Chapter 1

I soaked in the rays of the sun and enjoyed the view of the pristine, blue water that looked back at me over the railing of the ship. An even better view, however, was located just off to my right.

Eligor, Cupi, Invidia, and Libidine had all come along on this excursion to Earth Realm, and each one of them were clad in the tightest, skimpiest bikinis they could find.

Cupiditas was wearing a white, wrap-style bikini top that pushed against her perky breasts so tightly, I was afraid it was going to tear at any moment. Around her lower half was an equally tight set of bottoms that pressed against her tight ass and came up to about her belly button. The most important feature, however, was it would become nearly transparent the second she got wet.

Par for the course, Invidia had on a tiny black bikini with a top that barely covered her nipples. The straps of the top were arranged in the form of a pentagram around her clavicle, and the bottoms bore a printed image of a skull wearing a beanie.

Then there was Libidine. The Sister of Lust had on the most revealing outfit of them all, a “sling” bikini whose only pieces of fabric were two dark swatches of nylon just large enough to cover her nipples and then a horizontal patch that barely concealed the tender slit between her legs. All of it was held together by a few thin pieces of chord, and it was the closest thing to naked the succubi could be up here on Earth.

Eligor was still trying to grow accustomed to the norms of the human world. No matter how much we advised her, the blonde knight was adamant about keeping her traditional silver, scalemail armor.

But it pretty much was a bikini, and the outfit looked just as sexy as all the rest of them, so I didn’t complain.

“You okay, Jakey?” Todd’s voice asked as he walked up and leaned against the railing to my left. “We’re out on a fucking Caribbean cruise, bro. Shouldn’t you be partying like the rest of us? I swear I’m on, like, my fifth joint of the day.”

“So, a normal Saturday then?” I joked.

Todd was currently back in his human form, and he was wearing a black-and-green pair of swim trunks with pot leaves scattered across the front and back. He also had on a bright red Hawaiian shirt that had been left open to expose his pot belly and grody blond body hair for all to see. There was an obnoxiously large dollop of sunscreen on his nose, and he wore a giant sun hat on his noggin.

“You laugh, but this is just the Toddster’s pregame,” the imp in disguise mused before he finished off his joint and flicked it into the ocean. “The real party’s gonna start when it gets dark outside and all the cabana chicks start coming out.”

“I don’t think it’s that sort of cruise, bro,” I reminded him. “Besides, we’re here for work, not pleasure.”

“Come on, Jacob,” Libidine giggled as she stared me down playfully. “You should know by now, when it comes to succubi, it’s all one and the same.”

“Seriously, Jacob,” Invidia added with a coy smile, “even I’m having a blast out here. No screamo needed. I’m just worried I’m gonna bring down a plane with my pale-ass arms.”

The gothic succubus showed off the light, cream-colored skin on her body with a little twirl, and I felt my trunks tightening as I checked out her barely-contained curvy ass.

“Careful, Vidia,” Cupi warned. “Your body is amazing, and we don’t need to get Jacob all hot and bothered while he’s trying to work.”

“That’s the truth,” Todd added. “Jakey starts walking around here with a hard-on, and there’s gonna be some questioning stares. Maybe even some cops called. I dunno about you, but I don’t wanna end up meeting Chris Hanson today.”

“It’s hard not to be hot and bothered when you guys all look sexy as fuck,” I protested. “You may as well have chosen to go naked.”

“I would have enjoyed that,” Cupi shrugged, “but, like you told us when we first joined you, we can’t just go around flaunting our ‘naughty bits.’ It’s too distracting.”

As I stared down at the succubus’ erect nipples, I temporarily forgot what I was going to say.

“Uh, yeah,” I mumbled, “totally less distracting.”

“Are you certain that Loras and Duglot are here?” Eligor finally spoke up. “This seems like an odd place for Demon Lords to go and hide.”

“Goldilocks,” Todd chuckled as he put his arm around her shoulder, “Jakey and I have been killing Demon Lords since, well … it’s only been three years, but we’ve still totally got the experience. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned in our many adventures, it’s that demon fuckers like to hide in plain sight.”

“It’s true,” Cupi agreed, “before we went down to Hell to fight Azazel, all of the enemies we faced were living amongst the humans in disguise. Loras and Duglot will be no different.”

“How are we going to find them?” Eligor questioned. “There must be at least a thousand people on this … what did you call it? A ‘cruise?’”

“That will be easy,” Cupi retorted coyly. “Are you familiar with the Apocalypsis augurium?”

“Of course, I am,” the blonde knight responded. “It’s the one I always had to be on the lookout for when I was undercover in the Fourth Circle. I had a counter-curse ready to go and everything.”

“I wasn’t aware there was such a thing,” Cupi pondered aloud. “I always thought the Apocalypsis augurium was too powerful to be countered.”

“Not when you have Lilith on your side,” Eligor responded with a cocky smile. “When you work for the original succubus, anything is possible.”

“Do you think Lumis and Sandlot will have one of those counter curses or whatever the fuck you call them?” Todd questioned. “Because, just between you and me, I wanna get this whole mission over with realll quick like. That way I can go back to hanging out with all the babes in the hot tub. Did you know the water jets in those things are great for foreplay?”

“For the man, or the woman?” Invidia asked in a somewhat horrified tone.

“It all depends on what floats your boat, Elvira,” the imp snickered. “Ya know, whether or not you’re doing the pitching or the catching. Whether you’re givin’ it or takin’ it. Whether you’re the pipe or Mario.”

“We get it, Todd,” I laughed and then motioned up and down to his body. “But I must ask … do the chicks really dig the whole ‘Shaggy meets Monkey D. Luffy’ look?”

“Who the fuck wouldn’t?” Todd gasped with offense. “Those are two of the greatest characters to ever grace our universe, bro. Their shows probably both have the same number of episodes, too. So, thank you for the compliment, Jakey.”

“You’re welcome, bro,” I chuckled and then turned back to the scantily clad Cupiditas, “but he does have a point. How does this spell work? You never got to finish telling me about it before we left.”

“That’s because I was too busy finishing you in another way.” The blonde woman winked, and I felt my trunks tighten against my dick. “If you must know, it’s a Medieval incantation used a lot during the Crusades. Lucifer and his followers were highly active during that time period, so the forces of the Divine worked with the Pope to come up with a spell that would allow one to see through the disguise of a demon walking among humans.”

“Uhhhh, why didn’t I know about this sooner?” I questioned. “That could have saved us a boatload of time back when we were first getting started.”

“It wasn’t really needed.” Cupi shrugged. “We had the book from the Chapel of the Trinity that told us exactly who we were looking for, and most of the time we were trying to stay undercover when we went after them. Using such a powerful spell would have been counterintuitive.”

“Then why are we using it now?” Todd questioned.

“Because,” I cut in, “we have no idea who Duglot and Loras are pretending to be. They could be the captain of this ship or one of the kids running around or even one of those girls you’re trying to fuck. All we know is our cultists found their hideout here on Earth and saw the itinerary for this cruise. That’s why we’re here.”

“I really hope they’re not those sexy babes,” Todd shuddered. “That’d be a real fucked up game of Guess Who, bro. One where you don’t realize you’re wrong until there’s a one-eyed lizard staring you back in the face.”

“Don’t worry, Todd,” Cupi reassured us all, “I’m going to go around vetting each and every one of these people before we make a move. The spell may be extremely powerful, but it only has a small radius, which means I will have inspected all the different parts of this cruise ship, piece by piece.”

“How can we help, Sister?” Libidine asked, but Cupi just shook her head.

“I’m not sure you can,” the blonde admitted. “It’s a very complex spell, one that I only learned how to master a few thousand years ago.”

“Oh,” Todd snickered under his breath, “only a few thousand years.”

“That’s not a long time for a demon, Todd,” Invidia explained. “Imagine if you only learned how to play the guitar a year ago. You wouldn’t be shredding in front of a live audience yet, right? You might maaaybe know the riff in Fat Lip or Misery Business, but that’d be about it. That’s how Cupi is with this spell.”

“Exactly,” the Sister of Greed said with a nod. “Teaching any of you this spell would take far too long, so it is a burden I alone have to bear. Besides, you’ve been far too stressed out lately, my love. Take some time to relax and unwind, and then I’ll send up the signal when I find these guys.”

As much as I hated to admit it, she was right. Ever since we went down through the Porta ad Infernos all those months ago, it’d been one thing after the other. If it wasn’t facing off against a devil worm or going into the final battle with my arch-nemesis, it was trying to ward off paranormal assassins or trying my damnedest to form alliances with other Demon Kings.

It was all to gain more power, which was awesome, but holy shit, was it exhausting.

“Say no more, Cupi,” Todd said through a toothy grin. “The Toddster’s gonna sit his ass down right over there, in the chair with a clear view of the hot tub, and take in the beautiful view with a blunt in my hand. Maybe I’ll even turn invisible for a while and wank a few out. Nobody would know any better. These decks are already full of semen, anyways.”

All four of us let out a collective groan at the imp’s words.

“You just couldn’t help yourself, could you?” I laughed.

“Bro,” Todd said as he nodded his head seriously, “if you thought you were getting through this whole cruise without hearing a ‘seamen’ joke or eleven, you were most sorely mistaken. I’ve got a bunch of ones lined up about poop decks and scuttlebutts and ‘blowing the man down’, and moby-in my dick, and all that shit, too. Wanna hear ‘em?”

“Maybe after the mission is over,” I chuckled. “Right now, I think I’m gonna take Cupi’s advice and just chill for a bit.”

“That’s what I like to hear!” the blonde succubus exclaimed. “I’ll go get started on finding the two Demon Lords, and you guys get some much needed rest and relaxation. Do you remember the signal?”

“A blast of blue Hellfire, straight up into the air,” I recollected. “When we see that, we’ll come running to your position.”

“Excellent,” Cupi finished. “I’ll see you all in a little while.”

Then the succubus turned around, bowed her head, and muttered something in Latin underneath her breath. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, a small, subtle pulse of purple light spread out from her feet and travelled across the wood of the deck. She stood there for a moment, looked around curiously, and then moved on to the next spot.

“You think she’ll be alright?” Libidine asked with a tinge of worry in her voice. “Duglot and Loras aren’t exactly pushovers. What if they see her coming?”

“They won’t,” I promised the succubus, “and even if they do, they sure as fuck aren’t going to engage. They’re scared shitless of us, remember? Not to mention, by now they must know how bad I fucked up Kegg. If I can take on Beelzebub’s most feared general, then I sure as hell can kill these two pussies.”

“I hope you’re right,” Libidine sighed. “I just worry about my sister sometimes. She may be a badass demon warrior, but she’s still only one succubus.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” I reminded the dark-haired woman as we watched Cupi walk away, “you’re not just a succubus. You’re a Demon Lord, and a damn good one at that.”

Libidine didn’t say anything, but I could see the happiness on her face as she ran over and snuggled up against me. Her hair smelled sweet, and her skin was soft as silk against my own.

“Have I ever mentioned how much I love having you as a King?” she giggled as I held her in my arms. “You’re always so encouraging and kind.”

“He even makes me happy,” Invidia snorted, “and I hate being happy. Ewwww.”

“That’s what I do.” I shrugged at my girls. “One of many services that I’m known for.”

“Alright, it’s getting a little too sappy over here for me,” Todd admitted with a wave of his hand. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go sit my ass down, smoke a joint, and take in all the gorgeous views of paradise while I think about the terrible things I wanna do to these smoking-hot chicks.”

“And he said I was the one who was going to end up on a list,” I whispered to the knight and the succubi as Todd walked away. “Oh well. Who wants to go for a swim? I’m sure the water’s great.”

Eligor leaned over the bannister of the boat and made a strange face as she observed the crashing waves.

“Surely you can’t be serious?” she asked with some concern. “I mean, I could tame the waters with my Hellfire, but that’s far from what I’d call ‘great.’”

“I believe he’s talking about the pool, Eligor,” Libidine corrected with a giggle. “It’s up on the second story of the boat.”

“Oh!” the blonde knight gasped with realization. “In that case, I’m all for it. It’s been ages since I’ve actually gone swimming since, well, the water in Hell is in pretty short supply. I just hope this chainmail doesn’t weigh me down.”

“Don’t worry,” I joked as I wrapped my arm around the blonde knight, “I’ll make sure we stay in the shallow end.”

“Darn,” Liby giggled, “you of all people know that deep is better.”

I felt my face flush a bit as my heart fluttered in my chest. If anything, Liby was the one who liked it deep.

“You coming, Vidia?” I asked back to the gothic succubus as we began to saunter toward the stairs.

“Sure.” The Sister of Envy shrugged, but I could tell she was more excited than she let on. “Just as long as I don’t get my makeup washed off. It takes a lot of effort to look this alabaster.”

Invidia jogged up to us and then pushed up against Libidine so she was within my wingspan.

With all three beautiful women in tow, I wandered across the deck of the ship’s first floor and then up the patterned metal staircase that led to the second level. As I moved through the throngs of people, I could sense there were dozens of eyes watching me curiously.

Why wouldn’t they be? I had three of the most beautiful women in the universe in my arms, three beautiful women who were wearing next to nothing at all.

They must have thought I was some sort of billionaire playboy, but they were wrong.

I was a fucking king.

The second story of the cruise ship was the top of the boat, and we were instantly met with the sight of the vast, open sea. The sky was equally as blue, and it stretched on for as far as the eye could see.

“Humans actually do this for fun?” Eligor questioned. “They seclude themselves out in open waters, hundreds of miles away from any sort of civilization?”

“Sounds like Heaven on Earth to me,” Vidia mused. “Just give me a deserted island, a notebook, my tunes, and I’ll be all set. And Jacob. I’d definitely need Jacob.”

“The fun is generally what happens on the boat,” I explained. “Check it out.”

I nodded over to a large group of people who stood around cocktail tables as they sipped their fancy drinks and conversed happily.

Just to the right of those people was a small stage with a theatrical light set up and a karaoke machine. There was an older couple on the stage swaying to the beat of Margaritaville as they tried to sing along with the words. However, something told me they already had too many margaritas for that to be possible.

On the far end of the deck was the five-star buffet, packed to the brim with every incredible food item you could imagine. Piles of buttered rolls towered over pans of garlic-roasted green beans, cheesy potatoes, and greasy meatloaf smothered with ketchup.

Even though I didn’t feel the slightest bit hungry, the sight brought a tsunami of drool to my mouth.

But that wasn’t what we were here for.

There, at the very center of the deck, was a massive pool whose water was as crystal clear as the ocean itself. The sun was just setting over the horizon, and the entire deck was now lit up by warm lights hung from poles placed at ten-foot intervals. There were built-in lights in the pool, as well, and they cut brightly through the water like a beacon that begged for our attention.

The four of us walked over to an empty set of lounge chairs, and then I pulled my shirt off my body and tossed it nonchalantly on the ground. A few of the women who were already in the pool let out an audible gasp, but I tried not to pay them any mind.

I already had all I needed right here in front of me.

“I’ll go first,” I announced, and then I took off toward the medium-depth section of the pool. “Cannonball!”

I jumped up into the air, tucked my legs into my chest, and then smashed into the surface of the water. It was nice and warm, and it embraced my body like a swaddled baby as I sank to the bottom. I felt my feet touch the concrete of the ground, so I pushed myself back up to the surface.

The second my head broke through the top of the pool, I saw Libidine had copied my actions. The succubus was already in mid-air with her body tucked into itself, and then she crashed into the pool with a large splash. Seconds later, her head popped back up, and she let out a loud cackle.

“That was so much fun!” she exclaimed. “Maybe we should use our pool at the mansion more often.”

“We do,” I retorted with a coy smile. “Or did you mean for actual swimming?”

“Stoooopppp,” the succubus pleaded jokingly as she splashed me with some water.

“Two can play at that game,” Eligor announced, “but once I get involved, it’s not a game others can win.”

The blonde knight was taking the more subtle approach by climbing down the ladder cautiously. Her ass was jutted out as she moved, and it jiggled with each rung she descended. Finally, Eligor was in the water.

She swam over to us and then gave me a mischievous look as I saw lime green appear under the water.

“Don’t you dare,” I warned her. “If you so much as--”

Before I could finish my warning, a huge splash of water rose up and then crashed down on Liby and me. It knocked us completely underneath the surface, but only for a moment.

I popped back up, shook the dampness from my hair, and then gave Eligor a dirty look.

“What?” she purred. “It looked like you guys were having fun, so I wanted to join in.”

“What about Vidia?” Liby asked aloud. “Isn’t she coming?”

“Yeah, yeah,” the Sister of Envy grumbled as she climbed down the ladder into the pool. “I’m here. But it isn’t gonna be pretty.”

The second the gothic succubus’ skin touched the water, seemingly endless amounts of white makeup was washed off her body and pooled in the water around her. As it washed away, I could finally see Invidia’s true skin tone.

She was still a bit pale compared to her sisters, but it was nothing like what I had come to expect from the Sister of Envy. Invidia must have been uncomfortable at my gaze, because she began to fidget and look at the ground.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, “I was afraid this would happen.”

“What do you mean?” I asked as I stepped forward and placed my hand on her face tenderly. “You still look sexy as fuck.”

“Really?” Vidia perked up at my words. “Even without the makeup?”

“Even without the makeup,” I confirmed. “You could never not be beautiful to me, Vidia.”

The Sister of Envy looked down at her reflection in the water, almost as if she were pondering something. Then she shook her head, took a deep breath, and disappeared beneath the surface. She reemerged only a second or two later, and I let out an audible gasp of surprise.

The water had washed away all of the makeup on her face, and it was like seeing Invidia for the first time all over again. Gone was her dark eyeliner. The white makeup she normally wore on her face had also washed away, along with the black lipstick she always painted on her mouth. Now, I could see Invidia in all her glory, and she was well aware of that.

She was more beautiful without her makeup. A hundred times more so, and I felt my head spin when I looked at her.

“D-Do you still think I’m beautiful?” she asked bashfully.

“Fuck yes!” I shot back and then leaned in for a kiss.

We made out for a solid minute before I realized we were in public, and if we kept going, we were going to be doing a lot more than kissing.

As I moved away from the succubus, I let out a long sigh.

“This is the fucking life.” I smiled at the women in the pool. “Maybe if we ever come back to Earth Realm for an extended period of time, I can buy one of these things and take everybody out.”

“That would be wonderful!” Liby agreed. “But where would we get that sort of money?”

“The Velvet Lips is still going pretty well,” I conceded, “at least, that’s what Metatron told me the last time we talked. I’m sure we could scrounge up enough profits to make it work.”

“Wait … ” Invidia mused, “didn’t you say you lived in Arizona? Where are you gonna find a place for a yacht in Arizona?”

“We’re only a few hours’ drive from California,” I suggested. “Maybe I just buy a spot in one of those giant ports? You know, where all the rich people keep their boats. I think if I--”

Suddenly, a brilliant ray of dark blue Hellfire blasted up from the port side of the ship.

My heart skipped a beat as I stared at the luminous sapphire in the sky, and then I looked at my friends knowingly.

“Isn’t that the signal?” Eligor asked rhetorically.

“It sure is,” I growled as I began to head toward the ladder. “Who’s ready to go kill some Demon Lords?”

Chapter 2

The four of us hurried out of the pool, dried ourselves off with a quick blast of red Hellfire, and then started to run toward the direction of Cupi’s signal. It had come from somewhere on the port side of the ship, and it looked like it was down on one of the lower levels.

I ran toward the side of the boat, summoned purple Hellfire into my hands, and then jumped over the edge. At the same time, I threw down a series of descending platforms, and I didn’t halt my momentum as I dashed down them. I saw Cupiditas was standing down on the lowest level deck of the ship, so I followed my makeshift pathway down, jumped over the railing, and landed on the hard wood of the floor with a thud.

“Using your powers in front of all these mortals?” The succubus clicked her tongue and shook her head. “I remember a time where you told us that was a big no-no.”

“It still is,” I reminded her, “but we’re out in the open sea, and everyone is trapped on this ship. Liby will just erase all their memories before we leave. Besides, what’s about to go down is going to be ten times worse than what they just saw.”

“So, where are they?” Eligor demanded as she fluttered down on her dark angel wings. “Where are Beelzebub’s last Demon Lords?”

Invidia and Libidine were right behind the Great Knight of Hell, carried by their own butterfly and bat-like appendages.

I heard a loud series of huffs come from my right, and then I turned to see human Todd barreling toward us looking like an anime character. His hat was trailing behind his head as he ran, and his red Hawaiian shirt fluttered off his body like a cape. Meanwhile, he took long, awkward strides and pumped his arms in an overexaggerated fashion.

“Sorry about that, bro,” he panted as he slid to a stop and tried to catch his breath. “It’s been so long since I’ve had to run with these spindly human legs. I was never good at cardio to begin with, but fuck.”

“Duglot and Loras are down in the ballroom,” Cupi explained. “There’s some sort of social dance going on in there right now, and they think surrounding themselves with innocent people is going to protect them. But they’re dead wrong.”

“Did they see you?” I questioned.

“No,” the blonde confirmed, “my incantation was performed far enough away that they were none the wiser. Their disguises are quite clever, as well. They’re pretending to be an elderly couple, probably telling everyone they’re out enjoying retirement or some bullshit excuse like that.”

“Ohhhhh,” Todd giggled gleefully. “I got to punch out Crazy Eyes’ toddler, and now I get to lay the smackdown on a pair of old fogeys?”

“I think you’re a little too excited about this, bro,” I chuckled.

“What can I say?” The disguised blond imp shrugged. “Becoming a demon has let me play out some really, rrreeaaalllly fucked up power fantasies I have. And the worst thing is, those aren’t even my worst. Did I ever tell you about--”

“We’re gonna leave it right there,” I silenced the imp with a wave of my hand. “Save it for Ira. I’m sure she’d love to hear all about it.”

“I’ve tried, bro,” Todd admitted. “She always stops me. Something about how they’re too hardcore even for her.”

I didn’t even want to think about the implication of Todd’s words, so I turned my attention back to the mission at hand.

“So, how do we isolate them?” I questioned. “They might not be able to hide behind innocent people forever, but they definitely had the right idea. We can’t just go in there guns blazing.”

“Could we pick them up with green Hellfire?” Libidine asked. “That would isolate them pretty damn quickly.”

“I like the idea,” I agreed, “but it would be next to impossible to get a clear shot at them in a crowd like that. I’m a pretty good marksman with my magic, but not that good.”

“What about Libdine’s concussive daggers?” Cupi suggested. “With the right placement, we could knock everybody in the room down onto their ass, run over to our targets, and take them out before they could retaliate.”

“Still too risky,” I sighed. “Even if everybody’s disoriented and on the ground, they’re all still clumped together. There could still be innocent people caught in the crossfire.”

“Why doesn’t Elvira just sneak up behind ‘em and then hit ‘em with the ‘ol death touch?” Todd proposed. “They’ll be knocked out quicker than a babe who accidentally steps in the way of my swinging hog of a schlong.”

“That’s not a bad idea,” I conceded to the imp. “Do they know what Invidia looks like?”

“Of course not,” Vidia chuckled. “I never leave my room, remember? It was that way even for all those years when Azazel was around.”

“Also,” Eligor spoke up, “the Demon Kings generally don’t pay much attention to each other’s succubi. Hell, I don’t think they even know their names outside of the select few who are Madames.”

“That may be our ticket then,” I agreed. “But won’t she stand out like a sore thumb in her bikini?”

“It’s a cruise, bro,” Todd argued, “there’s nothing in there but trucks, jorts, and slightly untucked button-ups galore. Nobody’s gonna pay any mind to a woman in a string bikini.”

I thought it over to see if there was any other way. It would have been a million times easier to go in there and fight them head-on, but that would have been beyond reckless. At the same time, I didn’t want to send a single Demon Lord in there to take on two opponents on her own.

Vidia must have understood what was going on in my brain, because she stepped forward and gave me a reassuring nod.

“I’ll be fine, Jacob,” she promised. “I’m a Demon Lord now. They’ll both be out before they even know what hit them.”

“Let’s hope so,” I finally agreed. “Shall we?”

The five of us gave each other looks of determination before we sauntered around the deck to the main entrance of the ballroom. We walked down the stairs gracefully in a line as we tried to look like the most badass motley crew around.

The ballroom looked pretty standard for a mid-tier cruise. There were two brilliant crystal chandeliers on the ceiling in the center of the room, and the rest of the place was illuminated by a series of smaller, less elegant fixtures that sat on the wall in six-foot intervals. There was a stage all the way at the other side of the room, where a frumpy, middle-aged woman stood at the microphone and belted out tunes from the eighties, all while people danced awkwardly on the floor in front of her. Around the perimeter of the dance floor was carpeted ground littered with small, two-person tables, leather couches, and the occasional cocktail table.

The entire place was packed. It was the perfect place for a Demon Lord to hide in plain sight. Unfortunately for them, we had spellmaster Cupi on our side.

“It’s those two,” the blonde succubus hissed as she pointed out onto the dance floor.

There, at the very center of the masses, was an elderly couple who were dancing happily to the rhythms of Whitney Houston. The old man was clad in a flamboyant yellow shirt dotted with flamingos, while his wife had on a pink Hawaiian shirt and a hot pink straw hat.

“Dude looks like a lady,” Todd whistled. “You sure that’s them?”

“That’s them, alright,” the Sister of Greed confirmed. “The Apocalypsis augurium doesn’t lie.”

“So, we’re really sitting up here watching two dudes dance?” the imp asked comically. “Gaaaaayyyyyy.”

“Alright, Vidia,” I nodded to the gothic succubus as we stepped off the last stair, “you ready?”

“It’ll be a piece of cake,” the succubus promised with a slight chuckle.

Invidia summoned the faintest flicker of silver Hellfire into her hands and then wandered off into the crowd.

We all watched with bated breath as she pushed through throngs of vacationers and drunken couples breaking it down on the dance floor. Finally, the Sister of Envy came up behind the elderly couple.

“I really hope that’s them,” Todd whispered. “Or else Elvira’s about to cut their retirement plans really, really short.”

I took a deep breath as I saw Vidia’s second hand light up with silver Hellfire.

The second she did so, the elderly couple stopped dancing, and their bodies went tense, almost as if they sensed her approaching.

I didn’t like this one bit.

“Cupi?” I asked urgently. “What’s going on?”

“I-I don’t know,” she admitted.

As the Sister of Envy reached up to grab the two disguised Demon Lords, they jumped forward so they were just out of her grasp. Then they whipped around, summoned red Hellfire into their hands, and tried to blast her at point-blank range.

Thankfully, I was too quick for them.

I tossed up a shield of purple Hellfire between the two parties, and their attack spread across my barrier as if it were covered in gasoline.

“They must have sensed her attack coming,” Cupi gasped.

“Did they just cast ‘detect magic?’” Todd pondered aloud. “I kept telling my DM it wasn’t a worthless spell!”

The entire ballroom went silent for a moment as the people tried to take in what they were seeing. Then they all began to run away in a screaming panic.

“So much for being subtle,” I sighed and made a motion with my enchanted violet hands.

I created three more large purple barriers around the elderly couple so they were trapped in a box. Next, I called on my passionate emotions to cast a layer or red flames on the inside of the cube, and then I began to shrink it around the couple.

The demon disguised as the old woman suddenly clapped her hands together, lit them up with a glow of lime green, and then watched as they began to transform.

The skin on each fist turned from a pale cream-color to a much darker, almost grayish shade. Likewise gone was the fleshy texture, replaced by a rigid, rocky material that looked like it was made out of pure stone.

The old woman hauled back, growled loudly, and then punched the side of the cube as hard as she could.

Even though I was all the way across the room, I felt the impact of the blow. The shockwave knocked me down on one knee, and it took everything I had to keep my barrier up. This wasn’t going to last forever, so we needed to make a move quickly.

“Plan B, guys!” I ordered the rest of my team. “When I give the order, hit ‘em hard.”

“But the innocents!” Liby protested.

“I’ll take care of them,” I reassured the Sister of Lust.

I deactivated the red Hellfire from my barriers, took a deep breath, and then changed their trajectory. Instead of closing in on the two targets, they moved outward and away, acting like the cow catcher of a train.

Only, instead of runaway cattle, I was gently pushing away the innocent civilians.

“Now!” I commanded as soon as there was a big enough gap between the humans and the two Demon Lords.

“This is gonna be fun!” Todd cackled. “But first … ”

The imp began to whistle the retro Wonder Woman theme song, and then he twirled around rapidly on his heels. As he twisted, his skin began to bubble like it was water being boiled, and then his limbs began to contract, and his hair began to disappear. When he finally stopped his momentum, he was back in his imp form, though he was still wearing the same ridiculous outfit.

“Whoa,” he muttered as he wobbled and tried not to fall, “I don’t know how she can fight crime all the time with this fucking vertigo. Maybe her tits give her better balance or something.”

The imp stumbled forward, surrounded his body with black Hellfire, and then sprang into action.

At the same time, Invidia sprang back up onto her feet and tossed her double-sided dagger like a boomerang. The Hellfire-enchanted weapon hurled across the dancefloor toward the two demon fuckers, but the old woman was quick to knock it away.

“Hey, Grandpa?” Todd mocked as he drew closer and summoned silver Hellfire into his hands. “Wanna get high?”

The imp threw out his arm to blast the demon with his disorientation spell, but the old man was too fast.

Todd’s body was lit up by a massive, lightning-bolt shaped beam of yellow Hellfire, and the room was filled with the loud sizzle of electricity. The imp shook violently and rapidly as his electrified body was tossed across the dance floor. He finally rolled to a stop at our feet, but the sparks were still dancing off him in all directions.

“W-Wonder Wooooomaannn,” he coughed weakly.

“Elemental and electric powers,” I confirmed to my friends as we watched Invidia dodge another bolt of electricity and then flip over the incoming fists of the old woman. “I think I’ve got an idea.”

“Couldn’t you have had an idea like, ten seconds ago, bro?” Todd grumbled as he stood up, brushed the dirt off his shoulder, and then looked sadly at his destroyed straw hat.

“Liby, I want you to use your powers to get everybody back into their quarters,” I ordered the Sister of Lust. “Once they’re down there safely, you can get back up here and join the fight.”

“If we haven’t dispatched them already by then,” Eligor mused somewhat cockily, and then she jumped into the fray.

“Gotta love Goldilocks,” Todd sighed before he dashed off to join her.

“We’ve gotta use their own powers against them,” I instructed the remaining succubi. “It looks like the old lady--”

“That’s Duglot,” Cupi explained. “He’s the one with the elemental magic, and Loras has always been known as the ‘electric lord.’”

“Right,” I thanked her, “Duglot’s stone hands were strong enough to nearly take down my violet Hellfire, but there’s one thing they won’t be able to withstand: their own force.”

“I’m already on it.” Cupi grinned and then summoned blue Hellfire into her hand. “One shattered limb, coming right up.”

“I’ll go save the passengers,” Liby spoke up as her eyes began to glow purple, and then she dashed off to the left.

Cupi and I gave each other one last glance before we ran off toward the fight.

Todd was zipping around Loras’ head, dodging violent strikes of lightning as he returned fire with a mix of red fireballs and silver sprays of mist.

Just a few feet away, Invidia was acrobatically dodging the hardened fists of Duglot. She cartwheeled over one of his blows, landed in a crouch, and stabbed him repeatedly with her dagger. However, it didn’t seem to be doing much damage. Her weapon was coming out dry, and the old woman didn’t even seem to have a reaction to the attack.

“Skin’s too thick,” I observed. “Cupi, you take the old hag, and I’ll get the fucking Electric Light Orchestra over here.”

“Got it.” Cupi nodded, and then we split apart in different directions.

As I got closer to Loras, I summoned red and yellow Hellfire into my hands, clapped them together, and then hurled a swarm of enchanted shuriken at the bastard.

Loras saw my attack too late, and he was only able to dodge a few of the projectiles. The rest stabbed into his left shoulder and caused him to let out a yelp of pain.

If he thought that was bad, wait till he saw what was happening next.

I closed my glowing fist, and the shuriken lodged in his body exploded like a handful of incendiary grenades.

Bloody chunks of the old man’s flesh and muscles flew from his body as the force of the attack caused him to spin around rapidly. Before his momentum was stopped, Todd flew down and hit him square in the face with his silver Hellfire.

Loras stumbled backward, reoriented himself, and then shook his head to try and shake off the spell. However, the imp’s Hellfire had worked. Loras’ eyes were completely bloodshot, and his motions were even slower than usual as he tried to figure out what was going on.

“Damn it,” Todd muttered. “I figured knocking him off balance would make him trip over his own saggy balls.”

Loras tried to let out a growl of anger, but all that came out was a sad, half-cocked grumble. He unleashed a bolt of lightning directly at Todd and me, but his aim was so terrible that he missed by a mile.

I threw up a shield of purple to protect the people Libidine was trying to evacuate, but it was quite clear this fucker wasn’t that much of a threat any longer.

It was time to go in for the kill.

“You take left, I take right?” Todd asked, and I confirmed with a nod.

The imp floated off to one side, and I ran to the other. As I ran, I called on my own green Hellfire, surrounded one of the nearby tables, and then launched it at Loras.

The piece of furniture struck the Demon Lord in the side of the head and forced him to stumble, but his reaction of surprise came a few seconds after the fact.

Whatever Todd sprayed him with must have been some good shit.

“Fuck, bro,” the imp whistled with satisfaction. “This dude must be a lightweight. I can spray that shit into my face full blast for like, a straight minute and not have any reaction.”

Before Loras could recover, I summoned silver Hellfire into my hands, pointed it over at a nearby chef’s cart, and liquified the entire thing. Ceramic plates shattered against the ground as the metal panel was ripped out from beneath them and turned into a giant, shapeless ball of liquid metal. I ordered the ball to return to my hand as I ran and then commanded it to turn into a simple sword.

Once I was only a few feet away from the demon fucker, I hauled back, took aim at his neck, and swung.

Seconds before the sharp edge of the sword could separate his head from his shoulders, there was a loud crack, and my blade flew from my hands. At the same time, I felt a sharp jolt of electricity course through my mitts.

“Yeeoww!” I gasped as I tried to shake away the feeling.

Loras raised his glowing yellow hands, took aim, and unleashed a bolt of electricity straight into my stomach.

Thankfully, I was a second faster than the bastard, and all he hit was a barrier of purple Hellfire.

The electric spell bounced off the shield and ricocheted back onto Loras, but his disoriented form did nothing but absorb the attack.

“So, it looks like metal weapons are out for this guy,” I growled as Todd floated back down beside me. “If only we’d brought along some rubber to insulate ourselves.”

“Hold up, bro,” Todd said as he stuck his finger in the air.

The imp nonchalantly dodged another blast of electricity as he pursed his lips, stuck out his tongue, and fumbled around in what I assumed was his pocket. After a second or two, his eyes lit up and he produced two small, foil-wrapped squares.

They were Magnum condoms.

“That’s--That’s not the kind of rubber we need,” I sighed, but the imp wasn’t listening.

“Sure it is, bro,” he explained as he jumped over another blast of electric Hellfire and then opened the condoms delicately. “I was saving these for that hot redhead out in Kansas, but I can always buy some more. I just hope the gas stations in Hell have ‘em in my size … ”

In one swift motion, the imp placed the first condom against the tip of his horn and unrolled it down until it covered the entire length of the appendage. Then he repeated the motion with the other so he had two well-protected horns. Todd clapped his hands together devilishly as he landed on the ground, stepped forward, and threw out his arms to the side in a dare.

Both of the condoms were absurdly large, and they hung off his horns like vines trapped in a deer’s antlers.

“Come at me, brotha!” he declared in a Hulk Hogan voice. “The Hulkster’s been takin’ his vitamins, and he’s invincible.”

“Todd, I’m not sure--”

Before I could respond, a blast of electricity struck Todd square in the chest and sent him flying backwards. His tiny imp body knocked over a few tables as he tumbled, but then he came to a crashing halt against the ship’s bar.

“Horns are still good, bro … ” he muttered weakly from behind my position.

That was it. I was done playing games with this guy.

Loras tried to attack me again, but in his baked-out state, his spell was easy to dodge.

I flipped over the bolt of electricity, threw down a platform below myself, and then landed on my hands and knees. I reached up toward the chandelier above his head, summoned silver flames, and began to liquify the metal that held it in place.

If I couldn’t stab this fucker, I could at least crush him to death.

I yanked the metal away from the light, and it seemed to be suspended in midair for a moment. Then, just as planned, the heavy, sharp shards of crystal came crashing down on Loras.

He glanced up for a moment before he even registered what was going on. His eyes were still squinty and his mouth was still agape, but then his expression quickly turned to one of horror. Loras went to jump out of the way of the chandelier, but it was far too late.

There was a sick, wet crunching sound as the oversized light fixture hit the demon and smashed his body into a mangled pulp. What seemed to be gallons and gallons of blackish-red demon blood poured out from beneath the heap of crystal, metal, and glass, and Loras’ hands were the only part of the demon that seemed to be visible.

The appendages both crackled with a few sparks of yellow Hellfire, and for a second, I thought the bastard had somehow survived. But then, the sparks disappeared, and his hands went limp.

With half of the threat dispelled, I turned around to see how my friends were doing against Duglot.

The demon bruiser looked like he hadn’t even taken a single blow. Gone completely was his old woman disguise, replaced with a horned body that was covered from head to toe in light green Hellfire and rocky skin.

Cupi, Eligor, and Invidia were more than enough to overwhelm the bastard, but he still wasn’t going down.

Eligor was striking Duglot vigorously with her twin swords. The blows from the weapons sparked as the sharp edges hit his rocky skin, but they didn’t penetrate.

Cupi and Vidia were both parrying his stone fists with their individual weapons, but the sporadic blows they got in seemed to be doing no damage, as well.

This guy was built like a fucking tank.

But even a tank wouldn’t be able to withstand my God Bomb.

The only problem was that we were in a tiny, enclosed space. Libidine had gotten most of the people out of here and to safety, but it wouldn’t really matter if half of the fucking boat was blown off. We’d sink instantly.

I needed to get Duglot in a large, open space, and fast.

“Hey asshole!” I called out to get the demon’s attention. “Wanna go for a ride?”

I spread out my hands toward two more nearby food carts and liquified them instantly. Then I commanded the metal to form together into a thick, heavy chain. Finally, I threw the makeshift weapon at Duglot, Ghost Rider style.

The demon threw up his arm to block the incoming chain, but it simply wrapped around his wrist instead. Before he could reach over to get it off, I commanded the metal to liquify and then fuse itself together.

Duglot wasn’t going anywhere. Unless I wanted him to.

I threw down purple Hellfire onto my feet just as the demon tried to yank me toward him. My spell held, but there was a sharp pain that shot through my spine as it lurched forward from the motion.

“Hey guys?” I called out to my succubi as I tried to hold my position. “Could I get a lift?”

They must have understood what I was going for, because Cupiditas quickly sprouted her wings and then swooped over behind me. I released the purple spell as she lifted us up into the air, but we didn’t get very far before the chain went taunt.

The action was enough to knock Duglot off balance, but he wasn’t budging.

Suddenly, Invidia joined the fray. She zipped up beside us, grabbed onto the chain, and heaved. Then Todd’s weakened figure landed next to her, and he pulled with all his might.

Duglot again was lifted off the ground, but only for a moment before he collapsed back down to the ground.

“Let me help with that!” Eligor called up from the ground as she flipped backward and sheathed her swords. “I hope you don’t mind getting wet. I know I don’t.”

The Knight of Hell called forth lime-green Hellfire into her hands and then closed her eyes. Her body floated weightlessly up into the air as the light on her hands became more and more intense by the second, and the boat began to rock violently.

“Uh, Goldilocks?” Todd gasped. “Please tell me you’re not doing what I think you’re doing.”

Eligor opened her eyes and then clapped her hands together. As she did so, the dozens of tiny windows on each side of the yacht shattered, and gallons upon gallons of seawater came crashing in. All of the streams met in front of the blonde knight before they mixed together and formed a giant, watery tendril.

Then she heaved her arms forward and sent the blast hurling at Duglot.

The waves caught him at his waist, knocked him off his legs, and then sent him blasting up into the sky.

All four of us released our grip on the chain as we watched him comically shoot through the roof of the ballroom like a fucking cartoon character.

“Get me up there, Cupi,” I commanded my Demon Lord. “And everyone else--”

“Yeah, yeah,” Todd muttered, “we know the drill. Go spirit bomb that bitch, Jakey.”

Cupi changed her trajectory and flew us out of the ballroom via the main door. The second we were outside, she zipped up into the sky and followed Eligor’s geyser.

The cool ocean air whipped against my face as we shot up into the clouds. Finally, we arrived at our destination, about two-thousand feet above the yacht below.

The rocky figure of Duglot was tossed and turned helplessly at the tip of the wave, and he was shouting every expletive he possibly could as he tried to right himself.

I summoned a platform of purple just below our position, and Cupi lowered me down onto it.

Then the succubus evacuated the scene quickly.

I hadn’t used the God Bomb since they had all been “leveled up” into Demon Lords, and I had no idea what kind of effects it was going to have.

Other than evaporating this son of a bitch, of course.

I closed my eyes as I tried to feel the energy of my friends. My body tingled with a dull, comforting warmth, and I could feel the energy begin to surge within me as their images flitted through my head.

“W-w-wait!” Duglot pleaded through mouthfuls of briny water. “I-I’ll pppledge my a-allegiance to--

“I don’t want your fucking allegiance,” I growled as I opened my eyes and saw I was completely surrounded by Divine Light. “I want you and your boss dead.”

Duglot tried to protest again, but I was done talking.

I let out a roar of determination as I pushed my hands forward and unloaded all of the Divine Light directly at the fucker.

He opened his mouth to scream, but his body was quickly overtaken by the pure-white energy and evaporated in an instant. When I finally released my attack, there was nothing left of Duglot.

I stared into the steam coming off the water tendril for a moment before I let out a deep sigh. Then I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, surrounded my entire body with its emerald glow, and used my power to lift myself back up into the air.

The first time I’d done this, all the way back in Las Vegas, it had taken every ounce of concentration I possessed to keep myself afloat. Now, it was like second nature. Even if I couldn’t fly like my succubi or Todd, I could at least glide in style.

It took me a few solid minutes to lower myself all the way back onto the deck of the yacht, but I didn’t mind. All around me was the beautiful ocean landscape, complete with crystal-clear blue water and a sky as clear as glass. As much as I loved being a Demon King, you didn’t get these sorts of gorgeous sights down there.

When I finally landed on the deck, Libidine was floating ominously above the crowd of passengers, her eyes aglow with purple Hellfire.

“There was a terrible accident down in the ballroom,” she explained to all of the people under her control. “We hit rocky waters, and the motions of the boat caused the chandelier to come loose, fall off, and crush one of the passengers. It also hit one of the boilers and caused an explosion that blew the roof off. There were no people with magical powers. There were no horned or winged demons, and there was no fight that occurred on this yacht. If you have any pictures or video of this accident, you are going to delete it immediately.”

“And, uh,” Todd spoke up, “you’re gonna let Todd Masterson eat all the shrimp in the buffet.”

Libidine tilted her head inquisitively, but then repeated the imp’s words.

“You will let Todd Masterson, the man who looks like Shaggy, eat all of the shrimp on the buffet,” she added with a sigh.

“Score!” Todd snickered as he pumped his fist and turned to me. “That shit’s totally out of season, bro. Firecracker’s gonna love me! Now, I just need to figure out how to carry it all back … ”

The imp rapped on his chin for a moment, and then inspiration seemed to strike. He reached up, yanked the condoms off his horns, and then fluffed them out like a plastic bag. Todd grinned widely as he slowly transformed back into his human disguise, and then he waddled over toward the buffet line excitedly.

“I don’t think Gula will want to serve shrimp covered in spermicide,” Cupi chuckled as she watched him go.

“Just a little extra flavor,” I joked. “We can use all the spermicide we can get in the Fourth Circle. Especially now that it looks like we might have a few more members joining the fray.”

“The interviews!” Cupi slapped her head as she remembered. “I almost forgot. How are they going?”

“We’ve narrowed it down to about fifty succubi,” I explained as we watched Libidine finish up her speech, “but we have to narrow it down even more. Superbia told me I only have enough, uh, ‘energy’ left over to create five more Demon Lords. At least for now.”

“I’d say it was energy well spent,” Cupi giggled as she slapped me playfully on the shoulder.

My pants tightened around my erection as I remembered the amazing night when I’d turned my succubi into Demon Lords. They all required my bodily fluids to finish the ceremony, and I made sure each and every one of them got it. Multiple times, in some cases.

Libidine floated down onto the deck, retracted her wings, and then walked over to the rest of us.

“There,” she announced. “The humans on this ship will be none the wiser. They’ll think there was a horrible accident, turn the boat around, and we will be back on land shortly.”

“That’s a shame,” I sighed, “I was kinda enjoying myself out here.”

“Us too,” Eligor agreed as she walked up and put her arm around my shoulder, “but don’t worry, Jacob. It took us a few hours to get all the way out here in the middle of the ocean. By my calculations, that means we still have a few more hours to enjoy ourselves before we dock.”

“I like the sound of that,” I chuckled and then nodded to a few empty lounge chairs at the edge of the yacht.

The girls and I walked over to the chairs, sat down on them, and then leaned back as we stared up into the sky. We sat there uninterrupted for a long while as the rest of the human passengers panicked and frantically tried to figure out what the fuck had just gone down. Then I heard the sound of somebody sloppily eating, and I opened up one eye to see what was going on.

Todd was chilling in the seat beside me, his legs crossed nonchalantly as he tossed a few shrimps into his human mouth. He had both condoms completely filled with the crustaceans, and one of them was tied up and slung over his back like a knapsack. The other one hung firmly in his left hand and appeared to be the source of his little snack.

“Want one?” he offered and held the condom out to me. “They’re realllly fucking good, bro. I gotta ask the chef what kinda sauce they use in these things.”

“I’m good,” I gagged and waved the imp away.

I didn’t even want to think about what kind of flavoring he was tasting.

I leaned back in the chair, closed my eyes, and tried to relax.

That had been more of a workout than I’d thought it would be. But it was totally worth it.

All of Beelzebub’s Demon Lords were dead, and the Lord of the Flies was gonna be next.

Chapter 3

The next morning came much too quickly.

In what felt like seconds, the captain turned the ship around, set a course back to the cruise line’s port, and then docked. After that, the succubi and I hopped back into our black Jeep Wrangler, Shadow, and made the cross-state trip back to Phoenix. As soon as we were at our mansion, we used the newly-installed Basis Porta, quite literally “the portal in the basement,” to interdimensionally travel back to the Fourth Circle of Hell.

Liby, Cupi, Vidia, and I all headed back to our room, while Eligor went to the guest quarters. Meanwhile, Todd dashed off to see if he could find Gula in the restaurant district to “show her his bounty.”

I was out like a light the second my head hit the pillow, but now I laid there, staring at the ceiling as my alarm clock went off. I yawned obnoxiously as I sat up in bed, slipped out from underneath the covers, and stretched. I heard a few bones pop satisfyingly in my body as I stood up, and then I sauntered over to the bathroom.

This was the first time I was meeting most of these new succubi, one-on-one, so I wanted to make sure I looked my best. I hopped in the shower, shaved the stubble off my face, and then brushed my teeth furiously as I thought about the day ahead.

I threw on a pair of combat pants and a basic undershirt before I walked over to the armory box right beside my closet. I popped it open and was greeted instantly with the pristine, beautiful suit of armor that I had made my own, right next to my greatest weapon, the Unhallowed Sword.

I probably wasn’t going to need any of this shit for succubi interviews, but you never knew. Demons were a finicky lot, usually obsessed with tradition and regalia and all that shit.

If I wanted to impress my potential new Demon Lords, I needed to look the part of a Demon King.

And the best way to do that was with the literal most powerful blade in all of Hell on my belt.

I strapped on my armor, sheathed my dark blade in its holster, and then clunked out into the hallway. As I walked up to the door of the War Room, I saw there was a line of naked succubi that stretched all the way down the hallway.

Each of the women had a yellow piece of paper on their stomach, with the words “contestant number” written above a handwritten numerical figure. I heard a few murmurs as I approached, mixed in with some squeals of glee and a few gasps of surprise.

“Hello, ladies,” I said with a wave as I opened up the door.

The squeals and screams of excitement increased as I passed through the threshold and slammed the door shut behind me.

“They love you, bro,” Todd exclaimed. “I knew they’d freak the fuck out when the beloved side character arrived.”

“Side character?” I joked, “I thought I was the star? Wait … what are you wearing, bro?”

The imp sat behind a small table, right next to Superbia. However, instead of his regular bare-chested look, he was decked out in a horrifically tight black turtleneck.

“It’s all part of the attire,” he retorted in an obnoxious British accent. “We’ve got a great line-up of contestants today, so let’s get a move on it now, shall we?”

I walked over to the opposite side of the table, sat down next to Superbia, and exchanged looks with her amusedly.

“Are you supposed to be Paula?” I asked the succubus jokingly.

“I’m not sure,” Sia shrugged, “Todd asked me to act ‘bubbly, like I was sloshed.’ Whatever that means.”

“Definitely Paula,” I chuckled.

“Now remember, Jakey,” the imp spoke up as he looked at me from the other side of the table, “you gotta end every sentence with a ‘dawg,’ alright?”

“That’s a no from me, dawg,” I shot back. “Send number one in.”

The door opened, and a tiny, naked woman with brown hair sauntered in. She had a certain spring in her step as she approached, but I could also tell she was a tad nervous by the way she was trembling. Her small breasts bounced with each step she took, and her thick pink nipples rose to attention as she took her place in front of the three of us.

“Helllloooo,” she said in a trembling voice with a perky “Cali-girl” accent. “My name is Deja, short for Deja Vu, and I’m coming at ya all the way from the Eighth Circle.”

“Eighth Circle?” I gasped and sat forward in my chair. “You’re from Beelzebub?”

The petite succubus joined her fingers together nervously and became nearly white-knuckled as she tried to keep it together.

“Yeppers!” she said with mock enthusiasm. “I’m so over that scene, though. As you and the rest of your friends have probably found out, Beelzebub’s a real downer. ‘Lord of the Flies?’ More like, ‘Lame of the Flies,’ ya know?”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at the awful pun, and that seemed to perk her up a little.

“So, Deja,” Todd’s British accent interjected, “quite a lovely story, but let’s get down to business. What are you going to be singing for us today?”

“Uh, sing?” the succubus asked nervously. “I can totally do that.”

“You don’t have to--” I began, but then Deja broke out into a beatbox with her mouth.

She began to rap along to the lyrics of Drop It Like It’s Hot, much to the surprise of everyone. While Sia and I stood there, shell-shocked, Todd hopped up on the table and began to do the dance associated with the song. Every now and again, he would throw in a little “woo” or “yeah” to hype her up, and before we knew it, the song was over.

“Brilliant!” the imp exclaimed. “Bloody brilliant! You’re on to the next round.”

“Really?” Deja gasped.

“Wait, waaaaiiiitt,” I tried to calm them both down.

“I’m sorry,” Todd retorted snobbily, “who are you again?”

“Fine,” I sighed, “hold up there, dawg.”

“That’s better.” The imp nodded.

“Your singing is great and all,” I continued, “but we want to know a little bit more about you. What are your powers? Why did you choose to come here, of all places?”

“I can answer those easily,” the succubus said as she puffed out her naked chest proudly. “First, I’m a time manipulator and an illusionist, but I have other powers, too. As for number two, I have a couple answers. I wanted to get away from Beelzebub because he’s like, a total drag. Also, because I heard you’re really awesome and turn your succubi into Demon Lords and all that. Not to mention, I hear the Unhallowed Sword isn’t the only weapon you’re packing, ya know?”

“All good answers.” I grinned as my eyes traveled up and down the brunette’s yummy little body.

“You say you can create illusions and manipulate time,” Superbia spoke up, “could you demonstrate?”

“Of course!” Deja giggled. “For starters, how long have I been in here?”

“Like, what, five minutes?” I questioned as I looked down at my watch.

I was wrong. According to the hands on my wristwatch, the succubus had been in here for nearly forty-five minutes.

“How did you--”

“Time manipulation powers,” she giggled. “Now, for the illusion … ”

The succubus cleared her throat, struck a pose, and then her body began to fade in and out rapidly like a game glitch. Then a second version of her form sprung loose from her body. Deja made a lap around the room, and her doppelganger copied her every action.

“Nice,” I noted, “but I’ve seen this before with one of my enemies. Do you lose power with every copy you make?”

“Nope!” she corrected. “That’s only for higher-level Angels and Demons. We succubi are the low women on the totem pole, so the natural laws of the universe don’t require us to split our power with our doubles. Or something like that.”

I looked back and forth between Sia and Todd, and all three of us exchanged satisfied nods of agreement.

“Alright, Deja,” I announced. “We’ll need to talk in private, but I can tell you right now that you’re one of the front-runners. We’ll let you know when we make a decision.”

Deja let out a squeal of glee and jumped up and down excitedly. Then she composed herself, let out a deep breath, and strutted out of the room.

“Not technically a lie,” Sia noted, “she is the only person we’ve interviewed, so she is the front runner.”

“I really like her powers, though,” I explained. “How useful would that be in battle?”

“You like something alright,” British Todd giggled. “We still have forty-nine contestants to go, Randy. Try not to think too much with your second head.”

“I’ll try not to, ‘dawg,’” I chuckled back to the imp, “but it’s gonna be really hard to do. Succubi are, by nature, some of the most beautiful creatures in the universe. That’s why it’s such a fucking shame most Demon Kings treat them like dog shit.”

“And that’s exactly why they make perfect Demon Lords,” Sia added. “Unlike so many of the backstabbers who exist in Hell, they’ll remain loyal to those who show them compassion and treat them as their equals. If all goes well, you’ll soon have an army of Demon Lords and succubi who will never, ever question their allegiance to you.”

“That’s what I like to hear.” I grinned and leaned back in the chair. “It’s a shame I can’t just turn them all.”

“Bro,” Todd broke his facade for a moment, “I don’t think there’s enough fluid in the human body to do that. I tell you this from years of experience.”

“Thank you for the concern,” I retorted, “but I think--”

“My best record is thirty,” he continued, “and that was just me wanking it to the ‘most watched’ section on Porntube.com. If you try to do that with fifty women? Bro, I’d worry for your safety.”

“He’s … not wrong,” Sia confirmed as she scrunched up her nose in disgust. “It’s dangerous to try and convert too many Demon Lords at once. You honestly probably stretched it a bit too far when you converted us, but nobody in their right mind was going to stop you.”

“I know, I know,” I sighed, “but it’s a pleasant thought, that’s all. Send the next one in!”

In the next hour, we sat through another fifteen interviews. The women were all sexy as fuck, and they all seemed like they would make a great addition to my army, but they weren’t really “Demon Lord Material.” Many of them had the same powers as succubi who’d already been converted, and a lot of them had limited combat experience.

That, and Todd absolutely hated their voices. I swear I heard “next,” “that was atrocious,” and “somebody shoot me” more than Simon had ever said it in his whole life.

Finally, after contestant number sixteen, Todd shook his head.

“Alright,” he sighed, “this ain’t working. Let’s try another method.”

The black turtleneck on the imp’s body began to bubble and transform. Its color turned to a dark gray, and a bowtie appeared on his neck. Meanwhile, the hair atop his head parted so he had the traditional “horseshoe” shape.

“What is he doing now?” Sia questioned.

“I believe it’s Dancing with the Stars,” I whispered back.

“Bruno, Carrie Ann,” he said in a different British accent. “Let’s bring in the next group.”

This time, a group of six succubi came in. Before they could even introduce themselves, Todd stood up on the table and ordered them to partner up and do the Salsa Dance.

I almost protested the command, but when I saw the multiple naked women start to press their bodies up against each other, I stopped myself.

They all danced together, confused yet compliant, until the song Todd was belting out came to an end. Then the imp sat back down, reached under the table, and came back up with signs labeled “one” to “ten.”

“Where did he get those?” Sia hissed.

“I find it best not to ask questions when it comes to Todd,” I chuckled.

The imp went down the line, judging the pairs of succubi two-by-two. The first two pairs got a measly “six,” and but then Todd gave the last pairing a perfect “ten.”

“That was brilliant!” the imp exclaimed in an over-excited tone. “The steps, the chemistry, all of it. What do you think, guys?”

“Uh, you all did good.” I nodded to the three pairs as they tried to catch their breath.

“You two,” Sia demanded as she pointed to the “ten” pairing, “stay. Everybody else, we need to deliberate.”

Four of the succubi walked out with disappointment on their faces, but the remaining two looked hopeful as they held each other in anticipation.

“Could you tell us a little about yourselves?” I questioned.

The first succubus stepped forward. She was a busty woman with tattoos all over her body and dark, black hair on her head.

“My name is Eclipse,” she explained in a somewhat deep-yet-seductive voice. “I’ve come to you today from the Third Circle. And yes, my demeanor and powers both match the cold, dark abyss that is Belphegor’s domain.”

“Ehhhhh,” Todd protested, “we’ve already got a big-tiddy goth girlfriend on the team. What separates you from her?”

“One,” Eclipse protested, “I’m not goth. Or emo. I just like to show off my dark side when I can and express myself with tattoos.”

“Ah,” the imp nodded, “so you’re more of the ‘tit ‘n ‘tat type of babe. Got it.”

“Also,” the dark-haired woman explained, “I’ve yet to find another succubus with my power set. Observe.”

Eclipse stepped forward, summoned black Hellfire into her hands, and then aimed them at Todd. Seconds later, Todd’s eyes began to glow with the same dark spell, and he looked around frantically.

“Who turned out the lights, bro?” he gasped. “Are we under attack again? It feels like we’re getting invaded every other fucking week around here.”

Eclipse snapped her fingers, and the Hellfire disappeared.

“So, you can blind people?” I asked curiously.

“Kinda,” she shrugged, “I can remove the light from anything I attack. So, for example, I just temporarily pulled all the light from your friend’s retinas so he couldn’t see. However, I can do the same thing for any light source.”

The dark-haired succubus snapped her fingers again, and all of the lights in the War Room disappeared in an instant.

“Wow,” I whistled. “That could really help our stealth game.”

“I have powers too, ya know,” the other succubus spoke up. “Check it out!”

Before any of us could say another word, the room lit up with a brilliant burst of yellow as electricity crackled in all directions.

Eclipse must have released her spell, because the lights flipped back on in a flash, and we were staring at both of the beautiful women in front of us.

I could tell the second woman in the room was spunky as hell, just from her tone of voice and posture.

She stood wide open for all of us to see, with her legs spread and her hands on her hips proudly. Her pert, perky breasts were covered with large, pale nipples that nearly matched her skin tone, and her face was contorted into a look of cattiness.

Most strikingly, however, was her hair. The succubus’ locks were as yellow as the lightning bolt she had just produced.

“Name’s Inpulsa,” she boasted. “I don’t know if you speak Latin, but it means--”

“Shock,” I finished. “Very impressive.”

“Sooooooo,” Todd returned to his British accent, “what do you give them?”

“Ten!” I exclaimed happily. “I give both of you a perfect ten, and I can’t wait to see you back. What about you, Sia?”

“I suppose if I had to assign them a numerical value … ” the redheaded madame trailed off, “I’d say a ten, as well.”

Inpulsa and Eclipse both hugged and jumped up and down with excitement before they walked out of the room hand-in-hand.

“I think you’re gonna have your hands full with those two, Jakey,” Todd observed.

As I watched both of their tight, toned asses walk through the door, I knew the imp was right.

We brought in three more rounds of six, but none of them seemed to impress.

Then came Mirage.

I let out an audible gasp as the short-haired brunette stepped into the room, unprompted.

“What are you doing here?” I questioned. “D-Does Asmodeus know?”

“Of course he does.” The succubus grinned. “I asked him if I could switch alliances, and he told me that he really didn’t give a damn. The King of the First Circle is only into humans, remember?”

“But he was totally okay with you just, leaving him like that?” I continued, completely flabbergasted.

Mirage just shrugged.

“You two are still allied, no?” she questioned rhetorically. “As long as that’s the case, he couldn’t care less.”

“That’s great!” I exclaimed with an awkward laugh. “You’re on to the next round.”

“You don’t want me to sing a song or do a dance or anything like that?” the succubus asked. “Not even a formal interview?”

“I know you, Mirage,” I reassured her. “I know how much of a valuable asset you’d be, and it’d be a great honor to have you on my team.”

“In other words,” Todd added, “Jakey’s been all up in your guts once, and it was so amazing that he wants to have a chance at throttlin’ the ‘ol clam at will.”

“That’s not what I meant at all,” I protested, but Mirage was already giggling.

“It’s alright,” she shrugged, “he can ‘throttle my clam’ whenever and wherever he wants. But for now, I know you’ve got more interviews to do. Call me.”

The brunette smiled, and then she disappeared into a puff of green smoke.

“Wait … ” Sia questioned. “Was she projecting herself all the way from the First Circle? And interacting with physical objects while she did so?”

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” I speculated, “like I said, her powers are amazing.”

“Fuck, bro,” Todd mused. “We only got nine left. I would have liked an even ten, but nine will work for what’s coming next.”

“Do I even want to--”

Todd snapped his fingers, and suddenly a large group of Shades hurried out into the War Room, each one pushing a cart. Some of the carts contained hot plates, mixers, and other various kitchen utensils. Others had large containers full of basic ingredients such as flour, onions, and tomatoes.

I did a gagging double take when I saw a container full of shrimp. I didn’t even want to ask if those were the same ones from yesterday.

“Let me guess,” Sia pondered as she rubbed her temples, “a cooking competition?”

“Fuck yeah!” Todd cackled as his suit turned into a chef’s coat. “We’re about to Masterchef this bitch. But we’re totally doing the American version.”

“Let me guess,” I chuckled as a Shade placed a chef’s coat over my shoulders, “you’re gonna be the angry British dude?”

“You’re goddamn bloody right I am!” Todd shouted. “I have to make sure these wankers don’t send out the chicken still fucking clucking!”

The imp in the chef’s coat stood atop the table as the final nine succubi entered the room.

“Alright,” he announced, “listen up, all of you newbies. Today, your task is to create the greatest fucking dish you possibly can, given the ingredients before you. You all have thirty minutes, and the three of us will be coming around to check on you as you go. The winner is going to get a spot in the final round of interviews for becoming Jacob Ralston’s newest Demon Lords. Ready? Begin!”

The succubi all looked at each other with confusion stretched across their faces.

“Did I say tomorrow, ladies?” Todd barked. “Let’s get to cooking!”

The girls stared at the imp in shock, but then they began to run around and tie aprons around their naked bodies.

“Uh, Todd?” I questioned. “Are we really gonna have to eat this stuff? Having a bunch of naked women cooking your food is hot and all, but isn’t it a little unsanitary?”

“I count at least seven health code violations, just from what I’m seeing,” Superbia shuddered.

“Don’t be dense,” the imp shot back. “It’s all for good show. Now, let’s get out there and prod ‘em on, shall we?”

I walked around to the first few succubi and observed them carefully. However, instead of trying to test out their food or give them pointers on their technique, I interviewed them as traditionally as I possibly could.

“So, you can talk to plants?” I questioned one of the women with green hair as she prepared a piece of steak in a cast-iron skillet.

“Sure do.” She grinned happily. “You wouldn’t believe the kind of things that they--”

“It’s fucking raw!” Todd screamed as he knocked a plate out of one of the succubi’s hands.

“It’s … it’s a salad,” the woman protested, but the imp was already moving on to his next target.

“Right,” I chuckled and then turned back to the succubus I was talking to. “So, what kind of advantage could that give me in battle?”

“I’m not sure,” she admitted, “but it’s really neat, isn’t it?”

I half-heartedly agreed with the woman before I moved on to the next one.

As I approached the apron-clad succubus, I felt my heart flutter away in my chest.

The succubus was humming a happy tune as she stirred away at a bowl of dough. She had one naked foot raised happily in the air, and her wild, red hair cascaded down behind her head like a shawl. The woman’s eyes were large and dark, with a pair of crisp, thin eyebrows above them. Her cheekbones looked like they had been chiseled out of marble, as did her feminine nose and thick, red lips.

The apron she was wearing clung to her busty chest like a wet blanket, and her curvy little ass popped out from behind the fabric almost as if it were taunting me.

Holy fuck. Damn the interviews, I wanted to seal the deal with this woman right there on the spot.

“Whatcha making there?” I asked as I tried to initiate conversation with the beautiful woman.

“Just some churros,” the redhead explained as she kneaded the dough vigorously.

She took a handful of the dough out of the dish, rolled it between her fingers, and then shaped them into long logs. As her delicate hands moved around the long, thick churros, I couldn’t help but imagine this woman’s hands wrapped around my cock.

The succubus must have noticed my gawking, because she stopped what she was doing and gave me a sideways glance.

“Oh, I, uh--churros, huh?” I tried to catch myself. “I love Italian food.”

The redhead raised an eyebrow at me and chuckled.

“You’re just as funny as I’ve heard,” she giggled. “So much better than the other Demon Kings. They’ve all got their head so far up their asses that they could taste their own tongues.”

“Ohhhh, you’ve got attitude,” I shot back. “I like it. Where are you from?”

“My name is Eve,” she explained, “I’m from the--”

“What the fuck is this?” Todd shouted from across the “kitchen.” “This looks like my grandma’s diaper after a bad bout of the flu!”

“Is your friend always this … animated?” Eve asked as she made an exaggerated face.

“He’s hamming it up for the interview,” I explained. “He’s always animated and mischievous, but he’s normally not this angry. That’s just his Ramsey impression talking.”

“How’s it going over here?” Sia asked as she walked over to where we were standing. “Have you made it around to all the succubi yet?”

“Sia, this is Eve,” I introduced the two redheads to each other.

“Eve?” Superbia questioned coyly as she shook the succubus’ hand. “Whoever named you must have had a devilish sense of humor.”

“I come from the Seventh Circle,” Eve shrugged, “so yeah, you kinda need a messed-up sense of humor just to survive out there.”

“You’re betraying Abaddon?” I gulped. “Aren’t you, like, afraid of what he’ll do to you if he finds out?”

“My former master has other fish to fry,” the redhead explained. “He’s currently fighting a war on two fronts, between Gressil in the Sixth Circle and Beelzebub in the Eighth. I doubt he’s even realized I’m gone.”

“I don’t see how anyone could overlook you,” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

Eve looked at me with a wicked smile on her face, almost as if she had caught me in a word trap.

One thing was for sure, this woman was used to being complimented, and she soaked up every second of it.

“So, the Seventh Circle is in an all-out war?” Sia questioned. “I knew Abbadon was pushing back against Beelzebub and his forces, but I wasn’t aware the situation had become that dire.”

“It’s bad,” Eve noted. “That’s why I got out of there while I could. Abbadon might be psycho, but at least he’s unpredictable. There’s a chance he might treat you well if he likes you. Meanwhile, Beelzebub is, well, predictable crazy. I know what he’d do to me if he took over, and I don’t want that at all.”

“So, that’s why you came to me?” I asked in a flirty tone. “You wanted the new, badass King of the Fourth Circle to protect you? And treat you right and make you a Demon Lord?”

“Perhaps,” Eve giggled. “We’ll have to see how good my food is, won’t we?”

“That’s not the only thing I want to know the quality of,” I added.

“Oh?” The redhead smiled flirtatiously, and a rush of embarrassment rushed over my face as I realized what that sounded like.

“Well, yeah,” I tried to catch myself, “your powers.”

“Of course,” Eve shot back, but her tone of voice said she was thinking otherwise. “Do you have anything with a life force that you don’t particularly care for?”

“That’s an oddly specific question to ask,” Sia answered skeptically.

“What do you mean by ‘life force?’” I tried to wrap my brain around what she was asking. “Anything that’s alive?”

“Precisely,” Eve continued, “a plant, an animal, anything that is living.”

“Would a Shade work?” I said as I motioned for one of the workers to come over. “They were all technically alive once.”

“Close enough.” The redhead shrugged. “Now, if you don’t mind…”

Without warning, Eve grabbed the Shade’s right hand and slammed it down as hard as she could onto the flames on her stove. He let out a shriek of pain as his flesh was burned from his bones, but the sounds quickly subsided. The Shade stood there in awe as he looked down on his hand, which was now aglow in silver Hellfire.

Eve released her grip on the man, and he whipped his hand away and inspected it in a panic.

There were no burns.

“See?” she giggled. “The cells inside of his hand were being killed, burned away by a deadly flame. Yet, I brought them back from the brink, and he’s as good as new.”

“So, you heal?” Sia continued to try and pin the powers down.

“No, my friend,” Eve corrected, “I manipulate life. At least, partially. I couldn’t bring somebody back from the dead or anything like that, but I could use my powers to regenerate cells or re-start a stopped heart. Also, I can wilt and resuscitate flora at will.”

“That’s pretty fucking cool,” I whistled, but then Superbia tapped me on the shoulder and nodded to the other nearby succubi.

As much as I wanted to stay there and keep talking to the beautiful woman, I needed to at least give the rest of the succubi a shot. So, I bade farewell to Eve and continued on with Sia.

“What do you think of that one?” Superbia asked as soon as we were outside of Eve’s earshot. “Personally, I like her attitude, but I must admit I’m on the fence about her powers.”

“What’s not to love?” I questioned. “She can fucking bring people back from the brink of death. It’d be like having a second healer in the group, and lord knows we can use as many of those as possible. Also, imagine that we were going up against somebody with elemental ground magic. She could kill any of their entangling vines without so much as blinking an eye.”

“You’re using ‘destroying vines’ as an argument?” Sia chuckled. “You must really like her.”

“It’s a valid point, and you know it,” I retorted.

We went around to the rest of the succubi and mulled over their creations as we interviewed them. Most of their food looked delicious, but I refused to try any of it, especially the dishes that used shrimp. Finally, when all was said and done, Sia and I walked back up to the front of the room and stood patiently with our hands behind our backs.

Todd finished up by telling one of the succubi that her dish was “zippity-doo-dah-dog crap” before he sauntered up and joined us.

“Alright, everyone,” the Toddster called everyone to attention, “time is up. Show us what you got.”

Each one of the nine girls walked up, placed their plates on the table in front of us, and then stood behind them with concern on their faces.

Much to my dismay, Todd went around and tried each and every single dish. They must have not been as bad as he initially thought, because he made sure to savor each bite. When he got to Eve’s churros, he devoured the entire thing with a single gulp, smacked his lips happily, and patted his stomach.

“Now this right here,” he exclaimed in a Ramsey voice, “this right here is the best fucking dish I’ve had in weeks. A plus to this woman!”

The rest of the group clapped, and Eve took in the adoration of the crowd as if it were second nature. Finally, Todd stuck up his hand, and everyone went silent.

He finished testing the rest of the dishes before he floated back over to us, landed on the table, and grinned ear to ear.

“What do you think, Master Chef?” I chuckled.

“First off,” Todd started in his real voice as he faced the succubi, “I just wanna say I am so, sooooo sorry for being a dick. Like, I totally just wanted to make this an authentic experience with the whole ‘insult you till you cry’ thing, but now I feel like total shit. In fact, each and every thing that went into my mouth was fucking incredible, and I’d give you all a gold star if I could. That’s why I’m gonna defer to my partners in crime here. What do you think, Strawberry Shortcake?”

“It’s a toss-up,” Sia admitted, “but I think we’re going to go with the tried but true churro. Congratulations, Eve.”

The group applauded once again, and the redhead gave us a little bow. She popped back up in an extremely happy mood and then ran up to shake all of our hands while the rest of the group filed out.

“So, does this mean I have the job?” she questioned excitedly.

“Not yet,” I explained, “but it does mean you’re on to the final round.”

“Which is … ?” Eve pleaded as she batted her dark eyes at me.

“We’re going to discuss it as soon as we have a moment,” Sia confirmed. “We will let you know as soon as we know.”

The redheaded succubus stepped back, removed her apron, and then playfully tossed it to the side. I only caught a glimpse of her full glory before she whipped around and pranced back off into the hallway.

“So, we’ve got it down to five,” I announced as soon as the door swung shut. “Deja, Eclipse, Inpulsa, Mirage, and Eve.”

“That sounds like quite the team,” Sia admitted. “I wouldn’t be surprised if all five of them make it through the final round.”

“Sounds like a punk rock girl band to me,” Todd snickered, “I love it. But what are you gonna have ‘em do, bro?”

“Something that involves team-building.” I shrugged. “If they want to hang around with us, they need to realize we function as one large, well-oiled machine. We fight together, we die together, we eat together, we sleep together. There’s no ‘I’ in team.”

“But there is a ‘me,’ Jakey … ” Todd observed as he rapped on his goatee’d chin.

He had me there.

“Either way,” I continued as if I hadn’t heard the imp, “we need an exercise that has real stakes, but nothing that’s too difficult.”

“So, sending ‘em after Beelzebub is out of the question,” Todd confirmed sarcastically. “But we also don’t want the Dream Team fighting unkillable Shades in the coliseum.”

“Unfortunately, in a place like Hell, there aren’t a ton of healthy mediums,” Sia muttered. “It’s too hierarchical. Everything is either extremely weak or extremely powerful.”

Then it hit me. Vargrats.

“What if I took them on a mission to the Hunter’s Plains?” I asked aloud. “That would actually tell us a lot about the newbies. It’s pitch black out there, and it is infested with Vargrats. They aren’t much of a danger to us, but they’re still not something you want to fuck around with.”

“That sounds like it would be a most excellent training exercise.” Superbia nodded. “Sister Gula would be happy, too. She hasn’t been able to make a good Vargrat stew in months.”

“It’s settled, then,” I replied and pulled off my chef’s coat. “Todd, I want you to call those five succubi back in and tell them the great news.”

“I’ll give it a few hours,” the imp declared. “Make ‘em wait a little bit before I break the excellent news and leave them all wanting more.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I agreed and headed for the door. “Great work, guys. And Sia?”

The redheaded madame perked up when I said her name.

“Yes, Jacob?” she asked hopefully.

“Follow me,” I ordered. “There are some urgent matters I want to attend to in my chambers.”

Chapter 4

“Urgent matters?” Superbia couldn’t help but giggle as we made our way through the hallways of the castle. “These ‘urgent matters’ wouldn’t happen to involve your libido, would they?”

“That depends,” I retorted with a quirked eyebrow. “Being around all those hot, naked women for the last two hours has got me all excited. Now, I can totally find one of the other girls to help out if you’d like, but I figured since you were right here … ”

“And since you seem to have redheads on the mind,” Sia observed as she walked in front of me, grabbed my hand, and began to lead me.

“A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman,” I joked, “I saw you looking at her, too.”

“Perhaps when she becomes your new Demon Lord, we can invite her up to our chambers with us?” the madame purred, and my cock grew hard in my pants.

“Don’t get me started yet,” I bemoaned. “It’s hard to walk with this thing.”

Sia and I were now almost running toward the bedroom, and we couldn’t get there fast enough. The second we threw open the door, we were on each other like two teenagers in a dark movie theater.

The madame’s soft, thin lips pressed firmly against my own as her tongue slid into my mouth, and we made out passionately as we closed the door behind us. Without moving my lips away from hers, I reached down, grabbed Sia on the back of her thighs, and lifted her up into the air.

She let out a gasp of surprise as she was lifted, but then I felt her heart begin to hammer through her shirt with anticipation.

I walked us over to the bed, tossed her down onto it aggressively, and then began to fumble with my armor. It was normally a somewhat convoluted process, but I made sure it was off in a matter of minutes.

Meanwhile, Superbia was getting the party started. The redheaded madame reached down with her right hand, slid it up the bottom of her dress, and then began to finger herself deeply. She let out a deep moan as I pulled my undershirt over my head, and the sound made my erection grow so big I thought it was going to tear through my pants hulk-style.

Fuck it. I wasn’t going to let Sia have all the fun by herself.

I fell down onto my knees, grabbed Superbia’s legs, and yanked her over in front of my face. As I pulled up the succubus’ dress, I could see she was already sopping wet.

She was about to get wetter.

I gripped the petite woman’s outer thighs tightly and then buried my face into her pussy. She tasted as sweet as fresh lilacs, and my tongue needed little guidance to find her pleasure points. First, I teased her a bit by kissing and licking everywhere but the spot she wanted me to lick.

“You--You’re killing me,” Sia groaned jokingly as she firmly gripped the back of my head and pushed it in harder.

Once the succubus was nice and turned on, I went in for the kill. I licked her clitoris as softly and tenderly as I possibly could, and she moaned softly in response. Then I began to suck on it like it was one of her nipples.

This time, her response was much, much more intense.

I could feel Sia’s legs tensing up as I went to town on her pussy with my tongue. Her moans became more frequent and hurried, and then they grew closer and closer together. Finally, she tugged violently on my hair as her thighs tightened around my head.

“Oh, my god!” she groaned passionately as her lips quivered against my mouth and what felt like a gallon of wetness sloshed out of her pussy.

Finally, once I knew she was done, I pulled back, looked up at her, and smiled.

“Feels weird to be on the other side of that, doesn’t it?” I shot up playfully.

“It felt … amazing,” Sia gasped as she tried to regain her composure. “Simply fucking amazing. But now it’s your turn.”

Sia’s legs were still shaking as she crab-walked backward, rolled over onto her knees, and then flipped over off the bed. She crawled over to where I was positioned before she motioned for me to stand up.

I wasn’t going to argue.

Before I was even completely upright, Sia had her hands around my waistline. She gave my pants a good hard tug, and they fell down to reveal the massive hard-on that was waiting for her.

Sia bit her lip as she stared down my cock and helped me get my pants out from around my ankles. Then she reached one slender hand up, placed it firmly around the base of my dick, and began to stroke aggressively. At the same time, she forced her delicate tongue out of her mouth and ran it along the parts of my erection that she wasn’t pleasing with her hand.

I leaned my head back in the air and moaned to let her know she was doing a great job, and then I placed my right hand tenderly on the back of her strawberry locks.

Sia continued to lick and stroke my cock for a solid minute before she moved on to another position. The redhead slapped one hand against my tightening balls, another onto my bare ass, and then pushed me from behind. She didn’t break eye contact once as the entirety of my erection slowly slid into her mouth, but she did make a slight gagging sound when my cock hit the back of her throat.

Superbia pulled herself off, smiled, and then repeated the action.

This time, I couldn’t watch. I knew if I watched the beautiful, petite woman taking my entire cock as she stared up at me with those big, purple eyes, I was going to fucking explode.

Instead, I let my eyes roll back into my head as euphoria overtook my body.

Sia deepthroated my cock five more fucking times, and I could tell I was headed toward the edge. Then she pulled completely off my erection, opened her mouth, and placed the tip of my erect cock against her tongue. She used one hand to stroke gently while she used the other one to play with my balls, and it was time to unleash.

I felt my knees nearly buckle as my dick pulsed and sent my sperm into Sia’s mouth with the intensity of a goddamn firehose.

The succubus didn’t seem to care. In fact, her smile looked like it was the size of Texas as she took all of my warm cum in her mouth. Then Sia closed her mouth, swallowed, and winked at me coyly.

That was when my knees gave out, and I fell backward onto the bed.

Sia climbed up on top of me, straddled my half-hard dick, and then lowered herself down so her lips were touching the tip of my penis.

“Ready for round two?” she giggled as she pulled her dress over her head.

Superbia’s breasts were fairly small, perfect for her petite frame, but they were still sexy as fuck. Each one had a perfectly plump red nipple that stood erect, begging to be sucked. Her tummy was flat and toned, and her hips were just wide enough to give her a miniature hourglass figure.

I could already feel the blood rushing back into my cock, but Sia wanted to speed up the process.

She was still ridiculously wet, so she began to glide the lips of her pussy back and forth over my dick in a forward and back motion. Her labia were warm, wet, and tight against my growing erection, and within seconds I was back to full mast.

“That’s more like it,” I growled as I threw my hands on Sia’s hips.

“Ohhh, yesss.” She let out a gasp as I positioned her pussy above my cock and slid inside of her as deep as I could go. Sia’s eyes fluttered in her skull as she took in the entirety of my dick, and her warm tunnel put me in a death grip.

Then, before she could make any sort of motion, I lifted her up slightly into the air and started to attack her from below.

Her whole body jiggled as I pounded her harshly, and she made a face as if she had forgotten how to breathe. Sia threw her head back in ecstasy before she started to gyrate her hips in time with my thrusts.

Soon, the two of us were grinding to the rhythms of each other’s passion. We continued with this position for a while before I got an even better idea.

I stopped, pulled Sia off me, and then pushed her over so she was lying next to me on her stomach.

She went to get up on her hands and knees, but I wanted to try something different.

“Keep your face down,” I ordered as I gave her back a gentle push.

“Yes, Jacob.” Sia buried her face in a nearby pillow as I got into position behind her small, sexy ass.

I grabbed her around the waist and then shoved my rock-hard cock into her pussy.

“Ohh, my king,” she groaned loudly as I entered her, but the pillow muffled the sound and made it little more than a soft exclamation of pleasure. Her fit, tiny ass bounced happily with each thrust I made, and I swore I felt her pussy growing tighter by the thrust.

From this angled position, I felt like I could go even deeper than normal, so I pushed into Sia as far as I could go. My tightened balls pressed up against the bottom of her pelvis, and I felt the tip of my cock touch her cervix.

I’d fucking bottomed out inside of her.

I pulled out and pushed back in as slow as I possibly could, much to Sia’s excitement.

Both of us were moaning in unison by the ninth or tenth pass through, and I knew we were both on the verge of cumming once more.

“I-I want to look at you,” Sia begged as she turned her head back to see me. “I want to see your face when I--oh fuck. Oh fuck.”

I sensed Superbia was standing on her tiptoes at the side of the cliff, so I quickly pulled myself out of her. Then I moved over so my legs were hanging off the side of the bed and patted for her to come and join me.

A whimper came out of Sia’s mouth as she rolled off the bed, sauntered over to where I was sitting, and then straddled my dick. Finally, she lowered herself down onto my cock cautiously.

I kissed the madame’s neck tenderly as she started to ride, and then I felt her walls tighten around me as tight as a fucking snare.

Sia threw her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist, and then she started to bounce up and down like she was trying to pop a balloon with her ass.

Our moans mixed together in the bedroom to form a chorus of ecstasy, but it didn’t last for very long.

Sia pulled back and looked me deep in the eyes, and that was when we both hit our limit. The succubus arched her back as she let out a deep, almost primal sound, and her pussy quivered on my cock. She orgasmed intensely, and the sound of her bliss caused me to blow.

I forced Sia all the way down onto my pelvis as I unloaded my warm love inside of her.

The petite succubus collapsed into me, and we both fell backwards onto the bed as we laid there and basked in each other’s glow.

“I needed that,” Sia panted. “We’ve had a long day.”

“Long day?” I joked, “we’ve had a long freaking year. Just think about it … A year ago, we were still just roaming around up on Earth, slaying demons and spending money like it was going out of style. Now? We’re both fucking royalty.”

“Go back even further,” Sia suggested. “As little as three years ago, we didn’t even know of each other’s existence. Hell, I bet you didn’t even know demons were real!”

“I didn’t,” I admitted. “Everything I’d heard about the subject had either come from Sunday mass or Todd’s stoned-out ramblings. Both of which were probably just as accurate.”

“Stooopppp,” Sia giggled as she slapped my bare chest with vigor. “You better not let the Exalted One hear you say that.”

“What’s he gonna do?” I joked, probably a bit more darkly than I should. “His presence isn’t allowed down here. My father would never allow it.”

“I don’t know,” Superbia continued. “If Heaven ever were to win the Eternal War, somebody would have to take over Lucifer’s domain.”

“I feel sorry for the sucker who gets stuck with that,” I laughed. “Torturing people for all eternity isn’t exactly a job most people would want on their resume. In fact, I don’t know how daddy dearest does it. He’s gotta be the most hated man in the universe.”

“I’m not,” a silver-tongued voice mused from my right. “That would be the inventor of one-ply toilet paper.”

I shot straight up in bed and whipped my head around to see where the voice had come from, but I saw nothing.

“What is it, Jacob?” Sia gasped. “What’s wrong?”

“D-Did you just hear somebody talking?” I questioned. “It sounded like it was coming from right over--”

That’s when I saw him. There, standing in the door of my walk-in closet, was a clean-cut man with slicked-back black hair. On his body he wore a three-piece suit that was red and appeared to be as soft as velvet.

It was Lucifer, my father.

The Devil had a smug look on his face, and he gave me a thumbs-up as he slunk backward into my closet.

I leapt up to my feet, still naked, and summoned red Hellfire into my hands. I had no fucking clue what I was going to do if Lucifer really was in my castle, but I was prepared for the worst.

However, when I got to the threshold, there was nothing. The only thing looking back at me from the closet were my own t-shirts and slacks.

I felt a hand touch my back, and I spun around, ready to attack.

“Jacob!” Sia was nearly in tears when she saw my expression. “What’s going on?”

“I- I don’t know,” I sighed as my eyes darted from the succubus to the closet. “I thought I saw… Him.”

“Lucifer?” the succubus questioned. “You thought he was here?”

“Why am I the only one who can see and hear him?” I pondered aloud. “It’s like he’s fucking mocking me right to my face.”

“He will do that,” Sia explained. “That’s why Lucifer is such a powerful foe. He will get inside of your head and then live there for as long as you let him.”

“How’s he doing it, though?” I repeated. “Why can’t you see him like I can?”

“You must understand, Jacob,” the madame continued, “Lucifer is the King of Hell. He has powers most Demon Lords and Demon Kings could only dream of. I’m not sure how he’s imposing his image into your mind, but surely it’s one of his many Hellfire abilities. Probably one that’s similar to what our friend Mirage uses.”

Mirage. Just the thought of that sexy, mysterious brunette made me want to forget all about Lucifer.

“It’s getting really fucking annoying,” I admitted. “This is like, the fifth time he’s done it.”

“And he’s going to keep doing it as long as he knows it’s getting to you,” Sia sighed.

“So, what do you suggest I do next time?” I joked. “Run at him fully naked, dick swinging in the wind, and ask him to join us?”

“As foolish as it may sound,” the redhead admitted, “just ignore him. If you can push Lucifer out of your head, it won’t be fun for him any longer. And once something starts becoming boring for the Prince of Darkness, he will avoid it altogether.”

I leaned in and gave the succubus a little peck on the lips to show my gratitude, and then I wandered back over to the bed. I sat down, took another glance at the closet door, and plopped back onto the pillows.

Sia was right up next to me in an instant, and the petite redhead snuggled in close against my chest.

“I wonder what happens now,” I asked aloud as I stared up at our ceiling. “With Beelzebub. He’s lost every single Demon Lord he had, and now his succubi are turning against him? I wonder if he’s going to get desperate?”

“I believe it’ll be the opposite,” Superbia admitted. “I think that, even though he’s still going to call the shots, he’s going to become more reserved. It’s what Azazel did once all of his Demon Lords were slain and all his succubi were converted. He holed himself up inside of his castle and dared you to come down here and take it from him. Which is exactly what you did.”

“Then that’s probably what we’ll have to do with the Lord of the Flies, too,” I agreed with a nod. “March right into the Eighth Circle and kick his shit in, hard. There’s only one issue, though … There are still three Circles standing between us, and all three of them are hostile.”

“Now that you have him on his heels,” the madame explained, “he will rely on Baphomet and Gressil more than ever. Even though he will never admit it, Beelzebub is scared of you, Jacob. If he can wipe his hands clean of you without even lifting a solitary finger, it would suit him quite well.”

“That’s why we need more Demon Lords,” I chuckled. “As much as I love all of you guys, we’re not enough to run the gauntlet of four fucking Demon Kings. Not alone, anyway.”

“I look forward to hearing your report about the ‘hands on’ portion of the interview tomorrow,” Sia said through a yawn. “I’m sure the new girls will do well in their practical exam.”

The last few words of Sia’s sentence trailed off into a slumber-like trance, and when I glanced down, I saw she was out like a light.

It was still fairly early in the evening. I must have worn her out pretty badly.

Of course, the tiredness was hitting me now, too. My eyelids felt heavy in my skull, and I couldn’t help but yawn as I stared at the dark brimstone blocks that made up the roof of my bedroom. Superbia’s body was warm and cozy against my own, and I soon began to drift off to sleep.

I didn’t know how long I’d be out, but one thing was for sure.

Tomorrow was going to be a hell of a day.

Chapter 5

As I walked out into the coliseum, clad in my adventurer’s armor, I saw all five of the interviewees were already present.

Todd was standing up on the stage, gesturing wildly as he tried to pump them up with what I was sure was a long-winded, copyrighted speech.

“ … But today is not that day!” he exclaimed as I came into earshot. “Today … we fight!”

The imp raised his fist up into the air, but nobody followed suit. He stared blankly out into the audience for a few seconds before he lowered his arm, hung his head, and ambled off the stage.

“I thought it was a good speech, bro,” I reassured him as he passed.

“Me too, Jakey,” the imp sighed. “Oh well, I guess Frodo and Sam are fuuuucked this time. Good luck with your Motley Crew!”

Todd continued to laugh at his own joke as he scurried across the sand and then out of the coliseum.

“How are we doing this morning, ladies?” I called out as I sauntered up in front of the succubi. “Are we all ready for our ‘practical exam?’”

“Totally!” Deja nearly squealed, much to the dismay of the other four. “Let’s get up in this bitch and kick some furry ass.”

Beelzebub’s former succubus may have sounded like the typical girl from Cali, but she certainly didn’t look the part. Her brown locks were tied back into a ponytail, and she had a few strips of tribal face paint down the sides of her cheeks. Her outfit consisted of a simple leather armor with a wrap around her chest and a pair of chaps and boots that protected her legs.

On her belt hung a small, coiled-up chain with a spearhead attached to the end. That must have been her weapon of choice.

Right next to her was Mirage, and I almost didn’t recognize the succubus. Normally, she made herself look as beautiful as she possibly could with a tight-fitting dress, makeup, and dangling earrings, but now she stood before me in her armor.

Mirage’s breast plate was somewhat skimpy and left her navel completely exposed. On her legs she wore some sort of cuisses that came down to her knees and met a pair of high-heeled boots. The metal of the armor was your typical scalemail, but its shiny color was offset by the light brown gloves and boots she wore. Mirage had a stubby, centurion-like gladius sword at her side, and I nodded at it to show my curiosity.

“A gladius?” I asked the brunette. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a succubus with one of those before.”

“I try to keep my enemies at a distance,” Mirage shrugged, “but when they get too close, I want to dispel them as quickly and efficiently as I can. I’ve found that small, stabbing weapons do the trick, and this thing is one of the best stabbing weapons around.”

“I love it,” I noted as I looked over at the other succubi. “No weapon, Inpulsa?”

“Why would I need one?” the yellow-haired succubus questioned as she summoned a bit of electricity into her hand. “I am the weapon.”

As I looked up and down Inpulsa’s figure, I couldn’t really disagree.

Her tight outfit consisted entirely of latex and metal studs, almost like she was wearing a gimp suit.

I could only imagine what kinda jokes Todd was gonna cook up about this poor girl.

Then there was Eclipse, who had on a muted silver armor with a collar that would put David Bowie to shame. Her arms and thighs were completely exposed to show off her ink, and she held a medieval-looking naginata in her hands.

The weapon itself was intriguing. Unlike the traditional naginatas used in Feudal Japan, this thing had a blade almost double the width of its pole. Meanwhile, there were intricate etchings all over the blade that, upon closer inspection, seemed to match the tattoos on her body.

Last, and certainly not least, came Eve.

The beautiful redhead was now wearing a bronze chest piece that looked like it was made up of a thousand small, coin-shaped objects. Her lower half consisted of a white mini-skirt that traveled down to just above her inner thigh and a belt that held a small leather sack as well as a rapier. Meanwhile, she had let her hair run just as wild as it had been yesterday.

“Is that thing gonna do any damage?” I joked playfully as I approached the sexy woman and pointed at her rapier. “I think I’ve picked my teeth with more deadly weapons.”

“You’ll see,” Eve retorted with a shrug. “It might not seem like much, but size doesn’t always matter.”

“I’ve never heard that once in my life,” I shot back with a raised eyebrow.

“Lucky you,” the succubus said with a roll of her eyes. “Don’t we have a mission to start here?”

“Right.” I nodded, and then walked over in front of the women so I could address the entire group. “Hello everyone. You five have been chosen by Todd, Superbia, and I as potential recruits. You’ve impressed Todd in the screening, and then you showed us you were the best of the best in the second interview. Out of almost three-hundred succubi who applied for this position, we’ve narrowed it down to you. However, there is one last step that needs to be taken. King Ralston’s inner circle has one rule, and one rule only: you have to be a team player. You’ll soon find out we do everything together, and we pride ourselves on our competence as a team during battle. This is what the final mission is for. We are going to be traveling out to the Hunter’s Plains, where we will work together to try and take down some Vargrats.”

“Ewwww, rats,” Deja gagged.

Eve raised her hand promptly.

“King Ralston?” she questioned. “Most of us have already killed a Vargrat before. What makes this mission so special?”

“Who was with you when you killed the Vargrat?” I prompted.

“Nobody,” Eve admitted.

“Exactly!” I clapped my hands together. “We don’t do solo out here in the Fourth Circle. Today, I’m taking you out to the Hunter's Plains, far beyond the borders of Hell, so I can observe how you fight as a team. To see how you communicate with each other and how you can use your skills together to solve complex issues. And if Gula gets some extra meat for the kitchen in the process, so be it. Who’s ready?”

All five of the succubi let out a resounding “yeah,” so we began our mission.

I led the five women back to the moat of the castle, where Charron’s dinghy was tied up to the pier.

“We’re going to travel on the River of Souls?” Eclipse questioned. “I thought Demon Kings could just, like snap their fingers and teleport to another Circle.”

“No, no, silly,” Deja corrected with a wave of her hand, “haven’t you heard? They just fly there.”

“Uh, right,” I chuckled and rubbed my neck awkwardly. “We’re taking the dingy because it’s all we got. Jacob Ralston’s kingdom is very makeshift, but it’s all part of the charm!”

The girls all looked at each other, shrugged, and then climbed into the boat.

I used my telekinetic Hellfire to untie the knot from the pier, and then I summoned purple flames into my hand and ordered them to surround the boat.

The dinghy lurched forward, and we were off.

There was a slight chill that rolled off the River of Souls, probably an effect of the literal thousands of dead beings that inhabited its waters. However, we still made light of the situation as we passed through the different circles.

During our time in the Third Circle, Eclipse reminisced fondly about her home in one of its deep, dark caves. She told us how much she loved the snow, mostly because she could use it as a cold compress when her tattoos were still fresh, and she told us about her interactions with Vermis the Devil Worm.

“He wasn’t really a ‘pet,’” the dark-haired woman explained, “more like a wild animal everybody knew about and followed.”

“Yeahhhh, sorry about that one,” I apologized. “He was kinda trying to kill me and all of my friends.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” Eclipse mused. “Vermis was like, the Third Circle’s mascot. He isn’t even the biggest Devil Worm in the place.”

Holy fuck, Vermis wasn’t the biggest? It had taken a combined effort just to hold him off, and if it wasn’t for my bronze Hellfire, we would probably have never killed him.

Yet, apparently, he was just a baby compared to some of the other Devil Worms out there.

I made a mental note to try and make nice with the Belphegor, the King of the Third Circle, as we passed through the frigid, slushy landscape. We definitely wanted the Devil Worms on our side.

Next came the Second Circle, the dark, windy place where Shades were forced to chase their most intimate desires for all eternity. The kicker was the wind kept their most desired object just out of their reach, and the Shades would suffer gruesome injuries as they tried to pursue it.

Once we entered the horrid place, we all shielded our eyes.

Or at least, five of us did.

“Ohhhh,” Deja cackled happily. “I can tell you exactly which ones are illusions and which ones are real. Wanna play along?”

“I think I’ll pass,” I answered as I pressed my hands tighter over my eyes.

I honestly didn’t even know what the Second Circle would tempt me with this time. The only other time I’d been here, while Invidia was still locked up in Azazel’s domain, it was an image of the Sister of Envy that beckoned for me to follow. Now that she was free and by my side, the possibilities were endless.

Despite my curiosity, I really didn’t want to open my eyes and find out.

We floated along the River of Souls for nearly twenty minutes before we reached the entrance to the First Circle. As we passed through and I removed my hands from my eyes, I marveled at the City of Limbo.

It had been a while since I’d been in this part of Hell, and its peculiarity never ceased to amaze me. The City of Limbo looked just like any other modern metropolis on Earth. Skyscrapers towered above the rest of the buildings, and even from this far away, I could see the hustle and bustle of Shades going about their everyday lives.

“So, this is what the First Circle looks like,” Eclipse mused. “It’s a bit too peppy for me.”

“I think it’s perrrrfect!” Deja retorted. “The sun is shining, the water looks clear, and I’m sure the beaches are sandy and warm.”

“Not in the First Circle,” I corrected Beelzebub’s former succubus. “It may look like sunshine and rainbows on the outside, but it’s called ‘Limbo’ for a reason. This place is full of ‘good’ people who were nonbelievers and are thus being punished.”

“How could they possibly be punished in this place?” Deja sighed as she threw her head back and soaked up the sun.

As if right on cue, a flock of bats flew above us and made a seagull-like sound. As they passed, a glop of guano plopped down right onto Deja’s shoulder.

The succubus froze for a second before she slowly turned her eyes down at the stain on her armor, made an exaggerated cringe, and then began to gag. The rest of the team stifled laughs as we watched Deja frantically lean over and then splash water up onto her armor to wash off the stain.

“See what I mean?” I guffawed. “The First Circle looks completely fine and dandy, but there’s always a minor inconvenience waiting right around the corner.”

“It still beats what goes on in my old Circle.” Deja shrugged. “Do you have any idea what Beelzebub does to his Shades?”

“Twisted, fucked up shit, I’d imagine,” I admitted. “Probably more on the psychological side, yeah?”

“You’re super smart,” the brunette succubus noted. “I’ve seen my old master do some pretty gnarly stuff. He always finds out what makes each individual Shade tick, and then he tailors the torture experience to whatever he finds out. So, like, there was this one guy who lost his wife and kids in a car crash. He locked him in a dark room with a younger Shade and a woman Shade, neither of which were his wife or child, and then played the audio of the car crash over and over again on repeat.”

“That’s fucked up,” I agreed. “It sounds exactly like something Beelzebub would do.”

“Don’t act like the First Circle is such a tame place,” Mirage spoke up from the back of the boat, “the Shades may not be as tormented here, but Asmodeus is just as twisted and evil as the rest of the Demon Kings. Have I told you about the time he made one of his enemies stick their penis in a bear trap?”

“I can’t say you have.” I cringed at the thought.

“It’s true,” she continued. “He found out one of his Demon Lords had betrayed him, so the King of the First Circle ambushed him, took him prisoner, and then forced him to make love to his lover through a hole that was cut in the trigger of the bear trap.”

“How does that even work?” Inpulsa questioned.

Mirage gave the yellow-haired succubus a sultry glare and shrugged.

“Asmodeus created a hole just large enough for the demon to fit through, and then he chained his lover up to the other side, with the deadly end of the trap facing her,” the brunette explained. “One wrong move, one thrust too hard, and his lover would be snapped in half. You can guess how long he lasted.”

“Wow,” Eclipse muttered as we approached the main gate of the city, “The worst I had to deal with was my old Master freezing people in slush.”

“We shouldn’t think about our old Masters too much, girls,” Eve spoke up. “Should this mission go smoothly, we will all be the subjects of King Ralston, and he is nothing like the rest of the bastards who rule over us or our sisters all around this god-forsaken place!”

All of the succubi in the boat responded with a resounding “yeah!” as the gates opened in front of us, and we were taken out into the darkness of the outer limits of Hell. We floated along in total silence for what felt like an hour before we finally arrived at our destination.

“This place is fucking creepy,” I heard Deja shudder. “It’s so dark, I can’t even see my hand in front of my face out here. Also, why is it so quiet? Shouldn’t there at least be some wind or some bats or something? This is freaking me out.”

“I’ll handle the light,” Inpulsa offered.

Suddenly, there was a brilliant flash of yellow Hellfire accompanied by the staticky sound of electricity crackling through the air. A ten square foot area around us was illuminated in a flash, and we could now see exactly where the fuck we were.

Our boat bobbed peacefully along the River of Souls, but the sight in front of us was anything but calming.

Dark black, rocky brimstone made up the landscape as far as Inpulsa’s light would show. There was dark blood splattered all across the stony ground, and it was littered with the skulls of various creatures that I didn’t recognize.

Yup. This was definitely the Hunter’s Plains.

“This is it,” I announced as I summoned purple Hellfire into my hands.

I ordered the dinghy to stop in its tracks and then slowly moved it over so it was at the shoreline of the fields. Then I called on my telekinetic Hellfire, surrounded the boat, and lifted it up onto the ground where it wouldn’t be washed away. Once we were safely out of the water and on solid land, the six of us exited the vessel and stepped out onto the deadly fields.

“So, we just have to kill some Vargrats?” Mirage mused. “That shouldn’t be difficult.”

“There’s more to it than that,” I corrected the beautiful temptress, “I want to observe you all fighting as a team. So yeah, you’re killing Vargrats, but don’t just run off and try to one-on-one the things.”

“So then, what’s the plan of attack, King Ralston?” Mirage questioned as she stared off into the distance.

“That’s not my call,” I admitted. “I’m just here to watch.”

“I bet you’d like that,” Eve purred flirtatiously, and then she strutted past me in a hurry. “It’s pretty simple, if you ask me. You with the brown hair. You create illusions, right?”

“Mirages,” the succubus corrected, “but yes, I do.”

“Excellent.” Eve nodded. “You can use your powers to create something that would be visually appealing to a Vargrat. Then, once it gets close, we can collectively kill the beast.”

“That sounds way too easy,” Eclipse protested. “What’s the catch?”

“There isn’t any catch,” Inpulsa scoffed, “the plan is perfect. She lures it out here, I hit it with a blast of electricity and then bam! One toasted Vargrat, coming right up.”

“I can split into two and then wrap it up with my chain!” Deja interjected. “That way it can’t run away while you’re trying to fry it. What about you, Eclipse? What’s your role gonna be here?”

The tattooed succubus rapped on her chin curiously as she thought about it, but she didn’t seem to be finding an answer she liked.

“I seriously don’t have a clue,” she admitted. “I’d usually try to like, blind them or something, but the Vargrats’ other senses are top tier. And it’s not like there’s any sort of light I could be stealing.”

“Then you’re just gonna have to get down and dirty with that big ‘ol polearm of yours,” Eve noted coyly.

“It’s not a polearm,” Eclipse sighed, “it’s a naginata. But yes, this bad boy is about to get more use than it’s gotten in years.”

“You sure you can still get it up?” Mirage asked suggestively as her hand began to glow with green Hellfire.

“Very funny,” Eclipse shot back with a catty tone. “If anyone needs to worry about getting it up, it’s gonna be California Girl over there.”

“I work just fine with flaccid, thank you very much,” Deja protested. “When you’ve got this much length, the sky’s the limit on what you can do. I’m sure Jacob knows what I’m talking about.”

I felt a warm blush creep up my face as my pants tightened. Of all the rumors I was proud of Mephisto for spreading, the one about my cock size probably made me the proudest.

Then again, that was much more than just a rumor.

“Alright,” Mirage tried to bring everyone back to attention, “what kind of illusion should I concoct?”

“Well,” Eve pondered aloud, “these things can smell blood from dozens of miles away, and they’re known to go after just about anything that moves … ”

I wanted to speak up and ask what kind of prey a Vargrat usually hunted, but I’d promised myself I wasn’t going to interfere.

“Bats,” Inpulsa muttered nonchalantly as she used her yellow Hellfire to inspect one of the skulls on the ground. “A Vargrat’s diet is mostly composed of bats.”

“Then that’s a great place to start!” Deja agreed. “You could make a whole flock of the little fellas and make ‘em extra loud and supersonicky.”

“One flock of bats, coming right up.” Mirage nodded, and then her eyes rolled back in her head. “Are we ready, girls?”

The other four succubi took their positions as they awaited their teammate’s move. Eve, Deja, and Eclipse all drew their weapons in anticipation, and Inpulsa took a fighting stance with her hands both aglow in yellow Hellfire.

Mirage’s body began to float up into the air as green mist poured from her eyes like a waterfall of jade and then surrounded the landscape around us. A few seconds later, the mist floated up into the air and formed itself into dozens of tiny, winged figures.

We were now staring at a large flock of bats. The projections of the creatures squeaked and squealed loudly, and their voices mixed together to form a sort of amplified, supersonic wave of sound.

The shrill sound pierced my ears like a knife, and I had to throw my hands over them to make sure I wasn’t going to permanently damage my eardrums.

However, the girls’ ploy worked.

Within a few minutes, the ground began to rumble beneath our feet, and the bats’ ultrasonic squeaks were met with a deep, guttural growl that sounded like a cross between a bear and a bobcat.

That would be our Vargrat.

The four remaining succubi surrounded Mirage as they desperately looked around for their incoming target.

“There!” Inpulsa called out as she tossed a bolt of lightning into the sky on her left.

As the blast of staticky yellow Hellfire passed through the sky, it illuminated the massive figure of the Vargrat.

This fucking thing was huge, even by Vargrat standards. The giant rodent was nearly double the height of any of us, and his body was three times as wide. Thick muscles rippled underneath his fur as he ran, and there was bloodlust in his eyes.

“Uh, Mirage?” Deja gasped. “I don’t think he gives a flying fuck about the bats anymore.”

“Of course not,” the brunette succubus mused as she floated back down to the ground and drew her gladius. “Now that he’s found six more tasty morsels to snack on, those things are nothing. Just as I had planned. Now, shall we?”

Watching what came next was like watching clockwork.

Mirage zipped over to the left, next to Eclipse, and tossed a handful of red fireballs at the Vargrat.

The creature serpentined to dodge the attack, and he let out a roar of anger as he closed the gap on the succubi.

“Now, Deja!” Eve commanded, and the time-manipulator jumped into action.

Deja’s body was eclipsed with black Hellfire, and then it began to rapidly fade in and out. Next, a mirror image of the succubus appeared at her side, brandishing the same chainspear that she held in her hand. Deja called forth her tiny bat wings, lifted up into the air, and flew sideways. As she did so, the copy of herself did exactly the same.

Once they were nearly parallel, Deja and her clone threw their chains around the Vargrat’s neck. The creature’s momentum nearly yanked them out of the sky, but they were somehow able to retain their balance.

The Vargrat screeched as it flailed its head wildly in an attempt to shake off the succubus. However, the other four were already on it.

“Calm him down, ladies!” Mirage called out, and then both Eve and Eclipse summoned their Hellfire into their hands.

Eclipse’s spell struck first, and the rat’s eyes lit up with black Hellfire.

Now blinded, he began to jerk back and forth even harder.

“She said calm him!” Deja grunted as she tried to keep her grip on the chain. “Not piss him off even more.”

“Relax,” Eve reassured her teammate. “He will be beyond calm in a moment.”

The redheaded succubus pointed her open palm at the Vargrat’s chest, and his motions suddenly began to slow. He was still pissed off and trying to escape, but it was easy to see his “spark” was gone.

I guess that’s what happens when somebody drains part of your life force.

“My turn,” Inpulsa boasted as she took a running start.

Once the yellow-haired succubus was behind the Vargrat, she squatted down and then propelled herself into the air. She somersaulted over the monster gracefully, and when she was just above his grotesque head, she threw out her hand and blasted him with her yellow flames.

The Vargrat’s body twitched violently as it was electrocuted from the brain down, but he remained on his own four feet.

“Plan B,” Eve announced as she drew her rapier, “One well-placed stab should do the trick.”

“How are you going to--Ahhh!” Deja screamed as she nearly lost her balance. “How are you going to stab this guy when he’s flailing around like this?”

Eve didn’t even respond. Instead, the armor-clad succubus strutted up to the Vargrat, squinted one eye, and then pulled back her weapon. She took aim for a split second more before she drove the point of the rapier forward, directly into the monster’s chest.

Suddenly, the Vargrat went motionless. Then he let out a pitiful squeak as his body collapsed to the ground with a loud thud, and his gnarly tongue flopped out of his mouth.

“Go, Eve!” Deja exclaimed as she recalled her chain.

The doppelganger of the succubus floated back over to the original, lined up evenly with her body, and then was assimilated in a flash.

“That was actually really damn impressive,” Mirage added as she walked back over to the group. “Where did you learn how to do that?”

Eve just shrugged.

“A good girl never tells,” she giggled. “Besides, you guys aren’t the ones I needed to impress. What do you think, King Ralston?”

The redhead’s question caught me off guard, and I tried to think of an answer as my mind tried to reorient itself.

“Two words.” I grinned at the women. “Bad. Ass.”

All five of the succubi let out a chuckle of glee as they pumped their fists in the air and celebrated.

“Does this mean you’ll accept us as your Demon Lords?” Inpulsa asked. “Because that would be really fucking awesome if you did.”

“That was just one Vargrat,” I explained. “You guys did great, but I was thinking maybe we could try something with a bit more adversity? Maybe like, a small herd of these guys? That would at least show me how you perform in group combat situations. I--”

“Wait.” Eve shushed me with a raised finger. “I’m sensing a huge surge of life force around us right now.”

“Is it more Vargrats?” I questioned. “Did they see the bats and decide to come investigate?”

“No, not Vargrats,” Eve gasped. “Their heartbeats tell me they’re tall and muscular.”

“Where are they coming from?” Inpulsa asked, somewhat flustered. “These things think they’re catching us off-guard, but I can easily reveal them if I know where to shoot.”

“That way,” the redheaded succubus announced as she spun around and pointed behind us.

Without missing a beat, Inpulsa launched a massive bolt of electric Hellfire in the direction Eve had mentioned. The spell traveled for a few dozen feet before it struck one of the incoming figures and lit up its body like a Christmas tree.

I let out a gasp as I saw what was coming. I recognized the figure immediately, with its pale, ashy skin, bald head, and muscular frame.

It was a fucking Tartaruchi. And, judging by the readings Eve was getting, there were a lot of them.

“How many, Eve?” I demanded, but the redhead just frowned and shook her head.

“Too many to count,” she gasped. “My magic can’t even detect any sort of numerical figure.”

Great.

I turned around to face the incoming assault, drew the Unhallowed Sword from its sheath, and summoned yellow Hellfire into my hand.

What had started out as a simple training exercise looked like it was taking a turn for the worse.

Chapter 6

“What in the holy Hell are Tartaruchi doing all the way out here?” Deja gasped when she saw the figure illuminated in the light of Inpulsa’s electricity. “Aren’t they supposed to, like, stay in their assigned places in the different Circles and all that?”

“For being the ‘protectors of Hell,’” Mirage grumbled, “they sure are doing a terrible job at it.”

The footsteps of the horrid creatures were growing louder by the second, and I realized we would soon be within their striking range. I had to make a move, and I had to make it quick. So, I called forth purple Hellfire in one hand, green Hellfire in the other, and then slammed my palms down into the ground.

Four massive walls of fire sprung forth from the brimstone and surrounded us in their inferno. The combined Hellfire types swirled together to form a strange, dark brown color as their magic was combined.

Then came the assault of fireballs.

Small, red blasts of Hellfire lit up the darkness of the Hunter’s Plains, and for the first time, I could see what we were dealing with.

The Tartaruchi were all around our position as they hurled their spells, and I figured there must have been at least a hundred of the fuckers.

Unfortunately for them, their ranks would be thinning quite quickly.

As soon as the fireballs struck my barriers, they were transported across space and time before I commanded them to reappear. Right in the air above the fuckers.

I heard a series of inhuman hisses as the Tartaruchis’ own fireballs rained down on them, and there were a few flashes of bright red as bodies went up in flames. Had they been stupid enough to continue their attack, these bastards would have done all the work for us.

However, these weren’t simple grunts like Azazel’s red warriors or the Daeva. These were the Tartaruchi, the sacred guardians of Hell.

They knew exactly what they were doing, and that made this assault all the more troubling.

“Is this our second test?” Eclipse asked over the sound of the screaming, ashy demons.

“If I could control the Tartaruchi, I’d have this whole war won by now,” I joked. “I have no idea where these fuckers came from, or how they knew we were out here. All I know is that, right now, they need to die.”

The guardians of Hell halted their attack on our shields as they allowed the cover of darkness to return. The glow of my brownish Hellfire continued to illuminate the area slightly, but it did little more than show me the front of our enemy’s ranks.

Now that they realized they weren’t going to get through, each of the Tartaruchi stood deathly still with their iron pitchforks down at their side. They had a blank, emotionless expression as they stared us down through the translucent wall, and it was enough to send a shiver down my spine.

“What are they doing?” Eve growled. “Why did they stop?”

“They’re trying to wait us out,” Mirage explained. “They know we can’t hold our position forever, but they also realize they can’t do anything until we move.”

“It’s like an old west showdown,” I added as I drew the Unhallowed Sword from my belt. “The question is, can we hit them before they hit us?”

“I could take ‘em all,” Inpulsa boasted with a hand on her hip. “Seriously, King Ralston, pull down your shields, and I’ll turn ‘em all to ashes.”

“Hold on,” I whispered to the yellow-haired succubus, “that’s actually not that bad of an idea. We just have to play it smart.”

“What are you talking about?” Eve hissed. “If you release your shields, we’ll be sitting ducks.”

“I know that,” I confirmed, “but if we want to stand any sort of chance against these bastards, we need to get them split up into more manageable sizes. And the only way we’re gonna do that is by breaking through their forces.”

“Uhhhhhhhh,” Deja mused in a high-pitched tone, “I’m not really following … ”

“We have an illusionist,” I whispered as I nodded to Mirage. “If we play our cards right, we can replace the real shields with fake ones. Then, the six of us will at least be the ones to land the first blow.”

“Ohhhhh, I get it.” Deja nodded as she tightened her grip on the chain in her hand. “You want me to get in on the action, too? I could trick them all to make it look like we’re moving slower than we really are.”

“And then I could steal the light from their Hellfire,” Eclipse added. “That way, they’d be attacking blind.”

I glanced over at Eve to see if she had anything to add, but she just gave me a disapproving stare.

“My powers aren’t strong enough to weaken this whole army,” she said in a hush, and then she waved her rapier in the air. “But this bad boy can do way more damage than you’d think.”

“Fair enough.” I shrugged and then turned back to Mirage. “Are you ready?”

The brunette succubus took a firmer stance, and then she rolled her eyes into the back of her head. As she did so, green Hellfire mist began to pour out of her orbitals and trickle down onto the ground.

My heart hammered in my chest as I watched the mist travel over to the base of my barriers, and then I prepared to decast my spell. I had to be really fucking careful. If I mistimed the transition by even a few seconds, the Tartaruchi would realize what was going on, and we would all be incinerated by their white-hot flames or skewered by their deadly tridents.

I took a deep breath as the mist began to slowly climb up the walls, and then I set to work. I tried to look as nonchalant as I possibly could as I deactivated my protective spell, little by little. I could feel the cold sweat beading on my forehead, and it was almost as chilly as the blood running through my veins at the moment.

Just stay the course, Jacob. Don’t let ‘em see you sweat.

Then, before I knew what had happened, it was over. The real barriers around my team were now gone, and Mirage’s illusion stood in their place.

The best part was that the Tartaruchi appeared to be none the wiser.

It was time to do or die.

I summoned red and yellow Hellfire into my open hand, swirled the spell together, and prepared for the attack.

At the same time, I saw Inpulsa’s yellow fire crackle and spread through her body like she was charging up a taser. Meanwhile, Eclipse had black Hellfire in one hand and her massive naginata resting against her shoulder, and Eve had her rapier at the ready.

Deja started to swing her spiked chain around her side like a lasso as she raised a flickering hand into the air. She gave me a nod to show that she was ready, and I returned the gesture.

It was showtime.

“Now!” I exclaimed, and then I hurled forth a shot of yellow and red flames.

The succubi all followed suit as the air behind me crackled with electricity and the sizzle of Hellfire.

Just as we’d expected, the Tartaruchi had no idea what was coming. They let out a collective gasp of surprise as our attacks passed through the shield and struck the bastards closest to our position.

My yellow-and-red shuriken stabbed into the chests of ten different Tartaruchi and knocked them back into their allies behind them. However, they weren’t done.

I snapped my fingers, and the shuriken exploded. There was a brief yelp of pain as chunks of Tartaruchi flew up into the air and then fell back down to the dirt like a hurricane of gore.

I saw Eve zip past my right on her large, black wings, and then she used her momentum to skewer three of the fuckers straight through the chest like a shish kebab.

“That’s why soldiers shouldn’t stand in a line!” she mocked as she stabbed her rapier through the eye of another Tartaruchi. “It makes you much easier to kill.”

Damn. I made myself a mental not to never get on Eve’s bad side.

Inpulsa was just off to my left, and she flipped over the blows of the Tartaruchi as she blasted them at point-blank range with her electric flames. The ashy bastards seized and gasped as their bodies were fried from the inside, and then they crumpled down into a heap.

Two more of the Tartaruchi took a swing at me with their tridents, but I quickly threw up a portal of green in front of the trajectory. Both of the deadly weapons passed through harmlessly before they reappeared beside the heads of their wielders and jabbed into the flesh of their temples. The dark red eyes of the bastards went dead as the prongs turned their brains into swiss cheese, and their tongues flopped oafishly out of their mouths.

Just as the two dead Tartaruchi went down, I had to spin around to counter the next attack. I got the Unhallowed Sword up just in time to block an incoming trident, and then I swiftly ducked down to avoid a blast of white-hot incendiary flames.

“Fiiilllthhy Mortalllll scummmmm,” the creature hissed with an almost reptilian voice.

I summoned bronze Hellfire into my hand, blasted the ground beneath us, and then watched as the Tartaruchi stumbled backward and tried to hold his balance. Before he could reorient himself, I spun around, threw up my dark blade, and separated his head from his shoulders with a wet crunch.

“Nephilim!” I cried as I whipped around and parried another trident. “When will you guys get it right?”

I hauled back my sword to kill my next attacker, but Deja was already on it.

The tip of her spiked chain erupted through the eye socket of the Tartaruchi from behind, and I gagged as a mixture of brain matter, skull fragments, blood, and some sort of clear liquid splattered all over the front of my armor.

Deja gave the chain a yank, and the creature’s corpse was thrown to the ground like a ragdoll. But the succubus wasn’t done yet. She ignited the dead Tartaruchi’s body with a blast of red Hellfire, pulled the chain in closer, and then began to spin the flaming corpse around her head like a lasso. As she spun, her hand began to glitch in and out before the effect spread up her chain and onto the makeshift flail.

The dead warrior’s body suddenly started to flicker in and out like mad, and then Deja released it from her grip. As she did so, the flaming body multiplied into five replicas, and the crowd of Tartaruchi were assaulted by the burning corpse of their fallen brother.

I blocked another trident with my purple flame, stabbed the assailant through the stomach, and then laughed as I watched several more of the fuckers light on fire and run around like chickens with their heads cut off.

Deja may have played up the whole “ditzy California girl” shtick, but she was as deadly as any of the other succubi on my team.

I watched the succubus jump up into the air, twist her body like a top, and then launch her spear through a handful of nearby targets. Then she tossed them up into the air, and I finished them off with a massive ball of red Hellfire.

The ash of their burnt bodies fell down on us like powdery snow as the battle raged on.

As another small horde of Tartaruchi charged at me, I lifted up my hand and endowed it with silver and red Hellfire. I aimed at the fuckers, lit up their tridents with the spell, and watched in amusement as their weapons turned to liquid in their hands.

The Tartaruchi screamed as the molten metal scorched their hands, and they tried to toss it out of their grip.

I wasn’t going to let that happen.

Instead, I ordered the runny metal to attach itself to their hands and then climb up their arms like a series of deadly silver vines. Try as they might to fling the watery material off their bodies, it clung to them tightly as it seared into their flesh and muscle.

While they were distracted by the pain of their burning appendages, I made my move. I stabbed the first one directly between the eyes, and then I dislodged my blade, spun around, and came down on the second Tartaruchi’s neck in a downward slash.

A tidal wave of dark red blood sprayed from his neck as his artery was severed, and he gurgled helplessly as I moved on to the third fucker.

He desperately tried to lash out at me, but I was too quick. I liquified the metal once more, ordered it to climb even further, and then watched as it shot up like a jumping spider. The watery metal latched onto the Tartaruchi’s face, and his screams of agony were muffled by the material as it burned into his ugly mug. He was dead in seconds.

“Eclipse, can you give me a hand?” Eve called out from my far left.

I twisted around to see the redhead’s hand aglow with silver Hellfire. There were several tendrils shooting out of her open palm, all of which were attached to the hearts of a nearby group of Tartaruchi.

She was weakening their life force.

Suddenly, the darkness of the Hunter’s Plains were illuminated with a blast of yellow Hellfire as it shot toward the group of ashy fuckers. It struck the first one before it splintered off and hit the rest of the group, and they all began to vibrate violently. Then there was a spray of gore as their hearts literally exploded out of their chests.

Holy fuck.

“I really wish we had grenades or something,” Mirage grumbled as she flew over to my position. “Our group is working together quite well, but we’re missing our crowd control.”

“Then we’ll just have to make our own methods,” I noted, and then I blasted the head off a Tartaruchi with a red fireball.

It was hard to see through the darkness, but I was sure there were still plenty of these bastards left. There was no doubt in my mind that my team could handle them, but we were kinda in a tough spot.

The Tartaruchi outnumbered us nearly five to one. All they had to do was keep throwing themselves at us, and eventually we’d wear down. If we didn’t do something soon, they would win simply by playing a game of attrition.

“Inpulsa!” I called out into the abyss. “Give me some light! Everything you’ve got!”

“You got it, boss man!” the succubus shouted from somewhere behind me.

I could suddenly feel the electricity in the air around us, and the hairs on my arm started to stand on end.

Then the yellow-haired beauty unleashed her full power.

There was a crackle of thunder as a lightning bolt the size of a sequoia tree erupted into the air and illuminated everything around us for nearly a mile. Now that the Tartaruchi didn’t have the cover of darkness to hide them, I could see they were mostly coming at us in large groups from off to my right.

“Eve!” I commanded the redhead. “I need a lift!”

Without a moment’s hesitation, the succubus zipped over, picked me up in her arms, and hoisted me up into the sky.

As we ascended, I saw Eclipse surrounded by a large horde of enemies. Even though she was heavily outnumbered, the dark-haired woman was holding her own pretty damn well.

Eclipse was using her naginata to keep her opponents at a distance with long, hefty swings. She managed to lop the arms off one of the fuckers as she dodged trident strike after trident strike and then ran the end of her blade through another one’s head.

I guess she really could handle herself.

I scanned the crowd of Tartaruchi to see if there were any possible weak spots, but I found none.

I guess I was gonna have to create one.

“Put me down over there!” I pointed as Eve moved us out of the way of an incoming fireball.

“Right in the center of them all?” she gasped. “Do you have a death wish?”

“I’ve got an idea,” I reassured the redhead. “Just drop me over there, and I’ll take it from there.”

Eve seemed to hesitate, but then she obeyed my command. She continued to dodge fireballs as she soared toward the crowd of deadly Tartaruchi. Then, once we were above the horde, she let me go.

My heart sank in my chest as I plummeted toward the mass of angry, bloodthirsty demons below. I knocked away a few fireballs with my purple flame as I fell, and then I summoned bronze Hellfire into my hands.

I only had one shot at this. If I fucked up, I was dead. I would probably be torn to shreds by dozens of pairs of razor-sharp teeth and claws before these murderous demons ate my guts like a fucking raw steak.

It was the moment of truth.

Seconds before I hit the ground, I blasted my bronze spell downward. The brimstone underneath me shook and shattered, and then I landed inside of a literal crater.

Large chunks of jagged rock sprayed up into the air around me, and I quickly threw out my hands, called forth my green Hellfire, and surrounded the chunks of debris with its emerald glow. Instantly, I felt the weight of the hundreds of pieces of heavy rock as I fell down to one knee and tried to hold my concentration.

I wasn’t going to let these bastards get the best of King Ralston.

I let out a growl of frustration as I stood back up and clapped my hands together. The debris followed my motion in the sky as it combined to form one giant, asymmetrical ball of brimstone. Then I threw my arms out to my sides and sent hundreds of deadly, jagged projectiles scattering in all directions like the shrapnel of a grenade.

Yelps of pain rang out from all around me as the enchanted projectiles tore through the Tartaruchi as if they were made of cardboard.

Then the air around me went silent.

I surrounded my own body with the green fire, raised myself out of the crater, and prepared for battle once more.

However, when I surveyed the field, I realized there was nobody left to fight.

Tartaruchi bodies were sprawled out as far as my eyes could see. Most of them were completely motionless, but a few of them groaned in agony as they lay in pools of their own blood.

Holy shit … it actually worked.

Now, I just had to worry about the ones who were attacking the succubi. I spun around on my heels and began to dash back over to where the battle had originally begun. Inpulsa’s beam of electricity was still shining brightly in the sky, and I could see the rest of the team handling the remaining Tartaruchi.

Perhaps “handling,” was an understatement. By the time I got back over to the group, Eclipse had brought her blade directly down onto the last Tartaruchi’s head.

The demon’s noggin split apart like a melon on Gallagher’s stage and sent red viscera all over the ground below. The dying Tartaruchi desperately grasped at his split head before he toppled over, and his brains spilled out onto the brimstone.

“That must have been the last of them,” Eve explained. “I only sense six life forces right now.”

“What the hell happened?” Mirage muttered angrily as she put her hands on her hips. “Was this some sort of sick joke, King Ralston? Part of our training exercise? Because the Tartaruchi are no laughing matter.”

“I didn’t do this,” I promised the brunette. “Our mission was to come out here and kill some Vargrats. I have no fucking clue where these assholes came from.”

“What I don’t understand,” Eve pondered as she rapped on her chin, “is why the Tartaruchi are this far out from their home. Normally, they don’t venture beyond the Second Circle, and now that they’ve formally allied themselves with Gressil, they don’t go beyond the Fifth. What reason could they possibly have for being all the way out here?”

“I dunno about you guys,” Deja interjected as she began to coil up her deadly chain, “but I think the timing is a little bit fishy, no? Let’s say these Tartaruchi were just out here, minding their own business, exploring the wonders of the Hunter’s Plains. These things stretch on for hundreds of thousands of miles. What are the odds that they would just so happen to run into us?”

“They didn’t ‘just run into us,’” Inpulsa spoke up as she deactivated her spell. “They tried to ambush us. And if it wasn’t for the demon heart monitor over there, they would have succeeded.”

“Did you have a particular location that you wanted to take us for our mission, King Ralston?” Mirage questioned.

“I mean, I wanted to bring you out to the Hunter’s Plains, and I figured we’d stay close to the River of Souls for obvious reasons … ” I pondered aloud.

“Who all knew where we would be?” Inpulsa added. “Who could have possibly given our position away?”

“I-I don’t know,” I admitted as the gut-wrenching thought came into my mind. “Obviously, all the rest of the girls and Todd. Plus, my Demon Lords and Daniel. But none of them would have--”

“Do any of those people have loose lips?” Mirage cut in. “Is there anyone on your team who could have possibly spoken too openly? Somebody who might have given away our position by accident?”

She was describing Todd to a tee, but even I knew he wouldn’t be that careless.

“Maybe,” I sighed and gave the team a little shrug, “but we won’t know until we get back to the castle.”

I turned around, motioned for the succubi to follow me, and then began to walk back toward the River of Souls. It was a short trek before I was back in front of the small dinghy, and then I picked it up into the air with my green Hellfire. Once it was back in the murky, ectoplasmic water, the six of us climbed in.

“Ya know,” Deja observed as we set off down the river, “we totally make a really fucking good team.”

“You do,” I admitted with a forced smile. “I didn’t realize we were going to have an extra activity today, but you guys killed it.”

“Does that mean we have the job?” Eclipse asked in an unusually perky tone.

“I’ll have to think about it.” I winked at the succubi. “After all, I’m the one who did most of the heavy lifting and took out the majority of the Tartaruchi.”

“Very funny,” Eve retorted as she smacked my arm playfully. “I’d give most of that credit to Inpulsa. If it wasn’t for her, we would have been fighting in darkness the entire time.”

“Eh, I was just doin’ me.” The yellow haired succubus shrugged.

“You all did a great job,” I announced. “Once we get back home and get all this Tartaruchi shit figured out, we can talk about the next steps.”

The boat erupted with squeals of glee, but I couldn’t help but be distracted.

Who the fuck ratted us out? Was it one of our own? Was one of Beelzebub’s minions watching us? Or, even worse, was Lucifer finally deciding I wasn’t worth the time of day?

No matter what it was, I was gonna get to the fucking bottom of it.

Chapter 7

The girls were very chatty during the boat ride back to the Fourth Circle. They gossiped about what they were gonna do when they became Demon Lords, and which Demon Kings they wanted to get revenge on, and who got to do the ceremony first.

As much as I would have loved to think about fucking all five of these beautiful women, my mind was somewhere else.

It couldn’t have been Daniel who sold us out. What would a Shade have to gain by usurping his King? If I was out of the picture, another much more evil fucker would just come and take my place. Besides, I saved him from an eternity of being skewered by his own body weight on a spiky wooden post. He was loyal to a fault.

So, had one of my Demon Lords stabbed me in the back? Eligor had warned me a million times that demons were loyal to nobody but themselves, but I figured we’d solved that problem when we went after the lowest of the low. Neither of my current lords had ever openly displayed disobedience toward me, so it was hard to believe they had any issues.

Maybe the worst had come to pass, and Lucifer had decided to turn on me. He obviously knew my whereabouts at all points in time, and any of my enemies would jump at the chance to team up with the Prince of Darkness himself.

One thing was for sure, I knew I could trust my succubi and Todd. They were the ones I was going to speak with, first thing when we got back.

As we pulled up to my black, brimstone castle, I marveled at the new installations we’d recently put up. Invidia had been begging me for months to reconstruct the giant tower that had been destroyed during our fight with Azazel. Even though it was the place where she’d been locked up for months and surrounded by booby-trapped stairs, she swore it was “the most peace and quiet she’d gotten in centuries.” The Sister of Envy might not have been a permanent resident in my abode any more, but she had a place in the guest tower every time she came to stay.

Still, I let out an audible groan when I saw there was an unauthorized part of the design. A giant slab of wood had been placed across the top of the structure so that it jutted out on both sides and formed a giant “T.” Off on the right side of the building was a series of letters that spelled out “oddster,” all in chicken-scratch red spray paint.

Once our vessel was parked, the six of us exited the dinghy and moved up into the castle staircase.

“You guys go take a breather.” I nodded to the group as we approached the main stairs. “Go out and explore the Fourth Circle. It’s changed a lot since I took over, so go enjoy a night on the town, all on me. If you go out to the business or culinary districts, just let the people in charge know that you’re with King Ralston, and it’ll all be taken care of.”

“That’s what I like to hear.” Eve grinned happily, and then she turned and waved to the rest of the team. “Come on, girls! Let’s go celebrate!”

The five succubi giggled as they ran up the stairs toward the door. As they ran, they stripped off their armor until they were finally as naked as a jaybird, and then their nude bodies disappeared into the great outdoors.

I continued on up the stairs until I reached the second floor living quarters.

Todd and Libidine were sitting at the tiny table in the back playing chess. Or, at least, it looked like they were trying to play chess. The imp had a massive doobie hanging from his lips, and his eyes were so bloodshot that they looked like they were nothing but red orbs. He pondered thoughtfully as held his pawn in one hand, and then he made a series of jumps over Libidine’s pieces.

“King me, Lib!” he cackled.

“For the last time, Tood,” the Sister of Lust sighed and rubbed her temple, “we’re playing chess.”

“Exactly,” Todd agreed, “and I just quadruple jumped your ass!”

“You don’t jump in chess,” Libidine argued in vain, “you capture pieces, and you can only make one move at a time.”

“That was only one move, dudette.” The imp shrugged. “Don’t be all jealous at my superior skills.”

I rolled my eyes as I surveyed the room further.

Tristitia, the Sister of Sloth, was passed out on my couch in front of the magic mirror. She laid there with her mouth agape, completely motionless, and for a split second I was afraid she was dead. My fears disappeared, though, when her body twitched and a loud, buzzsaw-like snore escaped her mouth.

The sudden sound must have surprised the rest of the group, because they all glanced over to see what was going on.

“Jacob!” Libidine gasped. “You’re back!”

“Wait, Jakey was gone?” Todd questioned in a baked-out haze.

The dark-haired succubus pushed out her chair, ran over to me, and went in for the hug. However, she stopped herself just short when she saw I was covered with all sorts of viscera and gore.

“What the hell happened to you?” she questioned with horror in her voice. “I’ve seen Sister Gula prepare enough Vargrats to know that’s not their blood. Are all of the others okay?”

“Holy shit,” Todd gasped from the table, “did somebody get Running Man-ed? Please tell me nobody got sliced in half with a buzzsaw, bro.”

“They’re all alright,” I reassured both my friends. “The Tartaruchi that attacked us, on the other hand? They definitely are not.”

“The Tartaruchi were all the way out in the Hunter’s Plains?” Libidine questioned with a quirked eyebrow.

“Somebody must have tipped them off on where to find us.” I nodded. “There were nearly a hundred of the bastards. It wasn’t just a random encounter.”

“Do you think we’re being watched?” Libidine asked.

“Either that, or somebody blabbed,” I sighed.

“Wasn’t me,” Todd gasped. “I’m no rat. I’d never squeal on a bro, bro.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “You didn’t even know I was gone.”

“I take offense to that, bro,” Todd protested in a slur. “I may be baked, but I’m still coherent enough not to get fucking Hagrid-ed.”

“But you still didn’t know I had even left?” I snickered. “Even though you did all the first round interviews and were there when I told them where and when we were going to go?”

“I thought that was Tuesday,” Todd said with a shrug.

“Todd,” Libby sighed. “It is Tuesday.”

“Woah,” Todd gasped again. Did I lose a whole week? I had appointments and shit. I have to do my podcast, and I haven’t even done my research on my topic. It’s going to take forever.”

“What’s the topic?” I asked, even though I should have known better.

“‘Elf babes, and do they get pregnant if human men cum inside of them?’” my friend declared proudly. “I haven’t even found an elf babe yet to discuss the various hypotheses on the air.”

“I’m… I’m gonna… leave that one alone,” I sighed as I looked at the couch. “What about Tris? Do you think she might have accidentally given something away?”

“Tristitia has been here the whole time,” Libidine admitted. “I honestly don’t think she’s left that couch in days.”

“I seriously had to poke her with a stick the other day, bro,” Todd added. “Just to make sure she was still alive.”

“Wait … Todd, you did leave earlier,” Libidine accused the imp. “You said you got a call from a listener on your podcast and had to meet them urgently.”

“What?” the imp asked as he turned his head inquisitively. “Oh yeah, yeah! Gag-a-man or whatever the fuck his name is wanted to talk to me. The elf babe thing is next Tuesday. I tell ya, all this demon lord killing stuff is really cutting into my attention span when it comes to my show. I’m going to have to cut back on my other hobbies, or something.”

My blood went cold. Gamigin? One of my Demon Lords?

“What did he want to talk about?” I nearly snarled.

“Not much, actually.” The imp shrugged. “He called into Tuesdays with the Toddster and said that it was the only way he knew to contact me and that he had some urgent news or some shit. He told me to meet him out in Firecracker’s territory so he could tell me.”

“And you went?” I asked, extremely confused.

“Sure I did,” Todd squeaked. “He wanted to meet at that one place. What did Firecracker name it again? The ‘Devil’s Due Steakhouse?’ Anyway, you know me. The Toddster can never pass up a good hunka raw meat. No homo.”

“What was the news?” Libidine prodded further.

“That’s the fucking weird thing, Lib,” he sighed. “He didn’t tell me anything. He made small chitchat about the living in his cramped quarters in the Fourth Circle and how it wasn’t gonna matter soon and how he was gonna be leaving town for a while.”

“Leaving town?” I pondered. “Did he say why? Or when he’d be back?”

“Nope,” Todd said matter-of-factly. “I asked him that, but he just laughed and said I didn’t need to worry about it because, and I quote, ‘you’ll never be seeing anyone ever again.’ Really fucking weird, right?”

My hand tightened into a fist as realization slowly started to creep into my mind.

“And then what?” I growled. “Did he try to hurt you?”

“Hurt me?” The stoned imp’s eyes bulged as he tried to wrap his head around the question. “Jakey, Mr. Ed and I might not see eye to eye all the time, mostly because I’m too short to see his eyes, but we’re not like, arch enemies or anything.”

“So, nothing unusual happened while you were with Gamigin?” Libidine continued. “Nothing that made you suspicious?”

“Not really.” Todd shrugged. “In fact, right after he said that, he put some special steak sauce onto my food! He must not have wanted me to tell Firecracker that her chefs were shit, though, because he did it when I wasn’t looking. But I totally saw the whoooolee thing.”

Libidine and I looked at each other knowingly.

“Did the stuff he put on your steak make it taste like bitter almonds?” I questioned cautiously.

Todd rapped his chin for a moment as his bloodshot eyes stared off into space, and then his mouth fell open with realization.

“Saaaaaayyyy,” he drawled, “it kinda did. I thought it was weird to make my meat taste like a nut. And yes, I totally meant to do that.”

“Cyanide,” I grumbled. “He tried to poison you, Todd.”

“Ohmygosh!” Libidine gasped. “Do I need to go get Superbia? She can heal you up right away!”

“I’m good,” the imp said with a wave of his hand. “I was woozy for a few minutes, but then I felt fine.”

“How are you even alive?” the succubus asked with concern in her voice.

“Lib,” Todd giggled, “do you have any idea the kinda shit I put in my body when I was a human?”

“It’s true,” I admitted. “He accidentally got shot with a horse tranquilizer at a party one time, and he didn’t even realize it until we got home and saw the dart sticking out of his ass.”

“Why were there horse tranquilizers at a party?” Libidine questioned.

“Lib … ” Todd sighed, “Liiiiiibbbbbb. You poor, sweet, innocent soul. You’d never make it where we went to college. It was party central, twenty-four seven.”

“What happened next?” I tried to bring the imp back on track.

“It was weird, Jakey,” my friend said in a moment of clarity. “It was like he didn’t have anything to say after he gave me the special sauce. Like, he just sat there with his hands crossed over his chest, smiling at me with his big-ass horse teeth. Then, after a few minutes, he started to look pissed off. Then he said we were ‘in too public of a place’ and that we needed to be alone.”

“Where did he take you?” I questioned.

“Out to the fucking boonies, bro,” Todd explained. “Somewhere all the way on the outskirts of the city, out by the river. Gag-a-man said it was the perfect place for a stroll, but he was fucking wrong, bro. I snagged my foot on a goddamn vine sticking out of the riverbank, one that was all sparkly glowy with green fire, and almost drowned.”

“Aren’t Gamigin’s powers elemental?” Libidine hinted at the imp, but he didn’t seem to get what she was saying.

“I dunno,” Todd shrugged, “I don’t think I ever saw him use his powers before. Anywho, I get dragged into the river, and all these fucking coldass dead souls tried to pull me under! Thank fuck I used my instastoner magic to shake-n-bake ‘em, and then they let me go. Then, when I got back to the surface, I saw Gag-a-man was preparing to fight off the fuckers with a giant rock! He had it over his head, ready to smash, and everything. Mr. Ed’s been a good horse, bro. You should totally put some extra oats in his feedbag next time.”

“Then what?” I asked as I pinched the bridge of my nose.

“He dropped it and looked all embarrassed-like, and then he suggested that we move away from the River of Souls,” the imp mused, “but then he got all jittery and started talking real fast, almost like he was nervous.”

Libidine and I exchanged another look and then nodded for the imp to proceed.

“Did he bring you back here?” I questioned. “Where is Gamigin now?”

“I wish I knew, Jakey,” Todd admitted. “After we walked away from the River of Souls, we came back into the city and took a little stroll on the Demon’s Walk bridge. But then, get this, Gag-a-man scribbled some shit down on a piece of paper and then tucked it into my pocket while he mumbled something about ‘sending a message.’ I tell ya, bro, Mr. Ed must still be getting used to using his hooves, because he stumbled and accidentally kicked me off the fucking bridge! Thankfully, I had my black voodoo magic and caught myself before I hit the rocky bottom below. When I got back up, the dude was gone. Like, he must have felt reeeeaallly embarrassed for what he did and decided to split before I could lay the smackdown on him.”

“Todd … ” I said calmly as I tried to prepare him for what was coming next, “Gamigin was trying to kill you.”

“Whaaaaaaa?” the imp scoffed. “No way, bro. He just gave me some bad sauce and then took me on a nice walk by the secluded river and accidentally pushed me off a waaaaaaiiiiiiitttttt …”

Tris, Libby, and I held our breaths and stared at Todd for probably half a minute, and I could have sworn I saw the stoned gears churning in his head.

“That bucked-tooth son of a bitch tried to kill me, bro!”

The two succubi and I finally exhaled, but the imp’s beady eyes became wide as saucers as he realized what had happened, and then he began to run his hands through his mess of wiry blond hair. The joint fell from his mouth as he walked over to a nearby window, leaned up against its frame with one arm, and let out a deep sigh.

“You alright, dude?” Tris asked. “It sounds like you’re going through some stuff. Just know that I’m totally comforting you in my head right now.”

“I almost fucking died, bro … ” the imp muttered under his breath. “The Toddster was almost taken out. I almost bit the big kahuna. Did the dance of darkness. Placed my cheeks six feet under.”

“It’s alright,” I reassured the imp, “you were way too strong for--”

“Almost went up to the big weed farm in the sky,” the shaken imp continued. “Choked on the big chode. Kicked the toddler.”

“I’ve never heard any of these expressions,” Libidine whispered into my ear.

“The important thing is that you’re still here,” I comforted the tiny imp. “There’s a reason Gamigin was our Moneyball target, remember? He’s not exactly the most efficient cog in the machine.”

“I guess,” Todd sighed and then took a long drag off his joint. “I guess it’s time for the Toddster to turn over a new leaf. Life’s short, Jakey. I could be doing so much more than smoking five doobies a day, beating off for hours, and making a fucking podcast with hardly any viewers.”

“That’s good to hear, bro,” I nodded, “I think you’ll be way more--”

“I need to be making two podcasts!” the little red imp interjected. “And I could be slappin’ the salami almost ten times as much as I do now. Fuck, maybe I should invest in one of those automatic suctions machines that does it for you. Then again, at that point is it really beating off? It’d feel like being with a stranger … ”

“What did the note Gamigin put in your pocket say, bro?” I asked, but Todd seemed to pay no attention to my words.

“I wonder if I could split the difference and just buy an expensive sex toy,” he pondered aloud. “Then at least it will still be manpowered, but I could maximize the efficiencies of my--”

“Todd, the note!” Libidine snapped as she tried to bring him back to the present.

The imp went silent, and then he turned his head to the side.

“Oh, right,” he mused as he fumbled around in his “pockets.”

Todd’s tongue poked out from his lips as he continued to search for the paper, and then he pulled out a perfectly-rolled joint with an “aha!” It was nearly triple the size of a regular blunt, probably with enough weed inside to put down an elephant.

“I think you’ve had enough for now, bro,” I implored the imp.

“No, no, Jakey,” Todd explained as he began to unroll the blunt, “this is the paper Gag-a-man gave me.”

I watched as Todd carefully unrolled the joint, dumped its ground-up green content into his hand, and then shoved it back into his pocket. Then he extended his stubby arm out to offer me the note.

The thing smelled strongly of the sweet leaf as I took it in my hands and squinted to read the message that had been scrawled on it. Gamigin’s handwriting was god awful, filled with hastily-drawn loops that could have been an “l” or a “b” or an “e” for all I knew. Finally, after about a minute of studying the chicken scratch, I got the general gist of the message.

To King Ralston,

I hope the death of your imp opens your eyes to just how naive you truly are. I went against my gut when I chose to ally myself with you, but I tried to make it work. I didn’t bat an eye when you ignored my strategic advice. I didn’t complain when I saw the obvious favoritism with Mephisto. I remained silent when you brought an angel down into this unholy domain. However, the last straw came when you anointed these … mongrels as your new Demon Lords. To think a succubus or a once-human imp could be my equal is utterly laughable. So, I say “fine.” Have your succubus Demon Lords and your imp lords and your high-ranking Shades. But I will no longer have any part of it. It is an abomination to the natural order of the universe, and I shall henceforth offer my services to Gressil, the King of the Sixth Circle. I know we will see each other on the battlefield eventually, and when that happens, may the best man win.

-Gamigin

P.S.- Even now, as the ambush is taking place, I’m sure you will find your usual way to slither out of death’s grasp. I just hope the Tartaruchi took out some of your slut succubi in the process.

I couldn’t believe it. Actually, yes, I could. Demons were known for being cocky, vain, and backstabbing, but I had given Gamigin power, a place in my council, and promoted him from a fucking scholar to a goddamn Demon Lord.

The ungrateful bastard.

“Gamigin’s working for Gressil now,” I announced to the room. “How the fuck did this happen? Surely, I treated him better than any of the other Demon Kings he could possibly serve. I gave him an entire fucking castle to himself and access to all of my resources and allies.”

“Demon Lords are power hungry and vain, remember?” Libidine reminded me after she read the note. “He thinks you’re ‘soiling the title’ by making us his equal. We knew the whole ‘turning succubi into Demon Lords’ thing was going to ruffle some feathers.”

“I just didn’t expect it to be the feathers of our allies,” I sighed and rubbed my head in frustration.

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much,” Tris called out from the couch. “Gamigin was kinda a dick.”

“Seriously, bro,” Todd added. “This dude sounds like he’s so far up his own ass that he can kiss his own vulva.”

“Uhhhh, I think you mean uvula,” I corrected, but the imp just shook his head.

“I know what I said, bro,” he reasserted.

“We need to go tell the others,” I said decisively. “And then we need to take a little visit to Earth. There’s one person who will know exactly what we’re going through, and exactly how to deal with it.”

Todd’s mouth twisted into a devilish smile.

“Are we thinking about the same person, bro?” he asked. “Are we really gonna go see Raphey boy?”

“We sure are, Todd,” I confirmed. “Next stop, the Velvet Lips.”

Chapter 8

“Earth is such a strange place,” Eligor noted as we pulled up to the Velvet Lips strip club. “You actually go to these places and then pay women to get naked, but you can’t actually have sex with them?”

“Yup,” Todd sighed disappointedly from the passenger seat of Shadow, our black Jeep. “It’s blue-ball city in there, Goldilocks. I bet it’d take the Hoover Dam to stop the collective semen of all the dudes who walk outta there without gettin’ their rocks off.”

“It’s a form of entertainment,” I explained to the Knight of Hell as I ignored the imp. “It’s no different than watching a football game or a nature documentary on TV. Just a little more erotic, that’s all.”

“Bro, if you’re beating off to lions, you might have some repression going on that we need to discuss,” Todd interjected. “There are some websites I could point you to … ”

I wasn’t going to take the imp up on that offer.

“It’s a lovely place,” Cupiditas spoke up from the back seat. “Especially since Superbia here took over and remodeled the entire thing. Lots of good drinks, sexy women, and profit margins that would make your head spin.”

“You’re too kind, Cupiditas,” Sia said with a slight giggle. “I did my best with what was available to me. It helped that we had Robert Quinn’s money and all your leftover winnings from Vegas to do the renovations. If not for that, this club would still be the trashy place it was when we first encountered it.”

“What are you talking about, Strawberry Shortcake?” Todd questioned. “This place was the shit when we first came here! Dollar shots of vodka … music with a bassline so thick it would make Pamela Anderson jealous … a dance floor that was sticky with every sort of liquid known to man … it was awesome. At least you decided to keep all the hot babes.”

“Of course, I did,” Sia mused as I rolled the Jeep into a parking spot. “Megan Miracle certainly lived up to her name. Without her as my head girl, I don’t know how I would have kept this place going.”

“I hear Raphael’s been spending a bunch of time with Megan,” I laughed and slid out of the vehicle. “Metatron thinks she’s one of our generals and that he’s using this place as his main ‘base of operations.’”

My friends and I all shared a hearty laugh at the thought, and then we headed for the door of the club. We were greeted by the bright, neon red sign that hung above the door, a pair of voluptuous lady lips with the establishment’s name right next to it. As we passed through the entrance, the sound of Warrant’s Cherry Pie blared in the air, and our eyes were hit with a mixture of bright, multicolored lights.

“I didn’t realize you kept this song,” I joked to Superbia as we walked past the line of men waiting to get into the main area.

“It’s one of the classics,” Sia shot back. “Cherry Pie … Pour Some Sugar on Me … I’m a Slave 4 U … Hot in Here … You can’t really operate a proper gentlemen’s club without any of those.”

“True that, Strawberry Shortcake,” Todd added. “But have you considered my suggestion to add some Norwegian death metal into the lineup? I think it’d really add some flavor to this place that could make it stand out from the crowd.”

“You’ll have to take that up with Raphael,” Superbia dodged the question. “He’s in charge for right now.”

“Is that … Jacob?” I heard a woman gasp from afar.

I turned around to see a slender, topless blonde woman charging at me at full speed. Her perky breasts bounced in unison as she pranced over to us and then threw her arms around me tightly.

“Good to see you too, Megan,” I chuckled as I took in the sweet vanilla smell of the stripper’s hair.

The topless blonde pulled away, turned to Sia, and then embraced her just as tightly.

“Long time no see, Sia,” she giggled.

“It has been far too long,” the succubus madame mused. “How has the Velvet Lips been doing since I’ve been gone? Are all of you girls doing well? Any incidents with the customers?”

“Not really,” Megan admitted as she stepped back. “This new guy you put in charge actually runs a really tight ship. The girls love him, too. Especially since he gives them the freedom to go off and earn money with their side hustle.”

“Side hustle?” Sia asked with a raised eyebrow. “I hope it’s not that thing Crystal kept asking me about. That would be highly illegal.”

“I’ll, uh, let you talk to the bossman,” the blonde said awkwardly and then turned to the other members of our group. “Nice to see you again, Cupi. And … I don’t think we’ve met before? I dig the metal bikini.”

“Eligor,” the knight said as she reached out and shook Megan’s hand. “I dig your confidence. Not many Earth women are brave enough to walk around with their breasts on display like that.”

“Uh, thanks?” Megan questioned, completely confused.

“She’s not from around here,” Todd quickly explained. “Let’s just leave it at that.”

“Todd!” the woman giggled. “I didn’t even see you down there.”

Megan reached down, scooped the tiny imp up in her arms, and held him close to her chest.

Todd let out a sigh of happiness as he was rocked back and forth by the topless woman, and his grin couldn’t be any wider. When she finally put him back on the ground, the imp crossed his legs in a hurry.

“Fucking hell,” he mumbled underneath his breath, “I thought I had this under control. Yu-gi-oh cards … grandmas in bikinis … the word ‘dollop’ … ”

Thank goodness Megan and the rest of the girls were in on all of this, or else we’d have a lot of explaining to do.

“Where is Raphael, anyway?” I questioned. “We needed to talk to him as soon as possible.”

“He’s actually back in Sia’s office,” Megan explained in a bubbly voice. “Follow me!”

The blonde woman spun around and began to strut toward the back of the club, and my eyes couldn’t help but wander down to her jiggling ass as she moved.

We followed Megan through the pulsating music of the nightclub and through the inconspicuous door marked “private rooms.” She led us past the small, two-person rooms covered from top to bottom with red velvet, and I could hear the soft beat of music coming from behind a few of them.

The girls were making their money today, apparently.

Finally, we came to a silver door labeled “manager,” and Megan rapped on it three times.

“Come in,” I heard the deep, rough voice of Raphael call from the other side.

The stripper opened the door, and we followed her into the large office.

When I saw what was inside, my jaw nearly hit the floor.

The Archangel Raphael was sitting behind the desk, counting stacks of bills nonchalantly with his feet up on the countertop. His black hair, which normally was put up in a man-bun, was now wild as it draped down over his shoulders like a veil. On his head sat a large, purple hat with a white leopard print band and a comically oversized yellow feather tucked underneath. Gone were his normal toga-like robes, replaced now by a white, leopard print coat that matched the band on his hat. The Archangel was also wearing purple-tinted, gold framed sunglasses on the bridge of his nose, and his boots had obvious platforms on them.

“Jakey … ” Todd gasped when he saw the Archangel, “did Gag-a-man kill me? Because nothing in life will ever make me as happy as what I’m seeing right now.”

“I was wondering when you would come to visit.” Raphael’s eyes lit up behind his golden rims when he saw us. “I’ve missed you all. Life’s not as fun when you’re not around, my friends.”

“I’m sorry, but before we get started, I gotta ask,” I jumped ahead in the conversation, “what’s with the outfit? What happened to your robes and SWAT uniform?”

“What do you mean?” Raphael questioned. “Isn’t this standard attire for a gentlemen’s club?”

Todd stifled a giggle, but ultimately kept it together.

“Sure it is,” Megan announced as she walked over and stood by Raphael’s side. “Me and the girls were so appreciative of Raph that we all pitched in and bought him this outfit. It’s a lot more colorful than those drab old bedsheets he used to wear.”

“But it’s still in white!” Raphael announced proudly. “It’s like I’m getting the best of both worlds here. It’s quite delightful.”

“And what exactly are the girls ‘appreciative’ of?” Superbia asked as her eyes narrowed.

Raphael pulled his high tops off the desk, stood up, and hobbled over to the safe in the back of the room.

“Since I’ve taken over, I’ve been able to make the Velvet Lips even more lucrative than it already was,” he explained as he punched in the code. “Believe it or not, our profits for this last quarter are nearly double what they were at this point last year.”

“That’s very impressive,” the redheaded madame agreed. “What do you think is causing this increase?”

“It’s simple,” the Archangel mused as he placed the stacks of bills in the safe, closed it, and then walked back over to his desk. “I gave these women a pep talk. When I first got here, I gathered them all in this office right here and told them things were going to be different. I let them know I wasn’t going to limit their skills to just the dance floor and that I welcomed any sort of innovation they could come up with to make the Velvet Lips the number one spot for gentlemen’s entertainment in the entire southwest! In short, I told them they could get creative with their jobs. After all, I want them to be productive, and you can’t be productive when you’re confined to the tiny box that is the industry norms.”

“In short, Raph said we could freelance!” Megan added happily.

“Freelance how … ?” I asked, though the look on Sia’s face was telling me everything I needed to know.

“By letting the real velvet lips get some action,” Todd whispered loudly, and then he stifled another laugh.

“However they need!” The dark-haired man smiled and clapped his hands together. “I’ve found a more ‘hands off’ management approach seems to work best around here. I let the girls go off and do what they need to do, and then thirty percent of whatever they earn goes back to the club.”

“You’re giving it to the club?” Megan gasped. “How many times have we told you, that money is your cut. Not the club’s. We really don’t want to get the IRS coming in and investigating.”

“I could never take what isn’t mine,” Raph protested with a shrug. “It’s not ethical.”

Suddenly, another stripper popped her head in the door.

“Hey Raph!” she said in a Brooklyn accent. “We got a wise guy out here who just got done with a private session with me, and he ain’t payin’. Get this, he’s telling me I’m a fucking cocktease, even though I know for a fact he got his money’s worth.”

Raphael’s demeanor completely changed. He stood up tall, puffed out his chest, and scowled as he looked down at the stripper.

“You go back there and tell him he plays, he pays,” the Archangel growled. “And if he still doesn’t want to pony up, let him know that the Archangel Raphael is back here, more than willing to set him straight. Remember what I told you, Chastity?”

“Always take what we deserve,” the woman responded, “and by any means necessary.”

The stripper disappeared behind the door, and there was silence for a second.

“What the fuck is going on?” Cupi mouthed silently to me.

Meanwhile, Todd couldn’t hold it in any more. The imp let out a loud guffaw as he fell down onto the ground and began to roll back and forth, slamming his hands and feet into the floor.

“I-I fucking can’t,” he cackled. “I never thought I’d see the day when Raphey boy became a fucking pimp.”

“Pimp?” Raphael gasped. “I would never! How dare you slander the name of an Archangel like that.”

“Raphael is our … coach,” Megan jumped in. “We just give him a cut of our earnings because he’s so damn good at it.”

“And what are you good at, Megan?” Sia asked in a stern tone. “What are you all doing out there that brings in so much more money?”

“Creative liberties,” Raph stated proudly. “They all have free reign to be their true selves and come up with their own dance routines and--”

“We’re fucking the customers,” Megan admitted sheepishly.

Raphael’s mouth fell open in shock, and Todd’s laughter became even more uproarious.

“You-you’re sleeping with them?” the Archangel gasped. “I thought you were just changing up your dance routines and serving them better drinks!”

“Duh we’re sleeping with them,” Megan laughed. “Your tips don’t triple like they have been just because you do an extra strut or twirl in your act.”

“And these clothes?” the Archangel demanded. “Are these even the appropriate attire for a strip club manager, or have I been bamboozled once more?”

Megan pursed her lips and frowned, almost as if she were debating what to say next.

“They’re pimp clothes,” she sighed.

Rapahel stood there dead silent as he rapidly blinked at the stripper. His face was red with embarrassment, and he looked like he was about to break down.

“I need to get these off right now!” he grumbled as he headed for the door. “I’ll be right back.”

The Archangel disappeared into the hallway, and we were left alone in the office.

“Now, Megan … ” Sia began, but the stripper already knew what was coming.

“I know, I know,” the blonde woman sighed. “I’ll go tell everyone we gotta stop. I just figured we could play the new guy and earn some extra dough while we were at it.”

“You’re quite clever, Megan,” Superbia admitted, “but I’d rather not see the Velvet Lips shut down due to illegal activities.”

“Understood, ma’am.” Megan nodded. “I’ll go tell them all now.”

“Wait!” Todd said as he stopped laughing and sprang back to his feet. “I can’t let this opportunity slip by me. If I get out there before you, are the services still honored?”

“Uh, I don’t think--” the blonde began, but Todd was already headed for the door.

“No takesies-backsies,” he cackled as he ran out into the hallway. “Jakey, remind me to borrow a few hundred bucks from you later!”

“Wait--Todd!” Megan called out as she ran after the imp. “You can’t just--Uhhhgg!”

As soon as the rest of the group was out of sight, the four of us still in the room exchanged looks.

“What the fuck just happened?” I laughed. “I feel like I’m in a dream.”

“Are your antics on Earth usually this humorous?” Eligor questioned. “Because I could get used to them if they are.”

“Our Earth adventures were usually a lot more low-stakes,” Cupi spoke up. “Not as much gravitas as all the shit we’ve gone through since we’ve been in Hell. Waaaay more laid back and fun.”

“I dunno,” I shot back, “the stakes sure as fuck felt high when I was literally holding up the Lincoln Memorial with Hellfire and discovering ancient Vatican secrets that hadn’t been unearthed in hundreds of years.”

“Our adventures in Hell have been fun, as well,” Eligor protested defensively. “At least, I know I was having a blast.”

Oh no. Not this again.

Cupi and Eligor had been trying to one-up each other lately, and I was getting kinda tired of it.

But it was okay. I had a perfect solution for this problem, and we were in the perfect place to make it happen.

“I’m sorry for the delay,” Raphael grumbled as he came back into the room, now wearing his traditional white robes. “I had no idea I was wearing the clothing of such a sinner. Anyways, I assume this isn’t just a friendly visit, right?”

“Right,” I confirmed as I watched Raph walk back around the desk and sit down in his chair. “Two things. First, I wanted to know how things are going up here, Earth side.”

“They couldn’t be better,” the Archangel reassured me. “As I’m sure Metatron has informed you, the Cult of Ralston has driven out all other demonic cults in this part of the country. Also, we have not seen a single Daeva in months.”

“Not a single one?” Sia questioned. “I hope that doesn’t mean what I think it means.”

“What?” Cupi asked. “Isn’t it a good thing they aren’t terrorizing the people of Earth anymore? Maybe our forces wiped them all out?”

“Doubtful,” Raphael sighed. “I believe Superbia is inferring that they’re not here because they’ve all been summoned back to Hell.”

“Which means Beelzebub is probably planning on launching his final assault soon.” Sia nodded. “He wants all hands on deck. That’s probably why Gressil sent the Tartaruchi after you and not the Daeva.”

“Ah yes, the Tartaruchi … ” Raph suddenly remembered. “Your cultists ran into a few of those the other day.”

“What?” I demanded. “I thought those fuckers were the protectors of Hell. What were they doing on Earth?”

“If you haven’t noticed,” Eligor spoke up, “the natural laws of the universe have kinda been fucked lately. I mean look at you, turning your succubi into Demon Lords? When people are trying to survive, all bets are off.”

“You turned your succubi into Demon Lords?” Raphael questioned. “That’s--that’s simply brilliant.”

“Thanks,” I chuckled, “it was the obvious solution to our problem. We needed more power, and that required more Demon Lords. The other Demon Lords wouldn’t come over to my side, so I created my own.”

“Things like that are the reason you are a king, Jacob,” Raphael grinned, “and it’s also a reason I’m proud to call you an ally. And a friend.”

“Not to rain on your little bromance here,” Eligor interrupted, “but there was another major reason we came by today. The Demon Lord Gamigin has left our alliance and is now working for Gressil.”

“Of course he has.” Raphael shrugged. “I remember a time many millennium ago where Demon Lords would change their alliance like they changed their clothes. I’m assuming he’s still alive?”

“Unfortunately,” I replied. “He tried to kill Todd and then split to the Sixth Circle or wherever the fuck he decided to go hide. I was just wondering if you had any advice considering, well, you know … ”

“Uriel’s betrayal.” Raph nodded somberly. “It’s a terrible thing, being betrayed by somebody you thought you could trust. I was heartbroken and in disbelief when my Divine brother turned against me, but I also understood it wasn’t my fault. Uriel was going to do whatever Uriel wanted to do. I only have limited exposure to Gamigin, but I’d assume it’s the same way with him.”

“But did you ever think that, I don’t know, you should have seen it coming?” I continued.

“Nope.” Raph shrugged matter-of-factly. “I’ve made peace with the fact that there was nothing I could do, and I’d suggest you do the same. However, there is one thing that I know makes you feel one million times better.”

“And what’s that?” I questioned.

“That moment when you find them and then kick their sorry, traitorous butt,” the Archangel said with a sly smile.

“You know,” I admitted as images of Gamigin’s mangled body flashed through my brain, “I think that would make me feel a million times better. In fact--”

“Raph, can you get out here for a minute?” the voice of a woman called out from the doorway. “There’s a little red dude out here who keeps asking the dancers if they want to play ‘churro in the tamale hole’ with him.”

Raphael rolled his eyes heavily and then stood up from his chair.

“I’ll be right out,” he sighed and began to saunter toward the door. “Make yourselves at home, my friends. Hopefully, I can get this situation under control without any lawsuits.”

As soon as the Archangel was out the door, the four of us began to discuss possibilities.

“Do you think our enemies want to conquer Earth, as well?” Cupi suggested, which drew a scoff from Eligor.

“Please,” the knight sighed, “you of all people should know demons want nothing to do with this festering cesspool you call ‘Earth.’ I would assume Beelzebub is gathering his forces and has deemed the Tartaruchi the most expendable. So, he’s sending them out to do his dirty work right now.”

“That’s a terrible theory,” Cupi shot back. “The Tartaruchi are stronger than the Daeva. There’s no way he would list them as ‘expendable.’”

“Everybody’s expendable in the eyes of a Demon King,” Eligor retorted with a sharp tongue. “Who that group is, however, just depends on what day of the week it is or who pissed the king off last or something like that. There’s no rhyme or reason to any of it.”

“There’s plenty of reason to it!” Cupi protested. “The Tartaruchi are obviously here to--”

“Enough!” I interjected and then stared down both of the blonde women. “Enough with the bickering. Look, I know you two both hold the card of ‘badass blonde warrior,’ but this is getting old. You know what? I think it’s time I implemented ‘Operation Attitude Adjustment.’ Follow me.”

“We’re not--” Cupi began, but I cut her off with a wave of my hand.

“Sia,” I ordered the redhead, “if anyone comes back, just tell ‘em we stepped out for a break.”

“Can do.” The petite woman nodded as a coy smile rose on her face. “I’ll hold down the fort for you, my king.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” I joked, and then I turned around, motioned for the two blondes to follow me, and headed out into the hallway.

I was gonna take these two to one of the private rooms and, by the time we were done, their opinions of each other were gonna be waaaay different.

Chapter 9

“Where are you taking us?” Cupi asked, intrigued yet annoyed by this new course of events.

“We don’t need an ‘attitude’ correction,” Eligor added as we passed through the threshold of the office and back out into the hall. “We’re just playfully bickering, that’s all. You know, like you and Todd do all the time.”

“Todd and I never bicker like that,” I argued. “You guys sound like you wanna tear each other’s heads off every day. There are a lot of things that could be, but ‘playful’ isn’t one of them.”

I led the two blondes through the winding halls until we finally reached a room with a matte black door with no windows. It was so dark that it was almost lost among the walls, the only thing that gave it away was a small brass knob.

The VIP room.

Normally, I would have knocked on the door to make sure it wasn’t occupied, but this was the nicest private room in the house. The only way you could get in was with a key from the manager or one of the “main girls,” and it was reserved for those who were regulars or high spenders at our club.

Instead, I just summoned green Hellfire around the three of us, pictured the interior of the VIP room in my head, and then we vanished in a flash of emerald.

“I’m still not used to that,” Eligor gasped when we reappeared on the other side. “It feels like I was just ripped apart and them put back together, but without any of the pain.”

“You’ll get used to it,” Cupi admitted, “after awhile, it actually starts to feel kind of good.”

The rest of the private rooms were top-quality, made of the highest-grade velvet we could afford and the most crisp sound systems known to man, but the VIP room was on another level.

There was a large, red leather couch against the far wall, and the adjacent walls were covered head to toe with large mirrors. A chrome pole stood at the center of the space, surrounded by four single-person red chairs for those who wished to sit back and enjoy the show. The fourth wall, the one next to the entrance, had a long bar top complete with shelves full of every type of alcohol imaginable. The floor was made up of a soft, velvety material, mostly so the girls were comfortable when they were dancing.

“Why are we in here?” Eligor questioned. “Did you want to berate us somewhere in private? That’s what Lilith always does so ‘it doesn’t undermine my own authority.’”

“I’m not going to berate you guys,” I admitted as I walked over behind the bar and then nodded to the stools in front of me. “Sit.”

Eligor and Cupi obliged, and then I snatched up three crystal glasses and sat them out on the counter before us. Then I turned around and scanned the shelves until my eyes caught the familiar blue-and-gold label I knew so well. I plucked the bottle of Johnnie Walker off the shelf, twisted off the cap, and then poured out three drinks.

“Soooo,” Cupi joked, “we get in trouble, and you serve us drinks? What kind of punishment is this?”

“I hope neither of you wanted it on the rocks,” I laughed as I finished up the pour. “Look, you two know me. I’m not the kind of King who goes around whipping or beating or excommunicating. Hell, I’m not even the kind of guy to give a ‘stern talking to.’ I’m all about the team and, like I told all the newbies during our training exercise, King Ralston’s forces have to operate as one well-oiled machine. We can’t really do that if we’re at each other’s throats all the time, can we?”

“No, I suppose not.” Eligor nodded before she took a long sip of the whiskey. “Then again, I’m not used to working as a part of a team. I’m used to being the one and only number two.”

“Lilith doesn’t have any other servants?” I questioned before I pressed the glass to my mouth and tilted it back.

The whiskey was as smooth as silk, full, yet soft, and ridiculously warm without any sort of overwhelming alcohol aftertaste. If this had been my first time drinking, I probably would have just chugged the whole bottle then and there. But I knew way better.

I couldn’t really “fix” this problem if I was passed out on the floor drunk.

“Of course not,” Eligor explained. “She may be the first succubus, but she’s still a Demon Queen. My mistress likes to keep things close to her chest, so to speak. To this date, I am her lone servant, which is why I thought it was surprising that she wanted to ally herself with you.”

“How does that work?” I continued and poured myself another drink. “Are you seriously telling me the third-most-powerful force in Hell is made up of a whopping two demons?”

“It’s all she needs.” Eligor shrugged. “Lilith is arguably the most powerful demon next to Lucifer. The argument could have been made for Azazel, but, well, we all know what happened there.”

“Which means Jacob is the second most powerful being in Hell now?” Cupi gasped with surprise in her voice.

“Arguably.” The knight shrugged and then finished her drink. “That’s why there’s such a power vacuum right now. Every single Demon King is trying to fill that void, but none of them have stepped up to the plate. Well, two of them have … ”

“Me and Beelzebub.” I nodded.

“Yep,” Eligor agreed before she motioned for a refill. “The rumblings around Hell are that one of you two will step up and take your place at Lucifer’s side. That’s probably why everyone down there seems to be picking one side or the other.”

“I’m just glad you and your mistress are on our side,” I admitted. “I really, really didn’t want to fight the second and third strongest beings in Hell.”

“Nor would I,” the knight chuckled, “but hey, it could be worse. At least neither of you are trying to go up against the most powerful being in Hell!”

Cupi and I exchanged a glance as we chuckled awkwardly.

“That is our end goal, though,” I scoffed. “And Beelzebub’s. It’s kinda ironic, isn’t it? The two forces that stepped up to the plate to become Lucifer’s right-hand man both have ambitions of overthrowing him.”

“But for very different reasons,” Cupiditas reminded me. “Jacob is doing it so he can eliminate another evil demon bastard. Beelzebub is doing it because he wants to overthrow Lucifer and the Exalted One and rule as the king of all things.”

“I just had a crazy thought,” Eligor admitted grimly. “Remember how you said Lucifer showed himself to you and helped you along on your mission to kill Azazel?”

“Yeah … ” I nodded, though I had no idea where this was going.

“Well, what if Lucifer went to Beelzebub, too?” the blonde knight suggested. “What if he gave the exact same speech to the Lord of the Flies and is watching him just as closely as he’s watching us?”

A pit opened up in my stomach as the possibility crossed my mind.

“That sounds like a very Lucifer-like thing to do,” I growled. “I wouldn’t put it past the fucker. But I’m his son … What does Beelzebub have that I don’t?”

“An army of demons and an alliance with the strongest Demon Kings of Hell, for one,” a voice spoke up from the other side of the room and caused me to jump.

My eyes darted to the back of the room and, sure enough, there was my father.

Lucifer was sitting on the leather couch with his arm draped over the back nonchalantly. He had his legs crossed over each other formally, and his right hand held a glass of some unknown drink. He raised his glass into the air in a toast before he nodded, took a drink, and then placed it on a nearby table.

My heart hammered in my chest as I watched the Prince of Darkness stand up from the couch. The color drained from my face, and I felt myself break out in a cold sweat.

“Jacob?” Eligor asked as she looked back and saw there was nothing there. “What’s the matter?”

Lucifer walked over behind Eligor and placed his hands on the back of her shoulders.

“This one right here is quite the clever girl,” he stated with a devilish grin. “I see why Lilith chose her to be second in command. But the real question is … did the Demon Queen hitch her horse to the correct cart? That’s up to you to decide, my son.”

“Hey!” Eligor called out as she snapped her fingers in my face. “You still with us, Jacob?”

“Uh-oh,” Cupi giggled. “Is this what Jacob looks like drunk? I don’t think I’ve ever seen that happen before.”

“I-I’m fine,” I reassured the girls as Lucifer sauntered over to the door of the VIP room.

“You have lofty ambitions, son,” Lucifer mused as he surrounded himself with green Hellfire. “I would say I’m proud of you but, well, it’s not really my place to be all mushy-mushy. That’s what the big moron upstairs is for. May the best demon be victorious. I know he will be.”

The Devil began to chuckle to himself as he turned and walked through the door as if it were made of fog.

Then all was silent.

“Jacob, do I need to go get Sia?” Cupi pleaded with concern in her voice. “Are you feeling okay?”

“I just--I just need to sit down for a minute,” I explained and walked back around the front of the bar.

I stumbled over to the couch where Lucifer had just been, and for a brief second I swore I caught a whiff of sulfur. The smell disappeared almost as quickly as Lucifer himself as I sat down on the leather seat.

The two blonde women exchanged looks of concern before they walked over and sat down beside me. Eligor sat on my right and Cupi sat on my left, but they both wore worried expressions on their faces.

“Is there anything I can do to help, my love?” Cupiditas asked. “You look troubled.”

My heartbeat turned into a drum as I thought about all the dirty, sexy things Cupi could do to cheer me up. That was why I had brought them back here, after all.

The succubus must have read my mind, because she bit her lip and began to run her hand along my inner thigh.

“Whooooaaaa,” Eligor said as she put her hands up into the air. “You’re just gonna do that right here in front of me?”

“Don’t be a wet blanket,” the blonde succubus shot back as she placed her hand against my crotch, and my erection began to grow. “I know you’ve seen this before. My King is in distress, and it’s my job to make him feel better. You can stay or you can go, but nothing is going to keep me from doing what I need to do.”

Eligor’s eyes went wide as her mouth turned down into a pout, but she didn’t leave. Actually, her eyes were filled with veiled curiosity as she watched the succubus begin to unbuckle my belt.

My body felt like it went onto pins and needles as Cupi slid my pants down and freed my massive rod from its fabric prison.

Cupi took my cock in her hands, stared up into my eyes with her violet orbs, and then began to stroke tenderly in short, sporadic pumps.

I leaned my head back and let out a moan of satisfaction as my thoughts turned away from all of the awful things in life and onto the moment at hand.

The blonde’s tongue flicked out of her mouth like dog salivating over a treat, and then she placed the warm, wet appendage against my dick. She slowly ran it up and down the sides before she jumped over to the other, but not before she stopped at the tip and licked off the precum that had amassed. As she furiously licked me like a lollipop, the succubus made sure to rub her hands all along my inner thighs.

The sensation made my balls tighten in excitement, and I heard Eligor let out a gasp from beside me.

“What?” I asked coyly as I stared at the blonde knight. “If I remember correctly, you’ve done something similar to me in the past.”

Cupi stopped what she was doing, grabbed my cock firmly, and then offered it to Eligor.

“I-I’ve never been with … ” Eligor stammered. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

“Suit yourself.” Cupi shrugged, and then she threw her mouth down onto my dick so far down that her lips touched my pelvis.

I clenched up and tightened my grip on the couch as the world began to spin around me. Then I realized what I needed to do.

Eligor was nervous, but I knew from past experience that she wasn’t too shy. She and I had made love multiple times before, and each time had been beyond fantastic.

It looked like she just needed a little motivation.

So, I reached over, placed my hand against the back of Eligor’s head, and pulled her in close. She let out a small gasp of surprise, but the second her soft lips touched my own, she began to shove her tongue into my throat.

We kissed intensely as Cupiditas continued to suck my dick like an out of control vacuum, and then I reached behind the knight, unfastened the snaps of her armor, and felt her bra fall away. Her nipples were already erect, so I ran my finger along each one passionately.

Eligor let out a stifled moan of pleasure before she started to explore my mouth more vigorously with her tongue.

“Holy fuck … ” Cupi mused as she let my dick fall from her mouth. “Those things are fucking perfect.”

I pulled away from the knight and looked down to see Cupiditas staring in awe at Eligor’s naked chest. The succubus bit her lip excitedly as she watched me rub Eligor’s breasts, almost as if she wished to switch places.

“Come up here and try them,” I ordered.

Cupiditas didn’t need to be told twice.

The second the words left my mouth, Cupi was up on her feet. Then she ran one hand along Eligor’s breast as she took her left nipple between her lips and sucked tenderly. At the same time, Cupi continued to multitask and stroked my cock in a slow, delicate fashion.

The blonde knight let out a groan of pleasure and then hesitantly lifted her hand up to run it through her teammate’s short golden locks.

Seeing the two beautiful women in the throes of passion made my dick grow even harder, and I felt myself already approaching the edge of the cliff.

Finally, Eligor completely gave into her desires. She gave Cupi’s hair a soft yank, pulled her up so they were at eye level, and then began to kiss her passionately.

Still in Cupi’s grasp, I reached over, grabbed the succubus’ waistband, and then pulled them down to expose her tight little ass. Then I lifted her up into the air, positioned her over my erection, and slowly slid her down onto it.

“Ohhhh!” Cupi let out a groan of excitement as my cock spread open her warm tunnel, and I felt her spasm around me. She moved herself up onto her shins so she was riding me reverse-cowgirl style, and then she started to thrust her hips up and down. Her tight ass jiggled sexily against my erection as she moved, and I tried my best not to explode right then and there.

Eligor, not wanting to miss out on the action, wobbled off the couch, pulled off the lower half of her armor, and then got down on her knees.

“I’ve never done this before,” she warned as she bit her lip and watched Cupi’s pussy grind my manhood. “You’ll have to tell me if I’m any good at it.”

“Trust me, honey,” Cupi purred through her pants of passion, “I’ll let you know.”

Then Eligor lowered her head down and disappeared. Suddenly, I felt her tongue flit back and forth between my balls and what I assumed was Cupiditas’ clit.

Both me and the succubus unleashed gasps of surprise that slowly turned to groans of pleasure.

I sat up straight on the couch, wrapped my hands around Cupiditas from behind, and then got to work nibbling on her neck while I ran my hands up her shirt. My fingers brushed over her chiseled, flat tummy before they flicked across her erect nipples and then finally made their way over her blonde head. Once her shirt was off, I tossed it to the side, removed my own, and then pressed my body tightly against hers as I kissed her back and neck.

Cupi seemed to stop breathing for a second as her body began to tense, and her pussy started to quiver around me. Then she arched her back, thrust down on me even harder, and let out the loudest, most earth-shattering moan I’d ever heard. Her tight tunnel became a vice around my cock, and I couldn’t hold back any more.

The next time the succubus’ hips went down, I grabbed them and held them there. Then I felt my balls uncoil as I unloaded a geyser of cum into Cupi’s pussy, and it was so much that even Eligor gasped in surprise.

“Wow … ” I heard the knight observe, and then I felt her lick the base of my shaft one last time.

Cupi fell backward onto my chest, and we both went back into the couch. She turned her head over her shoulder as she kissed me passionately, and her body became Jell-O in my arms.

Finally, Eligor made a throat-clearing sound.

“Well?” she asked playfully. “How’d I do?”

“Ten out of fucking ten,” Cupi panted. “Are you sure you’ve never done that before?”

“Nope,” the knight shrugged, “but, uh … we’re not done yet, right? I’ve heard your tongue is legendary … ”

Cupi and I exchanged a sly grin, and then we turned back to Eligor.

“Not by a long shot,” I explained as I felt my erection returning.

Cupiditas stood up and rolled over so she was sitting on the couch next to me. The, she slapped my naked thigh playfully.

“You’ll have to clean him off first,” she purred. “I’d hate to leave a mess.”

Eligor moved forward on her knees, grabbed my semi-erect dick, and then thrust her mouth over it in a flash. Her blonde locks bobbled as she sucked and licked away at my cock.

“Oh, damn. That feels great.” Within seconds, I was back to full mast, but Eligor wasn’t done.

The blonde knight kept going to town on me, and her deep green eyes stared up into mine the whole time.

Then she finally made her move.

Eligor stood up, motioned for me and Cupi to move, and then laid down happily. She spread her legs wide, and I could see she was as wet as the Atlantic. In one swift motion, Eligor threw out her legs, wrapped them around my waist, and pulled me closer. At the same time, she outstretched her hands, slapped them against Cupi’s ass, and moved the succubus so she was straddling her face.

“There is another place that has cum I need to lick clean,” the knight whispered.

“Ohh, yummm.” Cupiditas’ face lit up hungrily as soon as she understood that Eligor was going to drink my cum out of her pussy, and then she bent down so she and Eligor were in a “sixty-nine” position.

The next thing I knew, the succubus’ slender hand was grabbing my cock and then guiding it inside the walls of Eligor’s tight, warm tunnel.

I pushed inside of the knight as far as I could possibly go, until I bottomed out and felt the tip of my penis hit her cervix. I started to pump slowly in and out of the blonde woman as I watched Cupi’s mouth go to work on her clitoris.

At the same time, Eligor’s hands came around and gripped against Cupi’s ass tightly as she pulled the succubus down onto her face.

After a few minutes of pumping my rock-hard rod in and out of Eligor and watching the girls pleasuring each other, I saw Cupi raise her violet eyes and open her mouth, nearly begging for me to fill it.

I pulled myself out of Eligor’s pussy and then shoved my dick into the succubus’ mouth. She nearly gagged at the motion as her eyes rolled back into her head, and she rubbed forcefully at her teammate’s slit.

I alternated between Cupi’s mouth and Eligor’s pussy for the next few minutes, taking in the pleasure of both of my women as I felt the warm coil of passion boil up in my pelvis.

Eligor’s body began to grow rigid underneath us, and I knew she was almost to the edge.

Cupi and I just had to get her there.

The blonde succubus let my dick slip from her mouth. Next, she grabbed it, guided me into Eligor’s pussy, and then went back to work against the knight’s love button.

Finally, Eligor’s mouth pulled away from Cupi, and she let out a few muffled whimpers. The walls of her tunnel spasmed as she orgasmed, and I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

I felt my entire lower half lock up as my cock sent a gusher of warm seed inside of her. My second orgasm was somehow more powerful than my first, and I must have filled the long-haired blonde with a gallon of my seed.

“Oh, fuck,” Eligor groaned. “That’s a lot of cum, Jacob. Ohh, it keeps filling me. Wow. Sooooo goooood.”

Both of the women moaned as we climaxed for a full minute, and then I tossed my hand down against the side of the couch to keep myself from falling

“Damn,” I whispered as I slid out of the knight with a wet shlock.

“Oops!” Cupi giggled as she watched the whole thing. “We don’t wanna get any stains on here.”

The succubus bent down and licked up the cum that was oozing out of Eligor. Then she sat up, made an “mmmm” sound, and smiled excitedly.

“I … I don’t think we’re going to have any more problems from here on out,” Eligor panted as Cupi got off her face.

“Not at all,” the blonde succubus purred. “In fact, if Eligor is going on a mission, I want to be there just in case this opportunity arises. Jacobs’ cum tastes great fresh out of his cock, but licking it from your pussy tastes wonderful too. I definitely never wanna miss this again.”

“Agreed,” Eligor hummed.

The two blonde women crawled over so they could be on top of me, and then they collapsed into my chest. The three of us laid there for several more minutes, a mass of naked bodies that did nothing but enjoy each other’s touch.

I’d always laughed at Todd when he mentioned my “Power of the Penis,” but now I was starting to think he was onto something. My plan had worked, all thanks to the love my women had for me.

“Alright, guys,” I sighed after a while. “We should probably go back out there and find everyone before they start to wonder what happened to us.”

“Please,” Cupi giggled as she stood up and walked over to her clothes, “they know exactly where we are and exactly what we’re doing. Mostly because they’ve all done it before.”

“Todd surely knows what’s happening,” Eligor added, “and even Raphael couldn’t possibly be that dense.”

“Probably not, but you never know,” I admitted. “I just don’t wanna keep everyone waiting. Even if I’m having the time of my life with two sexy ladies.”

“If it’s any consolation,” Cupi cooed as she seductively slid her pants back on with a wiggle of her hips, “I had a really fucking good time, too.”

“I did as well.” Eligor nodded while she snapped the back of her metal bikini armor into place. “I can’t believe I’d been missing out on stuff like this my entire life.”

“That’s what happens when you’re a fallen angel and not a full-fledged succubus,” Cupi giggled and slapped the knight on the shoulder playfully. “We’re quite literally built to please.”

“I dunno,” Eligor shot back with a grin, “I think Jacob would tell you I please pretty well.”

“Now, see?” I chuckled and pulled on my pants. “That would be playful banter. Funny, lighthearted, and not an ounce of snark in sight. More of that would be awesome moving forward.”

“Oh, there will be more of that moving forward.” Cupi grinned and ran her hand along Eligor’s cheek. “Much, much more.”

I felt my pants tightening against my cock, and I thought for a brief second, I could have gone another round.

But, sadly, we needed to get back to the others.

Once I was fully dressed, I walked up to the door, opened it up from the inside, and then stepped aside as I let the two blonde women out. However, when we got back to the office, nobody was there.

“Huh,” I noted. “I hope Todd’s not getting into too much trouble out there … ”

We exited the office, walked through the winding halls of the backstage of the club, and then headed out to the dance floor. No sooner had we stepped out into the neon lights did Cupi point over to the left.

“There they are!” she exclaimed.

I looked over and saw Todd, Raphael, and Superbia were all sitting in a horseshoe-shaped booth. Todd’s tongue was out of his mouth as he watched the naked servers and dancers walking by, but he seemed to be behaving himself.

Meanwhile, Raphael looked cool as a cucumber, with a bottle of clear liquid in one hand as he leaned forward and watched the people walking by. He was obviously gawking at all of these Earth women, too, but he tried to act like he wasn’t.

“Tried” was the key word.

Superbia, on the other hand, didn’t give a fuck. She sipped from her martini glass as her purple eyes darted around the room, making sure every employee in the club was performing their duties as assigned. The only time her cold expression broke was when she saw us approaching.

“I think they found us.” She smiled and alerted her companions.

“Alright, give it to me straight, Jakey … ” Todd said. “How much cleaning is needed in that VIP room? Do we need to go whole hog and call in the crime scene people? They’re really good about getting bodily fluid outta things. Don’t ask me how I know.”

“I’m usually not one to kiss and tell--” I began, but the imp cut me off.

“Fine, I’ll bite,” he sighed. “Todd Jr. left a few stains on the underside of my desk that wouldn’t come off, even with fucking paint stripper. Paint stripper, bro! So, one time when you were out, I had to call in the experts. They charged me an arm and a leg, but I’ve used them like, ten times since. I dunno what’s happened to my schlong since the transformation, but it’s like I’m spittin’ milky acid or something like that.”

“I-I really didn’t need to know that,” I gagged.

“Nor did I, Todd,” Raphael added with a grotesque look on his face. “The consistency and chemical composition of your semen is, as they call it here on Earth, ‘TMI.’”

“Totally Motherfucking Inspirational?” Todd gasped. “Thank you, Raph!”

“Right … ” the Archangel sighed, and then he turned back to me. “I hope you had a wonderful time in our VIP room, Jacob. Were the facilities to your satisfaction?”

“Sure.” I nodded awkwardly. “Did I miss anything important while we were gone?”

“Nothing much,” Superbia spoke up. “I mostly just sat here and held down the fort while Raphael chased Todd around the club.”

“He was not ‘chasing me,’ Strawberry Shortcake,” the imp protested. “He was just following me around yelling at me to stop bothering the ladies on the dance floor. Which I so respectfully did, bro.”

“You asked every single stripper out there if they wanted to, and I quote, ‘Box the one-eyed champ until the bell rang,’” Raphael shot back.

“Well duh, Raphey,” Todd snickered. “I couldn’t just straight-up ask ‘em to blow me. I like to think I’m an imp with a bit more sophistication than that, bro. I keep it classy.”

“You can think it all you like,” the Archangel grumbled under his breath.

“Besides,” Todd continued, “nothing happened, anyways. Apparently, none of ‘em were tall enough to ride the Toddster today.”

“Nor will they ever be,” Raphael retorted. “Their little ‘side hustle’ is no more. I can’t believe they were running a prostitution ring right under my nose!”

“Under your nose?” Todd cackled. “Bro, your nose was shoved up in that shit like it was cocaine and you were a CEO from the eighties. You probably wore a lotta the same outfits, too.”

“I had nothing to do with--” Raph began to protest, but he was cut off by the imp jumping up on the table.

“You didn’t even know what you had till it was gone, Raphey!” he exclaimed and shook his fists to the sky. “Now all these poor saps in the club tonight are gonna have to take their blue balls home and beat off to some sad video on the internet. Do you know how hard it is to choke the chicken with whiskey dick, bro?”

“I-I can’t say I--”

“Do you?” Todd shouted as he grabbed the Archangel by the shirt. “It’s like trying to handle a big, fleshy earthworm, bro. A big, fleshy, dead earthworm that you squeeze and watch its guts squish out like toothpaste.”

Raphael made an audible gagging sound and began to heave as if he were about to blow chunks all over the ground. He held up his hand to let us know he was good, but then he continued to heave for a solid minute.

“I-I think I’m alright,” he reassured us after he semi regained his composure. “That visual was just t-too much.”

From the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw a man approaching in a dark navy robe. Around his waist was a leather belt with a buckle that bore the head of a goat, and attached to it was a dagger with the same motif.

It was a member of the Cult of Ralston.

“Raphael!” he called out as he approached. “I have--”

Raphael held up his finger once more as he lurched over and tried not to hurl. This time, he coughed so loudly everyone around us turned to see what was going on.

“P-Please go on,” Raph coughed.

“Uh--Master Ralston!” the man gasped as his eyes locked on me. “So good to be graced by your presence.”

“Thank you, my humble servant.” I nodded. “What were you going to tell us?”

“I come with urgent news,” the cultist explained. “One of our teams out near Mesa was just attacked!”

“Attacked?” Raphael suddenly stood up and fully regained his composure. “I thought you had pushed all the other cults out of the Southwest?”

“We did,” the man replied. “These weren’t cultists. They were some sort of monsters with ashy white skin and red eyes, and they all were carrying some sort of pitchforks!”

“Tartaruchi,” I growled. “When did this happen? Are they still there?”

“Literally less than an hour ago,” he explained. “Mesa’s only about twenty minutes from here, so if you hurry, you might still be able to do something about it.”

“Were there any casualties?” Cupiditas asked.

“That’s the weird thing,” he said as he shook his head. “They weren’t looking to kill anybody. Almost like--”

“They were sending us a message,” Eligor finished. “They want Jacob to come and find them.”

“Well then,” I announced to my team, “let’s not keep them waiting.”

“I shall come along, too,” Raphael confirmed. “Having Tartaruchi up here on Earth is problematic for many, many reasons, and I want to find out just what they are up to.”

“As much as I’d love to stay here and check out all these hot babes,” Todd sighed, “you know an adventure isn’t an adventure without the Toddster. I’m in.”

We all looked over at Sia, but the redhead just recoiled.

“When have I ever not come along?” she joked. “Besides, you will most certainly need a healer.”

“That just leaves the club,” Raph noted as he turned to the cultist. “There’s a topless woman around here with blonde hair. Go find her and tell her I will be leaving for the night, and that she’s in charge until I get back. Do that, and there will be a bountiful reward in it for you.”

“Got it!” The cultist saluted before he turned around and ran off into the crowd.

“Uh, Raphey?” Todd snickered. “You literally just described half the chicks in this club, bro.”

“What do you mean?” Raphael protested. “That was a perfect description of Megan Miracle.”

“Riggggghhhht,” the imp shot back, “I’m interested so see what Bubbles or Carolyn or Trixi does with the place while we’re gone.”

We headed out of the club, and the hot Arizona sun beat down on us the second we left the building. The air around us was dry and warm, and there was a certain electricity in the atmosphere as we walked toward Shadow.

It was a good day to go demon hunting.

Chapter 10

“Bro, I was just thinking about something … ” Todd mused as I sped down route sixty at break-neck speeds. “Who decided the most dangerous weapon to give the Tomigachi was a fucking pitchfork? Do they specialize in killing Frankenstein’s monster or some shit like that?”

“They aren’t pitchforks, Todd,” Superbia explained from the backseat. She was crammed between Raphael and Eligor, but she seemed to be keeping up her cheery demeanor. “They’re tridents, and they are symbolic of Lucifer himself. I’ve never seen it for myself, but apparently his weapon of choice is a ten-foot long trident that is constantly ablaze with black Hellfire.”

“How can he wield a weapon that large?” I questioned as I glanced back at the succubus in the rear-view mirror. “He’s only about a foot taller than I am.”

“Wait,” Eligor interrupted. “What form did Lucifer reveal himself as? A human male?”

“That’s right,” I replied. “He basically looked like he did as Plato, only without the robes and the crazy beard.”

“That’s not his true form,” the knight shot back. “That’s not even close to his true form.”

“Lucifer is a shapeshifter, Jacob,” Superbia explained. “He just takes on a human form when he’s speaking to you because that’s what you know the best. In reality, he can be whatever he wants to be, but his true form is only reserved for those in his inner circle.”

“Brrrrooooo,” Todd gasped. “What if Lucifer is really like, a super-hot demon chick with six titties? Or maybe he’s a Buffalo Bill motherfucker who wears human skin all over his body and tucks his junk between his legs when he dances. Orrrrr, he could even be a fucking llama, bro. How crazy would it be if Lucifer was a llama?”

“He’s not a llama,” Sia reassured the imp. “I’ve never met Lucifer before, but I can assure you he’s not one of those.”

“I’ve met him a few times when Lilith was allowed to bring a ‘plus one’ to her meetings,” Eligor shuddered. “He’s every bit as horrifying as you’d imagine.”

“But what does he look like, Goldilocks?” Todd begged. “I’ve got a bet goin’ with that pig-fucker Chort. He thinks the guy looks like a big red dude with goat horns and hooves, but I think he looks like a sunburnt Dr. Phil.”

“Dr. Phil?” I guffawed. “You think my father’s true form is a bald, out of shape Texan with a comically large mustache?”

“It’s always the ones you least expect, bro,” Todd noted with a waggle of his finger. “And I don’t trust Dr. fucking Phil one bit.”

“From what I’ve pieced together,” Eligor continued, “your human portrayals are fairly accurate. He is a large, red, muscular demon with giant horns and an enchanted trident. His eyes are as black as the Hunter’s Plains, and his hands are so large that they look like they could crush you in seconds … On second thought, I don’t want to talk about this.”

“So … No Dr. Phil?” Todd asked sadly.

“Doesn’t sound like it, bro,” I chuckled and patted Todd on the shoulder. “I hope you didn’t bet too much money on it.”

“I don’t gamble with that worthless, mortal shit, Jakey,” the imp sighed and stared off into space. “I only deal in things much more valuable. I have to send him four crates of my best weed.”

“Tristitia isn’t gonna like to hear that,” Cupi whistled.

“I’ve never understood this affinity for the Devil’s Lettuce,” Raphael scoffed. “It’s just a plant that makes you goofy. If you really wanted to feel a spiritual high, you could just do yoga, eat healthy, pray, and get nine hours of sleep a day like the rest of us.”

The car went quiet as we all silently judged the Archangel.

“I’d rather die,” Todd finally spoke up. “The day Todd Masterson gives up on weed and artery-clogging food is the day that he unsheathes himself from this mortal coil.”

“Uh, you’re a demon now,” Cupi corrected him. “You don’t have a ‘mortal coil’ anymore.”

“I believe this is the place!” Raphael interjected as he pointed to the large green sign on the interstate.

He was right. This was the exit for Mesa, Arizona.

“Where do you think the Tartaruchi are hiding?” Eligor asked as we pulled off onto the exit.

“They won’t be hiding,” I growled. “If they really want us to come out and find them, they’re going to make sure their message is being sent loud and clear. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they had already found us.”

“Fucking Tomigachi,” Todd grumbled. “I don’t get why these fuckers are givin’ you such a problem, Jakey. Usually, you just forget to feed ‘em, and they die on their own.”

“I just want to know why they are here, on Earth, breaking interdimensional law,” Raphael added.

The Archangel had changed into his battle outfit before we left, his standard-issue, pure white SWAT uniform. He had his trusty FAMAS slung over his back, and the Archangel’s belt and pockets surely carried all sorts of deadly goodies. He may have been a tad clumsy and innocent at times, but one thing was for sure.

I’d never want to be on the opposite side of the battlefield against him.

We pulled into the town of Mesa, and it was much more quaint than I would have guessed. There were a few large hotel buildings, but everything else seemed to be a one or two story structure. There were no skyscrapers, no trains, no large buses … it was a strange target for the Tartaruchi to choose.

At least, that’s what I thought until I saw the banner that hung over their city square.

Mesa Halloween Festival - Today!

Shit. This may not have been a large city, but this thing was definitely going to draw in a lot of people from Phoenix and the surrounding areas. As we grew closer to downtown, I saw it first hand.

The streets were wall-to-wall with people bustling about as they ran to the different vendors. There were families with small children, seniors, and everyone in between.

This was the perfect place for the Unholy Trifecta to make their fucking statement. Whatever the fuck that might be.

“Todd,” I started, “can you make us completely invisible? Like, the whole car?”

“Why would we need to do that, bro?” the imp protested. “That sounds like an accident waiting to happen, and I refuse to be an accessory to vehicular manslaughter again.”

“Again?” I questioned, but then I realized I probably didn’t want to know. “I just want you to turn us invisible so we can sneak into the festival, that’s all. I dunno about you, but I don’t want to waste time waiting in line to pay for parking or at the fucking ticket booth.”

“Fair enough,” Todd shrugged, and then he placed his tiny mitt onto the door of the car, “but just for the record, I’m bailing the second I hear one ‘thump.’ Ahheeeem. Henshin a go-go, baby!”

Suddenly, there was a strange feeling in the air as everything seemed to go silent. I pulled up to the little booth with the parking attendant and then rolled right on by when I realized he couldn’t see us. Then I followed the road back to a small gate with a sign that read vendors only.

As if that had ever stopped me before.

I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, snapped the lock off the hinge, and then opened the gate with a flick of my wrist. Next, I drove Shadow up the road until we were all the way on the other side of the festival. Then I quickly turned down an alley, threw Shadow in park, and looked around at my friends.

“We need a new plan of attack,” I explained. “I didn’t realize there were so many people here, and I have a bad feeling the Tartaruchi are going to make their move the second they see we’ve arrived.”

“What do you suggest?” Raphael asked curiously. “Obviously, I think one of us with wings should circle the perimeter and try to neutralize any threats before they occur.”

“I can do that,” Cupiditas volunteered. “My abilities might not be the most equipped for the job, but Raphael and Eligor’s’ fighting skills will be needed on the frontlines, as will Sia’s healing abilities.”

“What about me, my bodacious blonde?” Todd asked with a hint of excitement in his voice.

“You, uh … ” the succubus pondered as she tried to come up with something. “You just do you, Todd.”

“I do ‘do me,’” the imp cackled. “Sometimes multiple times in one day.”

“Okay, so Cupi’s got the perimeter,” I explained. “Sia, I want you to take one of the rooftops that’s in view of the festival. If one of us gets hurt, we’ll still be in the line of sight for you to use your healing spell on us. That just leaves me, Eligor, Raph, and Todd to be on the ground fighting.”

“That should be more than enough,” Eligor noted. “The four of us can more than handle the Tartaruchi.”

“I know that,” I agreed, “but so do they. These guys aren’t going to try and face us one-on-one. They know they’d lose. So instead, I’d almost guarantee you they’re going to use these people as a human shield. We need our attacks to be swift, precise, and with no collateral damage whatsoever.”

“That means you can’t bust out Hellslayer, Raphey,” Todd said as he looked back at the Archangel.

“Wait,” I chuckled, “is that the name of your gun?”

“Of course it is,” Raphael said proudly. “You all got to name your weapons, so I figured I’d name my FAMAS ‘Hellslayer.’ What do you think? I’d say it’s fairly fitting, considering it slays creatures who come from Hell.”

“It’s fucking badass,” I reassured the Archangel, “but Todd’s right. Shooting off a machine gun in a crowded festival is probably not the best idea.”

“I agree,” Raph nodded. “I suppose that means I must stick with David on this mission. That’s what I named my Divine Light powered Bowie knife.”

“I see what you did there, bro,” Todd snickered. “Though, I personally would have gone with ‘Starman’ or ‘Ziggy’ or even ‘Major Tom.’ You know what? We can work on your naming abilities after we kill all these Tomigachis. Maybe I’ll even record it and submit it to TED talks or some shit like that.”

“Just so we’re clear, we need to try and be as stealthy as we can be with these kills,” I explained. “The Tartaruchi already know our faces, but this little festival might just play to our advantage … Todd? You wanna go all invisible and grab us some costumes?”

“It’d be my honor, Jakey!” the imp gasped and then threw open the door before I could say another word.

He somersaulted off Cupi’s lap and turned invisible before he even hit the ground. After that, all we could hear was his muffled snickers as he ran off toward the festival.

“I immediately regret that decision,” I groaned as realization hit me. “He’s probably gonna come back with a fucking giant hot dog costume or some shit like that.”

“Nah,” Cupi giggled, “it’s Todd. The best we’re probably going to get is Bob Marley and a giant pot leaf.”

“What I don’t get is this,” Raphael spoke up, “if the Tartaruchi have already driven out your cultists and are here in Mesa, why are the regular mortals not fleeing? Normally, if they saw a demon, they would be scared out of their minds.”

“Not at this sort of festival,” I explained. “It’s Halloween, so nobody’s gonna look twice at a scary demon walking around. In fact, I bet they’re getting complimented on their costumes right about now. It’s actually kinda genius on their part.”

“I think you mean it’s genius on the part of Gressil,” Eligor corrected. “The Tartaruchi may be sentient beings, but they do little thinking for themselves.”

We waited nervously inside of our black Jeep for what felt like hours. Then we finally heard an obnoxious rapping coming from the passenger side of the car, accompanied by somebody whistling the COPs theme song.

I nodded to Cupi, and the succubus opened the door.

“I got the stuff,” Todd giggled as he hopped back up into the seat beside Cupi. “I went to the nearest store I could find and grabbed shit that I think will make us look muy excellente.”

“Dare I ask what costumes you grabbed?” I asked with a sigh.

“Nothing too crazy.” The imp shrugged. “For you, Jakey, I grabbed a costume fit for a king.”

The imp rustled in the plastic sack that he was carrying and then came up with a packaged costume. As I took it from his hands and inspected it closely, I couldn’t help but groan.

It was the fucking Burger King, complete with a full cape and rubber mask.

“Words escape me, bro,” I chuckled at the insanity of this idea.

“And for Goldilocks over here, I got something even more fun,” Todd cackled as he tossed an outfit to Eligor.

“What is this?” the knight demanded. “Do you really expect me to wear a full-body costume? What about my armor?”

“As strong as your armor might be,” he explained, “it makes you stick out like a sore thumb. A sore thumb with giant tits. This will make you blend in a little bit more.”

Eligor rolled her eyes as she unfolded the outfit and held it up to inspect it further.

Instantly, I recognized the white-and-blue schoolgirl aesthetic. It was a Sailor Moon costume.

“Do I have to do the pig tails?” the knight asked.

“Do you wanna look the part, or not?” Todd shot back without missing a beat. “Now, for Raphey over here … ”

The imp pulled out the final costume and tossed it into Raphael’s hands. Instantly, the color drained from the Archangel’s face.

“Very funny, Todd,” he grumbled as the imp fell over onto the seat, laughing hysterically.

I turned around to see what was so funny and then nearly burst out into a cackle myself.

Todd had snagged Raph a pimp costume.

“Alright, alright,” Eligor tried to get us back onto the task at hand. “So, we put on these ridiculous costumes and--”

“Hold on, Goldilocks!” Todd protested. “You haven’t even seen the best one yet … ”

The imp threw open his door once more, jumped out onto the pavement, and then held out his hands as he began to transform. Todd’s body suddenly grew larger both in height and width, and muscles began to form across his entire form. His goatee shortened into a white biker ‘stache as his hair lengthened and his clothes turned into a red wife-beater with the words “Hulkmania” across them. Finally, I saw the red bandana appear on his head, and all I could do was shake my head in amusement.

It was Todd in his human form, dressed up as Hulk Hogan.

“Oh yeah!” the imp mused as he showed off his guns. “What are we gonna do, brother?”

“I’ll tell you what we’re going to do,” I announced as I stepped out of the Jeep. “We’re going to throw on these costumes, and then we’re gonna go around and kill as many Tartaruchi as we possibly can before they figure us out. Once that happens, we have to go into full crowd protection mode.”

“Remember to keep at least one of them alive,” Raphael implored. “That way we can question the Tartaruchi and find out what caused them to commit this heinous act.”

“Is it really so bad they’re here on Earth?” I asked the Archangel as I started to put on my costume. “Like, I hate these bastards as much as you do, but is it really that much different than having any of those other demons in hiding here on Earth?”

“The Tartaruchi are the elite forces of Gressil,” he explained as he followed suit and also began to put on his new clothes. “So elite, in fact, Lucifer handpicked them to become the ‘Protectors of Hell.’ Having them here on Earth would be the equivalent of having the Saint’s Guard come down and start slaying demons.”

“The Saint’s Guard?” I pondered aloud.

“Those are the Exalted One’s elite protectors,” Raph explained. “They’re the best of the best. A small group of Shades made up of some of the greatest warriors in human history. To send them against Lucifer’s forces is a direct declaration of war against Hell, something we’ve been trying to avoid for centuries. But I fear Gressil and Lucifer may have just made that decision for us.”

“But we are at war … ” I trailed off as the words left my mouth. “The whole point of me being a spy is so we can get your forces down there and finish off you-know-who once and for all, right?”

“Believe it or not, we’re still in a time of peace,” Superbia explained from beside me. “Azazel and Beelzebub might have broken the rules quite brazenly, but no official declaration has been made. Meanwhile, their forces have been engaging with each other directly in ‘proxy’ conflicts, such as the one that involves all of us.”

“All you angels and demons really like to be all backstabby, don’t ya?” Hulkster-Todd asked with a sigh. “Totally two-faced. Damn it! That probably would have been a way better costume … ”

“So, what you’re saying is the Exalted One and Lucifer are locked in a Cold War?” I said as I tried to analyze the redhead’s words.

“Precisely,” Sia nodded, “and, just like Earth’s Cold War, they know what will happen if they declare war against each other.”

“What happens then?” I asked as my morbid curiosity took over.

“The apocalypse,” Raph added grimly. “The end of days. The Revelation. The time when all things will come to a close.”

Even though the topic was grim as fuck, it was hard to take Raphael seriously. I guess that’s what happened when you were forced to wear a fuzzy purple hat with a furry cape that made you look like you stepped straight out of Starsky and Hutch.

“Well then,” I mused as I tried to hold back a laugh, “we need to make sure that’s not what’s happening here. Are we ready?”

I turned around to see Eligor, Raph, and Todd clad in their Halloween costumes. I was sure we looked ridiculous, but we looked like we fit in.

And, when you were trying to use stealth, that was the most important thing of all.

“You two get into position,” I nodded to Sia and Cupi. “Remember … don’t do anything until we’re actually spotted. I’d hate to give ourselves away too soon.”

I pulled the rubber mask down over my face, checked my belt to make sure my weapons were concealed, and then motioned for my friends to follow.

“Sooooo,” Hulkster-Todd asked, “how are we gonna dispose of the bodies? Like, I get that we’re going all hitman on these fuckers, but we’re killing them in broad daylight, in the middle of a crowded festival. That’s gonna drive up our wanted level real quick, bro.”

“Eligor,” I turned to the knight of Hell, “this is where you come in. Do you think you could whip up a little fog for us? That could cover our tracks pretty well.”

“Fog in Arizona?” Sia mused. “I supposed stranger things have happened.”

“Of course I can.” Eligor nodded. “One fog storm, coming right up.”

The blonde woman summoned lime green Hellfire into her hands, raised them up to the sky, and then began to swirl them around in a circular motion.

“Once the fog is nice and thick, I’ll use my green Hellfire to send the bodies up to Cupi,” I explained. “She’ll snatch ‘em up and then take them over to someplace safe and out of sight for disposal. I know that’s a major deviation from the original plan, but I think it’ll work. Are we ready?”

Everyone nodded, and the air around us began to grow thick with mist. Within moments, the sun was already dimming overhead.

“Alright, let’s split up, then,” I said to the group. “When we kill one of the fuckers, just yell out a code word to let me and Cupi know to dispose of the body. Something cool, yet inconspicuous. Something like--”

“Titicaca!” Todd offered. “You don’t get a better fucking word than ‘Titicaca,’ bro.”

“That’ll draw way too much attention,” I explained, “but I like where your head’s at. What about something simple … something that people won’t even give a second thought about hearing?”

“Excuse me?” Raphael blurted out.

“‘Excuse me’ what?” I questioned. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No, no,” the Archangel chuckled. “I mean, why don’t we use ‘excuse me’ as our code word? It’s a common phrase in the human lexicon.”

“I dunno what the first battle of the Revolution has to do with anything,” Todd noted, “but I’m totally on board with that, bro.”

“Then, ‘excuse me’ it is,” I agreed. “It might draw some peoples’ attention, but this fog is so damn thick, they won’t be able to see anything unless they’re right up on us. Let’s get to work.”

All of my teammates gave me a nod of agreement, and then we went on our way. Cupi summoned her wings with a flash of purple, flew over behind Superbia, and then picked her up into the sky. The two succubi were out of sight in seconds, and I hoped they would be able to fly under the radar.

Everything should go according to plan, though. The entire area around us was now covered with a thick mist that only allowed for about five to ten feet of visibility.

It was the perfect cover.

The four of us walked out of the alleyway and into the busy streets of Mesa. There were people all around, and they murmured in shock at this sudden change in weather and grumbled as they headed toward the parking lots.

I gave my teammates one final nod, and then we split off into four different directions. The only way to see out of this fucking mask was through two tiny slits that were just big enough to create a good sightline. Even then, I had next to no peripheral vision.

Were the Tartaruchi even here, or was it just some big elaborate ploy to waste our time? My heart sank as I thought of another alternative. What if the Tartaruchi distraction was cooked up by one of our enemies so we would have to leave the club and leave one of our most precious assets exposed?

Beelzebub’s forces could be there right now, killing everyone and wreaking havoc on our friends.

However, that fear was quickly squashed. There, before me in the crowd, stood the foggy outline of a familiar lanky, ashy-skinned demon. He had his back turned to me, but he was scanning the crowd as he put off an annoyed demeanor.

He would be the first fucker to die.

I used my disguise to push through the people and the dense fog until I was right up behind the bastard. Then I summoned a small bit of purple Hellfire into one hand as I drew my goat-headed dagger with the other. My adrenaline caused my heart to pound in my chest, and it only got quicker when the Tartaruchi I was following halted in his tracks.

He must have known something was afoot, because he slowly turned around to see what was going on behind him.

I was still about a foot away, so I needed to remain hidden for the moment. I held both of my hands behind my back as my eyes met the Tartaruchi’s, and I realized what I had to do.

“Cool freaking costume, bro,” I told the ashy demon. “You make it yourself?”

The fucker’s eyes narrowed as if he recognized my voice, but it was too late.

I closed the gap and drove my dagger straight into his heart. At the same time, I threw up a shield of purple directly behind his body to catch any of the blood splatter.

The Tartaruchi’s red eyes went dark as his tongue flopped out of his mouth, and he began to fall down.

I caught him with a quick spell of green flames, moved us off the main pathway into the thick fog, and then tossed him up into the air as I called out “Excuse me.” Seconds later, I saw the shadow of a winged humanoid pass through the fog, and the Tartaruchi’s body did not come back down.

So far, so good.

I walked around for another minute or two before I found my next target. This guy was further out, away from the crowd completely, and he already seemed to be on high alert. His beady eyes darted back and forth in his head as I sauntered right past him in disguise, under the cover of the thick fog.

Once I was close enough, I went in for the kill.

In one quick motion, I jumped behind the demon, summoned purple Hellfire into my hands, and then created two barriers on either side of his neck. They rapidly met at the center, and the bastard’s head was severed from his body.

I caught both the head and the body with my flames before there was any visible difference, and then I looked around to make sure nobody was watching. I couldn't even see two feet in front of my face right now. The coast was most definitely clear. I tossed the body up into the air and let out another “excuse me.”

The next Tartaruchi came almost instantly, and my blood went cold as he stared me down. I wasn’t sure if he knew who I was or if he had seen what had just transpired, but I sure as fuck wasn’t about to find out.

I placed my hands behind my back, summoned purple Hellfire, and then created a small cube directly around the ashy demon’s head.

His eyes went wide, and he opened his mouth to scream, but I silenced him quickly.

I clapped my hands together, and the cube followed my motion. The glowing violet walls smashed into the Tartaruchi’s head and crushed it into a pulp of brain matter, skull fragments, and blood.

“Excuse me!” I gagged as I flung the fucker’s remains up into the sky.

Within the next few minutes, I got “excuse me’s” from all three of my teammates. Todd called it out twice, while Raph only used it once, and Eligor used it a whopping three times. Each time, I caught the bastards’ remains, lifted them up like a ragdoll, and allowed Cupi to pick them up.

As the mission went on, I realized I needed to get a bit more creative with my kills.

The next fucker I ran into was completely oblivious to what was happening. He stood by one of the food vendors, listening to the customers compliment him on his outfit as they waited in line for a corndog and he scanned his surroundings for threats.

Little did he know that Death was coming for him in the form of the fucking Burger King.

I sauntered right up to the bastard, threw my hand on his shoulder as if I were drunk, and began to play him like a fiddle.

“Y-you have no idea how badass you look right now,” I pretended to slur my words. “Like--Like, seriously. You’re a fucking badass. What are you supposed to be, anyway?”

“I am a Tartaruchi,” the demon growled back. “Unless you know when Jacob Ralston is going to get here, I suggest you leave me alone immediately.”

“Wait … ” I drawled. “Jacob Ralston? Six foot tall dude with brown hair and a bunch of smoking-hot women around him?”

“You’ve seen him,” the Tartaruchi perked up. “Tell me where they are immediately, and I may just spare your life.”

I fake laughed at the demon and then patted his arm playfully.

“You’re really into character, aren’t you bro?” I joked and began to walk behind the food truck.

There were too many people on the other side, and I really didn’t want them to see what I was about to do.

The Tartaruchi followed me behind the large metal food stand, but then he brandished his pitchfork at me when I paused.

“Tell me where he is!” he growled. “Or you’ll be the first one to go in this massacre of human filth.”

So, that was their endgame. They wanted to massacre a bunch of humans, probably so they could blame it on me.

That was so two adventures ago.

“You--You want to know where Jacob Ralston is?” I slurred through my rubber mask and stumbled forward so I was right up against the Tartaruchi. “Well, you’re never gonna believe this … ”

“Talk, mortal!” he growled.

In a flash, I grabbed my mask, lifted it up to reveal my face, and summoned red Hellfire into my hand.

“I’m right here, bitch,” I growled as I tossed my flaming hand around the Tartaruchi’s throat.

He tried to let out a scream, but his voice box was incinerated instantly from the heat of my spell. He also tried to attack me with his trident, but I easily dispelled it with a small cast of purple fire.

Within seconds, his eyes rolled back in his head, and his body went limp. The entire front half of his neck was nothing but a large, charred hole, and I tossed him up into the foggy air before anyone else was the wiser.

“Excuse me!” I called out, and then I heard the flapping of wings above me.

As I explored the crowd, I heard at least six more callouts from my group of friends. Finally, I encountered my fourth Tartaruchi in the wild.

Their numbers had to have been thinning, and I debated on whether or not I should kill the bastard. My cultist said there was a “small group” of Tartaruchi in Mesa. We had killed fifteen of the demons already, and I couldn’t imagine that a small group would be too much bigger.

Unfortunately, my decision was made for me.

“What are you looking at, mortal?” the Tartaruchi hissed at my disguised figure as I approached.

“Just taking in the views,” I said sarcastically. “Arizona is so much more beautiful when it’s covered in fog, don’t you think?”

“That voice … ” the demon gasped, and then he raised his trident toward me.

He opened his mouth to sound the alarm, but I wasn’t gonna let that happen.

I summoned silver Hellfire into my hands, encased his weapon with its shimmer, and then ordered the metal to jump to his mouth. The watery silver material slapped against his lips as hard as it could, and his noises were muffled instantly. Then I liquified my dagger, turned it into a thin, long shape, and wrapped it around the fucker’s neck.

His eyes went wide as I commanded the makeshift noose to lift him up into the air, and I saw his feet kick furiously as the life was drained from his body. I ordered the liquid to constrict tighter, and there was a sickly crunch as his windpipe was crushed into dust.

“Excuse me!” I called out again as I tossed him into the sky.

I wandered around for a few more minutes, but I didn’t find any Tartaruchi. Even more troubling, I didn’t hear any of my friends.

Fuck. Had we killed every one of them? Sixteen was a very strange number to send on a mission, but I wouldn’t put it past Gressil.

Finally, I saw a curvy, school-girl uniform-clad figure emerge from the mist. It was Eligor.

“Do you think we got them all?” the blonde knight questioned. “That can’t possibly be it. That was way too easy.”

“I dunno,” I admitted. “There’s only one way to find out. Clear out the fog.”

“Are you sure?” the knight asked with a raised eyebrow. “If we do that, we won’t have any cover.”

“No,” I explained, “but even if there are Tartaruchi left over, they’re not going to know all their brethren are dead. They might be confused as fuck and wonder where they are, but we’re all still in disguise, so they’ll be none the wiser.”

“If you say so.” Eligor nodded, and then she shoved her hand inside the fold of her shirt.

I saw a dull, lime green glow from within, and then the misty sky around us began to part like the Red Sea. In only a few seconds, the entire area was clear once more.

The people around us began to murmur away as they tried to figure out what the fuck had just happened. After a few moments of confused deliberation, they went about their day.

I scanned through the throngs of people as I tried to spot any remaining Tartaruchi. Honestly, I would have figured it’d be super easy to spot a giant, bald white demon with glowing red eyes, but all these people in costume made it difficult.

“Yo, Burger King!” I heard Todd call out from afar. “Tartar Sauce in the house, brother!”

I whipped around in the direction of the imp’s voice and saw him way on the other side of the block. He was pointing frantically to the right and jumping up and down, so I followed the sightline of his finger.

There, bulldozing his way through the crowd, was a lone Tartaruchi. He may not have known what was going on, but I could tell by his demeanor that he knew something was afoot.

It wouldn’t matter in a minute here, anyways.

I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, surrounded myself with its shimmer, and then pictured the area in front of the bastard in my head. Not a second later, I was teleported through space and time and then reappeared on the sidewalk just outside of the crowd.

When the Tartaruchi finally came barreling through the crowd, he was in a full-fledged sprint.

Too bad I was ready for him.

I threw down a miniature wall of purple Hellfire, just small enough to be inconspicuous, but with enough height to trip the fucker up.

The Tartaruchi’s feet hit the barrier, and his momentum sent him tumbling head-over-heels across the pavement.

His grunts of pain undoubtedly drew the attention of a bunch of bystanders, so I had to get us out of here ASAP. I couldn’t risk him coming up swinging and accidentally hurting somebody.

So, I quickly threw out a portal of green Hellfire in front of the bastard, pictured the top of the nearby hotel building, and then sent him there. I repeated the process with myself, and I instantly reappeared beside the demon.

He sprang up to his feet and lunged at me with his pitchfork, but he didn’t have a chance.

I parried the attack with a well-placed shield of purple before I threw a handful of yellow-and-red shuriken down into his foot. Before the fucker could let out a wail of pain, I ordered my dagger to liquify and then throw itself over his mouth. Next, I commanded my shuriken to explode.

The Tartaruchi’s scream was muffled by the metal plate across his mouth as his leg was blown off at the knee. He collapsed over onto his side as blood spurted from the fresh wound, and his fleshy debris tumbled over against the lip of the roof.

“Alright,” I growled as I stepped closer to the injured Tartaruchi. “It’s about time you started talking.”

Before I could begin my interrogation, though, a blinding flash of white light appeared between the two of us. I threw up my hands to protect my eyes, but the phenomena was quick to subside.

There, standing before me, was a large man in a suit of pure white armor. His short blond hair draped down against his neck in a cascade of curls, and his chiseled features were contorted into a frown.

Beside him was a stocky man clad in a stocking cap, tights, and a frilly-yet-matted cape. He was holding a notepad as he grumbled incoherent ramblings in Italian.

“Metatron?” I gasped. “Angelo?”

“I agree with King Ralston,” the Archangel reiterated as he turned to the fallen Tartaruchi. “We need answers, and we need them right now.”

Oh, shit.

I had a sinking feeling that everything was about to hit the fan.

Chapter 11

The tall Archangel towered over the wounded Tartaruchi on the ground, and the demon began to cower like a scared puppy.

“Good job neutralizing the Tartaruchi, Jacob,” Metatron observed as he glared down at the ashy creature. “The Watchers had given us word they were on the loose here on Earth Realm. I almost didn’t believe them.”

“These bastards are getting pretty brave,” I retorted. “We ran into a bunch of ‘em out on the Hunter’s Plains not too long ago. Sia claims they’re not supposed to leave the Circles of Hell, yet here they are.”

Metatron placed his armored boot against the arm of the Tartaruchi and glanced back over his shoulder at me.

“Yet here they are,” the blond Archangel repeated, and then he raised his eyebrow curiously. “I see you’ve fully embraced the royal aesthetic.”

“What?” I questioned, and then I remembered what I was wearing. “Oh, this is just a costume. We were all trying to blend in with the Halloween festival down there.”

I yanked off the rubber mask, tossed it to the ground, and then undid the cape around my neck. As it fell to the ground, I let out a sigh of relief.

“Jacob!” Raphael’s voice called out as he appeared over the side of the building with Todd by his side. “I saw the blast of Divine Light. Is everything al--”

The Archangel’s face went slack, and the color drained from his cheeks when he saw Metatron.

“Hello, Raphael,” Metatron said as he took in Raph’s costume. “Are you participating in this ‘Halloween’ nonsense as well?”

“I, uh, n-not really,” Raphael stuttered as he ripped the fuzzy hat from his head. “Jacob thought these disguises would help us blend in.”

“And that is the one you picked?” the blond Archangel asked skeptically. “The one that makes you look like you’re wearing a bearskin rug? And what is that hat? You look like Abraham Lincoln’s effeminate cousin.”

Todd let out a muffled snicker, but then he lost it.

“G-gaybraham Lincoln!” he cackled, and then he doubled over and began to slap his knee violently.

“I am not--” Raph protested as his face turned red, and he threw the hat onto the ground. “I’ll have you know I’ve been with plenty of women!”

“Excuse me?” Metatron gasped. “Raphael, please correct me if I’m wrong, but I could have sworn I heard you say you’ve laid with a woman? That’s almost as sacrilegious as what the Tartaruchi here have done.”

“I-I’m just informing Todd over there that I am not a homosexual,” Raph fumbled over his words. “It’s an expression, that’s all.”

“Yeah, yeah,” the imp retorted as he wiped a tear away from his eye, “I shoulda guessed the pimp would be sleepin’ with all his hoes.”

“Leno,” the ghost of Angelo Martatelli snickered. “Leno est stultus petasum.”

“That’s right, Fettuccini,” Todd agreed. “They’re all givin’ some petasum, if ya get my drift.”

“The ladies at the Velvet Lips are not ‘hoes!’” Raph shot back. “They’re delicate flowers who just need a kind father figure to guide them through their lives.”

“That’s a weird way of saying they’ve got daddy issues,” the Hulkster-imp shrugged, “But suit yourself, Raphey. If you’re into that weird ass incest stuff, all the more power to ya. Different strokes for different folks and all that.”

“I believe I’m at a loss for words,” Metatron sighed, and then he slammed his boot down on the Tartaruchi who was now trying to crawl away. “We can continue this talk later. For now … I want to know why you and your brethren are breaking universal law. Do you have any idea of the implications this little stunt will have?”

“Fuck you, Archangel,” the Tartaruchi sneered and then spit into Metatron’s face.

He really, really didn’t like that.

Metatron let out a growl of rage as he lifted up his boot once more and slammed it down into the demon’s chest. There was a wet snap as its sternum was crushed like a piece of dry spaghetti, and then the Tartaruchi coughed up a mouthful of blood.

“Damn,” Todd whistled. “I guess Starscream was the only thing holding him back.”

“I want to know why you are here,” Metatron continued. “Are you working alone, or are you under the orders of your master?”

“They wanted to lure me out here,” I spoke up. “Then, once they found out we were here, they were going to start slaughtering these humans. And then they were probably going to try and blame it on me.”

“Not bad, Ralston,” the Tartaruchi chuckled through his bloody teeth. “You’re not as foolish as you appear.”

“So, you are here under the orders of Gressil?” Metatron growled.

“I’lllll never tell,” the demon cackled.

“It has to be Gressil,” Raphael argued. “The Tartaruchi are under his orders. Unless … ”

The dark-haired Archangel’s body went rigid as an expression of panic overtook his face.

“Unless what?” Cupiditas questioned as she landed with Sia in her arms and Eligor right behind.

“No, no, no,” Raph chuckled awkwardly as he tried to reassure himself.

“What is it, brother?” Metatron asked.

“Insanis,” Martatelli joked as he elbowed Todd and made a “crazy” motion with his finger.

“Hold up there, Tortellini,” Todd gagged. “He just said he wasn’t gay. I don’t think he wants you going near his insanis with that twirly finger.”

The ghost of the scientist cringed in disgust and then went back to scribbling notes into his notepad.

“Is something the matter, Raphael?” Eligor implored. “You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

“What if the Tartaruchi is telling the truth?” Raph pondered with a weak gasp. “What if Gressil didn’t send these Tartaruchi into Earth Realm?”

“Who else could it have been?” Metatron questioned. “Who else would be brazen enough to commit such an interdimensional crime?”

My heart sank into my chest as it hit me. The Tartaruchi must have noticed my sudden change in demeanor, because he began to chuckle through his bloody wheezes.

“Daddy says hi, Jacob.” He grinned through his red-stained teeth.

There was a stunned silence all around as we tried to make sense of the demon’s words.

“Daddy?” Raphael asked with confusion. “Jacob … is--is your father … ”

“Yes,” I said with a sigh. “My father is Lucifer.”

The Archangel’s eyes went wide as he held his stomach queasily.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” he mumbled.

“Ooooohhhhh no!” Hulkster Todd exclaimed. “You ain’t gettin’ any of your stomach stew on me, brother.”

“He’s lying,” Metatron growled, and then he pushed his boot further into the demon’s chest. “You’re a filthy rotten liar.”

“What does he have to lie about, Metatron?” Superbia spoke up timidly. “He already knows he’s dead.”

“He’s trying to sow chaos,” the Archangel argued. “Surely, he wants us to think Lucifer sent them, when it was really Gressil. Because if Lucifer sent them … ”

“All Hell’s about to break loose,” Eligor stated coldly.

“That’s right,” Metatron sneered at the Tartaruchi. “Your boss wants to usurp Lucifer and the Exalted One, and what better way to do that than to pit them against each other?”

“Th-think whatever the fuck you wanna think, Archangel,” the Tartaruchi shot back with a devilish grin. “By the time you figure it out, it’ll be too late anyway. The Prince of Darkness will reign supreme, and the human world will bow down at his feet as he marches into Heaven and slaughters you all like the swine you are!”

“I’ve heard enough of your lies,” Metatron snarled, and then he summoned his oversized white sword into his hand.

In one swift motion, he flipped it around, aimed the pointed end at the demon on the ground, and stabbed downward. There was a schlocky sound as the enchanted blade separated the Tartaruchi’s head from his shoulders, and his severed noggin rolled across the rooftop like a runaway pumpkin.

“Shouldn’t we have questioned him further?” Raph asked with an annoyed tone. “He was making some very serious accusations.”

“None of which were true,” the blond man shot back. “Lucifer might be the epitome of all things evil, but he’s not stupid. He has been defeated by the Exalted One once before, and he knows he can’t win in a fair fight.”

“You really think he would fight fair?” I questioned. “He’s a master of trickery.”

“He is,” Metatron agreed, “all demons are. Gressil and Beelzebub are just trying to rile us up, that’s all. Because if the Exalted One is suddenly focusing on Lucifer, he won’t be focusing on them.”

“I think he’s telling the truth,” I admitted. “Lucifer wants me to be his second in command. If what I’ve heard about Nephilim is true, then he’s probably thinking my powers could be what turns the tide of this eternal war. If he thinks he’s got me on his side, I wouldn’t put it past him to openly declare war on the Divine.”

“But you’re not on his side … ” Metatron stated cautiously as he tightened his grip on the sword in his hand. “Are you?”

“Of course not!” I shot back. “Do you really think I’d ever side with an evil motherfucker like that?”

“Seriously, Megatron,” Todd scoffed, “that’d be like fucking Mankind and the Undertaker teaming up. It just doesn’t happen.”

“I thought they did team up in the--” I began, but the imp cut me off.

“Shhhhhh!” he warned. “I’m trying to help you out, bro.”

“I’ve vouched for Jacob before, and I’ll do it again now,” Raphael proclaimed as he puffed out his chest. “Over the last few years, I’ve gotten to know this man inside and out--”

“No homo,” Todd added with a stern nod.

“Uh, right,” the Archangel continued, “I know Jacob Ralston would never turn his back on the Divine. He is a good man. Hasn’t he already proved enough?”

Martatelli cleared his throat, put down his pen and notepad, and then began to ramble in Italian. He gestured wildly as he spoke, flailing his arms around in every which way imaginable. Even though I couldn’t understand what he was saying, I guessed by his gestures that he was telling the story of how I saved him from his grim fate in the Fifth Circle.

When the scientist was done, Metatron nodded slowly, and then his sword disappeared with a flash of white light.

“I’m sorry I doubted you,” he sighed. “It’s just that, knowing your heritage … I have to be cautious, that’s all.”

“I understand,” I nodded, “we may not always see eye to eye, Metatron, but I’m not your enemy. The Unholy Trio are.”

“Unholy Trio?” Metatron chuckled. “Is that what you’re calling Baphomet, Gressil, and Beelzebub now?”

“It was my idea,” Todd interjected. “I fought hard for ‘The Three Stooges,’ but that was a no-go.”

“What happens if Jacob is right?” Sia spoke up. “What if Lucifer really did send these Tartaruchi to Earth, and not the Unholy Trio?”

Metatron’s face became stern as he shook his head.

“If that’s the case … The Exalted One has some decisions to make,” he explained. “No matter who was behind this, it’s a statement that will not be taken lightly. Either way, I fear we might have to prepare for all-out war.”

“What about us?” Cupiditas questioned. “And our alliance? If you’re focused on investigating this and gearing up for another phase of the Eternal War, does that mean we’re on our own against Beelzebub?”

“Of course not!” Metatron reassured us. “You are our allies, now and forever. The Exalted One and his servants are committed to helping you in whatever way we possibly can.”

“Any way?” I asked with a raised eyebrow. “What about helping me take out my father?”

My words wiped the happy expression right off Metatron’s face, almost as if he were a fucking wooly willie that had just been shaken. His piercing blue eyes were now staring me down intensely as he walked over to my position.

“You cannot go after Lucifer,” he commanded. “That would be beyond foolish, and next to suicidal. Even if you were to somehow kill him, which you won’t, it would throw off the entire natural order of the universe. The Exalted One is not for that at all.”

“Then what’s the endgame here?” I retorted. “Isn’t the whole point of all this to kill my father once and for all?”

“Not in the slightest,” the Archangel admitted. “We want to see his forces defeated, his Demon Kings wiped off the face of the Earth, and his influence next to nonexistent. But the yin cannot exist without the yang.”

“No offense, Metatron,” I growled, “but that’s total bullshit.”

“Jacob … ” Superbia warned, but I kept going.

“This guy is the epitome of all evil in the universe, right?” I prompted. “He’s the one who’s caused suffering for billions and billions of people all throughout human history, right?”

“Yes,” Metatron stated matter-of-factly.

“Then why would you want him to stay alive?”

“Because good cannot exist without evil!” he argued. “If the human race doesn’t have a figure in their lives that represents the darkness, they’ll never choose to go to the light.”

“I think you guys have a pretty fucked-up view of humanity,” I grumbled and crossed my arms over my chest. “Human beings are perfectly capable of choosing right from wrong.”

“Jacob,” Metatron sighed as he tried to keep his cool, “if you go after Lucifer, the Exalted One cannot, will not, help you.”

“I’ve seen what it’s like down in Hell,” I warned. “I’ve seen how chaotic it is now that Azazel is dead and the Demon Kings are turning against each other. Lucifer is looking for his next second in command, and he’s looking hard. Why do you think that is?”

“Demons are a backstabbing, finicky bunch.” Metatron shrugged.

“He’s getting ready to make a big move,” I pushed on with my rant, “and I can almost guarantee you this move is being made with the end goal of bringing down the Pearly Gates. Do you want to wait for that to happen, or do you want to do something about it?”

“Lucifer?” the Archangel scoffed. “Getting into Heaven? Impossible. Back me up on this, Raphael.”

We both looked over at the dark-haired Archangel, who was staring down at the ground as if he were ashamed of what he was about to say.

“I agree with Jacob,” he admitted.

“Raphael … ” Metatron gasped. “You should know better. You--”

“You weren’t there when Azazel attacked Jacob for the first time,” Raph argued. “You also weren’t there when Uriel tried to kill us all or when Beelzebub wreaked havoc here on Earth. These are unusual circumstances, my friend, and such unusual circumstances call for unusual solutions.”

“I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” the blond man scoffed. “Martatelli, have you gotten all of this down?”

The ghost of the Italian scientist looked up from his notebook, nodded his head excitedly, and then held up the page for everyone to see.

It was covered in incoherent chicken scratch, and what little that could be deciphered was written in broken English.

“Omnia bona,” the scientist exclaimed happily.

“Look … ” the Archangel sighed and rubbed his temples in frustration. “Our alliance is rock solid, Jacob. But I cannot condone this idea of offing Lucifer, and I know for a fact the Exalted One will feel the same way. However, I am also quite aware of your resolve, and I know I’m not going to change your mind.”

“Damn straight.” I nodded.

“So, I beg of you,” the blond man continued, “not as a strategic ally, but as a friend … don’t try it. I’ve seen how that story ends, and it is never pretty.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I acknowledged. “Besides, you don’t have to worry about us trying anything quite yet. We still have the Unholy Trio to take care of first. There are five whole circles between mine and Lucifer’s, anyway.”

“Perhaps that is for the better.” He nodded. “I admire your aspirations, Jacob Ralston. Foolish as they may be.”

“Come on, bro,” Todd shuddered, “don’t make it weird. I’ve only got a handful of ‘no homos’ to give out each day or they stop working.”

“What is your costume supposed to represent, anyway?” Metatron questioned the imp. “Are you a geriatric hillbilly?”

Now, it was Raphael’s turn to laugh. The Archangel let out an unusually high-pitched squeak as he doubled over and guffawed loudly.

Meanwhile, Todd’s face was wide with shock and hurt.

“I-I’m the Hulkster … ” he mumbled and patted his bald head. “‘Say yer prayers and eat your vitamins’ and all that … this look is one-hundred percent classy, bro.”

Metatron turned back to me, extended his hand, and we shook.

“I look forward to our next call, King Ralston,” he mused. “Try not to do anything too reckless before then.”

“No promises,” I admitted coyly.

“Goodbye, succubi,” he continued, “goodbye, Eligor. Send Lilith my regards.”

“No promises,” she parroted sarcastically.

“As for you, Raphael…” Metatron ordered as he turned to the Archangel, “keep doing what you are doing. I had a group of Divine warriors come visit your base a few weeks ago, and they reported back they had one of the best times of their entire lives.”

Raphael looked shell shocked and horrified, but he put on a fake smile.

“Of course, Metatron,” he said with a salute, “the Velvet Lips will remain my base of operations here on Earth, and I shall continue leading Jacob’s Cultists with the assistance of his other generals.”

“Good,” Metatron nodded, “I will try to secure more alliances with the other angels and Archangels in the meantime. But again, I warn you not to do anything too brash. It’s already hard enough to drum up support for Lucifer’s Nephilim as it is.”

The Archangel motioned for Martatelli to follow him, and the stocky ghost obeyed. Then Metatron threw out his arms, surrounded himself and Martatelli with the glow of Divine Light, and vanished into thin air.

“That was a lot to take in,” I noted as I turned back to my friends.

“Do you really think Lucifer is preparing for war?” Eligor pondered. “Even Lilith hasn’t come to that conclusion yet.”

“It all just makes too much sense.” I shrugged. “He wants me and Beelzebub to duke it out for a reason, he wants to see the strongest demon win. If he weren’t planning something huge, he would have just chosen a Demon King at random to replace Azazel.”

“Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had we killed Azazel during your first encounter,” Rapahel sighed. “It would have saved us a lot of complications, that’s for sure.”

“Complications or not,” Sia noted, “at least we neutralized the Tartaruchi, and nobody got hurt.”

“Welllll, except all the demons who got strangled, mutilated, and decapitated,” Todd corrected. “And that one whose junk got ripped off, causing him to bleed to death. And the one I killed by combining all five Planeteer rings and summoning Captain Planet. Or the one I--”

“We get it, Todd,” I laughed. “We fucked ‘em up real good.”

“Say … ” Raphael perked up. “Speaking of the fallen Tartaruchi, where did you hide all of their bodies, Cupiditas?”

“Oh, nothing special,” the blonde succubus giggled, “I just flew them around to the different rooftops and left them in the corners.”

“Should we maybe dispose of them more efficiently?” Raph questioned.

“Nah,” Todd said with a wave of his hand. “It’s a small town, bro. How often do people actually go up on the roof? By the time they find all these pale Vin Diesel wannabes, they’ll already be buzzard shit.”

“Then it sounds like we need to head back home,” I announced. “Raph can get back to his, uh, management, and we can start focusing on our next steps.”

“What are our next steps?” Eligor asked hopefully.

I turned around and stared off into the Arizona sunset for effect.

“We’re going to go after Beelzebub’s allies,” I explained, “but not before we find Gamigin and turn him into fucking glue.”

“I’m so proud of you,” Todd said with a fake sniffle. “My Jakey’s making horse-face jokes now, just like his Uncle Todd.”

I turned back to my friends and motioned for them to take us back down.

We were going to find that traitor, and he was going to pay dearly for what he’d done to me and my friends.

Chapter 12

After dropping Raphael off at the Velvet Lips, we headed back to our mansion in Phoenix. Even though my cultists had been keeping it up while we were gone, the whole place was dark as we rolled up into the driveway.

“Looks like nobody’s home,” Superbia observed as we came to a stop in front of the garage.

“Damn it,” Todd sighed, “I was hoping to see Ollie before we went back down to Hell. I wanna know what crazy-ass fashion choices he’s made since we’ve been gone. Did he finally bite the bullet and get a pair of velcro shoes? Or maybe now that it’s getting colder he’s put away his cargo shorts and is rockin’ the JNCO Jeans. Dear lord … if Oliver shows up in a pair of JNCO Jeans, I can die a happy imp, bro.”

“We’ll have to wait until next time,” I chuckled as I stepped out of the Jeep. “Jane and Oliver are probably off leading the cultists on some epic mission, mowing down the cults of other Demon Kings like they’re nothing.”

“Actually … ” Superbia noted through a cough, “while you three were away, Raphael explained Oliver and Jane took the cultists on vacation.”

“Vacation?” I chuckled as I threw open the front door and we entered into the mansion. “Where on Earth to?”

“Apparently to a place called the ‘Wisconsin Dells.’” Superbia shrugged.

I halted in my tracks, turned around, and tried to make sure I heard the madame correctly.

“The Cult of Ralston has endless funding, we’re within a day’s drive of Vegas and most of Southern California,” I mused, “and they chose to go to Wisconsin? In October?”

“Maybe he had a sudden craving for cheese curds, bro,” Todd suggested. “Those things are pure, artery-clogging goodness.”

“That’s what Raphael told me.” Sia shrugged. “Apparently, he wanted to hold their annual orgy in someplace more wholesome this year. Plus, he was over the moon about some sort of railroad museum they have up there, as well as the boat tours that they--”

Todd cut her off with a loud, obnoxious snoring sound.

“Leave it to good ‘ol Ollie to make a vacation boring,” the imp snickered.

“What was that you said earlier?” Cupi prodded. “Different strokes for different folks?”

“Touché, my bodacious blonde,” Todd nodded, “touché.”

“Good for them,” I mused as I led everyone to the direction of the garage. “They’ve been endlessly working like crazy for the last few years. They’ve earned it, even if their choice is a little … strange.”

I opened up the door, stepped out onto the concrete, and took in the smell of motor oil, sawdust, and iron that filled the dual-function workshop and garage. Our red Maserati GT, Stella, was parked against the far wall, and she looked just as shiny and beautiful as the first day we’d stolen her from Robert Quinn. Right next to the luxury sports car sat Todd’s pride and joy, Lola.

“She’s fucking beautiful, isn’t she, bro?” Todd sniffled as he walked over to the beat-up eighties Volvo. “I’m so fucking happy we found her again. I knew she was a vehicle of the gods.”

The imp tapped his tiny hand against the hood of the yellow sedan lovingly, and then the entire front bumper of the car fell loose with a loud crash. Todd let out a horrified gasp as he grabbed the fallen hunk of aluminum, lifted it comically over his head, and then desperately tried to put it back into place. The damn thing was nearly double the size of his body, and it fell from his grip a few times before I finally decided to help him out.

I reached out, surrounded the bumper in green Hellfire, and moved it back into place. Then, once it was back where it belonged, I commanded my silver Hellfire to fuse it to the body of the car.

“Thanks, bro,” Todd wheezed as he doubled over and put his hands against his knees. “I totally had it, though.”

“Sure thing, bro,” I chuckled.

“Why is there such an ugly vehicle in our garage?” Sia said through a disgusted expression. “Was this from one of the cult’s victims? Did they bring it here so it could be hidden away until it’s taken to the junkyard where it belongs?”

“How dare you, Strawberry Shortcake!” Todd gasped and wrapped his stubby arms around Lola’s tire. “This is the greatest single vehicle in the history of the planet.”

“It may not look very pleasing,” Cupiditas reminisced, “but we have some fond memories in this vehicle. It was one of the first places where Jacob made love to Libidine and me.”

“And it was the car that helped us escape Heaven,” Eligor added. “It survived the onslaught of Metatron and his goons, and that makes it a winner in my book.”

“Damn straight.” Todd nodded before he kissed Lola’s tire. “My baby’s back, and she’s not going anywhere. Literally. She ain’t going back down to Hell, and there’s no way in a million years I’m letting Ollie drive her. Nobody touches Lola but moi. And sometimes Jakey. But that’s only when I’m there to watch.”

“How peculiar,” Sia mused. “At least it’s staying here, in this garage. What kind of gas mileage does a vehicle like this get, anyway? Fifteen per gallon?”

“Fifteen miles per gallon?” the imp chuckled. “Do I look like a millionaire? Lola gets a whoppin’ ten. And that’s on the highway. If I don’t turn on the air.”

Superbia looked like she wanted to say something else, but then she just shook her head and went silent.

It was strange. Even though Sia had been with us for longer than any team member outside of Liby and Cupi, she’d never seen Lola before. The car had been destroyed before she joined our crew, and she wasn’t present during our jailbreak a few months ago.

As much as the yellow Volvo looked like a piece of shit and ran like a piece of shit, it at least had character.

“Come on, Todd,” I smirked as I headed toward the back corner of the garage, “Lola will still be here next time we’re back on Earth.”

“It’s okay, baby,” the imp whispered to his car loudly, “Daddy’s gonna go away for a little while, but I’ll be back. Keep yourself all nice and lubricated while I’m gone, okay?”

“We should probably leave,” Cupi shuddered, “before this gets even weirder.”

I couldn’t agree more.

In the back corner of the garage, immediately next to the workbench, sat a large wooden crate covered by a torn-up blue tarp. Though it was hidden away and inconspicuous, the crate contained the most important tool at our disposal.

Underneath the tattered tarp and the rotting wooden crate sat our own personal portal to Hell.

“I still don’t get why we gotta hide that thing away,” Todd mumbled as I tore the plastic covering from the cube. “We could totally set up an extra side hustle where we take people down for a tour of your kingdom and shit. I can see it now … ‘For the small price of a thousand dollars, you too can journey into the pits of fire and experience the great despair that probably awaits you after you die. We take cash, credit, and bitcoin.’”

“And that’s why it’s hidden,” I explained with a roll of my eyes. “You joke, but there are probably lots of people who’d actually try that shit. Besides, I don’t want, like, our landscaper to accidentally stumble into the Fourth Circle of Hell by accident or anything like that.”

I gently lifted up the crate and shifted it to the side. Instantly, my face was engulfed with a radiant green light from the portal as its emerald Hellfire swirled around like a whirlpool in the middle of the concrete.

“I’ll go first,” Eligor announced abruptly as she tore off her school girl outfit. “I want to get back to Hell as soon as possible. My mistress will want to know all about what just went down.”

Without another word, the blonde knight sauntered up to the edge of the portal, wiggled her body, and then jumped up into the air. She passed through the interdimensional portal in seconds, and then it was only the four of us left.

“I can go next,” Sia suggested. “Just please be sure to put the crate back on when you’re done, alright?”

“I wouldn’t dream of forgetting,” I chuckled as the petite redhead walked forward.

The succubus madame took a few hasty steps, tossed herself a few inches in the air, and then disappeared through the jade glow.

“Cupi?” I nodded to the Sister of Greed. “I guess that means--”

“Bombs away!” I heard Todd cackle as a tiny red blur sped past me.

The imp jumped up into the air, tucked his knees up into his chest, and then cannonballed directly into the glowing portal of Hellfire.

Cupi and I exchanged an amused look before the succubus strutted over to the portal. She gave me a final nod, and then she hopped in.

Now, it was my turn.

I called forth my green Hellfire, spread it around the crate and tarp, and then lifted them up into the air above me. It was simple, all I had to do was drag the two articles down as I went through the portal, and then they would hide it once more.

Usually, I had a cultist or two to help out with this, but I figured I could do it on my own this time.

I scooted to the edge of the interdimensional portal, took a deep breath, and then jumped in. As my feet went through the ground, I made sure to keep my glowing green hand above my head. I looked up to make sure the spell was still working, and the last thing I saw before I was transported through space and time was the darkness of the crate landing on top of the portal.

“Great success,” as Todd liked to say.

The world went black for a moment as my body became weightless, and my head began to spin. However, it wasn’t dizziness or a headache. Instead, it was a peaceful feeling, almost as if my mind had been completely cleared of any worries or fears I’d ever had in my entire life.

And then, as quickly as the sensation started, it was over.

I opened my eyes to see I was standing on top of the outer wall of my castle. Todd, Sia, Cupi, and Eligor were all waiting for me, and their eyes lit up when I finally arrived.

“You had us worried for a second there,” Sia admitted.

“Awww, come on,” I joked, “I was only traveling through space and time, powered by nothing but a magic spell that comes from the very depths of Hell. What could have gone wrong?”

“Jacob, you’re back!” I heard Libidine gasp from above.

I looked up to see the dark-haired succubus descending on us from the sky.

She had a determined look on her face, but she appeared to be out of breath as she landed.

“You alright, Lib?” Todd questioned. “You look more winded than a chick who just went through her first bukkakke scene.”

All of us gave the imp a look of horror, but he just shrugged and laughed it off like normal.

“I was worried you weren’t coming,” Libidine explained. “The girls are back for their final round of interviews.”

“Oh shit!” Todd exclaimed as he slapped himself on the forehead. “That was today, wasn’t it?”

“Final round of interviews?” I questioned. “I thought that’s what the mission was for? All five of the girls more than proved their worth out there in the field.”

“I know, bro,” the imp retorted, “they’ve all got the job, but you gotta make sure they think they don’t have the job. That’s what this last little splurt of interviews is for.”

“I think you mean ‘spurt,’” Sia tried to correct, but Todd shook his head.

“I know what I said, Strawberry Shortcake,” he admitted. “I’m gonna go throw on my best interviewer suit, and then I’ll meet you two down in the war room. Sound like a plan?”

“I guess,” I muttered, “but I really don’t think this is nec--”

“Up, up, and awwaaaaaayyyyy!” Todd exclaimed as he zipped up into the air, surrounded by black Hellfire, and then headed toward the “T” tower.

“I guess we’re doing the final round of interviews today,” I sighed to Sia. “I dunno about you, but I’m not changing. Do we need to have anything prepared, or what?”

“I’m not preparing anything,” the succubus admitted. “By this point, I know all the basic interview questions. Since these girls have already shown they have the right skills for the job, we need to go a bit deeper and dive into something much more important … ”

“What would that be?” I questioned.

“Their loyalty,” Sia stated plainly. “Especially after this debacle with Gamigin, we need to make sure anyone we’re adding to our team is committed to you, and only you. We’re talking about giving them power the likes of which a normal succubus would never see in her entire life.”

“They’ll be loyal,” Cupi suggested. “If they’re anything like the rest of my sisters and me, they’ll fall right in line. Jacob is a kind King, one who is willing to go against the natural order and give them these great powers. That alone will buy their loyalty.”

“I hope so,” I agreed. “Now, let’s get down there. I don’t want to keep them waiting for too long.”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to head back to Lilith’s dwelling,” Eligor said as she cleared her throat. “There is much I need to tell her about.”

“Where is Lilith’s domain, anyways?” I pondered aloud as I rapped on my chin. “She doesn’t have, like, her own special Circle or something, does she?”

“It’s confidential information,” the blonde knight retorted. “When Lilith is ready to tell you, she will tell you. But, until then, it remains between me and the Demon Queen.”

“Alright, fine,” I joked, “keep your secrets. Just be sure to come back before we decide to make a move on Gamigin.”

“Will do,” Eligor agreed as she sprouted her black angel wings with a flash of purple.

Then the Knight of Hell crouched down, backflipped into the air, flew off into the distance.

“I’ll go back to the coliseum,” Cupi interjected. “Surely Daniel and the rest of the Shades missed my training regiments while I was gone.”

“Surely,” I chuckled and watched Cupi walk away in the opposite direction.

“I’ll walk with you two down to the War Room,” Libidine offered, “I want to hear all about your adventure on Earth!”

Sia and I explained everything that went down in Mesa as we headed over to the spiral staircase of the nearest watchtower. We told her all about the Tartaruchi and their plan, and how Metatron was wary of us trying to usurp Lucifer. The beautiful succubus seemed to hang on my every word, and before I knew it, we were at the door of our meeting room.

“… and that’s where we are now,” I sighed. “We have to keep our alliance with the Exalted One intact, but we also can’t just wait around for Lucifer to make the first move. Especially since it sounds like he already has.”

“If the Tartaruchi wasn’t lying,” Sia added. “Although I’m no fan of Metatron, he has good reason to be wary.”

“Ugh, more Tartaruchi?” I heard Deja’s voice gag. “They’re like, hella getting on my nerves lately.”

“You’re … early?” Sia asked, though she wasn’t sure. “Or are we late?”

“I dunno,” the brunette succubus shrugged, “I’m used to serving the California area, so time is irrelevant. It always depends on the traffic.”

“Great,” I chuckled, “so we can get started asap. Follow us.”

“Can I sit in on these interviews too, Jacob?” Libidine asked hopefully. “I’d love to meet all these newcomers to our family!”

“Of course you can,” I agreed and put my arm around the dark-haired beauty. “Honestly, it’s just a formality at this point. I’m not even sure why Todd even set them up.”

“Speaking of which,” Sia mused, “should we wait on Todd? He said he’d meet us down here.”

“We might be waiting for a long time,” I joked as I opened up the door, “if he got distracted by some of his weed or got the itch to choke one out, he’s not gonna be here any time--”

My jaw hit the floor when I saw what awaited me inside the War Room.

The entire place had been renovated. Over the dark brimstone of the walls and floor were dark blue and purple neon lights that stretched as far as the eye could see. The circular table that normally sat at the room’s center was now gone, replaced by a bright circle that displayed large cursive letters and two futuristic seats placed in front of a small screen. All around the perimeter of the room was audience seating, and I saw Gula, Ariel, Tris, and Mephisto were all present. Then, on the back wall there was sprawled a circular logo.

Who Wants to be Jakey’s Succubus?

Holy fuck.

Meanwhile, Todd was sitting in one of the futuristic seats, wearing a tiny suit and tie. He fumbled at the screen, looked over the cue cards in his hand, and then excitedly tossed them to the side when he saw us.

“Jakey!” he exclaimed in an over-excited New York accent. “Do ya like what I did with the place? I had ‘em renovate it while we were all back on Earth. This is gonna be the best round of final interviews the world’s ever seen!”

“Don’t you think this might be a tad … overkill?” I asked as I tried to hide my surprise.

“Overkill?” Todd scoffed. “No such thing, bro. I originally wanted to do Deal or No Deal, but we don’t have enough succubi yet.”

“I kinda like it,” Deja admitted. “I’ve always wanted to be on TV.”

“That’s the spirit!” the imp giggled as he clapped his hands together. “Now, if you guys wanna take your seats, we can get this party started.”

Liby, Sia, and, I sauntered over to where our friends sat in the audience and then got comfortable in the chairs.

How will we conduct war meetings in here? Mephisto questioned as I sat down. I appreciate the integration of technology into our strategic planning space, but this seating is not optimal. We’ll have to call across the room to each other.

“That’s not an issue for you,” I reminded the telepathic Demon Lord sarcastically. “But, if we have to, we can just move the normal table and chairs back in here when it’s all done. No biggie.”

I hear our council will be down a member? The Master of Whispers said in a disappointed, almost regretful tone. I apologize for bringing Gamigin into this. I was the one who coerced him to join our forces, and I take full responsibility for his betrayal.

“Nonsense,” I reassured the orange demon, “You did exactly what we asked you to do. You went out and found one of the cast-out Demon Lords of Hell and convinced him to join our cause. There was no way you could have known he was going to turn out to be such an asshole.”

Gamigin has always been an asshole, he sighed, but I thought his talent as a strategist would outweigh his temperament. I also assumed he would show some loyalty to you, since you are the only Demon King in Hell who wanted to take him in.

“That changed real quick,” I noted. “Now, he’s all cozy with the Unholy Trio, probably giving them the layouts and plans to my castle as we speak.”

Doubtful, Mephisto explained. It’s too early in the process. They may get to that point eventually, but right now their focus is on Abbadon and the Seventh Circle. Nothing can progress until they break through those lines.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” I chuckled, “but thank fuck for Abbadon.”

Suddenly, the lights went down in the room, and then a series of spotlights shone over and illuminated Todd and Deja. At the same time, there was a loud, bass-filled “dundundun.”

“Hello everyone, and welcome to Who Wants to be Jakey’s Succubus?” Todd announced. “Today’s contestant is none other than … what was your name again? I’ll always remember you as the ‘Snoop Dogg’ girl.”

“Deja,” the perky brunette said with a giggle. “Short for Deja Vu.”

“Ahhhhh,” the imp noted as he scribbled something down on a notecard. “Clockblocker. Got it.”

“That’s not my--”

“Alright, Clockblocker, it’s time for your first question!” Todd interrupted. “This one’s an easy one … How awesome is Jakey? A, not awesome at all. B, kinda awesome. C, really awesome. Or D, I don’t know who Jakey is.”

“Uh … C?” Deja asked with a shrug.

The music swelled for suspense, but then Todd clapped his hands together happily.

“That is correct!” he exclaimed, and Deja threw up her hands happily. “Now, for question two … Do you promise to pledge your loyalty to Jacob Ralston, King of the Fourth Circle, as well as his super-awesome friends? A, yes. B, no. C, maybe. D, again, I don’t know who this “Jakey” guy is.”

“A!” Deja scoffed. “It wouldn’t be anything other than ‘A.’”

“Correct!” Regis-Todd cackled.

“This is easy,” she laughed. “Like, every job interview should be like this.”

“Alright,” Todd shifted back into a serious tone, “last question.”

“Bring it on,” Deja said as she crossed her arms over her chest and leaned forward confidently.

“What term describes the part of your brain that controls your arousal, as well as regulates your sleep, mood, and blood pressure?” the imp asked. “Is it A, the Oblongata. B, the Norepinephrine. C, the Choroid Plexus. Or D, the Basal Gangila?”

The smile faded from Deja’s face, and she recoiled back into her chair in horror.

“I, uh … can I use a lifeline?” she questioned. “I want to phone a friend.”

“Sure thing, Clockblocker.” Todd nodded. “Who do you want to call?”

Deja scanned the small crowd for a minute, and then she perked up and pointed at Mephisto.

“He looks like he knows anatomy!” she exclaimed. “I’ll go with the orange guy.”

Uh, I don’t really know--

“You have thirty seconds,” Todd cut off the Master of Whispers. “Go!”

Uh, well … I know the oblongata is part of the brain stem … Mephisto pondered. And “Basal Ganglia” sounds like one of Todd’s made up words …

“Ten seconds!” Todd interjected.

I would go with C, the Choroid Plexus.

“How sure are you?” Deja gasped.

I’m about--

Todd made an obnoxiously loud buzzer sound with his mouth to indicate that time was up.

“So, what’s it gonna be?” he asked as he turned back to the brunette in the chair. “You have thirty seconds.”

“I’m gonna trust my gut on this one,” Deja announced proudly. “The big orange dude thought it was C, and orange is my favorite color. I’m going with ‘C.’”

“Is that your final answer?” the imp drawled to create suspense.

“It is.” Deja nodded, and the air was filled with fake tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.

A butter knife, that is.

“Ohhhhh, I’m sorry,” Todd sighed, “the answer was ‘B, the Norepinephrine.”

“D-Does that mean I can’t be part of the team?” the succubus asked, now on the verge of tears. “Because that would be a serious fucking bummer.”

“What?” Todd chuckled. “Of course not. The first two questions were the only ones that mattered. You passed!”

Deja stood up from her chair, threw her arms over her head in celebration, and then let out a scream of joy. Then she ran over and hugged the imp tightly as I just shook my head at the rest of the team.

Another wrong choice, Mephisto noted, perhaps I’m losing my touch?

“Don’t beat yourself up too much,” I reassured the Demon Lord. “Even Jordan couldn’t shoot one-hundred percent.”

The orange demon’s eyebrow quirked in confusion.

“Not even Legolas can hit every orc,” I tried again.

“The movie version could, bro!” Todd called out from afar.

Mephisto still shook his head and shrugged.

“What I’m saying is even the best of the best is allowed to fuck up sometimes,” I finally conceded. “You’ve been a loyal subject, and you’ve done great things for the Fourth Circle. We’ll be forever in your debt, Gamigin be damned.”

Thank you, my King, Mephisto responded with a slight bow.

We all sat there and watched as Todd repeated the Millionaire process with Inpulsa, Eclipse, and Mirage. They all went exactly the same way, Todd would ask them if they thought I was awesome, then if they would swear their loyalty, and then some super-complicated question they would get wrong. Each one passed, and then we finally came to Eve.

The beautiful, wild-haired redhead got through the first two questions easily enough, but then Todd got serious.

“Alright, Eve,” he mused, “this last one’s a doozy. Which of the following is a real, scientific name of a species that roamed the Earth billions of years ago? Is it A, Oxyprimus galadrielae. B, Megatronous frodus. C, Sondwyve mortimis. Or D, Bumblebae gandalfae?”

“Is this a joke?” Eve mused with a sly smile.

“Uh, you can totally use a lifeline if you want, Eve,” the imp explained. “Maybe you wanna ask the audience or--”

“It’s A,” Eve scoffed. “Everybody knows Oxyprimus galadrielae were the most interesting mammals to roam the pre-human world.”

“That’s … that’s correct!” Todd exclaimed. “Eve, you have the distinction of winning … well, to be honest I didn’t really think anyone was gonna get this far. But you totally get bragging rights.”

“That will do for now.” Eve grinned, and then she got up from her chair. “As long as I am accepted into King Ralston’s company, I consider myself the most rewarded woman in the universe.”

I felt a warm blush creep across my face. Eve really knew how to give a guy a compliment.

I couldn’t help but wonder if she brought that same sort of loving attention with her in the bedroom. My pants tightened as she approached the audience and then leaned against the railing.

Her thick cleavage was put on full display, and I tried my best not to stare.

I wasn’t very successful.

“How do you think I did?” she cooed. “Todd acted surprised that I passed.”

“You were the only one who got the last question right,” I admitted.

Eve’s expression dropped into a look of concern.

“Did the other girls not pass?” the redhead questioned. “I was hoping we would all make it through. The five of us made a killer team, if I do say so myself.”

“You all made it through,” I explained. “Todd just made the last question super difficult so he could have his game show host moment.”

“Todd,” Superbia spoke up as she stood from her seat, “call the rest of the girls back in here. I want to inform them all of the good news.”

“So official,” Eve whispered in a hushed giggle, “but why do I get the feeling she’s not the same way in bed?”

“I can’t make a comment on that,” I responded coyly. “A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

“That’s good to hear,” the redhead purred, “I would hate for everyone in the castle to know the kinda things I say during the throes of passion. Even though they might hear it through the walls, during. That all depends on if the rumors I hear about you are true.”

I gulped nervously at the thought of Eve’s massive breasts bouncing in my face while she rode me like a pony.

“Girls, if you could all go stand in the middle of the room, please!” Sia called out as the rest of the succubi walked in. “I have something very important to tell you all.”

“Gotta go,” Eve said with a wink. “My new madame is calling.”

I watched the succubus’ ass jiggle as she walked away, and my mind went to all sorts of dirty places.

There is something familiar about that one, Mephisto’s voice broke through my trance. I can’t really put my finger on it, though.

“Of course, she looks familiar, Great Pumpkin,” Todd admitted as he waddled over to us, “she’s a smokin’ redhead who’s into Jakey. We’ve already got, like, three of those.”

“None of them are like her, though,” I admitted. “Something about Eve is just … really alluring.”

“Oh, yeah,” Todd snickered as he held out his hands about a foot in front of his chest to simulate boobs. “She’s definitely got those allures, alright.”

Todd giggled at his own joke, and even the usually emotionless Mephisto let out a telepathic “ha.”

“I just made the Great Pumpkin laugh, bro!” Todd exclaimed before he switched back to his Regis voice. “It’s a miracle!”

“Alright, girls,” Superbia announced. “Now that you have all gone through your interview process, we have come to the end of the line. I am pleased to let you know that, after much deliberation, Jacob, Todd, and I have decided to accept you into our inner circle.”

The five women at the center of the room all let out cheers of joy, and then they began to celebrate by hugging each other and jumping up and down and laughing joyously. Meanwhile, all of us in the audience clapped at the thought of these powerful women becoming our next batch of Demon Lords.

“Does that mean we can do the ceremony right here and now?” Mirage spoke up, and the room went silent.

“Not quite yet,” Superbia explained. “Jacob just returned from a grueling mission on Earth, and he’s very tired. Also, I wanted to see how you functioned with the rest of the team before we turned you into full-fledged Demon Lords.”

“Fair enough.” Eve nodded. “I wouldn’t want Jacob at seventy-five percent, anyway. I want him at full capacity.”

My heart hammered in my chest as the succubus’ purple eyes fell on me, and she grinned from ear to ear.

“Now, if you’ll follow Ariel here,” Sia continued, “she will show you our wonderful coliseum.”

“Come on, guys!” the bubbly angel called out as she hopped to her feet and then started to jog down toward the stairs. “If we hurry, I can maybe take us on a quick running tour of the Fourth Circle before we go.”

All five of the new succubi feigned excitement, but I was sure none of them wanted to go jogging.

“I think I might go with them,” Libidine spoke up. “What better way to get to know these newcomers than to spar with them in combat?”

“It doesn’t get much more intimate than that, Lib,” Todd agreed. “Comin’ at each other with nine hard inches of steel … penetrating their armor deep … beating your opponent off with massive clubs … it’s about as close as you can get to another person.”

“No homo?” I prompted the imp.

“Why would I need to say that, Jakey?” Todd asked innocently. “I’m talking about sparring here. Get your mind outta the gutter, bro. Sheesh.”

I shall go with them, as well, Mephisto added. Now that I am your main strategist, I need to observe the new succubi. If I can learn their fighting styles, abilities, strengths, and weaknesses, I can use that knowledge to create a strategic advantage.

“Go for it.” I nodded to the tall orange demon. “What about the rest of you? You all going with Sia and the new hires, too?”

“Nah, bro,” Todd admitted, “I’m gonna go back to my tower and start working on the next episode of Tuesdays with the Toddster. Every elf babe I private message on Pornhub doesn’t reply back to me, but I think I may actually get that Zeitmann guy on the show finally.”

“Haven’t we talked about this before?” I warned the imp. “We don’t need to feed John Zeitmann’s ego by confirming all the shit he’s saying about us. Fuck, the dude’s practically making a living off one teeny tiny incident that happened almost three years ago.”

“I know, right?” Todd retorted with wonder. “Milking your fifteen minutes of fame for years and years and years? That’s like, the American dream, bro.”

“Just … don’t have him on your show,” I sighed. “Please.”

“Fine, fine,” Todd agreed with a wave of his hand. “I’ll call back and cancel. Again. But I’m still doing my podcast!”

“Podcast away, Toddster,” I chuckled. “Podcast away until your little heart’s content.” Then I turned to the last remaining members of our audience. “What about you two?”

“I dunno,” Tris shrugged, “I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

“I should be getting back to the restaurant district,” Gula admitted, “I’ve discovered that, when I’m not around, the Shades can’t cook to save their lives. We may be in Hell, but I want everyone to face down their eternal damnation with a belly full of delicious food!”

“Aw, come on, Gula,” Tris giggled as she pulled out a doobie. “Hang around with me for awhile. It’ll be just like old times.”

Gula crossed her arms over her chest as she thought it over, but then she finally conceded.

“What the Hell?” She grinned. “These people are gonna be down here forever. What’s it gonna hurt if they have one bad meal or two?”

“That’s more like it!” the Sister of Sloth laughed and slapped her sister on the back.

As I watched Sia, Liby, and Mephisto lead the new recruits out of the room, I couldn’t help but think about the possibilities this opened up. Soon, I would have five more Demon Lords on my side.

If I kept up with this pace, the Unholy Trio would be at my feet in no time.

Chapter 13

Tris, Gula, and I exited the remodeled War Room casually and then headed down further into the bowels of the castle.

“I’ve been thinking,” Tris said as she took a puff off her blunt, “what the fuck even happens in the rest of this castle? It’s like, hundreds of thousands of square feet on each floor, but we only use a few rooms.”

“Tell me about it,” I chuckled, “Sia and I have tried to figure out how to efficiently use each and every part of this palace, but there’s just too much room for the number of people who live here. Hell, even when all of you are visiting, plus Mephisto, plus my parents, plus Eligor, there are still entire wings of this place that go unused.”

“Don’t feel too bad,” Gula shrugged, “it was the same way when Azazel had control of the Fourth Circle. He tried to fill up all of the spare rooms with ‘trophies,’ aka the remains of his slain enemies, but even then it felt vast and empty.”

“Vast and empty,” Tris pondered thoughtfully, “just like life, man.”

“Stop it, Sister,” Gula sighed. “You’re starting to sound like Invidia.”

“I’m just speaking the truth, Gula,” Tris chuckled and shook the blunt in front of the redhead’s face. “Todd and I created this strain to unlock the secrets of the mind, dude. It’s called ‘Mint Mindfucker’ for a reason.”

“Because it tastes like mint?” I joked.

“What?” the baked-out Tris scoffed. “No, man. One hit off this baby, and you’ll be philosophizing harder than that weirdo we met in the First Circle.”

“He wasn’t actually a philosopher, remember?” I reminded the brunette. “It was Lucifer in disguise.”

“And?” Tris shrugged and took another hit. “He was still talking about shit that was way above my mental paygrade. That, and he wrote some damn good erotic historical fan fiction. He had to be on something to come up with all that shit.”

“Lucifer doesn’t do drugs, Tris,” Gula sighed. “Whatever twisted things he wrote down in those books of his, he came up with them on his own.”

“Twisted isn’t the right word,” Tris retorted, “it was beautiful. Did I ever tell you about the story he wrote between Alexander the Great and Benjamin Franklin? It was, like, the greatest love story since, well, ever. Parts of it nearly had me in tears.”

“I think maybe you’ve been hitting the weed a little too hard,” I snorted at the thought of the book she described.

“Nah,” the Sister of Sloth dismissed, and then she pulled the blunt from her mouth and offered it to us. “Either of you guys want a puff? It’ll blow your minds.”

“I’m good … ” Gula shook her head, but there was some hesitation in her voice.

“Oh, come on, Gula,” Tris cajoled. “You never had this problem before we left Azazel. Before that, we were sucking up reefer like it was going out of style.”

“I just don’t want to seem unprofessional, that’s all,” the redhead explained. “I’m a head chef now and all, and I can’t be going into work high or anything like that.”

“Gula,” I chuckled and held out my hand, “how could having the munchies all the time be a bad thing for a head chef? Some of the greatest food creations in the world have been made by people who were stoned out of their minds.”

“Like that taco that’s made with nacho cheese chips,” Tris added. “Or the sandwich where the bun was literally two pieces of fried chicken. Whoever came up with that shit had to be baaaaked.”

I snatched the blunt from the Sister of Sloth’s hand, put it up to my mouth, and inhaled deeply. The smoke was somehow sweet, dank, and warm all at the same time, and I instantly felt myself relaxing. When I finally finished my hit, I held it out to Gula.

“See?” I coughed through the smoke. “It’s good stuff.”

“If you say so … ” Gula said as she hesitantly grabbed the blunt from my hand.

The Sister of Gluttony held it up to her lips, took a long, deep puff, and then blew the smoke up into the air. The tension in her shoulders relaxed instantly, and her face slumped into a satisfied expression.

“Wow,” she whistled, “I think that’s the best one I’ve had in years.”

“Todd and I got our best Shades working on it,” Tris explained. “Some of the greatest scientific minds throughout history are down here, and they all put their brains together to come up with a handful of strains that are perfect down to their very chemistry. We’ve got an entire operation going and everything. Just don’t tell the fuzz.”

“I’m the King of the Fourth Circle, Tris … ” I reminded her, but she was too stoned to understand.

“That’s why I’m telling you this right now,” she said as she got extremely serious. “The cops around here are trying to crack down on our operation, but we’ve been able to stay one step ahead of them the entire time. Our scientists are working out of underground labs, and our dealers are hitting people up in the middle of the night under the cover of the noise in the Screaming Fields. But if anyone can protect us from the popo, it’s you. So, while I’ve got your ear, I want to talk deals … ”

“Tris,” I said as I tried to hold in a laugh, “weed’s legal in the Fourth Circle. Nobody’s going to arrest you or shut you down. I decreed that like, a year ago.”

Tris’ body language changed completely as she took in my words. Her serious demeanor changed into a relaxed one, and she let out a large sigh of relief.

“Whew,” she chuckled nervously. “That’s a relief. Todd gave me this whole long speech to memorize that would convince you, but I kept forgetting parts of it. I just remember the long and short of it had me telling you ‘I am the one who knocks’ and reminding you ‘I am the danger.’”

“Those are the only parts of that speech anyone remembers, anyway,” I snorted. “I’m definitely not gonna say your name, though.”

Tris and Gula both looked at me with confusion as the Sister of Sloth took another hit.

“It’s a--never mind,” I sighed. “Pop culture reference.”

“I’ve always wanted to know more about Earth culture,” Gula admitted as she puffed. “Most of what I know comes in the form of cooking shows. My schedule was always super-packed while I was up there.”

“There is one thing I’ve learned from Earth culture that I can teach you,” Tris said devilishly as she reached into her pocket and pulled out five more joints. “It’s called hotboxing. Now, let’s go find one of these empty rooms … ”

“Please, Sister,” Gula chuckled, “as much as I’m sure Jacob would want to ‘hotbox’ the room with you, he’s probably got way more important things to do like--”

“That sounds like a great idea,” I cut off the redhead.

I’d noticed Gula had been a lot more tense since she had become a Demon Lord. She was used to working with top-level chefs on multimillion-dollar television shows, but being in charge of an entire territory of the Fourth Circle was a whole different beast.

Maybe submitting to Tris’ brand of relaxation would take the edge off a little bit.

I know it definitely would for me.

“Alrriggght,” the brunette succubus giggled.

Tris began going from room-to-room, opening doors as she looked for a perfect room for her devilish idea. Finally, after careful inspection, she found one. Tris looked back at the two of us, smiled sluggishly, and then motioned for us to follow.

“Succubi first,” I joked as I stepped aside to let Gula in.

“I normally don’t smoke,” the Sister of Gluttony sighed, “I’m supposed to be back at the Monte Crisco Cafe in two hours. It’ll be really hard to manage a kitchen if I’m high as a kite.”

“You’re managing the Monte Crisco?” I questioned as I followed her into the room. “I thought you were managing the Inferno Room?”

“I am,” she confirmed, “and I’m managing the Devil’s Gate and the St. Elmo’s Fire and the Grand Demon Diner. Basically, all of the restaurants in the Culinary District.”

“Jesus,” I whistled. “I don’t know anything about the restaurant biz, but I definitely know that’s too many. Why haven’t you asked for help?”

The voluptuous redhead looked down sheepishly and let out a deep sigh.

“You’ve been busy, Jacob,” she admitted, “you’ve had a lot on your plate, especially with all these alliances and with Gamigin betraying you and all these missions you’ve gone on … I didn’t want to bother you with stupid, unimportant stuff like that.”

“Gula,” I reassured her as I touched her cheek tenderly, “I know you want to do your best to make me proud as a Demon Lord, but what you’re doing is insanity. You’re going to burn out quickly, and that’ll be bad for everyone involved.”

“What’s this I hear about burning out?” Tris spoke up from the other side of the room. “The only thing that’s gonna get ‘burnt’ in here is these blunts, my fine dude and dudette.”

“I’m making a decree,” I said as I returned to Gula, “From now on, you can only run three restaurants, max. For your sake, and for the sake of all of the entire team.”

“Only three?” Gula pouted, though I could see she was grateful for my declaration. “How am I possibly going to narrow it down to my top three restaurants?”

“I think you can figure it out.” I shrugged. “Besides, you can still keep being ‘in charge’ of them all. But you’re going to hand off management duties to a few of the Shades, okay? Surely you can find somebody who’s competent enough to handle the rest of them … ”

“I don’t know,” Gula argued, “I’m really picky about my craft.”

“What do you have to be picky about?” I laughed. “If your food sucks, you can always just change up the menu. And it’s not like we have a health inspector down here.”

“Actually, we do,” the redhead sighed, “it was one of Ira’s newest torture methods for the Shades of our Circle. They show up at least once a week, completely unannounced, and then go around critiquing every single little thing about our establishments.”

“All the more reason for you to relinquish control to the Shades,” I pointed out. “They’re the ones who have been damned to this place for all eternity. Being a Demon Lord with their own territory is supposed to be a reward, not a punishment.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Gula finally agreed. “I’ll narrow it down to four restaurants.”

“Three,” I reminded her with a cocked eyebrow.

“Fine,” the succubus giggled, “three.”

“Are you guys done talking business?” Tris spoke up from the other side of the room. “All this talk of ‘management’ and ‘responsibilities’ is making me fucking exhausted. And everybody knows the only way to fight exhaustion is with a hit from the Devil’s Lettuce.”

“Doesn’t that actually just make you more bored?” I asked coyly.

“Nonsense,” Tris chuckled. “This shit Todd and I cooked up will take you to a whole other plane of existence. It’ll open your eyes to shit you never even knew was possible, man.”

The Sister of Sloth was sitting on an old barrel that stood about three feet tall, with a lid nearly two feet wide. It was made out of wood that looked ancient, covered with plenty of dirty smudges and a few spots where the wood had been chipped off to leave jagged, pointed splinters. The same sort of barrels were scattered throughout the room, each one branded with a large “A” written in a chiller-like font.

“What was this place?” I questioned aloud.

“The remodelers must not have gotten to this room,” Gula noted as she walked over and placed her hand on the top of another barrel. “It’s the wine cellar, and it looks exactly the same as it did when Azazel was in power.”

“So, all these barrels are full of Azazel’s personal stash of wine?” I asked rhetorically as I walked around and admired the sheer inventory of the place.

“Wine, whiskey, rum … ” Gula mused, “basically anything that can be stored in a barrel for aging.”

“Wait … ” I announced as a wonderful thought came into my head. “How old is this shit?”

“I dunno,” the redhead shrugged, “a few thousand years? Maybe a few hundred, at the least.”

A goofy grin spread across my face as I thought about the possibilities. We had sitting before us an entire stock room of the oldest alcohol in the world, potentially in the entire universe. It probably tasted fucking amazing.

And if it was that amazing, we could use it to our advantage.

“Do you guys know what this means?” I asked happily. “We can use this shit as a bargaining chip. I’m sure there are other Demon Lords and Demon Kings who would kill for shit like this. Not to mention, we could make a killing on Earth if we ever tried to sell it.”

“If I didn’t already have a whole criminal empire built up down here, I’d totally volunteer to take that over,” Tris offered half-heartedly as she took a puff of her joint and blew it into the air. “I just don’t have the kinda time for that right now.”

“Sister Superbia would be all over that idea,” Gula agreed. “Also, I could make quite the impression if I featured this in my restaurants. We’d bring in demons from all over Hell …”

“Exactly!” I continued. “It’d be great PR for us, to boot. If we can get demons from the other Circles coming here and seeing how awesome the Fourth Circle is under my reign, maybe we can get them to come over to our side. Of course, with all the shit that went down with Gamigin, we’d need some sort of vetting process or something, but this could be a huge deal.”

“As long as it tastes good,” Tris noted as she took another puff. “Nobody’s coming to the Fourth Circle for skunky wine, my dude.”

“There’s only one way to find out.” I nodded and then headed over to a set of barrels stacked up against the wall.

They all had a large “R” engraved into their body, right next to Azazel’s mark. I assumed it had something to do with the content inside, but I wanted to make sure.

But first, we needed some drinking utensils.

I noticed a few rubber mallets with iron handles hanging up on the wall. Those would be perfect.

I summoned silver Hellfire into my hands, cast it around the handles, and liquified them into a floating puddle of metal. Then I commanded the fluid to reform itself into three small drinking cups that I set casually on top of a nearby cask.

Once the cups were formed, there was only one step left. These fucking things had been sitting around gathering dust for lord knows how long, and before that they’d been in some Shade’s sweaty hands. I definitely needed to sterilize the cups before we put them up to our mouths.

So, I summoned red Hellfire into my hand, walked up to the cups, and then blasted a tiny shot of the spell into each one. The iron began to glow white-hot as the fire heated them to immeasurable levels, and then I decast the spell.

Finally, once the heat had subsided, I snatched the first cup up, held it underneath the barrel of a nearby spigot, and then turned the knob. The spigot made a sound like a gurgling cough, and then a dark brown liquid started to pour out like a waterfall of alcohol. I filled the first cup, set it down on the barrel immediately to my left, and then repeated the action with the next two cups. Finally, I engulfed two of the vessels with a shot of green Hellfire, lifted them up into the air, and then moved them over to the two succubi.

Gula and Tris both snatched the cups from the air and inspected them closely.

“Ooooh,” Gula said. “I think this is the rum. That’s gotta be at least two centuries old.”

I raised the glass up in the air to propose a toast, and Gula and Tris both followed suit.

“Bottoms up,” I announced, and then I took a long gulp of the alcohol.

The second the liquid hit my tongue, my mouth was filled with the sweet taste of toasted sugar and warm spices, topped off with a slight oakey undertone.

Holy shit, this was good.

“Definitely rum,” Gula coughed as she slapped herself on the chest. “Heavily spiced rum.”

“It’s fucking amazing, isn’t it?” I laughed and then finished off the cup.

“I’m not sure,” Tris admitted. “The taste is kinda blending together with all the weed I’ve been smoking, and let me tell you, it’s a really fucking weird sensation. Like dank and sweet all at the same time.”

The succubus finished off her drink with a large gulp, and then she began to place the other joints into her mouth, one-by-one. Once all five were dangling from her lips, she lit them with her Hellfire and inhaled deeply. Tris grabbed the doobies with the skin between her index and middle fingers, and then exhaled a literal cloud of reefer smoke.

“Weed and rum,” I observed, “I think we’ve got this whole ‘relaxation’ thing covered.”

For the next thirty minutes or so, the three of us chilled out in the wine cellar. We tried each of the different brews Azazel had created, from his wine to his whiskey to even some scotch and brandy. They all went down smooth as silk, and before long we were slightly tipsy.

On top of the alcohol, Tris continued to hotbox the room with her seemingly endless supply of joints. Slowly but surely, I felt myself becoming more and more sluggish and loose as the two depressants took control of my body. The effects were not lost on Gula and Tris, either. The two succubi were sitting next to each other, happy but somewhat out of it.

We talked about all sorts of random shit. Gula told us horror stories about the patrons of her restaurants, while Tris explained the process her and Todd had gone through to try and make the normally-barren soil of the Fourth Circle fertile. Tris liked to tell everyone she was dumb, but I knew the truth from my experiences on my team: the beautiful woman was a genius, and she almost always found elegant solutions to everyone’s problems.

“The secret is all in the seeds, my dude,” the brunette slurred. “So normally, the rocky soil down here doesn’t have enough nutrients for anything to grow. Even though the Eternal Greens has more fertile soil than the rest of the Fourth Circle, it’s still a bitch to get anything to grow well. That’s why I came up with a solution that… ”

“Let me guess!” an unusually lax Gula interjected. “Todd ejaculates on all of the seeds before they’re planted.”

“Ewwww, no!” Tris gagged, and then summoned orange Hellfire into her hands. “We intentionally kill them all with red fire, and then I bring them back to life with my necromancy spell.”

“That’s … that’s genius,” I admitted. “You’re basically creating zombie plants.”

“Exactly.” The stoned succubus nodded. “The zombie seeds will grow just like a regular plant, but it doesn’t need the same sort of nutrients or water or shit like a live one does. You know, because it’s technically dead and all that shit.”

“And the product still turns out good?” Gula questioned.

Tris motioned to the air around us.

“You tell me,” she snorted. “We’ve been inhaling it for the last hour. If anything, this zombie reefer is stronger than the regular strands. Just the way I like ‘em.”

I stood up from my seat on the barrel, walked over to the Sister of Sloth, and wrapped my arm around her nonchalantly. She was so relaxed she practically melted into my embrace, and I could still smell the sweet scent of her hair through the thick pot in the air.

“It sounds like you’ve been busy,” I noted and kissed her head tenderly. “Both of you.”

“You’ve been busy too,” Gula protested and crossed her arms across her chest. “All the succubi interviews … all the secret missions … don’t act so humble. I don’t think I’ve had you alone in a room for months.”

“You still don’t,” I chuckled and pointed to the high-as-fuck brunette in the room.

“Please,” Gula scoffed, “Sister Tris and I have been connected at the hip since our creation. Besides, with all the depressants in her body right now, she may as well not even be here.”

“That is very true,” Tris noted with a raised finger. “If I’m being completely honest, I don’t even know where I am right now. I just know the three of us are together, and I’m really fucking horny.”

Gula and I stared at the succubus curiously, and then we looked over at each other. The Sister of Gluttony had a three-mile smile on her face as she pondered Tristitia’s words.

“Did you hear that, Jacob?” she cooed. “Sister Tris is aroused. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, she always gets super horny when she’s high.”

“Oh yeah,” Tris giggled, “there’s nothing better in life than getting pounded by Jacob’s rock-solid rod when I’m a bit numb. It might hurt like a bitch the next morning, but it’s pure bliss during the visit to pound town.”

The blood began to pulse into my cock, and I felt it swelling up into an erection. Tris noticed almost immediately, and she bit her lip and gave me a longing look as she stared down the bulge in my pants. Then she reached up and began to caress it slowly.

“It looks like you’ve got Jacob all excited,” Gula mused hungrily. “Maybe you’re going to get what you wanted after all.”

“I always do,” Tris purred, and then she started to rub harder.

My dick grew to full mast in seconds, and the succubus was left staring down at a bulge that looked like it was about to rip my pants open at any second.

The next thing I knew, Gula was on her feet. She strutted over, grabbed two more barrels, and then placed them next to where Tris was sitting. The curvy redhead took a seat on the outermost barrel before she patted the middle one longingly.

“Come sit down,” she nearly begged. “Tris and I will make it worth your while.”

I didn’t even need a second to think it all over. I practically ran over to the barrel between the succubi, sat down, and awaited their next move. I threw up a wall of purple flames behind us so we wouldn’t fall, and then I leaned back into it lazily.

It wasn’t a second later that both Gula and Tris had their hands all over me. One of Tris’ hands ran its long, slender fingers through my hair while the other one continued to stroke my bulge passionately.

Meanwhile, Gula was going for my pants with one hand and kept the other firmly on my pecs. The curvy redhead unfastened the button on my waistband before she slowly slid her hand down the garment and gripped my erection firmly.

“Holy shit, Tris,” she gasped when she felt the size of my dick, “it feels like he’s even bigger than usual!”

“It must be all the alcohol loosening up my blood flow.” I shrugged.

“I don’t give a damn what’s causing it,” the succubus admitted, “I just think it’s fucking hot.”

Gula’s soft hands began to stroke my cock slowly inside of my pants. Soon, I felt Tris’ willowy hand meander down into my waistband and cup around my balls. They tightened rapidly in response to the succubus’ touch, and Tris made a small moan of satisfaction.

The Sister of Sloth used her free hand to reach up behind her back and unfasten the furry bikini top that sat on her chest. It fell away in a flash to reveal her perky C-cups, each one with a dark pink nipple that looked like they were just begging to be sucked.

I heeded their call.

In one quick motion, I leaned over, took Tris’ left nipple in my mouth, and sucked on it tenderly. Tris let out a gasp of surprise, immediately followed by a deep groan of passion.

Meanwhile, I began to explore her body with my hand. I slowly extended two fingers, slid them down behind Tris’ undergarments, and rubbed them tenderly over her throbbing clitoris. Then I ventured even further down and inserted three of my fingers deeply into the brunette’s pussy. She was as wet as a fucking geyser, and my fingers glided in and out of her with next to no resistance.

At the same time, I felt Gula pull back for a second, and then I heard the distinct sound of fabric hitting the floor. When I finally removed my lips from Tris’ chest and turned my head back around, the Sister of Gluttony was completely nude.

She was sitting down on the barrel, fingering herself intensely as she watched me pleasure her teammate and trying to hold back small, muffled moans.

“Let me help you with that,” I whispered coyly as I pulled my fingers out of Tris.

Then I leaned over, pressed my lips tightly against Gula’s, and began to kiss her passionately. At the same time, I reached down and slid my fingers into her warm, inviting tunnel. Our tongues tangoed for a bit while I pleasured the succubus and Tris pleasured me.

The brunette succubus scooted over closer to me, pressed her naked torso against my back, and nibbled on my neck while she stroked my cock. The sensation was incredible, and I worried I was going to be done before I could even begin.

Then Gula made her move.

The Sister of Gluttony drew her lips away from mine before she stood up, walked over in front of me, and then got down on her knees. She placed her delicate hands on my opened waistband, yanked my pants down, and fully freed my rock-hard dick from its fabric prison.

“Let’s tag-team him, Sister,” the curvy redhead purred. “You stroke, I’ll suck.”

“So, I get the easier one?” Tris giggled. “Score!”

Tris’ thin fingers wrapped around my erection tightly, and then she held it aloft for Gula to engulf. The redhead didn’t hesitate. Instantly, her thick, soft lips were wrapped around the head of my cock, and she began to pleasure me.

Gula’s tongue wagged around my shaft as her head bobbed up and down on my erection. Her mouth was warm and wet, and I could tell she was having a difficult time taking it all in.

At the same time, Tris was stroking me from the base. Her movements matched in perfect harmony with Gula’s head, and I let out an intense moan in response.

I felt my balls tightening with anticipation as I watched the mess of red hair gobbling up my dick like it was a piece of spaghetti. Whenever the sweet, delicate redhead broke her concentration and looked up at me with her small, purple eyes, I had to force myself not to explode.

I could feel Tris’ erect nipples pressing against my bare back as she stroked me and kissed my neck. Her hand drifted down to my balls, and she brushed her fingers across each one delicately.

Meanwhile, Gula got greedy. The second her Sister’s hand was out of the way, she shoved her mouth all the way down onto my shaft as far as it would go.

I felt my cock hit the back of her throat, and that was it for me. I grabbed onto the redhead’s hair, tensed up, and unloaded into her mouth.

She let out a surprised gulp as my warm seed filled her throat, but she quickly changed her tone to one of excitement and arousal. I came for a solid ten seconds and kept pumping Gula full of my cum, but she didn’t seem to mind. Finally, once I was finished, she pulled her lips off my half-mast dick.

“Hold on!” Tris gasped. “I totally want some of that, but I’m not doing all that over again.”

“Hurrmmph,” Gula moaned through a mouth full of my cum. She rolled her eyes, but they still had the glint of passion inside of them. She stood up with her mouth tilted back, walked over to Tris, and grabbed her by the back of her head. Then Gula thrust her lips onto the Sister of Sloth’s as she shared my cream.

Tris must have been super into it, because she grabbed Gula around the waist and then flipped her around so they switched positions. Tris continued to kiss Gula as her fingers slid into the Sister of Gluttony.

As I watched the two women make out and swap my cum, I felt my erection returning very quickly. Within seconds, I was back at full mast and ready to go a second time around.

I wasn’t going to wait for either of them to notice, either.

I stood up from my seat, walked over to the kissing succubi, and then aimed my cock at Tris’ dripping pussy.

The tall woman had her back arched and her ass up in the air, and I stared at her tight body as I entered her from behind.

“Oh, fuck!” she gasped as she felt my dick enter her tight warm tunnel. “Holy--Holy shit!”

“Surprised?” I chuckled as I reached around and grabbed onto her perky tits.

I could feel Tris’ erect nipples running through my fingers as I pumped in and out of her, and her cascade of brown hair swished with each thrust. The succubus was wet, but more importantly, she was tight beyond belief.

Tristitia was the Sister of Sloth for a reason. She didn’t really take much initiative in the bedroom, but she didn’t have to. Her pussy was tighter than a sailor’s knot, and the few things she did do were enough to blow my fucking mind.

“Don’t stop,” Gula begged her sister. “Keep fucking fingering me like that, and I’m going to--to--to … Ohhhhhh shit!”

The sound of Gula’s orgasm mixed with the tightness of Tris’ warm tunnel nearly made me climax again, but I was able to hold back the dam as I growled like a lion.

Gula collapsed backward into a heap as Tris pulled her fingers out and ran them up and down her curvy body tenderly. Then the Sister of Gluttony placed her hand against Tris’ face and stared longingly into her eyes.

“I want to watch you two,” she nearly growled. “I want to watch Jacob ride you raw.”

“Holy fuck,” I groaned.

Gula’s nickname of “Firecracker” was perfectly fitting. She was timid and shy most of the time, but, in the heat of the moment, in battle or in the bedroom, she was a fucking pistol.

And I loved every second of it.

I tossed my hands around Tris’ waist, swiveled her over so she was sprawled out across a nearby barrel, and then started to thrust into her harder.

“Ohhh, yessss! Soooo deep! Fuck that’s really deep in me!” Tris gripped onto the bottom of the cask tightly and then let out an intense moan as I literally bent her over the barrel and pounded her.

I heard and felt my pelvis slapping against her tight ass as I pumped into the succubus, and I could feel the tip of my rock-hard cock tickling against her cervix.

Tris’ body began to tense up, and I knew the grand finale was coming soon.

“Jacob!” she gasped. “Don’t--keep … Ohhh. Please”

She couldn’t seem to find the words she was looking for, but that was okay. I knew exactly what she needed.

I slowed the intensity of my thrusts until they were a dull, steady pump, and that seemed to send my lover over the edge.

“I’m coming!” Tris’ already-tight tunnel put a death grip on my cock as it spasmed repeatedly, and the succubus let out an intense scream of pleasure. I could feel her juices squirting down the shaft of my cock and turning my entire pelvic region into a fucking wetland, and I couldn’t hold back.

“Me too,” I growled as I gripped her waist as tight as I could, shoved my erection into her until I was bottomed out, and then sprayed my warm seed into her womb over and over and over again.

“F-fuck … ” the brunette panted when our climaxes had ended. Then she collapsed over the side of the barrel and let out a whine of pleasure.

“Wow,” Gula purred. “That was fucking hot. I’ve never seen you be so dominant like that before.”

“I’ve never seen it before,” Tris panted, “but I want to see it happen more often. All I had to do was lay here and take that massive hammer.”

We both sighed as I slid myself out of the Sister of Sloth, and then I threw down a large, horizontal wall of purple Hellfire and sat down on it.

“I’ll gladly do that again,” I admitted as I laid back on the makeshift cot, “but maybe give me a few minutes to recharge here.”

Before I knew it, the naked figures of Tris and Gula were over at my side. They laid down on each side of me, snuggled up into my arms, and then let out a deep sigh as I pulled them in closer.

“Well?” I joked. “How was that for easing the tension and stress?”

“Perhaps I need to get stressed out more often,” Gula giggled.

“I’m never stressed,” Tris scoffed. “Like Todd always says, Hakuna Matata.”

“Uh … Todd says that?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yup,” the succubus continued, “he told me he totally made it up himself. Said he scoured through hours and hours of notes on Swahili to find the right words, too.”

“I really need to educate you more about Earth culture,” I chuckled. “That way you can tell when Todd’s telling one of his little stories.”

“Todd? Tell a fib?” Gula scoffed. “Never.”

“When do we have to go back?” Tris asked suddenly. “I really, really want to just lay here for like, the rest of the fucking day. I don’t even wanna put my clothes back on. Just lay out a bunch of these barrels, bring me a mattress, and fuck me every half hour or so. I’ll totally use this as a second room.”

“I dunno,” I admitted. “We’re still trying to figure out our next move. Now that the new succubi have been added to the group, I guess the next step is, well … I don’t know. The next logical step would be to keep building up our forces until we absolutely have to go into battle against the Unholy Trio. But then again … revenge sounds pretty damn tempting, too.”

“Gamigin?” Gula questioned.

“Yep,” I growled, “that double-crossing, horse-faced bastard needs to pay for what he did to us. He tried to kill me. He tried to kill Todd. He tried to kill the new succubi. I’m sure he would have tried to kill you all too, if he hadn’t run away like a dog with his tail between his legs. I just wish I knew where he was hiding.”

“Oh, that’s easy, my dude,” Tris said matter-of-factly. “He’s in the Fifth Circle.”

Gula and I exchanged looks for a moment before we tried to clarify.

“What do you mean?” I asked. “How do you know he’s in the Fifth Circle?”

“Geez, somebody hasn’t been paying attention in our war meetings,” Tris giggled jokingly. “Dude, don’t you remember all those off-hand comments he made about the Palace of Bones?”

“Palace of Bones … ” I tried to recall, but I was drawing a total blank. “The name rings a bell, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“The Palace of Bones,” Tris reiterated. “It’s one of the Demon Lord castles located in the Fifth Circle. Gamigin always said he thought the Fifth Circle was completely ‘devoid of strategic value,’ but that he’s always wanted to live in that place. He said it like, once a meeting.”

“I-I don’t even remember that,” I admitted. “I guess I was too focused on all the talk of battle plans and alliances to even think about those little off-hand comments.”

“If I had to bet money,” the Sister of Sloth yawned, “I’d put it on him living in the Palace of Bones. Think about it, my dude … he’s been interested in that place for like, forever. So, he cuts a deal with Baphomet, the King of the Fifth Circle, to betray you. Bam! He’s now a Demon Lord under the goat-headed bastard, and he owns the territory he’s always had his eye on. Actually, the more I talk about it out loud, the more I’m sure that’s where he is.”

“Damn, Tris,” I whistled. “Once again you’ve shown you are a genius. I should have come to you first.”

“Well, you came in me second,” she laughed. “I’m not really a genius. I dunno, I just like to lay around and smoke a bunch. Well, and spend time with you, my dude.”

“Awww, you never take compliments, sister,” Gula said as she patted Tris’ head. “I’m so glad Jacob recognizes how amazingly smart you are.”

“She is,” I said. “You both are amazing, and I’m happy you are my women and Demon Lords, and I’m going to destroy anyone who crosses us.”

Gamigin thought he could hide away in the Fifth Circle, where his new master could protect him.

Well, the joke was on Mr. Ed.

Nobody escapes the wrath of King Ralston.

Chapter 14

“The Fifth Circle?” Cupi questioned as she folded her arms across the table of the new war room. “You really think Gamigin is hiding out only one Circle away?”

I was sitting with Tris, Sia, Cupi, Liby, Mephisto, Eligor, and Todd around a giant round table at the center of the Who Wants to be Jakey’s Succubus? set. We’d moved all the screens and chairs out of the room and replaced them with the old wooden table that had been there before.

“It’s the only place he could be hiding,” Tris argued sluggishly. “He’s been talking about wanting the Palace of Bones for forever, and now he has his chance.”

“The Palace of Bones, huh?” Todd snickered. “Please tell me that’s just a clever name for some demonic brothel, because I’d totally want to give whoever named it a fist bump.”

“It’s a palace made out of the bones of Baphomet’s fallen enemies,” Eligor said as she facepalmed. “It’s completely and utterly macabre.”

“They have fucking Macaws in hell?” Todd gasped. “Those are my favorite birds, all colorful and shit.”

“Macabre,” Eligor repeated in a huff. “Like, morbid.”

“Wait, wait … ” Todd mused as he tried to wrap his little mind around her words. “The castle is morbidly obese? How does that even work? Does Mr. Tumnus get his rocks off by killing fatties?”

“I--Who the fuck is Mr. Tumnus?” The blonde knight sounded so confused. “And morbid like, dark and disturbing.”

“You know, Mr. Tumnus,” Todd explained as he made sweeping gestures to his horns and then clomped his hooves against the ground and pointed at them. “The King of the Fifth Circle.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the imp’s new nickname for Baphomet.

“So, ‘Mr. Tumnus’ built this castle out of the remains of his fallen enemies,” I pondered aloud. “What kind of fortifications do you think it has? It can’t be as sturdy as the rest of these brimstone structures.”

“It’s not,” Superbia spoke up. “The bones that make up the palace’s walls are as brittle as, well, bones. But--”

“Lemme guess,” Todd interrupted with a sigh, “there’s some sort of enchantment on the castle that keeps the riff-raff out.”

“Precisely,” she nodded, “but, fortunately for us, it’s not a strong enchantment. The Palace of Bones has always acted more like a trophy room for the King of the Fifth Circle rather than an actual fortress. It’s a simple spell that could probably be broken by someone well-versed in the tongues of the demon language … ”

“So, you’re saying you need me for this one?” Cupi grinned devilishly. “Or actually, you need my ever-so-smooth tongue.”

I tried to ignore the succubus’ words, but I could feel my erection growing as I remembered just what Cupi could do with that thing.

“I, uh, assumed everyone in this room would be coming along,” I admitted. “If we’re trying to sneak into the Fifth Circle undetected, we’re gonna need all hands on deck. We’ll need Sia to be our healer and Cupi to be our codebreaker. Tris and Liby can be the crowd control if we run into any larger forces. Eligor knows the way, and Todd? Well, an adventure’s not an adventure without Todd. Mephisto … I’m inviting you because I mainly want to see your prowess in battle.”

I’m not sure I can be of much assistance, Mephisto admitted. I am more of a ‘behind the scenes’ kind of Demon Lord. I have not fought anyone in ages.

“But you do have powers, right?” I questioned the orange-skinned Demon Lord.

Of course I have powers, he scoffed as his eyes furrowed in offense. It’s just that I never use them to their full potential. It’s too dangerous.”

“Ohhhhh,” Todd snickered, “so you’re one of those ‘Master, forgive me’ kinda guys?”

What ever do you mean? the Master of Whispers asked with a quirked eyebrow.

“You know … ” Todd giggled, “the kinda guys who buy those knock-off ninja weapons from vendors at the mall and then do ‘badass’ photo shoots with ‘em. Have you ever posted a picture to your social media with a caption like ‘while you studied math, I studied the blade?’”

I don’t even have social media--

“Have you ever teleported behind someone and said ‘nothing personal, kid?’” the imp continued.

I don’t teleport …

“Then what kinda powers do you have, Great Pumpkin?” Todd pressed the Demon Lord. “Please don’t tell me it’s something lame like talking to fish or shooting tiny sparks out of your hands.”

Mephisto remained silent for a moment, and then Todd let out an audible groan of realization.

“You talk to fish?” he sighed.

I do have the ability to communicate with animals of any kind, Mephisto clarified, but yes, fish are included in that list.

“You’re a fucking druid,” Todd chuckled as he shook his head. “I shoulda known. The tall, orange, and mysterious ones always are. Can you shape-shift into a majestic honey badger?”

Honey bad--

“I think the druid is the most useful member of our party,” Todd said as he turned to me. “He can change into a Honey Badger and doesn’t give a shit.”

“I want to see your powers in action, Mephisto,” I said as I ignored Todd. “Now that Gamigin is gone, I need somebody to fill his place, but that comes with a lot more responsibilities, and I need to see you in action before I make the decision final.”

As you wish, my King, Mephisto agreed with a bow. But I warn you … those aren’t my only skills. I take no responsibility for anyone who gets caught in the crossfire.

“Oof,” Todd whispered very loudly. “All that’s missing is the katana, the bandana, and the greasy haircut.”

“What about the rest of the succubi?” Libidine spoke up. “Invidia, Ira, and Gula will surely will be needed, too. Also, I know they’re somewhat new to your team, but shouldn’t we ask the new succubi to come along? I’ve been getting to know them lately, and they’re fucking awesome!”

“It depends,” I admitted with a shrug. “This party is already pretty damn large. It’ll be hard enough to sneak eight people into the Fifth Circle, but double that? I dunno if that would even be possible. Todd, do you think you can handle eight at a time?”

“Eight?” Todd brushed off with a wave of his hand. “That’s nothing, bro. With my ten fingers, tongue, and massive schlong, I could easily handle twelve people at a time. Although, I don’t know why we’re suddenly talking about orgies. You know I’m not into succubi.”

“Your invisibility powers, bro,” I sighed. “I’m asking if you think you could turn eight of us invisible at the same time.”

“Sure I could,” the imp nodded, “but I gotta warn you, my powers are like love juice at a gangbang. There’s only so much to go around, and it gets spread out thinner the more people involved.”

“I really didn’t need that visual in my life today,” Eligor shuddered.

“So, you can do it?” I repeated.

“I can,” Todd elaborated, “but if I’m being totally honest with you, Jakey, I don’t know if it’ll be enough to fool Mr. Tumnus. He caught us dicking around in his Circle when it was just five of us, bro. If my power’s stretched thinner than an old man’s ballsack skin, he’ll see right through the illusion.”

“What if we didn’t have to be invisible?” Libidine interjected.

“What do you mean, Libidine?” Sia questioned. “We cannot go through the Fifth Circle without any sort of covering spell. That would leave us as sitting ducks.”

“I know that,” the Sister of Lust continued, “but what if we sent out a second boat? Like, a decoy? That way, Baphomet would go after them while we slipped under his radar and ventured to the Palace of Bones.”

“I wouldn’t want to put my friends in danger like that,” I dismissed the idea. “Baphomet is no laughing matter.”

“Not to mention, he’s going to be on high alert,” Cupi argued. “He knows you’re pissed off about Gamigin’s betrayal, and he’s probably hoping you’ll try to retaliate. He’s probably got eyes all over the swamp.”

The eight of us sat there in silence as we racked our brains and tried to come up with a solution. Finally, Tris raised her hand into the air excitedly.

“Okay, my dudes, get this,” she tried to explain, “if Baphomet is watching all of the main pathways to get to the Palace of Bones, what if we just try to find an alternate route? The Fifth Circle is huge. Surely there have to be other ways to get to the palace, right?”

“Eligor? Mephisto?” I asked the two demons sitting directly across from me. “You guys have been to the other Circles more than we have. Any insights?”

Unfortunately, no. Mephisto shook his head. The Palace of Bones must have been built during the time of my imprisonment, because I have no memory of it even existing.

“I’m afraid I can’t help much, either,” Eligor sighed. “Lilith generally avoided the Fifth Circle. She always said Baphomet was too much of a ‘oafish brute’ for her liking.”

“Jakey!” Todd gasped in a moment of epiphany. “What about Sharron?”

“Sharron?” I retorted with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, bro,” the imp implored. “The dude with the dinghy and the glowing staff and the badass purple robes. Sharron. The Fairy Man.”

Todd was referring to Charon, the great ferryman of Hell. The entity who was responsible for guiding the souls of the newly deceased down into their eternal homes.

“You may be onto something there, Todd,” I noted as I thought about his proposition. “Charon knows all the Circles of Hell like the back of his bony hand. If anyone knows of an alternate route, it’d be him.”

“If my calculations are correct, he should be passing through the Fourth Circle in the next hour,” Superbia noted. “It’s about time for his daily drop-off.”

“Alright then,” I decreed as I stood up from the table. “We need to make sure we’re there when he arrives. Cupi and Liby, you go round up the rest of the team. Everybody else, follow me. Meeting adjourned.”

There was a flurry of chairs squeaking and papers rustling as everybody got up from the table and began to go their separate ways.

I headed out of the room and down the nearby staircase with Todd, Mephisto, Tris, Sia, and Eligor right behind me.

The six of us trundled down into the main hall before we exited out into the courtyard, passed over the drawbridge, and wandered out into the brimstone ground of the Fourth Circle.

I led the team on a brisk, mile-long hike out to the outskirts of my domain. Soon, we found ourselves approaching a large, winding river that glowed with light gray ectoplasmic magic.

It was the River of Souls.

“I still think it looks like splooge, bro,” Todd muttered as he waddled over to the banks. “It’s cold, sticky, and full of hundreds of thousands of people who aren’t quite people. And it’s flowing with the intensity of a firehose.”

“I think maybe you should see a doctor about that,” I joked.

Todd sat down on a small rocky overlook before he pulled a joint out of his pocket and put it in his mouth. He lit it with a flash of red Hellfire, took a deep puff, and then blew the smoke out into the air as he dipped his feet casually in the water.

Tristitia and Sia soon walked over to sit beside him, and soon Tris had her own blunt in her hand.

Isn’t it dangerous to touch the River of Souls? Mephisto questioned as he watched the three friends relaxing. I thought the souls would try to drag the living down to their depths if you got too close?

“A lot has changed since you’ve been away, Mephisto,” Eligor clicked her tongue. “Mostly thanks to this hunk of a King over here.”

“Thanks, Eligor,” I chuckled and shook my head with embarrassment. “She’s right. As you can imagine, I’ve got a really fucking good reputation with the Shades. They know I treat them better than any of the other Demon Kings, and they’ve heard the stories about how I’ve freed them from their torture and how I’ve given them positions in my army. None of them pose any threat. At least, not to me or any of my followers.”

Very impressive, my King, the orange-skinned demon mused. And the fact that you have Charon, a being who is notorious for his neutrality, on your side? That’s even more splendid.

“He’s not quite on our side,” I corrected the Master of Whispers, “but he’s agreed to help us out in any way he can without breaking his neutrality. In fact, he’s the one who gave us the dinghy we always use to travel between the Circles.”

Fascinating, Mephisto agreed.

“Hey, Jakey!” Todd called out from the bank of the river. “I think Sharron’s on his way!”

I looked out to the horizon and saw a large boat barreling toward our position. It was glistening with the dark purple Hellfire that surrounded it, a beacon of violet in the dark, cold morning.

At the bow of the vessel stood a tall man with a glowing purple staff stretched out in front of his body. As he grew closer, I could see the man was decked out in a shiny purple robe that was bespeckled with flecks of gray ectoplasm, and he had a hood up over his head to hide his features. Even then, a mess of greasy black hair tumbled out of the garment and slunk down to his midsection.

That was definitely Charon.

The Ferryman of Hell floated up to his daily drop-off spot, ordered his ship to halt, and then slowly sauntered toward the small ship’s stern. Then he froze as if he had been hit by one of Cupi’s elemental spells, and his body went rigid. After a moment, Charon angled his staff downward and pointed the glowing tip at the ectoplasmic water, and a small spout began to bubble to the surface.

Seconds later, the first detached soul rose out of the water as if he were attached to a forklift. He looked just like any normal human, but with one small difference … his body was gray and translucent.

Or, at least, it was for a moment.

“Congratulations,” Charon announced in his raspy, emotionless voice, “for the sin of Greed, your punishment shall be an eternity in the Fourth Circle of Hell.”

“Fourth Circle?” the man gasped. “Is that the one with the good King?”

“King Ralston is much easier on his Shades than the other Demon Kings, but do not let it go to your head,” the robed man warned. “Try anything foolish, and your head will end up on a pike just the same.”

“Uh, yes sir,” the soul chuckled awkwardly. “I wouldn’t dare think of it.”

There was a long, awkward silence as Charon stared coldly at the man. Then the Ferryman lifted up his staff, surrounded the soul with purple Hellfire, and stepped back to observe.

Slowly, the soul’s translucent skin began to materialize before our very eyes. The color returned to his body, and within seconds he looked no different than any other human in the world.

He’d been transformed from a soul to a Shade.

“Go now,” Charon implored. “Go and find your place in this eternal damnation.”

“Uh, thanks?” the Shade retorted. “Is this something I should be thanking you for, or … ”

“Go,” the man in purple growled, and the Shade let out a yelp as he took off down the riverbank.

Charon repeated this process twenty-three more times, creating a new Shade each time. Finally, when the last specter had run off, he turned to us and cocked his head curiously.

“King Ralston,” he stated in a simple, cold tone. “It has been far too long. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Sorry I don’t stop by more,” I joked as I walked over so I could speak with the Ferryman. “I’ve kinda been busy with the whole ‘running a Circle of Hell’ thing and trying not to get killed by all the other jealous Demons and all that fun stuff. How’s Cerberus?”

“He is fine,” the man in purple replied. “Loves his belly rubs, as always, but he has been much more mischievous lately, probably because he’s bored. I was thinking of perhaps getting him a playmate? Maybe I could borrow Tannin, the giant fish from the Fifth Circle? He would make an excellent companion, and surely Baphomet wouldn’t miss him too greatly.”

“Uhhhhhhh,” I groaned as I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly and thought back to how I killed that monster. “I don’t think that’s gonna be … have you thought of any other sort of companion? I dunno if a dog and a fish would be … ”

Then I noticed something in the Ferryman’s eyes. Even though his expression remained dead and emotionless, there was a twinkle of Hellfire that shimmered behind his sunken pupils.

“But I only have room for a fish,” Charon continued. “There is plenty of water around my dwelling, and I could have him pull my boat without exhausting my own spells.”

“You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?” I shot back coyly.

Charon shook his head and, for the first time ever, I swore I saw the hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth.

“Do I seem like one to jest?” he questioned. “But yes, I am aware of Tannin’s demise. Every single being in Hell is. Baphomet was extremely angry and sad about the whole endeavor. Don’t let him know I told you this, but he even began to weep.”

“Well shit, bro,” Todd whistled as he walked up behind me, “now I feel kinda bad about it.”

“He was trying to eat us, Todd,” I reminded the imp. “Under the orders of his master.”

“I know, Jakey,” Todd sighed, “but it’s like the fucking Rancor. It’s still sad to see.”

Charon? Mephisto called out as he floated over to where we were standing. The Ferryman of Hell. I did not expect our paths to cross any time soon.

“Nor did I, Master of Whispers,” Charon responded to the demon. “I’m glad to see you out of your fiery prison. Jacob’s doing, I suppose?”

Who else? the large orange demon noted.

“And Eligor?” Charon observed as he quirked his head to the side curiously. “Have you turned against your mistress? That would be quite the plot twist.”

“I would never turn against the Demon Queen,” the Knight of Hell scoffed. “However, she has taken an interest in Jacob.”

“The plot thickens,” Charon mused. “Should she formally announce an alliance with the King of the Fourth Circle, I could see things getting very interesting around here.”

“She’s just exploring her options,” Eligor lied. “That is all.”

“Indeed,” the Ferryman agreed. “Though I feel Lilith is remaining as ‘neutral’ as I currently am. Speaking of which, what brings you to me today, King Ralston?”

“We wanna know how to get to the Boning Palace,” Todd interjected as he picked at his teeth with a tiny claw.

“He means the Palace of Bones,” I corrected. “We want to know how to get there without drawing the attention of Baphomet.”

“That is a tricky predicament,” the Ferryman admitted. “The Palace of Bones is located directly at the center of the Fifth Circle, on an island not too far away from Baphomet’s castle itself. Avoiding being spotted would be next to impossible. Unless … the tunnels … ”

“Tunnels?” I asked as I perked up. “Charon, are there tunnels that can lead us to the Palace of Bones?”

“Technically yes,” the robed man admitted, “but there is a catch. How long can you hold your breath?”

“Whoaaaaaa,” Todd chuckled defensively, “you can’t just go around asking other dudes how long they can hold their breath. That’s like ‘no homo’ rule number six.”

“It’s fine, Todd,” I rolled my eyes, “I’m one-hundred percent sure that’s not where he’s going with this. What’s the catch?”

“The tunnels are underground,” Charon explained, “underneath the swampy water of the Fifth Circle. Which means they are completely flooded.”

“Shit, bro,” Todd sighed, “I knew I shoulda taken those scuba lessons on the cruise. Why did I have to pick calypso dancing instead?”

“Because you wanted to know the dance to ‘Jump in the Line,’” I reminded him. “Quite literally what you said.”

“So, the tunnels are flooded,” Superbia mused as she and Tris joined the conversation. “Could I possibly use my healing spell to repair our lungs every minute or two?”

“Jacob flooded my tunnel earlier today,” Tris sighed. “Wait, did I just say that out loud?”

The rest of us snickered at her, and then she shrugged. “Guess I did, but he did. It was great.”

“Maybe we could get our lungs healed,” I said to Sia as I shrugged, “but that would mean we’d literally be drowning every few minutes and then being brought back to life. That definitely doesn’t sound like a fun time to me.”

“Maybe we don’t have to hold our breath very long,” Todd spoke up. “Could the Great Pumpkin here like, ask one of his animal buddies to swim super fast and get us there at the speed of light?”

Unfortunately not, Mephisto said sadly, I would need to get close enough to one of these creatures to speak to them. Even if I could do that, it could take me hours to find one that actually knows their way around the underwater cavern system.

“What if Libidine and I teleported us through the tunnels?” I questioned aloud. “Like, we know we can breathe during those blips where we’re traveling through space and time. Could we just do that in rapid succession?”

“Negative,” Superbia shot down the idea. “It’s too dangerous. One wrong move, and you’ll accidentally teleport us all into the brimstone walls, where we’ll be trapped forever.”

“Hold on … ” Tris announced. “I feel like this reeferooni is bringing on a brilliant idea … ”

The Sister of Sloth began to pace back and forth as she took long, deep drags off her joint. Then Tris rubbed her chin thoughtfully and furrowed her brow intensely as she stared off in the distance.

“Is she alright?” Charon questioned.

“She’s totally reefing out, bro,” Todd shushed the Ferryman, “that’s when a stoner hits the ultimate point of ultimate realization, where their brains and the universe become one with each other.”

“Nirvana,” Charon noted with a hint of emotion in his voice.

Todd’s eyebrow raised, and he turned his head curiously at the robed man.

“Uh, I don’t see what grunge has to do with any of this, bro,” he chuckled. “Unless you’re trying to say this shit is mind-blowing.”

“Bro!” I gasped, horrified.

Todd looked at me for a second, and then his eyes went wide with realization. His tiny mouth opened to protest as he shook his head furiously.

“That’s totally not what I meant, bro!” he argued. “I meant their music was so mind-blowingly awesome, just like the weed. Thanks for making it all dark and shit, Jakey. I think Elvira’s starting to rub off on ya.”

“Shhhhhh!” Tris hissed with a finger over her lips. “I’m trying to reef out over here.”

We all went silent as we watched the succubus stare off into space and inhale her blunt deeply. Then the brunette turned around with a devilish smile on her face.

“I’ve got it!” she insisted. “So, one of Gula’s new powers is she can boost up the spells of her teammates, right?”

“Right.” I nodded, but I was still confused as to where she was going with all this.

“And we’ve got an elemental on our team, right?” the Sister of Sloth continued.

“Correct,” Eligor confirmed. “That would be me.”

“Soooooo,” Tris mused, “why don’t we just have Gula boost your powers, and then you can move all the water out of our way? You could like, create a giant bubble around us so we could walk through the tunnels uninterrupted. Orrrr, even better, you could like, just push all the water out of the way as we go.”

“That … that actually might work,” the blonde knight pondered. “You’re a genius, Tristitia!”

“Never underestimate the power of reefing out, Goldilocks,” Todd snickered. “It’s certainly helped me make a fuckton of important decisions over the years.”

“But apparently not when you had to choose between scuba diving and calypso lessons,” I said as I jokingly slapped the imp on the shoulder.

“Sour grapes, bro,” the imp sighed. “Sour. Fucking. Grapes.”

“What do you think, Charon?” I turned back to the man with the slack skin and sunken face. “I know it’s a fucking crazy plan, but do you think it might work?”

“According to the rumblings around Hell, all of your plans are crazy,” the Ferryman shot back. “That’s why you always seem to be one step ahead of your enemies. Your plan will work, but I must warn you … the creatures that dwell within the cave system won’t be very happy their water has been displaced. Tread cautiously, Jacob Ralston. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have four more Circles I need to get to.”

Charon turned around and slowly lumbered back to the bow of his vessel.

“Don’t you mean five more?” Todd questioned the man in the robe. “I was never the greatest at math, but nine minus four is five, right?”

The Ferryman halted in his tracks, turned around to face Todd, and then stomped his staff into the ground.

“Four,” he stood firm. “I may be a neutral party in the affairs of Hell, but even I am not foolish enough to venture into the Ninth Circle. That is where Lucifer dwells, and he does not like to be disturbed.”

“But aren’t there souls that are damned to the Ninth Circle?” I asked.

Charon shook his head furiously.

“Hell may have been created to punish the evil humans of the universe, but the Exalted One would never be so cruel as to condemn a soul to Lucifer’s Circle,” he explained. “That would be something I wouldn’t wish on the cruelest Demon King.”

With those ominous words, Charon lifted his staff out in front of the vessel once more, and his boat began to head down the River of Souls.

All six of us waved at the Ferryman as he left, and we watched him disappear over the horizon and into the dawn of this new day.

“Alright guys,” I announced to the group. “It sounds like we have a plan. Or at least, half of a plan. Let’s go see how many others Libidine and Cupi were able to round up, and then we’ll head out.”

“I’ve always wondered what it’s like to go spelunking,” Tris pondered aloud as we began to walk back toward the castle.

“Beg pardon?” Todd asked in a weirded-out tone. “I thought Crazy Eyes was supposed to be the kink one here.”

“Spelunking means exploring a cave,” I explained to the imp, “and that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”

We were headed out on a covert mission to break into the Fifth Circle, sneak into the Palace of Bones, and make Gamigin pay for what he’d done to me.

Nothing was going to deny me my revenge.

Chapter 15

Is this everyone? Mephisto questioned as he looked around curiously. I was expecting there to be more people for this mission.

“Don’t worry,” I reassured my Demon Lord, “Libidine said she was on her way with the new girls.”

“Invidia wanted me to extend her apologies to you, Jacob,” Sia explained, “apparently she is off on Earth Realm, attending some sort of concert. Something called ‘Louisville Loves Emo,’ I believe.”

“Wow,” I whistled, “Invidia is off socializing? I’m sure as fuck not going to rain on that parade. What about Ira?”

“Unfortunately, there was a major bill being voted on today,” Sia continued. “Do you remember John Zeitmann?”

“How could I forget?” I laughed. “That guy’s all over the fucking place, telling everyone who will listen about my fight with Gallu. He’s like, the king of the paranormal world right now.”

“That’s right,” Sia said with a serious tone. “Zeitmann is there today, making a speech on the floor of Congress. He’s advocating for a bill that would crack down on ‘radical religious groups.’ Or, in other words--”

“Cults,” I finished. “He’s trying to crack down on cults.”

“One cult in particular,” the madame sighed, “I bet you can guess which one.”

“Man,” I grumbled frustratedly, “what’s this guy’s beef with me? I tipped him really fucking well.”

“I don’t think it’s anything personal,” Sia explained, “he saw something that very few mortals have ever seen, and it scared the daylights out of him. Without the full pieces of the puzzle, it’s only natural he would be worried about the growing influence of a secret cult.”

“Well, when you put it that way … ” I laughed.

“Long story short,” the redhead finished, “Ira felt like she needed to be there for the testimony so she could keep an eye on Zeitmann and try to control the narrative.”

“Understandable,” I agreed. “At least it sounds like the rest of the gang is gonna be here, though.”

We were currently sitting in a large boat at the edge of the Fourth Circle, waiting on the rest of our friends to arrive. All of my succubi, minus Liby and the two who couldn’t make it, huddled at the front of the boat, while Todd, Eligor, Mephisto, and I were crammed into the back.

“I seriously wish Sharron had given us a bigger boat, bro,” the imp grumbled. “We’re fucking nut-to-butt back here.”

“At least you two can fly,” I pointed out to my two nearest shipmates. “You technically don’t have to be in the boat at all other than when we’re crossing between the circles.”

“Heeeeeeeyyyyy everyone!” I heard Libidine call out from above.

I glanced up to see Liby was leading the new hires, and they were all carrying a second small boat through the sky. Their wings carried them down to us, and then they plopped the boat into the river and entered.

Inpulsa, Eve, Mirage, Deja, and Eclipse were all present, and they were all adorned in their elegant battle armor.

I had a team of badass warriors with me, and we were ready to take on whatever the Fifth Circle could throw at us.

My King, Mephisto whispered telepathically, I do not mean to question your decision making, but is it necessary to have this many succubi for this mission? We are just going to kill one Demon Lord.

“A Demon Lord who is very crafty, and who is a master strategist,” I reminded the Master of Whispers. “He’s probably got a miniature army of Daeva or Tartaruchi protecting him. Also, you heard Charon. There are going to be some pissed-off monsters in those tunnels, and I dunno about you, but I’d prefer not to end up in some giant eel’s belly.”

I see, Mephisto said with a bow, forgive me for questioning you, my King.

“It’s alright, dude,” I chuckled. “What good is a Demon Lord if he’s just gonna agree with everything I say? Surrounding yourself with brown nosers is the kiss of death for any successful leader.”

“I can second that sentiment,” Sia added. “We learned a lot about that sort of thing in my MBA classes.”

“I still can’t believe you played in the NBA, Strawberry Shortcake,” Todd mused, “I figured you wouldn’t be tall enough.”

“MBA, Todd,” the redheaded madame sighed. “It’s a business degree.”

“I know,” Todd agreed, “the fucking NBA is very serious business.”

“No,” I tried once more to explain to the imp. “What she’s saying is--”

I swallowed my words when I saw the expression on Eligor’s face.

The normally calm and composed Knight of Hell was staring over at the second boat, the one filled with my new succubi. Her eyes were wide with shock as her mouth hung open, and the color was completely gone from her face.

Eligor looked like she had just seen a fucking ghost.

I cautiously stood up in the dinghy, scooted over to where the blonde knight was sitting, and tapped her gently on the shoulder.

Eligor jumped nearly a foot in the air at my touch, and then she spun around to see what was going on.

“Wh-What’s up, Jacob?” she stammered.

“You alright?” I probed. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Eligor’s eyes were still focused on the second ship, but she tried to regain her composure. The bikini-clad woman wiggled her torso, placed her hands on her outer thighs, and gave me a large, phony smile.

“I’m fine,” she reassured me. “I’m just a little nervous about the task ahead, that’s all. I’ve never moved that much water before.”

“You’ll be alright,” I promised. “That’s what Gula’s here for. I’ve seen you pull an entire fucking ship out of the water with your powers before. Just imagine what you’re gonna be able to do once you have a boost.”

Eligor gave me another short smile, but I could tell it was forced. Something had spooked her, and I really wanted to know what it was.

Was she worried about one of the new succubi? Surely Eligor would have told me if she was concerned about the loyalty of my new hires or if she thought one of them wasn’t up to snuff. But she didn’t seem to want to share anything further, so I figured I’d let it go for the time being.

Besides, we had a Demon Lord to kill.

“Alright, everyone.” I stood up and addressed the two boats. “It’s going to be really, really cozy on this trip, so make sure you take your seat ASAP. The plan is simple. We go into the Fifth Circle, we find the entrance to these underwater caves, and then Eligor here uses her powers to open them up for us to explore. Now, there are most certainly going to be enemies encountered on this journey, so keep your wits about you at all times. I know this is the first time some of you have worked together, but I also know you guys are a bunch of fucking badasses. We’re going to march down into the Palace of Bones, break down the door, and make Gamigin pay for his betrayal. Who’s with me?”

“Fuck Gag-a-man!” Todd called out as he raised his fist into the air.

“Hell yeah!” Libidine blurted out.

“With you till the end, Jacob!” Deja’s voice called over the cheers.

“For wrath! For ruin!” the imp exclaimed. “For Rohaaaaaan!”

The cheers stopped, and everyone looked at Todd. The little imp just giggled mischievously and then beat against his chest heartily while making a “harump” sound. The rest of the team followed suit, and I eventually had to hold up my hands to calm them down.

“I’m loving the enthusiasm, guys,” I laughed. “Now, let’s go get this bastard.”

I summoned purple Hellfire into my hands and then surrounded both of the boats in their glow. Next, I ordered them both to move forward, into the dark cave that would lead us to the Fifth Circle of Hell.

However, we weren’t going there. Not quite yet.

As we entered the dark cave, I could hear the upcoming rapids. We had to make our move before we hit them, or else we were going to lose control and end up exposed in Baphomet’s territory.

“Eligor? Gula?” I called out over the sound of the swirling water. “Are you ready?”

Two bursts of Hellfire sprang forth and lit up the dark cave, one lime green, and one brown. Suddenly, the brown flames shot over and struck Eligor’s body with the speed of a fucking bullet train. The Knight of Hell let out an intense grunt as the power-boosting spell engulfed her body and gave her a charge equivalent to a nuclear power plant.

Then I saw something I’d never seen before.

Eligor’s eyes and entire body were glowing with the same green spell that she normally summoned in her hands. The Knight began to float up into the air above the boat before she threw out her open palms and unleashed the lime green fire onto the water around us. As her elemental spell spread across the waves, the sound of the roaring rapids turned into nothing more than a slight trickle.

“Let there be light!” Todd cackled as he gave the signal.

Immediately, every single member of the team who wasn’t currently occupied called forth red flames. The pitch-black cavern lit up with a warm, scarlet glow, and we could see every single detail of the space we were in.

The walls were dripping with the condensation from the silvery, ectoplasmic water, and several stalactites were reaching down like a rocky waterfall from the ceiling. Most importantly, however, we could see underneath the water.

And there, just a few feet beneath the surface, sat the mouth of a tunnel.

“Down here, Goldilocks!” Todd called out as he tossed a miniature fireball into the water above the tunnel.

It sizzled and went out with a hiss but was immediately followed by a blast of lime green Hellfire. The second Eligor’s spell touched the murky water, it began to part like the Red Sea. Two walls of water pulled apart and exposed the opening.

“I’ll tie off the boats,” I announced. “The rest of you, get down there right now.”

I called forth my purple Hellfire, then I created a series of platforms between the boats and the opening of the tunnel. The succubi, Todd, and Mephisto quickly exited our vessel, followed the floating platforms of Hellfire, and then disappeared into the mouth of the underwater cave.

At the same time, I used my other hand to summon a bout of silver flame. I pointed it at the anchors of the first boat, liquified it, and then ordered it to stab into the cavern walls. I repeated the action with the second boat, and then I made my exit.

I pulled myself over the side of the vessel, stepped out onto the glowing purple platforms, and then made my way down. Once I was safely standing on the wet brimstone of the tunnel, I turned back to Eligor and motioned for her to follow.

The Knight of Hell lowered herself down beside me, and then she slowly closed the two walls of water with a swish of her hand.

As I watched the massive, grayish waterfalls push together, it finally hit me.

We were now in the underground tunnels of the Fourth Circle. If anything went wrong, if Eligor were so much as to deactivate her spell for a few seconds … we were all going to drown.

There was nowhere to go now but forward.

“Alright guys,” I whispered as I tried to regain my composure, “I don’t see any branches, so it looks like there’s only one way to go from here. Remember to keep your eyes peeled. I have no idea what the fuck could be in these tunnels.”

We all activated our red Hellfire and used it as a torch to find our way through the caverns. The spells also acted as a makeshift drying system, as well. As we walked, the brimstone beneath our feet grew less and less wet.

Eligor stood at the center of the group with her hands outstretched in both directions. Her lime green fire acted as literal floodgates to the massive amounts of water that threatened to wash us away.

We continued onward for a few minutes, until we came to a large, glowing green portal that stood up against the wall of the cave. I stepped to the front of the group, turned around, and tried to explain what we were seeing.

“This is the entrance to the Fifth Circle,” I stated calmly. “Once we pass through here, we’re in enemy territory. Stay on your toes.”

“Uh, Jacob?” Libidine asked with a raised hand. “How is Eligor going to hold her spell on both sides of the portal? Won’t anyone who passes through before her just end up in the flooded caves?”

“Already on it, Libidine,” Eligor mused as she strutted up to the glowing emerald gateway. “I don’t know how long I can hold it, though. The second I step through, I want you all to run. Got it?”

Everyone nodded in agreement.

The Knight of Hell took a deep breath before she delicately raised her right foot up and slid it through the portal. She gasped with surprise, and her sound reverberated through the caves.

“Eligor!” I called out. “Are you alright?”

“The water on the other side is fucking cold!” she chuckled, somewhat embarrassed by her overreaction.

Eligor took another deep breath, and then turned to us and nodded. Finally, she pushed the right half of her body through the interdimensional gateway.

“Go! Go! Go!” Cupiditas called out, and everyone took off in a full sprint.

I felt my body go weightless as I passed through space and time, and then I landed with a dull thud on the other side. I hurried to my feet and watched as each of my friends appeared through the glowing jade doorway. Finally, once we were all through, Eligor pulled the rest of her body into the Fifth Circle.

“Holy shit,” Deja gasped. “That was like, the most badass thing I’ve ever seen in my life!”

“Thanks,” Eligor chuckled groggily as she refocused on her spell.

Although the cave system looked nearly identical to the one in the Fourth Circle, there were some obvious differences. The water here wasn’t silver or gray whatsoever. Instead, it was a dirty, murky black that matched the color of the brimstone walls. Likewise, the ground underneath our feet wasn’t as sturdy. It was wet and soft, likely thanks to the millennia it had spent underwater.

“According to Charon,” I explained, “the Palace of Bones is located all the way at the center of the Fifth Circle. These tunnels should take us there if we just continue to push on and go straight.”

“That seems way too easy, bro,” Todd protested. “There’s a whole intricate cave system underneath Hell, and we just have to walk in a straight line?”

“I never said it was a straight line … ” I retorted coyly. “There will be some bends and twists every now and again, I suppose. All I know is that we need to keep following the path in front of us.”

We pushed forward for a bit until we found our first obstacle. Once we were a good mile or two into the journey, the walls of the cave started to contain carvings that appeared to be written in a language I couldn’t read. Then we came to a fork in the road.

“Which way are we supposed to go now?” Deja pondered aloud.

“I say we just pick a side and see where it takes us,” Eclipse mused.

“Hold on there, Pink Floyd,” Todd protested. “We’re not gonna just pick a random direction. I may be a tad reckless, but I ain’t no idiot.”

“These are inferoglyphs,” Cupi confirmed as she ran her hand against the wall. “The ancient language of Hell.”

“Can you read them, Eligor?” Sia questioned.

The Knight of Hell continued to hold her lime green Hellfire on both sides as she moved in closer to inspect the wall. She squinted heavily as she tried to read the scribbles, and her face grew more frustrated by the minute. Finally, she let out a long sigh and stepped away.

“They’re too worn,” the blonde knight admitted, “also, it’s an even older version of the language than I’m used to. I’m sorry, guys, but I have no clue what it says.”

“Let me try,” a brash voice spoke up from the crowd.

Suddenly, Eve stepped out from her group with her hands on her hips proudly.

“You can read inferoglyphs?” I gasped. “Why didn’t you tell us that in your interview?”

“It wasn’t applicable,” the redhead with the wavy hair shrugged. “I didn’t really see how my language skills related to making churros.”

“I knew I shoulda gone with Survivor,” Todd muttered to himself.

Eve stepped up next to Eligor, and I heard the two of them whispering to each other. Then the blonde knight nodded, stepped away from the wall, and let Eve go to work.

“Whew,” Eve whistled, “she’s right, it is really worn. Buttttt, I think I can make out the basic gist. It says something along the lines of ‘the right shall set you free, and the left will bring you closer to what you seek.’”

“That’s definitely a trick,” I chuckled. “We’re in Hell. I know what ‘set you free’ means in this context.”

“It means--” Todd cut himself off and then began to make a series of violent hand gestures along with faces of death, all while making over the top death noises.

“Left it is, then,” Libidine sighed, and then we moved forward.

Eligor cast her spell off to the left, and then we continued through the once-submerged caverns.

We walked for about another hour, until we came to a spot where there were tunnels that spouted off in every direction.

“Shit,” I growled and inspected the walls for inferoglyphs, but there was nothing there. “Where are we supposed to go from here?”

“Normally, this is where I’d suggest we split up,” Cupiditas sighed. “But, unfortunately, only one of us can keep the water at bay.”

“I vote that we keep marching forward,” Libidine suggested. “There aren’t any notes for us to do otherwise.”

“Which one is ‘forward?’” Cupi chuckled with frustration in her voice. “There are like, four different tunnels in front of us.”

“I’m totally not walking through all of those,” Tris mused. “Worst comes to worst, I’ll just sit back here and hold my breath until you all get back.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Sister,” Gula sighed. “You might be used to holding in your smoke, but there is no way that--”

“Oh no,” Eve gasped. “Oh nononononono.”

“What’s wrong?” Inpulsa asked with concern in her voice. “Do you sense something?”

The redhead nodded her head slowly.

“Three heartbeats,” she explained, “large heartbeats. And they’re headed right in our direction.”

“Where?” I demanded as I drew the Unhallowed Sword from my belt.

“Two are coming from below, and the other is approaching from the upper right tunnel,” Eve warned with a twinge of fear in her voice.

“These must be the creatures that Charon warned us about,” Sia mused.

“I don’t care what they are,” Cupi announced as she pulled her collapsible polearm from her belt, pushed the button, and popped it into combat mode, “if they’re coming this way, they’re going to fucking die.”

“I like the way you think!” Deja admitted as she began to swing her chain around her head.

“Girls, boys!” Sia called out. “Protect Eligor. If she loses her concentration, we are all in dire circumstances.”

The group quickly shuffled around until we were standing in a giant circle around Eligor with our weapons drawn and our Hellfire at the ready.

The only exception was Mephisto.

The tall, orange demon was floating silently above the crowd with his legs crossed and his arms extended outward. His eyes were closed, and he looked almost at peace.

“What are you doing, Great Pumpkin?” Todd hissed. “Don’t you realize there’s some crazy, Cronenberg-esque shit headed our way?”

As I told you before, Mephisto explained, I am not a “fight first” type of Demon Lord. I will assess the situation and then make my move when the time is right.

“Alright,” Todd scoffed, “get eaten by a giant-ass gator or whatever. But I’m telling you right now, I’m not scoopin’ your pumpkin seeds outta this thing’s shit.”

“They’re almost here!” Eve announced as she tightened her grip on her rapier. “Five … Four … Three … Two … ”

Before the redhead got two “one,” a loud, wall-shaking screech came from the tunnels around us. The sounds reverberated off the bare walls of the cave, and it took everything in my power to keep from falling to my knees and covering my ears.

Then I saw the bastards.

The first one came through the tunnel on the upper right portion of the ceiling. His body was long and tube-shaped, and his face was featureless aside from dark black eyes and a set of razor-sharp teeth. The creature must have been at least double my own height and width, and the way it glided through the tunnel reminded me of a killer whale rocketing after its prey.

However, it didn’t have any fins. Instead, it had four giant arms, each with a human-shaped hand attached at the wrist. It moved by smashing the hand into the brimstone, grabbing ahold, and then propelling itself forward as if it were a reverse rock climber. Its skin was a sickly dark green, its body was completely covered in algae, and the gills on its neck were almost the size of my entire body.

The creature dove down at us from above just as its brethren popped up through the floor, and the group was forced to scatter.

Eligor’s flames flickered for a brief second, but she held the course as she reoriented herself to her surroundings.

Two of the bastards kept on going and passed through the adjacent tunnels on the ceiling, but the third monster had already decided to engage.

“What the fuck is that thing?” Deja demanded as she hurled her chain around one of its arms.

The creature snatched the succubus’ weapon with its massive green mitt, yanked her forward, and then opened his mouth to swallow her whole.

I tossed up a quick shield of purple, and Deja crashed into it violently. She fell backward and tumbled onto the ground below, but at least she was still alive.

Superbia dashed over with a glowing gold hand as the rest of the succubi unloaded on the monster.

Flashes of red, yellow, and silver flames rocketed across the cavern and struck the creature square in the face. Blood splattered across the ceiling of the cave, and the fucker let out a squeal of pain before he turned around to retreat.

“Oh no, you don’t!” I heard Inpulsa call out. “You with the red hair! Give me a boost.”

Gula summoned brown Hellfire into her hands, tossed it around Inpulsa’s body, and then the electricity surrounding the yellow-haired succubus began to crackle and pop.

Inpulsa pulled back her arms, let out a loud growl, and then clapped her hands together in front of her face. As she did so, a blast of lightning with the thickness of a sequoia launched out of her hands and hit the monster square in the ass.

He let out a shrill squeal as his tube-shaped body began to convulse and sizzle. The electric yellow Hellfire illuminated the entire tunnel as it fried the creature from the inside out, and then his body collapsed onto the ground in front of us.

“Nice thunderbolt, Pikachu,” Todd said, impressed.

“It’s a fucking Fistula,” Eligor noted as she glanced at the dead monster. “I’ve fought these things before, and they’re really fucking sneaky. Normally, they only expose themselves when they’re attacking. This little guy must have been a juvenile who didn’t know any better. Which means--”

Before the knight could finish her sentence, the shrieks returned to the cavern.

“We’re only gonna have a split second to kill these fuckers,” I announced to my team. “When they rear their ugly mugs, I want you to grab them by their arms and hold tight. Got it?”

Suddenly, one of the other creatures appeared just above my head. I quickly tossed a portal of green down beneath my feet and passed through it seconds before my head would have been snatched up by the Fistula’s jaws. Then I forced myself to reappear above the creature’s body, and I lashed out with the Unhallowed Sword.

A gusher of blood sprayed out onto my armor as the black steel sliced through the fucker’s skin. He shrieked in agony, but then he disappeared into another tunnel at the bottom of the cavern.

“He came out of nowhere,” Deja protested. “I had no idea he was coming through--”

Before she could finish her sentence, the next Fistula burst forth from the ground just behind Cupiditas. It opened its ugly maw and tried to gobble up the succubus, but she was ready for the bastard.

Cupi popped the blades on her polearm, stabbed it into the top of the Fistula’s mouth, and then hoisted her body up like a stripper on a pole.

The monster tried to bring its jaws together to crush his opponent, but his motion was halted by the polearm lodged in his palate.

“Now!” the blonde succubus screamed. “I don’t know how long this thing will hold!”

Almost instantly, Deja’s chain flew up and wrapped around the creature’s two right arms. At the same time, a spray of Superbia’s black Hellfire struck him in the left arms and pinned them back against the nearby cavern walls.

“Bro, I’ve always wanted to try this,” Todd cackled as he surrounded himself with black Hellfire and zipped up into the sky. “Eat imp, you fucked up Monty Python cartoon!”

Before anyone had the chance to stop him, Todd’s tiny body rocketed toward the captured Fistula. As he flew, he summoned a ball of red Hellfire into his hand and readied it like a baseball pitch. Then the imp flew past Cupi in a flash and disappeared down the Fistula’s throat.

“What the fuck is he thinking?” Mirage gasped. “Does your imp have a death wish or something?”

The Fistula’s brow furrowed as he threw back his head and let out a wail of agony. Cupi and her polearm were tossed into the air, where the succubus caught herself on her dark wings.

Then the trapped monster began to contort violently and cough up blood by the gallon. Finally, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he went limp on the ground. The dead Fistula’s body continued to rock back and forth, spurred on by blows coming from inside his body.

There was a flash of red Hellfire as Todd burst through the dead monster’s back and then fluttered down onto the ground beside us. He was covered from head to toe in blood, bile, and some clear substance that I didn’t recognize. The imp’s eyes were locked in a far off thousand-yard stare as he shuddered in horror.

“That was way more stomach acid than I expected, bro,” he heaved. “Iron Man makes it look so easy… ”

As much as I wanted to reassure the imp and try to make him feel better, there was still one more monster to kill, and the fucker could be out at any minute.

“When the bastard reappears,” I ordered, “I want us to hit him with everything we’ve got. Just light him up with every spell you know. There’s no way we--”

The monster popped out of the tunnel directly above Eligor, and all I could do was watch in horror as it came down on the knight. The blonde woman jumped backward as quickly as she could, and she just barely avoided the Fistula’s razor-sharp teeth.

However, she wasn’t lucky enough to dodge his fists.

One of the Fistula’s right hands came down on Eligor and knocked her down onto her back. She went down hard, and the lime green spells in her hand went dark.

“Oh, fuck … ” I groaned.

The enchanted barrier around the water disappeared, and a torrent of sludgy liquid shot toward us like it had been launched out of a cannon. If we didn’t do something, we were all going to be washed away by the current. We’d probably be beaten and battered against the rocky brimstone of the cave until we either bled out or drowned.

I honestly didn’t know which one was worse, and I sure as fuck wasn’t going to find out.

I summoned purple Hellfire into my hands, tossed up two barriers directly in front of the incoming waves, and then collapsed down onto my knees when they struck my spell. There was way too much water for me to hold back. Even now, I could feel my violet spell being overwhelmed by the sludgy liquid that would soon act as our final resting place.

Then things got even worse.

The last Fistula appeared once again, this time right above the huddled mass of the rest of my team. The cavern lit up with blue, red, yellow, and black Hellfire as they tried to take the monster down, but he was able to scuttle to safety inside of another tunnel.

The pressure pushing back against my arms was now excruciating, and I knew that this was it. In a few more seconds, my spell would give out to the pure force of the water, and then my friends and I would be little more than Fistula chow.

Then, just as all hope looked lost, I saw two beams, one of gold Hellfire and another of brown, shoot across the room and engulf Eligor. Not two seconds later, the Knight of Hell was back on her feet with a look of determination. She threw out her hands, summoned lime green Hellfire, and then took control of the water once more.

I decast my purple spell, fell to the ground, and let out a deep sigh.

That was way too close for comfort. We had to kill this fucker, and we had to kill him now.

“Eve!” I demanded. “Can you sense where this thing is?”

“Somewhat,” the redhead admitted, and then she pointed to the ground just off to my left. “I know he’s somewhere in this area, but I couldn’t tell you exactly which tunnel.”

“Close enough,” I growled and summoned bronze Hellfire into my hands. “Just be ready. I’m about to blow this fucker’s cover.”

I slammed my glowing palm down against the rocky ground, and instantly the entire cavern began to shake. More importantly, I heard the sound of rocks echoing throughout the tunnels below my position as they were shaken loose.

This fucker was about to be buried alive.

I didn’t even need Eve’s powers to tell me where the Fistula was. He was running up out of his cover so frantically that his footsteps reverberated off the cavern walls like thunder. Finally, the tubey-green bastard launched himself out of the ground and into the air.

However, that was as far as he would get.

The second the green-skinned fucker was airborne, the sound of crackling Hellfire filled the cavern around us. Suddenly, a wave of bronze flames zipped past my head, struck the Fistula, and caused his body to freeze. The creature tried to fight back against the new spell, but within seconds all of his appendages went limp, as if his bones had been turned to jelly.

I glanced back to see where the spell had come from.

It was Mephisto.

The orange demon released his attack, and the Fistula plopped down onto the floor in a fleshy blob. He may have been immobilized, but the monster was still alive.

Tris was about to fix that.

“Hello boys, I’m baaaaaaackkkk!” Tristitia cackled as she summoned her twin tommy guns into her hands and took aim.

The succubus ran forward with “Harold and Kumar” pointed out in front of her. She squeezed the trigger as she ran, and she didn’t stop squeezing, even when she got right up in the Fistula’s face.

The creature’s ugly features were literally ripped off his body from the swarm of enchanted bullets, and his brain splattered onto the walls behind him with the force of a pressure washer. His body slumped, and Sia released her spell.

The last of the Fistula were dead.

“Holy shit, that was rough,” I panted with a slight laugh. “I just hope there’s not more of them.”

“I don’t think there are,” Eve admitted, “I’m not detecting any heartbeats other than our own. And damn, we really need to work on some cardio or something, because we’re totally not pumping at the right levels.”

“Phrasing, Sideshow Babe,” Todd sighed.

“What was wrong with what I said?” Eve protested as she looked the imp up and down. “Are you telling me that you’re the pinnacle of health? Because my analysis of your heartbeat tells me otherwise.”

“I get all the cardio I need with one simple, tiny trick,” the imp giggled and held out his open palm. “Sideshow Babe, meet Mr. Whack-attack.”

Eve raised her eyebrows at the imp as she tried to make sense of her words. Then her lips pursed, and I knew she had just made the connection.

“Out of shape or not,” I interjected, “we need to keep moving. We’ve still got at least another hour before we get to the Palace of Bones. Sia, heal everybody up, and then we can move on.”

“As you wish, Jacob,” Superbia said with a bow.

“Also,” I chuckled as I turned to the floating Mephisto, “where did you learn how to do that? I thought bronze Hellfire was a rare ability?”

It is, my King, Mephisto explained, but I am the Master of Whispers. Surely you must realize that the bronze Hellfire of judgement is a perfect fit for a demon who spreads rumors, like myself.

“Fair enough,” I nodded, “but just for the record, that was pretty badass.”

Thank you, my King.

As Sia walked off to inspect the other teammates for wounds, I used this opportunity to take a quick breather. We hadn’t been traveling for that long, but I was already exhausted.

Yet, we still had miles of tunnel left in front of us, and I had a sinking feeling that the worst was yet to come.

Chapter 16

We plodded onward through the cold, wet caverns, aided by the light from our own Hellfire and the enchanted dam Eligor held. Even though we were deeply underneath the ground of the Fifth Circle, every now and again we could hear the horrific screams of the tortured Shades above us, destined to revisit their moment of death on repeat for all eternity. It was twisted, it was cruel, and it was undoubtedly Baphomet.

“I shoulda brought headphones, bro,” Todd shivered as he plugged his ears. “I’m not gonna be getting this noise outta my head any time soon.”

“It is a bit unnerving at first,” Eclipse shrugged, “but you get used to it after a century or two.”

“Yeah,” Inpulsa added. “It actually becomes pretty calming, almost like white noise. It’s going to take some adjusting if I’m going to be staying in the Fourth Circle. There aren’t the same high-pitched screams of agony that lull me off to sleep.”

“Nope,” Todd snickered, “the only screams we’ve got in the Fourth Circle are the loud, passionate screams of love. Usually coming from my wing. Those take awhile to get used to, too.”

“We lived in a two-bedroom apartment together, Todd,” I shuddered as I reminisced. “And I can assure you I never, ever got used to those sounds.”

“Don’t be hatin’ just because I’m a sex machine, bro,” the imp giggled and flexed his tiny muscles. “I can’t control the sounds that come out of my orifices when I’m in the throes of passion.”

“Uh … ” Gula asked with a horrified tone, “don’t you mean the sounds that come out of your mouth?”

“I know what I said,” the imp stated firmly with a nod.

We pushed forward through the winding tunnels of the Fifth Circle until finally, we came to a dead end. The walls of the cavern rose up around us like a prison of brimstone, and there were no further paths that we could see.

“Son of a bitch,” I growled. “Are we really gonna have to retrace our steps and then start all over?”

“I don’t understand,” Sia pondered as she walked up and placed her hand on the wall. “We’ve gone as deep into the Fifth Circle as we can go. This has to be the correct path.”

“Couldn’t we just continue to burrow through?” Libidine suggested. “Surely our Hellfire powers are strong enough to break through some brimstone.”

“They are, Sister,” Cupi sighed, “but if we go about destroying the cavern walls, we risk the entire thing caving in on us. Being crushed to death may be slightly better than drowning, but I’d really prefer not to have either happen if I can help it.”

“What if we tried to control the blasts?” I questioned. “We could do small, concise beams of Hellfire, almost like a laser cutter.”

“I’d still be concerned about the structural integrity,” Sia sighed. “There’s no telling what’s beyond these walls. There could be nothing but thick brimstone for miles, or this could lead directly out into the swampy waters of the Fifth Circle. And I don’t think I need to remind you what awaits for us out there … ”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” Todd spoke up, “but I totally wish we had that Tremor Sandworm monster around right now. Fuck, I’d even take one of those Fibula things we just killed, as disturbing as they fucking were with their four arms and shit.”

“Could we--”

“I wonder if they used all four arms to beat off?” Todd pondered aloud. “Like, do they use two to crank the shaft while the other two fondle the golden eggs?”

“Wait!” Eve gasped. “I sense--”

“Or do they just go with the tried-and-true method of using one hand while the others help brace it for liftoff?” the imp continued.

“Todd!” I hissed. “Eve’s found something.”

“There’s another heartbeat,” she said curiously, “but it’s no larger than any of our own, and it’s very faint, almost like it’s far away.”

“Is it one of the Shades outside?” I asked, but the redhead shook her head.

“The Shades don’t have heartbeats,” she explained. “This is the heartbeat of someone who is very much alive.”

My blood ran cold in my body as I thought of the possibilities. It couldn’t have been Baphomet. He was a much larger demon, and his heartbeat would have been ten times the size of one of our own.

“Hold on … ” Mirage pondered as she stepped forward and stared intensely at the ceiling. “Is that … ”

The short-haired brunette reached down, picked up a pebble from the floor, and then launched it at the top of the tunnel as hard as she could. Much to our surprise, the tiny piece of rock passed right through the ceiling as if it weren’t even there.

“What the hell?” I gasped.

“I knew it!” Mirage smiled and then pointed at the area above us. “It’s an illusion, just like my own. Well, not quite like my own. I’m not careless enough to leave the glow of green Hellfire around the edges.”

So, it wasn’t a dead end, after all. In fact, we were right where we needed to be.

Very crafty, Mephisto admitted.

“This has to be the entrance,” I announced to the team. “You don’t try to hide a subterranean hole in the ground unless it’s connected to something big.”

“Bro, I don’t see what vegetarians have to do with anything,” Todd mused.

“Sub-terran-ean,” I repeated, but the imp just shrugged.

“Sounds like some sort of dinosaur to me, bro,” he admitted.

“Who wants to go first?” Cupi asked the crowd as she stepped forward.

Without uttering a single word, Inpulsa ran forward, summoned her wings with a flash of purple, and rocketed straight up through the disguised hole.

“I like that one,” Cupi cooed, “always straight to the point.”

“Her name is ‘Inpulsa,’ Cupi,” Todd noted. “It’s kinda in the title. Anywhoooo … alley oop!”

The imp summoned black Hellfire around his body, took a running start, and then shot up through the hole. Mephisto was right behind him.

Libidine was next, followed shortly by Eclipse, Eve, Cupi, Tris, and Sia was carried by Gula. The succubi disappeared through the shabbily-disguised opening, until it was just Mirage, Eligor, and I left down below.

Mirage took another look at the faux wall above her, scrunched her face in disgust, and then summoned two large, scaled wings from her back.

“Amateur hour,” she chuckled to herself as she jumped up and flew through the illusion.

“You go next,” Eligor ordered.

“We’ll go together. I need a lift, anyways.”

“Oh, right,” the knight of Hell said coyly. “I forgot that you don’t have wings. What kind of demon are you, anyway?”

“Nephilim,” I corrected her jokingly. “Now, are you gonna help me or not?”

“On three.” Eligor nodded and held up her glowing green finger. “One … two … now!”

In one sudden movement, Eligor released her spell, summoned her black angel wings, and then zipped over behind me. She took me in her arms, yanked me up into the sky, and we shot through the false ceiling in a flash.

I glanced down and saw she had moved just in time. Below, a literal tidal wave roared underneath our feet and then crashed into the wall with the force of a tsunami.

If we had been one second later, our bodies would have been swept up in the waves like ragdolls, and we probably would have been violently thrown against the rocky wall. At best, that was a few broken bones. At worst, our heads would have been cracked open like a walnut.

Thank goodness Eligor knew what she was doing.

Once we were through the faux ceiling, the entire area around us became more visible, thanks in part to a giant opening about two-hundred feet above our heads. The walls abruptly transformed from jagged black brimstone to a series of polished, symmetrical bricks as we rose.

This thing was man-made, almost like a sort of reverse chimney.

Within a few seconds, the two of us blasted out of the top of the structure and were met with the dark blue sky of the Fifth Circle. The rest of my friends all hovered in the air around us, and about twenty feet below us were the swampy depths that housed this place’s tortured Shades.

However, not half a mile across the landscape stood an island. An island with a castle that was a dirty white and appeared so rickety it could fall over at any moment in time.

It was the Palace of Bones.

“We made it!” Libidine exclaimed happily.

“Not quite yet,” I reminded her. “We need to get over there before Baphomet figures out we’re here.”

Hastened by our panicked realization, the group shot over the grody water without another word until finally, we put ourselves down in front of the Palace of Bones.

This fucking thing was every bit as horrific as I expected it to be. The entirety of the perimeter wall was made up of arm and leg bones that had been fastened together to create a structure nearly one-hundred feet tall and nearly a mile wide. The main gate of the palace was constructed completely out of mandible jaw bones and held in place by a makeshift pulley system. Upon closer inspection, the “rope” that held up the drawbridge was made up of fucking spines.

Meanwhile, the whole perimeter of the castle glowed brightly with a protective spell of purple Hellfire.

“Strange,” Sia mused as she took in the sight, “most demons don’t know how to use protective Hellfire. They’re usually much too aggressive and selfish to have anything to truly care about.”

Unfortunately, Gamigin very much cares about one thing … self-preservation, Mephisto explained. It makes him one of the few demons in Hell who can use that sort of power.

“Still,” I observed with a sly grin, “we have one thing that trumps all of that. We’ve got Cupi, the succubus with the greatest tongue in the universe.”

“Hey!” half of the succubi on the team responded offendedly.

“Your tongues are all great too, ladies,” I shrugged coyly, “but I’m talking about her abilities with incantations and all that.”

What kind of incantation can deactivate Hellfire? Mephisto questioned.

“Simple,” Cupi explained proudly as she strutted forward. “It’s a little-known fact most Hellfire magic can be stomped out with a proper incantation. It’s just the incantations take forever, and that makes them nearly useless when you’re in the heat of battle. For static spells, though … Now, everybody join hands and repeat after me.”

The group all got into a large circle, reached out our arms, and took each other by the hand. Then, we bowed our heads as Cupiditas began to speak in a mixture of Latin and tongues. I could only make out a few words of the incantation, but it sounded like she was calling upon a greater power to “extinguish the fire of her enemies” and to “break through the shields of the damned.” We repeated her incantation the best we could until finally, the blonde succubus stopped talking.

At the same time, the purple Hellfire that surrounded the Palace of Bones began to flicker and fade until finally, it disappeared completely.

“Nice work, Cupiditas,” Superbia announced.

“You’re welcome,” Cupi giggled and then pretended to brush dust off her shoulder.

“Now, for the door,” I said as I turned to the Sister of Lust. “Liby, you want to give me a hand on this one?”

Libidine and I both summoned green Hellfire into our hands, took aim at the pulleys on either side of the door, and then surrounded it with our emerald spell. We ordered the circular pulley system to turn and, sure enough, the bony door began to descend. The spinal chains clinked and clanked as it was lowered down to the ground, and then it finally came to a halt with a dull “thud.”

“There,” I chuckled and decast my spell. “Now, it’s only a matter of finding that fucker Gamigin.”

“I think I can help with that,” Eve suggested. “I can already sense the heartbeat from earlier is much, much closer. If we just keep following it as it gets louder … ”

“We can find Gamigin and make him fucking pay,” I growled. “Let’s do it. Is everybody ready?”

The rest of the team gave me firm nods, and then we began our journey into the depths of the castle.

Eve led the way, and it took everything in my power to not just stare at her perfect, tight ass as she walked. Instead, I focused on the architecture of the castle itself.

The Palace of Bones was built much more like a cathedral than a traditional castle. The ceilings were ridiculously high and built up to form a large dome, and all around us were arches made up of the macabre remains of Baphomet’s former foes. There were even a bunch of pedestals that housed the artifacts the King of the Fifth Circle thought were his greatest conquests.

Baphomet was one sick fucker.

“What’s the plan when we get there?” Libidine asked quietly as we passed through the main lobby of the Palace.

“It’s thirteen to one,” I reminded her. “For once, just this once, I say we kick down the door and light him up with everything we’ve got.”

“What about his protective powers?” Deja questioned. “Won’t that like, shield him from our attacks? That’s what you always do.”

The brunette succubus was right. Even if we were to get the jump of Gamigin, he would just toss up a wall of purple fire and then use his elemental magic to counter-attack from safety.

I rubbed my chin curiously as I pondered a solution.

Then it hit me.

“Mirage, do you think you can help out with that one?” I asked the short-haired master of illusion.

“Recreating the image of thirteen demons and their individual spells?” she scoffed. “That’s child’s play, my King.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” I agreed. “So, new plan. Mirage creates an illusion to draw Gamigin’s attention and then, when he lets his guard down, we attack him for real.”

“I like the way you think, Jakey,” Todd snickered, “we’re totally gonna make Mr. Ed shit a brick before we send him off to the glue factory.”

Who is this “Mr. Ed” you keep comparing Gamigin to? Mephisto questioned. He sounds like a very prominent figure in your Earth Realm culture.

“You don’t even know, Great Pumpkin,” the imp giggled. “A horse is just a horse, or course. Unless it’s Mr. Ed.”

A horse is a horse … unless it’s Mr. Ed? Mephisto questioned with eyes full of confusion. So, he’s a human? A great Earth warrior?

“Nope,” Todd corrected, “he’s a talking horse, bro. But not just a horse, of course.”

Mephisto stared in silence at the imp for a long moment and then shook his head.

Your Earth Culture baffles me, he surrendered.

“Guys … ” Eve warned us, “his heartbeat is going crazy. I think he’s in this room over here.”

The redhead with the wavy hair pointed over to a nearby door covered with grisly decor. There was a humanesque skull in the center of the door with two rib bones that jutted out of the mouth and curled down to form a knocker. All over the wood were tiny, white pieces that acted as a sort of bedazzlement.

Once we got closer, my stomach did a full three-sixty.

It was decorated with teeth.

I held down my lunch and then turned back to Mirage as I placed my hand delicately on the doorknob. It was made out of a small skull, and I had to force my mind away from all of the awful possibilities that went along with the revelation.

The short-haired succubus summoned her green Hellfire mist into her hand, gave me a nod, and then surrounded the team in its glow.

I flung open the door and jumped out of the way as Mirage’s spell flew into the room and projected the image of all thirteen of us inside.

There was a split-second sensation of being transported through time and space, and then I felt my projection appear directly in front of Gamigin. It was a strange feeling. I could see both what was going on inside the room and what was going on in front of my physical body at the same time.

The room we’d just entered appeared to be a study of some sort, with a bony bookcase against the wall and a couple of desks made out of the same material.

“Jacob!” Gamigin gasped when he saw us. “How did you--”

“You fucking tried to kill me, bro!” Todd’s projection hissed. “But the Toddster lives to fight another day. Viva la revolución!”

The imp’s projection launched a fireball at the horse-like Demon Lord, and everyone else in the group followed with a spell of their own.

As expected, Gamigin created a massive wall of purple Hellfire in front of himself and then summoned lime green fire into his second hand.

Now was my chance.

I quickly surrounded all of our physical forms with green Hellfire and pictured the spot directly behind Gamigin.

Enchanted vines shot up from the ground beneath our projections, but when they attacked, they hit nothing but air.

“What in the--” Gamigin began, but that was when I made my move.

I teleported the team’s physical bodies into the room. We reappeared right behind the horse-faced fucker, and he’d just began to turn around when we lit him up with everything we had.

Shots of yellow, red, silver, black, and bronze Hellfire shot through the air, struck the Demon Lord, and turned his body into a living light show. Gamigin let out a wail of horror as his body was assaulted with every type of attack we knew, and then he fell to his knees as smoke rolled off his body and his flesh began to singe away.

When we finally released our spell, Gamigin was little more than a burnt husk of a demon. His skin was completely charred, and blood was oozing out of every orifice on his body as he heaved forward and landed on his hands and knees.

I drew the Unhallowed Sword as I approached the bastard, intent on going in for the kill.

“Gamigin,” I growled, “I don’t know what was going through your mind when you decided to betray me, and frankly I don’t care. You tried to fuck me over and kill my friends. And for that, you die.”

The horse-faced Demon Lord lifted his head to say something, but I was done with his bullshit.

I brought the sword down on his neck, and the fucker’s head was separated from his shoulders with a wet shlock. It hit the ground, rolled across the floor, and came to a stop underneath Mirage’s foot.

“That was way less intense than I thought it would be,” the brunette mused. “Do all of the opponents you face go down so easily?”

“Not at all, Houdini,” Todd explained as he rapped on his tiny chin. “In fact, most of our adventures end with us facing off against some massive, larger-than-life enemy that nearly kills us. It feels like we just took down a mini boss or something, and the real boss is--”

“Very impressive,” a deep, inhuman voice mocked from above.

“Theeeerrrrreee it is,” Todd sighed and summoned red Hellfire into his hands.

We all looked up to see the shadow of a large demon through the stained-glass window, hovering above the Palace of Bones like a vulture circling his prey. Without warning, the shadow lurched downward, burst through the window, and sent a spray of colorful glass shards in our direction.

I tossed up a quick barrier of purple to protect my friends from the falling glass and then watched in horror as the demon descended.

His massive, bulky frame was carried by two giant black angel wings. His hairy, hooved legs were covered up by a loose-fitting pair of pants that hung off his body like a disheveled bedsheet, and his goat-shaped head and long, reverse-curved horns became clearer as he approached.

The demon landed hard on the ground, stood to his feet, and crossed his arms over his muscular chest.

It was Baphomet.

“Long time, no see, King Ralston,” the King of the Fifth Circle mocked. “I didn’t expect you to deal with Gamigin so quickly. If I knew he wouldn’t have even put up a fight against you, I never would have chosen him as the bait in the first place.”

Son of a bitch … getting strategic information from Gamigin was never the end goal for the Unholy Trio. He was little more than a sacrificial goat, used to bring in the real target. They wanted us here, on their turf, without my army to back us up.

And that was exactly what they had done.

Now, Baphomet had us right where he wanted us, and there was no way both of us were walking out of this room alive.

Chapter 17

“Beelzebub and Gressil warned me about facing you head-on,” Baphomet mused as he stood there with his arms crossed over his buff chest. “They said they needed ‘strategy’ and ‘careful planning’ to crush you like the cockroach you are, but they were wrong. Apparently, all it took was a blow to your ego. Like I said before, Nephilim, you’re not so different than the rest of us Demon Kings.”

“What can I say?” I growled and tightened my grip on the Unhallowed Sword. “I’ve got the blood of the Prince of Darkness flowing through my veins.”

“Ah, yes,” the goat-headed fucker rolled his eyes dismissively, “so I’ve heard. Do you want an award or something? Your heritage doesn’t make you any less killable.”

“Killable?” Todd snorted. “I think your little ungulate brain can’t comprehend simple math, Mr. Tumnus. There’s thirteen of us and only one of you.”

“Ungulate?” Tris questioned curiously. “Is that one of your weird sex terms?”

“What?” Todd retorted. “No, it’s a large category of mammals that have hooved feet. Duuuuh. I wouldn’t expect a sloth like yourself to understand.”

“I-I don’t understand,” Eve gasped, “I couldn’t sense him at all.”

“That’s because you’re a lowly succubus.” Baphomet grinned as he summoned black Hellfire into his hands. “Your powers are nothing compared to my concealment magic. I’ve been hovering over the Palace of Bones this whole time, waiting for you.”

“Shoulda cast ‘detect magic,’ bro,” Todd whispered.

“I could kill all thirteen of you with a snap of my damn fingers,” the Demon King mused, “but I’m only here for one of you. My Daeva will handle the rest.”

Baphomet did in fact snap his fingers, and then the air around us was filled with the sound of rumbling water. Suddenly, there were several splashes, and tiny black demons with red markings began to appear in the window above us. Their eyes glowed a shade of dark crimson as they stared down on us and snarled with their razor-sharp teeth.

I couldn’t get a good count on the little bastards, but there were far too many for my liking.

“Crowd-controllers and long-range fighters,” I ordered my team, “you guys handle the Daeva. I’ve got Mr. Tumnus here, unless anyone else wants to help out.”

“Please,” Baphomet begged mockingly, “the more, the merrier. Now, ‘King Ralston,’ do you have any final words? Would you like to beg for mercy and the lives of your pathetic friends? I’ll be honest, it won’t make a difference. But it would be very entertaining to watch you grovel like the vermin you are.”

“Alright,” I snarled, “I’m done fucking talking.”

Without another word, I summoned bronze Hellfire into my hands, launched it at the Demon King’s feet, and sent him stumbling backwards. Then I charged the fucker with my sword at the ready, but he was much faster than I’d anticipated.

As I swung my weapon in a diagonal motion, Baphomet sidestepped and then used his massive, goat-like horn to parry the blow. The next thing I knew, his fist swung at me with the speed of a professional boxer’s.

I tossed up a quick shield of purple to knock away the attack, but he was already onto the next strike.

Baphomet’s hooved leg came up and struck me in the shin, and black tunnels appeared around my vision as I heard a wet pop. Excruciating pain shot through my left leg as I fell down onto one knee and just barely ducked out of the way of the demon’s second hoof. It swished past the spot where my face would have been, and I came up swinging.

The Unhallowed Sword sliced right into the Demon King’s calf, and Baphomet let out a goat-like cry of pain. However, my sword didn’t sever the fucker’s leg like I’d hoped. Instead, my dark blade lodged itself into the back of his appendage as if it were an axe sticking into a piece of wood.

This bastard must have had some pretty thick skin.

The next thing I knew, Baphomet’s hand grabbed me by the hair. He yanked his leg back down onto the ground and, at the same time, brought my head down into the rocky brimstone.

I felt the taste of warm, irony blood in my mouth as the Demon King slammed my face into the ground and then lifted my head up once more.

Not this time, bitch.

I summoned silver Hellfire into my hands, surrounded the metal ball that hung from my belt, and then ordered it to launch itself forward as a spear.

Baphomet let out a gasp of surprise as he released my head and threw up his hand to protect himself. The makeshift spear stabbed through the fleshy palm of his hand as if it were made of cardboard, and then I ordered it to tie around the goat-headed demon’s arm like a snake.

Next, I commanded the metal to jerk backward, and the demon literally hit himself in the face. Blackish-red blood sprayed from his skull as he wobbled, off balance, and then I quickly blasted the fucker with the largest fireball of red flames that I could muster.

Baphomet let out a grunt of frustration as he was launched through a nearby wall of bones and disappeared from sight.

“Superbia!” I called out as I whipped around to check on my friends. “Could I get an assist here?”

Most of my teammates were engaged with the tiny red and black demons on the ground, and they were dropping the fuckers like flies.

Todd and Tris were double teaming the Daeva. The mischievous imp was zipping around, crop dusting his opponents with a cloud of silver, reeferfied mist. Then, once the crowd of Daeva were good and stoned, Tris cartwheeled by gleefully and took them out with her dual Tommy guns.

Gula, Deja, and Eclipse formed another team at the other side of the room. The brunette time-manipulator was snatching up Daeva with her speared chain and tossing them into the sky, where the other two took them out with a swipe of their axe and naginata.

Sia and Mirage seemed to be holding their own against the Daeva that were attacking them, as well. The redhead picked up the tiny demons in her black Hellfire and then watched coyly as they suffocated to death. Meanwhile, Mirage was making short work of the bastards with her gladius sword.

The rest of the team must have been up on the roof, because bodies of Daeva were falling down through the broken window above. In the short time we’d been engaged with Baphomet and his demons, my team had already killed enough of the fuckers to make a Civil War battlefield jealous.

“On it!” Superbia called out as she used her black Hellfire to snap her opponent’s neck.

Then the succubus madame spun around, summoned golden Hellfire into her hands, and blasted it across the palace. The beam wrapped me in its warm embrace, and I instantly felt my body begin to tingle with its healing sensation. Nearly instantly, I felt the pain disappear from my face and my splintered shin, and within seconds I was good as new.

Just in time, too.

The moment I was fully healed, Baphomet came flying at me through the wall. His dark eyes were full of rage, and he had his razor-sharp horns pointed directly at my chest.

I quickly created a series of violet barriers, ran up them like a makeshift staircase, and then flipped over Baphomet nonchalantly. As I landed on the ground, I slapped my glowing purple hand against my breastplate. Instantly, the shimmering spell spread across my armor, all the way down to my boots and around my face to form an enchanted, translucent suit of armor.

“Alright, motherfucker,” I growled as I threw out my hands in a challenge, “let’s try this again.”

Baphomet came back around with his charge, but I was done playing around, and I threw up a wall of purple Hellfire to block his attack.

The goat-headed demon just laughed, summoned black Hellfire into his hand, and blasted it at the wall of fire. I watched in horror as the normally-reliable spell withered and faded before me, and Baphomet’s razor-sharp horns barreled toward me, unfazed.

I tried to jump out of the way, but the Demon King had caught me off-guard. His left horn caught me in the stomach, and I let out a grunt of frustration as I was tossed backwards. I rolled across the ground for a moment, used my momentum to toss myself back to my feet, and felt my breastplate for damage.

It was still all in one piece, but there was a dull ache in my abdomen. My armor had held up, but that bruise was gonna hurt like a bitch in the morning.

Baphomet came around again with his magic-neutralizing Hellfire at the ready.

I summoned silver Hellfire into my hands, reached out, and ordered the metal around Baphomet’s arm to yank him to the side.

The Demon King let out a gasp as he smacked into the wall and sent bones flying in all directions. I dragged him across the floor under the power of my spell until he finally got wise and deactivated my silver Hellfire with a flash of black magic.

As Baphomet slowly got back up onto his cloven feet, I used my silver Hellfire to liquify the metal on his arm and then call it back into my hand. As it returned, the metallic fluid shaped itself into a large warhammer, complete with intricate detailing. After the weapon had fully manifested itself in my hands, I lit it up with a blast of Divine Light.

“Alright,” I mocked the goat-headed bastard in front of me, “if I can’t use my spells to kick your ass, I’m just gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way.”

“That’s more like it.” Baphomet grinned, and then he stomped his hoof into the ground like a bull preparing to charge. “I look forward to grinding your bones into dust and then putting whatever’s left of your pulverized corpse on display.”

Without another word, the goat-headed demon took a running start toward me. He roared with anticipation as he approached with the Unhallowed Sword still jutting out of his leg, and then he swung at me with a right hook.

I parried his blow with the warhammer, lashed out with its blunt end, and struck Baphomet in the face.

Even though the blow knocked him off-balance, he recovered nearly instantly and returned fire with a headbutt. His massive, horned head smashed into my enchanted helmet, and I felt my brain rattle around in my skull as I was thrown onto my back.

My vision was blurry as I went down, but I was still able to see Baphomet lift up his hoof. He brought it down square onto my chest, and I felt the brimstone beneath me crack against my back as the air was knocked out of my lungs.

He brought up his leg to go for another stomp.

“Not this time, motherfucker,” I snarled.

Then I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, surrounded the Unhallowed Sword with its spell, and yanked it backward.

Baphomet’s eyes went wide as his leg went back with the sword, and there was a spray of blood as the blade was pulled loose from the flesh of his calf and tossed onto the ground. There was nowhere for the demon to go but down, and I just barely rolled out of the way as his massive frame collapsed onto the spot where I had been laying.

Then I jumped to my feet, raised my warhammer above my head, and brought it down on Baphomet’s spine.

There was a loud cracking sound as the weapon smashed into the fucker’s back and drove him into the ground. While he was disoriented, I repeated the action two more times before I went in for the killing blow. I raised the warhammer, aimed for Baphomet’s skull, and let out a growl of determination as I went in for the finisher.

Baphomet had other ideas.

In one swift motion, the fucker rolled over, tossed up his wounded hand, and caught the hilt of the warhammer like it was nothing. I tried to liquify the weapon, but Baphomet had already activated his black Hellfire.

Then the Demon King threw up his hoof and kicked me hard in the stomach.

I let out a grunt of pain as the blow threw me back into the ground, and I only had seconds to recover before the head of my own hammer was upon me. I blocked the attack with a cast of purple Hellfire, rolled out of Baphomet’s range, and then tossed a handful of yellow shuriken at the bastard.

Baphomet dispelled the attack with a wave of his glowing black hand, but that was exactly what I wanted.

I summoned green Hellfire into my hand, reached out to the Unhallowed Sword that was laying on the other side of the room, and then called it back to my hands. I caught it, enchanted it with red flames, and then was just able to block the incoming blow from the hammer.

Sparks of black and red Hellfire flew as the weapons clashed, and I sneered as I locked eyes with Baphomet.

“Enchanted weapons,” he mused, “they’re a blessing and a curse, aren’t they, Nephilim?”

I pushed Baphomet back, ducked down, and then spun around and took a swipe at his legs. The Unhallowed Sword connected with his shins, and the fucker let out a yelp of pain as splatters of his dark red blood splashed out onto the floor.

Baphomet let out a roar of rage and then began to swing at me wildly.

I sidestepped the warhammer, summoned bronze Hellfire around my fist, and then slugged the goat-headed fucker in the face.

His head shook violently from my spell, and for a second I thought it was going to make a three-hundred-sixty degree turn, but Baphomet recovered with a flash of black Hellfire.

I stabbed at his noggin with the tip of my blade, but he was able to parry it gracefully with a spin.

As he came around, I felt the warhammer slam into the back of my armor. A sharp pain shot through my spine as my body was launched forward, and I took out a wall of bones with a clatter.

I groggily pulled myself back to my feet as I watched the King of the Fifth Circle charge toward me with the warhammer at the ready.

“Yo! Mr. Tumnus!” I heard Todd’s voice cackle. “Catch!”

Suddenly, the body of a Daeva careened toward Baphomet’s head. The demon spun around, swung at the incoming corpse with the warhammer, and turned it into little more than a spray of gore.

“Did you really think that--” Baphomet began, but Todd was on a roll.

“Pikachu, I choose you!” the imp cackled and pretended to throw a pokeball.

Inpulsa zipped down, landed in front of Baphomet, and then sent a massive bolt of yellow Hellfire in his direction. At the same time, Libidine, Cupi, and Mephisto launched spells at the bastard from above.

Baphomet held the warhammer in front of him, surrounded it with black Hellfire, and then cackled as the attacks faded into oblivion.

“When will you learn?” he mocked. “The King of the Fifth Circle doesn’t--”

Suddenly, the tip of Eve’s rapier burst forth through Baphomet’s chest.

“You’re not in Narnia anymore, bitch!” Todd mused from above.

However, despite the surprise attack, Baphomet was still standing. His brow furrowed with white-hot rage as he reached up, grabbed the blade of the rapier, and then pulled it even further through his chest.

Eve gasped in shock as she was whipped forward, and then Baphomet tossed his head backward. His noggin smacked into Eve’s face, and she groaned in pain as she fell backward onto the ground. Her nose was now trickling blood, and I could tell she was injured pretty badly.

My stomach burned with rage at the sight of the beautiful woman being brutalized, and I vowed to make this motherfucker pay for that.

“Valiant effort,” Baphomet chuckled, “but my anatomy is different than most demons. You’re going to have to try harder than that.”

I was sure as fuck going to take him up on that offer.

“Open fire!” I commanded the team, even though I knew it wouldn’t do much good.

However, it would give me a brief distraction. And that was just what I needed to get Eve out of harm’s way.

I summoned green Hellfire into my hands as I watched the assault on Baphomet begin. Then I created a portal underneath Eve’s body, watched as she fell through, and made her reappear in my arms.

“We have to stop meeting like this,” the succubus giggled groggily as she looked up at me with her violet eyes.

“We have to get you over to Sia,” I corrected.

The team of Mephisto, Cupi, Liby, Todd, Eligor, and Inpulsa were all keeping Baphomet engaged, but Sia and the rest of the crew were still fighting off the Daeva.

With Eve still in my arms, I took off toward the battlefield.

“I-I’ll be fine,” Eve protested, but I wasn’t having any of it.

“Hey, medic!” I called out to the madame. “We need some help over here.”

Superbia kept her eyes on the seemingly endless waves of Daeva that were coming through the doorway, but she reached out with a glowing gold hand and blasted her healing spell in my direction.

It was a bit off the mark, but I was able to position Eve in its trajectory. The second the golden Hellfire touched her body, the blood running out of her nose began to dry up, and the crook in her brow straightened itself back to normal.

Soon, the redhead with the wavy hair was as good as new.

I sat Eve back on her feet and then turned my attention to the Daeva. These little bastards were swarming into the building like a pack of lemmings. No matter how many of these guys my team took out, five more seemed to take their place.

“I hate to be a downer,” Tris called out as she blasted a few more Daeva with her Tommy guns, “but if we don’t do something soon, we’re royally boned.”

“Boned … ” I pondered aloud. “Tris, that’s it! You’re a genius!”

“All in a day’s work, my dude,” the brunette giggled. “But, uh, for the record … how am I a genius? Like, I totally know why, but Eve over there probably doesn’t.”

“Your powers,” I explained as I blasted a Daeva with a shot of red Hellfire. “We’re surrounded by a literal building of bones. And what are bones?”

Tris shot a few more Daeva, and then she turned her head and shot me a five-mile smile.

“Ahhhhh,” she mused, “I get it. Gula! Boost me!”

“Right now?” Gula called back as she decapitated one of the small demons. “I’m a little busy!”

“Tag me in!” I offered as I ran toward the Sister of Gluttony.

I slashed my sword through the crowd of Daeva as I approached and took down a handful of the fuckers. Then, once I was close enough to Gula, I engaged with the group of grunts surrounding her.

I threw down a combo of yellow and red Hellfire, and dozens of tiny shuriken stabbed into the Daevas’ pectorals. At first, the weapons did nothing. Then I snapped my fingers, and they exploded with a burst of gore as the fuckers’ chests were turned into empty cavities.

While her opponents were distracted, Gula threw her boosting brown flames around Tristitia.

“Ittttt’ssss showtime!” the Sister of Sloth cackled wildly as she called forth her wings and took to the sky.

Tris stopped in midair, summoned orange Hellfire around her body, and then blasted it into the walls of the castle. The entire Palace of Bones seemed to be encased by the necromancy spell, and then the bones themselves began to rattle like the structure was being rocked by an earthquake.

I watched with amusement as the bones began to fall from the walls and ceiling and then slowly pull themselves together into misformed, Cronenberg-esque figures. When all was said and done, we found ourselves standing on a barren island. There was no more Palace of Bones.

Tris had just turned this entire building into a fucking army of reanimated skeletons.

The succubus let out a whistle, and the misshapen abominations converged on the Army of the Dejected. There were screams of terror as the Daeva were skewered and torn to bits by the necromatic army.

More importantly, that freed up everyone to focus on Baphomet.

“Let’s take this fucker out once and for all!” I commanded the second half of my forces, and then I motioned for them to follow me into battle.

Eclipse, Tris, Gula, Sia, Mirage, and Deja let out a triumphant cry as they charged at Baphomet.

The King of the Fifth Circle was still dispelling the attacks of the others as we approached, but he must have seen us coming. Baphomet took to the sky, summoned black Hellfire into his hands, and then blasted the attack down on us with a cry of fury.

We all tried to dodge the attack, but it was too quick. The black Hellfire struck our group, but it didn’t seem to do any damage.

At least, not at first.

Then I saw my armor begin to flicker, and I tried to summon it back with a cast of violet Hellfire. However, all that came out were purple sparks.

“What the fuck?” Tris demanded as her Tommy guns clicked and indicated they were empty.

“His attack just sapped us of our powers!” Sia gasped as she tried to cast her black Hellfire, but nothing happened.

The King of the Fifth Circle blasted out another wave of black Hellfire, and the other half of my team was struck by the spell.

Todd let out a girlish scream of terror as his black Hellfire disappeared, and he plummeted through the sky and smacked into the ground.

“He’s honeydicking us, bro!” the imp bemoaned. “Isn’t that, like, against the rules of Hell or something?”

“I’m afraid it’s not,” Baphomet announced devilishly as he hovered above us. “How do you think I’ve been able to keep tabs on you this whole time, even while you’re invisible? The only reason I let you pass through my Circle unscathed is because I wanted to. It’s all part of the plan, but I’m tired of waiting.”

“Why don’t you come down here and fight me, one-on-one?” I demanded. “Winner take all, fight to the death, hand-to-hand.”

“Nice try, Nephilim,” the goat-headed bastard shook his head, “But I’m not an idiot. I don’t know what hair-brained scheme you’ve been cooking up in that pathetic mortal head of yours, but I’m not falling for it. You’re in no position to be making demands.”

“Come on, bro!” Todd begged as he threw out his hands in a challenge. “Me and Jakey vs. you. Stock, no items, seven-minute limit. Stage hazards are optional.”

“Are you challenging him to Smash Bros?” I whispered to the imp, but Todd just shushed me.

“I’m trying to help out, bro,” he hissed. “Maybe Mr. Tumnus is like, a hardcore gamer or some shit. I bet he picks fucking Metaknight.”

“Enough!” Baphomet growled. “Now, ‘King Ralston’, it’s time for your story to come to its end.”

The Demon King shot down at me, hauled back the warhammer, and took a swing.

I ducked out of the attack, stood back up, and jabbed at Baphomet with the Unhallowed Sword. My attack missed its mark, and I had only seconds to avoid the next swipe of the warhammer. As I narrowly avoided the second blow, I threw up my blade, caught my opponent’s weapon by the hilt, and flipped it out of his hand.

Baphomet responded with a swift swing of his fist, but I was able to step back quickly enough to avoid having my jaw broken.

Just then, the succubi with weapons entered the fray. Deja’s chain flew over and wrapped around the Demon King’s leg, while the blunt end of Cupi’s polearm struck the fucker in the face. At the same time, Gula’s axe came down and embedded itself firmly in Baphomet’s shoulder blade.

The King of the Fifth Circle roared with fury as he kicked his leg and brought Deja crashing to the ground. Then he reached back, grabbed onto Gula’s wrist, and flung her at Cupi with enough force to send them both tumbling across the rocky ground.

Mirage, Todd, and Eclipse jumped into the fray as I stabbed at Baphomet again, but he made short work of our attacks.

The Demon King caught both my blade and the blade of Mirage’s gladius in his hand and then spun us around like a helicopter. I felt my feet swing out behind my body before they struck one of my allies, and then I was thrown to the ground violently.

I tumbled across the brimstone floor for a few seconds until I felt the soft hands of my succubi stop my momentum. As I stood back to my feet, they all wore looks of despair.

“Without our powers, how are we going to defeat this guy?” Libidine asked somberly.

“We don’t need our powers to kill this joke of a Demon King,” I retorted as I held up my sword. “All I need is ‘ol faithful here.”

Baphomet was now going for the discarded warhammer, so I charged over to intercept the bastard, took a swing at him with my blade, and heard a yelp of pain as I made contact with his right wing.

There was a geyser of blood as Baphomet’s wing was severed from his back, and his body skidded across the ground. He reached out and grabbed the warhammer, but I was on top of him immediately.

Baphomet barely dodged the Unhallowed Sword as I stabbed it toward his head, and then he came around with his own weapon. It smashed into my side and knocked me away, and I felt a wet crack in my ribcage as I fell to the ground.

Something in there was definitely broken.

I used my sword to pull myself back to my feet and nursed my side as I readied for the incoming onslaught.

“Pathetic,” Baphomet mused as he began to walk toward me slowly, but I could tell he was favoring the side where I’d cut off his wing. “You thought you could kill Beelzebub and take your place at your daddy’s side? You’re not even a match for me, even with all of your foolish friends trying to help!”

Baphomet readied the warhammer in his hand, and I weakly prepared to block. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep this up.

Then I heard the distinct crackle of Hellfire.

A silver flame struck Baphomet in the back, and his eyes went wide with surprise. The demon whipped around in a panicked frenzy to see what the fuck was happening, and the silver Hellfire engulfed his entire body.

And there, standing behind the fucker, was Eve.

The redhead had a look of cool determination on her face as she held her attack, and she now stood in a stance full of poise.

“How are you--I depowered you!” Baphomet growled as he began to change his course and go toward the succubus. “Your filthy succubus powers are nothing. You are nothing!”

“Are you sure about that?” Eve asked with a coy smile.

Suddenly, Baphomet’s entire demeanor changed as realization seemed to hit him. His body tensed up, and he looked like he’d just seen a ghost.

“N-No … ” he muttered, but then his surprise turned to anger. “You aren’t--You can’t be. You fucking traitor!”

The King of the Fifth Circle charged at Eve, but she was more than ready for him. Baphomet’s gait slowed as he approached the succubus, a result of her lifeforce-draining powers, and by the time he actually got to her, all she had to do was sidestep his blow casually.

The redhead stabbed her rapier into Baphomet’s left shoulder, and it instantly went limp. He tried to lash out at her with the warhammer, one-handed, but he missed by a mile.

Eve remained calm as she dodged the Demon King’s blows, and then she summoned forth her large, bat-like wings. As she floated up into the sky, she surrounded her entire body with silver Hellfire.

“I am the one who gives life and takes it away,” she mused nonchalantly. “I think I’ve let you play enough, Baphomet. Now, playtime is over.”

The silver Hellfire shot out in every direction like metallic tendrils and then attached themselves to each member of our team.

I could feel the power returning to my body, and I confirmed the return when I summoned red Hellfire into my hand. Then I ran it over the Unhallowed Sword, lit up the blade, and held it out in front of me.

“Let’s kill this bastard,” I announced, and then I began to charge.

As I ran, my friends unleashed Hell on Baphomet. He was able to use his black Hellfire to deflect some of the attacks, but there were simply too many. He let out grunts of pain as daggers stabbed into his body and fireballs singed his mangy fur, but he held firm.

Baphomet may have had an enchanted death grip on my warhammer, but I still had one ace up my sleeve. I summoned silver Hellfire into my hand, grabbed the goat-headed dagger from my belt, and turned it into a silver liquid. Then I ordered it to mold its shape into a form of jagged barbed wire before I set it loose on my opponent.

The barbed wire shot around Baphomet’s arm at the elbow, and I commanded it to twist around rapidly in a circle. The makeshift saw blade tore into the demon’s flesh, and he screamed in pain as he fumbled to stop it with his black Hellfire.

The second he turned his attention away from the warhammer, I commanded it to liquify, form itself back into a ball, and then return to my belt.

Now that he was disarmed, Baphomet was fucked.

He desperately tried to dispel the attacks of my friends, but he was essentially helpless. Blood sprayed from his mouth as Eligor struck him with enchanted rocks. His body was becoming a literal human pincushion, thanks to Libidine’s yellow spears, and his flesh was riddled with bullets from Harold and Kumar. To top it all off, his life force was being sapped by Eve.

Finally, Baphomet fell down to his knees.

“Hold!” I ordered my team, and their spells ceased instantly.

I was now only a few feet from the King of the Fifth Circle, so I held out my flaming blade and aimed straight for his chest. There was a sickly “shluck” as it entered his torso, and his let out an eardrum-shattering scream.

“I don’t know where your fucking heart is,” I growled as I stared into the Demon King’s eyes, “but it doesn’t matter for shit if you’re fried from the inside.”

Baphomet opened his mouth to respond, but I was done talking.

I channeled all the power I had into the blade of the Unhallowed Sword, and Baphomet’s entire body lit up with red flames.

He convulsed and shrieked as his internal organs were turned into a crisp until finally, his eyes went dark and his body went limp.

I removed my blade from the Demon King’s chest, and he fell to the ground, dead.

Finally, Baphomet was dead.

“We did it!” Libidine exclaimed. “The King of the Fifth Circle is no more!”

I turned around and gave my friends a weak smile.

“We sure as fuck did.” I grinned and pointed at Eve. “All thanks to this beautiful creature right here. How the fuck did you do that?”

“Because--” Eligor began, but then Eve gave her a dirty look and cut her off.

“I’ll explain later,” the redhead shrugged, “but for now, we need to send a message. Tristitia? Superbia? Can you bring me those two surviving Daeva?”

“Uh, there are survivors?” Tris retorted as she turned around and surveyed the battlefield.

All of her skeleton soldiers had been deanimated from Baphomet’s black Hellfire, and the entire island now looked like it was a field of bones.

“They’re right over there, near where the entrance of the Palace used to be.” Eve pointed, and then the two succubi took off in that direction. “Now, Jacob … may I borrow your sword?”

“What’s going on, Eve?” I questioned as I handed her the Unhallowed Sword. “Why are you acting different all of the sudden?”

The redheaded succubus took my blade in her hand, strutted over to Baphomet’s dead body, and lifted the weapon above her head. With one fell swoop, she separated the fucker’s head from his body, and then she picked it up by the horn and examined it thoroughly.

“Still recognizable,” she noted, “perfect.”

Superbia and Tris returned with two wounded Daeva in their hands and sat them down at Eve’s feet.

“What do you possibly want with these guys?” Tris asked. “Are you gonna finish ‘em off, execution style?”

“Not quite,” Eve chuckled. “Sia, please heal them.”

“Why would I--”

“You can’t send a message without a messenger,” the redhead said with a wicked smile.

Sia nodded, summoned golden Hellfire into her hands, and then surrounded the Daeva with its healing glow.

The two little demons were back to full health in no time. However, they weren’t a threat. They took one look around themselves, gasped, and then began to tremble in fear.

“Take this back to your leaders,” Eve demanded as she held up the head of Baphomet. “Tell them the Fifth Circle is now under the control of Jacob Ralston and his allies.”

The Daeva chattered fearfully in a language I didn’t understand, but then they grabbed the head of their former master and dashed off in a hurry. As soon as they were out of sight, Eve turned back to the group.

What is going on? Mephisto questioned. I am beginning to think you are not who you say you are.

“Ya think, Great Pumpkin?” Todd snorted. “It’s like when you’re drunk and think you’re settling for railin’ a five, but then find out she’s really a ten when you wake up the next morning!”

“Eve,” I implored, “what’s going on?”

“I suppose the charade is up,” the redhead sighed, and then she held out her hands to her side.

As she did so, the succubus was encased in a misty green Hellfire, similar to Mirage’s abilities. When the enchanted smoke finally cleared, I saw a clearer picture of who she really was.

Eve’s hair was still long, red, and wavy, but it now contained a large crown encrusted with black diamonds. Gone was her cheap-looking succubus armor, replaced by a suit made out of pure gold that hugged each of her curves tightly. Behind her flowed a long, silk cape made out of black fabric that fluttered gracefully in the breeze.

“You--You’re royalty?” I gasped.

“She’s more than royalty, Jacob,” Eligor finally spoke up. “She’s the royalty around here. Meet my mistress, Lilith.”

“Pleased to finally meet you, Jacob Ralston.” Lilith grinned as she fluttered back to the ground. “Now come, we can discuss this further in one of your new castles.”

I couldn’t believe what was happening. This was Lilith, the Demon Queen. The first succubus and the one who acted as Lucifer’s left hand.

Words escaped me as my team and I began to follow the Demon Queen off the island.

I had no idea what was about to happen next, but I really needed some answers.

Chapter 18

As a Demon Queen, Lilith apparently knew every Circle of Hell inside and out. She led us effortlessly off the island and over to the outer rim of the Fifth Circle, until we finally arrived at a large castle that rested on the coast of the swamp.

This thing was built out of the same brimstone that made up so many demonic structures, but its architecture was nothing like the medieval-style castles we were used to seeing. Instead, it had a large A-frame roof and several spirals that narrowed at the top. A lighthouse powered by red Hellfire topped off the “New England” look of the place and doubled as a beacon for those who were traversing through the Fifth Circle.

We landed atop one of the spirals, and we all gathered around the Demon Queen.

“I’m sorry, Jacob,” Eligor whispered, “I wanted to tell you the second I saw her, but I didn’t want to blow her cover, either.”

“It’s alright,” I reassured the Knight of Hell, “your loyalty is one of your best features.”

“I thought that was these?” The blonde smirked and shimmied her large breasts.

“That’s why I said one of your best features,” I chuckled, but then I turned to the Demon Queen. “What I want to know is how long have you been planning this? Way back when we first met Eligor, she told us you’d been observing me for a long time.”

“That is correct,” Lilith answered devilishly. “In fact, I’ve been watching you for far longer than you even realize … ”

The redheaded Demon Queen tossed out her arms again, and her body was engulfed in a glow of Hellfire. Her beautiful figure disappeared into the flames, glowed brightly for a moment, and then reemerged as a completely different person.

My jaw hit the floor when I saw her new form.

I instantly recognized the dark black bob haircut that sat over the round face with dimpled cheeks and lips oversaturated with a dark crimson lipstick.

It was Tamira, my ex-girlfriend.

Todd let out a mix of shrieking and hissing as he leapt in front of me and summoned red Hellfire into his hands.

“Be gone, foul spawn of Satan!” he demanded. “I’m not lettin’ your bear-trap snatch capture Jakey in its grasp ever again! Get steppin’, Bitchasaurous Rex, before the Toddster sends you back to the stone age.”

“I must admit,” Lilith mused, “you’re much cuter as an imp, Todd.”

“I’m warning ya, slugface,” the imp continued as he did a few over-the-top kung fu moves, “I’ve been trained in the art of Taekwonhoe!”

Don’t you mean “Taekwondo?” Mephisto tried to correct.

“Nope,” Todd shot back. “Taekwonhoe. It’s the supersecret ancient art of bitch slapping a hoe into the next dimension.”

“Relax, Todd,” Lilith giggled, “it was all an act.”

I felt my body begin to fill with a mixture of confusion, anger, and hurt.

“An act?” I growled. “You put me through the worst relationship of my life!”

“I had to,” Lilith admitted as she summoned the Hellfire back around her body. “I wanted to make sure you ended up here.”

The Demon Queen returned back to her original form in a flash of Hellfire, and then placed her hands on her hips sassily.

“So wait … ” I muttered as I racked my brain. “You’ve been leading me here ever since we met, all the way back in college?”

“I knew you were special from the beginning,” the Demon Queen replied. “How could you not be? You were the son of none other than Lucifer himself. But then, as you got older, I started to see just how amazing you truly were. I saw your leadership skills in action. I saw your loyalty to your friends and the determination you put into every single action you did. I knew then and there you would be the one to rule Hell someday.”

“But why did you trick me into dating you?” I demanded, still a bit angry. “Why didn’t you just reveal yourself to me then?”

“That would have been foolish, Jacob.” Lilith shrugged. “One, you were still growing and learning new skills throughout your young adult life, and I didn’t want to take that away from you. Two … you never would have believed me about any of this. I knew if I wanted you to become a true believer, you would have to see the succubi for yourself. And the only way to make that happen was to get you around Todd all the time.”

“Uh, thanks?” the imp grumbled. “Like, I’m only halfway joking. I totally appreciate you setting me up with my best bro. But, uh, did you have to be such a bitch all the time? No offense.”

“It was part of the act, Todd,” Lilith explained. “I had to be as possessive and bitchy as I possibly could so Jacob would end up hanging out with you, but I also needed to be a good enough lay that I could keep Jacob coming back. I couldn’t have him running off and settling down with a random mortal girl. He is destined for bigger things. Much, much bigger things. This was my plan for him all along.”

“So then, it’s official?” I asked rhetorically. “Lilith, the Demon Queen and first wife of Adam, is on my side.”

“Yes and no,” Lilith said with a nod. “I tried to keep it on the down low for as long as I could, but I’m tired of hiding. You are the rightful heir to the throne of Hell, and I am going to do everything in my power to get you where you need to be. However, it would be wise to keep up my facade with Lucifer until we are truly ready to strike.”

“I’m sure my father is gonna be thrilled about this,” I groaned and rubbed my head awkwardly.

“He had to know this was coming,” Lilith shrugged, “why do you think he’s made such a push to get you on his side? He knows what happens if he doesn’t.”

“Oh?” I asked with a raised eyebrow. “What happens then?”

“You, I, and our assorted allies team up and send him to wherever the fuck demons go when they die,” Lilith stated proudly.

“She’s soooo bold,” Eligor sighed, “you can see why I chose to serve her.”

“But, first things first … ” Lilith pondered aloud as she began to strut around the group and inspect all of my friends closely. “Who is going to take Baphomet’s place?”

“Take his place?” I asked. “Doesn’t this whole Circle just become mine now?”

“Not necessarily,” the redhead explained. “Although you have liberated the Fifth Circle from its previous master, you are only allowed to rule over one Circle at a time. You will have to promote one of your loyal subjects to act as the new King of the Fifth Circle.”

I shook my head in shock as I mulled over Lilith’s words. I had to pick one of my friends to rule over an entire Circle of Hell?

As much as I loved Todd, there was no way he could handle an entire territory all to himself. Besides, it would get boring as fuck if he wasn’t around all the time.

Any of my succubi would have made fine Demon Queens, but then they would have to leave me and go off to find their own Demon Lords and deal with all the threats and stresses of being a ruler.

After much deliberation, the choice was obvious.

“Mephisto,” I said as I looked over at the orange-skinned demon.

Yes, my King? he asked with a hint of confusion.

“No, no,” I chuckled. “I choose you, Mephisto, to become the new King of the Fifth Circle.”

The Master of Whispers didn’t have a mouth to gasp, but his expression said it all.

You--You want me to be a King? he retorted with disbelief. I’m just a lowly Demon Lord, cast out by every Demon King I’ve ever served. In fact, if it weren’t for you, I’d probably still be locked in that tomb of Hellfire.

“You’re much more than just a lowly Demon Lord,” I reminded him. “You have been loyal to me through the thick and the thin. You stood by my side when another Demon Lord betrayed me, and you have been a great contributor to my successful conquests of this horrific place.”

Mephisto’s brow turned upward, and it looked like he was touched.

“Easy there, Great Pumpkin,” Todd snickered as he patted Mephisto on the leg. “Don’t go getting all mushy on us. I don’t wanna turn you into a pie, even though that sounds reallllly fucking good right now.”

I don’t even know what to say, King Ralston … the Demon Lord trailed off.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Lilith reminded him. “You just have to get down on your knees.”

“Whoooooooaaaaa, timeout!” Todd demanded as he made a “T” with his hands. “If it’s gonna be that sorta ceremony, at least let me gouge my eyes out first.”

“You always did have a filthy mind.” Lilith rolled her eyes at the imp.

“And it’s only gotten filthier, Sideshow Babe,” he retorted with finger guns.

“Indeed,” Lilith sighed and turned toward me. “It is a simple knighting ritual, Jacob. Draw your sword, tap it on each of your friend’s shoulders, and then repeat after me.”

Mephisto floated over so he was in front of me, and then he rested his shins against the ground. The demon was massive, so even in a stoop his shoulders came up to my head.

I drew the Unhallowed Sword from it sheath and then rested it gently on the demon’s left shoulder.

“I, Jacob Ralston, King of the Fourth Circle and Son of Lucifer, task you, Mephisto, with guarding my domain as a sacred Demon King,” Lilith explained, and I repeated the words slowly.

Then I switched shoulders and continued with the ceremony.

“I bestow upon you the Fifth Circle of Hell, and all the powers and glory that go along with the title,” Lilith continued, and I reiterated her words. “Do you swear to remain loyal to my majesty? Shall you help me wipe out our enemies wherever they may hide? Do you pledge your allegiance to Jacob Ralston, and Jacob Ralston alone?”

I repeated the words, and Mephisto responded with a somber, “I swear.”

“Good,” Lilith mused. “Now, Jacob, you order him to rise as a king.”

“Right.” I nodded and then held my sword in front of my chest as regally as possible. “Gone is Mephisto, the Great Whisperer. Now, you shall rise as Mephisto, King of the Fifth Circle!”

As I said the words, the newly-crowned Demon King floated back up to his feet. His eyes were full of happiness, and he looked like he was on cloud nine.

I-I will never be able to repay you, King Ralston, he admitted.

“You don’t have to repay me,” I reminded him, “you just have to help me. And I know for a fact that you will.”

“Long live King Mephisto!” Libidine shouted out and raised her fist into the air.

The rest of the team reiterated Liby’s action not once, but three more times to show their enthusiasm. Finally, the novelty seemed to wear off, and Mephisto’s entire demeanor changed.

Well, if I am to be a proper Demon King, I need to make some changes around here, he said happily as he floated up into the sky. Maybe some brighter colors … a different aesthetic … perhaps a way to cover up those pesky tortured souls in the water …

The Master of Whispers floated away until he passed through the door and vanished out of sight.

“So, what happens now?” Cupiditas asked curiously. “Do we just go back to the Fourth Circle and regroup until something else changes?”

“We’re a lot closer to Beelzebub and Gressil now,” Sia interjected.

“Yeah,” I agreed seriously, “but that also means they’re a lot closer to us, too. We can’t put off this final confrontation forever. Eventually, this whole thing with the Lord of the Flies has to come to a head.”

“I hope it doesn’t end up with giving head,” Todd gagged. “Especially to Brundlefly, bro.”

“It’s an expression,” I sighed and facepalmed. “It means, like, shit’s gonna hit the fan.”

“Bro,” the imp shook his head and motioned with his hands for me to stop, “I don’t need to know about your fetishes. That’s between you, the internet, and the Exalted One. Now, if you’ll excuse me … I wanna go see what’s going on with all the little islands around here. There might be some fucking buried treasure, bro!”

With that, the imp summoned black Hellfire around his body and then zipped off into the air humming the Superman theme song.

“Is it just me,” Lilith mused as she watched him fly away, “or has he gotten stranger since his transformation?”

“I don’t know,” I admitted, “but I do know that, after this whole debacle, I need some fucking sleep. I feel like I’m going to be out for a week.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll be doing much sleeping,” Lilith giggled and then pointed out to the new team of succubi. “They all have to go through the ceremony, no?”

Inpulsa, Eclipse, Mirage, and Deja all looked back at me with wide grins on their faces. The Demon Queen was right. I was going to have to go back to my castle in the Fourth Circle and then make sweet, sweet love to all of them, maybe even all at the same time.

I turned around and looked out at the horizon of the Fifth Circle. The water may have been dark and sludgy, but it may as well have been crystal clear, and I felt a surge of hope as I watched the waves crash against the rocky shore.

The Unholy Trio was now the Unholy Duo. I had the Demon Queen on my side, and one of my most trusted Demon Lords was now a powerful Demon King. Most importantly, I got to go home and make love to a bunch of beautiful women.

Things were looking up for Jacob Ralston, even though I realized our final battle with Beelzebub was fast approaching.

But that was a problem for tomorrow.

So, I turned around, put my arm around a few of my succubi, and let a smile stretch across my face.

End of Book 11

End Notes

Thank you for reading Succubus Lord 11! I’ll start writing the next book as soon as this one has one-hundred reviews. So please leave a nice review here!

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2019 by Eric Vall