamed in horror somewhere behind me.

Ecturra’s teeth gnashed against my armor, but it somehow held up. Then I felt the monster’s tongue push me to the back of its mouth, where it promptly swallowed me whole.

The world went dark as I felt myself being squeezed down Ecturra’s esophagus, and then I fell down into a large, open area. I landed with a splash into a putrid-smelling liquid, and I instantly knew what was going on.

I was in the literal belly of the fucking beast.

The smell was now completely unbearable, so I doubled over and spilled my guts into Ecturra’s guts. Once that was done, I tried to think of a way out of here.

The Sword of Saints was still lodged in this fucker’s tentacle, and I knew for a fact that my goat-headed dagger couldn’t pierce through the creature’s skin.

Or could it? It was worth a shot to try … It’s not like I had anything better to do right now, anyway.

So, I pulled out the dagger, sloshed through the monster’s stomach acid, and then eventually found the inner lining of the organ. Next, I summoned red Hellfire into my hand, enchanted the dagger, and turned the blade into a fire-powered cutlass.

“Here goes nothing,” I muttered to myself as I hauled back and stabbed my sword into Ecturra’s stomach lining.

Suddenly, the entire world began to shake as a deep, guttural roar rose up from the outside.

It worked.

Ecturra’s insides must not have been as tough as her outside.

But this dagger wasn’t going to do the trick … I needed something with a bit more firepower.

And I knew exactly how to get it.

I closed my eyes and reached out to the very souls of my friends. I felt Todd, Eclipse, and Raph, struggling underneath the weight of the ectoplasmic traps. Cupi and Liby were next, followed shortly after that by Deja, Oliver, and Jane.

Hopefully they could all sense I was still alive, and they would give me the very essence of their souls. As I sat there in the dark, disgusting pit of Ecturra’s stomach, a warm feeling rose up in my very core.

It was my friends.

Jacob? Raphael’s voice questioned in my mind. I knew you were alright! Take our powers, and finish off this blithering blatherskite once and for all.

I had no idea what the Archangel was saying, but I could get behind his message.

The air around me felt electric as it began to glow from the shine of my Divine Light, and when I finally opened up my eyes, I could see nothing but a blinding white glow.

The energy surged within me, and for a brief second, I wondered if I could kill this monster just off pure radiation alone.

Best not to leave it up for debate.

In one fell swoop, I unleashed my God Bomb, and the world went completely white.

I heard the sound of searing flesh as Ecturra was engulfed in the blinding Divine Light, followed up immediately by the sound of flesh being torn apart from the inside.

The claustrophobic feeling disappeared almost instantly when I heard the sounds of the ocean waves return to my ears and felt the cool, briny breeze against my face.

Then, all around me, I heard large splashes and splats.

My vision slowly returned, and I gasped in shock.

The beach below me was drenched in orange blood, and chunks of Ecturra were littered across the once white sands.

“I knew my boy would come through!” Todd cheered as Cupi cut him free of the ectoplasm. “Ain’t nothing gonna stop the God Bomb, bitches!”

I let out a soul-cleansing sigh of relief as I surveyed the mess.

Ecturra was dead, and all of my friends were alive and well. Even better, we stopped the creature with zero civilian casualties and only minor property destruction.

Most important of all, however, was the fact that we stopped the apocalypse.

“Not today, Satan,” I huffed in my best Dana Carvey Church Lady voice.

Suddenly, an overwhelming pain overtook my body. I’d taken a fucking beating from this monster, and I didn’t think I had any energy left in my body.

My vision began to go dark as I wobbled back and forth in the sky. Then I closed my eyes and plummeted down to the ground.

Chapter 17

I was moving, and as I slowly came to, I realized I was in some sort of vehicle moving down the road at high speed. Then I opened my eyes and was greeted by a tacky, off-color red roof.

That, plus the undeniable scent of weed.

I was in the backseat of Lola.

“Hey there, sport!” Todd cackled as I sat up and rubbed my eyes. “I thought you were gonna sleep all the way back to Arizona.”

“Where are we?” I questioned as I looked out the window and saw nothing but sprawling fields of wheat.

“Kansas, I believe,” Deja noted as she looked back from the passenger seat. “But it could also be Nebraska. I get them confused all the time.”

“Probably Texas,” I snorted.

“Naw, bro,” Todd snickered. “I saw the ‘welcome to Texas’ sign like four hours ago. There is no way we are still there. It’s Oklahoma for sure.”

“Where’s everybody else?” I asked instead of pointing out that there was no reason to go up through Texas to get to Oklahoma so that we would have to drive down through Texas to Arizona again. “What happened back there?”

“Oh, it was a total shit show, bro,” Todd explained. “Right after you passed out, all the people we saved came out and started asking questions. Some of ‘em wanted pictures, others wanted to call the police … Thankfully, Liby gave ‘em the Cosby special, and then they went about their way.”

“The Cosby--” I began, but then just shook my head in disgust when I realized what he meant.

“So, we picked you up, brought you back to the vehicles, and decided it was time to go home,” Deja went on. “The rest of the team are up ahead in Shadow.”

“Not Raphey, though,” Todd added. “Mr. ‘I can fast travel’ decided he was just gonna meet us at the mansion and hang out with the girls until we get back.”

“Probably gonna get in a few hours at the Velvet Lips, too,” I joked as I rubbed at the dull throbbing in my side. “What I want to know is, how the fuck are they going to explain what happened back there to the people?”

“Freak tsunami.” Deja shrugged. “That’s what the news stations are saying. And as far as Ecturra’s remains? They’re calling it an ‘unidentified animal.’”

“Ohhhhh, all those paranormal people at the conference are probably having a field day, bro,” Todd interjected. “That was probably the best day of their fucking lives.”

“If they even remember,” I snorted. “Didn’t you say Liby wiped their minds?”

Deja and Todd looked at each other awkwardly.

“We only did the people who were evacuated,” Deja explained, “the ones on the beach and in the skyscrapers and in the immediate vicinity. There was no way we could go out and erase the memories of every single person in Tampa.”

“Fair enough,” I sighed. “Let’s just hope nobody got that shit on video.”

“Eh, even if they did, nobody’s gonna believe it,” Todd scoffed, “I mean, shit, bro, there’s video evidence of what happened back in Vegas, and people still think Johnny boy is a loon.”

Even though the imp was right, I had a sneaking suspicion this little occurrence was gonna come back to haunt us later.

Either way, we stopped the fucking apocalypse. That was cause enough for a bit of rest and relaxation before we hopped into our next adventure, whatever that may be.

“We’ll need to fortify the Sixth and Eighth Circles when we get back,” I thought aloud. “If Abaddon is really working with my father now, then he may try to make a push into our territory.”

“Especially Lilith’s,” Deja agreed. “Surely, Lucifer isn’t too happy about her betrayal.”

“Oh, I’m not,” a silver-tongued voice mused from my right.

I jerked my head to the side and saw my father was there, in the car, right next to me in the back seat. His legs were nonchalantly crossed over each other as he ran his grubby hands through the oil slick that was his hair. Lucifer’s standard red suit was nowhere to be seen, and it was instead replaced by a casual short-sleeved shirt that had a stiff collar and a red-and-black dotted pattern. His pants were a pleated gray, and I could nearly see my own reflection in the Devil’s polished black shoes.

“Are you really here?” I growled. “Or is this just another one of your tricks?”

“Of course I’m really here, bro … ” Todd trailed off. “I know I’m not in my usual sexy Greek god of a bod right now, but it’s still your friendly neighborhood Toddster.”

That answered my question.

“Not you,” I sighed. “Him. It looks like it’s time for our mandatory father-son visit.”

“He’s here?” Deja gasped as she whipped around to stare into the backseat with wide eyes. “In the car with us?”

“My, my, my,” Lucifer spat, “I’m not used to this celebrity treatment. Usually when a mortal or demon sees me, they just assume I’m a slimy lawyer or politician and keep walking. Two of my favorite professions, sure, but that’s not me.”

“What do you want, ‘Dad?’” I growled.

“I’m sensing some hostility,” the silver-tongued bastard sneered. “Didn’t that bumbling idiot of a stepdad teach you anything about manners?”

“I’d watch your words if I were you,” I warned.

An evil grin spread across Lucifer’s face before he shook his head with amusement.

“It takes some stones to threaten me, boy,” Lucifer mused. “I knew there was a reason I haven’t snapped your neck and tossed you to my hellhounds yet.”

Even though I was trying to keep my cool, my fists were now clenched, and I wanted to fry this mother fucker with every fiber of my being. Of course, he was only a projection, and any attack wouldn’t do any good.

It would still make me feel a hell of a lot better, though.

“Something tells me you didn’t just come to chit-chat,” I continued.

“Afraid not, son.” The Devil shrugged, and then picked a fleck of lint off his shirt. “I came to tell you that you haven’t stopped anything. You may have killed Ecturra and saved the sorry mortals in that cesspool of a city, but it’s not over. The apocalypse will continue as scheduled, and good old Johnny boy is still going to be its harbinger. Just as foretold. No matter how bad you and your goons roughed him up, I know how men think. Zeitmann will bow down to me the second I offer him more money. You know why? Because nobody can resist those small green notes that act as the backbone of sin.”

“So, you came here to gloat?” I retorted.

“Just a warning,” he promised as he raised his hands into the air. “That’s all. You’ve been one of my favorite Nephilims, Jacob, so I figured I could at least give you a fair warning since, well, you know … You’ve been so heavily involved with this affair so far.”

“Thanks,” I snarked, “but your apocalypse is never going to happen. I won’t let it.”

“I can’t wait to see how your tone changes once you see what I do to that traitorous bitch, Lilith.” Lucifer sat forward in his seat and narrowed his eyes. “Perhaps when you see what I have in store for her, you’ll finally realize the only way forward is to serve me.”

“Fuck off!” I snapped as I slammed my hand against the seat.

Lucifer wasn’t fazed by my sudden outburst.

“Fine.” He shrugged. “See you around, son.”

Lucifer’s projection snapped his fingers, and then he disappeared with a flash of green Hellfire.

“Now, I know I’m not the greatest judge of most situations,” Todd spoke up as he looked back at me in the rearview mirror, “but that totally didn’t sound like it went well.”

“He said he’s going after Lilith, and that we weren’t going to be able to stop his apocalypse from happening,” I explained and clenched my fists. “One thing’s for sure … we need to get back to the Fourth Circle ASAP.”

I leaned back in my seat, took a deep breath, and then stared out the window at the passing cornfields.

At least I could take solace in one thing … our plan with Zeitmann had worked. Lucifer didn’t hear a single word of the bargain we made with the paranormal expert, and he was completely unaware that John was now going to act as our double agent.

It was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

The next ten hours passed by in a flash. Todd drove us across the plains, past the sign indicating we were leaving Texas, through New Mexico, and then back to the desert of our home state of Arizona. Before I knew it, we followed Shadow up into the driveway of the mansion.

As we entered through the doorway, we heard the deep voice of Raphael as he told the rest of the group about our story. When the rest of us finally entered the room, the succubi’s eyes lit up with excitement.

“You have returned!” Sia announced with glee. “I was beginning to think you were going to stay in Tampa forever.”

“Amico!” The ghost of Martatelli seemed just as excited to see me.

“Nah,” I joked, “I’ve already got a place where the sun never stops shining and it’s hot as balls all the time. And it doesn’t have any fucking palmetto bugs or crazy dudes on bath salts.”

“You have grown wise, Jakey-san,” Todd snickered as his body began to bubble. “You make your Sensei proud with that joke.”

Todd’s lanky, stoner-looking human form began to shrink and contort until he’d become a three-foot-tall imp once more. Then, without another word, he slunk over to the couch, hopped up, and leaned back against the cushions.

“So, is it true?” Ira asked as she stood from her seat and strutted over to me. “Did you really get devoured by a giant monster? I’ve always wanted to try that.”

“Sure did,” I answered proudly, “and then I blew that fucker up from the inside.”

“Ohhhh.” Ira shuddered. “I wish you’d blow me up from the inside, if you know what I mean.”

“Not gonna lie,” Tris spoke up from the living room’s second couch, “I’m really glad I sat this one out. It sounds like it got waaaaaaay more convoluted than my mind could ever handle. Plus, my body probably would have physically shut down from exhaustion after the second or third fight with the herds of monsters.”

“That’s not a thing that happens.” Inpulsa rolled her eyes.

“You wouldn’t know!” Tris shot back. “You’re literally going all the time, like the fucking Energizer Bunny!”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” The yellow-haired succubus stuck out her tongue.

“Dovremmo tornare in paradiso,” Martatelli muttered as he floated over to Raphael and made exaggerated hand gestures. “L’esaltato si sta probabilmente chiedendo dove siamo!”

“Calm down, my friend,” Raphael reassured the spirit. “Even if the Exalted One is wondering where we are, he has absolutely zero reason not to trust us. And thanks to your marvelous invention, he will be completely in the dark about our whereabouts these last few days. I’ll just tell him we were off hunting down other cultists or trying to convert the impoverished. He always falls for that one.”

“We need to get back to Hell, too,” I admitted. “Lucifer came to me on the way back and said he’s going to come after Lilith. And he’s not done trying to bring about the apocalypse.”

“Of course, he’s not,” Superbia sighed. “Once Lucifer has his mind set on something, nothing short of an act of God will dissuade him.”

“Then we really need to get back,” I repeated. “The last thing I want is to go down there and find out he took over the Fourth Circle while we were gone.”

“Then this is farewell for now, I suppose.” Oliver frowned.

“For now.” I nodded. “But I will definitely be in touch. Especially when you start getting new information to give me.”

Jane stepped forward, threw her arms around my neck, and embraced me tightly.

“I always hate it when you leave,” the brunette cultist sighed. “I’m always worried that it’ll be the last time I see you.”

“Don’t worry about me,” I promised her, “I’ll always come back. You give me plenty of incentives.”

“Why, thank you, King Ralston!” Oliver grinned, but Jane and I just exchanged an amused glance.

The cultist pulled away and then joined Oliver at his side.

Next, it was the Divine group’s turn to say their goodbyes.

“Amico!” Martatelli was nearly in tears as he floated over to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulder. “Per favore, non morire. Mi mancherai se sei morto.”

“He’s asking you not to die,” Rapahel translated. “He’ll miss you if you’re dead.”

“I don’t intend to,” I chuckled as I pulled free of the spirit’s grip and turned to Raphael. “Raph, I look forward to our next chat. Whether that be by HAM radio or over drinks at the Velvet Lips or whatever crazy shenanigans we get ourselves into.”

“Shenanigans are always my favorite.” Raphael smiled. “See you around, Jacob. And the rest of you, too.”

“Don’t be too much of a square up there, bro,” Todd warned as he waved goodbye.

Raph and Martatelli said their goodbyes to everyone, and then they disappeared into a flash of blinding white light.

“Until next time, guys,” I bid farewell to Jane and Oliver. “Try to keep this mansion in one piece, will ya?”

“No promises.” Jane smirked.

I chuckled as I turned around and motioned for my friends to follow me, and then we all headed out to the garage. What happened next was nearly autopilot at this point.

We found the tarp at the back of the garage, removed it, and then entered through our personal portal to Hell one-by-one. I was the last one to go through, and as I passed, I used my green flames to put the tarp back into place.

Within seconds, we found ourselves in the courtyard of the Fourth Circle.

Home, sweet home.

Daniel and several of my Shade guards were hanging out a few yards away from where we appeared, and they all smiled with excitement when they saw we had returned.

However, that smile quickly faded.

There was a flash of green Hellfire directly behind the guards, and a hooded figure appeared out of thin air.

Son of a bitch. This wasn’t over yet.

“Behind you!” Cupi called out as she tossed a red fireball at the intruder.

The shadowy figure backflipped out of the way of the incoming attack, and as it dodged, it unleashed a handful of tiny black balls into the air. The balls lit up with a laser-like red glow before they shot out projections in all directions.

I recognized the symbols immediately. They were large circles with stars and Hebrew writing on the inside.

Seals of Solomon. AKA demon traps.

The succubi and Todd all instantly went rigid as they were caught up in the glow of the trap. Unfortunately for this bastard, though, I wasn’t a demon.

I was a fucking Nephilim, and I was going to make them pay for their intrusion.

My Shades drew their blades and went after the intruder, but this guy had the agility of a cat.

The figure spun out of the way of the sword swings, caught another Shade’s wrist, and then used his momentum to drive his sword through another’s leg. Once the injured Shade was on his knees, the figure roundhouse kicked him to the face and dropped him like a ragdoll.

Next, the intruder twisted his captive Shade’s wrist, caught his dropped sword in midair, and then stabbed it through his stomach. The assailant then ducked under an incoming attack, punched the offending Shade in the crotch, and came up with an uppercut to his jaw.

Whoever this was, they weren’t your run-of-the-mill demon. My Shades needed my help.

So, I drew the Sword of Saints and then charged at the hooded figure. I lashed out at it with the weapon when I was finally in striking range, but the bastard simply ducked out of the way.

Just like I’d hoped he’d do.

I summoned bronze Hellfire into my hands, blasted the ground at their feet, and knocked them to the ground. Then, before they could hop back up, I created a purple cube around their body and pinned them to the ground.

“Who the fuck are you?” I demanded as I walked over and held the tip of the Sword of Saints to their neck. “How did you get down here?”

“I just wanted to talk to you, King Ralston,” a soft yet commanding voice arose from the darkness of the hood. “You weren’t returning my calls, so I had to come down here.”

I squatted down and pulled back the hood, and then I nearly dropped my sword in shock.

Behind the hood was a round-faced woman with dirty blonde hair and a scowl that looked like it could strip paint off the walls. Most peculiar, however, was the fact that her eyes were green.

“Are you a demon or an angel?” I continued.

“Neither.” She smiled. “I’m a human.”

Impossible.

“Humans can’t travel to Hell,” I retorted. “You think you can break into my domain and then lie to me?”

“There’s a lot you don’t know, King Ralston,” the woman chuckled. “My name is Isabella, and I’m with the Bureau of Paranormal Investigations.”

No fucking way. It was real? The fucking shadow organization that Todd, Chort, and John Zeitmann had all warned me about wasn’t just the ramblings of paranoid paranormal fanatics?

The BPI was real.

“Point for the Toddster!” Todd called out from behind me.

“Start talking,” I commanded the woman. “Actually, release my friends first.”

Isabella reached down and pressed some sort of button underneath her robe. There was a loud beep, and then I heard all my friends fall to the ground as they were released from their enchanted prisons.

“You’ve been a busy man, Jacob Ralston.” Isabella smirked. “What you did in Vegas and Tampa or even San Francisco? Very impressive. But that’s not why I’m here. No … I’m here because I want to talk to you about your father.”

End Book 14

End Notes

Thank you for reading Succubus Lord 14: Swimsuit Edition! I’ll start writing the next book as soon as this one has one-hundred reviews. So please leave a nice review here!

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2019 by Eric Vall